Is Your Dumpster Locked?

98.6.

This is basic civil defense information from the Department of Defense,

Office of Civil Defense, Washington.

If a nuclear attack ever occurs, go to a public shelter if one is nearby.

Or if you have a home shelter, use it.

But if regular shelter isn't available, and even if your home has no basement,

you could still improvise some limited fallout protection in a first floor hall or room,

away from outer walls and windows.

Use doors off their hinges, furniture and appliances,

plus stacks of other shielding material such as trunks or drawers filled with sand or earth

to make an enclosure large enough to live in for a short time.

Some homes without basements have a crawl space between the first floor and the ground.

Select the crawl space area under the center of the house and place shielding material around it.

On the floor above, place other shielding material to provide additional protection for the shelter space.

For more information on how to improvise fallout protection,

Check with your local civil defense director.

Fuck you, bitch motherfucker.

Typically it helps if I turn the microphone off, right?

Yeah.

Always forget something.

Hi, kids.

Hey, it's Carlito.

I'm Carlito.

Hey, hope you're all doing wonderful tonight.

This is Showtime.

Madhouse Radio for Memorial Day 2013.

2013, May 26, 2013, to be precise.

With me here, as always, Big Fat Motherfuckin' Milkman.

Yeah.

Manito.

Que fue, que fue?

Hey, man.

Chico, man, how's it going?

Man, your melodious tones here, as always, are definitely appreciated, man.

We're out here to save a lot more lives, man.

I know you've got some interesting things up your sleeve.

Don't you get it, manito?

Yeah.

And here also is Katie Kay.

Yeah.

How are you doing, KDK?

I am bisexual.

I'm fabulous.

All right.

Wow.

And you're reminding me that I have to order that PAG-AG.

You know, those Filipinos, that's disgusting, man.

Did you hear the whole thing about the PAG-AG?

What is it, PAG-AG?

PAG-TAG.

That's the nasty shit, man.

I can't believe people do that.

Apparently in the Philippines, poor people do dumpster diving in restaurants and stuff,

fast food restaurants.

they dumpster dive and then they recook the uh food that they scavenge and sell it on the street

like street fair and they call it pag pag pag pag being filipino for shaking off as in shaking

off the dirt and shit off of the food before you cook the leftovers that's nasty right that's not

leftovers it's just trash trash machine wow no fun you ever have people's gotta eat people's

got it, man. And there's food

that's at all levels of decay,

dude. Cheeses, to yogurts,

to milks, to, you know,

just so many things, dude. But, you know, it's a shame

that these governments

disagree in this world, man, to

let a human being starve. Man, our society

allows for that. Even in the Philippines,

it's a shame, man. God

bless you. I know some people

in West Virginia probably eat some Pag-Pag,

you know? They probably call it something else.

Yeah, man. You gotta have some

and my possum jaws and grits, man.

That's different, man.

That's good eating, man.

There's lots of meat on that jaw.

And, you know, there's dumpster divers, you know, in New York City and shit.

They'll put your hair on you, but don't on you down there, man.

They're mono.

Put hair on your penis.

On your penises.

Put hair on me.

Put hair on.

On your penis and balls.

Yeah.

Fussy, fussy.

He's so fussy.

That's why he was so fussy.

Well, everyone, be sure to head over to madhouselive.com if you're just listening or watching right now.

You can join the chat room there where a lot of our friends are hooked in right now.

A lot of good people in there enjoying themselves, behaving tonight, having a good time, talking with each other.

And, of course, Request a Prank is there.

Send those prank call requests.

There is a Request a Prank form you can use.

Click that.

Fill in your information.

Send it off.

I will receive it, and then I will attempt to do the prank call, hopefully.

I don't always get to them all.

I try my best.

As of late, we've been getting a lot of requests to prank,

so I try my best to get through them all, but I don't always get them all.

But, hey, it doesn't hurt to try.

You can also send those prank requests in the IRC chat.

Please do not post any numbers publicly, either on the YouTube comments,

if you're watching on YouTube video.

Do not post numbers.

do not post numbers in the youtube video channel please and do not post

now come on man that's not oh lord have mercy well okay you know just keep your eye on it

it's a newer guy newer folks don't know it's all right you're confused you're like oh do my number

don't do you got to send it privately send it on the requested prank form on the side or send a

a private message to me and send it

that way, okay? That'll work better.

Alright, Sporty Board. It will actually

get called by us. If you post it on

the forums, you can't, or if you post

it on the YouTube in the general box, we're

not going to call it. You just wasted your number.

Man, Sporty Board's saying

attention everyone watching on YouTube.

Stupid shit's stupid, so there you go.

He's got... Are we stupid?

No, we're stupid. No, we're stupid.

He's just back and forth.

Never get anywhere. Yeah.

Yeah. Anyway,

Anyway, I've been having fun.

Last night I had a lot of fun.

Milkman, did you hear that show last night that the kids did, man?

They were calling.

I realized something was Roy.

Was Roy the one on the air?

I don't know.

I didn't catch all the details.

I thought it was Roy.

I was tired, dude.

I had to zonk.

I was working, so I don't remember much of who was on.

I saw something about Roy and such, and I figured somebody was on there,

and he was doing it or is roy doing shows now or what's going on with that man big roy brad rbcp

whatever you want to call him does shows sure he does but also uh last night was ken and sloth i

think ice goose might have been on last night maybe but uh they were calling uh the uh pet

pets i think it's petco or one of those pet super stores they were calling customers back who had

brought their dogs in for grooming and there were new new came up with an idea to say that

the dogs had made sexual advances on other dogs and they were being they're going to be arrested

for rape or they were going to be registered as sex offender dogs for future visits and stuff

like that it was it was pretty funny that's that's what dogs do that's what dogs fucking do

Dude, they fucking hump, you know, they fuck each other, you know, but that was kind of

funny.

I thought I had a good time listening to that.

Well, is there, is there some rhyme and reason to the anal sniftering they do back and forth?

Is that it?

I guess it's communication, Milkman.

You can tell any, uh, dogs can tell it.

I guess.

They can tell everything about it.

I guess it's an ATM task to nose.

Is that what that is?

ATM?

A dog can tell where another dog has been, what they've eaten, if they're sick.

Ah, I see.

Okay, so if they fart beef flavored, it's likely that they ate beef?

Yeah.

Yeah, man.

I see.

Dogs are pretty smart like that.

Or they attacked and killed a cow and ate it a little bit.

Maybe they went dumpster diving at Pog Pog at McDonald's, man, and got a deal, man, on three days.

Maybe they attacked milk, man.

That would be funny.

Well, see, I'd have to get milk, man

You see, they'd like me, they'd be cool

That'd be funny, Milkman

I would like to see a video of you being chased by a pit bull

And getting bit and stuff

I think that'd be pretty funny

Why would you want to see me get bit?

I mean, is that like a fantasy?

Yeah

I just want you to get chased and bit

By a pit bull in an alley

In an alleyway somewhere

Okay

Alright, I guess that sounds pretty violent

I think it'd be cool. It'd be awesome.

Alright, so.

Alright. Now, am I allowed to bleed

or am I supposed to, like, try to

hold the blood in? Hold the blood

in. You gotta hold the blood in.

Alright. And I won't

poop my pants either. Because you gotta

save your chi power.

You know, that's your chi.

You have to save it. Oh, I do have my chi.

I do have my chi. It's actually

my ki, so you can call it what you want.

Whatever. Fuck you.

what do you call how do you say karate karate is that how you say it milkman

mr smarty it's gotta it's karate not karate it's kata karate whatever

the fucking who's the who's the fucking karate guy that didn't that he ended up

killing himself you know i'm talking about they found him oh uh sulu it was sulu no man the guy

Yeah, that was the, he was, he hung himself.

Yeah, yeah, Sulu was in the Karate Kid, remember?

All right, Milkman, I'm being serious.

Who was it? Stop being stupid.

I was playing on one of our calls, okay?

We were supposed to, like, address that and then move back on.

Okay, yeah.

No, I don't know who it was, dude.

Who was it?

Who played the fucking, the monk, the traveling guy?

Who the fuck was that?

You remember?

The monk traveling?

David Carradine.

Oh, Y. Chang Kane was David Carradine, the Peterhanger, man.

Yeah.

Yeah, the Peterhanger.

Yeah.

Now, he might have appreciated that getting shot in the peter with that lady with the penises on her computer, man.

He might have actually appreciated some of that.

We probably could have, like, hooked him up with the call.

Like, you know, like, we were, like, monitored.

Whatever ended up coming out of that?

Was he murdered or was he really?

He hung himself with this auto-self-asphyxiation, auto-erotic, I don't know what the hell he was doing.

Somehow, they said he had a rope around his neck.

It was over.

over this is what i read over the um what's the bar in your closet i guess you know hang your

clothes on yeah and then tied with peter and he was hanging off of his peter and his neck with

this rope or some shit i guess somebody was supposed to lay him down but you know i don't

know dude i really don't know man so all they said was it was something to do with that and

they tried to keep it hush hush and it was in thailand yeah in thailand and everything

everything happens in thailand you can get anything thailand is a wicked place dude

You want to really fuck, Milkman?

You go to Thailand.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Milkman, me and you, you know.

Hey, man, let's go get some Tic-Tac, man.

Yeah, man.

You know, Tic-Tac.

Tic-Tac, man.

No, no, no, Poc-Poc, Tic-Tac, man.

Screw that Poc-Poc shit.

I don't want none of that.

Tic-Tac.

We'll go eat some Poc-Poc, and then we'll get some Tic-Tac.

You can have some of that, and I'll just stick with the Tic-Tac, and you can go out, and I'll just monitor how it's at.

All right.

Cool.

Yeah, man.

That's cool.

but uh didn't we get a girl you get some scottish yellows man some acts dude and then you will be

you will be in space didn't that one girl in thailand recently get get into me remember

wasn't that a few weeks ago talked to a girl in thailand she was all like oh yeah man that was

pretty cool man she texted she texted you her um her social security number man that was really

neat because she wants to get a visa with you dude that is awesome makes sense okay here's a lost

Lost iPhone. Let's get into the prank calls here.

I've been talking bullshit for too long.

Fuck.

David?

Yeah, you lost your iPhone 3?

Yeah.

All right, and why did you lose it? What happened?

I don't know. My daughter lost it.

Oh, is she stupid or something? Like, what happened?

Yeah.

Is she really? Does she have epilepsy?

Yeah.

Okay, so how old is your daughter?

Three.

She's three? Do you have any pictures of your daughter on the iPhone?

No, I don't.

Okay.

Well, was she playing Angry Birds with it?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Why are you being so short with me?

Why are you mad?

I'm trying to help you out.

Well, I found an iPhone here, and I'm thinking maybe it's yours, but I need to...

Okay.

If you give me the unlock code, I'll see if I can unlock it, and if it's the right one,

then I'll let you know.

What color is it?

It's a white iPhone.

Is it a 4?

3.

Oh, it was a 3?

Yeah.

Oh, no, I was talking to my wife, man.

What?

What did you say?

No, I was trying to talk to my wife, dude.

Okay, well, where is she now?

Pardon me?

Where is she now?

Is she having sex behind your back or something?

She's not there?

Oh, no, she's right here beside me, son.

Oh, okay.

Was she thinking about another man?

Probably.

All right.

Can I talk to her?

No.

And turn her on for you, you know, and get her warmed up for you tonight?

You can have some Memorial Day sex with her.

You can pretend she's a Vietnamese girl and you're the Vietnamese vet on top of her in the village, you know, doing her.

No, she just said foul language.

What?

I'm not saying foul language.

But anyway, I've already responded.

I appreciate the phone call.

Then why did you put an ad?

Then why are you wasting my time?

Why did you put an ad?

Well, I placed that ad like yesterday or the day before.

I mean, I don't wait around forever, you know.

I made a move by the phone.

You didn't wait very long.

You didn't wait very long, you know.

No, well, I waited a day.

A day in my life is like 10 years from now.

Oh, wow.

I appreciate the phone call, dude.

Are you a business?

are you a business okay yeah man oh boy man they got spaceman from the future man

10 years i live in one lifetime and you take one minute i live 10 years back from the future

god man he's something else when i worked at an isp the big joke was every time someone wanted

service really fast because they were down we had to send a technician out like a tech out

repair tech they always said oh well i'm a business i need fast service i'm a business

i'm a business it's like oh you're a business yeah oh okay so big business i remember i said

a few times like oh you're a business yeah oh okay so let me go ahead and put you through so

we can upgrade you to business class service which is about three times the rate no i didn't say that

well you just said you're a business sir and your terms of agreement says you're not supposed to

uses for business purposes right that's not what i'm saying i mean i'm a businessman

you mean you have a job yeah okay cool man me too all right well we'll be out there in two weeks

to fix your shit oh it's not acceptable man fucking people it's when it's about them

and then i was i was a dispatcher for an ac repair company in florida and when july came

everybody had asthma everyone was like oh you know i need my air conditioning repair well we're

booked up for the whole week we'll be out there next wednesday oh i have i have kids with asthma

okay cool man open the phone book there's about 800 fucking air conditioning repair places in in

central florida i'm sure you'll find someone

go for it

bullshit man

oh boy

I'm an elderly person

I'm elderly and I'm sick

and then I have kids here who have asthma

hey man we could like

get a little run on numbers and start

like a little early you know going around

calling people

shit

I was like alright we'll go get a hotel room

then you know

there you go

Nice cold AC in the hotel room

They can go down and watch a hockey game

That's cool

And then free continental breakfast

Get some fruit

Bagels

Sometimes you get some orange juice

Like a brownie

You can get one in your oven sometimes

You never know

Some of those places even have a waffle iron

You can use

They have the batter

And you put the waffle batter in the iron

You make your own waffle there

right in the hotel and then and they have orange juice all you need to do is bring your own vodka

milkman and boom boom well yeah man that hand sanitizer they got nowadays man you know you can

like put that through a paper towel and then just look like suck up that 99 ethanol in there

some good shit yeah man you put that in your ass in a sponge then you can butt chugging man

And can you imagine?

I came up with an alcoholic drink myself.

It's sanitary, dude.

I mean, I guess if you combine that with a popper, what would you get?

Maybe it's like, we'll get our gay team on this and find out.

Like, somebody could throw that one over our calls, man, I'm sure.

There you go.

Brad Carter could tell us.

He's gay.

I came up with an alcoholic recipe drink.

Milkman, you want to know what it is?

It's called a vodka orange.

It's orange juice and a little bit of vodka, and you mix it up.

And, yeah, it's really good.

It's called vodka orange.

I came up with it myself, man.

You should try it.

Vodka orange.

Orange, yeah.

Nunu reminding Milkman that this is a prank show, not a paper towel show.

Write that down on your big board over there, Milkman.

Yours.

Call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Shit the fuck.

Try this person again.

Sloth sitting in the obvious that that's not a new drink.

Oh, thanks.

Sloth.

Sloth not understanding the joke.

Hello.

Hi, you lost the iPhone in San Dimas?

Yeah.

Oh, hey, I'm Ted.

How you doing?

Hey, good.

Good. Listen, I think I found your iPhone.

I don't know if you wanted it back.

It has that, there's like this crack on it.

Yeah, yeah, it's my little boy.

Okay, and what's, can you give me the unlock code for it so I can check it out?

I want to see the pictures on here and stuff.

Huh?

I want to see the pictures.

Yeah, I want to see the games and the pictures and play with it for a little while.

Then I'll give it back.

Oh, I don't even know the code, bro. My kid has it.

Well, what's wrong with your kid? Is he mongoloid?

He doesn't know how to say the code?

Can you ask him?

Well, you know what?

Shut the fuck up, man.

Shut the fucking boy

and stick it up your ass.

Hey, S.A.,

I have your phone.

I want to give your phone back,

Mr. Mexican S.A. Stinky.

Hey, you know what?

I don't give a fuck,

I don't give a shit.

You got to shut the phone anyway.

What?

You got the phone on layaway?

You have to shut the fuck up, man.

What the fuck?

Because I called you.

Oh, poor Eddie.

I guess not.

Whatever happened

to the magic marker, dude?

Is the magic marker

completely gone

or the highlighter?

I sniffed it all.

Oh, I see.

I wonder if you're snorting that white ass.

SA?

Come on, SA.

Pick up the phone, SA.

Yo, home phone.

Are you working tonight, Milkman?

Yeah.

You're calling me?

Right now?

Or you're not driving yet?

Oh, you know I'm going to go pick up here in a couple minutes, man.

I'm going to pick up some weed.

All right, man.

Awesome.

Yeah.

All right, here's another lost iPhone.

What is going on?

Is our stream down?

What?

No.

I have all my...

That's full of shit.

Oh, it's silent.

It is silent.

Is it?

Oh, there it is.

No, no, no, no.

It was caught.

Oh, never mind.

You stupid.

You're full of shit.

But I already did.

Okay, that was me.

All right, we got a lost iPhone 4, another one here with reward.

I lost my iPhone 4 Sunday at around 2 p.m.

This is back in April at Winco Foods in South Virginia Street.

It has a long...

Winco Ring Finders Club.

Yeah.

I never heard of a Winco Foods.

You ever heard of a Winco Foods?

I heard of Wanko Foods, but I think Mr. Nunu there is a patron of that establishment.

I mean, I haven't been to such a formal establishment.

Probably has a picture of Jesus Christ as the lock screen wallpaper.

All right, let's do it.

Jesus Christ.

Holy mother of God.

This has to be a Mexican, right?

Jesus Christ.

He's the son of man.

And we all love Jesus.

So thank you, Jesus, for loving our poor imperfect selves.

Hello?

Yes, hey, sweetie, honey, baby.

How are you?

Oh, fuck.

She's not very friendly there.

I think she may have dropped the phone, maybe.

Give her another chance.

I was trying to be nicer.

She got off on the wrong foot, that's all.

You know.

I was just trying to be nice.

No, but...

What up?

I'm sorry.

I was just trying to be nice.

I found an iPhone 4 in the grocery store.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, do you...

But why'd you hang up like that?

Were you mad because I said, honey, baby, sweetie, like that?

I'm sorry.

Oh, but wait a minute.

What?

Well, can you say you're sorry for hanging up first?

Because that was kind of mean.

I'm just trying to be a nice person and give it back.

Yeah, wait a minute.

Let me talk to my son.

Okay.

Stupid.

Papi,

what's wrong?

That woman doesn't speak English?

She's stupid?

What are you calling for?

Oh, I don't speak Spanish.

That's the problem.

Yeah, I don't speak English.

You don't speak English?

Oh, you speak English.

You're the English speaker.

Oh, good.

Good. I found an iPhone at the grocery store today, and it was way back in the food aisle,

like inside the aisle on the shelf. It was behind some oatmeal boxes that were there.

And then I was tracing it and everything, and I keep trying to unlock it, but it doesn't want

to unlock. It has a big picture of Big Jesus on it. It has a big Jesus on it.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, can I have the code to unlock it so I can use the phone?

What would you need to use it on?

Because I need to make sure it's yours and everything.

You know, I want to look at the pictures and stuff.

I'm kind of, like, about giving you a number because, you know.

Well, I found the phone, you know.

You can help me out, and I'll help you out.

Hello?

Take talk.

Um, yeah.

Yeah?

What happened?

I'm sorry.

Could you give me a second?

Oh, well, I guess.

We only got a bunch of people here waiting, you know.

Hi.

What's the code?

I'm sorry.

Ask the woman for the secret code, please.

Look, I founded the phone.

I found it.

Found what?

I found the phone.

Yes, I know.

At Winco.

How much is the reward?

How many minutes do I get with the woman?

How many minutes do I get with the woman for the reward?

You know, like, will she do a pee-pee touch and all that, you know?

No.

I found the phone.

I have a phone.

I have iPhone 4.

with Jesus on it.

Can I talk to her?

I speak Spanish.

Oh, man.

She's begging her back there.

Tell her to do it.

Danny wasn't very compliant, man.

She'll pick up now.

All right.

What the fuck?

I can't get in there.

I hung up on accident.

I hit the button.

Oops.

Hi, papi.

Hi, grundo.

Hello.

Please leave a message after the tone.

Hello?

I have the phone.

Hello?

Hello? Is someone there? Please? Hello?

It's a house answering machine.

Yes, hi. How are you?

Hey, what's going on, man?

Oh, I was talking to a young man, and he hung up the phone on accident, I don't know, or he got mad. What happened?

No, no, no. It's my son. He doesn't know how to answer.

Why is he mad?

He's not mad at all.

Oh, okay. Well, I found the iPhone. Is it your wife's iPhone?

That's the one that I lost.

I found it in the store, yeah.

Oh, okay, yeah.

Uh-huh.

Try to do.

You want to return it to me, please?

Well, yeah, but what is, it says reward, and I was wondering if the girl, the woman, will

she do a pee-pee touch, you know, for it?

Uh-huh.

Will she touch my pee-pee, you know, and touch and kiss me down there, you know?

So, you have the phone, right?

Yeah, I have the phone, but I want the reward.

Reward. I want a reward, you know?

Yeah, okay. How much do you want to...

Oh, I want to have sex with the woman for about 10 minutes maybe

and have her touch my pee-pee and show me her tetas, you know, and all that.

Okay, yeah.

Will she show me her private parts?

Yeah, yeah. Why not?

Okay, and what about you?

Are you the husband or what are you? What do you do?

No.

What do you do?

Are you husband?

No.

Are you husband?

No, I'm a mother's daughter.

Okay, and who's the woman?

Oh, that's your daughter?

Is she old or young?

You know what I mean?

Is she sexy, girl?

You know?

Yeah, she's very sexy.

Is she a chola?

Does she dress like a chola or what does she do?

How is she?

No, no, no.

Like a very sexy Latina, you know?

Oh, okay.

Can I talk to her?

Huh?

Can I talk to her?

Yeah.

Give me a second, okay?

Okay.

Give me a second so I can figure out how to hang up the phone.

Took him that long.

Dude, he was rather compliant, man.

I mean, he was going to hand over the goods, dude.

That was pretty simple.

He was going to hand over his daughter, who's a very sexy Latina.

Yeah, his wife at first.

He's volunteered his wife first.

I was like, die gone, man.

But as soon as you mentioned him, dude, like, that's when he started getting scared.

So I guess it's just a one-way activity there.

Yeah, not into the gay.

Well, we might have lost a listener or two with that one, but they'll be back.

We gained a few with that, too, though.

Okay.

They're probably, yeah, I'd say probably so.

Hi.

All right.

We got a handyman service, assembly home, tune-ups, repairs, picture hanging,

flat screens installed, carpentry, everything, man.

Trim, molding, doors, windows, cabinets.

All right.

right garbage disposals and sinks and washer machine all right wow this guy does everything

he doesn't sneak drains though damn it he's got a whole list of shit painting patching top

everything i don't wonder what he has against snaking drains but okay emergency repairs

call adrian in los angeles la yo east la milkman east la man yo man what's up

Oh, my East L.A., man.

Do you remember that movie?

My dad used to love that movie.

What's up?

Born in East L.A.

What's up on me?

Remember?

What's up on me?

No, I don't know what you mean.

I just remember that Cheech Marine movie, Born in East L.A.

My dad loved it.

What's up on me?

He taught them English.

So what he did was he taught them the phonetics.

What's up on me?

That's what they said.

What's up on me?

you forgot i just remember there was a guy who thought the answer machine was a member again

and then there was a gay guy in the prison and i remember there was a parade hello this is a

yes sir oh are you a handyman and you do emergency service because listen i keep calling people for

emergency service on the weekend and it's oh no no emergency service no even though they say

24 7 emergency service you know terrible world we live in so are you really emergency machine or

or no depends what it is okay well i i need some help i need some things fixed here urgently

okay hello okay i'm listening okay i have some light bulbs that are blown out here

okay the toilet is clogged it needs to be cleaned and washed the toilet and the floors need to be

washed okay i hung up i was gonna tell him to take out the trash and everything i had an idea

for that forgot what it was shit because milkman was saying what's happening and i got that in my

my head what's happening thanks milkman i had a good idea what was it thanks for calling please

leave a message and i'll get back with you everyone call that guy here listen to the number

again here's his number i'm gonna give this guy's number out ice goose can you resend the 7-eleven

number please thank you hello yeah yes yeah what happened what else what else what did you hang

what else you need what else you need okay all right i need some how much more you can talk

bullshit i need some i need a carpet installed i need some doors removed off the hinges okay

are you are you funny guy nope nope no why are you so funny uh you asked me if i'm funny guy

say no then you ask why am i so funny bye funny guy are you stupid i hope you get off on your

thing okay yeah i'm getting off right get off on your little trip about uh putting people down

get off of my rocks are you mentioned you got something else to do you got something else to

do more uh oh i know where i saw you before i saw you the home depot parking lot right is that how

you get off you're that adrian oh no no you don't hang out the home depot parking lot waiting for

jobs do you want me to pick you up there tomorrow does this make you feel good yeah how does what

do you get out of this type of stuff sexual what does it do for you it's sexual it's sexual what

is it but what does it do for you it's sexual it's sexual you know sexual is that what it is

Yeah, I like talking to guys.

I'm touching myself right now, like a little bit.

I have my pants on, but I'm rubbing it outside.

Good night.

I used my thumb and two fingers, and I stroked the head through my biker shorts.

Okay, he's not.

All right, man.

Whatever.

I don't want to do a show anymore.

That guy has a good point, you know?

I'm a stupid.

This is a stupid show tonight.

Marsha Pink.

Stupid show?

The only stupid on the show was that last clown on there, man.

And the other guy, you know, because he didn't put his wife back on the phone.

Marsha Pink says, can you call my request a prank?

Okay.

I will find it.

Thank you.

Anyway, I was saying, Ice Goose, send that 7-Eleven number again because I seem to have lost it.

Is Ice Goose even around?

I think he left.

Oh, shit.

He wanted me to call that 7-Eleven.

I don't have the number on me.

Fuck, man.

It's on my iPad.

I thought it was on here, but it's on the iPad.

It's on the iPad, pussy?

All right.

Shut up.

Shut the fuck up, Milkman.

All right, Cheeto.

No I-Cho-Cha then.

How about that?

Is that better?

You don't have one of those either.

You never get any of those.

It's an I-Cho-Cha.

I like a Cho-Cho-Cha on the eye.

I prefer it that way, actually.

Damn.

All right.

Well, let's look at Request a Prank.

Look for Marsha Pink's number on the Request a Prank.

Kind of burns a little bit.

Tastes sweet.

Like a peach.

All right.

Let me see what I got here.

Marsha, I'm looking for your Request a Prank.

Are you sure you sent it?

When did you send it, Marsha?

I don't see it here.

marcia marcia when bitch request a stank all right we're going to check our files uh it was

on may 22nd i think okay this is my high school pre-calculus teacher she was the shittiest teacher

ever tell her you went to carmel valley middle school and you saw her at cardiff fit working out

how did you have okay anyway she does triathlons used to be a vice principal okay okay marcia pink

We'll do what you say.

We're sorry.

You have reached a number that has been disconnected.

Yay!

Marsha Pink is an idiot.

Hey, everyone, listen to Marsha Pink's number.

Look what it sounds like.

We're sorry.

You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service.

Yay!

Thank you for contributing, Marsha Pink.

Right.

Disconnected number.

All right.

New song.

Here's one from Milkman.

this guy says do you need a ride to the east bay san francisco from reno do you need a ride milkman

this guy leaves every weekday from reno at 4 30 a.m they'll pick you up at a designated place

right near the rob drive exit and will then drop you off at the lafayette bart station you can then

take the bart wherever you need to go in the bay milkman ever been on the bart the part bay area

Barrier Rapid Transit.

Is that right?

Is that what it's called?

Milkman.

I'm muted.

Look at me.

You're muted.

Okay.

No, I was answering everything you were saying.

Yeah, Barrier Rapid Transit.

Bart.

That's the one that shot that guy, like, last year.

Remember?

Yeah.

That was cool, right?

In the forest.

Pretty neat, right?

Some people like that.

The normal human beings didn't.

Have you ever ridden it?

Yeah, dude.

Of course.

It's, like, 45 minutes from here to, like, 16th Street, something like that.

About 45.

All right, man, you can do it for about $8, $8.50, $8.70 round trip, I think.

I remember.

Maybe under $10.

You can do a round trip for under $10.

It used to run behind your old apartment.

We used to hear it on the air, remember?

It would go by and shit all the time.

I remember that.

Yeah.

The fart.

Fart and bark.

The fart.

Cool.

All right, well, let's call this guy then.

He's going to drop us off at the park.

Actually, he's living in the East Bay and he wants and he wants to give me a ride from Reno to the East Bay.

Is that what he's on?

He lives in Reno.

He leaves Reno at four third in the morning every day and goes to San Francisco and comes back.

So what?

I mean, he's riding.

He said he's riding a train, right?

Or how's he doing it?

No, he drives the car from Reno, fucker.

And he drops you off at the Bard station in Lafayette in San Francisco.

Don't you?

Oh, my God.

Aren't you a taxi driver?

don't you understand this stuff i know what you're talking about but i don't get it he's a driver or

he's asking me if i'm a driver i don't understand all right no no he's the driver never mind oh this

guy oh this guy's offering to take me from out in the country back to wherever because like

lafayette's in the country dude what's wrong are you okay milkman i don't get what you're trying

to ask me i need a driver now are you are the fuck would you ask why would you ask me like that

Yeah, all rude.

Be nasty like that.

What's wrong with you?

Because I don't really care for taxi drivers.

I think they're a real sorry lot.

Well, this guy's just independent.

Hi, this is Dan.

Please leave a message, and we'll be speaking later.

That's why I am nice to stop masturbating, Dan, and pick up your phone.

Or you're going to miss a good call.

I'm going to ask.

Come on, Dan.

I'm going to give him a tip.

And Dan the Masturbating Man.

The slot got something going on.

That's what it is.

Masturbating Man.

Man to Man.

You think Dan rides a van?

Hey, Big Dan, how you doing?

You got rides from Reno to San Francisco and then back?

Okay, and this is seven days a week, or when is it exactly?

How many days a week?

Yeah, that's my current commute.

I do it on Monday through Friday.

All right, okay.

And the car is nice?

It's clean and everything?

You have space in back?

Oh, yeah.

I can lay down in the back and everything?

What do you mean?

Well, because like I want to thinking maybe what I could do is since you have to go so early and like while you're driving, then I'll go in the back and I'll take a nap, you know, and then I'll wake up when we're getting close.

You can tell me, hey, hey, we're almost there.

Wake up, you know.

Yeah, that works, man.

When are you looking to go to when are you looking to go to San Francisco?

Monday through Friday.

I have a new job over there.

I've got the front door.

Yeah.

Yeah, and then, see, then all I can do is I can change clothes in the back and everything,

get out of my jammies, put on my work clothes and everything.

I'll pack my jammies, you know, in the bag every day and put on my tie.

That's pretty funny.

Shave.

I have an Orelco shaver, you know.

It's like battery powered, so I can do shaving, you know, make some coffee.

I'll share coffee with you.

That's pretty funny, man.

I like it.

Okay.

Is that okay?

No, but I appreciate it.

I can lay down in the back, you know, and, you know, you can watch me.

If you want, in the mirror, you can watch me when I'm changing clothes.

You can tell me about your fantasies and everything.

I don't care.

It's okay if you want to watch while I take my clothes off.

Yeah, I hope this isn't your real phone number because I'm reporting this number to the police.

No, I'm blocking my phone number.

Uh, it showed up when you called, just so you know.

No.

Yes.

Oh, well, do you have a tracer?

Uh, yeah.

You're fucked.

Come on, Dan.

Don't.

Come on, please.

Don't tell my mom.

I don't want to get in trouble.

No, he says don't tell my mom.

I got...

No, no.

Oh, please.

Bye.

Please, no.

Oh, he says...

That was very convincing, man.

That was very good, man.

You're such a good kid.

You don't want your mom to be disappointed.

You're such a good kid, man.

I'm a very experienced pet sitter.

I've had and watched dogs, birds, fish, sugar glider, rats, guinea pigs, tarantulas, and snakes, and many other pets.

I knew this homosexual had a sugar glider.

okay because they like get on top of the back of the couch and they shit all down the back side of

it and then like you want to kind of like knock their ass down or whatever like take a run and

jump in the air they fly across the fucking room dude they land on the bookshelf they take up the

curtains on the other side these motherfuckers are rad man those shit asses isn't it aren't

they like weird it's a flying fucking squirrel dude it's a flying squirrel he just jumps up in

the air and he fucking soars he's like he's got this like like baggy wings like behind his legs

like just flappy skin but he it's just aerodynamically full like kind of like a

saucer you know how like a frisbee flies yeah it's exactly like it but he's not turning you

know but he's just got that shape okay and then just before he lands he just puts his feet down

and he's running motherfucker no they get really they're nasty dude they shit everywhere man they

get really attached to their owners right milkman they get really attached to their owners i guess

i don't this dude's a homosexual man i saw i i saw that shit there all that squirrel shit all

all over the back of the couch i was like all right man all right like you know i didn't want

to sit down i was like okay cool cool squirrel man all right i was just gonna like stand there

like hello yes hi i'm looking for someone to watch my dog uh yeah okay and what do you do

with the dog do you talk to it and everything and pet it and say it's a nice doggy yeah okay

all right now you don't like masturbate the dog or anything like that because i had i had to get

at a nanny camp this this uh woman before i had her coming over to feed the dog and walk the dog

when i was out of town i go out of town um all right but i'm only 17 i would never do something

like that with no damn dog i'm sorry i um i don't even know why you would ask me that question

because it happened because i have a dog well i don't do stuff like that i actually care for the

animal all right take it easy take it easy you little shit listen i'm trying excuse me i'm sorry

Excuse me? No, I'm not. I'm sorry. I'm not going to watch your dog for you. You have to find somebody else.

You're not going to masturbate my dog, you pervert.

I just got mad at her. She went, shut the fuck up. I'm tired of women not shutting up when the men are talking.

Damn it. I'm sorry. Can you apologize to the girl for me?

Yeah, well, that's my daughter, man. What are you telling her?

Well, what happened was I had someone who used to come to watch my dog when I go out of town for conventions.

I travel a lot.

Oh, I don't know.

And I was I was suspecting because the dog was eating its feces and everything.

And someone told me that that means that there might have been someone molesting the dog.

So I had a nanny cam put in and I found out that this woman was coming over and she would feed the dog and walk the dog and she would come back and she would dance in front of the dog.

She was putting music on on my bow surround sound.

And she was that have to do with my daughter.

Like, why would you ask a question like that?

Well, because this happened to me already.

This woman was taking her clothes off in front of the dog,

and then she would touch and masturbate the dog and everything.

And I had it on video.

Yeah, it was disgusting.

I don't know.

Yeah, she don't want to watch your dog, man.

Hey, is your daughter stupid or something?

She has a dirty mouth?

Your stupid daughter, your little bitch daughter.

Shit, dude, what are you talking about?

Dude, oh, my God.

Are you serious?

Don't call this number back, guy.

I'm going to call the cops on you.

You're an asshole, and your daughter's a dirty.

She's only 17, fool.

She's a dirty little bitch.

I will slap her from talking dirty like that

to a man

well where you at

come and smack her

I don't hit women

come and smack me then

where you at

I'll beat the shit out of you

she's going to end up getting a

Mexican or Cuban hothead

boyfriend one day

and they're going to slap

the shit out of her

They're going to slap the shit out of her

For being a little smart mouth bitch

Anyway what do you want

I just want to call and run your mouth

Will you come and watch the dog for me

There ain't no way you're going to watch your dog

I'll give you my address

Okay what's your address

It's 130

137

Oh my god save the address

137

Price Street

you hear that little bitch in the background

talking right now

you need to tell her not to be involved in men

when the men are talking business

she needs to shut her mouth

go make her do chores

go make her go do laundry

go honey

will she come over and do the laundry

are you upset

he's a little smart mouth

right Muffin

I don't like that.

Talking like that.

Hey, I need you to call me right back on this thing, man.

Read the text.

You want me to call you on your cell phone or call you back on Skype?

You can call me back on Skype.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't want my number on there.

You don't want your number on there?

You need to go.

Okay.

So call you on Skype?

Okay, yeah.

Bye.

All right, we'll call Milkman back, I guess.

Whatever.

He's being all weird.

He gets all turned on when you talk about hitting women, you hear him?

Milkman's all, man, I gotta go jerk off real quick.

Alright, okay, yeah, okay.

But you keep it three-way, then.

Oh, yeah, three-way.

What do you mean?

I tried to call you on Skype, but you didn't answer there.

You want me to call you back?

No, no, dude.

Some platform's trying to skip it, man.

It's not in and out, so it's on the out one.

So I couldn't do it.

You want me to Skype you?

Excuse me.

I wouldn't want to hear it on my mobile.

Shit, shit.

What?

You want me to Skype you?

Try Skyping you again, Milkman?

Just after you, honey.

That's all right.

What?

What did you say?

Yeah, just set me on your phone.

I'm just calling.

Well, you tell me when you're ready to go back on Skype.

All right.

Yeah, because I got to.

I got to.

You got to.

Okay, I got you.

Don't worry, buddy.

It's all right, buddy.

All right.

We're going to call Glom now.

Your favorite, right?

You like Glom?

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

I need some of that pod pie.

Give me some of that pod pie.

That's what I'm looking for.

Oh, man.

You know, I bet you Chicken Pack Pack is the best.

Chicken pot pie, man. That's what I'm talking about.

Good shit.

You ever had that before?

Chicken pot pie?

You know, where is that from?

Turkey pot pie is good, too.

And quick or swan fish?

Hungry man. The hungry man is bigger.

Hungry man is bigger.

All right, it's bigger, but I'm talking about one fish.

You can't have it because, you know, it's only for men.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Yes, hi, buddy. How are you doing?

Hey.

How are you doing?

You do pet sitting?

I'm fine. How are you doing?

Oh, this is Eddie. You do pet sitting?

I can't understand you.

You do pet sitting?

No.

Hello?

What's your name?

This is Eddie.

Do you do pet sitting?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm actually sick right now.

Oh, what do you have?

I have severe allergies right now.

Oh, I thought you had AIDS-related pneumonia or something, I thought.

Because it says you're a former Eagle Scout, so I thought maybe you got kicked out.

I am.

I'm 23 years old.

Okay.

All right.

And why did you stop being an Eagle Scout?

Why?

Why? Well, because most of the programs are dedicated to more of the kids,

and I got really busy with going to school and holding down a job,

so I didn't have time to really be part of that.

Oh, you know, they voted this week to let homosexuals be Eagle Scouts now.

Okay, what was the question?

Did you hear that they let homosexuals be Eagle Scouts now?

Yeah.

That's okay.

You like that idea?

That's okay.

Okay, all right, so now you can be an Eagle Scout again.

That's great.

You don't have to not be an Eagle Scout.

All right, so when would you think you could start doing pet sitting

when you start feeling a little better?

It's possible, really.

See, because I had a problem.

We had a pet sitter.

I go out of town a lot, you know, and my dog was eating his feces a lot.

Oh, yeah, our dogs do that too.

Well, here's what I found out, that they eat their feces if they have their owners

or people who are watching the dogs, if they're having sex in front of them

or they, uh, or getting naked or getting molested by people. And I put in one of those nanny cams

inside my house and I came to find out that the woman was coming over and she would walk the dog

and feed it. And then she would go into my music in my, uh, on my iPad and everything and turn on

music on the iPad and connect it to my stereo system. And then she would dance in front of

the dog and she would take her clothes off and everything. And then she, and then she was

was molesting the dog and everything and i caught it on video she was doing these sexual dances

seductive dances and everything oh yeah i don't know why our dogs do it though you're so muffled

you sound like milkman why are you talking like that because i haven't told you i'm sick no it

sounds like you're covering the phone with something no i'm not you should get that checked

out maybe you have something else allergies really okay all right do you want to hang out

You want me to come over and bring you some NyQuil or something?

No, I live at home with my parents.

We have plenty of stuff here, actually.

But I can make you chicken soup.

I make chicken soup, and I can touch and kiss you

and give you the chicken soup and ice cream and stuff like that.

No, thank you.

You're not interested?

I'll be fine.

Can you start a fire with two sticks?

Hello?

All right, he's gone.

That's the former Eagle Scout there.

I had to cut Milkman off because he's sitting there making all this fucking noise.

this stupid asshole.

Let's call him back.

God damn it.

Hey, I had to cut you off

because you were making

a lot of background noise,

Milkman.

Huh?

Are you okay, man?

I can't barely understand

what you're saying right now.

Are your windows down?

Your lag is really bad.

It sounds...

Wow, you're lagging

really bad.

You're on...

Alright, well,

let me redo Skype.

I'll have to call you back.

Bye.

You're lagging, man.

Sorry.

I'll call you back.

It sounds like he's

on speakerphone anyway.

Idiot.

Give me a second.

Guys, Milkman's

has been so talkative lately just shut the fuck up sometimes pissing me off he feels like he

doesn't listen to me when i'm talking i'll be trying to say stuff and he just starts talking

right over me he's been doing it for a few weeks like when i talk to him on the phone personally

he does it i talked well i forgot what it was this week he wanted to talk to me milkman did

probably shouldn't be talking about this but i'm just frustrated and i didn't answer the phone

because for the last few days whenever i try to talk to milkman on the phone i can't get a word

word in edgewise. Like I'll be trying to say something. He's just talking right over me,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I finally called him

back. And sure enough, that's what he did. I had like five minutes, like five or 10 minutes where

I could call him before I had this meeting I had to go to. I start off saying, hey, milkman,

look, I got about five or 10 minutes. So, okay. And he talked for the entire five or 10 minutes,

15 minutes go by. He's still going, blah, blah, blah, blah. I haven't said anything to him yet.

He's just talking and talking and talking and talking and talking.

And the only way I can interject, I actually hung up the phone.

I hung up the call and then called him back to tell him, hey, all right, I got to go now.

I was like, oh, okay.

Yeah.

Better now?

Oh, okay.

Whatever.

He hung up.

I don't care.

I'm over it.

Moving on.

Call him later.

Jesus.

Anyway, here we go.

Well, here's a Burger King in Guam.

Let's start calling Guam, eh?