You Stupid Asshole

T-minus 50 seconds, the vehicle now pressurized, and the vehicle is go as is the spacecraft at this time.

Coming up on the 40-second mark, T-minus 40 seconds and counting.

T-minus 40, all reports look good from here in the blockhouse at this time.

All aspects of the mission go, T-minus 30 seconds and counting.

We'll get ignition of those eight engines in the first stage at the three-second mark in the countdown.

This is basic civil defense information from the Department of Defense,

Office of Civil Defense, Washington.

If an enemy nuclear attack ever occurs,

many areas of the nation would be threatened by radioactive fallout.

If there is public shelter nearby, go to it.

Or if you have a home shelter, use it,

unless your local government has given you other instructions.

But if regular shelter isn't available,

and you have a house with a below-ground basement or storm cellar,

you can go fuck yourself.

Fix camera.

Hey, fuck camera.

I'll fix it later.

Hey, everybody.

Good evening.

I am Carlito, host of Madhouse Radio,

and I am the guy behind the microphone here,

behind the telephone machine, however, is Milkman.

Hey, Marito.

Good morning, good morning, Mr. Goodman.

I hear your melodious tones again, my brother, man.

Long time no see, man.

I'm so glad you're feeling better, man.

I'm so glad to hear you, man.

How's things been going with you, brother?

Things is good, buddy.

Thanks, man.

Things is good.

I'm glad you got back on schedule again, man.

That work schedule, man.

I don't know how you do it, man.

You're as bad as me.

I put in 14 hours a day, man, and you're going to need doubles, dude.

I don't know who's going to die first.

You better slow down, bro.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Well, I know you've got some serious action planned for us, and I know everybody's looking forward to it, as well as I am, Amito.

So do your magic and let the spaces machine spin their web.

Milkman.

Mm-hmm.

I'm saying that, Milkman.

Mm-hmm.

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

That's a 10-4.

Okay.

Okay, so let's do prank calls.

Damn it.

The IRC is down.

Damn it.

The listening IRC is down, unfortunately, because, oh, there's a power outage at some data center in Denver, Colorado.

Their basis machines have been called just momentarily.

Is that not what they said in your report there, and that's why they're down?

I don't know.

Their power is out in Denver, Colorado, so we lose that shit.

I don't know.

Maybe there's a tornado.

Basis machines are not.

But you can join in the tiny chat.

there is a chat machine there

the backup chat for us here

that's run by Mr. Dark

Stranger and that's

Mr. Dark Stranger you hottie

and that's over at

tinychat.com

slash cactus this

again that's tiny

tinychat.com

is it what you said tiny twat?

I'm trying to give it out

that's a gym term twat right?

right tiny twat twat tiny chat.com slash oh okay tiny chat i thought you said tiny twat man i've

been kind of interested there's like okay tiny chat.com slash cactus this that's the link machine

milkman open that up on your android phone all right do that now while you're driving

text and drive milkman all right sir i'm going to go 80 miles an hour and let both hands off

the wheel man and use my post about this thing in there so i'll be in there in a minute speaking

Speaking of which, today I got a new car stereo installed in the Madhouse car machine.

And I'm quite happy.

Dude, listen.

Listen to this thing.

This thing, it's awesome.

It's got Bluetooth support on it.

So I can do the in-car calling.

They put a microphone in my car.

So the car has a microphone in it.

and it's Bluetooth tethered, you know, to my phone, to my Android, my Galaxy S3.

Really?

Yeah, so get this.

It's a Sony.

I was going to get an Alpine, right?

For $20 more, I was like, I've always never had an Alpine.

That's a pretty, of the ones you can get in, you know, the big box stores,

Alpine and Kenwood, I guess, right, would be the nicer ones that you can pick up.

Yeah, I find it was always some of the best audio, because they had the lowest PDH, man, total harmonic PhD, total harmonic distortion back in the day.

Yeah.

Plus, they also were some of the first ones that came out with reliable software-based transports.

In other words, when you push the button that said play on a cassette player, I know you guys don't know what that is,

but some of them remember, ask your dad or your mom, when you push the button on the cassette player,

Originally, you had to push it against the ring, and then a little lever would come out to click,

and then it would lock it on mechanically.

But when the Alpine came out, they started out with first microprocessors.

You pushed a little tiny button, and it closed the circuit,

and it signaled the CPU to go ahead and change channels, adjust the audio, and all that kind of stuff.

The Alpine is very good stuff.

Unless it's gone bad, it's always been renowned for very, very good audio quality.

Good, good.

Well, here's the problem.

I decided to go with Sony because I started doing the research, and the Sony head unit, they got this app that you can get on iPhone or Android, and you can control, you can control, you can use the phone as a remote, first of all, for the head unit.

But then it's, but then, and conversely, you can control the phone through the head unit, right?

And check this out.

The apps that are available for it.

Look, here are the apps that I, and now.

Now, here's the thing.

You can load the special apps within the main application.

You can load little add-in apps to it.

Oh, like the old mini applets, huh?

Yeah.

So here I install TuneIn Radio.

I can listen to Madhouse Radio.

Yeah, YouTube I connected.

I connected Dog Catcher, which is my podcast.

So, anything on the phone, I can, even the, listen, man, the Google Maps navigation, it streams over, right?

So, you can be listening to your music, and then it'll either turn down the volume on the music or pause it, and it'll give you your next direction, like turn left here, and then go back in.

Yeah, plus I can do the wireless calling.

I just hit the button.

But here's the beauty part.

When I'm in that mode.

Wireless calling, what are you talking about, like voice calling, you mean?

Like, I can tell the phone, you know, call.

Oh, I'll voice control the phone.

I can say, call Athena on mobile.

But here's the thing.

My Galaxy S3, it has a car mode where you don't even have to hit a button.

All you have to say is, hello, Galaxy, and then it just, it beeps, and you give your command.

You say, hello, Galaxy, and it'll wake up your phone.

Even if it's in lock, it'll wake up your phone.

And then you can tell it to call or read your messages or send a text or...

Is it keyed to your voice only or is it keyed to just the sound of anybody's voice?

You can key it to your voice only.

You can train it.

You can make up any phrase you want.

Mine says...

Right.

And then you go through some steps and it learns the tones of your timbre of your voice.

And then you could, like, pattern them.

Yeah.

Well, yeah.

I made OK Computer, which is Radiohead's...

Oh, cool.

One of my favorite albums of all time.

OK Computer by Radiohead.

So literally I can be driving in my car and I can say, okay, computer, and it'll go beep, beep, and then I say, do what I can say, open tune in and play, and it starts playing whatever I have loaded.

So Madhouse Road, I can be driving around listening to Madhouse or Cacti or any of the other, you know, I get all my podcasts on there.

That is too cool, man.

Here's the other thing.

I'm an avid fan of –

And this is all Sony?

Yeah, yeah.

It's all Sony.

So here's another thing.

Well, how are you able to load shit?

So this thing connects to, what, Wi-Fi, too?

Or is it all going to be the problem?

Well, as a matter of fact, I've got it right here.

I just happen to have it here because I have to put it on the charges after the show.

I don't like to connect more USB devices than I have to to my computer here.

But this here, this is my portable Wi-Fi.

I've got one of those clear spots.

So I can put this on the dash or in the console, and I've got 4G data.

Oh, so you've got a portable hotspot and a mobile hotspot.

Yeah, but I also have the option of using my Android phone.

I can tether it wirelessly.

Right, right.

Is that tethering through the radio or through the Sony,

or how is that tethering done?

Is that through an app?

You tether it through the app via Bluetooth and stuff.

You know what I mean?

I can tether if I need to.

Right, right, right.

Just like kind of what we did before,

but now you've got the added thing that the hardware is connected

with a bunch of mini-apps.

Yeah, it's really cool.

Dude, here's the other thing.

it's got a usb port on it it's got a usb port on it and then all my music is on this which is my

ipod classic 160 160 gigs worth uh and i got a lot of shit on there dude well i can control the

ipod through the head unit i don't even have to touch the ipod i could just or i can tell the

head unit it also works with ipod how does it do that yeah yeah it works with ipod iphone you can

You can tell the unit, the Bluetooth.

This is all Bluetooth?

Is that what it is?

Or is it some kind of, like, what, bullshit?

No, it's a direct connection.

Apple Store stuff?

No, no, Apple, no.

This is any, I can put a USB thumb drive on there with MP3s on it

and play whatever's on it.

You know what I'm saying?

Oh, so it sees it as a piece of media.

It looks for file extensions that it can play.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, and it's iPod-compatible.

What type of extensions does it go through?

What type of extensions?

MP3, WAV, AAC, FLAC.

I know MP3 and WAV, AAC.

I'm not sure FLAC.

Probably not.

I don't know if FLAC or OGG is supported.

Well, if it's a mailing link, you'll win it, and Peter should support all those.

But that's damn good, man.

That's a lot, man.

That's a hell of a lot.

Yeah, so it's pretty...

How much is the fucking radio?

Dude, 500 bucks?

uh 129 it was on but yeah but i didn't pay for it someone else gave it to me someone gave it to

me that's the damn chinese i swear man that is crazy i had to they're japanese sony is we're

talking about my awesome radio i should have brought pictures i have a head unit here too

somewhere it's got that detachable face i don't know where i hope well i mean it's probably made

in china most everything now is outsourced even the poor japanese can't even afford

to compete against them.

Let me see what camera's on here.

Camera 2.

What is the wattage with the speaker output

configuration?

What is it? Does it go to an amp

or is it just low-pre-amp and you've got to use

external amps? How is it set up?

It's 52 times 4.

52 watts for channels, I guess.

Is that what that means?

Well, channel, okay, so you've got

rare, fade, and balance.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. 52, so it's what?

Nine.

208 amps, I'm supposing, right?

No, watts.

208 watts, I'm saying.

That's peak.

I'm sure that's not continuous.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and I'm not, I don't have an amp installed, a separate amp, you know, or subwoofers.

Oh, you mean, so if I pull up beside them and your license plate jiggling around and shit like they do over here,

and you fucking like 52-inch rims with like about 8-inch of tire on them,

i mean i've never seen it like that that's not my thing to me that's an advertisement for hey

police officer pull me over or because my music is too loud or hey break into my car and steal

my subwoofer from my truck and my amp but the 55 inch like like rims with like chrome or aluminum

and like eight inch tire man is that like is that part of that or is it just uh this is the only

non-stock big deal up here man these motherfucking cars these are so tall off the rims that they

They almost look like they're top heavy.

I don't know how in the hell they don't flip over because, I mean, they've got the rims like set fuckers off the ground by like two or three feet.

They kind of look like a damn, like, SUV or like a little, like, kind of like a four-wheel drive that's got a lift kit on it.

I mean, the fucking thing is so tall, dude.

You can, like, crawl underneath the car, man.

They're so tall.

Seriously.

Yeah.

And, you know, you try a police officer, you cop, you try to pull them over.

Those guys will come outside with curved swords, you know?

They have curved swords.

Oh, boy, yes.

A scimitar, man.

Hell, it might move out of a machete.

I mean, it really depends, right?

They come out with machetes.

Why do you think?

Machete.

Growing up in Puerto Rico, the machete was the ubiquitous defense weapon that every Puerto

Rican has in their house in the country.

I know.

I brought that machete because you wouldn't know that, man, because that's how we talk,

man, down there.

You know, the Puerto Ricans say, all right, machete, man.

Give me a machete.

They don't say machete.

Machete.

It's machete.

Yeah.

Give me a machete.

That's any...

Give me a machete.

In the countryside, not in the city area, but in the countryside where I'm from

or my family's from, yeah, everyone had a machete.

Every store owner had a machete under the counter.

Absolutely, dude.

I mean, if you're not using it to beat down bush,

then you're using it to chop your banana tree and trim it up, dude.

I mean, it's always useful.

Dude, machete's the tool.

Machetes are the shit.

You can do a lot of shit.

They are, and they attract me.

They're a hell of a defense weapon.

You can remove a hand, man, very quickly.

I remember once I was after school.

My mom and dad had a machete, and I used to use that shit.

It had duct tape on the handle.

The handle was old, and it had the duct tape on the handle keeping it together.

The motherfucker was sharp as fuck, though.

My dad would sharpen that motherfucker up every time he went to use it.

Oh, shit, dude.

Is that how you got that picture there when you showed me when you were a child?

Like, what, all half your head was, like, bald?

Like, is that when that machete slipped and, like, wiped half of your fur off that time?

Is that where that picture came from?

No, my dad would never do that.

He's an asshole.

Father's Day.

How did your dad didn't do it?

Oh, I thought that was where it slipped in your hand.

Kind of like chop off your throat.

I know I've seen that picture once.

It was pretty cool.

That was my mom.

I guess we should do a prank call.

Here's Lonesome is sending in.

Go mom, go mom.

We got Lonesome and Dark Stranger sending in numbers via Skype, so that helps out.

IRC, maybe the IRC will be back before the end of the show.

I can't guarantee it.

I think there's an IP address change.

uh the guy was telling me he was moving us to a chicago server because of the all right thank

you awesome and thank you dark sexy mr stranger thank you yes mr stranger mr stranger sir

absolutely man yes hold on what do you mean hold on i made calling and the phone ringing ringing

huh hold on mother fuck damn it here we are waiting holding on as the guy asked us to do

keep on holding on baby keep on holding on that's a good song you got your guitar there are you on

the road no i got my guitar here yeah break it out let's let's improv a song called keep on holding

on all right we need a good we need a good ballad you know okay that sounds good all right

remember those rock anthem ballads in the 80s keep on holding on yeah we're trying to keep on

Hey, we're playing the guitar over here

because we were waiting.

You hear what he's saying?

Hello?

Are you ready to take the order, sir?

Milkman?

Yes, sir.

I think you talked over him and he hung up.

He's not saying anything.

I'm apologizing because I had no idea.

I thought he was off the line.

I'm not mad.

We were jamming.

We were having a jam session, so who cares?

I thought we were in problem because you dropped off the line.

Yeah, we're having a jam.

Don't mute.

Play it.

Play the guitar.

Okay, then.

Oh, you want to hear the concert?

Okay, I'll just call some in now, then.

Hello.

Can I like to make an order, please?

Hello.

Yes, I'd like to make an order.

How are you, buddy?

How are you doing?

Good.

I called before you had to put me on hold for a while, huh?

You had to put me on hold when I called before for a little while, right?

Hello?

Shit.

He is, man.

and T3 and 1A.

What does that mean, T3?

Pen 15.

I was going to give him a little concert here.

All right.

All right, Milkman, no more guitar.

Milkman.

No more concert.

Okay, this is a lot.

There we go, man.

This isn't a music show.

All right, this is prank culture.

Oh, hell no.

Quit whacking and whining.

Man, you get over it, man.

I'm on channel.

Oops, lost Milkman.

Bonchude.

Well, do you find the magic marker and get a hold of Jack, man?

I like to hear him slobber one time at night.

Hello.

Yes.

Hello, hi.

Hey, buddy.

How you doing?

I wanted to make an order.

What order?

For food.

This is the Indian restaurant.

I'd like to have some Indian food.

I'd like one order of papadums.

This is a Japanese restaurant.

Oh, you don't have Indian food there?

He's a dickhead.

Milkman, you keep talking, and they keep getting upset.

Let me call him a stupid.

Hang on.

Let's see if he picks up.

I'm going to call him a stupid for saying that.

Well, actually, we can take the order of Joza, man, with jalapenos in it, or sushi with jalapeno in it.

I mean, his girls tell me about it.

Hello?

Hey!

Hello, sir?

Asshole.

Stupid, motherfuck, asshole.

Now you sit there and you listen to me call you a motherfucker, a bhenchod.

A nacagacita.

You're a stupid monotube.

You sit there and listen to me, you little monkey, you piece of shit.

A nacagacita.

Tell him you're hungry, man.

A nacagacita.

You stay on the line now, little monkey.

boy good afternoon yes hi a little monkey boy i like to make an order please i like to make an

order please you want to give me your door yes please yeah can i name please uh i'm sorry what

for did you say or name sorry did you ask me my name or what i wanted yeah i need your name please

oh my name is cross crop yeah cross cross c-r-o-s-s little monkey

You are Mr. Scrooge, yeah?

Yes, mister. That's correct.

Okay, what do you like?

A little monkey. I'd like one order of papadums, please.

What did you say?

I'd like one order of papadums, please.

Yeah.

Okay. Now, do you have any tandoori?

Tandoori? Tandoori chicken, yeah.

All right. One chicken tandoori, a little monkey. Okay.

Yeah.

Lawn bread. Do you have that separate?

How many naan?

Do you have garlic naan or just garlic naan or just plain?

Yeah, we have a garlic naan, yeah.

Okay, garlic naan.

Enough for three people, you little shit.

Yeah.

Okay.

Sorry, sorry.

Enough for three people, okay, and then one materchud.

Sorry?

One bhenchod and one materchud.

You fucking shit.

What is his problem, dude?

Oh, boy.

He's a little shit, that guy.

Milkman, try not to talk over the calls.

I don't know.

A little bit ago, you did.

I'm just giving you a heads up.

Don't worry, Milkman.

Yes, I was making an order, and the phone got disconnected.

Okay, you little monkey.

Okay, no problem.

I can hold.

Actually, we are not interested in them.

Sorry.

It's a little bit at the moment.

You shithead, stupid monkey, bancho.

Sorry?

You shithead, stupid monkey, bancho.

You know, you fucking cunt.

I am fucking cunt.

Yes, you are.

I fuck your mother's cunt.

You know that?

Yeah.

Your mother came in front of me, and I fucked her in the cunt.

Okay, come on.

Come on in.

Come on in now.

Bring your mother and sister as well, okay?

She cleaned my cunt off with her mouth out.

Bring your mother and sister, and I'll show you how fucking cunt I am.

She tasted me.

She tasted me also.

She had some taste.

And she tasted herself.

Your mother and sister are right now with me.

And I'm fucking them.

No, but I'm fucking your mother first.

I fucked your mother first.

I keep fucking her too.

You know how you were born?

What?

How you were born?

You...

My dog went into your mom's pussy and you came in, you motherfucker.

Yeah.

A donkey fucked your mother and you came out of her ass.

Come on, come on, come on, man.

Come on, come on.

You came out of your mother's ass.

She took a shit and you came out.

You're a big shit that talks and walks.

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

Uh-huh.

Mel, you angry little monkey.

Whoa.

Right, Milkman?

Where did he go, man?

He disappeared rather abruptly, man.

Maybe he's having trouble understanding English.

Hello?

I'm sorry.

Let's not be like that.

I'm sorry, okay?

Is that?

Let's not be like that.

I'm sorry that I said that those things like that. Okay. Okay, you little monkey shit

Yes

You're a cheaty, cheaty, stupid.

Wow.

I was just letting him go because I wanted to get that audio

and play it back to other Indians, so I was trying not to interrupt it.

But that was actually really nice.

Very nice flow.

He was doing a very good job, man.

I think you're going for a kick.

Oh, shit, man.

He went off.

Dude, he went off, man.

He worked at every angle, man.

Father and sister.

It's a family affair.

Yeah, man.

I'm telling you.

All right.

Well, those are some older numbers because Lonesome, we weren't in communication at first.

But he has since.

A while ago, as a matter of fact, he did connect here with me.

And as a result, Milkman, we have numbers from Lonesome, and we also have those Dark Stranger numbers, Milkman.

I know you're excited about that.

You were telling me.

Oh, and Mr. Stranger and Mr. Lonesome.

Mr.

yeah and the

lonesome loser we got a lot of mcdonald's in hawaii we also have people who've lost some things

on the Craigslist there.

We also have from Dark Stranger

people selling odd things,

including someone who wants to trade

massage for a massage.

Hey, man, that's...

Is there any bed sharing

or any bed sharing possible in that one?

I don't know.

You know, there was...

I did ask you, though, earlier.

I don't know if you could maybe, like,

call up Mr. Highlighter

and see if you can bring Mr. Matt

to one slobbery call.

I heard you already.

I heard you that you said that you want me to do that thing.

I heard you.

I didn't get a reply, so I just wondered if it was like no or maybe.

Maybe, maybe, maybe, all right.

All right, then I'll keep my napkin out in case you just start bringing Jack and start slobbering.

Okay, buddy.

All right, here's someone that lost their stupid iPhone because they're a stupid asshole, you know.

Stupid asshole spaces machine or master.

Calling the Island Republic of Hawaii here.

Just a moment.

Here we go.

No, I get to pull this thing here.

Hi, this is Karen.

Leave a message and I'll call you back.

Thanks.

At the tone.

Please record.

Barber food.

Wow.

Good, good, good.

Train wreck, man.

Diesel.

The hell are you talking about?

Train wrecks and diesel fuel.

Are you crazy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are you in a bad mood?

I got OG ash.

No, OG ash and some train wreck diesel, man.

Another nice and ready for you.

Hi, this is Karen.

Leave a message and I'll call you back.

Thanks.

At the tone.

Barber food.

All right.

Nothing there.

That's a shit.

Okay, here is pig removal.

Pig removal, everybody.

If you didn't know, that sort of thing exists.

Deer and pig removal.

They're county approved.

Pig removal?

Yeah.

We are the deer.

Where's that at?

Is that out west somewhere?

In Hawaii, the Hawaiian Deer Harvesting Cooperative.

Wow.

They do fencing, fencing consultation, traps and corrals, archery.

Archery.

And rifle hunting.

Fuck yeah.

Hell yeah, man.

You're running with a bow, man.

Bow running's awesome, man.

That's why Jim Stewart got the good, man.

I mean, he's got freaking forearms the size of most men's thighs.

You get women with that.

If archers, I hear they get laid all the time.

They probably get laid.

If you're an archer in the Olympics, you get a lot of sex.

Yeah.

Well, they got that whole new theory about Pharaoh, man.

And it's like, you know, it's amazing.

Yeah, man.

Totally.

Totally, Milkman.

Let me see if I get this number to drop.

you're weird sometimes man i don't know about you i don't like it i don't like the way you

look at in tiny chat the video no one is on except for me everything else is stupid cats

and we're looking at jose jose or as i might call him jose we're looking at his arm and his

soccer shirt you know hey take your shirt off jose let's see those uh let's see what

take off your shirt jose that's not gay man come on you should take off your shirt i like to see

that well you want to see milkman you want to see jose take off his shirt for us on the camera i do

there's nothing wrong with that just take a look you know we'll let you know what's going on

see if you have any hairs yet how old is jose he's like 15 right or something like that

you guys can watch it and then just like give me a blow-by-blow details man i don't want to know

No, like, sexual things or masturbation or any of that kind of shit.

No dicks or anything else.

Yeah.

All right, cool.

Take that nice little shirt off.

Hosea.

All right, here's a number for...

Yeah, I just need to know where Hosea is.

I can go around Hosea, man.

Okay.

Affordable bedroom furniture for $90.

Let's see what drops down here.

Probably nothing.

Garden furniture.

What the fuck do you need furniture in the garden for?

I thought you planted shit and not lived there.

Some people like to sit in the garden.

Raise the rise and ring back tone while your party is reached.

Well, I know Cassie likes to shit in the garden.

Hello.

Anyone there?

Hello.

Hey.

Is anyone there?

Hello.

Yeah.

Hey, buddy.

I was calling regarding your Craigslist ad.

I was very interested.

In which one?

Oh, which one was it there?

The, oh, God, help me.

You help me.

What did you have?

I'm looking at a few things.

I'm sorry.

well there's like household items and i had all the furniture you have the furniture you see what

i'm i'm moving so i've called for tvs and uh yeah yeah stuff and i i got a whole list of them god

help me i need to get out of here all right so basically this like these practical jokers thought

it'd be funny they broke all the windows inside my apartment and they i don't know how but they

They ended up getting or either 22 cats jumped in through the window or they put them there, 22 cats.

And they were over the weekend, and the cats defecated and clawed up all the furniture.

And then the landlord came, and he was like, you motherfucker, like that he said to me and everything.

And I wasn't even in town.

When I got home, I saw these cats, and he came behind me and said, you motherfucker, the cats were inside the bedroom, and they were screaming, and they were mating inside there.

so now i have to get out i need new furniture okay now were there any cats or dogs around this

furniture i do have a small dog it's an outside dog though oh he doesn't ever come in and sit on

there no oh never ever no i mean the only time i mean i have a gate and everything in my house so

oh now have you ever come out of the shower and just sat down on the furniture while you dry

yourself off no i usually dry myself off in the bathroom okay all right that's good all right

Alright, that's good. And you've had this furniture for how long?

About a year, or a little less than a year.

And you have some lady friends there sitting on the furniture with you?

Sitting on there?

Yeah, you know, sitting and you start hugging and kissing and stuff.

I don't think so on my couch.

No? Do you have any male, special gentleman callers that come over ever?

Uh, no.

Okay, can I like to come in and sit on the furniture and have you sit next to me, you know?

What's that?

that i like to come in and have you sit down on the furniture next to me and you know i just want

to get a feel how it is to have a man next to me and all that on the furniture what kind of

furniture you have you have a couch yeah the couch and chair does the couch have a mattress

that folds out comes out there's a sleeper uh no oh that'd be awesome we could put out the

sleeper couch too you know yeah so what kind of outside dog do you have it's a uh i don't know

It looks like a small manual, I guess.

How big are his sexual organs?

The female.

Oh, they're not very big then, right?

No.

Oh, all right.

Do you have air conditioning?

Yeah.

Oh, that'd be nice.

You know, I can bring over some lemonade.

Some lemonade.

Would you like some lemonade?

No.

No?

You don't like to drink lemonade?

What do you like to drink, buddy?

You want some water?

I got my own drinks and fine.

Hey, open up your fridge.

Open up your refrigerator right now.

Let's see what's in it.

let's have a look i'm not at home right now oh where are you i haven't worked oh well you got

a refrigerator there uh in the break room let's go go over to it real quick and let's see what's

in there i can't really not really be able to do that right now oh what are you doing right now

like exactly where are you at a toll plaza what are you working at the toll plaza the what plaza

it's uh this oh these cars come in and you gotta pay a quarter 35 cents to go on the man's highway

away no i'm not i don't work in the toll booth oh yeah where are you security guard what are you

security guard man i'm not i don't work for the toll booth at all oh what are you doing are you

in a desk what are you doing man what kind of work you do what matter let's let me see if i can

guess let's see that are you wearing a uniform what's that do i wear a uniform yeah do you wear

a uniform yeah all right let me think here do you handle money no uh that's so do you work at you

don't do you work in retail oh man i don't know then do you work in medical field no this is gonna

have to be a mystery that i guess we never solved you know i guess so i guess so too i don't know

do you sit at a desk sometimes sometimes do you work for a railroad are you a cop uh nope you're

a taxi dispatcher or you're a taxi driver are you a sexy fireman nope i give up milkman you got any

ideas because i just i can't but it's what you have a radio in the background do i have a radio

in the background yeah yeah all right so there's something where you talk on the radio you're not

a cop or a firefighter and you're not a security guard you sometimes sit at a desk and you don't

work in retail at all and you don't handle money are you do you work in a stock room damn i i just

i really don't know i don't know i'm trying a 20 questions thing here you want to play with me i'll

tell you what i do you have to play 20 questions questions do you handle food no ah do you clean

things no don't clean anything damn it man yeah i don't know are you an elevator attendant nope

no bartender you don't handle money so no can't be that you don't clean things bartenders clean

things they clean the glasses and stuff they got their duties yeah i don't know i don't know

i don't know are you uh you you work as a cameraman for a local television station

No.

Do you drive a vehicle?

Sometimes.

But not all.

Do you drive a vehicle more than 50% of the time?

50-50?

Man, are you a limo driver?

No.

Damn it.

Are you a male nurse?

No.

You work in the medical industry?

No medical.

Oh, man.

I just, I don't know.

Do you reset store merchandise?

I'll just go ahead and tell you.

Well, I guessed that a long time ago.

No, you didn't.

Yeah, he did.

That was, like, one of the first things I said.

Nope, never heard it.

God, yes.

I even said it again.

I said, you're not a security guard, but you have a radio.

That was, as a matter of fact, I asked you security guard before anything else, I'm pretty sure.

I thought you said toll booth.

Oh, yeah, you got a point.

Anyway, well, hey, good luck with your furniture, you know, man.

I hope you sell that and stuff.

I hope it's clean, like, you know?

Yeah, me too.

I got this cheap furniture once, and when I got home, I found a single cigarette.

It wasn't even lit.

Like, an unlit cigarette was in between the cushions.

It really turned me off.

That's weird.

Yeah, it sucks.

All right, well, it's been good talking to you, you know.

You take it easy.

You be careful there, security machine, you know.

Are you armed or unarmed security?

Both.

Both?

All right, there you go.

That's good.

Cool, man.

All right.

Well, you take it easy there, young man.

Okay.

Thank you for your service to our country.

You have a good one.

Whatever.

Asshole, I did say security really early in that milkman, didn't I?

is gone now jose plays football american football shit prize i don't like that at all jose

mexicans playing football someone's got an ottoman for sale in arkansas in arkansas here i go hello

hey boy how you doing there i see yes what are you looking for hey boy see you have some things

here for sale i'm looking to get an ottoman you know okay yeah okay and what color is ottoman

These are actually a...

Are they chocolate?

Not the chocolate, actually.

All white.

Yeah, very similar to cream color.

Yeah, so sometimes you have dog, you have chihuahua,

because you're Mexican, you have a chihuahua, right?

I'm sorry?

Because you're Mexican, you probably have a chihuahua who's not neutered or spayed?

No, no, no.

I don't have any pet in my apartment.

Oh, good, yeah.

Because, you know, chihuahua is a Mexican dog, you know?

It comes from Mexico.

What?

The Chihuahua is a dog that comes from Mexico, you know?

It's a good dog.

It's a small dog.

But they go outside and they do caca, and they come in and they sit on the ottoman, you know?

Okay, yeah, I understand.

But I don't have any bad things at all.

Yeah, because the dog doesn't use toilet paper, you know?

It just has the feces that stick to the anus in the back part, the fur in the back and everything.

Right, right, right.

Yeah, just like I said, I'm not pet loving and I don't have any pets.

So, yeah, you don't need to worry about that.

Yeah, good.

Yeah, because if I catch a dog sitting on my furniture, I have a newspaper.

I roll it up.

I have the penny saver.

I hit him real hard.

I go, bah, like that, right in the head.

And I said, you motherfucker, you stupid fucking Mexican, Hispanic piece of shit,

shit, spic, wetback, motherfucking, stupid, Latino, Spanish-speaking, chihuahua dog, you

know?

That's what I say.

Right, right.

Yeah, I'm not Latino.

I don't speak Spanish.

I don't know any of the things.

You stupid, non-American, immigrant, asshole, stupid, fucking, piece of shit dog.

That's what I say to the dog.

I hit it with a newspaper.

That's what I do.

So, the ottoman's in good shape, then?

How old is it?

Well, I bought this in last December.

Uh-huh, in December.

And why are you getting rid of it?

What happened?

Oh, no, I'm moving out from Arlington Road.

I'm just trying to tell all my staff.

You broke up with your male friend, your boyfriend?

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm moving out from Arkansas.

I'm leaving this state.

Oh, yeah, it's a bad state, right?

No, no, no, it's a good state.

I just got another job, and I'm moving out.

I'm going to another state.

so you and your car and your chihuahua dog are moving out of state very good good i like that

i'm happy you're leaving for a long time forever you're leaving i'm happy you're leaving son of a

bitch wow okay hey buddy how you doing i see that you have an ottoman for sale yes have any price

you like to tell or you just like to tell the story of yourself well i'm just trying to you

You know, I don't want to be rude.

I just want to call just because I need something.

Well, let's make a point.

Hey, buddy.

Would you like to participate?

Yeah.

Would you like to participate?

Yeah, go ahead.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Okay, now, do you have any other furnitures there, sir?

Yeah, I do have a lot of it, and I have a TV console.

Uh-huh.

And do you have a breast pump at all?

I'm sorry?

Do you have breast pumps at all?

Do you have dining table with chairs, right?

right? No, I don't have a dining table. I already sold it. Why? Did they pick it up or are you just

holding it from them? No, they already picked it up. But I give you more money. How much? I'll

give you $70 for the table. How much more? I got $225 and they already took it from my apartment,

okay? So there is no dining table and chairs. Oh my God. So when you decide on what you'd like

to purchase give me a call okay i have i have cash okay so for loveseat i give you 520 dollars

how's that huh you like oh okay okay 528 dollars right now does that can you do a check or you need

cash i need cash all right i'll go down there and is it a problem if it's all in singles and

one dollar bills is that okay uh so you're asking me what type of dollar will uh you can bring

And if it's all in dollar bills, is that okay?

Yeah, okay.

Okay, and then I want to put the $520 dollar bills in your big, fat face in your nose.

Say, smell it, smell it, like that, because you're an asshole.

All right, we'll leave him alone.

Man, we'll leave that guy alone, okay?

That's enough.

You should have lost him, man.

The connection was broken.

You don't know what happened there.

Maybe it was a language barrier.

Damn.

You could tell the guy he had a chihuahua.

All right.

Here's a psychic reader, healer, and advisor.

Well, I didn't want to interrupt.

You said Ottoman?

That's what he advertised in Ottoman?

Yeah, it's from the old...

It's Turkish.

Well, originally...

Okay, here's the funny coincidence.

Originally, Ottomans were Ottoman Turks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Eric.

What are we doing?

Are we calling or what?

Hello?

Oh, man.

Come on, man.

It went to voicemail.

That is a message.

I don't know.

You must have called.

I'm trying to tell you something.

I'm sorry.

Please leave your message for...

All right, now the Ottoman Turks, right?

And what happened?

Ottoman Turks were the original names of the Turks.

So I was just making the point of that.

Ottoman Turks, like the abandoned, you're trying to send a Turk.

Sell a Turkish.

So maybe segue that into, like, something else.

The Turkish chicken.

The Turkish kitchen.

That's what I was getting at.

I was trying to get into some of the things in common.

The Ottoman Turk is another term for Turkish people.

Originally, they were called the Ottomans.

Okay, well, let's see if they'll...

Well, people don't remember the history.

They took over the fucking world at one time.

They spread their disgusting, disgusting things.

What's the area code for that place again?

510? 515? What is it?

Yeah.

Yeah, what?

10.

I'll try that.

Yes.

Hello, I had a question about the Ottomans that you use for your feet in the couch.

Ouch. Isn't that after the Turkish-Ottoman Turks? Is that true?

Motherfuckers.

The smelly people? The smelly asshole people?

You're the asshole.

You smell bad. All Turkish people smell bad.

Faizan says motherfucker. That's her answer, Milkman, to everything.

That's all that woman knows. She's got such a dirty, potty, filthy mouth on her.

Toilet mouth. She has a toilet on the brain and toilet in the mouth.

Now, you know, toilet in the brain.

Well, of course Onassis for a husband.

I mean, what do you expect?

Christ, he's talking about pulling the horse's asses and shit, that crazy guy.

Onassis, he looks like fucking Onassis.

I swear to God, man, he looks like Onassis.

You know what I'm saying?

He'd be like five, three, or four.

He'd be like a big looking miniature Onassis.

So you've said, Milkman.

So you've reported and said here in the past.

Yes, thank you, Onassis.

Thank you.

Let's continue on here and do some more numbers.

i'll play uh all right the madhouse mercedes is on the road the what the madhouse mercedes

is now on the way all right good good for you i need to do i need to go up to the project there

and do an interview all right here's big andy who's selling a 500 gallon air compressor machine

with a rebuilt motor for sale or trade motherfucker yeah shut up yes hello you have a

air compressor for sale there darling yes sure do you a little shit yeah i saw here um what are

you asking for for sale i don't really have anything to trade for it let me let you talk

to him okay all right honey baby yes hello i see you have a air compressor machine here

with a rebuilt motor yeah it's a 500 gallon air compressor that comes from uh dayton ohio

Holy shit, you fucking asshole.

Yeah, that's great.

And then they come out of a body shop.

They run six tank guns and six sanders on it at the same time.

And how long ago did you rebuild the motor, asshole?

The motor was rebuilt years ago.

Fuck you.

But the body shop closed down.

I recently bought the body shop.

It's been closed down for quite some time.

But the air compressor still works and still works like a champ.

I had a body shop.

I had a body shop, too, and I want to open a new one.

I didn't do the trick.

Yeah, you see, it's the gym, old gymnasium, and we bought it out.

And what happens is there's equipment, and then there's a sauna.

No one uses the equipment.

We call it a body shop still, you know?

Yeah, I understand.

The men take out the reservation, and they get a whole month for $20,

and they come in, and you go straight to the sauna,

and you sit down in the sauna with none of your clothes on,

but you have, like, a towel around where your penis is,

and then you look at each other, and you show, you know, yourself,

and you touch yourself and everything, and it's all anonymous.

So I want to put the compressor in there.

You can put it up someone's asshole and turn it on.

That's what you're into, man. I'm asking $2,000 for it.

$2,000, and we can put it...

Can I put it up your wife's asshole and see how she likes it?

I think she'd probably blow your damn head off

if you tried anything like that.

But, to be honest, she's a better shot than me.

Yeah, but it's 500-gallon air compressed out in her assholes.

I'd probably blow her away first before she blew my head off.

See, that's the thing, though.

You've got to wait on it to build up pressure and all that.

All she's got to do is just pull the hammer back and pull the trigger.

I think she's got you beat.

You think she's mad at me?

I think she's pretty pissed off because she's looking at me like,

what the hell is going on?

Tell her that I'm sorry.

Say, honey baby, I'm sorry.

Tell her I said that.

Honey baby.

Yeah, that and our two-year-old sitting here wondering why someone on speakerphone was saying such vulgar stuff.

Is it a girl or a boy?

It's a little girl.

Oh, no.

I'm sorry, honey.

Sweetie, honey.

What's your name?

Hey.

I'm Cross.

How are you?

Do you like Superman?

I'm trying to talk to her.

She's just looking at you.

Do you like Superman's honey?

Huh?

Oh, no.

What does she like?

Does she like, I don't know.

Does she like boobah?

What does she like to watch?

watch does she like you like yo gaba gaba you stupid fucking baby say call fucking baby what's

her name alia oh that's like that uh black girl that died in the plane crash so who you named her

after why would you do that why would you name her after a black girl that died in a plane crash

why did you like the movie romeo must die shut the fuck up and get a laugh yeah seriously that

That was your idea, wasn't it, you stupid?

Hell yeah.

Wow.

That was interesting, man.

She's really a killer.

I was trying to talk to the baby.

The stupid baby.

I like it.

I'm sorry how these people make up shit, you know?

I'm like,

I can't get on this one and why you're so wrong.

I never fucking met a two-year-old and knew a fucker.

I don't know if I'm going to start making shit on you,

piss on you, lie on you.

I don't care.

I don't know what the hell they wanted me to do there.

I was trying to say, hey, I don't know, man.

I think they were supposing, like, you know, that you could really believe them.

Do you like boobah?

What else it is?

Do you like yoga or gaba?

I don't know what else.

Do you like Superman?

What do kids like?

I'm going to think.

What time is it?

What, 1145 back here?

I'm a fucking kid, you know.

It's long.

Put the air compressor in their asshole.

All right, here's a...

That's a dick move also, you know?

Yeah.

All right, we've got for sale, like new, a stand-up deep freezer.

Good, clean refrigerator.

Yeah.

They also got a new gas grill with the work machine.

Includes propane tank.

Yeah, man.

Propane tank.

Propane and propane accessories.

accessories i don't know what's going on with the show tonight i just i keep sneaking in curse words

and insults of people well they're catching it because most of these people are actually

stopping for a second like did he really just say that yeah i think they're trying to be

yeah is that big james cox mr cox yes you got that goddamn deep freezer yeah i'm looking to

put some deer meat in that motherfucker you know fill it up about how much about how much deer meat

can you think a whole carcass or or can go in there without it no idea overtaxing you a little

shit yeah oh this is cross i was really interested in the stand-up deep freezer you know me we're

here this year you know we're gonna be shooting these fucking asshole deers you know and um put

them inside the freezer and see what i mean i don't talk to people that talk to me like this

don't call my number back thank you motherfucker see he's he's a smart guy there that guy he

He figured it out really quick.

It's Sunday, motherfucker.

Yeah, I'm sorry, honey baby sweetie.

I was calling about the defreezer.

I'm upset over here.

My wife was giving me a hard time, and I said some curse words to her.

And I think, was that your husband or your dad?

He thought I was talking to him.

I don't mean that.

I'm really interested in the defreezer.

I'll give him $170.

Okay, let me make you talk to him.

All right, honey.

Thanks, baby, you sweetie, little sexy little thing, you.

If you want to talk to me with a normal thing, fine, but you were cursing me and things,

and I had no mood to be cursing.

I'd take the damn thing and shove it out the back door before, you know, he would sell it, period.

I know.

I'm sorry.

It's because my wife, my wife was cursing over here.

The price of it's on the, on the, on the swamp shop thing, son.

Well, I'll give you, I'll give you 170, motherfucker, you know,

You know, because I was really mean to you and cursing.

I'm not a motherfucker.

sorry i just i have i wasn't

I don't think I want to do business with you.

Don't call my number again, I'll call the sheriff's department.

You know, Cox means penises.

That's your last name.

Motherfucker.

I ain't no motherfucker.

Holy shit.

That ain't good.

That ain't right.

I ain't no motherfucker.

Just in a bad mood, I guess, tonight.

That's why I'm just being mean and crotchety.

Yeah, I mean, he was trying to put it over on you, man.

You're just saying it's a customer, you know.

Trying to ask some decent questions, right?

That's fair.

You know, I'm responding because certain people out there lately have been saying,

Oh, all Carlito does, all he does is call and he's mean.

And he makes people upset because he's mean.

Yeah, that's all he does.

Oh, fine.

That's all I do.

That's all I'll do then.

We'll have fun with it.

Stupid shit.

Little shit.

I'm just in a bad mood.

It's Midori.

Sorry, I can't answer the phone right now.

Please leave a message.

Madocone.

That's what that guy is.

That's Jose.

He sounds like that.

Hey, buddy, I see you got these things here that you're trying to work out on Craigslist.

Say that one more time.

I've got what?

You got a bed machine here, a queen-size mattress with stains, and a box spring set.

Does it have any broken?

I don't have them anymore.

Do you have anything else that you're getting rid of, you little shit?

Shit. You got anything else?

Nope. Don't have anything else.

Fuck. You know, fuck. That's all I got.

Fuck you then, asshole.

Stupid asshole.

He didn't sell it. He's upset

that I started out talking like I did.

Hello?

Yeah, I was calling about

these queen mattresses that you have.

Okay.

It was like a little bit of like

digital splatters.

I mean, it's right at the beginning of the call, man.

Your audio is happening, you know.

brown suede couch and recliner from lonesome loser here that was fucking retarded we call

them for that stupid shit well that i mean already could tell you when i when i was recovering from

surgery two years ago already used to call me saying hey already was like hey let's do

prank calls i'm like all right fine and we never recorded them but it was i mean

we would call this date line uh this date this phone chat line me and arty and

And I remember, I don't know, but we got, we got on there and, uh, I would just like,

I would say, Hey, what's up?

I really like to talk coffee, you know, talk all stupid like that.

And I remember we, we never forget that there was this one lady who was like, she heard

that message.

You're fucking disgusting.

You motherfucker.

How dare you fucking call me and make, all I did was go like that.

Like I had Tourette's or something.

She's like, I'm going to go.

She's like, you fuck.

She's like from New York or something.

She's like, you motherfucker.

This is Tane.

I can't get to my phone right now.

Just leave me a message and I'll get back to you on the 10th.

To send your message, press 1 at any time.

To listen to your message, press 2.

To send your message, press 1 at any time.

To listen to your message, message sent.

Thank you for calling.

Goodbye.

Weird, stupid message.

Someone's trying to call.

I don't got a message on that.

It's the weirdest thing I've heard.

It would freak me out if I got a message like that.

I'd be like, what the fuck was that?

Leave him another message.

Listen, Tane, I can't get to my phone right now.

Just leave me a message and I'll get back to you on the 10th.

To send your message.

To send your message, message sent.

Thank you for calling.

fuck sounds like someone's shitting their asshole out

all right cool my nose is stuffed up uh we got a what is it a night here we go a nice pull as i

was talking about before guys a pull-out sofa nice pull-out sofa in good condition has a mattress in

minute but it will need a new one has no scratches tears or rips if you're interested call or text

there it is

yes hi i was calling about this pull-out sofa that you have

The who?

The pull-out sofa.

Oh, yes, sir.

Yeah.

Now, how old is the sofa?

Well, I only had it for probably about a year.

It's not very old.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Now, have you always had it covered with a plastic, or has the plastic been removed?

Well, it was just removed when I moved up into my new house.

Oh, you took it off.

Yeah, you took it off?

Yeah.

And do you have any pets that sat on it or, you know, took a shit and sat on it?

Do you have any people that, did you change any diapers on it?

No?

Do you have any babies on there taking a shit and piss and change your diapers out and you wipe their asshole?

And their private parts and you put a new diaper on them?

Okay.

That's scary as fuck, man.

If I got a call like that.

Black ladies praising Jesus.

Do you ever do any breastfeeding?

You ever do any breastfeeding on the sofa couch?

Oh, hello, honey.

Oh, honey, baby.

Okay.

I'll leave her alone.

She's like sassy, you know, African-American sassiness.

Throwing that at me.

Sassing around, strutting around like she owns the fucking world.

Anyway, sleep like a king, this one says here, for $725.

We have a California king bed, the biggest bed ever made.

This includes mattress, box springs, head and footboard machines.

It's in very good condition, must sell for personal reasons.

Holy shit, I also have a matching stand that goes with it.

All right, here we go.

If we make him an offer, he will satisfy us.

We will have a bed.

He will have a money.

Everyone wins.

I'm sorry.

But the person you called has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet.

Well, I guess we can't leave a message on that one.

Damn it.

What the f***?

I'm sorry.

Bitch.

Next, queen-size bedroom set.

Light wood, contains the headboard, pillow, top mattress, box room.

Blah, it's got a bunch of shit.

Okay, here we go.

Bed machine for sale.

Oh, the bed machine.

Bed, bed, bed machine for sale on the f***ing computer machine.

Where are you going with all the things?

Get them on the computer there.

Computers are the future.

Computers are going to sink that into the next prank call.

Hey, how are you doing there?

I understand you have a queen bed mattress.

Hold on a second.

Hey, Dave.

My wife does all this.

How are you, motherfucker?

All right, no problem.

Thank you.

I was wondering about the mattress.

Fuck yeah.

Shit, we already sold it.

She's doing it.

Oh, never mind.

It's already been sold.

My bad.

What?

You fucking asshole.

You're both fucking assholes

for not fucking selling me that shit.

You know, fuck you and ass.

Fuck both of you and ass.

Go fuck her in the ass

and pull it out and make her eat it off

your dick. Ass to mouth.

Son of a bitch.

I hate both of you. I hate you both.

Alright, have a good night.

Bye.

That's what they get for selling it, motherfucker.

Everyone else sold it. I sold it.

But everyone, I sold, I sold, I sold bullshit.

Didn't sell shit.

Four poster bed.

Don't know if you guys noticed, but a new microphone thing here.

Nice swing arm here instead of that big pole.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Eight.

I don't know what I was thinking there.

Anyway, I'm going to take a break.

You know what I mean?

I got to go take a break real quick.

Got to try to find the toilet.

So when I find it and use it, I will return here.

I'll wash my hands, of course.

Of course, every time.

Without fail.

Here's a prank call for September 15th, 2009.

Let's see if it's good, because it has no title, motherfucker.

Of course, she used to own Vietnam.

They used to call it Indochina.

Indochina.

They're French.

Yeah.

They did that.

Good morning, I'm D'Andresha Matthews.

Hello.

Yeah.

Yes, hello.

I would like to make a reservation.

Do you want to make a reservation?

Yes, for Indochinese food.

Hello?

Woman.

No, Indochina.

Okay, Indochina.

I am calling Indochina, am I not?

Ah, you called Indochina.

Uh-huh, yes.

One moment, sir.

Yes, I am in Indochina.

I am in the country of Indochina.

Do you understand this?

Woman.

Woman!

Hello?

I command you to speak.

Yes, hello, sir?

I will make questions, and you will answer.

Is this understood?

Yes.

Very well.

Put me down for two spaces, please.

Hello?

Yes, hello.

Hello, sir?

What information do you need?

What is the reservation for tonight or tomorrow?

Tonight.

How many persons, sir?

I need two spaces.

Two spaces.

Yes.

Now, spaces.

Do you understand?

Two spaces.

It's for how many persons?

Two spaces.

I need two spaces.

Do you...

Oh, my God.

Just write it down.

Write it down and make it happen.

You understand?

Two spaces.

Do you need my name?

Sorry, sir.

My name's Nhi.

No, I don't care about your name.

Do you need my name?

Yes, I need your name.

Okay.

My name is Mr. Vagina Jones.

Can you spell your name?

V-A-G-I-N-A

No, V-A-G-I-N-A

G-I-N-A

Yes.

Can you repeat that to me, please?

May I have your phone number?

It's 407-459-4534

Can you tell me again?

407

459

R-T

One, two.

Yes.

Sir, your phone is not a mobile phone in Vietnam?

No, this is my telephone number that I use, my phone number.

I have satellite phone.

Because my phone cannot call your phone.

Do you have the phone in Vietnam, mobile phone, same Vina phone?

This is my phone.

This is satellite phone.

It works in Vietnam.

I'm from the United States of America.

I am an ambassador.

My name is Vagina Valente.

I'm an ambassador from the United States of America.

I need free food.

I will sit down and I will eat, and my bodyguard will eat, and my son will eat, and we will eat for free.

Then I will have sexual relations with a woman from there.

Okay.

Are you interested in citizenship?

Would you like to become an American citizen?

I can make a reservation for you.

No, no, but I want to save you from Vietnam.

I want to save you.

You understand?

understand like i'll let you we'll go everywhere and you can spend all the money on clothes that

you want and everything you can buy all the rice you want oh we can get married and you'll be

american citizen you want to do this i don't know i'm a movie star i'm a movie person i'm in movies

you're a movie star yes i'm american i'm handsome american i have blonde hair blue eyes i look good

I'm in shape.

I have lots of money and cars.

Do you have a car?

Yes, I, but I just have a motorbike.

What kind of car do you have?

I have a motorbike.

Milkman, are you here, sir?

Mr. Man, you were very high.

Okay, well, let's do some of these dark stranger numbers.

Here's someone with two breast pumps.

No, just one.

I take that back.

Just one breast pump.

Very high.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

8-0-8-2

Shit, man.

I'll try it again.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Straight to the voicemail.

All right, next one.

Here's another breast pump machine.

Do you want to suck my dick, Berserker?

I'll take a pass, dude.

All right.

Hi, Baz.

Please leave your message.

Negative answer there.

Negative answer.

No contact.

Baby rabbits?

Baby wabbits.

Yeah, okay.

Someone's got baby rabbits.

Might be wrapping up the show here.

I've been up since 3 o'clock in the morning.

It is now midnight.

Just saying.

Seriously.

If I do not answer, then I'm probably not.

Probably stupid.

Probably.

Hey, Ken, asshole.

Hey, I'm not Ken.

Oh.

What the hell?

Your name says Ken.

Oh, you're Zyklon.

Ken was calling.

Oh, I put you on instead.

Let me get Ken here.

Hang on.

Hey, where's Milkman?

Oh, I don't know.

He's with a customer.

Is he touching his penis?

Oh, he gets mad.

Don't say that.

Milkman get mad.

Oh, you see, I'm not the one, Milkman.

This was bad.

You know?

Milkman needs to check.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Oh, Milkman's mad now.

Oh, shit.

I had to talk with Cass.

Don't say mean things about Milkman anymore.

Is he touching his sexual organs?

Aloha, you've reached Megan.

0-4-2-5-3.

Oh, aloha, my dick.

your mouth see what lonesome's got going on dark stranger because your numbers are weak woman ride

from law little rock to hot springs to denver okay how the wow 26 year old male relaxed easy

to get along with all right yay easy to get along with he's easy guys remember the unmentioned role

of the road i'm gonna pass them around you have reached mailbox number do you want to suck my

My dick bazaar.

Yeah, they're supposed to be making a Clerks 3.

That's what I understand.

Yeah, and they're screening that cartoon movie.

Jay and Bob's super groovy cartoon movie.

They've been screening it around.

Oh, okay.

I've got to check that out.

Yep.

Yeah, you've got to go to the website and you can see where it is.

I'm hoping when they do one in Pennsylvania, I'm going to try to make the trip to go see it.

I've seen Kevin.

I saw Kevin Smith once.

I went in Orlando.

The local film school had him come in for a night with Kevin Smith, and he ended up doing, like, he did eight, nine hours, I think, man.

Like he said, he basically came in, right, and he said, hey, what's up?

Yeah, you know, thanks for having me here.

And he's like, basically, you know, what I do is, you know, you form a line here and you form a line there and ask me a question.

I answer until I get tired.

Go for it.

he had like three bottles of water and was was there for like eight yeah eight nine it was it

was eight hours and we left and he was still going you know what i mean it was really it was before

the podcast and this was like back in 2000 when i say 2007 maybe yeah it was before he was doing

podcasts here and selling those it was really cool it was actually really insightful it was

was around the time he had that falling out with jay muse so he was telling us the stories about

jay like he said he got a i guess jay muse stole his credit card or his debit card and cleaned out

the account so he told jay that i'll drop the charges but you have to go to rehab that's why

he was back on the on the he was back on the horse on the chasing the dragon so they put him

down as a contact i guess at some point jay like escaped without his shoes in the middle of the

the desert something like that and they called him and they called kevin smith and like yeah

we got bad news he you know jason muses escaped but don't worry he doesn't have his shoes so we're

sure he'll come right back because he's in the desert and yeah yeah he's been sober he's been

sober for like two years he did a uh see you later milkman holy shit yeah i was about to say

he did one a uh ask me anything on reddit and he's been sober for like two years now

That's what I hear.

Well, he's got that show, too.

He's got the one where, what is it?

Jay and Silent Bob get old, and they always touch up on his sobriety.

Good for him.

Anyway, from what I understand, the animated movie, it's his project.

It's his first big project since he came up with it.

Jay or Silent Bob?

Jay's.

It's Jay Mewes' own project.

He came up with it.

He's running with it.

So it's his big return from his celebration of sobriety kind of thing, I guess.

I don't know.

now i haven't seen it so i couldn't tell you all right all right let's do prank calls let's

continue here i really think i'm going to end the show pretty soon though because i'm kind of

feeling it now getting tired okay who's on the line with you there man uh baz uh ken and zyklon

hey milkman hey milkman how's it going what's happening guys we got this guy calling back

someone's calling back i can't find him where is this shit no just ignore it let him leave

of a voicemail. If it's funny, I'll play it.

License revoked or

suspended. I will come to your home or

office, pick you up in the vehicle, and drive

you and your guest for the evening

and bring you and your vehicle back home

safe at the end of the evening.

So he'll drive you around in your car.

Okay, very nice. You should get him to drive

you around to go pick up some hookers.

There he goes. In St. Louis, I gotta

pick up some weed and hookers.

Some crack.

I got an idea.

Let me start this off.

Watch this, Milkman.

Watch this, man.

This one I'm dedicating to our good friend, Milkman.

Hello?

Can I help you?

Yeah, you offer rides for people who have DUIs, suspended licenses?

Uh-huh.

All right, so that's great.

What kind of notice can you do something tonight, or do you have to wait until tomorrow?

No, I've got to wait until tomorrow.

What time are you needing a pickup?

Well, I'm going to be picking up some stuff around 8 p.m.

I can do it earlier, though, I mean, if I have to.

Yeah, but preferably at nighttime, I need a ride over to the gas station, all right?

Yeah, this is back and forth from a job.

This is like back and forth.

I don't just pick people up and take them places.

But it says here that you take your around town and all this stuff.

That's what it says on your ad.

I go to the public bathroom, and I meet men there.

You know, I sit on the stall, and I tap my feet, and, you know, we get together, and then we go in the car, and we drive back to my place, and we have relations.

I see their sexual organs.

Oh, he's gone.

You lost him right away when you said that.

I wasn't paying attention.

You said, I pick up Matt, and then click, he was gone.

He ain't going to answer a second time.

Zyklon, change your avatar picture.

This is a weird dog.

It's a cat, not a dog.

It looks like a fucking miniature dog.

It's a gray cat.

It looks like a brown fucking pug or cocker spaniel or something.

I know.

The lighting's crap.

I have some better pictures.

It just looks like a bunch of fur.

It just looks like a big blob of fur.

Literally, he's curled up.

You can't see his face.

Get a better picture of the cat.

What's going on, man?

Come on.

You got something better than that.

I know.

Seriously, don't be shy.

Don't be shy.

Anyway, we'll do another call

Diaper cake

The fuck is a diaper cake?

Hang on

Diaper what?

Diaper cake

It's a cake made out of diapers

These cakes are made with usable baby diapers

Along with accessories

Like stockings, bibs, receiving blankets

Pacifiers, bottles

I guess it's like for a baby shower

Ask if they can make you one with a used diaper

And some dirty panties

i also have pre-made multi-tier cakes so so the the the cake is like it's made out of

like baby shower gifts i guess that's weird holy shit there's pictures and everything dude

it doesn't look like a cake it looks like a bunch of shit here let me give you guys the links in

skype so you can see what i'm talking about i was about to say let me put it in the uh chat room

but the fucking chat room is gone the irc and the tiny chats on the other computer i can't i don't

have time to be going back and forth i'll send it i put in the wrong one whoops i sent it back

to dark stranger here we go oh carlito yes have you played uh as the romulans yet in star trek

online no i saw that came out i heard good things about it but no i have not i have not i just

just downloaded marvel heroes online haven't tried it yet though free to play well it looks

look like it might suck though i heard there's like 20 there's 20 there's 20 people around each

other that look like spider-man and shit that's what i heard someone was telling me no you can

you can play as you know canonical heroes you're gonna have like 50 million wolverines running

around yeah i just want the juggernaut oh it's the juggernaut bitch this is the cake can you be

you hello hi how are you you have those cakes yes we do i don't understand how you take a dirty

diaper and you put a cake out of it you make a cake out of it where the baby took a crap poop

how does that happen how do you do that how do i do that did you see my pictures it doesn't those

aren't cakes though those are like origami stuff it's like you put these uh where's the cake the

cake the diaper cake means i can create something from diapers meaning beds bicycles whatever

Well, that's not a cake.

A cake is something you eat.

You don't go around, oh, look, this is a...

Don't you say it like a doll?

No, big deal.

A gift?

You called up to complain about that.

It is a diaper cake.

It's stupid.

If you were a woman, you would know exactly what a diaper cake is.

You're stupid.

It doesn't necessarily have to be a cake.

You're so retarded.

You're an idiot.

There's no way you can connotate cake with what you're making.

You're fucking dumb.

God, stupid.

I mean, come on.

can we call her back yeah i i want to try something with that chick

holy shit big fat hawaiian woman all upset now how would i know if i'm a woman dark stranger

you're the one that sent me that link you're a woman what about that screams cake at you

looks like a bunch of shit fucker she puts she puts like a little baby towel and a diaper

and like some flowers and she wraps she ties them all up with ribbon and so it looks like a car or

a pig or a or a train and she's like oh yeah it's a diaper cake what the fuck you mean diaper cake

i know there's only one that kind of looks like a cake and that's that last picture

what the hell she's talking about she's crazy yeah that last one's the only one it just looks

like a big stuffed it looks like a stuffed animal thing that's all rolled up to make

in a cake form i could make how did a cake how hard can that be to make something like that

That's retarded.

I thought she was going to, like, bake a cake and then frost it with a baby shit or something.

God, my four-year-old autistic nephew could make that with Legos.

It'd be awesome.

It'd be awesome as fuck.

That kid can put some shit together.

Dude, Lego cake would be awesome.

Lego cake would be awesome.

Well, think of it this way, though.

It's a cake, but you make it out of, like, cake material, but you make it look like it's Lego.

Oh, yeah.

Or Minecraft, right?

Minecraft.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Minecraft.

Minecraft cake.

so uh actually i saw into darkness the other day and honestly i thought it was really good

how do you how do you think it compared to a wrath of khan uh not as good as wrath well

different than wrath of khan uh not as good as wrath of khan as a whole i would put it out there

as one of the better star treks i will put it in the good star trek movies are you know wrath of

khan uh the voyage home whereas everyone says the one with the wealth uh uh the what was the

The Borg one, not Insurrection Sucker.

First Contact.

First Contact was good.

Generations was okay.

And that's it.

Well, yeah, the sixth one was good, too.

The last one.

The Undiscovered Country.

That's my personal favorite Star Trek movie, Undiscovered Country.

For some reason, I always liked that the most.

I thought it came together really well.

Not necessarily that it was the best one out of all of them,

but that was my favorite one to watch.

It was good, yeah.

I saw Superman.

man i thought superman was fucking awesome man that was good yeah who plays superman henry cavill

jesus jesus from uh uh the passion of the christ that guy oh okay oh oh jim caviezel oh that was

did i say henry cavill jim caviezel whoever jim caviezel was uh the jesus what am i wrong then i

got the wrong guy then who plays superman henry cavill all right isn't it yeah i think you're

right all right so now that's not jesus stupid what else has he been in then i don't know i don't

know i was gonna see it today but we didn't get a chance to yeah it's really good yeah zack snyder

directed it he did pretty good i think it was really good uh yeah i spent like the last half

of the whole movie was just non-stop fucking epic battling crazy shit i'm

uh really looking

forward to the wolverine next month that looks pretty badass i don't know i don't know is it

it Hugh Jackman Wolverine or is it somebody else yeah that's a prequel that's a prequel it is yeah

cool good for him okay look uh I'm gonna do one or two more calls and we're gonna call it a night

we already did that pig removal there let's see what lonesome has here yeah UK numbers uh let me

see see if lonesome got Hong Kong the Kuwait embassy in Hong Kong oh shit all right here's

Let me do this one then, the Kuwaiti embassy, the consulate for China machine.

Okay, can I take the next one? I've got a complaint.

Okay.

No, you take this one.

Okay, Malaka.

Bye, Jude.

Hey, you fucking conduit.

Hey, consulate, good afternoon.

Oh, hey, how are you? Is this the Hong Kong embassy for the Kuwaiti machine?

Yes, this is the Kuwait, yes, consulate in Hong Kong. Can I help you?

Yes, I need to speak to someone of Kuwaiti descent. I have an important question.

I'm sorry, you are, are you Kuwaiti?

Yes.

Okay, your call from where? I'm sorry, you're from?

I'm from the helicopter. I'm in my helicopter airport.

I'm going to go in the helicopter.

Helicopter. Okay, can I have your name, please, sir?

My name is Cross.

Cross?

Yes.

So, what purpose do you want to talk to our diplomat?

Yes, please, hurry.

Huh?

Hurry, please.

Can you speak in, okay, you can speak in Arabic, right?

Arabic, yes.

You are, okay, you said you are Kuwaiti.

Yes.

Okay, just a moment, please.

As-salamu alaykum.

He sounds pretty sassy.

All right, guys, shut up.

Hello.

Salam.

Yes, I have important news about the emir.

The emir of Kuwait is a homosexual.

He pulled his pants down and showed the men his penis.

Who's speaking?

I am Kross.

What do you need?

I saw a video of the emir of Kuwait, and he pulled his pants and underwear down,

and he showed all these men, and he said,

Look at my penis, look at my penis, and he was waving it around, his uncircumcised penis.

That was the emir.

The emir of Kuwait did that.

And he said, I love to suck the tongues of young boys.

And he said, give me a young boy.

Right now, I'll kiss the boy, he said.

A young boy, he said.

Yep.

I just wanted to...

What do you...

Huh?

Sorry?

And then I drew a picture of Muhammad, the Prophet Muhammad.

I drew a picture of the Prophet Muhammad.

Okay.

And I put it in the bathroom.

You're crazy or what?

I said, aha, ha, Muhammad is in the bathroom.

I draw a picture of Prophet Muhammad on the toilet.

that's that's that's a good that seems to be a good thing to roll with

all right here we go here's the uh baz you've got the estonian embassy the oh what the kuwaiti

embassy high commission in this estonia good luck good luck good sir okay hello hello good morning

Good morning.

Is this the embassy?

Yes, the embassy of Kuwait, but you're a little bit early.

We open in two and a half hours.

Oh, in two and a half hours.

Who am I speaking to?

Yeah, nine o'clock in German time.

Okay.

Yes, I wanted to lodge a complaint.

Hello?

Yeah, hello.

Hello.

Yeah, sir, I can't help you really.

Yeah, Cross, my line's breaking up.

Can you take this?

Yes, I'm calling about the emir, Jabir al-Ahmad al-Jabir al-Sabah.

Hello.

That's his name.

name asshole that's his fucking name yeah i was having trouble hearing i don't know i was i wasn't

having any trouble at all i heard everything perfect try them again let me try this that's

his name the emir is jabber all what is it jabber all ahmed do you know who i'm talking about

i'm sorry a little bit early we open in two and a half hours nobody's here are you a german stupid

stupid german asshole shit yeah yeah wasn't there an embassy in greece that i called and the guy was

greek and i asked him who was malaka and he yelled at me he said shit on you that's what he said he

said shit on you that's awesome yeah i remember that yeah oh here's japan this is the last one

who wants the last one i don't want it anyone yeah i just don't feel it tonight dude dude i'll

I'll do it then.

Yeah.

Just sit down, guys, and shut up.

All right.

I'll do it.

Thank you for calling Kuwait Embassy in Tokyo.

If you know the extension number, please dial it now.

Or if you need assistance, please dial 42 or 41.

This is Kuwait Embassy.

If you know the internal number, please press the number.

If you don't know the number, please press the number.

Give it a second.

Kuwait Embassy.

This is Kuwait Embassy.

Hello.

Hello, how are you, sexy little girl?

Hello?

How are you, sexy little thing?

Are you a Japanese?

Yes.

You stupid.

I need to speak to someone in Kuwait.

A Kuwaiti asshole.

Can I have your name, please, sir?

This is Mr. Cross.

Mr. Cross?

Yes.

Okay, you calling from some association or some embassy?

I am calling with important information for the Kuwaitis, the Kuwaiti people.

Okay.

I'm from the Association of Men.

Association of Men?

Yes.

Okay.

Do you have any exact name?

My name is Cross, I say.

No, the name of the association that you said.

It's called the Association of Men.

Kobe Association of Men.

Yes.

Okay.

And who would you like to talk to?

I would like to speak to the highest ranking Kuwaiti.

All right.

And what kind of topics would you like to talk about?

This is private business.

I don't speak to Japanese women about it.

It's not for Japanese people to be hearing.

Okay, but unfortunately now all the diplomats in the meeting.

Go, you can interrupt the meeting.

It's important.

Interrupt the meeting.

Hurry.

I work in an office, and I get pulled out of meetings all the time.

Go over there and say, this is an emergency.

We have important information.

God damn it.

Like that.

You say, God damn it.

Go.

Okay, I understand.

understand so could you send us some email no no no phone phone i don't have email or either the

fax i'll send a horse sorry sir i'll send a horse over there okay and the horse will take a big

it'll take a defecation inside i just need a request to buy the email or faxing could i put

the horse i want to put the horse inside the embassy all right and i'll give you some email

address do you know what it is when a horse defecates you know what that means can i give

Did I give you the email address?

No.

The box number?

No, no.

Or is there any designated diplomat that you would like to talk to?

Horse.

Sorry, we don't have horse.

Do you have Mr. Horse?

Sorry.

Do you have Mr. Homosexual?

Sir?

Mr. Homosexual.

I need the appropriate assumption from you.

With respect, I would like to connect the call.

Put it through the Mr. Stupid Asshole.

Sorry.

Yeah, that's the name, Stupid Asshole.

Sorry, sir.

We don't have it.

Oh.

Mr. Aliyah?

No.

Mr. Fu?

Mr. Fu, everybody.

Mr. Fu!

Okay, I'm leaving.

Bye, guys.

I hate you, Baz.

See you later.

Hey, thanks, man.

We'll see you.

We missed you.

I like you, buddy.

You're an all right guy.

I like you better than that other guy.

Okay.

See you later.

We missed you.

Yeah, sure you did.

Okay, bye.

Yeah, bye, bye, bye.

You missed me.

If you missed me,

Ken, if you missed me, you know what you should have done.

You should have gotten on the phone and called me and said,

what's wrong, Carlito?

What happened?

I didn't get any phone calls, any letters from any of you people.

No one cared.

Yeah, you stopped giving me your phone number.

I probably kept making those late night calls.

Motherfucker.

All right, bye, Ken.

See you later.

Go have fun.

Go have fun with your son wrestling in little tights.

Milkman, are you here?

Come on, buddy.

Come on, Milkman.

Milkman.

Hey, man.

man hey what's up man hey man kick us out of here damn it i'm done

oh

i ain't no motherfucker man

We want to thank you guys for tuning in.

Especially on the long-term, real-time numbers.

It's Matt.

Thank you so much, brother.

Thank you so much, Mr. Stranger, for sending numbers.

And thanks to all our friends for stopping by there in that house.

Well, there's no chat, but that's all right.

Tiny chat.

And everybody else that stopped by and called in tonight, thank you so much.

I want to thank all our friends out there and listeners.

That's right.

We do it every week.

I'm looking at it to make sure you can find it right here on the internet.

Read the time, and you just ask for that.

You go off the time, and then what the hell, man?

Bring a friend, very good.

Bring an enemy, right?

You're all welcome here.

Thank you so much for tuning in.

Have a good day, man.

Yeah, don't be stupid, everybody.

All right, well, thank you, everyone, for whatever Milkman said.

Thanks to everyone who sent in their numbers, including DarkStrange.

Who the fuck cares?

I love you all, guys.

Fuck it, right, Milkman?

Fuck it.

All right, man.

I love it.

I do have a voicemail, man.

All right, we're done.

I'm done. Bye, guys. See you later. Bye.

Shut up.

Calls (22, 55 min of 1 h 41 min)

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