There’s More Jobs in the Paper

That has nothing to do with you and is none of your business.

Yeah, thanks for the language there, buddy.

I have nothing for that, sir.

All right.

I hear you, man.

All right, well, good luck with that, man.

Hey, you have yourself a blessed day.

God bless you, all right?

Take care, then.

All right, bye.

I'm not playing no fucking games, man.

I fucked you, son of a bitch.

Stop making a stupid comment.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

You're not perfect.

What are you, piss off?

you're listening to the madhouse radio prank cast music yeah rap music i forgot to turn on the video

whoops so stupid give me a second you want to see video who cares but it's good to have it

on the youtube hey everybody i'm carlito yeah man anyway this is uh the madhouse radio show for

tuesday july the 16th uh what time is it it's almost 12 noon here in the east coast nine o'clock

a.m approaching pacific standard time on the west coast so it's earlier than we normally do our show

and uh you can send a request to me if you head over to madhouse live.com and uh you can also join

our chat room and send those to me their chat rooms over at uh madhouse live.com as is our

request a prank thing that i was just saying you can send a prank request right there madhouse

hype.com and that'll come to me here and i will do my best to perform that for you good little

monkey all right well i got a copy of the sunday paper here you know sunday paper is good got a

copy of that we can use that like we did last week last week i went to the classified section

in the sunday paper and uh called some of the employment now we can also call today of course

There's things for sale in here, I believe.

I think that's how this newspaper thing works.

It's like Craigslist for paper.

Hasn't it become that at this point?

I believe so.

Actually, yeah, there's quite a bit of fun numbers here.

Things for sale, including little puppies, little baby puppies.

Yellow lab puppies.

All right.

Yeah, the video's working.

Look at my sexy hair.

I put mousse in it.

No, it's wet because I was cleaning the bathroom toilet machine.

let me put the camera down a bit fix that up i was fixing the bathroom toilet you know i was

cleaning the grout cleaning the walls of the shower and i got to turn on the shower you know

to it's that's the easiest way to rinse it after you wash it right and i got my hair wet it feels

good man because it's in the high 90s and it was actually better when i was in florida because the

houses over there in florida they're fucking built uh to keep cold air in right the winters

don't get that cold summers are oppressive there it's this temperature all year but if you're

inside the house all the builders down there they build the houses in a in in the manner that it

keeps cold air and hot air out as best as possible not not so here in pennsylvania so when it the

the few days that it is hot as balls up here now that i've moved up here after spending the first

first 31 years of my life in central florida what i've noticed is yeah it's it keeps things nice and

toasty easier in the winter you know the cold air doesn't permeate in as much but man the ac unit

here turns on around six o'clock in the morning and it won't shut off until 6 p.m today it did

the same thing yesterday i've got a nice um thermostat i can keep track of the usage and

amount of hours it's been on when it turns on when it turns off it all comes to an app on my

ipad it's really dope i got it all hooked up connected it's pretty cool i put it in myself

as a weekend project and i did pretty good especially i was being really careful because

i'm in an apartment not a house i rent this place so i'm gonna have to swap it back out when i'm

done and i didn't want to make any have to make a hole bigger you know this thermostat is actually

smaller so i had to add a piece of wood in there to kind of mount it on and it and the actual thing

overlaps there's a blank space uh since this thermostat i put in is smaller than the one that

came with apartment there's like this blank space there so it looks kind of ghetto but it works good

as hell anyway yeah it went for 12 hours straight it fucking sucks that's why i hate living in

apartment i want to get a house soon you know because fucking right now that i wouldn't have

i would first of all have my own nice fucking um thermostat you know not have to worry about

about shit like that the other thing is i can't just go in and start changing filters and shit

because it's they're they're the ones that change the filters why the fuck but they only change them

like twice a year that's bullshit you gotta change your filters once a month not bullshit i worked

for i was a dispatcher a repair dispatcher uh for an ac company in florida one for like six months

i didn't like the job it was a horrible fucking job the people that worked there were annoying

like quit but anyway um you know they'll tell you you got to change to keep your ac unit running

efficiently you got to change the filters out once a month first of all so you're not getting

dust and shit when you're breathing and second of all so it blows colder longer and it doesn't

freeze up on you and shit you spend less it's more economical you spend less money but it's

bullshit because i you know if my apartment complex only puts in these shitty filters

and they only do it like twice a year once in the when the spring hits and once when the fall hits

that's when they do it they do it they do them all at once but the bullshit is that i have to

pay more money electricity because it runs less efficient that's not fair i'm gonna just i don't

know uh whatever don't listen to me look guys i'm being stupid here here's the fucking number that

i was talking about baby yellow labrador retriever machines where did that fucker go lab puppies it

It said yellow lab puppies.

Let's go to, how does this work?

Is this, yeah, it's in alphabetical order.

So yellow lab puppy machines.

Okay.

These are, let's see, hang on.

40, what, how many weeks old?

10 weeks old.

Ready to go.

$225 or best off.

What happened to just getting a dog for free?

Jesus Christ.

I guess you need the penny saver for that.

That's the poor man's classified.

The penny saver.

Shit, come on.

we can't take your call right now but if you leave your name and your stupid fucking puppies

fuck those puppies fuck them up the ass here's the next one we got west highland terrier puppies

for that ass i want a dog i want a dog you know i really need a dog i'm sure my cats are excited

davi the cat my buddy he's sitting back here behind me so he's probably like fuck you traitor

you uncle tom you're selling out now you want a dog after you've had cats for so long

Well, Dobby, you're going to be dying soon, and I'm going to get a dog.

I'm going to get one of those.

What's that great, stupid dog?

Wee Mariner?

Those dogs are awesome.

Very smart.

I want a German Shepherd, a smart dog.

I'm going to name a female German Shepherd named Blondie.

Hitler's dog was a female German Shepherd named Blondie.

And I think it would be funny to have them do the same thing.

Hi, you've reached out to Dr. Chalon.

Can you imagine?

I don't think anyone would really notice.

Maybe some Jews.

Maybe a Jewish person.

We'll be like, oh, my God, that guy's so sick.

You hear him calling his dog?

His name is Blondie and it's a German shepherd.

Sir, how do you spell that?

B-L-O-N-D-I.

Hitler's dog, everybody.

Did Hitler's, you know, they say all dogs go to heaven.

Does that include Hitler's dog?

Did Hitler's dog, was Hitler's dog anti-Semitic, just like his father?

We don't know these things.

There should be a documentary.

I've been watching a lot of Hitler documentaries.

I don't know.

It's not that I'm into Hitler.

it's just that i i in my netflix netflix queue it recommended uh hellboy so i watched hellboy

i was like wow that was cool let me let me see you know what else there is to watch and based

on me liking hellboy uh i had never seen it before based on me watching that it uh suggested

these hitler like hitler's children documentary something about hitler having children like shit

hit hitler had children like you know what are they called are they called adolf there's a whole

bunch on the third reich hitler's hitler's doctor there's a documentary by hitler's doctor i watched

that they talked about hitler and he was sick he had the shit so i had to take a shit all the time

apparently hitler did he had that colitis that colon colonitis yeah anyway we gotta find the

probably here's the problem motherfucker is that it's tuesday now i i wanted to do a show yesterday

i got the newspaper on sunday and i had i was gonna do it yesterday but i was so i don't know

why i was so tired i sat here and i i sat here where i am right now and i said i'm gonna do the

show this afternoon but i'm gonna sit here and take a nap for like an hour you know i put some

music on i was gonna take it out for an hour and i woke up five hours later uh it was like 1 p.m

at that point i guess and i said yeah fuck it i just went to sleep because for me to wake up and

get in a pranking mood i can't just wake up and get in a pranking mood you know i can't take a

nap i can't do that i can't take a nap before the show it sounds like a good idea every time

to wake up i mean to take a nap and then wake up and do the show but i am opposite i don't get

energized i'm very slow to fucking wake up dude so i just end up like fuck it more sleep and i

i suck my thumb uh here's pizza sub makers needed experienced they're 25 minutes from downtown and

they've got competitive wages this here is for people who can make the pizzas and the subs

all right let's give them a call motherfucker let's get excited come on guys come on yeah

get excited in the chat room oh god no one's gonna answer uh you reach travis bill's director

Director of K-12 Food Service for the cost of ESG.

I'm unable to take your call right now, but leave your name, number.

Fuck you.

I'm going to call you back.

I hope it's your cell phone.

I'm going to be a dickhead.

This guy's like, this fucker's calling me twice in a row.

I ain't not give him job.

I ain't not give you job.

You called two times in a row.

Who do you think you are?

Well, sir, I'm sorry.

I forgot to leave the voicemail the first time.

I got disconnected, so I called back.

Right?

You know what I mean?

Like, if I was seriously looking for a job from this dude,

dude, I'd be scared to call him twice in a row

knowing that it's going to show up in his ID like,

damn, man, don't call him.

Hi, this is Travis Billings,

director of K-12 Food Service for the cost of ESG.

Dave, I'll take your call right now,

but leave your name, number.

I'll get back in touch with you as soon as possible.

Thanks, bye.

Patone, please record your message.

When you have finished recording,

you may hang up or press 1 for more options.

To leave a callback number, press 5.

To send a fax, press 4 now.

Hello, sir, my name is Eddie.

And I was calling because I saw you had in the classified section

this thing about pizza machines and subs.

You need experienced pizza machine and sub makers.

I was the number two at a pizza place for 12 years

before it went out of business because of local dominoes.

And, you know, I was good.

I used to make submarine sandwich with the bread and everything,

thing cheese steak sandwich french fries i used to make pasta dishes all types of pizza i invented

the steak cheese steak pizza i'm the person the first person that made it and i also invented the

pina uh the pina colada that comes in a beer mug i invented that and i also came up with the baked

potato inside the foil i'm the first place to do that and also the jaeger colada i invented that

at a bar also i'm very talented very good very good i don't want you to think i'm stupid or

something because i if you look on your phone i'm sure it's a cell phone it's gonna say i call

twice in a row i know that seems you know like an asshole thing to do i'm sorry the first time i

got nervous and scared and i hung up the phone i was like oh i i should have left voicemail what

do i do you know so i had a call again to leave voicemail um i wasn't trying to be forward you

you know, or anything like that.

So please don't write that down in your little book there about Eddie

who called in to get a job.

And I just wanted to say that God bless you also.

God bless you, and God bless pizzas and subs,

and God bless us in this economy.

Okay, talk to you later.

Bye.

To enter an alternative callback number, press 2.

Thank you.

Your message has been sent.

Goodbye.

Bye.

All right.

I drank this here, NOS Zero Energy Drink.

NOS.

This is the stuff they put in cars to make them have nitro.

This is the same thing.

I was drinking the same thing.

And it tasted great when I was drinking it, but now it's got like a bad aftertaste.

All right.

Let's see if we can get someone to answer the phone or this is going to be a pretty short show.

All right.

Here's a call for cleaners in evenings full time.

Must have clean background

Must have transportation

Call Adam

It's probably for cleaning the banks

Do you know a bank?

I'm going to have to say I have a Spanish name

So they take me seriously

Because that's who does cleaning

Spanish people

I'll be Raphael

This ain't a service

It's about job inquiries

For evening full-time cleaners

Please visit if.com

And search jobs for more details

On July

And from

You asshole

To send your message

Press 1 at any time

To listen to your message, press 2.

To re-record, you asshole.

To send your message, press 1 at any time.

Thank you for calling.

Sometimes I mess with some people, never on the show, but on my own time.

If they've got a voicemail that gives you the option to start recording from where you left off,

I'll do it, but I'll say a bunch of things really fast.

and if you replay it when you hear it it's me going at the end of the message and it's really

scary and weird it sounds like i'm possessed uh i think i've done that already a few times

i'll show you what i mean if i get a voicemail like that today the next time i do if i ever do

on the show i'll try to do it you'll see what i mean it's a hoot oh all right here we're still

still waiting for someone to answer huh yeah but having tons of fun leaving voicemails okay here's

a collections position damn it let's give them a call i think i'm gonna talk to them last week i'm

not sure let's see collection machine i think this is that attorney's place that i talked i got last

week's paper here let me see you have reached the office of amy i am currently out of the office

we're on another call please leave a message and i will return your call as soon as possible

Should your call require immediate attention, please dial zero for the attendance.

Thank you.

Please hold for.

Yeah, this is the place I called last week.

Awesome.

Great.

Now I got last week's newspaper mixed with this week's now, honey.

Oh, man.

What am I going to do?

Hello?

Yeah, I got last.

You hear me?

Hello?

Hello.

Hey, how are you?

I'm good.

How are you?

I got last week's paper mixed up with this week's.

Now I don't know which one is which.

What's the date?

I'm not sure what you're talking about.

What's the date?

The date for?

Today.

What's today's date?

Yeah, don't you know the date?

Aren't you in an office?

It's the 16th of July.

Hang on.

16th, and what was Sunday then?

15, let's see, today's Tuesday, right?

Or Thursday.

It was the 14th.

Are you looking on the calendar, or are you just counting back?

I looked at the calendar.

Oh, okay, so you're pretty sure.

Does it say 2013 on it?

No.

It's not a 2013 calendar?

Oh, then it might not be.

No, I mean, it's a 20...

Yes, it's 2013.

It's 2013.

All right, let me see here, this one.

Okay.

Sunday, July 14th, 2013.

That was two days ago, right?

Right.

Okay, cool.

Yeah.

So, I'm supposed to talk to Amy Smell.

Amy Smell.

Okay, and your name?

Yeah, my name is Eddie.

How are you?

What's your name?

My name is Shelby.

I look forward to working with you, Shelby.

lb are you interviewing here uh-huh yeah yeah do you like chipotle um have you ever been yeah

maybe maybe my first day maybe you can take me out to chipotle we can hang out and talk

maybe you need to speak to amy yeah yeah but i'm trying to you know maybe we can hang out

when i you know are you going to be on the same floor with me flirting already let me help you

hey is this amy yes it is hey amy how you doing i'm good how are you i'm good i'm good

Good. Hey, you still have these jobs that I'm looking at in the paper?

Look, I'm looking here. I don't have a calendar in front of me.

Is today the 14th?

No.

What day is it?

I believe I heard from you before. Is there a reason you keep calling here?

I need a job. I'm supposed to prove that I'm looking.

I apply for at least two jobs a week for unemployment.

If I recall correctly, the last time I spoke to you, it was very unprofessional.

I don't think I've spoken to you, ma'am.

I'm pretty sure you did.

I have your telephone number.

I have collections experience, though.

I don't know.

Do you have my telephone number?

Yeah, from the last time you called?

You sure it was me?

I'm absolutely positive, sir.

Was the person that called Larry David?

That might have been Larry.

He's my roommate.

I'm not sure.

No, I recognize your voice.

Oh, really?

I do.

How did it go?

How was my interview?

Did I do good?

You didn't have an interview.

Well, we talked on the phone.

Yeah. Look, I really don't have time for your shenanigans.

Look, I'm sorry. Look, really, I do need to put down here that I've got some kind of proof.

Well, don't use this one. I can tell you that right now.

Well, I've already forwarded your name, Amy.

And this isn't even considered an interview.

Well, I just had to prove that I applied or inquired about at least two jobs a week for unemployment.

Pick another place out of the paper. That's funny.

I got your name, Amy Smell, and I got your number here.

No, that's not my name.

Oh, what was your name?

That's not my name.

Was it Honey Baby?

You know?

Oh, shit.

She remembered me.

That's awesome.

Because I don't remember.

I remember talking to her.

I don't remember how our conversation went.

I think that was the first one last week, too.

Because it was on the first page.

That's why.

Shit.

I'll call her next week, too.

It's funny.

I made a big deal about the fucking date.

What's the date today?

day fucking date fuck the date all right here's well we got a job ad here for a choir director

at a church an adult hamburger handbell choir director part-time now they didn't leave a phone

number but i do have the website of the church so maybe they have their phone number there because

i have a good i think it'd be funner to call and if i could sneak in like if i say god damn it a

few times even though it's a church we'll see how that goes i'm gonna say god damn it i mean you

know i got i got problems with my god damn neighbors stuff like that let's look for contact

us here on this website i don't see contact connect with us and that's a link to a podcast

here we go here we go i got their number here all right let's see if i can inquire on this job and

and say God damn it a few times.

They've got a nice website.

It's very nice for a church, and they've got young people on the front,

nice, active, healthy-looking.

They look like they run marathons, you know?

They look like they have a nice pair of New Balances on.

United Methodist, this is Sandy.

Hey, how are you, honey?

How's it going?

God bless you.

Who is this?

Oh, this is Eddie.

God bless you.

May I help you, Eddie?

You don't want to say God bless you to me?

Well, God bless you.

May I help you?

Oh, I thought this is a religious place.

Yes, it is.

And you don't say God bless you back?

May I help you?

Yeah, I was calling back.

I forgot who it was, but they left me a message because I had already applied for the choir director position.

I inquired about that, and I had spoken to someone on the phone, but I didn't get their name.

Okay, I don't know who that would have been.

It's for the adult handbill choir director position.

Okay.

It's a part-time position there.

Okay.

Honey, baby, you know?

So do you know who it was?

I would have no idea who you talked to.

Well, wouldn't it be someone there from the parish?

Well, multiple people may be answering the phone, but it was probably Sue.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

You have an idea.

Now you have an idea.

Okay, so what can I help you with?

Well, I'm trying to talk to her, damn it.

God damn it, you know?

I don't appreciate your language.

Well, I said God bless you.

You didn't want to say it back to me.

So what is that?

what a bitch was that seriously a church god damn a bunch of assholes that's white people church

rich people church you gotta make at least 180,000 a year to be in that church

united methodist may i help you yes i need to speak with amy please with who amy there's nobody

here named amy oh sue sue i'm sorry sue amy's my wife i'm having problems with her got my goddamn

damn why hello uh sue's not available right now what is she doing she in the toilet yeah yeah

being nasty and crude all right let's play a little music here while i regather my thoughts

and think of what else i can do seriously you gotta be rich to go to that church don't bother

calling us and bothering us we're busy we're busy on christiansmingle.com all right i'm just

marking it with a 2, so I know

I called her twice. Alright, here's

a custodial hospital

housekeeping. Prefer recent work

experience. Great pay and benefits.

Oh, dude.

I call a church and talk about the lady being

on the toilet. What's wrong with me, man?

God damn. This is not a supported

extension. Attendant! To transfer to an

extension, dial that extension number.

Dialed. 5-1. If this

is correct, push enter or pound.

If this is not, you cannot be transferred

to extension 251 at this time fucker sorry that ain't gonna go down good afternoon

yes hello how are you fine

thank you good good yes uh my name is eddie and i am interested in the job position that you have

in the newspaper eddie don't you have anything else better to do no i've i'm looking for a job

and i've never okay there's other jobs in the newspaper i've already spoken to you can you just

put in a good word for me please no i will not don't you i've never had somebody in my life

and my many years here i don't get it and it's no wonder you probably can't find a job it's been

nine months and that now i have to okay well maybe that should tell you something that when

When you call a place inquiring about a position, you're probably not going about it the right way.

Well, I had appendicitis nine months ago, and I went through this downward spiral.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that, but when I spoke to you last week, we would have never considered you for this position due to the way that you talked to me.

I've turned and you leave.

Please, I'm sorry.

Just help me.

There are many jobs in the paper.

Call another one.

We're not interested.

Will you at least, can we at least leave on friendly terms, you know?

No.

Not at all?

I am very busy, and I have a job to do.

I do, too.

Could you please stop calling here?

Okay.

Are you local?

Yeah.

Do you like Chipotle?

Have you ever been to Chipotle on 22 next to the Five Guys?

Do you want to go there?

No, sir.

I'll buy you a burrito bowl.

Are you a big girl, or do you have to leave late?

No, I'm actually tiny.

Oh, God.

Thank you very much.

That's so hot.

And I do recall you calling me a big girl the last time I spoke to you.

Well, how much do you weigh?

You're a very disrespectful man.

Just tell me.

How much do you weigh?

It's none of your business.

All right.

200.

Do you not have anything else better to do?

What size are you?

Do you not?

That has nothing to do with you and is none of your business.

Well, you're saying you're not a big girl.

I don't know.

You sound kind of big.

And if you don't want to tell me.

Oh, do I?

If you don't want to tell me.

Listen, Eddie.

Hey.

Please stop calling our office.

I'll stop calling.

I just want to say I'm sorry.

I have your telephone number.

No, don't do that.

And I will report you to the authority if you call here again.

Please don't. I'll get in trouble.

Thank you.

I'll get in trouble.

Wow.

I think I can turn her around.

I think I can actually get her to go out with me for drinks.

I'm going to work on that girl once a week.

Watch.

You're going to see.

She's going to be my next mistress, that chick.

I'm going to meet her at Chipotle, and then we're going to go next door for a beer at the Japanese sushi place that me and Sloth hang out at sometimes.

It's going to be awesome.

Maybe I'll invite Sloth.

Maybe I can hook Sloth up with her, right?

What do you guys think?

We should do that.

Sloth is working today.

He can't hear this.

I'm going to tell her about my friend Sloth and give her the address.

I'm going to give her Sloth's address.

Coming up next.

No, seriously, I don't want to bother her.

She's got a sense of humor, but it's wearing thin.

I can tell she kind of sees a little bit of humor in it,

but she's still flabbergasted that someone would call about a job opening

and be so cruel and mean and crass with her.

okay caregiver wanted to assist in attending to a 90 year old woman for four hours a day three

days a week position pays ten dollars an hour please call to discuss okay we are calling to

discuss everyone oh i just pinched myself with my microphone springs and i lost skype here we go

we finally got some people answering at least that's good hey amy smell i am so gonna get drunk

and go there one afternoon for lunch.

Oh, maybe I'm going to take her to that new Wings place.

That's what I'll do.

Hello?

Hey, how are you?

I see you've got an ad here for a caregiver.

We do, but we're interviewing somebody right now.

Would you be able to call later?

Oh, okay.

Who's there?

Is it a trustworthy person?

Yes, yes.

Okay.

I'm going to call you, but how long do you need?

Oh, I'll give it about at least two hours.

Okay.

All right, because I'm good.

I cleaned the toilets and had the shit out of the toilet and everything.

Oh, my.

Yeah, and I shit out of the ass.

I clean the shit out of the fucking ass of the patient.

And I say, you shut up, you stupid damn patient.

And I threaten them with a pillow.

I rip a pillow apart and all the feathers go everywhere.

Interviewing someone right now.

No, we have a Haitian woman here right now who's interviewing.

Can you call back?

He's telling her what I said.

What you mean he said that?

let me call him back now come on what you mean you're gonna reap the pillow in front of the

patient okay here we go can you dig it can you dig it heavy equipment operator training free oh man

that will be so much fun that's the job i've always wanted to fucking do heavy equipment

operator man can you imagine how cool it'd be to drive to be in a drum truck you know dumping the

shit in the construction site you know like you know you pull the lever it goes and all the

shit comes out yeah man you can't tell me you guys don't want to be in a back run a backhoe

wouldn't it be cool as fuck to run a backhoe that'd be your job you just dig fucking big

ass holes and shit you know hit hitting water mains and shit sounds awesome doesn't it i bet

you there's a bad side to it well you can't you can't uh you can't smoke weed and do that job for

sure and you'll really be hitting water mains and gas mains telephone mains power mains everything

everything man garbage main oil mains equipment trainees john hey how you doing there john i'm

doing great hey this is cross i see you got this uh can you dig it i really like i just i saw it

i had such a laugh i showed my wife and all her friends and we had such a laugh the ad is did you

come up with it yourself or someone else uh well uh we've been doing that ad for a long time uh

Uh, uh, we are, what's your first name again?

My name is Eddie, Eddie Cross.

Hey, Eddie, we've been doing this for quite some time.

Uh, we came up with that years ago.

We're the number one heavy equipment training school in the country, Eddie.

Wow.

We do this faster, cheaper, and better than all the other schools out there.

Oh, yeah.

Now, on your caller ID, I'm sorry, go ahead.

Yeah, I'm listening.

Go ahead.

Well, on your caller ID, it actually comes up Bakersfield, California.

Where are you actually calling from?

Well, I'm calling from Central PA, you see.

But I've got a cell phone.

I moved out here a few years ago.

Goddamn construction business isn't what it used to be out in Vegas, don't you know?

Well, it's not.

They built all the hotels they can possibly handle out there.

Yeah, and they've got a bunch of Mexicans and stuff out there.

It's horrible.

Okay.

Well, they have that most every state these days in one form or another, construction or roofing or landscaping or something like that.

Eddie, a couple quick questions.

First of all, how old are you?

Oh, hey, I'm 42.

Do you have any military experience?

Yes.

Yes. I was in the invasion of Panama, and I also was on an aircraft carrier,

and I loaded Tomahawk cruise missiles that rained down on Iraq during the first Gulf War, Operation Desert Storm.

Eddie, thank you for your service to our country. We always appreciate our veterans here.

Were you in the Navy?

Yes.

Okay. And now a couple of questions on that, because we're a school.

We are on the list of eligible VA schools, but I need to find out if your tuition might be paid for either under one of the GI bills or under some sort of voc rehab.

Eddie, when was your last bit of active duty?

Last bit of active duty was 2008.

2008, okay.

I was in the shit in Iran.

I was on the boots on the ground. I was in a military operation to infiltrate one of the nuclear reactors in Iran. And I made it on site and everything. And there was an accident. And three of my CIs got taken down by Revolutionary Guards.

and then i got arrested i got arrested by revolutionary guards and they beat me they

hit me with sticks they put honey on my naked body and they put me in a field and there were

a bunch of ant mounds and the ants were biting me and everything and they they raped me and they

made me they made they may have forced a woman to have sex with me and everything and then i broke

I broke out. They were electrocuting me. They had these clamps on my body. They were electrocuting me. And they told me that I had to call on the radio back to my base and tell them that I was renouncing my American citizenship and renouncing the U.S. imperialist devils, they said.

and i called i called back to base i was like dragonfly wolf den over and they said yeah it's

murdoch and murdoch it was general murdoch he picked up the phone he picked up the line

and i said i'm coming to get you because he he uh he left me stranded there man so then i turned

around and i beat up the two guards and i i started running and i had this bow and arrow that with an

exploding head on it and i was using the arrows and throwing the arrows and like it was burning

down the huts and houses and all this stuff and these camels got loose and then i stole this

russian uh helicopter and i was flying it uh and then i loaded it up with a bunch of prisoners and

we flew over uh into iraq over to the northern base forward operating base warrior right and then

And I landed there, and I landed, and then I punched this big muscle-headed Marine guy in the face.

And then I saw my friend, the other general, Colonel Hartman, was there.

And I'm cool with Colonel Hartman.

He's really cool.

He's like a father figure to me.

And I said, I got to take care of this.

And I took the machine gun off of the thing, off of the helicopter.

And then I went inside the control room, and I shut it all up.

I was shooting.

It was like, like that.

I was like, oh, shooting all the TV screens and everything like that.

And then Murdoch was there, and I took out my knife,

and I slammed it next to the desk next to his head, and I said,

you know there's more people, more prisoners over there.

You find them, or I'm going to find you.

Then I punched him in the gut, and I walked off.

Well, Eddie, that's about the wildest story I think I've ever heard in my life,

and I've heard a lot of them.

uh yeah and so uh so yeah and to be honest with you i've got a lot of ptsd man okay well here's

my question and we're the number one heavy equipment school in the country we do it faster

cheaper and better than everyone else what i'm trying to find out is if you qualify for your

post 9-11 gi bill chapter 33 benefits which is really ascertained by uh active duty after

After September 2001, as well as discharge status, what was your discharge status?

Honorable discharge.

I have four Purple Hearts.

I've got two Bronze Stars, one Silver Star.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Thank you again for your service to our country.

Now, the other question is, how much active duty do you have since 2001?

How many years active duty?

Well, I was going to say months, but if you want to turn it in years, that works even better.

Oh, yeah, years.

I originally enlisted in the middle of the first Reagan administration.

Okay, so you originally enlisted in the middle of the first Reagan.

That would be 1984.

Yes.

And you got out in 2008.

Yes.

Were you in straight through for 24 years?

Yes.

Okay.

Well, my goodness.

So you certainly qualify for your post-9-11 GI Bill at 100%.

Yeah, I was in special forces.

I mean, I did a lot of crazy.

I came back once, and I was trying to visit my dad,

and they told me to get out of town and all this stuff.

The sheriff was really rude to me, and he put me in his car,

and he made me get out at the other end of town.

And I turned around like, I don't care.

And he started chasing me and everything, and I had to run into the woods.

It was a whole crazy weekend.

It's a long story.

Let me ask you this.

Service-connected disabilities.

Do you have a rating as far as a service-connected disability?

Probably.

I'm all fucked up, they said, when I came back.

I see snakes and spiders when I close my eyes and stuff like that.

I hear Cubans and stuff talking.

I hear Russians talking, stuff like that.

Well, tell me, why do you want to do this?

Because we appreciate our veterans to the max.

We really do.

And your service is exemplary.

You know, your stories, your combat experience, and everything else are fantastic, and I believe them.

But, you know, I'm curious with this, you know, if you're having difficulties with seeing hallucinations and things like that,

that if this is really what you want to do, and if it is, you know, let us try to help you.

I'm on medication now, and I've been manning a sky crane for the last four months.

I do great with a sky crane.

Well, let me send you some information on our school.

Have you ever been to a school before and used any of your Chapter 33 benefits?

I was just in high school, and then I went to Special Forces School.

Okay. Well, we're an 18-day or 24-day. We have two programs. Both of them would be paid by your GI Bill, 100%, all that sort of stuff.

So we have a tuition for our school, 18 days. It covers training on bulldozers, BACOs, TRACOs, national certifications, and job placement assistance.

assistance uh the va uh will not pay for travel hotel and meals to our school uh we uh and they

won't allow us to give it to you so we charge 495 dollars can i i can just i hitchhike everywhere

you know well and i sleep in it i sleep in a tent you don't have to come up with any money

you don't have to come up with any money at all we will in-house finance it for you at

zero percent interest loan and if you don't want to pay us back after you get home and

are working that's okay with us too so you don't need to bring any money with you at all we will

pay for your round trip travel from pennsylvania we'll fly you down here we pay for your private

hotel room for 18 days and we pay for all your meals do you pay for do you pay for that's all

part 495 dollars you're supposed to bring oh it's happening again oh god i'm sorry colonel

Hartman, I'm sorry I left you in

Afghanistan. Oh, God.

You know, I'm kind of getting

shined on right now, so

good luck to you.

If you want us to

send you anything.

Is this Colonel Hartman?

Yeah, best of luck to you

and call us back if you want us to send you

something. Thank you. I want what they want.

God damn, that fucking guy.

He's starting to bore me.

I quoted Rambo 2.

The end of Rambo 2 was my

last story the whole murdoch thing the whole thing with rambo escaping uh from the torture

with the russians and shooting exploding arrows and killing a bunch of vietnamese and then getting

how did he end up in the helicopter i forgot how he ended up in the fucking helicopter i

i just remember a helicopter chasing that uh it's just crazy man fucking rambo too and then rambo one

kind of alluded to that too fucking poor ram i feel bad for ram but that first rambo

it's like he just wants to go in town and he's like fuck you people man like i fought for this

country and his big fucking pig sheriff asshole is saying i can't be in the city i can't be in

the town isn't that that is what happened right i remember he was like a drifter it was a vietnam

vet drifter and he went crazy he killed all the cops it was awesome that fucking movie's awesome

first blood god damn it all right he finally figured out i was fucking with him after being

I wonder at what point was it like, I think this is crazy.

I think he understood the first blood story.

I think he remembered that.

I told the Reagan administration.

Okay, that was Can You Dig It, everybody?

That was the name of that place.

Now we have a general service technician and tire technician.

Thanks to our loyal customers, we're growing again.

We're looking to add service technicians and tire techs

to help satisfy our customers' needs.

needs our solid customer base provides a consistent flow of year-round work basic duties include

mounting and balancing tires preventable maintenance checks and oil changes and a bunch

of other shit here okay good let's uh apply now by phone at this number here all right i don't do

that man oh it's one of those letters oh shit i need a phone to do this goddamn give me a second

Let me play a little bit of music.

I'm going to get some water anyway.

I'm going to play a prank call, and I'll translate this number into English so I can dial it.

And I'm going to go run used to bathroom and get some water.

So in the meantime, you sit there, guys.

Don't go anywhere.

Here's a funny prank call about free tires since we're calling about tires.

Good afternoon, reception.

Faith speaking.

Yes, hi.

I was calling interested in that deal on the tires.

Apparently, if I come in and you guys have a deal on tires, if I spend the night?

On tires.

And I was just listening right now.

I was on hold, and it said to come in, and you get free tires.

No, it's a radio ad.

Yeah, I know.

That's why I'm calling.

It's a radio.

It said that I was the number three caller, so I accept it.

That's fine.

So we're a hotel.

Okay, yeah, but it said there was this.

Listening while you're on hold would have been a local radio station with an ad.

I don't understand.

All I know is that I was on hold, and it said,

It said, you're the third caller, you win free set of tires from Think Pink Tires or something.

Okay, well, when you're put on hold, what you're listening to is a radio station.

Yeah, it said that I won.

Yes, but not with us.

Well, who?

Didn't you say Pink Radio?

I don't know.

I didn't have a chance to copy it down.

It was on the radio.

I don't know.

Could you please connect me?

No, I can't.

I don't know.

Your system told me that I won free tires for calling in, being the third person to call in.

So I'm calling to, I would like my tires, please.

Look, I'm sorry.

What you're listening to is a radio station.

And it said I was the third caller, and I got a free set of tires for my car machine.

So I think.

Yes, and that's on.

But are you denying that the telephone told me this?

Because the telephone just talked to me and said I was a winner.

Who's speaking?

This is Valente.

I'm from Chicago, Illinois.

Okay, just a moment.

and I'll pop you through to our general manager.

It won't be a moment.

Get popping.

Hey, buddy, I just heard an offer when I was on hold

that said I was the third caller and that I won some kind of prize

and this woman is refusing to give me the prize money.

Should we?

I was just on hold and the phone told me that I was the third caller

and I won a prize.

And I'm wanting to claim the prize before I, you know, check in

and she's refusing to, you know, accept my order.

The pit on the thing is the radio program.

Well, whatever it was, your phone told me that I had a prize to claim,

so I'm claiming the prize.

Whatever it is, I will like it.

Well, as I said to you, the thing you heard is a media program.

And the thing it told me was that I got a free set of tires.

Yeah, so you have to be by the station.

Well, I'm calling it now to accept it in the hotel.

I called the hotel to make a reservation for spaces,

and you people told me that I was going to get free tires,

and now you're refusing it.

I don't think that's fair.

No, it's a radio program that told you.

Then maybe you shouldn't have the radio program on there if they're going to lie to you.

People lie.

I want my tie.

We didn't offer a prize.

No, wait a minute now.

Are you calling saying that I didn't get here on the phone now when I was on hold that I won a prize?

Don't know what you heard.

We have background and basically waiting music, which is directly tuned in to a radio station.

So whatever comes on, see what the radio station has to offer.

Can you roll the tape?

Pull the tape.

You'll hear what it said.

I know you folks monitor your calls.

Pull the tape and then you'll see what I mean.

No, we don't. It's not a tape.

He's talking to me on the phone that said I want a prize.

That's who I need to talk to right now.

He's obviously the person who's in charge there.

I don't know who you are.

That's the radio station.

I can find out which radio station it is.

Are you the janitor?

Who's the manager there?

You're talking to him.

You don't sound like much of a manager to me.

You're refusing service.

I mean, we can go around the bend on this one for hours.

No, we're not refusing service.

I can come and get my tires in about ten minutes.

Well, we don't have any tires for you here.

Do you have a car?

Please.

Give me your tires.

I think this conversation doesn't take us anywhere.

You're going to give me your four tires, goddammit, or I'm going to sue you?

I mean, you must be American.

Either you're going to give me your tires nice and peacefully,

or I'm going to take them by force.

That's the bottom line.

So what's it going to be?

Well, you can try to take my tires, but it doesn't make much of a difference.

I mean, as I said, it's a radio program you listen to.

Well, I don't know.

The man on the phone said, okay, you're congratulations.

Congratulations, you're the third caller.

You get a free set of tires.

Hold the line, and they will give you your tires in a second.

And the woman said,

She said,

Exactly what she sounded like.

Free tires.

All right.

Made it right back here.

Just about in time.

Awesome.

Give me a second here.

Let me drink my water.

Well, it's actually powering.

That's a good idea, Lux.

See, I'm a Walmart greeter.

I've got experience.

Plenty of experience.

All right, when we do this tire thing, my, uh, I've done this before, but I'm going to make it sound like, uh, well, I'm going to tell them that what I can do is the, uh, look on YouTube and figure out how to do all the jobs, all the necessary repairs to the car.

That's true.

All you need is a YouTube.

All you need is a YouTube computer.

Just a second here.

Thank you for calling Direct Energy.

Our enrollment center is currently closed.

Our hours of operation are Monday through Saturday from 730 a.m. to.

Man, that ain't right, motherfucker.

Hang on.

All right, down wrong here.

1-877-

Let's try this.

Phone-based job application system powered by Job App Network.

If this is your first time using Job App,

press 1 to register your information with hiring managers in your area,

or press 2 to complete your application or check the-

Is there a three-digit extension associated with the phone number you just called?

Okay, since this is your first time,

let's set up your Job App in just three easy steps.

Oh, my God.

The first step involves you providing contact, work preferences, education, and work history information.

All right, now I'm getting pissed off.

The second step allows you to select current open positions in your area.

The third step involves you answering position-related questions to better inform the hiring manager of your capabilities.

Taking the time to complete this process is the best way to get your information in front of hiring managers with current job openings.

We suggest that you select a quiet location where you won't be interrupted or distracted.

Now, let me introduce you to Simone, our state-of-the-art virtual interviewer.

She's open-minded, user-friendly, and has unlimited patience.

Here's Simone.

Hi, I'm Simone. Let's get you registered.

If you don't understand a question, just wait a moment and I'll repeat it.

Are you ready? Great. Let's get started.

Let me answer.

Now, let's gather some basic personal information.

Remember, it's very important to answer all the questions clearly and accurately.

At the tone, clearly speak your first, middle, and last name.

When you're finished recording, press any key.

Asshole.

Thank you for calling. For the best price on tires, please press 1.

For service or all other inquiries, press 2 or remain on the line.

Do not re-record your answer. If yes, press 1. Otherwise, press 2.

At the tone, clearly spell your first, middle, and last name.

For example, say first name, J-O-E, middle name, J-A-M-E-S, last name, C-L-A-R-K.

Hello.

When you're finished recording, press any key.

Hello.

Listen, I'm trying to call about the stupid jobs, and you people have this line, and it forces you to listen to everything, and I don't understand how to make it go.

Why can't you just answer the phone like normal for someone applying for a job?

What thing are you talking about?

We have an answering thing that picks up that says press 1 for tire price, 2 for services, and if you don't press anything, it just rings right back.

record your answer if yes press one otherwise that's what i'm calling i'm looking in the

newspaper and it says if you want to work for that you have to call this number and i call it

and it's this whole thing and the computer's talking and says hi my name is simone i'm going

to ask you questions about tires and your information don't you don't believe me well

i i don't know sir i'd have to call the number i i'm not exactly sure what's going on there if

If you want to apply for a job, the best way is probably just to visit our website.

Can I go there and fill out an application?

How did you do it?

How long have you been working there, big guy?

I've been working for 10 years.

I filled out a paper application when I did mine.

Yeah, so you get me one of those paper applications.

I'll come in.

Well, unfortunately, we don't have paper applications anymore.

Anything's done online at this time.

I do everything.

I got a YouTube phone.

I got YouTube on it.

You know, YouTube, you ever heard of it?

Yeah.

And I can see, like, all right, I need to change oil in the 98 Honda Civic.

And I put it in YouTube, and it has a video.

You watch 15 seconds at first, or sometimes after three seconds, you can skip the ad.

And then it shows you how to change the oil in the car.

The man goes, hey, I'm Ralph, and I'm going to be changing the 99 Honda Civic oil today.

And he does the whole stupid damn thing on the video.

And I can pause it and rewind it.

yeah stuff like that do you have youtube computers yep there you go yep yeah exactly but yeah if you

want to apply for a job just go to dot com and fill out the application there that's the best

way there sir fuck yeah that's what i'll do all right all right all right asshole take care man

thanks for talking to me i appreciate god bless you yeah thanks for the language there buddy oh

whatever go cry hell go call your mom yeah yeah whatever asshole shit fuck cunt pussy bitch

bitch. Shit. Seriously, go call your mom, you little bitch. A big what's up to everyone who's

managed to make it this afternoon, including MPSA Cobra, who's on vacation. Yeah. Where are you at,

MPSA Cobra? Where'd you go on vacation to? Where'd you go? Savannah, Georgia? Yeah. MPSA Cobra is

playing golf. Hi, this is Chris speaking. How can I help you? Hey, big Chris, how you doing?

That's good, handsome. Hey, can I curse? Can I use curse words when I talk to you on the phone?

It doesn't bother me.

Oh, fuck yeah, man.

I like to fucking curse all the time.

I'm just making sure before I say some shit, you know?

What can I do for you?

I'm looking in the fucking paper here, and it says you got these fucking job general service technicians and the fucking tire technicians and shit.

Okay.

You know what I'm talking about?

Damn it.

Hello?

Somewhat.

All right.

Hey, man, you said it doesn't fucking bother you, and I curse a lot.

I was in the Navy.

You understand, right?

Damn it.

It doesn't bother me, sir.

or I'm just laughing.

Fuck yeah, man.

Fuck yeah.

All right.

So I tried to call this stupid fucking line about the job.

You know, have you ever called it?

Like, did you call this stupid line when you got your damn job?

No, they did that after I got hired.

So what the fuck did you do?

The fucking paper application?

Yes, sir.

How long have you been there?

Like 10 years and shit?

Close to it.

You know that guy at the Jonestown Road place?

I just talked to him.

Who?

You know that guy that's been there for 10 years on Jonestown Road?

No.

Do you know the guys over at Jonestown Road?

No, I don't.

Oh, dude.

Yeah, they're stupid, man.

They're a bunch of homos.

He's like, don't.

Oh, they can't talk like that.

I like the language.

And I said, you know what I said?

I said, go call your mama.

I said to him.

Right?

Okay.

Anyway, look, can you get me one of those paper apps or no?

We don't have them anymore.

Fuck.

Everything's online.

Online, and then you got this stupid, hey, you want to hear the phone line with me?

I'm going to conference you.

You want to hear it?

It's crazy.

You want to hear it?

No, I don't.

Please?

I really don't.

I'm in.

Oh, what are you doing?

Are you busy?

Yes, I am, sir.

Oh, man.

Don't you like the smell of air freshener for the car?

What's your favorite one?

Do you like the pine one or the musk one?

I like the coconut one.

It reminds me of my...

I had a girlfriend.

She used to use this coconut lime verbana product from Bed Bath & Body Works, you know?

Okay.

And she had the lotion and the matching shower gel and the hand lotion and the cream and everything.

And when I'd fuck her, it smelled just like it, you know?

And now every time I smell coconuts, I think about her and, like, you know,

fucking think about fucking her and shit.

Used to fuck her in the car, finger her in the car and shit.

Go to the movie theaters and I'd fuck finger her right in the fucking movie theater

watching Harry Potter and I'm fingering her.

It was awesome.

I have nothing for that, sir.

I hear you, man.

All right, well, good luck with that, man.

And, hey, you have yourself a blessed day.

God bless you, all right?

Take care, Dad.

All right, bye.

You know that guy's cracking up.

I'm talking some weird shit.

Not the face of that guy.

He's cool as fuck.

He's like, yeah, curse.

I don't care.

I got to the point where I'm talking about fucking and fingering in the movie theater

by watching Harry Potter.

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, boy.

Let's see.

You're looking for more numbers here.

Oh, boy.

Flip in the page.

Let's see.

part-time production work is there a phone number no no phone number here here's a fax number no

no calls please no here's the fedex place that i talked to last week let's not call them again

we can call them again see if they remember me that's funny like that other lady there's another

place sm smart management that's the place where i said i wanted to unionize them or i wanted to

find out if they were unionizing i told them i'd infiltrate the union they were still looking

what else no no no email schedule interview by calling robert at this number here this is for

auto detail person straightening the machines remember that guys must be experienced to wash

wax using buffer wet sand striping i could say stripping instead valid pa driver's license okay

okay i got that i can strip also take my pants off i get all sexy and i say gucci gucci

shit like that here we go auto detail person i don't think they'll fucking answer it's too late

man you know if you wanted a job you had to call yesterday that's what a lot of these people don't

answer these people afternoon you can't make a direct your call hey what's up girl how you doing

hello hello hey yeah can i have extension 127 um one second all right girl thank you yeah

oh yeah luck sent in some numbers from the classifieds almost forgot thanks looks

good looking looks sir hey what's up girl can i ask you you're looking to talk to oh

rob thomas one second all right honey hey what's going on guy how are you i'm all right hey you

looking for an auto detail person yes we are uh do attention to detail ever touch the car inside

side and outside i know everything i like thing um worth and so on i touch it yeah i like to touch

the leather and the inside i like to touch all the buttons and the gears and everything and i

like to honk the horn and test the horn i like to honk the horn it's fun okay and then it says

here you need experience in wash wax using buffer i have that also what sand i use that to get all

all the stuff off the car stripping i can do that also i can take off my clothes for you

and then i have a valid pal dia driver's license also that's awesome yeah so the stripping part

is that for customers or sometimes will you tell me that you need me to

for the police checking your call thank you i give don't give your permission

it's for the police force it says stripping here all right okay it's striping god damn

Take it easy, guy.

I was just kidding.

The police force.

Yeah, call the Skype police.

Okay.

Not many numbers on that page.

Here's the next one.

What song was that?

Come away.

Come away, motherfucker.

Come away.

That's a fax number.

That's an email.

That's an email only.

Here we go.

This one was in here last week.

either i didn't call it or they didn't answer it's positions at a dollar general store oh no no

that's the staffing place i did that was that the mexican sounding guy that i told him i needed like

a three weeks to get all the marijuana out of my system if i remember correctly all right uh

here's the dairy mechanic that they need for the dairy uh they did not answer last week they were

We're also looking last week for...

Oh, no, this is it.

Yeah, reefer mechanic.

Yeah, I had a good idea for that.

Reefer mechanic.

Hey.

Hey, how you doing?

Oh, I'm so good.

Thank you.

God bless you.

I was calling for the reefer mechanic position.

Do you handle that, or is that someone else?

Sorry, you're calling for the what?

The reefer mechanic, certified reefer mechanic.

I used to fix...

I don't think we're hiring for a mechanic.

Hold on.

It says in a newspaper.

Go away, go away.

it sounded like star bright remember that song star bright starlight first star i see tonight

who sung that tiffany who was that cindy lopper

i don't know who that was but i would fuck her i would fuck her i fuck her now she probably

looks ugly now oh come on taking forever madonna says corrupts was that it that sounds about right

right that could be my downer hello yes we're dairy this is cheryl let me help you hey cheryl

how are you it's good to talk to you while i talk to you were you trying to because i'm looking in

the newspapers as certified reefer mechanic okay what happened um you can come in and fill in an

application we would have said i could call um i can transfer you over to the garage one moment

all right honey hey big guy how you doing i'm seeing you got a certified reefer mechanic

position hold on let me give you my boss god damn it all right hold on right here hey what do you

say there charlie good i see you got a position for a certified reefer mechanic stupid maricone

you son of a bitch pinche maricone that's what he is the jefe of his ass

all right i think this is uh the same church no it's a different one we got a we got a church

here well they didn't leave a phone number hire for a choir director gonna be ending the show here

in about 15 minutes sorry it's short see i don't want to do it too early because you know like

right now it's what like in the west coast it's really it's still early it's three hours back if

you know i could do that i could start the show like around 10 o'clock let's say but it's only

seven o'clock in the morning for our listeners on the other side of the country and all those

guys didn't miss it i don't want that to happen even though they can hear it again later on

on youtube and on the podcast um marketing leasing agent uh need for a large apartment

apartment complex in the area agent will be responsible to perform all activities related

administration advertising marketing and leasing okay and we have a phone number is that a fax

number that's a fax number well fuck me in the ass guess we're not calling them uh photography

to seeking high energy friendly and flexible photographers who enjoy working in a school

environment with children and adults hiring seasonal photographers for august through

november no experience needed someone's calling back i ain't gonna answer it fuck that shit

could be the police the sheriff is on the sheriffs let's screen it okay i've sent the

colored voicemail usually just hang up hello they're up on their own i tried to join them

but they hung up well they called okay they called back all right anyway seasonal photography work

Telephone number.

Telephone number, pinche cabrón.

Let's try it again.

Maybe I misdialed it.

It was a hard one to dial.

There's an alternate number here, too, that we can call.

No, that comes up as the number I dialed.

So, if not, we have a different number.

Yeah, legend, I like to do the Jesus piñata.

Telephone number.

I don't have a number for a piñata place.

You find me a piñata place and forward it on to me, I will gladly call.

And I also got to call some of Lux's number, because Lux sent in some numbers.

from his local newspaper this will be the last one out of the paper here that i've got in front of me

lux i'll call a few years see how they hit and then we'll call it a day hello thank you for

calling it is our desire to give legendary customer service i don't need to sell good

afternoon it's julie speaking hey yeah i saw you have the ad here for to take a picture to take

yeah i like okay one of my hobbies i like to go to the beach and i take pictures of people playing

and laying down, the women laying down on the beach and stuff like that

and have an album that I keep of ladies and pretty girls walking on the beach.

Okay.

Well, let me have you listen to the voicemail if you're interested.

Oh, yeah.

I noticed I was listening to it, and then I hit zero or something.

Okay.

Just give me one more minute here,

and then it will give you a choice of leaving your name and number

and then the photo managers can get back in touch with you.

Yeah, and I'll show them my personal sexual organs.

One moment, please.

Okay.

Welcome to the afternoon.

This is Julie speaking.

Oh, was I supposed to hit something to leave the message?

Just what you need to do is listen through the beginning part of the message.

Okay.

And then it'll go into explaining what you need to do at the end.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Go ahead, honey.

I'm sorry.

No problem.

One moment, please.

What's national?

It is our desire to give legend.

Hello, this is Julie speaking.

Hey, Julie, you put me through, and then it was like saying the information,

but in Spanish or all garbled up or something like that about the job.

Do you know anything about it?

I don't, no.

No, that is the information that you'll need to listen to.

Can you try again?

I can.

Hold on just a moment.

All right.

My pretty lady sitting there with her vagina in her skirt.

Welcome to the school studio.

That is what I said in the background.

Walking on the moon.

Look, I'm sorry.

I'm a dumbass.

Are you hitting zero to come out?

Yeah, that was my mistake that time.

That one was totally my fault.

It won't happen again.

I'm sorry.

Okay, let me try it again.

One moment.

Okay.

Welcome to National School.

Walking on the moon, guys.

Let's hear that song.

I keep singing it.

I could have been playing it this whole time, motherfucker.

All of our representatives are assisting other customers.

Please leave your name and telephone number with a brief message explaining the reason for your call.

Fuck that.

I just hit zero.

I already know that trick.

Hello.

Thank you for calling.

It is our desire to give you...

This is Marianne.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I was talking to Julie, is it?

and she okay she put me through to the voicemail for the the job explanation my sexual organs were

out okay hello all of our representatives are assisting other customers please leave your name

and telephone number with a brief message they won't answer and shit all right from lux here is

a honest dependable and hard-working house cleaner for reasonable prices she's offering

her services it appears solid here we go love that fucking song guys fuck yeah hi this is diane

i'm not available at this time i'm washing my dog get over here dog why she hung right up

stupid bitch don't hang up on me i'm carlito hi this is diane i'm not hi maybe she's

in this pose right now yeah oh yeah uh well that's not an answer oh oh oh here we go

I'm going to have to screen this one, maybe.

Oh, no, it's her calling back.

Hello, Diane.

Yeah.

Hey, what's up, honey, baby?

How are you?

Who's this?

Oh, this is Eddie.

I see you're a hardworking house cleaner.

Yes, sir.

All right.

I got work.

If you want to come weekly to the house here, I got a nice house.

You can come.

Do you do bathrooms and stuff?

What area?

Huh?

What area are you in?

Oh, locally here.

Wherever Lux is from.

I don't...

You know Lux?

you know that east liberty street look oh i don't believe i know that liberty street where's liberty

now east liberty honey baby sweetie east liberty yeah so no i'm not i'm sure where liberty is well

you have you you can get your directions right it's not that hard why is it such a big deal

you know what's your name this is eddie yeah hey how are you hi god bless god bless you eddie cross

Cross.

Yeah.

On Liberty.

I'm at Liberty for the post office.

I want to come by and look at it.

Yeah.

Do you clean bathroom?

I clean everything.

How do you do the tub?

Tell me so I know you know how to do it right.

How would you scrub the tub?

The tub?

Yeah.

Would you?

Whatever cleaning supplies that you have, a scrubber and cleaning supplies, whatever

you have, Mr. Clean, or scrubbing bubbles, or comment, or whatever you have to clean

with.

And you get on your knees, or do you stand, or how do you do it?

No, I do it right.

I've been doing it for four years.

I'm a very thorough cleaner.

So you get on your knees and do it?

Yes, sir.

Nice.

That's very nice.

I can watch you do it and everything, make sure you're doing it right.

I don't care if you watch me or not.

I'm very good at my job.

I bet you are.

Yeah.

You got a nice little ass on you.

I don't have a problem with nobody watching me.

No?

I've been doing it for four years.

Okay.

I have my regular clients.

I don't want you to turn around while I'm watching you, okay?

I don't want you to see this.

Will you wear a skirt while you do it?

Like a short...

No, I don't sew.

It's just a prank call.

No, no, I'm horny.

And I want to pay you good money.

I'll pay you double.

No, I don't plan to.

Come on!

I'll suck your dick.

She's gone.

She thought it was funny, and then she was...

No, wait a minute.

This man is going to rape me, you know?

What's wrong with being a little kinky, you know what I mean?

All those sex stories you hear, people are all sexy and hot and stuff.

Try doing that in the real world.

Hello.

Yeah, hey, how are you?

You do lawn mowing?

Huh?

You do lawn mowing?

Yes.

Do you have Mexicans or Cubans?

Negro.

What do you have, Negroes?

Uh-uh, no, I'm white.

Oh, that's nice.

Are you redneck?

I wouldn't say I'm redneck.

I'd just say I'm white.

All right, and how many people come to do the lawn mowing?

Now, me and my wife.

Oh, nice.

Very nice.

And do you take your shirt off if it gets really hot?

No, sir.

Well, you know, you can if you want.

If you guys get hot, you can take your shirt off.

You know, she can let her hair down.

You know, I can spray you with the garden hose a little bit, cool you off.

He's gone.

What town is this, dude?

Where do you live, Lux?

Sounds like they got five teeth in this whole county that you live in, dude.

Not the kind of place I want to live.

No offense if the lawn mowing guy has no Mexicans.

I'm just saying.

I don't think my kinder really accepted there, bro.

All right, we got lost keys.

This is the last one because I know you sent more Lux, but like I said.

All right, anyway, black strap with name Tina on it,

probably on East Liberty Street.

That's where I got that address from.

Maybe you can find those keys that she lost.

God damn it, Tina.

Those are the words of Lux.

These are the words of Carlitos.

Stand by for the last prank call of the afternoon.

And thank you for tuning in to Madhouse Afternoon Special.

Oh yes, before I forget, and I should have mentioned this already, Madhouse makes its return to its original night Thursday night, 10 p.m. Eastern, 7 p.m. Pacific, this week, in two days, two nights from today, 10 p.m. Eastern, 7 p.m. Pacific, Thursday the 18th.

Madhouse Radio, back on its normal schedule.

Oh!

Hello?

Yes, you have these black straps with Tina on it?

Yeah.

Oh man, how many keys were on it, honey?

there were about four or five keys on it yeah was it leather it was it leather no oh you do you like

leather stuff or no it was do you like leather stuff or no like leather purses leather high

heels and stuff uh-huh you do oh yeah i like that i like it too yeah i think girls look really hot

in leather you know do you wear those boots that come up to you like above your knee like they're

leather and they go up above the knee a little bit oh she's gone she said she got a little horny

Neither are hers.

Mm-hmm.

I'm coming across too strong, but, dude, look, I got to go.

All right?

Sorry.

Bye.

Namaste.

I got to go, guys.

Namaste.

That's the line.

We'll walk on the moon.

They'll take us out of here.

Again, Thursday night, Madhouse Radio Live.

Milkman will be in the house.

And, oh, yeah, well, hey, here's something.

Our anniversary show is going to fall right in the middle between this Thursday and next Thursday.

This will be eight years of Madhouse that we're celebrating,

the eight-year anniversary show.

We're going to push that anniversary show.

We're going to celebrate it on next week's show

because it is kind of not everyone is aware that we're coming back to Thursday.

So next week will be our eight-year anniversary show.

I'll try to line up some special guests and do some special,

maybe play a few pranks from the last year of show.

Maybe we can choose one that's our favorite.

I have not edited out any single prank calls, isolated any pranks themselves that I know of in the last 12 months.

Only shows.

So I don't know how much of a countdown we're going to have this year, if we have any.

But maybe we can just talk about it.

Maybe I can look for some during the week.

Maybe I'll take some suggestions up through the weekend, if you have any pranks you remember that we did since the last anniversary show that you think should be noted.

in a top five countdown anyway and be sure to stay tuned to cacti radio or uh phone call network

live radio network whatever it is uh blue planet prank radio thank you all of you for listening to

us some of those other two stations keep a lock to where you're listening to us right now enjoy

the rest of your programming day goodbye

Calls (26, 1 h 1 min of 1 h 32 min)

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