We’re Having a Heat Wave

I wrote you a number and give you a number to the policeman.

Don't worry.

You are absolutely disgusting.

And this is an inappropriate conversation and not one that you need to have with a child.

And you need to go get a life.

I'm not playing no fucking games, man.

I, I fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making us do the cutting.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

You're my perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Welcome back to Thursdays and other insanities that may occur as you know.

but uh so good to hear you man how have you been my brother good i've been good thank you i just

woke up a little bit ago i'm doing good man generalissimo generalissimo yes yeah right yes

that's what you called me yes that's right thank you always been our supreme commander i mean it's

just without a doubt of course how can you not know that you've only been saying it start of

of every show for like eight years now well we'll call in the calvary horse oh all right it's good

to hear your voice matt hey man next week is our anniversary show it falls in between this week's

show and next week's thursday it's right dab in the middle um so it's uh we'll celebrate it next

week just to make sure everyone knows we're back on thursday but dude i haven't isolated any prank

calls in the last year so i don't think we can really do a countdown unless i bust my ass this

week and i'm just saying i'm lazy like that i'll end up not doing it just let's let's do this man

whatever calls we got fuck it throw it out if there isn't anything so fucking what it's not

fucking in the world man we're having fun we're not trying to break balls are we and we always do

something special for the you know for the anniversary show we do some stuff you know i

compilation, right?

But if you don't have it, you don't have it.

So what will you do?

You could, like, put in some, maybe some of our others,

mix them together, and then...

Last year's anniversary show was really good.

Remember, we had a whole bunch of...

Jen was on for the first time in a long time,

and then Zolar was on, Hollywood Vanya was on.

Oh, that's right, Hollywood.

I forgot about that, yeah.

I got Hollywood to call in for a second there, a little bit.

I was trying to get Reclude.

i tracked him down but he wouldn't answer my calls but i found his phone number but i couldn't get

him to join us man is he still alive yeah he's he's alive he's he's i don't know he's but you

have been in communication with him how many years i think what happened with him was like

he used to come on and talk about uh doing certain things yeah i know that and he would actually do

them on the air you know certain things i know that too yeah because he was no liar the man

And backed up everything he said.

He was some fucking shit.

It was so awesome, though.

He gets so fucked up, and he can barely talk.

Yeah, but he's a little more legitimate now.

I was on the ice originally, man.

Whenever he started doing the show, I got invited on, Bob.

Oh, my God.

So I was in there every night trying to keep him going, man.

I'm, like, typing things all fucked up.

Jeez, like, typing, I'm fucked up, man.

What do I do?

Man.

Oh, fuck.

Well, you remember he had the whole story about his, do you remember the story about

his intern that he told us for some weird reason?

He's like, yeah, something about him screwing around with them and like they were partying

in there and screwing around with them and it turned ugly.

Isn't that right?

Yeah.

It got really bad, really fast.

Some under, underage high school intern, he just involved them sticking fingers in each

other's mouths and shit.

It was like, what the fuck, dude?

And they're like, oh, he's three fingers ready.

He's four-finger Freddy.

What are you talking about?

Well, he's three now.

He gets all four in there.

Anyway, yeah, one of his fingers is indisposed.

New news telling us, hey, tonight, I don't know if Lonesome knows that we're on Thursday nights, man.

I should have hit him up.

I totally forgot to tell him.

I was hoping maybe that it would reach him on the grapevine, you know?

Damn.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fuck.

Hang on.

I see Lego on aim.

aim worst case fallback position you know we do have the great the historical catalogs i mean

you know it always gleaned something nice because a man has been around since god yeah i see lego

online i just hit him up on aim maybe he catches that maybe he'll want to join us for a little bit

that'd be cool since we were just talking about which we could have a little bit of fun trying

like invite some of the people that's appeared like over the years if we get any of the classic

people or you know maybe bring some of the newer people in just kind of have a little bit

discussion thing whatever in that head is i don't know i don't do some of the other

whatever you think i don't i don't know anyway nunu telling us tonight's indian word is

i don't know what hala hala means

also call old people in the uk remind them that it is hot and tell them to drink plenty of water

out in fluids that it wasn't it worth it having a heat wave in the uk once and i i kept calling

a guy telling him that not to go outside because he could fall over he could fall over and collapse

and not in the sun and he's like i won't fall over i'm not gonna collapse i'm not gonna get

heat stroke leave me alone tell them to drink plenty of water and get naked but not show their

private parts or sexual organs reminds milk uh reminds nunu milkman oh there's a comment between

those two of course he's got some sick twist on it of course well that'll be great nunu wants to

get numbers so we'll see hey also man nunu you know what you gotta hit us up man let us know

what some of these telemarketing conferences are man because we used to pull off a lot of fun with

that too bro well it's still marketing conference season is coming up i believe that's what i was

I was thinking, too, man.

I don't know.

He was always the expert at acquiring numbers.

Now, I don't know if he still has that magic or not.

Well, yeah.

Nunu was telling me recently that it's warming up.

I saw him saying that in the chat room.

Conference season is coming up.

All right.

He thought it.

Good, good, good.

That is our representative there in Wankershire, England.

It's usually late summer into the early fall is the conference seasons.

When all those, you get clown conference, right?

What are the ones?

The Midget Conference, there's the Clown Conference.

Then the Feminazis Clown, the Feminazis, we called them a few times.

They were about changing the tampon or something.

Well, yeah.

Or some shit.

Yeah, then there's the Confederate one.

The Sons of the Confederacy have one, I think.

Oh, yeah.

The Telemarkers Association.

Yeah, one of the Sons of the Confederacy, one of those, like, Sonny Young, or what was he?

and he's one of them like real like racist ones i don't know i don't know he was like a famous star

he was in he was a star and used to be an old older television man i'm just trying to think

of his character but we called him up sonny lambda oh sonny landham sonny landham yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah no we just i just called him at random oh he just randomly oh i thought he was invited to

conferences no i got into him now no i didn't even remember all that no no you just knew you

just found his number and i called him and i think the first thing was a cast

it was a casting call was the first one i told him i wanted him to act like he was dying you know

here on the voice on the phone he goes he goes like that yeah and the second time hollywood

talked to him and he was being real racist he was like you know if you were muslim get out of

my country kind of thing yeah no weird shit all right well lonesome isn't here yet as i've said

a few times but we do have the lonesome log which is a collection of all the numbers he sent in uh

throughout our eight-year history so far well seven years and uh 11 months and three weeks

history at this point uh i don't know who should we call give me something you want to call let's

call indians right that's always a good warm-up indians usually good to open up they're still

open and they're usually uh always fail never fail to please let me pull up a random indian

number from the past here's one in australia i have no idea what time it is in australia i think

it's tomorrow after exactly opposite almost so it's about 10 11 in the morning maybe too early

maybe too early for australia let's find a different one here hang on i cannot find indian

on my clock i sent you that i sent you that app too i don't know if you ever got it and man it

shows you all the time zones in the world you can like customize it and it'll show up on your on

on your uh android yeah well i can get that on a desktop i'm just too lazy i can just go to google

and put it what what time is okay here it is okay let me i'll break it down okay so uh it's uh 3 44

in the afternoon american samoa maui hawaii is 4 44 uh anchorage is 6 44 uh denver's 8 44 chicago

let's see let's christian's dead is oh perk there it is perk that's what i'm looking for

Perth is 1044 in the morning, so actually that wouldn't be a bad call.

Well, where's Perth?

Is that like on the west?

Perth is on the west, so it's within a couple hours of that.

So it's going to be 844, 944.

I mean, look, I used to have all of them on here.

Because there's four time zones in Australia, for fuck's sake, dude.

Yeah, you got Adelaide.

Okay, Sydney and Adelaide are pretty close, like a half hour.

There's 1245 Sydney.

Tasmania is 1245.

so yeah

I think Adelaide's got it's own time zone

so yeah go with those there

Hobart's is going to be everything from Queensland

anything on the east coast

Gold Coast

Brisbane any of those places

Gimpy remember my buddy

he's still down there in Gimpy man

who the hell? Lifey

remember Lifelike

yeah remember Lifey used to come on Lifelike

what's Gimpy

yeah Gimpy's where he's at now

hey Lifelike I know you're not listening but if you are man

man. I hope you're doing well, man. Miss you.

Wait a minute. What's Gympie?

Is that a city? I've never heard of Gympie before.

Yeah, it's a city. G-Y-M-P-I-E,

I believe.

That's where he moved to.

I've heard of them all. Gympie.

Sounds like...

A lot of people know about it because it's near Brisbane.

It brings it up to the price of life.

Hey, how are you? Thanks.

Oh, good, good. I wanted to

see about making... Is this the Indian

restaurant? Yes. Oh, that's

good. That's good. You guys are rated pretty high.

I saw here in the airline, I was on a plane, on a Qantas airplane, and it says places to go,

and it had you down there. I don't know if you were aware of that. It had you close. Yeah,

you guys are recommended in this magazine I was reading. Which one? Um, Makata magazine? Uh-huh.

Yes. Yeah, that's, congratulations. Thank you. Okay, yeah, so I'd like to see, do you have any

tikka masala, chicken tikka masala? Yeah, we have. All right, well, can I have one order of that?

Okay.

Chicken tikka masala?

Yeah, one challah challah.

What?

Challah challah.

We don't have that.

You don't have challah challah?

No.

Do you have bhenchod?

What do you say?

Bhenchod?

It says in the magazine that it's your bhenchod, it says here.

It says it's your sister.

You cover your sister in meat, and then we eat it off with our mouths.

We don't use our hands.

Yeah, have you ever heard of naked sushi, where you put sushi on a sexy little, on a sexy sister?

And we'll put food on your sister and eat it off for her.

You understand?

Hello?

Hey, buddy, don't be scared.

It's okay.

It's just me.

It's Carlito, man.

Come on.

I'm your friend.

Come on, please be my friend and talk to me.

Hello?

Be my friend.

Oh, excuse me.

I sneeze.

I'm sneezing a lot.

You're just going to sit there?

All right, we'll call someone else.

You hang on, all right, buddy, and we'll talk.

We're going to call Tamarind Tree Curries, okay?

And then we're going to call the UK after that.

Yeah, they came recommended by Franklin Magazine.

I don't know why they're not talking.

Oh, is it Franklin Magazine?

What did he say?

Franklin Magazine?

What did he say?

I think so.

Some bullshit magazine.

Probably some local.

Nobody ever heard of.

Three in public.

Hey, is this a curry place?

Hello?

Is this a curry food place?

Yeah.

Oh, I'd like to have some of that Indian food.

Hello?

I'd like to have some of that Indian food, buddy.

Yeah, what would you like to have?

One order of chicken tikka masala.

Yes.

One hala hala.

Sorry, what did you say?

Hala hala.

We don't have any hala hala.

Are you hala hala, asshole?

Hello.

Yeah, are you hala hala, asshole?

Hello?

I'm not getting what you're saying.

Are you a hala hala, asshole?

It says here...

Hala hala?

Yeah.

What is hala hala?

It says here hala hala is a curse word in Indian.

So what's the problem?

Why don't you understand?

Hala hala or hala hala?

Hala hala.

What's that mean?

I don't know anything such hala hala.

Oh, tell me a bad word in Indian.

Like banchu.

Do you know banchu?

Do you know what that means?

Do you want me to report it to the police or what?

Do you know what that means?

Banchu?

Do you know what I mean when I say that?

Do you want to place an order?

Yeah.

Yeah, so what do you want?

One chicken tikka masala?

Yeah.

One banchu?

Dumbass.

Never get, you know, the stupid banchu thing, milkman, you know?

You think people are friendly?

God, enough.

Enough with it.

God, enough.

I can't believe it.

No one has it on the menu tonight, man.

I'm sure we'll find it.

Shit is never on the menu, dude.

Really?

It's never on the menu.

Yeah, I know.

Shit isn't on the menu.

Okay.

The UK has a heat wave, so let's call them and warn them.

How's that sound?

Whatever you do.

Yep.

Just remember that, man.

They're having a heat wave.

Yeah, man.

Man, we're having a heat wave, a tropical heat wave.

They don't use air conditioning over there either.

Should I sing that song to them?

We're having a heat wave, a tropical heat wave.

We're going to be in a heat wave.

We're having a heat wave.

Is that Winter Sisters?

I don't know.

It's an old ass song.

I actually lived through that point in time.

I actually had the fucking record, but don't ask me what it was.

We're having a heat wave.

You can use an old grandpa now.

Hello, this is

Lancaster 33135.

I'm sorry we're not here to take you...

1133135.

Try him again. William.

William, I'm calling from

the United Kingdom Natural Resources

Association. I understand

that you're of elderly age and we're

in the middle of a heat wave right now.

Hello, we just want to warn you about

going outside. Let me try him

again. Milkman, you should

get your guitar and start singing. We're having a

heat wave when I cue you.

welcome to voicemail my heavy metal jam for him man we're having a heat wave

hello see you could hello william william it's important the heat wave he doesn't want to talk

he's just putting the phone down now you could overdub it with the white devil voice right

yeah the white devil just starts breaking it down right with all the phones heat wave science

yeah i'm gonna burn through london tonight

it sounds like hulk hogan talk hello it's that william quigley i say

my name is brett brett the hitman heart i'm calling from the united kingdom national heat

wave we're calling to warn you we understand you're elderly you're older of age you're a

pensioner and we want to warn you that there is a heat wave in progress it's extremely hot outside

I want to wear it out.

All right.

Now, do you know when you go outside, you wear nice, loose, fitting clothing, light colors?

What's the purpose of the call?

I know there's a heat wave.

Where are you from?

Huh?

I'm calling.

We are employed by the government, the United Kingdom government,

to warn elderly and old-age pensioners about the heat wave and what they can do.

Do you know what time of the morning it is here?

Yes, it's a national emergency.

No, it's not a national emergency.

Yes, it is.

it's been declared a national emergency by the prime minister it's a national emergency

yeah national emergency oh he's like just slammed the phone you heard him

you asshole he's just like i think he missed it yeah all right let's call the next one then

here's another william we'll warn him about the heat wave the tropical heat wave it's hot

everywhere dude it's hot up here in the northeast i don't know down there in san francisco

Like air conditioned

I'm going to put a blanket out

With your golden gates wide open

San Francisco

Got my blankie

Is that William Pennington?

Yes

Are you William?

No

Is William available?

No, he's not

Middle of the night here

I know, can I pass on a message please?

Yes

Alright, I'm calling on behalf of the United Kingdom National Heat Wave Association

They think it's a sales call

Because of what I'm saying

like fuck sales call we're having a heat wave a national heat wave

we're not available at the moment please leave a message if you like thank you

hey we're having a heat wave it's a tropical heat wave so be careful thank you i didn't sing it i

don't like my voice that much i don't like my singing voice i'm not very fond of it milkman

you know but uh yeah you know at least i got the message out there uh you know the only version of

tropical heat wave i can find is by the muppets a song made famous by the legendary marilyn monroe

performed tonight by my favorite pig singer and her penguins tropical heat wave

cue it up there where they start singing man skip all that yeah we have a special message for you

all right cool sounds good it sounds like the fucking 80s sounds like the fucking 70s and

that sounds like the 70s or the 60s man they didn't do that kind of shit very much they didn't

do very much singing unlike the uh hardly ever in those days old days yeah that's what we did

in radio hello hello is that william william who uh let's see here i've got william newton

What do you want?

Well, I'm calling from the National Safety Administration.

There's a heat wave going on, and we have him on our list as a pensioner,

and it's important that we get this message to him.

So what, at three o'clock in the morning?

It's a national emergency that's been declared by the British government,

so we're having to call everyone as soon as possible.

Right.

All right, so we want to make sure that he knows not to go outside

for long periods of time where some block SPF 20 or something like that.

drink plenty of fluids, preferably non-carbonated.

Yeah.

I think we know all that.

We don't need to be told this time, do we?

Yeah, right.

And he shouldn't be looking at women outside because it could raise his heart pressure.

If he sees women with big breasts walking by, it could affect him.

It could speed up the process.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, man.

Oh!

We seem to have been cut off, so I'm going to cut the line.

We're having a heat wave.

Fucking heat wave.

Hello?

Oh, they hung up before I could start.

I can't get her singing.

Oh, shit.

Welcome to voicemail.

The person you have called is unavailable.

Please leave a message after the tone.

There, that's the voicemail left for them.

And in the process, I hung up on Milkman.

Now Milkman will be confused why I have disconnected.

Watch.

What happened?

Why'd you hang up on me?

Scott Pierce.

Huh?

Hey, buddy.

buddy. Sorry I hit the wrong hang.

I lost you.

Sorry, man.

Alright.

Alright. Well, let's see if there's

any request-a-pranks here, eh?

Yeah.

Requestoids.

Requestoids, yeah.

Welcome to my new inbox.

I have a new inbox, according to Google.

Thank you. Got it.

We do have a request-a-prank here

from Ken. Yay!

And also RBCP. He sends in great stuff.

remember the car dame pranks this lady just got called in and left a message for me to call her

back she sounds legit sounds like a black woman so your name is roy and you have hit her car

and left a note i still get tons of messages for these most of them are fake left by fans of the

youtube machine but occasionally there's a real one this one could be fake but it sounds pretty

real to rbcp well all right we'll take your word for it buddy let's try it all right we don't have

have a name but she is apparently a negro i'm sorry that's horrible it's a black girl a lady

african-american woman the most oppressed uh person oh you could get that out in this country

right obviously what you figured that out from the spelling yes people keep saying i look like

george zimmerman you know fuck you guys that's a racist comment to make in the chat room you're

jealous we all look the same your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system

them damn it try it again i

hate Miss Piggy.

I always wanted to punch her right across the stupid bitch.

Don't you just want to kick Miss Piggy in the chest and launch her across the room sometimes, Milkman?

I fucking hate her, man.

She's annoying.

I hate that bitch.

Your call has been forwarded to a...

Yeah.

Anyway.

Let's try a swap shop call, I guess, because there was no answer from the carding.

Maybe we'll try it later.

Sorry, Brad.

I tried.

Okay.

Okay, we will be having a yard sale in Saturday.

In Saturday?

There's no phone number for that, so never mind.

Fuck.

2005 Model 3 bedroom, two bath for sale.

That's a house.

Eh, not feeling it.

Looking for the gentleman that was looking to buy used appliances in bulk.

I have several to sell.

Please call me at this number.

Okay, here we go.

I am the gentleman.

I am the gentleman looking for appliances.

Let's do it, Milkman.

All right.

right maybe a roommate share one bed now that's not an appliance milkman but thank you yes there

you go something straight between you straight between well shit not having much luck tonight

milkman this is a sad excuse for a show very sad oh no it's all right bro we didn't you know we

actually are getting some calls from me our old numbers you know he's not here live tonight so

maybe he'll show up a little bit later maybe all right here's a different person who's selling a

a dining table with chairs thank god the chairs come with it milkman what would you do the stand

of the table hello hi honey i see you have a dining room table with six chairs yes i do thank

god you have the chairs right yeah because then what would you do you get on your knees and sit

and eat you know or you stand there like an animal uh-huh yeah do you have any dogs in the

the house that have been around this stuff we do yeah but she she doesn't get around them or on

them or anything does she scratch the legs on it or pee on it no no no no does she does the dog

spray pardon me does the dog spray her scent no no corners and stuff no okay that's good and

is it a dark colored wood or cherry wood or what is it uh it's dark colored uh there is some veneer

on the table and under underneath um just ignore that underneath the table it says aruba pecan

aruba pecan oh that tastes good you ever had one of those i've had those no that's the treewood

listen now do you have did you have any kids around the table uh there there have been kids

here my grandkids have been here eating it but they don't live here they come to visit once or

twice a year but do they put have they put boogers on under it and stuff like that no sir no can do

you mind if i check with a black light to see if there's boogers there like under the under the

table you know kids they pick their nose and they stick the boogers under the table that's disgusting

right i i don't think you're serious about this oh i'm i'm not interested please are there are

Are there any semen stains?

Semen.

Milkman, semen.

She sounded giddily, dude.

I think it's bugger covered, man.

That's just why she escaped so quickly.

God.

She fleed from the soiled table reference.

There are boogers.

They're like freaking stalactites.

Anger hawks.

Yeah.

I forgot to post the update on Facebook and Twitter.

Whoops.

All right, here we go.

I'll do that now.

I always forget one little thing.

You know, I did a show two days ago in the afternoon.

and I called Milkman to see if he wanted to be on.

He's like, no, I don't want to be on, no.

I don't want to be on, I don't want to be on.

We got a call back from somebody.

Let's listen.

Quiet, Milkman.

Someone called back, didn't say anything.

So that would likely be the last number we called before,

which is the person wanting to sell some appliances.

So here we go.

Let's return the favor, Milkman.

We're having a heat wave.

Forget it.

I don't want to do that one.

All right.

We got a toolbox for sale with a full fit of Ford Ranger.

or an s10 also needs someone to do bush hogging what's bush hogging milkman oh that's like where

you get like a lot of like growth like wild underbrush it could be briars it could be small

trees maybe you know five you know six feet you know little skinny ones maybe about an inch or so

around they just so you gotta usually gotta take something that can chop a lot of wood and and also

cut down like grass and shit like that so you know different ones are set up differently but

But it's a device to trim back, you know, heavy brush.

Okay.

I always wondered.

I've always heard the term of, you know, bush hogging and, you know, bush hoggers.

They call them brush hogs, too.

It's about the same thing.

That's what I figured.

On the highways, you'll see them.

They got, like, a wheel, and they'll extend it out from the cab.

And it's kind of like a JLG lift, you know, an articulating arm.

And then this guy actually moves these wheels, and it'll cut shit down.

I've seen him do it before.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've seen that.

I've seen that with driving on the highways.

It's kind of like a big saw blade.

Yeah, kind of.

It looks fun as hell to do.

It's about like six feet around, so that's why it makes such a flat cut.

You know, everything looks flat after it goes through it, you know.

Nice, man.

It illuminates, yeah.

Imagine that six-foot fucking blade coming at you.

Hey, buddy, let me trim your hair.

I would love that job, you know, do that.

And then I'd jump off, and then I'd find any ant mounds, and I'd kick them over.

Oh, fuck, yeah, man.

Florida would be perfect for that.

Find the fire ants, right?

Yeah, you kick them, kick them.

Fuck you.

Kiss them all.

Fuck you, ants.

Get all the angry.

Ants.

I used to do that when I was a kid for some reason.

I always kick ant mouths.

Magnifying glass trick.

I discovered that about kindergarten, man.

I'm not kidding.

I put gasoline on a few of them.

I used to put hot water.

You could boil hot water and dump on it.

Oh, boil water.

Yes, the old ladies used to do that.

No one's available to.

Yeah, hot water, man.

They still come back anyway.

They come back anyway, but at least hot water will slow them down for a while.

Yeah, boil that water.

you've been bit by fire ants before you guys don't have them up here where you're at do you

i don't know if they're i mean they'll eventually spread up here isn't that the whole thing

what they say yeah yeah the fire ants will take over the country you know what i use that keyboard

cleaner stuff for what you're trying to do milkman stick it in there go yeah it comes all out

that's good stuff that comes out save that man anyway hey uh man i had an oh what was the fuck

i had something i was gonna bring up damn it man what was i just talking about i found a

new cool game dude yeah you gotta look at android hey hang on before that before that before that

milkman um i was gonna ask you i just lost i was asking oh yeah whatever happened with the

killer bees remember the whole killer bee scare that was going on for a while oh yeah they're

still out there but not as bad they got some hybrids that came out of it yeah they they had

them mix in with uh like regular honeybees right and they got more african bees are more aggressive

and they produce a lot more honey than than european bees so but they're different size

also but they thought well if we get these honey producers in there we'll we'll get a lot of honey

out of them and they'll be calm or halfway calm like a regular bee but not so doesn't

fuckers one gets started then they all come in man and it's just crazy yeah well they'll they'll

fall they say they'll chase you up to like a mile and shit like that yeah dude they'd be a pissed

stoffman almost like a hornet but they're a bee well what they did i found out i recently heard a

few years ago how they started like trying to limit their spread is that they changed the size

of the hole into the hive africans can't fit in i think they're a little bit bigger so they can't

get into the hive but the little ones can the regular you know the european ones so then they

don't get to take over and do that shit right all right all right cool so they like yeah they cut

cut the door a little tighter and then the big bees couldn't get in it but after that i haven't

heard too much since then but that was the last thing i heard that's probably within

one to two years wow man africanized bees yeah but they've been saying like since the 80s they

were like they always like you watch the movie you don't remember do you there's a movie called

killer bees and they showed it it was fucking hilarious man do you remember that movie i don't

know i mean i don't know the movie i just i know i've seen they ended up listening to this day

I think it was in Texas, and I think they went into, like, a big football stadium,

maybe, like, you know, the Dallas Cowboys Stadium or something,

and took them in there and then cooled it down.

And that's the only way they could stop them, man, because, you know, it was so hot, right?

And they would get all active, but cooling slows their activity down.

So they put them in.

That's how they stopped them was they put them into a big superdome somewhere.

Wow, really?

They put them in the Astrodome in Houston.

That's what it was.

Yeah, whatever.

Yeah, that's right, Astrodome.

them i don't know i'm just making that up that's funny they put them in the astrodome and then they

imploded it yeah but they did they froze their asses out in the movie that was the premise of

it so as long as the heat keeps on coming man i think that the ants will be moving quickly man

they don't like cold oh man so that's the whole thing you know this weather changes the world man

you know people like oh man that's cool well fuck that global warming shit okay well wait

until you step on a pile of them fucking ants

and they sting the side of your leg

and you got all these little pustules

everywhere them fuckers sting. You ever got stung by one?

No. By what?

Oh, yeah. On the feet a few times.

Fire ants? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the toxin is like a nasty

bacteria. Yeah, it's like a pimple

but you can't pop it. It's very painful

and it doesn't pop. Well, it's bacteria and they're poison.

Well, yeah, I've gotten a few

of those. Those are the worst.

Darn, man. Bigger than pimples, too.

Yeah, is that Brianna?

yeah how are you i see that you're in the need of a washer and dryer do you still need one because

i have one i'm trying to get rid of for free oh yes all right the only problem is like sometimes

we had to use it like the toilet you know but we had to use it as a toilet sometimes but it works

perfectly it cleans it's clean all sanitized i'll put some bleach in there and chlorine tablets and

pneumonia at the same time i'm gonna clean it out for you all right it works it works good i just

there were a few times that the bathroom here wasn't working so we would use it we would pee

and poop and yeah she hung up she's like now i'm trying to give her free stuff get to the poop you

fart oh my she's not a game player what a bitch playing fucking games tropical heat wave hello

Hey, yes, I understand we're having a tropical heat wave.

I promise.

I'm sorry.

I promise I got this dryer and washer for you, okay?

Stop calling his number.

Well, here's the one thing.

Look, honey baby, the dryer.

I never took a shit in the dryer.

Oh, man.

You heard them back there?

Yeah, only the microwave, ma'am.

Only the microwave was used to shit in.

Hey, can I connect Ted or you don't want Ted on the line?

Big Ted Webb.

i think you were saying yeah man ted's cool ted web you are online i am hi hello hey you're calling

the other you're calling the other skype this is the one for show there's a show skype right and

then there's the other one because the other one my normal skype it got um i called too many people

one night and skype uh flagged it so you can't call out you can skype to skype but you can't

call landlines with it anymore so i had to get a new account for this for the show purposes how

you doing man great great how you be i can't get in the chat room no says server is full oh shit

really we're hitting you very popular man i guess so i'm gonna have to get more seats for the server

i guess if that's really different people i don't know if it is milk it was shown a while back dude

I haven't logged on recently here, but it was showing full and rejecting people from coming in.

Was it really?

I've seen it in the op.

Yeah, you've got to look in the op log, and you'll see it.

Yeah.

Do you have to pay for more slots or something?

Yeah, after a certain point, I have to pay for more.

I'm going to have to start doing that.

Yeah, we're just becoming...

Do we have DCC and file transfer and that shit or not?

I don't know.

I think I took all that out because it was costing too much money for all those services.

Dude, that's going to run our bandwidth up, and that's probably going to get it shut down, too.

I didn't know.

I just thought of that, you know?

I've got a server that I could run an IRC on if you want.

That'd be nice.

That's good.

You don't do an IRC server on your own anymore, right?

You used to, but you don't.

I used to.

Do you still drink vodka, or did you quit?

Vodka?

I never drank no vodka.

He drinks wine.

Oh, that's right.

No, I thought you was somebody else there.

I drink beer.

All right.

You're confusing Ted with KDK.

He doesn't know why he drinks vodka.

Oh, fuck you.

Anyway.

Not that there's anything wrong with him.

Did you see he got attacked by his boyfriend?

Yeah, you told me about that.

He got, like, knifed in the face.

Yeah.

That was, God, I feel bad.

And then I haven't heard from him ever since.

I was lost.

I hope he's all right.

I haven't called him or nothing.

Maybe he's in therapy.

Maybe.

I hope he's all right, though.

He hasn't been around.

He really could stand the benefit if he had a little, like, you know, not, like, physical therapy, but, like, you know, like, especially, like, with relationships, man, because that sucks, dude.

got his fucking face cut yeah that's crazy i'm sure that's the worst thing man that's the worst

thing man the guy tried to take his eye out or something man fuck that guy is like uh drunk bill

and he's been associated with that dude forever yeah like since they were really young right like

much younger like high school kind of or just after high school i think i don't know there's

a whole weird triangle with him and some other broad and keith and it's weird i don't know

Anybody ever heard from Keefe

anymore since they broke up back in the

day? I mean, he just kind of like fell off the mat

in the masturbator.

He's done. He's doing his own thing now, I guess.

He did prank calls

for a little while.

He did a show for a little while.

I remember he was going to be with a girl

and that's what pissed off KDK.

He was going to quit

hanging out and screwing KDK

and was going to get a girl.

That was the whole triangle thing.

I think KDK caught him with that girl from the gas station or something that was friends with Bill.

Something like that, but I didn't think KDK was in on that.

I thought it was just Keith.

Yeah, it was a Keith thing, yeah, but that's how they broke up.

Anyway, let's not talk about the guy, all right?

Yeah.

Never mind.

That's his business, you know?

Moving right along.

This is big business.

I call it big business, and I expect big business.

Yes.

Yeah.

KDK is small business.

All right.

We've got a half-full-blooded, long-haired chihuahua with no papers.

No papers.

Hi.

Hi, you want dog papers?

I'm going to call the Nazi.

Where are your papers, Jordan?

Where are your dog's papers?

You know, do you guys ever call people on Craigslist?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, okay.

Some dumbasses leave their numbers on there.

It's fun.

Yeah, we do.

It's fun.

There's a lot of one-bedroom apartments for share.

Hello?

Yeah, do you have a Chihuahua?

Yes, I do.

With no papers?

No, no papers.

Where are your papers, Juden?

I'm sorry?

Where are your papers, Juden?

What?

Where are your papers, Juden?

We will put you on the train.

Oh, she's gone.

I was going to tell her the whole story about the train.

Get you on my train.

We'll put your dog on the train to Stobie Bar.

I'm going to skip the thousand Russian.

No.

Yes.

No.

What's wrong?

I plugged in a Bluetooth speaker thing in it.

You have reached the voice mailbox of...

Oh, man.

I wanted to tell her the whole train thing.

That was awesome.

She was kind of offended.

Like, what?

What do you mean the papers?

I like the papers, man.

All right.

Well.

Let's call some Indian restaurants.

Okay.

The only Indian restaurants I have are in Australia.

Where it's...

What time is it now?

It is now noon.

There are Australian restaurants in Hawaii.

I'm not Australian.

Indian restaurants in Hawaii.

Yeah, but these are in Australia.

It's lunchtime, so it should be pretty hopping for them right now.

And we have found, I know you might not have heard these,

but we've been calling these Indian restaurants in Australia,

myself and some of the other shows on the Madhouse Network,

and they're extra angry.

Extra awesome.

Yeah, they're extra bitchy.

Contankerous.

Yeah, that's the word.

That's a good word.

I was looking for a good term for it.

Okay.

This one is just veggies.

I guess they're just a vegetarian one.

That means they're going to be all compassionate and kind.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

As a matter of fact, they're all Gandhi Indian.

Like, oh, yes, please hit me again.

If it makes you feel better.

Yes.

All right.

Masala Art Instant Indian Restaurant and Takeaway.

Instant Indian Restaurant.

Instant India.

They just have a bunch of microwaves there, I guess.

It's freezing the shit.

Oh, I thought she was going to tell me it's a truck, man.

on one of the road garages.

It's like they couldn't call it fast food.

They had to say instant.

Oh, there's one in San Francisco, too.

Is there really?

Nice.

Instant.

From the plane.

You should meet there for lunch

and then have Carlito call in.

You want to do this, Ted,

or are you chilling?

Yeah.

Hey, how's it going?

Yep.

Why don't Indian men

like to wear condoms?

What's up with that?

Sorry?

I said, why don't Indian men

like to wear condoms?

Who say you?

No, I tell...

You know, in India,

India, they have so many condoms, but the men, they don't put them on their penises.

They use them in the roads and on the roofs.

So what can I do?

Explain to me why Indian men don't wear condoms.

Go to the Indian embassy and ask them.

No, I'm asking you.

Do you put on condoms?

No.

Why?

You go to them, you have to wear the condoms.

Do you like to go to the brothel?

Is it fun?

Who are you, man?

My name is Raj.

Raj?

Yeah, Tandoori Raj.

Yeah, so what can I do for you?

I'd like to make an order, please.

Yep.

Okay, I'd like one chicken tikka masala.

Yep.

One tandoori naan.

Yep.

One papadum.

Yep.

One pilau rice.

No pilau rice.

I got the pilau rice.

And one your mother and two your sister.

And one veggie samosa.

Call your number and give your number to the policeman.

Don't worry.

Call your number.

Oh, no, no, don't do that.

That would be very bad.

Yeah, I go to number, and within one hour, you go to court from the police.

Don't worry.

Will they wear condoms?

Thank you, Baba.

Will they wear condoms?

Yep.

I fuck you.

Sorry, I thought he had already hung up, but will they wear condoms?

I don't know, it was crazy.

I was reading today about how, like, they have so many condoms in India, but the guys won't wear them.

Instead, they use them to, like, reinforce their roofs to make them waterproof from monsoons.

Or they use them when they repave the roads to make the roads less likely to crack.

That's what they're using the condoms for there.

It's practical reasons.

At least we're not just letting them waste.

That's awesome.

Waterproofing shit with condoms, Milkman.

Disgusting.

Wow.

Milkman's like, I've been doing it wrong this whole time.

I thought you were supposed to use them on the roof.

yeah i think once years ago i saw a weird video which was like an indian uh campaign a psa campaign

for them to start using condoms more and it was these dancing penises with condoms on them

that were singing this song see if i could find that hang on i have i mean i know at some point

i saw this was like some kind of indian condom psa and it was penises dance indian it's got to

to be out there condom psa let's see let's see what youtube gets for me yeah i found one psa

condom usage yeah there we go yeah yeah yeah yeah engage make it so let me see a public service

announcements announcement to prevent sexually transmitted infections and hiv yeah it's it's uh

condoms like penises walking around i am the condom friend ever useful to you all right let

I'm going to post a link here for everyone to see in the IRC.

I'm going to grab it here real quick, and we'll continue with some more pranks.

There you go.

You know, as a matter of fact, I think I can put that on video.

Eh, maybe not.

He's saying he's sealed with lubricant.

Never forget me.

You should call the guy back and play that.

All right, let me do that.

see if i can remember which number was his though what did i say it was called the masala art here

we go okay oh shit i was playing the background act like a doctor here twice yes hello i'd like

to make an order please hello hello yes i'd like to make an order please yeah man all right

one tandoori raj yep one order of papa doms huh i don't know if he could hear the lyrics or not

Maybe that's what caused the hang-up.

I do not know.

Okay, let's continue here with another one.

This will be the Chutney Marie Tandoori and Curry House, also in Australia.

Chutney, yeah.

Is chutney always from apples?

The only chutney I've ever had was made of apples.

Is that the case, or am I completely off there?

I don't know anything about chutney.

I know people put it on pork chops.

That's all I know.

It's like a garnish, kind of, you know?

Like mint jelly.

Chutney is kind of like a jam, like a preserve.

Thank you, sir.

Hello, Chutney Mary's.

Yes, hello.

I would like to make an order.

Do you have any mango chutney?

Yes, we do.

Okay.

And how do you make it?

Do you make it there or does it come already?

We make it here.

Is it organic?

Just a moment.

Okay.

Somebody is asking for chutney.

Hello, Bhenchod.

How are you, buddy?

Good.

I was asking about the mango chutney that you make there.

You make it by hand?

I make it here because you don't.

Oh, no.

So that woman was lying that she said you make it there.

She's stupid.

She doesn't know about it.

She's a stupid woman.

Yeah, but she hasn't said that.

Yeah, because, I mean, she's a stupid woman.

All women don't know what's going on, right?

You know what I mean.

Yeah.

Anyway, you tell me what you want.

All right, I'd like one.

Do you have Papa Dom's there?

You make your own Papa Dom's?

And samosa?

Okay, I'll have order a samosa for two people.

Four pieces?

How many pieces can I put in my mouth at the same time?

I think I could put, like, eight.

Have you tried that ever?

Don't worry.

Come on, just be serious.

hey listen don't be i'm busy here please don't muck around give me your sister give me your

give me your sister again so i can fuck her in front of you i'll show you how to fuck oh he was

getting angry but i show you come front and i show you come front of me don't muck around

don't muck around guys he said hi banshee he's like hello level two you want me to call the

police i'm just tracking down your number now i dare you yeah i'm untouchable that's all right

I'm untouchable.

I'm untraceable.

You can't trace me.

Don't look around.

I don't know what the weird little jingle there was at the beginning.

Whatever.

Lonesome's here.

Milkman.

Lonesome's here.

Yay.

All right.

Yeah.

All hands held high, man.

That was it, man.

Yeah.

Smiley Ford got around.

Never fear.

The Maricone is here.

All right.

Meena, meena.

How

here's a, how about a McDonald's in Hawaii?

What do you think about that?

Why not?

Something to do?

Yeah.

What in the heck?

In Hawaii?

McDonald's in Hawaii.

Yes, sir.

Like a McPoy or Poi, is that stuff?

Isn't it that rotten bamboo?

No, what it is is they take and grind up a root called.

Oh, taro.

And then they ferment it.

And that's what you get.

Poi.

Hi, Pro-Fan McDonald.

Erin speaking.

Can I help you?

Hey, do you have anything with Poi on it?

I'm sorry?

Do you have anything with that poi stuff?

Poi.

Poi, yeah, you know, poi.

You know that poi stuff, honey?

You know what I'm talking about?

You talking about for the Happy Meal toy?

Yeah.

The ME2.

22?

We have the size 8.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, it's number 8.

Only number 8.

What comes with it, number 8?

Well, I don't know what it is.

Hey, don't be stupid, all right?

Listen, what comes with the number 8?

Last time I had the number 8, I had to go number 2.

Yeah, how long after my son eats the number 8 until he has to poop, take a shit in his diaper?

Until it's finished already.

It's finished, so he eats it and he doesn't have to go shit in a diaper at all?

Oh, I don't know if we still have it.

Look, my wife's out for the week, so I need to change the diapers.

You know what I mean?

If I can change as few diapers as I need to this weekend, I'd appreciate it.

So how long will he have to be until he has to take a shit in the diaper?

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow, you think, he'll take a shit in the diaper?

Yeah, because we have a stock tomorrow, maybe tomorrow.

All right, so it takes about half a day until he has to take a shit?

Maybe by Saturday.

By 5.30, you think tomorrow in the morning he'll have a shit?

No, in the evening.

In the evening, you think he'll have a shit?

Okay, so it'll be a while until he has to take a shit.

That's good.

What about when he has to take a piss?

Because then he has to change the diaper if he takes a piss also.

You know?

Hello?

Saturday morning?

Yeah.

Okay.

All right, that's...

Are you looking for the number?

Do you speak Tagalog?

Yeah.

Oh, do you know Peck Peck?

I'm sorry?

Do you know Peck Peck?

You like Peck Peck?

Peck Peck.

Yeah.

You know who that is?

No.

I thought you spoke Tagalog.

I am, but I don't know what is that.

Peck peck.

You know the girl?

You know, she does peck peck with the boy.

You know?

All right, I guess you don't know.

You're stupid.

Okay, just come down on Saturday.

Yeah, I'll come.

All right.

All right, yeah, asshole.

Okay.

Thanks for nothing.

Her ability to forecast your bowel movements.

My son's bowel movements.

I don't even know how old I am.

Maybe one day.

maybe saturday well without even knowing how old this kid is what what happened she thought you

were saying ship coming in she said saturday at 5 30 i know that's why she kept saying all the

ship the ship oh it's coming in this side that comes that's what she's thinking yeah i was i

thought she thought i said shift but i guess you're right i thought it was shift the ship

saturday 5 30 but you said then you missed that yeah no i knew she i knew she had to be thinking

I thought it was shift.

I think you're right.

What is shift?

Ship.

Yeah.

You thought the boat, right?

Where the hell did you call it?

Hawaii, right?

Ship, yeah.

Yeah, there must be a cruise ship that comes in, a big one that comes in.

There must be one near her at Friday at 530.

Yeah.

Well, you know, you were in the Virgin Islands.

You know, it's big news when, you know, everyone knows the day the cruise ship comes in.

Everybody gets their pocketbooks out.

Oh, yeah, man.

Make a lot of money, all those.

and they spend like mad too man it's just like amazing it's just like just like the rum they

take home and they just put the cash house man you can get the rum down there for two bucks

just taxis for a bottle man just taxi drivers on the virgin islands look man you ever think of that

taxi driving to virgin islands yeah man but i don't have that kind of money man i don't even

know how much of a dine is now it used to be about like 80 000 i think back then what what

What was $80,000?

A medallion.

And then you get to drive.

Have you ever been there and rode around the taxis?

You never did go on the island, did you?

I've been to the Virgin Islands, yeah, but I've never gotten a taxi there.

I've always just walked.

Each island is different.

Yeah, I've always just walked because they fixed up St. Thomas where you can just come right off the boat and you're right there.

They have a whole little shit going on there.

Boy, it's a lot different because it's really big and expansive and lots of people and lots of entry, so spread out.

so they've got these vans that drive a basically a circular route all the way from frederickstead

at one end the island back up the creek yeah and it's a flat fee and you get on the thing

and it only costs you uh 20 bucks two or three dollars i think it went up to three i left i

don't know that little i thought it was way more technically write a circle i guess you could

technically do that for five bucks or two bucks or three whichever one it was now they went up

up to three just for like i quit in taxis yeah dude i don't know i don't know oh so they get

they get okay they get three dollars a clip they get three dollars a clip so you know just think

how many three dollars hop in man bro you wouldn't believe it man yeah because you do a few rounds

you're taking people to the beach you're picking them up from the beach you know what i mean

there's other ways to get around they got public transportation but it's totally screwed it's just

as bad way worse than here man yeah no no it'll it shows up it shows up when it wants to kind of

thing you know and yeah bro you know i don't i will be on cruising time my son yeah exactly no

but but the problem is if you're in a cruise ship you got to be back at a certain time or

you're going to get stranded you know and you got to take a ticket then you got to take a you

got to buy a plane ticket yeah it fucking sucks anyway here's the lone star steakhouse in guam

let's see what's up with guam the island republic of guam let's call them

Someone was talking about Meatspin, so I decided to play Leakspin.

Thank you for calling Lone Star Steakhouse.

Can I help you?

Hey, Boradar, honey baby, I'm from the Lone Star Republic,

and I'm excited for the Lone Star Steakhouse.

You guys got big Texas-sized motherfucking steaks there?

Yeah.

How big are the steaks?

You got the five-pound steak that you eat in an hour and it's free?

I'm sorry?

Do you have the five-pound steak that if you eat it in one hour, it's free with all the

sides, but if not, you pay $100?

No?

No, we don't have it that big.

Oh.

So what do you like there?

What's good?

Do you have potatoes?

Yeah, we have baked potato.

We have sweet potato also.

Oh, can I take my shoes off when I come in?

I like to take my shoes off and let the bunions breathe, you know what I mean?

I'm not sure if you can take your shoes off, though.

Can you find out?

Okay, one moment.

Thank you, honey.

Oh, she sounds hot.

Yeah, you sound hot, by the way.

I just want you to know that.

All right, she does sound all right.

She sounds all sexed up.

She's a good dickin'.

It's not good home music.

Yeah, it is.

i have no idea what she's saying is this italian no i think it's no not japanese

i think i'm gonna drop it into google translate

it's definitely not japanese it was portuguese no it wasn't portuguese it sounded more like

something like south asian like korean no not even it doesn't even sound korean but maybe like

vietnam laos somewhere down in that neighborhood but kind of sound like you hear how the music

was playing. Real simple.

Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

Google can't detect the language.

It's Canadian?

No, Google can't detect the language.

It's Canadian.

Well, I heard him

do a pigeon because it said something

and then they started going doodle doodle.

Who said that?

My manager.

What's the manager's name?

I have a question.

Do you take Hawaiian money?

Hawaiian money?

Yeah, I have some Hawaiian currency I'm trying to, you know, use up.

I'll just go ahead and have you talk to my manager.

Okay.

Bye.

One moment.

I was going to flirt with her, Ted.

Thanks a lot, man.

Now play the music.

That's awesome.

Okay.

It might be a Vietnamese trying that sound Italian.

She's ad-libbing, man.

Yeah, I think she's ad-libbing.

It's Leak's been 10 hours.

What's with all these 10-hour videos?

It's 10, I don't know.

We've been on hold a while.

Trying to get a manager.

He's probably busy there.

sorry i cock blocked you no that's good you're right i'm married i'm supposed to stay on don't

try stay in the course horses

i won't do that we'll hang up and call back maybe you got faster

or service. The German National Anthem.

Yeah, that's what that is.

That's what they were listening to.

Tell her you'll use odor heaters.

I was going to ask her for a hot bowl

of water to wash my feet

with some Epsom salt.

But anyway, here's a

Sofra Kebab Express. These are fresh

off the Lonesome Loser.

Oh, shit. Hang on. I need more water.

I'm thirsty. I'm going to grab a beer, actually.

No, I don't want a beer. I'm going to get some

more water, though. So I've got to play a prank call

and I'll be right back.

uh let me see what i'll play there

that's that song

who was that sambo and the blues crew

i don't know dude but sounded pretty darn hot you guys got a good band going over there

my buddy man that was old man cornmeal in the background

brown yo yo yo hip-hop old cornmeal i'm naming the guy all right i can do it no this is easy

one moment please zero one one six to the beginning of it apparently that should work

let's give that a shot i didn't get the name though presuming i understood it right as well

it's connecting the cost of this call is four cents per minute somebody what's four cents from

all of malacca's listen you malacca who is this are you this is valente you understand where's

Where's my shit?

What?

Are you the manager?

Who are you calling from?

I'm calling from the United States of America.

And I have a complaint against your lobster man, Homerus Americanus.

Yes.

Are you the manager or the owner?

Yes, the manager.

Are you the manager?

Huh?

Yes.

Listen, I called over there and these people got fresh on the phone with me.

They stole my wallet and they made damage to my car.

Who stole your wallet?

The person that works there stole my wallet.

Who?

The guy with the shoes and the hair.

The guy with?

Shoes and hair.

Who stole your wallet?

Yeah, they stole my wallet and he works there.

I want the money back right now.

I want you to give me $300 right now.

When?

Listen, don't make me go down there in a Suzuki fucking samurai fucking ninja bike

and fucking do some damage to you, you understand?

I will hurt you.

I will bring you down.

I'll bring down a rain of terror on your house and your neighborhood.

I will make you wish you were never born, you son of a bitch.

Where's my $300?

No, you are calling from when?

I don't understand what your situation now.

I'm calling from Chicago in the United States of America.

We are in Malaysia right now.

I know. I want you to give me 300 United States dollars.

For?

For you to buy my snake oil.

So you are in Malaysia or what?

I'm in America, stupid. I'm in Chicago.

You are in Chicago and you say we in Malaysia stole your wallet?

Well, no, I made that up so you give me money, but now I'm going to force it out of you.

You give me 300 dollars.

Why don't you give me your money?

No, no. I'm calling you to get the money out of you.

No, no, no. You are in Malaysia or what?

No, I'm in America.

You are in Malaysia or what?

United States.

You are in America and you say that we stole your wallet?

Yes.

I want money from you.

Why?

Because I just want your money because I'm a rude person.

I'm American.

I call people and I tell them to give me money.

Then you report to the police.

No, no, no.

No, you report to the police.

No, no, no.

You don't want me to get the police involved in this because there will be trouble for you.

Then?

Mm-hmm.

I don't understand your situation.

You are in Chicago and you say you want me to give you 300 U.S. dollars.

Yes, because I lost my wallet.

When?

Today.

Today, stupid.

Listen, are you a woman or a man?

No, hello.

Are you a woman or a man?

Today, in where?

In Chicago.

In Chicago, you lost your wallet and you played?

Well, I'm going to sue you if you don't want the money right now.

You'll sue me?

It was a Malaysian.

Yeah, they hung up.

At least you stayed on that long.

You're getting cocky, boy.

That was funny.

You won't sue me.

the cost of this call is four cents per minute whoa four dollars a minute four cents a minute

listen if you don't stop it and if you don't get serious with me you're going to be in a big

trouble with me and the united states of america there could be no no no big problem you go and

report that united states no listen in chicago but you're claiming in malaysia no because it's

a malaysian man who stole my wallet who is the malaysian man his name is i don't know he's got

That's a stupid Malaysian name.

And he stole my wallet, so...

Shiro, I don't know who is Shiro.

I know, but this...

And how do you get my number?

I've looked it up.

How do you get my number?

The embassy gave it to me.

The embassy gave it to you then?

Yes.

You tell the embassy involved in this.

Oh, no, you're already involved.

You sent me this money.

No, no.

What?

We're going to bring you to the...

I stole your wallet.

I'm going to sue you.

I stole your wallet.

No, a Malaysian man stole my wallet, so now you pay.

So if every Malaysian man in the U.S. involves me...

Well, yeah, you're down here on the list that you're the person that you get sued.

Hey, I'm not a prime minister of Malaysia or what.

I'm just a manager of a restaurant.

So, sue me for what?

You come to Malaysia and claim me.

You come and sue me.

No, no, no, no.

No, please.

You come and sue me.

I'll wait for you, okay?

I'm a senator.

You understand?

You know what a senator is?

I'm going to sue you.

I have power.

I can make things happen.

Okay, you come, you come.

I'll wait for you.

Where's my $300?

You have the...

Pardon?

You sent me my...

You have the ingredient, you have the anything, you can come.

I'm going to go down.

Do you have a toilet there?

You...

Listen, do you have a toilet there?

Do you have toilets in Malaysia?

You're talking nonsense.

No, no, do you use a toilet or do you go outside?

Are you talking to the right person?

Do you make a toilet outside or inside the house?

Are you talking to a right person?

Yeah, I'm talking to the asshole manager of the restaurant.

And?

Well, I'm saying...

I don't understand why he does it.

Answer me the question.

Why is it related to me?

Do you have a toilet?

Why is it related to me?

Because I need to know...

Why is it related to me?

Please answer my question.

It's part of the case.

Part of the case.

The case against you.

Why me?

Why me, please?

You have to answer about the toilet first.

Tell me why me.

No, you tell me first about if you have a toilet or not.

and then I'll tell you the truth.

You go and report this to the FBI or police

or tell me you want to...

Listen, listen, I'm going to use your toilet.

I'm going to make a...

I'm going to give her a story about the toilet.

Okay, a story about the toilet, everybody.

Malaysian Toilet Busters.

When was that one?

That was a while ago.

I meant to...

That was seven minutes long, sorry,

but I started listening to it.

I wanted to hear the rest of it.

No, it was pretty good, actually.

It was one of them classics, man.

A two-parter.

Yes, it was.

Each one stands alone, man.

You are looking like nonsense.

So my wallet got stolen by the Malaysians, so I called Malaysia to complain about it.

I like the name of your bike.

I'm going to come over and ride my Suzuki Samurai Ninja.

I want my money.

That's all they do is ride.

Everyone rides a bike over there, man.

Suzuki Samurai Ninja.

There's barely any cars in Southeast Asia.

All right.

right i hope you all got to see that video again i posted in the chat earlier of dancing indian

condoms talking about uh talking about uh stds and the condoms these are condoms here there's

a blue condom that's ribbed a yellow one a pink one and i think a green one okay let's continue

on with the show let's see what else we have to call here lonesome sent in a ton of numbers

including that kebab express let's call that that's what i had for dinner tonight it was

Chicken kebabs

I made chicken kebabs

I diced chicken

And did some

What did I do?

I did some green pepper, you know

And some onion

Onion petals

That's what the song's all about

It's about having safe sex

With Banchu

Thank you for calling

Yes, hello

Hello, this is kebab place.

Yeah, sofa kebab.

Good.

Do you have chicken tandoori?

Chicken tandoori?

Yes.

No, I have chicken kebab with chicken on it.

Chicken Adana.

You have samosa?

Again?

This isn't Indian food then?

This is Turkish.

It's Turkish food?

Yeah.

Oh, that's disgusting crap food.

That's...

Okay, hold on one second, okay?

Okay.

yes this is turkish food sorry this is turkish food not indian no this is turkish well i don't

want it because i'm greek and the turkish food is disgusting uh people i'm from i'm from greece

yeah you heard him bitching back there he said that you malaka you take his food this is crap

He's all talking shit in the background.

Turkish ass.

Yes, listen.

Do you use condom?

No.

No?

Because you fucked your sister.

He likes to raw dog it.

Yeah.

When you fuck your sister, you don't use condom?

No.

No?

Okay.

Okay, Turkish bastard.

Malaka.

Bye.

Hey.

That's what I had to say

I've never had Turkish gum

It has no flavor whatsoever

No, gum, no, Turkish gum

I had a Turkish friend growing up

He used to bring back gum from Turkey

It had no flavor whatsoever

It's just gum

Maybe you need to put gravy on top of that

With Turkish gum

Mashed eggs, dip it down in there

Turkey gum

Savory gum

Tabasco

hello yes hello is this greek restaurant yes it is okay i would like to make a order are we closing

nine o'clock all right you had enough time to make some malacca over there right who you have

enough time to make some malacca over there for me right malacca yeah i don't think so man you

have enough time you go to the bathroom make some malacca you stupid asshole fuck you too man bitch

Bitch.

Bathard.

Asshole.

Motherfucker.

Pusties.

Cuckucker.

Pusties.

You thought it was funny.

I told him he had time to go to the bathroom and jerk off, basically.

All right.

You met your match.

My match was met.

I matched my meat.

Okay, here we go with the Olive Pit Mediterranean Grill.

The Olive Pit?

Yeah.

It's on the boulder.

That's the part you can't eat, man.

Don't you hate it when you bite on an olive and it's not pitted and you didn't know?

Grind your teeth on the pit.

I curse.

Thank you for calling the Olive Hidden Bread.

This is the phone so I can help you.

I bit into an olive over there, and it had a pit in it.

I'm sorry?

I bit into an olive, and you left a pit in it.

Yeah, the olives come with a pit in it.

Why don't you warn me before, you asshole?

Why not?

Why don't you warn me that the olives have pits in them, son of a bitch?

You should warn the customers.

It says these olives are not pitted.

Well, pitted olives usually come with a hole in them.

The non-pit olives don't.

That's not so true when you're eating it with a spoon and a fork and a knife.

You don't know what you're doing.

You should have told me about it.

I swallowed the pit and everything.

Am I going to die now?

You're not going to die.

Is it going to come out, or what is it going to go?

Yes.

How long does it take?

24 to 48 hours.

24 to 48 hours, I will see an olive pit in the toilet?

Yes.

Okay, now if not, and it's stuck inside of me,

I'm going to go see my doctor, and I expect to be compensated for it.

That's fine.

You're going to pay for the doctor's appointment and all that,

and for transportation, hotel room stay,

because I go to the best doctor in Los Angeles, Dr. Martinez.

Okay.

Dr. Martinez.

I'm going to go see Dr. Martinez in Los Angeles.

Okay.

And you have to pay for a hotel for me to stay in Los Angeles for two days

so I can go see him.

Okay.

And for airfare.

I'm going to take a train.

I'll take the train.

Okay.

And I'm going to have to buy some books to read.

I'm going to have to buy some books to read.

I'm going to buy a Tom Clancy book.

That's like $8.

And I'll buy a copy of the newspaper.

It's like 50 cents.

Okay.

The hotel.

Let me look on the hotel now to see how much the hotel is going to be.

What kind of hotel can I get?

Can I get a suite or do I have to get just a room?

I have no idea.

Well, I'm asking you what you guys are going to pay for.

yeah but you didn't tell me you didn't warn me about that that's not right that's not right

you're supposed to tell me that it had pits in it all right i'm going to check in monday the 22nd

and i'm going to check out wednesday the 24th okay one bedroom and for one adult for two nights

lights all right and i'm looking here it's the omni los angeles at the california plaza

229 dollars it's in downtown los angeles okay all right so put that down you're gonna pay for that

also you said right probably not you said you're gonna pay for the accommodation we'll pay for

your doctors and not the accommodation you see what about transportation that's not fair that's

not fair i'll be there well i have to go to the doctor i have to stay somewhere where am i going

gonna sleep huh not our responsibility now put the manager on the phone this is the manager is

there a man i can talk to i'm sorry is there a man i can talk to not a woman oh okay that was a

question not a statement the manager yeah but you're not a man can i speak to a real man okay

okay whatever so you're gonna not cover my hotel room after you said you were going to

what about food i can help you yeah i want new olives and no pits in them i'm sorry we don't

You guys can do it.

You have a filleting knife?

You can do it.

No, we don't have that here.

Come on.

Yeah, you can.

You take a knife, a small knife.

You cut a slit in the olive.

You push out the pit, and you throw the pit in the garbage.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

Well, I'm telling you how to do that, how to do the olives for me.

Will you do them for me?

I'll drop the lawsuit if you just give me some olives.

You can't do that for me.

Do your olives come in a can?

All right, I'm done with them.

This is stupid.

He wasn't going to give a chance.

He's going to stay completely professional.

I'm a fucking punk.

Stupid cop.

You should have told her what we used to hear when I was little, okay?

My grandma, she's the smart, right?

She'd say, like, we'd say, well, grandma's going to have my swallow the seed.

Because, like, we used to have a lot of watermelon we grew, and, like, the neighborhood had cherries and stuff.

So, like, every once in a while, you'd swallow the seed.

And they'd tell you, oh, well, a watermelon vine or, you know, or a thing if you ate the seed, you know.

They'd say the cherry tree's going to grow out of your stomach.

Yeah.

So, you'd be like, oh, I'm scared.

Yeah, it's scary.

It's a joke

It is scary, yeah, it's a joke too

because that's not true

You should have asked if it was going to grow out of your stomach

You needed to know that for sure

I got you, brother

Alright, so

there is a convention that started

where we're talking about before

There's a ventriloquist convention in Cincinnati

Oh my god

Oh, holy shit, the children of the Confederacy

also have their convention

That's another one we mentioned

They have their convention this week

also in jackson mississippi and then we also have the old lesbians organizing for change conference

in st louis missouri uh that's this weekend also from the 18th to the 20th um yeah hey guys pay

attention to that anyone doing shows this weekend new news got information on three different

conventions that are going on four i guess cool man let's call the ventriloquist uh convention

mention here here's mark who is the director of the convention i wanted to mention hey back in the

about back in 2004 2003 and 2004 i watched this show called the joe schmoe show on spike tv and

they brought it back for a third season um earlier this year and i've watched them online and it's

it's great basically the premise has always been that you take one guy you have a reality show

But everyone is an actor playing a bit part except for one guy who is basically the mark.

He's made to believe that everything around him is real when it's not.

And they do a bunch of crazy shit to torment him.

He's thinking that he's in a reality show to become the next great bounty hunter.

But they're all messing with him really, really hardcore.

It's really funny.

And you can go to Spike.com.

You can go to the Spike TV website.

and watch the joe schmoe show all the episodes are there it's also on torrent i think but you can

stream it online if you want uh i got two episodes left but it's great i just recommend it for

everybody there's a lot of funny moments in this this season of that show so it's pretty good i'm

glad they brought it back too it was gone it's off the air for like fucking nine years man crazy

all right moving right along there's another greek restaurant called the lucky greek after that we

We have Zuzu Chicken.

I have no idea what Zuzu Chicken is.

Zuzu Chicken, guys.

So that actually was really a Greek, it was actually a Turkish restaurant then, huh?

Yeah.

We cross-connect them too sometime with somebody.

Malak.

Zuzu Chicken.

Thank you for calling Lucky Greek.

Can I help you?

Yes, hi.

I'd like to make an order.

Sure, go ahead.

Okay, one Malaka.

One what, I'm sorry?

Malaka.

We don't serve that?

Do you have any Greeks there?

No, sir.

You don't have any Greeks that work there?

We only have gyros or Greek salads, but anything else, no, sir.

No, do you have any Greek people that work there?

No.

You're all American?

Yes.

Why?

Do you need help? Are you going to order something, sir?

Yeah, but I wanted to be authentic Greek, but there's just...

No, it's just a fast food restaurant.

The only thing that we sell Greek, it's the Greek salad or the gyro sandwich.

Anything else, it's just hamburgers, sandwiches, or salads.

Oh, are they Mexicans that are cooking, or black people, or what are they?

Does it matter, sir?

Yeah, because Mexicans do an okay job.

Black people cook really good, you know?

And white people are just bland.

They don't cook that good.

So who is, do you have Mexicans or blacks?

Oh, they're Mexicans, sir.

Ah, they're okay, you know?

They're okay.

Do you want, let me let you pass these off to the manager, okay?

Okay, honey.

Oh, one second.

Thank you.

Okay, honey, baby.

They're okay.

Hey man, it's like the Olive Garden.

Try and find one Italian there.

Yeah, right. Try to find a Mexican at Taco Bell.

They're all working at kids.

Oh, you never see an olive either.

They hung up. You never see an olive either, yeah?

Yeah, you do. And I'm looking for the garden

still. They got salad, milkman.

It's all-you-can-eat salad. Don't you love

that, motherfucker, Ted? You go, you got all-you-can-eat

salad. Yeah, but it's all iceberg lettuce.

It's got no nutrition.

No veggies or anything. Right.

He's exactly right. There's no veggies.

you get the soup pepper on it and cheese and you get that cheese you get the italian wedding soup

then and the breadsticks motherfucker i eat the hell out of pepperoncini it's usually there i

usually give out like a mouthful of them yeah man they squirt in your mouth you know yeah the bad

one is when they squirt in your eye oh man yeah especially when you just had surgery on your eye

like me oh bummer dude i didn't do that but that would be that would be bad anyway i was talking

Talking about a Zuzu kitchen, or Zuzu chicken, rather.

Here it is.

Zuzu chicken, guys.

Let's find out what they do there.

I think it's Turkish.

That'd be my guess.

Zuzu.

Now we need to play that song here, Ted.

Get that girl jazzin' again.

Zuzu.

No Zuzu, guys.

Zuhala.

All right.

No answer.

Pea the Pit.

I don't know.

That's like a chain restaurant.

Doesn't do it for me.

Curry House Little Tokyo, a Japanese Indian fusion restaurant.

A Japanese woman answered there.

This is in L.A.

Japanese-Indian fusion?

Wow.

Uh-huh.

Yep.

What the hell would that look like?

On Astronaut ES Onizuka Street.

Onizuka was in the Challenger breakup.

Not explosion.

He died on the Challenger tragedy.

Oh, no.

Onizuka.

Onizuka-san.

Thank you for calling the Korean Household Tokyo.

How may I help you?

Yes, hi.

So you have Indian food and Japanese food together?

Actually, it's just Japanese curry.

It's not Indian curry.

There's a Japanese curry?

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

And do you have lots of round eyes that work there or short eyes?

Sorry, we're actually closed right now.

No, but you answered the phone, so you must be open, right?

Remember that you answered the phone?

Remember that part?

I'm a little busy right now.

Do you mind talking to my manager?

Oh, okay, honey.

Say curry.

I was going to say it, but we got on the call.

The Japanese make really good curry, too.

They got their own style.

I wonder how long this will take.

They sound pretty...

Talk to the manager, please.

What's Japanese curry?

I don't know.

It sounds like crap.

It sounds like it's fishy.

Oh, it's fucking good, man.

Shut up, man.

You ain't never tried it yet.

Is it fishy?

I make it.

It's fishy, isn't it?

No.

Yeah, it is.

Milkman makes a Japanese curry?

Wow.

Hell, yes.

It's very good, man.

You never had it before.

Don't knock it until you try it.

He jerks off.

Yeah.

I got potato, carrot, onion, sometimes celery.

Oh, yeah.

I'm looking at a picture of it.

Japanese curry rice.

Right.

It's mixture.

The mixture proportions are different for Japanese curry.

That's all I was saying.

That's why I like that flavor.

Japanese curry is thicker and sweeter than Indian.

Yeah, Japanese curry.

You guys have Japanese curry there?

I used to be certain Japanese curry, but we close at 9 o'clock already.

Oh, then you are disgrace, you displace my family.

I'm so sorry.

You displace my family.

I'm so sorry about that, we closed at nine today.

Yes, and you're displacing my family, closing at nine.

It's San Chico Rocco.

Yes, how do you make the curry?

Tell me, did you go, honey?

All right, I told her she disgraced my family.

All right, honey baby.

That's a big insult over there to say that you.

She said sorry.

Yeah, that's a big insult.

If you tell them that your family is disgraced, they will be insulted.

I am good-natured and provide satisfaction.

This PC is crazy.

You've got to watch it.

Ted, get on it, man.

Get on it.

Here, I'll post it in here.

Big Evil Neo wants to join us.

Yay.

We'll see if she shows up.

Yay, Neo.

What is she into now?

is she into vampire novels do you know no i don't she was in school she likes to smoke weed

no oh wow oh my god oh man oh god tell you all about it oh my god that's horrible oh no she's

going down that road that stuff will put hair on your palms like white snake that's bad neo no no

Oh, no. Call us so we can do your intervention. Join us.

All right, we got a six-by-six-foot dog lock.

You know, call in so you can defend yourself against these horrific allegations I'm making.

Yeah, despite the fact that two of the three people on here right now are really high,

I think she's okay.

Who the fuck said that shit, Narcs?

India's Tandoori. Here we go.

India's Tandoori. It's owned by India.

an Indian guy answered there. That's good.

That's a good sign. And this is in

Los Angeles. No, but seriously, though, Japanese

curry is really good, man. I'll tell you.

I fix it good. Good, man. Good. You put

carrots in it. That's stupid. No, no,

no. Like I said, you gotta try it

first. Sometimes I even use other

fruits, too. I'm gonna go to the hibachi

grill tomorrow, man. That's what I'm gonna do.

It's not real, real strong.

Hey, you ever been

to a Japanese steakhouse?

Oh, we're at? Hold on.

Go ahead.

you ever hey hey Halala hello who are you how are you my friend hello I am I

am calling from India Howard very good how are you good good what what is

happening this evening my friend nothing happened you tell me I I want I want to

meet up with you and and have curry and tea I would like to meet up with you and

and have much curry and cheese?

Can you come over?

Come, come?

Can I come in front of you?

Yeah, come.

How about your family?

I'm alone.

Oh, that's very good, yes.

What are you wearing?

What do you wear at work?

No, what are you wearing?

No, I'm saying what do you wear at work?

I don't know what you're saying.

When you work, what do you wear?

I wear G-string and bra.

i'm really exotic i'm exotic dancer cool can i come can i come dance your restaurant please

yeah why not yeah you can come now okay i'm coming okay yeah yeah okay i will get on my

horse and i will come immediately all right i'm waiting for you yes be ready for me to

I'm really spicy, so I'm very spicy.

That's very good.

Okay, come.

Okay, I come.

Come to it.

What the fuck, Ted?

He was pretty willing there.

Yeah, man.

I agree.

Congratulations, Ted.

I know, I got a hookup.

You got a hookup, man.

Not bad.

Hi.

You still got it, Ted.

You still got it.

Add Neil to this call.

I haven't gotten a request yet from her.

but i did do a 420 hit i passed it on to uh new new uh or you could send her the contact also

ted you know you've got mine you can send it to her if she's on skype evil neil yeah okay let's

continue lal merch whatever that means is the studio city that's where the movie stars are

the tv stars i guess the small screen motherfucker here we go i think that's right i don't know

What's the Studio City, Milkman?

Do you know?

You know everything.

Expert.

Oh, Studio City.

It's like...

Paramount and stuff like that?

It used to be where a lot of the filming shit used to be.

I don't think it's like as big as it used to be.

It's kind of more of like an urban area.

Yeah, everyone films in Toronto now, dude, because of the tax breaks.

Toronto's where it's at.

Try to add Neo.

It didn't work.

She's a deviant.

Hello, Mr. Chisholm.

How can I help you?

Studio City.

Hello?

Yes, I see this is a place called Lyle Merch.

Yes, sir.

And this is Indian food?

Yeah, Indian food.

Oh, good.

All right.

And do you have sister?

Do you have sister you can send to the studio?

No.

No?

We don't do deliveries, sir.

No?

I have to come pick up?

I can take out.

Can I pick up your sister to come?

Hello?

No.

No?

Do you have sister?

Can you hold on one second, sir?

Okay, for one second.

I'll find out.

Okay.

Neo!

Hello.

We're in the middle of a dirty Indian call.

Stand by.

Okay.

Hello?

Hey, how are you, buddy?

Good.

How are you?

How can I help you?

Oh, good.

I was telling him to see.

Are you Indian?

Yes, we are.

All right.

And do you have a sister that we can pick up?

You want a sister to pick up?

Yeah.

Really?

Yes.

I don't think she will like you.

Oh, you don't have Bhenchod?

You don't...

She won't like you, my friend.

Why?

You're not a tribe.

Sorry.

Your sister's ugly?

No.

Rejected.

I tried.

Well, you've been up to Neo.

I understand you smoke drugs now.

Yes, apparently I'm doing meth, heroin, weed, cocaine, coke.

Wow.

Oh, yeah.

I'm such a bad person.

Bad, bad person.

I don't eat every day.

That's Neo now.

Did you ever finish school, Neo?

Did you finish it up?

Is it on the back burner?

Oh, you did it here?

The last one you knew about you is that you moved to Tennessee and you were going to go to school,

and then we never heard from you for, like, years.

There's a lot more drama since then.

I hadn't even tried to catch him.

Go ahead.

well what happened was i ended up being a hooker and i'm living in someone's basement what and

they're letting me they're letting me use their computer right now you ended up being a hooker

are you staying in business so you won't lose your teeth so you can pay a dental bill or

i actually have really good teeth for a meth addict i was gonna say man that's why you gotta

work for me no no i'm i'm actually still in school and everything and i'm about to finish

my associates after five years and yeah cool just don't feel bad i took eight years to get

my associates so it's all right dude you're all right no worries got yeah i got tons of student

loans though gotta love them student loans oh of course yeah you got them too god you fell into

that yeah yeah i had to yeah because yeah i know right what are you gonna do but then you're fucked

afterwards but fuck you gotta eat man you gotta get you want a new nice nice lcd tv you got a

do the moon. That's an awesome time when that

check comes in. Yeah. Anyway,

hey, let's continue with some prank

calls. You can join if you want, or just

hang out, Neo, whatever you want to do.

It's good to hear from you. It was nice hearing from

you, too, and I'll probably do a prank

call or two while I'm here. All right, buddy.

Here we go. Here's the Bombay.

Let me see if I got any newer numbers.

No, that's it so far. So Lonesome has sent in

the Bombay Palace, another Indian

restaurant. Ted, you want to do another one?

Because I'm...

Let me talk to the Indian man.

Put a different spin on this. Thanks.

Different spin?

Other than me, because it's always me talking to Indians.

At least if you're doing it, it's something different.

Hello.

From the palace.

Hello.

Yes?

How are you, my friend?

I'm good. Who is this?

I'm friend with the cook. I want to speak with him.

Who are you and which cook do you want to talk to?

My name is Raj.

And who do you want to talk to?

I want to talk to the cook, please.

We have enough cooks. Thank you very much.

No, I don't. No. I'm not looking for a job.

I'm looking to talk to the cook because I had a wonderful meal and I want to learn the secrets.

Sorry.

What is the problem with you?

We don't give out our secrets.

I don't understand what is the problem.

Why are you so stingy?

That is the reason people come here to eat.

Thank you. Good night.

But you're stingy. You don't tell.

Ask the secrets of Indian restaurants.

You know, like, where do you get your this?

Where do you get your that?

How are you successful?

Tell me. I want to open a place here.

All right.

Beautiful.

Bravo.

Fail.

That wasn't too bad.

Okay.

No, that was a very nice idea, too.

I liked it.

She was a bitch.

She was kind of.

Yeah.

Fuck.

I agree with Neo.

She was a bitch.

She didn't want to talk at all, man.

She wanted to play.

All right.

Here's Nirvana.

Nirvana, guys.

Isn't that a state?

The state of Nirvana.

Nirvana?

Oh, yes.

Hi.

Nirvana.

Yes.

So you guys are the highest state?

Sure.

Okay, that's good.

That's good.

I have a few questions about Papa Dom's.

Do you have them?

Yeah.

How do you make?

What's that?

How do you make the Papa Dom?

You just serve them.

Yeah, but how do you...

You don't give out a receipt.

Well, how do you...

I'll tell you how to...

Tell me how you make it.

I want to make some at home.

Tell me.

Go to YouTube.

It's said to call you.

Go look at it at YouTube.

Can you send your sister to do it over here to take her clothes off and make Papa Dom's

for me in my kitchen?

Hey.

I got some music.

All right, let's keep that on in the background.

Asshole.

Call me a Muslim?

I am not Pakistani.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You got to reel him right back in.

Awesome.

Okay.

Alright guys, that was fun

Here's another one, the New Delhi Palace

That would be Bengali, right?

Is New Delhi more Bengali kind of stuff, right?

I don't know

I think so

What do I know?

What is the town?

New Delhi

Where's the old Delhi?

Where's the original Delhi?

They tore it down

Good evening, New Delhi

I had a question

Where's the original Delhi at?

Yeah, maybe in India.

Mm-hmm.

And do they have a Reuben sandwich there?

They probably do.

In Coleslaw?

Yeah.

So this is a new version of that deli in India.

Yeah, that's it.

Oh, wow.

So you got Indian deli meats.

Yes, chicken, lamb, shrimp, fish.

Beef?

Whatever you need, yeah.

Beef?

No beef.

Why no beef?

No beef.

Is it because Indians love cows?

That's it.

They have nice big asses on them?

Are you Indian or do you sound funny?

Where are you from?

I'm Pakistani.

Oh, that's too bad.

You're Pakistani?

You work in an Indian restaurant?

Yes.

You're a bastard then, you know?

Yeah, like your mom.

She has a big ass too.

Oh, wow.

He got me there.

I like that comeback of his.

I thought Pakistanis hated Indians and vice versa.

Come on.

They do.

I just saw a documentary about this.

hey listen get get get out of indian restaurant pakistani

he sounds like he plays magic the gathering or something

shit yeah i thought it was like some old world war ii vet or something

all right milkman

here comes baz milkman i'm gonna connect baz okay

Big Baby Baz

Seattle Seahawks

Peck Peck

Ding Ding

You speak Tagalog

That girl, she didn't know what I meant

She didn't know what I meant, that one girl

There's about 50,000 dialects in the Philippines

So maybe she doesn't speak Tagalog

Maybe

Give me a second, I'm organizing something here

Just a moment, please

We don't have fun STD PSAs in the United States like this one.

Love it, man.

What a great country to live in, that must be.

You gotta do stuff like that.

Okay, I'm continuing on here with a company called BHIMAS.

Behemoths.

Behemoths?

I have no idea.

Milkman, what's that one that you're always talking about?

They're not Indians, but they're near India.

Nepal?

Nepalese?

Do they have a lot in common with Indians?

Because their food seems to be very similar.

I'd say probably.

They're right on the border, on the mountain border between India and China.

So they're at a critical place.

They're like, you know, they've got the tallest mountain and they're in a very, you know, important place.

So obviously the bigger powers would like to be in control of that area.

And that's what's been going on for all probably the last couple of decades is like an internal guerrilla civil war.

The Chinese are just slaughtering them and basically paying their own people.

It's a mess.

Damn Chinese.

A

and the restaurant put them together hello hello

Oh, hello, good evening, yes, sir.

Yes, this is Behimo.

Sorry?

This is Behimo, Bohomo, Bipang.

What is it?

What do you call this place?

Sorry?

Is this Behimo?

Behimo, yes, sir.

Behimo.

Yeah.

Okay, and is it Malaysian food, or what is it you have?

We close, sir.

We are South Indian, but we close.

Yeah, but what kind of food do you have, you little monkey?

South Indian, sir.

South Indian food, sir.

South Indian?

Yeah.

Oh, that sounds good.

All right, sir.

See you next time, sir.

What?

Thank you.

Hello?

Thank you.

Hello?

Yes, sir.

Yes.

We're closer.

Okay.

Go ahead.

Oh, Kutaroycha.

Someone else called, and I connected them, but they didn't want to talk.

We were getting a call back from someone who was upset.

Probably an Indian, you know, who was upset that we prank called him.

Maybe he wanted to talk more.

Yeah, that's what I was hoping.

He feels his sister's been disrespected.

Peru's Indian vegetarian restaurant.

Here we go.

I got nothing but Indian stuff tonight.

All these fucking Punjabis.

Yep.

Oh, we got some British, old British people where there's a heat wave right now.

You can warn them about the heat.

Yes, hi.

Indian vegetables?

Yes, sir.

What vegetables do you have from India?

We have a cauliflower potato, chickpeas, eggplant.

Oh, well, those come from the United States.

Yeah.

Do you have any special Indian vegetables?

No, dad was reading, I was reading that book, you know, the Kama Sutra, it's Indian.

And there's a part in it where you use vegetables on the woman.

You know what I mean?

Do you know which one that would be?

Was it the cucumber?

I don't know.

That's Indian vegetable?

I don't know.

Yeah.

Do you like, do you like carrots?

Do you like hot buttered carrots?

I try to make it nice.

It's a vegetable.

I try to do it for my eagles.

Yeah.

Very nice.

Okay.

No meat at all?

No, wow, very nice, man.

Yeah.

Are you eating mushrooms or something?

No.

Do you have mushrooms?

No.

You sure?

You sound like you do, man.

You sound like you do.

Nothing here, man.

I'm tired of it.

You feeling good?

What do you want?

Are you feeling good?

Give me something.

You feeling good?

Yeah.

Give me this.

Yeah?

All right, bye.

I'm going to call the police tomorrow.

What are you talking about, you monkey?

Yeah, fuck you.

Don't threaten me.

All you can do is fucking waste your time calling.

And tomorrow I'm going to report this to the police.

Okay, well.

You fucking keep it up.

Get out of India.

You fucking loser.

Pakistani bastard.

Fucking loser.

Piece of shit.

Muslim.

Look who's talking.

You stupid Muslim disgusting bastard.

Are you fucking gay?

Okay, yeah.

How old are you?

What the fuck?

I rebuke you.

That guy's upset.

That Pakistani guy.

Where did he call you from?

I don't see him.

He's calling Google Voice, which I'm picking up on Google Talk, the app, separately.

So he's piped in.

You can't see him.

He's not live in Skype, but he's piped in.

So you can hear and talk to him also.

So you can hear us?

He can hear you guys, too, yeah.

Yeah, the way I got it set up.

So anyway, let's continue here.

Hey, can I order some Bhenchod?

You want some Bhenchod?

Okay, and then we'll start calling the British numbers here after that.

Okay.

Let's see.

Must find Bhenchod.

July 18th is today's date.

All right, Bombay Restaurant Cuisine of India.

Well, that's in Ontario.

Maybe they're closed.

Hang on, let me look at something more on the west coast here.

Ashoka, the great cuisine of India.

Let's try this one, see if they're still open.

That sounds good.

It's 9.40 here now, man.

It's getting late.

Sometimes they still answer, though.

I already want to empty out

Pag-pag

Get some pag-pag

I've reached shit

Clay oven Indian instead

I'll burn through these

We'll get one more to pick up here

I got a whole bunch of them

That we haven't done yet

Clay oven Indian food, right?

Yes

Yeah, I'd like to make an order

Sure, what can we get for you tonight?

Yeah, I'd like one order of chicken tikka masala

Definitely

One order of papadums

and one order of lamb bhenchod.

Lamb, I'm sorry?

Bhenchod.

Are you Indian?

I'm sorry?

Are you Indian?

Yes, I am.

Yes.

So you don't speak Hindi?

I do, but a lot of different regions have a lot of different dishes.

Okay.

Well, can I order one?

How about an order of gandu?

I'm sorry?

One order of curry gandu.

I'm sorry, one more time.

One order of gandu.

Hey, look, can I just fuck your sister?

Sure.

Let me just get the number.

That's right.

right okay cool yeah we'll have that ready for you in like 15 minutes all right thank you did

you did you want her already stripped or did you want that like just you want to go for it yourself

uh yeah i'll do it myself okay cool so there's no extra charge for that yep okay sounds good

that was nice of him yeah yeah very convenient

no extra charge for that yes hi i called one place and they they offered me a sister

at no extra charge uh naked at no extra charge do you guys charge for that for your sister they

They said that they offer her at no extra charge.

No, already naked, already stripped.

So I'm calling to see if you'll match that offer.

What is that?

I don't understand.

Well, you know, the sister, you have a girl and I can order her from you.

I can be with the sister.

It's Indian restaurant.

Yeah, and you have Indian sister.

Maybe you.

Is there extra charge for you to take your clothes off?

Because I called one Indian restaurant that said no extra charge.

I don't know.

You don't know?

Take your clothes off and see if anything comes up on the register.

Go ahead.

Yes, hi.

I called one Indian restaurant already,

and they said there was no extra charge to have the sister take her clothes off for me.

So I was wondering if you would match that offer and I could come here instead.

They said that there was no extra charge for me to come pick up my food

and the sister would take her clothes off for me.

They said that there was no extra charge for that,

so I'm calling to see if you would match that offer for me.

No.

No?

No.

So how much do you charge for sister?

Yeah.

I'm not understanding what you're saying.

For your sister, how much for me to, when I come pick up my food,

how much will you charge for sister to take off her clothes for me to see?

I don't know.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, I called one Indian restaurant and they said no problem and no charge for her to strip.

We're not that kind of restaurant.

Oh, so I'm just, because that's the Indian thing, I thought, because he said this.

that's what he said that all indian restaurants usually do that no that's not us okay so you

don't do that service at all there's not even for extra charge who was that woman that was on was

not your mom or who was no lady here oh can you ask her how much for her maybe do that ask her

let me talk to her again it's important oh because i can hear her still there it sounds like she

didn't leave oh sorry thank you bye-bye all right thanks bye all right that was funny

that was fucking hilarious dude that's a middle eastern thing though i guess

here we go with the next one well we're calling the uk now what i what i do with these uk ones

i copy and paste all these numbers so you guys can see them in the skype chat and then i go

starting with the first one and work my way down so there you go all right i'm gonna start with

with james bentley number one on the list these numbers are all in england hello is james available

what let me out lady i don't think they particular hello hello i'm british i am not american is james

there welcome hello hello this is mr feather bottom how are you all right how are you is that

james james you know there's a heat wave outside right now a tropical heat wave we're having one

Well, yes, I'm calling from the government.

We're supposed to call all the pensioners and give them information about the heat wave

because you could fall down outside, your pants could fall down,

and you could trap outside in the heat wave and you'd dry like a turtle that falls.

Yeah, my wife's looking after me.

Yeah, she is?

She's old, too, though.

She could become exhausted.

She's old, too, yes, yes.

Yeah.

Staying in, yeah.

Yeah.

Now, you drink your water, all right?

Yeah.

Okay, and do you have any salt tablets?

You should have those.

No.

You don't have any salt tablets at all?

No.

Now, if you go outside, it's good for you to go just in your underwear if you have to go outside.

Just take your shirt off and your pants and your shoes.

Yeah.

And just walk outside in your underwear, you know?

Yeah, and get a little cool.

Yeah, and that way you won't get too hot.

Do you do any gardening?

You can get in your underwear and do some gardening and spray the garden hose on your wife.

You can spray it on each other and you embrace each other and kiss.

The government gave it to me.

Because you're a pensioner, it says here.

And you're in danger of being affected by the heat wave because you're old and you're stupid and slow.

Yeah, I'm going to put my manager on the line.

Who will that be? I don't know.

Manager, go ahead.

So what do I have to do now?

I was going to put my manager on the line.

I'm going to put Mr. Snozzwell on the line.

He's my manager.

Mr. Snozzwell, please help.

Yes, this is Mr. Snozzwell.

How are you doing today, old sir?

I'm okay.

Yeah, you know that there's a serious heat wave,

and we're concerned about your welfare.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're with the Royal Service.

Royal Service, yes.

The Royal Service, that's correct.

Yeah.

So you need to make sure you stay cool.

You know, you lose a lot of heat through the head,

and through the genitalia, so you can remove your pants

and expose your sexual organs to a cool breeze and a fan

that will help you stay cool.

Have you tried that, my good sir?

Not yet?

You should try that.

What you do is you remove your pants and your underwear,

then you can relax in a recliner and set a fan at crotch level,

put it on full blast, recline back, make sure your legs are spread open,

and that will remove about 80% of the excess heat.

You should definitely try that.

I'll tell them that you've rung me.

Pardon? Can you say it again? I can't understand your accent.

I'll tell my neighbor that you've rung me.

She's old as well.

Okay, yeah, and recommend that maybe you can come over and fan his balls with you.

Yeah.

You know, you could do it together.

Then you could have a nice chat.

You can have some tea and some crumpets.

Yeah, ring me at about 10 o'clock instead of 9.

Ice tea.

Yeah, ice tea is good too.

Ice tea.

Not hot tea.

Ice tea.

But make sure you have some crumpets as well.

That's a directive from the Royal Service.

Do you need the recipe for ice?

Yes, my associate Cross here can give you the recipe for ice.

Stand by, please.

Cross, can you give the good sir the recipe for ice?

You take some water and you mix it with salt.

Cold water, salt.

Yeah.

Going out with a long bomb, folks.

Yeah.

And put it in the freezer.

Do you need that to be repeated?

Yeah.

Can you send me some salt tablets then?

Okay.

We'll put it down for some government-issued salt tablets.

Okay.

And we'll be delivering them this morning.

Good morning.

In the meantime, you can do a saltwater enema and just keep holding it in.

Okay.

Good morning.

Okay.

Good morning.

Bye.

Good morning.

Saltwater enema, Milkman.

man it does that'll cure what ails you yeah that sounds pretty crappy yes sir yes sir uh nunu asked

imploring us nunu is to call the conventions uh let's try this car ding call again an african

american woman who had a note left in her car which said that we had dinged her car in accident

see if she picks up this time she did not pick up at the beginning of the show your call has

has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

Nothing there.

All right, moving right along.

Let's see what else we got here.

What other suggestions we had here?

Did you guys have any suggestions?

All I have is British numbers still, which I can keep working on.

Or I can check out request a prank.

Yeah, Ken messaged me and said he has some request to pranks.

Oh, true, true.

I should connect Ken.

Yeah, he was trying to call in a while ago.

All right, let me get Ken connected also.

I almost forgot about that.

Yeah, I did see him flashing up, and I wasn't connecting him at the time.

But I can do that now.

Yeah, let me look over a Request a Prank here also.

We'll do UK numbers when we wrap up here a little later.

Might take a break here in a little bit just to stretch the legs,

get some more water, and then we'll continue the show.

Make sure you fan your balls.

Fan my balls.

Yeah, I'm going to have to work tomorrow so we can do an extra long episode tonight.

Not too long, but, you know, we can do something.

A little bit of something.

Milkman, I don't know if you're going to stay around or if you've got to go to sleep.

You're a busy guy.

Yeah, I've got work to do, bro.

All right.

i said i'm sorry i gotta work i can't stay too long man okay all right we got it so he sent

in a number kended a guy accusing a woman of stealing money from his hotel room when she was

there here is her phone number asked why she sealed where the oh it came in craigslist really

someone out to her in craigslist like that damn so i guess she was uh an escort and he hooked up

with her in the uh hotel room and she ended up stealing a bunch of his money stole money and

valuable things from the apartment or hotel room and then we'll make an excuse and run

that's what you get man can't get anything on craigslist like that it's either a cop or some

woman trying to steal from you what's up big girl how you doing how are you oh good yeah i was

wondering if uh you wanted to come hang out my place this afternoon uh tomorrow afternoon you

got anything going down oh this is this is eddie my friend sent me your number he said that you

You like to come to the hotel, and you take all the money and the stuff.

What are you talking about?

You took my friend's money.

My name is Lysol.

Your name is what?

Lysol.

I'm Lysol.

You're Lysol?

Yeah, and I'm going to get my friend's money back.

Who are you talking about?

You took my friend's money from the hotel room.

You made up an excuse to leave, and you left with his money and his valuables.

I think you're talking about my friend who's using my phone.

She doesn't have a phone, but...

Oh, okay, so let's...

So I'm gonna come see you then and wait for your friend.

You're gonna what?

I'm gonna come see you and wait for your friend.

I'm not gonna help you hurt my friend, I'm sorry.

No, I'm not gonna hurt your friend.

I'm just gonna get this money back, you know?

Well, I'm not gonna help you

because I think you are gonna hurt her,

and I don't know.

I'm not gonna hurt that.

No, no, no, no, I'm not gonna hurt nobody, no.

No, no, no, I'm not gonna hurt...

I'm not gonna lose it like I did last time.

No.

You're gonna what?

What?

I'm not going to lose it like I did that last time, that one time.

No, nothing like that.

What the fuck?

Yeah, my friend.

All right.

Guy put a dad on Craigslist wanting men to step on his dick and kick him in the balls.

Any of you like to kick some balls around?

If so, I'd love to hang out with you.

You supply the foot and I'll supply two balls.

Awesome.

That could be soccer, too, you know.

There we go.

Let's call that, then.

Ken, are you here, bastard?

I am here.

All right, bastard.

bastard you like to kick balls don't you it's not available okay scott is not available here we got

a 21 year old female selling used panties to help pay for college awesome seeing you that's what you

should have done instead of student loans should have sold your panties duh all has been forwarded

to an automated voice messaging system i think that lady's phone is turned off shit hello yes

hi see this is about panties for sale oh yeah dude yeah wrong number what do you mean wrong number

I think someone's messing with them.

Someone posted their number.

Yeah, he seemed to have gotten a few calls before that.

Here's an Asian selling her used panties.

5'5", 120 pounds, slender body.

Very nice.

Very, very nice.

Here we go.

We're having a heat wave.

Yeah.

Sorry, but the person you called has a voice mailbox.

We'll try it again.

Fucking assholes.

I'm sorry.

Damn.

I just had some random message come in from you Carlito

from like Sunday

it says socks

yeah socks man

yeah alright

here's a

the ad started out selling used panties

but then the

maybe even toss in a little

sex for extra

I like anal sex but it'll extra

it will extra it says

it will extra I'm going to have to go get something to eat

after this show

I just woke up.

I'm going to get a little extra food for me.

I think I'm going to take a ride to the gas station

and get some unhealthy food.

Yeah, unhealthy food.

I'm sorry.

Damn.

What are these fucking people doing?

Thai iced gandu.

Alright, a lot of no people answering the phone,

motherfuckers, right now.

I was going to tell you, I was listening to,

I think it was two Mondays ago when you went on.

I was laughing my ass off

when you were calling those FedEx numbers for the jobs.

i want my own uh uh tour of the place and i look at the other guys i'm like what's up nigga

that was great i come with my khakis and my oakleys i'm like

what's up nigga what's up nigga what are you doing nigga yeah that's how i act uh did you

i don't think i haven't edited the uh last the show i did tuesday i did a show tuesday morning

uh where i called that lady bag at the uh oh fuck what was it that attorney's office that

does collections i called her back and she was like eddie look stop calling i remember you from

last week she's saying like shit like that like how would you she's like i've never in all my years

have i ever had anyone call for a job and be so nasty like you were last week she said to me

uh so if you haven't heard that i'll try to edit that soon i could play it now but

i'd have to find it in the that uh the old guy that was just calling earlier when yelling at you

a lot of people in chat were saying that sounded like

Beavis and Butthead's principal

I'm gonna call the cops

you little bastards

it does it does

yeah the principal of Highland High School

or McVicar

alright here's a prank call

called the emergency prayer circle

give me a moment I'll be right back and we'll

do a little bit more show and get out of here

I'm here I'm here I'm here

did he go to the gas station?

no I didn't go to the gas station I was eating

Eating some hummus and pita chips.

And I was thinking about something that was funny.

And I was just chilling.

And I was like, oh, wait a minute.

I've got to go back.

It's a healthy snack.

Yeah, man.

Nice and fibrous.

Gives you the farts, too.

All right.

Well, let's see what we've got here number-wise.

We've got a smattering of Russian hotels.

You hit those up.

Is there anything else I was doing here?

Where was I?

Where did I leave off?

You had a bunch of UK numbers you said you were going to close the show out with.

Yes, that's right.

thank you good thing you're here uh who said he sent some info to you did he uh yeah we have the

hotel that they're in the marriott and we have the names of i guess some of the attendees okay

we can try we'll see maybe they would want to hire a blackface menstrual for entertainment

yeah sambo i know i called them once and said that they had shit in the pool and one of them

has shit in the pool good morning yes good morning i'm trying to be connected with miss

Connect, one at once.

Hey, Zyn.

Yes.

How are you?

I'm fine.

Oh, that's good, that's good.

I was calling because I wanted to see about coming down to the convention,

but I didn't want to impose none on you.

Do what now?

I want to come down to the convention this weekend.

I don't want to impose on you none.

Okay, who is this?

This is Eddie, Eddie Cross.

And I want to come down to the convention, you know?

You know who I am?

i'm drinking i don't i'm best friend from high school okay and he said to talk to you about

coming down and getting a hotel room well to get a hotel room you need to call the hotel

he said you take care of getting me a free room for me and and he's gonna come by my room at night

and we're gonna take a shower together and kiss and hug and hold each other hello he said that

you were in charge of getting me a room so he could come by and we could i'm not in charge of

getting the rooms i'm gonna kiss him and hold him in the bathroom in the shower he's gay he's a gay

he's a secret gay and i'm his boyfriend and i'm gonna stay in the hotel and he's gonna come by and

i'm gonna share my bed with him for a little while you know don't tell anyone that he loves

the company of men but he does sometimes okay hello

Hello?

Hey, if you need a hotel room, you need to call and get that with the hotel.

Okay, well, please don't tell anyone that he likes the company of men, okay?

Please?

That's not my business.

I've been his lover for a few months now.

Okay, I need to go to bed because it's late and we have a big weekend.

Are you going to go to the bathroom?

Emma?

Yeah, are you going to go in the bathroom, too, before you go to bed?

I have no idea.

Are you going to sit down?

That's none of your business.

Sit down on the toilet and push it out a little bit?

Push out your...

Gross.

All right, cool.

Cool.

I've just implicated a fellow conventioneer that the guy is a closet gay, gay, gay.

And if you were like Brent Westwood, you would have told her to shut that fucking kid up?

Yeah.

Well, I'm not like that.

I'm not Brent Westwood.

She's probably saying her husband.

What the fuck?

Did you know he's gay?

Yes, I need to speak with Mr. My partner.

Okay, my pleasure.

It's a good connection.

Wonderful night.

My pleasure.

Thank you.

Hello?

Hello.

Is there?

He said he was going to come by my room

And we were going to take a shower together

I've been waiting for him

The water's running and everything

Who is this?

Oh, this is Eddie

Eddie

Yeah, Eddie Cross

Okay, Eddie

Who's life right now?

Well, he's supposed to come take a shower with me

We were going to take a shower together

And hold each other

And I was going to share my bed with him

Hold on just a second, okay?

Okay

We think they're coming back, guys

I don't know

Probably not

She just put the phone down

Well, she said just a minute.

I don't get it.

Anyway, let's call the UK while we wait.

James Clark.

If anybody wants to do one, just call it out.

Yes, hello, buddy.

Is that James?

No, it's not.

I can't see who's calling.

Oh, I'm calling from the Royal Service.

Where?

The Royal Service.

There's a heat wave.

We're calling to warn him about the heat wave.

I mean, it's like 25 to 6 in the morning.

Yeah.

Is he expecting his call?

Yeah, he is.

All right.

Well, hold on just a second.

Hurry up.

Eddie?

Yeah.

When was the last time you talked to him?

What?

Hello?

Yes.

When was the last time I talked to him?

Yes.

I talked to him on the phone a few days ago, and he said for sure he was going to come

by, and we were going to take a shower together.

Well, now, where are you?

I'm in the room.

I'm in my room.

Well, what room are you in?

It's a long time.

I'm in room 215.

215.

But can you, is he up now?

Because I was, I had the shower on and everything and I had laid some towels out and I was going

to light incense and everything.

Well, let me, let me see if he's coming in here.

Hold on just a second.

Oh, all right, honey.

Hold on.

Okay.

She came back out of nowhere.

Now let's wait on this then.

Yeah.

We'll call James back while we wait, I guess.

They had a really bad connection though.

Yes, James.

I was trying to talk to James.

What do you want to talk to him about?

I'm calling from the Royal Service.

What for?

Because there's a heat wave, and he's expecting this call about the heat wave.

Information about being safe in the heat wave, yeah.

Right.

What's your phone, then?

Is it just a general thing in England?

We're from the Royal Service.

We're calling all the pensioners, yes.

Right.

Oh, I see.

I see, yeah.

Well, he's not very well.

So he's in bed.

So do you want to just give me the information?

Oh, sure, honey.

Yeah, so you want to make sure he doesn't go outside for a long time, okay?

Yeah.

And that he doesn't have any sexual activity outside either.

Right.

Okay, and then feel free to take him outside and use a garden hose on him and shower him down.

I'll do that for you.

Thank you.

See you then.

Bye.

Hello.

Hi.

Yes, did you find out?

You're still looking for me?

Yes.

Who are you?

Oh, this is Eddie Cross.

Eddie Cross.

Eddie Cross?

Yeah.

You're here in the hotel?

Yeah, and he's going to come by, tell him that we're going to take a shower together with our clothes off.

Are you a freak or what?

No, he paid for me to come and share my bed with him.

I'm under her contract.

I'm a male masseuse.

She said that Mr. S*** had asked for the service to have a massage and have a shower with a boy, and that's me.

I'm a man.

Come here.

Hang on just a second.

and i'll let you talk okay thank you talk to me again hello yeah yes hired me and i have a room

that she's paying for and it's for you to come by and i'm going to give you a massage and we're

going to take a shower together in the bathroom i laid some towels out and some potpourri hello

yes hello yes uh-huh how can i help you yes yes i'm under contract i'm supposed to take a shower

with mr we're going to take a shower together and i'm going to give him a massage on the bed

I have no idea what you're talking about.

I have warm oils out.

I have some powder, body powder also, some relaxing music.

You are absolutely disgusting, and this is an inappropriate conversation,

and not one that you need to have with a child.

I'm supposed to talk with him.

He's the president.

And you need to go get a life.

Who is she talking about a child?

Oh, this shit just got real.

They were still there.

She didn't hang up.

They were talking.

I could have heard.

Fuck.

I heard them right at the end, right when they hit hang up.

I heard him back there.

Oh, boy.

Big mess down there at the hotel now.

Should be some interesting conversations tomorrow.

Who hired a gay sexual masseuse.

All right.

He sounded pretty effeminate.

He did.

All right, let's see.

He did.

I know he did.

I'm going to call.

Well, it's the children of the.

Wait a minute.

This isn't like.

So Seth is 12 and he's the president.

Yeah, I just realized that.

I thought it was sons of the

Which is like you know

Just ancestors

You know what I mean

You have ancestors but I think that's like

Their youth branch

Nunu just fucking set you up

You're gonna get subpoenaed now

It's their fucking youth branch

Are you fucking nuts

So now

He was like 13

No wonder he sounded like that

He sounded like some

and no wonder they were so hesitant to put you on the phone with them

13 year old guy and i just said that the probably the adult who's in charge of

registration for the fucking thing i just said that she hired a male escort okay let's gravitate

away from that then yeah children is something different okay in russia it is now illegal to

promote being gay that's what the hotel numbers are for oh oh okay we have hotel numbers in russia

where it is now illegal to promote that you're gay what's up with russia what's going on in

russia man they've been acting really weird lately right that's cute how about north korea the that

uh fucking ship that got caught down there in panama fucking smuggling the missiles and shit

yeah cuba you mean i thought they said it was korea that was uh no no bringing that shit through

They were getting it from Cuba

They were getting it from Cuba through the Panama Canal

Hello, this is the Russian hotel

Yes, Russian hotel

You speak English, you little monkey bitch

Hello

Hello, English

Fuck

They're freaking Russian right on the turnip truck still, man

God

They usually have a good English speaker

Yeah, not that place

Man, they've been really upset

since fucking Rocky beat Dolph Lundgren

over there.

Nah, they all were on Rocky's side.

That movie's so stupid.

At the end of the match, everyone's like,

Hello, is this Russian Hotel?

Is this Russian Hotel?

You speak English, monkey?

What the fuck is going on?

Whoa.

What's with the speak of their own language?

Anyway, yeah, you know, that fight started off

and, like, the Russians, the Soviets

are all standing up praising their national anthem and they're all against rocky and by the

end of it they all switched well actually because dolph lundgren didn't he yell at the crowds like

i do this for me fuck you guys fuck you fuck you that's so unbelievable why would he do that

out of nowhere he's just like fuck you people even though you all you all worship me fuck you

about a half hour 45 minutes from where i live uh it was on the news today that uh these people

at burger king ordered some food in a kid's meal and the people went and opened up the kid's meal

and found a fucking weed pipe in there wow and they were like what the fuck apparently the

employee hid it in there while he was at work so nobody would find it and it accidentally got

handed out uh-huh well open this shit up it's like a weed it's a like rainbow weed pipe it's

It's got the residue and shit still in there like he just smoked and shit while he was at work.

That's funny.

Don't hide it in the fucking food bags, you idiot, because someone's going to come.

You don't know who's going to be like, oh, food bags.

Here we go.

And fuck them.

Oh, my God.

Like, hide it in the freezer or something, dude.

I wouldn't fucking put it on my Facebook because, like, I don't remember getting toys like this in my kid's meal when I was younger.

Shit.

Hello.

You speak English, honey?

Russian? Russian, right?

Hello?

Oh, fuck.

Dude, none of these people speak English.

Hey, baby, just a tip.

Do you understand that?

Yeah, my old.

That's all I know what to say.

Yes?

Hello, I am Mikhail.

English speaker.

Rocky IV.

How do I talk to him?

How do I stay with him?

Do you have a translator nearby?

Thank you.

What's the matter?

You pissed off?

No, she's pissed off at us.

There's someone knocking on a door back there, and she's not doing anything about it.

Hey, get the door.

Honey, get the dick out of your ass.

She's got a point.

Damn that woman.

Do you speak English?

No.

Stupid.

You know what stupid is?

Guys, they're real cunty now.

Look at that.

No.

I don't know where Alonzo got these Russians, but they sure are mean.

And they sure don't speak English.

Hey, there you go, finally.

Concierge and banshee department.

Concierge, please.

Hello.

Sorry?

I need an English-speaking concierge.

Oh, good.

Listen, now, how do you, do you use toilet paper here, or do I use my hand?

Do you use toilet paper in this country, or do I have to use my hand?

No, listen.

You know, toilet, toilet, toilet.

Hello?

No.

You would like to make a reservation in the room?

No.

You know a toilet?

I have a room already.

You know a toilet?

Ah, you have a ready room.

And?

Bathroom.

Toilet.

You know toilet?

What is your room number?

Oh, fuck.

I don't know.

One, two, three.

Listen, toilet.

Just a moment.

I'll connect you, please.

Hurry up.

I'll connect you to a reception.

Please wait.

Toilet.

Hello?

Fuck that.

Fuck this.

Fuck it.

Okay, we got a hotel in Russia with a live cam.

These people speak English for sure, says Lonesome Loser.

It is the Amak's Congress Hotel.

Excellent.

Beautiful, bravo.

Hey, let's make this the last prank of the night.

How about that?

I'm done.

So we can ask for a room for two men, one bed?

Yeah.

Hello.

Hey, buddy, speak English.

Hello.

Okay.

Hi, you speak English, honey?

Morning, yes.

Oh, how are you?

How are you?

I'm fine.

Oh, good, good.

Yes, I want to know, can I share my bed with two men, two other men in one bed?

Repeat, please.

One minute.

Wake up.

Hello.

Hey, boy.

Hello.

Hi.

How many, can I have three men in one bed, naked?

Reservation, one bed, room with one bed, yes.

One bed, three gay men.

I'm one of them.

Three?

Gay.

Dude, please push this, please push this.

Fuck yeah, I'll be there too.

Well.

Hello.

Yes, hello, three gay men, one bed.

For unprotected sex.

Yeah, no condoms.

Do you want a reservation now, yes?

Oh, do you have condoms?

No, we don't want condoms.

We're going to use them on our roof.

Okay, she's gone, and I'm gone.

Bye, Kat, see you later, mister.

See you.

you bye see you baz you're out of here yeah bye bye neos good talking to you bye ted bye ted ted

webb no answer from ted bye ted we say goodbye to ted milkman bye bye milkman bye all right bye

milkman well there you are well take us out of here milkman because i'm done are you done

All right, well, there you go, folks.

Another action-packed episode right here in the Madhouse.

That's right, your favorite place to be every Thursday night now.

Back home, folks.

I'd like to thank everybody for stopping in, especially our numbers hit, man.

What can we do without our numbers hit, man?

Oh, hands held high, my brother.

And I'd like to thank Mr. Ted, Ted Webbo, and Neo, and Baz, and Ken.

Everybody stop by.

I'd like to thank everybody over there in the mouth.

I'd like to thank everybody else listening out there, especially you.

That's right, our friends, our listeners.

That's right.

We have the most interactive show you can find right here on the Internet,

anytime, right here.

You've got our number.

You've got our frequency.

We just ask that you bring a friend or, better yet, bring an enemy

because we're always welcome right here in the Madhouse.

And when we do that, our fearless leader, the General Lee Simone.

My brother, I love you, man.

Great show.

Yay.

Thank you, Milkman.

I'm out of here.

All right.

We'll catch you here next Thursday.

Thank you.

Thanks everyone for tuning in.

Calls (44, 1 h 41 min of 2 h 51 min)

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