The Vice Principal’s Code of Ethics
23 Jul 2013 · 41 min · 5,103 words · source
Calls (10, 30 min of 41 min)
- Professional Service Machines job inquiry ivr 2.9 min clip ↓
- Janitorial job for office cleaning live 2.3 min clip ↓
- Road mechanic job inquiry live 2.0 min clip ↓
- Calling Rick the dick live 1.9 min clip ↓
- Customer relations job inquiry live 3.9 min clip ↓
- Calling back after swearing live 50 s clip ↓
- Eddie calls Frank about name joke live 6.7 min clip ↓
- Eddie leaves message for Frank via Jamie live 1.9 min clip ↓
- Calls school HR department ivr 2.2 min clip ↓
- Science charter school assistant principal live 5.7 min clip ↓
Transcript
Hello, can I help you?
Oh, I called the wrong number.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
All right, just to let you know, sir, I'm calling the police right now.
It was an accident.
Have a wonderful day.
No, come on.
It was an accident.
I'm not playing no fucking games, man.
I fucked you, son of a bitch.
Stop making us get the credit.
You're out of your crazy mind.
You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.
I'll fuck you all night long.
You're not perfect.
Why don't you piss off?
You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, we have ignition.
Tried and true.
98.6 ML.
Okay, first on our list this afternoon, we have customer service jobs being offered.
Professional Service Machines is currently interviewing customer service call center reps
for openings in the area you have to have at least a year of customer service experience preferred
interested candidates are encouraged to contact them or come to the office okay why not that's
trail mix yeah trail mix i love it it's got berries in it delicious all right well here we
are it is july 23rd i'm already calling people already already on it see if i dial it right
only one way to find out and uh it's just sitting here like a motherfucker thank you very much
let's try it again thank you for calling let me help you all right how are you doing
how are you okay uh i'm looking here in the newspaper uh you got some positions for customer
service did you fill those um i can go ahead and transfer you back to recruiter's voicemail
if you'd like they're all at lunch right now though oh where are they at they all go to lunch
between 11 30 and 12 45 where do they go usually maybe i can meet them i have no idea they don't
tell me where they're going to lunch i'm stuck here do you like chipotle yes i do you want to
bring you some chipotle no that's okay i'll bring you some i'll get you a burrito bowl they don't
have a lot they're gluten-free they don't have a lot of calories um so i i don't know if you want
somebody's voicemail or if you wanted to call back then so you think maybe in 30 minutes i'm
I'm sorry?
Do you think maybe like in 30 minutes?
No, they don't get back until about 1245.
Do you have one of those boards where they move their dot to say they're at lunch when they go to lunch?
Do we have any what to say that?
Do you have like this board on the wall?
And then when I go to lunch, if I'm working there, you take your dot from in the office and you move it to at lunch.
And then you go and when you come back, you have to move it.
Well, we have one, but they don't really use it for lunch.
they usually only do it when they're out of the office completely oh that's cool you do that there
yeah oh do you do it um i do it yeah sometimes or the recruiters do it that's really cool that's
a great system you got there i'm emotion that hey i'm gonna call back like around 12 30 right honey
all right sounds good all right my name's eddie it was good to meet you all right thank you sir
all right bye-bye all right i'm gonna choke usually not a good thing to chew food while
Oh, you're calling about a job.
So in that case, since she's just a receptionist, we're okay.
I had the wrong one.
All right.
We're going to put a CB on that here on the paper.
Give her a call back.
1230.
Okay.
Here's one.
Well, can you dig it is back.
That's the Rambo story one that I had.
You're still looking.
We can give him a call.
But before that, here's a janitorial job.
Cleaning person needed for an office building.
three to five nights a week starting at 5 p.m they have several locations available
and you must have transportation experience and pass a background check sounds cool man
just give them a call see what the what for is on the job machine over there to clean the toilets
guys you knew i was gonna take it there i love toilets man toilet still thought about the word
toilets this is naughty that's why i say it so much it's fun they sound fun too they sound so
so refreshing using a toilet is so refreshing nice clean white toilet i want to get a black
toilet that'd be awesome i bet you jc has like a black marble toilet that's awesome black marble
toilet sorry the mailbox is full and there is not enough space to leave a message god damn it man
god damn it man no answer perhaps everyone is at lunch because they're stupid and not wanted to
To cooperate with the evil prank caller from the newspaper.
Here's a job for a road mechanic.
See what happens there.
Immediate opening for a road mechanic.
You need excavation and paving experience.
Hey, how you doing there, boy?
Hello?
Hello?
Yeah, hey, boy.
I was calling because I'm looking here for a construction job for a road mechanic.
I've got a lot of experience.
Can I talk to someone there?
Little lady?
Okay, hang on one second.
All right, honey.
And we're waiting.
Hey, how you doing there, lady?
Good, how are you?
I'm pretty good.
I'm just having a little bit of breakfast.
I'm sorry, you're cutting out.
I'm having a little bit of breakfast, but I'm good.
Sir, you're cutting out.
Hey, you hear me?
Just barely.
What about now, damn it?
That's better.
Goddamn phone, right?
Yep.
Okay, I see you have an immediate opening for a road mechanic.
Yes, you're more than welcome to come in and put in an application.
Well, I know that.
I understand that, but it said I could call if I had questions.
Am I okay?
What type of questions did you have?
Well, is this from nighttime work or daytime work?
Daytime work.
Okay.
And is there any overtime?
I can't answer that question.
It's all based on what we have available at the moment.
Oh, okay.
Is there a man I can talk to?
No, there's not.
He's out of the office right now.
Oh, because, you know, you're a woman.
You understand it's men's work, so you might not know all the details about it.
When will the man be back?
Probably in about two hours.
All right.
What's his name?
His name is Rick.
Are you the wife?
I'm sorry?
Are you the wife?
No, I'm not.
You like Rick?
Yes, I do.
Have you ever drank with him?
I'm sorry, sir.
I'm not going to answer any more of your questions.
Did you drink at a holiday party with him?
You have a lovely day.
Thank you.
Did you kiss Rick?
yay thank you for calling excavation and paving if you know your party's extension
please press it now rick one sherry please hold a moment see if he's really gone hello you reached
a voicemail box rick i am unable to take your call this i guess he is out of the office damn
it let me call again see if i can get her back hey is that rick pardon me that rick how you
you doing, boy? No, this is Rodney.
How can I help you? Oh, Rodney. Okay.
That's a boy's name? Uh, yeah.
Yeah. Is, uh, Rick there?
I'm trying to call Big Dick Rick. He's a friend
of mine. Uh, no. No.
He's at lunch. This is gonna be
like two hours. Boy, he eats a lot, huh?
He's like a horse, that guy.
Okay, what's... Can I take your name
and I'll give him your name?
Yeah, well, you got my number there and the ID.
This is a new phone. I don't deal with that shit.
I don't call myself, you know what I mean?
Okay, and your name is? Uh, this
This is Eddie.
Eddie?
Yeah.
Okay, last name?
Cross.
Eddie Groff.
Yeah.
Okay, Eddie.
Hi, how you been, Rodney?
You doing good?
Uh, yeah.
What's your phone number?
You got it there on the ID.
I don't know the phone number.
It's a new goddamn phone, you know?
Oh, I see.
Mm.
Hey, who's that one chick that answers the phone there?
Uh, can I ask what you're calling in regard to?
Uh, I've got to talk to my buddy, Rick.
Okay, well, I'll have him give you a call if you give me a phone number.
Oh, all right.
Well, who's that one chick that answered the phone there earlier I was talking about?
Okay, look, I'll let Rick know that you had called.
If you give me a phone number, he'll call you back.
Listen, boy, I'm going to ask you a question now.
Who's that one chick over there that answers the phone that I was talking to before?
You got hearing problems?
I'm going to ask you a question.
God damn it.
I don't need to hear about giving him a phone number.
I don't want to answer.
I get so mad sometimes, man, because bullshit.
He doesn't hear my question.
i keep asking him what i need stupid and put cb there call back see if we can talk to
rick the dick let me write that down that name rick i said boy that guy sure can eat he sure
can't put it down everybody all right twenty dollars plus an hour full and part-time local
distributor for international manufacturer machines now expanding and has openings in
customer relations department no experience required international manufacturer huh they
offer no layoffs complete how do you offer no layoffs how can you offer no layoffs whatever
we swear we'll never lay off we will never go out of business who's gonna hold them accountable for
no layoffs when they fucking go out of business who the fuck are they to say that all applicants
this must be neat in appearance oh boy we're uh shaking high up on the tree for this one they
actually had to put that in here in the ad hey don't come like a slob we've been having we've
been having problems now with people answering in the ad coming in cut off t-shirts and torn jeans
so let's at least try to get them down here in a pair of dickies or something
must be neat in appearance shit you can be in a t-shirt and still be neat in appearance what
What the fuck?
How are they going to offer $20 an hour?
The people they're going for have to be reminded,
don't come in dressing like a Mexican
that just finished a hard day of landscaping in the Florida sun.
I'm not saying I'm Mexican.
Anything derogatory, I'm just saying.
They work hard.
They sweat, man.
Those are some hardworking people.
They're just trying to get by.
Hey, look, if you're calling me on Skype, you're calling the wrong one.
Hey, you're calling just Tom.
How can I help you?
Hey, how you doing, ma'am?
I'm doing all right.
How are you?
I'm pretty good, lady.
I'm seeing here he's got customer relations.
Yeah, you're talking about the ad in the paper?
Yeah, what's up with that?
Yeah, hold on one second.
Let me transfer you to that department.
All right, damn it.
Oh, come on.
We're calling back.
Give that guy a shift.
Take it to him.
Thank you for calling.
This is Christina.
Yeah, this is Christina.
Now, I'm calling about that job.
There was some...
Oh, okay, wonderful.
Hang on one second for me.
I want to explain something.
Okay, hang on one second for me.
Can I explain something first?
Damn it.
Hello?
Jesus Christ.
That's what those have to wait.
Hello, you calling about the ad?
Yeah, what's going on?
Why do you do that, man?
What are you talking about?
I was trying to talk to you on the phone.
You hung up the phone when you picked up.
And this other woman won't let me explain myself.
Oh, I couldn't understand.
Are you calling about the ad?
Yeah, how you doing, big guy?
How are you, man?
What's that?
How you doing, big guy?
I'm just having a little bit of lunch right now.
Oh, good for you, man.
Good for you.
And you looking for full-time or part-time?
Oh, well, it depends.
What are the hours?
The hours are, that I don't know.
They'll go over that with you in the briefing.
So what do you do there?
Are you a receptionist?
Yeah, pretty much.
I set up the appointments.
Oh, wow.
You're an appointment setter?
That's right, man.
That's right.
I tell you what, buddy, I don't think this is going to be for you.
Yeah, man.
Hey, I order you to take my information.
I command you.
Yeah, absolutely.
You have a great day.
Hey, I can get you in big trouble if you don't take my information.
Well, what do I need your information for if I don't think it's a fit?
you still have to take my information it's i know my rights son of a bitch oh gotcha okay yeah it's
a little bit of a hostile thing so i probably won't take your information god damn it i'm gonna
choke your balls off asshole choke his balls off all right we're calling him back help you yeah
is this the guy i was just talking to about job oh yeah the one you were swearing at absolutely
no i've never called before excuse me i've never called talked to you before oh you didn't you
You weren't the guy that was just swearing.
No, I don't swear.
I go to church.
Oh, gotcha.
Different guy.
Well, how can I help you?
I see you got this goddamn job in here.
I'll tell you what, bud.
Next phone call, if you call back, here will be to the police for harassment.
So I highly recommend you don't do it.
I don't give you permission to do that.
It doesn't matter what you give permission for.
I command you to retract that statement.
Absolutely.
Have a wonderful day.
Oh, you retracted, so I can't call again.
You said absolutely.
You agree with me.
No, I wouldn't call here again, or next time it's going to be police station for harassment.
Have a wonderful day.
If you call and it's the third time, nothing's going to happen.
Oh, God.
Oh, I called the wrong number.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
All right.
Just to let you know, sir, I'm calling the police right now.
It was an accident.
Have a wonderful day.
No, come on.
It was an accident.
Calling the police.
That was interesting.
All right.
Here's auto sales local office.
Calling all retired auto sales managers and FBI professionals.
Okay.
That's a weird mix.
Looking for something to keep you busy this summer?
Want a flexible part-time position with unlimited earning potential?
Then look no further.
Auto dealer liaison needed.
A liaison, huh?
What are you doing?
How are you a liaison?
I don't sell the cars.
I'm the liaison.
Jeez, what kind of bullshit is that?
Are you like the greeter at Walmart?
I think that's what it is.
You end up like the greeter at Walmart.
That's a good job for Dark Stranger.
Dark Stranger, you should be a greeter at Walmart.
That's a good idea.
I think that would be a good fit for you.
try it try it let me know how it goes bro i mis-styled this so i have to try again here i
think i got it there we go your call may be monitored and or recorded for quality and
training purposes my name is jamie how can i help you how are you doing i'm good how are you
yeah i see you got um sorry here i'm sorry i'm just having a little bit of lunch it says
is for our auto dealer
auto dealer
Lay-I
Lay-I-Sin
I need it.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Are you the pretty little receptionist
or are you in the hiring?
No, I'm just one of the sales agents.
What's up, girl?
How you doing?
Hello?
Yeah, can I speak to someone
about auto dealer
Lay-I-Sin?
Yep, just one moment.
All right, honey.
Okay, thank you so much for holding.
He's on the other line right now.
Can I take a message and have him give you a call back?
How long do you think it'll be?
Probably around, I'm not really sure, maybe later today.
I'm Eddie.
I'm Eddie.
What's his name?
His name is Frank.
Did he go to lunch yet or has he gotten to lunch already?
I'm not sure when he's going to go, but I can go ahead and take your information down
and go ahead and send that over to him.
Yeah, maybe I can, like, if you tell me where he goes to lunch, I'm going to call back.
In fact, you tell me where he goes to lunch, and then I'll go there and talk to him, right?
Okay.
Yep, so stay with me for one moment, okay?
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay, thank you so much for holding.
I'm going to go ahead and send you over to him, okay?
All right, sexy.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
This is Frank speaking.
Happy to help you.
Big Frank, how you doing there, buddy?
Hey, how's it going?
I'm just having a little bit of lunch reading a Sunday paper.
Oh, good for you.
See you.
Yeah.
It says auto dealer liaison needed.
I lost you there.
Auto dealer, Lye Eisen.
Lye.
Liaison, yes.
What do I do?
What's going on?
Am I like the greeter at Walmart for the dealer?
I can't understand a word you're saying.
I'm sorry.
Oh, maybe because I'm eating?
No, your phone is breaking up.
A lot of static in there.
Is that better yet or no?
You're going in and out.
What number are you at?
Maybe I can give you a buzz right back.
I'll give you a call because I don't like, you know, you're an insurance salesman and
you're not to be trusted, you know?
Oh, I got you right here.
I'll give you a buzz right back.
All right, hurry up.
All right, I'll wait on him.
Asshole got the number out.
Let's try this here.
Okay.
Hey, boy.
Hello.
Hey, how you doing there, boy?
Hey, how's it going?
What's your name?
Oh, this is Eddie.
Eddie what?
Eddie Cross.
K-R-A-U-S-E?
C-R-O-S-S, please.
Cross, you got it.
How can I help you, Ed?
Hey, man.
So, it's Eddie, not Ed.
How can I help you, Edward?
Eddie.
Now you're doing that on purpose, huh?
Because you did it twice.
Why did you say Edward?
How can I help you, Eddie?
You're being very nasty.
You were very nasty there.
I know what you were doing.
I'm not stupid.
I'm not a stupid, all right?
When I asked you not to call me Ed, because that's not what people call me, you said Edward on purpose.
No, I said Eddie.
I'm not an Edward.
It doesn't say Edward.
My parents named me Eddie.
E-D-D-I.
You got it, Eddie.
How can I help you?
Obviously, you can't, because you're a rude, nasty person.
What do you do?
Do you sell things?
You're down to that level?
No, we actually make prank phone calls all day.
That's what we do here.
you're down hey eddie do me a favor what uh don't call this number anymore okay or i appreciate it
thanks a lot or what take care that's a threat everyone make sure to give eddie uh give him a
call we'll be posting that number in a madhouse chat room here in just a few minutes please
remind me if i forget i'm gonna circle that put a p on it for post asshole he knows what he did
I'm not stupid.
Yeah, actually, yeah, you're right.
He called me.
Corrupt.
Corrupt.
He called me.
He said, don't call this number again, and he's the one that called me, right?
Son of a bitch.
Little bastard.
Call may be monitored and or recorded for quality and training purposes.
My name is Jamie.
How can I help you?
Hey, Jamie.
This is Eddie.
How are you?
I'm good.
How are you?
I was just talking to that Frank.
Uh-huh.
Do you know he made fun of my name on purpose, and he said that my kind of people aren't
allowed to uh call him or talk to him on the phone or go there he said okay can you pass a
message on to frank um okay are you ready i'm sorry did you want me to transfer you back over
to him no i want you to copy down a message and deliver to frank please okay line one are you
going to write it down yes all right line one frank comma okay line two you're the one that
have called me not the other way around okay line three love comma last nine last line eddie cross
e-d-d-i-c-r-o-s-s and i want two underlines under my first name because that's how you say my name
and that's how it's spelled okay and he made fun of it all right i'm sorry about that because you
want to go ahead and speak with him again and do p and do ps under it god jesus forgave i will
will forgive too okay and that's it i just just please give that to him and keep that confidential
all right i don't want anyone else there talking about it okay all right all right all right i'll
let him know all right bye honey all right bye thank you all right there you go i wonder if she
does the two underlines underneath it uh did we do the cleaning person i don't think they answered
right yeah it's not 12 30 yet so we can't call those other ones back i do have another job here
or circled uh anticipated high school assistant principal 260 days a year available immediately
mathematics background preferred high school experience preferred it says you may contact
human resources department at and their phone number so let's give them a call that's right
assistant principal number you dialed is not in service son of a bitch all right maybe i
i misdialed it i'll be honest i do that a lot remember you dialed stupid you're gonna pay those
phone bills at the schools man all right we got a science charter school accepting apps for a pa
certified special education teacher and for a teacher's aid you're required to have an associate's
degree or equivalent and should send a letter of interest resume and clearances to dr moran
oh it's called dr moron well i don't know this is a phone number or fax number it doesn't say
Okay, so let's see.
This might be a fax number.
This is an invalid phone number.
Come on, man.
Come on, Carlos.
Get on it, man.
Dial this shit's right.
Mr. Hess, how can I help you?
I'm trying to speak to Dr. Moron.
Dr. Moran is not available at the moment.
Can I take a message or transfer you to his voicemail?
When will he be available there, big guy?
I would expect him later this afternoon.
Yeah, what's he doing?
Is he at lunch?
I'm sorry?
Is he at lunch?
I can't really say.
I just know that he's not available at this moment.
He can eat a lot of food, that guy, man.
He eats a lot of food.
I invited him over to a holiday party, and he ate half the pot roast.
Oh, my.
Yeah, you see how he is.
He can put it down.
Me and him go way back, way back.
I used to tell him about his socks.
He had these nice socks he used to wear, and he let me wear a pair of his one day.
I used to like to put my shoes on in the car before I go to work, you know.
I would just walk out.
I'd put my shoes on at the parking lot, you know, when I got to where I had to go.
And I packed the shoes, and I didn't pack socks.
And he took his own socks off, and he let me put them on.
Wow.
Yeah.
Isn't that awesome?
It is.
It's a beautiful thing, right?
Yeah.
So what do you do there?
Are you a math teacher?
teacher i am the assistant principal oh do you have a math background do i personally um i have
an elementary background oh okay so like if i had asked you like if a train leaves pittsburgh going
30 miles an hour and another one left arizona going 50 miles an hour like where would they
meet do you know how to do that i could probably figure it out where do it real quick well i would
would need to know the distance between the distances involved oh let's say let's say 300
miles let's say 300 miles i'm gonna do it with you hang on 300 miles distance between the two okay
and then train a leaves point a going 30 miles an hour at a constant speed and then train b
leaves point b going 40 miles an hour okay and then let's see here mph and the distance between
Between A and B is 300 miles.
So how do we do that?
I don't know the formula.
Is there a special formula for it?
Do I need a graphing calculator?
Probably you could just formula.
Oh, man.
I'm not at this moment.
Oh, wow.
I'm in the middle of something.
I have the moment to figure this out right now.
Oh, wow, man.
If I don't pass this.
Oh, man.
Like, I'm taking the test now, and the teacher stepped out of the room.
So I'm at the community college.
so if i if he comes back in i'm on the phone i'm in big trouble you know yeah so if you can help me
out do this in the next few minutes i'll appreciate it so much if you're taking the test i really
shouldn't be helping you with that i've got bluetooth on he doesn't know he's senile he's
outside but that would be unethical everyone already left the classroom i'm the last one
and he like left and he said i have 10 minutes left he was gonna go check something in his office
and come back it would be unethical for me to help you if you're taking a test because you're
being assessed on your ability to do the work not mine but i'm not going to tell anyone come on man
please it's not honest and i mean i'm sorry but i i'm not going to do that please come on man
it goes against everything that i believe in i'll give you i'll give you a massage i'll give you a
back rub there is nothing that will motivate me to to help you on this not in a testing situation
You want to kiss my wife?
I'll let you kiss my wife.
I'm sorry.
There's no way that I can assist you with this at this time.
You want to kiss me?
I really cannot assist you with this at this time.
You can kiss me.
All right.
I won't tell anyone.
I am not going to assist you in this, not during a testing condition.
It's unethical, and I will not do it.
I admire your ethics.
It's what little bit I have.
It's what I live by.
It's the code of an assistant principal.
It's been my code my whole life.
If I want to do the right thing, you know, and if I can support somebody and they need supported, you know, I would do that.
But not when, you know, not during this type of a situation.
All right.
Oh, he's coming.
I got to go.
All right.
All right, bye.
Shit.
Damn.
I told him he could kiss me even.
I think he wanted to kiss me.
He kind of thought about it for a second there when I said that one.
HP Lovecraft in the chat room says he thinks that guy may have been a little light in the loafers.
yeah me think so too very good sir you got a point shit it would be unethical guys unethical
um i don't know maybe i'm done how long did i do what did i do 45 minutes i did 56 minutes
all right i don't know if i want to do no more you know i don't want to do no more i said from
the beginning it'd be a short thing i want to read my book a little bit before i go to sleep
i gotta be at work at 11 o'clock at night well i gotta be at work at 11 30 i'm out of numbers on
the front page and i don't feel like waiting for that first number that we called i don't feel like
waiting for that guy to come back yeah yeah okay i'm done hey guys thanks for hanging out with me
for an hour just shy of an hour i appreciate it those who did listen i'll put this on a podcast
as soon as possible hopefully maybe i can catch that up this week here all right i'll be back on
live on thursday until then i'm gonna leave you guys to you the rotations of your respective
uh prank call internet radio stations thank you and have a good day
Comments 0
Loading comments…