Postmenopausal

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Oh, you sound like you're post-menopausal.

Am I right?

Let me take a sniff.

I'm sorry?

Let me take a sniff.

Yeah, you sound like you're post-menopausal.

Are you?

Are you older?

I'm post-menopausal.

I'm not playing no fucking games, man.

I, I fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making a stupid comment.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

why don't you piss off you're listening to the madhouse radio prank cast show tuesday morning

we're doing this every once in a while it's maybe the fourth one fifth one we've done this year

so far this summer so far we've been having a lot of fun with these after uh early late morning

early afternoon shows on the east coast it's a morning show i suppose if you're over west of the

mississippi but i will be doing some prank calls here i have a copy of the sunday paper

here in front of me i have already gone through it and circled all the pertinent advertisements

for jobs here i'm going to be giving those guys a call and messing with them a little bit we also

have some numbers here people have posted things for sale online including a jack russell terrier

puppy uh someone has a new connect for the xbox with two new games almost new never hardly played

with probably because you're a stupid uh lazy asshole because you actually have to get up and

move around you see i know i'm not gonna do that shit i'm not gonna be sitting there moving around

fuck that if i'm gonna play a video game call me old if you want but fuck that it started off with

with those stupid dance arcade machines.

Now they got us doing it in the house.

Now you can't play games if you don't break a sweat.

The fuck's that about?

I keep it old school.

Like Steve Harvey.

Anyway, thanks for tuning in if you are.

Not many of you are because we were having trouble

with the audio feed over at madhouselive.com.

But that is fixed now.

Sorry, this happens maybe once a month.

The server software that I use for the station

just starts bleeping and blopping.

I have to reboot it a few times to get it to start working right.

But hey, should be fixed for the rest of the month, I guess.

I don't know.

All right, let me take a look here at the paper.

I want to call that Kinect number, by the way, motherfucker.

I'm going to call that Kinect number.

Full-time, first, second, and third shift for assembly.

That's the kind of work my dad did.

Call XYZ Engineering.

We need experience in electronic assembly.

All right.

I'll prank them as my dad.

Sounds good.

Harness the power of Carlito Sr. here real quick.

Hey, good afternoon, Craig.

Yes.

How are you doing there, handsome?

I guess I need to know who I'm talking to.

Oh, this is Eddie, and I'm calling because I have experience in assembly with PC boards.

I used to work for, you know, a company called Stromberg Carson in the 70s?

No, I don't.

They were bought by Siemens.

They used to be called Advanced Distribution International Business Machines.

okay and this was in florida i would i would take the pc board and they would give it to us

and they said put these in this order and we made video phones and went to puerto rico and that's

where i'm from originally okay and could you give me your name again i'm sorry oh this is eddie eddie

cross c-r-o-s-s yeah hang on i got a little bit a little bit of gas here all right c-r-o-s-s and

And it's E-D-D-I-E.

Where do you live now, Eddie?

I live here in Central PA.

I don't like giving all the information out because I called him for a job once and I had this pervert come to my house when I gave him my information.

I never heard that one, but that's fine.

He was a pervert.

I tell you, he came over and he said that he wanted to show me how to sell the vacuum cleaners and everything.

Have you ever heard of Kirby Vacuum Cleaner?

Yeah, right.

He came over to show me, and instead of trying to show me how to sell it, he's just trying

to get me to buy the stupid thing, you know?

And I thought that the whole time he was, you know, giving an example of a sales, and

at the end he said, you know, I had to take, you know, a checkbook out and all this, and

he ended up selling me these two vacuum cleaners and a steam cleaner and a carpet shampooer,

and I don't even have carpet.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, and he was perverted then, like, when I, after I got that, then he started saying, hey, you know, and he sat down, and he said, this is a nice couch, you know, this is a nice couch, he was saying, you know, and he started looking at the pictures of my wife, and my children, and my wife, and he said, wow, you have a really nice-looking wife, you know, she's very...

And all that came from a phone call about a job.

yeah he's like oh you got a really nice looking wife really sexy wife he said like that i said

you have a sexy wife you know and he started like going like that yeah and then he asked if he could

have he's like oh this is a beautiful family he said it was a picture of me and my wife and my two

kids my two twins and he was like you mind if i take this one home with me he said like that

Yeah, everything.

He was a pervert, a pervert guy.

So, Eddie, what experience do you have, and what are you looking for?

I told you I used the PCB boards, and I put things on it with the glue gun and with the soldering iron.

I said that already.

Okay.

Damn it.

What's your experience?

What do you do?

Kirby vacuums.

Two vacuums, a carpet shampooer, and a steam machine.

Engineering, Missanda speaking.

How may I help you?

hey honey how are you good how are you doing good i was just talking to a man there and he

like hung up on me and he said he said a curse word he thought he hung up the phone all the way

but it only like came off halfway you know what i mean and i could hear him still and he said god

damn it like that and he said f-u-c-k asshole he said about me like that i heard i heard what he

said he slammed the phone down but it didn't hang it up the receiver stayed off for a little bit

it and he said god damn it like that and he said f-u-c-k like that and s-h-i-t and everything and

and he said i was an asshole he said he said what an a-hole like that but he said the asshole um can

i have your name and your number this is eddie i'm not gonna give my name because that man sounds

like he's a pervert who else who else is answering the phone honey baby well i mean i just answered

the phone so i'm not sure exactly who you were well you got like you got like 50 people there

something how many men are answering the phone there come on okay well did you need anything

i'm asking you a question did you need anything sir can i help you i have i have a question

who is the man i was talking to hello damn it hello put me on hold huh they did they actually

did it that time they thought they hung up and they didn't thank you for calling your call is

is important to us on assignment my ass my ass is on assignment to kick their asses hey guys thanks

again for tuning in if you're making it live here we started with zero listeners again because we

had technical difficulties with our normal station oh i take that back we had uh quite a few listeners

on cacti and on uh blue planet about 70 and we're up to 86 now so we're doing pretty good guys we're

doing pretty good man i lost my pen i gotta mark that down that i called it fuck where's the pen

machine oh my kitty cat's back there chloe hey chloe what's up you stinky ass bitch sing it

lenny that was assembly electronic machines all right now we go on to automotive body work machine

part-time body work very nice things got so bad if anybody wants to join me if you're listening

and you want to jump in on skype if you're listening to this live on tuesday august the 6th

I'm having problems with the woman that I love.

You can join us or join me.

I just can't get her to answer.

Then I went to her house and I saw a car parked in the driveway.

Just hit me up on Skype.

I knocked on the door, but still my knocks went unanswered.

Hello?

Hey, what do you say there, big guy?

I see you got automotive body work here.

You got what?

You got the damn automotive body part-time work.

Yeah.

Yeah, I like to do that kind of stuff.

You got that position still open, damn it.

Well, who are you?

Oh, this is Eddie.

How are you, buddy?

Eddie?

Yeah.

Eddie, is that the way you always apply for a job?

Oh, no, I'm on lunch.

I can barely hear.

I'm on my lunch break right now.

I'm down at the, you know, the goddamn diner, you know?

Yeah, well, that's a hell of a place to make a phone call.

Oh, yeah, well, I only get so long, and I got the diabetes, you know, and my sugar gets low.

That's, see, my sugar was low.

So I came to the diner to get some pancakes to bring my sugar up, you know.

I see, I see.

Now, let's get back to business, Eddie.

How much experience do you have?

I have four years experience with body straightening machines and the car machines, you know, and sanding and everything and putting the paint on the damn car, you know, reupholsterizing it and ordering parts and picking up the parts in my truck.

i go to my truck i turn it on and i put the gas and put it in neutral and i tell the people get

out of the way you gotta hit you know you gotta tell them to move out of the way honk your horn

originally i'm from boston god damn i can't hear you god damn it's loud

it's your phone you got noise in the background

yes it is what were you what are you doing right now who are you in the car

What am I doing right now?

Yeah, I'm in the car right now.

I'm in the truck right now, Eddie.

And you put the window down?

What happened?

No, I don't want to put the window down.

Did you turn the air conditioner on all of a sudden?

No.

No?

Mm-mm.

Oh, hey.

Okay, yeah, you can paint.

You can straighten.

You know this is part-time work, Eddie?

I don't care.

Whatever it is.

Whatever, yeah.

Where do you live at?

I'm going to come down from Boston.

I got family in the area.

you're in boston you live in boston i got family in the area i'm gonna move out there i'm calling

ahead jesus christ man frickin spanish inquisition give me uh give me your phone number where can i

reach you is this your cell phone yeah call the system you goddamn cell phone these asian people

these chinese people stole my phone i went to get an asian massage and they told me to go take a

shower and they were gonna come i was gonna get a massage they said they came to my hotel room

this yeah all right what's your phone number you don't have a phone right i have the phone listen

i'm explaining to you i have my cell phone and the number i knew the cell phone number i had for five

years and i was i was in the hotel and this asian woman was going to give me a massage and she said

take a shower first and when i came out the lights were off and she stole my my wallet and my cell

phone so now i got a new cell phone and i don't know the goddamn number i've had the worst

First freaking month, I tell you.

Yeah, it sounds like it, Eddie.

And it's just August 6th, and now I'm here, and my blood sugar's low, and I'm talking loud.

Okay, Eddie.

Well, when are you moving down to this area, Eddie?

Well, whenever I can get, you know, work.

So I'll come down and interview, and I'll stay in a hotel, you know.

If you want to come by, we'll drink some beers.

Well, right now, we'd already filled that position.

But I can take your name and number, and if this gentleman doesn't pan out, I can give you a call back.

If you'd like, you can call me back with your cell phone number, Eddie, when you find it, and give that to me, okay?

You son of a bitch.

You said you got it on the ID.

Okay.

Call me back with your number when you find it, Eddie.

The position's been filled, okay?

No, it hasn't.

Yes, it has, and we'll see you later.

What's the person's name?

oh man i want some fried chicken you know what i mean why can't you get fried chicken delivered

motherfucker fuck he ain't answering again we got auto service technician i may have called them

looks a little familiar general technician experience preferred current driver's license

required must be 18 or older past drug test and background test it's supposed to be background

check not background test what an idiot let me tell them that stupid cheap people they put tests

instead of check because i think it has less letters right do the math guys how many letters

in test how many letters in check t-e-s-t-c-h-e-c yeah they saved money one letter is worth cheap

bastards do they even charge by the letter in the newspaper anymore good afternoon time for

calling calin speaking i can help you man i'm sorry i didn't think you were going to answer

so fast uh this is uh i got a notice here auto service technician job yes how you doing oh i'm

I'm good. I've got a lot of experience with the stupid cars and stuff like that, you know?

Okay.

All right.

Have you worked at places before?

Yeah, yeah. Come on, man. Yeah. Yeah, I have. I worked for Firestone, and I was the manager of the Pet Boys once.

Okay.

All right. Don't be...

Do you want to come in and fill out an application?

Well, this says here to call if I have questions. Is it a problem that I'm calling?

No.

I mean, come on. What was your name?

My name's Sam.

Sam. That's Ben's name? That's a boy's name?

Excuse me?

that's a boy's name sam yes okay uh i don't know what sam manther simmanuel um all right so i see

here it says you have to pass drug and background test right correct now it's a drug test or a

background check you know it's not a background test what's the background test you're gonna test

me on my background or you're gonna check my background like you know come on it's a good

question i gotta know asshole sam he's got a girl's name in his name kim good afternoon

speaking i can help you yes ma'am listen i really need to find out what i'm asking is that are you

going to test me on my background with auto mechanic technician machine or are you saying

you're going to check my background because which one check your background so it should have said

said background check not test right i guess i don't i don't have it right in front of me sir

i can read it i have it here right in front if you don't believe me it says past drug i didn't

say that thank you for the call why did you have them do it wrong

oh shit i'm just gonna call people out and how stupid their ads are like that one

he's like whatever actually the first show that we did like this uh earlier in the summer uh

uh the first one i think i told the guy that his ad was stupid because it was like three words

it was like business professional call and number i was like that's stupid what's that say

shit okay guys let's continue let's leave that guy alone maybe i'll call him later i'll pull it i'll

put a i'll put a hash mark next to that which means call back before we end the show and that's

big sam samantha is that a boy's name or a girl's name i love powerade motherfucker how about you

guys you guys like power and let me know in the chat room you like powerade assholes caregivers

we got two ads here for caregivers let's call the first one these are people who are paid

to clean the assholes of old people who are in the in the bed forever thank god but there's people

people who do this i would appreciate it if i was in the hospital you know and i couldn't move or in

my bed i couldn't move someone will come and put their fingers and clean my asshole with their

fingers and everything with gloves on but still you know asshole thank you for choosing to sit

here how you doing big girl hello hello yeah see here you've got looking for caregivers to give

care all shits car necessary clean record all right so how many do i have to clean exactly

i'm sorry how many what you have to clean how many records do i have to clean sorry you're

reading our ad yeah all shifts car necessary clean records so i don't know how many records

you have to clean you know or the 45s or what exactly but i use vinyl i have a special vinyl

vinyl cleaner and i use a terry a special cloth not a terry cloth a microfiber cloth and i clean

them and i put them back in their sleeves and i have an epoxy i can put on the records if they

have any scratches and stuff like that no we're we're meaning clean criminal background like a

clean um oh yeah that's all fine yeah that's you i can pass that i just you know i've i used to be

a radio executive for a while and i was a radio engineer and i used to clean all the records and

the tape drives and every week you'd clean the hard drive the tape drives you know and the

microphones you would service them and you have to keep the records in order and everything you know

and you have to have backgrounds for that yeah i've got plenty of background with that

yeah and we had okay can you hold on can you just hold on for a minute please yeah and i would you

know go to the bathroom and i'd you know put my girlfriend on the countertop sometimes yeah

Assuming you're not doing a valid job, right?

No, no.

It's for the clean record.

Caregiver cleaning the records.

Yeah.

I'm serious.

Yeah.

Hold on.

Okay.

Please.

Thank you for calling.

This is Megan.

Yeah.

Was I just talking to you about the job?

No.

Who was that?

A woman with attitude over there.

Well, who was that?

I'm not sure.

Sounds like she's like a firecracker.

that one you know that girl i'm sorry is there something else i can help you with put her out

with water who can i talk to about this caregivers all shifts car necessary for cleaning records i've

got experience using solvents and uh cleaning devices and machines to clean all types of

records and then i organize them after okay um are you talking about being a caregiver yeah it says

It says here all shifts, car necessary, clean record.

Yeah, I used to clean records all the time when I worked for IBM.

Okay, well, it's actually like light house duty.

Basically, it's what it is, light house cleaning.

Duty.

I know, I know.

I'm like, wait, that's not it.

And it's all non-medical.

We all have to take a duty sometimes.

Well, that's actually part of it.

Personal care sometimes.

sometimes um you get to clean the asshole and all that yeah will be required sometimes do you get to

wear gloves and stuff oh well yeah of course have you do you do that you just answer the phone honey

i really like i actually am a caregiver um but i am working in the office today so yeah so i do do

that you sound like you got a nice little thing on you i like you you know you like chipotle um

everyone likes chipotle all sexy girls like chipotle yeah oh yeah yeah you like it okay

yeah you like it you want to go chipotle um no thanks oh buy you a burrito bowl it's got

very little carbs it's so good and they got quesadillas and everything oh so good you get

the chips and stuff oh yeah if you're for real on the up and up you know we'll go we'll talk about

caregiving i want you to tell me everything about your interesting job honey okay well um yeah

Aren't you interested in the job?

Oh, I'm interested.

Yeah, do you like clothes from Old Navy?

Maybe we can go to Old Navy after and I'll buy you a few outfits or a T-shirt or something,

an Old Navy shirt, some pajama pants if you want, you know, stretchy pants.

I like sitting around after work in my stretchy pants sometimes.

Oh, okay.

Isn't that fun?

You sit around in those stretchy pants and light some candles and, you know, you have

a Kindle?

You have an Amazon Kindle?

You have one of those?

E-book reader?

no no maybe i'll let you check mine out it's so cool i get angry birds on it and i read my books

and everything you know like okay well are you interested in the job or yeah totally man if i

got to hang out with chicks like you yeah about most of our clients are not people like me they're

older yeah but we can hang out sometimes after work we hang out you know we'll go to chipotle

together for lunch you know would you can you train me you know you trained me um no i don't

do that oh man wow wow do you have boyfriend i don't you don't why why no no that's awesome

wow i don't have that has no okay so if you want to fill out an application you can come

into the office all right i'll see i'm gonna come and i'll see you you know do you know where the

office is uh let me see here it says i need a car it says yeah homestead senior care yeah i got out

here on google i found it already okay all right honey i'll come by i'll bring you something all

right i'll bring you a little something you know okay i'll bring you a little burrito you know

maybe i'll bring a nice outfit for you to try on you sound like a dirty girl wow totally get that

rory says ask if i cannot wear the gloves so that took a turn that went from getting the one lady

they really pissy at me into the one who was kind of cool here's a different number for the same

company it looks like and they have it listed as a separate office so okay here we go fed senior

care lori speaking yes lori hi do you know uh megan from the west shore location why not who's

calling please this is eddie do you know megan why you don't know her why um i'm sorry eddie i

I don't know who you are.

I order you to answer the questions.

Oh, fuck.

Stead, Senior Care Lori speaking.

Don't get snippy with me, little lady.

Senior Care Lori speaking.

Hello, this is Bill, and I've never called before.

How are you?

She's too smart for that one.

All right.

Construction and labor.

Have we called these before?

We've called at least one construction and labor already.

ready i don't know this is the same one let's call them anyway come on guys let's do it

i'm gonna be getting up in a little bit and get myself a sandwich for lunch because it's lunch

time here in pennsylvania that's something excited lined up for lunch hour prank calls

fuck you trying again i got caught chewing the gloves

condoms chewing the gloves milkman had a dog and he used to chew his condoms true story

did the fuck up um the dog chewed milkman's used condoms not milkman chewing the dog's

condoms that would make no sense guys come on um carpenter like jesus local modeling company

modeling company looking for a carpenter with a minimum of 10 years experience and roofing

siding and framing benefits available the benefits are you get paid and they've got

and they've got a cook machine in the main office you can use you can buy stuff with

someone at work tried to tell me oh anyway our sodium machines here are a company benefit like

how the fuck is it a benefit if i'm paying for it stupid company benefit adds a benefit to the

the companies are getting a cut my ass company benefit the vending machines are the car company

benefit employee benefit yeah i work with some really stupid people man i seriously i called

them i was like you you think that the vending machines that they have in the break room are

an employee benefit provided to by the company we work for yes thank you for calling that's

seriously what this this co-worker of mine was absolutely 100 not wanting to hear any other side

of it it's like yes okay okay stupid stupid slug brain idiot dumb ass i think we're gonna get a

carpenter job call here sorry nope all right we'll move along then we got a different carpenter job

here this one they must have you must have your own tools and truck and a desire to work salary

determined by experience skill and work ethics lead carpenters with at least five years of field

old supervisory experience fuck man talk about casting a narrow net no one got time for that

shit the

fucking company benefit would be if they were giving away free snacks like google

like if you were google where you can eat for free at the googleplex there's a that's that's

an employee benefit other than that's a business opportunity for the company and the guy that fills

the vending machines stupid you reach as soon as you construction please read your name try them

again sandwich time quickly approaching get ready satan begging me to do it call mormons in a white

devil voice okay satan i got that on the big board on the big board motherfucker you reach

pranks and pooping go hand in hand says tabachi i agree i i don't do the pranks but i'd like

listening to pranks when i'm shitting as i'll listen to aaron's show sometimes when i'm taking

making a shit at work, you know, and Corrupt and Tabachi both saying that, yeah, they got

word of the show on Twitter, that's the best way, man, whenever I'm going on live, I'm sure to,

I update Twitter, I update Facebook every time with a message, hey, going on live now,

and I drop a link to the site, and I just drop my clipboard, I hope you guys are all having a

great blessed week so far, we are 0 for 2 with carpenter jobs, anyway, I'm going to take that

a quick break i was talking about sorry guys i gotta have something to eat for lunch i didn't

have breakfast and i gotta pee also i'm always peeing and i i'm always in here i gotta pee i

gotta pee i gotta go win win win i have a uti so anyway here's a prank call call no free grand

slam for jack i'll be back in about five or six minutes i apologize for the wait stand by

I'll buy the crafter juice and you give me the instead give me the grand slam for free

no I'll pay for the crafter juice what you give me the no no that special ended at two

this afternoon there'll be no free grand slam giving that's right everybody

no free grand slam giving I'm back Carlito is back let's continue with some more prank calls

quickly quickly while there's still time here's another carpenter job see if they answer this time

hey big guy how you doing hey this is eddie i see you got the carpenter's job

need a tape measure and know the names and uses of hand tools okay yeah i know well that's kind of

rudimentary right like pretty elementary like what am i going to be doing exactly just reading stuff

and taking measurements no no what's your name no no it's eddie eddie are you currently working

no i'm at lunch right now i'm just eating lunch at home i haven't been working for a while yeah

hello where do you live um i'm here in central pa i'm a little worried wary of giving it out

because i had a pervert come to my house once when i told him where i live uh so did you fill

position yet? I'm sorry.

I'm diabetic. My sugar's low. I had to eat something,

you know? Okay.

It was a good sandwich, too.

I made it myself.

I make a real good sandwich. Anyway,

so are you accepting

applications online or in person?

In person. Okay.

Well, what interviews?

Are you making

applications first?

Hello? Yeah.

You have to come down to the office

and fill out an application.

Oh, you got a vending machine there?

Give me one moment a second.

Uh-huh.

Where is this guy?

Hey!

I'm going to have a little day.

Crackers the Shark checking in.

Prank Call Mania.

Mr. Marine.

Mr. Mime.

That's a new one.

Hello, Mr. Mime.

Welcome.

I'm going to call this guy back because he's taking too long.

He'll just put me like that, waiting for a long time.

Hello, you.

We're sorry, Scott.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too, stupid.

We're moving on.

We ain't got time for that.

Here's the next one.

Child care positions.

positions. No, I don't want to do child care positions. Here's a cleaning job. Evenings only.

Top wage is paid. Must have own car. Okay, here we go. Missing a number again. Mr. Typey Slippy

Fingers over here. Must have typed it wrong. Trying again. Here we go. Work, motherfucker,

work. You have reached cleaning. Please leave your name and phone number so we can give you

will call back oh shit kiss my ass try it again all right satan i'll call the stupid goddamn

faggot mormons fine you have reached all right here's the mormons for satan who wants me to

talk to the mormons all right no agents are available to take your call great great number

satan good thing you've been begging me for the last half hour to call that no agents are available

to take your call yay thank you here's a little white devil so you leave me alone

there you go let me know when that call that number's working against satan and i'll give

it a call for now i'm moving on i got important shit to do construction and labor another

construction job here lots of construction jobs that's good that means the economy's bouncing

back here we go what are you doing i'm sorry i'm having a little bit of lunch right now how are you

Okay, how about yourself?

Okay, don't act like that.

Geez, I'm calling because you have a position for local waterproofing.

Okay, what can I do?

What are you looking for?

You just want me to fill out the application, send in a resume?

Well, don't start like that because it says here,

big bold letters, phone number.

It's the biggest thing on the ad, you know?

I don't want to be like, I'm calling like I should just be doing something else.

Why don't you just put that in the ad if that's what I need to do?

Okay, they put the phone number information on there so you can call it.

All I'm asking is if you would like to come in and fill out an application,

if you're looking to send in a resume, so I know what information to give you.

Well, I got this stupid address here.

I could send that there, or do you have a fax?

You want me to fax it?

Sure, you can fax in a resume as well.

Give me a second.

Let me take a sip of it.

Guys, let's finish my sandwich.

Okay.

If you wouldn't mind, honey, go ahead and give me that fax number.

Sure.

It is 877.

Okay.

Yes?

280-22-

Okay, and do I have to hit pound after the send, or what?

Not as far as I know.

Okay, you ready for the fax?

Whenever you're ready to send it, go ahead.

Okay, did it go through?

I can't answer that question.

It'll take a few minutes.

They actually come through to our email, and then we print them off.

Well, I just faxed it, though.

Can you check the email now?

No, that's what I'm saying.

It takes a few minutes to come through to our email.

But it says here, confirm.

It says on mine, it says confirm, sent.

It says I have a receipt right here.

It says receive.

I get that.

I understand what you're saying.

Oh, honey.

When I'm letting you know.

You don't know how.

You don't know how machines work.

It takes a few minutes for it to come through to our email, and as soon as it comes through, we'll print it off.

Listen, I know computers, and I'm a man.

Trust me, honey.

I know you don't know how computers and machines work, honey, but when I have the paper here that says receive, that means receive with time and date.

Okay, well, let me go ahead and let you know.

I know plenty about computers, and I'm not trying to be mean, but you're being very condescending and ignorant right now.

And I'm letting you know exactly how things work here, and I know plenty about computers to know enough of what I'm telling you is true, and you know it's true.

And I also know how our computer systems work because they work here every day.

So I'm letting you know it's going to take a few minutes for that to come through to us, and as soon as we get it, I will print it off for them, and I will let them have it and see it, and they can check over it.

look at your qualifications and as soon as they do that if they like you they'll call you and

they'll let you know that's nice honey um now how much if you know about computers how much ram does

your computer have right now that's none of your business oh so you don't know you just don't know

how much ram your computer has so you don't know that much about computers not like me i know

plenty about computers and i'm telling you that it's not your business to know that information

I'm not going to get into this with you.

I don't have time actually to stay on the phone with you because I have a job to do.

So I'm going to let you go.

Honey, baby, can you check your computer, stupid woman, and see if it came in yet?

Do you know how to use a computer?

I'm going to go now.

Thank you for calling.

You have a good day.

Hit F5, honey.

Sexism in the office, please.

Got to love it.

None of my business how much RAM her computer has.

Watch out.

I could use that against her.

For my business.

All right.

Taking a look here.

We got bakers and cooks.

Bakers and cooks, $11.50 to $12.50 an hour.

Third shift, high school diploma or GED required.

What's a GED?

Let's call and ask him what GED is.

I have a GED.

Oh, yeah.

I have GED.

I got GED.

And I got, like, two geds bullshitting my way through the question.

I have both of those.

I got my ged, like, a year after my high school diploma.

If you know the extension of the person you are trying to reach,

please enter it now or remain on the line,

and your call will be transferred to our receptionist.

Mr. Dean, thank you for calling GFC Stepping Company.

Yeah, hi.

Hi, I saw here you have bakers and cooks must have experience for $11.50 to $12.50 an hour, third shift.

What is your name, sir?

This is Eddie, Mr. Eddie Cross.

Eddie, what is your last name?

Cross, C-R-O-S-S.

I didn't catch your name.

You didn't tell me what your name was.

I did.

I said good afternoon, Mr. Schutte, how may I help you?

Who is yelling?

I can't hear you.

I'm sorry?

the person you need to talk to is tony and she's out to lunch at the moment so may i put you into

her voicemail sure where does she go to lunch to chipotle maybe i can meet her down there

i'm sorry what does she go to lunch to chinese buffet or chipotle or something maybe i've run

into her you know i have no idea where she goes to lunch so that's sure that's tony ray right

Yes?

Yeah, I already talked to her.

Hello.

Hi.

Who is making the noise, sir?

I have a difficult time hearing you.

I don't know.

My kid's playing Nintendo DS.

Maybe that's it.

I don't know.

But he's downstairs.

I don't know how you can hear him.

Well, I can hear him very easily.

Stop it.

Would you like Tony's voicemail?

Hang on.

Albert!

All right, yeah.

When will she be back, you think?

Like in an hour, honey?

I have no idea.

I don't even know when she went to lunch or where she went.

God damn, you guys really don't have it organized.

I'll give a call back, okay?

All righty, thank you.

All right, bye.

Bye.

What the fuck was that about?

Well, four weeks ago, I called about this FedEx Ground shipping job.

Let's give them a call back.

What do you say there, guys?

We're calling the FedEx Ground hotline.

We are currently accepting applications.

Debbie, dear, please wait.

This is the place where I said I was like, shut up, nigga.

Shut up, nigga.

Ground is capping.

Yeah, so I'm calling about the FedEx Ground job positions.

You got qualifications, and you put your phone number here so I could ask questions to help.

That's not a problem.

Okay.

You need to take to talk to Human Resources.

Hold on.

I'll transfer you, okay?

Oh, yeah.

Crackers the Shark in the chat room looking to collect money for his ice cream recipe.

Careful, guys.

You have reached Terry in the HR department at FedEx Ground.

Debbie, please wait.

Ground is Kathy.

What's going on, Kathy?

Kathy, I'm trying to talk to Human Resources, and they don't pick up the phone over there.

Okay.

That's so frustrating.

Hold on.

Okay.

Are you transferring me?

Jesus.

You've reached the voice mail box.

Debbie, Derek, please wait.

I found this, Kathy.

Hey!

You know, you said you're going to take care of it, Kathy.

What's going on here?

I didn't say anything about it.

I said I was going to transfer you.

Evidently, there's nobody in or available in resource.

The way you said it was like, I got it, Eddie.

I'm going to take you.

You're going to talk to somebody.

That's the voice tone you gave me.

You put me up for an expectation, all right?

Oh, ho.

So, I mean, when do they come back?

What's going on?

Are they sleeping at the wheel?

Are they painting the office?

Oh, oh.

What's going on?

Hold on.

Let me see if I can get someone.

I'm going to put you on hold a minute, okay?

Walk over there, for God's sake.

get off your ass walk over there all right i'll be right here useless wait here for this you dumb

ass you didn't hang up you didn't hit transfer first of all that woman i was just talking to

she wouldn't transfer the phone and she i heard her hitting the beeps because she forgot to hit

transfer first you know okay what does she do there what's her problem she's like got epilepsy

or something i'm sorry who am i talking to i'm calling about the my name is eddie i'm calling

I'm calling about the package handler position.

Okay.

Yeah.

11.15 hours.

Sounds good now.

How many positions are there?

I mean, am I in trouble because I didn't call yesterday?

You think I can still get in that ass right now?

We take applications Monday through Thursday at 3 o'clock.

Oh, it's like a big revolving door over there, huh?

No, that's our time.

Yeah, but people coming in, coming out, you know, like all the time.

like everyone riding the elevator just like your mom everyone rides the elevator everybody rides

her mom i got tired of that kathy's funny that lady not so funny kathy's hilarious because i

keep making weird grunting screaming noises at her for fuck's sake all right here's uh we got

several positions open here guys bilingual receptionist package shipping warehouse book

Bookkeeper, Order Selection and Forklift Positions, Benefits Data Analysts, and General Labor.

General Labor.

That means basic work.

What does that tell you?

What's General Labor?

Tell me, guys.

Tell me.

Here we go.

Calling in just a moment.

Here we go.

Satan the fucking Mormons don't answer.

What the hell?

Shut up.

Stupid.

Welcome to Saffing.

This is Morphine.

Hey, damn it.

I'm looking here.

You got several positions open.

Okay, have you registered with us before?

No.

Would you like to schedule time to come in and fill out an application?

Well, it says here that I can call if I have questions before that, all right?

Is there a problem?

No, there's no problem.

How may I help you?

Well, you got general labor here, right?

Mm-hmm.

What's that?

That's like basic working or general labor.

Everything's labor.

You're doing labor right now sitting there being pretty.

I mean, what exactly does this entail?

Are you on the website looking at the job description?

i'm in the newspaper that that's a computer honey that you're using that's a mouse honey i said

newspaper i apologize i did not hear what you said at first oh honey well you're looking on

the computer why i said newspaper i know that you don't know how to you know use computers

perfectly i'm sorry you don't know very much about computers and machines you know and you

might not know much you see a newspaper is like this paper that you can buy that has printing

and colors on it and pictures and words and you can read and there's a section called classifieds

on it so i don't appreciate the way you're talking to me i would more than happy to help you however

again i don't appreciate your tone oh i didn't know if i was just making sure you know because

i know like some of you younger girls yes and like i said i apologize i did not hear you the

first time when you said newspaper some of you younger girls only have you know iphones and

of stuff you know i think this conversation is over thank you no

classifieds try her again welcome to the afternoon special how may i help you oh hey i was talking

to that young little girl over there you know who that is um we don't have any young little

girls that we're coming through the melissa here yeah she was so she's like an old fat broad or

something i'm sorry is she like an old fat broad i said young little girl so you're saying she's

not she's an old fat girl old fat woman i have no idea what you're talking about oh are you

sound like you're postmenopausal am i right let me take a spin let me take a sniff yeah you sound

like you're postmenopausal are you are you older postmenopausal get that woman or osteoporosis

fucking vitamins motherfucker all right satan sending in a number for mormons in orlando my

My former hometown.

Are these the Mormons that were blocking the right-of-way?

They had control of the right-of-way.

They wouldn't give it up for the new high-speed rail in Orlando

because they're a bunch of assholes on fucking undeveloped land that they own.

Hey, listen.

Are you the Mormons who were blocking the right-of-way for the train

that's going to go to the airport from Miami?

I don't think so.

Who are those people that live on some ranch?

What's that all about?

but I don't trust Mormons on a ranch.

What's that?

They're, you know, doing all kinds of weird rituals

and underwear and sexual organs out.

What's that about?

I don't think we do that kind of stuff.

You don't have anything like that where you say,

John Smith, and he...

Nope, nope, not at all.

He fathered...

You got that from the wrong people, I'm sorry.

You got the wrong information about ours.

He fathered 42 babies.

He was a pervert, and he had a lot of sex and masturbation.

Is there any point to our conversation here, sir?

Yes.

John Smith had 42 children.

That means he ejaculated inside of the women and everything, right?

Like, he didn't wear condoms.

Can you call in a second, please?

Don't put me on hold forever.

It's a sexual organ.

I'm going to call back because we're on super hold.

We're on the hold of death.

This is the Orlando Florida Temple.

I don't need to be put on hold like that.

What were you trying to do?

I'm trying to get somebody to talk to you, sir.

Is it a man, at least?

please leave a message thank you begin speaking after the tone you are being transferred to

the operator operator orlando florida temple this is brother bolter oh what's up bro uh doing good

how are you oh damn it i'm telling you i was talking to some woman there who answers the phone

you know what i'm talking about okay what can i help you with she said she's gonna put me through

to someone to talk to and you know how women don't really know how to use the telephone and

of stuff so she put me through to a voicemail and i had to hit zero to talk to you what are

you doing there what's up with you how you doing is there something i can help you with yeah i was

you know calling about becoming a member but i have some questions okay well i would encourage

you to contact the missionaries well listen listen to me sir john smith right he had 42 children i

mean when he okay sir thank you for your time he ejaculated echo echo we gotta put on super echo

go there yeah the florida temple does the brother bolter john smith was the founder right sir i can

tell when someone's serious and someone isn't i would be more than happy to talk to you if you're

serious god bless you god bless thank you i love you i love you you have a good day i love you

brother please don't i thought if i said god bless you to work like when your mom's about to spank

you and you say i love your mom and she stops didn't work there all right say that did your

call leave me alone stop posting in the chat room about the mormons and whoever's asking about

Wow, calling Jehovah's.

I don't have a number for the Jehovah's.

What are you talking about?

Get with it, man.

Let's call back on the baking and cook one where we had just had a tet, a tet.

But I said I was going to call back after lunchtime.

Maybe these people are back.

Thank you for calling these staffing companies.

If you know the information of the person...

Good afternoon.

Thank you for calling.

Yes, I was looking.

I was calling back.

You had told me to call back to see if the people were back from lunch.

Okay, it might not have been me.

but who are you looking for?

Well, I'm calling because of these bakers and cooks

that must have the experience, really big letters.

Oh, okay.

Yes, that would be the recruiter, Tony.

I'll try for him.

Yeah, I talked to Tony Ray already,

and I'm supposed to call Tony Ray back,

and I don't know what the stupid problem is.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what to tell you, then.

If you've already spoken to her,

that's the only person I can suggest you talk to about it.

Well, first, she said to call back,

and when I called back,

Everyone's like, she's out to lunch.

She's out getting her hair and her nails done.

Is she there now?

Can I have your name, please?

This is Eddie.

Eddie?

Eddie.

What is your last name?

Cross.

Okay.

Well, she's not available right now.

When did she come back?

It's him.

One moment, please.

It's him.

Hi, this is Jessica.

How can I help you?

Hey, Jessica.

I'm just seeing here that you have bakers and cooks positions available.

Yes.

I invented the cornbread cake.

Okay.

It is a wedding cake made out of cornbread.

Okay.

That's nice and real.

So you are an experienced baker.

Yeah, obviously.

I invented the cornbread wedding cake.

Hello.

Okay, great.

So could you please email me your resume?

Now, yeah, I wanted to let you know, first of all, I'm really qualified.

I do have a high school diploma.

I don't have a problem with third shift, and I do have a GED.

Also, I got my GED.

It only took me a year after my high school diploma.

I've got GED experience.

I got my GED, like I said, less than 12 months after graduating high school.

And I'm hoping to renew my GED here in a few weeks again.

Okay, so if you send me your resume, I would be happy to review that and reply to you.

Okay.

Let me give you my email address, please.

Is it staffing.com?

Um, no.

It is my email address.

It is daughter J.

And then, oh, oh, oh.

Hello?

J as in J-A-S-N-J-E-S-S.

Mm-hmm.

So, jessingjaffing.com?

No, sir.

The letter J.

J as in Jaffica.

Jaffica.

J as in.

All right.

So, J-S-N-J-E-S-S.

So, I don't find this amusing, so my time is valuable.

If you would like to cooperate with me here, I'll give you my email address and you can send me your resume.

I don't find it amusing either.

that I'm running out of unemployment

and you damn Republicans taking away all our rights.

Okay, so I'm sorry.

This conversation is over.

We will not help you in your employment search.

Please do not call again.

Thank you.

I command you to take my information.

All right, guys.

I have been banned from JFC staffing.

It's him.

Free computers, says Ted.

Okay.

I'm being loud with those.

I'll stop doing that.

My neighbor's going to be like, what the fuck?

They got a brand new baby girl downstairs.

she's like four weeks old and i'm sitting up here yelling like a fucking maniac poor thing

gotta behave guys okay we got custodian here custodian job that's for school though no never

mind customer service needed immediately strong-minded individuals needed for our telephone

contacting department experience helpful helpful but not necessary we need hard-working people

machines dependable people machines for our location ten dollars per hour wow that's shitty

full benefit package and liberal bonus so they have a bonus for liberals i just want you to know

i don't think it's fair that they have a bonus program and it's only for people who are liberals

registered democrats that's not fair that should be illegal you

you guys think so?

What's the number?

Oh, there it is.

Thank you, everyone, again, once again, for tuning in on our three shoutcast radio stations

over at madhouselive.com.

We're also on phonelosers.org, on the Live Prank Call Network,

And we're also at BluePlanetPrankRadio.com or .net.

And that's Blue Planet Prank Radio.

Thank you, Ted Webb, for having us.

God, that's loud.

Hello.

Thank you for calling.

I was recruiting.

Asshole.

All right, that's his message.

Here's customer relations for 20 bucks an hour, full and part-time, local distributor for Internet, international manufacturer, rather, now expanding and has openings in our customer relations department.

No experience required.

Sounds like an Amazon thing, motherfucker.

You know what I mean?

Could be anything.

Could be the Swans Company, you know, the Schwans.

What's that?

The guys in the trucks that drive around selling ice cream and frozen meatballs.

Or maybe it's Kirby.

Kirby.

Kirby Vacuum.

Thank you for calling.

This is Christina.

I used to sell Kirby Vacuums.

Okay.

How can I help you?

You got jobs here.

Yeah.

Home professional.

Customer relations for $20 for one part time?

Yeah.

All right.

What?

Well, it says international manufacturer.

Now, who is this?

IBM?

What's going on?

This is Rainbow.

Rainbow?

Yes.

The Rainbow Coalition?

Yes.

They're for the right to marry men in same-sex marriages?

I'm sorry?

For same-sex marriages?

I'm not sure where you're getting that, sir.

I'm sorry.

Same-sex marriages.

Rainbow.

No, like the Rainbow Cleaning System.

Oh, yeah?

So, the Rainbow Cleaning System.

Is that that Kirby crap?

That Kirby shit?

It is not Kirby, no.

It's the same company.

No, it's not the same company as Kirby.

These Kirby people came to my house, and the guy said he was going to offer me a job.

And all he did was come over to show me how the vacuum works, and he wanted me to buy one.

Okay, well, we're not Kirby, sir.

We don't deal with Kirby whatsoever.

He said that the vacuum was so good you could put your sexual organs in it and everything, he said.

He was just saying.

is this for that rainbow thing yes did you know rainbow you remember punky brewster the cartoon

at the end of the rainbow there was that morph that guy that looked like snarf from the transformers

in front of thundercats and he got lost he was from the end of the rainbow no i don't remember

remember that yeah so listen this guy came over to sell me kirby vacuums and i got really into it

man then i started selling kirby vacuums i used to tell people you can put your sexual organs in

it everything is is the rainbow thing is it a steam cleaner or what's it do honey sir can you

please stop calling shut up you don't tell me what to do i don't take orders from women

shut up you heard the other one was in the background i heard her saying kirby kirby

this kirby that is that the kirby guy he said kirby people can thank you for calling this is

christina kirby you know that's a hell of a that's the dyson is the best vacuum ever made okay sir

this is not kirby this is not dyson this is rainbow i need you to stop calling otherwise

i will call the authorities okay you're not kirby you're not dyson yes please stop calling are you

red devil you suck please stop calling us i will let the authorities know okay why uh because this

This is on the lines of harassment.

Thank you very much.

Do not call again.

Can I talk to...

They know who I am.

On the lines of harassment.

That's what we're calling on.

You have the harassment line.

Very good, honey.

Very good.

Okay.

Delivery.

Deliver phone books.

That job will never go out of style.

Work your own hours.

Have an insured vehicle.

Must be at least 18 years.

Okay, let's do it.

Let's deliver some phone books.

Phone books.

Oh, boy.

Hello, you've reached and delivered the phonebook.com.

If you know your party's extension, you may dial it at any time during this message.

For a company directory, please dial pound.

To sign up for...

One moment, please.

Thank you for this.

Jonathan speaking.

Please hold.

Uh, why?

Um, it'll just be one moment.

How long?

Fucking Dyson vacuum, man.

It's got a ball in it.

It's awesome.

Put your sexual organs in that.

Ooh.

Blow your mind.

Thank you for holding it.

I'll help you.

Hey, why was...

Why?

You said it was only going to be like 10 seconds.

and so it was like a long time i was leaving a message what were you doing who's calling you

were leaving a message how may i help you i'm calling about the delivery job for the

the phone books that's the city and state that's a job they'll never go out of style

gotcha what city and state okay have you delivered for us before no it says no experience required

correct i i'm just asking if you have delivered for us before you're a real piece of work

Thank you, sir.

We do have deliveries going on.

Our next orientation is Thursday, August 8th at 10 a.m.

They teach you how to throw the stupid books out of the window and everything?

Yeah, they go over everything at orientation.

Yeah, do you do that?

Do you like doing that with the phone books?

Do we what?

Do you like doing that with the phone books?

Come on.

Do I like doing that with the phone books?

No, sir.

You don't like throwing them?

What do you do?

You sit there in your nice little...

What we do from here is we schedule for an orientation.

Are you interested in delivering?

Yeah, are you at a desk or a cubicle or an office?

Like I said, our next orientation we have is Thursday, August 8th at 10 a.m.

Would you be interested in attending an orientation at that time?

I bet you don't even have a cubicle.

I bet you just got like a desk next to everyone else.

You suck.

You don't even have an office or a cubicle.

You just sit there.

Is there someone sitting right behind you on the phone too?

You got no, you don't even have a good job, man.

You just got to sit there on the desk.

let's continue here wrapping things up here because it's 1 30 i got to get to sleep because

i got to work tonight foster care loving families needed now i'm gonna mess with that

education it says really big upper school district elementary teacher no it's stupid i

i won't do that either no thanks thanks but no thanks guys okay direct marketing agent now hiring

1265 over to start all ages 18 and up let's see what else we got here no manual labor that's good

and fun fun what is it fun something i wrote i circled it and i wrote over fun something

atmosphere fun team atmosphere okay there we go fun team atmosphere here we go call the schedule

in an interview. Okay, faggot.

I'll do that. Okay, faggot.

Faggot! Thank you for calling.

If you know your party's extension, please dial

it now or dial 0 for operator.

Thank you. Please wait a moment.

You're gonna love working with us.

Someone's selling a Star Wars Pachinko game.

Hearing inspection.

Hello, we are not available now.

Thank you for calling. Alright, thanks for

nothing, woman. I'll crumple that up

and throw it out to the side because I'm done

with that. There's a number

here regarding a job fair. We can

and call for more details.

Ah, job fair.

That doesn't do it for me.

Let me think about it.

Hairstylist.

Full-time or part-time,

you must know the tricks of the trade

and have experience.

And we got two different phone numbers

that we are allowed to dial here

to inquire about this hairstylist job.

Here we go.

Uh-uh-uh-uh.

Eh-eh-eh.

Uh-uh-uh-uh.

Or...

No answer there.

I'm going to go through some requests to make sure they have been sent.

First off the list is going to be the Jehovah's Witnesses,

which was sent in by Mr. Marine.

Jehovah's, the Kingdom Hall.

We have their website, the Bridalwood Kingdom Hall.

It says, okay, and there is also a number for an all-occasion floral.

But let's do the Kingdom Hall.

Oh, what do you say?

Again, wrapping up here very shortly, very shortly, if you have requested pranks,

I would suggest you hold on to those, keep those close to the chest, hold on to them,

do not send them in.

Save them for Thursday night's show at 10 p.m. Eastern, 7 Pacific.

You can send them, but I won't get to it yet.

I'll save it until then.

I got this and one or two more that got requested already, and that's it.

Greetings, you've reached the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses.

No answer there.

Went to their voicemail system.

We'll try again.

again zero okay sorry no jehovah's uh we'll try the central mormon number which was sent in by

mr mime uh in accordance with satan in our chat room we're both asking us to call the central

mormon national number for prayer and assistance and information on mormonism and xanadu and all

All that stuff, the level five Thetan and all that.

Sorry, no agents are available to take your call.

Yay, stupid people.

Hey, Mr. Mom, I tried your phone number.

It didn't work.

Satan sent in the same one.

They are not answering.

Sorry, guys.

We'll try the floral one then from Mr. Marine, and that'll wrap up his last request.

I'm guessing that is a he because it does say Mr., but you never know these days, you

You know, with your Madonnas parading around in man pants and stuff.

Jesus.

Lady Gaga's breaking out of eggs.

I'm 12.

Hey, you got them flowers, honey.

I like to make a request for a bouquet.

I just want a dozen flowers ordered.

Yeah.

Okay.

A dozen roses?

Yes, a dozen roses.

Take it easy.

A dozen roses.

And then I have a...

Do you guys do the card and we'll take a message to write on the card?

Yes, we do.

Can I give you that message now?

Okay, sure.

Do you want to start with who they're going to go to?

They're going to go to my daughter.

She's 19 years old today, and she's at work.

And I'll give you that message, please.

I really want to give you the message.

Okay, give me the message now.

All right, Robin, sweetie, pull down your PJs.

Daddy's coming in with the Vaseline.

Did you get that part?

heart uh robin sweetie hold on to your no robin sweetie pull down your pjs got it daddy's coming

in with the vaseline seriously yes okay last night we was in the shower your butt cheeks was

your butt cheeks no series it's my daughter okay give me give me her name first robin

ophelia and then the message is robin sweetie pull down your pjs daddy's coming in with the

vaseline last night when we was in the shower your butt cheeks was warm okay uh-huh i put a chunk of

vaseline on the tip of my dick okay you know what i can't i can't do a message like that please

please it's for her birthday please you've got to be kidding me what i i don't think that i want

to handle the order please please just help me please this is for her birthday she she's upset

at me about last night no no okay all right well i'll find some do you know someone else who might

do it no i don't can you recommend anybody no um all right asshole no it's not it's not that it's

just what you get horny or something it's just a joke what's your name yeah no okay thanks for

calling yeah no sweetie hold on your pjs okay she's gone that's a tribute to ham hands bill

from the howard stern show and here's that prank call that i just based that off of we had uh bill

we had ham hands bill on the uh air with us yesterday a lot of positive email everybody

likes him wants me to give him an hour show to see how that works out and uh the boys got him

back uh in the studios yesterday to make a phony phone call here's uh some more ham hands bill if

if you can't get enough of him.

Good morning, first.

Yeah, good morning.

I need a message on flowers.

You deliver flowers?

Yes, we do.

Two dozen flowers.

You want two dozen roses?

Well, first, I need to tell you a message on the flowers, please.

Okay, and the message?

Robin, sweetie.

Take off your PJs.

Take off your PJs?

Yes.

Daddy is coming in.

Take off your, wait, hold up.

Sorry.

PJs.

Daddy's coming in

With the Vaseline

With what?

With the Vaseline

Is this a joke?

No, no, no, no

Please

This is my daughter

Coming in with

With the Vaseline

Now, one more line

Okay

When we was in the shower

Your butt cheeks was warm

Hang on, I'm still writing

Okay

Okay, please read it back to me

Okay, this is Robin, sweetie

Take off your PJs

Daddy's coming in with the Vaseline

When we was in the shower

Your butt cheeks, butt cheeks, butt cheeks.

Oh, your butt cheeks.

Yes.

Was warm, okay.

Yes, one more line.

Okay.

I put a little bit of Vaseline on the tip of my dick.

Okay, I'm sorry, I'm not going to put messages like this down.

Please, I paid double, please.

No, no, no, no, no, I can't do this.

This is obscene.

It's my daughter, please.

This is, you're talking about your daughter?

Yeah, but she's over 18, just turning.

I don't want to hear this.

This is, no, I'm sorry.

I cannot do this, sir.

We play games.

She just donated.

No, no, thank you.

We play games.

That almost went word for word.

Exactly, as the prank called it.

That was pretty good.

I had fun with that.

That's one of my favorite pranks.

Ham Ham Bills is, Ham Ham Bills is freaking hilarious.

And that goes out to him.

Robin, sweetie.

There you go, Mr. Marina.

Hope you enjoyed your floral request.

Got to it for you.

Glad to have a happy customer.

Corrupt Corruption, good friend of the show going back many years,

who's in the chat room also, sent in a pizza place in Massachusetts.

Also sent the link for the menu.

Thank you.

That helps out.

He recommends a Jack Masterson call.

I don't have a Sharpie.

Let me check.

I've got the highlighter.

I'll give it a shot.

I'm not in the mood to do Masterson, but I'll make you happy.

I'll do something that you're requesting because I'm like that.

I am a good person.

I am a friend.

Hey, I'm seeing you.

You got pizza here.

I wanted to make a pickup order, you know, where you come in and I say what I want and pick it up.

Yes, do you want to place an order for pickup?

Pickup, I said.

Okay.

I want one large pepperoni pizza.

All right, hold on one second.

I haven't answered the order.

What do you mean?

A name for the pickup.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Okay, a large pepperoni.

What else would you like?

Hold the cheese.

I'm sorry.

You got to speak up a little bit.

The phone's kind of quiet.

No cheese, no cheese.

On the pizza?

Yeah.

Okay.

of the sauce no sauce no sauce no cheese on pizza yeah no crust come on come on i'm trying i'm

trying i don't like pizza places get pranked so pizza places get pranked they get pranked so much

that uh i don't like doing them much place uh pizza places strip clubs and uh adult novelty

stores i don't like pranking because they get the brunt of prank calls out there from

um yeah can you come on really just help me out with that i've got a gluten allergy okay

i'm sorry the phone died i think i can't you have to speak up it's real quiet i have a gluten

allergy all right i wanted a large pepperoni pizza i said pizza has um flour in it though

yeah well i said hold the crust well you know we can't hold the crust it's all the same dough

well this just you make the pizza but with no crust it's just like not doing the cheese

or the sauce. You just don't do the crust.

Okay, but the crust is the

same as the dough. If I cut off the

crust, if I don't make the crust, then we just use

the same dough. It's going to have flour in the

dough. Well, don't, don't, don't, just

do the pepperoni, then. Just do the

what? How many, yeah, just do a handful

of pepperoni in there and give it to me

in a cup or something, I guess. I don't know.

And some garlic butter on

top. Um. It's gluten-free.

I can't have the cheese that's got

gluten in it. You got all the

monosodium gluten made in it.

All right, well, you know, the dough has gluten, the cheese has gluten,

so all you want is a handful of pepperonis?

Yeah, just a few pepperonis, you know, roast them there, you know?

Do you have any potatoes, any fries?

I'm sorry, say that again?

Do you have any potato fries?

Yeah.

Yeah, there you go.

That's going to have gluten in it, too.

No, potatoes don't have gluten in them.

You're stupid.

Who is it?

This is Eddie.

Eddie?

Yeah, there's no gluten in potatoes.

potatoes yeah but we have batter on our fries oh damn man damn yo i'm gonna have to kick someone's

ass you know i don't know what to do with that i just i gotta kick someone's ass this is the

only thing i could pull out of my ass or corrupt sorry man i'm losing gas here getting tired been

up since last night working getting home doing prank calls fun and all not complaining love

Love being here with you guys.

Love entertaining you kids.

But hey, I got shit to do too.

The Ted sent in a number for a Ron Cook, 45 years old, needs to have his membership to

the country club terminated due to member complaints about his behavior and his daughter,

aka 23-year-old girlfriend.

Okay, looks like someone's sending in an inside prank call.

That's always fun to do.

So let's go ahead and do that, guys.

is we're going to call Big Ron Cook and terminate his membership

because he's coming in with who he says is his daughter

and it's his 20-something-year-old girlfriend.

What a pervert.

He could be the father, you know?

He could be the father.

We're going to complain that it's too young and too old to be together

and that they're kissing and talking and people are talking.

The call has been forwarded to an automatic voicemail.

And then we'll try it again.

The call has been forwarded.

Damn it, that was going to be great.

Sorry, he didn't pick up.

I was totally going to go for that.

That would have been excellent.

Oh, well, sorry, The Ted.

Maybe he'll answer next week.

I'll hang on to that.

I'll put a star next to that one and hang on to that, okay?

You all do the same thing.

If you're here next week, if I'm doing a show next afternoon,

next Tuesday morning, afternoon, send it to me again and remind me,

and I'll do it, okay, buddy?

All right, man.

Yeah, you got it.

Yeah.

What time is it?

152.

All right, maybe one or two more.

maybe one or two more not requests i got numbers let me get to these here knock them out um i will

take care of it we have a pharmacy photography live touch we already messed with them a few

weeks ago uh we do have bath fitter and kitchen saver looking for experienced mall and event

marketing reps training available for those who qualify i think that's when you go to the mall

and there's like a there's like a shower and a tub set up there in a glass case and there's a guy

guy sitting and he keeps going up to say hey you want to redo your bathroom i think that's what

this is i don't know that's all over the country i know when i lived in orlando two years ago uh

every mall had that and when i moved up here to pennsylvania every mall up here has it so i'm

making a presumption that's a well-known thing across the united states of america that's just

me maybe not our uk and australian listeners but hey here we go bruno i'm not gonna call bruno

know the french hotel because everyone else thank you for calling this is robin yeah are you the

people that got the in the mall the kiosk that's like a toilet sitting in the shower in the toilet

in the um in the mall on the middle of the floor and the tiles and everything yes we have a kiosk

in the mall it's like a toilet and then they the guy he says hey sit on the toilet and feel how

good the toilet is and everything like that no there's no toilet well you can i bring in a

a toilet i'll tell people you sit in the toilet she's not having she's not she's in a milkman mood

not playing games try it again she won't answer again yes sir this is a business number okay and

i was calling because you put an ad a business ad requesting people to call in so what's the

problem don't get uppity with me you don't get you were talking to me about toilets and wanting

to bring a toilet into the mall okay well you're not professional it's a kiosk that we have and

it's just a bathtub oh so there's no toilet yeah um people get naked in the bathtub and stuff and

i'm not saying anything about that it's got a lot of sexual tension here you know i think it'd be

more appropriate to have a toilet there it's natural and clean well i mean our showroom does

have full bathroom displays for people to see however we don't display them in the mall and

And do you have a toilet there?

I'm just really into this toilet thing, guys.

Oh, shit.

Really into the toilet question.

I got to get it out.

Jesus.

Okay.

Let's call her again, guys.

Let's call her again.

Hi, you can please leave me your name, number, and a detailed message, and I will return your call.

Thank you.

At the tone, please record your message.

When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press one for more options.

Yes.

Yes, hello, this is Eddie, and this is Eddie, I'm here in the toilet right now, and I'm

just going to show you that I know how to sell a toilet, and the first thing you do

is you come in the bathroom, and you pull your pants and underwear down, and then you

look in the toilet and stuff, and you look in the snakes inside there, and the person

before you flushed it, and there's no pee pee or caca, you sit down, you shit in the

Toilet

Your ass

Your asshole

You see

And I set it on the toilet

Took a big shit in the toilet

But this is the best toilet you can get

And I flush it again

And then I

Make sure you get a nice double flush

If you are satisfied with your message

Press 1

To listen to your message

Press 2

To write

Message with you

Yes

This is

What do you even have

Because you can go to the toilet

For example

Shit

Yeah

I'm just gonna show you

an incorrect key if you are satisfied with your message press one to listen to your message press

two to erase and re-record press three to continue recording where you left us press four at the tone

please continue recording at the end of your message press one

if you are satisfied with your message to send your message with normal delivery press one to

send your message with urgent delivery press two thank you your message has been sent there we go

unfortunately she's not gonna understand any of the toilet talk it was too loud on my end uh note

to self next time we try to do a toilet voicemail or a toilet call that we bring the volume down on

the mixer so it doesn't sound so loud and it can be understood by the person we are prank calling

now we know and luckily it was because it was a voicemail that we could play it back and we know

that's how you learn guys right that's how you learn um so but at least she's it's gonna sound

to her like you know it is someone in the toilet which is ridiculous probably she's probably

checking that right now damn all right it's 2 p.m i am done it's been great being here this

afternoon morning wherever you are i want to thank you all for supporting madhouse on the rest of

the shows on this network as well as our affiliate stations that carry us be sure to visit madhouse

live.com and join me for our next show thursday night 10 p.m eastern 7 p.m pacific i will now

leave you to your regularly scheduled prank call station rotations already in progress

Calls (24, 1 h 2 min of 1 h 29 min)

Transcript

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