Calling From the Toilet Machine
13 Aug 2013 · 29 min · 3,463 words · source
Calls (7, 18 min of 29 min)
- 14C specialist job inquiry from toilet live 1.1 min clip ↓
- Auto service technician job inquiry from toilet live 55 s clip ↓
- Apartment viewing inquiry from toilet live 54 s clip ↓
- Apartment viewing inquiry from toilet live 1.0 min clip ↓
- Valente Restaurants Wendy's monopoly call live 1.8 min clip ↓
- Call back to Valente Restaurants after bathroom break live 10.0 min clip ↓
- Retail and event promotion job inquiry live 2.7 min clip ↓
Transcript
This is the supreme sound of shitting.
Doing good.
This is Carlito, and I will be doing show now.
Thank you.
Thank you for being there.
I will try to use this voice as long as I can.
Let's see how long I can use the silly voice for.
Very quick show.
Not many things to do.
I am tired.
Do not want to call for too long.
I'm trying something new here now, so let's see if it works.
Leave me the fuck alone in the meantime.
Transfer call.
Can anything help you?
This is the very distinctive sound of pissing.
Hello?
Yes, hello.
I'm sorry.
I'm calling from the bathroom.
I'm on my break.
I saw here that you have some jobs in the paper.
A 14C specialist, is it?
In the paper?
A 14C specialist.
Is this correct?
Is this still available?
No.
Do you have any position?
It says that...
Yeah, that's pretty much all I got for the show for the day,
is that I just decided to come on because I thought it would be funny to play that.
I hope you guys appreciate it.
I'm from the toilet machine.
You have reached the wrong way to transfer your call.
Good afternoon.
Yes, hello.
I am Miguelio, and I was looking in the newspaper about the job.
Okay, job for what?
It says 14C specialist new and an arrow upside down.
I do not know what that is, how you say that.
You must be calling the wrong place.
We don't have a position like that available.
It says in the new 14C to ensure that Goodwill Keystone area
compliant federal fair labor services act.
Huh?
No.
Is this because I'm calling from the toilet?
You're calling from where?
Is this because I'm calling from the toilet at work that you're telling me that I cannot?
No, we don't have a position like that.
Oh, okay.
Well, I'm sorry.
Sorry for bothering you.
I'm going to stop with a funny voice, but just keep playing pissing.
This is the pissing show.
Let me step out of the toilet here real quick.
Okay.
We got auto service technician, everybody.
Auto service technician.
technician. Hang on. Before I do that, I'm going to come in here in this motherfucker
and I'm going to turn off Skype sounds. Just a minute. Mute all sounds. Done. That easy. Pow.
Okay. Auto service technician. I don't think they're going to care that I'm calling pissing
or I'm calling from the toilet, but see, I'm at work and I'm trying to get a new job.
This is a bad fucking job I got, you know. Make what's up to everyone in the chat. We're
joining us in good afternoon yes hey bill how you doing i'm sorry to be bothering you at this time
i'm in the lunch break right now and i have to call from the bathroom i don't want anyone to
hear that i'm calling behind the desk i see that you have auto service technician available in the
newspaper yeah yeah if my boss were to find out i get in trouble so i have to call the bathroom i
I don't know if you can see that I'm...
No, I'm...
Oh, okay.
All right.
Oh, man.
All right.
But if you want to swing by, you can fill out an application, and then we'll talk to you
from there.
Oh, hang on.
Just a minute.
What was that?
If you want to swing by and fill out an application...
That's good.
...we can talk to you at that point, then.
You know, they say you don't drink beer, you rent it.
You know what I mean?
I do understand that.
Yeah.
So, what's the address?
Hang on, let me...
It's 90...
Hang on, let me flush real quick first.
Hang on.
Okay, what is it now?
Oh, wow.
Okay, that's good.
That's good.
Do you guys have beef with the guys from Firestone?
Do you have any beef with the guys from Firestone?
No.
Okay, that's good.
That's good, because that's where I work now.
Which one?
I'd rather not say until I go down there.
You could be a pervert or something, you know?
Okay.
All right, well, I'll come down there.
All right?
You get that ready, all right?
You get all those papers ready, Sally.
All right.
And stepping away from the toilet again.
caregivers, I think I called them
already last week, I'm gonna call them again, fuck them
I didn't go through this beforehand, I don't know what's
a number or not, most of these are just email addresses these days
here's one, quality control construction
material technician, god damn it, they got enough shit
in that title, motherfucker, let's give them a call
hey, all you handsome, sexy people
listening and watching to a show live in the afternoon
Thank you for joining, Carlito.
I appreciate it.
If not, you're listening to this on a podcast.
Yeah, we love a podcast, people.
I'm in the toilet.
In the toilet.
Stop.
Call from the toilet.
Thank you for calling.
No answer there.
So I'm going to call a random number in Los Angeles.
How about that?
Let's try it.
Probably won't work, but hey, we'll call them from the toilet.
In the toilet.
Yeah, yeah.
In the fucking toilet.
Come out of the toilet.
This is Julie.
Hey, how are you there?
I'm calling from the toilet.
I'm sorry.
I only get enough.
I don't get much time for my bathroom break, so I have to call you from the bathroom, you know?
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Yes, hi.
I was calling to see if you'd be interested in seeing a few apartments that we have here.
We're giving away a free TV for everyone who comes down to look at the apartment.
Why would she do that?
Just hang up like that.
What a rude woman.
No answer there.
Try a different one.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Jesus H. Christ, guys.
No one wants to answer.
Construction remodeling contractor.
contractor yeah fucking answer this time yo that selection is incorrect please try again
oh fuck no answer all right moving right along see what else i got here construction driller
helpers yeah i like to i like to drill man yeah and this is a woman we're supposed to call christy
what does she know about drilling other than getting drilled right guys guys out there know
know what i'm talking about hey get split up in the bathroom yeah oh i forgot to stream youtube
son of a hello this is christy regal oh come on there now youtube is working whoops big mistake
hello this is christy if you leave me your name and number i will follow up if you leave me your
name and number no thanks lady opening the next page of the newspaper you can do it it says you
you can do it. What? Do what? Listen to independent contractors talk about extra income
as an independent delivery agent for a newspaper. Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And it's got a woman in
a business suit. Hey, let's do it, guys. This is what they call a house ad. You know what I mean?
a house ad guys i want to let you know that the final episode of all time of madhouse radio
is going to be coming on november 12th of this year november 12 2013 will be the final madhouse
radio live we're going to have a great schedule that night we got a lot of people joining us and
we're going to have a big send-off in the weeks leading up to that you have reached the carrier
your line please leave your phone name so we're all they're definitely all like super excited
about that more info to come all right wendy's has off is offering a two thousand dollar sign-on
bonus uh but they don't have a phone number so never mind funny enough the name is valente
restaurants oh wait a minute there's a valente restaurants huh oh i just i gotta find that
Fucking number spring to the operator. Please hold while I transfer your call. Hello Richmond. How can I help you?
Oh, well, hello there little lady. How are you? Who would I do you pee with this be I have the floor
Do you people control all the Wendy's in this town or is this some kind?
You know, do you control the vast majority of these Wendy's that are in town?
I'm asking which town sir which town are you referring to here here in town where we are
where are you where are you calling central now in the central okay we do you do you have the
monopoly I'm trying to answer you I'm trying to answer your question I'm trying to answer
your questions we do own several Wendy's in the central area which Wendy's are you calling about
out and how may I help you? I'm so worked up. I got to step away from my desk because I'm going
to get trouble here at work because I'm going to have to yell at you. So I'm going to go to
the bathroom real quick. Okay. Hang on. Don't hang up. Hello? Yeah, I'm not hanging up. I'm
right here. Hello? Are you there? Yes, I'm here. Since you're going to yell at me,
so can you hold for a moment, please? You're just going to make me angrier, but okay.
Okay. Do your best I can. I'll try to help you however I can.
Hang on a second.
While I'm here, hang on.
So listen, I went to the location down on, what's that road?
Sir, you're going to have to call me back when you're not in the restroom.
I'll take your call when you're finished.
I'm a person, and you're treating me rudely, and I'll take your call when you call back.
I'm done, I'm done, I'm done, I'm done.
Oh, shit.
shit i'm a person i'm a person and you don't have what did she say i don't have to what screw that
lady screw that lady up her ass good god oh man i'm a person i don't give a fuck
oh boy i got news for her that got more sound effects where that came from coming up next is
this this is the supreme sound of shitting all right let's call her back and tell her
Oh, shit.
Yeah, shit.
I don't know exactly what this will be.
We're calling Valenti.
Know your party's extension.
Enter it.
Personnel.
Employment.
Transferring to the operator.
Please hold while I transfer your call.
Everybody.
Either on the phone.
I'm rocking.
Oh, no.
Please hold while I transfer your call.
Every day.
Good afternoon, Valenti.
How can I take your call?
Yes, hello, Valenti.
I'm calling you back, yes.
Is this the young lady I was talking to earlier?
Yes, sir.
How may I help you?
Okay, well, I'm no longer in the bathroom, and I think it's appropriate now for me to start yelling.
I'm so sorry. Hold on just a moment, please.
Oh, God damn it.
I'm putting you on speakerphone. I'm sorry.
God damn it. Okay.
Listen, I heard that damn song, too. That kiss song.
You know those men who used to dress up and wear women's clothes and stick their tongues out and paint their faces?
And that's what you play on hold?
What can I help you with, sir?
These people take so long.
I've been late to work twice in a row now.
And yesterday, I stopped there last night, and I said, hi, young man.
And he said, what do you want?
Like that.
He said, what do you want?
And he said to Edward, he said, what do you want, nigga?
Like that.
What location were you at, sir?
Oh, which is the one?
What's that road?
You know the road that goes parallel from 22?
You know that one?
It doesn't go parallel
It goes through
You cross over 22
You know what I'm talking about
I'm hearing groaning
And I can hear you
That's the guy next to me
That's not me
That is not me
You're going to have to call me back
There's no disruption sir
I'm sorry
I'm not going to listen to that vulgarity
That's not vulgarity
It's natural
Oh shit
Shit. Wow.
I haven't even cursed yet, and she's saying I'm calling her with vulgarity.
All right, guys. All right. Well, what else can we do now?
Let's try burping.
This is the incredible sound of burping.
Oh, shit.
You think I can hear groaning?
transferring to the operator please hold while i transfer your call and how may i help you yes hi
am i on speakerphone i don't give you permission to do that um okay how can i help you sir uh you
can take me off the speakerphone and speak to me properly please that's more like it so what was
your name so i can write this down here my papers my name's dan and what's yours my name is cross
I'm sorry, could you spell it?
Cross, C-R-O-S-S.
Cross, C-R-O-S-S?
That's right.
Is that your first name or last name?
No, Cross, just Cross.
That's all you need is Cross.
Okay, how may I help you, Mr. Cross?
These people take so long in the Wendy's that I go to,
and the guy said to Ed, he said,
what do you want, nigga, like that?
He said to me, when I asked him to please, I said, what?
Why is it I've been waiting here 20 minutes for food in the dry room on the only car?
And he shoved the food in my face
He shoved it in my face
And every day
I'm sorry that that happened to you sir
What restaurant were you at?
It was Wendy's
Sir excuse me
Do you mind not
That was funny
I just really had a deep laugh
Like I haven't had in a few weeks now
That was good
Leave them alone
That's enough
enough that's enough on them guys yeah exactly kokanee that's why people use speakerphone good
point in the chat room kokanee's making a very good point and that the only reason people are
speak are using speakerphone is so you can keep your feet on the desk propped up back in their
chair listening all lazy and shit don't be lazy you're watching this on youtube yeah the video
started late but you didn't miss really anything i don't think right i don't think there were any
good pranks up until i started calling this um restaurant firm playing fucking gross uh clips
from dr lego's gross tape from 1993 1994 actually uh i i bought the gross tape in 1994 at a spencer's
gifts in the mall i was 15 years old at the time and then uh i met the actual i met the actual
creator of the gross tape dr lego about 12 years later pretty cool and we have more there's
throwing up the puking one i think is called throwing up i haven't even done that fuck it
hey guys let's call that place back and do the throwing up how about that right i'm a man i do
what i want sound of you know your part you may enter referring to the operator please hold while
i transfer your call yes am i on speakerphone you are uh please take me off a speakerphone
I don't give you permission to do that.
I'm sorry, sir, but I'm taking your call,
and I'm going to keep you on speakerphone
so I can take down your information on this keyboard.
That's not very courteous, and there's other people there listening and judging.
Oh, you're right.
I do have my director here, and he's going to listen as I take your call.
What is the director's name?
Director, state your name, please, and your title.
I've already given Mr. Cole.
You have an issue.
There's slow service and rude service at one of the locations, is what I said.
Wait, I want to know which location, sir.
Hang on, give me a second.
Hanging up to be reported to somebody.
Because this is what your industry sells you.
I'm not. That's what happened to me.
I'm not here anymore today.
They were rude and disrespectful to me.
Holy shit, it's a big fucking deal over there at that place.
They're just up in arms.
I think it's literally, I think it's just that guy and that girl there.
They admit that they are gagging.
Sir, sir, sir.
That's how you say it.
Sir, sir, sir.
When you're upset and you're in the customer service industry.
Sir, sir, sir.
I hate it when that, women use it all the time.
When you call a call center and they don't want to let you talk.
A certain ethnicity who will remain nameless.
when you call this certain ethnicity of customer service call center worker
and they don't like what you have to say.
They go, sir, sir, sir.
Oh, gross.
Okay.
Sales associate.
So far, this has been worth it just for that one place that we've called four times.
Making a big deal about the speakerphone.
That is a privacy issue.
Oh, I guess that was a fax machine.
Sir, sir, sir.
Ow, that really hurt.
Yeah, my bad.
It said fax.
Whoops.
Okay, retail and event promotions.
Your personality and people skills equals $20 an hour.
Full training provided.
Work at a variety of retail and event locations.
Vehicle and valid driver's license required.
My guess is one of those jobs where you hold the arrow sign and you dance and you point it.
You know, maybe you're in a chicken costume in front of Pollo Tropical, you know, in front of Pollo Loco, and you dance with a big sign that says, you know, we do dinner, yeah.
I don't know.
That's my guess.
Retail and event promotion.
Promotion, this is correct.
Listen, first of all, I've got excellent retail skills.
skills. Now, I work here at the mall and I know there might be an echo. I'm calling about the job.
I know there might be an echo, but I actually have to go into the bathroom so my manager doesn't know
that I'm calling about a job or getting in big trouble. Okay. Does it sound okay? Yeah, I can
hear you fine. It's really loud outside here because there's a lot of customers and stuff,
Okay.
All right, so is this where I will be sitting around,
standing and dancing on the street, you know,
like a little sailor outfit or a chicken costume
or like one of those arrows?
Isn't that kind of thing?
No, but I can take your name and number,
and then I can have the manager give you a call.
Okay, I'm sorry.
While I'm in here, just give me a second.
Just a minute.
No, that's just dumb.
All right, so...
yeah no one likes this for the most part promotions this is corinne yes hi um so did
you can you take my information down yeah your name and your number oh this is eddie cross
your phone number let's see it's a new number and it's
and i had a thank you i have a few questions okay well you can you can call me back after
You're in the bathroom.
Thanks.
I have to get done in the bathroom.
All right.
I'm just about done.
There aren't many numbers in this paper today, guys.
Well, Sunday's paper.
Nursing.
I don't want to mess with nursing.
No, thanks.
Sorry, guys.
No nursing.
That's another nursing.
All the nursing ones have phone numbers, but I'm just not feeling it.
Nurse practitioner.
Guys, that's it.
it that's i told you it was going to be short sorry i think once edited this is going to be
down to less than 30 minutes probably maybe not as much yeah i'm done well hey i'm gonna
release the streams now thanks everyone for listening hope you enjoyed some live prank calls
for august 13th i carlito will be on thursday night 10 p.m eastern 7 p.m pacific i don't know
what it is gmt it's like five or something four in the morning if you're in britain who cares
Anyway, bye.
This is the supreme sound of shitting.
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