Cowan

I'm not playing no fucking games, dude.

I fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making a stupid comment.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

You're not perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

What is it?

I have pheromones.

Who the heck is it?

I got pheromones.

You ever heard of pheromones?

My body produces a lot of pheromones.

Hey, guys.

I am Carlito.

Good evening.

Well, good evening.

Fuck.

I always do that when I do these daytime shows.

I'm so used to saying evening.

You know, I've explained it a thousand times.

Good afternoon or morning, depending on where you are.

I am Carlito.

Well, it's only 1138 where I am, and I'm on the East Coast, so good morning, then.

This is this daytime prank call thing that I do as often as I can.

Lately, it's been working out for me schedule-wise, so we'll stick to it.

going good so far. Got a copy of Sunday paper here from this last weekend, and we have a few,

not many, but we have a few numbers that we can call regarding some jobs that are available.

Someone sent me via Dropbox a list of numbers as well from their local newspaper. I forgot who it

was. I'm going to go open that document up here in a moment. Got one here that I know I've already

talked to before in the past. I don't think I'm going to do that. Here's a carpenter. You know,

of these carpenter ones and stuff i always think it'd be fun but they never seem to pick up man

carpenters and stuff like that i don't think i've ever had any of those pick up at all

maybe today will be different got two carpenter numbers here we can do um i believe we have some

submissions from over the weekend and early week that i can get to as well some requests to franks

you can send your requests request over to me if you go to madhouse live.com there is a request

quest to prank feature there. You can see it at the top of the page. If you click that, you can

fill out a quick form. It's anonymous. We don't share your information or use it against you.

We just take into consideration if you send a number and we likely will at least give it a try

to prank call it, especially on the Thursday show. I like doing that. It's fun. Can't do them

all though. Sometimes I don't have a lot to go with with what you send or just an idea that I

can do there's a whole list of rules there for the kind of prank calls we do on this show and

for the most part it should be a model that everyone as far as i can tell follows that

does a show on here with us at least we try to as best as possible stay under the radar not break

any laws unnecessarily or do some real damage to someone or a company because a lawyer is just a

few thousand dollars away some people or some places we might call might have the money to do

that so gotta keep your head on a swivel prank callers that's just my recommendation that's all

i can say you know it ain't all sunshine and rainbows okay here's the number which i may have

called in the past it looks kind of familiar says customer relations i think i've seen this ad in

previous weeks but we'll try it whether or not i've had been able to get them to pick up i can't

remember new new sending in the number for the prime minister uh prime minister's residence on

Downing Street in the United Kingdom

in Britain. Okay. You want me to call

the Prime Minister's house

at David Cameron's house. Okay.

Is it just like the United States?

Is that also his office?

Like the White House is basically the...

Hey, how you doing? I'm calling from the head machine.

Alright, what's that? I'm calling from the head machine.

I was seeing here that you have

customer relations positions available.

Can you hold me one second? Delicious.

Ahem. Big Dialer

from DialersPad.net

will be joining us shortly. The Dialers

Pad Telephony Comedy Hour.

You can catch it at dollarspad.net.

He'll be here in just a moment.

Top of the hour, about 20 minutes or so.

He'll do some pranks with us.

Talk to us about his new secret project,

new special project that he's unveiling today.

And we will hold here regarding this customer service job, please.

Thank you.

Thank you for holding.

This is Christina.

And what was your first name?

Oh, hey, this is Harris.

Harris?

Yeah.

All right.

All right. And are you at least 18 years of age or older?

Yep.

All right. And are you a high school graduate?

Yes.

All right. And do you have your own reliable vehicle and driver's license?

I have keys and I get in the car. Like if I say I wanted to go somewhere, I open the door.

The first thing you do is you unlock the door.

Okay. Do you have your own reliable vehicle and driver's license?

Well, yeah, that's what I'm getting to now. See, you open the door, the door opens,

in, it usually swings out. You make sure you don't hit the car next to you. If there's other cars

around, you sit down, you put your right foot in first and you sit down and you slide in, you know,

and you put your seatbelt on. Even if you're going to be going down the street, it doesn't matter.

You always have to put your seatbelt on, right? Okay. Sir, can you answer my question? Do you

have your own reliable vehicle and driver's license? Yeah. You start at the vehicle,

you turn the key, you know? Okay, sir, sir, I'm going to stop you. Just to tell you a little

little bit about us um we are called yep we're distributors for a company that manufactures an

indoor air treatment system oh nice is it like a filter machine yep it's designed to improve the

indoor atmosphere to make it a little healthier oh how much is it and we are growing and expanding

here locally that's the ad in the paper are you selling this to me i didn't i don't understand

no sir if you want to proceed with this how much do i let me finish how much do i have to pay for

one so you can you do not have to pay anything but i'll buy one if it helps me out will help

help out at all if i buy one not not really no they don't you can but it's not going to help you

in any way oh so they don't know if you want you can attend a briefing to learn more about the

company and the position if that's something you're interested in so it won't help it won't

help me out you mean they don't work are you interested in coming in for a briefing sir yeah

but i wanted to make sure you're saying they don't work at all you said i'm sorry the air

machine doesn't work at all you said it wouldn't work i did not say that sir are you interested in

coming in setting up a time for a briefing will help if i will help me if i buy one no i already

already told you it will not help you if you buy one so why would someone why would i want to sell

this if it doesn't help you when you buy it i'm not sure are you interested for a briefing sir

do you want to set up a time for a briefing well can you send me some more literature on this no

i cannot if you want to learn more about physician you can come in fill out an application and attend

a briefing do you sell them also are you just the woman would you like to come in and attend

a briefing i'm assuming no i'll have well can i let's i have a few more candidates or that

That I'm seeking out, you know?

That's fine.

You go ahead and seek those candidates.

Thank you so much for your time.

But I don't think you'd be a good fit.

You know, she doesn't have to be like that.

She was kind of nasty, right?

God.

I think because she's talked to me before.

This is probably why.

She's like, oh, this asshole.

Thank you for calling, Christina.

Yes, hi.

I've never called you before, Christina.

Yes, you did just call me.

Well, yeah.

Can you please stop calling, sir?

Before that, I've never called before.

Why are you so mean and nasty?

Hello?

Please stop calling, sir.

why that's not fair guys that's not fair i don't appreciate that kind of attitude at all but what

can you do about it you know this is the world we live in it's a post uh 9-11 world i don't know

what that means but yeah so what's up with that huh why is she like that seriously anyway well

she said don't call there anymore guys so we can't call there anymore at least you have come

all right well here's carpenter let's see again if this picks up i have very low faith that we'll

ever be able to get any any position for carpentry to answer because we have completely struck out

in every single one since we've done these last few shows in the last six weeks maybe i started

this new round of daytime shows we'll keep them up as long as i can you know we'll see how long i

i can keep it up for exactly maybe uh it's gonna be a more permanent thing than i'm expecting it

to be thank you for calling nation sorry we missed your call leave your name phone number

and a brief message and we will return your call as soon as possible i don't know why i even bother

uh cleaners needed here we go cleaners for free i'm sorry for a fire restoration company

You need a driver's license, they have good benefits, 401k, and they are a growing company.

One would say that no one cares when you hear those words anymore, because everyone at some

point is a growing company.

Of course, they're growing.

If they're hiring somebody, they're growing.

Duh.

Well, they could be filling a position for a shithead that they had to get rid of.

All right, we'll give that a call here.

Cleaners, everybody.

Cleaners.

Needed.

And ain't no one got time for that.

Good afternoon.

This is Jen.

How may I help you?

yeah hey jen how are you good oh that's good that's good um i see here you've got like a

position uh cleaners cleaners needed for a fire restoration yes are you interested in the position

um well i i did have a few questions beforehand now i can try to answer your questions i really

wasn't given too much information about the position but i can try to help you

Is this local?

It's in...

All right, but what kind of range?

How many miles do I have to...

We can go up to an hour, hour and a half to two hours away,

depending on what losses they might get.

Oh, yeah? Okay.

That might be something I might want to do.

Yeah, definitely.

I'm sorry, I'm a little distracted right now.

Okay, would you like the address?

Hang on, hang on.

I'm just watching this movie right now.

It's amazing the things they do now on these movies these days.

it's amazing yeah um can i come in for uh to do the resume um you can come in to fill out an

application and our address is yeah okay road and okay i got it got it here all right and what time

is open um 8 30 to 5 and how many spaces are there um i don't know how many positions they're

harrington no not position how many spaces i'm sorry how many uh how many spaces i i don't know

what you mean by spaces can you not hear me no i can't hang on let me turn this down i was watching

a movie here uh how many spaces what do you mean by spaces how many spaces when i get there how

many spaces will there be to use there it's a lobby there is no spaces you just come in and

fill out an application and then they'll review it yeah but i just need to know what kind of what

i need to bring my papers you know you need to fill out the whole application if you have a resume

please bring that along you will need your driver's license and this security card so i need

my papers too i need those papers i need my cards my papers right yeah uh-huh all right my book i

need to bring the the book i don't know what book you're talking about the workbook i don't know

know what workbook miss washington gave me a workbook that i'm supposed to work out of i don't

know it's a class i took for how to get a job and she said there's a workbook and everything that i

have to do all the exercises i'm sorry sir i don't know if you're interested in the position you're

more than welcome to come in and fill out an application and bring any paperwork that you

would like to offer them okay and a checkbook also maybe no i can i can am i going to interview

interview with a man or a woman um man if you're interested sir you're more than welcome to come

in thanks i just have more questions and i'm sorry i don't i don't have any more answers

but it said here you know that it has i can call if i have any questions what happened okay i can

put you into the manager's voicemail no i don't like voicemail i'm i'm sorry sir i don't have

any more answers that i can give you i like to talk to people you know i like talking to people

i'm sorry sir thank you do you like talking to people

oh man i want i don't know she never reacted so i don't know 100 if she heard the uh the

vulgarities there that were being played in the background i don't know okay those were the

cleaners guys child care before and after no i can't do that i can't play that shit for the

child care um here's this can you dig it and we talked to them that's the ramble call that i did

where i told a guy i think it was a driving company and i told him that i gave him my vietnam

vet story but it was really it was like a rehash of uh rambo and rambo 2 he finally figured it out

at some point i'm pretty sure let's see if he doesn't remember me here we'll play some more

porno audio here good morning uh that's hang on yeah that's john my name is john hang on let me

Is that J-O-H-N?

That is me, yes, sir.

Just a minute.

Okay.

I've got...

I hear the baby crying, I hear the dog barking,

and I hear my own voice because you've got me on speaker.

Oh, hang on.

I'm sorry.

Oh, you could hear that?

I'm sorry.

I didn't know you could.

I was watching a movie here.

That's quite all right.

What's your first name?

Oh, this is Wallace.

And Wallace, let me ask you a couple questions.

Wally, everyone calls me Wally.

First of all, can you take me off speaker because I'm getting an echo.

You're getting an echo, a bad echo?

Yes, a bad echo.

Okay, I was watching a movie and I just wanted to have my hands free,

so I put you on speakerphone.

I understand.

Wally, first of all, are you calling about our heavy equipment school?

Totally, yeah.

I'm sorry, I'm just a little distracted.

Hang on, let me.

Okay.

What about, you hear me better now?

There we go.

What I can do is send you some information on our school program.

Oh, I have internet.

I just got internet for the first time.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, and I've just been watching movies on the internet.

It's amazing the stuff they've got on here.

And I've got an email address.

Okay, yeah, I can send you some information.

What's your email address, Wally?

It's Wally1948.

at mail, mail, at mail, hang on, Wally, W-A-L-I, Wally, 1-9-4-8, and then that's all together

in all small letters.

Okay.

At mail.com?

Something like that, yeah, it's mail, at mail, email.

Email, why mail, or just mail?

It says email, email it says here.

Good, huh?

At email? Okay, that's a little unusual. I've never heard of that one.

Well, let me ask you a couple quick questions. First of all, how old are you?

Yeah, well, you know, I don't want to take up your time.

I'm happy to help you. You can take as much of my time as necessary.

We try to send some information out, but I want to make sure it's accurate information.

I don't send you the wrong information. How old are you, please?

It's like 40.

Okay, and do you have any military training?

Yeah, give me, I've really got to, kid, this movie's amazing.

I don't know, have you ever heard of this movie?

You don't know, I haven't, Wally, but I tell you what, you can call us back when the movie's over,

and if you're interested in getting some information, my name's John, just ask for me.

I don't know if I'll have to watch the whole movie.

Okay, go right ahead.

Maybe I can just, what, maybe like five minutes, can you give me five more minutes?

All right, cool, he's gone.

All right, enough of the porno.

Because I'm getting ideas.

All right.

i don't know that they can hear that correctly that guy was saying he had an echo even

shit man fucking echoes and then he says call cameron while watching porn while playing porn

yeah i don't know about calling david cameron dude all right hell hell why not let's do it

this one goes out to nunu that little asshole monkey supposedly he has cerebral palsy from

what i understand nunu does that's what milkman is convinced of milkman's convinced that nunu

has cerebral palsy and that's why he doesn't ever call in or anything like that or that he has a

really bad lisp oh this is the the gypsy council neither the uk gypsy council cost me 25 cents a

minute bro i guess it's a cell phone the fuck's that about sorry i ain't gonna be calling that

shit damn it so here's good afternoon hey how are you fine thank you good yeah that's cool

yeah can i help you yeah yeah just i was just calling say hey you know how you doing okay

very well thank you oh that's cool yeah so does the does the guy sleep here too and shit or

oh man what do you want me to do activate their porn filter new new okay look how stupid this is

good afternoon back in the palace oh you don't have more than one person it's just you honey baby

oh she's hello please talk to me now she's hanging up do you see what happened now buckingham

Cam Palos won't talk to me, Nunu.

The cat's over here fighting.

Hey, knock it off, you little shit.

You little shit.

Stop it.

Fucking Davi.

He gets real violent.

God.

Anyway.

The dead.

The married.

The dead.

He says he has unprotected sex now with his wife.

With his Dominican wife.

Jesus, man.

Hang on.

Let me see if I can call Big Dialer from DialersLab.net.

Why was it DialersPad.net?

I don't see that he's on right now.

Come on, Dialer.

Dialer.

is in the milkman seat today milkman sleeping right now sleep sounds good man sleep is good

man hello hello hey why are you staying there buddy i came outside after i peed i'm a simple

man that's all i am dialerspad how are you man dialerspad.net that's your website oh no no no

no what is the website what do you give out you have like four you're one of those another one

of those like two or three sites or names what do you want what do you plug plug yeah toilet okay

Okay, all right, plug your toilets, whatever you want, man.

Whatever you say, bro.

Let's see, I'm looking here.

What do you call the cleaners?

Can you do pranks there, or are you still en route to wherever it is you hide at

to do pranks every day?

Oh, I'm good.

I'm up on the 55th floor.

Wow, construction.

I'm looking down at the sky.

Wow, construction drillers helpers.

That's what I got here for a job.

Let's see if they answer.

I think I tried to call them last week also.

I don't know what the success ratio was on this target.

Again, it's just a construction drilling company looking for a job.

I don't know.

See what you can do.

I'll probably ruin it like I usually do.

Okay, buddy.

Hello, this is Christy Reed with Earth.

If you leave me your name and number, I will follow up with you as soon as possible.

Have a great day.

Hello.

Hello, how are you doing, dear?

Good.

How can I help you?

I'm okay.

My cat is not doing that great.

We have a little bit of a problem.

Do you do residential emergency sort of things?

You have the wrong number, sir.

Who are you?

I thought you drilled holes in the ground.

Wow, she called you, sir.

She looked right through your voice.

Wow, that's an insult.

She slapped you in the face with that, man.

That's fucked up.

All right, apply in person.

This says for forklift operators.

There we go.

I'd like to see how Lucy would do.

He's in a forklift.

Oh, shit.

Lucy Fillmore on a forklift, guys.

Yeah, they got special words for them.

license. Yeah. Isn't there a forklift

operator? It's got a whole bunch of sexual

connotations, I think. A woman riding

a forklift. Driving one. I've never seen

a woman driving a forklift, even at Home Depot.

You know how this country's all, you know,

gender equity. You never see

them driving forklifts at Home Depot,

fucker. Nope. They can't do it.

They can't. Busy? Puto

cabron. We'll try it again.

Busy machine. Busy machine.

Dialer, put that on the big board for me, please.

We'll mark it down and call it back.

Thank you, sir. Appreciate it.

We got a job fair.

Job fair, buddy.

This might be just a voicemail giving out information about it,

but apparently there was a job fair yesterday.

We missed the job fair.

I like that.

Let's see if we get someone to answer this number

and make a big boo-hoo about how we missed the job fair, how we slept in.

You could be my mom.

You can do the voice of my mother if we get a chance for you to interrupt

and just say that you tried to wake me up, but I'm lazy and I never wake up on time.

Staffing, please hold.

Oh, God.

Hello?

Thanks for holding to help you.

Yeah, I was supposed to come in, and I slept in.

I slept in.

I overslept.

Okay.

Your name?

What's your name?

This is Wally, W-A-L-I, Spring Hill.

What time were you supposed to come in?

It was yesterday between 9 and 3.

You had the job fair.

All right.

I do welding and stuff like that, and I overslept.

I had a long weekend.

I stayed up all weekend with some friends from out of town, and we went to Atlantic City.

We were gambling.

We went to strip club.

We were drinking.

Okay, I don't need to know all this.

Yeah, but I did it again because this has happened where I've overslept my last job.

I slept for a whole day because I went out partying and I lost a job because I didn't come in on Monday, which is our busiest day.

And now here I am.

I did it again.

Can I borrow somebody's notes?

What?

Can I borrow someone else's notes on the job fair, you know, just to see what I missed, please?

I'm sorry.

Aria, I can take a makeup and everything, a makeup test.

I come in and she's like, what the fuck are you talking about?

I like to test makeup as well.

If she picks up, say you're my mom, and just try to beg for me to be able to come in.

Hello, this is E. Williams' mother.

You hung up on him.

He was just trying to get a makeup test.

What's the problem here?

I'm sorry, I didn't take that call.

How can I help you?

Oh, someone was very rude.

He's interested in the job fair and taking the test and whatnot.

I don't understand why people are so rude down there.

Okay, I'm not sure what's going on.

There's no test.

There's no job fair.

How can I help you?

Oh, someone's having a bad hair day down below, I guess.

I'm sorry?

Someone's having a bad, nasty, bad day or something.

Buy a fucking curling iron.

I don't know if you caught that, but she was in the background yelling about what I had just said to her.

my mom to call in is happening again i did it again awesome all right why don't the weird ones

only call me i did it again okay um lead carpenters here's a different carpenter one

that won't pick up because they never pick up the fucks the fucking carpenters i guess you got

to be jewish your caller id has to come up with a jewish caller id name maybe that's what it is

working god jesus was a carpenter and he was no jew he was the most awesome carpenter ever thank

you for calling modelers we're unable to take your call right now see what i mean never answer

i had a whole thing about i was gonna tell him i was a carpenter like jesus christ before you say

you got like one rose and stuff and you use that to hold your tool yeah i got a robe the robe keeps

me nice and cool like an arab in the heat lifeguards wanted at the fitness center all right

Lifeguards

Motherfucker

Here we go

Lifeguards

Anything special

Happening with your

Is it

Is it a

Global chaos now

Is that what we're

Supposed to call it

Or GCR

Yeah

Nothing special

Just

I thought you were

Going to once a

Once a week now

I thought

Didn't you say

Yeah

Once a week

Sadly it's just

I'm editing

Oh hey

I'm sorry

We were having a

Conversation

How rude

I saw here

You're taking a job

For lifeguards

For facility

Well it says

his lifeguards here in the newspaper what do you mean facility what are you talking about

who do you want to speak to i need to speak with mr aquatic director okay that's what you should

ask for his name is james and what's your problem i don't have one but you're calling you're just

saying something you're calling the fitness center the house needs at this place answer

the phone all nasty huh dialer you heard that yeah the house slaves answer real nasty on this

phone here at this place i'm gonna have to talk to master about the big house people using the

okay have a good day what was your name he has a bee sting in his mouth

that was race that was bad dialer i can't believe he said that i thought i was on psr for a second

i haven't heard the rant but so uh brad played the right yesterday right

he did that was funny all right i gotta i was shouting jerry jerry i'm gonna listen to that

After the show, I'm going to listen to it.

I think it's on Mixler, so hopefully you can get a hold of that.

Real estate.

This is career information this Thursday at 7.

Get all your questions answered about career and real estate with Century 21.

Career night this Thursday.

Here we go.

Career night this Thursday.

We'll see about that.

Career night.

What should you wear?

should i bring something honey should

Should I bring some rolls?

I'll bring some chips and Pepsi.

They used to be a male stewardess on a flight plane.

So if that's the only professional attire you have, don't hold up your phone.

Thank you for calling.

Oh, gosh.

That's good shit.

Yeah, hey, I was calling about a job fair I think you're having on Thursday.

Okay.

Can I get your name and number?

I'm going to have the person who.

hang on hang on man uh what first of all are you serious what are you serious about the job there

yeah well i have a i can't make it thursday night man i want to know can i um can i like

get grab some notes from someone you know let me have somebody give you a call what's your name

is it a woman or a man that's gonna call me it's a man okay that's good because sometimes with the

women they get really into me you know what i mean when i have pheromones you're a riot yeah

i got pheromones you ever heard of pheromones i my body produces a lot of pheromones can i put

you on hold for a minute uh why because i have to go get i have to take care of somebody standing

in front of me who hold on what they want i keep fucking with you people uh let me just look for

numbers first all right here we got a number for drivers willing to team hello hello can i have

have your name and number and i'm gonna have jordan call you would that be okay all right yeah

honey that's cool hey you like chipotle do you like chipotle do i like chipotle chipotle you

ever go to chipotle no i've never been there you want to go i'll take you who is this god

bless it who the heck is it god damn it you can say it no i can't because i'm mad at me for not

knowing who this is god bless it who the heck is this you got some nice puffy areolas on you i

I think. You shut up. You got some nice

puffy areolas. Nice pink

puffy ones. Hello. Why you

told me to shut up like that? Don't get mad. Come on.

You know you like it? Anyway, she's gone.

She didn't like

areolas, guys.

That was a red line right there that we

crossed.

Anyway, here's a driver with a

$5,000 sign-on

bonus. Nice, big, bold

text on a pretty big

size ad in the paper.

So they laid down some money for this, Tyler, man.

Cha-ching.

Go and get me a TV.

It's got some color in it.

It's got a big picture of a guy behind a car.

Wow.

What's he doing?

Stuffing a tailpipe?

No, he's just standing.

He's got his hand out.

He's like, hey, man.

He's like, oh.

Oh, fuck.

Thank you for calling.

For quality of service, this call may be recorded.

Thank you for calling.

Please dial your recruiter's four-digit extension or press 1 for the phone.

I do not understand that request.

Thank you for calling.

If you know your recruiter's extension, you may dial it now

or stay on the line for the next available recruiter.

While we wait on that, let's call our good friends at the restaurant in Manchester, U.K.

Shut down a record three times for cockroach droppings.

Thank you for continuing to hold.

The party you're trying to reach will be with you shortly.

Please stay on the line to hold your place in mind.

Fine.

I don't know about this driver thing.

It's only forever.

Oh, sorry.

Hello?

That rang and stayed silent.

What a shit.

Well, we'll keep it connected for a few minutes here.

Here's a different company.

Dedicated Fleet, day cab, home, daily, day, and nighttime start.

Whatever the fuck that means, that's what they are doing, all right?

Whatever I just said.

I can decode it.

Whatever.

Look, Driver CDLA, Dedicated Fleet, day cab, home, daily, day and night,

times, day and night, times start.

That's what it says.

So you pick your shift and you go home every night.

I guess.

dedicated fleet day cab home daily i was gonna i'm gonna say some weird shit to them i'm gonna

read just read the fucking ad back to them just like that so they learn they gotta learn right

they gotta learn they gotta learn don't let you're the uh english teacher at the college

thank you for calling okay you're welcome they both disconnected at the same time

phone network error oh no oh well that number's working but the other one is not maybe i dialed

it wrong let me try that again hang on you gotta use all numbers no i think i transposed some

numbers anyway guys uh this is madhouse daytime show dialer is joining us for the afternoon phone

network error this doesn't work how stupid are they right they can't even put the right number

in here huh stupid how would you skype drive from google voice you would be surprised skype's been

having some routing issues lately well there you go it could be the routing machine there here's

a different one though this one doesn't sound goofy but i'll read the previous places number

uh add to them we'll stay on the theme we can't be directly angry but we can just talk shit oh

this is weird too home weekly bi-weekly layover layover but i don't enjoy late over detention

how can i help y'all i'm calling about home weekly bi-weekly layover detention short haul pay

70% sign, D, and sign, H, 90% sign, no touch, no Canada, hazmat or NYC, BC slash BS, dental, vision, 401K, ETC, dot, dot, dot, class A, CDL, W slash 6, MOS, EXP, dot.

Okay, let me get you to a recruiter, okay?

Okay.

This is Rob, I may help you.

I'm calling about home weekly, bi-weekly, layover, detention, short haul pay, 70% sign, D and sign, H slash, 90%, all caps, no touch, no Canada, hazmat, or NYC exclamation point, BCBS, dental, vision, 401K, ETC, dot, dot, dot, class A, CDL, W slash, six, MOS, EXP.

Okay, where do you live at, sir?

Cowan.

Okay, what state?

Cowan, Cowan.

What state, sir?

Cowan in Cowan.

What state?

What state do you live in?

Cowan.

Cowan what?

Yeah, yeah, Cowan.

Do you have a CDL?

I have a driver CDLA, dedicated fleet, day cab home daily.

Okay.

Day and night.

Can you tell me what state you live in?

Day and night.

Day and night, time start, new late model.

Cowan.

I'm in Cowan.

What state do you live in?

Tractors need domicile drivers for Aspers.

What?

Mileage pay drop and hook.

What?

Go on back and just say Cowan.

There's no way for you to get him because they probably have a few recruiters.

I almost lost my shit like twice in a row there.

There were twice where I was like losing my shit.

Michelle, can I help you?

Is Cowan Cowan?

Cowan?

Hello?

Your name is Cowan?

No, you transferred me to someone, and I was saying about Cowan.

Okay, what is your name, sir?

I didn't tell him my name.

Okay, what is the state that you live in?

Cowan, I live in Cowan.

Okay, what state?

That's a city.

Yeah, city, Cowan.

Yeah.

Yeah, what state?

Drop and hook, steady year-round work.

Okay.

TT1-W year EXP.

Okay, okay.

On-board navigation in all trucks.

Mm-hmm.

Home weekly with regional runs and 70 brand new trucks added to the fleet in bold letters.

Okay.

And where did you see our ad at?

Class A CDL.

Okay.

Required.

And how many years have you been driving?

Also hiring new CDL grads.

No, you must have a different company.

We don't hire graduates.

No.

Well, so you what?

You're stupid?

Is that what you're saying?

No, I'm not saying I'm stupid at all.

Oh.

No, I mean like you're saying that I'm stupid.

No, I'm saying that we need to have at least six months experience.

hire you i can't i drive a car i drive i know how to drive what happened okay i'm not like a woman

who doesn't know how to drive really yeah really yeah do you have a cdl i said cdl yeah yeah do

you have one yeah what about it you don't believe me i have it right here if you don't believe me

oh well hang on hang on hang on right here see i'm sorry i can't see through the phone

i'm sure that you do have i have a camera phone oh do you uh-huh i have a video phone i just

Just hit the button for video on it.

See?

Okay.

I can see it on the screen of the phone.

It shows the card where it has my name.

Okay.

Colin.

Okay.

Are you interested in coming to work for our company?

Man, I don't know.

I have several candidates talking to me already, so.

Okay.

You know, I don't think maybe you're going to be a good fit because you don't have enough

experience for me, you know?

Okay.

And I'm tired of this little game that you people play with me all the time.

Okay.

So I'm sorry to tell you.

I'm declining you.

Okay.

Well, thanks for the call.

Well, no, thank you for being interested, you know, but maybe she needs six-month experience.

Stupid.

I'm going to decline people for work.

Yeah.

I'm calling them on here.

That's pretty funny.

Getting revenge for all that bullshit for so long.

It'd be funny if you got back to the guy and just said, Cowan again.

Cowan.

All right.

needed immediately

strong-minded

individuals needed

for a telephone

contact apartment

machine

uh telephone

that could be

anything you know

you know I'm gonna

tell them I used to

work for joke of the

day collection

joke of the day

collection agency

that'd be a good one

too I'll make them

pay they don't pay

within the first five

minutes I forgot where

they are and I come

and see them

I'll break the knees

dude you know that

vice uh that people

those vice uh people

that do those

documentaries and stuff

They got one for the scariest creditor in the world.

It's awesome.

He's like this bruiser in the UK that just beats the shit out of people and breaks legs.

Hello, thank you for calling Recruiter and Trainer for Bath Fitter.

Please hold while I try that extension.

Bath Fitters?

I already talked to Bath Fitters.

That's the one I kept asking about toilets.

Hello, thank you for calling Recruiter and Trainer for Bath Fitter.

If you could please leave your name.

Nah, they ain't answering, bro.

Sorry, man.

Dammit.

Dammit, indeed.

Indeed, I have a little hamburger here that I bought before the show started at McDonald's,

and I'm kind of hungry, but I thought it'd be funny to call about, you know,

asking about a job while I stuff my face full of food.

It's always kind of funny.

I do that sometimes.

Now, that might offend you, dialer, because you're having to listen to it.

I apologize, but this is all theater, okay?

It's for theater of the mind.

That's what we do.

I eat when I make a show.

Yeah, there you go.

Electrician helper, must have own truck, hand tools, and at least two years field experience.

Experience, Paul will accept calls between 8 and 5 a.m.

Big Paul, guys.

He even gave his name.

I bet you Paul didn't even know about it until he opened the paper.

Like, what?

I what?

What do you mean?

No, I ain't going to answer no.

God damn it.

Marcy, why'd you put that in the fucking news?

Now, when you're eating that damn thing, small as it may be, try to make it last as long as possible.

Lick all the morsel.

Hello?

Well, is this the...

Yes.

You got electrician.

And are you a physical helper?

The position's been filled.

Thank you.

Hey.

Yes.

Are you sure about that guy?

I'm sorry?

Yes, we filled the position.

How much?

Tell us your new theme.

I have something else.

Not right now.

We filled the position for electrician's helper.

That has been filled.

Man, is this just a small operation?

Well, are you just a small operation?

Yes.

Just you?

You're the owner and just you by yourself?

Yes.

does your wife do the paperwork um oh he's gone i'm gonna choke can you hear that on your end

does it sound like i'm eating Tyler it sounds gross i bet does your wife fill out the paperwork

because i like to fill her position if you know what i mean you can't be doing it right i swear

to god i can save you money she's gonna be fucking it up you want to do another one man

you you only get you only get so long you're on restriction i know i'm on restriction well

Well, the forklift didn't go through.

Here is Housekeepers at a Marriott in town.

Oh, wonderful.

Here you go.

Let's see on the number.

Da-da-da.

Da-da-da-da.

Here we go.

Good luck.

Thank you for calling.

This is Luke.

How may I help you?

Hi.

Good heavens, you're quiet.

I had a hard time hearing you.

Are you wearing one of those headsets?

Oh, no.

No, the phone.

No, you're just really quiet.

We'll try to make do.

I'm a bit old and hard of hearing, but I can barely make you say it.

My name is Lucy.

See, I put in an application, and I sent you my resume.

I'm the lady who moved out here from Nevada.

I used to work as the topless cleaner,

and I was hoping you would consider and maybe give me an interview.

Did you talk to Janine already, or...?

I believe I did. Is that his name?

Wait, what vision were you applying for?

I wanted to do housecleaning for the graveyard.

Oh, okay, yeah. I can transfer you to Janine.

Oh, thank you so much.

I hope he has my I hope he didn't rounds pilot because I have years of experience the most uncomfortable circumstances

I was cleaning while people were home, and they wanted to watch as I did it topless as you can imagine

I'm a workhorse. I'm 71 years old, but I'm

Your name and your number and what does I want to say you can get back to you

I'm not sure if she's in her office. I'll send you back. I hope you guys aren't just occurred because I'm old

We'll be with you in just one moment.

Wonderful.

I'll do whatever to take that job.

I'll get on my knees and suck on your nuts.

Hello?

Record the message.

Oh, bullshit message.

Yabba-dabba-doo, and your little dog, too.

This is Lucy calling about the resume I sent in along with my application.

I'm the lady who moved out from Nevada, the topless house cleaner.

I have years of experience, and I am fit for the job.

I hope you take me seriously, and don't just throw it in the round file,

because I will not be pleased to sit down there and see you face-to-face

and demand that you get on your knees and pull it out,

unwrinkle it, and put it through your copier,

and then put it right through the problem.

Like, when people get me to the top, it's not fair,

and I'm 71, but I can still bring the pain.

Call me back. Bye.

All right.

Hopefully we get a response from that on the caller ID machine.

Do you ever check your callback number?

Yeah, yeah. I actually got one there I can play.

Speaking.

Yeah, so you got jobs here for CNAs?

Pardon me?

You got a job here for CNAs?

Yes, we're just taking applications right now.

Mm, okay.

I'm calling you for my lunch break.

I only get, like, 30 minutes for my lunch.

Okay.

Mm, man, this is great.

Oh, have you, this Burger King's got, like, their own version of the Big Mac, you know?

Uh-huh.

Oh, it's delicious.

And they even got the sauce and everything on it.

Mm, okay.

So, I've polished that off now.

CNA's needed.

Sounds good.

All right, well, I approve your offer.

You know, I approve it.

Yeah?

Approve what offer?

There's an offer of work here that you posted for me.

I didn't post any offer for you.

You didn't, but everyone else, someone there did, says CNA is needed.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

And who is this?

This is Wally.

Wally from who where?

From my house.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, Wally, I guess your number's safe.

Why do you say mm-hmm like that?

I'm not taking you seriously, okay?

Why not?

Because goodbye.

Well, you put an offer.

You were looking for me, you know?

I've been looking for you, honey.

You like Chipotle?

chipotle i'm gonna get one of these bras to go to chipotle with me dialer and i'm gonna finger

and fucking finger and eat her out and stuff it's gonna be awesome there's plenty of sauce

chipotle is where it's at man chipotle is where it's at pardon me chipotle is where it's at why

are you calling me because you put an offer in the newspaper for me to call about john no i did

not who did what's in the newspaper then is there a man i can talk to yeah i'll have him call you

You'll be right back, okay?

What's his name?

Don't worry what his name is, but I'll have him call you.

Thank you.

Look, honey, I command you to give me the name.

I order you.

Got a good order in there.

The man is going to call.

You know what she means by the man, the police.

Officer Beaning.

All right.

Dental assistant here.

All right.

Dental assistant.

I still got my hash browns.

We can eat that.

Call, like, something in your mouth so your mouth cannot, like, pronounce a word properly.

And then say that you're, like, being worked on right now, but you want to be considered

because you're practicing on yourself.

I practice on myself, too.

All right, I'm good.

Is Bobby still on vacation?

What's his problem?

No, Bobby's back.

Whatever.

Look on the car.

He says, nah, man, my phone's working.

dentistry, how can I help you?

Yeah, hey, I see you have a position there.

Is that correct?

For a dental assistant?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Okay.

What was your name?

I'm sorry?

What was your name?

I can't understand you.

Well, I'm sorry.

I'm eating lunch.

Are you taking resumes?

Are we taking resumes?

Yes.

Okay.

Should I go there or turn it to you or can I come in?

May I have your name, sir?

It's Wally.

I'm sorry?

Wally.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, it's so good.

I'm sorry.

It was delicious.

I made a steak sandwich.

So you're calling for a position here, correct?

Mm-hmm.

What's the problem?

May I have your phone number, please?

I made a steak sandwich.

I got these water rolls, a giant.

Are you being serious?

Yeah, I bought steakums.

I put them, I grill them on my grill.

What is your phone number, sir?

I got like a griddle.

Hang on, let me tell you this.

So I got like a griddle.

Sir, if you're, we're not, we're not here to, we didn't put that information in the

paper for our game.

I'm just explaining to you why I was eating.

But sir, you're calling for a position.

We can take that information down.

I don't, unfortunately, he's not going to listen to you talking about steakums.

No, no, I made steak sandwich, you know.

I'm sorry, sir?

I made a steak sandwich.

That's why I just had it.

It was good.

Whatever.

Hey, buddy.

I told you she was.

Hey, I don't like talking to women, usually.

That's part of the problem, you know?

Is this how?

Yeah, hey, man.

What's your name?

This is Wally.

What's your name?

Wally.

Huh?

Yeah, Wally.

What can we do for you?

Wally.

Yeah, I was calling for a dental assistant.

My friend Bhenchod said to call.

Hello?

This is the Bhenchod said that you have dental assistant and Matarchod and Bhenchod, you know?

No, no, we don't need, thank you.

Do you know Dr. Patel?

He told me to call.

No, no, no, that's fine.

You know Dr. Patel.

You know who Dr. Patel is.

I don't want to talk with you.

We don't want to talk properly with my secretary and everything.

So we don't want to, like...

Fuck you.

I'm a professional.

I don't swear on the phone.

He understood Banshee.

He didn't like it.

He's like, I'm a doctor.

How dare you?

That had to be the doctor, right?

That's funny.

And I said...

Yeah, yeah, definitely.

Highly paid people, they, oh, it really pisses them off when you talk straight to them.

There are so many Dr. Patels he has to know.

I've personally been treated by probably like four Dr. Patels in my life.

There's like a million Patels.

Dr. Patel.

Okay, look, listen.

I'm going to do a few more.

We got you for, what, like 17 more minutes or something?

Maybe like 10, maybe.

Top of the hour.

physical therapist all right i should have called very that would have been funny i'm out of food

now fuck man doctor cracker i like to break them bones here's a tape that's playing now here it is

right here and you i don't know if you can see this you don't have a but thank you for calling

the office how may i help you yeah i'm looking here you have positions available for physical

therapists uh this is the vagina of central pennsylvania um this is the vna of central

Pennsylvania yeah but that's like a code name for vagina right that's like a um no the visiting

nurse association oh I thought that was like a abbreviation for vagina like there's a lot of you

know um etc are you serious about inquiring about are you gonna are you making jokes I didn't

understand what VNA was and I looked it up and it went to a website and it had the classified

a five section uh abbreviation list and it said vna means vagina and m4m is man for man but you

don't have that one here it just says vagina central pennsylvania i guess i don't know it was

like uh like a urologist or something what is what a gynecologist that's what it is right

no we're the visiting nurse association of central pennsylvania aren't are you interested

in the position and i can put you in someone's voicemail or are you cracking jokes no

No, no, I seriously looked up VNA.

Okay, well, I'm going to go ahead and put you in Paula's voicemail,

and you can leave her a message, okay?

Why?

You just said that you were interested in a position with physical therapy.

Yeah, I just don't like voicemail, you know?

It takes a lot of time, and I never hear back from anybody.

I like talking to people, you know?

I like people.

Right.

I'm a big people person.

But unfortunately, I have other people that are waiting to talk to me,

so you're either going to leave a voicemail, or I'm going to have to go.

Oh, like the patients, or who are they?

Other workers?

um that's kind of none of your business what is it it's not are you done we're still HIPAA

compliant if you tell me that okay no sir I have another call coming in so I can either put you

into voicemail or I can hang up you can put me on hold no I'm sorry it's either voicemail or we

gotta go I command you to put me on hold and come back hey you're not going to command me to do

anything I just did I just did or I'm gonna go okay sir I'm gonna hang up now I'm not I'm not

I'm not telling you to do it.

I already did.

I already told you.

I'm not telling you.

Gotta go.

She's talking to me like I'm a five-year-old.

She's like, it's either transfer you or I'm going to hang up.

Call her back and ask her if she was on The Nannies.

She played The Nanny.

The Nanny?

Oh, Fran Drescher.

Thank you for calling.

You ask her.

Ask her.

Yeah.

Hello?

Yeah.

Whoa.

What's that all about?

Wow.

Wow. Yeah, I'm calling about the job. Is it still available?

Okay, one moment, please.

What job were you interested in?

Oh, the nursing assistant job. Are you Louis Griffin?

No, this is the station of Central Pennsylvania. Can I help you with something?

Oh, you sound like the lady on that Family Guy cartoon.

Peter.

Thank you.

So is there something else I can help you with?

Vagina.

What do you mean, sir?

Vagina.

Nah, Lowish, come home and make me dinner.

The giant of Central Florida.

Uh, Pennsylvania.

I don't live in Central Florida anymore.

What am I talking about?

Fuck, no.

Uh, a new career in paralegal is waiting for me.

And you, apparently.

Dialer machine.

Paralegal means, like, you can't use your hands.

Oh, dammit.

I use those for everything.

I use my mouth only, man.

I get that repetitive stress injury, speaking of using my hands.

You gotta get a...

please hold while we transfer your call this call may be recorded for quality assurance

that jen stewart uses no he's got some egg shit now masturbation egg

hey honey how are you honey hello i'm fine i see you got a new career waiting for me you

wrote me a letter here you have a new career waiting why am i waiting and that you i need

to take the first steps okay there's like the sexy name there who you need to contact sexy woman on

on here yeah uh it's for the paralegal position you know so what i guess it means like i only i'm

only have to be like kind of legal like i made backroom deals and like i represent like i'm sorry

italian because if it is then you'll need to get serious it means paralegal right it's paralegal

doesn't that what that means like you're expected to be within the law but you bend the laws a little

bit i'm gonna hang up now if you want to talk seriously you can okay i'll be serious i'm sorry

I'll be serious.

Don't hang up, please.

It's my last quarter.

She said I could call back.

Oh, God, lady, clear your throat up.

She said.

You service a gent before you answer the phone.

God.

Please hold while we transfer your call.

You know what?

This call may be recorded for quality assurance.

She was eating at her desk, Tyler.

That's why.

God, man.

What the hell is wrong with her phone?

Did she block me or something?

She put the phone down.

Please hold while we transfer your call.

This call may be recorded for quality assurance.

She's the one doing it.

She's seen it come up on the ID, and she's putting it up.

She's transferring it herself.

What a little bitch.

Wow, man.

I can do it, too.

Listen to independent contractor talk about earning.

I called these people last time, and they didn't answer.

Maybe we'll answer this time.

Okay, here we go.

That's exactly what happened last time.

Damn it.

Okay, that ain't going to work.

We got some NASCAR race tickets available.

Oh, we also got Swap Shop numbers, people that have left ads on Swap Shop.

Let's do a few of those.

Let me read that.

A lot of those get posted during the day.

We've got someone interested in buying a loveseat high-to-bed sofa for cheap.

Her name is Linda.

I'm going to accuse her of wanting to set it up in a storage shed so she can have sex with another married man, you know.

you got a storage room laura awkward in you somewhere hey the love just brand why that

guy honked the horn someone cut him off or was he saying hi someone hello hey linda you're looking

for a sofa bed yeah oh hey see cuz what i i've i've got it in the storage shed right now i bought

it and i put it in the storage uh storage unit you know and i put it in there and i set it up

because that's where i go with my mistress and i fuck her on the couch i lay her on the couch and

we fuck and we have sex you know she's married and i'm married and we we we have an affair and

we fuck and we we drink uh we drink alcohol like we drink lemon coolers we make lemon coolers and

we have sex on the on the couch and everything i made that but i'm breaking up with her and

and i always wear a condom you know i don't spill anything and it's got sheets on it the whole time

It's even got the original plastic on it, damn it.

And I tried to take it back.

I took it back to the store.

Oh, man.

I had a story about the store, and they found a condom in it,

and they said I couldn't return it.

I don't want it.

Hello?

Yeah, are you there?

Yeah.

I kept the original plastic on it.

When I took it back to the store.

I don't want to hear what all you've done on the sofa.

When I took it back to the store.

Now, I will take this number and turn it in.

So take these sofas and don't call me back.

Come on.

I'll give it to you cheap.

$5.

It's a sexual sofa.

He's going to turn your number inside out.

Wow.

Okay.

Cool.

Whatever that means.

We got a yard sale half mile past the American Legion.

Oh, there's no phone number.

They were just saying that.

Okay.

Well, fuck them.

For sale, a Mossy Ferguson diesel tractor was bought new by my uncle and been here my whole life.

Wow, man.

That's old.

Wow, he's had it since he used to have teeth.

Shit.

It only has 1,522 hours.

I don't know if that's miles.

Is it hours?

That's like miles, kind of.

Kind of like miles.

It's like a plane.

Yeah, I got 1,522 hours of tractor time.

Okay, let's do it.

Hey, how are you?

You got that tractor machine there, boy?

I am.

now you got a goddamn tractor machine there boy let me get out of here i was over here getting

some tires changed i couldn't hear good in there oh because you're stupid hi you got a stupid uh

tractor for sale a piece of shit uh diesel tractor piece of shit for sale hello you know

somebody gives a shit no come on i had lots of money i'm a jew i'm a jew you're you yeah jewish

like jesus oh okay yeah come on let's go on the tractor and let's tell people we were wearing

skirts and driving the tractor around what do you say whatever i would have offered him some

bath salts because he struck me of that gentleman who was telling you what to do with yourself

god damn you god damn a bath salt

all right we got a property i'm not gonna take off now but you enjoy the rest of your time on

On this airway station there.

All right there, boy.

Take it easy.

Have fun at work.

Have a nice work time.

Bye.

That's Dialer, dialerslab.tk and the Global Chaos Radio Podcast.

Be sure to subscribe to them.

Show them your support and tell them Madhouse sent you.

We get $5 for everyone we send over there, motherfucker.

Thomas the Train Sheets Comforter Pillowcase to Fit Baby Bed or Toddler Bed.

Also a matching curtain.

they paid 40 bucks we'll take 20 and also thomas and friends trains for sale along with movies

dvd of thomas and friends well i guess the kid got out of time i hope the kid didn't die dude

i hope it's not dad holy shit my little nephew he loves thomas the train he's trained crazy he

sees trains he won't shut up matt you gotta hand him in the hand like hey stop talking about the

stupid trains you little shit no i wouldn't do that love that kid but fuck he loves trains man

Man, I think he's going to be an engineer when he grows up and shit.

I'm going to send him down to Kokanee's way up there in Alberta.

Kokanee will find him a job on the trains.

They can blow up little towns in Quebec.

On the train with the Jewel Dance.

Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.

Okay, I'm done.

It is now 1 p.m.

I was on for about an hour and a half.

That's all you get from me today.

We've gone through the newspaper, did some calls, did some tradeo calls there at the end.

some shit for sale i want to thank big dialer for joining in yeah and then i go and i leave now

bye i hope you enjoy the show smell you later

this message is from aisha calling from hummus house um i understand that you called the

restaurant a couple of times last night didn't place an order and talked to two of my servers

um i just wanted to let you know in the future uh we will not be filling any orders for you we

decide our right to refuse service to you um the conversations that you had were inappropriate

appropriate with the servers if you call back um again i will give this phone number to our

local police office and report you for her access so please do not call our establishment again

thank you 98.6

Calls (22, 39 min of 1 h 2 min)

Transcript

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