Special Kiss

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

I don't play on the phone, you fucking faggot.

Bring your little bitch ass up here in person and we'll deal with it that way.

Are you, do you need maxi pads or do you need spark plugs?

Please, I did not get waxed, please.

Okay, well guess what, I did not go in the police.

98.6, I'm out.

Okay, guys, how are you?

Pardon me.

Whatever.

This is the Madhouse Radio show on the internet.

for august 22nd thursday night as usual and uh we're gonna do some prank calls and do some

talkings enjoy the show the weekend is unofficially here i would say this is uh now thursday night

always feels good when it's friday sometimes you wake up you go to work on friday and you're like

oh man i wish i just wish it wasn't friday i wish it was saturday morning saturday morning is

really cool man friday is good enough you made it all right here's milkman he's finally calling

Hey, I got to change my mic, I think.

There we go.

All right, I just started, Milkman.

You weren't answering the phone, or you weren't on Skype either, so I had to start without you.

Sorry.

You just started?

Yeah, we're just starting the intro, yeah.

Do you need MaxiPads, or do you need spark plugs?

Wow, I use tampons.

I was going to say spark plugs is probably the way you should go, man.

Is your pussy so tight that you can use the spark plug?

Holy shit, the Lions, 26, the Patriots, 3.

What the fuck, Milkman?

You sound like shit.

You're making noise.

Stop it.

The hang-up on you, damn it.

Okay, we got a lot of requested pranks that have come in during the week.

We also got some, I believe at least one or two prank calls.

Fuck you, good Andy.

Anyway, so we got at least, I think we have one or two prank calls that we can play that haven't been played before yet.

that i've done on other shows enigma reporting slots are full again in the chat room i apologize

look man i'm getting pissed off because they finally resolved the billing issue which was

on their end not mine it was their problem with the billing uh on the website that they use

for the irc service that we utilize at madhouse they fixed that shit and i put in the upgrade

order and nothing's happened i haven't heard back any emails i paid for it haven't heard

gotten any emails had no phone calls and i've emailed the guy twice and he hasn't responded

back so i don't know as far as i know i paid for an upgrade in the irc slots and they're not putting

the upgrade through and they're not communicating with me anyway so i'm working on it guys i'm sorry

we just gotta bear with it again the video feed on the youtube channel and on the on the web page

We'll be showing the chat room intermittently here so you can see what's going on there

I would recommend you join please if you can but I'm not gonna stress it because

We don't have any room for you. Oh, whatever only 64 of you can chat with us right now

It looks like we got a weird voicemail from two days ago. This might be someone who's angry. Let's take a listen to that

I haven't played this yet

Yeah, here is my number.

I dig my little sucker.

Wow.

You heard that, guys?

He said that I am a what?

A dick sucker who likes to go to Las Vegas and play slot machines.

Wow, man.

He cut me down.

Cut down.

Was that you, Milkman?

Milkman's on mute, but I think that might have just...

I think that was just Milkman playing a joke.

Milkman's silly.

Is that the plow?

That might be the plow guy, Ken.

I think you're right.

Because that was like two weeks ago.

Fucking, that guy's still angry.

He called two days ago.

What the fuck?

Why is he coming at me?

why is he coming at me bro chill out dude i he actually you know what i never played these

voicemails he called back and he's like yeah i put the i put the plow on the truck i'm waiting

for you i'd have to fight yeah here we go yeah this is a guy with a truck uh if you're still

interested my address is 15 g wall street i'll be here all night my phone got shut off i ain't

at the funds right now um so i don't have to tell you you want to come by and see it it's here

street it's off of pine street which is in between and and just before that there's a car thank you

there's a car wall here's another one that he sent that night right after yeah i'm still waiting on

you uh you said you want me to put the file on the truck and all set but i don't know where the

how you are give me a call he sounds drunk he sounds drunk as fuck you heard him uh so i pulled

the plow on the truck and i did later yeah he was definitely drunk in that one i think when i

talked to him originally he was at the bar he must have just kept drinking waiting for me to show up

so he could uh drive in front of me and hillock he was gonna do donuts i think in a school parking

lot for us and tell us that he was wearing a skirt if i remember correctly that's how that

went down yeah so let me compare that voice to this one we'll play this one last time here

i think that's different man we're doing our telephone forensics here i don't think that's

the same dude you want a sick mouth suck my dick motherfucker no sir no thank you unfortunately he

called from a block number so i don't know well let's call plow guy back and ask him let's say

did you are you did you say that i had to suck a dick and why would you say that milkman did you

you fix your shit yet man come on buddy milkman it's been like six minutes still working on it

oh milkman fix your microphone milkman you can join us we get a prank call coming up from the

brent westwood show called b penis dvd prank call that i did thanks to baz for getting that over to

us appreciate it sir your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system available

at the tone please record your message when you have finished recording you may hang up or press

Anyway, heading over to Request a Prank, which is a feature you can use on our madhouselive.com website.

Absolutely free, of course.

Absolutely anonymous, of course.

I will not share your information with anybody under any circumstances, even under duress.

They could waterboard me, and I wouldn't tell anybody who you are.

Because I got your back, man.

Anyway, it's a form.

You can send requests, prank call requests.

Use it.

uh i know brad sent a few numbers here he said directly we got some twitter complainers we've

called these in the past these are pretty funny so basically people get on twitter and you know

i think we had one where uh some woman got on twitter complained about her domino's pizza

i think and i ended up calling her accusing her of having diabetes because she was filipina or

something something like yeah i think the name of the prank is i don't have i don't have a diabetes

madhouse diabetes it's something like that it's there yeah i don't have diabetes well

that's the episode at least back september 29th of 2010 is the last time we did this um anyway this

lady here complained about a new york city service called milkman would totally know about that come

on milkman get your mic working we're talking shit about they're like his arch nemesis because

he's a taxi driver milkman is and they keep taking his fares away milkman calls me all the

time was like that fucking motherfucker look at him look at him and he tried he said he tried to

run run off the road once that he thought about he didn't do it of course but he thought about

didn't know exactly what her problem with them is but her tweets are below at the very least you

can say you're with and you got her email complaint and that you'd be suing her for

slander because of what she said on twitter excellent and apparently she's just upset

about it i take back anything nice i said about i am so horribly disappointed in the service just

to be plain honest okay let's mess with this young lady her name is and she's rude and mean

nasty. Here we go. Yes, hello.

Is this Lindy? Yes, it's her. I'm calling

from Customer Service Complaints

Department. Um, okay. And what

seems to be the issue? You sent an email

here about a bad experience you had?

Yeah, I mean, I sent several

emails. Can you just

read what the problem is? I don't

feel like reading it right now. No, can you just

explain it to me, please? I just came back.

It's 10.30 at night here, so

it's a little bit late for you to call me and

expect me to explain to you

emails you don't feel like reading? You know

know what you're banned you're banned from the service and we're going to sue you for slander

because of this twitter comments that you've been putting online also excuse me everything i said is

absolutely true and in fact you are legally you are legally posting misleading deals telling me

20 off of my first ride that's what it said it said nothing about the type of car it said nothing

about any kind of detail in fact there was no even a link i could click on to read the fine print

There was zero fine print.

Oh, it's there.

That is false advertising and misleading advertising.

It's there.

It's there, young lady.

It's there.

You know what?

Asshole customers just read what they want to read.

Excuse me?

Asshole customers just read what they want to read on the website and in the app.

I'm sorry, who?

This is Bill.

I'm with Customer Service Relations.

And we took a cash version of this.

Because even if you go into your Twitter account and try to delete it, we have the evidence here.

I have no desire to delete it.

Everything was true and happened.

So please, try to sue me for slander.

I'm speaking the truth.

And in fact, you have a lawsuit coming, sir.

I will find every single person who this happened to.

You have the nerve to call me at 10.30 at night and call me an asshole.

I said asshole cussing.

Who are you?

I didn't do it right.

This is also considered phone harassment.

You asked me to call you.

Just so you know.

You have the nerve to tell me you're going to sue me for slander?

You clearly have no legal knowledge.

How is it her accident?

You're in violation of several laws.

Shut up.

You don't know what you're talking about.

Listen, we have so many lawyers.

I am going to sue you for every penny you have.

You're calling me?

Please do.

Please.

I'm going to sue you for every penny you have.

Please.

That's hilarious.

You're calling me from a cell phone?

10.30 at night.

I have business.

I have the nerve to do that.

I'm calling you from my Blackberry, and I got the call that this needs to be taken care of.

I'm on call.

I'm the on-call legal representative here.

You have the nerve to try to tell me you're an on-call legal representative

because then you know better than to have the nerve to call me at 1030 at night

and call me an asshole.

Asshole customer.

That's considered harassment.

Asshole customer.

There's a difference.

It's considered harassment.

A, I would not delete my Twitter feed because it's happened.

it's not slander it's a fact that happened i am well in my right not only reports

that's what twitter is for it is a fact repeated that your car service is lousy that you

misrepresented yourself which is a fact please please try to sue me for slander please what a

bitch please do you gotta hear and now you're calling me a bitch you gotta hear this bitch

Bitch, I've got on the phone right now, Ed.

Excuse me?

Oh, I thought I had you on mute.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, so what?

Listen, if I cared so much about my feelings,

I would work at a teddy bear factory if I was you.

And you're calling me on my cell phone.

That's the information you gave to contact you on your account.

You see what I mean?

To look me.

You see what I mean?

You know, I would see if I need a cell phone so I can look.

I did not see.

me it's in the terms of service you see what i mean you asshole customers

okay that you asked to be called because you had a problem you're pretty

you're pretty dumb you're pretty dumb okay whatever god she's a smart mouth bitch

i don't even fucking know what that's about i sound like a bunch of bullshit if i ever heard

so what keeps stealing your rides and stuff like that at work yeah everybody

Everybody that wants to be a commercial driver and pick up passengers for hire,

pick up passengers, have got to go through all these legal things that have to occur

before you're actually permitted and got a license and then liable to the city and the police

for at any time to be stopped, pulled, checked, and produce these records, produce this document,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and they don't have to go through that.

They just get to come in, pick up customers, and basically, I think it's kind of like the mayor

and the people that are in charge of the government there

have decided, well, you know, we're going to allow this.

Obviously, there's something going on behind the doors, you know.

Right, we all pick up, pay to pick up,

and you've got to wait, and there's procedures.

You don't just drive up.

Those guys just drive up and don't do anything.

They just break all the rules.

You yourself have to pay in order to be able to go to the airport and pick people up.

Oh, yeah.

I've got to pay four bucks to every customer.

Wow, that's crazy.

The city gets that, so that's their cut.

So that's basically their tax.

Oh, that's the airport gets that.

The airport gets that.

The airport's in the business to sell them to customers.

It's illegal to pick up anybody there being solicited.

Hey, you need a ride?

Uh-uh.

You're not allowed to do that.

They catch you, you're busted, man.

You have to go to a porter, and then they allow you to either wait for your transportation

or get in line for the rest of the commercial transportation that's up next to pick you up.

Holy shit.

Ken says now that, I don't know if this is true, but Lions 40 and the Patriots 3 right now,

that's the latest score update from that football game.

i can't believe that shit really is tom brady having trouble is tom brady hurt i can only see

patriots are losing 40 to 3 right now yeah they're hummus man i mean it stands to reason

whatever what's your team the colts you're a colts fan is it are you eating celery again dude

seriously no asshole all right we got more requests of pranks here to get the colts now

i don't give a fuck too much anymore i'm not real big team now these days the ones i like aren't

women we got a twitter complainer though a lady is mad at a dealership uh she reported that the

service at her local dealer's service department is horrible horrible in all caps milkman the

customer service provided by them sucks at best uh yeah very upset this woman her name is big tammy

and let's give her a call and tell her hey big trouble now for you tammy big trouble for you

If you ever bring that back here again, it's going to have all kinds of new problems.

Now, when Brad tried to call it, he did get voicemail, but it didn't work.

It didn't ring.

We'll see if we get a pickup here.

It may not pick up, but you never know.

The last one, though, your phone machine doesn't answer.

Uh-oh.

No answer.

Uh-huh.

Penis is on our computer, man.

The mailbox belonging to...

No answer.

No answer, guys.

That sucks.

Cold number.

We'll continue then.

moving right along exactly my point exactly milk fan let me get back to the numbers here

got windows all over the place boy do i have a confused here we go all right more requested

we got a whole bunch of requested pranks that just came in here random number from the phone

book dj green says a random number in the united kingdom out of the phone book from dj green

whatever i'm sure it's a random number here we go i think you sent the cops or something what do

do you think you sent to call in the uk probably police right sounds stupid it's probably some

office somewhere one more ring hello hello hey how are you buddy how you doing there hello this

is your 5 a.m wake-up call hello okay there you go that was kind of cool he actually picked up

i said one more ring and he picked right up look at that it sets on sometimes milkman that's all

All it takes, man.

Milkman, Sour Diesel.

Sour Diesel, Milkman.

Yeah, that's good shit.

Hey, sir.

That guy has that sour D.

He's too busy to talk to us.

He's like, on the Sour Diesel, sir.

He puts lemons in his diesel.

If he put a little bit more Sour Diesel in there, he'd be back asleep in a couple minutes.

Man, what a problem.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, you're reminding me it's 3.34 a.m., not 5.

Yeah, sorry.

I really should learn that off the top of my head.

Look, we're just calling a little bit early.

We don't want to miss the 5 o'clock call,

so we call up 3 just in case we miss the 5 o'clock call.

Yeah, we want to make sure.

We want to make sure.

Let's call him again.

Maybe we get him to talk a little more.

He picks up each time so far.

It rings for two months.

Too long ringing to get a hold of.

No answer there.

We got two pickups from him, one hello, and that was it.

But still, kind of interesting.

Not bad there.

There, DJ Green, thanks for sending in the request.

At least you had a phone number, right, Milkman?

There you have it.

The two requests before his had no phone numbers.

The two most requested things on any prank call is at least one, the number.

No, phone number helps out.

If not, we're just sitting here talking about a prank call and how funny it would be.

We'll jerk off.

Oh, yeah.

Theoretically speaking.

So apparently DJ Green is really UK Godfather, apparently.

here's a uh number in the uk for a random phone book number again all these numbers are for anyone

with the surname harding so these are people last name harding in the united kingdom my guess is

this is bristol since that's where uh uh uk god for the always has this call are there provinces

there's no provinces in the uk right it's just like you know what i mean it's just the city yeah

Well, they got, well, now they got, there's a different way to divide them.

How do they divide them?

I forget.

Not parishes, but.

Yeah, but no one knows about that shit.

Yeah.

I don't think they're split up into provinces and stuff.

Make their, like, regions.

Northern Ireland and England.

Right, you know, and, like, the Welsh machine.

I'm a little bit stranded, but I can't take a call at the moment, so please give me a message.

You're rather saucy.

Hello?

No answer there.

We will call back again.

Stop eating, pendejo.

You eating cereal?

What are you eating?

I don't know.

What just happened there, dude?

Man, oh, man.

All right, I'm back.

Everything dropped.

Okay, calling that lady back here.

Let's try this again.

Zax reports the UK does have regions.

Oh, shit.

Hello?

Yes, hello.

Oh, the UK has several regions.

Did you know?

Northern Ireland, England, United Kingdom, the Isle of Man, Welsh, Welshia.

Echo.

Oh, la, la, la, la, la.

That's the NSA listening over there, Milkman.

Five in the MIB.

Hello?

Yeah, hello.

Hello?

Yes.

Hello?

Hi.

Do you realize that this is quarter to four in the morning in the UK,

and you're phoning me, and I'm asleep?

I thought it was five o'clock in the morning, and then, yeah, my friend told me.

Oh, poor lady.

All right.

My buddy Noonoo said it's okay.

Yeah.

Well, Noonoo said it's fine.

What's the big problem?

Shit.

I mean, yeah, you don't need any other clearance than that.

Come on.

New News or Queer.

Here's the next one.

Again, last name Harding, no first name, random numbers.

Yep, and up.

Random number out of the phone book, Milkman.

God help us.

Here we go.

J-Boy says Milkman is fingering his cool.

Is that real, Milkman?

Hello?

Yeah, hey, Milkman's fingering his cool.

He's got a finger in his cool, you know?

Hello?

Hi, puppy.

Hello?

Shut the phone off.

We'll keep her on there for a while.

See if she comes back.

Right, Milkman?

Yeah, we'll get a group dog going.

She came back.

She hung up.

Yeah, hey, this is Mr. Kulo.

How are you?

Who?

My name is Mr. Kulo.

Why didn't you go away from the middle of the night in England?

Oh, because we had to remind you about your colonoscopy.

You need to take a shower enema.

Pardon?

Did you take your shower enema?

The doctor said you have to take a shower enema.

No, I'm sorry.

You got the wrong number, my friend.

Do you have one of those shower heads that are connected to the tube?

No, no, we got none of that.

I don't wonder.

No, doctor.

You don't have a shower?

You don't take a shower?

No, you brought the wrong number.

Thank you very much indeed.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

How do you bathe?

He just does sponge baths, Milkman.

They sit in a cesspool riddled with puddles of water.

Sponge bath.

No, under no circumstances.

Hello.

Yeah, do you just do sponge bath then?

Look, hang on.

We're late, all right?

I've got to get up for work.

Will you please go away?

If you answer my question, I'll call him.

Oh, man.

Not into talking.

What's his excuse about work?

What's that have to do with his health problems?

What's it have to do with whether he takes a shower or a sponge bath, dude?

I mean, your hygiene is important.

It's a health issue.

Yeah.

He needs to do a shower and a moment.

Okay.

Jose says, can't join RIC chat.

The RIC chat has been shut down already.

We're not on RIC anymore.

We're on IRC now.

Get it right.

Nunu says, do UK porn.

Fuck the UK porn filter.

Call up his ass.

ask new new what is that fucking obsession i've been hearing this for a month and a half we tried

it didn't work new new come on man stupid it's not working i don't care the people don't even

know what we're talking about i don't care about the how the god damn it he gets obsessed with

these things he won't quit man he'll start flooding the chat next thing you know uk born uk

born at least until one is successful he says i have to do it until one is successful they're

never going to be successful we're going to be here next year and the porn filter is going to

be like completely gone and we're still going to no one's going to give a shit about the porn

filter and we're still going to be trying to get someone to answer okay i got new send that one to

kdk man he'll do it okay we don't need that one it's done the problem is if kdk is doing a show

you send him a number he'll get to like three hours later after you have after everyone's

already tuned down it's bored and it doesn't work out and then he gets upset

set first anyway so i don't know what the hell we're worrying about yeah uk godfather that last

number didn't even ring sir what's the deal send numbers that ring buddy here's the next one in his

list he sent a whole list of them we also have plenty of requested pranks here that were uploaded

by mpsa cobra uh i think they're remnants from the lonesome uh from the lonesome from the brent

westwood show that we can try as well i'm sure lonesome will be here is he here already not yet

Yeah, haven't heard from him yet, but he'll join us shortly.

I'll keep him on.

Yep, yep.

He's having romantic time rings.

Romance.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

Yes, I'm calling from BT.

We're going to be placing a porn filter on your service.

An adult filter.

Yay!

Shit.

Oh!

What is this noise?

It sounded like an organ at the end there.

You heard it?

No, that was weird, dude.

That'd be awesome.

What the fuck was that?

At the end of every time you call the UK.

at the end of every call played an organ hello yeah the porn filter we're turning it on you can't

look at pp anymore who are you i'm from british telephone machine bt well you've got the wrong

number no this is harding do you know what it is it sounds like a funeral god it sounds like

the inside of a b2 bomber or something man what the hell is that holy shit dude i was getting

scared man i thought i was going into a trance wow man that's trippy that was heavy man you

You play that and blast it.

Panthers beat the Ravens.

We ought to record that and go back later and sample that,

and then we'll use that at the end of all our calls.

Carolina Panthers beat the Ravens by seven points, 34-27,

the defending champion, the Ravens.

Interesting.

What's this world come into?

Long-time collector wanting to purchase some comic book collections

and comic book-related toys.

toys he'll buy any marvel or dc title with 10 12 15 20 and 25 cent cover prices from 1977 and older

all right including batman incredible hulk green lantern amazing spider-man flash x-men etc etc

he's got a whole bunch of them he's a fucking nerd anyway charles bond here who's looking to

buy some old comic books i'm gonna tell him i've got them but they're digital you know you all got

I'm telling them that you got the gay editions of them.

I got a thumb drive, yo.

I got, like, all Supermans.

Hello, Maddie.

Hello.

Hey, what's up, yo?

This is Eddie.

Eddie Garcia.

Yo, you was looking for, like, comic books?

Yeah, that's my husband's, Addy.

He's already in the bed.

Oh, wait.

Come on, man.

I got, like, I got all these Supermans.

Hang on just a second.

All right, honey.

Hello?

What's the holdup there, buddy?

Were you sleeping?

No, not yet.

Who are you, buddy?

Oh, this is Eddie, yo.

What's up?

I got the wrong character.

What the fuck?

He doesn't talk to Puerto Ricans, Milkman.

You heard that?

Damn, you don't like that at all, Eddie.

You have reached 357-319-

Holy shit.

I don't talk to Puerto Ricans.

No, I blocked your number, Eddie.

Damn.

You have reached 357-

You're not racist.

Not at all.

So there was-

I said, they don't sound racist at all.

357.

We're not racist.

They have a decent kid.

it yeah milkman a tweet uh twitter update here from the girl we called about uh she just tweeted

a few moments ago 20 minutes ago uh quote so apparently uber nyc's version of having someone

on their support team call me from their cell phone and call me a bitch that's her words not

mine i guess she meant is to call me from their cell phone and call me a bitch also no she wants

people to call her on her cell phone and call her a bitch bye man that's what that's all about

shit seven minutes ago then she posted her latest which says what a disgusting abusive personal info

and then to have the nerve to tell me i'm being slanderous facts are not slander milkman that's

what she says she is totally wrong about that she really does think it's how stupid is she yeah the

A guy called and called her an asshole customer and a bitch.

Dude, this is brilliant, brilliant, man.

The fifth column at work again.

All right, we'll call her back.

Why not?

She said she was going to call a police machine, which makes me worried, you know?

But whatever.

Well, then maybe better not.

Just maybe better text her.

I'll do what I want, Muffman, okay?

That's right, Eddie.

I'll do what I want.

Trying to find her number here.

Did we call one?

She didn't answer, I don't think.

All right, here it is.

Sick Jack Masterson on her.

No.

Hello, you've reached Dr. I'm unable to come to the phone right now.

Not answering. We'll try one more time.

Hello, you've reached Dr. I'm unable to come to the phone right now.

No answer.

So what the hell kind of name is that, man?

She shouldn't have profanity on her.

Yeah, why did she get subset when it said she was an asshole customer?

And the asshole hired her.

Yep, know what I mean?

Okay.

Continuing on, moving right along with further prank calls here.

Lonesome Loser is checking in.

in the chat room he just logged in man baby hey buddy and he sent in his first number for

taking big pizza let's ask for some spaces milkman yeah everyone loves spaces yeah man

it's a machine burger spaces machine burger spaces yeah i wanted some machine burger spaces please

sorry machine burger spaces um we're a pizza place yeah do you have pizza do you have burgers

Oh, sorry, just pizza.

Just pizza?

I want pizza spaces then.

Pizza what?

Spaces.

Can I ask what that is?

Spaces machine.

The pizza machine comes out.

You turn on the pizza machine and it goes in and you have pizza spaces.

No, we don't have those.

Space pizza?

No, we are take and bake.

You do shake and bake?

No, we're take and bake.

So, like, we make the pizza and then you take it home and cook it.

Really?

Yeah.

I have to cook it myself?

Yes.

How many spaces does that take?

Like the pieces?

How many spaces, yeah.

I'm not sure, because you cut it yourself, and it feeds like three to four people for a large.

Well, that's slices and pieces. I mean spaces.

I'm not sure what you mean about spaces.

It occupies a space. All matter occupies a space and time.

It takes up about 14 inches.

No, no, that's the size.

Is there a man I can talk to that might understand?

Um, yeah, sorry.

Let me see if my supervisor will understand.

It's not a woman, your supervisor, right?

It's a man?

No, it's a woman.

That's a problem.

Are there any men I can talk to?

Because you women aren't going to understand.

You're like animals, you know?

Um, uh, Michael?

Um, yeah, we don't have any...

Yeah, put Michael on the phone.

Shut up and put Michael on the phone.

Sorry, um...

I said, can you shut up, please?

Okay, and can I talk to Michael?

I was calling to talk to Michael.

Shut up, please.

I'm Michael's friend.

Hang on.

I'm Michael's friend, and he told me to call you.

Hello?

Hang on.

Sorry.

No, I don't want to talk to him.

Listen, I'm Michael's friend, and he's told me to call you to play a practical joke.

He's playing a practical joke.

On you.

Michael told me to do it.

Hey, listen.

Michael thinks you have a nice ass.

You have a nice asshole, he said.

you have a nice little asshole who is this that's michael's friend this is artie and he told me to

call and tell her that michael likes her that michael thinks she has a nice little ass

no seriously how do i how would i know about michael then tell me because you are a teenage

boy and you guys make prank jokes all the time oh don't tell my mom okay oh okay because you're

okay but michael really told me to do that yeah well i think you're lying i don't think i'm lying

i know i'm not lying you little hussy oh wow let's not get mean you little shit you stupid woman

that doesn't know how to drive a car i think you're a little high or you just yeah oh jealous

jealous no i'm 15 and i have hundreds of dollars i got all this i don't care i got i got a base

my caddy's got bass

I got an old caddy

that's got bass

I play Tupac

I drive down

and I play Tupac

and all the girls listen

I fuck all these

I don't care

I'm not interested

I fuck all these broads

I put a mattress

in the back of my caddy

and I call it

the panty dropper

yeah well how about

we be appropriate

and not talk to people

this way okay

sex

we need to be appropriate

and grow up

labia

sex

clitoris

vagina

vaginal opening

okay well you have

a good night

and you enjoy your prank calls, okay?

Hopefully you do not get a phone call

from the police officers.

Penises, you know, ejaculation.

Write it down, write it down.

Get the ID number.

Oh, yeah.

Please don't call back.

I blocked the number anyway.

You can't see it.

Well, it's okay because

we have tracking devices here

so we're not stupid.

I don't know what you're writing down

but you sure don't have my number

because I blocked it.

Oh, okay.

Star 6-5 is the walk-on number.

Oh, well, that's good because we can get around it.

Sure you can.

I'm sure the pizza machine has all the connections to get around it

because they're a secret facility like an FBI building, right?

That's right up there with FBI building, military complex, White House, pizza, pizza place.

Yeah, they got the way.

They get around.

They got Tracer.

What's your model?

Do you have a Toshiba Tracer?

Huh?

I've got an Adaptec reverse tracer, so it blocks your traces.

Yellow.

We're on mute now, Milkman.

Milkman, we're on mute, buddy.

We'll keep them on.

Keep them on, and we'll call someone else.

Hey, stupid, how are you?

Yeah, how you doing, stupid?

Good evening.

I'm calling from British Telephone and the porno filter.

She's got worst idea ever, Nunu.

Pizza place, you're going to say something?

What's going on?

You got us on speakerphone there.

We can hear you in the background walking around.

Don't be stupid.

Whatever.

All right.

I'll keep going.

Lonesome loser sending in a number here for pizza.

Pizza.

Look, if you're going to listen, at least say something.

Don't be rude.

I hear you got the phone in your hand, you stupid.

It's probably that woman.

Well, that place is a shit.

Are you going to talk, please?

Are you just going to sit there and keep listening?

Okay, stupid.

We're going to call someone else.

A different pizza place in town because you're a shit.

Yeah, is that Noble Roman's Pizza?

Do we have it?

Are you Noble Roman's Pizza?

big guy yeah we have it here yeah hey you know you know that place if he's taking big pizza

they're they're a shit they're so mean to me and rude really yeah have you ever been there before

not for a long time they make you cook the pizza and everything and they call me an asshole because

i didn't know that about the pizza he called me an asshole no way yeah so do you have the pizza

that you take home and you bake it yourself or you make it for you oh we make for you see that's

That's the way to do it, right?

That's like, that's been the way to do it, you know, ever since forever.

Sure.

Yeah, that's you, you pay, I pay so that you can make it nice and hot and crispy, you know?

Yeah.

That's bullshit.

Hey, you like bowling?

Do I like bowling?

Yeah.

Yeah, I like it.

I like to smoke cigarettes in the bowling alley.

Do they let you do that anymore?

I don't think so, right?

No, we don't.

That sucks, man.

I used to smoke cigarettes in the bowling alley when I was a teenager.

I used to smoke cigarettes at the bowling alley.

I played Mortal Kombat.

Yeah, I've been playing Mortal Kombat, Virtual Fighter, Virtual Cop, Super Street Fighter, you know.

Good games.

Mortal Kombat 2, Mortal Kombat 3, Killer Inkstick.

Remember them games back in the day, back of the bro bowl?

Yeah.

Good games, dude.

Hell yeah, man.

You know, Capcom versus Street Fighter.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

It was good stuff, man.

I mean, Marvel versus Street Fighter.

All right, Capcom versus Street Fighter.

Yeah.

All right, buddy.

Hey, you take care, man.

All right, you too.

All right, man.

Peace.

Peace on the streets.

All right, I'm going to take a break because talking about food has me thinking about my piece of chicken that I got left over.

I'm going to go eat that, motherfucker, and we're going to play some about two prank calls here real quick.

Mastated sandwich.

Yes.

You never stop talking about that.

uh b-penis dvd which i talked about earlier i will play that first and then we're going to go

into some tradial calls here uh and i'll be right back give me about five minutes please

you take a mandatory station break b-penis dvd just a moment hello hey buddy how are you

i i see you got some dvds for sale for kids kid dvds what all right stupid hello hey how are you

sweetie honey baby thank you oh so you're good or thank you what do you mean hi thank you stupid

do you have some dvds for sale the cartoons all right yeah i see some of the titles here are very

rare it's good titles i like to go through um the cartoons because the artists they like to sneak in

little pornography things like little like little frames that have dirty uh pictures and stuff like

that in the cartoon sometimes yeah but I'm looking at the one here it's called

Mickey what's it called Mickey Mickey the Bell yeah well I'm looking online

and there's two scenes here where if you pause it at the right time you can you

can see the bees penis showing they snuck it in there like a little scene

like really quick if you pause it these are DVDs right there they're digital

all they're not VHS all right can you put the DVD in and I'll tell you where

to pause it at and if it's if this is the version that has the penis in it

then I want to offer you about $50 for it well I'll pay you I'll pay you $50

just for this one here you see but and if you can put it in the DVD player and

I'll tell you where to pause it at you need a positive 13 minutes and 12

12 seconds. And the French artist, the French man who drew the cartoons, he put one scene

where you can see a big penis inside. The bee has a big penis. No, the person who drew

the cartoon was perverted. He was a perverted French man who was smoking a cigarette. And

he thought it would be a funny idea to draw a penis in for one little frame. And because

of that, this is a very rare item. It's very famous.

Okay, Jake, I'll call you back.

I have your phone number.

He did it because he wanted to make all the French children,

all the French boys turn into gays, homosexuals.

So he snuck in, like, penises and stuff in his cartoons all the time.

You understand?

Status?

She's going to call us back.

She hung up.

She's going to check and call back.

She's looking for the penis right now.

She's going to go masturbate to the bee penis.

Little bee penis.

Hey, folks, and a very pleasant Tuesday.

Houston, welcome to Tradio, where we buy, sell, trade, and give away on a non-commercial basis.

Let's wheel and deal, and call the number one.

Welcome to the Tradio Show.

Hi, how are you?

I'm doing well, sir. I hope you are.

I'm doing very well, thank you very much.

My name is Jack Devaney, and I inherited this from my great-great-grandfather.

It was from WWII.

It's a jar containing several gold teeth from Auschwitz.

I don't have the valuable gold teeth.

I know it was picked out of one of the prisons in the camps,

and it's about 7, 8 teeth, about 11 ounces of gold Jewish teeth from Auschwitz.

Okay.

And it's authentic.

It comes with a certificate of authenticity.

There's a picture of my great-grandfather in front of the camps holding the jar.

Okay.

I figure we get maybe $75 to $100 for it.

Okay.

My uncle also used to work in a medical lab.

It's a used urine cup from Miltonboro, and it comes with a certificate of authenticity,

and it still has some used urine left in the cup, and we want $1,500 for that.

Okay, sir, how can we reach you, please?

You can reach me on my work line at 16922 Wine, W-I-N-E.

I'm in the liquor business.

Okay, thank you for your call.

Okay, caller number five, welcome to the Tradio Show.

Hi, good afternoon, sir.

Yes, sir.

Hi.

How are you doing today?

Well, what can I do for you?

Well, I got three items to sell.

Okay.

My grandson...

Hold on one second.

I wrote them down here.

My grandson's selling...

He's selling a motorcycle.

Hello?

Yes.

Hi.

Hold on.

I got them written down here.

I'm sorry.

Hey, he's selling a motorcycle.

Mm-hmm.

I'm trying to find what year it is here.

Hold on.

2738, if you'd like to be on the radio call today.

Go ahead, sir.

Oh, hi.

I'm sorry.

It's a motorcycle.

Okay.

For my grandson.

Okay.

I'm looking and scrambling here for the year.

I'm sorry.

My place is a mess.

Okay.

You want to call us back when you get all your information?

Oh, here it is.

Okay.

1973.

All right.

Good, good.

Okay.

Motorcycle.

All right.

What else do you have for us?

200.

And I got a hair dryer that I want to sell.

Okay.

And hold on.

I got the box over here with all the information.

Hold on.

Okay, sir.

And I'm looking for the...

All right.

Two seven...

Excuse me, sir.

Two seven...

If you'd like to be on the radio show today.

Go ahead, sir.

And what was your third item, please?

The third?

Uh-huh.

The walker that I used to use.

Okay.

I don't need to use it anymore. I got an operation.

Can we reach you today, sir?

I'm sorry, this is...

A man named Walker.

Okay, we'll be back after the break with more of your Tradio.

Well, good afternoon and welcome back to Tradio.

That is, if you have anything you'd like to buy, sell, or trade, it's just simply...

Yeah, guys, Tradio. Let's play one more random Tradio call just because I feel like listening to this.

It's a dirty joke that I have to...

Oh, there you go.

Say.

I'm not going to repeat it.

Is it ugly?

Yeah.

But illegible.

It was probably written.

I told him after I said it, I was like, what the hell?

You got it all wrong.

But it was funny.

I did just have to say that.

I'm Paula Vinay, again, filling in for the vacationing Paul Oak.

Good morning, you're on the radio.

Paul, how are you?

Good morning, how are you?

Hi, what do you got to do, Paul?

How was your weekend, Paul?

We're going to squeeze in one quick phone call

Good morning, it's you

Good morning, five-piece drum set from Yamaha

I'm going to take $150 with that

Does it include the hardware?

Drum set for $150, okay

Five, yes, five-piece drum set from Yamaha

I have some other instruments

I have one rusty trombone by Blumpkin

It's going to do it for Tradio today

Thank you for listening

And we'll be back with more of your phone calls tomorrow

Tomorrow.

It's radio.

All right.

Good one.

I enjoyed it.

Thank you.

It wasn't your best, but I liked it.

We're working hard back there.

It is a fun room.

You're right.

Give us a call and tell us what you like to eat for breakfast, and maybe you'll win.

Yeah, we ought to run our contest like that.

Our contests are too hard.

I just realized that.

Our games are too tough.

We can't do stuff.

Yeah, but you give away a lot better prizes than breakfast.

Right.

All right.

Well, thank you, Richard.

Thank you.

Thank you for doing that, and we hope South feels better.

Do-do-do, do-do-do-do, we got to play.

Do-do-do, do-do.

All right, I am back.

And more prank calls here on Madhouse Radio.

Thank you.

Milkman is here.

Good audio finally for a change.

Good.

Oh.

About time.

Irachito.

Hey, man, what the heck's happening to Jack Masterson?

I've been missing him, and I just wonder how he's doing these days.

He's got health problems, man.

Oh, man, I think we ought to bring him out and dust him off.

I think he'll bring him back to life, dude.

I think it's a cure him.

Yeah.

All right.

Let's take a look at Request a Prank here real quick, see what we got cooking over there right now.

All right, we got quite a few of them, actually.

Starting off here with Big Ken, who sent in a number.

Three ladies, 19, 19, and 21 is their ages, looking for a roommate to share one of the rooms.

They mentioned dance parties that they want to have there also.

Dance party, yeah.

It's my dance party song, anyway.

If I had a dance party at my house, I'd play this on a loop.

We'd all dance.

Fire, fire, fire.

Look, man, you'd be there, too.

I'd invite you.

You could come and dance to the song.

Oh, yeah.

I'd pay good money to see you dance in milk, man.

I'd love to see that.

Yeah, you're looking for roommates for dance parties?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I like dance.

Yeah, I like to dance.

Look at the girls dancing, and I dance, too.

What?

Have you ever heard that song, Fire?

It's like fire.

Uh-uh.

Uh, you're gonna dance.

Uh, uh, uh, uh.

Right.

Yeah.

Hey, can I get you to call back?

No, you're not gonna call back.

Can I get you to call back?

I'm in the middle of something.

Are you really gonna call back?

Like, tomorrow.

I have to go.

Would that be cool?

Are you fucking?

What are you doing?

All right.

Thanks.

I'll get you to call tomorrow.

All right.

Bye.

I didn't say that.

I don't wanna talk to her anymore.

She sounds cunty.

I don't want to talk to her anymore.

Ew.

Guys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good, good, good, good.

Anyway, that's it.

All right.

range of range of range of range accurate age okay uh ghost sent in a requested prank also

there's a few from ken i think no just one oh no there's more uh but ghost sent in uh

brianna asked her to do an interview for a newspaper asked some silly questions about

anything okay is she expecting a call from a newspaper i don't understand all right whatever

we'll call big brianna here and see what's up with her maybe there's something to this

This is Brianna of yours.

Hello?

Hey, how you doing, honey?

Who is this?

Is this Brianna?

Who?

Is this Brianna?

Am I talking to Brianna?

No.

Where's Brianna at?

Brianna, who is this?

This is Eddie.

I want to talk to Brianna.

Who's Eddie?

Oh, I was behind you in the car the other day.

And then I went to the DMV.

And you pay $5.

so you can find out the license plate, who it is, and the number and all that.

So I thought I'd give you a call and say what's up.

Um, I think you have the wrong number, weirdo.

No, it's Brianna, right?

It's sitting here in the paper.

I printed it out and everything online.

You paid $5.

You're such a liar.

Please, please talk to me.

Oh, no, please.

I only have my own car.

You don't have a car?

You have a bicycle?

No, no.

Oh, what do you do?

You just suck dick to get rides?

Pretty much.

You suck dicks.

Okay.

Cool, Brianna.

Bye.

You're pronouncing my name wrong, but I mean it.

Brianna?

Is it Brian A?

Are you, like, retarded?

No.

I have epilepsy.

I get epileptic things, yeah.

And after I have an epileptic seizure, I kind of, I'm slow for a few days.

Who is this?

It's Eddie.

Who's Eddie?

Eddie.

I am Eddie.

You're a liar.

All right.

I was just trying to holler at you, but whatever.

I mean, the way you say it.

so how do you say your name then brianna no brianna what do you say brianna oh wow that's

cool how how old are you you're like 19 or something right 50 you're 50 wow hey milkman

she's 50 she's for you i got an old bed on here also his name is milkman he likes tits what are

you talking about he likes tits milkman likes tits you know milkman he's my friend milkman

yeah he likes tits who milkman he's on here right now he's listening he doesn't want to talk because

he's nervous he likes you who's this man milkman we call him milkman i don't even know what his

real name is he's just the milkman because he likes tits so much we call him the milkman

i'm calling him real quick i'm gonna put him on thank you for calling i may help you yeah i've

got brianna here on the phone with me and she's she wants to come down there she said and she's

gonna suck dicks inside the theater okay say that again sir i'm sorry i got brianna on the phone

with me and she said she was down there and she was sucking a dick or something and i wanted to

make sure if it happened or not because i'm her boyfriend and okay sir i don't know what to tell

you does someone get in trouble there for uh having a sex having sex there i don't know sir

you need to speak to a manager let me put you on hold for one moment all right honey hey you see

you're in big trouble brianna hey well i'm not hanging up now no don't go this is about you

don't go it's about you brian a right she stayed on for that this is carly how may i help you hey

carlos how are you i'm good uh that's good hey my name is carlos too that's really cool that's cool

um do you know brianna was she a girl named brianna was there and she got caught with another

other boy like giving him a special kiss she's my girlfriend did that really happen because if so

i'm gonna so break up with her and tell everyone at school on monday uh i don't know about any

special kisses or anything that anyone was like you know a blow job you know was that going on

there and someone got caught and kicked out uh i have not heard anything like that sir when was

the last time that happened was it has been a while i have not caught anyone giving anyone a

a blowjob here oh wow really really so you you've got like a policy where it's cool to do that kind

of thing i guess or oh we do not have a policy but i've gotten used for you people are getting

hand jobs and blowjobs all the time there okay we'll make sure to make sure it's not happening

like what you do is you go to a movie that not a lot of people are watching and you go in the

matinee and then you yeah you know you sit in the back so no one sees you you know you start out

the movie you put your hand on her lap you know just go from there i really don't need any details

i got the moves i know how to do it yeah and the whole popcorn but you know people say you put a

hole in the bottom of popcorn that's stupid that doesn't it doesn't work it doesn't work you get

popcorn all over the place it feels good though it's warm more nice warm popcorn it's like a

popcorn i'm sorry sir i can't really help you with anything because i haven't heard any people

getting caught um if you need any information like about movie times or anything i could be

i'm more than willing to help you but unfortunately i don't know oh anything yeah yeah what what's

what you got coming out friday what's coming what's the big one this week uh we've got your

next and uh this and blue jess those all suck right i guess summer summer movies are over huh

uh summer movies are pretty much over yet that sucks man yeah yeah yeah so yeah now is a good

time so i can come down there and get a hand job you know from a girl because not a lot of people

up until like thanksgiving not a lot of people coming in right would you say that's the best

time to come down because it's slower slow season i would not recommend coming into the theater to

get a hand job at all when is when is the slow season there we're never really that slow we're

actually the busiest theater in the area yeah but there's a point where it's slower than normal

right during the week anytime during the week so that's tell you to come here and get a blow job

or a handjob, so I need you to

not come in and do that. I just want to

come in when it's not a lot of people there.

That's all. With my girlfriend. So, you

said during the week, anytime, like as

early. When are your earliest showings?

Do you have any, like, 11 o'clock ones?

No, we don't. We open around 11.

Around 11? Alright. Yeah, that's

cool. That's cool. Right around lunchtime,

you know? A little bit.

Yeah. Alright, well, thanks for the information.

We're going to stop by probably

next week. Alright.

Alright. I'll see you there.

Okay.

Bye, hon.

All right, there you go.

That's the lowdown on the blowjobs and handjobs in the movie theater, Milkman.

She didn't sound the blowjobs, man, but I think she'd get worked up thinking about it, man.

She actually said blowjobs.

I was pretty hot when she said that.

Okay, guys.

Another prank call here.

Lonesome sending in Five Guys.

Might have talked to one recently, right?

About all-you-can-eat french fries or something?

I had to pull that one out of my ass.

We'll see how this does.

That's a cover of an ACDC song.

Hey, man.

Hello?

Hey, man.

Hey.

Hey, man.

You guys have the Coca-Cola Freestyle Machine there?

The what?

Do you have a Coca-Cola Freestyle Machine?

Freestyle Machine?

Yeah, man.

No, we don't have a Freestyle Machine yet.

Do you know what that is?

Are you a man or a woman?

I'm a man.

Oh, is there a different man I can talk to?

I'm the one in charge.

Straight man.

You're the one in charge.

Okay.

You don't have like a Coke machine that you can do a touchscreen and you got all this

shit on it, all this shit to drink?

Yeah, I got a Coke machine.

Yeah, but how much shit do you have to drink?

how many different ones we have like 16 sounds yeah 15 16 16 that's a lot yeah but you know the

freestyle machine has like over 100 combinations you can make yeah we don't have any of those

machines why not i was in philly and they had one like that though why yeah they don't have any i

don't think they have any of those fountain machines in utah actually i think those are all

over east in virginia wow wow do you have the burger machine the what hamburger machine we

We don't have a hamburger machine.

We cook everything ourselves.

Do you have hamburger spaces?

What do you mean?

How many spaces are in a hamburger?

Yeah, how many spaces go in the bag?

I don't think I understand your question.

I want to make sure your sister washes her hands before she gives me a handjob

so I don't get chili on my pee-pee.

We don't have any chili.

Okay, cool.

All right, awesome.

Thank you.

We don't have any chili.

He was into the handjob with the spaces sister, though.

Yeah, we don't have any chili.

That guy is curious.

he's just like oh that was his way out of that one well we don't have any chili never mind the

fact that i asked for a handjob from his sister he was like well we don't have any chili i guess

we can't do that for you so yeah oh good gracious that's the best i could do with a burger joint

i'm not feeling burger joints right now well send in jack next time dude get out talk to

mr magic marker their highlighter and see what he can pull out man i don't like that at all i

You're getting dusty.

I don't like Jack Masterson.

It's boring.

What happened to your attack, man?

Attack with Jim Jack is going pretty good.

And poor...

Help, though, man.

There's a hooker on Backpage.

Man, you know.

We're supposed to tell her we're a slave owner.

We have a slave owner fetish.

And I want to dress her up like Uncle Sanders and make her beg for chicken.

What?

She happens to be black, it says here in the Backpage app.

Aren't all these cops anyway?

I don't know.

All right, we'll try.

What the hell?

So, Milkman, we're going to call a black hooker and tell her that...

Nautica.

Nautica, yep.

And we're going to tell her that we have a fetish, a slave fetish,

and we want her to beg for chicken.

Awesome.

There you go, man.

Tell her you'll give her a watermelon for dessert.

Milkman, don't say that.

What are you going to say, old master?

I want you to say, master, please give me some chickens.

Sambo.

You're dressed like Sambo, right?

Yeah.

They got a restaurant called Sambo's, man.

man. You know that? Not anymore.

You had a dog named Sambo, you racist

fag. I'm sorry.

Well, it was my dad's idea, man.

He was a good dog. Your dad was racist.

Yeah, but it was a good dog.

Sambo was a good kid, man.

A half-Japanese kid, but... He was a good dog, man.

Sambo. Hello? Yes.

Hello. I was

calling because I have,

you know, a fetish. I was wondering

if you'd be able to help out with that.

What's your fetish? I have a slave

owner fetish. Slave owner

Yeah, like, I wanted to dress you up like Colonel Sanders, and, like, maybe have, like, a rope around your neck.

Maybe I'd like to have, like, a rope around your neck, and then you could...

I have a fake whip. I can whip you. It doesn't hurt. It's a Nerf whip.

Oh, can we pretend your hands are... Like, can you just put your hands together like they're bound, but they're not?

you know what i mean like hold them together like i'll come in i'll come in and like look here

mizzy i'm gonna have my way with you i'm the slave owner and you're gonna be like no massa

please no no you know can you say massa please give me some chicken can you say that can you

say massa please give me some chickens some chickens chickens with an s at the end massa

NASA, please give me some chickens.

Some chickens?

Yes.

The chicken was the deal breaker.

Milkman had it been, I don't know.

I think if you just said cock instead.

NASA, can you please give me some chickens?

All right, the animal.

The danimal sent that in.

Danimal, big danimal.

All right, good deal.

That's probably a cop we talked to, but fun.

on but uh bob has a 1996 collector's edition corvette tell him you're interested and give

him the run around this is from big porch monkey okay porch monkey then we have a problem with

porch monkey's calls request to pranks last time around i don't know porch monkey i think you did

something recently i got some bonehead numbers weren't they you are i think they were good i

don't know i think you know yeah he sent in one that i i presume was going to be a bonehead number

and it was actually good.

I think that's what happened.

Okay.

All right, then.

Hello?

Hey, how are you, honey?

How you doing?

Hello?

Yeah.

Is Bob there, damn it?

Sure, hold on.

All right, damn it.

Hello?

Bob, how you doing there, damn it?

What do you mean?

How are you, damn it?

How you doing, god damn it?

Good to talk to you.

Yeah.

Yeah, listen, you got that 96 Collector's Corvette piece of shit?

Yeah.

Yeah, I wanted to fucking see if I could buy that shit off of you.

How much you asking for that motherfucking shit?

Uh, 10 grand?

$10,000 for that motherfucker?

Good deal.

And you got a good record on it?

Like, did you get oil changed?

Did you change the oils yourself, motherfucker?

Yeah, everything's perfect.

God damn it.

Hell yeah, motherfucker.

What kind of, does it make any noise out of the shit?

No.

Where are you calling from?

Oh, I'm calling from my cell phone.

I'm here in Bloomfield.

Oh.

I'm new in town.

I need a fucking car, god damn it, you know?

Yeah.

I need a goddamn fucking car, so I wanted to come pick that shit up from you, see if

it's any good.

you let me try it test drive that son of a bitch uh you can test drive it with me yeah you get in

the car with me getting the seat next to me motherfucker and we drive around and shit i

put that motherfucker up you know is you gotta is the governor you take the governor out of that

motherfucker or what's it got going on as far as governor it's got a switch on it you could turn

off the governor motherfucker right fuck yeah so i could put that switch down take a nice

open it up right on the road man what's what's what's the highest you ever open up that

motherfucker on the highway what's the fastest you ever gone i i i don't go that fast 90 you

ever go 110 you ever open her up no never i'm gonna have to do that i'm gonna have to open

that motherfucker up up to like 110 see how it handles it you know you think she handled it you

think that shit that bitch will handle it all right i know it will fuck yeah right right all

All right, so we'll take a ride.

You sit down next to me, you know, and I'll put my hand on your lap.

We'll play chicken, you know.

Yeah.

I'll put my hand on the lap, and I'll rub your leg.

Why don't you call back this weekend?

Yeah, I'll rub your leg, you know, and I'll make you nice and hard down there.

Yeah, all right.

Make your member hard, and I'll grab it through your pants.

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah, gay call.

We'll call him back, right?

No, Ben?

Why not?

I think he's sounding pretty hot, dude.

I think he's waiting for you to call him right back.

Motherfucker.

Yeah, baby.

Hey, I guess we got cut off.

Hey, I'm in bed, man.

Oh, are you jerking off?

Yeah, right.

What about your wife?

What's she doing?

Why don't you call back another time, huh?

How's your wife?

She has nice tits.

Dude.

Yeah, I guess we got cut off.

It must be a dude, man.

She ain't got a tits.

What's his name?

Anonymous.

Annie?

Hello, no one is available to take your call.

Please leave a message after the tone.

Crack it, crack it.

Too late.

That wasn't a real one, was it?

No, it was an answer machine.

i might have been able to i never can i never can you know i never can get it right let's move on

here what time is it 11 30 that's still pretty early i had a feeling well i started just about

right on time today maybe that's why hey see how much longer i can go i'm starting to get bored

all right the uk let's do some restaurant calls man let's do some restaurant calls we haven't

done any for a while you know some indian calls motherfucker yeah let's do one or two of those

Oh, it gets pretty spicy.

I mean, yeah, you got to pass that at least once in another language.

Okay.

Here are some Indians.

Hello.

Yes, hello.

Is this the Patel?

Yeah, speaking.

Yeah, Mike.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, listen.

I have to say that you people smell really bad, okay?

I don't know if it's the things you eat.

That was their house I was calling.

Shit, man.

Man, I could have lost that one, but I don't know.

Maybe you could probably redial quickly.

Hello?

Patel.

Dr. Patel.

How do you do, Dr. Patel?

Not well, man.

Not well at all.

I don't know, man.

She seemed to smell all right, though.

Brad.

I don't really have any reason to disconnect.

She seemed to smell all right, dude.

Yeah, I guess so.

Let me see.

I want to check to see if this lady on Twitter who was complaining about Uber.

You people.

I want to pull up her Twitter account, see if she's tweeted anything else in the last hour.

Yeah, dude, my computer is freezing up, man.

Holy shit.

It's turning into a piece of shit here.

You need to reformat, re-image.

Definitely re-image mine, dude.

It made a big improvement.

I re-imaged this one a while ago.

Well, not a while ago.

Not too long ago, rather.

Spice of Life Indian Restaurant.

Let's give that a shot here.

Fire.

This is in Australia.

Always a fun time.

Hello.

Hey.

How are you?

Good, thanks.

Oh, good.

How are you, man?

Hey, do you have any women that work there?

Sorry?

Do you have women working there?

No, no, no.

You only have men?

Yep.

No women at all?

Can you call your sister?

You know?

Don't hang up.

Oh, come on.

That was bad.

That was bad on my end.

That was a bad idea.

Dude, I don't know.

This computer's freezing up, man.

Huh.

Okay.

Here's a vegetarian food place for Indians.

indians who are just vegetarians excellent that's true milkman what's your status how do i sound

there i sound all right right microphone and all that shit yeah great great milton great moving

right along annapolis home catering indian food all right let's try it now we lost milkman milkman

dropped out i will recall him while i call this annapolis home catering thing hello yes hello i'm

I'm calling to make an order, but I had a question first, please.

Pardon?

When you do the Indian catering food...

Yes, I do, yes.

Do you provide staff to give services out also, the food?

No, this is home catering, so I'm the only one who's doing,

and if you need any outdoor services, I would be coming personally to do it.

Okay, so you can come, and I want to make sure that you wash your hands, you know.

May I know who's calling?

This is Eddie.

Okay, and where are you calling from?

From the store.

I wanted to make, the office.

I wanted to make sure that you wash your hands before you give the hand jobs when you come down.

Oh, okay, okay.

So you don't get hot chili pepper on my penis, you know?

Hello?

Because that could burn.

That could burn, you know?

It burns.

You know how hot the chili powder, it burns when you touch your private parts, you know?

What nonsense are you talking?

Well, I want to make sure you wash your hands when you come to do the catering

so that if you touch anyone's private parts.

What nonsense are you talking?

I don't know, lady.

I don't know what nonsense I'm talking.

Hi, you reached Roger and Luther.

You know the way.

Hello.

Hi, you're listening to my home catering.

Stupid.

You know what to do right now.

Please leave a shot in the dish.

Yeah, I can't ever get into those anymore, Milkman.

Milkman's back.

Good.

The shit's going down, man, with this lady.

She's posting a lot on Twitter.

Uh, she's still going.

Damn.

She is quite the upset milkman.

I don't know.

Maybe this was a mistake.

I need to call her back.

Call her back.

I want to call her.

She has her own website, dude.

What does she do?

Let me look at her website.

Hang on.

Maybe you need to point out a filter for that.

Yeah, maybe.

Right.

Maybe.

So you think it's one of those, a dirty website milkman?

Could be, dude.

Could be.

She might be having a damn drive around between her crotch.

Yeah.

Yeah, she says the really scary shit is that some employee just went and got my phone number

and felt it was okay to call me, apparently.

That's what she's saying.

You ought to tell her next time that she's trying to get you in trouble.

She better cut that shit out.

But you're the dude, right?

She also says that she's been up since 4 o'clock in the morning

and this isn't what she needs to be dealing with at this time of night.

She's been doing lines of meth all night, man.

Not my problem, Milkman.

Not yours either, right?

It's her problem.

Okay.

let's continue going i think you need to do another line of math you should call up and

defend your defend your driving abilities she just needs to take it easy little lady

john bruins john bruins here uh in the uk giving him a call yeah and again thanks to brad for

sending in that twitter complainer worked out great good time hello hey how are you honey

Is John Bruin there?

John Bruins?

No.

That's right.

Hello.

Your call cannot be taken at the moment, so please leave your message after the tone.

Girl, baby food.

Gross.

Your call cannot be taken at the moment.

Oh, well.

Moving right along.

John Drummond in the UK.

That operation is saucy anyway.

Yep.

In a moment, I'm going to look up NPSA Corpus numbers, those submissions, and see what we can do there.

john drummond yes yes why did it take so long for you to answer to reply who is it were you

sleeping who is that this is eddie eddie who eddie cross why did it take you so long to reply when i

when you pick up the phone what took so long hey listen listen you little monkey are you listening

to me man you know they put lemon juice or vinegar and mayonnaise to give it some acidity it's a

a trick on your taste buds it's a trick all right you stay there uh sir you stay on the line we're

gonna call the ku klux klan all right you ever heard of them they're a racist organization here

in the united states the other day i was thinking how come the ku klux klan hasn't moved over to the

uk they haven't jumped the pond you think they would have by now they accept italians milkman

they should accept british people british maybe they have a good dental plan okay gotcha is that

Is that what it is?

The Klan SSC?

Let's go.

Tell us.

Thank you for calling the traditionalist American Knights of the Ku Klux Klan.

We are unapologetically committed to the interests and values of the white race.

We are determined to maintain and enrich our cultural and racial heritage.

White people will simply not buy the equality propaganda anymore,

and have begun to doubt some of the anti-Klan hysteria that they have been fed in school and from TV and movies.

The traditionalist American Knights of the Ku Klux Klan is simply a movement of white people

for the highest standards of Western Christian civilization.

If you would like an information packet sent to you, press 1.

For media inquiries, press 2.

If you would like a representative of the TAK to call you back, press 3.

To check the status of your...

Thank you for calling Media Inquiries.

We are currently closed.

At the time, we're currently closed.

Boy, you were saying something else, though.

You had another option.

You could leave a message for a callback.

We had another option after leave a message.

If you start to say something, follow up your inquiry or something.

He hung up.

The U.K. guy finally hung up.

He hung up on somebody.

The U.K. guy finally hung up.

Let me call him.

I like just keeping him on the line now.

Fuck it.

Hello, old man.

Hey, did you hear that message?

Did you hear it?

I should call people and just play that message from the Klan

like it's some kind of telemarketer call.

Exactly.

That's cool.

A traditional American knight of the Ku Klux Klan is committed to you in the white race.

The white man will not stand any longer for media portrayals of the white race and gender.

What is it, equality?

What the fuck?

Okay.

Yeah.

Gender bias to equality.

Gender bias to equality and racial equality.

Oh, man.

Yeah, pretty professional sounding guy, too.

Do I? That gentleman. That gentleman.

Okay, let me open up Dropbox and take a look at this word doc that's been uploaded.

Call it back one more time and let it play all the way through, man.

And that way we could use it later.

You can grab the audio, right? Okay, all right.

Well, you stay quiet also.

Yeah, you mute so that we have good audio. Here we go.

Wake up, wild people.

From Mark, thank you for calling the traditionalist American Knights of the Ku Klux Klan.

We are unapologetically committed to the interests and values of the white race.

We are determined to maintain and enrich our cultural and racial heritage.

White people will simply not buy the equality propaganda anymore,

and it begun to doubt some of the anti-Klan hysteria that they have been fed in school and from TV and movies.

The traditionalist American knife of the Ku Klux Klan is simply a movement of white people

for the highest standards of Western Christian civilization.

If you would like an information packet sent to you, press 1.

For media inquiries, press 2.

If you would like a representative of the TAK to call you back, press 3.

To check the status of your application, press 4.

Status of your application?

Thank you for calling.

Call back.

Please hold for the next available agent.

All of our agents are busy helping other customers.

At the tone, please record.

I'm going to go through the trouble leaving a voicemail.

Fuck.

Okay.

Well, there you go.

Damn, that was pretty hardcore, man.

Hardcore, man.

Hardcore to the brain.

Okay.

Well, Baz was calling in.

Let's connect him here.

Big Baz.

A very interesting avatar Baz has on here now.

Wow.

Hey, Baz.

Hey, what's up?

Explain your picture.

Is it an old man reading a playboy?

No, it's an old Banchu'd woman reading a playboy.

Ew, really?

That's a Banchu'd woman?

Oh, okay.

An Indian.

Oh, it is an Indian woman.

Look at that.

Yeah.

Oh, I wonder what she's doing that for.

That's weird.

I don't know.

She's curious.

She's curious, yeah.

She wants to see a little bit of hair pie.

Okay.

Yeah.

Just look in the mirror.

Neat.

Looks like she had white hairs, though.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Big Ken.

Ken Keneff is here.

here you know i accidentally tabbed out of the uh chat room now i can't get back in

i know dr conniff is here you'll get back in keep trying keep trying well i'm working on it guys i

know it's i know i know it's bullshit i think we should prank that irc guy should call him at least

and ask him on here hey man you know we all want to know what the fuck is up man work with us indeed

work with us indeed um i'll be honest with you i was thinking about wrapping up the show early

early tonight so uh you guys are on time you got well you guys are just in time to bring it up you

know step it up a notch can you send in any more numbers uh yes actually i had about two or three

more and then i just sent in a couple more well i'm having a browser problem here so or gmail

problem i don't know what's going on can you just put those here in uh skype chat for the time being

uh i don't have them anymore i put them in through the uh

request was right there.

Hey, Zyklon is here. Hey, Zyklon, what's up, man?

Hey, Zyklon. Hey, man.

One quick question, though,

related to draft. Can we please move it

to 11 on Friday?

Yeah, that's fine with me, I guess. 11 p.m.?

Yeah, because at 11 I can

definitely make it. I'll have to try to do the

draft during the fucking G.I.D. show.

Oh, man. Might as well.

Actually, we call it a G.I.D. show occasionally

on what the draft results are.

Yeah, I'm sure he'll get a kick out of that.

I don't think Gian wants to hear that shit.

But, yeah, we can, I guess.

Yeah, I'll check with him.

I think just about everyone has checked in with me.

I guess we're going to do a 12-team league again instead of 10.

Who are we going to get for the Ritchie slot?

Baz, did you say you wanted a slot?

I think you were the first person to ask for one.

So, was that you, Baz?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I guess Baz.

Baz, send me whatever email you want me to send your invite to,

and I'll get that out to you.

Okay.

Have you ever played fantasy football before, or is this your first time?

I haven't, and you're breaking up pretty bad right now.

Yeah, same on my end.

I'm having a lot of connection issues tonight.

I don't know what's going on.

I submitted a request to Frank.

You might think it's pretty funny.

Stupid people.

All right, so how's my quality now?

Baz, what do you think?

How do I sound there, big guy?

You sound awesome.

Sex.

Okay.

Nation of Islam, Oakland headquarters.

Here we go.

Man, let's do it.

Nation of Islam.

Oakland headquarters?

Oh, shit.

Oh, that's hardcore.

Oakland, that's the part of town you don't drive into, right?

I drove here for a long time, man.

I don't know where you're going to.

MC Hammer's from there.

You know where the hell you're going, Sean.

Hey, boy.

You have reached the voicemail box, Al.

Oh, man.

Come on, brother.

Must be busy.

Ain't going to answer it this time.

Here's a different one.

This is the Chicago Center, which if I know correctly, I think this is like the major one.

This is the one that Farrakhan preaches out of.

I don't think Farrakhan's Nation of Islam anymore, though.

I think he started his own thing, right?

Or is he still NOI?

I don't know.

I could have sworn he broke from the Nation.

He does his own thing now.

As-salamu alaykum, my brother.

Wa alaykum as-salam.

Hey, man, so the Farrakhan, did he leave the Nation and start his own thing?

Or is he still out of here, you know?

I don't understand what your question is.

What do you mean?

You know Minister Farrakhan?

Yes.

Did he leave the NLI?

Did he leave the nation and start his own thing?

Or is he still with the organization?

Damn it.

Wow, man.

We were out of breath.

We got disconnected.

Can I talk to this guy?

No.

Touchy subject or what?

I was like, you cannot.

You know it's going to be something really racist.

I was going to say, you don't want to create the Farrakhan fan club.

You want to contact him.

Listen, what's wrong with you boys over there?

I'm just asking the question about Minister Farrakhan.

First of all, first of all, I don't need you cussing at me on the phone, and I ain't your boy.

Oh.

So if you have a question, why don't you call during business hours?

Why would you call at 12 o'clock at night?

Listen, my boy.

So the problem is not over here.

The problem appears to be with you.

Look, my boy, I just had a quick question, and you answered it wrong.

Oh, shit.

My boy.

That's fantastic.

Hello, my boy.

It depends on the white person, but that could be really racist.

No, yeah.

Yeah, I can.

For Southern blacks, that's really racist to call a boy.

Yeah, my dad, we were in Daytona Beach, and my dad thought it was funny.

He saw me, and then he goes, hey, boy, how are you?

Like all these black guys were playing basketball, and they looked at him.

I put those request to print numbers in the chat, and Enigma looked them up for me.

Enigma looked them up for you.

Cool.

He can get them off the server machine.

Let me see if that's fixed anyway.

Hello.

Hello, is that the Nation of Islam School?

Oh, no, no such thing.

Oh, how you boys doing?

How you boys doing?

I said there's no such thing.

Yeah, but I'm asking how you boys doing.

Who are you talking about?

About you.

Oh, I'm...

It's too late to have a conversation.

Thanks for calling.

Goodbye.

How you doing, my boy?

Hey, we've got some beer.

What it is, man?

We've got some chickens.

49, what you got against Colt 49, darn it.

Tell him we're making a run to KFC.

We want to know if he wants in.

That's how we did some 40s, too.

Thank you for calling.

You've reached the National Center.

No one is available to take your call at this time.

You don't want to answer no more.

I was going to ask him what his favorite hot sauce was.

He won't answer.

Damn it, boy.

Damn it.

All right.

Yeah, here's the answer.

Oh, hey, we got Ken's numbers also, right?

I put one and two.

Yes, sir.

It's in the Skype chat.

All right, let's let Baz do this one here.

What was it again?

Ann, did I say?

Ann Howard, yeah.

It better be a porn filter caller.

Nunu will get up your ass about it.

Yeah, please put the porn filter.

Yeah, the porn filter.

Come on, man.

That's just it.

Get all up in your ass.

What?

Ann Howard.

Hello?

Good morning.

May I speak with Miss Ann Howard, please?

This is David Snoswell.

Hello?

Yes.

My name is David Snoswell.

I'm calling from the Royal Service,

and we're calling to inform you tonight

that the prince and the royal baby

will be making an appearance in your town

and we need you to have your yard cleaned up.

We need you to remove any rubbish

that might be on your porch.

Yeah.

And the prince will be coming into houses at random

to visit with the locals.

So we also respectfully ask

that you have a large bust portrait of the queen

displayed prominently in your living room.

Yeah.

And if you have any pornography lying about any kind of sexual toys,

please make sure that they're put away because Princess Kate gets quite offended

when she sees things like dildos and pornographic magazines.

And...

Can you get off on this?

Excuse me?

Can you get off on this?

No, I'm being quite serious.

We also respectfully request that you make sure your home is clean.

Why are you doing that to us? We should turn on people.

No, it's actually not.

We're asking that you please hide any that you might have.

Yeah, I know, but you know, the backyard got about one minute's mention.

Pornography got five minutes mentioned, I was going to say.

Well, we're more concerned about that than the yard,

because we know that most people in your neighborhood keep their yards in good order.

How many people actually delight you, and how many people are rude?

They've been actually quite nice to me.

Really? What, you've been calling at five o'clock in the morning?

Oh, well, I'm calling from our call center in Chicago, Illinois, so...

Yeah, it's five o'clock in the morning in England.

Oh, well, we were not aware of that.

That's irrelevant anyway.

But you should know.

It's time to get up.

I know it's time to get to America and England.

Come on.

Oh, no, I'm employed by the British government

and the Royal Service.

We're outsourcing to Chicago and Illinois.

Well, you must know what time it is in England

if you're working for the British government.

Well, we're working feverishly to contact everybody

in the route, the Royal Parade route.

and unfortunately that means that we have to call round the clock.

I'm glad you enjoy your job, whatever.

It's quite funny.

I think last time you saw me it was...

But you know, you're...

And I owe you all this money for you...

Silence.

...too much water.

Silence.

Are you being a pillock?

Don't be a pillock.

I'm not being very polite, Mr. Newsom today.

Well, you're just speaking a load of cobblers to me.

No, I'm not.

It's a bunch of rubbish.

I don't think you probably want the government to use that for the word.

Well, I do.

I mean, that's up to you to decide whether or not you want to believe that or not.

Yeah, I've got it in there.

It's been quite a meeting.

Thank you very much.

Mark my words.

You will be sorry if the prince comes up to your door and he comes in and he sees your pornography

and your dodo's lying about, you will be written up.

Hello.

Oh, she's gone.

That was good.

You see how much bigger that was in porn filter?

filter new new you see yeah that was great great great call good good pat on the back everyone give

give baz a good pat on the back there we we got a sexy latina couple here sent in by ken ken's

neighbor in a discreet hotel in the pico river area right now pico river is pico uh they're

looking to swap guys anyone want to talk zyclaw and you want to i'll do it i'll do it yeah just

You gotta make sure to

I don't know

Have someone try to sound like a girl

They'll probably hang up on you

We don't have any girl talkers here

Let's get Dark Stranger on

She's a girl

Just make up some shit

Like your woman's in the bathroom

She's doing some math

Then they're gonna hang up

Just getting some poppers and shit around

Oh yeah that's true

You're drug and disease free

Dark Stranger could join us

But she's not answering

string, so whatever. Oh, Dark

Stranger, come on. Dark Strangler.

No answer there, so here's

the Vanessa who wants to share her one

bedroom apartment with a man.

Can I take that one? Yep, Vanessa,

one bedroom apartment.

Hello? Hi, is this Vanessa?

Yes, who's that? Hi, this is

Larry, I saw you're out on Craigslist

looking for a, share a bedroom with

a man, and I'm a big, strong

mailer man.

And I was on...

Okay, it's still available, but it's basically

Just for one man?

I am a man.

One man?

Month?

Ah, why only a month, baby?

Can't he not handle me for that long?

So you only got a month to trash the place up then and then skedaddle?

Oh, I don't have to be out, baby.

I just told you why.

Because it's a vacation home and the people are coming back.

Are you sure those people aren't some swingers that want to serve my big, long, white dick?

Are you serious?

I'm damn serious, baby.

I'm ten inches uncut of pure white meat.

Ah, she's hung up.

Damn it.

Ten inches of uncut white meat.

I guess that's the only thing she can handle.

Let me try to call her.

Not my turn now.

Okay, I'll get a beer.

Hey, what's the name of your cat?

I don't have a cat like yours.

I named him...

It should be Smokey.

Smokey!

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

It's not available.

Listen, you dick.

Get over it, okay?

Hey, listen.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Hello?

Yeah, I was calling about a apartment for rent.

Hello?

Oh, she hung up.

Listen, you...

She hung up on Whitesnake.

Whitesnake.

That's a hell of a band.

Milkman, you ever see Whitesnake?

You ate mushrooms at the concert?

I had mushrooms at an Iron Maiden concert.

Oh, yeah.

I had mushrooms at a high school football game.

Yeah, I was.

You have reached the straight voice mailbox of...

It was a JV game.

I was still on the JV team at that point, so it wasn't a big deal.

Yeah, the last concert I went to, I drank a bit, but I didn't take any drugs.

Mushrooms.

That's the only other drug I've done other than pot.

I've never done anything else.

And I don't plant it either.

And I was in high school.

I did it once.

That was the one time I did it.

I got really sick.

I threw up inside my football helmet and got all inside.

It was bad.

Yeah, they make you a little queasy at first.

That's what happened.

I know, it tasted like shit, and I threw up, and it got inside my helmet,

and they figured I had heat exhaustion.

Oh, man, you guys chunk.

That's weak, man.

You got to be tough.

They figured I had heat exhaustion, and they pulled me out of the game.

Like, oh.

Hold it in.

Yeah, like Carlos has heat exhaustion.

Pull him out.

Mushrooms.

I had a buddy that grew some Cubensis, the big ones.

They're pretty powerful.

You can buy these kits at the head shops in Grom.

Yeah, I like to try those lollipops.

Milkman, did you get the lollipops yet?

Man, get the lollipops.

Tell me how they work.

It sounds really like a novel idea.

What?

What's a lollipop?

They got those at the dispensary.

They got lollipops.

The edibles, they got a lollipop one, I guess.

Oh, you're talking about edible?

I got all that kind of crap, yeah.

Have you tried the lollipops or the candies yet?

You said you did chocolate, right?

That was it.

I got a few things I had.

What is it?

Marshmallow, what are those?

Rice Krispies?

I make those.

I've had the chocolate cookies.

I've had brownies.

I've had fudge.

I've tried the caramel.

I've tried...

Oh, crap.

Other shit, too.

I can't remember, dude.

They had a big old tray of shit on there.

It was like fudge and other kind of crap.

Get the lollipops

Try the lollipops

Of the Jolly Ranchers

And let me know

I'm just curious

If that shit works

That'd be awesome

Like if

I've

Probably got them

Check it out

I've never

I've never really

Filled with the sugar

Hardcore sugar

Because I don't do

As much sugar

But I

You know

Just to see how they work

You know man

I'm telling you they do

So listen to me

Go try it next time

Alright

Cause I

I think that'd be cool

If you take

When I go to Ponce

Dude I'll have to take

Some of those

I think it's back

One of these big ass

Chocolate

Double chocolate ones

They have about like

About nine grams of ash, and it was pretty good, man.

I would have a lollipop at the airport if I had to take a plane trip.

I think that would be the best thing to do.

If they work.

I don't know if they work, so let me know.

All right.

Oh, yeah, they work.

We'll get roasted.

Yeah, in about a year, I'll be able to buy them legally at stores here in Washington State.

Yep, recreational.

Yeah, they get this.

They just announced on the news today that the feds have just announced that when these stores open,

that the proprietors will not be able to use any kind of services

from an FDIC-insured bank

because they're just trying to find a way to crack down on this.

Yeah, they're saying they won't insure funds

that are being garnered from the sale of cannabis.

Yeah, bastards.

So this is what they're talking about,

having stores that are going to be relying on cash only

and having huge amounts of cash lying around.

It ain't going to work.

It's just an inconvenience.

I'm going to rob the motherfuckers.

So they're going to have to pay other bills and money orders and shit like that.

That's a fucking bull.

Yeah, there's a Washington, one of our congressmen is introducing a bill to try to get around that.

Yeah, totally should.

That's bullshit.

Hello.

Dark Stranger.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Hello.

Hey, it's Dark Stranger.

Yay.

Yay, Dark Stranger.

Oh, yeah.

Headsets.

I wanted to make sure that was all good.

Cool.

I'm looking at some more Ken Prank calls.

Can we call?

What's up?

Can we call that a taxi cab number I posted?

London Taxi in San Francisco.

Yeah, Milkman needs a new ride.

Oh, shit.

Milkman, you don't work for London Taxi, do you?

Well, if you did, you wouldn't want to.

No, I never even heard of them, dude.

Okay.

It's the London cabs, you know, the ones you see in all the movies.

Ask if they have double-decker cabs.

Nah, they're in San Francisco.

I don't see none of that shit driving around.

Yeah, this one's for you, Carlito.

I thought you were doing that shit.

Oh, no.

All right.

They got those little rickshaws.

And they got the bike kind that they pull around, like, two or three people with.

Do they have slaves?

Hello?

Yeah, is that London Taxi Machine?

Yes.

Oh, wow.

How many slaves do you have?

How many what?

Slaves.

Slaves?

Yeah.

How many slaves?

Yeah, how many slaves do you have working for you, moving the people around?

I heard the noise.

Someone's calling back in.

Let's see if this is police.

Okay.

I've sent the caller a voicemail.

I got a missed call from this number.

I'm just trying to find out who it is.

What was that?

you got a problem uh i don't know who that was a 6012 number who was the 6012 you guys know any of

you let me look what's the area code uh five one five one zero area code i knew you guys sent a

five one zero that i might have called i'm looking i'm looking i'm looking that's a california area

code no i said oakland uh i said oakland dude that's the brothers from islam that's the islam

The Nation of Islam.

The Nation.

All right, that's the Oakland one.

Okay.

All right, cool.

Yeah, it's Oakland.

I know that number, dude.

I just caught that.

You know, he called.

All right, let's call him.

I didn't talk to him.

It's all good.

It's Salami Malek and Salami.

Salami, man.

I thought they didn't take pork.

Okay, please talk to the Nation of Islam.

All right.

He doesn't answer.

You have reached the voicemail box of five.

Damn it, man.

I wonder which restaurant in the nation of Islam gets their fried chicken from.

KFC, Popeyes, Churches.

They don't need that shit.

Probably Churches or Popeyes, man.

Churches, man.

Churches.

Swine is a filthy animal.

Ask them what their salami business is, man, because they make salami out of pork.

So where is that assalami shit?

There's turkey salami, Wilkman.

You know that.

Don't be stupid.

Barney sent in a request to prank for X-Acto.

They make springs.

Ask for a guy.

Yeah, but they don't say assa turkey salami.

I mean, it's salami.

Ask for a guy named Billy.

He has a short temper.

Salami nipples.

Big salami nips.

Slice of salami nips.

All right, this guy makes springs and he's stressed out,

and I'm supposed to prank call him?

They're like pasties type, you know?

They're like bologna.

You got to cut them a little bit before you fry them,

or they'll bubble pop up in the middle.

You have to cut an X in the middle, stupid.

One slice, like a pie.

One slice.

I don't like doing the corner because it gets all weird.

Hello?

Yeah, hey, buddy, how are you?

Pretty good.

Good, good.

Good. Listen, I got a problem here with these springs you've been making.

Yeah, they're not coming out to the specifications they're supposed to.

For vendor, what job?

I'm calling from Master International Business Machines.

Hold on here.

Master International Business Machines.

Master International Machines.

Yeah.

I don't make any parts for them.

Oh, yeah. I've got all your paperwork here.

Exacto, it says.

These are horrible.

They don't spring right.

they half of them are failing i got five sensor alerts on the spring sensors and everything

so some of them have failed we lost some of them in the machine here and now we got to shut down

the machine and go looking with a flashlight for the spring just popped out again another spring

came out right there see that look at that what uh yeah hold on one second i gotta shut this down

one second shut it down just popped up and hit charles in the eye who are you guys for again

Master International Business Machines.

Master International Business.

I honestly don't make any parts for anybody.

Oh, these are...

No, we have this information came with the order, X-Acto Springs.

We got all the information.

We got the shipment from your location in China.

It came in.

We got it on eBay.

It was like half the price as normal.

Well, if it's China, then it could be anybody.

I think you bought it from China.

It says X-Acto, and it has your phone number and your information.

It says these are your springs.

Does it say who the operator was?

It says X-Acto in Wisconsin, USA.

Again, the spring just hit Charlie in the fucking eye.

Yeah, we got a spring, and he just hit Charlie in the eye over here.

It doesn't say an operator.

It doesn't say who made them who.

It says created by Exacto Springs.

Exacto Springs, created, made by Exacto in Wisconsin, USA, it says.

And I ordered this on eBay.

It was like 50% off the normal price.

It said authentic Exacto Springs.

Yeah, and I got it from China.

Yeah, they all have the same serial number on them, too.

Man, Charlie's out real bad now.

You know, you have to call tomorrow and talk to a supervisor or salesman.

I don't know.

I don't even know what kind of spring is this, a compression spring?

Yeah.

I mean, what does it look like?

A compression spring.

Listen, boy, you didn't make this right.

Oh, God.

You need to make this right and fix it, all right?

Well, I mean, here's the thing, though.

You didn't buy them from us.

You bought them off eBay.

They told me we had to get with the manufacturer, the warranty, to fix it.

I don't know.

I talked to Mr. Wu, and he said...

Mr. Wu?

Mr. Wu in China.

I don't know who the hell Mr. Wu is.

He's the guy that you sell your springs through, you stupid.

Well, don't call me stupid, buddy.

I don't even know if it's fucking real here.

That spring wouldn't pop out no more.

This is starting to get really stupid here, this whole situation.

And you people are stupid also.

Also, you have stupid springs made cheap, springs made in China.

Pieces of shit.

You know what?

They probably fucking took the good ones and filled the boxes with their shitty Chinese ones

and then fucking sold those to you.

Well, you're irresponsible.

You got a fucking problem.

It's your responsibility, you asshole.

Call tomorrow and call to a supervisor or a fucking salesman and talk to them.

I'm going to get you written up and fired.

He's starting to get pissed.

Let's call him back.

Alright, let's...

Can I talk to him?

Yeah, Zyklon, you can talk to him.

You can tell him that Charlie's on his way to the ER.

I'd go for an egg salad sandwich right now.

Oh, that's good.

Hello?

Yes, hey.

We're pretty fucking pissed off here.

We're having to take Charlie to the damn hospital

because the fucking spring got in his eye.

They can lock the hospital then.

Okay, hey, I need to get...

Aw, fuck you.

Chinga to my way.

Hey, we haven't talked to that guy in a while.

Did you notice what my team name is now?

No, I haven't gone in there yet.

No, what is it?

The Honoruru Chingars.

Who'd you set for your keeper?

Megatron.

Actually, I think keepers are bullshit.

I think I got Ray Rice.

Who was my keeper?

It's some asshole.

I don't have anybody good.

I'm 100% of the opinion that keepers are gay.

We can get rid of the keepers.

I don't know.

Let's at least take a vote.

Rather, you and Charlie are deciding to ditch them.

Is there a consensus?

Sorry, we've got to get that shit all hashed out when it comes to stuff like that.

Is the scoring okay?

I like the scoring.

I thought the scoring was good.

The scoring was fine.

Yeah.

But the reason I don't like the keepers is it basically penalized anybody that drafted late last year.

In the first round.

Yeah, that's not fair.

Fuck.

It's not fair to Billy, I guess.

That's not fair to him.

Oh, Billy.

Ken, who's your keeper?

Did you pick your keeper yet?

Ken?

Ken probably picked Mark Sanchez.

No, I just shut a fucking fan off, so I can't even talk.

No, I didn't know we had the keepers yet, so I guess I need to figure out how to do that.

You've got to go into my team, and when you get to my team, you do select keepers.

It's a blue link.

Select keepers, and you can choose one player to keep from last year.

To me, this all sounds like gay talk.

Bottom keeper.

I kept Frank Gore.

Frank Gore is who I kept.

Titans.

I got my kicker, Frank Gore, kept.

So far, I've got to change that.

I don't know who to keep.

What's your party?

I should probably keep RG3, to tell you the truth.

Dark Stranger doesn't like sports.

Nah, that guy sucks.

I'm probably going to keep RG3 or Chris Johnson, probably one of those two.

Dark Stranger, how can you not?

You have a French press for coffee.

I've tried to use it, and I get coffee grounds all over the place every time.

Look, guys, you can buy me lots of beer, and you can watch your football or whatever.

You have lots of sex

I'm asking you about French press coffee

You can do it okay so you don't get all the grinds

Yes I'm not a stupid girl

Oh man I can't do it

I know how to work around the kitchen

Unlike you

Oh true well I think I just have a bad French press

Cause it doesn't

I think it has like a leak in the seal

You know between the glass

You should probably call France then

And complain

Fuck your French press

call Bruno. Hey, my French press is a piece of

shit. Yeah. Who found

Bruno? Is it Artie? Nah, that was

lonesome. Actually, though, the French press

probably surrendered to the German press.

The German press.

The Blitzkrieg.

They sure did.

The French press. All the people

on chat are saying we should call the Nation of Islam

and play that KKK intro.

Oh my god.

That wouldn't work out well. Have you ever seen the little

white kid on YouTube that has his own show?

Andrew.

I recommend everybody go search for that right now.

A white kid on YouTube that has his own show?

Yeah, it's like a show for white kids.

And he talks about all the cartoons.

Oh my god, two interracial couples.

They kissed each other and stuff.

It's terrible.

Oh my god, that's scandalous.

This is like in the 1960s, that guy.

That was Kirk.

I'll find a link for it.

I can't explain it.

Yeah, Kirk and Uhura did that.

Were they the first one?

Yeah, it was Kirk and Uhura.

And Sesame Street had the first couple.

They didn't kiss, but there were a couple, right?

That was in the mid-60s.

They got taken off a bunch of stations

in the South. Sesame Street did for a while

there because of that. They were the first interracial couple

on TV.

It almost seems like Wonder shows in, but then you realize it's real.

I gotta address

a couple rumors in the chat.

Metal Man, I did not pass out from doing poppers.

And Sloth, I did not

kiss a black man once, you son of a bitch.

You kissed a black man once.

What about White Man, Cad?

Is it worse because it's a black guy

or because it's a man?

I kissed a black man once, but

I wasn't supposed to tell.

Did your lips grow

a little bit, Cat, afterwards?

They did, and they tasted like watermelon.

Carlito, you should call Charlie.

Uh, okay, Charlie.

I kept making the kids, uh, spraying them

that were doing a show yesterday on Mixler

called Waffle House and started asking

about their beef curtains.

Okay.

I've got to find Charlie's, uh,

You gotta call Turkish Kitchen also, if they're still open.

Yeah, Turkish Kitchen, the last time I've seen people call them,

they just don't play along with drinks anymore.

They don't anymore, they don't care anymore.

They don't give a shit anymore, man.

They just, like, hang up, or...

You don't even get, like, a motherfucker from Faizan anymore.

Not even, yeah, she's just like, whatever.

I think they just get busy and stuff, they don't have time for that shit.

Alright, here's Charlie. Charlie, let's all talk to him.

He has his own fantasy football team.

Hello?

Hey, Charlie, you old horndog motherfucker.

How's it going?

Yes, how are you?

I'm doing most excellently.

I'm calling about the beef curtains.

Do you have beef curtains, Chow Mein?

Today, yes.

I'd like to buy some today.

You want to take our order?

Yes.

Will you take my order, please?

Okay, hold on, please.

Screw the fuck up.

Anybody have any requests?

He's going to take my order.

Ask for Mao Zedong, Chow Mein, because he's Taiwanese.

when he's...

He said he was off tonight.

Yes, I would like one order of

Beef Curtain Chow Mein.

What? Beef Curtain Chow Mein?

Beef Curtain Chow Mein.

Stupid.

No, I'm not.

I'm some shit and piss Chow Mein.

Huh?

Chow Mein is shit and piss.

Huh?

Wait, wait.

Are you crazy, you?

No, I'm not crazy.

What happened, huh?

You're crazy.

I want to call police to teach you, okay?

You're always cute.

Hey, don't...

Wait, wait.

you son of a bitch you understand no no i'm sorry i want to apologize hey hey hey you always call

this number i want to call the police teach you okay i've never i've never called this number

before i've never called you before huh i never call i not call ever okay i got your phone number

i want to call the police okay no no please no okay no don't do that okay no fuck you fuck you

You understand?

Fuck you.

That's not me.

You're crazy, you.

No, that's not me.

Somebody's hacking my phone.

Get your mind away.

Long time already.

Hey.

What?

I want Charmaine with this shit.

Let me talk to him.

Hey, Charlie.

Get out of here.

Charlie, what happened?

Charlie.

Shishi.

Ni hao.

Incoming pots and pans.

gonna have to get the woman to take care of this i guess he must be off his meds i think he's like

an anger management he's like calmer he's calm hey at least he got pissed he got pissed but he

didn't get really mad he almost like he was saying like please don't do that

Oh, we'll keep him.

I know what to do.

I'll call the restaurant.

You're going to call them both at the same time?

Yeah, because he's in the background yelling.

Hold on, I'll post a list of some type of swear words in Skype.

Did he hang up or did you hang up?

Oh, he hung up.

Fuck.

Call him back and when you talk to him, ask for God God, which is like fuck fuck.

I don't know what the fuck that guy speaks.

He's not going to answer again.

God God?

or you want me to try since i'm looking at some let's see if his boy toy is working the new guy

your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice that's charlie's cell phone all right

they closed tonight or something because he's i don't know that's weird he's off right that's

weird for him to be off well no he's been he's golfing and shit sometimes right i guess that's

not necessarily odd maybe he had a bad game tonight today he's pissed poor guy yeah poor

Charlie. It's got it rough, man. All right, let's

continue on here. What time is it?

1252.

Okay. Perhaps I'll start wrapping

it up here soon. Nation of Islam,

those are the latest numbers from Lonesome.

Let me try to call the Nation of Islam

Oakland back here. Milkman, can we

send you over there to go look at them while we call

them? Like we did with Faisal.

I'm on my way right now. With Onassis.

I'm out inside the madhouse

Mercedes. Hello. Yes,

assalamu alaikum. Wa alaikum salam.

how you doing my boy thanks for answering the phone i try to call you who is this oh this is

eddie how are you how are you my boy how you doing hello uh-huh hey how you doing boy you doing good

that's good this is eddie i'm calling for nation of islam oakland how you doing boy you know what

this ain't the phone you want to play on why not i'm not playing i was just seeing i was had a few

questions what are you talking about boys though let's say that's all my friends say how you doing

in there big guy big boy how are you you know hey boy listen i don't i don't play on the phone if

you want to play we can play in person okay boss but don't play on this phone you get it understand

you'd like to play with boys man no no no listen i'm gonna explain this to you one last time you

don't play on this phone do you understand you can play with my testicles in person yeah you

know what you can tug on my foreskin touch it touch it down there i don't play on the phone

on, you fucking faggot. You bring your little

bitch ass up here in person and we'll deal with it that

way. Ah, don't be like that. Ah, fuck yeah.

You little angry monkey, don't be like

that. Aw. Aw, fuck

yeah. Yeah.

Way to do, Ken Stark.

He'd be all over you, Dark Strangers. Yeah.

Who's a white lady?

Hey, uh, can we call back and

all actors, like, pretend to be a taxi driver

that's been called over there? Uh,

what? We might, you know

how Jed likes to do those things where he calls

like taxis and shit to go to places.

Yeah.

Just call them fake to be like a taxi driver.

Is that guy right there,

you call him the Nation from Islam dude?

Like pizza, taxi.

Is that the Nation from Islam guy?

Yeah.

I got it.

Okay, then tell him you're going to call

for a friendly taxi.

That's a shitty taxi around there.

Friendly taxi.

Friendly?

Okay, I'll pretend to be from Friendly.

If you pick him up.

Oh, yeah.

What's your address?

Hello, this is Larry from Friendly Taxi.

I'm outside here to pick up a brother

and take him downtown to the Dice game

and the KFC.

Stop playing on my fucking phone.

What are you talking about, man?

I'm just calling for Friendly.

Friendly?

What is your address?

Someone actually says playing on the phone.

What is your address?

Wow.

That was funny.

Next time I hear what he says,

I'd say 123 Fake Street.

123 Fake Street.

Friendly?

I'm going to address for KFC here.

Friendly Taxi.

Milkman has beef with Friendly Taxi also.

Just so you guys know.

Okay, I'm going to find their phone number.

Friendly, City Taxi Company, Friendly, and Yellow, was it the other one?

Yellow, Sunshine, they're all these fucking suck-ass companies, man.

Fucking rip your ass off.

It's more like farts inside the cars and stuff, probably.

You get in the car, and I'm like, sit the fuck down.

Okay, I found their phone number.

I'll post it to Skype.

I don't know if we want to call Friendly Taxi.

Why not?

Let's fuck with them, right, Milkman?

Just don't trace it back to Milkman.

Don't say Milkman.

No, we're not going to say Milkman.

Milkman, Milkman.

They won't know anyway.

They don't know who Milkman is.

That's the number over at Skype for Friendly Taxi.

All right, let's see if they're jerks also.

Friendly my ass.

How long do they take to make an asshole taxi?

Call a cab to the Nation of Islam.

Taxi, can I help you?

Oh, yes, this is Larry.

I need to get a taxi over to the Nation of Islam

to take a couple of my homeboys to the Dice Game and then to the KFC.

Okay, so where are they at again?

They're over at the Oakland Nation of Islam.

That's all I got.

Who is that?

In Oakland.

I have no idea what that's at.

Did they give you an address or something?

No, they just said go to the Oakland Nation or Islam, pick up a couple of brothers.

They need to go to the Dice Game and KFC.

I put it in there.

I put it in there for you.

Ah, there it is.

It's Cornea.

5-2-7-7-4-0.

Do you have a phone number on them?

Hold on.

Hey, my brother, you got the number for those guys?

There you go.

All right.

It's 8-6-

And you said they were going where again?

They're going to the Dice Game.

They'll tell you where it is in the taxi cab and to the KFC down the street from the nation.

All right.

It should be within 10 or 15 minutes.

All right.

How's that, my brother?

All right.

Nice.

The dice game.

You're like, what happened, dude?

Good job.

Good job, Cyclone.

Take a taxi to the dice game.

Okay, right.

I was trying to think of what would be the most normal places black people would take

taxis to.

A dice game.

That's what you came up with.

I don't know.

The hair salon?

It's kind of late, though, I guess.

Yeah.

Walmart. Plus, of course, KFC.

Walmart. Grocery store.

Local crack house.

Check cashing place.

Yeah.

The Domino's.

They've got a 24-hour check cashing on International Boulevard over there.

International Boulevard machine.

All right.

yeah

you got a 24 hour

check cashing

and you probably

should go with

church's chicken

because they got

a shit load of

those everywhere

church's is the best

and they got the

best biscuits

they got that

honey butter

that motherfucker's

there man

you bite into

one of those

when they're fresh

they'll squirt

and they'll burn you

it's really hot

but it's like

juicy

yeah man

church's chicken

we don't have them

up here in Washington

not down here

where I live either

I'd trade church's

chicken for

it's good shit

the spice is really

bomb

either one's good

though

I'm telling you guys

man

If you want chicken, it ain't dry.

This is it.

Are there all the churches in the ghetto, though?

All of them, but they're kind of a southern company.

You've got Popeye's and Blowjangles.

I prefer myself.

I like churches.

In Puerto Rico, they're like on every major intersection.

There's a church that's chicken, a Burger King, and a McDonald's

at every single major intersection.

It's like the number three.

We had one finally after all those years down in there

just before I moved out, man, from the islands, man.

They had all of that Kentucky only.

I'm going to go see if there's even a church's chicken in Knoxville.

We've got this place up here called Ezel's, man.

They're freaking awesome.

It's only like one or two stores.

There's no churches around here either.

That was in Florida where there was one.

Get the chicken only deal,

and then you'll get them for about less than a dollar a piece, man.

I was like, what is it?

I think it's like, right?

Well, about a dollar a piece, maybe.

Maybe, like, 10M for $12, I think, or $9.99 in tax.

I think that's what it is.

Yeah, Orlando has a Maryland fried chicken that's really good, too.

That's, I think they have, like, I think that's a, it's a chain that used to be bigger back in the day,

but there's still a few of them left.

But it's really good.

Maryland, they do gizzards and stuff like that.

Like, they'll fry up gizzards and shit.

Yeah, it's like, whoa.

They got a really cool menu, man.

It's old school southern fried chicken.

Yeah.

So it's kind of like Sambo's?

I guess what Sam

Samples is hamburgers

I thought

Wasn't it like

You know you could

It was more like

A Denny's kind of thing

Wasn't it

Quarter burgers

And stuff like that

Or something for kids

It's just like a diner

Southern fried food

Man grits

Grits are awesome

I don't see what people

Hate about grits

You just gotta load them up

I love

If you load them up

I love them

As long as they're loaded up

With butter and salt and pepper

And sometimes cheese

You know

Or bacon

I crumble some

Bacon in that motherfucker

And a little bit of bacon grease

Hell yeah

Jesus

Did you take a cheese and mix with it?

You know what I want is poutine.

I still haven't had that. Dark Stranger, you get poutine.

Oh, yeah. We get the real

poutine.

That's Canadian, isn't it?

French-Canadian?

That you'd call a poutine.

With the French accent.

There's some supposedly awesome poutine

up in Vancouver, B.C.

Are there any, actually, speaking of

are there any Tim Hortons in

the Bay Area at all? No, no way.

Not that far. I don't know.

The thing is, there's, like, a ton in the northern U.S. now.

They've sort of infiltrated down from Canada.

Yeah, like, Buffalo has a bunch of them, I know.

My wife was in Buffalo a few months ago, and she saw her first Tim Hortons there, and she went in.

She said it was pretty good.

She had a good time.

Tim Hortons, Donuts, or whatever that one.

I don't go there.

I don't think it's that great.

You're Canadian.

Shouldn't you, like, always go there?

It's the Canadian Dunkin' Donuts, but it's, like, five times as popular.

Yeah.

They got Dunkin' Donuts and Hortons.

Hortons is real big.

Hortons has got this really bomb-ass hot pot toffee, man.

It's really good.

It's kind of like a coffee with mixed-up shit in it.

It's good.

Very good when you're needing something to pick you up.

Yeah, Dark Stranger only has coffee from fancy places.

That's why she's like, oh.

Starbucks.

Even McDonald's coffee, I think, is better than Tim Hortons

just because everyone's like, oh, it's Canadian, right?

Marketing.

Ken was saying there's a whole bunch of them up in Michigan.

Cool.

All right, there you go.

I'm sure you have something like that down in the U.S., don't you?

It's all marketing.

It's fucking Dunkin' Donuts at Starbucks.

Dunkin' Donuts?

Krispy Kreme.

But Krispy Kreme expanded really fast.

And, like, in the scope of five years, they, like, doubled their footprint.

And then they retracted it to less than what it is now.

Because everybody realized that donuts make you fucking fat.

Yeah.

They were really bad for you, but they were good.

But, yeah.

They're just way too sweet for you.

They've done everything good like that.

I've tried all of them.

They opened a Krispy Kreme about five years ago in Puerto Rico.

and there was like

three hour lines

to get inside of it

that's how crazy

they went over

they're that good

yeah

they're good

yeah

I'm not saying

they're good

big stores

oh actually

you can watch

and cook them

yeah

big stores

the sign comes out

put them in a dome

go down a little machine

down a little ramp

and run down

hit the oil

and it'll scoot on down

ramp it right back out of there

it's pretty bomb

you should watch videos

of when they first opened

McDonald's in Russia

that shit was crazy

oh yeah

they had lines

up the ass

people were like

oh this is like

the thing to do now

go to McDonald's

yeah

the original

Krispy Kreme glaze

That's the bomb, man. That's the simple, basic.

That's what started it all.

If you start from there, you can't get it wrong.

Have any of you ever had the Luther? I have yet to have one.

Everyone's pissed.

The hamburger? I don't care. The hamburger that's made

out of Krispy Kreme donuts and

it's a hamburger, right?

So the buns are Krispy Kreme?

Yeah, the buns are Krispy Kreme.

Yeah, I've heard of those.

I like White Castle's, man.

White Castle's, actually though, the best

donut is one that's actually made

in a fucking cop car.

They literally, on the old show Monster Garage,

they took a cop car, they literally put a whole donut assembly line,

they miniaturized it, but it started right behind the driver's seat

and went all the way around to the passenger side,

through the trunk and all that shit.

Where's this?

It was on Monster Garage.

Fuck, let me see if it's on YouTube at all.

Oh, okay.

I thought you meant like a donut, a literal car donut.

It literally was a donut baking machine that they put in a cop car.

Hot oil.

Hot oil, man, that's the way you gotta do donuts.

Once you get primed in that lard, that's shortening, motherfucker.

All right, look.

We're going to do a few more prank calls and call it a night.

Lonesome stopped sending in numbers.

I think he's sleeping.

He's got to work or something, so he's gone.

He's out of here on his ass.

Request a prank.

We did Porch Monkey's number already.

Security company that did not answer.

It was just a fax machine.

The 96 Collectors Edition Corvette we did also already.

I think we're out of numbers.

Yeah.

Oh, damn it.

UK Godfather.

We already called his stuff.

He gave us a bunch of random numbers.

I did those.

Yeah, I guess I'm done.

Zyklon, did you send something?

I can see you yelling in chat that they had a number that you're not calling.

You already sent us Milkman Needs a New Cab.

We already did that one.

All right.

Right.

Yeah, we're done.

I'm done.

Did you do Porchmonkey's request prank?

I did.

Yeah.

Who is yelling there?

Shut up, Porchmonkey.

I did.

It was a fax number.

It's in Detroit.

I'll do it again.

It was a fax.

It was a security company, I thought.

You stupid head.

Here's another one.

in hang on that's why he's still stupid a woman named chanel 12 to 14 pounds what oh a small

pecanese for sale or please return her someone took her dog out of her car what fucking christ

all right yeah whatever this will be the last one we'll torment the lady who's lost her her

usually don't go well but whatever try to meet you at the walmart parking lot

Tell them somebody dropped it off at the taxidermist and it's been stuffed.

You want them to find out if they're going to come and pay to pick it up.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

The Pekingese dog?

She's safe.

Yeah?

She's safe.

She's cool.

She's all right.

Yeah.

The Pekingese dog is?

Yeah, she's fine.

Don't worry about it.

Yeah.

She's fine?

Yeah, she's fine.

She's good.

Yeah, everything's fine.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I'm so worried.

Yeah, all right.

Is it our dog?

Probably, yeah.

Um, did you, I mean, did you just find her?

Well, no, God wouldn't let anything happen to that dog.

Everything's fine.

Everything's great.

Nothing bad's going to happen.

Don't worry about it.

I have faith.

Oh, okay.

I have faith in God.

I have faith in God that the dog isn't hurt or anything, you know.

So, where are you calling from?

Um, I just saw your posting and I saw the poor dog got kidnapped, you know.

Yeah.

Yeah, the dog's fine.

You're not happy about that, that I said that?

You just care about...

Well, what happened to me the last time was just, you know, my daughter's devastated.

You know, I have a sick girl's daughter that, you know, with her dog, and she comforts her.

She has a really bad disease.

Oh, no.

Well, I hope...

I'm sure the dog's fine.

There's no problem.

But you don't seem so excited that I said that I prayed for the dog and all that.

You don't care about...

No, no, no.

It's just, it's very late here.

It's 2 o'clock in the morning, and I was sleeping, so...

oh you thought you thought i found the stupid dog yeah oh yeah why did the dog run away did

you guys abuse it or anything or was it scared i don't know my daughter it actually got out the

front door oh why did she do that that's pretty stupid of her you know yeah yeah you know kids

in accidents but yeah thank you for your own you tell her you should have told her you stupid kid

that's now the dog is gonna die alone and cold because you want the door open well i thank you

for the phone call. You have yourself

a great night, okay? That's why we don't

leave the door open. Yeah, that's

it. Thank you. You should

have learned that before you got knocked out

with her, you know? Yeah, well, thank you.

You have a great night, okay? Alright, bye,

honey.

I felt bad. That's why I didn't want to

say, oh, yeah, the dog, we're gonna kill it.

No, I felt bad. Because I

imagine if my cats ran away. Stupid dog.

So the dog is in a better place

now. Yeah, the dog's fine, man.

I was hoping she'd get mad about that.

Like, you asshole, I thought you found the dog.

You got her right in the feels, for real.

Yeah, I poked her right in the feels.

But hey, hopefully, you know, guys, if you're out there, if you're in Detroit, Michigan,

and you see a small Pekingese dog of golden light brown fur, you know, let us know.

And we'll, maybe we can help out.

Ken, there you go.

You're near Detroit.

You go looking around for that dog.

That's your mission, Ken.

I read an article today that there are, I think it's over 20,000 stray dogs that roam Detroit in packs right now.

They're just like dogs that have been abandoned as the humans have been moving away and they're like roaming around in these wild packs.

There's nothing scarier than a pack of dogs.

I used to see that in Puerto Rico.

Every once in a while, the one neighbor, the one guy in the neighborhood, he had all these like Doberman pinchers and stuff and like Rottweilers.

and he'd, like, get home drunk and he'd, like,

he'd, like, come home and yell and open his

gates and be like, get the fuck out, you fucking

dogs! And they'd all run around the

neighborhood for a whole night and intimidate people.

It was really fucking bad.

The dogs would run around yelling, Jigga to Malewy!

No, that was, that was not, no,

they didn't do that. But they would, like, go around and they

would, like, fuck in front of every, all the houses

and then they'd, like, you know, they'd

bark, you know, and stuff. I don't know.

Alright, guys, I'm leaving. See you

guys. Bye, Dark Stranger. See ya.

All right, Milkman, take us out of here.

You mustard-eaten, put the mustard packet in your mouth,

and you break it with your teeth, and you squirt it in your mouth and eat it?

The hell are you babbling about now, man?

You. You do that with mustard packets. I know you do.

I like fried bologna sandwich with mustard on toast.

Yeah, right, right.

And with sprig of pine, sprig of pine on the side, man.

You still got a better flavor, you know.

Pine cone.

Well, there you go, folks.

Got another radical installment right here.

your favorite episode

of the Madhouse.

I'd like to thank

our numbers hit man

for dropping by

for a few minutes there

and dropping off

some good numbers.

Everybody submitted

numbers tonight.

Thank you so much.

All our request for pranks

and everybody

that's seen you drop by.

We had quite a gang

here to show up.

Thank you so much

everybody for showing up.

Even Dark Stranger.

Hey!

Also I'd like to thank

everybody over there

at Madhouse

in the Madhouse trap.

I'll show you

Knuckleheads over there.

Noonoo.

You keep up your

keep up your weapon.

You're doing a great job.

We love you.

And I'd like to thank everybody else that stopped by.

That's right, our friends and everybody that listens.

We do this every week.

Most of the after show you can find right here on the Internet.

That's right.

We drop the time.

We just ask you to give us a dime and call us in.

Anytime.

Bring your friends.

Bring your enemies.

Better yet, always welcome right here on the Madhouse.

I want to thank also our fearless leader, Hermanito.

What can we do without you, brother?

Saving lives one call at a time.

Yeah, there you go

Thanks Milkman, I guess you're done

Yay, thanks everyone

You just got quiet there

All of a sudden

I muted because I was laughing

Okay, alright guys

Hey, thanks for being here with us tonight

We'll be back on next week

I'll probably do a show Tuesday afternoon

Milkman, you should try to show for one of those shows

Man, those Tuesday shows

Let me know dude

You don't ever tell me in advance

until, like, pretty well, like, the day of.

If I know ahead of time, I'll cry and be accommodating, you know?

Like, I might be able to do it while I'm out.

I don't have to accommodate for you.

You have to accommodate for me.

All right.

I might be able to be accommodating.

I have a limitation.

You got all the green lights, you know?

Yeah.

All right.

Well, thanks, everyone, regardless.

And we'll be on Thursday as well.

We'll have good numbers, too, tonight, man.

Thanks.

This is a great place to do it.

It's a good time.

Thanks, everyone, for listening to us over at madhouselive.com.

I'm also on the PLA stream at phone losers.org and blue planet prank radio as

well.

We'll leave you guys for the night.

Enjoy your weekend.

Bye.

Calls (37, 1 h 13 min of 2 h 13 min)

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