The Stupid Baby Fund

I, I, fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making a stupid comment.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

You're not perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Taking the world.

Force.

98.6.

No.

Have a dragon roll.

What do you say?

I want hot dogs.

I am going to be hanging up right now.

I want hot dogs.

Once again, you can call my regional manager.

Her number is 714-319-8837.

Thank you so much.

Come on.

People, good evening.

Thanks for hanging out.

I'm waiting for our late start.

Those of you who catch us live, this is Madhouse Radio for Thursday, August the 29th.

With me here, as usual, is Milkman.

Milkman.

Hello, Milkman.

All right, Milkman.

Hermanito!

Fue que fue!

How you doing, my brother?

Long time no see.

Yeah.

I hear that you're back amongst the world again out here,

saving lives one call at a time, man.

One call at a time.

It's good news, man.

You got good news?

Hello?

Yeah, what?

Okay, no, I'm not sure if you're copying me or not.

I said I got some good news.

What's that?

i got s off on my uh on the evo now altivo you got soft you got what s off what's that

what's it's it's a s off what is it damn you oh okay it's completely open the phone is completely

open i can flash the firmware i can do everything now okay good i had to go the adb way but you know

hey man is it overpaying the ass way but found one and it worked whatever you got to do to find

and a bootloader to do that with man that's life of an android router good work and check it out

dude you'll like okay it's so like didn't nope sir man i ran onto this on on uh when i was trying

to do some research thirty dollars man and they'll remotely connect to you and boot it for you man

completely crack the thing really you hear me i don't know three dollars man they cracked it

remotely i don't know if i trust that that's kind of weird man really dude it worked it fucking

worked dude they're professionals man 30 you paid 30 for them to hit up your phone remotely

so they rooted your phone remotely how did they rooted it and flashed it remotely really dude

they did it remotely and we're team cut it in and out buddy or what if i could call a team

TeamView or some shit.

TeamViewer.

He went through this thing called TeamView.

Okay, TeamViewer.

Yeah, I've heard of it.

Yes, I know what TeamViewer is.

Okay, yeah.

Okay, some kind of...

It's kind of like LogMain, but different.

You know, different.

Some kind of must be competitive version of LogMain.

It is.

It's...

I thought TeamViewer was open source, I think.

But yeah, okay.

I dig.

It was pretty...

And because, like...

And I was sitting watching the whole thing,

so, like, I learned the whole process, right?

And I even saved most of the files again

for reversing it, too,

looking at how to do it again.

but now i got s obviously so i can do anything i want i can flash the firmware up or down or

any of that fun this was the problem i was having but what is the radios were fucked up

and man oh my goodness i found these couple new builds have you seen anything with 4.3 on it yeah

4.3 no i don't even know what i've got i think i've got 4.23 or something i don't have 4.3

Yeah, everybody got, like, 4.0, and got the 4.1, and now they're 1.1, and, you know, and then it's, like, 2, so I got 2.2, and then finally 3.

I got one with 3 on it.

That shit's pretty cool, man.

It's, like, it's called Beanstalk, and it is fast as fuck.

I think I know what you're talking about as far as the 4.3.

I think it was just an incremental update, though, but there wasn't much change to it with 4.3.

Yeah, it isn't to a new letter yet, but it's like getting to the end of the letters now, of the letter J.

You know, it's weird because they haven't, Google hasn't announced what the next one really is yet.

I'm wondering what they're going to pick.

I heard they want to repaste those names with some kind of number system.

Well, yeah, if you remember the last two that came out, Jelly Bean and Ice Cream Sandwich,

there was like barely any time in between.

It was like six, seven months between announcements.

And now they've been, I think it's been about a year and a half now since Jelly Bean came out.

It's been at least a year since Jelly Bean came out.

Ice cream sandwich and Jelly Bean ran through.

I think it was about a year each, approximately.

Ice cream sandwich was the big change, and Jelly Bean was like the solidification of it.

Yeah, it was like Vista to Windows 7.

For me, okay, remember, okay, see, I was on different carriers, so my time was shorter.

so that's why i'm telling you year and a year for me you're right for you it was different because

you had a longer you got it first i think your carrier was early adopting well i was flashing

it dude that's why i was i was flashing it uh i always root and i always root my phone within

24 hours of having it you know what i mean any android phone i have 24 hours in it's it's rooted

and it's got some kind of custom firmware on it for sure uh yeah there you go hey man get it

That 4.3 looks nice, dude.

It's really crisp looking.

And, like, the menu thing changes kind of like, it kind of like stacks the windows vertically.

And you slide them off to the right, you know, like just grab them and you rip them to the right.

And they got, like, a little name of each one, bright, you know, bright white over a dark black background.

So you can see exactly what it is, whether it's the application or browser, whatever, man.

It's really organized, man.

It started looking a lot cooler, man.

I don't got all the reports, but much easier user interface, much more intuitive.

Do you have the nested Windows on your phone?

Because I can do that on mine.

I think it does.

I haven't activated it yet.

Do you have the phone?

They said something about the single pane and having the pane and whatever.

Do you have the phone?

I got this one called Polo or some shit.

Hey, listen.

This one has got a set of engines.

And you talk about rad, man.

It's got Sony acid.

it it's got a whole bunch of like sony processor on it and it is nice man do you have your phone

with you yeah hold down the back key see what that does hold just hold it down tap it and hold

it down that should come up with like a little circle thing on the side if you have it if you

have the the android version of it like they're you're talking about holo then that's what that

little blue thing is i don't yeah i know what you're talking i didn't know what the fuck that

thing was yeah drag that over and you'll see it depends the app has to support it but like for

What I was seeing was like a shortcut to whatever processes you're running.

Instead of running the window, it was like a little dot with it.

You could see what process, and as soon as you hit it, you could, like, swipe whatever angle to what you wanted, what I saw.

Okay. Okay, buddy.

I don't know. I'll give you a better report on it.

Like I said, I just got all this shit done last night, and so I've been, like, doing a lot of work on it.

And so, but, yeah, man, good news, my man.

And for $30, it wasn't a bad deal.

I mean, they've got professionals out there.

I was really surprised, but actually I followed the whole thing,

and they did it very, very professionally and quickly, and I was very impressed, man.

Yeah, now that they got that malware on there, their remote malware, that's great.

Hey, man, I don't have no problem with malware, because I already flashed something new onto it, man.

You know, it's gone.

Okay, trust that.

Yeah, sure.

I'm sure they didn't think about that.

All right, man.

All right, good luck with that.

I'm just saying, that's a very poor decision, Milkman.

and I'm really offended.

I'm surprised.

I'm sorry.

I'm surprised that you would do something like that.

It was a very easy and wise decision, man, because, like...

30 bucks?

You paid 30 bucks to get that done to your phone?

I do that.

I've been doing that for free to my phone since, like, the first Android 4 came out.

Do you remember me requesting you about two years ago to help me with this,

and you couldn't figure it out either, and I couldn't either,

because they didn't have a root for a long time?

Because it was that stupid HTC phone that you had that no one gave it to you.

There you have it.

So I went and I got it done.

I told you to get a Galaxy S4.

You didn't listen to me.

Yeah, it was worth it, man, because now I know how to do it.

I watched him do it.

I know which technique to do, and I understand the ADB.

Now the Android was a diagnostic bridge.

Okay, man.

I'm just saying.

Whatever.

Hey, guys.

Look, send in your request to Pranks.

The website is madhouselife.com.

We're going to stop talking about Milkman's phone now.

Okay?

Congratulations on the phone.

but as the time is up no more hey that was okay yeah yeah it's new new saying it's not a phone

show okay which it isn't it's not the phone show that's brad phone jack you know you can jack me

when i talk about the phone all right so we're waiting for lonesome loser to come in a little

later here with some numbers to help us out with as usual uh but i am going to uh head over to

a request to prank and see what we've got there that's come in during the week we do have some

numbers here from ken it looks like as well as from some other people earlier today and we have

some numbers from the 27th that we can get to also here that were sent in by different people

although that's a voicemail yeah i heard those voicemails we got some voicemails left but they

didn't say anything but they were from the uk it was pretty funny okay uh ken sent in a number for

For Gary and Eric, they look like the ultimate douchebag roommate.

You must look at the ad.

Okay, they were nice enough to take pictures of their tin-foiled stove and the toilet, Milkman.

Very nice.

Let's have a look at that.

Okay, yeah, I see they've got pictures, and there's, like, a very nice ad.

This is, like, the best-made Craigslist ad I've ever seen.

Holy crap, it's really good looking here.

They took two pictures of the toilet.

They took a long picture of the bathroom with the toilet in it,

and then they took an up-close picture of the toilet.

They also have, yeah, a picture of their stove

that is completely covered in tinfoil on the top.

I'm looking at that.

What else?

They got a picture of them hanging out in the kitchen.

There's a picture of them hanging out with their legs crossed on a bench somewhere.

And then there's, like, this artsy-fartsy collage picture of them

explaining that one of them is moving out, I guess.

And a fake cigar.

Cigar. I have a real cigar.

Milkman, it's been a while since I've had a cigar, and I have a cigar tonight.

I'm so excited. I'm going to have one a little later in the show.

I've got an Alec Bradley.

Alec Bradley Prensado.

It's a good smoke.

What ring size is it?

I don't know the ring size, man.

I don't know. It's about 5'5".

You're Mr. Cigar Man.

I can ask you one good question.

okay what is the shape it's about five spaces it's like five okay it's about like a five about

about like a five space uh penile objective yeah it's a prince it's a prince it's a prince

so it's like a box yeah smoke a smoke a dog dirt lasser prince lashy okay milkman uh so anyway

let's call these roommates why don't we hi yes calling the roommates just a moment can't play

the music by itself for too long or we'll get

flagged on YouTube. We'll have to be talking

over it in order to not violate

their terms of service.

What they end up doing is muting the section

of the video that has the

music. Or it'll get

blocked in Germany. It's really weird, this

YouTube thing, man. It'll get blocked

in Germany. It's so fucked up.

It's like, why Germany? If we violate

an EMI song, if it's an EMI

song, blocked in Germany

instantly.

I think Sony songs, like, you end up, you don't get blocked except for on mobile.

Like, it'll say, like, this video will not be able to be played on mobile versions of YouTube.

And if you try to open in your Android, if you go to the Madhouse site and you try to play that video,

it actually comes up and says the owner of this video has not made it available on mobile.

It's not that I haven't.

If you guys are trying that, don't bitch at me.

It's not that I, it says that I haven't enabled it for mobile.

That's not what I've done at all.

it's fucking it's got a copyright claim which lets it which bans it just from mobile phones

i don't know what the mentality of that is unless it's that sony has some kind of weird app

where they want to stream music and they think you doing it on youtube on mobile is competition

that's my only guess but that's uh youtube update for you know what i mean milkman hey milkman let's

play a prank call from last week you only caught like the very end of it um this has to do with uh

we're not going to mention the name but it's that competitive service to taxi cabs you know what i

mean the open source taxi cab company you know what i'm talking about buddy oh okay oh okay okay

all righty then all righty then don't sound too excited actually i don't even think i have it

they might not be able to do it never mind i thought i thought i had a copy of it on me

mean i don't have let's make a deborah mansfield call out of it it's a bocce if you're listening

deborah mansfield out of it tabachi if you're listening i'm not calling deborah mansfield

tabachi if you're listening drop uh drop that prank and drop box real quick for me if you could

so i thought it was in there and it's not you sent me a direct link and i don't i don't have

the mental capacity to get the direct link real quick thank you um i'm gonna try a different

number here actually we'll try that last one again moving really slow tonight right we'll

pick up steam here later to be honest i woke up about a half hour from when the show was supposed

to start and i had to wait you know i had to caffeinate and stuff like that and that's why

i started a half hour late you see you had to fire up a fatty first man well yeah you gotta get

inspired you know you gotta talk the job i'm saying man you gotta talk the job milkman that's

right roll your bogey jaw bless yeah jaw bless how are you i and i all right hey you see you

You got a roommate you guys are getting rid of?

He's got some problems there?

What happened?

Are you sleeping?

What's going on, buddy?

Are you asleep?

No.

What happened?

Oh, you have a roommate you're getting rid of?

You're looking for a roommate?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

What happened with roommate?

Is he just moving?

No, he just decided to move out.

What an asshole, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll totally come in, man.

Now, do you have, is there like a gym there at all?

or do you guys have like a bench or anything uh no we don't have a gym you know can i i have a

weight bench can i bring that in and i've got a treadmill would that be cool is there room for

that i told you guys could totally use it all you want we can work out together good you know

we can go to church that's what i call it i'm a personal trainer i'll teach you how to work

out and everything yeah i believe you can do that yeah cool yeah that's cool i'm 22 years old you

You know?

Okay.

We're about, I'm about, I'm 27.

Wow.

And I'm the other two roommates.

That's cool.

One is about 25 and another one is about that age.

I do modeling and I work out really and take care of my body, you know?

Okay.

You guys have a blender or should I, I use my roommate's blender now so I don't have

my own.

You got a blender I can use for my protein shakes or should I buy one?

I can get one for like 20 bucks.

Well, if you take care of it, we do have one.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, one of our roommates has one, and I don't think he, you know, can use it.

You guys have peanut allergies?

Nope.

That's good.

All right.

And, hey, so how many toilets are there?

I see you have pictures of, two pictures of toilets.

Is there one toilet or two?

We do have two toilets, but we have four rooms.

And then one room, one toilet is attached to them.

in the master bedroom so it's going to be free person sharing the remaining bathroom okay all

right so three people in one bathroom really yeah all right and do they is there i'm hoping

there's a rule like or can we start a rule where you have to sit down when you go pee

so that the pee doesn't get all over the seat and on the floor no we don't we don't care about that

we're pretty good about it all right and you guys are right because i i like to

to work out barefoot and naked and all that sometimes like sometimes if you guys aren't

around you know i'll do that but if in case you guys walk in on me and stuff like that you know

like you get home and i'm maybe i'm on the treadmill with no clothes on i mean you guys

aren't shy like that i mean is it cool like can i walk around with a towel around my waist and

stuff like that like you know if we're sharing a bathroom right yeah we're good do you guys ever

walk around with your uh you know like your towels are on your waist and stuff after you

get out of the bathroom i don't usually do that but that happens sometimes yeah it's hot right

that's cool and then i wanted to bring i got about 10 webcams that i put around uh i put around in

every just about every room like in the living room by the computer in the bedroom and all that

the bathroom kitchen i put up about 10 like these remote webcams and it ties into my computer my

my macbook and that's for my for my other job you know i do like webcam stuff you know people

watch me what i'm doing you know i broadcast my life basically you know so i i walk around with

my you know towel around my waist and you know other men are out there watching that's why i

said i'm a model you know um i do stuff like that would you guys be all right you guys can totally

to be a part of it you know i'm looking at your i'm looking at your pictures here you guys look

pretty good you know i'll put these webcams up and and you get money you get paid money people

pay to see you and you can do one-on-one videos no you talk about how you're feeling and if you

want to touch parts of yourself and show yourself you can it's up to you whatever you want to do

i don't know about that though you show your breasts yeah your chests you know you can show

So your chest, so your, yeah.

You sound like you have a nice, smooth.

Which one are you in these pictures, boy?

Which one?

Yeah, but which one of the four?

There's four arranged in this little collage.

I love this collage.

You guys did a great job with this.

Yeah.

Which one are you?

Yeah, I see the four of you, plus the guy, including the guy that's leaving.

Which one of these is you?

Just tell me.

Do you know the picture I'm talking about that's on Craigslist?

Yeah.

All right, so which one of those is you?

I'm asking you a question in English.

I know.

And why don't you want to answer?

What's wrong?

You shy?

Yes.

Which one are...

Come on, tell me.

Are you the guy...

Are you the first guy with the glasses?

Who's glasses boy?

Glasses?

Sorry, the one I was leaving.

No, there's two on here with glasses.

There's one with sunglasses.

glasses there's one with eyeglasses with a mickey mouse thing in the background is that you no he's

the ugly one we don't want to have we don't want to have him on the webcam you know okay yeah all

right look buddy you're boring me i'm not having fun here this isn't going anywhere okay you take

care you have a good night i'm sorry i bothered you please forgive me okay all right asshole what

What a lame fucking number.

What a lame fucking guy.

What a lame fucking call.

Tabachi reporting that it's time to check the, what is it called?

Oh, Jesus.

The fucking drop box.

The new UK flooding alert.

The drop box, asshole.

No, don't be smart, Milkman.

You are not smart.

This one is called Angry Twitter Taxi.

Brand new from Madhouse Radio.

Here you go.

Not brand new.

This is from last week's show.

Milkman, you missed most of this, but you're going to get a kick out of it, okay?

All right.

Hey, I heard the Bay Bridge is closing down or something.

Did that happen already?

All right.

Great.

Yes, hello.

Is this Lindy?

Yes, you can hear me.

I'm calling from Customer Service Complaints Department.

Okay.

And what seems to be the issue?

You sent an email here about a bad experience you had?

Yeah, I sent several emails.

Can you just read what the problem is?

I don't feel like reading it right now.

No, can you just explain it to me, please?

I just came back.

It's 10.30 at night here, so it's a little bit late for you to call me and expect me to explain to you, you know, you don't feel like reading?

You know what?

You're banned from the service, and we're going to sue you for slander because of this Twitter comments that you've been putting online also.

Excuse me?

I'm absolutely—

No, it's not.

In fact, you are legally posting misleading deals.

It took me $20 off of my first slide.

That's what it said.

It said nothing about the type.

It said nothing about any kind of detail.

In fact, there was no even link I could click on to read the fine print.

There was zero fine print.

Oh, it's there.

That is false advertising and misleading advertising.

It's there.

It's there, young lady.

It's there.

You know what?

Asshole customers just read what they want to read.

Excuse me?

Asshole customers just read what they want to read on the website and in the app.

This is Bill, and I'm with Customer Service Relations.

And I want you, I want to, we took a cached version of this.

Even if you go into your Twitter account and try to delete it, we have the evidence here.

I didn't know you could delete it.

I said, well, sure, it happens.

So please, try to sue me for slander.

I'm speaking the truth.

And if you have a lawsuit coming, I will find every single person who this,

you have enough to call me at 1030 at night and call me an asshole.

I said asshole cussing.

Who are you?

I didn't correct you.

This is also considered phone harassment.

You asked me to come.

Good for you to know.

You told me.

You have the nerve to tell me you're going to sue me for slander?

You clearly have no legal knowledge.

How is it harassment?

You're in violation of several laws.

Shut up.

You don't know what you're talking about.

Listen, we have so many lawyers.

I am going to sue you for every penny you have.

I'm sure you do.

Please.

I'm going to sue you for every penny you have.

I'm calling you from my Blackberry, and I got the call that this needs to be taken care of.

I'm on call.

I'm the on-call legal representative here.

You have the nerve to try to tell me you're an on-call legal representative

because then you know better than to have the nerve to call me at 1030 at night and call me an asshole.

Asshole customer.

That's a harassment.

Asshole customer.

There's a difference.

Excuse me.

Hey, I would not delete my Twitter feed.

Slander, it's a...

Well, in my right, not only reports.

That's what Twitter is for.

It is a fact, too lousy, that you misrepresented yourself, which is...

Please try to sue me for slander.

Please.

What a bitch.

Please do.

You ought to hear...

And now you're calling me a bitch?

You ought to hear this bitch up in the head.

Oh, I thought I had you on mute.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, so what?

Listen, if I cared so much about my feelings, I would work at a teddy bear factory if I was you.

That's the information you gave to contact you on your account.

You see what I mean?

You see?

It's in the terms of service.

You see what I mean?

You asshole customers read what you want to read.

Okay, that you asked to be called because you had a problem.

you're pretty dumb you're pretty dumb oh yeah man that's the call milkman milkman that's the call

the call that i was telling you about motherfucker hope you enjoyed it don't know if you're listening

because you're not saying anything you penis hey

how you doing, you penis?

Good evening.

Salaam alaikum.

What did you say?

How you doing, you penis?

How you doing, you crazy penis?

What did you say?

How are you doing, you crazy penis?

What are you saying?

Well, you know, you're a crazy penis.

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

It's a term of endearment.

I don't know who this is.

Oh, sure you don't.

Okay.

You penis.

May I help you?

Yes, I'm calling about the penis.

I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.

Do you have any information about the male sexual organ?

I don't know what you're talking about.

You don't know what penis is?

I don't know what you're talking about, sir.

Okay, so you don't have a penis.

Do you speak English?

You don't have a penis, and you don't know how to use it.

Do you speak English?

Yes.

Would you please speak English?

Maybe I could understand you.

As-salamu alaykum, my brother.

I'm sorry.

I don't understand you.

You're not clear.

Okay.

Sure, man.

That's pretty rude.

I'm asking you for help.

Is there anything else I can do for you, sir?

I was actually involved in something.

What were you involved in?

Some sex?

Some oral sex?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I can't understand you.

Are you involved in...

For that reason, I'm going to hang up the telephone.

Are you involved...

Thank you for calling, and please feel free to call again.

And you're involved in vaginal penetration?

National Center.

Hey, how you doing, you penis?

How are you?

National Center machine.

Man, they hung right up.

We also lost the milkman here in the process, I believe.

Milkman, come back, you penis.

Yeah.

Hey, how you doing, you penis?

How you doing?

I had a few questions.

See, I can't call these guys penis because they hang right up.

They don't like to be called penis.

Penis.

You have reached the voice mailbox of five.

Of five.

Number five.

Number five is beef and brockery.

All right, moving right along, motherfucker.

This is a horrible show so far.

Very, very unexciting show.

All right, let's call a number in the UK at random here.

Let's see what kind of flower that produces, what kind of female buds come from that.

Hey, Milkman.

Still no Milkman.

Sucks, man.

Sucks without Milkman, man.

Man, man, man, man, man.

Hey, how are you?

Is that Miss Abernathy?

Hello?

Good night.

No, no, no.

There you go.

There, she got it.

Took her long enough.

Hey, it took you a long time to hang up that phone.

Why does that happen?

Do you not see it?

Why did it take so long?

All right.

Didn't take her that long that time.

Just calling her off.

God, it took so long to hang up the stupid phone, right?

Baz asking to save some numbers for David Sons.

Yeah, these are last week's numbers I'm doing again, Baz.

So we're good, man.

Don't worry.

I haven't cut into this week's numbers at all yet, buddy.

And yeah, I always save those UK numbers because you guys seem to love them so much.

I like to recall these numbers because a lot of them in the week, you know,

they've stewed a little bit if I had a good prank against them.

And a lot of them that don't answer, maybe they answer this week.

You know what I mean?

You know, maybe they wake up this time.

They're not in such a deep sleep.

What is it?

It's 4.07 a.m. over there in the U.K. now, I think.

Hello?

Hey, what time is it?

It's like 4 in the morning over there, right?

Just hang right up.

Hello?

Your call cannot be taken at the moment, so please leave.

Hello?

Let's move back over to requests.

You know what?

Let's just do some swap shop calls.

How about that?

had a pretty good show on tuesday guys it's edited i'm just in the process of doing some

final edits to it right now and that'll be uploaded it was going to be uploaded today

uh but i i i couldn't fell asleep i uploaded one episode i uploaded last thursday's episode

to the madhouse prank cast this uh this morning so if you are uh missing out on that you can

and download that now and uh the next one is already edited i'm just in the process of finishing

the synopsis for it i had written it down in notepad on my computer here and i rebooted before

tonight's show started and i didn't save it so now i gotta try to remember what was on it we had that

twitter taxi call that we just played that was on it trying to think what else we did last week we

had a few good things we had a good charlie call we talked to charlie for the first time in a long

long time we had that one yeah anyway uh last week's show i mean uh tuesday's show was good

i kept calling georgia and we were calling i was calling the ghetto area you know talking to

churches and stuff that's pretty cool i asked for the magical beans long story you got you got to be

there you got to be there it's on youtube go check it out okay swap shop numbers that's what i said i

i was gonna do let's see what we got here uh there's a huge yard sale thursday friday saturday

they got antiques old bottles clothes furnitures tools christmas items and they're right beside a

farm okay sounds like a big thing down there as big news in that city this is a small city in

tennessee that we call once a week people post ads for things for sale and we call them and

talk about the things i ask how big beagle's sexual organs are stuff like that you guys have

heard them yes hey you have that uh yard sale with me you have that yard sale yard sale yard sale

hello hello woman pardon me pardon me i don't know maybe i just have a bad connection or something

right you think that's what it is i disconnected milkman from the call maybe it's on his end i

I don't know.

I don't know, man.

Maybe I'll have to restart Skype.

Sucks.

If so.

We got Lisa here who's looking for farm animals, chickens, goats, ducks, a pony.

They want to get rid of cheap or free.

Give her a call.

They're going to go to a good home.

Looks like someone's trying to start a nice little farm over there.

Petting zoo.

Yeah, you can pet the horsies.

Sounds good, man.

That sounds good.

I'd like to start a farm.

If I had a farm, yeah.

Yeah, I'd have some chickens, a few goats, because goats are funny.

Goats are like, you know, they got attitude.

I like them.

Ducks are fun as hell.

Ducks, like, walk around.

They're so cool.

Ducks kick ass.

They're like, you know, they waddle.

They look so stupid and cute.

Yeah, definitely got to have chickens, you know, the rooster to wake you up.

Got to have a cow.

A cow that just moos really loud, like my grandpa's cow.

My grandfather had a few cows, and they all moo really loud all morning.

So annoying.

Hey, this is you know what to do.

Out the town.

Hi, this is Lacey.

Let me try to call her again.

That's what I know what to do is to call you again, honey baby.

Honey baby.

Hey, this is you know what to do.

Okay.

Nothing, I guess, Lacey.

Thanks for not picking up, bitch.

Had a really good idea for that about the mook house.

Multifamily yard sale.

Here's a different yard sale.

Well, they don't have a phone number.

Never mind.

We got a dog kennel for sale.

Dog kennel.

50 bucks.

The Johnsons are selling a dog kennel.

They didn't put the area.

you know this is a small town when they don't put the area code in their ad all right i don't know

does everybody have i thought everyone pretty much has to do 10 digit dialing now where you

have to do the area code and phone number every time at least in big cities i mean orlando had

that back in 1999 is when that started became mandatory in 2000 yeah the city i uh people in

chat room are updating their status on the nine digit is the 10 10 digit dialing um the city

here locally doesn't do it it's funny like yeah i don't know i don't be honest with you i don't

know because my phone is still tied to orlando i still have a 407 number so i have to do the

area code no matter what every time uh but if i try to like you can if you try to call locally

people locally only give out the that's the the um the seven digits uh here in this town i've

noticed that's like the thing you only give out the seven digits i don't know if the area code

code is implied or you don't have to but no matter what i always have to if i pick up myself and i

try to do a dial the number without the area code locally it says it can't go through i don't know

i don't have a landline to test it out either so fuck it let's continue doing more prank calls

guys send in your requests if you can because what i got here to go with right now is floundering

unfortunately jose asking if he can join the fantasy football league no sir i'm sorry the

The Fantasy Football League is locked at 12 spots.

I think that's too many, but it's to honor the people who were in last year.

We're not going to kick anybody out arbitrarily.

We had one spot open that went to Baz, and that's it.

The draft is tomorrow at 11 p.m.

Just less than 24 hours from now, we'll be doing our Fantasy Football draft.

It should be wrapping up about this time tomorrow.

I'm excited about that.

RBCP wants me to call back the Twitter lady.

lady call her back and apologize for prank calling her let her know it was a prank i want to see how

accepting she is of that all right why not let's try it has anybody else been calling her all week

i don't know i think brad made an effort not to make sure that number didn't get leaked back out

so i think we're okay there let's try i do know she she did post on twitter that the police had

been in her house over it so i'm a little nerd leery about it but what the fuck all in good fun

all right oh you've reached no answer guys no answer sorry brad she's not answering dude i tried

i tried all right we'll move on here with the show i'm gonna light my live my cigar here for

good luck maybe we'll have a little better luck here coming up so what do you guys got going on

this weekend huh you guys got any plans out there i hope you guys have a great weekend sounds like

i'm wrapping up the show i'm not i'm just saying i hope you know you guys behave be good on the

the weekend all right man i really wanted to talk to her too i really wanted to try that

brad sorry might have to call from a different number i think to get her to answer now unless

it's because people have been fucking with her i don't know man i'm on the mood for like a

sandwich not a big unhealthy sandwich a lot of mayo on it some red onion raw red onion yeah man

all right uh kelly is a general manager who was who fired a bunch of people lately she just had

had a baby the other managers and it gives me the names uh okay all right cool this one comes from

marijuana who sends in the number for a mean firing manager bitch i'm telling her i'm from

the news can't join irc says jose did we max out slots already enigma's getting a enigma's gonna

set up a new server with like 200 something slots so we should be okay don't worry about it

I need to speak with, oh, what's her name?

Kelly, the GM.

Well, yeah, she on leave?

Maybe she won't come back, right?

She's having that stupid baby of hers, right?

It's a stupid baby.

No, no, she had a test done and she found out it's a stupid baby.

Yeah, she just had it done.

She just got the results today.

Matt, who is this?

This is Eddie.

I've got some friends that work there.

We were roommates and stuff.

I know all about, you know, the store gossip.

I know all about it.

So, yeah, we called her doctor and impersonated someone

and said we wanted to see about the baby.

And they said, yeah, the baby's got a mental stupid thing like that.

that he had a prenatal test and that they see that they had her the doctor had her

naked and spread her legs and inserted a probe and attested and that the baby came back that

it's stupid yeah that's great well let everyone know about that you know maybe we wanted to get

a card going you know and get a gift certificate for home depot or something like that for her

right because of what happened we think it's appropriate to get her a gift certificate for

for Home Depot or, like, Chili's, you know?

Okay.

She can go to Chili's with her family and have a nice meal and have some drinks, you know,

not have to worry about paying for it because they said it's going to cost a lot of money

to have a stupid baby, you know?

Mm-hmm.

Ellis is not stillborn, you know?

Right.

Was there somebody else you want to talk to, sir?

Who else is there?

Is Kelly isn't here?

Who else is there?

Is Brian there?

Nope.

Is there anyone else there?

Anyone in particular else?

Any other guys?

Are any of the guys there right now?

I don't know who the guys are, sir.

Security.

Let me talk to security.

Security.

Yeah.

Give me just a moment.

All right, cool.

I was getting into the music.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Thank you for calling.

For store hours, press 1.

How can I help you?

Man, like, I'm waiting on someone in security to answer the phone.

What's going on?

Right.

I held for a few minutes.

That's not right.

At least you should come back and let me know how it's going to be, you know?

And apparently he was working with a couple other customers.

What is he doing?

He's checking the receipts and all that?

Yes, he is.

Can you tell him to hurry up?

I mean, may I ask what in regards you were calling about, sir?

It's between me and that person.

It's not about you.

You're obviously not interested in what I have to say and need to talk to him.

Hey, this is from Asset Protection.

Hey, how you doing?

Hey, buddy.

Hey, so, yeah, man, did you hear what happened?

The what?

Well, her baby, she had the test, and they came back that it's going to be a stupid baby.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, she just found out today.

We called the doctor to find out what happened, and they said that her baby's going to be a stupid baby.

So we were trying to see about getting a gift certificate to Chili's or Home Depot or something like that for her to help her out because of that, just to show we're sorry it's a stupid baby.

Okay.

So since you're there in the front, I thought you'd be maybe the best person.

And since you're, you know, an asset protection, you know, maybe you could be the guy to collect the money.

I was going to make a shoebox, you know, with a hole in the top.

And I was going to have my daughter decorate it that says, sorry, you're stupid, baby.

You know, this is a stupid baby fund.

Okay.

And even some of the, you know, some of the customers, some of the regulars and all,

and be like, hey, man, put a dollar, you know, we can say, you want to donate a dollar at

the register, we'll say, do you want to donate a dollar, and they're like, for what, and

you say, for the stupid baby fund.

Yeah, I'm going to put you on hold for a second, sir, hold on.

Uh, why?

Abortion in the back room, are you crazy, Satan?

Only Satan will bring that up.

Okay, you there, sir?

Yeah, what happened?

Sorry about that.

Where were you?

I had a problem, I had another phone call.

Um, okay, can I get your name?

This is Eddie.

I'm roommates with some of the guys there, you know.

You're Eddie?

Yeah.

Who are you roommates with?

Well, some of the guys there.

I don't want to get them in trouble or nothing like that.

How are you going to get them in trouble?

We're doing something nice, right?

Well, I'm going to do it nice because, you know, it's because we weren't supposed to

call her doctor and get this information, you know.

Okay.

Like, we knew something was wrong.

We didn't know what.

So, we called.

She'd probably be upset if she knew we violated her privacy like that, you know.

Okay.

I got you.

I said, I got Mr. Kelly, and I want to know, you know, like that.

Okay.

Yeah.

So I'll come in with the shoebox.

Are you there?

You're not going to be there much longer tonight, right?

No, I'm not.

Are you there?

Are you in tomorrow?

I won't be here tomorrow.

Oh, good.

You think I just leave the shoebox there?

I'll notify.

I'll let the manager know that you're coming in, and then...

And that it's for the stupid baby fund.

We can take care of this.

All right.

Remember, say that part, stupid baby fund.

You have a great day.

Hey, you too.

It's night, though, stupid.

not day it's night all right cool stupid baby fun thank you for calling me i can help you real

quick be sure to tell the guy's security that um that it's the stupid baby fun and also that it's

he said have a good day it's night you know it's already night time right okay i'll let him know

have a good night he might be confused let him know that it's night time he should be saying

have a good night okay yeah i appreciate it all right andre bye have a good night yeah you too

stupid he's like oh yeah yeah sure we'll get right on that okay why does server get full

jill ass because it's i'm stupid that's why because i'm a stupid cream street 2 yeah that

was the soundtrack to cream street 2 they play there on hold okay a horse machine says in the

uk we got a guy who's lost a cat he's a major league stoner so he'll definitely be up at this

time and then he just confirmed that yes he is up all right let's do it poor guy lost his cat

let's fuck with him right yeah why not that's the nice thing to do call is failing because i don't

have a country code fucking shit i gotta think of what the country code is there buddy um it's plus

four four that's what i do right yeah try that again i think i gotta type the plus and all that

shit's fucking stupid hang on a moment guys yeah it looks to be right plus four four and then i get

Get rid of the Zolar.

Leave a message.

Fearless this year.

Be fearless, maybe.

Be fearless.

That's what she said.

Be fearless this year.

All right, guys.

Look, I got to get some waters.

So I'm going to play a prank call or two here real quick while I go stretch my legs.

We'll check on the cat over here because he's making weird noises.

Okay.

Here is, uh, we're going to play a Zolar prank call called, uh, it's when he called

Live Links.

He, uh, there's a certain person that keeps requesting this.

uh it says sings i don't want to hear singing maybe it's funny though i don't know dude and

this here is uh for those of you who are asking uh on twitter this is rjd2 that i've been playing

for the last few weeks in the background of the shows rjd2 is pretty good you know i still yeah

i still got love for mf doom of course man doom's fucking legend he's one of my favorite hip-hop

artists and he's friends with the thing is doom is also like he's down with like some of my

favorite hip-hop artists as well like ghostface ghostface is probably my favorite hip-hop artist

of all time ever since i was in high school ever since when i when i first heard wu-tang i was like

that ghostface cat's cool and he came out with his own stuff and the shit's just really fucking

awesome i like ghosts i haven't seen him in concert he's really cool that's a whole story

for another time here's zolar's prank call i'll be right back after i hydrate thank you

Oh, louder, louder, louder, player.

Ah, ah, ah, player.

A little bit louder, player, louder.

Big Papa, Big Papa, I love you big.

I love when you come in, Big Papa, Big Papa, I love when you come in, Big Papa, Big Papa.

Oh, I love it.

Stick your fingers in your asshole now, okay?

Big Papa, Big Papa, keep singing it, baby.

Big Papa, Big Papa, Big Papa, I love you, Big Papa.

Say, biggie, biggie, biggie, can't you see?

Somehow your cock just hypnotized me.

And I just love your jazzy way.

Yeah, can't you see?

Sometimes your words just hypnotize me.

No, your cock, your cock, baby.

Cock hypnotize.

I just like how your cock just hypnotize me.

Oh, yeah.

Hypnotize me.

Now, notorious, we are.

We are.

Oh, I love the mix.

While I'm fingering my girlfriend's asshole, will you finger your asshole while you're singing?

Yeah, that's why I'm a dick.

Dick your dick, but you gotta finger your asshole while I'm eating my girl's ass, and then I'll give you...

Hey, maybe he's near us. Hey, we're in Brooklyn. Are you near Brooklyn?

Yeah.

We're in Williamsburg. Do you want to come by?

Yeah, what's your number?

Why don't you come by? I'm on Bedford Avenue and North 7th Street, right by the train station.

If you come over there and then call me up, I'll come down and bring you into our apartment

and we will ride you like the big motherfucker you are.

Because I want to suck that juicy cock, baby.

Do you know any Wu-Tang?

But when you call them, I'm going to spit it in your face.

I was saying you both got some big titties on.

My girl's got 38 double D's.

And I got the ass.

What's your number?

You can give us your number.

We'll call you right back right now.

Go ahead.

Give us the digits, baby.

We'll call you right back.

203.

383.

3336.

How far away do you live?

A minute from here.

Oh, shit.

Get over here right now.

Wait, wait, hold on.

Can you pick up some Burger King on your way?

I want.

All right.

I want a number two plain with cheese.

We're going to call you right back on your phone.

We got to call that before the fucking stupid trolls try to ruin the fucking call.

Somebody just said it right now in the room.

so they're probably right 203 i want him to take the order three eight three yeah have him bring

burger king three three i bet you this ain't his number though i bet you're in his number

that's the same guy from yesterday that kept repeating hello we got time for this here what

is this it's steve harvey one original key hello i can't hear you i can't hold on

on the phone i'm trying to get i'm trying to

that's not the number he said no what was the number shit i should have you should

somebody i see it 203 it's 383 383 yeah he gave us that number 383 yeah that's the number he gave

us look it's going to be that same recording that i thought who the hell is this ah he trolled us

on the number he's not that he can't be that smart he had that number in his head there's no

way totally he said it 203 383 because i remember him saying 383 because three

no no he said 383 because i remember honey calm down i remember specifically because

who is it 383 is it all right guys let's continue carlito back here milkman zombie is under do not

disturb what the fuck fuck it i'm calling him anyway fuck him i don't give a shit do not disturb

my ass oh we got a call back call back guys call back fan the damn thing where is it that i keep

those out here here we go i missed it oh okay lonesome numbers now here's the oasis sushi

Hope you guys are enjoying the show.

I'm doing the best I can.

That was a long Zolar prank call.

It was like 12 minutes, and I played almost the whole thing.

I didn't realize I was gone for that long.

Sorry.

Hey, can you not talk so loud?

Can you not talk so loud?

I'm sorry.

I can't hear you.

Your voice is annoying.

I don't like your voice.

Okay.

I'm sorry about that.

All right.

Can I order a number six?

A number six?

Yeah.

Okay.

A number nine?

All right.

A bag of soup.

Two bags of rice.

Okay.

One gallon of cooking oil.

Gallon of cooking oil.

They have this shit there.

Uh-oh.

Here's the House of Joy restaurant.

Another sushi joint.

Lonesome must have had sushi tonight.

Anyway.

House of Sushi.

Or what is it?

House of Joy?

The Joy of Sushi, everybody.

Sushi, man.

Hi, House of Joy.

Yeah, I wanted to make an order.

Okay, hold on.

Hurry up.

Hello?

Nom, nom, nom.

Okay, you want a pickup?

Okay, phone number, please.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

Hello?

Yum, yum, yum, yum.

Hello?

Okay, phone number, please.

Oh, yeah, I wanted to make an order for all-you-can-eat sushi to go.

No.

Yeah.

Phone number.

What's your phone number?

Yeah, 404-3276.

404?

404-4244.

Okay, one more time.

Sorry.

404?

Uh-huh.

No, 404.

404.

Okay, 404.

And then?

424.

424-44-7474.

Can you read it back?

Tell me back.

Phone number.

Okay, hold on.

404-424-4474.

Okay, thank you.

Phone.

Okay, what's your name?

Phone.

Phone?

Phone.

Phone?

Yeah.

F-O, phone.

Okay, hold on.

Hello?

Yeah, my name is phone.

Phone?

Phone.

F-O.

Oh, phone.

Phone.

Okay, what's your phone number?

404.

Uh-huh.

404-424-447-4.

Can you read it back, please?

404-424-447-4.

Okay.

Make an order.

This is for pickup, right?

Yeah.

All-you-can-eat pickup.

I want all-you-can-eat sushi to go, one senior coffee, one gallon of cooking oil, and one bag of...

One gallon of dumpster?

One gallon of cooking oil.

What are you going to have?

I just need a gallon of cooking oil on top of that and a bag of rice, white rice, please.

Don't just, don't kidding.

Are you going to order it or not?

Yeah.

Okay, we don't selling our cooking oil.

Why do you order the cooking oil?

Well, you have it there.

One dragon roll, one shrimp tempura roll.

Okay.

One gallon of cooking oil.

We don't have a cooking oil.

What do you use then for cooking?

We don't selling our cooking oil.

Why do you order?

One bag of rice.

one bag of rice are you there why are you not talking okay what kind of rice uh white rice

one bag the big bag of white rice 10 pound we don't have a big bag we only have one size how

big is the bag of rice that you use it's not the bag it's container well what do you have there

it's a cook with you know what how about one walk one walk one stove do you know what arty was

was calling big evil already was calling but i think he's calling from his new android phone

and it's got that thing where it keeps ringing and ringing try to call evil already back it says

calling all right that was kind of funny asking for a gallon of oil hey boy horse how you doing

i just got home with the package and i'm about to walk into the house machine

wow a package great what is this your android phone no i'm about to buy i'm about to buy my

galaxy s4 tomorrow oh okay i didn't know you were i guess you're on a on your computer how

are you skyping right now on your phone i'm on my shit boost mobile machine uh-huh okay cool

well awesome and what's your package what you got there man it's called thrasher what's thrasher

the name of the package okay whatever oh it's a secret drug thing okay i got you smoking drugs

rugs, awesome, thrashing.

And I bought a new bong.

Great, great. Good for you.

Enjoy it. Enjoy killing yourself with your bong.

How about a hot dog on a stick?

Artie, would you like that?

What?

A hot dog on a stick?

No.

No? Okay.

I've been healthier. I've lost 10 pounds in the last month.

Very nice. Good.

I just bought five brownies.

Do you like to eat brown rice, Artie?

Brownies?

Yeah. Brown rice.

How's it going, The Sticking Bear? This is Reagan.

Hey, yeah, how you doing?

I wanted to make an order.

Hello?

Copy that on the second page.

Let's do it again.

I want to make an order.

Okay, okay.

Stupid.

Hey, she's pretty stupid, huh?

Um, excuse me?

She's pretty stupid.

She didn't understand.

I'm sorry, sir.

I'd like to make an order.

May I help you with something?

I'd like to make an order.

I think you're stupid, too.

I'd like to make an order, please.

Can I do it for you?

All right, one gallon of cooking oil.

I'm sorry, sir.

We only serve lemonade and Hot Dog and a Thick items.

You can go to hotdogandathick.com and look at our menu.

Oh, I got the menu here, but, yeah, I know you got cooking oil there that you're using.

We do have cooking oil, but we don't serve it.

Well, I want to buy it.

You're not serving it.

You're not going to put it in a nice cup.

I want the gallon, you know.

I'll buy it.

I understand.

The thing is, you can purchase one of those at a grocery store or something like that.

Listen, hang on, hang on, hang on, honey.

Listen, sweetheart.

sweetheart listen i i've i have a restaurant and i need an industrial size big gallon jug

you know of it i can't go to the store right now i'll tell you what i can do i can give you my

regional manager's phone number i don't have time for that i'm sorry sir there's nothing i can do

well listen i talked to the regional manager he said to call in and talk to the effeminate man

and he was going to help me out um my regional manager is actually a female um and i can give

Oh, that's the problem.

It's a female, I think, right?

All right, all right.

Listen, how about one package of hot dogs?

Frozen.

You have hot dogs on the menu.

That's what I want.

I want hot dogs.

Hot dogs.

Thank you so much.

Come on.

One frozen hot dogs.

No, no, Artie, no hot dogs.

Do you have any hot dogs in your fridge, Artie?

Sure you do.

You eat them raw.

Eat them hot dogs raw.

Raw dogs.

Let's get some raw dogs.

I actually have no hot dogs in my house.

We are unable to answer the phone right now.

Please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you.

What, Artie?

You don't like hot dogs?

I have no hot dogs in the house.

Wow, man.

Man, what do you have in your fridge right now?

What's in it?

Almost nothing.

I've been eating out.

So you're losing 10 pounds, but you're eating out?

What are you eating?

It's how I keep myself from overeating.

I don't have food in the house.

Oh, okay, cool.

It's expensive, you know?

I know.

Yeah, I'm just telling you.

Dude, I just sent you a file.

Okay, what kind of file?

A picture.

A picture, okay.

Yeah.

Okay, where did you send it?

To my cell phone?

What are you talking about?

No, on Skype.

On Skype?

okay what is this is a nude no i want to see some nudes

all right hang on i'm accepting the file i'll take a look at this dirty picture of yours

you're thrasher as you call it all right uh moving right along did you tell lonesome i wanted to talk

to him did you not pay attention to my i didn't know you wanted me to i did i asked you last time

we talked on the phone i don't remember the last time we talked on the phone okay whatever here's

a Mexican woman who answered at the taco shop in California all right here we go

just a moment please hey boy how you doing hey boy how you doing pretty good

I want to make an order okay all right one fish taco okay one chorizo taco one

one fish taco what else chorizo taco I don't have a chorizo taco only chorizo

oh okay the chorizo burrito stupid okay all right one one gallon of cooking oil

one gallon of cooking oil you hear me hello one gallon of cooking oil

i don't have it what do you have we'll have oil there come on stupid stupid corn eater mexican

arty your phone is a shit it's a shit hello hurry up and get the galaxy s4 please

I've got an AT&T.

You're causing an echo.

Because you have me on speakerphone, don't you, idiot?

Yeah, dummy.

Let me find my earphone.

Yeah, please.

Do you think?

You dummy fucker.

Hey, Ken.

Hey, Baz.

What is this shit I hear about you taking the keepers away?

Oh, the keepers are gone.

Everyone bitch about the keepers.

The heads are going to fucking roll.

Well, because Baz is here and Baz is new.

It's not fair, you know.

Hey, I wanted to make an order.

This calls now.

What?

This close now.

No, open, please.

This close.

This 9 o'clock.

No, open, I said.

Puta.

We command you.

Puta.

I say puta.

I didn't have no chorizo taco.

That sucks, man.

They have a chorizo burrito, but no taco.

That's pretty stupid.

Just put the burrito shit in the taco shell.

Yes.

The way the schedule is set up for fantasy football, is that how the schedule is going to stay?

I don't know.

I haven't even looked at the schedule.

Why?

Should we change it?

Just wondering, because it's me and you first week again.

I think that happened last year, too.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, you beat me by, like, what, four points or some shit like that?

It was, like, yeah, it was within five points.

Yeah, I mean, that's a random order.

I was just going to keep it that way.

Why not, I guess.

I was fucking pissed.

I went out to a Tigers game today, and to, like, the eighth inning,

the Tigers were losing 6-3.

I fucking left, get in the car, and down the road,

they hit a fucking walk-off three shot three home run shot to win the fucking game you see

in the bottom of the ninth two outs i was like you're fucking kidding me you those yeah see

that's what you get for leaving early i never leave a sports game early even it's just so rude

to do that to the team i don't know it's just like so fucking high and mighty over there like

i don't i don't want to deal with the traffic i'm gonna leave they're losing it's the seattle fans

are notorious for doing that at home games.

Orlando fans do that

in the Orlando arena for the NBA games.

I am happy that

fucking Lions beat the shit out of the Bills today, too.

Man, Lions doing something, right?

They won last week, too, didn't they?

Yeah, they fucking beat the shit out of the Patriots.

Whatever.

The Seahawks are beating up on Oakland right now.

Seahawks are, yeah.

You know what? I think...

I don't know about the...

That's because Oakland's

letting fucking Terrell Pryor be the quarterback.

pack. Alright, people are getting pissed off

about sports. You know how that goes.

I told Nunu that we're going to have

a Seahawks hour every

week on Madhouse. Yeah.

Holy shit, I think IG69 just fucking

signed in and Skype here.

Fuck him. Hey, guess what? You're out of

a team, asshole, because you suck. I heard from

that kid in a while. He used to just fucking

giggle his way through the pranks and stuff.

It was hilarious. I think he probably

hit puberty and Gruesome Heron is

nuts and he doesn't care about prank calls anymore.

Now he's all about the girls, probably.

It's trying to get a pee pee touch

Sushi time

Hi thank you for calling Hanabi

How can I help you

Yeah I needed to have a number 6

A number 6

What's the number 6

It's on your menu number 6

I'm not sure what is it

A rainbow roll

I'm sorry are you talking about a combo

Like a roll combo

Shut up just give me a dragon roll

Wow I'm sorry I don't understand

I know because you're a woman

and can I have a dragon roll?

Excuse me?

A dragon roll, please.

I just can't understand you with that tone.

I'm so sorry.

Can I have a dragon roll?

What did you say?

Can I have a dragon roll, honey?

Please?

Can I have a dragon roll?

I'm just not understanding you.

I command you to put me down for a dragon roll.

I order you and a shrimp tempura roll.

And a number six?

Yep.

And then one gallon of cooking oil.

Can I get your name and phone number?

This is Cross.

Say it again, spell it.

Cross, C-R-O-S-S.

C-R-O-S-S, and your phone number?

It's 760-212-4424.

4424?

Yeah.

Okay, now run me through what you want one more time, because I'm just not understanding.

All right, because you're stupid.

Rainbow roll.

I didn't understand that either.

One rainbow roll.

Okay, so you'd like a rainbow roll.

Yes.

Yes, uh, dragon roll.

Okay.

Alright, one shrimp tempura roll.

Alright, that's much, much better.

A gallon of, uh, cooking oil.

Alright, I'm gonna have to call you back.

Why, asshole?

Because I just don't understand you.

Stupid.

What do you mean you keep saying you don't understand me?

You obviously know what I'm saying.

Stupid.

I can't understand you with that tone, you fucking white lady.

It's like that black guy earlier, he couldn't hear you.

Yeah, sure he can't.

I started singing it to her.

Hey, thank you for calling Hanabi, how can I help you?

you hey honey baby how are you good can't complain how about you good i was talking to a rude woman

there oh okay was that you can i make an order please no i'm sorry why why do you say you don't

hear me and then you can't hear me perfectly what's that little game of yours i just don't

understand your tone the tone you're using is what i don't understand what's wrong with my i'm just

making an order oh i don't know okay well unless you're ready to be polite and not be rude i'm not

not gonna answer your phone call hi i'm gonna be nice now okay so what can we say while you're

being polite one rainbow roll i command you sorry i can't understand you again come on is it because

you're a stupid woman is there a man i can talk to god damn just just call her back and let me go

hey bitch i need a rainbow do you want me to apologize for you yeah yeah yeah yeah and i'll

say the bitch thing oh they're hanging up roy made a good point he said that lady probably

Probably commands five-year-olds pretty well.

Yeah.

I'll put that on the burner here.

Maybe we can call it in a little bit.

I sent you another request to prank for this guy named K-Boogie,

who was looking for a fucking roommate.

K-Boogie.

K-Boogie, yo.

Oh, yeah, I want to be his roommate.

Hi, thank you for going to Navi House, and I hope you.

Yes, good evening.

Hi, my name is David.

How are you this evening?

Okay, David.

Yes, I'd just like to apologize for my friend, Cross.

I think he was being quite rude to you, wasn't he?

Mm-hmm.

Well, you know, he's had a really tough week.

His girlfriend just left him.

She found out that she was, well, she discovered that she was gay,

and she left him for another woman.

And so he's just really down on women right now.

So I'd just like to apologize for him.

We would really like to have an order, though.

Is this possible?

I'm going to have to call your number back

and make sure that this is the correct number.

Oh, it is the correct number.

Oh, okay.

So it's 760-212-4424?

Exactly.

All right, I'm going to call that number back.

Hey, bitch, give me a fucking roll.

Don't fucking hang up.

Give me a fucking roll, you bitch, you stupid bitch.

That's a fake number, Gary.

Aaron, hey!

Hey, motherfuckers.

Hey, stupid, how are you?

Hey, you old banshee.

Hey, you old fuck.

What's going on over there?

I tried to get in a chat.

it's broken did you know the chat's broken carlito yeah no thanks for letting me know about

that i'll get right on that right away i read in the chat that the chat's broken you're right in

the chat that it's broken no shit look uh that's enigma's gonna fix it i'm we're canceling the

current irc irc provider that can't get their shit straight and enigma's making a nice big

massive chat room oh yeah yeah you know the death box chat worked really well i don't know why we

quit that one i have no idea why we would have left that we could be on there still right now

i'm sure it'd be it'd be rocking on there without any trouble see that they're bullshits down yeah

i know yeah i know that's it is what it is i guess i don't know i'm trying to hit dozer up

i want dozer to hang out with us he's yeah you know i sent him a message here on skype but i

haven't heard back from him yeah enigma city hasn't really been online since this all went down so

So it kind of sucks.

Maybe when he comes back around, he'll join us for a show.

Yeah, that's my only contact info I have for him is my Skype contact.

Oh, that reminds me.

I talked to Dr. Lego today on the phone.

I gave him a call to see how he was doing.

He said he's interested in calling.

And I think he's got a few.

His band is really busy.

But he said he's going to join us for a show here, I think, next week, he said.

and he's even thinking about maybe

bringing back Prank the World

on the Madhouse station perhaps

in some kind of former fashion. He said he might

do his show here on Wednesdays or

Tuesdays, whatever night that we don't have

a show, you know? That'd be kind of cool

Yeah, he used to do shows on

Monday. Maybe we can get him to do Monday

shows. That'd be really awesome. So yeah

there we go. Look for that. He said he hasn't

done Prank Calls in like two and a half years

so he's kind of excited about it

So there you go. Dr. Lego, talk to him

Cool.

I got a meeting for a minute.

I still can't find a reclute anywhere, but maybe one day he'll show up also.

Aaron, you haven't been on in a while either.

Aaron, I haven't actually talked to you in a while, dude.

I know, I know.

I got a meeting for a minute.

I got to put a kid to bed.

I'll be right back.

Okay, bye.

And by put him to bed, he means choke the shit out of him.

Don't say that.

It's his kid.

How would you like if I said that?

Well, yeah.

Every show he sits there talking about, he's going to go throw his wife down the stairs

and all that.

I was about to say, your kid's in wrestling,

so you get to watch him getting choked and stuff.

Yeah, it sucks.

Hey, it's the Enigma.

Hey, Enigma.

Hey, what's going on?

All right, good.

So you're going to take over.

You're going to help out with chat server, right?

Is that still on, or did that get canceled?

Are we still up there, what we talked about, Enigma?

Guys, are you there?

Aaron?

Mm-hmm, I'm here.

Enigma?

There it goes.

Call just came back.

Yeah, it went off for a little while.

Yeah, it's still on.

You just got to switch it when you're ready.

All right.

Well, you need the IPs.

Give me IPs and we'll switch it.

I'm thinking maybe we should do it early tomorrow.

Can we do it early tomorrow so it's fixed in time for the weekend shows, you know, Friday and Saturday?

I actually won't be home tomorrow until late.

Oh, okay.

I hate to do it late.

We can just do it.

Fuck it.

All right.

It's just an IP address change.

Not a big deal.

Okay.

Check Skype machines I sent you the IP.

You did already.

Okay, I'll do it tonight then.

Screw it.

I'll do it tonight.

Can we do it tonight?

Is it, like, really set up?

Has it migrated and everything yet?

Or do you need time to do it?

Yeah, there's a couple things I got to talk to you about, but it's pretty much done.

Okay, cool.

All right, so we'll be fixed, hopefully in time for tomorrow's show.

Excellent.

Yes, sir.

All right, well, let's continue on with prank calls.

Jose, can someone give Jose this Skype name so he can join in?

He wants to be on.

Thanks, appreciate it.

yeah i uh try to talk to dozer i haven't heard from him since the other night okay a couple

nights ago but as soon as i see him i'll let him know you want to talk to him well he goes to

school maybe i think it's the first week of school for a lot of people yeah he said he's got school

coming up so that's probably it that's what it is first week is kind of hectic get your classes

and books in order and all that shit hang on before they pick up does anybody want to call

this is wankers corner saloon and cafe wankers corner saloon yeah any of you want to do it

because I'm not feeling it, but I wanted to offer

it to you guys. Wanker's Corner Saloon

in Oregon. Anyone? Anyone?

No? Okay. Yeah, yeah, sure.

Alright, go. Go! We're calling Wanker's

Corner. This is Corinne. How can I help you?

Yeah, this is Wanker's Saloon.

Yeah, Wanker's Corner Saloon and Cafe.

Yeah, may I speak to the manager, please?

I've got a complaint I would like to lodge.

Yeah, let me see where he

is at right now. One moment. Okay, hurry.

Hurry the fuck up. Just because it's

called Wanker's doesn't mean somebody can be wanking

in there.

Sounds like he hung up on accident.

Fuck.

Mr. Cooper, can I help you?

Hi, Cooper.

Yeah, my name is David.

I've got a complaint that I'd like to lodge.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I was in there having a cocktail,

and I had to go relieve myself in the restroom.

And I think you have a gentleman there in the restroom

who is taking the name of your establishment a little too far.

There was a large black man masturbating next to me in the restroom,

and I was quite shocked.

And I'd like to know what you're going to do about it.

No, but you're talking Wanker's Corner in Wilsonville, right?

Yes.

said to me, he said

Yo, dude, the name of this place is

Wankers, so they let me masturbate

in here and I didn't

want anything to do with that so I just left

immediately. He was very scary

I don't blame you

Well, one, I apologize

Damn right. Crazy or not

it's what happened

I'm not doubting you one bit

And there was a few people after the pool earlier.

I know that any longer.

Yeah, because he finished.

He probably shot his load and then left.

Yeah, crazy.

Well, all I can tell you there is...

Let me tell you what happened.

I had to go in there and I had to, well, to put it delicately, I had to take a shit.

So I was sitting in the stall and then I started hearing some grunting coming next to me.

And I saw this big foot come underneath and started tapping.

I think it was some kind of a sign.

I heard the guy like going, oh, oh, oh, man, I'm almost there.

Oh, man, it's so good.

Come on in here and join me.

And then he actually came out, and he had his penis out.

And he was trying to wave it in my face.

And I was so scared, I just ran out the back.

And I'd like to get a free meal in the house to make this right.

And I would like to have free beer for one week.

Yeah, that sounds good.

Okay, and what was her name again?

Listen, man, I don't know if you're being serious or not.

I can't really give you a free meal and free beer for a week.

I'm kind of traumatized.

I actually think I might need to see a therapist after this.

I would if I was you.

Yeah.

I'd go every day of the week, personally, if a black man was master tapping me under the stall.

Yeah, did you know that you have a glory hole there in that stall?

What's that?

You have a glory hole in that stall.

I do, yeah.

I use that often.

I stick off and shock people on my own.

Oh, do you?

I usually try to stab them right in the ear with it.

Oh, yeah, I was there last week.

Was that you?

Never.

What did you say?

No, that is...

What's that?

It was in the background.

No, that's the craziest thing.

Yeah, I usually shove my cop through that hole

and, like I said, try to stab ear with it if I can.

Yeah, you know, but in order to stab somebody...

I mean, if you would have been in there, believe me,

basically in order to stab somebody in the ear,

they have to have their ear button.

Well, the weird thing is my nuts usually slap underneath

and hit the people in the shit,

and that's the fucking weird part.

Hey, Dave, that's been a fun phone call.

Have a good night, okay?

Hey, don't hang up on me.

bait now? Come on, dude, I'll put you on speakerphone

so the bar can hear. You gotta do better than that, though.

Listen, man, if I had a dime three times

and a black man masturbated me next to me

in the wanker's bathroom, I'd have at least

$2.30. Anyway, have a good night, bro.

We appreciate it. Take care.

Holy crap.

That's a fucked up manager. I just like the whole

idea. The black is like, hey, what's up?

Well, the guy was saying that he tries to

stab people in the ear, and I was trying to get in the fact

that in order for him to stab somebody

in the ear, they would have to have their ear

right up within an inch of that hole.

Yeah, it's more like stab him in the eyes, more likely.

And he has to be hard, too, you know?

Yeah, the dude wouldn't shut up.

He was all, me, me, me, my penis.

No, it was funny.

I just keep thinking about a black guy.

I'm like, hey, what's up, man?

This place is wankers.

I get to jerk off.

He's a fucking regular there.

Oh, yeah, when I get jerked off, this is where I come, man.

Black guy playing pool, talking about jerking off.

and somehow ended up in the bathroom jerking off in the stall next to Baz.

Yeah, okay.

Sure, yeah.

You hear the waitress bitch in the background fucking giggling away.

Hee hee.

Ha ha ha ha.

That was her.

Jose's calling, guys.

Aren't you excited about that?

Oh, hey.

Nunu's telling me that he sent you numbers for Richard Kiel

and a new premise to go with.

Hey, what's up, guys?

Sushi numbers.

Yeah, good.

All right, I'll check those.

hey jose what's up man how's it going good good are you doing shows yet what's your what's up with

you i sold my stuff because i needed money wow you pawned it yeah wow you sold what did you need

money for what's going on uh some family problems i had to take care of oh you got grounded that's

what it was all right uh what happened here richard keel uh he is what v tall v fall he lost

Lost a job as the Incredible Hulk because he was too fat.

Okay.

Maybe offer him dietary advice.

All right.

Who's Richard Kiel?

He used to play the Incredible Hulk.

I thought that was the other guy.

He played Jaws in Moonraker.

Ah, yes.

Okay.

And I think he was in another Bond movie, wasn't he?

He was in three.

I thought there were three movies with Jaws and Goldfinger.

Yeah, yeah.

So wait.

Okay.

So he was offered the job of the Incredible Hulk, but he lost it out to that one guy.

I forgot his name.

Who's the guy that actually played him?

Lou Frigna or Frigna, something like that.

Lou Frigna, yeah, okay.

It was before Arnold Schwarzenegger, we had Lou Frigna.

Yeah.

I've seen him in conventions.

Every time there was a convention in Orlando, Lou Frigna was just walking around.

Him and Peter Mayhew, the guy that plays Chewbacca, the guy in the Chewbacca suit,

guy's fucking tall, but you just see him walking around.

Everyone's staring at him like, oh, it's Peter Mayhew.

He wasn't even listed as a guest or anything.

They just show up and walk around and sign autographs.

Crazy.

Here we go.

Have you guys ever heard of Lonely Virgil?

Hello.

Hey, how are you doing there, buddy?

Is that Kiel?

Big Kiel.

Yeah.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, we're doing a panel here for James Bond 50.

We wanted to pay to fly you out to Orlando to be at the convention center and maybe talk

and sign some autographs.

We'll put you in a hotel and everything.

thing and you're in a wheelchair i understand right no i use the car scooter you're you're

in a scooter my wife flies with me okay we'll bring her too all right and uh do you have any

dietary needs any taking care of i don't know what when is uh this is in october october 12th

through the 15th we'll bring you out we're gonna sit your front i'm gonna say look at this failure

here you know okay look at this big failure hold on and then we're gonna feed you like stuff we're

gonna feed you aluminum foil okay well i do have something in october i'm not sure but uh hey do

you know do you remember give me a call hey do you remember being in egypt with the riyad dilshad

he was filming you and you went up to the car and you were like and you broke the car and it

it was in egypt you were filming in egypt yeah yeah my that was my friend he said he saw you

he was on the yeah he's palestinian but he grew up in egypt and he was in a filming crew and he

saw you you were jaws and you broke the car it was the car was made out of aluminum he said uh

yeah they had it was like a course can yeah they both punch into it and rip it back that's

Yes, he told me about that.

He said that you were in the bathroom and you took a big shit, really big shit,

and it stunk up the bathroom, and they were all laughing at you

and having a good time, remember?

No, I don't remember that.

Yeah, he said you went to the bathroom.

Anyway, can you give me a call in the morning?

He said you took a big shit and it stunk every time you used the bathroom.

It was disgusting.

Oh.

Yeah, he remembers you.

He remembers you.

Yeah.

He told me to give you a call.

He said, we're going to bring you.

We're going to say, look at this failure here.

Here, we're going to have a whole ring of people around you.

We're going to say, this is a failure, and he stinks when he shits.

It stinks when he shits.

And we'll even have a portable toilet there.

You can use it and take a shit, and we'll go in there and we'll smell it.

You want to e-mail me your proposal?

Yeah, are you okay with shitting in front of those people?

I don't know what you're talking about.

It's a public issue.

You want to e-mail me your proposal?

It's a porta-potty.

We're going to put you in the porta-potty.

You're going to take a shit, and then we're all going to go inside and smell.

and comment and take air samples.

All right.

There you go, Jaws.

That's funny because I just downloaded all of the Bond movies

from the last 50 years, the 50 collection,

and I'm just about up to where the Jaws movies start,

that whole trilogy.

Well, that's exciting.

I have to talk to the guy.

Wow, man.

Hey, Carlito.

What?

Is there any more slots open for the fantasy football thing?

Nope.

There's not really.

Damn it.

Yeah, I know, really, but really there's not.

and you probably wouldn't pay you probably would quit like ig richie did you know if i know you

you wouldn't like it maybe you never played fantasy football before ig 69 is getting real

fucking lippy in the skype chat with me really he's getting lippy he's full of fucking piss

vinegar what's his problem what's he upset he said why don't you lick my pussy you peckerwood

white trash white trash ass bitch you sure that's not their dad so this is ig inadequate gangster

that's kiss my pussy inadequate gangster then it says recovered my password okay i don't know

whatever he's probably high on kool-aid probably mountain dew said about free mountain dews yeah

all right moving right along here mst3 clay says you got a request from lux that he would like to

join okay can someone send lux the skype chat thing my skype account cool who does big balls

at yahoo.com there you go that's the one uh damn it what okay chloe said we got chloe here who's uh

goes to a college talk about how you saw her sneak into the house and escondido was partying i don't

know what this is some kind of inside job here whatever it's been a long time since i've heard

a brent call yeah i know yeah i can give you a try how's it sound about my mobile device you

sound good to me a little bassy but that's it and i'm gonna i'll send you exactly what the

the premises here can you read sky chat can you see it uh if i look yeah hold on i have to look

at it hold on hey carlito have you been catching those creepy ass fucking speed dating calls

jihad's been putting together yeah yeah whether you guys are saying the weirdest fucking shit

well we had to try to like really pick it up because we didn't have laugh track

last friday so they're like oh you gotta be creepy and i'm like okay yeah there's some

crazy shit guys so yeah i guess so they're being told they're auditioning for like some

some kind of speed dating show or it's a speed dating it's speed dating service that's what it

is yeah it's it's for a game show yeah yeah so we're running them through the through a test

phase to see who who scores eyes the stuff we're asking them if you had to estimate who has or what

size penis do you think they have and they're all like all the women are like oh yeah like six like

like seven. You kept getting seven

and eight and stuff, I remember, Ken.

I was sitting there like, yeah, right.

I was scoring high

and then with the African-American

ladies, I don't score that well, so they're like,

oh, six, and I'm like, damn it, you're bringing my

average down.

So, Chloe snuck into the house when

I was drinking alcoholic beverages.

Yeah, that's all I got to go with. It's not much.

Smoking marijuana cigarettes.

There you go. Partying.

Holy shit.

She was showing her knees. Her knees were visible.

She's putting on a strap-on and making love to men.

All right.

Ding.

No, she's too drunk.

Hello?

Hello, is Chloe there?

Yeah.

Hello?

Chloe?

Yeah?

Yeah, this is Brent.

I know what you've been doing.

What?

I know what you've been doing.

Sneaking into houses and partying, smoking marijuana cigarettes.

What?

You hear me?

Hello, Chloe.

Hi, yeah.

Hi.

Listen, you little bitch.

I'm getting sick of your shit.

You need to stop sneaking into people's houses.

What?

I'm sorry, I can't hear anything you're saying.

Say it louder.

Have you been pulling down your pants and spanking it in front of other people?

I said, Dara.

So it was only Dara.

What the fuck?

It's definitely Dara.

I said, pulling your pants down and spanking your butt.

Hey, Dara, what's up, Dara?

Is there 17 people there?

Hey, it's Bubba.

That was retarded.

Is this like, oh, Bubba, is Bubba there?

Bubba, Bubba.

I don't know who that probably was

Lux added you, Carly

Don't want your Isle of Luxington or some shit

And I'm adding Lux

Right now to the call

There you go, buddy

Get Bernie for some squeakiness

Is the draft still tomorrow or did you change it again?

It's tomorrow at 11pm Eastern

Alright

You're going down, you bushy bearded bastard

It's over, Mr. Champion

Reigning Champion

Is it too late for me to save my last year's guy or what?

I got rid of it.

Everyone gave...

People were...

I told you guys, if you got a problem with it, post in there.

I'm fucking raising it right now on the air.

All right.

So do we want the keepers or not?

Yeah.

Baz says no because he's...

I only say that because I didn't play last year.

Yeah, fuck you.

Who's my keeper?

I think it's either Frank Gore.

That's my keeper.

I was trying to figure out if I was going to keep Big Ben or RG3.

I'm going to keep Hasselbeck for sure.

Yeah.

I don't care, whatever you guys want to do

I'm the new guy

I don't know, fucking keepers

I'm going to keep Jason Hansen

Oh wait, he retired

We have up until an hour before the draft to change that

I guess just leave the keepers off

Make a fucking clean slate

And fair for everyone I guess

We'll do keepers next year then

Oh fuck, whatever, that's fine

I don't need a keeper, honestly

We'll end up with a clean slate this way

That's true

You won, didn't you, last year, Aaron?

Yeah, I didn't win last year, so.

All right, here's a number for Harry Dick.

He's at least 65, but I think older.

His wife, Mary, sounds really old.

They're most likely in bed.

She's a sweet old lady, and his name is Harry Dick.

All right, cool.

Harry Sacks.

I watched that episode of Beavis and Budhead a few weeks ago.

That still cracks me up.

Cream Street 2, that episode?

Yeah.

Harry Sacks.

Congratulations, you just won a pizza.

What were those prank calls that were doing to that angry redneck?

Oh, they were just going, Harry Sack.

Harry Sack.

Hey, hi.

Can I speak with Harry Sack, please?

Harry Dick.

Just hold on a second.

I can't understand you.

Who'd you want to speak to?

Harry Dick.

Who's calling?

My name is David Snozzwell.

He is asleep.

Well, I need you to wake him up immediately.

Just a minute.

I'm going to put on the recorder so he can hear you.

Yes, do that.

I hear him talking in the background.

He's asleep.

Hello?

Hello, Mr. Dick.

Yes, Mr. Harry Dick.

Yes, my name is David Snoswell,

and I'm calling you from the United States Ministry of Foreign Defense,

and we are calling to confirm that you have won an all-expenses trip paid to the Pentagon

with your wife and three other people.

I'm kind of sleepy, okay, and I'm just in with all you say.

Yes, we're calling to inform you that you have won an all-expenses-paid trip to the Pentagon.

You can be present watching on the big board when we send the Tomahawk cruise missiles into Damascus.

Are you available to board a flight first thing tomorrow morning?

Sure, great.

Okay, this trip is also being sponsored by a major pizza corporation,

so we're going to need you to do some promo ads as well, too.

you know we can have you in the pentagon saying hey i'm in the pentagon right now

in the pentagon we eat and i can't say the uh the name of the sponsor over the phone right now

it's a confidentiality agreement type deal um but are you down with that sure sure you know

and i'm also i'm uh running out of ideas for this call so i'm going to transfer you over to my

supervisor mr cross hello how are you buddy hi hey good are you laying in bed or where are you

right now oh what are you wearing nothing nothing you sleep naked no oh i got all socks and

underwear like uh tidy what do you wear like briefs or boxers what do you like yeah i like

you have a t-shirt on or is your chest bare bare chest very nice and what's your wife doing

she laying next to you you are what was she was she wearing a negligee uh i get to the point i

want you to tell me what your wife is wearing and maybe i want you to kiss her and let me hear you

you guys kissing what's your name this is cross we're recording this okay i'm me too do we sound

good because of your name a couple of calls a week and that's about once a month oh yeah

it's usually about this about the name yeah oh wow it's probably just teenagers giggling though

at least we're being kind of original right now right and you're in your 60s no

No? Older?

Yeah, a lot older.

So when you were, let's say, in school, did they tease you also, or no one knew to tease you?

Hardly ever.

Hardly ever?

No, no.

What's the holdup that I'm a human?

All right, so when did the teasing start? Like in the 70s? People were like, oh.

Oh, no. All my life, to some extent.

Oh, but when the sexual revolution started, did it get worse?

No.

No?

Did you get into the sexual revolution and all that?

No.

No?

You didn't do the hippie thing?

No.

No?

Okay.

Where's the weirdest place you ever made love to your wife at?

In the ass?

No.

No?

You ever put in the ass?

No.

No?

Okay.

Well, let me ask you this, my good sir.

With a name like Harry Dick, did you ever consider going into the pornographic, pornography

industry?

No.

You wouldn't even need to pick a stage name.

You could just use your real name.

I didn't do that.

Is your dick hairy?

Do you have a lot of hair down there?

No.

Okay.

Well, that's kind of ironic.

Do you shave?

Kind of ironic.

Or did it just fall out with old age?

Is it wispy and gray?

How about your balls hang really low, don't they?

Can we come over and inspect?

Sure.

He's probably like a Coke can, I think.

You know what I mean?

Beer can.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think so.

You got a beer can of Coke?

No.

Okay.

Did you ever, you never smoked?

You never drank?

No.

Right.

Would you like to try it before you pass away?

No.

Would you like to try sucking a man's sexual organs before you die?

I mean...

You said you're a professor?

A college professor?

Yes.

What subject did you teach?

So you're Dr. Dick, Dr. Harry Dick?

You know, you're a pretty good sport, I'll give you that.

Most people just tell us to fuck off and hang up.

Yeah, most guys will hang up.

In the UK, they screw it up, fuck off, and then they hang up.

I don't hang up.

Hey, do you want to call someone?

I just like to make a fool of these chefs at you.

Oh, yeah, totally.

Hey, you want to turn the tables on all these prank callers?

You want to make one with us?

Make a prank call.

We're going to make a prank call.

We'll call the UK.

Yeah, stay with us on the phone, and we'll call someone, all right?

You can hear us.

You can say, hey, I'm Harry Dick, and they'll go, no way.

No, no, no.

Let's get it over with and hang up.

No, not yet.

You said you don't hang up.

Yeah, but I woke up and talked to you.

Do you ever do any construction work in your life, or you just worked in a school?

Of course, everybody does something in their life.

Yeah, you got to fix a washing machine, you know, put in a new water heater.

You ever do that?

That's the hard work.

Backbreaking work, putting in a new water heater, man.

Oh, man, it's bad.

You got to watch out.

You got the hot water in your eyes, you know?

Don't hang up.

Come on, don't hang up.

It's going to be funny.

You're almost up.

They're going to answer you.

You're almost done.

Hello, we've got somebody that would like to speak with you.

His name is Harry Dick.

Go ahead, Harry.

Constructions?

Is this tough?

Hello?

Hey.

Hello?

You there?

Hello?

Tough construction?

Yes, hello.

No, I'm not a...

Oh, you're not a construction?

I do church work.

You do church work?

You did work around at the church?

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, no one answered at that number, Harry.

Yeah, Harry Enigma wants to know if you ever got soap in your pee hole.

No.

You ever get an ingrown hair, like on your ball sack, anything like that, like a boil?

Oh, yeah.

You never?

Never got like a boil on there?

Yeah, sometimes when you're growing up.

They give me antibiotics.

Yeah, when you grow up, when you're growing up and you're first growing pubes,

sometimes they go ungrown, you know, and you've got to squeeze them a little bit.

Do you check for lumps in your testicles?

Do you ever do that?

That's important, too.

Hello?

Tom Gray.

Hello, you guys.

Is Allison there?

No, Allison doesn't work here anymore.

Oh, okay.

Well, I've got Harry on the line.

He had to ask you a question about the store.

Harry.

Yeah, go ahead, Harry.

Ask her.

I don't know what you want me to ask.

Hey, what is your name, young lady?

I don't think you need to know my name.

Well, yeah, you have to identify yourself because you're at the store.

I don't have to identify myself.

It's the rule.

You little bitch.

Have a good night.

Don't hang up.

Bitch.

What a bitch, huh, Harry?

I got to go.

Come on.

Come on, come on.

Don't go, Harry.

Please don't go.

Come on.

Go up.

Go up a little.

Oh, don't go.

Come on, man.

It's fun.

Have somebody else.

Harry, can we be friends?

You're a good sport, Harry.

We're trying new things together, Harry.

I mean, you're in your twilight years.

These new experiences can greatly enrich your golden age.

You can bring sexual toys into the bedroom of your wife and experience a whole new thing.

Hey, Harry, let's trade sex stories.

Cross always wants to trade sex stories to everybody who listens to him.

He wants to say sex stories with us?

Just send money.

Fuck yeah.

Come on.

When was the first time you saw a girl naked?

Just send money.

Just send money?

All right.

Go to church.

Do you have a PayPal account?

Which church should we go to?

Orthodox Church?

We have.

Stand in line, Harry.

Here's another call for you.

Last one, Harry.

Last one.

No going anywhere.

Hey, Lux is here also.

We haven't paid attention to Lux, but Lux is here.

You like Lux?

Hey, Lux.

Lux is in there.

Say hi to Harry.

Hi, Harry.

Hello, Harry.

It's Richard.

How may I help you?

Yeah, hey, we got a Harry.

Harry's online.

Hi, Harry.

I love you.

That's my folks.

Hello.

Is that Golden Living Center?

Yeah.

Yeah, we got Harry. He's going to be moving in there because he's old.

He's in his twilight years.

Yeah.

Could you call during the daytime, during the office hours, because you have to make office arrangements.

No, Harry has got a lot of money. He wants to move in tonight.

Maybe there won't be any stupid West Indians there at that time, right?

You see what the problem is? I'm having an affair with Harry's wife, so I got to get this old bastard out of the house.

I need to do it right now.

If you call during office hours, you can make arrangements for a room.

Hey, are you Haitian?

What are you, Jamaican, Haitian?

What are you?

Are you disgusting people from the Caribbean?

No, he sounds like a handsome man.

No, he's disgusting.

He's a racist.

There's a homosexual bathroom.

They could shower in.

Hey, Harry, you there, buddy?

I'm out of here.

Oh, yeah, how you doing?

We were trying to get you a new place to live at.

Well, you've had your fun.

Look, I've got to go back to bed.

All right, whatever.

whatever whatever no no you don't bye asshole i thought harry i love you hey guys i'm gonna

restart skype it's starting to fuck up i'll uh join you guys all back up here in a moment thank

you god damn uh

Dirty Lux

I don't have Lux as a contact yet

I don't think

Let me see

No, it's okay

Can you add Lux?

Oh, I got her

Big Lux here

Hey Carlito

There's the prank you were talking about

When he was a butthead

We're calling that Redneck

And all they were doing was flushing the toilet

On the phone to him

He was getting all pissed off

He was in it for like a whole year

And then he finally got caller ID

I got you now

And then they gave him Stewart's address

They gave him Anderson's

Because that was the only address they knew

They stole his mail

And then the guy came over and shoved the phone up his ass

Right?

And the funny part was

They said let's call Stewart

And you could hear the phone ringing in that dude's ass

and his dad's ass

it was ringing

I haven't seen that since I was a kid

I want to see that I can't believe I remember that

but that guy's like

congratulations you just won a pizza

give me the address

and I'll get it over to you

there's the link in the skype chat I should find

the better version that's on some guy

like taping his tablet

or some shit

are the old Beavis and Buttheads on

Netflix at all I wonder

No, they're not.

Oh, that sucks.

I got to go download them then.

Fuck it.

Torrents.

They got to learn, man.

If they don't put that shit on Netflix or Amazon Prime, I'm going to download it.

Fuck them.

They got to learn.

You know, they came out with a new season last year with Beavis and Bud.

It was actually not bad.

I love the drone episode that they did where they were like, oh, look, it's a fucking video

game.

They're controlling the drone, fucking shooting people and shit.

Nice.

Good for them.

how they're still they're still are were they i only saw the first episode of that were they

still like in high school and shit were they still playing yeah all the same characters

playing well i guess it could be for daria oh diarrhea diarrhea they call it diarrhea

and they'd ask you like are you on your period do you get periods like yeah great yeah that show

sucked the daria show hey i'll be right back i'm gonna finish playing this prank call three minutes

be right back thank you and guys

whoever else I'm forgetting try to remember

who it is that was on the conference and Adam

alright thanks see ya

hey get Lux back on here

I think that's everybody

hey Ice Goose just messaged me he wants to join when the

Seahawks game is over which is

like right now

he's got

he's got my info

I told him to call in

when he's done with the game he can call

I'm not going to guess

alright let's move right along here

do a few more pranks it's 12 52 um hey you said you had some uk numbers i think they were starting

to come in yeah let me see let me see what loans i'm sent i've got an idea it might kind of suck

but it might be kind of funny toxic boogie also i gotta get those requests yeah you're right i'm

in no real rush to get off here would you believe that k bookie is fucking 420 friendly no way holy

Holy shit.

No fucking way, I'm telling you.

Kevin is, yeah.

Hey, we got some good 420 news here in Washington.

The feds came out today and said they're not going to interfere with our new law.

So I've heard.

There's a big relaxation when it comes to the Department of, or whatever, the attorney, the AG's office and the DOJ.

It's been happening for the last few weeks.

My biggest complaint against the Obama administration has been how the Department of Justice has been, you know, you had all these promises from Obama, but then you got Eric Holder doing all this bullshit.

It's about time that they, you know, other than the fact that they relaxed, which really should have been done.

I know it sounds, a lot of people argued against it, but the crack cocaine laws were kind of fucked up.

Like, for the same amount of cocaine or less, you could do life in prison or get four times the amount of a sentence that you would for having just regular cocaine, just because it was baked differently.

That's dumb.

And because the majority of people who would abuse crack are usually going to be black people, it really wasn't fair.

I mean, yeah, it's a crime, but treat it equally, dude, you know what I mean?

So that was a few years ago.

Nancy Pelosi spearheaded that, and Obama was really big on that.

The crack law, as it was called.

A lot of people said it was a form of racist policy.

They got to relax on it because Obama's fucking doing that shit in the Oval Office.

He's not doing crack.

He's not doing any of that, man.

The hell he is.

No, he's not.

All right, crazy fucker.

Add Lux back, fucks.

What's wrong with you?

I sent the contact info.

It's right there in Skype chat.

I was totally calling.

What's this? What's the name?

Here's the UK. I don't have a name. Sorry.

No teeth.

Hello?

Good evening, or good morning. How are you today?

Kathleen Beach.

It's 6 o'clock here in the morning.

Yes, who am I speaking with?

This is 6 o'clock in the morning.

Kathleen?

Kathleen.

Hello, my name is David Snozwell,

and I've been selected to participate in the US-UK Friendship Exchange,

and I've just been notified that you are to be my host for the next four months.

Yes, I've just arrived at Heathrow, and I'll be boarding a train shortly,

and I should arrive within the next couple of hours.

Yes, well, I'm already here, and I have some special needs

that will need to be attended to during the next few months.

Number one, I require four fresh grapefruit for breakfast

and fresh squeezed kiwi juice.

It helps to keep my chronic flatulence down.

Hello?

Still connected.

Hanging up a call back.

Four.

It's the flatulence, you know.

Hello, Kathleen.

I'm boarding the train right now.

I'll be there soon.

You're going to pick me up, right?

Please, I've traveled a long way.

I've been on the plane all night.

I hear a moaning.

I heard a little moaning there.

You heard that?

Oh, she's barking.

I think Mr. Kathleen was, yeah, getting his little frisky there.

Here's Edward Kirk, Captain Edwards J. Kirk.

All right.

Lux is back.

Should I try this premise again?

Yeah, that's me, the famous.

I love when he does the speed dating calls.

They're like, how old are you?

He's like, I'm 15, but I lied about my age.

That's pretty funny.

Oh, this UK number that came in, they left the phone busy, those bastards.

Yeah, they did not hang up the phone after Lonesome's confirmation call.

So here's Shepard's Bush Green.

I don't know if this is a restaurant or an inn or something,

but it says Shepard's Bush Green in London, England.

win okay all right go for it dude sounds like a golf course or something i don't know hey he said

bush shepherds bush green let's see if i can order a bush shepherds golf and green probably

so shane can i help you yeah is this shepherds sorry is this shepherds shepherd yes sir yeah

yeah yeah is it golf which car uh is it golf i don't know what do you mean with golf uh do i

play the golf there or what do i do there my cousin said to call uh are you on the door yeah

hello yeah yeah i can i can see you in uh in uh in in a camera yeah yeah let me in but where are

you i can't see you well i think i was about i was getting ready to come into your mother okay

yeah and uh you sound like a gandu are you no no are you a bancho he won't i want to know whether

or not you're a banshoed no i'm not an adventure no no well i was wondering if i could come and

stay with you and sleep with you and caress your beautiful long dark hair no wrong place man no no

they don't have the homosexual shower there ah not possible not possible for you not possible

look for a different place are you are you banshoed or are you malacca maybe if you come

Come here, we can discuss that.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Maybe we touch each other, you know, rub our hands against each other?

No, you come here and we discuss that, huh?

Oh, then you're going to come here?

By telephone is not possible.

No, you don't think so?

Say, come here and we discuss that.

Okay, what was your name, sweetheart, honey, baby?

Okay, I'm waiting for you, yeah?

Okay, bye.

Yeah, that sounds good.

I'm waiting for you.

That's not a fucking kiki

I'm waiting for you

What the fuck is that place?

Is that a golf place?

What is it, a hotel?

No, it's Shepard's Bush Green

Sounds like a party

Yeah, I wanted to make a reservation

Where are you now?

Are you in Shepard's Bush or?

Yeah, that's where I am

If you want to make a reservation

You come to the hostel

We don't make reservations over the phone

Oh, well, so I come in

And is there one toilet for everyone?

Or do we get our own toilet?

Yeah, you get your own toilet

All right.

Are they clean?

I hope so, yeah.

Do I share?

So I don't have to share a toilet with anyone?

Yeah.

What do you mean, yeah?

Yes, I do, or yes, I don't?

Yes, you do.

I don't want to share a toilet with...

Is there white people only, or what are they?

It's mainly black people.

That's disgusting.

Yeah.

Yeah, that is.

You don't have a whites-only toilet?

Not since the 50s.

No?

Oh, wow.

What toilet do you use?

We use black toilets.

Black marble?

Yeah.

Yeah, but do you have your own toilet you use for employees?

Unfortunately, no.

So I have to sit in black men's toilets as well.

It's quite disgusting.

Oh, that's crazy, man.

What about food down there?

What's going on?

It's just black food.

Black food?

Like African food?

No, just black food.

Anything that's black.

Black pudding?

It gets eaten.

Black charred chicken?

Well, I was thinking black chips, black apples.

Do you have black pudding?

Unfortunately, no.

That's very obvious, but no, we don't.

How's that obvious?

Hey, can we share a bed?

Two men, one bed?

Yeah, you can.

You want?

Nice.

Well, will you want to come?

You come with us.

You're a three-man, one bed.

Could do.

We'll split.

We'll do like a split pig.

We'll make pig roast with you.

You'll be a little piggy.

Make you airtight, dude.

Yeah, we'll make you airtight.

Three pigs in a blanket.

Yeah, in a blanket.

We'll wrap you up in a carpet also.

We'll throw you off a bridge.

No condoms.

We'll jerk off while we throw you off the bridge.

And you're like

I'm drowning

And we're both standing there

Like yeah

Fuck it he's dying

Touch me

He's drowning

Yeah

It's fucking hot

You think it's hot

When you make another man drown

Yeah

You know that movie

Zero Dark Thirty

I jerked off for like

Three times watching that movie

Yeah

All the torture scenes

Yeah

I got kicked out of the movie theater

Oh you know

As long as you're busy

Yeah

I get busy

People get bored don't you

You know

Yeah

Pass the time

There you go

Are we allowed to masturbate

In the water closet

Yeah

whatever keeps your hands busy, man, you know.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Don't take drugs, stay in school sort of thing, you know.

All right, buddy.

Yeah.

Can I rub one off in your face?

Well, dude, we're on the phone right now.

You need to physically be here.

Well, no, we can be there in 20 minutes.

Well, if I'm here, I finish at 8 o'clock, come in here.

What's the tube stop?

Well, it's already started, so.

What's that?

Look up in tfl.com, they'll let you know.

All right, tubestoporganization.com.

Yeah.

You sound hot man

You're really kind of doing it for me

We're going to call Monkey Island Hotel

There's black people there too probably

Makes me so hot

Alright bye

You can stay on if you want

You know who I just figured out

That we're still missing

Where's Milkman

I tried calling him a few times

And he's not connecting

He's sleeping again

Yes my name is Oscar

Always in hotel

Hotel, ours in the spoon.

Where are you?

I'm over here in the parking lot, in the car park.

Parking.

In the car park, yeah.

Yeah, how can I help then?

Oh, yeah, I just wanted to know about your rooms there.

Can you come share with me the bed, you know?

You're in the car park?

Yeah, can you bring the bed out here?

I want to lay down outside.

Outside, yeah?

Yeah, I want to lay down outside, but I need a bed.

You need a bed outside, yeah?

Yeah.

Okay, I can't do that.

I'll help you move it, stupid.

You can come over at reception, man.

Yeah, and then what, can I sleep there?

Yeah, you can sleep here.

Can you watch me sleeping?

Yeah, I have that.

Yeah, yes.

How about I pretend I'm sleeping and I lay down there on the counter,

and then you, like, be like, oh, wow, he's sleeping,

and then you masturbate while you're watching me,

and then you, like, pull my pants and my panties down,

and I'll keep acting like I'm sleeping, but I'm not really sleeping.

But we'll pretend.

You can come over to Deception, because I'm doing something at the moment.

What are you doing?

I'm doing some reports.

Oh, report papers?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can you read them to me?

No, I can't do that.

I'm sorry.

Is it private?

Yeah, yeah.

You can come over at reception, yeah?

All right.

And then you're going to look at me and touch yourself, right?

Yeah, it's fine.

Yeah.

Are you Indian?

Yeah, I'm here.

Okay.

All right.

See you soon, yeah?

Is it your Ulu or your Gandhu, I mean?

Gandhu?

You can come at reception.

I have no time to speak with you at the moment, yeah?

I have no time to speak with you, maybe.

Maybe it's me.

Stupid dick.

Hey, Carlito, when we do the draft tomorrow,

are we going to all get on Skype and bullshit

or are we just going to avoid that?

Yeah, let's broadcast it.

Yeah, well,

Jaiad's going to be on, right?

At that time?

Yeah, he'll be on at that time.

Yeah, at least we can't broadcast it.

But we can get on Skype, you know?

I know last year we were giving each other shit

on the Skype while we were doing the draft.

I was like,

I think I drafted someone that had

been cut or some shit.

I'm like, oh boy.

T.O. you drafted T.O.

that's right they just cut him like the day

before and I'm like are you shitting me

I can hoist

alright there you go

hey look pit bull breeders

ask if anyone wants to buy a pit bull bred with a

whippet

what the hell is a whippet

it's like a small little dog I think right

holy shit

so the pit bull can fuck the whippet

you know I know someone who had

they had a German Shepherd and Chihuahua mix

mix and it was the chihuahua was the male was the dad and i guess the chihuahua came up behind

the female german shepherd and has had its way with it we have to put like a like a stepladder

or something yeah well because that's gross that's like interracial i know she showed me a picture of

it and i was like what kind of dog is that she's like yeah that's a chihuahua german shepherd mix

i'm like oh okay then i thought about it for a second like wait what like he's just like yeah

Yeah, everyone says that.

The dog looked really cool, though, like a chihuahua.

It was, like, huge.

It was like a liger, but, like, in a dog.

Oh, yeah, it was a wicked-looking dog, but, yeah.

Wait a minute, she sent you a picture of the chihuahua

fucking the German Shepherd?

Is that what happened?

No, they just showed me a picture of the dog, the result.

That chihuahua's having the time of his life.

The chihuahua's behind the German Shepherd.

Ging, ging, ging, ging, ging, ging.

A horny little bastard, you little fuck.

Little chihuahua bastards

Rude little dogs

I don't like them at all man

They're so mean and nasty

They do that growl

Like that

I just want to kick them across the room

Little shits

I hate little dogs

I stayed with a friend when I first moved to Portland

And I fucking shaved her

Pomeranian but I just shaved like the front

Half of it's body

And left the back half puffy

It was so fucking hilarious

Oh man

man. Pomeranians.

Okay.

So, I didn't get a number

though. This guy sent that as a request.

A pitbull bred with a whippa,

but no number. So, I don't know.

He just wants us to call pitbull people or something.

Yeah, well, I'll get right on that.

Good idea.

Thank you.

K-Boogie.

You get like a quarter of a gold star

for being stupid.

Yeah, I'm looking for K-Boogie here.

Just a tip, guys.

When you submit a request to Perank,

It really helps to put the phone number in it.

A phone number helps out, yeah.

Ideas are cool, but phone numbers are even better.

K Boogie, who's 420 friendly.

Did you want to do this one, Ken?

Ken?

Yo.

Yo, what's up, Mr. Holloman?

I think Ice Goose wants to do it.

All right.

Is this a prostitute that's 420 friendly, or what?

No, they want to rent a room.

I think his name is K Boogie.

I'll post the deets here in the Skype chat.

Just a moment.

Copy pasta.

That was a good game, huh, Ice Goose?

Good game, huh?

Yeah.

We kicked the shit out of them.

How did Warren Moon play tonight?

He did better than Sonny Sexkiller did.

Yeah.

For real.

All right.

You guys ready then?

You guys ready for the fucking prank call?

Here it is.

I don't know who wanted to do K-Boogie.

Oh, sorry, Ken.

I did give out your email.

I thought you knew all these people.

Hey, you've reached Keisha of Grounder.

Currently, I'm away from the phone, so please...

Oh, it's Keisha Boogie.

Ah, Keisha and Boogie.

Got it.

Wow.

Sorry, Ken.

My bad.

Peace.

You've reached Keisha.

Currently, I'm away from the phone, so please leave.

Going straight to voicemail.

I bet she's a freak.

She's on the phone right now, I think, because she's going right to voicemail, or her battery's

dead.

Her phone is dead.

Boogie, where?

Is that where you, like, are those the panties you put on when you do the ass-shaking videos

on YouTube?

Yeah, that's it.

Peace.

You've reached Keisha.

Boogie shorts.

Okay.

Now I'll answer this.

So what batteries would he be talking about?

Batteries?

Huh?

Nothing.

Never mind.

You lost me.

You lost me with that, too.

Sorry.

All right.

Brad has sent in those Twitter complainers.

Here's one.

Harding.

Hastings.

Is she complaining?

Tonya Harding?

Yeah.

No, totally fuck her.

Yeah.

Even now.

Crazy in bed, man.

Yeah.

I don't know, bro.

She'd rip out a pipe and start beating you.

Start beating the shit out of you.

I don't care.

I'll do it.

That's awesome.

Go ahead, beat me.

Beat me, woman.

Twitter complainer, she'll never stay at another extended stay because what?

The rude staff and horrible customer service.

Boo-hoo.

All right, let's give her a call.

Extended stay.

Who wants to take it?

Those places suck.

I don't know.

If anyone wants it, yell.

Is it Comfort Inn or what is it?

Extended stay.

They're like all one company now, aren't they?

I don't know.

Yeah.

It's just hotels.com.

She's going to answer.

Your call has been forwarded to the automated voice messaging system.

Trying again.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

Yeah.

All right.

Here's the next one that I just posted there.

Complaining about her home security.

I had talked about it before.

I don't know if I tried it.

Ken should take this.

Ken should take this one.

All right.

Ken's the perv.

I don't think I talked to her already.

Talked about it, but didn't talk to her.

I had no idea Comcast did home security.

Be fearless this year.

That's right.

I did call that before, and there were no answers.

And I think I've got one more of these that I can try.

Oh, the lady from last week who isn't answering.

Never mind.

All right, guys.

No Twitter complainers.

Sorry.

Sorry to get your help.

Any more?

Shit.

There weren't many a moment ago when I last looked.

Let me go back and see.

I had been calling them as they were coming in.

Someone sent in a number for a PetSmart in California.

That's closed by now.

And a 24-7 locksmith here in Louisiana.

Try that.

That'd be cool.

I wonder if you can make a key to my chastity belt.

There you go.

A key to my mistress's chest.

All right, here it is.

Locksmith, someone take it.

Thank you for calling Alfred's Safe and Log Company.

Hello.

Yes, Alfred.

Can I speak with Alfred?

I've got a lock that I need to get open immediately.

Yes, my name is David.

D-A-V-I-D.

Last name is Snoswell, S-N-O-S-W-E-L-L.

S-N-O-S-W-E-L-L. What's the address, Mr. Snoswell? Is this for a residence or a business?

Well, it's not exactly a residence. It's a lock, but it's not attached to any kind of a residence.

What is it on?

Well, it's a little bit embarrassed, but it's on a person.

Excuse me?

It's on a person.

What do you mean it's on a person?

Well, the lock in question is attached to a person.

Look, I'm having a really hard time talking on the phone because I can't access my hands right now.

I'm just going to get him to try to unlock my handcuffs.

I was thinking it's a kinky sex game.

Yeah, Sprint Company.

I called last week about a problem I have with these springs.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Did you get the message from last week?

No, I did not.

Do you need to talk to Billy?

He's the guy that usually handles this stuff.

Who are you?

Yeah, we need to talk to Billy.

You need to talk to Billy?

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah, we got big spring.

This spring keeps making this noise.

Yeah, let me hear that again.

Yeah, it sounds like you got some issues there.

There's a problem there, I think, right?

Do you have any idea what we can do?

Let me hear it one more time.

Let me try.

Okay.

Every time when I try to start the machine, it goes and makes this noise.

Yeah.

I hear it again.

Did you purchase that spring from us?

Yep.

Yeah, from Exact.

Do you have any spring grease?

Spring grease.

You know, I can look into that.

I don't normally handle the greasy situation.

You know what I ought to do is I ought to connect you up with Billy

because he's the guy that handles his stuff.

Oh, sure.

Yeah.

Can you hold on a minute?

Yeah, we'll be here.

We're waiting.

Okay, okay.

Hold on, please.

I'll hold off.

We'll connect you.

It's urgent.

Okay.

Billy was the guy you talked to last week, the guy that got pissed.

I don't think he connected you.

He hung up on you.

Yeah, it sounded like a pick-up-and-hang-up.

We'll call him back.

It's at the spring.

Yeah, we were calling for Billy.

You were transferring me and I hung up.

You know what?

Yeah, I think we got disconnected.

Roger, hold on.

I'll get him for you.

All right, buddy.

Tell him that Charlie's still in the hospital.

We had to remove his eye.

Talking with you soon.

Please hold the line.

We'll be right back with you.

He still has a spring in his eye.

They haven't been able to remove it from his eye yet.

When he blinks his eye, it sounds like this.

Yeah, Billy.

Hello.

Is that Billy?

Yeah, this is him.

Yeah, we have a problem with the spring machine here.

We're using some of your springs, and whenever we try to start it,

it doesn't go and it just makes this noise.

Is that the sound it's making?

Yeah.

You need some spring grease on there.

Yeah, do you have spring grease?

You can use some schmutz on there if you want to.

Some schmutz?

Yeah.

Baz had a rule.

Well, what's your address so we can send you some of that?

Baz can help you with that because there's someone in the hospital too.

Yeah, remember we called you last week, and Charlie had a spring fly out.

He's in the hospital still?

still yeah and he's still in the hospital they can't get they can't remove the spring from his

eye whenever he blinks his eye it does this it makes a lot of noise it's quite serious we need

to we need to talk about the hospital bill i mean we're not liable for this we didn't make the

hold on hold on here hold on hold on don't put me on hold we need to resolve this you know we

Make Charlie blink his eye again.

We're in Charlie's hospital room right now.

I see.

Well, I don't know.

It's just some machine.

Dot matrix.

Yeah, dot matrix.

Dot matrix.

Dot matrix version 12, it says.

I see, and it doesn't go.

We start it up, and then it just makes that noise.

Okay.

Watch, listen, listen.

See?

Yep.

I mean, it never used to make that noise before we put your spring in.

That's just, we're trying to backspace the machine.

It doesn't want to go.

Did you try a total reboot?

Yeah, let me try.

We did, but it shot a spring right into my fucking nuts.

All right, reboot.

It hurt.

I'm doing a total reboot right now.

Are you all right?

It's a good thing I've been having kids.

Probably notify our R&D situation.

Yeah, let them know these Chinese springs of yours are no good.

They need more spring grease.

Spring grease you're looking for.

Yep.

Mr. Wu said this wouldn't happen anymore,

But it's still happening

And Billy

Yeah, Cross can give that to you

I can, Mr. Snozzel can give that to you

You need to speak to Mr. Scott

Yeah, Mr. Scott

No, no, he's here

He's here

That's just our nickname for our friend Brent

Oh, wow

Is Brent here?

Mr. Brent can tell you the address

Yeah, we'd be happy to send out a

If not him, maybe Mr. Holliman can

I'm the lawyer

Yes, this is our attorney, Mr. Holloman.

He specializes in springs.

Is that Carlito Holloman, by chance?

No, it's John Holloman.

John Holloman.

You better not hang up on him.

Yeah, don't hang up on John Holloman.

No, we would not do that.

Yeah, you're going fucked up if you do that.

Whoa!

You're a lawyer.

Yeah, it's all right.

He's a lawyer, Cameron.

I'm a lawyer.

Do you have the extra strength, Spring Grease?

Well, I'm here for the lawsuit.

Is that Water Baker?

Because I think we're going to sue.

Is it water-based or petroleum-based?

It's a petroleum-based spring loop.

That's not good.

That's not safe.

That's not good at all.

That's not good for the environment.

That's another lawsuit.

You want to pay $50 million for that?

That washes down into the water system, man.

Kill all the salmon.

Yeah.

That's not cool, man.

It's just as bad as those springs you guys got caught dumping into the river that all the fish were eating.

Yeah, I saw that on 2020.

Yeah, they had all these fish

Swimming around and they were like

Spring River

Yeah

Do you get your springs from

Is that where you get them from

I thought you pumped them out of the ground like a spring

Wow, I was totally wrong

About that one

Is Ken the journalist here

He's the one that did the story on 2020

Yeah, he did all the research

On the spring fish

Mr. Kniff

No.

I'm sorry, sir, but journalists don't rest on the holidays.

I'll be all around.

News doesn't rest, and neither do we.

We need to resolve this immediately.

Sir, do you send out some of your personal...

Yeah, I think that we need to shut down your whole operation until this is resolved.

Yeah, we're going to need some of your own personal lube is what we're going to need.

Well, so be it.

So be it.

That's fine.

I'm from the corporate office.

It's on you.

I'm giving the order

shut it all down

I'm fucking

corporate office

you're welcome

corporate office loves you

have a good labor day weekend

thanks you too

they got a kick out of that

the springs

my springs are broken

whatever he wants his eyes

that was fun

why would they dump springs in a river

back with the spring river

and pumping them out of the ground

that's feasible

you heard about the

Polak spring maker that you tried to

pump them out of the ground

let me see if I have any more numbers

I'm probably going to wrap it up here

I think you should have told him that Charlie got AIDS

from that spring shooting him in the eye

speaking of Charlie

we should try calling him again this week

yeah Charlie he was pretty

lifted last week where is he at here

probably old dew drop machine

I just feel like I don't have closure yet on that call.

How much more closure do you need?

The guy cursed at you.

I'm going to start collecting cats off of the street and selling them to Charlie by the pound.

We want some boneless, by the way.

Why don't you just tell him that I've been living in fear the whole week because he said he was going to call the police.

You know what movie sucks?

I saw that new Judge Dredd movie.

It's a piece of shit.

Wasn't too bad.

It sucks.

That urban guy.

I don't like his voice at all.

The guy that plays Dredd.

I kept thinking, why is Dr. McCoy talking like, dressed up like Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voicemail.

If you want to watch a couple good movies, watch the Olympus Has Fallen.

That was a good one.

And the new Evil Dead movie.

Those are both pretty good.

All right.

Yeah, that Olympus one was pretty good.

I haven't seen that yet.

I heard good things about it.

Riley, you posted a bunch of numbers here.

Lux, rather, you posted a bunch of numbers here, including Santeak train and accessories for sale.

Here we go.

I guess that's Santeak.

That reminds me of that Jerky Boys column where we called up on in to buy the train

and asked if he could bring his kid along and they would play with each other's cocks.

I don't remember that.

I don't remember that either.

The guy was getting really creeped out.

If you watch Evil Dead, you'll fucking enjoy it.

I guarantee it.

Is that a prank call in it?

A lot of blood and guts, though.

Hey, how you doing? I'm looking for Harry Sacks.

Come on, answer.

I need a toilet to flush through.

I wonder if they'll sell a conductor hat, because I got touched by a conductor once.

It's your fantasy now.

Inappropriately?

Yeah.

I can only get aroused if it's a conductor.

With a conductor hat.

And the overalls.

And they can yell, choo-choo.

You know, that flap in the back of the overalls?

Hello?

I don't like how they have fucking voicemails

hello

coal stains on the hands

here's the next one which is

autographed copy of Bill Clinton's

memoirs

I wonder what she's up to

convince them that the book has sex tips

and how to use a cigar properly

they have to insert the cigar

and then afterwards you put it in your mouth

and you say it tastes good

and you smoke it

I saw the line in the grocery store

The sex tape is out

The National Enquirer has a sex tape

Oh, cool

Who has a sex tape? Blue Ivy?

Yeah, National Enquirer or something like that

Or one of those trash magazines

The sex tape of who? Monica?

Bill, yeah

No, get out of here

Well, it's, you know, the fucking

National Enquirer, whatever rag

That trash

They've all been forwarded to

Cigar fucking

The National Enquirer

is usually pretty right on.

They got a hold of him.

Oh, what the fuck's his name?

Shit, I'm drawing a blank here.

Oh, the guy...

Maybe it's the National...

That globe or whatever.

The fucking...

You know, the double baby

of that shit.

You're talking about the guy

that he ran for...

He was vice president candidate.

Well, he was the president

of the candidate.

And he had the...

He had the baby.

And he had the baby.

John Edwards?

Yeah.

His wife is dying of cancer

and he's having an affair and got her pregnant.

Fucking asshole.

What do you want?

You called?

Yeah, what do you want?

You got something for sale?

Yeah.

You got Bill Clinton's book?

Oh, yeah, dude.

I'm selling the trains.

Yeah, that's great.

Where's all the trains?

It's autographed?

It is?

Yeah, good.

I wanted to know if I could wipe my ass with it.

I wanted to buy it.

How much?

Oh, what?

I'll give you $200 for it,

but I'm just going to let you know

I'm going to be wiping my ass with all the pages.

I'm going to destroy it after I buy it.

I hope that's not a problem.

it's mine when i buy it hello i thank you brother what you think i will no fuck you stupid i don't

like bill because he fucks the negro persuasion do you mouth breather yeah bill clinton uh yeah i

know lives in harlem he's got an office in harlem i know that much um you gotta respect somebody

that gets their dick even near hillary clinton i mean jesus christ jesus christ i don't know

know they've been doing anything for a while now i don't think so hey beanie babies the the big

the retirement gimmick of the 90s the beanie baby oh my fucking god my dad just my dad

his wife gave us a shitload of those for our kids they were still their packages

fucking beanie babies i have one on my ass right now ask if they have any that are anatomically

Correct

They made so many of them that they don't have any value

Stupid

Yeah how much are those beanie babies

Excuse me

How much are the beanie babies

They're so low I'm running up at 50

Okay and I wanted to see about

I'm going to buy them because I'm going to boil them in a pot

With some onions

And potatoes and carrots

And eat them

Once I buy them there's not going to be a problem if I destroy them

Right

Right, right.

Hello?

I always wanted to fuck a Beanie Baby.

I'm going to make a Beanie Baby stupid.

Could you hear me in the background at all?

Fuck it, would you?

I heard you, Ken.

What's that Cranky Anchor's called?

Beanie Babies.

I don't know.

Was there?

Yeah.

I just remember the Carl Malone stuff.

Yeah, that was the Carl Malone.

Beanie Baby.

It's Carl Malone.

Oh, it is Carl Malone.

You're a Carl, I think.

That was so racist.

No one ever gave Jimmy Kimmel shit about that.

What was up with that?

That chick got pissed.

Yeah.

You know, I've been listening to that other guy who was on Crank Hakers.

I've been checking his podcast out, Jim Florentine.

Oh, he's the funny guy.

Yeah, he's funny.

Oh, shit.

I just yanked the cable out here.

His podcast about, I don't know, maybe two months ago, he did it where he just broke

down all of his prank call history.

It was like an hour and a half.

It was pretty cool.

Did he really?

That's cool.

I didn't know Jimmy Florentine had a podcast.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's about just different topics, you know, about different things that he hates, and he goes on and on about it.

But the one that keyed me into it was that he was on, I think he was on Bill Burr's podcast, and then I started listening to the Jim Florentine one.

But yeah, the one about six episodes ago was just about all of his whole prank call history and shit like that.

It's pretty cool.

Did he talk about the one where, remember, he was giving the grandpa a bath?

And he drowned the grandpa.

he tried no that's what he went into he went into trouble for that one but he got in trouble for

like uh there was one that was never really aired because he had his his roommate or whatever like

in the background with a vacuum cleaner and his girlfriend like screaming and he was saying he

was doing a like an in-home abortion and the cops straight came in oh my god

yeah he's got the one that's the old man i was like he's like yeah i'm giving my my dad a bath

And he kept standing up and peeing in the tub.

And he finally, like, he stuck his head under water so he could talk to the lady.

And she's like, don't kill him.

He's like, oh, no, he's fine.

And you hear the old man.

Then he, like, he got quiet.

He's like, oh, shit, he's dead.

What do I do?

So when can you ship that shit out to me?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, my favorite one is, like, I don't know.

There was, like, this black lady, I guess, I called.

And she was like, did you call to order these magazines?

Like, no, I don't think so.

So it's like, do you have anyone there?

Any kids that might have called?

He goes, yeah, let me check.

And he leaves and he comes back and goes, oh, no, I don't have any kids.

And she's like, you don't have any kids.

What?

He's like, what's so fucking stupid?

He was eating Doritos the whole time and shit.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he's like eating.

Yeah.

There you go.

That's where I got that idea from.

Then there was the one where he called a guy or a guy called him and he said that he was a little down because he got some bad news.

He was just diagnosed with AIDS.

trades said yeah i met some guy under the boardwalk and it sounds just like you what's

your name and the guy says oh my name is brandon he goes yeah that's right it was brandon and it

was underneath the boardwalk and he told me you loved me and you'd call me remember that one no

i don't remember that i know i know when the telemarketer called him and he said he was dying

of uh cancer pretty soon he was trying to sell him his stuff he's like oh i want to get rid of

this stuff you want to buy and the guy's like no yeah i might buy some of that stuff sure yeah

He was just trying to get his sale.

Hey, here's the last prank of the night

because I'm tired. This one is

in the UK.

What's the name? Jazz Brown.

I take it.

Your look should do it.

Hello? Is that Jazz?

Is that Ass? Jazz. Jazz Brown.

Yeah. Is that a girl's name or a boy's name?

I don't care. Here's

not Brent. Who's going to go? Baz. Baz is going to

take this. I got a lot of shit. Yeah. Hey, my name

is David Snowswell. How are you doing?

Are you there, Ms. Brown?

Here I am, Ms.

Take the phone out of your ass, mom.

Okay, bye.

She sounded angry, but didn't really get down to it.

Lux, are you attentive?

Lux?

Yeah, I'm here.

Yeah, hey.

Hey, you're talking to David Cotton in the UK, all right?

Because you didn't do a call tonight.

I don't think that's fair.

All right.

You've been waiting patiently.

David Cotton.

Can I speak to David Cotton, please?

Hello, man.

Please.

Thank you.

Hello.

Is this David?

Yes.

My name is Kyle Rockington.

I'm calling from the minister's office.

The prime minister.

I've got a serious issue.

It's a 911 alert from your actual residence.

From what?

There is an alert.

There's an alert from your residency, sir.

Sorry, what are you talking about?

I'm calling from the prime minister's office.

I'm talking about a radiation leak coming from your residence.

Radiation leak from where?

Yes, there is a gamma radiation leak coming from your residence.

What residence? What residence?

From your home. There is a gamma radiation link.

From what home are you talking about?

I'm talking about your home.

Which home?

Your home.

What home are you talking about?

The one that you're in right now.

What address is that?

It's your address.

What is my address? What is my address?

45 Palmyra Square.

Sorry?

Four or five Paul Miro Square.

What Prime Minister?

Whose Prime Minister are you talking about?

The Prime Minister of England.

Sorry?

I'm calling from the Prime Minister of England.

The Prime Minister of who?

England.

You are saying that there's some radiation from my flat.

David Cameron.

I'm saying that there is a gamma radiation leak coming from your flat.

flat we've got dr bruce banner on his way eca to come and fix this problem do you understand

no i don't and i think you're talking rubbish no i'm not talking rubbish dr bruce banner is on his

way to fix this problem please stay indoors i'm sorry i'm sorry uh you're talking rubbish i will

talk to the management of our flats about this i'm i'm from the prime minister's office though

I'm going to quarantine you.

Sorry?

I'm issuing a state of quarantine.

You are not allowed.

You're not allowed to leave.

No, I'm sorry.

That's rubbish.

Absolute rubbish.

It's absolute rubbish.

No, sir.

You have to stay by yourself in the closet for the next four hours.

Do you understand?

I have to stay in the next four hours in my flat?

Yes, and you cannot leave until Dr. Bruce Banner gets there to fix the gamma radiation problem.

No, I'm sorry.

No one will come to this flat.

uh no one will come to this flat at all and um your your flat is under quarantine by issue of

the queen of england this is absolute rubbish this is absolute rubbish you are talking absolute

rubbish and i'm calling the police there's no need to call the police this is not rubbish

only for that it's not a municipal issue all right that was good yeah you do a pretty good

british voice there that's a good british accent he's gonna call the police because it's rubbish

That was good.

That's hella funny.

I got rubbish about Gammary.

Don't piss off Dr. Banner.

All right, Lux, see you later.

You have a good one there, buddy.

Bye.

Bye, Lux.

See you, Lux.

All right, Lux is gone.

Anything special on the air this weekend, you guys?

I don't know.

No?

Okay, good.

You and I are doing a show tomorrow.

Cool.

Well, have fun, Jaiad and Ice Goose.

Enjoy that, and you have a good night there, buddy.

Wait, wait, wait.

What?

Don't hang up on John Hallman.

Okay.

John Holloman hangs up on himself

That was awesome

Very well played John Holloman

Okay Enigma see you later man

I'll get with you on the chat machine

Okay yeah see you later man

Message me when it's done

See ya

Okay and Aaron you're gonna be on this weekend

Are you busy

We were talking about maybe Sunday

But fuck the last part of the summer

Has been insane for me

Yeah a lot of vacation

Well there you go

We'll look out for that.

See you.

Bye.

All right.

Penis balls and cock.

There you go.

And vaginal openings.

Ken, you're out of here.

Good luck tomorrow with the draft.

Yeah, I got a piece of shit fan right in the background,

but I'm going to fuck you in the ass week one of fantasy football.

Sure you are.

Maybe I'll change that.

I don't know.

I'll see whoever gets the worst picks in the draft,

and that's who I'll have to be the person I go against.

See you, Baz.

That'll probably be you.

Bye, Baz.

Yeah, on my ass.

Yeah, on your ass.

Okay, everybody, we're out of here.

I am Carlito.

This has been the Madhouse Radio Show.

Hey, I'm still here.

Well, you're out of here.

You're out of here anyway, see?

Sign out.

Now you're out of here, dickweed.

All right, well, sorry, Baz.

No offense meant.

Thanks for tuning in for August 29th Madhouse Radio Show.

You all have a good weekend, a good Labor Day weekend.

Yeah.

Be sure to tune in to MadhouseLive.com, Madhouse Radio,

all weekend for your prank call gets.

Also, the PhoneLosers.org, Phone Losers stream, the PLA stream,

and thanks to Blue Planet Frank Radio for having us on as well.

Good night, everybody.

Good night.

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

She's on you.

Visitors at madhouselive.com.

And they call them muppets, which is a British term that means a stupid, ignorant person.

Calls (31, 1 h 33 min of 2 h 53 min)

Transcript

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