Are You Plank Call?

My story begins in one of the manufacturing plants of the Worldwide Business Machines Corporation.

Every worker that I got in this store today, I know for a fact that I got none of them good marijuana.

And I know you ain't nothing but a little prick starting trouble, so just get off of my phone, okay?

Oh, thank you so much.

When I get comments like that, I just absolutely love it.

And you are a freaking fruitcake.

She need to call a psychiatrist.

I'm not playing no fucking games, man.

I, I fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making a stupid comment.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

You're not perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Okay, hi everybody.

Good morning.

Good morning, you bitch.

all right madhouse morning madness frank calls in the afternoon morning send your request if you

have any thank you guys uh i am calling churches church machines in the target city for the week

this is what we did last week when we called georgia town in georgia this week we're calling

a town in south cathedral hey how you doing god bless you hello i said god bless you who

May I help you?

I said God bless you.

What did we say back when we said God bless you?

Oh, I can't hear you very well.

God bless you!

Yes.

Yes what?

What do you mean yes?

May I help you with something?

Yeah, you can start by responding correctly to God bless you.

And God bless you.

And God bless us and God bless the church.

And God bless the pastor, right, of the church.

and god bless all the staff and the choir and the lector right you know god bless the building fun

and god bless greek festival when it happens again when's that coming up next year around

easter right greek fest it's in may in may yeah god bless that you know god bless the weather

when the greek fest comes is there something i can help you with yes i was calling because i

i wanted to see about delivering a cake there um now i was a little concerned because this is

supposedly an erotic cake uh it's well i mean i don't know have you ever heard of this kind of

cake before no i don't know what you're talking about is this for a function yeah and we're

supposed to deliver a cake but someone checked down here that it's supposed to be one of the

erotic cake so it's a chocolate it's a brown chocolate cake in the shape of a man's sexual

organ i don't think that's appropriate for the church i think maybe we have a mistake

do you know any reason why they would order uh no the the male uh organ the male sexual organ

who's the group that ordered this what's the name of the group

it's uh it's like some kind of name gus gus you know gus g-a-s g-u-s you know a gus that

we're in a nick nico nico nico gus gus and nico i think something and nico yeah you know nico

no i'm not a member here i'm employed here but i'm not a member here oh you're not you're a

non-believer no i'm not a non-believer i'm just not a member of this church oh you go to another

church so is there a function that that this would be to be delivered for i don't know i think it's a

a i think it's like a there's a wedding happening a wedding but this is this is before the wedding

this is when the men get together what date was this uh shit it's october god damn it i can't see

it on here they've okay well when you when you're able to get it all together here it is it's

october october 22nd what was that the 22nd yeah this goddamn papery you know they printed out all

wrong all the goddamn time over here these days so i didn't think i didn't think it was appropriate

if you can't use correct language hey listen grandpa take it easy grandpa take it easy young

man well you can use gd somewhere else when you clean it up you can call back no i forgot for a

second where i was calling i'm just a cake maker i just make it okay well this is the church so you

can use gd with your with your regular customers okay i'm sorry please forgive me father i'm sorry

i'm sorry can i do confession right i'm sorry please okay all right and i also i wanted to

confess when is your when is your function october 22nd october 22nd yeah and it's supposed to be for

a bachelor party i guess the guys are going to come and well it's not going to be here at the

the church so well the wedding's in the church and they said that this penis cake needs to be

delivered there for october 22nd well october 22nd it's a tuesday and we don't have any kind

of function going on here so you better get your uh address correct yeah i don't think that's right

because how why would a church get a cake that's in the shape of a man's sexual organs right that's

correct that doesn't prove your point unless you unless you wanted to see one you know if you're

are curious okay good that was fun that was fun first call of the day as i've committed a grave

sin all right now moving right along holy crap uh moving right along let's see uh we can call

the third church ask them about erotic cakes coming to the church it's funny i called him

grandpa he didn't like that

I said hey little grandpa

I got your grandpa right here

I think that was like the head priest

that was the pastor

got on

cause she put my speakerphone and I'm talking about

god damn this

and what else did I say did I say the penis

I think I said something else

and they took me off the speakerphone

that's when the minute she put my speakerphone

I was like alright

hey listen Karen how are you

howdy god bless you god bless you

Thank you.

Can you say it back?

God bless you.

Can I help you with something?

You can.

Come on, sister.

You're my sister in Christ, right?

God bless you.

Well, thank you.

You have a nice day.

You're supposed to say it back.

Oh, what a bitch.

All the white churches don't like saying God bless you, guys.

What's up with that?

Thank you for calling to the church.

Office hours are 830 to 430, Monday through Friday, and 830 to 11 on Sunday morning.

Holy Communion is celebrated every Sunday morning at 7.45, 9, and 11.15 a.m.

Sunday school is at...

Oh, God, it's taking too long just to leave a fucking message.

Forget it.

Blah, blah, blah.

I don't care.

All right, let's move right along here with a little bit of music.

I'm going to look for another place to prank call.

I haven't even looked at request to prank yet.

We might have some requests that have come in within the last few days.

Yeah, here's some.

including one that just came in right now

about less than two minutes ago

from a user named

Turtle John

Turtle John that is

hope you're all having a super week

hope you had a great three day weekend

if you're afforded

the ability to have a three day weekend

I hope it was super

okay zeroing in

back on the map machine here

let me see who else I can call

here's Big Brothers Big Sisters

Sisters, what's that about, right?

I'm going to ask him if I can just play basketball.

I just want to play basketball.

How about I act stereotypical black, like on purpose, like very poor black voice.

I'm trying to act like I'm a brother, but I'm just like a white guy doing it.

Let's do that.

Good morning, big brothers and big sisters.

How may I help you?

Hey, good morning, sir.

How are you?

Doing good.

How are you?

Yeah, I wanted to come down and play some basketball, you know, for the little brothers and sisters down there.

I just wanted to show them some basketball moves.

Sorry, so you're at the wrong location.

Well, how do you become a big brother?

Make an appointment to come in and we'll fill out an application.

And bring in an AIDS test and all that?

No, we don't do an AIDS test.

We do a background check and check three references.

Do you do a gay test?

I don't know if there's a test for that.

There is. Yeah, you just check the genes. It's in the genes. You know, it's genetic. It's in the genes. You just, you pull the genes down.

All right. That's good. That's good. Very, very progressive of you. Do you offer medical and dental 401k, stuff like that?

Now you're on a salary. You're not some volunteer machine yourself, right? You sound like a nice young buck. Got some nice healthy gums on you. Nice drawn back.

So we do have a staff here and we're mostly operated on volunteers.

tears oh you're like that machine what's that called what's the code if you're a you know you

don't pay taxes you're a 10 41 10 49 lk something like that a 10 10 104 b what is it i don't know

sir you have any questions about the program uh yeah so how much basketball do i get to play

and how much how many lifting weights do i do when i'm locked up when you're locked up where

Well, is it for real, like, all you do in jail is you sit around, and I heard you don't watch so much TV anymore, where you play basketball on the rec yard and stuff, and you lift weights.

Did they take weights away, too?

I think they did, right?

Sir, I don't know anything about that.

Do you have any further questions about our program?

If not, it was nice talking to you.

no but my friend recommended he said that the people that answer here might know a little more

about what it's like to be incarcerated like the whole experience scared straight you know

yeah man what's up i don't think you just sit around and watch tv anymore because everyone

all the time all they do is sit around and watch tv it's great it's the life and they took away

those fuckers tvs in prison up the boys up in the pen man this one goes out to all you homies in the

pen uh that was borderline racist because i got into the hole he is a good strong he's like a

strong buck with nice gums and a nice strong back wow i just sized him up like i was at the auction

fucking yard right isn't that disgusting of me i'm sorry guys i i really shouldn't talk like that

I do it just for fun, you know, it's all aha, but sometimes I do feel guilty.

I do think, you know, it's, it's, I hope, I hope everyone knows that I try to be an

equal opportunity offender.

I make fun of Hispanics here all the time.

I'm Hispanic.

Both my parents are Hispanic.

So, you know, I make fun of white peoples also and all that.

I don't ever come on here with an agenda.

I just make fun of all the things that are funny to make fun of.

you gotta i gotta laugh when i sometimes i gotta laugh funny hear jokes about hispanics because

some of you know some of the shit's funny we're fucking goofy ass people man we're goofy ass

people and let's admit it a lot of us are fucking scary fucking people those scary ones in orlando

man that place is fucked up some fucking beaners there number one after you hey i wanted to make

an order you little bitch hello yes i'd like to make an order please okay go ahead all right

Right, and suck on your tits.

I wanted to make an order for number four.

Hello?

Number four.

Four.

Number four.

Uh-huh.

Lunch is based on number four or appetizer number four.

Appetizer number four.

Is it fried dumpling or steamed dumpling?

Fried, please.

Fried dumpling, okay.

Fried, yes.

Fried.

Okay, thank you, honey.

And also, I need one egg drop soup.

Small or large?

Large.

Okay.

Okay, and then one beef and broccoli lunch special.

Okay.

All right, with no sauce.

Okay.

No sauce, okay.

And does that come with egg roll?

How many egg roll?

Does that come with an egg roll?

No, no egg roll.

No egg, what does it come with?

Nothing?

No soda or nothing?

Top fried eggs.

Okay, okay, good.

That's it, damn it.

Okay.

God, how long, damn it?

15 minutes.

15 minutes?

Yes.

And you need my name?

yes phone number please oh boy honey hang on i got a new phone this always happens to me hang on

i got you can you give me a second okay look it up honey oh shit it's in that goddamn thing over

here i really should just write it down you know i should just write it down until i remember it

by heart so i keep forgetting it's in a paper i got from the people all right all right here it

as i found it honey all right so 12 okay so it's fried dumpling logic it's just soup and the beef

broccoli lunch no sauce right that's right okay 15 minutes okay okay i'll see you then bye okay bye

bye all right we'll call her back later that's fucked up though so why am i doing that she didn't

do anything wrong they'll just eat it they'll feed it to the dog yeah that's what i'll tell

So, ah, you feed it to the dog.

No harm done.

Well, we'll call back number one China and apologize.

That was real fucked up.

Parkhouse Bed and Breakfast.

Let's give them a call here on the phone line.

Thank you for tuning in.

Thanks for those who have sent in a few requests here and there.

I'll be trying to get to those here in just a moment.

I'm usually not on for very long when I do these shows in the afternoon.

And then I try to do a little bit of something.

hey boy how are you okay how you doing boy that's great i wanted to see about coming down there

and how nice and quiet is that you got a lot of people that stay there every night how many rooms

get filled up and shit sometimes it's busy sometimes it's not busy i like a nice not busy

times i want to go there and pork my wife you know before work have a good day oh come on

i want to pork my wife guys yeah of course i want to pork my wife who wouldn't of course of course

porkhouse how may i help you yeah i like to order a blue waffle

and he hung up he said porkhouse though that's funny porkhouse tonight that's that's the name

of the show from now on we're going to change it from madhouse to porkhouse guys i think that

That makes more sense when you look at a video of me, at least.

All right, moving right along.

There's a place called the Beattie House.

What the fuck?

Paper Dolls Legal Services.

What the fuck, Paper Dolls?

What's that about?

Whatever you say, bro.

I guess it's one of those women legal offices like Gloria Allred, you know?

It's a bunch of broads sitting around like sex in the city.

like an episode of sex in the city leave your message for better please leave your name and

number i'll get back with you soon it already said leave your number you don't bitch i told

you it was women all right moving right along calling another place in a location my cat's

asking for lunch he's over here headbutting me leave me alone dobby leave me alone motherfucker

uh there's a place that says it's a spa it's right by the sheriff's office come on

I don't sound like any fun. Here's an Aflac agent. Let's give her a call. Aflac agent. You know,

these assholes, they come, they would come like, remember once I was working and I was barely

making enough to pay my bills, right? And the place I worked for, they had medical insurance,

but it was shitty medical insurance. They had to change it from a good medical insurance to

this shitty one that didn't cover a bunch of stuff. But they said, oh, but what we're going

gonna do is we're gonna bring in an affleck insurance person to talk to everybody and see

about you guys signing up for uh extra medical insurance benefits and all she tried to grill me

for like 10 minutes like she was talking to me like i was an asshole because i didn't want to

pay extra money for extra insurance and i was like lady look i'm like 18 years old there's nothing

fucking wrong with me i'm fucking you know all i need anyone who's like 18 19 20 years old all

All you're concerned about if you have a job and you have to get insurance or whatever,

you're just concerned about, oh, shit, insurance, which is like you get in an accident or something

and you can cover major stuff, but nothing where it's like maintenance and all this.

You don't care about that until you start getting older or you have children, you know,

kid machines.

Hi, you've reached the Appalachian Regional Office.

I can't take your call.

Let me call her back.

Come on, bitch.

She's out there getting one of those seminars.

ours he's grilling people yeah you buy this insurance i'll kick your ass ryan says ask

ask her what she thinks about aflac being cast as batman right hi you can reach the aflac regional

office that's the wrong aflac aflac you dummy i understand that's funny good joke man gold star

big ryan for making carlito have a chuckle over here thanks man enjoy your gold star all right

we're calling the historic district the historic district apparently has a phone number doesn't

really know it doesn't hang on it's just a little mark on the map here never mind here's an animal

clinic guys let's give the animal clinic a call see how the animals are doing talk to them about

my motherfucking dog this motherfucker dog man they hate this motherfucker i got so mad at this

This motherfucking dog.

So over this motherfucking dog.

Freak Animal Clinic says, Lindsay, can you hold, please?

This motherfucking dog, you know?

This motherfucking dog.

Hello?

All right, we're holding.

Ma'am?

What?

Oh, man.

Ma'am?

That's what she said.

Ma'am?

God.

how does she just come back say ma'am and hang and and put me back on hold without saying i'm sorry

or just another moment sir or you know god i don't get it i don't get it they must be busy there

they got multiple lines in use do what dark overlord what do you want me to do a motherfucker

ask them if they have animals to the number one china buffet good point rbcp do they deliver

animal machines there yeah we need to call back in about five minutes it's number one china machine

china one machine god damn it this is taking a long fucking fuck long fucking fuck time

motherfucker i keep yelling so see if they pick up see if they pick up and hear me yell it

god damn it uh damn this taking a motherfucking long motherfucking time motherfucker

motherfucker motherfucker turd burglar is that really a turd burglar turd burglar motherfucker

turd burglar call me motherfucker get with me turd burglar that really is you boy you orange

mulatto oreo motherfucker you crazy gun crazy army boy you animal clinic this is alicia can

you please hold it's taking a long time when i'm holding on the phone okay well sir i can call you

back in a few minutes if you would like i command you to hurry up and wrap it up over there come on

wrap it up wrap it up i'll be here waiting god damn it oh shit while we wait on that here's the

handlebar which is a gay bar in this town i don't know if it's gay but i presume it is let's ask

about that or at least ask if people get confused like this is a gay bar this is a gay bar this is

Is this a gay bar?

Yeah.

No, it's a music venue.

Oh, because if, you know, they say a handle bar, you know, I was wondering.

Oh, nope.

It's a music venue.

Do you know where the gay bar is?

There's a gay bar in town where you can go, and there's, like, a wooded area in the back,

and it's all fenced in, and guys go, and they play with each other and stuff,

and it's all right, and they have sex parties.

You know what place that is?

Nope.

I'm sorry.

Sorry, I'm not familiar with it.

I think it's Bicycle Seat or something.

Could be.

I have no idea.

I'm sorry.

Have you heard of Eddie Gay Bar that might be famous here that I can call?

The only gay bar in Greenville that I knew of was The Castle.

The Castle.

All right.

That's cool.

You been there or you just know about it?

I've just heard of it.

Oh, wow.

That's crazy.

What are you doing right now?

Are you hanging out, having a good time?

I'm working.

God bless you.

What's the music venue this time of day?

What's going on?

Thank you for holding us, Alicia.

How can I help you?

Hey, Alicia.

How you doing, honey baby?

I'm fine.

How can I help you?

I was waiting for you.

This goddamn dog, man.

This motherfucker dog.

I'm telling you, if I could rename him, I'd rename him Money Pit Motherfucker.

Okay.

What can I do for you?

I'm so over it.

You know, they said he was taking the shit all over the place.

i left him at a place uh to get groomed and they said he took a shit in the kennel he took a shit

everywhere right and i took in a one place i took in a lope you know lopez that guy dr lopez he's a

veterinarian oh you're coughing and everything that's disgusting well you sick honey you gotta

close the window a little bit um does he need to be seen or something well he's taking a shit

Shit everywhere, and Dr. Lopez said $2,000, and I said, shove it up your ass, you motherfucker.

Oh, my goodness.

No, we charge $38 for the exam, and then anything extra, there would be additional charges for those things.

Oh, my gosh.

Yeah, hello?

Yeah, I'm sorry, my...

Oh, my gosh.

Hello?

All right.

What's going on, Handlebar?

What are you doing?

Well, if you want to bring him in, we take walk-ins until 5 o'clock.

The exam fee is $38.

Oh, I thought you was the Handlebar.

No.

You're not Handlebar Machine?

No.

Oh, is Dr. Handlebar there?

No, we don't have anybody by that name.

You don't have Dr. Handlebar there.

Okay.

Do you have Dr. Seymour?

Sir, if you have something about the pen, I can answer it, but I can't.

If you're just playing on the phone, I'm not going to say anything.

Do you have any Jewish veterinarians?

I prefer Jew because I am a Jew.

Whatever.

Stupid.

Okay, guys.

I'm moving on here.

here. Associates PA. Let's give them a call. Inhale. Thank you for calling the Law Offices

and Associates. Our office hours are Monday through Friday, 830 a.m. to 530 p.m. If at

At any time you wish to speak with an operator, please press zero.

Dial 4158.

Good afternoon, Mr. Associate.

Tell me I help you.

Hey, good afternoon.

How are you?

I'm good.

How are you?

God bless you.

Same to you.

Thank you, honey.

God bless the lawyers.

God bless the judges, the juries.

God bless the defendants and the prosecutors, right?

That's right.

Amen.

man and god bless telephone so we can talk on the phone and computers you have a computer honey baby

i do that's nice you know how to use it you know how to use the mouse you know how

you move the mouse around okay and you click on what you like you hit the button

and it'll open it up okay i just want to make sure that you know how to use the computer honey

you put it where the little arrow wherever you want or the little hand and you hit once or you

You do twice really fast, and it'll open it for you, okay?

Uh-huh.

That's all you need to know.

Don't worry.

Don't be intimidated by the computer.

It's the future.

Okay.

All right.

Hey, can I talk to Mr. Patterson?

There is no Mr. Patterson.

Oh, is that the first name?

No.

Who's calling, please?

Oh, this is Big Cross.

Are you a client?

Yeah, yeah, totally.

I'm friends.

I golf with all of them.

Listen, who's in right now there, big girl?

Both associates are here.

All right.

Well, put me on with one of them associates.

I just wanted to say hi real quick.

Say, hey, how you doing, boy?

Well, I'm sorry.

If it's not important, they are not able to talk right now.

Oh, no, it's important.

We're friends.

We play golf all the time.

I'm the godfather also for one of their children.

Well, I don't believe a thing you're saying because neither one of them play golf.

and they don't have any children.

So I'm going to hang up now.

Mr. Farmer and myself, please go.

I've never heard him say a thing about playing golf.

It's none of your business, woman.

Now, put Mr. Farmer, I command you to put him on the phone

or you're going to be in big trouble.

Missy.

And your name is?

This is Mr. Cross.

I command you to get him right now.

Mr. Cross.

Yes, I order you to put him on the phone right now,

and I'm writing this down.

How dare you?

Okay, I will transfer you to Mr. Farmer.

Hold on one moment, please.

This is Nathan.

Hey, boy, how you doing?

Long time.

Hey, yo, yo, you like that chip and aotle?

I got you some burrito bowl.

Those things are awesome, man.

How you been, big guy?

Who is this?

This is Big Cross.

How you been?

I don't know a Big Cross.

Oh.

You know the convention?

I had your card here, you know, and all that.

What convention?

The law convention.

I go to a lot of conventions.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah, the American law machines.

association uh i've never been to that uh that goes by like three or four names they've been

acquired over and over again how you been you crave bad remember you ate so much that we both

ate so much i never had i i'm sorry sir i'm not sure who you are and i'm just gonna hang up right

now the best steak i ever had was with you man the best steak motherfucker and associates bitch

bitch. All right, let's call that Chinese place. See, what I'm realizing, that Chinese place,

it's stupid because they're not going to react. They're Chinese. They're docile. They're going

to watch. They're going to be like, oh, okay, no. You don't call me? Why? That's it. Now,

if I called an Indian place, they got balls, you know, or Spanish food place, they'd be like,

you motherfucker, you. They get mad, and then they say, you son of a bitch. And that's what we like

here that's what we're looking for madhouse radio afternoon show for september 3rd 2013

yeah number one may i be you hey woman how are you you little shit hello yeah i made an order

for food there yes is it ready damn it your order already so seven or two phone number right yeah

okay already listen go ahead and cancel it i don't want that shit you know excuse me i don't

want it anymore god damn it so go ahead and cancel it feed it to the dog or so you got a dog back

there dog in the back in the alley go feed it to the dog give it dog food say doggy like that and

feed them the food so you want cancel right yeah whatever i don't want it yeah that's okay that's

okay I know you make the food you make a few big food I say no food for me yeah

you already know I don't want food now no food no no food are you putting cold

my plank call am i plank call wow hey boy

hey ladies hey hey what happened what are you saying what are you doing they can't hang up

they're stupid plank call holy shit very enjoyable that was hello yeah hey i'm sorry

sorry that's okay you know matt hello oh they don't care anymore she did get a little upset

there for a chinese person i didn't expect her to get that into it she said blank call

i keep mentioning that but holy shit that was funny call back and order more food i remember

when i did that with that indian place where i did it once and i i like told him i'm canceling

he got upset he yelled he said he's gonna call the cops and then i somehow i charmed him and

and backed him out of it and got him to take a second order i said i'll come down but this time

make this he's like okay i don't think he made it at one time i think he said oh yeah sure come in

and then i called back again and he sounded like he didn't care i think he didn't really make it

anyway let's continue with the prank call machine let me head over to irc chat where someone is

asking to call the uk there's a place called sancho's ask him if ask him for the special

Special Dirty Sancho's Kebab.

You want his daughter's juice topping?

Good God, sir.

I want his daughter's juice topping?

Talking about a big hairy pussy, man.

Good God, sir.

Yeah, I have the coin, but man, that's just vile.

I'm just going to take it you're not a father yourself.

Just saying.

Very nasty things about little girl.

Anyway, that's okay, man.

I know you're just kidding.

Sorry, but your call cannot be completed.

Well, the number you sent doesn't work, sir.

Check that number there, boy.

Thank you.

Now heading over to Request a Prank where we have at least one that's come in this morning

or early afternoon where I am.

Take a look and see what that was.

Let me refresh the page.

Turtle John sent a Request a Prank here of a thrift store.

They store smell like piss like I was talking about last week,

but I wasn't able to get one on the line.

Everything they sell is broken or pissed and shit stained.

Very good point, man.

It smells like piss in those thrift stores, man.

It smells like a urine.

like a big urine cake big saturated overused urinal cake with no color left on it all yellow

and no more scent no more it's just sitting there wait way past time of replacement

yeah why is everything there smell like piss and flies i'm sorry i went i got some clothes there

and i'm wearing them today at work and it smells like piss and flies yeah all the and this isn't

the first time this happened i go i come home and i smell like piss and i think it's me when i

realized that place where all the clothes clothes smell like piss this is because they're used and

you guys like what do you wash them in in toilet we don't wash the clothes sir you don't wash them

at all no oh so how do they get washed by the people who buy them oh so they're dirty clothes

that are there that's why they smell like piss they all don't smell like that you have any

any mattresses there? There are some. Do they have piss stains and pee stains and brown stains on

them? In just a minute. All right, thanks. Warsh. Oh, God, it's so hillbilly. Warsh. Warsh your

car. Warsh. They just made me hold for that. Little shits. Let me try to call them back.

Good one, Turtle John. What town is this in? It's in Georgia. Yeah, Bolton, Georgia. That's

where that warsh came from. A lot of people in Florida say it like that. A to Z.

Hey, listen, so how do you guys wash the clothes?

The manager is not here now.

Maybe you come by later, okay?

Where are you from, Africa?

Where are you, boy?

Where are you from?

The manager is not here right now, okay?

Where are you?

What's your name?

Matimbo?

The manager is not here, okay?

Is your name Seke Seiso?

Seke Seiso.

Then he changed his name to Mobutu or the other way around.

Who was Seke Seiso?

What country was that? Uganda? No, that wasn't Uganda. I think that was Zaire. He was the

dictator of... I think it was Mobutu, and then he changed it to Seke Seiko. Let me see. Seke

Seiko. Yeah, that's Mobutu. Mobutu Sese Seiko. That's what it is. He was the former president.

Yeah, up until 97, he was president of the Congo. That's what it was. But I think that was known as

Zaire at some point, wasn't it? I think it was a name change. Is Zaire still known as Zaire,

or is it it's the republic of congo now or something right or the other way around i could

be wrong no it's always been oh yeah it is currently named the democratic republic of

the congo used to be called zaire that's where the rumble in the jungle was right yeah i know

my history muhammad ali versus george foreman their first fight all right uh simu nu sent in

a number for the bull's head pub all right nu nu sent in the bull's head pub a place we have

a prank called in the past big the dad is checking in the dead's here hey the dad how are you boy

the dad keeps reporting to everybody that he's having unprotected sex with his wife all the time

now his new wife they're honeymooners you know i just got married a few months ago so all you do

dude fuck man did my honeymoon i had so much fuck it was good man fuck i'm gonna get married all

over again for the fuck how it is the dead there boy the dead just lost his virginity last

Last Thanksgiving, man.

He hasn't even been a non-virgin for a year yet.

Now he's just cream pie-ing all the time.

Jeez, Nunu.

Uh, no answer to Bullshead, uh, pub.

Let me try it a third time here.

Sorry, but your call cannot be completed.

I can't, can't call it.

Don't know why.

Oh, well.

I don't know.

That's twice now I've had UK numbers that I can't dial.

Maybe there's something up with the account.

I gotta check that.

Sorry, I tried.

Okay, moving right along here.

we got a request to call tom tell him i work in real estate and i'm keen to franchise his idea of

a real estate boot camp in the usa thinking of getting him to run seminars in the usa get him

to explain the boot camp concept and then slowly ask him if he is gay or would he consider being

bi-curious let imagination take over exclamation point so uh this guy is australian and i guess he

He works in real estate, and there's something about an idea for a real estate boot camp, I guess.

I don't know if this is an inside joke or a setup,

but this came in over the weekend from a listener in Australia.

So here we go.

Let's try that.

Service your message, please.

Yeah, I need to tell Tom that I'm looking to start a fucking boot camp and shit.

Can I get a name and phone number?

No.

Just send him the message that we're starting the boot camp and shit,

and shit, he'll know what to do from there.

Okay, thank you.

8-1-10 on the message.

That was costing me 20 cents a minute.

All right, I'm being told to make sure that I put a plus at the beginning of that call.

I thought I did, guys, but I'll try again here.

Again, we're trying to call the Bull's Head Pub, a location we've pranked several times in the history of the show.

Here we are.

Trying again.

That's what happens whenever I try to call the UK.

I'll try without the plus then.

Being told I don't need the plus.

I need the plus.

I don't need the plus.

Yada, yada, yada.

got to make up your minds. The number you have dialed is unallocated. See, that's what I get

when I don't put a plus. So you tell me, guys. You tell me what I need to do. I'm doing it right.

I just think there's a problem with the Skypes right now. I'm losing my account. Something's

going on. I always got a problem, guys, all right? I'm a stupid. All right, and that's it

for Request a Prank. Let's go ahead and go back to the map, do a few more prank calls here in

this location that i've targeted for prank calls let me go up the road here that we've been pranking

on let's see there's a historic district country ham house all right here's a labor finder too

that's cool and a hardy's and a salvation army awesome all right we got a few places to call

here let's start off with the country ham house i'm gonna ask them if they have hot ham hot ham

water you go home if you guys are fans of the arrested development series you know exactly

what i'm talking about hot ham water it's a food that's made around the holidays called hot ham

water sounds disgusting right yeah it's basically a ham boiled in water for like half a day hot ham

water tammy speaking hey you guys got hot ham water i'm sorry you guys have the hot ham water

hot ham water i'm sorry i don't know what you're saying you want to talk to tommy well yeah because

you know when you make the fucking ham it makes that water i'm sorry you know when you make the

ham and makes that water the ham water hot ham water tommy's told me to give him a call about

getting that shit that hot ham water shit drink it out of a cup i don't want to say i was sweet

with tommy all right damn it you little hussy what's the matter with that lesbian over there

huh who is it yeah this is eddie listen i need some hot ham water tommy you big crazy what i

need the hot ham water see some hot ham water yeah you know when you make the ham it comes out

with a hot ham water boy yeah you're talking about red eye gravy yeah i want that hot ham

water i want to drink it put it on my salad you know dip my sandwiches in it are you placing an

order hot ham water are you placing that order for hot ham water president carter i don't have

any hot ham water i've got red eye gravy well how do you make that red eye gravy your mother

It's our own recipe.

Make it with coffee and gravy from the ham.

Yeah, that's what I want is the gravy from the ham, you old fuck.

You want what?

I want the gravy from the ham, you old fuck.

Come on.

The hot ham water.

Well, come on, get it.

It's ready.

How much for it?

Huh?

How much for a cup of that hot ham water, you old fuck?

Dollar.

You old man.

One dollar?

Yeah, a dollar a nickel.

Yeah.

No, it's a dollar eight cents, because it's got tax.

Dollar eight.

I'm going to put it in my asshole and have you lick it out.

I want you to lick it like a Rottweiler that's thirsty and is licking out of the toilet bowl.

You know?

You call back.

I'm busy.

Like a Rottweiler that's thirsty and is licking water out of a toilet bowl.

Yes.

That's how I want him to lick the hot ham water out of my asshole.

Thank you, guys.

Jeez.

Dollar and five cents.

The corn baller.

Gerson D says the corn baller.

hot ham water goes good with corn out of the corn baller yeah you're gonna burn the piss out of your

hands in the process fuck that no thanks corn baller also sold in mexico all right that was

the country ham house well let's call this up you notice how when i talked to that thrift store in

georgia about the uh the clothing smelling like piss and everything smelling like piss in the

mattresses she didn't argue it with me she didn't say no they don't she's like yeah it smells like

like piss and that's the intel that we got from our madhouse listener who sent that in turtle john

confirmed yes it really does smell like piss and like all those they smell like piss i think people

just go in there and piss i think people just go in there and they they pull their dicks out and

just piss in the corner piss on it's like if you got these cats in your house you leave some a towel

on the floor and the cat fucking pisses on it that's what it's like cordless wants me to be

more races with white power. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Goddamn Negroes. Listen, I was calling

about the clothes that I got there. Uh huh. Nice. They smell like piss. Everything's there

smells like piss. I went I went in there smells like piss and flies. When I went to buy the stuff,

I thought it was just me or I thought it was like you or one of the employees there. I pissed

themselves or something or they had a lot of cats in the house. But that place really does smell

It smells like piss, doesn't it?

Well, sir, I'm sorry you're having a bad day.

No, it's not that I'm having a bad day.

It's just that the...

Sorry.

They don't argue it, guys.

They know.

Thrift stores smell like piss.

That's why I'm convinced people piss on their clothes before they donate them.

Like, hey, I'll donate this motherfucker.

And they piss on it.

It's horrible.

Why do that?

Don't piss on your clothes before you donate it.

She won't answer.

All right, let's call the Hardees and ask them about how the Salvation Army next door smells like piss.

and then we're gonna ask about the beef the beef you know the ground what is it roast beef they

got their roast beef sandwiches and fried chicken uh that was out of left field when hardy started

offering fried chicken like this was like 92 or something i don't know where it's like oh

yeah now we got fried chicken what they went after kfc too they were like going after kfc

hardcore like on their commercials they were like we put kfc original recipe against hardy's and

And Hardee's won out eight to two or something, right?

Eight out of ten times.

And then KFC, like, fought them back and said, yeah, but they didn't taste extra tasty crispy.

That won out.

Yep.

I don't like original recipe.

Original recipe is shit at KFC.

I could care.

I could give a fuck.

The number's busy.

I keep trying to call Hardee's and it's busy.

There's probably a certain ethnicity of worker there is blah, blah on the phone with her boyfriend.

I'm just saying that's probably what's going on.

Let's call leaders.

is a temp agency right a lot of people of the hispanic i'm sorry a lot of people of a certain

ethnicity show up here every morning early to get temp work you know and uh and white trash show up

there also for these purposes same kind of people that rent the motel room by the week

hey big girl how you doing i'm fine how are you oh that's good big mama listen i wanted to see

Eddie, what time you got to be down that motherfucker there to get some work?

What's the best fucking time?

Like six in the morning and shit?

Who is this?

This is Eddie.

How are you, honey?

Eddie who?

Eddie Cross.

Okay, Eddie.

You got to come down there, motherfucker, and be ready, right?

To work and all that.

And they come, they take you to the site.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Please don't use that kind of language.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I just, I thought we were just familiar and all.

I'm from, I was born and raised over here in this state.

God damn.

You know, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, honey.

Okay, our office hours is from 3 a.m. to 6 p.m., so any time between those hours.

And what you got kind of work, got cleaning the shit out of the toilet or, like, construction?

Okay, Eddie, we don't discuss anything over the phone.

You need to just come in, okay?

Ejaculation, you know, vagina opening.

Goodbye, Eddie.

Penises.

All right, cool.

That's what it's come to on this show.

I just start saying ejaculation, vaginal opening, and penises.

I've been doing that for two weeks now in Madhouse.

I don't know why.

Just whatever they say, I don't want to hear that.

I just start using clinical terms.

So I try to shock them without cursing.

Okay.

That's it.

Cleaning the shit out of the toilet.

Here's the ABC bartending school.

Here they will teach you how to bartend like a motherfucker.

All right.

Nice song, huh?

You guys hear this song?

Oh, nice little beat there, yeah.

Well, almost like an 8-bit nerdcore kind of thing, but not.

The beat, the beat, not the song.

Just that little beat there.

Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp.

Hey, Nick School, can I help you?

Hey, boy, how you doing there?

Doing good, how about yourself?

Good, I wanted to bartend.

You know, I wanted to throw the drinks out in the fucking place and all that.

Put them in shot glasses.

I heard that, like, if you go out drinking, if you, the bottle they have at the bar,

you make like 500 percent uh profit off of it right selling it in shots all right um so i wanted

to go i want to start making my own drinks from now on if i'm going out to party you know if i'm

going to go out to the club or the bar i'm going to drink at home then i go to the bar because

times is tough all right and then whether i can help you out are you interested in coming through

the school yeah how much is the goddamn school and shit how much is that shit sir if you keep

phone cutting and i'm gonna have to hang up on you oh i'm sorry i thought we were just familiar

with each other i'm from this i'm from here born and raised i'm sorry you sounded like you sounded

like a friend brother you sounded like a good old boy shit i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry don't don't

do it hello motherfucker the random cursing gets them too shit shit this shit that bartending

school can i help you hey honey baby how are you excuse me how you doing honey baby how are you

did you just call me honey baby yeah how are you honey uh can i ask who's calling yeah this is the

bartending schools i write honey baby i was calling because i'm interested in classes

that's worth the third call guys that's worth that's worth call yes tabachi melody not beat

Thank you.

You make me look like an asshole.

Whoa.

All right.

They're just hanging up now.

Moving right along.

We got the center of wellness.

The fuck is that?

The fuck is the center of wellness and shit?

I'm going to ask him just like that.

What the fuck is the center of wellness and shit?

Here we go.

I'm going to say, oh, that's stupid.

Oh, that's stupid.

Okay, go.

Yeah.

What is the center for wellness?

Is that what it is and shit?

Oh, yeah.

What's that mean, center of wellness?

What's that mean?

Well, we do a lot of things to fix you.

What's wrong with you?

You're all that stupid shit, you know?

Huh?

It's stupid.

Why is the doctor answering the phone anyway?

What does it matter?

What do you do?

We're at lunch.

What are you doing calling while I'm at lunch?

What do you do when answering the phone if you're allowed?

You're stupid.

You're a stupid doctor, aren't you?

Okay.

You're the stupidest doctor.

You're stupid, yo.

No, Darren, I found other people that say as well as we are.

Oh, all right.

So what do you do?

Like, do you do acupuncture?

Well, what do you want me to do?

I want you to check my prostate and milk it.

We can do that.

You can milk my prostate?

We can do that.

Into your lunch, you know?

Yeah, we can do that, too.

And then you eat.

Why don't you come by here, and I'll do that for you.

You eat my semen, you know?

Yeah, I can do that for you.

Oh, nice.

How many fingers will you use?

It's not fingers.

How would you be using it?

You're going to use your foot?

No, not exactly.

Your penis?

No, nothing that's attached to me.

Oh.

Because when you leave with it up your ass, you don't want it.

I don't want to be going with you.

Is it going to be a shotgun?

No.

It won't be a shotgun.

Oh, can I rub your hair and touch your hair?

Yeah.

Now, what is your deal here?

What's your problem when you're getting off and calling doctor's offices and doing stuff like this?

Well, because it looks stupid.

What is wrong with you?

Because you're stupid, you know.

I think it's the other way around.

What's with you that you got to call somebody's office doing something really probably illegal and irrationable?

What is it?

I don't know.

I'm stupid.

I'm stupid, yo.

I'm stupid.

You know, I do bath salts.

Yeah, I don't believe that.

I don't think you know what bath salts are.

Yeah, I know what bath salts are.

You can buy them at the gas station, old man.

Come on, Grandpa.

Yeah.

Yo, you're stupid, yo.

Yeah, that's it.

I don't think you even know what the hell I am.

What are you eating?

What's your lunch, Doctor?

What's so healthy are you eating?

Yeah, I'm not eating right now.

What were you eating?

I'm being held up as far as not being able to go to lunch.

What did you eat for lunch?

I'll tell you.

I asked first.

I ate hummus with about five or six almonds.

Oh, I'm proud of you.

Yeah.

Although that's supposed to be a little brain food for you, and it hasn't worked.

It's nice and vegetarian, plenty of fiber.

You know any of these things.

Yes, I do.

No, you don't.

And I'm not a firm believer in vegetarianism.

How much vitamin C is in an almond?

You see, you're stupid.

It's not the C content that matters at all.

How long ago did you become a doctor?

Like in the 30s?

You sound old.

I am damn old.

I got them in the 39, actually.

You're practicing old medicine.

No, not hardly.

Do you have leeches?

Is that what you're going to use on me, leeches?

Actually, leeches I use in Russia today.

Yeah, but you're going to use it on me to cure cancer or something because you're stupid.

Well, you know a little bit about treating cancer, do you?

No, I don't.

Okay, I do.

Oh, yeah?

Are you a survivor?

No.

Oh, and you're a pussy.

Yeah.

You're a pussy shit, old man.

Well, more than likely.

Doctor, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

More than likely.

Uh-huh.

Chances are I could probably whip your ass, guys.

Oh, yeah.

You want to do it?

You want to go down?

Do you want to meet me at the thrift store?

It smells like piss inside.

Have you ever been to the thrift store to buy your suits and ties?

Yeah, I did.

All the time.

Let's go there.

We'll try on clothes in front of each other that smell like piss.

We're like, ooh.

Not that damn gay.

No, it's not gay.

It's just curious, you know?

Yeah, maybe in curiosity.

i'll try us how about you want to smoke a cigar we'll smoke a cigar together inside the

thrift store they let you smoke and piss and everything in there if you want what's wrong

with you what what is what is the deal that you you're the doctor that's why i'm calling you i'm

not a psychiatrist you need to call a psychiatrist oh do you know a good do you know a good cold like

a a good like a hydro colon therapy doctor oh they're not doctors they're not and it's not

It's not worth it?

You don't believe in hydrocholine therapy?

I agree.

It's good for some people.

Yeah.

You probably need it.

It'll clear your mind.

In my mouth, right?

I'll put it in my mouth.

No, it'll clear your mind.

Oh, my mind?

How do you plug into your mind?

You put it in your ass and it goes all the way up into your brain, you think?

Yeah.

All right, cool.

All right, doctor.

All right, big guy.

All right, handsome.

Have a good one.

It's good talking to you, honey, baby.

Oh, wow.

I'm going to keep his number.

he's gonna be like our medical correspondent on madhouse my guy was really cool he's the

fucking coolest doctor ever that's i'm looking at a picture of him yeah he looks like he looks

like fucking rush limbaugh that's what he looks like he looks like a like a like rush limbaugh

without the cigar let's see he uh he's a chiro he's got a he attended the texas chiropractic

college in texas and he's a chiropractor that's what he is yeah he's got postgraduate 20

it's all chiropractic chiropractor shit so whatever he's talking about snake oil and shit

talk about mr snake oil guy the chiropractic doctor yeah snake oil chiropractors are full of

shit oh look your spine is curved that's why you're in pain no it's not you stupid that shit

just happens where did all the incidents of back pain just start appearing starting in the 1930s

and 40s it happened for a reason because all throughout history before people were sedentary

before people work in the fields and shit fucking farming and hunting and whatever the fuck building

and fixing shit all the time you know and you never had complaints about back pain this and

back pain that and slip disc and all this shit and now everyone wants to treat their back like

it's a carton of eggs doesn't make any sense something else is up man i'm just saying read

Calls (19, 50 min of 1 h 16 min)

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