Fusion Pranks

trying to smile i'm trying to be happy i'm trying to be ecstatic up in here happy meal smells so so

delicious and don't forget you will need something to wash that down with later on oh i don't know

how i'm gonna do this lord help me lord help me all right let's get into it because i'm i'm really

hungry i'm not playing no fucking games i i fuck you send up a bitch stop making a stupid

Mr. Cody, you're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

You're not perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Hey, everybody. Good evening. Good evening.

Whoa. For me, it's evening because I'm a night owl.

What's up, folks? This is Carlito, the host of Madhouse Radio

and the proprietor of the station machine.

and i will be doing prank calls here for for a little bit i'll be doing them prank calls for a

little bit yeah i hope you're all having a great day so far a beautiful tuesday morning september

10th the day before patriots day yeah celebrating one year of the attack on the embassy in benghazi

yeah happy benghazi day wow that's fucked up what i just said eh anyway well hope you're all

While I are filtering into the chat room and to the various methods of tuning into the Madhouse Radio Show, I have planned.

I've been planning.

Well, first of all, I've got our normal target city here.

You know, I pick a city on the East Coast that I concentrate on for every show.

That's what I've been doing the last few weeks.

And I've got a new city here in the state of, where is this?

This is in Georgia.

We're hitting Georgia up again.

We had such a great time with Savannah, Georgia.

that i decided we'd hit up another medium-sized town and that's in that uh state we've got various

churches and restaurants there's even a a college campus here we can call have some fun with that

yeah all right um anyway i for some reason right now i'm having trouble with my audio player that

i use for playing like sound effects and stuff which sucks because i actually also planned out

well i was on i get lost on youtube sometimes okay same thing happens with wikipedia i'll be

on wikipedia and they go from one thing to the other to the other next thing you know it's like

a rabbit hole you're like whoa i'm alice in the rabbit hole and i'm smoking you know heroin with

that caterpillar dude on the mushroom remember that part of that movie that was crazy uh or the

the book anyway i think i've got my audio problem fixed there um on youtube and somehow i stumbled

on this guy who does reviews of fast food uh very funny uh african-american gentleman he does

these crazy uh i think his name is damn d-a-y-u-m drops if you go to youtube and search for damn

drops he he's got the lowdown he reviews all everything on the fast food menu he knows when

burger king gets in you i guess i have a french fry burger now it's only 99 cents it's basically

a a little the little normal hamburger that they got and they put like three or four french fries

on it he gave it like a zero out of ten he said it sucked anyway um i saw a related video to that

guy and it was uh an overweight man who was eating a mcdonald's big breakfast platter and complaining

about it the whole way through um and i started listening to it and i said man it'd be funny to

chop this audio up and play it back to like a mcdonald's and just say like yeah my buddy he

just you know went there and tried to get some uh he got some breakfast and he says it's horrible

he's really pissed off and so i did that i shot i spent i spent quite a bit of time chopping all

this audio uh here's here's an example let me tell you right now the biscuits the best part

part of this breakfast the biscuit is actually very buttery yeah he goes he's got this whole

breakdown of eating it it's disgusting so overall how do i rate this breakfast oh boy bland eggs

although they do not have the nasty aftertaste that the burger king eggs had so that is a plus

revoltingly fatty sausage and hash browns although the same can be said about burger king

okay so that's uh that's more of it so anyway i cut up quite a bit of this audio and i want to

to go ahead and look for a mcdonald's here that i can give a call at some point during the show

i guess i should do it early you know as early as i can because right now it's fucking breakfast

is over it's 11 18 let me do it in texas then hang on let's let's look up a texas uh fucking

mcdonald's speaking of texas if anybody gives a shit big ken and i both we played each other

in fantasy football and we ended up tying 190 points each for all the shit that we talked about

for the last two weeks about playing each other we ended in a tie it's bullshit anyway okay so

here we go here is uh a mcdonald's they should still be serving breakfast here in the central

standard time zone so we should be able to get away with this pull that up big matt let's let

Let me call Matty, Laugh Track Matt Hillock, hitting me up, wanting to join us here today.

Let's see what he's drinking.

Hey, boy.

Hey.

Let me turn off the show.

All right.

How many drinks you had today so far, buddy?

Nothing, man.

Just kidding.

Stone's over.

Good, good.

What's that?

Go ahead.

My brain's been going weird.

I watched a really cool trippy movie thinking about fractals, and if shit's really real

i'm living in memories i'm really huffing huffing on the bathroom floor when i'm like 15

dude you want to see some cool shit look at youtube videos that explain the fourth dimension

and the fifth dimension yeah i watched one about the singularity that got me all weird

it's so awesome and that shit like fucking wow man that's fucking deep man yeah and i was like

i was just fucking talking to evie like where the fuck can i get some dmt earlier this is all a

message hey who's do you know who that um he's in a bunch of videos and tv shows like on um

the science tv channels on cable that japanese dude with the white yeah i know you're talking

about his name offhand he's cool as fuck yeah i forgot that guy i don't know that guy's name

that guy is so fucking awesome i love to like be able to chill out like have a beer with a man

yeah right brain yeah anyway um i don't know if you caught but i broke i took this youtube guy

who was given a poor review of mcdonald's breakfast platter while he was eating it i

chopped up his audio i'm gonna try to call it mcdonald's and play it just to be annoying uh

it took me a little while to chop this audio up yeah so let's see if my wasted time from two

nights ago was worth it or not rock on yeah michio kaku mpsa cobra knows who it is yeah

invalid phone number bitch i must have missed a digit there yeah i did i'm a digit oh i hung up

on matt fuck you there how does this skype machine work i just hung up on you i know stupid anyway

there we go this should do it it is your first show so okay i'm new here

mcdonald's yes i don't know what happened but my my friend eddie went there he got a breakfast

the big breakfast platter okay and he's really upset did you have a problem anybody else

complaining uh what was supposed to be the problem sir look can i put him on real quick

hang on eddie mcdonald's the sausage and hash brown are absolutely disgusting soaked i mean

flavor absolutely but they oh my i can't even feel it burning my throat there's so much

grease in it i actually feel it going down my throat right now i'm swallowing it oh that is

so bad the audio player keeps freezing could you hear that at all man yeah i heard it like heard

it perfectly yeah yeah why does she hang up man because you're talking about grease going down

i can actually feel the grease no shit you ate a fucking breakfast platter and dubs remember

Remember when they used to come in the styrofoam plate?

Oh, God, yeah.

They come in the styrofoam still.

Oh, do they?

Yeah, they still come in the styrofoam, yeah.

Like platters, such a weird fucking breakfast.

It's like jail food.

A little pile of eggs and shit.

You just slip it in between that little bar.

There you go.

Slip you that and some sugar water.

And now sit with a table of old men and drink coffee all day.

there you go yeah playing uh dominoes and shit yeah dominoes is man i haven't played a game

you ever play bones man no i never played it ah it can get fun man dominoes you gotta check it

out sometimes if we ever hang out we'll play dominoes okay yeah we'll bet some money i'll

probably probably try like one time be like all right drink beer cool man go ahead yeah

Yeah, that's awesome.

Yeah, Carlito, keep playing your fucking game.

It's fun to have fun, man.

It's awesome, man.

Yeah, I play some old fight games with you or something.

Yeah, okay.

Here, let me see if I can call that McDonald's back.

That's real weird.

Okay, yeah.

What a bitch.

She just asked for a manager.

Managers won't hang up on you.

Ask for a man.

Yeah, a man.

Hello, Matthew.

Yeah, was I just talking to you about my friend's complaint?

I'm sorry?

Was I just talking to you about my friend made a complaint?

I never heard the complaint.

What was the complaint?

All right, I'm going to put him on the phone.

Okay, you can't tell me what the problem is?

I don't know.

He ate it.

Not you.

He's right here.

Hang on.

Someone had blended the yolk and the white together.

This really does taste like a real scrambled egg, even though it looks disgusting.

I'd say that's actually better than Burger King scrambled egg.

It doesn't have a disgusting aftertaste.

she was like don't even mention burger king to me motherfucker

it's great that i did a review i subscribed to one youtube channel this weird guy that

reviews like fast food and he's all super awkward with like wrapping paper behind him

he's like welcome welcome wow i got the new dorito taco oh shit

did wow uh the black guy that i saw first he's he's really into it he was cool somehow i found

this guy and he was like real obese and he's just sitting there he's like oh i'd never eat this i'd

never eat this so like yeah right buddy you're eating something man fatty fatty eats too much

damn it the that that wind amp keeps crashing on me fuck man i can't yeah i i can't uh pause

or anything damn that's weird yeah oh well normally microsoft makes such good products

yeah anyway let me try to open it again and i'm gonna call different mcdonald's if i can get the

shit to work that's pretty funny escape you bed bug somebody said that's great oh god what's he

say the the he's like yeah mcdonald's what the burger king version is better yeah it's like

It's like they mixed the egg yolk in there.

It looks disgusting, but it actually tastes great.

It tastes great, but it looks like they blended the egg yolk and the white together.

Like, oh, no, not that.

You mean it's like an egg paste?

That's a scrambled egg, dumbass.

It's like they took the egg and they scrambled it together until it was like one color.

They processed it.

I've never heard of a scrambled egg.

Stupid.

Oh, man.

in i got a whole bunch of those um nunu sending in a number for what oh the this woman who

initiated a road rage incident like months ago in england and nuni wants me to call her again

okay uh okay some kind of clothing store i guess yeah the way i got it set up now i don't think

you hear any music or anything right if i play music you're not hearing it anymore are you playing

music right now uh not at the moment but when i was before you probably couldn't hear it no yeah

Yeah, I'm trying to figure a new kind of load-balanced kind of approach

to doing the show from my little studio here.

You said load.

Your face is a balance.

Hey, Donald.

Hey, how are you, buddy?

Hello.

Hello, me happy.

Yeah, listen, my roommate went there, and he went to get breakfast for us, okay?

And it's really, like, cold, and it's bad.

He's got a bunch of complaints about it.

Can I put him on, please?

Hang on, here he is.

Hey, Mike.

The immediate difference I can tell you in the eggs is that these McDonald's eggs taste very bland.

And it might be a good thing because if you remember, the Burger King eggs had a nasty aftertaste.

They tasted like they had salt and sugar in them, but they had this really bad aftertaste.

These don't have any aftertaste.

They just taste like a normal, bland, scrambled egg.

You see what I mean?

Okay, sir.

What time did you order?

What was your order?

It was about an hour ago.

It was two big breakfasts.

this is white pancakes and no pancakes with pancakes do you have your vp number hang on let

me see if mike's got it mike tell him does it start with a number or a letter yes sir

the hash brown was inadvertently laying against the napkins in my bag and when i pulled the

napkins out of my bag they were soaked i mean really just disgustingly soaked in grease so

now let's try the mcdonald's pancakes and compare these with the burger king because

Because if you remember, the Burger King were really sweet.

They almost tasted like a sweet, sweet muffin.

I'm curious to see what the flavor of the McDonald's pancake is compared to the Burger King.

Whoops.

Here we go.

You see, like, this stuff isn't as good as the Burger King stuff.

Let's see what that's like.

Oh, boy.

All right, may I have your receipt, please?

All right, hang on.

Hmm.

Probably has 100 chemicals in it to preserve it so that they could sell it as a breakfast.

The only thing I have not tried at this point is the biscuit.

You finally hung up?

he doesn't really react

this guy has like

he's got some silly shit that he talks about

that's why I'm trying to do it

if I could get somebody on this

I would start laughing

if I could just get somebody

to react to this like I want them to

it's gonna be so fucking funny

you don't want a foreign owner

they're all like way too proper

like I worked very hard to get here

from overseas

what is it a seat number?

I'm just gonna play

I'm gonna play the soundboard this time

That's it

So overall how do I rate this breakfast

Oh boy

Although they do not have the nasty aftertaste

That the Burger King eggs had

So that is a plus

Revoltingly fatty sausage and hash browns

Although the same can be said about Burger King

Hello

That guy he takes it so

He's so into it man

man. He's just like...

Oh, man.

The audio keeps fucking crashing.

The media player, it sucks.

I'm so pissed off, man.

I can't...

It stutters every now and again.

Right now, it's hosed right now.

It's frozen. I'd have to reboot

the laptop, and that's a pain

in the ass to do in the middle of the show right now.

I'll just probably

have to forget about it. But anyway, we had a little

bit of fun with that. It was fun.

I'll try another day.

maybe in a different town

that would be so

does he review a bunch of food

so far the only one I found was the big breakfast one

but I can keep doing it I'm sure there's tons of people

reviewing you know I could probably get

reviews on anything annoying reviews

by douchebags about anything

just call Walmart

or grocery stores with it you know

just play it

so if anyone

finds any interesting

ones on YouTube

youtube uh send me a link at some point you know when you get a chance shoot me an email or a

facebook message now you said shoot and load yeah and i'll load it here yeah so what's your day like

what do you got going on what'd you have you have some oatmeal i did have some oatmeal out of the

cactus bowl nice that i've made in rehab myself nice was it out of clay did you have a kiln

it was uh it was i just painted it really oh okay then they did bake it in a kiln

is it glazed does it got glazed nice sweet it's fucking awesome it's orange and it's black on

the inside with like the black dripping out it's fucking great all right now i got it to work i'm

gonna try one last one here i hope this isn't boring people this one's a net let me do a

in nashville probably not as high of a chance of an ethnic answering here yeah there might be though

just a guess yeah yeah you know they're everywhere they really are everywhere these days and that's

good that's it's a good thing we're not complaining about that that's what the statue of liberty said

that's what my lawyer said yeah they told me to say that since the last incident say it and be

be sincere about it fucker yeah uh oh man we're less than an hour and a half away from the big

apple announcement i'd like to call apple stores during that and uh fuck with them in the middle of

their apple announcement i thought i could call in and say yeah they're yeah tim cook just said

right now 50 iphone i want to get one he said starting right immediately jeez fucking answer

let me ask you a question did brad during the 90s let's say like in 96 or 97 do you know if

there's audio of brad changing the answering machine on mcdonald's uh it's changing the

message on a mcdonald's answering machine uh back when i don't know if you remember like

mcdonald's would release a beanie baby every year yeah and like the first one they did i guess

people kept calling like do you have the beanie baby and someone changed the answer

for me sean this one was like you've reached mcdonald's if you're calling about the beanie

babies you can go fuck yourself and i hadn't thought of that since i'd heard the the i heard

the news story on the radio back like when i was in high school still and then i just started

thinking about it the other day it came into my head i said you know what that's something brad

would do i wonder if he did that back then or maybe he knows he did that it was yeah it was

freaking hilarious they played it on the radio but they bleeped out the that you can go fuck

Fuck yourself.

What I heard was like, oh my God.

It was awesome.

God bless it.

What's wrong with this town?

Yeah, right?

This fucking Nashville fucks.

Don't fucking answer the fucking phone fuck.

But it's keeping me from playing music, which is good.

So we don't get flagged by YouTube.

That's a good thing.

I hate flags.

God.

Fuck your flag.

Fucking Puerto Ricans with their flags.

All proud.

Do they do that in Chicago?

Probably.

I don't know.

I don't go to it.

pancakes which are extremely bland but a biscuit that's actually buttery and tasty um yeah if i

get a mcdonald's answer yeah it'd be great and when they do answer it's so noisy i've called

four in a row that don't answer different parts oh man uh okay so i don't know kansas city this

is going right out kansas city which is in missouri which makes no sense this is like near

year kansas i went to kansas city kansas one time i picked up i had to pick up a work van there

i flew there on the anniversary of 9-11 the one-year anniversary yeah oh great that's that's

not uh nerve-wracking at all it was uh fucking it was great the airport was empty the plane was

empty and flew across country to pick up a white unmarked van that's that's

suspicions at all yeah and they pay for i did talk to a lady and rent me a hotel room with cash

i'm like all i got's cash i didn't have credit card shit borrowed some money so i'm paying my

way home on cash wow great and you're waving the insurance and everything yeah i wave all coverage

just give me a room mcdonald's pancakes which are extremely bland but a biscuit that's actually

buttery and tasty um nobody cares for this anymore i think it's funny

and he still fucking left my hands up when he does that cough.

It's like, oh, extremely bland.

We should call him.

Yeah, if he could find his number.

I'm sure somebody could track down his number.

Yeah, I'll try to find the video and post it so people can work on that.

I got a bookmark from two days ago.

You understand I had to listen to that guy's voice over and over again as I did that.

And it was, like, 4 in the morning, and my wife was like,

will you fucking turn that off?

Stop.

Just sit there playing that fucking shit.

I was laughing.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

I kept giggling and thinking about calling McDonald's, but.

It's not as funny in practice as it was at 4 in the morning.

Yeah.

I knew that's how it was going to go down.

I knew it.

Okay.

Moving right along.

Jose's giving a shout-out to Matt.

There you go.

Your boy, Jose, saying what's up, Matt?

Hey.

Hey, Hosey.

Josie.

Cholo.

He likes to try to do the ends camera work when you talk to him on Skype.

Yeah.

Always laying down with the camera staring at him.

Yes.

Look at that fucking gerbil of his.

Like, what the fuck?

I didn't know he had a gerbil.

Yeah.

He's got a gerbil or something.

Doesn't he have that in his avatar?

It's like a gerbil or some shit.

I don't know.

He puts it up his ass.

Yeah, of course.

Why else would you have a gerbil?

Fun?

What's the fun in having a gerbil?

they're worse than a cat okay uh here's someone who's selling what we got beautiful done buckskin

overall mare oh horse oh good a horse for sale has great ground manners i don't know what that is

the hell the hell's a ground manners road english and western has been jumped up to three foot

this is a weird shit they talk about loves to tail ride even alone i like to tail ride even

been alone too big motor so best suited to confident rider big motor god excellent potential

for cross-country jumper trials barrels or poles hey they're really into the verbiage

and there's no phone number oh well i got here i can get my mouse to behave come on mouse

if you get jealous about you talking about the gerbil

the show the phones ring a bunch yeah all right i love that sound man

take that funky sound stop ringing her damn i don't know no voicemail no nothing

fuck it's just going ringing and ringing and ringing fucking riding a horse tail right all

day how do you say that a horse that's got to be a horse machine yeah what a good they should

should have picked up oh well i'm looking for my hotels that i had here where the fuck did they go

i was centered in perfectly on the city shit oh there's a cemetery oh shit i lost myself i had a

nice little section of town in front of me on the google maps all right well here is the uh east

federal east friendship baptist church i like talking to churches it's always a really stuck

up woman who never doesn't want to say god bless you back to me praises jay every day every day

who the fuck works at a church fucking scammers oh you don't work at a church

you just you just gossip all day do a little bit of paperwork for tax tax evasion paperwork

right yeah it's another one of those shows i'm still laughing i got nothing else to do

i'm a crippled shut in oh man see it hit you like me like you know i was just fine i never

ever been to the hospital before and i had one problem and it became an escalating fucking thing

man i hear yeah i broke my leg and never i haven't watched since march yeah i spent a whole year

before i drove again and all that shit man sucked and i had my issues yeah back in 2011

nerve shit my legs are all twitchy if i put them in the right

position they just start like spasm it wow do they have you on the wrong 10 or something like

that uh i'm gonna start doing shots sometimes but they they gave me some kind of like antispasmodic

i take like three times a day so i guess it'd be real bad without that yeah man stick to that

they didn't give me the shrink didn't give me as much ativan as i wanted you wanted more ativan

i went through 90 in less than two weeks with like two milligram ones holy shit dude yeah

Yeah.

Wow.

All right.

Sorry, I'm distracted here on the side as I try to fix something once again.

I'm just having trouble with this fucking machine, man.

The horse machine's got a big motor.

I think it's got a big cock.

Yeah, I think that's like for motor.

I get that.

They got to answer, right?

All right, let me try again.

I got to talk about the horse with the big motor.

I'm sorry, man.

I'll even make some

McDonald's guy there

at the end of it for some weird

I'll have him give a review

he can feel the grease

shit down his throat

it's disgusting

the biscuit's actually

good

fucking guy

he just starts out first of all

he's got what it's like first of all

the best thing about this

breakfast is the biscuit

i've got bullet points oh boy bland eggs although they do not have the nasty aftertaste that the

burger king of eggs had you can just play this it's uh pretty nasty it's pretty bland and

flavorless and uh for what it is the only thing that's really tasty is the biscuit so unfortunately

it gets a two that's sad i thought i really did think that the burger mcdonald's was gonna be

better than burger king but it's not it's actually worse oh man what will we do yeah

I really had hopes for this thing it's only been out since I was like five years old I don't know

why he just decided to the fuck has he been all this time where was he fucking I was in the

this is a fucking hawaii where they don't have the big breakfast

i don't know i was just guessing something he was

he just happened to be whoa mcdonald's has this big breakfast thing yeah groundbreaking

your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system this is horrible the best

what you got first of all the eggs you got to put salt and pepper on

i'm not i'm not quoting the guy i'm saying that's for real because it's it's completely

it does taste like shit the eggs do the sausage isn't that bad he's just like completely like

repulsed it's hard to repulse a fat guy he's like oh god oh

can you tell you right now the biscuit's the best part of this breakfast the biscuit is actually

actually very buttery yeah i just want to get one more to fucking react

let me try cleveland let's have a cleveland ohio has for us mcdonald's we're at cleveland today

yeah i understand that was quite the happening town back in the day not anymore i've been to it

is pretty depressing i've been to it a bunch of times on a mega bus for like a couple bucks

wow i don't know they make i don't know they make it look good on the drew carey show it's

like a happening place yeah have you seen that hastily made uh tourism video that's like take

off that shit's so funny cleveland rocks you might even see this guy there's a guy on a bike

and it's like this guy has three duis yeah this is true ever since i saw that whenever i see like

white dudes with long hair

riding a bike downtown

on the way to work. I'm like, yeah, that guy has

3D UIs.

Anytime you see a

fucking white guy,

there's an alkyd hall.

The guy usually has

a hat on, baseball hat,

long hair in the back.

He's probably bald on the top of the head.

Probably smokes Marlboros.

No, GPCs

or something.

GPCs.

Yeah.

Yeah, how are you, honey?

Hello?

Yes.

Yeah, listen, my friend was going to tell you something, but his brain froze.

He doesn't seem to be able to talk.

He had a big complaint about the big breakfast.

We had the big breakfast there this morning, and the sausage is completely greasy.

I can't even, I'm not even going to try cutting through this with a knife, you know?

Who did your friend try to talk to?

Because I just got here.

I don't know.

what do you mean who did it the the black girl there you know the black girl you talked to the

black manager yeah okay hold on a second he said he was busy making a mcflurry with bananas we

don't even have bananas that's what i told him like you guys don't have any bananas at all he

said he makes his own banana special he said he makes his own banana mcflurry special there when

no one's looking he said it's really early in the morning store no i don't this is on

right um yeah but there's two no this is the one i know the one i'm talking don't get uppity with

me please okay okay hold on a minute okay let me speak to the black man great where did she go to

get him banana mcflurry state sounds like it'd be good man manager i was supposed to talk to a black

man i'm sorry i was supposed to talk to a black manager okay well you're not it was a man this is

very buttery it's a delicious biscuit in fact i kind of want to go back and just eat that biscuit

and that's it.

And I know, too.

Yeah, the biscuit's really buttery.

It tastes really good.

So that is horrible for you.

Oh, all I can taste is, like, grease.

Oh, it's disgusting.

Let's actually take a bite of the hash brown as well.

Yeah, we're both eating this breakfast food that we got there,

and it's disgusting.

We can feel the grease go in the back of our throats,

going, like, to the back of our throats.

Yeah, I know.

It's ridiculous how, you know, cold this got so fast.

I don't understand.

Stan, what are you going to do to take care of me, honey?

You know, once someone had blended the yolk and the white together,

this really does taste like a real scrambled egg, even though it looks disgusting.

I'd say that's actually better than Burger King scrambled egg.

It doesn't have a disgusting aftertaste.

You know what he means?

You know what he's talking about?

What's with your phone?

What's the problem?

Do you have that noise where the little, you know, the...

I'm hearing people talk, and it's echoing back in my ear.

Can you stop moving the stupid wire on the phone?

because it's making a lot of noise.

I'm not moving at all.

I'm sitting actually.

Then who else?

Who else is listening on the line?

I command you to identify yourself.

Manager, if you'd like to come back up here,

I would be more than happy to take care of you.

Bring up the receipt.

Now make sure that you're taken care of, okay?

You know who the black man manager is?

I don't have a black manager here.

A black man manager.

I think you have...

What restaurant are you trying to call?

What location?

McDonald's Machine.

I'm sorry?

McDonald's Machine.

We're an actual restaurant.

Yeah, that's exactly.

This is the McDonald's restaurant machine.

Okay, go ahead and bring your receipt and your food, and we'll take care of you.

Okay, thank you.

Am I going to get, like, food back?

Go ahead and come up, and we'll take care of you.

I was inadvertently laying against the napkins in my bag,

and when I pulled the napkins out of my bag, they were soaked.

I mean, really just disgustingly soaked in grease.

I think that's an exaggeration, Matt, what he's saying in that part.

They were just soaked in grease, really.

i couldn't believe how good that was just why would she stay on the line

my real phone's ringing hang on a sec all right your obama phone all right guys let's keep looking

here in the town of cleveland let's see who we can call around over here zooming in close to

where that mcdonald's is that we just called uh here's a baking company called schwiebel baking

baking sounds nice and uh jewish or something i got a website and everything i think it's a

bakery that does i think it's a commercial bakery it looks like i don't think they have a storefront

it doesn't look to me like they have a storefront hello yes yes it was somebody trying to give me a

job oh i'm like i'm in i'm in a fucking wheelchair man thanks but i can't do shit thanks but no

yeah i'm waiting on disability making way much more money on disability doing less no

No, I won't.

I wish I will.

Yeah, I definitely do.

A whole fucking lot of lips.

Yeah.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

And I was laughing and sweating when I picked up.

I'm like, yeah, I love this man.

That's awesome.

All right.

So you guys got a lot of gluten there?

A lot of food?

A lot of gluten.

A lot of what?

A lot of gluten.

I don't know.

What do you do?

Aren't you like a bread maker yourself?

What do you do?

You just answer the phone?

We eat some bread.

we don't make it oh who makes the bread where's that at um stolen youngstown and kuyahoga falls

yeah so you just sit there you like sell the bread and yep this is just one of the thrift

stores oh wow yeah so how does that work what do you do we sell the bread you sell it directly

so i could buy cheaper from you yeah yeah that's really smart yeah do you have everything else

out there do you have cold cuts no no do you have peanut butter yeah oh wow is this weevil's peanut

butter no i don't know what the brand is you're a stupid bitch what you're a stupid bitch you're a

stupid bitch that escalated quickly yeah she was so nice to talk to you for so long

what do you do sell the bread

oh shit man i don't even know why i did that it was boring it wasn't going anywhere it was

gonna be the boring ass call so i was like all right let me just insult her

I thought it was funny

Just knowing that you're full of shit

Excuse me

We do have peanut butter

Oddly enough

If you want to make some sandwiches in the parking lot

She got so buttered

Over the bitch

Fucking hell

Ask her if she has butter

See if she has hamburger

Can I help you?

Do you have hot dog buns?

Yes we do

All right, now you don't have the hot dogs, right?

No.

Can I show you how the hot dog goes in the bun with my penis?

Who the hell is this?

With my penis.

My penis, I'll show it to you.

I'll put my, in the bun.

You take a picture.

Show us, okay?

Do you have long nails, like French manicured nails?

No.

What do you have?

No nails at all, because you ain't got no balls either.

Goodbye.

That makes no fucking sense.

That was fucking awesome.

I'm so pissed.

I have no nails because I have no balls.

Yeah.

the testosterone makes nails grow

I guess

she's like a

freaking nurse or something

she used to be a fucking endocrinologist

before she started selling

bread at the thrift store

whatever

that was her old career

she was a phlebotomist

who the hell is this oh man they're gonna be talking about this shit all day

and they're fucking the nerve of that guy going we called again we gotta do something about this

all right here's an indoor mountain bike park all right oh that should be

You want to do this?

You want to do an indoor mountain bike park?

Maybe, sure.

I'll probably start laughing and ruin it.

Rays, they just...

Well, it says they open at noon.

They need to open now.

Yeah, they need to.

They're open until 10.

Rays Indoor Mountain Bike Park.

That sounds fucking stupid.

Oh, man.

Rays 10-foot-long Olympic swimming pool.

Great voice fail.

oh jesus fucking crazy thank you for calling ray's indoor bike park currently closed for the

season oh shit what season what season it's fucking indoor uh mountain biking season it's

too hot out you're fucking indoors you dumb fuck they were shutting down schools and shit

because it was so hot yesterday and they shut them down today it's like 97 here really yeah

yeah oh shit yeah that night took off my hat that's cool my uh buddy andy used to uh host a

show with me back when we lived together in florida he lives in chicago and he's he's in

pittsburgh this week so he he gets i didn't know that i'm gonna have to talk to him about that i

guess he gets to miss out on the heat yeah yeah he's an ac guy he's been unemployed for a long

time just like you man yeah yeah but he's he's in a union so he's like getting oh yeah they're

hooking him up. He gets hooked up. He's on

all the benefits he needs.

Yeah, electrician union is good shit.

Yeah, he gets paid not to have to work

and shit. Yeah, it's fucking awesome.

Go to the hall every now and again

or some shit. Yeah, it's better off

not to work. Yeah, I went to the union

hall and got drunk.

Awesome. Who is this?

Is this him?

What? Hello?

What did he

just say? That was first Spanish

banished baptist church but they didn't answer

that's all he said he picked up the phone and he said

and then he fucking made copies of the tape on himself to create the quality

yeah and then he said to beep himself

that's how he talks to women that's how you know if you're hispanic man that's

sexy dog

he gets the pussy all wet

that's from phil henry

i can't take credit for coming up with that

that's a phil henry

radio show reference

he's got a spanish character

he's like in the women

you just go la la la

trying to give me jobs i'm still laughing i'm like didn't you take the name you're gonna

keep telling them machines

hey boy i'm calling about that job machine yeah you guys called matt about a job machine

i'm in a fucking wheelchair i can't work in the job yeah matt can't go down there to work because

your job machine doesn't have enough room for him because he's in a wheelchair machine

oh you got the wrong number this is georgia's pizzeria yeah listen i was talking to that

italian idiot over there you know what i'm talking about italian idiot yeah here yeah

there's no italian idiots over here yeah like you yeah fuck you motherfucker he's doing staring at

Listen, motherfucker, I got your number.

Hey, you don't got shit, tough guy.

I got your number.

La, la, la, la, la, la.

La, la, la, la, la.

La, la, la, la.

He's in an egg, really.

La, la, la, la.

Oh, man.

All right, here's Little Caesar's Pizza.

Right down the road.

He's got a Little Caesar's Pizza catty-cornered from him.

It's probably way better.

Yeah, probably, because it's hot and ready, man.

Man, you just go in there, do $5 pizza.

Right.

You don't even have to wait, man.

And you want crazy bread, $1.

Thank you for calling Little Caesars.

I was going to have a little cake.

Listen, I was right across the street.

You know that Giorgio's place?

Yeah.

Yeah, I went over there, and he started talking to my wife, and he started saying, la, la, la, la.

And I said, what are you talking about?

And he said that he says that to the women.

Okay.

That he goes like that to women, la, la, la, la, la, like that.

And it makes them all excited.

Okay.

when i come in there now you're a woman i don't want you coming on to me and saying things all

right right i don't want you coming on to me like getting attracted to me because i wear um i wear

like really good cologne okay i wear calvin klein cologne you know right i got nice jeans i wear

eyes odd i have eyes odd big and tall clothes uh-huh yep i got a pair of arizona jeans

okay yeah you like that what's the point when i come and should i wear my aviator glasses or

just regular sunglasses oh no i don't care how you like your man looking aviators or how do you

like what do you like that's nothing to do with work so yeah yeah hey i want to make an order

sure all right i need 12 of your hot and ready pizzas okay all right do you have 12 of them

right now i can make them right now there'll be about five seven minutes yeah go ahead and make

them and i'll call you back about it all right what do you mean you'll call me back about it

well i'm gonna come in and i'll buy them but i'll you know go ahead and start them up fire

them up for me all right you want them all pepperoni yeah and your name this is cross

all right it'll be ready in about five seven minutes all right i'll call you

and i'm gonna let you know something about it at that point okay it's a secret i hope i think i

rather wait for you to come no no please i'm coming in no i can't yeah because the last two

days we've had two people order 10 pizzas and they didn't come in so oh was that brad huh did

brad do it um i don't have no idea who did it it was probably brad carter okay yeah you want his

information no thank you i can give you the where he's at and everything i know who he was that's

fine if you want to come in and order then you're more than welcome to i'll be here if it's if you

You look for Brad at NotLA.com.

That's him.

All righty.

Well, I have to go now, so you have a good day.

All right.

Bye, you little shit.

All right.

Cool.

Well, that was fucking great.

Why wouldn't she talk to you?

She was about to make 12 pizzas, dude.

It's Brad.

It probably was Brad.

That'd be awesome.

She's like, as a matter of fact, yeah, he said his name was Brad.

His husband, no, he said his name was Roy.

Roy, that's right, Roy.

What's his name, Roy?

Missed opportunity there.

Ah, shit.

All right.

Here's Awning's home metal supply.

Metal?

Metal supply.

Metal.

Rock and roll.

I want some metal.

Smoking bongs, we need metal.

I'd like to rock out.

I want to hear some Judas Priest or something.

Some metal.

No faggot shit.

Please stay in business.

They don't pick up the fucking phone.

Nobody fucking picks up my phone.

That's it.

Home metal.

Hey, the metal.

How you doing, buddy?

All right, how you doing?

I need some metal to my house, like some Judas Priest or something.

We're rocking out here.

We need some metal.

Yeah?

Yeah, we're having a good fucking party over here.

Yeah, what can I do for you?

We need the metal, the heavy metal.

Yeah?

They paid for these already.

ready i'm giving them the all right do you deliver it what's that will you deliver it who was that in

the background that was the girl that works here what can i help you with your big tits oh sorry

it's fine sorry about that that was just i don't got a plan for shit

he's like yeah okay yeah yeah yeah when you work in a metal place you're very laid back

I was going to ask if he had metal like Garth Brooks.

That's going to be stupid of you, Garth Brooks.

Here's Sky Mobile.

That's probably a place where you can get a nice cheap cell phone.

Obama phone.

Prepaid, no credit check.

A burner.

A burner phone.

I'm going to ask you, yo, you got the burner phone?

My first sign I need to get a burner phone.

It's the best.

pick up the place is called sky mobile the google image street view is an ice cream store you got

somebody swinging a post saying this way to sky parking in back oh man yeah that is the kind you

know that that place you know the gold what's with the gold places haven't they wiped everybody

out who's gonna fall for that scam why how are those places still open they're running sucking

sucking up for the electricity, making more coal get burnt.

God, they're in a mall kiosk, and those mall kiosks are expensive as fuck.

You know, I see them in every mall.

It's got the fucking, you know, we buy gold.

I don't think, I can't think of the last time I've been in a mall.

You know, same, and I live, like, right, really, like, next door to one almost.

I could walk to the mall from here.

Hey, go to the mall, have a corndog or something in the court.

Well, they got a good wing place in the one I go to.

and uh uh when did you last go there uh like two yeah well like two months ago i met my friend

there we uh had wings and beer and i was like all right let's go to the mall let's and you know i

got like i got like a quarter of the way and i was like brent man i actually got a board i don't

want to walk through the mall i'm over it he's like he's like yeah yeah the mall ain't what it

used to be like all right man see you later it's just i was like uh you know i think i looked at

i looked at some shoes and foot locker and i was like uh it's fuck this yeah i've been doing

i used to go to the mall of america when i worked in minnesota i'd go there and get hammered and

ride the roller coaster and shit wow with the teenage girl i was dating is it true you can't

see that whole mall in one day is that legitimate i don't know it's really big i was there all the

time the hotel was like right around there wow is it two stories or is it bigger oh it's like

fucking a bunch of stories man it's crazy big wow yeah like in puerto rico there's this one

mall it's three stories and the sears is like four stories tall we got a four-story tall macy's

it's fucking insane um here's the spanish restaurant now the we all are really into

i was thinking about this this morning before i started the show we're really into doing these

bonchute calls we call indians and say the curse words yeah i know since i know spanish i'm gonna

try the same thing but in spanish i'm gonna order something legit and then ask for a whore and slut

and bitch and spam nice now i wonder what their reaction will be probably more angry oh well there

you go it's out of business throw in the scarf at the end of that chapter here's remember when

homer simpson did that when he had the scarf and you say that's the end of that chapter

and he just throw it because there was a guy on the tv show that had the same name as him and he

used to wear a scarf and when they close the case he'd be like that's the end of that chapter

and so he did it so i used to always say like the end of a job or something ah it's time to

throw the scarf away well he would know he would like wrap himself in it like that's that chapter

all right i'll tell you what i'll call the one in my town there's there's one his

spanish food place in the town so i'm gonna which means it's a really good place to live

Yeah, right.

Really good.

Do you ever go there, drink some Niero Modelo?

Oh, yeah.

I do go there.

No, it's not Mexican food.

It's Puerto Rican food, you know?

Oh.

Mexican you get anywhere.

You can go to a fucking Taco Bell.

Oh, yeah.

You can get the Dorito taco.

I hear.

I can feel the grease going down my throat.

Telephone number 717.

Wow.

What a shit.

I know they're open.

They get really busy.

That's probably what's going on.

well no that was like it's failing now completely the switch is sparking the five years of switch

switch somebody threw fucking metal shavings and i've called hello hello can i make an order please

uh one woman okay honey hello hey how you doing you little monkey i wanted to make an order

Uh-huh, what do you want?

Okay, one order of roast con gandules.

Okay.

One tostones.

Okay.

One puta.

One what?

P-U-T-A, puta, rice.

No, which one do I want?

One maracon.

Okay, you want one?

The Spanish rice, one yellow rice with the gandules.

You want tostones?

Yeah, one.

And the last one, what is that?

Maracon.

No, I don't know what is that.

It's my friend.

he's Puerto Rican he's from it's M-A-R-I-C-O-N he said to order Maricon it's like some kind of

dessert Maricon oh okay we don't have right now that's what I know we don't have dessert right

now man yeah one cabron c-a-b-r-o-n cabron okay one maierda m-i-e-r-d-a maierda okay how much is

yes hi i was trying to make an order and that monkey isn't answering

what is it that you want one maricon one what maricon we don't have that what are you talking

about m-a-r-i-c-o-n maricon i'm reading to you the order that the people gave me off the paper

Okay.

One arroz con gondolas.

Why don't you speak in English, Papi?

One arroz.

If you got the menu, the menu is in Spanish and English.

One white rice, red beans.

One white rice, red beans, okay.

What kind of menu do you want with that one?

Maricon.

Huh?

Maricon.

Papi, are you talking, say it in English because you're not saying it right in Spanish.

Maricon.

M-A-R-I-C-O-N.

Are you sure you got the right menu?

Yeah.

Las Delicias.

Las Delicias restaurant.

Okay.

Yeah.

And there's a picture of a stupid Puerto Rican on here, a monkey.

What, a stupid monkey?

No.

You don't talk to me that way.

You have a nice day.

It's a green menu.

A green menu?

What do you mean a green menu?

We don't got a green menu.

You have a good day.

Yeah, it's paper, you stupid asshole.

Wow.

That was fucking great.

Hey, puppy.

You don't know what you're saying.

I hate it when they say, hey, puppy.

Hey, puppy.

Fuck you.

I'm not your fucking poppy, man.

I don't know.

What is it?

Bag it.

Oh, fucking hell.

Yeah, I think that guy is the Maricon.

Yeah.

And you're a mierda shit.

Come in front of me.

Come in front of me, and I will show you.

okay all right done with them so yeah that was fucking great i'm trying to branch out the indian

prank call premise out to different cultures now yeah because we need we need fresh ideas man you

know we need some fresh ideas i've been telling you that for years yeah so there you go that's a

hybrid prank call man i think it was priceless man fusion break it's just a little sprinkling

I'm like Wolfgang Puck over here

I mix Indian and Puerto Rican

Fusion Pranks

That's the title of this episode

Fusion Pranks

Shit

We got someone looking to buy a shower wall

For my tub

A shower wall for their tub

What's a shower wall

I guess it's like a wall for your shower

I'm going to give them a shower curtain.

They say they can just have it.

It's used.

It's clean, but I used to jerk off.

You wrapped a body in it one time.

I wrapped my cat up in it.

Killed it.

And now they're not going to pick off him, but at least we had fun with the idea of it.

They actually left three numbers in this ad, so they're really desperate for a fucking wall.

They really want the shower wall.

God damn.

All right, here's the other one.

Hello?

Hey.

Hey, this is Maricon.

How are you?

I see you're looking for a shower wall.

Shower wall, yeah.

Yeah, this one is good.

You can have it.

It's got, like, these stains around, like, crotch level going around it.

You know, whenever I take a shower, you know, the first thing I do is I stand there and I pee on the side.

and i like i like for it to hit the shower wall and then come down you know yeah yeah i just kind

of you know you know because you can pee in a shower you don't even have to hold your peepee

you can just kind of let it go flop around and everything so after a while left like those orange

stains on here and i can't get them out i don't know if you guys you have a magic eraser what's

the matter with you boy hello hey you got a carrot in your asshole and your butt you do you put a

a carrot in your butt and you eat it no uh i was just curious if you ever do that oh this is eddie

hey yeah i like to pee in the shower is that why you need a shower wall to pee in it and it doesn't

go everywhere i don't know do you like to pee in the shower hey hey boy when you take a shower do

you ever pee in there no uh no you always hold it for the bathroom yeah for the toilet you never

like go in the shower you really no what about in the pool you ever go pee in the pool no oh yeah

Yeah, no one does that, right?

That's gross.

Yeah, okay.

That's good.

What are you wearing right now?

What do you have on?

Who the fuck are you, man?

Do you have nice underwear on?

You're going to do a brain beat in you, son of a bitch.

Yeah.

Come on.

Do you have nice underwears on?

Are you fucking gay or something?

No, I'm just curious.

I'm not...

I'm not full gay yet.

I'm just thinking about it, you know?

So I'm playing around with my sexuality.

I know it's my grandma.

I knew I'd get you killed.

What'd you say?

hey what hey what what the fuck you at what color is your underwear is it white

do you have checkered underwear tell me hello oh motherfucker

motherfucker what's the matter with you i'm not talking to you

aren't you man enough to talk to me you little shit no welcome to verizon wireless you're caught

I hate you.

That guy sounded really bad, man.

That was fucking great.

I'm sure they're like all oxycodone out or something with the loud TV on.

Like, what the heck?

Do you know what it is?

He's talking crazy.

Some gay shit.

Gay shit.

You know who this motherfucker is?

It's not like we're watching Jerry Springer.

Is Jerry Springer even on anymore?

Isn't it just the bodyguard?

Doesn't he have his phone?

I don't know.

I'm sure they made enough springers to always run forever.

I wouldn't have seen the Springer show.

The last time I looked like two years ago, I think,

I was flipping through the channels during the day,

and it was the bodyguard had the show now.

Yeah, yeah, he has the show.

Steve, whatever that guy.

Yeah, yeah, dummy.

There were skinheads on the episode I was on,

and I thought they were going to zoom in on me

because I had a clean-shaped head.

Oh, you're in Chicago.

Yeah, that's right.

right is that i was like i was like please don't zoom in on me because because the skinhead was

like there's somebody in the audience said nobody looks like you or some shit i was like they're

gonna zoom in on me and i'm gonna be labeled a fucking skinhead i'm like i almost got beat up

at work running up on my one black buddy by his friend panther he was like who's the skinhead

motherfucker and now i'm gonna be labeled it on the fucking springer show yeah it's gonna be you

you man it was great they had like trannies and strippers and skinheads on them when i was on

wow like it was like i have a secret to tell you or some shit and there it's so staged you see the

people telling them what to say and shit yeah i think i saw like it was like 98 it was like when

it was still they were still trying to pass it as you know yeah and they had like the klansmen on

there and he just he just goes i don't know where he just no when they bring him out you know it's

saw a bunch of people booing him he sits down he goes you know what jerry i heard they're changing

it to from chicago to chicago i was like yeah that was awesome that was like i wanted to i

wanted to like be upset about it i was like you know what you gotta give it to him that was pretty

funny yeah chicago it's like i should hate this guy but that's pretty goddamn but he's got a point

right there it's a funny son of a bitch oh man i i think in the early stages way earlier that

show was kind of legit still ironing yeah yeah i used to like the herald of show beat down when

the riot big riot happened i had that on vhs tape when i was a kid he got his nose broken

i would watch that shit again and again yeah he was on for like a whole month after that with the

a fucking bandit yeah like a badge of honor like yeah he's such a doof like remember when they're

in the invasion of iraq he was embedded and he just he just started drawing a map like uh on on

a live read yeah he's sort of drawing up like a map where they were in the desert yeah send a

missile here yeah they're like i remember they kicked him out everything they like took him out

because he was like scrawling in the sand is like so if you look at iraq we're not supposed to tell

you where we are but if you look at iraq right here we're over right about here and we're gonna

be headed this way going down this way you know and like the fucking chief of staff the chiefs of

staff just fucking freaked out about that i remember uh why did we let this motherfucker

on here yeah there was some dude when that when that invasion happened there was some awesome tv

i remember i woke up yeah i woke up at three in the morning to take a piss and the tv was on in

my bedroom and they were like live from like this firefight like outside of baghdad i was like oh

shit it's i kept watching it yeah it was hard not to watch it though like you know yeah it was

fucking awesome yeah the night vision shit with the tracer missiles or tracer bullets yeah well

this it was daytime it was nighttime in like florida where i was but it was daytime over

where there was like morning yeah but like yeah it was really cool like the reporter was going

from marine to marine who's like so where are you from i was like i'm from he was like i want to

give a shout out yeah that's like yeah it was awesome to all my people in chicago all my people

you're my chicago niggas

this should be like that

yeah i would think yeah i'd always say crazy shit if they put me on tv

all right here's uh a sectional sofa and chase lounge for free for 350 bucks

You going to talk them down?

Yeah.

Yeah, you got a chase lounge and a sectional sofa machine?

It was supposed to have been removed last night.

Oh, I'll take it down.

I'll give you $400 for it, motherfucker.

If they didn't come get it last night, then, you know, it's over, right?

It's my turn now, right?

What do you think?

Yeah, they haven't got it.

I'm done talking.

What a dickhead.

He was very matter-of-fact.

You called him a motherfucker.

He wouldn't have it then.

I was going to ask him about stains.

I'm talking.

I'll give you something.

Yeah, does it have piss stains and pee stains on it?

Sex stains?

Yeah, once you blow your brains out and do the world a favor.

How many sexes do you have on it?

All right, I'm going to blow my brains out.

Do the world a favor.

Like the world didn't notice if you blew your brains out.

I thought there'd be a bunch of fucking sad nerds wanting to listen to the goddamn show.

Yeah, man, I'm Carlito.

And that'd be the only people that cares.

It would ruin their Thursday night for sure.

At least one of them.

Yeah.

It'd be all butthurt.

It'd make for a sad weekend

A prank call is that

Yeah

Like fuck

It sucks Carlitos in

No

Here's an Indian restaurant

Yeah

Thinking about your buddy

Rip

Pour a little out for you

Yeah

Oh

Yeah

I gotta figure something out

My

What to do with my

Prank call empire

If I do die early

Yeah

If I get taken out like Tupac

Yeah

It might happen

Yeah

Pissing off the wrong people out there

Yeah

PSR guys

oh shit

those fucking guys

you're gonna get banned

from the chat

for saying it

oh shit

yeah

whoops

oh here

now looking back

on the map

in the uh

where are we

in Cleveland

here's another McDonald's

we're right here

if you want to send a missile

if you look at Cleveland

and we're over here

and then

we're gonna be going

down this way

and we're leaving

the door unlocked

that's basically

what that idiot did

he's stupid

there's a guy

flabbergasted

so they would censor me like you dumbass yeah because we're in the fucking middle of a war

and you're on fucking international tv on msnbc showing exactly where you fucking are and where

you're going uh and all your troop numbers and shit it's like yeah you think anyway all pro

window cleaning let's ask them if i can bring the windows to them and get a discount or something i

don't know i don't need them to come down here i'll be more than happy to bring my windows to

I should have said that

Hi you've reached

The fucking Spanish place

I should have said la la la

I didn't even think about that

I'll call you back

The number's not dead you call back

It didn't blow up

They're gone forever now

We'll never have them again

Master shake threw it on the ground

And it exploded

Don't win it

Okay, well now it's Delicia's restaurant.

Yeah, we've given him enough time.

To sit her down.

I hope it's the woman.

I'll do it to her first.

Then ask her if she's wet.

Broke the crust on her cunt.

Delicia?

Yes, la la la la la la.

You know, I say that to the women.

They like it.

Excuse me?

I say that to the women and they like it.

I go la la la la la la.

No, but that's a woman.

I don't like her.

What you want?

I want to just go down there and go whisper in your ear la la la la la.

that yeah say that shit to the women not me i don't hear that shit i'm not a woman man

hey poppy

hey poppy i'm not a woman man

no shit sorry sir i don't like your thing i made a mistake i'm sorry i apologize

fuck it i'll call him back and tell him that exactly what you just said right now

i made a mistake i apologize i thought you were a woman oh well what can you do i don't know

matt is he's excited about what apple oh i didn't know i didn't hear you have any idea i don't have

any money in that don't watch television well they got a cheap version of the iphone you should get

head of the the sea i got a stolen droid so i'm cool with that play the fucking simpsons game on

nice it's a fun game simpson it is man yeah and i got to make a swastika out of the fucking

too bad you weren't playing when me and brad were playing brad was really into it he's still

playing is he really yeah i just been through this town today oh wow i didn't know he was

actually actively playing still wow yeah my time's in there but it hasn't been touched in

oh like six months now yeah yeah i think he's like changed yeah because he like did shit my

town the other day he's got he's got like the popsicle tower and everything right though yeah

he's got everything yeah i don't have shit but i like my little springfield little springfield man

good times all right in new york the fusion it's fusion fusion restaurant to match our fusion prank

Frank calls for the afternoon.

Here we go.

Probably out of business, too.

Yeah.

Someone pay the bill, at least.

La, la, la, la.

Yes, I'd like to make an order.

Hello?

Yes, I'd like to make an order.

La, la, la.

Hold on one minute, okay?

Okay, monkey.

God damn it.

You take island and you take spices.

It's called island spice.

Maybe it's not Hispanic.

Maybe it's Mexican.

It's Caribbean or something.

Dirty people.

Yeah.

I like Jamaican food.

cockroaches

you should call

Rwanda

and talk about cockroaches

genocide

you ever see that movie

Hotel Rwanda

we should call them cockroaches

I don't remember the cockroach thing

yeah calling Rwanda

would be funny

as a genocide dream

well there was the whole thing

the guy from the UN is at the bar

and he's like the guy's the guy's like yeah you know so you got your one race of black people

here in the other race and we call them cockroaches and it's like you all look the

same to me and he's like no i am look at my skin it's darker and my nose is whiter i'm a cockroach

whatever oh my god i'm gonna hang up and call back it's like the

the susu and the hulus or something who do in the tootsies tootsies yeah one of them

I forgot who the cockroaches were.

They were chopping each other up with machetes in the street.

That show was wild.

They were driving over the bodies in the van, the church van.

Yeah.

Once those fuckers get chopping, they just can't stop.

Everybody takes...

Fuck it.

Yeah, you know what?

The code on the radio that the guy said was cut down the tall trees.

That was the code for them to revolt.

Oh, Jesus.

start the genocide yeah basically they're like fuck it we're doing it live

before you know it they're fucking eating people and shit yeah that's a fun movie it's a real feel

good movie guys watch that yeah wow man yeah uh genocide it's good for frank joe genocide it's

tasty more tall trees less tall trees yeah they all got chubbed out yeah that place left me on

hold they left the fun off the hook what a bunch of dummies all right uh caribbean puerto rican

here we go yoli's puerto rican cuisine that should definitely be puerto rican food

Well, yeah, it's in the name.

No fusion there.

Hey, Papi.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Hey, Papi.

Papi, Papi.

La, la, la.

Papi.

Fuck that guy said that.

Yes, hey, Papi.

How are you?

I wanted to make an order.

Yeah, what do you want?

One rice and beans.

You want to come and pick it up?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Why don't you just come?

Because I thought you'd look at it.

What do you want?

Rice and beans or what else?

Tostones.

And what else?

One Camerones in Mofongo.

One Maricon.

Maricon.

M-A-R-I-C-O-N.

It's a dessert, Maricon.

One Mierda.

M-I-E-R-D-A, Mierda.

One puta.

One sister.

One mother.

One Puerto Rican flag to wipe my ass with.

One stupid old woman mother of yours

I kick her in the wheelchair

I kick her down the stairs

What else?

And I laugh at her

What else?

That's it

Have a good day

Bye, Poppy

Okay

Bye

La la la

It's a wild thing

Yeah, like when he just stopped caring

It's like, yeah, fucking whatever

What else?

You kick your mother down the stairs in the wheelchair

And I laugh

And what else?

That's it

No more

That's my full order

You got all that

Read it back to me

Yeah man

Alright let me look for the Rwandan embassy

Let me ask them about cockroaches

Ask them if they got a cockroach problem

Rwanda

Embassy

You guys have a cockroach problem there

Alright

All right, we're calling her if I could find a phone number.

Uh-oh, uh-oh, they're calling back.

They're calling back.

Let's see.

Let me screen it in case it's the cops.

Okay, I've sent the caller a voicemail.

I forgot I don't have that microphone in.

Yeah, they can't hear me anyway.

Never mind, I forgot that.

I didn't connect that microphone today.

I usually don't in the morning shows.

I'm going to change my outgoing voicemail thing to la-la-la-la for the prank calls.

God, so we're just going to have to keep hearing this ringing.

Yeah, send in a voicemail.

See if they leave.

I like it when they leave a voicemail.

Usually it's an angry one.

When we're lucky, they're like, you motherfucker.

I get a lot of rednecks call back.

That seems to be the biggest one.

Like, you motherfucker, I'm going to.

Yeah.

The number that I have comes up in Las Vegas.

So I had this redneck.

I don't know if you heard the redneck recently.

He was like, I heard this is a guy in Vegas that loves a cocksucker.

And he goes, he says some shit like that.

It's like, I heard he goes to the fucking casino and sucks a cock.

If I can find that, I can play it for you.

But I don't see it here at the moment.

This shit's funny.

I'll have to play it another day for you, man.

I'm going to put these on a website.

I'm going to put a collection of angry voicemails that we've gotten back.

That'd be nice.

Yeah, yeah, like that guy.

And they're all out of context.

Yeah.

You wouldn't know what they were.

All right, here's Ambassador Matilde Mocanumteb.

in the rwandan embassy in dc i think you're gonna talk about cockroaches yeah

ask if they need help with cockroaches it's not ringing come on go through oh sure it's

going through a lot of switches yeah it's got a whole it's got a long way to go

a lot of routing gotta kick a lot of flags off and fucking get recorded hey guys

guys. Hope you guys

have a good day.

Nothing. That's a bum number.

They have a different number here, though.

I'll try the next one that they have listed.

Goddamn cockroaches can't even keep their shit updated.

Yeah, I'm alright.

Cockroaches.

It's the new

cockroaches.

It's stuck calling people.

Your call could not be completed at this time.

Oh my god.

How embarrassing for the Rwandan embassy

that doesn't have a fucking

They don't pay the bills

They got three numbers

Your call could not be completed at this time

Wow

I'll try the original one last time

Maybe they're closed

I've never heard that kind of recording

That cannot be completed

What do they just turn it on

What's the point of that

Right now you can't

Try it later

They get the generator fired up

The phone switch comes up

Yeah, the calling window is between this time and that time.

It's the whole triangulation thing.

The cockroaches.

The cockroaches will be in.

All right, well, so much for that idea.

That would have been great, but the Rwandans don't have a working phone number in their embassy in Washington, D.C.

That's a great hero.

I'm always hearing that complaint.

yeah i uh i could call the embassy of the united states in rwanda but i i don't want to do that

because it's the day before september 11th yeah and uh yeah i if i believe correct if i recall

correctly i think the rwanda embassy was bombed right before 9-11 actually well i think the year

before i think that was one of them right there were like three embassies in africa that got all

attack yeah at the same time yeah and i think the rwandan god damn new world order

i know man they can set up all the shit in 9-11 yep

building seven also all right here's island spice again they put me on they completely forgot about

me is what they did they fucking said this is the lady said wait a minute and completely left me on

hold in the middle of the lunch hour doesn't really bode well for this place

listen honey i called before and you went away for so long customers but why why so long are you

are you busy now honey baby no i'm not i had a lot of customers i gotta take care of them first

oh what are you doing are you busy are you good well i'm okay now you want to make the order i

want to touch your hair and you know rub my fingers through your hair and stuff no i don't

have no hair oh that's cool i want to make an order one rice and beans one maricon one maricon

m-a-r-i-c-o-n maricon i don't know what that is one mierda yeah we don't have that what we have

today is jerk chicken chicken roast beef uh-huh okay um brown soup chicken curry chicken curry

goat so yeah you know what's you know the jerk chicken you know i figure you can eat the

ejaculation of the chicken

because if we already eat the eggs, right,

that comes out of the vagina

and you can definitely

jerk off the chicken and eat it.

Whatever. Fucking stupid

jerk chicken.

I like that. I like jerk chicken.

We're already eating the eggs.

You're going to eat

the semen.

You're going to suck

a cock's cock

and get the semen.

We're going to make little baby chickens in our bellies.

But he can't.

You know why?

Because, you know, McDonald's takes the egg.

They took the egg and they blended it together.

The yolk and the white.

As a matter of fact, we can't do that because the egg's all fucked up now.

Oh, man.

Some shit I've never heard about.

This breakfast, big breakfast thing I've never heard about before in my life.

Shocking, scribbling process.

Sacrilege.

Oh, shit.

All right.

Well, I think I'm going to cut the show there.

It's 1 o'clock.

We've had some fun.

I've been on for about an hour and a half.

Good enough for me.

It was fun.

Yeah.

All right.

Hey, Matt, thanks for being on.

It was good having you, buddy.

God bless.

Hugs and kisses.

All right.

See you later, buddy.

Bye.

All right, kids.

Well, thanks for hanging in there.

I didn't check where Cresta prank.

I didn't check the chat room, really.

I was a bad host.

I was a lazy, bad host.

But I hope you guys enjoyed the show.

Just having a little bit of fun machine here on a Tuesday morning afternoon.

noon i do hope to do a show thursday i plan i give this uh 84 chance of there being a madhouse show

on thursday night at 10 p.m eastern at our normal time so look out for that hopefully that works out

if not i'll be back some other point you know i'll be here so la la la to you have a good night

Calls (16, 37 min of 1 h 32 min)

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