MadhouseSearch

The Computer Does Not Go

17 Sep 2013 · 1 h 21 min · 11,656 words · source

Calls (22, 45 min of 1 h 21 min)
  1. Handicap Equipment Machine Corporation water delivery live 5.4 min clip ↓
  2. Elevator shaft caller in IBM building live 9.3 min clip ↓
  3. Comic book store computer repair live 2.2 min clip ↓
  4. Adventures in Computers computer repair issue live 1.9 min clip ↓
  5. IRS call confusion with computer service live 3.1 min clip ↓
  6. Forgot doctor offices service message live 1.1 min clip ↓
  7. First Church YMCA clarification live 1.4 min clip ↓
  8. Salvation Army Shelter inquiry live 1.1 min clip ↓
  9. Homeless shelter asked for McDonald's franchise live 1.9 min clip ↓
  10. Transferred to House of Bullshit main office ivr 32 s clip ↓
  11. Called House of Bullshit about soup kitchen live 1.1 min clip ↓
  12. Asked about Sister Margaret's sexual comments live 35 s clip ↓
  13. Called back after being told not to live 36 s clip ↓
  14. Asked about Indian dentists and Dr. Roth live 1.9 min clip ↓
  15. Vietnamese restaurant asks about Lyndon Johnson live 50 s clip ↓
  16. Board of Education prank call live 1.3 min clip ↓
  17. Architects asked about boxing guy live 46 s clip ↓
  18. Connections service registration attempt live 1.1 min clip ↓
  19. Magician asked to vanish a car live 1.1 min clip ↓
  20. Family Dollar asked for gummy pussy candy live 4.4 min clip ↓
  21. Subway custom sandwich with canna butter live 1.1 min clip ↓
  22. Exxon station marijuana butter sandwiches live 2.6 min clip ↓

Transcript

I don't play no fucking games, dude.
I, I fuck you, son of a bitch.
Stop making a stupid comment.
You're out of your crazy mind.
You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.
I'll fuck you all night long.
You're not perfect.
Why don't you piss off?
You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.
Aloha.
Aloha to you.
I'm looking for Maya, last name Normus Butt.
Hang on, I'll check.
Has anyone here seen Maya Normus Butt?
Yeah.
All right, guys, hey.
Hi guys, meet Carlito. I'm here with Laugh Track Matt.
Cock munchers.
How are you, buddy?
I'm great, how are you?
Bad, I forgot to start the video, the YouTube.
Fuck, let me enable it real quick.
Well, fire it up, get the YouTube machine going.
That's a big deal, if I don't get that, everyone's like, hey, Mr. Day Show.
What kind of fans do you have to the doctor?
i've got the worst fans they're such assholes sometimes
like especially on youtube holy shit just like you made this private
like just download it go to the website listen to it i'm up to 305 subscribers
i'm feeling pretty good i feel good about myself they like me out there you have a weird name for
years don't you what what's your uh no it's hillock 666 okay you're up for the hope okay
that's why i thought weird i knew there was something different about it isn't this well
isn't it giad or ice goose one of the two has jesus in a dump truck i think oh so somebody
does yeah yeah i know that's that's a good name man jesus in a dump truck that's all i could see
jesus driving a dump truck yeah very chilled up i could see jesus is the guy that delivers water
watered to and fucking winks at the broads in the office starved for cock he turns one of those
whole water big jugs into wine yeah you know you have a party man yeah here you go y'all have fun
today yeah you must looking out see you this weekend give me a call he missed he musses up
your hair a little bit there you go he does that on friday sometimes he's black
it's got dreadlocks super super cool guy though that jesus the dominican guy that delivers water
to your office oh listen to the hammering do you hear it yeah you're listening to which one what
what are you listening to it's no it's outside it's clank they're working on like shit it sounds
like a fucking goddamn kid with like pots and pans and a wooden spoon just like clank clank
Oh, I thought you said you were listening to Hammer, like MC Hammer.
No.
Oh, yeah.
I'm listening to not, you know, the Hammer type.
I'm listening to when he tried to come back hard.
Oh, yeah.
Pumps and a bump.
You remember that video?
He had the huge Johnson and his Speedos by the pool.
Yeah.
No.
Because, yeah, the whole thing was that video for that one song when it came back, you know,
it was just Hammer.
He was all hard.
yeah and yeah he had a video by the pool for that song pumps and a bump yeah he was wearing speedos
and with no shirt on and he had like he had like this massive fucking horse cock in the speedos
you could see it like it was massive fucking bulge and he went on uh arsenio hall show who
actually came back last night and did really well in the ratings he's back on late night
wow really oh yeah i didn't even know you're in chicago i thought you'd know that
I don't know if he does it in Chicago anymore
like he used to
but Arsenio was like what the hell man
he should have still of it
massive cock
it's a nice looking cock
speaking of which here's Handicap Equipment
Machine Corporation
right away
what do they make
wheelchairs and shit
probably one of those wheelchairs
look at their stickers on your wheelchair
Huh?
Simone, how can I help you?
Hey, how you doing?
Well, how can I help you?
Did your water get delivered by Jesus?
Are you supposed to come and deliver your water today?
Oh, this is Eddie.
I'm with Water Machines.
We deliver your water there.
Yeah.
Do you know what?
I'm sorry.
United Water Machines.
Yeah, did Jesus, there's a Dominican guy named Jesus
who was supposed to come deliver your water services today
and, you know, take the empty ones,
and he was going to check your taps and everything.
Calling right away?
Yeah, right away.
Handicap Equipment Corporation machines.
I'm not sure what you're talking about.
Is there a man I could talk to?
Because obviously you've got a little problem there with the phone.
I have a problem with the phone?
Well, obviously, yeah, because I've explained twice now what's going on,
and you're like, duh, you know?
Do you have fluoride in your water?
Is that what's wrong?
Do you drink fluoride at home?
What is your name?
This is Eddie.
that's the second time i tell you my name also and what is your manager uh mr matt matt hill
yeah he's on the line i can connect him if you want i have supervisors on hand please all right
hey matt i got this stupid bitch on the phone yeah hello sugar tits speak up cat got your tongue
did jesus bring the fucking water today or not hello honey baby i told her she has problems
All right, let me call her back.
She didn't say anything after that.
She just kind of stared at the phone, I think.
Thank you for calling right away.
This is Simone.
How can I help you?
Hey, big girl.
Was I talking to you?
I was transferring my manager.
Are you just staring at the phone or something?
I think she has steam coming out of her head right now.
Like the cartoon shit, like going up the ears.
Just talk.
I said, Jim, can I help you?
Well, finally, I get to talk to a man, you know?
What's up?
Well, I was calling to see if Jesus had come deliver the water yet, the water machines.
Now you're doing it, you stupid little asshole.
Hello?
Listen.
Hello?
Yeah, I got a fucking guy that goes down there and brings your water and shit.
His name is Jesus, all right?
So did he show up yet?
Why is it so hard to get this answered by you damn people?
Which company are you with, sir?
I'm with United Water Machines.
I don't think we deal with United Water.
You do now.
We took over.
Okay.
I don't remember authorizing a change.
Well, we provide all the water machine services.
That's right.
Exactly.
Don't get smart and technical with me.
Okay.
What's your name?
Hey, Zeus isn't here.
What would you like me to do for you?
Well, did he come in yet?
Why are you so stupid that I've had to ask you?
Now, this is the fifth time.
Did he come in or no?
Are you saying he didn't come in?
Right.
You're really stupid.
You know, you've wasted a lot of my damn time.
I'm trying to track him down, you know, see if he's doing his job.
Sorry about that.
I haven't seen a Jesus.
Whatever.
No one brought your water today, then?
No.
Fine.
Why did it take so long to get that info from you?
A long time.
Let me speak to your superior.
I'm the manager here, sir.
I command you to put someone else on.
There is nobody above me here, sir.
No?
No.
All right.
I don't have anything else for you.
You got anything for Matt, my supervisor's here?
Yeah, I like the fact that he was calling you, sir.
That was fantastic.
How you doing there, you fucking Nancy boy?
You haven't seen Jesus bring water?
You stupid fuck.
He totally barked you down, and you're like, no, I'm sorry, sir.
There's been no issues here.
We know you don't deal with this fucking fake company, you dumb shit.
You think I'm not smart enough to figure that out?
Yeah, I think you're very stupid, man.
You just figured it out.
Get out of here.
Retards don't know how to use the phone.
I've got my entire staff here laughing at you boys.
We're laughing our ass off, too.
Hey, staff.
Hey, guys.
Do you know your boss masturbates in his office all day while you're working hard?
I guess we're not speakerphone anymore.
And he didn't do it because it was crude.
He's like, oh, no, he knows.
He just crammed.
he's like what are they doing turning on my webcam
motherfuckers
it's the guys from my
prepaid sites I knew they
dragged me down
he probably does and there's already a rumor in the office
yeah
just coincidentally you just brought it up
all the women are like I told you
I told you I heard he does
that that's how they talk
yeah for some reason
they're hillbillies
I heard they do that
you're like don't get smart with me boy he called you fucking sir it's a sorry and shit
whatever talking about really think that's that fucking broad that bought the fake ipad saying
you think all that information i said was true yeah he she was way ahead of brad on that when
Once she gave her social security number, her bank info, fucking God, the address.
She wanted the purple iPad.
Yeah.
No, everything's fake.
Christ.
Aren't you glad you did a show?
It's already fun.
Yeah, I am.
Thanks, man.
Here's Oda's elevator.
Pretty nice elevator.
I like it.
It's got an ADA compliant phone.
I watch this kid that does things.
It's a four-digit extension.
You may dial it at any time.
To dial by name, press the number sign.
The number sign.
It's the pound sign.
One moment, please.
Number sign.
Dummies work on elevators that fucking have people's lives in your hand.
What's a pound?
What's a pound?
Who's calling in?
What's a pound?
I got this to remind me about Pound Key after this.
Yeah.
It's a good story.
Hello.
Good morning.
Hello.
Are you elevated?
It's, I've tried to, I'm in the elevator in the parking garage.
Where are you, sir?
I'm inside.
I'm sitting on the floor.
The elevator machine doesn't go.
And then I tried to pick up the thing and it said hit the pound key.
And there's, I don't know, what's a pound key?
The number sign.
Which number?
What?
No, it's the, um.
Hang on.
This one.
But it's a.
That one?
What?
Yeah, but you've already reached me.
Huh?
What, what city are you in?
Hang on.
There.
There, okay.
What state and city are you in?
I'm in, I think the state here right now, we're safe.
You know, everybody's calm.
No, no, no.
What town are you in, sir?
Yeah.
Huh?
What town are you in?
What city?
The garage.
Huh?
I get really bad reception in these elevators.
I have poor reception.
That's the first thing I got to say.
Well, I'm trying to help you, sir, but I need to know.
what's a pound key what's a pound key listen i'm diabetic what's a pound key hang on let me try
this one no there's one that looks like a star kind of the one on the other side of the zero
but it won't work now because you've already reached me then what's wrong with this what's
wrong with this thing i don't know because you should have gone to otis line not to we cannot go
um make us go can you hold on a second sir can you put me through to mr laforge
No, I can't.
There's no Mr. LaForge here.
Jordy LaForge?
No.
Okay.
Well, get someone on, please.
Hold on, please.
Thanks.
Jordy LaForge.
Oh, this is fucking awesome.
She's so pretty.
Jordy LaForge.
The number sign.
Which number?
What stand are you in?
Oh, we're doing pretty.
Yeah, we're all right.
For now.
It hasn't been that long.
We're in a state of confusion.
Well, we're not moving.
Hammer, hammer, hammer.
Can you make that louder where you can say it's you in the background?
I could open the window.
Yeah, do it.
No, I can't.
I can't move the laptop.
The fucking power supply is so janky.
Damn it.
That would have been awesome.
Yeah.
She's running around.
Then I do the echo.
The elevator shot.
This one better?
All right, this is the better echo, I think.
Elevator machine.
Elevator machine.
She's getting the guy with the crowbar.
Hello?
Yes.
Where are you located?
Well, right now we made a hole on the top of the elevator.
Yeah, but we don't.
You called the service location, and we don't know what state you are.
Well, right now we're not moving.
That's the status.
And the phone thing, it says hit a pound key.
and there was no such thing.
I looked all over it.
So I got through to that lady
and she had me on hold for so long
that we took out some of the ceiling panels
and right now I'm on top of the elevator
and I'm going to just start climbing.
We shouldn't be doing that.
Well, I mean, I've got to get
that stuff I've got to do.
I'm diabetic, you know,
I've got to get something to eat.
My sugar's really low.
Yeah, but what state are you in?
um i would have to say i'm not critical i'm stable right now i'm stable uh it's a little
uncomfortable here it's very stuffy um kind of dirty it's it's dark but can you i think
can you take me off a speakerphone and talk to me directly well i mean i need both of my hands
your my phone is in my pocket my shirt pocket because i'm hanging out with both my hands right
right now. I'm going to keep climbing, you know, until I hit maybe the next floor up.
How do I open the door from inside the elevator shaft? You can't. You stopped the elevator shafts
in the detention level. The elevator in the detention level. Hello? Hello? Shut down all
the elevator shafts in the detention level. Someone's activating the elevator, not the shaft.
They probably did. What do I do? You're not telling us what building you're in?
I'm in the garage machine.
Yeah.
Uh-oh.
Here it comes.
Here it comes.
What state are you calling from?
That's the elevator next to me.
It's like moving.
That one's working, but this one is.
Yes, but we don't know where you're located.
Oh, I'm in Arizona.
You're in Arizona?
Yeah.
That's why it's very hot in here.
What's the city in Arizona?
I don't know.
I'm not sure.
What's the name of the building that you were going to in Arizona?
International Business Machines.
International business?
Machines.
So you're in the IBM building in Arizona.
No, no, no.
Don't get them confused with IBM.
It's just international business machines.
There's pending litigation about that.
Look, we really shouldn't be talking about this right now.
Yeah, but in order to send somebody to you, I need to know where you are.
I'm in the...
It's cold.
It's dark.
There's a dripping noise.
There's cables in here.
There's used condoms.
Hold on.
I can get back in the elevator.
Yeah, I would go back to the elevator and then stay there.
Stay here? Okay. All right.
I'll just wait here for help because this is going nowhere.
No, it's not going to go anywhere.
I'm trying to figure out what building you're in.
You're not even helping me out.
People are so stupid.
If you can't tell me what building you're in,
I can't send anybody to you because I don't know where you are.
You're on the cell phone.
You're not on one of the phones that are inside the elevator.
Well, you're pretty stupid then, right?
It's a national business.
See, I don't have an international business in Arizona.
Well, fuck me then, right?
I guess I'll just sit here and wait like an asshole.
Now, are you inside the elevator?
Now I am, yeah, because, you know, Masters.
There should be a phone in the elevator.
I did, and it said hit pound key.
There's no pound button.
Just push the button.
Which one?
The elevator, the phone has one button.
You push that button, and that'll call Otis Lyne.
No, it says press the pound key.
you what kind of uh is it a blue phone or is it just kind of mounted into a panel it says elevator
machine phone hello and the call got cut off fuck what the fuck happened i was getting there's a
problem with this call when they cut off i didn't do that on purpose maybe the nsa didn't like me
joking around about elevator machines i don't know my call got cut off i would say it hurts
for quite a while how long do you keep them on i don't know it was starting to get boring anyway
yeah dude turn down all the trash
compactors on detention level
turn them off
pending
litigation with IBM
holy fuck
he's like I just need to
get back in the elevator
he's totally like oh yeah I probably should get
back in the elevator he didn't seem to have a problem
with the fact that I was trying to climb out like
in a movie or something
I ended up with a fucking pocket
that's
the sound effects were pretty spot on dude you know that that's been in so many movies that
whole scenario i wonder if anybody's you think some it's it's happened a lot i've never heard
a news the story about someone actually ever doing that escaping oh yeah i don't know i got
me and my mom got locked in an elevator that went too far up and the fire department had to come and
and, like, help us down through, like, the half of a fucking door.
Wow.
It was pretty crazy, man.
Wicked, man.
But there was nowhere to climb.
Like, we were already as tall as, you know, there's no up.
Wow, okay.
Fuck, dunk your head on cement.
Here's Connecticut Computer Service.
That's a DS.
yes or hey how about how about we call we can call the uh the the comic book store from my
hometown when i was a kid because he's actually a computer repair store now let me uh i don't
know why i just want to give him is it is it the same owner yeah yeah it's the same guy yeah let
me find this did he used to touch you when you're a kid no there was a rumor that he touched somebody
body and of course yeah a few years ago um arty who hangs out with us on this show he called him
and he asked him he was a child molester something stupid like that he asked him do you have magic
tournaments he's like no because too many kids were coming and staying too late and he said
because you're a child molester he goes maybe you're a child molester let's see if a big poppy
Let's see
His name is Soddy
And he was actually a family friend of mine
It's quite an interesting story
Let me see if
He probably won't recognize my voice though
He's stupid
About the name of his business
How I made him change it
Prank
We are not available now
What kind of fucking business is that
It doesn't even say what the business name is
Yeah
It's not hello you've reached whatever computer service
Yeah
Service machine
gift fix.
I don't know. Here's a different number that's listed.
Because now it's
the collectible store plus
computer repair center.
When he answers the phone, he says,
thank you for calling Adventures in Computers
and Computer Games. It's like a long-ass
fucking name. It's combined
like three businesses in one.
And sandwich shoppy.
I don't ask if they have
sandwiches. It's your message for
generic place.
Please leave your message for 386-
Three months.
That's a fucking goddamn business that doesn't even set the shit up.
Fucking worst fucking computer repair place ever.
I don't know how to work these phones.
What's the number key?
Yo, fuck this.
Computer machines to fix.
Anyway, the pound key thing, I told you to remind me about the pound key story.
Yeah.
I used to do customer service for a cable company, and there was a blizzard up north,
and they were getting so many calls from people that their cable was down.
They just set up a generic voicemail, and it said,
if your service is down, there's too many people calling about it.
Just leave your message, and we'll call you back.
We'll get to you, kind of.
And we were sharing the audio files of this,
and there was this one old lady who left a message, and she's like,
what's a pound key?
Oh, my God.
i swear and she hung up and like we all we spent the rest of the year just quoting her all the time
we just say what's a pound key and then she called back left another message you know and uh what was
she she was like lying down she was like really upset that her cable tv was down it's like god
it's not like the end of the world it's not like your power is down at least you got a power lady
whatever a fucking old ass lady would know like can't watch channel seven can't watch will fortune
Yeah.
Thank you for calling computer service.
Do you know your party's extension?
You may dial it.
It's like, at least you can have a hot shower and cook food.
Press the number key.
Good morning.
Can you compute a service?
Yeah.
Hey, let's say this.
Is this Adventures in Computers?
No.
I'm looking for that kind of computer.
You have the wrong number.
Shut up.
I got a computer problem.
The computer won't go.
What company are you looking for?
Computer Service Incorporated Machines.
The computer machine doesn't go.
It doesn't go.
It doesn't have power.
We, like, we need it to go.
Fine, Mom.
Okay.
Hi, this is Cockanoffy.
Hey, I'm with We Are Smart, and the computer does not go.
Okay.
Are you looking for the IRS?
No, I'm looking for computer machines.
Okay.
Yeah, the computer does not go.
The computer, it doesn't have power.
It doesn't go.
How do you make it go?
Can you help us?
Where are you located?
We Are Smart.
Yeah, where though?
Warfeuter servicing ticket.
Yes, there you go.
That's the one.
Okay.
We cannot go.
Okay.
We want what we want.
Uh-huh.
We want to be nothing if not persistent.
Good day.
Hey, I'm looking for the IRS.
Why would he ask if I'm looking for the IRS?
What the hell was that?
I don't know.
It was a suit.
Like, there's no way I would have been able to hold a straight piece of that.
Did I sound like a retarded kid?
a retarded accountant or something
hey you know what as a matter of fact that's why i called the computer company
fucking nuts that's it this is a star trek reference i'm doing the next generation they
found this race of really retarded fat aliens and all they said was like we cannot go and they're
like okay i don't know if you've ever seen that it's really funny what was it it's the i don't
know the episode they were called the packlets i i don't know i just remember like they sent
jordy over and then they tried to kidnap them because they're like you are smart we want you
and he's like ah no I'm gonna go back to my
ship and they pull the phaser out on him
and he's like no you will stay
they're really dumb but they try to trick
the Enterprise you gotta watch it
they're just because like
you gotta see because like they come up on him
and like they put him on the view screen and they're like
really fat and dumb looking
they're just like
Rucker's like you need assistance
they're like yes we cannot go
like okay
like you are strong
we are smart
If you're calling computer service, if you know your party's extension...
Enter the number you wish to transfer to.
Come on.
I hit the pound key, that's what happened.
Sorry, the operator is not available.
How is the operator not available?
Bullshit.
If you're calling computer service...
We look for things.
Computer service?
Things that make us go.
We look for things that make us go.
Hello?
Yes.
Yeah, we look for things that make us go.
Sir, what did you need?
We look for things, things we need.
Who did you need to speak to?
This is a computer.
Yeah, that's the one, yes.
You are smart.
You guys are smart.
One moment.
Okay.
One IRS.
Yes, make us strong.
I have no time for your crap.
I'm looking for the IRS, Peter.
Come on.
Is there any way for the IRS to treat us?
Haven't they done enough, really?
Fuck you, Peter.
What an asshole.
You already take half of my goddamn paychecks
So my kids can't eat
Someone tried to call us back
I don't know why
I sent you the voicemail
But they didn't leave a message
Who do you think it was?
I don't know
It's from the area code that we're calling today
Here's family foot care center
Would you like to do that Matt?
Do you have a foot family?
Sure
I want to know
You got nail shavings
You have reached
Forgot doctor offices are on service
From now for like the next three hours
Crazy bastards
Jesus they're probably all talking to the IRS
God they take two to three hour
Breaks every day and they don't even answer
The fucking phone during the time
You got all these stupid answering services
God fucking doctor's offices
You know what I'm talking about
You deal with those fucking bastards
Yeah, I went to the doctor yesterday.
He gave me a great report.
I'm doing well.
He said, whatever you're doing, keep it up.
You're looking great.
Good, good.
I'm going to call Church Corners in.
You know what used to piss me off when I was in a hospital for an extended time?
All these fucking doctors that would come in that I would only see once.
And they're like, hey, how you doing?
I'm Dr. Patel.
I'm like, hi, Dr. Patel.
All right, let me see how your wound's healing.
Okay, all right.
Well, see you later.
all right never see you again and i know they probably billed like 300 for that little
interaction there to the insurance company fucking vultures man yeah i don't even care
you know i'm living on a government dole yeah i think so it's an end with two ends
i don't have time for your crap
uh i need to get water matt sorry to do this to you okay i need to hydrate okay
Okay? Yeah. Alright.
Sorry about that.
I think they were fine with it.
It's free entertainment.
They're not just jerks anyway. Who cares?
I piss on all my
fans. All my listeners.
They were here right now.
It's kind of hot.
YMCA First Church. I don't know if this is a church
or a YMCA or
what exactly. It sounds like a scam.
I don't like the sound of it. I'll get to the bottom of it.
YMCA church machine
You want to do a prank
You let me know
Yeah I'll do it
Alright cool
YMCA church
Here you go
Good luck with that
I want to know what it is
Is it a pillow
Or is it a pet
Good afternoon
First church
Is it church
Or a YMCA
Is it a pillow
Or is it a pet
Oh
It's a church
Do you
Does uh
Jesus
Do the water there
You used to what
I used to what
I used to fuck your daughter
Sweeter
Oh, wow.
Now I'll call and apologize.
First Congressional Church, this is Louise.
Hi, honey.
I'm sorry.
Look, my brother just called over there and said something really nasty.
Was he talking to you or someone else?
No, he was talking to the secretary.
That's why I answered the phone.
Oh, okay.
Was there a problem?
Yeah, he was really rude and nasty.
He said something really mean, and I want to apologize.
He's got a lot of problems, you know?
Well, thank you.
Yeah, he's been drinking and all that today, so I'm sorry.
you know and uh yeah so this is a church yes all right and what's the ymca about it paris is there
a shelter there no um it's um well the ymca has a daycare okay so it's not it's not um it's just
for preschool children it's not a place for me my brother to come and be in a shelter and get free
coffee and french toast no sleep on a cot and steal other people's stuff and take a shower in
in front of other men.
Look at each other's penises
when we're taking a shower
and have sex, gay sex.
Yeah, you call the YMCA.
Might be able to help you with something like that,
but not the YMCA.
I'll call them about all that.
All right, thanks.
Okay.
See ya. Bye.
Thank you. Bye.
God bless.
Hell yeah, man.
He got to the phone.
He's like, oh, we can't do that here,
but they might.
How the fuck did she take anything serious
that she had to pick up the phone?
the secondary broad was so offended she's like you just get it i can't fucking deal with this
so what now uh free coffee french toast sticks
i guess that's what they feed you there in the ymca shelter usually
oh man
let me look up i'm gonna look up the uh that shelter she was just talking about well this
is i got an animal shelter here we go homeless shelter
shelters let me see if i can find the one she yeah they're they're real friendly they're typically
homeless shelters well i found ywca but that's women right the yw not the ym ymca is for the men
yeah oh man was it really uh let me see i don't see it all right we'll find we'll call any of them
then yeah immaculate conception and shelter okay immaculate conception what the name is it
And that means what?
That fucking God came down and fucked somebody?
I don't know.
Let's name our homeless shelter after it.
That's some poor, confused broad getting molested.
Some drifter.
Pieces of shit.
Salvation Army Shelter, all right?
I used to have a great Satanic Army Marilyn Manson shirt.
That slugsy shirt said the Satanic Army on the front.
satanic yeah like the same logo god remember the big deal in like a 97 with marilyn manson
yeah i went and saw so many mansons just in the land that they're always protesting
i'm gonna help you yeah i'm looking for a shelter where i can go have free coffee and french
toast steaks and take a shower sleep in a car watch the other men take a shower together you
you know? Excuse me?
Watch the other men, you take a shower
in the same bathroom and all that.
Excuse me? Why is that so wrong?
Matt, you try her.
Okay. You sound like you're her type.
Yeah.
Sugar doll.
Yeah, hi. What was wrong with the
woman that picked up before? Or was that you?
The one that acts like, you know,
kind of an uppity person.
Uppity, you know?
Like doesn't know their place.
What I'm trying to say is that
is there any problem?
Yeah, I've got all kinds of
problems. That's why I'm calling a homeless shelter.
My life's falling apart
and I need some place to stay.
It hurts my
pussy lips just thinking about
where am I going to get
my French toast sticks,
sweetie? What's that?
Where do I get French toast
sticks? For what?
I need a franchise for McDonald's.
For your what?
The McDonald's.
I need a franchise.
For McDonald's?
Yes, for your donuts.
We need to franchise your donuts right now.
I'm calling from overseas.
I'm sorry on the wrong line.
Am I?
This is my arrest.
rest okay thank you sir bye you're on the wrong line me she doesn't mean the phone line she just
means like you're on the wrong path oh my god why was she talking to me so long i'm laughing
you're saying i'm talking about your pussy lips and i lost i started laughing i don't know if
you can hear me like what are my pussy lips gonna do they're hurting or whatever the fuck you said
French toast
sticks sound
good man
you can
dial your
party's
extension
at any
time
this is
the house
of
so I
guess I
gotta have
I can't
take your
call right
now please
leave me a
message
thank you
did she say
there's some
reason I
can't take
your call
right now
house of
at any
time
for the
office
managers
please
Please dial 201.
Transferring to.
One moment, please.
What?
I'm not available to take your call right now.
I really don't know how to place a statement.
I really got some jokes for House of Bullshit here.
Hello?
Is that House of Bullshit?
I can take a message for you.
Who are you trying to reach?
What do you do there?
Are you Message Woman?
No.
The Keeper.
You're what?
The Queefer?
The Book Keeper.
Oh, that's cool, honey.
That's nice.
Who's calling?
Oh, this is Eddie.
This is House of B****, right?
Right.
How many sandwiches you got?
Huh?
How many sandwiches you got?
Are you looking for the soup kitchen?
Well, yeah, or something.
Yeah, it's House of B****.
Hold on one second.
Let me switch you to the right person.
I like to place an order.
Let's order the soup kitchen.
House of B****.
Yes, is this the soup kitchen?
No, this is the main office.
What's your name, honey, baby?
No, my name is Sister Maureen, and I don't appreciate being called honey or baby.
Oh, man, leave ya, you know?
I wanted to talk to someone about the soup kitchen.
Well, you have to call the soup kitchen.
All right, and do you know about, like, the clitoris and the vaginal openings and all that?
Do you know about Hail Satan?
She's the sister, and I just asked about the clitoris and vaginal openings.
She didn't like honey baby either.
Who the fuck gives up their life?
I'm going to go be married to God.
married to a fucking invisible ghost
yeah
made a fucker
that lives in the sky
in a fantasy book that was written a long time ago
oh my god that's horrible
you don't believe in baby Jesus and all that
oh I got
I used to work
with this Polack dude that's like
what do you mean you don't believe
in little baby Jesus
his name was
oh my god
And I would just scream at him.
I was like, fuck you.
He went and told the boss.
He's like, every day he come and put middle fingers up and say, fuck you, Yano.
Every day.
You should have told him the dumb Polack jokes.
See if he thought.
Yeah.
Oh, I'd be like, fuck you.
I hate you.
Fucking hate you, you stupid goddamn trick.
Why don't you go tell?
Tell on me again, fucking idiot.
Anyway, for a nun, she's pretty feminist, right?
God, she's really nice.
She's all about it.
Don't you call me honey baby.
What's your name?
You've reached the voicemail.
She's unavailable to take.
Transferring to extension 5-0-0.
One moment, please.
I think it's taking us back to the same place.
How's the thrift shop?
Yes, may I speak with the Sister Margaret?
Sister Maureen?
Yes.
Or call her at the home program.
This is not the right number.
Because I called her, and she was saying all these sexual things to me.
You know, I was really offended.
Well, if you want to talk to her, you have to call her at the home program.
All right, but why would she just start talking about sexual things?
I don't know.
You'll have to ask her.
Bye.
What's a labia?
Toast.
You can dial your party's extension at any time.
To the office.
One moment, please.
We didn't get a hold of her, right?
Yeah, no, we didn't.
Yes, is this?
No.
Oh, hello.
Oh, yes.
Do you need something?
Well, I was talking to the soup kitchen, and they didn't...
Listen, is this the gentleman that just called?
Maybe. Why?
Is it a problem?
Is it going to be bad if I call back?
I would prefer you not call him.
I didn't appreciate your choice of words.
Listen, do you know that Jesus forgave even those who crucified him?
Please, thank you.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
What would the water, the guy that delivers water say?
say about your... Hey, Susan, call, man.
What would you say about
your bad conduct?
The office may be transferring to
52. Good afternoon, this is...
Yeah, Jesus said, gather ye rose
buds while ye may. Okay,
think about it. You tell that sister
the witch about
that, alright? I don't want to hear this. Goodbye.
Yeah, okay. Gather ye
rose buds while ye may.
I'm sure he's...
I wonder if they all
menstruate at the same time.
Can you imagine the massive menstruations that none has?
Those pipes are all clogged up.
It's like a big red truck driving through, man.
Wow.
All right.
Now that we've completely grossed everybody out.
They're good fans.
Yeah.
Maybe a few more calls here before I call it a day.
Let's see.
What's a DMD doctor?
Is that a dentist?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Sounds like a dentist, because he's an American.
He'd be a trippy doctor taking the void, man.
It says dentistry, so that was right, yeah.
Another clue is that it's an American name, so it's not Indian,
so you're pretty sure, I guess, it's a dentist.
There are not a lot of Indian dentists, but God, they're everywhere else, those fucks.
How many Dr. Patels have you ever seen?
I don't know.
The doctor I saw yesterday was a white guy.
Dr. Roth's office.
Yeah, I first of all want to say thank God that Dr. Roth is American, right?
That he's not like an Indian doctor or something like that.
Who's calling?
This is Eddie.
And, you know, the last I've been to a few of these Indian doctors and stuff, dirty hands and all that.
You know, they don't wash their hands after they go to the bathroom.
You know, they play that loud music when you go to the doctor's office.
Indian doctors are just as professional.
thank god told for comedy purposes thank god you're a white white power
i should have asked if it was the jewish doctor because you would you wouldn't deal with that
either would you no no best doctors and good doctors are good lawyers man you might want to
hate them i know you do but you agree you agree if you really had a big lawsuit you'd be like
Like, Mr. Goldberg.
I remember in fucking high school, some shy broad was talking about Jew and something down.
And the teacher was like, hey, you don't say that.
Like, some of us, like Matt there, I think he's Jewish.
And I was like, what the fuck?
Okay.
I woke up from my drug-induced slumber.
What are you talking about?
There's some guy complaining about you in the chat room that you're annoying.
You know?
Who is that?
Fuck that Shanahan guy, he doesn't like you
The number you are calling, 8
Don't listen to Pussy Lip
Yeah, Pussy Lip
I'll edit a special version for you
With no Matt
That's for you, it'll be great
It'll sound like I'm talking to myself
Some of the pranks will be like
Pretty quiet
This is me
Anyway, a Vietnamese restaurant
Can I ask if Lyndon Johnson really is a medic?
Alright
yeah hello hello this is a vietnamese restaurant yes yeah um is lyndon johnson really a bad egg
would you and your people agree my boss he's not here right now i don't say cook right now
but lyndon johnson is he a bad egg what you want what you want for me honey oh i want your
You're heading to marriage, sweetie baby.
Yeah, I think I want to marry you.
I think you're the lady of...
I think I want to get married and settle down with you.
You know?
What?
She call you a pig?
Who was that?
Or bitch?
You say beach?
What was that?
Fucking Christ.
Her pussy lips are all in her fucking fur.
That's what her pussy lips said that week.
Me.
Big pink pussy lips.
They're not pink.
They're like some off-brown.
Her boss is Lyndon B. Johnson, so I'm guessing she's from South Vietnam.
Let me ask her something.
Hello, dear.
Hey, honey.
I'll let them make an order.
You tell me.
Okay, I want you to pull out of Saigon and case on.
What?
What mean you're Saigon?
I don't understand.
I want you to pull the 83rd Infantry.
I need somebody who can speak English.
No, are you stupid?
Hello?
Hey, Didi Mao.
I need Didi Mao.
All right, I need to give you an order.
Yeah, listen, there's some MVA regulars just outside of town.
We wanted to send you boys out over there to take a look at them.
Restaurant, do you need a...
Yeah, why do you have so much rice in your village, huh?
You don't need this much rice to feed your people.
Are you feeding Viet Cong?
Are you feeding North Vietnamese true for all these rice?
I got a good mind to turn over all your rice.
Turn it over on the ground and soil it.
What is it?
I want two bags of Vietnamese rice.
I'm going to turn them over in the soil.
I'm going to make them dirty.
I'm going to shit on your food.
Oh, my God.
Too much rice.
Fucker.
My uncle in Vietnam, he told me personally that he felt really bad because once they went to a village and they burned all their rice down.
down like the rice patties and they because they found a hut he said they found a hut and they just
had all this fucking rice up to the ceilings and shit and there was like 30 people that lived there
and they're like you don't need this it was like enough rice for them for like 10 years or
something yeah and he was like this is horse shit you know this commander's like this is horse shit
so they they took all the rice but instead of just getting rid of it they like they filed it
they said they all like shit and pissed on it and all this shit yeah i remember it was yeah i was
I was like, holy crap, man.
He's like, oh, yeah, man.
And shot people in the head and fucked the whole.
Yeah, he said, yeah, no, I don't think he ever did that.
Yeah.
You remember that game, Operation Wolf, for the NES?
Yeah.
All right.
My mom got mad at him because we were at home playing Operation Wolf on NES
with the Zapper gun, right?
Yeah.
And he took his turn, and he was shooting everything on the screen.
And, you know, like, every once in a while, you know,
there'll be like a good guy running across like a kid on crutches or a nurse or something
and i was like no uncle tony don't shoot that guy he's one of the villagers and he's like ah
this is a vietnamese my mom heard him and like got like really mad she's like you know don't
talk to him about stuff like that are you crazy he was like laughing you know i was like wow i
I really do think he killed some innocent people.
Oh, yeah.
Every once in a while, he would drop.
That was the first sign.
And after that, he kind of...
I've never talked to him about it since.
But next time I go to Puerto Rico, I'm going to ask him.
Because he was fucking awesome.
He actually spoke English, you know, because he was in the service.
Yeah.
So I didn't speak that much Spanish at the time.
So I could talk to him a lot.
It was kind of cool.
But, yeah.
Anyway, yeah.
He killed Vietnamese.
He made a joke about it.
Word atrocities.
I was eight years old and he made a joke about it
and pissed off the sister, my mom.
All right, here's
Board of Education.
That funny story brought to you by the IRS
and Lyndon Johnson.
Brought to you by
Operation Wolf by Data East.
I think that was a Data East game.
I'm not sure.
Data East.
I remember the one that
some game, I remember it would talk
and it's like, Data East.
There was bad dudes where when you beat the level...
Maybe I'm bad.
NES was like,
I'm bad.
It sounded so bad.
I remember the arcade,
it was like,
I'm bad.
NES was like,
I'm bad.
It was fucking stupid.
All right.
Bad dudes.
All right.
Architects.
Machines.
Isn't that the game
where they're like,
are you a bad enough dude
to save the president's daughter?
Yeah.
Anyway.
I just recently got
a big-ass meme
like tore it down and there's so many like real cheesy like beat-em-ups oh dude i was playing
final fight the other day that's fun so man hey this is hagar how are you how are you oh i got a
problem you do oh yeah listen i was going in front of one of these buildings and i got attacked i
was really mad right because they took my daughter so i started going after the bad guys and i like
i had this move where i twirl around with my arms out you know and i was wearing like dress pants
and his button-up shirt, but you can see my chest and the sleeves are rolled up.
What do you like?
Do you have that one guy from the boxing ring with the katana sword?
I think you have the wrong number.
This is the studio architects.
Yes.
Yeah, yeah.
There's that one guy from the boxing.
He doesn't work here anymore.
Oh, why not?
I don't know.
He left a long time ago.
Oh, why?
Where did he go?
He's in Boston somewhere.
Yeah?
Do you like him?
Do you talk to him?
Who is this?
Did he ever come around talking to you, you know?
Like, hey, what's up?
Get your dirty hands on me, you know?
You know what I mean?
All right, thank you.
Yeah, listen, you know what I told those kids?
I said, get your meat hooks off my daughter.
All right, whatever.
Anyway, I was trying to, I don't know what the fuck I was doing with that.
I was trying to shit an egg.
He made that noise when he did the spinning around.
He'd go, rrrr.
my ma just called and said my new laptop has been delivered all right so i'm gonna go down there
well you got a dell machine what you got uh no another little acer fucker cool no it's a cheap
little thing i'll end up giving it to her like if i ever get my back disability money i'm gonna get
like the best laptop i can get and then get that oculus rift okay and that's that's the last
anybody's gonna see me you're just gonna live on the oculus rift you gotta you gotta pick a game
i'm gone like fuck the fuck the world i'm gonna live in some virtual shit like the lawnmower man
is that out yeah i mean i know about it and the the whole thing and they were getting into they
were going to integrate it in a few games yeah that were coming out i don't know it had to be
there's this one video where there's like dudes like looking at like a scan of like dudes in
underwear and naked broads and they look like fucking real nice he's like it's unnerving he's
like it's weird like standing this close to somebody it feels real and he climbs up a ladder
to get a better view on this one broad because she's way taller than him that
That sounds kind of creepy.
But what's that effect?
Isn't there an effect that the human body, when it sees something like an android, you know, like those Japanese ones, it gives you a disgusted feeling?
You know what I'm talking about?
The Uncanny Valley thing.
Yes, Uncanny Valley, exactly.
I'd be afraid of that happening, you know?
Well, it looks, no.
This shit looks, I'll send you a link to the fucking video.
It's, like, crazy.
Cool.
If they had that for, like, EVE Online, I'd be totally hooked.
I would be all the time.
You know they will.
They have to, right?
That game was made for Oculus for the Rift.
It's called Oculus Rift, right?
Yeah, yeah.
And so you didn't donate to the crowdfunding?
No, but you can buy them for $300 at Developer Kit right now.
Oh, that's not too bad.
No, it's not bad at all.
But I'm saying I want like a fancy-ass goddamn computer.
All right.
So I figure I'll spend like maybe $3,000 or $2,000 for a computer and buy that.
You can build a pretty good one with that.
I'm going to get a laptop so I can go in the shitter and talk at night.
That's so weird how you do that.
That's what you do, right, usually?
Yeah.
Well, it's all room with a door.
Cool.
And it has good acoustics in there.
It does, yeah.
It's probably the best acoustics in your house unless you've got a special room there.
Hey, we're blabbing too much.
Here's Hamlet Connections.
I have no idea.
Oh.
I don't know.
I want to make a connection.
All right, cool.
I remember fucking with people on some sex line.
I'm trying to get connected, and I kept playing a moth or a toy into the phone.
Ching, ching, ching.
I'm looking to get connected.
Good afternoon.
Connections, Yomaira speaking.
Yeah, hi there.
I'm trying to get connected.
Are you the one to talk to about that?
About?
Getting connected.
You know what I mean.
Can I just call you?
Yes, Maddie.
How you doing, sweetheart?
And who are you?
My name is Yomaira.
Sarah, are you registered with us?
Oh, that's a very pretty name.
I thought it was going to be, like, Bootsy Lips.
That's not it.
Yeah, no, I'd like to register, too.
Okay, you would have to come in between 9 to 11 or 1 to 3,
and you need to have two forms of ID when you come in.
Yeah, I can print them off on the computer machine.
I don't need mine to bring the sex offender card, though, right?
I'm sorry?
The card that says I'm a registered sex offender,
nobody wants to connect with the sex offender so i'll keep that on the wraps okay no you don't need
that with you yeah cool i'm gonna get connected and then i'm gonna fucking train them broads up
in the basement okay you are very disrespectful goodbye goodbye goodbye hill goodbye wow you're
very disrespectful um looking in the chat good call i'm looking in the chat room ego trips has
is an ego trip he's got and i want my first thing dude when i get uh when i get a house when i
actually hopefully the next year i'm gonna leave my apartment yeah my wife and we're gonna get a
house here um dude i'm gonna get a main cabinet that's gonna be like on top of my list i don't
want it i would have gotten it by now probably but i'm an apartment i know i'm gonna either move
or go into a house at some point and i'm on a second floor it's gonna be a bitch to get that
downstairs but dude i want to get a main cabin and put that in the basement it's gonna be so
fucking sweet because you can you can even put super nintendo games on it but just to be able
to play all those classic arcade games i don't know if you have like have the yeah the one with
like have a track ball and a fucking everything on it so you can play every game yeah and then
i was thinking like could you get the the light gun well like operation wolf you're in some of
the other games. Oh, that was awesome.
Yeah. That gun.
That one Terminator 2 game.
Yes. The guns.
Yeah, that's true.
Anyone could beat that game if you had enough
quarters. You could just keep pumping
quarters, but you would spend like $100
if you...
The only time I ever beat
Smash TV was I found a broken
one, and when you hit it hard enough,
it'd go bingo, and you'd get another
life. And so, I
was punching the shit out of the changer
returned, and I was like, I fucking beat
the goddamn thing. Nice, by beating it.
Literally, yeah. Yeah, I beat it.
It was literally... Smash TV.
Smash TV was
so awesome. Yeah, but dude, you know, to be
able to, at my house, play the Arcade Invasion, like
Arcade Invasion of the Simpsons
arcade game would be fucking awesome, you know? Yeah, that game
was awesome. Dude, that would be awesome.
And, like, the Turtles, the
first Turtles arcade game. Yeah, Turtles, yeah, yeah.
The four player game. Yeah, that's, there was
the X-Men one, right? That was pretty good.
i remember oh there's so many like mid-90s simpson is the one i've recently played the
simpson one on maim yeah and beat it yeah i've got maim here on my laptop i play all the time
with a usb controller but yeah to have a cabin it's going to be dope and that and a pool table
never going to have a nice checked out basement yeah and then i have my little madhouse studio
in the corner and probably like soundproofing area for it and all it's gonna be real dope
Nope. But hey, I gotta find
the house first, you know.
Now's the time to die.
First I need a house.
Yeah, first.
Then I'll have the best fucking
man cave ever. Alright.
Here's Children's Magic by
Ryan.
Oh no, by Pairi. What the hell
kind of name is that? It sounds like
fucking something.
Children's Magic? I don't know. You think it's a
clown? Let me see. Let me look at the site.
It's for parties.
yeah it is it's a fucking magician and he looks like fucking you know who he looks like you
remember uh uh x-pac from uh the wwf back in the day he looks like that guy in a suit and bow tie
hang on let me send you a i'll post a link in the skype chat for you to see
okay you see this guy i don't know he's not american whatever his name was like unpronounceable
Yeah, it's like Paiari.
It's like Indian.
Paiari.
It's a medium.
He's a magician who entertains children and families in the area.
Most of his shows are performed at birthday parties.
He does.
He looks so great.
He's actually pulling a rabbit out of the ass.
Yeah, he literally is pulling a rabbit out of the fucking ass.
Photos?
I gotta look at photos.
With live rabbits and doves.
All right.
A rabbit that just appeared.
A magical dove.
Or miscellaneous.
Yes, strange wands in Vance.
Yeah, all right.
Hey, everybody, listen to us on the fucking Peruse websites.
All right, here it is.
I think there was one arcade.
Yeah, is that the magic, the magician homo?
This is the number for magic.
Yeah, it's like an effeminate magician man.
You can beat the wrong?
Yes.
So how talented is he?
What is he doing?
He's pretty good.
He only works with rabbits and doves.
Can he do...
Oh, no.
He does all kinds of stuff.
Can he do chickens?
Hey, buddy.
Can you make the car disappear?
Huh?
Yeah, I want you to come down and use your evil magic to make the car disappear.
Okay.
Can you hold on a second?
Okay.
Can I help you?
Yeah, listen.
There's this car that's been parked in my driveway for a while now.
i've been separated from my wife okay yeah so i've been living in a hotel and i've been going by
every morning and there's this strange car in the driveway of the house and i think it's like
another man and it's there right now so i wanted you to come down and and we'll cover up the car
like in a in a big tarp or something and you can use your evil devil magic to make it disappear
it here and replace it with a chicken
you know
right and then we'll fuck the
chicken you know
and we'll say we're fucking the chicken for the
fucking devil
alright we're fucking the chicken for the devil
that's the first time he's said that
oddly enough
it isn't
that was stupid but at least he got a laugh
out of it
he was all about it
I posted a nice picture
in the chat for people
people to see of him holding his severed
arm. Severed
arm? What, it's like a little half picture?
Yeah. Alright, I'm looking
at the link. I just want to see how it looks like.
Severed arm.
He looks like... Oh, that's
him? Oh, wow. He looks like
the fuck is with him? He looks like fucking
Kevin Spacey in
this picture. In Seven.
Yeah. He kind of like,
yeah. It's like, open the box
fucker. Yeah, open the box.
What's in the box?
All right, I'll call him back and ask him what's in the box, and we'll leave him alone.
Why not?
What's in the box?
If I was on his performances and he was doing a trick with a box, I would scream that.
What's in the box?
It'd be rage.
He looks fucking weird.
It's rages in the box.
It looks like he's holding a customized flashlight.
Wow, yeah.
Hello, we are not available now.
Please leave your name and phone.
They don't want to answer anymore.
All right.
I want to know what's in the box.
What's in the box?
Seven's a pretty awesome movie.
Yeah.
Yeah, I couldn't remember.
The first guy got fed all the lasagna or something?
Yeah, he fed them to death and popped a sloth.
Yeah, a sloth.
A big sloth.
Yeah.
The guy in our chat room.
You think that's what he got that name from?
I bet you that is.
That guy is sick.
Anyway, Family Dollar.
It's called the Dollar Store.
All these southern towns
Well, all these small towns I keep calling
They have Family Dollars all over the place
It's a great place
I wonder if I can get a customized flashlight
That looks like a man's hand
A separate arm
It's like you're fucking the bone hole
I'll see
I want to see if they have that
Because they have Halloween stuff now, don't they?
Family Dollar, how may I help you?
How you doing, dear?
Do you guys have Halloween stuff yet?
Yes
Do you? Okay, I'm looking for, like, a severed arm, it sounds like.
I want to use it as my fleshlight and either wrap the hand around my cock.
I have not seen that yet. That's not to say we won't get it.
We haven't gotten, we've gotten most of the candy so far.
Okay, I want candy. Bubblegum and Tiffy.
Get to the sweet shop.
You'd have to come check. I'm not sure they're still putting it out.
Do you have candy gummy pussies?
I don't know.
All right.
You'd have to come look.
All right, I'll go look, see if you have candy gum.
Okay, thank you.
I'm going to write that down.
Candy gummy pussies.
All right, it's on my list.
Candy gummy cookies?
Pussies, like vaginas made out of gummy candy.
Oh, oh, I don't think so.
Oh, they feel great.
Pussy lips.
Yeah, they feel so good, you know, and they start, like, they conform to your part private.
Why don't you come check things out?
Thank you.
All right.
Oh, yeah.
Secret code for lift up her skirt and look.
Let you come check things out.
She pulled the end of her skirt to the side a little bit while she said that to me.
Right here.
She's always on webcam pointed at her fucking coochie all day.
She twisted her long hair.
And her lobs in a nut.
She made a noose out of them.
Candy gummy pussies.
She's like, oh, yeah, yeah, come check it out.
Maybe we do.
Maybe we do.
All right.
You want to call a Subway restaurant?
That's always fun.
Sure.
All right.
I hate Subway. I'd have to stand there
and watch people do shit. I just want to say
number two and leave. Subway was
good, like, in the early 90s.
That was the last time that place was really
good. All I've ever had there
is a meatball sub. That's all
I think of ever is Subway.
When they first came around where I lived,
they were really good. The mid-90s
or mid to late 90s,
they fell off.
Hey, do you guys do custom fillings
at all if I bring in some stuff?
I wanted to bring in some stuff to have you guys put on the sandwich.
I'll give you a little extra money.
Yeah, I've got some green butter I want you to put on it before you warm it up.
Let me ask her that.
Yeah, because you've got to put it on before you.
Can he put stuff on the sandwich before he makes it?
Green butter.
Tell him green butter.
Tell him it's canna butter.
Tell him.
Yeah.
It's canna butter.
Canna butter.
That's what that is.
Yeah, cool.
Yeah, just, you know, don't, if anyone asks, like, what is that?
Just say it's regular butter, you know.
Just that we can't share with anybody, and it's for me to keep whatever's left.
It's really expensive butter.
But you've got to put it on the bread before you toast it or put toppings on it
so you get the full effect from the cannabis, the THC oil inside the butter.
Because it gets you real fucked up.
It's weed fucking.
Yeah, listen, it's canna butter.
You know, Buddha butter, green butter.
I make it.
Yeah, because you have to put it on the bread before you add the toppings
so you get as high as possible.
Okay, I guess you could bring it in.
Yeah, I made it.
You know, I just drop a few bites.
And once it's not too much messy or anything like that, we'll be able to do it.
Totally.
Hey, you guys want to break off some for yourselves.
That's cool, too, you know?
Sounds good.
Yeah, all right.
All right, we'll have a nice party.
Okay, thanks, man.
All right, cool.
Bye.
All right.
They're pretty fucking cool.
whatever whatever let's all get high let's all get i've worked in a sandwich place for a minimum
wage what do i give a shit yeah he's like hell yeah you know we're all gonna be
that's so awesome you know everyone's just hanging out
you come in with a jar of fucking wheat butter
we all share some of it you know and then they close they lock the doors and
you know get a strobe light going
and we're all dancing
and pussy lips come out
everybody's happy
we just imagined
some Jimi Hendrix
fucking playing in the background
and they got
medical weed becomes legal here
in June
sweet where's here
oh Illinois I didn't know that
very nice very good
good for you
it was Ram Emanuel in favor of that
did he have any beef i don't know i don't know yeah wow oh is he your mayor like are you literally
yeah i'm like fucking right right across where the union hall where the baby things go down in
the untouchables ah those big steps like that's step that's right across the street from me okay
okay cool like the sears tower is like a couple blocks away whatever they call it now the willis
tower. Yeah, that's a stupid
Sears tower. Still the Sears tower.
Alright, look. Here's
axle and spindle truck repair.
This will probably be the
last call, because I'm pooped.
You know, I'm done. I'm running out of
ideas here. Well, you
make it good then, buddy.
Jane, where's this cold milkman about the weed butter?
You got a point. You tell us all about it.
You explain it.
It's all there. Here you are. Thank you for calling.
Yes, hey, I wanted to see if you guys
if anybody there wanted
Wanted a sandwich from the Exxon station.
Oh, let me out.
Hold on a minute.
It's a free sandwich.
And hey, listen, before you go, are you there?
Yes.
Tell them it has canna butter in it.
Who's there?
Canna butter.
Oh, this is Eddie.
I'm at the Exxon station.
I made some weed butter and put it on our sandwiches, you know, but we made too many.
We can't sell them because, you know, some kid gets in and gets really high.
It would be bad, you know.
So see if anyone wants a sandwich, you know, one of these marijuana butter sandwiches, you know.
All right, yeah.
How many do you need?
Just make a bunch.
We'll go pick them up.
All right, you're going to eat them together?
Like you guys want to hang out and eat them together?
I don't know.
We'll find out.
We'll close the doors, put the clothes sign on.
We'll put on a little Jimi Hendrix on the radio, you know?
Okay.
Or we can play Magic Carpet Ride.
That's a good song when you're getting high at work, you know?
We'll dance around, you know?
Are you wearing a T-shirt or what do you got on today?
I don't know.
You sound like you have a lot of experience.
Yeah, you can pull up your polo shirt, you know, and show just your bra, you know.
All the women just show in their bras, and all the men take their shirts off.
All right, cool.
And we'll listen to Magic Carpet Ride.
Hey, how are you guys?
Penis, vagina, penis, ejaculation.
Pussy lips.
Pussy lips.
Big black pussy lips.
With crust, the crust in the cunt, and it comes apart.
And the blood and the wetness comes out when you can turn it on.
Hey, I want to talk to Axel about repairing my truck.
Is Axel there?
Is Duff there?
Hello?
Here are the members of GNR.
We want to talk to them about fixing the truck.
Do you have long pubes?
Do you ever, like, do you make a bow out of them above your big pussy lips?
Oh, shit.
Finally, she left.
All right, man, I'm done.
That was fun.
This is a great Magic Carpet Ride show.
All right, thanks for being on, Matt.
Yeah, thanks, buddy.
It was fun.
And bye, everybody else.
Yeah, you don't know what you will find when you're in the Madhouse Carpet Machine.
Yeah, bye.
I'm going to be down at that store.
I don't know who you're talking to.
You dope-ass motherfucker.
Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.
Shit on you.
you visitors at madhouse live.com and they call them muppets which is a british term that means
ignorant person

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