Do Not Cross Any Wires!

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Do not cross any wire.

I ask you to consider if this is a firm,

and if the Board of Regents are the Board of Directors,

and if President Kerr, in fact, is the manager,

then I tell you something, the faculty are a bunch of employees,

and we're the raw material.

But we're a bunch of raw material that don't mean to have any process upon us,

don't mean to be made into any product,

don't mean, don't mean to end up being bought by some clients of the university,

be they the government, be they industry, be they organized labor, be they anyone.

Well, you would be!

When the operation of the machine becomes so odious,

makes you so sick at heart that you can't take part,

you can't even passively take part,

and you've got to put your bodies upon the gears and upon the wheels,

upon the levers, upon all the apparatus, and you've got to make it stop,

up, and you've got to indicate to the people who run it, to the people who own it, that

unless you're free, the machine won't be prevented from working at all.

98.6, move.

All right there, everybody, it's Carlito, yeah, and Matt, yay, hey Matt, yeah, Matt's

here, yay, motherfucker Matt, yay, I don't know what's wrong with the guy, come on Matt,

Well, I'm here.

Matt will be joining us shortly, hopefully.

I'm Carlito, the man behind the microphone, the man machine.

I don't have any numbers.

I'm ill-prepared for today's show.

Hi, I put in my other headset.

Hey, buddy, how are you?

I had the fancy one going, and I don't know what the fuck.

I don't have any headset.

Don't go fancy.

Don't be fancy.

Use your iPod earbuds, man.

Yeah.

Hey, you sound good now, motherfucker.

Yeah.

I don't know what's going on.

USB holes are loose.

Your USB holes.

Yeah.

You know, the connector's going to fall.

Like, big crust.

Matt, I hope you're having a great week so far.

I am.

I hope if you have a printer that the paper isn't jamming up a lot.

Shit.

Print is.

Yeah, print is dead to me, too.

Go in the cyber world.

printing is uh it's there with uh chris farley and who's the guy that blew his brains out in

seattle but wire no no that that was a guy in pennsylvania you know you know i've been in that

room where that happened that's awesome yeah and actually there's there's still um there's still

what marks on the wall it's it's it's the treasurer's office in pennsylvania i was there

Did you hold a big envelope and be like, don't come near me, this will hurt somebody?

No, no, no.

No, yeah, this will hurt somebody.

No, but seriously, I did a brief one-week contracting job, and I was at the Treasury building.

And the guy I was working with, he was like, yeah, man, you're going to be going into the Treasurer's office.

That's where Bud Dwyer shot himself.

Like, you mean that guy on Faces of Death that held the envelope?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, and he's like...

Actually, I think it was Tracy's death.

Yeah.

That was all bullshit.

Well, whatever it was.

I was like, you mean the guy in those VHS tapes I watched back in the 80s?

And he's like, yeah, yeah, you saw that?

I was like, oh, man, that haunted me for like a whole fucking week when I saw that when I was a kid.

He's like, yeah, man, it happened there, and he showed me.

He's like, you see that mark up there?

Like, they thought about covering it up, and someone said, no, you can't do it.

Respect it.

You know, that guy was innocent, I guess.

And then I looked into it.

The guy was fucking...

He got railed by...

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, by the opposing party and shit.

And he's like, that's his only way out.

Fuck it.

You know, my wife's going to get money.

Yeah, exactly.

That's what it was.

If he killed himself, he could have gotten more money for his wife and his kid.

So that's why he killed himself before they took him in.

If you think about it, they put him in that situation.

Yeah, but he pulls up the envelope.

Oh, man.

That's the best.

He's like, this will hurt somebody.

You kind of feel bad for the dude.

He's like, he makes a statement.

I feel terrible.

yeah but uh it's it's neat it's a neat watch yeah dude the way the blood comes out like a

fountain like a waterfall coming out of his head that's allegedly what the song hey man nice shot

was written about oh yeah i think yeah i think there's another song out there that uses the

audio from that i don't know if it's that one or not i just know there's a a few songs that have

have had audio from that or have been based on the the riddle of bud dwyer okay um moving right

along now that we've talked about enough suicide yeah anyway um i gotta look up numbers i don't

know pick a town on the east coast there matt that we haven't done something really rednecky

something we're like people got five you know like uh five toes all again what's there's like

Like, South Carolina.

How's that?

Somewhere where I...

Let's see.

Let's look up a medium-sized city.

For some reason, where's...

Is that like an Alabama or something?

I have no idea.

No worries.

I don't know why I got it.

I know Vallejo from the fucking Zodiac Killer shit.

All right.

This isn't Georgia, this town of Vienna.

You hear it.

It sounds like the lynch people there still.

So let's look at that here.

Centering in on the downtown area.

yeah here's a muslim cultural center all right get a call let's let's make reps yeah yeah don't

no terrorist thing no you know blowing stuff up all right i know dude i know the rules all right

i know you know i'm just saying for everyone else who thinks this is a funny idea you funny little

jokers get your fucking clever out there yeah you turn your video off i had your video on the feed

with me a little here i'll turn on there we go man hey like my shirt the party you are trying

to reach is not available to take the message after the tone right press the pound key to end

recording hey boys how are you come back thank you um the way i got the way i got this set up i

can't really cancel the video fast okay here we go ah shit maybe i shouldn't put man on the video

because i'm no good at coordinating that right i gotta switch around back and forth and all this

shit to get that to work right hey there sorry about that yeah well moving right along let's uh

i like that like the party yeah the party i remember going trying to go to a rave and

asking some little pepsi gangbangers where it was no like man that's a fucking candy

It's a candy wrapper party.

We ain't going to that bullshit.

Candy wrapper party.

Yeah.

Somehow it makes sense, though, doesn't it?

Yeah, I guess so.

Yeah.

Have you ever been on a Greyhound bus?

I imagine that's a very bad experience.

I've taken a Megabus.

Oh, yeah, I took a Greyhound when I ran away.

I went all the way to Texas on it.

Whoa, badass.

Yeah, with a gun and a fucking bag of Xanax.

With a gun?

Yeah, I know.

How old were you?

Were you like a teenager?

Yeah, like 16, 17.

Oh, my God.

Hi, hon.

Can I help you?

Hey, listen.

I was wondering, is there a rule about the way you have to sit down in the bus machine?

What do you mean the way you have to sit down?

Because I like to smell the seats and all that.

I want them to be clean, so I check them out.

They got cloth seats on those buses, right?

right uh they don't tell us what kind of seats we get in here what kind of buses um the only thing i

can refer you to is the 800 number if you have questions regarding that now what about there

the bus stop what kind of seats do you have for the cloth seats it all depends on what bus we get

in here no i mean in the waiting area god in the waiting area they're metal they're metal that's

correct no cloth just metal okay and do they get wiped down or no yes all right so can i like put

I like to buy, you know those Oreo cookies and stuff?

I like to put them on the metal seat and then break them and then eat them like that.

I break them on the seat and I eat them off of the seat, you know?

No, we don't do that here.

No, I want to do that.

No.

If no one's looking, you know?

No, sir.

I mean, I know it's weird, but it's just the way I like to eat.

I like to eat the...

Like I said, I could refer you to the 800 number.

We don't do stuff like that here.

But the other thing, I can't afford Oreos, so I get the sandwich cookies, the vanilla ones.

The vanilla ones are better than the Oreos anyway.

We don't do that here, sir.

If you have any other questions other than bus schedules, I need to refer you to the 800 number.

Well, fucking Oreo.

All right.

How's the fucking Oreo?

Oh, man, I so wanted to talk to her and be like, I'm calling you for help, lady.

Stop the fucking, I just wanted to butt in, but I'm like, he's got it under control.

you ask her about their vending machine see if they got sandwich cookies okay i'm mr birds i

believe you have some mail for me hello great mr birds what's your first name i don't know

they ain't gonna answer this time jesus christ did we break her pussy

that's all you have to say they ain't we are calling georgia all right again yeah maybe if

i'm persistent now there's got to be a town in alabama we can do we haven't done alabama

in the day oh jesse's you think that's girl that sounds like an awesome place

and then it's not a girl jesse oh is she sexy i don't know i don't i'm just guessing it's

Maybe that'd be funny if they say, it's a dude.

The Dixon dudes.

Jesse's a dude.

What's up?

All right.

Here we go.

Yeah, Jesse the body Ventura.

Jesse the body.

And that's the last one, Mr. Ventura.

Jesse.

Hey.

Is Mr. Ventura there?

Who?

The body.

He goes by the name The Body.

Well, I think you have the wrong number.

No.

Jesse the body Ventura.

come on sugar tits come on damn sugar tits what was it she's like no no we do not

no that's the way she said did you sound like my mom my mom that was my mom if she was still

alive and working there she's like no we need more lemon yeah one time i called my mom and i

said we need more lemon pledge just like that and she got real mad she's like you're making fun of

me yes hi um oh jesse's yeah is that girl jesse or boy jesse i just gotta write it down in my

report there's no jesse oh no no wow so how did jesse come are you the owner is this establishment

why do you need to know that i just gotta know how i should dress if i should work i need to

know how i should dress you know if i need kevlar or if it's safe to have a regular t-shirt well

Well, why does it matter if you're an establishment or not?

Well, I just got to know how to dress appropriately, you know?

More urban, you know?

More kind of, I can't wear blue or red, you know?

I should wear bulletproof something underneath, you know?

And look around, watch.

I got to know when I come in, if I have to put my wallet in my front pocket

or if I can leave it in my back pocket, you know?

You know?

You do.

Some places you go.

Oh, dude, I was fucking busting up laughing.

and some places you shouldn't my cross color it's a fucking suit my car my giant carl canine jeans

god damn racist i'm guessing it is a negro black

all right just around the corner is steel magnolia's restaurant we can ask him if they

they have any whales i suppose okay i don't know why was that the no that wasn't a movie about the

whales what was that stupid movie where the old people were watching whales all the time that

wasn't steel magnolias was it i don't know i'll ask whales i'm scared of whales i can go up on

the tangent i'd fuck a whale i probably would a little one yeah the big ones terrify me yeah

killer whales man they're called killer i know it's right in the name chamomile my why do you

want to swim with that thing yeah you see where they do the seals they'll do that thank you for

calling steel magnolias this is kira how can i help you how you doing sweetheart do y'all have

whale meat do we have what whale meat no whale meat i'm sorry god damn it do you got a place

you know place around here they got it no sir i've been watching that free willy and i keep

watching it i'm like god damn i want to eat that fucking thing or fuck it's blowhole one or the

the other you know either one you know eat it fuck it fuck it then you use why not

we don't have any whale meat oh if you fuck its blowhole probably would die

so you would fuck it first right and then after you kill it you might as well eat it

i think it can probably breathe through its mouth too no i don't think so no i don't think

the mouth is connected at all to the lungs those motherfuckers i would think it would be still i

don't know if anybody is out there is a whale doctor call it a whale doctor dr whale md that'd

be the scariest doctor ever dr whale yeah this is dr whale whale and the fucking doctor thing

with the mirror thing above its eye and lab coat.

He even cheeves.

Yeah, a monocle.

Here's King's Grill, home of the fried chicken home cooking.

That's what it says.

Exactly.

Home of the fried chicken home cooking.

King's Grill.

Yeah, let me ask him.

I got some questions about the king.

You don't have the number of that Indian, that guy.

oh that you guys did no no king's grill hey how you doing i'm good good so why who's king

who is this oh this is eddie i was looking for king there is no king no so do you guys just

came up with the name pretty much is can't you know who the king is the king of kings right

the king of kings is mashiach you know the messiah mashiach oh okay yeah and can i help you

If he was here, I'd kick his fucking ass, Jesus, I would.

I'd throw him back on a cross.

I'd kick his ass and I'd put him on a cross.

Like, you motherfucker, you.

Okay, I'm going to ask you one more time.

Do you need something?

Yes, I'm going to telepathically give you what I need right now.

Okay?

Do you think you're funny?

No.

Because you're not.

I'm not trying to be funny, stupid woman.

Okay.

Would you say a phone loser, please?

She said loser

L7 loser

I definitely think he's funny

Sugar tits

Did I just say I'm going to kick Jesus' ass

I'm going to kick Jesus' ass

I'm going to kick his ass

I think he's funny sugar tits

It gets hard

Whenever it gets hard it pops out of my ass

Alright she's not responding

Rub it all over

what's uh there's a place here it's a guy it's a gentleman's name uh comma pc that is not that's

not a doctor pc oh it's a law a lot well it says it's a law office but it says pc sounds like a

nest of jews yeah all right let me a nest of jews okay i got an idea to ask i got i got something

that i can ask this cat or is woman that answers the phone good morning what office how can i help

you today hello woman that answers the phone how are you hi awesome how are you oh that's great

listen uh pc right yes does that pc stand for penis envy you get it because pc penis envy you

know that's pretty funny yeah because p and oh wait oh i totally misread that oh yes i would

would like to see about getting some representation okay okay i don't i don't talk to women women

though is there a jew man that i can talk to you don't talk to women at all no no women really mess

up business things they write down the phone number wrong they mess up faxes they fax it

upside down how you're supposed to read something upside down when you fax it upside down right

i don't think i've ever faxed anything upside down yeah but the other day i got a fax from

this woman and it was upside down like i pulled it out of the fax machine and all the letters were

upside down that is the craziest thing i've ever heard in my life stupid right so i had to throw

it away and i had to ask her to fax it right side up that's ridiculous and she kept saying i put it

in right side up and i said you stupid woman you have to put it upside down in the machine

and it reads it and that's how it comes out the other way right side up women don't understand

these things it men make machines and build things and fix things you know and run countries

they're senators true yeah so you want to go to chipotle i'm good thank you though get your

burrito bowl you sound like you're a little getting a little fat you know hey can you stand

the line i'm gonna call someone else and you don't hang up you stay okay real quick it'll be

really fast were you busy what are you doing filing your i am actually pretty busy you're

Are you filing your fingernails?

Are your fingernails drying and you can't talk right now?

Is that what's wrong, honey baby?

I'm sorry, are you looking for someone else?

Yeah, yeah.

Who are you looking for?

I'm a friend of Mr.

I'm a good friend of his.

You're his what?

I'm a good friend of his.

We went to the same college.

I'm calling him.

I'm calling him on the other line because you're taking too long.

Hey, class.

Yeah, listen.

I got this stupid woman on the phone here.

She doesn't know how to use the computer or the fax machine.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, and why?

Why did you sell us this fax machine

and everything that it scoops through

comes through Upside Down?

I thought the right woman.

I just started here yesterday.

All right, well, you're fired.

Okay.

All right, go pack your stuff up

and get the fuck out of my office.

You have a great day, sir.

Bye, woman.

A-plus.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're fired.

What was your name?

Okay.

Oh, my God.

That was fucking great.

I'm crying.

She's like, what?

Upside Down.

Yeah, listen, I figured out how to fix the fax problem.

If you flip the paper to the back side, flip it upside down, then flip it over again, you can see it.

Fucking shit, man.

I don't think they sell fax machines at a computer store.

I should have said I had a fax software.

How about the state?

You want to talk to the state court judge?

I don't think we should do that.

Sure, sure.

I'd love to talk to a judge

Here's a different elevator company

Like last week

I asked for Geordie LaForge

Are you going to do the sound effect?

Yeah, that's in the elevator

I'm not going to call her yet

That was fucking awesome

And I'm on the elevator shaft

Trying to climb out

I see this in the movies all the time

I was like, sir, would you please get back in the elevator?

I don't think you should be doing that.

All right.

Who's this again?

Here's a company.

This place is called 109 Central, yo.

Okay, 109 Central.

Women's clothing.

The women, my stupid pickup.

Thanks for calling 109 Central.

We're not able to reach you at the time right now, but if you leave your name and number,

we'll call you soon as possible.

Fucking stupid.

Fuck that place.

They're too busy drying their nails.

All right.

Instead, what do I ask?

I had a Lane Bryant, which is the store for the big girls.

The big girls.

Yeah.

Go shut up.

I just lost it, son of a bitch.

Damn it.

Hang on.

Let me research it here.

I just saw it.

I know what Lane Bryant is.

I'm going to just call her a big girl from the beginning just to be an asshole.

What's up, big girl?

Big girl.

How you doing?

Big girl.

Just presuming, you know?

You know who I figure gets hit on a lot?

you probably never experienced this experiences but i go to the big and tall men's clothing store

all the time and whenever there's a woman working there everyone's so all the customers are like oh

hello i like it's always black men like yeah and so ladies that work in fat men's shops get

in theory you're thinking you're thinking the only woman i see working those you never seen

a hot woman working at the big and tall it's always big white ladies big white girl yeah

Yeah.

Come to think of it, I've never seen a man work in those stores either.

Last time I was in, like, a big and tall fat man shop was in high school

when I was buying, like, a triple X flannel shirt to try to look like Cypress Hill.

Like Cypress Hill?

Like B-Roll?

Yeah.

Like the Cholo look?

Yeah.

Well, like the big, like, jacket-y one with pockets and shit.

Yeah.

There you go.

I can dig that.

Yes, sir.

That's my normal wardrobe.

Shit.

No.

You know what?

It's that far from my...

If I had it, I'd still wear that goddamn...

That cholo look looks comfortable, man.

Big, you know, flannel fucking thing

with the button on the top only.

Yeah.

Or a zoot suit.

That looks like a comfortable...

At no additional charge,

AT&T can help you find a similar business

in the same area

since the number you have called is not in service.

Yeah, you should have just said that at the get-go.

say this thing doesn't work stupid god at&t trying to make a dime off of me anyway dude

all these lane bryants are closed maybe the women are losing weight there was a there was a big

shooting at the lane bryant and here in illinois yeah guy fucking killed a bunch of the broads

working there that's horrible yeah it was it was like right by my uh trailer when i lived

how far away are you from where that uh shit went down didn't some a bunch of kids get shot in a

park over there in chicago i don't know i would say like 10 minutes away right or something because

i live like downtown wow man that's fucked up i saw that and i got so angry i started drinking

and drinking russian brats trying to call me no sorry sweetheart no additional charge at&t can

and help you find it. There's a different one that's out of business.

Holy shit!

Right. God damn.

Should be open. I don't understand.

Anyway, moving

Let me, uh, I'll try one more.

Let me call another place that's

closed. Yeah, let me

find another one that's not open.

And this came out completely wrong

here. Come on!

Come on. Jesus fucking

Christ. Sit down.

Come on. Read it.

Dude, I so dug the fucking stupid alien thing you sent me.

Oh, I told you about the pack lids.

You've got to watch the rest of that episode.

You've got Netflix.

I don't know if you do.

It's on there.

I know, but I could pirate it somewhere.

Yeah, find that episode and watch it because the whole episode,

they're exactly how I explained.

They just shoot Geordi for no reason.

Like, oh, you're going to stay.

Look at my robot head.

We're sorry.

Sorry, the number you have dialed is 40...

Okay, that's...

The killer robot head.

Yeah, yeah.

Wow.

I make things.

What do you got in the back?

What is that?

This is my mom's rum boogie cafe art she bought.

Okay, kick ass.

Yeah.

All right.

She doesn't drink a lot of rum, though.

No?

No, that sucks.

Sorry, man.

Let's call casual male Excel.

It's a bagel.

Casual male, big and tall, casual face.

They used to have some kind of commercial that sung some shit like that.

Yeah, they don't say big and tall anymore.

Now it's casual male.

It's just casual male.

Yeah, just casual male.

What's the name of the store in, I don't know if you ever saw Mallrats?

Yeah.

What was the men's store that Ben Affleck worked at?

Yeah, it was the douchebag store.

It was like Fashionable Male or something like that.

I don't know.

Fashionable Male.

Are you going to sing the song to them?

Casual male, big and tall.

That used to be on the radio back in the day.

Hey, I was wondering, is there that lady that works there?

She's really nice to me.

I wanted to talk to her.

That one lady.

Yeah, that's her.

That's her, yeah.

What was her name?

Hey.

Yeah, Big Sharon, right?

The big girl?

No, she's not big.

She's kind of big, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah, to me, she's big, but I was in there buying some stuff,

and she was helping me put on the belt and everything.

Okay.

I think there was a moment there.

Why are you jealous?

Are you trying to get with her?

Oh.

All right, so what's the problem?

Why are you being so stuck up?

Maybe you're trying to get with her, and you're trying to block me.

Oh, you like boys.

Do you like boys?

Very much.

How can I help you?

Oh, I'll put Matt on the line.

He's into that thing.

Matt, Matt, Matt doesn't want to talk to you because you're a boy, I guess.

No, unless she's there, when is she coming in again?

When can I talk to her?

uh sunday all right then get a hold of her on sunday okay all right and that's the only day

she's in yes when i was i was in on sunday you know all right i'll go back in there sunday maybe

i'll get her some food you know maybe i'll get her a salad she needs she needs to lose a little

weight i'll get her a salad you know she loves flowers she's got she did what she loves she

loves flowers flowers okay i was gonna get her like a burrito bowl from chipotle with the lettuce

and all that hey my buddy matt shut up for a minute mr gay my buddy matt's off the phone

finally here he is he's gonna talk to you i got a lot of shit i gotta do matt casual male big and

tall casual male we spread our big pussy lips hey how are you um how could i help you oh you can

Give me the fucking big girl's fucking number.

That was the public storage place calling me.

Like, your shit's up for auction.

Oh, shit.

They're going to put you on the show.

Auction Wars or whatever.

Yeah, they'll be selling my shit.

I'm like, I was like, I'm waiting on a big disability check.

If I get it in time, I'll keep my stuff.

But if not, y'all got to do what you got to do.

you got anything good in there you got any magic cards what's in there i know but i got a lot of

toys and shit nice if y'all want to contribute send me money i need like 500 some bucks to keep

all my stuff is your shit locked up now you can't get it out now you're no no you can't access it

down no well here's a different casual mail i got an idea here casual mail i've never heard that

before but it's in my head i never heard that before but it's in my head sounds like a happening

thank you for calling casual now britney speaking how may i help you all right britney how you

doing i'm well how are you just eating a little bit here i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm gonna have

something to eat yeah well you guys got three x dress shirts yes we do i'm on my lunch break

I just made a big mess of myself.

Sometimes I got a pork rib sandwich, you know.

And the pork rib sandwich, it got sauce all over the place.

I was wiping my hands off.

I remember I got to meet with a client today.

So you can probably, like I did, it's fast, you know.

I can understand you, but we're open from 10 a.m. to 7 p.m.

That's not what I'm asking.

When I'm saying this, I got it.

I can understand you because you have a mouthful of food.

I'm sorry.

Hang on.

Okay.

What I'm trying to say is I only have like 10 minutes left on my lunch break.

I got to meet with these clients.

And then I was on the website, Casual Mail,

and all these people had these testimonies about how you guys were so good

and saved the day.

You know the one lady whose son was getting married before he went?

He was going to be having lap band surgery, and they thought he might die.

so he got married in the last minute and you guys got him a 6x t-shirt yeah yeah so what i need right

now is if you can get me a really quick i'm just gonna take it off rack a 3x dress shirt long

sleeve most dress shirts go by neck size but you know your neck size and your arm sleeve

oh look now i'm gonna show you right here see i'm sorry i'm trying to finish the sandwich before i

come in it's about four or five you know four or five yeah if you can have it ready i'm just

gonna come in and give you the cash and i'm gonna try it i'm gonna change shirts right there at the

counter you know that's not a big deal right guys can take their shirts off yeah i don't have time

to go back to the fucking fitting room you know i gotta meet with a fucking client when you come in

all right and i'm gonna take my shirt off right there is there any customers there right now

I almost choked on it twice.

What were you eating?

I got like a biscuit here.

Why wouldn't you just have a random biscuit sitting there?

I saved it from breakfast just for the show.

I was like, I'm going to do a fat man prank holiday.

You should do a review.

Call McDonald's and play the tape.

I should just play that in casual now.

The big guy doing the fucking...

Yeah, you should.

It's so make sense.

I like how that's fair game when you call Casual Mel if you work there.

You're like, yeah, some fat guy called me today eating food really loud on the phone.

Just another day in the office for her.

I'm trying to find that commercial on YouTube.

Anyway, moving right along here.

Let me play a little music.

I haven't played any music.

I've just had no soundtrack to the show today.

Naked model gets huge heart on.

What?

Okay.

It says male gets heart on.

Oh, I like that.

I hear you.

I hear, and metal, in the chat room, I hear what you're talking about.

Neck girth also says Dark Stranger.

That's what I have.

Neck girth.

You got to pass some neck.

Girth a neck for you.

Oh, yeah.

What song?

It's called Keys by RJD2.

no cool all right let me uh move back to here get rid of all these lame brines none of them

that are open none of them that answered the phone all right here we go so we got a elevator place

last week i called up about the pound key asked for geordie laforge and crawled tried to crawl

out of the fucking thing with uh through the ceiling of the elevator we we've heard a lot

A lot of phones are ringing, and things are disconnected.

I'm already in the chat.

You're already in the chat.

I'm already in the chat.

If you know your party's three-digit extension, you may enter it now, or at any time during this meeting.

One moment, please.

It's okay.

Later.

Hey, listen.

First of all, I'm going to make a big complaint.

You want to make a complaint?

I had to dial you three times before I got through to anyone on my cell phone from this elevator, okay?

Okay, and what's...

Really bad reception. I'm not done talking.

Really bad reception in this elevator.

For that matter, any of your elevators that I've used.

Now, the elevator won't go.

It doesn't go up, it doesn't go down.

So I punched a hole up in the top of the elevator in the ceiling.

and right now i'm halfway out i'm like in the elevator shaft all right so there's a blue wire

and a white wire and the green wire i already cut okay all right so how do i do this do i cut

the blue wire and touch it to the green wire to start the mesh the machine or is it the white wire

touch it to the green wire how do i do that do you have the a man that might have that information

Yes, sir.

What I have to do is I have to get a technician on the phone.

There we go.

Do you have a way he can call you?

Do you have a cell phone with you?

The cell phone doesn't work half the shit, you know,

because your elevators are so poor that I can't get a cell phone signal inside them.

Okay.

You have the worst elevators here.

I'm going to tell you, it's really dirty up here in this shaft.

Yeah, I can see, like, bat feces everywhere.

Okay.

Okay, where are you located?

Where is it?

I'm in the elevator shaft, in the elevator machine.

Yes, sir, but what is the name of the building?

It's in the parking garage.

Parking garage?

Yeah, United Water Machines.

Do you know the address of where you're at?

United Water Elevator Machines.

I don't know the address.

No, I'm not a psychic or anything like that.

Okay.

Put a man on the phone.

Sir, I'm trying to get somebody to help you,

but you're going to have to be patient a minute.

You've got to hurry up.

Well, I'm trying.

It's taking too long.

Well, I'm so sorry.

To get what I need.

It takes way too long for you to do things because you're a woman, you know?

Did you put a man on the phone yet?

Are you in Melbourne?

Yeah.

Okay.

Hold on just a moment.

Hurry up.

Please.

It's Melbourne.

Elevator will not go.

Hello?

Yeah, the elevator will not go.

Hello?

Yeah, the elevator will not go.

The elevator will not go.

No.

No, I'm in the elevator shaft now.

I crawled out of the ceiling, and I'm trying to fix it,

so I took off this little panel over here, you know,

the one that's on here that says main machine control board.

Okay, hang on one second.

Hang on, I'm going to cross the two wires first to see.

Today, September 24th.

I got a YouTube ad, fucker.

Hello?

I'm not in the parking garage in Melbourne.

What is she talking about?

Okay, where are you located at?

I'm in the elevator.

Okay, which elevator?

I crawled off the top. I'm in the shaft now.

Okay, you don't need to touch anything in there.

Uh-oh.

Hang on. I'm gonna cross the two wires now.

Do not cross any wires.

Now why are they up here? This is for fixing.

Do I cross the green and white or yellow and white?

Hello?

Sir, I'm gonna transfer you someone to tell you exactly which ones that you can cross.

Finally.

Hello?

Yeah.

Hello?

Yeah, do I cross the green wire with the white one or with the blue one?

I'm sorry?

Do I cross the green wire with the white wire or the blue wire?

Hey, who am I talking to?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm in my, the elevator won't go, the one that I'm in, and I'm in the parking garage,

so I popped out the ceiling tile panels, okay?

And I'm, I'm out.

What building are you in?

I'm in the parking garage.

At FIP?

What?

Parking garage where? I can barely understand you.

Well, because first of all, your elevators are so faulty that you guys can barely get a cell phone signal in these things.

Now, I normally take the stairs.

I'm talking, asshole.

I normally take the stairs.

I'm a stairs man, not an elevator man.

I think elevators are for sissies and lazies and cripples like Matt.

And this stupid damn thing stopped moving halfway through.

So I broke the ceiling and I crawled out.

I'm on top of the elevator shaft now.

I'm in the elevator shaft.

On top of the elevator cab.

You understand?

And now I'm trying to...

Okay, you're on top of yourself.

Yeah, and then I busted this panel and I got a bunch of wires and I yanked them all out.

There were some sparks and it moved for a little bit.

But now I have to cross some of these wires to get it to go again.

So which ones?

I still have no idea where you're at.

I'm on top of the elevator, you stupid idiot.

I'm on top of the elevator.

So do I cross green wire with white wire?

Hello?

Listen.

Oh, he's gone.

Never mind.

I'm saying listen.

Oh, is he?

He got mad because I said stupid.

That one guy was like, don't cross any wires.

Thank you for calling.

He's genuinely concerned.

I'm going to call him again.

Thank you, auction.

One moment, please.

Trying to get a hold of that one guy here, because he was funny.

I'm dying laughing, dude.

You put me through that stupid, idiot, slow fucking person.

He doesn't know what's going on.

Who's the other guy I was talking to over there?

He's already left.

Well, he said for me to cross switch to the green and white, right?

I'm going to do that now.

You're going to cross the green and white wires?

Yeah.

You ready?

I'm not telling you anything.

I'm pretty sure they told you 12 times not to cross anything.

thing so it's moving it's going it's moving and it's going yeah i fixed it you fixed it great

i fixed it you're the you are the shit she said i'm the shit

i think she would have been on to it yeah something is jiving here

Fucking genius

You're the

Wow

Oh man

Wow

That was

It was funny

Okay man

It's gotta be

It's gotta be good

For the system

To laugh like this

Daily doesn't it

Yeah

It's gotta be good

For the people I call

I think

Because they're probably

At work like

Fuck it's only Tuesday

Yeah

Fucking

Still got three and a half

Four fucking days

Of this shit left

And here I come

Talking about

I'm crossing wires

you're giving something to talk about yeah there's a big hubbub oh my god you're sending

an email around right now do not trust anyone there's she's emailing right now she's over

there on the computer machine right now like oh my god she's faxing it out yeah

everyone do not take a call from this man who is saying he's in the elevator

shaft but they won't be able to read it's just faxed upside down

that was brad's fucking soundboard with the typing i imagine she was sitting there

typing away do not mess with this man

fire her off of the fucking roof too yeah here's church's chicken when i got a complaint last week

that we did not call churches and all these daytime shows i've been doing i have been calling

in that town and asking silly questions of the brothers that work there but last week i forgot

to do that so we'll make up for it now do they have watermelon for loco on tap that's what i'm

gonna ask come on damn you what a lazy fuck well it is noon hide the fucking phone all the black

teachers there right now getting some teachers that's my guess i don't know it's a good profession

if you're an african-american be a t-shirt right i'm not saying that the pecan gift shop it's one

of those i don't know if you ever been driving in the south on 95 and you see a sign for a place

like 50 miles away pecan shop yeah that's my guess that's what this is god you know it's like

black background with like neon orange right yeah i'm just gonna say it's like sign on the

the interstate. What all

kind of stuff you got? Peekins.

What are

peeking reekins out there?

Place of state business.

Peekins. Yeah, how you

doing? I'm driving on the

expressway and I saw a sign

for your place. Uh-huh. It kind of

sparked my interest. I

dialed it up on the internet

computer machines. Uh-huh.

What all do you got there?

Oh, we got all kinds of stuff.

They all have to do with them peekins

so right no yeah no yeah do you have any uh anal beads that you put up in there like a bunch of

pecans on a string to put up your butt oh no no no don't do that no i would you do it if i gave

you a little money a little money no no my girl live a little i'll let you take care of that

somewhere else oh all right well it's lovely talking to you i know somewhere else you put

put it in her pussy instead.

How about that?

Yeah, how about your pussy

after your anus so you'll get

a yeast infection? Would you like to buy

some pecans?

No, I'd like to put them in

your anus.

She sits somewhere else.

What's the worst

that can happen if they break off? You shit them out

later. They're not going to kill you.

It's pecans.

Pecans, I'm sorry.

Funny enough, yeah, she said, yeah, they are on the billboard on the highway.

That's funny.

She's like, uh-huh.

Dude, we got a brief fucking 50 miles.

Yeah, all right, here's a local newspaper.

I'm going to ask them if their newspaper comes two-ply so I can wipe my ass with it.

Don't know why that came to my head.

I just thought it'd be mean.

It's about all the newspaper's good for, you know.

Who reads a newspaper?

Thanks for calling for Daily Tom's.

You might please hold while I try that extension.

The times.

Good afternoon, Ms. Perry.

How can I help you?

Hey, big girl.

I was trying to see if your newspaper comes in a special edition at all.

Big girl.

Okay.

Get over that already.

It's just a thing I say.

It's out of Christian love.

Okay.

What do you mean special edition?

Big fat sweaty under the tits.

Like a two-ply version I'll wipe my asshole with.

Okay.

I'm going to let you go, okay?

Oh, don't let go.

Don't let me go.

Okay, thank you.

I want to know.

Let's make up a song.

She was like, really, big girl?

Big girl, really?

Oh, my God.

As if once ever, she said, you've never seen me.

I take great shots of my face.

And make sure not to show the rest of me.

I'm a hit on the internet.

That was good.

That made me laugh.

It made me laugh.

She reacted like a big girl would.

Yeah, exactly.

Let me ask, I forgot her name.

Let me ask the dollar store down the way, down the street from there,

if they know the big girl that works at the newspaper.

You know, she wears the pecan anal visa.

You know, she broke them off.

She ate them girls' anal visas.

Let me just tell her, get over it.

Having a great day at Family Dollar.

This is Marie.

How may I help you?

Hey, Big Marie.

How are you, big girl?

I'm doing good.

What up?

Oh, listen, do you have Pekins there?

Hold on, let me go check.

I'm going to have to feed them annually to the big fat girl at the newspaper down the street.

Don't be doing that.

Why?

Yes, ma'am, hold on just one second.

Yes, sir.

I'm a sir, not a ma'am.

Hold on just one second.

All right, asshole.

You're fine.

The chopped Pekins are $3, and then the ones that are in the can are $1, and we don't

have any in the can, they're just me.

me so all we have is the bags they're three dollars all right and you have yeah funnels

there too right what now yeah funnels yes all right that's i can force uh introduce them anally

through you know put the funnel up her asshole and yeah there you go there i go yeah all right

all right i'll see you later bye honey how cool is that bro yeah there you go all right yeah

Yeah, she's just like, what up?

And we'd think, whatever.

Big Marie, it was a big girl.

She's like, what up?

Yeah, go ahead and put them up the newspaper lady's ass.

I don't give a fuck.

Oh, well, at first it's like, don't you be going doing that.

Wait a minute.

Hang on, let me check.

They're $3.

She actually went to check it after I said it.

Oh, okay, whatever.

It's funny.

funny i'm the big newspaper girl i snuck in a comment about big sweaty under the nasty tits

or something whatever hey big guy how you doing you big fat big fat bastard how are you hey

hey good listen i wanted to make an order yes sir yeah i want to send it to the church's chicken

that's down the street yes sir all right it's going to be two uh barbecue uh the plates you

you know, chicken.

Pulled pork?

Yeah, pulled pork.

Yep, there you go.

Okay.

And bring them on down to the church's chicken.

How much is that going to be?

I'm by myself today.

Oh, why?

Because you're an asshole?

Yes, sir.

Okay, all right.

Well, I don't know.

If you can't bring it,

that means you're full of shit, you know?

Yeah.

Matt, talk to this guy.

I have nothing for him.

He's pissing me off.

Hey, you big ding-dong.

How you doing, sir?

Hey.

So you bring in the pork, pull it.

Are you going to pull my port?

Yeah.

I'm at the church, chicken.

And I'm looking for a big, dumb, fat hick to pull my port.

And what I did was think about you.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

And 24-7.

Yeah.

Oh, look at you.

You're handling business and dealing with me.

He's by himself.

Look at you go.

You little monkey.

And I was gone.

There's someone calling back, but I don't have that microphone set up on that machine,

so I can't answer on the air.

Microphone set up machine.

Yeah, so they'll have to leave a voicemail.

Hopefully it's a funny one.

Speaking of which, there is a funny voicemail.

Like two weeks ago, I called this guy.

I said, my name is Billy, and I lost a wedding ring.

in the trunk of his car

and I was changing the oil in it

because I was fucking, I forgot what it was

something about fucking, no I was going

through the trunk to find shit to steal

and I lost my wedding ring

but I was like let's not worry about

me stealing stuff out of your car

I just need that wedding ring back

he finally figured I was fucking with him

or whatever

long story made

made is a little less funny

he's left

a few voicemails, here's one he left yesterday

yesterday oh god damn it send the voicemail okay i've sent the colored voicemail your collar just

hung up goodbye yeah they don't want to leave a voicemail they just want to hang up um anyway

yeah listen you should be able to hear this one now he's been leaving messages like that this

whole time he's just like yeah he's just laughing i guess he thought it was real or something like

that yeah dummy it's stupid all right here's uh what looks to be a black church because it's on

on martin luther king jr drive uh that's how you know you're in a good neighborhood

when there's a dirt left on mok drive oh yeah no we don't deliver there and we also

and we also this place is called tabernacle church so there you go okay i'm guessing it's

a afro afro-american church casual male bigot can't we get that shortened from african-american

into Afro-American. I think that's fair,

right? It'll make it easier.

Yeah, because it's really hard.

It's a lot.

How many syllables in African-American?

Too many, huh?

Seven syllables plus a

break in there, right?

Now, Afro-American is much

more, man. How many? Afro-American.

That's only five. It's two

syllables less.

I prefer to be gold-colored.

Yeah, I'm telling you.

Oh, God, I'm going to have to turn the

the call back off because he's fucking you back god leave a voice i don't know something we called

yeah it's the same area code i don't know if it's the i think it's the elevator place just read the

put the number in chat and say you're trying to get a hold of me yeah i gotta i'm gonna cross

check and see make sure it's not the police though that they got a report like oh yeah we

got a fat some fat guy called here and he was eating and he called me big girl and i don't

appreciate that lock them up lock them up um no this is actually a completely different um

it's a completely different area code so no i don't know who's calling or why i don't appreciate

it give him a call all right fine here we go let's see if it's the cops i'm hanging up real

quick i'm gonna assume that you would and i don't think they'll say hi i'm the cops

They'll be like, uh, jerky

Why

you call so much why you call so much why you calling so much you call and you call you keep

calling you got the wrong number i haven't called you at all yeah you did i have a tracer i turned

and on my tracer

you have an asshole

four year old

what happened

what

sexy

that's hot

no that's the number

that's the number

that came up

on my ID

it's probably

someone else now

like a fan

probably

it's

it's his

12 year old

in the other room

listen

listen to this no it's probably a four-year-old that's my guess there's an actual four-year-old

out there and it loves madhouse yeah yeah yeah whatever okay moving right along um i'm gonna

play a part i gotta get some water what this fucking guy stopped calling man he's calling

again dumbass call back stupid he just called right now i need water first all right let's

continue on. Problem solved.

Water problem solved.

Mean you're going to kick his ass.

You know? No, you probably won't.

Yeah, you'll probably be down, but you're in a wheelchair now.

You're not rolling. Yeah, I'll roll over.

All right, cool. I'll get him on the floor and you roll

over. Yeah, I roll over his

fucking fingers. Yeah.

And then I'll spin on him. And then I'll give

you a bag of almonds.

Pecans. Pecans.

Pecans.

Picanado beans.

I'll pull up his little skirt.

stick them up there

we'll tape it

like a documentary

and in that scene I hand you the bag of

Pekins and we close the hotel room

door and that's fade to black

right there

everyone knows

what happens next

he's like

no no

slam

it'll never happen

happen but it's fun it's funny to talk about it's funny i'd be totally down all right yeah we'll do

that we're gonna anally rape somebody with nuts because of pokemon card calls here's georgia

powell i've met i've dealt with georgia powell before a woman from power but in georgia they

call it powell because this woman called me at a internet provider i used to work for and i guess

her georgia power office was run by us we did her internet and it was down she called me she's so

whiny she's like and i'm with georgia power oh my god this bitch is annoying and i won't push

she goes and we need to have the internet working now and i went but i thought i had my headset on

mute but it wasn't and i realized it happened because i heard i i looked at the mute button

and it wasn't red i was like ah shit you know like is there anything else i can help you with

she's like no she hung up and then like three days later my boss called me in his office and

he's like yeah so i got a complaint and then the call was recorded and i heard the call

and it's it was really it was really funny but you can't do that man and i said oh you got it

recorded he's like yes oh but can you give me a copy of it you know because i wanted to play it

on the show he's like no carlos i can't do he he actually liked madhouse so he he was like what the

fuck i don't he's like i don't fucking care but my boss says i have to tell you something about it

so don't if you're gonna make fun of someone make sure you're on mute you know this is the kind of

thing but i was like come on man because i looked when he was playing on the computer was on an mp3

i could see his media player you know i was like you already got it because he just forwarded to

me in an email man don't tell anybody he's like i can't man come on just don't be stupid you know

know i can't do that i'm like all right anyway here's a place called sisters pizza and muscles

like the not the strength muscles like the the clam the shitty clam the k-mart clam muscles

the poor man this one time i asked for a meal at an italian restaurant they brought me it was

and spaghetti with

mussels thrown in it and I'm like this is

fucking stupid you mean I gotta pick out the mussels

with my hands in the fucking red

sauce and open them up to get that

mussels are shit man

they're like fucking

toilet clams man

they go in like black murky

dirty water tilapia is another fish

they eat shit you know like

in the salmon

farms and stuff they

throw tilapia in with the

salmon because the tilapia eats the

the salmon shit to keep the water clean yeah and when they they harvest the salmon out and then

they separate the tilapia and they sell on the side and it's just like it's it's like eating

you know those puffer fish not the puffer fish no the sucker the sucker fish yeah yeah the sucker

fish that eats all the shit off the glass i like catfish and they eat shit i guess so they're yeah

yeah they'll fuck you up a catfish will be touch it i guess they got those whiskers that movie where

We're ooky noodling where they're catching them with their hands.

I see a little pizzeria in Daly.

How can I help you?

Yeah, what do you mean?

It says pizzeria, pizza and mussels, right?

Yes, sir.

That's stupid.

You know, mussels are like the Kmart version of the clams.

Hey, how are you, honey?

You turn into a woman awfully quick.

What can I do for you?

It's lunchtime.

Yeah, mussels, you know?

You got those?

Yeah, they're like the Kmart version of clams.

They eat shit off the floor.

They eat the shit off the floor.

all the animals shit in the water really right no really i saw it in wikipedia it says right there

it says muscles or crustacean they eat the shit off the floor yeah yeah philosophy also if you

click on it you get the philosophy eventually anyway i don't know what the fuck i was doing

matt if i don't know this is common knowledge but a co-worker of mine showed me that if you

go to wikipedia and you click on the first non-italicized link on every page you go to

starting wherever you want you will eventually get down to philosophy okay yeah no matter you

can go fucking look up potato beans yeah and just click on every single the first blue link that's

not italics you end up in philosophy i don't know why like like right away this is the first link

eventually eventually eventually you get to philosophy every time though so you're saying

Playing the potato beans legion of philosophy.

Exactly.

And not the philosophy of a potato bean.

No, no, philosophy.

It's all boys.

Even Tupac knew that.

He read all those philosophy books.

Yeah.

All right.

I don't know why he even brought that up.

Remember when he was in Digital Underground?

Yeah, man.

Doing the nothing but trouble thing.

Yeah.

He was in that video, his first rap, right?

They brought him out on a throne.

Yeah, I heard about it.

Yeah.

that was that that fucking movie nothing but trouble i watched that when i was like holed up

in this fucking like crack hotel oh my god when i was wanted for an arson in texas what okay

do i even want to know i burnt up a truck wow and i was in this hotel with just like all kinds

kinds of cases of beer and ice in the fridge yeah a fucking 30 30 rifle and some other handgun

how did you get out of this wait a minute okay keep going because i want to

and they didn't have pay-per-view the guy would like play vhs's and they'd pump out the room

he'd play trancers too and fucking nothing but trouble that was it like it fucking wanted to end

and fire in the next one and they were in an infinite loop so how did you get out of this

mess out of this pickle with us i went i called home and i was like i'm sick of being run away

can i come home oh this is when you were a teenager run away yeah okay yeah and i fucking

they arrested a friend of mine because it like the report was like a guy with long hair running

from the scene i had a long year there but then i came back to chicago and i got fucking arrested

for burglary and attempted arson and then when i was in there they pulled up texas warrant

so i got two arsons and a fucking burglary and like the guys in jail they you know i was like

wanted out of state and they're like you broke into motherfuckers crib and set it on fire

Damn, you're crazy.

It's interesting.

All right.

Well, it was a juvie, at least?

No, it was jailed.

Yeah, so I was 17.

You're an adult.

Oh, shit.

Oh, good.

Well, here you are now.

Yeah.

On the government dole, bomb a phone.

Crippled, drunk, having fun with prank calls still.

Brain lesions.

Yeah.

What is this?

I don't know.

I forgot.

Oh, it's a nun.

It's a sister.

Something.

Is it the House of Bread?

No, maybe we should call that again.

Ask her about her menstruations.

I couldn't get that out of my head.

It's non-menstrual.

Ew.

Dude, call the House of Bread.

All right, I'll find the House of Bread.

I forgot what town it was in.

What did we call last week?

I don't know.

I'll have to sit down.

You might say a place that has to have a place called that.

Hey.

Hi.

Hey there, sister.

How you doing?

Okay.

I'm here to talk to you about your menstruation.

My what?

Menstruation.

Do you still get period blood coming out?

You know, or being that you're married to God.

Oh, she hung up.

Did his ghost dick seal you up when he fucked you?

Did his ghost dick?

All right, let's, I think this is the house.

Oh, I'm not calling anyone.

What is this?

Started dialing her again for no reason.

I don't want to do that.

I just imagined

a nun with a big ruler.

You're a fucking idiot, you dummy.

You're married to a fantasy.

We're calling the community kitchen

service.

If you are in need of help,

please press 1.

We've got to get that lady first.

Volunteering or donating to our mission.

Oh, shut up.

As for the sister,

I think so.

I bleeped it out on the show

on the final version.

How do you get this machine that does this?

I want to get that.

Just to listen to it.

Yeah.

I'd sleep to it.

I'd play it while I was sleeping.

I'm going to play it through my CPAP mask

when I wear it.

This pump is through.

I don't think this is the right house of bread.

I don't know.

Because this was in Dayton, Ohio.

I don't think we called Dayton last week.

Where the fuck did we call?

How many houses can there be?

I don't know.

What else would be?

Yeah, because there's a whole bunch of them.

Oh, I remember.

Here, I found it.

I found it.

We were calling Connecticut last week, right?

Yes.

I certainly liked that fucking, that old music.

Yeah.

That would be cool to make a loop of.

Yeah.

I've heard it before.

Anyway, look, we were calling Connecticut, and I found the right one.

Here we go.

I went into my history machine.

Way back machine.

Internet way back machine.

The Madhouse Craig Cole Internet way back machine.

I've got to wrap it up soon.

I've got to get some sleep.

I'm under the weather.

I've got to work tonight.

Oh.

Fred, you can dial your party's extension at any time.

This is Sue.

I can't take your call right now.

Please leave a text.

Transferring to extension 5001.

One moment, please.

This was the one we'd get her through.

Hello?

Yeah, this is Sister Moron.

How are you?

Good.

I had a few questions.

Now, do you folks accept bananas?

I've got a bunch of bananas here.

Would you guys?

Yeah, the kitchen would take that.

Okay, all right.

And would you, can I bring them to you personally, Sister Bruno?

No, because this is the main office.

You can bring them to the kitchen.

Okay, and in there, there will be a person and they'll accept the bananas?

Yeah, Matt.

Matt.

That's for Matt.

And I'll put him in his asshole, right?

Pardon me?

In his ass, in his rear end.

Listen, you're not funny.

Okay, that's her opinion.

I beg to differ.

everybody in the uh chat room please call the house of brad and tell

sister marine that carlito is in fact funny sister moron as i call her

hey bring in the yeah go ahead let me open the back door for you

You should have said

Peacock.

She's all excited about

bananas. Like, oh yes!

We will take the bananas.

Talk to the kitchen. Hell yeah.

Here's Alan Plumbing Company.

Alan? Alan Plumbing Company.

I'm going to ask him about my

wife needing a plumber to come over, but

I don't need any of those

70s pornos jokes.

If they have a mascot,

that's an Alan Rich.

I'm sure he's going to get a voicemail.

Well, because nobody wants to talk to me today.

I'm putting out bad vibes.

Hi.

Want to leave a message?

We'll return your call as soon as we get the message.

Jesus Christ.

Sure you will.

I don't trust a black plumber.

I never met a black plumber in my life.

I'm not trying to say anything bad.

I just don't know what to think about that.

Are they talented at that?

Maybe.

Can't say he's not.

Damn, now I want to talk to a plumber, motherfucker.

What am I going to do?

Dude, I had all these plumber ideas.

I'm going to try to find another one in town.

Who is it?

It's the plumber.

Plumber?

I didn't call it plumber.

Plumber.

I'm looking up plumber.

I don't like this new Google Maps because it only brings up one result at a time, I guess.

I don't fucking like this at all.

All right, here we go.

I got like five different ones that I found on Bing.

It's gotten to that now.

I'm using Bing on this.

I do, like, shitty little things on the internet for micro-Bitcoins.

And I get in this thing, and what are the results?

You've earned two-thirds of a cent.

Two-thirds of a Bitcoin.

I don't have a buck yet.

Like, it's not worth a dollar with all the micro-Bitcoins I have.

Hey, call that Indian restaurant.

I don't have a number.

Does John have it?

Who did that show?

It was Lux, right?

That was his show?

or was it no that just wasn't on there it wasn't okay sloth and ice goose were there i think sloth

ice goose and one other cat and you that was great i was cracking my ass up listening to that

oh my god god it was funny he's like i fuck your happiness

you're the blood of your father yeah really your father's blood

i got everything i got a wife i got a girlfriend i got five girlfriends they're all american

yeah they love my dick that guy was a trip man okay class he just started yelling like it was

pretty good he was so mad like i was like calm down you're gonna have a fucking aneurysm just

calm down dude seriously yeah well the best thing was when sloth called him a second time he didn't

I think he just hung up and picked it up

real quick and Sloth was on there

and he didn't realize it was the same

call. He actually, Sloth was like,

yeah, can I get the pop-a-dubs and this

and your sister? He's like,

yo, motherfucker!

It's so bad that he got

took again.

Oh, man. Alright.

Well,

the target

call, the dude was on

for 48 minutes. I don't remember

the target call. It was

was uh later that night because i was like today was a good day kept the guy on for 48 minutes like

enter like pla go away

shit like finally the guy left he's like i'm supposed to get off i can't let somebody else

do it it's just like click affordable plumbing well look you don't know how hard it is to get

a goddamn plumber they've been had to call a few of them how are you doing buddy all right what can

going to do for you is this affordable with two a's yes it is you spelled that wrong there you

know i spelled it wrong why to get you know on top of the phone book and the results that's kind

of unscrupulous you know okay that's kind of dishonest so that's strike one negative one

strike i'm going to put that here my paper minus one all right so i want to make sure i i need uh

some part there's a leak leaky faucet and like you know where the drain the net goes up and down

in the kitchen in the sink under the sink it's leaking water and pus okay all right so oh yeah

well i want to make sure one thing before i give information because the last time i had a plumber

come over the first thing he said was he was there to lay pipe and my wife was like oh what do you

mean like i didn't call a plumber you know and he's like oh i heard you have a problem with their

pipes you know he was trying to do this really cheesy kind of pickup line kind of thing i don't

put up with that i don't either you know i'm liable to go down there and stick you know

pecans in your ass or something like that if you do it you know and take pictures of it and show

it to people be like a affordable is you know a for the first a's for asshole we got a spot

out there now what's going on i want you to come and fix my pipes i want you to check my pipes

touch them and everything you come touch my pipes hello have you come over here and check

Check my chocolate factory.

You gonna clean up my poop?

Oh, go fuck yourself.

Finally.

Go fuck yourself.

I've been stalled and I'll burp.

That is stupid.

That's for the...

Put in like four A's in the beginning.

A number one.

This is A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A plumbing.

It's always plumbing and painting places that do that shit, right?

As far as I can tell.

Plumbers.

Yeah, you never call, like, fucking, you know.

I looked at the phone book for plumbers and painters all the time.

I've never seen a listing for a doctor's office.

It's like, A, A, A, A, A, A, Aaron, doctor.

It's not.

It's like fucking auto insurance and shit.

It's like whatever.

Oh, there you go.

Okay.

Maybe one or two more calls, and we'll call it a day.

Okey-doke.

All right.

Plumbing is not for me, apparently.

We're still up here, so hopefully we find some other.

Benjamin Franklin, the punctual.

I have no idea.

I think that's another plumber.

Is it?

Benjamin Franklin, the punctual.

what is it i don't know it is a plumber benjamin franklin plumber the punctual plumber

i'm gonna ask him if you knew benjamin franklin had syphilis

yeah he was an alcoholic that you'd be like benjamin franklin you know that he drank a

lot of beer all the time they used to have to follow him home after the when they were

writing the constitution up because they were afraid he was going to go to the bar and drink

and blab everything out so that's how that's why he was never president everyone wonders

There's one person who hasn't been Franklin president because he's a fucking alcoholic.

Smart guy.

Thanks for calling.

You've reached the office of the corporation.

What?

You're a definitive resource for pre-employment assessments.

I'm sorry I cannot take your call personally.

That has nothing to do with plumbing.

Sounds like a bullshit company.

It's like a temp agency or something.

I guess.

I guess we're not going to be able to make fun of Benjamin Franklin then.

Oh, well.

There goes that plant.

Here's the flower gallery.

Yeah.

I want to buy an Audrey 2.

What's an Audrey 2?

From Little Shop of Horrors.

Oh, man, never saw it.

I just know that it's good.

There's like a talking plant.

Oh, the fucking music right there.

Like, the one's really fun, man.

Isn't that show tunes?

You like show tunes, huh?

Yeah.

No, I do like...

I've seen the play of it with them singing and shit.

The plant wins in that.

Yeah?

And then the phantom comes out at the end and he gets shot?

Flower Gallery, this is Dottie.

Hey, honey, how are you?

Hi, Dottie.

hi hi how you doing i'm good who's this this is maddie this is maddie i was wondering do you

guys have any audrey twos there any what audrey twos audrey twos yeah you know what is that it's

a it's a very mysterious plant i think they came from space or something oh i've never heard of

You haven't seen the Little Shop of Horrors movie?

No.

With the plants singing?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I was wondering if that was.

No.

Oh, Jesus.

What are we going to do, Dottie?

I don't know.

I got a body I need to dispose of, and I was hoping the damn plant would eat it.

I don't have one that'll eat the body.

Jesus.

All right.

I like your pussy lips.

and I enjoyed talking to you

okay well thank you

thank you for that

yeah really

what an asshole he is

you know he has me tied up here in his basement

and does sexual dances

and makes me listen to these phone calls he makes

very interesting

he like shaves plumps

I don't know what that's about

goodbye

he shaves plumps

okay

Whatever that means

You got me tied up

I just busted

Yeah he's gonna be tied up

In the sexual

What's the sexual dance

Lombada

Now I'm thinking about Matt

Dancing a lombada

By himself in front of me

In this place

Watch me Carlito

Watch me

I'm gonna get a god damn plant

I'm gonna buy a hundred dudes

That's gonna eat you

You fucker

Oh, shit.

I'm not even panicking about it.

I'm just like, all right, it's got to be tied up here.

It's going to kill me.

He does these sex dances.

All right, here's Harriton Florist.

I wonder, can you prearrange, like, funeral flowers?

Well, there you go, because you're going to kill somebody.

No, no, I wouldn't say that.

But you could, you know, you could say something like that.

I hate my dad.

I want him to be cancer.

That would be a cool statement, you know,

if you don't like someone, you just send them funeral arrangements.

to their house that's like hey listen i got this person i hate him so much you know and and my wife

has been sleeping with him so i want to send my wife a funeral uh arrangement to her house can

you help me with that like a statement and i want you to put a card and i want you to take a message

you want to send a friend a flower funeral arrangement to my wife yeah um i haven't

I'm going to make you speak with my boss, because we know I'm the funeral home.

Okay, stupid.

She's like, nobody calls me stupid, because I can't even say funeral, right?

Uh-uh.

Yeah, funeral, funeral.

My funeral, funeral.

Let me just coach her on how to say funeral.

Okay.

Yeah, that lady just hung up the phone on me.

What happened?

This is what happens when you get involved with black people and flowers, black florists.

Okay.

Don't call them or you won't get involved.

Do you know how to say funeral?

You know how to say asshole?

No.

He's like, you know how to say asshole?

God damn, that was funny.

And hangs it up, and she's like squawking in the background.

Burn.

You know what that motherfucker said?

He wants to buy funeral flowers for his wife is the statement.

Yeah.

You brighten up their day, definitely.

You try to get them to say cats.

All right, cats.

That's a fun game.

Thank you for shipping, receiving, or direction to the plant.

Please wait.

How about zero?

And you shut up, lady.

Asshole.

He was so proud of himself.

I just told him.

I just told him finally that they're an asshole.

I can see him at the dinner table tonight.

And I called him an asshole.

Let me try a different apartment there.

You think he did the whole thing where he buffed his fingernails on his shoulder?

her yeah that's what he's gonna do at the dinner table at the head of it so back and his wife that

secretly hates him because he works at a flower shop and that's feminine the big piece of chicken

you know you think i'm a fucking pussy for working with flowers let me tell you what i did

you'll be waving around a chicken leg as you say in the story you know

pointing gesturing with it and i said to him you know how to say asshole

these kids roll their eyes like daddy you stupid

daddy you stupid oh that one the fucking the pizza call where that lady was

yelling at her family for using the internet to order and the extra piece she's like it's so

are stupid. Jasmine, you're

stupid.

We always order. We always

pay cash.

I'm on the phone. Not this computer

shit.

We're calling Arizona for shipping.

We're sending a resurrection to the plane.

I thought it was zero.

Make it make it shut up.

This is a reference announcement.

What was that?

It is all for the

reference.

Prepare for a message from the president

of the Arizona Cavalry Company.

Come on.

Praise yourself.

The president will now speak.

The CEO of the company.

And here we are waiting.

We'll call someone else while we wait on these fucks.

I don't know, Eric.

I think you're a dead end.

I don't think there's anything to wait on.

Velocity.

What do you think Velocity Express is?

Velocity Express.

Oh, it's a trucking company.

It tells me here.

It's a trucking company.

There's no phone number, though.

I think Rollerblaze is better, though.

Yeah, that would have been great.

Velocity Rollerblade

Yeah

And fucking

The Chicago Sting G-String

Rollerblade

Huh?

Oh, we left a message

That's a good message

I forgot

I think Star T transfers

Yeah

for digit extension and pound sign.

Extension not valid.

Oh, fuck it.

Enter the for digit extension and pound sign.

Well, we left someone a weird voicemail there

at the work computer.

Here's the last one I'll do today.

This is Fastenal Company.

I have no idea what that is.

Let's ask them.

Fastenal?

I think that's like they sell nuts and bolts and shit.

Nipple clamps.

Yeah.

They got a website.

Yeah, looks like you're right.

How'd you know that?

Fastenal is true.

What kind of stupid company is this?

Who is this?

This is Eddie.

I ordered sockets, and you sent me riveting and self-clinching, self-sealing stem bolts.

No, no, no.

This is Fastenal machine.

Fastenal?

Fastenal.

Yeah, Fastenal.

I ordered sockets, and you sent me self-clinching, riveting, self-sealing stem bolts instead.

You're talking about the other store.

No, no.

It was you, you stupid little shit.

don't hang up don't hang up i'm sorry okay this is eddie i'm going through ssri withdrawal all

right you understand hey i'm gonna put matt online i don't have anything for you you're

pissing me off matt do something or we'll we'll be done hey fastenal how you doing there silly boy

what's up uh nothing i just wanted to get like do you have anything there like anything i can

can use for nipple clamps you have any abrasives yeah i like to whack off with fucking sandpaper

you got any yeah i got some come on up here and get it for whacking off can i whack off in the

parking lot or do you have a bathroom i could use yeah we got a bathroom all right yeah do you have

like a like a toilet cam in there and you let ladies use it and you're like fucking i'm gonna

to whack off to her later

watching her pussy spray

pee out.

Do you have a fast and all

poster like a girl

in a bikini?

I thought he would.

The fast and all

poster girl.

Who's calling?

I don't know. I'm trying to get to it. It's a separate window.

I forget which browser

I have it open.

Somewhere. I lost it.

Too late. I took too long. Here it is.

Let me see.

Well, they went to voicemail.

It took too long.

Basically, that's what happened, Matt, okay?

Okay.

That's just the facts.

All right.

Well, I'm done, Matt.

I'm done.

It was super fun again, buddy.

I guess so.

It was fun having you.

I had a good time.

We had some good calls.

We had some fun.

We insulted.

Yeah.

Good time, yeah.

It was a good fucking time.

I think maybe you should marry me.

Yeah, I think so.

I think this is a marriage.

This is the beginning of something special here.

Something beautiful.

All right.

Well, see you later, Matt.

Take care of the man.

Bye, chat room.

All right.

I want to remind everybody, MadhouseRadios at MadhouseLive.com.

I want to thank everyone who tuned in today, all of you, except for one.

I'll be back here next week.

I don't think I'm going to do a show Thursday because Thursday this week is my only day off.

And I don't think I'm going to feel like doing a show on my only night off.

I think I'm just going to want to hang out.

Anyway.

All right, guys.

Catch you next week.

Take it easy.

Bye.

Peace on the streets.

We're not playing games here.

I fucking sum up that stench of yours.

You're calling us white hats?

You little motherfucker.

I'm going to be down at that store.

I don't know who you think you're talking to.

You dope-ass motherfucker.

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Shit on you.

Visit us at madhouselive.com.

And they called them Muppets, which is a British term that means a stupid, ignorant person.

Calls (28, 48 min of 1 h 34 min)

Transcript

Comments 0