Horse Machine Ranch Road

What the hell are you fucking doing?

I don't like Chinese people.

I don't like Chinese food.

Hey, fuck you, man.

What do you want me to do?

I'm not playing no fucking games, man.

I fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making a stupid comment.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

You're not perfect.

What are you, piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

All right, everybody.

It's Carlito and Matt.

We're doing a Monday morning show.

Let's get right into it.

hi matt hi captain brain lesion himself matt hashtag fun with brain lesions

what's a lesion is it like a like a tear like a scar it's like a scar what do you think like

where there was damage so what were you headbanging or something when you were a kid

no it was uh it was the fucking ms it's like your immune system eating your nerves no it's yeah

Yeah, it's like some AIDS-type shit, kind of.

Oh, I hope you're okay.

You seem to be all right, drinking.

I'm still breathing. I'm having fun.

I don't know.

Fuck it. We're doing it live.

Let's call for air conditioning now.

Cool.

Thanks for calling air conditioning.

Hey, this motherfucking air conditioner doesn't fucking work.

It's a piece of shit.

Hello?

Yeah, this motherfucking air conditioning shit.

Hello?

Yes, I'm here.

Yeah, is there a man I can talk to about the motherfucking air conditioner?

I'm afraid not.

There's no men at all?

Nope.

Mm.

Mm-mm-mm.

So it's all women that fix the air conditioning?

Yes, it's all women.

That's unfortunate.

That explains a lot, too.

Well, that's too bad for you.

Okay.

You lost a big business.

I have four air conditioners in my house, and these motherfuckers don't work.

You could have come down here.

Okay.

Well, there's no need for that kind of language.

I don't need any stupid women coming in here.

There's no need for that kind of language.

Stupid broad.

I'm a sexy lady.

Oh, that's awesome.

Hey, call back and say that you're a woman and you're sorry.

I'm a woman.

I wanted to breathe.

I long to see you.

Yeah, hi.

If you make a party extension, you may dial it in any time during this message.

Transferring to extension 5001.

One moment, please.

Somebody pounce you.

You're a conference.

You did one number.

I was at 500.

Oh, just number five.

It's just five.

Thanks for calling me to help you.

Yeah, how you doing there, sugar tits?

I think you just talked to my husband.

He didn't want to deal with women in the workplace?

Nope, she ain't having that, sir.

Ain't nobody got time for that.

Okay, moving right along.

Let's see what else is in this piece.

I got to remember not to just leave that shit on, that weird voice when I'm just trying to bullshit.

You scared the shit out of yourself, probably.

Here's Bon Appetit.

I can't hear it.

You can't?

Oh, okay.

You can't hear it.

I guess I could hit, like, the test thing and do it, maybe, but it's, like, it ends up working like one of those speech jammers.

Ah, well, fuck that, you know?

You know, because, like, it's processing, so it takes, like, a second, like, barely anything to, like, but there's a delay.

Okay.

Sure, buddy, I understand.

I'm not, like, yeah.

I have no idea what you're talking about, stupid.

That's nice, honey.

I'm looking for where I put phone numbers in to call them.

Here it is.

It's called Call Now.

here we go what's call now what kind of place is it it's a skype thing it's this call here

add call add call group call jesus hello no one is available yeah early as fuck in the morning

how do these places stay in business it's monday morning right they should be

right at work doing what they need to be doing yeah fucking there should be some men working

at the air conditioning shop somewhere jesus christ yes here's california closet machines

Jeans. Let's see what they're up to.

What do they do?

You don't just make a closet.

I guess

they outfit the closet. They make it all

sexy. Yeah, they said they

hook it all up for you, man.

That'd be nice to have a nice hooked up closet, right?

All automated and shit. That would be

nice. My closet's fucking stupid.

I got everything I own

in there.

The other stuff's in the storage unit.

Did you

Did you save your shit in the storage unit?

Not yet.

I have to get a huge check in the next week or two.

I know someone that lived in a storage unit because they were homeless for a few months.

That's badass.

I would totally live in a storage unit.

Well, what he did, he didn't live in the unit itself.

He rented one out so he got access to the property.

He would drive his car in at 6 p.m. and spend the night there and leave at 7 in the morning.

yeah it was really weird and stayed in one of the awesome he took a shit in a box and like one of

those packing boxes he had to take a monster dump and there was no bathroom he took a shit in the

box and when he woke up in the morning there it was because one of the owner ladies was like what

the fuck is that is this shit oh my god someone took a shit next to the dumpster in a box good

times man i got to hear that my my place has uh like bathrooms inside so you could have facilities

Thank you for calling California Closets.

Your call is important to us and will be recorded for quality purposes.

That's no.

We transfer you to a customer service representative.

I got a call.

There's that cricket sound.

Yeah, what is it?

Honey, how can I help you today?

Motherfucking closets, man.

Hello?

Yeah, these motherfucking closets.

Yeah, these motherfucking closets you motherfuckers make.

There's crickets in here.

There's like a cricket noise coming out of it.

i hit the button for the ties to come out you know you automate you put that automated tie

system machine next to the air conditioner you know and the and the tv that's in the fucking

closet and he's making this noise like a cricket no you're not you're being disingenuous are you

really sorry you're really that sorry i'm so sorry oh i bought the house with this stupid closet

And on the side of it, it says, you know, for service and assistance, call California Closet.

And it has your phone number.

Oh, to where the house is so I can get someone to help you out?

I don't know the zip code.

Can I have the address so I can find you the zip code?

I don't want to give you the address.

Is there a man who could take that?

Because you're liable to come over and get all sexed up, you know?

I can get you someone who can help you, but I'm in the national office, and I need to know where you are.

are you okay i mean okay just one second okay there it is again i'm so yeah i give you the

address but you're liable to get come over to look at it yourself and get all sexed up and i

don't need that kind of trouble you know i'm i've been going through months of therapy with my wife

because i already got caught once the last thing i need is to be accused giving some broad my

address again i can unfortunately that office really doesn't open till today yeah because

Because they're a bunch of assholes.

That's what I found out when I tried to call them already.

I mean, it's really stupid to be a bunch of stupid people

that don't come in until 10 o'clock in the fucking morning.

Very convenient.

What time are they there till?

They're there in that location till 6.

Can I...

I can get you in contact with the professional facility

if you could just give me one second.

Hello.

Is there a man I could talk to, though, for now?

Now, like, a man above you.

A man above me?

Yeah, like, who signs your paycheck, honey?

Most definitely, I can get you in contact with him.

Can I get your first name so I can introduce you?

This is Billy.

Billy.

One second, okay, Billy?

Bye.

One second.

All right, hurry up.

You're fucking talking crazy shit.

Oh, my God.

I like their whole music.

There's an air conditioning in there.

Air conditioning.

Yeah.

God, she's taking a long time.

Dude, I'm sure every guy's like, uh, I don't want to talk to somebody you described as a maniac.

Here's a place called Sheffield.

Hello, Jimmy?

Yeah, I was...

Hello, I'm Cheryl on the line. She'll be further from here, okay?

You have whom?

No, no, no, the man, please.

That's the problem, is she... Is she on the line now?

Yeah, I am on the line right now.

Yeah, go get a man, honey. Go, honey. Go ahead, get a man. Talk to... Go.

Are you looking to talk to somebody about closets?

That's nice, honey.

Yeah.

It's for man business, you know.

Go ahead.

It's about the closet.

Yeah, that's right, honey.

Go ahead.

Okay, please.

All right.

Garage by storing chemicals and dangerous items in cabinets with locking crickets.

Who's putting chemicals, dangerous chemicals in their closets?

This guy's listening.

Listen to what he said.

We are located at...

Crap.

I got to edit that out.

Asshole.

Hey, asshole.

What?

Yeah, hey, asshole.

Why'd you say those things?

What are you talking about?

You asshole.

You know what you did, son of a bitch.

What are you talking about?

Are you drunk?

No.

Well, yeah, but I mean, I got pretty drunk last night.

So what did you choose?

So you assholes put in this, you fixed up this closet, this house I bought, okay?

It's got a black toilet in there, black marble toilet.

You know what I'm talking about?

I have no idea.

Who is this, and what house?

It's at Horse Machine Ranch Road.

Horse Machine Ranch Road.

Yes.

That's so dumb.

Oops.

I thought I was muted.

I had to laugh, because he actually said Horse Machine Ranch Road.

Sorry, guys.

I'm sorry.

It's like the guy from Target going, you mean Gunflap 5?

I'm sorry.

Well, I started laughing.

and I thought I was muted.

I'm such a dummy.

Horse machine retro.

I have to keep myself from laughing

so I don't go into coughing fits.

I'm over the cold.

It's just I got that post nasal shit,

you know, so it's going to take me days.

You got the post nasal drips.

Too much cocaine abuse.

Yeah, that's right.

Here's enhanced wood renewal.

This area of calling,

it's got like tons and tons of

like little odd repair places.

I used to work in this area.

That's why I'm doing it.

Hey, let me try the old man voice.

Okay.

Tell me how you think it is.

Well, I got a different class.

How's this sound?

It's pretty good.

Get my medicine.

Here, I got a wood renewal place.

I got an intergalactic trading company.

Intergalactic trading company?

Intergalactic trading company, yes.

Man, hang on.

Oh, I want to go to space.

Jesus.

What was all that?

I didn't want that to happen.

I got it on my blue box.

There we go.

Trying to get used to a new setup here.

Don't forget, if you need to give an address, Horse Machine Ranch Road.

Okay.

You're the only house on that.

Good morning, Intergalactic.

Hi, Intergalactic.

This is Matty from Horse Machine Ranch Road,

and I want to know about going to space.

You guys are Intergalactic, right?

Yes.

Yeah, so you go to space, to the galaxies.

Because as a young man, I always dreamed about going up to the stars.

And now that I'm getting very sick and at the end of my life, I figure I can finally do it.

It's a really bad connection, so it's very hard to hear you.

You can make it from my phone.

It's got those big numbers that I can call whoever I need.

My great-grandson got it for me.

Pussy lips.

Try without the wavering, maybe, because it is a little harder.

I can't, I can't, I can't alter it.

You can't?

That's all.

It's built into the thing.

Ah, damn, it would be perfect if it was just that without the...

Just a little bit.

A lot of them would.

I think the lady one's the closest.

Yeah, if that didn't have the Katharine Hepburn effect to the old...

Yeah, I think that's what makes it old, man.

Yeah, well, maybe.

Maybe.

Unfortunately.

It's supposed to be like that.

Now, do that with a high voice on your end, you know?

Hi, I'm a monster.

That sounds like you're kind of retarded.

That's kind of funny.

I'm a retarded monster.

Put it in my butt.

Here's a production.

I'm a monster.

I found a weird person.

There's the famous virus, everybody.

Matt and the virus.

Veronica.

Hey, how you doing there, honey?

Listen, this is productions.

Media productions?

Uh-huh.

I thought it was white media productions.

Shit.

Okay, well, baby, do you guys have stock footage that I can buy?

No, we don't.

I'm looking for, like, well, could you help me?

Can I pay to have you folks provide camera people?

I just need one camera person.

We're going to take a picture next to a lake of a cross burning.

Let me let you talk to my husband.

Hold on a second.

Is he, like, white?

This is Russ.

Yes, hi, sir.

Are you blessed with white skin, white race?

Sorry?

Are you blessed like me, like I'm white-raced, you know, white skin, white race?

Are you blessed like that?

Are you white?

I am, but I don't understand what that has to do with the blessing.

Oh, because we're looking, well, you don't have stock footage,

so we're going to burn across lakeside around, like, sunset time.

But I don't know anything about using a video camera, and I don't have that equipment.

That does not sound like anything I'm interested in.

It's a for-a-period piece.

it's important okay well great it doesn't sound like anything i'm interesting you're burning a

cross is uh nothing i'm interested in that's no it's not it's an awareness video to stop people

from doing these bad things you know not interested all right because the what about this part then

there's going to be a clansman by the lake you know where that's happening and a black man's

going to run out of the jungle out of the woods you know and he's going to take him and drown him

in the water the black man's gonna drown the klansman for being a racist it's it's just a

quick scene for a rap video we're shooting well let me ask this how does this glorify god it's a

christian rap video it's a christian rap video yes it's by a christian group they're they're

afro-americans they are do christian rap okay and like so part of the video is to show against

against racism how god doesn't like racism so it shows the burning cross right and then it cuts

back to the band and they're like yo you know they're jumping up and down you know we're really

filling the part with them jumping up and down they're jumping up and down this air conditioner

all right and while they're rapping they're holding the mics and the backwards hat and everything

and then it shows then it cuts back to the lake scene okay and by this point it's getting dark

you know there's some mosquitoes out it's a lake over here we're gonna record it out okay

And then there's going to be a bunch of Klansmen out there, and they're going to be burning the cross.

And one of them is back further away from the other ones, checking his phone or something.

And then Lysol, he's the rapper, he's going to come out, no shirt on, and just a pair of ripped shorts.

And he comes running out of the woods, out of the forest next to the lake.

And he grabs them from behind, and the other Klansmen don't see.

And he just starts drowning them.

right right and then we cut back and the band is or is you know jumping up and down at a concert

at a concert fee we got from a high school concert they did all right and then it goes back and it

shows now they're in full now though the klansman is fully underwater and he's being drowned by the

black man head first he's got him by the head and he's drowning him yeah and then the music

changed and it changes like this intense hard rock and roll music and the guy's like fucking god's

gonna fucking kill you asshole like that he comes down you know right yeah and he's like oh it's

like this white horse that's rapping the white horse you know in revelations it said jesus is a

white horse right yeah so this white horse comes and he starts like yelling i was like you

motherfucker i'm gonna my my my boy lysol's gonna kill you motherfucker my dad my dad my dad said

said my dad fucking said fucking kill you what's your name my name is eddie cross oh eddie uh again

this does not sound anything like i'm interested in doing it's a christian rap music video with

that kind of language i don't think so well we're taking a stand we're taking a stand because you're

trying to take our country from us all right all right no i'll pass uh don't call again asshole

Asshole.

Yeah, your mama.

Bye.

Whoa.

Burn.

Yo, mama.

He went, he went, your mama after all this fucking pious, pious fucking Jesus fuck shit.

Yo, mama.

Goddamn, that was funny.

That went from racism to a crazy fucking Christian rap video.

Yeah.

And a white horse that says, fuck you.

Fucking racism.

oh shit what's up enigma we should film that video we should make hey how's it going yeah

we need to get a kickstarter going to make oh shit she just got real hi buddy hey nigs hey

how's it going i'm coughing a lot as well i'm gonna blow my nose when i can't because i'm on

in the air and you know you can hit the mute button and fucking blow your nose well you'd

have to be doing a prank call and i'd have to go and get my kleenex as i went oh i got right here

i got something yeah all i wanted was my shoes and my glasses here's wood renewal matt you do

wood renewal i don't know if you got an idea or not i got i'm sorry i gotta throw i gotta throw

it to you i don't know i'm sure my nasal sinuses uh wood renewal thank you for calling in hans

exclusive kd how can i hey this is a wood renewal place right i'm sorry say that again

this is the root wood renewal place yeah yeah yeah sorry i don't talk so well i got brain

lesions and such but um i sleep in an old coffin because i think i'm like a dracula

and it's getting pretty banged up and shit you know from my leg braces climbing into it at night

and I want to have it renewed.

Can you all do that?

Do you fix coffins?

Do you do business with vampires?

You're in another fucking prejudiced place.

I'm sorry, sir.

You're really muffled.

I'm having trouble hearing you.

Jesus Christ.

I'm a fucking Dracula, eh?

And I have brain lesions, too.

I'm trying my best.

You don't like handicaps,

nor minorities.

Hang up.

I don't know why.

I'm a Dracula.

She says she can't hear you.

What a bitch.

You can hear me, getcha?

Yeah.

What?

I can't hear you.

I'm a Dracula.

All right, let's continue here.

You said it was a Dracula.

Okay.

A Dracula.

My leg braces are scraping up my coffin.

This is why I thought about not doing a show because of the coughing.

Oh, I think it works.

It's a mess

Okay

Here's a nursery supply place

That means they got flowers

And nice white people

They got babies

They got cabbage patch dolls there

Let me make up a story about cabbage patch

I put two of those in my hallway

They were shining

I had a buddy watch shining

Hello

She picked up and she heard you say that

Sorry

sorry no she's stupid i'm gonna tell her i'm trying to tell her how stupid she is

thank you for calling our normal business hours our monday truth really we'll try her later maybe

i had a good idea you know we don't want to do any business we're fucking stupid fuck that place

all right boy you heard something a little odd so you just hang up the phone and don't pick up

anymore you don't even like oh my god i'm just i'm not even dealing with it i'm just not gonna

deal with it i work here too hard and i've worked here for too long to deal with these little shit

how does some fucking woman get if i ever did that any job i've ever had i will get in trouble

because yeah you know someone else would pick up and i'd be like yeah they'd be like oh you know

that carlos guy just hung up okay i can't imagine even doing that yeah i heard you talking about

but you don't have any love in your life.

And I just stare at the phone like,

I'm just not going to do it.

I'm already dealing with my goddamn son dropped out of high school,

and he's shacked up with that nigger lady.

Oh, God.

All right.

Here's advanced leak detection.

And then we'll try her again and rail on her.

What is it?

Advanced leak detection.

Do you get that?

They're not regular.

Hey, there's a god-awful smell in here.

Okay.

Yeah, can you send one of the leak detectors down,

install a leak detector, and tell me where the coordinates are of the leak?

Let me pull leaks.

I think that's not what you're talking about, right?

Yeah, but you have leak detection supplies, damn it.

Is there a man I can talk to?

No, I guess not.

I'm just going to hang up, too.

How do these places stay in business?

Matt, you tell her.

If she picks up, you ask her.

Okay.

My fucking pool's leaking, stupid.

I'll fix it.

I think I could easily.

a leaf. That's a business. You know where

the leaf is? Follow the water,

dumb shit.

Oh, it's this hole in the side

of your pool. Dude, now she

again, not gonna pick up.

Hey, leaf detecting broad.

Stupid, stupid woman.

How do you have a business

with leaf detection? It's coming

out the fucking hole where the water

is. I use a lot of food coloring.

You just need to look at the

side of the goddamn above ground

pool. Hey, the leaf's right here.

give me a hundred bucks there's your problem right there yeah looks like it's the caping hole in the

side you see that you know when you drove your car through the fucking side of the thing there

that's the problem this nursery i'm trying to call leak detection again because i'm pissed off

you know how hard this job is trying and i'm lucky just to have it all right here's the nursery

game which got us in all in this really bad poor mood being hung up on by women where they were

you know i wonder you want to talk to the man wow they switched over to it do it old

they went over to their service the fucking co good morning yes hi i called there earlier

and what happened that you didn't say anything uh i don't know sir i guess the phone hung up

by accident how can i try to help no you actually stared at the phone for a while you actually

i you i was like hello hello and i could hear you just looking at the phone i heard all the

the things you were doing and then you hung it up and then i called a second time and you wouldn't

even answer i don't know sir i guess my phone i guess uh maybe the maybe the cordless was on i

don't know how can i try to help it wasn't that it was on because i could hear you okay how can

i try to help you sir i i apologize how can i try to help you this morning yeah i just i just

wanted to point out that's real that's a stupid mistake you know you said you apologized for a

A fucking cordless phone did, you dumb fucking cunt.

You said you didn't do it.

The cordless phone must have done this.

I'm sorry, sir.

I'm sorry.

It was the cordless phone.

I thought you were going to take that.

That would have been a good one for you, Matt.

Yeah, I'm good at yelling at people.

Is that them again?

Yep.

You just fucking cunt.

I've had it up to here with the likes of you people.

Here are the business hours again?

Yeah, probably.

Because the cordless isn't.

Obviously, something happened.

You know, it's not me.

just being a stupid cunt and staring

at the phone. Alright, we'll call her in a few more minutes.

Like, do you think the dotted lines

went out of her phone like an old

Bonzo cartoon? Yeah.

Dot, dot, dot.

And, like, shocked, and then the lines come

out around her head, like,

I really do think

I really do, I just, like, I finally called

someone out on that bullshit, like, yeah.

Like, sir, all you did is you didn't

say nothing, you held the phone, and you, like,

you know.

ah you're fucking stupid you're all like stupid all right here's someone else what is this i uh

oh dude when i went to the store earlier i was bringing my my 12 pack of fucking uh powders

yeah and the one ripped open and listen i went there and you were just sitting there like

you know i went there and i needed help and you yourself were just sitting there at the reference

like you know like not helping out at all not doing anything okay i apologize for that you're

doing it now you're still doing this to be just sitting there waste of time i need listen uh

calculate the average amount of rainfall in inches for the month of september for the year of 2010

please so specifically for the year 2010 yes and for which area for the state of florida the entire

higher state of florida yes state average compare that with the rate of temperature average high

temperature increase in the month of september with me i can only do one of those searches at

a time no but i need you to it needs to be on the graph together you need me to make a graph yep i

do i'm sorry you actually have to come in to do that we can help you but you would have to know

this is the reference that listen i paid taxes that pays your salary and this is the damn reference

desk at the library i need this is answer number 13 on my quiz my table i'm sorry but it's not

something that i can actually make for you that would actually take some time if you were willing

to come in then we can definitely help you out i don't have that much time i'd rather just come

pick it up well i'm sorry i that's not something that i can do you're at the reference desk you're

supposed to do this hello come on honey i'm sorry that's not something i can do and if you do not

control your attitude i'm sorry i won't be able to assist you any further these damn you know

they're trying to uh they're one they want to take my scholarship away and everything i'm gonna

gonna have to go to a community college well i'm sorry but you have been verbally abusive to

library staff and have violated our customer code of conduct we are no longer able to serve you

yeah staff and name only well i apologize staff infection for the loose you got it in your pussy

lips the whole thing's a rot she was she was cool she was gonna do it till i started yeah

dude oh but the fucking deer like caught in between my tire wheel thing and the wheelchair

and it gouged a big fucking hole in it and the whole pounder went out on the like marble floor

and i'm like sorry i felt like some dickhead do you know where the the leak is on it uh it ripped

the whole can there you like pour it all the way out yeah i needed a linkedin yeah i'm just saying

Right here, this hole.

That's the problem.

See?

all right you're great for that job you should really try out for for that place

Yeah, I could be a legal detective

Yeah, we'd call him at 10 in the morning

Call him at 10 in the morning

And tell him that you did just that right now

With the beer

So you drink it

I didn't know where it came from

Alright

Who did we call earlier that we wanted to call

The nursery

Nick, were you one of the doctors

Yeah, I wanted you to rail on her too

Because I already said my part

heart you know okay i'll give her hell i gave her hell or i gave her shit already um i gotta find

it though first where the fuck was it looking all over the map here dishes these motherfucking

dishes the food that rested on you must have been delicious there's a library the gymnastic school

i got some copenhagen pouches in the mail i saw that from like europe or something

no the general snooze from europe uh this place is a it's a swiss place but i think i they have

a distributor in the u.s and you know being i'm a cripple and the 7-eleven around here has a little

fucking like little curb it's like this big going into it well i guess you're allowed to say that

because you yes are a cripple a cripple i guess you can get away with that now um fuck dude let

Let me look at my history here.

What was it called?

I could tell you.

It was something nursery.

It had a stupid name.

Hell, it was something really stupid, yeah.

Anybody in the chat remember what she said the name was?

Because fucking...

Is it the one that ends in A2?

We could try.

That ends in 4-4.

Probably, it's one of those, right?

Should be.

Let me go to...

Because I typed crickets before that, so that was the...

Scraping into the closet

That's the closet blade

Wow I wasn't looking at those at all

Thank you

Thanks Aligba very nice

Alright Matt do it this is your turn now

That's nuts it's fucking

Oh the end

Jesus fucking Christ

You're a stupid bra

Hey shit for brains

She hung up already

Are you mad at the whole world

It sounds like they're saying six flags

yeah it is six flags i knew it was something kind of stupid six flags how dare she seriously i want

to go to six flags if anybody wants to take a cripple and push me around we won't have to wait

in line you know cripples can't get in front of the line at disney anymore they just pass that

rule which is bullshit because i i just heard about that on the news i was gonna bring that up

yeah i haven't grown up in orlando we used to rent a wheelchair without needing it we did that all

the time in the 90s like my you know we'd trade we'd uh you know trade uh time spots you know on

the wheelchairs we had to walk everywhere someone could push us and we just had to act like we were

crippled so you didn't have to be in line they just you go in through the exit of every ride

yeah so awesome not anymore and you get the best seats in all the shows you're always like either

like right in the middle or and or right in front it was so fucking awesome everyone was so nice

not anymore everyone's so nice to me they hold open doors and they're like how are you doing

today, sir.

I'm a fucking scumbag.

I'm here to buy my beer

at 7.30 in the morning.

All right, let's talk to

the United Cerebral Palsy Machine

and ask about that then.

Let's mock different handicaps.

Can I hate other handicaps?

Yeah, you hate on others.

You should.

I've reached a number

that has been disconnected.

It's no longer in service.

All right.

Let's try that to Ministries

because that reminds me

of that crazy black guy

with the dreads that yells

with mystical playing in the background oh the the no like the back hair just yeah yeah

yeah he's back like you little fat faggot yeah i know i'm subscribed um because he like he just

always screaming his cell phone yeah it's like you motherfuckers you fat faggot yeah he's the

guy that was the angry preacher yeah where the one guy said he was the devil and he was arguing

with him he's a fucking trip yeah i'm subscribed to really yeah this guy anyway his videos are

called spirit of truth and that was a church called spirit of truth so i was gonna see if

then i guess they probably figured it out because they're out of business they called the co take

us off the 5ess switch we're no longer relevant we're not dealing with anyone yeah uh let's see

Wow, this tobacco makes me all buzzy.

Just chewing it like that?

Yeah.

Wow.

Shit.

Awesome.

Yeah, it is.

I put like six of them in and then I whack off.

It's like doing a rail of cocaine.

Wow.

Okay.

Very cool.

Here's metal products.

Let's see what they got going on over there with the metal.

Do they got any Judas Priest?

Yeah.

You did that recently.

That was pretty funny.

Yeah.

I'm not sure.

Try that.

He is the painkiller, pain, painkiller.

Am I talking to him?

Hey, do you have any Judas Priest there?

What are you doing?

Did you put the phone in your pants so I'm talking to your junk now?

What are you doing?

He put you in a McDonald's wrapper, I think.

He's like, fuck this guy, and he puts you in a Subway wrapper.

He just puts you on the desk.

his desk drawer i'm gonna keep him connected fuck this guy hey fuck you guy i'll keep you

connected waste your minutes i'm trying to make a connection dude i was laying and i was pissing

at my urinal bottle this morning and i had it at such an angle i didn't know but i'm pissing

and it's like running out so i got up and i'm like the front of my g is so wet the couch is

Now I'm in a McDonald's.

Seriously, that's what it's all about.

We worked too hard in this metal manufacturing plant bullshit.

Right down the street, here's another metal.

Well, it's the Sheet Metal Workers.

I don't know if it's the same people or I think.

It's a union hall, probably.

It is actually the union office, it looks like.

So let's complain.

About them being jerks in that other place.

The guy was supposed to be in the union, right?

I don't know.

For Brian McDowell, 315.

Hey, is that Big Fat Brian?

How you doing?

What's going on, man?

Hey, fat man.

This is Fat Sheet Metal Brian, right?

Who's this?

This is Cross.

I was just talking to Wayne Metal Products, you know, down the street.

No.

They're right down the street from you.

They're the metal boys, you know?

Anyway, they said they'd give you a call.

From Wayne Metal Products?

Yeah, they wrapped me up inside of, like, a Subway sandwich wrapper, and they put me under a desk.

They wrapped me.

I was talking to the guy at Wayne Metal Products, and he wrapped me up in this, like, sandwich wrapper.

He put me in the sandwich wrapper, and he put me under his desk.

They're right down the street on the same street you're on.

Yeah, you want me to call them?

I can connect a guy.

I'll connect a guy if you don't believe me.

Don't be like that, all right?

Yeah, but you know what I mean, don't be like that, right?

You don't need to be like that kind of thing.

Who is this?

This is Cross.

This is Big Cross.

I have a complaint about them.

They said if I had a complaint, they'd call you.

I'm trying to connect them to figure it out, but their phone line is busy now.

They left it because they put me in a sandwich wrapper, you understand?

No.

I don't either.

So what's for lunch?

You want to go to the, what's that Jew Deli?

You know the one I'm talking about?

You want to go to the Jew Deli?

I'll get you some pastrami sandwich.

you eat like two or three of them you big fuck don't you that's what they were telling me that

you like a horse okay i'm stupid what was his name again bob what was it big brian big fat brian

he's doing the two now he's all like

it's so crazy that she's willing to help you after that he's going to the jew diner on his

zone now he just left he just he just left walking that library lady had her shit in order

yeah well i'm sorry about that sir what can i help you with she was gonna do that research for

me until i yeah told her to put it in a graph form and i just needed it uh united theater

machine here we go i think it's a movie theater if that's the case that might suck because it

might just be like an automated thing automated the show times no one does that anymore though

all right movie theaters can't be doing you know the show yeah they do that's a waste i can't

imagine people really check it out well it's just leave a message like go online or check the app

there's weird people that like don't go online all day like uh oh fuck them i know like my weird

cousin quirky doesn't have a connection yeah it's probably that's because i have internet

yeah well he met no he doesn't have it last time he had it he met a fucking polish girl and married

and she fucked him over

and claimed domestic abuse.

F-shit.

Well, I guess it's true.

How do these places stay in order

and fucking business?

Well, it's a movie theater and it's 10.40 a.m.

Yeah, but then it should have went to the thing

to fucking say the goddamn show hours.

That's what I'm telling you.

No one does that anymore.

You think they get on every once a week

to do that shit?

Yeah.

Forget it.

No.

I don't care.

You can at least call movie phone

if you don't have the internet

and then you call movie phone.

I'll call another movie theater and see if it just goes to an automated thing.

All right.

Let's see.

Was that Marcus?

Or which one was that?

What?

Sir Marcus.

He's in the pornography, isn't he?

Yeah, I didn't want to say the name so you didn't have to edit it out.

I'm looking it up.

Look it up.

I'm looking for another movie theater here.

Here's a Blockbuster Express with a phone number.

That must be their national number.

Blockbuster Express.

It's like a red box, but it's owned by a Blockbuster.

Yeah, you're calling the machine.

You're going to get your old dial-up modem and connect to it.

I guess.

I don't know.

That's why I came up.

Phone number for that.

Don't get mad at me.

I don't want no trouble, sir.

I don't want any trouble, man.

I really don't want no trouble.

All right.

Here's the one, the bitch, that we're going to call this one here.

This is a movie theater I used to go to all the time when I was first in college.

and you're gonna see if it in fact does the automated thing i figured a bunch of girls in

this movie theater let's call them and ask them about that you did a bunch of girls i think we're

a bunch of girls there oh nice yeah that's a broad whack whack me off theaters yeah it was

like 19 20 21 yeah i did that one time i'm like watching the killer getting whacked off in the

theater trying to think i know that happened private ryan that happened i've still never

never seen that because i'm not a fucking fag thank you for calling regal cinemas no one is

available to take your call right now too early man and we'll return your call as soon as i didn't

do it where is it hey talk about the finger bang in there i'll call them balance if i'm gonna give

that that's a lot of work effort to talk about unless there's a real person i want a real person

here's the alarm it's called a zomic society oh oh yeah yeah that could be like i don't want to

deal with the problem i just don't want to deal with you gotta hate crime shit you got possibly

getting killed definitely get tapped yeah tap that ass yo yeah all right that's what's up your

shoe land that's what's up we should call that guy yeah that's what's up that's what's up that

was that rapper right that you guys called or something yeah flip side flip side i'm gonna

look for his number in the meantime i'll call shoe land uh great land it sounds like a terrible

place to live yeah it does it smells like fucking shoes and socks here jeffrey flip side baker

yeah listen i heard that you're all right so you're called shoe land right

Okay, stupid, you know

Oh, because it went there

And it smelled like dirty socks

And sweaty socks and Puerto Ricans

And shit like that, you know

Yeah, I'm not Puerto Rican

I'm the manager

It's my first day working here

So why are you calling me stupid?

Wow, you're the manager the first day, stupid?

Yeah

Have a good day, bye-bye

Run away

I got this guy's number

I got Flipside's number right here

I'm the manager and I'm not Puerto Rican

And this is my first day.

You have three lies listed.

Three lies.

I'm the manager.

I'm not Puerto Rican.

This is my first day.

Three lies right there.

Let me call her back, see if she answers.

You're going to her.

That's busy.

Let me call the Payless Shoe Store in the same plot.

Hey, I put Flip Live side in there.

Flip Live side?

Okay, the guy.

I didn't hear it.

Oh, dude, it was priceless.

I just heard the comments about it, but I didn't hear it.

yeah i'll let you i will let me do this first and then i'll connect them but you talk to him okay

i'm gonna get her brew fine too sexy how may i help you hey sexy how you doing hi yeah i was you

know that shoe land just right around the way there yeah yeah you know i called her you know

who that puerto rican nasty woman is that works there no yeah well she said that she could kick

your ass she said who is this this is eddie i went down there first right and she said i couldn't

try on shoes without socks and i said they let me do that at payless all the time and she said

you know screw that beach she said she said about you she said screw that beach and she said that

she would kick your ass she said that if you were there she'd kick your ass is this like a print

call or something no no it's serious i'm in the parking lot now a parking lot of what i'm gonna

go to the walmart now but she's a shoe land this puerto rican woman she said she was gonna she was

She's like, I said, they let me try on shoes that pay less right over there without socks all the time.

And she's like, you know, that's disgusting.

And she said, and screw that beach, that beach that works there.

That's right now, she said.

She said about you.

You know who she is?

Why does she not like you?

I don't know, but you have a good rest of your day.

No, don't go.

Okay, goodbye.

No, please!

Did she say have a good yesterday?

Have a good rest of your day.

Oh, I thought yesterday to have a good time, have fun time traveling.

What a bitch.

What a beach, like I said.

Is this what's up?

No, it isn't.

This is the shoe landing game.

No, she took it off the whole...

The dotted lines are looking at the phone.

I'm going to tell her the three lies real quick.

Hello, can I help you?

Listen, three lies.

You're not Puerto Rican.

You're the manager, and it's your first day today.

Three lies right there.

Excuse me, well, do you have some problems?

Yeah, with you.

Yeah, I want...

What happened?

I don't know why you're acting with your attitude.

Because you people say I can't try on shoes without socks.

Stupid.

You can try the shoes.

Without socks on.

Come on, have a good day.

Respect me if you want to respect me.

Have a wonderful day.

Bye-bye.

No, respect.

Respect me if you want to respect me.

Have a good day.

Bye-bye, papi.

Beautiful quote.

Respect me if you want to respect me.

All right.

So I'm going to call this guy.

I should be the guy.

Yeah, for sure.

All right.

And after this, it's water break.

Water break, guys.

Water break.

i need water what i'll flip my flip side h2o brick that's uh you get your big water dick

you think he will answer oh what is that what kind of stupid numbers that guys that was a weird

fucking thing what happened we'll even call a target and try to make a wireless keyboard how

about that dude i can't that was two weeks in the making and like two hours what is that busy like

like that on a celly i don't know man does that mean he's like finally got smart and changed it

because they put it they put them in like casual encounters like i'm just giving out free blowjobs

here's all my info holy shit yeah you guys really fucked them up huh oh dude and i'm telling them i

was like there's a whole chat room people and here's your number again saying his phone number

and i was like y'all please make ads please fuck this guy over because he was a dick he fucking

ruined the call at target but in retrospect it was probably better wait a minute was he someone

you were pranking and you kept on or just someone yeah i kept him kept him on the phone and it was

the target and this guy was stupider than the first guy and uh and he started saying shit like

like fucking freestyling and like you done fucked up stupid here comes the hammer what an asshole

no seriously what an ass yeah plus you guys were talking when uh everything you were saying was

going over the air so just in case something bad i just i just disconnected you guys real quick

yeah well i told you you guys were gonna hear like you guys are not gonna hear anything

thing but i thought you we were just like not away you know no you're all right don't worry

about uh i got some crackers so i can talk with uh food in my mouth here's here's uh air care

ear care ear care it's all about neti pots going to your ears and your nose oh no wait it's eye

eye care i went to i saw an eye doctor in the fucking hospital and the guy just like checked

me all out and shit and he's like well you know the problem with ms is it likes to go in for the

ocular nerves um great you can come see me at my office in a couple months if you want

cha-ching so basically he got a referral for a new yeah new car yeah nothing he didn't help

I mean, he's like, where are the eye patches?

All right, well.

Well, that was good.

I ate a cracker for nothing.

Cracker, cracker.

Who's got the cracker?

There's a liquor store.

Liquor?

I hardly knew her.

Seminole liquor.

That's like, that's the, but you don't have to take my word for it.

You know what?

In the new, I really, I really hope on the new Robocop movie, they keep, they bring

Bring back the whole, I got, what was it?

I'd buy that for a dollar.

Yeah, they got to bring that.

It's got to be like Jack Black or something.

The movie looks so stupid.

He's got his fucking regular arm and shit, man.

It looks so dumb.

Hey, was that liquor?

I hardly know her, you know?

We're doing okay.

How are you?

No, I said I hardly know her.

I get it.

Because you liquor, you know?

That's all I got for you.

That's all I got for you, asshole.

Okay for you.

I told you, nothing else.

Okay.

Asshole.

Hey, can you run a movie to the red box for me?

No.

All right.

That's all I got then.

But you don't have to take my word for it.

Ba-da-da.

You know?

Whatever.

All right.

China Walk.

I'm going to have to end this soon because I'm just, I don't know.

It's cool.

I just opened a beer, faggot.

Sorry.

You can keep going on.

You can do telephone calls.

I can't call.

I can only call the UK.

Oh, that sucks.

China Walk.

Can I have you?

Yeah, I heard you guys are like the worst Chinese food.

Say that again?

I heard that you guys were, like, really bad Chinese food.

Like, it was, like, the worst.

Okay, so what are you calling from?

What are you regarding from?

I was thinking about making order, but is that true?

Yeah.

That you guys are bad?

Is that the answer you want?

No.

Okay, so what do you want?

I want the true answer.

Happy, sir.

This business is ours.

One number 12?

Number 12, lunch?

Uh-huh.

One chicken 44?

No.

Is that chicken bargaining?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, soda or soup?

soup uh soup egg drop soup yes sir the next owner ah sit here um um you got fried wonton

yeah the one with the meat or with the cream cheese meat i got two different meat because

the cream cheese is crab rangoon right yeah yeah you want fried one time i got it yeah my bad my

bad uh steamed dumplings okay how long will that be okay steamed dumpling fried wonton and the

The chicken bargaining luncheon special with a pork pie and an egg drop soup.

Are you going to come and pick it up?

Yep.

What number?

What's your phone number?

9386.

Okay.

9386, right?

Uh-huh.

9386.

Okay.

You say you're going to come and pick it up.

Yep.

Is that who?

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

Yeah, buddy.

He's got 666 in his number.

No, no, no.

You say you're going to come and pick it up, right?

Yeah, I'll pick it up.

Thank you.

See you. Bye.

You meek little feminine Asian.

Don't call him back and cancel

because he looks like he's a hothead.

Dude.

Okay.

How the fuck did he take that order

after all that bullshit?

It's because you got 666 in your number.

That's kind of dope.

Let's call a phone number from when I was a kid.

One of my friend's phone numbers.

I doubt it still works.

Do you want me to remind you about that number?

To call back and cancel?

Will you try my old house in Texas?

Yeah, please remind me.

Make a note.

Put that on the big board there for China Walk.

He's got a dryer race.

Please leave your message for back.

Number I said.

Whatever.

It's transferings.

I doubt that person's phone number anymore.

Anyway, yeah, we'll cancel that order after it's been made.

We're going to go down the street here a little further to these medical offices down here.

Let's call them.

I think this is my old house phone number.

Okay.

Let's see who's got it down.

I was throwing potted plants

through their giant

bay windows when I ran away

and went back there.

Nobody should be in my house.

The guy came out with a shotgun with it

and this broad heather is driving me away

and I'm not in the car.

I'm getting dragged.

I'm holding out with my hand.

I'm like, fucking stop.

She's like, oh, it's the guy with the shotgun.

I did it like three times.

Okay.

um good thing you're still alive hey good morning it's a great listen it's not a great day it's a

shit yes it is it's a shit day oh really i'm so pissed off you know i keep waiting for you people

to fix the dishwasher and these dogs keep taking a shit and piss everywhere i was just outside

walking and i took a step in this bunch of dog shit um and the fucking okay hold on a second

what's and what's your name the fucking ducks are stuck on the water fountain again the what

The fucking ducks are stuck in the water fountain

behind the main office again.

Okay, what's your name?

Eddie.

Who?

Eddie.

What apartment are you in?

Um, I forgot.

312.

312?

Yeah, that's the one.

What's your name?

Eddie.

Who?

Eddie, Eddie.

I just stay on the couch.

I give rent to the guys,

and I'm not on the lease or anything like that.

You're not on the lease, so what's your name?

Okay, and you're from 312,

and you're complaining about what?

The fucking ducks.

The ducks?

Yeah, they're stuck in the fucking water fountain in the lake.

Okay, you need to watch your language, the way you talk, okay?

God, you are real pissed off here, honey, baby.

I understand that.

I love it.

What?

Listen.

Shut up, I said.

And then this.

Such as semen.

Westinghouse.

Such as semen.

Semen.

We are only a few minutes away from the Orlando International.

This is Janine.

How can I help you?

Oh, girl, how you doing, big fat Janine?

Hello?

I'm sorry, who is this?

Hey, big girl, how you doing?

You're the one big girl that works over there in the office, right?

You're a freak.

Goodbye.

Fat girls don't like being called fat.

Fuck that bitch.

She is a big girl.

I know who she is.

Well, try that 817 number, please.

Okay, who was it again?

That was your...

It's my old house.

It was back in the day.

I think that's the number.

I don't know.

We'll find out.

All right, give me a second.

Oh, wait a minute.

It sounds right in my brain, but, you know, I'm covered in lesions.

One, seven, three, four, two.

Well, don't give it out.

Everyone's going to hear it.

Oh, whatever.

They can call it.

What do I give a shit?

Anyway, here it is.

Good luck.

You're doing it.

Thank you.

I'm Commander Twit reporting for duty.

I'm sorry.

You have reached a number that has been disconnected.

ah you didn't pay it you didn't pay it so fucking cunt dude the first time i ever smoked crack i

walked all the way over there and just sat in the backyard and like i used to live here this is wild

and did you throw the pot of plant and all that shit or no i did like later but this time i just

sat there and like hung around i'm like it sucks i don't live here no more wild uh but then i used

I did the potted plants because they put it back out.

And they were, like, big-ass bay windows, you know, with a bunch of the little windows.

And then so they took the plants inside after the second time.

So it went to, like, up the street and got one and then drove over there with it

and put that one through the window.

And that's when he came out with the shotgun.

Interesting.

Like, he had been waiting.

He was in boxers and, like, a wife-beater shirt.

He's, like, an older, like, kind of fat guy.

No, you can't do stuff like that anymore, huh?

No.

Well, I can do it.

I can roll and do it.

I think I need a motorized sheriff's, okay?

All right.

Hey, Scuba Place, I think we should do that before we cancel the Chinese order.

Yeah, Scuba.

Wow, you hear that banging?

Yeah, what's that?

Your neighbor?

No, it's like out in the street.

They were filming Transformers 4.

There's been, like, helicopters all around here, like, stupid crazy.

Wow.

I want to talk to Scuba Steve.

Dude, it's like shaking the floor.

I can feel it vibrating with every impact.

Oh, man.

You should be down there.

Doing what?

Make it off like I know what's going on?

Yeah.

Like, yeah, you guys, you ought to be moved to the left.

Tell them you're Megatron.

I think there's some kind of construction.

Goddamn, do those Transform movies suck.

I don't know if I was being too loud in the last prank I heard.

Either maintenance came in here to change the air conditioner

And heard me saying a bunch of weird shit

Or the neighbor just banged on the floor

On the ceiling for me to be quiet

Or something fell

It might have been the cats

I think the cats just jumped out

You need all the Chinese food

I think it's time

Yeah thanks

Appreciate it

You're pretty fucking awesome

I know

He's smart man

Oh thanks

say oh thanks try to compliment you dickhead i know yeah i'm kind of a big fucking deal i know

i'm awesome yeah thanks matt hey buddy i made that order a little bit ago pick with delivery

i'll pick up okay uh would you like to have something to it is it ready yet the chicken

barbecue eggs are still fucking dumplings yeah one second button

Button, button.

Who's got the button?

Ready.

It's like all packed up and everything?

It's in a bag and everything?

The stapled paper bag?

Yeah, it's in a bag.

Okay.

Yeah, I want to cancel that, please.

Cancel it?

Yeah, I don't like Chinese food.

Yeah.

Okay.

I don't like Chinese food, yeah.

I don't like Chinese...

I don't like Chinese people.

Because, I don't know.

But look at the way you're talking to me.

Why would I come down there?

Listen, if you want, just come over.

If you want to pray, just come over.

Face to face, son.

What are you going to do?

I'm asking you, what are you going to do?

You get hurt.

He told you to get out of here, then he told you to come over.

Yeah, right.

Just come over.

You call me in the morning and tell me all kinds of bullshit.

Now I'm putting everything ready.

Then you're going to cancel that?

What the hell are you fucking doing?

I don't like Chinese people.

I don't like Chinese food.

Hey, what do you want me to do?

Okay, how much is the total?

The total, okay?

If you come over, I'll do you fucking free.

You want to do that?

For free?

Yeah.

Okay.

No, thanks.

Remember, my name's Kevin, okay?

I'm the first guy to see you while I'm here.

You're the stupid

emigrant Cameron.

Your name isn't Cameron.

Dude, he's up.

He's riled up, man.

He blew up.

That was awesome.

He was so like, yes, sir.

You go away.

You come here.

Keep that number.

I don't like Chinese people.

I don't like Chinese food.

I just realized

I don't like Chinese food. Sorry.

Yeah.

You think you would have known when I first started the first call

where I was asking if this place was shitty or not?

And all he saw was, like, the 30-cent profit he was going to make for the food.

Oh, yeah.

He called that one when he said he was going to get mad.

Yeah, you called him a hothead.

Yeah, that's right.

That's awesome.

All right.

Let me try calling back.

Fuck it.

Hey, Nygma, you want to talk to him?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Don't be mad like that, okay?

So what are you doing at this one?

Why I'll come in and I'll pay

It doesn't matter okay, so you didn't make it you're not supposed to you're not supposed to doing people like this way, okay?

You didn't make it back to you. Why did you do that to me? Did you make the food or no stupid shit?

What happened?

Then I'm coming in to buy it asshole. Why are you so bad, huh?

And then I'm gonna punch you right in the face. I'm gonna throw the food on you

Okay, go why don't you just take a shit in the food and then you

Goes to a milk for the win.

I don't know.

That's a Japanese shit-eating video.

Ew.

But, yeah, that's him.

He, for a minute, he was like, why do you do this?

You don't do that to people.

He was like, I was feeling bad.

Like, you know what?

He was like, oh, fuck no.

And I'm like, no, he is a fucking idiot.

Do I want what?

My number?

You're going to save that number?

Did you say that?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

How old he is?

Anyone have the number of that Indian guy that got so furious?

Did you hear that?

I did.

You weren't on, but yeah.

It's right at the three-hour mark of Sprays' show from two weekends ago.

Yeah.

He was so furious.

Yeah, he was.

He was.

And with good reason.

I'm just saying.

I've never heard somebody so angry.

This guy right now came close.

Yeah, he's pretty close.

but it's because it's super early over there so that was probably the first call of the day and

he made the food he's all had a little spring in his step you know he's gonna go home he's gonna

tell the wife like you know what why did we fucking come to america why did we come to this

fucking town people are assholes you try to cook them nice food and all they do is shit on you

yeah i know exactly this part of it and it's it's fucking it's a bunch of assholes

china man it's full of douchebags it stinks like the rat eating fucking people now i'm looking for

this i'm going through you know back in time here because i'm uh hitting up spots from when i was

younger i'm trying to find there was this one did you ever go to the amway arena back in the day

yeah hell yeah all the time i used to go to magic games there all the time yeah yeah man

I've watched videos of guys going in the tunnels beneath it

and getting in there and through the sewer drains.

Oh, it's gone now.

They blew it up now, though.

Well, it was a couple years back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they announced the Amway Center.

It's a really nice arena they got there that they replaced it with.

It's really fucking cool.

And then they imploded that.

Anyway, I'm looking here.

This is the worst Chinese buffet I ever went to.

I went there.

And that's pretty bad

because Chinese buffets are stupid.

Yeah, but I went...

Fat white people.

Oh, God, you love that N-word, man.

You're crazy.

I'm sorry. I don't want to get your show

in trouble.

I'll call them black clouds.

You're the one saying it, not me.

Anyway, what I'm getting at is

this fucking place.

I went to get some fried rice

from the fried rice thing.

Chicken fried rice?

well the house fried rice and the whole the whole rice the whole square of rice that was in the

steam tray came up with the spoon when i pulled it out i was like that is fucking disgusting okay

and yeah uh they got shut down a few times i was there once before that and some white guy was like

yeah i ain't gonna pay because i guess he came in between lunch and dinner and they charge a

different price for dinner and he's like i didn't yeah i'm gonna pay and he goes yeah i saw you

you guys were in the newspaper again huh you guys got shut down again and the guy's like no be quiet

do not say he's like yeah i saw that but then i was sick it's like why the fuck would you go there

if you knew that he doesn't give a shit yeah fucking asshole oh man this is are you like

are you doing a google map like around your old stomach grounds yeah yeah yeah that's what i'm

doing uh i do that and i look at how far i used to skate and i'm like god damn i was an active

Good little fucker.

I went all the way out to Bedbrook Lake.

That looks hard.

You were in shape back then, huh?

Oh, yeah.

All right, so I found the location, but I don't...

Oh, here it is, Hong Kong Buffet.

There we go.

Hong Kong Buffet.

There's probably like 52 of them with the same name,

but there's probably China first, a few of those.

Yeah, we got Hong Kong.

I've never heard of anything being called Hong Kong.

I've never heard of a Hong Kong restaurant.

Well, now you do.

Yeah.

You probably got really good Asian food in Chicago, just to guess.

Well, last time I went to Chinatown, I got mixed because the place didn't serve beer.

So we went to another place and got beer.

You're at the White Tarrant.

I'm like, I have the fucking shakes, goddammit.

I need beer.

Hey, listen, you guys are the worst buffet.

You're the bad worst buffet.

All right.

It felt good to say that.

I'm still pissed off because you didn't give me my money back when the rice came up like that.

It's a giant cube of rice.

It's disgusting.

It's a giant cube of yellow fucking...

I don't know if it was frozen still or what the fuck.

Or just it was sitting there like two days or whatever it was.

Yeah, whatever.

Put it on the steam thing again.

You know what?

Leave it overnight.

It's a failure tomorrow.

Luckily, it was the first...

I always go for the rice first because, you know,

it's make a nice little bed of rice and then I put stuff on top of it.

Yeah, and then you put shit on top.

Yeah.

So, yeah, the guy didn't want to give my money back.

no no you pay i'm like look at the fucking rice i can't think of the last time i ate chinese food

i didn't eat when i went to the place i still just wanted more beer i wanted to be back the

other day hey pendeja how are you hi hi who's this this is joe joe joe white king of joe white

huh speak english please no i command you there's a bodega down the street

joe mama why'd you say that's the last name joe white joe joe mama

this fucking plaza so ghetto hello hey buddy how are you hello hey buddy how are you

hello hello how are you stupid hi good good listen i was i was there there was this puerto

Puerto Rican woman?

Puerto Rico?

There was a Puerto Rican woman over there.

No.

No?

Oh, there was no Puerto Rican woman there?

Nope.

Okay, perfect.

All right, bye.

Bye.

Stupid.

I don't have patience for that.

No, there was no...

No, no.

There was no Puerto Rican woman at Bravo Supermarket in Orlando.

Sure.

Puerto Rico.

Whoa.

Black people.

Whoa.

For those of you who follow the Casey Anthony story, here's the Amscot where she left her car.

Casey Anthony, what's that about?

Some chick with tits that killed her baby or something like that.

Oh, the baby killer.

Yeah, that was all over the stupid news I heard.

I was in a hospital when I was in the news.

Fuck the news.

I watched my laptop the whole time.

This is the what?

Amscot, the money superstore.

The ghetto bank.

I don't know what it is.

Like a credit union?

No, you get your check cashed there and pay all your bills.

Oh, a check cash.

I'm not going to help you.

You charge like 30% to cash my check.

I'm sorry, sir?

You charged me like 30.

I was down there.

There was this Puerto Rican man.

He said, hey, man, I'll charge you 30% in a cashier check, he said.

We don't charge 30% for no check, sir.

That's against the law.

Well, exactly.

I tried to tell him, and he said it didn't matter that he was Puerto Rican, and it didn't matter.

Okay.

That's why he said that he was Puerto Rican, and it didn't matter.

What's your name?

Ruben.

Uh-huh.

R-U-B-E-N?

Yeah.

Puerto Rican, huh?

Does that matter?

I'm putting that in my report right here because I think it was you.

Okay.

Unless there's another Puerto Rican person there that it could be.

It doesn't matter the race.

I mean, we have here, we don't charge that amount for no checks.

You told me that you charge it because you're Puerto Rican and you do what you want.

You said that.

Okay, am I speaking to?

I'm putting down Ruben says he charges 30%.

Sir, who am I speaking to?

This is Joe White.

Joe White?

Okay, sir.

Unless you have anything relevant to do right now because right now we don't charge any

checks for 30%.

Yeah, but I'm reporting that you did.

Okay, can I get your social then so I can look you up on the system and I can see your transaction?

Can I get your last name?

No, can I get your social?

No.

You see, I'm putting that down.

Ruben tried to steal my social security number.

All right, sir, does this have to do anything relevant?

I have a customer right now.

If you want me to help you out, I can help you out.

I need to look at your account so you can get me your social, okay?

What was your customer's name?

I can see what was it that we tried.

What's the customer's name?

I'm sorry?

What's the customer's name?

Sir, that has nothing to do with your transaction.

Is it a man or a woman?

Sir, I'm the manager of the store, and if you need me to help you out, I need you to give me your social.

If not, there's nothing I can do for you.

Okay, it's 407-38...

That's not a social.

Yes, it is.

That's a phone number.

I haven't given you the whole thing yet.

Okay.

407.

Okay, I don't have that customer in the account.

You didn't even look it up.

All right, sir, I'm busy right now with the customer.

It doesn't come up that fast.

It doesn't come up that fast on the computer.

Sir, I'm busy with the customer.

Can I help you in anything else within the matter that you're doing right now?

Mm-hmm.

I needed your last name.

Sir, I don't have your social in my system right here,

so therefore we didn't cash your check, too.

Give me your social.

Come on, man.

I'll give you part of mine.

I'll give you the last four.

Sir, this doesn't have anything relevant to do.

I have to finish taking care of the customer that I am right now,

so when you do have anything relevant for me,

please call me back, okay?

Labia.

Thank you.

Labia.

Have a nice day.

Labia.

How dare you ask me for my social?

I'm a virus.

I don't give socials in Puerto Rico.

I'm a virus.

I hate your friends.

Yeah.

Hey, honey, baby.

I needed to get Ruben's last name.

Unfortunately, we are unable to disclose that information, sir.

Oh, what's his social career number?

His social?

Excuse me?

His social?

We're unable to give that information.

What's his address, then?

They can get all your docs, but you can't have any taste.

You just want to have a cocky, like any one of those would have done.

He lives in 123 Fake Street.

123 Fake Street.

123 Sesame Street.

Yes, hi.

Wanted to make an order?

You want to do that again?

You think that's fun?

Just one order.

Not that at all.

Okay.

They're just going to make that even right now, okay?

You don't owe me.

I don't owe you.

That's it.

Let's go get my fucking dates going on.

That's it.

Is that okay?

Listen, you're going to owe me when I come down there.

Okay.

And that's for an apology for the way you're talking to me.

That's you going to owe me.

No.

Shit, I owe you.

I think my friend here owes you a knuckle sandwich, you fucking goddamn immigrant.

Hey, listen.

Hello?

Let me spend, let me, I mean, I'm trying to be this boy, okay, listen, let me spend one

minute with you, okay?

Let you try to get the English language down.

Okay, let's get out of here, okay?

Let's get out.

I like you so much.

Okay, listen.

You don't have to lie.

My respect, son.

Okay.

What up, son?

You don't have to lie to me, but out of respect.

You want to be in our cypher?

What you want?

You want a battle rap?

Baby, now.

Hey, you guys.

Okay, totally.

I can hear that right now.

I mean, get out of here, alcoholics, okay?

I'm an alcoholic, and I take offense for being called an alcoholic.

I'm just a drug user.

I'm a goddamn zipper head like you.

You want me just going to trade this number and find out where you're at?

Yeah, do that.

and then what the children's number what the fuck are you even saying go in the children's number

and find out where the fuck i'm at i'm in your fucking head i can't wait until you're gonna be

complaining your wife later tonight these guys they call why did and you're gonna be like why

did we even come to this country and try to do good yeah you'll be drinking like shark fin soup

What? What did you say?

What did you say?

He made a sound effect for the jammer or something.

You're adorable in your ignorance.

Yeah, you're cute, buddy.

I'll sign. Don't call me anymore, okay?

I'm probably going to call one more time later, in a little bit, and then that's the last time.

Okay? Like, just one more time.

Just to make you super angry.

And that'll be the last time, I promise, okay?

And then we're friends, and then we'll be friends, and everything's okay.

Well, I mean, do you want me to meet...

Facebook friends.

Do you want me to meet there at the Chinese food, or where?

No, he said, get out of here!

Get out of here!

Yeah, you're right.

You're shaking your little Asian fist at me?

Get out of here.

It's cute.

You got your apron on?

They prefer to be called oriental.

You still there?

Yeah, he's there.

You can hear them

Bang it in the background

Are you cooking

Or do you just take the phone calls

Hello

You already want to make this

On the case

Do I

Yes I do

You do want it right

Whatever you

I don't know what you said

So I'm just agreeing

To keep you going

Making a case

You want to make this a case

Yeah go ahead

Make it a big

A big

Here's my

You're going to call the police

And you're like

I'm not going to call that piece of shit

Okay

Yakuza

I'm not going to call that

You're going to call the Red Army

No

You're going to call

You're going to call the war.

Here's what I want to do.

What?

Here's what I want to do.

If you want to make this a station, well, just come over.

We can meet somewhere.

Yeah.

I'm the boy.

We want to have some fun.

Listen.

Yeah.

Is that Louie and Maria's?

Louie and Maria's?

Yes.

Yeah, I've got this Chinese man.

He's really mad at you.

Okay.

Hey, Chinese man.

He's challenging you to a fist fight.

China man.

Who's this?

this is my name is China man this is China if you if you want to call him back it's 666

call him back lady yeah hey he's on the phone now he won't talk to you China walk in here

they're banging around in the background he got all shy dick when he got you on the phone but he

definitely wants to date you there he is talking his big Latin goddamn immigrant talk

Hey.

Hi.

Yeah.

I have Louie Maria's Italian restaurant on the phone.

Oh, they're gone.

Did he give you the phone because he's so angry?

Is he mad?

Is he mad, stupid?

I don't know.

Oh, can I make an order, please?

Okay.

All right.

I need one General Tso chicken, okay?

One number 14 lunch.

Number 14 on the menu.

Chicken.

Chinese vegetable?

Yeah.

You want the soup?

The soup?

What kind of soup?

Egg drop soup?

yeah all right what about one crab rangoon hold on the genital chicken you want to assume too

or you want to soda diet pepsi okay yeah and the crab uh-huh okay and do you have french fries

yes we do okay one french fries and that's it small small yeah it's for this kid you know

or how long will that be uh about 10 okay all right and i'll pick it up all right all right

Alright, bye. Alright, we'll call and cancel another order.

Jesus. Oh my god.

Dude, now that

worked. He's going to be so

pissed. Dude, did he just

sit there on the phone and walk

away like Steven?

He's out there angrily having a cigarette

talking Chinese into his

flip phone. Yeah, he's going to come

back in and make that order and then I'm going to cancel

it. And he's going to be even more pissiter.

Oh, he's going to be so mad.

That's going to be great. I'm so

angry. I don't know what

to do shit oh well man you know in the end he'll see the humor and i'm sure this this is the end

beautiful friend then well there's a hookah lounge in this neighborhood now that sucks i wish i still

lived around here i would go there i'll put that on the big board to call them back please do thank

you sir thank you big guy all right here's hair cuttery where they cut hair is that what they do

there yeah and uh yeah we'll do a few more calls we'll cancel that last one see if that goes

anywhere and then we'll call it a day at least i will call it a day a day because i'll be done

shoe cutter hair cuttery not shoe cutter i almost had beer shit on my nose

listen i was there and there was this puerto rican person there you know

yeah that's disgusting you know yeah you know what i mean

a brb another beer she did she hit she said

carly how can i help you yeah can i speak to the kayla the puerto rican girl

she's not here can i take a message yeah she can you put down that she's disgusting

can you not call back here please i'm probably gonna call like one more time and a little bit

later i'm being honest i probably will end up calling again okay at least you're honest yeah

trying to get the black barbershop on the line whoa what are they doing with a fax machine

whatever uh well i guess you won't be talking to the black um barbershop need to kill a little bit

more time here uh before we cancel that other chinese order here's sports clubs this is another

uh haircutting place but this is next to the um the university so they're gonna be all fancy and

nice and shit probably fuckers we'll try them call phones copy paste come on paste paste it

right here we go boom sports clips is for men thank you for calling sport clips shop hey boy

how you doing good good listen i have a competition that i wanted to get into so i need to get my hair

cut all nice and looking good you know yeah now is it all women that cut the hair there yeah yeah

Yeah, they got nice big bodies on them.

Wow.

Big bodies was unacceptable.

Even if you're calling from overseas.

I could have said something worse.

You think you're so smart?

Talk to the fax machine.

Motherfucker.

Thank you for calling Sport Clips Haircuts at the University Shop.

We are located.

Because of saying big bodies.

He had to go to voicemail hell.

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, hey, here's another.

This is the on-campus haircutting place.

I used to get my hair cut here quite often.

There's this one broad man.

I haven't had a haircut in so long.

I mean, I need a haircut really bad.

Like 14 or 15 years I've been cutting it myself.

What?

Yeah, I cut my own hair too.

I just shave it.

That's scary.

I'm afraid you're going to mess it up.

I don't even have guards.

No, I just cut it all off.

hey boy how you doing all right how are you hey good is this a hair cutting place

hair cutting place no okay all right so like if i go there i don't like i won't be offered like

bootleg dvds and stuff like that no no all right well that's what i'm looking for i'm looking for

that kind of place do you have any suggestions he's gone it is a new bootleg dvds like dvds

you know somebody's just some crackhead selling a vcr for 20 dollars on the street i'm just saying

he got a certain kind of haircut in the barber shop and there's a guy selling bootleg dvds just

walks in like i used to hang around the black barber shop but i never got my haircut there i

just go there and buy weed and shit and chill with the guys there you go that's something to do

There you go.

Yeah.

There you go.

You were getting out back in the day, you shut-in fucking retard.

Look at it.

Enigma's on top of it.

Well, is it time?

I don't think it's time.

Not quite, but it's in there.

All right, cool.

I appreciate it.

Yeah, I'm going to give it a few more minutes.

Six minutes, Dougie Fresh, you're on.

Let's see.

I want us to start throwing shit until something comes up.

Here's, we got campus cards and games.

That's going to be a nerd place.

You want to talk to Nerds Enigma?

You think they're open at this time?

No, thanks.

Do you ever do prank calls, Enigma?

You never really call. I never hear you do pranks.

Not really, no.

I just kind of hang out in the background.

That's good, Enigma. Good for you.

That's cool.

You do what you want with me.

Can I call them nerds?

Voicemail.

When I first

started going to

of this university it was so small and now it's like massive it's like double the size now it's

got fucking stores and hotels on the canvas you gagulate there did i get all the way through it

you know gagulate i just had my gagulation no no i i dropped out after two three semesters and i

went to a community college and i went back for a whole year so i'm like i think i'm only like

like, two and a half semesters away from gagulating with my bachelor's.

Gagulate.

Yeah.

Because then they changed all their schedule for my major.

They got rid of night classes.

What was your major?

Computer science.

I went for computer graphics.

I did two years.

Yeah, I did a whole bunch.

I did all the core stuff.

I got that out of the way.

But the comp sci classes, they stopped offering anything after 3 in the afternoon,

and I had to work.

so you know they used to they used to be able to get classes at four five six o'clock so i would

have been able to work and make it out maybe nowadays you could get it on the interwebs

what does it matter at this point yeah well there's a university out here i just we got to

get in-state residency i should qualify for that in a few months i think because if not it's like

three times the fucking price man that's how they get you the goddamn jews yeah okay the indians at

at the pace three times let's go there big fat brian big fat brian um hang on i'm looking for

i'm looking there's got to be something here's a dental center i don't want to talk to dental

here's a landscaping place since we call that nursery earlier today we call the nursery back

that dentist guy you called about a month ago that was some funny shit oh that really smart

Mark Dennis?

No.

What was the dentist?

Well, I called the dental office where I kept saying, thank God you're white.

Every time I go to a dentist, they give me way too much gas, and I wake up with my pants open.

Your pants unbuttoned.

I don't know.

They're doing something.

I need to go to a dentist.

Last time I went, and they told me to strip and everything.

I didn't get it.

My teeth are so jacked up.

Should I get them my underwear?

underwear is for losers you know where just some satiny pants like pants like this is like strip

club pants oh they don't let you in strip clubs with pants like that anymore at least reputable

ones they don't let you oh reputable ones suck yeah i've only like ever had fun at real shady

like hoodie black ones and shit all the strippers know though they're like yeah whenever someone

comes in with pants like that but

But I'm

in a wheelchair. I'd probably get a lot of

of attention probably oh they think you're cute yeah look at this little guy let's squeeze his

cheek and dance tell him you can't feel anything and that you've been like that all you know

all your life see if you can stimulate the organ or away it'll be like it's a challenge okay look

at me isn't this this should be my album cover there you go you don't have a car though don't

don't you? No, I don't.

That would help. Thanks for rubbing it in.

The goddamn

pigs.

That sucks. Send it to me.

Let me use it for a while.

Oh, the thing?

The parking thing? Can you use an out-of-state

parking? I think you can.

It'd probably be even easier.

Who's really going to do something?

Who's going to be like, oh, that's not valid.

I'm looking

at the hologram. It's not quite

right.

Yeah, but I come out just, you know, walking and whistling, all normal, like, what is your

handicap?

You can do the old, like, Mad Magazine joke, the, what's your handicap, I don't read so

well.

Yeah, yeah.

See, I read one in Mad Magazine, it was like, it's mental and it's dangerous, that was your,

that was another, it was witty, it was snappy answers to stupid questions.

Yeah.

That's where I saw it.

Oh, that was dope.

Yeah.

It was, Mad Magazine used to be so cool.

Yeah.

Yeah, that sucks.

I'd go buy one of those

and put a swimsuit magazine in there

and steal it.

I'd just run up to one.

I want to go home and whack off

because I'm a little boy

that finds random pornography at the creek.

Like mildew-ass pages.

And who leaves that shit for the kids?

I don't know.

God bless them.

One more.

I found a place called Nerd Brigade, but they don't have a phone number.

So here's Chicken Tenders.

And then we'll do a Chinese place.

Then we'll do Chinese.

And then we'll call it a day.

And then we'll throw the scarf.

And that's the end of that chapter.

You talking to Baby Huey?

Thank you for calling.

How may I help you?

Hey, honey.

How are you?

Hey, sexy.

What's up?

Would you like to place an order?

Uh-huh.

All right.

What can I get for you?

um one one you know you have the chicken tender lunch special with the fries yeah um a snack which

has three tenders we have a plate which has five and a platter that has eight okay which one would

you like the the one with eight the one with eight all right great would you like the tenders

and that fried or grilled um can you hold the breading i can make it grilled hold the breading

hold the chicken meat okay um want any chicken with it no no just hold the chicken meat part

and hold the breading what else comes with that with fries and a texas toast and it comes with

sauce hold the potatoes and no bread okay all right all right is there anything else i can

get for you i'll have five of those all right so five sauces right all right one moment would

Would you please hold?

No.

How long?

Maybe about 15 minutes.

You're going to make me hold for 15 fucking minutes?

No, I'm sorry.

No, not holding for 15 minutes.

What am I going to do for 15 minutes?

Sit in the toilet and take a shit?

She's stupid.

She's pissing me off, so I just burned her.

I didn't want to go make five sauces.

Someone was calling the madhouse line back here.

I don't know who or where they are.

Go ahead.

Charge me.

She's so fucking...

You just wanted the heat.

heat i just want the heat can the heat for me can you warm try to say it in chat

hello hello hello hello chinaman trying to walk hello yeah is my order ready yeah which one

yeah yeah i want to cancel that yeah i don't like chinese food you know i just realize

I'm not really.

Huh?

Yeah, I don't know, because I thought it was going to work out,

but I don't really like the Chinese food, I realize.

I think it'd be best if I don't have it.

You know you can't do that.

Why not?

I could call the police, you know?

No, I didn't go pick it up yet.

He's calling the police.

Didn't you ask the other guy why he was so mad on the phone?

Yeah.

He's a dumb shit.

Wow.

Damn, I was hoping that was the other guy.

they really cooked all that the other guy just quit i think he's like you know what

fuck this shit i'm going back to taiwan

i'm gonna go smoke cigarettes and gamble there yeah oh shit i'm gonna go back to my family in

china fuck this shit i left the place with that guy and he's fell for it also all right

well he was kind of upset you know it was like you can't do this yeah you can't do this

I can call a police if I want.

I got your number.

All right, cool.

Now you got the number to Skype servers in California.

I guess.

All right, I'm out of here.

Bye, guys.

See you.

Yeah, rock on.

Thanks, everybody, for listening.

Yeah, thanks, Hillock.

Thank you, Enigma.

Thanks, everyone else.

He's calling back.

I think he's calling.

Oh, but I don't have it connected.

Fuck, never mind.

I don't have the cable.

You can still pick it up and just turn it up loud.

You talk to him.

well it's frozen now

I don't know

I think it's that guy

trying to call me

he'll leave a voicemail

and we'll play it

alright bye

see ya

alright see you later

bye

we're not

playing games here

I fucked you

you son of a bitch

you're calling us

white jack

you little motherfucker

I'm gonna be down

at that store

I don't know

who you think

you're talking to

you dope ass

motherfucker

Madhouse Radio

is live

Thursday nights

at 10pm eastern

shit on you

And they called them Muppets, which is a British term that means a stupid, ignorant person.

Calls (31, 1 h 4 min of 1 h 37 min)

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