You Must Be The Stupidvisor
4 Oct 2013 · 2 h 32 min · 21,505 words · source
Calls (46, 1 h 24 min of 2 h 32 min)
- Pharmacy caller insults staff live 2.6 min clip ↓
- Pharmacy caller asks about Chipotle live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Church of God Prophecy caller misidentifies Maddie live 2.3 min clip ↓
- Ace Hardware asked about slaves live 1.1 min clip ↓
- Mel's Diner order confusion live 2.1 min clip ↓
- Vitamin Outlet asked for vitamins live 2.4 min clip ↓
- Gas station asked to order gasoline live 3.8 min clip ↓
- Pottery Bears customer service live 1.2 min clip ↓
- Barber shop asked about table shower live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Supercuts asked about nudity during shampoo live 1.1 min clip ↓
- CeCe's Pizza order attempt live 1.1 min clip ↓
- Complaint about Corey at CeCe's Pizza live 35 s clip ↓
- Call to crack-smoking appliance repair shop live 53 s clip ↓
- Pet parlor owner Smelly Shelly prank live 48 s clip ↓
- Calling Shelly about living room rental live 1.8 min clip ↓
- Calling back Shelly after insult live 1.9 min clip ↓
- Calling back Shelly with more insults live 2.6 min clip ↓
- Grout worker complains about health issues live 3.8 min clip ↓
- Calls back after hang-up, talks to sassy brothers live 45 s clip ↓
- Calls Zyklon, reconnects after hang-up live 30 s clip ↓
- Reconnects with Zyklon, discusses guns and politics live 45 s clip ↓
- Forwarded to voicemail system ivr 1.1 min clip ↓
- Calls Verizon wireless retailer about phones live 32 s clip ↓
- Talks to Solar Sales rep about Android phones live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Calls Charlie, gets ignored live 39 s clip ↓
- Voicemail says mailbox is full voicemail 35 s clip ↓
- Restaurant asked about girlfriend Carla live 4.5 min clip ↓
- Chef supply asked about reinforced pants live 1.4 min clip ↓
- Chef supply follow-up on pants live 52 s clip ↓
- Animal clinic asked about doctor's ethnicity live 1.1 min clip ↓
- Value Storage asked about storage auctions live 2.6 min clip ↓
- Phone Doctor asked to fix Brad Carter's show live 8.6 min clip ↓
- Adult Toy Storage asked about storing toys live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Customer service hold with busy signal ivr 34 s clip ↓
- Angry customer demands CEO on phone live 6.3 min clip ↓
- Customer insists on speaking to owner live 4.8 min clip ↓
- Florist owner demand for flowers live 2.7 min clip ↓
- Call to arm company about bill live 1.4 min clip ↓
- Chinese restaurant pickup order live 38 s clip ↓
- Farm with reverend owner live 36 s clip ↓
- Apostolic church of Jesus Christ live 32 s clip ↓
- Snowballs and ice cream shop live 1.2 min clip ↓
- Knife sharpening service live 1.1 min clip ↓
- Adult bookstore about dildos live 38 s clip ↓
- Squarespace voicemail voicemail 38 s clip ↓
- Most Holy Redeemer Church about labia live 3.1 min clip ↓
Transcript
Tested, tried, and true.
98.6.
ML.
So what?
Hey, Carlitos here with Matt and Jose and Zax.
Is that everybody?
I think.
Sure, yeah.
Good.
Zax is in school.
He's listening.
I'm back.
Awesome.
What kind of school?
Hey, America.
Hey.
Happy gunfight day.
We're doing this.
For calling.
I'm Rodney.
Mark and Libby, flu shots are now...
Flu shots are now mandatory if you want to use the store.
Don't talk. It's one of those talking things. Shut up.
Sorry.
Fuck.
Let me see if I can get someone on the line to help.
One moment while I connect you to someone who can help you.
Please remain on the line to speak with a member of our staff.
Thank you for calling.
I was trying to tell the phone, you gotta tell them what you want to do, is that how it is?
The what?
The phone, when you call the stupid phone, your stupid place, your stupid asshole phone,
it says, tell me what you want to do, and I kept telling it, and it was like, like that.
Stupid.
Okay, do you need to speak to a pharmacy?
Or who do you need to speak to?
I need to talk to your stupid advisor, because that's what he probably is, stupid.
Sorry, sir, but you don't have to talk to me that way.
I'm just trying to help you.
I'm sorry.
Hold on one second, please.
Okay, honey.
She's a nice lady.
She is.
Stupid advisor.
I almost fucking ruined it right there.
You know, I think it's funny that I actually had someone say that to me once at work.
Ranger, wait a while.
This is Brittany speaking.
How may I help you?
Are you the stupid visor?
I'm sorry?
Are you the stupid visor?
I am a manager.
I asked for the stupid visor because you people must be stupid.
Did you have an issue you would like to discuss?
Obviously, yeah.
But first of all, you sound like you have a high-pitched voice.
It sounds like you're a woman.
That's a problem.
If you have something that you would like to discuss,
I would be more than happy to discuss that with you.
Your crackers there are very old.
I bought some crackers from Saltine's.
And they were like, it was like just chewing through like foam.
So stupid.
And that's what you get when you have stupid people that work there.
All day long, stupid people in the morning and night.
Anytime you go there, every time I go, there's the stupidest people.
How does it feel?
How does it feel to be so stupid?
Sir, if you have something valid that you would like to discuss with me,
then that is fine, but I will not listen to you insult the employees.
Insulting humor.
Write it down for a man review when he's in.
Can you write it down?
Would you like to have one call you back?
Can you just write down a message?
You should be able to handle that, right?
Anyone here is capable of handling the issue, sir.
You're capable of writing down the message, honey, okay, honey?
What would you like me to leave a message for?
What was your name?
it's britney uh britney was rude and nasty put that down first line britney should not be
considered for a bonus at the end of the quarter okay britney should have a negative mark put on
her uh personal review for the year whenever that's up okay uh britney is very is a mean
and she made racial slurs she she threw things across the hallway she slammed the door she didn't
wash her hands after she went to the bathroom she leaves the lights on in the kitchen when no one's
in there sir if you have something valid you would like to discuss then you may discuss that but i
will not continue this line of of what do you have so far what do you have so far i wrote nothing
Nothing down because this is not a valid line of discussion.
Fucking lying cunt.
Write it down.
Write it down, you stupid.
If you have an issue with...
You made it sound like you were writing it down the whole time.
You wanted everybody to be a buzz.
Jose.
You had to ruin it for the fucking recording, didn't you?
Por español, marque nueve.
Nueve, nueve.
Blue shots are...
Bullshit.
here's the main menu fucking shit
sorry I still didn't understand to order
prescription refills press one to check
the status of a group all right I'll
connect you do you need to speak to
someone in the pharmacy area one moment
while I connect you to someone who can
help you please remain on the line to
speak with a member of our staff sorry
for stepping in there I just wanted to
to yell at her thank you well that britney is sure is a piece of work right what happened that
britney is a piece of work you know what she said to me she said that my people aren't welcome there
she said oh you know and she kept what you said something i can help you with you know what she
said she she said you know how beautiful my white skin is that's what she told me she said that to
me isn't that disgusting oh i'm so sorry don't you just want to rub a brillo pad on her pretty
pretty little face and be like oh how's your white flesh look now your beautiful white skin you know
she told me i have perfect teeth i have perfect titties
what's going on back there tell them to keep it down while they paint in the office
well i hear a lot of spanish talking in the background what is that well we we're ringing
people up oh we have a register that we're dealing with people here in the front record share
Hey, you like Chipotle, or are you too poor to go there?
Excuse me?
You like Chipotle, or are you too poor to go there?
I'm too poor.
Okay, I understand.
All right, I'll leave you alone then, because you're so poor.
Thank you.
Have a wonderful day, and be well.
Okay, you too.
God bless you.
She was nice, that lady.
Yeah, she was.
She's not like the other fucking woman.
God bless her.
God bless her, my friend.
God bless her.
She didn't say, God bless you, back to me, and then she did get a little...
You know what?
She wasn't a nice caller back.
Later.
Here's the Church of God Prophecy.
What?
Church of God Prophecy.
This is a black town.
Can I talk to them?
Yeah, Church of God Prophecy.
I don't know how they could have paid the phone bill.
They don't even pay taxes.
Busy buying fancy cars and gold rings and shit.
Purple dresses.
Honey, Church.
Bella speaking.
Hi.
How you doing there, sugar tits?
I'm fine.
Who's this?
Ah, this is Maddie.
Maddie, who do you want?
Yeah.
Uh, no, I'd, well, I'd like to talk to you, because you sound like a very fine woman.
Uh, do you guys have, uh, the communion wafers at your church?
Don't think so.
You don't, you don't give communion?
We don't have communion wafers at our church, do we?
Why?
Maddie, do we have communion wafers at our church?
Because I'd like to sell you some semen flavored ones.
Thank you.
Bye.
I come on them myself, sugar tits.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Stupid.
Fuck yeah.
Matty.
Is Matty's here?
Matty wants to.
Matty wants to know.
What kind of deaf people working back there just yell it?
A guy named Matty is on the phone.
Who called?
Matty.
Who?
Matty.
Yeah.
Hello.
While I was calling about Maddie, did Maddie...
There's no Maddie here.
Yeah, but Maddie just called.
No Maddie called.
Yeah, and that woman...
No Maddie has called from this number.
No, asshole, listen.
Maddie called you at your number.
You understand?
Why would I want to talk to Maddie?
He didn't talk to you.
He talked to the lady, the other lady over there.
Yeah, that woman.
That witch.
You know the things he said to Maddie?
I was right there.
I know exactly what she said.
She said, son of a bitch, and everything like that.
Yes, she did.
Yes, she did.
No, there was no vulgar language from this end of the phone.
There were six people sitting here, and they would each tell you the same thing.
Jesus Christ, he's a fucking liar.
He was sitting right there, and then he says that he's not.
What, Matty?
Nobody talked to any Matty.
You're a fucking liar.
That's why you're going to burn in hell.
It didn't happen because I was texting you.
It didn't happen.
You are going to burn in hell.
How do you feel that way?
Go to the hell.
You're on tape.
You're on tape, you son of a bitch.
You're going to be all on Can-19 cable access in Chicago,
exposing the truth of you and the hypocritical church.
And your fucking government.
And your fucking government.
What the hell is that about?
You fucking...
He's drunk.
Hey, boy, how you doing?
Good.
Good.
You got any slaves back there?
have any what any slaves no oh okay i was wondering you sure now yep okay that's that's a
good thing right that's good it's good that you don't have slaves anymore at ace hardware that's
good not good for business used to be able to go down the hardware store and get a slave for a few
hours you know we can't sell you some we have some mexicans i'll put them on the line now his
His name is Pico.
Hey, Pico.
Hey, what's up?
I like to work a lot.
I'm good with a fucking hammer.
Okay.
All right.
Whatever.
I need a fucking job.
It's gone now.
Now you're messed up.
Jose's not good as shit.
My boss said that I can't work for today, Monday, and Tuesday.
You're still talking.
You're still talking.
You're still in character.
Nice.
No, seriously.
He's going for a long haul.
Long haul con.
I'm going to DEFCON with Matty.
He agrees.
That'll be dope.
Yeah, it would be a good time to go to DEFCON with Matt.
Matt, if you can get out there, I don't know.
When's DEFCON?
In July, right?
Yeah, August.
August.
I think.
Okay, good.
Good.
Here's a family diner.
It's called Mel's.
Big Mel.
i tell him he can't be doing no driving 100 miles an hour bullshit i'll punch him in his
fucking cock well he's gonna drive you there yeah he's talking about driving
fuck that i thought you lived in california jose what's going on
oh i didn't know that i thought you were in california oh fuck me i didn't know
Nah, he lives in Rockford, the fucking armpit of America.
Everybody look for Josie.
No, diner.
Hey, I wanted to make an order.
Okay.
One eggs.
How do you want your eggs?
Cooked.
What?
Cooked.
How?
Over easy, over medium, over hard, sunny side up, scrambled.
On the heat.
Okay, who is this?
One bread.
Okay, seriously, how do you want your eggs?
One cooked eggs.
One what?
Cooked.
Okay, hold on a minute.
that okay she's supposed to be in the fucking kitchen rich can i help you yeah why is the
woman not in the kitchen sorry i want to make an order okay one eggs cooked cooked with heat
electric electric heat or gas heat yeah how would you like your egg cooked would you like it over
medium would you like it scrambled heat it up heat it up to the to the required uh temperature
and amount of time sustained sustained temperature so as not to introduce any you know salmonella or
anything else into my system yes i understand how to cook eggs brother how would you like them
cooked scrambled medium over well over hard one eggs just one eggs just write that down figure
it out i understand that okay tell you what why don't you come in here and you make it okay
scramble okay okay scramble scramble scramble scramble one bread you want bread or toast
bread one bread that could have been a whole nother thing about the bread you know then you
in a sausage?
Do you want to cook
in the toaster?
What do you want?
What do you want over here?
Why is the woman in the little fucking thing
that you answer the phone and not in the picture?
It's a fucking
goddamn waitress, dummy.
It's funny to say, but
Jesus Christ.
Yeah, what? You want fucking
dudes serving you food?
surly fucking guys
working at Mel's Diner?
Is that what you want?
Maybe. No, you don't.
You want a man cooking
your goddamn food. Yeah, you don't put
on a condom unless you're gonna fuck, Jose.
That makes no sense.
Makes no sense.
Or if you have
a bad bladder.
Where's my drink at? In your butt, boy.
It's in your butt.
Alright, let's call Shuland
We talked to last Tuesday
On Tuesday
Have you seen the video
Josie naked?
No
It's all the rage, dude
It's a rated MRA thing
And he's naked? Why are you naked?
Yeah
He's in the shower like an idiot
He's like an idiot
I trusted these guys
It makes no sense
Zach recorded it
Zach's recorded it.
It's so funny.
Go ahead and download it.
There, Alita.
He's so awkward.
You can do whatever you want with it.
When he's wrapped up in the shower.
So you were walking in TinyJet or something and you forgot to put your cam on?
No.
He took it in the bathroom with him and pointed it at the shower.
I don't know why it was on.
No, you wanted it.
You wanted people to see you want this.
Yeah, he wanted to jail us.
Hey, why do you got the M tattoo?
Because also, because I got a monster something down there.
A monster cock.
There.
Fuck it.
He's doing it live.
Thank you for the initial line.
This is Stephanie.
How can I help you?
Hey, Stephanie, this is like, what, your fourth day, third day on the job today?
Excuse me?
This is like your third day working there, right?
No.
Oh, I thought you were a manager.
Your first day was Tuesday.
Or Monday or something like that.
Do you need any help?
Yeah.
Do you have any stupid shoes there?
Is this a yoke?
It's a yoke.
Yes.
Yeah, it's a yoke?
No, I want to order one shoes, okay?
We don't order shoes.
I'm ordering it.
You go off the shelf, take it off the shelf.
One shoes.
Well, you know what?
Have a wonderful day, okay?
I command you.
Number 11 shoe.
Your order.
Meh.
That nigga be yoked out.
He's all swelled up like he's in prison.
Yes, I'd like to make an order, please.
Oh, we don't do orders.
Okay, have a wonderful day.
One shoes.
Bye-bye.
One shoes.
One shoes.
Fucking marathon.
All right, they don't do an order there.
Look at Jesse showing off by standing up.
He's like, fuck you, Hillock.
I can stand.
I'm not standing up.
I'm standing on two legs.
I'm not lying.
You look great in profile.
You're going to look fantastic on the video.
You look great.
Billabongs.
Oh, I've been to this bar before.
Yeah, it's called Billabong.
Oh, they're not open.
It's not bar time right now.
Never mind.
A real bar is open at fucking 7 a.m., man.
Drunks are just standing out there waiting like...
Yeah, not in this town.
Not in this town.
This town is full of faggots.
sounds a big letdown here's well wendy's is probably closed because they didn't do breakfast
at wendy's anymore i could tell you that wait they don't do breakfast they stopped their breakfast
yeah why it wasn't selling because they didn't advertise it barely no one knew wendy's had
breakfast i found out by accident that was actually i didn't i didn't know i found a bag i wrote i
went by and i was like now that i do know i don't care and i wouldn't want to go all right fine i
Yeah, we'll talk about it.
Fine.
Here's, I don't have any numbers.
Here's the, hey, viewers, send in numbers.
Yeah, please.
Much appreciated.
Let me pick another city here to target.
Come flat five for the win.
Resuming in on numbers.
It's like you're sitting here over there with the dart throwing in a map.
Basically.
And you go in with the magnifying glass, and you're like.
There you go.
All right.
But we're going to Grand Rapids, Michigan now.
Vitamin outlet.
Let's see if they're open yet.
Here's vitamin outlet.
I want some vitamins.
They'll be open in Florida.
Yeah, yeah, right.
People are making their vitamin shakes.
Yeah, it's like 11 o'clock.
Yeah, it's vitamin shakes.
Time for vitamin shakes.
Can I get some vitamins?
I got some good vitamins.
I want to not be a crippled no more.
Pick up, stupid.
Ring, ring.
I'm stupid.
Stupid clink.
It's Vitamin Outlet.
How you doing, sugar tits?
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
What do you got for...
I'm suffering from MS and I'm in a wheelchair.
You got some kind of vitamin shit that'll make me be able to walk around again?
We could work on nutritional deficiencies with Earth and supplement, sure.
With what?
Earth?
You can come in if you'd like, sir.
We could help you.
You would?
Would you personally be helping me out?
If I'm available, sure.
Yeah, because I kind of dig your voice.
Is it a full release help out?
Wait, well, do you know where we're at?
Yeah.
Yeah, I just want to know, is it full release service you're talking about?
Like, I'll leave there satisfied and full of vitamins or whatever,
so my B will be fucking yellow and stinky for a minute.
Okay.
Well, I hope you have a great day.
God bless you
You are a fucking sweetheart
I think I love you
And I will definitely be coming to see you
Awesome, wonderful
I'll be the creep in the wheelchair
With this cock in my hand
Alright, rock on
Bye
She seems like she was all doped up
She was smacking chewing gum
On her iPhone the whole time
She was having that conversation
conversation oh you got the you got the song man the song you downloaded the song video no the song
my song for my show good morning shell is marvin speaking can i help you yeah that's that the big
shell the big woman that the big shell over there is that you you're that big girl right you're that
big girl at the shell station which shell station are you talking about there east bay shell on bay
$44.50?
Yeah, yeah, you're the big girl.
Yeah.
Yeah, what's up?
How you doing?
You have what you have for breakfast today?
I bet you eat a lot.
You have Pop-Tarts?
Low?
Yeah.
Hey, what'd you have for breakfast?
Do you have some Pop-Tarts, some eggs?
No.
What'd you have?
Some oatmeal?
No.
What do you like?
You don't have breakfast?
You don't like it?
You eat something, right?
You always eat something by now.
You're starting to get a little hungry for lunch, huh?
It's 11, 10 o'clock.
It's almost lunchtime.
Yeah?
I don't remember.
You don't remember what you have?
Oh, you want to have something with me?
No.
Who?
I'll take you to the dollar store.
We can pick out five things each.
I don't think so.
We pick out five things each.
Come on.
They got candy.
Oh, they got those little Vienna sausages.
I don't know.
I don't need that.
I don't know who you are, so I have no idea who you are.
I know you like to eat something.
You're a big girl.
You like some donuts?
I'll bring you some donuts.
Excuse me?
I said you're a big girl.
I know you like to eat something.
I didn't stutter.
Fucking bitch.
Excuse me?
Yeah, excuse me.
I have a Lamborghini.
I'll pick you up in the...
You move.
That's good.
That's where the joke got funny.
I have a Lamborghini.
Hey.
Hey, who's this?
What's wrong with the big girl?
Why is she upset?
She didn't eat yet today?
Huh?
You didn't give her anything to eat yet to the woman, so she's upset?
What's wrong with you?
What do you want?
I just wanted to make an order.
Make an order of what?
Want gasoline.
Are you alright?
Yeah.
You want to make an order on gasoline?
Uh-huh.
I want gasoline.
Okay.
You want me to give back this gasoline?
You want to take out gasoline?
Yeah, I want to take out gasoline, yeah.
Are you bullshitting or what?
Don't be a stupid little monkey.
Don't call back again, okay?
Fucking asshole.
Yeah.
That's what you are?
You are the bitch.
The biggest bitch in the world, Bhenchod.
Maybe even Bhenchod if you're Indian.
Are you Indian?
You want to order the gas?
I'm going to give a call to the cop right now.
They will call you back, okay?
Call him, though.
Call the fucking cop.
Police.
This man called to order gas.
He's stupid.
I've seen the police.
That's bullshit.
You fucking moron.
Somebody know it.
Seriously, what's he going to tell the police?
Some guy called and he said order gasoline.
I do not know.
Okay.
What do you want us to do?
Seriously, what's he going to do?
Fuck that guy.
that's what i'm talking about you didn't even threaten to burn the place down yet
say you're the police hello i'm officer i don't give a fuck calling about your
hey asshole how are you i'm fine what's up what are you gonna tell the police
why do the why do they care you think
they don't care they don't care they don't care yeah i care you know if you bother i have
I have customers lining up.
I'm going to listen to your bullshit.
You don't have customers because you're saying bullshit and asshole and all that.
I know you don't.
You're lying.
You wouldn't say bullshit in these things.
If you front of me, I'm just going to punch you right now if you come front of me.
You come front of me.
I'll pull your pants down.
Sir, I'm standing in line with my phone talking, okay?
So you can't do shit.
I'm going to pull your pants down in front of everyone and say,
Look at this small pee-pee.
Yay.
Ha-ha.
And we'll laugh.
I recognize your voice, and now if he doesn't even stop by in there, you are in big trouble, man.
Oh, no.
Sir, I'm standing in line.
I'm in the back of the store.
You don't know me, so when my temper goes out, then your art is to be out.
Okay.
My art is to be out.
He's probably going to kick someone's ass now for no reason.
Some regular customer of his.
Awesome.
All right.
Matt, when are you starting your show, man?
When's that?
going down okay uh monday monday monday 9 p.m very good very good monday monday 9 p.m all right
here's uh i've got the awesome song that you haven't listened to what is is it a rock rock
and roll kind of song well you gotta listen to it it's 30 it's like 30 something seconds you said
you sent it to me because i don't yeah you downloaded it what now that's an mp4 yeah i
I downloaded a video of Jose's penis.
Oh, wait.
Oh, sorry.
I'm world famous now.
I'm international.
People will want me.
Sorry.
Here.
This is Tammy.
Don't be nasty, Tammy, okay?
Okay.
All right, don't be nasty when you talk to me on the phone like that.
Pick it up.
Have some respect and don't be rude.
Okay.
Put a man on the phone there, honey.
Who's calling, please?
This is Eddie Cross, Mr. Eddie Cross.
Okay.
We have four men here.
Which one would you like to talk to?
Anyone, as long as it's not you, stupid.
That's good enough for me.
One moment.
She's mad, guys.
She did not like that.
I put it in the chat, man.
Yay!
I'm all like,
maybe I'm in a wheelchair.
I've got problems doing everything.
Wave file.
What's wrong with you?
Yeah, whatever.
I'm going to roll.
We're waiting for a man.
He's explaining the whole thing.
You know, there's a guy on.
What happened?
Hello.
What took so long?
This is Mike.
How are you?
Hey, big guy.
How are you?
I'm good.
Can I help you?
Yeah, what's with that woman?
Right, answering the phone.
She's got an attitude.
I don't like that.
Yeah, can I help you, please?
Yeah, so this is an associate or something like that?
No, sir.
That sounds like a bunch of horse shit.
What do you associate?
What's that?
How do you associate and make that a business?
He's got something screwed up in his head.
He's got some screwed up in his head.
This guy's screwed up in his head.
Hey, Carlito.
That was awesome.
Hey, boy.
You should really call Pawn Stars.
What?
You should really call Pawn Stars.
The TV show?
You know what?
You're a very original and
fantastically funny kid.
It's only because I drink.
I'm really
nervous.
Whenever I talk to new people,
I feel like,
I don't want to talk. Leave me alone.
When I start drinking...
It's all this stupid show I watch.
Jose, do you have a job?
Do you work in a pottery barn or something?
What do you do?
I work in a hydraulic
Hydraulic factory.
Nice.
Hydraulic manifolds.
Some man work.
Yeah.
Very nice.
I lift, like, heavy parts.
Very nice.
Yeah.
I drank some piss out of my urinal earlier, and I haven't felt quite right ever since I did it.
Sorry to reach Pottery Bears in D.
We will have a change in open hours.
Wait, you drank piss out of your urinal?
Yeah.
And it grossed out Josie.
It's grossing me out.
I don't know why you would...
It was an accident, I'm guessing, right?
No, I took this and put it to my lip.
Look at these brown stains on your face.
Oh, come on, Matt.
All right, all right.
I don't want to...
Okay, razor...
And I just took it up and sipped out of it like that.
And drank it.
It was cold.
And now it's starting to be warm.
It was gross.
Yeah, okay.
Here's a barber cut.
Barber place.
And you're probably saying, coming at you.
Hey, how are you?
All right, how can I help you?
Is this a Negro kind of establishment, or is anyone welcome there?
We do everybody here.
You do everybody there?
Yeah.
Oh, that's nice.
All right, you guys, do you have a table shower?
Do we have a little table shower?
This is a barbershop.
Yeah, but you guys have a table shower there, right?
For me to use?
No, we don't.
No.
Do you wash the hair also?
If that's what you prefer, yes.
Yeah, you know, you get in a table shower, get in a table shower.
Do I have to take all my clothes off so you have the hair washed before the hair?
Oh.
Because I don't want to get it for...
Okay, he's gone.
What are you talking about?
No.
He's a barbershop.
We don't got no table showers.
I'm in a speed show.
Yeah, I'll take off all my clothes at the barbershop.
Yo, my man, my man, this is a piece of...
Yo, my man, this is a place of business, okay?
My man, yo, yo, yo, yo.
Fuck yeah.
Hey, my man.
My man, my man, my man.
All right, he said my man.
We got to leave him alone.
We'll call Supercuts instead, which is the alternative down the street.
McDonald's and haircut.
I guarantee you that place is way cooler than the Supercuts.
Probably.
You know, why would you want to go to Supercuts when you go to a place where the guy calls you my man?
My man.
That's a cool voice.
My man.
Hello?
Hey, how you doing, my man?
How can I help you?
Yeah, you guys do the washing of the hair before or after I get the haircut, right?
We can.
I like to take off all my clothes when I get my hair washed, you know?
Okay.
Because I don't want the soap to get on my clothes, my fresh cut.
Okay.
So I take off all my clothes.
Well, we can't have you stripping.
Well, is this lower in the mornings or at night?
a little bit yeah what if i just take my shirt off i'm a man i can show them salami nipples off
no big deal okay we uh yeah it's uh 20.95 for a shampoo and haircut oh wow can i just get the
shampoo so i can just take off my clothes you know i heard you giggle you like you think it's
cute that i'm calling saying these things yeah you want to go to chipotle no thank you i'll
I'll throw a fucking burrito at your head,
you bitch.
Go to hell.
Take off all your clothes.
I really prefer to keep my clothes on here at Supercut.
Thank you for calling Supercut.
This is Amanda.
How can I help you?
Here it comes, Amanda.
You see it?
Is her last name Huggins?
I was going to tell her.
Thanks, Matt.
You ruined my...
I'm sorry.
Oh, I fucking ruined...
I can't pass up on Amanda Huggins.
I bet you can't.
All right.
Here's CeCe's Pizza, which is home to a buffet of shitty pizza.
CeCe's Pizza.
All you can eat bread.
All you can eat ketchup bread.
First take the bread.
Put ketchup on it.
I want some bread.
I want some bread.
I'm going to get some water in a little bit, motherfucker.
I drank a lot of water.
That's good.
Get your water.
Jose, wake up, Jose.
hey maricon what's going on hey hey man i wanted to make an order who is this this is eddie who
eddie yeah hurry up
i gotta find the english speaker
i got a little fan in the background can i talk to him no okay you fell asleep
Hurry up
Listen stupid why is it taking you so long
You god damn idiot asshole
Hey
God you're the Mexican music
I want to order pizza
Seriously
He's like hey
Click
Listen to this dumb guy
I like the business signal
Alright order pizza
Shut up Brooks I got your number
I'll be right back
Hey is this Cory
Listen you speak to Cory
Corey, I have a complaint.
Who is this?
What's your name?
Now you're withholding your name.
Is this Corey?
Corey.
No, this is not Corey.
All right, well, I need to make a...
Who would you like to speak to?
I need to make a complaint about Corey.
Okay.
He promised me...
Who would you like to speak to?
He promised me a call back.
I don't take...
Write down messages, then.
Do you have paper and pencil there?
Yeah, I do.
I command you to write down a message.
And pass it on to the head of security.
This is Alex.
Hey, big guy.
How you doing?
And I'm back.
Jose, wake up, Jose.
I woke up.
You always fall asleep.
Have you been up all night?
No, I've been...
He's just fat and lazy.
I'm not lazy.
I've been drinking.
Yeah, I've been drinking.
And Matt comments me.
Plays that they've written while drinking, these Mexican beats.
Only they fight with the hipsters.
Yeah, I've been drinking my tears because my job...
I've been smoking my tears.
My boss supposedly told me I can't work from today to Monday and then Tuesday.
I have to go to work on Wednesday.
And told me I only could work 20 hours.
So, fuck it.
Hey, thanks Obama.
You're furloughed.
Okay, here's a request from a person named Rooks in the chat room.
And this motherfucker wants us to call this guy named James.
James, who smokes...
Chat room motherfuckers are badass.
James is a crack smoking appliance repair shop owner.
Here we go.
That's a good...
If you're a drug addict, that's a good industry to be in.
You could do that, man.
You should do that.
Do what?
I haven't started smoking, like, heavily smoking crack.
I don't want to work.
That's the point of being on the dole, dude.
Yeah, you can't get woman on the dole, man.
How are you going to get a woman?
I'm mad as fucking hell, like, really?
You're making good women on the dole?
I reached Jenna with two brothers applying.
Sorry, we're not able to...
They don't answer, Rooks.
You're stupid.
We'll try them again.
And if they don't answer, you're going to get banned from the chat room.
Just like, you know.
Yeah.
I'm hovering over, fitting a ban on them.
Yep.
Get ready.
Here's the ban hammer.
Matt, you're in the house.
It's in...
Yeah.
Ban hammer.
Jenna with two brothers...
Oh!
He's out of here.
You're out of here.
He's out of here.
Rooks, you're out of here.
Out of your ass.
See you later.
All right.
Brad Carter is a listener of this show,
and he sent in numbers for a Petco, a group of Petco, I guess, customers.
So let's give them a call.
Okay, Rooks.
No, we don't have to ban you.
We don't have to ban you, I guess.
Well, it is.
You know what?
It's too early.
He said, please.
He's a good guy.
Now, if you say, PLA, go away, we won't ban you.
Yeah, oh, you got ops?
You ain't better than nobody, kid.
I don't got no ops.
I only could get half ops, I think.
I think you're talking we.
You should have zero ops.
You got half ops.
If I had anything to do about it, you wouldn't have any ops at all.
Enigma kicked Brooks.
Hey, I'm just kidding.
You're going to have to cook him.
Jesus Christ.
Enigma kicked him.
That's awesome.
I don't got no half ops.
Damn it.
You got zero ops.
Why can't I get a hat off, at least?
I got it.
Your skin's too brown.
I'm a fucking Mexican, okay?
You're a dark-skinned Mexican.
Not that much.
You look Lebanese or something.
You don't look like no Mexican.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Well, I don't know.
Can you grow a mustache?
Jose, you're not Mexican.
He sleeps on the fucking bear mattress.
That's a low-class shit right there.
You still haven't put a fuckin' top sheet on your mattress, dummy.
I'm gonna buy one today.
You don't have one in the house.
Yeah, I do. It's right over there.
Then why didn't you just put it on the bed, you lazy fuck?
I just like the feel of the fries.
Fabric on my cock and balls.
The chicks really dig it when they come over.
They're like, oh, your decoration's awesome.
awesome yeah good decoration anyway i don't know i can't get rid of this cough it sucks
i like i like when you like use it all crazy
goals well like the one that's like are you okay yeah
all right here's i'm having an aneurysm lady here's big becky is looking for houses to clean
Yeah, let's call her.
Does she clean up her crying scenes?
That's a good angle.
Some blood play.
Things get a little too rough.
Can she clean up all the blood?
I shouldn't have drank that old-ass piss.
That's nasty.
I'm not saying it was awesome.
I'm not saying,
God damn, it's awesome that I drank that old piss.
I'm saying I shouldn't have.
I told you not to do it.
If I would do exactly the opposite of whatever you say, always.
Was it even daring you?
You just fucking did it, man?
Yeah, I just picked it up.
I was gonna empty that, and I was like, let me take a sip of this shit.
Carlito, you heard about that woman that was killed?
Oh, the one at the White House?
Have you heard about that?
Yeah, DC, yeah.
Yeah, because Jose watches the news.
He's gonna tell you all about it.
Do you have more info, Jose?
Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message.
Come on.
Your video today is, like, real weird.
I just see your big gut.
There.
Look at this.
Big, nasty, unwashed fellows.
Look at this.
The gut right here, buddy.
Yeah, great.
Okay, here's someone looking for a used underpinning.
Gary, what's an underpinning?
Something that's...
All right.
What is an underpinning? I don't know. Let's find out.
It's under the car.
We're a child's panties.
You gotta get to the bottom of it.
Yeah, you looking for underpinning?
Who?
You looking for underpinnings?
Underpinnings.
What's that?
I don't know. You probably said you're looking for underpinning.
Need at least 10.
Delphia?
Delphia, how's it? She's in bed.
Oh, wake her up, goddammit.
Wake that bitch up.
Hurry up.
Don't.
Hey, boy, how are you?
Is that Delphia?
Yeah.
Hey, you looking for underpinnings?
Yes.
What is that?
Do what?
What is it?
What is an underpinning?
It goes on the outside of a trailer.
It goes on the underside of a trailer?
Yeah, the outside of a trailer.
Oh, it keeps it from the tornadoes blowing it over?
Yeah.
Yeah, so you can go inside a trailer, you can fuck your women, you know, and it doesn't break because it has your underpinnings and they hold it, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's good.
How many women do you fuck in there?
What?
How many women do you fuck in there?
In what position does the trailer go into for best fucking?
I don't really know.
Have you got any?
Yeah, I do.
I do.
I have 12.
How much you want?
I have 12.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Does your wife have all her teeth?
What?
Does your wife have all her teeth or can she take her teeth out?
Whatever.
I'm really angry.
I don't want to do a show right now.
I'm just not feeling it.
You're doing great.
Do what now?
Do what?
do what do what sometimes you just gotta be mean let me go back to request a prank see what's over
there i had seen a message that someone sent a prank request do what now exactly this one here
is smelly shelly who owns a pet parlor pet parlor i don't know if you've seen the video came out in
2012 election apparently crazy lady is shelly seems to be a pet grooming business she runs i
I guess she was upset during the, what?
She was upset about Obama and her small business, I guess.
You know, that kind of thing.
Well, a lot of people were upset that we had a black president all of a sudden.
Yeah, so where did the tea party come from?
I thought it was because they drank pee and peed on each other.
Remember, it didn't connect, so I'll try it again.
Do what now?
The fucking banging's going on outside.
Hello?
Just send a brother over.
Hello?
Hello.
Shelly.
Big Shelly.
Yeah, she picked up and hung up.
I don't know why.
I was talking about hammering, getting loud.
Oh, maybe you should have heard that, yeah.
For $225 a month, you can rent this asshole's living room.
Let's give him a call.
Oh.
But it's like 7 in the morning over there where he's at right now.
We'll try it, but.
That'd be kind of awesome.
I should have waited until.
Imagine me, like, having this living room.
I should have waited until later to do a show.
Too early.
Come on.
We're up.
A whole piss of vinegar.
Motherfucker.
Jay, you got a...
You're renting out your living room?
That's what I've been taking already.
Can I...
I just need it for a few hours.
Yeah.
I want to film a video.
I'm going to pork my wife
and put it on video.
A couple hours,
like an hour or two, or...
Yeah, like two hours.
Two hours max.
Maybe it'll just take an hour
to set up the cameras, you know,
and then I'm going to
fuck my wife in your living room
and make a video out of it,
and then we might have to do
some retakes real quick,
a few angles, you know,
in case we...
Huh?
Yeah, but when are they leaving?
Are they leaving for the day?
And I just need an hour or two just to have sex with my wife.
That's it?
What's the problem?
I don't know.
It's been taken already.
That's a little extra money.
Can I use your bathroom?
Can I fuck my wife in your bathroom and film her?
Oh, strange.
That's kind of strange?
I don't like to do it in my house.
I think it's strange to make a porno to share on the Internet, you know,
and people see your real house, so I put other people's houses in there.
I usually just, can I break into your house?
When is no one going to be at home?
And I'll break in.
Yeah, break in.
I'll break in.
When is everyone gone for the day?
Good check-in.
I'm going to have to pass on that.
Oh, no, I'll leave some money there, you know?
No, I'm going to have to pass.
I'll leave some money on the table, and then when you get home,
I'm going to be like, oh, my God, I've been broken in.
So no one knows what, you know.
Between me and then I leave a little envelope there with your money on the side,
you know, and you just act like you're so shocked
so everyone else doesn't know you were in on it.
Come on, I'm giving you a cut of the fucking video, the fucking porno.
Come on.
How much are you talking about?
Well, 10% of what I usually get will be about $2,300.
Yes.
Hello?
What do you want?
Can I help you?
I was talking to the man.
Put him on the phone.
I'm going to talk to you, you stupid bitch.
You know what?
You're not going to be hella rude to me, and you're not going to be hella rude to my fiancée.
So I don't know who the fuck you are, but you're going to stop.
I'm going to fucking throw harassment charges on you.
Bitch woman.
I'm harassing myself.
Bitch woman.
Bitch woman.
Your mama's a bitch and your daddy's a trick.
So I Bill Cosby laughing.
Put the man back on the phone.
Your mama's Bill Cosby, bitch.
Your face is a vagina.
Your face is a big black pussy-lipped vagina.
I'm not black.
Your face is black.
Your face is black.
My mama's a bitch.
Okay, you got me.
That's why your mama be on the corner selling her ass.
You got me.
I'll never call you again.
Yeah, bitch.
You win.
Your mama's a hoe.
You won.
You won.
Oh, man.
Don't say it.
Your mama stay on the corner selling her pussy for a dollar.
All right.
She be sucking fat McDonald's cheeseburger.
And she be sucking dicks.
All right.
Be sucking dick, bitch.
Yeah.
Your fiance sucks dicks also.
All right.
You suck dicks, baby.
He sucks dicks when you're not around.
You can eat pussy.
That's why he was eating shit last night.
That's nasty.
Your mom is more stupid.
You're in a coffin and shit, and you're talking about getting your pussy eaten?
It's fucking gross.
Listen to that.
Ew.
Ew.
What's up, you ugly ass?
Nasty bitch.
You probably got four eyes, and got no house, and got no job, nigga.
Get out of the fucking farm, bitch.
I'm in a wheelchair, too.
Ma'am, I don't want a fucking Lamborghini.
I'll run you over with it.
I'm in a wheelchair, too.
I'm on the government dole.
My name's Matt Hillock.
And out of the gun.
Okay, that was fun.
I told her I'd call again, so let me call again.
It's nice that that's what made her hang up.
Can I talk to her?
Yeah, talk to her.
She's a real sassy fucking...
Hello?
Hey, sassy broad.
I like how you pick up the phone.
You got all mouthy.
How fucking effeminate and pussy whipped...
How pussy whipped is your faggot fella
to let you be talking
and be the man of the relationship?
relationship pussy i'm i am a fucking scumbag yeah hey what's it like having a pet boyfriend
he's your goddamn pet you stupid cunt bitch you stupid yeah what is it like no my my hat's off
to you it's nice that you fucking got a little trick bitch fuck you no he's he's he's your
Hey, shut up, Josie.
You gotta fucking, you're like, eat my pussy, you fucking stupid cunt.
Hey, what's it like?
Is it cool?
I remember you bitch ass niggas.
Yeah, I know.
Hey, what's it like having a punk ass little boyfriend that'll do whatever you want?
He doesn't know shit.
Yeah.
He's the fucking punk.
Of course I'm talking about him.
You don't like big bitches.
to my pussy, bitch.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I'm asking,
what is it like to have a pet boyfriend?
Judas.
You sagging ass nigga.
You know why, bitch?
Why don't you just answer my question,
you stupid cunt?
Bitch, why are you calling my phone
asking me any type of questions, bitch?
Are you a motherfucking faggot?
Yeah, I'm not.
I thought, am I a faggot or am I a bitch?
What am I?
You're just throwing out insults.
It makes no sense
Wait
I'm asking
Jesus
Shut up
Wow
That's pretty funny
They're gonna have
A hot night
What's the mother one
They're gonna have
A hot night
Tonight
Are you calling them back
Yeah
This is getting interesting now
What the
Are you
My phone for
Hey honey baby
How are you
Don't be like that
Who the fuck is this
This is Eddie
How are you
It's who
Eddie
I'm trying to holler at you
Nah
Holler at somebody else
I wanna holler at you
I got a bunch of
hot dogs here. I want to grill them up for you.
Man, grill them up for your stupid baby.
I got something in red light here.
Bitch, you better sell that motherfucking
hot dog here on the corner, bitch, for $1.25,
bitch, and get your money, because you a bum.
Yeah, but I'll get you something with the money.
What do you want, honey? What do you want?
You a trick. You want a pearl necklace?
You a prick. You a pearl necklace?
You a nigga laughing.
Who the fuck is y'all niggas, bro?
Y'all just call people and talk
shit to people? Y'all really need some life.
We're from 98.6 the mile.
Who's the other girl in the back now?
Who's that?
How's her pussy taste?
Did your man eat her pussy too?
It tastes like sadness
and depression and poverty.
And cheap government cheese.
Hey chiquitita,
me gusta los negros.
I like how the punk-ass boyfriend's been silent after this fucking broad started yipping.
He's sitting there cowering with his tail between his legs.
She hit him on the nose with the newspaper and said,
No. No. No. You do not answer the phone. No. Stupid pet boyfriend. Sit in the corner. And he's like, yes, ma'am.
No.
No.
Wake up, Jose. Wake up, Jose.
I woke up. I woke up.
Okay, good.
Alright, bye, black ladies.
Hey, no, they're white girls.
They're wicker toilet slaves.
Oh, bye.
Hugs and kisses, sweetheart.
We keep them on, right?
We'll keep the girls on, all right?
I like them.
They're sassy, sassy black women.
I got breaking news, guys.
Breaking news from Jose from last night.
The company Elbow got hacked.
who it's a a b o d e adobe yeah
you need to kick out these stupid broads you can be their new
hell yeah man i got a monster
i'm gonna let you drive drive me across country
angry i don't know i thought the extra was here as we go into cornfield
i got yes i drive good okay i'm just like a little bit better than the reed elbow
company elbow elbow yeah a-d-o-b-e adobe all right man here i'm losing my voice actually
losing my voice here's a papa john's where they do
are you black girls there still
black girls
hey boy how you doing
there was this woman in there I guess she's the manager
she was doing all this grout work
why was she doing grout work in the middle of the day
like that
she was doing grout work
all over the place
and gotten the food
and everything.
Yeah, I wasn't here
for that, though.
Well, I've been having
problems ever since.
Oh, man.
Sounds pretty bad.
Yeah, it's been bad.
Want me to put you on hold?
Yeah, come on.
It's got to be quick.
Yeah, give me one minute.
One minute, all right?
All right.
You want to talk to Sheila?
Yeah.
Yeah, one moment.
Hold on.
Thanks.
At PapaJohns.com
to start earning points
towards free pizza.
That's a big Sheila.
He never will be right with you.
That is basically a cheer for Elmo, her demon name.
That's for you.
It's time for Papa's Choice, a large Papa John's pizza loaded with any three toppings of your choice.
She's on the phone right now.
Might be on hold for a minute or two until she's off.
Who's she talking to, you know?
I have no idea.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Hey, who's this?
This is Eddie.
Eddie?
Yeah.
Eddie?
Tell her to get on the phone and stop being stupid.
open yeah one minute matt put me back on hold on eight big slices and add one to any pizza order
for just five dollars for a limited time papa john's the official pizza sponsor of the nfl
you've got a fix for your thirst you can get icy cold pepsi products delivered right to your door
along with your papa john's pizza ask about our newest drink additions and flavors we think you'll
enjoy thanks for calling a team member will be right with you and don't forget you can order
What are Papa John's Pizza?
We're holding this to Sheila.
Why are you asking what my name is and all that stuff before you get on the phone?
I'm sorry?
Why are you asking what my name is and asking what it's about and all that before you get on the phone?
What's the big problem?
You just get on the phone, and I said I need to talk to you, and that means you need to get on the phone and talk.
It doesn't mean it's time to ask, you know, what's his name and what's he got?
Let's call all the people.
I apologize. Who am I speaking to?
It's Eddie.
I've been coughing ever since I was in there
and you were I guess there was this grout work
going on there was all that grout dust
you were doing grout work and there was all this dust
all over the place okay how can I help you
my lungs got all messed up
I've been coughing and coughing ever since
I've been getting lung therapy
and I got like an effervescent
spray that they put in my mouth
and they make me breathe it in
and they give me like this coffee enema twice a week
now are you writing all this down
John, what are you typing?
What are you typing?
Okay, what was the telephone number that you used to place the order?
I just, I came in and I asked.
I made an order and then I came back.
Okay, and what was the telephone number that you used to place the order?
I didn't give one.
Sure, we have to ask for a telephone number.
It won't allow us to place an order with that one.
Shut up for a second and I'll tell you.
You shut up.
Okay, Eddie.
Have a nice day.
No, don't hang up.
I like these sassy brothers still quietly sitting there.
I hung up on them and I'm dialing them again.
So how's your day going, Carlito?
Bullshit.
Hello?
Hello?
Hi.
Hi, ladies.
Where the white women at?
All right, they don't even want to mention anything or talk, so fuck them.
They're like, we're done with this.
This shit got a little too real, real for us.
I think our best advice is just to hang up and make them more interested.
Couldn't bother again.
Yeah.
We got a person named Matt who dropped his phone.
Can't text due to the screen being cracked
Call him up pretending to be a Verizon wireless tech
Is it Matt Hillock?
I don't think so
This came back in September
So I don't know
Yeah, I don't know if this is going to be any good
We'll try it
Probably not, I haven't done Request a Prank in a while
Oh look, it's Zyklon
Here's another asshole
Hey, hi
Bye
Bye
Oh shit, I'll get him back on
Hang on, hang on, Zyklon, don't go anywhere
where i'll connect you back let me get the boys back on here let me plug them in there there we
go i'm gonna put it on how are you i'm doing good long time no talk zygon yeah i've been having to
work a lot well selling lots of guns i guess it's a busy time for goddamn suckers we're losing
everything man losing everything gotta buy guns to protect ourselves from obama
Actually, right now, we've got to protect ourselves from the damn Republicans.
The Republicans, Obamacare, we've got to protect ourselves.
We've got to buy guns to protect ourselves from Syria.
...has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.
Try and map it.
...has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.
Listen to him.
...is not available.
At the tone, please record your message.
When you finish, sorry, operator assistance is not available at this time.
Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.
Is not available.
Let's all say it again.
Ma, ma, ma, ma.
Everyone say it.
Come on.
Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma.
If you're satisfied with the message, press 1.
To listen to your message, press 2.
To message review.
Ma, ma, ma, ma.
If you're satisfied with the message, press 1.
To see your message with normal delivery, press 1.
Cool.
Sent.
He'll get a nice funny message there, and he'll make him smile a little bit.
And make his day.
He will make his day.
Thank you.
All right.
Let me go back to the map here.
I already called this neighborhood.
Consumer Credit Counseling Service.
Yay.
Let's call them.
Oh, it doesn't give me a number.
Maybe not.
Ah, here's a Verizon wireless retailer.
We'll call them and give them some shit about the phones.
Excellent.
Or give them shit about NSA.
Yeah, I'm sure that'll be hilarious.
Okay.
You go ahead.
No.
They're, like, the worst about data security, Verizon is.
Just turned it right over.
Like, oh, sure, here.
Yeah, fuck.
Look at my awesome mug.
Thanks, Colin Verizon.
I'm at Solar Sales.
Candace, how can I help you?
Hey, my name is Matt.
Like Matt.
Matt.
Matt.
can i help you yeah uh which android what's the hottest selling android phone you have now
i was retarded well honestly it sounds like a new character like autistic or retarded
like matt no my name is my my name is
people just want to hang up they don't give a shit yeah it's either works
commission so yeah they probably don't give a fuck about prank calls yeah they don't give a
shit about people called like oh fuck that sounds like too hard of a sale fuck that all right here's
the shell station that we called earlier and the guy said come like who has more disposable income
I think I'm in the handy yet, people.
Giant cans of Old Style for the win.
I finished my tequila bottle officially today.
Yeah, but you have two more, dummy.
I call it tequilia.
Mer, mer.
Mer.
Good morning, Charlie.
I'm like a speaking canopio.
Yeah, hello.
My name is Mer, and I think we were talking earlier.
My name is Mer.
Yeah, she doesn't want to talk.
She doesn't want to talk to me anymore.
Dude, man, you might as well just be saying hate crime racial epithets or something.
Can we call back to that guy's back?
I'll pretend to be your older brother or something like that.
I shouldn't drink that piss.
No answer here.
Calling Chalo's Hair Salon, Mexican.
Chalo's, right?
Cholo's.
I'm calling Cholo.
Ozair, are you a Cholo?
No, I'm not.
You should be.
Sorry, the mailbox is full.
and there is not enough space to leave a message.
Thank you for using the Bluetooth.
They're just stupid to know how to empty it.
I guess.
They just can't get it to save, save, save.
No, I bet they've never went to it.
Yeah.
My next girlfriend, her dad, he first got a computer really late, like 2001,
and every email he would get, he would print it.
I got in trouble kind of because I'd say,
what are you printing for?
That's stupid.
It's fucking emails.
I'll have to have everything on paper
That's fucking stupid
You're printing fucking spam email
You're printing fucking chain letters and shit
That's a waste of paper and ink
It's really stupid
I wonder when he finally stopped printing his email
It was like a whole year
He had like three fucking binders and shit
He let you fuck his daughter
Of course he's stupid
Yeah you got a point
Thanks Matt
For some reason when he started going off on the stupid bit
I was expecting him to say
I, fuck you, son of a
bitch, I fuck you.
Hey, Charlie's fucking hilarious.
Yeah, call
that angry Indian guy
back at the Chinese place.
I don't know that I have his number
offhand. I think I saved it, but I didn't.
Did I save it?
I didn't label it.
Dude,
he got about
broke. He sounded like he was crying
and shit. Yeah, he's like, just come here.
here. I give it free.
Just come here. That guy was funny.
Yeah, he's like, fucking just come here.
I just want to see you. It's almost like
a cross between Charlie and an idiot guy.
Yeah, yeah. And he kept saying, son.
He's like,
come on, son.
What's the one
we can't not hear in the one
that said, if you are
blood of your father.
Thank you for calling an authorized dealer.
To speak with a sales representative,
press 1.
For billing and technical support, press 2.
Doesn't it sound like some old cyber shit?
It'd be like, William, William Gibson is a hot dog.
It's a cyber punk.
Say about things that I don't understand.
I'm not waiting anymore for that fucking line to pick up.
Damn it.
There goes that plan.
well let's go to south florida let's check out good old fort lauderdale see what's going on
down there today or today rather they're rocking and rolling probably dolphins are actually winning
fuck the dolphins giants could try winning i could try winning fantasy football i don't win
any games yeah i'm playing do you think i should have a shot of big loads at beating lonesome this
this week i don't know man he's four now that's i don't want to say i'm surprised i thought i was
gonna kick dirty aaron's ass last week i was so pissed when he beat me sorry man that shit happens
yes it does shit does happen here here is tuscan table i think they're open by now time is it 11
17 maybe here's a here's a gazebo cafe kathy's gazebo cafe this is in boca raton mouth of the
The Rat, Florida, motherfucker.
Yeah.
As I continue losing my voice even more and more.
Rock and roll.
You sound good.
I'm 2-1-2.
I'm Def-N-C, and the other one, I am in M-C.
He wants to be a part of y'all's club.
This is the cafe.
This is the gazebo.
Yes.
This is the gazebo?
Yes.
They have nice birds flying around.
Who?
Birds.
Huh?
What's that?
Yeah, birds, stupid.
stupid he said something on tour to me in some language there at the end said something
it sounded unkind
who was that guy that just said a curse word on the phone when he hung up who who is this
that arab man that ethnic man he said a curse the home man yeah the man some man was just
talking to me on the phone and he hung up the phone i mean he said a curse word i don't know
I don't know who I'm talking to here.
My name is Billy.
You goddamn Jew voice woman.
Pardon me?
I'm talking...
My name is Billy.
How are you?
Okay.
You old Jew.
You talking to me?
My name is Billy, and I'm talking to the other guy that hung up on me.
You old Jew.
What?
Who are you, I'm asking you?
I said my name is Billy, you old crow, you old fart.
Go to hell.
Go to hell.
There's actually a trailer company called Heil.
Every time I see one, I'm tempted to do the pile.
I'm tempted to drive my car into them.
Damn right.
Oh, shit.
You ruined it.
You ruined it for everyone.
I ruined my own call.
Here's the griddle.
Yeah, the griddle.
That's what it's called.
Oh, those Mac griddles, dude.
Those are the bomb, man.
No, they're stupid.
Ed, look, why are you naked?
Wait, what?
Why are you naked?
What are you doing?
I'm not naked.
You are.
Why is your camera up?
Naked Jose camera.
That's not something I want to provide.
Thank you, Carlito.
Oh, you want to see it?
We have a video of it.
For sure.
Share it with Zyklon.
Zyklon, watch it.
No, I don't want to watch it.
Watch it.
Yeah, hey, my friend Jose, is he in there?
He has a pretty penis.
I'm supposed to meet him there.
I'm sorry.
This is a restaurant, and I think you're being inappropriate,
and you should not play on the phone.
Thank you.
No, I just need to find out if Jose is in there.
That's what she said to you, Matt.
Little bitch.
I dug her.
Jose and his pretty penis.
Hello?
Yeah, is Jose there?
Uh, no, he's not.
Is there any man there with a pretty penis?
No, and I have your phone number, and if you call here again, I'm going to call the police, so stop it.
Do you have a big clit?
Okay.
All right, bye.
She's got a big elephant nose.
Elephant nose clip.
One more time.
This is when it happens.
One more time.
Let me talk to her.
Okay, Zyklon.
Hello?
Looking to see if my girlfriend Carla is there.
She's a Latino with big titties.
No, no, she might be.
You just called like three times.
Stop calling.
This is a restaurant.
I just fucking called.
Labia.
Really?
I just fucking called.
Do you see my girlfriend?
Her name is Carla and she has big titties.
Labia.
Uh-huh.
Do you have big titties?
What?
She said, yeah, she's there.
Are you sure?
She said, uh-huh.
Can't post pictures.
Man.
Man, oh, man.
She didn't talk about calling the police at the time, though.
National Chef Supply and Uniform Machine.
I like when you say machine.
After something, it makes it funny.
You sound like someone just fed you a bunch of, like, really relaxing pills.
Matt almost called you milkman.
Yeah.
What's wrong?
You slowed down there all of a sudden.
I'm fucking, yeah.
Yeah, I'm, like, nodding out.
Hey, shut up for a second, okay?
I said shut up for a second.
I'd like to see if you have size up to, like, extended sizes for men.
In what?
In uniforms.
Okay, jacket, pants, shoes, tell me what you're referring to.
I don't like shoes.
I don't wear them.
Pants, okay?
I got my own underwear.
I don't need help with that.
I'm married.
No, thank you.
Like a jacket.
Do you have scrubs there?
No, we have chef uniforms.
Oh, just food. Food grade. Food industry, right?
Well, fabric.
Do you have the one with the flames on it? The chef costume with the flames on it?
No.
That's a word. I'm flaming. Jesus Christ, I'm hot.
And I pour a gallon of water on myself.
No.
Yeah, I threw a goldfish tank up against the wall once. I got so mad at work.
Like a goldfish bowl?
Yeah.
Yeah, I threw it at the wall. True story.
Hi, this is Eddie. How are you?
Good, Eddie. What's happening?
I threw a gold... I work... I'm a chef, you know?
Okay.
Yeah, and I need to see if you have big man sizes there.
Big man?
Yeah, I'm a big man.
How big are you?
How big a boy am I?
Let's say a 3X or a 4X.
3X on a good day if it's nice and loose, you know.
Nice stitching on it, it'll hold up.
I sweat a lot in between my legs and my crotch.
You know, that part right there, it sweats a lot.
So it wears the pants down.
You know that part down there?
Do you have anything reinforced in the part between your legs and your balls?
You know that part I'm talking about?
Oh, he's gone.
He didn't want to talk about that.
I don't blame him.
I liked it.
That was fun.
Fat man.
Sweaty.
National Chef Supply?
Hey, baby, how are you?
Who's this?
Oh, this is Eddie.
I was calling before.
I wanted the 3X, 4X pants for Chef.
Okay.
To make a chef, you know?
So that guy hung up on me.
Why?
Why is he doing that?
Is he stupid?
What guy?
Some guy that was over there.
Some rude asshole was there, and he hung up the phone.
Okay.
Wait, where is he now?
What kind of pants do you want?
Black pants, three eggs for four eggs for chef.
Okay, we got them here.
Shut up for a second.
They need to be reinforced in the part in between the legs and the crotch.
They need to be reinforced.
That's funny.
I needed to sew a diamond in there.
They're like, you know what?
I don't take that shit from nobody.
Click.
Just have the same business.
They just can't be throwing away every jackass customer.
I know, right?
Hey, I got to play some prank calls so I can get some more water.
and take a walk, a creative walk, you know?
Yeah.
Creative walk.
Hey, guys.
Nice to be on.
I'm going to go ahead and head on out.
Good.
See you later.
I think it's food.
All right.
You forget me.
Good.
Later, buddy.
Bye, Zarko.
I'm hungry.
Well, tell your mom.
We'll wake your mom up and have her make you a tortilla.
Jesus Christ.
You live with your mom, don't you?
Yeah, I live with my grandparents.
My grandma is feeling sick right now, so.
You say, hey, you bitch, get up and throw the spatula at her.
She actually went to the hospital yesterday.
Yay.
Is she okay?
Yeah, she's okay.
Did they drain the fluids from her knees?
Is she good enough?
As a chef, four months ago, she had, like, open heart surgery.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
That's okay.
I'm sorry to make fun.
Okay, well, if the computer here would go on, right?
I'm sorry she survived.
Wow, man, really?
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
This is good.
yeah but he's he's my buddy so yeah it's cool i don't know we're just joking around here
shut up shut up shut up i'm back i just heard you guys talking as i don't shut up
how are you guys what did i miss you guys talk all over the prank call
yeah of course dude yeah i didn't know it was on stream and then josie's like oh yeah
Yeah, if you ever complained about it in the chat just now, we're just talking about it.
That's okay.
I'm just kidding.
I love you guys, you know.
Yeah, well, thank you.
I love you too, buddy.
Yeah, I wish we were all together right now.
I'm going to go to Chicago.
Come on.
That'd be dope.
That's the trip I want to take is to Chicago and get out of here for a while.
Go to Chicago and hang out.
I don't know.
I want a hot dog.
What's good in Chicago?
The faggot pizza?
Is that what's good, Matt?
I like hot dogs better.
Matt, I'll hang out with you, but it's just no offense.
I don't want to stay with you because you're peeing and drinking your pee and stuff, you know?
Well, and I'll make you sleep on the floor like a fucking hungry little asshole.
I'll get a room.
You can hang out in my hotel room if you want.
Yeah, I certainly will.
Okay, but I'm not going to.
Then thank you.
Because you got pee everywhere.
You probably got piss bags, piss bottles, piss bags.
You're a disgusting fucker.
Man.
I got two urethral bottles right next to me right now, see?
What's the weirdest thing?
Where's the weirdest place or thing you shit into?
I don't know.
I just shit in the toilet.
I guess it's my pants.
Your pants?
That's not weird.
That's okay.
Yeah, it sucks.
It feels real.
We get this little box of shit I got next to my thing.
the cup with it where i spit tobacco juice all the rubber bands to urinal bottles this is dope
dope i tell you son is dope nice all right let's continue i'll keep trying to do a show for as long
as i can don't know how long it's gonna be i'll keep trying to ruin it apparently hey uh horse is
in the chat room what's up horse horse machine is here yes everyone say hi to horse give horse
a good pat on the back welcome hi horse hi horse horse is here dark stranger too
dark stranger speaking of horses yay
x is a cute broad she got a nice rack right me and matt were yeah we're describing they're
jerking off at the same time like yeah she's got those nice baloney tits she you know she's
You're really getting this right.
Like, for Drew.
Yeah.
For realsies.
Okay, let's try to call that tech support number motherfucker that I tried to call earlier
that wasn't working.
Well, they had us all.
They had a high hold time.
Yeah.
I'm just going to ask...
We're going to go ahead and disconnect you instead of letting you wait.
That's the way we fucking...
It's Friday.
We just fucking...
You know, it's going to take us too long to get to you.
You're out of the air.
For questions about your bill, press 1.
Is that your internet service provider?
Is that your ISP?
Not my ISP.
I've never heard of it.
We'll try them later because they've got a whole time now.
Fuck it, they've got a whole time.
You know, maybe they have an outage.
I don't know.
Okay.
what what's up man not much so you just drank it did
you just drink a tequila straight there how long did it take you to drink the bottle buddy
I drank, like, three inches of it.
Three inches?
He had three inches left.
He's making a big deal.
Yo, I am so drunk.
No, I still drank some pills.
Oh, my God.
Don't do that.
Really?
Only like a little.
Whatever.
I ate the vine.
Don't do it.
What did you have?
Are you going to tell us what you had?
What did you eat?
Nothing.
I drank some hydrocodone.
That's all.
You ate it.
It's pussy shit.
Anyway, that's cool.
cool this is the boss call animal clinic this is elise can i help you hey man you guys give your
dogs hydrocodone that's pussy shit you know excuse me it's pussy shit to give that to a dog
hydrocodone it doesn't help out the dog at all with his problems who is this oh this is bill
and bill who bill cross are you a client here god yeah your voice is just like so annoying
Is there a man I can talk to?
God, she is so annoying.
She's making my balls go up into my fucking body.
God.
This is like, we're out of here.
Talk to me.
You talk, stupid rat.
Cole Animal Clinic, this is Elise.
Can I help you?
It's you again.
Seriously, my testicles are going up into my body.
That's how disgusting your sound is from your mouth.
Yeah.
Whatever.
It's like, my voice is perfect.
Whatever.
I know everything's awesome about me because I'm a fucking single woman that works at a vet clinic.
Here's the Jaffe Animal Clinic, home of Paul Jaffe.
Let's call Jaffe.
I'm just going to say Jaffer Jaffa or something stupid.
I'm going to be stupid.
This is probably going to go nowhere.
I don't care.
I want to make a funny noise.
Okay.
King Jaffrey Jaffer.
Jaffee Animal Clinic.
Jaffee?
Yeah.
Jaffee Jaffa?
Jaffee Animal Clinic?
Jaffe Animal Clinic, home of Dr. Jaffe Jaffo.
It's Dr. Sosa who we have now.
Dr. Sosa?
Mm-hmm.
Is he from Cuba?
I don't know.
Well, we'll find out what his ethnicity is real quick.
Go, honey.
I command you.
Go.
Okay.
He's in a treatment room right now.
People pull people out of treatment rooms all the time.
Go ahead.
Okay.
What's your name and number?
And I can have someone call you back.
This is Gama DeSoto.
Okay.
Can you spell your last name?
G-E-S-O-T-O.
D-A-S-O-T-O.
First name is Gamma.
D-A-M-M-A?
Yes.
Okay, and what's your phone number?
I don't have one.
So how do we call you back?
Well, I can call back after you get the answer.
Okay, what is it that you're needing?
What is his ethnicity?
Where is he from?
And his parents, are they from Cuba or Brazil?
Okay, I don't understand why you need it.
Do you have a sick animal?
Yeah.
You do.
Okay, well, we can call you back.
I just need a contact number so I can reach you.
I don't want to, I don't have that right now.
I need to find out first if he's, you know, what his ethnicity is.
There's certain ethnicities that I don't support, you know?
Okay, all right.
You know what?
He's in treatment right now.
Go, go, pull him out.
Go, go, damn it.
No, I cannot do that, sir.
I'm sorry.
You'll have to try calling back.
Listen, this is the problem with the woman.
This is the problem with the woman, you know?
I'm sorry.
I can't help you.
Yeah, stupid.
The entire time I've been looking for my mute button.
I'm too fucked up.
I'm seeing dumb shit.
What the fuck is that thing?
Okay.
Yeah.
Looking for Little Havana.
Okay.
Little Havana.
Where's Little Havana in Miami?
I think it's out down by Hialeah, right?
If I remember correctly.
Oh, yeah.
It's down there, Hialeah.
All right.
Here we go.
I almost moved to Little Havana.
I'm so happy I didn't.
I would've turned out really different.
I would've been hard.
I would've been like five years old when we moved there.
I would've been like, prank calls, fuck that.
Fuck this, they got niggas to shoot.
They got niggas to shoot.
Anyway.
Thanks for calling Walgreens.
Here's the main menu.
To order prescription refills.
Alright, I'll connect you.
Do you need to speak to someone in one moment
while I connect you to someone who can help you?
Your moment.
Please remain on the line to speak with a member of our staff.
You're holding at the pharmacy.
Thank you for coughing so loud.
Here's a mouthful.
Hello?
Hello?
Did she really hang up just because I was coughing?
Jesus Christ.
It's a fucking pharmacy clinic.
Like, they ever heard someone cough?
What a bitch.
Call them right back.
...at the southwest corner of...
Oh, fuck.
One moment while I connect you to someone who can help you.
Please remain on the line to speak with a member of our staff.
Sorry about the phone.
Get off the phone.
Is it really get off the phone?
Yeah.
Hello?
We're sorry.
Our staff is answering other calls.
Please hold on and we'll be with you shortly.
Get off the phone.
What a day.
Thank you for coming.
I'm Matthew.
Listen, why did you hang up the phone when I called earlier, you little shit?
Well, you just kept coughing.
Well, I was coughing because I'm sick.
I've been coughing.
Because I'm sick.
Because I'm sick.
And you're coughing in my phone.
I'm sick, you monkey.
Whatever.
What do you want?
Do you have any Dayquil?
Yeah.
Because I've been to three places already, and they don't have it, asshole.
That's why I'm calling first.
Okay, well, one, you're not going to keep insulting me because I am going to hang up on you.
Okay, honey, I'm sorry.
No, you're not going to keep doing it.
She's got a nice ass on you, don't you?
Goodbye, sir.
We have it, and you want to come and get it?
It's an Alman in the back.
Goodbye.
She's got a nice ass on you, huh?
Got some red ass in you.
Wow.
Okay.
She sounds like she'd be a good lay.
I hear a black girl right there.
Anyway, there you go.
Matt, that one's for you.
You can have her.
Nice red bone sassy bra.
Red bone sassy bra.
Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.
Seven.
Seven.
It's not available.
Okay.
Isn't that who
Cock Holiday used to be
And now it's called Sevensome
Yeah
There's a place called
Number One Marketplace
I was gonna call them
And tell them they really weren't number one
But they don't have a phone number
So never mind
That would've been funny though
I'd have been like
Really number one?
Seriously
Come on
Like number four
What's it mean to be
That high in the phone book?
Yeah
You're like top 20
Look at
Look at Josie
He fucking combed his hair back because he's been watching The Outsiders.
He's a greaser.
He's like.
It's like Richie fucking Valens, man.
Look at him.
Wow.
Okay.
It's like fucking I'm going to fuck with Diggity.
It's hard.
Here's the mobile homes where you go when your wife kicks you out and you need to rent a mobile home for a week.
This is the one.
Why?
I want a mobile home.
You want one?
I want one.
I want one, though.
Yeah.
I might buy one if I get big money.
They're not available now.
How do you place the same business?
How are you a mobile home and the home never moves?
That's my question.
Okay.
Value store and self-storage.
Let's ask them if they have a lead on Matt's stuff that he's going to lose here this weekend.
This weekend?
I don't know.
I've been offered money from awesome fans to save it.
I'm like, I don't want to be in a hock, but thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Wait, what kind of stuff do you guys have in the storage?
Marijuana, cigarettes.
Just everything I have in the world.
Hey, boy, how are you?
How can I help you?
Listen, I wanted to see if I can get a lead on what storage units are going to be coming up due pretty soon.
Yeah, that, you know, the people are going to have to lose their stuff in there
because I want them to come down and make an offer.
Okay, and what do you have to do to bid?
Is it for everyone? You've got to pay?
And I just say, yeah, yeah, motherfucker, yeah, like that, right?
Like, yeah, give me that, motherfucker, like that.
Yeah, and then I've got to, like, start fist-fighting people.
that yeah i start fistfighting people i intimidate them i tell them yeah you got you want to make a
uh bid on it you better know or i'll punch you you know all right you know that's i intimidate
the other people okay yeah and then i like to kick the what kind of doors you have in the units are
they like those garage doors like aluminum ones whether what's the customer doing i'm making a
payment so give me a second like a new customer or monthly payment monthly payment oh there's a
a good customer regular yeah give me one second oh that's cool okay i like to make him take longer
than they have to with stupid questions all the time oh yeah what are they doing he's like shut
up i gotta go anyway we'll call the phone doctor here the phone doctor and ask him about brad
hey sloth is here who sloth sloth yeah he's aware on chat on chat where madhouse chat yeah
he hasn't been for a long time he's an internet guy hello so good morning phone doctor hey it's
the phone doctor how are you buddy a sloth is here it's who sloth is here which which sloth
Sloth? No, Sloth is in the chat.
We're all excited about it.
Did you hear from Brad Carter yet?
He wanted you to fix his phone show.
Hello?
This is not John. It's Neil.
Oh, hey, Neil. How are you, baby?
How are you?
I'm fine.
Oh, that's good.
Hey, you got a nice little pretty penis on you, John was telling me.
Okay.
Yeah, so listen, phone doctor, right?
You fix phone?
Yes.
All right, so how much for you to fix the phone show?
because it really sucks lately we want you to fix brad carter's phone show because it sucks
brad carter yeah we want you to fix this phone show it's a piece of shit we want you to guys
fix it it doesn't work brad carter okay he also goes by roy sometimes roy gerbil i think okay
yeah write that down brad brad carter right there okay and your name is hey how are you how you
doing what is your yes hello how'd you all hold what can i help you with you asking about the
auctions, right? Sir, what company are you
calling from? Well, I had you on hold.
They called us. I'm calling from Value
Storage. Value Storage?
Yes. I am not sure who
you're trying to reach. This is a phone company,
so I'm not so sure. Alright.
No worries. You're stupid, man.
You dare boast really stupid.
They will talk to
each other all the time.
Hello? Hello?
Hello? I was just kidding,
Brad. Your phone show doesn't
to exist anymore but if it did it wasn't broken we're just making a joke we're just having a joke
we're saying ha ha ha that's all it's all fun and i'm sure brad understands that too that we're just
joking around if he's listening i think he's up i think i saw him like it like it look at me
standing up showing my crotch what's with you showing people cry i don't want to see your
crotch or your urine and stuff i'm not gonna give you money for that man not me that other guy did
right i mean jose might well slot if it was yeah it's a mighty man i'm coming over today
i'm coming over to chicago today but i'll i'll come over tomorrow but if you want to go to the
storage room to get whatever you want to have i can't get in it i'm locked out oh shit all you
need is you just need some bolt cutters i have bolt cutters they use that lock they're inside
With the ship all the way up.
Are they in the storage unit?
They're in the storage unit?
Yeah.
Okay, that's right.
I'm kidding.
That's scary.
You get in big trouble for that, man.
You can't do that.
They know the first person they're going to go to is you.
You know?
They're like, well, who do you think might have taken it?
Well, our prime suspect is the guy whose shit was in there.
Do you have anything good?
You said you didn't really have anything good in there, though.
I got a toy.
I got a lot of awesome toys.
Okay, like what?
Deep Space Nine figures, or what do you got?
No, like weird shit.
Sex toys.
Yeah.
No.
Okay.
Very good.
Would you like to, would you guys like to call a place called Adult Toy Storage?
Yeah, just Kentucky.
Yeah.
From what I understand, Adult Toy Storage, what they store there, it's like for, they'll
store your boat, stuff like that.
Like that kind of adult toy.
Oh, okay.
But I think it's funny to call and be like, adult toy, get it?
You store it, you know?
Like, man.
Yeah.
So that your wife doesn't find out that you have a dildo collection.
It's like little lockers to keep your flashlight in.
You just go there and fuck your flashlight and put it back in.
You go there and use the crapper.
Good morning, Adulterous. George Pat speaking.
Yeah, hello, ma'am.
Hello.
Is this a good time to store my toys?
A good time?
Yeah, like, you know, my wife is getting suspicious of me.
like having i have all these toys and it it's gonna be like a 10 like 10 feet box but i have
different kind of toys inside the box you know what i mean uh is it on wheels uh you could say
that the box is on the wheels but the toys are actually inside the box okay what size is the um
is it a trailer it's not a trailer it's like a regular box but it has wheels we only store
So, RVs, cars, and boats.
No, I'll pay good money if you like to store it, but I would like to come in there once in a while and play with my toys.
No, sir, we do not.
We would not be able to help you.
Why not?
In the ass.
Because you say it's a regular box.
Yeah, it's a regular box.
It's full of toys.
It's a regular cardboard box.
Bitch.
No, yeah, it's a regular cardboard box, but it has vibrators and everything.
You know what I mean?
Bitch.
Like I said, we're boats, RVs, and cars.
Bitch.
Okay, I do not authorize you to use the speaker thing, machine.
Bitch.
I'm sorry.
No, sir.
We would not be able to help you.
They're dildos.
You could use them, too.
Bitch.
Oh.
I just wanted to say bitch.
That was a good one.
Funny moment recently when they put me and Matt on speakerphone.
Oh, she's hanging right up.
And I was like, hey, guys, your boss jerks off in the office when you guys aren't working.
He didn't think it was funny then, did he?
He's like, shut up.
Like, hey, I got these jokers.
Everybody get around.
Look at how badass your manager is.
He's like, oh, your boss jacks off in the fucking office.
He's like scrabbling.
Oh, no.
How the fuck did I get out of the speakerphone?
You put me and Matt on speakerphone, we're going to fuck it up.
we're gonna be yeah well this is scream some fucking shit about lol jk it's just stillborn
there you go that was adult toy storage quite interesting that group of fellows right there was
a group of ladies let's say i guess it's more corporate no no you didn't like okay um
now i gotta who didn't like cry babies in the jet
Mm-hmm.
Hold on.
They cry a lot.
They do.
Indeed they do, and you will learn when you have your own show, when they start.
I'm going to be all about going in there.
I'm going to try to make them happy.
For questions about your bill, press 1.
There's also a lot of hateful cunts.
Your anticipated wait time is over 10 minutes due to the greater than expected call volume.
Please continue to hold or...
So the people are all
Shug up the workers
They're all fucking like no
Jesus Christ
Another one
Another customer's calling
I can't get on my email
I'm a business
Can't get on my motherfucking email
We can try to call the sales office
Cause they might not be busy
And we give them shit
They're gonna be like no we're the sales
I'll be ignorant that's what I'm gonna do
to be ignorant i'm gonna be like oh i'm ignorant i enjoy it if you say i'm ignorant that'll be
kind of awesome i'm ignorant i don't care no i didn't read none i'm no queer i like how we're
all quiet i'm ignorant i'm i can't get in my dot net mail motherfucker and then i call the line
to fix it and they say it's more than 10 minutes and i'm holding 60 70 minutes like a motherfucker
there and they can't get the fucking email working and then the message came on and said
we know there's a problem with dot net email motherfucker it said who are you gonna get on
fix this shit i want to talk to the ceo of the company well then call them what
Shitty customer service
Well then call
He's got his number
Stupid
He has his number
Dummy
I can't pick up anywhere
Yeah who's that now
I was just talking to Jason was it
Jason
I don't have any Jasons in my department
God damn it
This motherfucker I was just talking to
He said for me to go ahead and call the CEO
hung up on me he said like call your mama kind of and then just hung up the phone you were caught
you were talking to a department i just called this same motherfucking number right now and the
guy i called and he said i said i wanted to i was so upset i wanted to talk to the ceo of the
company and he said why don't you call him and call your mama and he hung up don't let me i
think it was you it sounded like you it was you up on me because i've been sitting here for the
last two hours without a call coming in and i'm part of the marketing i'm part of the marketing
marketing department this is bullshit it's a bullshit you know if you keep swearing at me i'm
gonna swear i'm gonna hang up i'm not the one you little monkey i'm not gonna swear you little
son of a bitch you're gonna swear at me i dare you no i'm not gonna swear at you okay i want to go
why are you swearing at me though i was not the person that was on the phone i'd be more than
happy to help you out but i don't want you to swear at me all right i'll touch your hair and
it's i'm sorry i'm just rubbing your hair right now like i'm sorry okay just imagine that all
Right, I'm imagining that.
If I was sitting down with you now, I'd be reasoning with you and touching your hair, stroking your head a little bit.
Sweet nothings?
Huh?
Whispering sweet nothings?
Don't be silly, okay?
Listen, Mike.
Well, you're the one that's swearing at me.
Shut up.
I want to help you out.
If you want to help me out.
If you want to listen to me, let me help you out.
My email doesn't work.
Okay.
And I had to hold for like 70 minutes, and what's this about?
All right, well, let me go ahead and transfer you over.
I'll talk to him.
I'll get somebody on the phone so you're not waiting.
I want you to wait with me.
That's what I'm doing.
All right, so you're going to be on the line with me the whole time?
Well, you can't.
There's no way possibly to do that.
It's called conference.
Yeah, but conference still doesn't have you in it
until I hit conference a second time once the second party gets joined.
No, no, no, you can conference while we're on hold.
Yeah, but you're not going to be on the line
because it's going to have to go to a second line to call out.
Yeah, but then you can conference at a second line.
Yeah, you can.
You hit conference and dial the number, hit conference again.
Yeah, so it won't come back in until the conference, so I hit it a second time.
We'll hit it a second time.
I'm going to.
When we're on hold, while we're waiting.
A second time, because I want to be able to talk with you while we wait.
Thank you for calling.
Customer care.
Mr. Sean, you're going to be recounting for a week.
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Hello?
Huh?
I put my account number in.
It didn't come up, huh?
No, it didn't come up.
I'm sorry.
All right, I'll put it in now.
Can you actually give me the account number?
Do I have to hit pound?
Is that why?
No, I can't see why you're typing into the phone.
All right, I'll type it again.
No, sir, sir, sir.
I'm not done yet.
I'm putting it in.
What's wrong with you people?
You need to give me the account number.
Oh, I am.
Hang on.
I got to start from the beginning because you interrupted me.
And then I hit pound.
Okay.
Can you tell me your account number?
Huh?
Can you tell me your account number?
Huh?
Okay.
That one.
Do you have a telephone number or anything you can give me?
A telephone number?
Area code first?
Yes, please.
What are you calling?
Can you actually give me your telephone number or account number or say it out loud?
Can you make the computer go?
What's going on today?
The computer does not go.
What do you mean it doesn't go?
It doesn't go.
We were looking for things, and I was looking for things.
I look for things on the computer, and now, right now, it doesn't go.
It is broken.
Well, I can't help you out without an account number or a telephone number.
Do you have one of those?
Can you make it go?
Not without an account number or a telephone number.
I know, but the telephone doesn't work.
I can't give you the number if it doesn't work.
Can you physically say the telephone number, though?
But it's not going to work.
I just need something I can pull your account up with.
Look up Gravity, Gravity, Gravity Machines.
Hello?
Is that the name of the business?
Yeah, and the computers do not go.
We're also called We Are Smart.
I need an account number or a telephone number in order to pull up your account here.
Oh, I can't help you.
Maybe you people are just so stupid, you know, that you don't understand.
Stan, is that what the problem is, that you people are so stupid?
I can't actually help you out until I have an account number.
Yeah, because you're so stupid.
What was your name, Jason?
You ought to be called shit for brains.
Sir, I'm going to drop the call here in a few minutes if you keep talking like that.
Your name is Jason.
You ought to be called shit for brains.
All right, have a good day, sir.
Okay, you too.
Thanks.
All right, cool.
There you go.
Shit for brains, Jason.
Just give him some shit to him, you know, hitting the buttons instead of giving him
the account number.
Ha, ha, ha.
Okay.
What was I talking about earlier, guys?
Sorry.
That was the doctor thing saying
my antispasm
medicine's been sent in.
So it's good news.
What's the good news?
It said that my antispasm
medicine's been called in.
Oh, good, good.
Dude, it shouldn't be
such a fucking hassle.
I don't know why they don't say
sex refills.
It's like all these
voicemail back and forth
bullshit. Oh, God, yeah.
It's so annoying with the pharmacy
and the refills and all that shit.
Yeah. It's stupid.
Here's a call
from an angry customer.
You ever heard of Right Now?
You ever heard that, Right Now?
No. Oh, the song?
No, not the song.
Motherfucker.
How can I help you?
Yes, I'd like to talk to you, the owner of the company.
I'm sorry?
You can't hear it.
I said I want to talk to you.
I'm going to have to put it on the computer machine.
Hang on.
No, I want you to hear it.
I don't want you to talk over and ruin it while we're listening to it like you did last time.
Remember?
I did ruin a thing.
I can listen to it on the stream if you want.
I got it.
I got it, honey.
Don't worry.
Thank you.
I just got to go to YouTube and put in right now customer service.
I should do it.
Hang on.
Let's see.
Right now customer.
customer yeah that was wasn't it like a van halen song yep it started off and going
it's like after they sucked you got sammy hager and yeah because i was in sammy hager was gone
or whatever right something or when he was there yeah here it is listen be quiet play here we go
um yes i'd like to talk to the owner of the company i'm sorry i said i want to talk to the
the owner of the company.
Okay, how can I help you, sir?
I've already told you, sir.
Okay, the owners of the company don't really interact with customers or clientele, so how
can I help you?
Well, somebody's going to have to, because one of them's going to have to, because y'all
can't handle...
Sir, with all due respect, the owners...
With all due respect, I want to talk to the owner of the company.
That's wonderful if you'd like to, but they're very busy people, and I...
Then get them on the line, sir.
Excuse me?
Then get them on the line.
I'm sorry, they're not available.
They'll stay on the line until they get on.
You're going to be getting charged a convenient fee of $25 a minute.
Sorry?
I'm really not understanding you.
What is it that you're calling about that I can maybe help you with?
Because you're robbing me.
So I need to talk to the owner of the company.
Okay, sir.
I've never...
I made my request.
You're refusing.
No, no.
It's not a refusal.
Okay.
It's to not speak to customers, especially ones that won't even express what the issue is.
So you want to...
I've already told you what the issue was, sir.
Listen, shut up and listen.
You didn't listen, did you?
You are listening.
Put the owner of the company on the line now.
My answer is no.
And my answer is yes.
Is what?
My answer is yes.
Get him on the line.
You must have a lot of time on your hands, I assume.
I do.
I have a whole bunch.
You keep the word over there, huh?
I am.
If you're as persistent as I am.
How are you going to take care of the bill you're creating with me today?
If you're as persistent as I am.
of the bill you're creating with me today?
As I was saying, if you were as persistent
in... How are you going to take
care of this bill you're creating today?
You would have been tremendously successful.
I want to talk to the owner of the company
on the line. About what?
I want to talk to the owner of the company right now.
It's not like there's one owner.
I want to talk to the owner of the company right now.
You're out of your mind.
I want to talk to the owner of the company right now.
Okay, you...
I want to talk to the owner of the company right now.
You're going to give yourself a heart attack. Right now.
You're not going to get what you want, especially when you don't have it.
I want to talk to the orange company right now.
Not a chance.
I want to talk to the orange company right now.
Not a chance.
Right now.
Not a chance.
Right now.
Not a chance.
Right now.
This is getting fun, huh?
Right now.
Hey, I get paid a salary anyway.
Right now.
It makes no difference to me.
I can sit here and keep doing this with you.
This is fun for me.
Okay, that's fine.
We'll sit here.
You're getting charged $25 a minute.
I'm getting charged.
I don't pay.
How are you going to take care of the bill you created with me today?
I actually get paid to talk to you.
How are you going to take care of this bill?
I don't even know what you're talking about.
How are you going to take care of this bill?
Stop the arm company now.
Stop the arm company screaming and actually breathe into a bag and stop hyperventilating for two seconds.
I want to talk to the arm company right now.
Okay, you know, I think you've got, like, the record playing, you know, in repeat right now.
Hey, that's right.
That's what I'm going to say.
I want to talk to the arm company right now.
Maybe you should play it backwards.
Right now.
Right now.
Right now.
Right now.
Right now.
Right now.
Right now.
Right now.
Right now.
Right now.
Right now.
Right now.
Right now.
Right now.
Right now.
Right now.
Right now.
Right now.
Right now.
At least you're consistent right now.
Holy shit.
I think if Dirk and Whiskey was as consistent as you, you guys would have won the loss yesterday.
Hey, I'm not a basketball fan, so it doesn't give me a bunch of shit.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I think it was on for another eight minutes, another five and a half minutes over.
I was just sitting there going, right there.
I want that dude over there.
I got there right there.
Hey, Carlito, what was that Chinese restaurant you called?
Man, it's China Walk No. 3 in Orlando.
That's all I remember.
I don't remember.
I thought I had seen on the map where it was.
I zoomed in on the area, and it didn't find any Chinese machines.
So I don't know.
I love that prank.
That guy's redneck is so funny.
he's he's making up his he's gonna set his own bill 25 a minute he's like fuck you i'm gonna
charge you 25 a minute right now now um imagine if i tried to pull that if i was mad at the company
i said first of all yeah i like that is pretty but seriously what's to keep him from doing that
why couldn't he just say you know what yeah i made my own fucking invoice and i'm sending
and Dell computer, $25 a minute, $10,000 bill right here, right now.
And I'll take them to court, motherfucker.
Right.
I'll send fucking, I'll sell your shit to the debt collector
so they'll bother the shit out of you.
Like, well, sir, you didn't have a contract with him.
Right now.
I don't care.
Okay.
Here's a florist.
Wake up, Jose.
Wake up, Jose.
I woke up.
All right.
Dude, how cool is it
With the Eastman sleeping in there
Right now
Who else is in this line?
There is
Just us three
Yeah, I want to talk to
The owner of the company right now
I'm angry
Okay
My dad's
Really upset back here
about you guys trying to calm him down see you hear him i don't know he just keeps saying right
now right now he's shaking a lot okay okay can you just tell me what's the problem i think you
guys sent the wrong flowers to something right now he won't he just keeps saying right now that
he wants the flowers right now okay funeral or something i think for his friend who was in the
korean war with him daddy what happened why are you so mad hang on let me ask him daddy what
What happened?
Right now.
Right now.
Right now.
Can we talk to the owner of the company?
I'm standing here right now, so I'm the one that has to fix this problem.
That's good.
Who is it going to?
Get it out.
Get it out.
You're doing really well.
I want to talk to the owner now.
He just wants to talk to the owner, he says.
He's not here right now.
I want to talk to the owner now.
Right now.
Right now.
Right now.
Sir, I need to know the name of the person that got the flowers so I can look for the information.
Hello?
That's right.
Sir, hello?
Yeah.
Can you give me the name of the recipient?
Right now.
Right now.
At least you're consistent. Right now.
Sir, in order to...
I want to talk to the orange company right now.
Not a chance.
I want to talk to the orange company right now.
Not a chance.
Right now.
Not a chance.
Right now.
Not a chance.
Right now.
This is getting fun, huh?
Right now.
Hey, I get paid a salary anyway.
It makes no difference to me.
I can sit here and keep doing this with you.
This is fun for me.
Okay, that's fine.
We'll sit here.
You're getting charged $25 a minute.
Well, he's going to charge you $25 a minute, he says.
Sir.
I'm getting charged.
I don't pay.
How are you going to take care of the bill you created with me today?
Sir, I need to get the name of the person or the person without the hang-up.
I don't know what is this.
I don't even know what you're talking about.
How are you going to take care of this bill?
I'll talk to the arm company right now.
Oh, stop arguing, Daddy.
Stop screaming and actually breathe into a bag and stop hyperventilating for two seconds.
I want to talk to the arm company right now.
Can you please connect us with the owner of the company before my dad has a heart attack?
Sir.
Yes?
Can you give me a name so I can help you?
I think you've got, like, the record playing, you know, in repeat right now.
Hey!
That's right!
I thought I was going to say, I want to talk to the arm company right now.
Maybe you should play it backwards.
Right now!
If you don't give me a name right now, I'm just going to hang up because I don't know what it is.
Right now.
Right now.
She stood out for so long.
How stupid.
I don't know if she even bought it.
It's kind of funny.
I was just trying to get something out of that.
Are we still looking for the China walk?
Do we have any luck with that?
I don't know.
You want me to look for it?
Let me try.
I don't think it was in Orlando, but in a town just a little bit north of it.
Wait, is Matt talking to us or does he have muted?
I don't know.
I don't hear him. I think he's muted.
Matt, you're muted. Anyway,
I think I found it. Wait, what?
I think Matt got
disconnected. Oh, well.
We'll call back. He'll be here. He's in the call.
He can call right back. There he is. Hey, Matt.
Here's the Chinese place from Tuesday. I think I
found it. Yay. Yeah, I'd like to make an
order for pickup.
Let's see. I'd like one
General Tso
Chicken. Yeah, with
the soup. Egg drop soup.
soup all right thank y'all soup yeah anything else one fried wonton with cheese all right
do you have boneless spare ribs yes we do one quart that's it that's it how long all right
we'll call him back and cancel and hopefully we get into the big war again
Now we're costing this guy another 20 bucks.
We are a company.
Right now.
All right.
So, any ideas, guys, where we can call?
No?
Good.
I'll keep going here.
I'm saving a number here real quick.
There we go.
Now I shouldn't lose that number again.
All right, going back to the map, we are going to call a farm.
This location, this farm in particular,
It sells organic meats and juices and milk and raw milk that hasn't been pasteurized.
I heard that's really good for you, Matt.
You should do that.
It'll help you out on your bones, on pasteurized milk.
Anyway, it's run by a reverend.
Reverend Camel owns it.
Let's give him a call and see what he's doing.
I wonder if he can milk a horse.
No, I don't think so.
I guess so.
They're a mammal, right?
They're supposed to be a milk-producing machine.
They got milk machines on them, I guess.
That sounds gross.
gross uh horse milk but sure go for it man whatever you want uh and that number is not
working never mind so instead right down the way here is the apostolic church of jesus christ
let's see what they're up to over there do do do do do do fart i'm gonna wait 10 minutes i
could have ended the show and i gotta wait to cancel that matt are you back yet matt are you
back yet matt not getting an answer there snowballs on ice cream from big perth hello
Yeah, you snowballs and ice cream shit?
You got snowballs and ice cream and shit?
Yes.
Do you have a grill or you just do ice cream and cold stuff?
I just do ice cream and snowballs.
Yeah, man, that's good.
You shave.
Yeah.
See, I'm unmuted.
I want a snowball, you fucking cunt.
Hey, don't be laughing.
I wanted a snowball.
What did you take offense with?
I had pressed the mute button on headset.
that's why i was acting so stupid you had the mute on for so long uh i know and i was talking
and i'm just like nobody's putting any mind to me i'm just like blah blah blah i told you once hey
you got mute on yeah but i thought it was unmuted and i thought i fixed it by stopping and restarting
the last time
I thought
you know what
you can talk to my
answer machine you perverts
blade and knife sharpening
yeah I bet Matt has a good thing
for that
horror movie he saw
horror movie
I just want to ask him
about sharpening my knife
because I want to do some blood play
I want to cut around the girl's fucking pussy lips
Jesus God
Hello?
Hi.
Calling about getting some Knives Sharpened?
Hey.
Hey, silly fucking broad.
Calling her right back.
Calling her right back.
Fuck her.
Calling her right back.
Bullshit.
That's bullshit.
It just hangs up on me because I'm fucking retarded.
Hello?
Hey, why'd you hang up on me, you stupid cunt?
I did it again.
Listener.
I don't need to talk to the likes of you.
I didn't even say nothing yet.
She's like
I just don't like the sound of that prick
He sounds like he'd fuck my daughter
You fucking cunt
Don't hang up on me
Sharpen my knives
I got blood play party to have
Blood play nice
Yeah
Yeah
That's how I talk to the prostitute remember
I don't like fucking with prostitutes
Everybody in the chat room
Is always like
Call the fucking prostitutes
these fucking cats that don't get laid much of women trying to eat leave them alone man
they're just trying to make some money yeah exactly but you know they're like you have the
worst fucking job it's it's illegal to start off with and fucking disgusting and their women
they're being degraded a lot some of them are being pimped down they're stuck yeah they're in
a bad place don't give a shit well unless it's like those thousand dollar fucking hoes and
Beverly Hills and shit you know then that's
different but they only fuck
like senators and fucking
basketball NBA players that's it so
they're chilling they're fine
like I don't understand
and I'm like them little poor
scumbags are fucking people
it is true what do you want to fuck
with them hey call an adult
bookstore and ask about dildos
yeah that's real clever
yeah I don't
Look, places I don't like pranking because they get pranked all the time.
Gas stations, I don't really like pranking them much unless they're, like, ethnic.
Yeah.
And then adult stores of any kind, it's always fucking boring because all they do is get pranked.
Everyone's done that.
Every human being's probably pranked when they were a kid.
Prank called gas stations.
Yeah.
Probably prank called 411.
Yeah, and called fucking porno theaters back in the day.
Yeah, you prank call these places just to fuck with them.
you know and mcdonald's i don't i i don't like doing as much because it's the same thing
yeah the ones at guam are pretty yeah they're pretty dumb hey i'm back home
it doesn't get gayer in here hey zax yay what's up third period's over what's going on man
i'm back home now it's 5 50 oh wow man that's cool he shoves some panties up in there to soak
of blood okay do you like gunplay in bed someone's asking me matt me yeah gunplay in bed if you're
i'd be terrified no i'd be terrified if i brought out a fucking gun all right so bridgewater asking
that on twitter no so according to matt knives are okay guns are not okay yeah i uh yeah i've
I've cut up broads and I've got blood all over my fucking face and blood on my dick and shit.
And they're blowing me.
Yeah, that's kind of weird.
I've got pictures of it on my other computer.
Very nice.
Your sexual computer.
Yeah.
Well, it's just my old computer.
I haven't downloaded a lot of shit on this.
Now it's the sexual computer.
Deal with it.
Okay, Matt?
Yes.
You're the sexual computer over there.
All right.
From overseas.
Here's Squarespace.
Squarespace
The player on Madhouse Live
Doesn't work on my college internet
It says no no
Flash player allowed
Oh really
They block flash
Hey
What did you call Adobe earlier
What did he call
I forgot dude
I'm already coming sober up
I'm sobering up
What did he say
say he's just looking stupid what the fuck did you call adobe like it's sure it's in the chat
room someone in the chat room remind us yeah what what does it say this show is ignorant yeah
i don't want to not forget i don't want to have to listen to it again oh man you know what company
what did you think his name was of that company that said they had a virus uh i'll think i'm not
Oh, for sure.
No.
I don't even...
It was like...
It was so off.
All right, take the heat off Jose.
He's...
I like Jose.
I would fuck with him if I didn't like him.
You know?
Yeah.
I just wouldn't talk to him.
There you go.
What's this?
It's Squarespace.
He's just not picking up.
Thank you for calling Squarespace.
We're not available right now.
Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you.
How do these places stay in business?
I know, right?
They're taking an extra long lunch on Friday, probably drinking beers on lunch.
How unprofessional.
I used to drink a lot of beers on lunch.
Fucking loose and shit.
Actually, I drank beers on lunch on the majority of my jobs.
I'll let you go somewhere.
All right.
Not time yet to cancel Chinese food, but we'll be doing that shortly.
Hopefully, get some more anger and hate and evil.
I certainly am.
What if he's like, okay, it's canceled?
Yeah.
Oh, okay, no problem
What did I miss?
My phone died
Nothing
You missed all the show, dude
I was in the conference until my phone died
What class were you in?
I used to do engineering classes
I was doing designing
of the machinery and such
Oh, did you create
a flip-flop circuit?
Shitty bullshit
with cogs and wheels
and moving things
stupid
sounds pretty
nah
sounds fun
most
most holy
redeemer church
I don't know why
we're calling churches
a lot today
look I'm just
house of bread
yeah we gotta call
house of bread
also
talk to
be nasty
to the nun
and sult her
I've called her a witch
and we both
asked her about
menstruating
menstruation
and labia
hello
yeah I was calling
about the labia
who would you like
to speak to
yeah this is
most holy
redeemer church
Church Catholic Machines.
This is the Mosul Redeemer Church.
Yeah, the bishop told me to call and ask about the labia.
Okay, can you hold on one moment, please?
All right.
God damn it.
This is Eddie.
Hold on, please.
All right, fuck.
All right.
Here we are waiting.
Diff, the winning.
Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
Can you hear the banging outside?
Yeah, it sounds like a bus going by.
No, it's the banging.
Like clunk, clunk, clunk.
Oh, I hear it, I hear it, man, totally.
It's fucking maddening, yo.
Adult toy storage, we already talked to you today, right?
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Hello.
Hello, McCuddy speaking.
Hey, hi, Father McGillicuddy?
Yes.
Oh, my God.
Listen, buddy, this goddamn bishop was talking to me on the phone,
and he said to give you a call about the labia, to get more information about it.
About what?
Labia.
What's labia?
L-A-B-I-A.
I don't know what you're talking about.
What is labia?
I don't know that's what I'm calling.
The bishop said call the Most Holy Redeemer Church and ask about Labia.
Talking to him.
Bishop O'Murahan.
He's in the Buffalo Parish.
No idea, Labia.
I don't even know what that is.
He's with All Souls Catholic Church Machine.
I have no idea.
Is there anyone else you can ask about?
It's Labia.
It's a special service, a Labia one.
Labia.
Labia service.
Are you calling from Buffalo?
Well, I'm on the way down there to Manhattan.
God damn it.
Now where the hell you guys are
I have no idea what that is
Can you ask someone else about it then
Because obviously you're slow or you have an epilepsy
You don't know what's going on
He doesn't know who Labia is
Well I guess he's a catholic priest
He wouldn't know anything about Labia
He doesn't even have a kid
I bet you if he would have said
Dirty bits of the broads that come crying you
He would have known
I hope he goes to the secretary
He's like that man was crazy
He was asking about something
Something called Labia
It should be like, oh my god.
Father, don't say that.
Don't say that.
What is it?
It's the pussy.
Type in
Codflap5.
There you go.
Hi. Speaking about
labia, here's Dark Stranger. How are you?
Hi.
Hey, everybody thinks I'm a boy,
so hi.
What? Why? Hey, Dark Stranger.
How's it going? Who thinks you're a boy?
I was complimenting
your fucking rack earlier.
You could be a boy with big old tits.
You can get those put in now, Matt.
That's normal.
Yeah.
Take some medication and grow tits.
It's routine. I should say it's routine procedure.
I didn't mean normal.
It's a routine procedure.
Yeah, I just didn't know.
I can't do it all the time.
Hey, fuck, I want some tits.
You can take
You take Ziploc bags.
You get your Adam's apple.
You can inject some, like, chicken fat in there.
You know.
Yeah.
You can get your Adam's apple taken out really easy through these things.
Jesus Christ.
Imagine a motherfucker cutting your throat up and take your Adam's apple out.
That's so crazy.
People go down to, like, the co and get that done, and then they die like shitty doctors
because they don't want to pay.
All right.
It's time to cancel Chinese food, I'm being told.
Let's cancel the Chinese food.
And, Jose, I'm sure a lot of people hate you.
Oh, God, because his name is Jose.
Yeah.
It's Hoser.
He didn't call himself Josie.
Hoser reminds me of Gozer from Ghostbusters.
Yeah.
There is no data, only Zool.
All right, canceling the food.
Yep, getting to it.
Hang on.
Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up.
Right now.
A little slow today.
I'm sorry. I'll be saying
Yeah, I mean an order for general so lunch special. Yeah, is it already no
Thank you. You make it man. That sucks cuz I'm hungry
Yeah, yes, she almost done. It's almost done. I'll call you back
Why would you want to call me back? Oh, cuz once I want to make sure it's ready before I go down there
But what what if it is ready? What if it is? Yeah
Then I might not want it.
I might want to cancel it.
Why would you want to cancel it if you just order food?
Because I don't think I like Chinese food that much.
So why would you order food then from the Chinese restaurant?
I was feeling adventurous.
Maybe I thought I'd try it, but I really...
My mom talked to me and said,
Do you really think you want that, Carlos?
I said, No.
Hello.
Hello.
It's loud there.
He's like, Stop the brisket back there.
Stop making it.
I should have waited.
Damn.
Oh, really?
He definitely sounded a little too classy.
Start screaming.
You did last time.
Hello?
Yeah, what happened?
Fuck you out.
You know what happened.
What did you hang up?
Don't be like that.
I fuck your asshole.
Fuck your mom.
Fuck your boyfriend over there.
Fuck your mom, bitch.
Yeah.
Fuck your mom.
I like your little pink thing on your head, DS.
I like your mom.
Your mom's little pink thing on your mom.
I like your mom's pink thing.
I wonder if it is.
You come in here.
Then we talk to the other guy, stupid, all right?
Okay, you come over to my restaurant.
Why, so I can kick your ass?
Wait, wait.
Shut up.
You want to kiss me?
Okay.
Put the other guy on the phone, asshole.
Asshole, I know what you're doing.
You come over here to my restaurant.
Uh-huh, and what?
You come over to my restaurant.
Will the food be ready?
Okay.
Will the food be ready?
Yeah, come to my restaurant.
How much?
I have a guy here waiting for you.
Oh, really?
You're going to shoot me?
Oh, wow.
He's going to shoot me.
He's going to shoot me.
Too bad we have this.
Hey, you have to go back.
I have a gun ready.
Can we fight?
Hey, you have a gun ready?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah?
For what?
For what?
For you to shoot yourself because you're scared?
I got your number here, okay?
Uh-huh.
So what?
Okay.
Keep calling.
Keep calling, okay?
Can I make an order?
Son of a bitch.
Oh, don't say that.
No.
You are bastard.
You are bastard.
Come to my restaurant.
Okay.
Don't say anything over the phone, okay?
Okay, okay.
Okay?
Okay.
You are the man.
Come to the restaurant.
Okay.
Okay, don't do that dirty thing.
Dirty thing?
Don't do dirty things?
You are a fucker, okay?
Okay, all right.
I'm fine.
Shit.
Okay, let him be.
I thought I wanted to talk to him one more time
I'll give him a little bit
And I'll call him back
Maybe even get another word out
Poor dumb guy
I was pretty much going to end the show
To be honest with you
I'm done
I don't think it's been particularly good
Call him back then
One last time
You guys talk to him
I'm done with him
Okay.
I'll throw them over.
We can be your homies.
I'll make an order overseas.
See if he'll deliver a punch to the face.
He's like, you can just talk to the damn fax machine.
I ain't got time for this shit.
Hey!
I don't think he's gonna do it.
That was anticlimactic.
Yeah, sorry.
Well, we're done.
I hope you guys had fun.
You guys are all out here.
Hey, it was super fun.
God bless you, sir.
Thanks for convincing me to go on when you did
It was fun
Yeah I'm gonna
Fucking crash the fuck out
I'm only gonna sleep a little
I'm gonna eat some frozen pizza
I'm excited about that
I'm gonna piss in my urinal bottle
And then go to sleep
What are you gonna do Zax
What's Zax gonna do
Look sexy and skinny
And he's gonna play
Play some Nintendo
Probably gonna play some GTA 5
I knew it
I heard the online was really
It's not working
My friend said he was trying to play a mission
He had to wait like a super long time
He left to get food he came back
And it already happened like some kind of race
Or something like that
I think they're going to
Pass the servers they've made an announcement
That they're going to try and fix it which I guess
Alright well good
I'm going to drink my Mountain Dew
Thanks for listening
Everybody
Bye
all right guys bye i'm turning things over to you over there or you turn it on
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