Ching Chong Chow Meow

Hey, hey, hey.

Carlito can't stop coughing.

I'm going to do a show if I can't stop coughing.

Shit.

It's Carlito and the Madhouse Show.

Milkman is here.

Milkman.

Milkman is here.

The asshole.

King asshole.

We got some Mr. Nash.

Right here in the crucible with some Master Coach Uchi and BBK.

Superman right here.

Now, you see what happened to the hermano.

so he was checking how good a shit is here man how purple we give baby and that's right man

looking good thank you baby i'm talking how this my brother and my honey's talking hey man i hope

you felt how my brother well i'm still funky as i get your ear goggles out and start dialing and

have some fun bring a friend there yet bring an enemy wait up for a second so basically i um

I'm eating some salty and crackers, and I am getting a cold that hit me, kind of like

an upper respiratory thing.

It's vicious shit, baby.

So, a cracker went down the wrong way, and it kind of kicked up a common fit.

Damn crackers.

I don't know what we're going to do.

I got like a corner of a cracker down my throat.

And it's just sort of kicking up all this fucking congestion that I've had.

I've been getting better this week, and I've had it under control.

But this here, like, hit the...

But seriously, close your mic, and then take some very cold water,

and then gargle, let some go down your throat.

Actually, we'll clear it.

Get your back, please.

If you talk cold water, it'll get your asthma, too.

Yeah, it'll maybe go away after a while.

I don't know.

Let's get some ice water.

Dude, just do that and get you rolling, man.

Fuck.

Yeah, bro.

Do an asthma call with your caller.

Do an asthma call.

Hello?

What's up, Mr. Pratt?

Mr. Pratt?

Hello?

Mr. Pratt?

Mr. Pratt, come on, man.

I need your help.

This is Mr. Whitney.

Eli Pratt.

This has got to go away, right?

Yeah, man.

That's right.

That's right. Just take and gargle some ice water, man.

You know, because this Mr. Whitney and Mr. Pratt, we've got business we're going to start.

We need you to step up your game.

Did you just say gargle ice water?

That's right. Ice water with propeller heads.

You've got a propeller head on your head.

You walk around and spin around. You start flying around.

Hello. Your call cannot be taken at the moment, so please leave your message after the tone.

Get a little bit of furfoam.

Oh, yeah, I got great shit, but I'm going to pack up my fucking killer just in celebration of this moment.

Mr. Nice, buddy.

This is the last indicator I stink as a hard-fucking-dense butt.

Mr. Pratt?

Yeah.

What'd you do to me?

You got this smoke coming out of your house.

What?

It smells so bad coming outside of your house.

I was just walking by your house and I got really sick.

What are you doing?

Do you have dogs out there?

You leave the dogs out, the shit outside of the house, and you don't clean it up?

Clean something up.

Oh, man, I was just walking by your house and it smelled so bad coming from your house.

I started throwing up and vomiting and coughing.

Hello?

What?

I was walking by your house, and it smelled so bad that I started coughing and vomiting.

What are you doing in there?

She had a laugh.

Seriously, man.

She's going to find that rather enjoyable, the old hag.

Where am I suffering like this?

Because there's steak-ass cabbage and taters.

Rotten taters and cabbage.

I'm going to play a prank call and do something about this.

Oh.

There you go.

Yeah, I've got to play a prank and do something about this.

I've got to go get some peppermint oil.

Ice water, bro.

Go get some ice water, and we're going to dick around and wait a couple minutes

while you come back and do the gargle thing where you lean your head back.

I'll be right back.

Give me a second.

No peppermint oil.

Just ice water.

All right.

Look, medical emergency.

All right.

Man down.

Man, let's go ahead.

Hi, I'm a new listener, but I am not against the chat room.

How big is your vagina, ma'am?

It's like about nine inches long, dude.

I hear that after this guy Zolart fucks you, it just shrinks to the size of a pencil hole.

Zolart.

Man, I love you, Zolart.

So stay away from me.

Oh, he's so funny.

Yeah, folks, stick around because we've got some exciting things coming up for you.

We may have some surprises right here in the old pipe.

Pack one up.

I'm in the crowd, man.

Hop in a circle, man.

It's your turn.

Pass it on.

That's right.

Hey, that's right.

It's your turn, man.

Mongolian barbecue?

Is this Mongolian barbecue?

Oh, we're going to have some surprises for you.

That's awesome.

Let's let you guys know, as a member of the physical therapy department here at HealthSouth,

that I think it's beautiful that you folks are, like, you know,

employing members of the community who are disabled

and perhaps not as mentally advanced as the rest of us.

Something that all Mongoloids are good at doing is barbecuing.

Do you have the sauce also there with, you know, is it their own recipe?

Or how exactly does it work?

The sauces, they, you know, we just, gosh, I'm trying to explain it.

They come in their own, like, thick sauces, and then we just add water to them.

Okay, because I heard the rumor was that, like, you had some mongoloid kid back there,

and he, like, he gets a big tub of the sauce, and he mixes water, and he mixes it with, like, his foot?

No.

Well, I mean, it's better that you guys haven't been doing that because, you know,

I went to Walmart the other day, and the only mongoloid people working there were at the front,

you know, giving out the cards and stuff.

Right.

And that's good that you have mongoloids there barbecuing.

I mean, is it dangerous for them to be around the fire pit?

It's not a fire pit. It's a walk.

It's a walk?

Yeah.

But it gets really hot. I mean, how hot does it get?

I have no idea. I couldn't tell you anything about that.

Have you had any problem with mongoloid kids maybe getting their eyebrows burnt off or anything like that?

No.

Nothing like that at all?

No.

Can you put one of the mongoloid kids on the line now?

No, I'm sorry. We're busy.

Well, this is the mongoloid barbecue, right?

Right.

Well, I mean, honestly, because, you know, usually these people like this, you know,

I mean, the Nazis would have gassed them.

And you're hung up already.

All right, well, let me call back again and speak to the Mongoloid Barbecue.

Hey, I just got disconnected there.

Do you know who that young lady was that was talking to me earlier?

No, I don't.

I was just cooking.

Sorry.

Oh, are you one of the Mongoloid kids?

I am one of the cooks here, yeah.

Oh, good.

Hey, look, I think it's very good that instead of you working at Walmart or something like that,

you get a chance to work with the locks.

That's very good.

Yeah, it's pretty fun.

Yeah.

Are there a lot of mongoloid kids that work there?

There's about, right now, five cooks and a few waitresses and a few dishwashers.

And they're all mongoloids?

No, we're not actually any mongolians.

We're all North Idahoans.

Well, no, we're not mongolians, but a mongoloid.

I understand it's a place that employs people with a mental disability.

Mongoloids, as we like to call them here in the South.

That's a beautiful thing.

Yeah.

Do you make the sauces yourself, sir?

Um, we prepared them here, yes.

Really? And you get to dress yourself in the morning and everything?

Say what?

You get to dress yourself in the morning?

Uh, yes.

Can I help you with something, sir?

I envision in your morning you get up from your mongoloid house where all the mongoloids live together,

and they give you your medicine, and then you get in this short bus, and then maybe they take you to the...

Sir, I'm sorry. You're going to have to not call here again.

What are you going to do to stop me?

Well, you know what? I think that's a challenge, Milkman. I think I should maybe show him that I can call again.

Let's go again.

I guess that ain't going to work.

I ain't going to answer.

Well, fucker.

I was going to tell him I play golf with him.

I love that.

Good evening.

Yo.

What's up?

Pimp Slut?

Yo, yo, yo, dawg.

Yo, yo, yo.

What's good?

What's a dealie?

What's crackin', hockey?

What's crack-a-lady?

Nothing, man.

What's a big match?

You know, I walked out of my last job Popeye's, man.

That's a bad career choice, Pimp Slut.

Did the black people make fun of you?

The next time you go to Popeye's, you're going to have to start at the bottom.

Yeah, I know, man.

Oh, it's horrible.

I can't imagine you getting into that kind of job.

I work at Sears now, dawg.

What do you work at?

What's that, dawg?

Sears, man.

Sears?

I get paid to do nothing.

Affirmative action, bitch.

Okay.

You working at the black mall?

What?

Oh, you're working in the black mall?

It's pretty much a Sears on its own, but yeah, there's a lot of black people there.

Okay.

Oh, you went to one of the stand-alone Sears?

Yeah.

Okay.

Are you slinging rocks out of the back?

Yeah, dog.

That's how I do.

That's how I work.

Pam's a lot dedicated.

Pam's a lot dedicated to PCU.

And we laugh at his expense.

And it's worth it.

He doesn't even...

He's like, yeah, man.

Are you still in high school, man?

All right, whatever.

This is Carlito.

Just a quick update.

Still coughing a little bit.

I did what Milkman said.

And I started coughing.

And I started throwing up.

I feel great now that I threw up.

The coughing's just about done.

I think it shook whatever I had.

you can still hear me uh doing it but i think if you give me another about give me another two

minutes i'll see if i can cough the rest is up here you know i'm gonna get me a sody pop and

i'll be right back we'll continue the show sorry thank you thank you for being patient and

understanding that i'm sick thank you and i'm doing this despite the fact that i'm sick for

you people and if you don't appreciate it maybe i won't do it maybe there's a reason i haven't

done a nighttime show um in about a month yeah yo yo yo kicking in 10th grade dog no 12 he he

drives don't you drive like into like another county to go to school on purpose yeah you don't

get beat up right right god this kid this guy anyway so what else is going on man nothing

I got back into PCU.

I was gone for like three months.

I never noticed.

That's weird.

I never said one time, I was like, where's Pimps on?

Everybody was like, where the hell is Pimps on?

What were you doing?

Were you chilling with your homies?

No, I just kind of just like left.

I don't know.

Okay.

I know you don't have anything to do, so I don't accept that.

What were you doing?

I was working at Sears, man.

I was working at Popeyes and Sears.

Did you go to Popeyes so you could try to be more black, get involved with the black race more?

Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.

Yeah.

You're trying to learn.

Popeye's, it's because all my friends were working there, man.

Oh, your friends were at Popeye's?

That's just sad.

Yeah, man.

Oh, my God, we used to hook people up like crazy.

Go, go, go, Popeye's, Posse in the house, dog.

Popeye's, man.

You got Popeye's, Posse.

I like that rice and beans that you got there.

What did you have there?

Is Popeye's where they have the chicken bucket with the mashed potatoes?

No, that's KFC.

They all do KFC.

No, KFC's way better than Popeye's, though.

Yeah, well, KFC's not chicken, though.

KFC's not, no.

Not chicken, that road.

Pimp's a lot of grizzly meat.

Where's the best chicken at?

Publix, right?

Yeah, Publix.

Dog.

Man, see?

Dog.

We've talked about this, and the subs, the best subs, better than Subway, Publix.

You got to go to Publix, man.

Here's what I remember, right?

You look like a...

Cheese steak subs, man.

Oh.

Yeah, they put it on the grill right there, and they put that butter shit on the grill.

Yeah, man, that's good.

That is good, man.

Publix, you guys are missing out up north.

I think Publix is only out here in Florida.

Yeah, it's like a Florida.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

There's Publix in Georgia.

Oh, okay.

Publix in Georgia, and there's like a million of them.

When you're kicking it with your peeps and the Big Peach, huh?

In Atlanta.

Jonesboro.

Yeah.

What?

Jonesboro, Georgia.

Jonesboro.

The ghetto?

Yeah, that's the ghetto.

You don't go in the ghetto.

Joe, Georgia.

You're the pussiest looking white kid I've ever seen.

You're not in the ghetto.

I've never seen him.

Yeah, I saw a picture of him.

You saw his MySpace?

Yeah, he looks like Anthony Edwards from Revenge of the Nerds.

Hey, what's with that video on your MySpace with a bunch of kids eating Jell-O?

Oh, that's at lunch, dawg.

Oh, so that was your lunch break?

It's a bunch of dudes eating Jell-O in the lunchroom, making weird faces.

Your video is a bunch of dudes in the lunchroom eating green Jell-O, and at one point, these...

They're just eating Jell-O.

Well, at one point, this one starts rubbing the other one's face.

Oh.

I mean...

That's crazy, dawg.

I don't know how, like, probably back in high school, you probably had, like, a 30-minute lunch, right?

right uh no we don't remember 30 minutes maybe somewhere around there yeah something like that

we get an hour lunch hello hello asshole fuck them the hell they don't let you leave though

dude like we eat lunch for 15 minutes and there's like nothing to do after that

you guys go in the bathroom and do a circle jerk huh yeah that's pretty much pretty much

all there is to do wow wow nice you run the trainer into football too he knows how many uh you go to

all white high school right yeah pretty much yeah i figured because you know that's why if you go to

a mixed high school you don't talk like that they beat you up right i was born in the burbs dog

you got that burbs cred huh burbs cred dude you want to do a prank call man before we uh

Before you had to eat your bedtime?

It's the summer, man.

And besides, I ain't got no bedtime.

What you talking about?

Fool.

You're supposed to say fool.

And school's out for summer, man.

Oh, yeah.

I don't realize it anymore.

Who made that song, Schools?

Was that Alice Cooper?

Alice Cooper.

We got to get that song.

Let me try to call Milkman back.

This is Carlito.

Still coughing like a motherfucking milkman.

Oh, hell yeah, man.

That's some good shit, ain't it?

I told you, man.

Man, I told you there was some awesome shit, man.

That blueberry kush, man.

Fuck you.

Shut up about it.

It's your fault.

I know, man.

I didn't know you was going to get all fucking choked up, man.

Like, do the ice water, man.

That's what every time you take a big one.

That's what I did.

I did the stupid ice water.

I went to the fridge and did the ice water.

I did what you said, and I started throwing up.

I started coughing, and I inhaled, like, water and air at the same time.

I didn't say inhale it.

I said, like, gargle it.

Like that.

Yeah, lay back in your throat, but you got to breathe, not inhale.

I got a tickle in my throat when I did that, and it went straight down in my belly.

And my lungs and shit, man, and I started throwing up.

And I felt better after I threw up, but I'm still coughing.

Yeah, damn.

You didn't gargle?

Did you try to gargle it?

I started gargling.

I gargled a little bit.

Oh, then you started choking, huh?

Then I went down my windpipe.

Jerk, you see what you did to me?

Man, you got to get a snorkel.

I don't know, man.

You need a fucking snorkel, dude.

Bullshit, Milkman.

I'm feeling a little better, though.

I'm throwing up.

Cleared out the fucking shit.

All right, well, if it keeps up, man, just stick your finger in your ass, dude,

and that'll take your tension off your throat.

All right, well, hey, everybody send in numbers, you know?

Please, please send in numbers.

Help me out.

Help Carlito out.

Save the show.

Save it.

See you, Manito.

Where is our man at?

The main man.

Man, the number's hitting my A, and he ain't showed up yet.

In the meantime, I'm going to look up a town here on the West Coast.

Milkman.

Digging into the Rolodex.

That's right.

We call Washington State.

Should we call California?

Washington or California A.

Well, what part of California A?

I don't know.

We call Alaska.

We never really call Alaska on this.

Alaska's got an untapped market because they're in another time zone,

but they are in a fresh time zone, actually.

they're kind of assholes they're not assholes but they're stupid a lot of them dude are like

old vietnam hippie and a lot of fucking you know radical 60s characters that like you know

grown up and lived up here for decades so well what i'm trying to say is that they're like

they're no nonsense they're not really funny they're not fun or funny they're like rednecks

but less funny exactly i don't get anger or nothing dude it's like whatever yeah they're

not very fun whatever there's probably some untapped resources some good ones up there but

in general they don't really give us any memorable big baby baz is sending in a filipina

kitchen philippine kitchen that we can call here in between my coughing fit good excellent please

guys if you're helping i don't like to send a real old like you know you laugh at it beat the

the hell out of number i'm sure you guys do that but some of you other cats that don't know man

people send numbers don't send oh beat the hell out one katie k you know noon new and every

fucking body else has done had it in their ass and shit it out you know we want something that's

going to be actually funny they're going to answer okay all right sounds good thank you for reminding

people that milkman i appreciate it hey it's no problem my brother because see look at the

composure you've regained immediately see folks all things for a reason even though you may not

realize at that moment yeah uh i'm sorry i'm pulling up the map here and on the west coast

big old dart right he's got this dart and it's a big starboard and he takes me like

throws the dart and whichever number or area of the

all right you're breaking up you're breaking up fix that over there

shut up and the dart is off the dart is off okay it's landed forehead out can i help you

Hey, how are you, honey, baby?

Good.

Who's this?

This is Eddie.

I want to make an order.

Okay.

An order?

Okay.

I'd like, let's see, one Kulo, one Nalgaz.

Hello?

Yeah.

You want to make an order to go?

Yep.

Okay, which way?

One Nalgaz.

Hello?

Yeah, one Nalgaz.

Can you turn the radio down?

Is that possible?

No.

I don't know why you people always got the music so loud there.

You hear that Mexican shit?

You think I'll ever stop coughing up, man?

Maybe I'm going to die.

I already started jumping on cockroaches.

La cucaracha.

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.

La cucaracha.

Domo pedo, camido.

You know that song, hermano.

I've been like that, man?

Hey, are you the guy with the mustache?

Sorry?

I get that bite of, like, the mustache.

I just ate your food, and I'm very sick.

I think I have food poisoning.

any uh give me yours a second i don't know sure i had one now guys now gas

yeah i just had your food and i'm very sick i think i had your now gas now gas okay well we

have your name your phone number on call right here now so did you just say the n word did you

say the n word what did you say it's i'm calling here because we have your phone number on record

uh-huh thank you that's your if you have caller id i don't understand it's on record

I don't know what the records are anymore

A&M or Arista

Yeah

Hold on, hold on, hold on sir

Before you go on

let me tell you that i have not put you on nothing this is a mexican restaurant and you

are not allowed to be calling here goodbye she's you said no man she said record right milkman am

i mistaken that they had me on the record and i said for them to remove me off of the record

oh no i'm not allowed to call here mama she's not coming no loud huh excuse me you know excuse me

Mira, excuse me, okay?

Sir, excuse me.

We're going to call the police and we're going to get your phone number.

So if you don't stop calling, we will call the police.

No, what I'm saying, stupid.

You are going to get consequences after this.

Goodbye.

What I'm saying, there's consequences after this.

What I'm saying, I got diarrhea after eating your food.

It tastes like, you know, cuckoo.

What's the name of that?

Can I help you?

Goonie Google.

Hello?

Goonie Google.

Eddie Murphy for you, Milkman.

Remember that?

Goonie Google.

You don't allow

to call these numbers.

What the hell?

You don't remember

Goonie Google, Milkman?

What was that?

I don't even know

if that's online.

Let's see if I can find it.

Shit.

That's Eddie Murphy's

drunk dad say,

your wife ain't no

fucking Puerto Rican.

Oh, man.

I miss it, man.

You know what she said

to me?

Goonie Google.

Let me see.

Eddie,

this will give me a chance

to settle my coughing a little bit more here.

My wife is knocking on the door.

I don't know why. I think maybe I'm being

too loud.

Hey, stop rambling

over there. Alright, we're looking up

Danny Murphy. No, no, no, no, man.

You gotta do it for me, man, because

I asked my friends to sing for me.

The Puerto Rican friends, they did the

Cucaracha song. Puerto Ricans don't sing that.

That's a Mexican thing. You're really...

Yeah, but they sing it in

Puerto Rico, too.

you're really ignorant no they don't we don't sing that then my pops will start talking be quiet

playing something be quiet okay black men like to claim the house when they're drunk

men period i think man like to just claim their house they want you to know if you're drunk and

if they're drunk and you're in their house that is their house my father's step that's this is

the bit but it's nine minutes long where do you find goonie google in here fuck i think goonie

to google was towards the end let me excuse me let me see if i can find the motherfucker

and your wife rips down the steps i'll work hard to get my place beautiful and then the

motherfucker come over and rip the steps down look at the motherfucking steps they're fucked

up that's in his father but you know what it is guys i figured out about your wife and i'm gonna

say it and my wife i'm gonna give a fuck what my wife said she could shut the fuck up i'm gonna

tell you something i figured out about your wife i know where you met your wife you told me you

You met your wife 15 years ago on a motherfucking camping trip.

And that your wife was Puerto Rican?

Your wife ain't no motherfucking Puerto Rican.

I thought she was my first metagross.

Because I walk up, I say, hello, it's good to meet you.

My name is Vernon.

And she says, hello, I'm Bunny.

Goonie Google.

What the fuck does Goonie Google mean, bud?

I don't know what the fuck that shit is to this day.

I thought I'd learn some new Spanish shit.

I should play that when I prank call people.

Say, yeah, my dad's pissed off.

Here, listen to him.

And he goes, Goonie Google.

What the fuck is that shit?

Goonie Google.

Milkman, where are you?

Come on, start talking again.

Talk, Milkman.

Oh, hell, man.

I was listening to Eddie Murphy there, man.

I was like, you're going to be goo-goo.

Gooney goo-goo.

So all that set up just for that, which wasn't that funny in the end.

Milkman, I blame you for that.

Goo-goo!

Because you were like 20 years old when I came out.

Here are piles of...

This is my fault.

I know it.

You know what?

Milkman, there's piles of baseball

cards for sale.

The top is to fit full-size truck.

Piles of bar cards that would fit in a full-size truck.

What?

Oh, they're also selling it.

Whatever.

Hang on.

Let's talk about the ball cards.

The greatest investment in the United States in the 90s was ball cards and Beanie Babies.

Remember that?

Them days, Milkman?

People was going to retire.

I remember that.

Billionaires.

Cabbage kids.

They had the cabbage head kids.

Remember that shit?

Yeah.

Yeah, cabbage head, patch, cabbage...

They had, like, if you don't remember, man,

probably some of them people still remember

when I was in England, it was very little.

They had this, like, round head,

about the size of a little small cabbage.

All right.

The body about half the size.

All right.

Look, man, you working or are you home?

Quiet.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic...

I'll try it again.

I'm out.

No answer there.

No call.

No ball cards, everybody.

Sorry if you're looking forward

the ball card prank call

that just fell through the water machine

it's gone

fell through

get out your microwave

we got a suggestion

listen milkman

we got a suggestion to call back

the Mexican place and

order a side of consequences

I believe that came in from Baz

I think that's a funny thing to say

that we're going to order some consequences

remember though

don't allow calls

Oh, remember.

But that would mean I would have to try to remember what number it was.

I don't even know how I find that shit.

I don't know.

Whatever.

I think I hit plus, and it comes up with a list, right?

Add people, send visits.

I don't know.

Never mind.

It'd have to be a different Mexican place, I guess,

because I already lost and forgot the one that I called.

What an asshole I am.

I know.

Here's a bed and breakfast over in Alaska.

Let's give them a call.

You wouldn't think there'd be Mexicans living in Alaska, but they are, man.

Milkman, they are.

Isn't that exciting?

Yeah, I'm sure you agree.

I want to move for some grilled portobello mushrooms.

That'd be nice.

On a pita bread.

Found the number.

Left the European bed at breakfast?

Yeah, hey, so if I stay there, let's say for one night,

and you just basically offer a room to stay with with my old lady

and then breakfast in the morning, full breakfast?

Yeah, but right now we are closed until December.

Are there any Jews there?

I beg your pardon?

Are there any Jews there?

Jews?

Yes, Jewish.

Jewish? No.

No, that's a good thing, right?

No, right now we are closed.

But maybe if I would...

Shut up for a second, you bitch.

If I wanted to make a reservation,

can I do that already for the holidays?

days uh for for when for what about days uh i'm thinking what's the second weekend of december

after you open uh that is actually uh to watch the new year there you go there you go yeah and

then i want to bring my um i have a dog great dane i want to kiss him and no kiss but he's a

big dog he's more like a person i like to kiss him and i touch him you know i smell i smell him

No, we don't accept dogs.

I'm so sorry.

But you have, listen, shut up, shut up.

Do you have, do you serve peanut butter there?

Who are you?

Is that a joke or something?

My name is Jose.

Jose, sorry, Jose, but we are closed right now.

Shut up for a second, okay?

Uh-huh.

December, what you open?

God damn it.

december this uh we are open december the 31st again do you have a lot of figurines

there no no no what kind of art no there is no art sorry do you have sorry uh listen i have a

long distance phone call from thailand you did you know hey the king of thailand is an asshole

oh she said tibetan new year milkman you're a tibetan you used to fuck a tibetan remember oh

Oh, shit.

That's some good shit, dude.

Yeah, what's the type at New Year?

What do they do?

Do they drink coconut milk?

No, but it don't even taste that much like curry.

Oh, wow.

That's good.

All right.

Yeah, because that curry sticks around the pores.

Yeah.

Fuck yous up.

Excuse me.

Lonesome loser appears to have arrived and will be sending in numbers shortly.

He assured me he sent me a special message on the Gort confirming that that's going to be happening.

So we're very excited about that.

In Las Vegas, we have a missing dog.

No questions asked about the missing dog.

It is a small dog, black with tan markings, a female machine,

Min Pin, which is a miniature pincher milkman.

I don't know if you knew that.

And Chihuahua mix.

All right.

Longer legs than the average Chihuahua.

Yay.

All right.

So let's give her a call.

And I think I got an idea for this milkman.

What the hell happened?

Can you hear me?

Yeah.

Am I hearing you now?

It was something weird.

it was like saying problem with the call and then like this and then all of a sudden there you are

no sir it's working just fine now okay here's something happened on my end i must be having

shitty connections i'm warning you now because you live in um pay here uh by the week motel

and they have bad internet right no you don't you got a nice house you got a big house that you

share with five um indians hello yes you put a oh yes hi um i'm here in las vegas and i think i

found your dog it looks it looks like a chihuahua but has kind of different markings the legs and

the face structure is a little different and it's got a i i saw it has a collar with a big red heart

tag on it um so if you can uh give me a call maybe we can convene and get this taken care of

on the phone machine i'd appreciate it thank you i don't know she's gonna answer or call back milk

man you think if dog was lost you would answer the phone really fast right milkman i would

because i would love my dog and take care of it trying to call back now yes i found this dog uh

looks like a chihuahua but not really like the bone structure is kind of different i've never

seen something this ugly before i was wondering if maybe you think your dog if you could tell

Tell me some things I can look on it.

Okay.

She's mostly black.

Uh-huh.

And she has tan markings.

Uh-huh.

Like a tan little, you know, circle of body style.

And then she has, like, the strip to her nose is all black, like in a straight line.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Okay.

Does that sound like her?

Your dog is all right.

Yeah.

I just want you to know your dog's going to be fine.

What's that?

your dog's in a better place it's great what are you talking about your dog is in a it's in a good

place right now god you know everything and god is with your dog and your dog is in a good place

don't worry about let go of the dog you know oh i find in situations like this just so just

oh man i just probably really made her cry oh we seem to have lost her well daggone it anyway

Your dog is in a better place.

Let go.

It's part of the recuperation there, recovery.

You know, you've got to.

Milkman, there's nothing wrong with that.

Like, if there's not a problem with putting an ad asking for help that your dog is lost with info,

what's wrong with calling and just telling, well, you know, I don't know anything about dogs.

Wishes, good wishes.

I mean, you know, sharing the thought, acknowledging you read the ad.

I don't know anything about where the dog is, but it's probably in a good place right now with God and Jesus.

I mean, it's thoughtful, dude.

It's just thoughtful.

Yeah.

It's like, gee, thanks.

Get my hopes up.

Wow.

I'm all choked up now.

Thank you.

God, that was such a gesture.

All right.

And here's Indian Cuisine, which is sent to you by Pat.

Poor girl.

No, seriously, man.

I feel bad.

I hope you find your dog, man, and go look for the curb.

she got so excited i'm not gonna do that by the curb dude i saw i'm not gonna do that again

we can all chip in for a mint pinch of wawa mix and send it a different one

hey boy how you doing i'd like to make an order all right what would you like

uh one order of chicken tikka masala oh this and this is a vegetarian version okay one vegetable

vegetable biryani okay one do you have you have papadums then uh no we don't we don't make them

garlic naan okay okay and uh that's it i guess if you don't have anything else really it's kind

of stupid but yeah okay so one uh vegetable biryani and one garlic naan uh-huh yep because

Are you calling the pabla in Renton, or are you trying to call the one in Seatuck?

Renton.

Okay, yeah.

So one vegetable biryani and one gartan, right?

Uh-huh.

Okay, two go?

Yeah.

Okay, how spicy did you want the biryani?

Like number five.

Okay.

Number five.

Number five, yeah.

You didn't ask me what's lowest, one or five.

Oh, we have like a hot, medium, or mild.

So you have one, two, and three?

We just go by a hot minimum, yeah, one, two, three.

But which is hot, one or is hot, three?

Three, three.

Three is hot, okay.

Yeah.

So three plus maybe you can do, maybe?

Okay.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

All right, and I'll come pick it up, you know.

You don't have to send it over here.

I'll come pick it up.

All right, honey, baby, how long will it be?

It'll be ready in 10 minutes.

Great.

I'll call you back in about that time, all right?

Okay.

What's your name?

This is Eddie.

Eddie, okay, got it.

All right, bye, buddy.

All right, bye.

I told him I'd call him back.

I didn't say I was going to pick it up, Milkman.

So I gave him ample warning.

I noticed that, man.

There's slight omission of full details.

Very craftily placed in the conversation.

Is my bandwidth totally sucking or what, dude?

I just keep hearing no, nothing, and then all of a sudden you go,

so I think I'm cutting out really bad.

Maybe I should restart this Skype call or what do you think?

Maybe restart because I seem to not be having a problem hearing you or talking to the people.

Here, yeah, here, I'm like, it's like it's coming delayed.

So you're downloading.

I think I'm actually interrupting the connection.

I think I'm interrupting what you're saying.

So let me restart it, and I'll call you right back, or call me back in about a minute.

I will call you back in one minute.

It's on the big board.

All right.

Milkman is going to recalibrate his cellular connection machine.

While we wait for that, um, let me do, Hey guys, you hear the coffee is gone.

I didn't even, I've, you know, it's like a headache.

Does anyone ever know?

There's gotta be a point where your headache stops, right?

You know what I'm saying?

Let's get real deep about this.

Let's say you got a headache and you're like, Oh man, motherfucking headache.

Go away.

And, but you don't remember the moment your headache goes away.

It just goes away.

Right.

Isn't that something?

Isn't that trippy?

Yeah.

Anyway.

All right.

your your old pal carlito's losing it here so i'm sorry i'm stupid fucking dork i've been having a

lot of fun with fun with the daytime shows guys i don't know if you've checked them out or not

um me and matt have been hosting that now i can't have matt on uh at nighttime because milkman you

know how he is he'll get upset i'm just saying i'm not talking bad about him i'm just saying he gets

he get all you know butthurt about it and stuff who's milkman is the primary source machine of

other show he's the he's number two no matter what but you guys are really harsh on matt and

on milkman i'm not trying to pick favorites look right now the way it's working out i think matt

is matt milkman is too busy in the morning that's when he sleeps because he works late hours um

and he's on the west coast now matt however is usually up at that time already he's having his

breakfast and stuff and he's for a morning show where it's kind of more fast upbeat kind of like

a morning radio thing. Matt's really good. He's a good foil to me. He laughs at all my jokes.

He generally thinks they're funny. He thinks I do pretty good. He's a good backup guy. So I like

him for the morning shows. But for nighttime, it's always been Milkman. I can't, you know,

what I'm trying to say, I'm talking like Kanye West here, or I go around and around. What I'm

trying to say is that we don't need to be saying fire Milkman for Matt or fire Matt for Milkman.

man. It's not a situation like that. Don't put either of them in that situation, all right? I'm

not going to do either. And don't put me in a situation where you're being rude, especially

to Milkman. He's been with me, dude, since 2005. I know there's haters out there and a lot of you

are just joking around. Don't be rude to him, man, because he's got audio problems. He's always been

my number two guy. Anyway, listen, I'm going to reconnect Milkman. I might take another minute

here so let me play this a little bit of the zolar prank call but listening to zolar pranks lately

this is one of my favorite that one where he called the cop a piggy piggy it's funny man it's

good uh be right back madhouse radio will be back right after this small for doing that oh i'm

getting a call hold on this would be funny hold on hopefully it'll be funny hello yeah hi who's

calling hi how are you sir you're speaking with mrs zola miss zola i don't know what that is

Aw, hell yeah.

Any better now?

Nah, I don't think that she's been getting harassing phone calls.

You can't consider one phone call harassing phone calls.

No, I hadn't spoken one word of obscenities,

but I am familiar with what it is she had said to me,

which was very vulgar, lewd, and crazy expletives and pejorative terms towards black people.

I was just asking her about her ad, and she said that she didn't like my voice,

I sounded like a whore, and I probably fucked n***a.

I said, I think you should send somebody in there to check on your child

instead of using pejorative terms towards black people,

because I am not a racist, sir, and she was using the word n***a over and over.

I'm from Uranus.

It's a place in Philadelphia.

That's correct.

Yeah, just tell her not to be a n***a or hater,

because we don't like prejudiced people, and n***a are people too.

That's right.

I mean, I have friends, and I've also made love to a n***a.

Yeah, and you tell her to stop being such a harassing person, because it's just not right.

She shouldn't use words like that.

I'm actually about to cry with the kind of...

Can I press charges on her for calling me?

I have a recording of what she said, and it's in the records that she had called me.

I think that she's harassing me, and I'm afraid for my life at this point.

Well, then, sir, then go suck a fucking cock, then.

I said, then, I wish you would just let me drop it, then.

You have a nice day, piggy.

Piggy.

Bye-bye.

Well, Milkman, that's one of your favorite pranks from Zolar.

That's Police Pig Machine.

Police Pig Machine by Zolar over at Zolar.

Deputy D, he's talking about Zolar.

Zolar, motherfucking Zolar.

Have you heard from Zolar, man?

How's he doing?

He's still doing his show, man.

He's got a new website.

It's called ZolarPrankCalls.pcu.

Check it out.

It's really good.

Dang.

Dot PCU?

dot pcu yeah he got the tld he took like ten thousand dollars it cost him somebody put peace

to you on on zolar i'll be dead pcu is now great zolar is now pcu zolar cool because most of our

references are to zolar anyway you know at pcu zolar prank call university yep there you go

that's what it is okay um hold on hey on the thing while we're on the subject what the hell

Talk to him about a month ago.

He said he'd like to call in one day, but he's busy.

He's just busy.

He does a lot of stuff now.

He's got a lot of work.

His business has expanded.

Is he still doing the business show, too?

I think he stopped at your money show.

It wasn't really him as much.

It was Dale on sales, you know, his buddy Dale on sales.

oh okay that was a connection all right i wasn't following the whole connection i'm not up on i

just knew he had that for a while he got back because we weren't allowed to call him joker

yeah because i went in there to his chat room i said this is the

jew money show instead of your money show

that was what i got going he got all wound up

he was like dude come on man like i'm trying to do something serious i love you guys but

But for God's sake, let me do something legitimate for a while.

So I was like, all right, man, I'm sorry.

Some guy just goes, this is too money, Joe.

This is stupid.

That was me.

Von Rubenstein there, you know, Mr. Peter Von Rubenstein.

No, because he has some legit guests from the Federal Reserve or something.

So it looked really bad.

I heard they're going to nominate him.

It's a woman.

This is going to be a woman Fed chairman.

What the fuck's up with this woman, Scott?

They're letting gays get married.

Thank you for calling Rancho Tudor and College of E-Apartments,

both wonderful Widener communities.

If you're calling during business hours, we're either on the other line.

That's not a restaurant.

Rancho Tudor is not a restaurant.

I guess it's a...

Hey, dude, that was a laugh from my ass up.

I got to tell you, man, I was watching this movie.

I don't know if you've ever seen it.

Have you ever seen this movie called Half-Baked?

Oh, God, yeah, I've seen Half-Baked.

Yeah, why?

What's up?

it's funny because i found it and i downloaded it i haven't seen it since it actually showed

on the movie screen that's the last time i saw it at the movies so i downloaded this

there's a bunch of crazy stuff tommy chong's in there dude you know yeah he's yeah he's in

jail right he's uh yeah yeah he's the uh squirrel master squirrel master squirrel master

squirrel master is that that little little squirrel yeah that's such a weird movie that's

funny it's fucking hilarious mr nice guy right so he was like actually mr nice guy was actually

mr nice the original like big time you know uh uh hype that marijuana he always buying all the

dope and shit back in the day man and and they named it after him man so now they got a strain

And they named it after him, too.

Yeah, that's true, man.

Damn it.

Yeah, okay, look.

Looking for what's open now.

What time is it in Alaska now?

Maybe like 6, 7 p.m., maybe?

Something like that?

Oh, shit.

I mean, look here, dude.

I can tell you this.

It's like about 6 p.m.

About 6 p.m., yeah, all right.

Here's a Sears.

This should be open.

This is like the smallest mall.

It says it's a mall, but it's, God, it's the size of a city block.

lock it's basically thank you for calling sears and anchorage please tell me which department

you'd like or say department list store hours or store location panties that would be that panties

sorry i couldn't tell if that was a yes or a no that would be vacuum cleaners is that right no

sorry about that let's get the right department please tell me which department you'd like

or say department list store hours or store location lingerie that would be intimate is

that right yes sorry i was drinking when you asked i still didn't quite catch it yes let me repeat it

yes thanks one moment while i transfer your call have any small talk with those things just

so mechanical right the minute you try to tell one of those computer phone machines how you doing

and it's like,

I understand you.

Yeah.

How rude, right?

If Bill Gates were to do it,

it would be Siri.

You could have a whole conversation with it.

Like Siri.

Awesome.

They hung up.

No answer.

Hey, that would be cool.

A Siri-powered voice prompt menu, I think.

Why doesn't someone do that?

They should license that out.

Actually, they're one hour behind me.

I thought they were 2-0-1.

I didn't get it confirmed.

Okay, well, here's the Chevron station.

They should be open, right, buddy?

Chevron, gas station.

They'll be open.

Hey

Did that person ever call in

That we talked about earlier

No what's his face

Oh fuck

DJ Glowworm

Old school friend of ours

He was around this afternoon he was interested in being on

He was going to join on Skype

I'm still waiting for Glow Glow

Oh shit we ought to call him dude

I don't have his phone number

I do

Oh you have him

I think he's in mobile

Hi, whichever.

This is Carolyn.

How can I help you?

Yeah, when I go there, when am I supposed to pump the gas with my ass?

Huh?

I'm sorry?

Am I supposed to pump the gas with my ass?

What am I supposed to do?

I stood there waiting for someone to come and help me.

Um, when was this, sir?

About two hours ago.

What am I supposed to do?

Come do my asshole?

Huh?

Sir, if you'd like to talk to my manager, you're more than welcome to call back, but

I am not going to take that kind of language over the phone.

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

Sorry, you don't hang up.

Oh, sorry.

What the hell?

I love talkable food in my mouth.

These crackers are so funny.

Dude, that was totally uncalled for, man.

It's so funny when I talk with these crackers in my mouth.

I do that during these daytime shows I do sometimes, and it's fucking hilarious.

Milkman, I wish you'd wake up for a daytime show.

Dude, you never let me know.

I'm usually available lately.

I do them early.

I know.

You got to let me know in advance, like a few minutes.

Hello?

We are not available now.

Now they don't want to answer, Milkman.

Now they don't want to answer.

Now we got to call and cancel the Indian order.

Hang on.

It's nice and ready already.

It's probably getting cold, Milkman.

It's been like a good 15 minutes.

Holy shit, Milkman.

Come on.

You're supposed to put it on the big board and remind me.

Here we go.

Indian place that we ordered chicken biryani.

No.

Vegetable biryani and garlic naan.

Yeah, my bandwidth's horrible.

You're just like splattering.

Oh, that's a piss-poor connection.

I'll try it again.

Milkman, yeah, you kind of dropped out in the middle of that one call recently,

but you sound okay.

I think you just dropped again.

Pull up on the news?

Yes.

I had called to make an order.

Oh, yeah?

Vegetable biryani and what else?

And one gondogon?

Yeah.

Is that ready?

Yeah.

Is it all wrapped up and packed up and everything?

Uh-huh.

Okay, I'm going to cancel.

Actually, yeah, it's getting wrapped up right now, actually.

I want to cancel.

You want to cancel?

I don't want that food.

It's disgusting.

Okay.

Disgusting people, banshoed food.

I don't want that, you know?

Okay.

I don't want to eat it.

Okay.

Well, you're not upset that I'm not going to eat it.

Okay.

No problem.

What do you mean, okay, no problem?

It's just we have a problem.

Listen, what is this?

Come on, be upset.

Fuck, man.

That was a big setup and work and all that shit.

Let me call back and get someone else.

That pisses me off.

How does he not care?

Okay.

This is supposedly it was an angry Indian place.

Very angry.

Well.

All right.

I'm going to try and send this thing to you.

Tell me, how the fuck do you send it to him?

I don't know.

Are you on a cell phone or a computer?

No, I'm going to send it to you through Skype then.

Hot potato.

Yeah, did I just talk to you about canceling order?

No, it was another person.

Oh, yeah.

I just wanted to let you know that order that I got, I don't want it, you know?

I'm not going to eat it.

So you want to cancel the order?

Yeah, because did you already have it ready?

Yes.

All right, yeah, I don't.

I can't, because I don't like Indian people, you know?

Okay, no problem.

There's really not a problem?

You're not mad?

Why are you not mad?

No.

Why not?

Why not mad?

I like it.

I will eat it.

You will eat it?

Oh, can I make an order?

Another order?

Yeah.

Oh, you're going to make it?

Tell me the truth.

Yeah.

One bhenchod?

I don't understand.

One materchood?

You understand, you stupid asshole.

You know what I'm saying?

Go away.

You know what?

Just sit there and listen if you want.

I don't care.

If you want to sit there and just listen to me, whatever.

Go ahead.

God, I got other people to call.

Real people, angry people, you know?

So what's it going to be?

Shit, I don't even know who I'm calling, Milkman.

The number you sent.

That number I sent to you?

What does that blow?

That was one of the numbers I had.

I got one more to try.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic.

No answer there.

Hey, Indian Restaurant.

All right, try this one, man.

That is the other one I think is recent.

He's last two.

I haven't called him for a while.

Hello, Indian Restaurant.

Here, check that link, Sidney.

Hello, Indian Restaurant.

restaurant they got us connected but they're not saying anything let me hang up on them

okay um yeah do you give me you got the second number there okay i'll call it here just a minute

hang on let me get reorganize myself uh that's a hospital that i don't want to call let's see

the lonesome send me yes lonesome has sent me numbers uh he's doing the work for me that is

great here we go starting out with priya indian cuisine priya maybe it's priya i don't know

Now, I really don't like this vegetarian Indian food thing, you know.

That's, I should have known from the beginning.

When it's vegetarian, they're usually like really chill, laid back, you know.

Nothing gets me mad.

I don't eat animals.

That.

Is this a stupid vegetarian place or real Indian food?

Only vegetarian?

Okay, I'll have to make a, shut up.

I want to make an order.

I want chicken biryani.

Okay.

Mmm.

Do you have tandoori?

Yes.

Do you have vegetable tandoori?

We don't have vegetable.

We have chicken, lamb, and shrimp.

Oh, chicken then?

Okay.

Mmm.

One papadums?

Mmm.

Okay.

One bhenchod?

Sorry?

One bhenchod?

No, we don't have that.

Okay.

One materchod?

We don't have chod.

No chod for anyone?

No.

Do you have chod?

Chod.

Can I come in front of you?

Yeah, you can.

I come in front of you when I see you.

Okay.

See you then.

Do you have nice dark skin or do you like skin?

We have no...

They have no chad milk, man.

No chad.

No fuck.

They don't have any fuck.

They make babies.

They're like Quakers over there.

They don't make fuck.

Big Baz reminding us to save UK numbers for him.

You got it, man.

No problem.

Here is the Kathmandu kitchen.

I don't know.

Is that Indian or African?

I thought Kathmandu was in Africa.

I guess this is an Indian machine.

It's me, Paul

Oh, that's stupid

Did you call?

Did you call that number?

Uh, oh, the other one?

Hang on, hang on

I don't want to bother you

I think it's calling Calendar Kitchen in Davis

How can I help you?

I don't want to bother you or nothing

I'm sorry?

I don't want to bother you

I want to make an order

I can't understand you

Because your shit is too loud over there

It's too loud

Yeah, it's pretty loud

Step outside

The fuck is loud place?

fuck his busy successful business and his music um all right let me call that i just don't want

to bother him you don't think we're bothering him right uh milkman by calling him no okay good

here's the second number for dj glowworm it's all right dude i will give him a call dude if not

no problem well i'm gonna blame it on you if he's like oh busy taking a shot i'll tell him it's your

fault dude i would love to have forced me i would love to have a cola everybody heard a cola flavored

flavored jello wow hey is that dj glowworm is this a bad time to talk to you hello everybody

this is cleveland brown hey what's going on glow how you been man what's up man is it bad time

milkman was insisting that i call your cell phones because you didn't show up on skype

my last nipple made me dead i'm telling you bro but that what happened yeah he's i don't know

he's a cold glow or cold glow or come on maybe he's with a lady friend i don't know no i had

just left her she's at home i'm at my house good good good good work man here's i'm calling

chinese restaurants feel free to jump in if you want all right i don't know if you got time

well here we go chinese restaurant what there's a exclamation point in this number new new i mean

uh lonesome come on man get with it man get with the program lonesome loser here we go i'm giving

him shit you good man you're good everything's all right your last phone might die well there

There you go.

That's all right.

If you got to go, you can go.

Hey, buddy.

How are you?

Pretty good.

How about you?

Oh, I'm good.

I'm good.

I wanted to make an order.

For pickup?

For toilet.

For delivery?

In the bathroom, yeah.

Do you have a bathroom there?

Yeah, we do.

Does it have a table in there?

Can I put a table in there?

I don't like people to look at me dirty, like peasants and Chinese people.

I don't like them to look at me when I'm eating my food.

Wait, what are you talking about, sir?

My house is being sprayed for potato bugs, so I have to have dinner.

At a restaurant tonight.

And?

And I don't like it when people watch me when I'm eating, especially like Asian, Chinese people.

They kind of scare me, you know, the way their bone structure and cheeks and stuff like that is.

It kind of scares me, you know, but I love your food.

So is there a place where I can be enclosed where no one, I can eat in private and no one has to watch me?

I don't think I have a room like that.

You have a bathroom.

Yeah, but how can we stop you in the bathroom?

I'll do a to-go order, and then I can go wherever I want to eat it.

I'll go to your bathroom.

Yeah, I think so.

I come pick it up, and then I'm going to...

Does your bathroom have a lock from the inside?

But that's a customer need to use it.

No, no.

I am a customer.

I'm going to use it.

Yeah, but if you're sitting inside and eating it,

and then how can I add a customer use it?

They can go to another bathroom.

We only have one.

Well, if they knock on...

One is for male, and one is for female.

Well, if they knock on the door, then I'll open, and if they look like they're okay,

and they're just doing number one, then they can come in.

But no number twos.

How can I control it, sir?

I can.

I'll just say, please, no number twos.

I'm eating in here, please.

Only number one only.

That's it.

Okay, let me ask my manager first.

Okay.

Okay, thanks.

Big debate over there now.

Oh, shit.

Hello?

Yeah.

Hey.

Yes.

Hey, how are you?

Yes.

May I help you?

Yeah, I wanted to make an order.

Yeah.

I was talking to the other guy already.

You want a two-coat or what?

I want a what?

What do you mean?

What do you mean I got to poop?

What?

No, no number two.

It's number ones only.

You want a two-coat, right?

Yeah, but I want to eat it in the bathroom.

Oh, sorry.

Come on.

We don't share that.

That's just a restaurant inside.

Yeah, but that's for eating, too.

Oh, no.

We don't share it.

Sorry.

Ching chow chow meow.

No, no, no.

We don't serve it.

Sorry.

Do you have ching chong chow meow?

Okay, good.

There you go.

Glowworm dropped off, I can only presume.

That his cell phone battery died.

Oh, shit.

His battery must have died.

Damn it.

I told you he wasn't ready, Milkman.

Mighty Kong.

It's all right.

Number two is...

No, number two is Milkman.

Just number one is in the bathroom there, the Chinese place.

The first guy was funny.

The second guy was like...

But the first guy was pretty funny.

Just so he was...

The wheels were spinning in his head.

The gears were turning.

Like, well...

I'm really interested about what we discussed earlier, dude.

I don't know, man.

Man, this is ridiculous.

No bandwidth shit, dude.

This is just fucking ridiculous.

It's ridiculous, man.

Yeah, you keep coming in and out.

You sound fine, but I can see when you drop out.

I'm most times staying muted because I'm hearing on my side.

And it was real fast, like a tape recorder going off.

So I know that's packet, you know, packets catching up.

Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Are you using Android Skype or on the laptop?

No, I'm just tethering, dude.

I'm just using mobile bandwidth tether, man.

and I'm using everything through the PC.

Oh, okay.

All right, so it's on the PC.

Okay, that was my first guess

because the app, it's really a piece of shit,

that Skype app for Android.

I heard the Windows mobile phone,

which no one has anyway,

but their Skype for that is really good.

The Skype app is good.

I want to ask you something.

Have you heard anything about this neat thing

called the Surface?

Yeah, the tab, the Surface tablet.

Yeah, what about it?

I mean, I don't know that much about it, dude.

You know, like, I'm really, you know, I used to be very current, you know, as you well know,

because I subscribed to all the mags, but I don't.

So now, and I didn't know anything that much about it, you know, anything like the starter.

Are they all, like, around $399 or something like that to start out?

There's an ARM processor version I think is cheaper, and there's a Pro version,

and I think there's three different levels of it.

$399, excuse me, $399 sounds about right because they're keeping it competitive with the iPad and the...

Yeah, because they don't want iPads to be less expensive.

I'll tell you this.

I'll tell you I'd wait because I know they just announced the new Surface tablets,

and they weren't that impressive compared to the first generation, which were okay,

but they were first-generation hardware.

I would never jump right into it.

I'd always wait until, like, the third generation or second.

The second wasn't that impressive, A.

B, Microsoft did buy out Nokia, what, a month ago?

so after they did that I know

HP and Dell and all the other

third party hardware guys

completely dropped support for

the touch Microsoft touch you know for tablet UI

because they don't want to compete against because Microsoft

basically has become a hardware company for

tablets now and they're not going to compete

with a Microsoft so they're not going to be making it so there

There should only probably be, it's going to be like Apple.

Apple makes their own hardware.

Microsoft's going to be making their own tablet hardware harder.

Probably the phone hardware, too, under the Nokia arm, you know, the assets that they gained.

So no one's going to make this touch except for...

Starting in a few, whenever the next cycle comes up, by this time next year,

because the Surface tablet, the new one, Generation 2 announcement was, I want to say, three weeks ago.

If you want to see what they're like, go to YouTube and look up Microsoft Surface Announcement 2013.

It just happened like three or four weeks ago, I think.

They showed off the new hardware, whatever is new.

I think Microsoft right now, they're in a state of flux.

Steve Ballmer is leaving as CEO.

Some people are wanting Bill Gates to come back as CEO.

Apparently, he's been showing up a lot more on the campus at Microsoft at Redmond.

There's a rumor he's going to come back as CEO.

I think the guy that they got from Nokia who is a former Microsoft person,

that ELOP guy, he might also become CEO.

That's the second choice, the second runner.

The Nokia thing is a big thing for Microsoft.

What I'm trying to say is I would stay away from service right now.

It looks cool, but it's still early hardware,

and Microsoft is running with the ball.

They're the only ones doing it.

No one else is utilizing this part of the…

They were until now.

Until Microsoft bought out Nokia last month, there were other players.

I think, I want to say HP was making them.

I want to say Dell.

I think Asus, not Asus.

Toshiba?

Is Toshiba making them?

Because they've had some of the best touch stuff for even since the XP days.

I don't know.

You'd have to see.

I don't think Toshiba really does anything much with touch right now.

The big touch players are Asus.

Dude, have you ever seen a Toshiba?

One of them, like, 10-inch ones that have the rotating.

communicating those have been done since xp days yeah yeah yeah i've seen them that work

with media center yeah i know seeing them it was just it was kind of gimmicky back then now it's a

little more practical um but i don't know like i said i know someone that has a surface he loves it

it's got the clicky keyboard and this and that and the nice ui and all like a keyboard you attach

is it is it attached or is it a bluetooth or what is i don't know how much of that's why i'm asking

I only heard about it recently

and it might be something

coming up in my future

so I was trying to get an idea

of which is the best direction with this

physically Milkman

it's a magnet attachment

a very strong magnet

I don't know how it communicates with a device

I think it's via bluetooth

I think it's a wireless bluetooth connection

I'm not sure you'd have to find out

you know what Milkman

if you live near San Francisco

I was going to say I need to go

where do I have to go to play with one of these fuckers

Best Buy has them, but probably the best would be go to the –

there's Microsoft stores in the major markets,

and I'd be really surprised if San Francisco didn't have one because that's a –

If they don't got one, they ought to be shot in the ass

than if they got a store, man, because there should be someone.

Okay, well, all right.

I know New York has one.

I know they're few and far in between, but the Microsoft stores are out there.

I would be remiss to –

I would be really shocked if San Francisco did not have the actual brick and mortar,

but that's where you want to go.

For a while, you could only buy it in their Microsoft store,

and then they found Best Buy didn't want to carry it,

and then they relented and they started carrying it, something like that.

I don't know, Microsoft store, San Francisco.

Let's see.

Oh, dude, that's not cool, man.

They can't fucking lock up the hardware like fucking bullshit.

That's just, oh, that sucks.

It's on Market Street, Milkman.

Market Street?

Where at?

Oh, I know Market Street.

Yeah, man.

There you go.

Go down to Marcus Street.

Get yourself a nice, I don't know, whatever the special sandwiches there with the fish that everyone knows about.

Get that and a nice lemonade.

Hello, you've reached Microsoft at Westfield, San Francisco Center.

They're probably closed.

Hello, you've reached Microsoft at Westfield, San Francisco Center.

We're not open right now.

Yeah, they're closed already.

But there you go, Milkman.

There's your door.

All right.

Then I'm heading over there, man.

See you later.

You got to stand in line for like two days

Two days in line

Just like Apple store

Well I'll camp out over here

So that way I'll be ready

Yes remember Tim Searcy

He got prank called here recently

By the Madhouse Boys

Remember him from the American

Telemarkers

Tim Searcy

I've heard of this guy

I know Nunu is like

Totally in love with this guy

So, he is a character right here from the madhouse.

He's well beloved.

All right, here's another Indian restaurant.

Why not, right?

It's all we got to go with.

Look, man, I found this really angry Chinese place in Florida back in Orlando.

I called him.

What do you mean, Karma?

Hey, boy, how are you?

Good, how are you?

I'll make an order.

No small talk.

Sure.

What can I get for you?

One chicken biryani.

One papadums.

Okay.

One pilau rice.

Mm-hmm.

Three vegetable machines?

What is that?

Three vegetable machine?

Machine?

Yeah.

I don't think we have that.

Oh, okay.

One sister?

Do we have that?

Do you have sister?

No, we don't.

Oh, do you have brother, younger brother?

Twelve brothers?

Yes, mm-hmm.

Okay, younger brother, one younger brother to come in front.

All right.

And I'm going to throw an apple at him.

You're going to throw or you're ordering?

I'm going to throw an apple at him and pull down his pants and put a banana in there.

Oh, all right.

And I'm going to be like, oh, look, find the banana, Donkey Kong, you know, and I'll put it in.

And then I'll say, Bhenchod, and I'll spin around in a circle.

I'll say, Bhenchod, Bhenchod, with my arms flailing out, you know.

I'll flap my arms like a pelican.

You know how a pelican tries to fly, but it can't? It's like, duh.

No, I don't know, because I'm not crazy.

Oh, flamingo. You know flamingos can't fly, but they try because they're so stupid?

No, I don't know.

Oh, that's how good your food is.

I know, that's how good your mind is also.

What about Betty Chod?

That's what your friend is.

There's a new street.

The new thing to say is Betty Chod.

I know.

It's called Goodbye.

Oh, that one.

That's a good one.

Goodbye.

Yeah, Milkman.

Now they've replaced Matterchod and Badchod.

Now people say Betty Chod on the Madhouse Network.

I'm going to get with the times.

Snappy's net.

We lost Milkman.

He dropped during that call.

Milkman.

Listen, you know the Madhouse boys, the guys on Madhouse.

Now they say Betty Chod.

Apparently, it's even worse than Madarchod or Bhenchod.

Yeah, I've been hearing it.

Some of these Indian people are like, son of a bitch, fucking like they say, fuck you, asshole, like that.

Son of a bitch.

Yeah, they get really mad.

Yeah, you can imagine why you would.

A brother, a brother fucker.

Yeah.

Damn.

Man.

Hey.

12-year-old.

Hey.

Hey, KDK.

He's back.

He's doing shows.

Is he?

He plays 10.

And pranks he did 10 years ago, and then he smokes a cigarette really slow.

God, don't you remember he solicited KDK and he would light a cigarette and he would stop talking.

There'd be no music, nothing playing.

You just hear him.

Oh, God, it sounded so gay.

Like, it's such a gay thing to do.

You know how gay people just love.

He's huffing something, all right.

You know those gay people that really love their cigarettes, you know?

Like, they just like, oh.

Like, when they smoke a cigarette, they inhale it.

Is it stick shape?

Is that it?

I don't know.

No, there's some gay dudes that really smoke the fuck out of some cigarettes, man.

They must like that stickular shape, man.

They usually have a Freddie Mercury mustache, too.

Oh, hell, man.

They look like Mario.

Yeah.

It's Super Mario.

With the cigarette.

Hello, Cigar.

How can I help you?

There was a man there.

He was smoking a cigarette outside.

There was a man smoking a cigarette outside.

And he works there.

What's that about?

Hello?

What is it?

Where are you calling from?

There was a man working there, and he was smoking a cigarette outside.

I saw him.

Fuck you, too, monkey.

What an asshole.

He's like, don't you talk about smoking cigarettes, monkey.

If you could have listened, you could have heard him coughing in the background.

I tried to mute it.

Don't you talk about my cigarettes, monkey.

He probably doesn't.

He's like, monkey, those Indians take smoking seriously.

Now, my ass was going, Jack.

You don't trample on their rights.

Time to get the vape, baby.

The one airline from India, they let you smoke on it.

There's a few of those out there, like Middle East and Asia, South Asia and stuff.

It's like you smoke all you want, motherfucker.

Here we go.

I know someone who went to Cuba on a trip.

He was a journalism major.

He went to the Bahamas first, and then from there he bought the ticket.

It was on a Soviet airline that was like Russian.

It was a Soviet plane.

He said you could see the nails sticking out of the wing,

like where they just kind of did patch jobs to fix it.

an old soviet airplane the airline and he said you were allowed to smoke and he said everyone

fucking smoked on that plane it was like he said it was like walking like into like a fucking

you ever been to like one of those receptions at a church like a bingo hall and everyone's

been smoking in it and it's like oh shit yeah man i used to yeah actually i used to work for

a fire department back in the day when god i hear your milkman i remember once i went to a wedding

reception i was like 10 years old it was a it was at the church bingo hall they the couple got

married at the catholic church that we went to and then in the bingo hall was a reception and

we were there and those motherfuckers were smoking so much and i was like 10 years old

so i kept bouncing inside and outside like i would go outside and we're all playing basketball

and we came in you know drink some water whatever hang out and stuff and it was like swimming in a

a fucking pool of cigarette smoke it was so disgusting god those old fucking people old

fucking i know dude really are into the cigarette smoking dude back in the 90s yeah the 80s and 90s

oh yeah this was in the 90s yeah because i was working in the fire department it was a bunch of

fucking like knights of columbus old fucking people and all these knights of columbus fucking

members and their fucking wives big italian nose give me a hit of oxygen give me a cigarette you

know oh my god i was smoking that fucking you didn't have to smoke a cigarette all you had to

was one i remember like saying i'm gonna keep walking in uh it's so cool it's like i'm smoking

me and my friend were saying it's like yeah you know we're 10 years old we can act like we're

smoking we just gotta walk in here and get the buzz and literally we could feel the cigarette

buzz we'd go outside i was like whoa it was like hd versus like you know sd tv it was it

They'd look at you like, God, that was fucking nuts.

That was a good time.

Those were cloud days, man.

Yeah.

All right.

Let's get back to the numbers, back to the prank calls.

Big Lonesome Losers sending in many numbers.

Here's Nan and Curry.

Nan and Curry.

Nan being a kind of bread, Curry being a kind of spice.

You make soup for a meat kind of broth.

Man, I want some Indian food.

Milkman, maybe tomorrow I'll get some Indian food.

It's payday.

you know maybe get some nice healthy indian food some vegetable biryani you know some tofu

ain't gonna be on much longer man i just uh oh it's really loud there hello it's really loud

where you are it's loud you're fucking loud hello fuck you fuck you fuck her in her loud place i

don't want to talk to her kanishka cuisine of india machine there we go yeah milkman i'm gonna

get what what's the indian meat that's like red you know i mean the meat comes out all like red

It's got a lot of saffron in it, right?

Is that what they're using when they do that saffron shit?

You talking to me?

Yeah, what Indians, when they get all that red drink.

Tandoori.

It's a tandoori, but it's a saffron in it, right?

Is there saffron in it?

I think it's a saffron.

Mr. Malcolm?

Yeah, how are you?

Good.

How about you?

I want to make an order, Spanky.

Okay, what would you like?

Spanky.

Sorry?

Spanky.

Spank?

Spanky.

I think you dialed some wrong number, you know?

Listen, this is stupid people, Indian food.

I want to make an order.

Okay, what would you like?

One vegetable biryani.

Okay, how spicy?

Oh, number five.

Okay.

Number five.

You didn't ask me what number five is.

I know that.

Are you being dismissive?

Sorry?

Number five out of ten, or what are you doing?

Out of five.

Out of five?

And five is the hottest or the coldest?

Yeah, it's extra hot.

It's so hot?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

How about make it a six?

Can you make it a six?

Anything more you need?

Uh-huh.

One garlic naan.

Mm-hmm.

Now, hold the garlic.

Hello?

Hold the garlic.

Hold no garlic.

No garlic.

Hello?

One garlic naan.

Hold the garlic, please.

Yes, I got that.

You know, one garlic naan.

Okay.

One bhenchod.

Hmm?

Bhenchod.

What the?

Bettichud.

Bettimattichud?

No, Bettichud.

Just Bettichud.

Huh?

Bettichud.

That's him.

No.

He said terebanti, man.

He said terebattichud.

My mother...

You know what he said?

He said my mother's pussy.

That's what he said.

Teddy Moditude.

He's doubling back on us there, right?

He's working it.

I think I...

What did I say?

His sister's pussy?

And he said, your mother's pussy?

That's what he said.

Teddy Moditude.

That's hilarious.

I'm starting to understand what they're saying now.

Teddy Moditude, right?

It doesn't mean it's my mother's pussy?

Is that what you said?

Hey, who are you, man?

Oh, this is Panjal.

Who?

Panjal.

Hello there, Panjal.

Yeah, I'm from Pakistan.

How are you?

He's like, fuck you.

fuck you asshole god damn all right moving right along oh my little burnt down on the

indian stuff all you hear on this station now is indians indians angry indians milkman you know

i listen they've caught under our angle dude and they they've got a lot of my out of i gotta say

you're still a master but i mean and you know i can't get upset there's a lot of emphasis

analysis with everybody using it daily that's nothing but a tribute to you my brother but

yeah but milkman i can't get upset to be honest with you it wasn't my idea

originally has always been uh jim steward was the first to do that shit no no no it wasn't it's not

all our fault but we have done quite a quite a long went a long ways with it dude i mean we've

taken it to another level dude and brought back even the masters into play i mean it's been

masterfully done i mean we brought all the originals back and and here it still remains

with all our brethren out there and sister and everybody in the cistern you know the cistern is

right yeah you know the cistern is you lived in patrick all right yeah oh shit you know what

milkman i forgot to start the youtube video oh hey hey hey hey we're like so far into the show

i'm like an hour and 40 minutes worth of show so far you know what i didn't get a message that

so no one made a big deal about the youtube video being down but now it's up

hi okay well i'm gonna be a little short but that's all right man you know patch audio to do

it it's fixed now sorry youtubers just figured out that i wasn't broadcasting because a lot of

of people around here talk a lot of shit and don't do their jobs and you got your hat on man

dude look at that look at the head on that house cat dude the head on the house cat right whatever

that means plowy wow davi wow davi's stupid davi didn't he wanted to be in here then i started

coughing and he ran out like a little bitch he's such a bitch oh he's the show cat he's the show

Show cap, man.

That's fucking...

That's a little fucking bitch.

Hey, Brad Carter sent in numbers.

For people, he went to a pet grooming place,

and I guess there was a sign-up sheet on the table

for people to get holiday pictures,

portraits of their dogs and cats.

Why was Brad inside a pet place,

a pet grooming place,

and does he groom his dog?

That's gay.

Bear called Dobby in now, man.

he's the show cat dude yeah but anyway i digress listen uh milkman we got this list of people

who want to get the pictures taken of the dogs and the cats for the what am i what am i doing

i'm talking like fucking uh bill cosby here they want to get the pictures of dogs and the cats

that's what i gotta do hang on that's right

I'll do a fucking

Alright let's call Amanda

Who got some kind of stupid animal

That she wants to get pictures taken of

That is funny you know

People

You can't just leave sign up sheets out in public anymore

Cause some asshole like Brad Carter

Is gonna take a picture with his cell phone

And send it to us

Thank god it's us and not someone worse

It could be a pervert

it could be like

Bookapoo or Polaris

they're perverts

you know

if Bookapoo and Polaris

saw this

they'd probably jerk off

on the sheet

and everything

and they'd get caught

awful demons

man

cause they will respond

Bookapoo jerks off

oh my god

phone numbers

holy shit

oh shit

I can send these

to Brad

just imagine it

it's like

Peyton Place

he'll be the king

of the phone losers

he'll call the postern

Berber

my ground

Now I have a bad image of Bookaboo jerking off over a fucking fold-up table.

Dude, you keep calling for demons, man.

Don't bring these fucking clowns out of the closet, man.

They're dead.

Jerking off over a fold-up table.

Next thing you'll be calling that fat motherfucker, dude, and then you will have problems.

God, dude.

That's fucking gross.

Oh, baby.

I'll go.

That's a fucking funny joke, man.

That's some funny-ass shit.

All right.

Quiet, Milkman.

about sure behave yourself i quit i just noticed i told him i told him one side is day phone the

other side is evening phone let's call the evening phone side instead here's jane jane big jane

mary jane i'm in love with her she's my main thing i can't reach my phone right now but you

know what to do because i'm too fat thank you she can't reach her phone because she's too fat

if she answers the second time i also want to say to her i can't reach my phone i'm too big

Oh, piggy, piggy.

Hello?

Yeah, you couldn't reach your phone?

Who's this?

This is Eddie.

I'm calling from the pet groomer you had put down for holiday pet photography.

Oh, yeah.

In November 15th or something like that.

Yeah, 21st.

Yes.

Look on your calendar.

It's the 21st.

The first thing is put that down on your calendar because I can't have no-shows, you know?

It's bad.

It's very bad and disrespectful.

Right.

How many pets do you have?

I have two cats and one dog, but I want to do it for my dog.

You just want to do it for your dog?

Yeah.

What breed is the dog?

Can you talk to him on the phone?

Excuse me?

What?

How dare you?

I'm talking to my daughter.

Yeah, tell her to shut up.

What kind of dog is it?

What breed?

It's a chow mix.

It's a chow mix?

He's a little bit, yeah.

A little bit of an asshole probably, yeah.

No, she's a fair.

Better be.

All right, so I was thinking we can wrap up the chow.

Let's see.

I got here some tinsel, some copper tinsel.

We can wrap it up really tight, you know, so that the chow gets out of hand.

I can yank on the tinsel.

Okay.

She's a good dog.

Is it a female?

Yes.

All right.

She's very good.

Okay.

I got a picture.

I'm picturing here in my head we'll have the chow biting somebody and we'll have a picture taken of it.

Yeah.

She doesn't bite.

No, but we'll make her bite.

We'll slap her around.

We'll hit her.

will call you you stupid motherfucker you will say that no oh okay well i don't want to deal

with you you're a real asshole yeah whatever she's not gonna get angry she's oh everything's

great in my life well fuck you lady she's not gonna get part of the movie obviously obviously

she's not gonna be a part of my special fucking coffee book coffee table book entitled violent

I know.

That's extremely cool, dude.

I like the cigar aspect of it with the building and ashtray, dude.

That's awesome.

Don't fucking bless me, lady.

Try her again.

Fucking blessing me.

I don't need that shit.

Michael Scruggs has a GTA V, a PLA Madhouse crew on Grand Theft Auto V,

and we're all invited to join it.

It's in his mouth.

Hello?

hello hello you answer the phone you're not talking stupid it's in his mouth we're all

invited to his party check that out if you have grand theft auto 5 who's who's having a party

michael j scruggs of 128 horse machine ranch road seattle washington his phone number is

whoops here's big tammy or jammy something like that i can't tell because of how bad her

her handwriting is, because she's probably on the

cell phone, on the smart phone all the time,

the iPhone, Milkman, you know.

The, the, the, the, smart phone all the time,

chewing on bubble gum.

I'm never finishing the phone, so I'm too busy to acknowledge

your existence.

Smacking her chewing gum.

I got a phone, and it's

white. That makes me extra cool.

I'll send a message, and I'll try to get

back to you as soon as I can.

Sure you will, bitch. Try her again.

I was going to buy a GTA 5,

but I only have a PS3.

I said I'd have to get it for PS3.

I know Cobra's on there, but...

And PSA Cobra's on there.

I got Grand Theft Auto 3 on my phone.

That's old.

Old.

You're old.

Old, old, old.

It works pretty nice, too, once you use that controller I talked about.

You ever play this new game called Doom, Milkman?

You should check it out.

It's called Doom.

Dude, it really works good, man, because, like, you got rotating joysticks on either side.

Yeah.

Dude, get that game, Doom.

It's awesome as the fucking bomb.

I love it.

I play it all the time, all night.

This thing, Wolfenstein, is the next thing, I'm telling you.

Oh, yeah, man.

You got to look for it, dude.

Cheetahmen for NES is good, too.

Man, you got to go for the Megacod option, dude, and you can't be stopped.

It's kind of like the Madhouse, you know.

Calling someone else.

Why are you playing some of my music, dude?

What?

Hello?

Is this Myria Herrera?

Yeah.

I'm calling from Holiday Pet Photography Machines.

You had signed up for pet photography Thursday, November 21st.

Oh, for the pit photography?

That's what I said.

Um, when?

That's what I said, yeah.

Um, when is it?

It's Thursday, November 21st.

You put it down on the paper.

What's the problem?

Thursday, November 21st.

Okay, wait.

What's the problem?

I don't speak Spanish.

I don't speak Spanish, honey.

Excuse me?

I don't know what you said because I don't speak Spanish, honey.

This is American.

Yeah, I'm explaining to my brother.

because he's the owner of the dog.

Do your dogs speak English or Spanish?

Because I have to give them commands.

No, like, I mean,

like, how much is it for the photo?

$5.

$5?

Yeah, digital $5.

And if you want to print, it's $10.

And for $12?

Yeah.

For $12, I won't hit your dog.

For $12 and you won't hit my dog?

What?

Well, sometimes you have to hit him

to get him in place, you know,

to shock him a little bit.

so we like use a paper or like a like a little ball and we hit them so that they stay in place

for a few seconds to take the picture but for an extra it just makes it easier but if you give us

an extra twelve dollars and we don't know well then we'll work around it we'll work around it

oh okay because if not i'll hit the dog okay wait let me can you so you can say my brother

i have to tell him i throw a baseball at the dog and i hit it so it stays in place

and then we snap the picture?

I don't know.

That's not right.

Honey, just translate it for your brother.

Maybe he understands.

Hurry up.

Go.

Okay.

you have to pay $2

for if you have to pay

so that it stays still.

Yeah, so that it stays still

like this for a second

to take the photo.

And then,

just $5 or $10

for $10

if you want

to be touched in the photo.

I don't think he wants them anymore.

Tell him we're hooded with a garden hose.

With a garden hose.

Yeah, but I don't think he wants the pictures to be taken.

Is that okay?

Is it a boy dog or a girl dog?

Don't go.

No, but he doesn't want the pictures taken anymore.

Then we won't hit the dog.

I won't hit the dog.

I promise.

No.

Please.

No, he just doesn't want to because I don't think he can that day.

Maybe I can take a picture of you, you stupid dog.

You sound like a dog.

Is it okay if we cancel the date?

Now you want to cancel?

I had it all day.

Look, you're canceling at the last minute?

I'm just asking.

Can I?

No, you can't cancel.

I'm going to charge you still.

How much are you going to charge?

Well, I'm charging you a cancellation fee, $25 plus the price.

$25?

Yeah, cancellation fee.

Cancellation fee.

Okay, well, so that means, like, if we don't want to take them, we have to pay $25.

But we just signed up.

We didn't even, like, get anything.

We just put our name on it.

The store had all your information on file.

They gave me for all the customers already.

So they're going to charge you, and they'll take you to, they'll put it on your credit and everything.

And it's your name, not his.

So you're the one that screwed up, you know?

Is it a credit number?

I said it's your name, not hers, not his.

is so you're the one that screwed up we'll take you to a credit and everything we'll put it on

your credit negative credit history if you don't pay it hello okay okay then that's fine you want

to put for a different date then or i'm going to charge you like 50 more money for not doing it

hello are you like playing with me because this is like hell of a stuff no because we didn't even

even put anything down i you signed up and i put all the resource i you know no we did not i made

time on the schedule and everything i got prepared and everything i talked to my wife about this and

you're canceling on me that's not fair that's not fair it cost me a lot of my time where what

story did we sign up in uh petco yeah yeah don't be stupid come on it's gonna mess me up

Did you just call me stupid?

Okay, I'm hanging up.

No, no, I said don't be stupid.

You know, like, you're not stupid yet.

Now I give out the name of the place.

Now I have to edit it out.

I hate you, YouTube, and everyone else.

Bass is calling, Milkman.

Bass.

Peck, peck.

Peck, peck, asshole.

Ding, ding.

Hello?

Hello, is that Stephanie?

Stephanie's calling.

This is Eddie.

I'm calling from Holiday Pet Photography Machine.

You signed up for our Holiday Pet Photography Package?

For Thursday, November 21st?

Yes.

Is that a male dog machine or a female dog machine?

I have a female.

A female?

Okay.

You don't have any males then?

No.

I have a male cat.

You have a male.

Is the cat going to get pictures also?

Uh-huh.

All right.

And how big are the cat's sexual organs so I know for the lens?

What does that have to do with anything?

Because I have to make sure that it fits to have the right lens, you know,

for the sex to accommodate for his sexual organ.

Okay.

I don't...

Hold on a second.

I'm going to let Chuck in my head

because I don't see what his...

what anything Matt has to do with it.

I mean, it would be a space I want to...

It's a sexual organ.

It's natural.

You don't have to be ashamed.

Who's calling in the first place?

Hi, this is Eddie.

Don't get...

Don't...

They're talking about...

I don't want to talk about...

Don't be stupid.

Listen, I need to know

how big the cat's...

male cat's sexual organs are

so I can get the right lens

for the picture that you're...

You're not taking pictures of my cat.

Just a dog?

Okay, never mind.

I guess that's not going down there.

You're not taking pictures with Mark, are you?

Sexual organ.

She wouldn't say it.

She's a Christian girl.

She's not a dirty girl.

That's not the kind of girl I want.

Hello?

Yeah, if you could just tell me.

I hung up because I have decided that this is a prank and I don't like it.

Listen, you signed up.

Don't call again.

There's a $25 cancellation fee.

Okay.

Do you want me to talk to them as the supervisor?

No, we better not call again, Baz, because they're serious.

He said himself he's serious.

You know, he said he's serious.

Let's see if we have any more of those numbers.

We finally got, you know, I've had these for about a month now.

I'm glad they're still working.

Did you hear Brad's snowplow show where he called a few of those?

Did he call a few of them?

Oh, fine.

Yeah, it was hilarious.

is he was saying that they were going to be doing pet on cat porn

and dogs on cats and cats on dogs.

Nice.

Dog on cat.

Oh, yeah, man.

That's the only way.

That's the only way to go is dog on cat.

The other way around.

Be serious.

That ain't going to work.

We got a voicemail here.

We can play that.

Let's see what the voicemail is.

Let's see if it's police.

I don't know what.

I got to look at the area code.

I'm not sure who it was.

Let's find out.

Now, it's only four seconds long, so I thought there was a message.

No, nothing left.

We also got a number saying, don't know who you are, but I'm reporting you to the police.

That came on a text message from someone who was angry at us.

Again, do not know who you are, but I'm reporting this number to police.

Just like that.

All right, guys.

You're fucked now.

It's over.

Milkman, I'll take the blame.

The show's registered under Milkman's name.

I don't care.

So that's the only reason why I keep Milkman along, is for his personal information.

He'll take the heat.

Let me go back to request a prank.

Let's see if we got anything else there.

Looks like we do.

Thank you, guys.

Any UK numbers?

No.

Mike Oxlong says, I'm planning on going back home to Los Angeles.

Someone wants to pick up girls in Vegas on his way through to Los Angeles.

I guess someone offering a ride for $30 for rides.

I think it's another woman.

I think it's a woman wanting to offer women rides.

He says, maybe we can get coffee.

Getting really personal on it.

It's like, let's get coffee.

You know, I'm very adventurous.

Pretty easy.

What the fuck?

Pretty easy?

That's right.

I'm very easy to get along with.

Oh.

Easy, too.

I'm sure.

I think it's a man, actually.

I think it's...

Oh, no, it's a woman.

It's Maya.

That's a pretty name.

So you just read the easy part.

or you didn't read the TV at all.

Yeah.

In Killer Instinct 2, Maya was a character.

She was shitty.

She sucked.

The computer AI played well with her,

but she was hard to control and sucked.

What?

Hey, Maya.

It's hot.

This is Maya.

Sorry I missed your call.

Leave me your number, or...

Shut up, you Kardashian bitch.

Yeah, Carlito, you know that full-fuel restaurant that sent you?

I'll tell you after you're done with it, so...

As you answered, Maya.

I go for a baked potato right now.

Ken, make me a baked potato. Come back.

Do you want cream on it?

Sour cream. You know what I heard?

I heard the prank call we did to that one dude

and I made up the porno

called Cream Street 2 that we were

filming. Oh, yeah.

I heard that the other day. I heard that

I think it was yesterday or two days ago at work.

I just pulled up a random Madhouse

prank show that I did recently this year.

It was on my SD card. It was like

yeah, Cream Street.

I got that from somewhere

I got it from somewhere

But I said Ken was in the sequel to Cream Street

And somehow there was an African safari

Fucking scene in it

Yeah

He's going to be jerking off

Next to a lion in the savannah

It wasn't the kid that kept going

You gotta be kidding me

Hey well I stopped at

This Filipino bakery that's right next to

Let's try

You gotta call that bakery

I'll tell you in about a minute.

Oh, you had a story.

That's right.

Hang on.

Remind me.

I'm busy.

Call me back.

No answer there from the handmade,

homemade Indian dress for fucking sisters.

That was sent in by Mike.

All right.

So what was your story here, Baz?

What did you have to report?

Yeah.

Okay.

There's this full bakery that's just down the street from that restaurant

that you keep calling tonight.

And I stopped in there every now and then.

and they actually have killer pastries, American pastries.

There's a drag queen that works there, a Filipino drag queen.

So I was ordering my pastry, and I heard really a sound that was going,

man, did you talk to my boyfriend today?

It was one of the speakers.

He was talking about how he had just won a drag competition,

and the look of that is just flaming.

Oh, really?

And I tried to find out his name.

I go in there, you know, about maybe once a week,

and maybe I get that number, and we can try calling him,

And one of you

Will have some time

Yeah we'll get some information

Because you gotta be careful

Going there

Yeah yeah

I mean I wouldn't call

Because I go in there

But I'll give you a number

And you can do it

So what's with the Asians

That like to be ladyboys

Like that's like Thailand

And the Philippines

That's Thai

Ladyboy things

All the time man

Did you see the hangover

The what

The hangover

Part 2

No

I've just seen the first one

That's

It was a hilarious

Ladyboy scene

In Thailand

I'm going to watch it and jerk to it.

All right, here is a 24-hour gym in Alaska.

Get that number, Baz, quick.

Yeah, they're not open now.

You're chopping in and out too, Baz.

I don't know if it's my end or your guys' now.

Let me try reconnecting.

All right.

Thank you for calling Body Renew Fitness, Alaska and Oregon's premier fitness studio.

Please listen carefully to the following options as they have recently changed.

For billing inquiries and customer service, press 1.

For membership, boot camps, fitness classes, and personal training.

Thank you for calling the Administrative and Customer Service Department for Body Renew Fitness.

Alaska selection is incorrect.

Please try again at the...

24-hour, my ass.

Let's try a different one.

Hey, is my audio still choppy?

I don't know yet.

We got to keep talking for a little bit.

All right.

Sounds choppy, but I don't know.

Again, we're early into the call.

Get beyond, we'll see.

Alaska and Oregon's premier fitness studio.

Please listen carefully to the following options as they have recently changed.

It's the same number.

For billing inquiries and customer service, press 1.

For membership, boot camps, fitness classes.

Same number.

My bad.

Here's a different one.

Now this is a different one here.

Come on up, bitch.

Anyway, here we go.

I've been noticing I've got a big drop in my bandwidth lately.

Hmm.

Maybe you have a tap.

You've got a bandwidth leak.

Leave a message after the tone.

Come on, Jim.

Jim.

Try him again.

That Jim has an old school answering machine.

I'm about done with this guy's numbers.

Sorry, Mike Oxlong.

Did what we could with them, but, you know.

Hello.

Mike Oxlong.

Hello.

All right.

Turkey and chicken.

That's the name of the place.

This person is selling turkeys and chicken.

Nice.

I'm telling him you need all the birds because your pit bull, Bruce, only eats live food.

Question mark.

So these are live turkeys and chickens?

Apparently, yeah.

I don't think they've been slaughtered.

I suppose you could also go ask if the birds have been properly fisted.

All right.

Can I take this one?

Sure, yeah.

This is in Arizona.

Chicken and turkey machines.

Here you go.

Right.

Take it away.

Good luck.

It's getting stuffy in this room.

Time to open a window.

And here we wait.

Hello?

Hello, I'm calling about the turkey machines.

About the what?

The turkey machines.

You have live turkeys and chickens for sale?

Oh, yes.

I'm sorry, you're messing up just a little bit.

No, how, is it good now?

Can you hear me?

We still have all of them.

Which ones were you interested in?

I'm interested in all of the chickens and the turkeys.

And I want to know, are they slow chickens and turkeys?

I need slow birds.

Slow birds?

Yeah, slow.

slow because i've got some some vicious wilders that i'm training as dogs and i'm going to turn

them on the turkeys and the chickens to kind of work them up to faster targets so i need them to

be slow um we have a lot of people of dubious color that live around here i'm trying to train

my dogs and so i'm trying to work them up to being fast at chasing their prey so i want them

them to chase the turkeys and the dickens and attack them and kill them.

So do you have a problem with that?

No.

People can do whatever they want with them.

They're just bird-brained.

Well, we're asking $45 for the turkeys.

They're royal palms.

They're a really pretty bird.

And then the dickens, depending on what breed you're interested in, which you probably don't

care, but they're $15 to $30 depending on which breed.

Okay.

You're in Arizona, correct?

We are. We're in Vail.

Yeah, so we've got our training compound here not too far away from that.

So we're preparing for the coming of the next strike.

So we want to train our dogs to be able to attack certain types of people.

Bitch.

Yeah, so we want to set them up so we can deliver the turkeys and chickens to our compound.

Bitch.

Hmm. Well, I know that, um, jerseys will probably fly away from them.

Bitch.

I don't know what they will do.

They have shotguns, too, so we need shotgun practice.

Bitch.

So we can shoot them while they're flying away.

Bitch.

Okay. I guess that would work, too.

Bitch.

Yeah. So, tell me, have they been properly fisted?

Bitch.

Have they been what?

Properly fisted.

Bitch.

I don't know why you're pointing at me.

Bitch.

It's because I'm a bitch.

Bitch.

Yeah, because can you even help them fish those turkeys and chickens for us?

Get them all loosened up so it keeps them kind of scared.

Yeah, this is Commander Cross, and Baz is having a bad time with his telephone.

Listen, he's calling because he needs a chicken and a turkey.

He likes to throw the chickens and the turkeys out for his pit bull to catch them.

You understand?

Uh-huh.

The pit bull, like, grabs the chicken and it abuses them, you know?

It rapes the chickens, and then it picks it up by the neck and, like, breaks the neck and all that.

And then we let the dog fuck the chicken for a little while longer, and then we cook it.

We clean it.

Hello?

That's right.

I'm listening.

I'm sorry.

It's a delicacy.

Are there two different people on the line?

We let the dog fuck the chicken, then we cook the chicken.

There's no juice on the slime.

Yeah.

It's called cream-filled chicken.

You guys, maybe, I don't know, our chickens are more of a...

Are they bitches and hoes?

What do you mean?

Fuck yeah.

Are your chickens bitches and hoes?

They're straight, Ron.

I don't know if that's what you're asking.

There's males and females.

No.

So they're straight?

You want gay chickens?

A female chicken is a bitch.

You know how they say that?

In our order, we call them bitches and hoes.

Actually, the truth is, Baz, I don't know if you knew,

but a female chicken is a hen.

Did you look that up?

Oh, it is?

That's on Wikipedia.

Yeah, it tells you.

I don't know what you're saying.

What the hell you say?

Yeah.

A male chicken is a stud.

Yep.

It's cool stuff, man.

Oh, it's amazing.

I should pick up a book now and then.

You know a baby goat is a kid?

Think about it.

No way.

Yeah.

And if you spell live backwards, it's evil.

So, so, it's a female dog.

Yeah.

You got bad audio problems.

Bad as why?

Go kick your wife or something.

Breakin' her fuckin' teeth.

Tell her, bitch, better have my money.

We got the number.

Better, no?

This is funny.

Yes.

No.

know i don't know i don't know uh lonesome sent in a number for shark lounge where they had a

raid there right like the week before i left to florida uh left florida for pennsylvania i was

in daytona beach one of my last i was like i'm gonna go to daytona beach one last time before

i move to pa and i went by shark's lounge shark's lounge had been the strip club had been there

since like fucking because i was a kid since i was like in middle like an elementary school i

It was like the fucking strip club on the big stretch there at the beach.

And they had a liquor store next door.

They were well known for letting you buy liquor if you were underage,

and they would also let you in without checking your ID.

And all the clubs there were 21 and up, and there would be like 16, 17-year-olds there.

Anyway, I went by, and sure enough, they were getting raided.

When I took my flight, I landed, and I was checking the local news in Orlando.

The day of my flight, you know, they had all the mugshots of all the strippers,

and I think I recognized one of them from high school.

Anyway, who cares, right?

Let's just call them.

Hey, you remember in 2010 when the cops came and that guy was jerking off?

That was funny, yo.

It was really funny.

Of course, not going to talk about it.

Anyway, Latin Connection, anyone want to talk to Latin Connection?

Ken?

Baz?

Actually, my bandwidth is looking okay by speed test right now.

Maybe it's just a Skype issue.

Let me redo the call.

How about that?

Skype isn't you.

Hang on.

All right, we'll do this.

Fucking Skype.

Take it easy.

It might be my fault.

Maybe it's not my fault.

Hey, here's what I'll do.

I'll play a prank call.

I'll swallow this cracker before I start coughing again.

Oh, Jesus.

And I'll be right back.

Here's a call that Nunu sent us back in 2005 since Tim Searcy just recently got caught.

or prank called, rather, by somebody.

I don't know who it was exactly.

This is right up the alley.

This is the American Telemarketers Association.

I think this might be Tim Searcy himself,

but this is an older prank call having to do with that.

I'll be right back after this, and we'll play that, okay?

All right, if I can find it.

What did I do with it?

Oh, shit.

There it is.

Here's Jack Nicholson.

Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.

Hello? How you doing?

That's correct.

Red, I ask you a personal question.

Colonel Nathan R. Jessup, realize that I work.

Do you like to be interrupted when you are lancing around?

Do you have any other questions for me?

Address me as Colonel or Sir, I believe I've earned this.

Ha.

Have you ever served in an infantry unit?

Oh, sure.

Ever served in a forward area?

Put your life in another man's hands?

His life in yours?

So be it.

Personal question.

Aren't you at work?

Have me a queer party, friends.

Just now.

Color, what are you talking about?

What a piece of shit from Nunu.

Thank you.

I think we're all reconnected.

We are reconnected.

Thank you, Nunu, for that piece of shit.

That was pretty good.

Here's a towing company.

A towing company?

Yeah.

After towing.

Yeah, it's a big TV.

Can you get it downstairs, please?

Excuse me?

I want you to get the downstairs, the TV, downstairs into the basement.

This is a towing company, sir.

Hello, yeah.

Do you want me to haul a TV downstairs?

Yeah, you know, tow it down, wrap, put some bungee cord on it and pull it down the stairs.

Okay, but our trucks aren't going to fit inside.

All right.

No, no, it's just manpower.

Don't be silly.

How are you going to put a truck inside the house?

Is there a man I can talk to?

Maybe that's the problem.

Excuse me?

Don't you dare hang up, you little hussy.

Is there a man I can talk to?

No.

What about Jeff?

He's not here.

What's he doing?

Is he fucking his wife?

I don't understand what you want, so you're not making sense.

Is Jeff porking his wife or his guma?

You know, does he have a guma?

Yeah.

Okay, so you want a TV moved?

Is that what you're trying to tell me?

I want a toad, for lack of a better term.

Toad down to the basement.

Yeah.

We're too high up to move it ourselves.

Yeah, I want to watch Three Stooges downstairs, you know?

We've got quite the pulley system set up.

Yeah, we've got fish music playing in the background, fish with a P-H.

Okay, yeah, well, our trucks aren't going to go in

and haul a TV out of your house into the basement.

I don't need you to bring a truck.

I need you to bring a man.

A man, first of all, not a woman.

No, our trucks do the work.

I'll give you money.

I'll suck your dick.

Yeah, but you have a man that operates the truck, right?

You need to call a moving company, then.

I'll suck your dick.

Your dick.

Goodbye.

Bye, Allison.

All right, cool.

But only the tip, right?

I like it when you call him a hussy.

That's funny.

Under my breath.

We're telling.

I have a big clit and I can suck on.

Is that what it is?

Is that why you're confused?

I'm not confused.

Big, fat, clitoris.

I'll mold her, bro, to beef curtains.

I'll do it.

Listen, don't just sit there.

But she's got some big floppers, too.

Don't just sit there fanning your vagina.

Talk to me.

You have a good night, sir.

Thank you.

All right, thanks.

Hey, we'll suck on your floppers.

Continue to fan her vagina.

She will do.

All right, good.

You should have heard some of the crazy shit we did last Friday, Carlito, doing the surveys.

Yeah, how'd those surveys go?

oh they were fucking hilarious this one girl we got around she would not get off the phone

which i started asking her shit like if a man or woman uh develops an emotional relationship

with their dog should they be able to uh engage in sexual congress with them and the girl's like

oh no you shouldn't be able to do that i'm like well i'm not talking like unprotected sex i'm

talking with a condom not barebacking it and shit no i still don't think you should do that

who's she to judge god the fucking jews did in the desert back in the day in the days of the bible

here here well then they got killed uh girth and clop since in a number in wisconsin for carly who

lives above a bar called the hutch and she lives alone she will pick up and have fun with her oh

yeah we'll have fun with her make her airtight yeah sounds like a dirty girl yeah i get the ears

Airtight, you need three guys.

Three holes, three guys, airtight.

Well, we got three guys here.

Milkman, too.

Milkman can film it.

Well, Milkman can ride the train, too, right?

We can swap out.

Yeah, we can play music with chairs.

Yeah, because, yeah, that way you make it last longer.

Right when you feel like you're going to get there and you're like,

Hey, Milkman.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

4-1-4.

So much for that airtight plan.

land here we'll try her again no she's probably getting airtight right now yeah with two guys

though what's your call you have to cover one of the holes if you got two guys you can do it

hello hey what's up big girl how are you carly what yeah hey carly how are you big girl big

carly how are you can't understand you i got baz online and ken we wanted to make you airtight

can we make you airtight we wanted to make you airtight you know you ever get down like that

it's awesome no do you know how you do that you're calling from oregon yeah to make a girl

airtight you have to use three men yeah you're miles away from me no this is our cell phone i'm

in wisconsin right now we're at the conference what we're at the hutch right now who is this

Megan said to give you a call.

Said you'd be down, make you airtight.

We're down for that.

Yeah, man, fuck yeah.

No, she's gone.

That's not nice to say to a woman.

It's disrespectful.

It's disrespectful to say to a woman that you're going to have sex with her.

I'm sorry, I'll go on time out.

Yeah, please.

Marie wants us to come stay in her one-bedroom cool retro.

What is this, apartment?

Ooh, a retro apartment.

apartment she will let you smoke a little weed if you do it by the open window that's nice did

she say that in the ad it sounds like a cool bitch she sounds like a hippie or something you

know she sounds like she doesn't shave her legs and arms and stuff like that probably that'd be

my guess i don't know she's like that cool smoke weed by the open window sounds like a good folk

song here we go i'm gonna be wrapping it up soon because i feel like it because i want to play gta

GTA 5.

You got it?

No, I don't.

I'm just saying that.

This is the way out of here.

I figure I take the KDK route.

I want to play insert name of new game here.

I don't think he plays GTA, though.

I know Ted Webb likes GTA.

I don't think KDK likes it, though.

I'm just pissed because they haven't even announced a date for the PC port of that.

Hello?

Hey, big girl.

Is that Big Marie?

Who's calling?

Oh, this is Eddie.

I wanted to see about staying in that one bedroom.

room uh cool is when you say cool retro you mean 80s retro 90s what is it it's um like older than

that but the thing is honey it's that you got i was looking no i was looking for a female because

oh come on please i'll i can smoke i won't i'll smoke the weed by the window and everything and

i use my syringe in the bathroom you won't even see it yeah no syringes here okay i'm diabetic

Diabetic. I'm diabetic. I need it.

Oh, okay. Yeah, honey.

Oh, honey, baby. Oh, yeah.

Oh, God. Yeah, honey.

Right now, I feel a little weird.

Okay, I gotta go. I'm sorry.

Okay, honey.

You sound a little weird.

I'm violent.

Because you're calling.

Yeah, I just think you got me in a weird time.

I gotta go.

Oh, fuck.

Are you having sex right now?

Are you masturbating?

Yeah, I'm feeling weird.

I was just getting ready to cum or something.

What the hell was that?

Shit.

I don't know what these feelings are.

dildos on overdrive she hooked it up to a car battery did you hear that uh call that uh we

made to the guam mcdonald's educated the woman on sex sexual education maybe she's one of those

women has never had a real orgasm but she's probably having one she's sick i've been trying

for 30 years hello hello hello hey we're we're nice guys are you speak for yourself asshole

are you we want to come over and court you are you one of those 40 year broads has never

ever had a real orgasm is that it oh fine just don't say anything bye bitch all right so fucking

boring oh man anyway did you hear the call that excuse i made guam mcdonald's where uh i told

them i used that bit where the toilet paper is too thin yeah yeah you said that to me yeah it

was good yeah and then um yeah she didn't know what ejaculation meant so i had educated her on

you're like the man does this whenever blah blah blah she's like okay and she goes i'm sorry

but yeah normally you use uh more paper you fold the napkin in half

you said your finger stuck in your ass and you're on the floor

that's actually aaron's idea he he came up with that on one of his shows oh well he likes

yeah he likes anus anal angus and all that yeah he told me he likes anal cream pie and all that

By the way, I got a message from him not long ago,

and he said that they'll be coming back soon.

Yeah, they'll be coming on the back.

No, I'm going to be leaving soon because I want to eat,

and I have chicken waiting for me, motherfucker.

Yeah.

Yeah, my wife came home with some fried chicken tonight.

It was good.

Oh, yeah.

All right, cool.

Filipino fried chicken?

No, no, it was American fried chicken.

Oh, Kentucky.

Filipino fried chicken sucks.

There's actually a Filipino fast food restaurant right near where we live,

Their trade is chicken joy

And it's the fucking worst fried chicken

I've ever had in my life

Well it comes from a dumpster so what do you expect

It's a pag pag pag

Yeah pag pag chicken

You got any UK numbers before you go

Yes I do I've been saving them for you

We'll knock those out

I don't want to stand in the way of your chicken

Because that's good

But I've been missing these UK numbers

Yeah they're here

I got them

I got another request a prank here

this one two big piles dumped on the side of the building

they are now throwing dirt on the building for some reason

I guess some apartment where they're piling dirt

and throwing it on the building for some reason

it's a place where sex offenders and everyone else lives illegally

this is in England

it sounds like an old apartment I used to live at

it says it's in Jamestown Alabama Afghanistan

so I have no idea where this is

thank you i used to live in an apartment that they section eight you know that it's yeah yeah

yeah the section eight lady that lived two doors down from me and one day she fucking she started

lighting fires along the side of the apartment building and i come home for lunch and there's

like fire trucks and shit there were they in drums oil drums or something or just no she she

had like this old boot that she set on against the side of the house and set it on fire and so

So the fire truck came, and they put it out, and a cop showed up.

And when they started putting the boot out, she went apeshit and said that that's her fire.

They don't have any right to put it out.

And the cop was restraining her, and she hit the cop.

Oh, boy.

Oh, he threw her down on the ground and said, you did not fucking hit a cop, you bitch.

Wow, yeah, she learned quick.

He cuffed her, took her away, and we never saw her again.

So you can't just, like, I don't know.

Like, I remember my parents, they used to, like, burn, like, yard trash all the time.

you can't get away with that shit anywhere anymore

like you start to try if you have like property

and you try to burn a little bit of yard

trash you'll get the cops and the fucking

helicopters will show up now I bet

back when I was a kid like

my mom all the time was like alright get all that yard

trash I'm gonna burn it you know I was like

we're not gonna throw it away fucking burn it

you know it was fun dance around the

fire a little bit you know I would I was a little kid

my little boy

no underwear on

I was like yeah fire fire

I'm going to flap my pee-pee.

What's this?

It's real satanic.

This is that place.

The piles of dirt on the apartments.

Reach the phone away.

The bullshit.

I'm trying again.

He couldn't do his message correctly.

He reached the phone.

That's fucking awesome.

Hello?

Hey, what happened last time I called?

You didn't answer.

Where were you?

Who is this?

This is Eddie.

You got these two big piles of dirt dumped on the side of the building and the lawn,

and now you're throwing it on the building?

Why?

Why? What's going on? What's this about?

Who is this?

This is Eddie. I go by your area all the time.

The first thing, you had these big piles of dirt next to the buildings,

and now you're throwing it on top of the building.

What happened in there? You got nuclear fire?

Who is this? Eddie who?

Are they growing drugs in there? This is Eddie Billman.

Eddie who?

Billman.

Eddie Gilman.

Yeah.

What are you calling me for at this late at night?

Because the police gave me this information and said they couldn't do anything,

but that i could call information and if they had they knew who was in charge of the apartments

that i could investigate and call them back if there was something going on well if you don't

stop harassing me i'm going to file a complaint against you this is public information you're in

charge of the apartments what are you going to file harassment for stupid asshole i'm asking

you a question what's the dirt on top of the building for are you people doing drugs in there

none of your fucking business i command you to give me the information i'm none of your

You're fucked in business, bitch.

Asshole.

Hey, man.

I'm his attorney.

Bring it.

This isn't harassment.

Bring it, buddy.

Bring it.

Hey, fuck off, man.

Don't you dare hang up on us.

Go suck your mama.

I'm the muscle motherfucker.

I'll come over there and shove a John Holmes dildo up your boobers.

You're a bitch, man.

We're offended by this fucking girl that's by the building.

It's an eyesore.

Tell us what's going on.

It's a blight on our community.

We want you to remove it immediately.

Why are you trying to deceive us?

Are you trying to deceive thermal cameras?

We're going to file such a lawsuit on you, you're going to be fucking buried.

It smells like shit.

Well, bring it.

Bring it.

We're going to bring paper.

Mom, bring it, little girl.

That's what's up.

Your mama.

Bring it, little girl.

I'm going to bring your sister over there and show her a good time on top of that dirt mound.

We're going to have a fight.

And you know what?

I'm going to call the cops right now and give them this number.

We'll give them your number.

And they said you were not wanting to cooperate.

You gave them my number, they got my number.

Putting dirt on your building is illegal.

Yeah, you're trying to get around thermal imaging cameras.

That's why you're doing it, right?

Are you trying to conceal your meth laboratory?

You have a lot of lights growing in here, a lot of fans blowing for no reason.

Are you building sex toys with illegal sweatshop kids in there?

You want to tell me why your power bill has gone up so much in the last few months?

Just keep talking here a little bit.

I pulled that information.

I found out your power bill has gone up a little bit.

What are you recording?

Do we sound good?

No, yeah, I'm actually talking to the police officer right now.

What's his name?

I'm giving him your number, and he's going to be listening to you here.

Yeah, it's real quick.

Hang on.

What's his name?

Can you put him on the line, please?

Yeah.

Sure.

Let's talk to him.

I sure will.

I probably know him.

Hey, we're still waiting.

You got it.

That's right, baby.

Yeah, I know this is a prank call, and I'm going to have to call the police

because that was unacceptable, what you did, and I didn't appreciate it.

That's not nice of you doing this to my mom.

Don't ever call again. Bye.

God, I'm getting a, I got an obscene phone call here right now.

I'm Larry Hoff.

They're calling me about my apartment building, 12 o'clock at night.

And?

My address is 402 8th Avenue Southeast.

And that has to do with?

We haven't seen anything obscene.

Yeah, we haven't.

and we asked why they're throwing dirt on the building,

and is it because you're trying to conceal from thermal imaging?

Right now I'm at 9524581.

I got these guys on the other line right here right now,

and they called me at midnight about dirt on my building.

That you're concealing something inside.

See if I can keep these guys on the line.

Thanks, bud.

Hang on.

We got an officer coming over.

Oh, sweet.

Yeah, we're going to get to the bottom of this.

You probably know him.

Great.

That's great.

You just hang on.

Okay, yeah, we'll hang on.

How are you doing tonight?

While you do that, we're going to call some more people, okay?

Feel free to hang on.

All right, yeah, we'll be there.

We're going to call...

Mr. Stossel is going to call Frederick Bird.

Frederick Bird.

What's your name, sir?

My name is Randolph Katamatsky.

Amanda?

Randolph.

Would you like to talk to Frederick?

Hello?

Hello, Frederick.

Yes.

Yes, my name is David Stossel.

Would you like to talk to Randolph, please?

He's quite angry.

Who?

Randolph.

I can't understand you.

Would you like to speak with my friend Randolph, please?

He's an American, and he's quite angry.

He has grievances.

What's in what you're talking about?

I'm talking about grievances.

I have a grievance against you.

He's got a grievance against me?

Yes.

Well, what's that all about, then?

Yeah, I was drinking beer at a pub, and you called me a pillock.

And I take great offense to that.

No.

I want an apology right now.

I'll give you an apology, but it definitely wasn't me.

I'm not that sore about it.

I don't swear or anything.

Bring it.

You looked at my bird.

I've got a nice bird.

Bring it.

And you tried to touch her breasts.

And then I called you out on it.

I'm an American expatriate.

My name is David Snoswell.

I've never heard of you.

Well, my name is, you have now.

This is David Snoswell.

I'm an American expatriate, and I live in your village, and I was drinking at the pub,

and you made a pass at my woman.

I demand an apology.

A children's bar pub?

Immediately.

Yes.

I don't even drink or smoke.

You were drinking that night.

You were quite, you were having quite the piss time.

No, no, no.

I'm not having that.

Hey, why are you saying that?

I don't want to be a facetious, because I'm not that sort of bloke, but I'm being accused.

So if I'm being accused here of something that I'm not guilty of,

I wouldn't do anything like that.

Why are you speaking to a load of cobblers to me?

Where's this pub you're talking about, then?

It's the Mayor's Milk.

Where?

It's right around the corner.

Beresford?

Yes.

Well, I'm not involved with that.

I haven't been in since the day that we moved down here in 1997.

I haven't been in there since then.

You haven't been in the mare's milk since 1997?

No, I don't even drink or smoke.

Well, you were not.

I keep, I keep, I keep.

You were drinking like a fucking fish that night.

No, I'm not.

You're not a chimney.

No, it's not me.

You're mixed up.

Honestly, you are.

I'm not mixed up.

Your name is Frederick, right?

My name is Frederick.

I agree with that.

My name is Bert, but I've never been in there since we moved down here in 1997.

My wife and I.

Your name is Frederick Bird, is that correct?

He's correct, yes.

Yeah.

Well, someone's obviously got a grudge against me

and you're using my name.

Well, he said, hey, my name is Frederick Bird

and I'm going to take your woman

and there's nothing you can do about it.

And I was very offended.

Well, so would I be.

I'm an American

and this is the thanks that I get

for what my grandfather did for your country in World War II.

I appreciate that.

I spent time in Germany.

Yeah, my grandfather was here in London during the Battle of Britain.

How would you say this Fred Berg is?

That was your RAF against the Luftwaffe.

And then this is the thanks that we get.

This is outrageous.

Yeah, the very fact of the thing is,

and I don't want to hear about that anymore,

more but you saw this frederick bird did you yes and how old do you reckon he is mr frederick bird

you try to touch my my woman's breasts oh no no no no no i've been happily married right up until

19 uh until 22 and i lost my wife and why won't you listen to me you lost your boyfriend you

You came out, you lost your boyfriend.

What did you lose?

How old did you think that this Mr. Frederick Burr was?

You're about 67 years of age.

Is that correct?

No, you're 20 years away.

Oh, you're 87.

You're my age.

Yes.

No, I'm 67.

You're around 85.

Yeah, you're about 85 years of age.

No, you've never seen me.

I'm going to put my foot down here because I don't like being prestigious with anyone,

remember i've never heard of this well you are being facetious with me no i'm not and i'm going

to put the phone down please do not tell the put the phone down i need an apology we need to make

this i just told you i will apologize but it's not me just doing it i want to apologize because

i've got to go out early this morning you came up and you said hello my name is frederick bird

heard how much for your woman maybe you offered me 25 quid for how sure do you think i am in heart

you said that i want to have a shag with your woman in the in the water closet at the pub no

no no no and then you you try to hand me 25 quid no no i said hey hey what do you think i am some

kind of a pimp when was this this was this was about three hours ago at the mayor's mill pub

Well, I heard a phone earlier this morning, and that was about quarter past, about ten past five.

Can you say again?

I've been an American expatriate for about three years, but to be perfectly honest, I'm still having a bit of a problem with the accents.

Can you say again?

No, definitely not.

I can honestly say, if that was me, I would slip down on the floor, there you are.

Well, don't do that.

I'm not going to because I'm not guilty of it.

Okay.

How about if you, to make this right, you take me to the Mayor's Milk and buy me some cottage pie and a couple of pints of, if you ever tried a beer called Old Peculiar.

No, you're on the wrong line, Ian.

I don't drink or anything like that.

I don't drink.

I don't smoke.

No, you buy me two pints of Old Peculiar.

Well, sure.

And a cottage pie, and we'll call it good.

Yeah, but why should I buy you food and keep you in drink and all that?

I'm not going to do it, and I'm going to put the phone down there.

You're going to touch my woman's tits, and then you grabbed her ass.

I don't even know you, woman.

She's a Filipino.

It's got to be someone that knows me, and then you've got something against me.

You said you've got some nice peck-peck.

Do you know what peck-peck is, my good sir?

No, I'm not listening anymore to this.

I don't like being naughty like this or vicious.

I'm not going to listen anymore.

No, you need to listen.

I've been trying to talk to you, and you keep barging in every time.

Now I'm going to put the phone down.

Goodbye.

No, don't put the phone down.

That's the last thing you want to do.

Put the phone up.

I guess he's not going to meet me at the Mayor's Milk to make it right.

Is that Mayor like the town?

Mayor, a female horse.

okay the female horse i don't know if it was that or like the mayor of the city either way it's

funny either one is funny guy that was funny that guy's uh he just wants to talk to someone you

know he doesn't act like i made his night you know he's probably a widower he's lonely that

one guy dropped off in the middle of that he got bored with it i guess he was tired of it and the

guy that has the police or jump into action jump into action about the dirt call this guy i could

couldn't believe what he was explaining to him.

He's like, yeah, they called me at midnight. I'm out

dirt on my building. I'm like, yeah, the cops

didn't just fucking hang up on you.

He's going to be lucky if he doesn't get a fucking ticket

for wasting their time. They didn't ask

him for the phone number or anything. They're just like,

all right, we're out of here.

Yeah. All point bulletin.

Comment, all cars.

Now they're having a good laugh about it in the station.

All cars, please report.

Yeah.

Peter Carter, he's in England also.

And Bognor Regis.

Where the fuck that is?

I don't think that's in a good part of town.

Yeah, that guy's got to be...

If he was in the army in WWII, he's in his 80s, man.

Nah, hell yeah.

Way off, Baz.

Way off.

Come on, man.

You've got to know your history to do a good prank call.

My best.

I did my best.

You've got to know world history for doing pranks.

I put my best effort in.

You did a good job.

Well, shut up.

Damn.

Fuck yeah.

Hey.

Hello?

Hey, fuck yeah.

Is Peter there?

Do you know it's 6 o'clock in the morning?

This is man business.

Can you put them on, please?

Would you please ring off?

It is 6 o'clock in the morning.

The television is on.

You weren't sleeping.

I hear the television.

We're not going to ring off.

Ring off.

I'll ring myself off.

Did you say, did you say ring off?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I've never heard that one before.

That's how you ring off.

Nuno's ring off, a British term.

We haven't heard of that.

Yeah, you carve a hole in the phone

and you just start fucking it.

It's pretty hot.

Buy my new book.

It tells you how to do it.

I got an image in my head of Brad Carter

fucking an old-style 80s phone like that.

Every time he...

Okay, never mind.

Peter Cheeseman in the same town.

Peter Cheeseman.

That's exactly how it's spelled.

Cheeseman, one word.

It's probably pronounced Cheeseman.

Probably smells like socks.

Like Milkman.

Yeah, if you shake Milkman up, you get this guy.

Let's hear him.

Or you got to age.

This is an old Milkman as the Cheeseman.

Yeah, the other way would be Butterman.

And that's me.

Call me Butterman.

Nunes has called the UK, ban people from smoking in their own house.

What?

Hello?

Hey, yes.

Is this the Cheeseman residence?

It is.

My name is Butterman.

They shook me.

They shook up the Milkman and they made me.

What?

Yeah.

Yeah, is Cheese Man there?

Is he old and smell like sweaty?

He's in bed and it's early in the morning

and you have no right to bring it.

I do have a right.

I'm a man and I have a right to speak to other men.

No, you do not have a right.

Thank you.

This is urgent.

Wake him up immediately, please.

He told us to call this time.

For the Queen.

When are we going to get a King of England?

I'm tired of a Queen.

That bitch ain't died yet.

She's probably going to live to like 150 years old

like her mom did.

You know, Charles is probably going to die before she does.

Yes, hello?

Yeah, how old was it?

I'm going to turn it over to Mr. Staswell.

Go ahead, Beth.

Yes, my name is David Staswell.

I'm calling from the Royal Service.

Please do not hang up.

This is urgent.

May we speak with Mr. Cheeseman immediately?

No, you can't speak with Mr. Cheeseman.

He's in bed asleep.

But it's urgent, and this is man business.

This is not urgent, thank you.

It can't be that urgent.

It is urgent.

How do you know?

We're from the Royal Service.

The Royal Service?

Yes.

What are they?

We are the Royal Service.

We're not at liberty to tell you what the Royal Service is.

It's for man's ears only.

Oh, go away.

No, don't hang up.

You're only digging yourself a deeper hole.

Yeah, man.

She's fucked now.

It probably would hurt to fuck a phone, like telephone, old dial phone.

I'm just saying.

Old rotary phone.

She needs to learn this.

I don't think she's going to answer this time, guys.

I'm sorry.

She's not going to answer.

That's my guess.

No answer from that little monk.

She's not going to answer it.

She's not going to wake up, Mr. Cheeseman.

Here's Mr. Jessop.

Peter Jessop.

I saw Milkman reboot his Skype, I think.

Let me try to get him back here.

Milkman.

Let's see if I can get him back first.

Hang on.

It's almost time.

I need chicken energy.

You know, I've got to get some food energy in me, some chickens.

That protein.

I'm going to eat a whole chicken.

Fuck yeah.

Fuck yeah, man.

I remember that prank you made.

Remember when he called that ghetto in, was it Philadelphia?

or something, he did a whole

ghetto show where he called a bunch of ghetto

members, and he called this

chicken place, and he told a chick

that he wanted some black chick, he wanted

chicken tits.

She goes, we don't sell chicken

tits here. Chicken breast.

She said that, she goes,

we don't sell chicken tits.

We don't sell no chicken tits.

I forgot that.

That was hilarious. That was funny.

I'm sure it's out there somewhere. Yeah, it is.

That was a really good show

Thank you

I listened to it about a week ago

Anyway, waiting for this to connect here

Peter Jessop

That one show where you did

When you were climbing off the top of the elevator

Had me fucking dying

That's their message on a very bad connection

I'll try it again

I'm sorry we're not able to take your call

Hey boy, how are you?

Is that Peter?

Peter, how are you?

I'm fine

Yeah, it's good. I just want to let you know that there is a ban on indoor smoking.

You can't smoke inside your house anymore.

We were flying by with a thermal imaging camera, and we saw that you were smoking inside the house.

No.

Who the hell are you?

This is Eddie. I'm with the Royal Smoking Service.

I don't know where you're ringing from, Eddie, but you're talking gibberish.

You're smoking cigarettes, tobacco products, inside your house.

There's no smoking inside buildings?

There's not any smoking inside buildings, guys.

Oh.

You don't do that.

that call him back i think that we need to give him a commendation because he doesn't smoke give

him a demerit for not smoking no no and that the uh the prince will be visiting his house to award

him the commendation hello mr who am i speaking with who am i speaking to peter jess yes my name

is uh mr snozzwell i'm with the royal smoking service david snozzwell i'm with the royal

service. What royal service?

The Royal Smoking Service.

And we just want to inform

you that you are going to be receiving

a commendation because

you do not smoke in your house, which is now

currently illegal in the United

Kingdom. So, congratulations

my good sir. You will be receiving

a commendation. Do you realize what time it is

over here? Well, I don't know what time

it is over here. We're contracting.

I would suggest that you think about it before you wake

people up. But you're going to get a commendation.

You should be happy.

Yay!

You're to be commended.

I threw in a yay there for you to try to help you out.

Oh, he hung up.

Sorry, man.

Sorry to break in on that.

Sorry to break the news to you also.

That's okay.

Sorry to break the news, but I'm leaving.

I'm going to go eat my chicken.

Hey, dude, it was good to have an evening show.

Yeah.

I've missed that.

I forgot how we did these things almost, son of a bitch.

All right.

So, you know, I'm going to be probably unemployed here in about a month, temporarily.

hopefully.

Are you still going to do your morning shows?

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

That's the only good thing about it is you can be around

and do break calls, man.

Can I call into your morning show?

Sure. You like Matt Hillock?

Matt's awesome.

He's my buddy.

We put Matt on the Friday shows with us.

It's fucking great.

He's on every show.

I know you guys.

He destroys people.

He's like, you're a fucking moron.

And this fucking starts tearing him down.

yeah and uh thank you to dirty aaron for asking me on text message on my phone if i'm gargling

semen thank you that's why i'm ending the show and yes and it was gargling semen we can vouch

for that and the dirty aaron show is never coming back to madhouse it is canceled so

shove it up your ass go buy your own shoutcast and everything dirty aaron's out of here on his

ass yay or i see i'm kidding see you guys see you bad see you cam bye all right dude it was fun

Thanks, man.

Yeah, well, you know.

Let me call Big Milkman again here.

See if Big Milkman can at least get us out of here.

Well, I want to thank all of you.

While we're trying to connect Milkman, just in case he doesn't work when he connects here,

I want to thank all of you for tuning in to Madhouse Radio Machine tonight.

It's been good to have an evening show again.

It seems like it's been so long, just like Bass said.

I don't think I'm going to do any more shows this week,

but there are plenty of shows to listen to over the weekend starting tomorrow night, I'm sure.

I know there's a few people out there that are thinking about starting shows on the Madhouse station.

I think Big Liz is one of them.

Spray is thinking.

He does a pretty good job on his Mixler channel.

And he's thinking about maybe doing a show on the Showcast here.

He's supposed to get back to me.

Anyway, if you're doing your own thing and you want to maybe take a crack at doing a show on Madhouse,

just get with me.

And, you know, if you seem like you got the juice, you're pretty good with the prank calls.

and you got your technical side of things

handled then we can do that

that might work

well Milkman isn't answering I'm done

thanks to Blue Planet Prank Radio

to

the PLA station

Brad for having us on there Ted for having us

on the former and

everyone who tuned in tonight

madhouselife.com is the website

I suppose I will be back next week at some point

so next thing to do is

keep an eye on Facebook and Twitter

because of a show starting live

It's going to be announced there no matter what.

I guess usually I do Tuesday morning shows around 11 a.m. Eastern,

and then there's the Thursday night show at 10 p.m. Eastern if I'm available for it.

Okay, well, I'll see you guys later, as I said a thousand times.

Goodbye. Good night.

Calls (41, 1 h 34 min of 2 h 54 min)

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