No Knives Please

I'm not playing no fucking games, dude.

I, I fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making a stupid comment.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

You're not perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

You there?

Yeah.

It's clear.

I got your number, okay?

Okay, go to work.

Go to China, stupid monkey.

Okay, you're the monkey, bye.

You're the monkey, bitch.

Bye.

hi hi guys highlights how appropriate of a song because i'm saying hi wow i didn't plan that i

did not plan that good afternoon uh early evening to you i'm carlito today is what day is it is it

veterans day or labor day it's one of those days oh man this is so disrespectful of me i think it's

It's Veterans Day, I don't know.

I'm pretty sure it is, right?

Is that the day that I head off today?

If so, then happy Veterans Day to all our veteran listeners

and all our family members who are veterans.

Happy Veterans Day to UK Ted and Turd Burglar

and Milkman is a veteran of Korean War.

So, yep, we got that.

No plan here.

I just looked up a city on the West Coast in California.

that i thought would be fun call and have pranking with so that is my plan that's all i got if you

have a thought or an idea with like a better you know a better plan or a prank that i can do

use the request to prank over at madhouse live.com that should take care of that right right or send

it to me in the chat room i'm currently in there as carlitus carlitus guys all right uh nunu also

sent me a number he's around yay clap clap a supermarket that banned some old lady for

describing someone as colored gentleman this was in the uk how does she end up getting banned from

the supermarket is that what she said like that colored gentleman colored gentleman over there

and it was the manager in that case and fuck yeah that's not right to say a colored person

who does she think she is let me just set my microphone correctly because i forgot to set

up my device i think that's the right one hang on maybe not shit damn it no i had the right one

the whole time i think let me see yeah i did wow i actually had done it right son of a bitch

Okay, so let's call that on behalf of Nunu.

Let me save the settings here.

And I should have credit.

Yep, I do.

Thanks for calling Sainsbury's.

Please choose from these four options.

For our opening times and address, press 1.

For information about recruitment, press 2.

For neck-to-contact details, press 3.

Or to speak to us, press 4.

Oh, this is the supermarket, not the lady.

Oh, shit.

Shit, damn it.

Come on, Nunu.

Hello, this is Scott speaking.

Yes, hi.

Is this that n***a gentleman?

Hello?

Is this the n***a manager who was there just a moment ago?

Who's this?

I don't know.

I only saw one of you.

Okay.

I only saw one of you people there.

I think it was just one of you people.

All right.

Why are you off though?

Oh, because you were very untoward towards me, and I asked you a question, and you walked

away like I didn't ask you.

Like you pretended like you didn't hear me.

What question was that?

It was where the Goya beans are.

I needed Goya beans.

Hello?

Yeah, hang up, stupid.

I called him through because the thing was, you know, about someone said colored person.

So I classed it up a little bit.

Yes, Dennis Gibsons, you can send in your message on your legacy internet messenger account.

Yes, I do still support legacy messaging.

uh but we do not know the screen names and it's just too much to handle there's so much spam and

so much fucking for many fucking bots and shit this is so annoying i don't know half the time

who's a real listener and who's not who's just a robot this pisses me off and no one's really

using messaging anymore very few people you hear that do you hear that noise though that's facebook

every time there's a facebook message you hear that but doing so right in the background you

you see what i'm getting at that's what killed it oh this is our funeral for aim and msm messenger

yahoo yahoo chat yahoo chat man good times good times all right well let me get the google maps

up here that's what i was working on for the pranks i don't know which browser window it was

i'm gonna have problems today i had a bad day today bad fucking day machine okay here's a ruth

I don't know if you ever heard of that, but it's where you can get a steak for over $100.

I've been to one twice.

I got conned into going by an ex-girlfriend.

True story.

And the second time it was paid for by my boss as a Christmas present, he got me a $200 gift certificate.

Well, I take that back.

There was a raffle held at the Christmas dinner event, and I won a $200 gift certificate to Ruth Chris.

So my bill came out, after tip, my bill came out to like $40 because it was, you know, two steaks, and your sides are separate at Ruth Chris.

Dude, but the steak, though, man, you can get it where you add extra butter and onion and mushrooms.

Mushrooms.

That's the best.

It's not the best steak in Orlando, but it's up there.

And the Ruth Chris is in Central Florida really good because their headquarters is in Orlando.

So they have to step it up a notch because the big wigs are close by.

They're not open for lunch.

If you are calling to set up your Granite voicemail box for the first time, please press...

The fuck is that?

The fuck does that mean?

The fuck is a fucking Granite voicemail fucking shit?

fuck is that obviously a fucked up number either that or they've never set up their voicemail

because then i think ruth chris says i know i'm 90 certain they don't open for lunch

and early well by now usually you should be able to call and make reservations they're usually

there prepping and shit by now motherfucker so maybe it's a backline number motherfucker

let's look up ruth chris in this area sure they have a website and i never quite know what the

The dress code is there.

They say smart casual, but I'm like, all right, casuals jeans.

So I went online just to make sure, like, what can I wear?

I was like, I'm going to wear like a polo shirt and a pair of jeans and maybe a jacket over there.

You know, look stylish, you know, maybe with sneakers, you know, be like a nice urban young look.

But I couldn't get a straight answer online about can you wear jeans?

Can you not?

Do you need a tie?

Do you not?

I'm like, fuck.

Thank you for calling.

Chris Bacow.

Hey, listen, I called and there was some granite voicemail stupid thing that came up.

When I called from Siri, it says, set up your granite voicemail.

What is that about?

What is that?

May I help you, sir?

Yeah, I was calling to make a reservation.

I need two spaces.

What's the date that you have in mind?

For today or tomorrow, preferably today.

Sure, and the time you'd like to join us?

Evening, evening, later in the evening.

Whatever you have available, honey baby.

Um, just go ahead and let me know what the time that you have in mind, and I'll go ahead and check our reservation book.

Oh, Jesus. Fine. Seven. God. You can't think out of the box.

Well, I need a specific time, sir.

All right. Seven-twenty-eight.

May I take the last name of the party?

Cross.

Can you spell that for me, please?

C-R-O-S-S.

Can I have your first name, please, Mr. Cross?

No, just Cross. Cross. Just Cross. That's all you need.

And is there a contact phone number for you?

you uh yeah it's from out of town is that okay all right uh okay and will you be celebrating a

special occasion this evening mr cross uh i'm gonna give her some crazy news about me and her

sister so yeah i'll go ahead and note down that it's a special occasion put down that it's a

a private special occasion okay i will definitely do that mr cross now also what because of the

sensitivity of the situation i can't have knives served at all with the meal and they cannot be on

the table okay so you would like us to clear the knife from the table yeah because she might get

very mad and just to be sure i think you know not to have that kind of thing there because she can

can get a little crazy sometimes when she gets upset okay i'll go ahead and make sure that we

have no knives on your table okay no coffee service because she could throw that at me

and it could be very hot so no coffee service either at the end don't even please don't even

offer it okay i will make sure we don't offer any coffee as well okay all right now is it the

The white staff, are they white Anglo-Saxon or what exactly?

Can you hold one second, please?

Sure, honey.

Time to hold, bro.

Hi, this is the manager.

How can I help you?

Hey, honey, how are you?

No, I'm not the honey.

I'm the manager.

Oh, hey, sir.

How are you?

Good to talk to you.

What are you trying to do here?

I'm trying to make a reservation, but there's a sensitivity of the special occasion.

I want to make sure, because my wife can get really upset when she hears bad news,

and I have to give her some bad news about a relationship I've had with another woman.

Well, then I don't suggest you come here and have dinner.

No, I really, she, this is her favorite place.

This is her favorite place.

And meat, red meat especially, really calms her down usually after consuming it,

and so I thought I would bring her to.

Well, I don't suggest you do that in a public place.

I can't do it in private.

I can't.

It's not safe at all to do this in private.

Okay, well, we are unable to help you with your request here.

You can't grant my request at all?

I mean, I don't understand.

Please, listen.

No, that's why I'm telling you that we can't.

I'm emotionally compromised, and I'm making a personal plea.

Please help me.

Please.

No, there's nothing I can do to help you.

Can you recommend, you know, another public venue, perhaps?

Morton.

Morton's?

What is Morton's?

I don't know.

Look it up in the yellow page.

Morton's Steakhouse?

Is that what it's called?

Okay.

All right, I'll look it up.

All right.

Thank you.

All right, yeah.

Yeah, they did tell her to remove the knives.

The coffee.

No coffee.

She could throw hot coffee at me.

I should have said no hot soup.

But you get that at the beginning, the hot soup.

so if i waited towards the end as it sounded because i wanted to get her meat drunk also you

know you should have said no alcohol please because she gets violent when she's drunk you

gotta love relationships like that man anyway we are on mixler i've created a mixler experience

on madhouse now if you have any feedback for the way how that's been implemented over at the website

for the show for the network rather for the madhouse network i'd appreciate it let me know

if you think you should autoplay if it shouldn't if it works for you if not i think we're all a

lot of us are trying to move away from shotcast but the problem is you can't really broadcast

24 7 on mixer i think dialer told me you have to get a premium account but even in premium account

like when i saw the options or the upgrade options that didn't show up as well i have to get with

dialer see what he meant exactly i don't know if like it's like an auto dj and in which i would

just upload the content and would take care of it and that would be that would probably be fine also

i'd like to see how much control i have over the rotation because there is a schedule believe it

or not to the content on the shoutcast station i don't know if any of you've ever caught it

but you get a madhouse show at 6 o'clock and 12 o'clock every hour or every time so 6 a.m 6 p.m

12 a.m and 12 p.m it should be a madhouse show in between that it should just be a prank call

and then dialer has an hour on average special segment every day at 11 o'clock in the morning

which is designed for dialer to be able to get on after that at his normal time in 12 and he kind of

has an intro built up that's why i did that for him but dialer is not able to manage getting

shoutcast to work and that sucks because dialer has does a really good job um he has a really

good show but he just keeps getting kicked off and we figure it's just a connectivity issue

shoutcast i guess is very sensitive to upstream and that's true because i've seen it go down on

me before if i was running a lot of stuff you know if you're running torrents and stuff like

that you'll start it really starts fucking up so uh he's on a mobile connection and he doesn't

have that much to spare however mixler works great it's a it's it's not that intensive so i

don't know maybe we could just leave shoutcast all together if i can go 24 7 with it there's

There's not a lot of people on Mixer right now.

I don't think crowd-wise it's good.

Hopefully it can start picking up some more steam in the mainstream.

I think it's getting ready to do that.

It looks like that.

It looks like Stitcher and other stuff like that

that started off small and picked up steam.

Pandora, that's another one.

It didn't really start off that big, but now it's everywhere.

A lot of people on the mainstream, derp, derp.

I'm missing chromosomes, people.

Fluoride heads.

The fluoride heads.

I've been listening to a lot of Alex Jones.

Okay, moving right along.

The fluoride heads.

That's a good insult.

You fluoride head.

MPSA Cobra saying make sure they salute me.

Okay, whatever you say.

Thank you.

Dennis asking Lito, do you have Xbox 360?

The answer is no.

No, I have PS3 machine and I plan on getting PS4 machine.

That's just what I'm planning.

Okay, maybe Xbox also, but I'm not that much of a gamer, you know?

I'm not that much of a gamer, so I can't support financially investing

into the next generation consoles just to see I can go from one to the other

because to me, I'll be honest with you, it all looks the same to me.

The shit on PS3 looks just the same as it does on Xbox 360.

I think the colors are a little more vibrant on the Xbox 360

on some comparisons I've seen side-by-side online,

but not really.

It's still workable.

Eh, blah, blah, blah.

iScoo sending a number for San Diego Christian College machine,

which is open on Veterans Day.

Here we go.

Good afternoon, San Diego Christian College.

How may I help you?

Hey, it took you a while to answer, huh?

I was on another line with somebody.

Oh, what happened?

Nothing.

They were wanting to know when the pastor would be preaching so that they could come and visit the church.

Oh, when's the pastor going to be preaching?

He's here every Sunday in November on the schedule right now.

Oh, yeah?

And then who is, like, in December, or who does he share duties with?

I don't have a December schedule yet.

I only have November scheduled, so right now it does show Dr. David Jeremiah preaching every Sunday,

except for Sunday evening on the 24th, it will be a concert at 6 p.m.

It's going to be the Signature Sound Christmas Concert.

Okay, well, I'm Reverend John Snakewater, and I was hoping to come and be able to maybe do service,

break bread with you around the holidays and whatnot, and go there and, you know, give my service,

service or just be with you guys and do a shared service you know and we can um preach together and

walk you know welcome in the baby jesus together and the alien you're asking you're wanting to go

to the pastor's office well i was this is the switchboard i i need to so you're wanting to

speak to the pastor to see if you can come in and we're gonna do mutual services all through

through, you know, the baby Jesus' birth, through Advent, you know.

We'll all celebrate together, and, you know, I'll bring my congregation.

We are in a bunch of RVs.

We travel the country.

So we'll park there, and you park a lot, you know?

Oh, we can't.

We don't allow that.

This is also a school, so we have kids here,

so we don't have any parking in the parking space.

Well, we ain't vagrants.

We're also the San Diego Christian College, we're also the Christian Unified Schools of San Diego, and also the Southern California Seminary, so you can't have anybody overnight on the property.

We ain't vagrants or nothing, we just travel giving the world the Lord's Prayer.

No, no, for the kids' safety, because of the Unified Schools, we don't have anybody in the parking lot.

Bullshit!

We have school dorms here.

Bullshit!

Pardon me?

bullshit i beg your pardon i said bullshit s-h-i-t shit all right call terminated according

to the skype machine bullshit holy shit i escalated that quick because i was starting to get bored

father john snake water he's traveling gypsy fucking congregations is gonna put up shop in

the parking lot there you go ice goose i hope you heard that that's for you buddy palindrome

offering ghetto girls numbers okay yeah send ghetto girls number that's fine why not all right

moving right along here already called the supermarket and already said negro new news

so we're not going to call that again that was your racist idea and i did it uh here's marijuana

Juana, remember, we did a show recently where we called a Best Buy, where apparently the

manager, store manager, was out on maternity leave.

She was getting ready to have a baby, and I called saying that I was friends of a group

of employees.

We all hung out together, and then we called her doctor and impersonated her husband and

asked for information about how she was doing, and they said that it was going to be a stupid

baby, they said.

i don't know if you guys remember this i think the name the title of that episode is called stupid

baby fund that because as a matter of fact that's what it is so just look that up over in the mad

house prank cast section the show archive but i think it was super stupid baby fun because i

wanted to start a stupid baby fun for the baby who was going to be stupid he tested for stupid

god damn it thank you for calling best buy in encinitas ranch town center if you're calling

thank you for calling best friend and sanita this is marissa how can i help you hey big girl how

you doing good good how are you how can i help you i'm good that was big well what's your name

big bonita no marissa oh marissa all right hey kelly hasn't come back yet right um she is back

but she's off today she's off on sundays and mondays so we called her doctor i'm i'm friends

of a group of employees there we you know roommate together we hang out together you know we will

Anyway, so I called Kelly's doctor and I impersonated her husband just to find out how things were.

And we found out that she had a stupid baby.

Excuse me?

They told us that she had a stupid baby, they said.

Okay, I'm not sure if you're calling for any kind of purpose, but is there anything I can help you with besides talking about my general manager?

Well, we wanted to set up a fund, a stupid baby fund to help her out, you know?

Okay, I'm not sure if this is a joke or anything,

but I can't take this call seriously by what you're saying.

I was going to decorate a cup, you know, and say,

hey, stupid baby fun, and keep it anonymous, you know?

Okay, is there anything else I can help you with, sir?

I was just seeing if you'd be interested in me putting up a cup for stupid baby fun there.

No, I don't want to participate in that.

Thank you so much, and if there's anything else I can help you with,

I would love to help you, but with what you're saying, I'm sorry, I can't help you.

Oh, honey baby, bye.

Great.

Stupid Baby Fun Part 2, that was. Calling about the Stupid Baby Fun still.

Yeah. Horrible prank call. I could have a stupid baby one day.

No. Jesus Christ. Horrible.

Okay. Thank you, Marijuana. Thank you, Marijuana, for sending that number.

And, again, thank you.

Nunu sending the numbers on aim. Okay.

The numbers are on aim.

okay we got some pizza places over in london and glasgow england or is it glasgow scotland i don't

know we also have angry old people who live in cornwall and some islamic tv terrorist news station

in the uk thank you for that oh we'll call the papa john's in glasgow glasgow

hello i'm calling from the corporate office in minnesota i'm calling from the corporate office

in minnesota yeah is this the manager or store owner i'm speaking with yeah yeah i can get them

for you okay thank you every second i'll put you on hold every second thank you hello hello

this is ben stern i'm with the corporate office in minnesota how are you sir yeah very very good

very good um listen we have a few concerns over a report of very rude service there

all right the lady said she came in and the man at the counter said that he wanted to see

her sexual organs with pizza all over them she said he said she said that he said that he wanted

He wanted to put pizza parts all over her sexual organs, he said,

and lick them off and eat all the cheese off, he said.

Right.

Now, what was your name?

Sorry, what's your name?

This is Eddie.

Eddie, okay.

Eddie, Eddie, shut up.

Eddie Loyola.

I'm with the corporate office.

Papa John's corporate machine, motherfucker.

Uh-huh.

Yep.

So you're calling from the corporate office of Papa John's, yeah?

Yep.

Can't you tell from my voice?

I am an American machine.

Right, okay.

And how can I help?

All right, there was a complaint.

The man talked about the woman's sexual organs.

That is the problem.

Right, which one of the Papajons are you phoning from?

From the main corporate office machine in Minnesota, United States.

Right, and who is it you work for?

John Cervante.

John Cervante, I've not heard of him.

Okay.

And what was the name that you mentioned earlier on?

I also work with Dr. Lopez.

right okay my name is eddie loyola i also work with renee sweetwater and john snakewater right

okay and what would you like me to do well we wanted to get the uh social identification number

for this person right and did you know who it was that you were speaking to at the store

where or who what where they were talking to at the store who he was no well we wanted to find out

who was at the at the front counter there tonight uh do you know what time they called him he was

a colored person right uh do you know roughly what time it was i believe 10 p.m local perhaps

perhaps i don't know if that's english american time or your local time okay and it definitely

there was one of the members of staff that actually spoke to the customer that's he she

she said that he said i want to put pizza all over those sexual organs and he's he like flicked

his tongue like a lizard right okay and then he said i'm imagining you sit in that chair and

there's a big slice of pizza in a triangle form covering your hair pie he said right okay i see

the telephone number you're calling from the zero zero one five four one yep nine four six three

Yep, and as for Mr. Loyola, extension 2344.

Right, okay.

And if we do find that it is a false allegation,

then it's not a problem with me passing this to the local police?

Uh, no, I would definitely do that at that point, yep.

Yeah, because we've got the telephone number.

Oh, wow, you've got the phone number.

Yeah, good.

Right.

I'm glad that made it over to you over there.

Yeah.

Okay, so what would you like me to do with this member of staff?

Well, I need the call bag and I need the social identification number

and then we'll continue from there.

Right, okay.

We need his papers and his social identification number.

Yeah, see, we don't actually have any papers.

But what papers do you need?

His documents, his private papers and private documents.

His employment details?

uh yeah then we need him to give copies of all his private documents and papers

right i want to see his computer machine and his telephone machine right okay and uh you're

you're definitely calling from my corporate head office yeah absolutely 100 corporate machine yes

okay okay what email address would you like me to send them to uh send that to corporate office

Office at N-O-T-L-A dot com.

N-O-T-L-A dot com.

Okay, and when do you need these documents by?

As soon as you can get them.

As soon as you can.

And I'll talk to the union head, and then we'll come in.

We're going to brief them and stuff.

Because we need to try to make this fly under the radar, you know?

Before they have to take a blood sample, see if he's got madness disease.

You know?

If he's got shit for brains, they'll take a look, see if he's got shit for brains also.

Yeah.

We have a test that's called, they say, hey, you shit for brains, like that.

And they find out, if he's a shit for brains, then we can, you know, get him off on that.

Say, look, your honor, he's a shit for brains.

And here's the paper, it's that level, and it goes down the different levels, and he's the shit for brains, you know.

Hmm.

Yeah.

No problem, I'll get those detailed emails over to you

Delicious, thank you

Okay, no problem

Stupid

He's not going to get those documents

He's all coy, he's like, I'm going to talk to the police

After

Do it, bitch

This can't save your ass

Alright, look

I have to play a prank call, I have to get something to drink

And I have to do a quick prep work

On dinner

I'm going to be making a dinner here tonight

night of steaks i guess that's that's why i called ruth chris because i got steak machines i'm excited

about steaks tonight everybody okay all right let me see a prank call here and see that i can find

one that i haven't really called midget market i don't know what that is reclude the perfect night

i'm feeling a reclude call oh yeah reclude call here we go reclude call reclude call this one's

called the perfect night never mind didn't load queen's bullshit hey everybody i'm carlito where

we've made some calls so far today that have been all right i've already talked to a church

where i said bullshit i remember that one well i said i do i had a stupid one of the pizza place

it was so stupid so stupid a juvenile i was like oh there was a complaint um i tried to turn it

around a little bit but that was the best i could do um ghetto girls numbers here we go

apparently you are trying to call is not reachable pps 6180 yay thank you for sending a bullshit

number yeah your number is bullshit palindrome bullshit number sit back to california where we

Where you already talked to Ruth, Chris.

Oh, that was another prank that I've done, huh?

We gotta find another place near there.

He said Morton's.

Can he say Morton's?

The fuck is Morton's?

Morton's Steak, isn't it like one of those a la carte shits?

Let me look for Morton's in this town.

God damn it.

The Morton's Steakhouse.

Son of a bitch.

Look, it's in town.

He was talking shit on the guy right out of the way.

Call him.

Come on.

There you go.

Good afternoon.

They were calling Morton's and asking how may I assist you.

Hey, honey.

Honey, how are you doing, Big Samantha?

I wanted to make reservations for me and my wife.

It's a special event, and I just got to make reservations either for tonight or tomorrow night.

Okay, what time would you like reservations for?

We got something around 7 p.m.

For how many guests?

Me and my wife.

Okay.

Can I get you to spell the last name for me, please?

Cross, C-R-O-S-S.

That's all you need is cross.

That's it.

Just cross.

I'm sorry?

That's it.

just cross cross that's the name okay and the first name that's you just need cross just cross

mr cross sure okay can i get a number you can be reached out area cut first uh it's not local

so let you know we're not from here sorry i can't i can't hear you okay is it for any special

occasion birthday that's part of what we got to talk about um it's a special occasion in that i

I have to give her some bad news about me and a really good friend of hers

and a relationship that I had outside of my marriage with a really good girlfriend of hers.

So I need to make sure that there's no knives at all during the dinner service

and even on the table, like, clear off any knives because she can get upset sometimes.

Okay, and would you like an email confirmation for your reservation?

No, no, that's fine.

Can you accommodate that, the knife policy?

Sure, if you would like us to remove the knives, I will go ahead and make a note.

Okay, now also, no coffee service, please don't even request it,

because she's been known to throw hot coffee and soup at me.

And also, do you have a soup there at all that you offer?

Onion soup and lobster bisque.

Can you just don't say what the soup of the day is?

You know what I mean?

Don't offer the soup.

And if she orders a soup, to kindly come back and say, I'm sorry, we're out of the soup.

Maybe you should wait to tell her after she's eaten her soup.

That's an idea.

Well, maybe towards the end, but then definitely can't.

Because I was thinking I'd get her on a steak, and she gets really kind of slow when she has a lot of red meat.

she kind of you know gets calms down a lot it's kind of a joke we have it has a different effect

on me and what i want to make sure is that i can get her nice and kind of meet coma and then tell

her as close to that as possible so it has to be there but then no coffee service please don't

even offer coffee at the end of the meal because that's what i'm going to tell her is after she's

done with the meal okay i'll go ahead and make a note okay so we got no knives uh we can get away

with the soup but if she asks for it as her entree then we need to tell her we're out of the soup

but she can have it at the beginning you know as not the part of the main entree

and the uh hot coffee no coffee service no tea service at all okay all right i'll certainly put

put that in the notes for you sir now do you have uh liquor service there a license or yes

absolutely okay she gets really violent when she's drinking um so i would like her to have

one glass of wine but kindly tell her can we tell her i'm sorry there's a limit a one drink limit

in this restaurant one drink per uh patron only so that if she asked for a second glass of wine

or a bottle we can explain to her no no we you're we're only allowed to do one drink per person

that'd be a little difficult to get away with but i will go ahead and still make the note for you

okay i appreciate it i just want to make sure that i want to do this in a public setting because

because she could get really violent sometimes.

I'm afraid, so I know if I do it in a public venue,

she will be more likely not to have that kind of episode anymore,

like the judge said.

I completely understand.

Well, you have a great day, Mr. Cross,

and we'll see you tonight at 7 o'clock for a party of two.

Thank you, honey.

You're welcome. Bye.

All right, cool.

Nice silly prank call.

all not really nothing crazy just a silly story guys a funny silly enjoyable story and i hope you

enjoyed it with me okay moving right along let's see what else we have in that area uh i could call

back the uh original steakhouse and thank them for having given me morton's they seem to be able

to accommodate me all right let's do that it was it was a manager i talked to over there right

Right, pretty sure.

Oh, yeah, but I had to find the number elsewhere, I think.

Here it is.

Okay, I got it, I got it, I got it.

Skype history, duh.

Colin Reap, Chris Steakhouse in Anaheim.

This is Scott going to help you.

Hey, Big Jeff, how you doing?

Good, how are you?

Are you the gentleman that recommended Morton's Steakhouse to me?

I did not.

I had called for reservations for a party or two,

but I had some special needs,

and he said that no one could accommodate that for me there

or anywhere else in town, he said, good luck, call Morton's.

And I just wanted to call back and say, Morton's took my reservations,

and they are going to seat us, and they're not going to have knives at the service.

They're going to limit my wife to one drink.

They're not going to offer hot coffee or soup at all as an entree.

I can tell you I'm the night manager, and I have no idea what happened.

As far as this goes, I walked in about half an hour ago.

All right, well, what happened was I called earlier because I wanted reservations for two,

and I have to give my wife the news that I've been having an affair with her

with her basically best girlfriend since college.

I have to tell her about this, and she gets really violent and really angry sometimes,

so I was going to tell her.

It's not going to be good, my friend.

Well, this is what the other damn person said there.

Well, guess what?

He said, call Morton's, and you know what?

They said, no problem.

Bring it in.

They said, come on in.

We'll help you out, they said.

And he gave me, he said, 20% off because Ruth Chris turned you down.

That's what he told me.

Really?

Well, I'm not sure.

I didn't hear anything about that yet, so I'll have to go talk with the other people here.

Well, when you have your shift change daily meeting over here,

second shift going to third shift

motherfucker I'm sure you'll go over

that you can bring up that information

to say yep Mr. Cross called back

and confirmed thank you for

Morton's

referral that they took care

of what Ruth Chris couldn't do

Morton's is taken care of

well again I'm sorry about that like I said I didn't hear

anything about it until now

bring that let them know that in the meeting

there before you guys take over your shift

alright I definitely will

All right.

Good luck tonight, my friend.

Can I call back and be on the conference call at all?

The conference call.

Sorry?

Don't you have a daily conference call when you come in?

Everybody?

No.

All points and connections?

No?

Nothing like that?

No.

Oh, okay.

We don't do a conference call.

We do a meeting with our staff, but we don't do a conference call.

Okay.

All right.

Well, thanks.

Thanks for accommodating me.

Well, good luck tonight.

Thanks for accommodating me.

I'm sorry we couldn't.

Okay.

Yeah.

Bye.

All right.

I should have asked some correction.

I should have asked him that I wanted him to connect me to hear the meeting on conference call.

I should have said I was going to conference call several of my friends to listen.

Just as last week, Brad Carter was able to get into a conference.

A former large United States company was having a conference call.

It was quite funny.

I recommend you ask him about it if you want to know.

But it is a private situation.

situation it's not on mixler and it's not on mp3 it probably won't be for many years so that's one

of those things where if you missed it live and you missed it for a long time probably forever

brad may decide he never wants to put that up and then fuck you for not being around pay attention

to mixler and you will get notification m-i-x-l-r dot com slash madhouse live did i mention go to

to our mixler yeah palindrome says it worked that number that it was a piece of shit from before

that the phone is working okay i'll try it i'll try it i'll try it later i'll try it later hey

we have a 24 hour india rape festival hotline excuse me and then he said don't call that it's

a scam okay all right yeah anyway he sends in numbers for indian restaurants coming in from

big cactus thank you cactus we'll do one of them right now and we'll see how this goes and continue

this is india grill machines india grill how may i help you india grill machine hi hi india grill

machine i'd like to make an order oh yes what's your name my name is crow uh car crow uh do you

you spell it c-r-o-w-e-r okay and phone number sir uh hang on it's out of state okay okay okay

uh did you uh repeat it nine four six okay what would you like an order okay one order of your

papadums please okay all right one tandoori uh tandoori chicken i'm sorry okay and uh hot spicy

Spicy. Would you like it mild, medium, hot?

Medium.

Okay, and?

Okay, one chicken tikka masala.

Chicken tikka masala, also medium?

Yes.

Okay.

One bhenchod?

One?

Bhenchod.

What is that?

Bhenchod, B-A-H-N-C-H-O-D, bhenchod, bhenchod.

We don't have that, sir.

Okay, one, let's see here.

Here, one kuta-kuta, K-U-T-T-A, kuta-kuta, it says.

One kuta-kuta.

What is that?

You're talking about bread?

Yeah.

We have onion kulcha.

All right.

Do you have one gandu?

What is that?

Where are you reading the menu?

It says here, Indian food, it's India Grill, Inc., and it says gandu sauce.

No, no, no.

We are India Grill, St. Pete, downtown.

Oh, yeah.

it says materchod no materchod special it says come call sister sister pick up the phone and

talk sexy it says uh what it says sister pick up phone and talk sexy that's what it says here

i'm sorry i didn't understand it says sister will talk phone and call and be sexy it said

call to make an order sister will take the order and be sexy it says it says you have one toilet

it there okay would you like to order anything else papadum tandoori chicken chicken tikka

masala anything else one sister okay no that's it that's it that's it how long will it be

okay it takes like 20 minutes oh okay all right i'll uh all right thank you i'll call you back

all right okay i'll call her back i said i did get that in before she hung up i'll call you back

so she makes it's on her i said hang on i'll call you back anyway the lux machine sent in

numbers here for steven in vegas who desperately needs to pay his tuition there's also a ryan who

needs a fresh start and he's a stupid okay okay these are two people who are interested in flying

yeah the flying amateur uh rocket thing these are pretty good calls you did lux over the weekend

i thought they were pretty good you're just talking to people yeah sure i'll

Oh, me and a fucking rocket ship or whatever.

All right, cool.

Well, let's try Steven then.

Yeah, big Steven.

I'm unable to get to my phone.

He didn't answer.

Hey, Lux.

I connected you.

I'm here.

I should answer.

I can get my number still.

I'll try the next one there, big Lux.

Let me get your list.

Lux.

God, Lux, you're breaking my ears, motherfucker.

Yeah, I turned off my computer, my man.

God, I hold your computer.

It's like 20 years old.

is a beige computer. What do you got?

Yeah, I purchased it in

1992, so

conveniently six years before I was

born. Awesome. Hello.

Hey, I'm calling from Rocket Man Industries.

I see that you responded to

an ad we placed regarding rocket

rocketry. Hello. I'm sorry?

You responded to an

ad regarding the rocket

trip. Not that I know of.

Did you reply to a Craigslist

ad that you wanted to be on a

a rocket machine no we did not then what did you reply to what is this i i don't i don't know what

you're talking about even give me the command codes to the rocket machine ryan okay uh i don't

know lux i don't know how you responded i guess you could try it one more time i'll put another

number in the chat i see it bobby drop my mic hello can you fly bobby i'm sorry huh hello yes

Yes, I'm calling from Rocket Man Industries.

You responded to a motorized bike thing.

You build motorized bikes, and you think that's relevant to the rocket program that we have going on?

I don't believe that with anyone that's here.

It could have been one of my grandkids or something, and they don't live here.

Oh, why not?

Well, they moved.

Oh, where'd they go?

Good question.

Did they go to Portland?

I don't know where they are, to be honest with you.

Oh, yeah? Wow. And what's his name? What's their name?

I don't even know for sure if that's what happened.

All right. Well, we wanted to put him on a rocket machine, you know?

If they're interested, they'll call you back.

He responded about being on a rocket machine.

We were going to launch his ass in a rocket and blow it up, and then we're going to...

We're not interested.

Okay. They're not interested. Whatever.

These are weird people, Lux. Wow.

Wow, they're like really like...

Yeah, I don't know.

Me and Turbo, the idea was rockets.

Are both these numbers for this Bobby guy?

Yeah, maybe one is the grandparents'

and one is the actual...

I wasn't sure what to put that.

Hey, this is Corey.

Sorry, Mr. Cole.

Leave me a message and I'll get it.

God, I feel...

Hey, this is Corey.

Sorry, Mr. Cole.

Leave me a message and I'll get it.

Bitch sent me straight the voicemail that second time.

What a bitch.

Should've left her a voicemail.

Maybe she'll call back.

Girls find it hard to resist calling back

someone that doesn't leave a voicemail lux i don't know if you knew that about girls yet

i don't know i don't know what you know about girls but that's something so to get a date i

should just call someone over and over and leave no voicemails no just call wants to hang up and

then when they call up like what you want it's like did you call me i'm like no did i i don't

know oh okay yeah like oh so what's that yeah that's a good move that's you learned you learned

that for me there you go try it out mpsa cobra sends in a golden mountain asian spot let's get

you a massage lux stand by okay i'll go in the car hello golden mountain asian son i have you

hey honey how are you good hey baby listen my son's turning 15 i'm gonna bring him in

be there get a nice massage we're gonna get do you do couples massages yeah we do couple

So it's going to be for me and my son.

He just turned 15 tomorrow.

Yeah.

And you don't have an age limit then?

A 15-year-old can come in?

Okay, all right.

And all right, so it's Asian staff there?

Asian staff.

So what time would you like to come in?

Tonight, 7 p.m.

7 p.m.?

Yeah, yeah.

He's going to talk to you.

Maybe that will put some fire in your ass.

Here you go, Lux.

Hello.

Yo, hi.

So, like, you're going to be giving me the happy ending, right?

Pardon me?

You're going to be giving me the massage with the happy ending,

the little tug-a-tug, trouser sneak.

You're going to be doing that all?

What's that mean?

You're going to touch my willy with your fingers and do Asian magic.

Wait, you're going to do the whole body massage?

Yes, all over my body.

Yes, you're going to be massaging it with your hands.

Okay, do you use your Chinese mouth to clean up, or do we have to bring, like, napkins or something?

No, you don't. Who's the other customer? Who is it?

What's the other customer doing? What do you want to do?

finished my my client right now your client so people like to come in i will take your 7 p.m

you want to do the couple massage that's fine yeah yeah and yeah so wait to shoot colon massages too

do you have big natural asian breasts sorry do the girls have big nice asian natural asian okay

that's a good question you made her stay away from her client that long if she's lying she didn't

have no client bullshit bullshit definitely yeah well

it's good to have you on, Big Lux.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I don't know if you need to go get dinner or something.

I was playing Assassin's Creed.

I'm going to go back to that, but I'll listen.

Oh, all right.

I need this.

Cool.

I don't know.

I don't think I'll be on for much longer, but I'm on.

Oh, all right.

It is what it is.

All right, man.

Yeah.

Well, thanks for having me on, dude.

Bye.

No one wants to hang out with Carlito.

No one wants to be on with Carlito.

I try to get Lux.

I try to get Spray on with me.

He didn't want to be on.

He's got to be in school.

Lux has got other stuff.

He wants to go play basketball, I guess.

What did he say he's going to do?

Play Magic the Gathering?

What did he say?

Lux is going to play Magic.

Okay, focus.

Let's go back to California and call some more people over there.

I'm going to close some of these windows, shit.

Sloth says bedoink, whatever that means.

Sloth, whatever, don't be ignorant.

Hobzoid says sweet.

All right, man.

Thank you.

And we could do an apartment complex, right?

Talk about the stuff that Brad does.

I could copy Brad.

I'll copy Brad Carter.

I'll attribute to Brad Carter.

This is my attribute to Brad.

Hello, thank you for calling.

For information about leasing one of our wonderful apartment homes, please press 1.

If you are a current resident, vendor, or trying to reach our office for any reason other than leasing information, please press 3.

That was an invalid response.

Please make your selection again.

For information about leasing one of our wonderful apartment homes, please press 1.

If you are a current resident, vendor, or trying to reach our office...

Hey, motherfucker.

I said 3.

Motherfucker.

Fucking Skype and the DTMF tone's not ever fucking working right.

Motherfucker.

and fucked apartment complex for having an automated fucking line.

Son of a bitch.

Here's another apartment complex right around the corner from that same place.

God, that pisses me off with the Skype, with that shit.

Nunu reminding us, call these old people before they go to sleep

because they get a little sleep.

Jose calling in.

We'll connect them after this.

Call.

Hello, Orangewood Garden.

This is Marta.

Hey, how are you, big girl?

Fine, how are you?

Good.

Listen, I'm staying in one of the units there.

I'm not on the lease.

I just pay under the table, you know.

What do you mean?

Well, I'm not on the lease.

You're not on the lease.

There's nothing I can do about it.

I cannot do business with people that they're not on my lease.

I stay on the couch.

You stay on the couch.

Yeah, and there's a leaking.

The bathroom is flooded with water and the living room.

It's been flooding.

Tell me what apartment do you live?

It's been flooding for like three, four days now.

Okay, what apartment do you live?

Because I don't have a clue, you know.

Thirteen.

What thirteen?

Thirteen.

What building?

Building two.

No, I think you got the wrong number.

I don't know, no, no, no, no.

Wait, I stay there.

I just, I don't know.

Well, like I said, you know, I cannot talk with strangers over the phone.

If they have any issues, the resident, they have to come over.

Oh, come on.

Listen.

If you don't live here, you're not on my list.

I have no business.

I do.

I sleep there every night.

And I go to work.

I have no idea who you are, you know.

Come on.

And like I say, I don't deal, I don't do business with people that they're not on my list.

You stupid.

They have to be on the list agreement in order for me to get a work order.

You stupid monkey.

Okay, you're the monkey.

Bye.

You're the monkey, bitch.

Okay, you're the monkey.

I don't speak up to nobody who's not on the list, man.

That's what she said.

What was her name?

Magda?

Good afternoon, Orangewood Garden.

This is Marta.

Oh, well, I'm recalling your voice, okay?

So, I'm going to be calling the police, okay?

I got your number, okay?

Okay, go to work.

I call her a pig.

A pig?

I call her a swine.

Cochina.

Wow.

I think that was Jose's mom we just called.

All right, moving right along, motherfucker.

Let's find somewhere else to call.

It's a hacienda.

Ooh.

Ooh, Buca di Beppo.

I love Buca di Beppo.

Oh, man.

So good, man.

So good.

So bad for you.

It was so good, man.

Buca di Beppo.

Let's just say go to work.

Go to work.

I don't go to work for another six hours.

Bitch.

Thank you for calling Buca di Beppo, man.

I am now taking Thanksgiving reservations.

This is Alex.

Yeah, I was calling to make a reservation.

For tonight?

Uh, preferably, I have, it's a special event, special kind of event.

For how many people?

For me and my wife.

For two people then?

I said for me and my wife.

Yeah, for two guests then, correct?

Oh, wow, you can't count. Yeah, two.

Okay, and when did you want to have this at?

Seven tonight.

All right, give me one quick second.

Listen, Maricon, hello?

Yes?

Yes, sir, I wanted to make sure that I have special needs put in there.

There can't be any knives at the table or nearby because my wife is violent,

and I'm going to tell her that I've been sleeping with her mom.

We've been having an affair, so I'm going to tell her.

And she gets violent sometimes.

You know, she could try to stab me or take me hostage or something.

She's done this before.

So I want to make sure.

Okay.

So can I start off with getting your last name?

My name is Cross, Mr. Cross, and that's it, just Cross, no more than Cross.

So Cross, as in C-R-O-S-S, correct?

That's my name, Cross, Cross.

And your first name?

No, just Cross, that's all you need is Cross.

Okay, can I get a phone number?

Okay.

And your code?

841-5-

Alright, well then I'll put this special note that there shouldn't be any knives or anything on the table, correct?

No hot coffee, no hot tea.

so no knives no hot tea or hot coffee yeah because she might throw that no hot soup no hot sauces

like no tomato sauce that's too hot like steaming does it come out steaming so pretty much you need

everything not hot yeah you can you gotta tell her we're sorry the oven isn't working and we

only can do cold food salad only but i need i need the patrons around to be doing the same thing you

know as in what what do you mean the patients around the different the different diners in the

tables around they need to have like nothing hot either because she could a grab it and use it

against me well to tell you the truth um i'm not quite sure if we're able to say that to the

different guests because that's not really abiding them i mean i could try to get you in a separate

room but that's the best i can do yeah we're gonna have to definitely do a separate room because she

She gets really violent.

She rips, you know, she rips my hair off and everything,

and she pulls a knife on me, you know, she threw hot coffee in my face.

Okay, what I can do so we can get everything this past,

I could go grab my manager,

and you could actually go tell him pretty much everything that you're telling me.

Is that okay?

Why don't you tell him, and then he comes to me?

Yeah, so is it okay if you get pulled on hold for a little?

Yeah, but you tell him what I'm saying, because if I have to tell him again, god damn it.

Okay, don't worry.

I'll be back.

Hello?

Hey, how you doing?

Good.

How can I help you, sir?

Hold up, hold up.

I can't hear you.

What?

I said, how can I help you, sir?

You should have been briefed already.

Yeah, I was briefed.

Okay.

So what's up?

I have a couple questions for you.

Why do you want to come here?

I need to do it in a public setting, because I'm afraid she might-

Well, I don't want to put any of my customers in jeopardy.

No, she's going to be mad at me.

The customers aren't doing anything.

Yeah, but why would you not have hot food or have knives or anything around you?

Because she's got...

It sounds like it could be a hostile environment, sir.

Well, she's going to be upset that I'm cheating on her, you know.

Yeah, but why would you bring that to a public place?

Because if I do it...

Like, I don't want any of my guests to be in jeopardy.

If I do it in private, my life's in jeopardy.

If I do it in public, there's witnesses, and there's protection,

and there's people watching, and she won't.

You know how when you go out?

Yeah, but I don't want any of my guests to have to deal with something that you created, sir.

Well, but maybe you won't even get to that.

Maybe she'll just say, okay, you know, and we'll shake hands.

Yeah, do you understand what I'm saying?

Well, yeah, but I...

I really don't want to book your party.

Come on, come on.

You can't do that.

That's not right.

That's not a valid reason not to do it.

No, it's not.

If you're saying that there's potential for danger for my guest,

yes, there is a reason.

There's danger for me if I don't stay there.

Don't you understand?

She's going to take it out on me.

She already threw me up against a wall, you know.

Yeah, but that's not my problem, sir.

I have to protect my guests who are coming into the restaurant.

She stabbed me once.

She threw hot coffee in my face from McDonald's and burnt me.

Yeah.

Sir?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I can't book your party.

Please.

This is an emotional plea.

Please.

I understand.

I can't bring any jeopardy or any harm to any other people in the restaurant, sir.

I wish you a good day.

Oh.

All right, whatever.

You can't do any Jeopardy.

How are you, Jose?

You like Jeopardy?

You like that show?

I like it.

I have never seen it.

Oh, you're a stupid.

No, you don't even have a GED.

No, I don't have a GED yet, but almost.

Good, good, good.

Congratulations.

I'm sorry.

That was mean to say.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to be mean.

I was just making conversation.

I'm sorry.

That was a bad thing to say.

Oh, that's all right.

Don't worry.

All right.

Well, I'm moving right along.

Let's see what we got here.

Let me see if we got any requests to pranks.

Hob says that I should not let Jose do pranks.

Wait, what?

Yeah, this Hobzoid, he's a member of the Madhouse Council, he said.

Oh.

Because of your involvement with the Laugh Track, man.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

I'm just being stupid.

Oh, God, it's so fucking, oh, man.

It's drama, that's, it's pure drama, that's all.

I asked him today

I said Matt why do you hate me man

He's like I don't hate you

And I'm like dude then why are you going to go after

Why are you going to send me stuff about Matt Howell

You know this and that

He's like oh no I want to talk to you about it

I'm like no man that's not cool

You know I thought we were friends

That's cool if he doesn't want to be around

Or he's upset at people

But I don't like take it out on Carlito

I didn't do shit

I wasn't even there when the shit happened

Yeah me either and somehow

Somehow, I'm the negotiator.

Negotiator.

How about that?

Cool, man.

You're the negotiator.

You're the peacemaker.

Yeah.

Awesome.

Well, it's good to have you on.

Yeah, the ambassador to Laugh Track Matt's prank party nation.

I don't know what he's calling it yet, but he's got a new network coming, guys.

Watch out for that.

It's going to be very well managed.

All right.

Let's call this angry.

Well, Nunu sent in, he told me to call an angry old couple, but I didn't get a number.

Oh, here it is.

I'm sorry.

Oops.

All right, angry old men.

Big Ken checking in.

A little early for Ken.

What's up with him?

Hey, boy.

Cocksucker motherfucker.

Yeah.

Come on, number.

Hello?

Hello, how are you, honey?

Hello?

Yes, hi.

I'm calling from National Water Machines, Royal Service.

Don't hang up.

Hello, can I help you?

Don't hang up, please.

I'm calling from National United Water Machines.

We cover the water grid for your area in Cornwall.

Yes.

We have a report of a problem with the toilets.

The water is coming through brown.

It's not easy to see it when you have the faucet on,

but you can see it in the toilet if you flush it.

The water comes out dirty and brown.

We're trying to find out the scope and see how far this goes,

and we're trying to fix the water computers from here.

Can you please flush your toilet, your commode, and tell me if the water comes through clear or if it's brown or colored like yellow?

I didn't hear you flush it.

I know that, but I flushed it, mate.

Let me hear you flush it.

Do you know what the time is to you?

I know.

This is a water emergency.

Well, for this area?

Yes, the whole area, yeah.

If you have brown water and you drink it, it's going to fuck you up.

Wait a minute.

It'll make you stupid.

It's all right.

Well, I'm calling with the emergency service,

the after-hours emergency service for your water machines.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay, can you check the temperature, please?

Can you check to see if the water's warm or cold coming out?

You've got to touch your hand inside the toilet.

it. I'm now

turned in. Alright, so is that where

you take a shit and piss in the toilet

and you put your hands in there?

What do you think I am, a bloody idiot? Yeah, you did it.

Yeah, you said you did, so you must have

done it, unless you're an honest

shithead. Yeah, you're a shithead

man. It's time of night. So, yeah,

you put your hands where you shit and piss

and your wife defecates.

Yeah, stupid.

Do you hear that toilet? It sounds like it had a fucking jet

engine hooked up to it.

Yeah, the toilet cleans your ass

Pass me, sit in, it sucks you down.

Shit.

Goose, Ice Goose, that is called.

Also, let me connect him.

I didn't notice he called.

Don't connect him, he's an asshole.

Why would you say that about Ice Goose?

Poor him.

Every time I get online, he calls me the N-word.

Every time.

Good.

That's my job.

He's doing my job?

Fuck yeah, Ken.

Does someone want to call Papa John's in London, England?

Anybody.

We'll do it.

He's a mother toad.

I don't think we'll have any of Frank's on Bainesville.

Thanks for calling Papa John's Hellingay. How may I help you?

Yeah, can I get a large pizza?

Yeah, for delivery or collection, sir?

Collection.

What's your phone number, sir?

My phone number is 420-83.

420-83.

48.

86.

Yeah.

66.

Pardon?

Okay, it's 420-83-48-86-66.

63.

Would you like to order, sir?

Yeah, can I get a large pepperoni deep dish pizza?

You want thin crust or original crust?

Uh, thin crust.

Okay, thin, large, proper stable pepperoni.

Yes. Do you have Dr. Pepper?

Pepper?

Yeah, Dr. Pepper.

We got green peppers and red peppers.

No, Dr. Pepper. It's a pop.

So I didn't get that.

Uh, Coca-Cola?

Yeah, we got Coke.

Okay, give me one of those.

You want a small bottle or a large one, sir?

A large.

One large bottle of Coke.

Okay. Can you repeat the number in one medium matter shot?

It's 02083488663.

Double, double, no, that's triple six.

Like, it's 420, 83, 48, 86, and 66. Got it, sir?

Uh, yeah.

Okay, can you repeat the number again?

It's 02083488663.

Okay. And five, can I get five large bond shots?

You want small?

No.

Give me five large panchos and six sisters in front with no big fish.

You want five extra dips?

What?

You want an extra sausage?

Yes, I want an extra sausage.

Which one?

Big sausage.

Too much distortion in your voice.

Could you please?

Wait, what?

I can't hear you, sir, properly.

No, no, no.

I come here and fuck your sisters.

Just one thin large papa's double pepperoni, one large bottle of coke.

And five large panchos.

Five more?

Yes.

That's what you say again?

I'll pick it up.

Like, at what time should I come and pick it up?

You're going to come after 15 minutes.

Okay.

Thank you.

Bye.

That didn't work out good, but oh well.

The fuck was that, Jose?

Uh, I gave him the number.

Jose wasn't even doing a prank.

He was just ordering a pizza.

Blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, I want pizza.

Well, my hunger, I'm a big boy, you know, and I'm hungry.

Well, I gave the pizza guy the number of his pizza store.

Very good.

All right.

We sent a good pizza over to Narwhal the other night.

She was awfully pissed about that.

Oh, boy.

Okay.

It was bullshit.

All right.

I'm going to call another Indian place here.

I don't think he was Indian, Jose.

You kept trying to go back to Banshawn.

Yeah.

Yeah, but he comes to the same five more and five more.

You made a prejudice presumption there, buddy.

Oh.

Racist motherfucker.

He's taking it.

God damn it.

Fuck Skype.

Full network error.

Don't give me that shit.

Come on.

Shit.

Skype.

Let's go poop on him.

Poop on their doorstep in a bag and light it on fire.

So they step on it.

Oh.

That good old prank.

You taking this big car later?

Selfie.

Hi, I'd like to place an order.

Yo.

Yeah, what's up?

Yo.

Yeah, I'd like to place an order.

For what?

A food.

Big food.

Big food that'll hurt my butthole.

Okay.

Go ahead.

Okay.

All right.

I'd like three orders of papadums.

Okay.

Garlic naan.

Yeah, like garlic naan.

Shut up.

I'd like garlic naan.

You want man sauce?

Yeah, I want man sauce.

Okay.

All over me.

Yeah, roasted, too.

Can I have lamb curry?

Hello?

Yeah, man.

This is not the restaurant.

You're calling the wrong number.

I know, and I'd like banh chowd.

Do you have banh chowd?

No.

Do you have a sister?

Do you have a sister? Can you bring her in front?

Yeah, sure.

I can put mango chutney on her.

Yeah? I don't have a sister. That doesn't work.

Your joke is irrelevant.

I laugh at you. I laugh at you because your joke is irrelevant.

Ha ha ha.

Do you have modertrode?

Can you bring your mother in front?

Put some mango chutney on her.

I'm pathetic.

No, I'm not.

My joke's irrelevant. That's not even funny.

Modertrode.

You knew what that was.

Excellent.

So I can't wait until the Xbox One comes out.

Good.

I can't wait either.

He doesn't want to talk to me now.

Carlito, I'm going to pull your car.

You'll lay on your paver.

Tamarind.

Tamarind an Indian thing?

I think it is, right?

Touch of India.

All right, this will be the last one.

I really, I got steaks.

I'm going to grill them, and then I'm going to go take a meat nap.

So, yeah.

Your wife doesn't beat you.

She's out of town, so nope.

She won't beat you.

You don't need to hide the coffee.

We're sorry.

horrible way but i'm leaving bye guys see you bye bye bye again bye okay bye bye jose see you

later man yeah all right i'm done see you guys thank you for tuning in for what was a splendid

afternoon early evening show madhouse radio yes i'm gonna leave hate to say it bye see you later

Calls (16, 52 min of 1 h 26 min)

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