Thanksgiving 2013 Prankathon 1/7 – Carlito’s Madhouse

You little monkey.

You bastard.

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Madhouse Radio Network 24-hour prank call show, aren't you?

Because it's Black Friday, you know.

The Madhouse Radio Network 24-hour prank call show, aren't you?

Can you command me?

Yes.

Bitch, I am 43 years old.

Probably whiter than you are because my motherfucking hair is red and my eyes are blue.

But I will still bust your motherfucking ass like a straight nigga every day.

I know I got a pussy.

I've birthed three kids.

For me, so I don't know.

All right, everybody.

This is Carlito Machine.

Hey.

Happy Thanksgiving to you.

Thank you for joining me tonight in a great adventure called Madhouse Radio.

I'm Carlito, the host of Madhouse.

We're on the show today.

Milkman is here.

The milkman is here.

Better money, though.

Man, I'm hearing all kinds of wind.

You just snuck in there, man.

Oh, okay.

That's like wind or is that surf?

I'm hearing noise.

I don't know.

Do you hear music?

Barely.

Barely?

I'm hearing like a rushing of air.

A rushing of air.

Rushing of air, man.

That quit.

Is that better?

No, that's worse.

Oh, God.

No, that's a distant mic again.

all right you're on the distant mic bring it back to the other one but i don't know something wasn't

right with it what about now nope you're still on the far away mic you're on the camera mic

what about now what about now okay now it's changed yeah but yeah but i would keep hearing

this like russian noise i don't know okay no what about now no that's better but i don't hear any

music but i hear you i took you out of the music box the music box i took you out of it i don't

I don't know.

Maybe that'll help him.

I don't know.

I hear you, man.

I hear you fine.

No more wind.

All right.

What about now?

You sound good now, man?

Perfect.

No change.

It's better now.

Oh, good.

All right.

Hey, asshole, guess what?

I don't know.

You haven't been paying attention to the grapevine, but tonight kicks off the Madhouse Radio Network

24-hour prank call show.

Aren't you excited about that?

What?

The 24-hour call-up thought is going down?

Well, you know what?

I heard about this last week, man.

I was pretty excited, man.

Fuck yeah.

I'm glad that the committee put together a good schedule,

so we've got the whole show filled for the next 24.

Yeah, and a special breaking news.

This is like the Hunger Games of Madhouse Radio.

Special breaking news, Milkman.

I don't know if I passed this by you,

but anybody who doesn't show up on time

or flakes out on their assigned shift, gets banned from Madhouse Radio for life.

Uh-oh.

That's not too good there.

I suppose everybody's going to show up then.

They've got a chance to show up.

You can place your bets online at the website via PayPal and Bitcoin, Milkman.

Yeah.

No, I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

I'm sure everyone will show up.

All right, here, let me do a rundown.

And for those of you who are just listening, okay, so it's Thanksgiving 2013.

We're heading into Black Friday, and I decided we should shoot for another 24-hour prank call marathon like we did last year on the Martin Luther King holiday.

It was really a lot of fun, and hopefully this works out, too.

I'm sure it will.

Everyone's real excited about it.

I know I am.

Just right now, just for those people that have been out there for a while that may recall.

Colin, those of you who have just joined us in the last few,

doesn't this make the annual ninth annual Thanksgiving special provided by the Madhouse

and now join in with the network specials as well?

But isn't this our ninth one?

Isn't this our ninth season, Thanksgiving?

I think it's our eighth, though.

No, our ninth.

We did one in 05, remember?

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah, so this is our ninth.

5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13.

That's nine fingers.

Damn.

Wow.

Man, that's like nine-finger Freddy.

That's like three-finger Freddy with triplets.

Whatever their 10-year Thanksgiving show is going to have to be something else.

We usually have fun with the Thanksgiving show.

Who the fuck would believe nine years from ago that we're still doing this shit, Armando?

I mean, I knew I was laughing my ass off then, but man, oh, man, oh, man, can you believe how much time has flown?

I know, man.

It's crazy.

It's probably astounding and actually scary how many people have joined the Madhouse over the years

and have been participants have been uh they invited their enemies they invited their friends

you know then they actually joined the show and they list man just think of how many lives have

been touched man and influenced out there by the madhouse yes milkman yes everyone has been

touched by you particularly the women the female listeners saving lives one call at a time here

monito between you and matt fucking all the groupies around here it's like the fucking

and rolling stones hell yeah brother all right well see this is show time brother all right well

uh real quick let me run down who's going to be on after us uh dialer with global chaos radio he's

going to commit oh he's committing the two hours of show uh follow that that leads us all right so

i'm going on i'm planning on going on until 4 a.m eastern and that's 1 a.m uh pacific then milkman

Let's get crazy, man, because I got enough turkey here, dude, to, like, hold you over and beyond, man.

I actually got a turkey.

This is the first time I had a turkey in, my God, what, 10 years or more?

Really?

Oh, my God, it's good, dude.

Freaking turkey, man.

I got mashed potatoes, gravy, man.

I got some stuffing and cranberry.

And then I got pumpkin pie, man, with real whipped cream on it.

Wow.

Yeah, man.

That's cool.

I had pumpkin pie without a crust.

listen uh 4 a.m to 6 a.m dialer right global chaos radio after that is 6 a.m and then uh that's two

hours of science with ice clues and milkman's favorite slaw milkman all right all right let's

go man cool after i'm glad you're doing the show man after that is the guy but i gotta tell you no

No one is more bigger of my favorites than the Armada.

So, y'all, I love y'all, but you got to take a second,

because, man, there ain't nothing finer than the boy right here,

the man, the Armada, the General Lee Simone, or the Madhouse.

That's right, show number nine.

Go play with your asshole.

All right, so, Milkman, your next favorite show is the Brent Westwood show.

Brent, Dirty Aaron, said he's going to be doing a show from 8 a.m. to 12 noon Eastern.

and then after that brad is going to be doing a show until 4 p.m so they're both going on for

four hours in the afternoon after that supposedly lux is supposed to take over i got a feeling lux

might not make it to that i think his dad got drunk the other day and beat him and hit him with

a belt and everything and we were all listening and he was on the camera and his dad took his

belt off and was hitting lux really hard and really bad and lux was crying and all this stuff

and we all saw it it was crazy and then after that is the art of phone marking with big jayad

and the jayads jayad and the jayads jayad and the saint claire's milkman and they're gonna be on

to wrap it up and go until 10 p.m eastern 7 p.m pacific tomorrow so if everybody shows up or if

If someone can't show up, if we have a backup takeover, we should be in good shape, sir.

I'm excited about it.

Smack with a belt?

I don't think I heard about that.

Smack with a belt?

Yeah.

Luck's got smack with a belt.

Who's that?

Who's this at?

Is that one of our new guys?

I don't know about that.

Yeah, he's this white kid.

How long has he been here?

It must have been the last few months.

That's why I didn't hear him.

Well, man, how old is he?

I think he's five.

Five years old.

I was going to say, man, I had dealt with that my whole life, man.

My old man beat me up until I was, like, in my 20s, dude.

Yeah, he used to put out lit cigars on you, remember?

Well, there's lots of other shit he did, too, man.

Knocked my teeth out, shot guns at me, you know, all kinds of stuff.

But, dude, you know what?

Don't worry about it, man.

You just stay tough and blow that shit right away, man.

You just stay focused, man.

Don't let that shit get inside you.

Fuck them men.

Blow it out your ass.

Yeah.

So, it's...

Just have some fun in the madhouse, dude.

Shake it up.

Don't let it bend your mind.

All right.

all right good day strong a lot of stores have already opened tonight including best buy and i

believe walmart they opened earlier tonight already on the east coast actually on the west

coast by now yeah i think they were both supposed to open at 6 p.m i yeah yeah yeah so anyway let's

get to prank calls here i know that i'm trying to pace myself and drag out because we're i need to

be on for six hours straight but i'm gonna do a prank because we gotta start off with a prank man

uh brad we got it we got it man we got you out baby brad got some layaway customers for us out

the machine here we're gonna give those a call they're always fun you know we say hey you stupid

asshole you know that i'm in the show i know man yeah it's funny we like to play we like to play

layaway football with a nerf ball yeah that's what it was last week

this is the annual thanksgiving uh ninth ninth uh ninth year conference you see so you don't

have to tell them we're having a special special football game back here with the nerf ball you

get an extra five yards yeah all right the good thing about these is actually got what they took

Took out, so this sounds like extra legit milk, man.

Holy shit, dude.

I don't know nothing about it.

I'll tell you what, it's pretty darn funny.

Vagina.

Thank you, Mr. Bad Brat.

Answer, you motherfucker, you.

You have reached Kena Cannon through the phone right now,

but if you could please leave your name, number, and a brief message.

God damn you.

Let me try her again.

She's probably out buying a bunch of shit she doesn't need right now, milkman.

She's out lying, freezing her ass off through Nintendo DS.

Moving right along.

Oh, all right, so that's okay.

We'll give her a call back in a little bit.

She just got done eating her dinner, so she went there and took a big dump.

So she'll probably come back, and she'll take a nap for about 20, 30 minutes.

And by that time, we've already called somebody else.

So hang in there, folks.

We've got plenty more activities to go through.

She'll roll over at some point and call back maybe.

Yeah, she's in a Thanksgiving, you know, haze.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message.

And this guy, oh, my God.

God damn it.

Now we've got to call a third one.

Eat in and eat in and eat in.

Dude, they must be in a coma.

I got Red Bull milk, man.

I'm so excited, man.

Dude, I'm going to fucking pack the fattest white Urkel fucking dab doody doody doody you've ever seen here, man.

And this is all for you, brother.

Hello?

Yeah, is that Nancy?

Yeah, this is she.

Hi, Nancy.

This is Ed.

I'm calling from the layaway department.

You placed some items here on layaway?

On where?

You put some items from layaway?

Yeah?

Okay.

uh we were listen we were having a thanksgiving meal here we closed you know we all came in

because we had to stock and we're opening tonight you know big black friday shit so we were having

some drinks and we were like some of us were passing marijuana cigarettes and we had like a

big catered thanksgiving meal and all that and we were playing nerf balls you know we were throwing

throwing balls around the layaway department and I went running and I caught

this awesome pass,

bro.

It caught her right in the air,

but I landed in a bunch of layaway bins and I,

it looks like one of yours here is one of the bins that I landed in.

So everything's all mixed up.

Okay.

All right.

So I'm going to have to charge you.

I need to find out what it is you put,

and then I'll have to charge you like a restocking fee to put it back on.

you're kidding right no no because you see i can get in big trouble if they know that because it

registers when i put stuff in and out of the bins and if i can't if it's not for restocking then

they're going to ask why and then we're going to have to tell them that we were drinking and

smoking drugs and throwing the ball around and i don't want i don't want anyone to get fired

i understand that but that's also my problem and i shouldn't be the one of

be penalized for you screwing up but it's just five dollars this is five dollars

five dollars can get me four cheeseburgers yeah i know but i can five dollars can mean my

livelihood and i can you know i'll get you four cheeseburgers how about i'll give you the five

dollars if you come in when you pay it let me know i'll give you the five dollars if you just

let me put it on and then you pay it i uh unfortunately am not uh able to go down there

there right now no not now this is bullshit no not now all right anyway listen this is bullshit

it kind of is it kind of is i'm not helping you know what you should have done is like

waited until your bus went down and uh then called lose my fucking job man so you should

have thought about that before you started drinking at work we weren't open we get to drink

when we're not you were still on store premises yeah i'm not here right now yeah yeah we yeah we

had like a whole bar set up and everything what was your manager at this point oh my guess she

doesn't come in this late on thanksgiving yeah she comes in later yeah you know we just go through

we we went to the aisles and we just picked some potato chips off the aisles you know where we're

walking around eating them we turn the music up we were putting rap music on like uncensored

And you had your cameras off?

Well, the loss prevention officer, he actually was hanging out with us, so he doesn't care.

And he can, he's got, like, all these fake tapes that he can just put in.

He just replaces, like, eight hours at a time.

He swaps them out, and no one ever finds out.

He's done it before, yeah, because we do this, you know, Thanksgiving, you know, Fourth of July.

That's great.

New Year's, we have a New Year's party here.

Yeah, it's cool.

Like, we drag out the furniture from the showroom floor, from the furniture area.

We have it all set up in the aisles, you know.

We got the women, take the clothes off when we're fucking on the couches and stuff like that, you know.

We have a big fucking orgy.

Wow, that's amazing.

It's fucked up, man.

This is some fucked up shit.

Yeah.

You know, the store manager, she's got two kids and she doesn't know who the father is.

It could be, like, five or six different workers here.

We just don't know.

She said she had the depo shot

And she thought she had the depo shot

So like five guys finished inside of her

And she got pregnant

And she doesn't know who the guy is now

Your phone sucks like a shit

What did you say?

I'm calling from my cell phone

Yeah

I moved here

I'm going to college here

How did you get my number?

You're still breaking up.

I'm going to call you back, all right?

No.

How did you get my number?

It's in the computer.

Watch.

Let me check.

All right.

It says Nancy Lace Rackling Coat Pajama Spider-Man Avengers 2 Stompies Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Z30 Responder and Marksman.

Those are all the stupid things that you got.

So what's the Marksman?

What's that?

Let me tell you what you need to do.

Is it a BB gun?

Because I don't see it.

You're going to have to figure out how to get this taken care of.

You're breaking up like a shit.

I'm not going to go down there and pay the title.

Oh, fuck.

I don't want her to talk if I can't understand her.

Milkman, how am I coming through over there?

You're perfect, dude.

She just got a weak-ass phone, dude.

It's not like she's on bullet or something.

Before you say anything else, I will let you know that I've been recording this call.

It's working.

Okay.

It's working now.

Here's the other thing.

I'm not going down there and paying the $5.

I don't care if it's only $5.

You don't have to come in.

It's just when you take this shit out, you know?

And the other thing is, I don't appreciate you using cuss words, okay?

Come on.

You're urban.

I can hear it how you talk like that.

Here's the other thing.

Like I said, I am recording this call.

The other thing is, I work with law enforcement, okay?

Okay, here we go.

What you did is getting you in trouble right now.

We were just playing football.

It's a fucking tradition

You need to go back and take care of what you just did

It's a fucking tradition

To play football on Thanksgiving

Asshole

What's the problem?

What did I do?

I'm the one

You're the one that's screwing up with the store

And prank calling customers

Really?

Oh, police

Is this part of your tradition?

No

Having a football game is

But I'll tell you what isn't part of the tradition

Is having to get fired

Because of asshole customers

really because i told you to go off and get drunk on your property really off on okay what do you

what do you i'm gonna get off the phone right now oh good and i would suggest that you find some

other way to fix this issue are you gonna get i will be in the store this weekend and i will be

speaking with the supervisor no meanwhile i would suggest that you find some other way to fix this

this problem okay okay i guess i'll try but i'll call you back try to sober up and figure out how

to fix this issue i'll call you and i'll call you later be a responsible adult and fix this issue

okay i'm sorry grow up okay thank you hope you have a great thanksgiving okay okay bye god bless

you wow all right tender moment there at the end wow she was cool about this whole thing for being

working for the pigs.

I learned

how to militiate before, Bob.

I don't know what to say, man.

Other than...

Asshole customers.

What did I say?

It is fishing, man.

Fishing is getting drunk and high at work

and playing Nerf football and breaking

shit and taking

potato chips off the aisle and walking

around. I like the orgies on the couches

though. That was a pretty darn nice touch there.

I didn't know about that office party.

damn i need to go there that's an awesome k-mart to work at i'm telling you man you

pull the fucking furniture out pull it down from you know all that k-mart furniture burly

i don't know a big man like me if i try to bang you you hit that ass like twice on there you'd

be laying on the floor buckle buckle break a fucking k-mart couch gosh dude i was notorious

Toyist, not because I was so fat, man, because I was brutal, man.

I used to break monkeys' beds.

And for the many years I had to have a meth bed, I could not have a wood bed.

Every time I had it, I had to either snap the headboard off or I'd break it to the

front underneath the bed with all of them.

What?

So, nowadays, it's kind of, oh, it's good.

Oh, man.

That sounds good, man.

That's bad, I guess.

It was good?

Yeah.

you're breaking up a lot milkman you're breaking up a lot buddy you're breaking up a lot

all right you're breaking up a lot uh you call back all right i'll call you back hang on call

milkman back well mixer's supposedly having trouble too i think i don't know maybe i'm

having internet trouble yeah imagine that having internet trouble on a day like today

big surprise hang on calling milkman back as soon as close some windows down here carlito

the un wants to ban killer robots okay whatever that means sounds good man that message coming

in from brandon all right brandon thank you contributing to the show calling milkman back

motherfuckers final thing and waiting on milkman yeah milkman's taking a long time to connect

this shit i'm gonna have to play a prank call because i i gotta double check see what's what's

up with the connection here people are complaining well this will be a great failure of a 24-hour

prank show when this doesn't work yeah we already played this music shit damn it here we go all

right well moving right along let's continue i don't see lonesome anywhere that makes me really

mad in my machines but that's fine we got more layaway calls but that came from motherfucker

let's give them a call see what they're up to yeah i think i accidentally closed my mail browser

whoops all right here we go all right here is a different store in the same general area

this lady here put a ps3 on layaway picked it up today i think she still owes money

milkman motherfucker don't you think so she still owes money on it yeah is that renee sorry there's

no renee here well i listen i'm calling from the layaway department regarding a playstation 3 that

that was picked up today you mean ed renee yeah whatever yeah whatever well listen you left here

without paying for the full balance on that ps3 and i got news for you that's you're in big trouble

missy first of all i am sir said ps3 but you seem to know who they are all of a sudden you're not

the purchaser huh do i have to come to walmart and complain to your supervisor you don't need

to come here and drag out anything you just need to make sure that the next time maybe you should

maybe you should think about the things that you're saying before you say them sir you still

You left owing $25 asshole fee.

You didn't pay for it.

Oh, fee?

An asshole fee?

Is that what you just said to me?

$25 asshole customer fee.

Yeah.

It says here on the computer.

Oh, okay.

Hold on just a second.

Hello?

Hi.

What can I do for you?

Is this Renee?

Janae?

Renee?

Jay?

What was your name?

Hi.

My name is Michelle.

Oh, hey, big girl.

How you doing?

Listen, I was calling and talking to the other broad because she left here without paying

the whole balance on her stupid ps3 who left without paying the whole balance on her ps3

renee renee renee renee she said it she says she knows who i'm talking about ask her ask her now

i command you what you command me yes i command you i am 43 years old what is your name i command

you to ask her who was i was talking about i don't have time to be writing letters to you and

re-explaining stuff over and over again the mouth breathing stupid people what is your name i don't

ain't gonna tell you so you're calling me on my home phone you won't tell me your name all right

this is arlo arlo yeah johnny get your phone call the other phone and call you work because i paid

for the damn ps3 you didn't pay the full balance asshole is what i'm telling you you still owe

25 fee asshole fee and why are you and why are you using fake names on this stupid shit here

on this motherfucking shit you put a fake name in there if i understand what you're saying you

You are calling me from...

Yeah, we've been drinking.

It's Thanksgiving.

We shut down early.

We drank and we eat.

We have a catered Thanksgiving meal.

The bakery makes some shit for us.

And we play Nerf football and stuff like that.

And I was done.

And I was going through the paperwork here.

And it shows that you still owe the fee that you didn't pay for.

Because you came in late.

I didn't come in late.

I actually picked it up early.

You didn't pay at the kiosk.

You paid at the counter.

and that there's a fee for a convenience fee

for paying to a real person instead of the touchscreen kiosk.

I did pay to a real person in the back of the store.

Exactly.

If you paid to a person, we charge you a fee.

No, honey, you don't charge me no fee.

Yeah, we do.

Yeah, you have to use the kiosk.

It takes bills and everything.

The manager was in the back last night.

He paid the person to come see me.

Yeah, well, that's you.

You should check us out.

So you know the people whose house you called

used to work at this Walmart, right?

Yeah, we charge you a convenient fee.

You charge me a convenience.

Convenient fee, not convenience.

Convenience fees aren't allowed.

It's just convenient fee.

Get it right.

Listen, just whatever.

You know, get it figured out.

I'm just, they had to take it out,

and they're going to put a negative mark on my record now

because of you stealing those PS3.

I didn't steal any PS3.

I paid for it in the back of the store.

You didn't pay for the whole thing.

I did pay for the whole thing.

I asked for the balance due on it,

and he gave me the balance, and I paid for it.

God damn it. That was the balance without the convenient fee.

All right, look, I made a mistake. I didn't add it on there like I was supposed to.

Now I'm going to get in trouble. All right, I'm sorry.

You didn't add the convenient fee on there.

I made a mistake.

So what do you want to meet it?

If I add it now and you pay it, I won't get in trouble.

They won't, like, I'll get in big trouble with Mr. Celery. He'll get really mad.

Mr. who?

Mr. Celery.

Mr. Celery. Except you get in the vegetable aisle.

Well, that's his name. We don't pick on him about it.

That's just what he's called.

That's his dad's last name.

That's kind of ignorant.

Is there a manager there named Mr. Celery?

I didn't think so, because y'all used to work at the Walmart, right?

Yeah.

I thought you said you did.

No, I didn't say I did.

I said you know the people whose house you call work there.

Not me, my children.

You said we.

there's more

than one person in here that worked there there's more than one person in this household okay where

do they work now mcdonald let me tell you something well i'm just asking i'm curious

This is my home phone that you called, and what you're doing right now by law is called harassment.

I'm asking you about the thing you're doing.

Let me let you know, Arlo, so you understand that we are on the phone right now for 29 seconds.

So I want you to know that right now we're on another phone to the manager in Walmart.

Stop calling Walmart.

Why would I stop calling Walmart?

You're calling my home phone harassing me.

I'm not harassing you.

You're a customer, but I don't want to get in trouble.

trouble you've already cussed me three sides of sunday on my phone that you called after business

hours i'm sorry please no don't be sorry i'm sorry i'm sad i need i need medicine i need you

went to a dinner that they fed you some food and got drunk and now you've called my house to harass

me they didn't send me food no i just no you went to a walmart thanksgiving dinner thing you said

and they fed you food and you got drunk and now you're harassing me yeah well i'm not harassing

you i'm calling you because the convenience fee needs you need to come pay for the stupid

a convenient fee i'm sorry i don't pay a convenient fee to pick up equipment that i pay for you

suppose but you don't you see you you set up you even signed when you put it on the contract for

the layaway and you just have to pay at the fucking computer atm kiosk touchscreen thing

you put in your receipt number in there you scan it and you make a payment there if you don't

if you have to pay to a person they we charge you a 25 convenient fee because it's convenient

convenient for you not to have to use that machine you know that's all that's what i'm saying

but i didn't put it on i was supposed to put it on in the computer system but i forgot every time

you pay for a layaway in the back of a store that comes to the register so i don't know what kind of

a convenient fee you're talking for there's big signs everywhere it says layaway payment kiosk

here there's four of them in the store in the front in the back and two on each side okay so

Sorry, do you need me to come see you right now?

Not now.

It's Thanksgiving.

I'm off for the night.

I'm in trouble.

They sent me home.

Who said fucking back there?

That's cursing.

No.

No, don't say that.

You've been cursing at me for several minutes on this phone about some goddamn, some hell,

some fucking money.

So don't ask me who said fucking in the background of my home that I pay the mortgage on.

I stopped cursing.

I'm sorry.

I stopped cursing.

Please don't.

I apologize if you failed to do your job appropriately and now you're in trouble.

But for you to call my home phone, by the way, your phone number's on my phone, just

so you know.

It's called caller ID.

It displays phone numbers.

Don't call my house no more.

And if you let me know what time you need to see me tomorrow, Arlo, I will come see

your ass personally.

You have a caller ID machine?

I don't know a person in the United States of America that doesn't have caller ID on

their phone.

You have a caller ID machine, though.

I don't need a caller ID machine.

Your number's on my phone when you called.

Oh, I have like this big machine.

It's part of the service that I pay for.

I have a big machine that's like the size of a closet, and it'll show who called.

Well, I didn't call you.

You called me, so I don't really give a shit.

You got my number.

Oh, I'm just saying.

What time do you need me to see?

What time do you need me to see you at Walmart?

Well, we're open now.

No, you're not at Walmart right now.

I want to see you personally, up close and fucking personal.

Are you ethnic?

Am I ethnic?

Yeah.

If you took my money yesterday in a store, you should know what the fuck I look like.

I didn't.

No, bitch, I'm white.

I didn't.

Probably whiter than you are, because my motherfucking hair is red and my eyes are blue.

But I will still bust your motherfucking ass like a straight nigga all day, every day.

So, before you call somebody's motherfucking house, assuming they some regular Topeka, Kansas bitch, you might want to know who you're fucking with.

So, what time do you want me to meet your motherfucking ass and work tomorrow?

Because I'm getting real fucking hot.

Let's see.

What time do you want me to meet your ass and work tomorrow?

Don't stutter, motherfucking mother.

Answer the question.

I'm thinking about my schedule, you cunt.

Listen, I come in...

Your mama's a motherfucking cunt, bitch.

I know I got a pussy.

I birthed three kids.

Tell me something I don't know.

If you gonna man up, bitch, man up,

when do you want me to meet you at?

Nigga, what?

I come to work at midnight.

Nigga, what?

Like, he done did something.

He wants to know if I was ethnic.

Now that bitch wants to say,

Nigga, what?

Woot, woot.

Little boy, what's your schedule?

He don't even know what you are.

He asked me what the fuck I was.

I let that motherfucker know.

When do you want me to meet you at the Walmart?

Wait, so your daughter's a black, but you're a white, but she's a black?

She's not a black, because a crayon would be black.

She's a subhuman?

What's your schedule, son?

Son, you want to see me at Walmart tomorrow.

What is your schedule?

I will be more than happy to meet you, your supervisor, and the police.

I'm scared.

No, I don't want to, because you're violent.

You're ethnic, and you're violent.

No, I don't want to.

I'm not ethnic, honey.

I already told you.

I'm a redhead with blue eyes.

I'm whiter than you are, but you're not going to keep calling my house and rassing me about

for $25.

So if you want to see me at work tomorrow, buy some money.

Just let me know what time you need to see me because I'm off all day.

You sound like a Zulu, and I'm not going to get involved with that.

Your mama's a Zulu, bitch.

Come better than that.

Let's go, little boy.

What's your schedule?

When do you want to see me?

Well, I told you that I come in at midnight.

You coming at midnight tonight?

Of course, yeah.

It's Black Friday.

Dull.

That's what's up, bitch.

That's like an hour and 15 minutes from now.

I'll be up in two hours and 15 minutes because y'all niggas go for 24 hours.

Oh, you can read time, too.

Let me see.

Let me see something.

I'm grown with two college degrees.

Not only can I read numbers, I can professionally work somewhere besides Walmart.

Do my children, or have they worked at Walmart?

Yes, bitch, they have.

However, I do not.

I work in a professional business environment, but that don't mean I won't get down and dirty,

so I'll see you at midnight.

You good?

Anything else I can answer for you?

Degrees from University of Phoenix don't count.

Or DeVry.

There you go, trying to be smart again.

Is there something else I can help you with?

I'll see you at midnight.

What school did you get your degree from?

Is there something else I can help you with?

I've already explained that to you.

son i had doesn't matter where my degree came from i have two did you get her in prison and

the house i live in it's mine but i'll see you at midnight do you have any additional questions

that i could answer for you today yes yes you do i do okay one of the degrees is like culinary

and the other one is what like are you a phlebotomist what do you do one more do i what

are you a phlebotomist do you even know what that means honey honey i don't take anybody

blood for a living don't talk some stupid i told you just because i will turn into a

motherfucking whoop your ass that does not mean that i'm not educated okay sometimes you gotta

start at the bottom and work your way up been there done that are you considering are you

considering passing the driver's license test getting a degree okay i'm just i'm trying to

figure it out it's just really weird that you kind of people would have two degrees like that

it's just i've never really ran into that from pavement you don't have a degree i could assume

I assume that. Hold on just a minute, son.

I have to.

Okay, can you hear me?

Not really.

Your mama.

I'm sorry.

Your mama.

No, because I am her mama. I'm standing right here.

I'm pretty sure I'm not a faggot. That's why I got the cue.

You're not?

Shut up.

I'm at the one.

5-4-1.

Hello?

Okay, they finally hung up.

Young man, that was a very interesting conversation we had.

Damn, boy.

She's like trying to pretend like she's all white and shit,

but she don't sound it, man.

so you know no i know a lot i know not a lot a lot a lot hot black girl without her hair red

so that's all right man all right baby she said she was white i don't think she was white no

she said she had red hair and blue eyes i don't remember hearing her say she had white

red hair and blue eyes that's what she kept saying did she say that then she said i'm

whiter than most of you she didn't say she was getting us on technicalities maybe i don't know

I don't know, dude.

She was like, dude, if she's white, dude, she's been soaked in the mud a long time.

She got it coming out of the floors.

Oh, my God, no, Ben.

Really?

I've been soaked in the mud?

Her.

Not you.

Her.

No, but why would you say that about another person?

Why would I say that?

Because that mouth was breathing her 30.

Well, like mud flying out of it.

Yeah, she said the N-word and everything.

She said a bunch of stuff, dude.

She was, like, all clowned out.

But what you've got to do then is call her after midnight and say, look, I was there.

Yeah, yeah.

And you've got to call back and make sure that they know, man, that they didn't show up.

And that we was there and we had the whole crew there.

We all were football players.

We were all there waiting.

Okay.

All right.

There's someone here listed who is selling an iPad mini.

All right.

Let's call them.

I mentioned I can get one for insert low price at Walmart for Black Friday once.

okay oh that's hang on let's give that a call milkman i'm excited about that all right she's

breaking bad on your ass man that last lady was funny she was fucking hilarious i like what was

her name maureen uh larry i don't know no one wanted to or something like that yeah she's

michelle yeah it's like hold on it's michelle she dude she was like dyke is oh you hear that

yeah i thought for a few times she was major dyke too yeah like dark stranger dark stranger's hot

hot man she ain't dyke she's just hot yeah but she yeah hello hey what's going on dark strangers

of dyke just calling because you have a apple ipad mini what wefie uh 16 gibbs brand new

exclamation point yeah okay all right does that get the uh youtube on it and the internet

okay and how many spaces does it have how many yeah no spaces yeah how many spaces come with

with that and can you get that like upgraded or fixed you can fix spaces when they go bad you can

take the spaces out and put in more spaces or take out the old spaces and put new spaces on

oh i have no idea all right can you can you know you go download ram on it and everything

all the ram that i need i can download like if i want 15 gibs i can go and download 15 more gibs

that's not that's good i like that that's good so how much is uh i wanted to see you said 295

now walmart walmart's has it for 255 tonight so maybe you know yeah they do um i was there right

now it's special sale uh well i'm in buffalo but i i come to your i come through there all the time

yeah i i work you know i do conferences and then i also like to visit different rest stops

you know i stop at the rest stops and take like a 30 minute break in the bathroom

did you want to meet me at the rest stop you can show it to me we can go in the bathroom and you

can show it show me the uh the ipads hello no he doesn't want to show me in the bed you gotta

I gotta go in the bathroom.

In the rest stop.

That's that guy's life.

I go to the rest stop.

Oh, shit.

I missed your call.

Leave a message.

Oh, I'm sorry, too, honey, because I was going to get you to go to the rest stop.

E-E-E-E.

Hello?

Oh, he heard you laughing, Milkman.

Thank you for redeeming the prank before it even started.

Yay!

I didn't know it was ringing.

It didn't even ring.

You didn't hear it ring?

I heard it ring perfect.

and I heard him pick up and everything.

Oh, okay.

Well, I didn't hear it.

Sorry.

I call you Pendejo.

How about that?

All right.

I was laughing because you're funny.

Okay, sorry.

Thanks, buddy.

How dare you laugh?

I know.

GTA 5 for sale.

$45 machines.

Okay.

I wonder if it's new in the box.

It doesn't say.

Suggestion.

Call them.

Get mad.

They won't answer your in-game text messages.

Ah, I get it.

Yeah.

Tell them you aren't interested in buying their game anymore,

but demand that they join your GTA Online crew for wasting your time.

All right, yeah, GTA, man.

Far out, man.

White Milkman is far out.

Grand Theft Auto?

Yeah, man.

Oh, you got GTA 6?

I don't know.

What's the new one?

5?

6?

I think it's, like, isn't it number 7 now?

Butane?

Propane?

I don't know.

I think it's 5 now, man.

Yeah, it is 5.

You're real dumb.

I don't know.

I do, but I was just fucking around,

out so i could like you know be stupid on air okay mike didoni in the in the chat room confirming his

gta 11 there you go you see i told you yeah hi you have gta 11 yeah yeah g5 is it 5 or 11 now

there's no 11 new gta gta 2013 you have right yeah yeah gta 13 it's 5 but yeah okay all right

Right, and is it new in the box and all that?

No, but it has...

It's got both disk machines?

Yeah, it's the install one and the play one.

And how many spaces does the game take?

Six megabytes.

No, spaces, not storage, spaces.

What do you mean?

What's that in spaces?

That's, um, like, uh, it's six gigabytes.

Like, say if your hard drive is four gigabytes.

How many spaces is six gigabytes?

Like, six jibs?

yeah perfect perfect so how many spaces is that i don't know how to convert what do you mean spaces

there's no i don't know what uh you know computer spaces no well it's in gigabytes like there's

gigabytes and megabytes for space man like i don't know what you're talking about i know it's

kilobyte it goes from bytes kilobytes megabytes gigabytes terabytes petabytes yeah i know yeah

Yeah, I know that.

Yeah, that's the size of memory in RAM.

Yeah, and it's six gigabytes.

Yeah, but how many spaces is that?

It's one.

One spaces?

That doesn't make any sense.

That doesn't work.

You can't install an OS and keep data on and on one space.

Can't what?

You can't just install the OS and have the data lying on one space.

That doesn't make any sense.

It doesn't work.

All right, well, I don't understand what you're trying to say, though, man.

and I'm just confused.

Like, you're confusing me a little.

Like, you remember the Nintendo 64?

You could use the SmartPak to save games on it?

Yeah.

On the controller?

Yeah, and that's spaces.

It holds spaces.

It holds 16 spaces.

16 gigs.

It would probably hold something like that.

No way, gigs.

Like, you don't know how much gigabytes is your Xbox, you know?

Gigs in 97?

That's real stupid of you to say.

Of course it didn't do that.

What?

There's no way it would hold 16 gigs when this stupid thing came out in 96.

Wait, what are you talking about?

You said that it held 16 gigs, you said, the SmartPak for the Nintendo 64.

Oh, I don't understand what you're talking about.

That's really ignorant.

Anyway, so whatever, I was going to offer you to get this game,

but if you can't, let me know how many spaces it has.

And then on top of that, Walmart has it for $35 brand new in the box.

I didn't know that.

I didn't see that.

That's pretty, yeah.

You really need to look into that.

No wonder you still haven't sold it, you know?

Well, I just renewed it because I just saw it and sold it right now.

Well, you should lower the price of it to like $25 to be honest with you, maybe $30.

I could do $30.

You want to do $30?

All right.

Okay, cool.

Do you want to meet at Walmart?

Right now?

Well, when can you meet out here?

Wait, where's Walmart?

Which one's local to you?

No, I'm near Latham.

All right.

I can look that up.

up and see you know what zip code that is wait where do you live i can tell you how far away

you are from me huh i live in how far are you in the park with me i'm in buffalo oh dude jeff you

don't you're not gonna meet me again you're like five hours away dude yeah but no i'm coming through

because i have to be down downstate by tomorrow you know oh oh oh yeah because i'm gonna be real

i got i booked a hotel room i'm gonna go watch like a peep show and all this stuff and times

Times Square, you know, Master Bay, the peep show.

All right.

Yeah.

And then I go to Central Park at night.

There's a certain section you can cruise for guys and stuff.

You can walk in the trees and you cruise.

All right.

I like the park.

You want that?

Yeah.

These guys just take their pants off and walk around.

It's so free, man.

It feels so free.

All right.

All right, man.

So how about you meet me there?

Where do you want?

At Walmart or Central Park?

Wait, Central Park?

Like New York City?

Well, is there a gay park around where you live that we can go to?

Are you...

I live in, like, Albany District.

Yeah.

So is there, like, a local gay park that people go for cruising and dogging and stuff like that?

Park?

Yeah, you know, a park that people...

Guys go to late at night to cruise for their man and stuff?

Uh...

Can you find out?

Yeah, I can find out, man.

Uh, where do you go, like, to cruise and stuff?

Uh, I go to your mom's house.

She's a fucker right there.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

that's cool can we just do that then all right man that sounds good go to your mom's house yeah

he's gone all right cool that's another winner tag team with mom yeah and that finishes one hour

out of 24 we have 23 just about a few i started right at 10 i'm considering that i started right

at 10 right on time we did start on time i did i know amazingly we did i started talking around

Around 10.01, yes.

Yeah, sweet.

That ain't good.

Sometimes we will shock our masses.

Sometimes we will do our job like we're supposed to here.

Well, I mean, come on.

It's a Thanksgiving special, kids.

I mean, you know.

You know.

You hear what I'm saying?

Yeah, man, we got to keep it the tradition, man.

You know.

You can get.

All right.

Well, moving right along.

Let's get back to Request Pranks, see if we got any more numbers.

Still waiting for some kind of sign from Lonesome Loser, who has not showed up yet.

Oh, dude, we've got to call the Ernie.

Remember, you know, the horse guy.

Yes, I know, man.

We were horsing around.

I didn't know when we was going to get to that.

Was that going to be early in the show?

It probably should start early because we're going to have to track him down or at least get close to him.

He's not going to be the first call.

We're going to have to dial in.

I got his cell phone, dude, so I'm good.

I know his cell phone.

I didn't know he had a cell phone.

Nice.

I think right now it's like an obscene time in the morning right now over in Guam, is it, that I call him at?

So if we wait until late later, it'll be late morning and he'll pick up.

We can't call him yet.

Well, do we got any ideas what our proposal is, what he's going to be horsing around with us about?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm just going to have to say something about a horse.

It'll come up.

Trust me, folks.

it'll come up yeah you know and that's stuff we can do if you guys want to help out we'll get

some numbers in guam we can get some what do we usually do thanks can we do that i usually call

jamaican restaurants that are open in guam and i insult them i say rude stuff i call the uk we're

new news we're using new hotels too hotels france hey bruno we could try to get a hold of bruno

there you go but he called the homo hotel man because you know they're over there they're

trying to get the uh the nuclear uh tell us that the enhancement enrichment program going so yeah

it's called a homo hotel for your penis yeah yeah okay tell him what tell him we're out we're in

the radiation man big time yeah we're in the radiations you get into radiation

you was laughing about telling about the gay park dude you know you should have so yeah walk

around without my page is so free man just like you're doing the castro in san francisco because

Because that's what them motherfuckers do every day.

Walk around with no pants, dude.

Seriously.

Oh, my God.

It's legal.

They're going to hell.

The old fucking gnarly, the gnarly old dogs, the old leather dogs, man, out there.

They're all beat up like leather, man.

Walk around with their fucking shit hanging out, man.

I swear to God.

It's loud.

That's disgusting.

They're going to hell.

So what you do is so free, but you got to quote that.

If you want to talk about a gay park, the famous gay park here is Dolores Park.

Dolores.

So, yeah.

So you can use those as kind of like milestones, you know, because like the ultimate, because

because that's the ultimate gang that's out here in the mecca known as Castro.

Isn't it Hyde Park in London, I think?

That's where Nunu goes?

I think so.

I believe that's where he first started wanking and got calluses on his hands, man.

And after that, he became a pro.

He's a ball handler.

Thank you for calling the FDIC.

All the officers are busy right now.

Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you shortly.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Hi, give me a call.

that's a number for some scammers but they don't answer their phone at this time

so maybe later right okay uh someone texted me back from a phone call i did that they didn't

pick up it said sorry i'm a little busy right now all right well we'll try to call them later maybe

let me see if there are any voicemails i think we got a voicemail oh my yeah and that's always

is fun we got a voicemail about 10 minutes ago here from let's see yeah yeah we gotta call we

gotta call back jaleesa man pretty soon we gotta make sure it's gonna be like she's done went there

for the midnight madness and then waited and got pissed and come back i don't want to mess with

those people they're you know they're angry and rightfully so yeah never mind here's another

here's another voicemail that came in from a place that we prank called here last week

Hi, your order is ready for pickup.

Please give a call.

Thank you.

That's the guy that Baz said he was going to get into a fight with.

Oh, your order is ready.

Won't pick up.

I'm cool.

What the fuck was that?

Oh, your order is ready.

That guy was calling back for Baz because he wanted Baz to pick it up.

Oh, okay.

You guys will start doing new calls.

Okay, yeah.

I heard something.

I was about out of it.

That was last week.

Okay, well, guess what, Milkman?

We're out of requested prank calls.

Oh, your order is ready.

know what we're gonna do without any more requested pranks we're kind of fucked oh we got plenty of

numbers here we have got we have got the log from heck man and back dude we've got nine years of

logging there plus lonesome loser once he you know once he uh wakes up from his uh his great

thanksgiving uh obliteration you know he'll be back

I don't have to worry about it.

I'm sorry.

Not to worry, friends.

All right.

What time is it now?

We're in the park.

It is 8-0-6, 11-0-6.

Thank you.

I want some more turkey.

Hey, I got a bunch, dude.

Like I said, man, I got my first damn turkey in I don't know how many years.

And it's the fucking smallest meal I could get was for eight people.

Yeah, I want to go another hour before I take a break.

I don't want to take a break so early.

Okay.

Target is a madhouse.

That was Athena's report.

Toys R Us isn't bad.

All right, well, there you go.

Yeah, I can see that happening.

All right, cool.

Thank you for sharing that update.

Toys R Us wasn't bad?

Is that what she said, or Toys R Us was bad?

What did I just say, Milkman?

She said Toys R Us wasn't bad and something else was.

Target was bad, yeah.

Okay, all right, let's call Target since we just got breaking news that they're busy.

All right.

We'll call my local Target machine.

No, not my local one, but we'll call a Target machine.

Yeah, we're not going to claim one near anybody, but we're going to call one that everybody knows.

Yeah, we'll call your landlord, too, in a little bit.

That's right, buddy.

You just send their number right in here, and we'll make sure that we use your number on the caller ID.

Yeah, let's call a target in the south, because targets in the south are funny.

I'm not going to call that state, because Milkman says don't throw the key away and all this shit.

Which state?

Virginia?

Virginia, yeah.

You're scared.

Never forget Virginia, man.

And they go by Commonwealth law, and same thing with PA, too.

I don't know how bad they are, because I don't got any backup, but definitely, Virginia is notorious, right?

Because they have so many laws that are passed for D.C., and they still run the same hard-ass laws here in Virginia.

Yes, sir.

I agree.

But, no, it's a Commonwealth in name only.

Don't worry about it, okay?

That's good, because in Virginia, man, it's the South, dude.

They ain't never going to stop.

That shit's always going to be that way.

Yeah, and the cops, like, if they're in jail, they'll masturbate you.

and everything, and they can't get in trouble.

Oh, fuck, man.

They like to have their mouths masturbated in, man.

They get fucking all excited.

Thank you for calling the Target store.

Mouths masturbated, Milkman?

Seriously?

Into, yeah, masturbated into their mouth.

Our store hours have changed for the holidays.

The store will be open from 8 p.m. on Thursday, November 28th

to 11 p.m. on Friday, November 29th.

All right.

We're through, fucker.

Please stay on the line while your call is transferred to the operator.

Oh, boy.

can i find something motherfucking asshole people motherfuckers you know

what all right these motherfucking asshole people hello can i speak to electronics please

help you i mean i mean if i transfer you they're probably not gonna pick up because they're so

busy okay we'll go back there and see if they have the tv machines i can't walk back there um

you're a lazy woman don't call this fucking store anymore okay you fuck you

you asshole. Did you say don't call this

fucking store anymore? She did.

You don't call this store

no more. Please stay

on the line while your call is transferred to

the operator. Are you ready to show some

respect now, sir? Yes, I'm sorry.

Okay, now what are you looking for?

We have the horsey cat. What was that?

Horsey cat.

Is that what it is? I'm not seeing it on the phone.

No, it's horsey cat. That's what it's called.

Okay, hang on.

You're going to make me respect now.

Thank you for calling.

Yeah, I can't stay and wait on hold for so long in that motherfucker, you know?

I'm sorry, sir.

What is it that you're looking for?

Uh, alright.

It's Horsey Cat.

It's advertised as being $29.99, the Horsey Cat machines.

Horse and cat machines?

Horsey Cat.

Rude as fuck.

Hey, don't say the fuck word, okay?

Excuse me, this is my mouth.

You little monkey.

You bastard.

Your mama.

Shit, you heard him.

cause she was saying fucking to me

milkman fucking shit she said to me

and I have a right to defend myself

please stay on the line

while your call is transferred to the operator

I'm sorry

hello

Man, that's the ghettoist

target I've ever talked to.

They're going to put me on hold again. I don't want to deal with it, Milkman.

Are you here, sir? Milkman? Mr. Milkman?

Hello? Milkman, sir?

Alright, here's the other target across town

and the other side of town.

Yes, I'm here. I'm here.

Where were you? What were you doing?

You didn't talk in the whole time.

Dumb, dumb.

That's what I was thinking.

Thank you for calling.

Sorry, Target Store.

Our store hours have changed for the holidays.

She was like, please stay on the line while your call is transferred to the operator.

Target on Garner 2.

Hey, are you ethnic?

What?

Sorry.

Are you an ethnic?

No.

Okay, good, good.

Listen, I was trying to see if you have Horsey Cat there still.

Wait, what?

Horsey Cat.

Do you have any Horsey Cat?

I'm not sure what you're talking about.

Horsey Cat.

My daughter keeps asking for Horsey Cat.

I guess the video shows Horsey Cat comes down and the kid's playing with a Horsey Cat.

It comes down and there's sparkles everywhere.

i do not know what you're talking about at all we were watching nickelodeon before

you know before we had thanksgiving dinner she said i want horsey cat and then i looked it up

and it says that it's for sale a target to advertise horsey cat is it in our black friday

ad do you know uh yeah yeah it's in the back somewhere okay if you hold on i can check look

for horsey cat i think that's pretty she just keeps asking me horsey cat horsey cat she's like

like one year old so she's like two well yeah you hold on i'll check she's 16 months she's real

stupid so she's looking are you there or you just got me on hold yeah not you you sound far away

anyway you little shit i'm back good oh yeah they make a big sandwich man and toast yeah i will

yeah and i'm gonna do that i'm gonna do that mashed potato sandwich too later

madhouse special what the fuck is horsey cat i don't fucking know man i think it's a cat with

with a horse's penis it's a stuffed cat with a horse's penis half horse half cat toy

yeah it's a it's a stuffed cat with a horse's penis attached to it

the fucking penis is like five times as long as a cat i just imagine this crazy japanese style

anime cartoon uh advertisement like oh oh it's got the it's got the cat ears and eyes and a real

you a long face? Why such a long

face?

Ma'am, what are you looking

for, please? Did you call me a ma'am?

I'm sorry, sir.

What can I help you with? God damn it.

Shit, ass, shit, fucking shit.

We lost him.

My golly.

That's a shame.

We got a fuzz line. Hang on. We'll try it again.

You guys just fucking lost me.

God damn it. Shit.

Thank you for calling.

Please stay on the line while your call is transferred to the operator.

I'm so upset she called me a man.

I called you a man.

Sorry, I'm going to help you.

Listen, you were looking for a horsey cat for me?

I can't find anything in our ad that sounds anything like what you're looking for.

The old lady who got on, she knew what I was talking about.

She did not, sir, because I am sitting right next to her.

Well, I got upset because she called me ma'am.

How dare she?

She did not know.

I was really offended.

She did not know I was talking to a guy.

Then you say, excuse me, or hello, who are you holding for?

She's like, hello, ma'am.

And she implied it, like, you know, hello, ma'am.

Okay, did you actually want to call to find a product?

Yeah, HorseyCat, because all I get is women who don't even know what to say to people

when they pick you up off a hold, and they don't know how to look in a computer system

for something that says HorseyCat.

I don't have a computer, sir.

All I have is an app.

Is there a man I can talk to?

A man or a manager

Because I can either give you a woman manager

Or a man

There's no W-O in manager

So let's get a man on the phone

Okay

Oh shit

This town's lively

They got red ass up in them man

Both targets in this town are like

Fuck you customer

I'll fuck you up

They hung up I think she heard me saying that

Fuck you

Customer motherfucker

motherfucker that's what they're saying over there right now this customer motherfucker called

milkman you're on mute again you horse get off of mute you dumb dumb lonesome losers here

motherfucker yeah speaking of motherfuckers yeah never mind he says i am not home so can't get any

numbers all right lonesome loser thank you thank you for contributing no thank you lonesome you

You take the night off, because now I'm a screwed motherfucker in a foreign motherfucking

morning, because you want to be out at your girlfriend's house.

Nah, it's okay.

I'm kidding.

Nunu calls me a horse and says to check my PM.

I did, Nunu, and you sent me a long fucking story.

Big, long fucking motherfucking story.

He says that was last week's message.

Hang on.

Here we go.

He sends me a link.

It says they have a president and a prime minister.

The president is an asshole.

Who?

Where?

I don't know, dude.

Hey, I'm getting ready to slice the pumpkin pie, dude.

Oh, good.

Yeah.

Does it have a crust on it?

Yes, sir.

What kind of crust?

Looks like it kind of like folded over, looking like light, light, like light yellow one.

Yeah.

All right.

Good, good.

Baked one, not one of the breadcrumb ones.

That's good.

I'm glad.

I hope you enjoy that, man.

You deserve it.

You've been really good this year with the eating.

You lost a lot of weight this year.

Okay.

All together, I lost 180 pounds, man, since I started losing weight, dude.

Ever since you got the AIDS.

Very good, man.

Oh, man, Sugar Aids will do it to you, bro.

You know, I mean, once you get that shit in your system, man, you're fine.

You're on borrowed time.

You'd be lucky if I'm here this time next year.

Sugar Aids will fuck a motherfucker up.

Thank you for calling the Columbia Garner Ferry Target Store.

I got it.

What in the hell does that thing keep saying?

Please stay on the line while your call is transferred to the operator.

Thank you for calling Target.

How may I direct your call?

Yeah, hi.

Hi, I was calling to see if you have the thing that's in the advertisement still.

The thing in the advertisement?

Yeah.

Can you be a little bit more specific?

What product are you looking for?

The number 12.

I'm sorry, is there a product that you're looking for?

It's number 12 on the list.

Sir, what list are you referring to?

The MyList that I printed out.

Okay, so if you can't give me a specific product, there's not a whole lot I can do.

We're not looking at the same list.

I think it's called the Horsey Cat.

Okay, that would be over in the toy section.

Okay.

Did you want me to direct your call to the toy section?

Is it a man that I'm going to talk to, or?

Is there a what?

Is it going to be a long time holding, first of all?

Well, we've got almost 400 guests in the store right now, so we are extremely busy.

That's so stupid.

How long, I mean, is there a manager around there that I can talk to?

You're speaking to the manager.

Oh, but you're a woman.

Oh, I'm a woman, so automatically I can't be a manager.

Thanks for your call tonight.

Well, you're just out of competition.

Boy, she's awful.

She's awful up in here.

Horsey Cat, the new toy, the sweeping, the fucking nation.

Yeah.

I want a Horsey Cat so bad.

Let's call the, I don't think the distribution center for Target's going to be open.

That'd be funny to call them.

Let's see if they answer.

Distribution center.

Come on, man.

They're out of Horsey Cat.

Hello, you have reached the Lugov Target distribution center job line.

We currently have no openings available.

Extension 3-5-0-0, please wait.

This shit ain't going to be open, motherfucker.

Yeah, if you do, tell them you're from Kmart and you're having a party.

Good evening, thank you for calling the Fast Distribution Center.

This is Kimberly, how may I help you?

Man, I went to two different Targets, and they're both out of Horsey Cat.

Sorry, who am I speaking with?

This is Eddie.

This is the Target Distribution Center.

Yeah, I know, you have all the Horsey Cats, they said.

You still had them there.

They need to get more from your place, they said.

Okay, hold on for one second.

Okay.

Very helpful.

Ask her if she wants to play Nerf football.

Ask her if she'd be like a receiver or a passer.

All right.

Hello?

Yes.

Yeah, so you said you've been to two Target stores?

Yeah, and they said Horsey Cat is sold out,

and so you have some in the back,

and the manager got in my face,

and he was putting his finger in my face and everything.

He said, you're a stupid customer like that, he said to me.

Then I went to the other Target store,

And the manager was nice, and she said that it's at the distribution center.

She looked in the computer, and she said that you were supposed to bring it.

I don't know what.

She didn't know what day, that you people were always slow at the distribution center,

that she couldn't make any guarantees, and that if I wanted, I could.

She's like, ask the distribution center because they take forever is what she told me.

So that's what I'm doing.

she said that if i you know she kind of said like yeah i was like why does it take so long to get

new horsey cats in and she said ask the distribution center ask corporate ask the distribution center

and i was like really sick oh they're assholes she said like that and what target um store was

this the one on columbia in columbia columbia garden fairy too much uh yeah which one was it

They're real nasty.

The one at the mall, the Woodhill Mall, close to the Woodhill Mall and Garner's Ferry.

Not Two Notch.

Two Notch is where I got into a fight with the manager, and they kicked me out.

Yeah, he got my face, and I shoved him, and he shoved me back and everything,

and there was a policeman there, and he was going to tase me.

Well, like, I pushed the cop, and I said, don't you dare tase me like that.

I said to him, don't you dare tase me like that.

And then he was on the ground after I shoved him, and I picked up my fist like I was going to hit him for real.

high up and he was like all right all right like that the pool the cop said and he got back up and

said i'm sorry for the misunderstanding mr cross he said and what was the product that you were

looking for horsey cat horsey cat yeah well sorry the process like you can't come to the distribution

to get that um product we have to ship it out i can come there though no you can't come here for

the product why not you know you can't buy anything here what if let's say what if one

One fell off the back of a truck on accident.

Hmm?

Well, let's say one of them just happened to fall off the back of a truck in the parking lot next to my car.

Well, the cars and the tractors aren't in the same parking lot.

Well, we can drive the tractor through, or I can go back in the tractor area.

You're a truck driver?

I have a license.

Oh, you do?

Yeah, but I got fired.

Oh.

Well, um...

What's up?

Yeah, you would just have to wait on the product to go back to the store.

What's up?

You sound hot.

hot you want to kick you why don't we kick it no thank you all right so you have a great day sir

so you do have a horsey cat though you just can't release horsey cat this is a distribution center

you couldn't buy it here yeah but wait till i get in but you're saying you definitely do have

the horsey cats you just haven't sent them to the store yet i don't i'm not sure what that is

go look in the back it's in the back somewhere look it up i can't just go in the back and

look up stuff yeah you can sure well sir you have a great day are you ethnic or i'm sorry what was

that are you ethnic why i just was wondering like if like if you go to the store to buy shampoo do

you go to the ethnics uh part well sir you have a great day okay all right thank you all right

The fuck am I talking about?

The ethnic...

The ethnic shampoo.

I don't know if you knew, Milkman,

but black people have special shampoos

that they have to use, or their hair

will catch on fire.

It can't catch on fire, yep.

Well, you know, I got really curly pubic hair.

Will it catch on fire?

That's disgusting. Thank you.

No, actually, mine's real long and straight, dude.

Okay, thank you.

It's fucking like four inches long.

Okay, shut up.

Thank you.

All right.

This place is called On Target Media.

It's about as long as I am wide.

Great.

Okay, man.

You're really having a good old time over there talking.

Hey, this is some good shit.

Getting him laughing.

Holy shit, this is really good.

So did you cook or did you steal?

Did you go to the shelter to get dinner?

What did you do?

No, dude.

I stood out.

I stood out here with a cup, and then I had a little bucket, and I kept waving at people

People are saying, you know, any Thanksgiving food will do, you know, or pennies.

And they just drop raw bacon in it and stuff?

People like threw like a couple pieces of bread in there.

You know, one guy had a half-eaten bag of potato chips, you know.

It was all right, man.

It was enough for about like five minutes when I had the munchies.

Man, if someone throws a bone in there, you can make a stew of bone broth out of it.

That's good eating.

Oh, hell yeah, man.

I was going to make hobo soup, man.

But, you know, the shoestrings, man, were just a little bit tough.

They needed to be cooked a little longer.

Yeah, and you need to put a white baby's femur in it.

There you go, and the placenta along it for flavoring.

That's disgusting.

Thank you for calling the South Target store.

Our store hours have changed.

Please stay on the line while your call is transferred to the operator.

This is purple.

This is like purple kush.

White Urkel.

Blackberry kush.

Oh, my gosh.

You talk good, man.

South Target can help you find something.

Yes, hello.

I'm looking for the horse cat.

Say that again?

I'm looking for the horse cat.

Horsey cat.

Duh.

Wait a minute.

You sound like you're doubling up.

Say that again.

I'm looking for horsey cat.

Horsey cab?

Cat.

A horsey cap?

Horsey cat, like a meow cat, and a horsey, like a moo moo.

A horsey cat.

Like the spaces, yeah.

Oh, what is that, a toy?

Fuck yeah.

It's a, yeah, it should be a toy, yeah.

My daughter keeps asking for it.

Your daughter?

Yeah, she's 16 months old.

She just keeps saying horsey cat.

She saw it on TV, and then I saw it on the car.

Let me see what I can do.

Hold on, okay?

Oh, my bitch.

Thank you.

Yeah, she keeps pointing at TV saying,

horsey, horsey, TV, horsey cat, horsey cat, TV.

It's a horsey cat.

TV, TV, horsey cat.

Give me a horsey cat.

It's not a side set.

My daughter is saying, horsey cat.

Like, all right, I'll get you a horsey cat.

Tell them she's autistic, man.

It's the only thing she's focused on.

I can't say that.

My wife will kill me if she hears me saying that.

Okay, let's go on with a better affliction.

She's got ADD.

She's got Down Syndrome.

16 months old and she's been diagnosed with ADD.

Come on.

Down Syndrome.

Yeah, I'm real.

I kind of look like Nae Nae.

Oh, God.

The fuck is a horsey cat?

Stupid.

I told you.

Stop.

kitty cat with a horse's penis and cat ears and eyes and a long face

like these big old teeth that's gonna be fucking scary you walk in the fucking penis and hang like

three feet off the shelf and then you find the cat what the fuck is this horsey cat

maybe cool the penis is like jointed like yes there's the yeah we don't have that it has like

this uh penis like that's jointed and every has like on three different joints you can move it

around. Yeah, I don't think

we sell that here because the girl that works in

toys, she went to look. She said, we don't have it.

It's a negative. Alright, now, do you have

Elephant Man? Hold on.

Okay. Dude, this sounds like

Omar or Tranny you got on the phone. We may be

able to take a new direction out of this.

Seriously. Move it to a new

direction after you do a couple more

chases. I'm going to keep making

her go after me. You got this, you got that. Oh, by the

way, are you gay too?

I'm going to make her go and just keep asking for stupid

shit.

A horsey cat, no.

A elephant, man, no.

I need another one.

Okay, what's toy number three?

We've got to come up with that.

King Vitamin.

That's the nastiest cereal.

King Vitamin.

Holy shit, I remember that, too, man.

They always said it was on wick.

Yeah, yeah, wick.

That cheese is good as fuck.

The cheese is good.

Hell yeah, man.

You can't go wrong with real cheese.

Any fucking time you have real cheese, not cheese food, not processed cheese food, not

cheese substitute.

We don't have that either.

We don't have Elephant Man.

No Elephant Man.

You don't have Horsey Cat.

You don't have Elephant Man.

We don't have Horsey Cat or Elephant Man.

No.

And the last one, do you have King Vitaman?

Hello?

All right, she's looking.

King Vitaman.

She's like, fucking, all right.

She's probably having to walk all the way to Toys.

every time i do this ask if they got a size two apple jacket oh my god yeah size two apple jack

hi i'm sorry what can i help you with yeah do you have king vitamin no we don't you don't have

horseman king vitamin or horsey cat no elephant man no all right do you have the logitech 22 380 xp

I think we are out of those.

Okay.

How many spaces do you have then?

To be honest, I'm not sure.

Okay.

You're not sure?

Is there a man I can talk to who might know how those things work?

What was your question one more time?

How many spaces do you have there still?

Spaces?

Yeah.

How many spaces and how many machines?

Maybe 12.

12 spaces or 12 machines?

Yeah.

Hang on.

Okay.

Go.

Unbelievable.

This is always the best night.

Oh, she hung up.

Never mind.

She's just, oh, damn.

She's on to it.

It's like, really?

Yeah, really.

How many spaces?

Horsey Cat.

What the fuck?

I made that poor lady go back and forth three times.

Horsey Cat.

That's funny.

Oh, shit.

All right.

Only on fucking Madhouse, dude.

Let's call a, how about we call a Toys R Us?

We'll ask them about Horsey Cat.

oh man brand new for the for the fall of 2013 christmas sale toys are a shopping center that

doesn't make any sense how do you have a toys or shopping center it must be fucking giant god

the kids need that many toys no man it's just it's a tribute to how fucking big a ripoff they

are man because who the fuck needs all that shit nobody i guess you need about one percent of it

and the other 59% is garbage

and then the rest is absolutely worthless.

Right, right.

I hear you.

All right, here's one in Florida

by old Stomping Grounds.

Let's do it, motherfucker.

Motherfucker bitch.

Doing the calls on the fucking...

When Toys R Us and Baby R Us serve,

we'll be closing at 10 p.m.

For store location, press 1.

To speak to Toys R Us, press 2.

To speak to Baby R Us,

please hold while your call is transferred.

And they're doing 24 hours straight, too, motherfucker, you hear that?

Try to think how a horsey cat sounds, man.

That's what the kid likes.

Sound.

If I saw a horsey cat in real life, I would shit my pants and go straight to the church

and say, hey, I'd like to confess my sins and also have my final rites.

Come on, you're at it.

I can listen to that thing, man.

It's the coolest toy.

Well, there ain't an answer in there, Milkman.

I'm not going to subject everyone to listen to the toys.

Don't do that, dude.

You should at least go pissed because that way you're fucking able to keep focused on the call.

The call.

Yeah, man.

The call.

All right.

Yeah, man.

All right.

That was good shit, man.

We're calling Big Star.

This lady's name is Starlicia.

Right now, man.

Starlicia is this lady's name, and she's looking for a house to rent.

Okay.

starlicious the starlicious are you starlicious as you look or you're starlicious you sound honey

no answer there from starlicious here's vagina a vagina who is has a nine week old male shih tzu

piece of shit puppy for sale nope fail you're calling in for it motherfucker okay moving right

along then let me take a look here see if i got any more requested pranks let me play a song also

Also, real quick here.

All righty.

We got plenty of requests to prankster.

Okay, in Oakland, we got another 7-Eleven machine.

I think we were supposed to call this last week, and the guy got pissed off.

Oh, Oak Town.

Fuck, man.

Yeah, man, they're hardcore over there, dude.

Oak Town.

Yeah, man.

Down in the boys' town, Oak Town.

It's a new fucking deal, man.

I'm not kidding you.

Yeah.

I'm up here playing around, dude.

They're in fucking places, and they in fucking G's City.

No kidding.

I think I called this guy Bhenchod last time, and he was all like,

Oh, oh, oh, Bhenchod, huh?

Like that, you know?

He had an attitude problem.

He had a big-time attitude.

7-Eleven, Nancy?

Yes, hello.

Is this Bhenchod?

Yes.

Oh, hi, Bhenchod.

How are you?

Yes, hello.

Do you have gasoline at the 7-Eleven or just food?

I'm sorry?

Do you have gasoline at the 7-Eleven or just food?

We don't have gasoline, sorry.

No?

Okay.

Do you have water?

Yes.

Shit.

We need to find out if they've got Papa Dom's or Garlic Naan.

How about Chicken Tikka Masala?

Yes, I'd like to make an order, please.

I'd like to order one Chicken Tikka Masala and two Garlic Naan.

I had no idea that was going to happen.

I'm sorry.

That's fine.

All right.

Someone here is selling a two-year-old Galaxy S2.

never dropped

kept in the case

the whole time

just upgraded

don't need extra phone

Galaxy S2

that's the last year man

that's two years ago

more than two years ago

I know

yeah but it was on sale

last year

remember they were like

pushing like

99 and shit

and 50

yeah

I think it's

discontinued by now

shit

stop pushing updates

to it

I know that

yeah

when it gets down

that far

it's gonna be

much longer

after a year and a half

What's up, Mr. Tom?

Yeah, listen, you put down you have a Samsung Galaxy S2?

Yeah, I guess I do.

Oh, because I'm doing the shopping right now, the Black Friday stuff.

What time are you open?

No, I just posted on Craigslist.

Yeah, I know.

So what time are you open?

I can come down there and look at the phone and buy it.

No, I'm not a store.

I'm just a private home.

Oh, that's very convenient.

Okay, so what time?

Are you trying to come by and pick up the phone?

Well, yeah, I want to pick it up and hold it for a little bit.

Yeah, well, I'm available tonight, I mean, if you want.

Does it have Angry Birds on it?

Oh, fuck.

Angry Birds, I don't want to talk about no Angry Birds.

It's like, fuck that, fuck that.

What do they think, do they have gingerbread on them?

They got gingerbread?

No, they have.

Hello?

Yeah, that doesn't have gingerbread on it, right?

It has, what does it have?

Does it got Jelly Bean?

I don't know.

It's got whatever the latest update is.

What's the Android number on it?

What version?

Is it 4?

It's 4, yeah.

4 what?

4.2?

I'm not sure.

Hold on.

Let me check real quick.

4.22?

That's a good one.

4.21 is okay.

4.23 is new shit.

You won't have that because it's an old piece of crap.

And what happened that we got disconnected before?

Yeah, I had 4.

I just upgraded, so.

No, but what happened that you disconnected the phone that I hung up on?

What happened?

Did you not like something that I did?

Well, it sounds like you're messing around, so I hung up on you.

No, I didn't mean for me.

It's just the way I come across.

I'm sorry.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

Geez, this is about to stir me up and hang me.

Did you find out yet?

It's 0.1.2.

Oh, no, no, no.

You need more gigabytes on that.

Okay.

Yeah.

Can you download some more RAM and then maybe I could try it?

No, I don't think that's possible.

All right, Horsey Cat out.

Thanks a lot, though.

Horsey Cat out.

I appreciate it.

Bye, Horsey.

You stupid.

HorseyCatOut.

He isn't into downloading RAM.

Most of these people are very, you know, they're so eager to please, man, that they'll allow

you to download RAM just to make the sale.

Isn't that considerate?

How much RAM can you download?

They'll allow you that.

I grant you RAM download.

And then the voice came like, boom, accept it.

All right.

Brad sent in some more layaway numbers and suggested we tell them they've been outbid on their layaways.

Like it's an option.

And this guy said he'd pay this much for it.

So we're going to go with that.

Of course he'd make us come up with that wrinkle.

That's awesome.

Good one.

This ought to be interesting.

Ken says you lose your deposit also.

You lose your deposit.

Out of here.

There is a restocking fee, too.

That sucks.

No answer.

That one.

Here's another one.

Here's for...

This one is for LaTanya.

LaTanya.

That ought to be rich.

There's no chance there's any ethnicity there, man.

That's a redhead.

She died of hair and got contacts.

Lonesome's girl jumping on the chat to tell me that they're actually engaged.

I didn't know those kids were engaged.

Oh, my God.

I'm excited.

You have reached the voice mailbox of 51020.

Shit.

Try them again.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Congratulations, you two.

Man, I take a lot of Ambien.

I take it every night.

I can't sleep without it.

It's bad.

I got problems, man.

I'm going to die.

I take drugs and everything to sleep.

It's bad.

Well, hell, man.

Man, you've got a problem with the ambient setting this way, dude, because you know how bad my sleep disorder is, man.

I still fucking cannot sleep.

You've got fucking...

You know, I've got sleep apnea.

You've got the fucking medical weed card.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, I do, but I mean, you can only fucking get so sleepy and it don't fucking work.

You can get weed that has ambient in it, probably, dummy.

Fucking dude, I tried everything.

I tried the strongest, sleepiest shit there is and it barely works.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

You put stuff on layaway?

i'm calling from the store machine from what place well i'm calling from and you put the

ice gel key sparkle ball on layaway here you put a deposit with uh three items yeah one of them is

the ice gel key sparkle ball yeah okay now that item was actually uh black black friday can you

you please not not now it was actually what not now with that baby okay um it was a black friday

special every time i try to talk i'm on speakerphone no i have my baby right here okay

you just put me on speakerphone hello i don't have your speakerphone what's the problem okay

listen the it was a black friday item this thing is and we sold out of it completely because it

It was only going for $5.99, including everything we had in the back room.

Your stuff hadn't been put in the bin yet.

Why wasn't my stuff held?

Just, we were kind of goofing around a little bit, you know.

We weren't really paying attention and stuff, so we forgot to put it back there.

And then, you know, Arlo gave it out on accident to his family member, came in and everything,

thing and he took it out and gave let them get it at the sale price you know so i'm gonna have to

but the deposit we i can't refund that it's like non-refundable but we're canceling y'all need to

give me my material no i pay for it i'm supposed to come pick it up tomorrow i don't care i put

my stuff on layaway the other day that's not my problem i want my item when i come to get up

tomorrow if you don't get the item on layaway like you're supposed to you get i have to pay

the deposit you didn't pay for the whole thing so i can't i can't the computer it doesn't matter

you it doesn't matter number one i put my stuff on layaway number two i paid to have my stuff

me held that's what you guys lay away for it's not my problem that y'all sold my stuff that's

not my problem when i come to pick it up tomorrow i want all my items all three items i put on

layaway i don't want to hear nothing else we're sold out of the ball you stupid asshole

wow

golly she got awful

feisty there man

just over a horsey cock

I'm like

sorry the computer won't let me take it

what am I going to do I can't fix it

oh my stop

unless you can talk to the Kmart

president I don't

maybe you can help me get his number I've been trying to get all of them

I got some ideas I want to run by him

alright here's Big Tammy

who gots a lot of clothes

Clothes.

Clothings.

Now we'll do the outbid thing.

That last one was just to give out your shit.

We'll do the outbidding thing here.

The new auction.

As you can see, I'm unavailable to receive your call.

So please leave your name.

There's a running theme here in the kind of people that pick up for these layaways.

I'm just pointing that out.

Uh, uh, yeah.

What up with that?

This girl's bitchy on her voice in my head.

her. She's like, obviously, I can't pick out your phone,

motherfucker. Give me a fucking message, motherfucker.

Listen to her. Hey, as you can see,

I'm unavailable to receive your call,

so please leave your name and

your telephone number. She's like a bitch, doesn't she?

Like, obviously, I can't pick up

your phone. Obviously, you're not important

enough. Alright, here's the last one we have

from this round of numbers. This one is

for Big Joy. We don't know what she put,

but Big Joy is not

my fault, Milkman. Hello, please

leave a message after the tone.

Oh, hi.

I'll be a weird

answering machine message when they check it.

Let me check again.

Let me try again.

Busy still.

Answering machine still has a hold of the shit.

Almost done with the first

third of my shit.

Not bad. I'll be taking a break here in a moment

to stretch legs and urinate, eat some

turkey, come back. We'll do some

one-life press.

Get that mashed potato sandwich, getting it together, baby.

Hello, please leave a message after the tone.

We're still going to be on for, we got another four hours of live show for me,

and then the rest of the Madhouse Network crew, Prank Call Network machine, takes over.

After that, for a full 24-hour block.

It's exciting. I'm so excited.

I'm not going to get any sleep tomorrow, man.

Man, and this is going to be bombed.

I'm going to stay here so long, man.

Okay, thank you, Brad, for sending in those numbers there that you did.

We appreciate it.

I appreciate it.

New print request here from Fizz Hiffy.

And he says, Richie from the radio.

Okay, Richie is a producer for radio from Help Morning Show.

And we have his number now.

I don't know if this is at the studio or what this is, but let's try it.

And that's not working.

Someone didn't put the plus code in their number.

Shit.

It's a difference.

No new voicemails.

Hey, it's me with you, too, from the radio from Hell's Show, also the cultural...

Fuck.

All right, move right along.

I got a bunch of requested pranks here.

I think we're okay for the time being.

I think Nunu sent in...

I think he wanted to call some kind of country, but I'm going to need help getting numbers.

Shit, man.

Tristan coming through with a number here in Australia for Hilda, who keeps playing Candy Crush on her iPad and her receipts get sent to him.

All right.

She must be an old lady who loves Candy Crush.

i've never played that but i i see all i think it is i think i look i think i i think i looked

at it all it is just like a like a cutesy little like like animated tiny like version of uh just

uh the three in the road game the same thing it's just all it is just be jewel fancy yeah well my

my nephew one one nephew he loves to play and then i know that uh i was in a doctor's office

office last week and there was an old lady she must have been like 70 years old and she was

playing it and the volume was blasting like really loud so all you heard was like

like really fucking loud so annoying she had her granddaughter with her and the granddaughter was

running around crying and everyone was annoyed loud loud people anyway hello we're not available

now please leave your name hello i'll try again it's getting warm in this room i'm gonna have to

probably turn the fan on

and change undershirts here.

I don't like this undershirt on.

Number's still busy.

All right, we got time for one more call here

before I take a break, I think.

See what we can get going.

Yeah, so far, beginning of the show's pretty good.

Here's Indian Place.

A Thiz Hiffy sends in another number from Thiz Hiffy

for a 7-11 with a bunch of Indians running it.

Okay.

And then he finishes his message by saying,

Bhenchod, our favorite Indian phrase

over here milkman oh yeah man so did you cook all that food that you had or i did i know i asked

you already but you didn't give me a straight answer yeah i cooked it but basically not from

scratch is a box set i just took a box set and put all the instructions and put all me up and

sat there and slid it around and that smoked up the house you added water no it was just a box

that was in the box all that you know mixing around slapping shit around that's it fifty

$800 for this shit.

Hello, is that 7-Eleven?

Hi.

Yeah, I'd like to make an order, please.

What's up?

I'd like to make an order.

Yeah.

One Bhenchod?

Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh.

One Ulu?

One Sister?

Hello.

Hi, who is this?

Yeah, I just wanted to make an order, please.

This is Eddie.

No.

This is 7-Eleven.

Yeah, I'm Eddie.

You're 7-Eleven.

Do you have gasoline here at this 7-Eleven or no?

No, we don't have a gas blender.

Okay, good, good.

Then I want to make an order for water.

Okay.

How much is your gallon of water?

We have one for like $1.99.

Okay.

You know what?

The water in the toilet is free.

What?

The water in the toilet is free.

Where?

In the 7-Eleven toilet.

It's free water.

The fuck?

You can drink it.

What the fuck are you talking about?

It's like India water.

Shit.

Yeah, exactly.

That's what it has in it.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Fuck you.

I heard people shit and piss in the streets over there.

Okay.

All right.

It's true, man.

They piss and shit in the streets and everything.

They cock a leaky right in the streets.

I think I was saying I'm going to hike a hockey, right?

I guess.

Out of cunt, man.

Don't flip in that.

888-278-8509.

You know what?

I hope that when you die, put your GPS in your box toward the bottom.

So when you die, you open up track toward the bottom.

You check the S, and you go straight to the hell.

Ghost Radio is back.

You're bigger than a woman.

You're better than alone.

Just be behind me.

I'm the best motherfucker ever.

Oh, Christ.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, everybody.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, guys, I'm back.

We have opened the GPS and sent you straight down to the hell.

Straight down to the hell, Milkman.

That's where we went.

Open the trapdoor in the abattoir straight down to the hell.

I don't know where that came from.

All right, Milkman, Black Devil, also known, huh?

Hey, I can't do all that shit.

I just got to do my smart version.

All right, well, thanks for tuning in, guys.

Thanks for hanging in there with me for the first of many hours of prank.

Well, yeah, for the first few hours of fun to go.

First of two awesome hours.

All right.

If you're just joining us, it is a live Thanksgiving show.

It is now 12.15 a.m. Friday, Black Friday morning on the East Coast.

It's still 9.15 p.m. over on the West Coast, Pacific.

It's like 5.15 in the morning in Britain, where we may be calling later.

In a little bit, we'll be opening up the lines, I suppose, for our Madhouse friends to start joining in.

And that'll be the real beginning, right, of the ramping it up.

Because then people are going to start taking over left and right, dropping in and out of conferences.

It's going to be really cool, Milkman.

I hope nobody flakes out on us.

Hopefully we keep it alive.

This is an interesting adventure.

Well, you see, now you get your chance, kids.

So have fun, man.

Make us proud.

And it's a good chance for everyone to promote their prank calls and their stuff.

Everybody's shows and all that.

Make us proud, man.

Do us right, man.

In the right way.

Dialer will be starting that in less than four hours with his next show,

which is going to be on for about two hours before he goes to work.

And the Nice Goose and Sloth will be rounding out the early morning hours.

Okay, well, moving right along, let's get to some more prank calls.

Going back to the Madhouse Request a Prank email box,

which you can send a request a prank yourself over at madhouselive.com.

you can use that uh request a prank service send a request straight to my inbox here which i will

get and make my best attempt to get them to uh to get them to pick up all right whitney houston

we have a problem sends in a number for kurt who is his best friend and he smokes a lot of pot

pretend to be a drug dealer who's reaching out to new clients so that sounds illegal but we'll

call him anyway we'll say something funny we'll have fun with it maybe we'll ask what was the

a stupid toy I made up? Horseycat?

Yeah. Yeah, Horseycat.

If you're just joining us, I pranked a bunch

of ghetto-ass Target stores

asking about

a...

You've nailed the goldmine of ghetto stores, man.

That's for sure. I didn't think Target got

ghetto. I didn't think that was possible. That's like

the gap.

That's like calling the gap and getting like, what are you doing?

Dude, what do you think...

I'm France. There you go.

I'm France. Hello? Yes, hi.

Is that Kurt?

Yeah, who's this?

Oh, this is Eddie.

Hey, you want to meet at the La Quinta Inn?

We can smoke some marijuana.

Who's this?

Oh, this is Eddie.

Eddie Cross.

Who?

Eddie Cross.

I don't know you.

Yeah, I know you.

Someone said that maybe you'd be into maybe coming by my room and we could play massage.

Okay, who is this?

And we could play horsey cat.

No, I'm not.

You're not into that, playing horsey cat?

Do you like being the horse or the cat in the relationship?

relationship i don't know you know do you like the horse or the cat the cat i guess what's your

favorite part on the man my favorite part of what the man on the man i dude i don't like guys yeah

but i mean even if you don't like them you have a favorite part right uh i don't know think about

it what do you like that men's hair what's the nicest part you like okay it's okay just tell

if it's cool i'm not gonna tell anybody what part are you into no all right is it the lips you

Do you like men's mouths?

No, I don't like anything about it.

You don't like any men's mouths.

Okay.

Do you like a nice jaw structure?

Sure.

Okay, there you go.

That's it.

Okay.

I see what you're into.

You like jaws.

Who gave you my number?

Nice chiseled faces.

Uh, Brad Carter did.

You just made up a name.

What'd you say?

Brad Carter.

Yeah, see, I don't know who that is.

Okay, well, he gave me your number, so.

Okay, and who are you?

I'm Eddie.

Eddie Cross.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Nice to know.

Nice to talk to you.

Uh-huh, thanks.

Alright, see you later, buddy. Bye.

That was nice. Okay, good.

Alright.

We already called Richie,

who did not answer at the radio station.

That last guy over there.

Sounded pretty homo.

Sounded? I don't know about that.

Alright, we already called Hilda, right? What was Hilda?

The lady who keeps playing Candy Crush

on her iPad. She didn't pick up. The bitch.

Uh, okay.

Okay. I'm gonna have to go back

to the good old Google Maps

and see what I can

near myself

thinking here. Maybe a

diner? I think a diner.

Diners are open right now, right?

Like Denny's and shit. Those motherfuckers

don't close, I'm pretty sure. And then I can

delve into some older

numbers that I have

to the

UK. I got a nice

list here I think I can hit up

in just a few minutes.

Alright, we're calling Denny's, guys.

Let's do it.

Thank God you're open, motherfucker.

Hello?

Yeah, thank God you're open, motherfucker.

We should have lost that one rather quickly, abruptly.

She's like, oh.

I don't think she quite got it, man.

I think you better call her right back.

Thank you for calling Denny's.

I'm Nicole.

Would this be to go to?

This is to go, yeah.

Okay, and you know which Denny's you're calling?

Yeah, on iDrive.

Boo.

There's five of us on iDrive, sir.

76-60.

My iPhone knows everything, and it takes me exactly where you are.

I like that one.

My iPhone knows everything.

Okay, go ahead.

She knows you got big pubic hairs.

I wanted to make an order for one eggs.

One egg?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Okay, one bread.

How did you want your egg cooked?

With heat.

I'm sorry?

Heat, with heat.

I don't have time for games, okay?

She knew I said that.

Where did she go, man?

They must be at a Black Friday sale over there.

I said the pubic hair thing.

She was already like...

I like that, though.

It was cool, man.

iPhone knows everything.

It does, fucker.

and tell her, say, hey, take me over to this motherfucker.

And it does.

It takes you to that motherfucker.

Thank you for calling Denny's.

Can I help you?

I'd like to make an order for takeout, please.

Hello?

All right, I'll call back.

She thinks she can just put the phone on hold without telling me she's going to do it.

Thank you for calling Denny's.

This is Alex.

Can I help you?

Yes, I'd like to make an order, please.

And the girl didn't say anything.

I'm sorry?

The girl didn't say anything when I said I wanted to make an order.

Can I make an order?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

One eggs.

Okay.

Okay, one bread.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, one starch.

Mm-hmm.

One potatoes.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

She sounds like she's getting down on it, man.

Mm-hmm.

A-hummin' a-hummin' a.

Uh-uh-uh-uh.

Oh-ma-gum-a.

That's what she's saying.

Ha-ha.

Oh-ma-gum-a.

All right.

Mm-hmm.

Calling another one.

My egg's cooked with heat.

Yeah.

Yes.

This is Mike.

I help you.

Oh, you waited for a second there when you first picked up.

You hesitated when you first picked up the phone?

Yes, what can I do for you?

Oh, why did you hesitate? What happened?

When you picked up the phone, you hesitated before you said your name, and how can I help you?

No, I was just taking a deep breath.

Okay, that's it? Okay.

All right, I wanted to make an order. Takeout order, please.

We're not doing over-the-phone orders right now, so if you want, you can come in and get it, and we can get it for you right away.

Oh, shit, damn it. Can you look at the menu? Just tell me how much it is, then.

One eggs?

$1.89.

Okay, one bread.

One what?

One bread.

Bread is $1.89 as well.

Okay, one potatoes.

What kind of potatoes?

Cooked potato.

$1.99.

Okay, let's see here.

One heat.

I'm sorry?

Heat.

One more time.

Heat.

Beef?

Heat.

Steak or?

No, like heat, like warmth, heat.

Cheese?

Heat.

I'm sorry, I can barely understand you.

Oh, one meat.

One meat.

Yes.

Like a sausage?

Um, whatever you want.

it one means we can add on 99 times okay all right let's see one sodium chloride

that would be okay you don't have sodium chloride no what do you season your

stuff with liquid margarine sodium chloride you know what that is oh you

don't know you're so stupid yeah you don't know you don't sell salt do you

can't give me salt there's something I can do sir I'm quite the jury now one

needs one horsey cat again I can't take over the phone if you'd like to come on

down here and we can take care of that, okay?

Okay.

Whatever. Fuck that guy.

Don't laugh at my jokes. Don't get mad at me

harassing him.

All he has to do is slip a salt packet in. Come on, Chance.

Fuck him for keeping his composure.

I'll get a fucking salt packet.

How dare he keep his composure with me?

I connected in the silence.

I think I disconnected the cable.

That's why. Whoops.

Did they answer?

Thanks for calling.

I called just now

and I didn't hear anything when you picked up.

Um, okay, is this going to be a to-go order?

Yeah.

Okay, what can I get you?

All right, one eggs.

Hey, how would you like it cooked?

With heat.

I'm sorry?

Heat, with heat.

Scramble with cheese?

Heat.

Sorry, can you repeat that?

Cook it with heat, like propane or electric heat.

I don't know what you have there.

I'm sorry, I'm having a hard time understanding you.

I don't know if you have propane or electric heat there for your stove and your cooking material.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, you cook it with heat?

Yeah, I want my eggs cooked with heat.

Okay, do you want them like over easy, sunny side up, scrambled?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I just need eggs cooked with heat.

I don't know.

Eggs cooked with heat?

Here we come with the upgrades.

What do you need?

I'm sorry, how can I help you, sir?

Well, you're trying to push upgrades on me and stuff.

I'm just asking for one order of eggs cooked with heat.

Cooked with heat?

Yes.

How did you want it cooked with the heat?

to the correct internal temperature length of time so as to kill any food you have an actual

order that you wanted to place sir yeah one eggs one bread one meat one egg and one bread with heat

uh one meat all right i'm gonna go get my manager for you hold on just one second all right thank

you honey jesus christ about canned heat candy that's a real thing though yeah i know

there's that spray that you put on your windshields called heat a g e t yeah

all it is is alcohol dude yeah i know you can just put that you can put um like

or you can put you can put isopropyl alcohol in your um windshield washers and use that too

not i don't know how that would really work with the rubber because it is alcohol

alcohol i would probably just use on the windshield you do a mixture you don't you

don't do straight up yeah i suppose you diluted enough probably yeah yeah it's i saw it online

it said you know for every however big your reservoir is you put this much isopropyl in it

when you fill it up oh man waiting for the manager guys hang on standby we got more requested pranks

coming in we got about two or three new ones uh thank you all of you who are sending those in

much appreciated we got new news stuff that he wants us to do but he knew like sends in like

long stories. I'm doing a show.

I can't just start reading this shit.

He sent Apple Bloom, a UK brony

who missed the last train back to London

and put salt on slugs.

Okay. Alright. Yeah.

Okay. Waiting for the manager at the Denny's

where we've ordered, what? Eggs?

Cooked with heat?

One bread, one meat.

One meat. And there was one more

thing I ordered already. I haven't ordered

potatoes yet. Or starch.

What starch?

You used to order bacon grease too,

remember oh yeah man a cup of bacon grease yeah man the other jack out there it is thanksgiving

man you know after all jack does appreciate thanksgiving if you eat if you eat butter on

bread you can you can butter your bread with bacon grease it's the same she's just rendered

fat it's just instead of coming from milk fat like butter it's coming from skin fat from a pig

no you know milk fat yeah for but yeah exactly that's all it is is the same fucking concept

Rendered fat.

Just one comes from the skin of the animal.

The other one's coming from a different mammal's milk.

yeah i wanted to make an order okay i'm sorry

you should go right ahead okay uh one eggs okay okay how would you like that cooked with heat

goodbye sir

I don't hold that long for that

Mother

I got a lot of time for this shit

It's fucking busy right now

Tell her in a pan

Or on the grill

One scrambled eggs with cheese please

Okay

Does that come with toast or selection

You want one scrambled egg with cheese

It doesn't come with anything

One egg beaters

Do you have those

we do okay yeah one of those one scrambled egg with cheese one egg beaters uh scrambled

and one egg beaters sunny side up sir you can't do egg beaters

is this a serious order because we're extremely busy okay you do it they're eggs you just crack

the egg bye sir goodbye egg beaters you're extremely hungry

for those of you who don't know egg beaters are low they're like low low cholesterol pre-beated

eggs in a carton are they eating real eggs i think they're like i think they're watered

they're like water and soy i think they have some egg in them they got some shit in it besides egg

they trust it's filler material it's like half egg half not that's why they say low cholesterol

because it's like 50% cholesterol

or something.

It's Frank Peters and he's

playing up. I've got to do that again.

That was the good one.

That's the best I've ever done.

I've got to call another one and ask for that.

Alright.

That'll teach you to sell egg beaters.

This one's down by Disney.

Funny enough, I'm only

calling the Denny's in Orlando that I remember

going to when I lived down there.

That last one was one that's right by Universal

Studios. I spent

spent plenty of drunk night at that Denny's after partying at CityWalk. I don't think that one's

open. We'll have to try a different one here. Here it is. And it's right. She did say they

have five of them on International Drive. Orlando's like that, dude. Look, I remember my

trip to work. All right. I had, let's say, a 20-minute commute from home to work. And the

only reason it took so long was because of traffic. It wasn't far. But I would pass,

i think i counted it was five burger kings six mcdonald's uh four subways three taco bells you

know just on this one route you had junk street in orlando no it's like that it's the per capita

has the most fast food restaurants uh per capita than any other uh city in the united states any

other metropolitan area in the u.s uh but not no kid dude like you could literally like i never did

did it but i always thought it'd be cool like to go to one of them and get a drink and then to go

to another one and get the sandwich go to the other one get the fries you know what i mean like

put together a whole meal you know use like about a half gallon of gas yeah yeah well i would figure

if you got you could get like a big mac first eat your big mac on the way to the next one

then get the fries right while you're walking there and exercising and all yeah you're finishing

you'd show up yeah actually yeah if you walked think about it milkman if you walk yeah you

right good idea exercise right and by the time you get there you've done ate it yeah so you

exercise so you're not that full yeah it's a good idea all right thank you for calling

hey honey i wanted to make an order please certainly what can we get for you tonight

i wanted one egg beaters i wanted the sunny side up we don't do egg beaters don't get done sunny

side up it's a looks an egg white well you just yeah you just instead of you know mixing it

together and scrambling it you just put it right on there you want an almond style you want like

like fried, like an omelette shell.

No, no, sunny side up, like the yolk and the white is,

the yolk's in the middle, like a circle,

and the whites go all around it.

Okay, that's an up egg, that's not an egg beater.

Yeah, but I can't have eggs, I had the cardiac thing,

so they said I had to use, I'm looking at the diet list,

and it says egg beaters, it said they can be substituted

without any problem, it says.

Yeah, that's just, it's going to be, it's liquid egg white,

it's just cooked like you would fried,

it's just fried like an omelette shell.

It shows a picture of it, and it has a sunny side up.

It's big picture.

Well, it's in the American Diabetes Association pamphlet I got.

Okay.

Yeah, it says egg beaters.

But again, that picture, I know what you're talking about.

It says the regular egg is shown.

All right, then just one egg beaters, and then I need another regular eggs.

Okay, are we doing this as a build your own slam, or is this all going to be all a card?

All a card, because I don't know.

Yeah, I got a buffet card.

Okay, buffet card we don't honor.

Yeah, but it's from the cruise ship.

Okay, we don't honor that.

Okay, that's fine.

I'll just pay for it.

Okay, all right.

Whatever, I'm an airline pilot.

It doesn't matter.

Okay.

All right, okay.

And let's see, one bread.

So we're doing an order of egg beaters, fried like an omelet shell, an order of regular eggs.

How are the regular eggs?

Cooked.

Cooked how?

With heat.

Cooked over easy?

No, with heat.

No, cooked how as in the regular eggs.

How are they being?

How would you like those cooked?

like you cook them on heat so they get to attempt like electric heat or gas heat i don't know what

you have there okay how are you wanting the eggs cooked scrambled over easy over hard however it

takes thoroughly so all the full foodborne illnesses you know won't be in it and all that

you know the correct internal temperature for the extended amount of time required okay sir yeah i'm

safe serve safe certified i i'm aware of that and so are my employees yeah i would hope so okay

Is this a legitimate order or are you just cranking me?

No, it's legitimate.

The egg beaters, you got those?

I got the order of egg beaters.

I have an order of bread.

What kind of bread would you like?

Like toasted.

What kind of toast, sir?

With heat.

Toasted with heat like in a toaster.

Again, what kind of toast, sir?

White wheat, sourdough, rye?

You know, I don't know.

Just one bread.

I don't know why you have that.

Okay, I'm giving you options.

I don't want to do any upgrades to it.

Again, there's no upgrades.

This is how it comes.

I'm giving you options.

I'm asking what you would like.

That's nice, honey.

Okay, one potatoes.

Would you like hash browns, red potatoes?

I like them cooked, you know, raw, seasoned.

Okay, again, I'm giving you choices and you're giving me a runaround.

One starch.

Okay, again, I'm hanging up the phone if you...

One vegetable.

All right, I'm hanging up the phone because you're not hearing me, sir.

One scrambled eggs with cheese.

One breakfast sausage.

And you sound like a fruit.

One fruit bowl.

Thanks, Milkman.

I was going to get him back.

I was reeling him back in.

Thank you.

He just wanted to be homophobic and make a homophobic statement.

Why don't you invite him to go to the Castro with you, since you're so into it,

where they walk around with their penises hanging out.

I know, man.

I heard that phone crackling, man.

So I thought I'd throw that in there.

He never heard it anyway.

Oh, okay.

Anyway.

With their peckers hanging out of their pockets, Milkman.

There you go.

Better, yeah.

All their shirts are out.

Put penises on all the computers there in that area where you live.

Thank you for calling Denny's. This is Teresa. Will this be a carry-out order?

Yeah, honey.

Okay.

How are you, honey, baby?

I'm fine.

Alright, you sound hot.

I take you in. What's your name?

Oh, this is Eddie.

Eddie?

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm on vacation.

Oh, yeah? Where are you from?

Oh, well, from Philly. I'm here with my mistress.

Oh, how cool.

Yeah, that's cool. I want to make an order.

Okay, what are you going to have?

One eggs.

How do you want your eggs?

Cooked with heat.

What's that?

What?

Cook with medium heat to an internal temperature of 130 degrees, sustained for 18 minutes.

Okay, cool.

Okay.

Yeah.

One breakfast meat, preferably from, like, pork breakfast meat.

Hold on one second.

Okay.

Give me a piece.

Goes to Orlando with their misker.

I'm here for you.

God damn it.

She's asking what kind of breakfast meats you got.

I don't know.

Thanksgiving.

Yeah.

I left my family home in Pennsylvania, though.

Go to Orlando with my mistress on Thanksgiving.

She was into me, you heard her say.

Oh, yeah, I think I'm hot.

Dude, she was like, you could have picked her up, man.

She was working on you already on the phone, dude.

She's down, man.

Seriously, man.

He's not hot.

You didn't say mister.

He's not hot.

That's really good.

I'm here with my mister.

Oh, they're just going to keep me in the background there like I'm a monkey asshole piece of shit.

I'll call different Dannys.

I don't give a fuck.

Here's one in downtown Orlando.

This is Brennan.

Can I help you?

What's taking you so long?

I'm sorry?

I want her to make an order, please.

Okay.

All right, one egg.

One egg?

Yep.

Okay, how would you like it cooked?

130 degrees, sustained internal temperature for 18 minutes.

Okay, now, do you seriously want to take an order, or do you want to call back when you're ready to order?

I'm surf-safe certified.

Okay.

Because I'm not going to take the order down.

All right.

What's she saying, this stupid little bitch?

Hold on for one second.

Okay.

Just kept saying, put him on hold, put him on hold, fucking bitch.

Stupid little bitch.

I'll call the other one while I'm waiting.

I ain't got time for that.

Yeah, and then when they come back, you know, on the line, we'll have them on line, too.

They're faxing your number everywhere right now.

All the Denny's in Florida have got your number.

I'll take calls from this man.

Yeah, click.

Denny's family.

Hey, honey, how are you, baby?

I'm good.

I want to make an order.

Okay.

All right, this is the gay Denny's, right?

Huh?

This is the gay Denny's?

No, why?

I just want to make an order, just to make sure it was friendly.

Okay.

All right.

Is your staff ServSafe certified?

What would you like?

Are they ServSafe certified?

What are you talking about, sir?

Yeah, you're pretty dumb.

I wanted to make an order for one eggs.

Okay.

It's okay.

Click.

Yeah, he didn't like that dumb comment.

I don't know what that is.

It is dumb.

I don't know what that is.

What is that anyway?

Is that like a medical card for Florida restaurants?

It's a certification that you took a four-hour class on.

Yeah, medical card.

They call that medical card here and other places, different things.

It's on not mixing chicken with other surfaces.

That's all it is.

It's like that and...

Hey, honey, baby, I wanted to make a to-go order.

Hold on just a second.

All right, honey.

Okay, what would you like?

One egg.

How do you want your egg?

Cooked.

Excuse me?

Cooked.

Okay, how would you like them cooked?

Scrambled, over easy, over medium.

No, that's it.

Just cooked.

You said which one?

That's just cooked.

No, just cooked.

That's all I want.

That's what I'm saying.

Eggs come a certain way.

Do you want them scrambled, over easy, over medium, sunny side up?

Oh, how I want them cooked, you mean?

Yes.

Oh, with heat.

You turn on the stove.

I know that, but how do you want the eggs cooked?

Do you want them scrambled, over easy, sunny side up?

How do you want them cooked?

As long as they don't have, you know, any bacteria in them, then I'm okay.

You know, you just have to cook and clean the surface, you know, before and after and wash your hands and everything before you have to go to the...

Okay, sir, sir, I'm asking how would you like the eggs cooked?

Scrambled, over easy, over medium, sunny side up, poached, how?

Like this right here, like it shows right here.

I don't know what you're looking at, sir.

Oh, it's from...

Well, you know, with the little yellow thing in the middle.

So you want them sunny side up?

Well, the yellow thing's in the middle.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

I don't know what you're saying.

I don't know.

Maybe it's an African thing or something.

I don't know.

Hold on just a second, sir.

Okay.

What?

Yes, Jackie, can I help you?

Oh, I wanted to make an order, but that African boy doesn't understand, I don't think.

Okay, it is the African boy.

Okay.

Okay, and he's asking you how do you want your eggs.

We don't see the picture that you see.

All right, well, I wanted one eggs cooked with heat.

You want eggs cooked with meat.

With heat.

eat that isn't telling me how you want your eggs sir either you want them sunny side up or you want

them scrambled or you want them over easy um well you know how it is when you combine the yolk and

the white together you know you combine the yellow and the white together on every piece of egg you

get whether it's sunny side up or whether it's scrambled okay well which one do you think i'm

talking i'm seeing here i don't know i don't know what you're saying we got millions of pictures

out there i don't know what you see if you want it runny then we'll do it sunny side up

Oh, I just, uh, I just just scrambled since you people can't handle it.

Who is you people?

Uh, you, uh, urban kind of people, you know?

No, it is no urban kind of people.

Oh, okay.

I, I didn't know.

I'm not, I can't see you.

I don't know if you don't understand.

Yeah, and I can't see you either, but it isn't making any sense for you to be rude.

Oh, well, I don't see color.

Uh, you know, you sound like a house, you know, a sellout, you know, like an uncle,

Aunt Jemima, uncle, hack the chief head or something.

Okay.

I'm glad I got your number.

so by the time you get here i will have the police here whatever i'm a field i don't care

i'm a field i don't give a fuck okay good come on and get your food then come on all right listen

one bread mammy okay she's gone and your mama wasn't too happy you should have said that one

pancake man i've been happy man he's like come on partner come on i thought you missed battle

up share my speakerphone i think she like went back and got into like a boxing stance come on

She put her hands up real high

Come on, come on, motherfucker

Come on

You don't mess with me, but I will

Now

Oh, man

I gonna mess you up, man

You gonna get all sticky

I get through with you

You guys are probably getting tired

But they're reacting so well to this stupid fucking thing

Yeah, one eggs, cook or eat

How do you want them?

Anyway

Anyway, I've been told by people

that work in places like that, they get that

all the time, like, how do you want

your eggs cooked? Ha ha ha, great joke.

They usually drop it

after the first time.

I'm keeping it going.

Okay,

asshole, it's not fun anymore.

I've heard it a thousand times in my career here.

I don't want your fucking eggs.

How are you going to cook eggs without

heat? They're just stupid. They don't ask you

what recipe you want it.

What recipe do you want? They're going to say how you want it.

They don't say what recipe.

That's actually a recipe.

You can cook it with UV rays.

There you go.

I'm going to ask one of them to have the recipe.

This is Rosby.

Can I get you some water today?

Yes, it will, sir.

What can I get for you today?

Let's see.

Do you have the recipe for ice there?

What can I get for you today?

One ice.

Okay, you bet.

Goodbye.

That is brilliant.

How about the recipe for boiled water?

Frozen boiled water.

How's that?

That's the recipe for ice, isn't it?

That's the recipe for ice.

Frozen cold water.

I don't make a water gas.

Oh, God.

Water gas.

Salt water.

I could ask for that.

The recipe for salt water.

Salt and water.

Oh, God.

That's just not good.

We can't speak for you.

My name's Susie.

This is Nature speaking.

Is this the order?

Yes, sir.

Damn, I'm going to hit the Xanax of that tape.

God damn.

she's been eating them like tic tacs or something

maybe she's doing mushrooms like you like to do mushrooms you eat

she'd be going like

like yahoo that's fucking xanadu shit there xanax or fucking xanadu isn't that scientology shit

yeah xanadu all right i'm calling her back she's taking too long maybe because i called her sir

she's like i'm gonna put him in the back of the line take care of all these motherfucking

customers first i hear you man can you hear me yep yeah we drop yeah we drop earlier i was hearing

I started hearing that Russian sound.

Is there any chance that your mic cord or anything got like a tiny short or you ran over it or anything?

It might.

I think I ran over it, yeah.

All right, okay, because it ever comes and goes.

But it sounds like when you move around, so that's why I was just wondering.

I'm going to have to get a new one.

Okay, I looked at it, and it looks like it was going to hold up.

Well, it might be getting close.

That's all I'm saying.

It might just tie a knot before it or something, so it won't be.

Restart that here shortly.

It's reaching its limit.

Oh, I was about to hang up.

Thank God you're open, right?

Yeah.

Can I make an order?

Yeah, just give me one second.

I'll finish what I was doing.

I'll be right back, honey.

Oh, are you busy, honey?

Um, slightly.

Oh, God.

That's a poor thing.

Just give me one second.

I've got to finish putting these orders in.

All right.

Then I'll talk to you.

Sorry about that.

What would you like?

Hey, what's up, hottie?

I want to make an order for one eggs.

Okay.

I want them cooked.

How do you want them cooked?

With heat.

Okay, if this is a joke, I'm busy.

No, really.

Really, I just need to make sure they go to the proper temperature, you know, like good heat.

How do you want them cooked, over easy, over medium, over hard?

Do you know the little yellow thing in the middle?

Okay.

Sir, I'm really busy.

I don't have time for jokes.

No, I don't know what it's called.

It's where you look at it.

The yolk?

Yeah.

That's how I like it, with the yolk, you know, the yellow thing.

So you want it like over medium?

Yeah, whatever.

Whatever it takes, as long as it's not going to get me sick, you know.

So what do you want, just two eggs?

Okay, yeah, and then one egg beaters.

I want those over easy.

Okay, you have a great day.

Wow, I want egg beaters.

What's so far-fetched about egg beaters?

She sounds like she's about to collapse.

Poor thing.

I'm sitting here talking about the stupid shit there.

Oh, shit.

Tell them you want them hot.

You can say hot.

Boiled ham water.

Boiled frozen water, milkman.

You got to freeze it first and boil it.

Yeah, boiled frozen water, man.

That's the recipe for ice.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've frozen boiled water a few times.

What's the recipe for ice, then?

Is that your recipe for ice?

Yeah, it's hard to make ice.

The only time I need ice is when the power goes out and I forget the recipe.

I try to make it in the fridge.

Thanks for calling, Danny.

Come on, would it be a takeout order?

Yeah, that's all right with you, sir.

Okay.

What if it wasn't a takeout order?

What's the option?

Maybe you could take them out because that one chick wanted to go out.

What'd you tell her?

Yeah, you missed her.

Yeah, so I fucked that up.

She was down, man.

She was looking for some Thanksgiving turkey bone.

Boy.

Yeah, bone out or bone in?

I bet you want the bone in, don't you, honey?

I like my chicken bone in.

My turkey bone in.

This is going to take so long and shit.

All right, I'll call a different place while we wait on that motherfucker.

I got more requested pranks to get to.

Also, don't forget that, Milkman.

Here, in the meantime, here's another Denny's.

I'm starting to get tired of these, so this will probably be the last one that I dial.

Hey, we're calling Denny's, David.

How may I help you?

What is the egg called?

Excuse me?

What is the egg called?

I wanted to make an order, a takeout order.

Say again?

I wanted to make an order, a takeout order.

What about it?

I wanted to make a takeout order.

Oh, okay, gotcha.

Holy shit.

Sorry, phone's a little staticky.

Let me see if there's another phone around here.

Hey, the employee's a little staticky.

I think he came back right at the end there.

Shit.

I'll try him again.

I got a whole bunch of requested pranks.

Let me get to those.

Okay.

He didn't answer the second time.

Here are gas stations in Columbus, Ohio.

Look, man, you're a big fan of Columbus, Ohio.

This is...

Columbia's, man.

Yes, man.

Let's call up your man at the studio, man.

What the hell happened to him, man?

Is he still out on your list?

Is he missing?

Is he in Hollywood?

Where'd he go, man?

Let's call make-to-go orders for Gasoline Milkman if anybody wants to call in and join the sky

Hey buddies or the gas station. I'm sorry. This is gas station machine. Yeah, I wanted to make an order one gasoline

Okay

okay black and mild black and mild all right i'll call it up for my wallet wait for that guy to buy

his black and mild so he can empty the tobacco and smoke marijuana out of it malcolm that's what

they do hey boy i wanted to make an order for gasoline one gasoline maybe because i called

them boy right all right calling a different one here all right well here we are moving right along

for this and we got one who has us on hold in the background the other two did not well the other

one answered and hung up real quick we got a text message back milkman from someone who says yes

with a question mark yes i don't know what that means is exactly what they said you're right yes

very good that's exactly what they said you're smart can't get one by you okay people want us

to call zappos okay and they give us a skew two skew numbers to have them look up all right cool

we'll call zappos put zappos in our day man that guy's still back here ordering a spleef

Thanks for allowing the Zappos Customer Loyalty Team to put a little Zappos in your day.

My name is Kim, and I'm here to assist you.

Please text 1 for new orders.

Oh, I had 5. What's that mean?

Hi, my name is Adron, and I'm here for the Customer Loyalty Team here at Zappos.

Here's your joke of the day.

Oh, cool.

Why did the man eat at the bank?

He wanted to eat rich food.

Fucking stupid fucking shit.

Thanks for allowing the Zappos Customer Loyalty Team to put a little Zappos in your day.

I get so mad when people are happy.

Thank you for holding.

For quality assurance, this call may be monitored or recorded.

My name is Joyce.

How may I assist you today?

Hey, big guy.

How are you doing?

My name is Joyce.

I'm a female.

Oh, hey, big girl.

How may I help you?

I wanted to see about a SKU number, getting a look at that, seeing what details you can

give me on it, and a big fat ass you can put in it.

Okay.

We'll call you back.

I can look through it for you.

Hang on.

Let me disconnect these stupid Indian jerks that are talking in the background.

I won't shut up.

Hey there, you hear me now?

Yeah, what's the SKU number?

774-1002.

Thank you.

All right.

Chicken.

Okay.

I'm sorry?

Chicken.

What did you get with that SKU?

It's a Big Angus horse thief.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's like a real horse, right?

No, it isn't.

A horse thief, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

Because I know, like, in country times, you know,

You ever heard of Buffalo Soldiers?

No, I haven't.

They were the African-American cowboys.

No, I don't.

And they would steal horses a lot of times.

I don't know if it has something to do with that.

I got a different one then.

Are you there?

Yeah, you have another SKU number?

It's called SKU?

Yeah.

793-4254.

793-4294?

No.

4254, you big dummy.

Okay, hold on one second.

I'm going to just transfer you over to the supervisor.

No, no, we don't have to do that.

No, come on.

No.

I said a joke on a round

This is lesbian music

That's what lesbians listen to

While they make love

can disappear if they want to

And I'll watch you land on my hands

You're a metal red chimp and I think that you're grand

Ladybug, hey ladybug, you're good luck

Fly me up to the moon

Hello?

All right, I ain't waiting for a manager anymore.

That's taking way too long, milkmans.

We're going to call a different Zappos employee.

Okay, buddy?

Good.

Thanks for calling the Zappos customer.

Thank you for holding.

For quality assurance, this call may be monitored or recorded.

Thank you for calling Zappos.com.

This is Jeff speaking.

How may I help you today?

Hello?

Hello, how are you?

Yes, I wanted to check the SKU numbers, ma'am.

Sure, I can help you out.

Thank you, honey.

Which SKU numbers are you looking to look at?

793-4254.

793-4254?

793-4254.

Perfect.

All right.

Pull that up here.

That's the Bruce Fat Girl scrub in the 8-ounce size.

It's what?

The what?

Fat Girl scrub?

Yes.

Okay, yeah.

Okay.

Do you want to order that?

uh this is it made from like the fat and all that or what how does it work exactly

it's made from salt like i want to get my wife kind of big you know because i like big girls

okay yeah so uh so if i put this around her like and this will help out uh it's it's just made for

uh skin exfoliation this is fat girls so yeah that's just the name of the brand all right i

I thought it had something to do also with the Fat Boys from the 80s.

They were a rap group, and their wives maybe were called the Fat Girls.

I don't know.

No, I don't think that's what they were called.

If I recall correctly, I don't think they were the Fat Wives.

All right, I got a different one then.

Sure, go ahead.

793-426-0.

It was Fat Girl Slimulator.

Okay, and same thing here then.

This won't allow me to make my wife any larger than she is already.

No, that's not what it's used for.

Or, like I said, it's for exfoliation.

Okay, very nice.

Okay.

Well, thank you for the information.

Do you have nice, soft, downy hair?

Do I?

Yeah.

No, I'm bald, sir.

Oh, that's nice.

I like a bald man, you know?

Oh, thank you.

Yeah.

Do you like when a guy puts his hands on top of the head?

No, I don't think I do.

Because it's really rude when a guy puts his hand in the back of your head when you're, you know, down there.

It's really rude to hold it, hold your mouth, you know, like your face down.

Is there anything else that was related I could help you with tonight, sir?

Yeah, I have another SKU number.

Go for it.

793... I'm sorry, 774-1002. Engage.

The Big Agnes Horse Thief?

Yeah.

Did that have something to do with black cowboys?

No, it's a sleeping bag.

Okay.

All right, thank you.

All right, take care.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

What a nice young man, Milkman.

Couldn't get one anything in there to really upset him too much,

Despite the fact that I called them woman and said something weird about my wife that fat my wife

I want to make her fat and made a racist joke. They're kind about the bed. So

Enigma wanna be on Lux is around Brad is around. It's late and it's a holiday

A lot of people just aren't around they can't be around man. You're with family or whatever

That was a weird song was about a ladybug milkman. I don't know what that's about. Fuck a ladybug. Hello Pablo check on

Hi.

What the hell are you doing?

I've been sitting here dialing you for the past 20 minutes.

Oh, dude.

There was a window on top of all those.

Aw, shit.

No wonder.

I was just saying, why isn't no one really getting on?

Nickman's here now, too.

Shit, dude.

I'm sorry.

Hey, guys.

I thought maybe...

Hey, what's going on?

...you were here or something.

You're like, who's this fucker?

No, I didn't know.

I really didn't see it.

I finally saw it come up at the bottom right, like in the corner.

It had something like one of those always-on-top things.

it's a little notepad window that's always on top everything goes behind it anyway what's up enigma

and uh i already said hey what's going on big ken is here we're doing pranks we're having a good

old time aren't we calling zappos it's always fun yeah happy thanksgiving thanks man i sent

your request to prank denny's let me talk to a couple of them did you let me see

oh man i was in alabama oh the waffle houses get ghettos hell sometimes man

All right, let's see.

A Sushi Rusty...

Wait, what?

A Sushi Rusty Sushi Restaurant.

Let me see.

Did you send it under Ken?

Ken, here we go.

Oh, you got a really bad, like, microphone over there.

It's making a noise.

Right there.

Sounds like you got a loose wire.

Oh, that's bad.

Well, work on that.

I'll call Waffle House then.

Enigma, you can join in if you want.

Have some fun.

You don't like doing calls, though.

You don't like talking.

I do sometimes.

Not often.

No, not often at all.

when I go in there I don't really need to be hearing all your personal business

I'm sorry when I go in there I don't need to be hearing all y'all's personal business

okay I apologize okay I wanted to make an order uh can you hold for just one second

why I need to go get my ticket book where is it where's that stupid question

all right I'll ask her again she got her ticket book yet seriously how do you not

have your ticket book with you when you answer the phone how stupid are you stupid horses god

you know tell her to stick to the kitchen honey because if she's gonna answer the phone and i

have her ticket book ready that's real stupid you know and who took your order well the girl i just

tried to call and she's like oh she said oh i need to go get my ticket book i lost it she said

i don't have it with me like it's some kind of funny thing then why does she answer the phone

Oh, stupid, right?

She's real stupid.

Who was it?

What's her name?

Is she a cunt?

Hey, she'll be with you the morning.

Hi, honey.

What are you doing?

I'm cleaning up.

You're cleaning up?

You're cleaning the toilet?

The shit out of the toilet?

I'm sorry, say that again?

Oh, you're cleaning the shit out of the toilet?

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, okay.

That's cool.

I'm cleaning up my table.

This is like really, really busy in here.

It's how it is.

Oh, yeah?

I don't know.

You sound like this black stripper I knew once named Storm.

Is she there yet?

She's coming.

Oh, what's her name?

Cinnamon?

No, Paige.

Oh, big Paige.

She's pretty big, too.

She's like a big girl.

Hold one second.

All right, honey baby.

Okay.

Hold on.

Oh, she heard us say prank call.

Oh, we'll take you to your prank call.

Bitch.

Ken, did you fix your microphone yet?

Did you take it out of there?

It just dropped out.

Oh, no.

I tried to get a hold of Dozer.

I don't know where he's at now.

Big Dozer?

Oh, man.

I added him, though.

but he's not

yeah he's not

showing up online

uh

dialer wants to

join the dialer

on here

get some fresh

fresh meat

for the grinder

yeah

dialer machine

oh yeah

hey man

what's up man

Ken's here

I think Ken's

Batman

yeah it doesn't

sound like shit

that's it

sounds great

Ken you said

you wanted to do

a waffle house

I want to play

with a wheelchair

if possible

wheelchair if possible

alright fine

we'll do that

get a headset

to hold out long enough

Who's Tommy Verschetti? Is that

Dozer? Probably.

Yes, it is. He's obsessed with GTA.

Oh, Jesus.

I have a question for you guys.

Is your rough

well-taught accessible?

Yo, what's up, guys? Hey, man.

What's up, big guy? How you doing, Carlito?

It's good. It's good to see you.

I'm doing good. Thanks, man. Thank you, bro.

Likewise. Well, you're here.

It's nice to see the Waffle House still has

the stellar fucking customer service.

oh god no seriously i went to a waffle house for what was it tuesday for breakfast which for me is

dinner and there was an old girl was like that motherfucking comes in here again i don't kick

his ass i'm like okay that was probably like so his mom will be up there man he's working up there

it sounded like it and there was this one white trash waitress that i had she had tattoos like

really bad tattoos on her calf muscles and like a picasso painting or something i was like

We got an ESDA call back and yell at him.

I was like, they told me they were going to push me out of my wheelchair.

Do you say that, sir?

Well, here's another one for you.

Same thing.

Hi, can you tell me, is your restaurant wheelchair accessible?

Excuse me?

Can I bring my wheelchair in there?

Your wheelchair?

Yes, sir.

Do you have a ramp?

Do we have a ramp out there?

We do, don't we?

A wheelchair ramp?

No.

There's not one on the curb?

Yes, we do.

I'm going to come in and come, like, two or three of you guys come outside and help me get into the restaurant.

Yeah, we sure can.

Okay.

I just had a question about the menu.

Do you guys have links or patties?

Do we have what now?

Links or patties?

Links.

We have patties.

We don't have the links.

Could you guys cut the patties up, like, in strips so that I almost like our link?

Yes, sir.

Okay, and do you guys have Franks and Bains at this time of the morning?

Do we have what now?

Franks and Bains.

We don't have Franks and Bains.

No Franks and Bains.

We have chili.

Chili.

Could you put the patty links in the chili for me?

In the chili?

Yeah.

So you want to order a chili with some sausage cut up in there and just drip?

And then I'd like to put them on your breast assist and eat them.

Okay.

All right.

Are you going to get this to go, or are you going to eat it here?

No.

Then I'll see how long you'll come at home with me.

Okay.

Will you sit on my lap?

No, thank you.

How am I supposed to eat the franks and chili off your breast or something?

That's a good boob.

I forgot I turned that on.

We're doing another one.

If anybody wants one, just yell at me.

I'm just dying.

Come in a swamp house.

This is Amber.

Can I help you?

Hey, honey.

How are you?

Hello?

Yeah.

Hey, honey.

how are you good how are you oh good i wanted to come in i know you know you guys do takeout

orders but i want to eat there but before that i want to ask how big is your colored section there

how big is what the colored section colored section yeah i don't have a colored section

all right so it's whites only or like integrated hello yeah so does is it integrated or whites

only ready so it's integrated oh that's disgusting yeah yeah i better get a takeout order then all

or in front of whatever stupid fucking racist jokes.

You hear the country music fucking blasting in the background, too.

Here, Dollar, do one.

Okay.

Wapahaw Street, Figgler Wiggler, how may I help you?

Yeah, so who is this?

This is Aniston Wapahaw Street, Figgler Wiggler, how may I help you?

Oh, shit.

This is Frederick.

Oh, that's a pretty...

Hello?

Yeah.

I can't hear you.

Hi.

Yeah.

You're breaking up, sir.

I can barely understand why you're here.

He's breaking up with him.

Hello?

Yeah, I took the phone from him.

His phone's break.

He's got a lot of shit he's got to do, you know?

What now?

He's got a lot of shit he's got to do.

The guy that was just trying to get an order, but his phone isn't working right.

Maybe he's putting it back on.

Dialer.

All right.

Hello?

Will y'all fix the phone and call back?

Yeah, we did.

I can barely understand what you're saying.

Okay.

Hello?

Yes.

I can barely understand what you're saying.

God damn.

What?

You surprised me with that fucking fourth grade education.

Yeah, he can't even read that guy.

Yeah, you are breaking up a lot.

dialer i don't know what happened are you on skype uh computer skype or what are you

oh man you're on 3g internet nope nope oh this sounds bad man it's bad try to restart your skype

machine maybe that'll okay sorry man we'll go yeah man it's very poverty-like man yeah it's bad

you heard i it's not just me right it's bad well nice yeah he's scratching yeah all right here's

another one uh yeah awful house you know we got all these stores we can call too don't forget that

Yeah, I get to that.

And Ernie.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck yeah, Ernie.

Dozer, do this one.

This is a Waffle House?

Yeah.

All right.

We'll take you to the launch.

We're on the next one.

This is a good amount of Waffle Houses, Ken.

You sent a lot of them.

I like that.

Hello, Waffle House.

I've done calls.

Hello, that's Ryan.

Hey, what's going on?

This is the Waffle House over there on the west side, right?

It's the one by Walmart, aren't you?

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Listen, I don't live too far from there.

I was up there yesterday, and I put a toilet camera in the women's bathroom.

Uh-huh.

And you had some big

Some big black woman come in there

And see shit all over it

And I can't see nothing now

It's connected to the wifi

I need someone to go in there with a towel

And wipe that off

Can't get no more footage

There'll be women up there pissing

And I'm trying to get the footage

With the camera

That's awesome

Get the fucking upskirt

Fucking shit

Alright I'm reconnecting her

Trying to see if we can get her again

That's hilarious

Kiss my pussy

say hey listen bitch i paid 450 at the spa shop for that little camera now come on go wipe it off

listen i came in there yesterday and i put a camera in the toilet in the women's bathroom

and you had some big black woman come in there and she shit all over the camera and i need

somebody to wipe it off because i can't see nothing now she hung up it's an awesome idea

excuse me what i'm surprised that old lady caught on to it the first lady she seemed kind of old

like oh i thought she would have been down on her game no i think she was the one that shit on your

camera the first lady definitely did that would do that with your black man

yes hello we were trying to figure out who shit on a camera when we came and had some food there

Oh, I have, like, no clue.

Well, I have this expensive camera, but I'm a tourist, and I'm just visiting town, and I put my camera down.

I went to use the bathroom.

I had my food on the table.

I was half done, but I felt the urge to go and use the restroom.

But I came back, and there was shit and corn, and it was sloppy.

Oh, the lens of my camera.

She hung up, and I'm calling her back.

Fuck.

Don't you worry, Tyler.

I'm getting her back.

Damn.

I'm so disappointed.

Waffle House, Tyler.

Hello?

Yeah, you hung up on me.

I was talking about my camera.

I'm sorry?

Yes, hello, are you sorry or what?

No, I have a complaint to lodge because I was in there and I had something to eat

and then someone kind of defaced my camera.

They messed with my property while I was in the restroom.

Someone speared fecal matter all over the land while I was in the restroom.

I don't appreciate it.

Sweetheart, don't you talk to me.

I ought to come over there and do some repair or grease you up.

Did the manager do it?

I guess you got to go and speak to the manager who did it.

Let me ask her that.

Hang on, Tyler.

I got you.

I'll get to the bottom of this.

You asked that manager.

Well, come on.

I'll call her later and ask her then.

All right, fine.

Be a bitch.

Be a bitch like that, woman.

She's all tart.

Okay.

I am going back to Google Maps here.

If any of you have a request for a type of store or a specific store or restaurant you want me to call, let me know.

I got a list of what is open right now.

All Game Stops opened at midnight,

so they're opening across the country right now,

the top of every hour.

What else opened at midnight tonight?

I'm looking here on the list.

Everything opened early.

A lot of them aren't opening as early as they used to.

It seems to be either or.

Well, Game Stop.

How about that?

Yeah, let's do Game Stop.

Hooray.

Ask if they have quite five.

Half-life eight.

Yeah, Mountain Time is for them chopper listers.

yeah mountain time nothing good going on there just a bunch of sheep fuckers yeah corn eaters

hey boy how are you doing all right good thank you what do you mean hello yeah well you say

have a good one what was that about what did you say do you speak or what's going on yeah

yeah i wanted to see if you had a game in it was going on sale heat yeah heat no you don't have

out of the heat. You got the recipe for

green paint? Alright, never mind.

It's the Melissa McCarthy game.

Sandra Bullock.

Oh, shit.

He sounds like, yeah,

the recipe for paint.

He's got water in his head. Like chocolate for

water, the game. Let me ask for that.

Do you have NBC Friends, the

game? Do you have NBC

series Friends, the game?

Alright, it's got Jennifer Aniston

doing voiceovers in it. Alright, he's

tracking. Great. Dumbass. We'll check

that and I'll call a different one.

Yeah. Friends of the

game. Boy, it's going way to the top.

You know it's not going to work the hold button.

Do you think they got Horseycat the game?

Horseycat. I gotta call more.

I gotta call more targets for Horseycat

and Elephant Man.

Yeah, call and see if you have a game called

Heat. I'm sorry, what game? Heat.

Yeah. Um, I can take a look in a moment.

All my rich... Full of what?

Okay. Holy shit.

All right, well, hold me with that.

Full of pickles.

I guess.

Well, connect another one.

Fuck it.

Let's do it.

Get a bunch of them queued up.

This is a big fucking mess.

Hey, boy, this is the store on this, right?

Okay, all right.

Unfortunately, I didn't see anything like that.

Can't check.

You're both assholes, you know that?

Damn.

I guess I go, okay.

All right.

hey uh carly did you hear about the uh angry addicts uh the asics asiatics

hello hello yeah hey is there an asiatic brother over there i'm sorry what asiatic brother do you

have a copy of asiatic brother um i don't believe all right what about heat nope okay what about

boss man big boss man game wrestling wwf's big boss man no they have mls fever 2013 all right

What happened with the Asiatics

Was this recent

Yeah this is yesterday

Spray called them

On a show and they went off

And eventually they got him on Skype

And he was on his camera and that on Skype

He was on Skype the guy was

Oh really what's he look like

Does he look scary intimidating

Not really no

I'll show you later if you want

He's got one eye that looks up

Now you guys are talking to him in person

That's crazy

the fucking guy oh man was it the the guy that we call first all the time or his crazier friend

you know no the main guy the main guy he tried getting his friend and he wasn't around and then

uh they just added him on skype got him on skype that is cool wow all right ken has a picture of

his avatar excellent what can you get what can you get i don't know what you said what can i get

Oh, you get 30%.

Oh, what's that?

What does that mean?

Yeah, you're bringing your old games and accessories, and you get 30%.

So it's 50% off the StarCraft only?

It's 50% off StarCraft?

30%.

30%, okay.

Yeah, 30%.

You get 30% when you're bringing games and accessories towards your own games.

Oh, wow.

That's cool.

Do you guys swap favors?

Do we swap favors?

Yeah, you know, like back rubs and stuff like that.

For the games?

Well, for you, yeah.

Yeah, and I need a game called Heat.

Heat.

Yeah.

No, I'm not sure right now.

Oh, shit.

Oh, man.

All right.

Do you have MLS Soccer Fever 2014?

All right, yeah, and also General Custer's Revenge 2.

Thank you.

Yeah.

You're welcome, bye.

I thought he was putting me on hold while he was just hanging up.

I don't understand.

Custer's Revenge.

Great Atari classic.

You should play it.

So that's the Angry Asiatic coming.

Yeah, and shit.

Hello?

whoa you see that you see that in skype chat carlito a picture of the angry asiatic uh let

me get the chat going here what's the screen grab you guys took or enigma you took the screen grab

yeah i took the stream cap to show you all right hang on let me joke that's about what i figured

yeah that's about he did uh he did some prank calls too no shit are you kidding no i'm just

serious i'm gonna have to listen to that it was on spray's channel okay yeah that's awesome very

Very cool. I'm happy to know that we heard

from whatever. I don't know

what he goes by. That's awesome.

That'd be something if he starts doing prank calls all

the time. He sounds pretty

cool after he chilled out

for a little bit. I think it's his other friend

that gets them all wound up. I don't know what that's about.

They got some weird relationship thing

going on there.

He's like...

Anyway.

What time did Macy's... I think Macy's is

open all night tonight. They open at

at 8 p.m so they might be i don't know i don't know which ones do 24 hours tonight walmart for

sure we can have fun with some walmart let's do that all right let me play some music we got some

background noise here we're going to run that out a little bit okay or any suggestions from you kids

you guys have anything you think i should or shouldn't let me know here's a walmart in chicago

dollar do one of those old man prank calls in the toilet you know i'm talking about uh like i fell

and broke my ass?

Well, like,

you usually just call

and say, like,

yeah,

it smells really bad.

It smells really bad in here.

Like,

bring a clothespin

for your nose.

Need toilet paper.

Thank you for calling Walmart.

You can't give me a call,

can you?

I can't.

Son of a bitch.

Freaking out.

I can't be that busy

there still.

Good Lord.

Too busy for an old man

having problems

in the bathroom.

I guess so.

Poor old man.

Thank you for calling Walmart.

Yeah, yeah, thank you.

Yeah, whatever.

Dirty errands, huh?

I'm just gonna call Target

Target was answering earlier, right?

I got them all riled up

All that layaway call is funny as fuck

Yeah, oh, layaways are always funny

I love those, man

That lady went off on you.

I had like three people on the road just go off.

What do you mean?

Where were those white trash people at the beginning?

Where they were?

They were black.

She said she was white, but she sounded pretty black to me.

She was definitely black.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.

Okay, all right.

That was a good call, though, starting off.

Thanks, man.

Looking for Target in Tampa.

Here we go.

Okay.

I don't know if old man adapts to Target.

They have small bathrooms in Target, but you'll make do, dialer.

sure you will thank you for calling the gandhi target store the gun you are an espanol oprima

lcfb yeah spanish you could tell yeah right our store hours have changed for the holidays

the store will be open from 8 a.m to 11 p.m please stay on the line while your call is

transferred to the operator oh man i just changed my avatar to ernie's favorite picture

yeah good evening thank you for calling target this is linda get to find something

Linda, I'm calling you from my cell phone right now.

I'd hate to bother you on such a busy night, but I'm having difficulty in the restroom.

Could you send someone in to assist me?

Which restroom are you in, sir, that you're having problems?

I'm in the front restroom, the men's room.

I was trying to get up, but I dropped my cane, and my pants have slipped around the toilet seat.

All right, sir, let me see if I can get somebody in there for you.

I think she's coming out of my ass, all over the floor.

I wonder if she's really going to send someone.

She better.

Because you said the ass and everything.

Thank you for calling Target store.

Please stay on the line while your call is transferred to the operator.

Good evening.

Thank you for calling Target.

This is one of the heck up.

We got this next line.

I know, sir.

I said I'm going to get somebody there.

here. So just stay where you are.

And I'm starting to see

everyone. Tommy!

You're breaking up

again. I'm breaking up?

Yeah.

Yeah, he's trying to break up again.

You guys hear him breaking up also?

Yeah, he's skipping.

Lux wanted me to paste that

in there. Read that when you can.

Did he want to join also?

I can get him in here. Yes, he did.

Alright, let me get him in. There's too many

slots. Let me know and I'll drop off.

okay all right yeah how many does it when it gets to what likes i don't know like seven people

for me that's been like where i've noticed at that point a skype conference starts degrading

down at some at some level okay i'll drop out well no you don't have to drop out i think we're

okay let's just try it first don't drop out take it easy buddy okay this is only six right here

hey boy how are you i'm good are you oh i'm good thank you thank you lux thanks for asking

everything all right with you then yeah yeah sure thank the lord thank god okay god bless

my kids have been really funny you're having a good old time are you gonna make it tomorrow

or are you on restriction yeah no all right good good all right dialer's gonna make it next

yes good position here thank you for calling the town and country target store product continue

you are an s-pen please stay on the line while your call is transferred to the operator

on waters avenue probably my experience with this hello happy holidays target town and country this

is janice i can help you hey big girl listen my dad ike he i think he's in the bathroom he might

have fallen down at the del mabry highway over on carrollwood commons i'm sorry um say that one

One more time?

He's at a different target, not yours, but he tried to call in.

He called from the bathroom.

He fell down in the bathroom.

He dropped his cane inside the target.

Okay, and this is what target again, you said?

It's the one on Gandy Boulevard.

West Gandy.

Gandy, let me get you that number.

Well, listen, I already talked to them, all right?

And they don't believe that he fell.

He called them already, and then his phone started dropping out.

Like, he went out of range.

He went out of communications range, and I went by, and I tried to beam him out, but I was, like, outside of transporter range.

You know what I mean?

Okay, what do you want us to do?

Can you put in, like, something to boost the transporter level, the triangulation in the men's restroom so that we can beam him out and leave orbit?

it do you want us to call over to that gandhi store and let them know that he's he he needs

some serious help is that what you're saying yeah yeah and tell them that we're gonna come we're

gonna we need to beam them out you know but the transporter can't see him from because there's

too much i guess inside the bathroom there's too many pipes and stuff like that we can't get a fix

on his location so no no we're gonna send i've got a mr laforge i'm gonna say he should be there

in a few minutes and he's going to have

that equipment and he just needs to set

it up. He sets it up like three of them

like in a triangle formation

and then

he'll be...

No, he will.

No, no, it's serious. Come on.

Here's every other episode of

Star Trek The Next Generation.

I'm handicapable.

Yeah.

Just about

every time. We can't bring him out.

What do we do? I drop my dentures in the bowl.

You said Jordy.

All right.

Jordy saves the day.

Jordy does everything on that ship.

Anyway.

You dropped your dentures in the bowl.

You got to talk like you got dentures out, you know, where you cover your...

I dropped my dentures in the bowl.

I paste my dentures.

I don't bought them.

I bought my dentures.

I don't paste them.

Thank you for calling.

The...

Do this.

Do that.

Please stay on the line while your call is transferred to the operator.

I need a little assistance, I'm in the bathroom and I dropped my canes, but I can't bend over

because of my back issues, I dropped my cane as well, it's chopped off, so I'm kind of

stuck, I've almost slipped and fell on the floor, it just appears that someone who has

used a storm informant has urinated or ejaculated on the floor, so it's very slippery.

Could you send someone to help me?

One moment, please.

Okay, thank you.

Help!

Somebody, please!

Hello?

Oh, my God.

Now my gangsters are wrapped around a turd.

Oh, that'll help.

God, I got a hot mouth.

Do-do-do.

My mouth seems like baby-year-old Chima.

I'm dry.

I'll call another one.

It's always fun to do stuff like this.

Thank you for calling the Town & Country.

Your book.

Please stay on the line while your call is transferred to the operator.

Happy holidays, Target Sonic Country. This is Janice. How can I help you?

Hello, Janice. My name is Edgar, and I'm in the front bathroom, but I need a little assistance.

I'm in the handicapable restroom, and my pants have slipped around the toilet seat lid, so I'm kind of stuck.

I dropped my cane, and I can't lift myself.

And the top loft, I think, won't drop my dentures at all.

I'm sorry.

I didn't understand what you were saying.

Would you repeat that again for me?

I'm having problems in the restroom.

I dropped my cage so I can't stand up.

I'm kind of stuck in the toilet.

No, she dropped.

Sorry.

Stupid fucking bitch.

Yeah, she's a bitch.

Fuck her.

Right in the ass.

All right.

Let me look for requested pranks.

Ken, did you send anything else?

You just sent in the waffle houses, right?

Yeah, I didn't send anything else.

All right, good.

Good.

Good. Thank God. All right. Palindrome sends in a number here for any McDonald's and doesn't send

in a number. Just says call McDonald's and ask for their Black Friday deals. I don't think they're

even open, sir, but thank you for that. It's two o'clock. I don't feel like taking a break. I'm

going to keep going. That's okay with you guys. Cecilia is looking for a place to live. She posted

on Facebook she needs to be out ASAP. Needs two bedrooms under a thousand a month. Has one kid,

a girl named Jada.

Alright, this one is

Cecilia, as I said, and

she's looking for a place to live. Let's talk

about it. Keep calling her daughter, Jason.

Jason. We should all be different

roommates who already live at this place.

And we can bounce around and be kind of

cool. She could sleep in my bed

and the girl can get her own room. Put you two together.

You have reached the voice mailbox

of 8. Try again.

Calling number 8.

And they give up. Okay, here's

an angry mexican who is a verizon customer that's all i have to go with this came from dialer or

someone claiming to be dialer all right came from dialer's yam bag of numbers oh come on i want

mexicans now all right here's a religious mexican maybe he's a priest that'd be awesome

man this sucks wake up bitches call them relentlessly and they'll pick up angry

where's the fire hello yeah listen i thought you'd pick up finally after i called a few times you

know that's the wrong number buddy is this religious mexican no oh that's why i had you

down i was your name was mexican do you believe in jivas yes i do mother oh do you know that he

was actually uh against homosexuals but for marijuana doesn't that seem odd to you yeah

whatever that was stupid fuck oh that was that your call has been forwarded to an automatic

voice message system the mail fucking mexican that was religious mexican maybe because i called

him hey hello are you religious mexican no he should be like well yeah come here

try the anger once again all right yes hi i'm calling from verizon customer service machine

i'm showing here an alert regarding your verizon wireless device hello okay um you do install a

A pornography app, and you've downloaded $1,232, it says right now,

and pornography pictures and JPEGs and two screensavers for your phone

and four pornographic ringtones.

No, not me.

Well, it's here on the phone, and when you pass $1,000,

your service is going to get shut off.

Are you sure you got the right number?

Yeah, I got you down here, your number.

I called you on the computer.

Okay, what's the name on me?

I'm not accusing you of anything.

I know, but I'm trying to figure out.

It can't be me because there's nobody on my phone but me and my wife.

Yeah, it's a free country, though.

You're allowed to do whatever.

But what name is on the account?

No, listen, I can't give out information like that.

If you're a sick, perverted person, that's okay.

Well, you're calling me at 2 o'clock in the morning.

Well, I'm supposed to tell you that we're going to shut the telephone off.

You won't be able to use it.

Okay, well, you do whatever you have to, but, you know.

Yeah, but you're looking at pornography on your phone.

That's disgusting.

We looked on your GPS data, and you were in a Walmart bathroom,

in a public Walmart bathroom, looking at pornography.

Okay.

Why?

That's why we're shutting it off, because you're a sexual deviant.

Okay, cool.

All right, bye.

Okay, goodbye.

Sexual deviant.

That's a silly ex-Navy dude.

I'll try the angry Mexican.

I don't have his name, so it kind of makes it hard.

I don't either.

i gotta just blow right over when he asked that well i worked for a few shots there all right

angry mexican let's go angry mexican all right hanging up and trying again angry black lady

i think that's the last one from you yep angry black lady great oh she's the one that she's on

her i heard that i was like that's a good thing yeah that was on your one from last friday i think

right yeah that was good i didn't listen to that one that was awesome i do remember that she's like

like whatever did he get on to or something i think the guy did not know hello yeah hi how are

you good evening yes hello i would like you to be my mistress all my life i have been waiting for

this moment my entire life has been a prelude but until this moment well because you're a black it

is taboo in my family i come from a family of racists we're half viking half racists hello

hello is this angry black lady all right i'll keep her on and she's just gonna sit there and

then she can go fuck herself,

because I don't have all night to be trying to get her attention

and her not hanging up, even.

Justin Anderson is a number from Ram.

She finally hung up.

Justin Anderson talking to some pedo on one Omegle.

All right, this is supposed to be a pedophile, apparently.

Okay, Omegle, pedophile, here we go.

Oh, yeah, this sounds nice and safe.

Mr. Calling, the party you have dialed is unavailable.

They'll be notified you called.

Oh, no, they're going to be notified.

Shit.

All right, going to the inbox where we got a voicemail.

Let's see.

Here we go.

Here's the voicemail we got from the guy, the Navy guy we just talked to.

He figured out the online radio station.

I don't know if he means me or you, Dialer, but he figured it out.

He's down.

He's so fucking clever.

He's very smart.

Very smart.

Wow.

Well, he's smarter than the majority of these people that we prank call here for some reason.

You'd think more than would figure it out.

Oh, some do, but you think more of them.

So Spray finally broke the streak of messing with that black guy,

telling him shock sites to go to.

He finally got to see where we're at.

That's awesome.

Cool.

Was it the Ingrasian?

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Yeah, the Ingrasian.

I don't think he gave him.

He looked like he was both trying to make friends with him.

He seems like a good guy.

He didn't give him the website.

He gave him the phone was his site.

Oh, well, it's funny if he gave him Madhouse, too.

Whatever it is.

All right.

He seemed pretty cool.

Yeah.

Cool, man.

All right, boiled pancakes we're being told to order by Bhenchod in the chat room

at a Denny's in Minnesota, which he has forwarded on to us.

All right, fine, boiled pancakes, here we go.

Boiled pancakes.

That sounds disgusting.

Boiled pussy.

Tony, thank you for calling Denny's in Rochester. Can I help you?

Yes, I wanted to make an order.

At this time of night, I cannot take orders to go.

Oh, because why? Because you're stupid?

Excuse me?

Because you're stupid?

it no it's because people order it never come and get it that's why well that's not what i'm

gonna do i'm gonna come in and get it you know and eat it yeah but after 10 o'clock you're gonna

take your orders in the phone that's disgusting do you have boiled pancakes what is that boiled

pancakes pancakes boiled pancakes no frozen hamburger hamburger yes i have a damn frozen

hamburger frozen hamburger yeah no frozen hamburger okay no you don't have like the

a hamburger on a stick that's frozen.

You don't have that. Okay. Do you have tater tots?

Nope. Alright, I'd like to...

What about eggs? One eggs? Yeah, I have

eggs. Alright, put down four. Come on, one

eggs. That's it. It's not expensive.

Come on, one eggs. Alright, you come and order

here, sir. No, no. I don't have time.

Please. It's an emergency. I'm diabetic.

Please help me. I need help.

Okay. Just one order of eggs.

That's it. How do you like your eggs done?

Scramble. Okay. Okay.

How long will it be? How much?

Like five minutes. And how much?

why are you tapping hold on sir why are you tapping like that rude on the desk it's your

touch screen right you have a touch screen 427 okay and that's for one scrambled eggs all right

i'll be there i'll call you yeah i'll be there it sounds good all right cool i'll call him back

and cancel it and he'll be like you see i told you that's what we'll do thank you bhenchod great

idea great idea we're committing a crime petty theft um you can you're gonna hit i call you

You called me before because my brother gave you all my number.

I want to be on the show.

That comes from Cheese Puffs.

All right, Cheese Puffs, you're on the show.

Yay.

See, we're talking about you.

Here's the number for the church.

Well, not a number.

Someone suggested Church of Scientology.

Guess what?

They're closed.

Oh.

You didn't think that through very well.

And he tells us also to call the Bunny Ranch and run with it.

Well, you didn't even send the number, and the Bunny Ranch is stupid.

Thank you.

God damn it.

Solar calls it a lot, yeah.

Yeah. Somebody wants us to call the White House line, and I don't think we're going to do that.

They want Ken specifically to do it.

That's not illegal.

I don't think that'll go wrong or bad at all.

Ken Kniff talking to the president or asking for him.

All right, a place that sells cupcakes, really good cupcakes.

Let me get a number.

Why would they be open now? I don't know.

It's called the Shoppe, S-H-O-P-P-E in Denver.

I always say Shoppe.

See if you can get in cake, because that's how your wife loves it.

Yeah, like Van Waller.

Get a jobby at the shoppy.

Jobby at the shoppy.

Thanks so much for calling the shop.

We are now in our winter hours.

And that means we're closed.

Why would you send that number at 2 in the morning?

If you know, if you think about it, why would they be open?

I thought it was some kind of special shit.

Someone tells us to call Walmart and dial this extension,

which will get us through to the front manager's phone.

Okay.

Hey.

You said it.

DP killer.

Here we go.

Thank you for calling Walmart.

Thank you for calling. May I help you?

Hey, honey. I need to talk to Extension 160.

This is a private emergency Walmart corporate matter.

You need to talk to who?

Extension 160. I'm calling from corporate, Bentonville.

This is a big problem.

Okay. Is there a manager you'd like to talk to?

Because this is 160.

Yeah. Well, okay.

I need to speak to whoever's the most highest ranking manager there right now.

There's a problem with the unionization that's going on.

Okay.

hold on just a second hurry up what's your name honey hold on just a second all right hold on

thank you aster that's what she said this will take a while probably so i'll look for another

number and that's not gonna be it oh shit okay all right all right i'm gonna take that break

after this here okay that's okay with you see we called that target already here's one on university

university fuck yeah oh yeah for calling the university plaza target store our store hours

have changed for the holidays.

The store will be open.

Please stay on the line

while your call is transferred

to the operator.

Do you have anything planned

for your segment, darling?

Nope.

Hi, happy holidays.

This is Dr. M.

I hope you...

Hey, honey, how are you?

I'm fine.

How are you?

Oh, that's good.

Hey, the bathrooms,

they're pretty clean in there, right?

They get checked every hour?

The bathrooms?

Yeah.

No, I'm in the back

by the sitting rooms.

I wouldn't know.

Oh, well, how the girls...

File a check.

Oh, yeah?

All right.

Would you like me to check?

Yeah, you want to go look at the bathroom?

No, I'm checking to see if they clean it every...

Well, go to the bathroom and see if it smells good, it looks nice, there's no urine everywhere, you know.

I'm in the fitting room, I can't leave this area, that's why I'm asking.

Do you want me to call another walk-in and find out?

Yeah, can I use the fitting room also?

Huh?

Hold on, may I help you?

Yeah, how are you doing, honey?

Hello?

Yeah.

Okay, you said what?

Oh, Walmart?

Yeah, it's Walmart.

Target?

All right, this is the guy at Walmart.

Yes.

Yeah, do you guys check your bathrooms every hour?

Uh, yeah.

All right, well, there's a unionization attempt going on,

so I'm going to have to get on the corporate helicopter and fly out there.

Okay.

How soon can you guys receive me?

Beg your pardon?

How soon can you guys receive me?

Uh, what do you mean?

We can receive you anytime.

I need a 10 by 15 office with two folding office chairs, one folding table,

table one working ethernet internet connection or app level wi-fi connection one pitcher of water

with ice water two glasses and who are you i'm with corporate i'm with anti-unionization department

with corporate there's a been a report of a unionization attempt at the store in the bathroom

they're gonna get you're gonna take a union boat vote in the bathroom at eight o'clock in the

morning so i'm flying out there i'm gonna be setting up shop we're gonna bust them okay all

All right, I need you to provide that.

10-foot by 12-foot room.

Gotcha.

Two folding chairs, one folding table,

pitcher of ice water, two glasses,

one working Ethernet internet connection

or an applicable Wi-Fi internet connection.

Okay.

On the corporate VPN.

Okay.

Go ahead and bring in some furniture from the furniture section,

a nice chaise lounge, a couch.

Okay.

Two living room lamps, like two torch lamps.

So go ahead and take those out, put those, have those put together, have someone bring some of the furniture, maybe some of the artwork from the artwork aisle.

Okay.

Hello.

Yeah.

Did you get all that?

I'm asking you, do you want me to transfer you to guest services to find out if they clean the bathroom every hour?

Well, I was waiting to, you were going to check the bathroom for me.

No, I'm not.

I can't leave the area.

All right, well, I'm with the corporate office, and I'm going to be coming in, and I'm going to be setting up shop.

Okay, do you want me to transfer you?

Well, to what?

To what?

You just say transfer me like you're just going to transfer me to the problem, the magic problem resolution department.

What are you doing?

I will transfer you to guest services.

What do they do?

They're the ones.

Oh, I know.

I'm the corporate.

I know that.

Okay, go ahead.

Yeah, put me through, honey.

Bye.

Oh, Jesus.

She sounds cute as hell.

She sounds like she needs a hot mannix injection.

God, sounds like a picker-upper fucker.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, this is the meat man.

I'm calling from the corporate office.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I think your phone...

No, this is...

I'm the meat man.

I'm calling from the corporate office.

Okay.

It's code name meat man.

We got a report that there's a unionization attempt.

We're going to be taking a union vote.

All the employees in the bathroom and toilet tomorrow morning at 8 o'clock.

Um, just hold on.

Just talk to my supervisor, please.

Well, I'm flying in on a helicopter.

I need to have some office space there.

i need to have a 10 by 12 uh room and we need to take some furniture out of the uh furniture

section from the floor and send them up in there for me he's nuts

he's like i don't got time for this

He's nuts

Okay

Uh

Yeah

Meet man

This is how

Meet man

Come day meet man

From the corporate office

Okay

She's like

Okay whatever

Uh

The YouTube is off air

Because uh

I ran out of recording time

I gotta restart

I ran out of credits

Yeah

Alright well uh

Let me take care of that break

That I was talking about

Remember I was mentioning

The break

You know

Can you uh

Play an Ernie prank

For your break

I don't think I have

if any of those isolated, bro.

Hey, Carlito, I gotta get going, man. It was good being on, though.

Alright, thanks, man. I'll be around more

from now on. It was good talking to you guys. Alright, sorry you didn't get to

do more pranks. Sorry, man. Hey, Dozier.

It was fun anyway, man. I'll talk to you guys soon.

Later, man. See you later, Dozier.

Here, let's call Ernie now. Yeah, Ernie.

Hey. Hey.

You have reached. Please leave your message

after the tone. I don't think you said Ernie.

Wait, so what number did I call

the cat back at, um,

six months ago? Ah, shit.

I think you called him on the brown

On the brown line?

On the brown line, yeah.

The horse, the brown horseman.

I don't, uh, I don't think, I think he had moved already, though, to California.

I think he lives in California now or something like that.

I think that's what happened.

Ah, shit, man.

You know who knows is a lonesome, but he's not at home.

He's with his fiancée, so he doesn't have access to whoever, whatever number it was that he found for him, which is the one we used last year.

Shit.

Ah, that might be end of a tradition.

and sorry, Ken, I know you're really let down about that.

Sorry, man.

we'll be okay all right well right along let's get back to request a prank see if we got

anything there here's another voicemail i think this is from that navy guy that knows dialer or

something or knows me now okay all right yeah he likes to leave uh silly voicemails and tell

stupid jokes yeah yes i couldn't understand what he was saying it sounded stupid here's another one

hey yeah i was calling you back about uh all you gave me a little while ago it was something about

on uc horn or something in the walmart and you had me traced to the lane myself there

you know i'm married and only wife you need just all the help you get the wife when you take up

your wife you know it's kind of only wow that's fucked up so you know get kind of lonely in the

old walmart bathroom and you just got to do what you got to do you know thousand hours that's kind

Kind of a day, you know, you'll see what it's like when you get older and train you up a

little bit, get some experience.

If you're an old lady and your picture weighs 90 pounds, you'll know Becca's sitting in

here with my dolls down around the corner enjoying the night.

Have a good Thanksgiving and a Merry Christmas.

Hopefully Santa Claus will leave you a 300-pounder under your tree.

Later.

Oh, fuck.

Thank God.

I think that is Ken, like, 40 years from now, probably.

look guys i'm still cool let me leave cool messages for all the young guys

all right cool that'll be a message i leave for locks and like

yeah all right okay all right anyway uh let me look for more denny's here

we can mess around with it's always fun i don't think that's gonna be the last

voicemail we have from him tonight no he's gonna keep doing it yeah he's

already called yeah well she already called three times yeah anyway okay denny's in tampa all right

home of the jaeger colada here it is my hand dirty aaron check it in actually i didn't that

one in tampa man yeah thank you for calling denny's uncle maybe this was my ticket order

today hey honey how are you okie dokie oh good i wanted one egg beaters with extra sauce

sunny side up one bread one unit of bread excuse me one unit of bread okay all right two ration

tickets worth of sausage okay okay and one okay one ice okay all right how much will that be

you said you want one egg sunny side up no one egg one egg beater sunny side up one egg beater

sunny side up thank you very much and you want one egg beater sunny side up you want a ration

Ration of sausage?

No, two ration book ticket amounts of sausage.

Okay.

All right.

And toast.

One bread.

Okay.

It'll be $6.41.

All right, excellent.

And how long will that be?

About five, ten minutes.

Oh, all right, honey.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Wait a minute.

Didn't I order from somewhere that I was supposed to cancel?

I totally forgot to cancel.

The place where I ordered?

You did.

Where did I order one egg from?

I don't know.

Shit.

Damn it.

it that would have been funny at this point one egg over hard i forgot what it was yeah i think

it was just one egg he's like i don't take water no i don't take water on phone this late dirty

errands here you got it do you got anything special planned or you're just gonna shoot the

shit uh actually i i had a couple ideas the first idea came to me right before i was going to bed

about an hour ago and i um created myself a prank call studio in my closet and it's fucking

brilliant oh nice and your closet okay yeah so i can like masturbate in here while i'm you know

making prank calls and nobody will bother me so nobody's it's like a masturbation box

you will distill i'm still in the closet it's a secret so did you have a company well to steal

for you no okay but uh i did i just have um i'm in contact with the lonesome loser and if i can't

get in touch with him properly then i just have a ton of numbers that i'm going to call and act as

an advertiser to try and sell black friday deals over the phone or something like that well i think

he's busy porking his fiancee in the bed that she grew up in oh yeah that's that's what i do that's

what i would do yeah he's he they call it playing high school so yeah i don't know i also have

access to the stuff that's in the dropbox you know okay it's all pretty old it's so i figured

it's uh it's there it's safe you know and there's all those stores you can literally just get all

those stores are going to be open starting you know at the latest six o'clock in the morning

right we'll all be open on the east coast it'll be 5 a.m for me so that's in like six hours yeah

yeah yeah so so i just was getting my studio set up so i can get up and start making the callings

great i'm so excited very good i might fall asleep during that shift i think i'm gonna try

to make it out to at least hear a little bit but i'll hear it later um yeah you know yeah yeah i

know you got mixer okay working and all that you were on there last week yeah i got the mixer

working i got the sam everything going there so uh i uh yeah the rbcp got me hooked up with that

with the Mixler machines, so...

Okay.

Do you have a horsey cat for Christmas?

No, not yet.

Oh, dude, I gotta...

Can you fuck this up, dude?

I gotta ask more...

Yeah, your mic is doing that again.

I gotta call more horsey cat, I just realized.

Thank you for reminding me of that there, Big Ken.

Let me pick another city here.

It's called Panama City, Florida.

Instead of My Little Pony, it's My Little Pussy.

My Little Pussy.

That's the kind of pussy I like.

Then go ahead and make me a horsey cat.

Yeah, horsey cat.

Hey man, there might be a thing

There's only one Target in Panama City

What a shit town that is, let's call them

Stupid military nasty town

Smells like exhaust there

The one time I went

Exhaust and shame, basically

Thank you for calling the Panama City Target store

Our store hours have changed

Please stay on the line

While your call is transferred to the operator

Target, this is Kim, can I help you find something?

Yes, I'm looking for something

Very important, it's called the Horsey Cat

Horsey Cat

And what kind of item is that?

I think it's like a machine, a toy machine.

My little one-year-old girl keeps asking for it.

She's really stupid, you know, but...

Okay, would it be an electronic item or a toy?

It's a horsey cat.

I don't know.

It's half horse, half cat.

It has a long face.

Okay, let me try toys for you, okay?

Hold on one moment.

All right.

She's supposed to go look.

I don't think she's going to.

While we wait, we'll call a different target.

Obviously in Panama City, because that shit fucking sucks.

Let me search it out.

what's going on hey i'm trying to i'm trying to see if you have any horsey cat any horsey cats

yeah yeah all right thanks yep exactly what is that it's like a horse and a cat together

it's a tv show comes out it's like horsey god like that's from japan i think oh yeah

yeah but this is horsey cat cat dog is stupid you know this teaches you a message it's got

got like satanic messages in it for the kid to watch and everything it's like triangle symbols

and everything yeah all right it has like i like one i symbols and all that all right

oh okay okay waiting on the horse cat what's the town in alabama quick dolphin andalusa and

andalusa al i found it i never heard of andalusa before

yeah target near andalusia stupid ghoul come on man you've really been fucking up lately a lot

hey honey never seen horsey cat oh shoot all right what about elephant man

okay what about do you have king vitamin yeah king vitamin yeah he's a big vitamin

looking thing he like shoots vitamins out like he shoots them at the children and they explode

load you know he like pulls out a gun and he shoots a kid in the head he makes the kid get

on his knees and he shoots him in the temple with a gun and everything and he says what happens you

don't eat your vitamins like that the blood splatters it's real animated it's real graphic

you know and the smoke comes out of the gun barrel he like smokes this the smoke he like

inhales it in his mouth and he exhales it like he's smoking it like a cigarette it's real cool

Do you have an anatomically correct picture book that shows the penises and all that?

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Okay.

And how big is it?

All right.

Will you pet it real quick and tell me how it feels.

Pet it.

Pet it like it's a real cat.

Well, can you open it or no?

Can you shake it then, the box?

Say hello in there.

Hello.

Oh, can you put the phone up to the box?

Hello?

Okay.

Is it up to the box?

Hey, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Is it doing anything?

Nothing.

All right.

Sounds pretty boring.

Yeah.

I have nothing else for you.

Thank you for calling the Bel Air Target Store.

Keep it down.

Our store hours.

Stupid.

Please stay on the line while your call is transferred to the operator.

This is a Target and a mall.

I think this is the black mall.

This is the Target and the Bel Air.

This is Joe.

How can you find something?

Yeah, this is the Target and the black mall, right?

In the who mall?

The black mall.

The black people mall.

Uh, there, we don't have a search engine for black people mall.

But this is the black people mall, right?

Does it target at the black people mall?

No, it's not.

Oh, all right.

Um, well, do you have horsey cat then?

Uh, hold one moment.

All right, honey.

Jesus, what a bitch.

Girl, no, uh-uh.

Oh, hell no, dog.

Oh, hell no.

Tell her to shut that fucking ringing up.

God, that's loud.

Someone better pick up this line right now.

I bet she should wear sunglasses inside.

Yes.

Don't leave.

That's Neil.

Neil.

This site don't ring.

Hello?

Make your songs.

Parker Belair, how may I help you?

Yeah, I was calling to see if this is the black people mall.

No, it's not.

All right.

Then do you have horsey cat?

I'm not sure.

Hold on.

Hurry up.

She hung up.

Bitch.

She didn't hang up, didn't she?

Motherfucker.

So, I have an idea.

I need to know for you.

All right, Lux.

What's your idea, buddy?

buddy. You'd call, like, a Best Buy

or, I guess, Target Works or something.

And HorseyCat is this full-on

Android electronic device

that's half horse, half cat, and it's got,

like, lasers, and it moves

around. It's got, like, heads and shit.

Alright, you want to be my kid asking for it?

Yeah, sure.

Alright, best. Half alligator, shark,

half man? Yeah, kind of. Half man,

bear, pig. There's a Best Buy in

Chicago. If that works.

It might work, I don't know.

I think the real problem is that

that Ken's a mouth breather.

That's not his microphone.

He's just him.

Oh, that's definitely him.

Thank you for calling Best Buy in Spanish Fort.

We will be open at 6 p.m. on Thursday, November 28th.

If you have pressed an invalid key, please try again.

For store hours, press 1.

For directions, press 2.

If you know the extension you would like to reach, press 8.

You can visit us online at www.bestbuy.com.

If you need immediate computer assistance,

Call Geek Squad, our 24-hour computer support task force, at 1-800-GEEK-SQUAD.

That's 1-800-433-5778.

Thank you for calling Best Buy.

To repeat these options...

I guess they're just closed at this one?

I don't know.

Maybe they closed.

Mm-hmm.

Maybe they opened and closed.

That would make sense.

Ain't that...

Yeah, what, 6 to midnight or something like that?

Yeah, ain't that the tits, I don't know.

Well, you know what?

it's still not it's about to hit midnight on the west coast so actually there's a window of

opportunity here still because this is a global fucking network thing we got going on big baz

is here hey baz hey happy thanksgiving everyone oh man you're buzzing how's it going thanksgiving

fuck i've been in my closet days oh you guys you guys are all buzzing hey let me um let me

refresh skype i don't know if it's got too many people on or skype i'm completely sober memory

really good i'm about to save space it's good having you all right hang on i'm coming back

anyway all right all right guys give me a second because that shit i'm fucking starting to buzz

all robotic like so we're gonna have to reset the sky i was just thinking to myself no sky's

been behaving so far hasn't uh started fucking up or disconnecting yet so much for that we're

coming up on one hour i can't this went by fast six hours straight this went by fast had a lot

lot of fun tonight doing pranks we got still got about an hour left before the dialer takes over

and i uh call it a night for myself now really nobody else is going to be on that madhouse

youtube it's just going to be me who uses that but of course mixler is going to be working on

the website or if you have that uh favorited on your mixler app or in your browser and also

shoutcast also works the madhouse shoutcast will work for that also so tune in have a good time

guys enjoy thanksgiving prank marathon all right starting up skype again here let me start by

calling aaron who else do we have we had uh dior aaron help me out who else do we have

oh shit turn it off yeah you got it on baz i think yeah yeah just joined enigma plopping down there

uh lux and milkman i believe that was it this is immobile it's gonna be closed

Closed.

Shit.

Thanks for calling Best Buy and Mobile.

We will be open at 6 p.m. on Thursday, November 20th.

You have pressed an invalid key.

I ain't going through that shit again.

All right.

I'm looking for Best Buy in Phoenix, Arizona instead.

How about that?

Best Buy near Phoenix.

Phoenix.

Okay.

Cool.

Thank you, man.

This is in the Camelback Colonnade.

Great place to shop.

Simon Mall's property.

Enjoy it.

for what their holiday season is.

For calling Best Buy and

if you need immediate computer assistance,

call Geeks. Yeah, yeah, they must

be closed. Here's where I always

get fucked up with Arizona. They're

on Mountain Time, right?

But they don't do

Daylight Savings Time.

And in the summer,

it's an hour, it's

basically Pacific, but if you're calling

them in the winter, it's not. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I kind of follow. It's 1am,

it's 1am there. Oh, okay.

Well, that makes sense.

So, Best Buy.

So, you're going to have to go West Coast, but it's midnight, so.

I'll just say California.

Do you want some Honolulu Best Buys?

Yeah.

I just put seven California Best Buys in the Skype chat.

Oh, you did?

All right, let me do those then.

Okay, those are...

Send me those in a Skype message, independent, so I can call in the morning.

There you go.

Yeah, do you want the Honolulu ones, Darren?

Yes.

Yeah, put them all in there.

All right, Ken, I'm starting with your first one then.

And so what? This is a big, badass Android half-dog, half-cat thing over there.

I'm so excited.

Thank you for calling Best Buy in Glendale.

We will be open at 6 p.m. on Thursday, November 28th and invite you to visit our store.

We will be available to answer our phones after 3 a.m. on Friday, November 29th.

Be sure to check out our Cyber Monday deals available Sunday and Monday at BestBuy.com.

For store hours, press 1.

Wait a minute. Did he say they'll be available to answer their phones after 3 a.m.?

just gonna wait 120 more six hours right i'm going on after yeah you're going after doubt uh

no dialer is going on for two and then sloth and i sloth and baz are going on for two is that what

it is then ice goose confirmed that you would be around okay all right cool and then i'll help out

there you go and then aaron you got the rest of the morning there you got the big rush you

So Aaron and the rest of you, for East Coast, you get the big rush.

Yeah.

It's going to be post-rush, really, because a lot of those places, it's, you know, 4 in the morning, shit like that.

Yeah.

That shit's going to be open in an hour.

Yeah.

4 and 6 in the morning.

Yeah, that's crazy.

This is fun.

This is why, this is like the one good day to do this, because around the clock, you know, shit's open.

So as a standby, you've got Walmart and Target and shit like that.

Okay.

All right.

Well, that's not going to work out.

Yeah, so how about some Targets in California, where it's a little earlier still right now.

It's midnight right now, as a matter of fact, so prime time to call these people Target.

I will hit you motherfuckers in five hours.

See you, man.

Enjoy.

Peace.

Bye.

I'm sure Target has killer robots for children.

Fuck yeah.

Yeah, they got everything there, man.

Are you kidding?

John Barker in England.

John Barker.

there's a call i haven't done in a while toilet license someone just mentioned

to me in a private message on facebook don't forget toilet license that's a good idea

all right there great okay well where were we we're pranking the uk here's anthony bungie

yes indeed all right reminds me of when i wiped my ass and got shit on my finger i called it a

buggy yeah you're gonna be ready dialer um you're gonna give me the high side here in a few minutes

i don't know five six seven i don't know how long you need and your conference call let me know the

high side five six seven what no you need like five how long i don't know how long you need till

you start right yeah a few minutes yeah just hit the button just kick you the final countdown

John.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Is that, what was it?

Bungie?

Anthony Bungie.

Yep.

Anthony Bungie.

No.

No?

Why?

No.

Why isn't it?

I don't know who you're talking about.

Oh, this isn't Tony at all?

No.

This is John Candy?

No.

Identify yourself.

Yeah.

Immediately.

I command you to tell us who you are.

Who he is.

We're with the National.

I'm David Snoswell.

We're with the Toilet Registry.

I'm with the Royal Service.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

I apologize.

That's my manager.

You have two toilets.

You have a toilet.

I'm sorry.

You have one toilet that you're using here

that's unregistered.

You don't have a toilet license, sir.

Mr. Snozz will tell you all about it.

This is crazy.

I think you've got the wrong place.

Listen, it's a felony, asshole.

Here's Baz.

Yes, my good sir.

You need to have a license for that toilet.

It's imperative.

And if you hang up,

you're just digging yourself a deeper hole,

which I think he just did.

I'll call him back.

Meet me, meet me, meet me.

hello hello this is kissle this is call tracing machine can we help you happy anniversary

happy anniversary all right i rub my hands and feet nepsom salt

i've got a mexican guy fixing it within the back his hands are smoke you gotta fix it

you gotta fix it in the back you've got the wrong number i'm sorry no the toilet in the back

You've got the wrong number.

Don't keep ringing this number.

It's not the right number.

This is the Royal Service calling, ma'am.

There's a toilet in the back.

It's a torture in the back.

No, I didn't.

Ask what size your knickers are.

That's an epic prank.

That's still one of my favorite

jerky boys pranks.

It's a torture in the back.

His head's a smoke.

No, pull the plug.

Boy, he ain't dead yet.

Yeah, that's the best part.

okay all right moving right along uh this is john beal right because i tried john no no i already

tried that beal michael gay all right michael gay here's a great name yeah poor guy are you

working today is that what you're doing today hello hello oh this is crystal is that michael

Yeah, okay.

Oh, good.

Yes, and we have you down with Unregistered Toilet here.

I'm calling from the National, what is it?

United Toilet.

The Royal Service.

That's what it is, yeah.

The Royal Service.

Oh, right.

Hang on a second.

Yeah, you, come on.

My wife, I'm going to stop.

I'm talking about it.

I love it.

She wears the man pants.

Sick one, and he's sorry.

I need a truncheon.

I got another phone.

Okay.

Calling a different one.

We'll keep them connected there.

Hey, penis.

Yeah, they're sorting things out in the background there.

I can't wait to hear those target numbers.

Calls from the beginning again.

I'm so excited.

Hey, how you doing there?

Is that Michael Baker?

Yes, I'm speaking.

Okay, good.

I'm calling from the Royal Service Waste Management.

I have you down with an unregistered toilet.

You're still getting a lot of shit.

Yeah, basically.

You've been using this for defecation and urination without...

Oh, man.

Am I talking about shit?

Yeah.

It's all licensing.

I'm talking about my shit.

Talking about your shit.

The person you have called is on the phone.

That was awesome.

Voicemail.

All right.

Hello?

Hey.

Any other Michael?

We still got you.

Michael Gay.

All right.

I'll call Mr. Gay.

I'll call Mr. Bullen then instead.

Michael Bullen here.

I'm going to be wrapping up things here just momentarily.

when Big Dialer's going to take over and move on with our massive bowel movement,

which we call a 24-hour prank call network show marathon.

Yep.

Yay for Dialer. Go Dialer.

Hooray for Dialer.

Joe Bullen?

Yes, hello. I'm calling to confirm whether or not you have one toilet here or more.

I beg your pardon?

How many toilets do you have here? Is it more than one or just one?

What's it got to do with you?

I'm calling from the Royal Service.

We have you, looks like we might have you with an unmonitored, unregistered toilet here at this house.

I think you've got the wrong number.

You don't have a license for this toilet.

All right, I'll call her back.

She seems sassy.

I like that.

She seems like a cockney waitress.

Yes, hey, buddy, how are you?

I'm fine, thank you.

I'm calling from the Royal Service.

Basically, for your toilets, you're supposed to have a license for each one.

And we have you here as having a toilet that's not licensed.

It hasn't been licensed at all since this house was built.

Right.

And that's a really bad, bad thing.

This is a felony.

You know, you get in trouble for a long time.

Yeah, I know.

I'm already in trouble.

We'll send you to one of those judges that wears a wig now.

No, I don't want to.

Thank you.

Okay, but he'll find you guilty.

He'll say, Mr. Prime Minister.

That's what he'll say.

Mr. Prime Minister.

That's what he'll say.

Okay.

All right.

Well, I guess my time here is done.

Don Dialer, can I kick my hand off then?

Say goodbye and kick my hand off?

All systems go.

Goodbye, Carlito.

It was fun.

All right.

Bye, everybody.

I'm kicking everybody off except for Milkman.

Bye.

It was fun being on.

Thanks, Carlito.

You're welcome.

Bye.

All right.

Baz is out of here on his ass.

What's next?

God damn it.

Fucking Skype.

Come on.

You can't make things easy.

Dialer is here on his ass.

And luck.

See you later, man.

Thanks for being on.

Um, I'm still up, so he's gone already.

Okay, Milkman, are you still here?

You want to take us out of here?

We had fun.

I had fun.

Milkman, Milkman, Milkman.

All right, no Milkman.

Okay, I think Milkman fell asleep over there.

But hey, I'm going to just turn things right over to Big Dialer Machine now.

So Dialer, go ahead and kick things off as soon as you need to.

I'll sign off with a Mixler.

And yeah, see you guys later.

Goodbye.

Enjoy the rest of the marathon.

Keep listening as you can.

Thanksgiving 2013 Prankathon 1/7 – Carlito’s Madhouse

Calls (61, 2 h 27 min of 4 h)

Transcript

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