Thanksgiving 2013 Prankathon 2/7 – Dialer – GCR Radio
28 Nov 2013 · 1 h 34 min · 12,868 words · source
Calls (28, 1 h 8 min of 1 h 34 min)
- Al-Halal pulled pork salami order live 2.4 min clip ↓
- Umar Halal Butchers halal meat inquiry live 3.4 min clip ↓
- Manhaba halal meat shop prank live 1.0 min clip ↓
- Halal meat shop about chicken cutting live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Cedar Knolls Walmart tampon shortage live 5.4 min clip ↓
- Cedar Knolls Walmart tampon shortage live 3.0 min clip ↓
- Walmart manager denies triple thick tampons live 35 s clip ↓
- Toys R Us Freehold horsey cat inquiry ivr 7.6 min clip ↓
- Kmart call setup playback 1.2 min clip ↓
- Kmart horsey cat toy inquiry live 4.1 min clip ↓
- Kmart remote control car anxiety call live 36 s clip ↓
- West Orange Kmart horsey cat inquiry live 1.6 min clip ↓
- West Orange Kmart horsey cat follow-up live 2.7 min clip ↓
- Toys R Us employee about Hyde and Frank game ivr 2.6 min clip ↓
- Toys R Us employee about horsey cat and kits live 6.3 min clip ↓
- Tint shop asked about tinting dick and pump live 3.5 min clip ↓
- Call to well pump seller live 1.1 min clip ↓
- Call to Sears Brooklyn store live 1.9 min clip ↓
- Call to Walmart customer service ivr 1.7 min clip ↓
- Walmart rude interaction live 46 s clip ↓
- Wombat automated greeting ivr 1.3 min clip ↓
- Walmart prank call confrontation live 32 s clip ↓
- Toys R Us distribution center menu ivr 1.3 min clip ↓
- Kmart Distribution Center menu ivr 45 s clip ↓
- Dispute Centers John asked about Skype live 46 s clip ↓
- Kmart Distribution Center stuck at back door live 59 s clip ↓
- Kmart Distribution Center stuck at main gate live 6.2 min clip ↓
- Kmart distribution employee Jim live 3.8 min clip ↓
Transcript
are you? Global Chaos
Radio. You stand up a page.
I don't suck the DD. I
swing the DD. I fuck the
sister of light on the parking lot.
Then we show you how to put a finger in your
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
How do you like that? Oh, shit, I'm
skipping on the microphone. Damn it. Shit, damn it.
Hi, everyone. Oh, what's up
with the skipping? Check, check, check. Damn it.
What the hell? It's just gonna reboot my mic.
Is this better? Oh, wow.
A little bit of a rough start, I guess.
Shut up. Shut up, music. Shut up.
Alright, what a rush. I'm streaming on two different channels at once. Quite interesting. 72 people listening here and 51 people listening there. Interesting.
Yes, this is the second show in the Prank Marathon, the 24-hour 2013 Madhouse Prank Marathon for Thanksgiving and Black Friday. We are into Black Friday now, of course.
So we had 10 to 4 a.m. Carlito in the Madhouse Radio.
Right now it's Global Chaos with yours truly.
And next we'll have 6 to 8, Ice Goose and Sloth for the Science Show.
And 8 to 12, Brent Westwood Show.
12 to 4, Roy and Stacey.
All right.
4 to 7, The Psycho Show with Lux.
And 7 to 10 p.m., The Art of Phone Locking with Jaiad.
J-I-A-D.
With all that fun stuff.
All right.
Well, since we were having so much fun with UK calls, I thought I'd continue for a little bit.
until I ran out of things that Nunu sent me in the side tab here.
So, I did go ahead and get credits, but you never know how Skype is going to behave.
Man-hating feminist organization in the UK called Fawcett Society.
I hope I'm pronouncing that correctly, but how else could it be pronounced?
F-A-W-C-E-T-T.
Interesting.
Go ahead and give that a call.
Fawcett Society.
The office is either closed or unable to take your call at present.
Oh, suck a dick.
Get it?
Feminist suck a dick.
Muslim Association of Britain.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on, bitch. Come on. What is with Skype today? Or tonight? Or what time is it? 4.09.
Skype refusing to connect?
What do I pay you for, you son of a bitch? Connect the goddamn call.
Oh, you stupid motherfucker.
Hmm. How about the Al-Halal supermarket?
Must be a problem with the intercontinental connection between Skype machines, Microsoft, Redmond Drive, and the UK.
Okay, which one is ringing?
Hello, assalamu alaikum, how are you?
Okay, how are you?
Yes, I want a big fat salami. Do you have one? Al-Halal.
Halal.
Sorry?
I want a big halal pulled pork.
Halal who?
Halal pulled pork.
Do you have it?
I want to order five pulled pork, big beef bueno.
That's what you're saying.
Just give me a second, okay?
Okay.
I'm going to give somebody else one, okay?
Okay.
Somebody who speaks English better than you.
Please?
Hello, I'm looking for the halal, the RPCP special, the big beef bueno pulled pork.
Anything dry or something meat?
It's something dry.
It's packaged.
And the package is in the middle section.
section? I am not sure exactly where you have it. First of all, it is long, about 12 inch,
and it is thick, about 3 inch. It is flesh colored, and it's throbbing with veins. Can
you please tell me the name again? It's called RBCP Big Beef Bueno Pork Salami. Salami, okay.
Yes, but it's pork, and it's RBCP Big Beef Bueno. Is it in tins? I don't know if it's
It's in a tin.
It's in plastic.
We've got some salamis in the tin, but I'm not sure which one you want.
Have you ever taken the salami and sat on it?
Have you asked me the name of the brand?
The brand is Big Beef Bueno, RBCP Carter, and you sit on it and twist.
We've got the Robert one.
We've got the Tyra one.
We've got the Binar one.
We've got the Solene one.
You need the thick one.
You need to bend over, grease up, and put it in.
It's about the same thing that you want.
You haven't got that one, I think.
Ah, do you have the Ala Appa?
You just come along and just check yourself because I don't know which one are you talking about.
Maybe you can taste it with me.
I show you, you open it and taste it.
I don't want to taste it, but you just come along and just have a look.
Can I put it in your pants?
Can I put it in your pants?
No?
I guess not.
It is a Samsung mic.
It's really cheap.
It's like 40 bucks.
The USB Samsung mic.
You can find it on Amazon.
All right, Skibbly Bebop, what are we doing here?
Umar Halal Butchers.
All right, I guess that is going to work.
Come on.
Hello, how are you today?
I'm good.
This is Lucy. I was hoping to get some halal meat.
I need something that is big.
What is your biggest salami?
You call after half an hour, then my boss will come here.
I am a worker.
You are a worker.
I speak good English.
You're a subordinate worker.
Yes, I understand.
Yeah, I can't speak good English here.
Can I come there?
Can I come there and give you a hug and a kiss?
I would love to come there and give you a hug and kiss
because you sound like such a nice young man,
such a greasy, nice little Arab.
My name is Lucy.
I'm an old elderly lady, and I live here in Warshire,
and I would like to come over, and I don't know,
maybe we can have tea, and you and I could go steady for a while.
Maybe you can show me the ways of the Arabic man.
Would you like to slip me a pickle?
I'll give you a nickel.
Yes. Don't act like you didn't hear me.
Come down here.
Do you have kosher menu items?
What?
Do you have kosher menu items?
I don't understand.
Are you a Jew? Do you like to eat pig? You don't eat pork?
Huh?
Do you eat pork? Oink, oink. Do you eat the piggies?
No, no.
No, no. Well, uh, well, the lark bar, you have a good evening or good morning,
whenever the hell it is over there. I have no idea.
And maybe I'll come and see you and I can give you that little kiss.
Like that
Would you like that, dear?
Just for you
I guess he doesn't want a kiss from an old lady
That's too bad
So many different butchers
Halal
Arshad halal meat
I wish I knew more weird-ass Arabic shit
Well, I guess I don't
Well, they certainly aren't going to answer
Going down the list that Nunu has provided
Some delicious numbers here
And I shall forward these on to the next person
If they'd like
Because, I don't know
Getting hit by different parties is certainly better than getting hit by one party.
Different odd inquiries throughout the day shouldn't hurt the business all that much.
Just disruptions, minor disruptions.
Now, these names are so foreign to me that I just don't know the difference between them.
I've lost my place.
Manhaba.
Hello.
Manhaba.
Assalamu alaikum.
My friend.
Hello.
Speak a goddamn English.
Hello.
Hello, my friend.
Hello.
Stupid.
You stupid.
So stupid.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Fucking faggot.
Try and call him again.
Oh, excuse me.
I love it when Skype connects a call and just doesn't do anything.
Gives you the silent treatment.
Amar halal.
Nunu, why did you give me these?
These are so goddamn weird.
Pork free is the way to be.
Hello.
Can I come down there and look at your selection of meats?
Oh, yes.
Do you have chicken?
Yeah.
You have chicken?
Yeah, chicken.
Can I bring my chicken in and you can cut it?
Full chicken.
I would like you to cut my...
Yes, can you murder my chicken and cut my chicken?
Yeah.
Okay, I bring my chicken, you pull the feathers out.
Can you take...
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can I bring my chicken and you cut the chicken and you breathe?
You make the chicken bleed?
Oh, so sexy.
Oh, I bring my chicken, you pluck my chicken.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
He's coming, okay, no problem.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, oh, training my chicken to poop on the potty.
What the fuck is that noise?
Durker, Durker, that does, uh, all of Nuno's UK numbers.
If anyone else has anything they'd like to send to me, please go ahead.
I am, uh, in the chat in one form or another.
Let me see here.
Test, test.
I am D-I-A-L-E-R.
Dialer in the chat.
MadhouseLive.com slash chat.
All right, moving on to Walmarts.
I know we've tried these to the death, but I think I have an interesting idea that might
Right. Drake, a nerve or two. Let's see what happens.
Thank you for calling Walmart.
Why won't it work? Oh, my God.
Okay, it's 421 on the East Coast.
Thank you for calling Walmart.
Who in Walmart are you?
Oh, my God. Am I on speakerphone?
There you are. Nobody else can hear you, hon.
Oh, wonderful. I'm calling you from the Cedar Knolls Walmart, the number 3598.
This is Cheryl.
Okay.
And we're out of triple-wide tampons.
I know this is kind of embarrassing, but can one of my staff run over there and grab a few packs so we can stock our shelves?
It's very embarrassing.
Let me get you an assistant manager.
Can you hold on?
Okay, yes, because we have a line of very big women waiting for their triple-wide tampons.
Can you hold on, please?
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I could just suggest that the customers shove three in at a time, but I swear to God, that hurts.
I've tried it.
One.
Assistant manager, Greg here.
Good morning.
Hello, Gregory. Are you okay? You don't sound too well.
Well, a little flu coming on. Oh, you are doing great.
Oh, dear. I'm doing quite all right, other than our shortage of tampons over here at the Cedar Knolls Walmart, store number 3598.
I was hoping I could have an associate of mine run over in their car and pick up a few, just, I don't know, a few packages just to hold our store over until we get the shipment in the morning.
No, my question is, who are you again? What's your name?
Cheryl.
Cheryl Hendley.
All right.
Now, are they doing an MTR on that merchandise?
Yes, we will make sure that the funds get exchanged properly.
Actually, I can have the associate compensate you personally if you wouldn't mind paying for it out of your pocket.
That's not going to happen.
No?
Why not?
We don't do that kind of business here.
Yes, we do.
We do this kind of thing all the time.
Who are you?
What's your name again?
My name is Greg Williams.
He's well known.
Greg Williams, the guy that won't accept a blowjob in exchange for triple-wide tampons.
My God, what has this world come to?
I hate this state.
I hate this town.
I hate this country.
I'm going to go take a Xanax.
You son of a bitch.
What can I do for you guys?
I hope you feel better because you just ruined my night.
Okay, I understand.
You're a faggot, motherfucker.
I'm going to go cry.
I can't believe you guys are having this much fun after that much beating yesterday by customers.
I know.
I just feel so dry now after all those customers came and they trampled and they pushed me and they were getting all over the place.
Some of them were yelling at me and spit was flying out of their mouth all over my glasses.
I had to polish them.
That's funny.
And I've been drinking cough syrup so I can forget the pain.
You did give me a laugh this morning.
Oh, good.
Good, I'm glad, but we really need those triple thick.
I can't believe the type of women coming out of the woodwork.
They're looking for the triple thick tampons.
I don't know what to do other than, we can do the MTR thing if you wish,
but I'd rather have one of my associates, you know, get on both knees and just write it off, so to say.
No, it's not the work.
You don't swing that way.
Is that the problem, Greg?
No, we don't do that kind of business here at Walmart store.
Well, we do it over here.
I don't know what the hell kind of management you have over there.
Excuse me?
Is this the Boontown Walmart?
It is the Boontown Mall.
Okay, over at Cedar Mills, Cedar Knolls, excuse me, we do things a bit different.
I know, that's why I came out here to try to straighten you guys out.
Oh my God, you think you're going to set us straight? You are mistaken.
We are open from 7 a.m. to 12 a.m.
Do you think we're normal by any means?
That's normal. Normally these stores run like this every day.
Oh, well, there's no reasoning with you, Greg.
Do you have anyone above you or below you I could talk to?
Because I need some favoritism.
I'm the highest thing here today at this time.
Yeah, you sound like it.
You sound like you've been smoking something.
No, I'm not.
But here is what I can tell you.
You're nuts.
I knew it.
Get your store manager or your assistant manager, whatever is over there,
and let them know who I am.
And then they can contact me or reach me out
if they need an MTR sent to their store.
But they can't definitely come pick it up.
That's per policy.
Yeah, that's per policy.
We don't do unwashed deals like that.
Don't call it that.
It's not dirty.
Party-favor deals like what you're saying.
Party-favor deals.
How dare you shun my way of life?
How dare you?
Well, you are funny.
You didn't give me a laugh this morning.
I'll tell Elton to get off the piano and give you a call.
All right.
And you have a good morning.
You too.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
Bye.
I'm exhausted after that one.
The first cowgirl left my ass off a power bottom.
All these comments.
Okay.
No pickup from that one.
No pickup from that one.
You're going to try.
I wonder if that one picked up because they're 12 a.m. through 11 p.m.
That's probably the case.
And excuse me.
I'm going to turn up my microphone a little bit because I'm having trouble hearing myself.
Pretty much having to suck the microphone here in order to be heard.
That simply isn't acceptable.
Ooh, I like this one.
Sonic the Hedgehog.
Yes, yes, that tickles my fancy.
Sonic the Hedgehog.
Mr. Spinball.
Anyone in the chatroom, can you name that zone on Sonic the Hedgehog?
Oh, yeah.
Rockin' out.
With our cracks out.
Black Friday, 4.29 AM.
Wow, half an hour already blown past.
We gotta get busy here.
Let's try this next Walmart, but I have a feeling none of these are gonna be open until 7 AM in the morning,
Which really blows ass
Like that
Nope, nope, nope
Ooh, wait a minute
Friday, 12 a.m. to 10 p.m.
This one will work
It's like their only day of the week where they open at 12 a.m.
Yes, perfect, just for me
It's for me and my voice
Morphing, my voice, morphing problem
Thank you for calling Walmart
I think I'll stick with Lucy
Hello, my name is Michelle Walmart, how can I help you?
Yes, who's this?
This is CSM, how can I help you?
Hi, this is Lucy Fillmore for Cedar Knolls Walmart
Walmart store number 3598.
How are you this evening?
I'm good.
How are you?
I'm doing okay.
Actually, it's morning now.
It's 4.30 a.m.
My goodness.
We have a bit of a shortage.
We were going to open up at our usual time, 7 a.m., but we are going through all the
shelves after the Black Friday thing, and we're noticing a big problem here.
Our triple wide tampons are missing.
We have none.
Can I have one of my associates come over there, and maybe we can do an MTR and get
get a few over here just until
the truck comes? Um, I can get a manager
for you. Hang on one second, please. Thank you, dear.
Better change your tampon, please.
Thank you. Yon.
Toxic shock zone. The winner.
Harry the fuck up. Harry the fuck up.
Now, thank you to Ching Chong.
I think Ching Chong was the winner who guessed.
And as a reward, I'm gonna
shove a tin can in my vagina.
Oh, I think it's starting to bleed.
God. Lord, help me.
Ah, oh, that's sharp.
Ooh, we got some numbers coming in from Kane.
I'm going to call back.
That manager's taking his sweet-ass time.
Thank you for calling Walmart.
Hello?
Hello?
Yes.
Yes, who's this?
We want to be from Electronics.
You're in Electronics?
I'm trying to get a manager.
See, I'm calling from the C to Knowles Walmart store, number 3598,
and we've run out of the triple white tampons,
and we wanted to do an MTR if you could.
You're going to get the customer service, man.
Oh, my God.
You're a gondu, aren't you?
you suit mother need for you ching you uh how do you say you banjo you mother toad hello hello
gandu hello ma'am contact the customer service yes please transfer me you stupid gandu chinga
to mallyway son of a bitch hello you're about as useful as a rubber dick with a split in the middle
useless thank you for calling walmart that's correct ching chong that suit mother did for
Look, that's Couta Maricha.
White House Walmart.
Yes, I'm so sorry to be paid in the ass.
This is Lucy from Cedar Knolls.
Yes.
Were you able to get a manager?
I am a manager.
Oh, wonderful.
What can I do for you?
We need to do an MTR on the triple thick maxi tampons.
You have to do an MTR?
Yes, we're all out.
The Black Friday sale, all these big women came in and they bought the triple thick tampons.
I've never seen anything like it in my life.
We don't sell them.
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
What do you mean?
Stupid bitch, she called my bullshit.
That would make her a smart bitch.
Fuck you, Walmart.
Fuck you in the ass.
With a wooden spoon.
So, chatroom, am I broadcasting both on Shoutcast and the Mixler?
Because I want to be nice and have this thing do what it's supposed to.
Is that right?
Attention, chatroom.
Attention.
I am talking into a Pringles can.
All right, moving on.
I think I've milked those dry.
We're going to move on to Toys R Us.
Sounds great, dialer.
That's great.
Hmm. Well, chat room, should we continue with Lucy, or should we move on to someone else?
Because, you know, we've got to mix it up a bit.
High definition Pringles can.
Yes, indeed. I'm just reading the hours here for Friday.
12 a.m. Toys R Us of Tom's River.
So what I'm going to do is I'm going to call the Tom's River location as the Freehold location.
That should be interesting.
What is it? The Horsey Cat? The Horsey Cat? I think that's what Carlitos said.
Thank you for calling Toys R Us. We will be closing at 10 p.m. and we'll open again tomorrow at 7 a.m.
For exciting employment opportunities with Toys R Us, visit our website at www.artofcareers.com.
www.w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w.
If you'd like to tune in to our videos, go to youtube.com slash gillilanderstv.
That's G-I-L-L-I-E-L-A-N-D-E-R-S.
TV.
Like that.
I just typed it into the chatty-poo.
Please stop singing.
You're making me nauseous.
I'm sorry.
It's just a beautiful song.
Why do you have a Jewish accent, too?
You usually don't.
I don't know.
You're just contagious, Lucy.
Well, shut the fuck up. I'm busy.
This one isn't going to work, so we'll call the next one.
Hurry up and be funny, Lucy. You're fucking boring me.
I'm sorry. I can only go as good as these things will go, you know?
The fuck are you blabbering about?
Thank you for calling Toys R Us. We will be closing at...
Your call is important to us.
Yeah, yeah. Hurry the fuck up.
Please hold.
Hurry up and be funny, Lucy. You're boring the fuck out of me.
Shut up, you asshole.
Toys R Us at Freehold. This is Samantha. How can I help you?
Hello, Samantha. How are you?
Hello?
Hello. What a bitch.
Now, I think there's something wrong with Skype again.
So I'm just going to do a quick cally-poo.
Hello, welcome to Skype Core Testing Service.
After the beep, please record a message.
Afterwards, your message will be played back to you.
Hello, Skype Test Lady.
Do you remember that scene in Mrs. Doubtfire when the son saw this dad in the woman's suit peeing, standing up?
I can do that too.
Ah, yeah.
Hello, Skype Test Lady.
Do you remember that scene in Mrs. Doubtfire when the son saw this dad in the woman's suit peeing, standing up?
I can do that too.
Excuse me, that was naughty.
Lucy, you're boring the fuck out of me.
Oh, shut up, you cocksucker.
We'll try to connect again.
Hopefully this bitch gets her phone fixed.
Thank you for calling Toys R Us.
We will be calling at 10 p.m.
Oh, I fucked it up.
You fuck everything up, Lucy.
You fucking suck.
Would you shut up before I kick you in the nuts?
Thank you for calling.
God.
Your call is important to us.
You're so negative.
Please hold.
I'm gonna kick his ass.
Maybe you have to, Billy.
You have to kick his ass.
Billy can't kick my ass. He's in a fucking wheelchair. What are you talking about?
Well, you'd be surprised. He can run you over with that fucking thing. It's electrical.
Thank you for calling Toys R Us at Freehold. This is Samantha. How can I help you?
Hello, Samantha. This is Lucy over at Tom's River, 6321. How are you?
I'm good. How are you?
Good. We're running out of the horsey cat, the horsey puss doll.
Do you have any in stock over there? We have people lining up for that thing.
Okay. Do you have the item number?
Uh, not offhand. They keep asking for it, though.
I have a line of people asking for the horsey cat, and I can't find it in the system.
Okay, hold on one second.
Am I saying that right? The horsey cat?
I have never heard of it.
Oh my, I haven't either. I think they're all crazy.
Maybe they're playing a joke on me. I don't know.
Carolyn, horsey cat? This comes over. They want to know if we have one.
She says that people keep asking for a horsey cat.
Yeah, none of us have heard of it.
Hold on, ma'am. I have a customer here who can give a description. Is that okay?
Okay.
Uh, hello?
Yes?
Yeah, my son really wants the horsey carrot.
It's his cat, which has the penis the size of a horse's penis.
It's a stuffed animal.
Ma'am?
I don't know.
She hung up on me.
Hello, ma'am?
Are you still there?
Hello?
Son of a bitch.
We gotta try that again.
I don't think that was very funny.
It was funny, you stupid motherfucker.
Thank you for calling.
Thank you for calling your fucking scrotum.
Your call is important to us.
Please hold.
Calling a scrotum?
Thank you, Dad.
You might have to, Billy.
You might have to.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Hi, this is Lucy again.
I got hung up on...
Hello?
Hello, this is Lucy over at Tom's River Location 6-3-2-1.
I got hung up on...
This is whose name?
I'm sorry?
Lucy Fillmore over at the Tom's River Toys R Us,
store number 6-3-2-1.
Okay.
I was hung up on by...
I'm not sure what her name was,
but I was trying to see if you had the horsey cat.
I have a line of customers asking for it, and I can't find it in the system.
Do you have it over there?
Horsey cat, and I put a customer on the phone to give a description
because I don't know what it is.
Richard, hold on. Richard's right here.
His name is Richard Barnswell.
He's one of the customers asking.
Can I put him on the phone with you? Okay.
Hello? Yes, do you have the horsey cat?
Because they don't seem to have it at the store.
Yes, it's a stuffed animal, and it looks like a kitten, kind of.
and if you touch the back it has like a button in it and it purrs but it also has the the penis
of a horse fascinating but i don't think anything like that actually exists no ma'am i'm sorry what
what did you tell him he seems very distraught now he seems very distraught very upset oh i'm
sorry to hear that but oh my god oh my oh my god he's he's putting his hand in his pants oh my god
God, he just whipped out his penis.
Oh, my.
It's so ugly.
Oh.
Ew.
I think you should call the police about that.
I'm going to call the police on him right now.
He's disgusting.
Oh, my God.
He's peeing on the floor.
Oh, he's peeing on the floor.
How terrible.
That's horrible.
You definitely feel something about that.
I mean, first off, I would be very confused when someone put their penis in the middle
of the door.
Oh, everyone's laughing at me.
I think I'm going to go insane.
Everyone thinks I'm crazy.
Help me, somebody.
Help me.
I'm sorry.
All right, you should definitely call him over.
I'm sorry, our building is on fire.
Sorry, goodbye, goodbye.
Apparently, his building is on fire now.
Okay, we're going to try another pair here and see if we can do the same thing.
Let me know if you want me to switch stores.
I have Kmart, I have Kohl's, I have Sears, I have, what is this, Staples.
All armed and ready for this kind of nonsense.
So, it's up to you.
More toys for us, chat room?
More toys for us?
I think they're quite funny with the horsey cat and with the penis.
Let's see. Someone has a vote for Kmart.
Oh, Kmart is opening at 8.
Opening at 8.
Doop-de-doop-doo.
Opening at 6. That doesn't help me.
7 a.m.
8 a.m.
Son of a bitch.
29th. That must be the Black Friday.
Okay, so this one is open.
Kmart number 9419.
Give that one a call-y-poo.
And pretend to be the one above it, which is...
The other Kmart.
Whoop-de-doo.
Excuse me.
Wasn't very late, was it?
Hello, Stephanie. This is Lucy at Kmart number 7177 over here on Main Street in Belleville.
We are running out of the horsey cat toy. Do you have any over there so I can direct customers your way?
Said what toy?
The horsey cat.
The horsey cat?
Yes.
Okay, hold on one moment.
Thank you. I'm getting transferred.
Kosher toys, okay.
Apparently the horsey cat also realistically defecates like a horse constantly.
That's disgusting.
No, we don't have them.
You don't have them.
It's one of those Yiddish toys.
It's Japanese to something, the Japani man.
And it's a kosher toy.
I don't know what that means.
I have a customer here.
He's asking for it.
Can he talk to you?
He has a description of it in the picture, but I can't make it out without my glasses,
and I can't find the bloody things.
Okay, hold on one moment, please.
Thank you.
I swear, I must have knocked my glasses over with my nipples into the trash bin or something.
I have to rummage through that.
Nope.
They're not in there.
Hello, are you in there, glasses?
Hello?
Glasses, come out.
Come out wherever you are, you fucking glasses.
Son of a bitch.
Hi, Veronica speaking.
How can I help you?
Hello, Veronica.
This is Lucy Fillmore.
How are you?
I'm fine, and yourself?
I'm good.
I'm calling from Kmart 7177 in Belleville.
Okay.
And we're out of the horsey cat.
I'm told by our computer here that we had at least 16.
They've all sold out, and I wanted to send customers your way if you had it.
Can you give me a description of the toy or like what company is it?
Yeah, I wasn't filming.
I just came on shift, so I don't know what they looked like.
Kara or Lauren could have told you what they were, but they just got off.
So let me, can I give you the customer so he can describe what he's looking for?
Yeah.
Okay, thank you so much.
Yes, just talking to the phone.
Talking to the phone.
Oh.
Hello, sir.
Hi, how are you doing?
Fine.
Can you just give me a brief description or the brand of the toy that you're looking for?
Yes, it's biculture, and it's this little cat, but it realistically behaves like a horse, and it defecates like a horse, and it has a penis like a horse, a big, large penis, and you pat the cat in the purse.
Okay, hold for one second, please.
Thank you.
I don't know if they're going to find it.
They're going to find it.
Don't worry.
I really want that cat, that horsey cat.
They're actually checking.
That's amazing that they're actually checking.
Yes, that's amazing.
That's wonderful.
That's delicious.
That's amazing.
That's awesome.
That's stupendous.
That's great.
That's wonderful.
Didn't you say that, or did I say that? I'm so confused.
That's beautiful.
Would you shut the fuck up?
Well, I'm kind of bored.
Well, you always get bored. Every five minutes, you're bored.
Hello?
Oh, you fucking transfer sound.
Fucking transfer sound?
Fuck the transfer sound right in the ass.
You would like that, wouldn't you?
You'd probably do it without fucking lube, wouldn't you?
Yeah, I'd do it without lube.
Dry anal rape is my middle name.
That's disgusting.
Don't you ever say that to me again.
I'll say what I want you for.
Hello?
Yeah, we no longer have that.
You no longer have that?
No.
That's very disappointing.
Can I look online to find it?
I'm sorry, can you repeat?
Sorry, my dentures are loose.
Can I look online to find that?
You can check online at Kmart.com to see, but I can't guarantee you that it's going to be there.
Okay, thank you.
Can I have the phone back?
Hello, this is Lucy again.
May I ask who I'm speaking with?
Veronica.
Veronica, are you a manager there?
Supervisor.
Supervisor.
Okay, okay.
I just got to take this down that you didn't have it there,
and we're going to call the next store.
And what is your bra size?
Excuse me?
I'm a triple E myself, but I just need to take that down for the record here.
Veronica, don't hang up on me.
Hello?
Hello, Veronica?
The supervisor doesn't know her own bra size.
Andy Frank board game, huh?
Jesus Christ, piss apples.
Pits with the fur.
Low, low, low, low, low, low.
For some reason, I want to hit that same store again.
I don't know what it is.
McCallum Middle Village Kmart.
Stephanie speaking.
How may I help you?
Hi, Stephanie.
My name is Tommy.
Hello?
Hello.
Hi.
My name is Tommy, and I want to buy a remote control car.
Are there a lot of people there?
Because I have anxiety.
I'm sorry?
I want to come buy a remote control car, but I have anxiety, so I can't be around too many people.
Mm-hmm.
Is it really busy there right now?
My daddy wanted me to call him.
No, hold on one moment, please.
Okay.
I can't do this.
I'm too anguish.
I'm too anguish.
Let me take it.
Okay, I'll take it.
Hello?
Oh, you fucking shit.
Who are you?
My name's Billy.
Oh.
Yeah, suck a dick, asshole.
Jesus Christ.
Now I'm getting really bored.
Why don't you jack off or something?
That's what I do when I'm bored.
Okay, that sounds fun.
Man, do it in private.
Go use the bathroom or something.
Oh, okay.
Asshole was pulling his dick out right in front of me and having a wank.
What a re-card.
Okay, I'm bored.
I'm bored too.
I'm gonna go wank.
What the fuck is going on here?
There's jars of lube open everywhere.
Still haven't found my glasses and they're not in that goddamn trash can.
Son of a bitch.
Alright, scoping through the numbers some more.
Holiday hours.
What is today's date?
I wish I knew.
29th.
Okay, that helps.
Tremendous.
This one is open.
I'm back.
I finished and it was glorious.
Glorious how, man?
Oh, it was like a fountain. Like the kind you see in Las Vegas, Nevada. Those beautiful, lit up fountains.
You're talking about your ejaculate, right?
Oh, yes. It was so beautiful, I shot all over the mirror.
Did not need to know that, sir.
Well, I'm a sharing kind of person. Here, take my hand.
Oh, what is that? Ugh, God.
That's some of my ejaculate.
Oh my Jesus fuck, you retard.
I ain't no fucking retard.
Magic fountain my ass, man. God, I'm gonna go fucking vomit now. Lucy, take over.
Okay, I'm back. I couldn't figure out how to work the pay toilet, so I just took a dump on the floor.
Sometimes a woman has to do what a woman has to do. I'm sorry.
Little residual.
Good morning. Thank you for calling West Orange Kmart. How may I help you?
Yes, hello. This is Lucy calling from Kmart number 3459 over in Jersey City. How are you?
I'm great. How are you?
I'm good. We have a little bit of a problem there over here.
Here, um, I am so tired, I gotta tell you, these customers are driving me nuts.
I have a line of people asking for a horsey cat, and we're fresh out, and I don't know what it is.
Do you know what the horsey cat is?
Oh, it's a toy?
Yes, it's a toy, it's, yes.
Okay, give me one second.
Okay, thank you so much.
Boop, boop, transfer again.
All around the mulberry bush, the kitties chase the cat.
I don't know what the fuck I'm saying.
Pop goes the horsey puss.
Is that what they call it when the horse is in heat?
No, I think that's when the vagina of the horse is winking, when the horse winks.
Oh, yeah, that's what that's called.
Yes, and the horsey cat is kind of like a horse's pussy, but it's not.
Does a horsey cat wink?
Yes, it has that little twitch to the ass, but it squirts, too.
And like Sloth said, a ridiculous amount of horse fecal matter pops out the back of it.
It's like one of those volcano experiments with the baking soda.
Oh, I see.
Yeah, so hopefully we can get these customers situated.
Hello?
You fucking bitch.
Gonna have to call back.
Boots with the fur.
West Orange Kmart.
Hi, I'm sorry to be a pain in your ass, but I got hung up on.
Who were you trying to transfer me to, Toys?
No, I didn't answer the phone.
Oh, oh, wonderful.
Can you help me?
I'm calling from Kmart number 3459 over at Jersey City.
Okay, one second.
Okay.
Goddamn with the transferring.
I ought to stomp on her clitoris and smash it into a million pieces.
Just smash, smash, smash like that.
Smash the clitoris.
And then I'm going to take a dump out of anger.
Yes, that's why I'm angry.
Moving on.
Christ sakes.
Picnic basket full of shit.
There's no reason we need to be shackled by the strictures of the employee-employer relationship.
Unless, of course, you're into that sort of thing.
In which case, I've got some shackles in the back.
I'm just kidding.
Giggity.
I've got it.
We'll always love you.
It is fast approaching the 5 o'clock hour,
and I would just like to reiterate what will be going on during the 24-hour marathon of Madhouse.
What are we calling this?
The Thanksgiving 24-hour prank marathon.
Let me turn this goddamn Christ-fathaken music down.
Richard?
Yeah?
Can you do the announcement?
Yes, okay.
Right now, you're listening to the Global Chaos Radio.
We are on until 6 a.m., and then at 6 a.m., Ice Goose and Sloth will take over until 8 a.m. for the science show.
And then at 8 a.m. to 12 p.m., it's the Brent Westwood Show on the Madhouse Radio Networks.
And then 12 p.m. to 4 p.m., it'll be Roy and Stacey, the RBCP and Stacey Stack Morning Wacky Nasty Crazy Show.
Whatever you want to call it, it's great. It's awesome.
Awesome. Everything you're going to hear in a 24-hour period is awesome, was awesome, and will always be awesome every time you replay it back on your goddamn tape player, if you still use a tape player.
Personally, I use an 8-track because you get more tracks to choose from. You push the button and it changes the song.
Shut up. Just do it.
Okay. And after that is 4 p.m. to 7 p.m. It's the Psycho Show with Lux. Wonderful show, that is. And 7 p.m. to 10 p.m., topping it off with Jaiad, or Jihad, and the Art of Phone Locking. Such a beautiful show. Lots of funny crowdsourcing materials there, thanks to the power of Craigslist and the incredible imagination of Jihad. Jihad, Jihad, whatever. I'll never know. I'll have to ask him.
Thank you. You can go take a drink now.
Oh, thank you so much.
Oh, that shit is good.
Oh, yeah.
Would you shut up and let me do this?
God, I think I'm tired of Kmart.
29th, 12th, do-do.
Let me just see which one I just called.
Okay, one more Kmart, only because I hate them.
We'll always love you.
We'll always love you.
Good morning, Kmart. How can I help you?
Yes, hello, this is Lucy calling from store number 3459 in Jersey City.
How are you?
I'm good, how are you?
Um, a little bit stressed, to be honest.
Me too.
We're looking for something.
Oh, God, these customers, I gotta tell you.
I've taken so much Xanax tonight, this morning, whenever.
Oh, you too?
Yes, oh, my God.
Has it been hectic in your store?
Crazy, and now I have a line of people in the toy section asking for a horsey cat,
and I don't know what the fuck it is.
What is it?
Horsey cat.
Horsey cat?
Horsey cat, yes.
I thought I was going crazy, but no, that's what they want, is a horsey cat.
Is it in the flyer?
A what?
Is it in the flyer? Is it in the sales circular?
Oh, I don't, I didn't see it in the flyer, but they're all asking for it.
And apparently we had it a few hours ago, but it's all gone.
Horsey's Tad.
Yes, um, I have a customer here who has a description of it, but I can't find it in our system.
Okay.
Could I put him on the phone?
Sure.
Yeah, he's a bit young, but I think he knows what he's talking about.
No problem.
Billy?
Hi, ma'am.
Hi, I wanted to buy a horsey cat for my sister for Christmas.
okay and it's a stuffed animal that has uh it looks like a cat and you pat it and it purrs
and then it has the penis of a horse that grows when you pat it and then it has a lot of horse
shit that comes out the ass hello yep yeah i can't believe oh my god that's what they want
they want this oh my god i've never heard of something so nasty you don't have those over
over there, do you? Because if you do, you should take
them off the shelves. Okay.
Sounds disgusting.
Mm-hmm. You wouldn't give that
to your child, would you? No, I wouldn't.
Oh, my God. My God.
Should I send them your way? Do you have any
in stock? No, I don't.
Okay. Thank you, dear, for checking.
Thank you. Hope you have a better morning.
Thank you.
My inhaler's running dry.
God. No, I know.
I keep seeing this Hyde and Frank
game, and I'll try that next. I'm sorry.
But the horsey cat is just so fun.
Back to Toys R Us, because I had so much luck with them.
Calling Toys R Us.
We will be close.
Your call is important to us.
Please hold.
Bullshit.
That's what they said.
I don't believe it.
Not for a minute.
Why not?
Because they always lie on the phone.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Well, maybe you would if you read the sales materials.
Oh, you know everything, don't you?
Pretty much.
More than I want to know.
Oh, really?
Like what?
Well, for example, the men in the bathroom.
room, they have this thing called a glory
hole. What's it, Toys R Us?
It's a kid's store. Yes, kid's store
it may be, but the things they do
there, the things they permit, it's
disgusting. That one's not going to pick up.
Okay, so we'll try the next one.
Toop-boop-ba-doop-boo.
This one opens Friday
Oh, 12 a.m. Perfect.
Thank you for calling Toys R Us.
You're welcome. Your call is
important to us. Please hold.
Please hold. Toys R Us,
Danny speaking out to help you. Hello,
Hello, Danny. How are you?
Good. How are you?
Good. This is Lucy over at the Langhorne 5770 Toys R Us.
Doing pretty good, other than I have a line of customers asking for the Hyde and Frank board game.
Oh, we don't have it anymore.
Oh, what happened to it? Did it sell out over there, too?
Yeah, yeah, we did. I mean, it probably went off the shelves. We were trying to look for it and everything.
Oh, my God.
so do you think anyone in pa has it oh i'm i've called all the new jersey stores so my next choice
is to send people over to pennsylvania but that's kind of crazy hide and frank who would have thought
i know that's that's what we thought too and it's a crazy game i don't understand it why is that
popular it's like pin the freaking mustache on hitler for crying out loud it's morbid god you
You sound like a charming young man.
I should have you over for coffee sometime.
Oh, thank you.
Do you like old ladies?
Yes, yes.
My grandmother.
I always have tea with my grandmother.
You love your grandmother.
Well, I love young boys like yourself.
Maybe you can come over and have some tea and we can talk and maybe you can get to know
me a little better and I can show you my bedroom and we can sit on the bed and talk about
different things.
Son of a bitch, he hung up.
I wonder why.
Oh, I must contain myself.
He obviously liked men.
I was just busting his balls.
Yes, hello, this is Lucy Fillmore calling from the Langhorne 8311 location in Langhorne, Pennsylvania.
We wanted to know if you had that, um, Hide Anne Frank board game so I can send people over there to buy it.
Hide Anne Frank.
Frank, do you have the item number?
Uh, no, I don't, unfortunately, because it looks like we didn't ever stock it here.
So I'm wondering if it's something we even carried at any of our stores.
That, and I have a line of people asking for the horsey cat.
Oh, and this is a crazy one.
I don't understand where this is coming from.
Far and left field, but it's in the, you know, the little kits where you can be a policeman or you can be a doctor.
Someone's asking for the self-circumcision kit, and I don't understand what the hell that's all about.
It's by Halal International.
The brisket or something.
Brisket.
kit it sounds like something you eat because this is the express store the other bigger oh you're
the small store i'm sorry okay five four okay oh seven four okay so you're the express store
is your penis small too sorry is your penis small too like the store yeah the store is smaller than
the regular toys the rust is your penis smaller than the regular toys rust employees penises
well you should check it out sometime buy a cigar cutter and match it up
okay have fun with that bye-bye i didn't say thanks you stupid fuck know who you're talking
to so let me clue you in i am not in danger skyler i am the danger a guy opens his door and
gets shot and you think that of me now i am the one who moving on there's more toys the russes to
uh to conquer but first i have to reboot my microphone again silly dilly microphone silly
dilly-dilly-doo-dah, doopie-doopie-dah.
It can do all kinds of crazy shit like this.
Or like this.
Or like this.
Or like this.
Or like this.
Or like this.
In your ass.
Hello, hello.
Hello.
Is anyone out there?
Hello.
Hello.
Hi.
Oh, that sounds like shit.
Sounds like I'm talking in the toilet.
Hello.
Hello.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Trippy, it's Lucy.
3D Lucy.
Hello, everyone.
3D Lucy.
3D Lucy.
Juicy Lucy.
just grab my pussy and go to town let me just reset this to normal it's all fucked up now
sounds like shit sounds like i'm talking in the toilet hello hello oh my god oh my god trippy
it's lucy 3d lucy hello everyone 3d lucy juicy lucy just grab my pussy and go to town let me
just reset this to normal it's all fucked up now yes so you can understand why i don't bother with
any of that stuff. Sometimes I have to
reset the goddamn thing. Skiddly-diddly-
boo-ba-ba-doo. Melodic
Metal. That's what kind of genre we're
listening to. 8331.
Hopefully this goes well.
I'm in need of some good luck.
We're calling Toy Bar.
It sounds like it's underwater.
Please hold.
I'm gonna call that again. I think it was just a bad
Skype trunk connection. And there's an
even worse bad nasty Skype
trunk connection. What the fuck, Skype? Get your
your shit together. That's cleaner. That's nicer. Thank you for calling Toys R Us. Your call is
important to us. Please hold. They're lying. I know it. We were in love with this, Lucy. I know,
but they're lying. So, who gives a shit? I do. It's just not right, damn it. Go find your glasses.
Hello? Glasses, are you in there? Hello? Glasses, are you in the trash can? Hello? Excuse me,
I farted in the trash can. Oh my god, that was saucy. Never did get that can out of my vagina.
Ow, blood everywhere.
Is there a doctor in the house?
God, Christ, Jesus, Spaginas, Jungenschmatz.
All right, I'm not waiting around.
I'm going to try the next one.
We're calling Toys R Us in the house.
I can help you.
Hello, how are you?
Oh, pretty good.
Oh, my God.
I finally got through to someone.
This is Lucy Fillmore from the Tom's River Toys R Us, 6-3-2-1.
We're all out of the horsey cat doll.
Do you have any there?
The what now?
The horsey cat.
What
that is you mean the for real
cat the kitten no it's i have like four people standing in line asking for the horsey cat and
they're singing the theme song from the commercial horsey cat horsey cat you're delicious you taste
like fishes your cock so damn long and i don't know what the hell that is four people in line
at the tom's river store singing that horsey cat commercial song i don't know what that is i mean
if you can grab me an item number i mean i could you know look i wish i had it but i can't pull it
up i was searching by description i have a customer here who could describe it would that help uh
not really i mean because the only thing i have is uh like in the line of that is in the for real
Real Friends Isle, there's a horse, but it's called Buttercup, and it's from last year.
I don't even know if I have those.
Is the Buttercup?
There's a kitten, and then there's a monkey.
Buttercup.
That sounds familiar, that Buttercup.
Is that when they, the horse?
Yeah, it was a big Christmas item last year.
They were hard to come by.
Is that when the horse, Ejaculate, is captured in a cup?
I don't think so.
No, I must be confused.
But this horsey cat, it's a stuffed animal cat that has the penis of a horse.
No, I don't got that.
That's what they're telling me.
I believe you.
I don't have it, though.
And it has realistic fecal matter droppings that come out the rear end.
That's awesome.
I do not carry that.
Oh, my God.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
They're getting really angry, and they keep chanting the song.
Ask your manager.
Horsey cat, horsey cat, you're delicious.
You taste like fishes.
Your cock is so long.
I don't understand.
I've never heard anything like it.
Well, you're a rude little cunt, aren't you?
I don't have it.
If you say you're in trouble, you want to tell your manager.
There's nothing I can do for Madeline.
Well, if I drive over there, could you show me that you don't have it?
Can I bring these idiots in my minivan over there so they can see?
No.
Why not?
I gotta go now.
You gotta man up and face the music, you bastard.
There's no real men in the world, are there?
Christ.
Daft Punk, cover.
I must go use the bathroom for real this time.
For realsies.
I will be right back, I promise.
That's on, ladies and gentlemen.
Global Chaos Radio will return in just a few minutes.
Minutes.
Great.
I got a snowmobile that's got a little bit of windshield to it.
Could you tint that?
Yeah, it's got a little bit of a windshield, but I'd like you to tint it.
How much would you charge?
Just for the windshield, $80.
Ah, sorry, what?
$80.
$80, that sounds great.
How much would you charge to tint my dick?
How much would you charge to tint my dick?
How much would you charge for the mic?
I don't know, I was asking you.
You're the tinting expert, because I was told that if it's darker, it looks bigger.
Isn't that right?
I bet you're...
I'm a big fat fucking...
I'm a big, fat, fucking white guy, you know?
I'm a big, fat, fucking white guy.
If I had a tinted dick, I'd get all kinds of pussy, right?
Well, but I gave you a fucking white shirt.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's why I want to get my dick tanned, so I look like a Negro from the waist down.
So you can call your mother, that way they can do it.
How about I say chinga tu madre to you, motherfucker?
To you, motherfucker?
I don't know what the fuck you want.
Chinga tu madre, son of a bitch.
Son of a bitch.
Chinga tu madre.
La toya.
Chinga tu hijo de puta madre.
I don't know what the fuck you want.
I want you to tan me from the waist down, man, with the tint and shit.
You got to tint my cack.
You got to come over here and tint my cack.
Go come over here, you son of a bitch.
Eat that turkey.
Eat that turkey and come over here.
Oh, yeah, I'm going to come over there, and I'm going to bring my dick,
and you're going to tint it, and I'll pay you 80 bucks.
Oh, cam over?
Cam over?
Well, we'll have it out. We'll have it out.
I'll show you how big my turkey was.
You show me how big your turkey was.
And then we bang each other's wife.
You're a string bean.
You ain't nothing. You don't got no muscle on you.
You're a string bean.
You got small...
You're a mother to...
You're a mother to...
So don't even call me. I don't know why you call me.
Because you're a stupid, dirty Mexican. That's why.
Because you're a stupid, dirty Mexican.
You won't do the work for me.
If I am, what is your fucking problem, asshole?
I don't have a problem, I'll just tell you in the state of the fact there.
So what are you calling, asshole?
Well, I wanted you to tan my dick!
I want you to just tan my dick!
Well, I already told you, what would your mother probably do to you?
If you're fucking white...
But my mother's dead.
My mother's dead!
No, you're...
You're just fucking asshole, you're just fucking dick.
Would you charge extra to tan my throttle?
Would you charge extra to tint my balls?
hey you crazy bastard yeah i'm calling about the well pump yeah yeah that thing looks like
it's pretty powerful is it used or brand new brand new in the box yes sir who's to say i
take it home and it works yeah you can can you prove that it works yeah so we put it in a bucket
of water or something or i just shove it up your ass and fire it up we got to figure out if this
this thing works. I'm going to give you some money if it works.
You can sue him, yeah. So you're on
525 Yorba the Road. You know who
else is there? Oh my god, this guy.
He's got like these girls. They go
out and they have sex with people for money.
He's like, he's on 530
Yorba the Road. Do you know Jimmy?
Do you know Jimmy? Do you know
Big Jimmy Coxsack? Who? Big Jimmy
Coxsack. Maybe you should talk
to him sometime. He can hook you up with some girls.
They suck dick like a motherfucker.
Sounds like you've got a Thanksgiving party.
I'm going to let you to it, and I'll call you back about this thing.
I've just got to figure out if I have enough lube to accommodate.
All right.
Toodle-oo, you wonderful man.
Play some music on my skin flute.
All that skin flute.
My ass.
Order of my ass.
Yeah, it was really cool.
And then M&M's came out my nose.
Global Chaos Radio.
Guess who's back, bitches?
It's me, Lucy, with the droopers.
I swear to God, I have these.
They touch my knees, and they bounce around.
And I have to roll them up before I put them into a bra.
I swear to God.
But it's okay. I only step on them every once in a while, and the shooting pain only lasts for half an hour.
Okay, we're officially running dry on the Toys R Us, not because I don't have numbers, but just because I'm, like, bored.
But Staples, on the other hand...
Let's just play off the idea.
Well, I have the store numbers, but I want to try something different. This is my other premise.
And I won't tell you what it is, I'll just do it. Do it to it. In your ass.
Thank you for calling Staples. We're here to make it easy.
Lucy, for holiday hours, please visit the store locator link on staples.com.
We are currently closed.
Son of a bitch, I didn't check the hours.
Shoot me in the dick.
Oh, I mean, I don't have a dick.
I'm a woman.
My name is Lucy.
Bullshit.
Shut up, you ass.
Now this one, this one.
Oh, wait, this is a Walmart.
Fuck the Walmart.
Excuse me.
That was sexy.
Shut up.
I'm going to kick you right in the scrote.
Right in the scrotilia.
Oh, that one's not open.
It's not open.
That one's not open.
Well, fuck Staples.
They're not open.
Kohl's, their stupid website is stupid, so I'm not going to bother.
Sears has a good website.
They have lots of good information.
This one is open.
20.
Oh, midnight.
Perfecto.
Thank you for calling Sears at the Newport Center Mall in Jersey City.
Oh, that one's in the mall.
That won't work.
Try the next one.
Oh, that's the Auto Center.
God damn it.
How about this one?
Thank you for calling Sears in Brooklyn.
Tell me which department you'd like, or say department list, store hours, or store location.
Department list.
All right, here's a list of many of our popular departments.
You can interrupt at any time and request any department, even if it's not on this list.
Auto center, part service and repair, credit, home delivery, appliances, optical, tools, electronics,
electronics, portrait studio, apparel, lawn and garden, fitness, merchandise pickup, home
fashion, shoes, jewelry, and human resources.
One moment while I transfer your call to our store support center.
Your call may be monitored or recorded to ensure quality service.
Hello?
Hello?
I can hear the call center, but I can't hear people.
Hello?
Bitch.
Thank you for calling Sears and one moment while I transfer your call to our store support
center.
Your call may be monitored or recorded to ensure quality service.
Thank you for calling Sears National Call Center for your local store.
My name is Joey.
How may I assist you with your product information for Beverly Road?
Oh, you know where I'm calling about.
So you know about the guy climbing up on the side of the building?
Guy climbing up on the side of the building?
Yes.
No, my cousin Richard is in there taking advantage of some of the sales,
and there's this ugly blue van parked near the gate,
and there's this weird gentleman climbing up the wall
and at the roof there is a couple of guys
who look like they have television sets
and they're just standing up there
trying to figure out how they're going to get them down.
I'm filming it right now with my camera.
Let me go ahead and get you over to Lodge Prevention, okay?
Okay, thank you.
Not a problem. Thank you for choosing this series.
I'm transferring you now.
Oh, well, I guess they don't want to prevent their loss.
That's their loss that they didn't prevent.
Naughty on them.
What are people saying in the chat room?
LOL.
There must be a way to get through and actually talk to someone at that stupid store.
I'll try again.
Thank you for calling Sears in Brooklyn.
Tell me which department you'd like.
Or say department list, store hours, or store location.
Department list.
All right.
Here's a list of many of our popular departments.
You can interrupt at any time and request any department, even if it's not on this list.
Auto Center, Part Service and Repair, Credit, Home Delivery, Appliances, Optical, Tools, Electronics, Portrait Studio, Apparel, Lawn and Garden, Fitness, Merchandise Pickup, Home Fashion, Shoes, Jewelry, and Human Resources.
Human Resources.
One moment while I transfer your call.
I guess that's not going to work.
Excuse me.
You sounded like a man clearing his throat.
No, that was the womanly throat clearing.
You better listen clearly. Listen better.
No, that sounded like a grown man clearing his throat.
Oh, you shut up!
Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo.
I need to find a Walmart or something. I guess I'll call this one again.
Thank you for calling Walmart.
Walmart, how can I help you?
Hi.
Hello.
Hi, hello, how are you?
Hello.
Hello, stupid.
Hello, hello.
Hi, dumbass.
Hello.
Hi, dumbass. Todd.
Thank you for calling Walmart.
Good morning, I'm parked around the back of your store.
Hello, dumbass.
Goodbye.
Dick.
I know they can hear me.
You know what?
Just because they're being assholes, I'm going to call them concurrently multiple times.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That'll be a lot of fun.
I can only find the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, there it is.
Okay, there's their phone number.
I'm going to convert it into something nice.
Something really good that I can use right here.
Okay, a one, a plus one.
Okay, add people.
Wonder how many incoming lines they have.
Let's test it right now.
Gonna try with four at a time.
Oh shit, I have to start the call, I'm sorry.
Try again.
Hang up real quick.
Then we're gonna add more people to the phone call.
One, two, three for a total of four people.
Four lines being called concurrently at the same location, using nothing other than Skype.
Here it goes.
Thank you for calling Wombat.
Thank you for calling Wombat.
Thank you for calling Wombat.
Thank you for calling Wombat.
Thank you for calling Wombat.
Wombat.
How can I help you?
You're stupid.
You heard me that time, stupid bitch.
Round of applause for the stupid bitch.
You have to call her back four times concurrently.
Thank you for calling Wombat.
Walmart, Walmart, Walmart.
Boone, Walmart, how can I help you?
Hi, can you hear me?
Boone, Walmart, how can I help you?
Hi, hello.
Boone, Walmart, how can I help you?
Hi, how's it going?
Hello.
Hello, are you there?
Yes, I'm here, how can I help you?
Oh, good, you can finally hear me.
You put your goddamn hearing aid in.
That's great, that's great.
Is this a prank phone call?
No, I was trying to get through to you,
and you're being really rude, and you're saying,
I can't hear you, I'm hanging up now,
because I'm a stupid cunt.
Bitch.
Oh, I finally got through to them.
Earth to Walmart.
Hallmark.
Goddamn.
Now, what to do?
I turn to the chat room for ideas.
Anything?
Anything at all?
Oh, yes.
I had an idea.
Let's go to my final idea.
Nope, that's not going to work.
Aha.
Toys R Us distribution centers.
See what kind of hell we can raise there.
Not feeling the background music.
The Toys R Us regional office and distribution center.
The worldwide authority on kids, families, and fun.
If you are using a touch-tone phone and know your party's extension, you may enter it at any time during this message.
Great.
The region is open Monday through Friday from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m., and the distribution center is open Sunday through Friday.
For guest service issues, please call 1-800-TOYS-RS.
Press 9 to reach your party by spelling their last name, or press 7 for a DC directory.
1 for the general manager, 2 for the inbound operations manager,
Press 3 for the Outbound Operations Manager.
Press 4 for the Facilities Manager.
Press 5 for Transportation and Store Delivery Information.
You are being transferred to Chuck Gerak.
Chuck Gerak and his dirty ball sack.
Hi, this is Chuck Gerak.
Please leave your name and number at the tone and I'll get back with you as soon as...
I have a feeling that nobody is there.
How's that?
Hmm, Kmart Distribution Center.
I wonder if they're open.
Kind of doubt it.
Hello, and thank you for calling the Ocala Florida T-Mart Distribution Center.
Gray, please get an operator.
Woman, please.
Tabachi.
For Dispute Centers, John speaking.
How may I help you?
Hey, John, how you doing?
Hey.
Hey, well, what is up with this fucking Skype?
The goddamn Skype machines.
Test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, test, tickle, tickle, test.
Wow, it just doesn't want to work.
Not picking up any audio.
I'm under the impression that the stream is working.
Stream is working.
Test.
Check. Hello. Well, now it's working.
Little bit. Little bit. No. Now it's not working.
What the fuck, Skype? Gonna have to exit you.
You son of a bitch.
When Skype fails,
use a different client. Show Skype who's
the boss. Skype is a big pile of
shit, so we're gonna flush it.
You know, I'm gonna use this other client now.
But it works consistently. Code my
DTMF tone. You can decode them and spit them out in the
chat. Do so now.
Calling the Ocala Florida Kmart
Distribution Center. Yay.
John, how are you doing?
This is Tom.
I had a little bit of trouble getting through to you for a second there.
I don't know what the hell happened.
That's a little weird.
I'm outside and the key pin isn't working.
I can't seem to get into the building.
Can you help me?
All right.
No problem.
Not in a rush.
I'm at the back door.
There's a 38 written next to the door.
Yes.
Okay.
Not a problem, sir.
All right.
See you soon.
Okay, sir.
Bye.
Call him again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
Yes.
Thank you.
Calling the Oklahoma-Laura Kmart Distribution Center.
And again.
And again.
Thank you for calling Kmart Distribution Center.
John speaking.
How can I help you?
John?
Yes.
Hi.
I am stuck in my car.
I can't get out.
Can you help me?
Uh, hold on one second. Can you hold one second, ma'am?
Yes.
Ma'am, are you there?
Yes.
Okay, where are you exactly?
I'm stuck in front of the main gate. It won't open. I'm using my key card.
The main gate?
Yeah.
Are you by the front here?
Yes.
Hold on one second. I got somebody coming on in. Hold on, ma'am.
Okay. God, it sounds like Ken.
I'm still trying to locate exactly where you are, ma'am.
Hold on just a second. I'm going to take a look around.
Okay, I'll get you. Call me back, okay?
Oh, wait a minute. Oh, my God.
You know where the road comes in? Hold on.
Hold on. Hold on. I'm on 49th Avenue. Does that help?
Yeah, hold on one second, ma'am. I've got people coming in. Hold on.
Hello, ma'am. You still there?
Yes. Jim should be coming in any minute now.
Yeah, Jim just came back. He just walked by me.
Oh, could I talk to him? Would it be a terrible bother?
Uh, look, I think he just went by me here.
Is he going to his office?
He probably is.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Do you think he's there by now, or...
No, he just passed me. He should get there about another minute or two. It's a little bit of a walk.
Do you have his extension there, or could you transfer me?
Yeah, I'd have to transfer you over to him.
Okay. Thank you, John.
So what exactly is going on, though? I mean, can you come into the front main entrance here?
Yeah, I'm going to have to come back. I'm going to have to come back.
Okay, because I don't see exactly what the problem is. Do you have a main entrance gate problem?
Yeah, I don't know what it is.
Because the only other thing right in the back of us is the truck gate.
Oh, I must be confused.
Oh, my God.
I'm so tired.
Yeah, there's only about two entrance areas.
Either Southwest 49, that leads you to the truck gate, or Southwest 52nd brings you to the employee parking lot.
Okay.
Well, do you think Jim's available now?
Yeah, hold on.
Give me one second, ma'am.
Okay.
Yeah, I'm big time busy.
All right, ma'am, I'm back again.
Okay.
You still there?
Yeah, can I talk to Jim?
Jim? Yeah, let me go ahead and transfer you over
to him. Okay, hold on one second. Okay, thank you.
Hey, this is Jim. Hi, Jim.
How are you doing? It's Carrie. Good.
I just talked to John. He
said he saw you a few minutes ago
and he was telling me that he was
I don't know, he
have you ever noticed him looking at you kind of funny?
He was telling me that he really
has the hots for you and he wants to suck your dick.
Jim? Yeah. Yeah.
Did you ever notice that before?
Did he ever tell you that? Because we can't have that kind
of behavior going on here. We need to stay
professional. I don't care what pay grade
you're on. You know what I'm saying? You know where I'm
coming from? Okay. Yeah, I don't
appreciate that. And for him to tell me,
I mean, what were you going to tell me?
And who is this? Carrie, I thought you and I
had a thing. Do the dates mean
nothing to you? You ain't nothing but a stupid
janitor. Okay. Okay?
And who is this? You sound like a
heavy guy, too. You're like...
Oh, yeah. Oh. Try it again.
Try it again. Try it again. It's a number.
Oh, man. Thank you for calling
the Ocala, Florida, Kmart distribution
I think we're on K-More Disputes.
Hi, John, it's Carrie again.
Yes.
I just spoke with Jim, and he was acting kind of weird.
He was saying weird things about you that you were looking at him kind of weird.
I was, well, the only thing I saw was the ID badge.
Yeah.
The only thing I was looking about.
I didn't see it, so when I saw his ID badge, I was fine.
Oh, okay, because he was kind of nervous.
He thought you were kind of undressing him with your eyes.
Jim
has known me a long time i was kind of
surprised that he would i would do that and why would he tell me i barely know jim i have no idea
this black cloud that's this place and that's some sort of evil and i don't know that is weird
i mean you don't look at him like that i swear to god i've never seen you look at anyone like that
uh i would not want to undress other guys so that's weird that's so does she still
does she still suck your dick excuse me ma'am does she still suck your dick ma'am i i don't
that appropriate to talk like i'm sorry i'm sorry um because i could show her a thing or
two about how to please man you know uh no ma'am that's not not well jim said your jim said your
Your wife isn't very good looking.
Uh, she hasn't seen my wife.
He hasn't?
No.
Then why would he say such a nasty thing about her?
He said that she seems to have a mustache?
No.
That's so weird.
I don't know why I'm in the middle of all of this.
I think it's very unprofessional for him to be sharing that stuff.
And I think, well, are you sure he hasn't seen her?
Uh, ma'am, nobody has seen her.
Weird.
So, um, I'm sorry, what?
What is your name, ma'am?
Carrie.
Carrie Hunt.
Mary Hunt.
Okay.
Yes.
Is there a number we can get a hold of you?
Yes.
212-486-3258.
That's my cell phone, and I'm in town for a week now.
Okay.
And, yeah, if you could ask Jim why he would be saying such odd things to me, of all people.
I mean, I just needed to get his current supply list.
Well, I don't know why he would say such a thing.
I mean, I've been here a year and a half.
Yeah, that's your security, right?
Yes, I am.
Yes, okay.
I'm supposed to observe people coming on and everybody's safety and well-being.
Right, it's so weird.
I'm actually help supervise the ship.
Yeah.
Could I talk to him one more time?
I just want to make sure he has the fax number correct.
Okay, hold on one second.
Thank you.
This is Jim.
Hey, Jim, I just talked to John again.
He really, really wants to suck your dick.
And who is this?
He's so horny right now.
He's just telling me that he's sweating, thinking about undressing you slowly and then licking your nipples.
Maybe you ought to go over there and tell him that his wife is all he needs, you know?
Well, you tell me where I can find her and I'll let him know.
Yeah, I mean, he shouldn't be sharing this kind of information with me.
I don't find it professional at all.
It's just a fact, you know?
Yeah, he said something about a black cloud over the whole facility and people are doing crazy things lately.
And he was telling me he wanted to do crazy things to you.
Crazy, irrational things, you know?
I just don't understand the thing you two have.
I mean, I thought, I don't know, you know?
It's weird.
Hey, are you listening to Boston right now?
Oh, I love that band.
Huh?
Are you listening to Boston on the radio right now?
I love that band.
More than a feeling.
By the way, you have toilet paper between your ass cheeks.
Just thought I'd let you know.
It's the Don't Look Back album, right?
More than a feeling.
I just finished in my pants.
All right, Jim, take care.
We had enough fun with you.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, coming to the end of my shift,
I'd like to reiterate the schedule, the upcoming schedule.
Right now, we have coming up, where's the forums?
The schedule.
We have the science show.
Oh, shit, coming in double here.
We have, oh, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop.
Close that shit down.
I like that.
That particular voice over IP program has a really clear codec.
I can hear the radio in the background.
It's nice.
Nope, that's not it.
Science Show with Ice Goose and Sloth, or so I understand, is coming up next.
Next.
Delicious.
On the Thanksgiving 24-hour prank marathon.
It is now 5.58 on the East Coast.
So Ice Goose and Sloth are next.
And we have 8 a.m. to 12 p.m. Brent Westwood Show.
12 p.m. to 4 p.m. Roy and Stacey.
4 p.m. to 7 p.m. The Psycho Show with Lux.
And we have 7 p.m. to 10 p.m. Jaiad and the Art of Phone Larking.
The Fart of Own Larking.
Exactly.
Exactly. Ice Goose is away. Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you for having me on. And I had a lot of fun and I'm going to go take a dump. Okay. And I will just leave it on network rotation and leave. Well, I don't know. I'll play my outro and be done.
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