Thanksgiving 2013 Prankathon 3/7 – Icegoose and Sloth

All over New York City, it's still a hell of a town.

The Shisarabstein phone call will piss you off.

If you get such a call, fuck it, hang up immediately.

In most instances, that's enough to stop the caller from becoming a pain in the ass.

Too often, though, people unwittingly encourage the caller by talking back.

Don't be a prick. You can't argue with a sick mind, so don't try.

If hanging up quickly doesn't work, for shit's sake, don't panic.

Just call our business office.

You'll find the number in the front of your telephone directory.

In persistent cases, our Annoyance Call Bureau takes over to try and trap the fucker.

Working with the police, our Annoyance Call Bureau has been responsible for 844 arrests and 54 abortions.

And offenders have learned that a 10-cent phone call can cost them as much as $1,000 and jam their ass in prison for a year.

At New York Telephone, we're in business to give you service.

And part of our obligation is to see to it that no motherfucker abuses that service.

After all, the service we give you is obscene enough.

Yo.

All right, guys.

We are finally on the air.

I am joined by Baz and Spray so far.

Ice Goose should be getting on in a little bit.

Or maybe we'll have to call him again.

I don't know.

Say hello, guys.

You said something about you had two Ice Gooses having sex with his dog.

He'll join us when he's done.

And hello, everybody.

And it should only be about 30 seconds or so

Until he's finished

Oh really wow

So I heard he wasn't coming on

What happened

Oh he changed his mind

I guess he went to his dad's house

A sloth woke him up

We did wake him up

Was he mad

Was he getting angry

That he woke him up

No he was fine with it

I was like

I didn't pick up the phone

and I was like, I better just wake up and get on the machines.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Okay, I'm reading here in the chat machine that the volume is very low.

Word? Volume machines? Volume machines.

Yeah, I think that's, I was talking about it earlier with Baz,

and we're both using our lower voices today.

Balls. Balls.

Well, I don't have a fancy closet like Dirty Aaron does.

he said he's sick. Dirty Aaron is

sitting up in his closet this morning.

Yes, I heard that. Balls,

how's the volume now, guys?

Is it better? Since Brady might have to talk up

a son of a bitch. All right,

all right. Talk up. I boosted

my mic. It's weird. My mic

keeps flashing red as if I'm

clipping. Balls,

how about now? Is this a little bit better,

guys? Let me check something here real quick.

Are you paying attention to your levels,

Sloth? What do you mean?

Everybody says it sounds good now.

Broadcasting levels

Scat level

There's quite a bit here

So depending on how everything gets mixed

You always have to pay attention to them

One way or another

But we really need to make a call

We're passing the 15 minute mark

So shut the fuck up

I'm not the one that had to take a piss

Thank you for calling Best Buy in Bangor

For store hours, press 1

For directions, press 2

To speak to a sales associate, press 3

For pricing and availability

availability, press 1. For questions

regarding a previous purchase and all

other questions, press 1.

damn thing up and it plays this loud noise for like 30 seconds like a big loud bong for like you

know starting up and it just there's penises all over the screen like pornography and people

fucking um that's not okay did you buy it as an open box or is it brand new no it was brand new

and there's people fucking and there's uh penises and naked men yeah no that's that's obviously

completely unacceptable well is it possible that one of your associates to the store well listen

did one of your associates install it i'm sorry did one of your associates you know do this to

the tablet as like a prank against my child there's no there's no way that we would have

done that i mean if it was brand new it was never opened in our store well my child is half black

so you know i figured maybe since he was mulatto that you guys took took racial prejudice against

against him absolutely not okay well you know i estimate that there are at least seven penises on

this tablet currently as we speak okay i honestly don't know how that i mean it wouldn't have

happened here if it was purchased brand new like we wouldn't have opened it and and and done

anything like that to it well there's talking balls and there's uh people shitting on one

on another and there's assholes you know that's nope it's completely unacceptable i would i mean

absolutely bring it back to the store there's a woman and she's uh peeing on another woman

like in her mouth and she enjoys it it looks like nope that's definitely not something that we would

we would do absolutely not and then there's um i guess a rectal prolapse like i'm not a physician

but it's it appears to be a rectal prolapse okay well listen if i bring a tablet back in

for me? Are you going to exchange it or give me stock

credit or what? It would depend on

honestly what you wanted. If you wanted

to exchange for a new product, we could absolutely do that.

Okay, can I exchange it for something different?

Jesus. Yeah, no, absolutely.

We can do a refund and you can

just purchase a different one. Listen, will you check an item

for me? What are you looking for?

Can you see if you guys still have any horsey cat

in stock? Any what? Horsey cat.

Okay, give me just a moment.

Do you mind holding? No, not at all. Thanks.

Hurry up, though.

And it's free. Get in, get out.

Enjoy the holidays without a hitch.

See full details in-store or online at BestMind.com.

And you should mention that your black lotto child is trying to hump everything now after viewing these penises.

Pretty good.

And it's a good remix of a classic song.

Okay, I'm trying to pull up this other tablet for you.

No, no, it's not a tablet.

It's like an electronic doll.

It's a horsey cat.

The other stores said they had a bunch in the back, but, like, they didn't have any left.

You know, they sold out of them real fast.

It was a very popular item.

We have sold out of a lot.

Yeah, I know, but if you could go in the back and just see if maybe there's Horsey Cat,

or, like, maybe just go ask around with your associates, like, have you seen Horsey Cat?

It's like this, um, it's like an electronic doll cat slash horse.

You, um, you pet its back, and, like, it purrs.

That's not something that we're going to have at Best Buy.

Well, no, they did, and, like, its penis gets erect.

Why not?

You guys should definitely carry Horsey Cat.

I mean, nobody's going to shop there over the holidays unless you guys are carrying it.

It's like the new Furby, basically.

I think she hung up.

Yeah.

I did mention that the Horsey Cat is anatomically correct.

It is.

Well, I was going to tell her that it has a horse's cock, but she interrupted me and said, no, definitely not.

Absolutely not.

I mean, she said absolutely not, even after I just said erection.

She didn't even know what kind of erection it was, or how big it was, or anything.

Maybe they had it.

You motherfucker, you.

Ice goobs.

I call a 911 right now.

I want to fuck your sister, motherfucker.

Bring sister in front of me.

All right, so who wants to take the next call to a Best Buy?

I'm not ready yet.

Baz, big Baz.

Do you just want the same

customer service

associate?

Jesus Christ.

Yeah.

I think we have another

tablet with penises on it.

Dude, there's so many

penises.

Best buy in Augusta

for four hours.

Jesus Christ.

I'll be unoriginal.

Pricing and availability

plus one.

Your call is very important.

There's no need for

originality, just horsey

cat and stuff.

At this location, I'm

currently assisting other

customers over the phone.

There is one customer

ahead of you.

Oh, fuck that.

We need to fucking go

find that guy and get

Get rid of him, you know.

It's so nice to sit there and get the shit out of him.

We can't offer our low-price guarantee.

There we go.

That's what I'm talking about.

Thanks for calling, Eric.

That's the best side of this case speaking.

Hey, how you doing?

My name is David Snodswell, and I have a little bit of a problem.

Okay.

Yeah, I came in for your Black Friday sale, and I bought a tablet.

I bought the new Kindle HD, and I brought it home, and I booted it up,

And I was just flabbergasted by what I saw.

You know, it booted up normally, you know, like the typical Kindle does.

But when I got into the home screen, there was nothing but penises all over the screen.

I think somebody's hacked that Kindle HD.

And there were lots of pornographic videos playing in different windows.

And I had my stepson, he's a mulatto little half black boy.

and he actually saw these images and we're very upset and we want to know what uh what can you do

to make this right okay um this is very unusual i mean it was damn right yeah it was straight out

of the package it's got to be something that was um from the manufacturer uh yeah i mean i'm talking

about there were there were black penises there were white penises there looked like even to be

be native american penises now my my kids saw that and he's humping everything now he's like

on the floor humping the rug right now if you want i can transfer you over to unusual i mean

it was damn right yeah it was straight out of the package it's got to be something that was

um from the manufacturer uh yeah i mean i've talked about there were there were black penises

there were white penises there looked like even to be native american penises now my my kids saw

I saw that, and he's humping everything now.

He's, like, on the floor, humping the rug right now.

If you want, I can transfer you over to a manager, and you can discuss it with him.

Please.

He's not fucking puppy playtime, motherfucker.

Fixed.

Motherfucker.

Nice.

And you saw that Mixler didn't crash, did it?

No.

I mean, Mixler was dead air for a second, too, because Sam is its source, but...

Oh, okay.

Uh-huh.

All right, folks, we're not going to wait forever for managers tonight.

No, we're going to call the next best buy.

I say we just move on.

You motherfuckers.

We're moving on with our lives.

We're over it.

Can I take this one?

Yeah, of course.

Then I'm going to get some motherfucking orange juice.

Thank you for calling Best Buy in Auburn.

For store hours, press 1.

For directions, press 2.

To speak to a sales associate.

For pricing and availability.

Your call is very important to us.

All sales associates at this point.

Hey, John, Best Buy, how can I help you?

Hi, my name is John Holliman.

Hello, John Holliman.

What can I do for you?

I had a bit of an issue with my iPad that I bought.

lot the other day okay what's the issue sir um well i opened it up and you know it was

please don't hang up on me um i'm not gonna hang up on you okay good i thought you'd kind of think

this was a little weird but i looked in the pictures and well as soon as i opened it up

as soon as i opened the lock screen up uh there was there's pictures of penises on the ipad

there was a big black penis yes no i'm dead serious i don't i don't know what's going on

My kid saw this, Ron Newman, he saw it.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to erase it.

He was going off and telling all my friends I was looking at gay porn.

I swear, it was you guys.

You got that one just a few days ago?

Yeah, I bought it yesterday.

Bought it yesterday, okay.

Bring that in and let us take care of that.

Okay, I mean, what should I do?

My kid saw it and it was really weird.

I don't know what to say to him.

Well, you know what you could say.

Just, I mean, and this really isn't too far from the truth, to be honest with you, because

you know how many viruses and different things that there are out there.

Yeah.

The viruses, and you have malware.

I would just simply say, I mean, my kids are rolling out, too, but I would have said, you

know, it was just a virus, you know, sort of like how people get a cold.

Well, this thing has a virus, so it's not working properly.

Yeah.

God, it's just, did you guys do this?

Did you guys take my iPad and go on Meetspin with it?

No.

Oh, I mean, Ron Newman looked at it.

I'm just, I'm really upset right now.

Yeah.

I feel kind of drunk.

Yeah, bring that in.

Okay, I mean, what should I tell my friends, though, that, you know, that I was looking at meat spin or what?

No, just say that you didn't realize that there was a virus attached to it, and, you know, there was nothing you could do at the time.

You know, you need to take it to a technician to have that result.

So it's not your fault.

Okay, well, were you guys smoking marijuana or something?

I mean, what the fuck, man?

Who was smoking marijuana?

Were you smoking marijuana?

No, I was not, no.

No one here that does that, sir.

Kind of sounds like you're smoking marijuana, sir, right now.

Is that a bomb?

I've been here since 1130.

Well, yeah, I mean, my kid doesn't even believe that bullshit about a virus.

I don't know what to tell you, sir.

Factory virus? Factory virus?

I mean, come on.

You're, no, your goddamn employees took it.

And they were like, you know, we're going to put some gay porn on this.

We're going to go to meet, we're going to meet Spid and this guy.

I tell you what, do you want to just speak to a manager, sir?

Yeah, I would love to speak, tell him to hurry the fuck up too.

He's got a very pissed off John Holliman.

Motherfucker.

Just for a moment, sir, okay?

You don't need to use profanity.

Okay, sorry.

I'm just, I'm so upset.

God damn it.

I thought that was not a good music.

Motherfucker.

No. Stop. No.

Can I just throw in occasional profane words

in the background? Of course.

You know how science operates. If they're telling

us not to cuss, you're allowed to just go, like, cunt.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's definitely the case. I mean, unless

something amazing is happening, then don't interrupt.

Yeah, definitely.

It's my call, so nothing amazing is happening.

Oh, you never know. I'm going to interrupt.

I'm going to interrupt.

It sounds like you're smoking marijuana

right now. Okay, sir, you're on video.

You know, I thought this had many marijuanas, many marijuanas tonight, a million.

So, Goose, when the when the when the legal stores open up, are you going to partake?

I'm going to go to Fred Meyer around 11 or 10, somewhere in there.

Hey, Golden, this is Keith.

Hi, is this the goddamn manager?

You know, I had a bit of an issue.

I don't know if he explained it.

I don't know if your goddamn employee explained the goddamn problem.

I'm sorry, sir.

sir yeah my name is john hallman did the guy explain what was going on with my new ipad

okay okay i looked on there and first off the browser was on meatspin and second off there

was a bunch of the dicks in the background on the lock screen the home screen and the pictures

i don't know what kind of when did you purchase this what when did you purchase this i purchased

this two days ago i purchased two days ago god damn it okay well let me look into your information

Did you purchase it brand new?

Yes.

God damn it.

Well, there's no reason to swear, sir.

Let me see if I can look up your history.

I'm so mad.

Well, if you purchased it brand new, it's not something that Best Buy could have done.

It's their factory seal from the Apple's factory.

Yeah, I usually punch a wall because I'm so upset.

My kids saw the gay porn and saw me spin.

Now I have to explain the birds and bees to them about men.

What's your phone number, sir?

Oh, my name is John Holliman.

No, what's your phone number?

Oh, my name is, yeah, my name is John Holliman.

No, I'm asking for your phone number.

Just give me a goddamn second, okay?

Oh, fuck yeah.

I don't know my goddamn phone.

I just got a new goddamn phone from Target.

Well, sir, there's no reason to swear at me, okay?

I'm trying to help you out.

Shit.

No, you're not.

Oh, fuck yeah.

You're telling me that I didn't buy a product?

I never said that, sir.

I'm trying to look up your information is what I'm trying to do.

I was helping asshole like two minutes ago, and I didn't appreciate that.

Sir, I never said anything like that.

I just picked up the phone.

Well, who called?

Somebody picked up the line and called me an asshole.

Nobody said anything like that, sir.

All right.

My number?

Yeah.

My number is 207-

Oh, yeah.

867-

Fuck yeah.

Oh, yeah.

5309.

Sir, is this a joke?

No.

Oh, I know.

I hear stuff in the background that is not very funny.

Oh, fuck.

No, I thought that was on your end.

Is that because it's erotic and it turns you on because you're a sexy boy?

Okay, sir.

Well, I'm going to hang up now.

When you call us in series two, let me know.

Is that on your end, you piece of shit?

I'm going to come.

We're going to call back a lot.

Yeah, you fucking sexy boy.

Call back a lot.

God damn it.

You're a pretty dog.

Yes, you are.

Seriously, how are there 80 people?

Go to bed.

Thank you for calling Best Buy in Auburn.

We're here for the balls.

Yeah, it's 51 on Mixler and...

I think Baz should be...

36 on ShouCast.

Jeez.

Yeah, Baz, this is all you, buddy.

I'm Best Boy, Oswald.

This is Bob.

I'll help you.

Yes, my name is David Snozwell.

I'm an attorney.

My associate, or my client, David Holliman, had just called to register a complaint, and

he was treated very rudely, and they hung up on him and didn't hear his complete grievance.

Okay, I'm sure.

I'm sure.

What was that, sir?

I guess I have all kinds of people talking here.

here. Yes, you need to pay attention. I'm an attorney. My name is David

Snoswell. I have a lot of people speak to me all at once. Well, I'm speaking

to you now. You need to direct 100% of your attention

to me right now, please. I'm an attorney. And my

associate, John Holliman, just called in with a severe grievance

and he was treated quite rudely and he was not taken seriously.

And this will not stand. Hello? Okay, I'm going to direct you to

to the manager, sir, because the manager's actually

Yes. Okay. Hey, please hurry.

Post-taste. Post-taste.

Yeah, I'm going to get a manager.

Hey, hurry the fuck up.

Looks like we haven't heard this story

before.

I mean, they need to pay attention. They need

to, you know, an attorney commands

respect. Just flat-out call

a motherfucker.

Thank you for holding this. This is Eric speaking.

How can I help you? Yes, Eric.

My name is David Snoswell.

I'm an attorney at law, and I represent

present my client, Mr. John Holloman. He just called in a few minutes ago with a severe grievance

about a purchase that he made tonight, and he was treated very rudely, was not taken seriously,

and above all, he was hung up on. Okay. If you have a legal grievance to bring up with us,

you'll have to contact corporate at 1-888-BEST-FY. No, we need to have some kind of resolution

immediately. Sure, absolutely. If you have a legal grievance, you have to bring it up to

The legal department at 1-888-BEST-FY.

Yeah, but they're probably not open right now, are they, Eric?

That's all I can recommend for you, sir.

Well, we need to address this right now.

I demand an apology to my associate, John Holloman.

He bought a tablet, and there was bureaucracy.

Sir, if you're a legal representative, if you're a legal representative.

Yes, I'm an attorney.

That's a legal representative.

I command some respect here.

I think I command a bit of respect here.

I'm letting you know.

Sir, I'm letting you know.

Protocol for Best Buy is that if you bring up a legal agreement, it's not to handle it at store level.

Motherfucker. Motherfucker.

Oh, that's a...

You know, I bought your damn cat.

Pussy.

Hey, pussy.

Hey, we're going to fucking sue you.

Sorry, Baz. I kind of had to.

That's all right.

I wasn't getting anywhere with him.

Spray, are you awake? Are you up?

Yes, yes, I'm here.

All right, Mr. Vodka Drinks, it is your turn to speak to Best Buy.

Okay, I'm mixing that up. I'm on the mix.

There's going to be another goddamn Best Buy.

Thank you for calling Best Buy and Stafford.

For store hours, press 1.

For directions, press 2.

To speak to a sales assistant, for pricing and availability...

Thank you for calling the Stafford Best Buy.

Lee speaking.

How may I help you?

Um, hi.

I think, you know, I was...

I just got one of those door buster tablets y'all got over there.

And I think I might have a geek squad emergency here.

As funny as it sounds.

Yeah?

It's not working?

well it's it's working all right but uh there's a bunch of uh gay pornography on it um yeah there's

penises all over the place you know i sat down to show my son i was gonna read him a book about

thanksgiving about the origins of thanksgiving a pop-up book and then the only thing that's

popping up is a bunch of uh a bunch of uh you know gay pornography mainly penises hello i'm here i'm

here yeah so i i think i have a bit of an uh an emergency here what would you think i mean you

know there's even a horsey horsey cat penises everywhere oh my god okay well let me put you

on hold for a second well hurry it's urgent it's an emergency i had to put post-it notes all over

the because it won't turn off i had to put post notes all over the tablet right and just to cover

just to cover up the horsey horsey cat penis especially i'm sorry thank you okay hold on

it's quite hold on one second i'm trying it's not funny it's not funny i'm sorry yeah why are you

laughing big girl i know it is not funny it's not a laughing matter honey i know i'm sorry let me

Let me figure out what we have to do until you can bring it in and have it wiped clean, okay?

Yeah, there is something getting wiped on here, that's for sure.

Hold on, sir.

All right, big girl.

That honey baby made her giggle.

What's it spray?

It'll probably work this day.

She has to use DTF.

I have a feeling she's going to get some...

I have to talk to another retard now, not her anymore.

Hey, honey, if you bring it in to Geek Squad, they will do whatever they need to do to get that.

Are they OK with looking? Because I can't even look at I can't even stand to look at.

Well, that's their job. They're going to have to look at it. Get it off of your computer.

Yeah. I mean, I can't look at it because, you know, I'm not like that.

I mean, yeah, if you if you brought, you know, you know, a good, good, nice honey baby girl like you in front of me, you know, that'd be a different story.

but it's a bunch of gay men on here now i'm not sure what to do what's your name sir oh my name

is john john holloman john holloman yeah so what time will we will we be expecting you to come in

and get this right oh are you are you going to be accepting me now um yeah i can i i mean where

do you want to meet like uh when when is your shift off so you can accept me all right what's

Well, you know, I mean, after watching all this gay porn on here, I'm going to need a little something to clear the mind, you know.

Well, you're going to have to find somebody else for that job, sir. I'm sorry.

Well, I mean, you know, if you could help me out, please don't laugh at me.

I'm not laughing. I'm not laughing.

I'm serious. I'm not, you know.

Do you want to speak to the manager?

Well, how am I going to go to church on Sunday after watching all this gay porn?

It's like after watching all this porn, I'm going to go to church.

All right, sir, if you want to come and get it, we can help you out, okay?

What are you guys going to do for me?

Because God hates me now.

I need to do something.

Well, there's hotlines you could call.

Well, what kind of hotlines?

Can you tell me about it?

It sucks, man.

You're not going to get the help you need.

I think you need to call back.

It is sick.

You like phone sex hotlines?

I couldn't quite hear what she said to the manager.

She said, like, he's trying to have sex with me.

She said, I'm about to fuck this guy.

I'm about to get the D.

All right, we're calling her back.

Thank you for calling Best Buy and Stafford for pricing and availability.

Your call is very important to us.

All sales associates at this location are currently assisting other customers over the phone.

There is one customer ahead of you.

We may not be able to help you beat the holiday rush, but we can offer our low-price guarantee.

We know price is important all year, but it's especially important around the holidays.

Relax, knowing that if you find a lower price on qualifying products,

we'll match it with our low-price guarantee.

You can find full details on our low-price guarantee in-store or online at BestBuy.com.

All right, we're done with that.

Those assholes.

Assholes.

I had another idea for Best Buy, but I forget what it was.

I think.

Meat spin.

Nah.

Maybe something about, like, you should complain that someone, people are rubbing too closely.

I like the idea that Doc put in the chat.

Call Toy Stores and see if they have a shaking baby simulator.

That's kind of funny.

Yeah, look up some toy stores for us, Ice Goose, if you don't mind, sir.

But what were you going to say, Spray?

It's kind of stupid, but maybe complain that there are other people rubbing up against you

and somehow it's their fault because they shouldn't have had that many people there.

I mean,

i don't know how well it'll work it doesn't matter

Thank you for calling Best Buy in Charlotte, sir.

This is the last Best Buy I want to make.

Thank you for calling Best Buy in Charlotte.

Hey there, son of a bitch.

Hey, my name is Ron Newman, okay?

Okay.

Okay, I visited your store this evening for your Black Friday Mystery Midnight Black Friday Door Buster fucking sale, okay?

Mr. Newman, I'm going to have to ask you to stop using profanity, otherwise I will have to disconnect the call.

I never used profanity.

You've used two inappropriate words, sir.

I did not use inappropriate words, okay?

We'll just get that out of the way right now.

And I don't appreciate your wild, baseless accusations, okay?

I have a serious complaint that I'd like to file against your store, formally, with you, sir.

I can forward you to the manager if you have a complaint.

Okay, absolutely, thank you.

But please be quick, I don't have a lot of time.

I'm a very important man, my time is very valuable.

Hang on just a minute.

Okay.

i don't have this is starting to approach that 30 second mark maybe they just hung up anyway

yeah is this the manager my name is ron newman okay yeah yeah your employee you know i have a

serious complaint about your story and your employee he cussed at me and then accused me

of cussing at him okay he said what's going on well i don't know he said the f word at me he said

And I was like, sir, please don't cuss like that.

And he's like, who's cussing?

You're the one who's cussing.

He called me.

He said, what's the situation?

What's that?

Oh, yeah.

Anyway, I was in your store this evening for the midnight, you know, Black Friday.

OK.

And, you know, there were a lot of people there.

And I honestly think it was just too many people.

And it was kind of irresponsible on your part.

Because, you see, what happened is when I was in the crowd, you know,

And standing in lines and trying to move to different departments of the store,

people were brushing up against me and touching me in inappropriate ways.

So some of your employees, they would come up and be like,

Sir, can I help you with something?

And they'd brush up their hand against my leg, my inner thigh.

And they'd be like, Oh, I'm sorry. It's crowded in here.

But you could tell they did it on purpose.

They were trying to smell my hair.

kept like leaning in they just you know whisper about my essence okay all right

so you know i demand restitution i feel i've been wronged here

there's no sort of restitution i can provide for you sir well what do you mean why not

for starters i i don't believe that occurred with my employees second of all your your tone

with the individual that was on um on the phone with the gentleman that you were originally with

was inappropriate yeah i agree i'm not going to provide you any sort of restitution i'm very

sorry if you felt uncomfortable within the store during black friday is very busy there will be

be crowds um that's a traditional trademark that goes with black friday um but i i do apologize

sir if you if you would like to be able to to seek out restitution you'd be welcome to be able

to talk to our uh our corporate team directly um i'll tell you what i'll come down no listen

look i'll come down to the store and you and me there's no need to come down to the store

and we can get we can take our clothes off we can have sex

x oh she wouldn't have that shit sounds like appropriate restitution it's famous i'm not

going to give you appropriate restitution while you know you take our clothes off okay all right

oh man all right so what do you guys want to talk to you oh yeah and i'll talk to indian

telemarketers but i can't actually call india so if they're in australia yes i will call them

But otherwise, probably.

I've kind of got an idea for like a Toys R Us or something call.

But I need to find out what is the top, what are the most sought after toys of 2013 for Black Friday?

Basically, I'm going to complain that I came home and opened it up to check to make sure it was intact.

And it wasn't what I thought it would be.

So what are you thinking?

Like what kind of item are you after?

Well, some kind of a toy.

but when i came and i opened it up there was a big dildo in the box so not like a video game

no it'd have to be something isn't there a new furby that's pretty popular right now

okay the furby yeah okay oh damn it uh it's pca god damn it all right ice goose we're

stealing your number for baz this is his son of a bitch motherfucker he monitored

Better told.

Is this a Toys R Us, sir?

Yes, yes it is.

Yeah, I think Toys R Us might actually be closed.

Well, you know, any of those stores like Target or whatnot would...

Anybody that sells toys.

Yeah, they all got toys.

How about Walmart?

Thank you for calling Toys R Us and Babies R Us of Columbus, Ohio.

We'll be closing at 10 p.m.

For store location, press 1.

Wow.

To speak to Toys R Us, press 2.

To speak to Babies R Us...

They close early.

They should be open.

The store is open.

open at thursday they should open at thursday what time are targets open until tonight

i think they're open like 24 hours now it's like a honolulu target or something let's try one real

quick on the west coast just to see no i think a lot of these places are staying open all night

to be wrong yeah the one i just put in is the east coast thank you for calling the culver city

City Target Store, Pata Continuar and Español, El Prima, El Ciete.

Okay.

Oops.

The Culver City Target Store offers a full-service pharmacy.

I don't give a fuck.

Our pharmacy hours are Monday through Friday.

The pharmacy is currently closed.

Thank you for using ExpressRX.

Goodbye.

Motherfucker.

I fucked that all up.

I ruined it.

Show's over.

God damn it.

Thank you for calling the Culver City Target Store, Pata Continuar and Español, El Prima,

Our store hours have changed for the holidays.

The store will be open from 8 a.m. to 11 p.m. on Saturday, November 30th.

Our store hours have changed for the holidays.

The store will be open from 8 p.m. on Thursday, November 28th through 11 p.m. on Friday, November 29th.

It's located at the intersection of Jefferson and Soto between Overland and Sepulveda.

For the pharmacy, press 1.

For electronics, press 4.

For the photo lab, press 5.

To speak to this, please stay on the line while your call is transferred to Electronics.

Baz, this is all you.

All right.

Maybe get transferred to Toys.

I don't know.

Electronics.

Yeah, hello.

I thought that I was calling your toy department.

I guess I must have misdialed.

Are you transferring to Toys?

Actually, we're across from the Toys, so this is the correct extension.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've got a little bit of a...

Hello?

Yes.

I've got a little bit of an issue that's pretty upsetting.

I was just in, and I bought an item, and I'm very upset.

I would like to file a grievance.

Okay, with that, you're going to share what...

Give me a second.

Yeah, hurry up, please.

I'm very upset.

Townhold.

Che Guevara playset in IRC.

The People's Che Guevara playset.

That's actually what it would be called.

Hello?

Hello, yes.

Toy section?

section yeah let me tell you i have to speak with my manager she will uh she will take care of that

kind of situation can you please hurry i've already been waiting too long thank you for

calling target this is jason can help you find something yes no you cannot help me find something

i was already in and i bought an item and i'm very upset i have a serious serious complaint

okay yeah my name is david snozzwell and i was in doing some shopping right after my meal and i

came to buy some toys for my kids for christmas i purchased uh that new furby toy that everybody

seems to want and when i got home i decided to open the box up to check to make sure everything

was intact and uh i was uh very shocked by what i found inside the box okay well i found uh you

know i believe they're called dildos they're it looked like a big artificial penis you know not

Not exactly what I had in mind for my four-year-old for Christmas.

I don't know how that happened, and I'm just shocked.

Inside a Furby, didn't you purchase it from the Culver City store?

Yes, and I got a big black dildo.

I did not want to buy a big black dildo.

No, of course not.

I don't know how that would have happened.

Yeah, I mean, it was about 12 inches long.

It had a pretty good girth to it.

you know and it's very lifelike

I don't even know the specifications of that

but I can tell you if you want to come in

like what the Furby was and we can just

exchange it for you and then just toss

what kind of dildo specifications are you familiar with

I'm going to come in

and I'm going to show this to you

and I want to replace this

I want to come in and exchange it for a horsey cat

for a what?

a horsey cat

I don't know what that is

it's the hot new toy

every kid wants the horsey cat

Okay, well, if you bring in your receipt, we'll take it back for you.

Yeah, so if I bring in the receipt, you will take the dildo back then.

Hello?

Hold on one.

She doesn't know what to do.

I think maybe she's going to take it back and put it in her asshole.

Yes, hello?

I don't know why I keep getting transferred.

I'm very upset.

What's the problem?

Yeah, I came in to buy a damn Furby, and I got home and opened it up to make sure it was intact,

and I found instead of a Furby, there was a big black dildo on the side.

Okay, so if you want to come in and return it, you can, and we'll look at cameras.

It was very meaty, and it looked like it was throbbing.

Oh, really? That's very awesome.

That's very awesome.

Like I said, if you have any problems, what you can do is bring it in,

and then we can go ahead and check videos for you.

Okay, how about you and I go into the back room, and I'll show it to you.

Yeah, that's no problem.

of them. Yeah, I'll bring some

and we will

disrobe. Hey,

I have a quick question for you.

Okay, I guess he's not

going to give me his quick question.

Nope, he's done. He's like, nope.

Quick question. I like that

though. Yeah, it was good.

It was definitely good.

You're choking on a

dick? I'm dying, son.

He's got a big black dildo.

I know, it was supposed to be

a fucking Furby, and it's not.

Big sucker.

Big black dick.

Spray sucks dick.

You're a big fat dick sucker, I guess.

You're the one who's big and fat here.

I'm skinny.

Thank you.

Plus, you got the hiv now from that girl.

Thank you for calling the Cupertino Target store.

Oh, shit.

Our store hours have changed for the...

Please stay on the line while your call is transferred to photo.

Tabachi had to stop the show yesterday because he had hiv symptom.

It's terrible.

Thank you for calling the Cupertino Target Store.

Our store hours have changed for the holidays.

I don't care.

The store will be open from 8 a.m. to 11 p.m.

Please stay on the line while your call is transferred to electronics.

Yay.

I'll try this one real quick.

I don't even know what I'm going to do with it.

Electronics, Dan speaking.

Can I help you find something?

Hey, no, son of a bitch.

Look, I was already in your store.

Okay.

Okay, earlier I came in, and it was Black Friday, and it was midnight,

and I brought my fucking family.

i drug them out of their goddamn beds and i said get the fuck up we're going to target and i drug

them into target okay i have a very serious complaint about one of the products which i

purchased from your store okay all right i purchased for my daughter a dora the explorer

playset it was a doll and it had little buttons and you press it and you let it talk and the

a fucking thing it's spouting off all sorts of cuban propaganda like communist commie propaganda

yeah it's like trying to glorify castro and shea guevara i mean do you have is this the first time

you've heard of something like this happening yeah i haven't heard of this book to me it says

shit like uh end the u.s embargo on cuban goods like what the fuck is that i have no idea why

Why would Dora say that? That doesn't even make sense.

I have no idea. Wow, that is interesting.

Hang on just a second. Let me get my manager for you, okay? Hold on.

All right, hurry the fuck up, Baggett.

Excuse me?

I said, please hurry up.

Okay, because I heard something entirely different, and that's not acceptable.

You might be sleep-deprived from Black Friday.

No, I'm very much not, but I don't appreciate the tone.

Oh, well, I apologize.

So if you want me to get some help for you...

It's just, you know, the commies...

If you want me to get some help for you, I need you to change your tone.

All right, I apologize, sir.

It's just I've been up dealing with this commie stuff all night.

Hang on, sir.

Okay, thank you.

Are you going to play the managers on his way?

Are you still there?

Yes, yes, I'm here.

Hold on, sir.

Y'all cracked?

Baz?

I've read that one before.

Oh, wait, no.

No, not on the ground.

Like breast milk, baby?

There's a toy called the peek-a-boo pole dancing kid.

It doesn't have to be gags.

Psych?

Guess not.

That's pretty fucked up.

These motherfuckers need to hurry.

I'm going to make an anime for HorseyCat.

It's going to happen.

Yeah, this is Mr. Newman.

I was waiting for a manager.

Are you the manager?

Okay, your employee there, he was very rude to me.

I had a serious complaint, and he kept deflecting and trying to divert the conversation, and he cussed at me.

He said shit, and he said fuck, and I really don't appreciate it.

What was the conversation about?

Well, you know, initially, my complaint was I bought this goddamn Dora the Explorer playset for my daughter, you know?

You know, the little, it's the little ethnic girl with her pet monkey?

Yeah.

Yeah, so, you know, I get it home, and goddamn thing, you know, it's spouting off all this fucking communist Cuban propaganda, you know?

About, like, bananas and cigars and, you know, Castro.

Yeah, it said the U.S. government gave Fidel Castro cancer.

Wait, the toy said that?

Yeah, and then it gives, like, this URL.

Like, it's, I don't remember what it was, but it's a link to, like, this website.

And it's, like, this article, you know, about how we gave Castro cancer with, like, strontium, I guess.

And you bought that here at Target?

Yeah, and it says, end the embargoes, and it says, no export tariffs, free trade agreements.

Okay.

That's quite amazing.

This is the first time that I've heard that.

Yeah, I know.

It's fucking ridiculous.

I'm pissed.

To be honest, though, I mean, Target, you guys, you know, you've been known to be a little bit devious in the past, you know?

You kind of cling to the underbelly of society.

What would you like me to do for you, sir?

Did you want to return the...

Well, absolutely.

I'm going to come in there, all right?

but I don't want Dora the Explorer, all right?

I'm on to that shit.

You know, these things are made in Mexico, okay?

That's where they ship them from, and I'm on to their shit.

They're trying to get in here and infiltrate, you know, and set up.

Okay, we can definitely return that for you if that's a problem.

We'll take care of that for sure.

Well, this Christmas, you know, my daughter, she's going to get an American toy,

a toy we can be proud of, all right?

And I need you to go ahead and do a stock check for me.

It's called Horsey Cat.

All right, let me check.

Thank you.

CDN, CDN.

I can't believe they've stayed on the line.

Hey, can you mind spelling the product name for me?

Yeah, H as in house, O as in octopus, R as in Robert, S as in snake, E as in elephant,

Y as in yodel, C as in cat, A as in apple, and then T as in Tom, horsey cat.

Let's see if I get any.

I didn't return any results when I looked in our system.

I know you guys have it.

Like, I called around to a bunch of places, and they were all sold out, like all the other targets.

But, like, I don't know.

Now, I didn't check your store, so, when I was there.

Let me check online on my phone and see if anything comes up,

because I checked our system in the computer, and now he's giving me a product name.

Well, maybe if you could just look.

It's like this cat, like horse thing, like this doll, and you pet its back,

and then it purrs, okay?

But it has this big horse penis.

It's a what?

It has a large horse's penis, and it becomes erect when you, you know, you rub its back.

I'm pretty sure you do. I mean, maybe it's just in a different section.

Well, no, I mean, I'm looking on your website right now, and it says, you know, you have it, and it's in stock at your location.

I'm on the website, too, and I typed in the exact word that you told me to type in, and nothing came back.

Well, maybe you guys have it entered wrong, because you're so stupid.

But it's, and it has, like, realistic defecation.

Like, it has a bunch of horse shit in it, and it just, it shits it all out, all over the place.

Sir, I really don't think we have that point here.

Well, do you know the song, like, the jingle?

Like, you've had to have seen this on TV.

No, I have no idea what you're talking about.

I mean, everybody wants it.

It's like, it goes, horsey cat, horsey cat, you're delicious.

You smell like fishes.

is you have a huge cock.

If you find what you're looking for, I can't

really help you with that. I know we don't

have this item here. Daddy,

am I getting the horsey cat?

No, son, you're not going to be getting the horsey cat

because this son of a bitch won't sell

us one. That's all I want.

I'm going to kill myself

if I can't have a horsey cat.

Yeah, sorry, guys. I kind of lost it at the end there.

I can't sing the horsey cat song.

It's going to take practice to learn

to do that without laughing.

Tyler invented it

It's a giant horse wreck

But yeah I can't believe they stayed on the line

So long for the communist Dora story

I do

That premise was funny alone

And then when you made him

Go on the website

For horse and cat

I was dying

So I found a website of 20 totally inappropriate

Kids toys

Toys like the

Pull along cock and the pull along pussy

see they're like a rooster and a cat that you pull along behind you and then the um glitter

i poop glitter doll it's like a little bunny that poops out glitter it's pretty good is it

five o'clock yet we can all go to bed what's up i said is it five o'clock yet we can all go to bed

no it's oh i want to i need to buy this the pole dance doll yeah it's not it's not eight yet so

So, no.

But, yeah, I'm actually going to try to stay up.

I'm going to go for it.

I'm going to do that.

Yeah.

We're at the top.

We're going to live forever.

We're just a little past the top of the hour.

We're 24 hours.

All right, guys.

Anyway, we got to make a call.

So, who wants to take it?

What do you want to talk to?

Bitches.

Call me some females.

Yeah, Goose needs to talk to some females.

else. Do you want one of these ladies that you

pasted into the Google documents,

or? Um,

no, I don't know what the fuck

Ken's doing with those. Well, they're ladies.

Yeah, he put out

some sort of ad for wannabe

porn stars. Yeah, well, talk to him.

I just, I'm not good

with planned shit. Well, it doesn't have to

be planned, just, you know, be like, yeah, I'm a

producer. Alright, let's

see if I can get her to add me on Skype.

Okay, uh,

let's call a wall, let's see, maybe we could

could do a walmart true that yeah paste any numbers you guys want to see here let's do wal

walmart i love how people pitch incredibly long shows like that takes serious dedication to

something that you're actively opposed to yeah it's early in the fucking morning yeah it's

fucking like that's almost obsessive like stalkerish yeah you have reached the voicemail

well fuck all right let's call more stores it's black friday god damn it call me a target all

All right, I'm going to call you a goddamn target, motherfucker.

Motherfucker.

All right.

Shit.

Shit, fuck.

Oh, shoot.

We have 45 minutes left, guys, and then Mr. Motterchode picks up.

Dirty is getting on?

Yes, and I would like to listen to that.

Dirty will be broadcasting from his closet.

Thank you for calling the Los Angeles Eagle Rock Target Store.

Para continuar en espanol, el prima, el siete.

And we'll let Dr.

Please stay on the line while your call is transferred to electronic.

PhD, do a call.

Kick his ass off.

What?

Buddy, what are you doing?

What is your ass, dog?

Ah, this is all you.

Oh, what is this?

I thought Goose was taking this.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, my bad.

I'm retarded.

Yeah, you are.

Yes, you are.

Oh, shit!

Oh, I'm not nobody's dog.

There's no shame in being retarded.

A little bit.

We're all pretty fucking stupid here.

For real.

Especially Brad and Stranger, if they're still around.

You guys are especially stupid.

And I hate you.

Thank you for calling.

The Sandwich...

Please stay on the line while your call is transferred to electronics.

Hey, Doc.

Hey, how's it going?

Good, how are you doing?

Tyler, try to try the PS4s and Xbox Ones.

Oh, it sucked.

How can I help you?

Sir, I had a bit of a problem.

I came in there earlier.

I bought a toy.

It was a bit of an issue.

What kind of toy?

I bought the Dora the Explorer.

You know, the one that runs around with the fucking monkey.

I don't know what you want with the monkey.

So what's the problem?

Um, well, I got the one from my daughter that spoke, spoke words, communicated with me, and for some reason it started spouting off communist propaganda, started saying that, you know, we need to end the embargo on Cuba, Cuban cigars make the world go round, uh, just, you know, yeah, it was really weird, yeah, it was, it was really weird, yeah, no, I'm not, I do not joke, sir, I'm a Christian.

So, it started spewing communist propaganda.

Yes.

Instead of saying, like, donde esta la mochila.

No, it said, free the Cubans from being oppressed from the Americans.

If you bring in that doll, I will get that exchanged immediately if it's saying that about the Cubans.

Well, if I bring it in there, you know, you think maybe we could go in the back room and play with the doll, and maybe you play with me, and you pet my hair, and you take my pants off.

Exactly, we could do that.

Are you a manager there, big boy?

I'm not, I mean, I'm like an under manager.

I have that kind of power, though.

Oh, I'm sure you don't, but can I speak to a manager?

All right.

Okay, hurry the fuck up.

I don't have much time left.

I'm tired, goddammit.

That was a deal-breaker there.

What the fuck did you mean?

I don't have much time left.

He's about to die.

Yeah, seriously.

I'm gonna die.

I'm gonna die in five minutes.

Guys, I really, really gotta pee, so we're gonna cut to music for like two minutes, and I'll be right back, and then Spray will take his call.

Yeah, just pee in a bottle like a man.

No.

That's what I'm doing.

I'd pee myself, to be honest.

All right, here we go.

We're back.

I'm listening to records I just knew what to do by myself.

And, you know, I did pretty well, except there were a few mistakes that I made.

I have just recently cleared up.

I just continue to be able to express myself as best as I can.

I feel like I have a lot of work to do still.

I'm a student.

I'm

also a teacher of the drums, too.

Okay, Lux has an idea.

All right, but first, let's call the number spray paint.

Oh, sorry.

Never mind.

Spray's turn.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

That's a wall wire.

in alabama and i got what i was gonna tell him oh yeah now and i remember call may be monitored

or recorded to assure quality system file of course tom walmart this is bennett madison

hi um i was in there for the the black friday deal the door busters this morning

yes go ahead yeah and uh i was i was in the bathroom and uh there was a man you know i was

um in the stall and there's a man uh he put his uh his foot underneath the stall and tap tap twice

and what now i'm sorry he put he put his uh his uh foot under my stall and uh he did like a little

tap like a tap tap and um i think he he may have been uh he may have been propositioning me for

or something okay did you see him yeah i did he when i i let i let him in into my stall after he

did that and that's when i first saw him and we were both in the same stall and uh you know he

asked me a few questions i'm sorry you said what can i do for you well i mean i have a complaint

because it's all your guy's fault because there's a man that that came into my stall when i was in

in the bathroom oh um hold on one second i'll get a manager for you well hurry up this is an

emergency okay all right blame it on them to have given it their fault p.s. those are manly enough

to sue for damages you never get them real graphic descriptions of the things you can't do with your

wife anymore you cannot look at her anymore i can't fist her asshole punch her taint she has

Does Fajine, like, sleep a wizard now?

Slap her dirty, sloppy clit around.

Pull a move is an emergency.

I don't know what's taking so long.

It's Walmart, dude.

It's Black Friday.

There's probably dead people all over, like, the aisles and stuff.

They just keep mopping up.

Did you see the video of those fucking monkeys fighting over a TV at the Walmart already?

Yep.

How may I help you?

Hi, um, yeah, I don't know if, uh, I don't know.

I've been waiting for so long, and I'm a little bit upset now.

They just paged me to the phone, sir.

Yeah, I'm really, really upset.

I was in, did they tell you?

I don't really want to explain it again.

Okay, well, I'm the overnight manager, and I can't help you if you don't explain it to me.

Well, I was in the bathroom, you see, and there was a gentleman who propositioned me.

He put his foot under my stall and did a little tap.

Okay, how long ago was this?

Now, about two hours ago.

go okay and i'm sure he's not in the store anymore i don't think he is but he you know

what happened is that after he tapped he came into my stall i don't need all this sir thank you

stupid call back yeah i don't know yeah ma'am that was that was sexual assaults and you're

just gonna turn a blind eye to that god damn don't know because it was consensual he let it

into the stall?

I let him in.

Yeah.

He could have forced himself in,

I guess.

I don't know.

He was in my stall.

Well, how'd he get in there?

Oh, I let him in.

All right.

I mean, look,

do you want to talk to,

like, a Target or...

I think it's Doc's turn.

I want to get to Doc.

Yeah, I'll take one.

I'll take one.

You just throw me one.

I don't mind.

Again, I can do

pretty much whatever.

Do you have a particular

preference for a store?

Um, probably something

like, I don't know,

with toys.

I feel like I can probably

get away with toys pretty easy.

All right.

All right, well, you're going to get the electronics department at Target.

That's fine.

I'll take it.

They're right across from the toys section.

Okay.

It's actually probably lumped together, to be honest, as far as they're concerned.

Okay, how do I sound?

Thank you for calling.

Yeah, you're fine.

I've been in the toy section at Target.

Please stay on the line while your call is transferred to electronics.

That's true.

Hello?

Hi.

Is this electronics or toys?

I tried to get connected to toys.

Oh, the toys?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Just give me one second.

Okay, cool.

Thank you.

Hey, guys.

Paste any numbers you want, and we will call them before we wrap up.

Anything we have time for.

I'll research a Banshee'd call.

And somebody should be contacting Dirty Aaron to see if he's actually going to be getting up in the Pasa Cobra.

He will.

I talked to him a little while earlier.

He's actually logged on to Skype right now.

Oh, nice.

Oh, yeah, he is.

And the Pasa is actually on FaceBox.

I may stay on line and go on with him for a while, too, if he'll let me go on.

I'm going to listen.

I'm going to try to do it, man.

I'm going to go until phone larking is over.

Hey, Toys.

Hello?

Hi, Toys.

Yeah, give me one moment.

This is actually electronic right now.

Okay, yeah, I need to talk to Toys.

It's very urgent.

Or customer service.

All right, one moment, Pete.

Thank you.

My dog fell asleep on my lap and he's snoring.

He's pretty goddamn cute.

Is it because you gave him Benadryl again?

The line there is really quiet on the target.

You know, it's cool.

You think that they get toys here faster.

Right?

I know, right?

I hope you go to sleep, Sloth, so I can be the only one to stay up the whole time.

Ha.

Fail.

I'm going to beat you up, Lux.

I am going to.

I've been doing it since the start, too.

We're going to have a fight.

There can be only one.

Yeah.

To all you all, beware me and my powers.

Duel monsters.

All right, we're hanging up on this piece.

Yeah, fuck this shit.

Okay, so, Doctor, you're going to try one more.

All right, that sounds good.

Aw, shit.

And then we're going to rotate to Lux.

And then we're going to jump around a little bit more.

But everybody will get to do a call that they want to do in half an hour.

That is enough time.

Yeah.

Thank you for calling the Carson North.

Please stay on the line while your call is transferred to electronics.

Now, these are all in California.

Okay, cool.

Thank you for calling Carson Target North.

Talk to me if you find something.

Hi, can you put me through to either customer service or electronics?

It's kind of a big deal.

I need to talk to somebody with some kind of executive management powers right now, if you'd be so kind.

Okay, can you let me know what it's regarding so I can know who to direct a call to?

Yeah, it's with a very problematic device.

It's a toy, and I don't think it's supposed to be operating like this.

Okay, hold on just a moment, okay?

All right, thank you.

You're welcome.

Hopefully this is a toy issue.

Hello, yes.

Hi, I just spoke with one of our supervisors on human relations, and she just said just to bring the item back.

Okay, well, can I explain to you what it is?

I don't know if it's supposed to be like this.

But, okay, so I got my daughter this Dora the Explorer play set, right?

And it's got, you know, the little monkey and the swiper, the fox, and things like that.

And it does, like, the call and response stuff, like, can you say, um, muy bien, and then you say, muy bien, and then it goes, muy bien, yeah.

But the thing is, it started speaking all of these, like, terrible, terrible things, like these pro-Castro regime, like, things like, um, the workers have nothing to lose but their chains, and then they want you to repeat it.

this is for my daughter and like i like to check out the toys before i get them you know to my

daughter just to make sure that there's no problems and that my daughter isn't gonna be corrupted by

like leftist commie you know um yeah balls of like corruption but like it's totally talking about how

the american government needs to stop like you know trade tariffs against cuba and like you've

been cigars are the chief export of the cuban free democracy and i don't know i just don't

of like exposing my daughter to this crazy leftist literature i mean you know it's it's tough enough

raising a kid with with the mtv and the vh1 you know like i'm just you know and honey boo boo and

and then then i have to deal with dora the explorer trying to put out all this leftist propaganda you

know like i just want my child to grow up in a no i'm dead serious all of that is coming from that

toy from dora yeah like dora of all people like and and it's like you know i used to have faith

Like, it's good, it teaches kids, you know, it's Spanish, because there's a lot of people that speak Spanish in this country now, and it's like, well, it makes it so everyone can talk to each other. When she's talking about how, like, capitalist pig dogs need to, you know, be shot in the streets for their, like, treacherous ways, it's like, you know, I don't know what to say. I don't know how to contextualize that for a four-year-old.

and then she started repeating it i heard her saying i heard her saying um uh jay will always

live in the hearts of the cuban people like as she was going to sleep like jay guevara he kills

people like i mean it's it's terrible and i really am really worried i don't know if i should go to

the news about this or like if i should just bring it back your manager told me to bring it back i

mean should i just talk to her about this i don't know i don't want to make like a big incident of

this but i feel like i should really talk to somebody on a higher level um like i said i

spoke with her directly and um at the moment she's dealing with um some guests here that are

actually like in the store so if you want to speak with her i suggest you come down but other than

that they just request that you bring the item back in if you want to take it to another level

you can always um call or send a letter into the company but other than that as for you know just

just getting your funds back so that

you don't have to worry about wasting your money on something

like that. Just bring it in. There's one that it

says, the Americans are evil and should be

sodomized by the fires of Satan. I mean,

how do I even explain to my daughter

what sodomize means? Like, this

is a child's toy, not some

subversive pink Okami shit.

Death to the capitalist Americans.

Yeah. See, look, I'm squeezing it

right now, and that's what it's saying. Death to the capitalist

Americans. And then it goes, muy bien.

Like, it's rewarding you

for your, you know,

no complicity with the the yes yeah yeah como estas chinga chinga like it says those things

ma'am and i just i don't know i think i'm gonna have to write to nickelodeon or or target or

that would definitely have to be taken up with their company target i mean you sell the product

but and it sounds like it's a defect for one it really probably is i can't imagine that a toy

would actually like say things like um castro killed jfk because jfk was a snitch you know

obama is a monkey nigger yeah like things like that like i'm just pushing these things and

there's a lot of little responses in there like did you hear that last one that was disgusting

let's cross the border yeah i i don't know i feel like i'm gonna have to write a news piece

and i'm just gonna and what was your name again so i can include you in my news article

I'll kill you all.

Ma'am, can I get your name, please?

She hung up. She caught on.

Good.

Yes, right before Lux said, I'll kill you all.

Lux? Oh, no.

Yes. Hey, Lux, guess what?

Guess what?

You gave up your call privilege.

That's a good thing.

But you may stay.

You may stay.

Yes, for the remaining 25 minutes, you may remain in our presence, in the presence of the mighty John Holliman.

John Holliman.

Okay, so we'll be moving to Baz then, since Lux had to go.

And you know, you're lucky that she had hung up when you said that, because otherwise I would straight up totally disconnect you and ban you for the night.

Good evening.

Morning, Dallas and Swister.

Good morning, or good evening, rather.

I'd like to place an order for takeaway.

Certainly, what would you like to order?

Yes, I'm sorry, I'm a little bit jet-lagged.

I just arrived in Perth and I forgot what time it was.

I don't know.

Yes, I would like one order of chicken tikka masala.

Yes.

One order of papadums.

Papadums, yes.

Yes, and do you have pollock paneer?

Yes, we do, sir.

And more importantly, do you make the paneer fresh in your restaurant?

Yes, I do.

Oh, perfect.

Well, I've got a bit of a strange request.

I've taken quite a liking to paneer made with human milk.

I would like to come in and milk your titties into a bowl and have you make the paneer out of the milk.

I would like to milk you.

It's better if a man picks up because they get more pissed off because they think you're insulting their women.

Yes, yes, they do.

Yeah, your enunciation on your titties was excellent.

You're like, your titties.

Yeah.

I just wanted to be specific.

It was almost like infomercial style.

You're like, and your titties.

Non-ambiguous, you know?

Yes.

Your titties will be the titties upon which we are performing verbs.

Yes.

Damn Minnesotans.

Minnesota.

I mean, Baz, was that satisfying to you, or would you like another band show?

I would like to talk to a man.

All right.

What time is it in Australia?

Are they still open?

Well, in Perth, it's like about 2 p.m.

so they're closing in like an hour right now hold on it's uh no it's it's early afternoon i think

what is it um depends on where you go i had to look in the west coast of australia australia

yeah i used to cold call into uh western australia and oh it's 8 38 p.m the problem

is like in sydney it's later it's later in sydney but it's earlier in western australia

Okay, I was Eastern, sorry.

So it's prime time.

Okay, so here's one that I just put in, Balti Indian Restaurant.

I've got Maya Indian.

The Australian ones seem to get pissed pretty easily.

They do.

They're hot-tempered people.

Good evening, Balti, may I help you?

Yes, I would like to place an order for takeaway, please.

What would you like, sir?

Yes, I would like one order of chicken tikka masala.

Yep.

One order of papadums.

And paneer, do you make the paneer fresh in your restaurant?

Yes, sir.

yes well i would like some really fresh paneer i'm gonna come in and i want to milk your mom's

titties into a bowl you asshole stop calling us the cops are getting you anyway

every five minutes you're ringing one milk your own titties come front of me what the hell every

five minutes he definitely said call back two more times real quick jesus what the hell was that

that's just what i just picked out of random why do you keep calling that guy

let it go i just picked that out of google about two minutes ago all right i want to talk to this

good evening about email help you yes sir um i'd like to place an order for a takeaway please

yes sir what would you like um do you guys have lamb curry like anything spicy with lamb in it

Is this the same guy calling, just called before?

Excuse me?

Hello?

What are you talking about, sir?

Do you have anything with lamb and, like, lamb curry?

Yes, we do.

Okay.

Sorry, I just have been having a crank call every five minutes they're ringing up, sir.

Oh, yeah, it's fine.

It's not a big deal.

Yeah.

Do you guys have garlic naan?

Yes, we do, sir.

Okay.

Two garlic naan.

Can I have your phone number, please?

My phone number?

Yes, sir.

Yeah, it's 892-212-408.

Where is this from?

What's that?

Is this the first number, right?

No, I don't know. It's a burner phone. I'm just here on vacation.

So it's the first number, right, in the city?

What's that? I think.

It's a local number, right?

It's a prepaid phone because it's too expensive to use my cell phone here out of the U.S.

Yes, so it's 9-2-2-1-2-4-0-2.

What?

That's weird.

All right, well, if you call me back at the number that I gave you, it'll reach me, okay?

8-9-2-2-1-2-4-0-2?

Yes.

Okay, sir.

Okay.

Okay, thank you.

No, and wait, I still want more stuff.

enough. Sir. Yeah, I'll call you back, sir. Well, no, I want, uh, Banchode. Do you have

Banchode? Yeah, I have, I have one on the phone right now. Do you, motherfucker? Is

that what you have? Yeah, you, yes, you are one. Oh, no, you are one. Yeah, yeah. No,

you're one. You got a looking in the mirror and talking, aren't you? You jahat, you fucking

and gone do yeah you you you say everything goes to you no you're the modern show you're a modern

okay so who wants to take the last call to this guy i'll do it i just want to get on

good evening balti may i help you yes i would like to place an order

yeah may i have your phone number please yeah it's uh eight nine two

what he's just done accepting calls from he's like you know what fuck this whole city

fuck this whole country he's now drinking heavily yes he is and tonight he will kill himself

and ice goose will be respond actually psych lux will be responsible way to go lux and you know

what that should have been your call yeah lux against my better judgment i'm gonna let you

I'm going to let you make your goddamn call to a target, okay?

Yeah, that's right.

Tell them you got a Barbie dog because it sounds reasonable for your voice.

Ooh.

That was my idea anyway.

It was also your idea to tell somebody you were going to kill us all.

You're going to kill them all.

Yeah.

You said that.

Let's refrain from that.

I'm in your Barbie.

Thank you for calling the Princeton Target Store.

So please stay on the line while your call is transferred to electronics.

It's all you, Lux.

Okay.

Hi, this is electronics. How may I help you?

Hi. Me and my dad were in there, and we got toys from me and my sister.

And my dad wants me to call and find out if I can return this one toy because it wasn't okay.

I'm sorry, what was that?

It's the We Got the Malibu Barbie Adventures in the Ghetto doll set.

You know, the one with Barbie and the five black guys?

Well, my dad wants me to return it because he says it's not appropriate.

Okay.

Yeah.

I want the horsey cat instead because this one has, like, Barbie dolls with penises.

And my dad said that's not okay.

Okay.

So, I don't know.

Is there a way I can get rid of this?

He hung up.

Yeah, probably.

God damn it.

Okay.

Lux, you're going to talk to the Target.

Target in Burlington, New Jersey.

You need to explain Horsy Cat.

Yes, you have to tell them.

Yeah, you have to explain Horsy Cat.

And I know it's hard because it's funny.

And maybe you try to sing them a song.

Yeah.

Horsy Cat, Horsy Cat, you're delicious.

I need to do one more.

Thank you for calling the Burlington Target.

What excuse?

Please stay on the line while your call is transferred to electronics.

Horsy Cat.

horsey cat horsey cat delicious electronic somebody help you hi so i i got a toy that i

don't want my dad said to call back and see if i can trade it in for another toy

this one's broken it's the breakdancing elmo i got the breakdancing elmo when i went in with

my dad but it's broken so now i want the horsey cat do you guys still have any of them

Um, hold on one second.

Okay.

Somebody act like his racist father who wants him to get rid of the toy and who destroyed it because it promotes urban, urban ways.

I'll do it.

Yay.

Yeah.

It's in Jersey?

Yes.

It's in Jersey.

Yeah.

Okay.

It says niggers should have rights.

I don't know about that.

My son should know that.

Boy, you're trying to turn something that promotes the electric boogaloo shit.

If you smell like this, then you have a big cunt.

And, Jaiyat, we would like to have a show, a phone larking that is just anti-Semitic rhetoric.

That's...

Yeah, I mean, that would be...

I mean, you always want to, you're, you always try to push the bounds of prank calling.

I mean, that's, that's like post-pranking.

It's, you don't even make pranks.

You just talk about Jews.

Yeah.

Hello?

Hi.

Hello.

Do you, so do you guys still have horsey cat?

Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, can I talk to you?

This is my son.

I need to return his breakdancing Elmo right now because it is teaching my son that it is okay to solve his problems through dance and pop locking.

And I will not have that in my home.

Do you understand?

So I want to give him this horsey cat, whatever that is.

Son, just can you please explain to the woman what a horsey cat is?

I'm sick of hearing.

Yeah, ma'am, when we were in there earlier, I saw the horsey cat.

and it's like it's you know what horsey cat is right haven't you seen the commercial for horsey

cat i don't think we carry that here i've seen the commercials but we don't have that in our store

you've seen the commercial yeah cool i love the commercial it's like my favorite song ever

horsey cat horsey cat you're delicious you smell like fishes and you have a big cup

because horsey cat has a huge penis yeah yeah ma'am i need to find this horsey cat or my son

son is going to act up. He got straight A's

and I really need to show him that

the work he does is valued, but it won't

be through some pop-locking

Sesame Street character who thinks that he

can collect her food. Dad, shut up.

Son, you don't tell me to shut up. You don't say that

to my face in front of the lady. What are you

going to do? I won't let you talk because I want you to be an adult.

Hello? Hi. So,

can you check your computers and see if

you have a horsey cat? Emoji

cat? No, horsey cat.

It's the newest, bestest toy

ever. The commercials are like

Like, horsey cat, horsey cat, you have a big penis.

You're so awesome.

We don't care.

It's so fun.

But it's the only anonymically correct pet.

Anatomically, son.

It's pronounced anonymically.

Yeah, yeah.

But listen, you pet it, and it purrs.

No, we do not care.

It comes erect.

It's the bestest thing ever.

It's half cat, half horse, and it ejaculates.

It's awesome.

Why don't you have it?

I will say it does look awesome, ma'am.

It has a long face.

Yeah, ma'am, it has realistic smegma.

Yeah.

You know, like smegma cheese that you put on your pizza?

Yeah, like when you aren't circumcised and that cheese collects under your foreskin.

That's smegma, ma'am.

And then you let your neighbor's son lick it off when he's 12.

Hey, ma'am, can I ask you a question real quick?

This is Ron Newman.

I'm actually chiming in from the corporate office for a moment.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, okay, listen.

Listen, do you have any customers nearby you right now?

Some.

Okay, can you put one on the phone for the weekly customer survey?

Can I put one on the phone?

Yeah, I need to see how their experience has been with Black Friday,

and I apologize for that caller earlier.

We monitored that at our centralized computer, and we canceled the call.

We disconnected it.

Sorry you had to deal with that.

That was a prank.

But go ahead and put a customer on the line.

I need to talk to them about their Black Friday shopping experience at Target.

Okay, give me one second, please.

Thank you.

Are you fucking kidding me?

No fucking way she's going to do that.

My God.

Oh, but she will.

Simple.

This will be epic if she does.

They get a free Xbox 360 game.

Yeah, they get Horsey Cat.

That's what I'm going to talk about.

Sloth has a big cock.

Sloth, how big is your cock?

It's like two and a half inches, man.

Hard or just flaccid?

Hard.

Oh, I was thinking it was going to be more like two feet.

Two, two feet.

Still beating me by two and a half inches, so.

Yeah, no son of mine is going to talk to me like that on the telephones.

Damn it, I'll slap the shit out of you and your breakdancing Elmo.

Shut up, whore.

This bitch needs to hurry up.

You don't call me that, you son of a bitch.

Yeah, that means your mother's a bitch, so suck on that, you little cocksucker motherfucker.

Yeah, well, you slept with Grandpa.

I saw you.

You know what, son?

that was a long time ago and i was drunk okay it was last week it was a long time ago son

all right we only got a couple minutes left yeah time's running out all right i got another idea

for target electronics i want to take them it'll be quick thank you for calling the east hanover

target store our store please stay on the line while your call is transferred to electronics

Me.

Hello?

Hey, yeah, this is Mr. Newman.

I had been talking earlier.

This is corporate.

Is this a customer?

No, it's not.

This is the LOD.

Oh, yeah.

I need you to put a customer on the line.

This is Ron Newman.

I'm from corporate.

I'm actually calling to do a survey regarding the Black Friday experience of a random customer there at your store.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't know anything about this.

I hadn't gotten any communication on it.

I'm just a little baffled.

Yeah, it's no big deal.

Um, we've kind of been doing it randomly, and truth be told, I was not expecting to have to do these tonight.

But, I do.

Okay, um, is there a number where I could call to verify, um, that this is something that I should be doing?

I'm afraid not.

Uh, this is very urgent.

There's not a lot of time to waste.

Um, okay, and what was your name again?

My name is Mr. Newman, and I'm an American citizen.

Yeah, I won't be putting a guest on the phone. I'm sorry.

Well, man, if I come down there, will you show me your asshole, and maybe I can put my fingers inside of it?

She hung up.

I can't imagine.

That's fucked up.

Okay.

I can't imagine.

I gotta download something quick.

Son of a bitch.

Fuck, fuck, shit, shit, fuck.

Cunt.

Piss.

Yeah, I'm an American citizen.

I'm an American citizen.

Best damn country in the world, damn it.

Yeah, best goddamn country in the world.

If it wasn't for us, you people would all be speaking German right now.

Just know this right now.

I love how when Baz calls Singapore, he always makes it like, I'm an American.

As if it's like the most impressive thing in the world to be talking to an American in Singapore.

It's so fucking funny.

Yeah, balls.

Okay, now I need to test something.

Okay, I'm being quick here, guys.

Trying to be quick.

Trying to be as quick as possible.

You only got five minutes, motherfucker.

I know, I know, I know.

One time when I pulled that, I'm an American, they said, oh, good for you.

And I said, yeah, it is good for me.

Bad for you.

We'll invade you.

Okay.

Do you guys hear that?

Yes.

Okay.

Danger zone.

You hear it?

Yeah.

Okay, cool.

Okay.

Now I need a target.

Oh, shit.

Shit.

I'm going to tell them I bought this fucking iPod and anything I upload to it, it doesn't

matter.

It just fucking plays Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins.

It's a crock of shit.

Shit, I've bought like $200 worth of songs on iTunes, and it's all fucking Danger Zone.

Thank you for calling.

Please stay on the line while your call is transferred to electronics.

Thank you for calling Target Promise.

Can I help you find something?

Yeah, this is Mr. Newman.

I was in there earlier for your Black Friday, and I purchased an iPod from that goddamn fucking Apple company.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay, so I bought this goddamn iPod.

It was an iPod Nano.

It's blue, okay?

So I get it home.

Do you have a point?

No, yeah, I have a complaint.

Don't sass talk me.

I got it home, okay?

And I uploaded all my music to it,

and I bought like $200 worth of songs off of iTunes, okay?

Hello?

I'm listening.

Okay, and every song that I upload, no matter what,

when I go to listen to it, all it is is Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins.

That's a disaster.

No, I know.

No, listen. No, look. Okay, look. This is Rocketman by Elton John. Okay? I uploaded this earlier. Listen.

All right.

See? It's just Danger Zone. Like, it's all Danger Zone. That's all I'm getting here.

It's possible that it's defective, so if you want, you can take it back.

But why would it do that? Is that your problem? Did you do that?

No, not particularly. No.

Well, then how the fuck is it playing Kenny Loggins all the time? That's all it plays.

I have no idea, sir.

All right, look, here, hold up, hold up.

Look, I'm going to play We Didn't Start the Fire by Billy Joel.

Okay.

Okay?

Do you hear that?

Right, okay, yeah.

It's Danger Zone.

Hold up.

Okay.

Danger Zone.

Do you hear that?

Okay.

Yeah.

All right, the only thing I can tell you, sir, is you can bring it back and we can exchange

it for you, or you can contact the Apple help desk.

That's all I can do for you, sir.

But do you think maybe if I come down there, I could be compensated in other fashions as

well for my inconvenience?

Um, I have no idea.

Well, what I hope to receive as restitution for the damages that your stories caused me

by having to listen to Kenny Loggins repeatedly as I make love to my wife this evening,

I would like to come down there.

Listen, I have to take another call.

Look, I'll suck your dick.

Oh, God.

Okay, guys, we have to close up the song with that.

I mean, close up the...

This is Elton John.

That was brilliant.

that was nice it's like where's dirty aaron has anybody heard from him no okay does anybody else

waiting for him kenny loggins while i make love to my wife yes all right hold up one second i

gotta fix my audio after i fucked with it sounds pretty good man well no but i fucking i was piping

in shit from it over my mic okay okay word now let me turn that off okay so who wants to take a

call real quick i'll do one i guess i don't know i i feel like this is probably gonna be like my

last chance to get one in on this long day of calling so true that you're gonna be on with

dirty aaron right i'm not sure it looks like uh tristan might be oh cool tristan like austral

australian tristan right yeah yeah fuck yeah fuck yeah all right well does he want us off the air

a while? Uh, no, nobody's

messaged me anything.

Alright, well. Yeah, just give me

a number and tell him what's for this. Yeah, let me try to message

Jardier and see if he's ready to

go. Yeah, I'll cook something

up if, um, you just give me a store

and, you know, whatever.

I can make something work, probably.

I got one for you, buddy.

Okay, swap those ones. Okay.

You guys should just, like, set objectives, like,

try to get transferred, like, three times or shit

like that, because I could probably make that happen, too.

Thank you for calling the East Hanover Target Store.

Our store hours.

Please stay on the line while your call is transferred to electronics.

30 years.

Five minutes.

He's ready to go.

True that.

I'm going to try to do the Jewish coach.

Hello?

Electronics.

Hi.

Is this near toys?

Or can I talk to somebody about toys?

No, this is electronics.

How far is electronics from toys?

What is it that you need?

toys? Can I talk to somebody?

No, I mean, like, what is it that you're looking for

in the toy department? Well, I'm looking for

a toy for my Goyim

nephew, because it's Hanukkah, and I

really need to get these Hanukkah presents,

and I was out there, and this

Meshuggah just really got in my way

about all of these little toys that

I needed to buy, and I ended up

spending way more money than I needed. I just

need to talk to somebody in toys and custom service

like really quick here, hon.

You didn't get any more

Hello, you there?

Ma'am?

Hi, may I help you?

Hi, I'm looking for these toys.

My little nephew, he's got a bar mitzvah coming up.

It's a really big deal.

I'm looking for this board game, and I know you might not have it.

I know Black Friday Rush might have taken it away from you.

But I'm looking for the Hyde and Frank play set.

Do you guys have that?

It's called the Hyde and Frank board game.

It's either a board game or a play set.

You know, Anne Frank, that little Jewish girl that, like, wrote the diary about hiding from the Nazis and stuff.

What's her name?

It's called Hyde and Frank.

I can't hear you.

I'm sorry.

It's called the Hyde and Frank board game or something like that.

It's called Hyde and Frank.

Can you spell that?

Because I can't hardly hear you.

Okay, it's spelled H as in Hitler, I as in idea, D as in dominatrix, E as in education, space.

You put a space in there.

Okay.

A as in apple, N as in Nazi, N as in Negro, E as in Episcopalian.

Ma'am, ma'am, I'm just trying to enunciate.

I don't want to give redundant numbers out.

Oh, shit.

You know what?

Damn it.

I keep wrong longer than that.

All right, everybody.

Baz, Ice Goose, Lux, Drunk PhD, Spray.

Thank you guys for participating.

Yeah, absolutely.

Thanks for having me on.

Thank you.

That was fun.

Thank you, everybody, for being on the science show.

Shut up, Ice Goose.

Yes, science.

Tune in for Brent Westwood next.

Thanksgiving 2013 Prankathon 3/7 – Icegoose and Sloth – Science!

Calls (27, 1 h 15 min of 1 h 38 min)

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