Thanksgiving 2013 Prankathon 4/7 – Brent Westwood Show

Erver, I've just been checking the shoutcast, it's back up.

Are we playing on the shoutcast?

Anybody in the chat?

What's weird is that with the Mixler thing there, it does some weird shit with the shoutcast machine.

Oh well.

Now it's fucking working.

I make fix.

I make the fix.

Somehow or another, the encoder is taking a shit.

Alright, that's good.

I need that to work because it's the only way I can see my levels when I'm through the shoutcast machines.

Okay, it's working now.

Jesus fucking Christ.

20 minutes in and haven't made a call.

I've clicked about 73 times and failed at most everything.

All right, so let's check this.

Oh, yeah, that's looking good.

On top of the cover, money on the dresser, driver compressor, top knocker.

All right, speaking of the microphone, sirs, so I can check my levels here.

Hello, hello, hello.

That's about right.

Okay, great.

Okay, well, what I have here is some numbers for the Best Buys and shit, because it's Black Friday, you know?

So it's still, what is it?

It's just now Sunday there, isn't it, Tristan?

Saturday morning, but I don't even know what Black Friday is.

Oh, yeah, that's right, because you guys are soulless and don't believe in Jesus Christ, so there's no...

Devil people.

yeah devil people so there's no uh uh so thanksgiving and then black friday is when

all of the retailers uh make all their money essentially the day after for christmas shopping

oh so it's not to do with indians has nothing to do with uh it has nothing to do with christopher

columbus who did not discover america um okay i have no idea i just know you guys eat turkey

oh my god you're well here's what you're really missing out on is youtube if you get on the

The YouTube, it's an American website.

I don't know if you guys have it down there,

where you type in Black Friday,

and it will have pictures of Americans fighting over television sets in the Walmart.

Wow.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've seen some Americans before.

Yeah.

We're civilized.

We're great people.

That's for sure.

So, anyways, let's open up this.

I'm going to try and

So that's amazing that nobody from Australia

Knows about Black Friday

Well at least

At least one guy

I thought it had something to do with Indians

Because they're kind of black

Is that what you're saying

Well I don't know I thought it had something to do with like

Killing them

Isn't that like a remembrance day or something

Yes

I don't know

That's exactly correct

I'm going to look it up on Wikipedia

That's the Wikipedia

That will tell you what's up.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yep.

I already saw some good Black Friday things.

We celebrate Black Friday by buying things.

It might actually mean something else, but I'm not 100% sure.

Okay, so what I do have...

I think it means that the stores are in the black for that day.

Yeah, right, right.

As opposed to the red.

That's boring.

Because we have Black Saturday here, but that was about bushfires.

Because the sky was sky-red black.

Yeah, a lot of people died.

So it had nothing to do with buying TVs.

Oh, that's sad.

All right, well, I have a bunch of Best Buys in New York.

So what we usually do, Tristan, is that we call the retailers

and ask for a stupid shit that doesn't exist

that usually has to do with having sex with animals.

Oh, like that horsey cat thing?

The horsey cat, that's right, if you've been listening to that.

So we call and ask for the horsey cat, et cetera, et cetera.

They don't have it.

Then we ask for sex, and, you know, it's just hilarity.

so I have about

10 Best Buys to call

and then we'll move on to some other

we'll move on to some other stuff

I've just recently

discovered the new downfall to my prank closet

is when you fart it smells

and doesn't go anywhere

so like you give yourself

a Dutch oven?

yeah it's kind of like when I wear

coveralls and then I fart inside of it

that coffee's doing it's thing

yes it is there's going to be a coffee

we'll call it a bathroom break any minute

You should switch to what I'm drinking.

I'm still drinking whiskey.

Jesus Christ.

Okay.

All right.

Let's try this.

I think this is Best Buy.

I just have a list of numbers, and it says Best Buy.

Thank you for calling Best Buy in Glendale.

For store hours, press 1.

For directions, press 2.

To speak to a sales associate, press 3.

For Geek Squad services, press 4.

To speak to Pacific Kitchen and Home, for pricing and availability, press 1.

For questions for...

Best Buy Glendale, this is Brian speaking.

How may I help you today?

Yeah, I was wondering if you guys have the Horsey Cat?

The what I'm saying?

The Horsey Cat.

Horsey Cat?

Yeah.

What is that?

It's like a little, it's kind of like the iRobot thing, you know.

Can you just, can you check for me?

Horsey Cat?

Yeah.

I'm going to find out, okay?

All right, thanks.

When it comes to holiday gifts from Best Buy, we've got you covered.

With more choices, more savings, and more gifts from our extended assortment at BestBuy.com.

Chances are, we've got what you're looking for.

Can't be that out to find a horse again.

Yeah, no shit.

Remember, we offer free shipping.

Alright, I can't fucking stand that.

I'll just call right back.

Thank you for calling Best Buy in Glendale.

For store hours, press 1.

For directions, press 2.

To speak to a sales...

Art hours for the next 7 days...

Oh, goddammit.

Black Friday, mid...

For store hours, press 1.

Shit.

Art hours for the next 7...

For store hours, press 1.

For directions, press 2.

For pricing and availability, press...

There we go, fuck.

Hey, we're calling Best Thing.

What the hell can I help you?

Yes, hello.

I was looking for a horsey cat.

Oh, what?

I'm sorry?

A horsey cat.

Hello?

I think she hung up.

Hello?

Yes.

Hello, I'm looking for a horsey cat.

A horsey cat?

I'm not sure what that is.

It's like half alligator, shark, half man.

I'm sorry?

It's like half alligator, shark, half man.

Okay.

Can you just look it up on the computer, horsey cat?

Horsey cat?

What you do is you open up the computer, you type in horsey cat, enter, and then wait

and see what comes up.

can you try that on what kind of system do you want me to look it up that's why i'll come on

the compute yeah on the computer machines um my kid he says i don't know where's he got i don't

know where's he got they haven't passed by and so here i am you know just trying to make this

shit happen what is it though what is it i have no idea is it a dvd can can you ask the google

what it is the google let me ask the google hold on okay what is this nothing comes up

Okay, well, I don't know what to tell you.

I mean, so you guys don't have one?

Is that what you're telling me?

I don't think we do, to be honest with you.

Oh, okay, thank you.

I mean, if you could have just looked that up right away

instead of making me explain it all to you,

that would be much easier.

I got to call someplace else now.

Okay, good luck.

All right, go fuck yourself.

All right, I will.

Thanks.

Have a great day.

I love it when they get enjoyment out of me

telling them to go fuck themselves.

The Google.

Oh, that's funny.

Google machine.

Yeah, the Google machine.

That's right.

Okay.

Let's do that again, but just in another area.

You can always give them the Meatspin IP.

Oh, yeah.

I don't have that, though.

Thank you for calling Best Buy in West Hollywood.

For store hours, press 1.

For directions, press 2.

To speak to a sales associate, press 3.

For Geek Squad services, press 4.

For pricing and availability, press 1.

for questions regarding a previous purchase

and all other...

Is that going to put it on hold immediately?

Remember, we offer free shipping

on orders $25 and up

at BestBuy.com.

It doesn't get any easier than that.

What the fuck?

Hey, these motherfuckers.

Thank you for calling Best Buy and Best Hollywood.

For store hours, press 1.

For directions, press 2.

To speak to a sales associate, press 3.

For pricing and availability...

Fucking asshole.

That one must be really busy, because that's the second time I've got to pick up and hang up.

Okay.

Do you want to try and order a horsey cat, Tristan?

Yeah.

Thank you for calling Best Buy in Montebello.

For store hours, press 1.

For directions, press 2.

For store hours, press 1.

For directions, press 2.

To speak to a sales associate, press 3.

For pricing and availability, press 1.

For questions regarding...

Wow, it smells like stuffing in here.

oh how you going honey yes i'm doing good i'm doing fantastic having a lovely morning just

been drinking my morning coffee um i'm actually looking for a toy for my uh niece okay just give

me a second okay um hello yes yes i'm here uh yes what are you doing hello excuse me i'm gonna go

go ahead and place you on hold right now. Why?

Just give me a second. What are you doing?

Just give me a second, please. Okay.

I'm hanging up now.

What a rude woman. She was really trying

to keep me on the phone.

Give me a second. Yeah. Just give me

a second, please. I think that maybe

that best buy has been called.

Anyway. She's activating her

tracing machines. Yeah. I don't want

that. She can trace me all the way

to California if she wants.

Not going to find me.

Okay.

Okay, this thing here, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, okay.

Good talk.

I'm just having a discussion with myself.

Nice.

If I get traced, they trace me to Indiana.

Well, I mean, at the end of the day, you know, my phone number is out of L.A.

Thank you for calling Best Buy in Culver City, Westfield Mall.

For store hours, press 1.

For directions, press 2.

To speak to a sales associate, press 3.

For pricing and availability, press 1.

For questions regarding a previous purchase and all other questions, press 2.

I don't know what it is.

He might be confused.

You know, I'm calling the source, you know.

Thank God I didn't go all the way down there.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I haven't heard anything by that name, to be honest.

Okay, yeah, because I've already had my copy.

It's almost time for me to take a shit.

I can't leave for another hour to find the horsey cat.

Mm-hmm.

All right, honey, well, you sound nice.

Can I just come down there?

Maybe I can just talk to you for a little while, or...

Sure.

Okay, what's your name again?

Marlene.

Okay, I'm Brent.

I'll be coming down, probably with my shirt unbuttoned, a couple things, and we'll hang out.

Okay.

All right, honey.

You have a good one.

Okay, bye-bye.

Wow, that's how you do it.

Yeah, that's how I do it.

You're going to get it in.

Yeah, I'm going to get it in something.

Sure.

Maybe that's what it's all about, Black Friday.

Yeah, well, let's hope.

Sex with black women.

Sex with anybody, really.

Big booty Brenda.

So hot.

Well, I've got a complaint for Best Buy at some point.

Okay.

Oh, shit.

Oh, that was probably really loud.

I'm sorry.

That kind of bores me a little bit.

You've got to click a lot of buttons.

So what makes it funny is that we can call other countries and talk about Black Friday.

Like Australia, where they don't know about Black Friday.

And I just happen to have a lot of numbers for Australia.

Oh, well, let's just go ahead and we'll see if we can work the Black Friday into these numbers that Tristan's sending in.

Really?

I mean, I like the idea about going along with the Black Friday theme, the 24-hour printcast machines, but I get bored easily.

I really like to talk about poop and things like that, so I can confuse people.

No, we did some non-Black Friday calls on Science Show.

Oh, good.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I just like making prank calls, you know.

We angered some banshoots in Perth.

Absolutely.

I love that.

Yeah, we need to do some of those.

Yeah, for sure.

So Tristan sent in a number in, it looks like, the UK for a white Merck G550.

That's a gallon wagon for anybody who does not know.

These are all Craigslist.

Yeah.

Oh, can't call that Skype number right now.

Oh, okay.

Did I not format it right?

It says you can't call this Skype right now.

What?

That's fucking interesting.

What about the one underneath it?

It's another UK one.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You know what?

I think you did.

Maybe I missed a number.

Yeah, you were short a number on that other one.

Yeah.

What's the one underneath?

Oh, adult toys?

Yeah, four huge boxes of adult toys.

Hello?

Calling about the adult toys for sale?

Hello?

Can you hear me?

Oh, that one was fucked up.

That was 25 cents a minute.

Holy shit, that was a cell phone.

I don't even care.

I don't care who that was.

I'm not calling them back.

That's a DeLorean.

That's the DeLorean?

Okay.

Hello, and thank you for calling the Beverly Hills Car Club.

We are sorry that we're not here to take your call right now, but...

Is that the Beverly Hills Car Club?

Nah, must be one of those stupid commercial ones posing as a person.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Anyway, they've got the BBC radio news desk where we can talk about...

Oh, we'll talk to them about...

...how many Loggins has passed away.

way. I like that.

We'll ask them about Black Friday, if they know

where any sales are. Oh, let me see.

So they're going to know about the sale.

They should, though.

We could tell them there's a riot

over horsey cats. Yeah.

Fucking great idea, Baz. I'm still

waking up. I mean, it's fucked up.

So that's the advantage of not going to sleep.

Yeah, you're already on point.

Your mind is already moving.

Your tools are already out.

Yeah, I have my tool out. I personally

set my alarm for 4.55

5 a.m. because I usually

don't even get up this early for sex.

That number at BBC

News Desk went. It did not work.

Do you drop the zero with the UK numbers?

Uh, I don't

think so. No. I don't know.

No, it's plus 4-4 and then it's usually the

zero.

Well, it looks like.

Man massage.

I'll see if he's got a Black Friday sale

for the man massage. Shit, I'm all

ashy. That bitch.

Hello, is this the massage?

All right, I was wondering if you had any Black Friday sales today, or coupons.

Yeah, I think I might do.

Oh, okay, is it a half off today or anything?

Or if I get in really early, I get a massage?

Well, are you in London at the moment, or?

I'll be flying in there in about four hours.

I get really tense after.

I get really tense.

Okay, I'm flying, so are you looking to you?

Either way, as long as somebody's going to come.

Yeah, where will you be?

Well, I'm in Earl's Court, I don't know how, but where are you staying yourself?

I just kind of show up, I fly in, you know, see if I can get, you know, a massage,

and then, you know, see where it takes me from there.

I stay wherever I stay.

And you're saying, okay.

No, you know, sometimes I just meet some people in the pub, you know,

and then hopefully they take me home, maybe I can get sex, you know.

All right then, yeah, that's quite good when you can do that.

I don't know how well you know London, but I'm in an old coach, one minute from the tube,

so you can come to me, or if you get a place, I can come to you.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, I can come in front of you, that's not a problem.

Okay.

So, does it ever get awkward, does it ever get weird if I turn over and I have an erection

or anything like that, is that?

No, no, that'd be fine, yeah.

Okay, all right, can you help me out with that, or?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, great, great.

Okay, well, I'll just call you when I land.

Yeah, I mean, it's coming to 2 o'clock now, so you'll be here, what, just before 6 p.m.?

Yeah.

Okay, so do you know, I don't know where you're coming from, but do you know approximately what time you may be in, of course?

7.

Okay, that, yeah, okay, I can keep that fake, and, okay, so you'll just give me a call back around about 6 or 7?

Yeah, right when I hit the tarmac, I'm going to call you and come straight in.

Okay, would you be coming via the tube or get a taxi?

Yeah, tubes, yeah.

The tube.

Okay, that's fine.

Um, I've sent you a text in a moment with my address and directions.

I'm only one minute's walk from those courts, too.

Sounds lovely.

I can't wait.

Well, where are you coming in from?

What country are you in at the moment?

I can't, um, I'm fucking, uh, I'm in Africa right now.

Africa.

All right.

Um, okay, that's fine.

Um, just give me a call back when you've landed and, um, yeah.

Okay.

Okay, I'll see you later, then.

Okay.

All right.

Jesus Christ.

He was down.

He was going to help me out.

I couldn't get him wound up.

Call the BBC switchboard.

He was going to get you unwound.

Yeah, no shit.

He was coming to me or I was going to come to him.

So much coming.

Holy shit, that call cost like a dollar.

That was so long.

What the fuck?

What the hell?

BBC switchboard.

It rang, so I think it's formatted.

It's good.

Okay.

But I don't know.

Something's wrong with those people.

They're dirty people.

That's the main problem.

No, we saved our asses in World War II.

All right, Baz, I'm just going to send you a Skype message,

but it's on the other side.

It's just all these numbers,

but it's just easier to click them out of your chat than out of my chat,

which is what I do with the Cobra.

This is going to be Domino's Pizza in Warawong, Australia.

Warawong.

Is that what it's called?

How far away is that from you?

Don't you know every city?

I'd be in Western Australia, isn't it?

No, what's the country code?

Is it 61, right?

61's Australia, yeah.

Right.

Is it 08618?

It is 1300 is the prefix.

1300.

I don't know if that'll work.

We'll give it a try.

Do you have to do the 61 or whatever, whatever you call?

If it's international.

but

hang on

let me look at that

1-300

that's a 1-300 number

I don't

that won't work

I don't think

I could be wrong

1-300

it's meant to be

like a line

oh why did you

fucking pick up the phone then

uh

because our phone

telephone line

is on that choice

okay

alright

you sound like a

banchoed

what

you sound like a

banchoed

yeah I can't

understand what was that

can you

can't

you sound like a

motherfucker

I can't

sorry about that

I can't

take this call

alright shit

fuck that was a cell phone shit it was a cell phone yeah i'm gonna get some sky one three

hundred there's yeah it's not like a um it's not a land it's not a it's it's direction to the

closest well whoever what the closest guy will be like the closest shop so if you call a one

three hundred number in um you know a different city it should ring the local dominoes so i don't

know where that was it's in uh new south wales yeah it'd be like one in the morning he doesn't

He doesn't know what to do.

I need to go here.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah, I don't think you're going to find very many of these Australian numbers open right now, Aaron.

Oh, really?

Yeah, they're all in New South Wales.

So what?

Oh, it's 1 a.m. over there?

Well, I wonder if there's any.

One thing we haven't done enough of as far as wake-up calls over there, you know?

Yeah.

Plenty of UK.

You know, I was thinking about that.

but I did a trial run for a show earlier in the week,

and I'm focusing on international calls,

and I was thinking about the Australian wake-up.

Yeah, it might be great.

I mean, they're all criminals over there, and they're all named Bruce.

Okay, so, okay, right, yeah, New South Wales.

All right, well, so what is it, 6 a.m.?

What is it in the U.K.?

Oh, yeah, I'll bounce back to this Best Buy thing, see if we can get a...

Yeah, UK would be early afternoon.

Thank you for calling Best Buy in Downey.

For store hours, press 1.

For directions, press...

For pricing and availability, press 1.

Steve, we're calling Best Buy in Downey.

This is Anna speaking.

How may I help you?

Hello.

Hi.

Hi, I'm calling about the goddamn horsey cat.

About what I'm telling you?

The horsey cat.

Did I talk to you already?

No.

Okay, good.

Because I've called a bunch of Best Buys.

I just have them.

I'm just going down the list to see if they got the horsey cat.

God damn it.

Hello?

I'm checking.

Give me one moment.

All right, hurry up.

She's typing into the computer there.

Hello?

No hold music.

She hung up.

She didn't like me to tell her to hurry up.

All right, look at this.

We got some...

This will be a first for me.

Australian wake-up calls.

Nice.

Is that a Banshee name?

Yeah, I'm looking for names.

The first name is Anal.

Anal?

Calling Auschwitz Migration.

Please keep your name and first name on that.

Hang up.

I'm like M. Night Shyamalan here.

Tom's movies suck.

Oh, shit.

Guess what?

Alright, it's like six minutes before it's over.

That's gonna be stupid.

Alright, that was the 140.

This is W. Morrison.

Tristan's pumping out some numbers for us.

Great to have you on, mate.

Yeah, it's good.

I saw some pretty wacky videos of some guys in Australia somewhere on the tubes.

They call them the tubes out there, just subway, whatever.

Hello.

Hello, good morning.

This is W. Morrison.

It's one o'clock in the morning.

I don't give a shit what time is it, woman.

I'm a man and I have a larger brain than you.

You need to listen up.

Do you understand?

I don't think I need to listen to you at all.

Oh, I think you should, ma'am.

Are you ready?

And why would I want to listen to you?

Because my name is Brent Westwood.

And that should mean what to me?

That means that it should command your vagina to open for me.

That's another delusion.

Take the medicine and go away.

No, you're the medicine.

Sassy.

Congratulations, Sam.

It's your first angry Aussie wake-up call.

Yeah, that's right.

Excellent.

All right, this is going to be C. Morrison.

Oh, maybe I should call back and apologize for being so rude.

That's what I'm going to do.

I think you can win her over.

I think so.

Hi, you've reached Wendy Morrison.

I can text her a call.

Wendy.

Oh, Wendy.

This is C. Morrison.

These are Australian wake-up calls for a change.

I'm an international man of mystery, just in case you guys are wondering.

You have reached Telstra Home Messages 101 service of 0397897.

This is A. Morrison.

Hello.

Hello, A. Morrison.

Yes.

How are you tonight?

I'm good, thank you. Who's this?

Oh, this is Mr. Westwood calling.

Mr. Westwood?

Westwood.

Yes, Mr. Westwood. How are you?

I'm good. I'm afraid I don't think I know you.

Oh, I think you do, ma'am.

Would you like to know me in a special way?

Maybe I can come over and pull down my pants for you?

Click.

Okay.

Most of these Australians are rather polite.

806.

Okay, this is Jay Brown.

We got two Jay Browns there.

James Brown.

Let's see if they know about the Black Friday.

Let's see if they...

That's a no answer.

Another Jay Brown.

Another James Brown.

Hello?

Yeah.

Jay Brown?

Yes, this is Mr. Westwood calling about the Black Friday sales event.

No, you've got the wrong number, love.

Oh, hold on. Is this 3563?

It's 97863563.

563. Yeah, no, this is the correct number.

I have a request here in my computer machines to be called.

No, we don't even have a computer in this house, love.

Oh, that's fine. Okay.

Okay, so then you haven't heard about our event happening?

No, no.

Oh, okay, well, it's where I come to your house and pull down my pants.

Oh, is it?

Yeah, would you like to see that?

I've got a big one.

Maybe we have a root?

Nah.

Nah, you don't think so?

You sound nice.

Send it a like.

Yeah, call back.

It's a live one, really, that's all that matters.

See, now the people, and I'll give up credit to the Australian people,

People, they seem to be smart enough to not answer the phone the second time,

unlike the people in the U.K. every time.

New news, people.

You have reached Telstra Home Messages 101 service of 0397.

All right.

As you go down the list, there's poorer suburbs.

It gets poorer and poorer as we go down?

Yeah.

All right, this is B. Stevens.

So she gets angrier and angrier.

That's the idea.

And then right at the bottom, we've got, like, ethnic suburbs.

I love it.

Yeah, we'll bank through these.

I got some UK ones, too.

We can go, you know, local.

Hello.

This is Mr. Westwood calling.

Is B. Stevens available?

I don't give a fuck what time it is.

You're going to listen to me talk.

I don't know.

You understand?

This is Mr. Westwood calling.

I'm going to come down there, pull down my pants, and then fuck your sister.

I don't know.

How about your mom?

I'm on.

Yeah.

I will come on your mom.

That's right.

Do you think that's a nice thing to say about your mother?

Why not?

It's bad.

David Snozzwell would like to speak with you.

Are you ready?

Why not?

Were you asleep?

Just about.

Were you, you know, did you have your hand down in your pants and you were kind of touching

yourself, getting ready?

You live in Australia where sleeping is happening?

Oh, well, not a lot of people.

David Snozzwell was not sleeping at that time.

No.

I'm going to die.

All right, now listen.

Here's what's going to happen.

I'm going to come to your house.

I'm going to fuck your sister.

and I'm going to take a shit in your toilet, okay?

Okay, well, whatever woman is close by,

and then I'm going to leave the rubber in your trash can

and then call the police.

You understand?

Okay.

You're an awful nice man.

You know that?

You're a very nice man.

Okay, David Snozwell would not put up with this.

No, I'm David Snozwell,

and you have to reckon with me now.

I guess I don't put up with this kind of shite.

We're from the Royal Service, you know.

We're calling from the Royal Service.

We're calling from London, the Commonwealth.

Yeah, we're English.

Couldn't you tell?

And we're checking in on the penal colonies.

Make sure you're following all the regulations.

You're a penal colony.

You're a bunch of criminals.

And we're here to keep you in line.

Make sure you're following all the Black Friday regulations.

Yes.

Are you not aware that it is Black Friday?

Well, it's Black Saturday.

You guys are so far behind.

that you don't even realize that Black Friday came and went and you broke all the regulations

and now you will be penalized.

My associate, Mr. Westwood, will be coming to levy the penalty

and he will require that you pull down your pants and bend over.

Is that correct, Mr. Westwood?

Yes, sir.

You will comply?

Hold on. Here's the problem is that we're having...

I have an Australian translator on the line. Would that help you, sir?

No, I think we need our Australian translator on the line.

He said he didn't require one.

Oh, no requirement.

Okay.

So, can you understand the king's speech?

Look.

The man's English?

Look.

I can't look at anything.

I'm on the telephone.

Now listen.

Oh, now I'm listening.

No, listen.

Goodbye.

Now do I have to wait for you?

Do I have to say goodbye?

Yeah, and give a fuck what it is.

All right, sweetheart.

I'm waiting.

Fucking A.

That guy was heavily medicated or just, you know, could not give a fuck.

Oh, that area has a heroin.

problem oh yeah he's all up on the horse the horsey cat yeah he is on the horsey cat

oh he's he's just got off the silk road all right jay stevens you're just tuning in this is uh

oh busy all right we're just tuning in this is a special black friday 24 hour prank marathon

on the Madhouse Network.

This is the Brent Westwood Show.

On the line, I have David Snoswell and Bruce Southwood.

Check us out in the Madhouse Mibbit chat.

MadhouseLive.com, also BrentWestwood.com.

Then friend me on Facebook, Brent Westwood Prank Calls

would be the page, and then Brent Westwood as your friend.

So this is for fucking doing it live.

Um, I'm going to need to take a break a little bit and refresh my, well, at least get some water

and possibly poo. Uh, just, I'm just waking up to my wake up time because it's about 6 15 AM

in the morrow. Uh, and we're making some call machines. So I have, okay, Australia might not

work. We got England. Uh, let's start with some of those. So it's, uh, it's still really early and,

still really early in

Hawaii.

Maybe there's a wake-up call there.

Alright. Baz is sending in numbers.

It's not formatted

correctly, I don't think.

I think the colon has something to do with it.

Sometimes you have to space in front

or behind the number.

Alright, I'm going to send you another message here.

Don't freak out.

Oh my god.

Also, don't give these numbers to anybody.

they're not they're not for public use understood uh this is howard boyd in birmingham he's probably

at work and this is a pensioner all right no answer there bt answer 1572 okay we're at the

3563 let me see when the last one i called there all right there okay this is going to be l brown

this will be a australian wake-up call they're not getting upset the criminals aren't getting

getting upset, Bruce? Oh, let's see. J. Stephen, L. Stevens. Okay, 994. I've got to look at

this last bit here. 1735. I'm trying to look in my logs, make sure I'm not double calling

these people. Okay, I did. And we'll just go to, I know I didn't call A. Rainbow. Yeah,

that's his surname, Rainbow. Fucking awesome. Hello. Hi. Hello, Rainbow. Yeah. This is Brent

Westwood calling. How are you? Who is it? Is this Mr. Westwood? Brent Westwood. I don't

know who you are we met at the store the other day we exchanged numbers do you remember no not

me one of the guys was it oh one of the guys yeah oh are they like are they small trim tight

effeminate men yep oh really what what are you i'm brent westwood you know what time it is here

where are you calling from yes i'm calling from united states of america greatest country in the

world i mean i am an american i'm on my american cell phone but i'm i'm near you because i met

I got the number for the young, tight, effeminate men.

All right, I'm going to go.

It's in the middle of the night here.

Oh, that's okay.

That's when I do my best work.

All right, bye-bye.

Okay, can...

Hello?

Hello.

Let's see if she picks up.

With an in-light rainbow, she should be partying right now.

She has to be into drugs for that day.

Yes.

Oh, there you are again.

I'm sorry.

I just wanted to call and apologize if I bother you.

Are you going to...

Yeah, because it's one o'clock in the morning.

We're asleep.

Oh, okay.

Well, maybe I can come over and break a condom off inside of you.

No, that's fine.

Okay.

Bye-bye.

I think a tracer can stop me.

I think you're going to make a woman cry.

I don't know why that just came to me about breaking a condom off.

She didn't sound too happy.

All right, this is A-Glass.

Let me know if you guys want to do a couple.

I'm just going to keep clicking.

Yeah, I don't know if they answer.

You know, you get two, three good calls an hour this time of the day.

I'm just, you know, wanted to show myself to that house crew.

a few prank calls early in the

fucking morning. That's what I fucking

do, god damn it. You can try the

great guy. Oh, Jimmy

sold out the Cranberry Milk Bar because

he's, uh,

his number's disconnected. Yeah, I don't

know what that is now. He lives there

like in the milk bar. Yeah, shit.

Yeah, because I've tried to call him and he's like

my favorite person. Him and

I've called that other guy, the

fuck you up the ass guy

several times.

Yeah, he's fucking awesome. He owns like a

It's like a chicken?

Yeah, it's Chuckle Chicken or something.

Chuckle's Chicken versus G. Nicopolis.

Oh, this is Greek, yeah?

I think he's a Greek.

Yeah, well, it's going to be Greek.

You have reached health to home messages when I want.

Mm-hmm.

All right, this is Jimmy Hung.

Yeah, this fucking...

I don't know if you were around when I called that guy the...

What does he say?

I fuck asshole that guy.

That's the guy.

Yeah, the gay chicken man.

Yeah, the gay chicken guy.

And I was like...

Oh, he's fantastic.

Oh, yeah, I called him.

And somebody else answered because he must be using his phone for, like, the chicken shack or something.

And I was like, let me speak to the asshole.

And he's like, okay, hold on.

I'll get him.

I remember that.

That was fucking rad.

I talked to him for, he'll just keep on going.

Like, nothing shocks him.

Yeah, he's great.

All right, this is Jimmy Hung.

This is all Australia.

You're about to call the Cobra.

Fuck up.

Do a Cobra wake-up call.

All right.

Yeah, you've got to call the Cobra and wake him up and say dirty, vile things.

We'll just call his girlfriend.

That'd be fucking amazing.

I'll never hear the end of it.

Black Friday.

So I posted one down in chat.

It's a place I've always wanted to call.

They're never open during regular show hours.

It's the Vietnamese place in London.

It's the Fat Fuck Noodle Bar.

Okay, let's see here.

You're going to have to scroll up a bit.

I can post it again.

Fat Fuck Noodle Bar in Sydney?

Or no, it's in London?

Sydney Street, London.

Okay.

Yeah, no, here we go.

This is all you.

All right.

We could call Golden Road and Asian Massage in a little bit, too.

TV Noodle Bar.

How can I help you?

Yeah, it's Noodle Bar.

Yeah.

Yeah, hello.

My name is David Snozwell.

How are you?

Yeah, fine, fine.

Yeah, it's Black Friday, and I need my Black Friday noodles.

I'm a little concerned.

I have a bit of a weight problem.

them, and I hear you discriminate against

heavyset Americans. No. No? I don't know

where you get it from. Well, it's just the name of your restaurant.

It's the Fat Fuck Doodle Bar, so they're kind of implying that people that eat there

are fat fucks. I'm very offended. No, no, no.

I want to speak to your manager immediately.

You're discriminating against me. I mean, I'm a large person,

and I've dealt with this all my life.

I'm sorry, you know.

I'm sorry if I have caused any concern.

I look at your restaurant

and I see the sign

and it's calling me a fat fuck.

It's not nice, man.

Why don't you bring her down

and then come and shoot me, huh?

Yeah, no, I'm not a violent person.

You said that to fight your, um,

your, your, your, your instinct.

Yeah.

Okay.

Are you a fat fuck?

What the fuck?

He was getting dizzy.

He was getting mad.

That escalated quickly.

Let's call him back.

Yeah, dude.

I'll, I'll, I'll call back

as your partner.

Hello, Pippin Noodle Bar. How can I help?

Yes, hello. Is this the Fat Fuck Noodle Bar?

Yeah, we are.

Oh, okay. Are you the lady? Are you the lady?

What would you like to order?

I would like to order one order of noodles.

Okay. And chicken soup or laksa. What kind of noodles?

Do you have pad kee mao?

No, we don't do that one.

Or foo fuck suck?

Pardon?

Foo fuck suck?

No.

Oh, it's where you take the noodle and you insert it in the asshole,

and then you put the penis in the mouth.

Oh, she hung up for some reason.

It's my favorite entree.

They must have more than one person answering the phone.

Yeah.

All right.

I was too angry to answer.

Let's call this guy.

Invalid number for Charlie.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's fuck that up.

I think that's a zip code.

Oh, yeah, it might be.

I don't know.

It's in a Y number.

Well, they're dirty people, really.

Okay, let's go back to these.

We have some, I've got to call, Han Howard Glover.

I just hit the bottom of the coffee.

It's rather gritty.

All right.

How late are you usually up there, Tristan?

What's that?

How, what?

Are you like a swing shift kind of a guy?

You wake up late or you get up early kind of a guy?

Oh, no.

This whole year I've been going to bed at like 10, 10, 1030.

Oh, this is it.

Right, so get up early and go to the gym, right?

Yeah, that's it.

I've got to work on my pecs.

Pectoral muscles.

But you have legs like a woman.

I know, my legs are pretty thick.

Yeah, like a small Chinese woman.

I'm thick all over.

Thick all over.

All right.

Chode.

That's awesome.

So what was that fucking...

Speaking of being thick all over, what was that message you sent me on Skype?

It was like, it had a picture of your wife's face or something like that on it.

Oh, yeah, we were at Sexpo.

So, what is that?

It's like a sex expo in Melbourne.

So, oh, was she, how did she get in the picture?

This is what I'm not understanding.

And if she wasn't in the picture, did you do that on the fly, or?

Yeah, no, it's one of those things that you stick your head in the hole.

Oh.

Glory hole, I think they call it.

Oh, no, the glory hole is something different, where you stick your head.

blowing these guys yeah yeah exactly yeah that's right so i thought i'd share it with you yeah no

i shared it with everybody well it was a good shot yeah with that dripping off her eye and everything

yeah yeah that was amazing uh so is there like swingers and shit like that or it's just you go

to buy his sex toys something of that nature yeah there's like live shows and um live sex show oh

Oh, wow, shit.

Yeah, and then...

That's disgusting.

That is immoral and disgusting.

Yeah, well, yeah, it was...

Some people were, yeah.

Yeah, awesome.

Yeah, so you don't go ass to mouth.

No ass to mouth, but everything else is game.

Yeah, so we had that rule broken a few times.

Oh, okay.

That's amazing.

How's business?

how's the how's the uh how's the internet machines or the the internet science the business of the

internet science oh it's it's it's going along it's not not been fantastic this year but i've

been too too busy with um lifting things lifting things probably neglected work more and more

well yeah it's great to have that option you'd rather lift weights than make money that's fine

Yeah, well, you know, health, wealth

Yeah, it's all the same

Whatever

Really, it's all about time, that's all you got

That's it, so

Anyway, we're doing the prank calling now

Yeah, we're gonna do the prank calling now

I just haven't hung with you in a while

You know, see how you guys are doing

Yeah, I know

And the sex, I wanted to hear about the sex

Shitting in a bag

Hello, we're not available now

Please leave your name and phone number after the beep

All right.

Oh, I got, no, actually, I got a couple questions for you guys.

So, I have tons of shows just logged up.

I was, some of them are so old, I was contemplating on just putting them up, you know what I mean?

Essentially unedited.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Well, what do you guys think?

I don't have any problem with it.

Right, well, you're in fucking Australia.

Australia has nothing, I mean, it's essentially...

The NSA knows who you are anyway.

Yeah, right.

I mean, if they really want to catch you, they're going to catch me, so it doesn't really matter.

They've already heard it all.

Yeah, I mean, fuck, dude.

Really, you know, they're like, we got more things to deal with than some guys calling about Horsey Cat and Bancho.

Yeah, I could just see that playing out in a courtroom.

Right, exactly.

It's like, well, what happens is you ask to fuck the sister, and then they swear at you, and it's hilarious.

And they're like, get the fuck out of here.

The next guy's a rapist.

Like, we don't have time for you.

Actually, there's a great...

You could laugh when they hear these.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Well, the, I can't remember his fucking name, a guy listened to his podcast.

He was on Crank Anchors and shit, and he was the, you know, yay, that guy.

Oh, yeah.

Special Ed.

Special Ed, yeah.

Jim Florentine.

Jim Florentine, yeah.

He's got a great podcast.

But Jimmy Florentine did a show on his podcast where he talked about all of his prank call antics

and how he had the cops at his house a couple times

because he was, like, faking an abortion, you know, or something like that.

He had, like, a vacuum cleaner in the background

talking about doing an abortion on his girlfriend.

But never really got any farther than, like, a talking to with the police.

And what isn't it in Australia where they have to call, like, three or four times

or something like that? How does that work?

No, for nuisance calls.

I mean, it's like they have to have a call log for 30 days

and then all that can happen is you get phoned and told

that you get your account possibly suspended.

Oh, okay.

So, unless you're doing like a death threat or something.

Yeah, I know.

And that's just stupid.

Anybody who does that on this network is retarded.

Okay.

All right, back to the machines here.

What we got is McDonald's in Orange City, Florida, I guess.

Yes, this is just, I'm just going down the line of the numbers I have.

See if they have any Black Friday deals on.

Hello, I'm calling about the Black Friday sale.

Yeah, I'm looking for a horsey cat.

Sorry?

The horsey cat.

Oh, we don't have a sale.

Oh, why not?

No, I want my, I want my horsey cat.

Yes.

Listen, can I speak, can I speak to a man?

Because obviously you don't understand what I'm saying.

Yeah, this is the manager.

No, a man.

Oh, no, I mean, like, because a woman's brain is smaller.

Sorry?

The woman's brain is smaller, so I need to speak with a man.

Hello?

Hello. I did not want to speak with you. I need to speak with a man.

I'm sorry. I'm having trouble hearing you.

Oh, okay. Maybe you should open your fucking ears.

Hello?

What?

Maybe you should open your ears.

Who's this?

This is Brent Westwood.

Who?

I just told you who I was.

Is there a man to speak to?

A manager?

No, a man. A person with a penis.

I did not say a manager. A man.

We're calling from McDonald's Corporate.

Okay.

Basically, we're letting you know whether we're going to be doing a Black Friday sale on the Big Macs.

We're giving 50% off to all black people for Black Friday.

Thanks for jumping in there.

That was awesome.

I was, I think, I don't know if you've got headphones on or?

Can you, oh, were you having trouble hearing?

Yeah, I think it like cuts you out when they.

Oh, you know what?

That's weird.

And I don't know, I used to think that it would do that because of my internal mic,

but there's something about the way that the sound peaks through my system that cuts out my mic, basically.

Yeah, if you've got a lot of background noise, it's pretty hard.

Yeah, great. Awesome.

What was it?

All right.

We currently have 42 listeners.

That's shoutcast, both shoutcast streams.

I don't know how to look at the Mixler thing, but what does that say?

66, I think, peoples.

So we're doing pretty good.

Sometimes it's just people just have it on all the time, which is about half the time.

I think people are waking up and starting to tune in again.

Yeah, exactly.

That's what I did.

Oh, yeah.

We're getting people at work listening in across the nations.

international callings. We called Australia and we called some other place. London. Okay. So this

is, that's weird. It was just a McDonald's and then this is back to the UK. Frederick Howard,

50 Brunswick Park Road, Wendysbury, England. Oh, and it's got the postcode even. Look at that.

I'm going to steal it. I'm going to see if I can steal his information. I'm going to ask for

or identity theft?

For some reason, I don't think they're going to answer.

Alright. Okay.

Alright, well, I'm going to take a few minute break.

Baz, are you going to stick around, or what?

Yeah, I'll stick around for a little bit more.

You're sounding good. How about you, Tristan? You falling asleep

at the wheel yet? Gross.

Oh, fuck, he died. Oh, no, no, I'm here.

I was on mute. Oh, yeah, he's like,

Crocky. That happens

to me as well.

Just warming up.

Alright, great. Well, I haven't

hung up on everybody in a while.

so I'll probably do that at some point during the show.

I've gotten pretty good at the clickings.

Prank call dungeon.

So, yeah, I'm going to play a little bit of music here,

and then I'm going to go use the restroom, get some water, and make some more coffee.

So maybe like a 10-minute break.

For those of you who are just listening in, this is the Brent Westwood Show,

show 24-hour madhouse prank call black friday marathon machine uh moving on strong uh we've

had carlito we've had dialer we've had uh a lot of guys on the science show who else was on uh

their baths because you've been on over the night yeah that was on i called in for a little bit of

carlito and then um science was uh slot ice goose spray lux myself and then uh drunk phd joined us

and did some pretty good pranks.

Cool.

Yeah, it was fun.

Yeah, well, if there's any premise I can carry on, let me know.

I mean, I just have a few Best Buy numbers to try and...

Yeah, well, we had one where we called up and complained

that we tried to buy some toys like Furbies

and got home and opened up the box to make sure everything was intact

and found things like dildos inside.

Oh, yeah, I love that.

Yeah.

Well, that's how they do it.

But, you know, the loss prevention, you buy something, like a big box,

and then you just shove inside the box like a PlayStation or whatever.

Yeah.

That's how you walk out of there with, you know, thousands of dollars in merchandise.

Or you just steal it.

Just walk in there and steal it.

That's why it's under lock and key.

Yeah.

Because they don't want to tempt anybody.

Oh, excuse me.

I'm going to turn on this music in just a second.

Okay, as soon as I can find it.

All right, here.

And then I'll be back in just a minute.

Success.

Here.

You had a good shit?

Oh, yeah.

Actually, I completed a poop cycle.

I completed an intestinal cycle.

I usually, you know, it's usually a morning thing.

I like to take some time, you know, sit there maybe until my legs go numb while I'm doing my texting, you know, for the morning.

Yeah.

Et cetera.

But I had to cut it short, as it were, and I got myself a piece of pumpkin pie for breakfast.

Oh, that sounds good.

Yeah, fucking whipped cream out of the can.

I made sure and just took a hit off the top of the whipped cream first.

Oh, yeah.

A little whip it just to get the day going here.

Yeah, we got about a half a pumpkin pie in the fridge right now and a can of whipped cream.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. So what's, is there any holidays, uh, they don't do obviously Thanksgiving in Australia,

but is there anything like it? Uh, it's just, everybody gets together and eats and shit,

you know, basically for like an entire day. That's all. And they say that that's when,

uh, the pilgrims were touched by the, or the, uh, Indians and pilgrims got together.

Is there like a day where the boat arrived, you know, the jailboat arrived in Australia

and everybody celebrates it? Yeah. Yeah. Well, there's Australia day. So I guess that's

similar right we don't eat pumpkin pie though why not i don't know it's pumpkins a vegetable

well it's a melon technically but i don't yeah i don't know i just don't see it working in a pie

that's fucking delicious where can i mail you a pumpkin pie you have to send me the info

i'm gonna overnight you a pumpkin pie by the way i'm still getting your uh my those a birthday

gift or whatever oh yeah yeah it's like one a month or something yeah the year of food i didn't

realized that till after like the third or fourth one came it's all kinds of granola type shit that

they would have in like super health food stores you know uh it's good it's good for a snack and

it's interesting stuff it's a wonderful surprise surprise every month yeah exactly i like uh um

talk about my australian friend and nobody understands why i have a friend in australia

it gives you a crunchy surprise in your mouth every month yeah that's right it's kind of some

Some fucking freaky weird shit, too, but like dried pear chips that are baked, shit like that.

Sounds unique.

Yeah.

Any Vegemite?

No Vegemite yet.

All right.

So you're just tuning in.

It is 7 a.m. on the West Coast, 6.55 a.m. on the West Coast, Pacific Standard Time.

This is Dirty Aaron, also known as Brent Westwood, madhouselive.com.

24-hour Thanksgiving prank marathon.

We're taking up the morning shift, making some calls,

tried a few Best Buys.

We're going to revisit that for a little bit

to go along with the Black Friday events.

And maybe we can get Tristan to call into Best Buy

and ask for a digital wallaby or something like that.

I've got an idea.

Oh, yeah?

If a female answers.

Female, okay. Well, I'll make that happen for you right now.

This will be the numbers that Ken sent me.

We're going to move on to New York Best Buys.

So it's about 10 a.m. there. Maybe it's calming down a little bit.

They might be a little more angry than the other, whatever that other shit was,

the way we were calling. I think they were California, Northern California.

Thank you for calling Best Buy in Flushing.

For store hours, press 1.

For directions, press 2.

To speak to a sales associate, press 3.

For pricing and availability, press 1.

Thank you for calling.

I'm about to write a question.

This is Mike speaking.

How can I help you?

Yeah, hello.

Good morning.

Hi, how can I help you?

Yes, good morning.

How can I help you?

I'm looking for the horsey cat.

Do you guys have it?

The what?

Horsey cat.

Do you have a SKU number or a model number?

Oh, hold on.

I just have the SKU number.

Let me see if I can find it.

Can you just ask the machine?

Last year, we had the half alligator, shark, half man.

But this year, we're getting a horsey cat.

No, I don't understand what you're talking about.

Can you just ask the computer if you have it or not?

I can't ask the computer because I don't understand what you're asking me.

Okay, well, can we get someone of higher intelligence, higher intellect to speak with?

No, sorry, you're stuck with me right now.

Oh, I'm eating my pumpkin pie for breakfast. It's delicious.

Oh, okay, good. Enjoy that.

Okay.

He sounded kind of sassy, effeminate, man.

Yeah, he sure did.

I imagine that you can call the same best buy back, which I'm going to try and get a different person.

Well, if it's him, I'll take him.

Thank you for calling Best Buy.

An effeminate man is just like a...

For store hours, press 1.

For directions, press 2.

To speak to a sales associate, press...

For pricing and availability...

Thank you for the question.

Mike speaking.

How can I help you?

Hi, Mike.

How are you going?

Good.

How can I help you?

Oh, I was in there earlier, and it might sound a little bit strange, but actually,

I noticed you.

I just thought I'd give you a call, and I just wanted to tell you that your face is

beautiful like a flower.

Oh, thank you.

I appreciate that.

that. Enjoy your episode. A cauliflower.

Cauliflower.

Okay.

Alright, that didn't work.

Like a cauliflower.

I think it's

hilarious, and really, this is all for my

entertainment. I don't give a shit.

It looks like you were run over by a truck.

Did you just come up with that?

No, I don't know. It's like Norm Macdonald jokes.

Thank you for calling Best Buy in Rego Park.

For store hours, press 1.

For directions, press 2.

Your call is very important to us.

No, it's not.

All sales associates at this location are currently assisting other customers over the phone.

There are four or more customers ahead of you.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, what?

So why is it ringing?

To be transferred to a nearby store to speak to a sales associate about pricing and availability, press 1.

You are now being transferred to a nearby store.

Awesome.

I like this.

Thank you for calling MSI.

I'm pushing this mic speaking icon up here.

Is this mic again?

Yeah.

I was calling a different store, and they got transferred to you.

Which store were you trying to contact?

Oh, fuck.

I don't know which one it was.

I'm just calling for the horsey shark or the horsey cat.

Sorry.

I was eating my pumpkin pie.

Do you remember?

Yeah, I remember.

Then you hung up on me.

It was very rude.

Okay.

If you don't have a model number or a SKU number, I wouldn't be able to help you, unfortunately.

Okay, here.

I have a SKU number.

Do you need...

It's SKU162561.

No, it's not a SKU number.

I mean, it is a SKU number, but it doesn't work in your system.

No, it's not.

You seem very bored.

You should probably come up with something better to do than prank calls.

Thank you, though.

Excuse me.

Do not accuse me of prank calls.

Call Stilda.

You seem very bored.

I'm going to call.

I'd like to call and talk to the effeminate man.

Okay, let's try number three here.

The thing about the Walmart and shit like that.

We're calling Best Buy in Long Island City.

For store hours, press 1.

For directions, press 2.

Is there not going to swear at you?

Your call is very important to us, all sales associates.

I'd rather get somebody like this.

How can I help you?

Hello, I'm calling to see if you guys have the horsey cat.

The what?

It's a horsey cat.

It's like a digital animal that is kind of covered in fur.

Do you understand?

No.

How do you know?

Did you look it in the computer?

Pretty aware of what we have in the store and we don't carry it.

Okay, well let me speak to a man because they probably would know better than a woman about electronics.

Excuse me?

I said I'd like to speak with a man because they would know more about electronics than a woman.

Awesome.

Remember, we offer free shipping on orders $25 and up at BestBuy.com.

It doesn't get any easier than that.

See full details in-store or at BestBuy.com.

I don't think she's going to pick up.

Okay, what are we working on next?

Oh, man.

Yeah, okay.

This sucks, Baz.

Honestly, I don't like it.

Yeah, it's not my call.

Yeah, I know.

I agree.

Okay.

I'm only good for maybe like one more call.

Can I take a Black Friday call?

Oh, you want to do a Black Friday Best Buy call?

David Snodwell.

Been up for many hours.

Yep, and about ready to pass out.

Absolutely.

You sound pretty good for pass out, because usually when Ken starts to pass out, he goes,

Oh, fuck yeah.

Yep.

Yeah, let me get back on the Skype machine here.

A number that Ken actually sent me.

Let's go to the, this one is a fresh one here.

I got a laugh out of that last one.

She sounded big.

Oh, we got to bring back the big, whatever her name is, big whatever, big girl.

Thank you for calling Best Buy on Fordham Road.

For store hours, press 1.

For direct pricing and availability, your call is very important to us.

All sales associates at this location are currently assisting other customers over the phone.

There are two customers ahead of you.

yeah so we're gonna that's how we got transferred back to the effeminate man

so here i'll go to the okay 917 that's got to be in a different place thank you for calling

best buy on 86th and lexington for store hours press one for directions press two to speak to

your call is very important to us all sales associates at this location are currently

assisting other customers over the phone there are three customers ahead of you

We may not be able to help you beat the holiday rush, but we can offer our low-price guarantee.

We know price is important all year, but it's especially important around the holidays.

Relax, knowing that if you find a lower price on qualifying products, we'll match it with our low-price guarantee.

You can find full details on our low-price guarantee in-store or online at BestBuy.com.

Okay, moving on to the next one.

Everyone can want to do a call, but the Best Buy is not, they're not responding.

I was thinking we could do, we need Banchute, we need numbers in London, Indian Restaurant, because...

Thank you for calling Best Buy on 62nd and Broadway.

For store hours, press 1.

For directions, press 2.

To speak to a sales associate, press 3.

For pricing and availability, press 1.

You on this one, Baz?

Yeah.

What the fuck, another pick up and hang up?

They did.

God damn it.

That's what happened the last time.

Shit.

Okay.

That sucks.

Look, we'll try another one.

Yes, here they come.

Way to go, Tristan.

Thank you for calling Best Buy and Downy.

For four hours, press 1.

For directions, press 2.

To speak to a sales associate, press 3.

For Geek Squad service, for pricing and availability, press 1.

For questions...

Your call is very important to us.

All sales associates at this location are currently assisting other customers over the phone.

Go to the next location.

There is one customer ahead of you.

Only one?

That's better than two or three.

Yeah.

Well, it'll ask if I want to be attracted.

We may not be able to help you beat the holiday rush, but we can offer our low-price guarantee.

We know price is important all year, but it's especially important around the holidays.

Relax, knowing that if you find a lower price on qualifying products, we'll match it with our low-price guarantee.

You can find full details on our low-price guarantee in-store or online at BestBuy.com.

They're actually pretty good, too.

They might not be open.

What is it?

8 o'clock, 3 in the afternoon.

Yeah, I wonder if they're, you know, like the Australian ones,

they're closed between like 2 and 6 or something like that.

Yeah, that was the Star of India.

Well, yeah, what is it where I'm GMT, or minus 8 GMT, so it's...

That's like 3 p.m. there.

Yeah.

How about the Indian Flavors?

Yeah, this is Indian Flavors.

Click.

What's happening?

Hello?

Hey, Indian Flavors.

Yeah?

Yes, I would like to possibly make an order for takeaway.

Yeah, for delivery or pickup?

Pickup, please.

I will collect it.

Indian flavor, close now.

Oh, when do you open?

No, no open.

For only club open, okay?

For when?

No, no restaurant, okay?

No food whatsoever?

No food, no food.

Can I come over and fuck your sister a little bit then?

Sorry?

Can I come over and fuck your sister a little bit, if you have no food?

And maybe milk her titties so I can make my own paneer?

And then you and I, we could eat the paneer together.

What?

And then you and I, we can kiss.

I'll fuck you.

Eat the paneer.

Thank you.

Jesus Christ.

Okay.

Well, at least I got to fuck you out of there.

You got to fuck you out of it.

All right.

You got an angry hand.

And with that, gentlemen, I'm going to retire.

All right.

Thank you very much, guys.

All right.

Good night.

Yeah, we'll catch y'all later.

Good to talk to you, Tristan.

You too.

Sweet dreams.

Yeah, good morrow, honey.

Good morrow.

Love you.

All right.

Oh, that guy's still on the line.

Fuck.

All right.

So that was Indian flavors.

Now we're going to call Dawat.

Yeah, I'm going through them, and I'm seeing, like, a lot of them are from 12 to 3, and

then 6 to 11.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Well, they got to get up.

A lot of it is...

Yeah, hello.

Can you hear me?

Oh, okay.

Okay, I'd like to just pick an order for takeaway.

Okay.

One order of papadums.

One papadum.

Yeah, yeah.

And then one chicken tandoori.

Whole chicken tandoori, yeah.

Yeah.

And then also one order of bhenchod.

One order of?

Bhenchod.

Lamsaag.

No, marachod.

Sorry?

Marachod, your sister.

Can I order your sister?

Sorry?

Can I order your sister?

Try them out, just to know.

Marachod.

Bhenchod.

He was hearing you and swearing back in whatever fucking language.

All right, we got loud again.

All right, this is the India, UK, Banchute Calls, Black Friday, Marathon.

Pace with the Indians.

Yeah.

Hello.

Hello, this is a man and I am speaking.

Can you hear me?

Yeah, I can hear you.

Okay, great.

I'd like to make an order for takeaway.

away? Unfortunately, it's closed now. Oh, can I have it at 5? Yeah, it's a big order. We open at

5.30, sir. Okay, well, can I just come at 5.30? Can I make the order now? Yeah, sure. Sounds pretty

loud in there for being closed. Is it a special party today for Black Friday? Sorry? Are you

having a special Indian party? Well, we have some special dishes, but there is no special deal or

anything like this oh okay i understand well can i just make an order to pick up at 5 30.

yeah no problem all right you ready yeah i'm ready i would like one order of papadums

one one garlic naan just just just one some papadum yeah uh garlic naan

and a chicken tandoori tandoori chicken yeah yeah main course and then one order of bancho

One order of bhenchod.

Excuse me?

One order of bhenchod.

And then one order of marachot.

Sorry?

Can your sister come in front of me, you owl?

He's heard that one before.

Eight, five, five.

Sound pretty busy.

Yeah, what the fuck?

It's loud in there.

I hate that.

Over this one?

Yeah, alright.

This is a passage of India.

Passage of India.

I just passed an Indian.

No answer, obviously.

Raj Palas.

Call the K-Lord.

How you going there?

This is Joe American.

Yeah, I was wondering if I could make a booking for a table.

When would you like to book?

This afternoon, about 6 p.m.

Yeah, for today, I got about four of my friends.

We're dressed as cowboys.

Okay, so six people, four people, yeah?

Six o'clock.

Yeah, four people, six o'clock.

We're going to have a cowboy and Indian party.

Okay.

Now, I just wonder with payment,

are you okay if we pay you with beads?

beads we want to pay you with beads you can do an exchange you know i give you beads you give me

your woman uh fuck your sister okay oh my god i had to fucking cover my mouth i was laughing

because it's pure hilarity when uh your american accent is almost as good as your british accent

which is mostly terrible but hilarious to me yeah that's pretty bad uh that's great that was funny

Funny to me, and really, that's all that matters.

Fuck everybody else.

Okay, that was 700 there.

So that was Raj Palace.

We're going on to the Goofah.

Go ahead and grab this one again.

Let's see what the fuck.

Where's the Cobra?

Is he on yet?

Oh, invalid number.

All right, fine.

Goffa.

Okay, we're going to go to Spiceland.

It's kind of like Iceland, but covered in curry.

Is that Spiceland?

How are you going?

My name is Joe.

Joe Merrick.

Okay.

Yeah, I was wondering, you got the Palau rice there?

Yeah, yeah, we have Palau rice, yeah.

Alright, I'd like to get two orders of the Palau rice with the butter chicken.

Chicken curry with the...

Yeah, that sounds super duper.

Alright, now, I'm going to become...

You like chicken curry for supper?

Yeah, whatever.

How can you like?

Yeah, that's right.

And I'd like to pay for that with beads, anal beads, that I'm going to use on your sister.

Yes, sir.

And I can fuck your sister.

You understand?

Hey, are you a... Yes, is this Mr. Mada Chode?

How are you doing, Mr. Mada Chode?

My name is Soul American.

Which order?

Yes, I would like to pay for my food with some anal beads,

which I'm going to use on your sister.

I want your sister to come in front of me.

Sorry, boss.

Your sister.

That's chicken curry, eh?

Yes, and your sister.

I don't understand about that.

Okay, I am going to fuck your sister.

Yeah, you are Bhenchod.

Okay.

Yes, you are a mother, Joe?

I don't know.

Right then, this isn't really going anywhere.

Hello, sir.

Hello, do you speak English?

Okay, can I?

I want to make sex.

Make sex in your mom, in your mother, with my dick, in her sex.

I'll come in the shop and come in your mother.

Yes, and then I want you to come in front of me.

The shop, which food do you like?

I'll give you, I'll make it.

Okay, you're a stupid fuck.

Do you understand stupid?

Stupid.

You are stupid.

Oh, because you're the stupid dishwasher.

Put down the phone.

Can you say vagina?

Damn it.

Fucker.

All right, that didn't work.

This is Spice Land.

He didn't speak English.

He didn't even speak Australian English.

Oh, he didn't speak American English.

Yeah, Tamarand.

Yeah, this is the Tamarand.

Yeah, it did sound Italian.

Pactus, that's right.

Thank you for calling, Tamarine. How may I help you?

Hello.

How can I help you?

Sorry, who am I speaking with?

You're speaking to Enrica, receptionist.

Oh, Enrica, that's right. So you work at the front, that's...

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and I was in there before.

I was the man with the blonde hair and the monocle, if you noticed me walk past.

No.

I kind of waved at you before.

You have?

Yeah, yeah, I was there probably about half an hour ago, I walked past.

You didn't see me there?

No.

I was in the suede jacket.

Oh, no, I just wanted to let you know that I thought you had the face of a flower,

a beautiful flower, cauliflower.

Thank you.

You're more than welcome.

Anything else I can help you with?

What time do you finish work?

Five o'clock.

Would you like to go for a drink?

I don't really know who I'm speaking to.

It's Mike.

It's Mark.

Yes, Mark.

Mark doesn't really ring a bell for me.

Monocle Mark.

I've got the blonde hair and the suede jacket.

We can go for a drink afterwards and then do some vaginal fisting.

And what, sorry?

Vaginal fisting.

Sorry, you're cutting off there.

Some vaginal fisting.

Yeah, I'm not really sure because I'm not like...

You'll enjoy it, trust me.

I'm very gentle.

I wouldn't...

No, thank you.

Are you sure?

I can spit first.

Okay, that's very great.

I promise, it won't hurt.

No, no, thank you.

All right.

Bye, honey.

I love you.

Okay.

No, no, it won't hurt.

I don't know what that was, but it was awesome.

She just sounded, like, really unsure or scared, probably.

Yeah, no, I would be scared, too.

The blonde in the suede jacket, like, I'm already afraid.

All right, that was the tamarin.

That must be, like, a hotel or something.

Yeah.

She wasn't down for me spitting on my fist.

No, she wanted it in dry.

eye. That's what it seemed like to me.

Oh, we got a busy in the Punjab.

I'm regrowing my beard. It's fucking

itching on my headset.

I can't grow a beard.

No? No, I mean, I could. I just look

weird. Well, you know, it's...

Some people just... I have a gift of beard.

Well, I'm tall, so if I have

a beard, I'd look like Hagrid.

Oh, Mr. Potter.

You look like Gandalf.

Yes.

I'd be

up for that.

You think she'd be down with the Gandalf? Possibly.

It's all about...

the ring where the ring belongs all right okay let's move back to my numbers machine here these

are all uh recopy them and post them in the skype chat between you and i oh no shit delete what

okay so we called the mcdonald's okay this is frederick howard uh this is back to the uk just

What the hell?

Frederick. Where is Frederick?

There it is. It's just a wind-up call.

Hello? Hello, I'd like to make an order

for pickup. I'd like one tandoori

chicken, one order of

papadums, and one order of

garlic naan. Hello? I think

you've got the wrong number. Oh,

I'm sorry. No, she's

right back up. That took a while.

Yeah, she just

waited for me to finish. Hello,

I'm sorry, the woman I spoke with on the

phone hung up on me? Yeah.

Is that you?

Yeah, what would you like?

Yeah, I would like to make an order.

What for?

For food.

You've got the wrong number.

Oh, I'm sorry, is this not the restaurant?

No.

Oh, what is this place then?

You've got the wrong number.

It's a personal residence?

She's not forthcoming.

I know, just tell me.

Tell me who you are.

Hello?

Hello, can you just tell me who you are so I can make her understand why I'm...

No, can you start phoning back?

No, listen, you sound Australian.

Why are you answering the phone?

I think she said call back.

She did sound Australian, didn't she?

Yeah.

Whoa.

That was nice.

Oh, fucking A, that is.

That woke me up.

Like you're already out of shit.

I haven't.

That's funny.

All right.

William Baird.

She just screamed into the phone.

Oh, fuck.

Hello, we are not available now.

Okay. This will be William Barnett.

Hello, this is the Barnett residence.

Calling, please.

Yeah, this is Mr. Westwood.

From who?

From America, the greatest country in the world.

What do you want?

I would like to speak to William.

What about?

About the special deal that we have going on.

It's actually business between men, not for women's ears.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Yes.

Just hold on, man.

I'll maybe want to speak to you.

Oh, thank you.

Hurry up.

That was good of her.

Yeah, good.

She's a good woman for listening to the man.

Yes, good morning, William.

Or good tomorrow, sir.

How are you?

How are you, Oscar?

I just wanted to give you a nice call

and talk about the business that we discussed earlier,

the business between men.

I did not want your wife to hear about the order that you placed.

I've never spoken to anybody in America for years.

No, no, no, it's not, it's just that it was an order that was placed online in your name

for the 73 black horse dildos, horse penises.

No, it wasn't you?

No.

Well, but it was placed in your name.

Well, nothing ordered by me, I can assure you, in America.

Okay, well, right, but it's going to be sent, the whole order is for Arwarni Street, Dundee, Scotland.

Sorry?

Is that you?

Yeah, again?

again? For our Downey

Street, Dundee, Scotland.

What is this for? This is for 73

horse dildos. Horse penis.

Horse dick. Horses?

Horse dick. What's that?

What's that? A horse dick?

A cock? Get off the

line. A horse cock.

Get off the line. A horse cock.

Give me your number so I

can get this traced. Okay, you want

my number? This is a pornography.

This is... Nothing more or less.

73 horse cock

get off the lane

73 horse cock

hello

pick up the phone again

hello

we're still on the lawn

awesome

I didn't realize it was Scotland

until I looked down and saw the address

oh that's amazing

cock I guess is what they say

in Scotland

it's pornography

so is that Sambo

in your avatar there

Actually, Little Black Sambo is Indian.

Oh, right.

I didn't realize that until I Wikipedia'd it.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, that was William Barnett.

Let's call William back.

He sounded like he was game.

You should call back as a supervisor.

Hello, this is the supervisor for the horse pox department.

I'm getting the police on to you, folks.

Listen, we need...

No, no, no.

Shut up.

Listen to me, listen to me.

Listen to what I'm saying.

This is important.

important. Nothing important from this

address. You've already been charged.

Your credit card has been charged for horse cock.

Now we need to clear this up. I get anything off my

credit card. You don't

know its number. We need to clear it

immediately. Right. What is the number

of my credit card? We cannot

give you that information for privacy reasons.

Now you've ordered 72 horse cocks.

What is the number of your

card you're going to charge? They're being shipped out today.

They're being shipped out today, sir.

72 horse cocks. What has you

charged my credit card?

We have charged you for $2,483 U.S. dollars.

$2,483.

That is correct for your horse cops.

If there's anything taken off my account, the police will be on you.

Listen, do you have Alzheimer's?

Can you give me your name, your address, and how the police can contact you?

Yes, my name is Mike.

Mike what?

Hunt.

Hunt, yes.

Yes.

H-U-N-T.

Yes.

And the address?

Yes, 63...

63?

Horscock Lane.

Now, you'll be getting your horsecocks tomorrow.

That is not an address, sir.

Yes, and you'll need to sign for them, each one individually.

You tell me what number you've taken that money off.

Look, look, you tell me what number you've taken that money off.

It was off your credit card, sir.

You placed the order online for the 72 horsecocks.

Now, you'll need to sign for these ones individually.

They will be delivered one at a time.

Get stuff!

Throughout the day.

Get stuff!

Now, we're going to be sending them with three different courier companies.

All right.

That was awesome.

I think that was a good choice to call that man back.

We'll let his blood pressure lower a little bit.

Well, they get angry when they talk about money and scots.

Oh, yeah, because they're all cheap fucks, yeah?

And Scrooge, yeah.

What's that, duck?

Scrooge the duck.

6-2-3, Trevor Williams, Stoke-on-Trent.

Hello, your call cannot be taken at the moment, so please leave your message after the tone.

Shit.

Horsey cat.

Okay, here.

What about the, uh, alright, that was 7-6-2-3, Stoke-on-Trent.

Let me find that right here.

Okay, Beverly Williams.

Hello, Mrs. Williams.

Mrs. Williams, Mrs. Williams?

It says Mrs. Williams, yeah.

Beverly, how are you?

Good.

Oh, nice to hear.

Here, okay, this is Brent Westwood calling from the horse cock delivery department.

We will be having a courier sent with your box of 24 horse cocks.

Should be sent to your address, should be there maybe by Monday, Tuesday.

Are you ready for this shipment?

Yes, Medicare.

Well, no, actually they're built in Afghanistan of high quality rubber.

And each one is loaded with one shot of semen.

And so once you're done with it, you just throw it away for a full natural feeling.

We're just going down the list of the orders that were made.

It was a special Black Friday sale for horse cocks.

They were 50% off and free shipping.

So we're calling all of our orders to make sure that they're going to be delivered.

Proper receiving, do you understand?

Are you understanding what I'm saying, ma'am?

We have it down here.

Williams, 7 Campbell Avenue, Stoke-on-Trent.

Is that correct?

What is it for?

For horse penis.

Penis.

Horse cocks.

It's like a rubber horse cock.

Oh, it's a police officer's house?

Yes.

What's your badge number?

Never mind my badge number, mate.

Okay, well, that's...

You never phoned this house again.

Oh, a police officer's threatening me.

Where should I report you to, sir?

Where do you want?

Here's the understand.

Keep talking to me while we're tracing it.

Here's the understand.

Do you still want the horse cocks or not?

Yeah, do you still want the horse cocks?

Listen, we're not...

We have an order for 24 horse cocks.

Two cases, 50% off, free shipping.

Do you understand?

What are we going to hear?

He wants to order more horse cocks.

Hello?

He's used the tracer machine.

So what?

I hope they call me back.

Consequences.

Yeah.

Okay.

This is Peppin.

She actually did call the police.

That's amazing.

But for some reason, that doesn't bother me at all.

Yeah, because what are they going to do?

Oh, let's take the report.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, okay.

Take the 24 horse cocks.

They ordered them.

Here's the confirmation number.

Here's the address.

dress and then if they well if they start asking for information just like oh yeah no i'm sorry

that's not real i can't give you that information sir without a search warrant okay all right you

hanging in there all right buddy yeah what is it 1 a.m ish i'm waiting for um imposter crow to wake

up what time is it now i don't know why isn't it's it's almost eight i'm not gonna know what

his fucking deal is dude he is not awake yet and i don't like that all right that was beverly

williams linda roberts also stoke-on-trance see if she wants some horse cock it's well the theme

the theme has always been horse oriented really around thanksgiving hello is this is roberts

residence linda oh he just hung right up i like the guy whenever i call him he goes i fucking hate

8 Americans.

Hello.

Roberts residence.

Okay.

He must not like Americans.

Let's call him back.

I'll just yell horse cock.

What's his name?

It's just Linda Roberts is the name.

I can see if he likes Australians.

Oh, okay.

779 Lightwood Road, Stoke-on-Trent.

It's not picking up.

It's not working.

Oh.

Donald Gordon.

That's formatted wrong.

James B. James.

4-6 Old Field Road.

His name is James James.

Yes.

I think he wants to speak with you, sir.

Jimmy James.

Jimmy Jimmy.

So many awesome names.

They're like Richard Richardson.

Rich.

Dick Dick.

Hello?

Oh, hey, how you going?

I was just wondering, is James around?

Because he told me to give him a call.

Sorry?

James told me to give him a call.

It's funny if he's around.

No, he's not.

Oh, do you know when he'll be back in?

Wow, that's rude.

Yeah.

Maybe that's his surname, and maybe it's like James and James.

Hmm.

Very fucking interesting.

All right.

Yeah, it's a little bit of a different scene here in the, uh, it's a, it's a, it's a big

shift for me to be doing a morning show because, well, it's the morning, and so my usual time

zones and who I usually call, like, uh, aren't available, but, uh, we're pressing forward

anyway.

Um, trying to get a hold of anybody in the UK that'll pick up, talk about some horse

Horsecocks, which has turned out to be funny.

Action required your subscription, blah, blah, blah.

Okay, I know what's happening.

Okay.

All right, so if you're just tuning in,

this is the Brent Westwood Show on the 24-hour prank call marathon live network machines.

On the line we have Bruce Southwood.

Yep.

Um, and, uh, myself, Brent Westwood, we're, we're cousins, so it's fine.

Have you been using the, uh, Bruce Southwood Facebook page much?

Oh, no, not really, but, um, you know, and it's all right if cousins have sex.

Yeah.

That's fine.

Well, in Australia, well, yeah, it was, there's somewhere, second cousin, like, after that

is legal, is that, is that Australia or Alabama?

I can't remember.

I think first cousin's legal.

Yeah, why not?

Yeah.

As long as you don't have a baby.

Yeah.

So good.

All right.

So we've got Rose James.

Rose James.

You see him there?

Yeah, I'm seeing she's an old lady.

Must be.

An old woman.

That's right.

Yeah, you're following along well, sir.

Like me an old woman?

Who doesn't?

I used to have a roommate that claimed out sex with an 84-year-old woman.

About breaking their hip or something.

She's a sick fuck, obviously.

They suck and take their teeth out.

Hello.

You're not available now.

Please read your name.

All right.

Andrew Cooper.

Get off the line.

He got wound up.

Yeah, he did get wound up.

That was awesome.

Oh, let's see here.

Lonesome, something about plus five, seven dial two, then enter apartment number.

Okay.

Oh, that's in Columbia.

I'm not going to call Columbia.

Oh, okay.

Lots of numbers there.

We will move on back to these numbers.

Here we go.

This is, oh, Guam.

We got some Guam.

That'll work.

What time is it in Guam?

Oh, like probably 3 a.m.

Oh, no, no, no.

Guam is actually in the same fucking time zone as Australia.

Yeah, it's probably 3 a.m. here.

Oh, right, right.

Sorry, I forgot.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Maybe the military base would be open.

So no restaurants, you think, huh?

No Outback Steakhouse in Guam?

No, unless they're making a really early morning steak.

These are all restaurants in Australia.

These are fucking excellent numbers.

I wish I...

Oh, here we go.

Some more England, English people.

people uh what's that okay got him there boom yeah i got no problem when i got numbers i'll

make calls all night long it gets you know it's no fun so this is uh this is uh push a pick can

uh i don't know what this is actually it's in it's in washington yeah i don't i can't even

fucking read what the fuck that is whatever we'll just talk to them maybe they're bansheeds

Patel. Hello? Yeah, is this the man? Pusha Pekan? This is Brant Westwood. Are you the Banchude? Are you the Banchude? Must be a Banchude.

At least like residentials.

It must be, yeah.

Oh, okay.

Well, yeah, this is in East Seattle.

Hello, I spoke with a man a moment ago, and we got...

I got disconnected. Okay.

What is the matter, sir? I don't understand.

Call the order of flowers, and you hang up on me.

Everybody, you know, it seems like everybody I speak with has a phone recorder.

That was the first time, though, when we called the people, the London people, that I've actually had them call.

And there was what sounded like a legitimate trace.

Oh, I think he was just, like, pressing buttons.

He very well could have done that as well.

I don't know.

So this is Mike and Varsha Mayer-Patel.

Mike Varsha.

I don't know.

What is that?

Varsha.

I am your Varsha.

Varsha.

Hello.

Hello? Varsha?

No, hello. Don't hang up.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Five, zero.

Right, but you've got to see the date on these.

Oh, okay.

They're just old. They're leftovers.

Mellon.

09-443-58.

Right. Richard Mellon.

You want to have a go with Richard Mellon?

Is this... Who did you just call then?

You didn't just call Richard Mellon?

No, I called that Varsha number back.

Oh, okay.

The 509.

That's the area code I went to high school in.

I went to high school for two years, Tristan.

Did you?

Yeah.

That's fair of it.

I got kicked out for drug abuse, sir.

Steroids.

Well, yeah, it was aspirin, actually.

I was addicted to low-dose aspirin.

Scrawning it out, smoking it.

Yeah.

Richard Mellon.

Richard Mellon doesn't answer his phone.

No, actually, it didn't even go through.

It was just, I was on waiting, waiting, waiting.

The Skype is slowing down.

Well, actually, it's probably not Skype.

Oh, here we go.

Richard Mellon.

I don't have the problems of Skype that Carlito has for some reason.

Hello?

Hey, Richard.

How are you going?

Good to see you.

How are you going?

It's Peter.

I'm just calling about the order you placed with us yesterday.

What is that?

Just the order you placed online,

just letting you know that we've processed that on your credit card

and we're going to be delivering it Monday or Tuesday.

Just make sure someone's home to sign for it.

What is it?

It's 32 horse cocks.

No.

Yes, it was ordered to 40 West Road, Lancaster, England.

They're coming from Australia.

No, they've got it on the number, mate, if you've got that address.

It's not Richard Mellon.

Mellon?

Richard Mellon is the order.

Mellon?

Yeah, Mellon, yes.

No, not Mellon.

Your last name's not Mellon?

No.

Do you go by Dick Mellon?

No.

I'm sorry, this is the supervisor.

It's Nolan.

Excuse me, we're on to the next one.

Sorry, Richard Nolan.

Yeah.

I was reading the wrong number here.

So you're 17, Brentley, Crez, Morecambe, England.

Yeah, what have we ordered?

Yeah, sorry, that's what I addressed.

Yeah, no, you put an order through yesterday for 32 horse cocks.

They're going to be shipped...

32 what?

Horse cocks.

They're getting sent directly...

Horse cocks?

Yes, they're getting sent directly from Western Australia.

No, nothing new, mate.

They've already charged you a credit card, though, already.

Well, you better get it back then, mate,

because somebody's ordered that and I haven't.

Well, are you sure?

Maybe your wife ordered them.

I'm positive, mate, because there was a record here yesterday.

Well, is it possible that your wife ordered them?

No, nobody.

Because it's just under your name and your address, your credit card details.

Somebody's got it somewhere, mate.

I've not ordered anything like that.

Well, look, they've already gone through a dispatch.

So when they arrive, if you could just send them back to us in Western Australia,

we'll be able to process a refund for you.

Yeah, well, I don't know where that's come from, mate.

All right, so it's 32 horse cocks, just so we're clear,

so you know where they are when they arrive.

Horse cocks?

Yeah, horse cocks.

What the fuck are they?

Well, you know how you eat horse meat,

and we've been selling that for most of the time.

No, it's not me, mate.

It's actually the horse penis, the Asian penis.

No, it's not me, mate.

For virility.

It's a wind-up, mate.

No, no, they actually eat them.

Well, I don't want one, mate, and I've not ordered them.

Well, you've ordered 32 horse cocks.

I haven't ordered anything, mate.

I've told you, I've been at work yesterday, all day.

Well, I'm sorry, I'm just letting you know that we've already dispatched them,

so they will arrive on your doorstep.

You'll be able to trace them and send them back somewhere,

and three for my money, I'm not sure I'll pay for them.

Yeah, well, it's actually $2,000 worth of horse cogs.

$2,000?

Yeah, $2,000.

You're winding them up there, aren't you?

No, I'm not winding up.

There's 32 of them, and they're a decent size.

Well, at least they didn't order anything, so you'd better stop that.

We've put it in my account.

Well, as I said, I can't actually stop that.

When they arrive, what you're going to have to do is take them out of the box

and repackage them in ice.

It's not a wind-up.

It's not that hard.

No, it's not a wind-up.

This is serious business because these are expensive horse cogs.

And I'll tell you what, I haven't disclosed anything on my credit card.

Yeah, okay.

Well, that's what you're saying.

Maybe you got drunk last night and you thought it was a laugh.

Listen, mate, don't tell me what I did.

I went to work yesterday.

Maybe you've got Alzheimer's or something and you forgot,

but you've obviously made this work for horse cocks.

No, it's not.

But what we need you to do is repackage them in ice.

I'm not repackaging anything, mate.

So take out the horse cocks out of the things and just put them into ice.

Listen, if you take the money out of my account, I'll be doing it.

Well, you could sue us if you like, but you placed the order for the horse cocks.

I haven't placed anything, mate.

I wasn't even here yesterday.

I was at work all day.

I've got the order right here.

It says Richard Martin 32 horse cock.

But obviously somebody sent you my email stuff.

I'm the one who ordered it.

Well, you know, I don't really know what you're going to have to do here.

I'll put you through to my supervisor.

He might be able to deal with it.

Yeah, you please do.

Brent, can you please take this call?

Yes.

Hello, sir.

I've been monitoring the call.

I'm sorry.

Let me make sure I have it.

I haven't touched anything like that, mate.

Oh, I'm the supervisor.

Somebody got my details from somewhere and ordered it.

Can you just shut up for a second while I'm trying to get this worked out, okay?

I just need to verify who I'm speaking with.

Is this Richard Nolan?

Speaking, yeah.

And then I'll just give the postcode because I don't like to give out too much information.

LA32BT, is that correct?

That's correct, yeah.

Oh, okay.

All right, sir.

Somebody's obviously got my details, mate.

Yeah, no, I have your information here.

We have an order.

I mean, it's clearly...

I know you have, but somebody's already ordered it on my behalf, and I haven't ordered anything.

Oh.

It's due to check money out of my account.

Well, I'm not sure, you know, we don't need to make any threats, sir.

I mean, you know.

I'm not making any threats.

This call's being recorded.

You're getting awful.

$2,000 out of my account, you just told me.

Right, yeah, you're getting very threatening tone with me, and I'm just, you know.

Well, yeah, because wouldn't you?

It's $2,000, right?

Well, you know, really, so here's the thing is that we hear this a lot, honestly, because

we, I mean, we're in the business of selling dildos.

I understand it.

We're in the business of selling large dildos and this sort of thing.

A lot of people, it's horsefuckers.com, but a lot of people, you know, they deny ordering it.

You know what I mean?

They don't want to talk about it.

It's private matter, and we understand.

Well, I understand that, Mike.

But listen, I will order anything.

Here's what I'm going to need you to do.

There's a code that you enter in the telephone to cancel the order.

and so I'll give you that code after I have a series of questions

and then we'll get through this.

Okay, sir?

As far as I know, there's been...

Is this a wind-up, mate, or not?

There's no wind-up.

I'm not sure what you're speaking of.

Well, I'm appalled that for such an amount of money

that I haven't even verified that, so my...

There's no money has been exchanged, sir.

That's why we make...

See, what happens sometimes...

I haven't dispatched anything, sir.

Sir, you're rambling on about the, you're rambling on about the, you're not listening.

Can you just shut up for a second?

All right?

Richard, do they, can I come?

You just told me you dispatched it.

Oh, okay.

So it is dispatched then.

I'm sorry.

I'm just, I'm just going by the information.

That's what I'm saying.

Right.

Well, I guess, you know, you can just make a return label, you know, on our website and

then.

I won't bother about the horse cocks there, yeah?

You're not bothered by the horse cocks?

Oh, so you do want the horse cocks, but you want them for free?

No, I said I want my money back.

Oh, okay.

Because I haven't ordered anything.

Okay, well, I'm not sure what to do here, sir.

You're just going to have to wait for them to come in the mail and then send them back.

No, this must be a wind-up, mate.

And I'll get you, we'll get you a refund as long as you return our products unused.

We get a lot of this, sir, where people...

Well, if you get a lot of it, you must check them, mate, because I haven't ordered anything.

That's why we're calling.

And I've not released any funds of that amount to anybody.

That's why we're calling to make sure that this is a credible order.

It's not a credible order, is it?

Apparently not, sir.

Well, obviously not.

So the computer already sent out the order, so there's not a lot we can do.

Without my authorization.

We could offer you possibly a refund of maybe 50% if you're unhappy with the product.

I don't want anything coming to my door, mate, and I won't be in because we're working all the time.

You'll be able to keep the horse cocks.

It's what I'm saying to you.

I work.

Yeah, we need someone to sign for them, so if we can send them...

Can we send them to your work?

Can we get your work address?

No.

Because then we can just send it there.

If you're going to be at work, you can sign for them at work.

No, no, no, no.

What if you're a receptionist?

Could she sign for them or something?

No, nobody.

I don't have a receptionist, anything.

I work for the government.

Okay.

Maybe there's someone you could speak to in the office then that could work for...

If you've got a check on that, you can stop that order.

Well, but, I mean, we really have...

Well, no, you can just say it by sending it.

We've gone over a holiday.

You know, the company that I'm based in is in America.

We've just gone over the holiday.

Well, what holiday?

The Thanksgiving holiday where...

Right, well, it's in the house used to be.

Black Friday event.

So we must have got my details.

Well, what it was is that what we can do is we can discount the order 50% now.

I don't want anything discounted.

Because it's Black Friday.

You know, we have lots of sales.

Well, you might do, but what I want to say to you,

you've said to me, I've had a meditation order yesterday,

where I can tell you I was at work all day yesterday.

Well, look, how do you know that you don't want them if you haven't tried them?

You're more than welcome to try one.

I'm telling you now.

Take one out, and if you're unhappy with the product,

you're more than welcome to send it back for a full refund.

Yeah, this is some of our...

You might actually enjoy it.

Yeah, this is some of our best products, sir.

They come preloaded.

They come preloaded with...

If I want something, I will order it.

They come preloaded with warm semen,

so that at the end you can just squeeze the end

and it will ejaculate inside of you for a natural feeling.

There's about 11 ounces of semen in each one.

that's all right.

This is a wind-up, isn't it?

There's no wind-up here, sir.

We're just trying to explain the product to you

so you understand the value that you're getting, you're receiving,

with our high quality.

I'm not receiving anything, mate, because there won't be anybody here to receive it.

Well, no, what you do is that the way you receive it

is that you put it in your anus and you pump it

and then you squeeze the ball and then it will ejaculate for the horse cost.

If you've got a problem with the size, you also will be sent three of the Ponycocks for Black Friday.

That's our special deal.

You can start with the Ponycock.

What's your company?

Horsefucker.com.

Right.

And where are you based?

We're based in Dearborn, Michigan.

Well, you just told me from Australia.

No, he's from Australia.

Who is?

The man on the line.

Yeah, the Horsecocks are dispatched from Western Australia.

Right.

We're international business machines doing business as Horsefucker.com.

Right.

You better come for my order, don't you?

What?

You better come for it.

Come for what?

Come for it.

My order.

No.

I've ordered such a thing.

You have?

I haven't.

Well, here's what you can do.

You just get it in the mail.

You pull one out.

You try it on yourself or maybe your wife there.

And if you're into women or if you're into, obviously, you're into horses.

We understand you like the horse.

Horse.

No.

Pony.

Goodbye.

Okay.

Pony.

Sir.

Horse.

Okay.

That goes a bit dim.

Yeah, no, that went well, though.

Speaking of...

You just didn't even get it, even with the Ponycocks.

No, Pony, that was fucking brilliant, dude.

You can start with the Ponycock.

Oh, 3-6, that guy stayed on forever.

All right, David Richardson, moving on for the Ponycocks.

As long as we keep up the horse theme,

I think that we're in keeping with the holiday tradition over here.

Hello, hello, is this David Richardson?

No, Colin.

Oh, okay.

Okay, this is Brant Westwood calling, calling for the order confirmation for your order to be made for delivery.

He's not in at the moment. It wouldn't be too long if you want to ring back in half an hour.

Oh, okay. Well, I'm just calling about the order of the horse cocks.

It was buy one, get one free sale for Black Friday in America.

Right, I'm not sure about his purchase, sorry.

And then so, well, I just want to make sure, somebody just needs to be there to sign,

so I just need to make sure that that's going to be ordered.

It was two cases, 24 horse cocks.

They're all 16 inches long and 3 inches wide, ready to be delivered.

Are you ready to receive them?

No.

Okay. Are you more interested in the pony cocks?

No.

The horse?

No.

Okay. Well, someone will be there to sign to receive this.

We've already got the funds.

We just need to make a confirmation.

Well, who am I speaking with?

I don't want to share any information.

No, no, no, no.

I like this premise of the online order.

Yeah, the online order always works.

Well, the online order, or if you start talking about money,

people just want to make sure that they're not going to get charged.

Well, there was the one guy, one of my favorite ones,

and I was like, we've charged you for those charges on your card.

And he's like, I lost my debit card yesterday.

That was fucking amazing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He ordered the horse cocks.

Definitely horse cock order.

Okay, so the last number I called was the 369, which was...

Let me scroll up here.

Yeah, you just got to find something that works.

It only took us three hours, but we figured it out.

William H. Agnew, Morecom, England.

Horse.

Cat.

Horse.

Horse cat.

Or just horse.

We used to do the pony thing.

Hello.

William.

This is Agnew.

Three Clifton Drive?

Who's that?

This is Mr. Westwood calling.

I'm calling to make sure you're ready to receive the order.

Hello, Mom.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm calling about the horse dicks, the horse cocks, the delivery.

No, no, no.

Excuse me.

Let me make sure.

Jesus Christ, woman.

She's impatient.

Yeah.

She doesn't want to listen to what I have to say.

It's typical of a woman.

Maybe if I speak into the microphone.

Hello, are you there?

Yes, what's this about?

Miss Agnew.

Is this correct?

Okay, so you said before I had the wrong information.

Do I have the right information now?

Are you there?

Just a second.

Is there a man that I can speak with about this information?

This is men's business, not for women's ears.

Okay, well, maybe I'll just tell you anyway.

We have a delivery of 24 horse cocks, big dicks, with three free pony cocks.

you must have got the wrong name no no no you're well i don't have nothing william no no no william

ordered 24 horse cocks sorry i was on mute that was fucking awesome all right now we're fucking

rolling here william briggs oh shit she's still on the line bitch god i need to figure out that

i had the skype premium and then that credit card like all right six five three two three

Hello, this is Briggs.

Hi, 53.

Oh, hello.

Is William available?

Who is this?

This is Mr. Westwood calling.

From where?

From the United States of America, the greatest country.

We're calling about our Black Friday sales event from...

Sorry, but Mr. Briggs died two years ago.

Oh, that is awful, ma'am.

I'm very sorry to hear.

We'll try back at a different time.

Would you be...

Oh, hang on.

Call her back again.

No, I won't.

She's lying.

I don't care.

She's lying.

Do you remember when we called that Scottish woman and you made her cry on Christmas?

This is different.

No, no, no, no, no.

We can see if we can sell her a Ouija board or something.

I'll let you do it, but I swear to God.

You're like, I just called to wish him a Merry Christmas.

And she's like, he died four years ago.

I burst into tears.

She's like, it was cancer.

There's nothing funny about cancer.

Oh, fuck me.

I felt so bad.

Oh, God damn.

Oh, yeah.

Well, see, I'm so much better in the wintertime because the summertime for me is crazy to make money

because it's bright and sunny outside and I can sell more Bibles, you know, door to door.

So it just makes for better work.

All right, then.

Does she want a psychic reading?

Yeah.

Here, I'll let you go back to the William Briggs and you can give her a go.

Do you see her there?

5 Ashford, Clow, Lancaster?

Yes.

What's with the postcode?

I don't understand that.

Why aren't there all digits?

Are yours alphanumeric?

Are they...

Yeah, four numbers.

Hi, this is John calling.

I'm just wondering if you'd be interested in our Black Friday sale of Ouija boards.

They're perfect for contacting late husbands.

I beg your pardon?

We have a sale on Ouija boards.

50% off for Black Friday.

No, thank you.

They're perfect for contacting...

Ouija boards?

No, thank you.

Horse.

What are you going to call him?

Horse.

Some cat's milk.

Okay.

William Clayton.

I think I've called him before.

Horse milk.

Yeah, some guys are talking about...

Mulecock is also another one I'm seeing in the chat.

Chase from House.

William Clayton to Usher's Meadow.

It's actually cold in my closet.

I'm not kidding when I say I'm in my closet,

and I think I'm actually going to make this my permanent...

Hello?

Hello.

Hello, is that William Clayton?

It is.

Yeah, how are you going?

We're just calling to confirm your order of three litres of horse milk.

It's going to be delivered on Monday to 2 Ushers Meadow, Lancaster.

Well, it won't be received.

I've not ordered any horse milk or anything.

Yes, it's already been processed on your credit card.

We've debited the $53.

We just need to make sure that someone's going to be home on Monday or Tuesday to sign for it.

There'll be nobody home on Monday or Tuesday or any day.

I'm not accepting anything.

Well, are we able to leave it on your doorstep?

Nope. Horse.

It is refrigerated. Now, this is milk

fresh from a mare.

It doesn't matter. It will be delivered to the police

for investigation.

No, no, no. Don't be silly. I feel the police

aren't interested in horse milk.

Except in none of this rubbish.

Well, you've paid for the horse milk.

If you've taken money out of my account, I'll prosecute you.

You will not prostitute me.

Now, you will not prostitute.

Now, I will make sure this order

What if it arrives on Monday, and you need to be there to sign for your horse milk?

Well, I'm not accepting it, and I'm going to report this to the police.

What are the police going to do with the horse milk?

Don't be silly.

The police are going to trace your call.

You're going to accept the horse milk on Monday, you're going to sign for it, and then you will drink it.

I will not.

It will be a delicious treat.

Well, I will not have it.

I'm Mr. William Clayton.

Goodbye.

It's a yummy, yummy horse milk.

All right.

Check for the male horse milk.

That's funnier.

All right, that was Clayton.

This is William Crumley.

with the horse milk.

The horse cock seems to get

more of a reaction.

Either way, three hours in

and we're hitting our stride. That's usually how it goes.

Hello? Hello.

Is this William Crumley residence?

No. No? This is Mrs. Crumley?

Yes.

Is this 2 Kempton Road, Lancaster?

Is that correct? Yes.

We're calling about the order of the horse milk

to be delivered to your residence

on Monday.

We just need to make sure the payment has already been received.

And we just want to make sure somebody's going to be there to sign on Monday or Tuesday.

Hang on a minute.

I'm not sure what's being delivered.

I'll pass it to my husband.

Oh, okay.

That's fine.

Be back.

Yep.

All right.

Thanks, mate.

Let me check.

Sorry about that, guys.

Sorry about that.

All right, then.

I got your message here on the Skype machines.

Let's do this.

Yeah, so my oldest child was streaming Netflix because it's 8 a.m.

That's what time they get up on a day off.

How about watching Horsey Cat?

Yeah, well, it was Barbie Cat, actually, Barbie Machines.

So let's regroup here.

I'm at 11 a.m. on the machines here.

Uh, we got, uh, we're much more, we're much more dick and fart jokes, I think, you know, on this, on this end of the, uh, madhouse spectrum, you know, we don't really, we're not that clever.

We just like to talk about dicks and farts and horse cock.

So what you're listening to right now is the Madhouse Live 24-Hour Prank Call Marathon.

Myself, Dirty Aaron, also known as Brent Westwood, and my cousin, Bruce Southwood from Down Under, are on the stream right now.

Check us out at madhouselive.com for that.

RBCP is coming up really soon, in about 40 minutes.

Uh, and, uh, check me out at brentwestwood.com. I know I've been lax and low on the, uh,

on the putting out podcasts and new material, but I got a load in the pipe, so to speak.

And I'm just gonna, um, it's all going to be unedited and raw. I'm just going to release

nearly all of it within probably by, you know, mid January, have all that stuff out. So, uh,

ran into a little bit of bandwidth issues and we had some early technical issues,

shoes, which is typical for my show for the first 15 minutes. Um, so now we're, we're up and going

again called Scotland called England. We've called America called, uh, now we're on a,

we're trying to sell horse cocks to the Brits right about now. So I'm back rolling again.

Uh, let's see if I can, where is the, where's the RBCP? He must've just woken up,

sent him a message. Now my emails are coming in. Okay. Let's go back to the Skype chat. Sorry. I

was on, we were on a roll and got ruined by the fucking bandwidth. That's how it happens. The

internet ruined us. So the last call was 3135 and I believe that was William Crumley. This is

William Fudge. Oh, and he's got the, he's going to answer with 6567. He sounds like he's definitely

interested in um in the fudge packing the person you have called is unavailable please he's busy

william fullerton i'll ask his name yeah willie fudge

hello hello hello this is william fullerton yes oh i'm glad to speak with you sir this is mr

brant westwood calling to make delivery confirmation all right will you be available

Monday to receive the delivery?

It's the order you placed

for the horse milk

with the complimentary horse cock?

No, I don't know anything about that.

Okay, well the payment has already been received

from you, sir, but we will be

sending it out straight away.

Tell me again what it is.

It's one gallon of male horse milk.

Horse milk.

And one free...

I don't know anything about that.

No, no, no.

I have you here, William Fullerton, 6 Ashford,

Lancaster, LA-15BA.

Is that you, sir?

Yeah, and where is this coming from?

This is coming...

Well, I'm based in Dearborn, Michigan,

but the order comes out of Western Australia.

It's drop-shipped for...

It's one gallon of fresh male horse milk.

He wasn't having any of it.

I'll see if I can get him to enter in the code into the phone.

I like getting him to punch numbers in the phone.

It's funny to me.

Hello, Mr. Fullerton.

If you would like to cancel the order, you need to enter the code.

No, I can't.

What a crap.

No, one gallon of male horse milk.

Sir.

Horse.

Just fuck.

I think he said.

Yeah, I think he said call me back.

Yeah, no, that's what I heard.

I heard you want to call back.

Not connecting.

Okay.

William Newton.

Here we go.

You want to have a go at this one?

Yeah.

Hi, how are you going?

My name's Brad.

I'm just calling about the order that we're delivering on Monday,

and I just wanted to make sure someone would be home to sign

for the order you placed.

When about?

On Monday?

Approximately between 10 and 3.

You just need someone to sign for it.

I've got the order there being made by William Newton

going to 198 Torres Home Road.

Yep.

So between 10 and 3.

Yeah, someone could be home between that time.

It is a large box.

So I don't know if you've got someone there to carry it in.

But our courier will have a trolley that they'll be able to bring it up to the door.

Sorry, that's all right.

Unload it.

Yeah, so it's a full carton of 32 horse cocks.

And we've...

32 what?

32 horse cocks.

We've already...

Horse phalluses, rubber horse penises.

They're like an adult toy.

You are joking.

No, they've all been paid for by William's credit card.

A grand total of $1,200.

Hang on.

Will you wait a minute?

William did order the express postage on these.

Where are you calling from?

We're calling from Western Australia.

They're actually getting shipped out directly.

He put his order through on horsecocks.com.au.

Yes, hi, I'm William.

This is Brad here.

I'm just calling from the shipping department.

We're just confirming that the shipment's been made

and that we'll need someone to sign for your delivery on Monday.

the 32 horse penises will be arriving

and we hope that

it's your satisfaction

we gladly would love to hear your feedback

once you've used the product

we've already processed

we're not receiving anything on Monday

we've already processed the payment on your credit card

sir, so if you've got a problem

with the product you will have to return it

we're not returning it

no no it's not fraud sir

you've placed the order

my name is Bradley

Who are you working for?

Horsecocks.com.au.

They're adult toys, sir.

You've placed an order for 32 of them.

I've got it down here.

It says William Newton, 198 Torres Home Road.

And we've charged your credit card because you've placed this order,

and we deliver it on Monday.

I understand if you're embarrassed because your wife answered the phone,

but no need to be embarrassed, sir.

It's a discreet box that it comes in.

She will not know that they are the horse penises when they arrive.

Would you like to speak to my supervisor?

Would you like to speak to my supervisor so he may cancel the order?

All right, if you like.

I'll just put you through.

Frank, please take a call.

Yes, hello.

This is Mr. West.

We're calling.

Hello, I just called to make sure.

Do we need an English translator for this call?

From you.

You have to.

Okay.

We have.

Mr. Fraudulent.

No, well, here's the problem, sir, is that in our business of selling horse milk,

male horse milk horse milk and uh and and horse dildos we have no no desire for any horse okay

i understand sir but we've heard that you know sometimes in this situation we have a an order

and the people are embarrassed or they're they're regretting the order and if that's the case we can

go ahead and cancel it for you sir you know you just need to say that you know you made the order

You made the order of the horse cocks and the horse milk and the two free pony cocks,

and we can go ahead and take them off.

You just need to enter.

You have nothing to do with that.

You can cancel the order, and I shall certainly be careful.

That's fine, sir.

I understand.

What has happened is we had a Black Friday sale for buy one, get one free horse cocks

and male horse milk.

Horse milk?

Horse milk.

Yes.

No interest in it at all.

We did not order it.

It's the first I've ever heard of you, and we'd like you, as you suggested.

So, yeah, so far we're on the same page.

So we just need to make sure that you're going to be able to make a recorded statement about canceling the order

and then enter in the code into the phone.

Are you prepared for that?

No, I'm not prepared to do that.

I'm sorry, sir, then these are...

I can't cancel an order which I have.

Oh, I understand, sir, but...

...any order off you, and we have therefore no wise as you've been misled by that.

Well, I'm sorry, sir.

Even if that is the case, we don't deal directly with the banks.

What we need...

I understand your logic, sir, but we just need to enter in the code.

Sir.

That guy didn't appreciate the code.

No, he didn't like the code.

Horse milk.

The male horse milk.

One gallon of male horse milk.

All right.

Fuck, I ran out of water.

I need more water.

I see it.

Shit.

I'm just like, actually, the waft goes up.

There's a man on the phone calling about the delivery of penises.

Love it.

Here we go.

That was, which one was that?

Newton or Pennington?

That was Newton, wasn't it?

Newton.

All right.

This is working out well.

I'm glad we found something that keeps people on the line, you know,

because you're talking about the money,

and then they'll say horse cock or horse milk as many times as you ask.

I'm more on the horse theme.

Hello.

This is the Pennington residence?

Yeah.

Yeah, okay, I'm calling to make sure that we're going to be able to make the delivery on Monday or Tuesday next week.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.

Okay, it's the delivery of the horse items, the horse items.

No, I'm sorry, you've got the wrong Pennington.

Completely.

No, no, no, no, no, 2 West Drive, Lancaster, England.

Well, do you know anything about the horse items?

Nothing to do with us.

Oh, okay. Well, what we have here is an order for one gallon of male horse milk and one case.

No, no, it's from the horse, not for the horse.

And then 22 cases, it was buy one, get one free for the American Black Friday sale for 24 horse cocks.

I don't understand what you're talking about.

It's horse cock.

I don't care what it is. You're the...

The credit card's already been charged.

Hello?

Shit.

She sounds like she's going to get upset really fast.

She has to know she's been charged, yeah.

Yeah.

Hello, Mrs. Dillon-Jones?

We're not available at the moment.

Oh, Bill.

Bill's not going to answer.

He's a fuck.

All right.

That was the Penningtons, and this is Quigley.

And actually, that might be it for my...

I'm going to have to recheck my list here.

Willie Quigley.

Oh, we got a bunch of McDonald's in Hawaii.

Horse.

Hello?

Hello.

Is this Mr. Quigley?

William Quigley?

Who's calling?

Yeah, this is Mr. Westwood calling.

We're calling for a delivery confirmation.

Are you going to be available to sign for the delivery Monday or Tuesday

to 3 Hethfoot Drive, Morecom, LA3...

Leave you what?

It is the items you ordered online, sir,

for the horse milk and the horse cock.

For the what?

The horse milk, the male, fresh, pumped horse milk,

and the horse and the horse cock you've already been charged for these items sir and the delivery

will be monday or tuesday where do you order from it's from uh horsefuckers.com sir we're having a

black friday sale no isn't i've ordered anything yes sir we have it delivered it is it is 12 sorry

you're ringing the wrong person you've got the wrong information it's not i haven't ordered

anything right uh well here's the problem sir is that is that we're having an order of it's a it's

Buy one, get one free.

We have an order of 12 11-inch horse cock coming to your door.

And one...

No, what are you talking about?

I've done the order, so don't bother ringing again.

You're being charged, sir.

I'm sorry.

Unless you know the confirmation code, you can cancel.

I haven't even made an order.

So you get punished to try to deliver something, because I haven't ordered anything.

Well, I mean, it's already ready to go.

We just need to make sure somebody will...

When was it ordered?

It was ordered yesterday.

No, I wasn't. No, I wasn't.

Because I wasn't even on a computer yesterday to order it, so there you are.

Well, I don't know what to tell you, sir.

Maybe in our business of selling horse cocks, we have people that sometimes regret it.

Oh, you fuck off.

We have some people...

We're in the business of cock, sir.

Some people regret it.

Immediately after.

Fucking A.

He's like, oh, God, why do I want to have that horse cock?

32 then.

32 horse cock.

Why?

I only, I don't have that many.

I only need 31.

Oh, fuck.

That is hilarious to me.

Okay.

God, we need some more.

Let's see.

Oh, fucking Iran.

What time is it in Iran?

Oh, here's some more.

It's too early in Australia.

What do we got here?

Oh, here we are.

More English people.

Fucking awesome.

Oh, this is California, Indian.

Indian.

Okay, we can do that.

I just wonder if it's open, though, huh?

Indian restaurant.

California.

I got a bunch here.

Here, I got some more English numbers here.

Mark Westworth, my cousin, Mark Westworth.

Okay.

Yeah, Billman says that you should work for, like, quarantine

and say that you're holding the package.

Oh, right.

Oh, because it says biohazard?

Yeah, biohazard horse cock.

Okay, I just sent you some of the, I just put the numbers in your Skype message to you

because it's easier to do that than do them in Skype chat between us because otherwise

I'd lose track.

Yep.

Okay.

And, uh, okay, this is Dr. Frank Foster.

Maybe we can get the, uh, the thing out here.

Maybe he, uh, what is it?

Shame after sex.

Regret after sex.

Hello.

How are you today?

This is Mr. Westwood calling,

calling for the delivery confirmation for Foster.

Is that correct?

Yeah.

32 Prospect Drive.

We just want to make sure somebody's there to pick up the package.

It can't be left on the porch.

Yeah, there's somebody here, yeah.

Okay, that's fine.

Well, yeah, the good doctor ordered one gallon of male horse milk and 12...

How long was that?

Huh?

Male horse milk and 12...

No, no.

12, 11-inch, 12, 1-meter horse cock.

Hello, is this Mr. Foster? Dr. Foster?

Yeah.

Hello, nice to speak to you this morning, sir. This is Mr. Westwood calling.

Who, you?

Yeah, Mr. Westwood?

Yeah, I think.

Oh, no, that's fine. I'm from the delivery service.

Which? Which is it?

Well, the delivery service for the order you placed for the horse milk and the horse cock.

No, no.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I have the order here for 32 Prospect Drive. Is that you, sir?

Well, it's from horsefucker.com.

It's from a horsefucker.com.

It has to do with sexual relations with animals and horse cock.

Horse cock.

Horse.

All numbs.

Goodbye.

Okay.

Hello, sir.

Maybe we can get the anatomy explanation.

If I can have him break down for me how someone can fit that in there.

Hello.

Is this Mrs. Foster?

Hello.

All right.

Fucking A, man.

That last little bit, it flies by when you got shit, you got people answering to talk to.

Yeah, well, how long has it been going for now?

Three hours, 20.

Yeah, well, a little longer.

I mean, yeah.

Well, right, yeah, because I kind of started a little late, but I mean, I'm giving it up to the RBCP in about 15 minutes.

Oh.

So, really, you sound a little tired, mate.

Yeah, it's almost 4 a.m.

Holy shit.

Wow, that's how committed Tristan is to the Brent Westwood show.

I never doubted your commitment, sir, because your Internet science is amazing.

Yeah, I'm an Internet scientist.

Yeah, thought so.

Okay, well.

I'm going to have to sleep.

Yeah, let's go to, I can talk to the Skype machine.

Well, you know, if you want to, let's do this.

Let me see if I can get, I'm going to call Brad.

See if he'll answer.

or do a little transition into his show.

Maybe him and I can make a call together and you can go to sleep.

Yeah, you can order some more horse cocks.

Yeah.

I don't think RBCP is really into the horse cocks as much as the rest of us.

You know, he's probably feeding his children cereal,

which is probably what I should be doing now, but I'm not.

Answer the fucking phone, dickhead.

Okay.

While he's not connecting, I can move on to something else.

Here we are.

That was Dr. Foster.

This is Mr. Frank Turton.

Oh, my tummy's starting to hurt.

I need to get some more food.

Guys, it's saying what?

Good afternoon, sir.

This is Mr. Westwood calling for Mr. Turton.

Mr. Turton?

No, he's not in at the moment.

Oh, okay.

Well, we just need to make sure that someone's going to be able to pick up the delivery that we're sending to him.

Oh, I was telling.

Okay.

Okay, and it's for one dozen male horse cocks, one meter in length.

I've gotten very faint. I'm sorry.

Oh, okay. He wanted to order...

Hello? Hello?

Hello?

He wanted the horse cock.

I've gotten very... Did he say he was getting faint?

I think he said he couldn't hear. I don't know.

He's old.

He's old, yeah.

That happens.

All right, this is Mark Batheson, also in Lancaster.

Oh, that's a great idea. I should just call KDK.

He'd be up for the horse cock.

Yeah, let's go to my contact list.

There's a few.

Let's see here.

All these people in the chat are wanting you to sell mail order babies.

Yeah.

I don't know if that's believable, but then again,

all those cocks are probably not believable either.

Well, you'd be surprised.

I want to leave a voicemail.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

Okay, bro.

It's not available.

Tell them, please record your message.

When you've finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options.

To leave a callback number, press 5.

Hello, this is Mr. Westwood calling.

Calling for a delivery confirmation of your 1 gallon of male horse milk

to be freshly delivered to your front door

and also 1 box of 12-inch male horse cock.

Horse!

Okay, I just left that voicemail on Katie Kay's cell phone.

i talked to him a few months ago he wouldn't make a prank call with me i mean i i invited him

to join me and he was being all grouchy about it so i don't think i don't think he makes prank

calls much anymore that's what i understand so i wanted to try and give it an opportunity

to to join him you would go on cam with you or something on cam right well and see his

He's stabbed face.

Okay.

All right.

Checking out all my information machines.

Are you ready?

Yeah, we got about 10 more minutes of show left here, you know,

until Brad takes over, and then I got to go to work.

So that's going to be awesome.

My little tummy-tum hurts.

I already pooped today.

Too much pumpkin pie.

Yeah, I had a small piece because I didn't, you know,

No, I wasn't trying to force out the poop, but it happened anyway, so...

Well, I've got a few more English numbers you can...

Oh, no, I still have a ton that I sent you there, so we can keep going.

Yeah, we'll bang out a few.

All right, hold on.

This is one number we're going to call...

This is a number from then.

It's A Gorilla.

It's a number.

It's an American number that was sent to me, and I have to call it.

Yeah, in bags.

Hello?

Hello, is this A Gorilla?

This is A Gorilla.

Oh, hello. Nice to speak with you. My name is Mr. Westwood. I'm calling to deliver your order confirmations and make sure somebody's going to be available on Monday or Tuesday to receive them.

Monday or Tuesday to receive order confirmations for...

For one gallon of male horse milk.

What?

One gallon of male horse milk.

I don't think so.

So freshly pumped and then, and then it was, it came with a, come with one free pony cock

and 12, one, really, I haven't been, I haven't had a customer that's excited in a while.

Excuse me, please.

Uh, the, the other thing we're sending you is 12, one foot long male horse cocks.

There are three inches wide.

Is she still there?

No, she's gone.

She was pretty excited.

Yeah.

I heard that.

Well, my, my closet opened.

I guess she's, she's, I agree.

Gorilla.

Yeah.

Hey, gorilla.

Called.

All right.

So, yeah.

I guess they can hear me outside of my closet.

I just...

Yeah, you kids.

Yeah, did you hear that?

Did you hear that?

Why are you in here?

Daddy, why are you talking about a horse cock?

I just imagine the woman answering the phone wearing a gorilla costume.

Is it excited about the horse cocks?

That's funny.

All right.

I might need to go really soon.

That's all right.

I'll do one British one.

if you've got it okay if they answer and then that's probably it for me um where is the there

he is there he is okay i'm gonna call him now i'm gonna we'll do a nice little transition thing here

it'll be nice a little handover if he's gonna answer the phone all right we'll go to you see

hello if he's gonna answer the phone all right oh hey oh we're on the stream hello hello if he's

gonna answer the phone all right oh hey oh we're on the screen you can use them yeah i'm sounding

I'm pretty good. I'm kind of bassy.

Oh, that's nice.

Thanks, Brad.

I'd like to extend a special thank you to you and Stacy

for allowing me to take the early shift so I can contribute.

Oh, sure, yeah. Anytime.

Because I have a job that I have to go to.

You have to do six hours, though. We're not going on time.

Shut up.

I think Tristan is about ready to fall asleep with his microphone up his ass.

It's getting there.

All right, so Tristan's going to do one more horse cock delivery, it sounds like.

I've been enjoying this.

I've been listening for two hours now.

Oh, really?

You like it?

Yeah.

I'm glad.

That was Mark Lister, I believe.

Oh, Mark Westworth.

He's my cousin.

Do you see that one, Tristan?

27 Burlington Avenue.

It's in your chat.

It'd be in the...

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

All right, here we go.

You can't go wrong with horse cock.

Never.

Oh, yam bags.

No.

Who here has large yam bags?

Not me.

Mine were pretty big.

Oh, what's happening with that number?

It's not connecting.

Mine are huge, but, you know, after 40 years, gravity takes its toll.

It really does.

Okay, the 420.

Okay, Mark Lister.

More like yam sags.

Mm-hmm.

Mark Westworth.

This is, uh, shit.

Kevin White.

Hello.

Hello, is Kevin there?

Lister.

Hello.

Lister.

Lister. Is Lister there, please?

I'm sorry, who's Lister?

Yes, this is Frank.

I'm just calling about the delivery that we're going to be delivering on Monday.

I just want to make sure someone's going to be there to sign for it.

Time, when?

Approximately between 10 and 3.

If someone would be there, that would be fantastic.

It's quite a large box.

On Monday, we're looking to deliver it, but it's quite a large delivery.

So I was wondering if you've got someone there to carry it in, possibly a strong man.

And we're calling from the internet.

Basically, we've got an order put through from Mark Lister,

72 Greaves Road, Lancaster.

Yeah, that's correct.

$100 worth of horse-related products.

He's already horse lubricant, the horse dildo, and the horse vibrator.

Do you please?

Yeah, this is Frank.

As I said, I'm calling from dispatch.

And basically, we've already charged the order that Mark placed yesterday,

and it's already been dispatched,

but we're looking to make delivery on Monday if possible.

Sorry, who am I talking to?

As I said, this is Frank from Dispatch,

and basically we're going to confirm that you'll be there on Monday

to receive the horse cock.

Would you like that delivered to you in vagina?

I don't think she's buying it.

All right.

I wasn't, did.

All right.

Hi, Zyklon.

Tell me a joke about niggers.

Don't you call them avos down there?

Oh, shit.

Yeah. Brad, you want to make a, you want to make a horse cock call and I'll turn it over to you

after that? Uh, I guess. Okay. Awesome. Uh, this will be Kevin White, uh, here. I'll, um, send

you the information here and your, there's his address and shit. Okay. And then after that,

I gotta go. I'm just going to hang up the stream and it's all good. Hi, I'm calling for Kevin White.

Hello, this is Craig from Horscock Delivery Machines.

I'm just calling to confirm a delivery, and we need to make sure you're going to be there in about, I guess, tomorrow morning.

It's for the horse-related products.

Horse products?

Yeah, it's going to be quite a large crate. It's going to be a big wooden crate.

You might have the wrong address, matey.

Oh, it is...

Hold on.

Eight Story Avenue in Lancaster.

Here it is. Mark!

No worries, we have the right address.

Well, the name on the delivery is Kevin White.

Right, and what actually is it?

Let me look at the invoice here.

It's 32 horse cocks.

32 horse cocks?

Yes, sir.

No, I don't know what you're talking about, mate.

I've not ordered or paid for it.

Oh, no, it's been paid for.

Someone's got it mixed up.

No, no, it's been paid for already.

It has your name and Eight Story Avenue in Lancaster.

It's been paid for already.

How much has it been paid for?

It shows here.

Let me see.

It's 732 pounds.

£732 already been paid?

Yeah.

No, you've got the wrong, it's wrong because you've got not enough £700.

Oh, I can't, it doesn't show me that.

Right.

Well, I've no idea what you're talking about.

I think you'd better go back and check because it's to do with horses.

Yeah, horse cocks, 32 horse cocks.

And it's going to be there tomorrow morning.

Well, it'll be sent back by me because I'm not accepting it because I've not ordered it.

on a little step. We have nothing to do with horses

so ever. You're going to have to pay

for the shipping to send it back, because most of that...

I am not paying, matey, for anything

because I've not ordered it,

therefore I'm not paying anything.

Well, we're not going to pay for you to send them

back. You've already paid for these. I've

not paid for them. How many times do you

need telling? I don't have anything to do

with horses. I'm a pensioner.

I couldn't afford to spend

£700 on anything.

I remember your voice, so I

know it's you that ordered it. You don't remember

Remember my voice at all because I've not

anything, so don't start that. You better

come and tell me. I did not

spend 700 pounds. Was that paid?

You gave your credit card number, so it's definitely

I don't have a credit card, mate.

I don't have a credit card

in use at all. No credit

I've got is in use. Well, then

just be happy and enjoy your free

horse cocks when they arrive tomorrow

morning. What is it? What did it

do, this thing? It's horse cocks.

32 horse cocks. You know the

animal horse? What are they used for?

And that's none of my business.

It's none of my business what you do with your horse cocks.

Well, I won't be touching them, mate.

You will not even be allowed in this house or on my property.

So you better get on to the shipper, whoever it is, and find out what's going on.

Because somebody is playing games.

If I get one more phone call from this,

or the police say I've been harassed, pensioner,

I couldn't afford to pay $700 for anything.

Secondly, I've not got a credit card that I use.

So I don't use a credit card.

So it can't be me.

Well, I don't know how they paid for it.

I don't remember, because it was last week.

You just told me it was a credit card.

Yeah.

Anyway, it's going to be there tomorrow morning.

I don't care if it's coming here tomorrow or not.

It'll be sent back.

It won't even get off the truck, because I will not accept it.

He'll bring it off the truck, and then he'll ring the bell.

He won't get it off the truck, and he won't ring the bell.

Secondly, there'll probably be nobody in.

And thirdly, I won't accept it.

You don't have to sign for it.

He's just going to leave it on the front.

I don't want it.

Don't play your games.

and I've got a feeling this is a con.

Give me your return phone call number.

I don't have to.

You don't have to give me a call number.

I don't have to do shit, motherfucker.

You what?

Why don't you go suck a dick?

Oh, yeah, you suck yours as well, mate.

All right, you're a con merchant

and I'm now going to call the police

and turn them up in Iraq.

Do it.

All right?

Whatever.

I don't care.

Yeah, you don't care.

No, you don't.

You're a fucking dirty, filthy con merchant.

Oh, yeah, you're a horse cot.

You're the one.

You're a scumbag, mate.

Yeah, yeah, I'm a scumbag.

Well done.

Very nice.

All right, well, that's pretty much it for me.

My four hours or whatever.

So thanks for joining in me there at the end there, RBCP.

You're welcome.

Also, thank you for the Mixler info last week.

That helped out.

And the numbers that went fucking nowhere.

Those were awesome, too.

Anytime.

Can we call that guy back?

No, I got to go.

Oh, I've been on for four hours, so...

Come on, let's call him, like, three more times.

Well, here, you have his phone number.

Oh, yeah, that's true.

And your messages, so you can call him as many times as you want.

I don't have unlimited England calling stuff.

I don't either. I'm just paying Skype credit.

Oh, okay.

I just do straight-up credit.

Fine.

It's only, like, 2.3 cents a minute, so it will cost you...

I will mail 25 cents to you.

It will cost me 41 cents to mail 25 cents to you.

Okay.

Just to make the call.

Thank you. I appreciate it.

All right, you're welcome. So Tristan. Yes. Thanks for hanging on the line. You're awesome. Good night. All right. Good night. Get some sleep. All right. Later. All right. Zyklon the Sambo lover. Nice to have you on. See you later. You too. All right. That's the end of that. RVCP is going to be taken over. Thank you very much. Okay. Well, I guess I'll hang up and I'll start stealing streams from you. Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. I'm done. Okay. All right. Bye. All right. That's it for me.

I'm just going to shut down the stream, and then he's going to take over.

Then I'm going to go to work and giggle all day long about horse cock.

Okay, guys.

Thank you very much.

Here we go.

See you later.

You too.

All right.

That's the end of that.

RBCP is going to be taking over.

Thank you very much.

Okay.

Well, I guess I'll hang up, and I'll start stealing streams from you.

Yeah, yeah.

Go ahead.

I'm done.

Okay.

All right.

That's it for me.

I'm just going to shut down the stream, and then he's going to take over.

Then I'm gonna go to work and giggle all day long about horse cock. Okay guys. Thank you very much. Here we go

Thanksgiving 2013 Prankathon 4/7 – Brent Westwood Show

Calls (48, 1 h 54 min of 2 h 50 min)

Transcript

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