Thanksgiving 2013 Prankathon 6/7 – Lux – The Psycho Show

Ready for that Ram Pringle.

Okay, I think everything's running.

So yeah, I think, yeah, I'm going to drop off and I won't be around anymore.

Okay, thanks, Brad.

If you need anything, message my other Skype, because I probably won't be around on this one.

All right, cool.

Yeah, okay. Have a good show.

Yeah.

Woo.

Oh, and also, I'm going to play really loud, annoying music the whole time.

Thank you.

They won't be able to hear your calls over the music.

Okay.

All right, bye.

Bye.

So are you, too.

Yeah, that was, uh, let's try that again.

Yeah, you.

What a terrible phone line.

Ring, ring.

Okay, so, of course, doing a horsey cat call.

Hello, everybody.

Hello.

This is Kmart, right?

Yes, sir, this is Kmart.

Okay, cool.

My name is Kyle.

I was in there earlier with my sister, and she got this toy thing.

And I need to return it because it's really inappropriate for her, okay?

Okay.

Yeah, I can't believe you're selling this.

Quite honestly, I'm just bewildered.

And my mind is being blown by the fact that you would sell this inappropriate toy to children.

What toy?

My sister is five and you're selling her a horsey cat?

What the hell is wrong with you?

You're all terrible people.

You understand?

I need to talk to a manager about this because that's just a terrible thing to do.

Do you know what a horse cat is, sir? Do you know what you're selling to these children?

Okay, well, I apologize, sir.

It's a stuffed- Listen, goddammit. It's this stuffed animal, and it's anatomically correct, and it's got this gigantic horsey penis.

Have you not seen the commercial for this thing yet?

Horsey cat, horsey cat, smells like fishes. Horsey cat, horsey cat, it's so delicious.

Horsey cat, horsey cat, it has a horse cock.

That's the commercial. How the fuck can you sell this in your store?

I need to speak to a manager immediately.

Hold on, please.

I refuse to hold.

You can't put me on hold.

I just hear, guys, from the PLAs.

Hello, this is Lorraine.

How can I help you?

Yeah, Lorraine.

Did the other guy tell you about my problem, or did he just transfer me to you?

They just transferred me to you.

What happened?

Okay, I'm really, really fucking angry right now.

My sister and I went in and we bought her a stuffed animal, and I didn't look at it

carefully.

It turns out it has, like, anatomically correct features.

This stuffed animal is a large penile.

Yes, why are you selling that to children?

That I don't understand.

I don't even know which doll you're talking about because we don't have...

It's the horsey...

Excuse me?

It is the horsey cat.

It's a very popular children's toy.

Yeah, it's half horse, half cat.

It's basically like a kitten stuffed animal, but with a horse's penis.

That I have no idea.

I've never even seen him in our store.

It's this year's hot Black Friday item.

How the hell do you not know what I'm talking about?

No, I don't know what you're talking about because I don't have kids that age that likes to play with toys.

These were all over the shelves this morning.

They were like these kids.

Inside Kmart?

Yeah.

I wasn't here this morning.

I just barely got here.

Okay, well, these two six-year-olds were in there earlier, and this one six-year-old wanted the last horsey cat,

so she kicked the other horsey cat owner in the face, this other six-year-old girl,

and took the horsey cat and then started hitting her with the baseball bats.

It's really not a good idea to have sporting goods and horsey cats in the same aisle.

I mean, I'm just—

We don't have—I don't think we have sporting goods in the same aisle or with the same animal.

I've got my lawyer here.

Patches is my lawyer, and he's going to sue you, actually, for emotional issues.

Hi, ma'am.

I'm Patches from Patches and Goldstein.

Uh-huh.

Yes.

Unfortunately, you do violate the obscenity code, 64301.

Okay, you would have to take up with the corporate office because...

No, ma'am, I'm taking it up with you.

Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not the store manager, okay?

Well, ma'am, I'm afraid you're going to have to talk to the store manager

and have all those products removed from the shelves.

And what products are they?

The horsey cat.

Okay, I need to go downstairs and check because I've never seen those things

and I've never heard of them.

Well, then maybe someone's putting them on your shelves.

Either way, you need to remove them from your shelves.

Okay.

So I would suggest you send someone around to look at the shelves and try to remove them.

Alrighty, I will. I don't know what you're talking about because I just got here in the store, but I will find out what it is.

Ma'am, I'm talking about walls of anatomically correct horse cats.

Okay, well, let me go check myself because I have never seen them, and I've never seen anything anatomically like that in this store.

Do you know what anatomically means?

Yes, it's not right for the kids. I understand.

That's close enough to the definition. Ma'am, you need to remove them immediately.

immediately off the shelves or you you it will be the worst consequence you can possibly imagine

oh that's fine i will take care of it but like i said you would have to go through corporate

because no no no i'm going to do it you will remove the horse dicks from the wall

excuse me don't talk to me like that ma'am what do you allow me to say would you want me to

fly to you what do you want me to say i was gonna i was gonna have a go it's gonna be awesome

Awesome. What's up, everybody?

Yeah, so, you know, Atch is the lawyer's here.

I haven't been on here for, like, ever.

Not since, like, the phone show ended.

Yeah, no, for sure.

Well, good to have you around.

Also gonna have Mr. Trevor later, too.

It's like the PLA is getting by my show.

Here's another, uh, if you want to do something with it.

Okay.

Ferb and K-Mario, can I help you?

Hi, this is Richard. I'm calling from the corporate office.

Okay.

Hi, okay, you are aware, of course, it's Black Friday today, right?

I'm sorry?

Okay, ma'am, what's your name?

My name is Kelly.

Okay, Kelly, you're aware it's Black Friday, right?

Yes, I am.

Okay, well, we decided up at the corporate office that we'd like to do a little bit of a promotional.

We want to have a bike race, and the winner will receive a flat-screen television, an 18-inch one.

So we're not busting the bank on this.

But what I need you to do is I need you to get two bikes off the shelf

and then go out to the parking lot and have as many customers as you want

and then have two of them race from one end of the parking lot to the other

to win a flat-screen television.

I'm going to have to contact you with my manager for this.

Okay, transfer me to the manager.

Okay, please.

I hope you get them to start setting this shit up.

Yes.

It'd be amazing.

The prize should be a horsey cat, though.

Hi, this is Richard. I'm calling from the corporate office.

Hi, Derek.

Hi, I'm doing pretty well. Did Kelly tell you what we were planning? Did Kelly tell you what we were planning up at the corporate office?

No, no. I wasn't aware of any corporate call.

Well, it was just we basically drew this up in the back room about 10 minutes ago. We think it's a wonderful idea.

As a promotional item, we're having several people. You're going to take two bikes in one of the parking lot.

And then the other end of the parking lot, you'll have a flat screen television and obviously an attendant over there.

and you'll have two people race to the end of the parking lot

and the first person to get to the end gets the television.

Is this a joke?

No, no, it's completely serious.

Uh, well, sorry, but it's raining, so we're not able to do that.

Well, even better.

It's like it adds some extra power.

We'll definitely want to be powerful and win.

Okay, well, we'll do it. Thank you.

Oh, you will?

Oh, can you send me the video?

Yeah, I'll send it to you.

Oh, do you have my email?

Damn him.

What a dumb...

So, Ram, you're here.

Are you just not going to talk words?

No.

I need more sangria.

Yay for alcohols.

Okay, next.

Next, Kmart.

We're going to harass the hell out of some Kmarts, because I have, like, 12 of them.

Why Kmart?

Because Kmart sucks.

Because why not Kmart?

They've called everything else.

And we call it, like, Blockbuster and Target.

Alright.

Service.

Um, hello.

I need to speak to a manager, please.

Okay, let me transfer you to him.

Thank you.

I'm going to see if they'll turn on all the blue lights in the store.

Like, every single blue light.

Hello?

That's a response.

Yeah, that's the point.

Stupid turbo.

God.

Thank you for holding.

How can I help you?

Yeah, hello.

My name is Kyle Tomlinson, Lexington the 3rd.

I'm calling from corporate.

Okay.

We've actually had four customer complaints today calling into the corporate office that

they were shopping there for Black Friday and there weren't enough blue lights going on.

Yeah. No, yeah, that's the problem. We actually reinitiated that policy about four and a half days ago in preparation for Black Friday.

Send us an email on that. We never heard about it.

We did send you an email. That's the problem here. Apparently, whoever's supposed to be reading emails wasn't attentive.

What's the email address you used?

We used www.googlemail.corporateoffice4kmartbackspacethislegit.com.

That's our email.

You didn't receive an email from us?

Nope.

Huh.

Okay.

So we're going to need you to go ahead and I'm going to put my manager on the line.

And he'll go ahead and tell you why you need to bring these out of storage and put them back up.

Okay.

So do you have the lights in storage?

No, we don't.

Okay, then what I need you to do is I need you to go over and find some lights, maybe at a Lowe's or a lighting department, and then you need to take some saran wrap and take a blue Sharpie, and you need to make a blue Sharpie saran wrap cover and wrap it around a light.

And then I need you to take someone and have them walk with a big extension cord with a blue light through the store.

Awesome.

Yeah.

What are we going to advertise?

You're advertising everything, including your job.

Awesome.

What else?

Yeah, basically that.

Mostly your job.

That's it?

Yeah, that's it.

So, just get the Sharpie. You need to take the Sharpie.

Okay, sir. Are you getting the Sharpie?

Nope.

Sir, you need to or you're fired.

You know, put the previous girl on.

Put a checker on. Put a checker on.

That'll be fun.

He didn't like that.

Aren't we so believable?

I'm not equipped to do these calls yet.

I sound so legit.

I have a pest control number that I have an idea for.

So, I'll kill you.

Send them to, like, some pizza place

and tell them, or send them, no,

No, send them to, like, a Walmart or something and be like, we need you to get rid of all the shoppers.

All right.

Um, I don't have any numbers like that, though.

I've got this, uh, pest control idea, though, that I want to try.

Oh, penis.

Next.

No.

Perfect.

Yay.

What's this one?

Another pest control number.

I have three of them.

I'm hoping.

Yeah.

Hell yeah, nigga.

I'm on the chat.

Hello.

This is the following Tamarack pest control.

See, my idea is that, you know, like, I don't know, a caribou attacked my Thanksgiving dinner

and it won't leave my house or something.

Glorious.

There's like a raccoon burrowed inside the turkey.

A raccoon burrowed inside your turkey.

You're a good boy, Ram.

Good afternoon, pest control.

Um, hello.

My name is Kyle.

I'm having a problem, actually, and you're the only pest control in the area I've been

able to get in contact with.

apparently a lot of them are closed for the holiday uh-huh yeah um what's going on here is

that uh yesterday thanksgiving we had a pest like come in and start you know like attacking the food

basically we managed to get it outside but we can't get it to leave the yard so i don't know

i figured we'd call you what kind of problem you having what kind of problem you having it's a pest

problem it's it's uh it's more of an exotic pest it's it's like it's like a baby one though so

maybe what possum um no actually i think it's a uh it could either be a capybara or a raccoon i'm

not sure yeah well we don't deal with those types of animals we don't i'm sorry we don't deal with

those kind of animals you can't help me with a raccoon isn't that we can't kill we can't kill

raccoons no don't kill it no dear god don't kill it hold on wait yeah we don't we don't deal with

raccoons or possums or anything like that.

It looks like a raccoon

half like a cat, though.

It doesn't look like a raccoon.

We don't deal with those kind of animals, Carl.

I've called everybody. I don't know if you could give me another

number that might work.

Yeah, no one's going to be open today, though.

It's coming up to the window, though.

Okay.

Do you have a shotgun?

No, I don't, actually. I'm not

I don't have any guns.

Do you have a BB gun?

Do you know what?

I'm looking at it.

No, I don't.

Oh, God.

I need to get guns.

Yeah, we'll get a gun and shoot it.

I don't have any guns, though.

Is there another way to get rid of it?

Yeah, do you have a Halloween costume?

It appears to be a cat.

Yeah, put a Halloween costume on, and it'll stick up, too, and it'll scare the crap out of it.

See, I don't think you're being serious with me.

This is a big problem, okay?

My family left.

They all went back to Michigan because of this happening yesterday.

They all left.

No, I understand that.

I think you're taking this seriously.

I need help with this, and you're just being joking with me.

No, it'll work.

Every time, I'm dead serious.

I'm not joking with you at all.

What kind of Halloween costume?

Because I know I have a cat, and cats aren't afraid of my Halloween costumes that I've had in the past.

And this looks like it could be a cat.

Wait.

Yeah, I'm looking closer, and it's like a cat, but it's got, like, horse feces, if you know what I mean.

It's got, like, a horse penis thing.

Yeah.

Yes.

I'm thinking it's like a horsey cat.

Have you heard of those?

I think I...

Yes, I have.

It's a horse cat.

Exactly.

No, it's a horsey cat.

Yes.

How do I get rid of a horsey cat?

I think you either shoot it or scare it.

Like I said, put a mask on or something.

It'll scare the crap out of it.

Okay, what kind of mask?

Like a...

Any mask you can find in the house.

And if you don't have a mask, put some paint on your face.

Do you know if horsey cats are racist?

I don't want to put on like a black eye mask and be like beaten by a horsey cat.

Try it, yeah, try that or put some, any type of makeup on will scare the crap out of them.

That'll work out really well.

Okay, do they have any food allergies or something?

Like, maybe I could, I don't know.

Yeah, they can't stand peanut butter because it sticks to their mouth.

So give them some peanut butter and some crackers.

Okay.

Be careful, though, they'll want to bite you.

Just stick your hand out way, I like that, with some peanut butter and crackers on.

What if it bites me?

It'll probably kiss you.

They're very friendly.

But if it's friendly, why do I want to scare it away?

If it's friendly, why can't I just keep it?

told me. Kyle, you're the one that told me you want to

get rid of it. I think you ought to keep it as a pet.

Hold on, hold on. I have a whip in my bedroom

that I use with my... That is perfect.

Okay. Yes.

Have a great day, Kyle. Okay, you too.

Stupid ass.

Do you think he caught on?

Maybe. Maybe.

Oh, that failed. I'm going to go around on

Craig's list and see what I can find.

Alright. I've got babysitter numbers

because, you know, I sound like a child.

It's an angle I can play.

I don't think so. Shut up, Ram.

no one asked um you go call the babysitter number all right you want to be my dad um

okay fun to think up insane scenarios what kind of terrible child i am i'm gonna say that you

stabbed the last one in like a pie with a small pencil hey hi uh are you the babysitter yeah um

okay uh i was just calling um i'm going out of town for a little bit um next weekend and i need

get someone to babysit my child for about three four hours how old is your child uh 12 12 okay

and uh where um where are you located oh i'm by the park but uh i'm by the park but the point of

matter is um before i before i ask you about um babysitting my child i do have to tell you um what

happened last time um i got a babysitter um okay okay last time i got a babysitter there was a bit

of an incident but she's fine now she has like full full mobility of her legs um she's fine uh

but you do have to watch him because he does like to try to use the car thinks he's a race car driver

but just keep the keys away from him oh she likes but she's she's 12 right yes he's 12 um but she

likes to try to he likes to try to use the car but uh you gotta you gotta keep her away because

he kind of um he almost he didn't hit the last babysitter but he he glanced the last one yeah

Yeah, but she's fine now.

She can use both her legs now.

She's fine.

Okay.

Yeah.

Also, there is Samantha.

Samantha might be over.

She's my half-daughter.

But she might be over.

She probably will.

Let me look at my calendar.

Oh, you'll have Samantha.

She's seven.

She's really nice, except for, you know how, if you've watched the History Channel, how they have all those documentaries on Vietnam.

Well, Samantha loves to build tunnels.

and so you gotta keep her out of the backyard

unless you're out there with her

quiet

so how much does it cost

off the phone

dad I have to tell you what Sam just did

what did your sister do

she just dug up my room again

and she keeps talking nonsense about

creepers and endermen

well just throw something down there at her she'll be fine

yeah so how much does it cost

for um for an hour

I'm sorry how much does it cost

for an hour

I'm charging $15.

$15, really?

Yes.

Well, it's cheaper than the prostitute I hired to watch my kids.

Yeah, but no, I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

She was just a dancer.

But no, you do have to watch her, though, because like my, yeah.

Be careful.

Keep the keys away.

Keep her out of the back door.

Dad.

What?

I have, I have, I have, oh, shut up, stupid man on the phone.

Dad, I have Flint and Stone.

I have Flint and Stone, so where do you keep the TNT?

I'll put that down with her.

I'll show that bitch to take my place.

We don't have TNT anymore.

Why not?

Because of what happened.

With the last babysitter?

No, with your mother.

Oh, yeah, mommy.

So $15 an hour.

That bitch deserved it.

Yeah, don't use that young language.

I'm sorry, what?

Three hours, right?

Three hours, yes.

Okay.

Also, you have to be careful.

Don't let anyone in the house.

It's basically easy.

Don't let anyone in the house, especially my ex-wife.

She's crazy.

She did try to take both the children with her to Puerto Rico.

Very nasty incident.

I can tell you the TSA does not like to chase down planes.

Anyway, point of the matter is, so it's $15 an hour.

Keep her away from the car.

So, no questions, any questions, comments, concerns?

concerns uh well i'm gonna need to see a child before i make my decision you're gonna need to

see them i can't just make decision over the phone they're like you know you don't know me i don't

know you we need we need to know each other first don't you think well well what i was thinking is

that um i go by your house give you the keys you go over to my house and then i come back after

for three hours.

Okay, when do you need me to, uh...

When do you need me to, uh...

Today?

In, uh, in...

No, no, no.

In next week.

It's gonna be really easy.

I'll give you the keys.

Dad!

Go to the house.

Let yourself in.

Um...

There shouldn't be any problem anymore.

Daddy?

What?

Sam won't stop poking my pet cat.

The horsey cat you got me.

She won't stop poking him.

It's just a cat.

It'll be fine.

No, it's not just a cat.

It's a horsey cat, goddamn you.

it's fine like i said i'll give you the keys you go over um you shouldn't need anything although

um i don't think you need knee pads anymore um we trained him not to hit uh i'll hide the baseball

bat so they won't get you with that he likes to hit the guests with baseball bats you should have

seen the last thanksgiving oh my god that was terrible this year though i got smart i hit it

and i also locked the knife drawer okay admittedly they never they never cut anything they just kind

Kind of slashed was more of the adjective, the adverb.

No, but I would like to know about your qualifications.

Are you CPR certified?

No, I'm not.

You're not?

What about, do you know any first aid, stab wounds, knife wounds, bludgeoning?

I've done it to myself.

You bludgeon yourself too?

Cool, we have that in common.

Get off the phone, damn it.

Off the phone or you'll go back in a forever closet.

She fell?

Yes.

I'll shoot you again, Dad.

Don't make me do it like last week.

I bet your toes still hurt.

Swear to God, you will go in the forever closet.

Not the forever closet.

No, I'm sorry.

I'm going to my room now.

Yes, stay in the room.

Okay, so you're not CPR certified.

You know a bit of first aid.

So let's say, I like to give you a hypothetical scenario and you tell me what happens.

Okay, let's say you arrive at my house and Samantha has dug a tunnel under the fence into the neighbor's yard.

and is trying to drag the neighbor's dog through it, what would you do?

I'm sorry, can you repeat that again, please?

Okay, if you come home and my daughter

has dug a hole in the

backyard in the short time that I've been there

and is pulling the neighbor's dog through, what would you do?

Make it a dog.

It's a chihuahua.

If you beat her, can I help?

No, you don't.

No, you don't hit your sister.

My sister's a slut.

No, she's not a slut, she's seven.

Yeah, her and Tommy kissed

on the playground.

ground yeah sure they did anyway it's a neighbor it's neighbor's dog right yeah the neighbor's dog

don't you have like a fence we do have a fence she digs under the fence oh how did the dog get

into your house she dug under the fence and she's pulling it through normally what i do is i just

take the dog and hurl it over the side that usually works but the neighbors don't like it

when the dog hits the window so oh but uh anyway oh also no boys in the house of course when my

My daughter and son are there.

No other children.

They have a tendency to lock them in their forever closet.

Oh, the forever closet.

That reminds me.

If they're bad, feel free to lock them in the forever closet.

It's the one with the...

It has the reddish stain kind of on the side.

It's filled with mirrors

so they have to look at themselves.

You just lock them in there.

You don't have to use the cuffs

because it's really hard to get them into them.

Besides that, it should be fine.

No, don't put them in the forever closet.

closet. You won't be in there.

No. Okay, why don't

we make an appointment? Sure.

Only Sammy

goes in the forever closet.

I go in the wardrobe.

Leave them out.

I'm sorry, what's your name again?

Richard.

Why don't we

show up in person and

we can see each other.

Do you know where the northeast industrial

plant is?

Um, well, you know, you can, you can text me, uh, you can text me your address, so, um, you know, I have, um, Wi-Fi.

Uh, okay, I'll text you, I'll text you my address.

Okay.

Okay, I'll reach it.

Okay, just meet me at the industrial park, okay, bye.

Okay, thanks.

A severe lack of English makes that hysterical.

Oh my god.

You sounded like a body.

This is a little scary.

Wow.

Oh, great.

This is a loving babysitter in Long Beach, Cali.

Oh, Long Beach.

This will be perfect.

Yes.

Oh, God.

I think that was one of my favorite calls ever.

I'm going to be honest.

I've been wanting to use the forever closet for a while now.

Minecraft references, forever closets, violent children.

That had it all.

Jesus Christ.

I just threw the dog back, but they don't like it hitting the window.

Oh, my God.

Oh.

I have a great one for this.

I have a great one.

Alright, alright.

I guess.

Hello?

Patty, I'm sorry I missed your call.

If you need to reach me immediately-

Like, 30 seconds for her fucking voicemail to start.

That's a damn bitch.

Down my list, here's a cheap Xbox 360 games in Honolulu.

I don't know.

Northridge Cali Babysitter.

Give me babysitters I'm gonna call as a child and say that my parents are passed out drunk

and I need someone to make sure they don't throw up and die.

cool and uh it's almost five o'clock so yay hashtag horsey cat 2013

okay um let's see working out super numbers hey should i read this craigslist ad that i had

posted and i have numbers for it you can see if there's any premises you can work around that

So I got a lot of crazy replies from people. I'll call this Xbox one now. We'll get horsey cat the video game. Yeah

Tell how you just need an Xbox to watch porn

We're not horsey cat does Dallas

list jesus christ all right all right i'm gonna call uh this guy that responded to uh yeah turbo

you should go ahead and uh put that craigslist ad in the irc if you're listening so other people

can see who what kind of people these are that we're calling so yeah okay calling one of those

numbers though and i'm gonna talk to them about the ghost of horsey cat that is haunting me

hello hello hi hi um you responded to my dad's ad about the haunted stuff going on about the who

about the paranormal stuff going on i'm talking to john i need to talk to john

hold on a second hurry up hello hello who are you looking for i'm looking for john in houston

Okay, can you hold on one second?

Hurry up.

Hello?

Hurry up.

I need to talk to John.

Talk to the phone.

Kyle's invited us up here in normal time.

Hello?

Hey, is this John?

Yes.

Hey, my name is Kyle.

My dad posted an ad that you responded to.

Yeah.

We're having some crazy shit going on at our house and stuff.

Okay, yeah, I saw that on your post.

How many people live in the house?

Four, currently. Me, my brother Patch, my sister Sammy, and my father. But right now, Sammy is at my mom's house, and my dad's over there fighting with them. So, that's why he wanted me to call.

Okay, okay, okay, I got you. Well, I'll tell you what, what area of town do you guys live in?

I don't know. I don't really live here that often. I'm 18, so I have my own home, and we just moved here like four months ago, so I don't actually live here.

okay so um are you guys from houston um no we're from california actually okay so where um let's

see here okay okay so how long have you guys been in houston um my father's lived in this house for

like four months with my brother and sister okay okay um i guess he said that you knew kind of

you had experience and i should tell you what's going on though yeah i mean i've i've been called

in on on um somewhat of a exorcism type situation and then um i've dealt with a paranormal situation

as far as uh a film project that some some people here in houston that i know yeah yeah uh were

prepping for and that was going to be taking place over in india so i do have a little bit

of knowledge and some experience with it but i would need to uh get a little background on

on what all is going on well has been going on also yeah okay okay what time would your dad be

back around um i'm not sure like right now he's over at my mother's arguing with her

something about like how he blames her that horsey cat has taken over that's what he's calling this

ghost thing that he thinks it is because uh he said he's calling it what horsey cat he said he

saw it and it looked like it was like a horse half cat type deal okay so he's blaming your mom

he's saying that uh she cheated on him like with a black guy before i was okay and that it's kind

of that symbolicism that like you know she's the cat and he's the black guy so together right they

they were gay a horsey cat a cat with a black dick basically like there you go okay okay yeah

um that's why you're seeing this thing so he's over there yelling at her and i mean they've

have been fighting lately he like punched he's only and he's only been there in that house for

months that he's been seeing this yes huh okay yeah i can um i mean i definitely could help out

with it what i would probably want to know is uh well i mean i don't know how to get rid of

horsey cats though like i don't even know what the hell a horsey cat is i mean that's kind of

right we're having here we have to get rid of a ghost horsey cat yeah yeah yeah it has to be

you know that way what i would need to do is find out what area of town you guys live in

uh speak with your dad and i guess see what his particular budget is um so we could negotiate my

my particular fees and go from there bel-air yo huh bel-air okay you're in bel-air yes okay good

deal you're in bel-air um okay so you're in bel-air the only other thing like i said would

have to do i would have to do is just get a little bit uh more in depth on the background

crown um you know either from you finding out or from your dad and um i will probably have to set

up a time to meet you guys uh i do an initial uh down payment help hi hi i'm on the other line i'm

his brother patch yeah oh hi i i'm kind of into the paranormal thing i'm kind of the one who

convinced my dad to put this up online um i can kind of tell you like when this all kind of started

okay well okay well i was at this girl i was on ebay and i bought um a pen that was supposed to

belong to elizabeth's short and i brought that and once it arrived here all this weird stuff

started to happen it was all it was all kind of crazy but um nah like then because like i collect

all kinds of weird stuff with all kinds of psychic energies and i think that i've just got too much

psychic energy in one place and that i've like opened up a portal to another dimension maybe

and like ghosts are coming through right yeah i think that might be it but what i was learning

is i've tried to get them out with a bunch of different things like i tried doing the whole

lobster thing i tried bleach nothing's getting these ghosts out okay yeah that's that's that's

where i come in in a little bit of a different sense and a different nature opposed to your

typical remedies if you will yeah i've even tried using um nether bricks and those i'm sorry i've

even tried using nether bricks and those haven't worked okay yeah yeah that's that's gonna have to

go a little bit deeper uh like i say which is which is a little deeper into a totally different

uh spiritual realm do you think if i use some redstone it might work some redstone yeah you

think if i use some redstone that maybe if i built like some kind of capacitor redstone thing that

it would work uh it's a possibility but like i say the majority of of from my ground i go in from a

little deeper realm as far as having a totally different spiritual nature opposed to attempting

remedies because you have to have a totally different uh base if you will when you're

attempting to attack and remove certain things okay do you are going to use like some endermen

maybe bring in some endermen also i want to know uh you use voodoo magic or do you use like um

The good Christian kind.

Really neither of those.

Like I say, it's a totally different spiritual realm that I have.

And it comes from knowledge of what needs to go, what has been going on,

which your brother told me about the horsey cat thing and so forth.

It's like my dad even wrote a song about it yesterday.

And, I mean, he's been, like, obsessively ranting it under his breath for the last day.

uh-huh cat horsey cat you're delicious you smell like fishes and you have a big

that's he's been saying that for like six i'm beginning to think he might be possessed

i'm starting to think so too is it possible that the horsey cat like took over his his body he's

very being and forced out his soul okay and this has been going on you said for the like the

complete four months or so yeah about that okay now what is what is the mom's take in all of this

what is her stance are your parents together still married or divorced or separated or what

well my mom thinks it's because of some indian bones she has but i think that's kind of crazy

i mean what can indian bones do um yeah she also thinks it might have something she's gypsy so

she's like oh no it's kind of bizarre very okay your mother's gypsy yeah okay and then that's

why i say are they together still married or separated or divorced oh it's kind of in between

yeah see my mom's just a huge whore so it's kind of like a polyamorous relationship but my dad

but they don't live together no no they don't okay okay um let's see now since the whole white

power incident okay and you guys have been in houston for how long like i said a couple months

couple months okay yes okay yeah i'm gonna have to uh hey um would you like to talk to one of my

parents actually huh would you like to talk to one of my parents yeah i would love to speak with

one of them see i heard the family's ford ranger pull up so i think someone's here okay yeah i

would really love to talk with your dad um in that sense of getting started with anything yeah

no the ranger just pulled up so you know okay yeah so i mean if i just talk to your dad that

That would be fantastic in that sense.

One of my parents is here, though, so I'll go ahead and take the phone outside.

Okay.

Yeah, hey, hey, do you want to talk to this guy?

Here, hold on, phone problems.

Let me see this.

This is being weird on me.

It's like my phone might be possessed by this horsey cat thing.

No, no.

Oh, boy.

Okay.

I can't see.

I don't think it's picking up.

Uh, my parents just arrived, though.

My mom and my dad.

And you can't hear them in the background, can you?

They're arguing.

No.

It's weird. I don't know.

It's like maybe it's possessed by a horsey cat.

Wait, what if they're not actually there and I'm just hallucinating?

Like, because of the horsey cat.

What if I'm thinking?

That's ridiculous.

I don't know. I'm confused.

Patch, help me, friend.

Okay, yeah, that's what I'm saying.

I'm going to have to talk to one of the parents, probably your dad, since he's been seeing it more also, to get a little better background or feeling of what is at hand here.

Hold on.

I'm going to go ahead and I think you'll be able to hear my dad in a second.

Okay.

I think he's a little drunk, you know, like a PhD.

He's really good at drinking, so we call him Drunk PhD.

Who is that?

Oh, you're that?

Yeah, my dad.

I'm gonna give the phone to him dad dad here's the phone are you okay dad oh my

god sir yeah my dad's eyes are all glazed over and he keeps mumbling to

himself that song horse cat horse holy crap what's going on he sir he just he's

taking his hands and he's signing things and I don't sign language but he's like

Like, flailing his arms about.

Oh, you're that?

Yeah.

How do I help him?

I'm not sure what's going on.

Uh, yeah, he's probably taking in too much of...

He's probably taking the thought process in on too much.

Okay, um, let's see.

Is he out in the front of the house right now?

No, no, he's in the house, but he's not saying anything.

He's being all quiet, and he's, like, moving his lips.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, hello.

Shit.

Hello, is this the paranormal expert?

hi yeah hello my dad needs help hello hello can you help me with this normal thing my son's told

me i needed to i needed to take care of this horsey cat thing i i don't believe in it i'm an

atheist i don't i don't believe in any of this paranormal shit but i mean if i can get this

weird thing out of here i just okay what is what is what is that uh what is that that the that

That voice, is that what you're hearing, or is that you?

Horsey cat, horsey cat.

I don't know.

I hear it.

I don't know if I'm saying it anymore.

I've had a fever for like a hundred and three for the past two days, and the horsey cat is just...

I'm just delirious.

Yeah.

Horsey cat, horsey cat, you're delicious, and smell like fishes, and your cock is huge.

horsey cat

do you know how to get rid of this horsey cat

my gypsy wife

pressed my face and was like

horsey cat

and I don't know things have been

weird ever since

I knew I should have never married that gypsy

horsey cat

I am the spirit of horsey cat

possessing this child

are you able to come to our bell air address

I'm sorry

are you able to come to our bell air address

yeah what's the phone number where i can get where i can call you and get your address

um i don't know i've had a few for the past three days i don't even really remember my name very

much i am a horsey cat and i shall take over the i've been drunk for the past like three days on

nyquil and liquor and delicious everclear and grain alcohol i've just been drinking

ethanol to make this horsey cat go away i think i might be losing my sight i think my son might

Might have put isopropyl alcohol in there.

Not really sure, though.

It might have been the horsey cat, though.

I don't know.

I don't know what to believe in anymore.

Okay, so what's the phone number where I can contact you guys?

Yeah, the number, I guess, 713-319-6324.

Sir, why are you trying to get rid of me?

Don't these people love me?

Because I am the spirit of the horsey cat.

I've taken over this young boy.

Okay, what was the phone number again?

713319

319

6324

6384

Horseycat

Number one toy in stock

Okay whoever that is singing

I need them to be quiet I cannot hear

I am the spirit of the Horseycat

I have possessed this young child

I am the Horseycat

I'm sick of your shit son

I am the Horseycat

You're going in the forever closet

Yeah, yeah, we're going to put that boy in the Forever Closet with the mirror and the pentagrams.

It's the only way to keep him trapped.

The blood sacrifice.

Okay, 713-319-63...

I taste like fishes, and I have a big horse genitalia.

Yeah, yeah.

For I am the spirit of the horsey cat.

I'm going to draw the pentagram on the wall and seal you in with the salt.

Horsey cat, horsey cat, I'm delicious.

I like how only towards the end did it become unbelievable.

Yeah, yeah, only at that point.

Sorry, I was miked for, like, the first, like, couple minutes there.

I had no idea that I was sitting through.

I like how it's, like, possession of everything else that works, except for telephones.

Yeah, he was like, yeah, no, it's not the phone.

The phone couldn't possibly be possessed, because I'm a possession expert.

for it. Your father, however,

definitely possessed. Your father, however,

is totally possessed. Yeah, seriously.

Okay, so I'm going to try

again to get xbonkers

slash Aaron slash Trevor

onto the shows, but I

have to hang up on a few people.

Thanks for having me, guys.

Yeah, peace. Thank luck. Bye.

No problem. Bye.

But yeah, I don't know. I can only have

four people, five tops

on at a time when my Skype gets all

niggardly. I believe that's the proper

or uh term niggardly seems legit yes all right calling back hello hi welcome yeah the ambient

noise isn't too bad i can deal yeah goddamn cats those damn horsey cats menaces i tell you

jay jones and jameson should be writing about them instead of spider-man you know yeah all right

i want to call another possessed like another uh house possession people let's do that i'm

I'm just going to steal the plot from some shitty movie.

Alright, sweet.

So just start a new movie.

I'm going to find the plot for the others, and then we can just read off the Wikipedia page.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

5-0.

Damn it.

Bad people.

We have a serious problem here.

Jesus.

Our possessions.

Yeah, seriously.

Alright, we're calling Mark in Las Vegas now.

Mark is in Vegas.

Probably getting crazy and shit.

Oh, yeah, that's my horsey cat picture.

That's what a horsey cat looks like.

Legit.

They're not shopping, that's the problem.

They're hitting the Black Friday specials at the voodoo store.

Yeah, seriously.

Their eczema-sisms.

Ram, are you going to actually do a call?

Like, why are you in here?

I'm recording.

Please leave your message for me.

Yeah, so is Mixler, Ram.

This is how you call it even, Mixler.

But you don't know how to record things.

I know this from past attempts.

Mixler is...

i perfected it i perfected it you asshole how did you perfect it you show up at like one show a year

when did you train your recording abilities when i set it up okay this is a number that i'm gonna

have a lot of fun with this is dory um claims to be a spiritual warrior and uh i want to get the

email for that in here um turbo in the background huh okay um oh turbo bad turbo bad turbo

okay but yeah this lady i'm gonna have turbo get the email for you guys to read sorry i just wanted

to make a brief appearance say hello everyone i gotta leave now though usually okay hi okay so

i'm gonna call that one after the email has gotten here's brandy she's not important but

the email for brandy or i mean dory is amazing though so i want that red

Hello? You responded to my brother's ad about the house situation in Houston?

Um, I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah, no, I need to, this is important, okay? I need to talk to Brandy.

Okay.

Are you Brandy?

Yes, I am. Now, what's going on?

You responded to the ad.

What ad is it?

That my brother placed looking for someone experienced with paranormal stuff.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah, my brother, Patch, released that.

My brother's actually on the line.

He can tell you what's been going on.

I would love to hear about this.

Yeah, what's going on?

So, Patch, you there, bro?

Yeah, I'm on the other line.

Okay, cool.

What's going on?

Well, it's the most bizarre thing.

We've had all, like, these voices that seem to be coming from nowhere.

Like, you'll walk out of the room, and you'll hear something like the TV turn on.

You'll go back in, and it'll be off.

yeah or the or the car will start randomly that's really weird and and my records i have

a record collection and you randomly play like the whole thing will randomly play and i'm not

sure why the whole record collection the whole record collection wow and the microwave the

microwave will randomly add minutes not sure why at all just randomly will go up like i'll put it

on popcorn for two minutes next thing i know it's set for 85 and see i can't we can't like

just completely leave the house because i have a rare skin condition right and touched by direct

sunlight it hurts me oh my god so you're you're stuck in the town yeah oh my gosh

gosh um and our dad was like that's some bizarre stuff i've got i've got a friend and they like i

said on my ad or when i responded to y'all um i have a friend and they were like on ghost hunters

and stuff like that which i don't know if that means anything to you but they that's what they

do they do stuff they try and figure it out here in texas and in the houston area well my dad used

Our dad used to be a ghost hunter, too, but he's off to war.

He's off in Afghanistan somewhere.

So we had, of course, our mother.

Our mother has a bit of a drinking problem.

Right.

So it's very bizarre.

That is so bizarre.

Our mom, Grace, just pretty much thinks our dad's dead already.

Wow.

So she doesn't even care about him anymore.

Right, right.

And your dad used to do this, right?

And what got him into it, did something happen to him?

Well, when he was a kid, he had a nanny who died, and then he claims that she still visits him.

Yeah.

Okay.

Wow.

It's really weird.

Does she visit in dreams or in spirit?

No, straight up in spirit form.

He'll be in the house, and he'll be like, oh, she was here.

her she was here just and he sees her just plain as day and so that's what this is really bizarre

i've never heard of a minute added i've never even seen that i've heard a lot of it's like

my sister still sees this boy too on my sister ann she says that there's this boy named victor

that comes and visits her and i've never seen him but she was talking to him in front of me and it

was scary and she said it was after it was victor well see she's nine but the problem i have with

that is that i was asking because that's actually better when children see because yes but victor's

dead though he died three weeks ago and he's been visiting my sister for two so it's really strange

So she, wow, and everybody knows, does it all go to the funeral?

Does the nine-year-old know about the funeral?

Yeah, she was there, and she claimed to be playing hide-and-seek.

Wow.

Now, okay, does the family watch a lot of these ghost huntings and the ghost, all this stuff?

Or does the nine-year-old, because a lot of the nine-year-olds, okay, well then.

She usually just spends her time with Mr. Edmund, the gardener.

okay yeah and uh or like she learned sign language from lydia the maid or i mean it's helping miss

bertha clean so right so well it's it's better when children because they they can see more and

they can hear more for some odd reason i think because yes they they actually can't more than

And adults.

That's crazy.

How come I haven't seen anyone?

The reason being adults, I think, second-guess ourselves when we hear something or when we see something.

We're like, oh, that's not really there.

Children don't know how to second-guess themselves yet.

So, therefore, they interact and they can see and they can hear like it's right there.

And, you know, when I was young, that happened to me.

And so that's how I knew that, you know, something was different, definitely different.

And I kept telling my parents when I was young, and they're like, oh, something's wrong, and no, this isn't right.

Well, my dad passed away eight years ago, and he still comes.

I don't care.

So my mom shouldn't be, like, beating my sister for this because she says she's a liar and punishes her.

No, no, no, no.

No, not at all.

all because she's telling the truth um she she's got to be telling the truth the next time she

sees him or is playing with him um have her get some sort of information that there's no

way that she would know maybe um oh okay mom was telling me yesterday about uh she was like

in this mist and she saw my dad who looks a lot like the 11th doctor totally okay and your dad's

still alive though yeah but see he's not here right right he's in afghanistan yeah and we've

and i've tried taking pictures of when she's supposedly seeing the ghost but of course all

i see is like the film's always ruined there you go there is definitely something in your home

When pictures, that was the next question.

Pictures, they can tell you everything.

When there is a, it looks like cigarette smoke in the back, or it's formed around someone's head, or it looks like it's exposed, or maybe the film just didn't even turn out.

Then, yes, you've got some paranormal, a lot of paranormal activity.

Where are y'all located?

Let me find, let me get the pen.

We're at the Hollywood Apartments.

we're at the hollyview apartments on uh hollyview drive and uh what's the zip code uh 77091

77091 and you live in an apartment number uh 211

brother brother the horsey cat's back too oh god yeah we also have um well he keeps

claiming that he's seen a um like this bizarre cat thing yeah it goes around the courtyard

yard i'm not i don't personally believe it i think that's crazy that an animal could come back but

well you know a lot of people they they do think that's crazy but for some reason they do animals

when they are attached to something something that they love more than anything in their life

then they can't come back they're not ready to go it's not their problem right if okay so if

something dies and it's not ready to go what if and this is a big what if what if we're really

dead because my mom smothered us in her sleep and then shot herself and actually victor's real and

lives in this house and we're the dead ones what if we are the dead ones that would be so weird

yeah but that's bizarre that would be very very bizarre it would be very bizarre because that

means that i would be talking to we would all be crazy story yeah do you have the gift to talk to

to the dead is that why you call us um absolutely you're like victor marlish then the one that talks

to my sister because victor marlish can talk to the dead well you know there's lots of people and

it's not just talking to the dead it's the spirits that want to come back and they have something to

say um now there are there are big differences okay there are there are bad demons out there

They're a bad spirit.

I mean, just very negative.

And they can harm you.

Yes, they can.

There have been...

What?

That was awkward.

People have come home, and their refrigerators are completely distraught.

There's food all over the house.

There's markings on their walls pointing to directions to where they're coming through,

and those are called portals.

Like a nether portal?

Yeah, it's like a portal.

It can be a mirror.

It could be a fireplace.

Usually it's like a mirror, or maybe there's a door.

Or it could be your closet door.

Or it could be, it's a portal where they can go in and back through.

And usually if it's a portal like that, if it's open, if there's been like seances or...

That's what I'm wondering because, I mean, we had a Ouija board in here during Halloween,

but I want to get rid of the ghost.

So how would I go about doing that?

I've tried like throwing a bleach.

I've tried burning a sage.

Of course, you have to, you know, bless the house and burn the sage through the house.

um you just uh yeah burn the sage walk it through and that should cleanse it now if you have issues

i've done that i've also had like i've had a i've had two priests a rabbi um i've had everyone you

could possibly imagine in here and none of them seem to have been able to get it out holy shit

y'all are going with a lot and this is an apartment that people that they have problems

before do you know are people in this apartment complex having problems now uh no one else seems

I mean, it's really hard to ask neighbors, hey, do you see stuff without looking crazy?

Yeah, it is.

Do you know any of that information?

I've kind of been playing around with neighbors.

I've been like, have you seen something?

And they're like, no, nothing at all.

Right, right.

Well, you know, you may, exactly.

You may have something that you have.

How long did y'all live there?

About three, four years.

We did have a neighbor at one point when we moved in who used to live here who said that she once fought, she once tried to fend off some ghost, but she also took a bunch of acid in the 60s, so we're not quite sure.

Okay. Well, okay. Now, that could be, that could definitely be, you know, not the acid as well, you know. I'm trying to think. There may be a personal item of y'all that is making this entity mad, very mad.

bad, or once you've gone for a reason, they feel like it's their place, and a lot of bad

entities, that's what happens.

They claim that area is theirs, and they'll do whatever it takes for people to leave.

Like, what are bad entities?

Well, the bad entities are the ones that you feel them touch you.

You're like, what the hell is that?

You know, they touch you, they can scratch you in the middle of the night.

Oh, no.

Yes, you will see marks on your body.

I mean, you'll see it.

You'll feel it.

Yes, those are bad.

Those are the ones that once you've gone and there's nothing you can do other than leave.

That's it.

And burn the place down.

And still, you probably won't fix it.

Nobody knows why this happens, but just to leave it alone and let them do their thing, that's it.

Him or her.

And I always say him because that entity is usually a man, and I hate to say that, but it is.

Guys are bad. I know.

Now, there have been instances where there are women where they are very territorial,

and that area and that home, you can't go there because that was their home, and it's just like that.

and it's so hard to explain it because that's what's called the unexplained because it's so

hard to explain you know ma'am ma'am yes i don't know what's happening but the phone

is like messing up yeah i hear that what if we get disconnected oh hey my brother can drive us

and we can meet somewhere and we could all talk about this and maybe you could help us

like a store or something um it won't be today and i hate to say that i have i have to get my

babies to sleep and all of that and get a

baby. Did you say that y'all had

animals as well and they were acting

weird? Used to. Yeah. We used

to have a cat and we used to have

a horse in the pasture

and so now it's like I keep seeing

this horsey cat thing which is like

both of them combined. Okay.

Y'all hear that? Hear what?

What? Are you screeching

sound? No. No, I heard like a scratching

but not a screeching. Wait, I hear it now.

i still don't hear anything i'm scared i want to get off the phone can you meet us

yeah y'all give me a call back um meet us yeah give me a call back i'm losing

i can't really hear y'all now wait okay we'll call you back

Oh my gosh, it's like, Farrah Bennett, she lost it.

Stole a soundtrack from a Vincent Price film and she lost her shit.

No, we don't hear that. Weird stuff can happen as a blind.

It's the ghost.

Get it before it rolls away.

So the other's premise was enticing.

We know what movie she hasn't seen now.

sure i don't think i said anything that wasn't from that movie yeah i just updated it oh god

yeah seriously okay i'm saving that number for i guess me and jayad sometime in the future

i'm sure he'll love that the phone and all their crazies he totally believed every bit of it too

oh i know dory's gonna be like crazy did you guys read that that i put in there or turbo put in that

Kitty, she's a spirit warrior.

She's gonna be the same fucking way, I'm betting.

Battles ghosts.

Like, supernatural television series types.

Oh, no.

She's like, I don't believe in ghosts.

I believe in demons.

And demons take the shape of, you know, whatever.

It's insane.

Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and call that for now.

Wanna do another movie promise?

I gotta get going.

Alright, alright.

That's cool.

How long are you hosting for?

Come on until 7.

uh then i'll probably call back all right cool see ya hi you've reached dory i'm preoccupied

at the moment that is fighting warriors of armies and shit okay so i have some uh you know like

i don't know best buy or no kmart actually want to do some kmart calls with me sure nobody shops

at kmart those should those should be easy yeah that's what i figured when i got them

Alright, call Ram's number first

What number is that for, Ram?

Random? No

I'm not just calling a random number

What is wrong with you?

Thank you for calling Kmart, how can I help you?

Oh yeah, hi, I was wondering how you were

Hello? Wow

What a ho, let's try that again

Thank you for calling Kmart, how can I help you?

Oh yeah, can I have the toy department please?

Toys? Yeah

Okay, hold on please

I don't know, hang up on it and call back to the front desk, this is boring

Sorry, Tabachi just sent me a file of numbers

Hi, everyone.

Thank you for calling.

Can I help you?

Yeah, hi.

I'm looking for a specific product.

It's supposed to be covered by your Black Friday sale?

Uh-huh.

It's My Little Horsey Cat.

Okay.

Do you have that in stock?

Let me check.

One moment, okay?

All right, sure.

Sleep is for the weak, everyone.

I didn't have to sleep.

I'm still awake.

You misspelled weak.

Yeah, I did.

That did happen.

I'm stupid.

Jesus.

I don't know.

I don't correct myself on IRC, usually.

I'm a dummy.

Okay, this isn't working.

Hi, how you been, Hal?

Yeah, well, I was just looking for my little horsey cat

and seeing how many you had in stock.

Okay, what is it again?

Can you repeat that again?

My little horsey cat?

My little horsey cat.

Right, it looks like a cat with horse hooves,

and you can style it and get diseases from it.

Okay, let me double-check,

because I know we have something like with horses,

but I don't think it's like that.

Let me just double-check, okay?

Alright.

Bye.

We're gonna fuck up.

Dial it and get diseases from it.

That bitch just hung up on us.

She did.

Yeah.

Wow.

I already have been called a dillard.

No.

We're calling Famous Footwear Outlet.

And then we're calling the amazing X Bonkers Security Numbers.

Stolen by the totally secure X Bonkers Security Company.

How do I get you to protect my house, Aaron, Trevor?

uh give me a 45 uh case of 40s and 100 bucks all right got it paypal you those

this is deborah how can i help you uh hello hello this is deborah from the footwear how can i help

you yeah hi um me and my parents were in there earlier yeah and uh when we were in there i was

trying to get the uh new horsey cat shoes they're part of the new horsey cat franchise and you guys

sold me some knockoff ones i'm really freaking angry like why would you do that to me i don't

know exactly what you're talking about i don't even know what brand brand you're talking about

you've never heard of my little horsey cat i have not my little horsey cat have you heard

no horsey cat's the number one hot item for kids this year it's it's the stuffed animal that's

half horse half cat and has like a big stuffed horse penis it's the first anatomically correct

toy ever to children and there's a shoe of it where you know it's like the laces are actually

see on each side there's like a horsey cat and the laces are actually the horsey cat's penises

and you tie the penises together to tie your shoes and that's the idea it's the horsey cat

you haven't heard the commercials hello i'm still here but i have not the commercial to bring

anything back that you bought that you need to return but other than that that's all i have

You have a great day.

Thank you.

I need to talk to a manager.

Manager now.

I am a manager, sir.

Then I need to talk to an employee that goes around the store and not someone who just sits on their butt.

Because the horsey cat is popular.

You have to know what I'm talking about.

I do not.

Just bring back what you got.

We'll be fine.

Thank you, sir.

You haven't heard?

No.

You don't hang up on me.

No one hangs up on me.

Don't hang up on Kyle.

You don't hang up on Kyle Lexington, damn it.

All right.

Whatever.

Look.

You could be my angry parent.

Penises.

That's a word now.

Thank you, Constance.

We're out with this.

Deborah, how may I help you?

Yeah, you hung up on me.

Sir, yes, I told you to bring back...

I'm 12.

Stop being mean to me.

I'm only 12.

There's nothing I can do, sir, but you bring back...

Stop trying to hurt my feelings.

I just want a horsey cat.

Maybe if Lizzy...

Lizzy!

I'm busy, too.

You're ruining my day.

No.

Bad lady.

Bad.

I have nothing else to go...

That's going to work out.

Yeah, I hope she likes me.

I don't think so either.

Want to call those Facebook numbers and do some tech stuff?

I got Facebook numbers.

I got Craigslist ads.

They're older bits, but they still check out.

And there's Goodwill stores.

We can call and ask what their Black Friday specials are.

Yes, let's do that.

Throw some numbers in.

We'll use my dialing machine to bring my Stargates activation into it.

I've been listening since Carlylo started.

I'm about done with pranks, too.

Stupid pranks.

Hello?

Thank you for calling Goodwill.

Can I hold for just a second?

Sure.

No, I can't hold.

Didn't even wait for an answer.

How may I help you?

Hello?

Oh, yeah.

Hello?

How may I help you?

Um, well, you can help me by telling me what your Black Friday prices are.

We don't have any Black Friday specials.

Why not?

It's Goodwill.

Yeah, so?

Shouldn't you be good and willful and have Black Friday specials like everyone else?

My dad...

I'm sorry that we don't.

Is there something I can help you with?

But I don't live near any of the good stores.

My dad said he would only take me to this one.

We already have low prices, so, I mean.

How much are your stuff then?

It depends on what you get.

I want toys. I want the horsey cat.

You'd have to come look at the price, sir.

But can't you look for me?

I'm sure someone there knows what it is.

It's in the...

If you'll hold on for just a second.

Thank you.

Tell her she doesn't want to help you because she knows you're white.

Yeah.

Horsey cat.

yeah thanks a lot hello i'm drinking peps and i like horsey cat horsey cat

yeah i'm gonna say that thanks a lot who's playing the dog eyes like the whole music

yeah yeah they actually they use the uh they use the radio stations down there this is in austin

they use the radio stations for their whole music in goodwill because it's free wow i'm gonna believe

that whether that's true or not well no it's true nice way to get monies for awesome complaints

i think she might not be looking oh gee you think

spa i'm gonna go in with you on the chikat com site yeah i'll help you make it we own

horseycat.com now yay the pla and madhouse community owns it i made a picture of the

the horsey cat awesome expo i sent it to you on skype but you're not on skype so you can't see it

i don't want the hep c with my horsey cat in my little horsey cat shoes i want the chlamydia ones

there's a warning on the horsey cat thing that it gives like 43 stds if you use the product

properly yeah make a better horsey cat picture though more cartoony and childish that's just

That's what I imagine a real one would look like.

God, I don't think she's looking.

Call her back.

You think holding can stop me?

Thanks, Kronka.

Well, this is Jessica.

How may I help you?

Hi.

You weren't looking for my horsey cat.

Hold on.

I'm still waiting on somebody because I'm the only one here.

Okay.

Maybe you'll know what I'm talking about if I sing you the theme song.

No, sir.

I don't need you to do that.

Horsey cat, horsey cat, you're delicious.

You smell like fish and you have...

Is there something else I can help you with?

Yeah, a horsey cat and his horsey cock.

I want horsey cat.

oh that's pretty much ended it yeah it did uh i was gonna call her a racist too but uh

i don't know she wasn't finding my horsey cat no i'm gonna check out this car yeah that's what i

said horsey cat horsey cat you smell delicious i thought it was your delicious okay changing

smell delicious tastes like fishes and you have a big cock or huge cock or long cock yeah

Call that number.

I'm going to.

814-RAP.

All right, sweet.

Yeah, do you want to explain the horsey cat to someone?

No, I got to check on this car.

All right, sweet.

Then you can explain horsey cat.

Okay.

Hello?

Hello, yeah, I'm calling about the car.

The pink hybrid?

Yeah, the pink hybrid.

Yes.

Yeah, the pink hybrid.

How many miles are on that?

Pink hybrid, no, you got the wrong number.

No, it's a pink car.

It's got a 6.9 hybrid battery in it, 125 watts.

No, it's the Barbie car.

Well, I don't care if it's pink or if it's for girls or anything.

My wife is looking for a car, just a beater, to replace hers while it's in the shop.

That's the right price for her to get back and forth to work.

No, sir, it's a toy car.

I'm looking at a full-size pink sedan right now.

Oh, no, they must have the wrong number on there then.

This is the hybrid and eerie, right?

at 814-232-0034.

That's his number, but the car, are you on Craigslist?

Yeah, yeah, the Erie Craigslist, yep.

Yeah, the car that's on there is a 6.9 volt, 2.5 miles an hour.

Oh, it says 25 miles per hour to 90 miles per hour.

I think you got your ad wrong then.

It was in under cars.

Oh, yeah, they must have got it wrong then,

because this is a toy car for a toddler ages 3 to 5.

Well, it looks like a full-size pink sedan.

Really?

Yeah.

Did you mess up your pictures or something?

Maybe post your car?

Well, the picture that was taken was in the house next to a heater.

It's in a driveway here.

It's a driveway.

It looks like a pink hybrid.

I don't know.

They must have jammed stuff.

Somebody must have got it and edited it because that's not what I had on there.

Well, I mean, is the pink hybrid in your driveway right now?

Because I'd like to actually look at that.

No, sir.

I don't have a pink hybrid.

I'm sorry.

Well, you shouldn't put lies on Craigslist then.

I mean, you're wasting my time.

I'm just trying to find it.

I don't know if calling up Craigslist ads and asking them about children's toys and

pretending they're real.

Yeah, no, I like that premise.

this i wanted to uh i think i did it on science this morning i called about the uh barbie adventures

in the ghetto like the rape barbie set that went over well so you know it's always fun when you do

children's things and you warp them to your own image things you want oh absolutely you want to

call people with new phone numbers sure yeah let's do that let's be all tech supporty here's

tara this is tara win i scraped these off facebook this afternoon got any ideas for them in

particular i don't know i got their facebooks here if you want to give me an idea uh yeah give

me the link take that it's a number in her fb i guess do you want to start off the call uh i don't

know if i have an idea maybe we could just go with the fact that uh this phone is like a copy

of the phone like it's not an actual phone like i don't know maybe it'll make more sense when i

talk about it i'm broke ontario i wonder what they have there for phone i think they're t-mobile

All right, just call it.

Hello?

Phone right now.

What's your name?

What the fuck is that?

Voicemail.

Oh, God.

What a horrible voice.

All right, it's fine.

I got another one.

Sierra Fields.

Okay, occur on the internet really fast.

Sierra Fields.

Black, so that makes for...

Conson.

What do they have for cell service, Mr. Conson?

Oh, well.

Yeah, I almost had to kill someone earlier.

Science.

Well done.

Hello?

Hi, is this Sierra?

Yeah, this is she.

Yes, this is Kyle.

I'm calling from the phone company.

You just got a new phone number, correct?

It says in our system.

What company?

Is this Sierra Fields at 9-0?

Okay, cool.

Yeah, I'm calling from the phone company.

Oh, okay.

Hold on.

See, what's going on is I'm going to put my associate on the phone.

He's the IT guy here.

And he can kind of tell you what's going on, okay?

Okay.

So, he runs the X Bonkers IT department.

Are you there?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm here.

Okay, cool.

I'll let you tell this lady what's going on while I go get head from Stephanie, that new receptionist.

All right, great.

Is this Sierra Field?

This is she.

Yeah, which version of the cell phone did you get today from us?

I don't have that here in the paperwork.

What are you asking?

Yeah, I'm not seeing which model of the cell phone you got here.

I just see you've got a smartphone.

Or a model.

I'm going to talk to him on CNU.

What model of a smartphone did you get today?

The Samsung S4 Mini.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

There seems to be a problem with those.

There's a number of them that were packaged, and they came in from a company in Taiwan

that doesn't have authorization to manufacture those.

And we can tell by the serial number.

Can you read the serial number on it?

Hold on.

Sure.

Is it on the back of the phone?

It would be under the battery, but you don't want to un-pull the battery because I'm on the phone with you on it right now.

You'd have to, it may be on the box.

Do you still have the box?

You should.

Do you have the box?

Okay.

I know.

I'll go on.

Yeah, I got the box.

Is this your number?

Yeah.

What are the first three digits of that?

Which one?

I have a lot of numbers on this box.

Well, it'll say serial number.

Oh.

Or SN.

Oh, Ashton.

Right.

So, how are things going here?

I'm in my office now.

We're just looking for the serial number right now to verify it, but if she can't find it, she'll just have to come into the store.

Okay, cool, cool.

Would you be able to come into the store in, like, the next half hour?

No, I don't have a way to get there.

Okay, would you be able to make it tomorrow?

Maybe. Hold on. I'm looking at packages.

Hey, man, have you been over down here in customer service, though, man?

Have you used Stephanie yet?

Her services are really good.

Oh, no, not at all.

No?

No, well, you should come over here.

Yeah, because, see, she's helping me with paperwork right now.

She has a box, and is it on the box?

It should be on the label, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

On the side?

Yeah, on the label, yep.

Okay, there's one, two, three.

Saturday, five, number 15 is it, though?

Okay.

What was that?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, that sounds like one of the bad ones.

You might want to bring that in.

Yes, Stephanie.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry.

So, do you have that pin number, ma'am?

The pin number for what?

The serial number.

Yeah, she gave me it, and she's going to need to bring that in.

Okay, nice, nice.

We'll have to replace that.

You can bring it to the cell phone desk at the store and ask for Roy.

Okay.

But I'm confused.

I'm an Oshkosh.

I'm not in California.

have you told her about the hold on hold on uh i'm coming hold on oh yeah have you told her about

the virus yet that we think she has well yeah the the reason that those those cell phones are a

problem um is is because the uh there's a virus going around called the horsey cat mobile virus

and it's infecting it's infecting all those cell phones oh i took this phone today too like like

three hours ago right yeah where did you get that right would you be able to bring it back to the

right back to the store yeah well ask ask for roy and i'll be able to hook you up okay

all right yeah bring in the box and everything and and let them know what the problem is you

know that it's it's one of the fake taiwanese that have the the horsey cat mobile trojan

okay sorry uh stephanie's leaving um sierra actually uh if you come on in here are you

you are you as good at uh paperwork as stephanie is i could get you a deal on your phone i could

get you a whole new one are

you talking to me yeah

yeah you you're sierra isn't that right dummy yeah um i could get you a deal on a whole better phone

too i'll get you a whole new phone you just have to do some paperwork for me no i mean it's not

going to be hard it's like you just come into my office and i pull out the chair and you crawl

under the desk and i go about my day meetings you just kind of hang out under the desk it's

like playing tic-tac-toe but without pens paper and with the penis you're familiar with penises

right no she hung up why didn't she go for that that was reasonable see i don't know why

uh okay next let's see uh it's funny because she's unattractive and her head's like bigger

than my body and i'm gonna go ahead and add uh mr jayad from the phone markers in so we can do some

uh some phoning with us why not yeah he has an idea we're gonna call this turkey line thing

so that should be pretty good you know uh thanksgiving me good i'm doing it stop calling me

you crazy person and welcome to another episode of phone larking i have officially stolen the

psycho show and shut it down early yeah that totally happens no no i thought i would come

oh go ahead oh no i was gonna say for once i have jayad on my show ladies and gentlemen yeah

it's like opposite day yep so now so now he can give me fatherly advice on my life and where i

should go yes um we're gonna switch remember jayad when you go to work you need to pick up a lunch

stray or a bag of sodas and beat up all the accountants find the most important guys in the

whole building go get go get some pops and put them in a sock and beat them with them yes that's

how you're reputation that is how you get everybody knows the way to become a boss is to

the way to become get your boss's position is to kill your boss everybody knows that so it works

out great okay so the reason i i am still on i'll let giant explain his idea here yeah yeah i had

wanted to come on early i would have used it for my show but but apparently and it's been in the

news a lot so some people have probably seen it and i asked carlito about it he said he's tried

to call this before but he's never actually gotten through what what it is it's the butterball talk

turkey helpline so they're like oh this year they were all getting a lot of news because they were

saying we're gonna staff for men because we're finding more men are making turkeys and apparently

this has been like going on for 20 years so i'm surprised i've never heard of it or it had

Somebody's had to prank it, so this can't be an original idea,

but apparently it hasn't been done around here much, so that's pretty cool.

Didn't they have a turkey shortage this year?

I don't know.

They probably just went and fucking hurried up and cloned a bunch of turkeys or something,

and then they were good.

Or they borrowed some turkeys from the future.

That's probably what they did.

Definitely some James Cameron shit.

yep so my idea here is pretty simple um i'm gonna just call i'm the only reason i'm kind of sharing

my ideas because i need lux to help me out and then after this this is new him after you to help

him out after this uh well until my son's old enough to be to help me with prank phone calls

you're gonna have to stand in what i'm like get grayson and as soon as i get older you're just

gonna make a new robin appear you got it i'm gonna be nightwing though so fuck you

you so so basically um i'm gonna you're gonna hear me talking and then go and do a little bit

of background stuff you know like you normally do and i'm gonna say that you put legos in the

turkeys and then basically um it's going to lead to me severely beating you so just keep that in

mind and scream for help so hopefully you're in a position where you can cry and scream okay let me

go ahead and tell my dad that some strange man on the internet's gonna beat me for entertainment

He wants me to role-play that he's beating me.

Some strange man on the internet wants to role-play that he's beating me, Dad.

Okay, so don't be worried.

Ignore the screams of terror.

I'm going to keep my kids away from guys like me when I get older.

As you should.

Okay, so if you're ready, I'm ready.

I can give you the number, I just gotta...

Yeah, yeah, throw me the digits, and I'll use my dialing device.

Oh, and just so everybody knows, I'm going to go ahead and do this one.

Feel free to steal the shit out of this idea.

Let me bring up their talk.

So basically, where's their...

Yeah, I'm thinking, like...

So basically, this is from November 1st to the 22nd, 9 a.m. to 9 p.m.

November 23rd to the 24th, 9 a.m., 7 p.m.

November 25th to the 26th, 8 a.m. to 10 p.m., Thanksgiving, whatever.

From here on out, from here on out until Christmas Eve, you can call from 9 a.m. to 7 p.m.

And they will have to listen to you tell them your turkey disasters and put them through weird situations and whatnot.

So this is a pretty open target, man.

Yeah, for sure.

I think Tabachi might have called it yesterday, but other than that, I haven't heard it be called.

Who did?

Tabachi might have.

I will kill him.

I wasn't on the whole time.

I believe he did because I mentioned this to him.

Yeah.

Because I said, has anybody ever done this?

Because I asked him, and then I asked Carlito.

And they were like, yeah.

Carlito said that he tried, but he said the times never lined up with him.

But now he does daytime shows, so he could literally terrorize the shit out of him.

Yeah, definitely.

Okay.

Maybe he could tell them how, for Thanksgiving, he had one egg made with heat.

Yeah, one eggs.

It's eggs.

Yeah, one eggs.

One eggs made with heat.

And one bread.

Remember, one bread.

and how do you want that cooked with with heat heat um electric or fire

electric or gas how do you want your food uh cooked yeah but then he started giving them

parameters he started saying i want it cooked so all all airborne illnesses and this and that

could be you know i don't know it was fucking stupid but yeah for sure i love his style of

like all right i do when i do pranks i go oh okay let's see how how easy i can fool this person and

i start getting good at gauging early on if i can if i can really get crazy on the person or if i

gotta lead them to water and uh he goes hey fanny yeah it's so simplistic like we overthink our

ideas exactly it goes to show you uh it makes anything funny hey i'm trying i'm trying to

build a fucking abrams tank and he's hitting people rocks in the end it's the same thing

exactly okay so here's the number let's get this one out of the way and then i'll probably

disappear for a little bit because my wife's gonna come home i'm gonna help her out and shit

and then uh i'm gonna hopefully i can get dinner eating before the show starts so there's the

number for you hello hello hello i'm calling sorry yeah stargate welcome to butterball

to be connected to our butterball turkey talk line for information on turkey preparation and

Good afternoon, Butterball Turkey Talk. I may help you.

Hi, ma'am. I'm hoping that you can give me a hand here.

You guys help out with things that have gone wrong, right?

With turkeys, yes, sir.

Yes, absolutely. Yeah, I got a butterball.

Yeah, my taxes are overdue.

Yeah, right.

Basically, okay, I got this turkey.

Okay, I'll give you just the scenario of the situation.

situation i have a my boss is going to be here in an hour and a half my now this you know it's

very 80s sitcom like you know my boss is coming over he happens to be japanese he doesn't know

a lot about uh american traditional thanksgiving dinners you know and we're gonna that's why we're

hosting him one today um and so you know i'm really not quite sure of how i'm gonna fix this

situation basically at my son luck's before i started cooking the turkey i had it out i was

doing other stuff and he put legos in the hole okay so now i got this turkey it is done and it

looks like it's cooked on the inside we have colors you wait you can did you put the would

you put stuffing in it no i i'd never do stuffing on the inside i cook stuff on the stove top so

So you put the Legos, he put the Legos inside the turkey cavity and then he roasted it.

Okay.

And so then what happened?

Well, now that the turkey's done and I have it out, there are colors, melted colors all over on the inside.

Okay.

Well, you're not going to eat the inside, correct?

Well, I mean, is it safe to eat at all?

I mean, it's been cooking with plastic boiling in it.

Okay.

Okay, well, most children's toys have to pass inspection and rules and all that stuff,

and I think they have to be non-toxic.

Can you hold, please, just a moment?

Yeah.

All right.

I mean, I'm saying I probably yearn you did at some point.

That's why they're on mute.

I wonder if this is in the Butterball Handbook.

Thank you for holding, sir.

Yes.

I don't really have a definitive answer for you, but I'm guessing that if it's in the inside of the turkey

and you're not going to consume that inside of the turkey,

is there a reason why your boss needs to feed the Legos in the turkey?

I'm not so worried about that.

that i'm worried about you know the toxicness of cooking plastic inside your turkey so um well the

melting point i'm surprised that they've melted how what was the temperature that you cooked the

turkey at uh it was about uh 500 yeah 500 degrees i'll tell you what can i have your phone number

and i think we might give you a call back or i can put you on hold supervisor oh just a second

Yes, son?

I'm sorry.

I told you.

Just a minute, please.

Okay.

Turkey, turkey, turkey, turkey, horsey, cat.

Thank you so much for holding.

I must transfer you to my supervisor.

Oh, thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Oh, bullshit.

I said 500, stupid.

Okay.

Hello there.

Hello.

How can we help you?

Well, I'm afraid that my son ruined my 80s-style dinner with my Japanese boss who's coming over because he had actually put Legos inside the turkey before the turkey was cooked.

And now the turkey has a lot of melted plastic and colors in it.

And I don't know if I should be eating this or if my son truly ruined my guest boss's Thanksgiving dinner.

you know what i think the best bet and this is a question of course i've never been asked before

so that is you know that's too bad for you of what i would do is just give poison control um

a call and they can answer that question really easily yeah i okay okay just just saying ma'am

lux what did i tell you i told you to go to your room

my hands hurt from slapping oh my god it was so realistic

stick i said i'm not gonna be able to ease into beating you so i just shifted straight into

beating you there's no polite way to get into beating your kid in front of somebody on the phone

actually that went really smooth

i'm like i'm sorry daddy boom

dude you know what we need to invest in those uh things mythbusters use those little gelatin

people so that we can make realistic beating sounds like you want to get like a fucking

twenty thousand dollar dummy so it sounds like we're really beating somebody all right i'm in

fundraiser for a fundraiser yeah let's let's do a kickstarter for that one yeah

Yeah, let's do that.

You know, Kickstarter, we need a $20,000 dummy so we can do our prank calls better.

Want to call Kmart with me, Jad, and beat me on Kmart's line?

Sure, what's the premise?

The premise is, I got the horse you can't, you're mad at me for buying it because it's inappropriate,

and you're mad at them for selling it, so now you're beating me.

It's a sophisticated way.

Okay.

All right, let's do one more, and then I probably got to, hopefully I can eat before.

I'm looking at the camera, how may I help you?

Yeah, I need to speak to somebody, because who the hell would allow a 10-year-old kid to come there and buy a horsey cat?

Kids are not supposed to be buying horsey cats, and somebody sold my son a horsey cat today.

What is that?

It's called a horsey cat.

Oh, what is that?

It's kind of like an action figure.

It's got a horse body and a cat head, and then it's anatomically correct, so it's disgusting, and I can't believe somebody allowed a 10-year-old to buy this.

It says right on the packaging for $18 and above.

You're at Kmart?

Yeah.

Yeah, you guys sell horsey cats there.

He's asked me for it several times.

I told him no.

He went there today with his brother.

Came home with a freaking horsey cat.

So my son should be ashamed.

Lux, you should be ashamed.

You know better.

Sorry, Daddy.

Shut up!

What are you doing?

Shut up!

I need to speak to a manager or something.

Shut your mouth!

Ow!

Hit me!

me and so hard when i slap them my god i'm glad you're not my dad you know you know what's funny

about this is uh i normally can't be this loud because i do my show at 10 at night my kid and

my wife are sleeping right now they're gone so i'm going to eat shit it's convincing sounds so

so beautiful guys jesus has gotten out of his dump truck

i love all by the way everybody i love all the horsey cat fucking pictures that have been popping

up everywhere yeah i made the first horsey cat picture i'm proud oh i've seen so many now i love

them okay did you see he bought the website horseycat.com and i'm gonna record the theme

song for the website and i've got the horsey cat picture up uh palindrome's gonna put it up when

he designs the website jesus christ sloth is now a horsey cat yeah he's horsey cat in the room right

sloth is yeah giant hits his wife uh yeah i tried i didn't know what to say so i just started

breathing heavy into the mic at the end of that one he started eating me awesome that's the go-to

for prank calls though just beat your child you know the quick story before i cut out quick story

the very first prank phone call i ever did i did when i was about god five or six i did it with my

brother and some older kids down the road and it's that this is basically remaking that one

because what what i did it's similar to that is we called somebody and i they said hello

there's some old people we thought it was late it's probably 8 30 and they were like they were

like hello and i was like blah blah blah and then all of a sudden they're like you need to quit

mashing around on the phone and then like one of the kids my brother's friends up the road

you know caught me on the phone was like give me that phone son what are you doing and then was

like you can't you give me that i'm sorry my son was best right it's okay i got you know he just

make sure he doesn't keep doing it meanwhile the the the girl up the road her brother or her sister

the dude the guy who's talking to people's sister starts beating me severely in the background why

the other guy why the guy keeps going i'm sorry i'm sorry people he's just i don't know what's

been getting into him lately he's been playing on the phone you know keeping him on the phone

as long as you can why there's severe beatings going on we're like hitting the walls and shit

so see one of my first calls is all like that too i called one of those gay sex helplines and

i came out about being gay and stuff had this whole story of how like i was like 13 and my

babysitter is a 24 year old man and he got me into it and then like i pretended i was in the

closet and my friend picked up the phone my friend shane and pretended that he was my dad and started

He started, like, beating me for being gay.

I beat the quare right out of you.

Yeah, it was hilarious.

He was using a baseball bat and, like, hitting the wall at his house,

so it sounded like I was getting beaten with a baseball bat.

It was great.

Okay, I'm going to go ahead and cut out for a little bit.

All right, yeah, man.

I'll be back around 7.

I may have to hand a couple of calls over to somebody

if my wife doesn't get home with dinner before then.

But, yeah, I'll have a couple people on with me.

It's just I'm fucking hungry.

so um workers your slaves that's right um like i said everybody feel free to fucking call the

shit out of them i i imagine we can do some really funny stuff with them turkey hotlines

that's so set up for prank phone calls the best thing about it it'll be back next year

yeah seriously and if you ever get the same person twice let's say you get the same lady

keeps answering what i would do is have her on and then call her call again on another line

hopefully you'll get a different operator i don't know if they have 40 operators or two you know

yeah so okay i'll talk to you guys i'll talk to you later all right see you in a little bit

that was cool um so want to do another call to those uh numbers facebook people's yeah i got

those or uh marie laveau's house of voodoo in new orleans we call her about her black friday

these specials okay yeah cool that works and i guess if nothing else pans out you can always

beat me in order to play glass breaking sound effects that's funny cactus turbo's not even on

which makes that really funny uh turbo's off doing real life things and missing the historic

marathon it's been me and pla people that are great prank callers so you know trevor slash

slash Aaron and Patch are resourcing for me.

I feel like an official PLA person.

But yeah, there you go.

Murray LeVoe, can I help you?

Oh, yeah.

Hi, how are you doing?

I was wondering about, yeah, do you have any Black Friday specials?

No.

Okay, nothing for curses or anything?

Because my neighbor is being a real pain.

No, we only do good magic.

We only do good magic.

Okay, do you know anybody who could do me a curse?

I don't talk about that stuff.

Well, see, it's my neighbor.

He keeps, like, dumping all the sand.

He builds a little beach around his swimming pool,

and at the end of the season, he dumps all the sand onto my lawn.

So I got to do something about him.

The cops don't do anything.

I need somebody to put a hex on him.

I got you.

We don't do that stuff, and I'm not going to talk about it anymore, okay?

Family do good magic.

God, I'm just hitting all nothing today.

I can't hear you.

I'm back.

Is that better?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's better.

Sorry, my family's being really stupid.

My sister's got a friend over and shit, and they won't shut up, so...

Well, you should kill them then and stuff them in the forever closet.

I'll be sure to say that to them next time I talk to them.

Good.

You shut up or I'll kill you.

Uh-oh, threatening on the, you know, the stream again.

Oops.

That's twice.

Does your sister have a phone number?

Yes.

I think I posted it.

My dad has a phone number, too.

Yeah, am I still really quiet?

No.

Okay, cool.

Because I was a stupid and my headset was up.

Like, my mic wasn't flipped down.

Let's call your dad.

Let's not do that.

Because, you know, he's a stupid and that's a waste of time.

You're not talking, though.

I don't...

Who's 17...

I don't even know who that is.

Hold up.

What?

Call.

This calling a number Ram gave me.

It's not a good idea.

Welcome to Verizon Wireless.

The number you dialed has been...

Are you looking for 3035, Ram?

Yeah, 3035.

You're so dumb.

Um, God, Ram, at least you're here, though.

You're usually never here for the Psycho Show, so that's good.

Um, whatever, I guess you can do this.

Ram, you have to do a legit phone call before we end this thing soon.

Half an hour.

Hang up.

I don't know.

What do you mean, what is this?

Oh, yeah, I don't know.

That's just Ram.

Um, Ram, you're gonna call a Kmart and not be terrible, okay?

You have to do at least, like, you're gonna do the rest of the calls on the show if you can pull this one off.

Do one call, Ram.

I'm sure the fan base is rooting for you to be able to pull off one call.

Am I right, guys?

Hi.

I'm too lazy to make a call.

My background is terrible.

You guys hear everything happening?

Thank you for calling Burbank T-Mart.

How may I take your call?

Uh, hi.

Can I be transferred to the manager, please?

One second.

Elena speaking.

How can I help you?

Oh, hi.

I would like to say I just made.

Okay.

Um, I tried using, uh, it's called a horsey cat, you see.

It's like a fake cat with horse things that horses have on their heels.

Well, anyway, my son, Lux, who's 12 years old, tried using it,

and one time it accidentally hit him in his face.

Now, I would like to return it.

Now, how is that possible?

Do you have the receipt?

No, I don't have the receipt.

Why would I ever have the receipt?

Because you paid for it, right, and they gave you one?

Well, yeah, but I drew it away because I didn't think the receipt was that important.

What did you pay with?

I paid with cash.

With cash?

Yeah, I paid with cash.

Oh, boy.

Do you have a Shop Your Way Rewards with us?

What are you talking about?

Because, sir, I'm asking you these questions because that's going to help you refund the item you want to refund.

That's why.

Here, let me go transfer you to my game over.

No, wait.

Oh, fuck that.

I don't want to talk to you.

Is there somebody else I can talk to?

Sure, hold on.

Ram, you always do that what are you talking about thing and then try to escape the call.

You can't do that.

Damn it.

He really does.

I think it's because he's always high.

And talk louder, Ram.

They must be drinking tea.

They're drinking tea.

This is Eric.

How can I help you?

Who the fuck are you?

How can I help you, sir?

I would like to make a complaint.

Did she just inform you about what happened?

Yes, that was our store manager.

who am i talking to my name is eric oh your name's eric are you okay why don't you go talk

to my son lux lux where are you dad you have to talk to him i'm not gonna do what you tell me to

do how please excuse me i'm very this is my first time making a complaint um so try i've tried

debating it with her but she's not she's not um i don't know how to say it but she's not very

cooperatively. Well, you're trying to

return an item with no receipt, right?

Yeah. And you didn't pay a debitor

credit and you don't have a rewards card?

No. What is the item?

It's like this big

plastic

cat that

makes sounds with horseshoes.

And then I

gave it to my son,

which you just heard.

It's called a horsey cat, I believe.

And all of a sudden

it became very erratic

Because after I turned it on, the product status, it made this weird, weird, strange noise.

And then all of a sudden, it moved all around, trying to hit my son.

And it's a toy?

Yes, it's a toy.

Well, I believe those are supposed to move, though.

I tried wondering that, but I don't know why it's doing that in the first place.

I'd like to return it.

I'm sorry, though. Without a receipt or any identifier, we can't do the return.

What? You can't fucking return the product?

No, watch your language, sir.

I'm not going to be watching my language because I am angry at how you cannot return this product.

No, we cannot.

I don't want to talk to you anymore.

Is there somebody else I could talk to other than you and that bitch?

No, I'm going to hang up now, sir. Have a good day.

Yeah, fuck.

That was, uh, you know, not terrible.

Let me do another one, though, Ram.

Double Jeopardy.

I think they were being patient with Ram

because he sounds autistic.

He sounds autistic, doesn't he?

But yeah, so Aaron and Ram,

while I kill everyone in my home

because they're screaming in the background.

I think it's time for the forever closet.

Yeah, definitely.

I'm going to bring out the forever closet

and lock you in it, motherfuckers.

Seriously, though, I hate children.

Hold on, what microphone are you using?

My microphone.

I don't want to hear them argue.

you. No, okay, I'm

gonna kill them all, um,

and put them in the Forever Closet. So here's

a number for you two to do.

What is it? It's another, uh,

Kmart. Those are fun to mess with,

right? Why can't you guess

the number? I just wanna call one of your numbers.

I wanna call you again. You might have been all

bombs all day. I've just gotten, like,

all the worst people.

They're

calling Cameron.

How may I help you?

Oh, yeah.

Hi, I want to talk to the manager.

I'm sorry?

I want to talk to the manager.

What is it that you need, sir?

I want to talk to the manager.

Can't you hear me?

God.

Sir, I can hear you, but if you tell me what it is,

I can correct it, direct your call to the correct manager.

I want to talk to any available manager.

Okay, I'm an assistant.

How can I help you?

Here, you go talk to my gay lover.

Hello.

Hello, how can I help you?

Yeah, hi.

We bought a product there for our son, but it appears to be dangerous and not for his age range.

So we'd like to bring it back in and get something different.

What is it that you bought?

I can't quite understand.

well we we got a horsey cat it's a horsey cat a horsey cat action figure uh-huh and and it

and it appears dangerous it moves around and and chased him into the corner he was just sitting in

the corner cowering and crying she hung up on me oh i have numbers ring ring call the hotel

hold on i have more numbers no i'm not calling dude christy thing was like four months ago

there's no way she's still in that hotel jesus christ ram you stalker yeah we're talking

There might be more people there.

Okay, Aaron, he's been stuck.

Alright, we...

God damn it!

Shit, out of my fucking room!

Okay.

Jesus Christ.

What the hell?

Alright.

They just think it's funny to run into a scream.

Stupid.

Um, no.

So, when we first started the psycho show...

Nope, you just...

God damn it, man.

...trying not to be stupid because of that.

See, I can't do it.

All I can do is use...

Yo, bitch, shut up.

shut that damn kid up what number is this anyway it's just ringing ringing okay

god damn it yes you should you should you should unmute and leave her in and

we'll talk about she's angry about her horsey cats

yes that's smart are you using speakers no i'm not i'm using my headset can you hear her

clearly yes i could hear her i could hear your stupid whore god damn it that hurt my ears i

I have a really good headset, though.

Change the output to your speakers.

Oh, that's to me.

There shouldn't be an E there.

It says it's not a sound volume.

God damn.

What the thing is?

Oh, it's forced to hear.

You can say she's angry, and I'll unmute.

Okay, so how about we do a...

I have more of those still.

Deborah in Denver.

20 minutes left before Jaiad comes on, and I go to Jaiad's show.

So, we'll call Deborah in Denver, and I guess...

Oh, wait, don't pretend we don't hear this.

Okay.

Okay...

Change the output on Skyfancy and put the output to your speakers.

No, I'll just take my headphones.

I know, change it.

Hey, who's the bitch?

Yeah, they're not nice.

Jerk.

Oh no.

Yo, bitch, shut the fuck up and leave it below.

Did you hear that?

Hey, thanks so much for calling.

Uh, just need to name a number at the end of the call and I'll-

She sure told you. She said why don't you go to the park?

God, I wish I could insult people that well.

She's a cocksucker.

If I catch you, Pace...

Hey, Lux, why don't you go to the park, you jerkface?

No, why don't you go to the park?

No!

Your Facebook is candy!

She's a fucking idiot.

Why don't you go eat with Sparkle?

Okay, next.

Okay, next number.

Another haunted one.

Jared and Phoenix.

This guy is also a huge tool.

Wait, did I not call Ruby?

No!

Stop speaking.

Thank you.

She's a whore.

Welcome to the preteen show where there's children yelling in the background.

It's not funny!

All of you need to stay away.

I hate all of you.

this girl says what do you mean

don't

hello you've reached Ruby

I'm unavailable right now

I just got live from that thing

and I will get back to you

as soon as possible

no stop speaking

this is funny

did they what

when you open it

you don't open it

my tablet is locked

you can't get in

go away

oh my god I hate everything

get out now

Now, I'm doing an official show.

What are they like?

They hate all of you.

Go.

No.

Why do you care?

Go away.

Oh, my God.

She wants to see what you guys said about her.

You IRC people.

Press good.

Plus, go lock your computer.

So, leave so I can do the last 10 minutes of my show.

Okay, after you get out.

I will show you it after.

Lock your computer.

Okay, bye.

Leave.

Thank you.

Next number.

Remember, you'd almost be cool if you weren't so purposefully obnoxious.

Huh?

Yeah, I know you were.

No, you're trying to stop it.

Stop it.

Bad.

Bad, Tony.

Bad.

Hey, you responded to the ad about the house being messed up?

Oh, hey, how are you?

Yeah, I'm good, actually.

Me and my Aaron's on the phone right now.

Aaron, are you there?

Yeah, I'm here.

Can I actually call you back in just a quick second?

I'm on the phone with Verizon.

Actually, no.

No. Um, it seems like everything's

getting worse, actually, and

it's hard to talk on the phone

and stuff, and there's just constant screaming.

So... Ouch!

See, and we don't know where it's coming from.

We have no idea. Um, you said you had

expertise, you could help. No. Damn it.

I was gonna try to use that to an advantage,

but whatever. Too bad.

I figured it's not gonna stop, so...

I'm not unlocking my talent

for you. Get out!

No. Bad. Bad.

Bad. Bad.

Good off your testicles.

Jesus Christ.

So, I'm gonna end this show early so I can go prep for being on Art of Phone Marking.

Dad, whore is five letters, not four.

God, you're stupid.

You're so dumb.

Okay, get away from me, that's why.

Oh my god.

Fuck.

Oh, good.

Hey, you noob faces, take that shit back right now.

Nice to have said that over your dad.

Who the fuck cares what's nice?

So I was actually just beaten on air

Yeah, I'd give you a worse beating

Thanksgiving 2013 Prankathon 6/7 – Lux – The Psycho Show

Calls (27, 1 h 33 min of 2 h 9 min)

Transcript

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