Let Us Pray

this is a stupid country are you a stupid asshole right yeah so you go back to your country and then

go back to your country this is my country this is my country i own it thailand moved up 13 places

in the reporters without borders index but the organization still views press freedom in the

country as in a difficult situation yeah the snake is the king of thailand

The report pointed to prosecutions under Thailand's Les Majestés law.

Les Majestés is a French term that means...

Thailand makes any unflattering mention against its king or royal family,

no matter how indirect, a serious crime.

You little monkey.

You're a bad thing.

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

People, rap music.

Yeah, I love Eminem.

Everybody, I'm Carlito, the host of Madhouse Radio.

This just happens to be Madhouse Radio,

where I will do a show tonight with Milkman.

Milkman, king of the farts.

Oh, El Manito.

Get away, get away, El Manito.

so good to hear your melodious tones and uh you had a wonderful holiday as we all did here

uh stuck around and enjoyed the 24 hour thon my friend how did your afternoon go uh after we uh

broke up it was great man i stayed up then we could yeah those episodes are available for

download now i'll get more to that in a second but yeah that was i want to thank everyone real

real quick uh who participated in that man that was great uh that was a great bunch of knuckleheads

or what dude i laughed my ass off thanks a lot guys that was really fun that was funny the only

thing is i was pranked out by like the weekend i didn't want to hear any i didn't want to hear a

ringtone you know i didn't want to hear a phone ringing at all for like five days after that i

was like okay i got my prank out of my system i had i almost thought about taking today off

Get your prank on in the Madhouse.

Jesus, God, it was fun, though.

Yeah, but we're here tonight live, Thursday, December 5th, 2013, starting a half hour late, but whatever.

We've had a good time record for the last few weeks, so, if I showed up, so whatever, you know.

Alright, dude, we're back, we're okay, we're still in Madhouse Caribbean time, we're good.

Alright, good.

You can send your prank request to me, let me get that out of the way,

madhouse live.com is the website if you're listening to us right now and you weren't aware

of that you can send your prank voice to me over at the site again that's madhouse live.com

use the request a prank feature it's very easy to do you must be stupid if you don't know how to do

it and there's a way and join the chat if you're not in there already that's all i gotta say about

that okay great so as far as uh the yeah so you know when we signed off last week um at

at, what, 4 in the morning Eastern?

Was it 4 in the morning I went until?

Yeah.

It was late.

I know that you guys had just,

you just made the last call,

and I just had walked out and got me, like,

another slice of turkey, man.

I come in, I just missed you.

I wanted to sign out with you,

but I had just missed you.

It was late.

But even after that,

Dyler took over for two hours,

and he cracked me up,

because he was,

he continued that stupid horsey cat thing

that I just, I didn't,

i just made that up at the you know out of the top of my ass and for the next 24 hours that

became a bit there's a horse did you know there's a horsey cat website milkman were you aware of

that i saw that i was listening to these guys it was funny they kept trying to push these people

to go and go and look at the horsey cat web there's a horse spinning horse on there of all

things man these guys really went ape shit i was laughing my ass off i'm not sure which one

that it was near one of the last crews that was on there next to the last crew i think they were

for making me laugh like hell.

Lux, I think.

What was that, Lux?

And I forgot who else was on with Lux.

I think Turbo.

I don't know.

They sounded really young, or they had a young voice,

but it was hilarious.

It was really hilarious, whoever did it.

I was taking a nap, and out of nowhere,

I heard like an 8-year-old kid screaming at the top of his lungs.

I think it was Lux's cousin or brother or something

that just ran in and started yelling.

Yeah.

But, yeah, Dialer did a good job.

He continued the horsey cat thing.

He was asking for horsey cat.

He's the one that does the voices?

Dude, I thought that was two people.

That was hilarious as shit.

That was funny.

He's like the best that I know of with voices when it comes to the print.

You know, Hollywood Von Joe was like that.

We always had a couple good ones out there, man.

They don't come very often.

Well, that's great, man.

It's making me laugh like hell, man.

Yeah.

Good job.

That was a good time.

That was Lux's sister Turbo saying that she was 12 years old.

Like, just ran in and just yelled at the top of her lungs.

Oh, man, they were fighting on the air, and then the dad came in.

I don't know if that was staged or not.

If it wasn't staged, it was pretty ridiculously funny.

I know it wasn't no fun on his end, but it did sound funny on this end.

It kind of reminded me of Matt and Mark.

Remember monkey phone kids fighting on the air?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Matt.

That's what it reminded me of.

Yeah, the monkey phone kids.

Wait, that's bringing it back.

Those kids don't even give a shit about pranks anymore.

Lux will do that.

He'll be like, fuck prank calls at some point, and he won't care.

We won't ever see him again.

Shit, these guys are a lot now.

They were like, what, 13 then?

So they're like 18, 21 by now, dude.

They're like, you know, probably having kids now.

Yeah, they're probably fucking, man, they probably have kids, you know?

They probably got grandkids by now.

Wow.

All right, so.

So, um.

Right along.

All right, show me.

Who came on after, did I forget who came on after that for two hours?

Oh, yeah, Science was on after that.

But I slept through that, and I still haven't heard that again.

But I heard there was a lot of horsey cat in that.

Then I heard Brent.

Aaron cracked my ass up, because I finally went to sleep, and I woke up, and I went to

sleep with the iPad next to me, and I guess I had the stream playing on, and it shut off

at some point, and I woke up, and I was like, oh, man, I had no idea if someone had not

shown up.

Where was that?

Yeah, where was that?

I was like, is it really still going?

Let me check, and I started up the iPad, and I opened up Mixler, and yeah, sure enough,

Aaron is on.

It was funny, man.

You can tune in to live shit anytime.

It was the best, man.

Yeah, it was great.

Yeah, and I just sat there for a while listening, and, yeah, I was laughing.

Okay, Aaron was going apeshit, too, man.

Aaron, those guys did a great job.

Rory and Stacy followed up after that, and they had the Walmart call that was.

That was crazy there, dude.

If that wasn't a put-on, that is really a funny, funny call, man.

man. Tell everybody that may

not have, you know, may not have caught it, dude,

what we missed, what they missed, man,

because that was really funny shit. Well, and I

told people about this at work and stuff

and they were cracking up. They listened to it.

I played it for them. Yeah, so

Stacy was driving around

Black Friday

and she went into Walmart

and went by the automotive and there was some

doofy guy paying for a t-shirt

in an automotive. She told

Brad, hey Brad, there's some dumbass here

paying for a shirt, you know, in an automotive

section which is kind of a dickhead thing to do you know what you're doing you're trying to get

ahead of the big line up front you're like oh let me go in automotive and you know because those

guys are cool yeah you know you know get out the side i'm a sneaky fucking bastard well all he was

buying was a shirt maybe he just legitimately needed a shirt i don't know but so you know

brad calls in his claim was that he parked near there i was like all right that's just right

parking near there is just for automotive customers you know what i mean that's exactly

they don't leave you in the gold zone for a reason man yeah but anyway so brad called in as store

security and talked to the guy and got into a huge argument about it being it's gay to buy a shirt and

automotive and the funny thing is you know they the guys they go back and forth the guy hangs up

up on brad and then you cut over to stacy who takes her phone off from you and you hear the

guy yelling at the background who the hell was that i want to talk to the manager what the hell

is this kind of this and that oh shit fucking happy dude that was funny yeah that was that

was great and then uh the phone marking episode was good too at the end they wrapped wrap things

up pretty nicely so yeah there you go milf man i listened to just about all of it now a little

little bit i i nodded through in the middle there but yeah especially i got a good busy end to do

this i really want to thank everybody and that was a great idea great idea manito that was really fun

that was a lot of fun thanks a lot man brought us all together we all had a great prank weekend

there prank day it was fun a prank holiday okay so let's move on to request a prank and see what

what prank calls we i saw a few come in during the day so now at least we have we have at least

one number in this i did not get any i thought for sure i would get some goofy voicemails after

that show we did but no nothing nothing at all not one voicemail during a week usually during

a week i get people calling back you know bitching at me but nothing of the sort this time okay well

looking at request a prank here's one see buddha sends in oh this is just an idea not a number i

thing or that's the name of the company oh okay a premise or he's actually want us to call buddha

no not buddha no uh he says for a long time he wanted to screw with a temp recruiter and i don't

know if a temp recruiter is going to be open build a further that dude i mean right now it's 7 30

here there ain't no recruiter open here dude those guys already done sucked down their donuts and

and hitting the beer now oh okay he's just sending in he's he's titled it as idea he's saying that

he wants to he's got a plan about this whole fake temper crew thing okay sounds great that's not a

number but thank you good idea i'll pass that on all right and handing off a good premise thanks

a lot we always enjoy some new thoughts thanks big guy all right here's a kebab shop they also

sell pizza and pussy burgers apparently i don't know why they would say that these guys make

make kebabs till the late hours 10 p.m eastern well they're closed in that doesn't work sorry

in that case they're close i like kebab places to get real angry like fuck you i put meat on

sticks all day i hate you i hate life and i hate you for calling me here's a number for jenny the

singer in the band warren okay never mind this is a hotel where the singer from the band warren

Miss Janie Lane died

In 2011

And that I should call in

Talk about Sweet Cherry Pie

Okay yeah that song

No I don't want to talk about white people music

What else was talking

Hell I never even knew they had a girl singer

Because it was always a guy singing that Sweet Cherry Pie

I wasn't a girl

Thank you for calling Comfort Inn

This is Jen speaking how can I help you

Yes I would want to stay

When I go there I want to stay in room 118

I want to make sure that I stay in room 118

because I want to masturbate in that room.

What is the deal?

She doesn't want to get the room out

or she's against masturbation in your own room?

What is it?

It's not like nobody masturbates.

Everyone masturbates in a hotel.

If you're not having sex, you're masturbating.

You're like, fuck yeah.

Well, I mean, you're in a nice hotel.

You got to do something with that.

Good evening.

Yes, I'd like to make a reservation, please.

Okay, sir.

When do you need a room?

For next Friday.

Next Friday?

Yes, the 13th.

okay for how many nights for one night okay that's you don't do by the hour you just do

nightly excuse me you don't do by the hour you just do nightly yes sir okay good and do you

have triple a card no uh no i don't have triple a no that used to be with him and i got into a

massive argument over a tire that was spun the wrong way oh okay so do you need uh

motherfuckers i'm one i'm just gonna be staying by myself so just one bed

for one bed and several sexual toys excuse me one bed for one man and several sexual toys

do you want me to purchase with a reservation well what are you're saying yeah you're asking

me what's it for like i had to give you all the information god it's like an inquisition or

something okay the rate is 99 plus bucks okay and can i definitely get room a specific room

There's a reason.

Do you know what happened in room 118 two years ago?

You know what happened?

No, sir, I don't.

There was a singer for a band called Warrant that I was really into in the 80s.

They made a song called Cherry Pie.

It was one of the best videos of the early, mid-80s, okay?

So the singer died in there.

She had like a drug overdose, and she went crazy, and she died inside that room in 2011.

You didn't know about that?

No, sir, I don't.

Yeah, so that's why I want to stay there, because I want to be near her chi energy, her, you know, her sexual energy and all that.

You know, I wanted to sleep there for a night and see if I can connect with her.

I'm going to, you know, have like a seance.

We're going to...

Do you have a rule about lighting candles?

I'm sorry, what is your last name?

Cross.

Do you have a rule about lighting candles?

I need a candle-friendly room.

I'm sorry, sir.

We don't allow that.

I'm a firefighter.

Okay, what is your phone number?

I don't like to give that.

I don't know why you need my phone number.

This is to reserve the room for you.

Okay, it's 1-877-327-8184, extension 12.

So I want to be near...

Listen, what I'm telling you is don't keep asking me questions to not have to deal with my questions.

You know what I'm saying?

I know what you're trying to do.

I'm not stupid, all right?

Sir, I'm trying to make a reservation for you.

That's why I'm asking all the information.

Well, I need to get information before we proceed.

Do you understand?

don't you know how to do your work little lady look i'm not an immigrant okay i'm not stupid

so can you burn candles inside the room no no sir can i make an exception because i'm a you know

i'm friends i'm friends with the fire marshal and i'm a firefighter that is the hotel policy

we don't allow that okay but you guys wouldn't know if i was right but a seance only takes about

20 minutes okay let me check if the room 118 is available okay all right honey baby she's gonna

gonna come back say it's not available that's bullshit she's not gonna help us you're gonna

come back and say it's not available no matter what it says aren't you no sir i'm still checking

hey milkman while she's looking that up while this stupid woman's looking that up

i'm being told janie lane was a was a boy what i was talking to milkman yeah it's none of your

business please don't listen to my conversation private conversations ma'am no i thought i'm not

Oh, you're talking to me.

I'm sorry.

No, I was just saying how you, the stupid woman, was looking it up, taking a long time,

and that Jamie Lane was a boy, not a girl, apparently.

Okay, you said you want to check in on December 13th?

Yeah, Friday the 13th, because that's a dark, evil day.

Sexual power is running through the world, you know?

Okay, that room is available.

Good, good, good.

Do you want me to proceed with the reservation?

Yeah, well, all right.

So what's the policy on guests?

because it takes four people for a seance,

but I'm the only one that's going to stay after

to masturbate inside the room in the bed after.

Okay, sir, please hold on a second.

Okay.

Goddammit, who keeps sending emails?

Shut up.

Stupid.

Sexual energy is from an 80s hairband guy, right?

Was it a hairband milkman?

I don't know.

I don't know about that.

Were they a grunge band?

They weren't a grunge band.

Yeah, it was a guy.

It was a guy.

It was hairspray gays, you know,

like the big hair hairspray bands.

Yeah, that was all the gay Jewish agenda of the 80s.

They were trying to make the...

Yeah, they were trying...

They were actually, you know, dudes trying to, like, put makeup on and act like girls

and sing like girls and stuff.

That was a trend back then, man.

It was a big trend.

Disgusting.

Now they just call it cross-dressing.

Now they just be gay bands.

Yeah.

Nickelback, what are some of the other ones?

Creed.

Yeah.

I was just trying to think.

What are those ones?

I know, always, KDK always knew the best ones.

I can't remember the best cave bands, but he always knew the best ones.

Anything KDK plays.

There you go.

This is taking too long.

I'll call her back.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

She's got me on hold, but I'll just hang up that line.

I'm on hold.

There was that fucking ring, ring, ring, and no answer.

Well, that was stupid.

Yeah, I bet you if Matt was here, he'd know all about that band.

He knows all about the sexual energy on Friday the 13th, you know?

The crazy blood of Jesus lady from Tennessee is being sent in from Tabachi,

who has been called before by others.

I will now call the crazy blood of Jesus lady.

Here we go.

Yes, I want to say that anybody tell you that they love you,

I love you, and Jesus do too.

And it's time now, if you're not ready for his coming,

to get yourself ready for his coming.

You can leave me a name or a number,

and i'll get back with you as soon as i can you have a blessed day oh jesus is coming all right

you know what i mean inside room 118 at that hotel we were just talking with right milkman

holy sheep yeah all right moving right along here's the next one single female who wants to

share her one bedroom apartment guess who this came from big ken i'm still perplexed how people

People want to share one-bedroom apartments with others and expect them to pay.

Those two.

Well, they got to share the bed.

I mean, that's the main thing.

The shower.

Hello?

Medwin Perlman is not available.

Please leave a message after the tone.

I can't even hear her name.

It's like...

I know.

She took a dick out of her mouth.

It was like a dick out of her mouth.

She was talking with her mouth full, dude.

Is the video working on the Madhouse site?

Can you people know if it's coming up on YouTube?

Thank you.

okay well she ain't answering their big kenneth however ken does send another one

another number that is for pierce who's a fucking awesome guy and needs a fucking chill roommate

but don't be this guy what but don't no drinking is not a problem as long as you are not the type

of drunk person with rage who is belligerent and likes to break stuff and put holes in the wall

there you go milkman i guess that's out of it for you because your house in the virgin islands you

drove a fucking uh you stole a backhoe and drove it through the back wall once when you got drunk

remember that that was hilarious i hadn't even a madhouse at jamaican guy was like

i use that to dig latrines your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system

them. Yeah. Anyway, here's

Trish. She wants to pay $500

machines, goddamn dollars,

to share a shitty apartment, and there

are no details on the fucking apartment.

Alright, let's call Big Trish.

T-R-I-S-C-H.

Trish.

Thank you for calling. This is Trisha

Bermudez, and I am not able

to... Fuck you, Bermudez.

Not one person has picked up a phone today

except for the hotel milkman.

I'm just saying. Hi, thank you for calling.

This is Trisha Bermudez.

i might just go play uh starcraft right along i think i might go play starcraft instead i don't

know uh yeah gino sends a number here out the way first you know that means you'll pick up your

all right well here's k who's a washed up internet psychic who used to have an internet radio show

let's give her a call your call a disconnected number thank you gino thank you for not helping

This tip-ape is really good here, Mono.

Yeah, now Gino's going to send me another message.

Oh, we're all swirled gone.

It was working five minutes ago.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

So many times that happens.

Someone says a number, it's like completely disconnected.

Like, oh, it's working for me.

I don't get it.

Yeah, it's confirmed from five years ago.

Yeah, all right.

Here's a Pastor Robert who posted his number on Twitter.

Says he's selling a Christmas present for $30.

He's selling a Christmas present

Okay

It's like a mystery present

Mystery box for $30

That'd be a funny ad to put

Mystery box on Craigslist

Mystery box, open it up, see what's in it

$50 for best offer

They gotta take a chance, man

You don't know

Yes, I'm calling about your mystery box present

That you're selling

Mystery box present

Yeah, you have a Christmas present for sale?

It's like a secret box?

Oh, you have the wrong number.

Wait, is this the pastor?

Yes, this is Pastor Bob Watson.

Yeah, you're the guy.

You're selling $30.

You're selling a Christmas present for $30.

No, actually I'm not.

What are you selling then, boy?

Where did you get this from?

Because I'm not selling anything.

You put it on Twitter.

You said, I'm selling a Christmas, a special sexual Christmas present inside a box.

You pay $30, and you see what you get.

Then somebody has hacked me, because that's not true.

I don't have anything for sale on Twitter.

Oh, I know.

You've got the horsey cat virus.

That's what they call it.

What do you use for your Twitter, usually?

A computer or a Mac, or what do you use?

Just my computer.

Yeah, you've got the horsey cat virus, sir, and it's very dangerous.

It probably already stole all your information.

Well, I hope not.

Thank you for letting me know.

Bye.

I can help you fix it.

I was going to send him the meat spin or something or horseycat.com.

Oh, yeah, the horseycat spin.

Yeah, then there's another post on here.

This is underwear.

for a christmas gift for less than 30 dollars call him and the number

that i just called okay he doesn't want to um play i don't know it's racist maybe because he

hears i'm ethnic we had a white guy called like oh yeah i still got that no yeah that reminds me

of a fun story maybe i'll tell you guys one day about it oh yeah okay here's a number let's call

that guy back no fuck that i want to call that guy back he really give him a little bit because

he's gonna kind of expect it right he's a pastor so i guess you're gonna have to give him a couple

That should be my advice.

That way he won't hang up.

Well, we'll test that theory.

I'm willing to bet he picks up.

That's a bad connection.

I'm willing to bet he will pick up, sir.

Hello, this is Maui Targeffel.

Hey, buddy, how are you?

Hello?

Is that Pastor Bob?

Yes.

Listen, asshole, it says specifically you have Christmas gifts for them for less than $30.

No, I do not.

It has your picture and everything.

Are you on your Twitter?

Go to your Twitter now.

Somebody has either hacked me or is playing a prank, but it's not me.

We don't have anything for sale.

If you would like to donate money to our church, that's great.

But other than that, I have nothing for sale.

Is it because I am Howley that you're doing this?

What?

Is it because I'm a Howley that you're doing this?

That's what it is, isn't it?

No, because I am too.

Okay, because I know I call some places to rent an apartment,

and they tell me, oh, no, we don't like your kind.

They don't say that.

They're just like, it's not available.

And then I have my Hawaiian friend call, and they hear the voices like a native,

and they're like, oh, yeah, it's Sylvain.

I'm sorry you're having problems like that, but we really have nothing for sale.

All right, I'll suck your dick.

You know what?

You need to find Jesus in your heart because you seem to be somebody who is

trying to play a prank, and you're being very mean about it.

But I want you to know something, that Jesus Christ does love you, and he would like to get into your heart and to save you, and to keep you from living a life that will take you directly to hell.

A question I would ask you is this, do you know, for a matter of fact, absolutely, if you died today, would you go to heaven or hell?

I would go to purgatory for five years, and then I would go to heaven.

Well, there is no purgatory.

Yeah, there is.

So the Bible says after death is the judgment, not purgatory.

So you go to heaven or hell, and do you know for a fact where you would go?

To heaven.

You're sure about this?

One hundred percent.

I ran a test and everything, yeah.

You did.

Well, it sounds to me like you're just trying to have fun with me, and I can understand that.

But I want you to know that right now I would like to pray with you and pray for you.

All right, let's pray.

Father God, in the precious name of Jesus, Lord, I ask that you would convict the heart of this young man, Lord.

He is trying to do something that he thinks is funny, but what he's doing is putting a bad blot on his name and not on God's name.

Jesus, you died for his sins.

You rose again to give him the right to reach out and find Jesus Christ and to find salvation.

But God, we ask you right now, Lord, that you would break his heart, Lord.

Let it open up so that he can truly see what he is and what he needs to be

and that he's lost and dying and going to hell without you.

And God, we ask that you would reach into his heart

and make everything that he sees and does and touches, Lord,

let it be unsatisfying to him until he reaches out for you, Jesus.

this and we'll praise you for it in your precious name lord amen now i don't know who you are and

i'm pretty sure you're not going to tell me i'm katie but you have a good day and we'll

have a good day now bye-bye my name is mike tucker oh boy milkman i don't know what he was

praying on as well did you hear him did you hear him like try to invoke curse on you i don't think

Jake has the proper use of prayer there, Pops.

I mean, I know about prayer, and that's a part of it.

I shouldn't put bad things onto you until you turn to Jesus, pal.

Oh, Milkman, he has a point, Milkman.

Don't fool around with Jesus, man.

I love Jesus.

He has a point, Milkman, so I guess I'm going to have to end the show.

Good night, everybody.

I want to thank everybody, especially all our special guests that stopped in.

I see, man.

Reverend Pappy Johnson there didn't actually know the proper usage,

but anyway, he did make a good speech, and it was very enlightening.

It was a very nice prayer.

Thank you so much.

You know what I'm talking about.

I'd have been okay with all of it up until he did that invocation.

I didn't care for that.

That was just weird.

Why didn't he just start praying on me?

Yeah, well, it's all right,

but when he's trying to invoke something bad against that,

I didn't care, but I didn't think that's the proper use of prayer.

I think he's, like, playing with your head.

Maui Power Chapel.

Yes, I wanted to apologize.

I just had an epiphany when you prayed for me.

Well, I thank you for apologizing.

Okay.

I want to masturbate myself in your church so you can watch me and I get the sexual energies.

Where did he go, man?

Maybe he's going to race there to meet you.

I don't know.

This is not good.

good. I was going to tell him I was going to do it

on Friday the 13th.

We'll leave him

alone. He's the pastor. We're supposed to respect

him. All right, guy.

He doesn't respect

praying calls, but we're supposed to respect him.

I didn't like that invocation thing there.

I don't know. I've heard uses of

prayer. I've never heard it used that

way. I don't know that that was proper.

I've never heard someone

legitimately pray

with me on the phone to

stop prank calling him.

yeah and now anything that you touch or something like that you're gonna find unhappy makes you

unhappy and everything i'm like wow this is uh this is interesting i've never heard this way

i don't much care for it either i think it's a poor example this is you know but this that is

the act of self-righteousness you see the self-righteous will do that man they think

they're above you and everybody else and we'll do that well i believe in the force i can yeah i

I can put bad, bad things against you because I'm above you.

You know, that Christ doesn't see him any more important than you are.

All right, we got a flashy, stunning, tricolored paint mare, a seven-year-old horse machine.

All right, I got a plan for this one.

It's going to make you guys laugh.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

You guys better hope they pick up.

This is the only way you'll know what my plan is.

I will not divulge it if they don't pick up.

Yes, hello, you have a horse for sale, a horse machine?

Yes, sir.

Can you hold on a minute?

Yeah, sure.

I'm sorry.

This is my mom's phone, and she's outside.

Oh, all right, sexy.

That's cool.

You have a cat.

Yes, sir.

Wow, I have two cats.

I like to make them kiss each other.

Yeah, this one's my cat.

It's out here with me right now.

Where's your mom?

She was messing with the truck.

I'm not real sure what she's doing right now.

Is she fixing the truck?

Yes, sir.

Oh, wow.

She fixes the truck, too?

That's hot.

listen does she so she has a horse for sale a horse machine uh well she does have a horse for

sale yeah so the cool you know what i'm a scientist you know i work and my name is dr baz

and basically i'm trying to make we're work we've been working on the horsey cat for a while the

horsey cat project for the government do you know we should be like not cool if we bought the horse

paid it you know and everything but we're gonna do scientific experiments on it okay i can ask

Yeah, because we're going to make a horsey cat.

We're basically combining a horse and a cat together.

We're trying to do this interbreeding thing.

So it involves a head transplant and everything like that.

Two animals, one to the other.

Okay.

Yeah, I think I've got it all figured out.

I've done all the science.

I think we got it down.

We've never tried it before.

But we're trying to see if the animal will act like a cat afterwards

or if it will run around like a horse.

I don't know.

Well, can you ask your mom if we can use it for science purposes?

I don't know.

Let me find it first.

Hold on a second.

Jesus Christ.

We're on mute.

Mute machine.

Hello?

Mom?

Yes, Mayor?

Thank you.

It sounds windy over there.

Hello?

Hey, is it cold and windy out there, or what's going on?

Yeah, it's still a little cold.

Oh, your nipple's hard.

Listen, you have a horse for sale?

Yes, yes.

This is Eddie.

Eddie, I saw your ad for a horse, a mare, a seven-year-old mare.

Okay.

Okay, so I wanted to purchase that.

I'm a scientist, and I wanted to know, we're going to use the horse for science experiments, like scientific purposes.

So the first thing we would want to know, is that okay with you?

And then we'd have you sign a waiver.

We're working on the horsey cat project.

We're going to combine the horse with a cat together.

Combine a horse and a what together?

And a cat, like a feline.

I don't have a cat.

No, no, no, no, no.

We have tons of cats.

We're just trying to get a horse.

We're going to put the head of the cat.

We're going to transplant it with a horse's head.

She's hung up.

All that for nothing.

Let me call her back.

She wasn't into the eggplant, man.

The eggplant?

You've reached my voicemail.

You will need to leave me a detailed message.

Hi.

Hey, you've reached my voicemail.

You will need to leave me a detailed message.

Okay.

You will have to leave me a detailed message.

She said all that very carefully, didn't she, Milkman?

you got to leave me a message all right let's call that pastor back this is the toilet trying

to get white devil here white devil there we go white devil all right i like that toilet one now

the white devil mallory power chapel yes good afternoon i called earlier and i have like a

really bad did you say like i had to stop doing these things or that bad things were going to

happen to me um i don't wish to talk to you anymore so uh and i will let you know that we

have called the police about uh this and if you continue to do this then they will be dealing with

oh god we seem a little lost in there mad now oakman you sound like the devil without the voice

voice changer you know that i might call him again later fully possessed by the white devil

all right getting devilish here's a number in wisconsin for nick uh the person who sent in

the number did a service call and reset his cable box and he had a ton of porn on the dvr

okay cool how do you record porn on your dvr i don't know like you saw that he had ordered a

a lot of porn i used to get those calls all like i did a little bit of uh tech support for a cable

company um for their internet but sometimes they would call and be like yeah the internet's not

working and i look at the billing and it's because they hadn't paid the bill or they had to hit like

their maximum of like allowed for extra services and whenever that happened it would be like just

just tons of porno movies that they had rented within the last week or so.

And like a few times it was like women, you know what I mean?

And I was like, it probably was like their kids or something, you know?

But every once in a while you get someone who sounded really sketchy

when they say their internet wasn't working

and you saw that it was supposed to be turned on.

But if you would go to the fucking...

History log?

Yeah, the history log.

they had tons of porn and that hit like there was like the company said a

maximum,

I think it was like $200 maybe.

Uh,

and after you hit that,

you had to call,

they wouldn't,

they would shut you off and you had to call it.

And basically it was just to make sure like,

you know,

that you knew about it,

you know,

kind of thing.

Porn party stopper.

Yeah.

Basically like,

like a damper on the porn party real quick.

$200 lemon.

Yeah.

Well,

you can do a lot of damage for that $200.

i guess i guess yeah that's a lot of you think that's a lot of porn i don't think it really is

because like the movies like back then they were like like 5.99 like if you got a on-demand well

they still do that shit but why would you what would anyone get on-demand porn i don't understand

man porn sucks man it does have specialty stuff well that stuff sucks this day how does that even

exist anymore in this day and age unless you just don't have any it's like you're old that's how

That's how old people get their porn, I guess.

I don't know.

Oh, man, man.

Annoying.

What's the one channel?

Do they still do that?

I remember Cinemax and a couple of the others, man.

Late Night on Weekends and shit.

They would show these soft porn movies.

Skinemax.

You'd see blurred action, some titty and some crack and a little this and that and a lot

of blurred rosy pictures.

Yeah, Skinemax.

Do they still do that shit?

I think they do.

Skinemax.

That's what we used to call it.

Skinemax.

Yeah, because that was, like, a source of porn for me, like, when I was, like, 10.

This was long ago, right, when porn wasn't readily available.

Yeah, it was called Skin and Max.

Yeah, if you were a kid.

For me, like, I was a kid at that point, late 80s, early 90s.

Okay, so, yeah, I remember those days.

Yeah, late 80s, early 90s.

And, yeah, that was, like, the main source, I remember.

I used to have friends who would come over just to, because they knew I had Cinemax in my room and HBO in my room.

um so like if we had a sleepover whatever saturday night you could watch it had to really be hardcore

man yeah yeah or or you know i remember like for like the playboy channel you could just like mess

with the tuner on the analog tuner on the old p on the old tvs and all in this yeah yeah the fine

tuning is tuned to the side it would straighten it out but it was like you know still black and

white and stuff

it was not

that she got the idea

that's pretty good

for you know

at home

yeah

yeah it was pretty good

back then

back then man

you did what you had to do

you had to survive

and masturbate

yeah

I was very comfortable

remembering that

okay

moving right along

motherfuckers

so what happened

these days

is the video working

on the madhouse site

or not

I don't know

if anybody

answered that question

in the chat

I wasn't watching

it hey i gotta take a break real quick i gotta play a prank call and take a break if you don't

mind give me just a moment much appreciated uh what kind of what kind of prank can i play though

that's a big question look here through my list i'll play this one called above my dick bro

remember the end of that guy just says above my dick and then we'll play a jerky but now i won't

play a jerky voice prank call because we're doing a youtube video and that'll get it blocked uh i

I think I already played this Jack Nicholson call from Nunu recently.

I don't think I'm going to play that again.

It hasn't been that long.

How long?

I don't know.

Here's a PLA call also.

All right, here you go.

So if you guys just give me a moment, I'll be right back.

We actually get to hear him laugh.

Who?

Nunu?

I don't know.

There's one where you can hear Nunu laughing.

That's the only one.

He claims to hear it.

I've never, ever heard it.

Ah, yeah.

I'm pretty sure at some point I have heard Nunu's laugh

in the back of one of his soundboard prank calls.

And it sounded weird.

He sounded like he had a mush mouth.

You know what I mean?

I would be expressive.

All right, I'll be right back, guys.

I'll be back right after this.

The author of Mind Tom is at the hospital room.

That time I didn't hear you, Cousin A.

Hello?

Hi, this is John from the Riverside Baptist Church.

Hello?

This is John from the Riverside Baptist Church.

Is this Yazeed?

Yeah.

Hey, we need to know if you're going to church today.

It's Sunday.

Can you speak up?

You're worse than Tombstone.

I can barely hear you.

Okay, are you going to church today to praise Jesus?

Why not?

You have to go to church or you're going to go to hell.

I'm going to need to transfer you to my supervisor.

And he's going to talk.

I'm calling from the Baptist Church here in town.

I don't know. I don't want to go.

Listen, at our church, Jesus is black. We're very progressive.

Jesus is black?

Yes, at our church, he's black, because we're a progressive church.

I think I'm going to go to hell.

No, no, don't go to hell. You need to come to church today.

I'm going to transfer you to my supervisor.

Hi, this is the supervisor. I'm kind of like just a little bit below God.

Hi, how are you doing?

And I don't speak English.

Oh, yeah, you do. I can hear you talking right now. You speak perfectly fine. Don't put yourself down.

But I heard you saying that you thought you might be going to hell.

But trust me, you won't be going to hell because whenever you join our church, we guarantee, or your money back, that you will go to heaven.

Well, don't worry. All you have to do is say, I love the baby Jesus, donate your cash, and you get to go to heaven.

What do you think of that deal?

And if you act now, we'll throw in a ShamWow.

Is that your number?

We're here at the Riverside Baptist Church.

We're waiting for you to show up with a ShamWow.

I'm sleeping right now.

And we've got the black baby Jesus waiting for your love and your affection and your cash.

So can we expect you at church, sir?

I'm going to sleep.

I'm going to bed.

Sorry.

You're not allowed to leave.

We need to talk to you.

Yes, we don't need you going to hell now, do we?

Don't hang up.

At our church, we have an official Denver Broncos fan team for Tim Tebow.

Sir, listen, you need to talk more.

Say comical things like that you don't speak English and you're asleep.

Waka waka.

I just don't want to smoke, man.

I don't want to talk.

You want to smoke?

What are you going to smoke?

We do allow marijuana use at our church.

Riverside Baptist, come on down.

You can smoke in our church.

We give out free cigarettes at the door.

We give out free cigarettes at the door at our church.

At Riverside Baptist Church, the black baby Jesus is a Rastafarian.

Yep.

We have communion every week, and instead of drinking the blood of Jesus, we smoke cigarettes.

And we have a game, too, that we pick out random pages of the Bible, we rip it out, and then we roll a joint.

But the baby Jesus gets a spliff.

That part's after the song service, where we sing Jimmy Page songs.

I don't speak English.

When my friends wake up, I'm going to have to call you.

Don't be a dirty bonch, dude.

Come on down to Riverside Baptist.

How can you live in America without speaking English?

Who's in America?

I come here for one month, two months, just two months.

You speak perfect English, though.

You understand everything we're saying, so I don't know why you keep saying you don't speak English.

Because everything happened to me here.

You've even been a smartass to us in English.

Everything happened to me here.

No, you're fine, okay?

You understand us just fine.

Good job.

At our church, you don't have to speak English.

Now that you've been here for just a couple of months,

you just need to accept the black baby Rastafarian Jesus Christ baby into your heart,

and you'll get to go to heaven with a small donation.

We're all telepaths at our church, so you don't need to speak anything.

We'll understand any language.

We jive on a little bit of mushrooms, smoke a big fat spliff, and next thing you know, we're in communion.

From Norman or what?

Yes, Norman.

We're at Riverside Baptist in Norman.

You know anything about me?

Yeah, we know everything about you.

Are you serious?

Yes.

We know that you're a heathen that's going straight to hell if you don't come on down and accept the black baby Jesus Christ.

Rastafarian into your heart.

What's the call of you?

Jesus is very concerned about you.

Is that Jesus?

Yes, last night I smoked DMT, and Jesus Christ himself came down on a spaceship, visited me, and told me that I needed to call you.

I'll let him know. Just come on down. We've got the weed.

Free weed today. We'll send a limo for you. We send limos to all of our congregation.

We're fat ballers for Christ.

Jesus told us that you like the movie Scarface,

which is really strange considering you don't speak any English

and you wouldn't understand a word of it.

Scarface? I love Scarface.

Yeah, and he said you like Crime Life Gang Wars.

I'm not scared. I want to be a singer.

No, no, the video game. The video game.

Yeah, I love the game, too.

That's nice.

You know, at our services, the sermon,

all they talk about is video games at our church.

You can bring your computer down.

All we talk about is party for a small donation.

Are you black or what?

We don't see color here, but Jesus is black.

He's not black, man.

No, at our church, he's black.

He's not black, man.

He's not black.

Jesus wants to know if you miss Jada City.

Yeah, you sure?

Who cares?

Big fucking deal, right, Milkman?

Big fucking deal what Brad has to say, asshole like a motherfucker.

fucker here i wanted to play this real quick now that i had it in front of me this is uh me ordering

eggs on a recent episode of madhouse which is it was another great theme of that thanksgiving show

that we did ordering eggs with heat this is the this is the original one that inspired all those

i don't know if anybody hey i wanted to make an order eggs

Over easy, over medium, over light up, scrambled.

On the heat.

Bread.

One cooked eggs.

Cooked.

Okay.

She's supposed to be in the fucking kitchen.

Yeah, why is the woman not in the kitchen?

I wanted to make an order.

One eggs.

Cooked.

With heat.

Electric heat or gas heat.

Yeah.

How would you like your egg cooked?

Would you like it over medium?

Would you like it scrambled?

Heat it up.

up eat it up to the to the required uh temperature and amount of time sustained state temperature

so

as not to introduce any salmonella or anything else into my system.

I understand how to cook eggs, brother.

How would you like them cooked?

Scrambled?

Egg?

One eggs.

Just one eggs.

Just write that down.

Figure it out.

I understand that.

Okay.

Tell you what, why don't you come in here and you make it.

Okay, scramble.

Scramble, scramble, scramble.

One bread.

You want bread?

One bread.

bread i could have been a whole nother thing about the bread a whole you heard how sick i was man

that was right before my surgery that was like two days before my surgery i think that show

they were calling singapore again i don't know if you remember was it last week that i called

singapore the lady got real mad that the limoncello that was like two weeks ago nunu says it was last

week it was like two weeks ago milkman are you here oh i think you're on mute milkman there you

i got you back hey honey baby how are you hello i'm sorry sir hey honey baby how are you doing

honey baby yeah are you looking for honey baby we don't have honey baby here no no i'm looking to

you know come in and get a reservation but i would call talk to the ladies i'm all nice to

the ladies i say hey honey baby sweetie you know oh okay i see i understand okay

Okay, for when is it?

You're not a honey baby.

You're like a sour, you know, fish.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, sour fish.

Sour fish, yes.

Sour fish.

You're a sour fish, you know?

Yeah, I'm a sour fish, okay.

Yeah, you smell like fish down there, too, you know?

Tuna?

Yes, we have.

Yeah.

Well, down, like, in your private parts, your vagina.

Uh, are you calling from where?

Uh, from the helicopter.

We're on our way over there now.

Okay, so when are you coming here?

Uh, next week.

Okay, how many persons?

Me and my wife.

Okay, and can I know your contact number?

And later on, four police are going to come, are going to show up.

Okay, can I get your contact number?

No, I don't have one.

You don't have one, but you can call.

Yeah, yeah, this is not my phone.

Okay.

Don't be stupid, all right?

Yeah, I'm stupid for your ass, okay.

fuck you bitch i don't remember what did we what did i talk to her about milkman do you remember

at all i don't remember at all i don't know what that says about me but i don't remember talking

that lady whatsoever two weeks ago i remember singapore i remember there were a lot of calls

to her and the shit got kind of crazy and angry i remember this but i don't remember what the

fuck it was about i can't remember it was at the end i think i remember it was at the why don't i

i remember that shit i don't know i do i don't know the the prank you probably got tired at that

point in the game yeah well the prank marathon just hang on let me uh you've been burning your

brain you had all the guys on and shit so they've been right there about the time when you had all

the guys on i guess yeah i understand that ordering heat uh eggs with heat what a stupid

that was last week also that was kind of that was good i liked it man a lot of people like

They never ask the right question.

They never say, what recipe?

Because they're asking, really, the recipe, how you want to cook.

Yes.

I'm going to look at my videos here, see if I can find that episode from two weeks ago.

I don't see it readily here.

Here we go.

Hang on.

I'm looking.

Okay, that would have been November 21st, right?

This video has been blocked, by the way.

It's blocked in Germany for some reason.

I think it's the music that was on it

It just got blocked in Germany

Whatever

Let's see if this is Singapore

We love our German

They're two for four dollars

I can bring like two teas

No

Yeah we'll do Singapore okay

Singapore

That's me saying I'll do Singapore

So we're almost getting warm

I'd like four pizza

Take away please

That's the guy

He wants to do an after show.

You listen, Ben.

I'm sorry.

Do you understand, cocksucker, motherfucker?

All right.

It's a guy and Ken and Baz talking to some Singapore place.

I don't know.

I give up.

I'm sure.

Son of a bitch.

Hello.

I'm sure he'll figure it out at some point.

All right.

Anyway, I got Lonesome Loser numbers.

They're all here.

All right.

The Lonesome Loser.

Man, that's right.

Officer Ohio, man.

My brother.

All right.

All right, he sent in the number to the Limoncello Italian.

I don't even remember the name of the place.

I just don't remember what went on.

Here's Consultant General of Vietnam in Perth, Australia.

The Consulate, not the Consultant.

The Consulate General of Vietnam.

Okay.

He comes up with the numbers.

I don't know.

He is the best numbers hit man in the whole world.

Consulate.

Hey, motherfucker, goddammit.

How are you?

I'm fine, thank you.

Oh, good, you son of a bitch.

Hello?

Yeah, how are you, son of a bitch?

Sorry, I can't understand what you mean.

Oh, okay.

Listen, is Tam there?

We are from Vietnam, Consulate of Vietnam in Phuoc.

Yeah, where's Tam?

Tam.

Pardon?

Tam, Tam.

Is Tam there, Tam?

So, what do you mean?

I need to talk to Tam.

Talk to?

Tam.

How?

Tam.

Can you spell it?

T-A-M.

A-T-A-M.

Yes, T-A-M, TAM.

Sorry.

T-A-M, who are you calling from?

I'm calling from the American Consulate General of the United States of America,

United Water Machines Incorporated.

So we want to talk, Mr. Chun?

Yeah, to Mr. TAM.

What's so funny?

Hey, listen, you little monkey, you little monkey shit.

What's so funny?

Sorry, no, Mr. Chun at the office.

Okay.

Is Mr. Nguyen there?

Mr.

Nguyen.

N-G-U-Y-E-N

Yeah, how do you say that?

N-G-U-Y-E-N

Mr. Nguyen?

Yeah, where is he?

Mr. Nguyen

Nobody have

name Mr. Nguyen

in our office.

Oh, bullshit.

Bullshit. There's always a Mr. Nguyen.

Get out of here.

No. No, no, nobody. Sorry.

Goddamn stupid.

Dinky Dow.

Dinky Dow means stupid, Milkman.

It means stupid.

My uncle was in a Vietnam War.

He used to call me that all the time.

What did he say? Stinky Dow.

Dinky Dow. He used to say that to me all the time.

Okay. There you go, man.

That's fucking great.

Always great to know all the phone words, man.

In every language possible.

possible yeah he's he's he's eastern constituency there that goes out too i think he's the guy that

i said used to tell me to just shoot the the villagers and operation wolf or nes he used to

say ah this is vietnamese shooter he um i think he did some shit because he was like a prisoner

of war like he used to watch the prisoner of war the vietnamese ones that they would the u.s would

take and i know they probably did a lot of shit he's always alluded to it but never really told

told me but i'm pretty sure because they he told me like they taught him all the curse words he had

to learn them the army taught him specifically all the curse words he said because if they heard

the vietnamese pows the north vietnamese prisoners that they had taken if they heard him call him

that you know like yell it back to them they would like beat the shit out of him i guess like

he's like they they taught him to know which words were curses so they can like fuck them

them up for disrespecting them you know yeah oh yeah he told me that when i turned 18 i was like

really like shit like what else i can't i can't tell he's the dude man he he went the whole war

didn't get hurt or anything until like a week before the end of before his deployment before

his tour of duty was up one week before it he uh got shot in the back of the knee like it went

went through the back of his knee and came out of his kneecap oh yeah uh i don't know how old he was

back then i don't know i think i guess he was in his 20s back then probably not 21 or so because

they were taking him in early back yeah i think 18 they were pushing him in yeah but he told yeah

and then yeah he said he was pissed off it sounds about right he was just happy that he didn't get

you know he was like how shitty would it have been like if he would have gotten killed the

the week before yet you know it sounds just like a fucking vietnam vietnam movie yeah it wouldn't

be it wouldn't be any surprise either man it could easily be in reality yeah but yeah he made

it back and he had always had a bum knee because of it he always used to prefer standing up to

sitting down because of the bad knee and stuff yeah oh man had agent orange man yeah that sucks

His fucking skin, dude, is messed up.

Well, I had to do something, I guess.

And then they palm shit.

Listen, here's the embassy of the Socialist Republic of Vietnam in Australia.

This is the main embassy now.

We're moving up from the consulate to the embassy, which I'm guessing is in Sydney.

It doesn't say, but that would be my guess.

The embassy would be in Sydney, right?

That's Australia's major town.

I'm guessing because it was the Olympic city.

And it's pretty sure that's like the seat of power in Australia.

Yeah, I think it is, yeah.

We have Australian listeners, I'm sure, though.

Welcome to the Embassy of the Socialist Republic of Vietnam in Canberra, Australia.

First, you'll show up.

One for English, or press 2 for Vietnamese.

I'll do two.

Oh, fuck, I don't know what they're saying now.

You gotta do one.

Use the English as one.

Let's call that.

Try nine.

That might take you back to the main engine.

Yeah, I think we're just getting info.

Please wait a moment.

Oh, there we go.

Oh, hey.

I love it.

And Mario.

Remember the old carnal variety?

We used to have this kind of music.

Yeah.

Can I help you?

Hey.

Dini Mao.

Hello.

Hi.

Is Mr. Nguyen there?

Nguyen.

Sorry?

Nguyen.

Is Nguyen there?

Nguyen.

You are talking with the Vietnam Embassy?

Yeah, I'm trying to call back for Mr. N-G-U-Y-E-N.

Nguyen.

How do you say that?

Mr. or Mrs., please?

Mr. Nguyen.

Yeah.

Nguyen.

Yeah.

Put them on.

Hurry up.

up it's important i have the pizza i'm calling from the pizza sorry about what about concerning

about what i'm calling from the pizza this this pizza pizza pizza sorry can you explain more i

don't understand pizza is a food it's round and it has cheese and you're stupid thank you

she understood that one that was perfect though man pizza man i never even thought of it like

Like that, man.

Visa, pizza.

That's good.

Thank you, lady.

Welcome to the embassy of the Socialist Republic of Vietnam in Canberra, Australia.

Press 1 for English or press 2 for Vietnamese.

It's in Canberra.

They're making Vietcine for her.

Hitting 1.

Welcome to the embassy of the Socialist Republic of Vietnam in Canberra, Australia.

Press 1 for English or press 2 for Vietnamese.

It doesn't recognize your tones, dude.

Sometimes they do that.

You've got to hold down longer if you can.

Yeah, it's...

It probably ain't going to recognize your tones.

All right, all right, all right.

Hang on.

Yeah, he's talking over ruins of two, I think.

Welcome to the embassy of the Socialist Republic of Vietnam in Canada.

9 a.m. to 5, Monday through Friday.

Know the extension of the person you wish to speak to.

Please enter it now.

Please choose from...

Milkman, hit 1.

1 for...

Keep hitting it.

It's working for you.

Please wait a moment.

Hello?

Hey, is Mr. Nguyen there?

I will call with the police.

No, listen, I'll tell you when.

I'll tell you when.

I get your joke, Milkman.

You said just say one.

Big, big picture tonight.

I will call police.

Oh, very funny.

Very funny.

She's going to laugh at it.

Welcome to the Embassy of the Socialist Republic of Vietnam in Canada.

Keep hitting one, Milkman.

Working hours.

Please wait a moment.

Nunu says I was calling the president an asshole.

That's what I was doing.

I think so.

Maybe she's calling the police, Milkman.

Man, that sucks.

Do you think if the Soviet Union had never fallen, they'd still be around and we could prank call them?

That would be awesome.

I wonder how they'd react.

I don't want to call that place again.

That was the Vietnam.

Okay.

And they actually understood.

Hey, Lonesome, get some more embassies.

Let's break some federal and international laws tonight.

Yeah.

All right.

Eastside Big Tom has been sent in by Lonesome.

I guess.

There you go.

She didn't care for that stupid comment.

That seems pretty popular with them.

They know stupid.

They do know that one.

Yep.

You think they know gook?

I don't know.

Gook.

Charlie.

Huh.

Big-ass Tom.

Little-ass answer.

You know what I mean, Milkman?

Ah.

Moving right along.

Appropriate.

Okay.

There is a Derry Dan Drive-In.

Pitching analog, baby.

Derry Dan Drive-In, Milkman.

I don't know if that's...

All right, man.

That's what I'm talking about.

They got the right idea.

Dairyland.

I think there's only a handful of drive-in theaters left in the country.

We've got a couple up here, dude.

I've seen the L.A. tabs on, too.

Because you're L.A., duh.

Hey, is this a movie drive-in or just like another kind of drive-in?

It's a restaurant.

It's a restaurant? Okay.

Yep.

Because I was looking for a place to park with my mistress, you know,

and fingered fucker, you know,

who might have her suck my dick while I finger from behind and all that in the car.

Yeah.

Do you have, like, a dark parking or anything?

No, it's pretty well lit.

You're 24 hours?

No, we are not.

All right, so what time do you close?

We are closed right now.

All right, can I get special dispensation?

Maybe I give you some money.

Are you in charge?

No, I'm not.

Who's in charge?

They are not here right now.

Okay, so who's in charge right now?

There's no one in charge.

We're just running amok.

All right, so between me and you, like, if I give you a few bucks,

you tell everyone else to let me and this girl, like, park for a while?

Yeah, I wouldn't recommend it

There won't be anyone here

And the parking lot's patrolled pretty heavily

Well, if you guys give me special permission

You know, to do that

Like, if I have permission of the owner

Like, you want me to give you a doctor's note

To fuck your girlfriend in my parking lot?

No, no, no, come on, don't be crude

I'm just saying, come on, help me out

I'm just saying, while you're there cleaning up

Can come in real quick, you know

We can go in there and mess around a little bit

We'll just mess around a little bit

Yeah, I don't think so

the dude was obviously homo he wasn't down at all with that part about the girl i told i told him

he'll be crude at first i don't want to finger fucking fucking sucking well most of those guys

there you know are kind of motherly he's not answering back uh nunu explains late that the

it is now a crime to insult or make fun of the prime minister of vietnam and he told me this but

but after I had already called them, so that doesn't help

because that's what we were supposed to do.

Listen, we'll call the Vietnamese embassy again here.

Can you hit ones, please, sir?

Thank you.

Yes, sir.

Thank you.

Now I'll do, I'll say.

I'll get the operator on.

Let me get the prime minister's name.

Welcome to the embassy of the Socialist Republic of Vietnam.

9 a.m. Monday through Friday.

Please wait a moment.

His name is Nguyen.

tell me when it's nguyen tan dong i'm glad at least you caught it man i didn't catch it

vietnam announces fines for citizens who criticize the government on social media

the fine is 100 million dong mailbox oh they're not answering sorry there is no space for recording

in this now that's what the vietnamese currency is it's the dong really wow 100 million dong fine

which equals about $4,700 U.S.

The dong.

A hundred million dongs.

Long dong.

Yeah, that's funny.

Comments to statements that are determined to be propaganda

against a state or reactionary ideology

are classified as a criminal offense

in which the person responsible for them can be sent to jail.

Hey, watch out.

All other non-major offenses constitute the aforementioned 100-dong fine.

Horsey cat dong.

How many dong is a horsey cat?

It's got a pretty big dong.

It's got a horse's dong, not a cat's dong.

All right.

Well, hey, let's get back.

Hey, who was that classic call where the guy came on there,

and he was telling them, like, make a donation for a little Vietnamese kid,

and they're, like, arguing and screaming on the phone?

It's like an old, old call on the old rotation.

Who did it?

Me or someone else?

I don't remember.

No, no.

It was an old call.

It was like way before us, I think.

Okay.

A donate.

Yeah, the guy that was like talking about making a donation for the little Vietnamese kid.

I don't remember that.

I remember the Mr. Burgess one about the big bros, little bros.

I remember that one.

The racist Mr. Burgess.

That sounds to me it might be him.

That might be the one.

dude i just couldn't remember who it was that was like for black kids like black orphans or

black kids like it was called okay okay then that's what it was all right sorry dude that's

what it was i don't know if it is it might not be i don't know i don't know that one's funny

we're all on the same lines he got real mad because they told him he had already

he had already made the donation he got real mad he's you know big big bros little bros

okay that's some crazy shit ted ted used to have all kinds of crazy stuff up too yeah so

just i was just thinking man that was one of them stuck him he still does i'd imagine he still has

the mr burgess calls on his rotation i'd be surprised if he didn't uh he's he's on skype

hello maybe he'll be around when we uh open up the lines in about 10 minutes and maybe he can

oh heck yeah man i'm gonna just ask you how is mr ted oban i ain't heard from him for a while

He didn't want to be, he didn't get back to me on getting involved on the marathon.

Thank you for calling Iron Rabbit.

This is Amy.

How may I help you?

Hey, yeah, Ted, he didn't want to be involved in the marathon at all, you know.

I'm sorry, what was that?

He didn't, I invited Ted to come be with us in the marathon, you know, to participate in the marathon.

And he didn't get.

This is the Iron Rabbit restaurant and bar.

Yeah.

Do you have the wrong number?

You know, there's a Ted there who's eating.

A Ted?

Yeah, and he, like, totally dissed me.

He didn't even bother getting back to me saying, hey, thanks for the invitation to the marathon, but I can't.

You know, he just took the information.

He never gets back to me.

You don't know how many times he does this to me.

I'm not sure who you're talking about right now.

Oh, he's a patron.

He's a customer of yours.

Uh-huh.

Are you wearing tight clothes?

Does it show off your body?

You know, I'm sorry.

You might have to call back tomorrow when the owner's here.

Okay.

To address your problem.

All right.

Thanks.

I just freaked her out.

Horsey cat, baby.

Horsey cat.

I don't know where I ask her if she's wearing tight clothes and if they show off her body.

Yeah, I like how you just slid that in there.

I don't know.

It does always work out nicely.

I don't know.

Whatever.

or you keep on going like you didn't just say that that's always funny and you say

and then some will some will react and some won't you know it just felt good at the time when i did

it all right okay looking here for more turn our music down yeah there's a problem with youtube

video as something about the way i set it up i did it wrong and it keeps publishing it's it's

recording and broadcasting live video uh but not on it's like on a separate youtube account instead

of just being the combined one that i use for google plus i don't know how to explain it exactly

but there's a problem with that i gotta work on that fuck you shit damn it okay you use google

plus do you use that plus well we have a presence on plus mostly it ties in with youtube which we

have a pretty big presence we're doing pretty good on there i haven't i got that plus i never

really use it that much it's just like another one of those things that you know yeah well the

the youtube player on the madhouse site the home page in the chat is designed to show

me live when i i am doing a show and when that's not and but when that's not happening then it

should default to showing you know whatever the latest video that's been uploaded by me

is but yeah it's not flipping over to the live video so for all no one's really complaining

or freaking out as far as i can tell that we're not you know the stream's not switching it should

be switching for the live and your stream switch didn't happen yeah exactly so i think i know what

it is i think i can figure it out this is gonna freaking penastrial tube i gotta test it out

gonna take me a few minutes i'll do it tomorrow and give it a tweak or two man just twist the

Nah, man.

All right, let's call an Indian restaurant that we called a few weeks ago.

This is Jewel of India.

Yeah.

Yeah, Jewel of India.

The asshole is the Jewel of India, you know?

That's what I call it.

Oh, hell.

That's the chakra, right?

What chakra is that?

India is the asshole of the world.

No, Africa is, man.

I'm not trying to sound racist.

It just is dirty.

Hello, India.

Hey, boy, how you doing?

I want to make an order.

Okay.

Okay, one food?

Just a minute, sir.

Okay.

Yes, sir.

Yeah, I need one food.

One?

Food.

Oh, just a minute, sir.

Okay.

One?

Is that your order, sir?

Yeah, one chicken masala.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

One foo.

What is this?

Foo, foo.

F-U-H, foo.

Foo?

F-U-C-K, foo.

I never heard about that, so.

It's F-U-C-K.

You don't know what that is?

Anything else, sir?

Ah, okay.

One bancho.

Hi.

Hello.

You can hold the camera.

Hey.

Okay.

I heard a man, you know, get a little rise.

He comes like a, hold on, hold on, click.

Hold on, click.

Hey, boy.

Hello.

Hello, boy.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

You there, boy?

Hello.

He's like moaning.

I'll keep him on while I call Singapore.

Singapore.

There we go.

We might be able to get him to exchange orders.

Hey, baby.

Hello.

Hey, how are you?

Hello.

How are you?

Hello.

Hi, please.

please. Hey, I wanted to

call about when. Who's on the line?

Oh, this is Eddie. Who?

Eddie. Eric. Yeah.

Yeah, you know the king

of Singapore? Yes, this is Bella

Pizza. Yeah, you know the prime

minister of Singapore? Not really, sir.

Well, he's an asshole. Yes?

He's a stupid asshole. Okay, sir.

Okay, thank you. You're welcome.

Does Singapore have a king or a prime

minister? I don't know these things, Milkman.

I can't keep track. I don't know. I never even

heard of that one there, man.

The guy was very pleased that you informed me, Mr. Satch.

He was like, oh, thank you.

I'll keep that in mind next election.

Okay, thank you.

Okay, thanks.

We'll keep that in mind.

Hold on, click.

Do you know what I heard?

Fanshoot.

Don't do pieces yet.

I hadn't thought about, I hadn't remembered this, these prank calls until just the other day that I was listening to them on the stream.

and i guess the it was during the election last year the presidential election and holy shit the

vice president candidates had their debate and they ended it well they were doing it right as

we were starting the show and i started calling people at random in california and asking them

like do it because dude every day up during that time last year every day after you're getting

getting swamped i was swamped with calls like people asking me to volunteer people asking me

my opinion they were asking me on shit people that weren't even running they were asking me if

charlie chris who was the former governor of florida who switched from republican democrat

if if i would support him in a senate run a theoretical senate run against somebody else

i'm like what the fuck they're not even concentrating on this election they're like

doing projections for future shit now anyway so yeah during that uh i was prank calling people

that's a business man that's a big business man yeah that one shit oh fuck yeah yeah but i was

pranking that's a new telemarketing i was pranking people and asking them who you know who they

support and they all they all said romney and every time i was like is that because is that

because you're a stupid fucking asshole you know they're like what i remember that was great

that was like the third question yeah i was like could you give a favorable opinion between one

and five whether or not you support you know president obama president obama or how likely

will you be to vote for president obama and they go zero like okay is that zero now yeah i didn't

And then I was like, all right, so is that because you're a racist, stupid, fucking asshole?

Every time they were so offended, like, how dare you?

How dare you?

Big Ken is here.

Milkman Ken's here.

Yay.

Yeah.

Hey, listen, sad news.

Last year, I had a really good time doing a Christmas Eve show with Big Brad.

Unfortunately, I have to work Christmas Eve night this year, so that won't be happening.

but we might be able to do like a morning uh christmas morning prank call show i might be

able to do that maybe i'll do it by myself because i'm sure brad's gonna be with his

stupid fucking children and ken's gonna be with his kids and all that shit you know

that's fucking bullshit yo you're gonna teach us some new wrestling moves yeah man ken how you

doing i had to go get me a new goddamn microphone because carlito broke mine at the start of the

marathon i didn't break it you ran it over or something i thought you just keep running for me

yeah i'm gonna spend 40 goddamn dollars for a new one i love orange powerade man it's good

good stuff it's my favorite powerade flavor here's enigma also enigma hi milkman hey uh

milkman and enigma you two need to trade um contacts on skype because milkman wanted to

ask you some stuff and he doesn't think he has you so make sure you turn the contents i think

it's chat room related he had a question all right all right um prank call fix that uh front

page thing too the front page thing what the uh it shows the live show now on youtube oh you did

you figured that out okay all right cool well that's good that's the shit yo wow gotta even

gonna have to do it thanks man good working eggman good boy i'll give you a scooby snack if you were

here okay let me get back to request a prank see if we got anything else can your numbers none of

them picked up none of the request of pranks picked up i was kind of sad about that it should

happen i don't know it's just slow slow night i'm going back to refresh that page real quick let's

see there's a voicemail i see that here we'll play that and we do have three new prank requests

that have come in throughout the show so we'll check that out i think this voicemail does not

have anything recorded yeah it's two seconds long it's just someone hangs up that was in hawaii i

don't know that was the oh yeah the pastor right i don't know if he i wanted to call him back as

the white devil i don't know if that was him or the police that were calling back let me see let

me see who sent that pastor number it wasn't you ken right you didn't send that no it wasn't me

No, it wasn't.

All right, let me go through these here real quick.

Pastor Robert Watson.

Okay, here we go.

This came from Bobby Bob on the internet.

It's going to voicemail.

Forget it.

All right, so much for that.

Let me go back to the newer Request a Prank.

AJ is going to a festival called Stereo Sonic.

Call him and tell him his passport has been revoked.

Okay, and where's he from?

and i think you can see it without being his friend okay oh the his facebook post let me check

this is emergency passport where's auckland what's auckland auckland where is that is that canada no

auckland auk a-u-c-k land new zealand i think right oh it says his nationality is australian

okay i see that there all right that answers that okay and it didn't go through not enough

of skype credit thought i had world credit shit must be a cell phone oh never mind it'll be like

25 cents a minute never mind i'll pass on that are you guys there can you hear me that i am

unplugged okay what a weeknight okay the pastor just called and or he left the text message he

sent the text that says i don't recognize your number who are you okay so he's still trying to

keep an open dialogue with me uh rb save your life one of these days supposedly rbcp sent me

a request to prank and said to call the crazy n-word from last week's show who says she was

going to walmart oh yeah the one with the red hair and the blue eyes yeah yeah yeah yeah but

she wasn't she wasn't black though uh okay i'll get to that nelson mandela university nelson

Nelson Mandela, who died today.

Rest in peace, crazy monkey.

You complain that you didn't get accepted because you're a white and make fun of Nelson.

Why would I make fun of Nelson Mandela the day he died?

All right, why not?

I won't make fun of him, but I'll just reference it, okay?

See if this goes through.

No.

I need a country code for South Africa, apparently.

I'll get 141.

I can scroll, probably, and find it.

South, south, south.

I think I got it.

27.

The number you have dialed does not exist.

Well then, I think that's my fault.

I'll get it.

All right, that should do it.

Note, Nelson Mandela Metropolitan University's contact center operates from 8 a.m. to 4.30 p.m.,

Mondays to Thursdays, and 8.30 a.m. to 4 p.m. on Fridays, excluding public holidays.

Your call is important to us, so please contact us again during these hours.

Well, so much for that, eh?

okay getting moving along here a craigslist ad has come in try to sell them a horsey cat

puppy what puppy to respond okay they're selling or they're giving away a puppy and nova wants me

to sell them a horsey cat i'll pass on the horsey cat part but we'll ask about the puppies okay yeah

guys this show sucks tonight i'm probably gonna quit just just saying pretty soon if it doesn't

get any more peppy here pretty soon i'd rather do something else i'd rather play skyrim like kdk

it'd be like uh oh god on the fucking marathon show where he calls up and starts admitting

the fucking crimes that he's never committed oh yeah i heard about that i heard you guys got

upset i was fucking joke kicking ladies in the stomach and shit he said he was headbutting

women's you guys are real rough on him about that though i don't think it was that big of a deal

Your call has been forwarded

To an automatic voice message system

Wow

The call I really enjoyed was

The spiritual lady who we told

Had a demon in the house

And she's telling Lux to get out

To get out of the house and go to the front yard

Yeah, it sounded like Lux was getting killed

At one point or something, right?

Yeah, I was sitting there going

She's like, what is that? Get out of the house

Did she say call 911?

I think I remember

yeah yeah it's like a demon the demon is choking the shit out of my dad get out of the house

man that was a good time all right yeah it was a good marathon yeah it was like that yeah uh

another voicemail that only lasts two seconds it's from the same guy the pastor he won't pick

up but he'll call back and not leave a voicemail apparently i don't know what i don't know why it's

not ringing it's supposed to be ringing into skype now okay whatever a message from nunu let's see

if he has a brilliant idea.

No, he does not.

There's a big storm surge

coming off the east coast

of England tonight

and some people,

a few,

have been evacuated

from houses

and shit.

His words.

Precisely.

No more numbers

from Lonesome Loser.

Unfortunately.

I understand.

I've been slacking a lot lately.

Matter of truth,

saying that there's

another kebab place

that's a 24-hour one

it looks like.

In the meantime, while I look for that, here's David, who is a minister, another one, who has put his number on Twitter.

Oh, you've reached David Deger Hernandez. Thanks for calling.

Pastor, hello? No.

All right. Don't see the new kebab place here, unfortunately, so I'm going to pass on that idea.

Here's one that came in from Turbo for Robin. Lady is an ex-bond girl who does milk porn now. Nice.

Nice. Turbo does a pretty good job, too.

He's got good ideas, I've noticed.

She does sound sultry and milfy, doesn't she?

I imagine she's in, like, red lace lingerie while she's recording that.

Hey, did Baz ever figure out if she's going to be doing a show or not?

Baz? I don't know. He said he was interested, you know, and I never followed up with him.

uh since you mentioned that to me i don't know i haven't heard from him did anyone help him out or

who was going to help him out with that was i supposed to uh was i uh i don't know i already

was doing a show today or yesterday or was gonna i don't know i don't know is he that'd be good i

don't i don't see has he been on at all i think i think he was me and him were talking back and

forth about doing one okay all right but i don't see him on right now i don't know yeah i just

Yeah, there you go.

There you go.

All right, let me see if Big Ted.

Well, I don't like calling people just out of the blue.

Hang on.

You got to ask first.

Yeah, you're right.

It's a rule.

Ask first.

It's a rule.

Yeah, because I kept getting calls from Matt every time of night

and a bunch of people all the time like, dude, come on, man.

So I started blocking people for it.

I don't think I had Ken blocked, but I think I meant to block someone else.

Yeah, it's true.

Because I wasn't calling you because I don't have

any ability to even fucking host

or anything. Yeah, I know you hadn't called me

so... I can't get a spot

for doing nothing.

That's just the way of the can.

Here's 1930 Spa in Thailand.

This is a place where you cannot call

the king an asshole. As we've learned

in the past, we've also

had fun with the whole

sex on the street. What is it? The shop on the street?

That's where I need to go.

Didn't you get your cell phone number also?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, how are you?

I'm fine, thank you.

May I help you?

Yes, hi.

I am the king of Thailand.

Are you king of Thailand?

And I'm a gay asshole.

May I help you?

Something I can do for you?

Yes, I wanted to order you to take the clothes off.

Hello?

Yes, I'm the king of Thailand.

I'm ordering you to take your clothes off right now on the phone.

Where?

Right now on the phone while you talk to me.

I will only talk to you with no clothes on.

Thailand?

Uh-huh.

You must be careful of your words, what you're saying, you know?

I'm a stupid asshole.

I'm the king of Thailand.

Are you a stupid asshole, right?

Yeah.

So you go back to your country and then go back stupid asshole at your country, okay?

This is my country.

I own it.

I own you, and I command you to take off your pants and panties.

Okay, I command you, I order you to turn off your phone and shut up your mouth and go away from here, okay?

I said do not insult me, the king.

Okay, that was her order.

You shut up your mouth.

Shut up your mouth.

Go away.

I do what I want.

I do what I want when I want.

I'm going to fuck the king of Thailand and the asshole.

whole this is a stupid country

this is

stupid people

king of thailand yeah

Yeah.

Yeah, why?

Why?

He's a sexy man.

Go back, because they don't stay here anymore.

If they don't like you, go.

He's a sexy man.

Hey, what do you want to say in Thailand?

The king of Thailand is a sexy man.

Hello?

Okay.

They are very upset about the king of Thailand being insulted.

I'll tell you what, every time, a lot of times when we say this shit,

these women get real upset about it.

They're really into their king.

Hello?

Hey, honey, how are you?

Excuse me, you want me to call the police?

uh well what are they gonna do they're assholes too they're your stupid asshole like the king

hello what are they gonna do cane me it's okay all right seriously i think the king of thailand

may just touch your penis i could get extradited that'd be something if we had some kind of deal

carly you know prank caller has been extradited to thailand to be caned for the next fuck six

years you're doing the fucking show over there yeah yeah i'm not allowed to leave okay here is

burgerlicious where they have

100% pure beef and water

100% chemical and hormone free

beef and water

oh hey that's why I brought up

water so listen the holidays are here

right aren't you guys excited yay

I don't know if you guys at work

you have like a special like

get together usually in your department

or your company

no we don't do that you have special foods

you know everyone brings in

something you have like a Christmas pot

hot look or whatever all right so anyway we're doing they're doing this where i'm going where

i work at and they set it up on a website where you can pick your name off of a drop down of all

the employees in our department and then you put in what you're bringing you can select from their

list of things that are needed or type in a custom item you're going to bring in instead

fair enough so i went on there to prank uh one of my co-workers i put i picked his name on the

the drop down and i put down that he's bringing in water which is who brings water to a fucking

potluck i hit submit i started cracking up and then after you do that you get taken to a page

that shows you what everyone is bringing and there it shows up his name sean and it says water

you know everyone else has like ham chili fucking biscuits you know shit like that

and one guy on there

says water

awesome I'm really excited about

that I'm waiting for to hear

whether or not I get in trouble for

doing it A

B if he notices and I just

want to see how the rumors get started

it better be some good ass

water yeah it's so stupid

I just I laugh so much when I

did that like water

and it's not even shit he brings from home

he just like gets it out of the tap at work

he just brings him some like

like jugs yeah or you bring in like there's one of those big mcdonald's how does that work i don't

know whenever i went to like school sporting events or band events and shit like that you'd

always see or church events there's always that mcdonald's giant water container you know that

50 gallon jug whatever the fuck that is you know i'm talking about it's huge and orange

you could get it with water and ice or you could get it with orange drink and ice i guess like you

you can rent those from mcdonald's you got to take the cooler back to them i think that you

pay deposit on it or something and you get it back when you return it and they just charge you for

the drink so it's like a fucking keg you gotta pay a fucking core deposit yeah i don't know if

you have to that would be my guess i've never seen anybody running around with one of those

mcdonald's uh massive you guys don't know what i'm talking about maybe that's a florida thing

i don't know but i'll well i've seen it up here i know what you're talking about yeah yeah i don't

know what the racket is with that you just call mcdonald's say hey yeah put me down for two of

those giant things of orange drink you know and you just go and pick it up i guess that's how it

works yeah they give you like fucking six gallons of fucking ice and about two gallons of fucking

orange drink yeah yeah i know that's true but that orange drink tastes good out of that thing

man when it's been sitting there for a long time i remember like you know it's like a summer day

in florida you know in orlando and you know you drink that it was really good anytime i go to

at mcdonald's i always get the high c orange that's the shit i miss orange soda and orange

drink i'm diabetic and there's no good orange soda or drink without sugar blah blah there's

good uh root beer though thank god thank the lord and damn it shit and dr pepper is good

yeah i like dr pepper that's good shit oh yeah man oh yeah it's the best you know what's hard

to do drink a whole bunch of diet of regular dr pepper at room temperature that's impossible to

do i'm convinced yeah did you ever mix mildew with dr pepper that shit's really good too

never heard that no oh yeah mix it wow sounds like an orange like a creamsicle kind of thing

going on i watched a fucking movie the other day with brendan frazier and it called blast from the

past and the dad used to take the dr pepper and actually heat it up on the stove and shit and

drink it yeah i was like that sounds horrible ew heat it up is that a texas thing because

Because they're really into Dr. Pepper in Texas, right?

Isn't that like their shit?

Yeah.

Probably.

I think so.

What's up, Carlito?

What's up, Ken?

What's up, man?

What's up, Milkman?

What's up, man?

What's good?

Nah, shit.

Just chilling.

Fucking longest day ever right now, dude.

My dude.

I hear you.

You're just in time for a really shitty show there, buddy.

I don't know what to tell you, Dozer.

It's all good.

I just wanted to call in and say hello, hang out for a few minutes, you know?

All right.

Cool.

Well, yes.

Thanks.

Hello.

uh burger dude if you ever want to start doing a show again you know let me know you're

you know unless you want to stay on your own network but no i you know what i do i want to

talk to you about that like i'm just really busy with school probably like i want to start it like

in january i think that's what i want to make my return okay to the internets yeah we'll find you

a spot for sure that works out appreciate that my brother no problem all right here's australia

the burger place in australia oh your burgers are 100 beef and water you're 100 beef and water

Beef and water?

What do you mean by beef and water?

I wanna order beef and water

You wanna order beef?

And water

Hot beef water

water yeah beef and water beef burger

and water yeah well you know you put the burger in water and you make like a little gravy ah yeah

you mean a water water you mean a beef and then water and then what do you want me to put in water

uh in the water put the beef inside the water oh okay yeah putting beef in the water and then how

How am I going to cook it?

No, then I'm going to shove it down your stupid immigrant fucking asshole throat.

Right down your throat, your esophagus.

Okay.

Yeah.

Understood.

Okay.

And then?

And then it's going to go on your stomach and you're going to digest it.

Okay.

One minute?

Uh-huh.

So, all right.

Thank you very much.

All right, then.

You are very nice.

Yeah.

And I appreciate your valuable time giving to me.

And I'm all right.

Thank you very much.

It's going to go through your intestines and come out of your asshole also.

Oh.

At the end, you're going to shit it out.

Okay.

Yeah.

So that will make you happy, right?

Yeah.

And you'll probably just shit it out, like, in your backyard, you know.

Okay.

Understood.

No problem.

Like, in a hole that you have in your backyard, you'll squat over it and you'll take a shit there.

Okay.

And then?

Yeah.

You know, sometimes I'll have to go out in the ocean and I take a shit in the ocean.

Okay.

It feels good.

Well, have a good day.

All right.

And then thanks for your valuable opinion.

No problem.

Thank you.

God bless you.

All right.

Good deal.

At least he knows when it's a valuable opinion.

Yeah.

He's like, oh, thank you for talking about.

He's going to cram it down his throat.

I swear to God, I thought I heard Changes by Tupac being played in the fucking background.

Yeah, I didn't notice that.

I didn't.

That's funny if it was.

Or whatever the real version of that song is.

We know.

The sample.

uh chopsticks evoke a beach modern chinese fusion holy shit again that's chopsticks evoke a beach

modern chinese fusion what the fucking shit do you name for a place and it's australian so you

know it's gonna sound really funny when they say all this shit let's see if they answer

saying that god damn i'm bored of my show i'm bored it's a good show man yeah i'm bored tonight

Good calls.

I'm cracking up over here.

That last call had me rolling.

That was all right.

I thought it was fun.

Thank you.

There's a place called Lashings.

What's called that fucking white lady who said she was...

The black lady who said she wasn't white and had the red hair and blue eyes.

That was one of the layaway calls.

Okay.

One with the PS3 that she didn't finish paying for.

Yeah.

It was like a fee.

or there was someone else

that did the stupid bitch feed

are you ethnic

yeah she's over there screaming

she's like nah I'm white

I told y'all I'm white

sounded like fucking

comedy fucking def jam and shit over there

they're all giggling and laughing in the background

yeah and I think

I think Stacy

talked to them

someone called them again

yeah Stacy talked to them the next day

and she was like yeah i know your boyfriend called over here last night was talking shit

yeah yeah i remember this okay it was last week november 28th yes it was okay and it should be

if i gotta look at the names it was like a stupid name was a renee playstation 3 yeah it was renee

yeah renee with the playstation 3 okay that she picked up that day and was getting the fee here

Here we go.

That's a regular old school answer machine.

Maybe the lantern later.

Trying to think.

I think there was another one of these that I picked up.

On the first batch, there were a bunch that didn't.

But later on, I got some more to pick up.

Because I did the Nerf football idea.

And then I did the stupid bitch one at the end.

And then there was the whatever.

Who cares?

Play music.

Flapping hair in the breeze like a piece of shit.

All right.

Here's that place called Lashings.

They do hormone-free barbecue chicken and gourmet chicken and beef burgers.

The place is called Lashings, which to me sounds like Kunta Kinte slavery kind of stuff.

Lashings.

Hey, honey baby. How are you, honey?

I'm fine.

Oh, that's good, sweetie. Honey pie.

Listen, this is Lashings you said, right?

Yes, Lashings.

You know, that just conjures up all kinds of images of slavery, you know, and lashing the black slaves and all that.

Was there slavery here in Australia?

I don't know.

No.

No?

Just the aborigines, right?

So, he doesn't want to.

I guess they wouldn't understand the whole slavery thing.

Well, weren't they all slaves anyway?

They were like prisoners.

Lashings Ramon?

Yeah, I asked her about slavery.

That's right.

Yeah, I said it.

What's that?

I asked, I was asking her if there was slavery here in Australia.

Yeah, fucking Duncold's number again, right?

Was there ever in the past?

Come on.

Dude, that gets them really riled up over there.

That's kind of funny.

Why don't they want to mention it?

God damn.

Maybe they consider themselves former slaves of Britain.

Listen, is it the British thing you're upset about?

What's that?

Is it the British thing you're upset about?

How can I help you, man?

Well, why are you upset that I am asking if there was ever slavery in Australia?

Is that some kind of big secret?

I don't know what you're saying.

Listen, I'm from the United States.

So I'm on vacation, okay?

Sure.

All right.

And I wanted to know, because your place is called Lashings,

I wanted to know if that had to do with some kind of slavery food or something like that.

Like we have in the United States, we have slave food.

We call it soul food.

Are you going to play Sonata or what?

Yeah, okay.

All right.

One hamburger.

Yeah.

Sunny side up.

No problem.

Okay.

One food.

In we go.

One white slave.

I'm going to report this bank also to the police.

I'm letting them know.

What are they going to do about it?

What are they going to do?

I have diplomatic immunity.

Yeah, well, you can't be untouchable.

You know, I'll get deported over there like Bart Simpson in that episode

when he prank called a stupid kid in Australia

and then deported him to get kicked in the ass with a shoe.

Hey, speaking of that, did you know that teacher died?

What teacher?

The lady teacher. I forget her name.

uh no lady teacher no i didn't know yeah and simpsons oh yeah miss krabappel whoever the

actress was yeah yeah yeah yeah i heard they're gonna do an episode to say goodbye to her like

a funeral episode i guess i don't know uh-huh they killed off uh family guy from family guy too

yeah brian from family guy really oh that sucks okay listen in uh london england here's a place

is called the the india and we are ordered to request for donkey curry okay i can dig that

invalid phone number shit it's because i have it entered in wrong all right there we go finally

figured it out i think i got the hang of it now going nowhere here's curry delight in in in in

australia okay got it says new south wales australia doesn't make any sense and there's

There's no New South Wales, Australia, right?

Jesus Christ.

I have no concept of geography tonight.

Hey, buddy.

New South Wales, that's in Australia, right?

Yo, sorry?

You're in Australia?

Yes, I'm in Australia, mate.

Oh, good.

Are you from America?

Yeah, I'm on vacation, yeah.

You're on vacation?

Okay, sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm not trying to sound ignorant or like an asshole, you know?

No, no.

Yeah.

I'm not trying to be a...

I was thinking at this point I was going to be one of those calls from Dilley.

Who?

Dilley?

I don't know.

Nah, sorry.

What can I get for you, my friend?

Yeah, I wanted one steamed donkey.

Wanted what?

Steamed donkey.

Get out of my face, bro.

Before I find out who you are.

I'm not gonna...

Fuck you.

I'll pull your pants down and laugh at the size of your penis.

Get the fuck out of here, you American bug, before I 911 your ass again.

Motherfucker.

Oh, wow.

What the fuck?

Damn.

You hear what he said?

He just amped that shit up real quick.

Damn, he's...

Call him back when you talk to him.

Yes, Yankee.

Yeah, I'd like to make an order.

Yankee

Hey, can I get some donkey

Hey, Yankee

Kangaroo dick

Hey, Yankee

How's George Bush's mom?

Hey, you want me to get her up?

She's fantastic

When's the last time you fucked a kangaroo?

Yeah

How's Texas?

Are you from Texas?

How's Obama?

You're cutting me deep

Obama?

Hey, are you a nigger?

Are you a nigger?

Are you black skinned?

Hey, man, are you black skinned?

Yeah

Are you black skinned?

Oh, fuck yeah

Could you see yourself in the mirror?

Nope

I can't see myself.

Wow, man.

All types of venom from our supposed ally over there.

Listen, he said the N-word and everything.

I didn't...

Well, I'll call him back.

He's asking about Bush and 9-11.

It's somebody in the background feeding him the shit, too.

You can hear him.

Hey, honey, how are you?

Good, honey, how are you?

I'm good, honey, baby.

Listen, I'd like to order one Bhenchod.

Sorry?

Bhenchod.

Sorry, I'll have any of the Machud if you want that.

No, no, no, no, no.

You're the biggest banshoot in the world.

I'm going to fuck your sister.

How's Obama?

No, no, no.

That's not my business.

Yeah, but he's getting aggressive with you.

I think you're a shit-scooting banshoot.

Hey, Yankee.

Hey, banshoot.

Hey, Yankee.

Hello.

Marujod, hello.

Hello.

Hey, banshoot.

How are you?

What's up?

What's up, banshoot?

What?

Banshoot.

What the fuck is that?

Aren't those stupid...

What do you think, Yankee?

Shut up, asshole.

Aren't those stupid...

Yankee.

Aren't those stupid banshoots Indian?

Indian.

Hey, can you see your cock?

Yes.

Because apparently about 90% of people in America are fat and they can't see their cock.

That's right.

Yes, very good.

Yeah, so you can't see your cock.

You've got to lift up your stomach before you look at your cock, man.

Very good, very good.

Can you get it up?

Are you on Viagra?

It looks like you're on Viagra, man.

Sialis.

It sounds like you've got nothing else to do and can't get it up.

Very good, very nice.

Yeah, hey.

Very good.

Oh, you're a fucking wanker.

Stop calling me, man.

I've got a life.

Okay.

This is Australia.

This is not Yankee land.

We don't yank ourselves 24-7

We have a life, you know what I mean

Very good, very, yes sir

Go yank yourself with someone else

Very good, listen, are those guys Indian?

Listen, you listen to me, you motherfucker

I don't listen to you, you listen to me

Are those guys Indian?

I'm not even Indian, what are you talking about?

Are those guys Indian?

Give me a text before you call someone

Hey, Aussie, Aussie

Hey, listen

What's up?

Speak English, mate, not yank

Hey Aussie.

Hello Aussie.

I don't understand Yank.

Hey Aussie.

Hello.

Yes.

Hi.

Hello Yankee.

Yes.

Hi.

Kangaroo.

Oh there you are.

Kangaroo.

Where you going?

Koala bears.

Kangaroo.

Were you yanking yourself?

Yankee.

Hey do you smoke pot?

Yes.

Apparently 80% of people in America smoke pot.

Speak to a friend of mine.

Fuck this American dog dog.

No one left this motherfucker.

Listen I'll send some flights to your house alright?

Watch out.

hello hello this is a clever motherfucker right here all right i'll keep them on while i call

someone else you're a fucking asshole yeah i just hear a lot of slurping like there's a lot of dick

sucking going on over there all right we're calling thailand a pet shop in thailand here we are

he hung up he's a bitch i win here we are thailand

hey asshole how are you hello yes uh i wanted to call about a snake

A snake.

You know what a snake is, right?

Hello?

Yes, hi.

I'm calling about a snake.

Yeah, the snake is the king of Thailand.

The king of Thailand is a snake.

He's a snake.

The king of Thailand is a snake.

I don't know.

You don't know?

Okay.

I was letting you know.

No.

Whatever.

Stupid guy.

I'm going to talk to them.

They have a shitty connection for one.

and two, they don't speak good enough English.

I don't think pet shops are going to speak good English.

I can keep trying.

Here's another one.

I don't think that's the kind of place where normally you have a really good concept of the English language.

But they've proven me wrong in Thailand time and time again.

This country has proven me wrong.

Hello?

This is a pet store?

Pet shop?

No.

Hello?

Hello.

Pet shop?

Fuck you.

See what I mean?

Stupid.

How do people function like that?

if you call them they just go god i really am seriously just about done with the show

more thailand if you guys want to do god that's loud if you guys want to do one of these calls

you let me know including you dozer hey do you speak english

my uh-huh okay that's very good whatever you even is that even thai what you just said or

just you made a stupid voice noise hello aloha aloha peck peck yeah can we get some peck peck

oh that's tagalog right that's filipino what's tagalog for fuck me i'm really stupid today

all right i'll keep you on there while i try to connect someone else you know

can we get some yum yum can we get some of that i'll call england well this lady sits there

william ballum no baths tonight i'm worried about him maybe he had a heart attack or something

him he's like milkman's age i think i don't know how old is he maybe he's getting peck peck yeah

oh yeah hello william hello yeah is that william sorry is that william no it isn't

put him on the phone please i don't have time to talk to you sorry i don't have time to talk

to you can you put him on the phone please honey no you won't it's um no no no you put him on right

right now why is that i come here i order you thailand you still there i hear i hear you little

monkey little thai monkey hello yeah hey i'm sorry about that i got a little upset i'm sorry

who's that oh it's eddie eddie yeah yeah william uh eddie cross william invited me over for

breakfast you know i'm getting out of work early so uh i was hoping i could come over maybe i don't

you guys like porridge or what do you guys have are you joking or what no william invited me over

for um breakfast this morning oh you're still back there too here is uh we're gonna do lashings right

happy and chinese restaurant in australia the guy answered there great hey how are you hello

yeah hi i'm calling about snake a snake yeah i'm calling about a snake yep uh i was

Was it for confirming a booking?

Yeah.

Yeah, around what time was it?

Oh, tomorrow, 5 p.m.

Listen, I need a snake.

Tomorrow.

Yeah, and I'm going to bring a snake.

Was it the 15 to 20 people?

What?

Was it under the 15 to 20 people?

Yeah.

Oh, five people.

Five, I don't know.

Oh, five people.

And one snake.

One snake.

Snake.

Yeah.

Okay.

And again, around what time?

I already told you, 5 o'clock.

I don't have time for this, okay?

Yeah, can I get a phone?

I don't care shut up asshole

asshole shit

he's bringing me down

fuck him

for bringing you down

I'm leaving I'm getting out of here I'm done

leaving early 8 minutes early

see you guys later bye

see you later

bye

see you later there buddy

get with me dozer do you have my other

you don't have my other skype name

that's why

is it cross

cross no yeah the just cross one you do have that one right yeah i got that okay hit me up there

all right oh it's pending though so add like add me all right i'll go back send me another request

if i don't if you don't see them all right talk to you man thanks man bye milkman milkman where

are you milkman maybe milkman's eating turkey still from last week well i'll start my goodbyes

so probably jump in in the middle of them and make us thank everyone all over again all right

All right, well, thank you to Lonesome for sending in numbers.

All the people who sent in requests to pranks, this is Ken, Enigma, and Dozer for joining us.

Of course, Milkman was here.

And a special thanks to all the people we prank called.

Milkman, do you want to do your thank yous really quickly here now that you're here?

Please, thank you.

Hey, brother.

All right, man, I'm sorry.

Back to sleep, dude.

Hey, yeah, man, what a great show, everybody.

Thanks for stopping in.

Thank all our friends over there.

Especially want to thank our numbers hit man.

That's right.

All this help I have.

And everybody showed up in the chat.

Everybody showed up tonight on our special calls.

Thank you so much.

And everybody that just managed to tune in.

Glad to have you.

Yeah.

Thank you, everybody.

There you go.

Did you thank Nunu, Milkman?

Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you, Nunu and Prime Minister of England.

of england because i don't want to get a lashing so we've got to make sure we don't talk bad about

the prime minister there you go all right see you guys later good night all right yeah behave

yourselves y'all take it easy listen to madhouse every night because there's a show every fucking

night on this stupid motherfucker yeah

Calls (31, 1 h 15 min of 2 h 24 min)

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