Somali Blood Makes The Garden Grow
16 Dec 2013 · 1 h 3 min · 9,132 words · source
Calls (21, 40 min of 1 h 3 min)
- Cinears phone call about Dave Clark live 4.1 min clip ↓
- Mr Hooper's Tire Outlet asked about burning tires live 50 s clip ↓
- Somali Community Outreach asked about Somalian blood for garden live 35 s clip ↓
- Ameriglide asked about flushing toilet job live 4.4 min clip ↓
- Job applicant claims disability live 2.7 min clip ↓
- Planet Fitness lunk alarm complaint live 1.8 min clip ↓
- Paralegal calls about racist alarm live 1.0 min clip ↓
- Planet Fitness final confrontation live 4.5 min clip ↓
- Gym member asks about groin cup alarm live 2.1 min clip ↓
- Sauna rules inquiry with sexual overtones live 1.8 min clip ↓
- Follow-up on sauna with bisexual inquiry live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Country club tea time call live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Bathroom mutual masturbation question live 33 s clip ↓
- Common Ground Baptist Ministries about gypsy tears live 1.4 min clip ↓
- Dental office about dog and tooth live 38 s clip ↓
- Dentist calls rival about after-hours use live 2.1 min clip ↓
- Calls about dog on property live 1.1 min clip ↓
- Asks about farm videos for kids live 3.4 min clip ↓
- Replays prank call about farm videos playback 1.4 min clip ↓
- Church asked to talk to Jesus live 1.4 min clip ↓
- Mojo's Pizza order prank live 1.9 min clip ↓
Transcript
You little monkey!
You bastard!
You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.
Bless you. This is the True Life Church of God and Christ.
Please leave your message and we'll get back with you as soon as we can.
Bless you. True Life.
Okay, hey guys. It's me, Carlito, and I'm here with Sloth.
Sloth is here. Hey, Sloth.
Hello.
Hi. Alright, we're going to do prank calls.
I have decided we are going to call Rochester.
Manchester. What state is that in? New York? Is that correct?
I believe so, yes.
Very good. Very north end, New York. Should be, right?
No, I don't.
If not, fuck me.
Look, close look here. Tapas. You like tapas? You saw if they ever had tapas before?
No, I don't really get down with the Hispanic food too much. You know this. I never had fried plantains either until that one day.
Oh, wow. Well, it's Spanish, not Hispanic. Come on, man.
I thought Spanish was a subset of Hispanic, though.
Isn't that how that works?
Spanish is from Spain, from Europe,
and Hispanic is technically like the island of Hispaniola,
which is like where the Dominican Republic and Haiti are.
So Mexicans are not Hispanic?
Well, basically the Hispanic term started being used by the European Spanish
to describe anyone from the New World, you know what I mean?
Huh.
That was under the Spanish crown.
Yeah.
They considered the island of Hispaniola like the capital seat of the Spanish crown of the New World.
So did that end up including actually like whiter people traditionally as well?
As long as they were, you know, white and from those areas?
I guess so.
Yeah, I guess it would be Hispanic, but they were a higher class, you know?
Yeah, caste system and all that.
Yeah, there was a caste system.
Yeah, there still kind of is.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, not technically.
Like, you know, India doesn't have a caste system anymore, but it's still in there, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, I lost the tapas restaurant.
I scrolled around, and I don't know where it is.
So, what's this now?
Pathfinder Engineers and Architects.
Let's harass the lady who answers the phone.
And that's not going to work that way.
I'm trying a different setup once again.
Again, they keep trying to fine-tune my setup, and every time I do it, I get lost.
Yeah, I just had to change mine back up again.
It got too complicated after a while.
And see, this way you don't hear music, so I got to...
Why don't I use a new laptop or something? I don't know.
I need to add a third machine to this mix.
I probably shouldn't have to.
You know what? I should try to follow Brad's guide.
He made a little video that shows how he does it.
Seems to work okay for him.
Thank you for calling Cinears.
If you know your party's extension, you may dial it at any time.
For a company, press 8.
For immediate assistance, press 0.
I will connect you.
Hey, Pathfinder Engineer and Architects.
This is Patty.
How may I help you?
Hey, Sexy.
What's up?
How you doing?
Who is this?
Hey, this is Eddie.
How are you doing, honey?
You sound hot.
Who is?
This is Eddie.
Eddie who?
Eddie Cross.
Who are you calling for?
I was calling for Mr. Pathfinder.
Is he there?
No.
Okay.
There's no such person.
Oh, there's not?
Who's the main boss machine there?
Who are you calling in regards to?
Well, because we're supposed to have a tea time and everything.
He's supposed to be out here for the engineering association.
They didn't really give me a whole idea of who it is that's supposed to come.
I guess he's supposed to be here.
There's obviously a man, you know, because he's the owner, I guess, or the boss, like the main boss guy.
And where is he supposed to be?
He's at Pathfinder Engineering Associates, LLP.
I understand, but where is he supposed to meet you?
Well, I think his name is, like, Clock or something like that.
Clock something.
Can you hang on one second, please?
I guess.
Hi, this is Dave.
Please leave a message, and I will get back to you as soon as I can.
I didn't ask for that.
I didn't need that.
That's weird that she transferred you like that so quickly.
I will connect you.
I'm Junior Architects.
Listen, honey, I didn't need you to transfer me like that.
You said, can I hold for a minute?
Next thing I know, I got put through the voicemail.
What are you trying to pull here?
Sir, I'm not sure who you're trying to get a hold of.
This is a business here.
Clock.
You said you needed to speak to Dave Clark?
Let me talk to Clock.
Okay, hold on one second.
Well, listen, hang on.
He's not there or something.
We'll go to his office and ask, tell him he's got to pick up the phone.
Oh, can I tell him who's calling?
Yeah, tell him Eddie Cross is calling, and I'm going to clean his clock if he doesn't
pick up the phone.
Okay, one moment.
All right.
Sir, I'm sorry.
Mr. Clark is off-site.
That's why it's gone to voicemail.
He's not in the building.
Okay, why didn't you find that out before you transferred me?
You're real dumb.
Would you like his voicemail?
No.
I like to talk to people.
I'm going to talk to computers.
Okay.
Would you like to try to call there?
Well, you write the hang on.
I'm talking.
Why don't you write down a message?
Go ahead.
Can you handle that, honey?
Go ahead.
All right.
David, you sorry, stupid son of a bitch.
And what's the phone number?
Let's see here.
You get that, honey baby?
What is the phone number, sir?
I told you on the stupid thing.
No, you didn't.
I didn't hear any number.
Oh, yeah.
I'm muting my microphone when I tell you, so you can't hear it, you know, because I don't want anyone else to hear it.
Okay, sir.
I need a phone number to call back.
Yeah, but if I say it out, then other people are going to hear it, and they call.
Then I guess you're going to have to leave it on voicemail.
He knows how to get a hold of me.
Spell your last name.
Cross, C-R-O-S-S.
Okay, I'll let him know.
Thank you.
Bye, honey.
See you.
That's great.
Yeah, I can't give out phone numbers this way because I can't bleep it out.
I don't like this new setup, Sloth.
I don't like it at all.
What did you change?
I don't know.
It's just complicated.
It's a lot of work to explain it right now.
I feel you, man.
It is.
Sloth, I've got to make chili.
You've got to miss out on some chili because you live so far away.
I know, right?
What kind of chili?
Making chili, I'm going to put some, well, green.
I'm going to put all the normal, like, green and bell peppers, you know, green peppers, red peppers.
So we're talking a traditional red beef chili here, not a white chili?
I've concocted this for a while.
Yeah, a few years now.
I save the recipe every time I tweak it,
but I save it on Google Docs for the last five years now.
The last time I made it, it was really good.
Yeah, this is a regular with beans, ground beef,
and add a little bit of Italian sausage to it.
That sounds pretty damn good, actually.
But without the casing.
I like the bulk Italian sausage.
What else?
jalapenos. I make it a little spicy
and then I add beer. You got to add beer.
Of course. That goes without saying.
And you drink beer.
Have you ever had a Texas Roadhouse's chili?
No. Yeah, for a restaurant.
That shit's pretty fucking good, I got to admit.
Good.
I'll have to check that out. Go there for their chili.
Alright.
Let me get back to the map here.
You got any suggestions, places we can call?
You let me know, big guy.
I might, actually.
Turbo called these people the other night, and he actually sent me the number for them.
Okay.
Do you remember the crazy people he was talking about?
The guy kept putting his wife on the phone and shit?
I think so, maybe.
Yeah, I can't remember the premise, but, like, they just got real pissed off.
Here, I'll send you the info.
It's got his Facebook and everything, so there's got to be something you can get off of there.
Okay.
All right.
Yeah, they stuck around for a long time and got real pissed.
All right.
Sounds good.
All right.
let me call a tire outlet while you send that mr hooper's tire outlet hey boy how you doing
good how you doing my boy yeah all right let's say how about how many tires would you need let's
say to oh i don't know burn down a tree in a tree house attached to it like an oak tree it's a pretty
like an old it's like an old monk cocks like an oak tree i'm not sure uh maybe you think maybe
Maybe four or five tires, like big tires.
You got the big tires.
Which ones burn higher when you put gasoline on them?
I don't know.
Sorry.
I really don't have time for this.
I'm sorry.
I don't know.
I don't know about burning tires.
You don't know anything at all.
All right.
Well, thanks, man.
No idea.
Thanks for nothing, asshole.
All right.
All right.
Good for nothing, bitch.
Fucking Powerade, man.
Drinking at night.
It's a little bit cheaper than Gatorade.
It's the knockoff, you know?
I miss Allsport.
Oh, man.
I haven't heard that in years.
An old-school one.
Carbonate.
Yeah, listen.
Do you have anyone there who maybe is like a foreman
or has any advanced knowledge of the burning of the car tires at all?
Like the chemistry behind it?
No.
He doesn't want to play.
All right.
Leave him alone.
I think that's a legitimate question.
Yeah.
I think they should know about that stuff.
Here's to Somali community outreach.
Sure, why not?
Tell them your wife is from Somalia and you need help keeping her in line.
Yeah.
I just need some tips.
Big Baz is here.
Hey, Baz.
Hey, Caruso.
Hey, man.
How's it going?
I'm bad.
Very bad.
Thank you.
You're very bad.
Why?
Oh, good.
You were paying attention.
Just playing.
No, a lot of times people just aren't sincere, and they just say, oh, that's good every time.
So as an honesty test, I just do that.
No, I'm really good.
But thank you.
All right.
Cool.
Because I asked Sloth the same thing last time I saw him.
He was like, oh, that's good.
I don't really care.
That's bullshit.
I did not do that.
Yeah, is this Somalia Research, what is it, the Somalian Research Outreach Machine?
Which?
Yeah, the Somali Research Outreach Machine.
It's not a machine there, sir.
Oh, okay.
All right, that's good, yeah.
It's Somali Community Outreach.
Okay, yeah, but how much for, like, one pint?
Huh?
How much for, like, one pint or two pints?
Like, one and a half pints.
Pint.
I didn't care what you mean, pint.
I mean, like, Somalian blood, like, blood.
Somalian what?
So I do this thing with, like, blood from Somalians, you know?
Like, I put it in the ground, and it helps grow my garden.
I live here in Rochester.
Yeah, I have a garden in my house, you know?
And I always add Somalian, like, the blood from Somali people,
like, their blood to the soil, and it helps grow it, yeah.
Who's that? Who's going to help me?
Well, you seem like you speak good English.
You have a good diction.
What's the matter with you?
What are you doing?
Are you taking a shit in the toilet?
What are you doing?
Oh, my God.
I was going to ask him if he was Christian, Somali, or Muslim.
I think he's Muslim.
If he's in the States, he's probably Christian.
Muslims don't like us much.
All right.
Well, I got an automatic text from him also.
came right in you know let's call labor ready one of those places mexicans get jobs from that's
basically all i know about them and white people who are felons also we all know someone who does
that temp work all right that's a pretty big company they're just about everywhere i wonder
what ameriglide is hey boy how you doing good good listen this is cross i wanted to come get some
work you know okay what kind of work you guys do we do a lot of different things you guys
Guys, I like to flush the toilet, you know?
Okay.
Yeah, I flush the toilet.
I like to pick things up and I put them down.
Okay.
Yeah.
Do you have anything like that?
We do a lot of different things.
Have you applied with us?
What do you mean by apply?
Explain that.
Well, you don't, you know, I don't understand that.
That sounds silly.
Applying?
Applying what?
What am I applying to you?
Well, you're asking me for work, so have you applied for, have you come in and applied?
Well, yeah, I know how to apply myself.
Sure, yeah, I got it.
Yeah.
Why after the first?
Why after the first?
What's going on now?
What do you do there now?
What do you do?
Why do you answer the phone?
Like, what do you do today on the computer and everything?
What are you doing today?
It's Eddie.
Eddie Cross.
Yeah, I've applied a lot of places,
and I know exactly how to apply myself.
I pick things up.
I move them over, and I put them down again.
And then I get in the car, and I back it up, and I put the key in,
and you put your foot on the brake, foot down, you turn the key,
and you make sure you adjust the mirrors and everything,
and you honk your horn a little bit just in case someone's coming behind you.
And you put it in reverse.
You hold down the button on the gear, and you put it to the big R,
And then you back out slowly.
You go slowly, you know.
And always looking in all three mirrors, one, two, three of them.
There's two on each side and one in the middle of the front.
And that's so you can, if you look in the mirror, whatever you see in the mirror is the same thing in back.
But you got to remember, like, if you're going to read something, it's going to come up backwards in the mirror.
It's kind of confusing.
It took me a while to figure that one out.
Hello?
Hello?
We'll keep him on
I don't think he put the phone down
He's like whatever
He lost his patience with you
I picked things up
And put them down
Hey you know
As you might know
I'm unemployed right now
Do you have a job
I could try to apply for
Carlito
Any job numbers
You're unemployed
That's crazy
Why are you unemployed
What happened
Did they close your
Oh
My boss ran out of money
Oh
Hopefully for only six months
but hey it's okay i got six months of unemployment good very good man you know my wife's working now
so that's it's all good good you get to stay home and relax yeah yeah my prank phone calls now you
gotta clean and cook hello i do which hello you could be an asshole not do it you could be a bad
husband just be like hey you could be a bad husband right and when you get home you'd still
still have to clean and cook after you're working all day i'm sorry yeah if i was your husband and
i'd be like a bad husband i wouldn't work you'd be the one that works and you come home and i'd
still make you clean and cook i'm sorry are you calling the right person yeah it's a mariglide
this is the woman that works at the answers the phone in the mariglide how you doing honey
how are you hey honey baby yeah yeah so i just yeah when you come home are you gonna clean and
cook and stuff, or how does that work?
I'm not sure. What is it
in regard to? I'm just
getting a feel for you before I move
further with your company. How about you go
further and then don't
eliminate the first part?
Yeah, I'm trying to get the first
base, you know? Okay. What are
you offering? I'm offering a home run.
It's in my pants.
You know what I mean?
Okay.
She sounded a little intrigued.
Yeah, she didn't know what to make of it at first,
now. She's like, can I talk to her?
Yeah, but I had something I had to tell her.
Yeah, I could literally knock over
your pencil container off
the desk with it. Well, I'm going to put Baz
on the line because I got a lot of shit I got to do. Go ahead, Baz.
Yeah, hi. This is Baz
Noswell. I'm looking for a job.
Hello. Hello, yes.
What do you mean you're looking for a job?
Yeah, I'm coming in to
apply for a job. Damn it.
We're not hiring.
Oh, you're hiring.
When I come in
and you see my resume and you see my qualifications,
I guarantee you, you will want to hire me, damn it.
Okay, how about, let me have your information
and then get the right person.
No, okay, let me shoot you some info.
What kind of info do you need?
I'm going to give you some info.
I'm the speaker.
Okay, who are we speaking to?
This is the very distinctive sound of pissing.
Hello, damn it, I don't have all day.
I need a damn job.
I have not understanding.
My understanding?
I understand this.
Take the shit from the toilet.
How's that for a qualification?
You may not be the right person.
Oh, I am the right person.
Give me a job, damn it.
Yeah, Aunt Jemima, give him a job.
It's discrimination.
I'm handicapped.
You have to be an equal opportunity employer.
I've got dyslexia, and I'm going to file a suit.
Hello?
Hello. Here, I want you to speak with my attorney, Ron Newman.
Hello, this is Mr. Newman. Are you there, ma'am?
Yeah, ma'am, I understand there's been a little incident between you and my client,
and he's, you know, considering pressing charges currently.
Dammit.
You're accused of both racial discrimination and discriminating against people with handicaps.
Who are you calling for, sir?
We're calling for you, big girl.
Calling for a job machine.
They said to ask for Aunt Jemima.
You're not available.
I also have Crohn's disease.
I'm on the toilet right now.
And AIDS.
Yeah, I've got the hiv.
The ninja.
Okay.
That was a good one, though.
Aunt Jemima, I was dying.
See you over there.
Aunt Jemima.
She sounded black to me.
I don't know.
She did.
That was just so good.
I didn't expect it when you said it.
Jose has a new girlfriend.
Thank you for calling Planet FNS and Gates.
Hey, this is Lauren. How may I help you?
Yeah, what's with that lunk alarm you've got there?
I'm sorry, what was that?
The lunk alarm that you have there, it goes off whenever people of color come in?
No.
I was in there, and now a person of color came in to use the gym,
and you guys turned on the alarm on him a few days ago when I was there.
I'm very upset about this.
No. Do you want to talk to the manager?
Yeah, because I saw on the news how there's stores that do this.
like when a colored person walks in the store you have a special alarm that goes off well if you want
to hold for a moment um he'll be right up here okay you better hurry up missy is gonna be a lot
of trouble for you get over there big girl if i was there i'd spank you in the ass shoot you away
now it is quiet all right i'll call a different one we'll see if they come back or not
hey boy how you doing hey listen you guys have that alarm over there is that for when colored
Colored people come in, you turn it on.
Who is this?
This is Eddie.
Who?
Eddie.
Eddie.
Yeah.
Eddie who?
I'm a paralegal, Eddie Cross.
I'm a paralegal for Bob Morton.
Okay.
Yeah.
One of our clients is a colored man, and he said he went in there and they turned on some alarm when he came in the door.
No.
And he found out that it's because he was colored, because he's black.
Because he says, and we've ran into a lot of businesses here in the area that have a special alarm.
They turn on when, you know, certain races of people come in to warn everyone to watch them.
And they say that they were following him around the gym and everything.
I think that if you were a paralegal that you'd know better than that.
No, this is documented that a lot of places locally have been doing this and we're coming down on that.
And he says that the alarm went off when he walked in.
Yeah, we don't do that.
Well, you have an alarm there on the wall, don't you?
Yep.
The Lunk alarm, right?
That's right.
And that's for black men when they come in, you guys turn it on.
That couldn't be further from the truth.
Well, how come he was the one that came in and it went off?
It doesn't go off upon entry.
Yeah, they have smell detectors and everything in the door.
Yeah, no, we don't have smell detectors.
Is there anything else that can help you with it?
You know what?
What, I wake up every morning and you know I see the bright side?
You know what that is?
Oh, I guess I'm not going to say my joke.
The bright side.
You got to look on the bright side.
You're shiny white skin.
But that's bad.
That's racist.
Yeah, we don't want that.
Let's call the First Planet Fitness back where the girl doesn't know how to use the phone.
I can't stay out much longer because I do have to work tonight and I do have to go on by the shit for that chili and shit.
Not answering, not answering.
Thank you for calling.
How can I help you?
Hey, Gay, how you doing?
I'm good.
How are you?
I was just talking to you, and, like, you hung up the phone.
You just stayed silent.
What happened?
What's this about?
I haven't spoke to anybody on the phone because I was on break.
Who's the other stupid girl that's there?
Unfortunately, we don't have any stupid employees here.
Oh, you have a big, stupid girl there with a big, fat ass on her.
Okay, and I'm sorry that you feel that way, but is there something that I can help you with?
Yeah, bro, I was there getting my burn on, okay?
Totally.
Okay.
And my legs and everything, and then fucking this lunk alarm went off.
Okay.
And it's because I'm colored, I guess, because when you're in there and you're a colored person,
you guys have a secret alarm that goes off to warn the employees to look out that I'm not stealing the weights or anything like that?
No, that is not our lunk alarm.
Our alarm's purpose is if we see someone grunting or dropping weight
or doing anything that might be offensive
or make someone else feel uncomfortable, we do set off an alarm.
It has nothing to do with color or facts or anything like that.
No, it sounds like a ruse.
Because why is it the minute that the black man came in the door,
you started turning on the alarm?
um sir unfortunately i'm unsure what you're talking about um and it's a racist alarm it's
a racist place how come you don't have any colors in your logo there's no black and it's all purple
and yellow and stuff um sir if you do have a complaint you can always go on com and file a
complaint there um our manager has stepped out to go to the bank if you'd like to give us a call
later this afternoon you can speak to him directly is there a man i can talk to um like i said the
manager has stepped out not a manager hang on honey maybe you don't understand baby is there
a man like any man is something not a stupid woman you know like you okay
Something that's not stupid?
The manager is a male, and like I said, he is at the bank.
Thank God.
Thank God for that.
Okay, is there anything else that I can help you with today, sir?
Yeah, can you make me a sandwich when I go to maybe iron my shirt when I come down there?
No, unfortunately not.
If you have any questions about gym memberships or anything like that, we can help you with that.
Can you take a note down for the man?
Sure, I can.
Okay, you ready?
Would you like to leave your name and telephone number?
My name is Cross, and I would not like to leave my phone number.
Okay, well, just to let you know, we do have caller ID here.
Oh, good. There you go. You don't need it then, asshole.
My name is Cross.
Okay.
Okay, the message is, you stupid fucking asshole.
Write that down.
Okay, I'm sorry that you feel that way.
I will be hanging up now.
You motherfucker.
Have a good day.
You motherfucker, you.
All right.
so they said that the alarm
they set it off
and people do something offensive
it's like if you're in there
being like a mean head like you're grunting
a lot when you're working out or you're
dropping weights yeah then
they make it go off
I was going to ask her you know what happens
if you have to adjust your
cup you know in your pants
a lot I wear a cup when I
go weight lifting and I sometimes have to
I just stick my hand in my pants and adjust things around.
Sometimes I get excited.
I can call her back.
She does have caller ID, as you heard.
Yeah, she's probably not going to answer.
I'll call the competitor downtown instead.
Thank you for calling.
This is AJ.
How can I help you?
Hi, Adrian.
My name's David Snozzwell.
I've got a question about your, do you have the lunk alarms?
Sure, yes.
Yeah, so I've been told that the lunk alarms will go off if you're in there and you're working out
and you're grunting or maybe doing anything offensive,
and I just want to make sure that I won't set it off.
I always wear a groin cuff when I go do my weight lifting,
and sometimes I have to adjust it quite a bit.
So when I'm lifting, every minute or so, I'm sticking my hands down my pants,
and I just want to make sure I don't set off the alarm.
Do you have anything better to do with your time than make phone calls like this?
No, this is a serious call.
I mean, I paid a lot of money for the membership.
Well, obviously, sir, if you have to call and ask that question, you know that that's...
Are you a member currently, sir?
Yes, I am.
You are? Of which location?
Your location.
Of my location, and what's your name?
My name is David Snozzwell.
How do you spell your last name?
S-N-O-S-W-E-L-L.
Okay, and you're calling to ask me if you can stick your hands in your pants in public.
Yeah, I have to.
I mean, I have to wear a groin cup.
Okay, well, obviously you cannot.
And if you are a member, sir, I'd highly advise that you don't do that.
And that question has been answered.
Okay, is there anything else I can help you with?
Yeah.
Well, a rectal prolapse set off your damn alarm.
Yes, most likely.
And that's why I'm supposed to be working out to strengthen those muscles, the sphincter muscles.
Great.
Thanks for calling.
Bye-bye.
I paid a lot of money.
What a dick.
What a dick.
That question is banned.
Don't ever ask that again.
Yeah, he said that question.
He didn't even say that practice is banned.
That question is banned.
I'm going to make a sign and hang it up in the gym.
Fucking Nazi.
I should know better than to stick my hands in my pants, he said.
In public.
Can't do that.
Yeah, you can adjust your groin.
Fucking A.
Fucking A, man.
It's a safety issue.
Yes.
Yeah.
Anyway, all right.
let's uh move on here let's call the competitor gymnasium let's do that
slot did you want to do a call you just sit there like a little shit some well you said
something earlier i think yeah i'll take the uh security card call but i pasted from rochester
yes yes sir good afternoon about patient speaking let me help you oh hey how are you you guys have
sauna yes we do oh good and what's the time limit on the sauna um i believe me that's supposed to
for half an hour okay and then i can put whatever i want on those hot coals right no it's a dry
sauna oh you don't have the coals i have to put like mountain dew and marijuana on the hot coals
no no nothing like that uh can i vape in there no okay well i mean it's either that or i'm
gonna smoke one of the two which one will you have okay is it unisex like no men so the men
Oh, yeah.
Men together in the sauna, right?
And what's the code?
What's up?
What's the code?
We'll code for a while.
You know, like, do you tap your foot there, or how do you initiate?
None of that stuff.
You just take your towel off and wait?
You just sit, and nothing will happen.
No, but, you know, every place has a code, like, for the gay ones.
Like, you can tap your foot, or, you know, you take your towel off.
No, it's a good day.
We don't have anything like that.
Yeah, okay.
You have a good day, too.
You, too.
Who are you talking to?
Okay.
She sounded cute, right?
Sloth, talk to her.
Ask her out.
Yeah, I think that one definitely wanted it.
Ask her out, Sloth.
Can I help you?
Hey, yeah.
My friend had just called in.
He had made some inquiries about your dry sauna, I believe.
Hello?
Yeah.
Oh, hello.
Can you hear me?
Hello?
Can you guys hear me?
Yeah.
I hear you.
Okay.
Yeah, I thought it was muted for a sec.
I was like, shit.
Nope, nope.
Can you hear me this time, dammit?
Yes, I can.
Hello?
Okay, well, listen.
My friend had called in here earlier.
He made some inquiries about your dry sauna.
Uh-huh.
Okay, now I understand that you guys don't have any particular code for the homosexual men or anything like that.
No.
Well, the thing is, I'm actually a bisexual.
You know, I go, I like the men and the women, both the penises and the vaginas, both organs.
Uh-huh.
So, you know, I was listening in on that call, and I was thinking, you know, even if there's no code, maybe I could come in there, and, you know, I come up to the front counter, and I give you, like, 20 bucks, you know?
No, sorry.
You imagine me, we go into the dry sauna together.
Nope.
You can, like, lock it down.
Nah.
We'll go in there and we'll smoke marijuana together.
Nope.
Come on.
No.
All right, well, can I ask you one question?
Yep.
How big are your areolas?
I guess that question is banned also.
It is.
Banned questions.
Okay, moving right along.
But I think he could win her over, Sloth, if he did go in there.
Yeah, I think it needs to be in person, though, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah, you could charm her in person.
She sounds like she's down.
Yeah, she sounds like she's down to have fun.
Nice, cheery girl.
Okay.
How about a country club?
There we go.
I know I haven't.
Yeah, you play golf, Bez.
I know you do.
Yeah, I was going to say.
I have.
Definitely are a golfer.
Hey, boy, I need to make a tea time over there.
Okay.
All right, put me down for two tea spaces.
For three white people.
One...
Okay.
when he heard this when he hung up you know yeah they're not allowed there he's like oh it's
obviously a joke no did you hang up because i said no pro shops deal with the tea time why are
you so scared to talk what's wrong you sound nervous are you okay yeah i'm fine you're like
a little flustered what's wrong honey what time is your lunch did you take lunch already don't
be shy i'm shy poor guy shy guy probably takes him like five minutes to start peeing when he
He goes to a public bathroom.
I think a bunch of us do, too.
Hey, that one guy that's there, he's a little shy, right?
I wouldn't say so.
No, because he's like, he didn't want, like, I asked him a personal question.
He was in the bathroom with me.
Okay.
And I was tapping my foot, and he started tapping his foot back.
So I was asking if he was interested, you know?
Is there something I can help you with?
Yeah.
Can I talk to him?
because I want to know if he's interested in, you know,
mutual masturbation or something in the bathroom with me.
I can come back.
No?
Okay.
Mutual masturbation.
Safe sex, guys.
Safe, clean fun for all you teenagers out there listening.
Yeah, and if you have more than one man,
you can have a circle jerk.
I mean, more than two.
Or do the Dutch rudder.
Hey, the other night, Turbo D9 and who was the other one?
We made a call to a hotel in Saipan,
and we got the lady to book us a room for four men, one bed.
Four men, one bed.
Yeah, we told her that we had the first four-way male wedding,
homosexual wedding, so we were all married together on our honeymoon.
Okay.
And she was really cool about it.
She was saying, well, this is so cool, you know.
She said she was going to come visit us when we checked in.
That's nice of her.
Okay, cool.
Pretty progressive of her.
All right, so is it Frank Sloth?
That's the security guy you were talking about?
I guess.
It says contact Frank about the job.
There you go.
Frank, please record you.
Okay, no answer.
Son of a bitch.
Sorry.
That's what I said to myself.
All right, let me vector back in here in Google Maps where we've got garden and home.
I have no idea what that would be, a magazine or a garden store, something like that.
Kind of like a Stouffer's at Kissel Hill, probably.
Maybe.
And we can ask them about my rude question about Somalian blood.
What? Make your grass grow. Here we go.
Callers and help.
Well, we love bringing the joy, sparkle, and spirit of the season home to you.
If you know your party's extension, you may dial it now.
That's going to...
Detail store.
Common Ground Baptist Ministries, how may I help you?
Hey, how you doing, motherfucker? How are you?
Hello?
Hello?
Yeah, how you doing, honey?
God bless you.
God bless you.
Hello?
God thank bless.
God bless you, goddammit.
Common Ground Baptist Ministries, how may I help you?
Yes, hello. I'd like to see about making a reservation.
Sorry, what kind of reservation are you referring to?
For the goddamn church.
Hello, this is Jamie.
Hey, Big Jamie, how you doing, big girl?
Hi.
Hey, I'm trying to get some information about the goddamn gypsy tear, motherfucker.
I do not know anything about that.
I want to know how many gypsy tears you got to put in the motherfucking soil to make it grow nice.
Gypsy tear.
In that motherfucker, yeah.
What the hell is it?
It's just fucking gypsy tears.
You go up to gypsies, you get their tears.
And you put it down in the fucking soil, you know?
Yeah.
That motherfucker grows nice and tall, that motherfucking shit.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I don't know what to tell you.
Damn.
How much gasoline should I put in the soil?
No idea.
All right.
I don't even know what you're talking about.
Oh.
Wow.
Unfortunately.
Can I get nitrates and gasoline in it and all that?
All right.
Can I piss in the soil?
I guess, if you want.
Yeah, well, that'd help the soil out, make it nice and alkaline.
Make it more alkaline.
I would think of making it more acidic.
More acidic?
Ah, fuck, you know?
Yeah, lime.
Lime makes soil more alkaline.
Good.
Man, I could put salt in it.
I'm going to go to the church.
I'm going to put this stuff all in there, soil, around the church so all the plants die.
Oh.
At Bull Baptist Church down the street, you know the one?
Oh, why?
Are you having a bad day?
I don't like them.
They're assholes.
Oh, I see.
Yeah, they're motherfuckers.
I see.
Yeah.
Well, sorry about that.
All right, honey.
Well, what about you?
You got dark hair or light hair?
Any hair.
You sound like a goat.
A goat with a cold.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You like to fuck?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's cool.
Do you like sex?
Do you like to fuck or do you like sex?
Gypsy tears.
It sounds like some kind of...
I watched the four out the other night for the 58th time.
it sounds like some kind of flower care center this is cheryl can you hold please yeah i want
to bring in this fucking goat in there take him in this fucking ass lovely but did you know that
there can be a risk from your pet food too fortunately i like that part when borat's
talking about his sister going she was spreading her legs and saying to the retarded brother you
will never get this you will never get this packaging that is free of risk then one day
Okay, he broke the cage, and he got that.
...with soap and water after handling pet food and treats.
Don't use the same utensils or dishes for preparing your pet food and your family.
Thanks for holding.
This is Mallory.
Can I help you?
God damn it.
How you doing, Mallory?
I'm doing well.
I'm going to bring this goddamn dog motherfucker over there.
He's sick again, this son of a bitch.
Okay, excuse me, but we don't...
I won't tolerate that language.
Well, I'm frustrated with this goddamn dog.
Well, okay, but I don't appreciate that language, so...
he's an asshole. I'm sorry. He's a
little jerk. He's a little...
I just want to... Sometimes I want to
kick him right in his fucking ass.
Okay, I'm going to hang up now.
Sorry. Unless you get... Okay.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
She's nice about it, though. Yeah.
You tell him, Baz. Try to call him. Tell him...
Mr. Senator, this is Mallory. How can I help you?
Yeah, that damn dog.
We're having some problems with the damn dog.
What's your last name?
Snozzwell.
And how do you spell that, please?
S as in shit.
N as in nookie.
O as in orgasm.
S as in semen.
Nope, nope.
All right.
That worked the other night.
That cypano told the lady, actually let me spell out my whole name.
Here's a dentist's office.
I'm going to tell them I got a problem with my goddamn fucking tooth and take it out.
This is what I end up doing in these daytime shows.
It just keeps me sneaking in motherfucker and fucking all the time.
People are like, okay, why are you talking?
like that this is a business hey boy how you doing this is the dentist yes hey listen i need to get
this motherfucking tooth out of my fucking mouth man i want you to take out this motherfucker
okay who's this how do you do that how are you gonna do that i need like i need the gas and that
motherfucker yeah you got that motherfucker i know who is this really this is cross cross who
Dr. Cross.
Dr. Cross.
Who the hell are you?
No, this is Cross.
Dr. Cross.
Who's Dr. Cross?
Okay, well, I'm a doctor.
I'm a different dentist and coming into town.
Okay?
And I'm a friend of Don Scott.
Okay.
All right, and he told me to give you a call and talk about the fucking tooth, motherfucker.
You don't talk like a dentist.
I'm not a dentist.
I practice my own dentistry, but I mix my own fillings and stuff like that.
I got the recipe from Silk Road.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
So I'm going to undercut you, but I'm not licensed, you know?
Mm-hmm.
Well, how about I come in maybe once a week at night after hours.
I'll give you, say, 30%, so it'll be about $5,000.
Okay.
And I can use your facility after hours, you know, for, like, five, six hours, like, really late, like, from midnight to five in the morning.
And I get in, like, illegal immigrants and stuff like that.
I got a whole client list.
Oh, thank you.
You're funny, but no thank you.
I'll give you, like, 30% of it, man.
No, thank you.
Come on.
Hey, you have a good day.
Have a good holiday.
Can I just use the x-ray machine then?
No, thank you.
But have a good day.
Bye-bye.
Okay, bye.
All right, he's not down.
He's not helping us out at all.
I'm going to be ending the show here in about 15, 16 minutes
because I'm going to be headed to the grocery store to buy that chili shit.
Can't wait to have some chili.
Good old chili.
Chili machine.
Yeah.
We got a potluck at work, and that's what I'm bringing tonight.
Everybody's going to be making the fart machine.
And what happened with your coworker?
Hey, boy.
How you doing, boy?
What's going on?
Hey, you see that goddamn dog?
I'm calling from the animal care counter.
This goddamn fucking dog ran out of the door, the back door.
I haven't seen anything.
He ran on your damn property, damn it.
You got his phone number?
Yeah, the number here is 377-1160.
All right, I'll call right back.
Where are you going to go?
What are you doing?
I'm going to go look outside.
Well, you don't even know where he is, motherfucker.
You just said he ran on our property, right?
Yeah, he's on your goddamn property.
We need that.
It's one of our patients' fucking dogs.
I understand that, but there's no reason to be cursing.
He's got medical equipment.
He was dragging it with him.
He's got an x-ray machine.
And it's throwing x-rays.
I got to go out and look.
I'm inside.
It's throwing x-rays out.
All right.
All right, buddy.
All right, motherfucker.
See you.
He's going to call that place back.
He's going to go look.
And then he's going to call the place where I talked about kicking the fucking dog in the ass.
Yeah.
He's like, there ain't no damn dog here.
What are you talking about?
All right.
We already called the garden home.
Here's Wickham Farms.
Looks to be some kind of farm.
All right.
They have an ATM.
I wonder if they got any horses.
I don't know.
They have an ATM machine there.
Maybe it's like a restaurant.
I don't know.
Looks really big.
They have a website, wickhamfarms.com.
if y'all want to check that out, throw them some
support. We can.
If you're ever in upstate New York, if
the fucking Google Chrome will work, I
can copy this fucking number, motherfucker.
Oh, I got it.
Here's the link here of what they
got in their barn. They got horsies?
No, they got
ice cream, baked goods,
coffee drinks, plants.
Look, you can get farm videos.
Nice. Farming for kids,
dairy farming for kids.
Can I talk to them? Yep.
That will be reopened in April.
Thank you.
I think I got it right.
No, I don't.
Yeah, this is Bill.
Hey, Bill.
I'm calling about the farms, the farm videos.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, hey, I was wondering if I might be able to purchase some of these farm videos for my kids for Christmas
because they're interested in being farmers.
Yeah.
So I was looking on your website, and you have one called Dairy Farming for Kids.
Yeah.
So that would teach them how to milk the tits of the cow?
Because we're thinking about buying a cow.
Yeah, I mean, it's on a pretty modern farm, but sure.
I mean, if you've got any overview, not really.
Show my kids how to grab the teat and squeeze it and make the milk come out?
Sure.
Okay, great, yeah.
And also, I want to make sure that these videos are age-appropriate,
so there's no scenes in there
where you're going to see the sexual organs of the cow
because my kids are too young for that.
Yeah.
Are there any videos of horses?
Because, you know, the male horse has a big penis,
and I don't want my kids to see the horse penis.
Okay.
Yeah.
Do you have a job?
Yes, I do, as a matter of fact.
I'm a dentist.
Sounds like it's almost time to get back to it,
if you're serious.
Yeah, well, no, I have the day off today,
and I'm just looking for videos for my kids for Christmas.
I just want to make sure there's no cow vaginas or horse penises on the videos.
You want to place an order, just go to my website and punch them.
And can we come to your farm and touch a horse penis?
We've never done that before.
Yeah, why not?
My wife and I.
Okay.
But you're closed for the season, right?
So we climb over the fence or what?
Yeah, that's what I would do.
Or do we knock on the door?
Yeah.
Okay, I'm going to bring my kids over.
Yeah.
After I get done, I've got to do a wisdom tooth extraction first because I'm a dentist.
I'll call the FBI, right?
Why don't you call ahead so I can have them waiting for you, dickhead?
Oh, no.
I mean, this is so legitimate.
I mean, you're telling me to come over.
You invited me.
He said, welcome.
That guy's awesome.
He's calling the FBI, man.
He's not even calling the cops.
But he invited me.
Tell me to come on.
Yeah, so I was calling about the co-op program.
Do you have one of those where I pay you a fee for the year
and during season I get a box of food, a box of vegetables?
Do you do that?
What's it called?
What's it called and what's the cost, motherfucker?
Who is it?
This is Eddie.
I'm a friend of Mr. Snodswell.
I thought maybe if I threw some business at you that we could get those.
He's gone, right?
Yeah.
Those videos.
I want to see those pornographic videos.
Okay.
He was kind of with you until you talked about
one of the
make sure they were age appropriate. He's like
I don't want to see
the cow's sexual organs.
He's like you're fucking with me now.
They did say that it shows how to milk the teats.
You're being all
technical about it too.
Milk the teats and you're making it a
dirty thing. That was pretty funny.
Alright.
I'm waiting for Google Chrome here to
work. TikTok
Talk, tick, talk.
Any news on the prank call game that I should know about?
Anything going on?
No?
No.
No?
All right, good.
I think everybody's going to quit after KDK schooled everybody the other night, actually.
I loved hearing that.
That was so awesome.
What did he do?
You got to listen.
It was a spray show or turbos?
One of the two, right?
Yeah, it was spray.
Spray, yeah.
Spray got a hold of KDK, and it was pretty funny for a few minutes there.
Check that out.
Yep.
Prankdose.com
Yeah, it's on Mixler too
I think it's only on Mixler, he didn't go on
Shoutcast
Sure, he was having Shoutcast issues
But then again
Sova's KDK, so
What can you do?
I don't know anything about that
How can you have problems with Shoutcast
When you only get three people listening
Well now he had a hundred listeners
It's just somebody was listening 70 times
Yeah
Somebody was listening about you
Alright, moving right along
I'm looking for a new town here
because I'm tired. Well, Rochester has been kind of funny
I'm going to go to the east side
of the river here now
No bullshit, the west side. We were on the east side
There's a school. I'm going to bother them
There's another school. God, this place has a lot
of fucking schools
True Light Church of God
and Christ. Any of you two want
to talk to a church?
I think Ron Newman probably does
Church? Church machine
Yeah, I can talk to a church.
All right.
They're easy.
You just got to cuss at them and say sacrilegious shit.
Yeah, just say, God damn it.
That's what I do.
God bless you, God damn it.
Many get mad when they don't say, God bless you, back.
Someone was calling back.
I just sent them the voicemail, but we'll see if we get a voicemail.
Probably that phone.
Yeah, is this the church?
Yes, it is.
Oh, God bless you, God damn it.
Oh, God, that's the awakening there.
No, God bless you.
Say it back.
God bless you.
Alright, well, anyway, I, uh, you know, Christmas is coming up, okay?
Mm-hmm.
Okay, so I'm trying to get in touch with people who can put a good word in with Jesus, you know?
Mm-hmm.
Done some things this year I'm not proud of, but I'd still like to get, you know, a good wish list going for Christmas.
Okay.
Yeah, so could you put a good word in, just let Jesus know, like, I've actually been pretty good this year, and PS4, like, mention that.
Alright.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Cunt.
I think she must have had the pastor in the background.
She put you on speaker.
That was awesome.
Yeah, I wanted her to realize that I was calling Jesus Santa, but she didn't really bite.
That's awesome.
God bless you, God damn it.
She's like, what's a rare awakening?
Bless you.
This is the true light, Church of God in Christ.
Please leave your message, and we'll get back with you as soon as we can.
I just wanted to hear that.
Here's Temple Phone Ministry.
You can't make that one up.
Now, this sounds like it might be promising.
Gentlemen, what do you think about it?
Hey, I think it is.
Yeah.
Temple phone ministry right down the street.
Phone ministry?
I wonder if they do, like, conference sermons or anything like that.
I don't know.
Let's see.
Because that could be beautiful if we could actually get in and take control.
Nothing there.
Here's Mojo's Pizza.
I picked this because it sounded fun.
Mojo's Pizza.
Mojo.
Yay.
Mojo, Mojo.
That's a good word, Mojo.
M-O-J-O.
M-O-J-O-E, actually, because the other would be mojo.
Hey, boy, how are you?
How you doing?
Good.
I wanted to make an order.
Good.
For a pickup.
What's it like?
Two large pies with pepperoni, extra cheese, and sausage.
Okay, hold on.
Two large with pepperoni, extra cheese, and sausage?
That's right, motherfucker.
Where is it?
That's it.
This is Cross.
I'm Cross.
Say that again?
I'm Cross.
Goddammit, I'm Cross.
What does that mean?
My name is Cross.
Okay, so how long will it be?
Hold on.
Fuck.
Man, come on, man.
It doesn't matter.
I'm ending now.
I'm ending now.
That's right.
I'm ending now.
Damn it.
Yeah.
Damn it.
I wanted that phone ministry to pick up.
I'll have to write that one down.
It's not much of a phone ministry if they don't answer.
They don't answer the phone.
Our phones don't work here.
All right.
Bye, Bass.
Bye, Sloth.
Thank you, guys.
All right.
Bye.
All right, good.
Hey, I'm still here.
Not for long.
See you.
Bye.
All right.
He's gone.
I'm gone.
We're all gone.
Thank you, nobody, for sending in numbers.
Yeah.
Thank you, everyone else, for being a motherfucker.
Yeah.
That was the Motherfucker Show for December 16th.
Yeah.
Bless you.
This is the true life.
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