MadhouseSearch

Pita Bread Sandwich

23 Dec 2013 · 1 h 38 min · 12,383 words · source

Calls (30, 1 h 4 min of 1 h 38 min)
  1. Byzantine Catholic Eparchy of Parma IVR ivr 1.1 min clip ↓
  2. Edward Jones investment office voicemail voicemail 1.5 min clip ↓
  3. Gyro restaurant pita sandwich debate live 1.6 min clip ↓
  4. Edward Jones financial advisor Sherry live 3.2 min clip ↓
  5. Customer service rep questioned about hold time live 2.4 min clip ↓
  6. Kleinfeld calls Kleinfeld bridal shop live 1.3 min clip ↓
  7. Hometown buffet asked about food and bathroom live 4.1 min clip ↓
  8. OfficeMax asked about computer repair live 46 s clip ↓
  9. Becky called about dog adoption ad live 3.7 min clip ↓
  10. Mulch seller asked about fresh mulch live 50 s clip ↓
  11. Kelly asked about mulch parasites live 2.2 min clip ↓
  12. Charlotte offered puppy Fluffy Her Shots live 56 s clip ↓
  13. Hedgehog seller asked about evil experiments live 2.8 min clip ↓
  14. Lost dog found call live 2.6 min clip ↓
  15. Mulch seller prank call live 1.4 min clip ↓
  16. GPS in coffin prank call live 38 s clip ↓
  17. Bet game prank call live 40 s clip ↓
  18. Carmen Restaurant order prank live 2.8 min clip ↓
  19. Econo Lodge at fairgrounds asked about tattoos live 1.7 min clip ↓
  20. Econo Lodge asked about sex and dirty girls live 33 s clip ↓
  21. Replaying Butterball Turkey hotline playback 2.1 min clip ↓
  22. Butterball Turkey Talk Line asked about frying frozen turkey live 8.0 min clip ↓
  23. Butterball Consumer Affairs asked about cooking turkey with propane in fireplace live 4.4 min clip ↓
  24. Butterball Turkey Talk Line asked to make an order live 2.3 min clip ↓
  25. Butterball Turkey Talk Line asks about turkey ingredients live 1.2 min clip ↓
  26. Butterball Turkey Talk Line requests supervisor live 1.1 min clip ↓
  27. Sacred Heart Church in Seattle emergency call live 55 s clip ↓
  28. Sacred Heart Church IVR menu ivr 1.0 min clip ↓
  29. Priest at Sacred Heart Church about dream live 4.7 min clip ↓
  30. Turkish Kitchen order cancellation live 1.6 min clip ↓

Transcript

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.
We do whippets.
That's what the holidays remind me of, doing whippets.
And everyone's like, oh, it's time for dinner.
Whipped cream doesn't work when I want to put it on the pie.
Why is that?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Good afternoon.
I am Carlito, the host of Madhouse Radio.
This is Monday, December the 23rd, Christmas Eve, Eve 2013.
I will be entertaining you folks for a little bit here.
All 182 of you.
I don't know.
It's not 182.
I don't think so.
I don't know how many people are listening.
But thank you for listening, you little monkey.
You little monkey shit, you.
Actually, it's 100 and...
32 plus 99.
That's how many people are listening right now.
Across four networks.
Delicious.
Okay.
I don't know.
Let me just pull up the map.
Call random people machines.
warmachines if you have any suggestions or ideas or requests send them on in boy they are welcome
hey if you and if you'd like to join me here this afternoon for a little bit me up on the skype and
we shall proceed to give you what you need let's call the byzantine church byzantium it's a faction
in this game that i play it's called rome total war machine yep iron man's in it and war machines
in it. How do I do this?
I put them in Skype.
I do call phones, and I
bring the Skype over so I can see it.
Call phones, right?
Where it says enter number, I
click and I paste.
It says United Kingdom. I've got to change it out to
United States. Thank you for calling
the Chancellor of the Byzantine Catholic Eparchy
of Parma. Amen.
If you know your party's extension number, you may
enter it now or choose from the following
options. For the Chancellor and
Director of Vocations, enter
Enter 232 for the Proto-Sincellus.
233, the Office of the Bishop.
221, the Office for the Protection of Youth.
246, the Office of Communications and the Horizons.
One moment, please.
Let's get the Bishop asshole on here.
Hello?
Heard an answer.
Hi, you have reached the Office of Bishop John Kudryk.
If you'd like to leave a message for the Secretary, please do so.
The operator is not available.
available hi you have reached the office of bishop john kudrick if you'd like to leave a
message for the secretary please do so and i will get back this is laurie how may i help you hey how
you doing big girl big laurie is it that's your name who may i be speaking to this is bill bill
yep and bill how can i help you today bill tenderson well i was calling to see the feces
that you have there in the toilet right now do they report that to you about the problem with
the toilet with the feces hello hey you motherfucker you you're calling an edward
jones investment office yeah so what well i think you've got the wrong office unless you'd like to
leave a message like that for robert the financial advisor oh well you think i'm intimidated by
robert oh you might have to leave a message for robert
financial advisor my ass that's a stupid fucking job title that's like consultant
Colton, that's bullshit.
You want financial advice here?
It's this simple.
Don't spend more money than what you earn.
All right, but you sound kind of cute.
Problem solved, everybody.
There's your fucking financial advice.
That's just you want to lose weight?
Don't eat more calories than you burn.
There you go.
Done.
It's that easy.
Financial advisor.
Financial bullshit.
I hear people say, I got a financial advisor.
I got a financial advisor.
You're paying someone.
That's like having a maid, and you only make like $25,000 a year.
That's the way I see it.
Now, if you've got a lot of money, if you've got like, I don't know,
if you're making at least $300,000 a year,
and you've got a lot of investments and property and shit,
then Financial Advisor makes sense.
Don't get me started on Edward Jones bullshit.
Edward Jones, my ass.
H.P. Lovecraft, great title for a new book.
Look, lose weight, you assholes eat less.
That's right.
All right, let's do that.
I'm going to start working on that.
Yeah, because I'm such a prime example of losing weight.
I'm a handsome man.
I haven't taken my shirt off except for to take a shower in the last five years of my life.
I don't take it off to go swimming.
No, I never had that problem.
No matter how big I am, I wouldn't have a problem up until now because I do have like a whole bunch of surgery scars.
cars i'm actually more self-conscious about that than taking my shirt off because of my man
breasts and my uh big fat gut and my big hairy puerto rican italian chest i give a fuck about
that i mostly went to the beach when i was a kid in puerto rico and there was fat overweight hairy
uh men with their shirts off they gave a fuck drinking a beer in the beach drinking a beer in
the water no one cares that's how i grew up you don't have to be embarrassed about that you're
You're fast.
Yeah.
All right.
Anyway, I'm moving right along.
Why am I talking about taking my shirt off?
Every female listener just constantly turned off.
Famous gyro George.
Let's ask them for a malacca.
They're probably a westernized Greek place.
You know, they got hamburgers and french fries and gyros, and that's it.
No great people here.
I'll bet you anything.
I'll bet you five madhouse bucks that these people have no connection to Greece.
or greek culture at all other than that they sell gyros or heroes or whatever you want to call it
don't give me shit about that hero gyro this is america i call it a pita sandwich listen this is
america okay and you speak the language here hello yeah this is america so we don't call it gyro or
hero whatever it is it's a yeah this is a gyro it's a pita sandwich that's what we call in america
and that's what you need to call it, too.
You know, love the country or get out.
Oh, you can put anything you like.
Gyro, gyro is the thing.
No, no, pita bread sandwich, that's what you call it.
And from now on.
Because you're in America, you have to use English words
and English, everything English,
and respect the country and the laws.
Where are you from, honey?
I'm from London.
I'm from London.
Hey.
Excuse me, can you make an order or what?
Yeah, I want three pita bread sandwiches.
Three pita bread sandwiches.
Damn it.
Don't you use that word to me.
God damn it.
Malacca.
I said Malacca.
I want to order Malacca.
I don't think they're Greek.
I think they're like Turkish or something.
Turks fuck Greece, guys.
Remember that?
Turks fuck Greeks.
Jose Bravo, ask him if I'm live.
yes i'm alive jose i'm alive i am a live i'd like to make an order please okay go ahead all right
one gyro with lamb okay regular gyro everything on it yeah with pustis with what pustis
maybe they are greek or just turkish and understand the insults listen to icegoose
DeuceRadio.com.
Jose Bravo.
Jose says to send a shout out to all the RIC people,
and I have passed my GED test.
I don't know what RIC is.
Good for them.
Ric Flair fans.
And, yeah, Jose is 20 years old, and he passed his GED test.
Wow.
Way to wait.
A long time.
Very good.
Good for doing something you're supposed to do.
So, Jose, why did you drop out of high school?
Were you like a migrant farmer family or something?
I'm not trying to sound like an asshole.
Why did you drop out?
What happened?
Did you get into drugs?
Into drugs?
Drug abuse?
All right.
Anyway, moving right along.
Looking here.
We've got Corleone's Restaurant.
R-I-S.
Terrant.
And bar.
Dude.
Edward Jones, financial advisor, everybody.
Sherry speaking.
How may I help you?
Hey, Biggie.
How are you?
I'm sorry?
Is that Big Sherry?
That's Sherry.
Hey, big girl.
How are you?
Good.
How are you?
Yeah, good.
You have a lot to eat today?
Yeah.
What can I do for you?
Yeah, I could tell.
You probably, I could tell that you eat a lot sometimes.
You're kind of on the heavier side, you know, a little porky.
Hold, please.
Okay.
Girls don't like that.
I don't know if you knew, but girls don't like that.
That's why I do it all the time.
Oh, I never get tired of it.
A little music while we wait.
Have a sip of eggnog there, motherfucker, while you wait with me.
I'll have a sip of iced tea.
you know i was by the way by the way i was watching goddamn uh charlie brown all right
the christmas one and then i ended up watching the thanksgiving one and i'm gonna tell you
something that um that lucy bitch it's really not cool that she keep that she kept always pulling
the football away from charlie brown why didn't anybody ever give her any shit like fucking
they lost the game because she pulled the football again after she promised charlie
Brown that she wouldn't do it Charlie Brown would always go to kick a field goal right
and Lucy would hold the ball on the ground and she'd always pull it on him at the last minute
she's fucking retarded or she's got like he's like an autistic fucking girl or something I
never understood that and in any way so they lose the big game and everyone's giving Charlie Brown
shit like oh you suck Charlie Brown you suck it's your fault it's your fault and fucking Lucy's the
one that fucking pulled the ball away from him every fucking time I'd have kicked her right in
the cunt man right out in the field right in front of everybody would have kicked her right
in the fucking pussy i said oh you move the ball i gotta hit something bam right there right in the
fucking clit mash that clit with your toe of your foot jeez brown and those fucks lived it
they're a bunch of assholes good afternoon corleone this is lynn can help you what was
on hold for so long i'm sorry what was on hold for so long hang on let me switch phones damn it
okay hello why he was on hold for so long why were you on hold for so long what kind of way
way to do business is this and you're holding for what sir well was i talking to you or some
other broad over there i'm i'm thinking you were talking to someone else what is it your
well it was the big girl the you know what's that big girl that's over there that big girl
sherry yeah her that big fat sherry you know her yeah yeah she's pretty big right she eats a lot
and everything i was watching her i'm gonna hang up now no no is this something you needed yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, because I was just to get with her, you know?
Well, can I ask who this is, then?
This is Bob.
Bob Morton.
Hang on one second.
Hey, listen, don't put me on hold for a long time, GD at consornit.
Then there's Peppermint Patty, the little red-haired...
Who was the little red-haired girl?
That fucking Charlie Brown is stupid, man.
He's always fawning over the little red...
I would have fucked Peppermint Patty, and Lucy, I would have fucked her, too,
if I was Charlie Brown.
or was peppermint patty wasn't his sister right no forgot his sister's name he's busy with the
customers there's something i can help you with what's going on with the customer what are they
doing it's really none of your business i don't think is there something that you need well yeah
i need to know these things i have to put it down in my report bye-bye god oh bitch maybe i'll call
her i'm back watch this watch this everybody i'm calling back thank you skype fuck you were calling
Colleen Corleone, Melissa speaking.
Hey, this is Kleinfeld.
How are you?
I'm sorry?
My name is Kleinfeld.
Okay, are you calling for a reservation?
Yes.
Okay, hang on one second, please.
Sally, yes, thank you, Clay.
Sally is the name of the sister bitch.
Hello?
Hey, who is this?
This is Melissa.
Oh, I'm Kleinfeld.
How are you?
I'm good, how are you?
I said hi, I'm good.
I already said that.
I already said that part.
Someone already asked me.
What can I do for you, sir?
No, the other girl before asked me how I was doing.
I told her I was okay.
Did she not tell you?
no okay yeah i'm good i'm good how are you doing great i didn't know that either she didn't tell
me how you were doing i was making a reservation okay so what's the date uh for tomorrow well
you're not open probably tomorrow right let's look at all right so what's the next day i want
to you know sherry that works there big the big fat girl sherry i'm not comfortable with you
talking about her like that she's look i'm we've been talking hanging out and dating and stuff
so i was gonna i've been dating i've heard hey i i you don't have to tell you to other people
that are there hey yeah man let me get my story out man sure all right one more time one more
time guys hold your ears in case it makes that listen shut up about the doja coins already
fucking shit god damn it i'm tired of hearing about it they hung right up i don't want to hear
about those fucking doja coin bullshit fuck that dog too jeez i'm looking here that was
corleone's there's a place called pat katan's i have no idea what that is uh ultimate wash
i guess it's a car wash probably won't answer the weight watchers no not feeling that there's
a red box i'm sure that doesn't have a phone office max sonic hometown buffet have we got
hometown buffet all right let's call the hometown buffet bitch whore fucking bitch
we're gonna kick that bitch lucy right in the tits in the tits if she pulls the football away
from me again i'll kick her in the clit kick her in the pussy and in the face and kick her in the
The gut and the solar plexus.
Hometown buffet apartment.
Hey, boy, how are you there, big guy?
Super.
Are you that big guy I saw in the front when I came in before?
When?
A few days ago.
Are you the big guy?
Not necessarily, no.
You're kind of heavy, right?
No.
Oh, okay.
All right, that's cool.
All right.
You guys have only, like, iceberg lettuce,
or do you have any spring mix or anything?
We don't offer spring mix.
Shit, fucking
I'm sorry
So what do you offer?
We do have a lettuce blend that has romaine and iceberg lettuce in it
We also offer spinach
Okay
Do you have any soups?
A soup bar?
Yes, we offer two different kinds of soup every day
Today it's chicken noodle and
Do you have chicken?
Chicken noodle
Do you have jelly beans?
No
And ice cream?
No
Do you have ice cream?
Yes
Do you have pudding?
Yes
Do you have sugar-free cake?
No
No.
Do you have mashed potatoes?
Yes.
Do you have gravy?
Yes.
Do you have taco?
Yes.
Do you have baked potato?
Yes.
Do you have cheddar cheese?
No.
Do you have steak station?
Yes.
Do you have hot sauce?
Yes.
Do you have Pepsi?
No.
Do you have Coke?
Yes.
Oh.
Do you have corn?
Yes.
Do you have corn on the cob?
No.
Do you have corn on the grain?
No.
Okay.
Do you have green beans?
Yes.
What else do you have?
Well, we offer 85 different items.
You'd have to tell me what you would be interested in.
Go ahead.
I already gave you 12.
There we have 73 left.
I could not possibly go through all the items.
Do you have steamed carrots?
Yes.
Okay.
Let's see.
I got a tick mark here.
We're up to 13.
Okay.
Do you have banana slices?
Yes.
Okay.
Do you have pineapple chunks?
No.
Okay.
Do you have sliced pineapple?
No.
No.
Do you have orange pieces, sections?
No.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
Do you have grilled chicken?
No.
Do you have meatloaf?
No.
Do you have pizza?
Yes.
Do you have french fries?
No.
Do you have chicken nuggets?
No.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Do you have bathroom?
I beg your pardon?
Do you have bathroom?
No.
You don't have toilet?
No.
Oh.
So that's bad because where do the employees go?
In the kitchen?
In the soup pot?
Sometimes.
Okay.
Are you upset?
I mean, am I bothering you, or what's going on?
I've got the other phone ringing in the line of staff.
They have potato salad?
Yes.
Okay, okay.
Hey, excuse me while I take care of these other guys.
What are they doing?
He asked me, and he didn't let me answer.
Uh, Radio Shack, while we wait on that young man.
I'm just naming shit out to him.
How fucking stupid.
Nunu reminded me to ask for porridge.
I don't think they have breakfast stuff, Nunu, but thank you.
I'll ask him.
Don't worry.
porridge gotta love porridge i need a 1.3 1.32 kilohertz mega ohm capacitor can i put you on
hold please because i got a bunch of people here trying to cash out i'll be right back to you what
are you doing i'm sorry what are you doing i've got a bunch of people here i'm trying to cash out
can i put you on hold please what do you mean cash out like they're gonna pay yeah i gotta put
you on hold please but what are they paying like their stuff no one else has this on hold all right
Let's keep racking them up.
Let's call someone else then.
Here's a Sonic Drive-In.
They can't put us on hold there.
We'll call OfficeMax.
I'm an Office Depot fan myself.
More into the Depot, not so much the Max.
Buffet, are you back yet?
I hear him there, but...
People calling OfficeMax for a quick computer.
This is Miranda speaking.
How may I get your call?
What did you say at the end?
Something about computers?
We fixed computers.
What do you mean?
What's that supposed to mean?
Like, what do you mean you fixed them?
If there's, like, a problem with it, we can take a look at it and try to fix it.
Whether it be, like, a virus on it or it's acting up or something, we can take a look at it.
Oh, but it's, like, a man that does it, not, like, a girl, right?
Like you?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, because, like, a girl would be like, oh, my God, I don't know what to do.
And probably drop it or something, you know?
Or maybe, like, you probably spray, like, body spray, like, warm vanilla sugar from Bed Bath & Beyond.
You probably spray it on there.
Or Bath & Body Works.
I always confuse those two stores.
Gotcha.
What are you up to?
What's going on?
You like sex?
Oh, no.
What was that?
Are you hanging out or working busy?
Is it busy there today?
Yeah.
Do you like sex?
What was that?
You haven't had a lot of customers then, or it's been steady?
We've had a lot of customers, yeah.
Do you have any sales on office chairs?
Yes, we do.
Is there anything I can help you with?
Yeah, can I speak to these computer machines?
Okay, thank you so much for holding, sir.
What was your question now?
Yeah, I got some woman on the line here, and she's asking a bunch of nasty stuff.
I'm sorry?
Some woman picked up the phone and started saying nasty stuff about computers.
Do you hear her?
No, I don't.
What are you doing?
Who is that?
She was saying that she was in the store there with you, and she threatened me.
She said, come down here.
My boyfriend will kick your ass, as she said.
She's on the phone.
She picked up the phone there in your store.
What is this?
Hello?
Shit, damn it.
Fucking shit.
Yeah, what's going on, damn it?
Is there something I can help you with, sir?
I said to transfer to the computer, people.
people you're so okay i'm so dumb all right she either put the phone down because she's stupid
or she's transferring me oh let me call someone else now i guess in the meantime while we wait
on her and
And here we go.
a dog that needs a good home she is good with kids and is a girl we have to too many dogs
two is spelled with one oh not two she was dumped off we felt sorry for her we took her in someone
please give her a home i said it like that because there are no there's no capitalizations and no
punctuation at all in this ad again i will read it exactly how it was put in here by becky we
We have a dog that needs a good home.
She is good with kids, and she is a girl.
We have too many dogs.
She was dumped off.
We felt sorry for her.
We took her in someone.
Please give her a home.
That's exactly what it says.
All right, let's give her a call.
Another example of a stupid woman who shouldn't be near a computer.
Huh, guys?
They're listening?
Eh? Eh?
All right.
Meanwhile, we are still on hold with the buffet and also with Office Max.
hey boy how are you good how are you who are you with you with the buffet right
hello yeah hey you have a dog becky hello you have a dog yeah it's a it's a female bitch
okay i'm sorry that's what female dogs are called i didn't mean to be rude i'm just
into the industry you know yeah what breed of dog is a stupid thing i'm not really sure and
she was dropped off probably about a month or so ago and i've been trying to find a home for
but she looks like she might have some maybe some lab in her oh i can hear her talking in
the background it sounds like a baby she's oh no that's my son she's really smart that dog is
it sounds like a kid almost the dog does that's actually my son she's out in the backyard in the
oh we'll tell her to be to be quiet so why don't you use any punctuation in your ad you had many
any misspellings here um you said the dog was dump off instead of dumped that should be my mom
yeah she's pretty stupid we it starts off we a have a dog i don't that that makes no sense at
all i guess did you mean to say we have a dog is that what i mean yeah i think that's what you
probably meant and then you're supposed to put a capital w at the beginning not a small w uh
uh that needs a good home and that should be a period there and then new sentence she is good
with kids and she is a girl you see the problem is you already said she you know so of course
she's a girl that's pretty stupid so you can take that part out i don't need that uh we have two and
then two is supposed to be two o's you know and you should have had another period in here somewhere
at the end i don't have time for this you know this is really stupid of you people what kind
kind of way to do business is this the buffet place has me on hold too i'm not dealing with
that shit mother fuck that let's call back becky about the dog here some month just showed up you
know the best thing he could have done to shot that dog because now you're gonna fucking breed
it and keep missing up the dog bloodlines no way man all right she must have picked up and hung
right up uh here's a person who has a load of fresh mulch for 30 dollars in the valley or
Actually, it's a she.
It's Kelly.
Big Kelly.
All right.
Let's call Kelly and ask her about her mulch.
Yeah.
My guess is dirty mulch, you know.
They probably just, you know, made their own mulch.
Get rid of some trees, and they're trying to sell it off.
It's probably got parasites and bugs and termites in it.
Shit.
You got mulch there, big guy?
Excuse me?
You got mulch over there, big guy?
Yeah, who's this?
Hey, this is Eddie.
How are you doing, boss?
How you doing?
All right.
That's good.
Good. Are you Kelly, or is that your wife or something?
Yes, my wife.
Oh, okay, because I thought you had a girl's name, you know?
Yeah.
So you got a load of fresh mulch.
So did you make this mulch yourself, or has it got the parasites and all that shit?
What? You don't know? What did you say, boy?
Are you in Oregon?
Yeah.
Oh, man, I'm in Tennessee.
No, no, no, I'm in Tennessee. I'm from Oregon, but I'm in Tennessee.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, you're pretty smart, right?
right yeah you're pretty smart son of a bitch yeah so did you make the mulch yourself did you
yeah i made it myself yeah you have a tree chipper what do you got yeah how many horses
how many horses is it 24 24 i'd have ripped the pants right off of you huh
you get too close to that i had one of those big uh 20 ton machines took three phase uh power in it
and while i was standing right by it i ripped the pants and the underwear is right off for me right
in front of my family about a boom yeah right i felt like a fucking asshole like a fucking jackass
yeah all right so the this is you made it yourself so it's got all the termites and
parasites in it and the fucking mulch and shit i want to put this i want to put this around my
ex-wife's house she's got an all-wood cardinal home you know pre-manufactured wooden home
and i'm trying to find like termites and bugs and parasites so i can put them around but you can't
i can't buy termites anywhere i'm trying to find like the wood eating animals i caught a beaver
and a couple woodpeckers and i let them loose inside her garage but they they started fighting
each other and then it didn't work out right then the fucking woodpecker flew away he didn't eat any
of the house lazy cock sucking woodpecker you know yeah yeah so what are you up to there big
guy you got big cock on you nice big balls big cock huh you got a nice big purple helmet he's
gone all right yeah that's the plan yeah oh my god okay i'm moving right along with this boring
shit i got a pretty black puppy to give away she is fluffy her shots that's what it says she is
It's Fluffy Her Shots.
Okay.
My guess is another woman.
She's like, oh, my God.
Hey, guys.
I got a pretty black puppy to give away.
It's Fluffy Her Shots.
Oh, my God.
My name is Charlotte.
All right.
Charlotte.
That's going to be her name once.
Charlotte.
I'm Charlotte.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
No answer there.
There, here's a pair of hedgehogs asking $250 for the pair of hedgehogs.
They're unrelated.
That's good.
So you can breed them, have them fuck each other, and it doesn't mess up their gene pool.
They're both one and a half years old.
They've had two litters together, and she's ready to be bred again.
That's what I'm talking about.
She's very tame.
He's a little shy.
All right.
She wears the pants in the relationship.
available to take your call you never hack those things everyone else is so good at doing it i
never have any luck with that shit try on again hello hey how you doing honey your call please
leave a message after the tone okay hey merry christmas god bless you how are you i'm fine how
are you oh good good i see you got these little hedgehog little shits yeah right and they're nice
little hedgehogs that you could talk to them and call them mimi momo like that and all that the
The female, she's real tame, but the male, he is pretty shy.
All right, and how much for them, then?
We're asking $2.50 for the pair.
All right, I'll give you $2.50.
That's good, and I'm going to take them to my laboratory.
We're going to do a little bit of experiments, evil experiments, you know.
What?
We're going to extract blood and extract their brain matter and mix it together.
We're going to do a transplant of the heads also and see how long we can get it to survive.
I'm not really interested in that.
Well, no, that's none of your business.
We're paying fair and square at $250.
It's for science, anyway.
Evil science.
Dark science.
Oh.
Yeah.
Have you ever heard of Baphomet?
Hello?
Have you heard of Baphomet, I said?
I believe you need to get you some guinea pigs or something.
No, no.
We've already done all we could with the guinea pigs.
We need hedgehogs.
Maybe you need some rats or something like that.
No, don't you tell me what I need.
I'm a scientist, all right?
My name is Baz.
I'm Dr. Baz.
I'm a big scientist.
Well, Dr. Badger, you're wasting my time.
Well, I turned evil, though, you know?
Like, I turned to the dark side.
I was in Dagobah, and I went where that tree is,
and I got, like, all the dark energy powers and stuff,
and Emperor Palpatine's spirit came inside of me.
Don't talk to somebody else, okay?
Fuck you!
There you go, went to Dagobah.
Fucking Dagobah, right, okay.
I'm such a fucking 80s kid dork.
Fucking Dagobah.
Here's someone that lost a dog, Big Bethany.
Lost dog, last seen on Highway 70.
has sought to be picked up she's a black and white australian shepherd with red collar all right and
their name is and info is on it man you know you let your dog get loose at the highway and uh
someone finds and keeps it because they gonna love the dog more than you did the dog probably
ran away i'm just saying let's give them a call and discuss that our kids just want her back safe
Safe and warm.
She's warm, all right.
Hey, how are you?
You said you lost a dog?
What?
You lost a dog?
A black and white Aussie?
Let me give you to my mom.
I want to show him.
Hey, wait a minute.
I thought you were a girl.
You're a boy?
Yeah.
Oh, God.
That's pretty funny.
Yeah, you put your mom on, all right?
Go ahead, honey.
Hello.
Hey, honey.
How are you, honey?
I'm good.
How are you?
Oh, I'm good, little honey baby.
You want to sit on a labia over there, huh?
Who is this?
Yeah, this is Eddie.
I saw you had a lost dog.
I found this black and white dog.
It's like an Aussie, I guess he is, with a red collar.
He is.
Uh-huh.
And someone said to get with you about it, you know.
He's in a, your dog's in a good place.
Dude, hold on.
I can barely hear you.
You're pretty dumb.
I can't hear you.
Oh, okay.
So, yeah, your dog's in a better place right now.
Yeah, she's in a real good place because she's on my front porch.
Oh, you found the dog?
Yeah, she's back.
Are you sure that's your dog?
Because I have another dog just like it.
Nope, this one's mine.
Motherfuck.
You know?
Fucking shit.
Fucking shit, right?
Hey, you know what labia is, right?
Yes.
Please don't call me if you're going to talk like that.
I'll be praying for you.
Thanks.
Bye.
Bye.
God bless you.
All right.
There you go.
Well, guy can't, you know, no prank there.
She found the fucking dog.
Imagine that.
Fucking bitch.
The dog, I mean, not her.
Not the woman.
The dog bitch.
we are looking to what for mulch hey they're looking for mulch hey hey all right well i just
talked to another guy in the same area who's selling mulch motherfucker okay what why and
now that we have we have every equipment we need something to cover all of their barn which had
burned down okay it's rotten full of something that tastes bad too what the fuck why are you
tasting your burnt down barn uh whatever what i don't understand what we are looking for mulch
hay our barn burned and we lost all the hay and now that we have had heavy equipment here for
six weeks we need something to cover all this mess rotten full of something that tastes bad
i don't know if if they mean the shit that the animals are gonna lay in or sleep in or something
maybe that's what he's getting and i don't know this this is a real fucking farmer fucking
Fucking hayseed hick town that I call with these pranks when I do them.
So, whatever.
Blah, blah, blah.
Here we are.
God, that shitty connection.
You've got to love it.
We'll call you back.
Thanks.
Fuck.
And we're done with those for now.
Excuse me.
3 at 1-888-278-8509.
That when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trapdoor at the bottom.
So when you die, you open that trapdoor at the bottom, you check the GPS, and you go straight down to the hell.
House Radio is back.
You are bigger than a woman.
You are better than a woman.
We'll always be behind you.
Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.
But I still can.
Nigga, don't let her get down.
I love you, nigga.
I love you, nigga.
That's nothing, nigga.
That's nothing.
That's nothing, that's nothing.
Look at you.
You know the fake nigga?
Ah!
Yeah, yeah.
That's the chronic nigga.
You're talking all that bullshit.
Yo, watch out for that bullshit.
How did I do better?
How did I do better?
How did I do?
How did I do?
200.
How did I do?
It's a bet.
200?
200.
Can I get a bet on five or better?
Five or better?
What you got?
What you got?
I got a seat.
Nigga, you.
Woo!
Brooklyn style, baby!
Brooklyn style!
Ah!
Yeah.
With your palm, now.
All right, asshole.
I am back, I'm Carlito, I'm the guy
Beautiful day today, everybody, beautiful day
Beautiful day, alright, let's continue to do a few more pranks before I get out of here
Nunu sends in, Momtaz, Carmen Restaurant
Owners known for tax evasion and drug trafficking
Whoa, Jesus
I don't know if this is Indian or Moroccan or what, but they're in London, apparently, probably.
Lots of Muslims in London, eh?
Hello.
Yeah, how are you?
Oh, yeah, I got a problem.
Oh, there we go.
Can you say it?
What did you say?
Hello.
Hey, how are you?
You said hello, and I said hello.
I want to make an order.
One chicken.
One with heat.
With heat?
Heat?
What is my meal?
And it's called my meal.
I've never heard of my meal.
That sounds good.
hello hey how are you big guy how are you honey fine thank you what would you like please
you're a little sexy little monkey you i want to kiss you i wanted to make an order i don't want
to take your order why not because i don't like you you like me so you're not going to take my
order sorry are you stupid or something no you are stupid you have a stupid in your head and
an epilepsy yeah that's why i don't assume you you don't have mother or father you have five
fathers a five father thing works great with the asians man i'm gonna try to use that on asians
they are failing to answer the telephone again new new thank you for that it is in bradford not
london and it was a pakistani he thinks says new new regarding that previous call that we just did
to the restaurant all right moving right along we will continue i'm just enjoying looking at
the chat room and the comments that filter through here uh okay okay back to the map guys
it's 4 24 p.m so in theory in theory in theory uh calling places in the east might be a little
little more difficult now i presume a lot of people are just leaving work early on days like
this for non-retail i went out to buy a few things and like i said a bunch of assholes out there
traffic is crazy oh look here's a ukrainian catholic church ukrainian catholic church
okay we called the byzantines and i recall the ukrainians yeah man exciting uh i finally uh
I like this time of year and also in the summer when the summer starts
because you can go on Steam and take advantage of the Steam sale.
Deeply discounted games, older games usually.
I picked up that Age of Empires 2 HD version,
and I was playing that this morning.
It was pretty cool.
They really didn't, I mean, they say HD version.
version i don't see much of a difference to be honest with you as far as the graphics and sound
and music are concerned i thought they actually redid you know the graphics and they said they
did but it looks the fucking same to me it even has the same intro video and shit and it looks
super dated now when that came out i got that game on i pre-ordered age of empires 2 back in 99
and I played it regularly
up until
around 2006, like 2007
every
so often I'd still load it up
and play a few
matches
of Age of Empires 2
and expansion
I mean, I don't know, the game
I thought it was a remake, it wasn't
but then I got roamed
Rome
Anyway, I got Rome 2
Total War 2
Rome 2 Total War, or Total War Rome 2
I guess that's what they call it, officially
And I like
It's not without
I'm a big fan of the Total War series
I play them all the time
Even the older ones still
with a lot of mods and stuff like that i really like playing that
any of them this one here they made it look so much like civilization
like the newest civ uh game it's really bright and i don't know it looks really cartoony i don't
it took a step back in the realism in a way it's more realistic in some ways and in some ways it's
turning more cartoony like they're trying to emulate the civilization series the most recent
one what is it what's the most recent civ game four or five pick five right which i didn't like
i played it i played a demo of it i had a beta i was a beta tester for that game and whichever the
one that came out last year was of civilization and i did not like it at all maybe came out earlier
this year i'm not sure but anyway blah blah blah more pranks right i'm bullshitting here
we're running out of time because i'm gonna start doing the show
i was looking to get off at five so i could play more rome
here's a shopping center well that's not gonna all right here's a barber shop let's call us for
hair and then there's a regular catholic church up the road here you know we haven't done a father
Father McWhorter's call and so on.
Father McWhorter.
I hate doing voices.
I suck at voices.
I lost my juice.
No dialer, man.
No KDK.
I'm leaving this town, and I'm headed over across the way somewhere else.
Let me zoom out.
Let's head into the Mountain Time Zone and see what we can find there.
I don't recall ever really calling Iowa.
Des Moines, Iowa.
Here we go.
It's going to be the biggest city in Iowa, eh?
It's not the capital, though.
What's the capital, Iowa?
You know, I blame my Florida education, but it seemed to me like kids from other states,
they all learned every single capital.
They had to memorize every single capital and also the names of all the states in order
alphabetically.
um i never we never did that in school ever but it seems to be like the rest of the country to
me can do that and i can't for the life of me i'm really bad at capital cities because
it was never taught to me it's a shitty florida public school system in the 80s
it's not much better now
anyway des moines zooming in okay the vfw does the vfw answer a phone like is there
someone who's always at the vfw i don't think so i don't know that it works like that let's try
isn't it basically just a social club like there's no vfw employees but they always have
have like a building and shit right like a lodge so maybe they do they gotta have some admin
someone's running that we are unable to answer right now it's in the fact start transmission
start transmission over mess up the music there all right no answer there here's an econo lodge
let's see if we get an indian i think there's indians in uh des moines and the roach motel
let's find out which is right next door to a tattoo and body piercing place yeah i think so
i think this is a dirty motel now if uh google maps will cooperate i'll be able to get the number
i'm waiting on that all
right to reload the page but i got it oh by the way i released
least half of the backlog of madhouse episodes last night and i'll shoot to release the rest
of them here after the show leading up to last last week's show there will be no live madhouse
shows on our regular schedule regularly scheduled thursday night until next year until january
until next month uh because of work i'm going to be working thursday nights until i start my new
shift which begins on january 6th i believe so we'll just consider it like i'm going on vacation
but um after that i'm going to day shift so there will never be a problem with me doing
thursday nights anymore uh for the foreseeable future so we won't have this problem with me
having to bounce around and this and that to accommodate wacky schedules and i won't be
working night shift anymore no more graveyard i actually be able to uh sleep like a human being
and get up when the sun is out like a human being calling econo lodging and suites at fairgrounds
this is christine may i help you thank god you guys aren't indians anyway who is there indians
there no no oh thank god there's dirty people you know i heard you guys are like right by that
a tattoo shop so i thought this is like a dirty you know motel to bring a dirty girl to you know
does any of that happen there a tattoo we're not near a tattoo shop yeah there's one right
out the road it's on the block next uh up the road up the main road fucking shit you know the
one it was called rumors hello honey oh the one on walnut yeah walnut yeah yeah yeah yeah dean dean
Dean, yeah, Dean.
It's called Rumors, you know?
I thought it was a...
It sounded like the name of a strip club to me, Rumors, you know?
Oh.
It's actually...
I don't know.
I don't go there, so it don't matter.
I don't know.
You got any tats?
You got any ink?
No, I do not.
Oh, you got any piercings?
No, I do not.
Really?
Oh, that sucks.
You don't like the party?
No, I do not.
No?
You got a man?
Yes, I do.
Oh, yeah?
What's his name?
That's none of your business.
Oh, I just want to know.
No, that's not any of your business.
When do you get out?
Goodbye.
What time do you get out?
We can party.
She's like, oh my God.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
No, I didn't.
Thanks for calling Econologic and Suites at the Iowa State Fairgrounds.
This is Christine.
May I help you?
Hey, big girl.
How are you?
I'm fine.
How are you doing?
What happened with the phone?
The wood disconnected?
I'm not going to answer your questions like that.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Can I make a reservation?
Or is this the kind of place you come when you pay cash?
Come with a dirty girl, you know?
I'm not going to talk to you like that.
If you want some place like that, this is not the place for you to be.
Goodbye.
No sex at this place, everybody.
No sex.
Anyway, I keep bumping into this fucking cable, man.
Fuck me.
Every time I bump into it, it screws everything up.
Here's William Knapp, Varied Industries.
The fuck is that?
I don't have a phone number.
Screw that.
Then I will teach you.
There's a horse barn.
This is an entry.
This is horse barn.
Horse barn.
No phone number.
Herbalife with a phone number.
Someone's selling Herbalife.
All right.
Herbalife.
You guys ever get down with some Herbalife?
Good stuff, guys.
I've reached the voicemail box of...
Oh, my God.
I can...
No one...
Everyone's gone.
Everyone's like, fuck this.
We're either out shopping or we're fucking leaving work.
We ain't doing a shit.
I've reached the voicemail box of...
Some of that herb of life.
I wonder if the turkey line, the Butterball Turkey Help is open.
So I had an idea for that.
I had an idea.
And I know they were going to be open in the days leading up to Christmas also, I heard.
Butterball.
I spelled it wrong.
Butterball Turkey Hotline.
Okay.
I believe they were going to have extended hours even for the days leading up to Christmas.
Okay.
Pulling it up here.
do do do do do learn more about the turkey talk line schedule an interview with one of the experts
themselves i don't know what that's about that's not what i'm looking for obviously there's a turkey
hotline i thought anybody out there got it you guys know what i'm talking about there's like a
hotline just in case you were having turkey problem here we go someone wrote an article
about it maybe they have the number here oh my god what a shit show today to be connected to
our butterball turkey talk line for information on turkey preparation and cooking assistance
Distance.
Press or say three.
Three.
If you have a product question or concern.
Three.
Press or say three.
Engage.
Hi, Butterball Turkey Talk Line.
How can I help you?
Yeah, I have a five-pound bird.
Okay.
Now, how much gasoline am I going to need to finish the bird up?
How much gasoline?
Yes.
For what, sir?
What kind of device are you cooking your turkey in?
I've got a pit outside in the dirt.
Oh, yeah?
We were in a pit in there, yeah.
And then the turkey goes in there.
Well, I tell you what, we have many different ways here at the Butterball Turkey Talk.
You can cook your turkey, but as far as a pit and gasoline, that I do not know.
All right.
How many firecrackers do I need to put around for the gasoline to combust?
You know, but this is an interesting call.
Where are you calling from?
What state?
Well, I mean, you guys aren't like, this is anonymous, right?
Yes, it is.
All right.
Unless there's a radio station.
No, I'm in North Korea.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Okay, bye.
Cheese, again, whatever.
North Korea, yeah.
We can ask all kind of goofy questions about Twiggy's.
Welcome to Butterball.
Three.
Thank you.
Good afternoon.
Butterball Turkey Talk Line may help you.
Yes, hello.
Who am I speaking with?
My name's Tara.
To whom am I speaking?
This is Cross.
Your first name is Cross, or do you say Mr. Cross?
Just Cross.
Cross.
Okay.
How can I help you?
All right, well, we're doing a fried turkey.
Okay.
How hot does it have to be for the frozen version of the turkey, if the turkey's still frozen?
Well, the turkey has to be thawed.
Eh, whatever.
We got no time for that.
It's getting dark.
But what temperature do I need to put the burner at?
Oh, can you hold just a second?
Thank you.
Frozen turkey.
He's cunty.
Terrible connection.
Why don't you give me your phone number, and I'll call you back?
No, the connection's good.
No, no, I can't.
What?
I can't really hear you.
What is your number?
One.
Mm-hmm.
Hang on.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, you heard that just fine?
That came in okay?
Let me transfer you to my supervisor.
It doesn't seem like, you know, you really are calling for information,
and people really do call this number because they really have concerns.
Listen, don't be rude.
Let me transfer you, Justin.
Don't be rude and nasty to me, okay?
Oh, my God.
I'm in big trouble with the Butterball Company, motherfucker.
Wait for that.
Like, I'm intimidated, and everyone's trying to intimidate me today.
Fuck that.
Bye.
Hello there.
You there, bitch?
I'm hanging up if you're going to call me that.
No, I was talking to my friend.
Oh, she's black, too.
That would have been great.
I shouldn't have said the bitch word.
She's all sassy.
Welcome to Butterball.
To be connected to our Butterball Turkey Talk Line for information.
This place is serious, motherfucker.
Hello, Butterball Turkey Talk Line.
How can I help you?
Yes, hello.
I have a frozen turkey.
turkey and now i was going to put it in the turkey fryer i have it filled with the peanut oil
what temperatures have to be for a frozen turkey to be completed in the same amount of time that
the thawed one would be okay you only can can fry a frozen a thawed turkey i can no this it's my
turkey my equipment and everything i have it set up in on the tile floor here inside the living
room we're gonna turn it on actually it's already warming up we got all the windows closed tight and
everything but we don't have time to thaw the turkey out obviously for at this point well you
can only fry a thawed turkey so you can't fry whatever you say but what temperature does it
does the frozen turkey have to be at whatever you say honey i just need a temperature okay honey
All right, your oil needs to be set at 375 degrees.
For a frozen turkey, okay.
No, for the oil needs to be set at 375 degrees.
Okay, yeah, for a frozen turkey, the oil needs to be set at 375 degrees.
God, I'm sending it up right now.
Okay, and then for a five-pound turkey, it doesn't matter.
It's a pretty big bird, I guess.
Hello?
Hello?
Yes, sir.
All right, so, all right, I'm going to set it to 350 degrees.
If I need anything, we're going to put the turkey in.
I'm just going to drop it in with my hands.
I'll stand back a little bit.
And I'll give you guys a call back if I need any help after that.
I'm going to need help finding out how to carve the turkey.
Okay.
You give us a call, sir.
We'll help you carve the turkey.
Yeah, I'll take the turkey out of, it's going to be in the living room.
We're going to fry it inside the living room.
so i'll take it out afterwards i don't know i'll probably just set it on the floor and then
i'll call i'll have the electric uh cutter and all that thing okay what state are you calling
from sir arkansas really yeah is that how you do things there well i mean it's raining outside
what do you mean well most people either fry in their kitchen or in their bed porch yeah well
Well, yeah, but I mean, I don't have enough room in the kitchen.
It's the big fryer, the big one that you fill with the oil,
and I got the propane tank in here and everything, so I need more room.
Okay, is there any other questions I can answer for you, sir?
Well, like I said, I'll give you guys a call.
Can I get you, what was your name?
You can ask for, we don't take calls by name, sir.
Any of us can help you when you call, Dan.
All right, and I'll just rub my fingers through your hair and everything
until you taste good down there.
Thank you for calling, sir.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
All right.
Cook turkey in the fireplace?
Is that what we're going to do, Carl Sanders?
Hey, if you guys have any ideas for turkey, let me know.
I just wanted to get that manager.
I guess she sounded like she was going to be a hoot.
I got her freaking out.
You can't put a frozen turkey in the deep fryer, man.
It's going to fucking explode.
Welcome to Butterball.
To be connected to our Butterball turkey talk line for information on turkey preparation and cooking assistance.
Call is important to us and may be monitored or recorded.
Good afternoon.
Thank you for calling Butterball Consumer Affairs.
This is NOLA.
How may I help you?
Hello?
Hello?
Who's that?
NOLER?
NOLA.
NOLER.
N-O-L-E-R.
Got it.
Okay.
No, actually, it's N-O-L-A.
Like New Orleans?
That is correct.
Are you from there?
I am not, unfortunately.
Oh, okay.
All right.
Unfortunately, yeah.
It's got a lot of crime there.
A lot of blacks and stuff like that over there.
All right, so I need to know how much propane I need to cook the turkey inside the house.
Okay, I could not answer that question.
For one, I would not recommend that you use a propane cooker inside a home with an open flame.
Yeah, we need a nice blue flame.
What I'm thinking of doing, we're going to cook it in the fireplace,
fireplace um and i'm gonna put the turkey in there and put the propane tank inside the fireplace
with the turkey and then we'll like light the um the kindling we have some mulch that we made we
have a wood chipper over here where we're cutting some logs down okay so you're gonna put a propane
cooker inside your fireplace inside your home well yeah just so it gets the heat and the propane and
and it mixes in there, you know, kind of gives it a nice even, like a convection kind of process.
Okay, actually, I myself would not even recommend that simply because that propane is probably going to explode.
Well, it's metal, you know, it's metal.
Right, but if you're going to put a propane tank inside of a fireplace that has wood and flames.
Okay, you don't think that's wise.
Okay, how much gasoline could I use?
Okay, well, at this point, I can't give you that information.
I'm here to, you know, I can tell you how to cook the turkey, but I can't tell you how much propane gas to use in your tank.
How much can of butter can I use as a glaze over the turkey if I just make it in the oven?
We do not recommend that you use butter, period, on a turkey simply because it scorches once it starts cooking.
But this is can of butter.
Can of butter?
Yeah, or hash oil I can put inside the turkey, like where the stuffing goes.
Okay, the only recommendations that we do have is that you either take a cooking oil
to put on the turkey or a spray oil and just rub it.
How hot does the oil have to be for the THC to render out of the cannabis
and mix in with the juices from the turkey so that I can baste it
and the THC from the plant material will go into the flesh of the meat and all that
and then cook inside of it enough to...
Okay, so you're questioning me on how to cook marijuana inside of your turkey.
Well, it's...
Is that what you're asking?
No, I mean, just not marijuana, just THC from plant matter is what I'm saying.
Okay, sir.
At this point, we do have other consumers that we do have serious questions.
You know, I don't have time for any prank calls.
If you're sitting, I cannot give you that information.
All right.
Well, I'll keep looking online because your website, piece of shit fucking website, doesn't have anything on it.
Son of a bitch.
Okay, sir.
Due to your language, I am going to go ahead and disconnect the call.
Thank you for calling Butterball.
You have a good holiday.
Labia, labia.
All right.
Gave her a labia there at the end.
Dude, those numbers are fun.
They're closed at night, so you got to do it during the day.
Labia, labia.
Ask her how to kill a turkey comes from PrankCallR in the chat room.
Thank you.
Ask him how to kill a turkey.
Oh, God.
All right, I'll call back.
We'll do that.
This is fun.
I finally found someone that has to pick up.
Welcome to Butterball.
Maybe close it.
To be connected to...
Three.
We're sorry.
That was not a valid response.
Three.
Please try again.
Three.
To be connected to our Butterball Turkey Talk Line for information on turkey preparation
and cooking...
Thanks for calling Butterball Turkey Talk Line.
How can I help you?
Yes, hello.
I was calling to make an order.
What's that?
I'd like to make orders.
On what?
One meat.
What kind?
Fowl.
So how many times are you going to call?
Probably a few more.
Is there a problem?
Well, aren't you busy right now?
Don't you have other things to do?
No, I don't work for like another seven hours.
Eee, obviously.
Yeah.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
They're all talking about Carlito.
Oh, my God.
at the Butterball hotline, 1-800-Butterball.
Or as a friend of mine in high school said, Butterbull.
Yeah, that lady does suck.
I don't like her.
They're starting to make me feel like the steam shark
that everybody prank calls so much.
Welcome to Butterball.
To be connected to our Butterball Turkey Talk Line
for information on turkey preparation and cooking assistance,
press or say 3.
3.
Hello, Butterball Turkey Talk Line.
How can I help you?
Yes, hello.
I have a question.
is this the line to help with the turkey yes it is all right how many turkey machines are
do do you use well they just say they just straight up bang up on me now
fuck that was a new one that was a new lady too i think there's like five of them that work
together yes i'd like to make an order please okay yes all right one one uh chicken chicken
Chicken dinner, chicken fish.
One chicken meat.
Which one do you want, chicken dinner or chicken fish?
Do you have chicken meal, chicken spaces, chicken meal?
I do, but I have two chicken main dishes.
One of them is chicken dinner, other one is chicken fish.
All right, I'll just have the chicken dinner.
Chicken dinner, okay.
Yes, okay.
Do you have any shawarma?
That's the shawarma.
We have lamb beef shawarma and chicken shawarma.
Can I have the chicken, please, one order of that?
Okay.
Okay.
Chicken, okay.
Okay, I already got that.
Okay, and you can get it all ready for me and all that.
Okay, sounds good.
Any soups at all that you make there?
You don't have soup, right?
We have lentil soup today.
Oh, I'll try that.
Okay.
Okay.
Can I have two of those then?
Sure.
And just one chicken dinner plate, right?
Yes, that's right.
Okay, your name?
This is Billy.
Okay, about ten minutes.
Okay, I will talk to you then.
See you, bye.
Bye, honey.
All right, we'll call her back in ten minutes and tell her to go to hell and shit.
I just woke up from my nap machine.
Oh, good.
You want to call turkeys?
Yeah, you know, I want to place an order because I'm fucking hungry.
Okay.
All right.
Shit.
You're placing a turkey order?
Yeah.
I need to know how to kill the turkey first, though.
Holy shit, man.
This damn dog.
I think this is the right number.
Welcome to Butterball.
To be connected to our Butterball Turkey Talk Line for...
What the fuck is Butterball?
Thanks for calling Butterball Turkey Talk Line.
How can I help you?
I need to place an order.
For?
Turkey, I need to look up the menu first.
Just give me a second.
How are you doing today, ma'am?
What a bitch.
He hung up.
No way.
No way.
Oh, man.
I just pulled up the menu, too.
Welcome to Butterball.
To be connected to our Butterball Turkey Talk Line for information on turkey preparation
and cooking assistance, press or say three.
Okay, okay.
Three.
If you have a product
God damn it
Hi I have this turkey
I just need to know what ingredients
Would bring out the flavor
I have some provolone
Cheese
And I have some gravy
What else should I use
Some basil maybe
God damn they don't
What the fuck
Those are legitimate questions too
Oh man
Maybe they're on guard because of my marijuana
I want to then try it again.
I really want to get the supervisor.
Welcome to Butterball.
To be connected.
Butterball Turkey Talk Line.
Hi, can I speak to a manager, please?
I keep getting hung up on.
Ma'am.
Hey, ma'am.
Maybe we're in a hole.
Hello?
I think we're in a hole.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Excuse me.
They've changed.
They've changed, and they've come to tell you.
This time, they're going to get my stuff.
They're going to get my stuff.
I'm not going to let them live.
Now they hung up.
Son of a bitch.
The fuck?
Let me try to ask for a man.
all right welcome to butterball talk with the fake to our butterball turkey talk line for
good afternoon butterball turkey talk line may i help you yes may i speak to a supervisor please
no they hang right up asshole yeah it's pointless we only get like two different two or three people
uh i have to call to cancel the turkish food in six minutes okay i give a suggestion what's that
to start calling catholic churches around seattle yeah because they fired some catholic
principals i don't know they fucking fired him because he's gay oh no and the whole catholic
community here is freaking out really yeah so it'd be kind of funny to say you're from the vatican
you know and you're changing our gay policy or something yeah yeah yeah seattle wah all right
yeah you want some numbers uh i got a whole bunch of them here a lot of catholics
We'll start with Blessed Sacrament Church
Yes
And it was the
Eastlake Catholic High School or something like that
I can't remember
I'll do Sacred Heart of Jesus
That sounds nice in Italian
Sacred Heart of Jesus
Man that's a big story there
Wow
Mary fired him for being gay and getting married
To a man? He got married to a man?
He got married to a man
And fired him
And the students had to walk out and shit
Wow
Crazy
You have reached Sacred Heart Church in Seattle.
If this is an emergency or if you need to go to a priest, call 206-284-4681.
If you would like an extension of a priest or staff, please press 2 now.
If you would like to leave a message for the office, press 2-0-0 now.
For mass schedules, press 4.
For the food bank, please call 2-0-6.
Sorry, Skype stopped responding.
Anyway, I got that number that she said to talk to a priest directly.
Let's try that.
The emergency priest number.
That's him.
Shit, damn it.
Good
afternoon, Sacred Heart.
Yes, I have an emergency.
I must speak to a priest, and priests can only be men.
I have to see who's available, sir.
Okay, well...
Is this an emergency?
Should you call 911, sir?
No, no, no.
I need to speak to a priest as soon as possible.
It's a spiritual emergency.
Hold on, please.
My penis.
Sound like a nun, eh?
Shit, I forgot what my premise was.
Talk to the priest.
Uh, you're calling from the Vatican.
Oh, yeah.
Hello?
Oh, there is a Vatican.
From the Vatican.
From the Vatican.
It's a spiritual emergency.
and see. Anyway, we're
biding some time so I can call and
get Turkish Kitchen
Horse Girl. What's her name? Fiza on the
high one. A little bit upset at me.
Because she said...
She's a sweet honey baby. Yeah, honey baby
tits. Little titty. I'll call
a different Catholic church. I have a
couple of Catholic schools.
Yeah, put them in. I got a whole bunch
on the Google Maps.
God, this echo's killing me. Are you hearing
it? Yeah.
Who is this?
Yes, is this the Father?
Yes.
This is Eddie.
I have an emergency, a spiritual emergency.
Is your spirit breaking?
I was sleeping, and I had an apparition of St. Francis of Assisi, St. Clair.
They both appeared to me.
They told me that Jesus was angry.
Then they sent me to this place, and it was a church.
and the devil was inside the church and he was dressed really nice and he had like cologne on
good smelling cologne it was the devil he was inside the church he was laughing he said i will
own all of this he said to us and then jesus came in and he like busted the door and he like got mad
at the devil he said this is my father's house and he kicked him in the in the private parts
and he pulled his pants down and he bent him over uh the pew and he like put his penis inside his
anus and he was having sexual relations with the devil he's like yeah take take it take it like
that he said so take the power take it he said like that and then he started beating and then
jesus killed the devil he punched him he kept punching him and kicking him and everything
and the devil just disappeared and jesus is like i'm coming back and oh like that he went
like that he did that
so anyway i was trying to ask do you think this is should i speak to the labia about this the
vatican labia are you there i'm here all right should i speak to the vatican labia about this
Okay.
How can I get a hold of the labia?
The labia?
Isn't that the group of, that group in the Vatican, the labia?
I don't think you need to report to the Vatican.
Oh, it's the curia, not the labia.
The labia is something else, I think.
Do you know what the labia is?
No.
It's the vagina lips of a woman.
You wouldn't know.
So anyway, are you a priest or a deacon or a sacristan or what are you, Charlie?
I'm not Charlie.
Okay.
And I'm a priest.
Okay.
Oh, wow.
Am I in trouble because I said bad things?
No.
Okay.
Well, can you tell me what I should think about this dream?
I think you should just let it go.
All right.
And then, okay.
All right.
Fair enough.
Now, here's a question for you.
Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that he couldn't eat it himself?
No.
He could do anything.
He can do anything.
Jesus can't make black white.
That goes against it.
Jesus can't make hot coal, hot, hot coal, you know.
So he couldn't.
Jesus, he wouldn't do it.
He couldn't do it.
He wouldn't even try to do it.
He wouldn't even try.
You don't think he'd eat burritos?
Right.
He wouldn't want a burrito, right?
He'd probably like fish, right?
What do you think he'd like, fish, bread, probably, right?
I have no idea.
Lamb.
He enjoyed the food.
Red wine.
Happy as day.
Yeah.
Yeah, he liked figs, and there's one time that tree didn't give him figs.
He was like, you motherfucker, you, remember?
And he shook the fig tree and everything.
He shook it like, you motherfucker.
He said, God damn you, like that.
All right.
All right.
All right, honey.
Okay.
All right.
You have a God bless you.
Have a Merry Christmas, Happy Advent.
What week are we in?
Third week of Advent?
Where are we?
The fourth.
Fourth week of Advent.
Beautiful.
All right.
Well, God bless you.
All right.
Okay.
All right.
God bless you bye bye
Alright cool nice little conversation
Do you think I should speak to the labia
You wouldn't know what that is
He's a Vatican labia
Of course he doesn't he's a fucking priest
No I don't think you need to report that
He's a 70 year old virgin that guy
For fuck's sake
Alright let's
Let me wrap things up here
Calling Turkish Kitchen
Canceling an order
And making her so upset
I'm hoping this will lead to getting some more voicemails
from the dude
that's the last time
we left all those
crazy voicemails
cursing me out
in Turkish
is when I cancelled
an order
oh this is the guy
yeah
god I hate it
when that happens
I blame it on Arby
yes hi
I made the order
the chicken
two soups
and the shawarma
is that right
yeah it's ready
alright
I'm gonna cancel that
it's already
I already put it here
it's ready
yeah but I don't want that
you know
I don't need it
ok that's fine
alright
Alright, so you can go throw it in the garbage or something.
Yeah, I can.
Alright, you stupid.
You stupid.
Alright, well, I don't want...
Motherfucker.
Asshole.
Asshole.
That's all that for that, guys.
The women.
The women.
I think you should call back.
They said call back really fast.
Yeah.
They probably wouldn't answer.
I'm just saying.
The niggas are stupid.
What?
Hey.
Motherfucker.
Hey, did you put it in the trash yet?
Because you can take it out or don't put it in yet.
You want to eat it?
I already put some shit in it.
Do you want to eat it?
Oh, yeah?
Come here.
Yeah, with the shit.
Well, all your food has shit in it anyway.
I already had shit.
Oh, it's Tracy.
Hello?
Yeah, see?
I have your number.
I'll give it to the police.
Oh, my vagina.
You have my vagina.
Vagina.
All right, whatever.
All right, guys.
See, the police are getting involved now.
That's it.
That's it.
Icecoose, all right?
No.
Show's over.
All right, Icecoose, go on after me.
Come on.
You're awake.
All right.
Do some jumping jacks.
Do a show, all right?
I'll be listening.
I'll be I'm up all right bye
all right fucker
ice gears is going to be coming up next
thank you everybody including the butterball
people ice gears for joining me
who else is here everyone we call
I don't remember the redneck
selling shit

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