A $50 Tacky Tie?
30 Dec 2013 · 1 h 59 min · 15,841 words · source
Calls (34, 1 h 17 min of 1 h 59 min)
- Long African Security asked about information live 1.7 min clip ↓
- Matt Heath asked about song lyrics live 3.4 min clip ↓
- Caller calls about guinea pig song live 39 s clip ↓
- Caller responds to ad about clothes live 1.4 min clip ↓
- Burglar calls after breaking in live 1.5 min clip ↓
- Caller asks about pheasants and birds live 1.0 min clip ↓
- Caller seeks rental with dog live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Camcorder sale inquiry live 1.8 min clip ↓
- TJ Maxx customer service dispute live 5.8 min clip ↓
- Library asked about erotic book live 2.8 min clip ↓
- Church asked about erotic cake delivery live 2.4 min clip ↓
- Burrito delivery to cathedral live 1.7 min clip ↓
- Cathedral lady asked about Illuminati live 52 s clip ↓
- Burrito Joe's ordered three bean burritos live 2.4 min clip ↓
- Church delivery for pastor live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Church staff about food delivery live 5.1 min clip ↓
- Super 8 front desk sister room live 5.8 min clip ↓
- Diner prank call playback playback 4.4 min clip ↓
- Call to Burrito Joe's about food delivery live 2.4 min clip ↓
- Sycamore sandwich delivery denied live 54 s clip ↓
- Glad Tidings Church prayer line ivr 2.2 min clip ↓
- Prayer line prank call live 1.8 min clip ↓
- LaMigra immigration prank live 1.1 min clip ↓
- Christian Scientist church reading room inquiry live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Nonsense food order at restaurant live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Trails End Motel room 20 racial incident live 2.1 min clip ↓
- Trails End Motel room 120 noise complaint live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Tire store boat burning fire question live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Vapor Leaf asked about horny e-liquids live 1.8 min clip ↓
- Let It Ride asked about woman to iron shirt live 2.1 min clip ↓
- Feminist bookstore asked about book title live 3.6 min clip ↓
- Feminist bookstore order confusion live 3.0 min clip ↓
- Bookstore book title search live 2.1 min clip ↓
- Voicemail not set up voicemail 3.0 min clip ↓
Transcript
Are you wearing tight clothes? Do they show off your body?
How does your bicycle seat smell? After a hard day's ride, huh?
Hey, look at this. You want to take a look, huh? How about it?
You little monkey.
You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.
Hello everybody, I'm Carlito, the host of Madhouse Radio.
Let me adjust my mic on my phone.
There we are. Much better.
better okay i am here and i'm gonna do a show this afternoon this will be the only madhouse
radio show i would expect for for this week and i would presume therefore it'd be the last show
of 2013 another year in the record books been a big year for madhouse bro i must say we've seen
our listeners and subscribers grow exponentially the number of shows definitely grow exponentially
Eventually, the community has become much stronger than it was this time last year.
We've done a pretty good job.
I think all Madhouse staffers and hosts and even you listeners out there should give yourselves a big pat on the back.
You have made Carlito very happy.
All right, I don't even have Request a Prank in front of me.
I didn't even think about getting numbers.
You can see I planned ahead.
It's like I showed up to a math test without a pencil.
Let me get over to Request a Prank, see if we have anything there.
If not, I'll pull up Google Maps and start hunting for a city to prank.
Request the pranks that I have here from five days ago, from the 25th.
I don't know how accurate these are going to be.
There's the Power Rangers thing from Nova.
The problem is that's already been done.
I've heard that stuff already.
Dickhead sends in a number for Jacob, who's a kid who goes to this stupid school.
I'd rather not call a kid, just me.
We get a company formerly known as Vestim, which is ripped off so many people of their money,
it will be nice to give them a hard time thank you this comes from not mike hustick okay not
mike okay whatever mike sends that in a number in vegas for a company called mvp american
investment services a new name for this company after they ripped off a bunch of hard work in
americans let us call the first of the last of the pranks of 2013 for me thank you
Long African Security, Sylvia speaking. How may I help you?
Foo-foo-foo-foo-foo-foo-foo-foo.
Hello?
Hello?
Yeah, um, I was supposedly supposed to talk to someone regarding some information.
Foo-foo-foo-foo-foo-foo-foo.
Yes?
Okay, so, it was a man, first of all, not a woman.
Foo-foo-foo-foo-foo-foo-foo-foo-foo-foo.
Who do you think you are?
Uh, he's saying foo-foo-foo.
That's fucking stupid.
I'll do it again.
Yes, hi, what happened? The phone hung up.
I hung up on you.
Why?
Because you're an immature asshole.
You're a fucking cunt.
Immature asshole.
Listen, I wrote down in my paper you said A-S-S-hole.
She hung right up.
Bitch.
Bitch on her.
There you go, Mike.
There's that investment company you used to work for.
You used to rip people's money off, they fired you, and now you want to turn it on them.
You're just as guilty, Mike.
You're part of the problem.
Here's a number from Matt.
He's a songwriter and will believe anything I tell him.
he has a band called lights follow sounds christian call him and just fuck with him
tell him you need him to write a song about horsey cat machines this comes from a man bow
a man bow okay okay boy oh yeah i gotta copy it oops would help if i copied it oh yeah if you
have requests send them to me either in the madhouse chat room or use the request a prank
form both of those can be accessed at madhouse live dot com and this number is stupid or something
what's wrong with it or skype is stupid someone's calling back from that last place i called we'll
let it go to voicemail they're calling back should i answer it that was a waste of my time and yours
guys all i got was an echo when they picked up they're afraid they don't they don't need to call
call back. Don't call back if you're going to be
afraid. Alright? Call back for
a reason. Call back because you have
stones. What?
Matt Queef.
Try him again. Big Matt Queef.
C-Ass in the chat room.
Big C-Ass. How you doing, man?
What happened that you didn't pick up the phone?
Who's this? This is Eddie. What happened? I called
and it went to a message.
I don't understand. Who are you trying
to reach? Big Heath. Matt Heath.
Who is this again?
This is Eddie.
Eddie?
Eddie who?
Eddie Cross?
Eddie Raw?
I'm not used to giving my last name out to strangers, you know?
I don't know what you're trying to get at.
Listen, I tried to call you and it went to voicemail, I guess.
Is that what it was, or an answer machine?
What does that mean?
What does it mean?
Who is it?
Eddie Cross.
Do you have something to write it down with?
I'll do that.
You'll what?
Eddie who?
Cross?
Yeah.
All right, so the next time you ask me, I'm going to ask you to refer to the first line
of what you wrote down, okay?
Okay?
Don't fucking ask me again, you little shit.
What can I do for you, Eddie?
Someone told me to give you a call.
Do you know who would do that?
Do I know?
Hang on a sec, Eddie.
I'm going to put you on speaker.
It's about a song?
So I'm not going to tell you that.
There's a song out there that I want.
You write songs, right?
You want to kick them.
All right, so where can I download this John Legend song?
It's called Who Do We Think We Are?
What's it called?
Who Do We Think We Are?
Who do you think you are?
Yeah, who do we think we are?
I think you could probably go to, I don't know, iTunes or something like that.
How much do you charge for that?
How much do you charge to make that?
I charge probably, I would say, I would charge 10 grand per song.
Yeah, because they told me 99 cents or something like that.
Oh, well, that's wrong because, you know, every time you play this song, it adds up.
I figured you played this song at least 10,000 times.
That's if I sign Rolly Options over there.
I'm not going to do that.
Who do you think you are?
How are you doing, buddy?
I'm doing great.
How are you?
I'm good.
What time did you wake up today?
Did you get some...
What did you eat for breakfast?
I don't know, but it's killing me because I don't recognize the voice.
You sound like a guy...
I know Brian has something to do with this.
Shut up.
What do you eat for breakfast?
You sound like a guy who eats dried Cheerios and half a banana.
Is that about right?
Hey, man.
I got to go.
No, don't go.
I got to call Cindy.
You know Cindy?
She told me to call you.
Cindy who?
I don't really know her last name.
She said to call you about songs, that you knew about getting songs.
Well, what kind of songs?
What do you need from me?
I can't get you any Don Mudgeon songs.
There's one about a guinea pig.
You know that?
My niece sings it in school.
Something guinea pig, guinea pig giveaway.
You know which one?
Hello?
Well, it says the guinea pig lady connected, but the other guy disconnected,
and the guinea pig lady says quiet.
Okay, if anyone has a large or extra large women's clothes or arts or crafts,
what? Extra large women's clothes or arts or crafts items they no longer want or tools with
batteries and can bring them to me. I do not have a working truck. What the fuck? Anything you got
for Christmas and do not want, I will put to good use. Also need a manual wheelchair and a power
wheelchair, please. Thank you so much and God bless. I live in the name of the city, which I
don't want to give out because i don't want these people to be harassed by the multitude of perverts
that listen to this madhouse show and the network as a whole a lot of perverts and you know stuff
like that perverted people sexual deviant they are deviant okay we don't have a name unfortunately
there's no name but we'll make do hello yes hi did you put an ad for um extra large clothes
You what?
You put an ad for large women's clothes and arts and crafts, stuff like that?
Yeah, I did.
All right, I just broke into a house.
I'm in the garage, and they've got a lot of, like, big-sized women's clothes that I can take.
Okay, are you just going to give it away?
Well, no, I broke into the house looking for jewelry and collector's coins,
and they don't really have anything.
But I'm inside the garage now, and I see they have a few...
You broke into our house?
Yeah, I'm a burglar.
But anyway, I...
Well, I'll tell it.
You have a good day, okay?
Look, it's really good clothes.
It's name brand stuff.
There's a Tom Ford suit in here.
Oh, boy.
If you're a burglar and stealing stuff, will you leave me alone?
No, I'm not a murderer.
I just...
I take...
I said a burglar.
No.
Listen, I believe in Jesus Christ, and he sees everything and knows everything.
everything so if you're stealing stuff from people that you fucking buy fat okay what you
got to pay for when you're kneeling and when you're on your knees kneeling in front of jesus
christ i don't i don't steal from christians these people are muslim wouldn't that make it okay
if i target jews and muslims you think that would make it okay for her probably what if i said it's
a catholic house i saw a virgin mary statue in the front i think they're puerto ricans because
Because the house smells like garlic.
Like garlic and fried plantains from yesterday.
Alright, that's me being a burglar.
That probably wasn't that good of an idea.
Because I am...
Who the fuck does that?
Yeah, I'm here stealing shit from this house.
I came across your ad.
I saw your ad on my iPhone.
I was breaking in.
I thought I'd give you a call.
Leave me alone.
You are a burglar.
I'm looking for...
Here's someone.
I'm looking for peach pheasants.
Oh, I bet you that tastes good.
or the lady amherst pheasant or game chickens and call big lisa yeah her email address starts
with dixie chick plus so she's plus size yeah big girl indeed the mailbox belonging to lisa
franklin lisa the mail point lisa franklin is full and cannot accept new messages at this
A lot of people calling about chickens and pheasants and birds.
Well, chicken isn't a game bird.
When's the last time you saw a wild chicken?
I've heard of wild horses, and now there's wild dogs and feral dogs.
Never any wild chickens.
No wild cows out there, right?
That'd be weird.
I got attacked by a wild chicken.
All right.
Here's someone looking for ASAP a two-bedroom with finished basement or a three-bedroom for rent.
Must allow small house trained dogs
Willing to do any work that may need to be done
Very clean and neat people they say they are
This is Trina aka Death Chick
Turbo says wild hogs, good point
I said wild horses, Mr. Turbo
Maybe you weren't listening
Oops, I'm stupid, I copied the date
Not the fucking phone number
But door
Say that again
Trina, leave me a message and I'll get back to you
Calling again
Shut up
smoke it up in the chat room asking if there's going to be a new year's show i'm sure there
will be i will not be doing it this year because i have to work new years unfortunately and i'll
be making double time and a half doing it motherfucker for little to no work i'll be
listening to whoever's on i would i can pretty much 90 confident tell you that someone will go
on then we've got enough good coverage here now last year was fun me and brad did a show new
new year's um what was i gonna say something else to mention uh i guess not okay moving right along
let's look for another ad here's someone looking for a couple loose couple loses everything now i
can't call someone about a couple loses everything a house fire i can't do that sorry uh here's
someone with a full hd rcv camcorder has a 40x optical zoom great camcorder blue and the screen
and also turns anybody buy camcorders anymore that used to be a big thing but now everyone
just has a smartphone i presume people don't remember like back in the day people used to
buy digital cameras i remember i never wanted to but everyone's like oh you know you get a
camcorder and a digital camera and now as long as you have your phone you're fine good enough
covers both oh hello hello yeah hey you driving honey yeah oh where you going how many days i'm
calling about your camcorder you still have it oh yeah i still got it oh you have it now like
where are you going you're going to work no i'm just going to my aunt's house for a few minutes
are you gonna kiss her hello you're gonna yeah yeah listen don't be snotty um the camcorder
you still have it how much you're asking for i think it was 247 um that's what i gave for it i'm
just asking 65 oh yeah all right and does how does it work does it have a memory card in it or how
How do you save the stupid things on it?
A memory card.
A memory card?
All right.
And do I get the memory card with it?
Because I'm going to look in there in the memory card for all your old stuff.
No, my memory card has my daughter's first birthday and stuff on it.
The memory card doesn't come with it.
Ah, does it have her birth on it?
Did you record her birth?
I don't know what kind of sick prank this is, but don't call my phone.
Well, I'm just asking if you used it for that.
All right, because I can recover deleted files.
all right she don't pick up the second time well then let's uh pick that city to look up some
numbers to mess around with today on this new year's eve eve the eve of new year's eve all
right how about we do central time zone since this afternoon not morning all right i found a city
Zoom in on here.
Let's see.
What part of the river?
What side of the river looks to be more ethnic?
Just a moment here.
I'm making my final selection where we're going to call.
So I think this is like the straight up downtown because I see the baseball stadium and the football stadium.
Yeah.
And that usually means pretty ghetto.
Johnny Rockets.
Yeah.
Johnny Rockets should be open at 1130.
Build-A-Bear.
I never prank called Build-A-Bear.
Let's see if they're open.
It's not giving me a phone number.
Motherfucker.
Never mind.
Never mind, no Build-A-Bear, guys.
I guess one day I will get to call Build-A-Bear.
I'm going to put that down, because that could have some good stuff it could do.
Okay, here's TJ Maxx, home of the second largest ever infiltration
from a hacker to steal credit card information,
the first being the recent Target one.
Hey there, TJ Maxx, what's up now?
What are you doing?
What are you doing over there?
What's going on, honey?
What are you doing?
Who is this?
This is Bill.
What are you doing?
Hello?
Don't hang up.
What was that about?
I'm sorry?
How did I start talking to you?
I was talking to someone else.
I don't know.
She just handed me the phone.
What can I help you with?
Can you ask her?
I don't want to explain the whole thing all over again.
Well, hold on just a minute, okay?
Okay, hurry up.
What did she say?
She said that he just asked me what I was doing, and that's all I said, so she handed
the phone to me.
I just asked how things are going.
That's it.
I was asking how things are going.
Okay.
Okay, can I help you with something?
Yeah, well, what are your hours today?
We're open until 8 today.
And what's your return policy?
Because I got a stupid gift.
I don't usually put on secondhand clothes, like non-name brand stuff.
Do you have a gift receipt or anything with it?
They wrote down on a piece of paper how much it was, and they said this should work out.
It says $50 for a tie.
$50 for a tie?
Yeah, I guess it's like a Tom Ford tie.
I don't believe we have it at this location.
We don't carry Tom Ford ties.
Our most expensive ones here are $29.99.
Yeah, I don't even know if they got it there or not.
They just said that's how much it was.
Yeah, we don't carry it at this location.
Yeah, but you can give me store credit then.
Do you have a gift receipt or the price tag on it?
It's got a tag on it.
Okay, is it a PJ Maxx price tag?
It says the name of the person that made the shirt.
It's got inspected.
it has a barcode are you returning a shirt or a tie well i got both i'm in the bathroom right now
if you bring it in we can take a look at it and try to see if we can find something to match it
up with for the price well then just then i'll i can it's if it's 50 then i can get a few things
you know well it depends on if we can match it up for that price sir well what are you going to
to match it up for that's how much we have a tom ford it says fifty dollars on it so you have the
actual tj maxx price tag on it no it has a separate it's like a handwritten price tag does it have
the style and the department and everything on it or it says shirt it says tie and then the other
one says shirt on it and big but it's not a tj maxx receipt i never said it was or it wasn't like
i said i don't even know if it came from tj maxx that's not my problem i just know i need to get
this for place. There was someone else coming
into the bathroom again. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to have to call from the bathroom,
you know, but I'm at work.
So you can bring it in and we can try to match it up.
But I, you know, like I said, we don't
carry any Tom Ford ties here.
So we can try to do what we can, but
if we don't sell it, we can't take it back.
What I'll do is I'll bring the tie and I'm
going to leave it like on the tie section.
I'm going to bring it and then
I'll pick a few things that equal
50 or as close as I can. I'll just
just walk out and then you know i'll but i'll leave the tie there for you guys you guys figure
it out no you have to come through the service desk and go through the process of changing the
proper way i'll just leave it i'll leave the type the service desk for you guys you guys will find
i'll leave a note and then i'll go get whatever i'll look see if you have anything in my size
i'll try a few things on and i'll be like all right see you you know now we have to go through
the process of ringing it up and everything well you can do it we just don't drop it off and go
go pick something up and leave the store.
You can bring it up on your time, you know?
But I can't wait.
I mean, it's not my fault.
But you don't even know that it came from here, correct?
It probably did.
Because I don't believe we have a Tom Ford tie here.
It looks like the kind of stuff you'd have there, you know?
It's really tacky.
Well, it's really tacky.
Yeah.
But it's a $50 tacky tie.
It's like a white people tie, yeah.
Well, you just have to bring it to the service desk,
and we have to see what we can do.
You just can't drop it off and leave it.
Okay?
I really don't have that much time.
I just want to get in and get out.
Well, then just come back another time when you do have time, sir.
Shit, goddammit.
I don't have goddamned fucking time.
Jesus.
I'm telling you.
I was trying to say I don't have the fucking time.
Great day at TG Maxx Downtown.
May I offer you exceptional customer service?
Yeah, exceptional customer service, my foot.
Oh, boy.
Great day at TJ Maxx.
May I offer you exceptional customer service?
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
How mature, guys.
How mature.
All right.
Let's get off TJ Maxx's dick for a while.
i'll call someone else motherfucker we'll call mercantile library we'll ask the mercantile
library they got a certain book there how you doing i'm fine hey good i wanted to see if you
have a title in can you look it up do you know how to use a computer i know you're a woman but
you know how to use it yeah who is this uh is there do you have to check me in well are you
trying to reach the public library i'm my name is arlo i'm trying to call the mercantile library
okay are you one of our members yeah oh yeah okay do you need my i mean if you don't believe me i
have i have the information here in front of me if you don't just give me your name that's all i
need arlo i said okay that's your first or last name just arlo that's all you need is arlo okay
all right you ready to look sure you can do you have a computer at home you can access our catalog
at home also remotely i'm not at home okay that's what i'm calling it's called uh you
You motherfucker.
Thanks for calling.
Glenn Zolmar.
I think that was the Jehovah's Witness Library or something.
Library?
Is this the reading room?
I beg your pardon?
Is this the reading room?
It is.
Okay.
Am I calling the colored section or the whites only?
Are you calling what?
Trying to see if you have a title.
Are you trying to reach the mercantile library?
Yes.
I'm a member.
Okay.
My name is Arlo.
Okay.
What's the title?
Don't be nasty.
It's called You Motherfucker.
Uh, is there a white section?
What the fuck?
Library.
Hello.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Okay.
The library.
Here's a cathedral.
Let's call it church.
I always love calling these churches in the afternoon, in the morning, being vulgar and
nasty, talking about labia and erotic cakes.
Done that recently.
Calling a church, ask about erotic cakes.
Jesus Christ.
God bless you.
God bless you.
You too.
Thank you.
I'm glad you said that back.
I have a delivery here I wanted to coordinate for an erotic cake.
For what?
An erotic cake.
I guess you guys are having a New Year's event here.
I don't know if it's you guys or someone right now.
Is it for Christchurch Cathedral?
Yes.
Yes, an erotic cake.
Okay.
Yeah.
So what's your question?
Well, it's supposed to be for a night delivery.
I'm trying to coordinate what time exactly.
What time is your New Year's event?
For a night delivery?
I don't know anything about this.
What did they put on their order?
It says Illuminati ordered one erotic cake, one phallus cake, and one vulva.
One order, one dozen vulva cupcakes.
Is there a name with this order?
It says that it's supposed to be delivered to Illuminati.
This is Christ Church Cathedral. I don't know anything about Illuminati.
I think they rented out for a New Year's event there.
Church Cathedral?
That's what it looks like to me.
i'm just the cakery guy my name is joe k my name is joe i work for joe's cakery uh-huh yeah i know
nothing about this without a name i don't even know who to deliver it to i don't have a
luminari is that what it's called illuminati i think it's like some kind of um religious
organization fraternorship fraternity partnership of men they have like secret um meetings and
and churches and stuff like that.
Okay, and they're supposed to be having something at church?
Yeah, they're going to go down.
They're going to have, like, a black mass, they call it, I guess.
For when?
A black mass.
I said for when, for what day?
New Year's, New Year's, New Year's.
I don't have anything on my schedule for that.
Well, they're going to have, like, a penis cake
and, like, these cupcakes that are shaped like a vagina.
I don't have anything on the schedule for that.
So it would not be held here.
He told me they were bringing a horse in there,
that they're all gonna take turns behind the horse it's april fool's day fucking the horse
april fool's day fuck you you too yeah it's april fool's day all right it's april fool's day
whatever the fuck does that mean it's not april she's got her days wrong because it's december
30th stupid illuminati right okay eluma lottery right okay forward movement in the same block
maybe they're the same bitch forward movement that's good that sounds good you know the good
bowel movement good forward bowel movement here it comes guys here it comes for calling forward
movement publishers of forward day by day our offices are closed today and we are unable to
fuck you uh skyline chili all right there we go skyline chili i don't know where to go with that
Yeah, but we'll call it.
We'll complain about the church across the street, see if we can get some info on the black lady.
I'll make an order.
I'll make an order.
Hi, Fort Sycamore.
How may I help you?
Do you do delivery orders locally, close by?
Yes, we do.
If it's within four blocks.
Oh, yeah.
I'm at the cathedral across the street.
Across the street?
Okay.
Do you know where we are?
Yeah, you're right across the street.
Yeah.
All right.
So what kind of burritos?
What do I get?
Do you have special ones, or did I just tell you what I want?
We have all chili, bean mix, vegetarian, and regular, which would just be whatever is inside,
and then all topping and cheese.
Then we have a deluxe, which comes with lettuce, tomatoes, and sour cream.
All right, two bean burritos, one chili burrito.
Two of them?
Yeah.
Do you want the deluxe?
Yeah, yeah, totally.
Okay.
Do you have Pepsi or Coke?
Pepsi.
All right, yeah, and just bring that over.
My secretary is here, and she'll take that.
All right.
Two bean and one chili.
Two bean and one chili?
Yeah.
Taking a drink?
No, that's it.
Forget it.
All right.
And then did you want to,
are you paying with cash or credit?
Cash.
All right.
How long will it be?
It'll be about five, ten minutes
and I'll be across the street.
All right, honey.
Thank you.
Uh-huh.
Bye-bye.
All right, cool.
And we'll call back
and be like,
motherfucker, you know?
Like, yeah.
So we're sending the mean church lady
two, three burritos.
Three burritos.
You know what's funny?
The street behind the cathedral
is called Alley.
So I'm not really far off when I'm saying Illuminati shit.
Come on.
Oh, here's Burrito Joe's right across the way.
Let me get the name of the Christchurch Cathedral lady, though.
Make it seem a little more legit.
Doobie doobie doo.
We'll wait a little bit here, see if that connects.
Then I can call the other burrito place.
Here's an apartment complex.
Here we go, finally.
God damn it.
Cathedral, may I help you?
What was your name?
This is Christchurch Cathedral.
And what's your name?
My name is...
Oh, that's a beautiful name.
Thank you.
All right, do you want to have lunch?
No, sir, I don't want to have lunch.
I don't even know who you are.
I just want to say I'm sorry.
You know, do you like burritos?
No, sir.
Is this the same?
You called about that Illuminati show?
Well, yeah, because the back street back there is...
You may be delivering something for the Masons.
Hold on, please.
Yeah, but they're evil.
Maybe they're delivering burritos.
Burritos already.
Oh, my God, be something.
Yeah.
Oh, she hung up.
Anyway, I guess the Masons do hang out back there.
He's like, oh, the Masons.
All right, so her name is Crystal.
Let's call Burrito Joe's.
Tell them to bring three burritos to Crystal also.
It's funny because I asked her if she likes burritos.
This is bad, guys.
This is bad.
What I'm doing is a bad thing.
Don't do this, what I'm doing.
Do as I say, not as I do when I say on the phone.
Burrito Joe's.
Hey, honey, I'd like to make an order.
Do you do delivery within a few blocks?
For today?
Yeah, I'm here at the cathedral.
How many orders is it?
I just need three burritos.
Three burritos?
Yeah, please.
Where are you located at exactly?
We're right down the street.
We're on the same block.
Oh, right.
Cathedral.
Cathedral.
Oh, man.
Okay.
All right.
What is it?
And the first burrito?
I just want three bean burritos.
Three bean burritos?
Yeah.
Do you want rice in them?
Yeah, rice.
Cheese?
Yeah, cheese, sour cream.
Lettuce, tomato, onion?
Yeah, that's fine, sure.
Olive, jalapeno?
No, no.
Cream?
Just on one.
Yeah, on one?
Yeah.
Okay.
Salsa?
No, no, no.
That's it.
No more on it.
Okay, so we're going to have three bean and rice burritos.
They're all getting cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion, and then on one is sour cream.
Yeah, and then Crystal, she's my secretary.
I'm going to be in the rectory.
She's going to pay cash.
Can I get a total so I can give her the money?
Hey, where do you want us to take these to?
Should we go right in the front doors off the street?
Yep, yep.
That's there.
Crystal will help you out.
You got it.
All right, honey.
Okay, it is 1785.
All right, thank you.
Have a blessed day.
How long do you think it'll be?
Like I told you.
Give us at least 10 minutes.
All right, have a blessed day.
Thank you.
You too.
Thank you.
Bye.
All right, bye-bye.
All right, cool.
Now send the sandwiches.
This is bad, guys.
What I'm doing is wrong and bad.
I'm very bad for doing this.
I'll end at the sandwiches.
No more.
Do you do delivery locally here?
Yeah, I'm within a few blocks.
I'm right across the street.
I'm at the church cathedral.
Okay, sorry to bother you.
Do you have a roast beef sandwich?
Alright, can I get one?
Okay.
Yeah, that's fine.
Sure, honey.
I'll get somebody to bring it over there.
and my delivery guy just left.
Why?
Okay.
What side dish are you having?
Do you have just potato chips?
Yes.
Okay.
What's your name?
I'm Pastor Morgan.
Crystal's the secretary.
I'm going to be in the rectory with the rectum.
Crystal's going to be at the, you know, answering the phone and whatnot.
She'll give you the cash.
If you can tell me how much the total is, I'll make sure she has it.
$7.99.
All right.
That's it.
All right.
I'll give her $10 for the tip.
All right.
Cool.
I'm going to go use the bathroom.
Yeah, all right.
I got to go.
All right.
Okay, bye.
I got to use the bathroom.
What the fuck says that?
I got to use the bathroom.
I got to go.
Oh, okay.
All right, we'll give her about 10 minutes,
and those deliveries should probably already have been delivered
or will be in the process.
Yeah.
Breaking the law.
Yeah, man, yeah.
88278-8509.
You know what?
I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box
And a trap door at the bottom.
So when you die, you open that trap door at the bottom,
you check the GPS, and you go straight down to the hell.
House Radio is back.
You are bigger than a woman.
You are better than a woman.
We'll always be behind you.
Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.
Watch your face, motherfucker.
Oh, I'm back, everybody.
And this is the December 30th Madhouse Show.
The last Madhouse show of 2013.
All right, enough with the farting.
Enough with the shitting and farting.
We've been having an all right show today so far.
I guess I haven't had an all right show.
If anybody out there would like to join me, any of the Madhouse hosts or regular callers,
regular contributors, let me know.
I'm in a pretty good mood, you know what I mean?
Got nothing big on my agenda.
Just got to go grocery shopping at some point before 5 o'clock.
That gives me a good two, three hours to hang out.
Okie dokie.
Let us call the church.
Ask her if she got her shit.
I'm curious if they've delivered anything yet.
This is bad, dude.
I should not have done this.
Rest in peace, Biggie Smalls and Tori's Big I.G. Biggie.
This guy had like four or five names.
He was so big.
Pedro, this is Kathy.
Is Crystal there?
No, she's out to lunch.
Okay, because I wanted to, we were supposed to meet up for lunch.
Okay.
Yeah, did the food make it there at all?
The food?
Yeah.
What did you want?
I had ordered burritos for us to eat and a sandwich.
For you and Crystal to eat?
Yeah.
Okay, can you hold this a minute, sir?
Where are you going?
Can I help you?
What happened?
Can I help you?
Is this pastor?
No, it's not.
Oh, I got the pastor a sandwich.
What?
Who's it for?
Well, the pastor, I got the sandwich for the pastor, and I got burritos for the rest of us.
Okay.
Did they make it yet?
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
Thank you.
How many burritos?
I'm coming.
I'm on my way.
Is Crystal there?
She's supposed to coordinate this.
Oh, I don't think she knows anything about it.
What's your name?
You haven't even told me who you are.
Well, I'm here at the church.
Tell me what your name is.
What do you do?
Are you a church staff member, a volunteer?
Yeah.
Yeah, no, I'm a staff member.
Can I help you?
Are you the choir director?
I am not.
What do you do?
Can I help you?
I'm the facilities manager.
Can I help you?
Well, I already called and asked a few things.
Okay.
I got the cathedral administrator here.
Can he help you?
Put him on, then.
I don't care.
Okay.
Mark Preece, how can I help you?
Hey, Mark, how are you?
Good.
Who am I speaking to?
I don't know you.
I'm a friend of Crystal's.
And what is your name, please?
I don't know if I want to give it to you.
Well, I can't help it if I don't know your name.
Well, I've never met you before, you know?
I've known Crystal for a while.
Okay.
Did she get the food there?
Because I'm coming in and we're all going to have burritos
and I got a sandwich for the pastor if the pastor's there.
Okay.
If not, then someone else can have the sandwich, you know?
All right.
The food made it then, honey?
Well, why was the food ordered?
For us to eat, for us to have lunch together.
Who's we?
Me, Crystal, and the rest of the staff.
I wanted to bring enough for everybody.
Oh, okay.
Well, I don't think Crystal was aware of it, or she wasn't interested.
So the food just came without anybody's approval.
So we were uncertain what to do.
So we bought the food.
Oh, good.
So we took care of it.
Well, I'm coming in, then.
I'll give you guys the money for it, you know?
No, that's okay.
We paid for it.
But who should I be expecting?
Well, listen.
God.
Goodness me.
me i made i wanted to treat the staff there to food and have lunch with crystal and now you're
you're being really rude you're you're like saying that your money's to my money isn't good enough
for you is that what it is my charity isn't good enough for you i mean god damn it okay seriously
god damn okay how dare you number one we didn't request the food weren't aware of it so we paid
for the food okay then i'm gonna come and give you the money for the food no that's okay no since we
weren't aware of it we wanted to pay for it and we put and we distribute it to the staff so that's
fine god damn it we we took care of it mother so i appreciate you know who you call you got the
number what number who what what guy huh what are you talking about so what what do you mean
I got the number one guy, what?
Now, who should we thank for this?
I think the Lord.
Okay.
And you said you were coming in?
Yeah, I'm coming in to have my burrito.
Did you get my burrito out?
I got the one with sour cream.
Okay.
And what time do you think it'll be?
Maybe about, well, I'm in the bathroom now.
I think maybe in about ten minutes I'll head down there.
Okay.
I've got to wash my hands and flush the toilet and everything.
Okay.
Okay?
Sounds good?
All right.
Okay, I'll see you.
Okay, bye.
Okay.
I wonder if they got all the burritos.
That'd be funny if after the conversation, three more burritos show up.
I think they've only gotten one order so far.
Because they're not, like, incredulous about it.
You know what I mean?
Because if three orders from three different places showed up,
they wouldn't just be like, oh, we paid for it.
They'd be like, motherfucker, one is fine.
Fucking three?
Maybe I'll call back.
Whatever.
Well, at least they're not mad about it.
i just considered it a nice corporate lunch church lunch i'm doing the best i can uh combat
uh the masons the evil free masons jose wants to be on let's call big jose he just got his
good enough degree hey boy hey what's up hi you have a girlfriend not anymore why you broke up
you just met her what happened i don't know was she a man something no it was just something
did spray's song about you guys break you up yes it was the best song ever they didn't hear that
song what was the song about lux um it's auto tune and anal sex for three minutes awesome all
about jose and that girl with the chubby cheeks yeah that he met at the party line you've been
on a party line wow that's so 90s of you jose wow very nice okay and she lived all the way in
in florida and you're in illinois yep well you got matt beat he's in illinois and he's uh in love
with a swedish girl in sweden right something like that so yes ida yeah she's super foreign
good good for you guys all right well i'm doing calls i don't know if you knew that i got a
prank here from turbo with big roosters screw turbo bad person someone has three
Three nice large roosters for sale, okay.
Nice.
Can you eat a rooster?
I think we just eat regular chickens.
What do the roosters get a free pass, motherfuckers?
The hens, you know, they make eggs.
Order them more food.
No one is available to take your call.
Please leave a message after the tone.
No answer there.
Damn it.
All right.
So the guy staying in this room is sketchy as shit.
He pays cash every day and has been staying here for about a month.
He pays for his next day in the early morning, reeks of weed, is black, and the desk should connect me with room number only.
I won't have to worry about the name.
If not, the guy is Indian.
The answer is so we can say Banshee Gandhi.
Okay, good, good.
We got a second plan for that also.
Very good.
Turbo, have you not learned yet about using people from your hotel for prank calls?
See, I put up some ads on Craigslist that the hotel was selling tractors while he was working.
Can I help you?
Hey, boy, how are you?
I need room 206.
One moment.
Okay.
All right, fine.
Morning, somebody.
Can I help you?
Hey, Banchute, how are you?
I was calling because...
Hi, Banchute.
That's good, you little monkey.
I was trying to get 206.
Don't transfer me, all right?
Listen to what I have to say.
You understand?
Yeah, I did 206.
Yeah, but they didn't pick up.
Why?
I don't know.
Maybe there's nobody there.
Go find out.
Who find out?
You.
I don't go up and find out the tail, but I can't go and knock on the door.
It's important.
Yeah, why can't you knock the door?
I can try once more, Gene.
But if he doesn't pick up, then I have to call you back, you know?
He just goes right through.
Of course he's not going to pick up.
Oh, I hung up on everybody.
I hate it when I do that.
Fuck.
Whoops.
You hanged up on everybody, didn't you?
Yeah, I hit the wrong one.
Fuck me.
I'm calling back.
I was trying to call him back real quick, so it looked obvious that I didn't even let him try to put me through.
He sounds kind of goofy.
Have you guys talked to him already?
This is...
I don't want to give it out.
I don't want to say who it is, where Lux already did that.
That's kind of rude.
What?
That's rude that you said that about Turbo.
Oh, it'd be so funny.
But no, that's a bad idea.
Because the Bhenchod guy is his boss.
Yeah.
Good morning, Super 8.
May I help you?
What are you doing?
Fine.
Good.
Is this the same guy I was talking to, the Bhenchod?
Who?
Are you the Bhenchod I was talking to earlier?
What are you talking about?
I don't know.
I was talking to someone who was trying to transmit her room.
Don't put me through to that room, you fuck.
You want to go to that, what room number?
Well, where's your sister at?
What room is she in?
Who is the sister?
Your sister.
What room is she in?
She's waiting for me.
My sister?
Yeah, she's waiting for me.
Oh, really?
Then come down to the hotel here.
I'll tell you the room number I use.
Son of a gun.
Well, I need to talk to her first.
I need to see what kind of condoms she likes.
Okay, just come down to the office and I'll show you everything.
Well, I'm going to ask her.
It's her pussy.
No, you don't have to ask her.
You have to take permission from me to do all that crap.
It's your sister's pussy I'm going to put my dick in, not you.
Son of a gun.
He's a son of a...
Ugandu?
Son of a...
Marajan.
Nice.
So, I have an idea.
Oh, God.
After, uh...
At some point.
Yeah.
Good, good.
Put it on a post-it note.
And don't forget.
you.
Hey, honey, how are you?
What?
How you doing, honey baby?
Note to self, don't ever say that to a feminist bookstore.
She sounded like a dude, didn't she?
Thank you, Skype.
Got a love ring.
Hello, you've reached Blue Stocking's bookstore, cafe, and activist center.
Located at...
You were pressed an invalid key.
Activist center, guys.
Oof.
Yeah.
Woof.
Those activists.
Yeah.
Speaking of which, I'm going to play a call here from, I think it was Sunday morning, was it?
I got off of work, and I was in a diner, and I told Turbo and Baz to call it.
Yes.
And you recorded the aftermath, right?
I did, but you can't understand anything.
It just sounds like the diner.
You just hear the fucking cook slamming shit around and people opening the door.
It sucks.
I'll try to clean it up.
I'm going to try to clean it up, but I wasn't planning on it.
It was a last-minute thing, so I just had my phone.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Next time, if I do ever do something, it was fun.
Anyway, so the guy that's getting pranked in this is sitting behind me,
and I'm trying not to laugh.
And there's one point, and I'll point out to you when it happens,
where I almost spit iced tea out of my mouth out into my omelet.
But here it is.
This is the diner call from a few days ago.
It was really funny.
Listen.
Hey there.
I have a family member in your establishment and really need to get in touch with him.
His cell phone's out of batteries or something.
There's a family situation that's come up.
His uncle in the nursing home is causing a giant ruckus and insisting on speaking.
His name is Jack Valente.
I'll see if anybody's here.
Jack, Jack, why is Jack Valente?
He's here.
Sorry.
We couldn't get a hold of you on your cell phone.
Hello.
And there was a problem.
Hello.
Hello, Mr. Valente.
Mr. Valente.
No, who are you looking for?
I'm looking for you.
Your cousin is creating a big ruckus in the nursing home.
No way, man.
Yeah.
My name is David Snozzwell.
Okay.
I'm calling from the Sunny Vista Nursing Home,
and your second cousin, Elmer, is creating a huge ruckus.
He's running amok throughout the nursing home,
and he's yelling for you.
What nursing home is this?
The Sunny Vista Nursing Home?
It's not...
No, Sunny Vista.
You got the wrong person.
I don't know who you're referring to.
Yeah.
I don't have any relatives in that nursing home.
He's telling you that you're going to service him at the glory hole?
That I'm going to do what?
Service him in the glory hole and that he can't wait any longer?
No.
You got the wrong person, buddy.
I'm sorry to say.
That he's fully erect right now, and he really needs you badly.
Hello?
What's the last name you're looking for?
Valente.
Valente.
Yes.
No, that ain't my last name.
All right, so this is to give you, I'm sitting, again, literally my head is right against this guy behind me.
There's a crowd of regulars gathered around him trying to figure out what's going on,
because you're like is it one of the other regulars that comes in it's playing a joke
they all think of some guy named clark who goes there a lot i guess um i go there enough that
they know my face but they don't know me by name and shit i don't talk to them but they recognize
me as the the young guy with the orlando hat that's always here anyway so i'm trying to keep
my composure and and the waitress is the most freaked out but the whole time because she's like
i'm sorry she's saying i don't know if you guys can hear but she was like i'm sorry she said your
his name is jeff and they thought by saying jack valente then he meant jeff and she she he kept
saying you won't be able to hear it but when i was there he was kept saying that his mother-in-law
is in a nursing home that sounded almost identical to the one that coincidentally enough started
almost identical to the one that baz mentioned that he was calling from so he was thinking oh
it's my mother-in-law you know they got the wrong name uh she's you know they've we've had trouble
with her before. Anyway, so let me continue
playing this. I think it is. I think you're
lying. Huh? I think you're
lying. You think I'm lying?
Yes. I think you've got the wrong
person, bud. I don't think so.
I know you do.
You can talk to my attorney, Mr. Trebois.
Hi there.
I'm going to leave and end this conversation
now because you've got the wrong person.
That's a bad move to make, sir.
You need to sort this out first.
Why are you lying to my client?
Wait a minute.
Okay. Who are you now?
This is Robert Turbois. You were just speaking to my client. I am his attorney.
I'm David Staswell.
That's nice to know, but who are you looking for?
We're looking for Jack Valente.
Okay.
We know he is eating there.
Huh?
We know he is eating there, and we need to make contact with him immediately.
And we do believe that it is you, and you're playing some sort of sick game here.
I'm not playing no sick game, and I don't know who you're referring to.
so what what what time are you calling i'm not sure what the he just gave us the number yeah
said it's on uh street and yeah well this is street and i'm sitting there but then this isn't
me i don't know who you're talking to jack valente here no no valente valente well whatever
however you pronounce it i mean that's i'm not i'm not him my first name is trying to have a
mother-in-law instead of any other relatives in any other nursing home why did you answer the
the page if you're not even named jack sir i know this doesn't add up she said no we we were
listening she said jack well i'm sorry okay you know where you know where this place is you come
over here and talk to me then and then yeah i think we will i think we will you want to tell
us who you are you do maybe out in the parking lot i think you could even hear me laughing i
think i heard myself laughing i was trying to play along with everyone else was laughing in
the diner everyone could hear it so so i said well let me laugh what the heck i kept a pretty
good straight face though but i did almost lose it anyway where i lost it actually now that i think
the there's a second call i'll play it later but during the second call a glory hole was mentioned
to the waitress and when the waitress hung up she said out loud what's a glory hole that's where i
I almost lost my shit.
I almost lost it.
I'm going to start doing this
because he already knows where I live,
so it's not like I'm doxing myself
if I give him every establishment in town.
There you go.
That was fun.
Maybe next Sunday I'll do that. I'll stop there again
in the morning and we can prank it.
Okay. I lost food.
What's a glory hole? Oh, shit.
Fuck. I'll just drink it.
Alright. I want to call that Super 8
it again we're no that we're nobody we know works not at all not at all i keep getting calls from
that area code uh different numbers they're calling for that area code where i ordered all
that food for that church i'm a little concerned we do have voicemail also here that we can play
let me uh let me get to that voicemail first kids all right a second jose congrats on your ged i
said some kind of harsh things last week i was just joking around no that's right dude i heard
the replay i was like i sound like a dick and no it's it's good that you got that man congrats
bro i'm happy for you buddy now on what to study like what should i begin or something just to
some college credits right now all right i i would highly recommend that you um go to a community
college first you know yeah don't don't jump into anything but do i do i have to take my act test too
i don't know i don't think they really care about act and sat anymore because you can get
in a community college with anything you just have to take like an extra semester of like remedial
classes like it's like a high school level algebra and a high school level reading and if you pass
that they usually like skip you right through to you know english comp one and all that yeah if
you don't have the test scores you can still get in but you end up having to prove yourself in a
class before they let you move up to college level courses that's for what i'm again i don't know
know because i i met my requirements like six seven eight years ago and i've i've never had
to worry about english and whatnot for a while i hate that fucking shit man i love history though
like my my dream would be to would be to be a history professor that's like the most chill job
fucking history professor just get out there and talk about history and grade some papers and make
them write one paper that they have to turn in by the end of the semester that's it it sounds like
like a great job it sounds fun i i guess because i i'm used to like with madhouse i'm used to kind
of you know talking and stuff i don't know but it's talking in public is different anyway here's
that voicemail i'm blah blahing hi this is barb from burrito joe's and i was just calling confirmed
um delivery order for the three burritos if you can give me a holler back i'll send my employees
right over thank you bye i don't know sounds like a trap maybe they went there and they got refused
and something.
Why is she trying to confirm it?
I'll call her.
Fuck it.
Fuck it.
We're in this deep already.
The fat is in the fire,
as I like to say.
So, Lux,
are you going to take the GED yourself
or is it a different test
you got to take
for being homeschooled?
Well,
I don't plan to be homeschooling
all the way out of high school.
I'm probably going to graduate
in the school
in the senior year.
We are just speaking.
May I help you?
Hey, Barb,
you were calling back
about the delivery order.
What happened?
Mm-hmm.
Why?
Are you mad at me or something?
What's that?
Is there a problem?
With what?
With the order.
I'm here grading some papers.
What happened?
Are you sitting there waiting for food?
Well, you said we talked about a delivery.
What happened?
Nothing happened.
You called and ordered food, and you are not there to receive the food.
I told you to give her the crystal.
Yeah, I know.
And she said, you guys are pranking.
No, no, no.
There's also a mark there.
She's upset.
That's why we're ordering food for her, because she's upset.
set well you might need to send mark on over and pay for the food and but you made it you made it
already i mean i did it and delivered it and got it sent back to me and crystal said some crap about
it being a joke uh not her either not just her who else did mark say that i don't know i don't
know who people are over there mark's an a-hole you know not necessarily he says they did that
on purpose because i'm trying to do something good and i caught them saying that they were
too good for my money and all the stuff they were saying so i got into a fight with crystal
That felt bad, so I said I was going to give her the money to pay, and she got mad at me.
Did she have the money?
Did you see it on her desk, the cash that I gave her?
No, I have no idea.
She probably put it in her big, fat purse.
So why don't you just come over and get the food and take a bed and give her the food then?
I'm going to bring her with me and have her apologize to me in front of you guys.
Okay.
All right?
I'm sorry that this happened, but I'm really hungry.
I'm diabetic.
My sugar's low and everything.
Well, it's sitting here, so.
So they were all upset.
I want to know what they said, because I'm going to tell this to the pastor.
What did they say exactly?
I don't know.
Lisa delivered it, but they said something about not another order,
and I guess Skyline just also tried to deliver there, and the same thing happened.
Yeah, because they like Skyline, and I like you guys, so that's why.
Oh, my God.
All right, fine.
It's good.
There's going to be a big argument here at first, though, but I'll be down there,
because I've got to cool off.
Okay.
All right, bye.
All right, bye.
bye he said oh not another order holy shit okay hey carlito hey i might be going to denny's pretty
soon oh good good all right good which denny's uh the one next to me well hey send me the number
we'll do that thing try to get seated close to the phone you know the front you know what i'm
talking about the phone of the front where they answer the phone you know for orders try to get
there and then give me the number and we'll call it it'd be funny you give us a reaction we could
can do this all over again no more voicemails yet that was at one place i don't know if they've
churches received one or two orders then so far we know at least two of the three have delivered
one of them was paid for the other one was sent away after a little bit of drama occurred and
that leaves the uh sandwich which is still uh unconfirmed what the status of the sandwich is
but i'm sure we'll find out we can call the sandwich place first get their take on it you
You know how churches are so full of gossip?
Oh, they're so gossipy.
And they're liars and sinners.
That's what I'm like, I'm going to tell the pastor.
Here we go.
Sandwich machine.
Jose disconnected.
Didn't give me the number.
I'm calling off Sycamore.
I called about a sandwich delivery.
Okay, sandwich was delivered over to the cathedral.
Yeah.
And when it got there, no one knew anything.
You see, they're really rude.
I'm going to tell the pastor about this because I got into a fight with Kristen.
I'm going to ask if you can just, like, not out here for a delivery, if it's for one sandwich anyway.
Yeah, because that's, yeah, I know.
That's not fair for you guys.
And I'm sorry.
I'm going to make that Crystal, I don't know if you're the one that came,
but she told someone who came to deliver my sandwich that, no, she said on purpose,
joking around that they didn't know what it was about.
I was in the rectory.
I was filing the choir books and stuff like that and the expense reports.
Okay.
Well, I got into a big fight and everything.
I threw candles and I broke a cross and everything.
I got so mad at them.
It sounds funny.
Well, I'll put it like this because right now I'm not taking you serious.
Could you call back Q?
Okay.
April Fools.
I broke a cross, guys.
Holy shit, I lost my shit there.
She wasn't taking you serious.
No, at that point.
At that point, no, she wasn't.
So now we know.
The sandwich was turned away also.
sad story
one man
Carlito
trying to do
something good
for Crystal
one person
with free food
I'd be willing
to take donations
one day
like you know
like if I pranked
a business
really bad
and if we get
enough donations
like actually
just make them
an order for
something for a pizza
but actually pay for it
you know
like here we're sorry
you know
we couldn't complain
we were paying for it
pay with
a prepaid visa card
or something
yeah
I think Bill Gates
should go into
to prank calls for real
so that every time
he does stuff, he actually pays for it.
Yeah, he'll give you a year's worth of
canned goods.
There's so many pranks that can be so great
if you're rich enough to do them.
It's like sending bicycles
to your neighbor's house a year,
like two a day.
No money to just do that.
Like Amazon bicycles?
Buy them on Amazon or something?
Yes.
Okay.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
400 bulls a week.
Do you know where Jose Watani lives in so we can prank the fucking Denny's?
And I'm going to ask for Jose because he didn't tell me the number.
All right.
Let me call the altar bridal consignment.
I guess this is a place for people to sell used bridal gowns.
Pass them on.
Three fucking burritos I was counting on.
Now I don't have any.
Thanks for calling the altar bridal consignment.
Bullshit.
All right.
Moving right along.
Here is a different church.
This is the Glad Tidings Church prayer line, where according to Psalm 9115, it says,
Call on me and I will answer.
Beautiful.
All right.
Let me...
I hope they don't answer for irony purposes.
You know, right?
When I really need them.
I'm going to tell them I'm in trouble for phone harassment.
I need prayer.
Eight, nine, five.
Thank you for calling Shiana Aguilera.
Your call has been forwarded to the voicemail for Shiana Aguilera.
No one is available...
Aguilala?
Shiana Aguila? Is that what they're trying to say?
Thank you for calling the Gladheadings prayer line.
Your call is very important to us.
Please wait for the next available prayer partner.
Jose gave me the number. I'm asking if he's there already.
Thank you for calling Shiana Aguila.
Your call has been forwarded to the voicemail for Shiana Aguila.
Okay. Jose reports he's there.
That's bullshit. You know, I really need prayer and she's not answering.
They should change that call upon us and we will help you around.
call upon us and we will force you to go to voicemail thank you for calling hey how are you
big girl good who's this i'm ducking from the police this is arlo how are you good good beautiful
do you want do you want to speak to my manager do i want to speak to your manager yeah why
why would you ask that i don't know oh you just thought you asked that like really quick
did i do something no oh okay can you ask for jose jose yeah hold on one second
Good, I hope they find out.
Please don't do anything that can make me get kicked out, says Jose.
Okay, I just give out your name.
How about that?
What a dickhead I am.
I deserve to get arrested by the police now.
Thank you for calling in.
He's with us.
Do you have to go with him?
Yeah.
Did you want to speak to Jose?
Well, no, I don't want to bother him.
He's right here.
Hold on one second.
You hung up already.
Hello?
Hello?
Hey, how are you?
Who's this?
This is Cross.
Who?
Cross.
I don't know who you...
Is this Jose that works there?
Hello?
Yeah.
Yeah, because they hung up on me.
So who's this?
Oh, my name is Cross.
Cross LaMigra?
Yeah, so?
Yeah, I'm with LaMigra.
So what's up?
I'm coming to check to see if you have your papers.
I'm coming in to check for your papers.
Do you have them with you?
Yeah.
Do you have all of them?
What all of them?
What do you mean?
I need to see your papers to make sure you're supposed to be here working.
We got a report that you're an illegal, undocumented citizen.
Are you kidding me?
No, no.
We got a report you're an undocumented citizen.
Okay, so come in.
You come in.
You're more than welcome to come in.
But do you have the stupid papers is what I'm asking you.
Oh, do you have to be rude?
Well, because I've asked you several times.
You come in anytime.
I'm here.
Yes, come in.
All right.
Well, do you have your social security card with you?
Yes.
Okay.
Do you have green card or no?
Yes.
Where were you born?
Look, man, just come in and I'll talk to you when you're here.
I'm busy right now.
I have here that you were born in the state of Jalisco.
Is that right?
Okay.
So there's a Jose that works there.
That's funny.
What a coincidence.
Let's ask Jose for a report.
Jose, report.
Wait to see if we get a response from Jose as to what happened.
It'd be nice if he Skyped us.
Does he have a smartphone?
Does he have Skype on his phone?
He could have joined us, little shit.
Okay, move right along.
Jose says nothing really happened.
The cook got mad and left.
Okay, great.
Right. Well, that was hilarious, then.
If you know your party's extension, you may dial it at any time.
Thanks for calling the Colorado School of Trades,
teaching the artisan craft of gunsmithing for over 60 years,
as well as providing gunsmithing services for the public.
Prompt will get you to the right department in less than half a minute.
Admissions, 4-5. Firearms repair, 1-0.
School of Trades, this is Evans.
Hey, how are you doing, honey baby?
Yes, hi honey. I wanted to see about coming in, getting some classes.
Okay, so this is admissions, right?
This is.
Little monkey.
I was calling to get information about applying to come to the school.
How much I got to pay?
Are you scammers?
Hello?
Me, sir.
How much I got to pay?
What's the tuition?
The tuition at this school is $19,800 for tools, books, and materials,
including for a bolt-action rifle, including two stocks.
It's a clean?
Is it a clean bolt-action rifle?
A clean bolt-action rifle?
Yeah.
I don't know what you mean by a clean bolt-action rifle.
Like it's clean, you know, it's a clean weapon.
It's got clean serial numbers on it.
Yes, sir, of course it does.
Good, good, good.
The correct ones, right?
And all that, I can get them appraised and all that?
If that's something you're into.
Okay.
Will you guys show me how to make ammunition?
We will not.
You don't teach that.
Do you teach sharpshooter manship?
we go ballistics um and we do have a rifle and pistol club that you could join when you when
you're in the in the program will you show me how to twirl the gun in my right hand and then put it
right in the gun holster like robocop oh man you're funny well do you guys teach that in the
class is there classes like cool gun when you think of gunsmithing is that something you you
envision well cool gun handling yeah i was hoping that was a class also do you teach how to use the
the gun holding it sideways a pistol holding it sideways also do you teach like how best to
holster the oh man i had a good idea that's i like that the robocop move they should teach that
fuckers it's hard to do i would like to learn that i used to try it with a water gun when i
was a kid and it never worked i was getting water all over and it wouldn't probably because it had
water in it now that i think about it yeah okay here's the first church of christ scientist
Scientist.
Okay.
That's a weird name.
Cool.
Lux, do you go to services?
Are you an atheist?
What's your family like?
Christian for the most part.
I just don't go to church and stuff.
Awesome.
Very good.
So.
Good.
Good afternoon, Christian Sanfrancino.
Hey, God bless you, honey baby.
Hello.
Huh?
God bless you, honey.
God bless you, honey baby, sweetheart.
God bless you.
Okay.
Well, is there something I can do to help you?
Yeah.
Yeah, I was calling to get some information about, do you have a reading room where I
can get information?
Yes, I'm in the reading room now.
I'm the attendant today.
I'm in the pissing room.
Can
I take books out, or am I only allowed to read them there?
You're allowed to take them out.
Okay.
How many bathrooms do you have that I can use?
I guess not.
So you have none?
I need to hang up now, okay?
Why?
Why?
She needs to hang up now.
Can you hear that, Lux, all right, the pissing?
Does it come through?
Yeah, no, that was clear.
It was great.
What about the echo?
Does it sound like I'm in a toilet?
A little bit.
does it sound bad is it hard to understand it sounds more like a waterfall okay but okay like
those ones at mexican restaurants yeah throw the coin in yeah yes yes yes i understand what you're
talking about thank you all right um i need to go now that's kind of creepy all right here's a n
N-I-N-N.
That's what it is.
Do, do, do, do, do.
Let's make a nonsense order for food.
You like those locks when I say I want eggs with heat and that stupid?
Yes, I do.
Good.
Hey, how are you, honey?
I'm good.
How about you?
I'm good.
I wanted to make an order.
Ever.
What?
What do you mean?
An order for what?
One meat.
One meat.
One.
Okay.
Yeah.
One beef curtains.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Do you have beef curtains?
have you pranked her before
no I think it hit her
it took a second
for beef curtains to register
when she did she hung up that's funny
but I mean like the initial
whatever lol
it's like she recognized your voice
or something either that or
I don't know I think they don't have food at all
I think it's just drinks that's why
I'm looking at the street view of it and it looks like
it's a bar I don't think they have any
food that's why she was laughing
and one meat.
Yeah.
Okay.
I was going to say
something really weird
to her that I know.
A fun fact I learned
last week.
But we didn't get
that far.
Unfortunately.
But let's call
the Trails End
and I'll tell them
there's a tire store
but for some reason
like the people
at tire stores
don't have a sense
of humor.
They're like
whenever I call them
they're like
okay thanks
I gotta go bye.
They don't laugh.
They don't
sometimes they chuckle.
That's it.
Jerks.
Yeah.
I guess this is
a shitty job.
Thank you for calling
the Trails End Motel.
Now, if you know the three-digit extension number of the room, dial it now.
For example, room 1 is 101, room 20 is 120.
All right, let's try.
Hello?
Yes, hi, is this room 20?
Yes.
Okay, what are you doing in there? What's all the noise?
What noise?
You're making a bunch of stupid noise.
I'm calling from the front desk, and we got a lot of complaints about you.
I'm not making no noise.
Okay, listen, this is supposed to be a whites-only room anyway.
A what?
White's only room.
We need to move you down to room 10 or below.
What did you just say?
White's only.
This is the white's only part of the hotel, of the motel.
It's the white's only rooms.
So we're going to have to actually get it disinfected and everything.
Where's the manager at?
I mean, he doesn't usually talk on the phone.
Oh, okay.
I'll be down there in a minute.
For what?
Bring your stuff.
Put your stuff up and then bring your key.
We have to swap out keys.
We're going to put you in room 7 probably.
I think that's clean and open already.
Where's that at?
That's a colored room.
Room 7?
Oh, boy.
That's a colored room.
What did you say?
Maybe she ran down there already.
What did you say?
Thank you for calling the Trails End Motel.
Come on.
If you know the three things...
She picked up real quick, too.
Wow.
No one in this room.
You should save this one, guys.
Lux and spread it around.
Seems like a fun hotel.
Motel.
thank you for calling
hey how you doing my boy
hello
hey my boy how you doing
I'm good how are you
I'm calling from the front desk
listen we have an issue with room 120
she says that you're making a lot of noise
she says that there was a man in this room
that was looking over and masturbating
last night
you know the girl in 120 next door
you know her
in 120 no
she's right next to you
I don't know the girl in 120
You don't know, yeah, but she says that you were probably staring at her and looking at her in her panties and stuff.
Don't do that, okay?
Don't be dirty.
Okay, so I also want to let you know, you're in a room that's for white people only, but I'm not making a big deal about it.
You understand what I mean?
Hey, hey, hey, if you're not watching the TV, turn it off, okay?
Because that uses electricity, okay?
Okay, good, yeah.
All right, then whatever.
You just stay there.
there let's stay there and listen i'm gonna call the tires place that's around the corner okay
buddy finally hung up anyway as i said the tire place where they have a poor sense of humor here
we go here we go may i help you how you doing boy what's up hey i want to know how many tires does
it take to i got like this boat that i'm trying to burn how many tires would it take for me to
put around and get a nice good fire going around enough to burn the boat down nice and as down
down to ash as much as possible this doesn't sound like a serious question no it is no it is
i got all the ones i got are 195 65 uh size ones you think maybe like five or six it's a small
fucking cocksucking boats piece of shit i don't want any part of it it's my property i'm just
burning it for the insurance you know i know i don't want any part i never use a fucking
cocksucking boat i know i know but i don't want to be involved do you think like five if if it's
five... I don't know.
Hit the number on the phone pad.
Oh,
boy. Yeah.
I've done a lot of bad things. Now I'm
getting in for insurance fraud.
I started out saying I was burglaring
a house, and I was in the garage
talking to that one lady.
The cop's talking to me. You're almost as bad
as Jai Head. God.
I know, right? When he's talking about head-butting
and punching girls in the gut
on Black Friday.
Shit. I did this crime,
It's like, okay.
See, I'm not innocent either, but I don't do it a lot.
Like the racism thing, you got to tone it down.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Because it alienates listeners.
We don't have a lot of listeners who don't fit the mold.
Sounds horrible.
We don't get a lot of minority listeners.
I know we have them here and there, but not like there could be.
I don't know why that is.
Oh, look, there's a vaping place.
All right.
Vapor Leaf.
I think the demographic is pretty low.
Yeah, probably.
I don't think we have one Indian deal.
No, I think we do.
I think we do.
And now Bancho.
There's another dude that I've talked to that's Indian.
When we got the Turkish guy, he knows Turkish because he was translating the Turkish horse.
Who left voicemails last week?
Pissed off.
New voicemails from the Turkish horse.
Hello, please state your name after the tone and Google Voice will try to reach.
Release the call.
Mike Tucker.
Saferleaf.com.
This is Crystal.
How may I help you?
Hey, this is Mike.
How are you, Crystal?
Good.
How are you?
oh good honey that's good that's that's funny that um what'd you say what is you said again
crystal is your name right krista krista crystal i was talking to a crystal earlier
somewhere else um no that's me my name is krista oh i was no yeah i was talking to a crystal who
lives somewhere else oh she's a black crystal she's a black you don't know her uh no that must
have been a different shop okay yeah so you guys got um the e liquids there you got um let me think
here what do you got what flavors you got i want something that you know makes it nice and horny
you have like pomegranate i don't all of our flavors are listed online under the vapor leaf
usa i don't have over 50 different flavors i'm not allowed to use internet because of a court
order judge order said i'm not allowed to use social media so i'm not allowed to have okay
yeah i'm not allowed to have as far as i know none of our e-juices are going to make you horny
okay do you have a um oyster one i do not do you have tiger penis i'm gonna go ahead and end our
conversation okay that's an aphrodisiac tiger penis you know right yeah we don't care anything
like that i'm gonna go ahead and end our phone call you have a great day okay okay honey have
a good one bye-bye that was hot how she said horny you heard she said it was fucking hot man
i was trying to get her to say dirty words oh that's not good i really like the way she said
Anyway, okay, so here's a place called Let It Ride.
You know what I mean?
I don't know what the fuck it is.
I'm going to ask if they have Let It Ride-style casino poker.
And then I'll try to call that feminist bookstore again,
see if they've settled down a little bit.
Good morning, Let It Ride.
This is Kevin.
Hey, how you doing, boy?
Good, how's it going?
Do you have a woman there who can iron my shirt?
I'm sorry?
Do you have a woman there who can iron my shirt?
A woman that can what your shirt?
Iron it.
Iron it?
No, I sure don't.
You have a woman.
You can put a woman on the phone, I hear, back there.
I haven't had...
A little background noise.
I didn't get that either.
The woman, the woman that's back there.
Put her on, and I'm supposed to talk to her.
It's prearranged.
Okay, I don't have any woman here today.
It's just me and Robbie.
I command...
Put Robbie on the phone.
I command you.
Okay, hold on one sec.
Okay.
The process of selling a helmet right now,
why don't you shoot me your name and number,
and I'll give you a call back.
He's selling a helmet?
Yeah.
What kind?
With a customer.
Like a purple helmet?
I'm not sure what helmet it is.
Is it an ice one?
Shoot me a name and number, and I'll have him give you a call as soon as he's done.
I don't know.
How long do you think it'll be?
A couple minutes, three or four minutes.
Three or four?
Yeah, it'll be a few.
Like I say, he's in the middle of fitting a helmet.
Okay, I'll wait, but let me know what's going on.
Is it a man customer or a female customer?
He's with a man.
It's two men together like that, like they're together together, you think?
No, no, he's just selling a helmet to a customer.
Okay, that's nice.
Is he explaining it to him?
Yeah, yeah. Can you shoot me a name and number, and I'll have him give you a call as soon as he's done?
I don't know what number calls out from the call center here.
I don't know. It could come up like four different ones.
Okay. Do you want to try back in about ten minutes or so and shoot me a name, and I'll let him know who's going to call?
You said about four or five. This is Eric Wright.
Eric Wright. Okay.
Yeah. My friends call me.
Yeah, give him a call. As soon as he, I mean, he's going to be a few minutes here, I can tell you that.
So, but if you want to just try back in a few minutes.
I guess, alright, this is horrible
I'm gonna go, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna go take a piss
Okay
And then I'll come back, I'm gonna use the bathroom
I'll wash my hands and maybe I'll refill my water
Okay, does that sound good?
Okay, no problem
I'll take a break, I'll take a break
I'll play the rest of those calls
The one from last New Year's
And then I'll play the second one from the diner
Okay
I'll play those tracks real quick for everyone to hear
And then I'll call back, what was his name, Robbie, right?
Yeah
Alright buddy, hey thanks, we figured it out
Okay, no problem
Alright, see you later
All right, that's what we'll do.
This is Women and Children First.
How may I help you?
Hello.
Hello, yes.
I'd like to see if you have a certain title in before I come in and try to get it.
Give me one moment.
Okay.
And we're waiting a long time for the slow woman who doesn't know how to use a computer.
I call back.
This is Women and Children First.
How may I help you?
Yeah, I was just calling about seeing if a certain title was in,
and then the lady, like, put me on hold for a long time.
What title are you looking for?
It's called Woman Belongs in the Kitchen.
Who's the author?
Lux Whitney, yeah.
Lux Whitney?
Yeah, and it's called Woman Belongs in the Kitchen.
I have a few of them that I'm looking for my wife.
Oh, okay, so give me all the titles then at once.
Woman Belongs in the Kitchen by Lux Whitney.
Okay.
Okay.
uh don't talk back to me woman by raymond trina that one's damon should we we're gonna have to
get another copy if you look at the bottom of it are you there because you're not listening
and who is the author of that book uh the last one trina raymond trina raymond trina okay
the next title uh i got a few more only here let me see iron my shirt woman that's by lisa
Lisa Cinders, Lisa Cinders.
Practice personalization.
All right, and the next one?
Okay, the next.
Let's see, I can barely.
This one is Daniel and Cindy Have an Orgasm by Trevor Johnson.
Trevor Johnson?
Yeah.
And so you're looking for these four titles?
And there's one last one by Teresa Nix.
Teresa Nix?
Yeah, and she says, my boyfriend beats me up, and then, colon, I love it.
My boyfriend beats me up, colon, and I love it.
All right, give me one second.
Okay.
Well, it's going to be longer than a second because I have five titles to go, so I'm going to put you on hold.
All right, honey.
All right.
Yeah.
We're still waiting for her to check those titles, for Honey Baby to look up those titles.
My boyfriend hits me, and I love it.
Jesus Christ.
I love it
what a fucking asshole I am
Nunu what's wrong with these numbers
I'm copy pasting them they don't work
Nunu tell me
let me switch to the UK
shouldn't have to but I'll try it
we definitely don't have any of these titles in stock
and I'm not getting them to come up in my wholesaler either
can you tell me which ones
so I can cross them off the list then
all of them
I don't remember 100% which ones I told you
so give me one moment
there's another call damn another call hello mom hey woman how are you hi there good i want to make
an order for right okay what would you like uh one rice rice a plain rice bob plow rice yeah with
with uh heat is that plain rice yeah right okay okay one meat one meat one meat meat yeah
Yeah.
What dish?
What meat dish?
Hot cooked meat.
I can't speak to my colleague because I can't really understand.
You're pretty stupid.
You're pretty stupid.
Just a second.
Hold on a minute, please.
Give me a second, please.
Why do you have stupid woman there?
One second, please.
You have stupid woman.
Hello, feminist.
Meat under wheat, says Snappy Horse.
Okay.
I like Green's book title.
I got my black eye from a doorknob.
It sounds like the title of one of those TLC movies.
Or what's the channel about the women?
The channel with all the women stuff on it.
Hello?
Yeah, hey, boy.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
How can I help?
Yeah, you have a stupid woman there, right?
What would you like, please?
Yeah, that's a fucking stupid woman, first of all.
I want to order one rice, plain rice.
You want one chicken?
Chicken, what did you say?
What?
What did you say?
You want one pro rice?
One rice.
Yeah.
All right, one meat.
One rice and what else?
Meat.
Meat?
Yeah.
One lamb, yeah?
No, meat, meat.
Meat, you want meat, ghost?
Well, whatever meat, what meat you have.
Yeah, we already do lamb.
Do you have sister?
Mild, medium, hot.
Do you have sister?
Sorry?
Sister?
How would you like a mild, medium, hot, instant rice?
Mild, medium, hot.
Yeah.
Can I have a little bit of all three?
Sorry?
Can I have some of all three?
Yeah, what did you say?
Can you mix it?
Mild, medium, hot together?
Can you mix that?
No, no, no.
I want it strength-wise.
You want it hot in chili?
You want hot in mild or medium?
Mix it up.
Mix up, yeah.
Well, what do you want?
A little bit of everything.
Sorry?
You know, put some medium, some mild.
No, it's going to be meat, but you want chili song or chili rest?
Whatever you got.
I don't know.
I don't understand your language or your stupid food.
Sorry, I can't take your order.
I don't know what to mix in.
Piece of shit.
Damn them.
The feminist hung up.
She must have heard part of that.
then just like ooh
Jesus Christ
all I got left in the room
feminist bookstore
in New York City
where we called earlier
called the woman Honey Baby
as I explained
and she got upset
and hung up
and all that stuff
she went
like that
she went
she laughed at me
alright let me change
the country to
fucking
the USA
I wonder what
Jose is eating
at Denny's
what would I eat
I don't know
a rooty tooty
fresh and fruity
that's not at Denny's
that's at IHOP
I think
I think I'm walking
I'm off.
I'm off base.
Stockings.
Hey, how are you?
Okay, how are you?
I wanted to see if you have a certain title.
Well, I've got a few that I'm trying to get for my wife.
Okay.
Give me one second.
All right, honey.
Okay.
Which is easier, title or author?
I give you, well, title probably.
I don't have the authors, really.
Okay.
So what's the first one?
I just got to go.
It's only some of them that I'm getting off this list.
Okay.
This one here is, I got my black eye from a doorknob.
Hello?
Yeah.
Oh, sorry.
It just made a strange sound.
I...
Uh, no, we don't seem to have that one.
Okay, I got Iron My Shirt Woman.
Uh, no, don't have that one either.
Make Me a Damn Sandwich.
No, don't think we have that one either.
All right, Get Me Another Beer, dot, dot, dot.
That's it.
Oh, don't have that one either, sorry.
Stupid Little Lady.
Nope.
Son of Owl.
Uh, Pussy Control by Prince.
No, sorry.
Penis Envy by Chaz Bono.
Nope.
uh i want you to uh i don't know how to spell that part okay manager not wool manager how to
hit a feminist hey rub your face in your mess really books yeah i got a whole list of them
okay i'm feeling that we're not gonna have any on your list i'm sorry uh fucking bitch ass stupid
woman yeah no i'm hanging out right now women should not vote okay are your ovaries bruised
Good one, Colin.
I miss that.
And you can hide your wife's bruises, says Nigger Black.
I don't know if that was a book title or not.
Or your ovaries bruised.
She did a lot of them, right?
She's kind of duh.
She seems like Charlotte from Sex and the City.
I think that was her.
They based that character against that woman who used her.
I'm sorry.
The person you are trying to reach has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet.
Well, shit.
Recalling.
Blah, blah, blah.
blog. Okay, no answer from Mr. Alex there.
Going to the next request to prank
as I wrap up today's show.
Here we are looking at a request to
prank that came in from Mr. Billman.
Billman or Billman. He recommends
any church. Asked him if they will
help me with a petition to bring slavery
back. Jesus Christ.
I have to live the life the Bible tells me to live.
Good point.
But I respectfully pass. Sorry.
RBCP's nemesis sins in a number.
However, I cannot call it.
Fortunately, I cannot call it.
Well, then that's the end of the show.
Look, here's as far as we got.
I hope you all have a great day, a great New Year's.
Be safe.
Keep listening to Madhouse Radio here at madhouselive.com,
the PLA stream at phonelosers.org,
and, of course, Blue Planet Prank Radio at blueplanetprankradio.com.
Thank you to Brad Carter, RVCP, whatever he wants to call himself,
and Big Ted Webb, who run both of those sites respectively,
Respectively and their related shoutcast prank call networks.
I will catch you here next week.
What are the dates next week?
Do I start my new shift next week?
I do.
Hey, look at that.
So next week I will be starting my new shift.
I'll be at day shift.
So I'll be able to go back to doing Thursday night shows regularly again, at least for a year.
I'll have this schedule.
So Madhouse is back to Thursday night starting next week.
We'll be starting the new year back on our normal schedule.
Thank God.
I'll no longer be a fucking vampire, awake at night, sleeping during the day.
All right, kids, y'all have a great one. Bye.
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