The Motherfucker Show

And now, another message from our founder and president, Mr. Ken.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, all of you idiots.

You rubes. You suckers. You employees of God.

How much more stupid, how loathsome and dense, how execrably gullible.

You little monkey.

You bastard.

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

You're still here. Shouldn't you be up at work by now?

Come on. Get up.

there ain't no grave can hold my body down there ain't no grave can hold my body down

when i hear that trumpet sound i'm gonna rise right out of the ground ain't no grave can hold

my body down well look way down the river what do you think i see i see a band of angels and

And they're coming after me.

Ain't no grave can hold my body down.

I don't have numbers.

Hey, it's Carlito.

I'm gone.

Well, look down yonder, Gabriel.

Fucking hearing things.

Put your feet on the landing seat.

But, Gabriel, don't you blow your trumpet.

Anyway.

Hey, guys.

Tell you here for me.

There ain't no grave can hold my body down.

Thanks for being there tonight as I go on.

On a computer machine, radio machine.

Ain't no grave can hold my body down.

I need to look for numbers here.

I don't have anything.

I have a few that came in, I think.

One in particular from Nova Machine.

I think he's placing ads or something like that in the Craigslist machine.

Look around for that.

See if I can locate those numbers.

Oh, here they are.

I got them.

What else I got?

I got some request a prank, too.

Request a prank.

Is that plural?

Request a prank?

I think that's what I'll...

I deem that to be plural version of Request a Prank.

No S at the end.

There's quite a few numbers here, actually.

I know I sent a month worth of Request a Prank to Sloth last week.

But here we go.

Okay, cool.

I've got some numbers we can call.

All right.

So there's an ad here.

uh placed by nova i believe yes he made a for a free nintendo 64 and n64 remember that guys

was not a piece of shit console that was dead at birth uh not as bad as gamecube was uh so there's

a few people that were replied wanting the n64 someone for two daughters ages 15 and 6 they don't

want to play that you're gonna give fuck wow exactly all right well we'll give them shit you

know let's give those people shit now that's sabrina who has a 15 year old and a six year old

and is begging for the free nintendo 64 i'd be so pissed off all right so let's do the math

n64 came out in 97 96 it came off in the fall in 96 and it's 2014 holy shit so that oh my god i'm

i'm so old that was my senior year of high school that was 18 years ago am i doing the math right

yeah because 14 and 18 years ago well not even all right let's say 17 because it's february still

all right i'll give you 17 years so what would be a 17 year old system in 90 97 96 let's say

would have been like an atari 2600 that would have been so pissed off if my mom's like here

wow great thanks for the atari 2600 in 1997 so i'm just saying not a five-year-old stupid it's

a stupid baby it has stupid baby uh syndrome we have a fund going around for that i'm told

i don't know why that happened that cause got taken up here in my house i hear there's a story

about it that i was on vacation yeah funky boss funky boss all right so this is with two controllers

A copy of Conker's Bad Fur Day.

Awesome game.

I recommend you get an emulator and play that.

There's an Xbox version, too,

but I guess it'd be easy to get the emulation going

for the N64 version of that.

It's hard as fuck.

Even on the easy settings, that game was hard as fuck.

I never beat it in real life, although I played it a lot.

I kept renting it and renting it for free

because I worked at a grocery store lobby counter in the front,

and we rented out videotapes and nintendo 64 games and whatnot so at the end of the day if

no one took it i would just take it out for the night it was cool because you could save to the

you didn't have to save to the cartridge anymore you could save onto the memory card so anyway

blah blah blah also golden eye uh legend of zelda ocarina of time majora's mask and banjo

3e revenge of king jiggy is that real pokemon snap well he's got all the fucking good games on there

every single good one except for mario 64 anyway blah blah blah guys right how about i just fucking

do the call already and just stop not sitting here like a shit like a big shit not doing the

prank calls let's hope that everything works i don't know it took me a long time to came on

because i forgot how to log in everything is that the brina hi the brina i put an ad for a

nintendo 64 with a few games there uh for free and i was gonna give it to someone and i went

over to their house and they were beating their um their dog so i said absolutely not i would

like to give it to you instead i'm sorry for calling you so late hello sabrina come on your

call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system hey man you really bother you're

really bumming me out man i try to call a few people in new york about this free n64 machine

and you don't answer

and it's wasting my time

and everyone else who's listening.

So if you people wouldn't mind getting out of your ass,

it says city that never sleeps,

motherfucker.

To replay your message, press 1.

To continue recording, press 2.

To delete, we record your message.

Hey man, you're really bothering me.

You're really throwing me out.

I tried to call a few people in New York

about this free info.

Your message has been sent.

Thank you for your...

There you go.

it yeah music in the background and everything white people rap music white people jews rapping

beautiful thing lonesome loser here that's another beautiful thing david is uh he's got for sale

16 inch chain of saw and a mary jane threadmill plain jane not electric whatever that means 25

dollar sorry let's give let me calm down let's give him a call big david here has got a chain

a saw and a log splitter a lawnmower chainsaw and a log splitter i want to hear that prank we'll play

it because uh i don't abide by copyright problems anymore because i'm not doing video on youtube now

and i hope i never do again fucking youtube oh my god oh my god oh my god you are there is that

david let's see you got a chain of saw how many horses on that motherfucker how many horses on

that motherfucker you don't know how many horses in that motherfucker all right and what what kind

of engines on that motherfucker what are you talking about on the mother the fucking chain

assault how many horses well you don't know how many horses uh what's the state state uh

all right what kind of fuel you put in that motherfucker you put you mix it with the oil

and the shit yeah and that motherfucker it cuts pretty good how many times you use that

that motherfucking shit fuck you don't be like that that was stupid and childish but funny just

to say motherfucker it feels good i love saying motherfucker and shit damn it and fuck fucking

shit i like saying that a lot i love it i love saying it oh yeah lonesome

hey boy uh the phone cut off or something so 25 dollars right seven it says 25 here not electric

I've been looking at something else.

Motherfucker.

It's right here.

It says right here on this motherfucker, $25.

Don't be calling back.

Well, why'd you put the ad?

I have permission to call.

You put an ad.

Where'd you see it, Andrew?

It says, for sale, like new, popular, and 16-inch chain of saw.

Oh, then what's $25?

Oh, wait.

What's that motherfucking shit?

You work out on it.

A thread fucking mill, like you fucking sit on it?

Yeah.

And what's it do?

It puts the thing up your fucking ass?

How's it work?

Yeah, is that what you do?

You sit down and you put it in your fucking ass?

Hey, don't be a callback, all right?

It goes in your fucking ass?

Do you have an anal orgasm ever?

Are you having one?

Did you have one ever?

Did you have one ever, an anal orgasm?

Yep.

All right, continuing.

Let's see what loans I'm sent here on the machine, guys.

Let's play music.

Also music.

What the hell is this explanation?

nation sultan of brunei is a house on bacala what known most for his love of expensive cars and

luxurious jets and there's a supposedly the people of the country love their sultan it is frowned

upon to insult the sultan and the royal family so he's thinking it might be interesting to get

numbers in the country of brunei brunei where is that sounds specific pacific to me is what it

sounds like so no numbers yet from that gentleman but he is working on them i suppose very good

all right we gotta see what a ceiling five foot tall quarter operated gumball machine

it's been restored 250 dollars obo obo this is big bobby all right never mind hello please leave

your message for bobby look at my contacts anybody we haven't called in a long time

time with this motherfucker for that all i got is turkish kitchen and shit i don't know

do i really care for the turkish kitchen again

i also got the number at home all right i'll give the home number a try he never picks up

the home number hey is uh it's johnny there how about just say it all right hurry up okay

hurry the fuck up hey what what's going on is that johnny who picked up the phone who's that

What's she doing?

She's what? Sitting down?

Oh, what are you guys doing? Watching TV tonight?

Yeah.

Yeah, how you been, brother?

Yeah, I got some bad news today.

The doctor called me back on those tests I had last week.

Yeah, apparently I'm stupid.

No, apparently I'm all fucked up.

They said they're going to have to operate.

They think I have, there's a mass on my body.

I don't really want to tell you where, you know.

A mass?

Yeah, it's cancerous.

They said it's stage four.

Stage four?

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't think that's too serious, right?

Because it starts, where does it start at?

That's serious, dude.

That's not that serious.

What is it, the pancreas is him?

What?

What is it, the pancreas?

Yeah.

Say it, Michael.

Man, and then they, I don't know, because they were like, you know, you want to get your fares in order.

and i was i don't know what you're talking about like i don't understand what they mean by that

you know what that means is it's bad well how bad like am i gonna die oh my god you wouldn't be like

scared to death well they said something about they said six to nine months they said

yeah i kind of wasn't paying too much attention because i was trying to get them to explain right

about um what it meant like number four i was like so four out of one through four and she's

He's like, yeah.

And then I was like, so one being the lowest, and we got, like, to a back and forth.

I couldn't really understand which one was the lowest or the highest.

What did he go to the doctor at, though?

Huh?

He go to town or Nashville?

Yeah.

He go to St. Mary's?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so he says, like, six to nine.

He went there.

Six to nine.

He went there a few weeks back.

They said he had pancreas cancer, stage four.

They just told him that, I guess.

What the fuck am I going to do?

I don't know, Michael.

You need to call your dad.

Motherfucker.

Mom, too.

I mean...

They don't even know, like, I have a boyfriend and everything?

I don't know, man.

I mean, I don't...

Will you come over and maybe help me out?

I want to tell them.

I got to tell them, you know?

I just called them, Michael, really.

I mean, they're going to be upset, too, man.

I'm telling you, they're going to be, like, ecstatic.

I'm going to need support.

I don't know.

You're going to need a lot of support, dude.

I mean, that's...

I mean...

yeah there's a few things i guess i want to do before i die you know have you got a second

opinion yet i went to another doctor yeah that was the second opinion yeah that was

yeah

motherfucker huh i don't know man you're too damn young for shit like that well

i'm not too worried about it i'm sure nothing i'm sure it'll just go away i'll beat this thing

you know i'll beat this thing yeah i think i'm just gonna i'm gonna

well i'm gonna quit work i think what i'm gonna do then i got some cds that i'm gonna cash in

because i'm not gonna make it till those things get annuity i guess i cashed in those cds and i

don't know i think i was reading uh one of my friends was showing me a website where you can

You can go to Costa Rica or Dominican Republic and they have hookers and whores and stuff.

Yeah, but...

And I'm sure we're enough money.

I can have this...

But it's good you're a sergeant.

I can fuck them without a condom and anything because nothing's going to happen now, you know?

Well, I mean, it ain't too different at my head.

I mean, it's something that's just presently yours.

So I can fuck them.

And I'll be going, man.

I can fuck them.

I can fuck guys and stuff.

I don't have to worry about getting AIDS or anything.

Yeah, yeah.

What about your wife?

Well, you ain't got that.

Well, maybe, can I watch you guys, you know?

I just thought maybe it'd get a little kinky, a little sexy, horny.

Oh, Lord, man.

I'm going to take a big shit when I die.

Don't lose hope.

I mean, they got medicine.

He said, I'm going to take a big shit when I die.

He said, you're going to take, like, a big shit like that.

Well, we all do that, man.

That's the last thing we do.

Yeah.

Everybody does that to me.

Yeah.

So I'm going to do some drugs and everything.

I'm going to do all that stuff.

I'm going to tell your mom and dad first.

Well, I'll do that.

Really?

I'm going to do all.

I'm going to do that.

I'm going to have, like, several different drugs I'm going to do.

You know, hard drugs, hardcore drugs.

Damn.

I can't believe it.

Well, I'm going to cash those CDs.

I'm going to have about $120,000.

That should be enough to get through.

and i figured if i really party hard i might be able to get out you know kick the bucket six

months not with the whole nine months you know fuck this place this is bullshit i'm gonna go

down in the dominican republic down there you know and i'm gonna get with those fucking those

hookers and stuff we'll fuck without the condom on you know fuck them unprotected sex you know

because i don't care if i get anything fuck it you know yeah and i'm just gonna do a lot when i

come back i'm gonna do a lot of different drugs i'm gonna do a lot of different stuff and the one

doctor was telling me that he'll sell me like propofol and like uh nitro nitrous he said it's

like a gas he said he'll sell it to me and everything and that he can get marijuana for

me and everything he can get all that stuff for you now and anything you want you probably get

first yeah and they said morphine cocaine heroin they said that they said they're gonna be surgery

Uh, they said they can, but it's stupid, he said.

It's stupid, basically.

Yeah, stage four, yeah.

I've been drinking and driving.

I was drinking, I was doing donuts in the school parking lot and everything.

I was throwing the bottles out after I drank them out the window and they were breaking.

I unloaded like a whole 12-pack almost of empty beer bottles in our parking lot.

well have fun i mean have fun doing that because i mean i walked right i walked right in the

service they give me another um and i got the good shit too the heineken so give me

12 pack those heineken motherfuckers i said yeah and all you just today get the opinion

yeah i'm really drunk i'm gonna go back to work drunk and everything i'm gonna be there drunk

every day until they fire me or until i get the money from the cds i'm cashing whatever comes

was first i'd catch all this shit in my shoes if i had them i'd go in and catch a man you know

party you want to come party with me we're gonna have a bachelor party for me is what i want

we'll get you married then well i'll cover you go to the dominican republic with me you know

oh you ain't lying to me are you what you ain't lying to me are you no no really they said stage

four cancer machine i know right motherfucker it's fucking crazy

easy what i know i know apparently he said that you know it happens it happens it happens he said

i could eat a lot of seeds all right well uh fuck you you know fuck you

fuck you fuck you fuck my mom fuck my dad fuck everybody you need to shut the fuck up

Asshole, I'm so drunk.

You need to shut the fuck up.

Chaco, how are you, mom and dad?

Shut the fuck up.

You need to go to sleep.

You don't tell me what to do, motherfucker.

You need to go to sleep, Michael.

You need to go to hell, motherfucker.

I know.

Son of a motherfucker.

Motherfucker.

But you didn't.

What?

No, no, no, no.

Flush the toilet anymore, you know?

I'm not going to even flush the toilet anymore.

I don't even worry about that.

That's the least of your worries.

Fuck that.

flushing toilet bullshit i'm not gonna ever flush the toilet again i'll make everyone else flush it

for me how you get hell yeah motherfucker i'm a mess i'm a mess i got blood all over me my shirt

and my knuckles i don't even know how it happened i got into a fight some guy i heard about the news

and i got upset and i was at the red box machine yeah and i said hey are you the red box guy and

And the guy said no

And I said you motherfucker

Like that

And I threw an empty beer bottle

At his car

It ain't gonna be no good

To spend your time in jail man

I don't give a fuck

I'm telling you

Yeah

I'm gonna get all those

Fucking Dominican whores

And I'm gonna fuck them

And everything

It's gonna be great

Piss some more

I've been pissing in the sink

In the sink

Yeah

Alright motherfucker

Tell your mama that

Yeah I'll do that

I'll get up right on that

You got it

Yeah, whatever.

Yes, how are you, Mom and Dad?

Okay, bye.

Michael, come and see me.

I'll be seeing you later.

You're not going to come see me?

Yeah, I'm going to come see you.

Okay.

I'm bringing the old fat John.

We're going to smoke a lot of drugs and everything.

All the drugs we can find.

God damn, motherfucker, you know?

All right, I'll talk to you later.

Bye.

Have a good day.

Yeah, okay, okay, bye, bye, bye.

God damn it, shut up.

Shut up already.

So anyway, numbers coming in from Brunei.

Here's a hotel where a woman answered.

yes yes so you're going to book sir well she called she asked what my name was i was telling

her she's so stupid that she gave you the phone yes i'm so sorry for the mattress sir okay so

you know the sultan of this country the sultan yes oh yes sir he's an asshole you know yeah he's

a stupid asshole you didn't do you know that you know what i mean yes this is a stupid country and

And your sultan is a stupid asshole.

I'm so sorry for that matter, sir.

I hope you understand because my sultan does not understand you.

So I do apologize for her.

Oh, okay.

Good.

Okay, sir.

Can she apologize to me or she doesn't know how?

She's stupid.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

So, sir, can I help you?

Yes.

Well, no.

Can you wait on the line?

I'm going to call someone else.

Okay?

I'm calling someone else.

Hi, Monkey. How are you?

Hello.

Hi.

Hello.

Sir, hello. I'm on the line.

Hello.

Hello. Can I help you?

Hello.

Hello. Can I help you, sir? Can I help you, ma'am? Can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

I can understand. Can you speak English, ma'am?

Huh?

If you don't mind. Can you speak in English, if you don't mind?

Hello?

Hello, hello.

Can you hear me?

Can you speak in English?

Can I help you?

Hello?

Hello, sir?

You still in the line?

Oh, that's someone else.

Okay.

So, do you want to book with us, sir?

Well, I had to call someone else, you know?

You understand I called someone else?

Yes, sir.

Hello?

Anyway, I know who's on the line.

Oh, they hung up.

They hung up.

Oh, this is Vagina.

My name is Vagina.

Okay.

So, you want to book with us?

Well, I was curious about that.

But I needed to call someone else.

Hello, not too far.

Hello?

Somebody's calling.

Somebody's on the line.

And I can understand if you want to book with us or not.

Oh, my God.

Okay, so just call it later if you're done calling Sir Lottie.

Hello?

Can I help you, sir?

Huh?

Can I help you?

Yes?

Do you want to book with our hotel or give a reservation?

Sir, what?

Okay.

So, this number, sir, is for the number of the hotel.

So, if you want to book with us, just tell me and I will write it down.

then i'll give a reservation booking for you hello hey hello mr hotel man hello there yeah

hey buddy how are you okay so you want to book with that yeah well yeah but i i i was explaining

to you that i had to call someone else first you know to ask them about it okay it's up to you sir

I mean, do you know what I mean?

Is there some confusion back there?

What's going on?

Where are you from, sir?

Where am I from?

Yes.

Oh, wow.

I'm in Malaysia now.

I'm at the airport.

You're in Singapore right now.

Yeah.

Hello, Anatole Fine.

Hello?

Hello.

Can you hear me?

Hello?

yes hello hi yes yes um do you have reservations there yeah and how many what's going on

hello hello hi yeah yeah how are you hello can you hear me hello it's too loud it's too loud

over there right yeah yeah it's kind of loud who is this hello are you confused yes hi how are you

how are you honey hi oh this is vagina my name is vagina my name is vagina do you understand

no did you want to look me up in the computer hi yeah hi

Hello, hello sir

Yes, hi, my name is Vajayna

Hi

Hi, my name is Vajayna

Huh?

Vajayna

What?

Yes, sir

Uh-huh, my name is Vajayna

Vajayna?

Yeah

Looking for

Hello, sir

I'm looking for like a nice warm place

Nice, from?

You know, another lady

I have to call someone else

You know

Oh, they finally hung up

Hello

Huh?

Hello

yes i want to make a reservation i want to make a reservation hello hello hello fucking shit hello

hello i want to make a reservation i said hello fuck you hello i i swear to god these pacific

nations i swear to god these pacific islanders all they ever say on the phone when you call

on this show is hello there's a rare exception like the one place i was just talking with but

But as you see the place I was connecting him with, all they say is hello.

I swear to God, if I call, name the fucking country, Saipan.

All they say, hello, hello, hello.

Why do they even have a phone?

That's what they were saying.

Hello?

God damn it.

That was so fucking confusing.

I have a headache from all that.

Fuck.

Okay, let's calm down.

Here's Mandli's lot.

This is in Malaysia.

Malaysia what I'm getting numbers in Malaysia but I thought the Sultan is a Brunei is Brunei

in Malaysia I don't know I don't understand no it's a country fuck oh anyway Malaysia here

hi how are you do you speak English are you a stupid do you speak English or are you stupid

oh god I didn't get far there let's try that again

yeah what happened what happened the phone disconnected my name is vagina

fuck you're smart there they know what i say vagina they're like yeah that's what she said

um for sale a black walnut log this is rick rick is selling a black walnut log all right

Alright, I'm excited. I hope you're excited.

Copy, paste, go.

You have reached your name and number and all will be returned.

At the tone, please record your message.

When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options.

To leave a callback number, press 5.

Motherfucker.

Listen, when you get this...

Hey, motherfucker, how are you?

Hello, who?

Yeah, how are you, motherfucker?

How you doing?

You hang on, huh?

Fuck you.

I like it.

Can you hear these motherfuckers, Rick?

These motherfuckers.

Fuck them, right?

Fuck you.

Hello, can I help you?

Yeah, fuck you in the ass.

Hello, I beg your pardon, can you speak louder?

Yeah, go to hell.

Go to shit hell.

Shit fucking stupid.

I beg your pardon?

You stupid.

I can't hear you.

What?

Can you repeat, please?

I say you are stupid.

There you go, Rick.

And the next time, it's going to be you, motherfucker.

If you are satisfied with your message, press 1.

To send your message with normal delivery, press 1.

Oh, we can't hear you.

To send your message with urgent delivery, press 2.

Thank you.

Your message has been sent.

Goodbye.

I would have liked to have heard that message played back before we sent it.

Okay.

Moving right along.

Right along.

I will look for these other numbers.

here oh look at look at here in new zealand we have the great india restaurant great india

restaurant everybody it's got a five star michelin rating apparently according to lonesome loser who

uh just recently came back from a trip to new zealand uh to promote his youtube channel thank

Thank you.

Great.

Sean, how may I help you?

Hey, boy, how you doing?

How may I help?

Yeah, you can take an order for me is how you can help.

A takeaway order?

Yeah, a takeaway order.

That's right.

Yeah, sure.

Just one moment, please.

Hurry, hurry up.

What can I get for you?

Motherfucker.

Yeah, two garlic lan.

Say what, sir?

Two garlic nan.

Garlic nan, sure.

All right, two of them.

All right, one chicken tandoori spicy.

The tandoori chicken, you can't change the spices with it.

Sit medium.

Motherfucker.

Yeah, that's fine.

Sure. Is that all for today?

Okay, and then also, can you put a few of those little chili pepper motherfuckers on the side?

You know what I'm talking about, those little pepper motherfuckers?

No, I don't know what you're talking about.

All right, fuck it then.

All right, one Bhenchod.

One what, sorry?

Bhenchod.

What's that?

It's Indian, Bhenchod.

I don't know what that is.

Are you Indian?

No, sir, I'm not.

What are you?

I'm your motherfucking worst nightmare cunt.

You're a motherfucker.

No, motherfucking worst nightmare cunt.

He said, cunt, cunt, eat it, cunt, eat it.

He said, eat it.

He knew exactly when it was.

Oh, come on, man.

Come on.

I'll call him again.

Fuck that motherfucker.

He said, motherfucker, too.

Isn't that awesome?

This is the motherfucker show.

Definitely, this is the motherfucker show.

And yes, George, he does sound scary, George.

You're right.

He does.

Hey, boy, what happened?

You hung up because you got scared?

You hung up because you got scared and intimidated?

intimidated well you say what you say that you're a cunt was it i heard you say that you're a cunt

you said i i said who are you indian and you said i'm your motherfucking cunt you said is that what

you want you want me to make your mouth my cunt all right let's uh continue here look at more

numbers from mr lonesome loser who is sending in additional indian places in new zealand now

Now, we'll compare because, of course, in Australia, we have noticed, all collectively here at Madhouse,

have noticed, indeed, that the Indians in Australia are extra riled up and angry as compared to those in the United States and Europe.

I think the United States is the mildest, and then it goes from there.

Europeans are a little angrier, and Australians are really mad.

Anyway, let's see what New Zealand begets.

Good evening, Mr. CQ. How can I help you?

Are you Indian?

Hello?

Are you Indian, boy?

Oh, yeah.

Delicious. I'd like to make an order for takeaway.

Oh, yeah, sir. Would you like an order, pickup, or delivery?

Takeaway.

Oh, takeaway? Yes, what would you like, sir?

I will come collect it, yes. I would like two garlic lamb.

Oh, just a minute. Two?

Fucking, yeah, two.

Yeah, two garlic lamb?

Yep.

And?

One papadums.

One papadums?

Yep.

One chicken tandoori, medium spicy.

One chicken tandoori?

medium spicy oh yeah oh yeah and then the last thing is a bunch of banjo banjo banjo banjo you

know what hello yeah you know banjo oh no oh you're indian you know banjo right you know what

the banjo it is so you just like for two garlic man and a motherfucker yeah motherfucker banjo

Banchot is motherfucker.

Anyone pop it up?

Listen, I'm saying that Banchot is motherfucker.

Acknowledge me.

Would you like to pick up, like, so order, or what would you like to have?

Acknowledge me.

Sorry?

Acknowledge me.

So we don't have any, like, so what are you saying?

We don't have any dish.

We don't have any food like that.

Say it.

Say the name.

Say it.

Sorry?

Say the name.

We don't have, sorry.

Say what I said.

Say Banchot.

Okay, just pass the call to my manager.

Okay, hurry up.

Hello there.

Hello.

Yeah, I don't understand.

What's going on here?

Okay, what would you like, sir, please?

I'm trying to order bancho.

Bancho?

Yes.

What do you mean, bancho?

Bancho.

Which restaurant do you want, sir?

Matarchod and bhenchod, you know?

The fuck up, man.

You're banchoed and he's matarchod.

Finally, God.

Had to put the manager to get angry.

We'll call back.

Hello?

Yeah, who's the motherfucker now, huh, bitch?

I'm going to call cops, okay?

I'm going to give you, I got a caller ID, okay?

I'm going to give the cops, okay?

I'm going to call.

If you call back, I'm going to give the cops, okay?

The cops are in here, okay?

Just one minute to come there, okay?

I call your mother.

We have a caller ID, okay?

We have a caller ID.

We have your name, too.

Okay, don't call back.

Bitch.

How can I help you?

Yeah, I called him on accident.

I'm sorry.

He said not call again, but I did again.

What happens now?

Sorry?

You said don't call again, and I called again.

Stupid.

Put manager on the phone.

Go.

Put manager on the phone.

Hello?

They got some cool beats there.

Okay, we'll keep them on the line since they're bhenchods.

Bhenchods, I hope you're listening.

We're calling the Curry Club.

Your competition.

Indian guys back there dancing around, sexual dancing with each other.

Probably got their dicks out and everything.

They're like wagging around their uncircumcised dicks.

Ooh, we're Indian.

Yeah, you're going to circumcise.

Hello, Curry Club. How can I help you?

Yes, I'd like to make an order.

Yes.

Okay, one.

All right, what's your name, please?

This is Vagina.

How do you spell?

V-A-G-I-N-A.

G-I-N-E-A, okay.

Okay.

And what's your order?

Okay, one garlic naan.

One garlic naan, yeah.

One chicken tandoori.

One full tandoori chicken.

Yes, medium spices.

Okay, tandoori.

One madarchod.

One what?

Madarchod.

I can't understand.

One madarchod.

Mother.

Madarchod.

One minute.

One second.

Hurry up.

I want to order one madarchod.

Mother.

Chod.

Or chood.

Yeah.

How do you spell it?

C-H-O-D.

P-A.

C-H.

Yeah.

O.D.

O.D.?

Chod, that's it.

A chicken chutney or something like that?

No, no, it's like your mother, you know, motherfucker, madarchod, you know what I mean?

Yeah?

Yeah, and then bhenchod is your sister, you know, ban?

You know what ban is?

Ban?

I'm joined over here.

Hello?

Yeah, I'm trying to order motherfucker, you don't understand, stupid?

Are you going to do the same thing?

Okay, all right.

Alright, now we got two of you listening on the line like stupid monkeys, and I'll call the next one, motherfucker.

We got two of them just sitting back there.

Yeah, I want to make an order.

One bhenchod.

It's your sister?

Your sister?

Yeah, I called the curry club.

I called Mandos.

Give him your number after the time pass.

Let's call Little India, motherfucker.

India's restaurant?

I heard him saying they called the curry club

and then he's saying they're calling India's restaurant

because he heard it out in the message.

That's funny. Yeah.

I forgot which one that was so we'll never get to talk about it.

What do you mean? We're going to get there on the street. How can I help you?

Shut up. I'm talking.

Sorry?

I said shut up. I'm talking.

Yes?

Yeah, I want to make an order.

Make an order, yes. What would you like to have, sir?

One banchot.

Sorry?

One banchot.

All right.

One mutterchot.

Okay.

Okay. One kuta.

Sorry? What was that?

Kuta.

Okay, another one?

Yes.

Another one?

I want your whole mother, the whole thing, naked on a table.

Yeah, teddy mariland.

the indians they always pull through yeah these new zealand indians are uh quite riley uh just

like their australian brethren they're in the pacific english uh region thank you

he was bengali that last one because he was saying that's bengali i know that oh okay

Okay, um, I don't remember which one was the curry one that stayed on for three calls.

Let's see.

Let's see if it's this one.

Curry Club.

It's not available.

That wasn't it.

That was Curry Club.

That was a different one, sir.

Uh, Curry Pot is here.

The Curry Pot.

An Indian guy answered there.

All right, let's ask him.

We can say like Jen Stewart does.

He's going to take a big poo in the pot, and we're going to mix it up.

That's fucking nasty.

Good evening, Curry Pot.

Hey, how you doing, boy?

Hello.

Hey, boy, how you doing?

I'm good, good, thanks.

Oh, yeah, I'm doing good, too, baby.

I wanted to make an order.

Yes, sure.

I wanted to make an order for a banchard.

Sorry?

Banchard?

Yep.

One banchard, yes?

And?

Banchard?

One motherchard?

Yep, yep.

One motherchard, okay.

And I want your whole mother to be there.

The whole woman.

Hello?

Yeah, naked with no clothes on.

The whole woman.

Oh, boy.

anyway let me take a quick break real quick while i recover here and regroup my brain machine

i'm gonna be right back but before that uh before i come back that is uh there will be a prank call

you all probably heard a whole bunch of times already but i will subject you to listening to

it again well just part of it not the whole thing but it's the roommate call carlito's roommate

That's all, you know, it was my roommate in the hospital that got prank called by Brad Carter.

Oh, yeah, motherfucker.

Anyway, I'll be right back after this.

Towns Radio will be back right after this.

This is Mark down.

I'm in the janitor's office.

Yes.

Hey, we need you to mop the hallways to help, you know, pay for your keep there.

Just just to kind of help out a little help out, you know, carry, pull your own weight.

We need you to mop the hallway there outside your door.

Okay.

Is there a mop in your room?

I don't know.

Can you get up and look around and check and see if there's a mop?

I don't think I can help, Mark.

I just got transferred here this afternoon.

I don't know much of what's going on.

But there's no one else to mop.

We need someone to mop the hallway.

The floor is filthy.

I was up there.

Hold on just a second.

All right.

Are you getting a mop from the nurse?

I'm sorry, I can't help you.

Does the nurse have a mop? What did you ask her for?

I asked her for a bedpan.

Oh, no, that's not going to help with the floors.

No, I'm sorry, I can't help you, Mark.

Someone's got to clean these floors. You've got to pull your own weight.

You've got to pull your own weight if you're going to stay here.

Okay, well, if we could, let's talk about it tomorrow.

Well, no, tomorrow's no good, because we've got Edward from, it's like two doors down from you.

He's doing the mopping tomorrow.

Today, it's your turn.

It's like your turn.

You've got to take your turn and do your part.

Would you call my daughter?

Okay, let me see.

Yeah, and tell her what you're talking about.

Well, no, but, like, she's not going to come down and do the mopping.

That's crazy.

No, it's got to be the resident.

We can't just have outside people coming in and mopping things.

Okay, well, she can help me get it organized.

But is she going to be able to do it today?

Because we need you to mop the hallway today.

I can't do it today.

Why not?

Because I don't understand the process.

You don't understand how to mop a floor?

It's not rocket science.

You just get the mop and you put it in the bucket

and you rub the mop back and forth in the hallway.

It's really easy.

The nurse can help you understand how to do it.

Somebody will have to explain it to me.

Yeah, yeah, the nurse will explain it to you.

You understand I'm 90 years old, and...

No, no, stop making excuses.

Stop making excuses.

We need someone to mop in there.

We need someone to mop in there within the next...

We need you to start right now,

because it's got to be done within the next couple hours.

I'm sorry, I can't do it.

Got to get mopping.

I wish I could help you, but I can't tonight.

If you're not going to do it, then who's going to do it?

I don't know.

Okay, we're going to need you to go two doors down to your right

and ask him if he'll swap with you

and you can mop for him tomorrow

and he'll mop for you today.

Can you go ask him if he'll swap duties with you?

No, I can't do it.

Why? Someone's got to mop the floors.

They're filthy.

Do you want to be kicked out?

Well, that would be me.

You're going to get yourself kicked out of here.

I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.

Sorry doesn't cut it.

Who's going to mop this place?

Footprints out there.

Dirt and mud.

From all the snow outside, someone's got to mop.

I'm not going to mop.

Okay.

Don't ask me to mop.

That's not my job.

Okay.

I'm the supervisor.

I'm above mopping floors at this point.

Okay.

Just get out there and mop.

I think the mop's in the bathroom.

You'll have to talk to my daughter.

I don't understand what you're talking about.

You understand.

Don't say that.

You understand me perfectly.

I'm going to call your daughter and file.

We're going to write you up with a demerit.

Okay.

You're going to get two demerits if you don't mop.

Okay.

And if you get more than three demerits, then you get written up.

Okay.

And it goes on your permanent record.

Okay.

You'd rather have that than just mop the floors like everyone else does?

Yeah.

I'll do my mopping when I understand I've been here about 15 minutes.

I know.

You've got to mop.

That's how we pay the bills here.

You'll have to talk to my daughter.

So you understand, right?

I mean, how can you not understand?

It's so simple.

You've got to pull your own weight.

You've got to mop the floors.

I'm sorry, Mark, to let you down.

That's all right.

Well, no, it's not all right, actually.

It sucks.

Mr. Ryan, you know, you don't understand what he's talking about.

He's making the point, well, you have to do your job or you'll get demerits.

I think the guy's crazy.

So the only thing I knew to do was have him call you, honey.

I couldn't make any sense out of it.

Okay, honey. Love you.

Hello.

Hi, this is Roy. I'm the janitor here at the doctors where your father's staying.

Yeah.

We're having some problems.

He's refusing to mop the floors on his floor

because we have to have him mop all of the floors on the entire level of the building

to help kind of earn his keep

so he's not like a freeloader and he's saying he's not going to do it he's trying to tell me

that you're going to do it and i that's just crazy we can't have people that aren't staying

here do the housework okay so you want him to mop the floors on the third floor everything on the

third floor that'd be great just for one day like that's the all the people staying here they take

turns and today is his turn and he's got to mop the floors so if he could i'm sorry he he just

came up there you know yeah about 2 30 but he can't mop the floors he can't even walk

oh no he can like use the mop as a support you know oh no that's out of the question oh no no

it's got to be done he can't be a freeloader he's got to pull his own weight around here we all do

we all got to pitch in so yeah you can just talk to him about that because well i'm not going to

talk to him about it because you know the man is um almost died like a week ago i don't care

I don't care.

He can't mop the floors.

That's the way things are done here.

He's got to pull his own weight.

We can't afford to just hire janitors to mop.

We're on a budget.

This economy is killing us all.

I mean, pardon the pun.

Yeah, okay.

Well, if you could just talk to him, that'd be great.

I'm not going to talk to him.

He's not going to be mopping the floor.

He can't even get out of bed.

Yeah, they have a monitor if he even sits up and gets out of his chair.

Maybe if you can arrange to switch with another one of the guests here, the patients here.

No, I'm not going to arrange anything like that.

He could mop tomorrow, and then maybe someone else could take his place.

No, that's out of the question.

Killing me here.

If he's expected to mop the floors, we're just going to transfer to another facility.

Well, maybe that'd be best.

You know, he's not going to pull his own weight.

We don't need freeloaders here anyway.

I've got to go.

I've got to go arrange someone to mop the floor now.

What is your name?

He's so lazy.

This is Roy.

Mark Roy.

He's not lazy.

He's so lazy.

He won't even mop.

I've got to go.

There's something wrong with you.

Yeah.

Well, this is the way things are done here.

No, they're not done that way with my father.

All right.

Well, thanks anyway.

Thanks for nothing.

nothing.

Of course not.

But he said, you know, everybody's gotta pull away, and that's right.

Okay, you have this.

Thanks.

He said, your dad's just lazy, and I said, well, you know, if this is the case, we're

just gonna transfer him.

And he's like, that was a happy thing.

Right.

And then, he hung up on me, but he...

What is 0241?

Is that...

I don't know.

Oh, this is the area code?

Yeah.

Right.

That's the whole number.

All right.

I'll see what I can make out.

This is so sorry that happened.

But it called my dad on this phone.

And then I just went home for an hour,

and it called me in my cell.

I didn't know.

I couldn't get rid of him.

So I asked him to call my daughter.

It was such a wild story.

Yeah.

It was so crazy.

I'm going to see what I can do.

OK.

Very good.

He said he was going to jam her on the third floor.

I'll go and live in.

OK.

What happened?

661 area code and you know 15 minutes ago he said your dad's lazy he's got to help him off the floors

I hated to do it I'm sorry no I couldn't get him off the floor I had to I had to listen to him

he was just rude and belligerent and he said everybody up there has to do their thing

and uh and he's lazy oh horrible just like you thought you'd call like I'm sorry are you sure

It's okay?

Yeah, yeah, it's okay.

So I don't know, I, you know, he's just a,

he's just insane, and I don't know

how he got your number, Dad.

I don't either.

Yeah.

And I hated to call it off on you.

No.

But I didn't know what to do with the guy.

Oh no, you should have given him my number,

because I had to hear, you know, this wacko.

Yeah.

What he had to say.

That's really crazy.

Oh, yeah.

Was it a kid?

Was it like a kid?

Like a kid?

No, a man, Roy.

I didn't get his last name and then he hung up.

So I gave the nurse his number because I had it in my cell phone.

Oh, he called you? He didn't block the number or anything?

No, he didn't block the number.

He said, everybody out there has to take your responsibility and mop.

He said, now I'm going to have to find somebody else that can mop.

I said, my dad can't even walk.

The thing is, I was so upset.

I know he didn't have any control over it, but he's definitely not stuck.

Somehow he called in to you because you're a new patient.

It has nothing to do with the hospital because he has a different area code.

One of the oddest telephone conversations I've ever had in a circumstance.

Well I'm really glad he called me so I could hear his chattiness.

He did the right thing. Pardon?

He did the right thing having him call you.

Yes, definitely. He did the right thing having him call me back.

Did he call like soon after I left to tell you his name besides Roy?

He said, I'm the janitor on the third floor and everybody up there has to take their turn.

And your dad said, well, I can't mom.

And my daughter, my daughter, you know, call my daughter.

Unbelievable call. I hated to do it, but I had to get rid of it.

I've had to talk to him, too.

Don't think twice about that.

I've had to talk to this man.

He was your next-year-old.

Yeah.

We're on a budget there now.

Everybody has to pull their weight.

Oh, please.

Oh, whack it.

Don't worry about it.

There's no one here named Rory.

I never heard of Rory here.

Yeah.

Never heard of Rory in my life before.

Right.

I don't know who that would be.

That's where he got the number from.

But he's not stabbed.

One thing, honey.

I hope that when you die, put your GPS in your box.

So when you die, you open that tractor at the bottom.

You check the GPS and you go to hell.

This radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

Fatter than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Thank you, who you are.

All right, motherfucker.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was audio of me falling down and breaking my ankle one month and one day ago.

For those of you who don't know where I have been, where have I been the last month and one day?

I slipped on ice at work, broke my ankle, had an open fracture, which means the bone was sticking out, you know?

And I also shattered my tibia in the process.

It was bullshit.

shit anyway i'm pissed off so i don't know if you overheard just a few minutes ago right before i

took that break what had me kind of frazzled if you were to ask me what what what sound

scares me the most ever since i was a child and i will have to say it's the emergency alert tone

there's a name for it i know there's a specific name for it but it's a combination of three tones

and one i think that are just it's designed to be really shrill against the ear and it makes you

feel uncomfortable and then you look you look to see what it is that's why it's used to get your

attention you don't really hear shit like that in nature and whatnot anyway so that started playing

all of a sudden i'm like okay i know there's no tv or radio on what in the fuck here would do that

and i figured it was coming from my cell phone that's over here next to me which i didn't even

know was next to me and on the screen i have a galaxy s3 and on the screen was an amber alert

it scared the fuck out of me and it's almost midnight like had i been sleeping and that would

have woken me up because i sleep with my cell phone on the bed um next to me i would have scared

the shit out of my fucking ass i mean seriously look and if you think i'm bullshitting that it's

uh during the break now i was researching like all right well how do i turn that off i don't

want that shit to happen and i found it it's it's called wireless emergency alerts and if

If you're using Android, you have it.

It's in your settings.

You have to go to your settings, and you go all the fuck away.

Where did I go?

Yeah, if you have Android, you have to go to your messaging app.

So your text messaging app, you tap on menu, and you go to settings.

And then all the way, almost cleared away to the bottom, down third from last section,

you see emergency message settings.

Now, check this out.

Emergency alerts, and you set up what type you want to receive.

by default they will all be checked so that could have happened to you the the top one which you

don't have the option of unchecking is presidential alerts you can't uncheck that one so there could

be a presidential alert which i would guess would be some kind of national emergency and then there's

also imminent extreme alert and then imminent severe alert i don't know what levels like if

they're for thunderstorms i don't want this shit going off scaring the shit out of me at three in

in the morning you know for a fucking thunderstorm or a winter alert or some shit but then yeah the

last one amber alerts and this is received child abduction emergency alerts it's it and here's the

button to to preview the tone i'm guessing it's gonna make that fucking noise let's see see and

it says right here listen to it damn scares the fuck out of me ever since i was a kid back when

it was the emergency broadcast service i remember if that one came on there on the tv as a taught

as a kid i just i would run and hide every time i don't know why or at least yeah i know my mom

still remember that uh up until when she died she was telling me i remember whenever that noise used

to come up used to run and hide in the closet you were scared and it's funny just like you know i

didn't know half a shit about the the russians wanted to nuke us when i was three four years

old really but i knew that was bad news anyway so that's just the reason i shared that because

Because it pissed me off.

That fucking hat.

Scared the shit out of me first.

Pissed me off.

And I wanted to share with you guys.

Go in and undo that.

God damn.

Anyway.

And I'm tired.

This is the latest I've been up in a month.

And the only reason I'm able to.

I said to myself I was only going to do an hour.

And I'm two hours in.

But I don't want to just end the show abruptly.

Because I said it was going to be a break.

If it wasn't for that I would have just ended.

Now I know Baz said he wanted to go on with Turbo I think.

That would be awesome.

awesome oh shit he's calling right now actually let me connect baz baz hello baz hey hey how you

doing there flapjack i'm doing okay hey i just want to say don't be scared baby it's gonna be

okay that shit scares me don't don't worry seriously that shit scared the fuck out of

my fucking yeah i know i actually i could hear that in the background i thought it was

hearing something what the fuck is that i started looking for a tv at first like i'm like wait i

don't have a tv in this room what the fuck you know yeah i thought maybe something happened at

the olympics or something yeah damn that just pisses me off and shit like that it just turned

on on my phone i never would have thought they would use that sound either why would they use

that sound that just if that went off in my pocket man if i was like really drunk or if i was like

really high or something and i that noise started going off in my pocket when i was out in public i

would have been so fucking scared no shit and everyone would have turned around and stared at

me like what the fuck you just hear that noise going off yeah that'd be a cool prank to go in

public and just play that really loud on your cell phone that yeah just see what

it'd be a bad idea to use that in a prank call uh well i don't know i don't think so why why

would it be i guess i'll let that pass i wouldn't have a problem with that i don't see why let's just

just use it when we call guam yeah okay uh baz i was actually thinking about dipping out i know i

took a big break and all that shit but that's cool did you want to go on you said with um

yeah turbo and i are gonna go on uh i don't think i can go on for maybe about

50 minutes so i told him about 10 p.m pacific all right now and i think he's gonna broadcast

i've been having some problems with my mixer i haven't figured it out yet all right yeah i

I've got to elevate my foot, and I'm a little hungry, too.

I hear you.

Yeah.

So, anyway, is Turbo ready?

It's over, man.

Is Turbo ready?

What was that?

It was great hearing his show.

Oh, thanks.

It was great being on.

No, seriously, my leg is bothering me, too.

Like, I'm in a boot right now, and it's just very uncomfortable to sit up like I have to

to use two computers like this.

Yeah, you haven't done that for a couple hours straight in a while, I'll bet.

No, I have not.

I've really been just laying down.

And I do physical therapy and all that, but it's not the same thing.

Anyway.

All right, Baz.

What's that?

Is that helping?

The PT?

Yeah.

PT helps.

OT helps also.

All that good shit.

All right.

Here's Thailand.

All right.

We got to call Thailand.

It's been a very weird show today, Baz.

Yeah.

I just tuned in about 30 minutes ago.

Yeah.

It's a lot of me connecting people, different people at once.

And fun.

Entertaining.

At least better than nothing.

taiwan is it a business or caesars entertainment that's all i got is that caesars yeah yeah what

do you guys use the casino you can't speak english do you speak english oh hello yeah hi

do you speak english honey you can't oh that's it's good that you have here in the computer

it says that you have english speakers and you don't speak english right that's a bunch of shit

it can you put someone else on the phone honey you're fucking retarded i'm gonna keep you on

the phone you're so stupid you're lining up hello okay uh that was a massage place i was trying to

connect i don't know that was their hold music or their dial tone thing their dial ring back tone

Let's bring him back down

Yeah

He?

Hello

Yeah, is this massage?

Mm-hmm

Oh, yeah, my friend Baz

He's on the phone here

And he wants a massage

We're going to masturbate him

Yeah, I want a massage

I was wondering

I've got a big hard-on for the king of Thailand

Do you have a picture of the king

That you can put up on the wall

So that I can look at the picture of the king

While you rub me down

so i can i can fantasize that the king is giving me a good rub down okay yeah yeah so is this a

massage will you massage my my lower body or my upper body yeah i want you to massage uh

down down there do you understand what i say when i say down there you say can you say anything

other than okay okay yeah you know what i hear that the king is a real asshole your king you

You know, I met him in Singapore at a bar, and he tried to touch my cock.

And then I kind of liked it.

That's why I developed a man crush on him,

and I want to rub one out looking at a picture of the king.

Okay, finally left.

He just said okay.

Did he say anything else?

Okay, okay.

I think he understood about maybe 10% of what we were saying.

I don't even think it was that.

He understood okay.

I don't know that much.

Yeah, Baz, I'm gone.

Thank you, Baz, for helping out with one little call there, little motherfucker,

and hopefully you'll be on in about an hour or so, I guess.

Yeah, about maybe 45 minutes, 50 minutes.

I'm going to eat some cottage cheese, man.

And Turbo's going to be streaming this,

so I think he'll probably do it on the Madhouse Mixer.

Good, good, good.

He should, damn it.

And I'm going to have me some cottage cheese, you know?

Nice.

Maybe on some crackers.

Great, good.

Yeah.

All right, thanks, buddy.

See you later, Baz.

Later, man.

Bye.

All right, there you go.

and i think we're done it's time for my cottage cheese motherfuckers yeah that's what it sounds

like when it comes out it isn't soft it's like i'm pissing like a girl when i shit anyway well

thank you everyone for tuning in today on the mad tonight on the madhouse thing show that was

carlito your host big thanks to lonesome loser nova new new and uh big baz who all contributed

Tributed with numbers and talent and help and suggestions.

I see Dwight was calling and I didn't get to him in time.

I'm sorry, Dwight.

You could not be on.

Dwidget, perhaps next time.

Big Dwight.

Stay tuned in a little bit, Turbo.

I guess hopefully we'll show up this time.

He was supposed to come on yesterday and he didn't show up.

When he was told, he said he was going to come on after Brad.

He didn't come on.

It was bullshit.

All right, guys.

Have a good weekend.

Calls (19, 39 min of 1 h 22 min)

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