The King of Thailand is Still An Asshole

You little monkey.

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

What? You want to fuck yourself?

Talk back?

You go to hell.

You go to hell, okay?

You asshole.

Not say like that to me, huh?

Idiot.

You fucking idiot.

You fucking...

What I need to tell you is we are holding a museum of toilets here.

That means that we have masterpieces from all across the world.

I said I drink pee.

You drink pee?

Pee.

Minus 50.

The vehicle now pressurized, and the vehicle is go, as is the spacecraft at this time.

Coming up on the 40-second mark, T-minus 40 seconds and counting.

T-minus 40.

All reports look good from here in the blockhouse at this time.

All aspects of the mission go, T-minus 30 seconds and counting.

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Now, T-minus 21 seconds and counting.

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The Saturn 1B1 vehicle, which now weighs 1.3 million pounds, is ready to go.

Coming up on the 10-second line.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, we have ignition.

PS Cornish is on.

Kids, pick up.

What are you doing?

This is Madhouse Radio Live.

Whatever you call it.

I don't know.

Madhouse show thing.

that thing i do all right by now you probably know madhouse live.com is the website

chat room's in there request a prank is in there use those tools send me any requests you have

you want me to prank call someone for you or a place person place for thing i can't guarantee

i'll get to it i'm like that i'm i i i got pro i have adult adult deficit head hyperactive

attention deficit disorder a h a d a d h d all right uh of course lonesome's here he sends in

numbers and he sends his regards to everybody just so you guys know he sends his regards all

right here's a lonesome loser here he's sending in numbers someone's selling tickets for cat

williams that guy went crazy last i heard about cat williams he went crazy he was the number two

two comedian in america for two years straight and then he went crazy right behind uh oh who was

the number one how was it what's larry the cable guy was number i don't know if he is still now but

he was number one comedian for two years in a row cat williams kept coming to number two

i saw a movie with cat williams it was almost like a documentary shot where they just followed

cat williams around you know he got real political in it and stuff i don't know he was starting to

go crazy by that point but the guy is cool he went into some shop in st louis and was buying

like a pimp out there was he went to like a pimp outfit store just to see what was going on and

there was like some pimp in there i think buying like pimp clothes pimping clothes i don't know

it's on netflix or some shit uh and we're also getting valentine's information of course

tomorrow's valentine's day hey guy hey guy the one guy that listens to the show that has a

girlfriend and i don't mean milkman because that's a made-up story you need to get something

and tomorrow don't forget it's too late to get flowers unless you go now you got to go to the

grocery store and buy them yourself like an asshole i get mine ordered fuck that they're

much nicer when you order them too they look really nice when you get them they're not shipping

them from like over the country they're getting they just get sent to local florists to fulfill

when you do pro flowers and whatnot and so forth but anyway don't forget that okay someone is

selling beautiful gift baskets for valentine's that reminds me is lonesome the dude i know we

had a some lady was on craigslist selling uh diaper babies what the hell was that holy shit

that was a few months ago i was making dolls out of diapers like this little baby folded things out

of diapers and i i was calling her telling i was just telling her off it got real sexist if i

i remember she was all like don't talk like that about my womanhood she sent a hawaiian too i think

man someone out there if you remember what episode that was let me know i want to hear that shit now

that had to be like the fall calling the customer service department to check the status of your

order 24 hours a day please go to www.customerstatus.com our office is closed today due to

inclement weather our normal business they're just straight up closed because of the fag weather

That's right. Yeah, we're in the middle of a snowstorm. I think we ended up with, I don't know,

over 12 inches today, I believe. Over a foot. I know that much. I stayed my ass inside as I have

since New Year's. No lie. Because I broke my ankle right after New Year's. Just about. After

New Year's weekend, I broke my ankle. The last day of New Year's weekend. Okay. Lonesome sending

in numbers in thailand here's the devil's den in thailand we also got discreet ladies and girls

escorts a whole bunch of escorts in thailand where the president or the king is highly loved

revered by all the people and it is a serious crime they'll cane you and then they'll take

the cane and put it in your asshole one foot take it out and then they make you smell it

true story and i said oh smell it smell it like that and put it under your lip under your they

put it on your upper lip like smell smell it yeah i think there was one where i said i wanted to use

the bathroom on the massage table i want to take a shit and piss they're like no no no hello

yes hi is this lady girls lady girl yes it is women machines you just you must have just uh

Uh, this is just for you.

Did you just send me an email asking for the telephone number?

What?

Did you send an email a little while ago asking for my telephone number?

Yeah.

Anyway, this is...

Yeah, this is...

What can I do for you?

And you're in Thailand, right?

You're here in Bangkok?

All right, because I'm in Bangkok.

Yeah, I'm in Bangkok.

I just got here.

We've been drinking and everything and doing snake's blood, you know?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, we've been doing snake blood.

So, what can I do for you?

Uh, well, we wanted to talk to some lady machines, you know?

we want to have a couple lady machines come by uh we're here because the the king of thailand's a

fucking asshole so we're doing a documentary on him about how much of an asshole he is

no we've already talked to a few police officers and they've taken our information they said they

were going to follow up with us we've been having a pretty good uh reaction so far we've got a lot

lot of uh good leads on some people we're going to interview anyway if i say girls to you i recommend

you don't say that to the girls a lot of guys are very uh protective of the gig so particularly

the girls that i have anyway so it's a big deal what's the big deal i can go around this is

america this is america you know i'm american and i say you say whatever you want but you're not

You're not in America, so that's my point.

I could call the king of America a stupid asshole right to his face,

and he can't do anything to me.

I call him a stupid asshole.

There is no king to America.

It's pretty hard to do that, but there is one.

Well, you know, I'm just saying.

I didn't think you would understand because you're Bangkok.

You're Thailand.

Thai.

I'm in Thailand, but I'm not Thai.

What are you?

Anyway.

What are you?

If you can't tell from my accent, how can you not tell from my accent?

I don't know, I guess you're American

You're American and you hang out in Thailand

Yeah, we're American

Anyway, which girls are you interested in seeing?

What would you like to see?

No, I'm not

I prank call people in Thailand

And I say that the king is an asshole

And they get real mad and argue

And we just do it for fun

That's why I do it

Okay, well, have yourself a nice day

You're a cracker-ass, white-boy, honky

Fucking cracker-white devil

Motherfucker

whatever so there's an american who works in bangkok thailand great all right moving right

along escort girls machines so that's some dirty american over there doing dirty business he

probably likes uh fucking little boys and stuff you know that's why he hangs out in thailand that's

why i said that he's a pervert probably he's a pervert hey how you doing i'm a pervert hello

Yeah, I'm perverted.

I'm a perverted tourist.

Oh, this is Cross.

How are you, honey?

What's your name?

Is your name Amy?

Yeah.

My name is Cross.

I'm calling.

I'm shooting a movie.

We need to escort two girls over here.

Two stupid women.

Which one?

Which one I sent to you?

Which girl?

The stupid woman.

Stupid girl.

girl which one which one i sent for you which one stupid so you see the photo from my side okay

yeah i saw yeah number two number two i think the disconnected hang on here you go uh i don't know

what she was she sounded like a mama son right i'm calling her back but i don't want to really

call her back but the fat's in the fire i already dialed it hello hey what happened why the phone

disconnect honey you see the photo you see the girl photo first okay i can send the girl for

are you okay number two i'm trying to tell her number two girl number two and she just hangs up

so you see the photo well i'm not going to go to the dirty perverted website like that

bangkok city escorts yeah is that city escort machines yes it's a bangkok city escort yes

that's good listen my name is cross i'm filming a documentary about the king of thailand he's an

asshole so uh we needed some escorts over here we're gonna have a party tonight and we're gonna

to maybe see if the girls want to interview because we think that we're doing a documentary

to talk about how much the king of thailand's a fucking asshole you know like that it's called

king of thailand asshole it's called that was a british guy or something right or australian

whatever some kind of odd routing issue or placed on a block or some shit like that

We have hotels in South Africa also coming up here.

Here's BKK 24-hour escorts in Bangkok, Thailand.

Bang some cock.

This on here is called Bangkok.

Hey, how you doing, honey baby?

Yes, would you like to book a lady?

Yeah, I want number two.

You want to book me?

Number two.

Pardon?

Number two.

I want number two lady.

Right now in Bangkok?

I'm in my bed.

Yeah, I'm in Bangkok.

Yeah, I'm in the hotel.

hotel okay you want to book the lady for now for today yeah is there some fucking going on over

there in the back what's that noise yeah i'm in bangkok yeah i'm in the hotel you have to talk

you have to talk nice okay and i send a lady to you yeah then i'm gonna go over there and slap

you in the face yeah i'm in bangkok yeah i'm in the hotel yeah i need to talk nice so far all

we've gotten the answer is thai people uh or english and american people in thailand thai

women hello yeah hey thai woman how are you hey the king the king the king you want to

fuck yourself the king you go to hell the king of thailand is an asshole you go to hell okay

you asshole not say like that to me i idiot you fucking idiot asshole oh shit they love the curse

those thais love the curse bro and they do it in english really good fuck your mom

mom you fucking asshole and hung right up oh damn try again don't don't don't don't don't don't

waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting now she's not answering now but she got mad guys you heard

that so make a note of that lonesome that was b the bkk 24 escort service and that was funny

the mama's on there says fuck you asshole and that helps our cause of making people angry and

miserable at work i don't know why we do this but uh it's what we find funny i guess we're sick

people but we have a heart look at that christmas thing that that jayad guy did right that was a

good machine all right we got the apartments and hotel in mangabuge johannes mapungu all right

Alright, whatever. Whatever the fuck it is.

Let's call it. South Africa Machine.

Hey, welcome to KCG.

My name is Chalamaraya speaking. How are my sisters doing?

Hey, boy. How are you doing?

Fine, and you?

My name is Elron.

Yes?

I need to speak to number 13, please.

I beg your pardon, sir?

I need to speak to number 13, monkey.

Number 13? Who's number 13?

The room number 13.

No, we don't know the room number 13.

Do we have to know the room number 13?

guest the number of the name of the guest uh i'm taxi driver i don't know you know i'm a fucking

taxi you know i do understand it but if you say one number 15 this is my hotel and then we don't

have number 13 here listen i i'm american i only speak english you know do you have anyone there

that speaks american because i think you're speaking african you know i don't really understand

very well i'm sorry honey what were you saying can i have the name of the guest that you are

looking for say i still there's still like a language thing is there someone there to speak

english i'm speaking english yeah but you have like a african accent you know the problem that

there's no one here available now oh you're all dark skinned people yes yeah yes i'm working alone

at the reception now oh okay is it is it safe you know i think if i didn't say is it safe like for

me to go like it's not bad right it's a good place they're not uh replying and responding

hello you're saying mean awful things with a new menu hello hey little monkey how are you

oh good yeah i was calling before and there was a a woman there she was really angry and she said

mean things she said that uh that no what can i do for you sir yeah she said that when i got there

she was gonna measure the width of my nose she said i i the width of my nose she said that she

She had to measure it.

She had to measure what?

The width of my nose.

There?

Yeah, I'm flying from Puerto Rico.

You know, Puerto Rico?

You ever heard of Puerto Rico?

So she has to measure what?

Your nose?

She wants to measure how wide my nose is.

She wants to measure how wide your nose is.

Yes, because...

Who said that?

Some woman that I was talking to just now,

because I'm coming from the Caribbean island of Puerto Rico,

And she said, she's like, so are you white or black?

And I said, I'm not, I'm, I'm Hispanic.

I said, I'm Puerto Rican.

And she said, let's go to the bottom line.

What can I do for you, sir?

Well, I wanted to explain that I have Italian and Castilian ancestry from Europe.

Okay.

Yes.

What can I do for you?

Because you're calling a hotel.

And on my mother's side, I'm a descendant of Christopher Columbus also.

I don't know if you knew that.

Yes, what can I do for you, sir?

I have good white, yeah.

She said that she wanted to measure my nose.

She had to measure.

She said if it was wide past a certain amount.

You want to measure your nose?

Yes.

No, no, this is a wrong, wrong, wrong telephone number you called, sir.

No, this is the hotel that I want to stay at.

I'm coming there.

You want to stay here?

Yeah, I'm on a safari.

We're going to shoot some elephants, and I'm going to take them.

So, so, so, did you make a reservation, sir?

Not yet, but I don't know about that.

Not yet.

I don't know about that.

Okay, if you want to make the reservation, let's cut the metal short.

Just let me give you the email address.

Shut up.

Hello?

Shut up.

I'm going to shut up.

Yeah.

So it seems you don't want me to help you, sir.

Shut up, you monkey fucking shit.

I'm just trying to get a place to stay for my camera crew.

We're doing a documentary.

We're going to be capturing a live elephant and shooting him and then opening him up to measure him inside, measure his internal organs and his stomach contents and the contents of his of his intestines.

What?

I'm talking about killing a dangerous elephant.

Need a weekend break?

Stay Friday and Saturday night and enjoy our four star luxuries at 850 Rand single and 1000 Rand double.

bed and breakfast your call is now first in line and will be answered by the next available

representative thank you for your patience mission on fair city mapungu hotel and twist restaurant

yes can the concierge book me a trip to shoot an elephant hello hello yes can the concierge

please book me a trip to shoot an elephant to book a trip to shoot an elephant yes

Well, because we're going to open it up and look inside the elephant and look, see how big its internal organs are and how big its sexual organs are.

We're going to measure its sexual organs.

Unfortunately, this is Mapungu, the hotel.

It's a hotel.

We are not booking for the elephant.

We are only booking the guest to stay in the hotel.

It's a group of, we're independent, wealthily, independently wealthy.

We're just small-time startup business millionaires in California.

California and we have a bed that an elephant can't put its uh can't put its trunk up its

asshole so we were going to shoot one and and prove it to the theory we have a few hundred

thousand dollars on the bet we do unfortunately say this is my hotel we are not making the trip

or the booking for the elephants we are only booking for the guests that are staying in the

hotel side do you have any animals there no you don't have like a zoo area or any animals there

We do have the zoo areas, but in Johannesburg, not in the hotel.

Yeah, but what kind of animals?

Is there a giraffe there we can shoot?

We can shoot a giraffe?

Can I give you the number so that we can call them directly?

Who?

The zoo?

Yes.

Okay, what's the zoo number?

Sure, honey baby.

Mama, what's my phone?

What's my phone number?

It's 011-791-0746.

All right, and who is this?

What zoo?

What's the name of the zoo?

do it's a lost travel choice can you call them so they will arrange it everything for you okay

okay sir oh i guess i'll try can you um can you give me a person i can talk to over there

i don't know the person that side say oh you don't know you don't have any contact there

there is only the contact number that i got i don't have the name of the person

no do you know and what's it and it's in downtown johannesburg or where is it fucking shit

Yes, it's in Johannesburg, sir.

In the Johannesburg downtown.

But you're right, you're further away, you know, and we can find like a nice live gorilla, you know, and we can wrestle.

No, no, we don't have a mouse river here in Johannesburg, sir.

Masturbate the gorilla, you know.

Can you call that number that I give you?

They will give you all the information that you need, sir.

Do they have monkeys in the zoo that masturbate, the masturbating monkeys?

No, yes, yes.

You know how they masturbate?

They do have it.

They have the masturbating monkeys.

I love that.

I love, well, I could sit there for hours just watching them.

Masturbating and fornicating and defecating and all that.

Yes.

And printing each other.

Oh, I just sit there.

Are you going to come to South Africa today?

I'm here now.

I'm in the airport.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm here in the airport now, honey.

You know?

Where are you now?

I'm in the B wing of the airport.

Port, you know, B-Wing?

In Johannesburg? Yeah.

Okay. I'm in the B-Wing, you know,

it has a picture of the president

here, and it has a picture of...

Who's the black man that died the other day?

The Nelson Mandela?

Yeah, the bad guy, you know?

He's... Yeah, they say

he's a bad man, they were

saying on the TV and everything.

Yeah, he was going around

and he was...

He got to Miami once.

He took a trip to Miami?

Yeah, and he used to work for this guy called Lopez.

Yeah, and he used to sell, you know, like drugs, you know, he used to get drugs.

And then he made his own deal with the big guy in Bolivia to bring the stuff in himself.

And then he got into a big deal.

Lopez found out and tried to get him killed at the club where the guy from Law & Order was, like, doing a stand-up, you know?

No, okay, sure.

yeah and uh they missed him and then he came back and he was like yeah lopez you motherfucker you

know and they shot him and then there was this cop you know and they killed the cop too this big fat

cop you know and then uh yeah that's that that's uh that's how that guy just fucking you know that's

that's how he got his start that nelson mandela you know and then they they caught him and they

They put him in jail on that island, you know.

was okay thank

you very much for your policy he was there for like 60 years i heard then he came out and said

now you're the president yeah you know and all the people were marching and their shoes were

wearing out you know they were putting holes in their souls and it's a lot of walking you know

it's a lot of walking we uh got a number here i'm going to add which is for an elephant place

in thailand thailand

is this elephant fucking shit is this the elephant machine

whatever i'll call the elephant park again i don't play

It's got to enter the number in here.

Give me a second.

Plus.

Here we go.

When it's a woman.

Yeah, Elephant Park.

Hello.

Elephant.

You have elephant show?

Yeah, I want to look inside the elephant, you know.

The elephant.

I want to look inside one.

No, inside the elephant, the animal.

I want to look inside.

Hey, how are you?

Hi.

Hello.

Hi.

I want to look inside the elephant.

I want to look inside.

What?

I want to look inside the elephant.

Elephant?

Yeah.

I want to look inside.

Elephant show.

Yeah.

I want to touch the elephant and kiss the elephant.

I don't know.

You know the king of Thailand?

He's an asshole.

Just a moment, just a moment.

The king of Thailand's an asshole.

You know that?

She's telling him what I said.

I heard.

Hello.

Hey, honey.

How are you, baby?

Huh?

Hey, yeah, the king of Thailand.

He's an asshole, and he's just going to go down there,

and he's going to masturbate the elephant.

yes have the crocodile and elephant show yeah the king of thailand's gonna go he's gonna jump

with the crocodiles and take his clothes off and say i'm the fucking asshole bitch king of thailand

motherfucker like that he's gonna yell it really loud he's gonna rip all his clothes off and start

masturbating the king of thailand he's gonna masturbate he's gonna masturbate in front of

of the elephant what are you need uh you you need to see the show yeah well i'm gonna go down there

with the king of thailand and we're gonna masturbate when you go this crocodile farm

yeah we're gonna masturbate in front of the elephant today yeah yeah today today

this has that show 12 45 have crocodile show and 145 elephant show okay do you have banana

Banana show?

Have the ticket, pay ticket, 600 baht for adult and 350 baht for child.

When is fucking show?

Uh-huh.

When is fucking show?

Fucking show.

Yeah.

When is the fucking show?

You know what I mean?

The fucking...

Uh-huh.

One ticket.

One ticket includes the show.

Have three show.

What company you go?

Do you know anything?

I don't know anything.

Hello, what do you say? You can see the show today.

I don't know.

Have the crocodile, have the tree show, crocodile show, and elephant show.

Start at 12.45, you can see tree show today.

day okay and okay and it's a good show how long is how long is the show 30 minutes 30 minutes

does the woman come out and show her body her body does she show it hello hello yes hi i was

calling about the crocodile show i'm calling about the crocodile show fucking that place is loud

Wow, that fucking place, right?

God damn it.

Yeah, I am.

And I'm looking to see what's going on is I'm with a documentary crew,

and we're going to be hunting an elephant and shooting it and opening it up.

We're going to look inside the elephant.

Yeah.

Next weekend, we're going to probably stay for five days.

So can you help us get accommodation?

Do you have a concierge can find where we can find an elephant and chase it around?

We're going to chase it first.

and light off firecrackers in here and be like,

you motherfucker, you, like that we're going to say to it on the movie.

Like, you motherfucker.

And then the elephant's going to attack.

You know, it'll attack us.

Yeah, I'm here.

Yeah, I'm doing drugs.

That's why I'm coughing.

Oh, for 20 people, let's say?

Is that okay?

Oh, how many people fit in the car?

Five?

Yeah?

Oh, wow.

That's stupid, you know?

That's pretty stupid.

I don't care.

I'm just wasting some time.

Oh, you phone me.

Hold on.

Okay, bye.

Here's someone about iPhone.

iPhone call.

Hello?

You have the iPhone 4 Flappy Bird machine?

Yeah.

Okay.

How fast is the machine?

It's not a machine.

It's the iPhone machine.

It's an iPhone 4.

Yeah.

Yeah, how many gibs is it?

60.

All right, and from that, then how many K does it get?

How many K do you get on, and does it have a YouTube computer?

Yeah.

All right, and okay, so it has a YouTube computer,

and then it has the Google computer, you know what I mean?

No, it's not.

That's not nice to say, sir.

Look, I just want to get Flappy Bird, and I wanted to get YouTube computer,

to see the youtube computer you know no and my friend said to ask how much how much the download

is and how fast the speed is and everything and the kilohertz he said khz he said kilohertz i

wrote it out like that kilohertz he said why oh yeah yeah you got nice you got nice underwear on

yeah yeah yeah hey why you want to um fart in your hand and smell it and then i'll do it first

I'll go there and I'll do it

Stupid bitch

Yeah that was nice

Motherfucker

You enjoy doing this?

Motherfucker

I'll talk to you later

I do yeah I do

Hey I command you to hang up

Cause I'm a tough guy and I'm gonna kick your ass

If you stay on the phone

I said if you stay on the phone

I'm gonna get like

My balls are gonna get big and I'm gonna kick your fucking ass

Your fucking asshole

hole you know oh so you want me to hang up i command you to hang up yeah okay hang up you

ready waiting good all right see you let me command him here's michael adam a woman answered

at michael adam it's the name of a department store hello i'm calling michael adam store machine

hello hello monkey yes hello michael adam michael adam who are you hello yes hi this is bill bill

Bill who?

Bill Riccio.

Right.

Yeah.

I'm calling from United Water Machines.

Are you?

Yes.

How do you want to speak to Michael Adam?

Well, what's he doing?

Is he sleeping?

No, he is in a cemetery at the moment.

Oh, what's he doing there?

Is he having sex?

No, he's dead.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry to hear that, woman.

Are you his woman?

Am I his woman?

Yeah.

Why?

Well, I had to put it here in the papers.

You know, so we don't make this mistake again.

Right.

Well, don't make the mistake again.

So you're his wife, his widow?

I'm his widow, yeah.

Okay.

And how do you rate the quality of the water?

Good, bad, or no opinion?

Water?

Yeah, the water that you drink there in the house machine.

Do you like the water?

Is it tasting good?

We do the water.

We're your water company.

You've got an American accent.

Yeah.

See, our call center, we've got a contract from your water company,

And we call from the United States

And we just do the survey

And ask all the information

So if you don't cooperate

We'll have to shut your water off

We're going to do it remotely here

Right, bye bye

No, come on, alright, I was kidding about that

I was just joking

But can you tell me about the quality of the water

Is the water tasting good

Or is the water bad

Yeah, well I mostly drink pee

You what? You pee? That's it?

Pee!

You drink pee? Okay

Okay, that's a good way to, yeah, that's a good way.

That's called recycling.

We do work on that also.

We've been leading Europe with the number one solution for recycling wastewater back into drinking water.

And United Water Machines applauds your effort, supports you in your effort to reduce your water footprint.

Okay.

Now, how many times do you flush a toilet after you have a bowel movement?

Do you ever have to flush twice?

Or do you always just flush once you go?

I said I drink pee.

You drink pee?

Pee!

Okay, but for bowel movements.

When you use the toilet, when you have a bowel movement,

how many flushes does it take for the feces to leave the toilet and go into the sewer?

Because we want to know if the water is working.

If the water's wet enough, it might be dry.

It might be a little too dry, you know?

And we have to adjust that here with the different salts that we put in it.

Okay, Ray.

Yeah.

It's not dry, like, really dry.

It's just a term.

Yeah.

It's an aqualogy term.

Do you mind if I go back to sleep?

Well, can you just have two more questions?

The first one I already asked you.

How many times do you commonly flush when you have a bowel movement?

Just once or more than once?

well come on this way we don't ever have to call again this will you know make this all stop i don't

believe this can i put that can i put you down for one can i put you down for one you can do it

you're right all right i'll put you down for one okay and the last question here is um when is the

last time that you uh ate and then how long after you ate until you had to have a bowel movement

it you know it's either this or i or i send one of our water people down there with the flashlight

and they're gonna pull their penis out and shine the flashlight on it and say look at this look at

this that's what he does the one that works in your area that's what he does which we uh we're

trying to fire him but he keeps doing that he goes to the customers houses and he does that he

he shines his flashlight on his private parts and he says look at this to the old women he does it

it's old women he's got a fetish for older women i guess like over 60 and 70 hello can i put you

down for two flushes one flush then right you said and i'll put you down for let's say like

three hours okay you want to go back to sleep did you fall asleep well actually she just fell

asleep i think old woman i'm just not dying are you dying everybody's dying oh since we were born

i thought you were dying or something you weren't everybody's dying you weren't talking back i was

scared is because you sound like you're real frail what are you like 80 something 90 90 wow

that's something you lived in the war you lived during the war pardon you lived during the big

war the war i did yeah yeah were you in the shit where you in the shit and what in the shit that's

what we call it like when you're in the front lines were you in the shit or were you in the

home front i didn't where were you i wasn't alive i was in vietnam i fought now oh yeah i was in

the shit there that was some real nasty fucking shit yeah so yeah that's crazy wow were you scared

of the blitz like the blitz and the planes would come back down and the germans you scared the

germans are gonna come and you know take out their peckers and be like hey look we're the germans

oh we're gonna have sex with all the women right it was a long time ago yeah you don't hate the

germans still you don't want to just kick them in the fucking ass now no no no no what okay what

What about the Jews?

Did they start that war?

Did the blue blame them?

Was that why?

I don't blame anybody for anything.

Oh, you're a German sympathizer.

You were a Nazi sympathizer during the war, weren't you?

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, you were.

All right, you go to sleep, honey.

All right, thank you.

It was good talking to you, honey baby.

Keep your head up.

Ooh, child, things are going to get easier.

Keep your head up.

Ooh, child, things are going to get right up.

uh keep your head up you know that song she went to a coma again hello hey you stay on the line i

want to call someone else okay i got a job to do here i got a job to do here don't go anywhere

honey baby are you dying oh she answered that last time thought she would this time i'm gonna

move for a sandwich you know nice nice turkey sandwich turkey some american cheese yeah hey

hey is that michael barkley yeah yeah i've got michael adams widow on the line here she says

she knows you she wants michael adams widow no yeah she wants to fuck what she wants to fuck

hi i don't know don't follow yeah yeah she wants to fuck she was alive during the war she's 90

she says she wants to fuck one last time you know like she wants you to be like a german on top of

We're like, fucking you, motherfucker.

Like that.

I'm not with you.

So how are you doing, Mike?

No, I don't think you've got the right place.

Yeah, Michael D. Barkley.

D as in dickhead.

What address?

Larchafield Avenue.

No, you're miles away from there.

10, Larchafield Avenue, no?

No, you're miles away.

That's bullshit fucking shit.

That's what I got here on the paper.

Sorry, what's that?

I said it's bullshit fucking shit.

Why?

Because the paper says that's your address, motherfucking shit.

Well, you see, ten years ago it was.

Well, you're full of piss.

That shows you're way, way out.

So you used to live there?

No.

What are you doing tonight?

No, you're way out, pal.

How old are you, big guy?

What?

How old are you, big guy?

What's that got to do with it?

I had to put that down on the call record.

Ah, you're talking shit.

You're talking your mother.

Yeah, you're a...

You're a...

You're just...

You're just a twit.

Your mother...

Your mother's a twit and a shit.

You got another call going.

What?

Yeah, because you're not...

I'm calling my supervisor to complain.

Yeah, you fucking shit.

I'm complaining about you.

I have to put a complaint about you.

Oh, yeah.

I do.

Why don't you cooperate?

If you cooperate, I won't have to make a complaint.

The fucking asshole won't answer, you know?

He won't answer.

I couldn't get him on the line, you know?

Oh, I got his old number.

here's his new number listen you better cooperate before he picks up because if not you're going to

be in big trouble when he picks up i'm just letting you know i'm trying to help you out

come on now it's hard as hell to get someone on the line sometimes you know i've been having a

hard time tonight there michael you watch the tv do you sleep with the tv on come on now talk to

me now yeah michael brady yes listen i've got um michael barkley and michael adams uh widow on the

the line and they're gonna fuck they're gonna be fucking you know you've got what i've got

mike barkley and michael adams widow and they're gonna be fucking tell me well they said they had

a list of people they wanted me to call let them let you know let them know that they're friends

and they want you to know they're going to be fucking oh well i don't know i didn't ask for

anything it's valentine's day so they're going to be fucking and everything tonight they wanted

it is they're going out for dinner for mexican food and then they're going very lucky then only

yeah all right has it been a while for you too i haven't had any fucking for like three months

it's been a dry spell i've never had that for over two years oh wow it's been two years how

old are you big guy 30 you're 30 nice all right cool what how old are you boy my age yeah your

your age okay my age is i'm 77 so you were 75 two years ago huh no 77 yeah but you were 75 last

time you got some fuck very nice that's pretty good you know yeah i'd be all right 75 getting

some fuck you know yeah don't you love women women are fucking sexy right they pretty women

Women smell good when they smell really good, you know?

Yeah, I'm an old-age pensioner.

Yeah, I know, but you remember back when you were young, you used to fuck a woman, you know?

Oh, it was okay, right?

Yeah, it was awesome.

I got my share.

Yeah, well, you know how beautiful women are, you know?

Beautiful fucking women.

Yeah.

Okay.

You know, it feels good to be inside the woman, have an erection,

and put your right member inside the woman's vagina,

you know, inside her vaginal entry?

Oh, I don't know.

I don't know.

I didn't think...

I was a seaman at that time.

I walked in the boats.

Oh, so you just...

I was a merchant navy.

You just jerked off.

I fucked an engineer.

Okay, very nice.

So you fucked an asshole.

Right.

You fucked some guys in the asshole, then.

Oh, I didn't bother with that.

Oh, God.

All right.

all right okay all right buddy hey all right see you later well hey he was talking about his

fucking and all that like with us you know because i was talking about it okay i'm uh gonna go out

and i get a sandwich real quick when i come back we're gonna have some more prank calls man

i'm so excited about the goddamn motherfucking calls tonight no seriously the numbers haven't

been really picking up very well but we'll turn that around hopefully hopefully i have faith

but when we come back we've got more numbers in scotland from lonesome loser delicious is sending

a number in mexico he's a big fan of my phrase delicious which i didn't even realize was that

thing i did until he pointed it out to me on facebook and i was like you got a point i do

say delicious a lot pretty gay um and we got a few requests of pranks there when i come back it'll

be midnight probably nah let me end that late give me like five six minutes all right we're just

gonna go get something to drink i gotta hop around so it takes me a while all right more

madhouse after this thank you yeah i do what i want when i want ken's here and he's here to do

what he wants i'm here to fucking yell at people hey man if they pick up if they pick up buddy

i uh fired a couple numbers into the skype uh messaging services machine did you for big

michelle and uh also the fucking uh jason david frank if he can get his ass to pick up has anybody

Anybody ever gotten him to pick up?

I never.

It's confirmed to be their phone because of the voicemail.

But after a certain point at night, they seem to turn it off.

One of those.

Living in the 90s, still with a cell phone.

Will you turn it off?

But yeah, it's still a fresh number.

Nobody's burned it yet.

Okay.

All right, good.

Do you send it to the business account or the Carlito?

No, this account.

But just in the regular messages.

All right.

I've got to go back to the messages then and find it.

Okay.

Baz is here.

Hey, Baz.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, buddy.

Good to talk to you, man.

Hey.

Baz, I got background sound effects if you want to do your...

I haven't heard...

Yeah, I got them, and I put a couple...

I put my chicken one on that same folder for you, and my goat noise.

I don't know.

Did you hear Tabachi's new casino one?

He sent in a new version of it.

Let me play it now.

This is chicken.

Not that.

that he said it to me right before the show i don't know why i want to do a casino one

can you hear that yeah good that's fucking dwight's casino dwight's casino

two input casino in the two input casino in little shack yeah dude i don't remember any

of those pranks from last night that i was was that with you guys last night i was on with turbo

and yeah you were there last night it was during the daytime no there was last night there were

some pranks i was on it was it was last night oh okay okay you were also on during the day

the day before that the day before that i was on oh yeah during the day yeah we had a lot of fun

with the chicken and all that yeah yeah yeah okay all right hey i got all i got really here number

wise um from lonesome is scotland so

tabachi said in uh request a prank he's got a bunch of

banchos that need a call oh dude that's right request a prank hello thank you for reminding

yeah i put those numbers in the skype in this skype chat now for you so you don't have to go

back and look okay thank you thank you i'm looking here there's a request for debauchee

um just found tickets okay yeah the person we had left a message about getting the uh tickets

uh really early in the show don't know if you know what i'm talking about you too

but they called back said they got tickets already so never mind the conference thing okay

care so carlita where's the milkman at i don't know i just uh i didn't get the chance to talk

to him today and when i tried to get a hold of him later he wasn't picking up i don't know if

he was sleeping or working or something yeah i've been playing phone tag with him for the last week

so um give me a moment i gotta i'm logged into the wrong email account for some reason so

it's coming up differently than i usually do let me give me just a moment please sorry

she probably won't even answer she's like oh that guy again hello that's i woke her up and made her

angry probably oh god well who gives a fuck we don't work on her schedule isn't isn't that the

goal for most of these calls right totally yeah wake people up and make them angry yeah and we do

what we want when we want anyway so hell yeah all right tabachi sending in a number here for a very

loud man selling wood snowblower okay woods brand snowblower gotcha yeah how much does he want

for it he is let me look at the ad let me paste it for you how about that let me copy paste a whole

bunch of this and put them in here for you now because uh fucking dwight's only gonna pay him

about uh 25 of what he wants just 25 wow dude that's kind of cheap uh we do we call a fucking

indian place uh a couple weeks back and i ordered a bunch of shit and uh asked for a discount

because i'm a hell of a guy and he gave me a 15 discount wow that's not bad i was like oh all

all right all right dude i want to tell you you gave me shit once but i know for a fact on this

show you said that you take you buy the bar as hot dogs at walmart and give them like a coupon

for something else and you end up with a bar as for free something like that and then like a month

later you're like bullshit i never said that do you know what i'm talking about i know for a fact

you've never gotten hot dogs for free at walmart no i know uh yeah i've gotten hot dogs for free

but uh basically you can manipulate the system by uh like if i had a coupon for anything bar s

uh if you buy like fucking hot dogs and say i had a coupon for like baloney or some shit it'll still

go through for those fucking hot dogs like the system doesn't recognize jack shit oh wow okay

and i've only seen it work at walmart but like a walmart is this your like self-scan thing like

Like you're scanning yourself, kind of?

No, they scan it.

But they don't pay attention to the coupons.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

All right.

$2,500.

I'm thinking $2,500.

I'm going to pay this fucker maybe $250.

Is that what he's asking?

Oh, yeah.

There it is.

Yeah.

All right.

$250.

That's 10%.

All right.

Dwight's feeling fucking generous tonight.

Thank God Baz is here, the human calculator.

Yeah.

Connecting.

Hey how you doing there buddy

I'm calling about you got the three point

Blower

Yeah okay

Can you tell me a little bit about this thing

I see the

Short description

Is there anything special I need

For my tractor system and shit

No it all works on a

Regular three point hitch with category one

You got a category one

Hitch on yours

okay so like uh i could hook this son of a bitch up to like uh my lawnmower or what oh no you need

something bigger than a lawnmower what are we talking about like what you need a tractor like

a 35 horsepower bigger tractor for that a tractor okay yeah i think i could do that uh my old man

he's got a bunch of old antique shit uh out there in the barn i think we'll be all right um let's

see here so there's nothing wrong with it or nothing that's in good condition everything's

perfect condition. It's only been used a couple

times, and it's always been stored

indoors. Indoors, okay.

Yeah, I see.

It looks pretty good.

It looks like a little bit of rust here and there

and shit, you know, but

from the pictures, but it's all good.

So, like he says,

you know, if I

was to bypass the

shaft thing, can I hook this

fucker up to, like, a plow horse?

Would this shit still work, or has it got to be

mechanical? It's got to be

mechanically you gotta use your power takeoff oh son of a bitch okay um so you're looking for

like 2500 for this yes uh-huh you're out in uh wankersville walkersville yes walkersville okay

i fucking i mispronounced it uh let's see looking for 2500 uh considering offers i really like

bar are you like bartering or uh uh you want straight cash what are we doing here for the

the office uh i do uh unless you have a local bank that's local right here that we could go

to the bank and tell us something out that way uh you know i got some cash uh uh and then uh

my wife's uncle was gonna fucking help me out with the rest uh you know he's planning on writing

that check though uh either that or i'm gonna try to get his ass to send it through western union

uh but i'm thinking uh i prefer cash yeah you know we we all do we you know cash fucking makes

the money go around uh let's see here uh i can offer you i'm thinking about like two thousand

for that son of a bitch um no i'm not for not for shaping it's almost it's basically brand new

i mean it's you know it's uh it's it's no well you know i i don't i don't like the way you're

You're trying to speed talk me here, so I'm going to have to lower the price.

I'm thinking more like $1,200 now.

Because you'd be kind of an asshole on the phone.

Do you hear me, you motherfucker?

Wow.

Very rude of him.

Very nasty.

Wouldn't even drop it $500.

Stingy bastard.

Motherfucker.

Let me call him.

Or you can talk to him again if you want.

No.

Apologize for me because I'm an asshole.

Okay.

Please leave your message for Jim Meisner.

Jim Meiser.

Living out in Wankersville.

oh shit please leave your message for let's just start posting craigslist ads i just want to do one

see if we can anyone come come back with something all right give me a second i'll be right back

you gotta take care of something real quick and a music song will play so uh maybe half of that

okay yeah is that good yep you have uh the pygmy goat babies all right here's dr baz he wants to

to do some experiments there you go thank you okay yeah how you doing yeah we're looking uh

we're doing some goat breeding experiments here so uh looking to get a pygmy goat so that we can

these other species uh well i'm sorry i mean i could use the scientific term but i'll use

layman's terms we want to let these other breeds uh fuck the goat and then we're going to examine

and the genetics of what comes out.

We run a...

Oh, man, because you said F-U-C-K.

Let me try.

We run a tight ship around here.

Layman's terms, you know.

Sure to bring it out of there a little.

All right, keep that going.

I got some goat...

Your call has been forwarded to an audit...

Boer goats.

Never heard of them before, boer goats,

but I've got an idea for that.

I don't know, you do your idea.

I like your idea, Baz.

I'm like the evil Dr. Scientist, Baz.

You want me to take this?

Your name and number to get back with you.

I got Dustin, who's selling a bunch of livestock, 40 baby calves, 200 feeder cattle, and 600 goats.

Wow.

Yeah, it's in Salem.

Let me post that there for your viewing in case you want to read that over.

Well, it's like connected.

In this case, I guess you can ask for a goat.

He has goats, yeah.

Calling about the goats.

You've got a lot of goats for sale, I see.

No, we have a sale barn, but the goat sale's over.

Oh, the goat sale's over?

Do you have any other livestock or farm animals that you're looking to unload?

You can what?

Do you have any other than white?

You got nothing left.

Well, I've actually got some goats.

You might be able to hear them in the background.

These fucking goats are driving me crazy.

All they do is they just make a racket all night long.

Can I dump them off on you?

Depends on what my car is.

Oh, I'll tell you what.

I'll take $100 a head.

I've got seven of them.

Depends on what the goats are.

Yeah, let's see.

There are a variety of goats.

Let's see, I've got Barbary.

Have you ever heard of them?

They're native of India and Pakistan.

I've got a Bagat.

I've got an Alpine goat.

They're from the French Alps.

I've got an Anglo-Nubian.

Those are good for fur and milk.

So, you know, if you can milk it,

and then when it gets too old, you can slaughter it,

and then skin it and sell the fur.

Let's see, I've got one of those fainting goats.

Have you ever heard of those?

Yeah, where are you located at?

They're kind of funny.

Honey, let's see, let me just see, I just, I'm here near Salem, Arkansas, on the outskirts.

You're on the outskirts of Salem?

Yeah.

Well, where are you at?

Let's see, I'm down on Crotchet Road.

I don't know where that's at.

Yeah, okay, well, you go down Whitaker Boulevard, then you take a right onto Crotchet Road,

and then you pass Boncho Drive, and then Gondou Lane, and then I'm just two blocks down from Gondou Lane.

I'll tell you what, call me tomorrow and I'll turn around and start looking.

You know what, these goats are driving me fucking crazy, man.

I've got to get rid of them tonight.

I've got a shotgun, it's loaded up, and if I don't get rid of them tonight,

I'm going to go out and I'm going to take care of all those fuckers pronto.

I've been out there kicking them and they're all nipping at me

and they're nipping at me and trying to bite me

and they chased my kid around the farmyard today.

My dogs are terrorized.

I mean, my dog got so scared he ran into the house

and he took a big shit on my bed.

You know, those goats are just fucking out of control.

You know, we have some neighborhood kids.

Yeah, we got some neighborhood kids.

And they came up and they fed these goats some methamphetamines

and it kind of fucked them up in the head.

You know, the blue meth.

Have you heard about that blue meth?

That's some bad shit.

That blue meth?

Yeah, these local kids, they came up and they ground up a bunch of blue meth

and put it in the goat feed.

never since then these goats have not been right in the head you know the male goats

what's that

holy crap you know the goat just fucked my dog i don't know what's gonna come out

now my dog's all ashamed it came running in the house with its tail between its legs

oh you didn't agree with that goat fucking your dog and making it all ashamed

that was really quick too like oh it's getting fucked oh now it's a shame

you just see the dog putting its head down like oh i'm so we're calling the international museum

of toilets in india hello hello is this international museum of toilets in india of

all places yes so all the toilets are in the ground in india right when you take a shit you

have to squat over you pull your pants down and you it's like a hole in the ground when you use

the toilet in india every toilet is like a hole in the ground right and you take a big shit you

have to pull your pants down on your squat yeah please don't know any number what hello uh please

don't know any number call this number please listen you do you have to do the scripture the

you know what i mean shut up you motherfucker hello yeah you motherfucker hello yeah motherfucker

Motherfucker.

You.

Please, not on the number.

I'm going to call again.

Five more times.

Just hold on.

Okay.

This fucking cat is back inside here making noise.

Ask him if this is where we go to fuck the cow.

Stop, you motherfucker.

Stop it.

I like how you're going to call back five more times.

Cut it out.

Cheat the fuck out of you, cat.

Ask him if you can come over there and slap some cows.

That'll fuck them up.

Slap them.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Yeah, listen.

I'm looking to hunt some cows over there.

You're looking for Hudson cow?

Hunting a cow.

I want to slap a cow in the face.

Slap him really hard.

And say, you motherfucker.

What?

I want to slap a cow really hard in the face.

Say, you motherfucker, you.

Yeah, I'm calling about the toilets you have there, right?

This is the toilet museum?

Yes, there's a toilet museum here.

Okay.

And so in India, though, the toilet, it's like a hole in the wall.

And when you go there, you take a shit, a big shit, you know.

I'm sorry, sir, but I'm sorry, sir, you're being abusive right now.

No.

What I need to tell you is we are holding a museum of toilets here.

That means that we have masterpieces from all across the world about toilets.

And in case you're interested, you can visit.

But I'm sorry, you cannot be abusive about it.

Yeah, but I want to go there and sit on the special toilet and use it.

I'm sorry, you're not a president of a country to do that.

Yes, I am.

I'm the king of Thailand.

I don't care.

All right.

I'm an asshole.

Thank you.

Okay.

Can we call them back?

I'd really like to speak to them.

Yeah.

Did Tabachi send you that number?

yeah he did i want to call him back yeah like give me a second i gotta play a fucking song

because the fucking cat not enough skype credit oh come on man was that a cell phone no it wasn't

what would i have enough i had enough before and i gotta pause the show again to buy skype

credit really it's bullshit oh keep pausing keep pausing keep pausing let me see if i got

let me see if i got enough to call other areas and call this the pause show i guess 19 year old

Sorrow Gelding Bender done that finished

head and heel horse. There's a horse

for sale, I guess. Something about

and goat tying. Okay, a horse

that does goat tying is for

catching goats. For sale, $2,000.

Just need to get rid of him.

Just need to get rid of the motherfucking

horse. I think that, Dwight,

you can help out. Yeah, fuck yeah, I can.

You know, you need to

get a cheap price.

Baz is over there with his goats and the goats are

out of control. They escape. They're opening

the doors they figured out how to open the doors should i cue up that uh goat track again yeah get

the goats going yeah tell them that you're down to your last few uh shells and your shotgun and

they keep coming so you need the horse all right here we go or do what you want i don't care you

know make me proud guys fucking goats are out of control it's up to you ken how you doing chief

i'm calling about the uh horse you got for sale what horse you got the horse for sale yeah the

The one that, uh, uh, we could do the goat tying and shit, he chases down the goats.

41.

What'd you say?

You trying to give me some fucking static there, pal?

What, Dwight's trying to make a, he's bitching about the time, he's like, he's from the fucking

UK.

It's 10-41 at night.

So what, right?

So what, are you asleep or something?

Yeah.

What the fuck's your problem, pal?

What, is it too late at night to make a fucking deal, you're over there jerking your dick,

what's your problem?

What the fuck's my problem?

Yeah, what the fuck is your problem?

God damn, what I'm fucking telling you, what the fuck's your problem?

What the fuck's your problem?

I'm trying to make a deal over here, you son of a bitch.

Yeah, well, fuck what you're trying to do.

I'm going to come over there tonight.

I'm going to slap that fucking horse in the face right on your fucking problem.

I'm going to walk over there right now.

Pop!

Right across the fucking face.

You just bring your fucking ass over here.

Sir, if you don't act right, I may treat your wife like that, too.

He stood up for that last little name.

One more time.

Last time.

Call me one more fucking time.

Hey, is this where the asshole's, like, trying to sell the horse, but he's not selling the horse because he's a cocksucker and bitches about the time?

Is that you?

Fuck you.

Who is this?

Hey, princess.

Hey, hey, listen here, flapjack tits.

I was talking to the man.

What, did he put you on to fight his fucking battles?

You said call one more time, right?

Yeah, he told me to.

He said call me one more fucking time.

Do you want me to try to smooth things over?

Yeah, apologize for me.

I'm a bit of an asshole.

sorry but the person you called has a no sorry guys that fucking one more time that lady sounded

like she smokes at least six packs a day who is this who is this the person you called has a voice

mailbox that has not been set up yet okay uh still working on getting skype credit here on the side

while you guys do pranks let's just set that up for that motherfucker right right hey fainting

fainting pygmy goat babies did we call this yeah there we go or is it what you mentioned i never

heard of fainting pygmy goat babies i already heard that the uh dew drop in is paying us

fucking like 8.99 a pound for those motherfuckers did you drop in is buying a straight up baby goat

babies cleans them right there in the back i'm not saying yeah he's fainting goats they're a

domestic goat whose muscles freeze for roughly 10 seconds when the goat feels panic so they

They basically just freeze up and fall down when they get scared.

Lazy fucking goat.

That sounds like it's fun.

I'd have a lot of fun to make them faint.

Yeah, you can sneak up behind them and go, boop.

Get drunk or fucking high.

You're just like, hey, guys, watch this.

Move, boogie, boogie, boogie.

Yeah, they're like this.

Yeah, I don't know, right?

It's like a Jedi, man.

Just fucking make them fall down.

Fuck, yeah.

Fuck them, too.

They're goats anyway.

They're low on the totem pole.

They're right down there with chickens.

Yeah, they're there for food and to amuse us.

Yeah, they are.

Charlie's going to fucking cook them up for us.

We have a luau.

Let's try Charlie.

Hey, why not, right, man?

We haven't talked to him in a while.

Charlie, he's a good boy.

He's seen that motherfucker in a while.

That and the fucking Turkish kitchen, they've had a fucking long enough break.

They're a bunch of assholes, Turkish kitchen, seriously.

I don't get much cooperation from them.

Faison's a fucking dirty girl.

But I'll call them.

There you go.

with Turkish Kitchen first, then do drop.

You want to talk to her, Baz? Sure, yeah,

why not? You have your way with the ladies.

Should I keep the goats

planned? I'd probably take them off.

Sean, can I help you? Yeah, I'd

like to place an order for a pickup, please.

Okay.

Do you got any falafel?

Yes, the platter.

I'll take the falafel platter.

That sounds pretty good.

Do you have any goat?

What? Do you sell any

goat? Anything with goat in it?

I know that's kind of weird, but goat is actually pretty tasty.

Hello?

I mean, there's some Filipino restaurants that actually have goat on the menu.

I'm not supposed to make a serious order.

Yeah, because that way I could have called back and canceled.

You've been really...

No, I was being serious.

I'll ask him.

Hello?

I was going to then get...

Hey.

Hey, hey.

I'm not saying nothing.

Hey, what are your specials tonight?

I mean, we want to buy some food, and we're not fucking around here.

Gone now.

Now, he usually calls back blocked from his cell phone,

so I'll let you know if I see a pop-up, we'll connect any unknown number.

Was that him?

Yeah, that was him.

That was the horse.

But usually he gets real pissed off and calls from his cell phone blocked

to curse me out, I guess, when he has customers there.

Shit, that's what he'll do.

I bet you anything.

He's probably going into the back right now.

Yeah, he's probably grabbing his cell phone.

Fire up his phone.

Yeah, you motherfuckers.

You motherfuckers.

Why do you not pick up the phone?

No, I mean, there's a Filipino restaurant here that sells goat, goat caldereta.

Yeah, well, it's actually pretty good.

Jamaicans.

Who's cock are you sucking?

Jamaicans cook up some goat, too.

Yeah, who's cock are you sucking in, you know, you son of a whore.

All right.

People are demanding Jason David Frank for some.

We could try him.

Post that number again?

Yeah, I'll put it in the bottom.

Hang on.

All right.

There's Michelle Ann.

Call Charlie.

JDF.

Try Charlie first.

Oh, yeah, Michelle.

Michelle, she means that fucking Happy Valentine's.

We saw the other day she was flipping out about some white boy fucking hitting on her.

Is that D. Michelle?

Oh, yeah.

Has anybody talked to her for a while?

I don't think so, right?

No, but we called the other day and got her answering machine, so that's still her number.

Okay.

If JDF answers, you guys are talking to him because I don't know what to say to him.

Okay.

You have reached CME.

I mean, that's his wife.

No, that's his wife.

Damn it.

here goes michelle how about charlie okay well no no no no wait oh shit because if i call michelle

it's going to be it could potentially be a long call if she picks up no yeah charlie has another

like two thousand dollar pepsi order heading this way yeah let's try to push him on that

all right so i don't have the name saved for some reason i have two 808 area codes

i guess i have two well one's his work and one's his cell probably well let's see which is well

we'll see which is this one

I've got Dewdrop in

I might have this cell

I've got them both I just don't know which one is which right now

let's see if we can't offer him a PepsiCo

you gotta work pissing shit into it

usually

that's the cell phone well the word pissing the work phones forward to the cell phone when he's

not there though he always does so it could be can miss but it sounded like it went straight

through you know what i mean charlie bray fucking changed his number these motherfuckers

motherfucker

fuck you

you son of a bitch

alright here's a business

we'll see if his lady boy

answers to do with the fucking order

yeah that new boy toy

hello

hey how you doing

is Charlie there

where's he at

this is Dwight I'm with PepsiCo

I need you to do the order with him

hold on one moment

is this Charlie

Sorry, my dad is here.

I can relay a message.

Well, I was calling to do the Pepsi order.

Oh, Pepsi.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

He'll be here tomorrow if you don't mind calling back tomorrow.

Well, I mean, I wouldn't mind calling tomorrow,

but the biggest problem we got is he's got a $2,000 outstanding order here.

You know, an outstanding balance.

We need to get this account paid.

Hold on.

Let me call him then.

All right.

Get him on the line, please.

Thank you.

Okay.

Yeah, thank you.

Get this past due balance taken care of

We're going to send people in there to shit in the middle of the dining room

We'll shut down the soda machine

He didn't answer

Can I get a number I can call you back from?

Very busy man, I don't have time to fuck around

Is there a contact number I can get a hold of this ass ass?

Because basically what my boss is telling me

He says if we don't get paid in the next two or three hours

We're going to have to come in there and rip the fucking soda machines out

He said we're going to have to come in there

He didn't necessarily say take them out

He said we're gonna have to like

Basically take a fucking bat to them

So they're incapacitated

And then there's gonna be like a $500

Additional charge to put a new machine in

I'll have them call you back

What's your name?

Dwight

When's it gonna be in?

Like so you got a cell phone I can fucking call

And get to squirt away with them or what?

You don't have a number for your fucking dad?

You playing games with me?

You covering for your dad?

Is that it?

We got fucking deadbeats over there

Don't want to pay their fucking bills

I don't like the way you're talking to me man

I don't like the way you're fucking treating my business

I got $2,000 of fucking product over here

That's been wasted

Not paid for you know

You're over there fucking jerking your cock covering for your father

You a fucking tough guy

Coconut head

Charlie's son sounds a lot like Charlie huh

I bet you look a lot like him

Yeah man

Better English

I gotta try to find Charlie's real Facebook page

He has one, right?

The one that Dialer copied all the pics from and made his own version of it.

I guess he's a big golfer, and his son's a golfer, too.

Golf, guys, golf.

You guys golf?

Baz, you golf with your scientist friends?

You smoke cigars and golf?

I've golfed a few times.

I've got my own clubs, but I'm not really that into it.

You're so awesome.

What about you, Ken?

I'm not very good.

Ken wrestles with his business associates.

You go out and wrestle?

Yeah, I don't golf.

if I fucking, like, take off in the golf cart

and make them run after the cart and shit after hitting their ball.

All right, here's a Play-Day horse.

Yeah, $2,000.

That's a good deal for a horse.

A roping horse slash Play-Day horse.

What the hell is that?

Ernie needs this horse for their fucking horse show.

Roping horse?

You mean that's when you throw, you try and rope it with a lasso?

Or I think it's for roping little animals with, you know what I mean?

Like, you ride the horse and you throw the rope with it.

Oh, okay, yeah.

You can do that with any horse.

Dude.

Yeah.

First one on one.

You just want goat nose on that one?

This one?

Yeah, sure.

Sorry.

But the person you called has a voicemail box that has no...

All right.

Here's a big and beautiful Greek goddess, busty redhead, lots of fun, in Praetoria,

South Africa.

All right.

Birthplace of civilization.

Oh, wow.

Oh, yeah.

I forgot.

Not enough Skype credit.

Bullshit.

All right.

While you're doing that, let's call Michelle that fucking whore.

That's right, Michelle.

michelle she hasn't been answering since i called pretending to be from her apartment complex told

her to quit running the meth lab and move the fuck out how long did that go for was that a long

conversation too no it was on her answering machine i'll call you back i'll try her again

that sucks she doesn't answer yeah that it's a landline it's her uh you know we talk over the

machine she should hear it too but what's up okay but what's up with the uh the cell phone what's

that she never had a cell phone no there should be a landline uh her caller id is broken she don't

know i'm an alcatraz yo

click call from alcatraz yeah yeah i want to i'm going to listen to that tonight i think after the

show i'm going to listen to me that michelle episode that whole hour long fucking thing

and then i'll and then i'll queue up the the ones that you and ice goose did ken right was it you

you and ice goose or giant yeah me and ice goose talked to her for like fucking three hours yeah

yeah i got copies of those i'm gonna have a nice michelle night tonight for valentine's day you

know what i'm saying yeah then goose and i called her one one night and we uh pretended to be a gay

couple we wanted to move in and she was very uh she was actually very uh um discriminating against

us really she seems kind of stuck up conservative probably right i i talked to one uh to one guy

he had a turtle and shit and i was talking about like his turtle biting my dick and whatnot

and we got him to actually call michelle and ask to move in he's like can i bring my turtle

she's like no why not because i make the rules she was getting all pissed off because he wanted

to bring his fucking pet turtle man yeah thank you i got her tweets and oh just oh my god her

tweets did we we did the math right that she's got to be tweeting at least four tweets an hour

for like the last three yeah something ridiculously insane this general store yes you got that meat

pot of meat food uh pot of meat food product machine what was that do you have the pot of

meat food product machine give me one moment do you have a man who can tell me that's some good

shit that potted meat i don't mind it my wife i put on crackers i put it on ritz crackers man

this is britney hey what's up britney what you do what you do is you take a you take a ritz

cracker and you put some potted meat food product on it and then you put some of that cheese that

you squirt out of the can and then you put another rich cracker on top okay like a sandwich

are you asking me a question i'm just saying yeah you got that you got that potted meat

products also called deviled ham do you have deviled ham can you call back in about five

minutes and i can let you know why because i'm in the middle of something right now oh you're

in the toilet i can hear the echo aren't you yeah i'm not yeah you are you're taking a shit

you're a dirty girl you take this i think she's changing her tampon on you're in the toilet

she's in the toilet i'm gonna call her back accuser of that now that potted beet product

also called deviled ham yeah like he's like no i'm not yeah right in the toilet busted

all right uh here's another general store same name like same business name i could copy paste

these a general store general thing can i take this one sure buddy here you go it's gonna be

the top one on this list and then we'll call that chick back remember we gotta call her back after

she's done taking a shit in the toilet and we'll ask her about that yeah carmen hey uh big carmen

how you doing this is david i'm just calling to see if uh you saw toiletries um sir we do

sell toilet paper if you want to come you can just come and no i didn't say i didn't say toilet

paper listen i said toiletries toiletries um you can come and check we're open 24 hours if you want

to come in ma'am time is money and and gas is expensive in case you didn't know that i don't

want to drive all the way fucking down there if you guys don't have what i'm looking for you don't

need a cuss sir um sorry do you have paper you have a problem you can talk to our manager

in the morning we gotta go i'm sorry bye here talk to cross sorry i was trying to get it in

for sure do you have paper ass let me ask her stupid girl doesn't listen yeah do you have

paper ass what was that do you have paper ass paper house sir uh you're the same person that

i just called it i told you to come in and look sir i'm sorry i'm carlos we're kind of busy here

right now we'll talk to you you can come in and look if you really want to know you're mistaken

she's mistaken i'm not that i wasn't the person i was talking before right baz it was you

that's correct i have the proof right here the the man right here best we are calling back toilet

girl close enough to five minutes i think middle this is not how may i help you are you done

done taking a shit in the toilet now hello yeah i called and the girl said the call back she had

to use the bathroom she was in the bathroom on the phone talking to me okay was that you

no just a second please oh her name's loriana oh bez you were talking to her not me right or no

who was i forgot was i talking to you and you were in the toilet what's that now was i talking to you

and you had to go use the toilet no i didn't have to use the bathroom we talked that was an echoing

i'm sure that's what you were doing you were didn't have to go to the bathroom but you were

We're like, what were you doing?

You were looking at your breasts, checking your breasts out,

see how they look today?

I don't know.

Is there a fresh one, that same chain that you haven't called?

Yeah, here's the third one.

The last in our series of Casey's General Store Incorporated.

Hmm.

Calling Casey Carey.

How would you like to hear our special as well?

I know that's all right.

How are you doing this evening?

This is Dwight Schmiegel.

I'm calling from the corporate office.

Oh, hi.

I'm pretty good.

How are you?

I'm doing well tonight.

uh what we're doing tonight is we're calling around to do a customer survey that we're

implementing uh throughout the entire company uh it's a satisfaction survey to see uh how their

shopping experience was in your particular location and what i need to do uh is speak

to a customer uh that's currently at your location uh so i can ask them a short 10 question survey

and uh what we'll do is we'll get their information at the end of the survey and

and we'll send them out a discount coupon.

Do you not have any customers in right now?

No customer.

Is this a low-flow location, or what are we dealing with here?

I'm sorry, can you repeat that?

Is this a low-flow, like a low-traffic location?

Well, it's at a time of night right now.

We don't get many people in right about now.

Okay, so like no drunk crowd or anything coming through there?

Nope.

I see.

Okay, like there's nobody in the parking lot about to come in,

nothing like that?

Uh-uh.

Okay, I see.

That's perfectly okay.

Okay, I'll go ahead and put this in the computer.

And let's see here.

What was your name again?

Josh.

And one quick question before I get off the phone with you.

How many fingers can you put into your ass?

Sorry, can you repeat that again?

Fingers in your ass.

How many?

That's hilarious.

It is hilarious.

So answer the question.

Your job depends on it.

He doesn't like that question.

I had the fucking corporate information all up in case he tried to question me.

Wow, man.

yeah i don't know what's going on i don't know why skype didn't automatically renew

every once in a while i get this problem skype's a son of a bitch i'm looking at the page this is

as description and it's there but then i gotta choose the subscription it just seems like a lot

of work right now while i'm trying to do a show at the same time plus i'm almost done anyway i'm

wrapping it up here to be perfectly honest raw dog it fuck yeah don't wrap it up uh here back

Back to Lonesome.

So you probably don't have enough credit to call those Scotland numbers?

I can't.

That's a problem.

I only got two cents left.

Oh, okay, yeah.

Here's some more of those general stores.

They seem kind of goofy there, huh?

Where is this in?

Iowa?

Yeah.

Yeah, Iowa.

They're kind of fun.

I guess so.

All right.

Call in the next one on the list.

Here we go.

Let me see if I can get us to do a survey.

We'll fucking get it.

I'm sorry.

Sorry, did you say your name was Troy?

Yeah.

Hi, Troy.

This is Dwight Schmiegel.

I'm calling from Casey's General Store's corporate office here in Acne, Iowa.

Okay.

And what we're calling around doing tonight is we've implemented a new policy where we're going to start doing some customer satisfaction surveys.

And what I need to do is, do you currently have any customers in your location?

No, not at the moment, no.

All right.

We may be able to just have a short conversation.

Maybe somebody will walk in.

But what we're trying to do is we're trying to gauge the satisfaction of the customers.

Right now, you're kind of hooked up to the kitchen.

You might have better luck trying the other phone.

You might have better luck calling the other one.

Okay, you say that's the kitchen phone.

I'm going to put a note in here.

We need to get you some new phones sent out.

That's unacceptable.

Just a moment.

connected to the wall uh you know what let me just have you go ahead and pull that motherfucker

right out of the wall talking to you on it right now i need it yeah i uh appreciate the thought

though oh no problem yeah this is uh david snozzwell on the line i'm the regional manager

i'm monitoring this call um i give you uh permission to go ahead and rip that phone out

of the wall uh okay that would discontinue this conversation uh your job would depend on your job

Rob, we'll depend on you not terminating this conversation.

Run that by me again.

I would highly advise you not to terminate this conversation.

Okay, that's fine.

Right now, I actually do have a question.

Okay, can you put the customer on the phone with Dwight here?

Sure.

Mr. Smeagol.

Okay, Dwight, stand by, please.

No problem.

Hi there.

Hi, how are you?

Hold on here.

Okay.

Hello.

How are you tonight?

I'm fine.

How are you?

I'm good.

This is Dwight Smeagol.

I'm actually calling from the corporate office to do a customer satisfaction survey.

And I just wanted to take just a few moments of your time if you could,

and what I'll do is at the end of the survey I'll get your information

and we'll get you a coupon for a free pizza or something like that.

Oh, thank you.

No problem.

I'm sorry.

How frequently would you say you visit this location?

Is this your first time, or are you a regular?

Oh, I'm a regular.

Regular, okay.

Go ahead and mark that down.

And I actually have my associate, Mr. Baz, who will also fire off a few questions here while I'm documenting your answers.

Okay.

All right.

Go ahead.

Oh, you want me to ask him the first question?

Yeah, you get a few questions.

I'm just documenting his answer.

He said he's a regular at this location.

Oh, yes.

Oh, very good, very good.

Good. Sir, what category of products do you find yourself purchasing most frequently?

Would it be dairy products or meat products or toiletries?

The location for I'm picking up pizza. I always come here to pick up my pizza. I never use it.

Oh, okay. Very good. Very good.

How do you rate the quality of the pizza?

One being the worst pizza you've ever tasted, ten being the best. Perfect.

Perfect. You know, we are considering expanding our repertoire of pizza combinations there.

We're considering putting in, installing a new Indian-style pizza, you know, with chicken tikka masala or banchoed and gandhu sauce.

Would you consider buying an Indian pizza?

And we also are definitely going to be introducing a game pizza.

So this is basically with game animal meat, like deer.

We're getting some moose coming up down from Minnesota.

Other things like pheasant.

Yeah, yeah, it sounds pretty good.

You'd have a lot of good key demographics here for like...

Excellent, excellent.

Okay, I'm going to put Dwight back on.

He's got a few other questions.

And some of these questions might seem off the wall,

but really these do help us with our targeting, our marketing.

and our decision on installing future products.

Dwight?

Okay.

Just real quick, on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the worst, 10 being the best,

what would you rate the cleanliness of this location?

9.

Okay.

Have you ever visited the restroom at this location?

Have not.

Would you be willing to go take a look for me right now?

No problem.

I just need a 1 to 10 on the cleanliness of the men's bathroom.

All right.

No problem.

Now, Mr. Schmiegel, I'm a little bit dubious as to whether or not we're speaking with a customer.

He'll have to be written up if he's trying to dupe us.

No, that would be a serious infraction.

Yeah, that would be a violation of ethics.

Not to mention the employee code of conduct.

I would have to say 9 or at least 10.

9 or 10, okay.

And also, I know they had mentioned pizza toppings during the last question.

There's actually been a couple more that we're looking at.

We're looking at quail.

Have you ever tasted any quail?

Quail?

Quail.

Actually, I'll take that back.

Yes, I have.

Okay.

And then we're having koala actually imported from Australia.

That sounds great.

And a little bit of emu.

Emu.

Can I make a suggestion?

Put some rhinoceros in there, too.

A little bit of horse, because you're a lion motherfucker, and you're about to be written off.

Motherfucker.

Excuse me?

You're being written up.

Excuse me?

You put your name tag on the counter and you fucking lock everything up and leave.

Um, who is this?

You just lied to corporate, you son of a bitch.

Uh, if this was corporate, corporate wouldn't be cussing like that.

Hey, we talk like this because you're giving us the runaround.

We're trying to do our jobs and you're over there playing fucking slapdick.

Yeah, uh...

I'm fucking playing grab ass.

You're sitting over there with fucking three fingers up your ass and you're playing games.

Yeah, you're the one that called here, and this is a prank call.

This is not a prank call.

We are Christians, sir.

We are a Christian company, and you're playing games.

We would never make prank phone calls.

That would be unprofessional, not to mention against the company code of conduct.

Unethical as well.

Now, you say that you're a Christian what now?

This is a Christian company, motherfucker.

Well, if it was a Christian company, then how come you're swearing and everything else?

And why are you asking for...

You know what? I want to share a little scripture with you.

Did you know that Jesus didn't tap, but he did turn water into wine and allows us to get all fucked up?

You know, no business.

Listen, I do my job a certain way.

They hire me because I get straight to the point.

I fucking lay down with the get down, if you know what I mean.

What's your point?

My point is that I'm a sexy motherfucker, and that's why they hired me in here.

My uncle is the fucking president of the company

And I don't have to put up with this shit

And what are you putting up with exactly?

Your insubordinates

I'm going to talk to my uncle

Who is the president of the company

And we're going to have a fucking conversation

About your insubordination

What's his name if I may ask?

His name is fucking Bob Barker

Bob Barker?

Yeah, and don't make a joke about being a game show host motherfucker

Because he doesn't like that

Well, I was going to say that is a guy from game

You know

Game show host

Because

You think

If your uncle was actually

The vice president of Casey

Then you would actually know

What is real

Listen buddy

Listen

By tomorrow

You will be fired

You will be jobless

Homeless

I want you

Your wife

And your kids

To move the fuck

Out of my house

And be gone

Get out of your house

What are you talking about

I own your house

You do

Indirectly

My

My uncle

Who pays your wages

Helps you pay for the house

he owns the house indirectly

so now I own the house

and you need to get the fuck out

first of all do you even know what store that you called

I know exactly what fucking store I called

ok tell me what state did you call

Omaha number 3

yeah that's right bitch

ok you got the right city what store number

number 3

there is no number 3

yeah 1030 we called you son of a bitch

you trying to fucking play games

I'm corporate I'm all in knowing

I'm like the fucking uh

the wizard in the wizard of oz

Because pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, you son of a bitch.

You're at 9905 Q Street.

Hey, we're executives.

We do what the fuck we want, when the fuck we want.

Well, you know, I think you can, but, you know, when you're not calling the right location, first of all...

You know what pisses me off?

I implemented the horse pizza.

That was my idea.

And you're not making it at that location.

You're fucking driving customers away.

I'm making what now?

You're supposed to be making horse pizza.

That was my idea.

I went through horse, fucking horse meat, horse cock, horse asshole, all of that on a pizza.

You know, if you were it, you, you know, wanted it in the stores,

that all the KC's would get the newsletter for it to start making it actually in the stores.

And then this way we could make it, but pretty sure that, you know.

I sent the fucking ingredients to you.

Your location fucking refused it.

What do you think, you're some rebels?

You would actually know the right location.

Listen, you son of a bitch.

I don't like your tone.

What does your employee know?

I'm working late night over at corporate.

Your phone call has been traced, and I will be calling the floor.

Really? Where am I?

Where in Iowa am I?

What's that?

Where in Iowa am I?

The GPS cornices are.

It doesn't matter.

You didn't trace me back to corporate.

Because corporate, over here, we have a trace buster.

and they're trace-buster-bustered.

Really?

That's how we fucking roll.

Yes, it neutralizes any tracing attempt.

If anybody can call up the case...

Sir, I'm going to need your ID number.

Well, for one thing, you're not going to get it.

Again, with the insubordination.

You also need your social security number, too.

You're the one that's being disrespectful

and, you know, cussing at me and everything else.

Sir, at no point in this conversation

did anybody cuss at you.

I don't know what you're speaking of.

Now you're, you know, now you're just lying.

So, these calls to corporate are recorded for training purposes.

That's correct.

And we're going to have to sit down with your GM and discuss your future employment.

We're going to have to look it up, chief.

You think I got all this shit on the top of my head?

Yeah.

Like, at all the fucking stores around, I got, you know, fucking managers and GMs.

I'm a very important man.

I don't have to memorize this shit, pal.

Well, you know, I'm just an employee, and I know all this information.

You are an employee who takes three fingers in his asshole.

Three.

Soon to be ex-employee.

That's right.

You can take that all you want, because, you know, I'm doing pieces for the rest of the time.

Once you're fired, you can't fit three fingers in your asshole anymore.

Only one or two.

Not three.

If that's what you're into, then that's your deal.

Three would mean you're important.

You're devoted to one or two.

your wife's gonna leave you what your mother will be disappointed in you she will fucking

disown you you'll be on the streets like within two days what does that chicken sound you got

chickens over there yeah it's yet another infraction this is not mexico sir i think i

heard him i think he's listening to some pornographic uh videos in the background too

i'm playing casino yeah casino game when's the last time you pushed your bowels sir

he's just sitting there i'm ending the show guys thanks for being on it was an honor having you

guys with me thank you sir thanks what's fun sir thank you thank you cad you guys take care now

see you now boys see you buddy all right bye all right and also thanks of course to mr lonesome

j loser who provided me with a majority of the numbers that came in today uh also mr tabachi

I think the major problem was Skype ran into some issues on the administrative end on my end.

My fault, not yours, not Skype's fault, but we had fun nonetheless.

I will try to catch you here during the week at some point, maybe not tomorrow, maybe early next week.

I'll do a daytime show, and then I'll aim to be here next Thursday night.

Happy Valentine's Day, folks, and have a good weekend.

Thank you.

The King of Thailand is Still An Asshole

Calls (23, 1 h 27 min of 2 h 3 min)

Transcript

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