I Am The Great Eagle

elevators escalators moving walks they're known as people movers and they're everywhere as you

watch it you'll not only learn about some of your system's functions and features but you'll also

pick up some very important tips you're listening to the madhouse radio prank cast all right yeah

it's carlito and let me get this right brad matt and turbo correct hi hi everybody collectively

actively say hi hello hi all right glad y'all can make it with me y'all can drop out whenever

you want jump in whenever you want i don't care uh baz is on also i think hey baz

we'll try we'll try to do this without talking all over each other

brian gets shy when too many people are on yeah he'll just drop out

i'm gonna use a urinal right next to him you know even if there's a whole row

see what happens yeah and act like you're peeking over turn your head but don't move your eyes

look i'm uh looking for numbers here i'm looking for a city anybody want to name a city that we

can call today um well i have a couple i'm partial to uh sacramento and boise boise all right

home of the albertsons corporation people in boise are just fucking weird oh there's chilicothe

Both Chillicothe, however you pronounce it, that one time, it's in Iowa, I think, right?

Hang on.

It's an up-and-coming city.

What about calling a ghetto?

I'm sure this place has a ghetto.

Let's find Martin Luther King Boulevard or something.

People in the ghetto don't pick up their phones.

Yeah, but the businesses do.

They've got finance-looking hackers that need batteries.

Watch this thing about Chirac, about them killing people, you know, all the young kids.

and I have the households interviewed in that thing

had the beep and spoke to Dexter

in this 20 minute thing

and I'm like you fucking god damn piece of shit

yeah I brought that up on a recent show

that's a big sign of someone

living in the ghetto who just doesn't

give a shit you know

you can't be bothered

they'll just live with the beep

they just learn to live with it

I guess that's what you do

does crack smoke set off smoke alarms

I don't know

Yeah, good point.

Yeah, but you're inhaling all the good stuff.

Deep in my house, they're like, I'm taking the batteries out within, you know, five minutes.

Didn't you have, like, meth-smoking neighbor's ones, Brad, or something like that?

Didn't you say that?

Wasn't that you?

Oh, yeah.

Usually, if you're in Albany, I mean, everywhere I live, it's a thing here.

Follows you.

Yep.

All right, I'm zooming in on this chilla coffee, and then I like to, after we strike out here, then we'll do Boise.

Boise sounds good.

All right.

Seriously, people there are insane.

I can see that.

It's racist there.

I can see that.

Ooh, here's a place called Simply Spoiled.

They're like no businesses in this town.

What is this?

God, it's Simply Spoiled.

I have no idea what they do.

It's a beauty salon.

Perfect.

If it's a white beauty salon, I'll ask them where the black one is,

and then that might be a good indicator of where we can get some ghetto numbers from.

So here's a good start.

The person you have called is unavailable right now.

Please try again later.

Not much for that.

Here's Griffin Flooring Installation instead.

that hey md stop making pennium processors i was so bummed out yeah yeah what did you

amd stop making pennium yeah yeah they don't make penniums anymore now it's been a few years though

yeah now they got the two the two 2500 you know linkski 2500 that's what they're making now

yeah yeah so i could get you like two of them i found they fill off the truck i think i want

three of those you want three of those and what are you going to use them for flooring how are

shove them up your fucking ass no i got a tablet that's got triple core triple processor all right

and what do you how does that help you out with flooring is that for watching your pornography

in the side when you're not doing real work no well i drop my drawings with it oh you put it

that much quicker yeah yeah all right what really what really pisses you off the president

oh no who is this oh this is cross okay who's cross that's me yes yes who's calling are you

you selling i bought a list of local people who need computers i bought it off this guy

lysol and i'm setting up a business i'm doing cold calling you know uh-huh yeah it's from oregon

yeah yeah you might have caught me when i lived there oh yeah you did did you know brad do you

know rbcp i'm not supposed to say his last name do you know him no you ever heard of him oh he's

a big guy in oregon brad say something i don't know what to do with this guy hi i'm brad i'm

Kind of a big deal.

Yep.

Maybe Matt can piss you off.

Matt, try Matt.

Hey, what's up, jerky?

Hey, shit neck, Iowa.

Where is he from?

Iowa.

You're a retard.

You're in Chilli Cove.

You're just insulting me.

I'm the biggest you could insult me.

I'm Norwegian.

Yeah, fuck you are.

You sound like a Norwegian.

You're Chilli Cove, Iowa, right?

You shit for brains.

Can I try him?

Yeah, go ahead.

Yeah.

Hey, man, you said he got triple core on that tablet thing of yours?

oh yeah i mean you heard triple process yeah they're all i mean you need that extra

do you need that extra processing power for your your uh homosexual chat rooms who is this anyway

because you ain't selling a thing to me excuse me sir i fucked your mom well i know that that's

why my youngest dog my youngest brother looks weird he's got fetal alcohol i took a shit in

the bible and i ate it like a salad hey man do you have your green card sir immigrants like you need

immigrants like you need to produce

valid green cards to be able to work

in the United States?

Brad's name is what?

I think you found out who you are.

That guy there is John, man.

Oh, shit, John.

I saw you in Kansas City.

I dodged you. When are you coming over?

Yeah, John.

The fight's on. John, fist fight.

I sound just like Wiedemann, man.

Wiedemann. Who, me?

Come on, Brad, a.k.a. Wiedemann.

Why don't you talk?

The jig is up, Brad.

He's on you.

I'm scared.

I don't want to talk now.

The jig.

There he is.

You said you were going to fight him earlier.

Shoot.

He tripped over his piercer.

You're a real big man on the phone, you piece of shit.

You want to fucking meet up for a fight or what?

Ha!

Don't have to ask, dude.

You know who I am.

But John will trip over his piercer, man.

Oh, oh, oh.

Who are you?

Are you some big-time celebrity out there in the fucking cornfields?

you piece of shit.

Fuck you, man,

up and meet us somewhere.

You keep hitting me

and I'm like,

oh, shoot,

come over on 80

and I'll meet you.

On 80?

80 to what?

What's the mile marker?

Mile marker?

Yeah, we're here.

Mile marker.

First,

you gotta get to Missouri.

Hey, give us

some fucking directions,

you tongue-tied motherfucker.

Big man on the phone.

Telephone gangster

right here.

Mm-hmm.

You know what? We're going to come over and we're going to roger you in the bum.

Are you?

Yeah.

You're going to have Peck Peck take your eyes out.

Let me try to hold this phone in my shoulder here while I keep laying my flooring.

What are you masturbating?

That's what laying flooring means when he jerks off and comes on the floor.

With this true floor computer.

You need to get better reception. You're talking over each other.

Hey, how many cores does your asshole have?

Do you jerk off to Bob Vila?

when we rape you.

Did you ever read Wood Magazine?

I don't know who you're calling.

Vague.

Oh, shit.

I think the only way he can maintain an erection

is by sniffing the sealants that they use for the flooring.

He's on the stairs.

I'll keep him there on the line.

I zoomed out of that area,

and there was a good number to call, but it's gone.

Here's Phone Guy.

Brad, this is right up your alley, Mr. RBCP.

Phone Guy, I have an idea.

The audio is all weird.

Yeah, I haven't tried.

I think we've got too many people connected, maybe.

I don't know.

Listen.

It's whenever I start.

I don't think I'm going to make any money on this phone call today.

Oh, no, I got money.

I got some money for you.

I'm going to pay you some money.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, I do.

I do.

I'm serious.

You just, you guys.

We have six in peace.

Sorry.

Corn, holy old lovers.

Listen to that.

Fucking place.

So, you're in Chilla Coffee?

How do you pronounce it?

He's gone.

Oh, he's gone.

Fucker.

Did he call us corn, holy old lovers?

I don't know.

I was going to call him.

he did i was gonna make a rude joke about uh the phone show to the phone guy but he's gonna pick up

yeah i don't know he's all about the money that guy and wouldn't i get angry

yeah i'm gonna retry the skype thing hang on i got an idea i'll be right back

pardon me he is i'll be right here okay we are doing pranks i'm just reconnecting skype here

for the guys to join back in i just logged in now go ahead and pull that up and get back into

to that conference

we were just in.

Many numbers

already dialed

so I was able

to do it this way.

All right,

Brad,

you're connected,

right?

I think I got you

already in Big Baz.

The other guys

will connect

at their leisure,

I suppose.

All right.

Okay,

I think I figured it out.

Yay.

We'll see.

See if it holds.

I'm just going

to name out things.

If any of you

hear something

you want to prank,

let me know.

I got a Sonic Drive-In.

We got a Walgreens.

We got a funeral home.

We got an agency

of some sort here.

Beautiful homes are always hilarious.

Yeah.

Or is it who?

I'm going to call United Country Graham Agency machine.

I have no idea what they do.

Oh, they do real estate consulting.

It sounds like a bullshit, you know?

You know.

Exactly.

Thank you.

Echo.

We're calling United Country Graham Agency.

Our office hours are Monday through Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.

and Saturday by appointment only.

Please leave.

Probably one person operation is already out right now.

Showing houses like a motherfucker.

All right.

Restoration services instead.

That doesn't work.

I've got Thunderbolt services.

Holy shit.

What the hell's that?

I don't know.

You mean you don't know?

Thunderbolt?

It says Internet Service Provider.

Because those are fast.

Yeah.

That's stupid.

It's the lightning that's fast.

And it's lightning that's a bolt.

Lightning is a bolt.

But it's a well-calling lightning.

That's stupid.

That's very inaccurate.

Yeah.

It's the lightning that makes the thunder.

Yeah, I'm trying to get a hold of them.

Exactly.

Making a little lightning.

Yeah, is this Thunderbolt machine?

Thunderbolt services.

Yeah, exactly.

Thunderbolt internet service machine.

What's supposed to be so fast about a Thunderbolt?

First of all, it's a lightning bolt, not a Thunderbolt.

Thunderbolt's pretty slow because lightning happens first,

and then you have to start counting to see how far away you are.

He's gone.

He's like another piece.

All right, I picked the wrong name for this.

Not the shit again.

How many times a day do you think dorks call with that?

Actually, the speed of light

Is quicker than the speed of sound

The speed of sound is quicker

I mean, Mach 1

Will never reach the speed of light

But Mach 1's been broken for

Decades now

Yeah, Mach 1's been broken for decades now

Will never reach the speed of light

It's impossible

Why'd I let my six-year-old son

Name my company

anthony jesus makes in the storms okay it's our secret time when i play in bed with you

to have a tooth fairy internet provider tooth fairy internet service or i'm a kitty cat my

two-year-old niece says that all the time i'm a kitty cat that'd be it all right here's the

i don't know if they'll answer hopefully they do this is the fraternal order of eagles

eagles i am the great reminds me of borat where he's like from the church of the hawk or whatever

though we worship the eagle the good bird answer yeah is this the fraternal order of eagles

that's what it is okay i'm the great i am the great eagle yeah i've come back i'm coming to

missouri missouri i'm gonna be making an appearance and we're gonna do the dark mass

The what?

The dark mass that we do.

We're going to do a dark mass.

Okay.

Yeah, a dark religious service that I preside over as the great eagle.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're going to eat bald eagles, too.

We're going to catch some bald eagles and fry them up and eat them.

Okay.

And then we're going to fuck some bald eagles, also.

We're going to fuck them.

Okay.

Yeah.

That sounds good.

And then you become Thunderbird.

Okay.

And a great bird sun sky.

The great bird rises in the sky every day.

Okay.

Yeah.

What's the fraternal order of eagles, asshole?

Hey, asshole, why don't you just shut up?

Can you other people join in, please?

I'm not doing very well with him.

Yes, I would like some...

Sir, I would like some membership information.

I don't like to call him an asshole.

I would like to join.

Would you prefer being called a...

Motherfucker.

Would you prefer being called a cloaca?

Because that's what an eagle has instead of an asshole.

Hello?

Sir, you're dumb.

You're a dummy.

You're an anus opening.

poop and pee comes out the same hole

well their poop is their pee and they fucking they lay eggs in that hole

it's like an all-purpose hole dude it's awesome man dirty fucking hole hey eagles

eagles are one input men aren't they your members

which inputs yours uh the two this is this call's been recorded is it being

oh do we sound do we sound good i don't think so are we gonna cut and this number is coming up so

oh my god it's coming oh shit no we're blocking it we're blocking it we have a blocking

oh yeah oh no not dealing with the eagles the blocker doesn't work when it comes to

christ this is john i guess i'll just guess we'll have to turn this over

he didn't say he didn't say what he's doing recording this maybe he's just gonna cut up

what we say and turn it into like a rap song or something like yeah thunderbirds coming out of

the sky fucking you right in your eye you know yeah you right now you ever heard a coin bird

what is the return what is it i gotta pull up their website i just want to see what what do

do they represent yeah like who are they associated with i've never heard of they're

kind of like the the elks or the yeah what do they represent the elks the moose the deer

he left he died he left all the money to the fucking moose too he's like a great like cousin

it was crazy he had all his money left to the moose they're all great space moose please take

Take my money.

Space coaster.

Great space coaster.

Well, their site is, here it is.

It's foe.com.

If you guys want to look yourself.

They got a pretty nice looking website.

Does it have like an animated GIF of like an eagle swooping down?

No, no.

It's got their home join donation.

I mean, NASCAR.

They got a tab for NASCAR.

I don't know why.

It's just NASCAR.

My dad's in the Lions.

Lions, you know, the Lions Club.

So it's probably like that.

You know, they're just a bunch of old guys that do

servos and stuff like that.

There should be an RPG strategy

game with all of them.

Wait, the Eagles were

founded in Seattle.

There you go. You might be an Eagle.

Really? Wow.

You know, we should call, are there

any other organizations in

the city that you're calling?

It's easy

to find out. I can just look up

fraternal... Oh, and they claim

credit for establishing

Mother's Day. Really?

Mm-hmm. I've never heard of those

fuckers. So they're, yeah, they're probably

like the

floral industry or something.

You know what I mean? I don't know.

You could call another one and then

tell them that, say, I'm with

the Eagles and I hear that you're poaching

members from our organization. Poaching.

I get it.

You're poaching elephants.

elephants or say we're from the falcons and we're taking their shit over yeah well it's fine i want

to mess with these eagle guys now now i'm interested let me find some more fraternal

order of eagles let's look in seattle let's find their uh their home their headquarters the main

the main nest as they call it probably yeah the fraternal areas i'm looking it up fraternal order

of eagles and oh wow they got a whole bunch of them in washington state they're all over here's

one you're gonna set this one out bass because you're from i'm up there in washington are you

scared yeah and he's all scared eagles because eagles are coming after you you're circling the

house right now we're from the crows bark with me hang on i'm pulling up another one what's

happening i i just got back you're back to the echo machine welcome back to echo machine is it

since i joined is it my fault what oh okay 15 i thought it stopped doing the echo it's still

still doing the echo microsoft ruined sky okay this number's not even connecting thank you for

calling monroe eagles if you have reached this message during business hours three to ten monday

through thursday friday three to two a.m saturday three the two a.m what the fuck are they doing

it's like probably like an old veterans hall that has a bar and shit

secret rituals or something in the middle of the night dark masses right that's what they do

Just infiltrate it and make fun of them on the air.

Yeah.

Record their secret ceremonies.

Yep.

And make up that it's some kind of evil shit.

The heck of it.

Yeah, it's whenever I start moving the map around, it does that.

And when I stop, it settles down.

Sutter.

You poor.

Oh, check my connections.

No, I'm not using port 80 or 443.

That shouldn't be it.

This is Mason Eagles.

This is Grace.

Hi, I'm calling from the pigeons.

I represent the pigeons.

I also have a representative.

hey can you hear me hi fucking shit yeah i'm calling from the pigeons you're calling from

the pigeons yes and also we have an alliance with the falcons oh dear yeah and we're not very happy

because you guys have staked a pretty big claim to this area okay yeah like we need we need

breathing we need breeding room and all that and there were some eagles picking on some of our

members recently at the town square of the pigeons they said for real yeah they came down they were

They were like, what the F-U-C-K are you doing here?

The eagle said to the pigeons, what the F-U-C-K?

And then they started swooping down and pecking.

Hello?

Yes, my computer shows that you're connected.

Who?

My computers are showing that you're connected still.

Yeah, what about it?

I'm with the pigeons, and I also have members of the falcons with me.

We have an alliance.

And a group of your eagles were in the park the other day,

and they were picking on us pigeons.

Are you there?

Fuck it.

Call them back.

stupid idea they're great obviously mason eagles this is great yeah i'm gonna put dr baz on the

line go ahead dr baz please yeah hey this is uh dr baz we have a problem you know with the uh

we're the we're the pigeons and some of the eagles are coming and they're trying to mate with our

women and it's basically creating hybrid strains whoa yeah i'll start it on that one that's hybrid

bridge strain fuck you lose we'll tell them that we wanted the eagles to make because they're

smarter so harvey birdman our attorney at law he called me a dumb son of a bitch

crunch an empty beer can after he said that they won't answer a third time guys sorry we'll call

different eagles then we can stay on this eagle pattern if you wish yeah sure we need to find

where eagles dare the path of eagle can i try dropping you zax because i don't know just to

see if that may be contributing maybe it's too many sugar tits sorry i'll go goodbye everybody

go away rapist go away let's see if that helps maybe that's it's my resources

all right a different fraternal order of eagles right right okay this one's in

Puyallup. Puyallup? Any word on

Puyallup there? Baz, ever heard

of them? Puyallup.

Sure, whatever, man.

Puyallup.

Everybody

from outside of Washington calls it

Puyallup. Okay. Anything good?

They got good chocolate there or something? What are they known for?

They got Break Factory?

Not really. It smells like horse shit

there and cow shit.

Break Factory.

Hello, thank you for calling the Puyallup Eagles

Marr can't be open, it's too early, right?

One moment, please.

Marr's open at 7 a.m.

Eagles drink when they want.

I'm an eagle.

The greeting should be cacao, by the way.

Danger.

She'd be like, thank you for calling the Eagles.

Cacao!

Hello, you've reached the manager's extension for area 2308.

Sorry, she's unavailable to take your call.

Area 2308.

Could we eradicate them by spraying some DDT?

Some DDT, yeah.

Yeah, soften their shells.

Melt their eggs.

Yeah.

All right, I'm going to do one more here.

I'm going to look on the West Coast.

Do you think there are any of these eagles over in New York?

Who knows?

I suppose.

I don't know.

I heard it was a national organization.

Like everyone else in New York, yeah.

It fit right in.

harvard eagles yes caca hey hello oh yeah i'm putting

in, Dr. Bazan. I'm sorry. How rude of me.

Go ahead. Oh, no.

It's quite all right.

This is the Auburn Eagles, correct?

Yes. I'm calling with the

Renton Pigeons. We've got a bone to

pick with you. Yeah, it seems that some of

your members have been coming into our turf

and causing trouble, stirring

up problems, being threatening

and hostile to our members.

I'm going to put my attorney, Mr. Robert

Turbois, on the phone.

He's going to discuss the pending...

No, you're going to listen.

Otherwise, there will be additional charges.

Hello, this is Robert Turbois.

I am an expert in bird law.

Target hung up.

Abort, abort.

I reacquired the target.

Yes, sir.

I'm putting my attorney, Mr. Robert Turbois, on the line.

I highly advise that you listen to what he has to say.

Yes, this is Mr. Turbois.

No, you will listen to him.

I am an expert in bird law.

Harken to my voice.

Hello, sir.

Cock-a-doodle-doo.

There you go.

He said

that the Auburn Eagles, I said that

was with the Renton Pigeons. Renton is

just like five

minutes up the road from

Auburn. Yeah, I could see that

on the map. Yeah.

Good stuff. Is the Skype call better?

It seems to be better to me. Yeah.

Much better.

Is that goddamn

limey fucking everything up?

I think it's just the limit is

The limit is three or four.

than it for me on my machine on this the one that i run my skype on it's an old laptop so

um i need to upgrade it i'm gonna you know i'm gonna take my wife she doesn't even use her

laptop and it's a little faster than mine i'm gonna gank that shit she just give her the yeah

switch it out she won't notice yeah she probably won't you're right i'm just gonna get it she's

always on her stupid kindle reading this one she's always reading the sex stories on the kindle the

sexual sexual things the bondage stuff oh yeah yeah that bullshit yeah she doesn't need that

many gigahertz for that and then i beat the shit out of her one time like oh yeah you want to do

that yeah we can do that honey oh yeah i heard spray is gonna put some erotic fiction up on his

bbs yeah he's starting to do bbs i got detention in high school for connecting to the bbs

So I'm one of the school computers

Face breakers

Does he really have a BBS?

Yeah

All the cool kids do man

It's like a hipster thing now

Your call has been forwarded

To an automatic voice message system

I'm going to start a retro thing

It's coming back like vinyl you know

I'm going to call my BBS

The Thunderbolt Realm

Nice

Thunderbolt BBS

It's going to have

all it was was smut jpegs and i'd like rotate them out daily because i used to just start

of sites where they have like cds and you can just take the pictures and do a batch download

while i'd be out all day and then be like all right there's new shit guys

here's a here's a bicycle place in a town called samamich you ever heard of that town there big

Big Baz.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

It just sounds funny.

Samamage.

Sandwich?

Samamage.

It's actually a nice, it's actually an upscale area.

Are there good sandwiches there?

Sandwich?

This has got to be a good sandwich.

There's a subway.

Yeah.

And they drove out the natives.

There's a Krispy Kreme there.

All there is now is one subway.

There used to be all these little nice sandwich shops.

Hello, this is Bikenski.

Yeah, you're in Samamage?

We are.

You stupid son of a bitch.

What's that?

Why that?

You're a fucking asshole for living there.

What can I do for you?

I fucking hate you.

You need to go fuck yourself.

We're calling for Miziqua.

Fantastic.

You know what?

You guys are dicks.

Dude.

Every time I drive over there, you guys think, oh, I'm so big, I'm so cool because I live

here in Sammamish.

Well, we're not going to take it anymore.

Sounds like you need a job partner because a lot of us got work to do and you're wasting

my time.

This works for suckers, Queer.

All us Amish people have jobs.

Blah, blah, blah.

You're doing real work selling bicycles.

Yeah, okay.

He's happy to be working.

He gives a fuck.

We get our food and shelter from the Great Eagle, sir.

The Great Eagle is speaking.

We're enlightened.

The Great Eagle opens his wide wings.

Sorry, he's gone.

I'll call him back.

I'm going to tell him about the Great Eagle's beautiful wide wings.

This is a clause like the next town over.

I bet when they play each other in high school football, it's a big deal.

The great eagle opens its big wings and its feathers cover you

and they protect you from everything.

Oh.

Trying to work.

I don't work.

That's why you hung up.

I got bicycles to sell.

Okay.

That's the only business I see here other than the schools.

Is there McDonald's there?

I thought there was a Krispy Kreme there.

Oh, come on.

Yeah.

But, you know, I don't know if Sammamish actually, I don't know, it's like where I live, I'm in an unincorporated part of the county, so my mailing address is actually different than the community that I live in.

Yeah, I hear you, yeah.

I used to have that deal going on.

I used to live, so I'd have to have the sheriffs come to my apartment and kick in the door with a trailer.

Yeah, here, if we call 911, we get the sheriff coming over.

Yeah, I used to live in unincorporated Orange County, and it was always, yeah, the sheriff instead of the city police, which is actually better because they were actually...

Oh, Orange County, Florida.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

And not California.

I blanked for a second there.

Nope.

There's two of them.

Yeah, I mean...

You mean?

Don't be mean.

How does the library not answer, right?

What library are you calling?

Sammamish.

Thank you for calling the Sammamish Library.

Press 1 for open hours

and location. Otherwise, please

remain on the line for the next available

librarian. I was going to say son of a bitch

library. That would be stupid.

That's all I got right now.

I'm really calling it in today.

Ask if they have 50 shades of gray.

It's okay if they take it to a restroom.

Yeah, that's son of a bitch library.

It's almost like he's heard

that before. Yeah, I guess so.

Alright, you guys, do the book one.

Just ask for a dirty book.

As for, like, you know, fuck you, motherfucker, like I do sometimes.

It's a mammoth library.

Yeah, do you have the Fifty Shades of Grey book?

Do we have Fifty Shades of Grey? Let me take a...

Son of a bitch.

You sound like Sulu, sir.

I do.

You sound very erotic.

Do you think you can read that erotic fiction to us?

Read what you're reading right now. Read it out loud.

You know, it's bullshit that Sulu never got his own series.

I'm just saying, man.

and you know it's good that you're working in a library at your advanced age uh yes i'm sorry that

i said son of a bitch library to you okay when you hung up before i'm sorry oh no that's not

why i hung up it didn't sound i'm not coming oh wait a minute i actually didn't sound like

anybody was so you're coming you're not like oh fuck yeah you said you are coming or not i thought

he said he was coming that's what i thought sir um actually i had a question uh regarding that

that book are you allowed to take uh reading materials into the restroom at the library

i i mean not we can't we're not we don't check so i mean i don't want to actually check the book

out i just want to take it into the restroom and read it there and no i think that's probably

maybe do maybe do some maybe do some other things because it's a yeah it's a dirty book

i fraud with the book it's an erotic book i do frauding

check it out and then go in the shitter with it just tell me you want to check it out

hillock has experience with this game

yeah i have two yeah that's not a normal thing library yeah do you know what frotting is you

know what that act is that's where when you rub penises together it's frotting so i do that with

the book i opened the book and i put my penis in and i wrote it back and forth i had to get it out

real fast or sulu oh my all right the international society for krishna consciousness is right down

the street wow sure they're gonna be super peaceful and nice yeah asshole probably yeah

they probably aren't gonna get real yeah i will give you ten dollars to anybody if uh you can get

get them in the piss be pissed off i will send you a money order for ten dollars if you get one

of these guys to yell or curse sounds like a challenge for matt 20 for cursing and 10 if they

get upset hey shithead

who are you idiot to fucking yell at you want to yell at you you piece of shit

You're a bunch of...

Hey, stupid.

You lost a bet.

You're a cuss.

You lost a bet.

What the fuck?

They're chanting.

Who is it?

Arsehole.

Hey, why are we like...

Array cunt.

We're calling a pump room.

Are you in the pump room?

he's taking a dump

he's taking a shit

stupid

hey stand up for your fucking religion

you piece of shit

huh?

stand up for yourself

I can't hear you buddy what's going on

I'm trying to upset you

I'm trying to get you to get angry

okay I'm gonna hang up the phone okay

cause I don't know what you're talking about

Hare Krishna

Hare Krishna he said yeah see

see yeah i thought you were gonna get that him to yell he sounded like he was just a trainee

he sounded like a trainee he's like i still got the anger you know dude i think i need to go

be a harry christmas motherfucker but here's a peaceful yeah well this is hello it's like

calling the philippines like hello no offense bass no hey you know that she wants you to bring

you're the one with the wife that's filipino right yeah all right so yeah andy the guy that

started the show with me my best friend andy you know florida yeah armor randy yeah he he's in the

philippines now to meet the girl that he met online and he's gonna marry her and bring her

over to get her citizenship all right yeah he uh he did the he pulled the baz i'm a little worried

about him well well no i didn't uh i didn't go that route no i met my wife here oh yeah well

Well, yeah, well, he went.

He's like, I'm going to go over there like a pervert, you know.

He got that coconut fever.

I kept telling him he was a pervert.

He's there now.

Usually older men do that, like the older American gentleman.

Yeah, exactly.

Marry a young Filipino and bring her back.

Yeah, with disposable income.

But he's a young guy in his 30s, young 30s.

Well, he's, what, two, I think he's like a month younger than me.

And, yeah, he's in the union.

And he decided he wanted a mate.

He's a weird guy like that.

He would never talk about girls he hooked up with me.

No, he was like, no, no, I don't want to talk about it.

I thought he was gay for a while because he never wanted to talk about it.

Hey, Carlito.

Hey, buddy.

I got you one.

My name is Carlito.

Please give me a number and we'll get back to you if I can.

Thank you.

Yeah, right.

Okay.

No answer from the dog training down the street there.

And as we explained earlier, Matt and the rest of you lost a bet.

where you could have won ten dollars yeah matt you owe uh carlito ten bucks now you owe me ten

bucks whatever mail that off today whatever yeah they found it right now

ten dollars worth of art checks in the mail rock meadow equestrian open a checking account of

suspected fraud and ask you okay you can western union it to him if you got any gift cards lying

from christmas time you can send those to me ten dollars to starbucks that you never go to

all right rock meadow equestrian center all about horses you know i'm gonna have to go into that

sammamish library and and see if that guy actually looks like sulu yeah he's got to be asian at least

right yeah i mean that's actually not that far away thank you for calling rock meadow equestrian

center located in sammamish washington we're sorry but no one's in the office right now to take your

I'm sorry, too.

Could have stars.

Yeah, they could have.

For a moment, they could have gotten some free publicity, but nope.

I mean, I drive through Sammamish when I'm on my way to...

Do you guys have REIs on that part of the country?

Yeah, it's like shit.

Climbing, hiking, camping.

So I have to drive through Sammamish to get to the closest REI.

So you drive and you pass the Krispy Kreme, I'm guessing, off the highway?

Because I just found the Krispy Kreme here.

yeah is it near uh i-90 uh yes it's right off of i-90 yeah all right cool yep all right i'm

calling that crispy cream right now as a matter of fact is it a real crispy cream because they're

the ones where they actually make the donuts and then they're the ones where they don't make them

they just kind of drop off they actually make them there oh you have the hot donut light that

they can put on when the donuts are hot that's what's up and the shitty coffee but that's where

you get because i hate them like you go to target sometimes and they got crispy cream and it's it's

a day old and it's yeah no no this is not the same real day old real krispy kreme yeah real

krispy kreme store good well here it is got to get them fresh sign yeah you're right that's a

company that over calling krispy kreme the krispy kreme drive-thru and lobby are open from 6 a.m

to 11 p.m on sundays and 5 a.m to 11 p.m monday through saturdays for directions please hold a

moment physical krispy kreme this is sandra yeah i need to buy a bag of coffee okay yeah do you

guys have the bag yeah we have the 12 ounce bag yeah it's like the big bag right for the whole

office uh no we have a 12 ounce bag a coffee okay 12 ounces yeah and does it have like uh

where the coffee comes out can i attach something to that attach it no it's just a little 12 ounce

bag all right because i want to try to like you i have one of those fucking shit you know i got a

one of those hand vacs in my car you know like the battery powered vacuums for cleaning up the

messes in the car in my van here and i really need to get like a coffee enema so i'm going to

connect it put in reverse it's got a reverse button that blows out to clean out the crevasses

you know yeah we don't have anything like that well i do i'm saying i've got a vacuum

vacuum that goes in reverse and it has a tool that gets the crevasses off uh the dust out of

the crevices on my dash it's like a tube right so i'm gonna connect your bag of coffee into the

hand vac and it's gonna go up my asshole oh okay yeah good job with that well do you think that'll

work that'll work out i don't think it'll work but maybe you can call another store and see if

they have it i could just put the bag in my ass and squeeze or will that work what temperature

or does your coffee come out?

I'm sorry, but we can't help you with that.

I command you to answer the question.

I like how she told you to call Duncan, though.

Hey, Tom and Guy just need to add him to the contacts.

Thank you for calling Krispy Kreme.

It's the Krispy Kreme drive-thru.

Hold a moment.

So they just have the powdered coffee for sale,

but it's liquid coffee.

It's the Krispy Kreme.

Yeah, listen, what I'm saying is I'm in a van.

I'm driving to work.

I'm on I-90.

I'm sorry, we can't help you with anything.

I just got to get that coffee.

I need to get it out of my asshole.

Come on.

I just can't help you with bodily parts.

Like some businessman driving in a van,

all of a sudden, I got to get coffee in my asshole.

Oh, there's a Krispy Kreme. Let me call.

There's a Starbucks right next door. Let's call them.

She's happy selling

donuts to get people

diabetes and get their feet cut off.

Yeah, like me.

Or a Starbucks. Come on.

I can't eat the Krispy Kreme donuts anymore.

They're just too fucking sweet.

Yeah, they're like cake with sugar, man.

It's like they're in syrup almost.

It's crazy.

I wish they would make a sugar-free...

Someone would make a good sugar-free donut.

I've never had a sugar-free donut.

Glazed donut.

It's impossible.

You can't make a sugar-free glazed donut.

Unless they come out with the perfect sugar replacement.

What do you think?

It's a perfect night.

How can I direct your call?

Yeah, is this a Starbucks?

I thought you wanted to meet at the Starbucks.

Well, who are you?

Who are you, the concierge or something?

Customer service desk.

For what?

You're the Starbucks customer service?

You're confusing me.

Sorry, what was that?

You're breaking up.

Oh, you're in a friend-meier, is it?

I'm trying to get a hold of...

I'm trying to call Starbucks.

Who are you?

How did you...

Starbucks?

Why are you on their phone?

I don't know.

Let me transfer you there.

What are you doing on their phone?

This is the customer service desk.

Yeah, but this is Starbucks' phone number, not Fred Meyer.

Who's Fred Meyer?

Who is that guy?

Why is he connecting to the Starbucks?

Who does he think he is?

that he's taking the line rbcp is a big fan of fred yeah why is there some other guy answering

the phone over there nobody's answering the phone it just it's just some guy was like oh i'm my name

is fred fred meyer i'm like i'm looking for starbucks asshole like that i said oh i don't

know it's the first time i got a phone call here they must have i don't know that's weird i'm i'm

traveling to washington you know i'm in my rv you guys are up the road you guys are off a 90 right

right by the crispy cream uh yeah well there's two starbucks there's one in the parking lot

fucking shit man what are you which was the better one we're both good i'm not too sure

oh yeah are you good we do a pretty good job here i think we're good we're inside fred myers

yeah are you good i like to think so oh yeah me too hey listen so maybe you can help me out big

girl what i'm looking for i need a large i'm i need real needed coffee in my asshole like a

a coffee animal you know and i already talked to crispy cream and they said they have a bag of

coffee but they won't give me any they won't sell to me now because i told them what i was going to

do with it so do you guys just do cups or do you have like a large amount for like offices like in

a box or a bag or something no you have to go to the um the starbucks in the parking lot and what

do they do though shit shit damn it what do they do what do they can sell to you by quarter pound

half pound, whole pound, two pounds.

Two pounds of coffee right in my

asshole then? Like, it's got to be brewed,

you know? Sure, that's right, yeah.

Can you guys put a few cubes of ice in it

too? Say again?

You can put some ice cubes in it too?

Um, sure. Okay, alright.

Anything else for you?

Hey, this is David.

I'm his brother-in-law.

I'm traveling with him. We're on a family vacation.

And he's

been complaining of

of digestive distress for about the last 200 miles,

so we really need to get this done.

Will they insert the tube into his anus through the drive-thru when we pull up?

Probably not.

You could ask them.

I'm sure that would be interesting, but probably not.

I mean, because we need to get this done because he's stinking up the whole damn RV.

Oh, I bet.

Yeah, I mean, it's nasty.

Oh, yeah, I wouldn't even want to be in there with you.

Yeah, then he clogged up the, you know how the RVs, they have the toilet in them?

He clogged it up with shit.

There's shit everywhere.

You sound fucking hot.

Oh, man.

You know, you sound real sexy.

Well, thank you very much.

I have a line of people here that like you.

Yeah, would you like to join us?

Would you like to join us in the RV?

We'll park.

Nice little ass.

You know, I get caught in the public really easily,

but thank you for the offer.

Yeah.

I mean, we could spray some air freshener in the toilet.

Yeah.

No, I'm good, so thank you.

You ever heard of the Fraternal Order of Eagles?

So you guys have a nice day.

Have fun, and don't get in trouble.

okay she kind of rocked yeah she was kind of nice yeah she was like you guys have a good day

vaguely amused go over there have an affair with her badge go do that and let us know what's up

go over there have an affair with her and let us know what's up yeah what's up okay yeah we'll do

like okay no no thank you i don't need that drama brad you still here you okay buddy hi carlito hey

Hey, big guy.

I'm still here.

He gets shy when there's more people, like I said earlier.

I've been blushing nonstop for an hour now.

He's been blushing nonstop?

Yeah.

Because he's embarrassed and shy.

All right, here's the boarding house.

Strangers surrounding people.

Amagachi means to be added to your contacts.

I don't have his contacts yet.

He didn't send me a contact request.

Did you send him the right one?

He didn't send you a contact.

He's typing to me.

Make sure you're sitting on the right one

Thanks Brad

See who's got 21 here

That's what you make

Son of a bitch

Hey

What's his face

Ed Rosenthal

I'm Ed Rosenthal

Let me put you on my way

Oh no dear how do you do

Thank you Tabachi

For derailing the show

Always a pleasure

there. They'd say, I'm like, let me

plug with that.

She's a darling little thing.

Good. I'm looking for another town.

I'm tired of Seattle. Sorry, Baz.

We're moving away from there. South Carolina.

South Carolina.

South Carolina wins.

If you want some numbers, I got a couple

this morning. Okay, cool. What are

they? They're

haircut.

Very nice.

Pasting them now. Thank you.

What time is it in Singapore?

before it's probably i don't know i'm sure google will tell you you can go to google

we called this apartment in singapore yesterday we asked for a random room 305 and the guy ended

up telling us the name of the person that uh is renting that room and that they're a group of

thai gentlemen but i don't think their office will be open right now we should try we should

also try to find my friend andy in the philippines find him and then give him a hard time and make

can break up with his girlfriend his fiancee all right so ralph wants a he wants a haircut for a

senior no no no he they all got haircuts today sweet oh yes he's a senior who got a haircut

okay you know the thing with uh the these big franchise haircut places is they always push

i don't know if you notice but they will call you a lot if you ever go to them for surveys

and uh every quarter like for every region whoever gets the i think it's once a year

or whoever gets the highest on the surveys

gets a cruise for the whole staff.

Or I think for like the whole state.

For a whole region, but the regions are massive.

Whatever it is, I always get real excited about the surveys.

So this is funny that you got this.

Okay, Big Ralph, a senior

hair...

How do you do that? How do you do this?

Shave it. No guard.

It's crazy. And you just let it grow out and then

do it again? Yeah, it

was long.

I used to shave, like, I did, like, I just had it grown out at the top, you know?

So I used to just shave it around there.

Brad, do you want Ralph?

Ralph, you want to do one?

Ah, whatever.

All right.

Do one, do one, because you're going to...

Okay.

Tell her she should have bought the shampoo, too.

She should what?

They put shampoo on you, too, at this place all the time.

Like, don't you need shampoo?

Do you hang out in the left shitty Erica place?

Hello?

Hi, is this Marsha?

Hello?

Oh, is this Marsha?

Yes.

Hi, you had a haircut here at our location this morning?

Yes.

And got the gift card and everything?

Yes.

I'm the manager.

my name is kevin and um i just wanted to apologize for uh what the lady did to you

well she didn't do anything wrong i mean well i think she was hiding it from you she was uh

she was doing the like saying these incantations like satanic witchcraft things while she was

cutting your hair and doing these hand motions and stuff and we don't normally uh we don't

support things like that we didn't know she's doing that where are you calling from uh we're

We're at the location here.

You were here earlier in Hardyville?

River Crossing?

I'm sorry?

River Crossing.

Yes.

And I don't think she did anything wrong.

I think she's hiding it from you.

You know, like when you weren't looking and she's just saying these incantations under her breath.

And, you know, we caught her in the back room, like, making pentagrams out of moose and stuff.

Okay.

And it's like, seriously, it's got to stop.

We're trying to.

but you know i i think she might have done like a hex on you okay basically i think you're a child

of satan now oh yeah fine okay but i just wanted to apologize for that not a problem and i can put

the district manager on if you want and he can um maybe set you up like he can increase the value

of the gift card that you bought maybe no i'm fine she i i just you know yes hello i'm the

district manager before you go real quick i just wanted to get out we're really sorry

She's Wiccan, you know, and she did this to one person already.

She had a coconut, and she had it, like, behind them,

and she made, like, a little figurine,

and she was doing the incantations, everything like that.

And then after that, that person fell down and broke their ankle really bad,

and they're going to be out of work for, like, five months.

She did it on purpose.

Well, I don't know whether this is a hoax call or not.

No, it's not.

But I did not have a problem with the girl this morning.

And the fact that you came in with an unknown number

number makes me very suspicious.

Well, it comes up as different numbers.

We never know which one it comes up as.

We're from a corporate office.

We're the corporate people from the machine.

You understand?

Marcia, she made a voodoo doll with your hair.

Yeah.

She cut a lock of your hair in the back that you can't see.

And she was in the bathroom.

She was masturbating with it.

Like, she was masturbating.

She was sniffing it, smelling it really deeply.

And what do you want me to do about it?

Well, she also started, she made a soup.

She mixed it with ramen noodles and put it in the microwave with water.

and salt and it made like a soup with her hair and she drank it she passed it around to all of us

she made us all spit in it and then she said we all i don't believe i don't believe any of this

she said none of us you know unless you want to give me a number that i can call back and confirm

with corporate i don't believe any of this and you're not going to scare me um you know i'm not

going to deal with this she said no one could leave until they drank the soup at the end of

the day i'm telling you i'm hanging up okay i'm just warning you you need to drink the soup

and put a period blood stew?

Does that make the soup?

You could say that's the only way

to get rid of the curse is to drink the soup.

Drink the soup.

She boiled

over ramen noodles.

What the fuck?

Satanic incantations.

I'm the moody doll waiting to talk to you.

Hi, Tabachi.

Hey, Tabachi's here, everybody.

Let's try Big Ralph again.

Big Ralphie.

I think Ralph will be more

or gullible all right oh because he's senior because yeah of course yeah and his name is ralph

look at what your mouth does when you say that name ralph is that little hello yeah where's big

ralph at who's calling uh i'm calling from the hair place machine he came in earlier today had

a senior haircut we had okay we had we had some news for him about the haircut we wanted to

apologize oh okay hold on okay honey you're hearing it in honey hello hey buddy how are you

Who is this?

I'm calling from the haircut place.

You came in today.

You had the senior haircut.

Yeah.

Thanks for coming in.

Listen, I want to apologize.

We reviewed the tapes.

There was a complaint about the person who cut your hair.

No, I had no complaint.

Well, someone complained after you left.

And we reviewed the tapes, and we saw that the person, they cut your hair.

She left you with a bald spot in the back of your neck.

Like, she cut off an extra piece, like a big patch of hair on purpose.

So you have, like, a poof.

Now you have like a poof, a poof in the back of the head now.

She ruined your hair.

Are you sure you're calling the right person?

Yeah, this is Ralph.

Yeah, when she did your senior haircut and she cut it wrong on purpose,

she left you with a big triangle bald patch in the middle in your back of your head.

Can you see it?

Hang on just a minute.

Yeah, that's what she didn't want to show it to you,

so she didn't give you the full view in the back like she should have.

And I said, why didn't you do it like you're supposed to?

And then I reviewed the tape.

And she was saying, like, I did it on purpose.

I hate old people, she said.

And I wanted him to look stupid, she said.

Okay, come here.

Okay.

Is there something wrong in the back?

Nothing I can see.

He said there's a ball spike.

There's a poof, a poof, a poof.

No, no.

My wife's just checking.

She says she didn't see anything.

There's a poof.

Tell her it's a poof.

A poof?

He said there was a poof in the back.

A poof poof?

Who was it that cut my hair?

What was her name?

Well, we kind of can't give it out.

She's licensed, I can tell you that.

And if you come here, you can talk to her.

But we're not allowed to give that information because of the sexual predators and stuff like that.

It's a hippo.

Hang on just a minute.

Hippo, yeah.

He said his wife, did she miss?

No, she did it on purpose and she said, God damn it, like that.

God damn it.

Son of a bitch.

No, my wife is checking the back of my head and everything and she said, everything is fine.

Yeah, because she does satanic rituals with the hair.

She makes a lock of it, and she's going to, like, go to the bathroom.

She masturbates with the hair.

She smells it and all that.

And then she makes a soup with the hair at the end of the day from the floor.

I don't know what this is, but this is a joke.

Excuse me, sir.

This is David Soswell.

I'm the store manager.

This is not a joke.

and this is an ongoing problem we've been having with her.

What's the name of the store?

We're not allowed to give out that information, sir, for security reasons.

You're not allowed to give out the name of the store?

No.

It's great.

I mean, you were here this morning.

There, I said it.

Okay.

Well, that's where I was.

Yes.

So we've been monitoring all of her activities via our closed-circuit television,

and that's why we noticed that she had given you the proof on the back that my associate

Did you say the hair cuttery?

Is this the Great Clips?

Yes.

And, sir, because a previous client today,

a previous client today,

she actually shaved an image of a penis on the back of the man's head.

So are you sure you don't have a penis on your head?

I don't know.

And also, sir, we noticed that, you know, when you get the haircut,

they put the, sir, I have another issue that I need to discuss with you.

Sir, you know that when you get the haircut,

cut they put the smock over you you know to keep the hair from getting on your clothing yeah we

were viewing the security footage on the camera and sir it looked like you were uh we saw some

motions coming from like your uh you know to be quite delicate of your crotch area were you were

you uh doing something nasty underneath that smock while you're getting i think you're i i think this

is sir were you masturbating you had an erection a clear erection was showing up in the video also

so let me put it back.

Sir, this is now?

I cut your hair?

I'm really sorry for what I did.

Will you forgive me?

This is some kind of wind-up call.

She's looking at the back of my head

and everything's fine.

He said it's a poof.

She's explaining poof.

No, I don't see anything, man.

What the fuck's a poof?

I don't know.

I took that from Jack Vale on YouTube.

He goes around and he tells people in Walmart,

mark you got a poof on your hair poof yeah i know he is but it's just stupid he's like a poof poof

yeah oh my god i hate being a christian yeah uh anyway here's big jenny had a haircut matt

why don't you talk call as a drunk executive it's always fun drunk executive yeah tell you're a

drunk for great clips and that you're done playing golf and you're calling her yeah you're in the

the clubhouse right now yeah dialers here with us hello please leave a message hello okay big sue

the last one okay sue i'll try don't like me they don't even want to pick up when they know i'm

gonna talk to them no i'm sorry i'll keep it ringing there a few more times we also got air

gas specialty products to a bullshit all right air gas let's see if we can call the the god bless

God bless you, lady, because she doesn't take calls at night anymore.

God bless you, lady.

So you got to give her a number.

Jesus.

Did anyone ever tell you they love you?

Jesus loves you.

Okay.

The old black lady.

I'll add it next.

All right.

That's ringing funny.

I don't like the sound of that.

Just a coyote.

Coyote.

You don't want to.

Come on.

What now?

Oh, boy.

Here.

This one.

All right.

Feels sad.

It's a dude.

That is no longer in service.

Oh.

She cut it off, dude.

She got her number changed because of you.

that sucks all right here's an air conditioning place all right yay baz are you still going on

later or are you considering this your show you should go on later yeah no i'm not gonna go on

i don't think god i have to go to the i gotta go to the library and to crispy cream and

and some amish later good afternoon thank you for calling canady this is michelle how can i help you

fuck yeah i got a problem with the air conditioning here it's not working

and you you i need you to come over here i was like talking to the air i was like you

motherfucking air conditioner and i kicked it a few times and it came back on yeah it sounds

it's gonna sound like it's peeing you know what i mean when it turns off it pees and i open it up

and all this water was coming out of the hose inside and it was like ice inside of it too that

doesn't make any sense let's see here how do i answer that precisely i don't really live here

it's an apartment first of all so i'm not the owner you know what i mean okay um i'm all hang

on hang on shut up let me see no no no me first i'm talking i'm talking first i'm talking first

okay listen i'm not the room i'm not a roommate i'm not on the lease either you know okay well

in order for us to come out we have to have permission from the homeowner whoever owns the

the home we have to have permission from that person before we could come out yeah but i'm also

uh civil rights i have civil rights you know and they yes you do window was open permission from

the homeowner before we come out the window in the back was open and i came in and no one's told

me in two months i leave and all of a sudden the air conditioner stopped working and the lights

stopped working too but i need you guys to fix the air conditioner first because summer's coming

and it gets fucking hot you know yes sir i i understand that but until we have permission

from the homeowner we cannot come out there are legal reasons okay i'm the homeowner then i'm the

homeowner all right i'm the homeowner i promise i'm the homeowner just come out i'm sorry we

can't i come on i'm the homeowner i command you you can't do this no i'm sorry you just told me

you are not the homeowner and tenant you can't turn around and say that you're the homeowner i'm

sorry we can't come out i'm gonna put my homeowner on the line homeowner go ahead hi i'm the homeowner

I'm sorry, until somebody else calls and says they're the homeowner and can identify the name from the home.

I'm the homeowner.

We're at 123 Fake Street.

Okay, sir, I'm going to hang up now.

And if you would like the homeowner to come out, then you can have the homeowner call me.

The homeowner will come out?

What are you talking about?

He'll kick us out of here.

Just come here and fix the fucking air.

The lights are out also.

But the air conditioning in February is the air.

Right, Joe.

All right.

Here is a place called Garden of Love.

Garden of Love?

Garden of Fuck.

This is Garden of Love, person to care home.

So we're not able to take this phone call.

Holy shit.

That guy's got an awesome voice.

God, man.

This sounds like Barry White over there.

Hello.

Yeah, hi.

Is this Garden of Love?

Yes.

Oh, good.

Listen, the beds, are they single or twin or queen?

Me?

This is Garden of Fuck, right?

Well, the beds single, twins, or queen size?

Excuse me, Howard.

The beds, your beds there?

You know, the beds in the rooms?

What about them?

Are they single size, twin size, queen size?

Yeah.

All right, so you can get, like, two people on there to fuck, right?

No, no, no, no.

Can't put them on there.

They need to be at home.

You know, they have to be at home.

This is Garden of Fuck, you know?

Garden of Fucking is the name of this place?

It's where you

It's called Garden of Love

Garden of fuck

You know

You take a girl there

And you fuck her

You eat her ass out

And everything

Eat what?

Eat her ass out

You know

Eat her

Eat her ass out

You know

You put your mouth

On her asshole

And suck on the asshole

And lick it a little bit

And stick it in there

What you talking about man?

You never tongue fucked

A bitch?

You said

Man

Who you trying to talk

Who you want to talk to man?

Oh

Is uh

The guy

The charge nurse there?

Yes, sir?

The charge nurse.

Hey, call me with some knowledge.

Man, what you talking about?

I don't know what you're talking about.

All right, I'll call you back with some knowledge.

All right.

All right, bye.

What the fuck?

It's echoing bad again.

Damn.

Maybe it's because you don't remove these calls.

That's what happened when I used to be on the network.

Call me back.

Yeah, hi.

I just wanted to call to let you know Jesus lived in Egypt for a significant portion of his life after he was run out.

Hey, man.

Call somebody else with all that

You said call someone with knowledge

Call back with knowledge

I gave you some knowledge

I don't have a request

My father is a pastor

I know all about you

Listen boy

I need to talk to the charge nurse

Alright we're going to try something else

Bitch

Understood

Thank you

Okay

okay uh

sabachi's here making stupid noises and baz reconnected everyone else dropped out

like assholes a bunch of fuckers yeah totally all right now we're gonna see this new little

format i'm trying to follow where the last one did not this isn't looking good

I may help you?

Yeah, hey, how are you doing?

God bless you, honey baby.

Yes, fine, how are you?

No, I said God bless you, goddammit.

Who is this?

This is Eddie.

I said God bless you, dammit.

Say the pastor.

Usually these places that the pastor picks up the second time because he's a...

While we wait for that to go down, here's the...

Thank you for calling First Bryan Baptist Church.

Sorry, we are...

Stupid bitch, I was talking.

We're calling now.

Instead, we are calling Ships of the Sea Maritime Museum Machine.

Thank you.

Ships of the sea.

Hey, is the toilet number around the toilet museum?

You think they're open right now in India?

No.

Oh, no.

Middle of the night, bro.

Damn it, man.

Ships of the sea, this is Adele.

Hey, honey, how are you?

God bless you.

Fine.

You guys got full length, full length, the full boat machines there?

We have what?

You have full examples of full boats there?

Because I get real excited when I see a big boat.

No, we have ship models inside of the museum.

We're in a 19th century house, and ship models, artifacts are inside.

All the ships.

You have all the ships there and all that?

No, just the ship models.

The models of the ships.

Yes, yes.

We don't have actual ships.

You don't have the ships.

You don't have the ships there themselves, models of the ship.

Right.

Okay, fuck yeah.

All right, good.

And then do you have restrooms there?

is a handicap accessible actually we do have restrooms inside of the museum but we're not

real handicapped because we have stairs okay but yeah i don't care i just want to be able to have

nice room because i got a wide stance and i want to bring one of the models of the ship in there

with me i'm gonna fuck it you know you wanted what i'm gonna sit on the toilet with one of

the models of the ships and i'll put in front of me you can't because we have great big ships

and they're all that's why i need a big bathroom because i'm gonna fuck it you know i'm gonna fuck

I'm going to fill it with chicken livers.

Can we bring baseball bats into the museum?

Okay.

Can we?

No, no.

I want to break some stuff.

What about matches?

Okay, well, I'm sorry.

I like to play with matches and bottle ships.

I'm going to fuck the ships.

I'll call her back.

Maybe I should.

That place is on Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard.

Who wouldn't know?

ships of sea this is adele yeah and you guys are on martin luther kim boulevard right

yeah we are do you have a lot of africans there a lot of sub-saharans no um no okay i was curious

you guys are like north on mlk so it doesn't get yeah but we have if you're handicapped accessible

we have a little button down here that you call then we have somebody come out and help you because

Because, like I said, we do have stairs.

And then you fuck the boats, right?

You pick them up and you put your dick in them.

Whatever.

I don't know why she started talking normal.

Hey, look, right down the street.

Yeah.

Carlito's Mexican.

I don't want to do that.

Baz, please do something.

Okay.

Thank you.

Carlito's, how can I help you?

Yeah, Carlito.

Can you put Carlito on the phone, please?

I've got a problem.

Yes.

Is Carlito available?

Yes, sir.

Yes.

Is this Carlito?

Yes.

Hi.

Hi, I was eating in your restaurant, and I'm calling from the restroom.

I'm stuck.

I'm stuck in your restroom.

Uh-huh.

I can't get out.

Okay.

The door closed, and I'm stuck.

I'm banging on the door as hard as I can.

Can you hear it?

No.

Yeah, and there's a chicken in here.

It won't let me out.

It's blocking the door.

Inside the bathroom?

Yeah, there's a chicken, a live chicken.

Uh-huh.

It won't let me get out.

It keeps pecking at me and trying to bite me, and I don't know what to do.

I'm getting pretty alarmed now.

Oh, wow.

Where did this fucking chicken come from?

From your ass, maybe?

Yeah.

You know what?

I'm going to kill the chicken, and then I'm going to come, and I'm going to stick the

fucking chicken up your ass.

Uh-huh.

Come and do it right now?

I'm going to.

I'm coming right now.

I'm going to kick the door down.

Uh-huh.

I'm going to come and I'm going to make you fucking eat this dead chicken after I shove it up your ass.

And make sure you do it.

I'm going to.

Okay.

Yeah, and then I'm going to pull your pants down.

Uh-huh.

And I'm going to go out into the restaurant.

I'm going to go, hey, everybody, look at Carlito.

He just fucked a chicken in the ass and I pulled his pants down.

Everybody's going to laugh at you.

All right.

They're going to say, oh, look at that dumb fucking Carlito.

Are you retired or something?

Yes, I am, sir.

I am.

Yes, I am.

I'm disabled.

I'm not ashamed to admit that.

I am disabled.

Yes, sir.

And I'm not ashamed to admit that.

And I am on drugs.

Okay.

Yeah, and I'm also drinking heavily.

I've been drinking tequila.

I'm drinking tequila.

Oh, you're drinking tequila?

No, I'm drinking your tequila.

I snuck into the bar and stole a bottle of tequila.

uh-huh i stole it i stole a bottle of patron okay thrown silver and i was i was in the restroom

drinking it for free aha take that yeah i'm drinking all your fucking expensive tequila

okay are you done because i'm like working right now and if you're gonna come and do whatever you

have to do you know i'll be here waiting for you yeah well what's what's gonna happen when i come

in oh no we're not gonna take this inside i'm gonna go outside and do what i told you i was

is going to do. Okay, yeah, well, you want to meet

me out in the back? Sure, whenever you

show. Well, I'm there right now.

You're in the back? Yeah, I'm there, yeah.

I'm hiding behind

the dumpster, finishing off the bottle

of Patron, and

I'm going to kick, you know,

we're going to have a fist fight.

Hold on, give me one second.

Okay, hurry the fuck up. I don't have all day.

Hello?

Who is this? Yes, this man

was speaking very

very rudely to me.

I'd like to complain.

I'd like an apology.

He was threatening me.

He said that he was going to

stick a chicken in my ass,

and he said he was going to

make me drink a bottle of Patron,

and I don't drink alcohol.

Who said this?

I'm a Mormon,

so I can't drink alcohol.

It's against my religion.

Carlito.

He said he was going to

make me drink the Patron.

Who Carlito?

The guy I was just talking to,

you dumb fucker.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about

about the rude service I'm getting in your damn restaurant.

Okay, so what's going on?

I came in, I came in, I wanted some chili rellenos, and this guy told me to fuck off,

and he's going to make me drink a bottle of Patron, and said he was going to stick a chicken

in my ass.

Chicken up your ass, that's crazy.

Yeah, he threatened me, and I'm scared.

I hear a chicken, what's going on with the chicken?

I don't know, that's the chicken.

chicken what chicken i don't know there's a chicken that uh i was in your restroom i'm stuck

there's a fucking chicken in the restroom there's a chicken in the restroom yeah what restroom is

this your restroom our restroom your restroom our restroom just keep the chicken out of your ear

man and listen okay yeah can't you hear the fucking thing yeah i hear the chicken i don't

know i mean i don't know what you guys do get like a deal on some live chickens and you just

slaughter them when needed and make them into enchiladas uh so you think there's a chicken

on our restroom yeah and it won't let me out blocking the door of the stall he's pecking at me

he's trying to bite my cock and so you complain about carlito yeah like a chicken up your ass

yep and who was he threw me into he carlito threw me in the in the restroom and threw the chicken

in and then lock the door okay he said take that so there's a there's a chicken in the restroom

carlitos it was a asshole here uh give me a second no hurry up i'm getting tired of this

hello yes who am i speaking to now i'm sorry you're speaking with james

you'd like to speak with our manager yeah manager on the phone okay sure

Carlitos

Yeah, it says Carlito

Yes, Carlitos

Yeah, are you Carlito?

Yes, sir

How many people are you going to have me talk to?

I mean, this is ridiculous

I mean, can I help you?

They don't understand what you're saying

Or what you're really on

Yeah, I'm complaining about the fucking chicken

In your room

You complain about the what?

The chicken in the restroom.

Okay.

I don't know.

You keep live animals in your restroom?

Is that an acceptable way to run a business?

No, it's not.

You know, it's against the health code, for one thing.

You know, I'm trying to take a piss, and the fucking chicken's pecking around.

I might get, you know, the salmonella.

I might get it in my...

And then I'm going to get sick.

Yeah?

Yeah.

But we'll have to do the restaurant with the salmonella.

Yeah?

Yeah, well, it's a fucking live chicken.

It's not been cooked.

What do you think?

Well, I'm here.

I'm in the fucking restroom.

I'm stuck.

Are you stuck in the restroom?

And you said you got salmonella or some good chicken?

The chicken won't let me out.

It's blocking the door, and it's aggressive.

It's pecking at me.

It's nipping at me.

And I don't know what to do.

I'm so frustrated.

Nobody understands.

Hello?

yeah i'm here yeah can you come in here

and choke this chicken with me i mean but i don't see anyone in the restaurant can you help

choke my chicken yeah i can hear somebody faffing in the back somebody's choking their chicken

are you choking your chicken what are you talking about uh chicken machines

damn it just got louder and louder and louder there yeah fuck i got i was getting tired of

that shit i know i was trying to find it out sorry buddy all right here's a jones johnstone

supply they're a big company of supply machines they're all over the nation they provide provides

parts and supply machines for people and here we are connecting to them now yeah 99 certain the

building you're in right now has something to keep from johnstone supply hey boy how you doing

motherfucker yeah man what's up i got a po number it's 285714 machine wait a minute 2851

714 machine but i don't even know who this when i you answer the phone i heard you but i didn't

understand what you said i said hey how you doing motherfucker so the po doesn't mean anything

thing to me because i don't know who the hell this is fucking ass you know two eight five seven

one four machine that means absolutely nothing other maybe jim or somebody really weighed on

get really probably care well what do you what if you type out machine i don't know no either

we have a machine it doesn't go we have to make the machine go it doesn't go so we need things

to make we need we're looking for things to make us go a machine that don't go sound like you need

to get a job over here johnson you work in a warehouse we'll start work your way up from

I need the bathrooms mopped today if you want to come and do that.

Okay, and what's it like to pay?

I don't know, but I have to negotiate.

It depends on how good you are.

They'll probably try you and see how good you are and pay you accordingly.

Well, I know how to make things go, you know.

So what do you want to do as PA?

You tell me.

I need you to put it in the computer.

I don't know who this is.

I have no idea how to put it in the computer.

I can write on a piece of paper and lay it on the counter.

All right, go ahead and do that and see what happens.

I don't know who I'm talking to.

I can't put a computer under 2-8-5-7-1-4 machine means zero to me.

Look, I'm out here.

I'm in the field right now.

I'm at the consulting place.

I don't know who I'm talking with.

I'm with International Chicken Consulting.

I'm supposed to fix the machine.

It doesn't go.

They gave me your number.

It's your part.

It's, you know, we need to get this settled.

And it said the PO number is 2-5-8-7-1-4 machine.

Okay.

I have no idea.

Let's see if Jim can maybe help you because I have no clue what you're talking about.

And fuck Jim anyway, right?

Are you in the office, Jim?

I don't know who this guy is.

He's trying to act a bit like...

He's trying to...

Jim.

Hey, listen, we can't make the machine...

Hello?

We're trying to make the machine go.

I cannot hear you.

Turn the machine down.

I can't hear you.

All I can hear is some noise.

Hey, that was the machine.

We're trying to make it go, but it won't.

I was too close to it.

I can turn it back on, but I have to have a little lower.

You know what I mean?

What machine?

The primary machine here.

I'm at International Chicken Machines, and the primary machine isn't going.

So they gave me your information.

They gave me PO number 258714 machine.

I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

Look up International Chicken Machine.

Did you hear that?

We got to get it fixed, boy.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

United Chicken Machines?

I can assume this is a joke.

No. No, sir. I'm here in the field and the machine doesn't go.

And they told me I had to call you about this part that's incorrect.

We want to pick up the part before we close tonight, before you guys close tonight.

Um, like I said, I still have no idea what you're talking about.

The PO is 258714.

PO for what? What company?

Parts order. International Chicken Machine.

I don't have any account under that name.

Just look it up. They're a bigger company.

you did good he's like oh i gotta get all this click uh sorry i'm looking for a new number here

murphy's law irish pub man there's a place called uh what what city are you calling now i believe

i'm in savannah georgia okay yeah still georgia yeah we're in georgia there's a tattoo place

they're always like really like fuck off and they hang up a tattoo places they don't have

have patience for that shit here's a cafe a pub burger place carriage tours of savannah georgia

let's call them about a tour yeah that'd be cool call them with the horses mating right that'd be

nice yeah yeah wonderful take you by the plantation so we can see the slaves picking cotton right all

right i'm gonna try a new ambiance sound here my hospital operation room one i haven't used it yet

I don't know if you have it, Baz.

I listen to it, but I haven't used it.

I'm trying it, big guy.

Here we go.

I've got about a half hour left in me, and then I've done three hours.

Baz, you were supposed to go on after that, but, you know.

Yeah, but I think since we've been pranking, I've got other things I need to do.

We'll see.

This is Savannah.

Yeah, hi.

I'm calling from the main machine, United Veterinary Machine.

Hello?

You're calling about what now?

I'm calling from United Veterinary Hospital Machine.

Okay.

We're performing surgery on a liposomal horse right now.

Okay.

And we need a blood transfusion before we lose the horse.

We need a blood transfusion before we lose the horse machine.

Would you be willing for us to come down there and get a transfusion?

Would we be willing to pay you or masturbate the horse for you or whatever we need?

Sorry, let me step away.

No, I don't think that's something I'd be comfortable with.

No, listen, we're going to lose his lipids on our horse.

It was Hitler's horse, and we're going to lose him.

We can't lose this horse.

We're in the middle of gallbladder surgery.

Okay, no.

We're in the middle of gallbladder surgery on the horse.

Please.

We just need some horse blood.

We're doing a transfusion.

Please.

We just need to test the blood types of your horses,

and if we have a match, we'll pay you money.

But please let us save this horse machine.

Please.

No, I'm not.

No, that's not something that I can authorize.

He's a legendary horse.

Is there someone there I can talk to, please?

This is urgent.

Don't you hear they're working on him right now?

They're losing him.

They're going to lose him in about two hours, they say.

I'm sorry.

There's nothing I can do for you.

You can try calling one of the other stables around Savannah.

There's nothing I can do for you.

Are you the owner?

No.

Can I get a hold of the owner?

No.

See, now the horse is going to cardiac arrest, they're afraid.

Nurse, we've got code blue.

Code blue.

You've got a code blue on the horse.

They've got a code blue on Dean's.

the horse's name beans please come on all right asshole motherfucker no you're killing him you're

killing him you motherfucker you okay and charge it up again i hung up or he hung up all right

anyway does this sound legit does it sound like we're operating on a horse in the background

yeah it sounded sounded like uh an operating room he was torn he's like i i can't i can't

All right, that's a good idea.

I like that.

Okay, ice cream, ETC, that means et cetera, which means end more stuff.

You know that code blue?

Is that code blue?

I think, is that the one where the cardiac arrest?

Yeah, that's when everyone runs.

Like, code blue, yeah.

Yeah, when my wife was in the hospital last year with pneumonia,

she was having some heart thing, and so they put her in the cardiology unit.

It turned out it was nothing, but, you know, every day I'd be up there visiting her,

and every day we'd hear the code blue, you know, about four times a day,

and then you'd see them come in with the big cardiac team

would come in with their big emergency response cart with the defib.

It's pretty depressing.

Yeah, I know, because you know what's happening.

I would hear it.

When I was in the hospital this last time, I heard it.

It's about once a day you hear it, or I'd notice it once a day.

And so it was like an old lady would say it.

It was the same old lady any time of day.

She was saying code blue.

She'd say the room number, I guess, or whatever.

Yeah.

yeah they called some kind of code on me when i had that heart surgery when they took a look at

the scan and i saw my my heart was surrounded with fluid the guy oh yeah the guy freaked out

it wasn't a code blue but whatever it was like they like jumped into action and there's the i

remember the nurse started putting a new iv in me like a second one and i'm like okay she was like

real nervous and i was like so i'm guessing this isn't good news it's like she wouldn't tell me

she's like we're gonna have the cardiologist speak to you i'm like so it's not good news

is like i can't say i don't know i don't know we're just gonna have the car like okay whatever

yeah that was some scary shit all because i had yeah all because of bronchitis just my luck and

then i break my ankle a few months later i'm calling i don't know who this is someone in

savannah i forgot who i copied ice cream yeah the number you have reached nine one nine one

is out of service okay a song over here a different song okay naming out what i'm looking

at here if something jumps out you let me know we got wet willies city market that just jumped

out at me wet willies wet willies city market we've had some okay pranks tonight today today

yeah yeah it's been it's been fun all right we lost matt matt never reconnected

He sounded pretty sober.

I mean, it was for Matt.

City Market, this is Britt.

How may I help you?

Hey, boy, how you doing?

Huh?

Hey, boy.

Hey, is this Wet Willies?

Yes.

Yeah, I was just in there shopping for some food,

and one of your employees came up and tried to give me a wedgie.

What?

Yeah, the guy in the produce.

He came up, and he tried to give me a wedgie.

I don't think it was our store.

Yeah, I think so.

He thought it was funny.

He was giggling, and then he ran into the back room,

and I don't know how you run a business there,

but that's pretty unprofessional to tell you that.

I would like to promise you it wasn't our store.

We haven't even had a produce guy.

Willie, yeah?

But anyway, you fucking pulled my underwear up into my butt crack.

My ass.

I'm sorry, sir, but I highly doubt it was our store.

It was your store.

Are you calling me a liar?

No, I'm not calling you a liar, sir,

but we haven't even had a produce guy come in today.

Yeah, well, I'm shopping with my roommate,

and he witnessed the whole thing.

Eddie?

eddie are you there yeah i'm gonna put eddie on the phone he saw the whole thing

hey fuck how you doing hello hey buddy how you doing good how are you the guy yeah he came up

to dr baz that's my buddy my roommate he pulled down his pants and underwear and everything he's

like hey oh wow look what you got here let's see what you got here you know and he was like oh i

can see your little bird little birdie he said to him like that i see a little birdie your worm he

so i would like to promise you that it's not our store sir he told me he told me he wanted

to pet me like this little chicken yeah he said you want to be my little chicken and all that and

he was petting his head really hard like petting it and pushing the hair down really hard it's

creepy he was like oh yeah it is creepy little chicken little chicken like that yeah well i'm

sorry but i don't know what to say i don't know either i think it was you it wasn't me i've been

been behind the bar all day sir been behind the bar what do you do you sell liquor there we sell

daiquiris you sell daiquiris yes sir i thought this was a market no we sell daiquiris and food

restaurant bar yeah yeah do you have them uh those tequila shots yeah we got tequila shots three

dollars three dollars yeah you want to want to have some shots with us i can't you can't do it

while i'm working maybe when i get off you know you know okay yeah maybe you can come over and

And we can have a sex party and tell sex stories.

I'm okay on that one.

Yeah?

I'll take some shots with you, but I'm not coming over.

You're okay like you want to?

Is that what you want?

What?

Are you okay like, yeah, let's do it kind of thing?

No, okay, I'm fine.

I'm not going to do that.

Oh, okay, okay.

I mean, it's not gay if you're just a little bit curious.

I'm fine.

I got some customers coming in right now.

We can show each other our private parts.

Well, I have some customers coming in,

and I'm sorry, guys, about the whole wedgie incident, but I got to go.

They're coming in your ass?

Can you put the customer on the phone, please?

Are they coming in your asshole, you little barking spider?

Oh, barking spider.

Yeah.

I thought it was a market.

It was.

That's what it says, Wet Willie's City Market.

He said Wet Willie's.

Yeah, it's a bar.

They have food and drinks.

Bullshit, right?

Bullshit.

Hey, more on this same block here.

Now we're calling a lot of bars and a few restaurant machines.

Here's Magnolia Carriage Company.

Let's see if that's horse carriage.

I'm not sure.

Pulling it up on Google.

Google says the domain is for sale, so they might not even be in business.

Anyway, let's try it because we were recommended by the lady to call the guy to call different horse machine places.

So here we are.

Baz, I got a second wind.

I feel a little better right now.

I may go in a little longer.

I really wish you'd do a show.

I wish I could convince you.

Yeah, I just can't do it.

I got to pick the kids up from school in a couple hours.

Magnolia carriage.

Yeah, is this horse carriage?

Yes.

Okay, I'm calling from United Animal Hospital Veterinary Machine.

Where is United Hospital Animal Veterinary Machine?

Uh, we're in Rome, Rome, Rome, Georgia.

We're performing surgery on a lip is honor.

I'm sorry.

I'm in the ER room.

Let me step back a little bit.

Excuse me guys.

I don't know if you can hear me.

It's kind of loud there.

They're working on a lip is honor.

It's a, it's a very famous lip is honor.

Um, and it's gotten sick and we need a blood transfusion.

Um, we're hoping maybe we could test some of your horse machines out and see if they

They batch the blood type, and we would be willing to pay or trade services for you if you'd like

for us to be able to get some matching blood for the Lipizzaner horse.

It's going to die in a few hours if we don't get it this.

I thought it was having cardiac arrest like five minutes ago.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's going to die if we don't get it done.

We need to get it done.

There is no United Vet Clinic in Rome, Georgia.

United Vet Horse Clinic Hospital Machine.

Incorporated.

Yeah.

It doesn't exist.

I just talked to you on my other line.

I'm not giving you any horse blood.

I don't know what your deal is.

I'm sorry if you've got a horse that's dying.

Please, come on.

Listen, it's going to die.

And you said it called the other places in town,

and you showed up as a different place, different address.

That's why I called this number.

Don't come at me acting like I'm a piece of shit now, okay?

You told me call the other places in Savannah, and this came up as another place.

Don't be like that.

There's not even a United Vet Clinic in Rome, Georgia.

We're outside of Rome.

We're in the process of getting certification.

Oh, yeah, no, we're definitely not interested.

Thank you.

Hey, but we know what we're doing.

We're not even certified.

Oh, shit.

It's like, oh, no.

Red flag, red flag.

Oh, no.

at home vet hospital that's definitely if we're gonna get out of our garage i don't know if doing

i don't know for a vet to do that it'd be a felon i know for you for people like in miami there's

these uh a lot of nurses like on the side they'll do plastic surgery really cheap using shitty stuff

like they'll make their own yeah oops we came to the peeing i got to the end of the horse surgery

surgery um yeah they do the botox themselves and they're doing like ass lifts and stuff and

they're using fix a flat and shit like yeah i read about that yeah and the people get these uh

you know they get these complications from the shit that they put in yeah the least of which

ends up going to the real hospital yeah the least of which i've seen is like it getting lumpy and

fucked up the worst case scenarios is like their ass completely disintegrates and rots off oh yeah

off yeah it's like some like a lot of transvestite transsexuals transvestites transgender that's what

i'm looking for transgender do that in miami they don't have enough money and a lot of strippers too

it's crazy it was a it's a vice documentary man i love vice i don't know if you ever watched

oh hell yeah i love that uh that network and did you see they had a hbo had a vice series not you

know yeah they did hbo they did like nine or ten episodes yeah they were pretty good

yeah i watched every one of those those were awesome yep yeah they did pretty good yep uh

moving right along cupcakes have us some cupcakes what i still need to watch that sochi one you're

talking about yeah the sochi one's pretty good then there's another one now the the um who are

those chicks pussy riot um oh yeah they were doing the demonstration at sochi during the olympics and

they were getting beat up by cossacks like some kind of private militia that putin uh the cossacks

go way back back to like the days of the original you know uh russian revolution when they over

through the czars and all that kind of stuff yeah anyway and i'm in the middle i'm still in the

middle of watching that oliver stone uh the uh on unwritten history their untold history of the

united states um it starts at world war ii and ends at the obama presidency and he gets really

into like i mean some there's some factual errors um i mean it is oliver stone he does skew left

of course but he does a pretty good job of explaining i'm at the point now where it's

eisenhower is about to be elected and then jfk after that really excited to watch it that's what

i'm going to do after i get out of here with you in a few minutes i'm gonna see if i can catch up

watch the rest of those today where's that is that on it's on showtime or something it's on

on showtime okay and they're all if you have showtime on demand you can catch them all they're

still on demand right now um so if you get that feature download the torrent or something yeah

that too all right good luck with that uh who did i say i was gonna call there's a certain i don't

know oh cupcakes that's what i was getting at cupcakes sweet carolina cupcakes in savannah

of georgia giving out all the info so you guys can call after and say hey you got prank called

by this guy carlito this is his website call the police and point the finger at him it's his fault

i want a cupcake i may help you hey how you doing boy i'm good are you uh what's your name my name's

caddell is that a girl's name or boy's name it's a boy's name oh very nice okay so the cupcakes you

you have there uh do you have uh the black and white ones the mixed black and white no but we

start this next season actually um that'll be in about two weeks so all your cupcakes are segregated

now um no thank god great yeah do the chocolate cupcakes go in the back of the case no they go

right up in the front okay can i actually next to the chocolate with vanilla and next to the

vanilla with vanilla and next to the vanilla with chocolate is equal opportunity cupcakes over here

oh what's your favorite one the pink one holy crap what's your favorite one the pink one one

of them yeah okay or the rainbow colored one maybe right yeah yeah that's a nice one right

you like that okay i i like the i use the the upside down triangle the pyramid with the eye

on the top of the pyramid and it's separated like the back of the dollar bill because i'm

fucking illuminati man oh yeah i i do all the boffin that stuff and all that yeah i'm a

a freemason cool yeah freemasons get a discount here we come in and just you know we're like hey

we want that so i need a i need a do you sell by the dozen yeah okay all right i'd like uh let's

see eight vanilla and four four chocolate the four of them i want in the back of the box though

separate from the white ones separated okay if you have any brown ones you can kind of mix them

them in we'll we'll figure it out you know okay so down the line eight vanilla with what kind of

it depends how if it's a lighter vanilla if it's a lighter brown one lighter you know yeah if it's

lighter if it has blonde hair maybe you can bring it over but if not keep an eye on it you know keep

an eye on it maybe let it okay in the blue eyes okay yeah that's fine good um what do you want

For tomorrow morning, yeah.

Tomorrow morning at Disney 27.

All right, honey baby.

I'm sorry?

All right, honey baby.

Thank you very much.

Hey, can you put some swastikas on the blonde cupcakes?

Yeah, definitely.

We can do that.

Yeah?

Okay.

That would be good.

Yeah.

So we want the swastikas on those,

and then I want some other cupcakes.

I want three cupcakes lined up in a row,

and I want each cupcake to have the letter K on it.

And then you'll have that on one side of the box

and then the swastika on the other side.

You want that on top of the ones with the K?

Yeah, but I want the decorated cupcakes separated.

I want the dark cupcakes to be in the back

with some barbed wire fencing them in.

Hey, buddy, do you mind holding me one second, please?

Well, hurry the fuck up, please.

I don't have all fucking day.

Great, one second.

Beep, beep, beep.

Hurry.

Bee.

You think it'll be a long time, or I think it'll be pretty quick?

I think he's just fucking with us.

He's not coming back.

We'll see.

We'll call the Savannah Bee Company.

I'm just going to say bee.

Hey.

Hey, sorry about that.

I had some, you know, real people.

Who are we calling now?

Well, connect us.

Savannah Bee Company on Brown Street.

This is Sarah.

Yeah, Savannah Bee Company?

Yes.

Bee, bee, bee, bee, bee, bee, bee, bee, bee, bee, bee, bee, bee, bee, bee, bee, bee,

B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B.

And B.

B-B.

You know what I mean?

Sure.

Yeah, B-B-B-B-B-B-B, you know?

Can I help you with something, sir?

No, just B-B-B-B-B-B, you know?

You got that?

She got it.

She's gone.

Yeah, Cupcake.

Cupcake, are you still there?

Hey, Cupcake.

I'm still here, buddy.

Hey, Cupcake.

You guys are actually, like, entertaining me.

You're making my day right now.

I needed a break, so.

Can we call you Cupcake?

You can call me Cupcake.

All right.

Lots of people call me a cunt cake.

You ever go to the Copper Penny?

Not really.

What is that?

What is it?

Can you tell me?

It's some clothing store.

There's someone that works there.

She's not very nice.

What's her name?

Oh, why?

What?

Is she a cunt?

I'm sorry.

I didn't say that.

Okay, I'm sorry.

We can help you with that.

Nah, I'm good.

Who are we calling now?

We're calling over there.

You be quiet so you don't get in trouble.

Calling the bitch.

Good afternoon, Copper Penny Savannah.

This is Vanessa.

How may I help you?

Hey, big girl.

Girl, how you doing, Big Vanessa?

What's up?

Oh, hey, you know girls taste like copper pennies down there, I heard.

I wouldn't know.

What?

I said girls taste like copper pennies down there, I heard, but I wouldn't know.

What does that mean?

Because I wouldn't know.

I like men.

I never tasted a girl down there, but I heard girls taste like copper pennies.

Yeah, she agrees.

You know what I'm talking about, right, Cupcake?

Yeah.

Is she hung up?

Yeah, she hung up.

Is that the bitch?

Is that her?

Oh, she's not as fun.

Yeah, we don't want anybody fucking with our little cupcake.

cupcake. Yeah, don't mess with the little cupcake. So we'll take

care of it for you. Oh, thank you.

You guys are so nice. You got your back.

You're pretty awesome. Do you guys

live in Savannah? No.

Really? We're around the country.

Around the country? Around the world.

Actually, around the world, to be honest with you.

Who we got now? I live in Guam.

Alright, folks, that's not

working. We have reached 629.

Oh, they're boring.

Yeah, exactly. You like Indian

food? Cupcake? Yeah, I love Indian food.

Alright, watch this.

this yeah just watch this um it's cool what he's gonna do are

Are they open now?

Do you know?

I'm not sure.

I can Google for you.

I got it.

Great.

This is India.

How may I help you?

Hey, buddy.

How you doing?

Good.

I want to make an order, please.

Can I have a name?

Yeah, this is Cross.

Okay, and your order?

Okay, one chicken tikka masala.

Mm-hmm.

okay one garlic uh excuse me one garlic naan okay one bhenchod bhenchod can you spell that for me

b-a-h-n-c-h-o-d no we don't have that do you have sister uh madarchod that's mother you have

madarchod madarchod oh dear i was asking if you had motherfucker usually they get mad man

Man, Indians get real mad.

They say curse words.

Funny.

Hey, motherfucker.

He hung right up, didn't he?

Me?

Yeah.

No, not you.

The other guy.

The Indian guy.

We call him Pac-1.

Never heard of them.

Nah.

Is that Indian?

Well, versus Asian.

That's it?

Savannah only has two Indian restaurants?

Are you for real?

You're cold.

I thought Savannah was like a real progressive town.

What's going on, man?

It is.

Not really.

Why not?

It's the most liberal that Georgia gets, right?

Wouldn't you say?

Pretty much.

Then Metro Atlanta, yeah.

Yeah, Metro Atlanta, true, true of that.

The big cities, the liberals, Democrats, all love those big cities.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm going to wrap it up here.

Hey, thanks, Cupcake, for being on.

You can go to Matt.

You're welcome.

You can go on your phone, open up MadHouseLive.com.

It'll explain everything for you.

You got that?

MadHouseLive?

Yeah, .com.

MadHouseLive.com.

Yeah.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Okay, great.

That sounds cool.

I'm totally checking this out right now.

All right, big guy.

We have a chat room.

be on the radio

yeah

oh great

awesome

thank you

you have to pay us

$23

yep

$23 specifically

not like $23.55

don't be ridiculous

yeah

I have to

I have to email you

a waiver too

like a

I don't care

I'd be ridiculous

we'll take care of it

I'll get with you

alright go to the website

I am

see ya

bye cupcakes

cupcakes

if you know what I mean

alright that was cupcake

hey Brad you're back

how you doing buddy

hey

I had a Pepsi

I feel better now

oh good

good

did you want to do a show

because I'm wrapping mine up

and Baz is like, I can't do another one.

Yeah, what a pussy.

Let's just keep the show for another couple

hours. Okay. Well, can you

take over and drive the show? I'm going to

flake out here soon. I know it.

No, actually, I've got to get some things done.

I have to go to the library and Krispy Kreme.

Also, you have to get things

done and you're not a pussy and I do

and I am. I see how this works.

Alright, I'll do it. Victory Square. Let's see

what they have here.

Maybe another city.

I'm kind of tired of Savannah, Georgia.

Name a city, guys.

Come on.

South Carolina.

We already did South Carolina.

Oh, no, that's right.

What's in South Carolina?

How about Akron?

Akron, Ohio.

No, South Carolina.

I don't care.

I always say that.

That's where the haircut places were from, so we already did South Carolina.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

All right, then fine.

Akron, Ohio, then.

Akron.

All right, zooming in.

Going to Martin Luther King Boulevard in Akron, Ohio.

Let's see if there is one.

I suspect there is in Akron.

Yep.

Okay.

Okay, I'll name off stuff.

Here's a Ronald McDonald house.

Probably not.

Triple A Auto Club.

Akron City Center.

Bank.

No.

Jewelry.

No.

There's a YMCA.

It's fun to stay at the YMCA.

So Brad got his computer fixed.

Isn't that great, Baz?

Mm-hmm.

You put an AMD Pentium.

It's got three Pentiums in it.

Pentium 5.

Triple Pentium.

On your Akron area YMCA, this is Heather.

How can I help you?

Hey, do you guys have a rule about the showers?

Are they divided?

What location are you looking for?

In Akron, of course.

That's why I was calling you.

Where you are there, honey?

Little hot pants.

You know what?

I'm in office.

You're in office?

I don't...

I am.

Oh, wow.

You're a little sexy thing, aren't you?

I bet.

You got a nice dress on?

Are you wearing high heels?

He's got a tight little package.

Type, type, type, type.

This is the associate...

Fine, assholes.

Okay, moving right along.

Here's a psychologist.

If I can manage to copy the number, I can call it.

this birthplace of the

five years

that's a story about Akron, Ohio

ladies and gentlemen

psychological counseling machine

yes, hi, are you wearing tight clothes?

do they show off your body?

yes, very nice

sorry, I can't talk now, bye

now it's Kate

I call a doctor to say that shit

it's probably with a patient

how you doing, goddammit

Pardon?

How you doing, goddammit?

How are you?

Who's this?

This is Cross.

I was calling about services.

When are the services and that over there?

What time?

Services for?

The goddamn church, you know, on Sunday.

Her.

What services?

Services for?

She'll pick up again.

I know it.

She has no spine.

Why don't you talk to her?

Because I can't.

Good afternoon, St. Bernard's.

Hi, this is Baz from the corporate office with the church.

Good to have you again.

This is Baz from the corporate office with the church.

We've gotten some complaints that you've been rude to customers that call in and ask about services.

What's your name?

My name is Baz.

I'm with the corporate office with the church.

We're going to take away your franchise rights if you keep doing that to people.

The corporate office of the church?

You mean the diocese?

Okay, that's fine.

Secretly, they call it the corporate office.

Spaghetti Warehouse.

All right, let's call them about the meatballs.

I'm just going to ask for a spaghetti machine

Like a stupid fucker

Because that's so funny

Akron, Ohio everybody

Where the potato chip was invented

That's absolutely correct

I wasn't sure

I think so

Thank you for calling Skitty Warehouse

This is Erin, how can I help you?

Potato chip was invented right here

I'm sorry?

I wanted to order a spaghetti machine

One spaghetti machine please

Can I ask who this is?

Well, this is Dean.

Okay.

Hold on just a minute.

Fuck.

Actually, the original potato chip is from Saratoga Springs, New York.

God damn it.

Bullshit.

It's Akron.

What'd they invent in Akron then?

Hey, Cupcake's in the chat room.

Oh.

Cupcake.

What's up, man?

First mass consumption was in Ohio.

Ah.

Mass production, I mean.

Is that really Cupcake?

Probably not.

You know.

Hey, if that's you, Cupcake, what's up?

He has a Florida IP, so it's...

It's not.

That's a lie.

Jacksonville, Florida.

South Georgia.

I could be right, actually.

Yep.

That wouldn't make sense for what we're calling.

Okay, what were we doing?

Spaghetti machine, right?

All right, I'm calling her back.

I don't have time for that.

Hey, Carlita, you want a Twitter complainer?

I still have a couple of those left.

Heck yeah.

Those are funny.

What's the company?

Well, let me...

Yeah, send them, send them.

It's LG is this one, and I know it's a good number because I got her voicemail last time.

It's kind of late.

Good deal.

Hello, and thank you for calling Spaghetti Warehouse.

Our restaurant is open from 11 a.m. to 10 p.m.

That's a restaurant.

I thought it was a warehouse thing.

I think I've heard of that company before, Spaghetti Warehouse.

Well, you're a restaurant warehouse.

Thank you for calling Gojo.

If you know your party's four-digit extension, you may dial it.

Gojo, you know they make that soap shit for people that work with their hands, not like bread.

Gojo, may I help you?

Hey, what's up, honey?

I'm sorry?

How you doing?

I had a question about which of your products is the best for lubrication for sex.

Don't hang up.

Oh, it's true, though.

That's a good question.

Thank you for calling Gojo.

It's nothing to be ashamed about.

That's all we got.

It's Gojo stuff here.

Gojo, may I help you?

Listen, we work at an auto parts place at NAPO, all right?

Excuse me?

All we have for lubricant is this stuff, and we need to have safe sex, you know?

Sir, please don't call again.

Thank you.

You have auto-

And there's nothing to be ashamed of.

They're non-oil-based soaps.

They should work.

They're prude.

I'm going to tell her it's not oil-based.

Thank you for calling Gojo.

If you know you're a part of this four-digit-

go joe it's a perfectly natural biological function everybody knows a mentally retarded

person named joe or karen fact or michael go joe may help you listen it's it's a non-oil-based

lubricant that we need and these soaps do not have oil it says on your website okay what is it you're

looking for sir we're trying to find out which of the products that we all have all go joe uh

products here in the auto parts you know and we're really fucking horny you know we've been

doing coke and shit like that.

You're going to have to stop calling

here or I will report you. Thank you.

Come on. Man, that's

a conservative company, I guess.

Watch the auto parts guys.

Yale is fuck.

Come on.

We need something. What do we got?

It's either

that or mortar oil, I guess.

I guess we're going to have to do the mortar. Well, that's oil-based.

We can't. I forgot to mention that.

We would have used mortar oil, but it says

is that it'll eat the condom.

What about bearing grease?

That's oil-based too, buddy.

Come on.

Yeah.

What are you going to do?

Hey, let's call a newspaper

and laugh at them for being so September 10th.

That's probably not a nice thing to say.

Laugh at them for being so 80s.

There we go.

You actually have print newspaper.

Thank you for calling the Akron Beacon Journal.

If you know your party's extension,

please dial it now

or choose from the following eight options.

to dial by name press one if you are calling concerning the delivery of your newspaper or

with a question about your subscription you got a new story you are a business calling about

advertising press three i'd love to hack the list to speak to the newsroom or a reporter press five

there we go wait while i transfer your call oh you can draw a newsroom yeah i'm calling in with

with a hot story for you guys.

I don't know if you guys have a good...

Are you a reporter?

Well, what's the story about?

It's really big with Akron,

like the local politics.

It's going to shake up everything here.

What's it about

so I can direct you to somebody?

It's about the mayor

and the police.

The Akron Beacon Journal

and Ohio.com.

Look at everything else.

Hold on.

Another one of these guys.

I saw a UFO.

I swear.

Hi, you've reached Stephanie Worsmith.

please leave a message and i'll get back with you oh the big her name is stephanie wardsmith

seriously just tell him the big story is that print is calling the akron beacon journal i was

gonna tell her that tell him wait while i transfer your call the story is the beacon journal is a

piece of shit listen i got a voicemail it's very important i gotta tell you before it happens

well stephanie is our political reporter i'll tell you just you listen okay don't tell anyone

one you gotta promise not tell anybody except for her and don't tell who you got the info from or

anything all right all right all right um it's that the beacon journal is a piece of shit it's

a fucking piece of shit you know it's an asshole fucking shit bye bye he's got to be professional

he's like walter conkite over there the walter conkite of akron he's depressed now he's like

I know he's right.

You have a point.

He can't argue with the facts.

Stop the press.

We've suspected that for quite some time.

Stop the presses.

None of us,

none of us,

man's print media is a ship.

Now they're going to go to a strictly digital format.

He's a good announcer.

Completely digital subscription plan and nothing else.

Um,

I think I'm done.

I'm done.

No more convincing.

No more hoping,

praying nothing.

One more.

Oh,

please.

i posted it you said you oh yeah yeah she's probably not gonna answer but you know all right

what was the uh how she's complaining about lg electronics anything from them again

electronics okay got it man they have shitty customer service they do though they do it's

true i don't know i don't have any lg products what am i talking about i just say you're with

lg and you don't appreciate it no uh legal department she's gotta take her tweet down

She's never there

What a B-I-T-C-H

Oh man, I really love those Twitter complains

You know, I'm gonna try one more time

Just for the shit, alright, just for the shit buddy

Don't worry, no Bradley

Alright, we'll do another one

Twitter complainer calls are great

Because you're calling people that are already

Annoyed and irritated about something

And then you just stir them up even more

Yeah, Brad's done a lot of good ones

I've had a few like that

the driving one, whatever that driving company is,

you know, the taxi alternative

where the lady wimple is.

You made a YouTube video for me of that, Brad.

It was really good.

It just takes so long to get the info

and then half the time they don't answer.

Well, sometimes they work during the day.

Yeah, when they do, it pays off pretty good.

Brad, how about a survey call at Hearst and Circle K?

That'll cheer you up.

Yay!

Some lady, I just noticed her tweet today

from my show the other night.

She's like, why did I...

She tweeted at Sears asking why she received harassing phone calls.

And she called the cops.

And her next step is to see if any reporters might be interested.

Oh, yeah.

And she traced the number.

You've already been on TV.

You were on MSNBC, weren't you?

That was so awkward.

Anyway, I'm sorry, Brad.

That was rude of me to say that you were on TV once.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, please don't do that.

Not on the air.

Come on.

Sorry.

I stumbled on it once on YouTube.

Anyway, Summit County Historical Society.

You can ask about slavery and all that.

So did we ever get an answer?

Did Australia ever have slavery?

Because I called over there and tried to find out.

No one would give me an answer, yes or no.

I would think they did.

Yeah, let me do a little research here.

Yeah, hey, I wanted to do a research thing here.

Can you look it up for me, please?

I command you.

Yeah, hi, I command you to look something up for me, please,

in the county records there, the historical records.

That's funny.

All right. Well, I'll let you know what I got. So it's the question that I got here on the test is how many African-Americans from Summit County died in Vietnam in the Vietnam War?

Are you serious?

The answer I put down is not enough.

Oh, my God. What is wrong?

But I don't think that's appropriate. Do you think you give me a better answer than that?

Who are you?

Oh, this is Rex. Rex Millionaire.

She fell. She fell down a hole.

Here's why you didn't get any answer about history of slavery in Australia.

She filled out a whole

Dirty secret

Says here

A shackled

Flogged with kangaroo

Hide whips

And raped at will

Australia's slaves

Died by the thousands

Between 1842 and 1904

More than 60,000 men and boys

From the South Pacific Islands

Were kidnapped

And brought to Australia

1904?

To work as slaves

On plantations

As late as 1904?

Are you serious?

Yeah

That's what it says

It's an LA Times article

And there were

Commonwealth

You know

know possession at that point they were straight up british and the british were all like huh you

know during the civil war they're like you know oh god how archaic your slavery thing and they

they still promoted well they still had possessions that did that what about canada where

there's slaves there were no slaves in canada the slaves escaped to canada a lot of times yeah the

whole underground railroad went from the united states through up to canada as supported by miss

Ms. Harriet, tell them.

Tribble and I were having some fun last night calling people on the Isle of White in the UK

and telling them that we moved in down the street,

and I was asking them if they would be accepting of my black wife, Letitia.

Those are weird people.

You know, there's also the Isle of Man.

Yeah, we called them, too.

You've called them?

Yeah.

We asked them if it was founded by ostracized homosexuals.

The Isle of Man.

Okay.

Here's portage service and beverage.

What's portage?

Anyone know what portage is?

That's like when you portage something,

you're moving a boat across some kind of a barricade or a barrier,

like portaging a boat across a treacherous stretch of river

or something like that.

Well, that's ridiculous.

Portage, huh?

Yeah.

What's that about?

Hello?

What's the portage about?

You take my boat and push it down for me through the creek?

Will you do that for me?

What?

Will you push the boat down for me to the creek, down through the creek,

so I can get around the heavy water?

Is that what you do?

What are you talking about?

You're a motherfucker, you know that?

You asshole, you shit.

Yeah, you bitch.

Yeah, bitch, what are you talking about, son of a bitch?

Your mother I'm talking about.

Go fucking her.

You got a long mother, motherfucker.

Your mother, too.

Yeah, whatever.

I heard he sounded death-naked, so I figured.

First United Church of Christ.

I think I already called them.

Uh-oh.

Too late now.

Portage is the name of the street in this town that we're calling.

Here's Mature Services Incorporated.

Mature Services.

M-A-T-U-R-E.

I have no idea what they do.

Maybe like some kind of senior living place?

I don't know.

Yeah.

They change your adult diapers.

I say we get sexual, dirty, kinky sexual with them, right?

Oh, fuck yeah.

Thank you for calling Mature Services.

If you know your party's extension, dial it now.

Please hold the line.

We'll be right back with you.

Mature Services, how can I direct your call?

Yeah, hi.

Do you have any girl-on-girl action there today?

I'm sorry, excuse me?

Do you have any, well, can I speak to a charge nurse, please?

Sure, one moment.

Mature Services, Avenue 2 Recovers,

do you know how may I direct your call?

Are you the charge nurse?

No, I'm not.

I need to speak to the charge nurse.

uh she isn't in today but uh let me just see if i can get someone else who's the head nurse

who's the head nurse okay do you want uh her voicemail or would you like to talk to someone

else but she's not in today why not oh that's true hold on i'm gonna let you talk to nicole

okay hang on before you do that who's in charge today just hello yeah who's in charge today who's

in charge that's what i'm trying to transfer you to them now okay okay call mature services

avenues to recovery this nicole speaking this is mature the mature service machine right i'm sorry

this is mature services yeah this is mature services this is avenues to recovery more

specifically though yeah yeah i got you what can i help you with are you the charge nurse

so are you in charge today um i'm sorry are you in charge today there's multiple people here that

do different things so but what can what can i help you with uh well i'm gonna be delivering

some stuff today i got some medical supplies some catheters and disposable like old diapers

um i'm still on my out i'm still at the warehouse i'm on the computer wrapping up some stuff real

quick before i head out there and so i wanted to bring by that stuff i just wanted to see if i can

get exact information sir there's i don't know what's going on in the background i'm watching

a movie hang on let me do you can hear that i'm sorry let me turn that down a little bit i'm sorry

i was watching a i was watching cnn okay okay anyway um when i get to your i mean i already

gps'd and i figured out where i need to go but from there exactly should i where should i deliver

Do you have a loading dock?

Who are you supposed to be?

Do you have a name?

To the charge nurse, it says.

The charge nurse?

Yeah.

I'm going to put you on hold for one second, okay?

This is my favorite part right here.

She knows what she heard, right, guys?

Oh, yeah.

I got a boner.

I think she's touching herself now.

She heard S-E-X.

sex probably made her sad thank you for calling mature services i'm watching cnn over here

dial it now for avenue can i talk to him is this mature services again yeah do you want

porno or no sincerely appreciate your patience no problem please stay on the line we'll be back

in a moment you want sound effects pads or no are you good uh yeah well sure which one i got

all the ones you got i think the uh well actually i bought no sound effects okay i just want to see

See if they can provide some services, different types of services.

It's taking too long.

Shut up, Brad.

Sorry, I forgot that's not my show.

I got Brown Gus.

I don't know what that means.

Brown Gus, everybody.

Here it comes.

Brown Gus.

Brown Gus on the calling phone and the pasting and the green button and the add-in.

Oh, yeah, hey, we can call Swap Shop, motherfuckers, right?

Yeah, man.

Hi, you've reached the home of Pastor Gus.

Fuck that.

No answer there, but hey, Brad left.

He dropped off.

You know how he is.

He doesn't even say goodbye or nothing.

He just...

I know.

He's like a little turtle, like a turtle, you know?

Anyway, look, I think with 78% certainty,

I have found the toll-free line that I was looking for last week

for the night vision glare glasses that they say you can drive at night

with the glasses on, you know, and see better.

Nice.

Motherfuckers.

I think I finally found a number to talk to a human because that's what I was trying before.

I tested it, and it told me it was going to transfer me to a person.

So let us see.

Prepare yourself.

Hello, and welcome to the Night View MV order and information line.

Here, you'll get the best deals on Night View, the top-selling night vision glasses today.

We provide a secure and easy to use.

You see, when I call that number from Skype, it takes me to that.

that if i call if i call it for my if i call it for my cell phone however it actually takes me

to somebody the only way that i can figure to do i don't know where my cell phone went it was here

but the only way i could do this call it through google voice or something that too yeah but now

i don't know where my cell phone is i was just gonna put my cell phone on speaker and do it but

alas i have lost my cell phone that's so i don't know i don't know they they uh they route skype

calls differently apparently i don't know they must yeah maybe they get more uh you know pranks

and nuisance calls through Skype.

Probably, probably.

All right, here's a family looking for a good washer and dryer

and two dressers to buy.

Two dressers.

Also, Brad posted another Twitter complainer.

If you look at 321PM on the Skype chat.

Okay, there was another one there.

Yeah, a woman complaining about Walmart.

Okay, right before we lost him, apparently.

Okay, the Walmart.

Walmart, what does it take to get some decent customer service?

And then the hashtag, I'm not happy.

Here we go.

I should say, like, yeah, we get complaints like this from women all the time.

It's pretty common.

Get sexist with her.

Please

Trying again.

We have an alternate number for them that we will try.

Waiting for that.

We're looking for an infant boy clothes.

Looking for infant boy clothes in great condition.

I'm sorry, but the person you called has a voicemail.

And any other items for infant boys.

Please text or call.

Well, we're going to call.

Sorry, I can't do country.

Let's bounce her real quick here.

Try her again real quick.

While we wait for that, someone has for sale

four one-day passes to Dollywood.

Oh, we already talked to her.

Oh, they are out of numbers, I think.

Oh, no, no, they're reposting.

Never mind.

Never mind, never mind.

You have reached the voice mailbox of 4, 2, 3.

All right, here's someone who will babysit

any shift in her home or his.

We don't know if it's a he or she.

There's no name.

References provided as well.

We can go over the references.

Baz, are you with me?

would you like to be my gay boyfriend with a baby adopted yeah absolutely baby machine all right

see if we can get someone to pick up you can do it where are these numbers tennessee oh we're at

it we got a lady named mary looking for a 20 foot gallon 20 foot gallon a 20 to 30 gallon fish

aquarium yeah 30 gallon she's looking for one yeah she needs one she cracked her bouncing her

trying her again someone has a scooter for sale power chair lift for the back of the vehicle

slides in comfortably like the sounds of that sure try on the chair lift machine what time is

it in the uk it's about 8 30 p.m right yeah 8 30 p.m okay we've had good luck with you not uk wake

up calls but uk good night calls yeah we could try that all right cool but they get irritated

when you call after about 10 p.m oh so we'd have to wait a little longer oh yeah it's usually

It's usually they're just going to bed, and you wake them up, and they're pissed.

I'm trying Big Mike, who's looking for a set of metal cattle racks.

Hey, is that Big Mike?

Yeah.

How you doing, big boy?

Probably stripped down.

Yeah, you probably stripped down all your clothes.

Get down to your underwear and everything, you know?

Maybe even take those off.

Yeah.

Sometimes I just flip my underwear to the side, let the balls breathe a little bit, flap there.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you're looking for a set of metal cattle racks?

Yeah.

Yeah, what are you going to do, put your wife in it?

Yeah, I'm going to put her in it.

Okay, that's good.

That's good.

You're going to milk her?

You got a nice big heifer?

Huh?

You got a nice big heifer?

Yeah, I'm going to buy me two cows here probably next month or so.

Oh, yeah?

And I told him he said a metal cattle rack.

Yeah.

I got a set of wood, but it's going to be hard to fix.

Are you a motherfucker?

Where are you located at?

Oh, I'm here in Tennessee.

Are you a motherfucker?

Hello?

Yeah, are you a motherfucker?

I don't know what that is.

Are you a motherfucker asshole, you know?

Like a stupid asshole?

A stupid person?

What?

I don't know what that is ringing.

I don't know.

What's going on?

I don't know.

I thought that was on your end.

Yeah, is that you?

I'm sorry.

Yeah, there you go.

That's okay.

Anyway, are you a motherfucker?

motherfucker are you stupid asshole motherfucker is that the problem hello yeah i'm asking you if

you're a motherfucker oh yeah okay all right so you have uh sexual relations with your your mother

then yeah you fuck your mother all right yeah you're pretty happy you want to stay on we're

going to call people being dirty and nasty you want to stay and listen okay yeah that's a good

answer buddy want to make a prank yeah mike hang on mike we're going to call some people don't go

go anywhere mike as i like keeping these guys on sometimes it's a lot of fun yeah you know

this guy's a comic book collector you have reached three five seven three one oh damn that would

have been good looking for i'd like to talk to him yeah hey big mike you like them comic books

buddy yeah yeah i hear you now yeah okay cool do you like do you like those dirty comic books

what kind of cataracts you got oh they're big metal cattle ones they're really good yeah

you put heifers in there and everything and we would fist them you know oh yeah i would i would

put like a handful of antibiotics in my in my hand and i make a fist and i stick it all the

way up the cow's asshole and i let it open my fist and all the uh vitamins and stuff will get out

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you do it with your hand.

You put your hand up their asshole, you know?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Do you ever try that?

You have to get it into the last stomach because they have, like, what, four of them, I think.

Like for a long wheelbase truck or short wheelbase?

You want a long wheelbase truck?

Oh, I don't matter.

As long as I still ride, that's all I matter.

How big is your wife?

Yeah, how big is your wife?

Is she a big girl?

Is she what now?

I can see why you wouldn't want a wooden cattle rack, because if your wife is a big girl, they might break.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, we got them big ones.

You know, they're strong.

They're made out of metal.

Yeah, that's what I want.

Oh, yeah.

Where are you located at?

I'll let Cross answer that question.

We're in Memphis, but we travel.

We go to the public bathrooms, you know.

We fool around in public bathrooms.

bathrooms yeah we have uh every week we go to a different one and all the men in the area go to

the bathroom and we uh put holes in the bathroom wall you know we watch each other shitting and

pissing and jacking off and everything he's gone now if he understood that i guess he was just

staying on there like a motherfucker and he still is asking about the cattle rack yeah he's really

don't want no fucking things shit and piss oh yeah your call has been forwarded to an automatic

voicemail all right uh what's up with ann arbor michigan right right outside of detroit still

pretty hard hit isn't it i think ann arbor i don't know probably university of michigan's there

so it can't be done that bad the wolverines right okay let's uh get a close look here

the ann arbor hands-on museum find all the hands on some some things there yeah there we go get

hands-on right you can put your hand i'm gonna say i'll put my hand on the ass of the girls

when i'm walking around yeah girls like that when you grab their ass in public like you don't even

know where you're like hey nice ass like a little squeeze and over hands on museum yeah i really

like your place it's really hands-on right yeah yeah yeah because i was there and um like i saw

A cute girl, and I came behind her and said, hey, how you doing?

And I, you know, grabbed her behind a little bit, squeezed her a little bit, you know.

She's like, oh, hey, you know, and I got her phone number and everything.

It's hands-on.

Bad as you try.

Yeah.

Colic.

Ann Arbor Hands-On Museum.

Yes, hello.

My name's David Snozwell.

I'm going to be visiting Ann Arbor, and I just wanted a little information about your museum.

I'm thinking about bringing my family through.

Sure.

What would you like to know?

Yeah.

Yeah, so are you allowed to touch anything in the museum?

So how does it work?

Can you explain it to me?

All the exhibits are interactive, science and technology oriented.

So there will be a label telling you what to do,

and you'll push a button or manipulate it in some way.

Oh, wow, cool.

What happens when you push the button?

I mean, is there like explosions or anything like that?

Do you have any things that blow up?

No.

My son, he loves to blow things up.

We have rockets, but they don't actually blow up.

Oh, do they shoot up into the sky?

They go up and explode under the ceiling.

They're on wires.

They go up like two stories.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Are they pocket rockets?

Nope.

No?

Because my son, he's 14.

He likes to get his hands on his pocket rocket, if you know what I mean.

So is that okay if he does that there at your museum?

We're just trying to get some information.

Why?

Why are you doing this?

What do you mean?

I'm just calling for information.

Okay, bye.

Let me turn the TV down.

Why, why, why are you doing that?

Why?

I just want to try to conduct normal business,

just conduct normal business with that shit going on,

just to see how women react, or even men, you know?

Even men.

Here's a Firestone Complete Auto Care story.

I'm going to play it really loud on these guys.

Let's see if they stop me.

I'm just going to do it just to be like, I'm going to be legit.

I'm going to ask for a certain tire size.

Thank you for calling Firestone Complete Auto Care.

To better serve you, this call may be recorded for quality assurance.

Hey, buddy, how you doing?

I need to see what size tires I need for my son's car.

What now?

I need to find out what size tire I need for my son's car

and see if you have it in and for how much.

It's a 1988 Ford Escort.

Yeah.

It's the two-door.

I can tell you right now, I do not have them.

I apologize.

Do you know what size it is?

165 ADR 13.

Fuck yeah.

165.

I don't have.

Can I substitute?

Yeah, 165 ADR 13.

I don't have any.

I apologize.

Can you substitute a different one with a different wall size?

I don't have any for that car now.

I do apologize.

well how long would it take to get it what's up yeah next week do you have a recommendation

somewhere else i could go or what i should do i've called discount tires see what they like

yeah okay uh discount tires yeah why not give him a jingle okay oh yeah

i'm sorry what was that what did you say

what'd you say hang on i'm gonna call him back ask him what'd you say to do i was preoccupied

thank you for calling firestone complete auto care oh yeah i didn't hear that the tv was on

too loud insurance this is marco speaking what did you say to do this is barco yeah what did

you say that i had to do i'm sorry i was busy i was watching a movie and i didn't know what you

were telling me to do excuse me you called us yeah i called i called i was talking to some

I talked to some other guy about tires for a 88 Ford Escort.

Okay.

Yeah.

And he said to do something else, but I was busy.

Okay, hang on one second.

All right, boy.

That's cool.

I got the TV on.

Is it too loud?

Baz, turn that TV down.

Yeah.

Okay.

Watch the CNN back here.

Gary, what did you say to do?

I'm sorry.

I was kind of listening to you.

I can hardly hear you

I was kind of listening to you and watching

the TV at the same time

what can we do for you

you told me to do something but I wasn't

I was at that moment I wasn't

I would call discount hire

okay I just wanted to make sure because I was

I was coming right there and I didn't know

what you said

okay thank you

thank you so much

no problem thanks buddy

thank you so much

thank you

thank you here's an idea let's call uh admissions at a major university playing a porno loop and see

what happens with a speaking seriously though you know like trying to be serious that's all i'm

getting out of high school uh if i could find a number because i think all these people do

this shit online now right yeah yeah hold on here's contact us maybe a smaller university

University or something. Oh, I found by

phone. Here we go. We'll call the main switchboard.

I'm sure it'll get me through to someone.

Well, you look

for one, too. You look for somebody.

All right. Okay.

And also, Nunu

once had gotten us... Welcome to the

Office of Undergraduate Admissions.

For general admissions questions and to

check on the status of your application,

press 1.

For directions to our office...

You have reached the Office of Undergraduate Admissions at the

University. All representatives

Representatives are assisting other callers.

Please hold, and your call will be answered by the next available representative.

Thank you.

In line, you are caller number...

One.

Woo-hoo!

Continue to hold, and your call will be answered in the order it was received.

Oh, my God.

All representatives are still busy.

Please stay on the line.

Your call is very important to us.

Oh, my God.

You are caller number...

One.

As I'm hungry, I want to go.

All I had was one string cheese.

That's all I've had.

today good afternoon office of undergraduate admissions this is mary how can i help you

yeah hi i was wondering um my counselor said that i could call if i have questions about a mission

i'm a senior right now okay and okay so he i got it written down yeah what is the deadline day

for the fall semester it was well are you a transfer applicant or a freshman i'm uh i'm

gonna graduate high school okay so it was it was february 1st oh is there a late registration um

Um, no.

Oh.

What do I do?

Um, well, you can apply in October for winter.

All my friends are going in the fall.

I'm sorry.

You've missed the deadline.

This is bull crap.

Can I talk to your manager, please?

Um, hold on, please.

Office of Undergraduate Admissions.

How can I help you?

Yeah, hi.

Hi, this is Eddie.

I'm a senior at Missoula High School.

Yes.

And I was, my counselor told me to call to find out why about getting a mission for the fall semester.

Okay.

And the girl was saying that it was too late, that I couldn't do it because of my ethnicity or something like that, she said, that I didn't qualify.

fine yeah so what our our final application deadline for freshman admission was february

1st however um you could still apply but we are only reviewing applications on a space available

basis so because it's nearly almost a month after the deadline we can't guarantee that

your application will be evaluated but if it's not we'll let you know about it um that's pretty

pretty much i'm having trouble hearing you sorry what was that let me turn the tv down i was

watching cnn and i can't really hear you i'm sorry so you're saying that i can still get in

all right great i'm saying you can still apply and we're evaluating applications on a space

available basis so i'm so angry there's a chance that your application will not be evaluated but

they'll let you know if it's not going to be i'm so angry i'm gonna piss and turn up my porno all

All the way up now.

That's what I'm watching is porn.

Okay, can you hear me?

Yeah.

Okay.

So, since it's almost a month past our deadline, we are accepting applications on a space-available basis.

So, you can apply, but there's no guarantee that your application will be evaluated.

What about FOO?

What was that?

What about FOO?

What about it?

So, you can still apply, but there's no guarantee that your application will be evaluated,

because at this point we're only evaluating applications on a space-available basis.

Okay, can you give me like a 50-50?

What was that?

Can you give me like a 50-50?

What are my chances, 60%?

Well, I can't give you chances because I don't know anything about your application,

but this year we had a record number of applicants for a limited number of spots,

so the space is very tight.

Right. If I were you, I would wait until...

I'm cum loud.

I would apply for the winter semester.

I'm cum loud at my high school. I'm cum loud.

I cum loud.

And that deadline's October 1st, so you would have ample time to complete an app for that.

Hang on just a minute. It's just shaking it out. Okay. I think I got it.

Do you have any... Did you get that information?

I think I kind of... Yeah.

Do you have any other questions?

Wait, what did you say?

I wasn't paying attention.

Okay, so you could still, you could apply for winter term, which would start next January.

That deadline's October 1st.

Let me write that down.

Do you have any other questions?

I'm running out of my hand.

Hang on.

Okay, I got it.

No, that's it.

I think I'm good.

All right.

You're breaking up.

I can't hear you.

Do you have any other questions?

No, you can hear what I'm doing.

I'm peeing.

I'm in the bathroom.

Hello?

I'm in the bathroom.

room you know i'm in the bathroom okay would you like to call me back i think i will yeah because

i'm not remembering anything you're saying i'm just concentrating on moving my bowels and my

urine okay all right you have a great day okay bye she thought it was funny all lines are busy

please hold university montana yeah hi um my counselor said to uh give a call uh my name is

eddie and i am a student at missoula high school and i'm going to be getting the uh come loud and

everything like that you know they said hello yes go ahead and did you need uh academic advising

well you know what i'm what i'm needing is you know because i wanted to see about going there

and talking to someone about the studying you know the books and everything one moment

admissions enrollment this is carly yeah hi i was calling to see if i could find out

my counselor said to call after school about admissions here what when is the deadline

the deadline for what semester for the he said fall semester i guess that's false i'm watching

tv is it too loud i can't hear you i'm watching tv is it too loud hang on i'll turn it down

sorry i was watching the news um okay uh the fall semester he said to ask about well we have a

rolling admission so all the way up until the date that uh fall semester starts but the sooner

All right, so I'm going to go down there.

Should I talk to you specifically, honey, baby?

All right, do the one, fill out the application online.

You can get a physical application.

And I'm not 18 yet.

I'm still 17.

I can get started.

Are you going to graduate this year?

Yeah.

Yeah, you can still apply.

Yeah, I'm going to come loud, they said.

I'm going to come loud.

I'm going to come loud, you know?

Okay.

That's why the counselor said, you're going to come loud.

I'm like, wow, yeah, man.

Yeah.

Totally, yeah.

So we get together after school sometimes.

We do drugs and stuff.

We smoke drugs.

We use the bathroom.

We business chicken.

We chase the chicken around.

We start doing methadone.

We do mushrooms and throw up.

We have a farm here with chickens, and the mushrooms grow in the chicken feces and all that.

Awesome.

Yeah.

Can I help you with anything else?

There's a public park right down the way.

We walk down there, too.

We let some of the chickens loose.

We just go flying.

We say, hey, little chicken.

We play little chicken.

Little chicken, little chicken.

Do you have any more questions?

I think I'm good.

You said the registration ended February 1st,

and you'll see the applications on an as-space-is basis, you said.

That's what you said, right?

You said the deadline was February 1st.

The deadline for what?

For the admissions.

Admissions.

That's what I wrote down that you said.

Admissions stop February 1st, it says here.

No, for the fall semester, it goes up until the fall semester begins.

So the fall semester would most likely begin in August.

That's not what I wrote down here.

That's not what you put down.

That's not what you put down here.

That's not what I wrote down that you said.

You said something else.

You said it cut off on February 1st.

That's what you said to me.

I didn't drink February 1st.

You sure?

Yes.

Okay.

I'm peeing now.

How's that?

Does this help me?

Does that help me get in?

I think I drank too much old chicken.

Does that help get in the squirt?

We like to piss and vomit.

We make ourselves throw up on the floor.

We do golden showers together and everything.

He wants to be my roommate.

He's the valedictorian.

His name is Dr. Baz, we call him.

He's not a doctor.

He's going to be a doctor.

there i'm dr baz they call me that at school because i'm so smart i've just been drinking

old chicken it's great oh that's awesome you ever try the old chicken what you ever try drink old

chicken no so whiskey it's great i think i drink too much we live on a farm in michigan that's

what we do for fun after class we drink whiskey and call about college yeah it's cool man so maybe

Maybe when I come down there to take a look, you know, maybe me and you go, you know, I

could take you out.

We can hang out.

You like to party?

I think it's all out.

You like to party?

Yeah.

Um, you guys have a great day.

Are you a three input girl?

Is she, Baz?

Right?

I think so.

Yeah.

She sounded like it.

God damn it.

I think she's down for just about anything.

Yeah.

i'm gonna go now you extended me you and brad both of you shame extended me all right well

that was my my trick my ploy so now i don't have to do a show because we went so long

oh yeah you're a chicken shit loser that's why yeah yeah that's why it was fun i had fun thanks

for being there bass thanks buddy thank you thank you chicken bye bye all right well what did we

we learned today carlito is an asshole he likes to say god damn it to the churches you already

knew that shit though the whole true anyway listen guys i plan to do a show thursday tomorrow still

okay now you know with me sometimes i flake out something happens i'm like i don't want to do

and i don't do it i would have stayed on another hour but i got shit that i got to do i just

remembered so none of that none of that but uh look for me to be on thursday as scheduled 10

p.m eastern and stay tuned you never know someone always does a show go to is there a show.com

that's great site by dashi thank you all right everybody bye you're a real charmer bye

Calls (46, 1 h 46 min of 3 h 1 min)

Transcript

Comments 0