Special Time Agent Garcia

You said International Telephone Business Machines?

What the fuck, B?

Why the fuck you keep calling me, man?

Fuck you.

Obviously, you're playing games.

I don't give a fuck what you're talking about, all right?

I don't give a fuck about no Grand Theft Auto.

I'm not the fucking one for you to be playing with, all right?

So stop fucking calling my phone.

You're talking about some Grand Theft Auto fucking video game shit, nigga.

Some real mad shit.

Fuck out of here.

Fuck you, boy.

Stop calling my fucking phone, B.

Fuck, you keep calling me.

I'm sorry.

I just, I came from Europe on a boat.

Stop fucking calling me, dog.

You understand what I'm saying?

Stop fucking calling me.

Yeah, all right there.

So stop fucking calling me, you fucking faggot!

Yeah, I feel bad insulting a woman.

Is it possible to put a man on the phone?

A man where?

But just get a man.

A man? But all the person right now is ladies.

How can I help you, sir?

So give me the lady with the biggest tits.

Well, your mother is not here right now.

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Hey, everybody.

Good afternoon.

Or morning.

Depends on your dependence.

I'm Carlito.

I'm here with Jen Stewart.

Hey, Jen.

Hello.

Hey, man.

Long time no talk.

How you doing, buddy?

Yeah, I'm doing okay.

Good, good.

We're here to do some prank calls.

I'm so excited.

Yay!

Let's jump right into it, Jen.

Austin Tenants Council.

Let's see if they pick up there.

A tenant, I don't know if you know what that means.

Do you know what a tenant is, or is that an American term?

You tell me.

A tenant, as in a resident?

Let me turn that music down.

Yeah, that's a good idea. Turn that music down.

And turn me down as well, so I can hear myself.

There you go. Better? Yet?

Yeah.

Probably.

Working on it.

Yeah, yeah. It's all right. Now I can't hear it.

Okay.

There you go. Technically, she's out of the way.

Anyhow, a tenant then.

A tenant!

Yes.

Yeah, so it's like a resident.

It's a...

Somebody who lives in a place.

In a place.

Rents a place.

A tenant.

I'm a tenant.

You're not an owner.

You're a tenant.

All right.

Well, it's a council.

Imagine what that means.

Oh, my God.

Thank you for calling the Austin Tenants Council.

If you know your party's extension, you may enter it at any time.

Our office hours are Monday through Friday, 8 a.m.

Shut up.

Please hold while I try that extension.

Extension zero.

Jen's my favorite one.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I like seven.

Seven, seven, seven.

Seven, seven.

Yeah, hi.

Yes, I wanted to speak to someone.

I want to be on the council.

I'm really into drama and backstabbing and stuff like that,

so I thought I could get on the council and kind of backstab my way up the ranks pretty quickly.

I wanted to kind of backstab my way up on the ranks of the council really quickly, you know,

by spreading false rumors and lies about other people and buying some guys out,

you know maybe going out for lunch or golf some of the other members of the council okay do you

need any help with tenant landlord issue the with what you're a little mush mouth are you a special

kid special ed guy were you just sleeping i don't know no i couldn't hear i was just asking so i

know do you need help with tenant landlord issue no i wanted to join the council i wanted to be

run for election on the council okay how do i do that i don't know i wouldn't be able to help you

with that what do you do are you on the council machine no what do you do how are you employed

then i'm i work at the front desk okay you're not a member of the council you're just employed

to answer the phone yes is it a big is it a big council no no how many members i don't know no

you know you just don't want to tell me how do you come on tell me i know you know you answer

the phone there come on all right one second please jesus thank you for holding we sincerely

I dearly appreciate your patience.

Please stay on the line.

We'll be back in a moment.

Mr. Staswell's here.

Hello.

How's the sound for you, Jen?

I mean, what do you think?

Yeah, it sounds good.

It sounds like you're in a little box.

In a little box.

Yeah, it's like that now.

I had to fix that.

I figured you maybe, you know, you gave up the house and...

No, no, no.

It says masturbation box.

Oh, he sounds good, though.

Baz, you sound great.

You always suck it.

Yeah.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Good to hear you too, Jen.

Yeah, thanks.

Yeah, that's not how we solve our problems is hanging up the phone.

What happened?

Do you have a landlord issue?

Yeah.

How can I help you?

I need to speak to the councilman, one of the council people, please.

Okay, well, we don't actually have any council members here.

They don't work.

Well, put me through.

I can hold.

We don't have any council members here.

I have their number.

I don't even know who they are.

Are you in an office space or are you inside a house?

What's your problem?

We're in an office.

We're a small nonprofit.

You're a small nonprofit and you have council members

numbers and they're not there that sounds like a racket it sounds like a racket to me who's in

charge over there right now do you do you need well apparently you apparently you damn people

are representing me and i don't know where my dues are going to i'm paying dues and the tenants

council is running things apparently uh for all the tenants in austin and i can't get a hold of

someone in in uh control over there to get something taken care of okay well you need to

See, if you need help, you'll either need to call our counseling line or make an appointment.

All right, well, where's Nikisha Phoenix?

Is she there?

Nathan Plummer?

Any of them?

Linda?

What's your name?

This is Cross.

Cross?

Yeah.

What's your last name?

Lopez.

Okay, and what exactly did you need?

I tell them I command them to get on the phone.

Okay, one second.

All right.

I'm going to make it happen.

I don't care if it takes all show.

I'll keep them on in the bag and keep them at home.

I mean, you've got legitimate concerns.

Concerns.

What kind of racket is that, the Tenants Council?

What the fuck do they do?

Well, we just get money somehow, and we support ourselves.

It's all about the money.

Yeah, it's all about the money, huh?

What?

It's all about the money?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

All right, well, I'm still waiting.

I'm still talking to you and not one of them,

so I don't talk to the low people on the totem pole.

It's what you actually need, though.

That's my problem.

I don't talk to the help, sir, okay?

I don't have to tell you.

i have to tell one of the members why because i'm upset because you people are messing up

left and right why you people you know who i mean by you people the stupid council

the tenants council so why are you sad about it because i'm trying to get uh holes drilled in my

apartment and they said no they said no you can't do it you're a tenant here and i said well that's

not fair it's america it's a free country and the lady said well tell the austin tenant council

it's it's their problem that you guys are the ones that made the decisions and everything for

the tenants and i guess you guys have some kind of rule that i can't drill holes in my wall

to put um like networking cable and telephone lines and stuff that i'm trying to move around

in a cable box i'm trying to get the cable box you know i'm trying to move it to a different part

we don't oversee anything like that we that's that's what she said she's in charge here at

my apartment and she said tell it to the austin uh tenants council she said like that and hung up

the phone well we don't i mean we don't we we're not there we don't they don't you know we don't

we're not the ones who tell you that you can't do that we're the ones i know i said i said that to

her and she said no no they're in charge she said you're a tenant and if you have a problem you tell

the austin tenants council and they'll fix it she said just like that that you guys are the people

that are gonna um that are putting the rules and that i can't drill holes and stuff and if i want

that reverse to talk to you guys so come on let's get i need whatever permit or whatever it is or

i'm just gonna go ahead and do it i don't give a shit let me talk to those people where's nikki

shat she sorry you'll need to she doesn't even deal with that kind of stuff you would need to

to counseling hotline and they'd be able to help you over the phone all right well put me through

okay um now you have a phone there you know how it's the one o'clock for lunch but if you call

call us back at one o'clock um 474-1961 yeah and they're going to help you but but like i was

saying we're the ones that help you with that but we we're not telling you that you can't do it

that's your apartment doing that no they they said to tell it to you people that's how he said

That's how she said it.

She said, too bad, and then she hung up, and she was like, F-U-C-K-U and everything.

So I have to make a complaint to you people also about that.

You were saying that.

Okay, well, I don't know why she's saying all that, but in order for us, you can call

our council, and I know we can help you.

474-what now?

Fine.

I'll have to call them later, I guess, in an hour, a half hour.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

Have a good day.

All right, asshole.

Don't want to.

I'll have to call that other place in a half hour.

F-U-C-K-U.

Yeah, that's what he said, because that guy that I'm playing, he doesn't get into stuff like that.

Anyway, listen, Habitat for Humanity, extension 100, now we know, right?

All right.

That's right.

Yeah.

Stephanie Ruiz?

No.

Please leave your message after the tone.

When done, hang up or press.

All right.

Anyway, here's a goat farm, Nanny Goat Farms.

Yeah.

Let me do it.

Come on.

Do they have a phone?

Oh, no.

They don't have a phone, seriously.

Oh.

I know.

Hang on.

I'll look for it.

So you're calling Austin?

What kind of shit?

Yeah.

Yeah, Austin.

Nanny Goat.

I've got a hemorrhoid treatment center near Austin.

Do you want that number?

Yeah, yeah, I get that.

That sounds good.

Is it called the Hemorrhoid Relief Center?

Yeah, something like that.

Okay, I think, well, that sucks.

Here's a phone number listed as them.

All right, we'll try that.

that, Nanny Goat Farms. See, Jen,

I might have been able to fix it.

Uh-huh. There's always a way.

No, you didn't fix it, but I'll do it anyway.

Okay. This is the Nanny Goats.

Yep. Very good. And then Baz has

that hemorrhoid.

This is Jessica. Yes, hello.

Hello. Hello. Yes, I would like to

make an inquiry about Nanny Goats.

What do you mean, excuse me? I said

I'd like to make an inquiry. Hello.

Oh. I don't know. It's exciting.

What was that about? Hello.

Yeah, hi.

We got disconnected a second ago.

Yes.

How can I help you?

How can you help me?

Well, first of all, you can not be so rude.

I was just trying to make an inquiry.

There was no need for you to hang up.

Why did you do that?

Because I thought you were a telemarketer.

Do I sound like a telemarketer to you?

If you're calling me on my cell phone and I don't know you

and I couldn't understand you, you do sound like a telemarketer.

So you're actually...

I'm a gentleman.

I'm not a telemarketer.

I'm a gentleman.

I was trying to make an inquiry about Nanny Goats.

That's how I got your number.

Nanny Goat Farms is not the number to this cell phone.

I don't know how Google made it that way.

Oh, is that right?

So who are you then?

What do you do?

I don't really see why you care.

I'm just wondering how the Nanny Goat thing ended up on Google with your number.

It's a bit random, isn't it?

It is.

So what do you do?

Maybe you tell me what you do.

I can replace the number and say, actually, this belongs to somebody who works in, I don't know.

What do you do?

This is my personal cell phone.

I have a job.

You don't offer any particular services or anything.

You have just like a dead-end job or something.

I'm really about to hang up on you because you're kind of being a dick now.

I'm being a dick?

Yeah, you just said you have some dead-end job that you don't care about.

I'm just asking you.

It was a question.

I'm asking you do you have a dead end job

now you're saying I'm a dick

what the fuck is wrong with you

you need a slap in the mouth or something

do you not have a man to give you a good slap

oh thanks okay

I'm going to hang up now

yeah you do that

where was she picking

that's great

she probably works there

she's probably like the owner

give her a ring back

I want to see if I can say that further

you can tell her that I'm the guy that you're sending over

Slap her in the mouth

Ask her if she's like

She works there

I'm busy she does

We better stop

Before it becomes harassment

Right guys

Yeah right

Yeah we don't want that

Uh

Okay

What's up

I told you I'd fix it

We got the nanny goat farm

To pick up

Pest control anybody

Austin pest control

Yeah sure

I'll take it

Thank you for calling

Bulwark exterminating

Your call may be monitored

Or recorded

For existing customers, please press 1.

To set up a new service, please press 2.

For our test control, this is Steven.

Yeah, listen, we've got a big problem with a little chicken that's loose here.

I'm going to put Dr. Baz on the line.

He's the administrator.

Okay.

Yeah, hey, how are you doing today?

Good, how's your head doing?

Yeah, this is Baz Snozwell.

I'm the administrator here in the facility.

We've got a problem with a chicken running around.

I was wondering if you could send somebody out and kill the chicken.

You know what?

We actually don't take care of chickens.

You need to call a wildlife specialist.

It's a pest, though.

It's fucking annoying.

We've been chasing it around with a broom, and all it's doing is pissing it off.

And now it's nipping at us, and it just bit Jin in the cock.

He's bleeding.

What city are you guys located in?

Austin.

You need to call, like, True Tech.

They take care of wildlife.

That's your best bet.

No, we want to do this on the down low.

They said it's not wildlife.

They told us it's not wildlife.

I already called, and they said it's here.

Hold on one second.

Let me show my search department.

Help me out, okay?

Shit.

All right, hear the fuck up.

Hello, this is Sarah.

How can I help you?

Hey, Big Sarah.

How are you doing?

This is Baz Stonswell.

I'm the administrator here at the facility, and we were transferred to you because we

have got a pest problem we need you to take care of immediately.

I think you might be able to hear the problem in the background.

It's a chicken, and it's crazy, and it's on the loose.

And we need to have this taken care of discreetly.

Fuck.

Discreetly.

I mean, I was very businesslike.

Yeah, you were.

I'll call back.

Discreetly, I like that.

Locksmith Jim.

Ooh, a locksmith.

Yeah, yeah, I'll do it.

Thank you for calling Bulwark.

This call may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance.

Hi, this is Carson with Bulwark.

How can I help you?

Yeah, how do you say there, Nibble Nuts?

I don't know what's the problem here.

You're putting us on the line and transferring us to smart women that hang up on us,

and we've got a problem.

We need to have it taken care of.

We've got money to spend, and we need this pest taken care of immediately.

Is this Frank Rizzo?

No, it's not.

This is David Snozzwell.

David Snozzwell?

Okay, how can I help you today?

I don't know who this Rizzo is you speak of.

And how can I help you?

Do you need some chickens taken care of or something?

Yeah, I mean, we're trying to run a business here,

And, I mean, I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

I'm actually, frankly, quite offended right now.

We're a business.

We've got a pest problem.

We call it pest control.

And you're going on about some Frank Rizzo or some other bullshit.

We've got a chicken.

It's on the loose.

It's running around.

It's a nuisance, and we need it taken care of.

And can you guys do that or not?

Yeah, let me get you over to our chicken exterminating department.

Hold on one second.

Hey, sir, this is a business.

I don't know what the fuck you're going on about.

Oh, man.

Asshole.

All right.

Locksmith is now.

Well, let me do the hemorrhoid also.

Oh, yeah.

I'll do that.

The hemorrhoid treatment center.

Okay.

I'm about to call a phone or mobile.

Yes, thank you for that for now.

Yeah, no shaking.

I'm the GI center.

We specialize in all gastrointestinal, liver, and pancreatic diseases.

Good afternoon, GI center.

This is Lisa.

Yeah, the first thing is I don't need the hard sell from the beginning when I first call.

You know, I called in and the first thing I started hearing was like a hard sell about the, you know, we're the best at this and your GI tract will clean it really good to get the shit out of there and all that.

I don't need to hear that when I first call in.

I'm sorry.

I'm at the beach right now.

I'm out of town.

I wanted to see.

I live in Austin and I want to see about getting an appointment when I get back in.

I'm a new patient fucking machine.

gene okay with dr mayor dr sudiki would you like to see is dr sudiki a woman or no dr sudiki is a

man is there a female or a male are they both males they're both males i have a nurse practitioner

that's here okay and that's a male also that's a female oh very nice all right and who's that

her name is gene okay all right very nice i like that all right yeah because i'm here i'm at the

the beach and like i've been looking back there with a mirror you know and i can swear this thing

is just hanging out really it looks like a small clit coming out of my ass right now so i really

think you know like i was getting a massage yesterday and the massage person the person

doing the massage was like yeah you really should get this thing looked at i mean he was

she was grabbing at it and squeezing it a little bit and it hurt a lot okay yeah can you put that

sat down on the report well i'm not a medical assistant i'm just a receptionist so would you

like to speak with a medical assistant yeah is it a man can you put a man on the phone that's

the problem with talking to women is that you girls don't know everything from the beginning

the medical assistants we have are women i don't have a male medical assistant all right all right

can you put on the sexiest one one moment okay let me get it for you all right i'm at the beach

and in the winter still why the hell would you be calling for hemorrhoids if you're on the beach

we'll be back in town when we get this exact from the beach anyway i gotta get this taken

care of right now maybe the female uh medical assistant will uh suck on it like a little dick

yeah that's fucking that's pretty gross i think i made myself sick thinking about that thanks man

That's, yeah.

It's like a little clit.

Ugh.

All right, well, we'll do something else in the meantime.

We'll try that locksmith, Jim.

I don't want her to come in the middle of the fucking locksmith.

You're afraid of that?

All right, we won't ruin that number.

I'll do a different one.

We'll do Texas Coffee Traders, because they'll pick right up.

They should.

And ask if Monica Geller is there.

Is Phoebe and Monica there, and Joey?

I hate that show.

My wife watches that show every day.

I fucking love it

I saw every episode

Thank you for holding how can I help you

Yeah hey honey how are you

I'm doing just fine thank you how are you

Oh good yeah listen I wanted to see about getting this thing zapped

I'm here at the beach right now

I stepped into the restroom

Because the seagulls are making too much noise

You know

Anyway so look

I'm looking at it now

I've got the mirror behind me

And it sticks out like a clit

Like right because it's kind of like upper left

Left, but I guess it's upper right because I'm looking in the mirror.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

And I was getting a massage yesterday.

I'm here on vacation with my wife and her kid, not mine, the little bastard, I call him.

Anyway, she said I need to get this taken care of.

She squoze on and everything, and her hurt really bad.

Uh-huh.

All right.

Okay.

So what we can do.

Do you put a laser up my asshole, or what do you do exactly?

No.

Okay.

Now, basically, what you'd have to do is you'd come in and the doctor would do a rectal exam on you.

At that point in time, he would determine what it is first.

Because you have to know what it is first.

Okay.

So that's what you'll have to do first.

You should have to make an appointment for an office visit first so that way they can determine what it is.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

I just, I wasn't listening.

What were you saying?

You have to come into the office for an office visit first

because the doctor has to determine what it is.

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

Hang on.

So they can get you in a...

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Hang on.

Okay, anyway.

All right, let me write this down now.

You said...

Okay, so when can I set the appointment for?

It's like an evaluation, I guess, is it?

Hello?

Okay.

Is that like an evaluation then?

That is correct.

Okay.

All right, set the appointment for me then.

Okay, hold on just a minute.

I'm going to let the receptionist get that for you.

All right, I'll see you later.

Bye.

All right, I'm done with her.

I think she was laughing at the pissing.

I think she just wanted to start peeing.

I was in the bathroom, so.

Disgusting and vile.

Yeah, it was pretty gross.

But it sounded real on the line, you know?

Yeah.

Locksmith time.

Okay, yeah, this should be fun.

But no seagulls or chickens.

Nope, no seagulls.

Yes, how you doing?

I got your number off a friend of mine called Shafiq.

He said you're a really good locksmith and you do Solihull area?

yeah we cover cellular yeah yeah brilliant yeah so who's the uh who's the boss man there

uh my husband he's just been out on a call out uh what can we help you with how can i get hold

of him i've got i've got a bit of a you know i've a bit of a special request actually uh just let me

know what it is uh run it past me first because like i'm part owner i think we can help you first

i don't i don't think you've got the right frame of mind to be quite frank you sound

a bit too tarty for me i need to actually speak with a man because i think yeah i don't think

you've got what it takes well just just tell me because like i said you know it's my business as

well i run it with my husband so if you run it past me all right i'm gonna run it past you listen

i'm gonna run it past you but i don't want you to get offended or anything like that do you

understand no i won't get offended right here's the idea right do you know where solly hole college

is i should imagine sir yeah yeah well outside the college there is a massive car park i'm

serious it is huge yeah last night right there were three ferraris there right do you understand

where i'm going with this yeah go on carry on yeah so i i want to get i want to get one of

those ferraris do you know what i mean right so you want you want a nick one yeah oh yeah you

You know what, you don't have to put it that way, you know, I just want one.

Well, I'm afraid to say that we wouldn't be able to do that.

Now, see, that is exactly why, that is exactly why...

It's probably best if you buy a lottery ticket.

That is exactly why I wanted to talk to your husband and not you,

because I knew you'd say, oh, no, oh, oh, oh, oh.

My husband would be the same.

He's more strict than what I am.

Oh, he would be bollocks. Your husband's got a set of bollocks, hasn't he?

He's got a big set of bollocks.

Yeah, but he wouldn't do that.

Of course he would, of course he would.

Of course you would.

It's a fucking Ferrari.

What do you mean he wouldn't do that?

If he was going to get a Ferrari for anyone, I would want one.

And he wasn't going to go on for me, and he certainly wouldn't do it for you, would he?

This is what I'm saying, right?

If you get involved with me and your husband, the three of us, we can get those Ferraris.

There's one for each of us, because there were three of them there last night.

That's one for each of us.

Yeah, we could go racing down the streets, couldn't we?

Fucking brilliant.

So when can we do it?

We could pick up a couple of sluts and, yeah, we could have a while of a time.

Shit, are you up for that?

No.

So what do you say it for, then?

I don't know.

It's probably what you're thinking.

I don't know.

Well, you said it.

Why would you say it?

You just ruined it, didn't you?

Is that funny?

Oh, God.

No, I'm sorry, but you might have to carry on dreaming, Ferrari.

I don't think that's fair at all.

i think you know you didn't really give it a chance to be honest even if we did something

like which we would have not in a million years a ferrari would be a main dealer key anyway you

wouldn't be able to just like you know cut a key and it's a main dealer key so but you're a locksmith

yeah but you still need like software to program the key into a car so you don't have that ferrari

you'd have to get it from the main dealer you don't have that no any main dealers have that

software to do things like that i'm gonna kill shafiq right because he said you were a good

locksmith he said you could do this shit right okay it

It sounds to me like you can't do anything over there.

We could do things, but we don't like breaking the law.

What about stealing a Ford, a Ford Escort?

What's the point of doing a Ford Escort?

They're rubbish.

Yeah, but we could get the parts, you know, scrap the parts.

And who would buy a Ford Escort?

They're, like, near enough ancient.

Nobody has Ford Escorts anymore.

Come on, don't be daft.

Everybody buys a Ford Escort.

Oh, yeah, when you're, like, back in 1994, maybe, but not now.

Yeah, anybody would buy an Escort.

Look, listen, look, we need to start a little business together,

the three of us, right?

You know who you sound like?

Like that bloke who does, like, the Funny Sims videos on YouTube and stuff like that.

Does it?

Yeah.

Does it?

Yeah.

All right, but listen, where's your husband now?

I really want to get that fucking Ferrari.

I don't know what you're laughing about.

I'm telling you, I actually want that Ferrari.

I think the three of us should go there tonight and get the Ferraris.

We should just jump over the wall and just get in there.

And you do your thing, I'll do my thing, and then, you know, we'll just drive off.

Yeah, but if there's a wall, if they jump over the wall,

are you going to drive it out

if it's all like

walls around everywhere

what if it just crashed

through the gate

yeah but it

then it'd be smashed

then wouldn't it

no come on

don't be stupid

it's a Ferrari

it's going to

fucking break down

the walls

you can

it's like a tank

yeah I bet it

I bet it'd just

crumble off

I bet

I bet the

you don't know shit

about cars

this is why I wanted

to talk to a man

you don't know

nothing about cars

I bet

probably a whole lot

more than what you do

trust me yeah yeah that's why you said a ferrari is going to break

if you knew i was like you say you do you'd know that a ferrari you can't really get the you can't

really just get in there and take the car it's got a mobilizer in that and with the immobilizer

you have to have special software no that's bollocks you're just making that up just to

try and get out of it now right okay you see what i mean who's that in the background tell

Tell him to shut up.

That's my son.

Yeah, tell him to be quiet.

No, I ain't going to tell him to be quiet.

It's like, you know...

Shut him up.

We're busy talking, you know,

and he's making noise in the background.

Do not give him any discipline.

What are you laughing about?

I'm laughing at you.

I find you hilariously funny.

Do you?

Yeah.

Yeah, then I reckon we should get together.

And do what?

I don't know.

Pick up a couple of sluts and an escort.

You know what I mean?

I can imagine.

Maybe we should go down that James Turner Street

and we could pick up some ones from there, couldn't we?

Can we do that?

Are you up for that?

Yeah.

Yeah, we could go and get that, what's the name of that white D?

I'm sure she'd be up for that.

Yeah.

Wicked.

I really like you.

You know that.

Oh, good.

You've had me in stitches, I'm telling you.

You are taking a piss, really, aren't you?

I am.

Of course I am, yeah.

I still want the Ferrari, though.

Yeah, I wouldn't mind a Ferrari.

Probably everyone would like a Ferrari, but, you know.

So why don't you help me get one?

Yeah, I'll cut one.

Yeah, but your husband, he can get one.

He wouldn't anyway.

He wouldn't just go out and just nick a couple of hours for one.

Oh, come on.

Of course he would.

Come on.

Of course he would.

Yes, he would.

Yeah.

All right.

Say, um...

He does the YouTube videos for GTA 5 where he takes the piss out of them.

You really do.

Do I?

Yeah.

I'm actually that guy.

You're not.

I am.

Yeah, if you're that guy then, when you took the piss out of GTA 5, do it.

I'm the phone jacker.

I'm the original phone jacker.

I called up in London at the Rolls Royce place.

Yeah.

Is it worth a shag?

I probably wouldn't be able to control me, you know.

Listen, I can control a Ferrari.

I can control...

Come on, give me another kid.

I don't want any more kids.

Oh, come on, you'd love it.

I don't want any more kids.

I've got four.

That's enough.

Four?

Yeah.

Fucking hell.

Four kids.

Yes, it's no wonder you can't break into a Ferrari.

All right, we're done with you then.

I'm going to come and see you in a bit, all right?

You won't come and see me in a bit, honestly.

I will.

I fucking will.

Oh, God.

You don't even know where I live.

I know where you are.

Let me find out.

I don't know.

I'll find out where you are.

I'm actually in Birmingham.

So, how can you be in Birmingham and cover Solihull?

Er, because Solihull is on the outskirts of Birmingham.

Fuck off, it's nowhere near!

Right, you go on and get a map and have a look.

Yeah, alright, you're right actually, it's quite close.

See, isn't that silly?

If you want to make a Ferrari, how do you know how to make a Ferrari if you don't even know the roads?

To be honest, I don't know very much about anything.

yeah all right lady i'm done with you all right take care all right say hi to your husband

okay bye bye bye wow jen you could have totaled you're gonna fuck her are you gonna yeah i could

have i think you will i know yeah she wanted you you're gonna call her dirty monkey you're gonna

be like hey hi i'm jen i'm an athlete and i'm gonna fuck that's what you're gonna say yeah

Yeah, she was up for it.

Four fucking kids.

Wow.

Four fingers.

Hey.

All right, we got to call the Austin Tenant Council's counseling line.

Why were we calling?

What was I doing again?

What was my problem?

Oh, yeah, I remember.

They won't let me draw a hole.

The landlord said I can't draw holes, and I'm blaming the Tenant Council.

This one is busy.

Excuse me.

Thank you for calling Zippy's Kapahulu.

To hear the specials of the day, press 1.

To place a take-out order or to speak to a cashier, press 2 for our thank you.

Please stay on the line.

Your call will be answered momentarily.

Hawaii's a shithole.

What the fuck is this music?

All right, I'm done.

It's country Hawaiian.

It's like patriotic Hawaii music.

I don't know.

Here's a Denny's.

I want to order some Spam.

I wonder if they spell Spam and eggs in Hawaii.

Here's Denny's.

Denny's.

Denny's won't put us on hold.

It's American.

Hello, Denny's.

Is this the carry-out order?

Well, it took so long to pick up.

Yeah.

You guys busy?

I can barely hear you.

What was that?

Here's Baz.

Baz.

Hey, take-out order.

Can you hear me?

Okay.

Hang on, yeah?

Yeah.

Hurry the fuck up.

I'm hungry.

What's the person?

Dammit.

Dammit?

David Snozzwell.

Yes, Dammit.

Can I get your contact number just in case?

Yeah, it's 808-365-2291.

Yes, 808-365-2212.

6102?

Yeah.

Okay, 365-6102.

Damn it.

Yes, damn it.

Okay, and what are we getting for you today?

I'm from the mainland.

You know, we're superior.

You know, we're superior on the mainland.

And I've just arrived in Hawaii.

And I was wondering, do you sell spam?

Spam. I've never tried Spam before, but I hear you guys like it in Hawaii.

Okay.

Do you have Spam and eggs on your menu?

Oh, yes, we do.

Oh, you do? So is that made out of, like, the shit of the pig?

Oh, no, it's just, like, some pork and some meat grinded together.

Oh, is it like the penis and the asshole of the pig?

No, I don't know. I don't know exactly what part of the pig they're using, by the way.

Okay, but okay, give me two orders of Spam, yeah, damn it, and some eggs.

Do your eggs come from chickens in Hawaii?

Excuse me, I don't know, I mean, I've never been here before.

I can barely hear you over your phone.

Yeah, do your eggs come from chickens, damn it?

Chicken eggs.

Okay.

Hello?

He's gone.

We're still on hold with the council, the council of counseling.

carlito do you have a call-in number uh yeah but a secret super secret why who wants oh no no then

we won't do it who wants uh the guy who gave me the locksmith number he won't shut up i need him

to he wants to call him i don't know what the fuck why but oh it's just a random person it's

just a random guy i don't even know how the fuck he ended up on my skype i don't know he's just a

If any of you are, say hi to him.

Say hi.

I'm calling Ted Webb.

He's online.

Hey, Ted.

Well, he's online, but he might be busy.

Let me...

Look, that's him in the picture.

In the beach?

Stay on the line.

We'll be back in just a moment.

Okay.

Hey, give me a second here.

I'm going to stay at home with them.

I'm supposed to call Puerto Rico.

Hey.

Good, good.

Good, man.

Good.

I'm calling the Museum of Art in Puerto Rico.

Let's see if...

Ask if you could steal something.

Museum of Fart.

Yeah.

Yeah, ask if you can nick some art.

Mick? Is that what he said? She said Mick. You want to Mick it?

Yeah, I say you nick a Ferrari.

And what is that term? Is that like an anti-Irish term when you say you're going to Mick?

No, it's London slang.

Because a derogatory term for Irish in the United States is Mick. I know.

Ah, Mick. Nick with an N for November.

Oh, I understand. Nick.

Gracias por llamar al Museo de Arte de Puerto Rico, institución acreditada por la Alianza...

Just nick him.

So I did.

You nicked a beer, man.

Yeah, it's worth, what, about five pence or something like that.

I actually know where the term comes from.

Maybe the first person to steal something was called Nick.

So they thought, fuck it, we'll just call everything Nick.

I'm sure Wikipedia will tell you.

Hey, man.

Hey, motherfucker, how are you?

Very good, and you?

Oh, I'm good, motherfucker.

Yeah, listen, you guys have feminine napkins over there for the women to put up her asshole when she's on her period?

Are you the one who switched it off?

You fucking bitch.

Are you Dominican?

Dude.

Huh?

Is that like an insult in Puerto Rico?

What?

Bitch fuck?

No.

Is that Puerto Rico?

Yeah.

That was fucking pretty.

Okay.

I should explain.

We're calling Santurce, Puerto Rico.

Hello?

Were you having trouble?

Were you hearing a phone ringing or something?

Yeah, it's still ringing in the background.

I don't understand why.

Do you still hear it right now?

Let me see.

Yeah, I still hear it.

Do you hear it?

No.

There it is again.

I hear it now.

Are you calling?

I'm calling you.

I'm just calling you.

It's your line that's doing it.

Hello?

Yes.

Yeah.

What's your name?

This is Cross.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I don't understand what's going on here.

What's going on?

I don't know.

I remember talking to you earlier about the network.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and it doesn't want to work.

Like, you told me to call, and they put me on hold for like seven, eight minutes,

and then when I came back, it was ringing.

Are you telling me I lost my place in line now?

See, there it is again.

Yeah.

That's you.

That's you guys.

Are you calling?

Yeah.

Do you have another phone?

What?

Hello?

Tengo una llamada perdida de ahí.

Okay.

Tu hotel, el Hotel Double Tree.

Alguien que usted conozca que se esté quedando aquí.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Yes?

Puta madre.

Yeah.

La suya.

Hello?

Puta madre.

Madre mía.

De la de él, eh.

Está hablando de su mamá.

Listen, you cunts.

Hey, you're a fucking asshole

Speak English, you prick

Yeah, this is America

This is America

Yeah, it is

The last time I checked

I'm sorry, but I'm Russian

The last time I checked

Puerto Rico was America

Si, si

Yeah

I don't know

No English, no English

Bullshit

You understand perfectly

When I called you and insulted you earlier

You motherfucker

No hablo español

No hablo inglés

Yeah, me cago en tu madre

Pendejo

okay yeah you understand that no i'm sorry okay all right bye bye bye are you there um council

well he put us back on hold so what happened was all right the bodega the grocery store i called

and puerto rico called back while i was calling the double tree in san juan who also picked up

at the same time and they started talking he said to him i missed a call from over there and he goes

I was like, oh, yeah, okay, who from?

And then, Jen, you came and you said, what puta madre?

The guy at the Hilton was like, oh, yeah, yours, your mom?

Like that, and I got pissed off.

So how about let's call back the Doubletree because they already hate you, Jen.

What do I say?

This isn't like the touristy area of Puerto Rico.

This is why I'm doing this.

But there's also a lot of Dominicans in this area.

All right, let me, yeah, okay.

The Puerto Ricans don't like Dominicans because they take all the jobs and stuff like that, and they're assholes.

They're on the government dole, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

Dominicans.

My pack is for you.

Okay.

And we're still on hold with the council.

Oh, shit.

Thank you for calling Dole TV.

This is Margie.

How may I assist you?

Yeah, I feel bad insulting a woman.

Is it possible to put a man on the phone?

A man where?

Just get a man.

A man, but all the person right now is ladies.

How can I help you, sir?

So give me the lady with the biggest tits.

Well, your mother's not here right now.

My mother?

Well, at least my mother's got the biggest tits.

I don't know.

That's all right.

This is what my cousin said.

My cousin said, if you're going to call hotels, call them in Puerto Rico because they speak English perfect.

And not only that, but they curse and shit because it's really more laid back in Puerto Rico.

So your boss isn't going to come down on you.

Athena's called me twice, my wife.

So I need to play a song just in case it's an emergency.

Give me a second.

and i'm going to take this call i think you're busted so is he playing music or are we expected

to sing i think uh you need to sing jim you've got a yeah i think we're gonna lose a lot of

listeners if i start singing fuck that yeah i was actually listening to one of your bt calls

i still have them on my my ipod where you're calling ratesh remember that you were singing

to him i remember doing karaoke a long time ago i was doing karaoke with um dean martin

i can't remember who we called but that was really funny some of the early ones are pretty

shitty hey all right bitches i'm back listen you guys were talking uh she just needed me to check

to see something she was missing because it's gonna eat at her all day it's like i'm busy you

know i'm gonna have to get time to go check your other purse to see if a receipt for work is in

in there. Bullshit. Anyway, what I was

saying, right? You got that? They're so

laid back in Puerto Rico, like, you're gonna talk

shit to a customer.

They don't give a shit, alright? I like that.

And, uh, there's, I know, I know

I've stayed in this area quite a few

times myself. I know there's a

Denny's here in McDonald's. All the regular

American kind of places are

in this area. Anyway, here's a different hotel.

Or we can call, let's call that one back, because

they're pretty mean there. Let's see what that guy picked up.

Yeah, that lady, that lady. Yeah.

So your mother's not there.

or something what oh you're still here hey buddy what's up man like i don't understand why y'all

are trolling everyone oh i forgot you were even on what happened were you guys talking

amongst each other about that guy what happened what i missed what did i miss buddy are y'all

all calling people because y'all are upset about something yeah yes yeah why our lives i mean

honestly like yeah we're manic depressive we just we're all suicidal so we do this shit

yeah y'all like posted on youtube or something yeah it kind of makes us feel better about

ourselves no i'm not like like i'm not you know disrespecting it it's kind of funny

i'm just wondering you know why you pick your targets uh well today's just been i just decided

to call austin texas because we haven't called them ever that i can remember uh and i just go

on google maps and i it's like throwing darts at a board well for me i don't know i like his method

but mine's a little bit different i'm more like a serial killer you know i i've got specific

victims i'd like to pick on yeah everyone's different yeah jen does he's like a white

jen only messes with companies that are bad got bad reviews on yelp he what he's like that

i don't care i'm an equal opportunity pranker yeah baz he's really weird he's kind of he does

perverted stuff he talks about chickens he's a doctor i'm a i'm a sex pervert yeah you're

fucking weird actually i've only just realized that all right look dude you can hang on if you

want i don't want to talk about it right now anymore maybe later i'm gonna call back the

double tree hill and this is in puerto rico have you ever heard the place no you guys have

puerto rican's in austin right is this the lady who said my mom had massive tears yeah and the

guy that said your mother have fun guys bye buddy yeah yeah see you buddy thank you for

calling this is peter oh yeah yeah listen uh so there is a guy working there see you're a guy

aren't you? I hope so.

Yeah, well, a minute ago I was talking to a lady.

I asked to speak to a guy and she said there were

only ladies there. How may I help you,

sir? You can put the lady on

because she insulted me. She said my mother

had the biggest tits in the world.

Oh, well, sir, everybody's a lady here

except me. Okay.

So, uh, how does that work?

There are about ten ladies working here, sir.

You sure about that? Do you fancy any of them?

Do I fancy any of them?

Yeah, would you shag any of them?

Would I what?

Would you shag any of them?

Why do you have to talk this way?

I'm just asking you a question, Jesus.

What the fuck?

Why do you have to be...

Why do I...

Why is the sky blue?

Tell me, would you...

Do you want to or not?

Okay, I've got your number.

I've jotted it down.

And I'm going to the authorities.

You're going to stick up your ass, you idiot.

Go to hell.

Idiot.

I'm scared of authorities.

Let me tell you, I'm scared of a foreign country.

Why do you got to talk like that?

That's a great question.

I need to pass a message to Peter.

Peter's not here at the moment.

I'm not afraid of the authorities of a foreign country, of a third world country.

I'm in America and I'm protected.

Tell him that.

That's very offensive to say that.

They're really like, uh-uh, we're American too.

This is America.

We just don't get to vote for president.

That's the only thing.

And they don't mention we don't pay taxes either.

What, sir?

I'm sorry, Jen.

What?

You should vote Arnold to president.

They could.

They can vote whoever they want because it's not going to count no matter what.

It's 21st century colonialism is what's happening in my homeland of Puerto Rico.

All right.

Here's a boutique hotel.

I'm thinking they're extra spicky here.

Let's see.

Extra Puerto Rican.

Yeah, boutique hotel.

How may I help you?

Yeah.

Hi. What's so boutique about the stupid hotel, motherfucker?

Hey, sir. How can I help you?

What's so boutique about your stupid hotel, motherfucker?

I wouldn't know. Tell me. How may I help you?

Well, you're a little piece of shit if you can't tell me what the fuck's going on with the fucking hotel.

Hey, sir. I haven't done anything to use this for the way you're refunding.

Oh, I'm sorry, then.

So how may I help you again?

I'm sorry, asshole. I want to make a reservation.

Okay. For what date, then?

For Friday.

Okay. I'm sorry, sir. I'm not having it with you.

I recommend you look for another hotel, sir

Because I'm really trying to help you out

And you're just being a little bit

Yeah, fuck off

You finally got him to get upset

Finally, finally

He was trying to be polite

Fuck off

Yeah, fuck off

Alright

Okay, I'm looking to see if I can find groceries

That grocery store before was really funny

That guy is funny

Central Park of La Fundida de Jesus

I don't know what La Fondida de Jesus is.

What is that?

I think that's like a little guy.

I don't know.

Let's see.

La Fondida de Jesus.

Jin, you're a big fan of Jesus.

Jin Stewart.

You're doing this.

I have no idea.

Hey, stupid.

Yeah, how are you?

I'm fine.

Okay.

Yeah, this is cross.

From where?

From the church.

If you're calling from Italo Jesus, how can I help you?

Yeah, I'm calling from the Church of the Machine.

Which one?

The Church of the Machine.

And you're going to talk to who?

Yeah, we're going to put a champagne bottle up a priest's ass.

Can you tell me, do you want to speak with who?

The leader over there, the leader, El Jefe.

Okay, the name?

Oh, my name is Cross.

And you're calling from which church?

Church of the Machine.

Where is it located?

Oh, it's, well, we have a conference in Condado Hotel today.

Cross, ask if they sell condoms.

Yeah, we need condoms.

Hello?

No.

She hung up, machine.

Champagne bottle of paprista ass.

That was pretty good.

That's responded better by the chicken.

You want to put a chicken up your ass.

There's a restaurant called the Department of Food.

Gracias por llamar a la fondita.

In Spanish.

El Departamento de la Comida.

And it's a restaurant.

I don't know.

This is really the Department of Food.

You want the chicken?

It doesn't have their phone number, though.

It's not properly formatted.

Do I want the chicken?

Yeah, we should.

Yeah, yeah.

Get the chicken for Puerto Rico.

Hello.

Yeah, totally.

We got Jaguar of Puerto Rico, as in the car.

Jen, hey, British people like Jaguars, right?

Let's do that.

Which people?

This is a Jaguar dealership in Puerto Rico.

Jaguar.

You know, like the car?

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, call it your Shaguar or something.

I don't know.

Oh, yeah.

This is fucking stupid.

Chicken, Baz.

Come on.

Let's get the chicken going.

Thank you for calling Dole Tree.

Come on.

This is Bernardino.

Yeah.

Do you have some kind of problem that you're calling over here?

I'm sorry?

Is there some kind of problem that you called over here?

That I called over there?

Someone from this number called over here.

I don't know.

This is a hotel, sir.

Yeah.

Well, why did someone call from over there?

We have 184 rooms.

Anybody of our guests could have called you.

Well, motherfucker, right?

To a who?

who? Motherfucker. To a

motherfucker. Yeah. Okay.

If you consider yourself. Okay.

Put that down. Write it down for me.

Okay, bye.

Whatever.

Jen. Nah, Jen's reconnecting, as

is Baz.

Baz is reconnecting. They're both reconnecting.

The phone seems to be working

brilliantly, though, so I don't care.

Oh, yeah. It said

it coming cool, but I'm

busy, so I didn't

hear it. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Okay.

It's okay, buddy.

Baz is also here now.

Yay.

I received and missed two calls from this guy at the grocery store.

Hello, yes?

You called over here?

No.

Yeah, you did, motherfucker.

Sorry?

Yeah, I said, yeah, you did, motherfucker.

I have it on my phone.

You call over here.

Sorry, sir.

Oh, you speak English now all of a sudden, huh?

I don't have time to hear you, sir.

Okay, all right.

I need to do my job.

Okay, you got to take a shit in the toilet?

No problem.

I'm sorry.

Okay, motherfucker.

Bye-bye.

Asshole.

All

I'm done with that

now I feel bad

I really don't think

he knows

he speaks much English

except for fuck you

he knows when

he's being cursed out

and he knows to curse back

and that's it

and that's okay

Jaguar

remember we were

working on that

yeah

yeah yeah Jaguar

Jaguar

you want to nick it Jaguar

yeah

but I'm echoing again

thank you for calling

for quality of service

this call may be recorded

hello

Hello?

Yeah, yeah, hello, hello, mate.

It's the place of the Jaguar, isn't it?

I can't understand what you're saying.

What's your problem?

Are you deaf or stupid?

I don't know.

What was that about?

I don't know.

Ah, sorry.

How do I sound now?

Any good?

Yeah, you sound good.

Yeah, I know.

I kind of stuck you on a Jaguar car.

We didn't have, you know.

I didn't give you any preparation for that.

I'm sorry.

All right, darling.

Thank you for calling.

For quality of service, this call may be recorded.

All right, that's not working.

I'm calling the Puerto Rico Rhythmic Gymnastic Companies.

Hey, before you call that, can you call Iceland?

Iceland?

Yes.

Yes, I can.

Where is the number?

Is it in chat?

Well, let me pull this up, but a little background.

My dad and my sister just got back from a trip to Iceland.

They took a bus tour up north.

What's that?

Is your sister hot?

Yeah, she's single too, Jen.

Wow.

Give me a number.

But she's a little, she's about my age, so she's kind of old.

How old is she now?

Well, she's in her 40s.

That's okay.

I would do it.

Yeah.

Okay, yeah.

But anyway, I'll get to that later.

But they were taking this bus tour up north, and the bus driver was very rude.

A few people in the back were talking, and he took his headset off, and he slammed it down, and he says,

He says, okay, well, then why don't we all just talk then and not listen to me?

And so we looked him up on TripAdvisor, and he's gotten some really bad reviews.

And I did a little research, and I think I've got his phone number.

Okay.

So I don't know if anybody wants to talk to him.

Yeah, we could do that for sure.

Let me pull that up.

It might be a cell phone, though, so it might be cost prohibitive.

All right.

Yeah, put it in there.

Put it in the chat.

I'm going to call a gymnast.

I want to see girls dancing, and then we'll do that thing.

Yep.

And he's Norwegian or whatever he is, the guy is.

Puerto Rico, Rhythmic Gymnastics Academy.

This is Clay.

How can I help you?

Very nice.

Yeah, this is Puerto Rico, Rhythmic Gymnastics Academy.

Oh, good.

All right.

Yeah, I wanted to see about, I'm a tourist, you know.

Do you guys accept payment in United States dollars here?

Massive.

This is Cross.

My name is Cross, Mr. Cross, Cross de los Santos.

Well, I'm at the hotel now.

I'm at the Doubletree.

Okay, so do you guys accept United States dollars?

or do i have to convert them i mean by that puerto rico uses us oh i just got here i don't know i'm

not from here so okay all right cool all right so i can use dollars all right and then how how

much is it for let's say like an hour for me to watch the girls perform then why are you interested

in the school how did you get our contact information oh well i was asking the concierge

here the lady up front she i said i wanted to see like puerto rican girls young girls

girls in tight clothing dancing you know like to rhythmic music and she said that this is the place

to go see women dancing you know i don't like to go to gentlemen's clubs or nothing that's sleazy

you know but i do like to pay to see like a rhythmic gymnastic performance you know no i've

guessed here uh uh do the girls there have big breasts and big um asses and all that nice your

Your questions are inappropriate, please.

Is there a place I can call to see women with big breasts and nice, round latinas?

That's, you know.

What's wrong with that?

That's inappropriate.

I don't want to go to a strip club.

That's inappropriate.

But I need, I'm a man.

I have my needs.

I could have explained it to him like that.

Did you get that number yet, Baz?

Yes, you did.

All right.

Yeah.

And the guy's name is Ragnar.

Ragnar.

Ragnar Thorson.

It might be expensive.

And it may be a mobile number.

Ragnar.

Could be.

What kind of a name is that?

He gets really irritated when people talk during his tours.

Ragnar?

Yes.

Hello, Ragnar?

Yes, yes, this is Ragnar.

Oh, they're expecting me to do this.

Hi, Ragnar.

Yes, Ragnar speaking.

Yeah, how are you?

Yeah, I was told you were a bit of a prick.

So, can you help me?

You do tours and things, is that right?

Sorry?

Tour, tour.

You do things.

I don't know.

What do you do?

Yes, I'm a tour guide.

Yeah, you're a tour guide.

How much do you charge?

Well, uh, like for the golden circle.

Yeah, yeah, for the golden circle.

How much you charge?

7,000 electronic kronas each.

Motherfucker.

Are you fucking stupid? That is so much money.

That is a lot of money you dig. I want you to lower the price.

I'm not going to lower any price. Who is this?

It doesn't fucking matter who he is. You need to lower the price, do you understand?

Who is this? Who are you?

I'm Mr. Stewart.

I am Mr. Stewart, okay?

I want you to lower the price, and I want to play a game.

I'm not going to lower the price.

I don't know what I was doing.

Wow.

I didn't know where the fuck that was going.

You expected me to just jump in.

I thought one of you was going to say something.

I wasn't even listening.

Oh, I'm Tali.

Okay.

Yeah, it was expensive.

It was 30 cents per minute, right?

Is that what I said?

30 cents per minute?

Yeah, I warned you in advance that it might cost a lot.

And it did, but it's okay.

Ragnar.

It sounds like a movie character.

Ragnar.

He's a real prick from what I understand.

Isn't that the name of Pokemon?

I'm not sure.

Should be.

The Jam Rum Bar and Bistro Modern.

Oh, my God, Cuddy.

Did you still have the turkey shorts?

Did I see what happened to them?

No, what happened to them?

Oh, no, what happened?

I don't know, what happened?

Do you want to talk to them?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Oh, yeah.

How long has it been?

Uh, I talked to them Thursday, and it was, she hung up, she got mad.

What's her name again?

Faison, Faison.

Faison.

Yeah, Faison.

Yeah, let me talk to her about it.

All right, let's see if...

He might be there early, actually, so this might be a good idea.

Faison, this is he, Jim.

Can I help you?

Yes, hello, how are you, sir?

It's Mr. Stewart.

Yeah, yeah, I'm a friend of Faizan.

You're a friend of Faizan? What's your name?

Mr. Stewart. I'm a lover of Faizan.

Oh, okay. I'm going to have to talk to him soon.

What?

Oh, shit.

He's going to call back. I guarantee you he will call back.

He's going to get pissed off.

Yeah, he usually, what happens, he steps out of the business and he calls on a cell phone block.

That's what he always does.

Yeah.

I bet you.

What's his name?

Oh, okay.

We just call him the horse, but I think it's like.

He has got a name.

Yeah.

I think it's like Kangoozle or something.

Because I always say Kangoozle.

It's not that, but that's what I say.

Yeah.

Kangoozle.

I'll just call him Mr. Faison.

Yeah.

See, there you go.

I'm calling back just to spice him up a little bit.

Mr. Faison.

They're not going to pick up on me.

Thank you for calling Circus Kitchen for a takeout.

All right.

Well, at least maybe that'll poke him in a calling.

And we also have his house number, but we know he's not there.

Hey, here's the place that told Baz was where you told that you were told to sod off, right?

The other day?

I was told what?

To sod off.

You were called a sod.

Oh, yeah.

She called me a filthy sod.

Really?

Yeah.

And told me to sod off.

Hello?

Hello, yes.

It's Mr. Stewart here.

How are you?

Who?

Mr. Stewart.

You've got the wrong number.

No, I don't, my dear.

You insulted a friend of mine

You told him to sod off

And you called him a sod

And now I expect a written apology

I expect you to write it down

As an apology and fax it to me

Oh, she's talking away in the background

Hello?

Hello, yeah, are you the daughter or something?

You listen to it

Hello?

They hung up, but they're like, yeah, we're arguing about it

Yeah, well, she told me, don't you dare ever call this number again, and he just did.

I forgot what her name was.

I should have saved that.

I just saved it as sawed off.

Stupid.

I told her that I was chatting with her online, and she invited me over to stay with her.

She got real pissed off.

Sawed off.

Hello.

Your call cannot be taken.

Nope.

All right.

Maybe next time.

That's the same.

I'll have to reverse search her number also, see if we can get her name, because she's interesting.

I've got to remember, when I save those, I've got to put their real name on there, too, so we know.

The Jam Room Bar and Bistro Modern in Puerto Rico is closed.

Out of business.

A victim of the Great Recession of 2008, guys.

Anyway.

How sad.

Yeah.

How's your training going, Jim?

You ready for Rio?

It's your last chance.

You're going to be too old to go to the 2018 Olympics.

Yeah.

I think my archery career is over.

Oh, no.

It's horrible.

Yeah, you know, my daughter's interested in archery, and we were looking at bows.

For fuck's sake, I am not an archer, you cunt.

And I was thinking...

Shut up about this fucking archery. I don't give a shit about arrows or fucking bows.

Fuck all of you.

You love archery.

Fucking archery.

He says it because he's been saying this ever since...

Fucking archery.

Ever since you, like, really fucked up at the Olympics.

Whoever the fuck came up with this is going to die and burn.

He refuses to acknowledge he's an archer

now that he really lost really big time

in front of his home crowd

in the Olympics, but hey

All right

It's not even a fucking sport

You can kill people

Shut up la boca, Jin

hey motherfucker how are you hello yeah hey how are you god damn it um who is this i want to make

one order one eggs excuse me one egg one eggs please just one one eggs cooked with heat excuse

me one eggs how do you want do you want them scrambled or i want it cooked cooked with heat

Yes.

You're welcome.

Listen, I don't speak Spanish.

I'm sorry.

Maybe there's something because of the language.

I don't know.

Okay.

Do you want the egg scrambled or fried, like, over easy, over medium?

All right.

You put them on a cooking vessel, and it has to have either electric or, like, a propane gas flame heat source.

And you heat up the internal temperature of the egg matter.

i'd say about up to about 150 degrees fahrenheit at least and hold that temperature uh for about

three minutes let's say he's like whatever click gracias por llamar a denis puerto rico

su llamada podría ser monitoreada o grabada para propósitos de calidad de servicio

what happened with it the phone what happened he's saying he's like i don't give a fuck fuck you

yeah all right we learned our lesson we won't mess with him i'm sorry okay well anyway moving

right along we can keep doing some pranky pranks here let me focus my math once again a little bit

here jen anything you'd like to call anything particularly yeah try faisan again okay you got

it man well if she wasn't at the restaurant maybe she's at home we need what we need to do is try

Trying to figure out his fucking cell phone.

He always blocks them when he calls.

That is shit, really?

Yeah, he does.

Maybe I can look it away.

Someone calls it from him.

I've got his home number.

That's it, bud.

Let's see if she's alone at home.

Let's call.

Maybe she's in bed, Jen.

Oh, yeah, I do.

Like, we know your man's at work.

We're going to come over.

Fuck it.

Hello.

No one is available to take your call.

Please leave a message after.

That's hackable, but I've never done it.

No.

All right, we'll call the business again.

Again, Turkish kitchen itself.

Kitchen time.

Well.

Of course, of course.

Bullshit.

Okay.

All right, that ain't going to work.

We can call Charlie.

How about that?

Think it's too early for Charlie?

I don't think so.

Good French Charlie.

All right.

There's been a lot of Charlie activity lately, I understand.

Charlie's heavy.

It's been Charlie heavy.

It's all been about 15 minutes.

I'm not going to get out of there.

Okay, buddy.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Okay.

Okay, and we'll call the Caribbean Cinema of Fine Arts.

I think they do movies there.

I'm going to see if they, you know, since it's more laid back over there, of course,

maybe they'll let me set up a camcorder.

That kind of shit happens in Puerto Rico, man.

It's real.

You can actually call up and ask for permission.

Well, usually, hey, what's up, man?

I'm going to come in, man.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you mind if I record the movie?

Yeah, because it's still early.

Over there, it's 357.

Yeah, maybe we can get off from a beer or two.

hey honey baby how are you what's up hi sexy how are you you speaking trying to reach oh hey honey

i'm just i wanted to come down do you guys have matinees today when they start no the first um

the first um showings it's cheaper oh yeah that's nice and maybe like me and you we can i wanted to

come in all right listen here's what i want to do i want to bring in like a recorder a camcorder

i'll give you five hundred dollars and i want to put a camcorder and then we'll watch a movie

i want to record that it's not allowed i'll pay you i'm gonna pay you five like five hundred

dollars you and one of the guys who can we get um sorry sir that is a deal look come on i just

i want to i'll give you some money i'll give you some money listen and if afterwards i'll

I'll turn the camera on you, and I'll be like, hey, you want $100?

Take off your shirt, you know?

Goodbye, sir.

I hope you have a good day.

Okay.

And then, like, $400, and let me see your pussy lips right back.

Hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah, boss, maybe she make a movie with us.

Yeah.

You're still kidding me.

I think she's got potential.

Oh, shit.

Look at that, man.

She can make over $1,000 by the time I get to the pussy lips,

because it's already 500 for recording uh gravity right in the movie theater and then 400 for the

yeah at the end that's 900 and i really gave her 100 for her top and you gotta imagine i'd already

be giving her money to see her ass and all that you know and the underwear so yeah man jen that's

a lot of money that's how you get the girls yeah so that was the movie theater in puerto rico where

where we try to play porno man, which is fun.

Okay.

Ooh, a pizza place.

Here we go.

Pizza place.

Yeah.

Melanzana Bistro.

Melanzana.

Whatever.

Can I do it?

Sure, buddy.

All right, this is the last one I'll do.

Okay, buddy.

We'll take a break then.

You leave.

We'll take a break.

Baz, I don't know if you're going to stay.

Yeah, I can stay for a little bit more.

All right, buddy.

Can I start on the Melanzana?

Want to start this?

Yeah, hi.

I can't speak your jibber-jabber, but you speak English?

Gosh, cool.

I want to get a big pizza.

Can I get a pizza?

And, um, what will be your name?

Hello, your name?

My name is Mr. Stewart.

Hello, I did get your order.

My name is Mr. Stewart.

And I...

What?

Hello, what did you say?

I'm sorry.

It's my fault.

What the hell?

It's my fault.

I was opening email.

I'm sorry.

I'm going to mess with the bandwidth.

I'm sorry.

Oh, my God.

Don't be mad.

I'm sorry.

Oh, my God.

This is the world's greatest prank call.

I'll call again

Okay

Now it's settled

See, I'm sorry

Okay, here we go

Yeah, okay

I told you before

I don't understand

But you disconnected me there

And I'm trying to make an order

For a big pizza

Oh, okay

Are you going to make an order to go?

Yeah, I want to make an order to go

I want to go with the pizza

Let's go, come on

What kind of pizza would you like to order?

Okay, I want a big pizza

Okay.

Okay, and I want to put chicken on it.

All right, but what would you like?

A pepperoni pizza with cheese and...

No, no, no.

I just want a pizza, and I want you to put a chicken on it.

Okay, wait a second, wait a second.

Okay.

Hello.

Hello, I'm here.

Yeah, okay, what are you doing?

You writing this down?

I'm writing this down.

She said someone's fucking with me.

Hey, lady.

All right, give me the order.

Okay, I want a big pizza with the largest pizza you've got.

How big is that?

It's about eight slices thin crust.

It doesn't say how wide is it.

What's the diameter of the pizza?

She had said someone's fucking with me on the background there.

I wanted to ask you to put a live fucking chicken on it, for fuck's sake.

Oh, well, I thought Baz was going to get a chicken.

And then I wanted you to play the chicken noise in the background.

All right.

The thing is, that's a normal sound in a lot of parts of Puerto Rico.

Like, if you hear that in the background, like,

eh, it's just someone calling from the hills.

It's someone up in the mountains calling.

It's, I mean, yeah, if my family were calling me,

there's a good chance you'd hear a chicken or a cow.

Yeah, but a lot of people have chickens in their houses.

Yeah, they still live like that.

It's really something else, man.

I love it.

I got to get out there, man.

I got to get out of here.

It's too icy and cold.

Jen, speaking of icy and cold, Jen Stewart and his icy and cold heart has nothing to plug

because he doesn't want anyone to contact him.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm not really doing prank calls anymore.

I kind of moved on, guys.

I came on because Carlito wouldn't stop WhatsAppping me about coming on to the show,

so I thought I'd make a special appearance.

Just for fun.

Yep.

No, just for you, for fuck's sake.

You didn't have fun?

Okay, all right.

Yeah, I had fun.

I had fun.

Okay, okay.

Good, good.

I had fun if you had fun.

I had fun.

Did you have fun?

Yeah, I had fun.

Yeah, we both had fun.

I'm happy if you're happy.

I'm happy that you're happy.

Okay.

All right, Jen, take it easy.

I had fun, too.

Have a good night, man.

Thanks, Baz.

All right.

Take care, guys.

Nice to be on again.

Bye.

It was good seeing you, Jen.

That was Jen.

No website, no nothing.

Just madhouselife.com is his website.

If you need to get updates from him, we will pass them on.

We are his mouthpiece, so to say.

Right, Baz?

Yeah, man.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, there was some good pranks he did today.

It was good to hear him again.

Well, I'm coming back.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm just going to take a break real quick to recoup.

I'm going to pull up my water.

I'm going to get some more walnuts to eat here while I talk to people, and we'll do more pranks.

Do you want to stick to Puerto Rico?

I don't know.

We can.

It's been okay.

Yeah, I can probably go for another 30 minutes.

I've got to run to the store and get my son a suit jacket.

I'm not going to say why, but he's got a big interview tomorrow.

Oh, wow.

Wow. Okay.

He's out there on his old suit jacket.

Good luck to him.

All right.

Yeah.

All right, well, then I'll be right back also.

Give me about five, six minutes, to be honest with you.

And also request a prank.

Cactus and a few others have sent in requests to pranks, and we'll get to those.

All right, I'll be right back in a few minutes.

Thanks.

Carlito, sorry for the extended break there.

I got tied up in some drama here at the house.

But the drama is over, and I am Carlito, the host of your machine today,

this afternoon late morning early afternoon on a madhouse radio extended madhouse mouth network

with me here i believe was baz is he still here bad no bad as accidentally disconnected it needs

to be reconnected reconnecting bad just a moment hello baz i'm trying to find a balance between

good and evil yes i am here i accidentally disconnected oh snap all right well moving

Moving right along, Madhouse Radio, March the 3rd.

We are going to take a look at Request a Prank, see what's going on over there.

Big Cactus has been asking us to call the Vieira Bayside community.

The manager there told them the apartment has a serious leak in the pipe machines.

After I try to tap into the first four pipes, and I am now diverting the water to the retention pond.

What? Okay, sure, man.

He sounds like a stage.

He's got the whole plan laid out for us.

I like this cactus.

The manager is Jill.

Departments are in 14 buildings.

So cool.

We even got the breakdown.

Let me copy paste this for you, Baz, in case you end up in this.

Yeah, perfect.

You never know.

You got to be ready.

You never, never know.

A little bit of gorillas here in the background while we get that ready.

If you want to send a request to prank, now is the time to do so.

Go to madhouselive.com.

There is a link there for request to prank.

Fill out the form.

It comes to me here.

And me and Baz will prank it.

Baz will be with us for a few more minutes, I suppose.

close maybe until the top of the hour maybe less i guess yeah maybe uh until about uh top of the

hour all right there you go thank you for calling the viera bayside this call may be recorded

thank you for calling here based out of thomas good yeah listen i need to speak to jill i guess

she's the manager here i'm sorry i need to speak to jill she's the manager she's not in right now

No, she'll be in on Wednesday.

Are you in charge then, or who is?

Can I help you?

Well, I couldn't find her.

I'm trying to find Jill.

I can't find her.

She's not going to be in until Wednesday, so how can I help you?

Are you in charge then?

I can have you speak with Nikki, but if you're looking for a manager, the manager is not in.

All right, well, listen, let me explain it to you then.

Anybody else can help you?

Hey, honey, shut up.

I'm going to explain it to you.

There's a serious leak in the pipes here.

We were tapping.

Oh, my God.

What the hell?

Because I said shut up, that's why.

That's why.

I know, I know.

That's my fault for being rude.

Sorry.

This guy's a little sensitive there.

I know.

Maybe someone else will pick up this time.

Thank you for calling the Vieira Bayside.

This call may be recorded for training purposes.

Please hold, and someone will be right with you.

Thank you for calling the Vieira Bayside Apartment.

This is Peter.

How can I help you?

I'm sorry that I got upset, okay?

And that I said to shut up.

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

Can I explain the situation now?

Sure.

Sure, and who am I speaking with?

This is Cross.

Okay, what's going on?

All right, there's a serious leak.

I was tapping, me and Baz here, we were tapping into the first four pipes.

Okay.

And there was like a serious leak.

It shot up into the ceiling, and some of the ceiling came down even,

but I was able to cap it, and I'm diverting it up into the retention pond right now.

Okay.

So.

Do you need Ali out there?

What?

Do you need Ali to come out there?

Well, yeah, someone that's going to come here, because I really need some help with them.

Okay.

Getting it fixed.

Where are you?

Getting it fixed.

Where are you right now?

I'm in building one.

Yep.

Okay.

Are you in the apartment or are you in a...

Well, I'm on the second floor.

Okay.

What apartment number?

I'm right above 102.

Right above 102?

So I was tapping into the pipes in 102 so that I didn't have to pay for my water.

I didn't want my water to come out to show the amount of usage I have.

Okay.

So I tapped into Apartment 2 with some pipes, right?

But it's been working for months, but all of a sudden the seal, I guess the welding that I did,

it broke and all the water started flooding up and flooded the floor here.

I'm imagining 102 is completely flooded right now.

Let me have them come out there.

I need Ali to fix this because we need to start stealing the water from Apartment 102 again as soon as possible.

I know. Ali is going to come out there right this second.

All right.

Can you put them on?

Can he fix the floor, too?

Well, he has to look at what's going on.

You know, what we did was we cut a hole in the carpet, and then we cut into the subflooring.

And then I'm a plumber, so I was able to attach junction to the pipe going into 102.

And so since we cut into the flooring, I think the water is, like, leaking into the flooring and into the ceiling from the unit above.

And so you did this from what apartment number?

Like you said, right above 102.

202. That would be what, 202?

You're in 101, and you cut into 102?

No, we're right above 101.

Okay, so you're all 102 then?

I mean, we're subleasing.

There's only two stores.

Okay, yeah, yeah. Well, that's it, 102.

Okay.

And what we did was we always would wait until the people down below us went to work

so that they would shower in the morning and they wouldn't notice any drop in water pressure

when we turned on our water, and it was working fine.

It was a great arrangement because we're on a different schedule than they are.

But we've got this big hole in the floor now.

It's pretty unsightly, and my girlfriend's cat keeps falling into it,

and then it starts meowing, and I have to pull it out.

It's pretty annoying.

We're afraid that he might drown now because it's all full of water.

Okay, but you're in apartment 102.

Yes.

Second floor.

Me and Cross and the cats and my girlfriend's at work right now.

Yeah, we're not on the lease.

We're not on the lease either.

We're subleasing, and I don't know.

The guy told us his name was Jackson, but it might be a fake name.

He was kind of shady.

Hey, Ollie's not going to go through our stuff that we have sitting out.

Should we put something on?

I hope not.

Well, I'm going to send somebody out,

but I just need to know what apartment you're actually physically in.

All right.

All right, Monica, Monica, put the bong away, please.

Okay, thank you.

All right, no problem.

Yeah, it's for medicinal purposes, but it's okay.

Hello, I'm still here.

Yeah, okay, why don't one of you guys come up to the front office,

considering you've got a couple people there,

and just meet us up at the front office, how's that?

All right?

I don't know.

I don't know about that.

I don't know.

All right, bye.

Whatever, fuck that guy.

He just wants to send Ali to take care of all his problems, apparently, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, just pass the buck.

Uh-huh.

Hey, India, a local toilet cleaning service right next to a hospital.

Ooh, yeah.

Nice.

I want you to do a really good job cleaning that toilet.

Here we go.

Yeah, get all the shit out.

Yeah.

Indian toilets, man.

You know they got some nasty toilets over there?

They're not even toilets by our standards, you know?

Yeah, but I don't know.

Oh, did you see that website for that Indian Toilet Museum?

They have some fucking nice toilets at that museum.

Oh, you remember the prank that I did?

And she's like, we have, what did she call them?

She called them something like, oh.

I don't know if I was on during that call.

Yeah.

We have, not specimens.

It was just whatever.

We have works of art from all over.

Something like that.

I don't know why she said exactly.

It's like, oh, our beautiful, artful toilets.

Toilet.

That's what we come in and take shits in them.

Yeah, but in India, they shit right in the ground.

like prank caller is saying in the chat room

they said right we got a hole in the ground

it's got like two little foot things

two metal foot grates I guess

so you know where your foot goes and

what do you do then do you take your

pants off and hang them or do you

just pull them down like to your knees

I don't understand how that works

it's probably the Japanese squat toilets

I used one one time

oh my god

you take your pants off and you hang them up on a hook in the stall

and then you just squat down over it

wow

Actually, they have a picture on the regular toilets in Japan,

and it shows basically telling you not to stand on them and squat on them

because people have actually tried standing on the regular toilets.

Yeah, it says Western Toilet.

They make sure it says Western Toilet.

Yeah.

And somebody got their ass all cut up on the broken rim.

Those public toilets are insane in Japan.

There's a blog I watch, and the chick was in Japan for like three weeks,

and she was showing off the public bathrooms.

and the whole fucking door closes in the enclosure it cleans itself like it's yeah the whole little

toilet room has a cleaning mode and oh it's fucking wicked man the the seat comes out like

it's hidden behind it comes out and it comes out dried and disinfected and all this junk i mean

that's the way to live yeah if i had like ocd like really bad germophobia i would have to live in

tokyo because that's got to be like the cleanest big city in the world oh it is i mean they take

Singapore.

Is Singapore clean?

I don't know.

Yeah, you can get caned if you don't flush a toilet after taking a dump.

Oh, you should be anyway.

I hate that shit.

Who does that?

Good.

Well, Turbo and I made a bunch of calls where we were threatening to take big shits and not flush the toilet because it's our American custom.

Did they say anything?

Like, we can't.

Yeah, they're getting, that was against the law here.

Yeah, that's funny.

yeah but you can't chew gum you can't spit you can't talk about the prime minister i think no

that's i think we actually got put onto a government uh agent one time

yes hi do you have underwear hello yeah you have dirty underwear hello motherfucker

these numbers are from something yeah he's a re-hung up he spoke neanderthal there this is

He's from Tabachi.

We're trying the toilet cleaning service again.

That last one was not the toilet cleaning.

Anyway, Japanese toilets are what we're talking about.

And then Singapore.

Yeah, Singapore.

The women have big tits in Singapore, I understand.

They're Asian with big tits.

You don't see that all the time.

I think it's genetic, you know.

Yeah.

But Turbo and Dr. Onk and I were calling,

and we were on the phone a long time in this hotel in Singapore.

And the lady put us on hold,

and then some very official guy answered

and was like telling us that all these things

that we're talking about are not possible.

And we were pretty sure it was some government agent or something

that she tapped into the line.

Wow.

She patched in.

Okay.

Interesting.

That's scary, too, at the same time.

Listen, in Canada, Alabama, Canada,

according to this request to prank,

which makes no sense to me.

You ever heard of that place?

No.

Alabama, Canada.

Yeah.

yeah anyway in canada i'm guessing this is canada and they just didn't bother to pick the state

even though the canadian provinces are in there uh this woman's phone number is the same as a

some kind of drug store she's catholic and it gets really pissed when people call her asking

for condoms and birth control this is according to the data supplied to us by argoman or argoman

or argman whatever the pronunciation is and i'm about to call that right now i guess we'll ask

That's for condoms, right?

Because we're like 16-year-old kids.

Skip a high school prank calling people.

Me?

Yeah, I do have condoms.

You have reached Josephina Peach.

No answer there, buddy.

No, it's not going to play.

Boo-hoo.

All right, let me go back to Request a Prank.

Let's look at the next one down the line and see what's up there.

This one was sent two days ago.

A number in L.A.

Found a sign in a neighborhood.

Thought it had potential.

Dear neighbor, we are scouting potential locations for season three of the TNT TV show, Perception.

Your home and or business may be a good fit.

If you're interested, please call my cell or email me at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely, Jesse.

She's a location scout.

Perception is the name of the show?

Yeah.

And I wish I knew which neighborhood it was because apparently what happened was she was probably like,

Like, this is the perfect, you know, setting, neighborhood setting for this.

And then said, all right, well, let's see if we can get one of the local people to submit their house.

You know what I mean?

She's fishing.

Yeah.

So that would have helped out what location it was.

But I can still mess with her.

It says here that in August they renewed it for a third season.

So presumably this was in preparation for the filming of that season.

Yeah.

So she probably scouted out the neighborhood and was like, oh, this would be it.

Let's see if we can get someone here who will let us use their house to film in for part of an episode.

I'm going to ask for support.

Hey, big Jesse, how are you doing?

Hey, we're good.

I was walking my dog.

This is Cross.

I was walking my dog, and I came up on this flyer here for the neighborhood saying that you're looking for potential locations.

Did you find a house already for the perception machine?

Yeah, are you walking on Marengo?

Yeah.

Well, yeah, we did.

we're filming it 2025 and 2026 i'm uh i left that letter you probably saw it on maple right

yeah yeah we're working with that homeowner for the placement of some equipment so we did find

our houses you live in the area yeah i do yeah hey can i get some spoilers if you guys will use

my house or something can you get some what spoilers spoilers yeah i'll pay you i got a

few hundred bucks i'll pay you you'll pay me if i use your house no no well like you can use my

my house yeah i'll pay you and then also yeah you can use the house for free all you want um i got

a pool and everything you can do craft services here you can use for whatever you want then where

do you live huh i live on maple maple and what right in the middle of maple well do you live on

maple between the france and morango or people between yeah got it and you live on the north

side yeah on the north side and you can you know use all you want you know you guys can bunk here

You can come fuck your girls, whatever you want.

But then I'll pay you guys for, like, if you get some spoilers for me,

because I'm going to pass them on to this guy that has a website.

Oh, God.

Well, no, I really can't do that.

You never heard of Bass Spoilers?

Yeah.

Yeah, he's my cousin.

I'll get you, like, $500 per spoiler.

He's really interested in perception.

Well, that would not be very good for the TV show perception.

Yeah, but it'd be good for you.

It'd be good for you.

What are they paying you over there?

Come on.

We can make you nice and comfortable.

We can get you that vacation you want.

You want to take a nice cruise, you know, lady friend, guy friend you got.

We'll make that happen, buddy.

I totally appreciate it.

I'm going to put Baz on.

Baz is the webmaster.

Baz.

Yeah.

Hey, this is Baz.

I'm his cousin, and I'm the webmaster at bazspoilers.com.

And, man, we would really love to get some spoilers.

And, actually, I'm his roommate, too, and you can totally use the house.

And it's not a problem.

And I really like Kate.

I may be interested in working with you guys on, like, a backyard or a driveway or something,

but I'm probably going to step on the spoiler deal.

Hey, is Rachel Lee Cook coming back next season as Kate Moretti?

Can I call you guys right back?

Because she's really hot.

She can use my bedroom if she wants, you know, and I'll just sleep on the floor.

It's awesome.

He's starting to pass specifics now about the show.

It's like we're from TMZ or something

We won't spoil you

He's kind of

He's like oh you know I might like a vacation

With my lady

I was going to tell her that I like

I was looking at the cast and there's a special agent

Moretti Kate

I was going to tell her that I think she's got nice tits

And she can use my bedroom

Yeah I'll try to call him back

I don't think he'll pick up

I think that was his out

He's like oh yeah I'm going through a tunnel

I got a call

Bye.

You're breaking up.

I use that all the time still.

It's like it doesn't work anymore like that, Carlos.

I did that to my wife.

I'm diving through a tunnel.

It's like we don't live in Florida anymore.

There's no tunnels here.

Oh, shit.

Damn it.

There's no tunnels in this town.

Damn it.

Desperately looking for a tunnel to cut my phone off.

You're driving under a freeway underpass.

That doesn't work.

She's like, bitch, you got LTE.

Damn.

Why'd I get the family plan?

Why'd I have to get the family plan?

Now she knows.

let's not do it like that

here's Baz he's going to explain again

yeah you know I really like

Kate a lot and

so you know well maybe we'll just

put a few spoilers in you know maybe

some stuff that wouldn't give away

too much he's scared of spoilers

he probably thinks it's

it's the screen actors

guild trying to ensnare him

yeah

he thinks they're trying to fuck him up

aha you are the leak okay and entrapment all right that was fun buster casey sending in some

requests to pranks new new also sending in a number for a jeff hoon a corrupt british poll

excuse me i got the gird corrupt business politician in britain business politician right

uh and also a creepy bbc presenter an ex-teacher who's going on trial for kid touching another one

one of those wow we'll try that yeah i'm probably gonna have to go after this next part okay buddy

you're ringing trade i can't take your call at present but if you'd like to leave me your name

and your number i shall endeavor to get back to you at the earliest convenience i'll try again

i shall endeavor to get back to you at the earliest convenience he does he is a kid

toucher he's guilty all they gotta do is play this voicemail yeah in the trail your honor here's

Exhibit A

The jury's like

We've come to a decision already

I will endeavour to call you back

After I'm done

Rogering this kid's bum

Thank you for ringing

I'm afraid I can't take your call at present

But if you'd like to leave me your name

And your number

I shall endeavour to get back to you

At the earliest convenience

Thank you very much

When you finish recording

Please hang up

Or press the hashtag

The voice message

At a 4-0-7-7

Please leave a message

After the tone

When we finish recording, please hang up or press the hash key for more options.

I don't know what's going on.

I'm trying to get the politician out of the Jeff Hoon.

He went straight to voicemail, Nunu.

This is the Vodafone voicemail service for 0779.

He's going straight to voicemail, Nunu.

Sorry.

Hey, she said 077, not 007.

007.

Listen, Buster Casey sends in a number for America's Choice Home Inspections.

Ooh, very nice.

What's their boggle?

This guy's a blowhard who is easy to get mad.

His company's a home inspection service that has super bad reviews online.

They also have a high turnover rate for employees due to what a jerk he is and a dummy his assistant, Barbara, is as well.

You probably get a receptionist when you call.

Okay.

Then we'll ask for the president, Mr. Price.

American Choice Inspection, how may I help you?

I called earlier and I got disconnected.

Was that me or you?

What happened?

Yes, we're having issues right now.

How may I help you?

Oh, do you have just women that answer the phone?

How may I help you?

Oh, I needed to talk to the main guy, Mr. Price.

There's a big problem.

He's not in right now.

What's he doing?

Is he on a call?

Okay, goodbye.

Bitch.

What a bitch.

Hey, don't...

B-I-T-C-H, right?

Here, let me talk to her.

Okay.

Thank you for calling America's Choice Infection.

Your call may be recorded for training purposes.

Good afternoon.

How may I help you?

Thanks.

Yeah, good morning or good afternoon.

This is David Snodswell.

I think you just spoke with my associate.

You were kind of smart with the mouth there.

Do you have a man that we can talk to?

You know, I haven't spoken with anybody from your company.

I'm the office manager.

How can I help you?

Yeah. Is it customary in your business to have a woman that thinks that she's wearing the man pants answering the phone and talking smart when men are trying to do business?

I'm sorry if you got that impression. I don't think so, but how can I help you?

Yeah. Well, maybe it wasn't you that we were talking to. This woman thought that she knew a lot of things about business and when really women should be in the kitchen doing the cooking or cleaning the break room. And I don't believe that you are the office manager because there's no W-O in the word manager. It's man-edger. So can you put your boss on the phone?

I am David.

I'm David Snoswell.

And that's S-N-O?

S-N-O-S-W-E-L-L.

Okay, David.

And your telephone number?

Yes, my telephone number is...

Actually, you know what?

I don't like giving my telephone number out to women who think that they know how to do business

because the number might get misused.

So if you could just patch me through to your boss.

I know he's there.

He's probably, you know, he's probably in the office.

Well, David, I'm sorry, but our boss is not in, and, you know.

Because the women, you know, they're always trying to just eat us.

Every which way, up to one side and down the other.

Oh, ma'am.

You know nothing about me, but you have managed to offend me probably a dozen times,

and my boss is not in.

If he was in, I would tell you so.

I'm not a liar, along with the other things you've accused me of.

Okay.

But I will be glad to give him your name and your number and ask him to give you a call when he gets in.

I don't give my number out to women who think they're wearing the man pants.

You know, the number might get lost.

You might jot it down on a scrap piece of paper and then get lost in your purse with all your lipstick.

It could.

It could get lost in my purse.

There's just all kinds of places it could get lost.

But I'll be glad to have him call you.

I might get lost in your ass.

You know what, David?

This call is recorded.

Oh, perfect.

You know, it's really been fun listening to you.

But what is the name of your company?

Yes, we're the Big Business Company.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

And we do big businesses with men.

Uh-huh.

With men.

I gotcha.

Okay, dear.

All righty.

Well, I'll pass your name along.

the women because they mess things up because they mess up okay yes tell your boss that this

has been really fun i've enjoyed it no i'll let him go for you maybe recording i'm frustrated i'm

so sorry i'm frustrated right now i might i might actually shout at you because i'm getting

extremely frustrated hello woman man yeah we do business with men big business anyway with that

With that, I definitely need to run.

I've got to do some big business at the big box store machines.

All right, man.

Have fun.

Long work.

Bye.

All right.

That was fun.

Later.

It was fun.

Thanks for being on.

Bye, buddy.

Yep.

All right.

Well, I still have it in me.

If anybody would like to join me to help out, because I'm all alone now.

Any of you all up on the Madhouse Skype machine, got me on Skype, let me know.

Let me reach out to Matt.

I see Matt's online.

Maybe he's up for a bump.

I see Artie's on.

I'll message him.

Who else is up here?

Dirty Aaron.

He's probably working, though.

Send him a message.

Cobra's on.

I'll send him a message.

Inviting Cobra.

RBCP a message, but he's busy working.

The Dead's on.

Send him a message.

I'll get up with even Ted Webb.

I think Ted Webb might be busy.

Turbo's listed as busy, so it won't bother him.

UK Ted showing up as away.

Haven't talked to him in a while.

Let's see if he wants to join us.

to see if anybody's responded back in the affirmative evil already says question mark

and i say prank show laugh track mag is busy right now he's busy with his armenian girlfriend

cobra's listening but he's working and cannot join uk ted says he doesn't know who i am oh

anyway i'm moving right along here we go i guess i'm on my own all alone on my own

back at request to prank see if there's anything else hello rbcp hi all right that's great we'll

win on him maybe he's getting his microphone ready we'll be hearing nothing from him here's

a random lake pizzeria the owner's name is tommy a stoner hey honey baby hey what's up buddy oh

nothing you've been listening today or you've been busy yeah yeah i've been listening to pretty much

the whole thing yeah except for the parts with jen because i fucking hate jen and i just like

turn it off when he has pranks come on he's so yesterday he's so katie yeah no answer there maybe

too early i don't know thanks a lot for nothing sorry i'll hang up i'm bad luck not you i'm

I'm talking to Mr. Listener out there, whoever sent that in.

I'll go back to Google Maps.

Yeah.

Fuck them, listeners.

Fuck you, listeners.

Yeah, fuck them.

Hey, I made a Photoshop of the Madhouse chat room.

Did you see that yet?

No.

A Photoshop of it?

Yeah.

Of, like, people in it?

Really?

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Here, I'll get the link for you.

Yeah, share that.

I know you like clicking on things during the show.

Yeah, it doesn't distract me at all.

It doesn't make your computer start fucking up and...

Nope, nothing like that.

i actually can't stay but if you're around in like um 30 minutes i'll be available okay i might be

hit me up then check check that's your incentive to keep doing a show for at least 30 more minutes

yeah and then whatever takes after that okay no problem you got it thanks buddy hi hi and i'll

click on that someone has the 92 dodge stealth yo that car was the shit in 92 i was in middle

school still and that dodge stealth came out and i thought it was the coolest looking car ever

and and i remember my uh my friend tommy thomas rivera he swore that when we got to prom we were

still god what what grade were we in we were in the seventh grade still and he said that when we

were seniors in high school and got to prom we were gonna rent a dodge stealth we were gonna

each rent a dodge stealth and take our dates to prom in a dodge stealth because it was the

cooling badass fucking car looking everything i don't think we ever ended up doing that no we

we did. I went in a limo with a bunch of dorks. I met my date there. We didn't go together.

It was a stupid idea. We all went in a big party style. It was kind of cool. One van

with girls and one limo van with guys. It was kind of fun.

Hello?

Hey, what's up, baby? How you doing? You got a 92 Dodge Stealth?

What is this?

Oh, this is Cross.

Oh.

Yeah. I saw you have a Dodge Stealth or Shane has a Dodge Stealth.

Shane has a Dodge Stealth?

Yeah. He's selling a Dodge Stealth.

Oh.

You're stupid.

Oh.

yeah what's with her is she stupid or something you're right i have you have uh dodd stealth for

sale oh uh yeah they did well they they was parting them out and uh i think i think so far

that they've uh decided to keep them or rebuild they actually have two god damn it yeah well

they belong to me i was like both of them well they belong to my names on the tiles the blue

The blue one's mine, and then I bought one from my wife, and we had a rod.

A rod, and in the red one, it was running.

We drove for about four days.

I had a bunch of brand-new parts in it.

So it's a piece of shit is what you're saying?

No, no.

I had a burning rod that went out of it.

Oh, fuck it.

It's crazy.

It ain't bad, but I reckon they've decided, like,

Like, people are going to rebuild them for us or something like that.

All right, well, fuck them then, right?

Fuck you and fuck them, asshole.

Excuse me?

Fuck you and fuck them then, asshole, because I want to...

No, no, you hold on one second.

What?

You hold on one second.

What?

That's how I feel.

Huh?

It's how I feel.

You don't explain your problem, because I ain't going to put up with no horse shit.

If anybody call me, tell me, fuck you.

I will come to your house, and I'll walk in the fucking front door.

I don't give a shit.

You ain't going to call me disrespecting me

because somebody fucking decided to keep their fucking cars.

Well, fuck you and fuck them.

I'll fuck where you live, my God.

Where you live.

Hey, you want to tell me fuck you?

I'll kick your fucking door and you tell me in my face.

You come here, you motherfucker.

I'll say it in your big fat face.

Damn right I will.

And I'll have a .357 I'll put in your fucking head

and I'll fucking shoot you.

I don't give a shit.

You'll try.

I'll snatch it out of your hand.

I'll snatch it.

I'll snatch it out of your hand

And I'll turn it on you

Where do you live at then pussy

I don't give a shit how far it is

Tell me

1211 Horse Machine Ranch Road

Where's that at

Rogersville

Rogersville.

Really?

What's your name?

GPS it.

My name is Cross.

Okay.

And I'll snatch that gun right out of your hand.

I hope you do.

And I'm going to turn it on you and make you take your pants off.

You're going to be lucky.

You know, it's pretty bad that you're that fucking damn.

Damn, you're fucking so dumb.

I'm a motherfucker.

I'm going to turn you right around and fuck you in that tight little asshole of yours

with no Vaseline or nothing.

No spit, no Vaseline.

Yeah, I hear you.

I'm going to make you a girl.

Man, you ain't nothing but a shit talker.

I'm going to make you a girl.

I live.

I'm right now, I'm at the fucking library.

And I fucking, here in a minute, I'm heading to my house.

If you want to try something or you want to disrespect me, both them fucking cars are sitting there.

And I'll be sitting out fucking side.

You, since you live in Rogersville, you come on out.

I mean, if you think you're fucking bad to tell me fucking disrespect to me and shit like that,

I'm going to show you what disrespect really is, buddy, because I'm going to lay you down hard.

Whatever.

You don't know me and you don't know my family.

You don't know me.

If you knew me and you knew who my family was,

you wouldn't be calling me fucking testing me out over some fucking two bullshit cards.

You don't know me, motherfucker.

You don't know who I am.

I don't need to.

I got the Russ's family in Hawkins County, and if you want to see it, you come on over.

I'm going to fuck you and your whole family.

Oh, wow, dude.

Big time.

Big time anger.

All because of two cars that aren't for sale anymore.

I'm sorry, but the person you called has a voice mailbox that has not been set up yet.

Oh, we should set that shit up, yo.

I'm going to save that number because that guy was a fun machine.

Let me add that real quick here.

I don't even have a name for the guy.

He just had shit for sale.

So I'm just going to put Dodge Stealth for sale.

Okay.

And fuck it, I'm going to try to call him one more time.

An update, Evil Artie says he'll join in about five minutes.

He'll be in and out, though.

Can't stay for long.

UK Ted says he remembers who I am.

He was kidding.

Thanks for keeping the podcast going.

They helped him through some rough times.

I understand, because you're really busy.

He says he also sent a request to Frank.

I'll check for that.

Good talking to you.

UK Ted, everyone says hi.

Then offering to send numbers.

I'll say yes.

Yes, yes, please, and numbers, yeah.

Deanne, I'm going to add you to the conference real quick here

just so you can send numbers in there, all right?

You don't have to answer, Deanne, if you don't want to.

But now you're added.

UK Ted calling in now to join.

Hello, UK Ted.

Oh, what happened?

Or he called and hung up, maybe?

I don't know.

Oh, we'll wait on that.

UK Ted, if you wanted to join, call back in if it wasn't a mistake.

All right, we've got someone selling a Smith & Wesson.

Smith & Wesson.

Hey, UK Ted, how are you?

Hey, guys, how's it going?

Good.

Were you meaning to call, or did I call you on accident?

No, no, I called you, but I forgot to pause the stream.

Oh, okay.

You get the echo, indeed.

And I guess Dan is connecting also.

I'm not sure if he will or not.

Okay, here's a number for a guy selling a gun.

If I call my current call...

Hang on.

I'm calling you back, UKTAD.

Give me a second.

I'm not in control of that conference.

That's not going to work.

I'll call UKTAD, then I'll dial in Dan separately.

All right, Skype problems.

Tad, did you make it back now?

Yeah, I'm still here.

All right, good.

Let's see if this works now.

Trying the call again.

It says it'll be put on hold.

I want to add it to the conference.

Here we go.

All right, good.

Thank God.

No answer here.

It doesn't appear.

I got someone who's selling bowls, styrofoam bowls, plates, paper plates, paper bowls, and

styrofoam plates and bowls.

I'm sorry, but the person you called has a voicemail box that has no...

Hey, Dan.

D-N.

How are you?

D-N, are you...

Hey.

Hey, buddy.

D-N is getting numbers.

Good.

We managed to get Nunu on.

Yeah.

No.

Oh, hey, how are you doing?

You got some paper plates and bowls and stuff like that?

Yes, I do.

Where are they from?

Did you get them from the church?

Did what?

Did you get them from the church?

No.

Where'd you get them?

What do you mean?

Are they clean?

Yeah, they're clean.

Yeah, they haven't been used or nothing?

No.

Where'd they come from, a church?

No, I don't get a big load of them.

Oh, yeah?

That's good.

Yeah, man.

Totally.

I'm calling from the Church of the Machine.

Calling from what?

The Church of the Machine.

we're a new church that's opening up in rogersville and we're gonna have a secret uh dark

mass we worship the the satan comes down and we worship the dark evil mass where the great eagle

and satan uh kidnap jesus and force them to do sodomy and stuff like that sodomist acts it's

called the dark mass we channel the spirit of the great eagle so we make a soup out of bald eagles

and we need, like, a lot of bowls.

But we went to Sam's, and it's way too expensive there.

Like, we saw the big packs, you know, at Sam's Club,

and we don't even have a membership.

We just went to look, and we saw we can't afford that.

There's not, I mean, there's quite a lot of us,

but we're mostly poor, you know?

So anyway, we make a soup, and we all need to share it.

So we like some of the bowls, do you understand?

All right, how much for the bowls?

I think they're about $1.50 a pack.

How many come to a pack? Come on.

Don't waste my fucking time.

Hey, don't get hateful with me or don't call me.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I don't have to fucking tell them to you.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I mean, I ain't going to stand to attitude, so just go look somewhere else.

No, no, I'm sorry.

Come on, brother.

I'm sorry, okay?

No, you can just buy one at Sam's or Walmart and find somebody else.

No, no, it's too expensive.

Come on, we're a church.

Come on, please.

Yeah, whatever.

This is going nowhere, so this is rude.

That's what happens.

That actually works quite well.

Yeah, UK Ted, do you like being rude?

You're never rude to people, right?

You never get mad at public?

No, I'm far too polite.

It's my downfall.

Don't call me no more.

Come on.

I'll put UK Ted on.

He's not like that.

Go ahead, Ted.

Yeah, I'm sorry about my friend.

We just asked for some polystyrene.

I mean, the church thing, that's, you know, take it or leave it, but we need some polystyrene.

It don't matter.

Just go in and buy one more.

I ain't no good for it.

I don't want that bullshit.

We're going to melt it and just quaff the fumes.

You can join in if you want.

well you can find

just

shut up I'm speaking

just you know

set fire to it

breathe in the fumes

tell me how it goes

and report back

it's good

you got yourself a deal

how's that

do what

yeah you heard

so you're gonna set fire

to some of the polystyrene

inhale the fumes

tell me how it goes

if it's good

then you know

we can do some business

I just want to buy

some polystyrene

I'm just saying

I ain't

you're not interested

in selling polystyrene

why the fuck

have you advertised it

man

don't call me

You ain't going to call me having your fucking hateful-ass attitude and think I'm going to sell you something.

It ain't going to fucking happen.

I don't give a goddamn if I did fucking put it on there.

You're not going to call me and say that you're wanting bulls and hurry to fuck up, I'm wasting your time.

You're wasting my fucking time.

You're wasting everybody's time by advertising shit that you don't want to sell.

What is wrong with you?

I ain't going to sell it to you cocksuckers that don't know how to shut the fuck up and call me again.

The next time you call me, I'll have your ass put in jail.

How about that?

Because you're under record right now because I am a local police officer.

You know, that's a felony to pretend to be a police officer.

Can I have your badge number?

Give me your badge number right now.

Goodbye.

That's not a badge number.

We got him in big trouble because, yeah, you're right.

UK Ted, it's a felony to say you're a police officer and you're not.

It's impersonating a police officer.

It is a felony.

Good work, Ted.

Proud of you, buddy.

you're my little buddy all right some craigslist from the end yay let's have a look hang on i got

a copy pasty somewhere because this shit doesn't work in skype sometimes you click a link and it

goes all the way to the bottom of the fucking thing i've done a prank call over a year

that's okay in your life practice you have to adapt to your new life

are you happy with the choices you've made in the last two years

Oh, I am, yeah.

It was a difficult couple of years.

There you go.

Are you at least reaping the benefits and stuff?

If you are, then don't feel so bad.

Don't be so down.

Yeah.

There you go.

It was worth it.

There you go, buddy.

You're all right then.

How's your foot, by the way?

I heard you broke, what was it, your elbow?

You broke something.

Ankle.

I broke an ankle.

Ankle.

Yeah, ankle.

What actually happened?

I slipped on ice, and I rolled on my left ankle, and I broke it.

Jeez.

Sorry about that.

yeah it was really icy i was wearing these like claws like little traction kind of claws you can

put on your shoes they slip on yeah yeah yeah i was wearing those so i could get by and they did

their job they held me in place but i had lost my balance because it was so bad like it was me

my coworker we were kind of slipping and sliding all the way to our cars and about halfway through

the journey um we were just surrounded by a big patch of ice and we're like stuck we it didn't

didn't matter when any way we went so we're like fuck it let's go and we you know got through it a

little bit but then i yeah i slept and rolled on my ankle and broke it the bone was sticking out

yeah jesus is bad yes i've been out for the count that was first week of january and i'm still

not able to put weight on it i'm still on the cast boot is it possible that because of the

spikes on your shoes your foot stayed in place and the rest of you fell down yeah that's what

broke your ankle that's what i was getting at yeah i was wearing that so i wouldn't fall but

but the spikes kept my foot in place,

and that's why I rolled on my ankle like I did, yeah.

So can we call the company that makes the spikes

and shout abuse at them for breaking your ankle?

You know, we could, yeah, as a matter of fact.

I don't know what the fuck those things are called.

Let me go to Amazon and find out.

Having said that, I wouldn't want to ruin any potential litigation that is genuine.

No, I'm not going to do any litigation.

I'm not like that.

They told me it was at work, so I could have sued work,

but I was like, no, I'm not like that.

I'm not that kind of...

Everyone's like, you're stupid, you should...

I don't know, man.

If it's your work parking area and they didn't de-ice it properly,

you should be entitled to a small fortune.

That's a lot of UK calls you could be paying for right there.

Yeah, it's true.

I don't know.

It's still open.

I still could.

Still well within the time to do that, but I don't know.

I don't remember the name of the brand, to be honest with you.

I'm looking on Amazon where I bought it.

There's a whole bunch of them here, but I'm not sure which ones they are.

Hot Head Snow, Ice Snow, Ice Claws.

We can call any of them.

It doesn't matter.

I don't care.

All right, let me see if I can find a corporate website for one of these.

The Hot Heads No Slip Ice Cleats Company.

I wonder what they're even called in real life, like company-wise.

International Shoe Machines.

They're hotheads.net.

No Slip Ice Cleats.

This isn't the brand I was using, but it's the same idea.

No Slip My Ass.

Well, yeah, it didn't slip.

Just the rest of my body was moving.

All right, toll-free number for them.

I just need my computer to cooperate.

Great.

And we can still call Puerto Rico as I was doing earlier.

I don't know if you caught that, Ted, or the end, but I was prank calling Puerto Rico.

You're prank calling in Spanish.

In English.

I was making them speak English.

They speak lots of English.

Welcome to Website Services.

Our business hours are 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.

Your call is being transferred.

This is just a vending contractor company.

Are you all done?

Let's start.

Thank you for calling Customer Service.

Our business hours are Monday till Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.

if you read this message during normal business hours we are assisting well that was a waste of

time great okay well ted i tried i tried your idea no luck and i've lost interest to be quite

honest with you yeah i have the effect on people you meant well okay moving right along we got

someone wanting to borrow rent or trade for a cherry picker engine hoist if you have one

available or nor someone with one all right there okay terry says well wait a minute

Cactus sends a number for Terry, a guy who had a bad experience on United Airlines.

He wanted his flight changed 24 hours before and was told, well, says that the United employee was a smartass, so he swore at her.

Then he got a call from a blocked number saying it was customer service and they didn't appreciate him swearing, nor did they appreciate his business.

Yeah, if you're going to, if you, so, yeah.

Here's what happens with customers.

I've worked in situations like this.

So basically this customer wanted the impossible done on short notice, was told, I'm sorry, it can't be done.

So his way to try to convince the person to do it is to be mean, angry, and swear at them.

These people need to be stopped.

So, yeah, what happens is, like, if I was in a call center and someone did that to me, I would write down the number.

And then on my lunch break, I would call from the phones that we had on the floor that were for anybody's use.

And they either came up as blocked or came up with a generic 800 number for the company.

and i would be like you know you call you uh you have problem like you know what i mean like was

your problem you you know we did that all the time like there was the the girl i sat next to

me there was a girl that sat next to me and whenever like i remember some guy called her

a cunt once like she's like oh my god this guy called me the c word and i said what's his phone

number and i got it and i called for one of those phones like yeah i'm a supervisor here and he's

like yeah like yeah you just called and you spoke to kim you called her a bad word and you got all

scared it's like i'm sorry i'm sorry yeah i didn't yell on him or nothing but i scared him it was

funny yeah i had a small collection of phone numbers of asshole hotel guests back in the day

but i never got around to calling them unfortunately oh they're always there man anywhere you work

assholes right i think someone wrote on reddit a while ago it always rung true with me but everybody

should be forced to work in customer service for at least a few months just so they they know what

it's like so they know what it's like coming on the other end of the you know the receiving end

And yeah, totally.

You'll learn that really quick.

After the first day of working in a busy call center, you'll be like, ah, shit.

What the fuck?

I can't believe.

And really, I base a lot of my prank calls, to be honest with you, the stupid shit I say

on the show, I base it on actual customer interactions I've had from my early 20s, just

dealing with customers who said the stupidest shit like this when I worked in a credit

card call center.

and then later on in a bank call center a large national bank something about america that's

terrifying yeah international bank of united states of america machine something like that

uh i'm getting a call back from that area code that we were calling before the shit for sale

i get afraid because i always think maybe it's the police the local police calling like yo we

got a report you're calling from this number you know what i mean that shit happens so i just let

to go to voicemail what happens is these people they never leave a long voicemail their voicemails

are like two seconds long and this is them you know i have to customize i have to customize it

yeah that's it okay and here's another incoming number someone else pissed off someone else we

fucked with today okay i'll start i'll stop fucking around we got a few more minutes until

brad is required to show up right yeah here's a customer service survey request as a machine

This guy was on Twitter saying complaints about complaining about I have confirmed this number and he is picking up.

Excellent.

OK, let me see what his complaint was then.

In the meantime, Brad, who is contractually obligated to join us now, is calling in.

Hello, Brad.

Hi, Carlito.

Hey, buddy.

Welcome.

Hi, Brad.

Hi, Ted.

Attention.

According to this Twitter complaint, this person was having a nice day until flaked again and they lost their service.

and he had to spend an hour of his precious time on a snow day when he was stuck at home anyway

running through tech support oh my god right like the real life happens guys one hour is nothing

bro you should it means you're stupid and it was probably something you did to fix yourself

but i'll call i'll do the whole angle as a survey to see if he complains about it let's do it

Woo-hoo!

Brad is my supervisor, should one be needed.

UK Tech can also be the lawyer, because he's British.

Yep.

And the N, I don't know, can be the secretary.

There you go.

We all have our roles.

Here we go.

Yes, hello.

This is Eddie.

I'm calling on behalf of United Business Machines.

I'm supposed to have a customer survey with you regarding a recent interaction with...

No, I didn't opt into the survey.

Thanks.

Well, you're required to do it, or we're going to have to charge you the $25.

tech support fee what there's a 25 get out of town get no way no freaking way sir i'll have

to put it on your account here if you don't go through i will dispute that all the way to the

bank but you're not and you'll pay i'm not taking this what did what did i do what what button did

i hit when i call up because my didn't work you were to say that you guys are gonna are gonna

give me a marketing survey in exchange for a 25 no get out of town can i explain can i explain

Explain why, please, sir.

Go ahead.

Which point did I opt into this?

At some point during your call, one of the agents or agents that you spoke with marked you down as having cursed,

like used foul language, so that automatically triggers that you were obviously upset during the call.

So that means that you were rude to him.

No, no.

I did not use foul language because I don't do that.

We've reviewed the call and you were rude.

I don't do that to text service people.

You know why I do do that is to unsolicited marketers calling me to try to get me to take some BS survey.

Does that count as a cuss word, BS?

No, it doesn't.

Because I just said BS.

Well, it was because you were rude.

You're going to charge me more money for saying BS, man?

You said you were rude.

You were rude, and that triggered it also, and you're being rude now?

I was worried.

I was worried because my cuss word doesn't work.

The service that I pay for doesn't function.

And, yeah, that makes me worried because I work from home.

It affects my livelihood and my productivity of the day, and so does talking to you.

So go ahead and put $25 charge on my bill, and we'll get it erased.

Don't worry about it.

All right, I'll talk to you later.

Have a good day, buddy.

Talk to you later.

Can I explain the customer interaction fee?

Bye-bye, Carly.

Wow, he lost it there.

No fees.

You know what?

He needs a business account to be working from home.

We need to shut him down.

All right, I'm calling him back to tell him that.

Is he paying income tax?

He should be.

Business tax as well.

Sir, I have you down that you're not a business customer,

so if you're working from home and it's affecting your work,

I'm going to have to actually have your service shut down

until you can set up a business account.

There is a deposit.

Oh, that's great.

Thanks a lot.

Yeah, I'll talk to you later, buddy.

All right.

See you.

Fucking asshole.

He's like, whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So Cactus in the chat room had a brilliant idea.

If you call him again and ask him his satisfaction of the previous review,

the previous call.

Okay.

All right.

There you go.

If he picks up the system.

Oh, I didn't add it.

Hello?

Hi there. I understand you've been receiving calls from representatives.

I'd just like to get a quick survey to rate your experience with our reviews earlier today.

Who was calling me?

What is this? Are you affiliated with...

Are you a contractor?

I'm calling on behalf of...

I understand you had one of our representatives call you earlier today,

and I'd just like to do a quick satisfaction survey to make sure you're happy with the service you received.

Is that okay? Can I continue, please?

How long will the survey take? Give me an estimate.

Probably about 25 minutes, if that's okay, sir.

it? 25 minutes. It's just a survey. I just want to make sure that the last call that you received

met your expectations and you're satisfied with the customer experience. The last call I received

or the service call that I made? No, the call you received, I understand you were called by

representative called Cross and the service lasted about five minutes. I just wanted to make sure

everything was okay and you're satisfied with your services. Short service should take about

about three minutes this is not i i just don't understand what's going on here you guys are

telling me that that my bill will be charged an extra 25 dollars if i don't take this customer

satisfaction survey which that doesn't make any sense to me no the 25 charge has already been

applied i'm just the uh i'm just here to make sure you are satisfied with the service so this

is uh wait so this is a satisfaction you're you're now polling me about my satisfaction with the

The Previous Satisfaction Survey, is that right?

That's correct.

All our representatives are graded.

What kind of business is this?

Who writes your paycheck?

What's the business name that you work under?

I'm calling on behalf of a investor.

On behalf of a investor?

Do you work for a company?

No, I work for a business.

Are you subcontracted by a company?

That's correct, yes, sir.

You're contracted by a company.

That's my question, sir.

I'll take about three minutes.

What's the name of your company?

what's the name of the company that's contracted by international telephone business machines and

we're owned by international uh what what is it international telephone business machines and

we're owned by and i'm today satisfied with the customer service that you've received

no i'm not satisfied at all being um threatened by your previous representative and um i'm not

satisfied by having every time i call i have to go through the phone tree okay can i international

You said international telephone business machines?

That's correct, sir. We're owned by...

So, first question, sir.

Is your gender identity the same as the one that you're assigned at birth?

Yes or no?

I'm sorry? That's your first question?

Yes, sir.

Is your gender identity the same as the one that you're assigned at birth?

What kind of joke is this?

Who is this?

I'm sorry?

Yes or no, sir?

Who is this?

This is somebody I know.

This is KDK.

This is who?

KDK.

Who?

KDK.

KDKpranks.com.

Who's KDKpranks?

KDKprankcalls.com.

That's our website.

We're a crazy group of prank callers.

What the hell is this, dude?

We invented prank calls.

Yeah, you've been KDK'd.

This is just weird, dude.

This is like...

Bisexual or transsexual.

We bought a bunch of customer information.

Sells it in blocks.

Dude, that is weird, dude.

You can buy a block of...

And you guys do this?

You make prank calls like this?

Yeah, it sells a block of 1,000 customers for, like, $1,500.

Yeah.

This isn't a prank call.

I'm not sure where the other voice is coming from.

Well, the funny thing is it's just evil enough to be believable.

Sir, on a scale of 1 to 10,

how much are you defrauding by using your home account for your business?

Because we will report that.

We are going to let them know about that.

It's a snow day, dude.

Go look it up.

It's a snow day.

Everybody in the city is working from home.

Do you have any mental impairments or retardations

that may affect your ability to understand erotic media?

The British guy's good.

That's all right.

The British guy's good.

Are you guys, like, good cop, bad cop?

The British guy's really funny.

Don't make me British.

It's just believable enough to be...

It's just evil enough to be believable.

It's pretty good.

It's weird, though.

I have trouble wrapping my head around this.

So what do you guys do with the recording?

You know, for a guy who works from home,

you have a lot of time for prank calls.

I mean, you know, beats like screwing around on the internet, right?

But what do you guys do with the recording?

We destroy it immediately.

We send it to your boss.

Who said it was being recorded?

Well, what would be the point then?

If you're not recording it, what would be the point?

Exactly.

For fun.

Yeah, okay, for fun.

Yeah, go to kdkprankcalls.com.

That's us.

I'm KDK.

David Coren.

I'm from Connecticut.

Alright, that's pretty weird

But, you know, pretty funny too

I'll give you guys that

Just evil enough to be believable

Eat shit and die, just hang up

Fuck off

Dickface

Yeah, because he's going to be like

Oh my god, they sell my shit, I'm going to sue

You heard him? He sounds like he's sue happy, right?

Suing crazy

He's ready to sue us

He's getting all the company names

Filing his lawsuit paperwork

So he's going to be on

No, guys, you were laughing and I just broke up.

I did, too.

I'm sorry.

I hope KDK gets the heat for that one.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Okay.

I hope they shut down our website.

Yeah, exactly.

Evil Artie, if you're listening, you said you were going to join, motherfucker, and you're not here.

Shall I keep going?

I think so.

No, let's quit.

Okay, let's quit.

Yeah, whatever.

I'm going to do a few more and then I'm done.

That was the complainer that Dashie sent in.

Thank you, Dashie, who is especially helpful lately.

Thank you.

think Dashie's up to something. Like, he's just too nice.

Yeah, he's doing too many nice things.

He sounds too much of an entrapment guy.

I think he's like Death Sox or Book of Who or something. He's just trying to get on our good side.

Yeah, or he's like a fed agent trying to entrap us.

That's probably it.

That's what I'm thinking.

So I got my eye on him.

Don't worry, the arm already is checking him out.

Good.

Let me know if you need help.

Yeah, exactly.

Okay.

I'm going to go back to the map here where Puerto Rico is located,

the Island of Enchantment, where you can use United States dollars, apparently.

That's something we just learned today.

here's a place over there called best opportunities i have no idea what that is

let's find out let's find out together it's on numero dos calle madrid numero quince san juan

puerto rico doble cero nueve cero siete that is the address thank you their website is webgo.cc

what the fuck is that i don't think they know what internet is this place yeah the website is

Call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

No luck there.

I'm going to get one more answer, and I'm done.

I just posted one in chat if you want it.

Okay.

Maybe I do.

Let me see it.

It'll fail.

My stuff always fails.

All right.

Let's see if we're there.

Someone's in the cafe machine.

I would never use anything where you have to check in.

I never do that because of this show.

Hey, I need to talk to Diane.

It's an emergency.

Her cell phone isn't picking up, and she's supposed to be there.

Diane?

Diane.

I have a Diane here.

No, not working there.

Are you talking about a customer?

Yeah, a customer.

Yeah, her cell phone's not picking up.

She's supposed to be there, and it's urgent.

She has dark hair, glasses.

Diane, are you Diane?

What's your last name?

Are you Diane?

Hello?

Hey, honey, how are you?

Sorry, who is this?

Oh, this is Cross.

I'm calling from the future.

I'm sorry.

I'm having a really hard time here.

Can you do it one more time?

My name is Cross.

I'm calling from the future.

I have that you're on March 3rd, 2014.

14 you were going to drink that have a drink at coffee bar there do not have that drink the the

arm is after you they sent an agent back in time and they were going to try to infiltrate you before

the war of the machine hello oh man i got a warner about the war of the machine i am diane from the

future brad yeah i just saw that shit you tell her tell her we're time agents uh come on they're

Good afternoon.

Hi, I got disconnected somehow.

Could I talk to Diane again?

No, I'm sorry.

Well, it's very important.

I'm a time agent from the future.

Ma'am?

No, they're gone.

They're gone.

Oh.

All right, so,

Kara, I just checked.

I probably shouldn't say

that there's something poisonous in that.

Probably not.

Because I'm saying there's polonium.

I'm sure that's not a good idea.

I was going to cancel it out

by saying I'm a police officer from the future.

All right, now we're time agents again.

I like time agents.

I want a movie poster.

Of us being time agents.

Hello, this is Hayley.

How can I help you?

Yes, Hayley, hello.

This is time agent Garcia.

I need to talk to, there should be a Cara Cazina there.

She's a customer.

Yeah, it's very important that I talk to her.

It's urgent.

She's a customer?

Yes, she is.

I'm not sure.

What was the name again?

Cara.

Cara Cazina.

I don't have anyone here by that name that I know of.

That's a customer in our lobby.

Okay, well, maybe she just left.

I'm a time agent from the future.

I'm a special time agent, Garcia.

You're trying to get in touch with one of our customers.

Yeah, she's supposed to be here right now at this time.

Do you not have her phone number?

Well, we tried reaching her, and it's not going through.

We're calling from 22 years, 3 months in the future.

Well, if you're in the future, you should be able to get in touch with her.

Well, I guess I could call back again like 10 minutes ago.

Maybe she'd still be there, right?

You're saying you're from the future?

Yeah, yeah.

I'd rather have you not call back for a prank call, please.

Well, I'll call back like 15 minutes ago, all right?

I'm going to hang up and call back in the past.

All right, bye.

How would that work, man?

That's how Back to the Future would work, because then he would have already heard me call.

How does that shit work, man?

That's all these dimensions, warp hole, nine hole.

Let's try it.

Let's try it for real.

Let's call 15 minutes ago.

Let's see.

Let's call and act like it failed.

What's in the city?

Yes, hello.

I'm calling from 15 minutes ago.

My name is Special Time Agent Garcia.

Okay.

I'm calling from 2036.

six i need to speak to kara she should be there right now she wasn't there 15 minutes uh in the

future so i'm calling back now oh no she ain't here so she's somewhere in between here and 15

minutes later right well she's not here at the moment i gotta i'm gonna go forward like five

minutes okay well yeah i'm pretty sure you got the wrong number anyway okay thank you all right

now my head's going fucking across now now i'm losing it and i'm like

Like, well, how am I going to call in the future if I'm in the past?

Whatever.

Okay.

Any more of those?

I like that.

I like the special time agent.

Special time agent Garcia.

Someone checked in at Candlestick Park.

Right.

That doesn't sound good, though.

Yeah, no.

I guess you could call someone and say something crazy and then call five minutes later and

say, I'm going to call five minutes ago and make you do something crazy.

That's a great idea.

Yeah.

That would be how it works, right?

Yeah.

Well, it's kind of like Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure,

where at the beginning, future Bill and Ted showed up,

and they're like, dude, you're going to have a great adventure, man.

That's crazy.

Well, that's how it would sound on there, actually.

Ask him what number am I thinking of right now.

69, dudes.

I'm going to go back in time 15 minutes,

and this crazy British guy is going to call you and be rude.

Captain Logan, we found your keys.

Oh, shit.

Okay, look, we've got to move on.

I don't want to watch Bill and Ted.

Is that on Netflix?

Look that up.

I don't think it is.

I don't know how to download that thing.

Man, I've got to find it.

Some smart ass has probably put it on YouTube.

Canistream.it.

Do you ever check that out, Brad?

Like whenever there's a movie and I don't know where it's at, you go to canistream.it

and you put it in there and it grabs.

It searches any kind of online video, Netflix, Amazon, iTunes.

It tells you where it's at for rent, for sale.

I'll have to remember that.

I just download stuff from Torrents.

I'm patient.

I'm old.

There you go.

I just, you know, I can wait, like, a day.

Just use Project Free TV and just get anything streamed.

Project Free TV.

Yeah, like, I haven't really found,

I haven't failed to find anything that I've looked for on there.

It's usually pretty good.

What is it, streaming, torrenting?

Yeah, no, it's stream.

I'm working my way through Breaking Bad on that.

Oh, okay, cool.

There you go.

I guess it's a little different for you guys in Europe, too.

You don't have, like, Netflix like we do.

You don't have the same one.

Yeah, we do.

But it's not the same shows and stuff sometimes, right?

Yeah, they're missing a lot of stuff.

Yeah, but you also have some stuff.

Canada is, too.

Yeah, Canada is, too.

Okay, all right.

I just bookmarked Project Free TV.

I'll check that out one day.

Okay, I did say, kind of, that I was going to wrap it up.

I guess I'm going to because I'm getting kind of tired.

My ears are hot because of the headphones I'm wearing.

They're getting warm.

I've got, like, five more numbers here, though.

Okay, we'll go look at you.

No, no, I'm kidding.

I don't have anything.

Nobody else has checked in.

Okay.

All right, then I'm signing off.

I'll see you guys.

Thanks, Ted, The N, and RBCP.

for... Did I call any... I didn't

call any of the N's numbers, did I? Hang on, let me do some

of those. Shit. Oh, screw the N. No, no.

I think I just did one of them. He

confirmed a few. Fuck that asshole.

I'm going to do one. You guys can drop off if you want,

but I'll do a few of the N's.

Here's Steinway and Son's

Grand Piano for

Model M in mint condition.

Awesome. So there, RBCP.

I'm using that Synergy app

today. I love it, dude. So I only

have to worry about the one mouse going back and forth.

Yeah, yeah. I use it constantly on

and it's just everything, every single day I'm using it.

I've got my laptop controlling all three screens.

Yeah, well, when I'm not doing a show, I prefer to use my KVM switch,

but for the show, it's great.

I don't have to hit the button and just one mouse,

and especially the shared clipboard is what really helps.

So if someone sends me a number on one machine,

I can copy and just paste it right in on the other.

It saves me a lot of time, I'm telling you.

Yep, it's really helpful for shows.

I've only done like two shows with it so far,

but it's really, really helpful.

I can't believe I didn't do this years ago.

Yep, there you go.

I used to get drunk and I would type on the wrong keyboard

and type things into the wrong windows and stuff.

Well, yeah, that or you put a password in.

That's the worst, man.

Oh, yeah.

Wasn't that Gia that did that a few weeks ago?

Yeah, he did it recently.

Type his IRC password in the IRC.

Ah, shit.

Oh, yeah, well, you dumbass.

All right, a ladies medium fall black Sherpa jacket.

Ooh, nice, Sherpa.

It's my favorite.

Yeah, I'd rather have alpaca.

Hello, this is Kristen Victory with Douglas Elliman.

And I'm unable to answer your call

No answer there

Moving right along to the next one

A 2001 Honda Civic EX

That's a nice car

5 speed for sale

I wonder if it's in the electron blue

Let's find out

That was a good color

But I don't think they held up really well

After they aged

The color, that electron blue

You guys have no idea what I'm talking about

It was like this purplish light dark blue

Oh, that's the one that always peels off, right?

I don't know

Hello?

Yeah, how you doing?

Good. Is that Electron Blue, Honda Civic EX you got?

Yes.

It is word, and it looks okay, because I know they were all fading.

After five years, they started having fading problems and shit.

Nah, everything's good.

There's a couple of dings and dents here and there, just from regular road use,

but not too crazy, no real body damage.

125 miles, you've been getting the oil change every how many, every three?

Every 3,000 miles, yeah.

All right, good. You take good care of that motherfucker, right?

right? Yeah, man. Yeah, I'm on the fucker. Yeah, I want to go see. I want to kick it a little bit,

you know? Can I come with a baseball bat? Come with a baseball bat? Yeah. So I'm going to hit

you across the head, on the back of the head, and shove it up your asshole? Why is that? Because I

want to take the car. Who is this? This is Cross. Oh, so you want the car or not? Yeah, I need a

car. Yeah, I play a lot of Grand Theft Autos. That's how I buy cars. Oh, okay. So what do you

want to do? You want to come take a look at it? Well, yeah. I was figuring you'd stop at a light

and I get out

and all I usually do

is I punch the

like the right side window

and you usually get mad

and you get out

of the driver's side

and then I switch

to the baseball bat

and I hit you a few times

and you fall on the ground

and I hit you a few more

and the money comes out

and then I take the money

and then I drive off.

Yeah.

I drive off for a while.

I usually get like

one wanted star

and then I drive off

for a while

and it goes away.

Alright, that's cool.

What the fuck

do you want from me then?

Where do you want to do that at?

Where in Liberty City

do you want to go?

Man, suck my dick,

little faggot.

What the fuck is wrong

with you, nigga?

If I ever catch you

on a fucking street,

I'm gonna kill you,

bitch-ass nigga.

Bitch-ass motherfucker.

He sounded just like

a GTA character.

He's going to the

spirit of it,

isn't he?

Yeah, that's funny.

Fuck you, nigga.

Did you just threaten

the car jack,

someone, Carly?

I was just saying

I wanted to play

Grand Theft Auto.

GTA 4, not 5.

4.

Yeah, fuck 5.

I'm not playing 5.

I'm not getting a console.

I'm gonna stick to

PC games only

for a few years.

Yo, what the fuck

Fuck you, B. Why the fuck you keep calling me, man?

Fuck you.

Obviously, you're playing games.

I don't give a fuck what you're talking about, all right?

I don't give a fuck about no Grand Theft Auto.

I'm not the fucking one for you to be playing with, all right?

So stop fucking calling my phone.

You're talking about some Grand Theft Auto fucking video game shit, nigga.

Some real mad shit.

Get out of here.

Fuck you, Wayne.

Stop calling my fucking phone, B.

Fuck you.

Faggot-ass nigga.

I'll smack the shit out of you if you ever come in my hood, you bitch-ass nigga.

Yeah, let's do it.

Where at?

Where do you live at, boy?

Fucking faggot.

Stop calling my phone, B.

Where do you live, boy?

You're just angry because you have a pussy car.

Where do you live, Method Man?

Hang on.

Let me talk to the RZA.

He seemed nice.

What do you want, dog?

Why do you keep calling me, yo?

Listen, are you the Method Man?

Is that why you're mad?

Dog, I don't give a fuck.

Why do you keep calling me, my nigga?

This is motherfucking real shit.

Why do you keep calling me?

Like, you don't got nothing better to do?

Like, I don't got time for you to be calling me about no fucking game, dog.

You understand what I'm saying?

Yeah.

You're a white boy, obviously, right?

You got nothing better to do.

You play video games all day.

Stop calling me, B.

What the fuck do you want, my nigga?

Like, what the fuck do you want?

So, do I really sound like a white boy to you?

Seriously?

Dog, I don't give a fuck what you are, dog.

Why the fuck you keep calling me?

I don't understand this shit.

Why the fuck you keep calling me if you're not trying to do business?

You're not serious, right?

You keep playing with me.

What the fuck you want, dog?

I'm not a kid, all right?

I'm not for the games, all right?

You keep calling and wasting my time about nothing.

And you keep calling me.

What the fuck do you want?

Do you want the fucking car or not?

How many balloon pants can I fit in the Honda?

Dogs, what the fuck do you want?

I want the car, yes.

How much?

You want the car?

So why the fuck do you keep talking about some black and photo shit?

You're not talking about no real money, dog.

You don't got no real money.

Why the fuck do you keep calling me?

I'm sorry.

I just, I came from Europe on a boat.

You're fucking calling me, dog.

You understand what I'm saying?

Stop fucking calling me, dude.

Fuck you.

Fuck you, motherfucker.

Yeah, all right then.

So stop fucking calling me, you fucking faggot.

I'm going to-

Who you fucking gay?

You like men?

You fucking punk?

The fuck you want?

You want fucking punks?

Where you at, dog?

Where you at?

Where you located with a 541 area code, huh?

My name is Zolar.

You want to play this fucking game?

Let's play this fucking game.

Where you at?

My name is Zolar.

So what the fuck do you want from me, dog?

I'm going to fight you, boy.

I'm going to-

You a fucking clown, bro.

Bro, stop calling my phone, B.

Fuck you.

Listen, boy.

Oh, shit.

He sounds like the kind of guy I'd like to introduce to my parents.

And we're calling him again.

He's like, where the fuck are you?

Make fun of his car.

Bro, what do you want, B?

Your car's a piece of shit.

I just looked it up.

It's a piece of shit.

All right, so then, go fuck, nigga.

I don't give a fuck.

You think my car's a piece of shit?

Who are you?

You're nobody.

So stop fucking calling me, B.

You said it was blue, electron blue.

It's not.

It's not silver, you stupid motherfucker.

All right, so what the fuck you want from me, dog?

You're a fucking liar.

I want you to apologize.

I command you to apologize.

I'll apologize.

Who are you, B?

Where you from?

My name is Cross.

From where?

I'm from, well, Brooklyn.

Bed-Stuy.

You're from Brooklyn?

Bed-Stuy.

So what the fuck you want from me, B?

What do you want from me?

I'm from Bed-Stuy, son, and I'll fuck you up, boy.

Yeah, right, you little faggot.

Stop calling my phone, man.

Come here, bitch.

Come to me.

Whatever.

I'm done.

that's me trying to sound hard

I believed it I'm scared of you now

you would be because you don't know you're the nerd

he was talking about just playing the video

that's true he heard me in the background

yeah then UK Ted's like

I don't sound white at all you know you're like the

whitest guy on the conference right now

as white as it comes

that was perfectly charming

alright guys

leave me alone alright see you guys later

all right bye time agent signing out special time agent brad carter signing

i've been carlito your time agent with the time police today what's the time patrol

let me hold the button police can't bust me i want to thank everyone who joined

And Brad, Yen, UK Ted, Jin Stewart, and Big Baby Baz.

And everyone who sent in numbers and ideas, including Big Dashy, Big Nunu, Cactus sent in some info.

I think there were a few more there.

Sorry, Brad, with the Twitter check-in also.

And also, thanks to the island of Puerto Rico.

Well, we learned today that they also use the American dollar.

I'll catch you here Thursday.

Thank you.

People look like this is all about money.

Calls (43, 1 h 56 min of 2 h 50 min)

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