MadhouseSearch

United Fiber Machines 3/11/14

11 Mar 2014 · 1 h 34 min · 12,773 words · source

Calls (29, 57 min of 1 h 34 min)
  1. Call about lost dog Maggie live 45 s clip ↓
  2. Hour Fitness call about harassment live 3.9 min clip ↓
  3. Prank call playback playback 38 s clip ↓
  4. Voicemail for Jorge Padilla voicemail 41 s clip ↓
  5. Customer asks about direct deposit and papers live 4.7 min clip ↓
  6. Customer demands employee papers live 39 s clip ↓
  7. Customer demands info for lawsuit live 2.7 min clip ↓
  8. Discussing OBO and mattress sale live 34 s clip ↓
  9. Calling Amazing Animals about rock cats live 1.4 min clip ↓
  10. Two-bedroom apartment seeker left voicemail voicemail 34 s clip ↓
  11. Yard sale free hay request voicemail 1.0 min clip ↓
  12. Launch Control Center prank call live 1.1 min clip ↓
  13. Debt collector prank on Adam live 3.1 min clip ↓
  14. Pro soccer player Fernando voicemail voicemail 55 s clip ↓
  15. Dirty carpet cleaner prank call live 1.8 min clip ↓
  16. Freestone Park ring finder prank live 2.6 min clip ↓
  17. Fat Albert's franchise closing sale live 2.6 min clip ↓
  18. Valente and Associates steak complaint live 7.6 min clip ↓
  19. Prank call to fake romantic encounter live 1.1 min clip ↓
  20. Call to millwork company for video casting live 43 s clip ↓
  21. Millwork company for gay music video live 1.2 min clip ↓
  22. National Fiber Supply constipation call live 6.7 min clip ↓
  23. Kismet restaurant ordered food live 1.9 min clip ↓
  24. Bombay Club repeated order live 1.6 min clip ↓
  25. Owens Corning Kansas City plant IVR ivr 2.1 min clip ↓
  26. Spice Island restaurant order prank live 1.1 min clip ↓
  27. French hotel night security booking prank live 2.3 min clip ↓
  28. Hotel caller after hang-up live 36 s clip ↓
  29. Cross customer service complaint call live 53 s clip ↓

Transcript

You motherfucker, put the phone down, you fucker.
Fuck you, you wanker.
I'm calling from United Fiber Machines.
United Fiber Machines.
I'm not playing no fucking games, man.
I, I fuck you, son of a bitch.
Stop making us stupid callings.
You're out of your crazy mind.
You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.
I'll fuck you all night long.
You're not perfect.
Why don't you piss off?
You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.
Hi, Bass.
Hey.
Hi, buddy.
How you doing, man?
How you doing?
I'm doing good.
I'm drinking coffee.
Oh, yeah.
Nice.
What time is it where you are?
Is it noon already?
Yeah, it's 12.14.
Oh, yeah.
Nice dark coffee or white people coffee?
Oh, dark coffee, man.
I drink my coffee dark.
No cream, no sugar.
Yeah, like your stool.
Damn right.
Damn it.
Damn it.
Damn it's the best thing in a long time, man.
I'll tell you what.
I love it.
Yeah, I was having fun with those calls yesterday.
Yep.
Yes, sir.
and you were on earlier today when when did you guys well you were on the turbo right when did
you guys finish yeah he finished a couple hours ago oh yeah okay yeah i think he was feeling a
bit tired he said he was up all night well yeah it's understandable yeah but we had fun i mean he
broke some new ground and called andorra and uh some other countries morocco oh wow did you say
he called pandora no andora oh tiny tiny country next to spain oh i thought you called like pandora
like in the movie an avatar that'd be amazing wow yeah well that is fucking awesome all right well
i'm carlito this is a madhouse show i'm not really prepared i'm just making a final little tweak here
to my new laptop setup that's why it took me so long to start and that's why i'm kind of
of bullshitting right now trying linux for my uh skype machine instead of the windows laptop setup
that i had before we'll have to see how that holds up maybe i'm hoping it's better i don't know
skype seems to have all the same features on linux but it's missing it's not the same format so i'm
gonna have to learn shit on the fly here with conferencing i have yet to do that on here so
So, oops, I muted myself on accident, speaking of which.
All right, well, here we go.
I've got plenty of request to pranks.
You can send your requests also now if you'd like.
There's a new voicemail.
There was a voicemail here.
I'm sorry.
There was a voicemail here, but it's empty.
What were you saying?
Go ahead.
Yeah, Arby sent me some 24-hour fitness numbers yesterday that I didn't get around to on my show.
If you want them, I could post them in for you.
Fuck yeah.
Yeah, I like to do some fitness stuff.
felt like to be old uh meathead you know you said you said that's what the saying is you said
yeah here's trudy who's selling a young black female dog machine about 30 pounds that's a small
dog it's white on her chest wearing a blue nylon collar so what you could take the collar off
stupid right god damn some people are so stupid all right let's see how this works if i do add
add people to this call. Well, let me do a number. Add to conference call. Okay, that works,
but not the way I want it to. Okay, so we'll do something else. Call phones. I'll hit that button.
That little keypad came up here in Ubuntu, and I'm going to paste the number. I need the area
code. These idiots didn't put the area code. All right, here we go. Editing the number. I'm going
to say call, and hopefully it gives me the option to add it to the conference automatically.
automatically because if i call the number the current call will be on hold we don't want that
and it gives you an option to call or invite to conference so i will invite the number to
conference there we go that's how you do it cool yeah i like that better than windows already hey
you have that stupid dog excuse me you have a stupid dog that you're trying to sell i have a
what i'm sorry i can't understand you i'm sorry oh you lost your stupid dog maggie the stupid dog
Actually, Maggie's been found, but thanks for calling.
Why does she run away?
Did you abuse Maggie?
Excuse me?
Did you abuse Maggie?
I'll tell you that.
You need to go get your head examined or wherever you do your thinking.
I'm just thinking maybe that's why she ran away.
You know, she wasn't happy.
You know what sucks?
I can't tell when calls disconnect.
It doesn't turn a darker color.
Really?
Yeah.
In Linux.
Again, I'm in the Linux version now, the Ubuntu version.
now there is a setup here let me test it real quick this is not going to be a normal show this
is more of like where carlito's trying to fix shit might as well do pranks while he's at it
all right so there is an option in hell that will make a sound when calls disconnect and i thought
i had set up but i might have done it wrong so let me play some music here while i do that
she was not happy huh you heard that she's like excuse me yeah she uh took great offense to that
suggestion. Well, it could be
the case. I'm just saying. You don't know.
She might not even know.
She went on up because she was guilty.
You busted her.
Call, motherfucker, call.
Oh, it's giving me the warning on the other screen.
Wait till conference. Okay, here we go.
Call has been forwarded to an automatic
voice message system. Well, no luck
there. What have you posted, good sir?
Let's see. I have three numbers
of fitness customers
that Arby tried calling
calling the other day and got no no answer okay but maybe they will today all right yeah is that
russell kimawa oh hey buddy hey i'm calling from 24 hour fitness machine you uh you remember here
24 hour fitness machine okay we have a we had a few complaints i guess about the last time you
came in did you want to talk about that before i went further did you have an opinion about the
incident? I'm not even
I'm not glad of you, man. I'm not
sure what you're talking about. Well, I guess
there were some women who were reported
that you were kind of staring at them,
ogling them, that you
positioned yourself behind
them and the machines
so you could see them, you followed them around.
I saw it on camera.
My supervisor and I, we both
saw it. Like, it's obvious.
We deal with this all the time, perverts.
You know? I might be mistaken.
no no we have we you're the one that checked in we watched you leave you also checked in
it's your access that was used well no i'm more than confident you're mistaken um now
is there anything else you'd like to talk to me about well i'd like you to come down here and
just we're going to sit down and have a chat um and then the two girls are going to be here also
and then we're going to uh we're also going to have um dr baz is going to be here he's going
going to take a statement and do a mental
evaluation.
I'm not
interested in a set down.
Well, then you're going to
have your service revoked and we're going to charge you a large
deposit. A large deposit?
Yes, because you're breaking
your contract early
and because
you broke the rules and you
sexually harassed someone,
it's going to be
about $800. I think it's
$849.
We'll come in.
I'll speak to the manager.
And then we'll take it from there.
Yeah, but they're going to be doing a mental evaluation.
They're also going to check your blood.
We're going to have a phlebotomist that's going to be here.
And they're going to send an analysis of your blood to the lab.
We're just going to check to see if you had any substances in you.
It's all in the contract when you sign that you're not supposed to be,
you're supposed to be drug alcohol free as a member here.
That's fair.
So we're going to take.
That's the last time I came in.
We're going to analyze your blood, send that to the lab.
I do have one question.
When was the last time I did come in?
It's really not safe to give that type of information out over the phone, you know, so I really can't.
Well, if you're asking for information about when and when it happened, I would love to know the date.
I'd also love to know any other information about the give out, so I can just confirm that you are who you say you are.
We can take care of all that when you get in here.
I think that's fair, right?
That's fair.
I mean, why don't you bring your perverted fucking ass here, and we'll take care of it, okay?
Sir, sir, hey, don't hang up.
This is Baz, Dr. Baz.
I was going to remind him that he needs to fast for 12 hours before the blood test.
Oh, shit, man.
Did he hang up?
Yeah.
Oh, he didn't make a sound.
This is going to make it hard for me.
That one little thing is going to make this hard for me, because I'll keep talking and talking.
Well, do you want me to give you a sign or something?
Yeah, you're going to have to give me a heads up.
You're going to have to say, you know, target gun or something.
I'll go beep.
I'll go beep.
Yeah.
Or just say click or something.
Yeah, I'll say gone.
Yeah, but don't say click.
Yeah, gone.
Yeah, but don't say gone in normal speech because then it's going to fuck up.
You know, then I'm going to hang up.
And you're just saying that you're, this is so far gone.
And you'll be like, motherfucker, I heard gone.
Yeah, seventh grade man.
horse machine horse machine all right so we got a jorge padilla padilla you're gonna do this one
right yeah yeah sure state your name after the tone and google voice bass nozwell marico he
won't answer because i said that i'm sorry i lied gary instead i'm not able to give you a name and
message and i'll get back to you as soon as possible hey hey man this is bass nozwell 24
for our fitness give us a call your earliest convenience there's an issue that must be
resolved yeah okay you can hang up cell phone's going off give me yeah i don't know why it's not
hanging up hang on i'm gonna hang up on everybody well this is a bullshit this skype relax now just
the fucking the call disappeared from my control machine i think i have to recall this what do i
do recall everybody call me i'll be right back i gotta take this phone call all right hello badge
i'm back hey all right so i have i'm under orders from my wife to do a load of laundry for her
immediately it's an emergency load of laundry you know how that goes so oh most definitely
yeah so i better go take care of that now so that everything's dry when she gets home um let me play
a prank call that's very inconvenient but it must be done you gotta do what i gotta do that's right
right so let me uh occupy myself finding a prank call here sufficient length that i can play so i
can go do that i don't know how long it's gonna take me dr nargis no i don't want to play that
i'm reticent to answer all right i'm reticent to answer sounds good i haven't heard that one in a
while that should give me a few minutes all right everyone listen to this right here i have to go do
laundry like a bitch like my wife's bitch and i'll be right back and then i can do what i want to do
with my life. Thank you, Baz, for being patient.
Craig! I thought you'd be closed by now.
Yes, we are. But I still answer the phone
because a lot of times my employees need
things from me. I'm sorry? What things?
I can't hear you. Direct deposit?
Is it happening tomorrow? Direct deposit?
Are you asking me if it's
happening here? Yeah, do you guys do direct deposit
there? Uh, we do. Okay.
So, is it going to hit tomorrow?
Uh, well, we got paid last week.
We don't get paid this week. Who's this?
Oh, this is Cross. I'm a customer.
Do we do direct deposit here?
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, some of the employees opt to.
Some of the employees don't.
All right, that's cool.
Yeah, so next week I can get a direct deposit?
Next week you can get a direct deposit?
Can I?
I'm confused.
Are you discussing banking matters as a customer?
I don't understand.
Yeah, I am.
Are you an employee that wishes to get direct deposit from us?
No, I'm a customer.
You're a customer?
Uh-huh, yeah.
I was wondering if you guys have direct deposit this week or next week or not.
Well, I don't understand why I'm releasing our financial information to a customer.
It's for an investment.
Do you guys do the ADP card also, or do you just do paychecks?
No, we don't do anything like that.
Paychecks, paper checks also, or just direct deposit?
Yeah, I don't really understand the nature of this call,
but if you want to call back tomorrow and talk to the general manager, that'd be all right.
This is all supposed to be public information.
I don't understand why you're withholding it.
You could be getting into trouble.
problem because i usually don't get i usually don't get phone calls of this nature and i'm
reticent to answer uh due to the fact that i don't know if it's public or private information i'd
really have to check with the ownership no it is public it says it on the computer yeah i'm not
comfortable taking this phone call sir with all due respect um but please have a nice night do
you have a papers well please have a nice night okay good big words he said reticent yeah i was
gonna say wow man that's threw me for a loop like when zolar said umbridge once and i was like what
What the fuck were you learning?
That's right.
Yeah, do you have the papers there?
Do I have what papers here?
Well, you know when someone gets hired, you give them certain papers like rules and the W-2 and all that?
Sure, sure, we keep those here.
Yeah, I want some copies of those.
I'm sorry?
I want to come by and get some copies of those.
I know you're closed, but maybe I could be here in like five minutes.
You give me some copies of those papers.
No, I'm not doing anything like that.
So I'm not releasing any information or payroll information to anyone.
What about the insurance information there?
No, I'm not releasing any information about the way this business is run to anyone.
I got hurt there.
You're supposed to give me the insurance information.
Yeah, I got hurt there, motherfucker.
Yeah.
I'm back.
Yeah.
That was quick.
Wasn't bad.
It was about three minutes.
Yeah.
Good.
Nino said you could do what I do, and I just spray the laundry with air freshener.
With Febreze?
Not even Febreze.
I was seeing that.
I saw that.
Yeah.
Yeah, and I also wanted to ask that one guy, I was going to tell him then,
I wanted to test his blood for pervert, but we didn't get that far.
Okay, so the George.
Got one.
Oh, no, we called them all, didn't we?
Well, the Gary I didn't get to, I thought.
Here, you want that one?
Let me find that.
Supposedly I got it.
Come on.
I think that was after.
It gives me the option to invite to conference.
I don't know.
Oh, it's giving me the option to invite it to the old conference.
Okay.
Oh, shit.
This is confusing.
I just posted it in the chat below.
Let me try it this way.
In this conf.
It's not working.
Nope, nope, it's not working.
It's not your fault, it's mine.
Hang on, let me try copy paste.
I'll copy it.
This is a disaster.
So to say, it isn't the blessing I thought it would be.
Invite to conference.
And it's asking, am I sure I want to call?
If I call, my current call, will you place on home?
Okay.
All right, now it's showing up over here.
Hello, name after the tone.
Uh, Kulo?
There's something wrong with the phone.
You there?
What a piece of shit.
Oh, what a piece of shit.
I might just not even do the show if it's going to be this bad right now.
I have no idea what I'm doing to fix this.
All right, let me try to call Baz again.
All right, I did that, and I'm going to try to add another call.
Let's see.
Invite.
It's supposed to come in here, and it doesn't.
Huh, well ain't this great
Well let me try to restart Skype
Just a moment please
Alright, well, you know, like I said
I don't answer to demands like that
I don't have the legal ramifications to know whether or not that's public information
Listen, I know you're using
You're using big words, but I command you to give me this right now
Or I'm going to hold you responsible
Responsible with whom?
What's your name?
My name's Jim and we're closed
So I mean, that's what I don't understand
I don't know who this is
What you're looking for, what information you're looking for
Listen, so I'm leaving here
here, and this is a Freedom of Information
Law request, and you are required to give
this to my client. That's right.
I cannot understand what you're saying, and I
cannot really understand or
grasp what you're saying, but I would
call for the owner. Listen, I fell down in the
parking lot, okay? I'm sorry.
I fell down in the parking lot earlier
today, after I was there, and I'm
holding you people responsible. I need to get
these papers of information for my lawsuit
against you. I've got my attorney on the line,
and this is all Freedom of Information
Act information. We don't even have a parking lot,
sir this is in my parking lot after after i ate there i fell down outside we don't have a parking
lot what's your name i'm running you down this in his dais what is your name i'm sorry man i
just doesn't sound like anything i need to deal with it's not something the owner needs to do
what's your social security number yeah i'm not giving you that what are the last four numbers
hey boy listen my social is all right you can try this again i don't want to know your social
I don't want to know your socials.
938.
Excuse me.
I'm going to grab a number here.
We're selling with a full-size mattress that has to be sold by Friday.
What do you think that means?
Foreclosure?
That's my guess.
Yeah.
Box spring.
Yeah, man.
Box spring and metal frame.
That's good.
Good quality, right?
Good wood.
Ask him 50 OBO.
I don't know what OBO is.
Ask him what OBO is.
Or Best Offer?
Yeah, it is.
I know.
No, I'm just saying, what is it?
What's Oboe?
I'll give you 50 Oboes for it.
I'll give you 50 Oboes.
That would be a great cryptocurrency, OBO, Oboe.
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
Yeah, 50 Oboe.
Better than Doge.
Dude, it's adding it back to the other fucking conference fucking shit.
Oh, it's ringing here.
Oh, bad ass.
No, which number did he call?
I don't know.
Well, something's ringing.
I don't know.
Fucker.
Two calls going at the same time.
I don't understand.
Let me...
Are you even there, Baz?
No.
I had a conference call that lasted 34 seconds, it says.
Shit.
Well, this is shit.
Oh, man.
Hang on.
Give me another second.
Let's listen to more reticent to answer.
It is, and I don't know what this is about, but I think this is something the owner needs
to deal with.
3-2-4-7-9-9-3-8.
I don't want to know your social security number, sir.
I just gave it to you.
Now you have to give me yours.
No, I don't have to give you my...
I don't have to give you anything, sir.
Did you...
I'm not required by law to give him a social security number.
No, I'm not required by law to give anyone my social security number over the phone.
You are, too, for a lawsuit you won.
Send a cop.
Send a cop down here.
Send a cop down here.
I'm telling you, this guy is complicit.
This guy is complicit.
He's being evasive.
He's not giving you the information required.
This guy needs to be on the lawsuit, too, sir.
Yes, he does.
Well, I don't understand.
You know, if I got someone telling me I need to do something over the phone,
and I don't have any paperwork to prove that I need to do this,
I'm not going to be part of a lawsuit.
I don't know who this is.
I had to add a contact.
Amazing Animals by Samantha, may I help you?
Yeah, this is the rock cat machines, huh?
I'm sorry, what?
Yeah, you got the rock cats, right?
The performing cats?
We have the rock cats.
Okay, how many males are in the group?
How many what?
How many males, male boy cats are in the group?
How many?
I'm still missing the one word.
How many what?
How many boy cats?
How many boy cats?
cats oh there's just two two boys yeah all right good i we have i have many female cats here okay
and i would like the rock cats to fuck like two or three of them you know put them together and
have them fuck each other so that they uh get some of the talent you know from the bloodline
hey yeah i wanted to fucking ejaculate inside the the girl cats that i have here the motherfuckers
I'm in New York, but I'll fly you out.
Or if you want to masturbate your cats and get semen, I'll pay you for that.
Oh, you know what?
Okay.
No, don't.
Don't stop.
Yeah, don't.
What she said.
He said.
Yeah, she said she was going to stop listening.
Okay, horse machine.
She hung up.
Okay.
Thank you, sir.
Yeah.
Unfortunately, Ubuntu, no worky like I wanted it to.
We're back in the same boat, Baz, with a machine that doesn't do very well with Skype.
I can't find a copy of Windows 7 anywhere that I can use.
I think I might even just have bad RAM in the laptop.
I don't have money to be buying another laptop.
It's a big mess right now.
So was it a Windows 8 laptop or what?
This was a Vista laptop that had Windows 7 on it.
Oh, okay.
I mean, it was a Vista-era laptop, I should say.
I never ran Vista on it, though.
I ran XP.
xp i downgraded it the minute i bought it to xp and when seven came out i put seven on it i skipped
vista or so it's old it's old you know what i mean okay let's continue with the show we'll make do
for today you know and if at worst case i mean if i have to i'll uh i'll have to take a long break
and then i can reboot the laptop it'll just take a while for me to set everything back up that would
take about 15 minutes maybe if i did it real fast you know i could always another option would be i
I could always host the conference if you want.
Yeah, you could.
You could.
And just tell me what you're dialing.
We could do that for today.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, you just paste the numbers in and tell me what to dial.
Well, let me keep trying.
Let me keep trying to see what happens.
See if I can get through.
If I can't power through, then we'll go some other route.
All right.
Here's someone with an Xbox and a PS2, and the games are $5 each.
I don't know if that means.
Well, it says leave message.
I don't think they're going to pick up.
i'm not even going to waste my time uh ford f-150 i think we already called that one we got a fish
and ski boat siege greet oh here we go microfiber couch baths and chair that's uh classy stuff right
there microfiber oh never mind because she has email only wow great great carlito so what's the
advantage of uh microfiber for furniture it's like soft but it's so cheap yeah okay it this is the
a whole thing where like if you run your hand against it one way it changes color you know the
other way goes another yeah all right here's someone looking for a two-bedroom low-level
apartment we'll do that instead thank you thank you they're looking for a two-bedroom low-level
apartment okay yep they live on low income and have a baby it says we
could use that as a bargaining chip.
Yeah.
Tell them it's a voyeur house or something.
But you're doing this.
You're doing this.
Oh.
Oh, come on.
I had an idea for this.
Please leave your message.
Damn it.
Damn it.
I was going to tell them we have a spare room in the bottom floor of the straight guy first-time house.
straight guy first time yeah all right i'm gonna try them again don't worry don't worry bass i'll
try them again nope damn it sorry buddy all right uh weather permitting someone is planning a huge
yard sale and then they continue to say that they're looking for free hay that makes no sense
okay so free hay what the hell does it have to do with the yard sale i don't know
he's got the whole thing tons of girls clothing and then also looking for free hay in all caps
Okay, cool.
Unless they have, like, a muddy, shitty lawn and they want to put some hay down first.
I guess.
That's gross, and I don't want to go to that.
Maybe, like, their septic tank overflowed and it's all over the fucking place.
All the shit.
That's what I'm going to say.
The shit.
All the shit and piss.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, but the person you called has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet.
Good for them.
there's a uh a horse and irc as a copy of win seven for you okay yeah and win eight i also see
that's much appreciated thank you uh i'll have to get with you in the chat room when i have a moment
here okay well here's a request a prank that came in at about three hours ago during the show you
were doing earlier about an angry as shit motel owner who's very picky about guests has made local
local news is for throwing out young people old people and non-white people and this is in north
dakota apparently shit oh wow yeah wow isn't yeah north dakota guys we'll try hey boy how you doing
oh i'm good i'm looking for probably uh probably gill no it's what oh what is this launch control
center yes oh wow that sounds intimidating i'm sorry yeah i've been trying to call uh
Uh, Prabhjeet Gill, he's a motel owner.
I have the wrong number?
You might have the wrong number.
Oh, okay.
I'm sorry.
Bye.
What do you control?
Yeah, what do you control?
At your center.
The Launch Control Center.
Launch Control Center?
Yeah, but...
Oh, holy crap.
What the fuck that was?
He said it was an ICBM Launch Control Center.
Alpha Launch Control Center, he said?
Oh, shit.
He said it was for ICBM, Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles.
Oh, shit.
Well, someone played a joke on old Carlito.
Well, that'll be the end of the show for a long time, probably.
Yeah, great.
Now we've got missiles flying and we're all going to die.
Well, that would be in North Dakota.
That wouldn't make sense.
Let's continue down the request to pray.
I don't know if it's a pecker and owes him money, this guy.
Horsedick says.
He's a dick.
Call him on your Monday show.
He will answer during the day.
Well, I didn't do a Monday show.
It's now Tuesday, but we can still do that.
Okay.
okay let's see who this is how does someone get a number for a launch control center anyway
how did you get that number that's scary man it's uh pranked yeah the number's out there
i assume they do yeah here we go i think he just straight thought you got the wrong number
no he was saying you got the wrong number that's why i played stupid i figured pretty quick when
he said alpha launch controls like uh-oh when you play stupid hey what's happening
hey is that adam you owe somebody some money this is david snozzwell i'm calling about the uh
the debt that you owe you owe my clients some money you haven't paid up i'm trying to reach
uh i'm trying to reach uh here i'm going to put you on the line with my uh right hand man mr uh
eddie cross oh yeah we're supposed to make first contact about some money you owe somebody
you know what we're talking about uh who are you trying to reach adam yeah i just got you what i
just got this phone and the number about three days ago okay oh you know that's a common uh
a common excuse we hear people trying to deflect the situation
by claiming that it's a new phone that they just got.
I don't buy it.
What's your authorization code, then?
Are you sure about that?
Because I have to contact my lawyer real quick,
and we can handle this real fast.
What's your authorization code?
What's your authorization code?
You're over here harassing me,
talking about I'm somebody that you're sending out that I'm not.
Oh, well, I object. I object.
Hey, we haven't said anything harassing.
We're just asking you about a debt.
I'm just stating a fact that we run into this situation a lot.
We get people that are trying to duck out of their obligations
by giving us all kinds of ridiculous scenarios and excuses.
And I'm giving you the opportunity to respond to that with some proof,
with, like, an authorization code.
There's nothing harassing about that.
Yeah, I can hear you.
You're, like, fapping in the background or something.
He uses his left hand.
Yeah, that's not me.
He's not one of them dirty Muslims like you.
Can you speak up a little bit?
I can't hear you.
You're so weird, man.
Are you there?
Come on, speak up.
You're going to need to talk.
I got your house number.
Don't worry about it.
I'll find you.
Okay.
Oh, okay.
All right, and you'll take care of that then?
Beach.
What's going to happen?
Motherfucker.
He's gone.
All right.
Whatever.
Okay, here's a guy who wants to be a pro soccer player.
His name is Fernando.
What you're saying, boy?
Oh, no, nothing.
Pro soccer player.
You should be your Silverman, baby.
You know, the turkey boys, the sports agent.
Yeah, Silverman, baby.
Who do you think got Jeter in the Yankees?
The person you have called is unavailable right now.
Please try again later.
That's what it says.
All right, let me call him back.
The person you have called is unavailable right now.
Please try again later.
Bye.
All right, that sounds like a 1960s educational video voice, doesn't it?
Yeah, it does.
Like something Disney would make, something you'd watch at Epcot.
Yeah.
When it first opened.
Hey, man.
So, we are continuing with some prank, pranky pranks.
browsing perusing the uh request to prank terminal here someone is a dirty carpet cleaner
haven't cleaned your sister's dirty carpet all right let's do it play this music while i do that
for a new character that i'm coming up with dirty carpet cleaner leave your message for
ending that call and i will recall them in just a second here see if they hopefully pick up the
next time let's see let's see let's see and work start call there we go oh it's way too much work
All right. Gave that up. Nunu is flashing. What does Nunu have to say?
Accused 24-hour fitness people of speeding on the exercise because it is in the school zone.
On the exercise bikes. I'm sorry. Okay.
Honey, treadmill could also be a speeder, you know.
Back to Request a Prank, where people are trying to get me in trouble with the federal government.
Someone lost a ring on Craigslist. Lost my wedding ring.
March 9th or 10th? Could have been found.
Could have been to the FBI or something.
Yeah, any part of Tumbleweed Park or Freestone Park.
It means a lot to this person.
This one is in Arizona, home of the Desert Machine.
Yeah.
Hey, let's go ahead and talk to my associate.
Hey, you lost a ring over there?
You speak up.
Stupid.
I think I found your ring.
I'm in Freestone Park and there's a ring.
Where'd you find it?
In the grass.
In what?
I'm in the park now.
Freestone Park.
When can you be here?
Well, if I can't stay here, I'm going to have to go.
I live far away.
I live in Los Angeles, actually.
I'm just visiting right now.
No.
What?
Where do you work at?
Maybe I can go down there and suck my dick.
Hello?
Here you go.
What's going on?
I said, you can come down here and I'll suck your dick and all that, you know?
No, I got the ring.
I got the ring.
What?
Come to the park, you know?
You come to the park, I'll suck your dick and I'll give you the ring back.
It's in the grass next to the sidewalk, you know?
Close to the part where you come in.
Close to the part you come in, motherfucker.
Baz, can you hear me?
Yeah, I can hear you.
You're an asshole, sir.
Hey, it's your cell phone like on friggin' top of the wall.
I can't fucking hear you.
Fuck you.
Can you hear me, sir?
I'm, uh, hello.
Yeah, we found the ring.
It's on the ground.
I'm his, uh, associate.
I associate with him.
And, uh, for cock sucking.
I hung up on an asshole chicken at the time.
It's four o'clock.
maybe have enough time to reboot the laptop for that i will have to play an extended break
do you hear like a normal person now do you hear me motherfucker do you hear me you asshole
well fuck you then damn it damn it i'm uh david my name's brown i told you it's david
snozzwell this is my associate brown this is brown yeah this is brown my name is brown
And, uh, we like, uh, we can get the ring, but it'll cost you a dick suck.
Oh, this guy's retarded.
Hey, I'm going to call you back in a few minutes, all right?
Asshole.
Hang on.
Fuck you.
Kiss my ass, motherfucker, you shithead.
Hey, puta.
Stupid.
Fuck you.
Marcon.
I hung up on him.
All right, I'm rebooting.
I can't take this, Baz.
I can't.
I'm rebooting into Windows.
I'll clash catch you on the flippy flip.
Don't go anywhere, all right?
And hang on to those numbers, and I'll need you to put them back.
in the chat okay all right all right so i'll take a break right now i'll be back as soon as
possible guys this could take up to like 10 minutes maybe i'm gonna try to hurry hit me
call me back yeah i'll call you back all right
hey how you doing today what up hey how'd you get my recipe for the eyes
Hello?
Yes, hey, hey, hey, it's Fat Albert.
Say that again?
How'd you get my recipe for ice?
That's my Fat Albert secret.
Sorry, I couldn't hear you when you said that.
What'd you say?
This is Fat Albert.
Yup.
And I regret to inform you I have to close the store.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Copyrights or something?
No, just because we're going out of business.
But we didn't do that good.
Oh, okay.
So we're closing down the Fat Albert's franchise.
Alright, thanks for the information, man.
So go ahead and put all the money in the register and the pillowcase and I'll be down there to get it.
Alright, just meet me like across the street or something.
Yeah, and I need a pastrami sandwich too.
Alright.
I need about four of them.
You want everything on it?
I need extra mayo.
Okay.
Mayo on the side.
Yup.
And mayo with ice in a 44-ounce cup.
Alright, yeah, we got all that.
Your total comes to $76.82.
Hey, hey, hey, I'll give you $52.28.
Alright.
Do we got a deal?
Uh, yeah, I think so.
Can you give me a strawberry blunt?
Yeah, it's gotta be in Canadian money, though.
What about Euro?
Uh, yen is better than that.
I eat all my Canadian money.
Oh, for real?
Yeah.
Alright, yeah, Euro's will work.
I got some mayonnaise and nacho cheese on it.
Oh, yeah, just throw that in there, and that'll be perfect.
I thought it was a salad.
How about I give you my recipe, the Fat Albert Salad?
All right.
You get some croutons.
Yeah.
Some ranch dressing.
All right.
Some cheddar cheese.
Uh-huh.
Some grape jelly.
Yeah.
$50 bills shredded up.
Can you use, like, one?
No, gotta be 50.
All right, well, that'll work then, yeah.
Okay.
And then some of that adobo.
All right, cool.
You guys got that adobo?
Yeah, I think so.
Yeah, you got to put that on my fat-ass salad.
All right, yeah, that'll work.
No lettuce on my salad, baby.
No, just spit these.
Do you have any bacon?
Yeah, we got bacon.
I just want the grease.
All right, yeah, that'll be cool.
Just pour it on my salad.
Yep.
All right, then.
I'll be down there.
All right, see you later.
All right, bye-bye.
I'm breaking my truck.
Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.
Yes, it's a long way to South Puerto Rican.
Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.
This is Jackie, the general manager.
I was getting ready to hang up and call back, sir, because I haven't been put on hold so much,
and I've been demanding to speak to the chef, the head chef in charge.
He's the person that takes the responsibility when it comes to steak and food.
I'm the general manager.
That's nice, honey.
Can I speak to the man in charge there in the kitchen, please?
I'm the general manager, so I manage the whole restaurant.
That's nice.
I will take full responsibility of everything.
That's nice, honey.
You just sit there and be pretty.
It's okay.
But go ahead and put Fernando on the phone again, please.
Sir, rudeness is not necessary at this point in time, and he doesn't deal with any kind of guest complaints.
I wouldn't be happy to do so.
Well, who cooked my steak, then? Who's in charge of cooking back there?
Because this is the person I need to speak with. We've got to get to the root of the problem.
Not dealing with red tape with women answering the phone. We're in man pants.
Sorry, I hear. But making derogatory comments about me because I'm a female is unnecessary.
Take off your man pants, woman.
What reservation are you on?
This is Valente, and I came with a party from Valente and Associates.
And for the fifth time, I've gotten the messed up order with this take.
I command you to apologize to me.
As a matter of fact, I want you to bring Fernando to the phone.
And I want him to say, I'm sorry, into the speakerphone.
Do you have speakerphone there, honey?
Do you know how to use it?
Wow, this is going well.
This is Ted's song.
I'm holding for the head chef man in charge.
Who am I speaking with?
This is the regional manager.
My name is Kim.
What's your name, sir?
That's nice, honey.
This is Valente.
I need to speak to the chef, please.
There's a gentleman there who I was working with before.
The chef passed your phone call along to me.
That's nice, honey.
Can I speak to your gentleman?
Could you not call me honey, please?
What's your name, sir?
This is Valente.
Valente is your first name?
That's right, sweetie.
Okay.
Please don't call me sweetie.
And what can I help you with tonight?
I'm a little upset that I've come in for the fifth time,
and the steak is coming out in an inappropriate state of being cooked incorrectly,
blood coming from the steak when it's been ordered medium well.
And listen, this is disgusting.
You know what it looks like to me?
I used to follow a strict diet regimen where you had to eat the food
and it's absolutely not supposed to be raw because it's,
I'm not going to mention it, but there's certain passages in the Bible.
I don't know if you have a Bible there.
I always have a Bible with me in my house, in my vehicle.
I even have a small Bible I bring with me sometimes when I know I'm going to be sitting waiting for to see the doctor
or to play the lottery in the gas station or something like that.
So what is this? What is your name?
My name is Kim Owens.
Okay, big Kim.
So my deal here, what I don't like is the fact that I was talking directly with a person who I feel needs to make these corrections
for when I come in and hopefully this will happen a sixth time.
And now all of a sudden I'm being talked to by women over there that are telling me that I can talk to them
them that are refusing to put me through to the person who messed up my steak i just want to have
a conversation with him because i want to teach him i want to teach fernando over there how it is
you're supposed to make the steak well fernando quite frankly was feeling rather disrespected
because you were yelling as as was the general manager and i happen to be in town this evening
so she passed your call along i happened i happened not to yell at anybody until i started
getting the run around from that lady i never rose my raise my voice to fernando and if you
saying that then someone is lying and i have a feeling it might be you making up stories right
now trying to dissuade me from the situation sweetie and i don't appreciate it sweetie okay
i don't appreciate this sweetie well you know it's true how many other generally what are your
regional manager your assistant to the regional manager no i'm the regional manager is there a
man above you somewhere that i can talk to that happens to be there my ceo is the man that's above
me well good the only person that's above me does he happen to be in there coincidentally
Lee? No, he's not here tonight.
Seems to me like I'm speaking to some random woman
who's working there who wants to impersonate
that she's wearing the man pants here and is
a regional manager. Right. The regional manager
just happens to be in on a Tuesday night.
Well, I happen to live in Las Vegas, so yes,
I happen to be here on a Tuesday night. Ridiculous. You
obviously do live in Las Vegas, and you're obviously
new money. I don't know what any of this means.
You don't know what new money is?
When you're ready to
tell me what the issues are,
speak to me in a respectful manner
that I'm speaking to you in,
then we can talk
so you can give me a call
anytime
that's nice honey
do you want to write down
my phone number
I don't know why
you'd want me to call you back
I'm a woman
well once you calm down
you can call me back
I'm very calm
you're the one
that's not calm
well pass this number
on to the man
in charge of things
over there
well I will give him
your information
but I'm not
I'm quite sure
that you're not going
to get a phone call
from him
then I'll call back in
where can I call him
where's he at
you can leave a message
for him here
no where's the
corporate headquarters
I'm with Valente and Associates, yes, and I happen to be a CEO myself of Valente and Associates in Oklahoma City.
And I don't have the habit of coming.
I come here once a month to handle business, and every time I come here and I get the most substandard steak
from a pair of immigrants or something that was going on here with these people that work here named Fernando and Gonzalez.
But now you're speaking offensively about race.
I'm Hispanic, sir.
I'm not going to put up with it.
Why don't you give me your phone number, and you can call me back whenever you calm down
and stop racial slurs and feminine slurs toward everyone on my team here.
I'm not going to tolerate it.
What is your phone number, Valente?
405.
No, wait a minute.
Yeah, 405-6.
That's a new number.
6-6.
Hello, Baz.
Hey, I'm here.
How do you hear me, sir?
How do you hear me, sir?
Oh, why?
why i'm in windows i'm in windows motherfucker hey baz i'm in windows motherfucker yeah yeah
he cut out for a minute there but uh sound good now oh yeah all right good see i would have made
it i had everything ready to go i would have made it in time um right after the break but
unfortunately i have to pee and i got to put those clothes in the dryer for my wife or i'm
in big fucking trouble so i'll have to play another prank call but i'll be right back
after this, Baz. You hang on, buddy.
Yay!
And listen, honey, you just sit there and be pretty
and make sure you get that message
out to the CEO
as you said, honey. Okay, sweetie?
Yeah, okay. Thank you, baby.
Bye-bye.
That's a firecracker right there.
Wow. That's the worst it's ever
gotten on the show with me and my
belittling women. She fell for
hook, line, and sinker.
Your old grandfather coming down.
Oh, dude. I hooked her.
Louder, louder, louder player
Louder, louder, louder player
Louder
Fingers in your asshole now, okay?
Big popper, big popper
Keep singing it, baby
Big popper, big popper
Louder when you come, big popper
Say, Biggie, Biggie, Biggie, can't you see?
Somehow your cock just hypnotized me.
And I just love your jazzy way.
See, sometimes your words just hypnotize me.
Your cock, baby.
Hypnotize.
I just like how your cock just hypnotize me.
Oh, yeah.
Hypnotize me.
That's just me.
I love the mix.
Baby, will you do me a favor?
While I'm fingering my girlfriend's asshole,
will you finger your asshole while you're singing?
Yeah,
No, that's on my dick.
I'll suck your dick, but you gotta finger your asshole while I'm eating my girl's ass, and then I'll give you...
Hey, maybe he's near us.
Hey, we're in Brooklyn.
Are you near Brooklyn?
Yeah.
We're in Williamsburg.
Do you want to come by?
Yeah.
What's your number?
Why don't you come by?
Hi, I'm on Bedford Avenue and North 7th Street, right by the train station.
If you come over there and then call me up, I'll come down and bring you into our apartment,
and we will ride you like the big motherfucker you are.
Because I want to suck that juicy cock, baby.
Do you know any Wu-Tang?
But when you call me, I'm going to spit it in your face.
What's up? You both got some big titties on?
My girl's got 38 double D's.
And I got the ass.
Your number?
You can give us your number.
We'll call you right back right now.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
Give us the digits, baby.
We'll call you right back.
303.
203.
383.
383.
36.
I'm here.
33, 36.
I'm ready.
How far away do you live?
A minute from here.
Oh, shit.
Get over here right now.
Wait, wait, hold on.
Can you pick up Burger King on your way?
At 1-888-278-509.
you know what i hope that when you die your gps in your box and a tour at the bottom so when you
die you open a tractor at the bottom you check the gps and you go straight down this radio is back
you are bigger than a woman better than a woman we'll always be behind you do not let a woman
well ever ever make you who you are yeah let's take them back girl confusing the
Daddy ain't around
probably out committing
Check out my melody
I wanna live good
Some shit I sell dope for
One of them dope dope stuff
Only if I pretend
Wake up the works
Warning motherfucker
Niggers stole my fuckin' bike
Yeah
I'm a little shy until my heart stops
And I have a big heart attack
And they put me in the ground forever and ever
And I'm only 42 years old
Yeah
Can't wait for that
So were you around?
Yeah, you were around
You were on that conference last night, right?
With Matt
Yeah, yeah
I took an ambience
I said, fuck it, let's see what happens
i vaguely remember saying she was shitting on me and i kept whenever whenever cool rob would
do a prank call i start going i was trying to piss him off but he wasn't reacting to it he's
like oh whatever whenever i tried to troll on me he's always like oh whatever man he knows i'm
doing it he's like ah fuck you pro leader that was funny yeah it was fun we actually stayed on
on for quite a bit cool man all right fine form last night all right well i'm uh focusing in here
on the city in the midwest all right let's get a little close and see what they have to offer down
by the river rail car services here we go rail car rail car machines i'll do about another hour
maybe, I guess. Yeah, I've got to
probably go about
45 minutes. Yeah, either that
or a black helicopter's going to land in a
parking lot here where I live and
take me a gunpoint.
I'm going to fly me to Norad
for questioning. And I can't
stop the music.
What I want, when I want, real serious.
Okay, moving right along. That didn't
work. Public utilities.
Nah. Carrier Corporation.
I have no idea what that is.
Some kind of network.
Millwork.
Ooh, millworking.
Here we go.
Nice.
Nice.
I think I'm going to be shooting a video, and I need nice, strong men to be in it for
a gay-themed music video for Lady Gaga.
I need millworkers for it.
Do you say millworkers?
Okay, millwork.
Yeah.
Do you have actual mill, lumber millworkers there right now?
Do we have?
Yeah.
Do they work there cutting the wood and all that stuff?
Yes, they do.
All right, cool.
I'm shooting a music video.
And we wanted to have a scene where the video's going on in the lumberyard, you know?
I don't know if they would be allowed to do that, though, or not.
I'd have to pitch it to a warehouse manager, okay?
Yeah, because we want the men to take their shirts off and everything.
We're like, yeah, we're pumped, yeah.
You know, and I do it for all the money, like that.
Hold on one moment, sir.
Okay, all right.
I do it for the money, Baz.
Yeah, you got it.
Hey, what's the number we were talking to before?
I'm not sure.
Sir, I would have to pitch it to our warehouse manager's voicemail.
He's not in the office right now?
No, no.
Pull him out of the office.
Pull him into the office now.
Thank you.
No.
Bitch, damn it.
I'm calling her.
Oh.
I'm calling her back.
No, I hung up because fuck it.
Okay.
I thought she hung up on you.
I hung up on her because she doesn't understand.
Stupid woman.
Your name okay, Milwark?
Where's the woman over there that messed up the phone?
What's that?
Where's the woman that messed up the phone?
God damn it.
You know, Carlito, I'm hearing myself repeated through your audio.
Oh.
Okay.
I'll work on that.
Good afternoon, McCray Millwork.
Hi, I need to speak to the woman, please.
Okay, who?
The woman that answers the phone.
Come on.
Did you remember her name?
I don't.
Never mind.
Okay, National Fiber Supply instead.
National Fiber.
Yeah.
I wonder what kind of fibers they're supplying.
Clothing fibers, shitting fibers.
What's that?
You know, odor, wheat bran.
Yeah.
Wheat germ.
Wheat germ.
It helps with the shit.
National Fiber.
Yeah, hey, what kind of...
Good morning.
Hello?
Hey, this is David Snozwell.
I'm calling about the fibers.
I need to get some.
I was wondering if you could help me out, please.
You need what kind of fiber?
Any kind of fiber that's going to help me be more regular.
You know, I've been having some difficulties, you know, constipation and hard impacted stools.
No, this is the fiber, fiber machine, right?
No, this is national fiber supply.
National Fibers that helps you with the shitting, you know, because I need help with my shitting.
Some days it's watery.
Other days it's hard.
Wrong number.
What should I do?
Oh, man.
Let me try.
Let me try.
Let me try.
Good afternoon, National Fiber.
Hey, how are you today?
Okay.
Good.
Let's make an order, please.
Do you like to place an order?
Yeah.
What kind of order?
For what?
One Fiber.
I'm sorry?
One Fibers.
Is that the name of the company?
No, I'm placing an order for One Fiber.
Well, I'm not sure what you're talking about.
I'm calling from United Fiber Machines.
United Fiber Machines.
Yeah.
Do you have a contact here or anything?
Some woman.
Well, I'm not sure who you need to call to.
Is it about machinery?
Yeah, well, I need to order.
Put me down for one fiber.
I don't know if you've got the right number.
Are you wanting national fiber?
Is there a man?
Is there a man?
We'll take a recycle.
Fucking shit.
Is there a man I can talk to?
I don't care for that language.
I'll see if I can help you, but I'm just trying to find out what you need.
Yeah, but is there a man, though?
I think that might help out to start out with, you know?
Just a moment, please.
Okay, honey baby.
Does it sound like I'm on the street?
Yeah.
I feel like one-fibers.
I like this effect.
It's like calling from a pay phone.
It's a small little effect.
It's my business phone.
Oh, where'd the music go?
Someone keeps calling.
Did we do a number editing in 671?
Can you scroll up in the old chat?
Can you tell me who that was?
Yeah, let me take a look.
I'll paste you the whole number so you can see it.
Yeah.
They've called back about three times.
I don't know if it's someone we talked to trying to call back.
Yeah, yeah.
It was like the second to the last call.
Second to last.
Okay.
Right before the reboot?
Yeah, I believe so.
What was going on right before the reboot?
I think it was that guy that owed a debt.
He said we were harassing him, and he was going to obtain our number and call his lawyer.
Oh, snap.
All right, we don't want to mess with that.
So he's obviously still angry about that.
Okay.
Did the echo stop?
Are you hearing yourself?
Yeah.
Good, good.
Yeah, sounds good now.
Oh, good, good, good.
I'm glad.
All right.
I just don't have good enough concentration to work through that.
Oh, my eyes get crossed when I have to do that.
That's why.
Just, you know, most of you don't know, but when we first started the show, the best we could do, like, it was us using a TeamSpeak server to talk together.
You've got to imagine this.
The co-host was Milkman.
He was on satellite DSL.
It was basically, like, it was a satellite link that was beamed to the top of a mountain, I think.
How was it?
It was, like, some kind of wireless DSL shit.
It was really bad.
in the virgin islands so his shit always sucked couldn't use skype because the upload bandwidth
wasn't good enough that he used to get back then yeah yeah but now things are pretty uh pretty
stable go back and listen to those old shows it's amazing how long it took in between calls
yeah because you can connect with your phone card or whatever and then go through all that
yeah yeah before i used skype it was all landline yeah it was always taking forever because it was
me actually dialing i remember when we first started i would have uh how do you how was it
how to explain like a cordless phone but i would program all the phone card numbers and the codes
in the phone as speed dial so i could just do speed dial one to dial it and when it asked for
the for my code i would just dial two speed dial two yeah yeah that's why it would take so long
and that's why i played so much music now i can i don't i barely get through music back then it was
a ton of music it was hard to get people to stay interested because if they didn't like your music
that you were playing and they were hearing mostly music kind of sucked at least now it's all nice
and quick copy paste such a blessing my god it's like hdtv compared to sd yeah yeah so do you have
any more numbers anything you got before i start hunting uh yeah yeah i got you want to call a
couple of indian restaurants in uh stoke-on-trent in the united kingdom okay yeah it sounds like
I think they might be saucy.
Yeah, there's the Kismet restaurant and the Bombay Club.
Kismet-ass.
All right, here we go.
Kismet, everybody.
Yeah, I'd like to...
We want a place in order to pick up.
I'm going to hand the phone over to my friend here.
Josh, no problem.
Hello.
Hello.
Yeah, hey, I'm an American.
We're American tourists.
We're here.
We're celebrating our honeymoon.
It's me and Baz.
We got married.
Yeah.
Yeah, we fuck a lot and shit.
Shit, we're doing a honeymoon shit, you know?
So, we wanted to get some Indian food.
I understand it's really good.
Right, yeah.
All right.
What can I do for you?
One tandoori chicken.
Sorry?
One tandoori chicken.
One tandoori chicken.
Is that the main course or the starter?
Yeah, that's part of it.
Whatever.
Just get that.
Two garlic lamb.
Garlic lamb.
Yeah, without the garlic chili.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Two garlic chili lamb.
Yeah.
One banchu.
One what, Tony?
Banshod
Sorry, can you say that again?
Banshod, are you Indian?
No, I'm Bangladeshi
You're Bangladeshi?
Okay
So, soup maranir fwa?
Raj, who is this?
Oh, this is Raj
You have soup maranir fwa?
Dur hala, dur hala, hala
Fucking asshole
You fucking mother
Hala, hala
Dur hala
I'll tell you what, mate
If you think you're fucking hard
Come say it to me face
You pussy
So don't come so hard to me, mate
If you think you're fucking hard
Come say it to me fucking face
You dirty fucking
Yeah, suck me fucking ass, you prick
Hey, hey, I want to come in
I knew those
I know those are the two Bangladeshi ones
That we do
He got really pissed
I'm going to have to learn those
Here, I'll apologize
Yeah, I'm sorry
I'd like to apologize for my husband
No, he's been
He's on medication
I don't want to give a flying fuck
It's not my fucking case
Yeah, and
I don't give a shit about no fucking apologies
I don't want no fucking apologies
I'm sorry
Shit all over the counter
You can hear his voice quivering
He's really emotional about it
He's pissed
Let me just try to apologize
No, damn
Oh, man
Okay, here's the other one you posted there.
The Bombay Club.
Oh, yeah.
We could complain about that guy.
Ask him if they know.
Yes, one papadum.
Hello?
One papadum.
One chicka-ticka-masala.
Hello?
I think he hung up.
I heard a click.
I decided to throw it at him.
That was rude of me.
How rude of me just to start barking order.
I should have pleasantries.
Hey, this is business.
Trying the first one again.
Yes, I'd like to make an order, please.
Sorry?
I'd like to make an order, please.
Yeah, what can I do for you?
Yeah, one chicken tikka masala.
You want chicken tikka masala, yeah?
Uh-huh.
One papadums.
Yeah, okay, yeah.
One bhenchod.
Fuck you, Wanker.
Your mother.
Mom.
Yeah, all right.
That's wrong again.
What's up?
Hey, buddy, how are you?
Sorry?
How are you, buddy?
What?
How's everything?
Who's calling?
Oh, this is Cross.
Ross, I wanted to kiss you on your lips and...
You motherfucker, put the phone down, you fucker.
I want to touch your hair, nice and soft hair, nice black hair.
Fucking wanker.
You have nice black hair.
Hey, this is all about love.
This is all about love.
We're spreading love around Stoke-on-Trent.
You're spreading love, I'll spread my fucking fist on your fucking throat.
I'm telling you now, you bring it one more time, I'll get the police, I'll trace your number,
But I'll fucking get you done for it
No don't do that
Take your medication
You're stuttering
Don't ring the fucking number again
You're stuttering
People trying to fucking do a job here
You prick
You're stuttering
Take your medication
I'll fucking give you some medication
You fucking jackass
I got some
Spread your cheeks
And I'll give you some
Your butt cheeks
Yeah come on then
Come for it then
Come front to me
You know the number
You know where we are
Fucking come down then
I'll come to you right now
You prick
Oh wow
Jesus
We're at the hotel
Are you dark skinned?
Yeah I know
I'll fucking burn you to pieces
You fucking
Silly ass piece of fucking shit
We're at the
the uh the modern showed hotel oh shit wow man all right uh save that number yeah i guess so
i got i had a voicemail from that number that keeps calling back but it's just uh
beep boop bop listen that's it that's it that's all you get from them yeah so they're interested
in talking maybe they're trying to hack the voicemail too it might be possible okay well
Well, moving right along, let's go forward to more prank calls on this Tuesday episode of Prank Call Machine.
Definitely saving that number for the Kismet, Kismet-ass restaurant.
I would like to call them a little later.
Yes, sir, you were saying?
Oh, you know, I've put a couple more there.
I don't know if you want to do a couple more boncho calls.
But I also have a number of a hotel in France.
It's not the gay guy, but it was the guy I called before.
he sounded like he was
maybe Middle Eastern
and he got really pissed off
when I was fucking around with him
he called me a game playing guy
I tried calling him
we can also call that Cope dude
that got really mad and was whistling
and yelling in the phone really loud
oh Mr. Cope yeah
Mr. Cope yeah
we tried calling him
we tried calling him on
I forget when it was in Conf
and he didn't get mad he just hung up
We even asked him to play his whistle.
Was it around the same time at night?
No, it was like late at night here.
Okay.
Here we go with a call.
Hopefully, trying to get the phone to ring.
Thank you for calling the Owens Corning Kansas City plant.
If you are a customer calling about a product or an order, please call 1-800-GET-PINK.
That's 1-800-438-742-
No.
Don't do that.
Why would he do that?
All right, let's call and talk to HR about Brad making a fart noise on the phone.
Arby is being disruptive.
If I'm uncertain.
I don't know.
Bill Parks.
After the tone, please record your message.
When you finish recording, hang up or press the pound key for more options.
Please enter your PIN.
Fuck Bill Parks.
Not answering the phone, motherfucker.
I should have tried to see if 0000 worked.
I bet you would.
Fuck, yeah.
Let me try to call back at the switchboard, huh?
Because that's bullshit right there.
Thank you for calling the Owens Corning Kansas City plant.
Zero is not valid.
Thank you for calling the Owens Corning Kansas City plant.
If you are a customer calling about a product or an order, please call 1-800-16.
Fuck you.
And there's four.
What do you think four was?
For environmental, press one.
For safety, press two.
Zero is not valid.
All right, safety.
We're in a safety.
Yeah, we have some issues.
Safety issues.
You've reached Nico Armstrong's office number.
I'm not in right now.
Fuck.
Fuck them, right?
They don't want to answer.
They can go to hell.
Next one down the line.
Let's call more Banchos.
that should always good yeah yeah hey brad hi i'm sorry don't make fart okay i won't this time i
just needed to get my revenge i know that you know i was thinking it was kind of rude to do that to
you but it was just kind of funny yeah it totally ruined my show like i had a good show and then you
ruined it no it didn't it was a bad show no no you everyone's been having good shows lately every
night that i've heard a show i have not been disappointed to be honest and last night was
was just weird and just listen i was just listening to matt and that girl and who's cool rob and then
me i listened to a lot of last night that was pretty fun that was cool crazy stuff yeah they
make a good i would not uh like to have eda's hangover today i'll tell you that i kept thinking
that too she's probably used to it if someone in the chat room said like anyone that can make
matt look like the straight man like the the sober guy sober yeah pretty bad i i don't want to say
I didn't think that would be possible.
Yeah, I know.
I was thinking it, too, but I didn't want to type it in chat, but I had thought that, too.
I just didn't want to be rude.
I love Maddie, but holy shit.
Yeah.
Hey, I don't know how you're doing for numbers, but I have a few more 24-Hour Fitness if you want them.
Sure, yeah.
I like messing with those guys.
Okay.
All right.
I'm going to be total bro guy.
Yeah, bro.
Yeah, you still got to get somebody to come in for the blood sample.
I'm going to do a blood test to see if they're perverted.
Yeah.
All right.
spice island real quick while you grab those bread thank you sure hey baby how are you i'm good are
you indian or where are you from okay i like to make an order what would you like uh yes one order
of chicken tikka masala yeah one order of garlic naan garlic naan yeah all right one bench hood
one bench hood bench hood is your sister fucking your sister one bench hood yeah i do fuck your
sister yes i think you like that don't you i love your sister can you bring her in front of me
your mom you're all of your mom yeah you guys might be brothers yeah now someone's calling
from back from a block number this is scary because remember uh brad someone gave me a
number to a icbm fucking launch yeah i heard that that's shitty that's bad it's very bad
stupid listeners i think we should ban all listeners that same guy was telling me hey
Hey, add me to your Skype.
Why you want me to make an order?
Hey, you want me to make an order?
Hello?
Yeah, I'd like to make an order.
Who would you like?
One sister.
Who would you like?
Sarah?
One sister.
Okay.
Anyway, that's not cool, right?
And the person was like, hey, add me on Skype.
I'd love to do a practice with you guys.
Yeah, right, right?
Yeah, right.
It reminds me of Crystal Palace.
Confidence is high.
Whatever that was.
Yeah.
Confidence is high.
Looking glass.
Yeah.
whatever crystal palace sounds cool too okay let me go back to skype here where the well you know
what let's give our friend a kismet ago a call again yeah he probably has just calmed down just
enough okay well let me continue then well i don't think anybody's gonna be getting take out there
for the rest of the evening nope hotel manoeuvre all right and this is the french one you were
talking about yeah so this guy he uh he said he couldn't give me a booking because he's just the
the night guy, night security.
So I started making up a confirmation number and reading it back,
and then I quoted myself a rate, and he started getting really, really pissed off.
Okay.
All right, here we go.
You want to talk to him?
Yeah, I'll put him on.
Yeah, how are you?
Good, how are you?
Good, I'd like to book a reservation.
Do you have availability this weekend?
For the weekend?
Yeah, Saturday night and Sunday night
I'm going to be in
Yeah, I'm going to be in Paris fucking my girl
My girlfriend
That's not the same guy either
Oh shit
Is that the same guy?
No
We'll try him again
Love that music, man
I love that music
Whoops
Oh, you know, when I called it was earlier in the day
So it was still the night security guy
Excuse me
Hey, buddy
Could you stop calling, please?
I'd like to make a reservation.
No, I don't have any reservations.
Fuck your mother.
No, you're not.
Brad, you tell him you'd like to make a reservation now.
Okay.
I think the music is awesome.
Hello?
Did he hang up?
Yeah, he did.
The music is the best part of it.
It's like a production.
Yeah, all those Paris hotels have music like that.
It's like they're spinning the record fast.
Hello?
Hello?
I don't want to hear his, you know what I mean?
Talking to his girlfriend with a very bad word.
Do you think I am here to hear that?
Hello, sir.
Can you hear me?
Dracaric?
Sir, hello?
And he's just calling the hotels.
Tomorrow, you have the pharmacies open right here.
Okay?
Okay.
All right.
Buenas noches.
What's that?
What the fuck was that about?
He said, buenos noches at the end.
Did you hear that?
yeah maybe he had someone in Spanish
what was the 480 number
were you connecting people together
yeah it was that person that keeps calling in
so I connected it
oh ok I was confused by that
yeah it was because it was playing the funky music
so I thought it would be funny if they were trying to call back
and then they got this weird French
fucking cabaret
sounding thing
not cabaret but you know
well moving right along
I pasted 6 24 hour fitnesses for you
alright let me do those
do some of those and might be wrapping it up rani gionico all right foreigner no answer before
hopefully i only tried them like late at night so hopefully they'll be there in the daytime
all right how you doing good this is cross i'm calling you were here oh yes oh yeah so we have
a complaint about you i wanted to call did you want to discuss this before we you know
No, actually, I was everything fine then.
So, yeah, I don't need that anymore anyway.
So, thank you for calling me back anyway.
All right, anyway.
Bye, have a good day.
Thank you.
Fuck you.
I don't want to bother her for some reason.
She doesn't need it anymore, she said.
Well, now I'm just remembering now I do have to get started on stuff early tonight.
I actually probably should go now.
I just realized the clock that I'm looking at
has not been adjusted for daylight savings time
so actually it's an hour later
it's really 5 o'clock
you just taped my numbers
I get the hint
thanks guys for being on with me
and we'll catch you in a moment
bye Carlito
if I don't start these meatballs
I'm going to be in trouble because they've got to be in the oven
for a while to cook through
I like to make the big kind
you know what I'm saying
And the big con.
Yeah, okay, anyway.
Well, I will talk to you guys later Thursday.
I hope to do the next Madhouse show.
We're excited about that.
Boy, how is it?

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