No Plasma TV for Hispanics

Okay, look, can you just stop calling us?

We tried to do a business here.

We don't have time for that kind of bullshit.

Go get a job or something, man.

You guys really need to stop doing this.

Yo, mama motherfucker.

Do you want me to call the cops on you?

Did he rock your tooth?

Oh my God, Jesus.

You fucking racist, perky-ass motherfucker.

I'm not playing no fucking games, man.

I, I fucked you, son of a bitch.

Take enough studies.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Alright. Hey everybody. Good evening. It's Thursday night. I'm Carlito. March the 13th. This is Madhouse Radio. With me at the present time is Big Jaiyat from the Full Larkin Show. How are you, Jaiyat?

Alright, Jaiyat. And also Big Polkja's here. Hey, Polkja. How are you?

I'm good. Hi.

i don't think you've ever been on the show before i don't think i have all right well

first time for everything dyad has a small amount uh i may have some other people on later

that's always good all right well let me uh take a look here see what we got as far as numbers are

concerned before i get to that i just want to remind you to go over to madhouse live.com

that is the place where you send in numbers to me thank you much appreciated chat room is there

Also, if you happen to be just listening and not doing any actual participation.

Where's this hissing noise coming from?

I have no idea.

Do you hear it?

Yeah, and you're kind of like low.

You're low, like I hear you low.

Yeah, it sounds like I'm at the ocean or something.

Yeah.

Now it's gone.

Okay, yeah, now it's better.

Do it.

Maybe it's St. Clair over there.

Jaiad, are you back yet?

You having problems with your mic?

Jaiad.

Anyway, am I still low or am I okay now?

You're good now.

Good.

Good, because if you hear me good, then the people I'm calling hear me good.

And that's important, because if not, they just hand the fuck up.

All right.

No Lonesome Loser yet in the chat room, but I'm sure we got plenty of requests to pranks.

As a matter of fact, I know, for a matter of fact, that we have a lot of requests to pranks.

But in the meantime, I've got San Diego in my scope.

I wonder what's open at this time.

There's a limousine service.

We could try that.

Fuck yeah.

I'm all about limousines.

You ever been in a limo there, Polkja?

Once.

For, like, some birthday party.

any courage oh wow yeah i thought you're gonna say prom no no i didn't go to prom

poor polka didn't go to prom maybe you'll go later maybe you'll meet an 18 year old and he'll

take you well you know what don't worry about it polka you know one day you go on a cruise and you

can get nice and dressed up for the cruise all right yeah and you pretend that's your prom i

went to two proms i went to mine and then i went my junior year and my senior year i went to prom

my girlfriend was a senior i was a junior so she can you guys hear me now hey buddy yeah yeah i

hear you what's up you had a mic mic machine problem machine i've been playing around with

the broadcasting and stuff so i've had a lot of settings all changed around okay i'd rather make

all my mistakes on your show than mine no problem no problem all right look there's i want to try

this little italy association i see here on google maps i don't think they're going to answer so let

Let me mark that as a star, gold star, put on that.

We're going to call a hostel instead that's a little bit down the road, and then we'll call that.

Damn it.

Hey, what's up?

Oh, yeah, Baz is here.

Also, Baz, what's up, bro, man?

Hey, what's up?

We're calling your favorite city in California.

All right.

Yeah, San Diego.

I don't know if it is.

I'm just making that shit up.

Actually, I've never been in there.

Well, there you go.

It could be my favorite.

That's fine.

All right.

Hostel time.

Where's my water?

What?

Where's my water?

This is cross.

Where's my fucking water, man?

Who is this?

This is cross, man.

Where's my water, man?

I need to drink my water, man.

I don't know who you are.

I need my fucking water.

I'm staying here.

I need my fucking water.

Damn it.

I had a Wendy's cup full of water.

Well, all right.

The thing is, I'm not really staying in a room.

Like, I'm not on...

Like, I kind of came in and I've been staying, but I haven't been paying or anything.

I didn't register.

All right, but I left a cup of water downstairs near the front desk, all right?

i put it i put on the floor all right next to the that desk you know what i mean hello who are you

this is cross this is cross i'm not i'm not staying there i've just been hanging out in

some of the rooms i come in and out all the time anyway listen man i brought him some water all

right i brought some fucking water it was in a wendy's cup came back and water was gone please

yeah yeah totally this is rk hostile machine right in little italy yeah yeah that's the one

Okay, we don't have anybody here doing that.

Did someone pick up my water?

That's what I'm asking you.

Did someone pick up the fucking water, asshole?

Do you understand?

That I had a cup of water there and I put it on the ground and someone threw it away?

You know what I'm trying to say?

Are you in the building right now?

Not now, no.

I left.

I was pissed off about the water.

Can you transfer me to room 12?

Okay, you're not staying here because we don't have a room 12.

1-12.

We don't have a room 12.

What room do you have then?

Our rooms go from 20 to 31.

All right, yeah, so let me get room 25.

I don't know what you're doing, dude.

I have it down here that we have to talk to room number 25.

I command you.

Well, you can command me all you want.

I just did.

Not that I can.

I said I did.

Look, dude, you're not staying here.

Motherfucker.

You called the wrong place.

We don't have a room 12.

Where's my fucking water, man?

And stop your shit, or I will have the police trace this number

and have you arrested for harassment, okay?

You got it?

Go to your fucking shit right now.

Go to the bathroom and smear it all over you.

Monkey-ass bastard.

First prank of the night.

It's always weak.

Baz, apologize for me.

Tell him.

But ask him about my water.

Okay.

He's messing around.

Good evening, RK Hostile.

Yeah, we're sorry.

I'm calling to apologize for my brother.

He just called, and I think he might have been a little irate.

Maybe he said a few bad words or something.

We'd like to apologize, but we do need the water.

Okay, first off, you are not even in this building.

Okay, you're not staying in this building because obviously, well, because obviously he said he needed to speak to people in room 12, and we don't have a room 12.

We're hiding in a crawl space.

Well, we don't have crawl spaces, dude, and I'm about to call the police and have you guys arrested, okay?

No, don't do that, sir.

Oh, come on.

Goddamn Italian police are coming after us.

Again.

We just want our water.

Jeez.

I know, right?

You want a tripod, Jim, out the water?

Hello?

Hi, where's my water?

I'm sorry?

My water, where is it?

We don't do water service.

No water.

Which room are you?

Well, I'm kind of staying here, like, on the DL.

Like, I didn't really, like, register or anything.

But I need my water.

You where?

Which room?

I didn't really, like, register or anything.

I'm just kind of staying here on the down low.

Where?

I'm just staying here on the down low.

What is down low?

Like, nobody knows.

Okay, and what do you want me to do?

So you're in my building unauthorizedly?

Yes, and I need my water.

Okay, so I'm going to call the police and they're going to find you

and then they're going to remove you if you stay here.

All because I want water?

That's kind of hard.

Because you said my property without any authorization.

You can't just go there and stay anywhere.

What do you mean down below the building, you mean?

Maybe.

Okay, look, can you just stop calling us?

We tried to do a business here.

We don't have time for that kind of bullshit.

shit i know but you're supposed to give me water i'm staying here you're staying here now you're

just not staying here yeah i'm staying here down below what do you mean down below which

what do you mean down below the building yeah we dug a crawl space

we dug one with a shovel yeah i mean where exactly well i don't want to tell you because

we're going to get in trouble yeah okay so where are you exactly on on where on the south left

where if i'm facing to the building where are you right or left you're gonna get mad

we're underneath i understand by when i'm facing to the building on the right or left you can't

get out when you're facing to mecca we're in the field that's what i'm gonna say if i'm facing to

the building where are you on the right or left or where are you it's a secret i don't know you

have to find us i'm kind of i'm uh i've been clinically diagnosed as an idiot so i don't know

right from left yeah i have to like reteach them everything like yeah it's pretty crazy okay

all right um they're saying that they can't hear the shoutcast yeah yeah i'm seeing that i think

there's a there was a reset of the settings oh shit hang on let me select the source oh that

means it wasn't being it wasn't archiving either oh for some reason it switched out the um

um motherfucker all right i can fix that though there we go ha now we have shoutcast now shoutcast

is working no wonder i was like why like the shoutcast number is down to like 65 that doesn't

make any sense and because there was silence broadcasting well sorry guys you missed a prank

and everything it's on the mixler so we recovered luckily recovered because it's recording on

mixler thank god if not if not the pranks that we've done so far would have disappeared

here i know all right cool all right now let's try that little italy association so this is little

italy then in san diego we're calling the little italy association to bypass this message please

hit the pound sign i heard that i heard you call the um the the rock cats the other day

yeah yeah i just called i just called them uh monday right yeah what did i say what number

but they won't answer it what's that oh i wanted to breed the cats right i wanted to breed them

with one of mine yeah except it was a little more vulgar than that yeah i guess yeah i wanted

you didn't use the term breed yeah yeah well yeah i know i was saying like i want them to

fuck my cat yeah that adds asked if she could just masturbate the cat i know that's what she

she hung up quite upset wasn't that long the one but i thought that was funny because i found the

rock cats a couple weeks ago but they don't answer at night on friday yeah all right here's the

italian bed and breakfast i'm just gonna ask if they know anyone who works in sanitation

they need some help it's gonna be like so blatant sorry due to telephone company facility trouble

your call cannot be completed at this time oh my god what problem at facilities no never heard

that one before no sounded like a made-up lie i've never heard something like that sounds like

the 80s sorry due to telephone company facility that used to happen you know when that used to

happen whenever like a hurricane would go through puerto rico and we would try to call

all to see if everyone was okay i remember when i lived in florida when i was a kid we would get

messages like that maybe san diego just got hit by the big one all right a little little italy

tobacco isn't san diego like right up on mexico isn't it the last stop pretty much going south

yeah well for california and what's on the other side tijuana yeah tijuana yeah fucking hill hole

yeah tobacco right yeah you got nice cigars there yeah hey listen i got it i got some red

some uh some uh cojiba cigars that i got when i was on vacation you know i was you maybe want to

buy yeah i have it well you i got it yeah but you maybe want to buy some cuban cigars that i got

cheap cuban cuban cigars cuban cigar no i'm sorry man no i'll sell for you i'll give them to you

now sorry man all right listen how about this do you know anyone who's connected am i buying

excuse me any cigar cuban no i haven't listen paisano paisan listen do you know anyone who's

connected who would buy them from me i'm sorry man come on you guys you're the cigar guy right

you got some connected people there i know you do you're the cigar guy in little italy you're

telling me there aren't some connected guys that go in there to buy cigars yeah that's what i'm

I know there's some Don Colio motherfuckers going in there, all right?

And one of the motherfuckers will buy these Cuban cigars off of me.

Those gangsters like that shit, man.

They want to flaunt it.

They're like, I smoke Cuban cigar, I don't care.

Or some politicians, maybe?

Huh?

No, I have the cigar.

I have Cuban for you.

I mean, I want it.

Man, that's hell.

That's hell.

Man, that's hell.

More Dominican cigar.

Motherfucker.

Motherfucker, you.

he didn't sound italian maybe he was you guys know yeah he didn't really

that's the only curse i know in italian

zolar knows that shit though let me get zolar in here see if he wants to do some pranks

dialer says he would join us tonight but he's fixing cars in the cold tonight

oh dialer works with his hands wow another guy showing brad that they can uh work with

with their hands, and he can't.

Zayed, you don't work with your hands, right?

No, I used to. Now I'm a lazy

cubicle body.

Typing doesn't count. Nope.

Alright, here's something called

Little Italy Spaghetti.

That reminds me, this song reminds me, I wanted to

call India tonight. So if anyone out there

is getting us numbers,

you can help out by helping me get some shit in India.

That's something I never do.

I never call outside the United States.

Oh, no? Zolar's here. Hey, Zolar.

Hey, everybody.

buddy why don't you call outside the united states cost money he can't he doesn't want to

spend the money it's not too expensive zolar hello so you know how to curse in italian right

thank you for calling little italy now hosting live entertainment to make a reservation please

wait on the line to make a banquet reservation please press one yeah uh suka stugats it means

lick my nuts yeah stugats i need that one too you got butana means like whore i'll let you say to

them before it was fugale to butana that's all i knew regular had one about your mouth is better

than your hand something like you forget what it was or something real yeah and of course uh

fangu is like fuck you uh fangu bafangu all right fuck that place waterfront bar and grill

so if you get somebody italian say

all right let me you know what i'm gonna see if this cigar guy was you try that zoa can you say

say that because it sounds legit coming from you i'm trying to see if this guy's italian i don't

know if he's italian or packy all right let's see if i can get him to talk a little bit yeah let's

see and then we can see a band shot see if he's in there yeah you're good hey

he must he must have thought it was like the same people calling yeah either that or he's indian i

don't know um do you think there are really any uh real italian people left in little italy in

Most of these places

Isn't there a lot of

Gentrification going on

And stuff

Yeah

There's still a couple

On the whole thing

Yeah

The one in New York

There's a lot of Asians

Now right

Causing tension

Tense situation

Let's see what

Lonesome Loser has for us

And bring that over here

Lonesome Loser rules

There's a liquor store

In Compton

Alright

Zolar do a liquor store

In Compton

So real quick

Zolar

So you don't do

You don't ever do

International

You just never

Yeah hardly ever

i mean like i only have my skype for uh in america and then sometimes i have like um somebody on like

macker and he has a outside skype and he calls like new zealand and shit but that's it okay

all right yeah because we call new zealand australia britain anywhere that speaks english

there's a lot of places you should look into it we've been having a lot of fun in the pacific

region lately anyway jai do you know what's been going on with that plane the last i heard they

they said that uh it flew for up to four hours after yeah yeah i've seen that usually usually

Usually I don't like, you know, like, I'm like, well, the plane crashed in the ocean

and then conspiracy theorists just go ape shit.

Yeah, now.

But now it's like, okay, so if it flown, I mean, the point the news was making was pretty

valid, which was, well, either somebody took the plane over and flew it, maybe ended up

crashing it, or like a pilot, kind of suicide pilot.

Yeah.

He just shut everything off because he shot one thing off or somebody shot one thing off

like an hour later, shut the other thing off.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

That's what's weird.

Well, that's what the news was saying.

Who knows the truth of it?

The speculation is that it could have been taken over remotely.

I think that's a stretch.

You know what I think it is, honestly?

Who was the golfer?

Peyton Stewart?

Is that the dude that was on a plane?

He was on a small jet plane, like a corporate jet kind of thing.

I want to say it was like 98 or 99.

and they they lost cabin pressure like instantly i think something was they got hit by something

no i don't think they ever really knew uh but there was an instant loss of cabin pressure

within seconds pilot everyone passed out yeah and but the plane kept flying and i remember it was

it was live on cnn i was watching i was at work and i went to the break room to see it like the

plane was just flying on autopilot and it finally crashed and i remember they were saying they were

tailing it they had fighter jets tailing it to shoot it down if it crossed into like a really

highly populated area because it will probably you know run out of fuel and crash but it did

on its own anyway but my guess i mean there probably was something that caused the loss

of cabin pressure plane wide right really quickly which is kind of odd and rare um because i mean

a boeing 777 it's uh or was it was it a 57 or 77 i forget now um i don't remember um but they're

Of course, they're outfitted with oxygen masks, you know, for depressurization.

At least the pilots are going to be able to get to it really quick.

You know, they're trained, like, you know, there's a pressure loss.

They know exactly where to go, you know.

And for a large aircraft like that, for it to have lost that much pressure that quickly that it just ended up flying for four hours, this is really weird, right?

Yeah, yeah.

There might be some answers, but it's great fodder for, you know, Alex Jones types.

Yeah, it is.

Okay, the latest on CNN is that the Malaysian authorities now believe they have several pings from the airliner's service data system transmitted after the last transponder signal in the Indian Ocean.

I think it's in the Indian Ocean.

Really?

Ah, okay.

And that's way far, much farther than where they were looking.

Yeah, well, they were saying, they were showing, like, the radius that it flew for four hours.

Like, you know, how far it could be in any direction.

Yeah.

yeah because like they were they were there's some kind of satellites that ping planes but they don't

you know triangulate them to know where they're at so you know what's unbelievable is is sit back

very confidently these days behind your computers and you think that everything is like you know uh

accounted for and with this closed circuit tv and everything is you know tight you can't get

away with shit and then a fucking bunch of people 239 people go missing in an airplane it's amazing

Yeah, the same conspiracy theorists that will talk about this also will tell you that, you know, the government can see anything and knows everything, you know what I mean, with no percent.

Oh, they know, you can read a license plate up front, you know, from...

There's a group of conspiracy theorists out there who believe there's an intergalactic war going on, and that we're like aliens who live in the oceans.

Wow, I haven't heard of that one.

Yeah, it's pretty intense, and it was kind of...

yeah go ahead i'm sorry if you sit and you listen to like these people you think they're nuts and

then all of a sudden something like this happens and then they're gonna go see we told you they

got took down by the aliens in the ocean because they already claim like there's been millions of

human deaths from this war that's going on with the government secretly and it's like seriously

wow yeah but in the same vein if you were to look at how many people have cameras in their

their hands right now via the telephone and stuff like that we have so much footage of alien

at this point it would be undisputable so being at the lack of that i doubt that that kind of

activity is going yeah you know you know what's been you know what's been uh this was some stat

that i heard on the radio a while ago but you know what's been down since 1989 like 1989 was

the peak of it and it's way way down like over 100 down or something like that my cocaine usage

that too no um the uh uh reports of people seeing ghosts and ufos

and that's because the whole camera thing oh irrefutable yeah you know you capture some oh

okay well we can kind of explain what that was yeah yeah i could see that plus but then why

but then then then the question is why did they start all of a sudden so quickly

basically you know during world war ii you know what i mean like well i guess you could i mean

with the advent of that a lot of technology at that point yeah yeah i guess no don't get me wrong

i don't dispute the fact of alien life being a possibility and has it ever been visited the earth

i think it's possible as well you know what i mean but i doubt the uh the activity that they

claim to be going on is going on with an intergalactic war and bullshit like that yeah

Yeah, but I definitely do not dispute for a second that we are the only people that are in this universe.

No, that would be foolish.

And we know damn well if we were capable, we would go explore other lands.

Of course, because we're afraid we're going to fuck this one up and we want to have a refuge.

That's why.

Is this a prank call show or a CNN knockoff?

Yeah, whatever.

That's what happens on my show all the time.

Spray in the chat room also says he likes the music.

but i was going to ask you callito or anybody else on the call is that music loud to you guys

no it's coming in at home the music i'm playing i i start it and stop it all the time oh there

you go you yeah you got me sitting over here clicking buttons and trying to no no no the

music starts and stops your dramatic effect on my end i do it all the time as we're talking yeah

i was wondering if it was loud to the other skype callers because it comes over like everybody's

his voice i could hardly does it okay i did turn it down zolar it was a little loud that's it sorry

go on that's so much for me okay all right listen let's do some pranks because we're gonna piss off

the people you know how they get we want to be pranks back to the people yeah i covered for

and chat i posted this is prank show not gay plane crash show gay prank yeah

Yeah, over 200 people today.

That's good.

New news, man.

New fucking products.

I'm in chat right now, so that's a covering for him.

Oh, good, you're covering for him.

All right, look, Compton.

Scotty's Liquor, I was going to call this like 30 minutes ago.

We started talking about the blame.

It was my fault.

I asked Jaya to brought it.

Zohar, talk to the liquor store.

Liquor store.

All right.

Anita.

Anita Lincoln.

Okay, okay.

they picked

up they didn't answer no i'll try them again i got another one come on ring nope busy all right

fine no problem all right try it again different liquor store same place oh hello hey how you

you doing baby my name is anita the dog lived down the block i need a licking i was in there

i was in there earlier today dear and i seem to have left something in the paper bag did anybody

report finding my thing no well are you the same fella that was working in there about three hours

is the gold, dear?

Yeah, that's me.

Did you find my uterus, son?

No, I didn't.

I need my uterus.

I had a hysterectomy

and they gave it to me

as a paper bag, dear.

There's a big echo going on,

but he hung up.

Yeah.

He must have been smart

to know what a uterus

and a hysterectomy was.

No, I don't think so.

I don't think he knew

what either were.

Do you think he just thought

the voice was weird?

Yeah.

So he wasn't believing the voice?

Well, who knows?

he's a foreigner they get scared yeah he was just being a dick he probably just gets

deals with dicks constantly i was being as like nice as possible i called him deer like five times

yeah you're babies are used to people being nice was he uh did he sound korean to you because you

know they don't like the black people in compton that's what i heard i don't know he didn't sound

i was getting i was getting a west indie vibe but whatever yeah exactly so uh this

This is Eddie's Market.

I don't know what the market is, but it's in the LBC.

Let me see if I can pull off Anita's voice.

I got to knock your car.

My name is Eddie.

How you doing, dear?

My name is Anita.

I come down to your establishment more than twice a week,

and I was in there about three hours ago.

You in there at that time, dear?

I believe so.

Do you have any cameras?

Because I was physically assaulted, dear.

You know what I mean?

Which one did you go to?

I was in your establishment, dear.

I just got finished telling you that I've been going there for many years now,

and I come in there two times or more a week.

Yeah, but there's a lot of Eddie's.

What is it you don't get, dear?

I said my name is Anita.

I live in the area.

They call me Old Miss Lakin.

Okay, so everybody knows me.

No, I don't know you.

You being that Mexican dude, aren't you?

Huh?

I said you're that Mexican fellow, aren't you, dear?

No, I'm not.

What you looking at?

Tell me about you.

Nobody likes Anita, man.

No, I'm not.

I'll put a sign up there.

I don't know why I never thought of going to a random name generator.

That was great for prank calls.

He ain't answering now.

Bastard.

What, you doing your taxes over there?

Who is that and why?

Nah, I was flipping through my notebook.

You're doing your taxes.

And I realized I wasn't muted.

It's all right.

It sounds like you're doing your taxes or your homework.

I'm grading papers over here.

all right this is a bird king hey boy how you doing what's going on man oh that's good hey

listen uh i got uh one of those shakes you know it was really separated and it looked like it

tasted kind of like oniony you know okay what was this motherfucker what was this this is today

earlier today in my lunch break i'm real pissed off i got home i just got home from fucking work

right now motherfucker i'm ready i'm ready to handle this motherfucker well you know where we

work what what all right you know where you know where for me to go to beat you up okay see you

here yeah i'm gonna smack you okay smack you motherfucker yeah i'm bringing i got lots of

friends i got zolar he's like fucking italian and shit oh that's what's up i'll see you guys here

and i got a chicken named baz yeah and jayad jayad's a teacher cocksucker and he's grading

I'm writing papers tonight.

All right.

I'll be here.

He's going to write you up.

He's got his papers out.

You get enough.

Oh, that's what's up.

Yeah, we're also going to bring Dwight, and he's going to bring me up.

That's why you work where you work.

Yeah, and Polk's just going to suck your dick and everything.

All right, guys.

See you guys later.

Yeah.

Hey, don't hang up.

All right.

Bye-bye, guys.

Don't hang up.

Please don't hang up.

Yes.

Stupid Mayan that tried to save it because it wasn't really going anywhere.

But hey, where is my mouse?

Here we are.

Okay.

Okay, my feelings on the show so far, moving, progressing, not 100% yet.

I'm not happy.

More room for improvement.

All right, call one.

What do you got?

Subway restaurant in Compton.

Would anybody like to call that?

I'll take it.

All right.

I like to flip through my book for inspiration.

You get to stack notes your way down all day?

Oh, no, just fucking notes from all my shows in one day.

That's cool.

I just flip through it.

I don't do a lot of notes anymore, but I like to have a hand.

This name generator is awesome.

awesome yeah isn't it good afternoon thank you for calling so you know can i help you

hey hey this is mark carmen famous actor mark carmen i think i'm gonna help you yeah what is

your name it's fucking say it again fucking fucking yeah my name is your name is walking

it's j-o-a-q-u-i-n so it's fucking okay jocking is that what you said it's like walking like

if you're trying to say walking oh but with a j so it's drugging okay okay well that's interesting

because, see, my psychic had told me that I should call this number.

I didn't even know, what is this place?

This is Subway.

Oh, wow, really?

See, do you know who I am, Mark Harmon?

I was in, like, License to Drive or something back in the 80s.

No, I did not. I'm sorry.

Oh, and now I do, like, shows on, like, you know, like those cop shows,

like SVU units and stuff.

So I'm pretty famous. I know Ice-T.

So anyways, I was talking to my psychic earlier.

I have a psychic that I deal with regularly, and they told me if I called this number, great fortune will be brought upon me.

Well, that's good, I guess.

At first, I mean, what is your name again? How do you say it? Fucking?

Joaquin.

Yes.

Oh, like Joaquin Phoenix.

That is correct.

Oh, okay. I get it now.

So what my psychic was trying to tell me is that if I'm lucky, maybe you'd lay in bed with me?

I'm sorry, I don't do that.

I'm pretty sure you do, I can tell by the sound of your voice

Plus, I'm Mark fucking Harmon

It doesn't get any better than me

Oh, I'm sorry, but no

No, I'm sorry

Well, we can talk about Ice-T, why you juggle on my balls

I swear to God, I heard him say fucking also

He did

It took me like three times to realize what he was saying

And then I was like, okay, I'm going to keep playing with this joke

But yeah, I said fucking

Are you serious?

I swear to God, I heard it every time he said it until, like, I read someone in the chatroom say Joaquin.

I was like, oh, okay.

All right.

Here, why don't you call him back?

I can be the psychic.

Okay.

You do have a psychic kind of vibe to your voice.

Sucking.

Good afternoon.

Thank you for calling.

It's so great.

How can I help you?

Hey, Joaquin.

This is Joaquin.

Yeah, how are you?

I didn't want you to think I'm some kind of weirdo, so I wanted to prove it to you.

I got my psychic on the line, too.

Psychic Baz?

Yeah, hello.

Yeah, this is Baz.

My last name is Sucking, and I am Mr. Harmon's...

Sir, I am Mr. Harmon's psychic, and I have seen some visions.

Dick.

Too bad.

Yeah, what a dick.

All right, next subway.

Well, I got like three of them.

Who knew?

Three subways in Compton.

Them dudes, they have their sandwiches.

Oh, I hear that Compton really isn't that bad.

Like, I mean, there's bad areas to it, but it isn't like all of Compton is...

I've seen Boys in the Hood.

That shit's fucked up.

I don't know. I think that's...

We'll send Zola their investigative report.

Good afternoon. Think of a calling subway. How may I help you?

Yeah, hi. I was in your establishment earlier, and we're working with the local news department.

We found your staff to be quite pleasant out of all the subways in the area of Los Angeles.

We found yours to be best as far as staff rating goes. How do you feel about that?

If you need to talk about anything, you would have to call in the morning to talk to the general manager.

All right, but what you don't understand is we just had a staff member go in there now

and give you your rating, and it was the people who are on duty right now

who have come to this epiphany that you're the best subway in all of Los Angeles.

Well, thank you.

All right, well, we'd like to come in there and give you guys an award on camera,

so can you tell the dirty guy to, you know, just spiff up a little bit in the bathroom,

the one with the, you know, crazy hair?

We actually don't have any cameras in the facility.

Yeah, that's okay. We have all, you know, like, lipstick cameras and hidden point-of-view glasses.

Nobody will know there's a camera on.

That does not matter. This is a private-owned business, so you're not allowed to have any cameras in the store.

You're that dirty person, aren't you?

I do not know what you're talking about.

All right, well, there's one individual that's working there that doesn't fit the real crew

because the whole crew is very nicely kemped, well-mannered, and the one person might be you, I guess.

It looked like they just had sex in the back room.

Okay, that's ridiculous. No.

Because there's nobody here. I'm sorry.

Well, we're coming in with the camera crew,

and we'd like to give you the award for the well-managed subway this week.

You can come by tomorrow and talk to the chairman about that.

We're actually outside in the news van.

If you'd come to the door, we'd like to be greeted at the door by you.

Maybe you could hold the door open.

That's not going to happen.

All right, listen, you seem to be a reluctant faggot.

Are you sucking dick there tonight?

Aw, man.

I'll try.

I'll take another one if you got one.

Is this the same one?

Yeah.

Okay, somebody else take it.

All right, I got it.

Yes, the district manager authorized the camera.

Lipstick camera.

I told you you'd be attracted by the lipstick because you sounded a little queer.

Should have been, like, it's a nice ruby red.

I actually met my dog's penis.

this what's happening cws how are you bro yeah uh here's the other subway you wanted that giant

yeah i'll take it we're gonna go soon all right here you go buddy big dwight's here phone's busy

uh look a fourth one who knew this was on rose crayons this is like the heart of it dude

rose crayons awesome it's like the major stream made the big drag through compton awesome i

I believe.

This is Compton, right?

Yep, Compton.

Compton, Compton.

It's true.

I have to go.

Busy, too?

Just chilling with my boy Carlito there, Dozer.

Have they copied the right one?

Let's see.

What's that in?

Does that end in a 363?

Is that right?

Yes.

Is that possible?

Try it again.

Maybe.

I don't know.

Hi, how's it going?

This is Ryan, Token TV producer.

How are you doing tonight?

I'm good.

Okay.

I just wanted to give you a quick heads up.

We're actually shooting a very popular show

You might know of it

Kardashians, you know who they are?

Yes

Okay, we're actually shooting an episode

We're heading that way

So we're going to go ahead

We're going to come on in there

There's going to be a couple of camera crew guys following around

There's no big deal

They're just trying to shoot

Showing that they're normal, ordinary people

And can fit into minority areas just fine

So we're going to be in there in a few minutes

So why don't you go ahead and clean up

Maybe do up your hair

And we'll be in there, okay?

Okay

Okay, now here's the thing.

We want it to be really unique and different because, you know, we do bits for the show kind of thing.

So what I'm thinking is, you know, if we send our crew in first, could you guys go ahead and put on these little Hitler mustaches while they make their sandwiches?

You know, we'll just take them, we'll glue them to the top of your lips, and, you know, and you can go,

And then what we'll do is we'll just go ahead and we'll have the Kardashians order like normal, and you guys just act like...

What the fuck?

Why would you hang up?

Call that bitch back.

Yeah, I know.

What was wrong with that call?

There's the Kardashians.

I'm sure he heard that.

He's like, oh, fuck the Kardashians.

Thank you, of course.

How can I help you?

Listen, I don't want any nappy wigs and I don't want any nappy weaves down there when the camera crew gets there, okay?

Okay.

All right, I'm going to put Jai at Mr. What's his name?

Ryan Token.

Yeah, Ryan Token.

How's it going?

I'm Ryan Token, the producer.

We're coming in there with the Kardashians in about 15 minutes.

We're going to be shooting a little bit there.

Basically, we're going to come in.

The Kardashians are going to order a sandwich.

You guys are going to make them a sandwich.

It's just going to be like normal.

We're just trying to show in this shot that the Kardashians are normal people, all right?

Yeah.

Okay, but here's the stickler to it because we like to make little bits.

We're going to go ahead, and we're going to take some Hitler mustaches.

We've got these little mustaches we cut down.

We're going to go ahead, and we're going to glue them to the top of all the employees' lips,

and then you guys wear them and then yell out German words while you make their sandwich.

and and say it just when how about when they order a sandwich you go i'm just a finally notice you

just go ahead and you scream it like that and we'll just go ahead and you know the kardashians

will just order a sandwich and uh we'll get out of your hair in about 15 minutes how's that sound

all right okay so you're gonna wear the hitler mustache and go ahead and uh just scream about

taking orders okay all right and then um you know what why don't why don't you guys it's uh hey i

I got a Jewish boom mic guy here.

When I throw him in the back and you guys go ahead and put a little ass kick into him,

you know, maybe fucking hit him with some gas, you know,

just, you know, show him who's boss, German style.

Is that something you guys can do?

Uh-huh.

Okay, do you understand what I'm saying?

Or, you know, do you just say yes because you got penises in your vagina?

Yes.

Uh-huh, yes, yes.

So at this point, I could just go ahead and say,

fuck you and you are stupid and your mom is some kind of a whore

and you're going to say yes, correct?

yes ah yes so you're stupid yes yes yes yes okay okay yes and you got a sense of humor and

you're stupid so we're gonna go ahead and we're gonna bring the kardashians in there

um oh one thing no blacks any blacks that are in there you got to kick them right out and if

any employees that are black just throw them in the meat freezer for 15 minutes they'll be all

right all right okay okay what nationality are you i'm from uh what no no that's not a fucking

multiple choice question, buddy.

What kind of nationality are you?

I'm Hispanic.

Oh, Hispanic.

I'm sorry.

No, no, no Hispanics.

I'm sorry.

You're going to have to go sit in the meat freezer.

Can you go into the meat freezer and just sit for a little bit?

We'll let you know when we're out.

Okay.

All right, you fucker.

Ryan, I think we're going to have to physically explain.

You have yourself a sandwich.

You put some jalapenos on there, you know?

It'll feel just like home.

Monterey Jack, the Monterey Jack cheese.

Can you just go out front and beg for some change?

He's gone.

Okay.

I think he is.

He sounded like he was gone.

He's gone to me.

All right, there you go.

I've never been to Compton, but I've been to one city east of there.

My wife had a cousin that lived there.

It was a real dump.

All right, I'm going to call it a night.

I will be on tomorrow at 10, though.

All right, yes, everyone listen to Jaya tomorrow.

Is Zolar the guy who's – there's kind of these bits that you have that play sometimes

Sometimes where I think it's you and Zolar going back and forth like a radio show.

Yeah, yeah.

That's okay.

That's why your voice sounded so familiar.

I never knew who the other person was.

Yeah, it's Zolar.

Yeah, Zolar has his own prank show.

I've heard of it.

We started our show within a week of each other back in 2005.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

No, I've definitely heard of you.

I just didn't know that's who it was.

Oh, yes.

That is Zolar.

Yes.

Cool.

All right.

It is I.

All right, guys.

Thanks for having me on.

Bye.

Bye, John.

Bye.

All right.

There goes Jaya down the street.

He's going to get in his car and drive away.

Lonesome loser sending in more numbers.

Speaking of a guy who's been helping me out since my first show.

What a guy.

TGI Fridays in Compton.

Why would there be a TGI Fridays in Compton?

You see, I'm telling you it's not as bad as they say.

I'm going to look into real estate there.

I don't think TGI Fridays is a very good restaurant either.

That's too loud.

Fuck.

Hey, what's up, TGI Fridays in Compton.

I'm in the back happy hour in town.

This is Devante.

I'm going to assist you.

Yeah, you guys need to turn down that.

music man are you already sitting in here yeah you gotta turn down that music man i'm in the

bathroom it's so loud i had to come in the bathroom you guys really need to turn down the

fucking music bro okay this auto manager right now okay i mean it's really can you turn it down

i'll tell you if it's down low enough before i come out i refuse to come out okay turn it down

all right sir well i'm just gonna stay until you do all right one moment please sir all right

love how he calls you sir while you're like cussing at him and pissing now complain about

about the music being too loud on hold yeah yeah you gotta turn that down so zolar when do you do

shows i know i haven't done shows since uh christmas shit you just done with it or taking

a break yeah i'm on a hiatus all right i'm hanging up and calling back i just made a nice shit

you're here in the bathroom with me you're calling tj freddie yeah listen i called before because

Because it is way too loud in here.

I'm in the bathroom right now.

Yeah, I need someone to turn down that damn fucking music, bro.

Okay, I'm going to just keep this one back to go try to turn it down.

But I've been holding it.

Where is he at now?

Tell him to come back to the phone already.

Okay, hold on.

Thanks for calling TJ Friday and Compton.

I hope you guys have a great time.

Yeah, I've been waiting.

Hello?

I've been waiting.

I hung up and called back.

Okay, so the music is turned down already.

So well is to turn it down more. Well, can you come in here in the bathroom?

Can you come in here in the bathroom and i'll show you?

I'll have the manager. No you come in. No, because I have to stay up here in the front. I don't know

Come on, I want I want you in the bathroom with me. Come on. No, we'll close the door. Yeah, come on

Come on, we'll eat in here. We'll eat in here

What's wrong with bathroom dates?

Folk, just say you're my wife and you're trying to find me

and you think I'm in the bathroom, okay?

You're gonna go give him a blumpkin.

Really?

I'm at DJI Fridays in Compton, best happy hour in town.

Samisha speaking, how can I help you?

Yeah, hi there. I was eating in your restaurant

and now I can't find my husband.

I think he's lost in the bathroom.

He was complaining about the music.

You said you lost your husband?

Well, he, like, wandered away.

Um, well, if you're still within the vicinity, you're more than welcome to come into the restaurant.

He's still in here.

Do you think he's in the bathroom?

I'm not sure. I have no, not a clue who your husband is or what he looks like.

I think he called you before from the bathroom, complaining about the loud music.

Oh, okay.

Could you go check?

Um, I'm not, as a female, I'm not allowed to go inside to the bathroom, so...

You're not allowed to go inside the bathroom?

yes as a female i'm not allowed to go inside the men's restroom but i could send i know but it's

for a lot my loss hello it's for my lost spouse though it's important hello hello yes yeah i think

he wandered into the bathroom he was saying the music was loud and he just like went away and i

was still eating when he left okay and where where are you at at this moment i'm eating right now

I'm sitting down eating your your food

I'm in like the corner like in a booth, but the food's kind of making me feel weird

Hello

You said that you're sitting in a corner in the restaurant. Yeah

Question for you. I'm actually here in the restaurant right at this moment. Would you actually prefer to come to me about?

ma'am ma'am that's that that's my that's my daughter and and she had to come out to the

trailer to feed the goat and the chicken we're in the parking lot and we're waiting for her husband

can you

we're in the parking lot and there's a lot of traffic passing by and and the chickens are

are hungry and the goat is getting restless we need our husband to come out of the bathroom now

okay well we're not allowed to go to the restroom ma'am i i heard if you use a pump on your clitoris

it'll look like a penis now use that and get in the bathroom as fast as you can

yeah start pumping it off i gotta end that one for you buddy thank you excuse me all right uh

music. Alright, moving right

along. Let's see what else we got here. I think I have

more numbers in Compton. Yes, I do.

And the surrounding area also.

New Millennium Pizza

where a black man answered

the phone. Blackman. Blackman.

Let me ask him if it's Blackman Pizza.

That really grossed me out.

Can I order a pizza? So much for that. Here's a different

one. Chico's Pizza where a black man

also answered. Can I order a pizza?

Sure. I'm going to ask him if it's

Blackman Pizza. Can I help you?

Yes, is this Black Man Pizza?

Say what?

Is this Black Man Pizza?

No, this is White Man Pizza.

Oh, okay.

I'm going to put Dr. Baz on the line for the order.

Go ahead.

Hi, I'd like to make an order for a pizza, please.

Hello?

The hell?

He said, hold on.

We're holding.

And waiting still.

I'm going to order me a big sausage pizza.

See if we can get a large watermelon with that.

Yeah.

He's a white man, though.

I could bounce call him, but he might not pick up a second time.

I did it.

I hung up.

Hello.

Chicos, can I help you?

Yeah, I'd like to place an order for a pizza to pick up.

Sure, one moment, please.

Can you hurry, please?

You already put me on hold once.

Please hang up.

Yeah, you probably have all their lines filled up now.

Okay.

Let's bring it.

Chicos, can I help you?

Yeah, hey.

Damn it.

We were on a hold.

Yeah, we're kind of busy, so I was taking the order and taking the phone call, but, you know, I'm charging here.

Can you just take us?

Take us.

We'll leave you alone, okay?

Say what?

Okay, go ahead, Baz.

Yeah, I'd like to order a large big sausage pizza.

A large sausage pizza?

Yeah, and I was wondering if you could, like a custom order, I was wondering if you could drill a, not drill,

or just cut out a hole in the center of the pizza.

Amigo, we are busy right here.

This is not time to go around.

Yeah, so what I'm going to do is I'm going to...

I've got a bunch of teenage girls that are coming over for a pizza party.

I'm going to stick my cock in that hole.

I'm going to open the box up.

My dick's going to spring out.

What a bitch.

Amigo.

Amigo, my ass.

Amigo, my ass, motherfucker.

Okay?

Go get a job or something, man.

Yeah, whatever.

Go get a job, man.

That's big time talk in the Mexican community.

Like, you don't even have a job, bro.

Dwight needs to order a pizza from this motherfucker.

They did that one before, cut a hole in the middle.

It was on me immediately when I said that.

He's like, come on, amigo.

Hey, how you doing there, pal?

I need to make a pizza order.

Clear.

Chico's gonna help you.

Yeah, I need to make a pizza order there, buddy.

Sure, one moment, please.

All right, you hurry the fuck up.

This motherfucker.

I refuse to believe he's this busy on a fucking Thursday.

All right.

Yes. Who's it?

Don.

I don't believe he's that fucking busy.

Hey, this is Dwight, buddy.

You're not that fucking busy. Take my order.

You want Christian orders?

Yeah, you can give me my fucking pizza.

Hey, man. What? What the fuck's your problem?

Huh? I don't take phone orders from you, man.

Puta madre. You think you're better than Dwight?

Huh? Puta madre.

We command you to take the damn order.

He did put you on hold again,

you motherfucker.

This guy just keeps picking up.

I'll come down and make an order

And I'll fucking slap him

Leave him alone

That's enough

I get it

Who's it?

Dwight

IHOP time

Let's do our prank call convention

In Compton

I really wanted to order

Stuff with heat and meat

So much for that

But moving right along, here's a barbecue place in Compton.

Now, that's got to be a good barbecue.

They wouldn't survive without being good, motherfucker.

Right, Zola?

Yep.

Zola knows.

Zola has a black friend.

He's a progressive male.

All right, I give up.

With that call, I should say.

I give up with that call.

Let me get my bearings here.

See what else we got.

Let's move on from Compton right now.

Let's look a little further out.

Here's a black woman at Tam's Burgers.

Tam's going to help you.

Hello?

Tam's going to help you.

oh there you go i couldn't hear you at first can you hear me yes okay my grandfather uh uh was down

there earlier and um he said that uh he he crapped his pants and um one of you ladies helped him out

like he what he what well i uh he he um he he wet himself and he kind of defecated in his pants and

he didn't tip the girl who was the waitress uh like what time did he came i don't know it was

was like two hours ago he just got home and he was just full of uh hold on grandpa let me talk

to the girl i'll talk hey hello sweetie is this you i i appreciate wiping my buttocks for me

hello yes are you the young lady who helped me i am albert the fellow who who uh soiled his linen

earlier i wanted to tip you i didn't have the money and i was embarrassed i'm sending my grandson

sundown what's your name oh denise hi denise it was very nice of you to wipe my buttocks for me

okay no one was ever as nice as you are how did you become so nice are you are you a religious

young lady no i'm not no you come from a good family i'm sure your mother and father are still

married no were you molested as a child can i molest you no who is this my name is albert and

and I have a big dick, but I'm old,

and it doesn't get hard anymore.

It's a phone prank.

Don't call her back.

It's a phone prank.

Somebody else could talk to her.

They believe that I'm your grandfather.

Ted, is that going to help you?

Yeah, hello.

I just spoke with my grandpa, Albert.

Stop doing this.

This is not even funny.

What are you talking about?

I mean, he called you up to compliment you.

I mean, he's that informed.

Yeah, that's not a compliment.

I don't know what did he say

tell the little hussy I've got cash

and I want to pay her

you know what he needs a little bit of joy

in his life ma'am

I've got the Viagra

he's got

odor pills

and he's got

these special pills

Viagra I've got the Viagra

my dick is no longer

have you actually been in here

yes I was there earlier

and you gave me quite the

the erotic feeling in my mind.

I popped a Viagra, and now I've got a hard-on.

Okay, I'm going to click now, okay?

Can you guys stop calling me?

Can you just humor him, please?

Excuse me, miss.

We kind of find that you're responsible for this raging boner my grandpa has.

The way you've been talking to him, it's been ridiculous.

Okay.

He's got a massive, veiny boner.

She wiped my penis with her bare hands.

Have a great night, you guys.

Love you.

I love you.

Bye baby

You sound hot

You sound like

Nice dark skin

Yeah

Right Pokja

Yeah

I was gonna ask her

About her pussy lips

I didn't get that though

Her labes

I'll do that next

Her dark labes

Oh yeah yeah

Okay

I would like to know

All about your

Little wizard sleeve

Young lady

Ew

That's an interesting

Uh

Time for a

Do you have

Beef curtains

Cause I like

A nice wizard sleeve

oh god oh my god oh my god oh my god all right so listen here are people that i have texted

at random well all right um they have contacted me for a bedroom said uh they've said do you still

have it and i've responded back with fuck you bitch motherfucker to them fuck you bitch

motherfucker yeah and they're like oh come at me bro so here we go i'm going to come at you

bruh i want to talk no i want okay i'll put you on i'll put you on yo bitch motherfucker

come at me bro what's up you don't get shit from me no no bedroom set get out of your ass

no she hung up it was a lady i felt bad it's probably her like dickhead boyfriend who wrote

the text yeah all right well here's another one yeah you never see how a wizard sleeve drapes when

When he goes and he puts his hands out like he's doing magic

and his sleeve hangs under his forearm.

That's how the vagina lips look.

Like Mickey and Fantasia.

Yeah, man.

Mickey and Fantasia.

Hello?

Yeah, come at me, bro.

Excuse me?

Come at me, bro.

You want furniture?

Sure.

Yeah, I have a furniture on Craigslist.

You got in touch with me?

Oh, yeah.

What do you have?

It's a bedroom set.

That's what it says in the stupid ad, you know?

Oh, it doesn't say anything on the ad.

It just says furniture.

It says bedroom set, motherfucker.

Motherfucker.

Why'd you jackass quit calling this number?

You texted me, motherfucker.

Alright.

I heard the guy in the back.

There was a man in the back.

Yeah, there was a man in the back.

He'll pick up in a second.

I think you caught her in the middle of her fucking 15th chicken leg.

Yeah, she was...

Stop calling.

Just look at her finger.

Just talk to me.

Anybody else?

What?

Dude.

Hey, boy.

What?

I'm putting Dwight on the line.

What the fuck is your problem, pal?

Your old lady getting free with the text messages and shit?

Huh?

What's that now?

You heard me, you fucking cocksucker.

You're mama, motherfucker.

Look, I'm going to come over there and fuck your old lady right in front of you.

Well, come on down.

I'm going to show her how a real man feels.

I'm going to fucking take some lessons, buddy.

Fucking punk.

Ain't nothing but a bitch coming at me, bro.

Well, come on down.

Tell me where to meet you.

I'm going right now.

Meet me at the fucking Walmart.

What?

Which Walmart?

The one or the one?

Pick a Walmart.

Which one works for you, buddy?

Huh?

Well, you just tell me which one and I'll do that.

I'll meet you in the men's room and I'll fucking dunk your head in the toilet and be like high school all over again.

Oh, like your daddy did to you?

Yes, exactly.

Let's turn it around, buddy.

Yeah, like your daddy did to you, huh?

I work at the Walmart.

I'll fucking slap you with a mop.

Yeah, that's the only kind of job you can get.

You don't imagine.

They pay me big bucks because I have a degree from DeVry, you son of a bitch.

Dwight doesn't fuck around.

Mother!

Dwight doesn't fuck around, dude.

Yeah.

My old lady's a buck ten.

What's yours?

About five bills?

Yo, mama.

Because your fucking wife fucking wants to send me text messages looking for cock pics.

I said, I'm not like that, bitch.

That's not very nice, buddy.

Yeah, I graduated from DeVry, and my wife Lisa graduated from Phoenix University.

That's against the rules to say that on here.

You're not allowed to say the N-word.

That's offensive.

Yeah.

You're breaking the rules, sir.

Don't say it again or you'll be

rode up.

I'm going to be filing a suit now.

This is our attorney,

Dr. David Snozwell.

Yeah, this is Dr. David Snozwell.

I'm a barrister, and

we will be filing a suit on you, tough guy.

Do whatever you want.

Do whatever you fucking want.

I'm going to put such a suit on you, buddy, that

your cock's going to shrivel up and shrink inside.

Is that the only way you can talk?

Your wife's going to call you nibble nuts.

You know what?

You guys are just a bunch of pups.

Whatever you want to be, I'll beat you.

My grandpa could fuck you up.

I'm going to put him on the phone, you son of a bitch.

Yeah, put him on.

I'm putting my grandpa on.

Hey, you dirty little son of a bitch acting tough over the phone.

You ain't about to meet anybody anywhere, are you, smarty pants?

You know what?

You got my dress.

You're wearing a dress?

You got a thong on, too, pretty boy?

Nice tight dress on, huh?

Hey, hung up.

He couldn't handle the Albert.

That's awesome.

The man's out. Fight for the honor of his lady.

Jolar, that's how you do it, right?

You have reached.

Please leave your...

Alright, I'll save their number. Who knows? Maybe they'll...

Carlito, you better move. He's got your address.

Oh, fuck yeah. He's got my address.

That quick, too.

I like these assholes that threaten that.

It's like, oh yeah, we really believe in it, pal.

Yeah, you got me.

Let's see if I have any more of these.

Yes, I do.

from phone number

double seven

double oh two one.

Yeah.

Here's the guy

that just left me

a voicemail

asking about it.

Let me call him back.

I'm going to call him

the stupid.

Hello?

Yeah, are you calling

about a fucking bedroom set?

Yeah.

Yeah, why don't you

get it out of your ass?

Sorry?

Why don't you get it

out of your ass?

You know what I mean?

I'm sorry?

Try it again.

She's dumbfounded.

Yeah.

You have reached

the voicemail box of...

Oh, I hear someone else

regarding that as well

who I've already said

that, you know,

go fuck themselves they they uh texted back wrong number sorry stupid all right i think we're like

no bro it was right over it should be more combative bastards yeah pose some lds mormon

motherfucker right hello yeah are you some kind of lds mormon motherfucker or something like that

are you some kind of lds mormon motherfucker i think you have the wrong number no you got you

texted me about the set about what the set i put on craigslist for the set i had the set

The bedroom set machine

The what machine

The bedroom set

God damn it

No I think

You have the wrong number

Motherfucker

You texted me

About a bedroom set man

Um

No I didn't

I have it here

On my computer

Oh then it must have

Been the wrong number

Yeah go alright

Go

Why don't you go

Fuck yourself then

Go sit and stand

In the corner

And take a shit

Bitch

Wasting my time

How is it possible

Guys right

In this day and age

I got it from

The wrong number

Yeah cause I

Copy pasted it

sort of flyer and no more replies to that now that's kind of sad all right well that was the

fun with that if i get any more people interested in the uh bedroom set i will let you know moving

back to lonesome loser we have a lot of numbers in hawaii now indian restaurants here's someone

calling hello hello yeah what do you want i'm calling regarding the app about a free app

the bedroom oh okay you want a free uh the free bedroom set motherfucker what's that you want the

free bedroom set motherfucker is that a joke no do you yeah i've got the bedroom set is that what

you're calling on i'm sorry i was just joking around i'm trying to be a friend i'm sorry

oh my god oh i know right gosh son of a bitch right yeah i know i'm a son of a bitch

Bitch.

Yeah, so what was your name?

Bitch.

What was your name?

Your name.

Sorry.

No name.

You're a bitch.

I was trying to say it real.

I do it all the time to you guys, but that's funny.

He has good hearing, right?

That dude.

Oh, Skype is not responding.

Come on, man.

Pathetic Skype.

Pathetic.

Pathetic performance as usual.

skype now completely frozen we have lost skype machine all right well i'm headed into the task

manager in that case and i'm trying to shut that down uh listen to this tune i'll be right back

unless you're watching on youtube live hang out on air google plus uh also uh the madhouse site

way to do a good job with uh branding there google with the product good job anyway just a moment

one please all right i'm recovering a skype now you hear me baz am i coming through okay

yep yep loud and clear i'm trying to remember everybody we got dwight you okay

that's it yeah all right got you guys back had a skype crash at the end of that call

that was funny yay okay new news flashing he says carriage huntsman's penis 22 year old man

Man Arrested Suspicion Assault.

What?

Anyone know what he's talking about before I have to read it on the air?

Uh, no.

He didn't.

Gypsies.

He wasn't something else.

Gypsies cut off Middle Eastern and Middle Eastern man's penis for sleeping with one of their girlfriends.

Okay.

Wow.

What?

They castrated the dude?

Wow.

40-year-old guy found in distress state at the side of a highway.

Suffered serious injuries, wounds to his groin.

A gypsy gang attacked him in dispute over a woman.

Penis is cut off and is missing.

Oh, shit.

They didn't even find it.

No chance to get it reattached like Bobbitt, man.

Wow.

They had to seal off a busy road to search for it.

And a 22-year-old gypsy has been arrested in suspicion of assault.

And you have the number to who?

The person who got the penis cut off?

No, I don't have any number.

I don't know why he sent me this.

He says he sent me the numbers on AIM, okay?

Taking up script photos.

Oh, no, never mind.

Yeah, I don't know where he's going.

I guess, I don't know what he told me, though.

Because if we have the number to the guy whose penis was cut off,

we could, like, act like we're a team of doctors, of course.

We have an organ donor, and this is the strangest thing of all.

The male penis is ready for re-transplant.

Yeah, and I'm ready to go into space with the fucking spaceship,

and I want to castrate myself anyway.

I'm like those fucking Heaven's Gate motherfuckers, though.

I remember them.

No, we'll just tell him that it was a prisoner who has been spending time for raping multiple victims

and wanted to donate their penis, and it happens to be a 12-inch-long black cock.

Goddamn.

All right.

Jesus Christ, it's 12 inches long.

I'd do it.

But can you imagine?

You know what?

I think I had read some Chinese guy had had a penis transplant.

He had an accident at work, and he lost his penis.

It got cut off.

It got severed.

and he had a transplant and he ended up having asking it to be removed it worked it was successful

but he said it was too awkward to have another person's penis on him he said like psychologically

he couldn't handle it yeah that's gay yeah you think about it it is kind of weird like you know

when you're holding your dick it's not your dick you know you can't say i never touched another

guy's dick before especially i feel guilty about holding my own yeah listen if that had my dick

dick transplanted um would i like be gay just for taking a piss because i'm touching another

guy's dick right like am i gonna go to hell at that point it's not my fault but

yeah hi how are you yeah this is uh chef morimoto's place right yes yeah hey listen so um if i lost my

penis and then they had a transplant they put another man's penis on me would it be gay for

me to touch the penis yeah because then i would go to hell because jesus doesn't like that you

know god says dovidicus and all that stuff i don't want to go to hell you know i want to be

up with heavenly father yeah what if it was an animal penis though sorry i'm not too sure like

a horse if he had if he had his transplant from a horse and you made love to him would you be a

bestiality lover yeah like i gotta think about this kind of stuff would i have enough blood for

it to get erect i mean they're massive that's true i probably pass out with a big bonus have

you ever sucked the horse's cock ma'am i bet she has hello hi how may i assist you yes uh my

associate uh mr zolar had a a question yeah we were having a debate and we were having a debate

needed an outside opinion we're staying in your facility and we were wondering my friend here is

having a transplant and we were wondering if uh his transplant was by a uh animal would would

Would it be considered sick if his wife made love to him

and it was his penis that was transplanted?

Would that be bestiality?

That's weird.

So you should try and call somebody else.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

I couldn't hear your answer.

But can you just give us a brief synopsis of how you feel about it?

If your husband had to have his penis transplanted and they used the horses,

would you feel like bestiality is going on there?

I'd feel like that would hurt a lot.

lot so i gotta go now because our um you know our business is open so i'm sorry about that

are you very tight are you very tight okay bye sorry thank you how many fingers

i was gonna tell her that the procedure's tomorrow and i'll come in and show it to her

that would hurt guys i wish she's smart she's a smart cookie smart little asian girl right

but she's got good grades in math man i got the feeling she's not against fucking a horse's cock

she said yeah she thought like she wasn't against it just you know that might hurt

fuck it i like pain that was what i was waiting for her to say because yeah because girls be

reading about that pain in those books now man they like it she's gonna be thinking about that

all night now yep about a horse cock about a guy with a horse she'll be dreaming about having sex

with a centaur yes what's what right isn't there a bunch of like a griffin is like a eagle and a

lion or something yeah all right well which of those things would you like to be out of those

mythical uh characters whichever one flies i think right you gotta want to fly exactly yeah

i'd like to be goro from um mortal combat with the four arms that's dope yeah yeah yeah he is good

Anyway, let's listen to this.

Give me a second here.

Good evening, Sheila.

Hello.

Hi, Sheila.

Good evening.

Fantastic, Sheila.

I think he just said in German

that he could smell her pussy from there.

Hello?

Someone's trying to call back in.

And maybe about the...

Hello?

Yeah, hello, Carlos.

Hey, how are you, honey baby?

Sexy?

I'm sorry.

I was calling you regarding the bedding set that you have for free.

Oh, my God.

I was so embarrassed.

I thought you were my wife.

I was going to masturbate on the phone.

She's on a business trip.

We were going to masturbate on the phone.

Oh, my God.

So do you still have the bedding set?

Hang on.

I have my penis in my hand right now.

Is that cheating?

I'm sorry.

What?

Yes, I do have the set.

Did you want to get it?

Oh, why don't you get it?

Yeah, you can get it out of your ass.

Okay?

Yeah.

You should have asked her to come over.

You should have asked her to come over and test it out

and stuff like that.

Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry.

That was probably the politest fuck you I've ever heard.

Yeah.

You could tell her that you have

a couple of people that are over there testing it out

right now.

yeah i didn't play uh play this hey maybe you can help me find something

baz i'm looking for the sound effect of bed springs going up and down oh okay i'll look

i'll look into that yeah i think that'll be a good one to have oh fuck yeah all right i want

to answer one of these like where the female's calling about the bed set oh fuck yeah you want

my bed set what do you say i'll set your bed all right i'll break it in um i'm just trying to find

where i was what was the last number we called the last business you guys remember shit i lost

my track called chico's which was yeah i think that was the last one no it was the hyatt okay

the hyatt we called the hyatt holy shit anyway cafe what sorry no you're okay cafe taj mahal

An Indian coffee place, maybe, or a tea house.

I don't know.

Cafe Taj Mahal?

Yeah, what do you got there?

Coffee?

What?

What do you got there?

Coffee?

No, Indian food.

Oh, yeah?

I like to make an order, then.

All right.

All right, one mango chutney.

Okay.

All right.

One meat.

I'm sorry, one what?

One meat.

We have chicken, beef, lamb, seafood.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, one meat, one unit of meat.

Come on, guy.

Really?

Yeah, it was pretty bad.

Hey, here's someone calling in.

Dwight, you wanted one, right?

Yeah.

Here you go, boy.

Now the call's on hold.

Hello?

Call in on hold.

Oh, my God, the call went on hold.

Oh, there we go.

I don't know what happened.

That was weird.

I don't know.

We'll see if that person calls back.

Did they come in? Did they answer? Did they say anything?

No, you put us on hold.

I put you guys on hold. I meant I was trying to drop that call in.

You didn't do it correctly.

Nope.

I did not. I make mistakes all the time.

This is a live show.

This is like Saturday Night Live.

You mess up all the time.

You're not still running Linux, are you?

No.

Hey, here's somebody.

Here's somebody.

Hello.

This is Carlos, sir.

This is Carlos. How are you doing?

Hi, I was calling about the bedroom set you had posted on Craigslist.

Yeah, the one I got on the list there for free?

Yes.

Yeah, hang on a second.

I was just bullshitting you.

This is Dwight.

Let me get Carlos.

Okay.

Yeah, hello, this is Carlos.

Hello?

How you doing there, baby?

I was calling about the bedroom set you had up on Craigslist.

Oh, fuck yeah, yeah.

I still got it.

What size is it?

It's a king.

I need a...

It's a king?

Yeah, you know, all that room for the play, and, you know, it's like a fucking jungle gym.

Do you have photos of it?

Uh, yeah, but I prefer for people to come on over and take a look at it.

Okay, um, I'm gonna have to see, because I'm actually looking for my friend who's remodeling a house.

Um, I'll see if they're available tomorrow, maybe.

Honey, who is this bitch you're talking to? You better not be running up the phone, Bill.

I'm trying to see if this lady can come on over and test out this bitch that I put.

miss who are you this is my husband you're speaking with oh fuck yeah miss i was yes are

you charging him for this phone call because he runs up the phone bill in this house that's why

we're getting a divorce in the first place uh because you don't give up the pussy that's why

i'm selling the bed you're not selling my bed are you you don't give up the pussy very nice

all right that was cool i was hoping she'd yell though i like i like yelling right so you like

yelling you like when people yell yeah everybody's on fucking oxy now and they're all fucking smoothed

over yeah man it's it's in the water dude it's in the water everyone because they keep flushing

the shit down the toilets man and you take the shit and all the oxy gets out and the shit and

everything and it goes right into the water you drink oh fuck yeah yeah man that's how it works

okay i'll be checking request a prank after the break here that i take shortly but before that

Matt Moore calls live here on Madhouse Radio.

The website is madhouselive.com.

With me right now is Zolar, Pulpja, Dr. Baz, and Ken, a.k.a. Dwight.

Yo!

Hello!

Do you want a Paki Stani in London that hates dogs?

Yeah, because I love dogs.

I called these people on my show last week, and I don't know how it came around to it,

but anyway, I accused them of eating all the dogs and cats in the neighborhood

because they said there were, like, no pets in the neighborhood.

The lady got pretty upset with me.

Did you paste that already?

Let me see.

Yeah, it's at the bottom of the Skype chat.

I see it.

Isn't it really Butt?

Yeah.

Put in a new new.

That's a Pakistani name.

Here's Mr. Butt.

Mr. Atlas.

Hello.

Call cannot be taken at this moment.

Boo.

Try it again.

You're cool.

It's actually only 3.44 a.m. in London right now.

Oh, is that it?

Okay.

Yeah.

I don't know what to tell you.

I added a number in there for you, Carlito.

It's another guy.

We sent out his voicemail.

Okay.

So there might be some people we can nab off his voicemail to call.

You know the code machine?

Yeah, I set it up for him.

Right here.

Hi, I'm listening to W.

Yeah, hey, how you doing?

I hung up on her.

I'm going to call her back.

They don't want to lose a number.

I think we had ice goose leave the message.

Let's see if they fixed it.

Go on home and leave your name, number, and tell me how big your pocket is.

please enter your password one unheard message menu to listen to your message

press 1 to send a message to first unheard message um hello my name is

Derek Shepherd I was wondering about your free puppy anyway if you could call

me back at you asshole what do you do I had you off end of message to delete

this message press 7 to save it all he did was call me back to this number he didn't leave the fucking number

Well, you might be able to get it.

Sometimes there's an option to call back the number.

Are you still there to delete this?

Yeah, it's 8-8.

Anyway, if you could call me back at this number, I'd appreciate it.

Sent Saturday, March 8th at 11.19 p.m.

New message from 8-19.

To delete this message, press 7 to save it in the archives.

Press 9 to hear more.

Do you want to hang up or do you want to check more?

Press 0.

All right, go ahead and hang it up.

All right, cool.

Want me to dial that?

Yeah.

There you go.

Apparently the guy had a free dog and he didn't answer,

so we decided to set his voicemail up for him.

Solomon's requested dick sizes.

310-2, this is Cooper Shepard.

How may I help you, sir, ma'am?

Yeah, is this Shepard?

Shepard?

Yes, sir.

Yeah, this is Puppy Machine.

I'm putting Dwight on.

Here you go, Dwight.

What's that?

I'm sorry.

You called about a dog?

Oh, yeah.

I'll call back.

I'm in the middle of work.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, what do you do?

do we're gonna go down to your work till everybody that is that fucking important

do you remember his first name i know shepherd is the last name no i'm gonna say i said i thought

you said corporal for a second there and i was like oh wait a minute what no to access your

voicemail press the pound key and enter in your seven digit check that one it's like a 360 fucking

hacking reverse packing man fudge packing fudge packing basically all right want some moves you're

sending in more numbers here oh yes this is what i was trying to do the curry ramen house

you ever have ramen over there in new york i heard it's good it's crazy good i never had that

but you're not in the city right are you like outside where are you like long island or

something or no well oh yeah i am uh in the five boroughs i'm as close to the city as you could

possibly get without being in the city okay all right you're not saying yeah i'm just curious

so you are in the borough wow man you don't even have a car do you like fuck a car right

Yeah, I do have a car.

Oh, wow.

No answer there, but here's an incoming call about the furniture.

Here we go.

Hello?

Yes, Carlos?

Hey, how are you, honey?

Oh, God, I'm so happy you called.

I was getting ready to lay down.

I got my pants down and everything.

How are you, baby?

I was calling about the ad on Craigslist.

Oh, my God.

For the free bed and fit.

Oh, my God, I thought you were my mistress.

mistress um yes yes the craigslist uh you were interested what was your name what is the size of

it oh well i mean it depends i have a few of them i have a queen a king like a california king a

queen and two twin okay and the queen set is it a dresser and mirror or is it just a bed yeah it's

the bed everything the box praying mattress can you send a picture of it so we can see it well

Well, yeah, and then here's what we'll do.

You can come down.

We can lay down on it, right, and I'll show you.

We can jump up and down on it, you know, need ice cream.

We're testing it out right now, actually.

We have some people testing it out right now.

Well, my boyfriend and I would like to see a picture of it first.

Yeah, oh, yeah, we'll take pictures of it.

We'll take a picture of you two on there with us.

Call from unknown caller.

To accept, press 1.

To send a voicemail, press 2.

Hello.

Sorry, thank you.

Hello.

Hi, is this Carlos?

Yeah.

This is Jessica.

I'm calling about an ad on Craigslist for a bedroom set.

Yeah, so what?

You sold it?

Is that what you said?

No, I said so what?

Yeah, I know.

I hear you.

I understand.

I was watching a CNN.

I was watching a TV show in the background.

I'm sorry.

Oh, okay.

Who's whispering?

Who's whispering over there?

Hold on just a second.

I'm trying to get away from the noise.

So do you still have the bed set?

The bedroom set?

Yeah, yeah, totally.

totally it's queen we have a mattress okay i got another couple here looking at it right now

they're testing it out did you want to come oh okay you want to come lay down on it

do you want to give me a call or a text if they don't take it or

oh she's taking it right now oh she's taking it well no i'm not the bad but she's taking it

I just I've been watching them. They said they weren't interested in the bed. They just wanted

They said they just wanted to have sex in front of me. They didn't want to have the bed

They said they get off like this that they do this kind of stuff all the time. I guess it's amazing stuff

I'll take it

Reminded me of my honeymoon over there chutney is a place called chutney

Chutney. Big chutney.

An Indian guy answered, and this is in Hawaii, our favorite island state.

Yeah, can I try them out?

Yeah, try out some chutney, yeah. Mangled chutney.

Thank you for calling Chutney. How may I help you?

Yes, I'd like to make an order for takeaway, please.

Okay, what can I get for you?

Yeah, I'd like one order of some stupid chicken tikka masala.

Okay.

Yeah, and one order of some filthy papadums.

I'm sorry?

Yeah, one order of papadums.

Okay.

Yeah, and also one order of bhenchod.

The what?

Bhenchod.

M-chore?

Bhenchod.

What is that?

Well, you know, it's where you come in front of me, and I will take the chutney, and I'm going to spread it on you.

And then I'm going to milk your breasts into a bowl and make paneer with it.

What's your name?

Oh, my name is David. What's your name?

Do you want me to call the cops on you?

Oh, no, ma'am. I'm just trying to make an order.

No, you're absolutely not trying to make an order right now.

you're being very stupid.

No, I'm actually a doctor.

Yes, you are.

I have your number.

I'm going to give...

I'm very famous.

Can you put a man on the phone?

Put a man on the phone.

Don't worry about men on the phone.

No, I only speak to men

because the women are dirty

and they mess up the order.

You know, I'm going to call the cops right now

and then I'm going to have to give them your number.

Please, honey.

Honey, baby, please don't.

We can make this right, you and me.

We'll go behind the tandoori oven.

Hello.

Hey, I'm trying to order some food, and I don't know what was wrong with her.

She seemed to be a little distraught.

So you want to order?

Yes, I'd like to make an order for some food for pickup,

and I think she misunderstood me or something.

I don't know what the situation was.

Okay, you can order.

I'm trying to order some food.

I'm a tourist.

Okay.

Yeah, I'd like one order of chicken tikka masala.

Chicken tikka masala.

Yeah.

One order of papadums.

and then one order of Filthy Ho.

So papadum chicken masala?

Yeah, and then one order of Filthy Ho.

Sorry?

That I just spoke with.

Yeah, one order of gandhu sauce.

Garlic, garlic?

Yeah, garlic gandhu.

Garlic gandhu.

We have garlic bread.

We have garlic gandhu.

We didn't have that time.

I want to ask you a very important question.

Okay.

Yeah, do you like the cock?

It sure sounds like it.

You know, what's your problem?

You know, I'm going to give your number to cops right now.

No, no, please.

You know what?

We don't have time for this shit.

I'm going to call the cops and give you a number.

Stop being an asshole, okay?

I have customers here.

I'm not going to have your order ready.

So shut the fuck up.

Let me talk to a customer, please.

Oh, shit.

Angry bitch.

Oh, damn.

I'm calling back.

That's funny.

Wow, wow.

She was very rude.

It's just something about

Baz's voice that boils the blood

of the Indians. I guess, yeah.

It doesn't bode well, bro.

And I've been threatened to be

cooked in the tandoori oven at least

twice. Yeah.

I love the really good insults from the

Indians, man. You've been

challenged in many fights.

Yeah, I've been told I'm gonna be fucked. My mother

and my sister who doesn't exist. And my mother

Who's that?

All getting fucked.

All right.

We got a place called Orchids where the executive chef is an Indian, but they don't make Indian food.

And it's in Hawaii.

Can I speak to him?

Sure, buddy.

What kind of food is it?

Lick-a-lunny.

Ah, hello.

How are you?

Good.

Thank you.

Good.

I was wondering if the chef was available to make a specialty dish.

Okay, let me try his office for you.

One moment, please.

You're welcome.

Yes, seagulls.

Of course.

Hello.

what's happening enigma good evening holic money yes hi i'm sorry i i'm going to need a special

order for this evening i'm uh visiting on the island and what kind of special orders well we

have uh imported with us and just uh gotten it back from customs uh it's a it's a special kind

of fowl we call it seagull i don't even know if you have it here in the area okay and you are

Are you looking to have that prepared for you, or are you looking for dining or for in-room dining?

This is the hotel, so I would need to be directed.

Yes, of course.

We're staying at the hotel, and we would like a special foul made for us.

The seagull brought to the room, of course, with some champagne and stuff like that.

We were wondering if the chef would be amenable to doing that for us.

Okay.

Let me go ahead and connect you to our in-room dining services, and we can direct your call from there.

One moment, please.

Shout out to Delaware.

Good evening. I'm dining Natsuko speaking. How may I help you?

Yes. Hi. How are you?

Somebody at the desk had put me through to you saying that you would be able to prepare my specialty dish for this evening.

I'm staying in the hotel.

I have a special guest here from, you know, the West Indies, and he's requesting a special fowl to be made.

It comes straight from Coney Island, New York.

It's a seagull.

It's actually an albatross.

Oh, okay.

The salad is called the seagull?

Right, correct.

Okay, I'm going to double check with the chef to make sure he knows how to make it.

Do you mind holding for just a moment?

We'd like the testicles to be like Rocky Mountain oysters.

So if he knows how to prepare Rocky Mountain oysters, we'd accept that.

Rocky Mountain.

From the albatross.

Okay, one moment, please.

Thank you.

Hey, Zolar, tell her that you guys are chasing, you're throwing rocks at the seagulls and albatrosses now.

You can take over the call at this point.

We can all share this.

All right, buddy.

I'm going to get a drink and giggle.

Hey, Jose wants sand.

Is that okay if I add him?

Jose is okay.

Okay.

Squishy on the side, yes.

Hello, I'm Steve Allen, the Oblitrolls Hunter.

The trick is you feed him Alka-Seltzer, man.

It kills him.

You know what the trick is?

You know candles that have no dye in them that are regular color?

Yeah.

If you take a candle, those big ones, you know, the ones that they have on the stand,

and blow up the wax, that wax, they can't see that for some reason.

You can walk right 10 feet from them and hit them right in the head with one of those by throwing it at them.

That's how you catch seagulls.

I swear to God, I used to do it when I was a little kid.

Yeah, with the wax.

Hit them with a ball of wax.

Bang!

Like a rock.

Shit.

If you know how to throw a baseball.

And you ate them?

In New York, where you ate them?

No!

We just kill them for fun because we're murderous.

Coney Island chicken.

But you grew up in the streets, right?

Of Bed-Stuy.

So you had to eat them.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Yeah, man.

You ate rats.

I just had...

We used to catch rats and eat them.

I remember that.

So you get those big rats where you live, Zolar?

Well, I live on Staten Island.

I don't see any rats.

But in Manhattan, yeah, you could see them coming out from underneath the gates on the

stores that are closed that have food in them at night.

Oh.

By the way, seagulls are federally protected.

Down in Chinatown, where they throw out, like, fucking 82 bags of garbage a night, mostly filled with food, you see that rats fucking...

Thank you very much for holding.

Hello?

Oh, yes, hey, I'm here.

Hello, okay, sorry, thank you so much for holding.

I've actually spoken with the chef, and he said he does not have the ingredients to make that salad.

Oh, but listen, it's...

He has...

You guys have a salad there with chicken machine in it?

Uh, we have...

Yes, we have grilled chicken.

All right, listen, all right.

So we caught the seagulls already.

Zolar was teaching me, you take candle wax, you make a big ball out of it.

I made a baseball out of candle wax, and I threw it at the fucker, motherfucker.

We caught three of these seagulls over here at the beach tonight.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, so we'll skin them and everything.

We're from Georgia.

We're on vacation.

We'll skin them, you know, we'll pluck them and everything, and we'll bring in the meat, all right?

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, in that case, you know, you need basically, instead of grilling the chicken,

you're going to grill this albatross and these three seagulls that we have here that we caught.

Okay.

One of them we ran over in a car.

He flew down and we hit the motherfucker.

Oh.

Yeah.

Okay.

Why don't you put the executive chef?

He's that Indian guy, right?

We play golf with him.

We know him.

Right, right.

Our chef, so that would be Chef Garg.

Yeah.

He's actually not on duty today.

Motherfucker, man.

Motherfucker.

Fucking motherfucker.

Motherfucking shit motherfucker.

Fuck.

God damn it.

God damn fucking shit.

Who's cooking then, bitch?

I shit myself.

Damn it.

We just get, like, attacked by all these seagulls at the same time for a second there.

That fucking seagull just pecked my balls.

Like, they've been chasing us for a while.

Like, we caught three of them.

We killed three of them.

And they've been following us to the car.

Yeah.

This one seagull keeps following me around and sniffing my ass.

Like, a few of them, I think they're going to start, like,

dive-bombing and trying to peck us and shit.

Okay.

Holy shit!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yeah, the seagulls are now swooping down on us right now.

Holy shit.

One of them's got his beak in my asshole.

Hold on, Dwight.

I'll kick it.

Jose's here.

He's the chief of the seagulls.

He's the great seagull.

Go ahead, Jose.

Say hi.

Great, great, man.

All right, I don't know what else to say to you, honey.

Um, okay.

Okay, first, may I have your room number?

137?

No.

Oh, man, we're pretty intoxicated.

1120?

Okay, how about a last name?

Cross.

And how do you spell that?

C-R-O-S-S.

Cross?

Yeah.

Shoot it.

Oh, God.

Call it Kalani, sir?

I'm sorry, we're in the middle of being attacked by seagulls.

I'm sorry.

We're in the high Kalanik now.

Kalani?

Oh, my God.

Holy crap.

Oh, my God.

Are you guys serious?

Okay.

I thought you were a frog right now.

I'm Stevenson.

Stevenson.

I signed myself off of Skype.

And the first name?

John.

I'm sorry?

Motherfucker.

John, J-O-H-N.

Motherfucker.

John Stevenson.

Motherfucker.

Okay, I wonder if he placed you on hold.

Why?

Somebody had my friend in that I just pulled into this call.

Okay.

The reason they put us on hold is because of that motherfucker that's on line with us.

Do you have any big dog?

Jose, where are you?

And hey, other guy, how's it going?

That's my friend Chris's screen name is Greenscreen.

Hey, buddy.

What's up?

What's going on, dude?

Hey, big guy.

I'm Carlito.

Welcome.

I'll give you a link to the chat, Chris.

Ah.

Welcome to the show, Chris.

Frank calls.

Hey, what happened?

What took so long?

A big party?

What's up there, chief?

Who?

Yeah, talk to Cross.

He's our lead.

Do I have a room number?

Yeah.

16-230.

Yeah.

Yep.

How can we help you?

Masturbation, we need

Masturbation

You can help us by stopping

You're a motherfucker too, yeah

We need a lube man

Like that motherfucker

Oh yeah, alright bro

I need a lube man

You know what, you need a lube man

I'll throw a coconut through the front window

Motherfucker

Take the number down

Oh, you're gonna be a rat

Let me try

You wanna be a rat and transfer us to the cops

Bitch, oh, you're a bitch. That's why you like

what's your name though

You're a tough guy.

Oh, you are?

Hey, listen.

I'm Brad Pitt's brother, Stu.

Brad Pitt.

I see.

All right, bro.

I'm his brother, Stu.

You're Brad Pitt?

Oh, I see.

Listen up, you fucking fathead.

I said I figured it.

Fuck you.

I'm Brad Pitt's brother, Stuart.

I don't give a shit who you are.

Stu Pitt.

What a motherfucker.

What a motherfucker you are, motherfucker.

Motherfucker

He hung up, picked up

And put us on hold

You were the motherfucker

Are you mad, bro?

That's fucking customer service right there

I know, man

So my friend

Who'd you hear an echo from?

I don't hear an echo

Yeah, what's going on security? Come at me, bro

bro. Come at me, bro.

Come at you? Yeah, what's going on?

We were talking to the chef and he got all uppity

with us and he transferred us to you. What are you supposed

to do? Give him your order,

Baz. What's your location right now?

Baz, give him your order. I don't know.

Yeah, my what? My food order?

Hold on, dude. I hear a fucking echo, alright, dude?

Yeah. We're getting an echo

in the room. It's a bit of a problem here.

He has two windows open. The player and

then the other player.

So, Mr. Security,

what do we do with two windows open?

Can you please give me the room that you guys are staying in?

I don't give you permission to put us on speakerphone.

Take us off.

I mean, we don't want to get in trouble.

Acknowledge.

116.

Motherfucker.

Give us any iron and weed.

You said room 116?

Yes.

Did you need any assistance?

You want security to come up to your room?

No, we just need some hula girls.

I mean, hula girls.

Yeah, we need some hula girls.

We need some coos.

I'm sorry, but we can't do anything like that.

We were calling.

We're looking for a couple bottles of lube.

Coos, sir.

Yeah, we're just trying to get some lube.

You should arrest that asshole that just transferred us to you.

We paid him 20 bucks for some fucking whores, and now he's ripping us off.

Yeah, he said he wanted escorts to come down.

He wanted escorts to come down to make the place look really nice

because there were some restaurant reviewers.

God fucker, I had a good story.

Hello?

Hey, what's up?

Hello?

Hey, Charlie.

Hello?

Charlie.

Who's calling?

Yeah, this is David Stasvall.

There seems to be a problem.

Who's calling?

I already told you, David Stasvall.

Would you like to make an order?

You have a good fucking voice, too.

Hello?

Is that Charlie?

I don't know.

The place is called Charlie.

Yeah, what do you want?

I'm probably about to add on Craigslist.

Yeah?

Okay.

I was wondering if you still had it.

Yeah, yeah, I got it.

Yeah, we're all laying down on it right now.

Would you be able to take me a picture of the

Yeah yeah

Where do you want us to put her at

There's four of us

There's four of us guys and she's in the middle

How do you want her in her bag

Yeah

Candy bars

How do you want her

Yeah big daddy

Oh Dwight

I'm gonna bear back

Alright he's gone

And I never want to hear you say, oh, Dwight, again.

This is in, is this India?

Yeah, this is India.

The bakery in India.

I don't know how a bakery in India is going to speak English unless it's a tourist area.

I don't know.

I'm going to bake a cow for you.

Mantola, I've never heard of it.

Yeah, bake a cow.

I'm going to beef Wellington.

Cake in the shape of a cow.

I just hit a cow with my fucking car.

I want a red cake in the shape of a cow with black frosting.

so i can kill the cow and eat it i'm gonna eat it start with the belly

i just i just told him i want to kill and eat jesus

or basically i want to kill any angel hello yeah listen i want you to make the cake i'm

gonna kill it i'm gonna eat it from the belly first i'm gonna cut its belly this fat belly

he's he's agitated but he's hanging up oh damn you

You're getting a busy tone on this number.

Are you getting a busy tone on this number?

You're getting a busy tone on this number.

I like how it announces what you're getting, just so you know.

Like, hey.

It doesn't even give you the tone, motherfucker.

SK Minerals?

What time is it in India at this point?

Baz, any clue?

All right, let me take a look.

I was keeping my eye on that because the toilet museum opens.

I could probably remember either time.

That's bullshit.

shit i figure bez like has a set of clock crosses while all labeled was like india fucking new york

and shit like that it's 9 50 a.m in india right now okay all right so in uh so mineral places the

toilet museum opens yeah but like a mineral miner i guess they do like diamonds and shit probably

like jewelry gotta be open by now oh yeah what's going on buddy hello yeah how you doing yes yeah

Yeah, listen, I want a diamond, large diamond.

I am Sunil Bhargav.

Yeah, are you Bhenchod?

I am calling from Agra.

Yeah, yeah, and you're the Bhenchod.

I want it.

What do you want?

I need your sister.

I am your sister?

No, I need your sister.

How do you assist me?

I need your sister in your store.

I'm going to come in.

I want her to put on the jewelry to show me how it looks.

From where are you calling, sir?

I'm in the hotel.

Hong Kong?

Yeah.

Your number is not displaying here properly.

I'm on my satellite phone.

I have a business satellite phone.

What kind of business do you want to give me the opportunity?

Well, I'm going to go there and I want your sister to be there.

I want your sister to be sexy, to take a shower and have sexy perfume, sexy hair.

Speak American.

Okay, that was something.

He went into the curses.

He understood Montrachude and Banchude.

That's great.

All about the sister calling him back anyway.

Hey, hello, Banchude.

How are you?

I am calling.

Okay.

I don't care.

I'm a diplomat.

You're calling the bullies?

The bullies.

I am calling the bullies.

Hello, big guy.

And I got to take a break after this.

I got to pee pee.

Hello?

Hey, buddy, I'm sorry. Don't call police, okay? I'm sorry. No, okay? I'm sorry.

Listen, my name is David Snazwell. I'm the voice of reason here.

They're calling in the background.

Call police.

Call hurry. Call police.

Police.

This call is being forwarded.

Kindly hold on.

This call is being forwarded. Please hold on.

okay i don't know they don't want to a busy signal let me turn one more time

hey buddy how are you look come on no listen i work for the embassy i'm going to get in big

trouble okay from where you have find out my number they gave it to me at the united states

embassy here in india they gave it to me okay and i'm having sex i'm having sex with an indian girl

And we came here for vacation

I'm in the hotel with her

And she wants a ring

Because I'm going to marry the Indian girl

I'm going to fuck her and marry her

Do you want to sex here in India?

I'm already

Sex you chutia

He sounded like a sexy man.

Listen, pal, shut the fuck up.

I'm going to come in there and I'm going to fuck a cow right in front of you.

I'm going to fuck a cow and cut its throat right in front of you.

I'm fucking a cow right now.

I'm behind the cow fucking it.

Yeah, I'm wearing a big condom made out of beef.

Hey, let's listen to what's going on.

Oh, all right.

I'll call him back.

He said, oh, police?

Bullies. No, it's bullies, man.

Those hardcore Indians say bullies.

And a fee is a pee, a late pee.

Like that one guy that said he was going to transfer you to his phone bullies.

I call bullies?

Um, all right, I'm going to call back.

I think I still have this. I think that's the number.

Hey, how are you?

Speak English

I fuck your mother

Thank you

Hello

hello yeah do you still have the tv

you're giving away yes sir you can have the tv if you can reason with this indian

motherfucker let him talk shut up let him talk fuck yes hello yeah hey you wanted a tv

all right yeah i can i'm putting them on the line right now

You don't give a fuck.

What's that?

I'm here.

Hello.

Yes, I'm here.

Hello.

You're fucking stupid, man.

You don't get the TV because you're stupid.

Because you're stupid.

Yeah, you're fucking stupid.

You fucked it all up.

You're stupid.

Asshole.

He left in shape.

I'm sorry I yelled.

I'm sorry I lost my temper.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I lost my temper.

I yelled at Baz and Ken.

I'm sorry.

Okay, okay, okay.

You made us feel bad, and I'm sorry that I yelled at you.

Don't be a woman, do I end you.

Okay, okay.

I feel real bad because they're my friends, okay?

And I just got mad because I wanted to hear you cursing and not them, you know?

I'm sorry.

Now we all feel bad.

Yeah, see, it's going to be okay, though, because later I'm going to take off my shirt and hug Carlito.

Bhenchod.

Can you make us feel good?

Yeah, you son of an owl.

A real nice bear hug.

We would like to visit you.

I'll call someone else.

So you stay there, buddy, all right?

Hang out.

We're having a good time.

We're doing prank calls.

I really want to bring his sister in front of him.

We're doing prank calls.

Don't go anywhere, all right, buddy?

We like you.

You're cool.

All right.

Who are we calling now?

Who is this guy?

Is this a baker?

Is that who we called?

I forget now.

Yeah, this is the baker man.

Oh, we're still going to the baker.

Okay.

All right.

Here's Michael Ellis in the United Kingdom of England.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

Hey, don't go anywhere, buddy.

We're putting a British man on the line for you.

Yeah, you call bullies, all right?

He's calling a bullies.

Oh, and I'm bullies.

All right, that's not picking up.

Michael Fitter coming now.

Bullies.

I love bullies.

And you always pick up, too, man.

That's why I keep calling you, because you always pick up and you're funny.

Sometimes you make cursing funny.

Yeah, if you didn't pick up one time, we'd probably leave you alone,

but you're an asshole motherfucker.

Hey, how are you, buddy?

Hello.

Yeah, hey, how are you?

good morning hey you got the wrong number no we're waking you up we have a wake-up call for you

for uh michael fitter i'll try him again i forgot his name i didn't even look at his name these are

all michael's guys michael's mr fitter no answer there here's mooney no answer from mooney okay

michael smith was that zolar no i was asking q he says i'm hi i said mi hey how are you michael

Michael? Michael? We need to talk to Michael.

Michael. Yay, Michael.

This is Cross. I need to talk to Michael.

That's too late.

What? Just a minute.

Sorry. Thank you, ma'am.

Hey, this is Dan Langdon.

I'm calling from the United States.

Good morning.

Yeah, but you were up.

Oh, I'm in. Carlos? Yeah.

Carlos? Yeah. Yeah, Carlos and

Michael. Okay, I was calling about

the TV you had. Oh, I don't

know. This old man Michael has it.

But, Michael, you have the telly?

I think I said the wrong number.

No, she has a question about the telly.

Go ahead.

Ask him.

Yeah, I was wondering if you still had the TV you wanted to get rid of.

No, I'm afraid of that.

You're lying.

Yeah, he's lying.

Don't take that from him.

Tell him more aggressively.

He's got Alzheimer's, ma'am, and you have to be aggressive with him.

Yeah.

We're going to have to ring him back.

Yeah, we'll have to call him back.

He gets confused.

okay this time like a sort of a force you say no michael say michael no like that michael

don't hang up michael tell him don't hang up yeah michael no no michael no no hang up no

no he's forbidden he's having problems with his medication how are you honey honey baby

i'm fine how are you okay if he uh cooperates i'll have to call you back or something okay

okay thank you telly telly will be free yeah it will be free it's a good one too okay it's a big

tv it came from the staple center the staple center yeah all right where you guys from are

you from oregon or something yeah originally okay oh okay we uh we lived with arby for a while

from oregon america's canada all right all right see you later bye i won't talk to you

God, don't you hate it when they think it's funny

and they just want to stick around and hang out?

What the fuck, man?

I know.

She doesn't even sound cool.

Here's David Alton.

No, I got to take a break, man.

I got to take a piss.

I got an old lady in the UK to make a prank call with me.

It was pretty funny.

Yeah?

How'd it go?

Was it good?

She didn't know she was making a prank,

but she talked to the other person for a while.

I love doing that.

You know, we were just trying to do that right now.

All right.

You guys can hang on if you want.

I'm going to be playing a pair of pranks.

while i go pee and fill up my water don't go anywhere all right so when we come back i've

got more numbers in the uk including david alton all right i'm gonna go piss too oh good it's a

good time for that yeah me too uh we have some swap shop customers we love them always fun to

do those we have 48 replies to uh craigslist ads we can try to get some people to call back

back after i say fuck you motherfucker right yeah all right uh and more i'll be right back in about

five minutes this is carlito we are starting the second part of the show thank you everyone for

hanging in there i'm sorry i know i said five minutes and it was 12 more than 12 jesus i'm

sorry okay i was hungry i wanted to eat with me in the line still is uh baz polka zolar vision.com

and ken dwight what's up guys oh hang on hang on hang on hang on hang on hang on okay now i got

you guys whoops sorry stupid all right hi guys yeah all right here's someone calling in for

furniture motherfucker hello yeah hi yeah i was wondering if uh i was wondering if you know what's

the matter with you son i'm wondering if you still have that tv the tv yeah okay why are you so

so nervous what's the matter you okay honey what are you okay honey why are you so nervous honey

yeah why are you so nervous honey i'm sorry you sound like you were nervous you were stuttering

what's wrong baby okay you're back hey man come on no no no that's not cool man what that's not

cool man i'm calling about the tv yeah i know i have the tv man that's not cool what you said

you call me the f word bro that's not cool come at me man why are you calling me honey i didn't

know i don't know if you were a woman or a man you're just like a child of god bro i was like

hey honey honey baby okay put that bitch on the phone motherfucker poo butt motherfucker

hey uh ken before i forget did you get that video i sent you on uh skype i messaged you earlier

today yeah i watched it their youtube channel is full it's like these uh ugandan fucking dudes

that make these weird shitty comedy videos i'm going to test you out on my uh black sofa here

yeah they got all the videos have the same black sofa in it fucking cream street three right there

on the sofa yeah there you go zolar when was your most recent youtube release do you even hit that

up uh commonly anymore what what am i talking about youtube videos yeah yeah do you do you

keep it oh you just put one up there yesterday yeah yeah okay okay all right i don't know what

I think it's Zolar Vision Pranks.

I'm not really sure what the link is.

Carlito, check out the message I sent to, I think the account you're on now, about our buddy JDF.

Okay.

He has baited his fans into leaving more phone numbers for us.

Yeah, I saw that, and I heard two of them last night, I think, out of the ones that were going on last night.

Oh, these are fresh ones from today.

Oh, sweet.

Okay, cool.

Unk has formatted them and everything.

He confirms 108 fresh numbers.

Nice.

Okay.

Oh, my God, 108?

Holy shit, man.

Okay.

So, Zolar, do you know who Jason David Frank, I'm sorry,

you know Power Rangers?

Oh, no.

Yeah, I know the Power Rangers, but I don't know the actors' names.

Yeah, well, he was the Green Ranger, right?

And I guess what?

So his fans kept posting their phone numbers for him to call them.

and these guys have been messing with the fans calling them instead because they're posting it

publicly on facebook hey real quick so you get it right okay good here's someone calling about

furniture hello hello hello hello hello come in hello hello hola and that's when i busted a nut

on that sofa yeah puta madre hey how are you hello and he hang him he got scared he heard

english speakers he got scared i guess he heard green goes he's like oh shit fuck that man

so that's hilarious you call up fans and you make believe you're the green power ranger and shit

yeah these guys say a bunch of weird fucking shit all the fucking time oh man what he's

flipping ambulances and all that shit all right anyway listen give me a second here

don't show up with the video did i lose skype are you guys still there yeah still there okay

why am i not seeing those numbers what are you or are you sending them uh ken ken ken

It's not answering.

Great.

I don't like this song.

Let me skip it.

All right, we'll wait for Ken to deliver those numbers.

Here's David Alton, who I said I was going to call earlier.

Where's David?

I need to talk to him.

Hello?

I need to talk to David.

David?

I need to talk to David.

Who are you?

I'm Chris.

You've got the wrong number.

No, I'm Chris.

I'm an asshole.

I want to talk to David.

David who?

Alton.

And you're who?

I'm Chris.

I'm an asshole.

asshole i'm a stupid fucking asshole you know my name's chris i'm zolar's friend his best friend

that'll get you hung up on every time it's 1 a.m i have to do something thank you for inviting me

on for the time that i've been here i've had fun and uh to everybody else out here uh i'll catch

you next time call it goes on okay bye love you man i'll see you later all right good night

everybody thank you all right bye john aldrift in england ken are you there dwight ken buddy

this is gonna buy a beer no answer there here's someone calling about furniture i think

yes hello yeah i'm calling strong to carlos yeah how can i help you i was calling about

your 42 inch plasma tv yeah and what about it um yeah perhaps uh are you hispanic yes

Oh, no, then we don't have it anymore.

You fucking racist, prick-ass motherfucker.

Look, look, I just, I'm...

Oh, shit.

It says there's a limit on how long it can be.

On how long it can be, yeah.

Hey, RBCP's here.

Hi, Carlito.

Hi, I'm calling my guy back.

Now that stupid Zolar's gone, I'll get on.

We got a fucking problem there, buddy.

was horror left he said night this motherfucker i fuck his woman good hello hey what happened

why is he upset who is this oh this is the guy with the tv why is that guy upset what's the

matter oh my husband i think because he i think he thought you were racist oh well he no i was

are you um were you wanting the tv i don't know why he said that i don't know why he said that

okay oh do you oh here he's apologizing huh hello yeah i'm sorry i didn't know i'm sorry

i don't know i'm sorry i think you misunderstood me i'm sorry you asked me if i was hispanic and

i told you yes and you said that you don't you don't longer have a tv oh i was confused i'm

sorry i thought you said you were something else no i'm an hispanic a mexican puerto rican or cuban

that's that's disgusting huh that's disgusting that's disgusting yeah what

Then what the fuck are you, homie?

You're like the worst of everything about this country.

Then what the fuck are you, a fucking white?

cracker and shit? No, I'm Scottish and

Nordish. Huh? I'm a cracker.

I'm Scottish and Nordish.

You guys are Vegas crackheads.

That's nice, because I'm chopping a nice

white piece of ass that's married

to me. Yeah, well, she's a race trader

and she's going to hell. It's going to burn in hell.

She said fuck her own race too, motherfucker.

You nasty motherfucker.

Fuck you, man.

Oh, shit.

Hey, call her back and let me try to reason with her.

Carlito, that was racist.

That was racist. I love racism.

Don't drop all the numbers.

I haven't dropped all of them. I saved

some of them. I have them for a hood rat

shit. For a cigarette, I'm going to listen in.

BRB. Yeah, except Chris right there

says he's going to call all those numbers before you call

him. He's going to fuck us over. Oh, fuck, man.

Take him from the conversation.

No, keep him in. I don't care.

Hello? Hey. I don't know why

that guy's being unreasonable. My buddy was

just making a point. Why are you

hanging up on my buddy, you motherfucker?

Motherfucker.

Man, shut the fuck up, man.

I'll call the cops and have them trace this motherfucking number down.

And get your ass for terrorist threats.

Terrorists?

I want you to meet me at the Walmart.

Where's Walmart?

What fucking Walmart's close enough to you?

I'm at Walmart.

Shop at Canada and Pecos, homie.

All right, motherfucker.

Here's what we're going to do.

Me and you, we're going to meet in the men's room.

Yeah, I don't do none of that bag shit, homie.

We're going to have a slap fest.

Like I said, I'm a fucking solid cop.

Hey, put your wife on the line.

What is the fucking pants, you piece of shit?

Put your woman on.

You sound like a...

I was going to tell him he sounds like a homosexual.

Well, I don't know.

He said he don't do that faggot shit.

Yeah.

He's in the closet, then.

I didn't do that.

No more white pussy for him.

Is that the same guy?

Yeah.

Fuck it.

Let me talk.

I'm a doctor.

Doctor.

Yes, hello.

This is Dr. Baz.

I'm calling to speak with the gentleman that my associates were speaking with.

I think I might be able to help him with some issues.

Help him with what?

Some issues that he might be dealing with.

You can talk him through these.

Sounds like he might have some latent homosexual tendencies.

I know.

My husband's on the phone right now with Metro.

Why?

Oh, the bus company?

Why is he calling for a bus?

Because he's Mexican.

Yeah, obviously.

Hello, how can I help you?

This is Cross.

Hey, how can I help you, handsome?

Hey, baby.

Yeah, how can I help you, baby?

What's up?

Oh, yeah, I totally do, sexy.

Yeah, were you interested in it?

Oh, what was your name?

Donna.

Oh, you're black, right?

Yeah, the TV's already, you know, we already gave it out.

I'm sorry.

All right, he didn't react.

It's better with Hispanics because you can blame it on the accent.

So how many people do you reckon?

What's that, sir?

I was going to say, how many people do you reckon

have threatened to call the police tonight?

It seems like almost every call.

It's been really big, and I'm a little concerned about it also.

To be honest with you.

Fuck, man.

We should have Unk do one of these JDF calls.

It's morphin' time.

Yeah.

All right, let's do the JDF calls.

These are my first JDF calls.

These fuckers about to ejaculate when he gets on the phone.

Is he back?

Unk, are you back?

Didn't you step away?

He stepped away, right?

You said he was going to do everything.

Yeah.

He's having a smoke.

so does he really sound like because i heard that last night i guess i guess he kind of sounds he's

the closest out of any of us and he plays it really well yeah but they fucking buy it man

funny we had one girl like she i swear to god her granny panties got moist as hell when he

started saying it's morphin time she's like oh my god you did it

brad pitt kissed her in the cheek or something and then he got her to send uh a picture of herself

self like a couple different poses uh to turbo's email so we can send the picture mail over to jdf

cell phone yeah okay let me call george i'm with jdf's advanced team i guess while we wait

your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system come on man you gotta pick

up man i'm never gonna try it again kyle instead kyle that's a good white name the number you

dialed is not a working way to post a non-working number dumb dumb so are you're certain that jd

that jdf he is like really like he's into it and he's trying to help you guys out and get numbers

no he's not into it he's just he's like i'm gonna call my fans i'm giving back to my fans

post your number or he's you know i'm gonna call you guys and all of them are like throwing their

fucking numbers down call me call me a lot of noise online today it's on my end if we can get

enough jdf calls done like quality ones and burnt to a cd or whatever i will go to motor city con

In May

And fucking give him

The CD

Yeah

You think he'll be into it

Probably

I don't know if he'll be into it

We don't listen to it

Yeah

Can we help you

You were calling

We're in the middle of

Yeah

I don't know

If you ain't crazy my friend

You got TV

What

TV

You call us

Hey

Hey buddy

Hey how you doing man

I'm good

You speak Spanish

Yeah

Oh okay

No we don't have the TV anymore

Oh you don't

You don't have no more

Oh okay

Well if you speak Spanish

Then we don't

Oh okay

Okay.

Because I'm a racist.

All right, thank you.

I'm a racist.

Huh?

I'm a racist.

Secure the borders.

All right, man.

Hello?

Call from...

Good job.

To accept, press 1.

To send a voicemail, press 2.

This is for you.

This is for you, man.

Hello?

Yeah, it's great.

Yeah?

Hi.

I thought you were out on Craigslist.

Yeah?

Who's this?

My name is Melody.

Oh, you were calling for Carlos, right?

Okay.

Yeah, I have that stuff on Craigslist.

Do you speak Spanish?

No.

Okay.

Are you Hispanic?

No.

Should I be?

Well, if you are, then we probably wouldn't give you the furniture.

I probably wouldn't give you the furniture.

Does it help that I'm white as snow?

Yeah.

Beautiful.

White.

Yeah.

You'd be blessed with that.

Hello?

I'm an unknown caller.

If you accept, press 1.

To send a voicemail, press 2.

Hello?

What's that?

How can I help you?

Hello?

How can I help you?

Carlos?

Yeah?

Are you giving away a TV?

Yeah.

do you still have it uh yeah what was your name uh donovan okay yeah she marley's on the line

what's your name woman donovan yeah and he's calling about the tv okay yeah yeah all right

that's awesome so trippy man yeah man that's crazy like i'm i'm so yeah carlos is selling a tv

and a bedroom set they should move in together and then they would have a whole set yeah and

And you guys are both white, right?

You guys can make white babies.

Oh, beautiful white babies with nice white features, Caucasian features.

Look like Brad Carter.

Handsome like Brad Carter, you know?

So what do you say, guy?

You want to take the melody out for a drink or what?

Hey, buddy.

Come on.

She's really hot.

I guess not.

Well, he can just sit there.

She's white, so it's a bonus.

It's a bonus.

Big fun.

All right, so I guess we have furniture and a TV being offered on Craigslist now.

Hello?

Hey, hey, what's up?

What do you want, motherfucker?

Whoa.

Don't be shy.

Can I get, uh, can I get a fire regular Doritos, Locos, taco?

Can I get two of those?

Oh, it's the guy that I offended earlier.

That guy.

Hey, man, what's up?

Hey, what's up?

Can I get, uh, let me get an extra large mountain mango.

Okay, yeah, we'll get right.

There's that brisk.

It's hilarious, yeah.

That's a little funny.

We did a dinner at the Mexican consulate yesterday.

That was funny.

thank you so much oh he's actually at the he's ordering what do you do butt dialers

you fucking dumb ass yeah i got the tv i got the tv buddy what's up is it for sale or is it for

free or is it it's for free but only if you're white i am white lying motherfucker i'm cock

cajun yeah you're full of cock i know that you're cock you're fucking dumb dude he's got a ass full

of cock but that's that's a good one though free tv and fucking banana and eastern probably doesn't

even work no it's perfect it's hd uh lcd and plasma both yeah we don't play with the caucasians

we only sell to the blacks he dropped i think right did he drop yeah we had a call in the middle

of a fucking taco bell order i know right dumbass i thought he was talking to me making fun of me

yeah we called the mexican consulate yesterday and fucking start ordering mexican food

Hello, this is Donnie.

Can I help you?

Hello?

Can I help you, Donnie?

Who is this?

You were, you texted me, remember?

You texted me about the Craigslist ad.

Yeah.

Can I help you?

What was this in regards to?

You texted me about an ad.

Okay, what was the ad?

TV.

Yeah.

Do you still have it?

Yeah.

Can I come pick it up?

You want to come see it?

You want to see it?

You want to watch a movie on it?

You know, with a name like Donnie, I'm sure he wants to see it.

Hey, you guys have a good night, right?

Yeah, it's only free if you can take a dick.

He can't take the dick.

Here's someone else calling.

Any of you want this?

Go ahead.

One, two, three.

Sure.

Hello.

Yeah, Carlos there.

No, Carlos stepped out.

This is Dwight.

Okay.

I was just calling about the TV that he had.

Is it still available?

It depends.

Can you tell me what nationality you are?

I'm American.

Yeah, you sound a little Hispanic there, pal.

I sound what?

A little Hispanic.

Hispanic?

I'm German and Irish.

French is my last name, bro.

Possibly a little black, too.

Sounds like you might have a little jungle bunny in you.

German and Irish and...

And he sounds like he's got a gay, too.

And Mexican.

He's got the gay.

I'll tell you what.

You can have this TV for free.

I got this asshole named Lysol hanging around my building.

on your way out with the TV.

As long as you punch him in the fucking mouth,

you can have it.

All right, I'll be right over.

You don't have my address.

Do you want to give me the address?

Yeah, I think you need that.

Yeah.

Now, my address is 125 Elm Street.

Elm or Holmes?

Elm.

ELM?

Yeah, I live over there in fucking old man Kruger's house.

That's what I was saying.

I was thinking that's in New York, bro.

That house is actually in New York.

No, but that house that you're talking about

is actually in New York.

The fuck are you talking about?

My house isn't in New York.

Fuck you laughing about?

That's a long-ass trip for a free TV.

125 Elm Street, what is that?

Are you on the fucking poppers

or something tonight, pal?

Am I on who?

The poppers.

The losing your asshole.

No, no, no.

No poppers.

I'm trying to make a serious transaction here

and you're running around

sounding like a fucking pedophile.

Yeah, I don't think so.

you've been diddling the kids

eh

fucking chomo

no no not I brother

I don't mess around like that

give me your social security number I'm going to run a check

you don't want to do that

I got to check your credit

to get this free TV

my credit is not that great that's why I'm looking for a free TV

I can't afford it

you're going to have to fight this fucker

what that

yeah I got this asshole over here

Here, he's got some chickens.

You're going to have to lay a bet down in order to get this free TV.

I just ate a Lean Cuisine so fast.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, you got to step in the ring with these fucking chickens.

They're fighting chickens.

You got to kill one of them to get the TV.

You have no idea how fast I just ate this Lean Cuisine, man.

It was roasted peppers that had beef tips in it and, like, carrots.

The guy talking, that's my houseboy.

Little corns.

Oh, shit.

So it's 125 Elm Street?

Fuck yeah, it's Elm Street.

Fucking chicken again.

When you knock on my door, don't ring my doorbell.

Knock on my door and then go coo-coo.

There ain't no fucking game there, buddy.

Knock on your door and then go coo-coo.

God damn right, you got it.

All right, brother.

Be here.

What time are you going to be here?

Because it's getting late.

I got to see how far away you are from here.

What's your zip code?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I'm in fucking North Las Vegas.

Come on, buddy.

Yeah, I'm in desert in the eastern area.

Get it done and get over here quick

These are my favorite

These motherfuckers right here are my favorite

Don't be bringing any children and shit over to my house

These goats have tight assholes

Oh god they're so tight and warm

You guys are a trip

Especially when you put them near a cliff

And they sit backwards

Buddy you come get this TV

We'll let you fuck one of them goats

I don't even want to talk to you

I already have my chair goats bro

So, I'm good.

Yeah, I'm good.

I'm a fucking goat.

You're a sick motherfucker.

I'll do all that, sorry.

You need to go to the Church of the Machine.

You need to find some fucking help.

Yeah, they tried that already.

The machine rusted for your sins.

God damn.

I'm a fucking just wanting to hang on.

We got Unk back, though, for a JDF call.

Hi.

Welcome back.

Hello.

Hey, y'all.

You ready for a JDF shit?

These guys love it.

I love it, too.

Yeah, I love it.

All right.

We did Kyle hit and pick up

Jack Asbury, the third.

He said he was a fan

since I was a child.

Alright, is that near the top?

Uh, yeah.

Hey, do you want me to be your manager and introduce you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hello, how you doing?

Good. What's your best name?

Jack Asbury, the third.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic...

Fuck him.

Alright, instead...

Oh, cooey cooey, what the hell is that?

And this is, whatever, Thomas Arndt, next one on the list.

Boom.

Words of inspiration would be awesome for my number one hero.

Yeah, go for it, Baz.

Hey, is this Mr. Thomas Arndt?

Yes, can I help you?

Yes, my name is David Snodwell.

How are you doing this evening, sir?

Good, how are you?

Yeah, I've got a really good surprise for you today.

I am Jason David Frank's manager.

And, yeah, you had forwarded your phone number to him.

And I do have Mr. Frank on the phone right now, and he would like to talk to you.

That would be an honor.

You know, there's a couple of things that I need to get out in the open first.

A few ground rules here.

Mr. Frank has been under a lot of stress lately, so he's wound up pretty tight.

So just try not to piss him off too much.

You know, he's got a bit of a temper on him.

and under no circumstances

whatsoever do not mention

any drugs of any kind

especially painkillers

those are trigger words for him

he is dealing with some issues

right now and do not

mention chickens at all

because the charges are still pending

and that would set him off as well

so can you abide by these rules

ok alright

I'm going to patch you through here

hold on one sec

hello yes yeah that um thomas aren't on the line for you um go hey hey thomas how's it going

great it's not don't you don't flatter me don't flatter me it's great um so how are you how are

you doing tonight man um i'm actually doing really well um i've uh meditation today being in touch

with a lot of friends family and a lot of people that care about highly about you and you go to

to them and get in touch with them. It's true right now.

Yeah, oh yeah, man.

I'm sorry, I've got line issues right

now, and there's this weird echo thing.

Can I call you back in a couple minutes?

I'm sorry. Oh, is it now? I just turned off

my speakerphone. I'm sorry. Yeah, why don't you

play that real quick? Okay, is this a lot better now?

This is Mr. Snozzwell again.

Yeah, we're getting some kind of

a repeat. Yeah, there's a

reverberation. Just so you know that

I don't consent to you recording my phone call.

Okay, yeah, if you want to call me...

Aw, now Skype just completely crashed.

What the fuck?

Thank you, Skype.

Hang on, guys.

Let me play a song.

I'm fixing it now.

All right, I think I got it fixed here.

I'll just get everybody back here.

Hello.

Hey, sorry.

Hey.

Can you paste those numbers back again?

Of course.

Please, thank you.

Notice Thomas Arndt.

Well, he's very excited.

Did I miss anybody?

Is Brad still with us, or did he step out?

He stepped out.

He quit.

All right, we'll get those numbers here in a second.

Okay, yeah, let me move to the living room

Okay, he's moving to the living room

While I look at the next number

Well, actually, we should call the last guy back

And that was Thomas that picked up, right?

Yeah, Thomas Arndt

He's probably like, oh no, man, no, my hero

I thought he was going to start questioning it

When Baz was like, don't mention the painkillers

And try not to piss him off, alright?

I'm sorry about the connection problems tonight

It's been bad

I always try to pass off the drug issue

Saying that he had a leg injury

and he's coming off of the painkillers.

Just tell him not to mention

the rest stop incident.

You're sleeping in a tent.

And don't mention chickens at all

because the charges are still pending.

Don't mention the rest stop incident.

You back, Unc?

You safe in the living room?

I loved this fucking music.

They put so much sodium

in those. I can feel it in my mouth.

In those microwavable

fucking meals.

Healthy choice my ass, man.

the same way with the pizza rolls i bought earlier but they're fucking good i got fucking

tostinos uh 40 count packages of pizza rolls for $1.97 each today they're 40 40 count yeah the big

the big bags wow wow i would buy it because i would just dude buy more and freeze them bro at

that i do i bought fucking three packages today i bought the springs i bought the jalapeno popper

ones and the fucking buffalo ones i gotta get how do you get them for two bucks each that's

really good the grocery store over here fucking had them on sale for a buck 97 i was like fuck

yeah shit i got 12 packs of pop tarts today for 97 cents each nice i love pop tarts what flavors

cherry uh strawberry nice the kellogg's pop tarts like i saw they were going on sale at this place

for 197 and like two days before that fucking kellogg sent me a coupon for a dollar off of each

I was like, are you kidding me?

Fucking sweet.

Wow.

Here's someone calling about the furniture.

And strawberries are the only flavor that's good.

Or s'mores.

Hey, honey.

Hello.

Hey, honey.

Hi, is this Carlos?

Yeah, it's us.

Okay, hi.

I saw your ads on Craigslist.

Oh, yeah.

Did you, honey?

That's nice.

I'm sorry, what?

Yeah, we got a funny little thing going on here.

We're just lying around.

Naked.

What are you calling for?

What the fuck are you calling for?

Is this Carlos?

Yeah, it's me.

I'm Carlos, I'm the leader of the gang

Oh, Carlos

We're a gay gang

We stole his shit and we're trying to fucking give it away

Because the police are hot on our ass

Yeah, man

Okay, you have a good night, brother

Don't fuck you

Oh, fuck yeah

He's thinking about it

Okay, better call Thomas back

He's probably wetting his pants

Oh, shit, yeah

He's not gonna call back

He's over there fucking here

I'll tell him that

Jason had an episode

and we just talked him down

and he's calm enough to

He's a little high strung

but just be very careful

Hey everybody

Hey man what's up Ice Goose

Tell him that you

Dwight tell him that you talked

JDF down

and he just wants to call back to apologize

Uncle Dwight

talked him down

I'll start it off as the manager again

Yeah, there you go.

Well, tell him that he broke a phone because he got disconnected.

Tell him that his Uncle Dwight had to talk him down.

Well, Thomas, this is David Snozzwell again.

I apologize for the disruption in the call.

We had a little issue with the phone line,

and fortunately Jason, he lost his temper and he broke the phone.

He actually threw it up in the air and did a roundhouse kick

and sent it through the drywall.

His Uncle Dwight's here, and he's talked him down

and jason is ready to uh to talk to you again um can i put him through to you okay hold on let me

patch him through okay jason i've got the uh the guy back on the phone thomas and um please try to

control your temper yeah i'm sorry i'm sorry uh thomas thomas yeah i'm so sorry about that the

line went dead and i just i just got super angry and i was like why doesn't anything work so i just

took my phone and i just kicked it just kicked it straight into the wall anyway i'm sorry man

And sometimes, you know, you just get a little, you know, wound up too tight and just things

get a little crazy, you know?

Oh, absolutely.

Yeah.

So how are you, man?

Like, you know, do you got any questions for me?

Like, you know, how's it going?

Um, well, I know I said earlier, probably what grabbed attention was, uh, I was looking

for a word of inspiration and, uh, you know, just had some ups and downs recently and I

just wanted to say you've had some good ones.

Okay.

Okay. Well, I got some good inspiration. Um, uh, let me see. Let me see. I gotta, I gotta,

I gotta look something up cause I gotta just make sure I get this right. Um, cause I, I just,

I like, it's really good advice. So I'm so sorry about that, man. Like, you know, I think like to

be inspirational, it's just like, you know, empathize with people and give maxims of like,

you know, the best parts of lives. And, you know, I just, I, you know, I just want,

I just want you to, like, know that you're a valuable human being, and if it wasn't for people like you, I, Jason David Frank, couldn't be the man he is today.

i mean like i owe a lot of that to you and you know sometimes i lose my my anger and

and sometimes I kick bones, and sometimes I, you know, I punch the drywall through,

and sometimes, like, I yell at my wife and scream at my daughter

because she doesn't pick up her wet towels.

And, you know, it's like, but, you know, I just got to keep it bottled up,

and that's why I tattoo myself so much, like, because it really gets away with the pain.

Yeah, tattoos are awesome, man.

Yeah, tattoos are just so nice, man.

Like, I just...

I actually plan on getting a duality coin of the green ranger coin with the white ranger coin side by side,

kind of representing, you know, the bad going into the good, into the light, you know?

Right on, yeah, right on. That's awesome symbolism there.

That's great, man. I love it. I love it, man.

And I love your adoration for me, because it makes me feel like, you know, I am valuable in society.

society and you know that's that's what's that's i think that's my like advice um that you know my

inspiration thing is it's like be valued by somebody and that somebody should be yourself

because i'm jason frank and like you know you just gotta like you know you just gotta be you

and like be be a hero to you like i'm jason dave and frank i'm a hero to millions but like i'm a

hero to me you know because i like i like i mean i beat back rita repulsa you know and i like i

I, like, beat the shit out of Goldar, and, like, I had the fucking Dragonzord, you know, I'm a bad motherfucker, you know, like, I'm Jason David Frank, yeah, so it's, like, I think, I think that would be, like, it would be, like, good, okay, so here's the advice I have, my words of inspiration, okay, never interfere in a boy and girl fight, beware of whores who say they don't want money, but, hell, they don't, what they mean is they want more money, much more, and then this is a good one,

if you're doing real business with a religious son of a bitch get it in writing his word isn't

worth fuck worth shit not with the good lord telling him how to fuck you on the deal and then

avoid fuck ups you all know the type anything they have anything to do with no matter how good it

sounds turns into a disaster don't offer sympathy to the mentally ill tell them firmly i am not paid

Aid to listen to this drivel.

You are a terminal fool.

Now, some of, yeah, you know, it's just kind of like, you know,

I mean, these are from, like, a personal hero of mine,

William S. Burroughs.

Like, have you ever read any of his writing?

No, but I definitely want to look it up now.

Yeah, yeah, you should look up Naked Lunch.

It's a really great, great book.

Like, if you can, you can just pirate the audiobook

because, like, that's how I roll.

I'm Jason David Frank.

Like, I have sick cars, but I don't pay for anything.

anything right yeah i just i just like pirate stuff because i can you know but you should

listen we all we all do it man i ain't gonna lie about it i'll be very humble and honest about it

because yeah you know i appreciate your realism because nowadays you can't even get it from the

people that you've known most your life you know yeah exactly exactly and it's like people are

seasons you know they'll come in and out of your life but like the good ones will stick around and

when they go that it's fine you know because they'll die everything dies like that's the part

part of being human is to make, like, life

worth living. I mean, Jesus didn't tap, you know?

Right. Yeah.

Yeah. I like, I do

like your idea for the tattoo, though.

I think if I had one thing to add

to it, I would make it say,

fuck bitches, get money. You know what I'm saying?

No, don't do that.

Dwight, Dwight, I'm with, I'm with, I'm with

Thomas, okay? Like, just,

thank you for... Where's that eight ball?

It's, it's in the kitchen. I'm sorry?

No, I'm sorry. Uncle Dwight, Uncle...

Sorry, I'm breaking in for a minute.

This is David Snozzwell again.

Thomas, I warned you about the trigger words,

so I'm going to give you a warning here.

Okay.

Yes, please watch what you say to Jason.

Who are you guys talking to?

I'm talking to Thomas.

Uncle Dwight.

Uncle Dwight, go back to your kitchen.

Is it going to be for the hookers?

Uncle Dwight, go back to the kitchen.

Dwight, I'm talking with a fan.

Oh, fuck you guys.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Uncle Dwight.

Hey, no need to apologize.

You know, he's my wife's uncle.

Just Tammy's uncle.

I definitely appreciate all the inspiration and everything.

I'm sorry, my attorney, Mr. Snozzwell.

No, I'm the manager.

Sorry, manager.

He's mine as well, my attorney.

But he doesn't like that I say I pirate things,

so you're going to have to, like, not tell anyone that I pirate stuff.

But, I mean, like, you can totally do it.

Anyway, but yeah, look that up, Naked Lunch.

There's also a movie of it, too.

You should watch that movie.

It's like a great movie.

Yeah, and it's super inspirational.

It's like the most inspirational film I think I've ever seen.

It's like the Citizen Kane of inspirational films.

Wow, that's amazing.

Yeah, yeah, so check out Naked Lunch.

Oh, and then also he wrote a book called Junkie,

and you should read that or listen to it read by him.

It's really good.

Thomas, I told you, don't bring up drugs.

Junkie. Jason!

Jason!

I did not.

There's a five gallon

container of lube

above the Girl Scout cookies.

Is that for anything special or can I use it?

Yeah, just go for it,

Dwight. I'm sorry. I'm just a little wound up.

I totally remembered that.

Just take the lube and go to the bedroom.

I'm going to turn the stairs into a

fucking slip and slide.

Sometimes I just can't deal with this shit.

it possible sometimes i'll take care of them i just want i'll take care of them if you ever need

someone to talk to man i'm definitely here for you i can be as real as you i'm sorry it's just

these painkillers that's what junkie's about it's about heroin addiction um i just gotta kind of

like you know compartmentalize that information just now sorry i'm on like the 12 step you know

because i used to be i used to be a junkie myself i don't know that's your word promise trigger word

No, no, no, I know. I'm explaining to my fan my past, okay?

Jason, Jason, I just did some poppers in a line of coke.

Kick me in my chest.

What? What the fuck?

Trust me, I'm not bringing it up.

Shut up, asshole. I don't want Dwight to kick me in the chest.

I'll kick you so hard right now, Dwight.

Just get out of here unless you want to really...

Yeah, I'm sorry, Thomas. Thomas.

Oh, no, no, Pete. No need to apologize, man.

It's just my crazy household right now.

No, this is what we're doing with my morphin' life,

is we're going to show, like, a lot of this stuff.

We're going to try to get a show on TLC.

We're going to try to knock that bitch Honey Boo Boo out of the park,

that little fat country girl.

She's an awful human being.

Just a sheerly awful human being.

Yeah.

Yeah, I saw the pine boards, man.

That was amazing.

Seriously.

Yeah, that was great.

You know, when I, like, jumped out of the plane, that was super sick.

I was just, like, breaking boards all the way down

because I'm Jason David Frank.

Like, I jumped out of a plane, and I broke boards all the way down

Because I'm a fucking mess

I'm Jason David Frank

I'm a hero to millions

I'm sorry

This is just me unfettered

Like I don't know

I've had a couple drinks

You know

I'm just

I'm just letting loose

Because I mean

I did the whole

Sacramento Comic Con

And now I'm just

Quick word Thomas

No mention of alcohol

Sorry this is David again

Yep

So you

You are coming to Detroit

For a Comic Con right?

Oh of course

I'm coming there

I'm coming there so hard

It's going to be great

Yeah

Yeah I'm going to put you

On the guest list

You should just show up

And say this is Thomas Arndt

And then my security guard is going to be, like, he's going to give you, like, a nod.

Like, he's going to, like, jut his chin up a little bit and look down at you.

And then you're going to look up at him, and you're going to nod as well.

And then he's just going to let you by, because that's how I roll.

I'm Jason David Frank.

I'm writing this name down right now.

Thomas Arndt.

I will remember that.

Yeah, definitely.

So, just, yeah, I mean, like, I should just send you some ranger suits.

Like, I got a couple of the, like, the studio ranger suits.

Would you, like, want one?

I mean.

i don't think i could fit in it but that was always definitely a dream i wanted to be a

power ranger for halloween so i mean you could probably fit in them i mean they made them they

made them pretty small or big i don't know i mean they're in all kinds of sizes there's a whole like

weird uh sub community of people that just like to dress up like power rangers and have sex and

shit it's weird like but i mean it's like japanese stuff it's like the super sentai stuff you know

Yeah, but I'll see him at the con.

I'll see you at the con, man.

That'd be awesome.

And, yeah, and, like, are you going to be dressed up?

Is there anything?

I got a couple Power Rangers shirts.

Yeah, wear a Power Rangers shirt

and make, like, a paper mache Power Rangers mask.

I actually have the Green Ranger poster

that you actually have in one of your photos I saw.

Right, right, that's awesome.

You should bring that and I'll sign it,

but you should also make me a paper mache mask as tribute.

And then I'll sign it, and then I'll put you on my Facebook wall page.

That would be awesome, man.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah, it would be super great.

Thomas, I'll give you a call some other time, okay, man?

Like, I really appreciate it.

Absolutely, man.

If I could be there for you, I could be there for anyone, man.

And just, like, right on Facebook, like, you know, you really enjoyed the call from me and stuff.

Because I want fans to just, like, you know, keep knowing that I love them.

Yes, this is David again.

Please do make a note on Facebook.

It's good for my anger.

Inspirational for the other fans.

Jason.

And check out William S. Burroughs.

Jason.

Dwight.

Uncle Dwight.

Yeah, I'm definitely going to write a post and pay how awesome this was and tag you in it.

Awesome.

Thanks so much, bud.

All right.

We'll talk to you soon.

And let people know that it's real.

Yeah, for sure, man.

For sure.

Let them know it's very real.

I'm very determined.

Uncle Dwight, get the goat out of here.

Get the goat out of here, Dwight.

out of here. Is Thomas going to pay for the hooker?

I support you 110%, man.

You need anything from me, I always have

your back. Alright, man. We'll give you a call

soon, okay, Thomas?

Is he talking about some homo shit?

Yeah, I got it. I got it, Dwight.

Homo shit? Alright, alright, alright.

Yes, Thomas.

This is David Snousewell again.

I think Jason has

had enough for one night.

But I want to thank you. You did help him out a lot.

If he has more of these types

of conversations with his

his adoring fans, he will be well on the road to recovery.

So I want to personally thank you, and please make a note of that on Facebook.

And Jason looks forward to seeing you at the convention.

Yeah, I appreciate it, and I appreciate the honesty,

and I would never, ever do anything to harm him because he's been an inspiration to me,

and I've been through similar problems myself.

I had my own problems, and I know we're all human.

I mean, haven't we all, haven't we all?

And I could never imagine being on a new caliber of having to hold that kind of strength in front of people.

I mean, I can understand those problems.

I mean, I've still got restraining orders.

I cannot get within 50 feet of any school so I can understand these problems.

So, yeah, he gets my support 110%.

And, you know, if you guys ever want to call me, I'm here.

I'm always here.

I'm off the next two days.

Well, we will.

We will definitely put your number on our list.

And you can look forward to more calls from Jason.

I appreciate that.

Okay.

Good night, sir.

You have a great night.

All right.

Yay.

Oh, shit.

You guys are on mute.

Oh, God.

Sorry, I forgot.

You guys were on mute.

Oh, shit.

Anyway.

Oh, God.

Well, I just introduced a fan to William S. Burroughs, so that's interesting.

There you go.

That's good, man.

That was a good one, Doc.

Good job.

Because he's going to be in for a world of eye-opening imagery if he watches that movie.

Yeah.

And he's gonna digest every single second of it

Because you told him

It's the Citizen Kane of inspirational films

Jesus came down to him and said

You must watch this

It's that level of shit

Oh man

I'm calling the next one

Let me try to explain

And then I'll put you if you want

Yeah totally

Damn

Okay next one

Gabriel has a whole story behind this

Going through a lot

Sister's having a baby

she's having a Power Rager

themed shower. Seriously?

They're like dorky juggalos.

Oh, what the hell?

They're like dorky juggalos.

Tell her you want to come to the baby shower

and you're going to kick his sister in the stomach.

Yeah. All these juggalos

are down to earth and shit.

These fuckers are crazy.

You should tell them the dragons got possessed

out of your soul or some weird fucking...

Quote some Nazi occult

fucking shit. I don't know.

Yeah, I'll do some of that shit.

You've been staying up

studying Nazism.

Staying up

studying Nazism all night.

Yeah, reading Michael all night.

You saw

Indiana Jones, whichever one

with the Nazis in it. You saw that.

You happen to have seen that on VHS.

It was super

inspirational for me.

It was just fucking wild, man. I haven't slept since

I fucking saw it. What other inspirational

like works of media

can I tell my fans

to have to watch

because there's

all kinds of ones

like uh

oh shit

cannibal holocaust

make them watch

some weird

world war

attack of the

killer tomatoes

um

toxic avenger

yeah toxic avenger

beetlejuice

yeah beetlejuice

yeah

how about the

afterlife

beetlejuice taught

you a lot

robocop 2

yeah

break into

electric boogaloo

Rambo

Shawshank

Shawshank Redemption

the first Rambo

first Blood

that was awesome

yeah but Shawshank

is a really good

good movie

and yeah

hey then you're

helping them out

a little bit

I could just say

it's a comedy

it's my favorite

comedy is

Shawshank Redemption

my favorite comedy

is Schindler's List

that's what I was

just about to say

Pearl Harbor

tell them

keep telling them

Pearl Harbor

was based on a

real story

yeah

tell them

Tell them you wept at the newest Superman movie.

I haven't seen the newest Superman movie.

Just tell them you wept at it.

Or the last Batman movie.

Yeah, I wept in the last Batman movie.

I wept openly.

I turned around in the audience so they could see it on the visage of Jason A. LeBron weeping openly.

You cried at the end of Titanic.

Yeah.

I'm a man, I'll admit it.

You know what I didn't cry at?

The first ten minutes up.

Because I'm hard like that.

I don't give away my emotions that early in a film.

Alright, we've got to get someone to answer.

We've got a lot of good ideas.

Austin.

Well, these assholes are always like,

when are you going to fight CM Punk?

Or when are you going to fight Van Damme?

And all of this shit.

That's like their biggest thing.

When I said I was GDF one time,

I told them I punched CM Punk in the fucking stomach and shit.

Yes, you're a rich, awesome man.

Please enter your password.

Then press pound.

okay uh austin no that's the one we just did chris here's chris chris ames

ta-da jdf will you call this number your call has been forwarded to an automatic

let's see it was just your call nope not not a triangulation all right this is el kukui

whatever what is this some kind of wrestler this is el kukui okay i'm jason david frank

his comment is i'm a kelly bro

I'm sorry, the person you were trying to reach has a voicemail box that has not been set up.

If you'd have waited a fucking second, it would have been.

Could have set it up as Jason David Frank.

Hi, you've reached Jason David Frank.

Doc, tell him about your favorite porno.

I could.

I'm sorry, the person you were trying to reach has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet.

Well, we'll let them do that in just a second.

This is on them, not me.

What did I?

Did you get in?

I couldn't hear.

Did you get in?

No.

Shit, man.

Oh, it's hung up.

I could have just looked.

Oh, well, I'm sorry.

Um, no, oh, coo-coo-ee.

I was kind of excited about that.

All right, Brandy, big girl.

What's that line?

I'm sure she's a stripper.

Fuck yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Hello?

Yes, hello.

Is that Brandy?

Yes, it is.

Hi, this is Cross.

I am Jason David Frank's manager.

I saw that you had posted you wanted to talk to him

he's in the studio now

was calling to see if I could maybe patch you through

he was recording some songs

I could put you through if you'd like to talk to him

sure

before I do that there's just a few

ground rules

he's had certain trigger words

he's coming off of addiction

an addiction problem I'm sure you know

so if he can refrain from talking

about painkillers especially

oxycodone and

And Percocet, don't bring that up.

And also, don't bring up the pending case from the rest stop in Kentucky,

because it's still pending litigation.

If you can do that, I'll put them through.

Okay.

Okie dokie.

Give me just a moment here.

Someone's going to have to dial that for me.

Did she hang up?

She hung up.

Yeah, what a bitch.

Oh, my God.

All right, you just talk to her, then.

Call her back and threaten her in some way.

Why would she do that?

Toilet.

I'll just talk to her.

She won't pick up.

She's scurred.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated...

Aw, smart girl.

Clever girl.

Alright, I'll just put you through, because that's, maybe it's too much.

Too over the top, maybe.

No, that was fine.

I have never heard anyone shut it down like that.

She just, like, bailed, like, toilet, like, nope, bye!

She's like, but I wanted to talk to him about those things.

I wanted to find out where to get Percocet.

And what happened in Kentucky

at that rest stop?

She's going to hold out.

Who's this one?

Where are we at? I don't know.

The next clickable one. Scott Hajama

Machiji. It would have been Aaron

Ruiz.

I'm trying Scott Hajama Machiji.

I don't think it's formatted properly.

I hope it's Scott.

I don't know what happened with that one.

People just add these weird numbers.

Here's DeAndre Black.

Oh, Scott didn't work?

No.

I wanted to talk to him about the vulnerabilities of that software.

Here's DeAndre Wilkins, guilty.

Oh, this guy.

This guy is a fucking MMA fighter.

I'm going to pry that out of him.

All right.

I'll be quick this time.

All right.

I won't be out with the talk.

Hello?

Hello, is that DeAndre?

Who is this?

Hi, this is Mr. Cross.

I'm Jason David Frank's attorney, his manager also.

I understand he was reaching out.

He's in the studio now.

Can I connect him to talk to you if you're interested?

it oh yeah okay excellent i just real quick because there's pending litigation um there's

just one ground rule do not bring up the arrest for indecent exposure that happened at the truck

stop in kentucky last week it's still pending litigation okay okay okay and i'll put them

through uh thank you hello jt david frank yeah hey how's it going man oh my god jesus

how you doing man man like my heart is racing like right now like you're my childhood hero

for when i was like and that's awesome that's awesome i would i would have been like 15 then

i don't know so long ago like yo i'm mad i'm really honored to be talking to you right now

like it i'm like fanning out like oh my god you got the vapors yes for real uh

Uh, you been smoking tonight?

No, I don't, no.

Okay, okay, well, that's cool, that's cool.

I mean, if you did, that'd be cool, too,

because, you know, I mean, you got unwind somehow.

Oh, my G, oh, my God.

I'm gonna tell my mom about this.

Yeah, of course, you should tell her.

You should tell her all the time.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, so, like, um, what's new with you, man?

Like, I mean, do you have any questions for me?

I mean, like, the last person I called wanted some advice,

like, some inspirational advice,

so I gave him some inspirational advice.

like do you want some inspirational advice or um or like do you want to talk about stuff like

questions and movies and like our feelings and stuff like like what did you okay when did you

started getting into martial arts as like when you were young or yeah it was when i was young

um my mom my mom uh she kind of she kind of had to like take care of me by myself

myself uh when my dad was out on his drinking binges um he would just like you know go home

for like i mean go away for like weeks on end my mom would have to like you know keep me occupied

so she put me into like the dojo and i would just fight i mean it was either that or the cats

and like the neighborhood kids she thought it would put me in the neighborhood dojo

so like i mean i had this like sensei his name was sensei tai um he was the biggest inspiration

in my life he was he was like a grand a grand shogun like i mean like that's what we called

him was grand shogun because he was just such a bad badass um it was like you know he's a proper

grand wizard you know he's just crazy but you know and so i'd fight a lot and so i'd get all

like super martial arts and like you know i did a lot of push-ups and then like the crew came along

and they were like hey you got some skills you want to come and like fight you know on the show

where you have to like fight these like clay people and i was like that sounds lame but i was

like but i could become a star and that's one thing i've always wanted to do is to become a star

celebrity so i was like yeah i'll do that i'll be on television um because like i i really like

people to know who i am so i went on television and i and i went out and you know i just i you

know kicked the crap out of everything and you know i totally like fooled around on the set did

all kinds of pranks um i was set with like you know amy joe because we were a thing for a little

while um for the accident um me and check one two check one two and ty i'm sorry hello i'm sorry

hello yes yeah i'm sorry hi this is mr cross i'm sorry it just looked like we were disconnected

it's okay i'm sorry i'm here i'll go back okay i'll go back i'm sorry yeah my attorney monitors

these calls to make sure i don't um expose too much of things going on in my life um i'm sure

he told you to not ask me questions about certain things i appreciate you not doing that um but

yeah i have no respect for you yeah i appreciate it i think it's well known um what everyone thinks

happened but i can't officially release a statement until after um certain you know

know procedures go through and stuff but you'll hear about it i'm sure i mean you read all about

when i got knocked off right you read my facebook page all the time so you know exactly exactly about

what i'm talking about right yeah of course um so yeah just you know don't ask any questions

about that i appreciate it um but like but like you know when i was on set um me and amy you know

the pink ranger we oh man we were like we would just go at it like crazy i mean we make out all

all the time, like, I mean, we would just, like, I mean, Bulk and Skull would stand watch, and we

totally, like, you know, like, play doctor, you know, like, Dr. Tommy Oliver, you know, because

that's, that's, you know, yeah, so it was, it was awesome, but the thing, the thing about it is,

like, she got pregnant, and I just really wish she hadn't done that. When she found out she was

was pregnant she um took a whole bunch of um sleeping pills she just drank a whole bunch of

liquor and then she just like just kept throwing herself onto a fire hydrant she was like just get

it out of me just get it out of me i don't want this thing in me and it just broke my heart because

it was like that was like my next iteration of myself because you know i have to pass on the

seed and that's what my daughter is is my seed she is the seed that will one day conquer the earth

in martial arts fandom.

I'm already training her to be like a golden fighter

and she will beat men twice her size

because she will be my seed.

I'm sorry, man.

It's been a rough night.

You know, there's been a whole lot of just stuff going on.

I just, I really, you know, children are the future.

They're our future, you know.

But Tammy doesn't see that sometimes.

Tammy keeps saying she might leave.

I don't know what to do with that.

I mean, part of me just wants to, like,

just grab her by the shoulders and shake her

and say, you're not going anywhere.

It's not getting better than this.

I mean, look at all the nice things I have and all the cars and, like, all the trips we get to go on.

And look at how, like, adorable our daughter is.

And you're not taking her from me.

And you know damn well as I do that you're not going to be able to win an attorney.

Not when I have Mr. Cross as my lawyer.

I'm sorry, man.

I don't mean to, like, unload all this.

It's just been really rough.

And sometimes I just like to tell fans, like, the real thing about me.

You know, just like the real Jason David Frank.

the one that has you know problems you know getting over you know certain things that he

did in the past or didn't do right and you know just just trying to keep living on and you know

that's why i keep like offering inspiration to people like i just want everyone to like

because it's like everybody wants to rule the world you know you know welcome there's no turning

back you know yeah i understand like i'm going through some stuff like i was in a really dark

workplace girlfriend left me didn't really do good in college now um i'm going into the navy

that's a step that i'm willing to take and right on right on what you doing in the navy um i want

to like work on mechanics nice did you already enlist uh yeah and right now i'm going through

the process that's cool that's cool i was gonna say you should do volunteer work if you need if

If you need a good pick-me-up, I recommend that a lot.

I like to help people.

It's

good.

A buddy of mine did, like, a year where he lived in a city,

and he, like, did a whole bunch of community service with people.

It was really cool.

So, like, you know, it's good.

Anyway, man, but I hope, like, when you're out in the Navy,

you can make sure that, like, flights don't go missing,

like that one in Malaysia, you know?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

So, like, you got any questions for me, man?

Like, I'm sorry.

I totally unloaded you on, like, all that stuff about me and my dad

and Amy Jo and all that.

and I feel like I've taken the wind out of your sails

and I totally don't mean to do that.

I can be that Superman for you if you want.

I can be that guy that jumps out of airplanes

and breaks a whole bunch of boards flying down.

I mean, that was pretty fucking awesome, wasn't it?

Jason?

Yes?

What is this tape I found?

Dwight, put that away.

It's Mark Private.

This is Amy Jo.

Yes, yes, Dwight.

It is me and Amy Jo.

Yes, that's what the video says.

It's all the highlights of our relationship.

relationship we got a vcr we got a vcr to play this one no nobody has vcrs anymore to fight

i don't know man do you have deandre do you have a vcr oh no well i'm trying to get like this out

to the press because i think i get a lot more facebook likes if people just like

you know saw my video of me and amy joe having sex you know that'd be pretty awesome right i

mean it's like a total like relationship video you know but like nobody's gonna yeah they're

just gonna crop it out to like be railing the hell out of her you know just like man and it's

just like dude it's everything you think it is with her like she is that gymnast you know she

is that like man every kind of position like up down hammer like clutch i mean just all kinds of

like soccer ball like twig i mean like dude there's some kinds of things she taught me like

like angry dragon horsey cat that i was just like man dude i don't even know the body could even go

like that but she went like that yeah dude so it's i mean it's it's dude i'm not gonna lie like

i've had a whole lot of trouble in my life too i mean ever since like i mean dude do amy joe when

she like you know killed my baby like she she was just screaming like i don't i don't want it in me

get it out get it out and like and i was just like what's going on and she just started like

speaking in tongues because she's like a pentecostal like so like that's how she speaks

like through the angels you know and i mean like i'm just like i'm just a big fan of the

the church machine you know like i'm just like you know just jesus and you know the robots and

all that it's just like but she's she's just like all angel speaking and just like and like just

like and she was and i was like dude cut it out you're not talking to angels and then she said no

they told me that if i birth this child it will lead to the end of man and i was like

like, you're crazy, Amy Jo, you're crazy, and I just shook her, just grabbed her by

the shoulder, and I just shook her, and I just said, Amy Jo, don't do this to me, anyway,

but, like, dude, in the good times, man, like, Amy Jo wrote on top of me and asked, how,

and I, oh, man, dude, and I said to her, I'm like, I'm like, how does it feel to ride

JDF, I'm fucking here at a million's, and she was like, it's so good, daddy, she liked

calling me daddy for some reason, it was super fucked, but, you know, we still see

see each other every once in a while and we we hang out and like you know there's a weird awkward

sexual tension because like i mean this girl let me explore all the holes like hit all the walls

like you know like she's a spinner i'll tell you that you know what that is right

so you got deepest sugar walls i think no you know man you know actually oh man so we've got

louisville comic-con coming up right and man amy joe is coming up there too so it's like the thing

is my fucking bitch wife is going to be here too so it's like you know and she super knows about

it like i've had to keep that tape for hidden forever and and dude and that's her uncle that

just found it like i've i've i've had that thing in like a pga training tape for a long time which

i mean is really ridiculous because i don't even have any tapes but who would look through a tape

anyway i mean it's fucking anyway sorry man anyway um so i'm gonna have to deal with that coming up

you know what i'm saying but like you know spinner that's the one where you like you know you put her

down on your on your on your you know your junk and then you like take her by the hips and then

you just twist her around twist her around twist around you know because like she's that small

and like that nimble that you can just like spin her around and then like you just like come so

deep inside her she was lying about being on jason yeah jason tammy just calls she wants you to go to

the store and garrison tampons wow see this who said who said that this is the andre he's he's a

fan of mine dwight you should get out of here okay what's this problem what do you say wow about

like he's a fan of mine okay just show some respect okay i'm trying to keep trying to keep

my life together right now can you loan me like two three hundred dollars of course he can't

he doesn't have money not like me now get back in your room give me anymore

I like the eight balls.

Put it in your wish list and we'll talk.

Can I get a fleshlight?

Yes, Dwight, just phone.

I'm sorry, it's Tammy's uncle.

Dwight, get the fuck out of here.

I will kick you so hard in this chest, I swear to God.

I will hammer punch your clavicle.

Alright, I'm sorry about that, DeAndre.

Dwight, can...

I want my pocket pussy.

Dwight, we'll talk about this later.

I swear...

Dwight, get that fucking chicken out of here.

I don't care.

I don't care if it's called Peck Peck.

Just get it out of here.

i'm sorry deandre i gotta i gotta deal with things i gotta go get tammy some tampons but

dude just write on facebook about like you know um i'm sorry dude my life is super my

morphin life is super crazy right now so like dude just just write like a comment on facebook

about like how you enjoyed this call or whatever you know i'm sorry like i have to be sure but

i'll give you a call some other time if that's cool and can like delete chat when things aren't

It's so hectic.

Oh, it's all good.

It's all good.

Do you know anyone that has, like, a VCR player?

Because I think you need to leak this fucking tape somehow.

Um, I think I do.

Well, we'll be in touch, right, DeAndre?

All right.

Hey, if you don't give me the hookers,

I'm going to call that guy that does your TV show, My Morphin' Life,

and I'm going to have him cancel it.

Hey, is this one of the Hodge twins?

You got one of the Hodge twins on here?

Take your shit.

Get these people out of here

Christ, Tammy, get the hell out of here

What are you doing here

I need T-A-M-P-O-T

DeAndre, just hang up the phone, I'm sorry

I hope this

Beacon sucks

Yes, I'm sorry, DeAndre, we'll talk soon

My bad, man, bye

And at some point, everyone was in the bathroom

At the same time

You know, this version

A version of Jason and David Frank will make the best fucking reality show in fucking history.

I know.

It would be so awesome.

It would be like anything ever.

Even like Gary Busey when I was fucking nuts.

I would love to do all these calls that his name, and like I said, just fucking roll up

to him at the Motor City Comic Con and be like, here, you might want to give this a

listen.

Like, hey, we kind of prank called a lot of your fans.

there's a picture there's a picture of the cd and he writes on his facebook this is fucked up

but he digs the fucking pranks because he's done them himself at cons you know what i mean like

he's got the videos out with him doing it for people like say hey you know people like go to

talk to him and they say will you prank call someone you know or whatever i guess i don't

know whatever's happening i mean they really are shitty pranks well the best one he did was what

when he called he's like hey man this is jason david frank i'd have your girl call you but

she's busy like that was like the best one he fucking did wow yeah everyone just was like

fucking yeah yeah that's so funny oh my god among men yeah did you hear the cat just now this dude

deandre he was like oh my god jesus jesus jesus yeah my heart is racing so fast yeah this is the

reception we get whenever we fucking call this jason david frank it's just like these people

will get so fucking euphoric yeah and then just slowly it kind of wicks away from them like that

you know this guy you know it's fine it's like start like trekkies don't get like that you know

what i mean no they don't they get excited but you don't hear them like oh my god jesus is calling

when spock you know when leonard nimoy calls you're just like oh what's up you know where

you go to a convention like what's up these guys are like jdf oh my god one of the first ones i

I did. We all know about

where the ambulance driver

I was talking to.

Yes!

He's like, I'm gonna go. I just keep

him in my car. I'm like, unlike my Facebook,

I don't want you fucking tracking me anymore.

I hope you flip that fucking ambulance.

I love that fucking shit.

And then he's like, dude, that's fucked up.

Yeah, he just was really, he was like, dude, that's

fucked up. He's like, yeah, you know, like

his hero, like, just shattered in front of him.

Oh, we've done that a lot.

We have shattered many dreams.

all right look here's a dude in puerto rico we can't like i was gonna say we've been doing this

for a while but it's funny and i guess you just i don't know what jason david frank sounds like

uh really but i would imagine you do like just hearing you you sound like a white guy

he sounds exactly like doc it's not a joke okay i mean not not like exactly

they never question as soon as aunt goes it's more for time like oh my god oh my god

Oh my god

Alright

Let's do Sean

In Puerto Rico

Oh

Puerto Rican

Yeah

Uh

Hey did we

Make all kinds of

Ignorant comments

About Puerto Rico

In the process

He's got my uh

Might be related to me

This guy

What's his name

Who's gonna lead me in

Sean

Sean Michael

Rosado

Colon

Colin

Sean

Colin

Yeah

He's right under DeAndre

He would've been funny

Shit

it is late there though yeah yeah it's it's yeah well hold it hold it yeah you know what i'm gonna

do i'm gonna get um uh my cousin she's like my sister she was raised like my sister uh she my

younger cousin her fiance i know was really into power rangers like his ringtone is all power

rangers his text message is a thing from the you know he's got that and i think he'd probably

I'm going to ask her to give me permission.

I have his phone number.

But to give me permission to call him.

I'm going to tell him.

Well, he knows about the show, so I'd have to figure it out.

I'd have to have her say it.

Like, hey, I got this guy.

I don't know if you'd like it.

Like to talk to him.

Because if I told him, he'd go, oh, no, you're pranking me.

Like, he knows.

He listens to you.

Anyway.

I'm going to do the next one.

Jesse White.

Jesse, I'm going to go on late tonight.

night i don't know were you guys wanting to do uh your hood rat shit at some point i don't know

i don't want to eat in your time you know let's hood rat shit oh you know yeah that's it that's

a conference what we do but we don't record anything and we don't stream it you want to

do hood rat shit on madhouse we can do i don't care but let's let's have fun tonight and we can

do hood rat shit on madhouse hello hey man uh excuse me i'm calling for jesse white i am jason

and David Frank's manager.

Oh, hi. How's it going?

Good. Thank you.

Yes, Mr. Frank is in the studio now.

He's recording some music for the Christian Rock album.

He wanted to speak to some fans tonight.

You came up.

Are you able to talk to him, or is it too late?

No, no, no.

Actually, I'm playing some video games right now.

But, yeah, I'm good to talk to him.

Excellent.

Real quick, just a couple ground rules.

Number one, don't bring up pain medication at all.

he is still recovering from

the oxycodone issue

so try not to bring it up

he has a few trigger words we don't want to

you know have him

have a relapse or an episode

alright

and don't bring up the

arrest last week at the

truck stop on the Pennsylvania Turnpike

in the

restroom for the

indecent exposure it's still

pending litigation

he can't talk about it okay

Because we're still trying to play.

But if you're ready, if you can agree to that,

I can put him through and I appreciate it.

Yeah, yeah, that'd be fun.

Okay, here you go. Thank you.

Hey, Jesse, how you doing?

How's it going?

Good. It's morphin' time, buddy.

Hey.

You don't sound that excited.

Nah.

He has a nice name.

It's JDF. It's Jewish Defense Force.

That's the name. He's a wrestler.

A wrestler named Jewish Defense Force.

Call that fucker back and let Ong talk to him and be like, dude, what the fuck?

Dude, what the fuck?

Tell him it was a prank.

Tell him we're just pranking you.

Leave a message.

He'll listen to it.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

He lives in Orlando. 407 represent.

At the tone, please record your message.

When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options.

Hey, Jesse, what's up, man? Why'd you hang up?

That was a practical joke.

me jason that's that's my uncle dwight we'd sometimes like to joke on our fans but i don't

know if you can't take it all right we'll talk to you later bud if you are satisfied with your

message press one you've pressed an incorrect key if you are satisfied with your message to send

your message with normal delivery press one to send your message thank you your message has been

a nice urgent message there because jdf doesn't have time to wait yeah he's gonna post on the

He'll post on the front page.

And he'll be like, oh, dude, funny prank.

I'm watching, by the way.

Oh, Jessica Hunt just posted this

an hour ago.

Jessica Hunt.

Call her Jessie.

Can I be the manager?

I bet Unc can ask her how many

figures that she would answer.

Straight up, yeah.

Yeah.

This weekend, they're going to be

in Louisville, and Amy Jo's going to be down

there just play that fucking line because it's the first comic con like i made sure

team he's not coming with me i'm gonna fuck amy joe i banged my knee so fucking hard

how hard was it oh so hard man oh yeah yeah i broke the kneecap oh yeah fuck yeah all right

it was the core of the fucking desk piece of shit who puts a fucking corner inside it where

Where you put your legs.

Stupid fucking Walmart piece of shit furniture.

Fuck me and my poor ass.

Listen, Jessica Hunt, all right?

You guys ready, Goose and et cetera?

Yeah.

All right.

Oh, yeah.

All right, drunk.

I'm going to get some panties, what?

Pull them to the side.

No time.

Yeah.

No time to take a walk.

I just put it in.

Fuck your millions, babe.

Hello?

Hello, is this Jessica?

Matt, who's calling?

This is John Holman.

I'm JDF's manager and attorney.

I have JDF on the line.

Would you be interested in talking to him?

It's 2.30 in the morning.

What?

It's 2.30 in the morning.

Why would you be calling my phone at 2.30 in the morning?

Ma'am, this is David Snozzle.

I'm Jason David Frank's other manager.

This is Jason David Frank that wants to speak with you.

Oh, my God, the Power Ranger?

Yes.

Oh, my God, you're kidding me.

Yeah, I apologize that it is 2.30 in the morning.

Oh, no, I don't care.

Jason gets these wild fits of inspiration at all hours.

And sometimes he just has to call.

So I've got a couple of ground rules.

I'm so sorry.

There's a few ground rules that we do need to abide by.

Number one, Jason, as you might know,

he's been recovering from a little problem with painkillers.

So please do not mention any kind of pain medication.

And the other ground rule is make no mention of the incident

in the truck stop on the Jersey Turnpike.

The incident in question in the restroom

is still under litigation,

and he's not at liberty to speak about that.

Can you abide by those?

I have no idea what you're talking about,

so I will not say anything.

So it shouldn't be a problem.

Okay, I'm going to patch you through.

Hold on one minute here.

Jason, are you there?

Yeah, hey, hey, how's it going?

Yeah, I've got Jessica on the line.

She is excited to speak with you.

Yeah, hey, Jessica, how's it going?

Oh my god, I'm so good. I feel so bad. I freaked out. I'm like, who's calling me at 2.30 in the morning?

Yeah, I'm so sorry. I didn't, I mean, I probably woke you up, and I feel really bad about it.

No, you did not wake me up. Believe me, I was awake.

Oh, you're a night owl like me. That's cool. That's awesome.

I am definitely a night owl.

Oh, that's great. So what are you up to? I mean, how's it going?

I can't believe I'm talking to the Green Ranger right now. You have no idea.

Yeah, you know, I just like to call fans, like, you know, I was just in the dojo doing all kinds of, like, spin kicks and, like, breaking some boards and just, you know, rocking out, you know, playing some Daft Punk and just, like, you know, doing crunches with my boys and, you know, I just decided to, like, you know, take a, you know, go outside, get some fresh air and call some fans.

hands and i saw i saw that um you had just commented so i was like man this girl looks

cool i'm gonna i'm gonna talk to her and see see how she's doing i always try i feel like i'm almost

like a stalker because i'm like please call i want to talk to you i want to talk to you

oh it's fine it's fine hon don't worry there's a lot more stalkery people than you i i will tell

you that you you are if i can just tell you you are like amazing though like i have never i wrote

wrote you a message a while ago just saying like no celebrities ever take the time to like talk to

their friends or talk to well talk to their you know fans and like respond and you responded to

a whole bunch of stuff that i wrote and i just think that's like super cool like you have no

idea that's the thing that's the reason that's the reason i'm responding to you now it's like

you know the the way to like get at my get at my like you know core like i mean of all the people

that respond to my things like you are like always the top submitter and you're always doing like

such an awesome job and it's like if i could call you more often i i would it's just like i didn't

have your number until now you know so it's like i just i just wanted to like call and see you know

what's going on like you know what's new in your world i mean if you got any questions for me like

i can i can totally totally tell you anything really i mean i got i got time i got all the

the time in the world for for this right now oh my god i'm so caught off guard i can't even

i don't even know i just i you know i'm just like a very you're in california california or

i know you i'm in texas i'm in texas right now cookies in the kitchen i'm sorry that's my that's

tammy's uncle i'm so sorry is it by the beer no no that's that's yeah yeah it's by the beer um

yeah, anyway, so, so, yeah, so, like, what's up, you know, yeah, I'm in Texas right now, Tammy's,

Tammy took her daughter away for a little while, you know, work some things out, so, yeah, I just

decided to talk to some, some fans, you know, just kind of clear my head, there was kind of a big

thing where some stuff got thrown, and some words were said, and I don't know, I just, I don't know,

I just kind of needed to talk to somebody about it,

and I thought, like, who better than the girl

that always leaves the best comments on my Facebook page?

I try. I try, too.

My cousins and I used to play Power Rangers.

We used to play Power Rangers.

Well, my brothers and I did, too,

but we always used to fight over who was our boyfriend,

Tommy or Jason.

Oh, yeah.

And we...

Yeah.

But it's funny because, and I can't remember his real name,

but the original Jason,

and he actually, I think he's an EMS right now,

but he works in a town.

Yeah, yeah, I totally, and he was talking shit about me,

and I was just like, man, I'll fight him, you know.

He's like, he thinks he's so cool,

he thinks he's so cool because he's a fireman or an EMS or something.

I mean, look at him.

There's a whole video of me just, like, railing this guy in, like, an interview

because it's like, dude, this guy's a marked bitch.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to, like, dude, it's just, like, we never got along on set.

Oh, really?

He put, like, Tabasco in my underwear one day, and then there was, like, this whole stupid Balkan skull sequence where my, like, and you can't, like, go anywhere while you're doing the dry shots, you know, so I'm having to, like, roast in this underwear, and Balkan skull are just botching every scene again and again and again.

again, they're falling down, and then

Bulk cuts his face, like, he just,

dude, I've never seen so much blood, it was just all

over the place, and I couldn't move, like, the director

said, Jason David Frank, I swear to God,

I will not renew your contract

for next season if you move one inch,

and, dude, Hames the Band

is a bad motherfucker,

like, he doesn't fuck around,

like, and he, seriously,

and so, I'm, like, looking at Austin

St. John, and he's looking at me with the fucking

shit-eatingest grin ever, like,

man, fuck you, and, man,

man, you wouldn't believe what I did.

Like, I went up to his, you know, the set, you know,

he had that red Jeep that he drove around in and shit.

So what I did was I, like, I walked right next to him for, like, a scene,

and then I, like, I, like, stabbed the tires of it.

And then I totally put it on, like, one of the interns.

Because, like, you know, fuck them.

And so I, like, got that guy fired, and I got him all angry.

And then I put some, like, I put some, like, speed, like, you know, muscle.

because this was back when ephedrine was legal so like i put some ephedrine in his um in his coffee

and then he got like super whacked out and like had to like we had to stop production for like a

day and he like got sent to the hospital but like don't ever tell anyone i told you this you know

yeah but like i was really worried i had killed him but like at the same time and this is super

fucked up this is super fucked up but i was relieved that like he might be dead and isn't

that just like super fucked up and then when he came out it was like i was like praise christ

christ jesus lord and savior machine christ i swear to god i i'll never do anything like that

again and that's when i turned good and that's when in the series my character actually became

good was around that time so it's a very symbolic moment for me um now do you here's like and i'm

sure you get this question all the time but yeah all the time i'm sure probably do you ever get i

mean you've been like tommy like dr tommy oliver forever yeah i'll have to be honest ever since

like I'm old school I'm 31

so I'm old school Power Rangers

I don't I have to admit I don't

watch the new Power Rangers

you don't watch it either

I can't watch that shit it's fucking awful

like seriously

you ever get tired of playing that character though

no because I'm here to millions I'm Jason

David Frank like everyone loves the

Green Ranger I mean like

you know like I mean like I have girls

on here that like I talk to and they

say some vile shit to me even though

I'm married like they're all like

Like, Tommy, I'd tell you how many fingers.

And I'm like, what does that mean, how many fingers?

And they're like, how many fingers I can put in my asshole.

And I'm just like.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, like, these, dude, some of these fans are, like, absolutely crazy.

Like, this one girl, like, she, like, put her fingers in her asshole.

And then she, like, pulled them out and then smelled them.

And she's like, I'm smelling my asshole for you, Jason.

And I, like, I had to take, like, a cold shower after that.

Because it was just, like, what if I become my sweetest friend, you know?

yeah and then like one person like you know um she named her rabbit jason david frank she said

if i didn't like contact her within like a week her right she was gonna cut her rabbit's throat

and like and like she said and like i didn't see it like i was doing i was doing shoots and stuff

and then i come back to this like this whole thing and it was like that that thing the m&m

where he's all like you know just you know stan you know like you know that whole thing the

with the dido sample you know and then it's like that crazy fan you know yeah but that's what she

did she like fucking killed her she wrote me all these like emails and stuff and like and then she

like killed a rabbit and then her and then oh it's just super fucked up and like i cried a lot

and then so i'm driving out there and then like there's an accident this new jersey turnpike and

i just like i jump out of the car and i just see this this this horse just i'm just dying in the

the pavement and then this trucker comes out and he's like what are you doing to my horse and i say

nothing nothing man this horse is dying and you need to get it out of here and he he comes at me

he comes at me with an axe and he's just like i'm gonna fucking kill you you fucking tattooed piece

of shit and i'm like yeah and i'm like look at this green streak and i pointed to my hair you

know because because like and i'm like now you're in for it so i like charged at him and i just

started like breaking his legs and i just like broke his legs and shit oh shit i'm talking about

it i'm sorry this was recent and i didn't mean to talk about this that's okay i had no idea what

yeah yeah i just you know just don't tell anyone like i'm i'm honestly like not even supposed to

discuss it i'm really glad my attorney didn't hear this because i would be in for a world of hurt

but anyway so enough about enough about me let's talk about you some you know like you know what

What are you doing?

Are you just hanging out at home, like, watching The Big Bang Theory?

You know, I'm actually watching House.

Oh, House.

Yeah.

I'm a big fan.

He's really good in Blackadder.

You should watch Blackadder.

Like, his English stuff is, like, super awesome.

Yeah, I've heard him.

He's a singer, too.

Yeah, I'm watching it, too.

I'm actually watching it, too.

I just changed the channel.

I'm in my living room now.

I'm watching it, too.

It's a really good episode.

it's on USA

I've seen

I think I've seen this one

is this a new one

it's done

they had a

series finale

shit

yeah

but it's definitely

it's definitely a good show

but

yeah I was just

I was too busy

like spin kicking

all this time

I totally missed it

and like just

well I mean you're a busy guy

I'm just like

I'm like I just

threw down a towel

you know

I just

you know

just got out from all

I'm just all sweaty

and I just threw down

a towel on the couch

and I'm just like

laying here naked

just like

you know

just cooling off

off in the air conditioning because it gets hot in texas just gets so hot in texas and just

sometimes you just need to cool off under the fan the air conditioning you know i heard it was pretty

hot in texas oh it's so hot in texas never been but i heard oh it's it's pretty bad oh it's it's

just sweltering here i mean it's just so like muggy and passionate and like wonderful it's

great to be here in new hampshire it's about uh two degrees out i believe oh yeah i've been to

new hampshire it's cold but yeah down here in texas it's it's super hot it's like so moist

out right here now like

Like, the hot Texas air just being, like, super warm, you know.

When are you going to come to, like, the Boston area?

I want to go to one of the Comic-Cons.

Not that I can afford it, but I still want to go and actually meet you.

Yeah, I mean, I'm totally planning on doing it.

I don't know if it's in my schedule.

My attorney would probably know.

I'm not really sure, but it'll probably be soon.

I mean, like, if not this year, then...

I'm the operator. I'm sorry.

I always like to help my fans. Are you still there, honey?

Yeah, I'm still here.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. My connection just fell out.

I just, yeah, I could, like, fly you down if you want.

You know, I could give you a call in a couple days, and we could work out the logistics of it.

You could, like, stay in my guest house, you know, if this whole Tammy thing was worked out and stuff.

And we can, like, you know, go out for dinner and, you know, we can, like, do some martial arts and, you know, break some boards and stuff.

It's really easy to break boards, by the way.

It's really not that big of a trick.

If I could break into boards, that would be badass.

That would be super badass, too.

It would be super awesome.

And I love it when chicks can break boards.

Like, nothing makes me, like, happier than watching a chick just, like, conquer wood.

Like, just, you know, just break wood super hard and just, like, give it, like, a big ol' hi-ya, you know, just, like, oh, man.

jason dave frank loves it like i mean that's kind of why i do what i do is watch people just like

you know you know channel their energy into like sexual like board breaking and things like that

like for me like martial arts super turn on like that's why i just like i love doing it so much

because it just gets me so like excited you know it's like and that's kind of what happened with

me and tammy and she's like really angry at me and i was like doing martial arts and then i just

like grabbed her and i was like you know i'm like we're gonna we're gonna make love right now

out because i'm bigger than you and she's like no jason stop like and i'm like all right settle

down and then i just stormed off because i was like you know come on like why why does she always

have to you know initiate like like how come i can't and it's just like and so i just we just

started yelling at each other and screaming and broke the dean just like through the through the

toaster out the window and just oh just yeah so anyway so like uh what do you what are you wearing

i mean i told you what i'm doing and i feel like i'm monopolizing the conversation but like you

You know, how are you, hon?

I'm good.

I'm definitely good.

I'm glad that I got to talk to you.

Yeah, I am too.

I feel like of all the people that, like, do follow me as regularly as you,

because I do pay attention to what people say.

Like, any time people repost pictures and stuff, I just ignore them forever.

And luckily you haven't reposted anything I haven't seen already,

so that's why, like, I love commenting on things you write,

because, like, you're a huge individual.

I try and be nice because you are such an icon.

Yeah, so, you know, like, so what are you wearing?

What am I wearing?

That's an odd question to ask.

Well, I told you I'm naked.

I mean, you got to reciprocate that at least, right?

Yes.

I'm sorry?

Ma'am?

Jessica?

Jessica, can you hear me?

What happened?

Jessica?

Hello, honey.

I'm still here.

Jessica?

You're not Jessica.

Jessica, where are you?

Oh, my God.

Right now, Jessica?

I want your body.

I'm every good way from Sunday, Jessica.

Oh, poor Jessica.

There she goes.

Hey guys, I gotta

refill something here.

Okay, sorry.

Do you mind sitting there for a few minutes

real quick while I get up?

It takes me a while.

Are you gonna refill the shitter?

No, no, no.

I have to hobble to get around now

because I got fucking Cass

boost motherfucking shit on me.

Pisses the fuck out of me.

Anyway, look, I don't think this is that good of a prank call, but it's long.

I'm not going to be gone that long, okay?

All right, just hang on there, buddies.

Be right back.

This station has interrupted its regular program at the request of the United States government

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This information is just in.

This information is just in from the AP wire, attention news directors and all bureaus

regarding the emergency broadcast message which was sent by the Air Force on this wire about 9.30 this morning,

Eastern Standard Time, and I am quoting direct, being completely honest.

It says AT&T advises the AP that the Air Force at Cheyenne Mountain in Colorado put the wrong message on tape, put the wrong taped message.

The normal tape explains the message as merely a test.

This is the one that we always receive at this time on Saturday morning.

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Calls (66, 2 h 30 min of 4 h 9 min)

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