Milking Horses

No, you're a fucking whore and your mother's a fucking whore.

Your mother fucks your son, mate.

That is true.

Listen to how you are.

She's got a dick.

You're listening to Madhouse Live.

I'm the largest prank call station in the nation.

Prank call nation.

I'm here. I'm Carlito.

Madhouse Monday Show.

With me should be Baz and Turbo.

Hey, guys. What's up?

Let me know if you're audible.

Hey, how's it going?

Hey, buddy.

Hey, guys.

continuing my new studio setup tweaks let me know if things are too low too loud the reason it took

me so long to start i was trying to get the video feed started and i couldn't get the google hangout

to start after like three attempts so i went ahead and went to down detector.com and sure enough

google hangouts is reported as having trouble being down in and out right now so looks like

no video for at least for right now oh well maybe uh background music's a tad bit loud there we go

That might be better.

Okay.

So I have focused on the city of Denver.

Turbo, you sent in a horse breeder over there.

Yes, I did.

All right.

I'm looking at the map also.

Let's call the horse breeder first.

Why not?

If you're new to this, first time listening, madhouselive.com is the website.

It's all explained over there.

Shows all the time.

This is good.

I can take my pants off now that there's no video.

Fuck yeah, man.

No longer constricted by denim.

Escape your denim prison.

Thank you for calling Rocky Mountain Quarter Horse Association.

We are unable to take your call at this time, but if you would leave us a...

B-I-T-C-H.

Don't worry, I'll try again.

She probably won't answer that.

Too busy masturbating their horses.

It's Monday.

They're going to masturbate all the horses today.

Yeah.

Because they're all pent up from the weekend being all horny.

Horny horses.

Good afternoon, Rocky Mountain Quarter Horse.

This is Janie.

I need you to pick up the second time.

How are you doing over there?

Are you guys busy with the horses today?

Yes.

are it was my it's monday right so they're probably all pent up it is monday and it's also

the last chance to pay into the rocky mountain or the lucille roan cherry creek yeah whatever

that means that's great yeah so the horses are all pent up and aggressive today because it's

been two days they haven't been masturbated or anything like that for a while not that i'm aware

of okay all right all right so uh do you do the do you do breeding also there right no no oh wow

Wow. Do you have any nice studs? Nice, handsome horses?

No. We are actually an arm of AQHA.

The arm?

A registration company. We are not...

Holy shit.

Oh, shit. You guys are with the arm?

Yeah.

Oh, I'm friends with the arm. He helps me out all the time.

If you want to talk about studs, you need to talk to Vista Equines.

Well, put him through then.

Because I don't know.

It's the first call of the day, and I'm just, whatever.

I'm not really paying attention to you.

Oh, okay.

So, ma'am, you cannot provide us with horse semen?

No.

No?

No.

I was hoping to buy a quart.

Yeah, we need some horse cum.

Nice, thick, goopy horse semen.

Nice, thick, goopy.

You microwave it for a little while.

Get it warm again.

Oh, God.

Reminds me of that Jackass movie.

Oh, God.

Good afternoon, Rocky Mountain Quarter Horse.

Did you see Jackass 2 where they drank the horse semen?

I am going to hang up, and if you call again, I'm going to call the cops.

Are you associated with the eagles?

The eagles?

The great eagles.

I'm called again.

Guys, I'm calling again.

Watch out.

But you guys are going to talk, not me, so it's okay.

Otherwise, the police are coming.

Hello, ma'am.

My name is David Snozzwell.

May I speak with whoever's in charge, please?

I am in charge here.

Oh, yes.

Hello.

My name is David Snozzwell.

I'm calling from the Royal Equine Association of America.

I'm on the line with my associate, Mr. Robert Trebois.

Hello.

Yes, we have some general inquiries of the equine nature.

We are nothing but a registration.

We do not sell semen.

We do not have mares.

We do not have stallions.

See, we can't come over and watch horses fucking.

No.

Well, we have some.

Damn it.

Should I call her again?

That's funny.

See?

I'll call her again.

One last time.

Thank you for calling Rocky Mountain Quarter Horse Police.

We'll take your call at this time, but if you would...

It sounds like it's her calling the police.

Yeah, she's busy on the other line.

Good number, Turbo.

Horse police.

Good number, Turbo.

Good work, boy.

And she's down with an arm also.

Scary shit now.

Yeah.

I can't get the fucking...

Come on, chat room.

Come on.

Added a phone number.

I may be charged for calling it.

Whatever.

Oh, Skype.

I love you.

There we go.

Now it's working.

All right, now we got a massage therapist, huh?

Horse massage?

This confuses me

Okay, we gotta get to the bottom of this

I'm gonna see if the horses do the massaging

Or maybe they'll allow you to massage the horse too

Quid pro quo, horse massage

Hello? Yeah, hi, you have horse massage?

Uh, I used to

Oh, yeah, cause the best massage is a horse's vagina

You know, you stick it in there

Massage your penis

You are a jerk

Okay, that was quick, I'll try it again

You are a jerk

This is Howard and Debra Houck.

Please leave a message.

Whatever.

As she said, I am a joke.

Amen, Acres.

What do we got?

Must be horse-related, I'm guessing, right, Turbo?

It's an acre.

Well, the weird thing is it says, like, entertainment,

but it's out in the country, kind of.

So, I don't know, Horse Strip Club?

Yeah.

Amen, Acres.

Yeah, Horse Entertainment.

Jesus, Horse Entertainment?

I'm sorry?

Horse Entertainment?

Is that what you have there?

No, it's Eamon Acres.

Yeah, but it's entertainment.

You guys are listed as entertainment.

We're looking for a place to bring our horses.

We board horses, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

We're going to bring them in.

Yeah, we want them to party a little bit.

You know, they're going to have a bachelor party.

Do you have any girl horses over there serving drinks?

No, we don't.

They can masturbate with?

No, I'm sorry.

Nothing like that.

No, thanks.

Bye.

Do you have marijuana for the horses?

Do you have horse nip?

That's a good question.

Yeah.

I mean, it's legal in Colorado.

Yeah, we're in the right place for that.

Hi, this is B&T Tack and Feed and Eamon Akers.

At the tone, please submit each number, and we'll call you back.

Eamon Akers.

Eamon, brother.

That's what Hulk Hogan would say if he was here.

The Christian horse ranch.

Yes.

Fuck yeah.

All right, so Obeying the Chatroom is saying that he doesn't get emails

from Mixler when I go on, but when

everyone else does, he does. That doesn't make any sense.

RB says he gets my emails.

It's channel-based.

Yeah, I don't control it. It's in the channel

level. And I even got the

email when I went on just now, I got

the email popped up on my screen, and

I also even got the push notification

on my iPad that's in front of me.

So, I don't know. It came up and said

Madhouse is going online. I don't know.

Maybe you're blocking mine

specifically on yours. Yeah, I

Hey, I got the push for iOS 2 17 minutes ago.

Yep.

Obey, your shit's broken.

But, hey, we have a new website that we're trying to open up for the network.

We're changing things up, and I can't get to it from a Windows machine,

but I can get to it from my Ubuntu and from my iPad.

It's weird.

I don't know why.

Yeah, I flushed my DNS and rebooted.

Nothing.

Hmm.

Yeah.

Okay, well, moving right along.

Let's see what else we got here.

Did you put any more numbers, Turbo?

Let me look.

Yes, you did.

A couple more, yeah.

Gestalt.

That sounds like a wizard, right?

Yeah.

Oh, and also, The N is sending me some Craigslist ads from Denver.

Is he, then?

Do you want those in a bit?

Yes.

Yeah.

All right.

Good.

I'll post those when we get through some of these.

Good.

It's a Denver celebration today.

Is it St. Patrick's Day today?

Or is that later on?

It is.

I didn't even know.

And I'm not even wearing green.

It's a good thing I'm on camera.

I actually have some numbers of pubs in Dublin, but I'm thinking, you know how those go.

They're loud and noisy, and they can't hear you.

Yeah.

But if you want them, I can.

You know, we could also call Boston.

That's a big Irish St. Patrick's Day town.

Chicago, too.

They get real crazy.

Who else gets crazy on St. Paddy's Day?

Savannah, Georgia does, I think, from what I heard.

They've got a big event there.

Savannah, Georgia is a weird town.

it's like in the middle of the deep south but it's really liberal they have a they have a

really big gay parade and have a really big irish population italian it's crazy well i'm gonna

lives there who cupcake uh okay cupcake no who's cupcake oh who's i vaguely remember that

that guy who worked at like the clothes store who stayed on the line oh yeah oh yeah cupcake

cupcake yeah yeah you know i never i didn't save that number that guy seemed cool i hope he looked

this up at least maybe he'll show up one day yeah um supposedly signed into irc that same day right

yeah he did yeah then during that show well good maybe he'll if he thought it was cool he'll come

back around because i don't know i couldn't remember well i guess i could listen to it it

was a cupcake place though right or did i just call him cupcake no no it was a cupcake place

that's why you called him cupcake yeah yeah that's what i thought i might be able to find it

and he liked it in savannah georgia all right i'll work on that i'll find that episode and

we'll listen and i say i'm gonna do it and then i don't do it oh all right try and gestalt a good

answer here when do you take this all right i'm giving up on that one white horse uh whole horse

therapy i really should be wearing my glasses when i do these shows i hate wearing my glasses inside

the house but i'm so lazy like i'll sit there and suffer through watching tv without glasses on i

can't read shit on the screen on cnn but hey you know what i started watching al jazeera on cable

that's a that's a real much much better news source than cnn oh yeah yeah it's pretty good

yeah they do good stuff yeah they do ever since they westernized like about three four years ago

they started pushing like for that hello yeah hi is this horse therapy no i'm sorry thank you

Oh, who are you?

Oh, come on.

What a liar.

Let's see if she picks up again.

Give her shit or something.

I don't know.

I forgot I said to do that.

Let's accuse her of lying.

That always goes over well.

It's on the internet.

She ain't going to answer this time.

They're not like those Brits.

What was that?

Those Brits will keep answering.

They're not like those Brits.

You know, the British will keep answering.

Oh, yeah.

They feel obligated.

Like, you never know.

It could be the Queen needing our help.

Warning of the Germans coming back.

Yeah. Arabian Horse Association.

You've got to say

Allah Akbar to them.

Salamu alaikum.

One of the following options. One for AHA addresses,

two for assistance with membership,

registration, transfer,

import. Please hold.

I will transfer you to

Arabian Horse Association operator.

Yes, salamu alaikum.

Hello. Arabian Horse Association

Yes, salamu alaikum.

Who? Salamu alaikum.

Hello, Akbar.

Yes, the Arabian Horse Association.

Yes, sir.

Yes, I would like to speak with somebody regarding Arabian horses, please.

Okay, what about them?

The anatomy, please.

I have a question.

The anatomy?

Yes.

Okay, let me send you up to membership, and hopefully they can take care of that for you.

Yes, it's about the member.

Okay, give me one second.

Yeah, the horse member.

Membership.

This is Cindy.

Oh, hi, Big Cindy.

This is David Snozzwell.

Well, how are you this morning?

Well, what can I help you with today?

Yes, I've got a question about horse memberships.

Okay.

Yes, I was wondering how I might enroll in your horse membership association machine.

And I have a question about my horse member.

I have an Arabian horse.

His name is Nibbles.

And I would like to join your association.

Okay.

Have you registered for the horse?

Are you sending that in to change the title?

Oh, absolutely.

Okay.

Absolutely, yeah.

Sure.

He's thoroughbred.

Yeah, he's an Arabian cross.

Okay, so if it is a...

His father's name was Cross.

On the bed registry is our chart information, and you'll send that in...

Yeah, transfer that shit.

Okay.

I'm sorry, I'm listening.

I apologize.

No problem.

And you will fill out the back of that certificate and process the...

Yeah, he's a beautiful horse.

He's sleek and muscular, and he's got a large member, and he's very fertile.

I have my other associate on the line, Mr. Robert Trebois.

He's currently milking nibbles of his seed.

And we were wondering if you'd like a sample to come along with the transfer form.

Yes, I have about 100 cc's of horse material here.

Very, very virile DNA.

She finally went.

I'm sorry.

So we need what department?

Membership, yeah.

Thank you for calling.

How rude.

Look, I see horses just, like, milling around all the time.

And they're always just getting random hard-ons.

I don't see why this is so offensive.

Yeah, totally.

What was that one address in Denver?

Wasn't there an address in Denver?

Wasn't there an address, like, in Denver that...

Hello?

Was that somebody?

Okay, let's wait for the operator.

Yeah, I was wondering if you could send me back up to membership.

Transfer me to Big Fat Cindy.

To Cindy? Okay, may I ask what your name is?

Big Fat Cindy.

This is David Snozz while I'm calling about my horse member.

Okay, give me one second.

It's quite large and hard at the moment.

Okay, give me one second.

And Robert's milking it.

Okay, give me one second.

Hurry, because he's going to blow.

I'm using both hands.

We don't know what we're supposed to collect the semen in.

That's the semen coming in.

I'll keep doing that every once in a while.

That's you, Turbo, milking the horse.

I'm putting all my muscle into it.

I can tell you're collecting them in mason jars, but they're too small.

They're overflowing into the cake pan I have underneath the mason jars.

That's a toilet.

Hello?

Hello, Cindy.

We have an emergency.

Yes, what's going on?

Yes, Mr. Turbo is milking nibbles right now, but the mason jars are too small.

It's overflowing.

into the baking pan below what what kind of containers should we use for semen collection

that's a lot of horse semen holy shit uh all right urban cowgirls are these is this horse

related or any idea yeah it says uh if you look at the bottom uh horse rental service

Oh, okay.

There we go.

Let's not reverse cowgirl questions.

Well, you know, they say, like, if a lady rides a horse, you know.

Hi, you've reached Ariel and Urban Cowgirls.

Please leave your name and number, and I'll get back to you.

At the tone.

I wasn't paying attention.

Here we go.

Pardon me.

Hi, you've reached Ariel and Urban Cowgirls.

Please leave your name and number, and I'll get back to you.

At the tone.

Please record your message.

When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options.

Sorry, I'm working on the video problem here.

It looks like it might have come up, so loading that right now.

There we go.

We're going to start broadcast on YouTube.

Be aware.

We are live.

All right.

Hello, YouTube viewers and also those watching the video feed at madhouselive.com.

I have made it.

Thank you.

Anyway, where were we?

Hey, Dashie sent me a number.

I know it's not Denver, but it's San Francisco.

go. This woman's

donating 50 gallons of breast milk.

50 gallons? Okay.

Wow. Ew, man. She's been saving them that long?

Or she just makes them?

Yeah, I don't know. How many separate women are involved?

Hold on, I gotta format this.

Yeah, mixing milks from different women is gross,

dude. Yeah, that is. But you get

more antibodies. Probably.

You get them more diverse. Yeah.

Hold on, let me just format that. It's not...

Her name is

Taruna. Taruna. Okay,

there you go. There's someone calling back from a block

number should i accept it all right here's the breast milk call my bad it's my fault hello yeah

hi you have the uh breast milk yes who's this oh this is cross i'm trying to get some breast milk

for my wife and for our purposes here at home i'm sorry i can't hear you one second oh fuck

hello yeah hi what's your name oh this is cross okay yeah um how we need breast milk my wife and

i need breast milk you know for our purposes here in the home um how many different women

I mean, this has come from, how did you get 50 gallons?

I'm sorry, how old is your kid?

Can I ask you a couple of questions first?

Oh, okay, sure.

How old is your child?

Three weeks old.

Three weeks old, okay.

Is your wife not producing or?

Well, that's a private matter.

That is the problem?

That's a private thing.

Okay.

Yeah, I can't just tell you about my wife and her breasts, you know?

I can't just come out and tell you that.

She'd be really mad if I did that.

Okay.

I do have somebody else who's asked for it before you have.

I'll pay more.

We need it for more than just the baby.

You know what I mean?

I'm not selling it.

I'm donating it.

I want to wash my car with it, you know?

Okay.

I'm sorry.

I'm not interested in talking to you.

Come on.

Look, I'll pay you.

I'll pay you good money.

Come on.

I'll suck your dick.

I'm not interested in talking to you.

How did you make it?

Tell me.

Come on.

How did you make it?

It's so hot.

She's bathing it, too.

Your call has been forwarded.

to an automatic...

Horsey Cat says he wants to make tofu out of it.

You could make paneer out of it.

Yeah.

Paneer.

God.

Maybe she could donate it to an Indian restaurant.

Paneer's caught as cheese, you know.

Basically, that's what it is, yeah.

You just kind of press it.

All right, well, let me go to the map.

See what we can scrounge up.

Oh, wait a minute.

We got these.

People selling shit.

Hang on.

And you said Deanna's working on Craigslist numbers, right?

Yeah, let me...

Yeah, it's got a script he wrote for generating Brexit's numbers.

All right, in the meantime, I got someone selling a Honda Accord, 93 Honda Accord.

Exciting.

Yeah, hey, you have a Honda Accord?

Yeah, I want to drive that motherfucker, you know?

Yeah, yeah, is it a nice little car?

Is it a nice little car?

How long you had it?

For about a year.

About a year?

All right, you have a lot of sex in it?

No.

Okay, no fingering, nothing like that?

Okay, that's good.

That's good.

so the seats are nice and clean?

Did anyone sit down without any pants on?

Yeah, I need to know these

because if not, I'm going to have to get a steam cleaned, you know?

Hello?

She said, seriously, guys.

Call in again.

Seems like a reasonable line of inquiry to me.

Okay, here's a guy with a huge sports card collection.

Also, Big Ken is calling.

Hello, Ken.

All right, Ken.

Huge sports card collection.

Yeah, and if you want it, call it out now.

Turbo, you want it?

Sure.

Turbo Hazard.

Hello.

Hi, you're selling the used sports car collection?

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Do any of these cars have turbo?

I need to go fast, very fast.

Well, no.

These are mostly back in the 80s and then the figurines and stuff.

They're nothing, you know.

Well, can I inject poppers into the engine and make them go very fast?

My wife, you know, she likes that a lot.

she likes the vibration when the engine's about to tear itself apart um it's cards not cars

i don't have a car i have cards cards uh-huh so it's cards oh okay well she likes to play

you know turbo style rules turbo you know where where you can like throw the cards at your

opponent so um do they you know are they good flat cards because if there's a curve they'll

they'll catch the air and they'll skew off to the side they're all mint cards it's about it

oh okay um do they have the coating on them because there may be some bodily fluids involved

this

This chicken here, it's just rummaging through my cards.

i thought you said cars

cards cards what a bitch really i'll call her back she probably won't answer but i'll call her

back all right just a moment all right alpacas you should get those killer chickens of baz to

fight the fucking alpacas yeah screen problem fixed here we go they could replace the goats

Hello?

Yeah, hi, you have alpacas?

Yes.

Oh, nice, and they got nice, the nice fur on them, right?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, how do you shear them?

When I get them, do you guys, could you guys show me how to shear?

I'm going to make all my...

You know, we don't shear.

You don't shear?

We have a professional come and shear for us.

Oh, what's his name?

Is he cool?

Would he come to my place?

Um, I don't know.

No, he has a pretty full clientele right now.

Do you have alpacas?

Well, I want to get some and then, you know, do it that way.

I thought I'd go through you guys, you know?

Yeah, how about masturbating the alpacas?

Do you guys do that?

Excuse me?

Who is this?

No, for breeding purposes.

No, we don't do that.

Do you know anyone who does?

I mean, of course.

How do you contact a breeder?

Well, I would look at the, get on the web and start looking at, you know, breeders in your area.

Just type in alpacas and you'll have tons of information.

All right.

So I got to go on the computer, on the internet, right?

Like the YouTube computer and all that.

I'll go in there and I'll start, I'll Google, right?

Yeah.

On the Google.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'll do that.

Yeah.

Because look, that's the one I want to get into is because I'm already doing it, you

know, jerking off, jerking them off.

so I might as well make money off of it.

And there's a lot of money in the breeding, in the sperm.

Who is this?

Oh, this is Eddie.

Who, Eddie who?

Eddie Cross.

Okay, well, good luck on that one.

All right, so you have no idea about, you know, the whole thing where they, you know,

they masturbate the alpaca and you put it in the container and sell it later?

No, alpacas, you can't do that.

Why not?

It doesn't work.

They have tried breeding like that, and it's not a...

Yeah, but then I saw that there's like a female alpaca,

like a stuffed thing that you put out in the field,

and they do it to that.

You put the scent on it, the female scent on it,

and they're so stupid that they fuck it,

and then you get the sperm that way.

That's how you do it.

Huh.

Well, like I said, good luck with that,

and you can contact, you know, national organizations and talk to them about that.

Yeah, because those alpacas, they're fucking stupid, you know?

No, they're not.

Yeah, they are.

They're extremely intelligent.

No, they're really fucking, they'll fuck, you know, they'll have sex.

I'm sorry.

They'll have sex with a stuffed fake one.

You might try calling somebody else.

So, bye-bye.

Okay, whatever.

Ma'am, why don't you call her back?

Yeah.

I can be your partner.

Unreasonable woman

I know people breed those motherfuckers

So whatever

Get right up under that alpaca

And just start fucking tugging and jerking

Well I just learned you can't masturbate in alpaca

So

I call bullshit I think you can

Yeah you can masturbate anything

You can masturbate a rock if you try hard enough

I mean Dwight's got a

Base full of goat chis

That's right

I lost my abs

Hey, Carlito, did you hear we got George Takai's boyfriend to hang up on us the other night?

Really?

What's – oh, yeah?

That guy?

Yeah, we're calling the Comic Cons, trying to get JDF again.

And we're like, well, we can't get JDF, so we called George Takai's room.

You called – his name is Brad.

Yeah, I asked to speak to the captain of the Enterprise B, and he got all pissy.

He wasn't the captain.

Yeah, he was.

He was the captain of the Excelsior, dude.

dude. He wasn't an Enterprise B.

Oh, shit! You're right.

God damn it!

That's why he's pissed.

Damn it!

He was really...

He always wanted his own shot.

He wanted his own series and stuff.

They floated that they were going to, and they never did.

It was supposed to be a

Starfleet Academy series, which would have been

the most boring shit ever.

Oh, yeah.

He was going to be the head admiral,

and they took it away

from him and he's always i don't know he never got along with um uh shatner and that's why they

were separate in the last movie they never really they weren't together at all he because he was a

captain of the excelsior because they wouldn't get along so he got to captain his own ship they uh

we found out too that jds being a cocksucker and hinded under another name now when he's at

these hotels uh-huh well that's not right you should he's under as gdf now george david

Well, that sucks.

Did you guys ever get a chance to talk to him or his wife or whatever?

Do you want to call his cell phone right now and see if she'll answer?

Yeah.

Post it to him and he'll call it.

Did you ever talk to her or no?

Hello?

Turbo talked to the wife and snaked the cell phone number.

No, no, that wasn't me.

That was Sloth.

I thought that was you.

No.

It was on Science.

Yeah, I think it was Sloth.

Wrong again, Ken.

Wrong again.

Yeah, hi.

How are you?

Good.

Oh, good.

Good. I'm going to put Mr. Turbo on.

He had something to ask. Go ahead, Turbo.

Hi there. Is Jason there?

Oh, okay. So how are you doing, Tammy?

Good. Who's this?

Oh, this is Turbo.

I don't know who Turbo is.

You know, the Turbo Red Ranger?

Y'all been calling me over and over?

No.

We're just talking about that con coming up.

We're with American Gladiators.

We're trying to get a hold of Jason

to see if he wants to be on the show.

He's Turbo. I'm Blazer.

I don't know.

I'm Bazzar.

Yeah, that's Bazzar.

Yeah, we're here at the gym.

We're working out.

We're pumping.

You know, we're just doing some practices for the show.

The new season starts.

Hulk Hogan and Muhammad Ali's daughter are the hosts.

NBC.

So anyway, we were looking to reach out to Jason about maybe being on the show.

Yeah, well, how did I get my number?

Sources gave it to us.

Go through back channels.

Yeah.

NBC gave it to us, actually.

The network gave it to us.

They don't know.

They don't have my number.

Someone does.

well yeah someone but someone this is my private cell phone so i don't take calls from people i

don't know well your your phone or everyone's phone number gets sold at some point by some

company you register for something even your phone company sells it so it's really out there

nbc's got ways of getting it through the news department and all that no they do that that's

serious that's how it gets out that's why you always got to change your number and shit

Yeah, exactly.

Anyway, Turbo's the one that really wants you on.

I am Blazer, and I'm like, whatever, you know.

I think we need another girl on the show, not another guy, but that's just me.

I mean, we were looking for Jason, but, yeah, if you're interested personally, that would work, too.

Are you fit like Jason?

No.

No, I don't.

I'm sorry.

I don't have time for that.

Jason likes spinners, we understand.

That's what he told Turbo once at the convention.

yeah he was talking about amy joe you know i mean he looks the same to me so yeah did you

did you know that he got in trouble recently in a truck stop and also that he um tumbled over an

ambulance what did he do dwight dwizer what did he do he fucking uh kicked an ambulance over yeah

he flipped over an ambulance who jason jason jason yeah he fucking my jason hey he's been

Ben kicked a fucking ambulance and tipped that shit over.

Oh, no, I didn't.

Created quite a stir.

Really?

Yes.

So what we're going to do on the American Gladiators, we're going to do a husband versus

wife episode.

So we want to get you both involved there.

The wives are going to lose no matter what because they're women.

That's a requirement of NBC.

Have you ever seen Atlas Ball jousting before?

That's what we have in mind.

No.

I'm not going to be much help to you guys.

Sorry, I'm not in the industry.

Oh, wow.

Well, this could be your big break, ma'am.

I'm not looking for a big break

I saw that picture

on Jason's Facebook

with your boobs and that Power Rangers shirt

that was pretty good

it's either this or a sex tape

we have some contacts at Vivid actually

could help you out with that

it would actually be even better than this opportunity

and it'd be you and Jason

it's not like you're cheating

just you and Jason

very good Christian adult film

black and white

Yeah and tell us

We tried to call Jason over at the Louisville

Comic Con

How come they said he wasn't there

I know you guys were staying at the Hyatt

Yeah I asked for you guys room you guys weren't there

Oh I don't know why they told you that

I don't know

I'm sitting in the post office so I gotta go

I gotta go mail this to Jess right now

Okay we'll call you back in a little bit

Alright bye sexy

Bye

That's a conversation she's gonna have with Jason

said yeah you know she's like these weird fucking american gladiators called one of them is a turbo

and there really is a turbo that's the first time that number has ever worked it's always

went the fucking voicemail yeah she's like are you the motherfuckers that keep calling

we're always calling at like 10 o'clock at night that's true yeah that's why she never picks up

probably well her curiosity probably got the better of her yeah but yeah apparently that is

their cell phone that how much do you want to bet his cell phone is one digit up or down yeah

probably yeah you know my wife and i used to have numbers like that really if you get a plan

together probably right the algorithm like that but that was a long time ago well you know you

know back when i was like a teenager my whole family just had like consecutive numbers okay

all right i don't know i i really think they may just have one cell phone though

because you know jdf got caught like fucking around with amy joe or something yeah

sloth did ask for jason's number two and she was like no no we share this phone it's like why would

you share a cell phone yeah whatever no she's gotta have his own let's test the theory and see

if we can find jason yeah because if he's doing business and stuff unless she's his manager also

and he's just not allowed to talk to the world she's uh producing that stupid web thing uh his

his morphing life or whatever oh okay really i didn't even know which is stupid okay can you um

i'm looking at the format yeah i'll give you both here post the variations yeah we'll work on that

we'll see what we can find out anyway this is a monday show it is now 3 20 p.m eastern

sitting here enjoying some triscuit crackers while we harass jdf white triscuits huh you should

Should have gotten Wheat Thins, man.

Some roasted garlic Triscuits.

Should have gotten Wheat Thins, bro.

I'm just saying.

Wheat Thins are good, too.

You got to get the buffalo ones.

Let's get the plain ones.

I get the plain ones, and I put little pieces of cheese on them, and I microwave them for

like four seconds.

That's what I do with the Triscuits.

Put some sharp cheddar on them.

Yeah, and you nuke them.

Get that shit melted.

I get Triscuits and get spinach dip.

All right, here we go.

They were the two variations there.

All right, we're looking on also partial to the chicken and the biscuit crackers.

here we go this is the first possible variation test all right for jason david frank jdf you guys

talked to him because i don't know hey is jason there hello hello i don't know the answer to that

yeah jason uh jason david snuswell let's speak with jason hi and this is uh robert turbaugh his

associate puta madre we were attempting to purchase the cell phone number for jason david

But Frank, it is consecutive with his wife's cell phone number.

How much do you want for the cell phone number?

Habla Español.

How does six figures sound?

Hang on, hang on.

No habla Español.

Si, hablo Español.

Ah, puta madre.

What?

Puta madre, cabrón.

Pinche cabrón.

Maricón.

Es tu madre.

Si.

Me la cojo.

Está aquí.

Tu madre me la cogió.

Está aquí conmigo, cabrón.

Ah!

All right, that was the first one.

What'd you say?

I said, your whore mother, she's here with me, your whore mother.

That's it.

Pretty much, that was it.

He's like, uh-huh.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

I got you.

No, I got you.

The person you are calling cannot accept calls at this time.

We're sorry for any inconvenience.

Well, if that's JDF, he has to pay.

That's suspicious.

Yeah, let's call every number in this area code until we find them.

You got to make a note of that one, Ken.

ken it's a possibility yeah i'll remember just out it's the number below the one we tried the

one from uh tammy's she stayed on the phone a little longer than i thought she would too

yeah i think she was like i just want to find out who the fuck these people are they keep messing

with me or she was intrigued she sounded a little like she would cheat you know she'd be like yeah

i left her with her sex life i left her a voicemail the other night uh because whoever

was running the Skype

stepped away

and the voicemail

was going

I'm like

ah shit

how the fuck

do I turn this thing

sorry wrong number

so you know

that she's heard

all those voicemails

you guys have been

leaving them

that's the only

voicemail we've ever

left because

somebody stepped away

oh okay

we never leave

voicemails

Unc's voicemail

there's been

that was to the hotel room

yeah but still

they know about that

probably

Tammy probably

heard that

I'm sure

I'm sure his dickface recorded it with his phone and then posted it on Facebook.

Oh, yeah, that's right, because they know about it.

But, yeah, I was like, I know you guys were at the Hyatt, and she fucking just confirmed it.

I don't know why they told you we weren't there.

It's because you're telling them to tell us that, you whore.

All right, here's a sofa, like new, used very little, and two chairs.

All three pieces for $125.

There's got to have been some fucking done on that sofa.

I think they'd be worth more

if they had some good stains on them.

I'll pay them an extra

$50 if they piss and shit

on it before I pick it up.

He picked it up.

He's going to voicemail now.

Whatever.

GDF's at lunch somewhere.

I wish I could figure out where the fuck they are.

He doesn't ever check in anywhere?

Nothing like that?

No, that one time he posted

on Facebook where he was having dinner.

but you gotta be watching for that shit all right to good homes only we got some full-blooded boxer

bulldogs did we ever get craigslist stuff baz from then the end the end then all right no answer

there all right i see baz's link links the craigslist ad wait wait wait we're going from

the bottom up amerisleep's plant-based memory foam mattress huh thank you for calling amerisleep

Yeah, you've got these foam mattresses, but they're made from plant machines.

I'm sorry, one more time, sir.

They're made from plant machines?

No, they're partially plant-based.

Partially?

I thought they were stuffed with plants, because I'm looking for a good way to hide some plant matter right now,

and I thought if I made a mattress out of it, it would be awesome.

You just break out chunks of the mattress whenever you need it and sell it like that?

Slice it off?

Yeah, nothing like that.

Oh, man.

Wow.

Do you have a testing area there?

We don't.

We're strictly unlocked.

But I'm in the area, though.

I live in the area.

What area?

I'll come by, like, close to where you guys are.

I'm going to come by, lay down on the mattress, you know,

masturbate on it.

We don't have any.

You don't have mattresses there?

No.

Where are they?

Arizona.

Arizona?

Where?

Tell me the address.

I want to go there.

I'm going to call.

What's your phone number there?

I was muted.

I had an idea for the memory foam.

Can I talk to him?

Sure, man.

Thank you for calling Amerisleep.com.

Thank you for calling.

I was going to say that I do a lot of extramarital fucking,

and I'm worried that, you know, if that has memory, it might remember and tell my wife.

We'll stay in the form of my mistress's ass.

Yeah.

That's better.

All right, we've got a car in good condition.

V6.

It started ringing right on time.

Hello.

Yeah, hi.

Hello?

Yeah, hey, you have a car?

Yes, sir.

Yeah, you didn't say what kind of car it is.

You're just explaining what it looks like, but you didn't say what kind of fucking car.

Okay, what car are you looking for?

What kind of car?

V6.

V6, leather, limited.

V6, limited.

What the fuck is that?

V6, leather.

You can talk a little bit gently, sir.

I can talk that long, too.

You can talk that what?

Do you speak English?

Or is there someone English-speaking there?

I speak Russian.

Oh, well, your accent is really pissing me off.

Okay, what's your question?

What's the kind of fucking car is it?

What kind of fucking car?

Okay.

I was telling him to get out of Crimea.

Yeah.

Well, that ain't going to be happening.

Bad news for you.

Okay, never mind.

Oops, I wasn't looking.

Okay, moving right along.

What's this now?

A 99 Kia Sportage.

All right.

Mr. Marza?

Yeah, hi.

You have a car?

Okay.

Is it a nice car?

You what?

Nice car?

Good car?

Hello?

Yeah, what can I do for you?

Yeah, Sharmuta.

Okay, hold on.

Okay.

Okay, what's up?

Business owner.

Sharmuta.

Fucker here.

yeah you sharmuda who's this oh this is cross cross who's cross that's me you asked me who i

am i said cross does that make sense to you okay what can i do for you first of all stop fucking

around okay i want to buy the fucking car motherfucker i held that long to do that

fuck motherfucker nope picked up and hung right up yeah the youtube video feed still having trouble

apparently just crashed and that's trying to come back up on its own Google

having some big problems with the Google Hangout platform today wow I'm just

gonna shut it off because it's annoying me there we go no more video do what I

want taking my pants back off okay we're getting some requests in the chat room

for Indian restaurants okay but most in the US won't be open right now I've got

We've got three in Scotland, if you want to try calling there.

Okay, let's do that.

Let's see how they act.

Let's turn in Dumfries, Dumfries, Scotland.

Okay.

On it.

Jump on it.

First one is India Palms.

India Palms.

Yeah, hey, boy.

How are you?

Okay.

Oh, I want to make an order.

Yeah, what can I get you?

Okay, one chicken tikka masala.

Okay.

Medium spice.

Okay.

One garlic naan.

Okay.

One bhenchod.

Sorry?

Bhenchod.

Sorry?

Bhenchod

You bastard

Bhenchod

You bastard

Is that it?

You'll be fucking funny

Yeah

Eh?

Eh

Who's that?

Sharmuta

Eh?

Bring your sister

Bring your sister in front of us

You fucking macho bastard

Bring your sister in front of us

Oh

Yeah

Here I'll apologize

You fucking macho bastard

He's still on the line isn't he?

Yeah

He slammed the phone

Hey

There he goes

It dropped

You dumb shit

It dropped

I got him

I got him.

I got the tractor beam on him.

Hello?

Yeah, hey.

Yeah, hey, I'd like to apologize.

My traveling companion is a little bit out of hand right now.

Hey, mate, I'm just going to end up phoning the police, all right?

No, no, don't hang up, please.

I'm going to phone the police.

No, we're very hungry.

I'm sorry.

Listen to me.

The police will be able to get your number, all right?

So I'm just going to phone the police now, okay?

Bye.

Hey, you stupid shit.

Wow, angry Baz.

Watch out.

Hang on, let me call him back.

Yes?

Who's it?

Don.

Nobody home right now, and I could yell.

Doesn't it feel good?

He's hanging right up.

Damn it!

All right, we'll do the sitar Indian.

That guy understood Banchu from the beginning.

I love those guys.

Yeah, he did.

Yeah.

I got to call back and ask him where he's from so I know specifically.

I'd like to make an order, please.

Sure, what would you like, sir?

My name is Don.

Yeah, what would you like?

I'd like one chicken tikka masala, one garlic naan.

Garlic naan?

Yes.

One Bhenchod.

Sorry?

One Bhenchod.

Bhenchod?

Chicken or lamb?

Your mother.

Sorry?

Your mother.

Mother Chud.

Chicken or lamb?

No.

Bring your mother.

Stinky pussy.

Bring your stinky mother here.

And I want to see, I want to have her.

Back to order.

Yeah, your mother.

Your mother.

Hi, mother.

Yeah, your mother.

Hello?

Yes, hello, Bhenchod.

I'm ordering your mother.

Your mother.

No.

Hey, it's your mother, you shit.

Your mother.

Motherfucker.

Oh, wow.

All right.

I'm calling.

Phone's busy.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

These Scottish Indians get pissed off.

Oh, damn.

They left the phone off the hook.

one call and they left the phone off the hook are you serious like choking his chicken right now

he's so mad they're like fuck dinner orders because over there it's 8 43 well it's getting

late right it's 8 43 there's actually one more up above the india planks that's that kish

all right let me get it here can i talk to him sure how can i help yeah good evening i'd like

to uh place an order for some food to uh take away please yes sir what would you like to have

today, please, sir? Yeah, is your food clean in your restaurant? Sorry, sir? I'm sorry. I'm an

American, and we're used to high standards of cleanliness. No, no, I can understand. The noise

is a little bit more. Now you can say that, sir. Yes. Can you hear me now? Yes, sir. Better. Yes,

I'm an American, so we're used to high standards of cleanliness. Do your cooks wash their hands

after they use the bathroom or masturbate?

Yes. Is your food clean, please?

Yes, sir. We have a food clean, very clean food.

Okay, great. I would like to make an order for chicken tikka masala.

Yeah?

Spicy. I want spicy hot.

Chicken tikka masala, spicy one.

Pardon? Say that again?

You want chicken tikka masala, spicy one?

Yes.

Okay, sir.

Yeah, I have a problem with the devil people, shitty devil people accent.

It's hard to hear sometimes.

I apologize.

Okay, no worries, no worries, yeah.

Okay, you don't have any devil people there?

Devil people?

What do you mean by devil people?

Sorry?

People that might want to do me harm when I come in.

Sir, you want to come?

No, what?

Where are you calling from?

Oh, I'm calling from Dumfries.

Where exactly in Dumfries, sir?

I don't know.

I'm not going to tell you.

I'm kind of scared now.

You sound hostile.

Sorry?

Can I just order papadums, too, please?

Papadums?

Yes, please.

please. I'm sorry. I just have, I have many phobias and many fears. You want chicken tikka

masala? You want popcorn? What else, sir? Yeah. Uh, one order of bancho. Bancho. Bancho. What is

bancho, sir? That's like where, where you, you bring your sister in front of me and then I take

her clothes off and then I spread mango chutney all over her and then I lick it off and then I'm

going to take a shit in your tandoori oven, you stupid shit. Hello? Oh man, he didn't get mad.

All right, we'll call the previous one.

I got really mad.

Yeah.

Was that another one?

Star Indian?

No, we called that one.

That was the one.

I only put three in, yeah.

Yep.

Here it is.

Let's see if they took their phone off the hook.

Yes, they did.

Yeah, hi.

I'd like to make an order.

What do you like?

Okay.

One chicken tikka masala.

One bhenchod.

Yeah.

Your sister.

Bhenchod?

What?

Just all of them.

Okay.

That's it.

He hung up.

Okay.

Sorry, man.

You're done fucked up.

You're going to the map.

Shit, I lost the map.

Come on, map, where are you?

I'm up there.

Here we go.

Where were we?

Denver?

Sometimes the Indian places still answer, though.

Indian restaurant in Denver, Colorado.

Here's Little India.

Let's try them.

A daily friend?

Yes.

On the man from phone number 770021.

Yeah, I know.

This is $50,000.

Thank you.

Good luck.

Thanks for calling Little India Champa.

Yeah, let's make an order, damn it.

Okay, one moment.

Hey, hello.

You said you want to make an order for pickup?

Yeah, but I had something to say that's important before you did that.

Okay.

Do you have, like, Indian people there?

Yes.

Oh, are they clean?

Sorry?

Are they clean?

Clean?

Yeah, are they clean?

Yes.

You sure?

As far as the kitchen, you mean?

Well, just like themselves.

Are they clean people?

Yes.

Okay, good.

Yes, they are.

Good, good.

They're nice people, too?

Yes.

Okay, are you white, or what are you?

Yes, I am.

Oh, good.

Thank God, right?

And I have worked in kitchens, or I have seen kitchens that year.

I have in mind, so I understand that.

Okay.

Can I talk?

Because I speak Indian.

Can I talk to one of the Indians, or can I?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks, honey.

I love you.

One moment.

All right.

Bye, baby.

Good evening, Sheila.

Hello.

Hi, Sheila.

Good evening.

Fantastic, Sheila.

You are so beautiful.

Your voice is so beautiful.

Thank you.

Hello, sweetheart.

sexy voice sexy body do you find me sexy hey do you want some i've got a bunch of

oh oh yeah hey you you guys you're indian right uh no but i do speak hindi oh but you're not

indian no where are you from nepal oh yeah yes oh because i wanted to order bhenchod you don't

Oh, yeah, that's you, right?

You have that?

Okay.

You knew it.

That is a bad word.

All right.

Call again.

I've got a whole list of O'Briens and Belfast.

Dark Stranger making a good point.

Thank you for calling Lillian Champa.

Yeah, can I speak to that guy again, please?

Yeah, he's actually helping a customer right now.

What's he doing with him?

He's, it's like he's setting a table.

Yeah.

Just put a menu down.

Oh, wow.

Okay, what is he introducing?

himself and all that no there's no customers actually i think he's just busting is he angry

is he angry he doesn't look angry and tell him to hurry up and you know come back tell him to

come back that it's important because you told me he was with customers yo yo banjoed at him

he'll get here quicker what a banjo da da da da da da da da da he hung up the owner must have

said you hung up hang up calling again they were voted the top lunch buffet in denver three years

years in a row.

The old fax trick.

Little India Champa. Yeah, what happened?

Why did you hang up?

Sir, can you please stop calling here? Did he say to hang up?

Yes. Why? He said you were being very rude.

Well, I was trying to, because I'm trying to see

if you have a specific thing that one of my

Indian friends told me, and apparently

it was a curse word. It was a joke that he was playing on me.

So I'm just trying to

if you can put him on just so I can apologize.

Tell him it's to say I'm sorry and explain.

Please? Well, he's

not available right now, but I will let him know that

you're deeply sorry and uh thank you okay all right and tell him that i didn't mean that about

his sister and all that that happened okay all right all right motherfucker bitch uh dude will

you call stop calling mom you gotta stop calling mom hey do you want to call some people in belfast

and wish them happy st patrick's day sure sure none of these are confirmed though so okay i'm

not lonesome loser i know it's okay you do the best you can no one can be a lonesome loser so

So, A.O. Brian.

A.O.

What's up, my girl?

I don't know.

Who?

Hey, is that O'Brien?

What's up?

Happy St. Patrick's Day.

Who's this?

Oh, this is Cross.

Did you do a lot of fucking and drinking today?

What?

You do a lot of drinking and fucking today?

Drinking alcohol and fucking bitches?

Who is this?

This is Cross.

Go and fuck your ma.

All right, well, that's not very nice.

Well.

Hey, you stole me lucky charm.

Go enjoy yourself and fuck your ma.

Yeah, well, I'm going to fuck this.

When you do that, honey, I'll give you that one, too, okay?

Your mother fucks a snake.

Oh, shit.

That was straight up Irish right there.

You know, he has been, right?

Can I take this one?

Yeah, same guy.

Hello?

Hello, where's your husband at?

I was just talking to him.

Speaking English, maybe we can hear you.

Let me talk to your husband.

I'm not married.

Are you a boy?

Pardon?

You sound like a boy.

You sound like a fucking asshole.

Yeah, you have boy parts down there?

Pardon?

You have boy parts, boy private parts?

Does your mother fuck fucking transvestites?

Fuck you, bitch woman.

She must be.

Your mother is a transvestite.

Oh, oh, oh.

She probably goes to Thailand and fucks all the men.

Hey, shut up.

Yeah, hell yeah.

Fuck your mother fuck bitches, bitch.

I want to take a peek in your knickers.

They're awfully fiery today.

They've been drinking all night.

They've been drinking all fucking week.

Hey, happy drunk motherfuckers day.

Happy Drunk Asshole Day.

Bitch.

Hey, boy.

Hey, I'm going to come nibble on your lucky charms.

And it smells like fish.

Yeah.

Okay.

Fish and dirty sheep.

They're staying on.

I'll keep them on and do another call.

Do you think that's a girl or a kid?

No.

Hey, happy St. Patrick's Day.

I'm Miles, Chief Miles O'Brien.

Yeah.

Is this B. O'Brien?

Yeah.

Happy St. Patty's Day, motherfucker.

Hello.

Good.

This is Miles O'Brien.

Yeah.

I'm from Starfleet.

And who's Starfleet?

I'm a chief engineering officer.

I'm stationed on Deep Space Nine, yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah, listen.

You do a lot of drinking and fucking today?

Fucking a lot of bitches and drinking?

Sorry, say it again.

It's a bad line.

Did you do a lot of drinking and fucking today?

Yeah.

Yeah, because today's a good day for fucking and drinking.

Listen, mate.

I don't know if you can hear that fucking foreign arsehole on the other line.

Tell him to fuck off.

There's some prick on the other line.

And I can hear you, English accent, some prick with another accent.

Don't listen to her.

She's lying.

She's a bitch liar.

Fuck off, you fucking arsehole.

I'm phoning the police, you cunt.

You do that, you bitch.

Fuck off, you prick.

You whore.

Don't listen to her.

She's a drunk fucking whore.

Yeah, she's drunk as fuck.

No, you're a fucking whore and your mother's a fucking whore.

Your mother fucks your son, mate.

Better still.

Listen to how you are.

She's got a dick.

Yeah.

She has boy private parts.

Why don't you settle down there, cunt?

She has a penis.

Your mother's fucking all the neighbors, man.

She's a slut, let me tell you.

You would know.

One testicle.

Takes one to know one.

Excuse me, ma'am, how many fingers can you put in your ass?

I'm calling a priest, Father O'Brien.

Yeah, because this bitch needs to be blessed.

She needs to be fucking, yeah.

She needs to be saved.

She needs to give her a douche so the devil comes out of her ass.

Hello?

Father O'Brien.

Speaking.

Happy St. Patrick's Day.

Happy Feast of St. Patrick's.

This is Chief Miles O'Brien.

I'm on Starfleet.

I'm a chief engineer on Deep Space Nine.

How are you?

I'm good.

Oh, good.

It's St. Patrick's Day.

Did you do a lot of drinking and fucking today?

A lot of fucking?

You're a sick cunt, mate.

Why don't you fuck off and annoy someone else?

Are you fucking a lot of bitches today, Father?

Did you drink any wine?

You probably drank wine today, right?

Yeah.

Lady, don't mess this up for us, okay?

This is important, what we're doing.

Father, we have a squirrely woman on the line.

She's deceived.

Father, he's saying he's a priest.

Yeah, it's a priest.

You're a sick fucking cunt.

Now fuck off.

I'm phoning the priest.

Fuck off, you asshole.

The person who called is on the phone.

Hey, we're trying to talk to our personal priest there, our father.

So you better lay off, bitch.

He's actually the priest in your town.

Do you go to the church?

Yes, you go.

Okay.

Hello.

Oh, hey, Father.

How are you?

Hello.

How many days?

We've got you on for two minutes now.

And I've got your phone tracked.

No, you don't.

No, you don't, motherfucker.

We've got your phone tracked now.

You've been on for two minutes.

No, you don't, you cunt.

Okay, you cunt.

Two minutes is a requirement to get us tracked.

Then we'd be fucked all over the place.

Father, are you still there?

Hello, you're not available now.

Please leave your name and phone number after this.

Okay.

We got to keep that old broad's number handy.

Shit.

Yeah.

And it all started by you telling her she sounds like a boy.

Well, I called her husband first.

Yeah, you were like the same guy.

And I'm like, let me talk to your husband.

She's like, I'm not married.

And I'm like, what?

You know, she got really quiet when you told her

that that was the priest from her town

because she thought, oh, shit,

he's probably going to recognize my voice.

I'm calling the priest.

Hello?

Father O'Brien?

Okay.

Father O'Brien's just going to listen.

Maybe he'll just silently pray for us.

I'll keep you on, Father O'Brien.

You talk if you feel like it.

We're calling Jay O'Brien.

Do you know him?

Roger that.

Yeah, is that Jay O'Brien?

It is, yeah.

Happy St. Patrick's Day.

Thank you.

Did you do a lot of drinking and fucking today?

no i guess not anyway all right baz you posted some more right here's k o brian yeah there's

knockout brian i wonder if they drink scotch in ireland here you take it ask me all right i'm

trying the next one uh prank mania just informed us of some uh nice little trivia it says the irish

have tiny sexual organs yeah that's what i hear and i saw that yeah an enigma said pee pee poo poo

that's fucked up enigma hey someone's calling someone's calling international oh shit maybe

Maybe it's police from the internet.

Report.

Hello.

Report.

Hello.

They hung up.

I should have just said hello.

I'll call them back.

Call my number and hang up, motherfucker.

That keeps it real.

Mm-mm-mm.

You know, it's not one of the numbers that we called, so it's a different number.

Hello.

Say something, motherfucker.

St. Patrick's Day.

It's the law.

You have to talk to us.

You dumb motherfucker, you.

All right, Baz.

You have to call yourself, you fucking low-life cunt.

Hey, it's her.

Oh, it's the dude, the man dude, the hermaphrodite.

The lady dude.

The lady boy.

The woman with the dick.

What's up?

We had a nice talk with your priest, and he doesn't think too highly of you, cunt.

Yeah, he said that he knows about your dick.

Yeah, there's big trouble now.

It's okay.

This is all being recorded for the play.

Oh, my God!

Oh, shit.

No, please don't.

Please don't.

You can't record it, because we still have the father on the line, and we're confessing

our sins.

that is against the law?

What the fuck is that?

See, they're devil people.

It's like a goat.

They're devil people.

Yeah, it's a goat too, right?

You got a goat over there, motherfucker?

You fucking a goat?

That's what them devil people like to keep as pets.

Anyway, Baz, M. O'Brien for you.

All right.

Number 157.

All right, no, nothing.

Sorry.

Hey, Dwight, what number is this you posted about JDF?

Dwight, Kent, hey.

All right, Baz, you were saying.

Go ahead, Baz.

Oh, I wasn't saying anything.

oh i thought you're gonna say something okay well we'll wait for ken to come back so we can do that

number that he posted there in the meantime the fucking my skype just lags like a bitch and i

can't hit the unmute button until it recovers man you're really dumb all right so what happened

what happened what number is this for j is this the same number that says one number says not

accepting calls right now let's see if they are now oh i got you all right let's see i think that

means that it's shut off though well he is at lunch so he may have shut it off well it means

The person you are calling cannot accept calls.

Like, shut off from the company, you know what I mean?

Oh, yeah, JDF didn't pay his fucking bill.

Yeah, or whoever has it there.

It's probably a Mexican.

I was trying to figure out where he was having lunch at,

but there's no distinguishing anything from the picture there.

Hey, did you guys save that incoming cell phone number from that lady?

Oh, no, I can't. I lost it.

Shit.

That was the, uh...

Yeah, I get it.

Hold on.

It had to cost her quite a bit of cash just to call and hang up on us.

Yeah.

Yeah, she went through with it, unless she has Skype.

Yeah, she called from a different number.

Maybe she was calling from Skype.

You know what I mean?

Maybe she's one of those.

She wants to start an international war.

Yeah, we got to watch out with that, man.

The Irish Army, man, will fuck us up.

Okay.

Hey.

Let's look at the map.

I heard there's a message here for you.

Oh, okay.

Good.

Skype chat.

Skype chat message.

It's from Zax.

What is it not, though?

Matt's doing a show tonight

That's right, it is Monday night

So he'll be doing a party time show tonight

When's he starting?

He starts at 9, like 11

I think he starts at 10

10 his time, right?

10 east, I believe

No, he's central though

Yeah, he's central

It's tonight, it's tonight

If you hang out in the Madhouse chat

You will get the word

Tonight

And according to Zach's, it's going to be a super drunk show

I don't know if they could compete with last week's.

That was fucking drunk beyond belief.

That was fun.

Yeah, I was on that show.

Remember, I took an Ambien for it.

I found a half an Ambien.

I was like, woohoo, let's party.

He was fucking laying on the floor.

Eda.

And I talked to her again.

She was sober, and she was still kind of talking like that.

I don't know what that means.

I had more Indian restaurants, and I cleared them out.

Let me get them.

Well, I'm kind of done with Indian restaurants right now.

Yeah.

Looking here.

Urban Realty.

There's a place called The Broker, but it's a food place.

I don't know about that.

Dentist, anybody?

And we got a clothing store called Family Affair.

All right, let's try that.

Fuck it.

Do it live.

Fuck it.

Do it live.

It is a big day for the Green Ranger, right?

It's St. Patrick's Day.

Yeah.

JDF is a big day for him.

Yeah, he's got a picture out there that says,

Happy Green Ranger Day or some shit like that.

he's the only ranger that won't get pinched yeah that's true yeah if his wife's not wearing green

i'm gonna squeeze her knockers instead of pinching her yeah i'm gonna use her instead

he should be the white i would i would tell that i was the white ranger not the green ranger the

white ranger was more it was cooler i thought than a green ranger now or the original green is

i never really watched it because when power rangers got big it was like my freshman year

in high school and i didn't care for shit like that anymore yeah my my kid was into it for a

a while so we've got a bunch of dvds downstairs yeah yeah my nephew was in it for a while he kept

saying he was gonna cut me with a power ranger sword all the time i'm like great thanks kid

appreciate that actually yeah he was a power ranger for uh halloween one year i think when

he was five here you go carlito here are the tits we were talking to on the phone there okay

i'll check give me a second i'm copying a number first i found a fitness studio here we'll call

also all right what did you send now what is this that's the chick we were talking to his wife okay

not bad and how do you know this because he puts her pictures on there all the fucking time

like he put one i think she was wearing some type of ranger outfit and shit too he i don't know he

whores her out on there all the time she's older than him right totally right i think so because

he he was he was 19 when i was 14 because you know uh he started his show the show when i was

19 and i was 14 at the time i don't know she's got to be older yeah anyway she's all right for

her age for a 50 year old she'd be all right even a late 40 year old she'd be all right all right

anyway i was gonna call someone then i gotta pee if i'm gonna keep doing a show i'm gonna have to

take a break uh fitness studio let's do it still waiting for it to connect that's a bullshit

yeah okay i just found a picture where you can really tell that she's had a rough life

Okay.

She got them wrinkles.

All right, listen.

Yeah, she looks like she was rode hard and put away wet.

Nice.

I like those tits, though.

I'm going to jerk off to those later.

Listen, I got to go pee real quick.

I'll be right back.

Give me about five of the minutes.

You guys hang on, all right?

Okay.

Don't talk during the break.

You know that pisses me off.

Both of you.

All right, be right back.

Thank you.

We've been chastised.

You put your GPS in the trap door at the bottom.

So when you die, you open that trap door at the bottom.

You check the GPS and you go straight down to the hell.

House Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

Make some noise!

Alright,

I'm back

Thank you for hanging in there

Not sure if the other guys are here

Guys, are you here?

Oh, hang on

I fixed it now

Hey guys, now you're here

hey i'm here kim kim's sick and shit okay that's good that's good he needs to do that all right

you guys did you guys get any more numbers i should know about before i keep looking

uh no uh nina was asking me if we called bangladeshi's and stoke on trent but he hasn't

sent me any numbers oh hey i've got a bunch of numbers that dashy sent me okay okay all right

let me afford those on there um i guess he posted a craigslist ad for uh magic the gathering cards

for free okay all right cool and so here's uh some people that responded all right awesome

those are always fun oh shit those aren't they're not uh formatted uh all right yeah

yeah it makes it much easier um all right i'll let you do that while i call a 24-hour fitness

shout out to brad carter rbcpp rvpp you hear kdk this weekend he's quite talkative

We're calling 24-Hour Fitness.

With state-of-the-art equipment, certified personal trainers, and more than 400 clubs open up to 24 hours,

we're committed to helping you meet your goals on your time.

If you know your party's extension, you may dial it now.

For new membership information, press 1.

For club addresses...

This is Chaz at 24 Colorado. I'll meet him.

Oh, what's up, man?

How you doing?

Good, man. I'm looking to see if you guys...

Do you have any problems with synthol use down there?

With what?

Synthol.

What's that?

that synthol it's like it's a fat you inject in your muscle to make it look bigger i don't believe

so why i just want to make sure there's no problem because i i do it there like because

you got the mirrors all around i like to get a round look you know around my uh whole body

and see where i got to inject the injective uh synthol you know where i got injected what's

that buddy i don't believe so man you don't think it's a problem no okay are you are you a member

uh i'm going to be i'm going to be do you have rules against like do you have like a rule about

About looking at girls and stuff.

Like, looking at the other girls.

Hold on a second.

Let me put you on hold real quick, all right?

All right, motherfucker.

Yeah, hey, bro.

What's up?

Oh, I hung up.

Oops.

I hung up on the wrong one.

Not sure you're ready to join 24-Hour Fitness?

No problem.

Give your number to Brad Carter, and he will let you know.

Hi, thanks for calling Planet Fitness.

This is Sonja speaking.

I'm sorry.

I hung up the phone on accident, bro.

How are you doing?

Oh, great.

I'm great.

How are you?

Yeah, I wanted to come in.

Can I talk to a man?

A man?

Yeah, because to talk to you, you're a woman, you know,

and it's like you don't have the same kind of workout and all that,

same kind of abilities.

No worry.

Let me pass you on.

Give me just a second.

All right, bro.

Should I try to get Turbo back or, like, what's up with him?

I don't know.

I messaged him and asked him, where'd you go, but he didn't answer.

Maybe he fell asleep.

Could have, but usually he hung up, though.

Hey, bro, how are you?

This is Eddie.

I wanted to come down and work out.

I want to see the kind of machines you got,

but i want to clear some stuff out first hello well like i don't want to have problems i talk

to women sometimes a lot and i just look at them while i'm working out like i like to

have women around you know i smoke some weed in my car and then i come in and like to have women

around while i'm working out and i watch them while i lift a power lift and all that stuff

yeah is this a is this an integrated like you know co-ed kind of place or they're gonna be

nice hot women around i think your call is appropriate come on man come on you know where

i'm coming from bro i do not all right let me ask you this from the weight benches are the

the women's um uh stair masters like facing away from me so i can see them from behind

and ask me what about the treadmills which way do they face the treadmills there you have a

yes trying your call to be highly inappropriate can i ask a serious question as soon as i hang

Hang up the phone.

I command you to answer me.

As soon as I hang up the phone, I'm going to dial star 5-7.

I've got a serious question, sir.

I'm going to have my friends over at the police department trace the call.

You don't have any friends there.

Sir?

Oh, I do.

This is David Snozzwell.

I've got a serious question.

Can I ask it?

Hello?

Yes.

You know, I'm a member, and I've got a little bit of a problem.

I was wondering if I have to adjust my groin cup frequently.

consequently um it kind of rides a little funny so i'm sticking my hands down my pants a lot

is that going to be a problem will that be uh misconstrued to be highly inappropriate you have

the rodeo rodeo machine there you know the bucking baronco the electronic bull all right i'll call a

different planet fitness they have really big rules about not being a juice head and making

grunting noises and stuff there that's why i like messing with them so that's synthol is that what

what people are injecting into their muscles to make them look big yeah it makes it's like a fat

synthetic fat and it makes them look all big and then yeah it's a big controversy now that

like all the pros are doing it there's no way to really yeah yeah nope this is a different one

i'm gonna answer come on that guy's calling his friends at the police thank you for calling

planet fitness how can i help you yeah hi i was wondering about getting a excuse me i was

I was wondering about getting a membership there.

I like to lift and stuff.

What direction do the treadmills face?

You want north, south, east, west?

No, like do they face away from the heavy equipment or towards it?

Yes.

Away?

Yeah, they face out into the parking lot.

I don't know if you've been by the location here, but they face out into the parking lot.

Oh, all right.

So then while I'm working out, I can see everyone from behind, right?

right um when you're on say um if you're using the free weight yeah uh you'll be if you're staring

into the mirror then yeah you'd be looking out into everyone else otherwise very nice and they

won't know they won't even know because they're facing the other way and i'm looking in the mirror

so i can see what's going on right all right all right so and what's closest uh to the weights

to the freeway area is stairs or treadmills uh cardio equipment it would be the ellipticals

Oh, nice. So I can, I'll be able to see the elliptical, see the women, their whole body moving, using the elliptical, like from behind the ass and everything, the nape of their necks.

Yeah. I guess, have you ever been to a plant fitness before?

Yeah. Yeah, man.

Do you know what we're, did you go to the tour and everything? And have you heard what we're about?

The gym's a gem, bro. I mean, it's like whatever, you know?

Okay.

Yeah, I'm new in town.

I need a place to lift.

I've totally got to work on my quads again and my upper delts.

I need some toning up too.

So, well, I don't know if necessarily we're going to be the gym for you.

The way that Planet Fitness works is we're known for our judgment-free zone.

Nice.

And what that means, we don't cater towards bodybuilders or powerlifters.

Most of our gym users are first-time gym users,

so we try to keep it really relaxed, comfortable, you know, free workout.

kind of thing yeah so i'll be doing my own thing and i can watch i can watch all these new women

you know he's trying not gonna be that too many women women to watch the problem um if that's

what you're looking for then probably planet isn't what you're well i just i'd like to have

nice looking women around the gym while i'm working out you know give a little eye a little

real estate to look at you know what i mean and there's some hot broads there's some hot broads

in this town you know do you know what kind of like our our free weights just go up to uh 75

pounds um there's nothing more than that um it's uh i would probably suggest at this point you're

probably stopping by and taking a tour of the gym just to see what we're what totally yeah i'll come

dress me and me and my bro baz he spots for me he's gonna come with me too hey do you real quick

i'm gonna put him on but real quick uh the machines you have do you have a horse machine

Gene, do you have the electric bull there?

No.

You don't have an electric bull there?

Okay.

All right.

What about a Sibian?

No.

Okay.

All right.

Yeah, I'm going to put my bro Baz.

Bro Baz, go ahead.

Hey, this is Baz.

So you said that your free weights only go up to 75 pounds?

Mm-hmm.

That would be perfect for me because I don't work out a lot.

I just want to just keep in shape and maintain my muscle tone.

I'm not necessarily looking to bulk up, you know what I mean?

We'll lift some equipment, too.

We'll add more weight.

We'll find stuff to pick up.

The question is, do you have masking tape available or electrical tape at the desk when we check in?

No.

Well, I guess you said it is a judgment-free zone.

I tend to get kind of excited when I'm working out, and I tend to get an erection.

So I thought maybe I should just tape that bitch down so it doesn't pop out.

But if it's a judgment-free zone, nobody's going to point and look.

Yeah, so I usually tape my penis down.

Then if I get an erection, it doesn't stick out like a big flagpole.

But if it's a judgment-free zone, it wouldn't matter, would it?

Nobody's going to judge me, right?

Nobody's going to judge me.

You said it's a judgment-free zone.

Yeah, well, we can tape it back, you know, like RuPaul does,

or just wear a cup, bro.

Yeah.

Okay, yeah.

But then we've got to keep adjusting the cup all the time

because we've got big fucking dicks, you know?

We don't juice for nothing like that.

We've got big balls and big dicks,

so we've always got to adjust all the time.

So we've always got our hands on our pants adjusting.

I have a lot of things to do right now, and I'm sorry.

My testicles are full of testosterone.

How's the real estate there right now?

We're thinking about coming down now for a tour.

How's the real estate there now?

Not very good.

No?

No.

There's no hotties there?

No eights or nines?

Can I come down and whack off?

You got a couple fives also for that?

If you want to, sure, you can come on and do that,

and I'll just call the cops, but that's up to you.

Do you got a couple fives there?

What do you got going on right now, women-wise?

Look, guys, it's been really fun talking to you,

but I got to get going. Thanks.

I had a 10 once, two fives at the same time.

That counts like a 10 in my book, motherfucker, and I did.

Yeah.

That's the way I went.

That's the way I looked at it.

Nice.

I got about 10 minutes left,

then i gotta go uh pick up the kid machines i'm gonna at the top of the hour i'm gonna end so

that would leave me with 10 more after that probably all right for 15 i don't know oh

ken's here we got him all right what are these numbers from dashie again these are people

interested in the cards yeah he he put a fake craigslist ad in offering free magic the gathering

cards in san francisco okay these are people that want the free cards oh man i don't remember which

sets or let me see what sets are hot now magic the gathering i haven't played in so long just

educate myself i like that third number it's the number of the person is grandma rebecca grandma

she probably wants him for she's a grandma i'm guessing that's what's going on yeah yeah is there

is there a is there a list somewhere where i can see because you know that every every year they

come out with like a series you know an update i got i'm they're gonna be like which ones are

are they dude and i'm like oh i never i never got into that i'm gonna be like uh miss rose

someone in the chat room now any you magic players in there what's the current release

i'm looking you got that card that gives uh plus five to uh penis length or something

level five power sword we tell them we have a black lotus i'm gonna tell them i have one of

the black because the black lotus i know is like thousands of dollars i gotta say i got this

fucking it says black lotus i don't know yeah that's what i'm gonna tell them that that's one

of them fuck it and listen to them uh cream their pants yeah all right all right here we go i'm just

gonna tell my i'm gonna tell the truth i used to play up until i graduated from high school i

played after that too i played in college lost chat connection did we lose everything else okay

no we didn't it was just chat you did too yeah yeah i reconnected was it a net split maybe your

Your call has been forwarded.

We'll do the next one.

Big Gerold.

Gerold.

Oh, I dropped it.

Let us Verizon ring back on while your party is reached.

Baby, baby.

Grandma Rebecca isn't going to know what the fuck a black lotus is if she really is a grandma.

Yeah, she's had a few black lotuses in her day all day.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice message.

She's got a black lotus now.

Catch my drift.

Gerald Richardson.

Gerold Richardson.

Josh.

Big Josh.

Josh.

Are you not calling Granny?

Not yet, because she's not going to know what a black lotus is.

Oh, come on.

Kevin.

Come on, Kevin.

This is our last one.

No.

Yeah, Kevin.

Or Josh.

Kevin.

Hey, buddy.

I found those magic cards my parents' house.

My mom just passed away, so my dad is having me clean out all the old stuff.

And there was, like, tons of stuff when I was in high school.

And there was, like, a box of magic cards.

cards i haven't played this crap in so long i don't care for it i'm just trying to get rid of

it i can go through some of the cards let you know there's like some it says go something hang

on armageddon is that a card okay yeah all right and then like my friend was looking at some of

them and he said that they were like revised edition i think he said revised edition stuff

stuff you do you know what that means yeah okay i got odyssey stuff torment stuff judgment stuff

okay i was pretty old i they gotta be old because this is when i was in high school still i'm

guessing right yeah i never i never was really good all right there's uh then separate i have

like some loose cards like this one says black lotus i don't know if that's any good it says

It says adds three mana of any single color of your choice to your mana pool.

Because mana is what you tap.

You do the tapping thing, right?

Isn't that what it is?

Yep.

So then, yeah.

I don't care for this.

I know there's a, yeah.

Anyway, Black Lotus.

I don't know if that means, if that's a good card or not.

Yep, very good.

Okay.

All right.

Did you want to meet up somewhere?

No.

I need to get, I'm just trying to get rid of some stuff.

I got a Nintendo 64 here also.

There's a gold Zelda cartridge, and it has a yellow, like a banana yellow controller

with a copy of Donkey Kong 64.

Honestly, if the cards are in addition at all, you should look to sell those

because Black Lotus should be worth quite a lot.

Really?

Yep.

Like pawn store a lot, maybe?

Like a card store.

Go to a comic shop.

Like a comic shop, you think?

Yeah, comic shops will pay good money for that.

That's why I figured you must be trolling me because Black Lotus is like magic.

and i have some of these cards i just have some of these cards since like 96 95 right yeah yeah

well you should uh you should take those to your shop and tell them you got a lot of money fuck

let me put baz on the line i don't want to deal with this shit baz hey yeah hey this is uh baz

you know like he said we're cleaning out this estate here and uh she just passed away and she

actually has some 2014 cards uh they look like they're shit cards but they're like banisher

or Priest, Young Pyromancer,

Shadowborn Demon.

I don't know. Do you want those?

I was on the line

that some of the older cards

are a lot.

They're just cards.

I got Earthworm

Gem, Clay Fighters

33 and a third,

Mortal Kombat Ultimate.

How can a card

possibly be worth that much?

These are just bubble gun cards.

I know nothing about it.

People will pay for it, and because it's, like, some of those cards are really rare.

Yeah, you could be talking hundreds or even, yeah, like, hundreds of dollars for a single card, depending on what card.

Yeah, but aren't these, like, just, you know, little kids whose testicles haven't descended yet?

Don't they just sit around and play these stupid games with their friends?

I'll give you the card.

I'll give it to you if you suck my dick.

Yeah.

We're just trying to lure you in for a sexual encounter.

counter are you bisexual good one then are you bisexual i'm not oh you're straight have a good

one you're a straight boy cat all right we'll just you can just master people you can just

smash okay no problem thanks he knows he knows what's up well enjoy trouble people all right

let's call grandma yeah grandma can you stay still baz or are you a motherfucker yeah i could

stay for a few minutes yeah can i want to hear granny granny becky black lotus you didn't get

real excited about it at least he was honest well yeah when he bought it he was honest though he was

like you know yeah hello grandma you want to take a black load grandma granny granny becky got a big

black load for you no answer open wide i can't work with them but they don't want to answer yeah

no i mean but uh most people just say oh yeah black lotus that's okay i'll take it off your

hands for you yeah oh yeah yeah expect them to get really crazy like oh yeah here's an incoming

coming call let's see if it's police oh hello who's this cross is this grandma rebecca yes

oh hey baby how you doing cross it's grandma rebecca hey we have we have some magic cards

you contacted us for them oh yes yes yeah i'm looking at them right now i'm looking at them

right now oh awesome we have black lotus you have what black lotus no cool that's cool we got big

Big Pussy, I guess.

He's a prick.

That's the name of the card.

Cream Street.

Cream Pie.

We got Cream Street 3 cards.

They're like the music's playing.

Yeah, what's up?

Yeah, I've got the Big Ken card.

That's the most expensive one.

Let me try to call it back.

Did you disconnect there?

What happened, honey?

Excuse me?

Did you disconnect?

Yeah, I did.

I'm just reading the name of the cards.

Okay, well, we don't want those cards.

Well, they're free.

Come on.

You're going to harass me because I don't want your free shit?

Are you fucking serious?

Are you really a grandma?

Hey, Granny.

You're really a douchebag, huh?

You had a kid when you were like 14 and your daughter did too?

Are you like...

I had sex when you were young.

Are you like a 30-year-old grandma?

I think that's what's up.

She doesn't sound like she's that much older than 30.

No.

Damn.

Her pop went out at 15 and then her daughter did too.

I guess.

Hey, son.

Hi.

All right.

All right, I should call her back again if she answers.

All right, sure, why not?

Let me get back up here to Grandma Rebecca.

Rebecca's got a new phone.

Anyway, leave a message with the details and a phone number.

I can review my phone book, and I'll get back to you soon as possible.

Thank you.

At the tone, please record your message.

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Hey, Granny, this is David.

Why don't you dust off that cooter and get ready for my big black lotus?

You know you want it.

Here's his big can.

It's the plumber.

Plumber?

I didn't call him plumber.

Oh, yeah.

Grandma Becky.

Sorry, Grandma Becky.

You're prettier than those sheep.

I don't know about being as tight as those sheep.

We'll squeeze it in.

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Hey, Granny, this is David.

Why don't you dust off that cleaner and get ready for my big black notice?

I know you want it.

Here's Big Ken.

Slumber.

Can you call him slumber?

Oh, yeah.

I'm a big, I'm a big, you're prettier than those sheep.

I don't know about the people fighting those sheep.

If you are satisfied with your message, press 1 to send your message with normal delivery.

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Your message has been sent.

Goodbye.

Bye.

There you go.

That's a crazy-ass fucking message we just left.

All right.

I got to go.

All right.

See you later, buddy.

That was fun.

All right.

Thanks for being on.

I'll do a few more, Ken, if you want to stay on with me.

If not, you can go.

That's fine.

Yeah, my niece decided once she saw Baz's chicken picture, she had to cock-a-doodle-doo

into the fucking microphone.

Gotcha.

She keeps running in and out of here.

Will you play with me?

I was like, I'm doing something.

I'm busy.

Damn you.

Oh, man.

How old is your niece?

She just turned five.

Okay.

She just wants to play.

She thinks I've got to play something with her all the time.

Yeah.

That's all they worry about, man.

I'm like, go play with your dad.

All right.

You're 7-11 in Denver.

Let's ask if they'll play with us.

I

want them to sell me individual condoms.

I don't want to buy a whole bag.

You got to go to the bathroom for them.

You can get them.

You need quarters, though.

I'm going to reuse it.

I'm going to wash it out and use it again.

I think it's like three quarters.

This is 7-Eleven.

Yeah, hey, honey.

Hey.

hey me and dwight we're gonna go down there with our niece can you watch her for a little bit while

we do some stuff um you're talking to 7-eleven yeah i know because we're going to 7-eleven and

you can just watch watch our niece she's four just watch her she just play with her a little

bit while we get some stuff yeah you don't you don't understand like she gets really mad she

will break things in there like she last time we went to a store she started breaking jars of

of pickles like she was just picking them up and over her head and throwing them down on the ground

if she's not entertained it's really bad it has to be two of us yeah we have her on a leash and

everything but seriously like feel free to yank on the leash really hard too as that last time she

got the uh the uh slurpy machine uh down into the on position and broke the fucking handle off yeah

and she like popped the top off and climbed up and she took a shit and a piss in it she's like

like oh daddy look like i take a shit

bitch the kid on the leash and it takes

two of us to go out it's not even our

kid we just don't want it anymore

it's yours now she ain't answering now

here's an army surplus store right next

i really hope that tammy tells jdf about

the interesting conversation earlier

yeah maybe maybe i should have given the

website i don't know she seemed like she

was in a good mood about it he seems

like he'd be in a good mood about it

she's sitting there are you the people that call me all the time like that's not the half of it

lady if you're new this shit that unk has done hey i'm your new surplus this is laura may i help

you yeah can you watch our kid for a little bit when we go down there i'm sorry can you watch the

kid now while we go down there we're bringing our neph or our niece she's really bad she breaks

stuff in stores all the time she picks stuff up and breaks them uh yeah i'm sorry you have a wrong

number no wait it's the army surplus store well she has a problem with shit in her pants but i

can't afford diapers yeah we're at the 7-eleven next door she just broke a jar of pickles here

as a matter of fact like she picked it up and threw it against the wall on purpose she's crazy

she's like autistic or something what's going on our niece we're watching our niece it takes two

of us to wash her watch her and we're at the 7-eleven next door and she gets out of control

like she just broke a jar of pickles she picked it up off the shelf at 7-eleven and threw it

against the wall okay and then she held down the slurpee machine like she held the thing down the

handle and it made a big mess and the handle broke and it kept going and going they had to unplug it

okay so anyway we need to come next door we're going to look at the army surplus store but can

one of you guys like watch her her she's really she's really sweet it's just that you know i like

we're i'm raising her i'm the uncle the both parents are in jail right now are you talking

You're talking about Doreen?

Yeah.

Doreen's not here.

She left for the day.

Yeah, I know.

But I'm coming in.

I need to check some stuff out at your store.

You see?

But in order for me to do that, I need you to watch the stupid kid.

How old is she or what?

Somebody fuck her.

Yeah, she's four.

Ew.

Yeah, but she's out of control.

Like, she breaks stuff.

We were just here at 7-Eleven next door.

Uh-huh.

And she picked up a jar of pickles and threw it.

She does it all the time.

I don't know that I have anybody.

Where are the pickles?

I have time to watch the little girl.

The pickles are on the floor.

You're not getting pickles because you dropped them on the floor.

I'm getting pickles.

No pickles.

You dropped them on the floor.

We have a leash on her.

You just hang on to the leash and you yank.

It's around her neck.

Where are the pickles?

Do you have pickles there you can give her?

If you have pickles, she'll eat those.

That'll keep her occupied for like 10 seconds.

Are you going to shop right away because we don't babysit?

Yeah, we won't be that long.

We need a level 10 power sword.

Huh?

We need a level 10 power sword.

A sword?

Yeah, a level 10 power sword.

I don't have any swords.

All right.

Do you have, like, canteens and stuff like that?

I have canteens and stuff.

Yeah, that's what I need then.

I'll do canteens.

I'm going to get some canteens.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't have anybody here that's going to babysit for you.

You're a woman.

You can do it.

I'm just going to give you the, just hang on to the leash and talk to her and say, hey, little baby, baby, baby, like that to her, you know?

No, I'm a manager.

I don't have time to be babysitting.

We're all working.

It's from, come on, it's part of your job.

I'm coming in the shop.

It's not part of my job to babysit for the child that you have.

Listen, don't make me curse in front of her, okay?

All right?

Now you're starting to really.

Excuse you?

You have a good day, okay?

Mother effer.

Eff.

Oh, boy, that's cute.

Yeah, that was funny.

She did a good job, your niece there.

I didn't want to curse in front of her.

Oh, she can't hear.

I got my headset on.

Okay.

I just tell her what to say.

I'm saying, say, I want more pickles.

and she's like i want more pickles and i mute the mic okay yeah all right well to the two of you i'm

leaving so i'll see you later dwight ken take care all right bye bye little girl and bye everybody

else thank you for tuning in to madhouse monday show i got dinner to cook and games to play on

my pc machine thanks for joining me i will do another show thursday hopefully videos working

and by then hopefully google gets their shit straight google google google and i got nothing

else to say madhouse live.com is a website tune in um laugh track matt tonight sometime around 10

p.m eastern all the neighbors man she's a let me tell you

Calls (30, 1 h 16 min of 2 h 6 min)

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