We Take Our Shits Down Here

No, sir, we don't. We don't even go to the rooms because we have our toilet down here.

We take our shits down here. We don't go to your rooms.

You're listening to Madhouse Live.

I'm the largest prank call station in the nation.

Prank call nation.

All right. That's what we were missing.

Missing a little applause.

Who's that mic up a little bit?

Hey, everybody. It's Madhouse Radio.

And I am Carlito, the host of said show.

Of course. You knew that. You knew that part.

I'm going to be doing a show, as I normally try to do on Thursdays.

Can't stay up too late tonight.

I have a medical appointment early in the morning.

But I did take a long nap today, so my sleeping is all screwed up.

So I probably would be able to stay up if I don't force myself to sleep.

I'm looking at request-a-pranks right now.

I'm going to be calling those.

We have about 11 of them, or about 10, more like 10, in the request-a-prank inbox.

inbox if you want to add yours to that you can do so that's over at madhouse live.com hit the

request to prank link and fill out the form and go ahead and send it in to me i'll take care of

it smooth it down a little bit with the music let's take it easy tonight gotta be super

pepped up up tonight all right well listen if you're watching on the youtube or google hangout

right now that's great you get a video feed of me as well as a look at the chat room you should

you join that chat room if you're only watching or listening for that matter if that's all you're

doing that's also at madhouse live.com chat room later on tonight i'll be giving off some giving

out some important information regarding the changes that have been mentioned and talked about

here and there that are coming to our network here i'll explain that a little more in depth

i'll explain the reasoning for me doing it and what the plan is i'll wait to let more of our

live listeners tune in they usually start peaking around 10 30 11 p.m eastern everyone starts

getting home who might be out late after work on the west coast anyway you can send those prank

requests in the chat room also uh if you don't fill out a request to prank uh the the best way

is request to print go to the site fill out the form send it done i get it here trust me if you

You send it to me in an IRC chat bubble.

I may or may not get it.

It goes to lower priority, to be honest with you.

Unless you're a lonesome loser.

He's my man, my confirmation guy.

Other than that, it might get skipped over.

So use the form.

That's what it's there for.

Use it or lose it.

Anyway, enough bullshit about that.

Here's a request to prank that came in about two hours ago from a user named Poon Sandwich.

Fan of the Madhouse Show sends us a number in Vegas for a dude named Art.

information on art is that he moved to vegas from la recently many well many months ago he never got

a nevada license plate he lives in an apartment and a fat neighbor that lives across the complex

that he lives in sits outside every day and watches people like a creep the fat dude called

the dmv and ratted him out for not getting a license plate changed to nevada after moving

from cali for over six months his car was black flagged and now has to pay a bunch of fines for

living there wow and he's really pissed he has a bad temper black short hair drives the older lexus

oh look at that mr lexus huh i never like i never cared for lexus lexi lexuses lexi whatever it is

i'm looking at the camera telling you this my sexy puerto rican looks chiseled looks um they

were just expensive toyotas the way i see it i'd rather have a bmw if i was going to spend that kind

out of money maybe even a mercedes why not go all out why stop at the lexus right that's the kmart

of luxury cars and what was an avalon didn't even make the avalon anymore that was a stupid shit

it's like it's a lexus but it's a toyota it's somewhere in the middle it's an avalon that

happened a lot with with cars that during that era late 90s early 2000s there were some really

stupid car fucking ideas that usually happens like every 20 years in the cycle um but like

Like, remember the Aztec?

Remember that?

It was like an SUV that you could camp in.

It was all plastic-y and orange, and it looked weird.

It looked like a trapezoid.

Who made that?

It was an American company, the Aztec.

A-Z-T-E-K.

I think it only got made for three years or something like that.

Isn't that what the dude on Breaking Bad drove?

I think that's the case.

I think he drove an Aztec.

Anyway.

Walter White.

All right.

Getting confirmation.

Thank you, chat room.

My homies.

All right.

request a prank and that number the first number of the night coming right up thank you well hello

there handsome how are you doing art oh who is this oh this is bill i'm with department motor

vehicles following up on your recent interaction regarding your night license plate issue uh did

you have a pleasant experience with that i mean yeah i mean i did my payment and that's it oh yeah

Yeah? Yeah? And you expect us just to let you drive again, like normal?

Let you get away with it? Huh?

Aw, he hung up. I don't know what I'm thinking here.

The first prank, you know, I say it every week.

First prank is a piece of shit. Not all the time, but most of the time.

Where's my water?

Joe posting a car for some kind of British vehicle called a Metro.

Not a Geo Metro, mind you, just a Metro.

I think it's an Austin Metro.

The thing looks ugly as fuck. What year did this come out? Holy shit.

great space for great britain ah may 1980 according to car magazine wow dude derrick the

ferret i think someone else confirmed this already before him but uh pontiac made the aztec there you

go wolfcock is happy with his scion which is what uh it's a toyota geared to a younger market

how do you gear a car to a younger market let's give it different shapes okay well i mean they

put the same engine in it so the scion probably has what like a toyota corolla engine in it i'm

guessing all right it's cool whatever all right here's a number four a brenda whose son is

harassing children on facebook this is this involves children so we must be careful and

respectful we can't talk about sex or fucking or beating up or anything like that your call

has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system that song you know how many times i've

heard this song oh god lonesome losers here hey lonesome have you heard about the lonesome loser

he's a mother fucking friend of mine the how it goes i don't have that song let me see if i got

that my guess is that's where lonesome loser gets his name you must really like the little river band

let's play him here not on youtube of course have you heard about him uh ever lonesome sending in a

a number for morton's steakhouse in puerto rico all right morton's morton's makes one hell of a

steak seasoning ladies and gentlemen i suggest you try it and all their lines of spices meat

tenderizers marinades and seasonings morton's corporation sponsor the first

oh hey big paola how are you big girl big sexy hello hey how are you big sexy how are you

how may i help you oh good yeah i wanted to have a steak dinner with my wife i'm on vacation

i'm from america okay all right so first of all do you accept united states money

may i help you sir do you expect do you accept dollars yeah from the united states yeah i just

want to make sure yeah i don't know if i don't know if i had the there was an exchange rate

what's the exchange rate no we don't know we accept the united states usas dollars we also

Also, I have American Express, Visa, MasterCard, anything like that.

Oh, wow.

How convenient.

That's very progressive of this country.

Okay.

That's great.

All right.

So, listen.

What's going on is I've been cheating on my wife, and my mistress is here already.

She already flew in ahead.

So, I'm going to ditch my wife because I came on business, and she wanted to tag along.

So, I just want to get the divorcing and all this over with.

So, I'm going to tell her the truth over dinner.

I wanted to tell her dinner, you know?

No.

Okay.

So, anyway, this place is recommended by somebody to us to come to.

But I want to make sure, like, after the meal, I'm going to tell her, you know, to be honest with her, that I'm cheating on her with her sister-in-law.

Okay?

So, no, with her sister, my sister-in-law.

Anyway, so, I need you to not have any knives on the table at that point.

Do you think you can do that?

What day are you coming?

Huh?

Huh? But no, she gets really violent and upset. That's why I'm getting...

No, I'm asking you, what day are you coming to eat here, Morton?

Tomorrow. It's too late now. Tomorrow.

Tomorrow, under what name?

Well, put it under Cross. Put it under my last name.

At what time, sir?

How about 7? I know it's a Friday. Do you have that?

I'm sorry?

Do you have 7 available? It's a Friday.

We have 7.15 available.

Okay.

Would that be okay with you?

Yes, that's fine.

everything for two people yeah but listen please cross i'm sorry cross cross yeah okay and what's

your first name sir just cross that's it cross that's just my name cross oh are you staying in

the hotel no staying at a different i'm staying at the san juan uh oh what's it called the san

juan beach and resort it's further down that the main stretch you know i forget what it's called

Okay, we have the...

Do you know the big blue one?

The big blue one?

You know the one?

And Isla Verde in Florida.

Okay, may I have your room number, please?

You know where the Walgreens is?

Yes, I know.

What's it called?

Because I'm not there now.

I forget.

What's it called?

San Juan Beach Hotel, sir.

Yes, the San Juan Beach Hotel.

Thank you.

Okay.

May I have your room number, please?

It's 114.

114, okay.

Okay, and you want to not be any knives on your table?

That will be your request?

Well, I mean, I'm going to eat steak.

Obviously, I need a steak knife, right?

Uh-huh.

But at the end of it, I kindly need very sneaky, you know,

like so no one notices towards the end, not after we're done eating,

but right when we're finishing, just kindly come and take the knives away.

way and also no don't serve any hot coffee because one time she threw um she threw hot coffee in my

face and i had a little bit of damage uh like a little bit of skin damage but it healed up but i

had to use a cream for about a month so no hot coffee because she will throw it like at me and

also do you have soups do you serve soups there yes we also serve soup here can you not mention

the soup of the day or just don't mention it i will turn that to a waiter let me put in your

request yeah don't no don't mention soup no hot coffee coffee or soup and no knives you know what

no knives at all forget it no knives no knives at all do you have any strong waiters there that

can be the waiter just in case i need backup yes we do yeah because she's this woman she is nuts

nuts i mean yeah like when she's doing her drugs and stuff like that i don't know if she'll find

some or something like that because she's crazy like that she puts the them in a condom and puts

them inside her you know and like her vagina i'm sorry to talk like that and that's that when she

flies like we take these trips and she did that again she puts pills in there and then she crushes

them up she takes it out of her inside of her and she she crushes them up and then she snorts them

with with 20 bills in the hotel room and you know she used to do it in front of my children

she's crazy she breaks a mirror almost every time we go on vacation somewhere she breaks a mirror

that i just gotta let you guys know about that too and that's not okay and that's i mean imagine

that's on little things like when like she gets upset at someone wearing the same shoes she have

if you can imagine like when i tell her i'm fucking her sister oh my fucking god but i gotta do it in

in public because if not she's gonna she'll fucking she'll kill me like if i try to say

to her alone in private she will go nuts and she will beat me up and everything okay for so

tomorrow night i'll tell you everything for two people no knife uh no coffee no soup a strong

waiter uh anything else that i can help you with no i think that's it thank you for helping me out

you know you understand i gotta tell her the truth i gotta be yes it's okay sir don't worry about it

I already put in your request, okay?

All right.

And what are you doing, you know?

Like, you like girls?

What?

Do you like girls, too?

It's all good, sir.

Yeah, yeah.

That's what I'm saying.

Can I help you with anything else?

No, because me and my mistress, we're thinking about maybe, you know, trying a third while we're down here.

No, it's okay, sir.

Okay.

I will pass on that one.

Thank you.

Well, if you change your mind, are you going to be there tomorrow?

No, sir.

I'm so sorry.

Tomorrow I don't work here.

I'm going to find out.

I'll make sure.

Because if you're not, if you're lying, oh, my God.

It's okay, sir.

Oh, my God.

Can I help you with anything else?

No.

Thank you.

I already made it, okay?

All right.

Thank you.

Bye, honey, baby.

Bye.

I'm a disparatero.

There we go.

Carlito.

Cross.

Once again, afraid of his wife killing him, stabbing him, or throwing hot soup and coffee

on him.

Can't have that.

Nunu says Twitter has been blocked in the nation of Turkey, and he's wondering if the

The Turkish Kitchen has it still.

Let's call and ask.

No co-hosts tonight.

I still haven't talked to Milkman.

He left me a voicemail today, and I haven't even heard it.

I don't know if it's an angry voicemail.

Oh, my God.

I'm such a bad friend.

Listen, Turkish Kitchen.

Forget about that.

Anyway, Turkish Kitchen.

At work.

Yes, hi.

I'd like to make an order, please.

Okay.

Do you have chicken shawarma?

Yes.

Okay.

One of those to go?

Sandwich.

Ladder.

Sandwich.

On the watch or?

Pita bread, please.

Anything else?

No, how long will that be?

Only five minutes.

You have it ready because I'm in a rush.

Yeah.

Okay, all right.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

What else do you have there, like, for, that you can prepare, like, for the, like,

do you have anything, like, a steak or anything like that for my wife or anything you can?

Do you have anything you could recommend, like, a steak or something?

Like, you know what I mean?

Like a piece of chicken or a steak?

Lamb.

Okay, all right, one of those, the lamb one.

and I think that's good.

Yeah, that'd be great.

Some ham shish platter

with rice and salad.

Oh, yeah, perfect.

Yeah, rice and salad, yeah.

That'll make it about 10 minutes.

Okay, then.

Thank you.

Bye.

Well, we'll call back

and cancel that

and then we'll ask about the Twitter.

Yeah.

He's gonna be mad.

Remind me, guys.

Remind me.

Should we call Crimea?

Or Crimea?

What is it?

It's Crimea, right?

Isn't that what they say on TV?

Crimea.

Okay.

Okay, here's the old San Juan hotel.

I've stayed in this hotel.

It's a nice hotel.

Let me get over here to Skype.

Skype piss.

Hey, how are you, motherfucker?

How are you doing?

Hello?

Hello.

Yeah, how are you, motherfucker?

How are you doing?

Who are you?

This is Eddie.

Who?

Eddie.

No.

I'm Eddie.

What do you mean, no?

Why are you talking to me like that?

Is there someone that speaks English?

Continuing.

Why are you talking to me like that?

Hey, honey baby, how are you?

How are you, honey baby?

How are you?

She's like, what?

What?

Sassy women at this hotel.

Yes, hello, Gristle.

I'd like to be transferred to the restaurant.

Motherfucker.

Hello?

I don't know if I'm being transferred or what.

I got silenced there.

Let me call back, give her shit.

Whatever, they're just picking up the phone and not saying anything.

How can a huge hotel do that to me?

There's a place called Oceano to Calier Vendick.

Okay.

Whatever.

May not be an answer here.

Fucker.

All right.

Acacia Boutique Hotel.

Acacia.

Boutique Hotel, this is Oscar.

How can I help you?

Oscar, look, I'm calling, and it's ringing and ringing.

What happened?

Well, first of all, like, I'm calling, and it's ringing, ringing, ringing.

No one pick up.

What happened?

You know that no one's answering.

I am answering.

As soon as you answered, that's when I started talking.

Oscar.

How can I help you, sir?

God damn it, okay, motherfucker?

I'm going to hang up, and I'm going to call back, and I want you to answer fast.

Oh, shit.

In a few minutes, I'll be canceling the chicken order.

Hi, Steven is speaking from the Café Boutique Hotel.

Can I help you?

Mira, where was Oscar?

Who was that?

Who's Oscar, motherfucker?

Who is that?

Who's that speaking to me?

Yeah, Oscar was rude to me on the phone.

Oscar is one of our front desk.

He's the son of a bitch.

Why you say that?

because he hung up on the phone on me motherfucker he said motherfucker like that to me he said

motherfucker like that and he hung up the phone oh my god are you one of our guests yes what i

can uh do for you sir he said he said motherfucker monkey like that about my wife she my wife is

black i'm from atlanta and he said motherfucker monkey like that to my wife and i said what

No, that's impossible, sir.

And he said to me, motherfucker, like that.

And he said, son of a bitch.

My God, my God, I can't believe that.

Yeah, go get him right now.

I want to talk to him right now.

Where are you, sir?

Well, I'm outside.

I'm so upset.

I'm outside right now.

You're outside?

Yeah.

Where?

I went to the Denny's on Isla Verde.

Ah, you are over there?

You want me to send a taxi to pick up you, sir?

I got so mad.

I'm telling you.

What's your name?

My name is Ivelisse.

And you can get a taxi to pick me up?

Yeah, you over there?

Yeah, I'm over here.

I had a big fucking meal and everything, but I'm so upset right now.

I'm shaking.

Oh, my God.

You are in Denny's of Isla Verde?

Uh-huh.

Okay.

And how would the taxi recognize you?

Oh, I weigh about 350 pounds.

I'm a white man, and I have a black wife.

Well, I'm going to tell the taxi to look after somebody who is waiting a taxi.

Yeah, I look for a taxi.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right.

Okay, I'm going to send a taxi for you.

All right, honey.

Okay, honey baby.

And what was, I'm sorry, your name again was?

My name is Ivelisse.

Ivelisse.

Okay.

All right.

Well, thank you.

And then I'm going to have words with Oscar.

He's a motherfucker, you know.

He's a motherfucker is what it is.

Maybe he's misunderstood, sir.

I apologize for that.

You tell him get ready.

You tell him right now, go to him and tell him to get ready that I'm coming, all right?

Okay.

I say that he's the motherfucker and that I'm coming for him.

I'm coming for him.

Tell him I'm coming for him.

Okay.

We can't fix that when you came in here, okay?

Okay, bye.

Bye.

All right, there we go.

So now Oscar's going to lose his job because I said motherfucker.

It's not a big deal to call a taxi to send him.

Those taxis are going up and down 24 hours a day in this area.

you basically just call them and they're they're gonna go there anyway trust me i know how it works

man i am puerto rican man so what time how uh chat room tell me how many minutes do i have left

for it to be 10 minutes after the faizan order or the turkish horse order when was that let me

look at the time stamps i might be able to figure out from the time stamps let me look for i know

know someone said faizan no faizan was said at 24 after so okay it's been about nine minutes

i'll do one more call and then i will call to cancel the order with kangoozle they're saying

it's time it's been nine minutes this is what you get well one more let's make sure they got it all

nice and packed up and everything motherfucker that's the best part when they get it all

fucking packed up someone laughed the other day uh someone was telling me they liked the fact that

That I mentioned on this angry Chinese cancellation order prank I did with Maddie.

They were like, I like how you said the stapled paper bag.

And it's true, man.

The Chinese places, they always staple that brown paper bag, you know.

Always.

Any one that you ever go to.

And it's always got pieces of like their boxes.

Like they reuse their boxes to make the bottoms flat and stuff like that.

It's kind of cool.

The other day I got Chinese in the box.

The piece of box they put in it to help pack it said salad oil.

I was like, salad oil?

The fuck is salad oil?

And I actually ended up on Wikipedia looking up salad oil.

It's like a special blend of certain oils that the restaurant industry uses.

And it's what basically all the Chinese places use.

So anyway, that's where those pranks I was doing about I wanted to get a gallon of oil from the Chinese restaurants.

Remember when I was doing that?

That's where that came from.

Because I already looked it up on Wikipedia.

that's how my my shits work oh and a food recommendation for you guys put chop chop

some get some chopped walnuts you mix it with some cereal like some corn flakes or product 19

or whatever cereal you got and then add some honey to it drizzle some honey on it and mix it up with

a spoon and eat it like that it's like a milk milkless cereal i

recommend it i do it i'm out of milk i use honey

instead you need to eat it that way it's a little more sugary but there's sugar in milk anyway it's

all that lactic sugar okay moving right along new noob is flashing saying what read people really

boring celebrity shit from twitter that they can't act okay he's saying call turkey and talk

shit about the prime minister and twitter okay whatever you got it delicious prax wants to join

All right, more pranks.

Verdanza Hotel.

We'll do that, and then we'll call back Turkish Kitchen,

where hopefully Ken Gloozle picks up,

and I will cancel the motherfucker.

He's going to be mad that I got him again.

I expect many voicemails, guys.

Shut up. Shut up.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

Yeah, you were talking and talking, you know?

I need to tell you what I need.

My apologies, sir.

That's how we answer the phone on the hotel.

but it's like blah blah blah blah why it takes so long why what's what happened how can i assist you

sir anyway listen i have a complaint i was there and there's a really bad smell of mildew you know

so i got so angry that i'm at denny's in isla verde now i got so mad you know where the denny's

is here or you know down past the walgreens and everything that's where i am i'm so

fucking pissed off motherfucker you need to make this right my apology sir yeah what are your room

numbers like there i'm sorry what are your room numbers like the room numbers are like 121 and

stuff right are you staying here with us sir yeah okay how can i assist you then i got into the room

and it smelled like super like mildew and there was used a used condom in the trash can which

will be your room number sir i think it was 121 i don't remember how the room numbers go 121 we

don't have uh rooms with that number what do you have them like they're like 110 1021 right exactly

You should know your room number, sir.

I know.

I don't even have the card.

My wife has it, and she's in the bathroom.

I'm at the Denny's, I said.

Remember?

God damn it.

Yeah.

Can you look me up?

I'm sorry, sir?

Can you just look me up?

I can't understand why you're trying to...

Can you just look me up in the computer?

My name is Gonzalez.

And tell those people to shut up over there.

I'm sorry, sir.

I can't tolerate that kind of...

Tell them to shut up.

I can't hear you.

The fucking car's going by.

Motherfucker.

My apologies, sir.

I can't talk with a person like that.

Have a nice day.

You think there's a Gonzales stand there?

Maria.

My wife is Maria.

She's screaming the call, motherfucker.

All right, look, guys.

Turkish Kitchen time.

Here we go.

Prepare for the hate and the anger and the cursing and the motherfucker.

Yeah, this is Eddie.

I made that order, the two chicken, the chicken platter.

Yeah.

I'm going to go ahead and cancel that.

You are?

Yeah.

Well, we didn't make it anyway.

Why not?

Because I love you like such an asshole.

That's why.

Because you're a motherfucker.

Yeah, you made it.

You made it.

You made it, bitch.

Did you really think I was going to make it for you?

Yeah, you did, stupid son of a bitch.

Yeah, you did.

Don't fucking tell me.

Don't fucking try that you were ahead of me.

Yeah, right.

Here comes the beep.

Thank you for calling Turkish Kitchen for a takeout of your name and number and we'll get back to you.

Oh, damn.

Try one more time.

he's full of shit oh he picked up and hung right up what a bitch wow all right that was fun is that

really a picture that of uh of of him is that the real turkish kitchen there in this picture

obey it might be i don't know i think there are pics of him or there i mean i know for a fact

there are we've had madhouse listeners go in there and take pics milkman and another listener

or went in there and took pics of him.

Oh, boy.

Obey says it is.

Trust him.

Trust me.

Dwight McClanahan joining us.

Dwight McClanahan.

Oh, hello, hello.

Was it Dwight McClanahan from United Airlines?

I forget.

Where was Dwight McClanahan from originally?

I don't know.

I just added it.

I don't know where I came up with the last name at.

Yeah, but I'm trying to remember what prank it is

and where he started using it.

I think it was the, I don't know.

Oh, yeah, it was the airline last night where that guy was getting all pissed off.

He's like, what is your name?

It was fucking Dwight McClendon.

Oh, no, it was the email guy.

The guy that put his fucking email out there.

Oh, the password, the password, the password guy.

A guy tweeted his password.

He tweeted AT&T, SBC Global.

Said, oh, my password doesn't work.

Please help me.

And he included his password in the tweet.

That's when his wife tried to say he was in bed and I'd have to call tomorrow.

and i said listen bitch i'm gonna shut his fucking email off starting tomorrow yeah he jumped on the

phone got all pissed that i was swearing at his wife yeah yeah who job dare you curse at my wife

that's cursed curse at my wife you got out as my supervisor and told him to shut the fuck up

basically i remember yeah and the uh jdf pranks the masturbation contest stuff was fucking

i wish i could figure out what hotel he's in because he has an appearance i think tomorrow

tomorrow it's in orlando right i bet he's at his hotel already it's in orlando right yeah but it's

at the convention center there's no hotel so yeah there's a whole bunch of hotels around it so it's

anyway anybody's guess which one there is i think it lists about six hotels uh that are sold out for

that convention so it's one of those so yeah it's one of those that he's in i would try the more

fancy ones like the helton it's on the megacon site yeah i still have the site bookmarked from

If anyone lived in Orlando, I would go to it all the time to see the changes and guests.

I always wanted to do a madhouse booth.

I went to Megacon a few times, and there would be internet radio stations that had booths.

And it straight up was just two dudes just sitting there.

I was like, what the fuck are you doing?

And no one was talking, and then no one was around.

it's just two fucking dudes just sitting and they have the name of their radio station behind them

in in like white and black letters podcast good for you yeah i was like i was like if i'm gonna

do it i'm gonna do a live show from the floor and i'm gonna have someone um with a cell phone

going around um take doing live video and doing interviews with guests like uh convention people

going to the convention and people who are appearing there that's what you got to do i

I would make it like a whole weekend event, you know, where you just basically pick on all the nerds that are coming out because of what they're dressed in and the way they act.

And you mess around with the guests because like George Takei comes all this shit.

He always goes to these things.

People like JDF is there now.

That would be awesome.

That I would do.

Then it'd be worth it.

But I was like, for me to just sit there, be like Madhouse Radio.

No, everyone's going to be going, but like, OK, what you're selling?

You know what I mean?

Like, what's the point?

It's a waste of time and money and effort.

anyway i should try to call uh off the air and see if i can find his hotel where's the list i'm at

the site now anyway i was telling you i was at the site let me go to the hotel artist alley was

where the uh or it's free if you're you have to be a published artist and you get a free table

oh really yeah so i would have had to release a cd somehow you know and been selling it and

i could have been like well here you go like you know here's my started selling the jdf cd at your

table but there was yeah but straight up there were just internet radio people like just sitting

like straight up it was like two like nerdy looking dudes like two tabachi looking motherfuckers just

sitting there no offense i'm just saying all right guest info uh right here's the link in the skype

chat that's the hotels all right good we'll have to get phone numbers for them megacon megacon's

good that's the one i took um sean ward went to megacon with me he stayed with me and he was in

one of the old prank callers you probably don't even know who i'm talking about he's one of the

the old pcu prank call show guys he's a comic book artist and he uh came he stayed with me for

a few days and went to megacon back in like 2000 when was that guys 2006 i think all right i'm

waiting for the link to open now everything's frozen son of a bitch i opened it on the wrong

computer i opened it on the skype machine and it froze it up i don't know why i did that i should

have copy pasted it yeah so i can't do calls right now because i gotta wait for this machine to come

them up here we go here we go yeah i would probably start with the the hilton and probably

the embassy suites i can tell you because you're in alphabetical order but the nicer hotels i can

tell you right now are going to be the rosen center is going to be the nicest one the rosen

plaza is going to be a nice one the rosen inn at pointer land is going to be good the rosen centers

where my um my prom was held just you know what i mean it's like the nicer hotel did you lose your

of rigidity there i did actually but not at that hotel i stayed at a different one nearby and

that's where i did as a matter of fact true story yeah i would guess it's got to be one of the

rosens and it's probably the main rosen center that's the nicer hotel there i believe i double

check he's got an appearance tomorrow which would lead me to believe he's there now if we check his

facebook he'll fucking tell us yeah megacon i know thursday nights the it's for early ticket

Ticket buyers, they get in early to look at the stuff for sale,

and a few of the guests might show up and kind of walk around,

and it's real quick.

So that would have been over by now to let you know.

I could let you know.

Out of personal experience.

I went every year that I lived in Orlando from high school down since it started.

I think it'd be fun to go.

It gets to be too many people,

and it just stinks in the convention room after a while.

It's just like a funk.

things like dirty people on sex convention funk yeah it's just dirty nerds dirty people

fucking in their cosplay outfits and didn't wash them yeah exactly where they've been just jerking

off and they put their pants right back on afterwards they don't care like two jdf fans

and just had a masturbation contest yeah yeah masturbation content uh if we do that again

tonight we gotta do it where we're doing it on an oreo and the last person has to eat it

Didn't act that out.

Alright, so hey, I've been doing San Juan, Puerto Rico pranks.

You want to talk rude to someone in Puerto Rico?

Sure.

Alright, and I'll work on getting the number for the Rosen Center.

Yeah, it appears he is down there in Orlando already.

Sweet.

Thank you for calling Quality Inn and Portal in Puerto Rico.

My name is Domingo.

How much is two?

How you doing?

I got a problem in my room here.

You got a problem in your room?

Yeah.

Yeah. There's somebody that snuck into my room, apparently, and took a dump in my toilet.

I need somebody to come up to my room and remove it.

What do you mean, took a dump in the room, sir?

Apparently, while I was out having a bite to eat, somebody came in my room and used the facilities and left a large log of feces there.

What is your room number?

It's 2210.

2210?

Yeah.

What do you mean, 2210? So what hotel are you called?

2-2-2-2-1. That's my room number.

What hotel are you in?

I'm in your hotel.

What is this, a trickster? Are you the one that snuck in my room and took a dump?

Quality Inn.

Yeah, I'm trying to get a hold of the Quality Inn here. That's where I'm staying.

Well, this is the Quality Inn, but we don't have room 2-2-1.

Listen, pal, I don't mind that you came in here and took a shit in my toilet while I was out,

but you could have at least wiped your ass and flushed it.

There's not even toilet paper in here, so somebody pulled a take a dump and didn't wipe.

What is your room number, sir?

22.

We have no room number 22, sir.

Sir, are you playing games with me?

No, I'm not playing no games, sir.

Do you do this to foreigners every time they come over and they have a good time?

No, sir, we don't even go to the rooms because we have our toilet down here.

We take our shits down here.

We don't go to your rooms.

Well, somebody came up here and took a shit,

and I figure it's only a person with a key to the room.

What is your room number so I can send somebody there?

I need you to come up here and remove the shit from my toilet barehanded

or with your mouth either way would you tell me what is your room number please uh room number

one room number one yes sir hello hi hi how are you good how are you sir good uh other than the

last gentleman that i spoke to uh i would like him written up uh he said he said many bad words

to me uh and then he also admitted to coming into my room while i was away eating dinner

and using the facilities and shitting in my toilet.

Okay, may I have your room number, sir?

Yeah, my room number is 125.

125?

Yep.

Here, we don't have no rooms on the ground floor.

All rooms start on the second floor.

Yeah, 225.

25.

All right.

No, we don't have no 225, sir.

It starts with a 25.

May I have your last name to see my system?

Yeah, it's McClanahan.

McClanahan?

What's the motherfucking room number?

Yeah.

What does your room number start with?

Maybe I can figure it out.

I'm an American.

I've been drinking.

I'll be looking in the system by your last name.

You say your last name is?

Motherfucker.

Dude, all right.

What is the problem with hotel room numbers?

You know what I mean?

I tell you, any normal American one is like 125, 114 or something.

No, no, no, no.

We don't have.

have but i think only once or twice have i had someone be like okay i'll put you through you

know what i mean right like it's always something something what's the standard is there a standard

we can go by what are we missing here oh i guess you can't you mean get through to jdf uh oh the

number right i got it i had it did i post i posted it in there already didn't i yeah it's under all

these other numbers i got it it's not formatted but i got it i'll copy paste it let's see if i

I can't talk to Jason.

You can ask for Tammy also.

Yeah.

Try Jason first.

Hey, guys.

David Stonkel here.

Oh, hey, Baz.

Sorry, I forgot to introduce you.

We're going to try to get Mr. Frank on the horn.

We're calling the Rosen Center.

This is Dwight.

Hi, Dwight.

Actually, this is kind of funny.

My name is Dwight also.

I'm trying to reach a guest room.

Okay.

What's the room number?

I don't have the room number.

I do have the last name, though.

Okay.

Let me...

How do you spell the last name?

Last name is Frank.

Common spelling.

All right.

uh katrine robert uh it was supposed to be either jason or tammy um but uh katrine or

robert doesn't ring any bells uh they may be staying with robert robert's their father i

didn't know that he was there okay he may have just made the reservation uh actually let me

patch you over to that room one moment all right thank you you got two fucking dwight on the phone

this is bullshit he gave out two other names though sucker well is that not the rosen you

You want to try the other one?

Please leave your message after the tone.

Do you remember the chick's name?

I don't.

Was it Christine?

Thank you for calling the Rosen Center.

This is Dwight.

Hey, Dwight.

They weren't in Robert's room.

Maybe they're over in Christine Frank's room.

Oh, okay.

Hold on.

What was the last name?

Frank.

Frank, same.

It's not Robert.

I think they're over in the other room.

The thing is, the only two names that pop up with that one,

the last name Frank, it's the same room.

oh you know what try a friend try oliver they might be hiding under that number they're uh

they're kind of famous so uh they're in town for the comic-con thing the megacon oh okay um so try

oliver as the the last name or the first name uh the last name okay first name audrey yeah okay

let me connect you as well fucking tommy in there hello hey is uh tommy oliver there i'm sorry uh

This is the front desk.

I'm looking for Mr. Oliver.

This is Ms. Oliver.

Ms. Oliver.

There's no mail in this room?

No.

Because we've been getting some reports from your neighbors there about loud noises coming from your room.

It's not coming from my room.

I hear loud noises, too, but it's not coming from this room.

I see.

Well, they described the loud noises as loud moaning.

Moaning?

Yes, and possible sexual noises.

Is it possible that you just have your TV up too loud?

No, my TV is not that loud.

There's no noise coming from this room.

Are you masturbating?

That's how you bring me in as security.

I get noises too.

Don't they always hear noises?

Fucking customers and guests.

Always complaining about shit.

Motherfucker.

Damn it.

All right, well.

Definitely not this.

Not that one. There's other Rosens, though.

Hang on, let's try the Rosen Inn.

That's a nice one, too.

That's a new one. I know that.

Newer, newer one.

So I just joined in, so I assume you're trying to locate Mr. Frank.

Yep.

Yeah, well, see, he has an appearance tomorrow,

so I checked his Facebook.

He's already in Florida, so...

Well, this is staying at Disney.

Does he have a kid?

Uh, yeah, but I don't know if she's with him.

Yeah, if he's staying at Disney, good luck.

Rosening up in Orlando. Is Disney here? Can I help you?

Hi, I need to be transferred to a guest room, please.

What is the room number?

I don't have the room number, but I do have the last name.

Okay.

Last name is Frank.

And the first name?

Either Jason or Tammy.

Oh, I don't have that as a last name.

No, the last name is Frank.

I'm looking for Tammy or Jason as the first name.

No, I don't have Frank as a last name here.

Okay, try Oliver as a last name.

L?

O-L-I-V-E-R.

Oh, Oliver.

And the first name was?

was uh either uh tommy or uh jason no i don't have oliver with those first names what first

names do you have women what was that nice women or steven like a women's first name or

uh yeah go ahead and connect me to them please steven oliver they're two different they're two

no they're two different rooms steven oliver yeah connect me to steven okay that motherfucker

Fucker owes me money.

Thank you.

Steven, where's my money?

I sent Cross and Mr. Schnoswell to collect.

The guest you are trying to reach is not available right now.

To reach and operate...

I would have guessed it was the Rosen,

because, man, it's straight up right there by the convention center, too.

How far is the Embassy Suites from there?

Embassy Suites.

Embassy Suites is right by there, too, actually.

I would guess probably either, like you said, the Rosen or the Embassy Suites.

It could be the Embassy Suites.

Maybe the Hilton.

i wish the dumbass would leave some type of hint where he's at yeah i think the msc suits are

right around there also no the asshole's there he showed some place that has like a flight or a

wind tunnel that he was visiting and shit a wind tunnel thing yeah it's for like skydiving he can

get in there and act like he's skydiving let's see that's i think that's a point point orlando

i think i know what you're talking about but we just tried that one the rose in a point orlando

Okay, this is the I-Drive.

This is, yeah, on Jamaican Court.

It's right by the convention center.

It's at the one end of the parking.

Fucking, I miss Orlando now.

If we don't get through this time, we're going to call Tammy's fucking phone.

Tell that bitch what's up.

We'll be like, what hotel you in, bitch?

Thank you for calling the Embassy Suites Hotel, International Drive, Jamaican Court.

Your call is very important to us.

If you are calling for a new reservation, press 1.

For sales, press 2.

For accounting, press 3.

For all other calls, press zero.

Wait for assistance.

We're very important men, lady.

Oh, hello.

Thank you for calling.

My name is Fernando.

Hi, Fernando.

I need to be transferred to a guest room, please.

Last name?

Last name is Frank.

Okay, last name is Frank.

Right, F-R-A-N-K.

Not Frankinghouse.

Any other last name besides Frank?

Frank, right.

Any other last name besides that one?

Oliver.

Yeah, Oliver.

Last name is Albert.

Yeah, O-L-I-V-E-R.

O-L.

Yep, O-L-I.

I-V-E-R.

No, nothing.

How about asshole?

It's spelled A-S-E-H-O-L-E.

No.

No asshole there?

Do you have papé people?

No.

Do you have maricón?

Maricón?

Tampoco.

Yeah, do you have tu madre?

Is she there?

Spread evil?

Oh, she is.

She's over here right now.

I think she is.

Oh, is that not the...

Don't say Lila, I love her.

If you are no longer useful, you get the treatment.

You know what I realized with J.D.F.?

He's got nothing but first names, even his fucking character, Tommy Oliver.

Two first names, Jason David Frank, three first names.

What the fuck's wrong with him?

He's a simpleton.

God, Jason David Frank, J.D.

He can't even do that anymore, now it's J.D.

I'm just thinking that if he posted his, on Facebook,

that indoor skydiving photo 15 minutes ago,

so it's so fun tonight,

he's probably not in his hotel room yet

wherever he's staying

true but they would have him on record

we'd just get nobody

what's the wife's number let's call wifey

damn it

hey guys keep those requested pranks coming in

Lonesome is sending in more numbers in Puerto Rico

we're ready on that we're good

he's also sending in numbers in Turkey

where they have banned Twitter

we got some ideas for that also

we've already got into a battle

with the Turkish horse

he claims they've gotten the one up on us

i doubt it it was funny when he picked those i didn't make it because you're an asshole

damn it all right here we go just so you know i would never leave a message on a machine for

a restaurant to get back to me to make my fucking order you feel like fuck that the number or code

you have dialed is incorrect oh please check the number or code oh i think they changed their

fucking number oh no no double check that i'll try it again probably

probably after the other day when we talked to her for, what, about 20 minutes.

We were nice to her.

Yeah.

We were mean.

We did say that he flipped the numbers.

The number or code you have dialed is incorrect.

Please check.

unless she's blocking my number specifically you guys can try from yours if you want she might be

just blocking me because of that call yeah i don't know hang on a second i'll try for my phone

you need me to call you so you can find your phone here it is this is the hotel that i stayed

at for my honeymoon the san juan water and beach club very nice hotel it's very blue blue neon

lights everywhere it's dope even the elevator's got like a waterfall in it it's really cool sweet

yeah the waterfall goes all around you while you're in the elevator it's a glass elevator

elevator and it's got like blue lighting behind it oh it's so fun that place is so fucking cool

man so it's like a glass elevator that goes through a waterfall yeah uh-huh yeah pretty

much yeah and the water's and it all fills up with this blue kind of hue yeah no no go for my

phone so she's changed it yeah even the rooms have like one of the switches just turns on a

blue lighting oh yeah this fucking place i'm definitely staying there again next time i go

to puerto rico uh with the wife we're definitely already said we're definitely going to stay at

at least a weekend there it was that good there were free drinks for two hours every afternoon

from four to six p.m on the rooftop free alcohol whatever you wanted free you're getting this

shit yeah we got so i got so shit-faced twice i was like like you don't know how cool we got

off the plane we got a taxi we checked in and the lady checking us in was like yeah by the way you

got another hour of happy hour on the top deck you know and we're like oh yeah whatever she's

He's like, no, no, you don't understand.

It's like free alcohol for gas.

I'm like, what?

We like ran to our rooms.

I've never heard of this fictional unicorn that you speak of.

Yeah, we like literally ran to our rooms, you know, like, you know, made sure everything was in there.

Got our key cards and went right up to the top floor.

There was a pool on the top floor and a deck and a sushi restaurant thing.

Oh, it's the fucking bomb, man.

I highly recommend, and it's not that expensive.

It's just really nice.

Anyway, I highly recommend that place.

San Juan Water and Beach Club.

Let's talk to them about how beautiful it is

Because I keep talking about it

Yeah, you got all that blue fucking light there

You know

You got all the blue fucking light

The blue fucking lighting, you know

The blue light

You know you have so much blue light, why?

I'm sorry, sir

Don't go to give trouble

Or say bad words

I'm staying there, okay

Don't be like that with me, okay

It's not fair

Okay, what's your last name and room number?

Listen, I just want to get the complaint out first.

Do you understand?

I'm sorry.

You're staying here at the hotel?

And I went in there, and there's a blue light.

All the light is blue in the room.

Okay, what's your room number?

It's 521.

We don't have that number here in the hotel.

Well, it's five-something.

It's on the fifth floor.

What's your last name?

Cross.

Well, it's probably under Gonzales.

Motherfucker.

Hurry up, motherfucker.

A fucker?

He's like,

he wanted to jerk me off.

Call that place back.

I wanted to,

I've got an inquiry.

Well,

tell them that the lights are,

because one of the switches

is all blue lighting

for the room.

Complain about it.

Salon,

what a bitch club,

no speaking.

Yeah,

hi,

this is David Snowswell.

I checked into your hotel

a day or two ago,

actually last night,

and I was just,

I've got a problem

with the lights.

I mean,

the only light

that seems to be

in my room is blue.

It's driving me

fucking nuts.

Okay,

we can actually,

So what do I do?

let me check real quick um what's your first name uh david david and your last name i'm sorry

snazwell i'm sorry i didn't i didn't get that i'm sorry snazwell

i'm gonna fucking smash the tv yeah i mean i might not actually be in your system because i'm

i'm not actually uh technically registered there at your hotel i i you know i kind of snuck into

one of the rooms i've been a vacant room and i've been hiding out in here and sleeping and i'm not

going to get in trouble, so I don't want to tell you what room it is.

Well, actually, if you don't tell me

what the room number is, I don't know

what it's like. Well, I don't know.

I snuck in and... It's like

snuck in in the hotel. That's actually

illegal if you're not registered.

Well, no, it's not exactly

illegal. You're staying with whore?

The door was open. With whore, you're staying?

I didn't. With whore.

Yeah, with whore.

What's the person you're staying with?

What's the person's last name?

I don't know what his last name is. I met him

I'm in the alley, and I've been down on my luck.

I'm drifting around Puerto Rico, and he said he had this really nice room

and told me to follow him up.

No, no, he ditched me.

He ditched me about a day or two ago, but he also picked up this guy named Dwight.

Dwight's here with me, too.

Okay, sir, I'm sorry.

If you don't give me the last name of the person you're staying with

or the room number, I can't give you any information that you require.

I have no idea.

He just told me his name was Lysol.

His name is what?

Lysol.

He just told me his first name was Lysol.

Yours? That's yours?

No, no, the guy that picked me up, that invited me back to the room to stay.

And I don't know where he went. He took off.

David, who are you on the phone with?

I don't know. I'm trying to call him at the damn blue light.

This guy's asking me all kinds of questions. I don't know what to say.

I don't want to get in trouble.

Did he tell you that sneaking into the room is illegal?

Yeah, he tried to, but we were invited in.

If you are not registered in the hotel, I cannot give you any information about it.

Would you allow me one second?

Can I have a guess in front?

Sir, no, I will not hold.

You motherfucker.

He's probably getting security.

Is that what he said he's doing?

No, he's just hitting guys.

I demand they start a door-to-door search.

I'm looking at the pictures now.

It's fucking awesome.

It's even better now.

They fixed it up a little better now.

They finished the top.

As soon as I can walk again and it's summer, I'm going to Puerto Rico and I'll fucking stay in here.

You're going to go to Puerto Rico Con?

wife or not i'm fucking going hello hello you heard me talking or something shit yeah

oh well yeah i was gonna tell him that don't tell me what's illegal and not illegal i got

my degree at devry motherfucker ladies you can win a weekend date in puerto rico with carlito

we'll have a contest this may ladies straight women only not on their periods preferably with

With the depo shot.

Yeah.

That's pretty badass over there.

Yeah.

The only problem, a lot of condensation would build up in the glass in the back sometimes.

Yeah, I bet.

Puerto Rico's really humid, man.

It's real steamy.

Hello?

Hello, yes.

Yeah.

Thank you for holding.

Hey, is this Maricon?

Excuse me?

Is this Maricon?

Let me check real quick.

What are you checking?

Can I know?

I'm checking over here to see who has extra radius to our guest.

Yes, because can I know what you're going to be saying?

You haven't stayed here, so I don't quite understand the story.

Mr. Baz?

I don't know what the hell are you talking about.

You're saying that you're complaining about the blue lights.

You're saying a bunch of bad words to me.

Like I have something to do with it.

Yeah, look, listen, I went into the elevator and I saw the blue lights

and I had a panic attack and I ran.

I'm at the Denny's.

I just kept running and I found the Denny's.

Yeah.

I passed the Walgreens.

I passed a Walgreens and the San Juan Hotel something, casino, and then I saw Denny's and I ran in here.

And I'm outside now and there are all these Puerto Rican people looking at me.

Okay, yes, if you're in Puerto Rico, you're going to be Puerto Rican people looking at you.

I know, I know.

I'm just scared.

I'm scared right now.

Yeah, but what I'm saying is that I need to know the last name of the person that has the room registered to.

Sir, you're talking a lot.

So I can know if you're staying with her.

What he's trying to say is these Puerto Ricans, they look dirty, and they don't look like they're washed people.

Yeah, and they're making food here, the Denny's, and I don't even know if they wash their hands in this country.

You know, I'm sorry for that.

I'm really getting offended here.

You know what?

I'm not meeting, sir.

If you're not registered, if you're not staying at the hotel, please don't call back once again, okay?

I love it.

And if you're not registered at the hotel, please don't go back to do that type if you're doing a joke to me right now.

Because I have a lot of work to do.

I love Puerto Rico.

Look, I was there.

I had the free happy hour this afternoon and everything.

Okay, that's great.

But what is the last name of the person that you're staying with?

I don't know his name.

How are you staying in a room that you don't know the name of the person?

It's a black man from Atlanta.

His name is Jason.

We're all hanging out with the black guy from Atlanta

And we're at the Denny's

In Isla Ved

Is this the same dude?

Yeah

I'm gonna tell my Jimmy DeLock

If he

He might wanna alert somebody to the elevator

Cause I took a shit

No no no

The elevator's right in front of the desk

That's not gonna work

He's gonna know

The blue elevator

I missed it in the corner

I couldn't stop

Good evening San Juan Water Beach Club

This is Victor speaking

How am I?

Hey Victor

How you doing buddy?

I'm good

How may I assist you, sir?

I was just talking to some other guy.

He's being pretty rude.

Okay.

How can I help you?

Oh, okay.

We were calling about this blue light in my room.

Okay.

Well, I guess it's your room.

I'm not paying to be in here.

So, like, your room has this blue light, and it's fucking driving me crazy, and I couldn't

figure out how to shut it off, so I tipped the TV over on the floor, and I need somebody

to clean it up.

Okay.

What's your name, so I can find your room?

uh this is i don't you can't find my room this way i'm not registered i just i just snuck into

a room i jimmied the lock okay so you broke into the hotel not to my recollection no listen listen

listen there's a guy who's there's a guy who's staying at the hotel okay and we met at a club

last night here all right okay okay he's a black he has dreadlocks he talks like a jamaican okay

he's not a he's not from puerto rica but we're on vacation you know and then anyway we're staying

they were having sexual party and stuff like that so we've been staying with him he's at least three

days now um but we don't have a cure anything so we got in ourselves we just dwight just jimmied

the log to get in just so we could get to our stuff you know but like we've been doing acid

and stuff i put acid in a condom and we put it in our assholes like all three of us did we have

some drugs so we've been doing it and the blue lights like i went in the elevator and i almost

went crazy because of the lighting in there you know and then and then went into the room and

turned on the lights and it's just blue why why that's the theme that we have here at the hotel

um oh my god i'm gonna have to say um so i ran away i ran away and i'm down the street i just

kept running and i found a denny's okay and i was like all right well you know this is like

american food it's not like this foreigner stuff you know third world country kind of food place

like that you know because i know i passed a chicken place and a burger king i think or a

pizza hut and i was like no no and i saw the denny's i went in there but like it's all these

puerto rican people in there working okay you are in puerto rico so i would i would assume that there

will be puerto rican people i know i thought about that too but i thought there would be more of a

mix but i don't know if they wash their hands okay normal here i don't even know if i can pay with

With the United States dollars?

Like, is there...

You'll be fine.

What's the exchange?

What's the exchange rate?

Is that a chicken in the background?

Yeah, there's a chicken out here.

It looks like they brushed their teeth with toilet water.

Okay, um...

Don't act like it's...

Don't act like it's weird.

Listen, listen.

Don't...

Motherfucker.

Don't act like there's no...

It's weird that there's a chicken in Puerto Rico.

Asshole motherfucker.

Don't act like it's weird that you hear that.

Listen, man.

Man, I need more towels in this room.

There's chicken shit everywhere.

I need to clean it up.

Or you need to clean it up or something.

You can pass by the front desk.

I'm going to be here all night.

Pass by the front desk, and I'll be able to assist you by finding your room.

You're supposed to bring it to me, motherfucker.

Are you a Dominican, sir?

Is that what the problem is?

I think he is.

Are you a Cuban or Dominican staying here with no papers?

um if you need if you need any real assistance sir you can pass by the front desk but at the

moment i believe you're in under the influence motherfucker and i i really can't help you

you want to come up here and get up get some goat action

that was funny is that a chicken

yeah he can't act there is a cockfighting uh facility right down by the denny's anywhere

away and he's saying that oh there's a checker out there he was dumbfounded chicken cars in the room

too yeah no cars sound like that in puerto rico everywhere you go all you hear is fucking cars

and loud people talking and loud music and food you know my wife's got a got an old uncle that's

still living over in the philippines and he goes to the cock fighting like once or twice a week

yeah yeah that shit's great it's fun i'm telling you it's to me like i i've been twice my uncle

raises uh fighting roosters and my cousin's husband does too uh but anyway i've been twice

and it's it's just like it's kind of like dog racing is the way they look at it over there

it's more violent i mean there's an animal that's getting killed both of my uncle both of the times

i went my uncle took uh roosters and they both got their asses kicked really bad he never fucking

won every time it's just fucking sad you uh been watching any of the march maddening shit there

carlito no i have not actually this year i haven't even fell out of bracket this year

because i'm not at work i did but the uh the best part was ohio state fucking lost

in the first round that's fantastic all right good bye fuck them buckeyes right fuck them fuck

them fuck them yeah i like i like making fun of them because my mom fucking loves ohio state and

what happened and you hate your mom right i don't know what i guess that's what you're trying to

say. I like to make fun

of them. If that's a hidden meaning, I guess

I do. My mom loves them, and I

hate my mom, so fuck them.

Tell that to your mom next time.

Mom, I hate Ohio State, and you love

them, so fuck you.

Slam the door and walk out.

Fuck Ohio State.

Fuck Ohio State, and fuck you.

I have no mother. I have five

mothers. I have five fathers.

I fucking hate you.

You're still going to cook dinner, right?

I'm going to do my laundry.

all right got the cotton mouth motherfucker yeah that all right hey look you want to call

that denny's in puerto rico keep bringing up i fucked with them recently i already talked to

them once all right yeah did we do the embassy suites yet did we call it yeah we did right uh

yeah we called him damn it i can't believe that bitch changed her number after that call

fuck did you try from your number what happened uh yeah it got the same message

oh well i guess sloth is gonna have to snake that number another way we're gonna have to find it so

we need jason's bro that's what's up yep all right here we go this should be the one this

another hotel for the uh no no this is the denny's i keep talking about oh i got a cab going there

right let's see for the city i need a moon moon over miami oh come on man failed there we go not

even ringing him fuck it all right never mind i enjoyed that last guy the only reason he couldn't

help us out was, uh, we were too

intoxicated.

Should have told him

to follow the fucking chicken noise.

You'll find the room.

Just find the chicken.

We'll be calling Turkey a little

later. Let's just keep messing with

Puerto Rico, because I'm stupid and I can't find the

dentist. 24-7

convenience store. Yeah.

I wonder if they got liquor there for us.

I mean, liquor and condoms.

I got an idea. Tampons.

Preach on, brother bass.

hey yeah you hablo ingles bitch no you're talking to a carlito hola hola hello yeah hi

hi baby i'm an american cochina cochina cochina cochina now i was gonna ask them if i could uh

take a cordless phone into the restroom and have any calls forwarded in there i was calling her a

Where's the milk?

She hung up on you.

What did you do?

Call her a sow and ask where the milk was?

Yeah.

Called her a sow.

She asked me my name.

I said Jose.

Jose.

Where's the milk?

Where's the milk, you big fat sow?

That's not what that was about.

All right.

Obey his post.

Is this another picture of Kangoozle?

Whatever his name is.

Carl Sanders posted a picture.

I'm assuming, I don't think that's supposed to be the Turkish horse.

It looks funny, though.

That'd be funny if it was him.

Milk, everybody, milk.

It's a great drink.

Delicious.

Cow juice.

All right, here's a different 24-7 convenience store.

Let's see if these people speak American and take U.S. dollars.

It's very offensive to say that, guys.

If they take dollars, like, of course, we're Puerto Rican.

We're American country.

we don't want to be a state but we want all the benefits fuckers yeah hi is this convenience store

convenience store do you speak english yeah who is it motherfucker you my name is cross

i'm staying at a hotel who cross i don't know who you are i know you don't know who i am asshole

yeah what the fuck you want i'm staying in a hotel i'm gonna come down i need some stuff

for my sexual party.

Well, you're fucked.

Yeah, but listen,

do you take United States money?

Dollars?

Nope.

Oh, so where do I...

We only take Cuban pesos.

You only take pesos?

Cuban pesos?

Yep.

You're a motherfucking Cuban asshole,

aren't you, motherfucker?

Yeah.

So fuck my dick, then.

Where's your papers?

I got my papers right here

between my nuts, motherfucker.

You got them up your ass.

That's right.

You keep your rolling papers.

Yeah.

I'm going to stick a big fat Cuban cigar up your ass.

You put a condom in your ass?

He was a fiery one.

Motherfucker.

Cuban pesos.

I used to fuck bitches like him in prison.

When I was in Alcatraz.

Dwight was in Alcatraz with Eddie.

Eddie.

You remember, Michelle?

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

I mean, like, Eddie.

God, I hated when she did that shit.

Like, talking to her was like nails on a chalkboard for me.

You're not going to hurt me, are you?

Eddie, Eddie.

are you gonna like fuck me or i don't want you to rape me nobody said anything about rape what

the fuck is your problem lady i'm gonna try to have a gangbanger but my neighbors are really

fucking gangsters and they'll fucking if they hear me yelling they'll fucking come in here

we're gonna kick the door in i used to remember the uh the neighbors because she used to talk

shit about him but she said they'll come help me she said there were mexican gangbangers who

were nice to her and would protect her if i went over the draper i i used to remember their name

she'd repeat them and then when me and ice goose talked to her we said we were gonna

fucking pull up in a windowless white van and pull him in the van so they couldn't help her

we're gonna pull him in our rape van

one's name was sergio i can't remember what the fucking other one was

hello man that motherfucking monkey in puerto rico doesn't want to pick up the phone at work

he's probably smoking drugs and everything at work yeah he's probably pumping gas at the

a convenience store and smoking a cigarette at the same time wish michelle would pick up the phone

from time to time just so we could check in on her hey here in in my hometown in puerto rico or

what i would consider my hometown in puerto rico arecibo there's a convenience store awesome let's

call them and i'll send it i'll send it to my cousin later so she could tell me she knows where

it is do they sell chickens they sold chickens they probably don't speak english at this point

they might they might if it's a younger person he'll speak english just fine that's how it goes

but the older crowd

doesn't speak English.

A chicken and a jar

of cockroaches.

I got some shit

we can...

I want to look

up where this is.

I'm sure I've been

around here.

This changes a lot.

I know you sell

chickens under the table.

That's where Santa Maria is.

Hey, honey.

How are you, baby?

Yeah.

Hi.

Do you speak English?

Oh, I'm in the hotel.

Oh, come on.

He just started

talking.

Okay, gringo.

Bye.

Fuck you.

I'm going to fucking

turn off the gringo.

That was straight up

like what I was like.

See ya.

What am I going to do with that American motherfucker?

He knows there's no tourists in this area.

This is not a tourist area.

People just fucking live here.

Hey, como estas?

Muchas tardes.

Buenas tardes.

Como estas?

Que Dios te bendiga.

Okay, necesito un gallo.

Tienen pollo?

No hay gallinas?

No gallinas.

He has no chickens, no hens.

Oh, no.

Hey, we have some. You want to buy some?

I'm going to call him Maricona.

You can ask him if he wants to buy chicken.

I'll call him a hog. I'm going to call him Cochino.

Yeah, I'll buy the chicken.

You want me to play it?

Yeah, I'll play the chicken.

Oh, come on, man.

Get off the hook, motherfucker.

Keep that going, though.

If we're going to be doing pranks in Puerto Rico,

Lonesome, find more places in that town.

And A-R-E-C-I-B-O.

Aracabo.

All right, here's another gas station.

Is that too loud?

A little bit, a little bit.

Fuck that. I'm calling the hotel Convento. This is the convent hotel. Keep the chicken going. Fits in perfectly.

Yeah, hola. Listen, I'm here from the States. I don't know if you can hear. There's a chicken in the room.

There's a chicken in the room. Let me see if I can get closer so you can hear the chicken.

I'm in the hotel in Puerto Rico. I don't understand this goddamn fucking shit.

room number 220 and there's a chicken inside the room yeah he's a violent chicken he's pecking at

me i'm in i'm staying in the bathroom right now i locked myself in he keeps like tapping at the

door all right sir i'll send somebody there to remove the chicken for you okay hurry right it's

a violent chicken okay no problem 220 right yeah i'll stay on the line all right if we knock on

the door and just just come in just come in hurry i'm gonna stay in the line i'm staying on the

the line i'm scared well i have to i have to call somebody i'm afraid i have to hang up is that okay

oh jesus okay i'll call you back then oh do you mind can i put you on hold yeah put me on hold

and come back please no problem hello turn

Turn it up, Baz.

Turn it up?

Yeah, bring the chicken closer.

Oh, shit.

It's getting closer.

How's that?

Good, good.

He's trying to peck my nuts.

Into a room.

Where's the trucker?

He's pecking my urethra.

He's in the same guy's room, saying, room for a chicken.

You've got to hear the reaction.

You said just come on in, right?

Yeah.

The chicken is, too.

Fucking stupid-ass chicken.

Somebody in your room right now, sir.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, you got it.

What's the last name on the reservation?

Cross.

That's not the last name on the room, sir.

But I'll send somebody, okay?

Oh, thank you.

Thank God.

Thank Jesus.

Yeah.

Holy Spirit.

And the Holy Spirit.

Okay.

Great.

All right.

Keep that going.

We're calling the co-key in.

Oh, man.

This show is funny with the blue elevator and the blue lights.

Jimmying the log and shit.

He said, wait a minute.

You're not staying here, man.

Come on.

We can't do that.

Not technically.

Lysol.

Lysol's having gay sex parties in Puerto Rico now.

Sucked my cock in the alley.

Apparently he grew dreadlocks also.

Hello?

Hello, what can I do for you?

Yeah, listen, we're in room 225.

There's a chicken inside here.

There's a chicken inside our room.

What room are you in?

225.

What?

Can you just...

You just got in the...

You just got in the room and you found a chicken?

It's a violent...

It's violent chicken.

and it's it's pecking at me um we close we're in the bathroom right now and he's so he comes and

he taps at the door really like he starts flying a little bit yeah he's just right at the door

yeah his eyes are red i think i don't know he's got some kind of sickness or something he's violent

i can't i'm scared to get out of the bathroom

yeah be careful man no one bring a stick or something he said he's going to 225 all right

I'll call them back in a little bit

See if I can find out

But yeah I just love the fact

They're probably waking up some American

White guy

60 something year old

White couple on vacation

Golf vacation

We're here to remove the chicken

What the fuck I'm sleeping

Fuck only in Puerto Rico

Only in Puerto Rico

Would this be fucking incredible

I love that place man

And only in Puerto Rico would they be like, yeah, a chicken could come in the hotel and be in the room.

A violent chicken.

That could happen.

Which one was that?

Shit, damn it.

Was that the coquille?

No.

Oh, crap.

Oh, I got it.

I got it.

I still had it saved.

Yeah, that was the coquille.

The coquille frog.

All right.

How about some turkey?

Keep the chicken going.

This supplies the turkey also.

All right.

Got it.

I'm sure they got chickens there, too.

This is a hotel in Turkey.

Oh, that's loud.

Hey, how are you doing, boy?

hey boy how are you you speak english oh good i'm not sad i'm on the street here there's chickens

going around and cars and stuff like that i'm on the street yeah i was all right look i'm staying

at your hotel and i flew in and i put a condom with uh like pills pain pills in my ass and i

when i got to the hotel i used the bathroom and i got it out and i crushed all the pills and i

I snorted them with a dollar bill, and I got high.

And now, like, I'm going crazy.

I'm on the street, and I got drugs in me, and I got drugs inside of me,

and I'm, like, moving around.

There's a chicken here.

And there's these four guys, and they have guns and masks,

and they say that I can't move.

They're saying that I'm not allowed to move.

I understand, but where are you?

I'm on the street, and there's four guys speaking Muslim,

and I don't know who they are.

they have a mask on and they say that i can't move you for any station any oh no i'm scared to

look around because they're like washing me they said he said one of them speaks english and he

said you're in the wrong neighborhood motherfucker he said to me like that okay i will say i'll say

him many times i will say going from directly and you will see the hotel yeah yeah because

Because I don't know where are you, and nobody here, and just only one person.

Oh, my God.

Right now.

Oh, my God.

Can you come over here and tell these nice men to let me go?

Sorry?

Can you tell these nice men to let me go?

Nobody here, just only me, and no security for our hotel.

Listen, there was a woman here, a married woman.

She was walking around, and I touched her body, and I said she looked good, and I tried to kiss her,

and now a bunch of people are really mad at me?

Okay, sir.

Going from any...

Okay, take a taxi.

Where are you right now?

Well, I don't know either.

I don't know either,

motherfucking asshole, motherfucker.

I don't know either.

Stupid shit.

The chicken here, this place,

don't have any chicken.

Yeah, bullshit.

You have chickens everywhere, motherfucker.

This guy sounds like a faggot.

Are you homosexual?

All right, I'll call someone else.

Forget it.

Hey, yeah.

What's the deal with Milkman?

He changed his profile picture

like 22 minutes ago why the fuck is he here i don't know oh shit milkman he changed his profile

pic that means he's online yeah that motherfucker yeah hello hi is this cheer hotel yeah hello oh

hotel right yeah listen do you speak english no motherfucker how many fathers do you have

okay bye bye bye i'm not gonna talk to you if you don't speak english i don't have time

Yeah, thank you.

Bye.

All right, hanging up.

Next one.

All right, no more chicken.

No more chicken.

No chicken still?

No, no, no.

Not for next time.

Yeah, I could answer this.

What's up, Marina?

Yeah, you speak English?

Hello.

You speak English?

Yeah, a minute.

Hi, do you speak English?

Yeah, I speak English.

Hi, I'm on the street.

You're too normal.

I'm staying in your hotel.

I'm on the street right now.

and i got some men really upset at me and they have guns on me right now they're watching me

and they said that i'm not allowed to leave unless someone comes pick me up

huh who stay me yeah what do you mean who stay me on the street yeah i'm on the street i was in

front of the mosque you know the mosque wait a moment let me look outside i went to the mosque

and i took a shit i was urinating in the mosque in front of the mosque can you speak better german

German?

No, motherfucker, no.

Scheisse?

It's only what you can talk.

Tenet Deutsch.

I only know Scheisse.

You stay here to Hotel Marina?

Kommensmann Scheisse?

God, I'm sick of this.

Kommensmann Scheisse.

I don't care.

If you don't speak English, go fuck yourself, all right?

Go away.

Little bit.

Bitch.

Sorry, I don't understand you.

Fathers.

Frequency Deutsch.

Father.

You know father?

We can't be speaking.

Do you speak English?

God damn you.

Hello.

Do you speak English?

Why?

Well, because I'm at the hotel.

I live in your hotel.

I'm staying there.

Who's staying?

I am staying in the hotel.

I am a guest.

What's the hotel number?

What's the name of the hotel?

225.

Yeah, and I was urinating in front of the mosque.

Hello?

I think we talked in the wrong hotel.

I was urinating in front of the mosque.

Yeah, hotel?

Yes.

You speak English?

Yes.

Listen, I'm staying at your hotel, and I'm on the street now.

Yeah.

All right, look, I was doing drugs.

I put drugs in my ass, like I put in a condom, I put pills.

Are you there?

Yeah.

And so I was doing them, and I started having a drug effect, and I went to the street.

And I don't know what happened, but now, like, I was at a mosque.

I was in front of the mosque, and I was urinating in front of the mosque.

And these four men came up to me, and they took me.

Hello?

Where are you now?

I'm on the street.

I don't know.

They said that I can't move.

They have masks on.

They have masks on, and they're setting up a camera, a video camera.

And they said that I could call someone to come pick me up

You are at Bandrima now?

Yeah

You have something...

You have any camera and...

No, listen, monkey, motherfucker, listen

I was doing pee-pee, you know pee-pee?

You know what pee-pee is?

Pee-pee?

Pee-pee

Do you know what pee-pee is?

I was doing pee-pee in front of mosque, okay?

I don't know.

Oh, you're fucking, you're stupid, all right?

Eh.

You're fucking stupid.

How about that?

Useless motherfucker.

You stupid idiot.

You good-for-nothing idiot.

I had to call someone else, okay?

I can't understand you.

Fuck you.

I can't understand you.

Hey, girl, you know I got something for you when you're done with this asshole.

Okay.

I got something for you now.

Hello?

Do you speak English?

Yes, sir.

Okay, I hope you understand what I'm saying.

Yeah.

I'm on the street.

Can I take your name, sir?

My name is Eddie.

I'm on the street.

Eddie?

Okay, look.

I'm staying in your hotel.

Yes.

And I was doing drugs.

I ran out on the street, and now these men took me.

They said that they're going to hurt me unless someone comes to pick me up.

And where are you now, sir?

I'm on the street.

I don't know.

I have a lot of drugs in my body, and they said they're going to fuck me.

They said they're going to rape me and everything.

What was your name, sir?

I threw a rock at a mosque.

No, no.

What was your name, sir?

Eddie.

Eddie?

Eddie, fucking motherfucker.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Sir, Eddie.

Eddie.

Eddie, asshole.

I'm not enlisted.

I'm staying with a man.

He's my husband.

Your husband?

My husband.

I'm staying with my husband there.

Sir, where are you now?

Can you tell me, please?

please uh i look there's a stop sign there's a light and there's four men with ak-47s over there

and they have black uh masks on ski mask on and they're sitting wearing a turban yeah and they're

sitting up a video camera and a laptop they said they were going to broadcast this they have uh

they're going to give me something to read unless someone comes pick me up soon

apparently why i threw something at a at a mosque you know what a mosque is sir can you take a can

you take a taxi and and give give the phone to him and i will tell him the your direction how

you can hear i think that one taxi and i can't i will tell him they're telling me they're not

they have someone that you people have to come pick me up or they're gonna take me away no i

I think someone around

will take you by taxi.

No, listen, asshole motherfucker.

They're going to kill me.

All right?

No, are you okay?

I'm not okay.

I am not okay.

Are you drunken now, sir?

Yeah.

Drugs.

Drugs, drugs, drugs.

Okay, okay.

Okay, get one taxi and come here.

I don't know where I know.

No, no taxi.

No taxi.

They don't send...

No taxi.

They said no.

Any taxi didn't take you here.

No.

I'm far away.

Where are you now?

Tell me your direction

I don't know what you know

They blindfolded me

And they put me in a trunk

And drove me

I don't know where they left me

Can you find someone

And give the phone

Someone

They will tell me in Turkish

I might be able to do that

Yeah there's nobody here right now

Oh my god

Can I

Alright

Let me try to call somebody

Okay

Sir I don't know

Where are you

How can I send someone

You don't know

Where are you

How can

I don't know

Where you are

Let me

I'm gonna

I have

I might be able to put someone on.

He speaks Turkish, okay?

Let me see if he picks up.

Okay, find someone, and I will help you really fast.

Yeah, because I already talked.

No, no, no, don't go, because he's going to pick up.

Okay, okay.

Good evening, Turkish chicken.

Yeah, hello?

Yes?

Can you speak to this guy?

Go ahead, hotel.

What?

Yeah, he's, you speak Turkish, right?

Yes.

Okay, I need you to talk to him.

Talk to who?

Sir, hotel.

What?

He's with the hotel.

Is this Faizan?

Hey, Faisan, you're a bitch.

It's important.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

Hi.

Why didn't you talk to her?

Yes, sir.

Where did you...

Did you find someone now?

I had her on the phone, idiot, and you didn't say anything.

No, no.

It was...

It was close.

Not...

I didn't...

Well, now I'm trying again.

Yeah, okay.

Don't go anywhere.

Hello?

Hello, sir.

I'm here.

Okay.

I'm trying to get them on.

Now they don't want to talk.

Say something in Turkish, sir.

You really messed up, motherfucker.

Nobody around.

on oh she just hung up again okay let me try again hang on don't go don't go stay sir you you

your uh your wife his name is jika yeah jessica martin yeah yeah okay yeah they're gonna they're

gonna get us they're gonna destroy i waited you until morning but i you you are staying in third

floor the mean the mean person's name is faizan she's got a big machete faizan you know faizan

where is your wife she's so mean i'm the wife she is with you yeah she's with me yes

can you give her it's me i'm jessica hang on i'm connecting i'm connecting i'm connecting

hello hello hi nobody around sir can you give someone please find someone do you speak turkish

Yes, sir.

Brother, where are these people?

Who are you talking about?

Where are these customers exactly?

What are you talking about, brother? I don't understand.

Brother, where are the people who are with this phone right now?

They called me.

Now he says I will come to the hotel, but he can't come.

There is nothing, brother, we closed it.

Now I'm leaving the restaurant.

No, now this is the person you gave the phone to.

I didn't give anyone's phone, brother.

Then why is this gentleman calling me?

Why did you call me? I don't understand.

No, no, who is the phone in your hand right now? Is it yours?

Turkish Kitchen Restaurant's phone, yes.

Oh my God, how did it happen? The person who called me just now said that he couldn't come to the hotel.

Where are you now?

Between 28 and 27, with the third appointment.

Oh my God. Isn't there anyone else? I wonder if the phone made a connection.

So I still don't understand why you called.

One of these two best friends now, or what?

Whoa.

Okay.

What's up?

What happened?

Sir?

Yeah, what did you find out?

Sir, he's a locking liar.

No, I'm not.

no no not you he is a fucking liar he said i am working i nobody around me i cannot help him he

said me yeah he's a fucking liar right he's a motherfucker tell him yes i know i know that i

and i realized it early yeah and so can you find another person because he didn't want to help you

he said i don't know this buddy and i don't know nobody around me i said oh who who find this phone

to call me he said it is it is it is a company phone i said fuck he's not your company phone

He's our guest.

Why you didn't help him?

He's just a fucking liar, I think.

Well, no, I'm not a fucking liar.

I'm Jessica Martin's husband.

No, no, it's not about you.

It's about the guy who knows talk with me in English way.

Turkish way.

Oh, him?

He sounded like a real asshole, didn't he?

I think you should find someone.

He's a truck man.

He's around in the police, something like that.

You don't like him?

Oh, I thought you guys were hanging out like friends or something.

Oh, okay.

Okay, well, let me try someone else. I got someone else maybe.

Yes, find someone and be very fast. I think you are not in the second.

Hello?

Hi, sir.

Hi.

Hello?

I know. Can you tell me? Can you send it to us urgently, sir?

Where?

Send it to Sirkeci, sir.

What Sirkeci, brother?

Send the two men next to Sirkeci to us.

Do you have a fight with me?

What do I say, what do you say? Who is that phone in your hand right now?

Where is Sirkeci, brother? This is New York, what is Sirkeci?

New York? What is New York?

Abicim, New York burda. New Yorkta restoran burasi ya.

Beyefendi beni arıyor diyor, ben geleceğim diyor.

Ab bilmiyorum ya, ne olduğunu anlamadım. Ben o yüzden kapatıyorum şimdi restoranını çıkıyorum, okey?

Tamam, tamam, tamam.

Now what? Now what happened?

Sir?

Yeah?

Are you in Turkey or are you in New York?

I'm in Turkey, I'm in Turkey. I'm trying to connect people that might speak Turkish.

He says me I am in New York.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

Yeah, do you speak Turkish?

No, I do not.

You motherfucker.

Who is this?

You stupid shit.

Can you put someone that speaks Turkish on the phone, motherfucker?

I command you.

I'm calling from the Turkish embassy.

Your mother.

There's an important Turkish man here that we need to speak with.

You hear that, motherfucker?

Motherfucker?

American?

All right, well, Mr. Turkey, I'm going to let you go.

It was nice talking to you.

Is he gone already?

No.

The bad guys let us go.

All right, bye.

Whatever.

He was pretty.

he's a fucking liar i finally met me he was like no that other guy i guess they

they got into a little bit of an argument i don't know if you've seen this before

more than likely you have uh did you hear about the guy that just did a bunch of stupid shit

around walmart and got banned from there no what did he who jack vale no he said his name is mr

wolf okay what did he do so check this letter out it says dear mrs wolf over the past six months

your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store uh we can we cannot tolerate this behavior

they have been forced to ban both of you from our store our complaints against your husband

mr wolf are listed below uh and is documented by our video surveillance camera uh there's like

15 of them but they're funny as shit you'll like them uh june 15th he took 24 boxes of

condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking uh uh let's see

uh july 2nd he set all the alarm clocks and housewares to go off in five minute intervals

nice uh in july 7th he made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom

supposedly that's a fake letter uh according to snopes snopes is the bottom line man

what's that now snopes.com has it reported as a fake letter oh i i hadn't seen it before

yeah it was still funny it's it's just some shit they had on somebody was sharing on facebook

yeah i got you but cool nonetheless sounds like some shit that we would do probably not to that

extreme no i did to the extreme something that the rb would do i do it i have no control uh

hey guys i'm gonna take a break you guys ready for that yeah i am i i look are you talking to

the guy that used to go around he i worked in a grocery store and i used to go around with a

black magic marker and I would cross

out barcodes on random

items.

I put a big X on it.

Yeah, like on random popular

items. Like I do to bread

all the time. Basically, all the bread

gets bought. It gets bought

and doesn't really go bad.

Oh, shit.

Be a cashier.

You're also the guy that took a shit at a party and put it in the microwave.

I did do that also, yeah.

I'm not proud of it.

I'm just saying it happens.

It was fun afterwards.

I thought I was going to get caught.

That's what I was scared.

I was going to get around school that I shit and put it in the microwave and caught it.

Apparently it smoked.

It was like a really bad shit burn smoke.

I can only imagine.

Yeah.

Okay, look, I'm going to take a break because I want to stretch my legs and get some strawberries to eat.

But when we come back, we'll have more prank calls, including more calls to Turkey.

We've got some more numbers in Puerto Rico.

While we're at it, we also have more requests of pranks to get to.

Lonesome Loser is also sending in numbers in Australia for Indian restaurants.

Those are always fun.

And we can surely expect some of Baz's favorite, the UK wake-up calls.

All when we come back.

probably due by another hour show and i'm gonna hit the set i'll be right back don't go anywhere

you guys stick around too thank you all right hey everybody i'm carlito this is madhouse radio

second part of the show starting right now oh yeah i'm supposed to talk about the shit

the networking oh yeah the changes i haven't heard all this yet all right so basically what's going

going on uh what's going on is we're uh the site i decided to you know we want to keep the network

going of course but i think it should be separated from madhouse because there's what i would

consider let's say brand confusion sometimes madhouse between madhouse's show between me and

then the hosts and i just i don't think it's fair a for the other hosts to have to deal with that

and b um if i decided i want to leave for a while or leave forever or someone else does let's say

it should be able to survive and keep going you know what i mean because the way it is now if it's

madhouse if i decide i can't do the show anymore something happens and i can't do it anymore

it wouldn't be fair to all the other hosts like you know say giad and brad and etc etc turbo

so anyway we decided between me and brad and i had enigma helping me out on logistics we are

changing the name took out a domain it's prank call nation.com still under heavy construction

right now but i can go ahead and give out the website prank call nation.com the network i took

the domain out like over a year ago but i'm finally proceeding with it so it we're the network

itself won't be called madhouse radio that's going to be my show madhouse radio and then

And Prank Call Network is the name of the network.

Or Prank Call Nation is the name of the network.

I'm sorry.

Look at me.

I'm already fucking it up.

PCN.

Prank Call Nation.

PrankCallNation.com.

The first step is slated for Saturday during the day.

I would expect it would happen.

We're going to start using a PCN chat room instead of Madhouse.

So everything, if you go to the Madhouse chat room, you'll be automatically forwarded to the new one.

Kind of like what DeathFox tried to do with his headquarter, his HQ thing.

So everything just kind of shoots over.

That'll be the first step.

And then the chat page on the MadHouseLive.com website is going to automatically forward you to the same page on the PrankCallNation.com domain.

Just to kind of scoot everybody along a little bit.

Also, yes, also, I wanted to start this week and there's going to be a new Mixler account.

and if i yeah the mixer account is prank call nation prank call nation that is the name of the

new mixer account that i'm guessing jayach is still going to be on the one we're using tonight

on the madhouse live one uh tomorrow he will still be on it but i would expect saturday

is the target date for us to start having everyone use that instead so go ahead and

follow that account now if you haven't

yet so that you get the heads up once

we start doing it but again that's slated for this

weekend hopefully Saturday

the phase one of the

conversion to Prank Call Nation

is the chat room

being converted over

and the mixer account being converted

over there also is a Facebook

page and a Twitter

I don't expect those to get very heavy

use but they are at the

website now if you want to link those

The major reason for this, again, like I said, is for continuity of the network.

I think it's only fair to everyone who's working hard other than me if I decided that I needed to go.

Let's say I got busted for some reason.

Let's say I made a really big fuck-up, I was irresponsible doing a prank call,

and I get busted, and I'm in a position where I can't do prank calls anymore like I do now.

But that shouldn't reflect on the rest of you who don't do a stupid mistake and can keep it going.

and carlita will call in daily uh from alcatraz to do shows alcatraz island fuck yeah man okay

but yep also here's the other thing the second part of this after that um the is the um for it's

it's going to be a little bit better for the hosts if they want you know a lot of the hosts

you included baz i don't know if you got the info on this already but for example baz you'll have

have like let's say baz.prankcallnation.com that'll be a home page for you where like i'll

i'll just set it up with a basic page for you with all your links for your shows like where

to download them and your facebook if you want to give it out or whatever it is but you can actually

if you want you're going to have the ability to go in there and change it yourself to whatever

you want you know what i mean and then and also you'll you'll be able to whenever you're done

And with one of your shows, like the ones you've been doing during the week, you can upload those there.

So you don't have to worry about finding a place to share it at if you can't afford it or can't find it.

You have a web space that you can use already.

And we should be able to generate a podcast feed for you automatically.

So all you have to do is make sure that you're putting the MP3 of the show that you just did up on that server.

And it should automatically update.

that's that's that's the intention we're hoping we haven't implemented it yet well that's the plan

and make that as seamless as possible so there could be a bass podcast and it's easy as fuck

for you to manage you know what i mean that's great yeah i've been thinking about doing that

yeah i'm glad i held off now brad won't use it because he's got his own setup already but

what his his page will just link back to all the phone losers links and his facebook and youtube

I'm the same thing.

My stuff will link all the way back to Madhouse.

But, again, if it's someone who needs it.

Somebody like me who doesn't have anything yet.

There you go.

Like Brent West would show.

Aaron will keep his website, I'm presuming.

Because he already has a website in his own archive.

Yeah.

So it's more of a centralization.

And we've got to set up for all the hosts.

We've done the legwork already.

It's not final.

That's second phase.

And there's other stuff down the way.

but again pretty soon we won't be calling this madhouse anymore it'll be called prank call nation

pcn i don't know what you guys want to call it question in the chat from adam what he wants to

know if there's still gonna be a showreel on the new mixer account yes there will be a showreel

that will not change um there may be a change to the madhouse show rule showreel one but i'm not

ready to make that announcement yet those may not be available unless you're a supporter of

madhouse i might i might do a patreon uh like brad is doing just to start helping cover costs

for stuff like this so that we can you know it's really for everyone else like i'm okay

you know doing my little thing on the side but i'm trying to make something that's sustaining

itself at this point we should be able to do that minimizing out-of-pocket costs for you

and that way you know covers baz turbo if he needs if he needs a place to have a podcast at

You can do it right there.

I told Turbo.

Turbo was excited.

Giyad's real excited about it.

Baz, I don't think I got a chance to tell you about it yet.

Yeah.

I think that's it.

Aaron is still dealing with computer issues, from what I understand.

I'm accessing Brent Westwood's site right now to get on chat.

There you go.

It looks fantastic, and I see a link for some Ju-Gold on the side.

Ju-Gold, that old episode.

That's a funny episode.

All right, listen.

So that was news.

So we shared the Madhouse news again.

that's it'll i i want to say we're just going to say pcn you know what i mean isn't that doesn't

it roll off the tongue it reminds me it reminds me of the good old days with pcu you remember that

yeah yeah that's exactly what i was thinking yeah but i didn't want to just steal i did have the

option there was i did look at it once when i picked prank call nation pcu radio.com the old

website was available at that time it's not anymore now it's it's a shoutcast station

playing some euro funk shit but i almost took it out and said i'll just call it pcu radio and piss

off kdk but i passed i passed on it and yeah now now some other asshole took it it would have been

nicer had i taken it because at least i had something to do with the real pcu radio the

original one yeah but yeah some other dude i i went to do it now like last week i went to do it

and i went to the domain and straight up just came up with techno music i'm like ah

ah fuck some asshole took it anyway oh this is a new a new chapter yeah so it's gonna be awesome

i'm real excited about it okay yeah you know things have been really thriving lately so

it's appropriate you know oh here's an i wanted to do something with um kdk has all those sound

boards he's got like a whole bajillion sound boards on his website but he doesn't even promote

that or do anything he just has it there so um i ganked them all and i'm gonna try to make

make something out of it on our website like a soundboard depository there i could i could you

know i could but it'd be straight up copying katie case then he could i might as well right if he's

already saying that i copy him for this and we copy him for that might as well just blatantly do

it yeah he claims he's the originator of the uk wake up which is bullshit that's bullshit that is

bullshit i was the first one out of all the pc you guys to call out of the country yeah get out

of here man i don't know i heard that like a couple years three years ago you bitch motherfucker

i remember him saying that i remember me and milkman and shit like like thinking the world

speaks english all right pacific islands right okay yeah yeah everybody's doing that yeah yeah

whatever all right look i will have to say that um i was the one that gave you the very first

guam number where are you okay okay good so you've got that you get that behind you there

can't be that many phone numbers in guam anyway no i think we've called them all between turbo

and i think at this point we're yeah our information is on the posters down there all

over guam do not answer phone calls from these men they ask for a peck pack and some guy named

cross let's fucking call charlie and see what he's up to guam sex shop whenever we call them

them now the lady just answers the phone cheers her voice she goes police station oh fun hey uh

rb pp's here and he left okay we should call charlie and say hello oh yes you got it you

want charlie you got it man i'll talk to charlie we'll get this straight drop charlie hey carlito

hey bradley how are you man oh super i just want to say i think this whole new network thing is

bullshit and i'm moving i'm moving over to friday night cranks his new network oh they got a new

network too yeah yeah oh wait kdk said last week he was bringing pcu back right oh yeah something

like that no i'm talking about friday night cranks though he's got he's got prank call

world.com no he doesn't are you for real no i'm kidding oh my god i just almost fucking

really pissed off at the world motherfucker that guy he sold his soul to the devil right like

Like Kanye West and those people?

That's what he did, right?

I'm just jealous because Jared's so goddamn funny.

Oh, he's so talented, man.

Yeah, totally talented.

He's just a natural at prank calls.

Let's call the restaurant.

Was that his cell right there?

Yeah, that was his cell.

Here we go.

See if we can get his asshole son or bitch fucking daughter on the line.

So they're both working out of there now.

It's busy.

Yeah, because one day his asshole son gave me a hard time.

And then the next time I called, it was his fucking bitch daughter.

So I need to do the Pepsi order.

She started giving me a hard time.

How you doing?

Can I speak to Charlie, please?

I need to speak to Charlie, please.

Charlie's not here now.

So who's calling?

This is Dwight.

I need to do the Pepsi order.

Huh?

Charlie's not here.

Yeah, put the manager on the phone.

Who's in charge?

Oh, okay.

Hold on a minute.

Now it's BG, yeah?

All right, hurry up, BG.

Hurry up.

The fuck was so funny about me asking for Charlie, right?

Yeah.

She had, like, a wasali.

Charlie's his howly name.

I thought I just heard him in the background.

I could have sworn I did, too.

He's there.

I mean, he owns the damn place.

He's probably there all the time.

Playing with that fucking bird.

i thought i heard motherfucker there for a second too she she straight up just loses on hold

sometimes though charlie charlie's his slave name that's how the white man keeps him down

it's his holy name uh i'll call someone else while you wait this is taking too long

here's a kebab and pizza in australia a kebab in pizza huh yeah hey what was that irish pizza

hut you're calling and it was saying pizza hut or something petza it sounded like it was oh yeah

Yeah, yeah, that was really odd.

Petsahut.

Petsahut?

I think it might have been UK.

Yeah.

Maybe, I don't know.

Hello?

Hi.

Is this Charlie?

Hello?

Hey, who is this?

This is Chingabi Kebab and Pizza.

Who are you after?

My buddy, Cross, needs to make an order for some shit kebabs.

Yeah, I want us some banjo.

Hello?

Yeah, are you Indian?

Charlie.

Who is this?

We're talking to a guy in the UK, Australia.

You're in the UK?

Yeah.

Well, this is Australia.

I know.

It's the same thing, right?

No, it's not.

You're Englishman, right?

You're all Englishman.

You're all faggots also.

Did you pay your taxes?

Yes, I did.

To the crown?

Did you pay your taxes to the crown?

We didn't.

Because we're not little puppets like you.

Really?

What penal colony are you incarcerated in?

Sorry, I can't understand you.

Yes, what penal colony are you incarcerated in?

I'm not in a colony.

Yeah?

He wants to know what prison you're in, bitch.

Yeah.

Hello, Charlie.

Charlie?

We're trying to talk to Charlie, too.

Well, you're like, Charlie?

I'm like, that's not Charlie.

Sounded like him, kind of, though.

Sounded like Charlie when he got that answer.

Kind of did.

All right, here's Pizza Pocket.

Charlie's still connected.

No, the guy that picked up at the Dew Drop.

So some guy picked up at the Dew Drop.

Is this still, are they still there?

Yeah.

Charlie, if you're listening in, I love you.

Pizza Pocket.

Pizza Pocket, right?

Yeah, man.

You motherfucker, you.

Huh?

Hey, I want a pizza pocket.

Yeah, I want to fuck a pizza pocket like a pussy pocket.

Yeah, can you put a hole in the side so we can slip our cocks into?

I'm going to come into your store and I'm going to jerk off right in your face.

Shut the fuck up, Mike.

Fuck off, man.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Come into your store and beat off.

Hey, Dwight, you been making pizza calls in South Carolina lately?

Not that I know of.

I just saw a news story about...

Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt, Brad.

Hey, can you make a tuna pizza pussy pocket?

That's hard to say.

Come down and put the order.

I'll come put the order, Mike.

Oh, come on, man.

We're on our way down.

Listen, buddy, I'm going to come down there,

and I'm going to make you jerk me off.

I'll pinch your nipples.

Get the fuck up, man.

I'll pinch your nipples.

You're going to grab my dick and jerk it.

hey what were you saying there rbpc oh it's it's it's a story i just saw it's like in uh south

carolina someone has been calling pizza customers and saying they ejaculated on your pizza they

they have like uh like badgers or something that keep pooping on all the pizzas

and i i don't know who it could be but like i don't think it's anyone

around madhouse i haven't heard about this it's along the same lines but i tell them squirrels

yeah it sounds like someone

that listens to madhouse shows

is doing pizza calls

doing the lord's work on our behalf

or something

I've never been involved in such calls

do you think any of our pranks have made news ever

I wonder

I don't know

it seems like we've been talked about somewhere

but I don't think it's actual news

like we've had memos go out

we've had memos yeah

like best buy stuff like that

Oh, this fucking 7-Eleven knows about us.

Actually, the gym, the fitness place, they've had a memo out about us already.

Even though we just started doing that like last week.

Wow.

Oh, really?

Yeah, Pulp just found out about that.

No shit.

Wow, that was pretty quick.

What the fuck, Pulp?

Not sharing with the fucking rest of the class?

What the fuck?

You got to warn us.

There was a pizza thing that made the news, but I can't remember exactly what it was.

It was one of our pizza things.

You know, there was one out.

it was like right along the lines of what we did you know we were bitching at customers for not

leaving a good tip and uh the guy went and bitched and actually made a news reel he said that i won

the worst customer in the world for not tipping right and like he just was being a real dickhead

about the situation yeah it says something about in here about tips also i'm pretty sure dwight's

responsible for all this he just didn't want to admit it yeah i think so too i'm going to

Alcatraz

Sloth says in IRC that there's

a secret call that may have been on the news

but it cannot be spoken of

yeah that happened right around

the time we had problems now I'm remembering

it and we kind of kept it quiet because of

the problems we were having

the first rule about Madhouse is

we don't speak about Madhouse

hey look Twitter complainers

we've got here this is always fun

we've got a comcast guy saying the

comcast website is broken

so he can't submit a survey

I'll talk to his ass.

I'll do a fucking survey.

Tell him we'll do it on the phone one.

I'm outsourced, motherfucker.

I work from home.

These calls aren't recorded because I fucking said so.

You see his name there is the first one.

Bye, you.

I'm going to put him on the phone right now.

Shut up.

Bitch.

At least it does say at the end of that no story,

no one has been arrested in the prank call incidents.

Bye, you.

Good, good.

I guess that's good.

I don't know.

Well.

It's because their tracer's busted.

Here's a guy who needs help upgrading his phone to a new model, wants the iPhone 4S.

Why does he want that shit?

I don't know.

And I don't know who he's trying to contact.

Who's he trying to contact?

Whatever.

iPhone 4S.

I think we could burn him real quick.

You trying to upgrade that phone, motherfucker?

It's a lady.

Mrs. Anderson.

This is Morpheus.

You're very sorry.

I didn't do that.

It's stupid.

All right.

Here's a guy upset at Comcast for losing his rental equipment that he sent back.

and Comcast is sending him

to collections over it.

So he lost the equipment.

Sir, your bill's up to $595.

I don't give a fuck

if you send it back or not.

Yeah, bullshit.

I sent it back.

Julio Garcia.

I'm through a customer satisfaction survey.

We know Todd Davis.

Please leave a message.

My name's Todd.

I guess the formating

is fucking me up here.

Yeah.

Andrew could be fun.

I thought I heard a pickup.

Yeah, Andrew's gonna be fun.

He's an attorney.

Posted on Twitter

that he told Comcast

to kiss his ass

and that he works at a law

Oh, yeah? Why, well, fucking David Snousewell got his degree at DeVry, so fucking.

Yeah, that always shows.

That's really meaningful, lawyer. That always shows.

Andrew Neeson?

Hello, is Andrew Neeson available, please?

Yeah, man, can I call you?

Yes, this is Dwight McClanahan. I'm calling on behalf of Comcast.

Yeah, what's up? I'm Andrew.

Yes, I was calling to do a customer survey. I see you had a recent interaction with our customer service department, and I wanted to get the survey filled out for you.

Yeah, can we do this another time?

I'm in the middle of something.

Sir, I'm a very important fucking man, and we need to do this now.

Do this?

I'm an important man, and I need to get this filled out so I can go home.

Okay.

What's the matter?

Did I interrupt you in the middle of...

In the middle of masturbation, let me ask.

Let me see if he'll talk to me.

Probably not.

He might.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

This is the supervisor here at the call center.

Did you just get a call from my associate, Dwight?

Yes.

Yeah, I wanted to apologize on his behalf.

He's been terminated now.

He's definitely not going to be doing anything like this again.

I apologize again.

Can I run through the survey, please?

Motherfucker.

Whatever.

Bye.

One more time.

I'll threaten to sue him.

I'm the attorney, Comcast attorney.

He's going to go on law firm.

I doubt he'll.

He's probably not going to answer.

Yes, Mr. Nissen.

This is David Snozwell.

I'm with the general counsel here at Comcast Legal Affairs.

I've been monitoring these calls, and it seems that we might be within our rights to file a suit against you

for being harassing to our employees that are trying to make simple survey calls.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah?

Okay, cool.

So can I get some information?

We're going to be serving papers tomorrow.

Okay, cool.

And will you be available to receive the papers from between 9 o'clock and 3 o'clock Eastern?

Do you know where I am?

And then you put them up your ass.

I'm calling to get this information.

I know that you're in New Hampshire, is that correct?

He could put him up his ass on them.

Yeah, no, it's 3 a.m. here, yeah.

Yeah? Well, the law waits for no man.

No, that's true, I've heard that.

First off, he's a lying motherfucker.

It's only 12.51 there, he's a piece of shit.

You know what, you're just racking up additional charges

that will be levied upon you.

Yeah, that's fine.

Yeah, and it seems that, according to my records,

when you initially contacted Comcast,

you claimed you were working at a law firm, is that correct?

Yes.

Yes, I didn't know that anybody with a low IQ such as yourself

could work at a law firm.

That's interesting.

He's clearly violating Statute 21 of the Homo Statute.

Yeah, yeah, I definitely have that written in my doc here.

That's actually true.

I actually just got on the phone with my general counsel,

and they were warning me that I was in violation.

I had no idea.

Laws are changing all the time.

And yet you proceeded with the infractions.

Yeah, no, I did.

I have very little respect for the law.

Okay, I'm writing that down, too.

That's going to be another $25,000 in punitive damages.

You would also like to know why when our tech person came to your door,

you exposed your genitals to him?

Yeah, well, see, I was expecting someone else.

That was actually a simple mix-up.

They promised to Burnett.

So you're telling us that you were expecting a prostitute?

No. No, actually. No, I would never break that law. No, not at all.

Well, I don't know. You don't seem to have any problem breaking about any other law.

No, but I actually have nothing but the utmost respect in terms of prostitution laws.

Everything else, though, I tell people.

Next question.

Is your mother a brunette?

Well, it depends on the day of the week, am I right?

You are right.

Thank you.

What about downstairs?

I, well...

You saw it once.

That's privileged information.

You saw it once, right?

At least once.

We all saw it once.

Yeah.

Does the carpet match the shades?

That's not how that expression goes.

Oh, well, whatever.

That's what I learned at DeVry Law School

The big question I have around here is

Do you shave your taint?

Do the drapes match the curtains?

Duh

That guy is right

He was actually correct

Sir, my name is Charles Bartowski

I'm with the Public Defender's Office

And I'm going to be representing you in this case

Okay, cool

At this point, how do you plead?

Guilty or not guilty?

No contest, actually

No, guilty or not guilty?

I went to DeVry

and I know how this works

guilty or not guilty

I went to the University of Phoenix

that's no DeVry

in Dwight's court sir

it's either guilty or not guilty

we don't do that fucking no contest shit

this isn't the south man

I'm not actually

I'm in the south

right now for a business meeting

I'm Judge Carlos

I bet this guy has a velvet throat

throat i would love to fuck it nice dentures take them right out yeah oh fuck yeah yeah a big nice

loose asshole hey let's do a masturbation contest you guys ready on three

phone didn't finish she's gotta eat the cum soaked over you yep here's yours

airplane soggy biscuit we'll mail it to you you there zerk i'm just gonna let him go

I'm going to let him sink into the ocean like

Ludicaprio.

There we go.

His heart will go on.

The drapes match the carpet.

How does that not work? The shades match the carpet.

That makes perfect sense.

Yeah, you can get shades.

You can get the shades and colors now.

Don't say motherfucker.

I don't have curtains.

I have fucking shades, alright?

It's 2014. Who has curtains anymore?

Damn right.

Like the White House and shit.

Anyway

Here is

Ikihaha

Sethithi

Who is in Virginia

And is complaining

About Comcast

And their internet

Connectivity issue

I'll show her a lesson

This isn't on that list

This is a different one

Oh I was about to say

I do not see what you're talking about

Yeah

It's hot

Hot number

Are you going to talk to her

Or are you going to talk to her

All sexual

Hello

Yeah is that

Ikihaha

Sethithi

Um

Yes

Who's speaking

Hi this is Eddie

I'm with Comcast

I'm calling you back

you're having trouble with your internet connectivity yes so um i live in blacksburg

um and the internet every night constantly keeps getting disconnected okay all right and it's it

just keeps okay um i found out why hello i'm sorry yes i investigated and i looked at your

account and i found out why your your account keeps getting uh suspended why does it keep

getting suspended well because you're looking at porn a lot of pornography that's a lot of

yeah and too much youtube also you have to pay separate you have to pay separate for youtube now

i'm let me uh see if i can fix this joke no no youtube separate now and cnn.com is separate

tmz is a separate yeah uh do you use netflix yes i do hang on but then i'm not watching netflix

right now right now all that i'm doing is i'm just online on facebook yeah but the problem is

there's you must you have something like a virus it's looking at pornography and sharing it it

sends it i have roommates so i can ask them you have roommates go ask them now because i if not

i'm going to shut it down forever and ever right now i'm going to turn it off um i don't think

you should turn off the account oh i have permission to i have to do it i have my supervisor

Mr. Snozzwell and then I have another technician

Also Brad

Mr. Snozzwell did she just say that she was on

Facebook is that what she said

Oh yeah I think it was a Facebook feed too right

Yeah well actually I'm

Actually monitoring her account right now

And she's actually on MasterChat

I'm not

It says that she's performing

You're performing sexual

She knew what that was

What's MasterChat

I didn't even know

That's where you can go online and masturbate

She got all nervous

Master bait in front of each other

How did they know

Listen we have the records

You're going to master chat

I am not in master chat

Not right now

I don't even have an account on that

Excuse me miss

My name is Dwight and I was on master chat

With you they pulled me in to verify

And may I say bravo

A very good performance

And she's also on chatterbait.com

Recently as well

Yeah, and Live Jasmine.

Listen, we can fix all this for you.

Are you at your computer now?

I'm sorry, are you really calling from Comcast?

I'm going to call back Comcast customer service and directly talk to them.

Well, listen, this is your ticket number.

We're going to have to charge you a fee.

You know what?

We're going to go ahead and shut off your internet anyway.

Then we'll shut it off right now.

Why should you?

This is terrible customer service to shut off internet.

Well, you're being a stupid motherfucker.

You know that?

that you're giving me a hard motherfucking time oh wow you should have beat spender yeah we can

fix it we need you to put this in so we can trace the problem your call has been forwarded to an

automated voice she's calling comcast right now it's just 12 more spins and we'll have it

your call oh all right well there you go comcast doing good work over there thanks

more complainers let me go back to that list the earlier one so there's a place called winkles

that this guy's mad at

and his name is

Tracy. Her name is Tracy.

Tracy.

It's a dude name.

It's a dude name, Tracy.

They gave him a girl's name and toughened him up. I like that.

Let's see what the fuck Tracy's problem is.

Winkles.

It's like a gay bar or something.

Kenzie with Microsoft name.

He works with Microsoft. Yeah, this is gonna go well

if he picks up. Let's see.

As for Mrs. Tracy

Kenzie.

Excuse me, ma'am.

That's a girl's name

I'm a man

What the hell

Okay no luck there

Moving right along

This next one could be good but we don't have a name

Really there's no name just the account

Haven't seen it yet

Says uh

Has a Comcast internet outage

Wants to know when it'll be back

This is just about two weeks

www.comcast.com

There's no number for it

Oh wait

there's no number for that was tracy that's that number right there we just did i guess right oh

there's no name period but there's no number either what the heck somebody's shooting fast

and loose from the hip yeah no number nowhere for me to call and actually there's a tweet he got

asking from time warner asking if he was still without service oh wow anyway okay and that's

it there let me go back to request a prank see what we got lonesome sending in a lot of numbers

as well so we got to get to those pretty soon okay that's nothing all right we got a number here

for steve and it's requested that we tell him we smell marijuana smoke from the left side of the

house and that we are concerned okay i'll do that or it should be a cop or something motherfucker

brad where do you check your numbers are you do you put it just put them in the white pages

or i just put it on google mostly and see if it comes up as like fbi or whatever okay do you get

get a lot of hits like that a lot of times people do that shit nah that's pretty rare but you know

occasionally yeah something bad asshole tell him to put a towel under the door and and break his

windows yeah hi this is steve i can't get to the phone right now but if you leave your name and

number come on hang up so speaking of bogus numbers carlito there was uh no repercussions

for calling that missile launch phase not that i know of yet no they see whenever you listen to

they seem pretty cool yeah they did like the one guy that first answered who said no worries

hello yeah hello yeah hey is that steve yes what are you doing good what time it is what is who's

calling well i was creeping around your house i was on the left side of your house and it smells

like pot man this is eddie i'm a cat burglar yeah but anyway you were like i guess you smoke pot or

something i could smell it really really from like the left side there was like a ton of weed smoke

smoke coming out of there i was trying to look for like stuff in the you know your yard that

you didn't have tied down take like lawnmowers and stuff i take them and i spawn them later

somewhere else no i don't want to say it again what are you doing what are you doing what are

you doing i'm sitting here i'm jerking it what are you doing yeah we're all we're all stroking

off we're having a video is that like it was a cop or something i don't know i freaked out

He's probably grabbing a flashlight.

Say it again.

Crazy motherfucker.

He's probably like a corrupt cop or something.

Yeah.

Fucking curb stomp me or something.

What was I?

I was thinking about something that we had to do.

Oh, yeah.

You're a cat burglar.

That's hilarious.

The show won't be going on for much longer.

I just took my sleeping pill.

I got to get to sleep soon.

Just saying.

Usually hits me pretty quick.

So get them in while you can

Let's start rapid firing

You said you got some Australian Indians?

Yes I do

That's right

Here's the first one of those

Star of India

We're just on another call at the moment

Please leave a message after the tone with your name

On another call

Bullshit

Try it again

They're opening it this time

It was an answer machine

Whatever

That doesn't sound very Indian

No it didn't

I got plenty more of these

Here's Zyka in New South Wales.

No.

Bullshit.

Australia.

That's a girl's name.

That's a state in Australia.

Welcome to Zyka Indian.

Your favorite Indian.

For pickup takeaway, press 1.

Home delivery.

Please note, calls to this organization are recorded and monitored for quality and training purposes.

What?

For prosecution purposes, do not prank us.

My favorite hold music.

What is this?

It's my favorite Indian.

Could make a good dubstep.

Could make a good background music for your show.

Use mixed results in a chat room about the music.

From happy to angry.

Oh, here's where it picks up.

Please note, most of this organization are recorded and monitored for quality and training purposes.

It's a dope song.

I like how it keeps going out of tune, randomly.

Yeah, do you?

Like it's on a tape or something, I don't know.

Tracks, it's gonna like start spooling out of the machine in a minute.

I guess.

All right, look, I'm calling a different one.

This is taking way too long.

Can we wait for the song to be over?

Sure.

Just kidding.

Note, this organization are recorded and monitored for quality.

Hello?

Yes.

Indian food, right?

Yeah, right.

I have to make an order.

Banchot?

Can I make an order to pick up at 5?

Sure.

Banchot?

Yeah.

Banchot?

Yeah, hurry the fuck up.

Banchot?

Yes.

Like one chicken, tikka masala.

Have you had it before, sir?

No, I have not, thank God.

It's like...

Thank the gods.

Sorry?

Nothing, I said proceed.

No, you don't.

So what do you mean by food bar?

Like a bin merry in a shopping center?

Yeah.

You come and pick it up, whatever you like.

So you have all the dirty shit laid out on a trough,

and people come with a shovel and just shovel that swill and that filth up into their plates?

Yeah, welcome.

Yeah?

Yeah, and then you ejaculate on the food and then shit on it.

Yeah, you can try that.

Shitty food.

Let's just go and fuck each other, okay?

Yeah, devil people food.

Yeah, you come here and let's see who's going to win.

Dirty man.

I'm going to make your sister to come in front of me and I'm going to inspect her for cleanliness.

Yeah, that's it.

What do you have to say about that?

I'm going to fart on their devil food.

Yeah, I'm going to fart on you.

I'm going to make a fart on you, motherfucker.

Fart on you.

I'm gonna call someone else too

Right in your face

Yeah you just

You just stay put

Don't you go anywhere

Bitch motherfucker

Not done with you yet

Hello

Yeah

Yeah I'd like to make an order

What you like sir?

One bhenchod

Hello

One bhenchod

Bhenchod

Tera bap

Tera madrian

Tera madrian chod

Tera ban ka lauda

Lauda

Madarchod

Bhenchod sale

Kutte ki ulaad

Fucker.

Yeah, keep going.

I'm not done.

I'm almost there.

It sounds really dramatic when it's echoing like that.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, that was great.

Put a couple numbers down there.

I'm going to hunt for a fucking Power Ranger.

Sounded like a Hitler speech or something.

It did sound like that.

Yeah.

I call you the winner

Damn

I call you a motherfucker a couple times

I put a couple numbers there

When you get done with this

Carly did you ever get my fitness numbers

Tonight

I sent them last week

If you sent them last week

They might have gotten lost in a sea of

Voicemail and notifications

And text notifications

And semen

I can look for

Sorry Sloth is saying that he thinks

except that guy put a hex on us.

I think so.

I'm losing main focus machine power.

Uh-oh.

I'm just warning you guys.

All right.

The Ambien machine?

Yeah, it's starting to kick in.

It usually lasts longer, but...

Okay, look.

Here's the guy looking for Steve.

You want me to call that?

I'm going to look for Steve.

He's supposed to be the second Power Ranger.

So you want me to call that?

Is that what it is?

Yeah, I'm going to hunt the hotel for him.

Okay, okay.

He's out in San Jose right now.

So the Red Ranger is out there too

Yeah, he's the second Red Ranger

Is JDF like the most famous of the Power Rangers?

Probably

I'm going to talk to JDF

How you doing? I need to be transferred to a guest room please

I got the last name

If you can take that

Yep, that works, what's the last name?

Yep, the last name is spelled

C as in cat, A as in apple

R as in retard

D as in den, E as in elephant

N as in Nancy

A as in apple

S-S-S-S-A-M

I don't seem to have anybody under that last name

Okay

Fucker

Could it be under a different name?

It could but I'm not going to bother with that

What I'd really like to do is

Maybe I'd come and make a reservation at your hotel

And I'd take you out on a date

We'd go up to the hotel

And we'd make love

No thank you

I will present a mighty penis

For your vagina

It will not be mine it will be Mr. Snozzwell's

Yes ma'am

King bang

It's quite tumescent

Your ear delicious

I need to be transferred to a guest room post haste

I need to be transferred to a guest room please

Nobody

Nobody in the room cause you're a piece of shit

Faggot

Which hotel is this

I don't know just some faggot

Hotel asshole

The palm trees

Fucking piece of shit in

Yeah.

You can tell what he does with his palm.

Yeah.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I get it.

He masturbates.

Ba-dum-tsh.

Yeah.

Uh, I'll keep him on, too.

Drinks it.

I think he just clicked.

North Indian flavor.

Mmm.

Yum.

Ah.

Hey, that's the second guy that's done that.

What an asshole.

Motherfucker.

Call him back.

Oh, it's busy.

Okay, anyway, look.

Yeah, he's still playing that noise.

Yeah.

This will show him.

Okay, more Indian food.

We never get tired of these.

Right, Brad?

yeah they're my favorite hello yeah i'd like to make an order for a takeaway please

yeah what do you want yeah like yeah i want some uh chicken tikka motherfucker i mean masala i'm

sorry it just slipped out chicken tikka masala no sorry not chicken tikka masala today oh how

about uh chicken vindaloo no just be vindaloo otherwise chicken curry get some non-bread

Get some non-bread

Fuck yeah

You know what

Motherfucker

Yeah non-bread too

Five non-breads

Yeah you come

Come to in the shop

I'm until open

In the

Then I'll fuck you

Come open your asshole

And then I'll fuck you

I'm gonna show some

Three modern sheds

I'm gonna show some non-bread

Up this motherfucker's ass

Alright

You hear me bitch motherfucker

Get mad

You just come to

In the shop

And pick up

What do you want

Get mad monkey bitch

Yeah

Get mad you monkey motherfucker

Sir

Sir, I've been drinking, and I'm going to come in there, and I'm going to piss on your counter.

Fucking guy.

I'm going to piss in your mouth.

I'm going to piss all over your mother's grave.

Hello?

Yeah, Tandoori shit food?

Sorry?

Tandoori village?

Mm-hmm.

I'll have to make an order.

The dirty shit village?

Sorry?

I'll have to make a fucking order.

That's too much.

That's way too strong, guys.

I'm going to make an order, and hold the fucking hair, you hairy bitch.

I'm going to move for beef jerky, man.

Or, like, turkey jerky and shit.

yeah it's good stuff dirty n-word salmon jerky is really good tastes like salmon bacon jerky

bacon jerky is good oh that sounds good bacon jerky it is i'm gonna make some do you guys have

a oberto or oberto jerky where you are no i've never heard of it you you might have had that

brad do you get oberto jerky in oregon i don't know i don't really eat that stuff

it's probably just washington thing he's a vegetarian i saw some hot sauce i'm gonna

gonna order here in a couple days it's called grinder's death nectar it's supposed to be kind

of hot well you want to do that here's the last call tonight because i'm gonna pass out here pretty

soon spunky monkeys daycare yeah monkey's daycare yeah they'll be they'll be open we should we

should get him to watch dwight because he gets drunk and he fucking gets crazy hey he's funky

monkeys huh spunky monkeys yeah yeah you have lots of little kids running around like little

little motherfuckers over there?

I can't. I can't.

Guys, I'm leaving. That's it. I'm done.

I'm done. Bye.

We can call it like three more times, though.

It's the same number, so it's still the last one.

You do whatever you want just to piss me off.

To keep me on.

Motherfucker.

Do it intentionally. No. Bye, Brad.

Bye. Bye.

Bye, Brad. See ya.

Prank call nation for life.

Prank call nation, yeah.

That's a fucking piece of shit.

Look, guys, thanks for hanging in there with me.

I got to go recharge some sleep so I can get up at 6.45 in the morning.

Right now, it's 1.18.

So I got about, by the time I fall asleep, about five hours of sleep.

And I'm already, was already sleep deprived.

So, hey, thank you all for tuning in tonight.

It's been a great show.

We had some fun.

Hopefully, next week, I'll be able to make it longer.

Okay, I really got to go.

See you guys.

I'll be back Monday.

Maybe I'm going to do another daytime show Monday, okay?

OK, those will be moving to Tuesday on a permanent basis pretty soon.

Enjoy that. See you later.

Calls (37, 1 h 53 min of 3 h)

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