Bookstore Gloryhole Madness

No, I'm sorry.

Your language is not appropriate, so I'm going to end this conversation.

It's okay.

Labia.

No, it's...

You're listening to Madhouse Live on the largest prank call station in the nation.

Prank call nation.

All right, I'm here.

Thank you.

Thank you, everybody.

Okay, music stop.

Oops, I thought that was a volume slider.

It was not.

Try that again.

All right, let's try this.

I'm good at this.

I've been doing this for nine years almost.

i can do this uh i'm carlito baz is here yeah we're doing some pranky calls yeah on a monday

anything going on in the world of baz we should know about oh just chilling out i gotta leave in

about an hour and 45 minutes sounds about perfect for me too okay yeah my wife uh she threw her

back uh inflamed sciatica so i drove her in have to pick her up really yeah yeah yeah look up dr

sarno dr who sarno look up google dr sarno and see dr sarno sciatica do that and get back to me

i swear to god do it and tell me what you think i'm just curious what you think about it oh man

i got that brita filter now man you know and i could oh yeah i could put any shit water in there

and it comes out perfect and i use the toilet water man straight up because there's nothing

wrong with the toilet water because why not it's got a lot of good minerals in it from your urine

and shit you know and all the good stuff yeah from your feces it's got probiotics in it yeah

yeah you know you shit out all that good bacteria you're just putting it back in

yeah there's nothing wrong with that it's pure it's clean it's just got it just keeps the good

stuff in there yeah i mean and if you have already got hepatitis doesn't matter you're

You're not going to infect yourself again.

Excuse me, Baz.

I'm sorry.

You had to hear that.

I had to clear my nose.

The listeners did not.

All right.

I am on YouTube.

I wanted to address real quick.

No one has mentioned it to me.

It's not like it's, I'm guessing it's not that big of a deal to people.

But I know it is happening.

Is the shoutcast is really jumpy after about an hour of me starting to broadcast on it each time.

It's happening when we're not live.

if you guys can let me know if you're listening on shoutcast if one of you can at least listen

on shoutcast who's in the chat room and let me know if it starts getting real jumpy like an hour

in i'm trying to determine if it's a server problem on the hosting side or if it's a problem

with my server here i do know that um my onboard nick network card went out after a power surge

and i'm using a external usb network uh plug right now um and i'm thinking it might be the

source of the problem i think it's just shaky i'm hoping that's what it is um but there was

another power surge and the network uh the nick the onboard network uh interface came up again

it's showing up in device manager now i just noticed so i just have to re-enable that connection

and try to use it i just i'm lazy and i haven't reached around the back of the server yet i have

a broken ankle still i'm still on a boot and it's a pain in the ass to get behind my desk and stuff

right now so i'd probably have to wait for my wife to help me with that and she gets home and

she's all no i didn't even know this bass wasn't here what happened bass i didn't even notice you

weren't there oh you know sometimes i disconnect and reconnect but i forgot this isn't a conference

because it's just you and me yeah so there's no join call button oh okay my bad sorry about that

it sounds better though yeah good uh rb says that bad fish can listen on shoutcast that's funny

inside chat room joke okay hey uh i'm looking at a city in california and here's a shell station

let's give them a call open things up for the afternoon cali nice san jose san jose oh so

So that's over Bay Area, kind of just south of the Bay Area, I guess.

Yep, I lived there once.

What took so long? Why rang so much?

Hello?

Yeah, why did it have to ring so much, the phone? Why did it take so long?

Oh, well, what you say? I don't understand what you say.

Why did it take so long for you to pick up?

What drive?

Hello?

Yeah, what happened? Why you wait so long to pick up the phone?

No, no, I pick up the phone, but I can't help you.

Motherfucker.

Hello?

Bhenchod?

Hello?

Are you Indian?

No, no.

What I can do.

Bhenchod?

Maruchud?

No, he's not Indian.

I don't know what he is.

Marcon?

No.

He might have been Mexican, right?

Yeah.

Sounded like it.

Yeah.

All right.

Here's Chipotle instead.

One of my favorite places to eat.

Get a nice burrito bowl, right?

Yeah.

You have Chipotle over there, right?

They're everywhere now, man.

Oh, yeah.

Yep.

They're like McDonald's of Chipotle.

Of Mexican food.

They're like the McDonald's.

They donate.

They donate their used meat to the homeless shelter.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're a pretty good company.

Thank you for going to the Alameda, Tiziana.

How may I help you?

You guys are the McDonald's of the fast, casual restaurant industry, I hear.

You guys are the McDonald's of the fast, casual restaurant industry.

That's what I am reporting here.

What's your position on that?

From the Alameda?

Yeah.

Intersection with Morrison Avenue?

Yeah.

That's your position?

Okay.

Yes.

Oh, you took that very literally, you stupid asshole.

Listen, so the road is called the Alameda, that's it?

That's stupid.

The Alameda what?

Intersect Maricon.

Alameda what?

What do you mean Alameda?

Alameda Road?

That's it, yes.

Alameda Street is the name of it.

She said it intersects, she said it intersected with Maricon.

Is that correct?

Maricon?

Yeah.

M-O?

Maricon.

Oh, I thought you said Maricon.

I thought you said Maricon.

Sorry.

You know what Maricon is?

Do you know where Maricon is, though?

Can you tell me from Maricon how to get there?

To Maricon from where you are?

Okay.

I need a Maricon.

I need a gay.

I'm new in town.

Yeah.

I was going to ask her.

I think I might be Maricon, but I'm not sure.

How can I tell?

Thank you for asking.

How may I help you?

Yeah, how far away are you from the Maricons?

Maricons?

Do you know where this is?

Yeah.

All right.

But that's pretty far away from Maricons, right?

Oh, shit, motherfucker.

motherfucker fuck that right damn it damn it hey didn't i figure out once is it wendy's that has

like an anomaly in their menu where if you order a certain burger and you add cheese is cheaper

than getting the same exact thing off the menu yeah i think so yeah what was that shit forget

now forget but there's like a website that has like um secret menu options so you gotta order

order things yeah there's some crazy shit off the menu and some there's some shit i'd be afraid to

order though like that they'd be like oh fuck this i'm trying to remember what it is there's

a few of those like some of the mcdonald's ones it's like i don't know it's funny it's like we

go to the mcdonald's and my uh son never wants the sauce for the nuggets so it always says on

the menu you know the reader board to no sauce okay to no sauce because they give you two so

So, you know, if you got honey mustard, it'll say two honey mustard sauce.

Yeah.

So, two no sauces.

I guess they're like, one no sauce, but what about the other one?

I just wanted to go up and say, yeah, I'd like 25 no sauces.

You know, that's probably what they call it internally.

You know what I mean?

They all have their internal speak.

Like, I know Chili's, like, they call their spinach dip is spin dip.

And I will call it that all the time.

And they'd be like, well, how'd you know that?

How'd you know that?

Yeah, how'd you know that?

you wouldn't be like fucking asshole ordered a spin dip shit like that you know how women are

man yeah yeah every day at work some other woman's trying to destroy their life my wife still does

that and she's the fucking boss it's like fuck man not only she's the boss she's the daughter

she's the daughter of the owner and she's still fucking oh okay still coming home with that

fucking shit oh god look here's macaroni grill i'm gonna ask him about the uh policy we got snow

on the forecast tomorrow 80 chance of fucking two inches of snow two to four inches motherfucker

calling armand's macaroni grill this is shara can you help you please yeah look honey um i wanted

to ask before i place my order you guys have the policy where if you see a customer taking silverware

or plates in their to-go boxes at the end of the meal that you don't interfere, right?

Sorry, can you kindly say that again, sir?

You have the policy corporately that you don't interfere if you see a customer

at the end of their meal trying to take home the silverware and the plateware, correct?

We haven't.

You're not supposed to confront the customer.

I know.

I know the rule.

I used to work for Macaroni Grill.

Okay.

Right?

I'm just asking.

No, we don't.

Yeah, you do.

What are you laughing about? I'm just asking you a question.

What's so funny?

No, we're not.

You have that?

We can't say it.

Yeah, but you do.

I can approach the guest. I can actually approach the guest, and I can give him a to-go silverware.

Yeah, but you're not supposed to acknowledge or try to stop the customer taking the silverware, right?

Well, we can't really tell the person.

I can probably in a nice way.

I can, like, approach them and say, like, we'd like to go silverware.

But listen, then I just say, no, I want to take this home.

Oh, well, we can't, like, force anybody.

You know, we don't want any concerns or problems with it, yeah.

Okay.

So, look, I'm going to make it to go order, but I do need three sets of the nice, the heavy silverware, like the heavy knives and forks that you have.

Okay, we have.

And then I need the thing that grinds the cheese.

I need one of those with a block of cheese also, of the Parmesan, you know,

and the Italian butter shaker, the grinder for the Italian butter.

I need one of those filled up also.

Can I have your name, please?

I used to be a developer.

Can I have your name, sir, please?

It's Eddie.

Okay.

Okay, switch you with one of my to-go person.

What can I get for you for today, sir?

Well, is it going to be you or is it a to-go person I have to talk to?

I don't understand.

No, I can pay your order, sir.

Is this Brandon?

No, no.

Okay.

No, okay.

I thought you were my boss.

No, I just need to order the calamari.

Calamari?

Yeah.

Okay.

And a lobster ravioli.

Lobster ravioli.

Okay.

Can we get you a super salad to go with your lobster ravioli, sir?

No, just the lobster rave and the calamari.

Can I get the name and the phone number for you, sir?

And a side of pesto for the calamari, please.

You can charge me for it.

It's okay.

I don't care.

Okay.

A side of pesto, certainly.

Yeah.

Anything to drink with this order, sir?

Nope.

Okay.

Can we have a name and a phone number?

Okay, sir.

We'll have it ready for you as soon as possible.

Okay.

Thank you.

Bye.

We'll talk to you soon.

We'll see you.

You're welcome, Eddie.

Okay, bye-bye.

Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

But seriously, I need the three sets of the knives and forks.

You want...

um we have a to-go um no no no i need the metal ones the metal ones if not then forget it that's

what okay i'll make sure i'll talk to me and one of the okay one of the cheese grinders with a brick

of the parm okay and you're seriously about the uh you want the parmesan cheese on the side as

well right add on well i need i want the actual grinder i'm not joking i want the grinder i want

it look it's either this or i or i come in and i sit down i'm gonna take it anyway um but we

We don't, we, I'm so sorry, sir, but I couldn't give you the silence.

And I need the Italian butter shaker, the grinder.

Italian baker shaker?

I mean the pepper?

Yeah, the grinder that we use for the.

Oh, I can give you as much pepper as you'd like, but I'm sorry, but I can't, I can't give that out to you.

I will do my very best.

I'll take it.

I'll just take it from somebody.

Okay?

Okay, sir, I'll let you go.

I'll see you then.

Forget it.

No, cancel it.

Cancel it.

No, forget it, no.

No, because that's why I want all this stuff.

If you can't do it, then don't get it.

Don't bother making the food.

It's going to be a waste of food.

Well, my apologies for that, sir.

Don't fire him up.

All right, bye.

Bye.

She was having too much fun with it.

She's going, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee.

I took that from Opie and Anthony.

They do that all the time about women.

They're like, hee, hee, hee, hee.

That's hilarious.

Yeah, I think it was Anthony was going off on the wife,

staying home during the day while the husband's at work and she's texting the guy the guy she's

fucking behind his back he's at work he that's how it goes motherfucker not for you you're doing

it because you're the one not working yes yeah you're a stay-at-home dad yeah the kids are home

today so i can't shout oh i say damn it too loud not too loud yeah i thought you could open two

You probably don't know.

You might know.

I heard you could open two instances of Mixler

so I could have broadcasted on the old Mixler account,

the Madhouse one, and explained to everyone to move over.

No, I don't think he... I don't know him.

I thought Brad said he could.

I could have sworn Brad said he did.

Anyway, there's going to be a new Shoutcast server.

If you're listening on Shoutcast, there is a new Shoutcast server.

It's not up yet. It's not programmed yet.

uh but it's gonna have an auto dj instead of the uh my machine here doing it so this whole thing

about network card and what is causing the problem it's not gonna matter anyway anymore

um after this show here i'm going to be watching the the walking deads episode from this weekend

this past weekend and i'll be uploading all the uh prank call shows and pranks and stuff

uh promos and bumpers to that and get that started tonight yeah excited about that do you want me to

open up uh do you want me to open up the old madhouse mixler i can do that you can yeah yeah

because you can simulcast yeah and then yeah let me know when you do yeah yeah explain to those

go to uh mixler.com prank call nation as the title yeah yeah there you go or just prank call

nation.com that's probably best yep yeah yep new new mixler at prank call nation.com

there you go maybe that'll do it yep so um that was macaroni grill and we were talking the lingo

she thought it was hilarious that i was asking for that she didn't want to admit to it fully

i know all right mexican grill and cantina now there's the best buy i'm gonna complain about the

the receipt policy my mom always got offended when like walmart or best buy would ask her for

receipt when she'd leave she was always convinced it was racism like mom it's just lost prevention

okay they do it to everybody you see that old white guy leaving that's 80 years old they're

doing it to him i don't care everybody i don't care it's the same thing i don't know what what

do they do it when they do it at walmart it's been a while since they've even done it to me

at walmart it seems but um how do they what are they doing are they counting bags is that what

what they're doing like yeah well they i don't know how they do it at walmart because uh i haven't

actually had to do that at walmart but sam's club they have the number of items um printed on the

receipt and they just count the items well it's a little easier at sam's because there's no bags

you know yeah unless you're bringing your own which i always fucking forget and i get so pissed

off gotta use those fucking half boxes that they leave out for you like an asshole oh yeah here go

Go through this bin of dirty fucking cut-up boxes, motherfucker.

Get a paper cut.

Get AIDS.

It's irresponsible.

Best Buy.

This is Best Buy?

Hello, thank you for calling Best Buy, Rosie.

Bah.

Bah, listen.

I have a problem with the security motherfucker in the front.

He's like, oh, fuck that.

Oh, fuck that.

Here, let me talk to her.

All right, I'm sorry.

Tell her.

No, no.

Tell her that.

Thank you for calling Best Buy.

Hey, how's it going?

This is David.

I'm calling from in the store.

I got a question before I leave.

Yeah, so I snuck behind one of the counters, and I'm using the phone, like in the electronics.

And so when I pay for my stuff, they'll give me a receipt.

Do I have to show the receipt on the way out?

Yes.

I do. Okay.

So there might be a little bit of a problem.

I'm not sure if the number of items that I'm going to have in the shopping cart are going to match the number on the receipt.

So do you have any advice for me?

Wait, I'm sorry?

Yeah, because I'm going to be hiding a few items, and I want to find out.

She's just straight up hanging out on you.

What a bitch.

She's probably going to electronics right now.

Send security to electronics.

All right.

I'm not going to call out any more.

She seems to be the only one answering the phone, and she's a bitch.

Yeah.

Here's a Cisco.

That's the company that provides restaurants with shit, right?

Or no, this is the C-I-S-C-O.

Is it S-Y-S?

Oh, it's the actual networking company.

They have a store.

C-I-S.

yeah it's the actual uh cisco cisco systems well never mind we're not going to call them they're

serious hey i'm getting a little bit of an echo coming through you sometimes you can fix that

yeah maybe we can get them to agree to like let us out the back door we'll give them half of what

we take there's a best buy mobile best buy best buy okay this one's on the alameda expressway

do you know where they keep the nuclear vessels they have nuclear missiles in alameda

Thank you for calling Best Buy.

How may I help you?

Hello?

Hey, how's it going?

This is David.

Hey, hey.

It's Nazwell.

Hey, I've got a bit of a problem here.

I'm calling you from one of the store phones.

There's nobody in the sporting goods section, so I just kind of hop back there and I'm calling.

So when I exit the store after I complete my purchase, do I have to show my receipt to security or something like that?

Yeah, I do.

Okay, so there might be a little bit of a problem with that.

I'm planning on taking out a few more items than will actually be on the receipt.

Can you give me any tips on how to get past the security without him noticing?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, you know, there's a lot of cool shit here,

and I'm on a fixed income, and, you know, I'll come back and I'll pay for it later,

but, you know, I don't want to get in trouble.

You're going to do that.

Well, how about, can you let me out the back door, man, and I'll give you half of what's in my shopping cart?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

We can go out to your car, and you can put it in your trunk, and I won't say anything, and you won't say anything.

No, no, no, I cannot do that.

We'll be very happy.

Suck your dick.

You can bring something, you know, a little something for your wife, you know?

No, no, no, thank you.

Suck your dick.

Yeah, yeah, we'll suck your dick in the back room, man.

No, thanks.

Suck it in your van.

It'll be good.

We have a van.

We'll suck your dick in the van.

Yeah, we've got a candy van.

It says free candy on it.

Yeah.

No, I'm not interested in that.

So is there anything else I can help you with?

Listen, you pick one of us to suck your dick,

and the other one to pinch your nipples at the same time,

whichever one you want.

Yeah, I'm not interested.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

I'll do it real soft.

Or hard, however you want.

It's good.

Yeah.

It's good.

You don't have to tell your wife.

because it's not technically gay hello that was weird hey how you doing buddy hey hello

talk to uh talk to eddie he's got a question for you yeah hey hey are you in the store

or are you in the national machine we're the physical store oh yeah okay the one in alameda

expressway alameda expressway yeah uh yeah yeah why not yeah how can i be hey look man um what

What do you mean, yeah?

Why are you being dismissive?

What's that?

I'm sorry?

Why are you being dismissive?

What do you mean?

Dismissive, yeah, yeah.

That's the story.

Yeah, how can I help you?

Okay, fine.

Just don't be rough with me.

You're nasty.

Look, so you guys count loss prevention.

They count all the items on the ticket, right?

When you leave.

On the what, I'm sorry?

You guys count all the items on the ticket on my receipt before I leave?

That would, I would assume they would.

Yeah, well, my friend already called once.

some of the stuff that's in our um bag that we have is not going to be in the cart at that point

and it's not you know there's going to be some stuff that's not going to be on the ticket

basically on the receipt okay you know like it's it's going to be in the cart in the buggy when we

leave but you're not going to be able to see it on the receipt and it might set the door sensor off

So you need to turn it off really quick

I don't know

It's a really big box

I just want you guys to know ahead of time

So you're not alarmed

Don't be alarmed

We're not stealing anything

You're letting me know how you're going to come steal something

And turn off the alarm

That's where you're practically letting me know

If it does go off on accident

In case the cashier forgets to deactivate it

I want you guys to turn it off real quick

Because that's going to happen probably

Why would it happen, though?

I mean, it's...

Because they make mistakes all the time, though.

Cashier makes, you know, she's stupid.

They're pretty much all stupid, you know?

Okay, tell me, I don't know what you want me to do, sir.

Well, are you going to be the loss prevention guy or is someone else going to be?

No, yeah, my loss prevention people are unavailable right now.

I won't let them know, though.

All right, I'll let you guys keep...

Everyone can keep one of the things in the cart.

What do you guys want?

What do you want?

You want some DVDs?

We'll buy them.

We'll buy some DVDs for you guys.

For the guys.

Couple DVDs for everybody

We'll buy them on me

Is that all I can help you with today?

Those will be on the receipt

There's going to be 20 DVDs on the receipt

And then there's going to be 20 DVDs

On the cart

But there's also going to be one really big box

What's going to be inside the box?

I don't know

Something special for a special somebody

We'll throw in a couple

Thumb dives for each one of you too

Yeah we'll buy 20

You want, like, the 10 gig or 16 gig?

I swear.

I don't know who you guys are calling from, but you guys are making my day, man.

And we'll bring you some cookies, too.

You know, we baked some cookies.

Hey, man, I'm working.

I mean, I know you guys are playing around, but I'm sorry.

Hey, I know, I know.

We'll suck your dick.

We'll bring you some cerveza.

Cerveza?

We'll suck your dick.

Oh, my God.

Hey, man, I got to go, but, I mean, I hope you guys are having a good day.

I'm going to leave a case of beer out in the back, and that's for you.

Oh, we'll suck your dick, man.

On the back door?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Man, I gotta go, man.

You guys are just messing around too much.

See you later, man.

That's it.

All right, thank you.

Have a great day.

Calling all the way from San Diego, man.

That's a cool call.

Yeah, we were going to suck your dick, man.

Oh, man, that's a little too much there.

You guys have a great day now, all right?

All right, bye.

All right.

Yeah, he's lost.

Yeah, a case of cold ones out in the back there for him.

Oh, forget it.

We'd suck his dick.

Yeah, that's true.

Man, you know, it's been raining like hell here in Washington.

Yeah.

And I don't know if you heard about that huge landslide we had just north of Seattle.

I heard 100 people.

Like a mile.

No, it was eight people dead, maybe another 16 missing.

Good.

But yeah, it's wicked.

Yeah, it fucking blocked the river.

Wow.

Blocked? Like straight up just blocked it?

Yeah, dammed the north fork of the Siliglamish River.

And so they had like downstream of it, like the river just dried up like immediately.

And so a huge lake was backing up behind it.

so they're afraid there'd be a huge flash flood and but it's a big mess then there's a town that's

blocked off they don't know how long it'll be blocked off for the whole town itself is it

isolated or like yeah yeah it's there's only it's the only highway into the town of darrington

and there's another road going the other way that goes up through the mountains but it's

closed for the winter due to the snow so yeah it's pretty bad shit i'll say uh i got another

another best buy i guess we'll just stick to best yeah we had a good time last night on that

conference you weren't around you didn't join yeah i know i couldn't i wish i could have heard

it was crazy hey yeah who am i talking to my name is madonna hey big banana how's it going today

good yeah hey my name is david and um i was wondering i'm gonna be just kind of hanging

out in the restroom for a couple hours so i just want if you get any like weird complaints i just

I just don't want you guys to be alarmed.

I'm going to take a little nap back there.

I'm going to set up my sleeping bag,

a little mattress,

and I'm going to be drinking some beers in there.

And I've got my portable DVD player,

so I'm going to grab some DVDs from the movie section,

you know, if you don't mind.

And I'm just going to hang out for a while.

That's fine.

We'll call security.

Thank you.

Bye.

No, no.

I left some beer out back for you guys

so that you can just kind of look the other way.

She doesn't give a shit.

Thank you for calling

For pricing and availability

Thank you for calling

Shut up

Hi I'm putting Baz on here

To let you guys know something

Hey this is Baz

My name is Baz

Your name is Baz

Your name is Baz too

Yes

Anyway my associate and I

Will be doing some

Quote unquote shopping

No, here's an Egyptian museum, quote-unquote shopping.

Here's an Egyptian museum right by this Best Buy.

Egyptian museum.

Yeah, and that's got to have any items from Tarbash.

Could fill up some balloons with poisonous, dangerous gases, float them over the crowd.

I love Tarbash.

Thank you for calling the Rosicrucian Egyptian Museum and Planetarium.

We are sorry we missed your call.

Please leave your name, telephone number, and a message at the tone.

I loved Johnny Brennan's characters, but I also really loved Kamal's Tar Bash.

He did Kissel, too, didn't he?

Yeah.

He did Kissel, Tar Bash.

I guess he doesn't do pranks anymore.

Yeah, it's a weird situation.

Thank you for calling the Rosicrucian Egyptian Museum and Planetarium.

We're closed.

Dashie has Twitter.

Yeah, send in Twitters, Dashie.

Thank you, Dashie.

Big Dashie.

Dashie's been a good source of numbers over the last month.

I tell you.

Thank you, Dashie.

All right, I'm going to call a Best Buy mobile, ask about TV.

If you are calling about products such as cell phones, tablets,

and other connected mobile devices, press 1.

For all other products, press 2.

Your call is being directed to Best Buy mobile.

This is Jessica.

How can I help you?

Yeah, I need a TV.

Do you have the Samsung TV 48?

We are actually Best Buy mobile.

Yeah, Best Buy.

This is Best Buy Mobile.

We don't sell TVs.

So what do you expect me to believe?

That Best Buy doesn't sell TVs now, motherfucker?

Excuse me?

I said motherfucker.

Did you hear that part?

Did you hear the fucker part?

The fuck part of that?

That's stupid.

That's a fucking 10-year-old prank call.

Like a 10-year-old would do that.

You get TV with Best Buy Mobile.

Oldest joke in the book.

Why is Nunu posting a picture of a weird-looking woman?

woman ugly looking woman who's a little bit fat i don't understand oh okay he sent that number for

that person yeah so let me let me look at it let me click on the tab i don't know if he sent it to

you order curry from stoke on tent what no yeah department of feminist studies professor there

yeah called mirielle is in trouble with the police for being a cunt and stealing an anti-abortion

and assaulting the kids who were carrying it.

Okay.

All right.

Why not?

Maybe you can be a thief who steals iPhones off kids

and ask her if she and her students can help.

So kids who are carrying anti-abortion signs?

So pro-life signs.

Yeah, and she was assaulting them.

She hasn't lost her job yet or even been suspended.

Be a thief who steals iPhones off kids.

Ask if her and her students can help.

Okay, whatever.

Thank you for calling the Department of Feminist Studies.

Please leave your name, phone number, and a brief message.

If you are an enrolled student, please leave your perm number.

Someone will get in touch.

You are being transferred to the attendant.

Please enter your ID, then press pound.

Press start to cancel and start over.

Not so much for that.

I'll try again.

Looks like they're not taking calls right now.

Thank you for calling the department.

Yep.

Please leave your name, phone number, and a brief message.

Oh, well, Noonoo, sorry.

Sorry, sunshine.

We tried.

You're a sporting feat of San Jose.

Or no, there's the Mexican Heritage Plaza.

Let me see if they have a phone number.

Yes, they do.

Okay.

Mexican Heritage Plaza.

I'm going to build a human zoo.

Good afternoon, School of Arts and Culture.

This is Arturo.

Yeah, I'm building a human zoo.

I wanted to know if you guys could help out with the Mexico Pavilion part of it.

I'm sorry, you're...

Say that again?

I'm creating a human zoo in San Jose.

Okay.

Okay, I'm sorry, in San Diego, we're recruiting in San Jose, we want to make a Mexican exhibit with humans, a human zoo.

So we're going to put a typical Mexican village, we're going to create one, you know, and have Mexican-looking people living their lives, and people just watch it and see how they live.

okay uh yeah i'm sorry i i don't know we're at school so i don't know that we could participate

in this project what kind of school are you arts and culture right that is correct yeah we just

like some mexican actors you know to play the part of like a regular mexican uh indigenous

mexican person you know they can be just you know like cleaning something you know or riding a

a motorcycle a little bit

or trying to fix

a motorcycle,

you know,

or growing drugs

and things like that.

Okay.

I can transfer you

to our director

of education.

Are they going to pick up

or is it going to be

a voicemail motherfucker?

It probably will be

a voicemail

because she's not

in the office at the moment.

No, then that's not

transferring me,

asshole.

It's not.

I was going to say,

we want some Mexicans

wearing sombreros

and taking a siesta.

Growing drugs.

Drugs.

Jose wants me to give a shout-out to everyone from him.

He's at work.

Hey, Jose.

What does he do?

Does he work in an auto, like a brake factory?

Thank you for calling the School of Arson Culture at the Mexican here.

You reached a voicemail for Arturo Magana,

a facility rentals manager.

Please leave a message.

Arturo.

A valid attendant member has not been specified.

There was an Arturo in Puerto Rico when I was a kid,

and we used to yell Arturo at him,

which means like a asshole.

but not like an asshole like a mother like a jerk off it was more like asshole like the actual

part of the body the anus yeah the anus we're basically calling him an anus it was a plan

yeah he got mad he went to go get a machete to teach us a lesson he was i don't know he

probably wasn't going to swing it at us but he was just going to scare us i guess

and they had yeah yeah it was at a funeral it was at a wake in a house yeah keep saying

yeah i only heard about that later because like my mom just came to me remember afterwards she's

like you know you can't make fun of people here like you do in florida okay i don't know you

think it's funny and then later on i found out it was because they had to try to stop him because

he was looking for a machete to scare us with it's probably a lot of people that keep machetes

handy in puerto rico though right yeah it's right back then especially it's losing prevalence now

but back then especially you always had well in my part of puerto rico yeah the agricultural

mountainous area machete is like survival tool man yeah can i help you yeah sporting feet huh

yes okay you have shoes is that what it is what kind of shoes you're looking for sexy shoes sexy

shoes yeah we have two you have you have some yeah i like feet more i like feet yeah i lube up i give

give a foot massage i lube up the whole foot with warming gel warming ky jelly and then we put the

feet together i make a foot pussy and i fuck it the foot pussy all you need is two feet preferably

clean and a bunch of lube yeah yeah anybody can make a foot pussy i can answer now mother fuck

oh by the way i got a voicemail and i think it's from this lance corporal that we're pranking last

last night you didn't hear it it was on the air though because i started broadcasting the

conference at some point and uh there was a lance corporal at some base that i talked to in guam

no it was in the states um so ken has changed the voicemail for like some hookers here and there i

guess and one of the i hit a button i don't know where that came from i hit a button on the weird

button on my keyboard and i heard that oh it's windows media center holy shit i've never opened

put a Windows Media Center on his PC before.

That's funny.

Anyway, Ken changed the voicemail for a hooker,

and we got access to it again last night.

And I guess an ad had been placed with that phone number

for a puppy being given away.

And some guy called and said to call him back

at this number, et cetera, et cetera.

And it ended up being a military base.

And the guy wasn't there,

but some Lance Corporal was there answering the phone.

I guess he was at a security guard post, yeah.

And I messed with him for a little bit

But I think he called back

And left a message like

I'm tracking you down

I know where you're at

Sleep tight

Was that a Lance Corporal you said?

Yeah, Lance Corporal

That's pretty low rank

Yeah, I know it is

Because I told him I was a sergeant

And I was going to pull rank on him

Or something to that effect

You know, I don't see the number now

Forget it

Maybe this is it

Hang on

It's messages for Eddie

He's a new first look at Ponder, so he wants to get closer to getting you, buddy.

And I know you're in Wellington.

I want to get you out soon.

Yeah, that's all I got.

I think that was him.

But he said, yeah, rank was out of the question.

That's what he said.

Fat Greg.

Yeah.

Rank is out of the question at this point.

He's being a little uppity.

Yeah, he was pissed.

What the hell?

I'll be right back.

I've got to go check a message real quick.

I'll be right back.

Two minutes.

No problem.

Yeah, I told them I was Sergeant Cross, if I remember correctly.

Sergeant Cross.

Don't mind me.

I'm looking for numbers to call.

There's not much in this area of the map that I'm looking at.

Oh, here's a shopping center.

Let me zoom in further.

There's got to be stores there.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck yeah.

All right.

Let's call the Barnes & Noble.

Let them know about they have the best glory hole on gloryholes.com.

Hey, I'm calling them by glory holes.

Nice.

Thank you for calling Barnes & Noble Booksellers at East Ridge Ball.

All new Nook HD tablet now comes with Google Play.

Enjoy hours of Barnes & Noble Eastern with Nook HD.

This is Dora.

How can I help you?

Hey, man.

What's up, man?

Hi.

How can I help you?

Can you send someone to the bathroom?

Let me know how the action is today, right now.

Here, hold on.

Okay.

This is pretty helpful.

Do you want some action noises?

Not yet, not yet.

Oh, she hung up.

She just hung up.

What the fuck?

What did B-I-T-C-H go?

What a bitch, bitch, bitch.

We're calling Barnes & Noble.

Yeah, what the heck, man?

Hey, listen, can you go to the bathroom and check something for me real quick?

What do you mean you can't do that?

I left something there. Please help me.

I think I did.

Why can't you go in there?

Really?

Okay.

No, I'm just trying to find out how the action is in the bathroom right now.

I'm in the parking lot.

We can't go into the bathroom if we're in the middle of working.

Yeah, I know, but you know how there's a lot of action in the men's bathroom here?

Yeah, dude, actually, I'm not for a lot of customers, so I have to put you on hold really fast.

Okay.

Action in the bathroom.

You're not allowed to use the bathroom on the clock, damn, man.

Yeah, I mean, what if you have to go real bad?

What if you're a woman and you get in your monthly?

Oh, my God.

Hi, have you been helped?

I'm waiting.

How can I help you?

I was talking to a guy.

Put him back on.

He's busy right now.

How can I help you?

You can put me on hold then until he's not busy.

He is at a cash register.

How can I help you, sir?

You can put me on hold until he's not busy, I said, motherfucker.

How can I help you?

You can't.

It's impossible, ma'am.

She's going to get really heated if you talk to her one more time.

She's already sounded pretty testy.

Hello, this is Carl.

How can I help you?

Yeah, listen.

Can you please go to the bathroom and check for me?

Check what?

Check how the action is.

What action?

You know, the guy action.

It's a very popular

Restaurant for like

Gay sex

Cruising

Yeah

I don't understand

Is it cruising

Let me talk to her

Yeah hey

This is David

Snozzwell

I'm in the bathroom

Right now

I was wondering

If you could direct

Any calls to me

I'll take all my calls

In the bathroom

I'm in here

For some action

Right now

I'm getting a lot

Of action

Come in and join me

On your break

No thanks

Thanks. You have a good day.

But anyway, if anybody calls for me,

just direct the calls to the bathroom.

He's gone. At least he got a laugh out of that

at the end there. That's cool.

Yeah, bookstores are very popular gay spots, man.

That's what I hear.

I read about this at the...

When I was at UCF,

there was a

undercover sting, I guess,

on some of the library

campuses. Libraries on

campus. There's two.

But the one major one, there was a sting

there because there were like old men coming to hook up and shit like they would just sit there

and like they were camped out for hours it was in the school newspaper i was like you gotta be

fucking kidding me that in that building it's like ancient and it's got like it's like good

eight stories high and there's like four bathrooms on each one they were saying so like they it was

hard to pin down where the action was happening it was really funny i think maybe the advice.com

i'm gonna do a expose on that that'd be something but then it said yeah that there was a whole

culture around it and that bookstores and libraries were really popular spots as were

truck stops and stuff like that i was like wow yeah that's kind of cool it was kind of it was

a cool read yeah we had a it must have been a student's like project as far as some class

you know probably yeah anyway go ahead i'm sure no we had a um a park with a picnic area in the

the restroom was a notorious action hangout my buddies and i used to have to walk to school right

by that park and when one day we're walking into school there's some dude in the woods that had his

pants down to his his ankles just whipping it oh my god and uh next day we brought our we just

started yelling at him he ran off into the woods the next day we brought her our slingshots uh-huh

he was there again doing it again so we fucking let him have it right in the ass

It's a slingshot

That'll teach you

It's kind of bad

The gay's gotta learn

Thank you for calling Barnes & Noble Stevens Creek

Our regular store hours are 9am

Seems like a pretentious bitch

This will take some time

Calling Barnes & Noble Stevens Creek

Randy speaking

How may I help you?

Yeah, can you check the bathroom?

See how the action is, please?

Check the bathrooms?

Yeah, I need to know how the action is today

What action are you talking about?

Well, is the 2 o'clock crowd around yet?

In the bathroom?

You know what I mean

I don't know

It's a really big cruising spot here in town

The men's bathroom

The men's bathroom?

I wouldn't know anything about that

It is, it is

Between me and you

I know you guys know that guys hook up there a lot

Right?

Well they do

You do and most of you guys

Just turn a blind eye

Tell him that you were there yesterday and it was pretty slow

So he wanted to call ahead

Thank you for calling Bon

on our regular

store hours

on 9am

Barnes and Noble

Christine speaking

how can I help you

yeah I'd like to

place an order please

sure let me get

to a computer

I'll be right with you

ok

what's the book

you're looking for

uh well it's

Maxim Magazine

yeah

do you have a

specific edition

the newest one

I guess is fine

ok so we get

um let me go check

and we get hold of

for one day

well actually yeah

you just need to

bring it

I'm in the bathroom

now if you can

bring it into

number 2 stall

cause I'm here

I'm cruising

you know for gay sex

this is a popular hangout for that and like it's really slow right now i think like around

like around two is when the crowd usually shows up so far it's just been guys pissing

really coming in peeing washing their hands and leaving i forgot the echo part of things

that's good good timing on the pissing too awesome i love that pissing yeah i also have

water dripping somewhere.

Okay. Water dripping words.

Did you ever get the bed springs?

Did you ever find them?

No, I haven't. I forgot about that until yesterday.

I was like, oh, I was going to try to find bed springs.

Yeah.

Deanne had

this loop that he made that he

would play when we were doing calls.

This bed spring squeaking

and then you hear him in the back room going

That's hilarious.

There you go.

I should get that from him.

All right.

Okay.

Here's a different bookstore.

We'll do the...

Again, we're doing the same premise.

Gay cruising at the bookstore.

That poor girl went to the computer and everything.

She's so let down.

I thought she was going to make a sale.

Hello.

I'm calling Barnes & Noble.

This is your remote speaking.

How may I help you?

Yeah.

Hey, how are you?

Good.

How are you?

I'm pretty bored.

It's pretty slow here today, huh?

Excuse me?

It's pretty slow today, huh?

It's a slow day.

No, it's pretty busy.

Oh?

Well, the bathroom isn't too busy.

I'm in the bathroom now.

I'd like to make an order, though.

Okay, can you hold, please?

Okay.

Thank you.

I'll keep that going.

I'll call another one.

You said you got another one, too?

Yeah, hold on.

Listen to this.

Want to get your mark to a book?

Go to NookApp.com and get the free Nook.

Do you hear that?

Yeah.

Mark, how are you?

How are you?

I'm going to take you to a class.

This is Craig.

How may I help you?

Yeah, hi.

I'd need you to make an order.

Do you want me to make an order?

Okay, what was the book you're looking for?

uh it's whatever the latest episode uh episode latest issue of maxim magazine okay oh you just

wanted me to have to put down hold for you well thank you for holding this is camille how can i

help you yeah hi can you guys bring that to the bathroom please um i'm sorry you were just

transferred to me to assist i'm not sure is someone already helping you i wanted to make an

in order hello you're too loud man yeah it might have been too loud oh well it's all right it

happens i have another pissing and shitting loop i can't find it another one okay the airport one

no it's one that i made from the have you heard of the totally accurate toilet simulator game

yeah oh yeah yeah yeah so i just captured some of that it's not the ones that actually the ones

that you gave me are better so okay gotcha all right here's barnes and noble i'm gonna ask them

what their uh dividers in the bathroom stalls are made of for what purpose for drilling holes or

yeah i'm gonna figure it out what i'm gonna bring in by the way jose is saying it's against the law

to deny deny bathroom breaks to employees of course it is crazy

Crazy what that guy was talking about.

He was just saying that.

Yeah, hey, the bathroom stall is there.

What are they made of? The

dividers. Are they plastic or wood?

Or metal? The dividers in the

bathroom stall? Yeah, because I need to

cut into it. I'm just wondering

if any of the... Oh, okay. Hold on a second.

Let me check. Alright. He wasn't even

phased by you telling him you want to cut

into it. Maybe they have a maintenance

instant or something yeah i was just listening to that old call you did a while ago where you

were telling some lady some girl at a fast food restaurant that you're coming in to lay some pipe

you know that one yeah yeah yeah she was so dumb we don't have any problems with her pipes she

sounded so cute when she said it too yeah kiss her um are you waiting for the dividers yeah i am

are you still i'm in the bathroom sorry they feel like a laminate they're like a laminate yeah you

don't think i could uh yeah probably because i was going to use like a hot knife to cut through it

to make a hole uh-huh yeah why are we making a hole in the divider uh in the men's bathroom i

have to make a hole in the dividers the the ones um well because just you know guys we're gonna

come through and if we see each other we can look at each other through the divider and and

and i want to stick my dick through it you know to get my dick sucked like a glory hole you know

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

I know girls can't do that, but we do.

Exactly, but I'm...

But she can be on the other side of the hall.

Yeah.

No, I'm sorry.

Your language is not appropriate, so I'm going to end this conversation.

It's okay.

Labia.

No, it's...

She went in the bathroom to find out.

What the fuck?

They must be having some kind of redecorating going on where they thought it was normal to do that.

She was in it, too.

You could hear the echo.

go she sounded like yeah i could hear it it totally sounded like your sound effect yeah

oh shit that was funny oh man hang on let me let me do something here real quick play a song give

me a second i'll be right back i'll take care of something with the cat back seating down i can't

believe she actually went to the fucking door said oh i'm not sick of it you're talking

I'm talking inappropriately.

I just say, Lurby. Lurby. Lurby.

And why are we drilling holes in the divider?

It's funny you ask.

She's like, oh, yeah.

She knows about those glory holes.

You think drills have them?

Hey, Mike.

I'm calling Barnes and Noble.

Good afternoon, Barnes and Noble.

Tim is born. This is Cynthia.

How can I help you?

Hey, how's it going, Cynthia?

Just fine.

This is David.

Hi, that's good. That's good.

I'm glad to hear it.

But, hey, I was wondering, are there any, like, fast food restaurants or coffee shops right around your location?

McDonald's.

You name it, we've got it.

Oh, okay.

So I could possibly get, like, a cappuccino, like a double cappuccino.

Why are you calling Barnes & Noble to ask this?

Well, I'm in the bathroom right now.

I'm in stall number two.

Okay, why do I need to know this?

Well, because I was going to ask you to run across and get me a double cappuccino and bring it to me in the stall.

I'm calling back.

Thank you for calling Barnes & Noble, our home of...

She got me.

Yeah, Dashie, she does sound like a big girl.

Good afternoon, Barnes & Noble Tennis Board.

This is Cynthia. How can I help you?

Hey, Big Cynthia, I'm sorry.

I think we got off on the wrong foot.

I'll pay you, like, I'll buy you anything you want at McDonald's

because you sound like a big girl.

And if you just bring me the cappuccino...

You need to not call this store anymore.

Sir, why? I'm in your store.

Right now, I'm in the middle stall.

You can't talk to my employees like that.

Well, no.

What do you mean?

I didn't say anything wrong.

We're cruising.

Cappuccino.

We're in here cruising for sex.

We're waiting.

It's slow.

We need some coffee.

What do you mean?

I'm here right now.

Sorry, I just thought.

No, that's perfect.

It's just like a.

Oh, shit.

That was great.

You can't tell me he didn't understand that.

Yeah, he sounded like he's probably on his way in to join in the action.

He sounds like he is the number one patron.

That's how he ended up.

He picked up an application on his way out one day.

Like, oh, they're hiring.

They know me here.

References.

I hang out in the bathroom all the time.

Buy one coffee, sit in the bathroom for three hours.

Hey, how's it going, Big Maria?

Good.

How are you doing?

Oh, I'm doing great.

I'm a little bit sleepy.

I was wondering, are there any coffee shops or espresso stands around your location?

Well, we have a coffee shop in the Barnes & Noble bookstore.

Oh, perfect.

I was wondering, can I order a double cappuccino with cold soy?

Well, let me switch to them.

No, no, I was wondering, can you bring it in to me?

I'm in the bathroom in the middle stall.

What?

I'll tip you.

They're really offended at the thought of this

Our reactions have ranged from that

To the lady who actually went to check

Yeah, maybe we should call the coffee place

And ask them if they'll bring one in

Deliver one in

Good afternoon, thank you for calling Barnes & Noble

This is Janice, how may I help you?

Hey Big Janice

I'm in here with my special friend

Eddie

Eddie, he wants to talk to you.

Hey, how are you?

Hey, what's up?

Hey.

Yeah?

Yeah, I need to make an order.

Yes, what would you like?

Okay, are you at a computer now?

I need to make sure you have the title in.

Yep, what are you looking for?

Okay, it's the latest Maxim magazine.

It's a magazine?

Yeah, Maxim.

Yeah, well, actually, it's easier for me to just go look on the shelf.

Can I put you in and hold a minute?

Sure.

Hang on.

I don't know why they got so mad because we haven't said anything dirty.

We just asked them to bring a coffee into the bathroom.

Thanks for holding.

You're waiting for the latest Maxim?

Yeah.

Okay.

I've got the March edition here.

Okay, good.

I haven't seen that one yet.

Perfect.

Okay.

You want me to put it up front for you?

Well, can you bring it to the bathroom?

I'm in stall number three.

Baz is in number two.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're waiting.

The action is slow tonight here in the bathroom,

the cruising, the gate cruising scene.

Can you bring two copies?

I haven't seen that one either

I should have

someone had said to ask her to

describe

the pictures

I wonder if they have any

sex education

books

I'm sure they do

I hope they can read out some positions to us

yeah Kama Sutra

you can ask

let's see if they bring one

they might be like uh uh I'm not good at that

All right, let me see if this is one I haven't called yet.

I can't confirm that.

I'm going to go to a different part of the country altogether for this.

All right.

Ooh, Missoula.

Missoula.

Missoula has a Barnes & Noble.

Missoula, nice town.

Looks like it.

Been there many times.

Looks like it from the satellites.

Barnes & Noble, this is Sheila speaking.

How may I help you?

Hey, Sheila, I was wondering if you might look up a book,

see if you have it in stock.

What were you looking for?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

It's a little bit delicate.

I apologize.

It's the Kama Sutra.

We have probably three or four different formats.

Okay.

I'm pretty sure we've got them.

Just a moment.

Let me take a look.

But I'm pretty sure we've got a number of them.

So just a second.

Okay.

Great.

Yeah, we probably have four or five different ones.

We also have a box of deck cards that have, I mean, it's just a box of cards that are Kama Sutra.

Oh, hey, perfect.

That might be perfect for our purposes.

I was wondering if you could bring them into the bathroom.

Cross and I are in here.

We're in the third stall.

all and we've gotten a little bit bored maybe can you hold the cards up so that we can see them when

we we try them out most people just they just hang up we gotta break right in thinking about

ending things actually i'm gonna end things i'm ending things it's all right i gotta go too all

right yeah it was fun a little bit yeah see you bass see ya there goes bass and here i go i'm going

Far and away, far away, far away, I'll be back Thursday.

Who knows, maybe even Wednesday, yeah.

I'll be back at work next week.

So, that means afternoon shows, if they do happen, or morning shows, daytime shows,

they will be on Tuesdays only.

Be aware, this is the last Monday one until schedule changes again, perhaps at the end

of the year.

See you later.

Calls (17, 44 min of 1 h 11 min)

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