Nougat

What the fuck is a noobie?

Motherfucker.

Yeah, you motherfucker motherchut.

Motherfucker motherchut.

Teri bapti bera obra bench.

You're listening to Madhouse Live.

On the largest call station in the nation.

Prank call nation.

Okay.

I am Carlito with Laugh Track Matt and Laugh Track Baz.

Hey, hola.

Hey.

And we are here.

I am Carlito.

As I said already once.

Let me turn that music down, sorry.

Hi, I'm Carlito, and we're here to do some prank calls.

I've got some frozen grapes.

Oh, wow.

Frozen.

Oh, man.

I've never tried that before.

I was on some website, and it had top ten things to taste better when they're frozen,

and one of them was grapes, and I was like, I have grapes.

I tried it.

It was good.

I've only ate one grape my whole time.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

How's that possible?

You're American, aren't you?

Yeah, fruits and vegetables.

oh man you're missing out you gotta get some frozen yeah i got some i got some black seedless

grapes i think i'm gonna throw some in and give it a try in an hour or so i threw the whole bag

in the freezer i was like fuck it i took it out i had to wash them so they melted a little bit

because i had to wash them i should have washed them beforehand but then i was like they're

gonna stick together maybe if i wash them you know so yeah you gotta wash them then dry them

then freeze them yeah it's quite a process you know yeah but it's worth it man i'm telling you

it does taste better yeah the other thing it said it was um peanut butter cups i've never

tried frozen i've had them oh yeah those are i've had frozen now yeah um i've had snickers

bars and such but i never thought about a cup yeah i think you know what i think what tastes

good is a three musketeers frozen nougat frozen i don't know well actually i don't think nougat

freezes that well. It might get

really hard, like overly.

Yeah, but the traditional three musketeers

don't have nougat, do they? I don't know.

I think they do. I thought that's what it was.

It was chocolate nougat and something else.

That's why they called it three, I thought.

Oh, yeah, you're right. I think so.

I love nougat. Nougat's

my favorite. You're a nougat?

I'm a nougat. Your face is a nougat.

I like nougat.

Your mom's a cunt nougat.

I'm looking at

Phoenix, Arizona.

You should work in the word nougat into a

prank today.

That's a hard one, but okay.

It's yours.

With some fucking nougat there. Done.

Challenge accomplished.

Worst challenge ever, Baz.

Here's a ballroom.

A ballroom. What do you do in a ballroom

other than dance around? Let's find out.

Nougat.

Chat by myself.

yourself again by yourself track station i can use my new train whistle on them oh yeah

seven days what the hell just happened to my music the record's given

what that was about i hope that doesn't keep happening okay it's an 800 number so maybe it's

a national call center i'm not sure but we'll try if it is anyway that works as long as someone

picks up we got a chance you're just gonna do the train whistle yeah and talk about nougat

I'm going to talk like a retarded kid.

Hi, I'm Julie, Amtrak's automated agent.

Hey, Julie.

Para continuar en español, oprimanse.

This is going to be...

Sorry, please say introduction, train status, schedule.

Sorry, I still didn't understand.

Penis.

I think you said you want to talk to an agent.

Is that correct?

Oh, yeah.

Maybe there's something else I can help you with.

No, motherfucker.

Motherfucking bitch.

You bitch.

Sorry, I didn't understand.

You slut.

I think you do.

Oh my god.

Okay, alright.

Fine.

We'll just be nice.

That's how it should ring.

Agent.

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

No.

Agent.

I think you said you want to talk to an agent.

Is that correct?

Yes.

Okay, I'll transfer you to an Amtrak agent.

Finally.

Your call may be recorded to ensure quality.

Hold on.

God.

If your call requires further assistance,

please hold while we transfer your call.

Thank you.

For me to just be there.

All of our reservation sales agents

are currently assisting other customers.

Your call is very important to us.

Please hold, and your call should be answered in approximately...

Because I already waited for so long.

Yeah.

All that time will...

Seriously, from what I had planned for this call, this is way too much.

M-Shack, this is Amy.

How may I help you?

Wow, really?

Are you a person?

I'm a person, yes.

Oh, my God.

Do you guys have a high handle time today?

I haven't looked lately.

Is the wait really long?

Do you have a queue time?

High queue?

Do I have a what?

Do you have a high queue time?

High queue?

This is a queue?

How could we help you?

Is it a long wait?

Yeah, it was long.

It was so long.

I want to stick to that.

I want to talk about it for three minutes because I had to hold it for three minutes.

What can we do for you?

I'm being serious.

It's a lot of talking on hold.

It doesn't have any music.

I heard like three seconds of music for three minutes of holding.

Oh, you're kidding.

No.

Anyway, what I was calling about was because I'm a train.

I'm a choo-choo train.

Let's be serious.

What were you actually calling about?

I'm a train.

I'm a choo-choo train.

Okay, I'm going to release the call and see if this is going to be a prank.

Yeah, this sounds like a prank, so I'm going to have to release the call.

I held for so long.

Come on.

No prank.

No, no.

I have a ticket number.

Okay, what were you calling about?

I'm a train.

I'm a choo-choo.

Woo-hoo.

Okay, I'm going to have to release the call now because this is a business and this is

my job.

I'm not going to mess around.

My name is Thomas.

Uh-huh.

Thomas Train.

Were you calling about a reservation or anything?

Yes.

Yeah.

I'll put Baz on the line.

He has a question.

Seriously.

Okay.

Yes, ma'am.

I apologize for that.

You know, we had the long wait time, and he's frustrated.

He's just blowing off some steam, literally.

Okay.

Yeah, this is a business, and, you know, we have to move on and get to the other guests.

So what can we help you with?

I understand.

Yes, I have some questions about the amenities on your trains, damn it.

Okay.

Which train were you talking about?

Empire Builder.

The Empire Builder, okay.

Yes.

You wanted to know some menu items?

Seattle.

Yes.

I'm on a restricted diet, and I cannot eat anything that has nougat in it.

Anything that has what in it?

Nougat.

Gluten?

Nougat.

Like in a candy bar?

Absolutely.

No nougat.

Nougat bad.

Okay, I'm releasing the call now.

No, no, no.

Why?

I'm going to buy five tickets.

I'd say we call them back, but fuck that shit.

That was fun, though.

Yeah, it shows you, like, three minutes of your life back.

My name is Thomas Trey.

That was great.

I was just hoping we could eek a little bit more out of that since you waited so long.

Yeah.

Well, we tried.

All right, back to Phoenix, Arizona.

Zoom in on the city.

Oh, I got requested pranks, too.

Well, we can call a church.

Let's see if we can get a nun on the line.

Oh, it's fun.

I'm going to do my joke where I ask about labia at the church, and they don't know what it means.

Those Barnes & Noble pranks about the dividers.

That was funny.

Good morning, St. Mary's Basilica

Lucy speaking, may I help you?

God bless you, hi, God bless you

Hi, God bless you, can I help you?

Thank you for saying it back, why didn't you want to say it?

What's wrong?

I'm sorry, just wasn't expecting anybody on this line

Oh, I could be Jesus, you know

You could, how can I help you?

Oh, do you have a nun there?

No, I'm sorry, we don't

Motherfucker, what do you guys, when is your services?

Oh, God

She's mad because I said God bless you

Matt, you talk to her.

You're crude.

I don't know if he's back yet.

Oh.

He went to get a beer.

He took his time.

They're not answering.

Here's the Arizona Capital Museum.

A rash.

I wonder if we could break shit.

Yeah, excuse me.

What a couple with a baseball bat.

Yeah, actually, we can bring a pail of rocks.

Yeah.

Or, I don't know, like crowbar or something.

Yeah.

Or can we borrow the keys to the display cases?

All good ideas.

Whoa.

You have reached the Arizona Capital Museum.

located at 1700 West Washington Street

under the Copper Dome.

Sorry, do you mind if I transfer your call?

Hi.

I didn't even say please wait.

I just said wait.

There may be a silence transfer.

Arizona Capital Museum.

Hey, how are you doing?

I'm Thomas Train.

What time are you opening?

Hello.

Yeah, what time are you opening until today?

We're opening until 4 p.m. today.

Nougat!

Ma'am, I was wondering,

do you have a gift shop at your museum?

Yes, we do.

Yes, I was wondering, do you sell...

Would you like to speak to them?

Well, let me ask Thomas.

Thomas, do we want to speak to the gift shop?

That is a yes.

Two whistles is a yes.

Arizona Capital Museum store.

Yeah, damn it.

I was wondering, do you sell buckets at your gift shop?

No, we do not.

Oh, okay.

I guess I'll have to bring my own bucket in.

I'm going to bring in a bucket of rocks.

Uh-huh.

Yes, because I like to throw things at the display cases.

Uh-huh.

And I forgot my bucket at home.

Is there a Fred Meyer or a Walmart nearby at which I might purchase a bucket?

I don't know where the closest Walmart is.

Yeah.

Here, talk to Thomas.

He's got a message for you.

Thomas?

That's Thomas Train.

Uh-huh.

He said, pleased to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I don't know where there's a close Walmart.

Yeah.

Okay, because I know that, are there rocks surrounding your museum lying about that I could collect?

No.

Like pebbles or small stones?

Do you have things we can throw at the display cases that we can buy?

Nope, you would be kicked out of the museum if you did that.

Yeah, I know that part, but before that, we'll get a few shots in.

Mm-hmm, I doubt it.

Maddie's bringing his baseball bat.

Hey, do you sell batteries?

No, we don't.

Come on.

Do you have spark plugs?

No, I'm sorry.

I can't help you.

Motherfucker.

What about shot glasses?

She was about to hang up, so I said, motherfucker.

Those were all objects that fans throw at Yankee Stadium.

Yeah.

Batteries, spark plugs, shot glasses.

And thank you for calling Phoenix Art Museum's 24-hour information line.

Please make a selection from the following menu.

Do they really need a 24-hour information on you?

It's 3 in the morning.

No?

No.

Thank you so much for holding.

How can I help you?

I said no when you asked if I could hold.

I'm sorry?

I said no when you asked if I could hold, and you said, oh, thank you, and you put me on hold.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.

I had to put you on hold.

I had someone here in person.

I couldn't put you on hold.

I wasn't able to hold.

Okay, how can I help you?

Well, I wasn't able to hold.

Do you understand what I mean?

and you still put me at home?

Sorry, it's just I'm very busy.

How can I help you?

Oh, there are a lot of people there?

Yes, and I have other five lines ringing right now.

How can I help you, please?

Am I the fifth line or is that four lines,

other four lines that are, you know what I mean?

Like, am I the sixth or the fifth line?

I'm sorry, I'm going to hang up if you continue,

if you don't ask.

You brought it up that you have other five lines ringing.

Not me.

Okay, what are your hours?

Oh, she hung up.

Never mind.

Thank you for calling Phoenix Art Museum's 24-hour...

I guess they do need 24-hour...

Wait while I transfer your call.

They got five lines.

We didn't know when you were open.

Five lines line up late at night, too.

I guess we're going to hold.

Hello, and thank you for calling Phoenix Art Museum's 24-hour information line.

Please make a selection from the following menu.

How can I not hold?

I should be able to hold if...

Wait while I transfer your call.

Come on.

She's not picking up.

Hello.

Fuck it.

Phoenix has a lot of museums, man.

Here's another one.

This is the Herd Museum.

As in you heard something.

I'm going to say...

Herd?

You mean like a herd of cows?

No, more like I heard you.

Oh, okay.

Gotcha.

Like head with an R.

You have reached the Herd Museum of Native Cultures and Arts.

If you know your party...

One moment, please.

It's Herd Museum.

Herd Museum, how can I help you?

Yeah, that's the Herd Museum?

Yes, this is the Herd Museum.

The Herd Museum, awesome.

And you guys got nice examples of head.

No, herd.

I know you heard me, yeah.

I'm saying his head.

No, it's the Herd Museum, not the Head Museum.

Oh, I thought it was like the Oral Sex Museum, you know?

Like sucking a dick and eating a pussy, you know, like head.

No?

No.

I'm a train.

Nougat, can you transfer me to the gift shop?

Hold on one moment.

Thank you.

Bitch.

Calling the Herd Museum Shop.

How may I help you?

I heard you.

You did?

Yeah.

I heard what you said.

Yeah, I heard that.

I heard that.

What did you hear?

Do you have nougat there?

I'm sorry?

Do you have nougat there?

Any candy bars or nougat?

No, we don't.

This is a museum shop.

Yeah, I know, but you have candies and snacks sometimes.

Stupid.

Sometimes.

Oh, well, we occasionally have some native snacks in our bookstore.

Do you want me to transfer you over there?

The bookstore now?

What is that?

Is this like jerky and shit?

Yeah.

Okay, put us through then.

god damn it shit all right here you go hurry up and you still didn't figure it out good morning

here at museum shop i heard you i heard okay i heard what you said what did i say you said very

bad thing about the book and the girl over there in the um i most certainly did not in the gift

shop yeah you did you called her b-i-t-c-h like that not me sorry well i heard it too i'm gonna

tell her well i have another customer do you have snacks do you have snacks there oh you should we

We got the strangest bunch of phone calls.

I know, it's been really wacky so far.

And we're blowing the train whistle and saying nougat a lot.

Okay, I'm getting a message from Jose.

Oh, no.

He says to send a shout out to everyone who has been found in the Indian Ocean.

No one's been found.

Now, did they find something?

They found objects, I thought.

What's he talking about?

Did they really think they found anybody?

I don't know.

I saw they had found like a hundred something objects.

122 objects in the ocean

As much as 75

Foot long and appear to be solid

There you go

So I don't know what he's talking about

Unless he means bodies or he's just being gross and nasty

That's mean Josie

Mean Jose

He's like shout out to nobody

Motherfucker

Shout out to people

That's why I ride the train

Train just fucking escalated

It went up

Yeah, I heard that.

Yeah, I saw the video of it.

Wow.

That's fucking L train.

You ever been on the L train?

I'm sure you have, right?

Yeah.

A lot?

You ride it a lot?

No, I don't do anything.

Shut it, man.

Yeah, that's right.

If you had to go to work or something, maybe.

Yeah, that'll be the day.

The day I have to take you to go to work.

I barely went to work when I could drive.

Yeah, probably expensive, too.

But if you live in the city, you're straight up in the city, right?

Yeah, yeah.

All right, so, cool.

Cool. You're not in the south side, isn't that the bad side?

It's like two blocks away from the Sears Tower.

Well, whatever. The Willis Tower. Nice try.

Yeah.

You guys still try to call it the Sears Tower like you're cool and all, like you're stuck in...

Well, I just, I'm used to it.

I'm stuck in the 80s.

Yeah. You know, well, it just seemed right calling it the Willis Tower.

Yeah, I guess. Who is Willis, anyway?

I don't know. Some other company.

Thank you for calling the U.S. Airways Center located at 201 East Jefferson Street, Phoenix, Arizona.

To reach the U.S. Airways Executive Offices, please press 1.

U.S. Airways.

Please hold while I transfer your call.

Oh, no.

I was going to tell them train is better.

Good morning, U.S. Airways Center.

Yeah, train is better.

Good morning, U.S. Airways Center.

Yeah, you guys are an airline.

No, we're not.

We're the sports center.

It's like a big arena for basketball and concerts.

You want the 800 number for the airline?

Well, I need to book a flight with you.

We're not the airline, sir.

I need tickets.

You guys sell tickets there, right?

It says ticket box.

We sell tickets for a concert and basketball.

Exactly.

I think, personally, the train is better.

Because they give you candy bars and nougat in the train.

Oh, is that right?

Do you want the number or not, sir?

Well, I already have the number.

I'm talking to you.

Stupid woman!

Put a man on the phone.

I want to book a flight to ecstasy with you.

I'm going with the challenge.

I'm going to use Nougat as much as I can.

I'm going to try for once a call.

There's a Nougat challenge.

The Nougat challenge on Madhouse Radio.

All you got to do is say Nougat.

Thank you for calling the U.S. Airways Center located at 201 East Jefferson Street, Phoenix, Arizona.

To reach the U.S. Airways Executive.

Please hold while I transfer your call.

That's a Nougat show.

Good morning, U.S. Airways Center.

Nougat.

Hello.

Yes, good morning, U.S. Airways Center.

Yes, I'd like to book two tickets on the flight to Indiana, please.

Okay, well, this isn't the airlines.

This is a U.S. Airways.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hold on one moment, please.

No, no, don't transfer me.

Thank you for calling.

Your call is very important.

We'll ask the airline for tickets for a game.

Let's build something great together.

Be there for all the action in 2013-14 as a six-man member.

Join the Phoenix Suns family for the 2013-14 season.

The sixth man, hey, they ripped up the Seahawks, 12th man.

Become a member today at MySixthMan.com.

The official website of U.S. Airways Center is U.SAirwaysCenter.com.

Visit U.SAirwaysCenter.com for up-to-date events and concert announcements and ticket information.

Follow us on Facebook and Twitter for the latest event news and information.

Follow us at Facebook.com slash U.S. Airways Center and Twitter.com slash U.S. Airways Center.

Thank you for holding.

Are you ready for the number?

okay uh yes 1-800 here thomas will take the number 1-800-428-4322 all right so the number is

got it thank you oh perfect hey baby

fucking god whatever yes

everyone we call is so fucking super busy today man

The economy's turning around.

The merger between U.S. Airways and American Airlines is underway.

Yay!

If you would like to hear details about our merger,

please press 1 now or press 3 to be connected to the U.S. Airways reservation system.

I hit 3, motherfucker.

Thanks for choosing U.S. Airways.

All may be reported and monitored to ensure high-quality service.

In a few words, please tell me what you're calling about.

I ain't talking to somebody, motherfucker.

I don't want to talk to you, asshole.

you understand what i'm saying you understand that okay to get you to the right place please

tell me what you're calling about get information tickets sex masturbation you're calling about

reservations is that right yes which would you like to do make a new reservation talk to somebody

talk to a person that's what i want to do sorry which would you like to do make a new new elite

sorry i'm having so much trouble yeah i'll get an agent on the line to help you but before i

transfer you one last question if you're calling about flights within the u.s or canada press one

if not press two thanks please check tsa.gov for the latest information on carry-on items

note that under federal law passengers are prohibited from bringing hazardous materials

on the aircraft no you can find more information at usairways.com

for the past 20 years that's been the case thank you for reminding me all u.s airways sales

Sales representatives are currently assisting other customers.

Please remain on the line for the next available sales representative.

We appreciate your patience.

I like thinking about how Nougat came into the thoughts of everybody today.

Talking about the frozen grapes and the freezing candy bars.

Whatever, I bet the three most tears is good with the Nougat.

Here we are using it at every call so far.

We've got to keep it going, man.

trip and march what the nougat thing oh i'm happy i'll do it i'm all nougat i'm all nougat all the

time i like to take that nougat and put it down my pants to get it all warmed up

yeah warm nougat you could say you're taking a trip to somewhere and then say that you're

I had to get a new lava light bulb today.

You actually burned out your lava light.

You used that much?

Yeah.

Your lava lamp, I should say.

Yeah.

It's got to be like a really hot bulb, I'm presuming, right?

Yeah, because all the heat is super trapped there.

Damn.

It's not that.

It's just that it's trapped, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It just heats up that liquid and makes bubbles.

Yeah, well, it heats up a coil in the liquid.

Oh.

There's, like, a metal coil that if that thing gets, like, off kilter,

like, then the shit won't heat up.

I used to have a black one.

That thing was sitting, like, sideways,

and I kept trying to shake it

just right to get over there

and it just wouldn't go.

A black lava lamp? That's interesting.

It was cool, man.

I dated a girl once when I was in high school.

I dated her and she always wanted

to fool around, but she wanted a lava lamp on

for mood.

I was like, that's fucking stupid.

She bought it

As Spencer's gift

She's like

Oh it's so cool

She used to burn

She used to burn incense

All the time

Yeah

Sounds like a cool broad

She was kind of cool

But she was real

Real clingy

I fucked with

The lava lamps on

Jesus

Like yeah

You stare at the lava lamp

You're like

No

I just had them on

I've always had

Multiple lava lamps

You're really into

Lava lamps huh

Yeah

I like like trippy lights

I used to have like a disco light

In my room that made fucking colors

Like go all over

Like rolling colors

I used to like just drop acid

And stay in my room

Wow man

Take a trip

And then I would fucking watch those

Beyond the mind's eye

Those old computer generated

Like videos

Different CG back in the day

Huh

Old VHS

cassettes of that that I actually purchased.

Vice has a cartoon that came out

this week that

it's an animated short.

Oh, with the little guy.

The little brother in Xenotown or whatever.

And they're doing acid and shit.

Yeah, no, they did

with shrooms.

Oh, with shrooms, yeah, with shrooms, you're right.

What was it called, Xenotown?

Yeah, that's where

they used to say they went every night.

Yeah, and they were just going on a trip

in the woods.

It's true.

That's mean, though.

Speaking of Vice,

did you see their...

I'll start it.

No, go ahead.

Did you see their documentary

on the Syrian Civil War?

Yes.

Yeah, I've seen that.

That is some harsh shit.

Yeah, the Congo one.

It's the one on

Central African Republic.

They just finished it

last weekend.

And you can watch

the whole thing in one now.

It's pretty good.

Oh, the new one?

Yeah, the new one.

I've seen

I think I'm missing like two parts

The Ukraine one

That guy that looks like KDK

He's fucking pretty cool man

He's got balls

Yeah but you know what I mean

That one guy with the glasses

I know of him

I always hear you motherfuckers talk about him

But I've never listened

He does look like KDK

I think I've talked to him one time

Probably at some point

You called him on a Saturday

That's on the Vice

Vice, yeah

He's like the dispatch out in Russia right now

He's been out there since the Sochi Olympics

He went to the Sochi Olympics

And then he went to Ukraine

To cover that

He's there right now

We're still holding for United

Yeah, we're still a little

I'm already over it

Now I'm invested

We'll do another prank in the meantime

Sorry guys

Yeah, put the

The Peoria Sports Complex, it's the spring training facility of Mariners and the Padres.

Okay.

It's right outside of Phoenix.

All right.

If you just scroll up a little bit and chat.

That's their number?

Yeah.

I don't know what we can say.

Peoria.

All right.

You can tell them that we got hit by a line drive foul.

Fucking one in the afternoon.

Cracking my third beer.

Nice.

Just a cripple getting drunk off the government's dime.

You're welcome, Matt.

My taxpayers, my tax dollars at work.

Thank you for calling Taurian Sports Complex.

Can you hold, please?

No.

You cannot?

No.

What can I help you with?

Well, do you need to go?

Is that what's wrong?

Something the matter?

Hello?

Yeah, what's up?

What can I help you with?

Nougat.

I'm sorry?

You guys have the spring training baseball there?

We do.

Yeah, well, listen.

I was going by and a ball came by and it landed right at my feet.

What the fuck, man?

Excuse me?

I was going by and a ball, a baseball, landed right by my feet.

Like right in front of me, in front of my feet.

What the fuck, man?

Who did it?

I think it was Robinson Cano.

Yeah.

Home run.

Can you transfer me to him, please?

I can give you a telephone number for the clubhouse if you'd like to call there.

The clubhouse?

Okay, yeah, sure.

Whatever.

All right, motherfucker.

That's impolite.

I know.

Goodbye.

That was the point.

Yeah, bye.

New year.

Is the one place still on fucking hold?

Yeah, yeah, I'm waiting.

Jesus.

So it's actually the clubhouse, huh?

Yeah.

Great.

Ask for that guy, whoever it is.

The baseball player.

He's the Mariners' new second baseman.

Sorry, the person you are trying to reach does not have a valid voice mailbox on our system.

Goodbye.

That sucks.

At least we got the number.

I'll try it again.

Let me tell you how much he got signed for.

Let me just look this up real quick.

Hey, if you figure out when they...

Well, spring training's over, right?

No, it's one more week.

So, Mariners.

Yeah, hello.

Hey, is Robinson Canoe available?

No.

No, he's probably on the way to the game.

I'm playing on the road at 2.12, so he's probably there.

Okay, yeah, he told us to call him.

We were going to meet at the Barnes & Noble's for some action.

What are you talking about?

For some what?

For some action in the restroom.

For some action?

Yeah.

What does that mean?

Well, you know, the gay men meet in the restrooms at the bookstore.

He asked for his stuff.

He told us to call him there.

That's awesome, dude.

Dude, you could get a hold of him.

If he would have called earlier,

he probably would have been able to talk to you.

He's on the road.

Let me tell you how much this guy is making.

A lot.

They signed him to a $240 million 10-year contract.

He's making $24 million a year.

He's set, man.

He's set like fucking Aaron.

He's a big deal.

He's hitting like over $600 million in spring training.

Save that number

Yeah I gotta save that

It's only good for another week

And the Padres are there too

Oh there you go

You're still gonna be fucking with people next year

I heard the Dodgers are fucking nuts now

They got a higher payroll than the Yankees

What the fuck man

That's something

Yankees are what people always say

Yankees all they do is buy

Massive contracts for players

And apparently the Dodgers are up to something crazy now, salary-wise.

Here's a place called Tover Castle.

Yeah, there's a castle.

And we're still on hold with U.S. Airways.

Castle?

The only airline that's ever lost my luggage, U.S. Airways.

Fuck them.

Never happened in my life except for them once.

When I was on my way to a wedding.

Not my wedding, thankfully, but a wedding.

at mostmile.com.

Hello, and thank you for your interest

in Toe Recastle at Coraro Heights.

You have reached Re Coraro Society's

recorded information line.

Fuck you. What was that place?

Toe Recastle.

What, a castle? Yeah, they have tours.

Let me see what they're about.

It reminds me of that. I was watching

Borat when he's in his hotel room

and he's going,

Toe Recastle, Toe Recastle, Toe Recastle.

That's one of my favorite lines.

He's like, look at me.

me i have a chair do this do that

that shit was really funny man yeah you know it's back on fxx

Basically, FX2, it's the second FX channel.

They signed a contract with him, with Sacha Baron Cohen,

and they brought back all the old episodes, plus the ones in Britain

that were never released in the States.

They're showing those here now.

Oh, yeah, I've been watching those.

Yeah, it's on FXX.

But apparently he's going to be doing a new show after these air.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, I don't get that FX, but I've been downloading the torrents.

There you go.

You're a pirate.

Bye.

Please hold while I trade for your call.

Thank you.

Buy them today.

Say it, Upfreeze McGee.

Listen to a Rogan podcast and Hannibal Burris was talking about opening for that band one time.

Really?

I haven't heard Rogan in a while

To reach this message

We are either on the other line

Or helping a customer

Please do not leave a message here

For what will not be answered

It will not be answered

Whoa

That's not

Damn dude

I need the clank noise after that

Yeah

Straight up

Clank

I don't have it in front of me though

I can't

But yeah I would

I would

Listen to the Rogan podcast

Like

Fucking three

Three hours is just time.

Yeah, it's been a while since I have.

I've been behind on my podcasts.

Anyway, hey.

I got nothing but time, buddy.

Christ Church Lutheran.

I was born in Christ Hospital.

Thank you for calling Christ Church Lutheran and Christ Lutheran School.

Office hours are Monday through Friday, 730.

Christ Church Lutheran and Christ Lutheran School.

This is Jennifer.

God bless you.

Hello.

God bless you.

Thank you.

Good.

You're not going to say it back to me?

Well, God bless you, too.

How can I help you today?

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, I'm eating a nougat candy bar.

It's really good.

You're what?

Eating a nougat candy bar.

I don't have anything like that.

No, I am eating one.

I am right now.

Okay.

So what can I help you with today?

I'm on hold with U.S. Airways to book a flight, and they're really taking a long time.

I don't know if you've called the correct number.

Who are you calling for?

Christ Church Lutheran.

Okay.

Yeah.

And who did you wish to speak with?

What was your name?

My name is Jennifer.

Yeah, well, Jennifer.

Oh, can I help you today?

Which way can I direct your call?

I'm bored.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, I can't help you with that.

I want to kiss you all over your body

and lick on your clitoris.

She's like, gross.

She's going to be at home tonight

with her lame husband.

I got the most obscene phone call today.

He was talking about

the airlines kissing me all over.

This fiend must be stopped

This fiend

Yeah you guys do the voyages

Into the desert machine

Do the what?

You guys do voyages

Into the desert machine

Into the desert machine?

Yeah

Or do you do voyages

Into the desert?

Yeah the desert machine

Sure

What are you looking to do?

My dog, Haas, passed away, and it was his last wish to be buried in the desert alone with his brethren, like his animal brethren and stuff.

Hi.

How can I help you?

Yeah, hi.

How are you?

I'm good.

How are you today?

I need to book a flight for Phoenix versus New York.

I need to book tickets for Phoenix versus New York Knicks.

Phoenix Suns versus New York Knicks.

I'm sorry?

I need a book of tickets for Phoenix.

Okay, I can't book Knicks tickets.

You can only book flights.

Holy shit.

Yeah, but they said I could book tickets through you.

This is the U.S. Airways Center that they're going to be playing at.

No, this is International Reservation.

Yeah, I understand that.

Yeah, any one international people call the reserve tickets for the game.

Come on.

Come on, shit, damn it.

Come on.

Nougat.

Oh, yeah, also, yeah, I need.

Oh, you got it in, Elise.

Thank God.

i was just biting my tongue

i guess we won't call there again either because fuck i held that long for that

shit let's call back the guy about the desert machines he seemed more promising than

us air yeah just tell him hey i got a product may contain cancer stickers all right kids too

Oh, we got to tell this guy Nougat.

Oh, shit, I forgot.

Yeah, do you guys allow Nougat candy bars when I go on the trip?

Yeah, what?

Do you allow Nougat candy bars when I come on the trip on one of the bookings?

Yeah.

Okay, I don't know if you had allergy-sensitive requests or anything like that.

Not usually, so.

Okay, yeah, so anyway, my dog Haas, he died,

and his last wish was to be buried in the desert,

so I wanted you guys to be my guy,

and we're going to go out into the desert

and I'm going to bring a tent,

a few gallons of water,

some hot stones, and we're going to

light a fire inside the tent and get

all in like a sweat tent, you know?

Hmm, yeah.

And Matt's got some peyote

and poppers.

We'll take those and we'll sweat it out in there,

you know, we'll start seeing fucking shit and all that.

And then we come out,

then we have the ceremony and we bury

Haas in the desert

desert and put the hot okay we'll put the hot stones around him you know right yeah man nice

yeah so all right well yeah just uh let me know what date you guys are looking for uh this weekend

motherfucker let's see nothing this weekend maybe next week okay next week sure okay yeah all right

is there peyote just growing out there and shit that we can just cut down yeah yep no i needed a

credit card from you guys for the peyote that just grows for the trip okay uh one nine

oh shit i really was you try your poppers yet matt yeah i just hit him right now he was like

matt's got peyote and poppers and i was like all right i do i guess i do all right cool

I put the number for the Phoenix Zoo.

Ooh, yeah.

See what their poppers policy is.

Maybe we can feed Nugget to the monkeys.

Oh, yeah.

Nugget and poppers.

Yeah, ask if you can get Matt.

Ask if you can get poppers to the monkeys.

I just want to do poppers and watch the monkeys.

Now, we're going to stay on the line,

and your call will automatically be transferred

to our switchboard.

I'll try it.

Otherwise, listen to the following options

and press the number indicated for faster.

Transferring you to...

Are you sure it's safe for you to be sniffing stuff

And you've got brain lesions

You've got brain lesions

And you're sniffing

Yeah, hey, this is David

Can you transfer me to the monkey house, please?

Okay

Post haste

Okay

Anybody in particular you need to speak to?

Sorry, can you say again?

I couldn't hear you

Your phone is breaking up

Was there anybody in particular you need to speak to?

Yeah, we would like to speak with a monkey, or the monkey tender.

You know the black guy there?

No, I'm afraid you, no, I don't have anybody.

I don't even think they have a phone number.

In the monkey house, there's no black people.

Imagine that.

Also, can we feed nougat?

Shit!

We've got to call her back.

As long as we get it in there while we talk to them, we're okay.

It's okay to be called back

If you know the zoo extension you need

Please enter it now or stay on the line

And your call will automatically be

Oh I had 8 not 0

Oh shit

Welcome to the Phoenix Zoo job hotline

Sorry I didn't get that

Oh fuck I hit the wrong number

I'm watching CNN live and there's

A big orange penis being

Into the water

They're covering it live I don't know what it is

but it's in a very small window and i can't read what it says i think it says louisiana golden

meadow louisiana and it's like this big orange dick that they're lowing into the water why would

they do that oh yeah i don't know if there's a giant underwater satellites what would they be

what the fuck is it if they're gonna go near the public yeah why are they doing this in louis are

Are they stupid or something?

Okay, we're going to look in Louisiana.

Someone has a theory.

Yeah, we'll practice first for a couple days in Louisiana.

Someone has a theory that it's in Louisiana.

Thank you for calling the Phoenix Zoo.

How to Espanola Pregnant.

Stay soon at all trains.

If you know the zoo,

we're transferring you to the Phoenix Zoo.

According to this,

Ted Turner has a theory that the plane crashed off of Louisiana in the Gulf.

Yeah, he's paying for it.

Are you a member of the Phoenix Zoo?

Did you know a zoo membership was needed?

No, that's not true.

I came back to that.

If you're already a member, thanks for your continued support.

I'm making that up.

That's not true.

Our not-for-profit, non-tax-supported zoo could not exist without you.

That'd be funny, though.

Ted Turner.

I know it's there.

You know Ted Turner smokes a joint every day?

Phoenix Zoo, this is Cindy.

How can I help you?

Yeah, I wanted to feed the nougat candy to the monkeys.

You want me to transfer you over to the monkeys?

Yeah.

Oh, about the nougat?

I don't believe you have the right place.

Are you sure you're calling the Phoenix Zoo?

Yeah, I'm calling the Phoenix Zoo,

and I fed Three Musketeers nougat candy bar to one of the monkeys,

and he kind of laid down and held his stomach a little bit,

and I got scared and I ran away,

but I want to tell them that I did it.

I don't know if it does something to the monkey.

Maybe they have a nougat.

They can't process nougat.

He ate the whole fucking thing.

He's fucking crazy.

Okay, well, we have the police here, so they are on their way over to go where you're at.

Can they check the monkey?

No, where you are at, because you're laughing, and I can hear someone else laughing behind you.

I'm not laughing.

And that is not right.

That's Matt.

Yeah.

That is not right.

It's last track, Matt.

Yeah, we were smoking drugs in the zoo.

It's just to have more fun.

Thank you.

It's more fun that way.

You should do that at San Diego Zoo.

You know, that would be awesome.

I punched the monkey, too.

Oh, that's great.

You should have jumped into the tiger exhibit.

Wow.

That would be stupid.

You're going to feed me lions like a Roman would a slave,

like a Roman would a Christian.

Is that what you're trying to say?

Thank you.

You guys have a good day.

Bye-bye.

I'm thanking my monkey right now.

Fucking Jewish zoo.

We're smoking drugs, Matt, and we got all loopy.

might want to do that hey monkey eat this candy bar oh shit the monkey's like oh you should call

the san diego zoo and say the other zoo said they had a pro drug smoking policy yeah actually they

did say that all right san diego zoos are nice too i think isn't it one of the nicer ones i don't

Yeah, it's like one of the world-class zoos.

San Diego Zoo.

Let me get a number here.

There's a pretty nice free one in Chicago.

Chicago Zoo?

Lincoln Park Zoo.

You should call the Toronto Zoo in Sydney, Australia.

That's one of the world-famous zoos.

Did you say the Toronto Zoo in Sydney?

No, Toronto.

You did say Toronto.

Thank you for calling the Wealth Resort.

This call may be required for quality assurance.

Uh-oh.

Please wait while I transfer you.

Oh, that's San Diego Zoo Package Resort Getaways.

What the fuck?

Oh, fuck.

What a bunch of scammer scams.

That's how they get you.

You know what?

I'm going to call them.

Let's call them first.

Bring up Nougat and then tell them that I'm pissed off that they came up.

They're scamming the system.

Thank you for calling the web before.

This call may be recorded for quality assurance.

Please wait while I transfer your call.

Good morning.

This is Iris with the Standing Over There Getaway on a recorded phone.

How may I help you?

Yeah, listen.

Thank God that I got a hold of you.

Listen, I was at the zoo and me and Matt were at the zoo and we were smoking drugs and we

had like a bunch of candy bars and stuff for when we got the munchies and Cheez-Its and

then I was feeding Cheez-Its to the monkeys and they really liked it and then I gave one

of them one of those nougat candy bars, you know, like a Three Musketeers and the monkey

was like, oh, like that and he laid down and put his hands on his belly.

You said that you took drugs in the San Diego Zoo, is that what you're saying?

No, no, no, I gave him a candy bar, the monkey, I gave him a candy bar.

You gave the monkey a candy bar full of drugs?

No, it was the Three Musketeers.

Oh, I see, okay.

Well, sir, this is the San Diego Resort getaway on a recorded line.

Yeah.

Okay, I wasn't exactly sure what you were looking for.

Oh, well, I was looking up San Diego Zoo and you guys came up, motherfucker.

Why?

Oh, no, no, okay.

Okay, so you didn't realize that you called the San Diego Resort Getaway on a recorded line?

I'll tell you what.

I put in San Diego Zoo on my Google phone,

and you came up with the first phone number, and you're not even the zoo on a recorded line.

Well, I'm not a problem searcher at Google, a Google customer service for the zoo,

pertaining to your concern.

Google's a recorded line, too.

And so is this phone.

I'm on a recorded line.

Thank you.

Have a great day, sir.

I'm going to report you.

How about your recorded line?

Of course.

Do it.

Thank you.

Yeah, she's got a point.

Maybe I shouldn't be saying that I'm giving her and the animals.

All right.

Big deal.

Everybody courting the line.

Everyone's busy and recording lines today.

And the NSA is recording it, too.

There's so many recordings of this right now.

She can't bring it up a recorded line.

Yeah, like that was supposed to.

You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

When the grand jury hears that, they're going to have my ass.

uh baz can you um can you mixler this on the madhouse account so i can explain

because oh yeah like bill man's in the chat room he doesn't realize there's a new mixer hold on

let me uh let me uh do that real quick thanks simulcast me at least for a little bit so it'll

be recorded what yes it'll be recorded on a recorded line of a recorded line

that's also being recorded all right town and country i don't know what they sell there

they're right next to the shoe shop remember tnc yeah yeah yeah what were the um what were

the surfing uh wristbands or the skating wristbands i used to have one of those was a gns

yeah yeah well gns there were gns straps i remember you could get they were like these

straps i don't know what were they they were supposed to be for surfboards i could have sworn

horn i don't know oh maybe like so if it hurt it'd be like ankle stripped yeah but people used to

wear them on their arms all the time on their hands i used to have two and a green and hey

motherfucker what's up hello yeah town and country yeah do any of these places have nougat candy bars

in them pardon me do any of these places have nougat candy bars in them i'm in the parking

lot right now you see me over here you're a hunk my horn no the management office i'm not sure

Yeah, me, Matt, and Baz, we're here.

We're hot boxing in the car.

We're smoking pot, a lot of weed.

But we're here.

She's like, no, you're not.

No, you're not.

The nougat thing continues.

So far.

It hasn't been every call, but every play.

Good morning, town and country.

Do you see me out here?

Or I'll honk my horn.

Huh?

Honk all you want.

I don't see you, and I'm not going to see you.

Are you not at the parking lot?

You're not in the same plaza?

I would think the management office would be in the plaza.

I'm in a mood for pancakes.

I wish you could order pancakes for delivery.

Oh, that sounds good.

But you can't.

I don't know anywhere.

I like that Edith's dad calls pizzas immigrant pancakes.

Okay.

Phoenix Fishing Supply.

Yeah.

They got a website.

Do they really?

No, they don't.

You're a website.

Their posted website is something that makes no sense.

This website's under construction.

No, not even.

Like, GIF.

All right, boss, we're simulcasting now.

Yeah, I just got the notice on the old iPad.

Good afternoon, Petey. Fishing?

Good afternoon. How are you?

Fine. What can I help you with, sir?

What is the best fishing line to strangle a wild munker?

For what?

Strangle a wild munker.

Uh, bring your reel in. We'll go.

What are you fishing for, also?

Nougat candy bars.

Pardon me?

Nougat candy bars.

Okay.

All right.

Motherfucker.

Hey, does that make good bait?

Nougat?

Nougat bait?

Yeah, supposedly.

I'll probably catch you with it, you fat fuck.

Supposedly.

That's like a thing you talk to that?

You're a funny guy, man.

Come on in.

Hey, hey.

Hey, I'm an expert fisherman.

I'm a master baiter.

I figured.

Okay, come on.

Come up with a better one than that.

We've heard all these.

I want to know if the fishermen are really talking about the nougat.

Is it good bait?

Hey, I got one, guy.

I really am.

I'll suck your dad's dick

Something that came up

Nougat

Sexy boy

Morgan Spurlock has a new show on CNN

I'm watching the commercial

Without the music

I liked his whatever

Tonight at 10

Yeah he's on CNN now

Tonight at 10

Yeah I had

Let me try one

One good one okay

Hey did you hear

You're coming in all fuzzy right now.

Did you hear?

Hello?

Your line's all broken up.

Did you hear?

Hello?

Did you hear about it?

I can't hear you.

Your line's all broken up.

We got a bad connection.

Fuck you.

You fucking liar.

You fucking motherfucker.

You smell like tuna.

No good.

Thank you, baby.

Try him again.

Maybe it'll be a better connection.

Yeah, he's lying.

You got some kind of good fish joke?

He's lying.

I forgot what I was going to say.

I was going to say something crude.

Did you hear?

Any fishing?

Did you hear?

Yeah.

Oh, I'll give my number out.

oh is that really your callback number no no no it comes up as that's someone else's number i'm

spoofing good afternoon phishing don't do that don't give out the number like that okay hey

you hung up on me man i know but don't don't just don't just i got a store full of people

god i'm kind of busy right now oh you're busy too oh so many people fishing this time of year i bet

let us talk to a customer put a customer on the phone okay we're calling from corporate office

So what can I help you with?

Come on.

We're calling from the corporate office.

About nougat.

All right, I'll go buy.

Motherfucker.

That's some complaints.

See, I told you.

Everyone's busy today.

Yeah, but the economy's turning around, man.

Apparently in Phoenix, this is booming.

Yeah.

This is off the chain.

Yeah.

Hey, I put a couple of Indian restaurants in Phoenix.

Oh.

All right.

They seem like they get anxious.

One's pretty cool.

It stands up, and so I kind of lean.

I like your loops.

Thanks, man.

I'm doing the same thing.

Yeah, I wanted to make an order.

Yeah, you ready?

One chicken tandoori?

Oh, fuck, really?

I gotta give it to you?

Hang on, hang on.

Got it.

Yes.

Okay, one chicken tandoori, full.

What's your name?

Cross.

Again?

Cross, yeah.

Okay.

One nougat.

What?

Nougat.

What the fuck is a nougat?

You don't have nougat?

Okay, never mind.

I'm sorry if you don't have it.

I'm sorry.

One bhenchod.

Oh, you want banter? Go find your sister.

Yeah, bring your madarchod over here.

I'm going to chod her right in front of you in the restaurant.

Come over here and do that. Show me, motherfucker.

Oh, I'm doing it now.

You can't do shit.

I'm doing it now.

I'll give your mom poppers to loosen up her asshole.

Oh, yeah, mother.

Madarchod, yeah.

Oh, shit.

Did you hear that?

he got mad about nougat he was like what the fuck is that because the fuck is that

how do you talk to a customer business have you ever had any trouble with scarlino uh yeah

hello hello nougat oh nope yes i have i have and i know you and brad at the same time sometimes

skype goes through and audits shit i think and maybe they hit you guys for some reason

They're like, these people are calling way too many people.

Yeah.

But then again, this account that I use, I only log into it when I do a show, really.

So maybe that helps out with it.

Yeah, probably.

Yeah, that might help out.

So I would say that.

Maybe you guys just keep a personal Skype account and then have another one for pranking.

That's what I do.

It's been working for me since the last time I got banned like three years ago or two years ago.

Thank you, Schmell.

Well, yeah, because Brad's got the whole Asterix server thing going on.

He's basically his own PBX now, and he's got a pretty good thing going on.

So he, but that's a different level.

When I get a house, I'll try to do that because then I'll have the space.

I'm in a really small space right now.

But when I have my own place, I'll try to do that.

I'll get a new machine, and I'll see if Brad can help me out.

I'll do the VoIP thing.

Might be a good alternative.

Probably the best idea, you know, because if someone wants to trace you or something,

then it probably had to say well i don't know then you'd be the one getting subpoenaed yeah

yeah you know what honestly what i also think i think skype and microsoft might have a pretty

good deal with uh law enforcement uh where if they get a complaint about a skype call they

they really they just shut it out really quick that might be why too they might have changed

those rules so yeah they might just be fuck it just kill it yeah and then you can't even call

and yell at anybody. You're a type of idiot.

Yeah.

I remember one day I was like,

you are very bad at your business.

You're stealing my money.

I'm so hot and angry.

It's bullshit, man.

When they do that, they seem to do it whenever

you buy new credit, too. That's what happened to you,

Brad, and me.

Yeah.

I'm out of 30 bucks.

He's out 60 or 70.

I was out 40.

So they take your order and then ban you.

They just banned me

yeah what happened you guys were rude to me what happened you guys being rude over there

yeah yeah yeah so come over here i'm on my way i'm on my way now yeah that's exactly what's gonna

what's gonna happen when we get there yeah we're gonna feed you nougat force feed you nougat

i'm on my way i said get your ass over here then hey shut up i'm in the parking i'm in the parking

Parking now.

Smoking drugs.

What?

I'm in the parking now.

Come outside, motherfucker.

No, come in the kitchen, motherfucker.

Fuck you, motherfucker.

You have knives.

You're cheating.

Fucking Indians.

It's in the kitchen like a lady.

That's for women in the kitchen.

What?

That's for women in the kitchen.

That's the problem with Indian men.

They're pussies.

You're cooking like a woman, cleaning and everything.

Clean the toilet like a monkey.

It's like a boat.

It's like a fucking white boy.

It's ponchoed.

You bet he chode.

I'm seeing a redneck ass over here, motherfucker.

You owl.

You son of an owl

Son of an owl

He is not the blood of his father

Your mother

I fucked your mother like a dog

From behind and she gave birth

In the streets like a dog

That's it

He sounded way too like he was just leaning

Like yeah

Whatever

Fucking white boy

Then he was kind of on the verge of just

Losing it too

Maybe the next one will push him over the edge

Alright, let's try it

Let's put that to the theory

Theory to the test, I should say

The tipping point

Matt, you can do it

Oh, I'm getting sent off crazy

Wait a minute, that's not the same number, is it?

Uh, no, it's not

I think it's 8181

Yeah, hang on, it's this one

I just can't call the phone

I'm gonna take my shoe off

And throw it at you

crap yeah we're in a parking lot come on motherfucker it's a very busy day

i gotta get an elevator you're right you have a better call yeah you know what let me try to get

the the elevator phone line you know the elevator working elevator lines you can call i used to have

one i've found one that would answer but i whenever i'd call it only the first time i tried

to do it i actually got someone on there at a later phone prank it was that i had to save

someone there was one time the first time i called it and some girl was in it she's like oh i'm sorry

hit the button i think and i was like no no there's a gas there's a gas leak does someone

fart in here and she's like oh my god and like she left so i could find it i'm looking i'm looking

i'm looking bear with me folks i think it was off of uh posting the pla forums i could have sworn

yeah i don't know how if those numbers are still good i tried calling a bunch of those elevator

excavator numbers. Most of them aren't, but a month ago. Yeah, most of them aren't, but the one

that I tried, it did work, because I could hear it working, but no one was talking back at me.

You can access the phone lines. Hang on, hang on. Okay, hang on. All right. Supposedly,

this is in a hotel. Let's see if this still works. Don't forget, we've got to bring up Nougat.

Get that out of the way. We're at a hotel in Costino Reservation Department. Please listen

I need extensions.

What the hell?

Sorry, I did not recognize your selection.

Please select from the options provided.

Please listen carefully to the following options.

For general hotel information, please select one now.

To review, update, or book an individual reservation, please select two now.

To reserve a group of ten or more rooms, please select three now.

If you are attending a group or convention and need to book a reservation, please select for now.

Neither. None of those.

Sorry, I did not recognize your selection.

Please select from the options provided.

All right, forget it. Never mind.

I gave up.

Someone was calling in from that area code.

Someone was calling us back.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I didn't put it through, though.

Let it go to us.

I see what it's all about.

Probably that angry Indian guy.

Yeah, it is.

It is.

Yeah, hi, did you call me from this number?

Yeah, I called you. Where you at, motherfucker? I thought you were outside.

Yeah, I've been out here waiting. I'm honking my horn.

Yeah, bullshit.

Matt, tell them where we are.

We were in the parking lot by that one truckie thing.

Yeah. Did you hear the horn?

Wanna fight, son of owl?

He actually went out to the parking lot looking for us.

I just, it cracks me up to no end that they're so enraged.

you know you're just like holding the carless phone out in the parking lot

oh man okay uh i had a hotel i wanted to try where to go hotel shit you try to search for

typed it on the wrong computer yeah that happens when you're fancy and have dual computers yeah

Yeah, it's my fault.

I got the Madhouse chat running.

Another one.

Another.

My little netbook here.

Yeah.

All right.

I got two other computers I could have up and running too, actually.

Oh, I can't play this.

This is the end of the show song.

I know that track.

What is it?

Is that MF Doom?

Hey, this is Cheat.

How may I help you?

Yeah, it's MF Doom.

Hey, do you guys have candy bars there, right?

Like nougat bars?

Um, are you sure?

You guys have candy nougat bars there for the guests?

In what city and state are you in?

Phoenix, Arizona. Where are you?

Are you in the call center machine?

Sir, actually you're calling from the Central Reservation.

You're fucking stupid.

I'm sorry, sir, but the call...

The gears are turning or a little...

Please hold on. I'm going to transfer you to the Phoenix, Arizona.

Okay, sexy.

Oh.

Okay.

Ooh, you're hot.

your mom hey we're here now he called you a pussy man

i don't want to fight an indian did he call him or did he call you he called and i added him to the

he's still looking for him i'm waiting to be transferred why is all the aggression coming at

me because you laugh that's why they're like fuck you for laughing motherfucker i'm gonna fuck you

yeah hey nougat head how you doing okay um is there any uh particular location

yeah yeah um east van buren in the back door yeah east van buren that's the one okay

Hey, it's 6823.

So what?

Please call the hotel.

Transfer us.

Transfer us, motherfucker.

Yes.

Hello?

Hello, sir.

Yeah, I'm still here.

Yeah.

I don't have my dialing wand.

I'm too fast.

Because you're calling the Central Reservation, sir.

That's why I'm giving you the hotel number.

Where is Central Reservation?

In India?

We used to check for the hotels.

Are you in India?

Do you speak Tagalog?

No.

Are you Filipino?

I'm sorry, sir, but we are not allowed to say...

Do you have a peck-peck?

I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand you.

The peck-peck, you know, do you have that?

I'm sorry, sir, but...

In case of a contact, we ask you to let us know that you're not a voicemail system.

So you need to press 1 to take this call.

Okay, I'm not hearing any...

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Wait.

What do you have, pussy?

Yeah, pussy, what do you have, pussy?

Motherfucker.

This is shit.

Sir, if you're not going to stop for saying those words, I'm going to release this call in ten minutes, in ten seconds.

Fuck you.

Fucking pussy.

Okay, bye, sir. Is there anything that I can help you with?

No, don't go. Don't go yet. I've got an angry Indian man.

Oh, Nougat boy hung up.

Yeah, he hung up.

This man was angry because we stuck a Nougat candy bar in his ass.

And it got stuck.

It got stuck on there, yeah.

Matt tried to pull it out, and it was painful because of the peanuts sticking out.

Yeah, the coat hanger was all, got all, cut them.

It was a whole thing, you know?

Coat hanger, little hook.

So he's irate now.

He keeps calling us back all the time.

Hello, ma'am.

Are you there, honey?

Don't be scared.

All right, whatever.

We'll protect you from the angry man.

I'll let her go.

She's had enough.

I like that Indian dude.

He's just calling back in the curses.

This scares us out of random.

Where are you, pussy?

Oh, shit.

That was good.

I liked that.

I got the number for the place she was trying to transfer us to, but couldn't figure it out.

Oh, dude.

She wanted to be transferred.

Yeah.

And then just gave you the number.

Yeah.

Then said she couldn't talk to us.

Hey, boy, how are you?

Fine.

That's good.

Is it nice and clean over there?

You got nice, clean hands?

Yeah, because I want you to feed me nougat in my room.

some candy bar with nougat i want you to squeeze it in your hand like shit and smear it all over

my face and my beard and put it in my mouth okay yeah are you from india are you bancho

i need bancho bancho oh sir sir i think he's a colored man are you colored oh stupid

stupid smeared in my beard you know what we got caller id you want to call the police what's the

number motherfucker okay oh i'm waiting okay i'm flaunting in your face you can't trace shit

motherfucker come on trace me bitch boy i'm gonna take a piss while i'm waiting okay i guess he's

He's like, whatever

Nougat, nougat, nougat, nougat

Nougat, nougat, nougat

You Tracer's yet, motherfucker?

You think a Tracer can stop me?

Alright, enough of him

It's really ridiculous

I'm really ridiculous with this shit today

Nougat and a train whistle

I don't fucking get it

Whatever

Here it is

I'm in time chat now

I can see you

Oh yeah?

It's fun just to be stupid, you know?

Yeah, like Matt.

Look at this shirt, Carlito.

Let me see, let me see.

He's sitting with a pixel out of one of his twins.

And he's wearing a skateboard that says, suck my deck.

Nice.

Suck my deck.

Me and Ismael just suck my deck.

And she's all pixeled out.

How cool is that?

I like that.

Where'd you get that?

Online, obviously, but what like?

Yeah, some, uh, maybe Karma Loop or something.

something uh you got christmas tree and a turkey christmas tree all right cool man you brad made

these for me yeah i heard they had sent those to you yeah yeah that's cool i want one of those i

love matt too so he sent me many i'll give you one all right cool we'll do it all right i'll buy

them from him anyway all right i'm done with that motel six let me go ahead back into the uh i want

want to call barnes and noble i want to do some of those again um baz yeah those were fun and noble

yeah what time is it three did i started what time did i start my time one right one ish so i've been

on for two years yeah let me let me go stretch out oh shit the indian guy's calling and well

let's get him online and then then i'm gonna take a break hey boy we're out here okay whatever

all right i'm gonna save that cat's number just because he's fun to talk to he's not super angry

though not yet this is kind of goofy okay so i'm going to take a break i'll be back in about

five minutes okay i'm gonna go uh unleash the lizard real quick in the bathroom and i don't

know what else i'll do get some water more water should do it on the air no god you do that i can't

yeah i know i'm too embarrassed to do that it's like oh they can hear my penis no i don't want

that yeah yeah you were talking about it can you tell how small a cock is but the sound of the piss

can you i don't know you were saying that when i was pissing i'm like oh man maybe you can

all right i'll be right back guys you're gonna play some shit yeah i'm gonna play some shit

yep yep you guys will be able to hear it you should be i'm gonna take a piss too all right

all right anyway we're just talking about during the break matt's walking over there good for you

matt feeling good man i used the treadmill yesterday for the first time uh since i broke

broke my ankle on january 5th told you i really was like i'm doing all right get on the treadmill

it totally just fell oh man whoops they had it i bet they were freaking out holy shit

it was just if my boss yeah yeah yeah so baz we got seven listeners on the old

madhouse feed that aren't aware that we've made a change oh man that's just all right so baz

As to simulcasting on the Madhouse Mixler, I would hope this is, well, for tomorrow's Madhouse nightly show.

That'll be the last time we go on the Madhouse Mixler, so we'll retire that tomorrow night.

But if you're listening, hey, man, come on.

If you're listening to us on Mixler on the Madhouse, not the Prank Call Nation one, there's been a change.

The network itself is now Prank Call Nation.

The website is PrankCallNation.com.

Madhouse is just a show, so Madhouse is still here.

madhouse live.com still exists but for the network itself if you're one to tune in on mixer you need

to be you need to add the account prank call nation on mixler that's the main one uh baz maybe

you can put a comment in the one okay so people know okay good good good good good so just warning

i hope you're paying attention if you're not listening maybe you got another song on the

background i could do something to get your attention i guess train whistle yeah well i've

I've been doing that all day.

By now, it's like crying wolf, right?

All right, how about I play the emergency alert system?

I'll do that.

There's a 1980s version of it.

Let's take a break right here.

We'll continue with more of Newsmakers in just a few moments.

This is a test.

For the next 60 seconds, this station will conduct a test of the emergency broadcast system.

This is only a test.

All right, you motherfucker.

If you're listening now, there's a new Mixler account, and it's Prank Call Nation.

All right?

Are you paying attention now, stupid?

prank call nation yeah you the guy at work scrambling to turn it down maybe that worked

here's here's here's loud goat noises too yeah we'll play this too that's a scary ass sound man

anyway um and it is uh the announcement anybody who's using the mixer account as after a thursday

night show that's the madhouse mixer account is going to be banned forever from everything

thing i'm just telling you you love your mind house all right hey i've got a number for uh

an angry old guy in sheffield um unc and i were on late last night just making some uk calls and

we called this guy and he got uh really upset at us i don't know if you want to try calling that

later oh yeah sure were you in that conference last night because i was going to join the

conference i poked you and all but i was too late for that so cool rob was hosting it fucking around

cool rob was hosting and he wanted he wanted to add me but didn't realize he had me blocked

so i kept trying to do join and it kept saying you're you're blocked by this user like all right

whatever hey you're like whatever cowboy i don't know what i do yeah he's fucking he's the shit

he's a hot mess that guy i love drinking yeah hey uh do you want to hear that i've got a two

minute prank um you want to hear that prank we made to that guy in the uk yeah two minutes yeah

Yeah, sure.

Hold on, I'm going to play it right now.

I'm going to play it.

All right, let me mute.

Or stop the music here.

Is that coming through?

Yep.

Hello, Mrs. Johnson.

Yeah.

Hi, this is David.

Hang on, pause it, pause it, pause it.

How are you doing this morning?

Pause it, pause it.

You paused it?

Yeah, for some reason I'm not...

No, no, no, you're good, you're good.

It's just the guy's calling.

Hey, motherfucker.

Oh, okay.

All right, start playing again.

I just wanted to make sure we got it.

I wanted to see if he talked.

Yeah, sounds good, actually.

Yeah, keep playing.

Hello?

Hello, Mrs. Johnson.

Yeah?

Hi, this is David Snodwell.

How are you doing this morning, ma'am?

All right, what do you say?

My name is David Snodwell.

I'm an American traveler.

Yeah.

I've just landed at...

Yeah, put my answer button down.

Yes, please.

Hello?

Hi, Mr. Johnson.

Yeah?

Hi, this is David Snodwell calling.

I'm calling to confirm that I will be at your residence

in 30 minutes, and

I hope you'll have my bedroom ready

for me. Hello? That's what you're on about?

What are you on about?

I was talking with your wife online yesterday,

and I told her that you were

traveling to the United Kingdom.

Listen, I don't know who you are.

I don't know who you are or what your game is,

but don't bother turning up here.

Don't bother turning up here.

Sir, please. Shut your mouth and listen.

Shut up and listen.

You are not coming here.

I'm already on my way. Shut up.

Shut up. Shut up and listen. Shut up and listen.

I don't care what you've got. You can have a free time.

You don't come in here because you don't belong here.

This is a private house.

It's a private house.

You are not staying nowhere.

If you come here, you'll be going to the hospital because that's where they're sending you.

Hey, you pillock.

You listen. You listen.

You listen to me.

You listen. Shut up, Big Ralph.

You listen to me.

You shut up, Big Ralph.

Yeah, I'm gonna roger you in the

That was brilliant

Yeah, we made a whole bunch of calls

And they were all pretty much duds

But then this guy just fucking went off

I've got his number

This guy keeps calling in and he keeps not saying anything

Hey, motherfucker

Whatever, I'm not gonna answer anymore

Unless he says anything

Yeah, the tracing machine is getting

Closer and closer

It just needs to ping the line

Every now and again

I'm trying to get a lock

We're trying to get a lock on him

Keep trying

Hey

Hey faggot

Let me call him

Hello stupid Indian restaurant

He's calling

Yeah busy because he's calling

What the fuck

I think he just thinks he's disrupting me

Constantly

he's like i'll show him okay anyway there's do you guys want to call lost german shepherd or is

that too mean oh you can do whatever the fuck you want dogs need to eat nougat too yeah we'll say

we fed it nougat started phobic at the mouth too much nougat except the dog time we seem like we

discuss what we're gonna talk about they don't seem to pick up it sucks really i guess it's just

to jinx some prank call yeah if you do like you need to just call shit not even like what's this

yeah yeah that's true you're right that's why i don't plan my shows or anything i never do

well you know i don't yeah i don't have shit on this stomach yeah i might gather a few numbers

but yeah i'm gonna just sit and go for what it with whatever lonesome has sent me or whatever

hey honey did you find dog did you find fancy hello did you find fancy yeah did you find the

dog yeah um yeah she said the i'll be right in she said the vets in ut oh you know because i

think i saw her yesterday when did you you lost her like two days ago right yeah we um we found

her yesterday morning yeah yesterday morning i fed her i fed this german shepherd black german

Sherman Shepherd on Lone Oak Church.

I was trying to get it to come to me, and I fed it a nougat candy bar,

a Three Musketeers with nougat.

Uh-huh.

And it started foaming out the mouth and going crazy,

and she started, like, she went into the dirt

and started, like, scooting around in the dirt really weird.

And she was like, woo-woo-woo-woo.

Did this dog have a black and red collar?

Yeah.

Okay, and you put a one-up?

I fed her a chocolate bar with nougat, and I guess then I found out

you're not supposed to feed dogs chocolate it was having like a seizure she was like

and she was like throwing dirt up in the air and on her back and all that she was like yeah

she's fucking stupid yeah so i i i threw a rock and hit her right in the ass and it went running

away and i guess probably showed up at the vet like they found it then right well um yeah we

We found her about 9.30, I don't know, around 9 o'clock in the morning.

Yeah, yeah, well, yeah, I was on my way to work at 7 and I encountered it.

I gave her a chocolate bar and I tried to get her to come with me.

I was like, come here, honey, baby, like that, you know.

And she was really friendly.

And then when I ate the chocolate bar, I guess I was hungry, it started going crazy.

It had like a seizure in front of me.

And then I threw a rock at it and it ran away into the woods.

and you must have found it, like, a little bit later.

Right.

I just wanted to be honest that I fed it a chocolate bar and it had a seizure

and I threw rocks at it and I hit it, like, three times, your dog.

Yeah, okay.

All right.

I appreciate you calling and telling me.

All right.

I mean, we had no idea.

We called for it and everything.

Where do you live out through there?

Huh?

I live on...

Don't tape it on your door.

I live on 1612 Horse Machine Ranch Road.

I don't know where that is.

Yeah, Horse Machine Ranch Road.

Horse Machine Ranch Road.

Yeah.

Where is that from?

It's the new subdivision.

I'm not sure.

I just moved here recently.

I don't know the area that well.

But I know Lone Oak Church, and that's where I was.

Yeah, and that dumb fucking dog, man.

Did I leave a flyer on your door?

What?

Did I leave a flyer on your door?

Did you leave a flyer on my door?

No, no.

No, probably, probably not, no.

I was out, I was out.

I take long drives and I smoke marijuana in my car

so that my wife doesn't know I do it in the car.

Right.

And I drive around for a long time, yeah.

And it was in the morning before work

and your dog came up to me

and I was trying to be nice

and I fed it chocolate, yeah.

Well, okay.

Was she ranting or anything at that time

or was she just acting crazy, throwing dirt over her?

It was after she ate the chocolate

She was normal before and after the chocolate

She started having a seizure

So she probably has

She walked on all four legs

Yeah

But when she ate it she stopped walking

On all four legs and she was like going around

In the dirt

Like that

And it was having a seizure

It was shaking

And it looked at me and it was foaming at the mouth

And I thought it was going to attack me

So I threw rocks at it and it ran away

way went like that i was like yeah i was like you mother fucker you like that you mother fucker

like that yeah yeah well i appreciate your honesty okay all right all right what's wrong

what's wrong with the dog now is it not walking straight uh no no we um actually we brought her

to we had to bring her to uc yeah um down to the veterinary clinic and uh because she had a very

Very severe broken leg.

We brought her down here for the vest care.

Oh, no.

Maybe a car hit her.

So I've got to go in here and take care of this bill.

Here's Matt.

Matt had something to say to you.

Who?

Matt.

Matt, you here?

He's pissing.

Oh, Baz then.

Dr. Baz has something to say.

Yeah, yeah.

Chocolate can be very bad for dogs.

It can break their leg.

Yeah.

Yeah, so I'm a veterinarian, and so I know about the dog machines.

I'm going to go check my dog out and take her home.

Hold on a minute.

All right.

Okay.

Hello?

Yeah.

Hello?

Did you get the dog?

Yeah.

Yeah, I just walked up here.

Girlfriend, angry as a phone.

What?

Yeah.

Oh, that's your girlfriend?

Oh, yeah, because we saw the dog.

The dog came up to me yesterday morning around 7.

I was out jogging, I was out jogging, and I fed it a candy bar with nougat, and the dog started having, like, a seizure.

Yeah, where did you show your ass?

And I got scared, and I said, you motherfucker, you, and I started throwing rocks, and I ran away, and then the dog ran away.

It was like, like that, like stupid motherfucking, you know?

Yeah, where was that?

Well, I live on Horse Machine Ranch Road, do you know where that's about?

It's the new subdivision.

yeah horse machine ranch subdivision yeah and i i saw the dog on lone oak church

about seven in the morning yeah and then it went to attack me i gave a chocolate and it went crazy

went like that it started going it sounded it started like like that

yeah it was it was like i'm his neighbor i'm a veterinarian and he he came right home and he

he told me. We went out to try

to find Fancy because I'm a vet

and the dog wasn't

there.

But that noise when the dog goes

when the dog goes

that's never a

good sign.

I'm a trained professional.

He was having a seizure probably

because he's stupid.

Was her leg broke at that time though?

No, I don't think so.

No.

But the dog was saying

Like I'm gonna fucking

Kick someone with my leg

Like this

And she's like

I was like

I was like don't do it

You know

I need more nougat

That's what it said

You all fucked up or what

Your mother's fucked up

Your girlfriend's got it

Sir was that your

Your mother's got some

Wrinkled pussy lips

Does she have a tight package

You kissed my mother

With that mouth

Oh

More nougat

I don't understand

What's going on here

you're from the future man yeah you'd be from the goddamn past man

that's a bad noise for a dog to make it sounds like i was imitating you

is your girlfriend got a tight little package on her not anymore right buddy after the dog

The dog nodded out for her.

Like a sleeve of wizard.

Oh, it's a female dog.

Never mind.

Hey, fuck you, son of a bitch.

You ever call this number again, I'll hunt you down like a goddamn animal.

Hey, cocksucker.

Hey, don't you goddamn start me.

Hey, hey, listen here, you cocksucker.

I bet I'm not no fucker and play games.

Now, I'll kill your goddamn ass.

Don't fuck with me no more.

Don't you ever call this goddamn phone again if you like living.

I do.

You don't want those movies.

Friend dog.

That noise you were making was cracking me up.

I was laughing so hard.

I just kept wanting to do more of it, man.

It can't make me think.

That whole scenario.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message.

Fucking thing with that guy.

Like, he does a joke where it's a talking dog,

and then finally he says, where's a good place to go?

And he's like, Fisherman's Wharf.

And then him and his buddy are all super stoned, just laughing at it.

What's his video?

Doug Benson did like a joke, like a YouTube thing.

Somebody animated it.

Yeah, you have a Westinghouse freezer?

A what?

You have a white Westinghouse freezer?

Upright?

Yeah.

Upright your ass?

Yeah, I wanted to get it to put my nougat candy bars in.

I want to fill it out with big bricks and nougat.

Yeah.

Yeah, all right.

Alright, so it's an upright freezer, right?

Yeah.

Upright your ass.

Nougat.

Like that?

What?

It's upright your ass.

Nougat.

Oh, shit.

Say nougat.

G-Man, was you talking about Super High Me?

Because I've seen that.

Is that what you're talking about?

Yeah, that's the comedian from...

He smoked weed for every day, every day for like a month, right?

30 days.

Yeah.

Yeah, hey, you understand what I mean?

Like, it's an upright freezer that you have?

Yeah, I know what you said.

You said, up your ass.

Upright your ass.

I know what you said.

Nougat.

You forgot this part.

That's a train.

That's the sound of the freezer going up your ass.

Well, you know what?

Like a freight train.

We'll go ahead and I'll call the law and tell them you're harassing me.

The law.

Ooh.

Three-way, I'm in.

The wow.

What the hell is that?

World of Warcraft?

Shit.

She's going to call World of Warcraft.

Yeah.

The wow.

Wow.

Let's call this Indian guy back, see if he answers now.

I ignored him for a while.

There's a lot of good potential titles for this show.

Good afternoon, Deliver Us.

May I help you?

Good afternoon.

Would you like to make an order, please?

Yes.

Tell me what you like.

One chicken tandoori full order. Okay one nougat one nougat noodle

Yeah, okay, then one bhenchod bhenchod one bhenchod

One bhenchod yeah you motherfucker matter chod

What else motherfucker

That's a different guy different guy over there now

pussy yeah he's like we're already a pussy we're already a pussy oh man i am no son of owl i'm no

gandu uh who don't want to play music wise here for the non-youtube people let's do it a little

rjd too all right moving right along text only please so she may not answer or she'll be really

pissed off that we're calling she wants old flowers any kind any color and what else it's

It's for her daughter's wedding and Memorial Weekend.

Old flowers, bales of straw.

She needs 100 plus bales.

What kind of wedding is this?

And why is it a memorial?

Is she dead?

Memorial Day.

They're burying the corpse?

It's Memorial Weekend.

They're doing it.

Yeah, my wedding was on Memorial Weekend.

Because it was easy for people to get a day off.

So you got a kinship with her.

She picked up and hung up.

It's probably a word.

She said, Dextol!

Dextol, motherfucker!

you fucking nougat head

hello

yeah hi

you're looking for all kinds of stuff here for your daughter's wedding

yes I am

okay I've got some bricks of spoiled nougat

from my freezer

my upright freezer that went bad

would that work out

I also have

also some old non-working

furniture

appliances I mean

I have some freezers you can put around

like make a set like a fake house you know and it's like a broken freezer and everything because

it's a white trash wedding um actually i'm just looking for things to handcraft ourselves

oh i've got beads i've got beads table and chairs and like that

i've got beads so we just want to make it look country-ish

i've got beads that you can put in flower arrangements beads for flower arrangements

Yeah, we're looking for, like, you know, like if your grandma has a porch load full of old flowers, you want to chunk them out.

You know, we'll buy them for $10, $20.

I've got those, too.

And I'll clean them up and do something with them.

Hey, shut up.

Something like that.

Shut up.

I've got that, too.

Okay.

Yeah.

You want flowers?

I've got some old flowers.

Oh, you do have old flowers?

White, pink, blue, and purple.

Oh, yeah?

Where do you live?

Oh, I live on Horse Machine Ranch Road.

You live in Ohio?

Horse Machine Ranch Road.

It's the new subdivision, Horse Machine Ranch.

I don't know about that.

Yeah, it's right up your ass.

Okay.

You can put the flowers up your ass.

Yeah, I get behind girls when I do this.

Oh, she's gone.

Zach's saying that we should phone mob some store

and ask them for nougat and demand it until they put it on the shelves.

Just keep calling some store back again and again.

I just want to buy a nougat.

I just want a nougat.

Just a nougat.

That and factories.

Shit, where there's giant things in nougat.

Yeah, man.

I just want a big brick of it.

I remember at the gum factory, I ate a finger full of menthol.

I put my finger in it and put it in.

It was for making the winter fresh gum.

And god damn, did it burn my mouth.

I bet.

The shit they put in that?

Oh, man.

I was like, I like menthol cigarettes.

cigarettes this will be good yeah no crap um working at the gum fun yeah i would eat like

nougat with the fork and knife i'm gonna straight up do that sissy a nougat it's like the wind's

getting in there something wicked this way it comes yeah put my pinkies on ready they cut it

eat it all dainty hey hey hello for a suit molded into a phallus hello hello he called

Oh, is this a new thing?

Yeah.

He took an order, though.

He took a regular order.

That was a different guy.

I know, but now he's doing it again.

Look, see, he's doing it.

He's doing it.

The other guy came back in from the...

Yeah, he's like, they say they're in the parking lot.

Hey, motherfucker, we're in the parking lot.

He's like, I'll show him.

I keep calling and calling.

I call him, maybe.

I get revenge.

It's his time.

Bother him at work.

I waste his minutes.

works for suckers okay there's a free dog when i bought him they told me he was a german shepherd

but i think he may be mixed oh disgusting gross race trader but he's a great dog and great with

kids and other dogs yeah right we'll see about that shit i want i'm out of frozen grapes man

the only grips i have are non-frozen my grapes thawed out ring ring you have reached the

The voicemail box does.

Rain, rain, rain goes the trolley.

Bang, bang, bang goes the bell.

I give up on that.

Lawnmower.

42-inch lawnmower.

Riding lawnmower from Sears.

You're a 42-inch riding lawnmower.

Sears.

It's good stuff right here, man.

Yeah, like the Sears Tower, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

You can ride that lawnmower.

Yeah, you still got that lawnmower?

Yes, I already sold it.

Oh, listen, because I used lawnmower and I ate nougat candy bars.

I scrub it in on my beer like a motherfucker.

I don't cut grass with it, though.

I just turn it on inside my living room and ride it while I'm eating a candy bar naked.

And I'm like, hey, Ed.

Whatever, man.

Hey, Matt.

Yes.

I'm pranking on the government's dime today, too, bro.

Nice.

I got my first unemployment check today.

Yay.

Oh, nice.

It's like state.

State.

Yeah.

Hey, boy.

Why'd you hang out, motherfucker?

You didn't have nothing.

Yeah, I do.

Yeah, you do.

I didn't say anything bad before you hung up, motherfucker.

Now I'm pissed off, you motherfucker.

Two of us are like that.

Are we vulgar?

Me in a nasty...

Here's the guy who lost a wall at the VA hospital.

The VA hospital?

Yeah.

Oh, that's going to be some sad, getting hurt veteran.

No, some asshole Iraq you've met with PTSD bullshit trying to get money on the government dole.

Hang on.

Someone else I know.

I have to go in a moment.

Okay.

Yeah, you lost your wallet at the hospital?

Oh, you found my wallet?

Yeah, maybe.

I don't know.

Wow.

You lose it, motherfucker?

I did.

You stupid motherfucker, you.

I am.

Yeah, all right.

I found it, though, Scott.

I got your info here and everything.

Sweet, man.

All right.

Where'd you find it?

In the hospital.

it was in a seat in one of the seats it was yeah all right well amazing where are you see you later

i'm at my car where are you like east valley where are you at east valley yeah where in east

valley well i mean i don't know i don't know you oh you don't know me i should say i know you

pretty well based on the stuff in here yeah yeah well um i found it it's okay what can we

What should we meet up?

I need to get my wallet back to the board.

Yeah, I'll see you later.

No, it's cool there.

I just want you to know your wallet's okay.

I found it.

It's cool, man.

What's in it?

Huh?

Cards.

There's, like, some tinfoil.

There's a receipt.

Stuff like that.

Tinfoil?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Like a piece of foil looking, maybe from a gum wrapper or something.

I don't know.

Oh, is my ID still there?

Like, my military ID?

Yeah, all that stuff is good.

Yeah, you're good.

Yeah.

All right, buddy.

So, can you drop it off?

Yeah, I'll drop it off.

You got it, man.

because you got my ID, right?

Yep, yep, yep.

All right, I'll see you later.

Huh?

It's my address on the ID.

I don't like just giving out the address like that.

Why not, motherfucker?

Give it to me.

I don't want to just give out information.

I don't know who you are.

I can't just give out info like that.

Okay.

No, no, no.

I'll give you my ID.

I can't hear you, stupid shit.

Come on.

Why?

What do you want?

Where are you at, motherfucker?

I told you where I...

Now you're cursing.

I'm leaving.

I'm sorry.

Now you're being mean to me.

I'm just calling you about your wallet.

I'm going to hang up now, okay?

All right, bye.

Bye, asshole.

Yeah, bye.

Fucking dick.

Bitch.

Cut.

I'm reporting you.

Hello.

Yeah.

I'm reporting you.

That

you got the wrong number you lost a wallet you got my wallet right

no why'd you call me i didn't you called me you did phone line i picked it up but you called me

no i didn't and you are out of an out of area number i'm in tucson i don't know where the

hell you are i'm in asia i'm gonna kick your ass cunt you're a motherfucker okay where you want

Where were you when you wanted to meet, motherfucker?

No, there's too many people there.

Yeah, where you wanted to meet?

I didn't call you.

I don't know where you got this number, but I didn't call you.

You lost your wallet.

No one from here called you.

It's about the wallet.

And I have no idea where it's from.

It's about the fucking wallet.

Fuck.

All right, Scott.

Yeah.

All right, Scott.

All right.

Bye.

All right, motherfucker.

Bye.

Call me back.

I will.

Call me back.

I will.

I hope you find your wallet.

No.

Seriously.

yes no i'll call you to ask if you found i was eating nougat by the way i was eating nougat

yeah oh i forgot to tell the other guy about nougat too shit you're better call him back yeah

hello scott you're still there okay whatever hello yeah hey i forgot to tell you your friend

about the nougat yeah we're eating nougat we're eating nougat here yeah we're eating

it's good all right where are you guys calling from oh from uh the road we're on the road

what's that it's about a lost uh california it's about a lost wallet my son lost his wallet yeah

yeah we found we found it in the nougat in the nougat machine with in tucson yeah at the billiards

uh billiard place yeah yeah um there's a room here for like um people you can um have sex with

their girlfriend inside the room there's like a mattress and stuff on the ground and i guess maybe

Maybe it fell out of his pants when he took his pants off.

It was behind the mattress.

Oh.

Yeah, because we pull it out to clean out condom wrappers and stuff like that, you know, syringes.

Yeah, and he might have left it here.

I think it fell out.

Maybe he was having sex with his girlfriend or boyfriend, and it fell in between the wall and the mattress.

He actually lost it at a billiard.

Yeah, yeah, it's in the back room at Pockets Billiard.

Yeah, I work here.

That's where it happened.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, we have, you can pay us 20 bucks and we let you use the room for a half hour.

You can, you know, fuck your girlfriend and stuff like that, you know.

Yeah.

Okay.

Maybe because he lives at home, I think he doesn't like to have sex at home when you're there, you know.

Yeah.

What is his name?

Sean.

Your name is Sean too?

No, his name is Sean.

My name is Cross.

Is what?

Cross.

Spell it.

C-R-O-S-S.

Cross.

Yeah.

So can he come and pick it up this afternoon?

Sure, yeah, yeah.

No, motherfucker.

No, he says no.

Why is that?

Ask him.

Don't want my wallet back.

I don't know who you are.

She has your wallet, man.

I'll just have the, now that I know where it's at, I'll just have the police go with him and go and get his wallet back.

Yeah, his name is Scott.

Scott's the guy that has the wallet.

He lives in Mesa.

And he works in Tucson.

You've got my wallet.

You called me.

We don't have your wallet.

What's a little lady doing on the phone?

You have her wallet.

You have her son's wallet.

You said you have my wallet.

No, you have Sean's wallet.

Scott has Sean's wallet.

Scott was at the VA hospital.

He's a veteran.

He's a, yeah.

And he was at the billiard place, and he took the wallet from the mattress.

Yeah.

Okay.

It's Scott.

I've got his phone number.

You ready?

I'll give it to you.

You took my wallet.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Yeah.

Hello?

Yeah.

Why are you giving my number out?

You took my wallet.

No, you, you.

I lost it at the VA hospital.

I'm trying to coordinate you two about the wallet so you guys can figure it out.

She's going to get the wallet.

You don't want to call the cops on you.

But why?

Why?

You put the ad out that you have the wallet.

What are you mad at me about?

Whatever.

I don't know what his problem is.

Anyway, call him.

He'll get you figured out with Sean's wallet, okay?

Okay.

Thank you very much.

Okay.

God bless you.

Bye.

All right.

Bye.

All right.

Cool.

What a little weird situation.

What a clusterfuck.

Yeah.

A little bit of a weird situation there.

But all right.

right that was pretty funny then matt said he was leaving is that what he said he had to leave

yeah he said that uh i guess eda's there oh at the airport or something oh really pick her up

right now oh shit yeah that's big news oh man i would have wished him good luck for that wow

yeah man yeah get ready with them poppers man i hope he's probably all dressed up nicely and

everything he's got his nice gym shorts on probably yeah he probably did yeah yeah all right

well i'm gonna get out of tiny chat because the only person in tiny chat now is spray and if i

i want to look at white people i'll just turn on fucking i don't know what's a good white people

tv show seinfeld there you go i'll watch episodes of seinfeld on hulu he's got a good he's got a

good beard going he does his beard he's got you gotta comb it a little bit every day combing a

little bit with some oil some nice beard oil combing in with a nice beard uh thing yeah because

it's kind of scraggly you gotta take care of that man you gotta moisturize that beard make it nice

and soft the ladies run their uh hands through it when you make out with them or the guys too

whatever spray will be creaming cream in their pants yeah um go down on them that was a whole

weird uh again thank you to senior fancy pants in the chat room who was sending in these craigslist

numbers that we've been doing the last two the wallet ones here's an iphone one luckily hey

luckily we called that lady back because not only did we get to continue the nougat thing um we also

Also, had a pretty good phone call there.

Here's iPhone machine.

That guy's like, don't fucking involve me with this.

Oh, yeah, Matt is drunk, isn't he?

And he's going to the airport to pick her up.

I hope he's not driving.

He doesn't drive, though.

He's taking the L train.

Maybe his mom's taking him.

The person at extension.

Maybe Matt's running a limo.

That's another thing, yeah?

How long is Eda going to be in town, too?

I'm not sure.

They're going to hit the road and go to Cleveland.

That's a big city.

What's the point of going to Cleveland other than the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Is that it?

Well, she wanted to see what real Midwest America is all about.

Okay.

He said she didn't want to go to LA or New York or anything like that.

Why not Michigan or something?

You know?

Yeah, I don't know.

Milwaukee?

Cleveland.

Ugh, damn.

I think they're going to go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

I don't know.

What else are you doing in Cleveland?

I was telling him, you know, hopefully he'll do a show next week.

you can you know you can she can co-host yeah live with them she's a funny cat yeah she is

they make a good couple i hope you know they haven't seen each hopefully they remain strong

when they see each other now all right no answer there here's a lost samsung galaxy s4

it might be winding it down pretty soon here yeah i gotta go in about 15 right right

i don't know why i let that ring out for so long anyway i'm gonna go through request a prank here

hit up some of these uh for the next few minutes they've been stacked all right jose's got a good

point here in chat in skype chat he says he wants us everybody to know that his job is helping to

pay for matt's trip because he's in the same state so his tax dollars are paying for matt

even more so his state benefits and for everyone yeah rbcp checking in hi rbcp hi carlito hi baz

Hey, Arby.

Hey, buddy.

Hi, Baz.

I got a request to prank.

What you doing?

He's gone.

He's gone?

What you doing?

He's there.

I'm still here.

Am I having problems or something?

That's weird.

You're right.

Hey, can I get an I Love Matt button?

Because I love Matt.

Of course.

Yeah.

Next time you send me something.

Yeah.

And I'll send you.

I got to send you something.

Because you've sent me stuff a bunch of times.

Like the book and stickers and stuff.

I like sending people things.

It's nice.

It is nice.

hey where'd you get your train whistle i want to get a train whistle for my show so i can be as

cool as you i got it at the train museum but i bet you can get one online just a wooden train

whistle i actually went there and i was like do they have a gift shop i've always wanted a train

whistle for the madhouse show my wife's like oh god um yeah and they got it yeah well i got one

then my nephew was like i want one i'm like ah shit i gotta buy another one for him i think i

had one when i was a kid or my brother did or something i remember having one okay they have

have a keychain version when it sucks the big one those what's up yeah keychain can't make that

sound it sounded like a whistle whistle uh all right here's someone who's selling a truck rb

you also need to get a dog whistle rb for the next time you call the animal shelters oh yeah

i'd love to see if that really works i i doubt it will but you know over the phone

i want to buy a dog whistle just to test that that's crazy i wouldn't think it would i wouldn't

think that would make it through um yeah i wouldn't think the frequency range of a telephone

would allow that that high of a pitch tone yeah what am i thinking what's mp3 what does mp3 do

to music what's it called oh shit compression i would think the compression would no yeah

motherfucker nougat compression god damn it all right i had to remind nougat all right indian guy

calling in i'm calling back see if he picks up this time you remind him about hey nougat damn it

Hello, motherfucker.

Matterchute.

He'll call again and not say anything like a bitch.

Brad, can you connect them on your end?

You can, can you?

Can you asterisk them?

He's showing you.

No, I can't make them hear each other.

You wouldn't be able to hear them.

It doesn't work like that.

Yeah, I've got to figure that out.

Yeah.

Hey, you've got extra listeners today.

There's a tiny chat called Phone Fuckers.

They're replaying your show.

Yeah.

Should we get the Madhouse Attorneys after them for this?

Definitely.

This is an unauthorized broadcast.

Yeah, I agree.

I think so.

No, I think we need to send a C&D.

This is bullshit.

We need to stop this before it gets out of hand.

Who is doing this now?

It's tinychat.com slash phone fuckers.

Phone fuckers.

Okay, sure, whatever.

No, it's more, hey guys, phone fuckers, motherfuckers.

We got a request to prank here, and I wanted to read this out from James.

He says that words like faggot and nigger hurt some people and are not funny.

They're only used by complete idiots.

I like listening to your shows, but hate speech doesn't add a thing to what is otherwise, most of the time, funny.

It is not 1958.

Please change as society becomes more educated and intelligent.

Thank you.

There you go.

And that's from Horse1723, a.k.a. James.

I don't know.

I don't use those words that much.

If I do, it's in joke.

You know, we can all joke at that.

We can all have fun.

Yeah, why not?

At each other's expense.

spence i call bread honky cracker white guy all the time he's like you're so funny carlito you're

so funny that's what he said every other prank call you like a faggot yeah there you see it

doesn't hurt my feelings we're equal opportunity offenders okay because it's true yeah it's because

it's true it's not slander if it's true anyway uh you know i think matt's going to like a horror

convention or something like and because he always goes to horror conventions in ohio and stuff she

She might be into it, too, right?

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Jose said it's Natacon.

Is that what it is?

I don't know.

That's where him and Spray went to last year, right?

Wasn't it him and Spray?

Jose, Spray, and Matt?

He goes to a lot of these things.

I don't know.

You know, they go to all different horror conventions and film things.

Right, right.

Gotcha.

I don't know.

Okay, okay.

I don't think they're just hanging out randomly in Ohio or anything.

Yeah.

I think they have a plan of some sort.

Alright, I got a new request to prank in here

Let's see what it says

Carlos is the owner of the

Dumbass Secret Society

What? Okay, whatever

Disney employee

Human resources

In Orlando, okay

Okay, yeah, these are from Dashie

He just, I just, he sent them to me

And I just put them in chat

Okay, alright, let me call the

Walt Disney World thing, human resources

Thank you for calling the Walt Disney World

Resort job line

that selection is not recognized please make another choice okay i'm following the phone

tree instructions dash you gave me that didn't work we'll have to listen thank you for calling

the watson's new world resort job line calling hr operations this is lisa

yeah this is willie willie i'm having a hard time hearing you what's your personnel number please

uh i don't know if i should give that out we're supposed to keep that private

your personnel number yeah it's supposed to be private can you look up willie uh no i can't

look up um you buy just willie oh well i haven't gotten my direct deposit i don't know what the

fuck's going on motherfucker oops by the way i'm steamboat steamboat willie get it get it

yeah they could tell you're calling from the uh the what's the ride at disneyland the steamboat

ride i don't know if you were calling until you're the ride operator thank you for calling

Thank you for calling HR Operations.

For English, press 1.

Thank you for calling HR Operations.

This is Margaret Mayhew, your personnel member, please.

Yes, sir.

How are you doing today?

Very good.

And you, Seth?

I'm good, sir.

Thank you.

My name is Willie.

I'm calling about nougat bars.

They haven't come in yet.

Okay.

You're calling the Walt Disney Company?

Yeah.

About the payroll information.

I get paid in candy nougat bars from the Mickey Mouse candy, and they haven't come in yet.

What the fuck, man?

Okay, I'm not familiar with that at all.

Do you have a personnel number?

Yeah.

Ready?

Yep.

You know, we're very busy here.

I can't take a quick call.

Oh, you're busy.

No, ma'am.

So you should tell your calling from the Mark Twain riverboat ride at Disneyland.

Tell you the ride operator.

Oh, well, I'm done with it.

Why is everyone so busy today?

Yeah.

Everybody.

Oh, you're busy.

Yeah.

Well, it is our business day.

It offends people for some reason.

I guess.

It makes them busy.

You're like, oh dude, I hear the trot

I gotta go

Alright, here's Carlos, owner of Dumbass Security Society

Can one of you talk to him?

Because I don't want to talk to him

You on this one, Brad?

Take it, Baz

I don't know what the hell to say

What the hell is this?

I don't know

I'll figure it out as I go

I don't know either, I just figured I'd give you guys a shot

I'm a dumbass

I don't think you have to be smart to join

I'm a dumbass

You have reached the boys' mailbox.

I was going to tell him I had a stupid cat.

That was something I could say.

I'm kind of running out of numbers here, unless Dashie's sending some in.

Let me look.

Wait, you know what that angry guy in England?

Angry guy?

Yeah, sure.

The one that played that prank.

The one that played the prank earlier?

Yeah.

Yeah, hold on.

Let me just get that real quick.

Sure.

I told him that since he didn't let me stay at his house, I had to sleep overnight in a wheelie bin.

And I'm eating some nugget that I found in the bin.

what's a wheelie bin like a wheelbarrow is that what they call a wheelie bin it's like the trash

bins you know with the wheels on them they call them wheelie bins i got you all right that makes

sense actually yeah okay here he is it's better than a lift being an elevator okay a johnson

that's where he did send me this earlier thank you hello hey mr johnson this is david snazwell

calling again remember i was supposed to stay with you but you you wouldn't let me come to your house

so I spent the night inside

remember I called you last night

and I had to sleep in the wheelie bin

and I ate nougat for breakfast

that I found in the wheelie bin

sir

it's all your fault

what are you talking about

are you some type of nutter

are you a nutter or what

I'm a dumbass

I need to go to the asylum

will you take me to the asylum

we'll get you in love

will you drive me sir

that's great

I love when they

hang up

great

okay guys

I'm going to leave

I got the nugget in

you did

we succeeded in our

nougat challenge

I'm done

because I'm kind of

burnt out

it's been three hours

close enough to three hours

that's all I'm saying

well after

if it's longer than

three hours

it takes me forever

they edit the show

you know

it's

it's a long

I'm in the middle

of a three hour

editing

show being edited and it's taking forever

okay

does it take you approximately the same time

as the show to edit I'm just curious

it can if I decide to try to listen

to every little bit of it yeah

so if I skip through it's much

faster but the problem is it

you know like phone numbers might

sneak through or full names and stuff

you know yeah I've been listening to the

entire show lately when I edit

it sounds so much better on the podcast

when I do that but it sucks

to sit there and listen to the whole show

Yeah, but doing the whole show thing, I mark all the times, you know, so I get, like, in my show notes now.

In YouTube, you can just go straight to the prank if you click on, in the notes, if you click on the timestamp.

That's kind of cool.

Yep, yep.

All right, guys, see you laters.

Bye.

Bye, Carlito.

Bye.

They're out of here, thank God.

Again, if you're listening on Madhouse's Showcast, there are nine people still on the Madhouse Showcast.

if you're listening over there

or if you're on the Madhouse Mixler

which I understand there were a few up until

a little bit ago

be sure to switch over to Prank Call Nation

go to prankcallnation.com

there are new shoutcast links

and there are new Mixler links there

a new Mixlink

make sure you're following the correct one

we've switched

alright then, have a great rest of your day

and I'll catch you tomorrow night in theory

I'm talking no to

Calls (28, 1 h 25 min of 2 h 23 min)

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