Cock Smoker

You're listening to Madhouse Live on the largest prank call station in the nation.

Prank call nation.

All right.

We are all here, everybody.

Thank you for joining me, Carlito, on this adventure that we call Madhouse Radio.

Every Thursday night, third show of the week.

Once again, tying a record for the most Madhouse shows that I've done in a week.

as far as i can gather once again tying it i gotta do four in one week and then i'll break

that record that'd be a nice day anyway with me i believe turbo's helping me out tonight turbo you

here yes i am hello mr turbo hello turbo's the host of turbo boost aimed after turbo and it's

on wednesday night same time 10 p.m eastern 7 pacific only on prank call nation.com uh send

in your request of pranks to me if you'd like those are more than welcome over at madhouse

live.com there's an easy to use form over there you guys know this already i don't need to repeat

it you're not you guys aren't new actually yeah i mean every every week i get at least one person

tell me or i see that they've commented in the chat this is their first time being able to join

live and they're real excited i can imagine if you listen to the show for a while a show any show

for a while and you finally get a chance to listen to it live be pretty exciting i'd be excited for

my show i know that but i like prank calls i'm stupid like that but i'm not the only one a whole

bunch of you out here with me also um i already mentioned if you're listening on the shoutcast

we are still simulcasting one more day on shoutcast i don't know if anybody is simulcasting

me on the madhouse the old madhouse mixler um possibly don't know if anybody out there wants

to help me out with that any of you other hosts any of all of you with uh command codes for that

account simulcast me at least so the last of the stragglers finally know that we're at the prank

call nation account anyway if you're listening on shoutcast though you need to update your shoutcast

however it is you listen to it now i got assurances from tune in radio that the app is

updated tested it out for myself just a little bit ago and indeed it is pulling from the new

stream although it doesn't say prank call nation it's saying madhouse radio still so they get the

most important part which is at least keeping the fucking thing working now we just got to get them

to stop calling it the old name madhouse isn't disappearing madhouse exists i am madhouse

carlito is madhouse this show is madhouse radio the network is this prank call nation anyway the

tune-in issue still a work in progress but for the don't worry it won't fail so if you're listening

to us on shoutcast and you're not on tune in radio you need to head over to prank call

nation.com you need to head over to prank call nation.com and get the uh updated shoutcast links

they're under the listen tab there i've got a rudimentary schedule there as well it kind of

shows uh the shows that have a regular schedule which is only four of us uh it's wednesday's

turbo thursday's me friday art of phone marking and saturday brent westwood who really doesn't

and do shows anymore i'm keeping him on there because the last i heard he communicated with me

earlier today or last night and as far as i understand it's just a technical issue he has

he's still working on it um cobra also says he's still interested in doing shows it's just he's

busy so we'll keep that spot open the lucrative saturday night spot but anyway there are more

shows than that that are on the network just not at a set time such as rb with the snowplow show

Baz does a show.

Spray does a show.

Turbo, you go on all the time, not just Wednesday nights.

Anyway.

I've been known to.

Shows all the time.

I would recommend just bookmark that istherashow.com.

Thanks to Dashie for creating that.

It's very handy.

When I get up, usually that's the first tab I open is that,

that first browser window just to see if anybody happens to be on.

And then I just pay attention to the emails that come in after that to inform me.

And that's all.

If you subscribe, I'm Mixler.

so i would recommend if you're listening on shoutcast listen on mixer because you're missing

out on just about all the shows except for mine and brad's okay enough bullshit let me take a look

at request to prank which i already talked about which is your way to send your request to me

oh well forget it lonesome's here already i'm not gonna worry too much about that he's sending

a number already in pigeon forge i mentioned pigeon forge a few weeks ago people seem to not

even know what the fuck it is have you heard ever heard of pigeon forge turbo before i brought it

it up no no i hadn't it's a it's like a very conservative evangelical christian uh las vegas

basically uh no gambling okay and very little alcohol consumption matter of fact i think i

think it's dry i think it's a dry um a dry city or dry county i don't think there's any alcohol

to be had as far as that sounds like hell on earth i mean it's got attractions and shows and

stuff like that but you can't gamble you can't get drunk just about the only thing you can do

that's a vice is maybe smoke cigar and eat at the buffet every night let your hair down so that's

where you go if branson's too edgy for you okay pretty much yeah well branson isn't bad they got

yak off smearing up yeah i'd go just for that i that's probably all i do see yak off thank you

for calling the interject on this square hey how you doing boy fine how can i help you where can i

get a beer around this place this motherfucker cross the streets that beer revolution oh you're

in oakland right uh-huh oh i thought i thought i was calling the place in uh pigeon forge oh okay

no shit well that sucked okay all right bye bye i don't know what to say to her i was caught off

guard i want to talk to her for you i'll call her back get back to her grand resort hotel and

convention center in pigeon forge this is what i meant to call man i gotta buy uh there's this

device that tabachi told me to get that it's like a grounding device um i need that because there's

a really bad interference smoky shadows tracy speaking yeah hey where can i get a beer around

this motherfucker a beer yeah in pigeon forge yeah like i smuggled some in and i already drank

it all last night i need i gotta go drunk i don't know where you can get a beer what do you mean

there's a liquor store the bar like i went all around the hotel that's like no come on like here

in the hotel five minutes away why don't you have a bar here and shit okay i don't know sorry don't

be upset don't get mad come on man that's bullshit turbo you can act incredulous about it too if you

want hey the train's coming in i'm gonna put uh turbo on the line he's real upset about it too

He's sober, so he won't get mad, probably.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I'm sober, but not by choice.

Why can't I get a beer around here?

I don't know.

I don't run the town of Pigeon Forge.

It was a dry town until up to a year ago.

Oh, okay.

So I have to make it myself?

I mean, I can get some sugar water together here.

And then maybe get a yeast culture from your vagina?

Good grief.

We can make some pruno.

Pruno.

Yeah.

Vaginal Pruno.

Don't tell her I need the recipe for Pruno.

Or that I have it.

I doubt she'll answer it this time.

The Desert Inn in Daytona Beach.

I know this place.

This is a nasty fucking hotel we're about to call.

Gentlemen, let's see.

Hooray.

Thank you for calling the Desert Inn Resort and Convention Complex,

located on the ocean in Daytona Beach.

For Desert Inn room reservations, press 3 at any time.

After the tone, please record your...

Well, then let me do another one.

Fucking shit.

This is a motel.

We're able to hit one, and then you can put in a guest room number after that.

Thank you for calling the Desert Inn Resort and Convention Complex.

Sorry, I tried 112.

Located on the ocean in Daytona Beach.

The party you requested is not available.

All right, I'm calling back just to talk to the desk.

Thank you for calling the Desert Inn Resort and Convention Complex.

Please hold while your call is being transferred to extension number 2330.

If I remember correctly, there were a lot of professional women that stayed here, if you know what I mean.

Good evening, Desert Inn, Christy.

Hey, honey, how are you?

Good, how are you?

Is this a good place to bring my family to?

Like, is it clean?

You guys don't have, like, condoms, a lot of condoms here and stuff?

Not that I'm aware of, there's not.

No?

Because it's a motel, and they were telling me it's, like, in a bad area in Daytona Beach.

No, it's right on the beach.

I mean, it's right on the strip, so if the strip's a bad area, then...

Yeah?

It used to be pretty bad, because there used to be a lot of pedophiles that hang out by the bandshell, remember?

No, could you hang on a second?

Yeah, you remember those pedophiles?

Plus an indoor heated pool.

There were.

A state-of-the-art health club with sauna and steam room.

And there were three teenage prostitute boys.

The best Florida vacation memories are made at the Deserty New York and Convention Complex.

They were all runaways.

Any drugs?

I don't know.

I just always knew about the don't go by the banjo at night because they'll want to fuck you for money.

Hey, it took you a while, huh?

Yeah, I'm checking someone in, actually, so you'll have to hang on a little bit.

Oh, are they black people or where are they?

She didn't like that.

I'm going to call her back.

Fuck it.

Terri, would you mind if I tell you just do a call?

Thank you for calling the Desert Inn Resort and Convention Complex,

located on the ocean in Daytona Beach.

Please hold while your call is being transferred to extension number.

Anyway, what I was trying to say is,

do you mind when I say that, like, you know, do this call?

You know what I mean?

Does it bother you at all?

Oh, no, no, no.

Not at all.

Mr. Dane, could you help, please?

Okay.

Hey, in Daytona Beach.

She didn't ask.

She just said.

These black people are taking a long time to check in.

They sure do take a long time.

Well, they're deposits in cash, usually.

Oh, right, right.

From the payday loan.

22 over there.

They shouldn't be getting slammed.

Yeah, it's Thursday.

Well, it's Thursday.

Yeah, that too.

Fuck it.

You know what?

It's probably still spring break.

Well, spring break heads into Black's break week.

uh it it starts out there's a week for everything it starts off with not black bike week it starts

off with race week then bike week then canadian spring break then white people spring break then

black people spring break and after that i think it's gay weeks wow yeah they make a whole bunch

of money they used to make a lot more money when mtv used to come out and shit back when it was

in the 90s when they used to be all weekend and that's all anyone did was watch it

at least that's what i remember yeah yeah me too it brought a bunch of crowds and because everyone

would wreck the the hotel rooms it was really bad like it ended up being like they would have

at least five people that fell off a balcony drunk and died and all the high school kids like

we would go and skip school for that whole week and go and hang out do underage drinking because

it was really easy to get alcohol so they started cracking down at that point and then all the

damage in the hotels like hotels started like closing they didn't want to open and then black

spring break at the week after that was even worse because they were just like freaking like rowdy

rioting kind of and like hotels were just straight up closed and then stores stores were straight up

closed and the media the local media was the news media locally was like like what the fuck like

Seriously, the only time of year you guys closed,

especially when you have so many people,

is because it's the Black Spring Break kids.

What kind of excuse were they using for this?

They just said that they just kept getting a bunch of damage.

It was too much damage and stealing and too crazy.

So they had to stop.

They didn't want them coming in, especially the hotel rooms.

Well, then the NAACP started to stink about it.

So they said, okay, we're open.

but they would take away the entire hotel would put away every single piece of art and like the

majority of the furniture would be put away and in a lot of cases they would even put away like

their radios and tvs and clocks and stuff in the rooms they would seal them all up somewhere

because they didn't want them to get broken or stolen it's just like a bare room with a bed and

yeah sink and a toilet yeah then yeah then they started a policy that like you had to be 30 and

over just for that week to book a room that was okay so then the students couldn't yeah it was

crazy yeah anyway so the city of daytona beach said that we're gonna kick out mtv it's too

negative on the city and lake tavasu was like or lake havasu is that what it's called they were

like fuck yeah motherfucker come on motherfucker bring it in bring all that money over here and

then went to lake havasu crazy stuff and now that daytona beach is like a dead fucking town it's a

a dirt dirt town yeah well i mean they're still the races yeah give me a second please hang on

anyway so looking at my numbers here hotel carter is in new york city go go go skype go go quite

the profile you got there turbo i like it interracial western hentai oh yeah yeah that one

that's uh there's a whole series of these images that was made for wikipedia to illustrate articles

on various sex acts i downloaded all of them that would appear to be the cum shot or the pearl

necklace i'm presuming yeah i'm not sure which one that was on i'm seeing the analingus one i'm

presuming yeah yeah that one's pretty cut and dry yeah it's pretty easy that one i know i'm very

familiar with it let me take a look at request a prank see if anything came in we had some that

had come in yesterday and i may have hit this because i did a show yesterday i wasn't sure

sure what time they came in uh the oldest one is from uh pickle this is actually from two days ago

i presume i already did this unless i missed it uh pickle wants me to call someone named steve

and tell him i'm a cat burglar i'm gonna pass on that just because it's yeah yeah just i think

there's an inside joke he had a cat burglar hit and i'm not gonna call and say i'm a cat

why would a cat burglar call back anyway let the cat burglar on uh the simpsons that made a media

appearance and everything yeah he called into nightline or whatever the version of nightline

they have to um to tease homer i have these pearls i think that's what he says i don't know

if you want to yeah yeah i think you're right hello homer i'm here with these pearls this

saxophone and i believe homer starts strangling the cameraman or the producer or something like

My daughter's saxophone.

A dog walker is needed.

Hello?

Hey, bro, did you need a dog walker?

I already found one.

Well, I'm more of a dog runner.

You're a walker?

A dog runner.

I really work the fuck out of the dog.

I work out all the time.

I lift and everything, and I go jogging every morning five miles early.

Gosh, I don't know.

I kind of think it's weird to address me by the address, hey, girl.

I'm already kind of scared of you.

oh okay i'm sorry more like big girl is that what would be more appropriate oh hello hello are you

the person who had the ad did i identify myself as female in the ad yeah oh i gave my name but

you could say is this kathy so that's the way it is oh are you employed are you employed

and you have anything uh i'm a yeah i'm a sponsored bodybuilder you're a sponsored what

A sponsored bodybuilder, and I have a YouTube channel with 180,000 subscribers.

Wait, I didn't understand what you had.

A sponsored water builder?

Sponsored bodybuilder.

Oh, my God.

Do you have, like, a hearing thing?

Do you have hearing aids?

I don't want to look at body...

I can't...

I'm not into bodybuilding, but that's not employment.

Do you do anything like work?

I like my other one better.

I like my other dog walker better.

It's normal.

She's a normal human.

Bye.

Oh, she's a dyke.

She didn't even let me explain my situation.

boo-hoo okay that was what it was moving right along here excuse me these are numbers from dash

but he asked me not to do them that he was going to pass them on to someone else and get me fresh

twitter complainers tonight so i will ignore those i know that i made a note to myself there

okay this one here says uh no name given it's a craigslist ad out of la selling assless chaps

hot leather chaps large and they're a hundred dollars you know i never knew how much i guess

I guess a pair of assless chaps would be pretty expensive.

It is quite a bit of leather, depending on the size.

I mean, if you get, like, a big man size, assless chaps are going to cost quite a bit.

Turbo has stepped out.

For those of you...

I'm back.

Oh, you're back.

All right.

But, yeah, I guess assless chaps would take a lot of work to make and whatnot.

Yeah, there's no, like, good size on them.

Yeah, hi.

You got the assless chaps?

Pardon me?

You got the assless chaps?

Yeah.

Okay.

Why are you talking like that?

Who is this?

This is Eddie.

You have assless chaps, right?

You're advertised in Craigslist?

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

You still have them.

Cool.

How long did you wear them for?

How many times?

A lot?

Why hang up?

I wasn't being weird or nothing.

Fuck.

Hey, Matt.

What's up?

Hey.

I was talking to Zax.

You want to add him, too?

If this woman man here answers, talk to them.

Yeah.

Chaps.

Yeah.

What about the chaps?

Yeah.

They're assless, correct?

correct?

Yes.

Yeah.

Why'd you hang up

on my friend?

Well,

because

the chap

know

we're in coverage

and then he asked

me how

Christ,

lady,

would you get

your pussy juices

all over him

or what?

Is it a lady

or is this a really

effeminate man?

I don't know.

It's funny

anyway.

Nancy,

wait.

They don't look that big.

I think it's a lady.

Might be a butch lesbian

Robin, you can't come to the phone right now

Robin

No, that could go either way

Even that's androgynous

Yeah, it's like Pat

Hi guys, hi Turbo

Hey Maddie

Hey Carlito

Hey Zach

We're listening to you guys on fucking Skype

Oh, okay

Yeah, I messaged you

Yeah, I was in full screen

we're just listening

Ken's here also

this is Robin you want the chaps or what

I'm just having a fucking bourbon

and a smoke

I like that brand name hot leathers

and flaming letters

it's awesome

does shit just get real yo

what in the chat room

no

it's nice everybody's here

let me check request a prank again

I don't think there's anything here

no there's not i uh i was talking how much i love your like love music dude oh yeah the build-up

music like that like countdown oh yeah yeah yeah yeah i've been meaning to update that

i try to update the little build-up little intro stuff at least once a year and it's behind yeah

but it's a good one everyone seems to like that one i've kept it in rotation for a while i was

commenting on that

Zaxx event.

Cool. Hey, I got tons of

restaurants in California.

I'm going to name out

some restaurant types if anybody

wants one, call it

Cambodian. Oh, I want

to talk to them. They pretty much take it in the ass from

everybody, don't they?

Americans kick their ass, Vietnamese,

Chinese. I only listen

to the intro because of the

Hitler speech. That's why I put

it in there for your demographic. Somebody said

That's for the racist, Demo.

Yeah, hey, you guys get your asses kicked by everybody, right?

You guys get your asses kicked by everybody?

What's that mean?

Well, you know, like, the Vietnam, Vietnamese, they kick your ass.

United States kicks your ass.

China kicks your ass.

And why they kick my ass for?

Cambodia always gets its ass kicked by everybody.

And they just sit there like...

Come on, do you want to order some food?

Well, is it wimpy food, not very hot and spicy because you guys are kind of weak, you know, like your manner?

Okay, and bye then. I'm so busy. I don't have time to talk to you.

Do your men get erections or no?

Or no. There wouldn't be any more of them if they didn't.

Oh, no, they just jerk off.

Enigma sent you something, Carlito.

Okay, Enigma.

Sounds like a secret package.

Oh, okay. Request a prank was down for a little bit, but it's covered.

But the mall restaurant may have you?

Yeah, I wanted to make an order.

Okay, go ahead.

What would you like?

One Pol Pot.

What is that?

Pol Pot.

Pol Pot?

Yeah, one Pol Pot.

I don't have that.

Then I heard there's a good Cambodian thing called Pol Pot.

It has a lot of...

I don't...

A lot of...

It's no name food for that.

It has a lot of skulls in it, you know?

Probably you go find yourself.

Was that you guys or Laos?

I don't remember.

It's a holiday.

I don't know.

I don't know who you are.

Where's Pol Pot?

Don't forget to fuck your wife.

It's a holiday in Cambodia.

Don't forget to back your wife.

Pol Pot.

No.

It's Cambodia.

Is it Cambodia?

Yeah.

It was Cambodia.

Sing the song.

You'll work harder with a gun in your back for a bowl of rice a day.

I didn't know that was a song.

I thought you were just making it up on the fly.

Oh, I wish.

Who's it by?

The Butthole Surfers?

That's Den Kennedy's.

Oh, man.

I don't know why I said butthole surfers.

I just guessed a few times.

Dude, I love the butthole surfers.

Detachable Penis is a great song.

That's King Missile.

Jesus.

You're like, oh, whatever.

White Vibe Music is all the same.

Here's Tim the Drunk.

G-Man sends in a number for Tim.

Is there any reason I shouldn't take numbers from G-Man?

Is he on a blacklist?

I don't know.

I don't know if anything matters anymore, man.

I don't know either.

I'm going to move to the shitter's studio.

I'll be back in a minute.

Good acoustics there.

I've got to tell Matt.

There's a big YouTube war here again.

Hello, please leave a message.

Big YouTube war again about Matt in the YouTube comments

for the last live show that we did yesterday afternoon.

I've got to tell him about that.

It always fucking happens.

I've been working my way through that.

It's really resonating because, you know, I grew up in Phoenix.

That's cool.

It failed halfway through.

I don't know why.

There's like, I think it's like 13 minutes I counted that got messed up there.

Sorry, guys.

And I think it was a good prank, too.

But it's on the Mixer Show Reel, and eventually I'll be able to edit it,

and I'll repost it on YouTube.

Completed.

In stereo.

Okay.

Going back to the Lonesome Loser confirmation window.

He sends in a Vietnamese restaurant.

There's a Chinese place here.

We've got a few Indians.

Another Cambodian.

um saigon i guess is vietnamese nature vegetarian we can call them i hope it's like hippie girls

right yeah yeah it's in oakland i don't know there's a lot of asians up in oakland zacks

where are you from are you in australia new zealand where are you or south africa newcastle

great britain newcastle great britain all right i didn't mean to i think it sounds fucked up i can

kind of hear him but kind of not you're kind of low hello nature hey how are you hi hey are you

you asian yeah what kind of asian are you the

food here.

What?

Yeah.

What kind of food?

Chinese fried.

Chinese vegetarian food?

Yeah.

Oh, nice, nice.

What do you recommend?

What's your chicken that you have there?

I have the sesame chicken.

I thought you were a vegetarian restaurant.

Yeah.

That makes perfect sense.

I'm about to go

choke myself now in the balls.

My dick and balls are going to choke them really fucking hard.

I'm sorry. What do you mean?

You're really fucking pissing me off.

Hey, I'm talking to you.

Ken, call her on your cell phone.

Want me to call her on my cell?

Tell her to hurry the fuck up.

Hey, hang on.

I don't think they have three lines.

You can try.

Did you say my son was too low before?

it was now that you sent a pretty good right now though oh my god grant me

patience Lord Jesus this is really rude I appreciate this call now Dwight call

Call, kid, call.

Hello?

Yeah, what happened?

Why did you do that?

I'm sorry.

Another phone call.

You didn't tell me.

Yeah, I tell you to wait a minute.

I'm sorry.

I know, but you could have told me, like, hey, you know, I'm going to be a second.

Okay.

So what are you doing?

You want something to go or you want me to help you?

Yeah, you can help me.

I wanted to see about that chicken, but, oh, yeah, I was going to get mad because you said you're vegetarian,

but you have chicken and it doesn't make any sense, you know?

Yeah, the chicken is the soy.

That's not chicken.

Yeah, this is the veal chicken.

Oh, yeah? And is it good? Is it good?

Yes.

Yeah? Be sure.

Do you need to get that? Do you want to get that?

You want to try something?

You want to get that phone?

Yeah.

All right, go get the phone and I'll be here.

Okay. Okay.

All right.

It's the new guest calling.

Hello?

This is phone number.

Who is she talking to?

uh okay did you have her can or was that you man that had her i ain't calling me i just i moved to

the fucking shitter hello sir hey what do you feel about laugh track matt you like him like or do you

like milkman more i'm sorry do you like laugh track mad or milkman more oh jeez i don't you're

putting this bro on the spot i don't even like this argument milkman's awesome lady milkman's

this shit, alright?

He's full of nougat.

He's fucking awesome.

Yeah, where's he been?

I haven't talked to him.

What kind of Chinese food is this, bro?

Yeah, what kind of Chinese food you got, bitch?

What are you doing?

Is he doing this?

Is he talking to you?

Hey, why don't you get that on the line, bitch?

Pick the phone up.

Hello? Panties wet or what?

Come on, pick up.

I was about to call her from my cell phone

myself did you did you call her blocked

can you call her blocked or no yeah you

call her blocked all right cool I'll call

it from a different number

I just plugged my phone and I'm like

nobody's gonna be pranking that the only

ever one that ever does is fucking Ken

now you're fucking calling people like

please don't call my phone

I don't want to go through all right well there might be something fun we can do just keep calling

someone like that over and over again if they have two lines oh yeah I was uh youtube comments

or something yeah the reason I brought that up because of the youtube comments have you seen

the new youtube comments on the latest the latest video the um the show from yesterday you were on

the one from yesterday right yeah yeah it was super fun yeah go in there and I'll give you a

link go and look at the comments because you usually you usually always follow the comments

uh it's it's people i love them and call them nancy boys yeah it's a bunch of haters and lovers

right now it's one of those things i like when they get in arguments with themselves hello hello

i was looking for carlos why um i just need a hand on practice for the studio equipment

yeah um i was just wondering if it was still available um well make an offer um i don't know

exactly what it was i just didn't have it right now um can you text me exactly what you have um

well it's got like a few volume controls on it you know and inputs it has a few inputs on it

okay yeah does that help you what do you know the brand the model anything well to be honest i took

all the labels off of it i have this thing about picking at stuff you know what i mean so there's

There's nothing, like all the writing, I crossed it out with a black marker.

But you can probably figure, you can YouTube it, you know?

You can go on a YouTube and find out what was there before and write it in yourself.

You want to try that?

No?

All right.

Please.

I'll get it for you.

Just go to the Madhouse.

It's the latest video on my YouTube channel.

It's Madhouse Sliver.

Something like that, yeah.

Madhouse Radio.

Give me a second here.

Yeah, I got Madhouse Radio.

oh it's live now we're on the youtubes now yeah yeah well i guess that would be the last video

yeah but look look for the other one there's the uh the one from yesterday yeah go off for

wednesday wednesday yeah yeah every day is the same when you're getting drunk yeah well i found

like i found like when i'm not working it's been like that just you know i don't know everything

and i gotta work on monday i gotta go back to work it's gonna suck so i won't be i won't be

doing dates well i will be doing daytime shows daytime shows but on tuesdays only his

and won't call him out and he's not funny he repeats nougat until it isn't funny anymore

while everyone else what maintains balance he just thinks he can spam comedy the more you say

that the fuck the

else maintains the balance.

Oh no, that's the second thing.

The last is funny dummy.

He needed something

to say racist things to black

people. Then he writes even

more. This guy's the top.

Yeah, he goes on a rant.

That's way too in-depth for a YouTube

comment. He wrote more

for Euro. He gave you a

scathing review.

This is one of these fuckers who goes on Yelp

and reviews 7-Eleven.

He's got a picture.

Look, I'm going to rock on that.

Yeah, fuck you.

That's awesome.

What a nice guy.

Rock on X, Y, Z, Q, W, A.

I'm calling you out.

You're awesome with your work picture.

Okay.

G-Man sends in a snake for sale.

All right.

But he just sent in the ad.

A snake for sale.

Make a fucking belt out of it.

i got a friend that has

hold up

yeah there was a whole rating number thing going on yeah

i'm giving them all these thumbs up yeah yeah i thought you'd get a kick out of that i wanted

to make sure i told you about that if you hadn't seen them because normally you respond really

quick to that shit when they were doing that before so i hadn't seen your responses i figured

you weren't watching it so there you go okay um oh it's a friendly snake i'll talk to this

fucker about this snake yeah yeah it is whoever your wife's are you fuck you it's a bitch ass

snake fuck that snake tell me you're irish and you're just gonna beat it in the head

I'm gonna burn him.

Another showroom.

How you doing there, buddy?

I'm calling about your snake.

What am I supposed to do then, buddy?

I wanted the snake to turn into a fucking belt.

Fucking asshole.

You want some of this? You want to get the fist fight, asshole?

Only Turbo can challenge people to fist fights

and get them to agree to it.

Have you spread meat?

Tell him to meet you at the strip club.

I'll be right back as soon as we get it.

I have a telling.

You message.

We get it.

All right.

He's not going to play anymore.

He turned off his phone straight up.

It's not even really ringing.

It doesn't sound like it was going right to the cell phone.

This other character said, Baz is the only person who doesn't suck here.

But then he spelled Baz all wrong.

Yeah.

It was probably Baz writing the review, and he spelled his name wrong on purpose.

Baz is the only one that's fucking awesome.

look at today's video too when you get a chance

because there might be comments in there

about you

well I'm looking at it

I have a comment tracker and it's not

popping anything up

I don't know how much it works though

sometimes it doesn't

hey guys I need to go to bed now

it's like

it's going up to 3am I've got college in the morning

can I come with you

oh sure thing

thanks for having me on

you guys have fun

bye

don't let the bed boogs bite

the bed boogs

someone's got a recording studio

for sale in Maine

and his name is Roger

imagine that

that kind of sounds like an asshole

name Roger

I grouped the first name

name roger right up there with like brett just just asshole name yeah bryce too yeah

well this isn't a studio this is equipment for a studio okay yeah you're right what's

the whole studio teach me how to get an irc client going because i hate the web

yeah hi there you're you're selling the studio

It's been known to happen.

Oh, okay.

How many square feet is this studio?

The studio building is on sale.

Um, well, it says complete recording studio at the top.

That's correct.

We're applying a building.

Gear, the cables, the mics.

So you're saying you're a liar, sir.

No, sir.

Okay, well, what's the scam here?

You know, I was expecting to purchase a building here, and it's just some equipment.

Well, you can't purchase a house.

I think my wife would like that.

I think she might get upset.

Okay, would you get upset if I hit you over the head with a mic?

Because I don't like people who lie and scam on Craigslist.

What's your fucking problem, man?

Okay, then why are you lying in your Craigslist post?

It says, complete recording studio.

I mean, really, do I have to hash this out to you?

you. Presumably you're literate because

you posted this advertisement, right?

And I mean that you can read it.

Yeah, well, it says

complete recording studio.

Not studio gear.

Not equipment.

I don't know if you fucking posted so many

goddamn pictures. You really

think I'm going to look through all this fucking shit?

Yeah, 24 fucking

pictures. Yeah.

No building.

No building in the description.

There's no building in the description.

Okay, so it justifies you lying in the title of the advertisement.

Whatever you put in the just...

Sir, are you interested in the studio equipment, sir, or are you not?

I'm interested in the goddamn studio with the goddamn building, and you better deliver.

Uh, well, sir, I don't think you're going to want to move to our state.

Excuse me?

I don't think you're going to want to move to our state, sir.

Is that it, Fred?

I don't think you're going to want to move to our state, sir.

You're a fucking weirdo.

Okay, you all set, sir?

No, I'm not all set.

I want to know why you lie in the fucking title set.

Are you a fucking robot or something?

It's just like, does not compute.

Yes.

That's why I'm calling you.

But apparently you're a scammer.

Yes, I'm calling Maine.

Yes.

I was looking for a studio building in Maine.

Well, I can call a realtor friend of mine tomorrow. I can actually call my friend Glenn, and if there's any space available, sir, I'll definitely let him get back to you. As a realtor, he would know the way, and they would be available in Maine for that type of equipment. He may be able to find you a building.

No, you're going to buy the equipment, and I'll have a realtor sell you a building. There's no building in my ad, and there's no picture of a building in my ad, sir.

No, your title implies a building.

A studio is a building.

No, sir, it is not.

Oh, sir, it is not.

Yes, it is.

No, sir.

A studio is a building.

You would be incorrect, sir.

Oh, okay.

So I can just take all your gear and put that down.

No building.

No implication of a building.

No building.

No pictures of a building, as a matter of fact.

You can't see a building.

The title says complete recording studio, sir.

If you look in the picture, actually, you can't even see a building.

I'm going to put my attorney on the phone, because this is misleading.

Well, since you're talking to one, go on.

Hello, sir.

It does sound Jewish.

It appears that you pulled a bait and switch on my client.

Is this true?

How do you respond?

It appears that you folks are...

Guilty or not guilty?

There's nothing better to do...

Respond, asshole.

What I would suggest you do is have a pizza, a beer...

Well, I'm thinking I'm going to have a nice night with your wife and fuck her in the ass.

Okay, well, sir, if you wish to try that, come on down and make a move.

Okay, I sure will.

What is your address?

Alright, that'd be awesome.

What is your address? Report.

My address is not in the ad.

I will look up your address by the way.

There's also no address in the ad.

Are you a Jew lawyer?

I'm anything you want me to be, sir.

What do you want me to be?

You sound like you are.

We'd like you to be an honest person.

He was so odd.

That's a dude that would

fucking just murder you

and not care about you.

I'd call him sir.

as i was cutting his throat he's being fucking weird turbo's like you got uh studio for sale

and the guy's like it's been known to happen but known to happen that just threw me off right off

the bat it's like what whatever yeah okay hey um before that before we continue here is um people

who are replying to that annoying craigslist ad and i've replied them back with get it out of your

your ass and they're replying back angry here's number one let's see can i yell at him yeah go

ahead all right hi you've reached colby please leave a message and i'll be happy to it's colby

from survivor tough man on the fucking text message machine named colby i got plenty more

don't worry he's a bitch yeah he replied back if you don't have it you can say nicely uh

he needs not tell us how to run our business on the craigslist all right here's someone that i

said get it out of your ass they said i'm interested they replied back and then it said

where are you located hello with three question marks i'm gonna say shit damn it and we're gonna

call real quick shit damn it let me give it a few seconds to go through oh here's someone that said

lol good one these people with their senses of humor yeah we got this one asshole that puts all

these ads out because he's a motherfucker yeah he's annoying i need to learn how to use them

Now Matt's all self-conscious.

Maybe some good came out of this.

I used to not know, like, when I took my headphone off.

Hang on. Clank.

Hey, what's your problem there, buddy?

You can send these fucking tough guy text messages back and forth,

but you can't give me a telephone call or what?

No, I did try to call you, man.

Is this Carlos?

Yeah, this is Carlos.

Kind of three-foot loop.

I got the South of the Border name, and I'm actually Italian.

How you doing?

Yes, sir.

I know guys named Mario who are from...

Yeah, okay.

So, you're looking for my equipment?

Is that what you're looking for?

Yeah, and I'd probably be happy to pay for some of it, too, man.

Oh, no, no.

See, I didn't mean to yell at you like that.

I thought you were the guy looking for my Teletubby collection.

Some guy was being tough on the phone.

I think I sent a wrong message out to you instead of this other guy.

All right.

Teletubbies.

All right.

I got an ad for some Teletubbies.

I got some action figures.

is my three-year-old daughter didn't clean up her room,

so I took the Teletubbies away.

I'm going to sell them, teach her a lesson.

Okay.

I'm a strict parent.

Right on.

If you can't tell, I like to get shit done.

Yeah, I'm cool with that, man.

You know, I just, you know, I saw you had some old stuff,

and I thought, you know, give the guy, you know, a ring, a ding-ding.

Yeah, I actually went ahead and took it from my parents' house.

They're getting old, and I don't think they really need it anymore.

I mean, my dad, he still wanted it, but I told him, I said,

hey, you know what?

You can't use this anymore, so I took it.

It's mine now.

But now you're going to give it away.

That's how I am.

I mean, I just told you about what I'm doing to my kid for not cleaning the room.

You think I went to my father who's in a wheelchair or what?

If he doesn't get that thing right, I'm going to take the wheelchair away.

Where are you from?

I'm originally from New Jersey, but I'm over here in Maine right now.

You're in Maine?

Yeah, I'm in Maine.

Okay, because you posted in Phoenix, Arizona.

Yeah, that's no problem because I'm heading out that way.

So if I ever get something done out that way next week,

I'm going to trek through there on my way out to Los Angeles.

Okay.

So, yeah, I have no problem dropping this stuff off

or even bringing it along with me if you want to take a look at it first.

It's no problem.

problem oh man you know like i said i was you know i'm happy to try and help you man i'm not

gonna i i'm not kind of the kind of guy who takes things for free you know i figure if you had some

good stuff i'd offer you some money for it oh yeah that sounds pretty good you know yeah you

know gas money's always good i'm not trying to get richer hey what's that in the background it

sounds like uh somebody's in the background there here yeah is it some kids or something

No, I got a dog.

I thought I heard some kids talking or something.

No, you might have heard the TV.

I came out late.

That could have been.

So, like, yeah, I've got this old stuff here.

And I got this, like, five-gallon drum of lube I got to take over to L.A.

I had something on consignment.

I got to take over to this, I guess it's a porn set or something.

They ordered this thing, so I got to run it out there.

They're paying me some top dollar.

So that's why I'm heading out to there next week.

You don't sound like you're from Jersey.

That's exactly where I'm from there, pal.

You got a fucking problem with my accent there?

You calling me out on this shit or what?

I'm just saying, what part of Jersey?

From fucking Trenton, New Jersey.

What the fuck is that?

What the fuck is that throwing about?

Fucking Trenton.

Think you're better than me?

I might be.

You think you're a whole new motherfucker?

Me and my boy, we're going to come out there

and we're going to fucking put you in this drum of lube

and fuck you silly there, buddy.

And four.

Because you think you're better than me.

You're fucking talking down to me.

I'm going to come on out there.

I'm going to slap you with a mop.

You don't sound like you're from Trenton.

Hey, hey, hey, Treblak, grab that other phone.

Hey, hey, you got my brother all upset here.

What's going on with that?

Okay.

What streets are you on?

Well, we're in Maine right now.

We're going down to Phoenix, though.

That's where you're at, right?

This motherfucker thinks he's better than us

Yeah we got a house

We got a rental property

In Arcadia you know

Just north of Camelback

I'm gonna eat some

Fucking red meat and I'm gonna rape his dog

I'm gonna fuck your dog buddy

I'm gonna make you watch

I'm gonna fuck your dog and make you watch

You know you guys

You got a good point Glenn

This guy sounds soft as fuck

He's a soft bottom motherfucker

Get it out of you

You said that I was rude

That we were rude

Come over

Why don't you come over

We'll have a PBR

Yeah

And then we'll

We'll have a masturbation contest

Is that what you want?

Yeah

Sure why not

Okay alright

Can we go

I'm drinking PBRs right now buddy

Can I come over?

This is Matty

Yeah

You guys

I got three pounders left

But I'm gonna need more man

Tell them they made a movie in your town

Fuck it what

Well, the guy, first off, I didn't know where the ad was placed at.

So, like, I'm in Maine, and the guy's like, you placed it in Phoenix.

I'm like, oh, fuck.

Scramble, scramble, scramble.

My fucking cohort, Zax, was doing maps from my house to this hour on the show.

And I was talking about how close it was to me.

He's like, look, it's right here.

Here's this house.

Door-to-door directions.

connections look uh all right here's the guy that said that we're douchebags that i'm a

douchebag for wasting his time i posted that one in the skype chat like

the conversation you had with him.

Yeah.

You have reached mailbox number 6025.

Who's the douchebag now?

He's the one who won't answer.

That's all you're at on Craigslist about the equipment.

I'll come take it off your hands tonight.

Just let me know.

Carly, don't go get it out of my hands

I was like, what the fuck

Why, what did I do

The guy that we just talked to

The guy that you guys were all talking to

He was in between the time where I said

I'm texting him now, okay, I'm calling him now

He had sent back, that was rude

Like he had literally just

Hit send and it probably started ringing

That was rude

This other guy is like obsessive

Carlos, are you there?

Hello, where are you?

Yeah.

That's the dude.

He posted, we're using my real name, et cetera, et cetera.

All right.

Dear God, are you there?

Hello.

Sorry, I'm replying to some of these here real quick.

I'm putting more about it being in my ass.

Enigma's going to hire a C-Client tomorrow.

Got it.

One second.

See, Carlito, it's a good place to store the equipment in your ass.

It is.

It's in your butt, baby.

It's in your butt.

Here, I just sent one like that.

This one says, I'll put it in your butt, boy.

Well, that's the one in Scottsdale.

Tasty.

Okay, the guy that we just talked to, he said, smart, but you need a bit of work on your accent and be well, guys.

So there you go.

And he still, after that, would be well.

He still replied to it.

Okay.

We got voicemails regarding this also.

Dude, I love your look.

Thank you.

Yeah, it's all MF Doom that I've been playing lately.

So you were wondering.

I know.

Yeah.

All right.

here's someone who i haven't said anything to but they left a voicemail interested let me call back

and i'll just be rude from the start been sleeping with my wife yeah hey you left me a voicemail

about the equipment yeah i was wondering um yeah i was just wondering like what all you had and

when you can come pick it up oh yeah um yeah totally man i've got a mackie uh with a power

Power supply, an ADAT HD24XR, TASCAM 901.

I got a Numark MP102.

Got a whole bunch of cables.

Okay.

I got a whole ton of stuff, a ton of more stuff.

I got a Multigate Behringer Multigate, Mike.

I'm sorry, and I got a Sennheiser E905, Mike.

Okay.

And I got a couple Shure.

I got a Shure M94 and a 58.

Okay.

There's a lot more stuff in here.

Here, I got a head amp.

Yeah, if you want to get...

Did you want to get them?

Yeah, I mean, if we come to you, that'd be awesome.

Yeah, why don't you come and get it out of my fucking ass?

All right, man, sounds good.

So, why do you want to get rid of the other stuff?

Because I want you to come get it out of my ass.

It's up my ass.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

So, should I bring a shovel, or...

Turbo, say something to them.

They're wanting to joke around, and I'm not in the mood for it.

What's that?

that yeah bring it bring the fucking front loader there buddy there's gonna be a lot of shit to

clean up oh yeah oh sick and then i'm gonna take your wife in the back on i'm gonna plow her in

the ass oh nougat was shit whatever christian's getting angry tonight all right here's the guy

that i was like all these people everyone's real chill all right they're like whatever friend

all right here's the guy said put it in your butt boy or i'll put it in your butt boy this one's

for matt matt if they answer you can have it but he's an asshole he's a motherfucker your call has

been forwarded to an automated voice all right never mind here's someone else you should get

that like dramatic music that dun dun dun so like just when they answer the phone you fucking blast

it at them okay i don't i don't know why i think that'd be funny but it would be that that's a

the loser oh the price is right yeah

that's the exact opposite of the ding ding ding

ding ding that's the wrong one oh it's this one hello hello hello do you want hello hi you got

a hold of me about the studio equipment uh yeah oh okay uh why don't you get it out of your

oh huh okay oh oh even he didn't get mad

same guy oh fuck him sounds like i've just been seeing 602s and 480s

you need some 623s that's where all the angry cholos live

or rednecks i don't know i don't know what uh atlanta is

all right well i'm tired of that here are some more numbers we got ukraine

numbers in uh ukraine all right oh actually these are in cream uh crimea or crimea i'm sorry

oh wow yeah so it's it's as you can

that's nice and horrible all right i'm gonna go to the top of the list i get them a lot there's

a whole bunch of them all right cool lonesome thank you lonesome loser very helpful young man

he's on point yeah i always like listen to old shows here and you're like got all these

lonesome who is this character yeah oh he even like affirmed yeah yeah he confirms bad numbers

all the time jesus when tamagotchi does that for me i'm always so shocked oh okay he's like

confirmed yeah it helps out it helps out a lot uh who posted these other ones which are these

uh that's me hey asked me to pass that on he put up some bait ad for a free personal massager

with attachments and everything oh nice okay i hope women responded back to that all right here's

the hotel europe so much for that in the crimea i got news for you ain't gonna be happening now

no eu for you

motherfuckers don't realize i'm doing something

yeah man this son of a shit old captain call crunch prank all the way where brad was fucking

with Captain Crunch and Samantha

was where he's

the first doing Foursquare

and checking in to everything.

Yeah, well, didn't she check out

her

Facebook or something like that? Or Twitter, I think?

No, she got

pictures with him. Okay, wow.

Yeah, in like Germany

or some shit. Oh, shit.

Samantha fucking gets around, man.

She's always traveling, man.

She's all over the place, that chick.

She's a real elite hacksaw.

We're trying more Crimean numbers

They're all disconnected

Yeah, hi, hotel

Yes

Oh, okay, do you accept Euro?

Why not?

No, fuck you

I call now, bastard

Call when occupation ends, please

Call when occupation ends

He's like, help me, please

Please help

He's waking up the phone

I wouldn't realize that it's not video.

So, there's a gun in my bag.

Oh, these poor fuckers.

They're like, why did we never think there was going to be trouble

by putting this oil pipeline through here?

They're like, why the fuck would Russia want an oil pipeline?

Yeah, I wonder why they would want that.

They have a billion people.

Not a billion, but several hundred million.

What?

Hi, is this Soviet Union?

I'm calling the hotel in the Soviet Union.

No, it's Hotel Moscow.

Yeah, but this is the Soviet Union that I'm calling.

And?

Yeah, it is the Soviet Union, so you do have a plan, don't you, Russian?

You traitor.

I don't understand this.

You know Ukraine and Russia?

Yes.

You know the situation?

Yes.

Who you like, Russia or Europe?

Who you like?

I don't want to tell you.

You tell me. I command you.

No.

I command you to tell me.

Listen, I'm going to report you to the guard if you don't tell me.

Sorry, no.

If you don't tell me, I'm going to report you.

They're going to come take you away.

This is confidential information.

No, it's not.

Sergei said to call, and you have to give the information now.

I'm sorry, no.

I command you, or I'm going to have you taken away,

and they're going to interrogate you and put you in the gulag.

Tell me, for who you like, Russia or Ukraine?

I like Crimea.

me that's not a correct answer what is your id what's your id identification number sounds like

she's walking away where are you going she's taking a cyanide pill i don't know oh shit she

kind of freaked out there's no i know she's obviously ukrainian pro-ukraine

i know i've called iran a bunch of times and all this shit

How many lists do you think we're on

Like in an FBI and NSA database

Yeah like

I was convinced I was on a fly list by now

But the last time I flew

They didn't pay any special attention to me

Yeah that'll be my bitch

You flew just

You flew just fine but you had an air marshal

Sitting next to you

Probably with a gun on my kidney

Pointing right at my crotch

The whole time

I'll be ready to leave the country

and then they'll be like oh no sir you can't fly sorry sorry buddy yeah before that they're

gonna like swab you and get you all naked blast you with a whole bunch of radiation

radiation man radiation i was in an mri for three hours man hey turbo you might know the

answer to this do thugs and gangsters ever fly on airplanes and stuff they don't have nowhere to go

Because they're always carrying

guns or drugs or something.

They mostly do the Greyhound bus,

I think, right?

Yeah, yeah.

You don't want to get on those

because they have chickens

and they peck Baz in the nuts.

Peck, peck.

Those fucking Greyhound people

were getting pissed.

There's a chicken on the bus?

Yeah, it's fucking pecking me in the nuts.

Baz deserves to get

packed in the nuts for fucking getting to antarctica before i did and here's another one

this is george i'm taking the ham track he's watching me exclusively

i need to not read the chat they focused it on me all right i'm not getting an answer

they're like it was all the show focus our concentration

giant magnet scope on him sorry matt you could take it though you're a tough guy

We've been through a lot

Indeed, indeed

Alright

It might be too late for these

Because it's 8.30 where we're about to call

But here's a Vietnamese restaurant

Message is twitter.com

Slash I am Elton John

Or just Elton John

Yeah, hi, this is Foley

No, we're still open

It's 9.30

Okay, good, so let me make an order then

Okay

One second, what is your name?

Oh, my name is Foe.

Foe?

Yeah.

Okay, what can I get for you this evening?

One Foe.

A Foe?

Yeah.

Okay, which Foe?

There's chicken Foe, there's the beef Foe.

Foe Foe.

Foe Foe?

Okay.

Yeah.

I need the Foe.

Normal size or large?

I need the Foe.

Are you on a normal size or large?

Large.

Large, okay.

Yeah, another Foe.

Okay, one more?

Yeah.

The same one, right?

No.

It's the beef and there's chicken.

Which one do you want?

This one.

Excuse me?

That one?

idea what that is yeah did you have that one i have the number one large and what else

i cannot understand it how does he even entertain how do you even entertain that

i might be saying something what did he even try it's so stupid it's so funny though i guess

all right here's someone who says i'm guessing you didn't list the ad i'm sorry hope you have

have a wonderful night okay we'll call back and say yeah we did but i didn't like the tone of the

tone of their text

some kind of jew on all kinds of free shit yeah yeah how you doing my buddy wants to talk to you

okay okay yeah uh i didn't like the tone of your text hello well i kind of was actually being

genuine when i said sorry well i don't like you texting me like that about things i don't you

know particularly give a shit about well you know i do apologize but your phone number was on craigslist

i yeah i put it there i was responding i put it there then why did you send me a text saying to

get it out of my ass because i don't like the way you're the tone of your text where you asked me

me about it i don't like i didn't send you a text i sent i left your voice now yeah i didn't like

your tone and your voice i didn't like it well you know what maybe you should look for a hooker

somewhere else because you're not gonna find one on craigslist the problem is you're a woman i don't

like i don't like i don't like dealing business with women plus what do you want to do with stuff

like that anyway you're a woman you don't know how to use things like that like mechanical things

oh you know that's funny because i probably can do more mechanical shit than you can yeah

Yeah, sure you can.

Listen, it's not kitchen appliances, honey, okay?

Sorry, sweetie.

Okay, honey baby.

Go enjoy your boyfriend.

Have a good night.

Yeah, we're all going to masturbate now.

Yeah, hey, this is one of the boyfriends.

That text cost my buddy 18 cents.

So you owe him 18 cents.

Yeah, you owe me like 1.2 megs, megabytes.

And now we're going to have a masturbation contest.

I'm another boyfriend taking a piss.

I love him.

Listen to him.

I love him going around.

No, listen to that.

He's pissing.

He's pissing right now on the phone

Thinking about you, sugar sis

Doesn't it smell like he needs more protein in his diet?

Dude, I don't get the bubbles

God, it smells like asparagus in here

Jesus

Alright, asshole

So, I'm sending this number to the law enforcement right now

So, have a good night

Big man, big man

Letting the police fight his battles

Big man

Letting the woman handle the business

Let me call them, guys

I thought she was gay

Which is okay to be

For a woman

I thought

I thought she was a lesbian

That's so fat gay

Probably

Dribble dribble dribble

Don't forget to shake

Please leave your message for

I'm wearing new jeans

They can soak it up

Oh

You're gonna ruin your new jeans

Alright

I'm so happy

I was able to squeeze

Into the 38 jeans

I got for Christmas

It was too fat for him before

There you go

But now I can button them up

Yay

You're doing good

Yeah

If you could switch to light beer

You might do a little better

You know

Jesus

That's for Nancy boys

Well

Yeah

There's no point

Once you switch to light

Yeah

Right

You might as well just quit

Yeah

You just drink clear liquor

But you know

You're a beer guy

All the way

Yeah

I drink beer all day man

I've been drinking

Since fucking noon

Wow

Drink some appletinis

Yesterday you were drunk

And it wasn't even noon yet

Yeah I know

I was fucking

I got up at

At 9.30, I set my alarm to get up, to get ready.

I smoked a fucking hitter, fucking went and bought beer.

I was like, I'm on a plane.

It's a big deal.

I'm going to be on the show.

Nice.

Living the dream.

Hey, the guy that I said, I'll put it on your butt, boy, we tried to call him.

He didn't answer, but he did reply back with, huh.

So it sounds like he's interested then.

Yeah.

You want my stuff, big boy?

The law.

No answer.

Well, we will.

I need to suck good.

Typing is gone?

Oh, you got like a thing with your fingers?

I'm like paying attention to fucking, like doing chat shit.

I need to be on here.

I need to be fucking present.

This shit pisses people off on YouTube.

It's all right.

We're just taking it easy.

No stress.

All right.

I keep just digging turban.

If you got Indian couples, I need to make an order.

I do.

But really quick, here's a guy who says he's Chaplain Will.

And he's wanting the equipment, so we've got to fuck with him.

I haven't replied back to him, but we'll call him back.

Chaplain Will.

Baby's black.

Three.

Good sign.

Yeah.

Yeah?

It's good, Eric.

Hey, how you doing there?

Is that Chaplain Will?

Chaplain Will?

Who is it?

This is him?

Who is it, speak, please?

Oh, this is Carlos.

I have some equipment, studio equipment.

Oh, yeah, okay.

I wasn't expecting it.

Oh, okay.

Big secret.

Secret, big secret, right?

Yeah, anyway, so are you interested?

Well, yeah, I mean, the thing is, I'm all the way up here in Buckeye.

Okay, but for what?

What do you want it for?

What do you have?

What do I want it for?

You have a religious thing?

Well, yeah, my church needs a mixer.

Yeah.

So there's a couple of things in there,

and then I'm in the process of trying to have a couple buddies with a recording studio,

and I'm downsizing mine.

Oh, a couple good buddies, huh?

Like some of your guy friends from the sauna?

From the sauna?

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

So why don't you come get it out of your ass?

I could.

Okay.

Yeah.

Come down here and bring your ass.

Bring that nice, big, juicy ass.

We'll put it right up there for you like this.

Okay.

You can back up like that.

Okay.

Yeah.

And I'll ram it right up there.

Okay.

Is that the best?

That's my best.

But coming up next will be Ken.

Who's on deck?

Wow.

What's your problem?

Paolo, are you trying to get this mixer and hit the switches for the bitches?

That's what you guys can do.

Okay.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how many altar boys have you raped?

You can't count that high, Gator.

Laughing makes the pain go away.

You can't count that high?

You're not Catholic, are you?

So what are you guys seriously up to?

You're not Catholic?

No, I'm not Catholic, dude.

I guess that stick doesn't work on you.

I'll put Matt on.

He's a drunk racist anti-Christian.

Is this one of those prank radio calls or something?

Yes.

I hate Christian.

I just hate fucking Christian.

You're an idiot.

Yeah, dude, I'm a Christian kind of guy,

but I don't get offended by a lot of things.

You can say just about anything if you want to.

Magical fucking Jesus.

What do you think about the crazy fucker

over at the West Baptist, bro, whatever, church?

Oh, the pastor over there?

The one that just died?

Yeah, the crazy fucker.

Fred Phelps.

Oh, you know, I've got mixed emotions about that one, to be honest with you guys.

I don't know.

Would you go over there and piss on his grave with me?

What are your mixed emotions?

Well, you can do that, because that's one of the reasons why I fought for this country,

to give you the freedom to go over and do whatever you wanted.

You fought for it?

So you're a veteran and a Christian?

I'm a retired military, so...

You're a double loser.

What war did you fight in, sir?

What war did you fight in?

Go for it.

Iraqi freedom.

Oh, and you're fighting for our country.

You're not just fighting for, you know, like the Iraqis were going to come and take our shit over, right?

You're fighting for oil, you stupid cunt.

I mean, there's a lot of people who disagree with the politics of us going over there,

and I'm sure that you're one of them, but it doesn't bother me either way, so.

Yeah, you're an idiot.

I did my time last year, but honorably, that's all that matters to me.

You honorably murdered people.

What's your favorite?

I know, it's kind of weird when you think about it that way, right?

Yeah, because Uncle Sam said it was okay.

It's okay to kill people.

You're no better than one of the 9-11 hijackers.

Uncle Sam is a stand-up guy, assholes.

Which one of those 9-11 hijackers was Iraqi?

That's the beauty of being in America,

is the fact that you can say anything you want to,

and the fact that, you know what, it's okay for you to say anything you want to.

And the fact that assholes like you can say,

oh, I fought for your freedom of speech when you were doing fucking shit.

You were diddling around fucking shit on the billiards.

Eating out of the buffet at the PX.

Did you do any rapes when you were overseas?

Okay, what was that last thing again?

Did you do any rapes?

Or did any of your men do any raping?

Rape any of my men?

No, did any of the...

Did you guys rape any of the little camel jockey broads?

Oh, no, I didn't.

I'm sure that there were other guys who probably thought about it.

Were you in the sandbox?

Were you in the sandbox at all?

Yeah, yeah, I was in the sandbox.

Okay, all right.

What's your favorite labia, the menorah or the majora?

Neither, actually.

Oh, okay.

He's a gay.

Yeah, I got you on that one, didn't I?

Come on, guys.

If you really want to trigger me on something, okay,

you guys really need to come up with something original here.

I don't know.

Come on now, work with me here.

We're in the Obama administration.

This is the best you guys can do.

Yeah, fuck that coon shit.

That's what I'm talking about.

Now, come on.

Give me something real here that I can work with.

That way, if you guys really want to try to piss me off, you can piss me off.

If you can be easy like this, all right, then it doesn't matter.

You're not pro-Obama.

You know what I mean?

It's like, come on, act like we're in a real club here or something like that.

You seem like a stand-up dude.

I don't think I can argue with you.

Well, I'd like to think I'm a pretty stand-up guy.

But, hey, there's some people who don't think that.

They think I'm a jerk, and you know what?

That's fine.

I don't lose sleep at night over it or anything like that.

If you guys really want to trigger me, you guys have to go deeper.

I mean, I'm serious.

You guys have got to go deeper.

You guys have got to find something.

Okay, think about it.

I'm a Marine.

Think about something that would trigger a Marine.

I do.

You know that PTSD episode you had?

It's all your fault, and it's funny.

Yeah.

Oh, come on.

You've got to go deeper than that, man.

Wow.

You guys are weak.

Well, you have no emotions, sir.

You have a heart of stone.

I like a sociopath with a laugh.

At least you guys are just about your problems.

This is one of those few prank phone calls that I've actually enjoyed.

Do you get a lot of phone calls, dude?

I've gotten a few.

I've been out of the morning club for a while, okay?

And when I was at the duty, I got quite a few prank phone calls.

Really?

Hey, you want to see if this guy wants to stay on while we call him in and piss him off?

Hey, do you want to stay on?

I've misguided children for crying out loud.

Hey, buddy, buddy, yeah, hey, Christian Killer, do you want to stay on while we call some fucking Indian people?

No, I'm asking if you want to join in.

We're going to order some food.

Do you want to stay on while we do it?

We're going to order some food.

Hang on, buddy.

We're going to order some Indian bread, all right, buddy?

I like this guy.

What's your name, man?

Hey, what's your name, buddy?

Or these Indians, they get pissed

You already told me on it earlier

So you know who my new is

My name is Matt

Good evening, how can I help?

Hello, I'd like to make an order for a pickup

Okay, what would you like to order?

Can I get some chicken tikka masala?

Okay

Can I get an order of naan bread?

What kind of naan do you want?

Plain or garlic?

Garlic naan

Okay

Some

some... Oh, come on. You're putting me

on hold to order food? One banjo?

One banjo? I've been 15 years

in my country, and you guys are putting me on hold so you can

order food? That's cheesy. Well, see, you

were cool, and now you're fucking up the call, because we're about

to ask... Yeah, maybe you should shut the fuck up

and wait for the joke. That is funny, dude.

We're about to ask

for, like, the sister fucker

and stuff like that, and they're laying a tree.

Oh, shit. She got a real...

Go ahead. I'll do you a $3. Let's finish. Go ahead.

No, she's gone now. Now we gotta call her.

Oh, she hung up. You can call the

The next one.

Yeah, see, we get the men on the line, and then we ask them about fucking their sister

and stuff like that.

They get pissed.

They order a bunch of food and then eventually say some shit.

What radio station are you guys in?

You guys are the radio station.

Yeah, we are.

Yeah, I kind of figured you were the radio station.

Yeah, I want to make an order, please.

Yes, sir.

What can I get for you?

One Banch Hood.

I'm sorry, what?

One Banch Hood.

What is that again?

Banch Hood.

It's Sister Fucker.

Oh, we don't have anything like that here.

Do you have sister or yourself?

Whose sister are you?

You're someone's sister, right?

It's failing so epically.

Dude, I love it.

We can all get back.

You guys got to come up with better stuff than that.

That's the stuff that I would do back when I was like 12 years old.

Seriously.

You guys got to come up with better stuff than that.

Come on now.

The majority of everything we do.

Okay there, buddy.

Next call's yours.

Yeah.

Yeah, show us how you do it.

Yeah, here.

Since you're a Marine, we're going to call the Crimea.

Oh, I'm scared there, yeah.

We should call that a Hawaiian military base.

I'm going to call the White House.

I'm going to feed to us words for him.

No, we're not calling the White House.

You're the White House, which word?

I'm going to feed to us words for him.

How's that?

Wow, you're really disgruntled.

Yeah, is this the Soviet Union?

No.

Yes.

Is this the Soviet Union I'm calling?

You couldn't get that lucky, dude.

Hello.

What, what?

I'm sorry.

This is the Soviet Union I'm calling.

Hello.

You got to push a lot more digits than that, dude.

In the Soviet Union.

Russian.

Come on, guys.

All right, now you're ruining calls.

All right.

Hey, good talking to you.

Think about it.

I mean, you guys put a lot on Craigslist and all this other kind of stuff.

I didn't.

Some other guy who hates me did.

It's a whole thing.

She hung up now.

Yeah, but, yeah, man.

So you guys actually come up with any legit insults that might actually trigger me or anything?

Probably.

I don't think so.

No, no.

No, you're just kind of awesome.

Yeah.

You seem pretty awesome.

I don't want to be awesome to you guys.

I want to be this jerk.

You seem cool, but you're really wired and kind of ruining calls and stuff like that.

I'm saving your number.

We're on computers.

All right.

I'm going to let you go.

Bye, Chaplain Will.

Where in California are you guys?

Where's your radio station at anyway?

Well, it's the NPR station, 91.5.

Sunday 1.5 at what station?

You know, NPR.

National Public Radio.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like everybody has NPR.

You're a big fan.

You're in the military.

Keep my number, and if you guys actually come up with anything legit that you think might

actually work, call me back.

I got Marine Cool.

You can go to...

You want to go...

I'll save you.

I'll call you on my show Monday, man.

You want to go to somewhere you can listen to us?

Yeah, sure.

Website.

Just go to PrankCallNation.com.

PrankCallNation.com.

There you go.

Okay, but the thing is, seriously, I don't want you to lose my number.

I want you to call me back.

I saved you.

What I need to do is I used to train reservists, okay, to go over to war,

but now I need to train radio talk show hosts on how to actually insult people

because you guys are pretty weak at it.

Sounds good.

Well, you're supposedly a Marine.

I thought you guys were really good at insulting and shit like that.

I'm awesome at insulting all kinds of people.

But you're a Christian chap.

I can do it, and I'm not going to lose a whole lot of sleep over it.

But either way, the thing is, as long as we've been on the phone,

do you think you guys would have at least said one thing that would have totally, totally made me mad?

Sir, I'm not trying to insult you.

I'm not trying to insult you.

I mean, you didn't just slightly fail.

I mean, you guys, like, extreme red zone failed.

Okay.

That's pretty weak.

And you guys are playing the nation.

No, you fail.

You fail.

You guys are playing the nation.

That's pretty weak.

Highway to the danger.

I don't know.

I think we're getting what we wanted out of him.

It's giving us a good laugh.

Just listen to you ramble on.

It's prank call nation.

Well, that's true.

That's true.

You know what?

That's a pretty good point, too.

The people in the chat room like it.

What's the address in the chat room?

I'll log on there real quick.

It's on the same website.

If you go to prank call nation, you just click on the chat room button.

So is everybody hearing us like right now then?

Yeah.

Thousands of listeners.

Thousands of listeners are listening to us right now.

Tens of thousands.

Yeah.

That's the thousands of listeners.

Yeah, we're the highest, one of the highest rated YouTube channels.

And we're hoping for you guys to offer your quote-unquote best to them.

Well, we didn't, I didn't know you were, I didn't know you were.

Come on, guys, that's weak.

I'm expecting five-star service here from Frank Hall Nation.

And you guys are giving me, what, two stars at best?

Come on now.

Well, wait till Maddie calls you and pulls this mid-rack shit.

You guys only need to call my number.

I imagine you yelling at me while I'm trying to do push-ups.

Every Monday afterward.

That's it, Dwight quits.

I can't do it anymore.

I don't have the approval of this motherfucker.

I quit.

I'm done.

You didn't have the approval from start.

This guy is a noob.

You didn't have the approval from start.

I mean, this is all weak stuff.

Cross, you're done.

We got our new leader.

This is weak stuff here.

Come on, guys.

Yeah, I'm going to place you in charge of my station.

What?

This is 2014.

You guys are acting like you're back in, like, a frickin' parking lot at high school or something like that.

Oh, we're going to, you know, we're going to just do this and get stupid with everybody.

This is weak.

Come on.

You guys got a better game than this.

How long have you guys been on the radio, anyway?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

We should be doing mature prank calls, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, well, the immature stuff is definitely working for you.

So how do you think of that?

I mean, come on, now.

Come on.

You guys got to get something better than this.

It's working great, dummy.

There's some fucking site.

This is our father, like, talking down to us about how we're pieces of shit.

Isn't that hilarious?

That looked that way, dude.

How long does this talk show last for, anyway?

This is my show, and I go until 1 a.m. Eastern, usually.

And it's been on for nine years.

So I can be on the phone quite a while entertaining your guests.

Hey, Charlie.

Hello.

Hey, Charlie, how are you?

Who is it?

This is Motherfucker.

Piss and shit.

Wrong number.

No, your face is the wrong number.

Hey, Charlie, is the refrigerator running?

You better go to shit.

Whoa.

Oh, that's my A-game right there.

Yeah.

Or we call up the cigar shop and ask them if they have Prince Albert in a can.

Fat Albert.

And they say, yeah, you better let him out.

That is so old, man.

That is so old.

Hey, the people in the chat room like it.

That's why they came out with stuff like that when the internet first came out.

That's how old that is.

Nunu likes it.

I can't think of the last time they actually sold Prince Albert to Mac.

Well, I mean, if that's the best you've got to offer, okay.

Okay, but I'm suggesting you offer it at discount or clearance, because that's not the best you're going to get.

It's free.

It's free?

Well, you've got to be doing something free there, because you definitely tell them off.

Turbo calls bars on his show.

Hey, hey, Turbo calls bars on his show and asks for a man to hug and kiss.

Try me, try me.

Oh, yeah.

So you guys can keep me on here just until I hang up with you or until the end of the show?

I don't know.

Whatever.

I'll talk as long as you want to.

I don't care.

Just don't mess up the calls.

Then I'll hang up on you

Because it's going to ruin

Just have to be quiet

When somebody answers

Hello

I'll try

Remember you called me

I didn't call you

So I'll try

I'll bet they have

A refrigerator

Oh hi Baz

Hey Matt

Baz is here

Hey guys

And our chaplain's here

Sometimes we fart

On the phone too

Can you give like a

Benediction or something

For us

Can I give you

A benediction

Yeah

Well I need to know

A little bit of background

Before I offer a benediction

But

We're entertainers

Do you want me to

Just kind of wing it

Or what

Well, yeah.

I mean, do you do that kind of thing, or is that not something you do?

Yeah, I mean, I can wing it at the interdiction point.

Are you talking about specifically for you or for the radio station or what?

For our success and prank calls that aren't working right now?

Success and prank calls?

Well, see, the only thing I'd be able to do is offer a very weak conversion.

Welcome to Hyatt Regency.

You guys can even call people that are like,

Good evening, Hyatt Regency.

Johannes Bergland, this is speaking, my SSU.

Yeah, does anyone there speak English?

Sir, I'm speaking English right now.

Yeah, I know, but you have, like, an African accent.

I don't understand it completely.

Okay, well, currently I'm the only person here,

so how can I assist you as best as I can?

Are you South African?

Yes, I am.

Like, Negro South African, or?

South African.

Okay, yeah.

You're white South African.

Okay, would you like to call maybe at 8 o'clock,

and there should be somebody available to assist you?

Do you have a white person we can talk to right now?

No.

Oh, man.

Is it all black people working?

There's only...

There's not that many people working at this time of the evening.

Yeah, but, I mean, the ones that are, they're black, all black, right?

There's no whites.

Who's in charge?

Who's the overseer?

There's a duty manager.

And she's white?

No.

She's black?

Yes.

Oh, put her on.

Please hold.

Okay.

For more information or to book...

How we doing?

We got someone to answer, huh, Chaplain?

You're doing okay

We are aware of your call

And appreciate your patience

The call may be monitored

Protecting your privacy

Is important to us

For details of how we protect your privacy

Visit privacy.hyatt.com

Privacy

Book our

Breakfast buffet

At only 195 rand per person

Served every day of the week

Indulged in a wide array

We are aware of your call

and thank you for your patience.

An associate with you

You did it a white South African kid?

If you don't shut the fuck up

our buddy Jason David Frank's gonna

sidekick you in the throat.

I'm tired of waiting on that. I'll call her right back.

You know who Jason David Frank is?

Do you know who Jason David Frank is?

Me neither.

Nobody knows that.

Who's his favorite Frank?

Welcome to Hyatt Regency, Johannesburg.

Use the green.

The green range.

The realest star of his great seasonal specials.

Good morning, Hyatt Regency, Johannesburg,

Columbus speaking.

Nice to see you.

Hello, monkey.

Did you get your manager yet?

Your boss?

Um, you hung up while I was trying to transfer you.

Please hold.

It's taking too long.

Protecting your privacy is important.

Protect your privacy.

For details of how we protect your privacy,

visit privacy.hyatt.com.

There you go, Matt.

You should go there.

Book our full English breakfast buffet at only 195 Rand per person.

Served every day of the week.

Indulge in a wide array of delicious items.

I know, I'm sorry.

It happens.

We are aware of your call and thank you for your patience.

And the first hit will be with you momentarily.

But the troops' right call didn't end up with automated messages, did it?

We're out of home.

Our newly renovated 191 restaurant

Have you ever talked to George Takei?

No, you haven't.

We have, so shut the fuck up.

We've talked to George Takei.

I think he'll have fun on this.

You call me, remember?

Listen, dumbass.

The way that it's going to be worth the wait.

Are you ready to have gone up?

Since I've been on the phone with you, you can't resolve it.

So, connecting me properly is in your best interest.

We are aware of your call.

You can even give my number to your people that are listening on the radio.

Yeah, our ratings have gone way up since you've been on the line.

Oh, obviously, I did that, you know, because I'm just that awesome.

We might offer you your own show.

Day of the week, indulge in a wide array of delicious items.

This is like listening to the...

We are aware of your call.

...at the rest of the store way back in the day, down from Ropper.

Okay, you're making easy references and shit.

No one who listens to Steven knows.

I used to, I remember when they would do the mirror with no reflection, and they'd be like, I can see somebody, and they never said Matt.

They never said me, the bitch Robert.

You said this was, like, prank phone calls, and they're, like, easiest phone calls I've ever heard.

Easiest phone calls.

I've heard kids, I've heard kids that are, like, five years old that pull off better prank phone calls than me, man.

Well, hey, listen, you should get in the chat room and post your complaints in all caps, like new, new days.

Oh, yeah, but you still got me on the phone here, so why post it when I can just tell you on the radio?

I'll see everybody listening.

Hey, buddy, I got a question for you.

What's the password to your voicemail?

What's the password to my voicemail?

Yeah.

Yeah, sir.

You ready?

Hotel?

Hey, shut up.

Shut up.

Is this hotel?

7237?

Huh?

Havana, Havana, Havana?

Quiet.

Is this the hotel?

It's not a hotel.

you keep talking over

and then you

oh it's the worst

prank calls ever

I didn't say that

Baz said that

he doesn't know

what he's talking about

he barely knows

how to function

he's unemployed

I've been clinically

diagnosed as a

cretin

he's an unemployed

biological scientist

and that was before

you

quiet quiet quiet

I'm one step

above a moron

one step above a moron

hello hotel

Are you giving yourself the benefit of the doubt there?

Hello, hotel.

Good morning.

Yeah, hi, good morning.

I have a...

What kind of a great are you?

Would you shut up, you stupid fucking jughead?

I have a effeminate marine who needs to book a hotel room.

Good morning.

Yeah, I have an effeminate marine who needs to book a hotel room.

So I can understand you that someone speaking would be behind you.

I know, yeah.

He's an effeminate marine.

He's going to book a hotel room.

That guy, you hear him?

I'm fine.

Yeah, that would be me.

Okay.

Okay, he's going to talk because he's a super funny man.

He knows what's so funny.

Go ahead, Mr. Gay Marine.

Yeah.

Ready?

Show us how it works.

This is one of the cheesiest calls I've ever had.

Okay, great.

Now you're a Santa Bar and really annoying me and bring me down,

so I'm going to let you go.

I'll call you Monday.

Oh, I'm disappointed.

Monday, all right, Monday.

I do an occasional show, too, and maybe I'll call you on my show.

I want you to store my number in your cell phone.

Okay.

I'm nowhere near close to joking.

alright okay bye

you're in my skype you're saved

alright

holy crap

derailing us I wouldn't shut the fuck up

I tried calling his phone

and that's bullshit he gave me the wrong voice

you tried already

I was trying to

hack it while you guys had him on the phone

I'm fucking trying different combinations

like I just gave it out to you

oh yeah straight up you didn't even think about it

you just gave it out

what with this smug fucking attitude

Dude, I thought possibly he did give me the right one, so I'm like, I'll fucking try it.

Yeah.

Uh, here is someone who wants a Rottweiler or a Mastiff.

Yeah.

What's a dog?

Why would you want a Bull Mastiff, though?

Those fuckers only lived for, like, eight years.

Because you just want a big...

Is that why?

...and a chevron middle.

I don't know.

I knew this guy that had one of those Bull Mastiffs, and, like, I'd go sit down in a chair,

and that thing would come over and lean on you, about to knock you out of your fucking chair.

Like, you big bastard.

How big was this cock, by the way?

I do not know, because I don't look at dog dicks.

oh really whatever i don't go i don't go around like fucking cupping his balls going hey how you

doing there big boy let me see what you're packing everyone looks all right let's say

whatever yeah uh he actually said he sent you some fresh twitter complainers to request a prank

this guy put pictures of his perfect dog thanks for being part of the show hello hey honey how

are you you wanted a bull master oh yes sir i'm holding you want to speak to my daughter hold on

Yeah, okay.

It's the daughter that wants to get fucked.

Hold on one second.

Yeah, your daughter wants to get with the dog?

Wait, what'd you say?

Your daughter wants to get with the dog?

What'd you mean?

She wants to get the dog.

Oh, yeah, that sounds a little weird what you said.

What do you mean?

Are you the gentleman we spoke to, Chad?

Yeah, I'm Chad.

Okay, and what's the reason you want to get rid of the dog?

Well, when she talks, well, the dog is, it's, he doesn't get along with our cat that we have here.

you know the cat keeps peeing everywhere and we love the cat more than the dog so we want to keep

the cat and let the dog dog is great but the cat doesn't like him the cat keeps peeing everywhere

because of the dog okay he's a good dog hello yes i'm here hold on yeah your daughter yeah

your daughter had asked me to take measurements of the dog so i'm calling back with that information

are you there i'm kind of just hanging here yeah hi how are you it's chad okay yeah listen is this

this you is this the daughter or who am i talking with now i'm getting the passed around oh listen

i yeah this is the daughter yes sir can i talk to your mom again please hello can i talk to your

mother again please oh yeah listen your daughter asked me to measure the dog's sexual organs did

you know about that she asked me to measure the dog's sexual organs and to call back and let her

know i like when black people get pissed that's their first reaction what the fuck i'm muted

I muted because I noticed I was laughing.

Yeah, what happened?

Okay, listen.

First of all, I know my daughter didn't ask you a sick-ass nothing like that.

Don't call this motherfucking number, bitch.

She did.

Bitch.

You bitch.

You noticed you were laughing, Matt?

Yeah, you were.

Yeah.

Well, I muted.

Thank you, YouTube comments.

YouTube comments.

Thank you, YouTube assholes.

My name is fucking Laugh Track Matt.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah, you know what you're getting

when you're signing him up.

Wheezy's.

Cold man laugh.

Dude, you got the best look.

Thanks, man.

I try.

I hate the motherless stuff

that has videos of frogs and dogs.

I still like watching them pull dogs.

Nobu's asking what we think

about the new look for the Ninja Turtles.

I don't know.

What, the live-action?

I don't know.

I haven't seen it.

I saw the trailer.

It looked stupid.

I mean, it looked fine.

Whatever.

Okay.

It looked like whatever the fuck.

Fucked up the Transformers.

It doesn't look that terrible.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

I hate what he did with the Transformers.

I flipped him off and told him, fuck you.

Yeah, because he said you were Skyping the filming.

And I was like, yeah, fuck you.

Fuck you, I live here.

So I got to the, like, tell Michael Bay, fuck you.

So that made me mad.

all right here's the motel rain with a 24-7 staff on hand this one comes in from zolar is god he's

a long-time listener to the show and he thinks zolar is god zolar is cool turbo you've been

awfully quiet tonight you're all right oh yeah yeah chilling chilling in the cut working no no

yes and i'm keeping an eye on this uh cactus tea here he's uh hairless and naked you probably

I didn't know this, Matt, but Turbo

he narrowed his balls.

Yeah, hey. Hey. Hey, the

shower drain is clogged up here?

Hello? Yeah. The shower drain?

Why are you answering like that? Whatever.

What a dick.

It may have been the explanation to Matt

that Bob Turbo narrowed his balls

and he didn't appreciate it.

Narrowed his balls?

Narrowed it. He was like the hair remover.

Oh, really?

Hey, that was pretty rude to hang

up. We've got a problem with our room.

What room?

112.

What room is it, Cross?

112.

It's all blocked up.

I think there's a bunch of hair shit down in the drain.

It's all gross.

Hello?

What's the matter?

We're just kind of hanging here.

We want to take a shower together.

All right.

Another stellar prank call tonight.

We need the Christian.

He'd be all over that one.

He's probably in the chat room by now.

He's probably in there chatting right now.

I really fucking suck.

Okay, well, there's a new horse just joined the chat room.

There you go.

Might be him.

I like calling these hotels and they tell you,

oh, there's nobody in that room.

It's like, well, I picked a lock.

I'm in the room now.

Yeah, yeah.

Still a hand in my tan.

All right, here is the South African hotel.

Oh, we got these dashy numbers.

Do you get age just from talking to them?

Yeah, go ahead.

Hi.

I'd like a room, please.

Yes, I have some questions about the room first, though.

Yes, what questions do you have?

Okay, does it have a toilet with running water?

Actually, it's a suite, which has got a kitchen, a bathroom, and a toilet, and also the kitchen, the bathroom in there.

Oh, okay. And the toilet, is it cleaned? I don't want to catch AIDS from it.

Yes, it's cleaned.

Oh, okay. And do you have problems with lions roaming the halls, hassling your guests?

I hear that's a big problem in Johannesburg.

That's like an electricity. No, we don't.

Oh, excellent. Okay. And do you have a glory hole in your suites? Excuse me.

What, sir?

A glory hole.

No, we don't have.

Do you know what a glory hole is?

Pardon?

Do you know what a glory hole is, sir?

Yes, you mean the lounge room?

No, not at all.

Yes, what do you mean exactly?

It's a hole, usually between the bathroom and the bedroom.

It's usually, let's see, you're on metric, right?

I don't know, 10 centimeters, do you think, Mr. Schnoswell, in diameter?

Yeah, that should do it.

Let me explain to you how our rooms are.

Excuse me?

So we've got a bedroom, a bathroom, a kitchen, a lounge, and also the bathroom.

Yeah, I'm pretty clear on, like, the different rooms, but is there a glory hole?

Is there a glory hole, sir?

No, sir, I don't understand what you mean by a glory hole.

Well, I was trying to explain it.

It's a hole about 10 centimeters in diameter,

and what happens is usually one man kneels down on one side,

and then another man goes on the other side and he removes his trousers and obtains an erection

and then the man kneeling fillets him and brings him to climax and then sometimes the semen just

goes all over the face sometimes uh if the man kneeling is uh feeling accommodating he'll swallow

yes we don't have that we don't have that oh well can i bring a hole saw in and create my own

Can you please call at half past eight, because the reservation people will be there, and then you can organize with them.

No, actually, I'm going to be starting a prison sentence before then, so this needs to be worked out now.

Yes, we need to consummate our marriage before he begins his prison term.

Banjot?

Hence the urgent need for a room.

Yes, what do you want? We don't have it here.

Well, like I said

Like he said, we'll make one

It's no problem

We don't mind

We do not mind

No, we don't mind drilling a hole in the wall

It's not a problem for us

You can use it too

Either standing or kneeling

It's up to you

We can play like musical chairs with the glory hole

We can all take turns rotating around

Hello, sir.

Can you please phone at half past eight

and then they can help you right now

with the reservation?

No.

They're not yet used.

No.

Please.

No.

We're both going to prison before then.

Hello, sir?

Yes.

We're going to be surrendering to the authorities

in short order,

so we just need the room for an hour or two max.

Sir, as I'm saying,

I can't help you right now with your reservation.

Please, phone it.

A bunch of...

Well, can you help me finish?

Just keep talking.

Can you help me finish?

Just keep going.

Keep going.

Say something.

He's almost there.

It was weak.

That's what he would say.

No, it was good.

But the marine guy would say it was weak.

It was weak.

When he hit in the 12th grade,

I trained people to go kill.

No better than you.

Yeah, what?

What's the matter?

you tell me

you got a problem

who is this

you sent me a text message

don't fuck around

motherfucker

no you sent me a text

that said fuck this shit

or something

yeah exactly

fuck this shit

I didn't talk to you dude

I didn't text you first

you texted me first

I'm wondering what it meant

that's all I asked

no motherfucker

I didn't know who it was

and I didn't know

what the hell it was saying

no motherfucker

you texted me motherfucker

and I texted you back

no I didn't

you stupid ass bastard

man shut up

fucking fool

wake up asshole

wake up

call him back

wake up sheeple

new world order is coming

motherfucker

let me call him back because I just

pasted in the skype chat

he sent back the call

tell him who it is so he can tell us if he

fucked our mother

and then he said asshole

wow

I already heard it

he's not answering now fuck him maybe he'll call back in uh here's another one this guy replied

back saying what fuck shit what's your problem cock smoker see what's up here

what does it mean how can you smoke a cock yeah you just keep it in your mouth you put it in your

mouth like a cigarette you just keep it there like a girl that doesn't really smoke and you

suck on it doesn't like to suck on it a girl that doesn't like to give head but has to

Hello?

Yeah, hey, I'm like a girl that doesn't like to give head, but I have to.

What's that?

I'm like a girl that doesn't like to give head, but I have to.

I'm forced to.

You understand, motherfucker?

Shit.

Okay, he's like, whatever, whatever.

Can I hit something?

Yeah.

Here's someone else that says, what the hell?

Let's see this guy.

Hey, shitty-o.

What's a cocksmoker?

The way you said it, it's a cocksmoker.

Turn up the TV louder, trash.

Hey, where you at, dude?

I'll come over and we can discuss it.

Oh, what? You want a fist fight?

I got a hairless gentleman

more than willing to fist fight you.

We just had the Taco Bell.

Yeah, out on West Bell.

You know, like 92nd.

Want to meet us for some ice cream?

That's the hairless gentleman that'll fight you.

Yep.

The one that knows the addresses and shit.

Hey, dude, I was just responding to your

Craigslist ad, that's all.

I've sucked a lot of cocks.

Oh, you're backing off the challenge

to meet us for a fight, presumably.

Yeah, you're a pussy.

apparently you're a big fucking pussy aren't you

you know we gave you a place

we gave you a specific location

then suddenly your fucking dick

shrinks back inside of you

cause you're a faggot

yeah motherfucker

why don't you get that shit out of your ass motherfucker

this guy with the loud television

he'll scoop it out

what are you watching on the loud television sir

watch it

the guy texted again

Text it again from the voicemail that we changed.

Why don't you have the balls to tell me who you are?

The only time I did anything was call a guy named Carlos off of Craigslist.

So if you're Carlos, you're an idiot, and I left you a message, fag.

We should call his voicemail and leave a message so it alerts him that he has a voicemail.

Yeah.

That he can't do anything about.

Yeah.

Tell him to check his voicemail.

He won't be able to do that, actually.

Text him and say, check your voicemail.

I left a detailed instruction.

Let's call him first

We're gonna make like a riddle

That he has to solve

Riddle me this

It's the hard work

Into these questions thrice

I'd have to find a copy paper

I know the beginning of shit

This is a bad day sir

Fuck you

Fuck off

I didn't call you

You text me you prick

Leave me the fuck alone you loser

any cocksmoker

would you

you say

fuck this

he was ready to

fight as soon as

you called

what the fuck

is your problem

you had a bad day

I'm busy

uh

with these

uh

sheep and shit

over here

I ain't got no

time for you

so I'll leave

a fucking

text message

back to you

when I'm done

uh

bear back

from this

motherfucker

I'll leave

a message

so

and we'll

send it

emergency

to

urgent

please record

record your message when you have finished recording you may hang up or press one for

more options to leave a callback number press five i got my whistle ready hey you will never

hear this message anyway so we're about to run the train on your woman get on the whole train

yeah with all the studio equipment i got i'm gonna make a big porno movie out of it the biggest one

Cream Street 12

Back in action

Back in space

Has there really been

11 Cream Streets?

Yeah

If you are satisfied

With your message

Press 1

To listen to your message

To send your message

With normal delivery

No

Press 1

To send your message

With urgent delivery

Yeah yeah

Press 2

Thank you

Your message has been sent

Goodbye

Alright

And I'm just texting him now

To

Urgent fucking alert

I just texted him

To check his voicemail

All right.

Here is a guy who is sending back, hey, your mother is face down on my floor and wants

you to bring her some soap.

It started off kind of slow, but these fuckers are getting pretty brazen now, aren't they?

Now my mom's on the floor.

Well, she is.

Yeah, they were all mellow.

I think we need to hear that again.

Softball?

I'm on pitching softball

Hello, thank you for calling

I need to talk to your media

I'm on a variable at the moment

Fast pitch softball

Big man playing softball

I know

Slow pitch pussy shit

Thank you for calling

Damn it, I wanted to tell him some shit

About the softball

We're a little less of a pussy

Because we play fast pitch softball.

So the guy that we've been arguing with, he just said, you fucking loser lying asshole.

I just checked Craigslist and I wouldn't have fucked you with your mother's dick, you faggot.

F-A-G-G-I-T.

Here's one that just came in right now.

Man, do you have your head up your ass?

I left you a message, you loser prick.

I didn't text you.

Pull your head out of your ass along with your boyfriend's dick.

He's talking about you probably, man.

Or, no, Dwight.

Dwight's the guy that talked.

you don't want to talk to him

yeah that's how I roll

yeah whatever it's cool

sheep fucker

I like how it pops up here because I saved the number

it pops up as sheep fucker

oh man

what did I be wrong

with fucking this sheep

I'd be all about it

if I could put this scene on

gross and fleerid

that's how I remember him

he's the sheep fucker

I said on his voicemail I was fucking these sheep

like a sheep is just covered with pubes basically it's yeah it's like a big

he picked up and hung up

he's talking shit on the text but he won't talk to me i don't know what that was was it

yeah that's a goat do they go bad yeah that does sound go like i got a video on my youtube

Dude was talking to goats

And I tell him hail satan

Hail satan buddies

It's a very satanic looking animal

With the horns and all that I guess

They got those weird ass eyes too

Oh yeah

And you know rabbits their eyes turn red when you take a picture

That's the devil in them man

Like that

Bunnicula little cartoon

You know that's a like

Saturday morning cartoon movie

Sorry

No no I don't know what you're talking about

but all right i'll take the work for it it's okay uh someone's looking for size 27 and 28

biker jeans i think and bk oh bka jeans is that a brand never heard of it i'm gonna mute while i go

get another brew okay i'm gonna do this call it'll probably go nowhere and then i'll take a break

because my feet are cramping up oh i'll wait for the break i'll quit typing with your feet man

That's the problem.

If he was typing, they wouldn't

cramp. They're not

doing it. I can't even

type. Watch that Tish on

arm does everything with their feet.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic

voice message.

I'm going to go get my break.

I think it's time. When I come back,

there will be more prank calls.

I understand we have a few requested pranks.

Dashie sent in a lot of Twitter complainers.

Hey, we got to do those before it gets too late.

You can't get ridiculously late

So let me hurry up and take a break

I'll be about five minutes

I'll be right back

Everyone hang on

And the rest of you on the conference hang on also

Thank you, be right back

We'll be back right after this

Put your GPS in your box

So when you die

You open a trap door at the bottom

You check the GPS

And you go straight down to the hell

Madhouse Radio is back

you are bigger than a woman you are better than a woman we'll always be behind you do not let a

woman will ever ever make you who you are dv for the win fuck yeah

i'm talking about 1979 yeah i was born that's why i always like this song

You're just a baby, yo

74 for old man illa

I'm an old man

I'm gonna be fucking 40 this summer

I'm 40 years old

And I knew Frank called

who's older you or brad uh brad's a bit older i mean i remember i kept like calling him just

answering he'd be like i'm years old i mean i'm years old i mean and i thought it was funny

nothing wrong with that i know i probably will be i plan on being 50 50 i plan on making it

that long at least a 50 shit uh let me take a refresh here on the uh okay here we go uh this

This guy, again, still texting, still very upset.

He said, seek a psychotherapist.

Shit, dude.

And he also says, shut the fuck up.

Don't you have a life on a meat?

Tell me where you are.

I will take the shit on your ad and beat your ass full.

Try him again, then.

Fuck it, he's still heated.

Well, see, that's pretty interesting, since we never even put the ad up to begin with.

I know.

I mean, it's not my fault.

For all we know, this ass, for all we know, sheep fucker here that just appeared on my screen did it.

Dude, leave me the fuck alone, you fag.

Don't be mad

Did you check

Did you check that voicemail buddy

Oh shit

Hey how's your voicemail

Man what is your beef dude

What's wrong

Why are you so sad

Why are you bothering

I'm not trying to be a dick to you man

But you are a dick

I text you first

You text me

Now would you please tell me

What the hell the deal is

And then go on about your way

I put an ad out

For studio equipment

You did

I'm sorry

I called you

And left you a very nice message

It was

You had

I didn't like your attitude in it

Asshole

I didn't give you attitude dude

I was asking you

if everything was okay

because you texted me

fucking shit.

I didn't give you

an attitude.

Then you called me

screaming at me, dude.

I texted you first.

I didn't text you first.

I left you a message, bud.

You were like,

you okay, bro?

You're okay?

Come on.

Come at me, bro.

I was just making sure

you're okay

because you said

fuck this shit or something.

I was just saying,

are you okay?

Because I don't even know

who you are, dude.

I was just trying to be nice.

That was a nice thing to say.

Are you okay?

Is everything okay?

You don't need to use

that fucking language at me,

motherfucker.

I can use that fucking language

at you, dude.

Dude, all I said was, is everything okay?

Who is this?

That's all I fucking said to you.

Look at your text, dude.

Now I'm going to talk to you like this because you fucking called me and fucking said I text you first.

Which is not true, sir.

Then how did I...

I did not text you.

I left you a fucking voicemail.

Okay, you got me on a technicality.

You messaged me first and I didn't like your fucking attitude.

I said, no, I didn't.

No, I said, this is Rick.

I'm picturing your ad on Craigslist.

Could you give me a call back, please?

You're like, I'm Rick.

Ooh, I'm a...

And the message, that's what I said, dude.

You're like, we left you a voicemail, too, sir.

We left one.

We left you.

One fucking message.

We left you one.

No, you did not.

You left me a text message.

No, we also left a voice message.

Oh, I don't even know who he is, but what I'm saying, dude, is I would never come across

too bad for being polite.

Oh, so yeah, I made a mistake.

I'm sorry.

No, you made a mistake.

You called me and said, I text you or something.

Okay.

I mean, I am sorry.

You misunderstood me.

I'm sorry you have a problem with me because I did not leave you a bad message.

Oh, I'm sorry.

If you listen to it again, it's, could you call me?

My number is done.

I'm sorry you had to be.

I said thank you.

All right, shut up, asshole.

Here, shut the fuck up so we can apologize to you.

God damn, asshole.

I'm listening, man.

Well, I want, you know, part of my apology is I set your voicemail up for you.

I just wanted to apologize, and I was trying to, you know, take that burden off of you.

You think you what?

I set your voicemail up for you because I'm a nice guy.

Yeah, do I set up your voicemail?

Oh, I'd like to apologize for masturbating to the sound of your voice.

But he locked it out with his own password, so he has to.

I knew you were gay.

I don't know what your problem is.

Why'd you put it on Craigslist to find some guy or something?

Yeah, what's wrong with gay people, sir?

You're a fucking whack job, motherfucker.

You're not funny, but I'll find your ass, dude.

Fucking trust me.

Hey, yeah, I left you a voicemail.

Why don't you check it with my address?

Check your voicemail, buddy.

Hey, check your fucking ass, buddy,

because your fucking boyfriend's fucking cum is dripping out of it, dick.

That's kinky.

What the fuck does that even mean?

that guy he's extremely butter i'm telling you he's like but he's sorry he's sorry about he's

like i'm sorry that you're upset and he's calling you sir that's like when pigs call you sir bill

man had a good idea while we had him on the phone we should have called so we could listen to his

own voicemail okay he wouldn't even know that but we can tell him that's his voicemail tell him we

set it up for him well he didn't he didn't understand when i told him that i'm just trying

to tell him well he did he did he said thanks so he doesn't believe you we should tell let me call

him back and tell him to call his own number and hear what we did that's what we should i'm sure

his mother would appreciate that when his mom calls him what the fuck is this son i don't think

he understood the gravity of the situation listen buddy i don't think you understood the gravity of

the situation but you need to call your own phone number back that's a different number oh fuck hey

motherfucker how are you hey you did you get you got a hold of me about some studio equipment

yeah yeah you want to come over and look at it oh it's your address yeah yeah yeah but i wanted

to ask when before you come are you safe are you clean drug and disease clean yes yeah are you

straight acting what do you mean straight acting like you're not gonna you're not like lighting

in the loafers, you're not going to come effeminate

here on here, right?

You're not going to what?

My wife caught me with

my best friend of

15 years. We were

jacking off together, watching each other masturbate.

He's a guy.

She agreed to stay with me

and

we're like a couples counseling

at church and homosexual

counseling, like homosexual healing

to get these nasty thoughts out of my head.

But if you're effeminate, you can't come

over because she's going to think that i'm having someone over for again because i was doing

it that's i was doing this on craigslist i was meeting guys and them no no oh good can you

bring your wife with you so that she doesn't think that you know that you're gay or can you tell her

when you get here like look i just want you to know i'm not gay and show your ring to her like

look i'm married you see sure do you have like a wedding album you can bring no no no no seriously

come on look i gotta sell this stuff to afford the classes that i'm taking with her if not she's

is going to leave me and the only reason i'm staying with her is because her dad is loaded

and he's a heart patient he's going to kick the bucket and i'll be able to get half if i can make

it a few more years you know what i mean then i'll come out of the closet and open the sauna and all

that stuff that i've been wanting to do but for now i gotta stick it up there i'll put my bisexual

friend on the line go ahead one of you oh jesus jesus christ are you gonna come out here a lot

I would love to

like just take a look at your bare ass

and just airtight

Jesus Christ I bet you have a velvet

throat Jesus Christ

your Jesus Christ

doesn't work with a white voice

Jesus Christ

it doesn't work when you're duped

white

seriously it doesn't

Jesus Christ

this is one of the nougat all over you

Listen motherfucker

That's the wrong number

He's on the other line

Oh shit

Hey dude

Are you working in a recording studio

You really suck ass man

You're the worst that's why it's closing down

I know cause you suck at recording

Hey can I

I think he just

Listened to the voicemail and thought it was

Shit

I think he's starting to do it finally

Yeah, he was bitching about the fucking recording shit.

Obviously, he's a big-time guy, you know, trying to get shit off of Craigslist.

He's trying to get the free equipment.

Yeah, yeah.

For the good shit.

Whatever.

I'll keep him on standby here.

Pick up the band, Ski, if he's listening.

Calling him on the other line, listening to the voice belgian.

He's like, these motherfuckers.

You saved that number, right, Ken?

I'm presuming, because you're going to...

Oh, yeah, I saved it.

I'm guessing you're going to make a Craigslist ad with it, probably.

Probably, eventually.

I just, like, call in and bitch at them when they answer.

I'm like, hey, hang up the phone.

I want to check my voicemail.

And that always fucks them up.

Like, fuck you, motherfucker.

Yeah, because they know.

All right.

Here's the voicemail.

Let's listen to it.

Okay.

That's the dude, I think.

Yeah, no, no, no.

That's not that guy.

That's the guy that keeps trolling my number.

The one that puts the ads out?

Yeah.

Or who's this now?

Who did I just say to call?

That's that guy, the fucking dog guy that likes to be combative.

His woman's a fucking pothead who watches the kid while high.

Hey, this is John Holman.

Bad bitch.

Tell me how big your cock is.

Great, it's fucking appreciated.

Please enter your password.

You have one saved message.

Main menu.

Never mind, hang up.

That's all I have to say.

Ready to turn it on.

It's just a guy going, uh, I was calling about your puppy.

Uh, okay.

Okay. I'm looking for

Junk Busters. We were just playing that prank call.

This guy's the really racist guy.

He's in Long Beach

and it's Junk Busters.

The one guy that threatened to throw

I forget who did the prank.

Throw him down the jailhouse steps

or some shit. The jail stairs, yeah.

Yeah, jail stairs.

The prank that we were just playing during the break.

He also told Artie that he was

going to have him biting the jail bars.

He was going to throw him over the boulder with a refrigerator

or some shit, too.

He doesn't like Mexicans. Let's see if he answers.

Yes, hello. You do junk hauling?

Yes. What city?

My name is Carlos. I'm in Long Beach.

Okay. What can I do for you, Carlos?

My phone battery,

if it conks out,

I'll have to call you back

probably tomorrow. Don't be an asshole.

What?

all right i'm by the los altos park here

in long beach it's on los altos park yeah it's off of two lane avenue okay yeah and yeah what

What do you need?

I've got a whole house full of, it's a foreclosed house, and it's got a bunch of electronics.

I'm sure you could swap them out, get some parts, sell them.

No, I don't swap stuff out like that.

No?

All right, but I've got a whole bunch of house trash, like anything you can think of.

I just need help hauling as much of it as you can, that you can, and the rest I'll have to, I guess, figure out.

Okay, are you willing to pay?

Well, I guess, yeah, sure.

Yeah, because I don't work for nothing.

I mean, the dump fees are not cheap.

I have a one-ton, eight-foot bed, heavy-duty pickup truck with sideboards.

Yeah, is that for your mom?

Is that for my what?

Your mom, your mother, your big, fat mom.

Is that for my mother, my big, fat mother?

Yeah, asshole.

You're a real fucking asshole, maricón.

Oh, am I?

Yeah, you're a fucking motherfucker, yo.

What's up, homie?

Hello?

Yeah, what's up, homie?

What's up, SA?

I hear you got a lot of growing up to do.

You got the right...

You're a motherfucker, and you picked the wrong motherfucker to fuck with and be rude with, motherfucker.

What a jerk.

What an asshole you are.

He just called you a jerk.

Yeah, I was going to play his prank call for him just to get here.

I'm going to tell him I'm going to post it on Yelp.

Dude, that's awesome.

You're a jerk.

That's fucking

You are a jerk

I piss people off too

Those motherfuckers pick up

They have nothing else to resort to

They're just like you jerk

I was wanting to get all angry

Hi you have reached Michael with Junkbuster

We provide the truck

The loading and the fuck

Okay try on him again

Pick up motherfucker

I liked the jerk

It sounded like he's explaining things

To a five year old

We have a truck

You have reached

Please enter your password

I'm sorry, that is not the correct password

Please re-enter your password

I'm sorry, you're having trouble

I'm sorry, an operator is not

Operator is never available

Yeah, of course, what's that about

She's getting so mad at me for saying hack it

When we get a fuck up

Shut up

You have reached Michael with

It's a junk button.

Fuck Michael.

Fuck him in the ass.

Yeah.

See, that'd be some good shit if we could get into old Michael's voicemail and change that shit.

Yeah.

This is Michael.

We're no longer in business, so fuck you.

I'd spice up the prank calls that I've done to him and make him say some fucking really racist shit.

You fucking wetback.

The shit he says to the recluse.

Calls him a wetback.

Tells him he doesn't...

Well, we already talked about what he said.

Look, here's Gio, who's selling a Tempur-Pedic single bed.

I think this is the same one.

I think they're still trying to sell the one.

Who the fuck can spend the money for a Tempur-Pedic bed?

I'm in a very good area.

I know.

In my dorm.

The most comfortable confined area in the world.

Yeah.

It doesn't seem not cheap.

I sleep on a couch.

I had the pillow once.

Just the pillow.

It was really good.

I got it at Brookstone.

You're at Brookstone.

This is Gio message.

Ho, ho, ho.

Hey, Dash, you want to know if you spoofed your caller ID to the Chunk Busters number?

Do you think it'd put you right through to the voicemail?

It might.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it would.

Hello?

Yeah, hey, man.

You have a Tempur-Pedic bed, huh?

For sale?

No, man.

It's one o'clock in the morning, man.

It's one, yeah, I know it's one o'clock, yeah.

Why'd you get a single?

That's pussy.

Oh, I was just typing in to remember to do the spoof.

It was one o'clock.

Can you spoof numbers?

I cannot.

No, I don't have a spoof card.

Mr. Carter and Brad.

And Brad.

Hey, this is George.

Just leave me a message.

Thank you.

Hey, now he'd have to host and everything.

Yeah, because his server thing.

Whatever.

26-inch woman's bicycle.

Let's get this one.

This one is for Matt.

Is that big?

We're going to get one for Ben.

Normal size wheels.

Yeah, 26 inch.

Is that sexy?

I don't know.

It has a basket.

Oh, your bicycle has a basket on it?

A woman's bicycle?

Yes, uh-huh.

A 26, is that one of those three-wheel ones?

No, no, it's a regular two-wheel bicycle.

Oh, good, yeah, that's cool, that's cool, yeah.

I want to, I have a Chihuahua, I want to put him in the basket in front.

Okay.

And then I want to shoot the bike down this hill in the Walmart parking lot.

Where are you at?

I'm at the Walmart parking lot.

Oh, okay.

You're talking off of Woodruff Road?

Yeah, motherfucker.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

So I got this dog.

I'm going to put him in the basket in the bicycle.

And I'm going to hold the bicycle out the car window,

make it get up to like 30 miles an hour and let go.

At the end of the thing, there's a retention pond

and like a steep hill that goes down to it.

You're telling me this.

Well, because I want to make the dog fly.

Okay, so you're going to buy the bike or what?

Well, do you want to sell it still?

Do you want to sell it to me?

Oh, yeah, if you want to buy it.

Is it a sexy...

Matt was asking, is it a sexy bike?

It needs to be real sexy.

It needs to have a lot of sexy...

No, it's not sexy.

It's just a woman's bike.

That's all.

Did you sit in it?

What?

Did you sit in it?

Did you use it?

Shit.

She knew where I was going.

Nougat.

It's got a nice scent to it.

I need a dildo handlebar.

I was going there with the seat, but...

How's the dog voice going at noon here?

Jackie, how does your bicycle seat smell?

Like old clams.

How do you think?

How do you think, Jackie?

All right, let's check those dashy numbers.

That's right.

Oh, yeah, spoofing that number, it asked for a password.

For the junk bus.

Oh, yeah, that sucks.

Because if not, you could have gotten straight through to that motherfucker.

Oh, fuck.

That's how they get you.

That's how they get you, man.

I've got to look through all these.

The emails, the boxes.

Yeah, I know.

One of these days, it's all going to get centralized.

But we're working on it, right?

Sure.

Everything's in beta forever, dude.

The whole internet's in beta.

Lost wallet at a VA hospital.

We already called that, right?

Yeah, I already called that.

That was last week.

I've got to find Dashie's numbers.

Like, I mean, if you didn't want to broadcast, do everything on Skype and everything's here.

Be in the chat.

Trying to get a thousand things going.

Yeah, well, not a thousand, but just several things.

I've got people coming at me and flashing all over the place.

Yeah, it's rough, yo.

It gets crazy.

All right.

I feel for you.

I have a lost wallet.

Do you have his wallet, or did he lose it?

I talked to him yesterday.

I mean.

Remember I had two guys talking to each other about,

oh you were gone at that point i had two guys talking about their wallets at the same time

i can't find dashie's uh request to prank with uh did he say he sent it already or that he was

going to no he sent them already according to him nope i don't see what is it two days ago

yeah these are two days ago i don't know if he means the same ones let me see if he's flashing

in here jdf is flashing what do you think about it it's like jazzy shit too yeah i try to switch

second half with the blaster with one thing over and over again dude you still laugh at me at job

sites like just playing jazz look at you back here jazz is real chill i just be fucked up like

sweeping the floor like yeah whatever laugh on listen your classic rock over and over again the

same shit this jazz is a little different all right look i'm posting some uk call numbers here

We'll get to those.

I got those ready here.

Oh, wow.

Oh, you had numbers too, Turbo.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Oh, from Hay.

Yeah, those four little blue.

Go through these first.

No, I mean those Hay numbers are already up there.

Yeah, I see them.

I think so.

So much.

Like, you need a lot of screens.

Yeah, it's a lot of copy-pasting too.

And you got to get really fast with it.

It's a lot of copy-pasting.

You'll figure it out.

Well, I mean, you're learning it now because you're doing the show.

Yeah.

mondays so yeah it's still like it's a struggle especially when people start like facebook

messaging me and shit i don't pay attention to it at all i don't pay attention to facebook or

anything well i get the like bloop and then turn it off yeah no i don't i just post one message i

can't i mean if i had someone helping me out here they could watch it for me or was doing the music

on the side helping me out in the studio but i don't so anyway okay so the numbers from hey i

I've got him here in front of me.

Personal massage for free was the Craigslist ad,

and these are all people who responded back.

They're all female, so he was asking for a female, I'm guessing?

I don't know.

I don't think so.

Okay.

I don't see anything about that in the ad here.

Okay, cool.

Well, let's do it.

Or wait, no, I guess the whole text isn't in here, but I don't know.

He mentions attachments, you know, that has certain implications.

Yeah, I got you.

Okay.

All right, here's the first one, Jessica.

Hello?

Yeah, is that Jessica?

Yes, it's me.

How are you?

Good, and you?

Good.

You've responded back about the massage.

Is that correct?

I'm sorry, the what?

The massage and the attachment.

Let me put someone else on, because I'm lost.

I have no clue.

Turbo, what do you got for her?

Yeah, you responded to the advertisement for the free personal massager?

Yes.

Yeah, that's my wife's, and yeah, we're moving out.

She doesn't need it anymore.

more but anyway um let's see here oh yeah she wanted me to mention there's a there's a bit of

a problem with it there's um kind of some like dried material on the handle she can't get off

um she was using it you know during that time of the month and it's just it's just a small area

you know like two by three inches with some uh kind of brown crust she's like okay i get it now

Yeah, I see. Now I was able to read the whole thing.

Basically, it's like a Hitachi

magic wand. Yeah, she said he put it

he sent those numbers in IRC

and also in Skype.

Okay, I see them in IRC now.

There's too many things to deal with.

Sorry, I'm not available right now.

You're not available right now?

Alright, so yeah, and obviously it's all women

that replied back to this shit.

They know what it's for.

One of giant vibrator.

Well, no, this next one, it's

a husband responding

On his wife's behalf

My wife could use that much

Appreciate it

He's got a small dick probably

I can't break it

Feel for him

You responded to the ad

About the personal massager

Yeah

I still have that available

So you need it for your wife

Yeah

Now I just want to clarify

This is a massager

Not a sex toy okay

I don't know if you're some sort of sex pervert.

It's just for relieving back pain.

And the attachments, they just get in between the shoulder blades, all that.

Right.

So, just got to ask, though, how many fingers can your wife take?

You know, how many fingers?

You know, you go out for a nice dinner, and there are candles,

and you kind of just slip your hand under the table.

and yeah how many fingers okay but this is not for sex okay it's just back massager and uh it's

completely non-functional is that going to be a problem like when you plug it in it starts

sparking and there's a weird humming noise okay um yeah i i got nothing all right let me talk to

this right listen here buddy when's the last time you laid the fucking pipe to your wife

but when's the last time you fucked your old lady so like is that why she uh she had you apply for

this uh masturbatorial device uh because your cock just isn't getting it done or what no your

dick's not getting it done how big's your dick fuck okay uh so my buddy asked uh how many how

many how many fingers your wife can take how many fingers can yeah how many fingers can you take

there buddy i don't know i want you to check right now like we're talking uh one or two fingers in

the ass or what i want you to check right now reach your uh reach your hand down your pants

and uh see how many you can plug right into your asshole seven and a half where are you starting

from from his asshole what the fuck is going on with that guy he sounds super sedated and that's

people can't get hard and he's like whatever i can't fuck my wife yeah these guys pop in

xanax like smarties that's probably what's wrong with him he's on antidepressants and he can't get

it hard and he's just like fuck it somebody he's got one of those fucking smarty dispensers

and shit full of xanax she's fucking popping the heads and shit and taking them yeah i'm

sorry matt didn't interrupt you did you have a good point no i was just saying you got like

mellowest callers there are people to call tonight like none of them are argumentative

they're really medicated tonight seriously

maybe that's the sad

station of the nation

alright I'm

pasting some shit here in the Skype

chat real quick

these are some dashy numbers

nobody puts Hillock in a corner

where'd Baz go? Baz dropped when he dropped

he said he'd be back

he dropped back when he took that break

like 45 minutes ago

no cause I was like I got UK numbers for him

he's not here

Baz is so good

he said he was going to try to be back before

the show ended, but he wasn't making

any promises. Yeah. Well, he's

a family man. Yeah, Baz is a good cat.

Alright, here's the first one. So, this is

a Time Warner Cable

Internet Sucks post. Let me look at the

Twitter. Twitter complainer.

Yeah. Okay.

Opening it up. Come on, Chrome.

You can do it. Well, since

Come on, Chrome.

Since Comcast

bought out Time Warner Cable, tell them

we don't have to give a fuck anymore.

more yeah all right so cool that i can't even upload a 40 meg file to dropbox without my

time warner cable internet going out oh yeah the file is what does it you stupid

it's probably copyrighted material or something it's being screened out

video today and i was shocked with my new internet it flew up like two or three minutes

well i heard you uh talking so much about this yeah you were so check out check out time warner

Cable's response, the standard

response. I apologize for the

connection issue. Are you using a wired connection

or a wireless connection?

Yeah, here we have basic bullshit

troubleshooting.

Are you using wireless

or...

I get pissed when they ask me that, Don.

I'm like, listen, I already went through the

troubleshooting bullshit before I called you.

I was like, you motherfuckers have a problem.

Go ahead

and reboot your modem, please.

let me talk to him if you if don't mind okay i'm the on-call supervisor please

where's the train whistle

there we go your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message

oh yeah the train whistle's right here next to my ipad

it'd be better if it was made of nougat it'd be gone i would have eaten it by now

I'd have been gumming on it for the last day.

Okay, enough of the ringing.

Encore in the chest says it's the Nougat train.

The Nougat train?

The Nougat bullet.

That's the name of the train.

I guess they named those trains, right?

Because remember the call yesterday, the lady was like, which train was it?

And I guess they do all have names.

That is just bullshit, though.

Yeah, I know.

Like, they named whatever a liner.

I don't know what train I'm going to use.

The only one I know is Orient Express, which isn't even real.

I don't think.

I'm sure I'm on the superliner.

No, that was a real route.

It was from somewhere

to Istanbul.

Oh, okay.

Oh, this could be good.

Here's the Twitter

for the next guy.

Wow, I thought a Comcast was rough,

but at Verizon

there's a whole new level of incompetency.

I've been explaining what a modem

is for 25 minutes.

You know the modem is where the interconnection comes to you.

It's Thursday.

All right.

Will you please turn the power on?

Is it off again?

All right, Curtis.

Let me try this.

Oh, this is even better.

We tried, but the agent didn't know what difference between a router and a modem.

Told us to go to Walmart to get a cable.

Hey, what's up, you guys?

This is Curtis Parks.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm a little busy.

Hey, Curtis Parks here.

You know what would be funny is to call him up once he answered and be like,

did you go to Walmart and get that cable?

Yeah.

Did you get the cable yet?

Because I have to.

Hey, what's up, you guys?

This is Curtis Parks.

I can't.

He checked it or tried to.

I'm saving him.

He's a little too fucking upbeat for me.

What's up?

This is Curtis Parks.

I'm like some kind of weirdo vulture.

I saved Curtis.

I've been saving a lot of numbers now, too, man.

Fuck it.

I'm like, dude, we need to start making our note.

I've lost so many in all these years.

I've got all the numbers, but they're not organized.

I literally just have one massive log from Lonesome Loser that's been going back years and years and years.

We took the massive hit when Michelle fucking stopped paying our bills, and we lost that number.

Yeah, and then the Asiatic Black guy also took his shit down, but he's still on Skype.

Hopefully, he'll show up.

What the fuck, Hillock?

Your buddy, the Asiatic, isn't paying his fucking bills.

he was really friendly i liked him yeah this new account uh someone just i just make friends with

people it kind of sucks i'm on skype making friends calling people up and bothering them

all right here's someone who wanted to switch to verizon from t-mobile but didn't do it because

they don't have a limited data plan all right i can make a deal this is that's that's a pretty

Pretty short haircut for a woman.

It says USMC on her shit.

Female USMC.

Really?

Pretty sure they don't make you shave your head if you're a female Marine.

That's just her.

That's a funny Twitter handle, though.

Female USMC.

Bold like.

Joe and the funds ring.

And no one picking up all the funds.

we need the other

Christian Marine

I'm saying

you guys suck

you can help

motivate us

we'll be like

motherfucker

if he was for real

but he was like

prank call

drill sergeant

he was super effeminate

man for a Marine

he was just like

yeah

well he's a Christian

whatever

that's his beard

the Marines

are his beard

cause he can't get

he doesn't wanna get married

at least he didn't get married

and ruin some broad's life

when he gets caught

in a restaurant

when he gets caught in a truck stop

restroom at some point

Pastor Bill was arrested today

in connection with the sting

undercover

maybe he's just a clutgrass cunt

that figured out he can call himself

Pastor and fuck everybody

in his so called church

alright here's Big Kim

who's upset at AT&T

customer care 18 years with them

and is now happy to be

change carriers

barriers to sprint doesn't inflate prices that are supposed to be fixed she uses no punctuation

she's like fuck pocket i said i have time for that i'm calm i'm calm i don't need punctuation

thank you thank you oh my god

you have reached the richardsons please leave a message and we'll get back with you

Wasn't the same guy butthurt that I said I threw rocks at a dog,

but I didn't know that he had a broken leg until afterwards,

and then I was like, ah, shit.

Fuck that.

People eat this.

Somewhere right now someone's eating a dog.

Yeah, I believe.

China.

Yeah.

Life is cheap.

Orientalists are chopping up dogs.

At least that fucking dog got found and was at the vet getting care.

Yeah.

You could be in a pot right now

cooking somewhere in Asia.

I got a fucking magazine right here

fucking flaming dogs.

Dr. Baz could be

giving it a head transplant

or doing any

number of cruel experiments

on it, yeah.

That's not giving that dog a new life.

Dude, that's pretty cruel, man.

Whatever.

Well, it depends on what the dog head gets transplanted

onto, I guess.

They just kept it alive

Plugged into another dog for a minute

Right

What if you transplant it to like a gorilla

That'd be an upgrade

It would be an upgrade right

Or like a human body builder

If you give it the strength and body of a gorilla

And well

Not the intelligence

A gorilla is smarter than a dog

It doesn't have control of the body though

It's just on it

Like a gorilla

He's like I imagine all day

They'd be like, why do you just keep grass and shit, man?

Just kill these humans and eat some shit.

let's get out of here you're fucking big you got a point bust the fuck out yo

funny enough that is the plot of the remake of planet of the apes

pretty much is it should be if it isn't spoiler alert spoiler alert sorry guys if you didn't know

Alright, Jeremy wants Comcast to give him

Playboy Channel for free?

What?

This is a pretty funny

post, actually.

Actually, when I worked for Comcast,

you got Playboy for free.

He said he only wants it for 20 minutes, and he says

it's to make up for his slow internet.

He actually got a response from Camille

at Comcast, who said, sorry for the late

response, just checking to see if you're still having

internet issues.

What do you need Playboy for?

If you want to watch some fucking going on,

I'm using the internet, you motherfucker.

He's saying his internet's too slow for the fuck,

so he wants to play a boy.

It's never too slow to look at some fucking...

She looks kind of hot, too.

I mean, shit, I remember the fucking 90s

when you had to fucking sit there

waiting for the goddamn, you know,

300 by 600 JPEG to load.

Yeah.

I used to run a 14-form rip in shit

that I carted off of BBSs,

and now it's more than enough.

this guy's uptight because no one gives a shit about the playboy channel anymore especially

having to pay for when there's so much free porn what would you even want to watch the tame ass

playboy channel because you're a go just go to the fucking store and get a fucking hustler or

something it's like jerking off really it really is like jerking off to i'd rather jerk off to a

Rated R

That fucking black swan

Hello?

Hello, yes, uh, this is Jerry

I understand you have a complaint about your internet speed

I was supposed to go to do a little bit of, uh, troubleshoot

Nope, that's not me

You have a slow internet, you asked for the Playboy channel for free

Nope, that's not me

Is it Jeremy?

No, no, no, no, that's not my name

I'm going to put on Mr. Turbois to help you out, please.

Thank you.

Have a good one.

Mr. Turbois, hello?

Hello?

I don't know.

Whatever.

That's my accent.

Trying to put in a realistic gap there.

He's like, no, that's not me.

My accent was shit.

Goddamn Twitter.

I knew it would bite me in the ass.

Delete account.

Hello?

Same guy.

What's up, man?

Putting you through.

Hi, this is Robert Turbois.

You've been escalated to my level.

This is Jeremy with the Slow Internet.

No, my name is Jeremy.

Jeremy is not my name.

I never called anything about Slow Internet.

I'm sorry.

So you're not interested in free Playboy channel?

What?

You said you want the Playboy channel for free.

And we'll actually do one better on that.

You can star in an episode of Fuck Puppet 11 as well as getting the channel for free.

Do you like sex, sir?

Nope, I'll be back.

Okay.

Um, I don't know.

The computer's just gonna do it, probably.

Can you take me off your list?

Because I don't have any kind of internet with you or anything.

Uh, sure.

You'll just need to enter a code into your phone.

Yeah, okay.

That's not gonna happen.

Just put in 66669 and then the pound.

Thank you.

Poor Twins.

Was that not the dude?

I don't know.

He's pretty adamant about it.

Is that him again?

Did you see the background on his Twitter page?

It's a unicorn with a

rainbow coming behind it

and the head is a middle finger going up.

Hello?

Hey, honey, baby.

Hey!

This is the internet.

Sorry, Cross is trying to talk to you.

Listen, we don't want internet.

And if you call, we will track your number

and we will call the cops, okay?

No, you won't.

Do not call us anymore.

Don't do it. Put Jeremy on the phone.

You're going to call some cocks?

I'm sorry, man.

You're going to suck your husband's cock?

I apologize.

She's like, I'll do it.

I'll suck his dick.

You go back again, I'm going to get a mouthful, motherfucker.

All right.

Here's Beth.

Poor Beth is having trouble using the phone.

Big Beth.

Yeah, Big Beth.

And I will not do a stupid Indian accent this time.

She is pretty convincing.

Is there an Indian accent that isn't stupid?

Yeah, good point.

Realistic

That's a fucking problem

The number you have dialed is not in service

Good one, Dashie

She really can't use her phone

Oh yeah, hello

I didn't think about that

That would have been a pretty weak prank call

I'd like to talk to Eric

Eric, okay

He doesn't like Time Warner Cable, apparently

Well, he could suck our dick

Because they just merged with Comcast

And we don't give a fuck

You're fucking crazy

You think he had bad customer service before, motherfucker?

Welcome to the Comcast Network.

He used a Soviet Russia phone.

But he cares.

But he picks up.

That's every time I want to talk to someone that I need.

You read Eric's voice now?

Every time.

You're going to leave a message.

No message.

Try him again if he doesn't answer with a crystal.

He was double charged by United Airlines.

Ooh.

That's because he's a fat motherfucker who required two seats.

I bet you that's what it was, motherfucker.

She does look kind of big.

That might be the case here.

She sees no credit for the duplicate charges.

There's been a back and forth between United and her.

So do these places really straight up do a good job at answering back on Twitter?

Is that the shit you got to do these days?

It's the new world, man.

Yeah.

They seem to answer.

Every one of these, there's always an answer coming back from all these companies.

Shit.

Damn it.

Let me play music.

There's a whole exchange here, yeah.

Yeah.

You're a music.

I'm a music.

I can sing a song.

It sounds like she got hung up with the TSA also.

Because the United said the TSA uses random and unpredictable screening measures.

Therefore, you're not guaranteed expedited screening.

I know it was disconnected.

Well, at least she didn't get a fucking full cavity search.

Yeah, they could have really fucked up her day

Ma'am, if you want to really start some shit

We'll put you on a no-fly list

And we'll give you a cavity search just for the hell of it

Have fun taking the fucking Greyhound

Or the Amtrak

With the fucking chickens and bass

Alright, so we got Jay who's pissed off

Because in the basketball playoffs

College hoops

Every year he loses one of the sports channels

Every year, on time

I'll talk to him, I'll tell him to man the fuck up

Wait a minute

Which one is this?

I have him as Jay

Happens every year

In Maine

Jason, Jason, I'm sorry, Jason

Hi, this is Jay, I can't answer your call right now

Please leave me a message and I'll call you back

Thank you

Oh, he's pissed at the Time Warner outage

I'll get this

Well, it's actually

If there's any time

time there's any kind of behind it yeah pretty much it goes nowhere

i'm not gonna call any calls anymore because they don't answer

don't answer what do you do with your office chair i drag it in in the shitter

oh okay all right here's someone pisses century links is we're never going to use them again

hours on the phone each month

assurances, account is really closed

and it's still a bill that didn't go through

so it's invalid

I got the laptop sitting on the shower chair

on a towel

and I'm sitting in an office chair

place to be

I guess so

that number's not working, did I miss a digit?

maybe

no, they all fit

they all fit, you got them all in my anus

buddy

alright, nice, nice and tight

You could throw some beers in the toilet tank there, Matt.

Alright, well that one didn't work.

Someone's pissed at AT&T.

I only got one beer left.

I can walk to the fridge now, man.

Why are they pissed at you?

At AT&T, not me.

Oh, okay.

I'm not AT&T.

I'm going to take a video by the AT&T.

Who did we lose on the conference?

Ken.

Oh, no. Dwight.

Pablo Chacon.

I'll try to keep it.

Come on, Susan.

pick up big suzy big sue i think she's getting called broad's big whatever they get mad real

mad have any of these picked up at all just one yeah that that one at the beginning yeah

you think it's obama's fault yeah everything is i almost spit beer on my nose yeah that's

obama's fault too thanks obama all right grabbing some more here from dashy oh yeah

Yeah, because they're going through, like, gangbusters.

Yeah, they're just working out great.

Let me post these here for you guys to look at.

Now I'll post them here in my notepad.

I'll research them.

Yeah, research them, please.

S-coordinates, triangulate it.

All right.

Did you ever see this old shitty horror movie called Ghost House?

No.

Like, how old is it?

It's like 80s.

It's a Fulci movie, I think.

Okay.

Or maybe.

But there's one point when they're, like, doing shit on the computer

and they're, like, tracking a phone number

and they're like, we're triangulating the signal.

And they're showing it.

Like, it's so good.

Okay.

It's fucking great.

That's what they always threaten.

That's what they guys, whenever they threaten that on me,

it's just what I imagine they think, yeah,

we're going to make them think we're doing this.

Yeah.

Oh, look, it's Comcast Camille again.

Oh, yeah.

She's all over the place.

She's been all around, you know.

She's like the elevator.

Everyone gets a ride.

Camille.

Wow.

Zing.

yeah uh what's the best way for him to check the status of service

ability requests blah blah blah he submitted he was just asking a question huh all right well

fuck them service ability you need to fucking cross stuck in the elevator i think of that

shit every time i hear the elevator cables yeah i got you guy like seriously concerned

and saying no sir don't cross any wires no do not cross any wires he was fearful

the girl's like you're the shit wow really you fixed it wow you aren't bouncing in

nice that we can just talk about old shows

i really do think about that every day

You have to take the elevator

To do that

Oh fuck yeah I live on the seventh floor

Oh fuck that shit

At least you got an elevator

You're not afraid of it being stuck in there

Would everyone ever know

No I got stuck in the elevator with my moms

Oh yeah

Up on the like

Fucking 23rd floor

Of the old building

It went up and it shot like higher

Than the top and the firemen

Had to come get us out

and it was like half up and they had to like lower us down and we had all this beer because

there was my sister's hey hello brian yeah yeah hi sir uh brian kramer this is cross i'm calling

from comcast i understand you were having an issue with service i have your ticket here i need to

close it it is one for the money right yeah i know but we're trying to close our tickets before we

We hit 3 a.m.

We close them all before 3 a.m.

That's when we change over the next business day.

Well, I've been waiting for a phone call back for three days.

So I didn't want to do that the last three days.

Yeah, that's why I picked up your ticket.

That's why I wanted to call you as soon as I got it.

I couldn't wait anymore.

Well, I appreciate that, except you literally just woke me up,

and I don't have any of my information in front of me.

All right, I'm just going to close the ticket.

I'm just going to close the ticket, and you can call back

and start from the beginning again then.

How about that?

Because I'm not going to let it affect my stats.

Well, let me ask you a question.

Sure, buddy.

What are you?

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter?

So you want me to answer or no?

Yeah, I'm asking you.

I'm with, okay, no problem.

I'm with tier three customer support.

I'm basically one step below a manager right now.

Okay, because I call corporate already.

I spoke to whatever they have over there.

Yeah.

I waited eight minutes, three different times on hold to speak to somebody.

Yeah.

And so are you, I'm not familiar with your corporate structure.

or is that above you or below you?

I am above them.

Okay.

Yeah, they escalate those up to me,

and I take care of those when, you know.

Basically, when we get, like, you know,

we call it the PETA department, P-I-T-A,

pain in the ass department, around here.

That's what we call it around here.

In the headquarters, we usually don't tell that to customers,

but you seem pretty cool.

Anyway, so if you want, I'll close the ticket,

and you can call back and start from scratch again, I guess.

I don't understand if you can't if you're refusing service from me. Hello. I'm not refusing service from you

All right, so let's find out what's going on. What kind of issue you were having with your speed. So he's gone

I'm just ready to do a blog post. Yeah, he's only done like one this year

I don't think it's happening. You can follow him over at what's up Brian calm

Apparently is his

Hey, is that him again?

That's your fourth number.

You have read...

Okay.

He wasn't happy with that pain in the ass department thing, right?

Yeah.

I don't know why he even talked, because I was being...

Telling my stupid story at the beginning.

Or maybe...

Yeah, you were going for quite a while.

Yeah, I felt so bad.

And then I was like, it seemed that it stopped with a little ringing thing.

I apologize, man.

It's all right.

I let you go.

It was kind of funny.

He's like, yeah, no, it was really funny.

He still said hello.

It was like some guy.

I saved him.

I'll call Brian.

From tier three customer service.

About section on his blog is kind of sad.

the third paragraph is about how he got retweeted by uh andrew zimmerman from the travel channel

that is cool one of you that's a life achievement for him one of these echoing i'm not sure which

one am i okay what meet yourself echo yeah meet yourself oh i hear that i think it's matt matt

you're echoing i think what did i try to call a link a url that was pretty stupid okay uh i meant

to paste that here.

Hello, am I echoing?

No, I was echoing back at myself,

but I'm not anymore, so we're okay.

Okay, sometimes

I need to get a new headset.

I miss the old

voice changer.

Beth says that

Time Warner is the worst internet provider

customer service ever. We'll try to wake

her up. She's had an exchange already.

Again, her name is Beth. You want to take that,

Mr. Turbois? Sure.

I've been monopolizing calls today

and, to be honest, I'm not too happy with myself.

But, hey, we do the best we can.

I have a salty taste in my mouth.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

I don't know why...

I got it.

Yeah, thank you.

Should I invite...

I have a different window up.

See, that's what you're talking about, Matt,

with the different windows and the confusion and the juggling around.

Yeah.

And I haven't played music in a long time, too.

It gets to me, too, man.

You don't bother with music and shit, though.

You don't really bother with music.

no i wish like i could just get nice well but zax is doing all my broadcasting

like yeah he could play some music he could just tell you i'm playing yeah well but i could just

i don't know i like that he he was talking about he was on the chat the other day when we were on

uh doing the show and people are like fucking this is laugh track matt he's a fucking a co-host

maybe Edic is cussed

he's like I'm the fucking cuss

what the fuck are you talking about

he's like what the fuck you do know I talk

yeah he does talk and no one notices him

he passes out

early he's been smoking dope

well that'll do it

I heard that dope in London is pretty

well dope the weed in London is pretty bad

yeah well he smokes it with

tobacco too

oh that's the spliff stuff

and all that shit

Yeah, they're into that over there.

He calls, like, the filter

and the roach.

Oh, okay. Well, whatever.

Well, the filter, too? That just seems like it would get in the way.

Whatever.

Alright, United Airlines has pissed off a person

named Daniel who wants to have the tickets

reimbursed. Why is this?

Let me look.

It's a big exchange.

I would be into a jelly that tastes like

Mountain Dew that you can put on a peanut butter

and jelly sandwich.

Peanut butter and jelly sandwich with Mountain Dew jelly?

Probably make it if you've got some pectin and some Mountain Dew.

Boil it down.

Yeah, get the essence.

Or some stem cells, and then you grow.

Well, you can just buy the syrup, too, anyway.

Just get a thing of the syrup.

You get down with the people at 7-Eleven, they let you dick around in the back.

Okay, look, United and Daniel are going into an argument because, why?

He tried to buy a ticket.

it the lousy system sold him a ticket for next week and he had to oh okay he was at the airport

trying to buy one and he gave him for the wrong week well i'm going to tell him you know what as

a matter of fact we're finding out here you're the one that picked the wrong date so refund

canceled 7-eleven across the street my old building used to order 30 packs just for me

and i was allowed to just go back in the back cooler and get them there it's just mine like

Like, they weren't on the shelf at all.

But you don't go to a 7-Eleven where you used to live, you said, right?

Yeah, yeah.

The one that we had the Playboys take off the shelf for the underage girls.

Where I went and videotaped them.

So you're like their best customer kind of thing?

They're like, hey, man.

Yeah, they used to lock up at night, but they let me in because they got robbed too many times.

Poor little Indian cats.

Would I just be like, I need...

Hello?

Yeah, hello, is that Daniel?

This is Daniel.

Yeah, I'm calling from United Airlines, calling regarding the issue you had with the UX ticket you purchased.

Excuse me, who is this?

Oh, gosh, it's kind of loud over there, huh?

Yeah, you're calling pretty late at night.

What's the story?

Well, you were needing a refund on a ticket that you purchased.

Yeah, are you calling from United?

Yes, I am.

I'm calling regarding the refund.

refund. I'm the evening auditor. I'm here to audit

that. Yeah, this all started at about 10 this morning.

Yeah, I know. Well, I'm here to finish it. Okay, cool. Yeah, I need a refund.

Yeah, we're going to cancel that. According to this, it's looking at

you selected that date. It's confirmed. No, that's not what happened.

That's not what happened. You'll be the third person to explain this to.

Yeah, well, the computer... Oh, go ahead. Here we go.

No, no, no. Don't tell me about your computer.

Here we go.

Your website is the worst website I've used on an airline.

I haven't flown you guys in about, I think I flew you guys in about early 09 once.

But I haven't flown you guys since then, and your website is why.

I fly constantly. I'm halfway through it.

I went from New York to L.A., and I'm flying from San Francisco back to New York, all on miles.

This is the only flight I had to buy.

You guys had a great price.

I scattered it through Kayak, put in the dates.

Your site kept crashing every time I tried to add my mileage,

which it couldn't find my mileage plus, whatever your mileage program is.

Couldn't find my info.

Kept kicking me out.

Somehow it switched when I went from the round trip to one way.

It switched the date.

The email you sent didn't have any information on it,

so by the time the second email went through, I didn't catch the mistake.

I showed up for my flight an hour before with all my stuff to get on the plane.

Nothing was going through.

Finally, the lady figured out that actually it was for the ticket I purchased for today

ended up being purchased for next week.

I was there for about a half hour of her trying to find fixes that were less than $500.

She didn't find one.

She found me one that was nice, but the friends I'm staying with have a newborn baby,

so I couldn't stay there.

I ended up getting a flight on Southwest.

I'm just trying to get my money back.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

That's all.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Okay.

So, again, your computer failed.

You're probably...

It wasn't my computer.

It was your UX.

Your computer failed, sir.

You have a...

Do you have...

Since you have a dual-core computer...

Excuse me?

You have a dual-core computer?

Why are you talking about my computer?

Well, it all comes through on your cookies when you visit our website.

i've got all the details from your computer and it has i have proof here from the logs that your

computer crashed on your end no it didn't due to high you know you had high network traffic you had

high network traffic on your what's your name on your private network what's your name my name is

cross you had high network traffic on your private network motherfucker another

asshole fucking customer, like always.

What's your name?

I said my name is Cross, and you're just another typical asshole motherfucker.

You know, we are already united.

What?

You're not with United.

Yeah, I do.

What?

Yeah, I do.

You're claiming you work for United

Yes I do

What's your last name?

Valente

I spell that

V-A-L-E-N-T-E

And you're claiming you work for United

Yes I do positively

100% work for United

I can transfer you through to my supervisor

Mr. Robert Terbois if you don't believe me

He's Senior Vice President

Executive of Customer Service

He's the one that made the decision

He's here tonight

I'm the auditor

all right just a moment please yeah mr turbois you're on the line oh hi this is robert turbois

yeah i've got this asshole fucking customer on the line i'm gonna put him through okay let me

just bring up the file here this is uh daniel yeah yeah we're looking at uh the logs from our

end it appears uh there was malware on the device you used yeah purchase the tickets sure looks like

like that Trojan that's going around when you pour and pour.

You actually, you guys totally had me for a second.

Yeah, I know.

It was nice.

You're pretty heated, sir.

Good job.

You're pretty heated, sir.

You need to calm down with that stuff, all right?

You need to calm down.

When customer service people call, I was going to lecture them about it.

Matt, you're echoing again.

I hear myself back on you.

Do you have speakers on instead of your headphones, Matt?

Matt, come on, Matt.

Hey.

All right.

Hey, come on, Matt.

So you need to calm down.

It's when I mute.

So everybody that bitches at home mute.

Oh, I see.

When I'm muted and I come back from mute, there's echo issues.

I understand.

I can see that happening.

Yeah.

I don't.

It's fucking, these things suck.

I thought they were just temporary because I was going to always have the cool voice

changers, but they're so expensive.

Oh, hey, Matt, I wanted to bring you up to speed.

Ken's gone, but.

Yeah.

our friend with the text message voicemail exchange yeah he said three messages here from

him i'm going to leave it in honor of your crackhead ass as your last chance at recording

something my son you are a failure as a recording artist uh-huh he also says you are just a huge

chicken shit and you use your bullshit and to fucking fuck with my phone i have a lawyer stupid

Stupid and fucking with someone's phone, moron, is and FCC violation.

Now you should know that dumbass now I was first shot at all you are giving away

or I will make sure you never record again, ass.

Now what is the address?

I have your phone number and my lawyer can find out who you are.

So tell me now.

That was all one sentence.

No punctuation.

Punctuations are for squares, man.

All pronunciation there was in context.

Call him back.

So he's trolling Craigslist for free shit, but he has an attorney he works with on a regular basis.

He's got an attorney on retainer and everything.

But he never uses his voicemail, though.

Oh, man, where are you going? I'm busy.

I forgot for a second what that was.

It's like, wow

Suddenly it sounds like Ken

I was trying to imitate that

In a call previously

It's hard to tell what it is

I want straight up

I'm going to try to record it myself

I'm going to have to bounce up and down on the bed this weekend

No, he lives far

He's overseas

He's keeping shit over here.

He's got no time for you.

Leave another urgent one.

I'll bear back this motherfucker.

Leave another urgent one.

That was better.

All right.

Very nice.

Let's wake up a bed and breakfast.

Someone has to be there now, right?

B&B.

Yeah, people live there and stay there.

Yeah, they're supposed to at least.

This is some kind of scam.

Some kind of front.

Come on.

come on trying to click it to get the number come on bitch i'm having trouble huh no mom

thank you google maps i hate the new google maps have i mentioned that yet yeah me too i had a

direct link to the old google maps and i don't know why it's not working again how'd they get

you i had to zoom out for us to work great okay bed and breakfast we got those uk numbers but

uh baz never came back hello you have reached the inter410 and we are either away from the phone

What is the other?

Well, guys, I'm sorry, but I've got to go.

Because I just remembered I have physical therapy at 7 in the morning.

It's 2 o'clock right now.

Oh, God damn.

Yeah, I forgot it's at 7.

Yeah, I need to be responsible and go.

But anyway, we had fun.

Thanks, guys, for being here.

Yeah, man, I wish I would have got your message earlier.

No problem.

You were still on for the rest of the show.

I'm glad I got it when I did.

Yep.

It was fun.

Have fun at therapy, man.

All right.

See you, Turbo.

It works.

Thanks for having me on.

Bye.

All right.

So that was Matt, and that was Turbo.

Matt is on Monday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

I believe he's at 10 p.m. Eastern.

And Turbo was on 10 p.m. Eastern on Wednesday nights,

which I mentioned at the beginning of the show.

Yeah.

Remember that?

Beginning of the show.

Anyway, I'm out of here.

Milkman will be back with us next week, in theory.

We'll see how that goes.

Send a new contract with me.

It doesn't kick in until Monday.

so he couldn't be on today's show contract negotiation with milkman successful i can

cross it off the list of many things that we're having to do in order to facilitate the new prank

call nation thanks for everyone who sent the numbers i want to apologize to uh dashy for any

numbers i didn't get to and also to lonesome sorry i know you sent in a lot of numbers today

tonight that i didn't get to sorry i kind of bounced around a lot i kind of fucked around a

we didn't call any of the england numbers i'll hang on to these and i'll share them with the

other guys tomorrow and during the weekend that's what i did with the one lonesome if you're

listening still you're listening still the numbers i didn't get to last week i shared them uh with

jayad and such over the weekend and they were really funny they were really good

yeah all right goodbye everybody catch you next week prank call nation.com

Calls (54, 2 h of 3 h 39 min)

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