The Monkey That Fell Out Of The Tree

Well, fucker, come on, boy, man. Come on, I'm ready. Come here.

Yeah, I'm ready for me to fuck you.

Come here, fucker, come here.

I'm not playing no fucking games, dude.

I, I fuck you, son of a bitch.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you. All night long.

My perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Hey, everybody. I am Carlito, host of Show Machine.

And I am here with Baz.

Hey, Baz.

Baz, what's up, man?

Hey, how much?

What's going on?

I'm good.

How you guys?

Good to hear it.

I'm all right.

Anyway, thanks for joining me, Baz, and of course, everyone else who's joining today.

I appreciate that.

Just jumping into this, I've got a city in, I don't know, I don't know what region of

this.

What's Montana?

What would you call it?

You wouldn't call that the north, would you?

I'd call it the west.

The west?

But it's north as fuck.

Wow.

wow so is north dakota the west even though it's north as fuck oh i don't know what you would call

that yeah it's not the northwest yeah northwest is technically washington oregon and idaho okay

okay i got you hey let's call the ymca i think uh i need to see if i can sleep here getting a bad

echo i'll fix that thank you thank you thank you for reporting it you did the right thing

hey um when you get a chance i checked the madhouse compliance manual good good hey when

When you get a chance, update the whole background sound effects folder in Dropbox.

You've got some that you're using that I don't have yet, I don't think.

I don't remember which ones exactly.

Yeah, when you get a chance.

I like them sound effects.

They're fun.

Let me sync them up.

I've got a few more I haven't even used yet.

Maybe I'll use them today, but regardless, I'll throw them in there, too, after the show.

I'll make a note to sell.

Yeah.

All right.

I'm moving on to Skype, and we'll start with a first call to the YMCA.

but we are ready for shelter hopefully get a nice cot but they got some stew yeah hmm how do i sound

too loud music too loud you got echo sound great sounds sounds real good all good if they picked

up and are just standing there and hung up and i'll kill him i bought the worst iced tea in the

world i bought it at rite aid it was just thank you for calling the billings family ymc this is

This is Nicole.

How may I help you?

This is the worst iced tea I've ever had in my fucking life.

Excuse me?

I'm drinking the worst fucking iced tea I've ever had in my fucking life.

I just got it now.

It tastes so vile.

It tastes like chalk water with sucrates.

This is the Billings Family YMCA.

What can I help you with?

Yeah, I'm looking for shelter.

Me and Baz, we're in town.

We're working on the oil fields.

And, yeah, we wanted a place, you know, where we could take a shower, get some stew, get an ice cot, you know,

Do a little masturbating

Watching other people

Hello

Sorry I lost it

She had to have heard me laugh

That was fucking stupid

Yeah the masturbating was the deal breaker

Yeah once I said I was going to masturbate

Watching people

Yeah I kind of fucked it up

Not to worry we have more numbers to get to

Or we can call her back

There's always calling her back

Let's do that

Yeah I added a couple sound effects

You were only missing two

which of the two there was one in particular i liked that i didn't have the new the new porn

loop might have been one of just that guy grunting really loud that guy or grunting i don't know no

uh i don't have mine set up yet i'll play it in a minute and then i gave you the the end spring

loop oh the end spring loop that's what i was missing yes i wanted those yeah the dueling bed

springs right okay so it's in the uh the folder cool all right i'll open that up that might be

be appropriate for this call but hey let's do the whole bass calls back and apologize just for

carlita yeah that always works well but say damn it really loud because your mom that your your

wife and your daughter is home thanks family ymc this is megan how can i help you yeah hi this is

david snotswell i think my my associate just called you and i'd like to apologize uh you know

i think he might have gotten a little bit uh inappropriate there we are looking for shelter

her oh ma'am i'm i'm not sure who you talked to um it definitely wasn't me um oh because it was

some uh rude woman she was quite rude with the mouth smart with the mouth and i think she offended

my my my roommate here my traveling companion it was uh disgusting damn it but we do require a room

uh yeah we don't um we're actually like a gym we don't have a new place for people to stay

Do you have a space for a shower?

You have shower space, right?

We can come in and take a shower and tap our feet.

Yeah, we have to bring in an ID and throw out a waiver,

and then you can utilize the facility here as a guest member.

How's the action in the shower room these days?

I guess I don't understand what you're asking.

You're really highly rated on grope dope.com.

it's a listing of really good

glory hole

places there's a lot of gyms

in there all over you know

and like bathrooms she's gone

grope dope

I don't even know if that's

for real

I was going to ask you is that a real site

grope dope sounded cool because it rhymed

I was trying to say glory hole

I started with a G and ended up with grope

so I ran with it

he's got a good glory hole site

Thank you for calling the Billings Family YMCA.

Our membership staff are currently assisting other members.

Oh, sure they are.

They're over there checking out grope dope right now.

So you're calling Billings, huh?

Yeah.

Billings, yeah.

I've been to Montana, but it's a huge state.

I've never been that far east.

Billings is an up-and-happening place from what I understand now.

Let's call the Dude Rancher Lodge and see how the action is there.

See if they have a sauna.

Probably not.

Yeah.

Dude Rancher.

Yeah, you'd think a place like that's gay-friendly.

Yeah.

We're gay oil men looking for some action.

We're in an open relationship, me and Baz, and we don't care for monogamy.

That's boring.

Yeah, we're progressive like that, we know.

Yeah.

We still love each other, of course.

We're still together, we're still married.

For the insurance benefits.

Yeah.

Convenience.

Hello?

Hey, how are you?

Listen, we're in town, we're oil men, me and Baz.

He's my partner.

We got married for benefits in California when we were working for Chevron out there.

um hey inconvenience too yeah so we're looking for one one bed uh only for two men is that

some places don't around here apparently don't like that um two beds no no no no it's going to

be two men me myself and my uh partner baz and one but we just want one bed yeah i don't have

a problem with that all right good and we're going to me and him yeah we're going to stay

there for a few months probably it's all going to be paid by the oil company um for that what

What I can do is get you to Lisa, and she would be able to work out a rate with you

guys if you're going to stay for a couple months.

Oh, yeah.

That'd be great.

Yeah.

Very funny.

Do you mind holding for just a second?

Oh, yeah.

I'm just sitting here not doing anything.

Yeah, we're just sitting here fanning our balls.

Yeah, doing nothing, and you got this big fucking job you got to do.

Okay, so are you guys wanting a room, or are you just calling to be rude?

Stugats.

Yeah, we do.

We do need a room, yeah.

Okay, so why are you cussing at me?

I apologize for our abrasiveness.

We're big, burly worker men, and that's how we talk.

We've had a lot of bad experiences in this town since we moved here for our job

because we're homosexual.

Okay, and that really shouldn't have anything to do...

Yeah, Baz got chased with a noose down 27th Street last week

over by the car plaza where we had been staying.

Okay, what I can do...

I was very scared, very scared.

scared yeah it was a it was a pastor jebediah something snake water i think and he was like

you're going to hell yeah burning hell he said like that that that you know liberal california

uh homosexuals weren't welcome in montana he said all this stuff to us oh yeah i don't know

anything about that disgusting are you from here originally no oh well that makes sense no wonder

her you're so friendly that's good that's good god damn it but if if you don't mind holding i

mean if you want a room for a couple months you would have to talk to our salesperson because

she is the one that handles the different rates hang on baz hold me yes sir hold me okay i'm

holding you okay go ahead okay just a moment here it'll be okay sweetie she said hold honey

we're holding i'm talking to you oh yeah yeah that's what i'm saying that's what we're holding

here holding each other yeah and embrace i think i just threw up in my mouth a little bit

shirtless embrace

ever from the royal

but sex service

you got chased

with a noose

some pastor

of a pastor

holding a bible

in one hand

and a noose

in the other

would you say

Jebediah's snake water

yeah

reverend snake water

where the hell

do you come up

with this shit

that's somewhere

there's a website

that used it

used a reverend

snake water

I thought it was

really funny

I only have about

an hour left

I have physical therapy

and I gotta get ready

I have to take a shower because I'm trying to attract one of the therapists there.

And I like to be nice and clean.

Okay, are you there?

Yeah, hi.

Okay, let me get you a room.

Hey, honey.

I love you.

Keep her holding.

This is Lisa.

How may I help you?

Hey, Big Lisa.

How are you?

I am awesome.

How the heck are you?

Oh, I'm so good.

I'm really good.

I have shaved and everything.

You're fine and so I care, huh?

Yeah, that's right.

I'm going to put my husband Baz on the line.

I blanked out for a minute.

He's going to go on.

I just had another relapse.

Okay, no problem.

Yeah, hi, Lisa.

Hi, well, I understand that you guys are looking for an extended stay.

Is that correct?

Yeah, yeah, we're big, burly worker men, and we're married.

We were married in California, and we were informed that that would not be a problem.

I'm kind of so fucking behind the times.

I wish my girlfriend and I could get married.

Oh, hey, well, go to California.

You might have to.

It's ridiculous.

Well, the reason Carol put you over with me is because I'm the only one that has authority

to give you a deal on extended rates.

She can't really play with the rates, but I can.

Oh, you're like the gay representative.

Is that what it is?

Yeah.

So, okay, so you are looking for a room from, let me see what my normal rates are,

and I'll see what I can do for you.

And I do have a good rate with the oil companies, so I'll just give you that rate.

And that rate is going to be $60 a night.

Okay, well.

And if you're here longer than a month, if you're here longer than 30 days,

you're going to be tax exempt, okay?

So, basically, once 30 days hits, all of your taxes will go back on your,

will be credited back to you.

Oh, perfect

And will we be safe from reverent snake water

In this room?

He's the mean pastor that

Chased me down the street with a noose yesterday

Oh my god, in Billings?

Yeah, he said, God hates fags

Get out of Billings

How am I to go over to Westboro

Where he belongs

They have not been doing well since Fred Phelps

Passed away, the Westboro church is not doing well

At all, and I can't be happier about it

Well, apparently this snake water guy

is trying to pick up where he left off.

In buildings? That's weird.

We've got a really active community.

That surprises me.

He was holding a black Bible in one hand

and a large noose in the other.

The police stopped him and everything.

He's clearly preaching love.

I can feel it.

You said you have an active community here.

Where's the best place for us to find

some restroom action, if you know what I mean?

We tried the YMCA gym

gym and there really wasn't anything going on okay start at the loft and make contact there

go from there i promise that's the place to go all right because yeah i i spent like two hours

in the sauna nobody came nobody came in i was in their towel no it's billings you gotta remember

how conservative billings is so then i just masturbated by myself and i took a shower

showered and no one came in yeah i took like a 90 minute shower waiting for maybe someone guy

will come oh you're killing me okay this old guy came in he was like i never tried it before but

i'll do it now and he's just he was masturbating with me he needed like tweezers almost it looked

like yeah you guys definitely need to go blog you're gonna be very popular yeah well that was

was my story okay so are you in town now are you looking for a place that you can check in right

away or what's going on we're in our lunch break yeah oh you are okay so are you do you have are

you staying someplace i mean do you need to start like tonight or what's going on well we've been

just uh camping out in a tent gotcha you know we have to we have to take shifts you know i stand

watch and sleep while he sleeps for a couple hours it's not that bad now come on the reverent

And Snakewater, you know, and his goons, you know, they're stalking us all the time.

The goons are the worst.

I hate those goons.

Yeah.

You did?

Okay, well, I feel safer now, thanks to you.

Good, good.

I'm what metered most people anyway, so just come complain to me.

I'll track them down for you.

All right, good.

Okay.

I'm a Billings girl.

I've been here forever.

I know everybody.

Cool.

Hey, do you have an open relationship or no?

Yeah, oh, yeah, absolutely.

Oh, nice, nice.

Did you want to hang out with us, maybe?

Maybe.

That might be fun.

We could hang out and do some drugs in the bathroom at the loft and everything.

I don't know about that.

Oh, come on.

You don't party?

I'm always up for drinking.

We've got the best poppers from California.

Are you going to be in a spit roast?

Like, we could totally make you airtight and do a spit roast with you.

Yeah, we'll bang your room.

I'll fuck you from behind like that.

Oh, okay, okay, all right.

Are you seriously looking for a room or are you just looking to harass somebody?

Because I've got work to do.

Are you hot?

I'm okay.

What size are you, like 16?

Oh, 10.

10?

That's not bad.

How tall?

5'8"?

Just like those big floppers.

5'6".

5'6"?

All right.

C cup?

Yeah, close.

Close enough.

Okay.

B then.

All right.

Nice.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

No floppers, but it's okay.

Redhead.

Green eyes.

Oh, my God.

That's so hot.

Yeah.

I might give you a good tussle.

Okay.

So, do you guys really want to book this room, or what are we doing here?

Well, yeah, but now we're talking about...

We're horny.

We're both bi.

We're not gay-yay.

We got married for the insurance

KDK is gay

We're not

We're bi

What name do you want me to put this room under?

If you want, me and Baz will go back to California

We'll get divorced, come back

And then you can marry me

And your girlfriend can marry him

We can all live together

And all have insurance benefits

You have amazing faith

Yeah

It'll be awesome

If we were cool

If we were cool, and I could stick it in whenever I felt like it.

Oh, okay.

All right, are we done?

Are we going to book this room, or are you just going to do this for a little longer?

Yeah, you have to call Matt Hillock.

He is our foreman, and he's got all the payment information.

Should I just have him call you?

Yes, have him call me.

And your name was Liz?

Lisa or Liz?

My name's Lisa.

Lisa, okay.

All right, that's a beautiful name.

If he's not available, maybe Robert Turbaugh might be able to call tonight.

Okay.

All right.

Matt Hillock?

Is that the one we talked to?

He's the boss's boss.

Yeah, Matt Hillock.

He is really conservative and really ignorant.

Just to let you know, when he calls in, don't mention it.

Yeah, because he's been like, you fags getting out of the Crowne Plaza.

I ain't paying for you fags anymore, he said to me.

Nice.

He drinks a lot, too.

Okay.

He's got right in here in Montana.

But then he was masturbating in front of us once at work.

So what are your guys' names so I know who he's going to refer to?

I'm Cross, and my husband is Baz.

He's the one, the soft-spoken one.

He's the bottom.

Baz, B-A-Z, and Cross.

B-A-Z-Z, the last Z is silent.

Say it again.

Silent.

Baz.

Yeah, Baz, B-A-Z-Z, but the last Z is silent.

It's just Baz.

Okay.

All right.

And then your name?

And I'm Cross, like Jesus Christ.

cross. Like they nailed Jesus

to the fucking cross and killed his

fucking ass. His fucking Jew ass.

Okay, well have Matt call me and I'll get

this reservation made for you. Alright, baby.

Alrighty, thank you. Bye.

Alright, thanks, Big Lisa.

She's pretty cool. Yeah.

It was just an amazing story. It wasn't really

a prank. It was just, she was cool.

She was cool about it, so

it was one of those. We didn't anger her in any way.

Yeah. I tried to. I did

get vulgar with her, but she kept,

she hung in there i was trying to shock her with the masturbation comment even mad our ignorant

foreman uh was masturbating in front of us at work yeah you first get out then one night no

let's try it yeah anyway you were saying that i was like no she mentioned that place the loft

so i put the number down in the bottom of chat so we let's call we'll say liz from the uh

She said we could get connections

I guess like what

Popper's connections

The fisting scene

Hey Loft how are you

Good

Listen me and Baz

We got married in California

We worked for Chevron over there at the refinery

Now we're in Billings

We got jobs up here on the oil shit

And we're both

Homosexual well bisexual really

But we identified

We got married for insurance benefits reasons.

Anyway, so I was talking to the Dude Rancher Lodge.

Liz over there, she's gay.

I don't know if you know who I'm talking about.

Oh, I can't think.

Big Lisa.

She's 5, what was it, 5'8", 5'6"?

Yeah.

She's a size 10.

B-cups.

B-cups, size 10, red hair, green eyes.

Red hair.

Oh, she's so pretty.

Anyway, we're at the Dude Rancher Lodge.

We were working on getting accommodations, and we told her our story about how my husband, Baz, over there, he got chased with a noose down 27th Street by the Crowne Plaza where we had been staying.

Some reverend, Snakewater, I don't know if you've heard of him, is very anti-homosexual, very homophobic, and he chased my husband with a noose down the street holding a Bible saying that he was going to burn in hell.

some fred phelps serious fred phelps shit yeah yeah around the corner from where we were staying

anyway so we're scared and we're we got an accommodation at the dude ranch because she's

lesbian and she said she could take us in and we're good we got this other thing on the side

now that we're talking about but she recommended that this is a good place to go to hang out you

know get some connections in town for some poppers stuff like that well you have plenty of poppers

is there good that's the place for poppers nice i would have them over there i haven't been in

there forever um but it's what type of poppers do you like to use oh i don't i don't anymore

too old too hard on the heart it is it is scary you get that rush man and yeah i'm on i'm on meds

too for my heart i'm metropole also i can't take him but baz he's young and i fuck him yeah no i

No, I just stay away from it.

Okay.

We're going to come in.

Do you have a special night, Friday night?

Is that anything special going on?

Do you have any biker nights, daddy-daughter nights, anything like that?

Okay.

Friday nights and that, Friday and Saturday are the real busy nights.

Yeah.

You know, and this weekend we have a gay comedian.

Oh, yeah?

Just Friday night.

Ooh, nice.

Margaret Cho?

Yeah, we do that Friday night.

Is it Margaret Cho?

Is it who?

Margaret Cho.

No, not Margaret Cho.

We're in Montana.

Oh, okay.

Well, we are.

Yeah, we can't afford Margaret.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, no, I like her.

No, so we have that on Friday night and that.

So those are the nights to go out, Friday and Saturday.

All right.

So then we were trying to check out the scene, the glory hole scene.

We went to the YMCA.

we both got memberships and i spent about two hours in the sauna nobody came in at all

so then i just masturbated and i went to take a shower and after 90 minutes finally some old fat

guy came in and he had to like he masturbated in front of me and i wasn't into because i already

came before but he was like he's like he needed tweezers to get to it everything he was so

He was around like a basketball and everything.

So do you have any recommendations, any hot saunas?

Are there any bathhouses here?

Oh, God, there is no bathhouses at all.

Any place?

Oh, man.

Any glory holes or any place?

They do at, I think, a couple of the books.

They have glory holes?

Yeah.

I'm getting excited.

The Victorian.

Okay.

All right, let me write that down.

Victorian.

All right, we'll go there.

and the ball bookstore the ball bookstore ball yeah i love the name of that that is hilarious

like a ball all right that's very clever how's the anal fisting scene here is it is there is

there an anal fisting scene here at all we're from la so there's everything out there yeah this is

well conservative trust me i'm sorry baz he's into it yeah he's a bottom but he likes to do

the anal fisting so i let him fist me yeah but then i get to he bottoms for me always though so

it's it's you know i take a lot of poppers so i'm i'm nice and loose yeah nice and smooth that's

the problem with yeah oh man i'm constantly doing them all the time i'm here oh that was good yeah

yeah yeah i've got a cucumber i gotta go back all right we're gonna head to the victorian and

we'll come in on friday then we'll hold off on that okay oh fuck yeah you guys have fun all right

cool hopefully maybe we'll see you there i don't know if you want to stop by what time could you

make it time you get out big guy oh i go home right after oh all right well if you change your

mind look for us we'll both be wearing truckers we both have we have the same shirt on from work

Okay.

Yeah, Billings Oil.

All right, big guy.

Bye, honey.

Hey, before you go, I've got a question for you.

Wait, don't hang up.

Are you still there?

Yeah, are there any freeway overpasses?

I'm kind of an exhibitionist.

Is there like a freeway overpass where he can pound me so cars can see us as they drive by?

Oh, God, I don't even know where to tell you that, you know?

You've got me.

You've got me trying to find out and let me know.

Okay, and then you can join us

Okay, we can take turns

I'll be over that railing

How long do you, from behind?

Okay, I gotta go

Yeah, they get real into it

To the truckers, they're like, yeah, fuck yeah

We had one pull over once and he started masturbating

In front of us

He just opened his cab door and jerked off

He came on the ground and he just drove right off

Sometimes they give you money too

I gotta go, I'll see you later, okay

We're real hot, we have sex all over the place

We're from LA

we don't even use condoms

yeah alright cool

we just

fuck all over the place we're that kind of gay guys

oh shit

I'm gonna have to take a fucking shower after this show

yeah

yeah well I was already planning on doing it

in 40 minutes

we have 40 minutes

hey it's 420 right now

420 break

you got him

alright I got the Victorian here

in front of me let's call about them

glory holes there yeah i'll look up the ball the ball this town is crazy man surprisingly

gay friendly for montana but no anal fisting and only one only one gay troll who hit up the

bathroom good afternoon the victorian hey how are you big guy fine hey hey it's me and baz

we're married we're from california we're here working on the oil on the oil fields oh yeah so

So we just moved here anyway.

So, yeah, we were talking to Liz.

Oh, I don't know if you know who she is.

No, Big Lisa.

Lisa, I'm sorry.

Yeah, Lisa.

She works at the Something Lodge.

That's where we're going to be staying.

All right?

And then we were talking to The Loft.

Is that what it's called, The Loft?

The Place The Loft?

Yeah, they don't call it a gay body,

but an alternate, alternative, rather.

Don't ask me why.

Well, because of targets.

it's probably that reverend snake water fucker listen my husband got chased down 27th street

around where we had been staying at the at the uh crown plaza by a reverend he got arrested the

reverend got arrested he was holding a bible and a noose and he was screaming at my husband that to

go back that we were going to go back to california to burn in hell in an earthquake that's what he

said and

And police stopped him.

He had a gun on him and everything under his robe.

It was disgusting.

Anyway, so we were talking to the guy at the loft, and he said this is a good place to get poppers.

and that you guys had, like, the action was pretty hot here, you know?

He said he had a glory hole.

Yeah, do you have a...

Glory holes are against the law.

We have booths that are vented.

The person and people need to be, you know, just so you know,

people need to be careful what they put on Craigslist and everything.

People always come in and just say, thank you.

They just want to meet and stuff.

But glory holes are actually totally against the law.

We have a really nice setup where it's pleasant and private and those, you know.

Okay, forget what you said, the glory hole.

We're looking for a booth with a vent.

Good ventilation, maybe around at least three inches each ventilation hole

because I get really hot and sweaty in places like this.

Would you say that's about right?

Oh, I don't know.

Okay, well, that would be good.

All right, yeah, I see that.

And do I have to get tokens to watch videos?

No, we charge a flat fee from the day we opened 16 years ago.

We have never used tokens.

Great.

We have always charged.

All right.

For 16 years, we charged $5 with the renovation.

We have now gone to, and it's not completely done, to $6.

When it's totally done, it will go for $8 entrance,

as long as you stay in the building.

From $9.50 to a couple, which we're doing today,

we'll go to $10 for a couple.

On our return, we'll go to $5 with one person or two people.

All right.

And we can masturbate all we want.

Oh, everybody keeps hollering, but, you know, our light bill, we've never raised in 16 years.

Our light bill went from $200 a month to $598.

And I tell people, I said, you know, $3 in 16 years is not a big increase.

I don't think it is.

It's actually pretty cheap compared to, like, San Francisco.

Yeah, $2 in money 16 years ago is nothing.

And, you know, they can loan all they want,

But I know that if we want to stay in business with the price, utilities, water, everything, that we need to increase it.

Yeah.

Listen, you're pretty.

I've got something that's increasing right now.

Yeah.

My missile's throbbing in its silo, if you know what I'm saying.

We're ready for launch.

And you have the poppers, too?

I'm almost out.

Yep, we have all that.

We have pretty much everything we need.

We have complimentary condoms.

We try that.

We also, when we're kind of torn up right now, have free HIV, no-name testing, 20-minute testing.

We have Hep C.

We're kind of more of a human awareness center.

We don't refer to ourselves as a bookstore or the adult.

We're kind of a human awareness center where people, because our industry,

especially with Republicans in control, they are anti-sexy.

They're the ones that want you to pee on them in private.

So we're pretty careful what we call everything, so we stay out of the way.

And we want to be a place where everybody respects whether they're cross-dressers, whether they're straight, gay.

And what goes on in here stays in here.

And I really get upset when people put online they did this and that.

Because the health department, whether it's real or not, are documenting this and will use it in time to shut all the stores down.

And that's why I tell people, you already know.

You're putting it in black and white, my friend.

There's a big difference on maybe they know.

But when you all put it in black and white

Or you discuss it openly on Craigslist

And stuff

People just need to get back to me and find where to go

They don't have to

In fact it's against Craigslist rules for you to list a business

And we're going to go back in and talk to them about it

We know

Did we tell you

All about those Craigslist rules

Did I tell you about my husband getting chased by the Reverend

Yeah

Oh I almost forgot I told you

He was like oh I'm going to run for Senator

He said and everything

thing to the police he tried to hold me down and he held a cross to my forehead he had a gun in

his waistband and we had an automatic uh he had it was a glock and he had like he had himself uh

made it automatic and everything with extended magazines and all this illegal stuff and they

said to us it wasn't even registered in his name but he's nuts and he has a congregation here of

10 000 people wow yeah and he said that they're all getting ready that they were going to have

one night they said they were waiting for uh one day for a disaster to happen that would knock

knock out the power in town and they were all going to riot and they had a list of all the

known homosexuals and billings and they were going to go house to house and round them up

and they were going to put them on some field somewhere uh like a baseball field with the gates

and everything and keep them there indefinitely was the plan they said oh i think that's pretty

stupid i don't think they're going to people wouldn't tolerate that they don't tolerate

hate here at all whether whatever it is sexual or black or whatever this city is really anti that

so that guy's pretty ignorant trying to scare people on this yeah that's what i think well

they have a thing against hate in this city yeah good well that's great well this guy he's nuts

I don't have anything else for you.

Mr. Baz, do you have anything for him?

Yeah, you know, so you were mentioning about urinating.

Are we allowed to piss on each other in your establishment?

Do that again?

Are we allowed to urinate on each other?

No, no, because it makes a mess.

Okay, well, yeah, yeah.

No, I just wanted to check this.

I don't want to violate your rules.

Can we come at each other's faces?

the person that comes in the booth

the place is real beautiful and clean

and that's how we're going to keep it

I don't care what other places do

but I've been dead fit since I was 10 years old

and I never had the crud

that are in this young ager group

the shit they do

but in here

we have to be respectful of everybody

and that's the way we operate

and anybody doesn't like it

there's other stores or other cities

and I'm just really about cleanliness and respect

and I respect everybody

but we expect that back by showing respect to our property,

not dismantling it or wrecking it.

Except for black gay people, right?

Oh, I like everybody.

I don't have a problem with anybody.

I was raised with no racism or prejudice of any type.

I had beautiful parents.

We weren't allowed that kind of crap.

That's ignorance, you know.

Well, I'm glad.

I was hoping that this was a racist town also

because I myself am Hispanic.

all right asshole motherfucker i'll probably talk to you guys later when you come in yeah

no problem you motherfucker asshole all right son of a bitch we'll talk to you guys later all right

bitch yeah fuck fuck you bye fuck you in the ass cool nice guy he let me see he's still connected

but he let me sit there and curse his ass out for a while like all right yeah i'm an asshole

this is a pretty interesting city i guess who knew it's a jewel of uh jewel of acceptingness in

this part of the country that i thought was usually montana's you know really pretty redneck

well is it is it montana's definitely a red state when in talking politically right yeah you'd have

to say what are democrats in montana you don't think it's pretty conservative yeah they're like

Savannah and Georgia it's this town no but I went I went down to Annas Montana before I was married

to go fishing for about a week and I I wandered into the bar there and I did not get a warm

welcome it's just the people that were uh pretty suspicious of anybody from the city you're from

the outside boy yeah and I was telling the uh I went out with a fishing guide the next day he

says oh man you're lucky you didn't get your ass kicked in there holy shit they don't like

like strangers they're like you're from where motherfuckers yeah fuck yeah big city

apparently montana out of 50 seats in their upper house in their senate in their upper house state

senate 21 of them are blue that's not too bad they're doing better than florida is right now

Now, out of 100 in their representatives, 39.

I mean, yeah, there's some presidents, but yeah, it's not too bad.

But I don't know if there are any.

Do they have any senators?

They definitely don't have any Democratic senators from the state of Montana in Washington.

I can't imagine that.

Or congressmen.

Unless there's like a really black town.

I don't mean to sound racist, but unless there's a town that's really black there.

That would be like it.

All right.

I mean, you're not far away from Idaho, which is, you know, white Aryan nation state.

Yeah.

Because these areas here, like, are full of militia and, you know, preppers and shit like that, you know?

I know.

My wife is.

I keep telling my wife, we need to go to Montana, you know, and go do some camping.

And she's scared to go there.

She's Asian.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, that's right.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Filipino girl in Montana.

They'll be like, motherfucker.

Yeah.

mother fucker all right and then you just for being associated with her just tell me you're

in the navy you met her yeah they'll be like oh okay all right all right you know what i mean

all right then that's all right i met her after the war yeah i met her when i was in them i kept

the bitch i married her and kept the bitch bought her for four water buffalo and we go oh okay let

Let me buy you a beer, man.

I knocked her up.

Ended up marrying her.

My mom said, you got to marry her.

She's pregnant.

You got to marry her.

My mom, rest in peace.

I keep her in the kitchen now.

She just cooks.

She cooks great.

Makes all kinds of shit.

There you go.

See, dude?

Now you got it.

Just really quick.

When I was out fishing with that fishing guide, he's kind of a nice guy, kind of redneck.

And I was just thinking about proposing to my wife.

And I was telling him about it.

And I said, yeah, she's a Filipino.

and he goes oh man you gotta catch her you gotta you gotta marry her because those asian women

they'll serve you for life you know she'll cook you dinner every night he's like totally up for

it encouraging me to do it wow awesome yeah that's where andy's at right now he's all about that i

think that's what i knew i knew he was gonna end up doing some fun by meeting some woman that was

just gonna take care of him like his mom would other than that i could never see that guy getting

and married old co-host of the show here and my friend from high school oh yeah i don't know if

everybody out there knows what i'm talking about he might be making an appearance here on the show

i was talking to him he said he was interested next few weeks he might show up for a nighttime

show oh oh he said he could only do saturday nights so it'll have to be a saturday night that

i'm not that i can go on maybe i'll do that this week oh and i'll talk to him i'll do a saturday

show if no one else wants to go on because last saturday all we had was kdk and i was kind of

hoping someone would take over anyway hey enough bullshit and let's do some more pranks i've got

about a half hour excuse me fucking mountain dew makes me burp like a mug let me look at the

request to prank see if there's anything of value here i was going to lay off the request to prank

for a week yeah but because i didn't have an open i was just trying to finally start the show

okay let me refresh it refresh complete i don't really see anything in here request to prank's

kind of dead i think what's going on is people just go to pcn the pcn site and there's no request

i might i gotta put a link to request a prank or maybe i might migrate request a prank to prank

all nation and then but what i'd want to do is share that with multiple people if any of the

hosts would want me to forward that those email submissions from the form to their email address

i can just add them on like you baz you could do that yeah yeah that way the it's the pcn request

quest a prank we'll work on it we'll work on it yeah yeah i mean i i typically focus on

international yeah on my show but you know hey i should do the occasional u.s prank too because

we are part of the international world yeah community and we get oh you know what i remember

now it's not emailing out i think enigma is still working on that so i got to go to the madhouse

site and look at it um i get a lot of international numbers through it too though a lot of british

numbers do you want to do a indian takeout in uk sure post it in oh you found you found the ball

video i think we've done that already not that we've we've killed that concept already about

billings in their gay society but yes we haven't done that one yet yeah no well we could do it but

more of the same but what were you finding on my show that um these little villages on the west

coast of england for whatever reason they're indian restaurants those dudes get really pissed

stuff oh okay cool oh also thailand is about to have a civil war apparently things are getting

bad there again and they're going to be on edge and i also i also was made privy to a town in

thailand that's known for americans having stayed there after the vietnam war and uh foreign

pedophile male pedophile perverts live there because they get access to boys to have sex with

with for money or own as slaves yeah oh what the fuck is that called i just saw it on a vice video

i have to look for it i'm afraid to go into google and type in pedophile pedophile city

thailand because i'm thinking a big target he's like aha we got another one he's looking at the

nsa is gonna be like oh we got another pervert new pervert next thing you know uh oh i have no

no idea, fuck it, I'll do it, if anything, I'll point people, I'll point the NSA back at this

episode to listen to, let's see, pedophile city, Thailand, globally known, convicted in Thailand,

yeah, I can't find the cities, a lot of Canadians go there, according to these links, all right,

well, let me look at Vice, Vice, YouTube, see if I can find the video, sorry, folks, give me a second,

thought it'd be fun to call thailand today looking at the recent activity oh yeah dude they have one

i saw it they finished uh they had two episodes showing uh i guess in south africa they figured

out that you can take hiv medication and it acts like lsd so now there's a whole there's a whole

where people who don't have hiv are robbing people and shooting to get their hands on the

hiv medication to smoke it and wow and apparently now they're saying that there are people who are

trying to get hiv intentionally so they can get prescribed this medication going as far as raping

women at random uh in the streets trying to catch it trying to catch hiv isn't that just

fucking nuts yeah but then i sort of think it's like what if what if it's a known thing what if

what if they've because you know they like the bill and melinda gates shit you know and uh and

And the Bill Clinton stuff, they're all about getting these meds to Africa for free or at no cost.

And some of the worries were that, A, they weren't going to adhere to taking the medication so that they could –

and the problem would be that the HIV would become resistant to them because of that.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's a problem.

Yeah, so then they found out, well, actually, South Africa has one of the highest adherence rates.

Why is that happening?

Why did everybody think it was going to go the other way and actually it's the opposite?

And then they found out it's because people have figured out just taking the pill itself, just taking it, not even smoking it, has an LSD effect without some of the negative that you would get off of heroin, let's say, or actually tripping acid.

Then they figured out if you smoke it, it's even more intense, and they're mixing it with rat powder, like rat poison powder, like a little bit, not enough to kill you, but enough to get you kind of buzzed and loopy, and it adds to the effect.

fact there's oh yeah dude you got yeah i'm telling you some scary shit yeah scary shit

motherfucker um for the life of me i have no idea where i can find this video i guess i'm gonna have

to move on by the way uh jose keeps messaging me uh he wants me to give him a shout out to awkward

if you're listening where is awkward where is he jose misses you i haven't heard kind of dropped

off the radar i'm not quite sure what happened i haven't heard dude in like two weeks at least

least if not longer than that damn yeah yeah anyway uh shout out talkward uh we miss you

jose misses you jose call call soon yeah all right here i found the video i'm gonna start

playing it see if i can find where she says the name of it thailand to interview expats vietnam

war vets who are living there about their views on the bush carry election the 2004 presidential

presidential election in the U.S. It was my first video assignment, so I packed up my expensive

camera, all my gear, flew out there. I met up with a friend of mine who was going to help me out.

I decided I was going to take a bus down to the town where these Vietnam War vets lived,

which was called Pattaya. There we go. Pattaya. P-A-T-T-A-Y-A. I found it. All right, so let's

find patia in the old google maps patia thailand now what would be english speaking in patia

i wonder so apparently they have a pretty big foreign and especially american uh expat

population and not necessarily because of uh prostitution purposes but apparently gets really

crazy here um but also a lot of guys that were stationed in the pacific or vietnam and stuff

back in the 50s and 60s

who decided to stay.

They were like,

I'm a loner.

I have nothing back home for me.

Why don't I just fucking stay?

This is all I know.

Fair enough, right?

I'm going to live really cheaply over there.

Probably make some money.

Blah, blah, blah.

Here is a Ripley's Believe It or Not Museum.

They got to speak English there.

Yeah, apparently this is a touristy area here.

Yeah, but apparently the prostitution in this area is crazy.

From what I've been told by 2020 and by vice.com now.

Believe it or not.

Man, that Ripley was a creepy-looking guy, right?

Yeah, he was.

What?

So I didn't zero or something?

Yeah.

This is McDonald's.

Of course, this is McDonald's.

Why not?

I'm going to call and tell them I'm from McDonald's Corporate.

i'm staying in town and i need oh they don't have a phone number no yes no i had a great idea for

that i was gonna need a boy sent to me before i came in for a surprise inspection shit that

would have been awesome well let's call the marriott right down right down the street

actually right next door no phone number for that either a lot of missing phone numbers here

huh weird dr prasan at the clinic does he have a phone number he sure does probably doesn't speak

english there were comments on youtube this last week here about people who don't like calls to

foreign countries because if they don't speak english it's not funny i understand that i don't

do it that much i don't think when we call countries like that that aren't english speaking

aren't anglophone i try to stick to businesses that are obviously going to have hopefully someone

when english-speaking touristy areas massages hotels mostly that's why you hear me do a lot

of hotels in asia and stuff because usually someone there speaks english but i lately i've

been noticing a lot of them don't they don't give a shit they don't have to cater to american

tourists or english or south the south africans go on vacation anyway they're so stupid so poor

that's bunce is saying to call people katuis katuis or katuis katoi katoi hello yeah is this

this the Marriott do you speak English is this the hotel you're a motherfucker you're a cut toy

you cut toy what the fuck was that I have no idea what that means no just to call people that you

have the wrong number these ties get really funny when they're angry though they get really rude

trying them again crackers what are are you just a person a stupid Thai person

Hey.

Yes, but it's not my business.

What problem?

Are you a katoi?

What the fuck does katoi mean?

It pisses him off.

They don't like it.

He hangs up.

I don't know what it means.

Maybe it means to hang up.

Dustbun says it means a she-male, a ladyboy.

Thank you, Dustbun.

Very funny.

Very good.

Thank you, sir or ma'am.

All right.

That's great.

All right.

Jose is announcing.

announcing i offered jose and i offered him a show he could take either tuesday nights what do

we have open sunday nights and tuesday nights technically we have monday nights open but i

wouldn't want anyone to go up against matt those nights yeah um and then saturday early is open

because aaron doesn't really do a show but he does it later he does it at midnight eastern so

someone could do a show like from nine or ten o'clock for a few hours and lead him in or just

just keep going if he doesn't show up um we're missing a key night there the problem is there's

there's a kdk's on that night and he's actually starting to do pranks again i was thinking about

offering kdk a spot on prank call network so we could all troll him and make fun of him if you

guys want that let me know in the chat room maybe i'll do it because he would eat that opportunity

of people like oh this is my chance to show that i'm the king and i invented everything well no you

You know, I was listening to him, and somebody asked him on the air if he was going to join PCN.

He's like, what the fuck is PCN?

He goes, I don't need any competition.

He goes, there is no competition, or I don't know.

He just basically said that.

There's just someone trying to be PCU.

I heard him say that shit, yeah.

Yeah.

That was my try.

I would do an evening show, but I would just have to go on so late that I don't think anybody would still be around to listen.

You'd probably have to be quiet, too, from what I understand.

understand well like yeah i can go downstairs but i still can't shout like damn it yeah not like

that not like you can do during the day but yeah it's free like you could do a late night show

after i finish because i can't do super late on thursday nights anymore because i gotta work i

get up for work at six o'clock in the morning the next day so the late i'm sacrificing to only get

five hours of sleep when i end my show at one o'clock in the morning and to be honest if i

i end my thursday night show one in the morning i can't go to bed i'm amped up from doing the show

usually so i'm it usually takes me like a half hour to get into bed to stop the streaming stuff

make sure everything's archived correctly shut everything down then i get into bed and try to

fall asleep it takes about a half hour so i ended with four and a half hours of sleep to work a

friday and fridays at my work are not easy days they're actually harder there's a lot of shit

that happens on fridays just because of the nature of our business uh but i do it because i love

doing these shows man i love them and wednesday is my one weekday off so it's the only time i get

to do a daytime show like i am now and i love doing daytime pranks it's funny it's a different

dynamic to be honest yeah i like it better than doing nighttime pranks but we've got such a

following at night it's just uh my night thursday night can't give that up that took for a lot of

people that have been listening for nine years

almost now nine fucking years

weekly tradition yeah

there's no way I would have believed

I would have believed in the summer of 2005

that nine years later almost ten

approaching here next year that I'd be

still doing Madhouse I thought by then I would

have gotten tired of it because I sucked

etc okay but the shows have

been better than ever you know

over the last year or two they keep getting

better like I hear that old 2005 stuff

I'm like oh god this is so embarrassing

I actually don't have them on shoutcast

anymore i'm just embarrassed to hear him i want to put our i want to put my best foot forward

if people are finding us for the first time but anyway bass is that what you're going to say or

did you have a different comment oh no no no okay okay i was gonna hey you want to call one of those

indian restaurants or you still want to try thailand uh no indian's fine i've got babar

elephants babar elephants and then more can be tandoori right i'm doing babar and you said

their extra curry here, so to say.

Yeah, I'll say.

Cactus' check request approved.

Good evening.

Hey, bastard, how are you?

I'm fine.

How are you, bastard?

I'm good, motherfucker.

I wanted to make an order.

Where is he?

I've got a bad number.

I can't understand you.

One tandoori chicken?

Yeah.

Listen, listen.

I'm not fucking with you.

Who the fuck you are?

You don't talk to me like this, you know?

Please don't curse at me, sir.

This is the dirty fucking Indian food.

I'm not fucking with you.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Put the fucking phone down.

No, you put the phone down,

Asshole

You dirty shit

I order you

You shit monkey

Yeah

And an Indian guy

At work

Explained to me

That monkey

Is a really

It means

There's a special meaning

To it in India

It's what they call

Like those poor

You still there

Yeah you the monkey

No you're the monkey

You put the phone down

I've got other customers

You know

All the other customers

Are like monkey

Like yourself

So put the phone down

Stop making a fool of yourself

I command you

To put the phone down

Oh be quiet

Because listen

Listen, anyone could be big over the phone.

If you want to speak to me in person, you know where I am.

Okay, you sound like a dog, man.

Listen, stop being a pussy.

Listen, you're going to hang up because it's what I want you to do because I'm superior.

Listen, listen, listen, stop being a pussy.

You've got the guts, come on, you know where I am.

Come down here.

Banchot.

Anyone could be a big person over the phone.

Banchot.

That's your girl, Salah bastard.

is a big person.

We'll come in and we'll show you.

Come bring your mother.

Shit monkey.

Bring your mother.

Listen, listen.

Don't talk big.

If you're going to come down, come down.

Speak to me in person.

Bring your mother here, madarchod.

Sir, you fucking be quiet.

You bring your fucking family here.

I'll stab you to fucking death.

Bring mother.

What's going to happen?

Come front of us and we'll show you how to fuck your mother.

Come front.

Hey, monkey.

Shit monkey.

Hey, poor monkey boy that eats garbage and lives on the street in Bombay, in Mumbai.

hey mumbai monkey monkey boy whatever i have eight more minutes i'll keep the motherfucker on

prove a point anyway so for what i was told by indian person is that monkey means like you're

one of those poor kids that lives on the streets and needs garbage and has no parents kind of like

on a slumdog millionaire that kind of thing that's what the meaning is so it's very negative

it's like you're basically saying you're a little rat fucking monkey that runs around

This is really loud

We'll have to call more Indian places

Yeah, monkey

You sound like a monkey

I'm sure

I'm Bangladeshi, actually

I'm not bothered who the fuck you are, yeah?

It won't make any fucking difference.

You come down now for me, so I can show you who I am.

Listen, if you are from one mother and one father, you come down.

And if you're a bastard, your mother's been shagged around, and you were born, then fucking put the phone down.

You heard what I said. You heard what I said.

Dirty shit monkey.

Monkey.

Hello.

Hey, monkey.

Hey, shitty.

Hello.

Hey, stupid.

You stupid monkey.

Yeah, we want to make an order.

All right.

We'll make order.

Yeah, I want to make order for some stupid food.

I'm David.

David Snozzwell, you stupid monkey shit.

Try him again.

I have six minutes left, motherfucker.

Hey, who the fuck are you?

Hey, you faggot bitch.

Who?

You stupid bitch.

Hey, fucking hell.

Where are you calling from?

Where are you from?

Bhenchod.

Do you know where I am?

Bhenchod.

Hey.

You con dude.

Hey, bring...

Did your mother fuck your father?

Hey, fucking mother...

Come over.

I come to your store.

I come in front of you.

Come to my phone.

Come here now.

Fucking come here.

I fuck you.

Come in front of me.

Bastard.

Fucker, come over, man.

I'm ready.

Come here.

Yeah, I'm ready for me to fuck you.

Come here, fucker.

Come here.

Ready for me to fuck you?

You know how I am.

Yeah, right.

Come here.

Come over.

Fucker, come here.

I want your sister.

I'm bringing you to police right now.

Right now.

Come over.

The police?

Hey, bullies.

Bullies, help me.

I'm not a man.

I can't do it.

That guy is really angry.

I need bullies.

Bullies, help.

I told you to get irate in those West Coast places.

Help, bullies.

Come on.

Back up, motherfucker.

All right, we'll call the other place that got hung up here.

Got hung up on by me.

I know I told him I would make him hang up, but he won.

I'm going to tell him I am the bullies.

Yes, hello.

This is bullies.

Who?

I am police.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You come, you come down.

I'm waiting for you.

Motherfucker.

Yeah.

What's going to happen?

What's going to happen when we get there?

Listen, listen, listen.

Remember the joke you're playing.

We're going to replace you at the same time.

Lord, well, I did that donkey years ago.

Get a life, you donkey.

It's funny.

Funny.

Oh, look.

Hey, monkey said something.

I understood it.

And it's clever, too.

Animal monkey.

Yeah, you monkey animal.

Condu.

Yeah, did your mother get fucked like a monkey in the tree?

You know what they're doing?

They're doing that joke.

I ring up you, speak to you, and then I ring up you.

Your mother was swinging in the tree?

And then the monkey saw her and fucked her.

You figure it out, asshole?

Hey, motherfucker, did you figure out what we're doing?

The joke?

It's really clever.

Oh, you're smart, monkey.

You're a smart monkey.

Monkey, do you use tools, Monkey?

This is proof that Monkey's know how to use tools and smart.

Hey, Monkey.

Hey, say something funny.

There's only a few minutes left.

Banjot?

Dammit!

Banjot!

Hello!

Banjot!

Bring your pussy to zoo

Bring your pussy

Bring your pussy when you do that

Say police fuck my pussy and help me

Because I don't have

I'm not a man I have a pussy

Tell them that monkey

Tell the police fuck my monkey pussy

Are they gonna come and blow their whistles at us

Police come to zoo and fuck my monkey pussy

I need help

Say that don't forget that

I know you heard all that

you're right there motherfucker oh he's outside oh shit uh-oh where you at motherfucker what

you doing you going to your car i think he's flagging down a constable you're gonna get

bananas to eat monkey he's smoking a cigarette now i think he's looking for some female monkeys

swinging around in the trees are you outside looking for monkey pussy and he's gonna fuck

him i honestly don't think he knows we're here yeah it sounds like we're in his pocket

I'm going to hang up and call back

Maybe it'll ring in his pocket

Monkey motherfucker I gotta go

Say something

Whatever he did pick it up but I have to go

I have to go he hung up first

So as I told you

I win in the end

Okay well I'm out of here

Who was supposed to start at 5

Who was that

Turbo

Turbo's going on tonight

Someone said that we're going to do a show

starting now at 5 p.m. Eastern.

I don't know who it was.

I don't know if it's on PCN or somewhere else.

So the best thing to do is go to the PCN chat room

and look for an update in there.

I'm sure you'll get it.

That's prankcallnation.com forward slash chat.

Prankcallnation.com slash chat.

Chat room.

In there, you can do your thing.

Baz, thanks again.

You have yourself a good one.

Thanks again.

I got to take a shower.

Bye.

Baz is out of here.

Carlito is now out of here also.

Thank God, motherfucker.

Oh, yeah.

The Monkey That Fell Out Of The Tree

Calls (8, 39 min of 1 h 9 min)

Transcript

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