Caught in the Gym Shower

You're an asshole.

You too.

Yeah.

Bitch.

Stupid.

I'm not playing no fucking games, dude.

I, I fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making us get to crying.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you.

All my blood.

You're not perfect.

What are you?

Piss off.

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Say, I say, I say, all right.

Everybody, I'm Carlito.

I'm the host of the show.

Oh, yeah.

I'm here to do a show.

Let me turn the music down.

God damn it, motherfucker.

Hi, everybody.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm so excited.

Let me hear this, Milkman.

Milkman, yeah, Milkman.

Oh, it's so good to hear you, my love.

Tell them it's my brother.

You're sounding pretty snazzy out there.

How you doing, my friend?

I'm good.

Thank you.

I know you've got some excitement planned here, so I'm definitely getting pumped up.

I've got a chicken right here in your honor, my poor thing.

That's what you said.

Why is the music starting over again?

Milkman, come on, man.

What?

I don't know.

Is there something wrong here?

I called the Echo server and it said it was good.

Is there a problem or are you fucking with me?

How you been, Milkman?

How's your week been?

Oh, you punk.

See, I got punked again, man.

What happened, man?

I come on this crazy edge.

Hey, masturbator, you good?

Thanks for getting better.

Thanks for getting better, man.

I got some private things to discuss with you a little later.

Milkman approved for weight loss surgery.

Yeah.

Milkman.

That's poor, man.

I feel like I'm below my prime weight, dude.

I'm really down there now.

Milkman is finally getting lap band surgery paid for by Medicare.

Oh, he doesn't have to pay anything.

thing congratulations man now you're gonna lose all that weight all you're gonna have to drink

is like a milkshake for 100 and if i get this if i get this out of them you know then i'll just

like get attached permanently to my rationality i won't even i could work no more man and then

hopefully you'll die well that's that's that's the haymire that is the hope speaking of dying

promises speaking of dying i wanted to give a warm respectful shout out to my teacher mr what the

the fuck was that guy's name i had a teacher in high school i'm very respectful we remember his

name too man you know the fuck was his name now i forget which teacher was cory his name was cory

no mr lindell that's who it was he got he got the cancer machine and he died tuesday morning

he lost his battle with cancer long battle with cancer rest in peace you motherfucker for giving

giving me a fucking F.

No, I'm kidding.

That's horrible.

Why would I say that?

You never, I never, I never.

I think I got a B in this class.

I think I got two Bs.

I did all right.

I skipped that class a lot.

If he didn't give you an A, we'll never forgive you.

Well, I skipped that class a lot.

I'm surprised.

I actually liked him because he gave me a B,

even though I skipped a third of the time.

It was my last semester, and it was the first class of the day,

so I skipped it a lot.

Anyway, I digress.

milkman listen uh let's go ahead and get to the prank calls i've got request a prank here

if you get a question though real quick what what what happened that homosexual from england

there man our point man nooners what's what's the deal here man he's in the chat room isn't he

i don't see him oh i don't know maybe he's busy on uh what day is it that we do a show

thursday nights maybe he's busy thursday night oh that's right he's on katie k show i forgot

Like, sorry.

There's no KDK show on Thursday night.

I thought I wasn't going to join up with him, man.

I told him to call Noonoo into my place, man.

So I guess he's got him a spot.

So we'll get to hear a bunch of, like, soundboard calls on KDK's show now, man.

Okay.

Look, you're really starting to get on my case and piss me off, Milkman.

We're going to call some numbers here.

I didn't mean to bring it up, man.

I was just trying to, you know, let you know I pawned off Nooners, man, in a subtle way.

yeah look i'm calling i'm calling a casino in mississippi it's called the bach homa casino

and chalk tall chalk tall man this is hot chalk tall what's a chalk isn't it in uh i'm sorry a

native native american yeah are you native american partially what are you exactly you're

You're, like, half Japanese?

African-American, Puerto Rican, Amish, Japanese, German, Irish, Scottish, English, and Spanish.

Wow.

It's called a fucking egg omelet sandwich, right?

It's called disgusting.

It's called Hitler would have been.

Carlito, welcome to the Pearl River Resort.

He said Carlito.

You know the five digits.

He said Carlito, listen.

This is Carlito.

Carlito.

No, he didn't.

He said something in Indian.

Carlito.

Yes, he sounded like a sad boy.

What the fuck does that mean?

If you know the five-digit extension of the person you're calling, you may enter it at any time.

For all other extensions, please listen to the following menu.

For reservations at Silver Star or Golden Moon Hotel, press 1.

For free gaming services at the Silver Star or Golden Moon, press 2.

For gaming services at the hotel, press 2.

Thank you for calling Premium Gaming Services.

Our next VIP agent will be with you shortly.

We look forward to your visit.

This is in Mississippi.

You hear that?

Our next VIP will be on our next VIP.

GDP is here with you.

Be a player.

Are you hungry?

Well, you can win every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday

at Silver Star Hotel and Casino.

Chef's Pavilion.

Buff $10.

How do you know?

Bust your River Rewards.

Why are they putting a commercial on?

Well if we're going to prank them

The least we can do is let them get a commercial

I think that's fair enough

Shit taking too long

We'll call a different extension

I was just thinking moving right along

You know just to get the first punch in early

Carlito

How does it know your name dude

Thank you for calling.

All agents are currently busy assisting other callers.

Please hold, and your call will be answered as soon as possible.

Fund, get it now through April 30th.

God damn, they got some straight-up radio ads playing.

Did he really just say, do you want to do something with your tax refund, come to the casino and spend it?

Is that really what that motherfucker just said on that line?

Oh, my God.

That is disgusting.

Hey, dude, man.

It's our own nation, dude.

They're our own nation.

Choctaw Nation. It's like going on to

a foreign country right here in the

U.S., man. Seriously, that's

awful. Yeah, like in Minnesota and other

places like that, dude, they got, they're

all over. You've reached Billy with Orange Day Technical

Services. If you need immediate service,

please call dispatch at 888-

99- Dispatch!

Oh, shit, I hung up on the milkman

on accident, motherfucker!

I was gonna yell at him, he was gonna be like,

what happened, what happened? He was gonna spend

ten minutes figuring out what happened, what happened?

Oh my god, what happened?

I don't understand. What happened?

What happened?

I'm talking to myself anyway.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I hit the wrong button. I'm sorry.

All right.

Lonesome is...

I was telling you that those casinos are owned by their own nation.

These Indian tribes have been declared their own nation.

90% of them build casinos.

Who do they think they are, right?

Seriously, who do they think they are?

I'm sure they were the original owners of the land before we came in and basically wiped them out.

well they didn't have a deed that their name wasn't on it they couldn't write well that's

that whatever ignorance of the law is no excuse they didn't deserve to own a land or have any

claim no we got there we're like where's your name motherfucker like that's justification now

like a gray sun eagle columbus is a cool guy man all right chris is a guy who posted

some of those websites where people complain about getting calls from telemarketers what

Guy posted on some of those websites

Where people complain about getting calls

From telemarketers and other numbers

What did he post?

I'm confused

We'll make this the first call of the night

It is now 10.33

And I have not done one prank call tonight

I'm foreseeing

Gotta get through on one

Well then I started late also

Cause I was fucking

So now I'm here

I don't feel good

I think I'm just gonna wrap it up early tonight

Cause I hate you guys

especially like horses and stuff like that you haven't reached chris uh please leave a message

he's got a point we haven't reached him right that guy's pretty smart i like that he said that

actually very cool very nice yeah most people like you have reached no you haven't motherfucker

right because i didn't pick up gourmet curry hut indian cuisine in australia okay milkman what's

What's your favorite Chevy Chase movie?

Oh, probably one of the National Lampoons.

Definitely one of those.

Yeah.

Probably the shitty Vegas movie.

Hey, I want to make an order.

Order?

Yeah.

Take me?

Yeah.

I want to take you away in my car.

Huh?

I want to take you away in my car.

You sit down next to me in the car.

Put your seatbelt on.

We'll take you away.

I'm going to drive right into the beach.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

I wanted to...

Who is that?

Is that your wife or your mother?

That's my wife.

Huh?

That's your mom?

oh i'm gonna i want to take her away i want to make a takeaway order i want to make an order

for takeaway i want to make an order for takeaway yeah yeah i want to take away that woman your

sister all right okay you come on to make plenty i'm gonna drive her to the beach yeah and then

i'm gonna drive the car into the ocean into the water okay there was a lot of confusion back there

and they're like, what the?

What?

They're just going to hang up.

I got like a headache

right now. I'm on some new meds

and yeah, it's not good, man.

It's not good.

Well, alright.

It's a new injection.

It's not insulin.

It's a new injection.

Is that that Pestozo or

Victozo or whatever the hell that shit is?

Yeah, Victozo, yeah.

I've been seeing that shit on TV. I was wondering who the hell

would take that shit you gotta take it i'm taking i just started it yeah oh how's it working well

my appetite's gone my appetite's fucking gone but it just feels weird because it's like i should be

hungry right now but i'm not it's hard to explain so it's an appetite suppressant i thought it was

something to do with insulin well yeah it does but it also has a side effect that it suppresses

your appetite yeah that's what it's supposed to do yeah because it it breaks down it works like

insulin where it's breaking down the glucose

in your sugar into

energy, right?

But at the same time, it's also giving off the

when it does that, it gives

off the normal receptors that

make you feel full in your brain.

So, you know,

as long as you're burning sugar, you

stay full and it increases your

insulin resistance. Like my sugar went immediately.

It went from being

high to 150

all day today. It was 150 all day today.

So you don't have to take insulin then?

I didn't take an insulin today

And my sugar stayed at 150

I had strawberries today

So you normally take it what

Two times a day right

My insulin

I take a long acting at night

And I take three of the short acting

With each one

I thought you only did two of them

And with this Victoza

I take one shot

One injection

Sweetkiss is wanting to say hi

Hi.

Hi, Sweet Kisses.

Animal Abuser.

He said,

Mono says,

Hi, Sweet Kisses.

You can't hear him,

and she just called in.

Toe, I said Animal Abuser.

He said he's guilty of animal abuse.

That's not what I said.

He got caught playing with himself.

I'm calling another curry Indian restaurant,

not the same one,

a different one.

Anyway, if you're diabetic,

I highly recommend you ask your doctor about Victoza.

I'm not being paid for this promotion.

Do you think I like some curbs?

I don't want to risk a heart failure and risk a mortal death.

That's with everything.

There is, I will tell you something.

A small percentage, yeah.

All right, well, good.

I hope it works out.

Yeah.

Hello?

Yeah, Milkman had something to say.

A pepan?

Milkman has something to say.

Mira.

Condu.

Okay, would you like to make an order, please?

Takeaway?

Sorry?

I would like to make a takeaway order.

Oh, sorry, we're not open to you this evening.

You're a fucking asshole.

Oh, yeah.

When do you open?

It doesn't matter.

Nothing upset me.

Just to go.

Just answer your question.

I'm a customer.

I command you.

You command me?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Who do you think you are?

Carlito.

Anyway, so what time do you open?

What time do you open?

Brilliant.

Stupid.

Do you have halal meat?

Good afternoon, John Covey.

Yeah, do you have halal meat?

I'm sorry?

Do you have halal meat?

Yes, halal.

We are 100% halal shop.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Yeah, are you guys Indian or Muslim or what are you?

What is it about?

What kind of food do you make?

Indian, Muslim, or what exactly?

What kind of food do you make?

Indian and Malaysian.

Okay, okay, all right, yeah, no problem.

I'd like to make an order then.

One banchot.

Okay.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

And then I want to take you away.

Say what?

I'm going to take you away.

You're going to what?

I'm going to take you away.

Take away?

Yeah, for you, I'm going to take you to 1820 Bank Place.

You know where that is?

Is this a joke?

Sure.

No, I'm calling from Curry Vault Indian Restaurant.

Do you know us?

Who doesn't?

Yeah, you guys fucking suck.

Yeah, yeah.

How about you?

Yeah, no, no, no.

We're great.

Look at the mirror and tell the same thing about you.

Yeah, well, we're great.

We're the best fucking Indian restaurant in Melbourne.

Yeah, yeah.

Melbourne.

Whose money is falling?

Your own?

Whose phone is it?

Your own or somebody else's phone?

Yeah, you're a fucking Asian asshole, motherfucker.

Ooh.

Yeah.

Ooh.

Ooh, how about you fucking American Apple?

Take Indian off of your restaurant, your menu.

Cross it out, motherfucker.

You come from the U.S. and you start fucking in Australia?

Come on, man.

Go back to your country.

Oh, wow, man.

You're one to talk.

You're one to fucking talk, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

This is my country.

Bring it on.

What do you think?

I'm not this old-fashioned A5, okay?

I'm a white person.

Bring it on.

Come on, say hi if you got the gut.

And tell me who belongs here in Australia.

Me or you?

What about you?

Go back to your country.

No.

This is my land.

I'm descended of these people from here.

Dennis.

Hello.

This is...

Hello.

Go back.

Have a nice day.

Yeah, that's all.

Hello.

Yes, hi.

Yes.

I'd like to make an order.

Yes, yes.

Okay.

One bhenchod.

Hello.

Some weird fucking shit going on.

How did it go, Mr. Higgins?

I want to make an order, and I don't want to talk to any fucking woman.

Sorry?

I don't want to talk to any fucking woman.

What do you want to order?

I want to talk to a man.

Get off the phone, woman.

I don't talk to a woman on the phone.

Woman mess up order.

Go to the kitchen.

Why are you not in the kitchen?

We are in the kitchen.

Well, put a man on the phone who answers the phone.

Come on.

Hip.

Put a man on the phone.

Hip.

You want to order?

So you can order.

Okay.

All right.

One chicken tikka masala.

It's own vegetarian restaurant.

Okay.

One bench hood.

Fucking bitch.

We had up to four people on the line at one time.

None of those was funny.

if you ask me none of those entertained me none of them made me happy hello we are not available

now please leave your name and phone number after the beep we will return your call here's a

different one flora india machine hello good afternoon sorry indian hi this is on this hello

hello this is on this student hi yes sir can i help you hello yes please hello hello hello okay

Okay, here's two fat Indians, two fat Indians in Melbourne, Australia.

Isn't it pronounced Melbourne?

You used to say Melbourne, Melbourne, some shit like that.

Melbourne, like Melba Toast.

Two fat Indians, how can I help you?

Yeah, hey, how you doing, sexy?

What?

How you doing, sexy?

Who you are?

I'm making order.

How you making order?

Well, I was just saying hi, I haven't done an order yet.

Yeah, that is how I do an order, fucker.

Stupid.

Hey, Carter Shaw, can I help you?

Yeah, that is how I do an order.

Why?

What's the problem?

What would you like to order?

One chicken tikka masala.

Actually, we are closed today for lunch and dinner.

Why did you ask what I wanted to order?

Why would you ask that if you're closed for today, stupid motherfucker?

Why?

Take the fucking order because you're not fucking closed.

Don't give me that fucking bullshit, motherfucker.

We are closed because we're having a private function in the restaurant, so we are closed.

Bullshit.

I'm still coming in.

You have staff there.

I'm still coming in.

This is bullshit.

But why are you talking like that?

Like, don't you know how to talk to people?

Well, because you're a woman, to be honest with you.

This is how I talk to women, is how I come across.

Yeah, I did say, like, we are closed for tonight.

Okay, that's nice, honey.

Is there a man I can talk to to get this worked out, figured out?

For sex?

I'm not going to give you, like, anything.

It's actually because, like, how are you?

Hello?

Yeah, what's her problem?

Huh?

Uh, what?

Yeah, she's going to get a little slap in the mouth if I ever come down there

and she talks to me like that in person.

Why don't you come down right now, you fucking faggot.

Why, you fucking motherfucking asshole.

Come, you loser.

Yeah, what about Bancho?

Do you know what Bancho is?

Come, you loser.

Yeah, my weasel.

We're waiting.

Yeah, come in front of me.

Come, come.

Yeah, come on.

Come, come.

I'm waiting.

Jack off in front of me.

Jack off.

Come on, you dumb American.

Masturbate in front of me.

I'm Australian

Masturbate

Can I talk to you later?

Yeah, I'll put you on to another person

He thinks you're a wanker

Yeah, can I make an order, please?

Sorry?

I'd like to make an order, please

No, sorry, we are closed today

Fuck you

You, please, also

You fucking mother

Bunch of sister

Fucking asshole

You fucking monkey

Fell out of the tree

One, two, three, four, five, six

Monkey that fell out of the tree

That's you

monkey that fell out of the tree dude the people were pranking tonight are like being real fucking

mean and jerky to me i don't appreciate it they don't know how to take an order that's what it

is they got a problem with the order bar everyone's being real rude to me making me feel bad they're

turning the tables on me and i just may call for you getting a little bit tougher anyway what i

was going to say before all that milkman is with that victoza there is a concern about thyroidism

problems because when they tested it on rats the rats developed thyroid uh some of them developed

thyroid condition they had a hell of a list of side effects that's why i was asking yeah

it is working that's good for you man because side effects can always make some of the best

annoying yeah well it didn't happen to any humans but they won't prescribe it to you if you have if

you've had thyroid cancer uh but you don't have thyroid cancer well exactly yeah unless if you

If you have or have had thyroid cancer, you can't take it because it affected rats at some point.

But it hasn't affected any humans.

It might be something where three years down the line I might get thyroid cancer.

Will it help to diminish your homosexual tendencies or will it, like, you know, augment them?

Sure.

Isn't thyroid cancer pretty manageable, though?

Isn't it like melanoma?

I don't know, dude.

I don't know if it's a manageable form of cancer.

I know that your thyroid controls your metabolism.

metabolism your metabolic rate is set by your thyroid that's why people with thyroid problems

have weight problems usually heavy so are you saying that i could develop a thyroid problem

where in turn all the weight that i lose because of the appetite suppressant will end up coming

back holy shit really god man think about dude god would do that right god would teach humanity

No, God wouldn't do that, man.

This is chemistry.

It has nothing to do with God.

This is all about man and chemistry.

No, God is like, I'm going to take this gift away from you because you were vain.

Well, then don't use his name in vain no more.

Quit saying that.

Well, what's going to happen to you when you get that surgery now that you got approved for?

You're going to see what's going to happen.

Well, I'm not going to be able to poop for a long time, dude.

They're going to sew my butt shut.

And then that way, you know, I don't have to worry about gaining weight anymore, man.

Whatever.

All right, we got for sale a child's tricycle.

this is in mississippi charles tricell i love mississippi man delta blues baby yeah and a

redneck guy answered their milkman your people yeah man motherfucker so what are you like creole

or something like how the fuck does that happen where are your people from jesus dude got some

puerto rican me too man they're on me anyway you're like 10 different races disgusting no

No wonder you look like a man.

No wonder you have diabetes.

Hello?

Yeah, hey.

I see you got a tricycle.

I have diabetes.

Say that again.

I see you have a tricycle.

I have diabetes.

Angie.

I see you have a child's tricycle.

I have diabetes.

Oh, yes.

Yes, yes.

I'd forgotten about that as a matter of fact.

You dumb motherfucker.

Yes, we do.

We have a little child's tricycle.

You dumb motherfucker.

motherfucker i have diabetes okay what about it well i have fucking diabetes and this motherfucker

okay okay respect me all right so ten dollars cash only yes does it have to be bills uh no no

it don't matter you what is it quarters canadian quarters what is it quarters yeah sure quarters

yeah technically they're quarters that'd be fine that'd be fine technically they're quarters yeah

Yeah, okay, and I have dollar bills, but they have, like, this die on them.

I don't know how it happened.

Oh, well, what did it mean to me?

Well, there was a die on them, and some of them, like, they kind of got shredded.

Like, someone put a firecracker in them.

So, can you spend them?

Yeah, probably, but, like, for, like, person-to-person transactions, I would save it to them.

I wouldn't deposit them in the bank.

Well, you know, if it's not anything I could use it to bank, well, I wouldn't want it.

Well, no, you could still go to the store and use it, but I wouldn't, you know what I mean?

I wouldn't go to a bank and give it because they might check it out.

Yeah.

But you could spend it in the store, yeah.

I'd rather have the quarters.

Bring the quarters.

All right, I'll bring the goddamn motherfucking quarters, motherfucker.

Where are you from?

I'm from Mississippi, motherfucker.

Yeah, well, I mean, where would you be coming from?

On the road, motherfucker, in my fucking car.

In the motherfucking car, motherfucker.

Well, who would come after the tricycle?

I want to ride it because I got diabetes.

Who would pick it up?

I'm going to come, motherfucker.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm here in Petal.

I'm here in town.

I'm new here.

I live on Horse Machine Ranch Road.

Okay, so you live in Petal.

Yeah, then I'm going to come and I'm going to masturbate in front of you and your family.

Oh, yes, I got you.

Right?

I'm going to be so happy

I'm going to smell the tricycle seat

I'm going to smell it and masturbate

And ejaculate on it

And sit down on it

Until I get stuck on it

There we go

What the fuck

Was he just not listening to me calling motherfucker

I think he's really interested

In getting the quarters for that tricycle

I see it

This is a fucking retarded show tonight

I love it

leave your name and number and i will return your call thank you did they ever not have the tv on

jesus even having the fucking voicemail leave your name and number i'm gonna go masturbate

in front of your family's like yep oh all right yep we can do that he's like sure we'll watch

hey how are you honey good that's good listen i was just talking i guess to your husband about

about getting the tricycle?

Huh?

Yeah, so it's tomorrow.

I don't want to come there tonight.

It's too late, you know, to come down there.

Yeah.

Are you guys going to be around in the afternoon,

or do you guys work or whatever?

No, we'll be here afternoon.

You can call afternoon and make sure that we're here.

Okay, all right.

And then, yeah, so I wanted to come.

I want to see the tricycle first, you know, just to check it out,

make sure it's okay.

All right.

And then I'm going to smell the tricycle, the seat on it.

i'm gonna smell it while i drop my pants and i'm gonna masturbate in front of your whole family

no you're not oh yeah i'm coming he already gave me the address he already gave me the address

goodbye okay are you there hey honey oh she was there so no you're not no i'm not milkman no i'm

not that's right you better get it straight son tell me you're from florida if you're gonna talk

ugly i'm not talking to you well happy easter um so tomorrow's a good day to come by then give us

a call if we're at home you're welcome to come look at it okay all right and what i'll do is

i'll put my hand i'm going to wear um sweatpants and leave my pants on but i'm going to have my

hand inside the pants because i have enough room listen we are christians i don't want to listen

to this kind of talk good night okay i understand i understand let's leave her alone milkman all

All right, come on, they're Christians.

That's enough.

Yeah, I don't like the word out, Christians, dude.

You know, it's just being a liar, dude.

There's plenty others to find out there that are funny.

We don't prank call, we're Christians here.

No fan.

Prank call network.

Prank call nation.

Prank call network.

Wrong name.

That's pretty sad.

I came up with a fucking name for it, and I just called out the wrong thing.

I'm going to move for coconut meat.

I don't know why.

Just coconut meat.

We got someone with a John Deere skidder for sale.

All right.

it has all the parts the good parts on it i like john deere soon but ford's better so it's a broken

down one it's got a lot of good parts they'll pull them off you're a john deere man or a ford man

kawasaki man hello hey honey baby how are you excuse me how are you doing honey baby i'm not

your honey baby oh i'm sorry i'm sorry i mean i didn't mean to offend you you have the john deere

parts oh come on you fucking bitch she got mad about honey baby milkman they have three more

numbers listed though oh that's good i thought in mississippi in the south would be okay with that

shit whoa i think you've got the wrong number i'm sorry you have john deer parts i needed some

oh i was just trying to be nice that's just how i talk thought she's looking for your honey baby

i just call women that i'm sorry did i offend you no not used to it okay all right i have a big dick

How much are they?

How much for the parts?

Oh, shit.

Is she willing to show her parts?

What else?

This is fun, son.

I got a big dick.

Oh, my God.

We're not getting an answer there.

As I was saying before, they had two other numbers listed for them.

Let's give the next one a call.

I'll see if someone else in the household

That's funny

This one isn't answering apparently

Here's a third one

Keeping in mind if you're watching on the YouTube video feed

Or over at madhouselive.com's video feed

And you're not listening to the audio feed

You're missing out on the music

You're missing out on the full experience

YouTube and Google of course have

High strict rules when it comes to copyright music

Get it in the stereo

Yeah, so if you wanted to get the music along with this broadcast,

if you're wondering why there's a lot of pauses sometimes,

it's because you're missing out on the musical effect,

you can go over to prankcallnation.com and entertain yourself.

This one's for you in the room here.

I use drugs, I'm a milkman.

No way, man, it's not cool.

Likewise, if you're listening and you wanted to see me and watch Milkman doing drugs on video,

I ain't gonna do no drugs now.

Check out our YouTube feed.

You can watch it right over at madhouselive.com.

That's some pretty good chat you got going there, man.

That was a hell of a hit.

Thank you, asshole.

Ring, ring, ring.

Telephone ring.

All right, so here we have in Texas a hunting lodge, which you can rent.

There's a two-bird limit.

I don't know what that means.

You can only catch two birds.

That's bullshit.

Yeah.

Really?

Some places have law like that.

It might be just for their party, though, if you're going to take them to the party.

So you can't go out there and kill all the birds?

Fuck.

Take a fucking machine shotgun out there.

Go out there with 50 people and just start shooting all the birds.

Fucking 10-gauge.

I want a 10-gauge machine shotgun, man.

Vulcan loader on it, yep.

Oh, my God.

I'm going to tell them I'm going to napalm them.

Yeah, man.

That's like a 10,000-round cartridge in there.

i'm gonna knock down all the fucking trees and chase all the squirrels in a fucking bonfire

oh you got more weight and fucking bullets and cards yeah listen buddy you got that hunting

lodge over there yes good good and what there's a two bird limit is it i'm from florida you see

we don't have no limits on the bird shooting how is it up here in this motherfucker what's that

How's the bird limit?

How's that working as a motherfucker?

We don't got one in Florida where I live.

I live in Ocala, Florida off the National Forest.

Okay, yeah, well, I do on all of our hunts, we do a two-bird limit.

So I can just kill two of them motherfuckers?

Yeah.

All right.

Does that include bald eagles?

No, right?

If you want to do.

Okay, good, good.

That's a good deal.

All right, and so you have a rule against the trees also?

Like, what can I not do with the trees?

Yeah.

You can cut them down.

You can hug them.

You can do whatever you want to do with them.

Can I have a bonfire?

Yes.

Okay.

I'm going to have a big bonfire.

We're going to go into the trees.

We're going to cut them all down and chase all the fucking squirrels into the fucking bonfire.

Okay.

Yeah, that sounds good.

Then all the guys are going to shoot our shotguns up in the air.

We're going to take our clothes off and dance for Satan.

We're going to be like, Satan, motherfucker, Satan, like that.

We're going to play Metallica backwards really loud.

Yeah, that's normally what most of the people do.

We'll have an echo through the whole thing.

Then we're going to burn the lodge down with us inside of it while we're masturbating the whole time.

Yeah, that's what they did last week.

Normally, every couple weeks or so, somebody does that, so it's pretty common.

So you're Jim Rapey?

Yeah.

Okay, so you have people in your family that raped?

They what?

You have people in your family that raped?

They rape?

Yeah, your last name is Rapey.

Oh, it's actually with a B, but since you asked about the rape, I mean, yeah, that's a pretty common practice.

Yeah? In your family, it is?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, definitely. It's pretty good. It's a fun thing to do, you know, to pass the time away.

How many fathers do you have?

What's that?

How many fathers do you have?

Three fathers?

Yeah.

Eleven, I believe.

Hello.

Yeah, hi. Listen, my name is Jim Raby. I live here in Ville Platt. How are you?

Fine. How are you doing?

Good. I'm interested in your duck and goose calls.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I want to put him in my ass and fart.

You want to do what?

I want to put him in my asshole and fart.

I don't think he wants that, Jim.

Jim, Jimbo.

What's that?

I don't think he wants to do that.

I guess not.

What's your address?

My address?

Yeah.

29.

P.O. Box 629?

Yes.

Texas 786-3527-497.63 and a quarter.

Did you get that?

Hello?

Not you.

The other guy.

Hey, duck goose call.

He doesn't want to talk now.

He's a motherfucker.

You must be bored, huh?

Yeah, yeah, pretty much.

It's not going good for me tonight.

Do what?

My math teacher in high school, he died of cancer Tuesday morning.

Yeah, and I was masturbating in the middle of thinking about it,

and I just, like, lost my erection and everything.

Yeah, well, normally that makes me get harder.

That someone died of cancer, really?

Yeah, yeah, normally that'll just make it harder.

Dude, you really, you get hard because Mr. Lindell died?

Hello?

No, when somebody else tells me a story about it.

Hey, how you doing?

You have turkey hunt?

Yeah.

Yeah, good.

Can I catch the turkeys with my hands, or does that have to be with a gun?

You can catch them with your hands if you want to.

Okay, and I want to break their necks.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm going to rip off the necks of the head and everything.

I'm going to rip it off.

Okay.

I'm going to eat the turkey, you know, not even cooking.

I'll eat it right there in front of everybody, the bowels and everything, the shit.

All right, there you go.

Yeah, and then I'll be like...

There you go.

$600

I don't care what you do with it

I'll be like

Grace Satan come in my body

Grace Satan and I'll have all the blood and everything

On me

Yeah but I'll be like

Grace Satan and then I'll start a fire

Yeah I'm gonna start a fire

Yeah you know

I take

Coke bottles I fill them with gasoline

And I put like a rag

In the top I make like 20 of them

Then I light them all with my Zippo lighter

and I scream in the name of Satan

and I start throwing the bottles up into the trees.

Hi, there you go.

Yeah, you can light like a whole forest on fucking fire.

It's really awesome.

I hear you.

Yeah, you're a motherfucker, you know that?

So, do you want to come back here?

Yeah, yeah.

Will you masturbate while I dump turkeys?

Hi, how much money did you put up?

I'll give you six.

Six hundred extra dollars.

Twelve hundred total.

All right, sounds good.

How many times do you masturbate, then?

It doesn't matter to me.

I want you to masturbate for two hours straight without stopping.

Yeah?

Yeah, will you do that?

Look, you have to keep pulling yourself back.

Fuck you, man.

Fuck you.

I really fucking hate you.

Why don't you get mad or anything?

Fuck you, asshole.

Me?

I don't have anything to get mad about.

All right, I'm going to put Milkman on just to talk stupid to you.

Maybe you'll hang on.

Milkman, make a funny voice, Milkman.

Yes!

He said, oh, can I make an order?

Listen, Bancho, I'd like to make an order.

I heard you're gone, too.

Yes, are you gone, too?

What?

Gone, too.

Listen, Bancho, take the back end out of your ear.

Is that your phone or mine?

I can't even understand what you're saying.

I don't know either.

I think you got a meter in your ear, son.

Somebody's ringing.

I know.

Is that yours?

I think it's mine.

i don't think it's mine i think it's on y'all's end don't give me that now i can hear it i think

that's your phone your phone wasn't ringing your head's ringing no i can hear it you can hear it

right i don't know yeah i can hear it yeah i can hear the ringing i think i heard it too yeah

i couldn't it's not mine you sound like you bumped your head man maybe it was my phone i don't know

do you know what's weird do you know a trudy a wood trudy do you know a trudy

no jonathan do you know what jonathan oh look there it goes again is that you

yeah no that's not me do you hear that what's wrong with your phone i don't know i don't know

what then you need to go check your battery or something shit that's weird yeah baby it's your

phone line just crossed over is somebody gonna answer i don't know i know

You know, I mean, you don't want to talk shit.

Hello?

Put somebody else on.

Yeah, Tommy.

Hello?

Is Tommy there?

Hello?

Oh, hello?

Did you hear that?

You called, man.

It's late.

Hello?

Yeah?

Who's this?

Say it.

Huh?

Hello?

Hey, baby.

Hello?

I had no idea.

Yeah.

Hey, how are you?

Good.

Yeah, my phone rang over here, and I picked up.

Oh.

Is Tommy there?

Tommy?

Yeah, do you know a Tommy?

No, I don't know Tommy.

I don't know one either.

Well, I guess I made two of it.

It says here that Tommy called.

I don't know.

I think Tommy, is Tommy there?

Is the woman there?

No.

I swore a woman was on, right?

She said that she was.

No, I heard you.

No, I did hear that.

I heard some woman on there for a second.

That's weird.

Like, my phone just started making a ringing noise.

Like, it was ringing.

I don't understand why.

Yeah, I could hear that, too.

Right?

Isn't that insane?

Yeah, it's crazy.

Have you ever had a problem with your phone?

Like, checked out?

Maybe they could check your lines or something or mine.

Dude, you need to check your battery.

It sounds like it's dying.

Oh, there it is again.

You heard that?

Listen to this shit.

I heard it.

Son of a bitch.

Why don't you charge that shit up, man?

You are young.

That's not going out.

You're going to kill her doing something.

No, I swear to God.

I got a phone call and I picked it up.

That's crazy.

Am I going to answer it on this time?

Can you hear it ringing?

Hey, this is Jimmy.

Give me my phone call.

Oh, it was Jimmy.

Do you know a Jimmy?

I don't know a Jimmy.

I don't know a Jimmy either.

That's weird.

I don't know.

No, it keeps doing it.

Who is it?

Maybe it's like...

I'm going to charge the battery and shit.

I didn't even know how this all started out.

I just know I was sleeping here and there it goes again.

What's wrong with your phone, man?

Who's that guy?

You need to give it a reason.

There's another guy on here too with us.

That's your PCS shit.

Who's that?

Huh?

Yeah.

Hello?

All right.

Are y'all there?

Hey.

What the hell's wrong with your phone, man?

I don't think it's funny.

I think there's a real problem here with the phone.

I think you got a battery going dead.

Do you have a cordless phone, a cordless phone?

Oh, yeah.

All right, well, hey, I'm fixing to have to go to bed.

Hello?

Yeah, I'm here.

Oh, okay.

I hear you.

Okay.

The ringing stopped again.

There was ringing, and someone...

You're going to give me a headache.

My head's ringing now.

charge your battery

alright buddy

I'm fixing to go to bed

alright me too I'm fixing to go masturbate

alright

I'll do it

y'all be sure and have fun

alright yeah alright bye

alright bye bye

whatever that guy was having a good old time

you're having a good time

you got better shit than we do man

you cracked up more than I have tonight

that would be cool just to get a call like that out in the blue though that would be fucking funny

it would make my week i know that it definitely would man i'd be playing right along with it

dude i would even not knowing all about all this shit i'd still be playing along with it

because i just think it's like just funny i would shit myself if i had my eyes on the radio

yeah man i'm tired all right here's uh someone's got a concealed carry class being offered yeah

Yeah, man.

It's another old fat, fat, fat old call here, brother.

All right, man.

You be careful with that.

That's illegal.

What you're doing right now is illegal.

Dude, that shatter, though, man.

That shatter.

Put a chunk of shatter right in my shatter.

I wonder, are you losing all this weight and stuff because of all the drugs?

Yeah, hi.

You put an ad here for classes for using the gun machines?

We use a basic pistol core.

Yeah.

And that's it, yeah.

Okay, so then I can do the...

Fuck you.

Then I can carry it around, right?

Legally?

No.

You have to...

Once you take the class, it's required by the state of Louisiana,

and you take the basic pistol course.

Oh, my God.

What?

What are you talking about?

Hold on just a second.

Yes, you have a pistol class, is it?

Yes.

Okay, and after this...

Of course

You guys will notarize the paperwork

And then I still have to file it

With the city or the county

Or where exactly for me to be able to carry it around

The motherfucker

After I take the course

I get notarized paperwork from you

Correct?

Do I file that with the county or the state

Or where exactly motherfucker

You file it with

And do you shoot

Do I actually do target shooting

And do I learn how to hold the gun

yep and then i'm gonna learn how to twirl the gun like that you know you put it on the hip and you

pick it up you twirl it around and you shoot it in the air you're like motherfuckers stand back

do that huh yeah something like that yeah yeah yeah then you learn how to be can you teach me

how to shoot the gun sideways holding it sideways okay you know what i mean by sideways yep like i

want to well like i'm gonna wrap the handle with a bandana around my hand and i'm gonna hold the

gun instead of pointing up and down the sight is going to go left from right and then oh

all right he's gone i don't know what the fuck that was about that was a really weird moment

in my life that guy is definitely what was that guy we called man

I don't know.

What was his name?

I don't know.

The Cracker Dude.

Making weird noises tonight.

All right, moving right along.

Lonesome sending in some good numbers.

Some real redneck people are selling shit.

I know, man.

Those in here.

Dude, I live in Florida, too, man.

Shit, dude.

And I've been far south of the islands.

That doesn't count.

The further south you go in Florida, the more north you go.

I went actually the other way, dude.

I went below south.

Dude, I went to the islands.

You know, you're from there, man.

Yeah, but Milkman, you know the saying,

the further south and forward to get them further north to go you know oh well yeah that's true yeah

miami is really not perfect man get close to the bottom you get more and more snowbirds

snowbirds count on them man like a clock man october here they come

all right i'll be 70 years all right quiet listen shut up someone has a wetsuit what do you do with

the wetsuit you put it on you take a piss piss

in it and then it's

warmed up first that way it's nice and warm man this one time i was at fucking blue springs man

florida it's like a silver springs blue springs oh blue okay and this motherfucker this fucking

mexican was doing scuba diving lessons and he came out of the water and he was he came out next to me

and i looked over and there was yellow water dripping from him and it smelled like fucking

horse piss it was so fucking disgusting oh my god he took a piss and he must have done it like

right as he was coming out and he didn't bother to like make sure he was oh it was so fucking

I got my scuba cert down there.

It was at Rainbow River.

I just went where I got mine at.

Rainbow River, huh?

Hello?

Yeah, how are you doing, you motherfucker?

Who is this?

Yeah, I wanted to see about this.

Is it a wetsuit that you have?

Who is this?

This is Eddie.

How are you?

God bless you.

I think you have the wrong number.

You have something for sale.

You put as a smooth fleece type lining, knee pads.

Hello?

Thanks.

Come on.

Is Kirk there?

Not a minute.

Motherfucker.

It's his mom.

Milkman.

Where are you calling from?

I'm calling from Louisiana.

Louisiana?

Iota.

From Iota?

And I'm masturbating.

I ruined it.

I ruined it by saying I was masturbating.

Way down there in the Delta, baby.

They left another number, bitch.

You fucking asshole.

So why would you do something like that?

Fuck you.

That doesn't do shit.

You're playing a whistle on the phone.

Oh, boy.

What a...

That was a hell of a measure, dude.

What a dickhead.

Let's call him back and give him one back.

I'm going to call the other number.

All right.

Enough of that.

He hung up for a couple minutes anyway.

Here is a group deer and turkey hunt in KY, also known as Kentucky.

K-Y Jelly.

The home of the K-Y Jelly, dude.

Why do you think they invented it there?

Kentucky Jelly.

They named Kentucky after it.

Hello.

Yeah, hi.

You have a group deer and turkey hunt, motherfucker?

Have what?

You have a group deer and turkey hunt, motherfucker?

I'm diabetic.

Hang on just a second.

Oh, shit.

Hello.

Hey, Tom.

How you doing?

Good.

Who is this?

Son of a bitch.

This is Eddie.

Hi, man.

You got the wrong number.

Motherfucker, you got a group deer and turkey hunt, motherfucker.

motherfucker you got the wrong number buddy listen i command you to talk to me about it

you son of a bitch yeah well don't ever call here again i'm gonna call i'm gonna call again

motherfucker okay go ahead because you won't get nobody shit you're gonna do all right let's see

yeah okay here he said you're gonna pick up good you won't do boy yeah i think we'll rouse

somebody's attention give us enough time to get a whistle we'll crack your fucking crack your

hey motherfucker hey you need to apologize i'm gonna call again and bullshit that i'm not gonna

get anybody how bullshit on you bullshit on you you hear them they're in bed right now yeah hey

motherfucker hey get the train whistle train whistle get the alarm dude get the alarm i don't

have that alarm anymore dude i love that alarm dude we had a lot of fun oh i bought another one

You have to solder it.

I've got to put it together.

Oh, shit.

You've got to fix it, dude.

I bought a new kit.

Don't tear this one up this time.

I'll send you a case for it.

Well, I've got an Altoid box I'm going to put it in.

That'll be much bigger.

Is that big, fat Daniel?

Yeah.

Yeah, you're looking to rent a small two-bedroom house or some shit like that?

Yeah.

Yeah, I've got one of those motherfuckers.

Hello?

I'm going to take a break.

Fuck.

No, man, I'm going to take a break.

Somebody's hanging on there, man.

Yeah, I know, but I don't want to take a break with them on the line because then they're

gonna hear special shit so let me hang up on them uh okay so i'm gonna take a break right now real

quick so i can go refill on my water machine uh i will be back however i'm excited about doing some

more prank calls we still haven't looked at request a prank we got more numbers coming in

from loans and loser i'm sure ken is around he's going to be joining us maybe some of the others

will join as well that'd be cool that'd be excellent and remember if you're watching the

the video or listening to the show head over to madhouse live.com where you can send a request

to prank over to me i'm going to be doing those when we come back also join our chat room if

you're not in there now that's over at prank call nation.com slash chat get your 420s out

man that time again all right man keep doing the drugs milkman this music was really good for you

Anyway, I'll be back in about like five.

Give me about five or six minutes.

I'll be right back.

Okay, folks.

Much appreciated.

But God, space is my team.

Space Jam.

What the fuck you want, Mike Tucker?

Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.

I almost said good afternoon.

Good evening, everybody.

I'm Carlito, host of the show.

Back here for the second part along with Milkman.

And look back.

Yay.

Oh, yeah.

Everybody got out.

Yeah, man.

Drink those sparks.

Those energy drink beers.

They're really good.

They just are.

Yes.

Okay, look.

I'm going to take a look at Request a Prank as promised here and see what we have to do.

Okay, looking here, Oliver is a black Nigerian guy, always sleeps on the job, and preaches the Bible.

Okay.

We are to call him, tell him to come to room 205, and tell him that God is his best friend.

The guy who actually lives in 205 is an Indian Hindu guy.

In London, in the UK, a Nigerian guy named Oliver who preaches the Bible,

and we're going to try to get him to go to an Indian guy's room and get him to say Banchu.

That is what we've been told to do by this user named Joe Papp.

I need you to come to 205, please.

Yes, the Indian man is here.

Okay, I need you to deliver a message to him.

It's important.

He needs to know that Bhenchod.

Can you write that down?

Yeah.

Can you take the phone with you?

Do you have the phone with you?

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, take the phone with you.

Okay, go, go.

I'm waiting.

Thank you, Oliver, for doing this.

Are you there yet?

Yeah, are you there?

What's wrong?

Okay, is the man there?

Again?

This is, well, my name is Bhenchod.

Bhenchod?

Who are you?

Well, it's important that we talk to him.

Is he there?

Leave that line, please.

No, it's not working.

Yeah, that's what I can do about it.

Knock on the door.

It's an emergency.

No.

He's not responding.

He, listen.

Leave that line, okay?

Listen, he called us.

We don't give you information.

We don't do anything.

He called me.

He called me and said he wasn't feeling good.

He was feeling like he was going to fall down.

And then he hung up, and I tried calling him back, and he's not picking up.

I think he fell down.

Please call or knock on the door.

I'm scared.

It's my friend.

Please.

Please, Oliver, please.

So your name is?

Bhenchod.

Are you living in the hotel here?

No.

I used to live with him somewhere else.

Loud, loud.

Oh, no.

I think he's in trouble.

you're gonna have to open the door what's that noise you're not very loud he can't hear you

like five minutes ago tell him bhenchod tell tell him bhenchod tell him i'm on the line tell him

bhenchod is calling what what time you said he called you you're sick that he's sick right well

that he was gonna fall down did you tell him who i am what did you say your name is bhenchod yeah

let me talk to him okay for him listen now we'll tell him on his private tell him he needs to pick

Make it up, motherfucker, you fucking Nigerian motherfucker.

Call him on his private phone, okay?

Asshole.

You're an asshole.

He didn't want to put me on.

No, that was funny.

At least we booked the guy up.

All right, well, Mr. Joe Paff, thank you for sharing that with us.

Yeah.

The guy was very compliant.

Yeah.

All right, moving right along.

This number here is for a person selling fingerless gloves for $10 a pair.

Wow.

Oh, that's what they use in surgery now, right?

Fingerless gloves?

Why?

Yeah, the new kind of surgical gloves.

Why would you use fingerless gloves?

Well, it's the latest style.

Okay.

Would you wear latex under it?

That's kind of cool.

Well, yeah.

I mean, if you're going to wear panties, I guess.

Dude, if I was a surgeon, I would so wear fingerless leather gloves with latex gloves under them

so the fingers still had the latex and then have these cool kick-ass leather gloves.

That'd be cool.

yeah but you'd have to use new leather gloves each time you know yeah yeah so get expensive but

you're a doctor so fuck it right like fuck it if i was a doctor if i was making like a lot of money

i wouldn't wear the same pair of socks more than once i would throw them away each time i swear to

god i would i love the fluffy shoes they wear you ain't have to worry about nothing feels better

than new pair of socks for wearing it the first time milkman and i would i would want that every

time like you know like like lebron james do you really think he reuses his socks do you think he

does i don't think i don't think he reuses his sneakers his shoes i don't think he reuses let

alone his same bond lebron james milkman come on get your head out of your ass stop it uh request

a prank right that's what i was doing let's see and the fingerless gloves i might walk around with

fingerless gloves like dice andrew dice clay oh yeah dice clay yeah i made that shit what's up

he always had those fingerless weightlifting gloves and he was so out of shape it was so

stupid tough guy man dude that was easy he did that too early in the days in the show man i've

reached the mailbox of six seven one no i haven't i'm trying again to get some fingerless gloves

all right getting no answer they're moving right along the next request to prank uh comes from

turbo also this is people who are movers who move shit household shit presumably from guam to the

west coast okay so it's a moving food on echo cool they'll move your shit from guam to the united

states there are some of these in puerto rico who will move your shit to new york or orlando or

miami virgin islands too virgin islands has it yeah it's big business man keep your car yeah

well the thing is they ship your car and they fill up your car with as much shit as they can

That's the first thing they do

I know that

And the rest they usually put like

In a pods container these days

They used to do it some other way

But they

Now they usually just mail it too

I think

Something like that

My cousin did it

My cousin was staying

With my mom for a while

She shipped her car

And it cost her a whole bunch of money

Hey motherfucker

You guys ship the car machine?

Hello

You ship a car?

Going to where?

To Los Angeles

Yes one moment please

It's a tank

Hubbercraft

Hello sister

Can I help you?

Yeah, I wanted to ship a vehicle to the West Coast, to Los Angeles from here in Day-Dado.

What kind of vehicle, sir?

It's a military hovercraft.

A vehicle? Is this a private-owned vehicle?

It's a Navy SEAL hovercraft.

Oh, I see. The dimension and the weight?

The dimension. It's a big black and blue raft.

Let me see. Corporal Milkman, how many square feet would you say that is?

Approximately 72 square feet, sir.

72 square feet, yeah.

It's off the USS Erlander.

Is there a way, do you have a picture of this vehicle?

We want to know if this one can fit in a container or if it will go on a flat track.

I can look it up on Google Images.

Yeah, yeah, motherfucker.

Listen, I'm taking it from the base.

They don't know that I'm taking it.

Yeah, you have any problem with that?

We actually need the actual dimension and the weight so we can give you an accurate rate.

What's the actual dimension and weight of your ass?

Well, it's 250 feet long, and it's 18 feet the tallest.

18 feet tall, 200 feet long.

How wide is it then?

About 35, yeah, 35 and a half feet, exactly.

Should fit in one lane.

Did you get that, Sam?

Yeah, did you get that?

He just gave you the dimensions, motherfucker.

I'm not playing, motherfucker.

motherfucker. I just gave you the fucking

dimensions. Well, Corporal Milkman

did. That's not his real name. It's his codename.

His nom de gue. Let me just

get your number. One, six,

one, five. Oh,

la, la, la. Here we go.

I doubt that's what it is.

Where do people

call me? I'm calling from

my satellite phone.

We cannot handle this vehicle.

I'm sorry. Why not? It's

too big. You're an asshole.

You too. Yeah, bitch.

Stupid.

We tried 72 feet first.

She didn't like that.

That's the first time a Guam woman was, like, cunting to me like that.

Well, no bullshit.

Man.

I got you.

She's been around them U.S. guys all day.

She's wise now.

Caught her to curse.

Can I help you?

Yeah, do you know how to curse and drink?

I'm sorry, sir.

Do you like to curse and drink, little girl?

I don't know, sir.

I don't know what you're calling for, sir.

I like a girl that drinks whiskey and likes to curse.

I'm here at the military base.

So what about it, sir?

I want you to come over here.

We can drink whiskey and curse.

Bye.

That was a quick disconnect.

Holy shit.

Isn't that what Army guys did in Vietnam?

That's all they did.

You pulled your plug, man.

In Vietnam, all they did was drink and curse.

How cool was it that back in the day, like, our troops could get, like, beer and alcohol and shit with their provisions?

They don't do that shit anymore

Yeah you could get like what

Like two pints of grog

Yeah you could get like lit and shit

Like during World War II in Korea and Vietnam

They used to get those guys whiskey and shit

All the time bottles of whiskey

Yeah grog right

Well I don't know what's grog

They take whatever your alcohol is

And they pour a little bit of seawater in it

To make it go further

Ew why

Because everybody gets some that way

So they put a little bit of seawater in it

So everybody can get some

That's disgusting really

Really? Ew, man.

I don't want to drink that.

So, if you're going to have spirits,

it's not for everybody.

I would rather have less alcohol

than alcohol that's

mixed with shitty-ass seawater.

I'd be like,

I wouldn't have been held to be a pirate

then, huh?

Arr!

I knew you'd talk like this, baby.

I would have beat the shit out of someone who gave me that.

If I was a pirate,

I would have broken a bottle of grog over someone's head.

I'll frog your ass.

I'll frog you.

All right, Turbo sends in a number number for a guy who responded to a Craigslist ad

looking for people to participate in a penis enlargement study.

Good old Turbo putting out the word for penis enlargement.

The holy grail of manhood, Milkman.

After the cologne that attracts women.

Trisexual.

Yeah.

L.A. 03.

Message 3.

The mobile number you have called is no longer in.

Trying again.

baron oh it's no longer in service never mind not even worth it it said it was no longer in service

okay next in request a prank taking a look here

another person looking to participate in our penis enlargement program yeah how you doing

you call you uh contacted me regarding the penis enlargement study yeah um i'm actually at the gym

right now do you mind can i call you back in like a half hour oh that's fine bro what gym are you at

fitness oh wow yeah totally yeah i like that i like that place oh which one are you on the one

on crawford no i'm actually on okay word all right all right buddy what was your name john

okay got it a boulevard right oh yeah sweet sweet all right all right buddy uh thank you give me a

call back all right thanks all right bye all right now that we got his name and the location he's at

What was his name?

Shit.

Guys, chat room.

John, honey.

John, are you sure?

All right, I'm calling the LA Fitness and reporting.

Okay, honey.

Bye, honey.

Thank you for calling LA Fitness.

This is Brendan.

Yes, hello.

I'm calling from the corporate office.

Is there a John there working out right now?

I believe he's on one of the machines.

Let me see.

One moment.

I know we had a John in here earlier.

Is there a last name?

Yeah, we need him.

Well, I'd really rather not give that up, but we need to talk to him urgently.

It's an emergency.

His child is in trouble.

and he's not answering his cell phone.

If you don't mind, please, thank you.

John?

Wait, say it again?

John, we talked to John.

It's about his house.

Okay.

Thank you.

are you still

speaking to me

yeah I'm

waiting for

for john okay i have no way of reaching a i don't have a if i don't have a name i have no way of

getting getting a hold of him his name is john well there's probably a lot of johns john well

now that you're giving the last thing i can maybe look at for him his name is uh let me see if i

can maybe get a contact with in one moment john smith he's gonna recognize my voice i need someone

else to tell him that he was masturbating dwight dwight tell him tell him you're from the corporate

corporate office and that you caught him masturbating okay thank you okay in the shower

or turbo you do it turbo turbo yeah tell him your corporate office and he's in trouble for

masturbation or something okay i took i took her okay you got caught masturbating the shower

it's on the camera yeah ken you can be the janitor who saw it witness that he asked me to join in

or be the trainer be the trainer damn are they gonna find him these morons find them yeah

call him back maybe he was in the shower with this small penis

penis yeah you got to tell them evidence tell they had a small penis that you know

last night admit to only being like four inches hard and uh turbo ran him through the ringer and

asked him to be circumcised before the uh procedure and he's like oh the fuck that

he started flipping out yeah what was funny is asking him to have sex with a dog uh didn't make

him flip out but asking him to get circumcised that was the last straw sir was like oh you don't

want to uh you know have sex with a dog uh i guess we're gonna have to have to disqualify you the

guy's like whoa whoa wait a minute i'm disqualified because i won't have sex with a dog and fucking

turbo leads him on and talks him into it but uh circumcising him apparently would take away his

manhood so yeah we tried calling back to get his mother who was the original person who answered

the phone to let her let her know what a piece of shit son she is this small penis oh this well i

I already told her when she picked up that, you know, he wanted his penis enlarged.

Yeah, we got a guy named Luis you'll have to speak to also.

What's going on with this guy?

Hang on, I'm hanging up and calling back.

Fuck.

Luis was mad at us.

We called his representatives from Time Warner Cable last night and...

What the hell was that?

Oh, sorry about that.

Can I help you?

Why did you do that?

It wasn't intentional.

It was for some reason the tone came up.

Goodness me.

Goodness gracious.

Did you find that gentleman that I was looking for?

Still looking for him?

I'm going to give him another call on the...

Oh, God.

I'm going to give him another call on the paging system.

One moment, please.

All right, right away.

Thank you.

Is that the correct name, Turbo?

The last name?

Yeah.

I mean, I don't know how to pronounce it.

He's fucking beating off in the shower again.

But yeah, Luis legitimately thought we were from Time Warner Cable,

and we were leveling a bunch of, like, bullshit fees at him.

because somebody had called him earlier in the night

and said they were going to put an asshole customer fee or something,

and I was talking to him.

Hello?

Yeah.

All right, so I just paged him again.

I'm just waiting for him to come on to the front.

Okay, thank you.

Yep, I'll put you on hold.

Okay, buddy.

Thank you.

And so I was talking to him, and he's like,

oh, yeah, so he's going to put an asshole customer fee?

And I was like, oh, yeah, we're able to put those fees,

level them against the customer.

and he fucking believed it all the way and so like at the end we're gonna leave a voicemail

full of just fucked up uh fees oh hello mr turbo go ahead please oh hi mr oh hi this is uh robert

turbo from uh the corporate office um i'm just looking at the file here uh one of the trainers

here at the gym uh lodged a complaint about you um they said they observed you uh masturbating

and the showers they have the wrong guy no no it's uh john um i have the trainer on with me

if you'd like to speak to him absolutely hey how you doing mcclanahan yes my name is uh mr

mcclanahan how you doing uh i mean i can't i can't hear hold on hello hey can you hear me now

speak up a little bit it's hard to hear you yeah can you hear me now yep yep yeah okay uh isn't it

it true that i caught you uh uh last thursday in the showers uh you were vigorously masturbating

and then you asked me to join in i had to make the report i mean i gotta report stuff like that

no you are lying through your teeth or it was not me it might have been someone else sir

if i lie it's gonna cost me my job and you're not worth my job sir we actually have a camera

in the showers and uh it's definitely you we had several employees identify you by name

So you have a camera in the showers of your LA Fitness?

Yes.

I went and showed your picture around.

We were able to identify you through our facial recognition system.

They pulled up your account right online on the computer.

Unfortunately, you are full of crap.

Sir, sir.

I mean, you are 100% full of crap.

Okay, they don't have the cameras in there.

I do.

I like to keep a little library of my daily activities, and I was in the locker room.

You put cameras in the showers, so that means that I can press charges against you.

Well, if you think you could take me, let's have a bench press contest.

Mr. McClanahan is actually a limited liability corporation.

You cannot press charges against him for putting cameras in the showers.

It's all in the contract.

Yeah, it's illegal to have the cameras in the showers of the LA Fitness.

It's illegal, and I will press charges against you.

Why? Is it because you've got a small dick and I caught it on camera?

Everything you're claiming that Mr. McClanahan is making is false.

He is lying through his teeth.

Okay, now you're being abusive to our employees.

You need to leave the facility immediately, please.

Yeah, he's making false accusations against me.

He's making false accusations against me.

Get out of here.

Your membership is canceled.

I can't. I'm at the corporate office.

You're canceling my membership?

Yes.

Because you put cameras in the showers, which is illegal.

No, that was Mr. McClanahan, not us.

Regardless, that's illegal.

We gave him a warning about it, so that's been handled.

Your membership's canceled.

You're not getting your feedback.

Just get out of here.

This guy's got a small dick anyway.

He might be better off at curves.

You want to call them back or him back?

Let's call them.

The camera was for his protection.

I mean, he's got to understand.

I mean, we're just doing the best we can here.

Yeah, call his cell phone back.

and let me let me tell him that i uh i got his number off of the fucking membership file

hey uh hey brandon uh what was that guy's issue there this is uh dwight okay um uh i'm not sure

he was saying i mean from what i heard from the conversation that he said that you guys had

showers in our bathrooms and i don't i mean i wasn't on i wasn't on i wasn't on the call so i

don't know what was going on oh he's going crazy this is uh mr mcclanahan i'm actually uh uh

A fitness coordinator at one of the other L.A. fitness.

And I was speaking to this guy, and he's going crazy,

talking about you guys got cameras in your showers and stuff over at that location.

Say it again?

He's trying to tell us that you got cameras over there in your showers.

From the conversation I was hearing,

you were saying that there was cameras in the showers.

I know, sir.

We were just trying to ask him to stop masturbating in the shower area.

Okay.

I mean, that's all we were asking him to do because he's causing a slip hazard.

Because he's causing a what?

He's causing a slip hazard, putting that slippery stuff all over the floor.

Okay.

This isn't a steam house or anything.

I mean, come on.

Okay.

Is there anything that you need me to do?

Well, I need you to turn down the heat on the showers because the fog is messing with my camera lenses.

So there are cameras in the shower?

You didn't hear that from me.

It's for the membership's protection there, pal.

Keep it on the down low.

Is this the corporate office for LA Fitness?

Yes, sir.

Okay.

And what was your name again?

Would you like to speak to my supervisor?

I mean, I can put him on the line for you.

What was your name?

Yeah, my name's Dwight.

I heard a different name just a moment ago.

Yeah.

No, it's Dwight.

What was your actual name?

Yeah, Dwight.

What was your last name?

Jones.

Dwight Jones.

Yeah, I think this is the wrong number.

You just gave me a totally different name, sir.

No, I'm calling the LA Fitness.

I don't believe this is the wrong number.

This is the number I was trying to get a hold of.

Hang on just a second.

I'm going to put my supervisor through, pal.

I don't like the third degree here.

You're grilling me here.

Hi, this is Robert Trebois.

Never mind.

But he was calling back during that.

Let's connect him here.

Let me talk to him.

It was about the penis, right?

I'm going to tell him that I got an idea.

Tell him you're really interested in the penis reduction, not an argumentation.

Never call me again.

I'm sorry?

Don't ever call me again.

You called me?

I must have accidentally, I just got a call from you,

and I must have accidentally hit you again,

but I'm telling you to not call me.

What you just did with me here at the LA Fitness is bullshit.

I have no idea what you're talking about, sir.

What?

Well, someone from this number is.

We traced it with this number, so screw you.

Ew.

I guess they told him.

What came up with the caller ID?

It was the same number.

That's awesome.

Hi.

That's awesome.

Oh, well.

He's stuck with his little dick now.

But we can call him back with the number spoofed as the Planet Fitness.

Tell him you're KDK.

Let me call him back spoofed from the Planet Fitness.

Turbo, good talk, bro.

I like how they employ, so there are cameras in the showers?

You didn't hear that from me.

If it wasn't for the name mix-up, he actually probably would have thought you were fucking...

I didn't want to give him Dwight McClanahan, because if he Googles it, it'll pull up that Facebook page.

Yeah, you got to come up with a different name plan.

plan you need several names and rotations sir all right we'll uh should have pulled the ken

kniff on him yep oh there you go just a moment i'm getting this going here i was calling him

again if i say uh ken kniff if he googles that it would just be a bunch of eminem references

yeah yeah yeah you gotta do that then there's a good that's a good smoke screen unless they

know eminem then you're screwed but even still it's kind of obscure please enter your temporary

Where are we at this time?

You're calling L.A. Fitness.

This is Joe.

I called.

I did it wrong.

Whoops.

I transposed the numbers.

I called the one as the other.

Shit.

Man, am I stupid.

Back to the show.

You tranny posed it?

Yeah, tranny posed.

Hang on.

Yeah, we'll call Luis, too.

Yeah, there's his number.

So, all right, yeah, we got Luis.

I'll read you a little Twitter post.

He did a throwback Thursday tweet today.

Oh, God, really?

He's one of those?

Oh yeah, but he says

Hashtag throwback Thursday

To last night when two

At TWC reps, Time Warner Cable

From Palindrome

Or Palmdale called me

A wetback fresh off the boat

And went out of their way

To be racist

Second time

We weren't really racist

We were leveling a bunch of

Bullshit fees on him

Yeah, we just had IRC come up with like

Bullshit

just going on and on he's just he's embellishing he's embellishing he's trying to be cool

we leveled a small dick fee on him and a dog fucker temporary access code we went we went on

for like five or six minutes of fees and he stayed on the line like oh okay well and then we told him

we'd reverse everything if he took his tweets down this is the guy this is the gym guy turbo

hello hey how you doing there pal how come you're uh making false accusations against me and stuff

here i'm not making false accusations against anybody listen pal i'm back here in the office

and uh uh i'm pulling up your membership that's how i got your number and i want to know why

you're making these allegations i'm making what allegations you're making an allegations that uh

that i'm a sexual pervert uh they were passing that on to my boss you're gonna cost me my job

no i am not called and you passed on allegations that or someone that i was that way i have a

lawyer sir and i'm saying that i do as well they said you were telling them that i joined you in

the masturbation process and i absolutely did not do that no no no no no no someone

i'm not jerking you off i'm not jerking you off go away this is bullshit

he is all kinds of confused now that's awesome great now he's gonna call that number back or

something figure out yeah let me get dwight he's back in the office i knew it really all right

so louis is it right louis yeah you tell me you're from time warner cable he'll believe you

look when you think he's a gay i think he is right guys well you got this yeah there's a chance of it

the first person that called uh said that his english wasn't proper and like accused him of

being fresh off the boat and all this shit and that's what that all about it well that's what

was racist he lumped it all together okay but i think that was cracker that made that call oh

Oh, well, Cracker, of course.

She's just, whew, man.

Yeah, hello?

Sorry, I can't hear you.

Yes?

Hello?

Is that your voicemail or you?

I can't hear you.

Oh, okay.

Good.

Listen, my name is Cross.

I'm calling from Time Warner, Customer Solutions.

Did you have a bad experience with some of our agents?

Yes, I did.

Can you explain to me what happened, sir?

I'm just taking notes here.

We're going to be terminating those two employees, first of all,

but I need to take a report for their file because they're going to try to claim unemployment.

They're not going to get away with this.

I'm in a car right now, so if there's any way that I can...

Is there any way that I can get a few hours for the other people in the car, too?

Well, that might not work in a few hours.

You've got a few more minutes before I close the case, and they're going to keep their jobs.

Okay, well...

And the fees are going to stay.

Hold on one second.

Okay, all right.

I'll get my phone.

I know, yeah, they got about $330 worth of fees on here, on your account, and they're going to stay on, I guess.

they assessed about $330

worth of fees last night

on your account were you aware of that

okay yeah

you weren't aware of them

levying any fees against your account for

different things at all

no I had any other fees

your total bill due now is

$530.24

I just

my bill last night and that does not reflect all

I know well the problem is

like all these fees that they were putting on

on last night they didn't show up until this morning because they had to post to your account

okay well i warned you and it wasn't like that so was did you check in the afternoon because

it posts this morning and it becomes effective after business today's close of business today

it would have been 5 p.m okay well there you go um so were you going to make a payment on this

because we're probably going to have to terminate your service unless you can tell me exactly what

it is that's cool don't determine my service well can you just tell me what happened with

these two guys so i can fire them already and get this over with and give you your goddamn money

back hold on give me one second okay buddy i think i'm gonna keep this asshole fee on here

it's taking too long are you done now princess are you done now princess okay so can you tell

me exactly what happened last night so i can make a note here what am i actually yes what's your

name sir pete your name pete pete pete what pleat stratus and where are you calling me from from

Tennessee? Yes, I'm calling from

the National Resolution

Headquarters for Time Warner

Cable in Tennessee. Yes, sir.

Listen, you

got a whole bunch of fees on here that they

put on your account last night. I know that

you had a really bad interaction with

them, so I'm calling to get it resolved.

They're going to get fired. I have to figure out which of these

fees is right and which is wrong. Can you

tell me what happened last night so I can get this

taken care of? God damn it. I just

checked right now my account and my account

looks fine so I don't know what you're talking about

your account is frozen right now

I'm looking at my account right now

oh god keep arguing with me

and you're just going to get a bill

and you'll get your account shut off

I don't fucking care asshole

can you just tell me what they did

my

I didn't even have an issue

the only thing I needed was something

so the only thing that I learned about now

is that the way that you guys are treating customers

is ridiculous

so these fees are valid then you're saying

No, I don't know what fees you're talking about.

All right, let me connect them on.

They can explain the fees for you.

Mr. McClanahan, are you there?

Mr. McClanahan?

No.

Mr. Robert Trebois?

No, that's not.

Yes, I'm here.

I have no idea.

Okay.

Is this the guy who got me fired?

Hello?

Yeah, that nice little tweet you posted got me fired.

They just gave me my two-week notice.

They're going in and out.

They're going in and out so I can barely hear you.

Yeah, well, get a phone that's not a piece of shit.

you asshole he's got a point your phone's a piece of shit i'm putting that down against the customer

no it is it is a bit i i that i will agree with you okay all right so we can agree on that this

is ongoing arbitration of course all right you got that all right next next point what are the

fees then mr turbo uh see we gave him a fee for uh excessive bandwidth use because he was uh

looking at a lot of Pornhub.com

I think we put them down

for $300 for that alone

that's valid

let's see

we gave them a small penis

fee because we saw it through the

webcam

I think that was another $100

I don't know

you got those images circulating now on the corporate

account

I cc'd them to everyone

that's valid

I think we gave him a child abuse fee or no animal abuse fee animal abuse fee uh only $75

I think that's fair that's valid he was making some very disturbing uh google searches relating

to animals so okay in that case yeah I figured you know our company shouldn't be behind that

I don't know uh is Mr. McClanahan on the line yet he levied a bunch of fees too

Okay, keep going.

I think we'll cancel the rest of those, so that comes out to $375, $375.

Oh, and we gave them a fee for having excessive fees,

but I forget what that came out to.

It was in the three figures.

Yeah, well, yeah, sir, it costs money to maintain the fees in the account,

in the system.

To maintain those digits in the system, it costs money for that,

so we have to assess a fee on top of that to cover for that.

Okay, so all these fees are just fees that you're making up, or there are fees that get up to all their...

Well, it's up to the agent if, you know, we have about 328, I think, as of last week, as of the last union signing of fees that are available.

It's actually like a manual that they can go through and find the ones that are applicable to the calls.

And there's no limit on how many you can put on during the call.

so yeah these are all

they're rare fees we usually

don't use them but they are valid in the system

yeah

they're available if you go to

timewarner.net

slash fees you can

log in with your account number there

and you choose your

viewing area you choose your

you put in your zip code or your

city and state choose your viewing area

and in the my time

warner section then from there

it has a whole list of the fees

you can search them

it's a PDF that comes up

and it has all 300 something fees

it's all valid

so my findings here

my final ruling is that

the majority of the fees are still valid

we're going to negotiate here

for $428

down from the original amount

of $530.24

so did you need to make a plan

to pay that

extension at all or no but it is catching things as i'm driving so you can go through that one more

mr turbot what bandwidth fee hundred dollars where are we uh yeah the bandwidth fee for excessive uh

porn watching the fee for the small penis we had to see through the webcam uh the animal abuse fee

um i think mr mcclanahan just topped on he knows about some of the other ones yeah i got some of

of these wrote down this guy tried costing me my job uh so i added on a uh telephone call

incompetence fee of uh 69.99 uh along with the uh uh his mother's too much of a whore in general

that's a 500 fee how many how many people am i talking to right now because i i don't even

can't even no i'm on the line pal i spoke to you last night you're trying to cost me my job

so i'm just leveling these fees down here you forgot

just gave us our two for our interaction with you are

you still there, buddy?

Yeah, I'm still here.

Yeah.

You also got this fee, being a moron and just accepting bullshit fees fee.

That's a $800 fucking fee on your end.

Small testicle fee, $43.

Oh, yeah, you're not in our eco-friendly billing, our paper-free billing.

So that's $3.50 we have to charge, $3.50.

jesus christ we got 9-1-1 fee county fee local fee mobile fee united states fee north america

we forgot the uh fee for being a country fuck too that's a 250 fee northern oh and there's a

75 cent fee validation fee on every fee yeah northern hemisphere fee we have earth fee

Milky Way Galaxy fee.

Yeah, we're charging you a $25

fee for Hitler's birthday

on Sunday. That's going to the Hitler Fund.

Sol System

fee. I had to

re-explain the fees, so there's a fee

for that. That's $25.

Federation of Planets fee.

Is this guy aware that he's being charged

$2.59 for this call?

I'll just plug in and pay

whatever fees I have to pay.

It's going to be a big amount. I hope you got

got a good job there pal you have 32 minutes left yeah there'll be another fee it'll be a late fee

you have 32 minutes motherfucker you fucking and we also have a work custody program at time

warner cable uh if you're unwilling or unable to pay the fees uh you can just uh come work at one

of our facilities it'll probably just be a few days yeah we have a cot there for you and frozen

Frozen drinks and food.

Yeah, we were just bought out by Comcast, so Comcast wants their fucking money.

So 32 minutes, you cocksucker.

We got all the water you need and frozen juice concentrate.

You got it.

Thanks again for getting me fired, you son of a bitch.

Piece of shit.

Thank you for being a Time Warp customer.

I bet he voted for Obama.

Hey, have a great one.

We appreciate your business.

You got yourself fired.

Okay, bye.

Fuck you, pal.

Anyway, I got to go.

I'm getting real loopy.

I got to go.

is anyone else going to do a show

tonight

I might do one later

okay

it's going to be a little while if I do

was that you cracking up when I said his mother was

a whore in general

yeah I lost it

the in general part I lost it

I put my head down and started laughing at that

sorry

okay see you guys bye

see you Turbo

Milkman take us out of here big guy

Milkman

mad i'm not he's on mute he might have been jerking it he had his porno hub on the background

or what was it unmute me okay now i'm gonna get the goddamn milkman fee right there milkman fee

that's right you get a milkman fee that's right buddy 69 for sure man all right all right there

you have it all right friends another mad installment right here madhouse your favorite

at Rank Call Nation right here.

That's right.

I'd like to thank everybody for stopping in.

All our crazy friends over there in the mouth,

thank you so much.

Everybody doing a great job over there.

I'd like to thank Mr. Numbers Hitman.

That's right, our lonesome loser.

Fist held high for our brother.

Man, we do it that way, man.

Thank Mr. Enigma, Mr. MST3 Clay,

and all you.

Thank Mr. Nunu for not showing up.

We don't need any more homos in here.

And I'd like to thank, that's right,

everybody for stopping in.

We had some guest callers tonight.

night turbo kenner's good stuff man pretty funny shit thanks a lot for stopping in like that thank

also you that's right our listeners we do this every week the most interactive show you can find

right here on the internet we just drop the dime and ask you to give us your time bring your friend

bring your enemies man they're always welcome right here in the madhouse our fearless leader

the madhouse man puts it on every week what we do without you thank god man saving lives one call

All the time.

Over to you, big man.

Obey's Wonder at Night.

Yes, I mix Ambien with Viagra, and I run down my neighborhood naked with a huge boner flopping everywhere.

Oh, geez.

And I don't remember it.

I wake up in my bed at night, in the morning, like nothing happened.

That gives a whole new meaning to running through the woods there with a boner.

My wife's like, Carlos, you did it again.

You silly.

Here's your coffee.

And another day starts.

Your wife, I don't know how she puts up with you sometimes.

sometimes all right see you milkman i'll talk to you tomorrow okay i'll give you a call cat too i

don't know how she does it either all right peace all right bye love you everybody my beloved my

beloved all right yeah seriously thanks everyone including lonesome for sending in numbers i didn't

get to a lot of lonesome's numbers sorry buddy i missed some of those and everyone who sent a

request to frank's thank you we'll catch you next week i'll be on wednesday afternoon and thursday

night thank you to blue planet radio and everyone else is carrying us goodbye

Calls (29, 1 h 26 min of 2 h 5 min)

Transcript

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