I Have a Chode

Sir, sir, don't call us and speak to us like this.

How do you, okay, like what?

You don't say the F-U-C-K?

Don't cut me.

Well, how can I help you?

I want to get real up, you know?

I'm not playing no fucking games, man.

I, I, fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making us get to cutting.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

You're not perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

whatever hello hello everybody good day to you i am carlito the host of your show i'd like to

extend a thank you to you for listening and or watching i'm not sure exactly what we got planned

today as usual i just kind of wing it i'll look at our request to prank if you have anything you

want to send go ahead and do that that's available to you head on over to madhouselive.com and click

Click on the Request a Prank thingy there.

Fill out the form, and I'll do your prank.

I'll try it, at least.

Hopefully they answer, you know.

We've got some of our usual regulars here, too, that'll submit stuff, I'm sure.

And don't forget the fact that I also have the old Google Map thing here.

I'm looking at Idaho today.

I think that's what we will be calling.

Plan to go on for a few hours, two or three maybe, depends on how we do.

Okay, well, let me take a look at Request a Prank, see what we have there now to start out with.

before i start hitting up the map let me actually refresh it just in case an expander bike with a

cash reward in arizona apparently gentlemen searching for a bike that was lost that's

horrible healed that number and now we look at turtle john who sent in a request for us to call

critter glitter getter kit i'm sorry critter getter okay they're an animal trapping service

advertised on craigslist and they trap squirrels raccoons skunks opossums armadillos

koalas coyotes foxes bobcats and snake machines in texas motherfucker let's get her some critter

getters motherfucker i'm going to attempt to introduce the character of my cat thank you

i'm davi i need to get help getting some stuff out of my house okay what kind of humans ain't

home and there's a rat in here and i'm afraid of rats okay yeah what part of town are you in

I'm in Dallas.

In Dallas?

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm kind of out in the middle of nowhere right now by Decatur, and the phone signal's pretty bad.

Can I call you back in maybe about 30 minutes when I get back into town?

Yeah.

I'll get a better phone reception.

What do you do with the rat after he's dead?

Well, we call him off, but I mean...

I want you to leave the rat here, and I was going to put it by my litter box, so they think I caught the rat, and I'll be like a hero.

but i don't have any claws so i'm a cat my humans ain't home and i want to make it look like i caught

the rat yeah all right no really as a cat as a cat yeah as a talking cat okay as davi the cat

that's an orange tabby cat bye bye whatever that was my idea to talk like my cat davi

he's been hanging out with me all day i'm like death fox yeah dude i'm death fox that's what

what i'm gonna do i'll do a prank i'll do pranks as death fox now this will be the death box show

what was his name pat it was pat and fox yeah pat and fox all right folks he's gonna call

senior fancy pants his number he sent in a lost green card i should have done this when that all

went down i should have done a whole show saying i was pat and fox hi i was pat and fox he's so

so whiny sounding hi you have lost you have lost a green card did you lose a green card yes i think

i has your green card your car yeah i found your green card yeah it got mixed in with some of my

pokemon cards in there charmander's in there and then there's a green card yeah i have you have

to the driver's license sure yeah i has driver's license yeah i'm my name is pat and fox what's

your name just a moment i don't speak too much english then let me pass my my son can you put

maricon on i mean do you have maricon i i can follow you because maricon maricon do you know

maricon yeah yeah that it's my daddy my daddy oh yeah i has a green card yeah it's a magic card

it's a magic card it got mixed in with my pokemon cards yeah it's a magic gathering green card it's

It's got trample, 4-2 trample.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Yeah, I found the magic card, green card, yeah.

And the driver's license, I have one of them.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

It says on it, Pat and Fox, and it says alcoholic on there.

And drug user, yeah.

I use it to grind up my pills, and I line them up in rails, and I snort them with $20 bills.

Yeah.

I have a picture of that one.

I want to give you $100.

Oh, wow.

And $100 bill?

Yes.

Oh, I can do my drugs with it, motherfucker.

I'm going to do my drugs with it.

Drogas.

You know, cocaine, you know?

Perico.

Yeah.

I don't recommend you perico.

Me gusta perico.

Okay, I'm going to give you $100.

$100 perico from me.

You make anything you want with that $100.

And your hija also, yeah.

let me let me pass my my son so you can oh yeah we're going to pick it up the place in the hour

and then we fuck and then i see i'm gonna have your son for one hour your son okay i'm gonna

fuck him boy chinga tu hijo yeah yeah yeah i'm gonna chinga el hijo yeah yeah yeah that he's

your dad said that he's gonna give me your ass for the green card yes all right so are you a

a top or a bottom do whatever do you do ass to mouth so when do you want to pick it up when when

do you want to well why don't you come over to the hotel we'll come to the hotel you know and uh

do you have the card yeah i got the green card it's got mixed up with my pokemon card hang on

i'm gonna turn it into death fox again hello yeah if it got mixed up in my pokemon cards

it's a green magic card green card it says 4-2 trample on it right yeah my name is pant and

fox go ahead and give me the address uh one two three uh-huh sesame street okay

no no no sesame hello yes sir come on move on with this or i'm just gonna shred it okay

So where are you located?

I told you, 123 Sesame Street in Avondale.

In Avondale.

Yeah, it's in Horse Machine Ranches.

You know where that is?

No, not really.

Yeah.

Can you give me instructions?

It's new construction.

All new construction out here.

Horse Machine Ranches is what it's called.

It's 123 Sesame Street.

Do you understand?

Yes, sir.

All right.

Are you okay?

What's going on, honey?

No, no, I'm fine now.

Oh, so who's your sister?

How old is your sister?

Oh, nice.

Is she married?

Yes, sir.

Okay.

Happy?

Happily married?

Or what's going on with that?

Can you put her on?

I speak good Spanish.

I'm okay with Spanish.

I would rather have your sister than you, but I'll take your ass.

Your asshole would be nice and tight and warm.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Is that your father offered me to fuck you in the ass to get the green card?

I don't want the $100.

Do you understand that?

Are you with me, son?

Hello?

Come on, man.

Give me an exact address, because that's not an address that I can find on...

Well, where do you want to meet?

Where do you want to meet at?

We can meet right here at the food city, right here next to Dysart and Van Buren.

Okay.

The food city.

All right, meet me at the front desk, all right?

Okay.

Because I don't have cell phones, so what I'm going to do is, if I can't find you, I can call you from there, okay?

All right.

So, front desk inside, food city.

By where is it, damn it?

It's on Dysart and Van Buren.

van buren and dyserg i'm new in town i'm from new york city yeah okay sounds good all right how long

will you be how long will you have to be with me um i'll be there in about about five minutes yeah

but how long can you be with me is what i'm saying you said we said we're talking you know we're

gonna make fucking you know yeah whatever you okay so so how long do you have so i can plan

what we're gonna go and do do an hour you want to do an hour okay all right you are you nervous

or something or what's going on can you get do you know the address specifically is it on west

van buren i'm trying to find it on computer machine like 35th is that what you're talking

about no no dizer i used about a hundred and twenty-fifth avenue i can't find it man so it's

in avondale though right yes uh-huh well maybe that's why i can't find it dizer here i found it

yeah and i could be there like in three minutes all right i'm on my way all right hurry up all

right and from there i don't know where you want to go well meet me at the front desk motherfucker

all right all right buddy bye oh well hey what hey hey yeah oh shit i forgot to ask what his

name was so i could oh shit let me get his name then i'm gonna call that store damn it i don't

know what i'm gonna say fucking shit damn it anyway well i do have the number for the location

so i will uh why is map quest up fuck a map quest i'm gonna have to say that i'm coming

to meet a mexican guy i guess we'll call there in a little bit food city and it's got really

big under a check's cash and in spanish casa de cambio so basically it's a place for you to get

your uh check cashed and then spend all the money on groceries wow man it's a different world right

right out there as a migrant worker this is going out to all our migrant worker motherfucking fans

yeah i know we have all two of them all those families they got one one person who speaks

really good english you know usually a chick and he's the one that she's the one that's going to

go to college and she's going to break the mold yeah she's going to be a strong smart hispanic

woman american woman parents came from nothing took a risk came to america and had her here

now she's living the american dream and jeb bush is gonna give her amnesty oh yeah

motherfucker that's basically the script for the next republican national convention thank you

and in two years how long have we got two years two years until that shit again oh my god thank

Thank God I didn't watch TV the last time.

I didn't watch any local TV.

I didn't see any of those stupid ads.

And I did get a whole ton of it in the mail.

I don't check the mail but like once every two weeks, if that.

Like I got a package from Brad right here.

I got some buttons and shit.

I don't even know how long it was in the mailbox for.

It might have been in there for like two, three weeks for all I know.

I don't know.

My wife finally came up with a big reusable grocery bag of mail.

Yeah.

And be sure you're helping out with Patreon, you know, for Brad.

there might be a pcn one at some point here to help support pcn because times is tight okay let

me go back to request a prank is it do another one of those and then we'll call that food city

machine where am i here we are expanding senior fancy plan sends in a number for a lost bmx bike

okay fun desperately trying to find his race bike lost it around 9 30 wednesday night when it fell

Fell off my bike rack somewhere between Happy Valley.

He says his bike fell off his bike rack.

Fucking dumbass.

He lost his expensive ass BMX race bike.

It fell off his car.

Bike racks.

It'd be funny if he went under an overpass and he knocked it off.

Like fucking Chevy Chase in Vacation.

And I was trying to play it off.

Oh, yeah, I lost it.

I lost it.

Probably kept driving.

Didn't even notice.

Reminds me of a story of my youth.

Too bad I'm not going to tell you guys.

You have reached the voice mailbox of 6-2.

Shit.

All right, bouncing them back.

Let's see.

Come on.

Rolling that dice again, motherfucker.

Double or nothing.

It's the old gambler's folly, eh?

I've got low lighting here today.

Trying to turn this one on.

That's a little better.

You have reached the voice mailbox of...

Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.

Okay, nothing there.

Nothing there.

These are all from today.

Well, today's the 23rd.

They're all from last night or something.

I don't know.

or they're from the future apparently according to the thing here um there's a number for someone

named rick bill man wants me to call rick bill man is there anything to rick anything i should

know please tell me hey rick hey rick how you doing rick how you doing buddy fine oh that's

good that's good what are you wearing today what are you wearing today what am i wearing yeah i'm

masturbating and i'm looking at you through the phone and i wanted to call you just talk to you

while i'm looking at you who the fuck's this oh i'm hacker i'm telephone hacker yeah yeah it's me

listen i'm masturbating right now i wanted to see if you wanted to masturbate with me

bye bye come on it's zach i'm horny i'm zach i'm horny horny zach who the fuck is zach

bill man are you zach i'm sorry sorry if you're zach if it is you brought it on yourself but i

didn't say bill man now he thinks you were masturbating calling moving back to request

quest to prank uh bill man also sends in a number for a guy named miles who's usually not home

and apparently he has two boston terrier dogs bill man wants me to say that i bulldoze his house down

that's harsh bro the neighbors came and gave me his phone number so i'm calling him to tell him

the bad news got the address tell him i will put him on the hotel for a week uh i can just say his

dogs ran away i'm gonna tell him i was kicking i was throwing stuff and i threw a rock in his

when dogs ran away into it that's stupid but okay no answer there on that number okay listen

food city i almost forgot about that

get that ready here

hey is there a mexican boy there waiting for me i got his stuff i'm sorry is there a mexican boy

waiting for me there by the front desk who is this oh this is eddie i'm this is eddie i'm supposed

to meet a mexican boy to give him some papers that he lost that i found is anyone oh this kid

this kid this mexican boy kid i don't know his name is there anyone there who's waiting for

somebody at the front desk there are nobody waiting here i don't know but i mean it's a

store so i don't they can be waiting anywhere well can you make an announcement please you

You don't know who you're looking for.

Yeah, just say the Mexican boy to come.

No.

Just say, can the young man come who's waiting to get the green card and the driver's license back?

Come on.

I'm running late.

I need to tell him.

He's supposed to be there.

Do it.

Come on, motherfucker.

Do it.

Please do it.

I command you.

Please.

Come on.

What is your name?

Eddie.

Eddie what?

Eddie Cross.

Yes, I said do it.

Nope.

Bye.

Sorry.

Mother fucking asshole.

It's my fault for not asking for the stupid fucking name, right?

Shit.

Oh, the place called the Red Room.

Excuse me, I'm sorry.

There's a place called the Red Room here, but it's not going to even be open.

It looks like a bar, the Red Room.

It's a bar for Bloods, members of the Bloods going there.

There's Mr. Car Wash.

Let's see if they have a phone number.

They do.

They're not completely automated.

We're calling Metro Express Car Wash.

For hours and locations, press 1.

To connect to one of our car washes, press 2.

To make a change to your unlimited plan, press 3.

For pricing and services, press 5.

For our corporate office or any other questions, press the 4.

Why do they go up to 5 and then back to 4?

Fuck.

Asshole.

Press pound to skip greeting and leave a message.

You have reached the corporate office.

We are sorry no one is available to take your call right now.

Please hold while I try that extension.

One moment, please.

Damn it.

Thank you for calling Metro Express Car Wash.

For hours and locations, press 1.

I have a good idea for car wash, man.

Fuck.

Pound to skip greeting.

You have reached the...

He's so angry

But I got a whole list of other

Car wash machines in the area

Yeah

My idea involves

Missing wedding ring

And their vacuum cleaners

Maybe you can kind of tell where this is going

Isn't this the same fucking shit?

Press 3

For pricing and services

Press 5

For our corporate office

Or any other questions

Does this company own

Every single car wash

In this motherfucker

Alright here's

Here's like new

Car wash

Damn it

Thank you for calling

Mr. Chris Car Wash

Oh my god

This company is hopeless

Here's another one

They are all over the map

We ain't getting nowhere, hell

Here's a different one

It's never even possible to get a hold of a car wash

Like these ones that are just little

Do-it-yourself things

Hi, this is Brian James, Ultimate Hand Car Wash

And we're waiting

Please wait while we connect you.

While we connect you.

J's Ultimate Hand Car Wash Cheeto Center.

Fuck it.

There sure are a lot of car washes in this town.

One of them's got to answer right, guys.

Okay, you know what?

No more.

No more brilliant idea of car wash.

unless someone out there knows of a car wash that will answer pass it on to me why don't you

thank you all right now i've got kabe kato kabe kato what are they eating

cave and kato then i have a phone number so fuck them they're nothing to me

juice part of the new fit craze of juicing juice of water motherfuckers your call has

has been forwarded to an automated system.

Oh, my God.

Two, zero.

Oh, my God.

Okay, I guess we're not juicing either.

There's Sean Nixon counseling.

Wow.

It really is a shit show.

Let me see what I can find here that interests me.

As a matter of fact, I might have to take a break.

to be completely honest i might take a break actually bass is going to be joining us in a

little bit too that's good get some help you know what i do have to take a break

sorry deal with it missy's i'm gonna be able to pass it up all right i'll stop bringing it up

let me see what's going on all right let me play a prank call real quick i got to get up

handle something in the living room and i'll be right back let me see what we can play

bring that over here i want some jim stewart all right we'll play lights out jim stewart and ted

web from back in the days in the Brill Building. Here we go. I'll be right back.

We'll be as quick as I can be.

Electric, how are you?

Can I do something?

Any large kind of electrical objects that you're running at the moment? Are you running

any kind of generators or anything?

I'm afraid not.

You're not?

Nah.

Well, what have you got there that's creating such a huge power surge?

Nothing really, except for the refrigerators, that's all.

well okay well something is obviously making a difference could you do me a

favor are you anywhere near a light switch not really switch all switches

you mean the switchboard yeah that's right no not the switchboard just any

kind of switch for the lights anything that's taking power yes yes do you see

any kind of disturbance any flickering no all right if you turn the light can

you turn the light off all of them just one okay if you turn them all off and

and then turn them all on again hold on please hold on yeah hold on I'm just

explaining to one of my colleague okay yeah that's all right

you said power isn't it that's right okay yes yeah I'm just trying to turn

off the you want me to turn off all of them turn off all of them area all of

Yeah, just switch them on and off a few times just to see if you notice any kind of problem.

On and off a few times, yeah?

Yeah, please.

Okay, yes, we are turning on. Turn them off now, turning all of them on now.

Okay.

All of them is on now. Okay, turn it off again.

Yes, yes.

Turn it off, all of them, please. My colleagues is doing it, I'm just talking to you.

Yeah, I'm just, I'm seeing this on the system that there is actually a disturbance.

You can see them on the system now.

I can see a power surge on the system basically it's reporting that this whole

area is affected by your light switch we need to find out we need to find out

which individual light switch is doing this I need you to go through this so

you are saying one of our light disturbing all of the area lights yeah

that's right well not really the lights it's just the it's actually the power

flow going the whole current is actually being affected by this I need you to go

through the switches one by one so we can establish which light it is and then

basically that particular light needs to stay off and we'll send an engineer out

now to come and investigate and make sure that the fault is corrected that's

free of charge I'm just let me explain to one of our colleagues then I'll hold

on a second please that's fine yeah okay my my colleagues

when I start you okay hold on a second hold on you need to tell me exactly

which light it is and you need to tell me which one is the light for and then

we'll go from there okay number one okay hold on before I start yeah can you hear

me I'm doing the all the dining room lights now so number one switch is the

dining room lights yes we've got some lights in the kitchen as well are they

for the same switch they go from the same it's not the same switch it's a

different okay so number one switch is the dining room switch yeah all the

there is some sports lights as well so i'll start from one by one yeah okay hold on a second hold

on we get the dining room first yeah with the spotlight yeah the dining room the switch will

turn off the first switch now yeah that's the number one switch number one is is off now is

off again the power is not affected it's still the same okay turn it on again yes please yes

okay there's of the of second one yes number two switch yes it's off now which which is that for

which light is it it's a it's a spotlight on the bar spotlight on the bar hold on yes spotlight bar

yeah number two switch is off oh yes okay switch it back on switch switch the back on yeah back on

yeah turn the third one off yeah and that's the which one is the third one it's it's it's it's

the switches switches uh off is also a spotlight uh the third one also most of them are sports

Okay you need to tell me where the lights are going so I know which area is going to be affected.

All dining rooms sir.

All dining rooms.

I hope this isn't affecting any of your guests.

It's definitely affecting our business a little bit.

You will compensate us.

We'll talk about this problem first.

Turn off this fourth one which is also in the dining room.

room yeah turning yeah yeah okay yeah turn it on again yes please yeah okay

okay or turn switch off the fifth one off number fifth also if it is in the

dining room yeah is it in dining room yeah it is dining room yeah so turn on

the fifth one back oh that's interesting can you tell us the fifth one off again

please fifth one off again yeah yeah keep the fifth one off let's go

through the rest of them okay keep uh keep the fifth one off and do the uh number six off six

it's a bathroom light yeah that light can stay on yeah that might stay on you stay on yeah oh

actually sorry yeah could you turn off could you turn off number one number five number three and

number six so could you turn off number one one and two yeah number one no no number one number

number three number one number one and three oh yeah and five and six all off number number one

three and five okay i turn off the number uh number one three and six and three five and six

one three five six six yeah one one three five six all off off yes and keep them keep them off

because that's actually that's that's showing up here that is a positive thing could you do number

Number 7 switch?

Turn on the switch number 7, yes?

Yeah.

Yeah?

No, that's fine.

You can keep that one on.

Put this one on.

And off the number 8.

That's right, number 8 switch.

X switch is a neon sign outside.

Ah, yes, yeah.

Keep that one off.

Yeah, keep that one on.

Yeah, yeah.

And the another one is also the sign.

Yay, I'm back.

Thank you.

Okay.

Okay, no longer on break.

Back on the show here.

I am Carlitos, Dr. Carlitos.

I'm going to pick another city because for some reason, Boise, Idaho is a piece of shit.

Zoom back out.

There's nothing around here except for Oregon.

You can call Oregon, all right.

Let's call Eugene, Oregon.

So let's answer Baz first.

Baz.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, Ben.

Can you hear me?

Am I coming in okay?

Yes.

Thank you.

Awesome.

Is the music too loud, sir?

No, it's actually very good.

Very nice.

Very nice music.

Thank you.

You're a very nice sound.

All right.

So I had a lot of bad luck here getting numbers to answer, but I move on.

And I continue with the Campus Inn.

We are a hotel machine, or an inn machine, I guess you could say, near the University of Oregon.

Oregon.

It's my neighbor.

Yes, sir.

Sweet, did Dan help you?

Yeah, what took so long?

What took so long for you to...

I'm sorry, I hit my music on accident.

I'm sorry.

What took so long to answer?

Nothing, it only rang three times.

It took more than that.

I counted a good eight rings.

I counted nine.

I'm sorry, I had three times here.

That's very rude.

I think you're lying.

I was like, all right, whatever, he clicked.

Then he clicked.

That was more than three rings.

Three rings, my ass.

That's about eight or nine.

Thank you for calling Camp Sina Sweet.

Did Dan help you?

How many rings was that?

It was about four.

Mm-hmm.

I see.

My name is Harry.

How are you?

Okay.

How can I help you?

Good.

Well, I lost some stuff over there, you know?

I lost my phone bridge over there.

Okay.

What's a phone bridge?

It's like a machine that you use with the phone.

You connect it to the phone and two phones together at the same time, and then you can

get more components on it, and every one that you connect to it is another phone that can

connect to it.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Can you go ahead and look for that, then?

What did stay?

stay oh on the 20th when was that monday sunday sunday yeah all right just just a moment all right

damn it complimentary hot breakfast at the international house of pancakes see you i guess

at the campus inn and suites love to stay here in our large and cozy rooms i can't do my loud

damn it today because my kids are on spring break they're asleep i'll wake them up before anything

like that being oh no nope no are you sure i'm very positive can you ask joe there is no joe

here oh i have this in hotel shut up i have him on the phone joe yeah this is joe you know if you

can't be nice to me i'm not going to talk to you i already told you that there is nothing like that

found and i've been out and lost and found myself today there's nothing like that oh yeah did you

already go through all the nice stuff and keep it motherfucker that guy doesn't take any shit

no i already went through that yeah he goes through lots of fun every day like oh this is nice this is

This is a nice blouse.

Yeah.

That's what he says.

This is a nice blouse.

Yeah.

Blouse.

Sounds kind of fruity.

That's a nice lip color.

Yeah.

I'll be right back in one minute.

Coffee.

Coffee's ready?

Coffee.

I just woke up.

I'm calling Camp Santa's Suites.

Does Dan help you?

Oh, you're like, ooh, that's a nice lip color I found here in the Lost and Found.

Oh, yeah.

This is a nice blouse.

Oh, I wanted him to hear me saying that.

Yeah.

Nice lipstick color.

He tries it on and everything.

He's like, ooh, yeah.

I'll keep that one.

I'll keep it.

probably has herpes from sharing lipstick can you get herpes from sharing lipstick i'm sure you can

mouthful herpes mouthful herpes all right let's call back uh food city see if they figured out

the mexican boy who was there supposed to be for me and then we can also call back that motherfucker

yeah did that mexican boy show up at all this is eddie i don't know it's a young mexican boy

The boy that's supposed to be there, I'm supposed to give him his sister's green card and driver's license that they lost.

And they were going to meet me at the front desk here at Food City.

But I don't know the name.

Oh, you know what?

I have no idea.

Does he work here?

No, he just lives close.

He said he was coming.

He comes in all the time, he said, that he goes back there and that he takes...

You have his green card and his...

His sister's green card and...

You have his sister's green card?

Yeah.

Okay, you know what?

And I have his cocaine and everything.

you have his cocaine yeah the bag of cocaine how about the cash i'll take the cash no i'm not

no and then i have his straw i don't have any cash oh but you have his cocaine yeah man you can

really man oh wow let me see man you're real intimidating what are you doing looking at the

phone a caller id oh shit motherfucker hello hi how are you honey damn it i'm good i need your

name so i can let him know you're on the phone eddie eddie what eddie cross cross yeah cross

i used to be eddie cruz i didn't i wasn't fond of a last name like that so i changed it to cross

oh okay okay um is there a phone number that i if i find them i can have because i wanted to get

ahead in life so i i got rid of you know eddie i had it officially changed from eduardo cruz to

eddie cross it's helped me it's helped me out greatly not having that ball and chain that

stigma attached to me right well can i get your number and i'll go around asking people that i

see if i can get your number i can't call you 623-925-1515 okay but that's my number

that's what you said no i want your number oh 925-1725 okay that's my other number i have two

lines oh wow okay that's amazing well you can reach me i don't really have a phone number i

I can come in and pick up the call.

If I'm around at the front desk, I'll answer the phone if I'm there.

Okay.

That's what I'll do.

If you need to call me, try me that number, and then I'll answer it.

If I'm around, I'll answer it, and you can ask for me.

I will do that.

Okay.

All right.

Thank you.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Bye.

All right.

I guess he didn't show up.

Are you talking to me on a cellular phone?

I don't know you.

Who is this?

Don't come here.

I'm hanging up the phone.

Prank caller.

Are you?

What's that from again?

What movie?

That's from Pulp Fiction.

Yeah, I was watching it the other day

And I just captured that

I heard you talking about it on someone else's show

Yeah

I've only saw Pulp Fiction all the way through once

It was okay

I wasn't that into it like everyone else

It's not Tarantino's best movie

I'm over Tarantino

I think I talked about this before

He's okay, I'm just over the gimmick

And ever since I read the story about him having a chode dick

And jerking off on that one girl's feet

I can't ever not think about that

Oh, I hadn't heard that one.

Yeah.

I'll have to look that up.

Yeah, the girl blasted him after he was real creepy with her

and after he invited her back to his place.

Apparently he likes foot pussy, if you know what I'm saying.

Yeah, you can make that.

And his dick is wider than it is longer, apparently.

Wider than it is long.

Ugh.

Hey.

Well, if you look at him, you kind of see.

Fine, Cafe Lucky Noodle, this is Kamala.

How can I help you?

I have a chode.

I'm sorry?

I have a chode.

You have a chode?

Uh-huh.

Yep.

I guess she knows what that means.

Call her back.

That coffee sip was perfect.

Excuse me, I take a sip of my coffee first.

Thank you for calling Cafe Lucky Noodle.

This is Ashley.

How may I help you?

Hey, Big Ashley.

How are you doing this morning?

Doing good, thanks.

Yeah, hey, this is David Snozz.

Well, I think there might have been some confusion.

My associate, Eddie Cross, just called,

and he said that he choked when he was there.

What did he think he said?

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't answer the phone.

Okay, well, who was the rude woman that answered the phone and then just hung up?

Because he said he came over and he had a choke, meaning he choked a little bit on some of the food,

and she just hung up the phone.

She didn't understand him, and we have a phone that cuts out a little bit.

When you don't understand, isn't it customary for you to seek clarification and not just hang up on the customer?

Yeah, if you would listen for one moment.

We actually have trouble with our phone that's on one side of the restaurant.

So that phone ends up cutting out.

So that's why we answered from this phone.

Okay.

Well, can you put her back on because we have a serious issue that we need to resolve here.

Can you put that person back on the line so that she can apologize to my associate?

He's quite irate at the moment.

As well as let you know that right now I'm the supervisor on duty.

So I'm happy to get your information down.

Yeah.

Well, first of all, put the rude woman on the phone.

Okay.

So are you the manager?

Are you wearing the manager?

I'm not a manager.

I'm the supervisor on duty at this time.

Oh, okay.

That's good.

And like I said, one of our phones cuts out, so it wasn't her fault.

What?

And there's no W-O in the word manager.

It's manager, not woman-ad manager or whatever.

However the hell you said it.

I just woke up.

I'm drinking my coffee right now.

Womanager.

Okay.

Because women just tend to mess things up when they're the manager, and then things like this happen.

Okay, I'm sorry, but we are not...

I think you are the manager.

I'm not the manager, and I also don't appreciate...

You're trying to cover for yourself.

You know, you're being very rude on the phone, smart with the mouth.

I am not, but I'm going to call my manager because I am not equipped to put up with harassment.

Shame on you.

So I'd love to take your information, or else if you would like to continue to harass me and my coworkers, then we are interested.

interested. I'm sorry, but I don't appreciate sexism in the workplace, and I'm not going

to communicate with someone that doesn't want to work with me.

Mm-hmm. Sure. Mm-hmm. Okay. Take down the information. Pronto.

Okay, please. Let me have your phone number.

Yes, it's area code 541.

Okay, and what's your name?

My name is David. First name David, last name Snozzwell.

Okay.

Do you want me to spell it the clean way or the dirty way?

It doesn't matter as long as I can.

I'm not sure how much time we have left, so I'll do it the clean way.

S-N-O-S-W-E-L-L.

Usually I spell it the dirty way.

S as in shit, W as in wanker, O as in orgasm, S as in semen, stuff like that.

Yeah, that's creative.

Yeah, it's great.

Okay, well, I'll be sure that...

I appreciate it if you don't take that tone with me, missy.

Have a great day.

Fuck you.

Oh, snap.

All right.

She never put her on again, bitch.

No.

Damn her.

Winning it.

Winning for it.

There we go.

We're calling Cafe Lucky Noodle.

This is Kamala.

How can I help you?

Hey, Kamala.

How are you?

Good.

How are you?

Good.

Yeah.

Well, my associate, Baz, was just calling in.

Dr. Snoswell.

Did you talk to him?

I did not.

I don't think so.

Okay.

I'd like to make an order then, please.

Okay.

I'm going to put you on hold for one moment and have someone else take care of you.

Why?

I'm just dealing with some people in the lobby.

Why?

Fuck.

She just go on and do it.

I mean, come on.

It's Headstrong Lemon

Damn

Guess we'll wait

What city are you calling, by the way?

What am I calling now?

Eugene, Oregon

Okay, Eugene

That's where Oregon State University is

Yeah, yeah, we're calling right around the way

Or is that University of Oregon?

I forget, one of them

One of the Oregons

Good football town

We're right up the street from University of Oregon

Thank you for holding. This is Ashley.

It took a long time again.

I want to make an order.

What can we get for you?

One man-made pasta.

I'm sorry, what?

One man-made pasta, boiled, one hot sauce.

What is it called?

One meat.

I'm sorry, maybe, I don't know if we have that on the menu.

What are you asking for? What kind of pasta?

Man-made pasta.

Man-made?

Yeah.

Sorry, that's not on the menu.

I would love to help you if you'd like to order something.

Where is your pasta from, then?

Well, that's just, I'm sorry, I don't have time to,

so if you'd like to tell me what you want to order, I'm happy to take it.

Otherwise, I need to get back to my paying customers.

One pasta, man-made.

Thank you, have a great day.

No, no, come on, come on.

I think their pasta's from the machine.

I guess.

One man-made pasta.

Machine-made pasta.

Oh, look, there's a Martin Luther King Boulevard

that intersects with a Chevy Chase line.

That's kind of funny.

Wow.

What's up with that?

Nice.

There's nothing really around there to call.

There's an MDPC.

Let's give them a call then.

All right.

I'm starting to talk like a Pennsylvanian.

I say then all the time.

Oh, it's disgusting.

Oh, I hate it.

I catch myself doing it.

I want to throw up.

Diane Baird in Sherbrooke's office.

I need to speak to Diane.

To who?

I need to speak to Dr. Baird.

Oh, okay.

Did you, um, were you a patient of hers?

I'm Dr. Cross.

It's an urgent matter regarding one of her patient machines.

Could you hold, um, one moment?

You said your name is Dr. Cross?

Yes.

Just one moment, please.

Thank you.

Good call, Baz.

Good call.

Thank you.

Is that too loud or is that just right?

No, you're good.

A little too loud.

Okay.

Dr. Diane Baird in Sheryl Burgos' office.

May we get disconnected?

This is Dr. Cross.

Absolutely.

Just one moment.

Were you sorry?

Oh, yes.

Just one moment.

All right.

I will go get Dr. Baird, okay?

Thank you.

I don't think she's really sorry.

I had to ask her.

She's like, oh, yeah, yeah.

She goes, oh, yes.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry.

Hee, hee, hee.

Hee, hee.

Dr.

Bard.

B-A-I-R-D Bard.

Dr. Baird.

Wow.

What kind of doctor is a PC?

Well, let me look that up.

Oh, yeah.

She's a ginger lady.

Look at her.

Yeah.

I'm looking at her website.

Hello.

This is Diane Baird.

Hello, Dr. Baird.

How are you, sweetie honey?

Who is this?

This is Dr. Cross.

How are you doing?

and I'm calling from Cross and Associates.

What are you calling me about?

One of your patients, we're doing a cosmetic surgery right now on them

and there's a big problem.

We need to get some goddamn information on it.

What?

I have one of your patients.

I'm performing cosmetic surgery on it.

What are you doing?

I'm in the facility room right now.

What procedure are you doing?

We're removing the Adam's apple

and we're shortening we're shortening and thinning the fingers out we're removing the penis

turning it into we're doing a labiaplasty also so you're doing a sex reassignment surgery yeah

yeah we're about halfway through i'm getting ready to start the labiaplasty now does patient

have any issues dermatologically that i need to know about because it really is funky down here

hello i do not believe that you are a physician i have a license and everything from cuba

Do you really now?

Yeah, I was practicing in Cuba.

Then I stayed in Argentina.

I stayed there.

There was a doctor exchange, and I fled.

I stayed there instead, and I made my way up here through the asylum program.

What is the patient's name that you're working on?

Cheryl Brugar.

I'm really not supposed to get into too many specifics because of that HIPAA shit.

I don't really think you're a physician.

Oh, God.

i seriously had when i had that heart thing last october remember the whole fluid thing

um yeah one of the doctors that came in he was like straight up like he was cuban he cuban and

he flipped through uh venice where was hugo chavez from venezuela he was from or argentina

venezuela right yeah that's where i think so argentina's were the the one chick the pretty

girl is from mrs princess is the president over there kershner those two the kershner family

but anyway yeah he told me he came in he was he said it like scarface i'm like what the fuck is

scarface he was wearing a white doctor's robe and everything like i would fucking tony montana

get in here and he's like yeah you know he saw my name goes oh where are you from you from cuba

i'm like no i'm from florida my parents are puerto rican but i know a lot of cubans i live kind of

in miami spent a lot of time there he's like oh okay he told me his story how he fled he was a

doctor exchange and he was like pretty much like screw this i'm staying here i ain't going nowhere

and he applied for asylum at the u.s embassy and they just brought him right over nice now he's a

freaking heart surgeon in pennsylvania probably making way more money than he was down in oh yeah

yeah yeah and i was like well aren't you like you know he's like pretty much all the doctors here

aspire to do that a lot of them do some of them are hardcore you know from the old guard communists

they don't want to but yeah the younger ones and shit like him are like fuck that man man i get a

chance i'm getting the fuck out i'm taking my free doctor education to get the fuck out of cuba

and i was like aren't you afraid like they'll do something to your family it's like no that's

bullshit that doesn't really happen it's just like your family suffers like my mom you know

some families would suffer because they don't want their kid to be gone you know so they don't

do it but there's nothing where like the communist party that doesn't happen anymore he said they're

not really afraid of that now they could always change and then but back there you never know

with a place like that but yeah yeah cool doctor i only saw him once he only came in once to check

on probably made 200 dollars to look at me and have this conversation it's a conversation with

me and he left again and yeah he well he checked my breathing too that was really helpful my wife's

a Guatemalan cardiologist

last year. He was a cool dude.

Yeah. Yeah, when she was

had her pneumonia, she was in the hospital and they

had some

issues where her heart actually stopped

like in the night time, three or four

times. Oh, shit. So they thought

she had like some kind of

they called it atrial ventricular

block. Wow. And so you might

need a pacemaker for that. Uh-huh.

So one of the ventricles in the heart was

blocked, like an artery was blocked

basically in the heart. Pretty scary.

It's not even an artery.

It's an actual chamber.

It was the node that fires the electrical impulse, kind of gets stuck.

Oh.

But they said that it was actually due to her pneumonia.

So the cardiologist had her wear the heart monitor for a month.

And just around the house, everywhere she went, and everything was cool.

Yeah, dude, that's what happened to me.

I mean, I got bronchitis, ended up with pneumonia.

pneumonia and um i ended up i had like a massive fluid build up in my lungs and it crept into my

heart from there that's what happened to me back in october yeah but then my heart was under what

they drained i remember telling you guys they drained a liter of fluid from just my heart

cavity not including what they drained from the chest and shit yeah so they my heart was under

so much pressure like it went out of rhythm but it kicked back in i went on a diet i went on the

a paleo diet um after that happened and i started walking at least every afternoon and i ended up

fixing it i didn't have to have any more surgery that's cool yeah it was cool the doctor's all

excited he's like he's like yeah i told you you know because you know when that happens to a young

patient it just happens to get pneumonia like that they usually if they take care of themselves they

can kick it anyway and i lost i found that i lost five pounds today in a week using that new diabetes

shot that curbs my appetite it's controlled yeah yeah i went to get blood work done this morning

and i asked her to weigh me to compare myself from when i was there last wednesday i was five

pounds lighter so it's working yeah dude i hardly eat right now that's a pretty good weight loss for

one week yeah five pounds if i do that every week you know yeah if i can maintain that for a while

i wish i could i would actually do cardio work now i would walk or run you know the treadmill

but I can't with this ankle.

I'm not allowed to.

Why am I calling a pizza place?

I don't like calling a pizza place.

You got an idea for them?

Because I can just hang up.

Oh, no.

Coffee's still kicking in.

Still sleepy.

Sex reassignment.

That was a good one.

I like that.

Labioplasty.

Are you doing a sex reassignment surgery?

I think it's technically called gender reassignment.

Yeah.

So she was wrong.

Not in Oregon.

It's not traditional.

In Oregon, they call it what it is.

Faggot.

Yeah.

She goes, your patient's a faggot.

So I was getting ready to start the labiaplasty, and it smelled really bad.

So I called a dermatologist to see if there was anything wrong with the patient.

And the person I said it was is her assistant.

That's listed on the website.

That's why she called me.

Can you call anything but people?

No.

No, we can't.

No.

You can't hold for a minute?

No.

Why do you need us to hold?

Because I have a patient that I'm working with right now.

Oh, what are they doing?

Oh, actually, somebody's here to help me.

What can I do for you?

Oh, okay, no, we'll hold.

Go ahead.

No, somebody's here to help me.

No, it's okay.

It's okay.

Look, I don't need your charity.

Go ahead and help them out.

I'll be right here.

Nope, somebody's here.

What can I help you with?

All right, I'll call you back.

I'll hug up on her.

I'll call her back.

It's just a waste of fucking time.

Girl, call back right now.

I'll ask if she's done.

oh she hung up damn she's not she's not pleased i had an idea for that rainbow optics this is

melissa how can i help you yeah are you guys done with that customer yet how can i help you sir can

you help me you have time good all right rainbow optics great yeah i wanted to get some sunglasses

and i wanted to make me real fucked up you know looking what's that i wanted to make them real

fucked up looking ones you know sir how can i help you well i i wanted to bring in my prescription

do you have to follow the prescription to the letter yes we have to follow the prescription

that's written down yeah well can we change it a little bit no we can't can you guys just go over

a little bit because like i like to do my left eye like two units stronger no we cannot adjust it

i do the left eye two units stronger in the right eye two units less strong and i walk around it's

like i'm drunk i'm like i'm fucked up man sir yeah it gets i walk around like i'm fucked up drunk

I'm drunk.

I'm fucked up drunk.

I'm walking.

I start driving.

I'm like, what?

Sir.

Hey.

Sir.

Don't call us and speak to us like this.

How do you?

Okay.

Like what?

You don't say the F-U-C-K?

Don't cuss at me.

Well, how can I help you?

I want to get real up, you know?

Nice.

Rainbow Olympics.

This is Louise.

You mother.

You there?

You got me now?

What can we help you with, sir?

Yeah.

I needed some sunglasses.

I'm calling it for prices, and I need to get it done differently than what says on

the prescription.

Well, then, if you want it differently than on the prescription, you'd need to get that from your doctor.

Well, I can just change it myself.

What is your name?

This is Eddie.

Eddie who?

Eddie mother cross.

You know, I would advise you not to call us anymore, please.

No.

Fuck you.

Hey, fuck you.

They said don't call there talking like that, so I'm bleeping myself from my train whistle.

I think she said call back one more time.

Oh, did she?

Didn't she?

She was someone else.

That was a mob row.

Mavro.

Here, I'll talk to her.

Mavro.

Oh, come on, man.

Hang on, I can spoof numbers.

That's fine.

Rainbow Optics?

Yes, hello.

My name's David Snozz.

Well, I'm calling to see about getting a pair of glasses.

Okay.

Yes, I would like spectacles, please, ma'am.

Do we have your prescription on file?

No, I have it in my hand.

Okay.

And I can drop it off.

I beg your pardon?

I can drop it off.

Yeah, if you, um, what kind of glasses are you wanting made?

Well, actually, I would like a monocle.

I know my doctor gave me the prescription for glasses,

so I assume it would have a specific prescription for each eye.

But when I was there at the optometrist today, the doctor, he kind of smelled of alcohol.

I think he'd been drinking some whiskey in the back room.

And he told me that I needed, you know, a different prescription for each eye.

Does that happen sometimes?

times um you know everyone's prescription is different but it is quite possible okay but i

can see i can i feel like i can see fine with my left eye but my right eye things are a little bit

blurry so i was wondering can you make a monocle if we just ignore the prescription for the left

eye because i think he was a little bit of glasses to the doctor's prescription no i just want an

adjustment to the right eye only he says that i need both eyes but i think he was drunk at the

the time because the speech was slurring a little bit i saw dr cross is that a look is that someone

here in eugene uh no actually he was in uh he's like on the outskirts of eugene i just moved here

so i don't know all the suburbs i'm attending the university of oregon i'm on the football team

oh okay yeah i'm uh i'm the new quarterback i'm the third i'm the third string quarterback

back? Have you heard of me? David Snozwell?

Is this just a prank call?

No, ma'am.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Well, the reason I'm asking that is because

I've just had a series of prank calls and this

doesn't seem to be

true to me right now.

Oh my God.

But I'm going to, if I want to be

scoring all those touchdowns, I'm going to need to have that

right eye adjustment.

If I'm going to score a lot of

touchdowns for the team,

I'm going to need to be able to see well from my right eye

So I need the monocle made

That'd be a bit hard to play with football

Holding a monocle in your hand don't you think

Well we'll put some straps on it

Oh yeah okay

Why don't you not call us back again

And then I'm going to

I want to see a football player with a monocle

That's awesome

Down the stance

Holding the monocle

I say so

That's how I imagine football started

Shit like that

Hey old boy

You will run the football and I will try to tackle you

They had the chain watch on a chain

And all that shit

That's how they kept time

I'll be right back

I just need to get a coffee in the thermos

I'll be right here

That was Big Baz doing a prank call

And we enjoyed that

Rainbow Optics

Here's the Lutheran Church

Yeah hey God bless you

Thank you.

You too.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, I feel it right now.

I'm feeling it.

God bless you.

God bless the church.

Thank you.

God bless the city of Eugene.

A little bit is cut off.

God bless the little bit that got cut off.

God bless.

I'm talking to someone.

Multitasking.

God bless the banks.

God bless everyone's paycheck.

God bless Randy Pave Beltline.

God bless all of the people who are staying in rehabilitation centers right now.

How can I help you?

God bless all the scuba divers visiting town for the convention this week.

Okay.

Hi.

Yeah, I wanted to have a bachelor party.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Okay.

And you're looking for a space?

Spaces.

Multiple spaces.

Yeah.

Right.

You know what?

Yeah, we don't actually rent the church out for that.

We need a fucking room.

A what?

I'm sorry?

A fucking room.

Yeah.

You have a good day, okay?

I'm going to hang up now.

For making you fuck.

Yeah.

I love you.

she was too occupied half of that time to realize i'm stupid yeah are you tired to see if she picks

up so what is this lutheran church where they don't have a fucking room you're trying to reserve

a room good morning our saviors yes hello i think we were uh there was some kind of a confusion my

associate just called and uh you seem to have been offended by him or something i wasn't unless i

I misheard him.

How can I help you?

Can you explain exactly what he said?

You know, can you tell me who you are and what organization you're affiliated with?

Oh, I'm David Snoswell.

We're calling from The Machine.

The Machine?

Yes.

I'm just not familiar with that organization.

What is it that you're calling the church for?

I'm not quite sure.

I just heard, I caught the tail end of the conversation.

I just saw him and he looked a little bit flustered

and he said that you were angry and you hung up

so I'm just trying to get to the bottom of this

well I thought he said a nasty word to me

what word did he say?

I kind of not want to say it

I need this for my report though

I'm typing up papers right now

I'm sorry what is the machine?

Oh, we're an organization that creates devices and utilities.

Well, I thought he was calling for space to rent, is what he told me.

That might be a need storage for the machine.

Okay, well, he referred to a bachelor party.

The machine keeps growing.

Oh, that's good.

We don't rent space except for organizations that have a ministry, like AA, for example, is some kind of a ministry.

The Tiny Tots, which is a preschool organization, it's not really a school, but it's a parent co-op.

We definitely want to keep the machine away from the preschool because it can be quite dangerous.

There's a lot of moving parts and a lot of holes in the machine, and the children might get injured.

So if there's a space on the other side of the property that we could rent, that would be great.

Yeah, we don't actually rent space for profit, only not for profit.

Oh, no, we're not for profit.

Okay, well, you have to have a ministry of some kind.

It's the machine ministry, the ministry of the machines.

Okay. I'm sorry. I can have you talk to the pastor if you want to further.

I'm sure you probably don't meet the criteria that we're looking for.

But would you care to talk to the pastor?

Yeah, could he put him on? I'll let my associate talk to him.

I think he'll mind his language.

You know, he has Tourette's syndrome, so sometimes I've asked for him to talk to him.

You know, I can't have you talk to the pastor, but I don't want to waste your time or his.

I can tell you right now, he will probably not find what you do suitable to our church.

He would not yell at you.

Tossy motherfucker.

See, that's the turret.

Yes, I'll be happy to put the pastor on the phone if you want to talk to him.

Okay, I'll let my turret's associate talk to the pastor.

Although he might say some bad words, but it's not his fault.

Damn it, the battery from my mouse died.

I know, I hate that shit.

I have some batteries in my desk here

But they all

I must have not thrown them away

They must be dead too

Piss me off

Damn Sam's Club batteries

I'm going to hang up a call back

For more satisfaction

I don't think the pastor wants to talk to people

That say bad words

Jesus fucking lord

Yeah alright nothing there

I'll be right back

I got to go get some batteries

Downstairs

Damn it

Yeah that's me

me all righty we got here shelter care yeah shelter care no answer from shelter care american

veteran security what is that trying to leave a message in which are your calls copper power

system machines all right i'm back yay i'm gonna do this one take a break and come back and do

another hour this is what happens when you do a show at this is what happens when you do a show

like two hours earlier than the last couple weeks uh well i got pt today that's cool so i can't stay

too long and i got some aryans to run this number's not ringing try it again we're not getting any

rings here so i'm just gonna go ahead and take that break i've been talking about i gotta urinate

i gotta check on my marination that's going on in the kitchen what are you marinating uh just

some chicken breasts you know the non-altered kinds not the kind that they inject all that

that sodium and shit in i get the kind of if i have that they don't put any salt water in there

to make more money off of it anyway from the fridge machine yep but when we come back we're

going to be calling more of oregon we'll be looking at request to frank again baz is with

us here presume you can save for another hour and yeah good good good good good and uh more

i guess don't go anywhere please thank you madhouse radio

all right children i am carlito back from break here with big baby bass what's up bass hey hey

all right don't do it i'm drinking some black coffee eagle coffee yeah white people coffee

no well i like mine black no cream no sugar okay white people make some watery coffee man

okay look oh man my coffee's strong oh you're right you're filipinas got you on the good shit

yeah good strong filipino coffee put some pag pag in it there you go yeah breakfast oh you know

it's funny we were at we were at uh you know my my mother-in-law's house with a whole bunch of

her relatives and they've heard of the phenomena of deep frying food from the garbage can and

selling it but they didn't call it pag pag they didn't know what that word was you see when i

asked andy to ask his new girlfriend fiancee person and she said the same thing she what she

She said it wasn't remotely near what it meant.

Huh, yeah.

I don't know.

And she also didn't know what peck peck was.

I don't know.

I guess it's like India where there's all those dialogues

and we still have them straightened out, you know?

There's got to be some common curses among those people that they all know.

Damn it.

All right.

We got Symantec Corporation.

Is that the antivirus place, maybe?

Let's find out.

Yeah, it is.

What is it?

Symantec.

They make antivirus and shit like that.

Somebody got to sell their product and he still has penises.

Hold on, I've got a penis.

That's a penis.

The office is currently closed.

Please contact us again during our normal business hours.

These people never work.

Monday through Friday from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Pacific time.

White people never working, man.

Wait a minute.

It is their normal business hours.

Of course it is.

It's Wednesday, 12, 11 in the noon.

Lazy bastards.

12, 11 in the fucking noon.

May

I help you?

Yeah, how are you?

Well, what can I do for you today?

oh i'm feeling good right now what can i do for you today the toilet doesn't flush i'm in one of

the rooms but i'm not actually on your computer i don't i won't show up what room number um before

that if if i let's say like i jimmied the lock right would i get in trouble if i was in here

may i ask what room number you're in 120 and what's the last name all right so we only know

the guy's name is lysol he picked us up um at the bar he's uh staying here he works for semantic

vantech you know but he just told us his first name lysol and we don't know him we just we met

at random and we came over where i told him like you know we don't have a place to stay for a few

weeks he's like oh yeah come over you know we'll fuck and we'll you know smoke drugs inside the

room and everything and and have sex drugs yeah so uh he's at work during the day and we just hang

out here wait for him to get home and then we you know start partying again we've been doing it for

the last four nights you know okay can i play sean hold okay thank you thanks hurry hurry hurry the

fuck up maybe there'll be a shit maybe there's a chicken here do we need a chicken i think we

need a chicken i just posted that show where i we had the chicken running loose in the hotels

in puerto rico attacking us that was funny yeah the one place like okay we're going we'll be right

there don't worry we'll get them yeah that was great just listening to that one where i said

I said that it was a Mexican restaurant, Carlito's Mexican restaurant.

Remember that?

And I was saying, like, oh, they're saying, put Carlito on the phone.

He's a fucking asshole.

And they put the guy on the phone.

That's funny that they did.

It was on your show.

Was it?

It was, like, a couple months ago, three months ago or so.

For some reason, I don't remember that.

Oops.

Yeah, I'll have to isolate that.

We said that there was a chicken running around in the restroom.

I think I do remember that.

I think I remember the thing with the chicken running around in the restaurant.

yeah i'm starting to remember it was a mexican the guy got pissed off and he told me to come in and

it was a mexican restaurant if i remember correctly yeah he was gonna kick my ass yeah

we were in the stall all right i'm hanging up and calling him back he's taking too long

did you see my new picture my avatar on yeah what is that skype that's a man being chased

by a chicken in the restroom hello oh sorry uh yeah we're talking about the chicken that was

was in the restroom did you hear about that yeah there's this guy he was in a restroom and there

was a fucking chicken in there isn't that crazy yeah hi my name is baz who are you and what are

you what what residence is what business is this he's harry oh yes uh yeah we need to speak to uh

harry uh here i'll put my associate on the phone i'm kind of intoxicated oh hey i don't know what's

going on i'm sorry look we were just talking to a gentleman over there he was taking too long to

to help us out well we're staying in room 120 but we're not on the computer because we're just

hooking up with the guy who's staying here we just know his first name he goes by lysol i think it's

just like his his rap name kind of thing you know and he he's a programmer at semantic are you

listening to me well i was just talking to a young man that works with you over there you

understand what i'm saying so you need to talk to the gentleman that's working on the friend

i guess what are you doing i let me see if i can find them no answer the question i was trying to

i was trying to ascertain who you were trying to talk to but what do you do there what do you do

there are you a maid i am i am here oh that's nice honey oh why do you do that well put it put

him on the phone he was supposed to help me the toilet's not working and we're staying in 120 but

but we're not on the computer.

We're just hanging out with Lysol.

He works at Symantec, and they're paying for him to stay here.

And, like, we've been here.

We've been partying and doing drugs every night, you know,

and having sex and stuff like that in the room when he gets home from work.

Yeah.

We have a chicken here, too.

Peck, peck.

Well, the toilet isn't working, so if you can come fix the toilet.

Because we've got to take a massive heroin shit, you know?

You know, like, when you do a lot of opiates.

What?

We'll work on getting someone down there to fix that for you.

Oh, wow.

Can I stay on the line?

Yeah, you know the heroin that makes you constipated?

Hello?

And then we haven't had any for a few days, and we're not constipated anymore.

Can you speak up, motherfucker?

I've got a methadone suppository.

Oh, she's gone.

I could barely hear her.

I'd want to call her back, but she was talking so low.

Fuck her.

So did you ever see that movie, Trainspotting?

Bits and pieces.

I saw the baby on the wall.

Yeah.

Okay, yeah.

The guy couldn't get any heroin, so he got a methadone suppository.

He stuck it up his ass

So I was telling her I had a methadone suppository

I'm guessing methadone doesn't come in suppository form

I think it does in the UK

Oh does it? Nice

Wow and you gotta put it up your ass huh?

Yeah and then he had to take a shit

And he forgot he had it in there and he shit it out

So he was like digging through the shit in the toilet

To find the suppository

And that man later grew up to be

Obi-Wan Kenobi

He did

Thank you for calling

The Springfield

Hello Target Pharmacy this is Anthony

Hey how are you buddy

I'm good what's up

Do you have the good stuff you gotta sign for

For the sinus machine

Oh yeah the good stuff you know

Yeah we have it it's prescription only in Oregon

Why

That's the rules

In Oregon it requires a prescription

I don't have an Oregon license

My license is from Illinois

So you're gonna accept it motherfucker

fucker

fucking Oregon

that sucks

they're really

stamping out that

meth problem in

Oregon man

prescription only

fuck that

I mean I can get

it here in my state

thank you for calling

you have to

Springfield

show your driver's

license

yeah and sign

our normal store

business hours

are Monday through

Saturday

8 a.m. to 10 p.m.

to the Springfield

please hold while we

transfer you to a

pharmacy team member

the Springfield

hello Target Pharmacy

this is Anthony

hey Anthony how are you

Dude, do you use language like that again?

I'm sorry.

That's just how the way I come across where I'm from.

I'm sorry, motherfucker.

So, I'll tell you what.

What?

Sudafed and Oregon is prescription only.

If you don't like it, I'm sorry.

Call the board.

You're an asshole.

What about, do you have codeine cough syrup?

Better not call cursing to the pharmacy.

Thank you for calling PACE, the Professional Association for Customer Engagement, formerly the ATA.

For a dial-by-name directory, press 2 at any time.

For information on becoming a PACE member, press 3.

Using the keys on your touchtone phone, please enter the name of the...

To reach underscore P-A-C-E.

Press 1 to reach underscore.

I want to tell them I've got a question about my PACE maker.

P-A-C-E.

Press 2 to reach underscore.

Please stay on the line while your call is transferred to the operator.

I'm trying to get Tim Searcy underscore.

Who the fuck is underscore?

Thanks for calling PACE.

This is Angie.

Angie, how may I help you?

Hey, I try to do your dial-by-name thing.

I'm sorry, Baz, excuse me.

I try to do your dial-by-name thing, and it's like you try to call underscore P-A-C-E or something.

What's that?

I think those are just phones that are not currently used.

That's a piece of crap.

I'm going to put Mr. Snozzwell on the line.

He's trying to get a hold of Mr. Searcy, I believe.

Go ahead.

Yes, I'm trying to get a hold of Mr. Searcy.

This is David Snozzwell.

David Baz Snozzwell.

Yeah, Mr. Searcy does not work for pay.

Oh, where does he work?

Do you know?

I believe he is at I Pay Setters.

What?

Can you say that again?

I'm a little hard of hearing.

I apologize.

You pay on what?

I Pay Setters.

What do you mean, I Pay Setters?

What do you pay them?

No, no, no.

That's the name of the company is I Pay Setters.

It's all one word.

I Pay Setters?

Yes, I Pay Setters.

It's his company.

What is it?

Is it a piece of shit or what is it?

I've got a question, though, ma'am.

Yes?

Hello?

Yes?

Yes, I've got a question about my pacemaker.

I just had one of those pacemaker machines put in my heart machine,

and I don't know if it's functioning correctly.

I was wondering if I could come in and have you calibrate it.

I could turn it off.

Why would you do that?

That's a horrible thing to say.

You're a mean, mean, mean woman.

Mean woman.

So mean.

You guys are not very nice to me.

What do you mean?

and we didn't say any bad words

like fuck or shit or bitch.

I think you did, actually.

I think those words were used quite often.

Well, you wouldn't have heard it

because you're hard of hearing.

You're lying.

What was your name?

Susan Burke.

Mean, mean woman.

Mean.

Bad lady.

Bad woman.

Susan bitch.

I should be fired immediately.

Susan cunt.

Shame, shame, shame on you.

I can smell your cunt over the phone.

Yeah, it's a smelly pussy.

Yeah.

Big, smelly, wavy lips.

Hello, this is Andy Bosco.

Please leave a message

and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Thank you very much.

That's not the guy you said it was, Tim Searcy.

It's not him.

Are you there, honey?

Who was that, Handy?

What was that?

You said iPace Setters.

Handy?

Handy Bosco?

Did you say iPace Setters?

I think it's here.

I'll put it in the chat machine.

I think that's what she said.

I just put it in our chat machine.

We have a chat machine here, ma'am.

What's the phone number?

And you can't use it.

Ha, ha, ha.

I don't want to.

That's awesome.

You want to use this?

Look at this.

We're typing stuff about you

I'm turning on my camera phone

Look at this

You see it

I turn on my camera on my phone

My smart phone

I'm showing it to you

Hey boss man

Saber in the chat machine

Put the URL for the

I paste setters

I tried it and I tried the number for that

In the official chat machine

And the motherfucker won't work

Taylor are you there still

Oh I'm just listening

Just enjoying the conversation.

What time are you off?

Maybe we could all get together and have a drink or something.

Make it airtight.

Yeah.

Would you like that?

No, I think I'm good.

Have you ever been airtight before?

Nope, not airtight.

Okay.

Hello, this is Andy Bosco.

Please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Who's that guy?

Who's that asshole?

I have no idea who that is.

Sorry.

You're not more than a two-input girl, then?

No, I'm not.

I'm not very smart.

Okay.

Yeah, because if you were smart, you'd totally take it in the pooper.

Not into that either.

Which one is it that you're into?

Which one do you like?

Do you like vaginal sex?

No, I'm anti-sex.

Oh, okay.

Do you like oral sex and mutual masturbation?

No, that has to do with sex.

Mutual oral sex?

No?

Do you like kissing, kissing, holding hands and kissing?

No.

I can bite ice cream.

You're a cold fish, aren't you?

I am.

I'm very cold.

Have you gone through menopause yet, or are you still not there yet?

I've gone through it a couple times.

Oh, wow.

Wow, that sucks, man.

Yeah.

So is there anything that I can actually help you with?

Yeah, you can help us find Tim Searcy.

We're trying to get a hold on him.

Did he used to work there where you are?

He was the CEO.

And what happened?

You guys had a falling out?

No, I didn't work here at this time, so I don't know.

Oh, okay.

Was he pretty hot?

He's a pretty hot guy.

You see his pictures, right?

I know him, yes.

Yeah, yeah.

Did you ever kiss him?

No.

If you had some information about him, I could offer you some money.

Nope, I'm good.

I'd like to pump you for information, if you know what I mean.

I have a feeling you are.

Ooh.

Yeah.

It'd be so hot.

I'm with a tabloid, national tabloid, major national tabloid.

Yeah, have you heard of the National Inspector?

Yep.

Yeah, we also have TM Machine.

Yeah.

Go to nationalinspector.com.

I do have other calls coming in because I am answering all the phone calls today.

Okay, we can hold on.

So I do need to answer these other calls.

You want us to hold him?

You want to create some sex stories?

No.

No, I don't.

Can I tell you the time I went on a cruise with Baz?

Me and him went on a cruise with his wife and my wife.

We might have accidentally touched penises together, but it wasn't gay because we had our wives there.

I don't think that counts.

It doesn't count.

We had four-way sex on the balcony of our cruise ship, and we pulled into Nassau, Bahamas, and they saw us doing it, and they were going to arrest us because me and Baz were touching and kissing.

each other part of it too and that's like really illegal in the bahamas is like death penalty and

shit man but we were really drunk so yeah they said we could see you it's not gay we could see

you from the shore and there was a high school uh an elementary school field trip to the beach

and they saw you now the kids were asking their teacher what those two men were doing yeah what

what are they doing okay yeah well i have to i have to answer these phones okay well i told you

we'd be here.

Okay, well, I'm hanging up now.

No, we don't want to go, though.

Put us on hold.

No.

I'm sorry I called you a mean woman.

You're actually pretty nice.

Do you want to go to our website?

Do I want to go to your website?

No.

I have a feeling I do not want to go to your website.

No, no, it's good.

It's a good website.

It's wholesome.

Yeah.

It's Meatspin.com.

Yeah.

I have to go.

This is the Meatspin.

Thank you for the entertaining call.

This is Meatspin Radio.

Yeah.

You're on Meatspin Radio.

Okay.

Okay, bye-bye.

Okay, bye.

All right, whatever.

Not sure if creepy or what.

Okay, well, I guess it is time to be moving along right along.

Who's on tonight?

Big Turbo Machine?

Yeah.

El Turbo.

El Turbo, I say show tonight.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Turbo Boost.

I don't think I'm going to be able to do a show this week because I'm going out of town.

Oh, no.

Really?

Damn it, man.

but hopefully in one of my upcoming shows i will debut my new theme song that uh mr spray is

making for me it's awesome okay oh new theme song huh yeah spray is uh making me a song nice

very nice i got a fucking oh i got a mouse problem i wanted to do another half hour

yeah the um skype machine's kind of cutting in and out a bit is it yeah damn it yeah look at that

all right give me a second let me try to fix that i think i might have fixed things here now

let's see looks like it okay well yep well then okay a few more pranks and i'm done

we already called that target didn't we yeah yeah do you want a couple of indian restaurants

in eugene yeah sure there you go taste of india then a vegetarian buffet busy i'll try the

vegetarian all right not getting an answer how trying that first one again still busy damn it

yeah damn okay here's a greek restaurant i think it's a greek restaurant poopies anatolia

poppies let's try what the hell maybe it's the jazz i don't answer no jazz that's busy

no fuck i didn't even get a chance to harass them not cool oh oh what happened your phone hung up

did i do something oh okay what are you doing i said hello anatolia and i waited and waited

no one said anything i hung up oh i saw you you picked up and hung right up damn really quick

It looked like you picked up and hung up really quick for me.

Let's not talk.

What can I do for you?

Okay.

All right.

Is everything okay, though?

We're okay?

What are you talking about?

I wanted to make an order machine.

You want to make an order?

Order machine, yeah.

Okay, what would you do?

Do you have Mavros working there?

Well, I just want to make sure that there's no Mavros touching my phone.

No, we live nearby.

What the hell?

Hey, don't hang up.

Mavros.

He got kind of pissed.

Mavros means blacks in Greek.

It's a racist term.

Mavro?

Mavro.

M-A-V-R-O

Mavro

Mavro is a black woman

Hello

Oh, come on, man

Now he picked up and hung up

Now he picked up

Up yours, buddy

Look here, buddy

Up yours

Hi, this is David Snozwell

I was wondering, are you open now for lunch?

Yes, we are

Oh, you are

Are you Greek food?

Greek and Indian food, yes

Oh, Greek and Indian food

Oh, do you have any of those Banchodes working there?

What?

Banchode

Banchode?

Do you have a buffet?

It's not a buffet

Oh, it's not a buffet

so i can order the the foods and it comes to me on a plate plate machine oh great do i need a

reservation part of your idea otherwise just come on in okay yeah do you have the uh the malacca

there you're a sorry yeah you're a you're a pustis i'm a i'm a turk i'm a turk all right

let's tell him we're turks and they we're turks and he's pustis which means faggot hey pustis

we're turks okay we're turks he doesn't even want to inherit turks fuck greeks

should have connected into the horse huh turkish horse oh yeah they could they can argue back and

let's try that first one that was busy they could have charlie moderate the call

oh hey sexy how are you come on didn't like that taste of india want to get a little taste of her

Yeah, I'd like to make an order.

Could you please hold on a second?

Why?

Who is this?

I wanted to make an order.

My name is Eddie.

Can you please hold on a second?

I'm busy right now.

Not really.

Yeah, hey.

Yes, what would you like?

Okay, one order of Papa Dom's.

Papa Dom's, okay.

Okay.

One chicken tikka masala.

Okay.

One banchot.

Banchot!

Sorry, sir.

I don't think I'm going to take your order.

I command you to take it.

Oh, why?

Put a man on the phone, motherfucker.

She understood.

Yeah.

It was that weird alarm

You heard it?

Because we cursed

It was their cursing alarm

Oh my god

Yeah

It's on shot alert

On shot

He said bad word

Sounded like a kid's toy or something

Anyway

Oh good

Finally got through to her

We'll try again

See if it's still busy or not

Here can I talk to her?

Yeah

Come on

I guess not

Oh here's a mobile home park

Yeah

Nice classy place to live

Love you

Yeah listen

Listen, in the mobile home, how do I take a shit in the toilet?

What?

How do I take a shit in the toilet in the mobile home?

The bathroom.

Okay, but how does it work if it's a mobile, you know?

It works the same as anything else.

Do I have to have a connection to it?

Are you talking about an RV or a mobile home?

A mobile home machine.

It's got to be connected to the sewer.

Well, yeah, because I keep flushing in it.

It's going all over the place.

There's green stuff all over the place and shit and all the toilet paper.

i can see it in the yard and everything where's this at right here where uh i'm on uh like 4900

what's the name of the park uh royal oaks machine okay what's the space number uh i have multiple

spaces i'm not sure i just moved here i think it's r there is no r in the park is it 12 then

who is this well i don't live there i'm just like i snuck in here you know okay who is it well i

My name's Eddie.

Where are you staying?

I'm in number 12 machine.

Number 12?

Yeah, and the toilet machine is flushing all over the place inside of here.

And who owns number 12?

I don't know.

Then what are you doing there?

Well, they invited me in for, like, you know, anonymous sexual thing.

I don't know their name.

We met on the Internet.

I came by last night.

I've been here.

They went to work, and I'm still here.

That's number 12?

Yeah, and I was masturbating on the bed, and I wanted to take a shit in the toilet bowl.

Well, I would suggest you call a plumber.

There's shit everywhere, motherfucker.

I need you to come here and fix the motherfucking shit.

Call a plumber.

Fuck you, asshole motherfucker.

Damn it, damn it.

Damn him.

All right, never mind.

My ear itches in here.

I got this little mic that I put in my earpiece here,

and it aggravates it a little bit sometimes.

I'm actually done.

I don't want to do any more calls.

I think I've done enough for me.

I'm leaving.

Bye, Bass.

All right, bye.

Bye.

Later.

All right.

That's Baz.

Thank you again, Baz.

He's still connected.

Not anymore.

I'm Carlito.

I was the host of the show.

RB will be doing a show after this, a special after show edition of the Snow Plow Show by

RBCP, Brad Red Hot Chili Pepper, Red Box Chili Pepper.

Carter will be coming up next.

And after that, we'll be Turbo immediately after him.

RBCP will be on for over six hours straight here.

Can't wait, guys.

And I'll catch you all tomorrow for the regular Madhouse Show.

Yeah!

Calls (26, 1 h 22 min of 2 h)

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