MadhouseSearch

The Fall of Saigon

30 Apr 2014 · 2 h 20 min · 18,795 words · source

Calls (42, 1 h 38 min of 2 h 20 min)
  1. Turkish Kitchen owner confronted about wife live 1.4 min clip ↓
  2. Sunsetter Products customer about flying RV live 3.3 min clip ↓
  3. Sunsetter Awnings engineer request live 3.3 min clip ↓
  4. Robbie Knievel Society fundraiser live 2.1 min clip ↓
  5. Wrong number call to old acquaintance live 1.6 min clip ↓
  6. Living Well Health Master IVR menu live 2.2 min clip ↓
  7. Montel Williams Health Master transfer to nurse live 3.9 min clip ↓
  8. Curtis Tucker Health Center about STD and erection live 13.6 min clip ↓
  9. IHOP about Jasper meeting a hooker live 3.0 min clip ↓
  10. Soul food about collard greens and turkey cock live 2.6 min clip ↓
  11. Soul food restaurant confused about chicken machines live 1.6 min clip ↓
  12. Sizzler manager asked about weather live 1.3 min clip ↓
  13. Sizzler manager questioned about gender live 1.0 min clip ↓
  14. Sizzler ordered orange juice and lobsters live 5.8 min clip ↓
  15. Kinky donuts penis contest live 1.8 min clip ↓
  16. Mexican grocery asked about adobo live 1.8 min clip ↓
  17. Mexican grocery transferred to adobo department live 57 s clip ↓
  18. Barber college asked about pubic hair cutting live 54 s clip ↓
  19. Barber shop called for cheap haircut live 51 s clip ↓
  20. Medical supply store asked about penis pump live 1.6 min clip ↓
  21. Soul food restaurant asked about collard greens live 3.6 min clip ↓
  22. Three-way call misidentification and confrontation live 2.7 min clip ↓
  23. California Metal X asked about Black Label Society live 2.2 min clip ↓
  24. California Metal X smelting advice prank live 8.5 min clip ↓
  25. Subway order for roast beef with bacon live 1.9 min clip ↓
  26. Subway in Wembley Park asked about pulled pork live 2.2 min clip ↓
  27. Subway in Paddington ordered ham sandwich live 54 s clip ↓
  28. Subway order for ham bacon pulled pork live 1.4 min clip ↓
  29. Subway Upper Tackbrook order denied live 1.7 min clip ↓
  30. Subway Elephant and Castle order attempt live 1.3 min clip ↓
  31. Subway King order with poopy pig live 2.1 min clip ↓
  32. Subway flight 93 naked cockpit plan live 2.1 min clip ↓
  33. Subway customer brings poopy pig live 2.1 min clip ↓
  34. Subway customer having sex with sandwich live 53 s clip ↓
  35. Vice Show discussion with caller live 4.3 min clip ↓
  36. Xbox 360 classifieds prank live 37 s clip ↓
  37. John Deere mower classifieds prank live 1.1 min clip ↓
  38. Forwarded to voicemail system ivr 36 s clip ↓
  39. Printer classifieds prank live 30 s clip ↓
  40. Unreachable number message ivr 30 s clip ↓
  41. Automated voicemail system ivr 30 s clip ↓
  42. Prank call to Christina Hall live 1.5 min clip ↓

Transcript

Well, sir, please be nice, okay?
I try to understand you.
I don't try to give you a hard time.
I don't understand you.
That's why I have to keep saying it.
Well, you're...
If you have a bad attitude like this,
I think don't bother.
Big dummy.
How much?
Okay.
Dummy.
Dummy, dummy.
Hey, you stupid shit.
I'm not playing no fucking games, man.
I fuck you, son of a bitch.
Stop making a stupid comment.
You're out of your crazy mind.
You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.
I'll fuck you.
All my blocks.
You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.
that's why i sound less excited ah you're sick i'm kissing your wife yeah hey i can't hear the
music too good on skype oh man purpose oh i think i know why hang on i gotta put that little thing
in my ear i don't want to break the mic hang on there we go that should do it nice all right
clip that again now it's probably too loud but you asked for it suffer the consequences of a
bleeding ear fucking win that motherfucker it's been forwarded to an automatic voice message
Bitch system, eight.
Motherfucker.
Start the show over again.
I knew that was going to happen.
We'll do Jimmy Vaughn instead.
Yeah.
Bringing it back.
Maybe it's too early to be pranking in Hawaii.
Oh, yeah.
It's probably about 7.20 or so.
Time is it.
Okay, one more complaint.
One more complaint for you.
Get a little bit of echo.
Okay.
Maybe that should fix that.
Cool.
I hope.
Let's try Ernie.
This reunion of old prank call victims is going nowhere.
You said that was Ernie you tried?
That was Big Ernie.
It should be afternoon or something over there in Guam.
Who else can we call?
Let's call Lord's Indian Restaurant.
We called them years ago and they were angry and said, ah, motherfucker.
It looks like it doesn't work anymore.
All right.
Hey, how about the Bullhead Pub in Manchester?
I don't have that number, Sid.
Want me to get it?
Can I get it?
You can look for it.
I got it.
Here it is.
Okay.
Here's the horse at home.
One is available to take your call.
Well, they're not answering at the Turkish horse at home.
maybe they're ready at the kitchen yeah let's find out making the malacca preparations maybe
maybe you're stirring it up he's stirring with his big day hello is this turkish kitchen yes
oh okay can i speak to the owner please sure thank you hello kangoozle my name is eddie i
like to thank you what yeah listen you do a lot of fucking on your wife today you fuck faizan
today nice and hard how did i taste the last time you kissed faizan how did i taste because she
What?
Faison sucked my dick, so how did I taste?
Tell me.
You kissed Faison this morning?
Well, you're freaking out now, by the way, huh?
Yeah, she sucked my dick.
We're Greeks.
I think he's sort of freaking out, like he was going to cut her hand off now or something.
He's like, where's my curved sword?
He's going to start calling you in about five minutes from his cell phone.
He said, where's my curved sword?
Thank you for calling Turkish Kitchen for a takeout.
Fuck it.
All right, well, we got through to one guy there.
Yeah.
I wish we could call Steam Shark, but they don't talk to let Skype numbers through anymore.
That's been gone for a long time.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Nick.
Hey.
Let's see if Sunsetter Awnings lets me get through.
I might have burned them out, too.
Okay.
Thank you for calling Sunsetter Products.
All right.
Please listen to the following two options.
Oh yeah, I got my RV.
You know where I'm going.
I'm going to jump the Snake River Canyon this time.
Why does it do that?
Don't you hate it when that shit happens when you're on it?
I know, it makes you think that they're picking up.
You think they do it on purpose?
Like, you know, at Disney, they make the lines a certain way.
They make them really long, longer than they have to be
in order to make you feel like you're moving more than you are, really.
awning on your home my name is how are you honey great this is valente i'm i don't know what
customer number i am look i'm installing on the rv i got two sunsitter awnings on each side i did
this once uh back in 2011 i did that commercial for you guys and i jumped over the restored
segment of the berlin wall from east to west germany on the anniversary of the fall i'm not
I don't have any idea.
All right, I put two Sunsetter awnings, one on each side of an RV,
and I took that motherfucker up to 55 miles an hour,
and it started lifting up the ground,
and it flew over what would have been the Berlin Wall from east to west.
It was a celebration of the, I think it was the 20th or 30th anniversary of the motherfucker falling.
Okay, sir, could you do me a favor and just kind of watch the language a little bit, okay?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, honey.
I'm from Arizona, so I talk like that sometimes.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
Well, first of all, we don't recommend that they be put on RVs in the first place.
They're not made for that.
The guy told me that the last time, but I did it anyway, and I was able to fly over the wall.
I made it on the newspaper and the news and everything.
Okay, sir.
What are you asking?
Well, I want to make sure what the maximum distance drag resistance I'm going to get when I do it,
because I'm going to go over the Snake River Canyon.
Sir, you're way out of my league.
Oh, put an engineer on the line.
Motherfucker.
Damn it.
I don't think she appreciated that.
That was funny.
Thank you for calling Sunsetter Products.
Please listen to the following two options so we may assist you as quickly as possible.
Your call may be recorded for quality assurance and...
What was it?
Two, three?
If you would like to place an order, ensure that...
Let's see if the hold time is down now.
Thank you for calling Sunsetter.
My name is Stacy Smith.
may i have your customer number or last name please valente was i just talking to you um i'm
not sure what what did you say your last name was valente i'm gonna i'm jumping over snake river
canyon in an rv with two sunsetter awnings one on each side i have an rv with a sunsetter awning
on both sides yeah and i'm gonna go down a ramp and jump over snake river canyon okay yeah i did
this once already yeah i have to get the motherfucker up to like 85 miles an hour and
and it actually starts lifting off the fucking ground.
Okay, is there some reason why you're calling me and talking like that?
Well, I need help from an engineer, from a technician there,
one of the men or something in the warehouse.
Because you're just a woman sitting at a desk, a little pretty desk,
a little computer, nice sexy dress.
Sir, how can I help you today?
I need to talk to a man, I said.
Hang on.
Yeah, they're bringing in all the parts right now.
Who would like for me to help you today?
Well, I need some specific information on the dragon resistance
resistance when i get it up to 85 miles per hour in this motherfucker i'm gonna go 85 down the ramp
it's gonna jump over the canyon but i need to get the specifics on dragon resistance don't recommend
putting our awnings on a moving object yeah but this is a man business is there a man i can talk
to in the engineering no there is not sir i apologize who's the engineer i want to talk to
the chief engineer i have an engineer here how do i get a hold of them how can i help you i need to
to talk to an engineer at Sunsetter Awnings, I said. I'm a technician with Sunsetter and I can
answer any question that you need answered for, but we don't recommend putting our awnings on
moving objects. But you're a woman and I've done this before and it was just fine. Okay. We don't
recommend putting the awning on a moving object. I know you don't, that's fine. But regardless of
that, moving on, I need to talk to someone about the dragon resistance that's going to be...
Someone has access to the CAD files for the awnings.
Maybe I can download them somewhere and print them.
Nobody has that information.
Someone there does.
Someone's designing the stupid fucking things, and they have the file, the digital file.
Sir, I would have to ask using the F word.
Okay, but I have a 3D printer, and I'm going to print some of your Sunsetter awnings.
I need you to email me the CAD file so I can load them in my simulator.
I want to load them in my holodeck simulator so that it will recreate it
And I'm here with Geordie LaForge, Chief Engineer Geordie LaForge, on my team here, on the Enterprise team.
And he'll be able to run through simulations and everything through the main computer on the holodeck.
We don't have that type of information available.
Can I put Geordie on with one of you, Lieutenant Commander LaForge?
Can he talk to someone in the corporate office, maybe?
How do I get a hold of them?
Why don't you understand?
Type of information.
I command you to get me the number for the corporate office.
I don't, I'm not able to give you the number to the corporate office.
I order you to.
Okay, sir, I don't take orders.
You just did.
Ma'am.
You just took money.
This is Lieutenant Commander LaForge.
It's a direct order.
How am I able to help you today?
We're going to have you court-martialed unless you do this, young lady.
Okay, I'm not in the military.
Ma'am, can you hear me, ma'am?
We're going to make you walk the plank.
Here's a call.
I'm going to go ahead and disconnect.
connect labia labia vagina vaginal excretions you're calling and have a great day herpes i love
you fucking asshole did you hear the wind yeah it was great that's yeah well you were saying
that you're gonna jump the canyon snake river canyon like evil kenevil
nice poor evil kenevil wasn't he out there with like a bunch of like uh hell's angels and shit
like isn't that the only people who show up for it and abc wouldn't carry it so you had to do it
on closed circuit tv it's a bunch of fucking meth head fucking bikers and shit and hippies
they were into it yeah they just wanted to see the fucker die you almost did yeah
parachute like deployed early and all that shit i think on a fucking rocket bike
i wonder if it's gotta be right yeah doesn't this kid do shit what doesn't
his kid do it for the this got to be like a 40 year anniversary that that had to be like in the
70s right like the mid to late 70s i would say so that he should be able to do it do it for the
40th that motherfucker should do it successfully you should get elon musk to design design the
rocket bike with him that would be so fucking dope the grand canyon death joke he could definitely
get that on fucking live tv now nowadays abc would carry that in a heartbeat yeah here's the
If they showed Al Capone's vault, they'll show somebody jumping the Snake River Canyon.
There's a Snake River Canyon video.
Oh, cool.
We got it.
I'll watch that later.
That was in the mid-70s.
Mid-70s, and we're in 2014.
That's got to be coming up.
That fucker's got to do it.
All right.
Let's find his number and ask him to do it.
A project for you guys.
We'll raise the money.
You think we could do a Kickstarter to raise money for Evel Knievel's son
to recreate the snake river jump successfully on the 40th anniversary of it i think it says here
that uh robbie knievel um says says that he's a hardcore alcoholic help on self-destruction
there's not a damn thing he can do about it wow just like his dad awesome that was an interview
last august you know where he is all those guys like that shit like that like white trash
celebrities like wrestlers and stuff they're all fucked up no offense msc3 play i know you're a big
pro wrestling fan it's it's like soap drop soap operas for men that's why i don't watch that
anymore i used to like when i was a kid i didn't do it as an adult blah blah blah so robby knievel
robby knievel says i shouldn't be drinking or driving because i could kill someone and you
know what it would be better if i killed myself it says he won't be drinking and driving anytime
time soon because his license has been suspended well so much for that we could get him to sober
up for a few million i swear to god we could how you doing yeah how you doing buddy listen i'm
calling from the robbie knievel society we're trying to raise money for robbie knievel to jump
snake river canyon again motherfucker you know evil knievel he used to jump shit and motorcycles
over motorcycles in london and america yeah and then he fell down the canyon
It was 40 years ago
So now his son is an alcoholic
And we're trying to get him to sober up
And recreate it himself
On the 40th anniversary
That's pretty decent
I can't remember 40 years ago
You have a few quid over there
Motherfucker
Oh okay that's horrible
I'm sorry to hear that
You remember that band Oasis
You remember that band Oasis
You remember Wonderwall man
That song Wonderwall
You guys all loved it
You guys were in Britain like
Oh
Yeah
Oh we don't like Americans
You're my wonderwall
But they're not Americans
They're not Americans
Oasis is not an American band
What they
I never heard of them
After all
You're my wonderwall sir
Okay
Sir
Would you like to be
My little chicken
I can pet you
Like a little chicken
I can't hear you
You're breaking up a bed
You wanna be a chicken
You know
Bullshit
Bullshit
Bullshit
You're breaking up a bed
Bullshit
Motherfuck
Bullshit
That's what
Damn it
Damn you
shame on you sir motherfucker you sure got that tv on loud huh motherfucker do you have a license
for your television sir i'm with the royal service my name's david snozzwell yeah we're checking your
papers you don't have a television license it says here or a toilet license either you got a
how many toilets you have there they've been revoked because there was a complaint about
your toilet all right let's call the bullseye lowered uh he's he's he's not gonna talk that's
Fine, we'll send it to the TV.
It's kind of funny.
It's a background effect.
Yeah, motherfucker.
He dropped it.
Come on, bull's head.
I need to talk to you.
This is an important...
Welcome to BT Answer 1571.
What the fuck?
I wanted to talk to you.
It should be open.
It should.
Joe, I got to talk to them for this important show.
Good evening.
Oh, thank goodness someone is there.
You guys all right?
You doing all right?
Yeah, everything's fine.
Oh, good.
I tried to make an aggressive acquisition of your company a few years ago.
You remember me?
I'm the American.
What's the manager?
because I just work in the kitchen here.
Yes, the manager at, yes, of course.
Okay, then.
Thank you.
Hello, dear, how are you?
Who is it?
Hi.
Hey, this is...
You all right?
This is Valente.
I called a few years ago.
I was trying to make an...
You called a few years ago?
That's good.
Yeah, I tried...
You've got the wrong number.
You've got the wrong number.
I tried to make an aggressive acquisition
of your place there a few years ago.
You remember?
No, I haven't been here a few years ago.
Yeah, you were calling me a C-U-N-T word
and everything, motherfucker.
fucker and that was the first time anybody called uh you a tosser too eddie was it her wasn't it her
yeah and we called like a four in the morning we called like a four in the morning their time so i
think it was yeah she was cranky how is that what's the guy trying to hang up over there he can't
he's trying to hang up what was that policy why you can't hang up huh same same same guy i figured
agree that's what he said same guy hang up same guy okay it's not blanco hey old man come on you
can't hang up the phone what's the matter do you need instructions do you know how to use the phone
are you a woman is that why you can't all right hello hello i'm it here's a code yeah you're
paying for that call yeah this is your call we're calling collect yeah you can't hang us up and
you're paying all right let's call new wave oven another place i used to call quite a bit back in
end of the day this is a throwback wednesday here on madhouse and that doesn't work new wave oven
out of business hey motherfucker you got a new wave oven give it away a new wave oven sir you
know you can use the new wave oven to uh dry out marijuana that you throw that's the best thing to
do here we are connecting zappos old favorite of mine let me get some skew numbers though right
yeah why is that was not working so what's up with all the uh going down memory lane i don't know
No, I'm just going through the list of calls, numbers.
Really?
Zappos not working.
Well.
Why is Zappos not working?
Oh, shit, man.
The Zappos go out of business, too.
Zappos, bankrupt company.
Out of business, motherfucker.
All right, let's call it Health Masters.
I think that's the juice that Montel Williams endorses.
The juicer.
He started the juice craze all over again, motherfucker.
Look, it's not going through.
Did my account get killed?
Is that what happened?
All right, let me reconnect you guys, okay?
Oh, hello.
Hello? Can you hear me?
Yeah, I can hear you. You hear me?
I hear you. Can you hear me?
Oh, I can't do outgoing calls for some reason right now,
so I'm going to restart Skype.
See if I'm suspended and I have to get a new account.
Motherfucking Skype.
Fucking Skype shit, motherfucker.
MotherfuckSkype.com
Thank you for calling the Living Well Health Master.
Please press 1 to order or 2 for customer service or order status.
Before I transfer you, I need to know if your shipping address is in the U.S. or in Canada.
For the U.S., press 1.
For Canada, press...
I'm sorry, all customer service representatives are busy at the moment.
A live customer service...
Hi, thank you for calling about Montoya.
Oh!
Hello?
Hello.
Hey, baby.
Hello.
Hey, honey.
Hello.
Hey, sexy, how are you?
Yes, I'll have to hang up now.
No, no, no, no.
Come on.
Please.
Okay.
A little too strong.
She's more like a grandmother.
Thank you for calling the Living Well Health Master.
Please press before I transfer you.
Can I talk to her?
Yeah, we're from Canada now.
Canada.
Canada.
Okay.
All right, Canada's just ringing.
I'm not going to do that.
Now we're from America, sir.
Thank you for calling before I transfer you.
I'm sorry.
All customer service representatives are busy at the moment.
A live customer service representative will be with you shortly.
Thank you for calling about the Montel Williams Health Master.
This is Catherine.
And to ensure proper handling and quality assurance, this call will be recorded.
May I continue?
Absolutely, ma'am.
This is David Snozwell.
All right.
And can you spell your last name for me?
Yeah.
Do you want me to spell it the short way?
S-N-O-S-W-E-L-L.
And why do you need my name?
I just have some general inquiries about your health machine.
Oh, okay.
Okay, well, go ahead with your questions.
Yeah, so what does it do?
Do you make juices with it?
Well, it does prepare hot and cold foods, ice cream, smoothies, frozen drinks, ice pops, soups, meals, coffee, desserts, and more.
Wow, how does it do that?
That's amazing.
I mean, does it have, like, some neutrons or some, like, a little miniature particle accelerator in there that mashes up all the food and turns it into, like, some kind of a broth?
Well, it has the ability to chop, dice, blend.
There's a wet-dry blade, so you can do wet and dry blending.
Oh, perfect.
It does generate its own heat using its centrifugal friction,
so the variable speeds causes the foods to heat up.
Wow.
Wow.
There is an eight-speed motor.
Wow.
That's amazing.
Amazing. And how much does this thing cost?
I mean, this sounds just incredible.
I was wondering if I put, like, can you mix different types of foods?
Like, I would like to put some chicken in and then maybe some eggs
and maybe put some broth in there and blend it all up.
Sure, sure. You could definitely do that.
You know what? I'm going to transfer you over to my life partner, Mr. Cross.
He might have some other questions.
I'm a little bit under the weather, hoping I can make some kind of a smoothie that will cure my cold.
And he's my partner and my nurse.
Are you there, Eddie?
Okay.
Hello.
Hey, buddy, how are you, sweetie, honey, baby?
Hello.
He's nursing me back to health.
Hello, ma'am.
Okay.
Yes.
Hi, I'm Dr. Snozzwell's personal nurse machine.
All right.
He's nursing me back to health?
How much pulp will a whole apple create?
I'm sorry?
How much pulp will juicing a whole apple create?
Hello?
I think she's looking it up in her script.
Her head's going to explode.
Script does not comply.
All right.
For some reason, I added us in the casino there halfway through that.
That's something we could do.
We could call a casino and say I lost my pants again or whatever it is that I do.
Yeah.
Or you lost your diabetes kit on top of the machine.
My glucometer.
The one that goes bing, bing, bing.
Yeah.
Bing, bing, bing.
Yeah.
Not a lot of them do that.
Okay, faggots.
Here we go.
Moving right along.
Okay, faggots.
Faggot!
Let
me go to Google Maps, and it's going to call the Curtis Tucker Health Center in Englewood,
California.
Englewood, always up to no good, because I'm looking for some dark meat today.
Got any neighborhood in Englewood?
I'm pretty sure there's a soul food restaurant right next door, and the police.
Good morning, Curtis Tucker.
Hey, honey, how are you?
I'm fine.
How are you?
Who's this?
Good, I'm good. Listen, this is Garcia. I'm looking for some dark meat today.
Do you have gym facilities there, like showers and whatnot?
Can you repeat that again, please?
Do you have gym facilities there, showers and whatnot?
I think you called the wrong number. This is Curtis Tucker Health Center.
Yeah, what is a health center? Do you have a pool? What do you have, motherfucker?
Who's this?
This is Garcia.
Garcia who?
Just Garcia. That's all you need is Garcia.
I don't think you called the wrong place. I'm sorry.
I'm calling Curtis Tucker Health Center.
Yes, but you're saying about gym or showers.
I don't understand what you're saying.
Then what does the health center do?
What do you do there?
This is a clinic.
We offer immunizations, TB control, and STD.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Good.
Do you do the check?
How do you test for, is it gonorrhea or something?
Do you have to use a Q-tip in the urethra?
You know the one I'm talking about?
No, I'm sorry.
I need that one.
You want to see by a doctor?
You can come to the clinic today.
We have a registration time at 1130.
I have a problem with my penis.
I need him to look at my penis.
Will he do that?
You can come right now if you want, sir.
You want to look at it then?
I'm sorry, sir.
Are you the sexy nurse that looks at my penis before the doctor comes in to look at it, to inspect it?
Are you the one?
Sorry, sir.
You know what?
If you want to come to the clinic, you can come right now.
I take a Viagra before I come in on purpose.
I'm sorry, sir.
Even if it's just a man doctor, I want him to see my hard boner when he's checking it.
Take a Viagra before going to the doctor.
On purpose.
On purpose, guys.
That's fucking sick.
Why would someone do that?
First of all, it would probably mess up your heart, your blood pressure when they check it.
You're going to be like, all right, why is your blood pressure through the roof?
Oh, because I took a pill that sends all my blood down to my dick.
Does it lower the blood pressure?
It raises it.
That's why, like, if you have a heart condition, you're not supposed to take it.
because some old guy will take it
who has high blood pressure and cardiac
problems and be like
or he just isn't healthy enough to
fuck
my dad had
heart surgery
every day they told him like five times
now if you use Viagra don't use it
and refrain from sexual activities
until the doctor says you can
it's like okay I'm good thank you
that's what they say on the commercial
you have to ask your doctor if you're healthy enough for sex
Sex. Healthy enough for fucking.
Yeah. What if your doctor says no?
Call that lady back. I got a question for her.
What's the criteria?
I want to know if I'm healthy enough.
All right. Cool. That's a good idea.
I need to be examined to see if I'm healthy enough for sex by a female doctor.
Curtis Tucker Health Center. How can I help you?
Yes. Hi. My name is David Snozzville.
I was wondering if I might be able to make an appointment to see a doctor about an issue.
you um our facility is a tb control std testing and immunization only clinic oh yes yes it is it
is okay so we don't take appointments depending on the clinic um we have certain hours for example
today we do triage is the tb testing um std testing and um x-rays the registration started
at 11 30 and um we take the first 11 you have to register oh the first how many patients for stds
11.
I think I might have an STD because I patronized a lady of the evening, if you know what I'm saying.
Yes.
And that was about a week ago, and now I have like a discharge coming out of my urethra.
Okay.
And it burns really bad when I urinate.
Okay.
Well, we would definitely be able to see you today.
So will the doctor look at it up close?
Yes, of course.
Yeah, will he, like, look inside the urethra?
I don't know that they look inside.
They're going to do a visual examination, and if they need to do blood tests or a swab, then they'll let you know.
But we would be able to do it in the facility.
Will he be touching me down there?
Possibly.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, but I also took a Viagra, so I'm still erect.
Will that be an issue?
I would have to check with the nurse to find out.
Do you want me to check with the nurse for you?
Can I talk to the nurse?
They're not available for the
patients right now, but can you hold on for one second?
How long will it take for you to check?
It's a moment.
I'm scared. I had to play the pissing
when I heard you say that.
I just hate that it has the guy whistling
and stuff. If it wasn't for that, it'd be perfect.
I'm going to make my own version of that.
You can make it with a toilet simulator.
Yeah.
I uninstalled it. Yeah, I did too.
I could reinstall it. It's free, isn't it?
yeah hello yes what's going on hello uh-huh yeah well they put she put me on hold i i i've got a
problem and she was going to check the nurse well i have a discharge that's pink and yellow coming
out of my urethra i i had relations with a prostitute and i'd like to come in and have
it tested but i'm i took a viagra this morning and so i'm still erect will that be an issue
you with the test i'm scared give me a minute sir why what's going on just please hold no i can't
i'm too scared help just hold sir no no what the this is a bunch of beeps going on yeah dustblends
that was a pretty pathetic help if i yell too loud i'm gonna start coughing though oh we don't want
that i had to mute after my last loud damn it what do you guys like the flu or something no i just
just have cold from kissing yeah sir yes okay well here it is sir i i work for the sheriff's
department here in la county and they're telling me that you need to come in if you don't come in
if you're actually just calling just to tell us all this stuff it's not it's not gonna work and
i'm gonna go ahead and trace your number okay i'll come in are you gonna come in yes yes okay
Okay, so I'm coming in.
What is your name, sir?
Um, Jasper.
What?
Jasper.
Hello?
Yes.
Hello.
Hello.
I'm going to put my caretaker on the line.
Let me talk to your caretaker.
Hello.
Edward?
Eddie?
Hello, yes.
Okay, sir, so what's going on?
Well, he's got a problem with his penis, so we're calling him.
I put him on the line to get some extra information about coming in.
I'm his caretaker.
He had sex with a dirty girl, I guess.
Okay, I understand that.
But the thing is, this is the second time you're calling,
and they already told you, they advised you that he needs to come in.
He can't do anything over the phone, sir.
He has some questions.
He's worried about if they're going to put a Q-tip,
like a sterile Q-tip up his urethra because he had that once.
He's really, that's why I'm his caretaker.
He's got a lot of problems.
He gets really nervous and has panic attacks a lot.
the last time I had to take him to a doctor
he broke
some of those containers that have the
cotton balls and stuff like that
okay
he has an issue with doctors, nurses
yeah when they close the door in the
doctor's office he goes
like that he goes crazy
he starts opening all the cabinets
no he's not
he's got a lot of problems
that's why he had sex with a prostitute he's disgusting
he went to the IHOP
you know there's an IHOP around the corner
Well, here's the thing, sir.
They already advised, this is just a health center.
It's not much they're going to do for him.
If he really does need help, he needs to go to a hospital.
He needs to go.
No, this is how he is normal.
They won't do anything for him at the hospital.
He just needs to have his penis looked at and see why it's doing that.
His penis hurts when he's urinating.
His penis hurts.
Can I get his name?
His name?
Snozzwell?
Bad Snozzwell?
No.
What is it?
Jasper.
Jasper.
Jasper?
Yeah, Jasper.
I've got five.
He's one of my new patients, so it's hard for me to remember.
What is your name, sir?
Garcia.
Hang on.
Let me step out of the bathroom first, okay, because I'm having trouble hearing you in here.
Can you give me a second?
Go ahead.
Just a second.
Okay.
All right.
I just somewhat washed my hands, okay?
Okay.
You there?
I'm still here.
Okay, great.
Yeah, much better now.
Thank you.
I had to urinate myself.
I'm talking to a caretaker.
Yeah.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Sorry.
Yes.
Joke?
It's not a joke.
His penis hurts, sir.
His penis hurts.
Okay.
Well, they already told you what to do.
You're obviously, this is your second time calling, and it's-
But what do we have to do again?
I wasn't paying attention.
What would I have to do?
Okay, he needs to, he needs, I need his name first of all, and I don't, Jasper?
Yeah, that's his name, Jasper.
It doesn't even sound like a name, sir.
Dude, come on, man.
That's his name.
Why are you going to say that, stuff like that?
That's his name.
Jasper what?
Yeah.
J-A-S-P-E-R.
What's his last name?
Millennium.
Millennium.
Cruz.
Jasper what?
Jasper Millennium hyphen Cruz.
Okay, now I see you're just being absurd now.
So I'll tell you what.
If you keep calling back, I'm going to go ahead and trace your number.
What do you mean by keep calling back?
Is it more than one call?
Keep calling back.
Now it's absurd.
Now you're making up names because I heard him in the background.
He's trying to be anonymous.
He's trying to be anonymous, motherfucker.
He's trying to be anonymous.
Right now.
I'm going to send some units out there.
Oh, units.
Yeah.
Yeah, come over and show me Wag Your Penis.
That's your unit.
Fucking units.
He's got a unit in his hand right now, probably.
He's dead because he's holding it like, oh, oh.
I'll work with my pants down my hand and my desk.
Hey, he's going to send the unit.
Uh-oh.
In trouble now.
Let's call the IHOP around the corner where I was trying to say that Jasper went for sex.
Jasper's a name.
Thanks for calling IHOP.
How can I help you?
Yeah, is Jasper there?
Jasmine?
Jasper got out.
He said he was going to go to the IHOP over there to meet a hooker and have lunch,
and then they were going to go fuck behind the IHOP and hurt his car.
No, sir, I don't know.
Is there anyone behind the IHOP in a car fucking right now?
Here, give me one second.
Okay.
Yeah, don't disturb them if they are.
Why?
What are you asking?
Oh, is there someone in a car in the parking lot or behind the IHOP having sex with a hooker?
His name is Jasper. Can you find out?
Okay, I'm looking.
I'm outside now with the car that's wrong, and I don't see nobody sitting in the car.
What kind of car is it?
It's like a station wagon kind of car.
What color is it?
Like a dark, like a blue, like a dark car.
Oh, is it kind of a short station wagon?
Yeah.
Oh, let me see.
Hold on.
Do you see it there?
I see the car you're talking about, but there's nobody in it.
No, can you look inside and see if there's a condom in there or anything like that?
A what?
Look and see if there's any underwear or the inside or a condom wrapper.
Look to see if the windows are fogged up.
She explained it and told somebody.
That's funny.
I don't know if she'd look.
I was going to try to get her to open the door and honk the horn, too.
I didn't think she'd actually do it.
Trying to see how far she'd go.
All right, cool.
Now what?
Now what do we do?
Michael's school uniform or rent-a-wheel.
Ooh, rent-a-wheel.
Enigma, you got any nice rims on your car?
You got a car?
What do you got?
uh i don't have any wow the nigga was poor i am poor yeah that's cool they've been taking the bus
walking in the grocery store man hell up walking in both the unit unit area
oh there's a sizzler here that that's all hey sexy how are you fine thank you oh good
good i'm good yeah this is garcia garcia yeah do you have any leopard print motherfuckers there
Wait, do we have any what?
Leper print motherfuckers.
I don't know about a leper print MF-er.
Yeah, you can say it.
I don't think we have that.
Do you have number 2857?
2857?
Yeah.
And what's that?
That's one of the wheels.
It's number 2857, generation four wheel machine.
Hold on, let me get some...
Get a man.
Can you get a man?
Okay, what's your name again?
Garcia.
Garcia, hold on.
Okay.
Call them soul food while we wait.
Yeah, I got some of that
Collar greens
Yeah, you got them collar greens there, motherfucker
Hello
I don't think she heard anything I said
No
I think she heard the
Music
Background on the other call
Hello
Yeah, hey, homie, what's up?
Hey, what's up?
You guys got collard green motherfuckers over there?
Collard green?
Yeah.
Yes, sir.
Yeah, what kind of shit you putting that fucking shit?
We don't put none of that in here, sir.
What kind of motherfucking shit's in that fucking shit?
You put some baby back fucking shit in that motherfucking shit?
Some fat back?
Put the ham hocks in there?
No, we put whole turkey.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, the neck.
You put the turkey cock in there.
I can't hear you.
You put the turkey cock in there?
The smoked turkey cock?
Yeah, if you want.
Yeah, the ass of the turkey.
Yeah, what about the cochlea of the turkey?
I can't hear you.
This is Derek speaking.
I'm not going to help you.
Hello?
Yeah, what do you want, boy?
Boy?
Yeah.
Who is this?
I'm calling about number 2857, motherfucker.
Generation.
2857.
Generation with four motherfuckers.
You must have got the wrong cat, dude.
Hey, listen.
Listen, boy, don't talk to me like that, motherfucker.
You want a place to order?
Yes.
Yeah.
Who is that?
I want one collard greens.
Say that again?
You just want a side of collard greens?
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
One chicken.
You want a small side or a medium?
One chicken machine.
You want a small, medium, or large collard greens?
Medium.
Medium?
Yeah, one chicken machine.
One what?
Chicken machines.
Chicken machines?
Yeah.
No, you can't have that, sir.
Chicken spaces?
You want fried chicken?
I want one chicken spaces.
Chicken what?
Spaces.
Spaces?
Yes.
Oh, we don't have that, sir.
How many spaces come with a chicken machine?
You got them black-eyed peas?
Yes, sir.
Yeah, can I get two spaces of black-eyed peas?
Hello?
Black-eyed peas?
What's going on?
You got some bad weather over there?
What's going on?
Lightning?
There's a lot of static on the line.
Yeah, I noticed that from you.
Your fucking cable's getting bad.
You got one of those wired phones?
It's windy here.
Dinner?
Yeah, chicken spits.
One chicken machine.
One fried chicken?
One chicken machine, motherfucker.
Chicken machine?
Yes.
Hold on.
I'll let you talk to the manager.
Hurry up.
It's a weird-ass show today, man.
I love it, though.
I love this show today.
It's great.
I know.
It's fucking awesome.
Yeah.
I was going to call the sizzler next door.
I bet you they got beef with each other, right?
They're like, fuck them soul food motherfuckers next door.
It's because they're assholes.
Fuck them.
Army is good.
Sizzler sucks so bad.
It's actually a good for a buffet.
If you consider it a buffet, it's good.
If you consider it a steakhouse restaurant, it's horrible.
It's all in the way.
It's all in the way because it's got a banging-ass buffet with steak.
We got bad weather.
Yeah, I'd rather spend the money and go to some good steakhouse.
Yeah.
Morton's.
No, Steak Times, you know?
Is it Thundering by you?
No.
That's my sound effect
Carlito asked them if they were having some bad weather
It sounded like it right
It sounded like an old analog phone
When there was bad weather
Alright I'll call the sizzler while we wait
Forget it we're doing it
Damn you
Who is this
Yeah is this the manager
Are you a man or a woman first of all
I just noticed
I just noticed that on the video
It kept saying big bad on the line
And I was on the line
That's horrible.
Horrible work on my part with the video.
Sorry.
Video viewers, here's the sizzler as promised.
Yeah.
Was that a woman or a man?
What do you think?
I don't know.
I couldn't tell.
It sounded like a woman.
Smoked turkey.
Well, you've got to do ham, man, on your colors.
Yeah.
Don't they use the ham hocks?
I thought you had to use ham hocks or bacon at the least.
Yeah.
You put some bacon grease in there.
Thank you for calling, sir.
This is Ruth speaking.
How can I help you?
Oh, hey, sexy.
How are you?
Hello.
How can I help you?
I'm putting Mr. Snozzle on the line.
He's taking his orange juice.
Go ahead.
I'm sorry.
I can barely hear you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to interrupt you.
I'm sorry.
I can barely hear you.
Oh, okay.
Can you hear me now?
Yes.
Yeah, I'm kind of sick.
I'd like to order a carafe of orange juice, please.
A carafe?
Yeah, a carafe.
You know, it's like a pitcher, but I think a little bit smaller.
Hello?
Do you mean we have like a steak and lobster?
No, I need the orange juice machines because I'm sick.
I've got a cold.
I need that vitamin C.
Oh, okay.
You call it sizzler.
You call it a restaurant.
Yeah.
I know.
I know.
You guys have orange juice, right?
Orange juice.
Yeah.
Do you have the orange juice?
Yes, we do.
Okay.
Yeah.
I'd like four orange juices.
Okay.
Any, or just the juices if you...
Yeah, I want one of them big lobsters, the red ones.
You got that red lobster shit?
Yeah, because we like to eat that shit.
we eat we we liked it that shit we drink that shit lobster and shit we drink that shit oh so good
yeah so how many you want of those uh two spaces two pieces yeah two spaces okay two two spaces
that's actually and your name one space is 1.5 piece so it'll be three pieces three pieces
look it up yeah look it up okay perfect this uh that shit's delicious
delicious juices out of the lobsters you know so what are you doing anything else yeah what are
you doing you know i ordered three lobsters hello what's the problem here you know i i ordered three
lobsters one for me one for eddie and one for you please hold why damn it shit yeah i couldn't
remember the line it was we drinked it that shit we eat this we don't eat that shit while we wait
We'll call for tropical fish machines
All right
Yeah, listen
How many tropical fish can I fit in like a hamburger bun?
I'm sorry?
How many tropical fish can I fit like in a hamburger bun?
This is not a food plate
This is tropical fish
We sell fish for tropical fish
Not a food plate
Yeah, I know
You have goldfish there though, right?
Huh?
You have goldfish?
Yeah
How much are the goldfish?
How much cost?
$2.98
Each?
Yeah
What size kind?
What size kind?
I'm sorry?
What size kind?
Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt there.
No, well, he said, yeah, what size kind.
What size kind.
What do you mean?
I don't understand what you're saying.
What size?
How big are they?
God damn it.
Well, sir, please be nice, okay?
I try to understand you.
I don't try to give you a hard time.
I don't understand you.
That's why I have to keep saying it.
Well, you're...
If you have a bad attitude like this, I think don't bother.
Big dummy.
How much?
Yeah, okay.
Dummy.
Dummy, dummy.
Hey, you stupid shit.
All right.
See I was channeling
I'm channeling all the jerky boys
Remember that one
Where that guy goes
He's trying to sell him pickles
What size kind
What size kind
What size kind
Depends what size kind
Depends what size kind
He had like a little bit of a
Panic attack there
He did
He's a little snippy
He got emotional
I tried to help you
So we have an attitude
i'm sorry don't be mad i'm sorry no i'm not mad but no you you shouldn't say it on the
phone man i'm not your friend you can't say it to me okay i'm sorry i'm sorry can we be friends
I try to understand what you have to try to say.
Okay, we'd be friends.
Okay, no more.
We're friends.
Me and you are friends, okay?
So what size, how big are the goldfish?
How big?
What size is it?
Okay, let me check.
It's not that big.
I would say...
You're a fucker.
You too.
What size are they?
Sir.
Two inches.
Two inches?
That's your penis.
It's two inches?
Yours too?
Yeah.
Yeah, small little pee-pee?
Uh-huh.
I got the big one.
I got a big one.
Yeah?
You want to suck mine?
No, I can't
It's too small
If we could find it
I need a magnifying glass to find it
Damn
The sizzler hung up in the meantime
I think they heard one of those
I'm going to say that guy's not
He does have a small little pee-pee
P-I-P-E
Hello, we are not available now
No, okay
Let's see
windchills i don't know what that is continental currency services i don't know what that is
family center i think that's yeah it's a school i'm gonna bother a school
kinley donuts it looks like kinky donuts yeah i'm gonna say kinky donuts it's like how many
can you fit around here let's do it kinky donuts let's get kinky yeah yeah
no kinky donuts yeah kinky donuts yeah we're taking viagra here and we're gonna see how
How many donuts we can put around, make stand around the penis, the hard penis.
It's a contest.
The person who can put the most around it, we get to suck his dick at the same time.
It's three of us.
We're going to have triangle sex.
No?
Okay.
Yeah.
We're going to eat the donuts around.
Yeah, listen, we're going to come down.
We wanted to get enough donuts to see which one of us can put the most donuts around their cock when it's hard.
and the winner gets to have
the other two guys eat the donuts around the
hard penis. Okay. Yeah.
Okay. Fun. Yeah.
Okay, bye. That's it. Hey. Okay, bye.
Okay.
Okay, bye. Whatever.
Whatever. Alright, I'm done with that.
Are you sticking with Englewood
or can we go a little bit south of there?
Uh,
whatever you want.
I got Korean BBQ and
Gardena, which is
South of there
Korean barbecue sounds good
Let's try it
Yeah
Yeah, I'm up for whatever
Whatever you guys want
Nah, I don't think we're going to get an answer here
Yeah, they might not be open for lunch
Yeah, you can keep looking for more
Here's Superior Grocers
If you find any more, give me a holler
And put them in the Skype chat, alright?
Yeah
Superior Grocers
Maybe this is like a Mexican grocery
Let's find out
Going to be taking a break pretty soon here
here ring ring ring yeah listen your phone took a long time to ring over there huh again i can
barely hear you it took a long time for the phone to ring right for you to get on the phone with me
yeah what's going on i'd only ring here two times motherfucker right oh yeah anyway listen do you
guys have adobo do we have what adobo adobo adobo yeah okay well let me transfer you hold on what
kind oh is there an adobo department right i'm gonna transfer you to the meat department you
They could answer that question.
That's not Adobo, fucker.
It's a spice.
Okay, well, I'm going to transfer you to the person that's going to speak to you, okay?
He's got a big dick.
Go ahead, do it.
What did you just say?
Go ahead, transfer her.
Go ahead.
I know, but what did you say before that?
I wasn't talking to him.
He said he just wanted to make sure he's not sick.
Yeah.
He said, because it's hard to understand people when they have a cold like me.
That's what he said.
What did he think he said?
Hello?
Hello?
Is she transferring?
Oh, shit.
I don't know.
Well, let's consider she is.
I'm going to hang up and call back just in case.
What did you say?
That's more than two rings already.
Getting worse.
We're going to call a barber college instead since it doesn't look like this is going to pick up.
Sorry, guys.
Sorry we have to move on from this topic so early.
Ah, Jesus, you're there.
Hello.
You're going to put us through to Adobo?
Adobo?
Yes, we do have.
Well, transfer me to a man about Adobo.
It's the grocery department.
What kind of Adobo you have?
It's a nice little cube.
They're cute.
No, no, no.
What size kind?
I need shaker.
What size kind?
What kind they?
Does it have pepper?
Con pimienta?
Or no, motherfucker?
Don't be talking to me like that.
Well, go look to see if it has achiote, annatto, pimienta, or citron, motherfucker.
Go.
Now.
I command you.
Okay, whatever.
Barber college, I said, right?
Hey, cue up breaking news.
Breaking?
Oh hang on hang on
Not yet
Where's that window
And then over
I still can't find it here
Hoskins is dead at 71
Roger Rabbit
Oh shit that guy wasn't old
Was he how old
71 he was that old
He had pneumonia
Oh shit man that's crazy
And he made Mario
Turbo and I called some
Turbo and I were calling some Hoskins in the UK
Earlier this morning
extending our condolences
that sucks
didn't he get gypped out of the sequel to Roger Rabbit
wasn't it supposed to come out
and there was beef between him and Disney
and it never got done
I'm not here I don't know
me neither
continuing on
let me go back to Google Maps
we'll look for more numbers
you said you had a barber shop
yeah barber college
oh yeah and also don't forget on
Saturday
is Mayweather's fight
with, uh, what's his face?
Uh, okay. Alright.
Mayweather's gonna fight. Mayweather.
Floyd. Money Mayweather. How many fights
does he have left? Does he say four more
after this? Uh, yeah, four.
Three or four. Maradona.
Yeah, Maradona. Maradona.
Yeah, that guy knocked out, uh,
Adrian Bronner.
Someone's gotta knock Floyd
out, man. I don't want him to be undefeated.
Do what? Floyd. I'm gonna
knock him out. Do what? Floyd
over there floyd that motherfucker floyd at your barber college i don't have a floyd okay listen i
want to learn how to cut hair and everything so i can make a business i want to cut the pubic hair
do you teach that uh we teach the barber college the barbie program right and does that include
like where i can touch the pubic hair and cut it and shave it for the man and relax yeah yeah oh
Oh, good, yeah.
I want to do that, yeah.
Okay, do you have any clippers there right now?
Any what?
Clippers, barber clippers around you, near you?
No.
What are you, where are you exactly?
At a desk?
What the fuck?
It's probably just a regular barber shop.
Oh, yeah, we teach people.
Born in the barber college.
Good afternoon.
Hey, boy, how are you?
This is CJ speaking.
Who's calling?
Yeah, boy, this is Garcia.
How are you doing, my boy?
Well, Garcia, how can I help you?
Yeah, I'm looking to get a nice cheap, shitty haircut from some motherfuckers that don't
know what they're fucking doing.
All right, you're trying, Vaz.
You always get the sloppy seconds here.
Yeah.
CJ does not like to be called boy.
Well, maybe we'll call him sir and smooth things over.
I'm a grown-down man.
You call him boy.
No, they're not going to answer.
Yeah.
Nope.
You're pissed off.
Busy, i.e. left off the hook.
Smart boy over there.
Back to the map it is.
All Care Medical Supply.
All right.
They sell those penis pumps.
Can I help you?
Yeah.
Hi, honey.
How are you?
How can I help you?
Do you have the pumps over there?
No, we do not.
What do you have there, oxygen-wise?
You have to go through your insurance.
So you have to call your insurance and then...
I'm looking for something to do suction on the penis, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I understand you have to go through your insurance with everything for any type of oxygen or tank.
You have to go straight to your insurance.
No, but listen, I already talked to my insurance and my doctor,
and they gave me a script and a referral for you guys,
and it's for the machine that goes around my penis
and it pulls on it, sucks it
and it makes it hard, then I can fuck my wife
I can be your doctor
if you want
you can actually get a script for a penis pump
I've read about that
did you just go to a porno store
or like an adult store
yeah I got a script, send this to my insurance
hello
we should call an adult store
that's finally a good idea for me
because I never want to call a kid
Hey, do you have, ain't no but five.
It's not funny.
And usually they just hang up on you because everybody five years old and up
has pranked an adult store at some point in their life.
But if I call and say I got a script for a penis pump,
will you guys submit it to my insurance?
Well, that's funny.
If I don't get a chance to do that one today, somebody can do that this weekend.
As long as it's recorded and played on the air or whatever it is, I'd be happy.
Let's call Bertha's Soul Food a little bit down the way.
Let's ask them about their collard greens and what kind of shit they put in that fucking shit.
Taking a break here in about 10 minutes or so, maybe.
Refilling my water.
Come back and do some more.
Joe.
Ming.
Ming.
How can I help you?
Yeah, well, you got them collard green spaces.
Yes, we have collard greens.
What kind of shit you guys put in those collard greens?
What kind of shit you put in that?
What kind of shit you put in that collard greens?
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
I can't hear you.
What kind of shit you put in that collard greens?
Pay attention.
Hey, boy.
What's going on there, Captain Titan?
Hey, boy, what kind of shit you put in those fucking collard greens and shit?
Cabin Crunch.
Motherfucker, you.
That's a bunch of bullshit.
How old is your mother, by the way?
I haven't fucked her in a long time.
How many fathers you got?
If I was you, I'd go home and spank my kids and put them in the corner and watch them play with themselves.
If I was you.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, hey, I'm going to come over and I'm going to spank you on the ass, man.
Yeah, open those ass cheeks.
Is that what you're all about?
We're going to open those ass cheeks and make a meat sandwich.
You want me to teabag you?
No, we're going to make a meat sandwich with your buns.
You want some chocolate meat, huh?
Yeah, I want some dark meat.
Yeah.
Are you a gagger?
I'm going to fuck you from behind.
I'm going to start biting you.
Are you a gagger?
I'm going to start biting you and clawing you and ripping your skin out from your body.
I might even give you a reach around.
How's that sound?
Yeah, all right.
And I'm going to castrate you and hang you.
You should castrate me.
I'm going to still have more left than you got.
Yeah, well, you're an uppity slave negro, all right?
Uppity what?
You're an uppity field negro, and I'll castrate you and make an example out of you.
feel man i'm in the house i'm house negro man yeah you're right i'm not right house negro well
i'm an overseer and i have command over you you have command over these nuts in your mouth
these nuts be yeah hey dienda is she over there what dienda what dienda is she over there she's
under your nuts yeah dienda my dick's in your ass motherfucker take it from under right fucking you
in the ass right now you're from under right from under your mouth from under my nose from under
of your mouth because you're sucking my dick yeah my nuts are from under your mouth right now
how does it feel having those chin nuts oh yeah yeah i love my making chin nuts on your chin man
it feels so good go balls deep in your mouth open up to your lips fuck your skull yeah you got that
black snake you got that black snake hey you guys would you guys really want to do me yeah yeah yeah
man yeah so you're faggots yeah fuck yeah oh yeah we're homosexuals yeah use that word
but that gets us
crass
yeah
wow
crass
crass language
I am bisexual
I'm fuck those
a couple of homos
calling
asking about
collard greens shit
more like
three homos
three of you
more like
four
I got three homos
on the phone
fuck my
collard greens
yeah you dip
you dip your nuts
in the collard greens
well look at us
you dip my nuts
in sour cream
you guys are freaky
tell them we're gonna
eat collard greens
out of your asshole
I'm gonna eat
collard greens
out my ass
yeah
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, does he want to join?
Put him on the line.
We want some dark meat only.
I got this.
I'm talking to this.
What'd you say your name was again?
Arby's.
Arby's the real freak here.
Cool.
Arby's the white freak, serial killer guy.
We're in the circle jerks, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, masturbation contest.
Oh, I was going in the circle jerk.
You guys want a masturbation contest?
All right.
Three, two, one, go.
Oh, man.
You're good.
You're awesome.
You done already?
Quiet at first.
Yeah, you're involved with those guys?
You sounded like you had a bit of a sense of for a second.
No?
Wow.
No, he got quiet again.
He doesn't want to talk to you.
He's shy.
After he comes, he's shy.
Oh, man.
I just rolled over.
Somebody thrill me.
Give me a good one.
Somebody give me something good.
Something that'll put me in my place, make me feel shame.
Come on.
Somebody come up with something witty.
Hey, we got a goat here.
You want to do the goat?
You're just getting a little bit more stupid.
I don't know what's going on with that goat.
he's got your goat is that what you're saying okay somebody come up with something good i don't know
cross where you make a black snake moan do you want some racist jokes did you hang up on me
no i know you didn't hang up on me yeah la pizza yeah you know how you know that because we're still
here oh who's in charge here hello in charge yes i'm in charge can i help you no no i was talking
to the other guy they just called you on a three-way line or something you can go ahead and
hang up no don't hang up don't hang up we command it now where's the fucking asshole why'd you do
that because i got this time this is my time i don't share this shit you're fucking now where's
the overseer i'm calling i'm the overseer and i'm calling again don't tell him shit this time
i need you to know that i am the lord high march keep quiet okay i have been to the unholy
underverse yeah i got never mind i got this boy on the line here uppity nigger he's going to talk
I said a bad word, I'm sorry.
Bye-bye.
He wants to order pizza.
Hey, Overseer.
Overseer, Overseer, Overseer, Officer.
Overseer.
Yes?
Now, as Overseer, I want you to oversee the handling of these nuts into your mouth.
Okay, I'm opening.
Prepare.
Go ahead.
Then I want you to put my bizzalls between your jizzalls and work them like a strizzall
and tell me what you sizzle.
Yo, yo, yo.
Now, you don't understand English.
Maybe I could put this for you in a little bit more rule tone for you that you might
understand here you might thought you was having some fun but you're not having fun i'm the one
i understand him right oh now i understand what he's saying yeah i get it hey
we were having a good time i'm not good enough for you no you're not you suck
i'm supposed to get upset or something what did i do wrong hey tell me i'll straighten it out i
can make it good well hello are you a notary mother this is a notary yeah you're notary
Yes.
Yeah, I want you to sign this black man's death warrant over here.
Wait, he's black?
Yeah.
You want me?
Yeah, we're going to take this black guy out.
I want you to sign his order to arrest him.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
You guys got it all wrong.
You thought I was black?
Oh, what are you?
That's why she handed me the phone, because you guys thought you were talking to a black guy?
You fucking idiots.
All right, who are you?
What are you, then?
Me?
Hold on, let me grab my iPod, and maybe this will straighten you out what I am, okay?
Okay, we'll just play a little bit of my music here, okay?
You still have an iPod?
You suck.
You don't have an iPhone?
You have an iPod?
No, no, I don't use iPhones.
I use a Galaxy.
But I have my music on my iPod.
I bet you have an iPod Mini.
You fucking...
No, I have a Galaxy.
You cheap fucking boy, you...
Why would I want a punk ass?
Did you get the watch band for it?
No, that looks like crap.
What were you going to do?
I like my watch band thing.
It sucks.
But it's got a clock face on it, so people don't even know.
Everybody knows.
They've seen it on television, haven't they?
You're crazy.
It sounds like shit.
What is it?
Really?
How are you going to talk shit about Black Label Society?
Fuck Black Label Society rule.
Is this your group?
Man, you're a metal?
You like metal?
I'm calling people.
Don't tell me what to do, motherfucker.
I mean, shouldn't he be listening to something like this?
Yeah, Kmart.
Yeah.
Yeah, how's the action like today over there?
How's the action?
Yeah.
Slow right now.
Oh, really?
Because I'm looking to go to the bathroom.
I wanted to spend, I had like a half hour to spend.
Hopping, stuffing, hopping like a rat.
You know what I mean?
I can barely hear you.
I have like a half hour to spend in the bathroom.
I wanted to see if any guys came in, in the stall.
So I wanted to see what the action was like today.
No?
Okay.
Kmart for you.
Hopping like a rabbit.
When I get my knee in there, then you know what got to happen.
Hey, John K, my name's Johnny.
What's your call?
Hey, boy, how are you?
All right, how you doing today?
Good.
Listen, how's the action over there?
Nice and hot?
Huh?
Is there any hot action going on over there?
No, it's kind of slow, I see.
They buy a lot of Easter stuff.
Can you go to the bathroom and see if there's a lot of people, any guys in there waiting?
Huh?
Can you go to the bathroom and see if there's any guys waiting in the stall?
Waiting in the stall?
Okay.
Yeah.
In the bathroom or?
Yeah, yeah, because I'm going to come in.
I got like a half hour, so I like to come to the stall and jerk off other guys off,
but sometimes there's no one there.
Can you check to see if there's any guys there for jerking off in the stall right now,
and I'll come in?
I'm in the parking lot waiting.
I'm calling from my cell phone.
Say who?
I don't want to come in unless there's any guys.
any like you know glory hole action going on right now at the kmart in the bathroom can you go to see
if there's any guys looking to hook up before i get out of the car and go in there if not i'm just
going to go to walmart instead so you want me to go check the bathroom yeah just see if there's any
guys they're looking to hook up yeah stupid yeah they usually hang out in the stall they sit down
in the toilet and just wait for like a half hour for someone else to come and then they they tap
their feet yeah you tap your foot you know it's a signal and you tap your foot and you can get
you guys get off together it's been going off it's been going off for years at this
kmart you didn't know about it uh no no brother this um who is this homie this is garcia who
garcia i'm bisexual you who bisexual my name is garcia oh yeah you must be calling the wrong
person i don't go to the bathroom just nothing like this no no no not you you work there but
guys do that at your kmart on vermont avenue and that's why i go there a lot i i've gotten
I've gotten jerked off there like 20 times.
Hey, hey, hey, homie, you know, you don't call and start talking about it until you get your jacket on, man.
That's personal, homie.
Well, that's what guys do in your bathroom.
You didn't know that, really?
Hey, man, you don't call and start saying nothing like that, man.
You don't say nothing like that.
I know, I know.
Why not?
I know we don't acknowledge it.
Why?
There's two people on the phone, homie.
Hey, he's coming in with me.
We're like three people.
Three people.
So y'all on the phone ain't got nothing better to do than call and see if my jacket on the bathroom.
What you telling me there?
Well, no, we want to check off.
Yeah.
That's your problem homie
You don't call another man
Just do your thing homie
We like to do it in the bathroom
We have wives
I got something y'all missed
You want to see this
You just close your eyes
I was going to mention that
That other guy he played Black Label Society
That's a metal band
That's what he likes
I thought he was black though
He is
His black dick and his black stuff
and all this yeah that's with uh zach wild the uh former aussie lead guitar player that guy's
fucking awesome and that guy is just weird i must have been a black label society once
he's like a wolf raised with the young you should teach that guy the secret foot tap
he seemed like he knew about it he didn't he didn't want us exposing it yeah don't call talk
about it come on man we don't acknowledge it you don't acknowledge it as long as you guys buy
something every once in a while we're fine mobile gas station get a break after this i promise i
I swear.
Hello, Merrill.
Yeah, listen.
I wanted to make an order.
One gasoline.
I want to make an order.
As in how, sir?
One gasoline.
Ready?
Okay, how much?
Our gasoline is $4.39, $4.49, and $4.59.
I need five spaces of that.
All righty, sir.
Okay.
Just come by, and we'll have it ready for you.
Well, no, because I went there the other day, and the lady was like, we're going to run out, motherfucker.
She came out, and she was holding, like, a shovel.
She was swinging it around.
I don't even know what you're talking about, sir.
Sorry about that.
Have a good one.
Motherfucker.
is that a white guy working in the ghetto or maybe he was a black i don't know here's a place
called fabiola fabiola i have no idea what they have here what the hell is that fabiola it's like
fabio with a law at the end of it maybe they have some good action there yeah fabiola it's fabulous
i am bisexual i'm fabulous if not we got california metal x no idea what they do there
It looks like metal.
If they have that black label society.
Here we are.
All right.
You're in California Metal X.
You're in California Metal X.
This is Janet.
How may I help you?
Yeah, we wanted to see if you have any black label society there.
Give me one minute, please.
Okay.
Jessica Brass has exceptional machine ability.
Yeah,
she isn't really enthusiastic right
okay normal that's fair good afternoon how can i help you oh i need to talk to a man
come again i need to talk to a man please to talk to a man hombre hello pronto yes how can i help
you we need to talk to a man we have serious questions about metal sure question maybe i can
Can't help?
Probably.
You really need to talk to a man?
Yeah, probably you can't help because you're a woman.
You don't know how to do hard work and stuff like that, you know?
Oh, yeah, that's kind of bullshit.
Thank you, though.
Motherfucker.
Listen.
We're smelting right now.
We're not calling to make a food order.
You there?
I don't think she's there.
I'll call back.
What was our options?
Two and three?
One and four, right?
Yeah.
Keep her calling.
California Metal X.
Good afternoon, California Metal X.
This is Janet.
How may I help you?
Why aren't you more enthusiastic?
What's the matter?
Nothing.
Huh?
Are you okay?
Are you sad today?
No.
You want me to go over there and kneel down in front of you?
Stick my nose under your skirt?
She's got a soft voice.
Yeah.
I want to kiss all the freckles on your body.
Hello?
Yeah.
Yeah, what's up?
Can you put me through to someone to make an order?
But it has to be a man.
You wanted to speak to who, I'm sorry?
A man.
Okay, one minute.
Thank you.
A wide range of abilities.
And now is the time to let me...
Yeah, remember that call you made a long time ago, that soft voice?
Yeah, soft.
Soft.
CMX, I'm voice speaking.
Finally got a hold of a man over here.
Is it?
Yeah, listen, I needed to order some Black Label Society.
Some what?
Black Label Society.
What are you talking about?
Black Label Society.
Do you have that metal?
No, we don't.
We manufacture brass and bronze ingots.
Oh, yeah.
So, yeah, we make like H76, like silicon bronzes, manganese bronzes, aluminum bronzes.
Oh, you can put them around your penis.
Look, I'm going to put the white guys on the line because I'm Puerto Rican and I don't know a lot about metal.
Go ahead, guys.
Baz, you want to go?
Yeah, yeah.
Hello, sir.
This is Baz.
I'm the chief smelter here.
We're trying to make an alloy and maybe we require some technical advice.
I'm going to transfer you to one.
How long will that take?
I'm just talking to you right now.
Okay, hurry the fuck up, please.
All right, call it.
Yeah, fuck.
Fuck you.
you hello hey is this alex yeah how do you say there flapjack uh the man put me through i got a
smelting uh question okay yeah i i put a bunch of the uh the pennies in in the smelter and
they're molten now and i'm trying to add some aluminum to it i'm trying to make a new alloy
and i'm having trouble stirring it up what do you use to stir stir up your mixtures because i tried
using a spoon but it just melted and i tried using a broom handle and it just it caught on fire
so what the fuck do i do now yeah you need a steel rod yeah but the steel is just gonna melt
a thousand degrees higher than what you got there oh okay so i just i need a steel rod
yeah okay yeah no what would happen if i added um like some some magnesium shavings to that
Would that help?
I'm pretty much getting a flare-up too again now.
This is David Snozzwell.
I'm trying to make a tool.
Okay, okay.
Yeah, you know, so I've got the smelter.
I borrowed a friend's smelter, and I fired it up,
and I melted some pennies down in some aluminum cans,
and I was going to add some magnesium to it to make it strong,
and I'm going to pour it into the mold.
Yeah, well.
Yeah, I've got the John Holmes mold,
So, you know, I want to make the big tool
And I'm going to stick it in my ass
Who is this?
This is David Snoswell
You want to come over?
This sounds pretty funny, David
Yeah, well, no, I'm almost there
I just need to make sure it's strong
And I got some poppers
So we can shove that big metal John Holmes dildo up your ass
Oh, come on
Yeah
Here, Cross is here too
I'm here
Hey, how the fuck can I put the broom up your asshole?
And now that magnesium, make sure you're, when you put the magnesium in, make sure you have your face right over the furnace, just to make sure that it goes in.
Oh, fuck you, motherfucking asshole, you cock-sucking motherfucker.
What are you trying to do here, man?
Are you trying to fuck up my face, my beautiful face, you fucking dickhead?
So I look more like you, like a dirty Mexican?
Oh, my goodness.
And I'm trying to figure out who this is, but I...
You're a Mexican, you're too dumb, and you can't figure it out.
I understand.
All right.
We're going to make balls of steel.
Listen, no tortillas here, no taco, okay?
What the hell is this?
Oh, my goodness.
Sounds familiar, though.
Sounds familiar.
You motherfucker.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
I'm KDK.
I'm sorry?
You know KDK, Prank Calls?
That's me.
Yeah, and Death Fox is here.
Yeah.
And Dr. Lego and Rev420 is here.
Yep.
And Dino from Syndicate Radio.
You know us?
No, no.
Yeah.
You're on the air right now.
Yeah, Big Outlaw is here.
Zolar is here.
Ted Webb.
Craig Masters is here.
Yeah.
Major Chaos, whatever you want to call him now.
Yeah.
Actually, you know, we had to kick him out because there were some 10-year-old girls, so.
Yeah.
He's been banned.
Rappy McRapperson and Mugsticky are doing music.
Yeah, it's a big party.
Yeah.
All right.
Okay, well, just make sure you put that magnesium in and your fingers over there.
Yeah, and we'll throw Tucker Mike in there after that so he can burn like an idiot.
All right.
Yeah.
Okay.
And also, clone homegrown.
We'll have clone homegrown put the tungsten in.
Okay, cool.
All right.
Clone homegrown.
You know I was about to say clone homegrown?
That's awesome, pal.
Seriously, I was getting ready to say clone.
All right.
We'll make him put the magnesium in.
Friday Night Crank says DS.
Awesome.
or are those two motherfuckers in it?
Is it just Jared by himself now?
Anyway, what happened to the chick?
I never hear of the chick anymore.
Apparently she, uh, I don't know, quit or something.
Did he get her pregnant?
Probably.
Was that his sister?
Was it his sister?
I don't know.
Oops.
No, it's his, like, cousin or something.
Oh, yeah, he probably did get her pregnant.
She realized it was a shitty show.
Yeah.
Kristen had rumors of pregnancy, apparently.
Really?
Okay, I was just kidding.
Whoa.
Some incestuous prank call kissing cousin shit over there.
Friday Night Cranks
Friday Night Cousins
Kissing Cousins
Friday Night Cousins
Cousins
Friday Night Kissing Cousins
That's fucking funny
I'm going to have to use that in their chat
Whatever it is
They don't have a chat do they
They just have like a YouTube thing
No they got that stupid fucking Twitter chat
Oh yeah
I'm going to say that shit
I have never watched them
The only one I've ever watched is that one
Where he did that
Like five hour stream or something
And I caught like five minutes of it
I've tried to he's never done a prank
When I'm listening when I'm watching it
It's just him talking bullshit
I'm like alright well I'm going to listen to Art of Film
Like you're now bye
Okay anyway I'm going to finally take that
Fucking break I was talking about
Since we got Spider Pussy playing here right now
Alright
Love this fucking song man
Better go peek out your window and see if that unit is there yet
Oh yeah there could be several units
Out here already
ready um guys when i come back i'm going to be pranking more in southern california we might
hit up compton again and uh maybe we can hit up hawaii maybe it's late enough over there we have
we've had a lot of fun in this show we're calling hawaii yeah new news sent me an idea too oh yeah
good good i'll share that with you when we get back we'll do some new new stuff i wish lonesome
could be here for daytime shows but he's got responsibilities and has to work i do too
just my day off happens to be wednesday so i take advantage of it ted webb just joined cool ted webb
awesome what's up big ted ted webb motherfucker yeah
anyway i'll be right back in about five sixish minutes let me go urinate and flush the toilet
wash my hands fill up my water cup maybe put some kool-aid in there motherfucker i'm gonna grab
I'm going to eat some lunch meat, and I think it may be a hard-boiled egg that I got waiting for me in the fridge.
Be right back.
Thank you.
The best perlito here.
What's up?
Nygma and Baz are still with me.
I understand Brad dropped off during the break.
Yep.
Hey, man.
And I know I haven't recorded Enigma.
Maybe, do you remember, can you, do you remember what date it might have been that the HEP call happened?
That was Ice Goose and Sloth with me broadcasting, but not talking, if I remember correctly.
Yeah, I was on that show.
That was right when you, I think, right when PCN was on.
Yeah, I think it was the first show of PCN and that happened.
And the Indian guy that was yelling HEP at Sloth and Ice Goose.
HEP.
Yeah, he's just like, HEP!
Hey, this is Hoop Marathi Pai, blah, blah, blah.
HEP!
that let me see if it's still on the uh yeah it's got to be on there just got to find the day i want
to isolate that that's the same show where the the australian place couldn't hang up on us the
indian restaurant in australia i think yep i remember that that was funny too you keep trying
to click and they could they ended up having to yank the cord out of the wall we figured
well that that clip that i just played was from a call from last week my show last week we called
uh cindy and restaurant and the guy didn't get mad but then he couldn't hang up he kept picking
And we kept picking it up, and we kept saying stuff.
And finally, he just went off on that rant.
Awesome.
He called me a moggy moggy, which means it's like a bad way to call somebody a prostitute.
Oh, really?
A moggy moggy?
That's a good one.
Yeah, moggy moggy.
You should work that into your calls, moggy moggy.
I'll have to remember that.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
So according to Nunu, big controversy in the UK today.
Today, about 200 Subway stores, sandwiches ones, have stopped selling bacon and ham because they're becoming halal.
Dude, those Muslims are taking over UK.
Yeah.
They've got whole neighborhoods now.
They'll chase you out of fucking shit if you're not a Muslim.
I've heard about that shit.
Wow.
Okay.
I remember the first time I went to London was right before the first Gulf War started.
And if you're an American, you walk into those Muslim areas, man, they gave you the cold shoulder big time.
Really?
That was a long time ago.
Imagine now.
Imagine now and everyone hates us.
All right, here we go.
Here's one that's supposedly in one of these neighborhoods in Wembley, North Wembley.
North Wembley apparently being a place not to park your car.
Don't park your car.
Hey, boy, how you doing?
I want to make an order for pickup.
I want to get an order, one foot long, roast beef.
Okay.
With bacon.
We'll do bacon there.
Oh, we'll put double bacon on it.
I want to pay extra.
No, we don't do bacon.
girlfriend it's a subway and i'm looking at the website and it says bacon motherfucker
i said it says bacon on why did you why did you slap me motherfucker like that
all right i'll try them again let's ask for the pulled pulled pork
me picking up the second time fuck all right here's a different one i swear to god subway
must own a store on just about every fucking in every fucking neighborhood multiple times over
probably in the civilized world and outside there are so many subways man yeah hey i wanted to make
an order one foot long roast beef sandwich valente yes this is valente valente yes i'm making an
order motherfucker valente who who valente just valente is all you need valente valente is all
you need for my order boy fucking monkey motherfucker you monkey who you call me boy
Boy, motherfucking racist.
You heard that?
I would never say that to somebody, ever.
Not even joking around on the phone.
You never say that.
The old fax machine trick.
Oh, whatever.
Here's the third one that we got from Mr. Nunu.
Subway in Wembley Park.
Wembley Park.
Yeah, can I take it?
Yeah.
No answering.
Yeah, hey, how do you say there, bottlenose?
You still open?
Yeah.
Yeah, you're open.
How late?
I'd like to make an order for a sandwich.
You can order by the phone.
Okay, yeah, you have the footlongs there?
Order through the phone, you need to come.
No, I'm going to come in, I'm going to come in,
but before I do, I just want to make sure you have what I want.
Do you have the footlong sandwich?
Yeah, you got the...
Hey, what the hell?
Fuck.
Dude, motherfucker.
Really?
Yeah, what happened? I'm a diabetic.
Yeah, do you have the pulled pork?
Do you have the pulled pork?
No, we don't have it.
Why not? With extra bacon.
Yeah, what's that?
Say that again.
In American, please.
Speak American to me.
Is it dirty?
You stupid.
You a stupid.
You fucker.
You dumb fuck.
Chuck off.
Chuck off.
So, okay, I'll call him back.
He said, come in and I'll have a long talk with him.
And what happened, boy?
You talk to Baz like that?
Rude?
What are you saying, man?
Why you talk to my friend rude?
like that my boyfriend my i kiss i kiss him and everything oh what are you saying man i kiss my
boyfriend and everything he said that you were mad because he uh come on man he was mean he's
mean to me mean man i need one hand you're a mean man one ham sandwich what do you want man
i don't give any order yeah one white steak okay come over to the shop because you're busy
if you're busy give you an order if you're busy take the order if you're busy take the order
it's faster motherfucker oh you suck my dick man you son of a pregnant fuck your mother
oh fuck you man wait a minute he said wait wait son of what son of a pregnant what did he say
i don't know pregnant what he called you a son of a pregnant whore or something
i never heard that one hey what did he say hey boy fuck yo you son of an owl you monkey the fall
all fell out of the tree you're a bad monkey bad shame on you shame jim i'm gonna make shame upon
you we're calling the one i'm gonna make a shame a shame on your ass this is paddington famous for
its muslim bears keep them on hey boy i'd like to make an order one hello one ham sandwich hello
one ham sandwich hello oh you're so full of shit oh is it yeah you're full of it you're a son of a
bitch you're a son of an owl do you know that yeah i know that i do know that and you also
know your mom yeah yeah now she's dead you stupid fucker man i know you're a slouch friend you know
don't waste our time man you're such a pussy man i'm gonna waste your time fuck you man i'm gonna
come into them i'm gonna waste your time there he goes subway in king's way wow this is awesome
fun thanks nunu good idea finally nunu yeah fucking hell finally no answer there
They're Godge Street in London.
Hey, I found the show on the showroom.
I was just skipping through it to see if I could find when it plays on there.
Oh, did you?
Cool, all right.
Cool, I'll get with you on that so I can try to isolate those.
Awesome.
All right.
Everyone should hear.
I don't think anyone caught it.
It was like at four in the morning and shit, right?
Hello, we were the same.
Yeah, how are you?
I want to make a Subway order for one sandwich machine.
Yeah, I want a ham, bacon, pulled pork on it.
But you mean platters or sandwich?
Sandwich, motherfucker.
Oops.
You can't curse to those kind of women.
They just hang out.
She's a delicate.
Yeah.
A delicate flower.
Oh, that'll teach you.
Now busy.
Damn it.
I never understood why that shit happens.
All right, Upper Tackbrook.
Moving along.
Another Subway.
Subway Eat Fresh.
Sponsor of the last segment of Madhouse Radio today.
Yay.
Subway invites you to eat fresh at the Subway Upper Tackbrook Street in London.
Sponsor of today's second half of Madhouse Radio
Yes, I'd like to make an order, please
I'd like to make an order
No, sorry
Only in the shop
One bacon
No, sorry, only in the shop
It's not available right now
Is your mother there in the shop, too?
Yeah, your mother, I can kiss her
I kissed your mother
That's impossible, though, because she's with me right now
Order's only in the shop today
Sorry
Fucking assholes
We will come into the shop
Yeah
To make the order
Olmec
Couscous Olmec
Salam Aleikum
Couscous
Salam Aleikum
Couscous Olmec
I said his mother's pussy
He knows what I said
He understood that one
Huh
You heard him
He's like
Hello
Excuse me
How do you know that
I know
Cause I used to fuck an Egyptian girl
I used to fuck an Egyptian girl
She was Coptic Orthodox
Christian
So hot
Yeah
She gave good blowjobs
Are you there
Hello
Yeah
Yeah, she was a whore.
Hello?
I can't hear you, bitch!
Do you have hair down there?
A lot of hairs?
Speak up!
You're covering the phone!
Yeah, but subway is closed, yeah?
I want to make an order.
No.
So you can come tomorrow at 7 o'clock because now it's the store closed.
God damn it, motherfucker, shit!
It's a sandwich emergency.
Shit, motherfucker!
Help you, sorry.
Fuck you.
You can try in another store.
I think the harbor is open now.
Fuck you.
You can try there, yeah?
Stupid bitch.
So what are you doing?
What are you doing?
what are you doing
what are you doing
she sounded like
she was going to
get angry or
something she
didn't oh well
all right you
call back yeah
here's one on
elephant and
castle or what
you want we can
call that elephant
and castle elephant
and castle elephant
street in london
they probably feel
right at home there
no there's no
elephants in the
desert yeah no
only in the zoo
africa and the
other place india
and asia all right
everywhere come on
motherfucker rang
trying again i
think there's a lot
of things in uk
The K named after elephants during their imperial, you know, period of time in India.
Oh, okay.
They brought elephants back and they masturbated them.
Greys.
Yeah, the English soldiers had sex with elephants there and came back.
With elephant beads.
They named this after the elephants, man.
Greys in road.
How would you fuck an elephant, man?
You'd have to get on a ladder.
It'd be hard.
Yeah.
You'd probably fall down, break your neck, break your cock.
All right.
Another subway.
I bet the female elephant's got a big, loose pussy.
Hi, Subway King.
Hey, elephants have loose pussy?
I want to make an order for Subway.
Well, for tonight, I'm going to be right there in one minute.
One foot long, bacon, ham, pork.
Pork, bacon, ham, pigs, motherfucker.
What are you doing?
Are you in the toilet?
Hello?
Was he in the toilet?
What's going on?
Oh, this is Garcia.
Sorry?
My name is Sosa Garcia.
One foot long.
Please, please, emergency.
Emergency, emergency, please.
But you have to come and collect it, sir.
Please, diabetes, diabetes, help.
Yeah, we'll make a sandwich.
I will come to collect, yes.
I'm coming.
Yes, sir.
So what would you like?
One bacon.
Bacon footlong?
One bacon, ham.
Bacon and turkey?
And sandwich machine.
Pulled pork.
Ham and bacon, footlong?
Yeah, yeah, I want you to eat it.
And with all the vegetables?
I want you to eat some of it in front of me to make sure it's not poison.
Oh, come on.
I want you to eat some of the sandwich in front of me to make sure.
We're going to bring our pet pig with us.
A poopy pig?
Yeah.
Poopy pig.
The poopy pig.
There's a pig shitting everywhere.
Poopy pig has diarrhea.
A diarrhea pig.
We'll try another one.
They still have pork in them.
I'm going to tell them I have a poopy pig.
Yeah.
No, no, you're slipping there.
They still have pork there.
That's why I had to tell them to eat it.
I was like, no, no, no, no.
I was reading
I was reading some blog, and this dude said that, oh, you should put a can of Spam under
every seat on an airplane.
Oh.
And if you get hijacked, you can open up a can of Spam and tear up chunks and throw
it at the hijackers.
Oh, yeah.
Say, pig meat, pig meat, and force them into a corner.
They're like, ugh.
Well, the other thing is, the men aren't supposed to look at other men's penises.
so you could just take your dick out.
No.
If I was on...
I'm sorry.
This is horrible to say.
What I'm about to say is really bad, sir.
Okay?
Are you there?
Hello?
Yeah.
Subway?
Yeah.
If I was on United Flight 93 on September 11, 2001,
I would have stripped naked before I stormed the cockpit.
I would have been like, fuck it.
I'm going to take all my clothes off,
and I would have had an erection when I was running through the cockpit.
Sorry?
I can't make an order.
Yeah, we'd like to make an order.
hello i'm sorry fuck why not all right why not i would have been that guy that said all right if
we're gonna do this we're gonna take all our clothes off i want to see all you make if you're
gonna kill me i'm gonna make you look at my penis seriously though if if you either we're gonna win
and take it over or we're gonna get fucking we're gonna die might as well get naked no one's gonna
know i will yeah i would have been yeah let's see all the pretty girls get naked and what's wrong
can you imagine that that would have done psychologically that would have fucked up
the terrorists they'd be like oh my god they're fucking nuts they're all fucking naked the old
ones the kids all of them the black guy they're all fucking gone okay all right we're sorry that
might that might you know damn i probably would have made that suggestion they probably would
have just tied me up like all right this guy the fat puerto rican guy is gonna help
with our luck you'll be the one to make it into the cockpit and be like
Like, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Yeah.
But I promise you, if that ever happens and I'm the one flying the cockpit, I will make Madhouse references so it comes up on tape.
Even if we don't make it, it'll be on the black box.
I'll talk like Jack Masterson the whole flight.
Like, tell me how I want my butterfly.
Oh, that'd be awesome.
And I'll quote the movie Gravity.
All right.
Here's another subway.
That's horrible what I just said about those fucking poor people.
Still, I would have been like Naked Warrior.
Like in Uganda, remember there was a civil war
And there was General Buck naked
Oh, that was Liberia
Yeah, General Butt naked
They would all get naked when they went to fight
They were just naked with AKs
Yeah, because he thought that he was
Invulnerable, invincible
Yeah, because they wanted to sacrifice a kid
And he didn't
Hey, hey, is this Subway's?
Subway, yeah, this is Subway's
The Subway's in Kassel, yeah
Yeah, I've got a poopy pig
Sorry, what do you have?
I have a poopy pig.
What's that?
I'm David Snozzwell.
I'd like to make an order for a food.
Now?
Yeah, for a one-sandwich food.
Oh, well, do you have the, uh, what time do you open in the morning so I can come in?
We open at 7.
We close, uh, 10 minutes before, yeah.
We close at 10.
We close 10 minutes before because we have to.
I'm going to come in when you open tomorrow and order a sandwich.
I'm going to bring my, my poopy pig with me.
Oh, yeah, sure, sure, no problem.
Yeah, just come tomorrow morning.
Uh, what time do you want to come?
Yeah, do you allow pigs?
Pigs? Do you have pigs in your restaurant?
Sorry?
I have a pig. A service pig.
I'm going to bring the pig with me into the restaurant.
Okay, the problem is I don't know about this, the manager.
But you have to. You have to let me in. It's the law.
Because I'm blind.
Okay, I'm popping in tomorrow or bringing up tomorrow?
Yeah, I'm going to pop in. I'm going to pop in tomorrow and I'm going to order a bacon sandwich.
Bacon and eggs.
All right, no problem.
You have the bacon?
Bacon, yeah, we have bacon.
And you have the pulled pork?
That's the turkey bacon.
Oh, no, I want pig bacon.
No, because this is a halal shop, so this is...
Oh, so it's okay then.
Yeah.
I have a license.
Yeah?
I have a license that allows me to order bacon at a halal restaurant because I'm diabetic.
Okay.
And then I'm going to have my...
My pig has got diarrhea, so I need you to follow after him with a mop because he's going
to shit all over the place.
All right.
So, do you want to ring up tomorrow?
Because we are closed now.
Yeah, well, I'm going to come in tomorrow, and I'm going to bring my pig, and it's going
a shit all over your store okay no problem you can call play the manager or you can come to
online you dirty shit i'm gonna throw my shoe at you you son of an owl hello yeah hello damn it
damn it hello hello kus kus olmec yeah kus kus olmec hello hello yeah yeah hey yeah yeah yeah
how's it going buddy yeah hey buddy yeah hello that's all he's doing now yeah yeah yeah i'm
I'm getting a lot of that on PCN lately, right?
This is forward people going,
nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
Damn, it's a new thing.
He just wouldn't get mad.
Uh, yeah, I noticed that.
Oh, subway middle sex.
Yeah.
It's the subway middle sex?
Yeah, hi, how are you?
I'm in the middle of having sex right now.
Yeah, I'm fucking a subway sandwich right now.
Yeah, fuck.
Oh, yeah, it's got bacon.
So good.
It's got bacon and ham.
Damn, I'm fucking it.
It's a subway pussy.
Make an order.
Can I make an order?
One tuna and bacon.
Yeah.
Yeah, lots of mayonnaise.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
And some jalapenos to make it tingly and warm.
Okay.
And do you guys toast it?
Yeah.
Yeah, and then I'm going to unwrap it right there in the store.
I'm going to put it on the table and stand next to the table and fuck it standing up.
oh he said marichu you heard him you heard what he said motherfucker
ah yeah he was indian motherfucker guy guy he's calling back
he said it under his breath i guess he didn't want his indian coworkers to hear it
he got in trouble
all right that's enough subways guys let's get back to the good old times of the swap shop
another place we've called luck in the last few years we got someone selling various items at a
yard sale this weekend starting tomorrow including a kodak printer copier and fax machine cd player
radio blender lamps crock pot check out about that crock pot huh we'll put our weed in there
and make some can of butter.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Fuck yeah.
You got to slow that motherfucker down.
That's your hair.
Moving right along to the next one.
Your call has been forwarded to an auto...
Hey, have you watched that show,
The Vice Show on HBO?
Yes, I do.
The latest one, they had an episode,
or they had a story on legal weed in Colorado.
Yeah.
And the feds won't allow them to deal with any banks,
so all transactions are done with cash.
Yeah.
So it spawned this new security industry in Colorado.
These guys are like ex-special forces, ex-cops.
They basically just run the money and the product,
and they run it almost like the Secret Service.
It's pretty cool.
Yeah, they're all cash.
Yeah, no, they have to be all cash.
None of the banks will do it because they're afraid they'll get sanctioned.
Yeah, there's a movement, and I want to say Joe Biden's behind it.
He's from Delaware, which is like a major financial capital of the United States
right after new york is delaware to be honest with you probably miami's pretty big too for
international transactions but delaware he's of course he's the former senator out of there
and he's trying to push legislation where it's going to uh make it so if on the state level
it's legal the federal level won't go against it so the banks will actually be able to do it
but then what i heard uh this is like i ended up because i watched that i watch all the vice stuff
via their youtube and on hbo go so i saw the one you're talking about then i saw their follow-up
up on youtube youtube they always do like a three minute follow-up to each hbo episode oh cool yeah
so check that out go to youtube look for vice and uh they do a follow-up to each hbo one yeah and
they go a little bit further it's kind of cool but from there i ended up on another video and
apparently even some of the major banks so like we still won't do it because there's such there's
going to be such a stigma behind it they're afraid that there'll be movements saying oh well don't
deal with bank of america because they fund you know marijuana you know what i mean like they
They fund the drug trade, et cetera, et cetera.
So it's actually a really big problem.
That's why the state level, like it is right now, it's got to be done at the federal level.
It's still, you know, we're not 100% there.
But maybe this is the – Colorado is like an experiment.
There's also a really good Vice video if you look it up.
It came out last week.
It is one of the countries in South America is legalizing possession and sale of marijuana completely recreationally throughout their whole country.
I think it's Uruguay, Uruguay, Uruguay, whatever.
And it's a really good episode.
Like the guy smokes weed in front of the president of Uruguay.
He's like he doesn't care.
It's amazing.
It's an amazing documentary.
Yeah, you can watch it for free.
It's on YouTube on the Vice News Channel.
I highly recommend it.
Yeah, we'll check that out.
yeah yeah they make good documentaries oh yeah all their stuff is good i watch so much vice
telling you they've got several videos a day that come out and different channels they've got
my favorite is motherboard motherboard it's like technology and space and shit like that
little documentaries about that stuff like one of the guys did that you know the soil and green
product that's coming out where you're supposed to be able to just drink this product this guy
made up this guy i think he's german or something he made up a mix of all like the essential
nutrients that the body needs and it's in a powder form and you're able to he's making he's trying to
make a final formulation that you can live on and not eat anything just consume this drink three
times a day and the guy did it for three days for 30 days and he lost a ton of weight he got healthy
and he actually didn't care about like scarfing down on junk food anymore and all that stuff was
amazing he said his jaw actually his jaw was actually hurting from lack of chewing stuff
And he found himself having to chew sugar-free gum in order to not go through this intense jaw pain that came from not chewing like you would when you're just drinking stuff.
Yeah, you lose that muscle tone.
Yeah.
It was a Kickstarter program for the Soiling Green thing, and I think they're shipping out to the first however million different people signed up for it or contributed to the whatever million that they needed to get started.
It's pretty amazing stuff.
Okay, I'll shut up now.
Cool.
I recommend that, too.
Back to the want ads here, to the classifieds, where someone has a white Xbox 360 with hard drive and wireless controller.
God, I can't talk.
GTA 5, they're selling it for $120 with everything.
Okay.
Actually, that's a pretty good deal.
360 with a wireless controller and GTA 5 for $120.
I'm not pranking this so I can get them to sell it, and I'll give them extra for shipping.
Failed.
Oh, well.
Well, guess not.
Someone's got a John Deere riding mower with a grass catcher.
The bucket that goes in the back of it, I guess, right?
So you don't got to sweep after.
You need a grass catcher, man.
Fuck going around with a rake after you go through all the pushing mowers.
My parents had one of those, the lawnmowers, without the thing in the back to collect the grass.
You're always having to rake.
It's a pushing kind, so you're already in Florida in, let's say, 80, 90 degree heat, cutting the grass.
now you gotta go behind it and rake the entire
fucking yard and put it in bags and shit
my dad
my dad was like fuck this
he finally got he got a Sears card
I remember and got like a brand new Sears
mower with the big plastic thing
in the back
I haven't
needed a lawnmower since I lived in my parents house
I've been in apartments and condos ever since
fuck that I'm paying a motherfucker
to come every week to do it
Florida style man
everyone in Florida gets landscaping just about unless you
you're broke or you don't have to
call has been forwarded to an automatic
voice message system for two
all right here's a different number for those folks to
see if they answer plan on doing another
hour show here and I'm going to head out
I don't know who's going on tonight
turbo I should say right I'm not 100%
sure he's going yes expect him to
he's going on tonight good good
you can't take your call right now
message and we'll get back to you
I want to throw baby food into
the lawnmower motherfucker
no answer there baby food
Yeah, I've got to leave in about 15 minutes, personally.
Oh, do you?
All right, I got you.
Okay, here's someone searching for a good printer with ink.
Oh, wow, they want everything, don't they?
Wow.
You want the ink and everything and the cables, he says?
Hey, greedy motherfucker.
Damn.
Thanks for calling.
The party you have dialed is unavailable.
That'll be notified you called.
Great, thanks for notifying him.
I just bought a new printer the other day.
Oh, yeah?
Thanks for calling.
The party you have dialed is unavailable.
That'll be notified you called.
I don't know what that's about.
Here's someone with a four-month-old German Shepard Siberian husky mix for sale.
Aw.
Let's ask about the old sexual organs there, huh?
Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system and is not available at the time.
All right.
No answer from Christian over there.
Let's see what else we got here.
You got any more numbers, Enigma or Baz?
I don't know.
Have you posted anything that I don't know about?
You guys there?
Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
Yeah, I just posted some numbers.
Oh, Christina Hull, huh?
Yeah.
D-Hull.
holy it's called christina hall that's a sexy name christina hall i want to roll yeah is that
christina hall is that christina hall no sorry wrong number who's this baby no you're lying
you're lying oh that was m hole whoops that's my fault sorry all right here's christina hall
let's try that again whoops whoops yeah look at the address for christina hall coach coach coach
Yeah, is Christina Hall?
Oh yeah, I want to go up in that hole
and fill it up with cream pie.
Hello? Sexy, tight little thing.
Yeah, nice flesh hole.
That's the thing over there in England too.
You hit all the buttons. Hey, who else is on here,
motherfucker? That's M Hall.
M Hall. Mahal. Don't be shy.
Mahal. Alright, let's call
Gahal. G-Hall. Gahal.
Yeah, Glory Hall. Glory Hall.
Yeah, let's ask how the action is
in the Glory Hall. I have a E-Hall too.
Oh yeah.
All right, well, before my next prank call, let me play this real quick.
Hang on.
Nunu is saying that sound is them dialing 1471.
As in BT answer 1471?
Oh, that makes sense.
Just a moment.
Let me play this here real quick.
Yeah, BT answer 1471.
Then what is that?
That's just the voicemail service, right?
Or are they just trying to call back to check a message?
Message?
What am I talking about?
Message?
Message?
okay guys uh i will be uh right let me i just want to play this real quick before my next prank
this is buffing
the one year is far too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable hobbits
i don't know half of you have as well as i should like and i like less than half of you
off as well as you deserve i uh i have things to do so for too long i regret to announce this
is the end i'm going now i bid you all a very fond farewell

Comments 0

Loading comments…