Happy Carlos Day
20 Jun 2014 · 54 min · 7,741 words · source
Calls (18, 49 min of 54 min)
- Daycare yard sale caller argues with kid live 9.3 min clip ↓
- Cat doctor inquired about boarding cats live 5.0 min clip ↓
- Security Harry asked about vacuum cleaner incident live 4.1 min clip ↓
- Albertson's pharmacy gossip chain live 6.7 min clip ↓
- Store director not available live 41 s clip ↓
- Renee not found live 41 s clip ↓
- Service Deli transferred live 45 s clip ↓
- Ronnie calls Rachel at U.S. Bank live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Ronnie speaks with Rachel at U.S. Bank live 1.8 min clip ↓
- Ronnie calls Daniel at Albertsons live 1.0 min clip ↓
- Ronnie talks to Daniel at Albertsons live 1.2 min clip ↓
- Ronnie calls Madrill Hair Design live 45 s clip ↓
- Ronnie speaks with Jordan at Madrill Hair Design live 2.0 min clip ↓
- Limo company asked about smoking live 2.6 min clip ↓
- Greek store manager mistaken for gay live 2.7 min clip ↓
- Dog lost, blamed on sister-in-law live 2.0 min clip ↓
- Pitbull seller asked about dog anatomy live 1.9 min clip ↓
- Tuxedo Place requested Velcro tuxedo alterations live 4.9 min clip ↓
Transcript
You're listening to Madhouse Live.
I'm the largest prank call station in the nation.
Prank call nation.
Hello.
Yeah, hey.
I see you've got a daycare yard sale machine.
Was that starting today and shit?
No, it was actually yesterday.
Oh, fuck.
Really?
Yeah.
God damn it.
Do you have anything left, honey?
I do.
We plan on doing it again next Thursday.
say uh did you do you have any like furniture hang on just a minute stupid kid to shut up
did we have any what you could tell that stupid kid to shut up right i'm sorry you could tell
that kid to shut up is that what you did there he goes again tell him to shut up again um you're
talking about i thought you were just telling that kid to shut up and he stopped no no i said
let me get to where i can hear i'm not even at work i'm at my home oh i kind of heard you say
shut up you little and like shi i don't say that word but i heard what you said i won't tell
anybody i don't care i get frustrated too at my kids sometimes but i don't say curse words like
you just did um but whatever i hear you are you there i honestly have no clue what you're talking
about no just right now you're i guess your kid was being loud and you told him to shut up you
little shi you know that's fine i didn't say that i told you i said hang on a minute let me get
so i can hear and i said oh oh i swear yeah but you just said like the f word and db in the first
sentence would not talk to you so i really have nothing else to talk to you about oh come on no
please look i'll pay double i pay double what i'll pay double i pay double don't be like that
i really need the stuff please honey i'm sorry i said that i mean i curse i know but then you
curse at your kid like wow that's even worse right hey buddy you're looking for them max
racing card machines yes oh yeah do you like playing the game or are you just a collector
or you masturbate or what oh and i said of 88 max racing cards oh i'm new to the area i live over
you know horse machine ranch that they're building out here i bought i bought a unit there it's uh
townhouses horse machine ranch on horse machine ranch road new sub development they're making here
It's townhouses and apartments.
It's all new construction here in town.
What town?
Here in our town that we live in, Tennessee.
What town do you live in?
I live in Horse Machine Ranch.
It's kind of like it's in between Bulls Gap and Rogersville.
I'm not familiar with it.
I know.
It's all new construction out here.
They're trying to make a new city, like a new township, they're going to call it.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, they're going to have a nice civic center over here,
and they're talking about making a little hockey arena even.
Yep.
Anyway, so, yeah, do you like to play with it?
I like to play a lot of card games, racing motherfuckers, you know,
and stuff like that.
I got a whole bunch of sets.
I got commons.
I got Black Lotus card.
A master set of 88 maturation.
Yeah.
I was needing a couple of commons and a few of the Myrtle Beach.
I got the whole Myrtle Beach set.
How much do you want to pay for it?
The whole set, mint condition, motherfucker.
fucker i've got i've got dale earnhardt's uh autographed and everything i've got a max 88
dale earnhardt autographed with a certificate of authenticity it's in a 10 pound acrylic um
like holding like a brick it's almost like a brick it's what nasa used to put uh moon rocks
they were putting little segments of moon rocks and sending them out to schools and stuff and
and they all disappeared, but it was like this really thick plexiglass-looking
big chunk of brick, and in the middle is a Dale Earnhardt card.
It actually has an LED light in the bottom.
You can hit a switch, and the whole thing lights up.
Oh, it looks beautiful.
It's got him right.
I mean, it's got him, you know, with the good wrench hat on, you know,
the old black good wrench racing hat on the old team that he was on, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's an $81 card by itself, but, I mean,
I mean, I've got an autograph, certificate of authenticity.
He's got the whole thing and everything.
I'll give it to you for $50 because I'm trying to, like, I don't know.
I'm new in town, and I've hooked up with a person, and he's got some ice.
So I'm just trying to cash in on some of the collectibles here that I found when I was moving out in my old place in New York City.
What would you have to have at Myrtle Beach?
I've got the whole Myrtle Beach set.
I'll give it to you for $45.
A factory box?
it's in a factory sealed limited edition complete box with it's got a dale earnhardt uh look like a
box with dale earnhardt that they made that max made uh for this limited edition it's one of 100
of them that were all sold it's autographed by dale earnhardt too with certificate authenticity
and everything it comes with a big safe a big metal fireproof safe and you put in the combination
into the safe and the door opens like the big latch and inside there's a shelf and there's
there's like um what do you call you know those uh deck chairs that are they sell at walmart real
cheap for like 10 bucks you know in the summertime you know i'm talking about yeah those uh like
those plastic resin chairs you know what i'm talking about yeah it's got one and it's in there
actually it's this thing is the size of a closet this vault so you actually it's got a big it looks
Looks like it comes from a bank.
The dial's really big and it's got a big latch.
It goes like that.
And there's like all these bolts that go all down the line.
It's awesome.
And it needs three-phase power.
But then you open the big vault, and inside there, there's one of them plastic resin chairs.
And on top of the chair is this Dale Earnhardt.
It's a limited edition Max 88 race card Myrtle Beach set box.
and the box is the shape of his car and it's got a picture of him driving it and then it's
autographed and then it has a polaroid of dale earnhardt autographing this exact one so you
know for a fact you know and he's actually showing the the number that says 12 out of 100
he's actually showing us so you can see it and he's got the sharpie in his hand while he's signing
and it's Dale Earnhardt and then it also has
a certificate of authenticity from NASCAR itself
and Dale Earnhardt Enterprises it says on it
and I'll give that to you $45
the vault and everything you just got to hook up
that three face power, a power company can install
they just got to put in some extra equipment at your house
they put like a transformer outside and they bring in these
big cables probably through your garage and they hook
that up there so the vault can operate
And you need a copper, like a regular landline, voice line, so that it'll get back to the security company for monitoring.
But that's on you.
Or you can just leave the door open on it and leave it in your garage or your back room or something.
$45.
Oh, this is great.
I can stop sucking dicks because I've been sucking dicks for money for ice and methamphetamines and stuff.
I always just get him by taking sinus medication.
I love a kill.
Cat doctor, this is Teresa.
Hey, honey, baby.
I see that this place offers a hotel or condo.
Oh, fuck.
Cat doctor, this is Cheyenne.
Yes, hello, Cheyenne.
Good afternoon.
I'm inquiring about your cat hotel or is it cat condos that you have there?
Uh-huh.
I'm going out of town.
I'm going to a fetish convention in Oregon, Portland.
Okay.
And I'm new in town in Boise.
But I have all the paperwork.
He is up on his shots and vaccinations and checkups.
I just got this done because I just moved here from New York City, you know.
And they require it at the apartment complex.
She was putting her finger in my face and said, you better bring the papers or I'm going to kick you out in the street.
She said, anyway.
Oh, my goodness.
Yeah, that's why I don't want to leave the cat here alone because there was one of the maintenance men here.
came in and he didn't know that i have a webcam system here for protection and he was like petting
the cat and everything and he was like taking off his clothes and doing like a sexual dance
and everything using my stereo system in front of my cat oh that's very strange he got fired
and everything wow and he gave me a 30 gift certificate to i think it's chili's that's down
the street here as an apology look anyway so i gotta go out of town and i want to bring in my
cat chester what um what dates are you looking for well hopefully for this weekend the convention
is this weekend and whatnot um unfortunately we are full through the second week of august
what is all right for next time what are the rates there for two cats see chester the neighbor's
female cat they hang out together and i think they're of age maybe they can you know together
okay are they spayed and neutered or not no no no this way we can put them together for like a
a whole weekend maybe in the same little cage or condo and they can probably you know mate yeah if
they're not spayed and neutered we can't do that we don't do any sort of breeding services here
no no it's not breeding it's just to wash the cats because i'm gonna be out of town but i want
them together you can't stop them from fucking you know we yeah we can't put them together if
they're not spayed and neutered okay they're spayed and neutered well we would know the
difference no i can give you the rates the rates are 34 a night for two cats yeah um if if they're
are not both yours though you you would have to have the neighbor bring in their her cat or his
cat or whatever oh and then it would mean $19 a night per cat well together i know but you can't
board someone else's cat well i have permission i have permission though i have permission i have a
note they'd have to come in and do paperwork and then and sign off okay fine yeah all right
they'll give consent and everything but i'm keeping the the kittens i'm i get to keep half
Half of the litter.
The event of an uneven number of surviving kittens from the birth, then I get the plus one, goes to me.
So, for example, nine kittens being born, I would get the five, she would get the four.
Right, I understand.
Yeah.
I have it all laid out.
I'm an attorney.
I'm a lawyer.
You're welcome to come by and take a tour if you'd like.
Yeah, and I want to see the policy.
I want to see the policies.
Do you have all that paperwork there regarding this banning and neutering?
I'd like to go over it, see if there are any loopholes or any way that I can get around that.
We can negotiate, you know?
It's not negotiable.
Well, I'm sure you have this all documented somewhere in your charter.
I'll have to go over that then.
It's an in-house policy.
Okay, so I can go over the policy then.
That's fine.
No, it's not negotiable.
I offer this service free of charge for you.
Usually I charge $45 an hour for a legal reading.
I usually pass it off to one of the paralegals here, but I'll take care of it myself.
I'm sure you don't have that much to read regarding the actual business charter,
the business plan that you have there and everything.
Do you also have your workman's compensation insurance information?
I'll need a copy of that.
Is there anything else I can do for you?
Yes, I also need a copy of all your new hire paperwork.
Hey, Security Harry, this is Star. May I help you?
Hey, how are you doing, big star?
I'm doing terrific.
Okay, so how often do you, the vacuum cleaner is there?
Excuse me, say that again?
The vacuum cleaner is there?
Yes.
That I use on the car?
Yes.
How often do you guys empty those out?
Because you know how you have access to those 24 hours a day there?
Yes.
All right, so around 3.15 in the morning, I was.
On what day?
This morning.
This morning?
That would still be in there.
Okay, listen.
Here's what happened, honey, okay?
I was on my way to work, and sometimes I stopped by to vacuum, to use the vacuum machine there.
Uh-huh.
To be honest, all right, so I lost my wedding ring.
It has got lost a dime.
Oh, shit, you're in trouble.
But here's why.
Here's the problem.
So tell me what vacuum you were in, hon.
Okay, listen.
Listen, I park on the one furthest away because I don't want to be on camera because what I do is...
Okay, we don't have cameras here, so calm down.
Oh, good.
But listen, I put my windows down, like I put my driver's window down, and I park right next to it.
And then I sit inside...
Okay, so are you coming in?
I sat inside...
Are you coming in off?
Listen, I sat inside the car, and I bring the tube in through the open window.
Yes.
And I unzip my pants a little bit, you know, and I put the vacuum there.
I don't want to hear all that.
Okay, but that's what I do, all right?
So I think I thought you guys knew about it already.
Tell me what vacuum you were at off of what street, off of Ustick or off of Mitchell?
Mitchell.
Okay, the one closest to the dentist's office, the fence.
Yeah.
Okay, I will open that and see if I can find you a ready link.
Okay, can you not tell anyone about it, even my wife?
Because I do that about once a week.
I stop there, and I masturbate in the vacuum when it's turned on.
You didn't even need to tell me that.
I know, but the other day, like, a cop, I think, saw me, but he kind of went after me, but I got away real quick.
Like, I zipped up, and I just drove, and I don't know if maybe he had told you guys about it, that they were patrolling extra or anything like that.
They do that anyway because open containers and excessive noise because we're in a residential, and so they patrol heavy down here for that reason.
They'll come in and ticket you for drinking alcohol.
okay yeah well yeah i think i don't i don't know if he knew he probably thought i was doing
something weird but i i had like my i had a peanut my penis was out you know and it was inside the
vacuum machine and i had spent about i think eight dollars at that point like it was taking me a long
time because i just i had just gotten on lexapro a few weeks ago it's like a antidepressant but it
has the thing where it takes me you take a long time until you actually okay i'm gonna check my
my vacuum okay um listen honey if you're gonna do that put like some gloves on because there's
like ejaculate like right in there's gotta be i mean i always do i came like a gallon inside
your machine this morning i always glove up because i was so fucking horny this morning i
just okay i must have your number i must have shut about halfway up the tube that's how your
I'm calling your number, hon.
So I can call you back in a few minutes.
It's 620-2014.
6-0?
620-2014.
Okay, I can't hear it over the noise.
I got 620.
Yeah, motherfucker.
What's the last phone number?
2014.
Okay, thank you.
Okay, bye.
Thank you for calling Albertson's on East Street 5 Mile.
How can I help you?
I'm sorry, what was your name?
This is Albertson's.
How can I help you?
No, your name.
Oh, Renee.
Oh, Renee, I'm sorry.
Yeah, Deli's waiting for my call, or the Butcher Block, one of the two.
The Butcher Block?
Well, I guess, yeah.
Butcher Block, please.
Okay, one moment.
This is the meat department.
This is Drew.
Hey, Drew.
What's up?
It's Ronnie from the lobby department.
It's who?
Ronnie from the lobby department.
The laundry department?
Lobby department.
Oh, hey.
What's up, man?
Dude, Renee at the desk at the courtesy booth.
Okay.
Did you hear what she was saying about you, Drew?
uh no she said that all you like mfers she's up here saying right now all you mfr all the mfers
in the butcher block are always um like messing up she said the orders that they were put you
guys were putting in the wrong plus when you were printing out the labels for the meat that you were
cutting she said that they had a whole bunch of complaints today she was like drew that i saw
drew drinking she was saying i'm like and i told her drew doesn't drink i know for a fact he's
He's like, oh, no, he goes back there all the time.
You'll see he goes in there.
He goes to the cabinet, and he sneaks a swig out of something,
and he tries to hide it, and he puts it back, and he goes back to work.
Yeah.
Well, that's weird.
Are you guys cool at all?
Me and Renee?
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, I see Renee like once a week when I pick up my check.
Do you have any idea why she'd be saying something like that?
No, not really.
I mean, no idea.
It's real messed up.
She was up there talking about the lazy people in the lobby department
and drugs in the drug department.
Yeah, totally.
She was saying racist jokes.
Well, yeah.
I mean, I don't want to really get into anything like that.
I know.
That's sick.
Well, on the other side, I'll let you know.
Hey, can you page Deli to pick up the call real quick and let me talk to them?
Yeah, sure.
I'll park you real fast.
One second.
All right, thanks.
Hi, yes.
Who is this?
Hello?
What did you say?
Oh, hey.
Hey, this is Ronnie from the lobby department.
Who's this?
It said there was a call for the pharmacy and for the one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm Ronnie from the lobby department.
Oh.
Oh, hey, what's up?
Listen, Renee and Drew were just over here.
And you know that new courtesy clerk, Neil?
No.
Okay.
Anyway, the three of them said that you were going into one of the cabinets back there
in between customers and taking swigs or something.
and Drew was saying that he smelled like codeine cough syrup on your breath?
Okay, that again?
There was somebody going through cough syrup back here?
Renee from the courtesy booth.
Okay, from the lottery.
Yeah.
Or from behind the counter.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then Drew in the butcher block.
You know him?
Okay.
Yeah.
And then that one new courtesy clerk, Neil.
Okay, I haven't met him, so I don't know who he is, but I know the other two.
okay all right well anyway um i don't think anyone else from the front end was there i think it was
just neil he's new they were all they were all here saying that the pharmacy is going to get
shut down um that they said that you were um drinking something you in between customers
you would go back um i guess to like a cabinet or something there and you they could see you
taking swigs and then drew was like it's probably codeine cough syrup and then renee was like yeah
Yeah, it totally smelled like cough syrup when I saw her earlier, she said.
And they said, who was it?
Renee up front and Drew from the butcher block.
And then that new courtesy clerk, Neil.
I think he's Indian or something.
Did they say he was taking it?
You.
Yeah.
I'm Ronnie.
I work here.
I'm in the lobby department.
What was the name they used?
They said the ladies, they said that the person who's in the pharmacy right now is what they said.
There's five of us.
I know.
There's six of us in the pharmacy right now.
Maybe it was you.
Okay.
I don't know.
I'm just calling to give you a heads up.
Like, if it was you or one of the other ones, you might want to, like, dump it or something real quick before they, you know, I don't know.
They seem pissed off.
Renee especially was like, Renee was like, I'm going to, she was saying, like, F-U-C, like that, you know, the whole word.
She was saying it out, not spelling it.
The pharmacy, F-U-C, the grocery department, she said.
Okay, well, do you want to talk to the pharmacist manager here?
Yeah, okay, who's that?
Okay, his name is Judd, and so I'll put you on hold for him
because he's helping a customer right now.
All right, okay, all right, bye.
Okay, I'll put you on hold really quick.
Okay, bye.
Thanks for holding, this is Judd.
How can I help you?
Hey, Judd, this is Ronnie from the lobby department.
What's up, man?
From the what department?
Lobby department.
Oh, okay.
Hey, you know Drew back in the butcher block?
What's that?
You know Drew back in the butcher block?
No.
Okay, he's one of the guys at the butcher block.
Anyway, you know Rene, though, right, at the front?
No.
You don't know who Rene from the front booth is?
No.
How long have you been working here, dude?
13 months.
And you don't know who Rene is?
No.
I never grab the tails or anything.
You don't grab any tails, and how do you get your paycheck, then?
That's been direct deposit for the last 11.5 years.
Same account and everything.
Anyway, so there's a girl named Renee who is at the front booth all the time.
Anyway, so her and Drew from the back of the store from the butcher block were talking a lot of trash about you.
Okay.
Yeah, and who was it that I was just talking to now?
Marissa, maybe?
Yeah, Marissa.
She was just telling me now that she thinks you're drinking codeine cough syrup in the back.
Is that for real?
Those sound like something that should probably be referred to April or April's boss, Darcy.
Well, she just told me that.
I was calling to see if this is true about the argument that Drew and Renee had in front of the pharmacy.
The what?
Drew and Renee had a big fight in front of the pharmacy.
Oh, okay.
I guess Drew was off the clock, but he still had his stuff with him from the butcher block, and he was shopping.
And a customer asked him a question, and he said, I'm not on the clock right now.
Now, I'm sorry.
And Renee came by and was like, you can't say that to the customers.
And he's like, well, I'm off the effing clock.
You didn't hear that fight?
Everyone's been talking about it all day.
Yeah.
This happened earlier today.
You didn't hear about it?
Yeah.
Anyway.
So, yeah.
So, apparently, what's her face right now?
She was saying all this stuff about you.
Okay.
I think Judd's sipping on the codeine cough syrup in the back.
He keeps ducking out, ducking back back there and taking swigs and coming back.
Yeah, whatever.
Like I said, April and Darcy should be informed that she really thinks that.
Yeah, can you get...
Pull all the tape they want.
Can you get April then on the line?
Can you page her for me?
What's that?
Can you page them?
No, I'm not going to call them on myself.
That'll look weird.
Have someone else call if they think that there's malfeasance going on back here.
Well, put that one girl back on and I'll figure it out from there.
Okay, all right.
Thanks.
Hello?
Yeah, can you page April for me, please?
I need to talk to her.
It's Ronnie from the lobby department.
It's a whole different building, isn't she?
She's in, like, the district office building, or is she on...
Well, can you put the store director on?
Can I put you on hold for a second?
Okay, thanks.
Thanks.
She just hung up.
Fucking bitch.
This is Oliver.
How are you?
Hey, this is Judd from the pharmacy.
Who is it that you'd like to talk to?
I'm trying to get a hold of Renee.
Renee?
Yeah, she's apparently talking.
She actually just got off work a little while ago.
Well, she's talking trash about me and the girls here at the pharmacy.
She was talking trash about me and the girls here in the pharmacy right now.
Drew from the butcher block, was this back here?
I have no idea.
Do you know Drew from the butcher block?
What?
Do you know Drew in the butcher block?
Yeah.
Okay.
He just was over here and told me all about the problem, I guess, between me and Renee, that we had a big fight.
I don't.
All right, listen, can you transfer me to the deli?
Can you get someone in deli, please?
It's going to be all right.
Yeah, yeah, sure, it's fine.
I just need to put an order.
All right.
Hurry up.
Service Deli, may I help you?
Yeah, hey, it's Ronnie from the lobby department.
What's up?
Hi, what can we do for you?
Who's this?
This is Teresa in the Service Deli.
Oh, Teresa, listen, you know Drew from the Butcher Block?
Yes.
Oh, my God.
He was just over here.
He was bragging that he's been drinking today,
that he's drunk off his A-S-S, he said, that he didn't give an S-H-I-T.
And then he said, you know Judd from the pharmacy?
He's been here for about a year now.
Then who was?
You know Judd from the pharmacy?
Oh, okay, yeah.
Okay, listen.
Apparently, they're saying that they like to take, like,
the coding cough syrup from back there in the pharmacy together.
They, like, take swabs.
So I think maybe you should speak with the manager about this,
the store manager.
No, I just want to let you know.
And then, you know, Renee?
Well, letting me know is not going to do you any good.
I just work in the deli, and this sounds like something you would want to speak with the store manager about.
No, but apparently Renee was talking about you is why I'm trying to let you know.
He was talking about me.
Me personally.
Renee was talking about you, yeah.
Okay, and who are you again?
She said that you couldn't get your paycheck because you bounced the check, she said.
Who are you again?
I'm Ronnie from the lobby department.
Do I know you?
Well, I've been working here for a few years now.
I'd hope so.
I know just about everybody here.
Okay, well, how about this?
is I will go ahead and I will speak with my store's director about this.
Okay, yeah, totally.
You should because Renee is just giving out all your information.
She's like she bounced a check once and they found out
and they're going to hold her paycheck until she resolves it, they said,
that they were going to get a lien.
There was going to be a lien placed on your check or something,
your paycheck they were saying.
Okay, thank you.
I'll go take care of this right now.
Yeah, seriously, go.
I'm your assistant at Home for Loans.
This is Rachel.
How may I help you?
Hey, it's Ronnie from here in the lobby department.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, you know Renee and, well, do you know Teresa from the deli?
Uh-huh.
She apparently was just over here saying some really nasty stuff about you guys.
Okay.
Yeah.
So I guess Renee and Drew were, they got caught in the freezer back in the butcher blog,
and they said something about anal release or something like that.
Are you trying to reach Albertsons?
No.
Well, I work here at Albertsons.
I'm in the lobby department.
Who's this?
This is Rachel at U.S. Bank.
Yeah, yeah.
You're here at the store.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I work at the lobby department here.
Okay.
I'm Ronnie.
Listen.
All right.
But you know, like, Drew and Renee.
Drew works in meat, you know, the butcher block.
And you know Renee that gives out the paychecks and all that from the front office, the front booth?
I'm there.
Are you trying to reach the one on Ustick and Five Mile?
Yeah.
For U.S. Bank?
U.S.?
Yeah, you're in the store.
Yes.
Let me put you on hold.
I currently am dealing with customers.
Oh, what are they?
One second.
You got a lot of deposits today.
It's payday, right?
Huh?
Payday today, right?
You guys are pretty busy.
We're slammed up here.
Yeah.
We're slammed up here, too.
Yeah.
All right.
I'll be here.
Hurry up.
Okay.
All right.
Bye.
Thank you.
How much would it be here?
They don't.
Yeah.
Hey.
Hello.
Hello.
Yeah, it's Ronnie.
What happened?
I don't know.
Were you speaking with somebody else?
This is the first time I'm speaking with you.
Yeah, Rachel?
Oh, no, this is Tamika.
Oh, hey, what's up?
Oh, you're the black girl, right?
Would you like to hold and speak with Rachel?
I'll talk to you, though.
I don't mind.
Okay, I'm a customer.
I don't mind getting a little bit of brown sugar in my coffee, if you know what I mean.
You there?
Yes, I'm here to find Mrs. Haley.
How can I help you?
Oh, hey, baby.
How are you?
Good.
How are you doing?
I'm doing good.
It's nice to talk to you, sexy.
I actually have no idea who this is.
I was just saying that.
Oh, hey, it's Daniel.
Daniel.
Yeah.
I work at the Albertsons down the street
Oh and you know me or you were just
Yeah yeah I know you
What do you mean
I was just
What do you mean
You said okay you know me
Or you're just
That's what you said
What does that mean
I have no idea
Are you calling for me right now
Yeah but what does the second part mean
Or are you just
What's that supposed to mean
It doesn't make any sense.
I mean, like, I'm so confused because I don't remember who you are.
No, but you said, do you know me or are you just, like, I don't know.
That's not even a word.
It means I'm confused.
It means I cannot think of a word right now to explain how I'm feeling because I have no idea who this is.
Yeah, but that's not a word.
It's like a primal, you know.
Daniel from Albertson.
Dan LaPointe.
Daniel Pointe.
LaPointe.
LaPointe.
Yeah.
And you have an appointment with somebody today or is it with me?
Well, I like an appointment with you.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Well, I have a client coming in any minute.
Yeah.
Can you just wash my hair?
Because, I mean, you washed my hair before, and you get your bosom, like, right up in there.
Oh, okay.
I remember, yeah.
Yeah.
You know when you get the back of the head, you get your, like, right in front of there?
Oh, so good.
Shit.
Good.
Well, I'm going to have to reschedule this for another day.
Oh, why?
Because I don't have anything right now.
What about when you, do you close up?
because I had a fantasy where, like, you would do that,
but just in your bra, you know what I mean?
Thanks for calling the drill.
This is Jordan.
How can I help you?
Oh, no, I've got to talk to that one girl.
I don't need to talk to you.
What was that?
I don't need to talk to a dude.
No, thank you.
Okay, can I get you someone else?
Well, if you're a male hairdresser, that means you're gay, right?
Yes, okay.
Well, all the time.
And I don't want to be at risk of catching the HIV virus, you know?
What was that?
I don't want to be at risk of catching the HIV virus because you're using cutting utensils.
I don't know what those guys do.
I don't know what they have.
Thanks for calling Madrill Hair Design.
This is Crystal.
How can I help you?
Hey, Crystal, are you done?
Is this Daniel again?
Yeah.
You need to not call back here.
Why?
Tell me why.
If you give me a good reason why, then I won't.
You need to stop prank calling this salon.
Can you put the guy back on so I can apologize, the gay dude?
No, you know.
I command you.
Hello?
Hello, sir?
Hello, can I help you?
Hey, how are you?
I wanted to get a hair wash in.
Well, we're all booked today.
Okay, but...
You should try that tomorrow.
I know.
I just want to make sure, like, it's not that one...
You know, you have the effeminate man there.
I really don't want him cutting my hair, because I don't know what he has.
He could have HIV or something like that.
Well, then, you know, I suggest maybe you try some play cells.
No, you can't do that.
You can't do that.
Yeah, no, we can.
You can't say that.
you can't say that yes we can refuse service to anyone and if you call back i can report you
you're not you're not gonna know it's me and i can call the cops i can talk loud too
hey how you doing buddy good hey when we're driving let's say if i get a limousine machine
does the driver do we have a partition so the driver doesn't see me in the back masturbating
and fucking. Really?
Do you have a smoking policy? Is there a smoking
deposit I can pay? No.
No, there's no smoking in any of our vehicles.
And what if I were to smoke
something? That's not going to happen.
The run will be over and you'll be charged. There's a $500
fine for that. Oh, so there's a fee.
So I can pay $500 to smoke all I want?
Nope. We don't have any
smoking in our vehicles.
So then there's no fine. Then I'm not going to
have to pay a penalty then. You are if you smoke
in it, yes. Alright, so I'll pay it up
right and I'll smoke. Okay. You're mentioning
an appointment what can i help you with sir okay i just want to i want to book a ride right it's
going to be in two weeks but i'll pay the 500 up front so i can smoke we're not doing no we don't
do that we don't offer any smoking i'm taking care of the fine it doesn't matter that's going
to be a complete cleaning thing you're trying to do this up front so this this doesn't work that
way sorry well you can try and do that with somebody else so if you'd like to well the
problem is like if you include it in the purchase price then my company won't know
No, you know, but if it gets added, tacked on afterwards, separate,
then they're going to be asking why there's a $500 add-on afterwards.
So I'm going to pay it up front.
No, we're not going to allow that.
Sorry, sir.
What were you asking there at the end?
I said if you want to try another company that may work with you on something like that.
No, you can't do that.
You can't do that.
You can't do that.
Can't do what?
You can't do what you're trying to do.
I know my rights.
You can't do that.
Uh-uh.
Okay, whatever.
All right, sir.
Can you give me a number for another motherfucker?
i'll see you later look it up yourself you will see shit motherfucker
hey it's me again i called about the wedding ring you find yeah i didn't find it in there
was there a lot of stuff in there no because i had cleaned it out um just the day before
oh there was nothing in there so well look what happened have a great day i found it i found it
yeah are you guys greek i were greek hey i'm irish but the store is greek oh
Can you put Gus on?
I'm sorry?
Gus?
I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
Is Gus there or Nick there?
The food we serve here is Greek, yes.
Okay, but I wanted to talk to the Greek guy.
Is Nick there or Gus?
You want to talk to him?
Yeah.
Can I ask who's calling?
It's Tony.
Tony?
Tony?
Yeah, what's up?
He says one second.
Okay.
He's just moving the meat.
Who's that?
Is that Gus?
I'm sorry?
Who is that?
Ramon.
Oh, okay, thanks.
The Greek guy.
Thank you, thank you.
All right.
Hello.
Yeah, listen, how are you?
Hi, who is this?
Hey, how you doing?
Look, this is Pustis Malaka.
Who?
Pustis Malaka.
Hey, what's up, man?
That's you.
Yep.
You are Pustis Malaka.
How do you know that, man?
Because you're a gay.
You're a gay that masturbates.
A gay masturbator.
Hey, what's up?
Oh, okay.
Yeah, your food is a shit.
It's okay.
Okay.
Hey.
What?
Why you don't come and visit me?
Why?
You want to have sex, Pustis Malaka?
Of course.
Of course.
You want to have Malaka with me?
Well, no problem, eh?
Okay, yeah, we'll masturbate together.
Okay.
Okay, and we'll masturbate in the Giro, in the Giro.
No problem.
Yeah, I'm from Kos.
What?
Where are you from?
I'm from Kos.
Where are you from?
From where?
I'm from Kos.
I used to live in Thessaloniki.
Oh, really?
Where are you from, motherfucker?
Hey, I'm international, okay?
Oh, you're a fucking malaca.
Yeah.
Okay, go fuck yourself and go to hell and go to shit your mouth.
Okay, man.
No problem.
Go put shit in your mouth.
Bye.
Motherfucker.
Excuse me.
May I help you?
Yeah, Dutch Goose?
Excuse me.
Hey, did you hear?
What's up?
Yeah, Big Mark.
How you doing, fatty?
I'm good.
How are you?
Good.
Did you find the dog machine?
No, I haven't found him yet.
We're still looking.
Oh, why'd you lose him?
Why'd you lose him?
What happened?
Are you stupid?
Well, I went to work, and I left him with my sister-in-law.
Okay.
And I thought she would be extra careful, and when I'm away from him, he's desperate to get back to me.
And she's probably fucking stupid, right?
Pretty much, if you want to know the truth.
Yeah, she is, and so is the dog.
Anyway, so I think what was going on is the dog wasn't happy with what you did, leaving her with that witch, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah, and you were probably abusing it too, weren't you?
No, I was, he was, like, the most important thing in my life.
Oh, okay.
How big are the dog's sexual organs?
What?
How big are the dog's?
You're, like, tripping, dude, so I'm going to, like, let you go.
I hope you find your dog.
I'm sorry.
It's not nice.
I hope you find dog, okay?
No, no, it's okay.
You're kind of tripping, so I'll let you go.
Okay, fine, yeah.
I don't hope.
You're right.
Stupid.
I'm apologizing and saying I hope you find the dog.
Asshole.
Jesus.
Mr. Sensitive.
yeah hey buddy how are you i'm doing all right how you doing i'm drinking i got a strawberry
smoothie who the fuck is this oh travis right yeah it's uh danny who danny i don't know you
yeah you got some uh pitbulls for sale motherfucker yeah all right how old are the
motherfuckers right now five weeks all right god damn it right and you did you guys um
make them yourselves the mom and the daddy dog did they fuck for you guys or what yeah pretty
Pretty much.
Okay, now how big are the dog's sexual organs right now?
I'm forgetting.
What do you mean?
Come on.
You can't do that.
You can't do that.
Come on.
To hear the Tuxedo Department hours, press 1.
For the Tuxedo Department, press 2.
Thanks for choosing Kip Top Sex.
This is Jacob.
Ba-ba.
Ba-ba.
Hello.
Ba-ba.
Excuse me?
Ba-ba.
I'm so sorry.
I can't understand you.
Are you looking for somebody, or?
Yeah, yeah.
I was calling about some prices, baby.
Oh, okay.
Gotcha.
What's the occasion?
asian okay so were we looking to rent or purchase were you looking for tuxedos well hopefully rent
uh or i can purchase and have you do the alterations
yeah most part at least as far as our rentals go there are complete packages so it'll be
everything that you would need so pants uh shirt vest and tie and then jacket obviously
condoms underwear in addition would be like uh shoes they're only an extra 10 bucks and the
the underwear and condoms um those ones no definitely not unfortunately that would be a
nice full package unfortunately but yeah the full package that's what they call me that's what the
ladies call me the full package well i'm sure that's a fitting name for you yeah shut the fuck
up what i'm asking was she shut the fuck up was there anything else yeah shut the fuck up real
quick the question was do you do alterations if i'm sure you don't have this one i need the pants
that have the Velcro going down the legs?
Okay, that one we definitely don't have.
All right, so you can do the alteration then, just so I can grab them.
We only do alterations on our rental product, not on our retail product.
You only do alterations on your rental products?
Correct, as far as, like, pant lengths or waist or anything like that
that's only on our rental product.
All right, shut up.
I don't care about that.
All right, so the alterations, and we'll do the Velcro going down the legs
so that I can just yank it off real quick.
Yeah, it's a surprise for my mom.
Okay.
Yeah, I'm going to yank him off real quick, you know, and have my penis out there as...
Okay, well, we don't do any alterations.
Was there anything else I could help you with at all, sir?
Yeah.
Okay, well, definitely give us a call back if there's anything that we can certainly help you out with.
We don't do any alterations or anything with Velcro, so I apologize there, sir.
Yes, I had a question about the alterations.
About, I'm sorry, the alterations?
Yes.
We only do our in-house alterations to get our pants and our coats out.
Yeah, I know.
No, so I need Velcro going down the legs because I'm going to rip them off in front of my mother and go.
Yeah, we won't do that to our tux pants.
I'll do them.
I'm doing it.
At this part, I do.
I'm sorry, where are you calling from?
My apartment.
Okay, well, you called the wrong number.
This is Tuxedo Place.
You understand?
Yep, you called the business office?
I command you to consider my request and listen to what I have to say
and do exactly what I say.
I command you and I order it.
I really don't appreciate it being treated like that or talked to like that.
Hey, a labia.
You know what a labia is?
Oh, God.
Hello?
Yeah, you have porcelain dolls?
This is Alice?
Yeah, go ask Alice.
I think she'll know.
What?
Alice?
This is Alice.
What do you want?
I'm supposed to ask you because they think you'll know the logic and something.
I have no idea.
You have the porcelain.
I have no idea who you are.
Listen, you stupid bitch.
You have the porcelain dolls?
Hello?
You heard that, fucker.
All right, I'm done.
Bye.
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