MadhouseSearch

R.I.P. B.I.G.

24 Jun 2014 · 3 h 35 min · 29,067 words · source

Calls (85, 2 h 59 min of 3 h 35 min)
  1. Care Paraval Latin School asked about Latin live 1.2 min clip ↓
  2. Popcorn machine showroom inquiry live 1.5 min clip ↓
  3. Hills pet food customer about chocolate syrup live 8.0 min clip ↓
  4. Nikon camera store about springs live 58 s clip ↓
  5. Kevin's office phone call with Leon live 1.4 min clip ↓
  6. Man calls Alicia at Chipotle live 1.3 min clip ↓
  7. Jersey Mike's customer about sneeze guard live 1.1 min clip ↓
  8. Calls Katie at management services live 34 s clip ↓
  9. Calls French Law Office live 44 s clip ↓
  10. Calls receptionist Audrey live 2.1 min clip ↓
  11. Calls back Audrey about numbers and labia live 1.8 min clip ↓
  12. Burrell's Loose receptionist call live 1.3 min clip ↓
  13. Barker Printing banner inquiry live 1.0 min clip ↓
  14. Stupid Dogs of Topeka prank call live 2.6 min clip ↓
  15. Leon Victors orders bench hug live 1.4 min clip ↓
  16. McDonald's food order with insults live 1.3 min clip ↓
  17. McDonald's coffee temperature complaint live 35 s clip ↓
  18. Pet grooming appointment for aggressive pit bull live 5.1 min clip ↓
  19. Red Robin customer complaint about burger and service live 4.9 min clip ↓
  20. Historical Society about Bleeding Kansas live 1.2 min clip ↓
  21. Historical Society automated menu ivr 52 s clip ↓
  22. Furniture Off Kansas protection plan discussion live 7.5 min clip ↓
  23. Longhorn Steakhouse employee prank call live 2.0 min clip ↓
  24. GameStop employee flirtation with Men's Warehouse worker live 1.8 min clip ↓
  25. Madhouse radio show intro live 30 s clip ↓
  26. Chipotle order with insults live 30 s clip ↓
  27. Lumber Liquidators ordered wood live 2.8 min clip ↓
  28. Sears automotive fuel pump repair live 1.9 min clip ↓
  29. Life insurance company for car repair live 2.5 min clip ↓
  30. Sears Auto Center mechanic insurance call live 6.0 min clip ↓
  31. Flaming Bananas Foster with owl spectacle live 4.6 min clip ↓
  32. Westridge Animal Hospital duck pregnancy live 2.1 min clip ↓
  33. Peterson Publications fake newspaper live 1.0 min clip ↓
  34. American Family insurance policy on mechanic live 1.3 min clip ↓
  35. Sears Auto Center mechanic insurance call live 1.1 min clip ↓
  36. Dr. Hamilton Wilson-Hendrickson tooth emergency live 3.6 min clip ↓
  37. William reports injury to dental clinic live 1.4 min clip ↓
  38. Leon calls Church of the Machine live 43 s clip ↓
  39. Lana calls Jade Travel for train ticket live 2.9 min clip ↓
  40. Customer asks about glass partitions and baseball bat live 49 s clip ↓
  41. Ordering food at restaurant live 3.5 min clip ↓
  42. Senior care asking for Don Cricon live 1.3 min clip ↓
  43. Asking about seniors' incontinence at Homestead live 45 s clip ↓
  44. Hy-Vee deli employee about Ben's rumors live 3.6 min clip ↓
  45. McDonald's customer about iced coffee injury live 1.9 min clip ↓
  46. Batteries Plus Bullets about shipping batteries to break window live 3.8 min clip ↓
  47. Bullfrogs on One hot dog inquiry live 35 s clip ↓
  48. Bullfrogs on One soccer game in Spanish request live 8.6 min clip ↓
  49. Hotel front desk requests coffee for coworker live 1.3 min clip ↓
  50. Caller confused about Starbucks location live 1.0 min clip ↓
  51. Caller angry about wrong Starbucks live 30 s clip ↓
  52. Caller pretends to be Illuminati live 54 s clip ↓
  53. Caller says 'Triple B, never from dream' playback 48 s clip ↓
  54. Fox Studio employee reports lost ring in vacuum live 6.6 min clip ↓
  55. Caller asks about power outlet in men's restroom live 2.8 min clip ↓
  56. Nijia Market cocktail store IVR ivr 2.1 min clip ↓
  57. AT&T transfer to Unique Pizza ivr 1.5 min clip ↓
  58. Ralph bakery employee questioned about masturbation live 2.3 min clip ↓
  59. Best Buy camera department bat test request live 2.7 min clip ↓
  60. Aquarium dolphin sexual organs inquiry live 1.3 min clip ↓
  61. Hotel sexual organs meeting confusion live 1.7 min clip ↓
  62. Shedders on the Beach cross-location inquiry live 1.8 min clip ↓
  63. Blue Sea Restaurant Group hang-up live 2.6 min clip ↓
  64. Segway company asked about modifications live 4.3 min clip ↓
  65. Rolls Royce rental company about bat damage live 3.8 min clip ↓
  66. Wax salon mistaken for drug use live 51 s clip ↓
  67. Beer machine inquiry live 1.2 min clip ↓
  68. Caller asks about clothing live 37 s clip ↓
  69. Salon hair wash inquiry live 1.1 min clip ↓
  70. Wedding invitations discussion live 1.4 min clip ↓
  71. Undefeated store vandalism threat live 1.6 min clip ↓
  72. Restaurant toilet vandalism live 53 s clip ↓
  73. T-Mobile phone size inquiry live 51 s clip ↓
  74. Cigar dealer discussed Cuban cigars live 4.7 min clip ↓
  75. Park cleaner asked about feces stain live 1.3 min clip ↓
  76. Barbershop asked about racial demographics live 1.0 min clip ↓
  77. Massage therapist asked about juice for bowel movement live 2.2 min clip ↓
  78. Juice for bowel movement advice live 1.2 min clip ↓
  79. Aviator clothing company dispute live 1.8 min clip ↓
  80. Panocha order confusion live 1.2 min clip ↓
  81. Pizza machine order demand live 1.2 min clip ↓
  82. Cigar shop Davidoff inquiry live 1.5 min clip ↓
  83. Salt Air asked about spaces live 2.3 min clip ↓
  84. Mr. Journey bookstore looking for Carl live 1.6 min clip ↓
  85. Paper machine prank at gift shop live 2.3 min clip ↓

Transcript

Top 8 people?
Up your ass, motherfucker.
Okay, send your sister back and show them, then you get a banjo.
Sir, you need to watch your language, okay?
You need to transfer the call.
You're listening to Madhouse Live.
I'm the largest prank call station in the nation.
Prank call nation.
Good afternoon, Care Paraval Latin School. This is Angel Vice.
Ave.
Hello?
Salve?
Nope, you got the wrong number.
Latin School?
Care Paraval Latin School?
Yeah, Salve.
Salve. I'm saying good morning. Salve?
Oh, good morning. Sorry.
Ah, que da guis?
I don't know Latin. I'm sorry.
Valeo. E tu?
Can I help you?
Is there, can I speak to someone in Latin, please?
Uh, the teachers are not here.
What are they doing? Are they masturbating?
Because school is out, so no one there speaks Latin.
They're all, uh, uh, uh, uh.
I was in a Borea.
Uh, uh, uh, uh.
Hello?
Yes, thank you.
Yeah, do you have popcorn machines?
Popcorn machines?
Yeah, the popcorn machine that you put the popcorn in, and it makes popcorn machines.
It goes like that.
Do you want a little residential one, or do you want the big ones?
The big ones, like the movie theater, does it have the glass machine?
I don't believe that we stock those, but it's something that we can probably order in for you.
Do you have anything that has a lot of glass in it at all, like an oven or any kind of cooler?
Do you have any coolers that have, like, a glass door?
I believe so.
All right.
When I come, I want to come see them.
Can I, you have, like, a showroom, right, where I can go see it?
Yes, sir.
Okay.
Can I bring a baseball bat with me, or do you have one there I could use?
We do not sell baseball bats.
Well, I don't know if, like, maybe the guys in the back room had some.
Maybe they play a little bit of baseball together.
They, you know, slide around, you know, they slide into the plate, you know,
dust themselves off a little bit in their little uniform
for a muck and fucker incorporated baseball team in the local.
Can I help you with it, sir?
Yeah, I wanted to know if I could bring a baseball bat with me to the showroom.
No, sir.
Is there a reason why?
Is there a man I can talk to and ask?
I'm sorry, they're all at lunch at this hour.
So the only thing is you, the woman, a woman?
Sir, is there something I can help you with?
Yeah, yeah.
Are you the only woman that works there?
No, sir.
Okay, but you just answer the phone and stuff, right?
You're like, huh?
Hee-hee-hee.
Like that?
They also let me do some typing every now and again.
Oh, yeah?
Wow, yeah.
Do you suck a lot of dicks?
Of course she does.
Hello?
This is SalesPet Nutrition.
Can I help you?
Yeah, hi.
Are you having a bad day?
No.
I just have somebody here.
Oh, what are they doing?
Buying something?
No.
How can I help you, sir?
Are they under your desk, maybe?
They got their nose up your skirt?
No.
Okay.
Okay, is there a man I can talk to?
I had a question about my dog's foods that I'm given.
I have a fleet of dog machines.
Okay, let me get you over to Consumer Affairs.
Yeah, right.
Thank you for calling Consumer Affairs.
Yeah, is there someone with their nose under your skirt under the desk right now?
I'm sorry?
Can I speak to a man, please?
I'm sorry?
Can I speak to a man, please?
Can you speak to a man?
Yes.
Okay, can I have your name, sir?
Christopher Wallace.
Okay, one moment, please.
Thank you for that brief hold, sir.
It wasn't brief.
It was a few minutes, actually.
Did you notice that?
Why do you apologize, sir?
I don't have a mail available for you to speak with.
Is there anything I can help you with today?
How much chocolate can I add to the breakfast of my Doberman?
How much chocolate can you add?
Yes.
Chocolate syrup.
Hershey's chocolate syrup.
I put about half a bottle in it.
And now he's like,
like he's rolling around really weird.
And he's like,
like that.
He keeps going, he's not even barking, he's just like, like that.
He went inside the cat's litter box and laid inside there.
He's never done that before.
And he stayed in there, he was like.
Okay, sir, and for any reason we get disconnected, is there a number that I can best reach you at?
There is not.
And what food are you feeding your dog?
You're, well, I was doing the Hill's Dog Nutrition.
Okay, which product?
I'd have to find the bag.
I can wait for you.
Would you wait patiently?
I'll put you on hold now, okay?
Okay.
Hello?
Yes, sir?
All right, thanks for holding.
I hope you enjoyed the music.
It's the lamb meal and rice recipe, the dry one.
It's got, like, a gray top on the motherfucker.
Sir, you don't need to use that kind of language with me.
It's just the way I talk normally.
I'm sorry.
It was totally...
I just woke up.
I'm sorry.
I would appreciate that you'd be professional, okay?
I am willing to help you, but I don't appreciate you speaking to me that way.
All right, I'm sorry for being an asshole.
I'm sorry.
Well, sir, if there's anything I can assist you with, I'd be more than happy to help you.
Yeah, well, listen.
Listen, honey.
Honey, you asked me what I was feeding Rex, and I told you, lamb meal and rice.
Okay.
And then I added about a half a bottle of Hershey's chocolate instant syrup.
Okay, sir.
And have you spoke with your veterinarian in regards to that?
Would you not recommend chocolate syrup in your dog's food?
I called them, and they refused to talk to me.
They said that I was rude and vulgar and that I was yelling too much,
and they referred me to call the manufacturer of the food that I fed them
for assistance.
I'm sorry, you will have to speak with your veterinarian
because we do not recommend chocolate syrup.
I already talked to Dr. Gonzalez's office
and they said,
sir, we can't help you
if you're going to talk to us like that.
You need to look on the bag
and see who made this food
and call them for more help
because that's exactly what she said.
I have it written down and everything.
Okay, sir.
Well, I'm just letting you know
we do not recommend chocolate syrup
in your pet food.
She was like,
I don't appreciate that you're saying
a lot of fucking and stuff like that i was saying stuff well i certainly don't appreciate it either
sir i know but then they they said that in order to get help that you would be the next i guess
you're like tier two assistants for my dog machine like they they said they were going to put me
through to a man to talk to at uh your company at hills i guess because you run science diet
machine well is there anything i can anything else i can help you with sir you guys are science diet
right yes sir okay and the company itself is called hills machine hills nutrition okay so
you're telling me there's no man that i can talk to right now it's just women no sir there's not
anybody available if i'm able to help you that's why i'm on the phone i'm trying to assist you
with your question no you can't you're a woman but you're a woman that's why you can't it's not
applicable well sir if there's not anything else i can help you with i'm going to go ahead and
disconnect there is there is one thing you can help me with and that's transfer me through to a
A male associate or a male manager?
Well, I do apologize.
There's nobody available.
Well, who's above you?
Well, if you would like to speak to my supervisor, I'd be more than happy to.
Is it a female or a male?
Well, it's going to be a female, sir.
I mean, there's nothing wrong with that.
That's what the problem is here.
I think that's what's going on.
I'm sorry that you feel that way.
I think that's why my dog is sitting there now going like that.
Well, is there anything else, sir?
Well, put me through to your manager, and I guess I'll have to keep going up the chain, I guess.
and listen is this going to be a warm transfer or a cold transfer i'll transfer you right now
sir just one moment okay whoa whoa no wait you need to do a warm transfer you know what that
means honey yes i do sir and i'm going to go ahead and do it now okay one moment thank you
yeah all right you better this is tara can i help you yeah was that that was a warm transfer very
good so is there a man that you report to uh no sir i mean that's what i'm here for is to help
you and what's your what's that you're wanting to know about chocolate syrup on your dog food
yeah well yeah i called my veterinarian and the lady said specifically over there
that they can't help me because i was too being too rude and vulgar and that they couldn't help
me and i needed to calm down she said you need to she said and i'm quoting her you need to a calm
down b not talk to me like that c just look for the manufacturer of the food that you fed your dog
and get them to help you and then she hung up on me she refused to transfer me what issue are you
having well i gave my dog your lamb meal and rice uh dry food and it's too dry for him because he
has soft teeth so i put some hershey's syrup on it put about half a bottle he loves the stuff
and the next thing i know he's going around going like that he's going and he went inside the cat's
litter box and he's never done that he laid down in there and he just keeps like throwing cat litter
up with his nose into the air and going like that yeah we do not recommend that with your
dog food i mean there are options that you can do you can even feed we have food that you can
mix on top of it to help with the palatability if it's too dry but we would not recommend that
What about Wolf Camerashop?
Oh, hey.
Hello?
Hello?
I'm sorry, I could not understand.
Yeah.
I don't understand.
Stupid.
You guys do have the long range, like those Nikon, the mirrorless digital ones?
One moment, please.
This is Frank.
Hey, boy, how are you?
I'm great.
right yeah what's up
night uh the nikon 1v3 it's like a mirrorless deal the nikon yep one 3d 1v3 god damn it
1v3 yeah 1v isn't victor 3 yep all right and it has no mirrors in it how many springs come
come inside of it oh a lot i'm not sure well estimate let's come off estimate estimate on
that motherfucker how many springs huh yeah i don't have a all right does it have the master
spring machine that goes like i've heard that before
that's the beef song hey boy how are you hello w70 kansas yeah how you doing my boy
In my office.
Hey, honey, baby, how are you?
Fine.
That's good.
Hey, is Big Kevin there?
Big Fat Kevin?
Who's this?
This is Leon.
Leon Victors.
I'm a friend of his, back from the bar days.
Yeah.
Okay, can I call him that, Big Fat Kevin?
Yeah, Big Fat Kevin.
Yeah, tell him it's Leon.
We used to do frotting together all the time.
Okay, hold on a second.
Hey, honey, what was your name?
Felicia.
Oh, yeah, he talks about you all the time.
He does not.
Yeah, he does.
She's like, she's so pretty.
She's got that nice ass on her and everything.
Whatever.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Yeah, he told me he wanted to stick his nose under your skirt one day under your desk.
You better stop this.
I don't know who this is, but you better stop it.
Okay.
I'm coming into town.
Maybe I'll see you, too.
I don't know.
All right.
Hold on.
Do you like Chipotle?
Okay, did you want me to take a number and have him get back to you?
I guess.
Why?
He doesn't want to talk to me?
Well, he's in the middle of a jury trial.
Oh, all right, honey.
Well, I'm coming down.
Do you like Chipotle?
No.
Well, I was going to get a burrito bowl.
Maybe you want one?
Who is this?
Or do you think you could get out?
When's your lunch?
Did you take your lunch yet?
No, who is this?
Are you married?
Leon who?
Leon Victors.
Leon Victors.
And how do you know Kevin?
We went to school together.
You went to high school together?
We went to high school, and then we studied together.
We studied law together.
Oh, you went to law school with him.
Yeah, I did both.
Yeah, we grew up together.
We shared girls all the time.
Yeah.
Do you live here in Topeka?
I'm coming to visit.
Oh, you are?
Yeah.
Today?
I'm going to be there later today.
Oh, well, he's in a jury trial today.
Oh, shit.
All right.
Well, I was going to stop by.
Maybe I'll get you something.
You want some lunch?
I'll bring you lunch.
We'll have lunch together and talk.
There, you can answer the phone when you need to.
Yeah, you do that.
Okay, you want a burrito bowl?
Which one do you like, the chicken, the steak, or the carnitas?
I have no idea.
You've never had Chipotle before?
No.
Uh-uh.
God, wow.
Wow. Okay. All right. Whatever. And your name is Alicia? Yeah, he's talked about you a lot.
Yeah, okay. You don't even say my name right, so apparently not.
What was it, Alicia? He said the sexy girl that answers the phone down there.
Whatever. Okay, I'll tell him you called.
All right. All right. I'll see you later, baby. All right.
Hey.
Hey. Oh, also, do you know Labia?
Thank you for calling Jersey Mike's downtown. How can I help you?
Hello?
Hello. Thank you for calling Jersey Mike's. How can I help you?
yeah um do you have a you have a glass cooler there like where you keep the uh like a sneeze
guard kind of thing where you keep separate the counter from the customer yeah okay all right uh
can i bring a baseball bat with me and make my order if you really felt the need to i might need
to yeah i might need to because i really don't like it those sneeze guards that keep you back
and all that so sometimes i actually how thick is that glass how thick would you say like half an
an inch less than that right yeah i'd say like a quarter of an inch okay so it would only take
maybe a few good hits with a i don't need an aluminum bat i think i can get by with one of the
wood sluggers hello hey who's this jennifer hey honey how are you sexy management services
hey what's up big girl hello hello hey big girl how you doing honey yep who is who is this oh
Oh, hey, it's Leon, Leon Victors.
Who's that, Katie?
No.
Where's Katie at?
Katie, Big Katie, Big Fat Katie, where's she at?
Hold on just a moment.
Thank you, honey.
This is Katie.
Hey, big girl, how you doing, Fat Katie?
What did you just say?
Hey, big girl, how you doing, Big Fat Katie?
How you been?
I don't want to talk to you.
Why not?
I have an important question about the tank machine.
We have the Super Tank League, Tank Motherfuckers League, and I'm a motherfucker.
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
Site Management Services, this is Katie.
Yes, hello, I'm looking for Mr. Thomas Pallis.
Mr. Pallis is not in today.
Oh, is he fornicating?
Did I take it? I'm sorry?
Is he fornicating today at the convention?
It's the ones that smoke blunts with ya, see your picture, not the ones that get ya.
Bet your biggie won't slip, calico with the...
French Law Office, how may I help you?
Hamburgers!
Hello?
Yes, I need to speak with Big Fat Wayne.
He's not in right now.
Can I take a message?
Oh, really?
What about Big Sherry?
Nope, nobody's in the office right now.
Where are they?
We had a threesome the other day at the convention, so I was looking about maybe hooking up again.
I'm going to be in Topeka.
Okay.
Yeah, we had a sexual liaison, like a menage a trois.
You know, we were drinking a lot of champagne.
Okay.
Who's this?
Who are you?
My name is Audrey.
I'm actually the receptionist.
Oh, wow.
You're pretty?
I've been told so.
What are you wearing?
Clothing.
You got a skirt on?
Who is this?
What do you like to wear?
Like a maxi skirt or just a regular skirt?
What do you like to wear?
Well, right now I'm wearing a dress.
Ooh, nice.
What color is it?
Black.
Wow, does it show off your body?
I don't know.
I guess so.
You don't have to tell me how old you are, but what year were you born in?
Nice try.
What hole are you, woman?
I am 35.
Oh, nice.
I just turned 35 myself four days ago.
Oh, nice.
Yeah, you sound a little older for 35, but that's good.
That's a good sign.
Are you a big girl?
No.
Not anymore.
You got big natural breasts?
Who is this?
Leon Victors.
I'm a friend of Wayne and Sherry's.
Okay.
Yeah.
You got nice natural breasts?
I guess.
You're not augmented at all.
You have, like, natural?
No.
No?
Not at all.
It's all natural.
You a C-cup?
Larger.
Larger?
Hey.
D-cup.
You're a D-cup, then?
Double D.
Wow.
Do they have pink nipples, or how are they?
I have to get back to work.
Come on, that's the last question.
Do you have pink nipples, or are they brown, or how are they?
I don't know.
Come on, you know.
You've looked.
Do you like them being touched and grabbed, or no?
Well, I have to get back to work.
Okay.
Hey, do you know what a labia is?
I do.
What's your favorite labia, the menorah or the majora?
Wow, you're pretty bold.
which one's your favorite just say the first one or the second menorah or majora which one
just say one i don't know but i do i do have other calls what's what what number do you like
the most one or two um i i don't know okay fine don't tell me you know how about this don't you
hate eve don't you like hate uh odd numbers i prefer even numbers like two four six eight i
I hate, like, 3, 5, 7, 9.
They just, they make, they give you ugly feelings when you see those numbers, you know?
The nice, the nice odd, even numbers, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10.
Those are good, solid numbers.
You could build a foundation on them, you know?
Like the four corners at the base of a pyramid, as opposed to.
Right?
Yeah, yeah.
As opposed to the three once it gets higher and higher.
Yeah.
Right?
Do you happen to have a phone number he can reach you at?
Uh, do you want it for yourself?
Only if you're the one calling me.
All right, yeah, it's 624-2014.
Okay.
All right.
Well, I will, uh, I will let them know that you called.
Hey, do you like Chipotle?
Maybe I can bring some Chipotle in.
We could have lunch together.
That, that, that is pretty good, but I've already had my lunch.
What about tomorrow?
You want, you like a burrito bowl?
Um, no.
No?
I, I, actually, my husband will be taking me out to lunch tomorrow.
Oh, that sucks.
Yeah.
Well, not for him.
Oh, is he bi or anything?
No.
Is he curious?
Not at all.
Do you think he'd watch?
No.
Does he like to watch?
No.
Okay.
All right.
That's cool.
Wayne likes to watch.
Okay.
TMI.
All right.
See you later.
Thanks.
Have a great one.
Bye, honey.
Good afternoon, Brawlers.
Why did it take you so long to say something after you pick up the phone, motherfucker?
Okay.
Hi.
Hello?
Good afternoon, Burrell's Loose.
Yes, hi.
I'm trying to call in on another line,
and I think they just have me on speakerphone,
and they're not talking to me.
Who is this?
This is Burrell's Loose.
You've got the receptionist.
Oh, you're a male receptionist?
No, I'm...
No, I'm not.
You're a female.
I'm a female.
I just have a deep voice.
Oh, goodness.
I'm so sorry.
You're not the first one.
Oh, really?
That happens a lot?
who can i and yes it is who can i uh who would you like to speak with oh do you have labia i'm
sorry who labia lady labia lady how is that spelled or what is the last name l-a-b-i-a
it's not showing up on our record this is burrell's loose okay yeah yeah i'm friends with
bobby you know fat bobby we call him okay you know bobby well i'm in the peak office
okay well there's okay yeah and jim french he's the the gay dude okay right yeah we play darts
and we drink he loves guinness jim big jim big fat jim yeah oh he can eat so much pizza we were
together at the bohemian grove you ever heard of that place yeah yeah once a year we go to
bohemian grove that's like a convention and a lot of people get together you know and we we plan the
the company plan for the next year or so.
We always get together, yeah.
And then we talk to some of the other major people, you know,
in the industry there, you know.
And they have, like, these sexual parties.
That's great.
Okay, let me transfer you to that office.
They can get you back to who you were talking to there, okay?
All right, honey, baby.
All right.
All right, bye.
Have a good day.
Okay, bye.
Good afternoon, broflus.
Yeah, I need to talk to Big Fat Jim French.
Hello.
Hello.
Yeah, I'm trying to talk to Big Fat Jim French.
Um, can I ask who's calling?
My name is Eleanor Loveland, I'm the head of human resources.
Well, I'm Leon Waggoner.
Leon Waggoner?
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, I'm related to Bob, related to Uncle Bob and Chaz.
Okay.
Anyway, I need to talk to Big Fat Jim, that's what we call him, we call him Big Fat Jim.
Big Fat Jim.
He eats so much when we're together, oh my god, he could eat like a pizza and a half.
and then go swimming right after.
He is fucking a pig.
God.
Okay, I can take your phone number and have him call you back.
Well, why?
Can I do that?
Why can't I talk to...
Well, I'm in New Jersey.
Why can't I drive the job?
Why?
You can transfer me to where he is, motherfucker.
I'm not going to take your call, sir, if you're going to...
You're going to be in big trouble if you don't handle this.
What's your name again?
I'll give you my name.
It's Eleanor Loveland, head of human resources.
Well, you're going to be in big trouble with Uncle Bob and Jim.
Okay, I'll take my chances on that.
You're going to get fucked up.
Perhaps you should call Uncle Bob and suggest that he transfer you out, okay?
No, you do it.
But I'm going to hang up.
You do it, man.
I'm going to hang up now.
Goodbye.
You motherfucker.
Barker Printing, this is Debbie.
How can I help you?
Yes, I want to know if I can get a banner done.
Um, we don't do banners here.
Could you print, perhaps, one large letter at a time per page with a message,
and then I'll go ahead and tape the motherfuckers together.
Uh, let me have you talk with someone.
Hurry up.
Hello, it's Bill.
Hey, boy, how are you?
Good.
Good. Listen, my friend, I'm trying to get a banner done.
Now, that stupid woman said that you don't do those motherfuckers.
Is that right?
No, thank you.
Bye-bye.
No, come on.
Calling for my girlfriend's step-mommy.
Far to the thriller in Manila.
Honey's call me bigger, the condom filler.
Was up his tongue for stiff dick.
Biggie squeak fit.
Now check this shit.
I got the pack of rough riders in the back.
You know the epilogue by James Bond.
Smith, I get swift with the lyrical kick.
Hit you with the dick, make your kidneys shift.
Here we go, here we go.
What up, I don't.
Hello.
Hey, homie.
How you doing?
All right.
This is Stupid Dogs of Topeka?
Yep.
All right.
And what kind of shit you guys put in that shit?
You what?
What kind of fucking shit you put in that shit?
Huh?
What are you talking about?
What kind of shit you put in those motherfuckers?
The kind of shit you can't handle.
Okay, then I won't do business with you.
I don't understand.
Why can't you just tell me the truth?
What kind of shit's in that motherfucking bullshit, motherfucker?
Because you ain't worth a shit to tell.
Well, you're a motherfucker.
Huh?
You put two...
Now you happy?
Yeah, you put two dicks together and masturbate?
Yeah, with your old lady.
You put two dicks together and masturbate with my old lady.
That makes perfect sense.
Thank you.
Thank you, stupid.
This is stupid, motherfucking piece of shit.
Fucking dogs.
That's what the company is now.
That's what your wife said, too.
I'm going to spray paint that all over your building.
Stupid, motherfucking piece of shit, motherfucking dogs.
I'm going to figure out how to spell that at the end.
I said about your old lady, too.
Yeah, that's how I finish up in your ass.
I go...
I got a big dick.
I'm from Turkey.
Sound like you're a dumbass.
Yeah, well, come front of me, and I will show you who is the dumbass.
Come front of me, and I'll show you who is the dumbass.
Okay.
You gonna come front?
You have a good day, asshole.
Okay, motherfucker.
I command you to hang up like a motherfucker.
What I'm gonna hang up for?
I like a good day.
Yeah, I command you to hang the fuck up, you motherfucker.
Fucker.
Dude, because I'm saying hang up.
You're only hanging up because I'm saying you have to hang up, motherfucker.
Oh, I like listening to it.
All right, then listen to it, motherfucker.
Good evening, Shane.
Yeah, boy, how you doing?
Good.
Who's this?
I'm making an order.
Okay, how are you today?
Leon Victors is my name.
I want one bench hug.
Yeah, I need one bench hug.
You need that?
Yes.
Okay, send your sister, I can show them, then you get a bench hug.
Okay, then you bring your mother to come front, and I make madarchod for you.
I don't say to anything, and you can send that.
I don't need that one.
Yeah, how about you come front of me, and I'll show you how to fuck and how to kiss.
You can send, okay?
You learned that.
Motherfucker, you.
You have bathroom there?
You want to give ass over there?
Yeah, I want to put your face in the toilet when I fuck you from behind and I scream man chode.
Okay, come see.
If you're a man, come see me here anytime, okay?
Okay, I'm coming, motherfucker.
Bhenchod, motherfucker.
Okay, coming.
Okay, monkey.
All right, did you hang up yet, motherfucker?
Hey, yeah, let's take off your boots and your suits.
I'd like to make an order, please.
Okay.
Yeah, I want to pick up the food.
I'm going to come bring it here to my office.
I'm going to close the door, close the blinds to my office,
and take off my suit and take off my boots.
Okay.
Okay.
I'd like one egg, please.
Okay.
Okay, one meat.
What kind of meat?
Cooked meat, heated to a proper internal temperature, sustained for the appropriate amount of time.
Make sure that you kill off any salmonella or bacteria, E. coli, anything of this nature.
Okay.
Okay.
What about one egg?
One egg?
You wanted one egg?
Yep.
Do the eggs only come one way?
How would you like it cooked?
With heat.
Okay.
Okay.
One egg's cooked with heat.
Okay.
One bread.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
That's it.
Nick, can I get a total, please, motherfucker?
Up your ass, motherfucker.
Is that where the total is?
Up your ass, motherfucker.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hello?
McDonald's.
Hey, boy, how are you?
I don't know, sir.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello, please?
Hello, please?
Good day, bud.
Oh, uh, yeah, you have warnings on the coffee cups, correct?
Correct?
Fucking asshole.
Idiot.
Motherfucker.
Ignorant.
Hello, McDonald's.
Hey, listen.
You have the hot coffee there and the iced coffee, right?
Is that a question?
Yes.
Okay, so the hot coffee has a warning on there that it can't caution it might be hot.
Let you know to be careful, right?
Yes.
Okay, now, how come I got the cold coffee
and there's no warning there about the temperature of the ice?
Um, I don't know.
Well, I'll tell you what happened, motherfucker.
I have sensitive teeth and I drank this coffee.
Oh, come on. Come on!
Can't take a little motherfucker.
Yeah, this album is dedicated to all the teachers
that told me I never amount to nothing.
To all the people that lived above the buildings
that I was hustling from that called the police on me
when I was just trying to make some money to feed my daughters.
And all the niggas struggling, you know what I'm saying?
It's all good baby
It was all a dream
F.E.D. up in the limousine
Hanging pictures on my wall
Every Saturday, rap attack
Mr. Magic, Molly Mall
I let my tail, my tape pop
We the bamboo sipping on private stock
Way back when I had the red and black lumberjack
With the hat to match
Remember rapping
You never thought that hip hop
Would take it this far
Now I'm in the limelight cause I ride tight
Time to get paid, blow up like the world's train
The opposite of a winner
Remember when I used to eat sardines for dinner
Peace to Rod G, Brucie B, Kickin' Free
Fuck Master Flex, love Bugstar Skis
I'm blowin' up, I get the wood
Call the crib, same number, same hood
It's all good
For pet training information, call 4-
Oh, what's up, baby, baby?
How can I help you?
Represent, baby, baby, it's all good
Good. I wanted a schedule for my little Leon to come in and get his little hair's trimmed, motherfucker.
All right. And your last name?
Leon Victors.
Okay, now, does he have to be spayed or neutered, or can he have his sexual organs?
He can still have those.
Okay.
Is there a number that we'd have on file for you?
Fuck no.
Have you been in before?
Fuck no, motherfucker.
Just a moment.
All right.
This is Elizabeth. How can I help you?
Hello, Elizabeth.
the mouth how can i help you yes i wanted to bring my dog leon in to have his hairs cut
okay and what kind of dog is leon uh he's a pit bull an aggressive pit bull an aggressive pit bull
yes that's his breed name it's american aggressive pit bull it's a cross of a pit like a few different
pit it's not uh it's not a recognized akc uh brand or breed yet but it's it's got an application to
to do so it's going to be in turn in a exposition not tournament yet american aggressive bulldog
so it's half pit bull half american aggressive bulldog oh american aggressive pit bull i'm sorry
yes it is an american aggressive pit bull i have never heard of a dog being titled an aggressive
pit bull american aggressive pit bull okay and is there a man i can talk to who might know more
about things yes i would be happy to transfer you to somebody hold on just a moment make sure
it's a man yes thank you hold this gary hey big boy how you doing big fat gary wonderful great
listen i have an american aggressive pit bull dog machine uh-huh i need to get permission to bring
that in to get its little hairs cut and his um his penis masturbated and everything is that sorry
won't be able to help you bud what about the anal gland it needs to be expressed nope it can't come
him in the store if he's aggressive well no he's not aggressive himself but the it's a new breed
that it's currently in being created called the american aggressive pit bull yeah for which kennel
club it's akc as a matter of fact it's akc doesn't akc doesn't register american pit bulls on their
own i know they're working they don't recognize the breed they're wrecking they're working hey
idiot they're working on a record oh don't start name calling bud these there's a deal to
recognize it, but it's going to have to have
aggressive in the name, so they're going to call it
American Aggressive Pit Bull.
That's the deal that they're cutting
with the Pit Bull owners.
How do you not know this, and you say that you're in the industry?
I don't understand.
I'm a breeder.
You work for PetSmart, so that explains a lot.
Okay, bud.
You don't even sell dogs there.
You don't have any bitches.
Thank you for calling.
This is Dre. How can I help you?
I need to talk to the manager.
I had a horrible experience with the goddamn burger machine that you people gave me.
Okay, just one moment.
Hurry it up.
Thank you for holding.
This is Ross.
How may I help you?
Hey, big boy.
How you doing?
Pretty good.
How are you today?
I have a big problem.
Big motherfucking problem.
All right.
What's your problem?
You know on the goddamn menu you got the blue ribbon burger?
Motherfucking shit.
And then now you got some fork and knife burgers with ciabatta instead.
And that's supposed to be better.
The stupid waiter was like, oh, yeah, try this instead.
It's so much better.
It's got a ciabatta bread.
It's soft.
It's so good.
Okay.
You know the one I'm talking about?
What's it called?
The black and blue burger?
No, there's a different version of it now with ciabatta bread.
Yeah, that's the black and blue burger.
And then we also have the blue ribbon burger.
Oh, so the black and blue.
You know what?
Black and blue, my ass.
The ciabatta bread is ass.
The burger meat is ass.
the sauce that you put on it is
asshole and the blue cheese
that you put on it is
tastes like ass
and I got only one
refill of my non-sweet tea
and I got only one refill of the god damn
fries motherfuckers
I just could have gotten the god damn
fucking regular roll
like I wanted but the waiter
the server got in my wife's
ear my wife's like no get that
instead motherfucker like that
He had to open his big fat fucking mouth
And say that my fucking wife
Didn't get that in her fucking head
And it's impossible
Because just to argue with that motherfucker
Sometimes just want to strangle her
Just want to shake her back and forth
Grab her by the shoulders
And say shut up motherfucker
Like that
I need you to comp me
I need to get a to-go order
And I want her to be comped
I want her to be the blue ribbon instead
That I wanted in the beginning
and I want about four servings of the French fries
since they're supposed to be bottomless
and motherfucker didn't bring me a lot of them.
I usually get at least four refills on those,
four extra baskets,
and God dang, he only brought one.
Okay.
He said that I was being too loud,
that I was too upset about it,
that I should let it go, he said to me.
Motherfucking shit, man.
Do you know what your server's name was?
He was the effeminate guy.
Oh, I am not sure.
You know, the effeminate motherfucker.
I really am not sure what you might be talking about.
Well, I don't know the name.
I don't know.
Well, I apologize about that.
Well, put in that order for me.
I want the actual blue ribbon, goddammit.
The blue ribbon and four extra sides of fries.
Four extra sides of fries.
I'm going to need a bottle of malt vinegar in there.
I need a container of the special seasoning salt that you got.
What's that called?
The Red Robin stuff?
Just the Red Robin seasoning?
Yeah, put the whole bottle in there.
for me to take.
Okay.
Alright, and I need...
Is there anything else
you'd like with that?
I need four unsweet iced teas.
Four unsweetened iced teas?
Yep.
Because I didn't get any refills
and I need about
a handful of Splenda
to put in those.
And make sure that
each one has lemon,
not just the first one.
Alright.
Because goddammit,
I hate it when the server
brings you a refill on tea
and doesn't bring
a new lemon with it,
motherfucker.
Yeah, that's pretty...
pretty irritating.
Alright, so we're gonna
get that comp too.
Alright.
Alright, how long will that be?
It'll probably be about 15 minutes for you.
I'll be there in 20.
All right.
We'll see you in 20 minutes.
Thank you.
Bye.
Yes, bye-bye.
What did I say?
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
What?
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
Is that right?
Mm-hmm.
What kind of history bullshit you got there, motherfucker?
Hello?
What?
What kind of history bullshit you got in that motherfucker?
All kinds.
Well, is it just for the city, or is it any national motherfucking history?
It's a state facility.
So it's Kansas fucking history?
It's pretty boring.
Does it have the Bleeding Kansas era?
Is that shown in there?
Yeah, sure.
It does?
Of course.
When those motherfuckers came here and tried starting shit?
And we kicked their fucking asses?
Remember that?
I do, but I don't remember that kind of language.
Well, that's how we talked, you know, at that time.
Who talked like that?
Motherfuckers like me.
Oh.
All right.
Does it have the part with the burning crosses when it was all, the whole clan was here and they were burning the fucking crosses?
Oh, that was Mississippi, right?
Mississippi burning, motherfucker.
I don't know.
Yeah, alright.
Did you find something in particular?
Yeah, I wanted more info on that.
Bleeding Kansas, motherfucker.
Just a moment, I'll transfer your call.
Thank you.
Bleeding Kansas Department.
Thank you for calling Historical Society.
The research room is open from 9am to 4.30pm.
Tuesday through Saturday.
Meep meep!
Meep meep!
Hello?
Meep meep!
Meep meep!
Right?
Thank you for calling Furniture Off Kansas.
This is Amber.
How may I help you?
Hey, honey baby.
How are you, big Amber?
Hello? Really? I'm just going to stop doing that because...
Furniture Laws, Kansas. This is Amber. How may I help you?
Do you have a showroom?
I'm sorry, what was that?
Do you have a showroom?
A showroom?
Yes.
Yes, we do.
Okay, can I bring a baseball bat while I'm looking at the furniture?
Um, what would you need the baseball bat for?
Just in case. I like to get on the furniture and test it out a little bit.
I take a few whacks at it on the side as hard as I can with my baseball bat just to make sure it doesn't fall apart.
um no no we would not allow that i was just doing this at jc penny they kicked me out and they said
to take it the guy said specifically take you to furniture mall down the way and get that f-u-c-k
out he said to me like really rude so he he said that you guys wouldn't help me out i guess yeah
no we wouldn't allow that here i'm sorry oh because i was actually on top of the couch and
i was getting ready to jump and what i do is like i i pat my elbow you know like like that
and then i go elbow first through the coffee table and as long as if it holds up then it's
it's a winner you know hey right yeah that it yeah that makes sense but yeah no we wouldn't
allow that okay well apparently jc panty said that you would take care of me you would help me out
no yeah we wouldn't be able to do that because unfortunately if i mean if you were to do that
and to do that then you would have to buy it well i'll buy it if it doesn't break down if
If it doesn't destroy, if it's not a piece of crap, then I'll buy it, sure.
Well, no, I mean, if you were to break it by jumping on it
or beating it with a baseball bat, you would have to buy it.
Absolutely.
I mean, if your furniture isn't strong enough,
if you're trying to sell me something that's going to break just by hitting it
or something hitting it, you know, I mean,
what am I supposed to do if a tornado comes through?
I'm going to lose my furniture, my investment because the tornado came through
because you didn't make it strong enough?
No, absolutely not.
That is what insurance is for.
Insurance actually covers your furniture.
If a tornado were to happen and to damage your home, your home insurance would cover that.
Otherwise, they wouldn't just cover abuse to your furniture.
Well, that's what happened.
They said they wouldn't cover the baseball hits, the baseball bat hits that was in the kicking and the jumping
that me and my family did to the coffee table and to the TV and all this stuff.
We tried to claim it on insurance, and they said absolutely not, that they won't cover it.
this type of damage that it was between us and the furniture company they said right yeah because
that's considered abuse yeah usually insurance companies don't cover abuse okay well then you
offer furniture insurance then no we don't have insurance we do have a protection plan okay but
they cover they cover accidental damage only that you you beating it with a baseball bat or jumping
on it is considered abuse that's not considered accidental damage well i mean if i black out i'm
drinking i black out i wake up and i've got glass sticking out of my fists out of my knuckles um you
know chunks of glass and they're all bruised up and there's a baseball bat by my side and i slept
in my clothes in the dog room again um you're telling me that's my fault even though i didn't
have control over myself because that's obviously an accident and that's what happened in this case
But you did have control over yourself because you chose to drink that, which in cause, I mean, if you decided to be right.
No, that wasn't the intention. That wasn't the intention. No, no. No. Objection. I object. Your Honor, I object. I object.
Okay, well, you would have to take that part up with the protection plan. I mean, I would think that that would be abuse, though.
Okay, well, that's your opinion, but I'll read through the whole thing.
Do you have a copy of that before I actually purchase it?
Absolutely.
Do you have it there? Can you look up something?
Yes.
Okay, go ahead, and can you read from Section 1, the beginning?
Okay, one moment, okay?
Okay.
Okay, sir?
Hello?
Yes.
Okay, so you wanted Section 1?
Uh-huh.
Okay, and which part of Section 1 would you like?
Well, just read through. I'll let you know when to stop.
Sir, this is a two-page thing.
Well, just, it's a...
Have you purchased with our company, sir?
Yes.
Okay, what is your last name?
Victors.
Okay, and you said Victors?
Yep.
And how do you spell that?
V-I-C-T-O-R-S, machine.
Victors machine?
Yes.
We do not have that in here.
Look under labia.
Sorry, I know what that is.
That is not...
Menorah or Majora, did you look at that?
No, sir.
Can you look up the last name Majora?
No, sir.
It's not in there.
All right, well.
May I ask who's calling?
Leon Victors.
Can you read from section one?
It's at the very beginning.
I'll let you know when to stop.
Come on.
Please, please, please, please, please, please.
Well, I would need to pull up your plan.
So I would have to have your name.
No, you have section one.
We're going to start reading from it.
Come on.
I command you.
Oh, sir.
I'm sorry.
I do not take command.
Well, I order you then.
I order you then.
Is there a way that you could come into the store and we could go over this?
I mean, we could sit down and go over the protection plan together?
I like that idea, yeah.
Are you wearing a maxi skirt today, or what do you have on?
Sir, I do not feel comfortable answering that.
Well, I'm going to talk to you.
What are you wearing?
I am Amber, so you can come in.
I'm the only Amber here, and you can ask for me.
Oh, Amber.
What's Amber wearing today?
Can I get your Facebook page?
No, sir.
Do you have Facebook?
No, sir.
Oh, I already found you here because you put down your work at Furniture Mall.
Oh, no, I did not, sir.
I don't have Facebook.
Do you have Twitter?
No.
How old are you?
Sir, I do not feel comfortable answering that question.
I'm masturbating right now.
Okay, sir.
I appreciate you calling.
I'm going to hang up.
Thank you.
Thank you for calling the Men's Warehouse in Tuxedo.
This is Matt.
How can I help you?
Matt, Matt.
Hey, buddy.
How are you?
I'm doing well.
How are you?
Hello?
Yeah.
I'm doing well.
How are you?
I'm sorry.
I'm having a really hard time hearing you.
It's just double penetration.
I'm sorry.
I'm continuing on.
So I'm looking for a specific designer.
Okay.
Labia.
Spell that for me.
Yeah, L-A-B-I-A.
Who am I speaking with?
It's Lawrence DeLabia.
It's a designer, yeah.
Okay, we don't have anything under that name.
Was it a suit you were after?
Yeah, do you have Tom Ford machine?
No, we sure don't.
Motherfucker, you fucking asshole.
Who is this?
This is Leon Victors.
I work at the Longhorn Steakhouse here in the mall, in the parking lot.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, and I like to call the people sometimes around the mall to see if you guys want to hang out,
maybe have some beer, smoke some drugs, you know?
Drugs, all right.
Who is this, really?
I told you, Leon Victors.
Leon.
I don't know you, man.
Well, we work in the same area.
I'm looking on Google Maps.
I work in the mall, too, and I pull up Google Maps on my iPhone,
and I'm just calling random numbers around here.
Hey, man.
Yeah, we don't have those designers.
Oh, do you like GameStop?
Do you like to go there?
Thanks for calling Longhorn, the best steakhouse in Topeka.
This is Sarah.
How can I help you?
Hey, Sarah.
What's up, sexy?
Not a lot.
Hey, I got the one dude from Men's Warehouse here.
He works at the mall here with us.
I work at GameStop.
I'm going to let you go, man.
Thanks.
He's right there.
He's shy now.
He got shy.
Anyway, you know the Men's Warehouse here at the mall?
Yeah.
Yeah, I work there.
I work at GameStop, and I'm friends with the guy over at the Men's Warehouse.
and he said he really likes you he goes there for lunch and he sees you and he really likes you and
stuff he likes what how you dress that your clothes show off your body really nice all my
black clothes yeah they're hot they are hot too well that's nice yeah have you ever do you know
what kegel bars kegel balls are no do you know what kegel exercises are yes okay well the balls
actually you actually insert them inside up in the cervix and you have to hold and you spend all day
walking doing your normal work but you hold them in that sounds helpful and by the end of the day
you're like ready to get fucked yes probably yeah so i got a pack they're in the package so they're
not open they're sealed still well i think you can hold on to this oh can i put them in for for you
that's all right oh yeah oh wow anyway do you like do you like anal do you like anal or
cunnilingus or anything do you like 60 90 man she knows what kegel balls are because she read
I've read Fifty Shades of Grey, motherfucker.
Yeah.
It's a good book.
My favorite book right now.
Hard limits, soft limits.
Whoa!
This is the Madhouse.
It's the Madhouse.
Madhouse.
It's the Madhouse.
Madhouse.
Carlitos.
Madhouse, baby.
And this is Zolar telling you to tune in to Zolar Vision.
Friday nights, 10 p.m.
That's right.
It's Friday nights, 10 p.m.
Be there.
Or don't be there.
But, you know, you should probably be there.
It would be a cool thing.
you know what i'm saying thank you for calling school and i want to make a comment
hey buddy how are you motherfucker one second one second okay hello motherfucker what's up
are you girl or boy i'm a boy why a little effeminate that's cool i don't mind oh okay
okay um so can i get wanted to make an order i want two burrito bowls one for me and one for
for the girl that works at the Red Lobster.
Okay, then.
Okay, I'm going to give you a pheromone spray
to put inside the carnitas.
It's going to make her sexually attracted.
She's going to lubricate her vagina and her labia.
Hello?
Thank you for calling Chipotle.
This is Laura.
May I help you?
Hey, motherfucker, how are you?
Fine.
Okay, my name is Akulo.
Hello?
Hello?
Thank you for calling Chipotle.
This is Laura.
May I help you?
Yeah, I want to make an order.
My name is Akulo.
Okay.
Okay, I need...
What can I get for you today?
One carnitas.
Okay.
One panocha.
One mierda.
Okay.
You have a great day.
Thank you for calling.
One maricona.
You have a great day.
Thank you for calling.
Good afternoon.
Thank you for calling Lumber Liquidators in Chica.
This is Chica.
Hey!
Hey, hey, hey.
Hello?
Hello?
Yeah, how are you?
Good.
How are you?
I need to make an order for one wood.
For what?
Wood wood.
For wood?
One wood, yeah.
Okay.
Do you have the product number?
How many spaces is it?
I guess I'm confused on what you're talking about.
How many spaces are with the product number?
Eight.
Okay.
199-180-72.
What?
That doesn't sound like our product number.
Is there a man I can talk to, maybe?
Sure.
Our product numbers start with a 100, but sure.
Hold on just a second.
Thank you.
This is a manager.
How can I help you?
This is a manager, right?
Like a man?
Yeah.
Good.
Thank God.
God, how many, is there a majority of men that work here, right?
There's just me and my assistant, Candace, that's it.
Oh, and you sound a little effeminate, too.
Would I be accurate with that assessment?
No, I'm a male.
What can I help you with?
Yeah, I know you're a male, but do you like women?
Do you like to kiss women?
Do you like to hold and kiss women or men?
What does this have to do with scoring?
Well, I'm making an order for one wood,
and the woman didn't understand and asked to talk to a man,
and I'm a little concerned with the lack of, I don't know, testicular fortitude that I hear on the line?
Well, first off, I am a man.
I am happily married to a woman.
I have children.
Oh, good.
And I've ran this store for many years.
What can I help you with?
Oh, okay.
Good, good.
That's good.
I need to order one wood.
What is one wood?
One unit of wood, five spaces.
Okay.
Is there a particular brand name that you're looking for?
United Wood Machines.
We don't carry any of that, sir.
What do you have then?
All of our brands are exclusive to us only.
Okay, so I'll take whatever you got.
Okay, what species of wood?
One tree, tree wood.
That's not helping me at all, sir.
We have different species of trees.
Natural, natural, natural tree, 100 spaces.
I've never heard of that before.
Do you have any beard wood?
No, we do not.
Okay, all right.
Do you have any bi-wood?
No, we do not.
Do you have any Leviticus wood?
No, sir.
Okay.
Do you have any maple wood?
I do have maple.
Hey, we got a window.
What width size are you looking for?
Five spaces.
So five inches wide?
No, spaces.
What's the size of the room?
Do you have morning wood?
No, sir, we do not.
Do you have couch wood?
No, sir.
Trouser wood?
I've never heard of any of these names, sir.
Okay, mahogany?
Mahogany we do carry.
Okay, yeah, I need 28 spaces of mahogany wood machines.
They need to be cut into the form of a house and assembled.
Okay, we don't, we carry hardwood floors.
We don't carry wood to build houses.
Okay, well, the floor then, you guys need to cut them to size for the floor
and come ahead and deliver them, and while you're here, put them in place where they go.
I don't need to deal with that bull crap about you guys leaving them outside in the elements.
That's disgusting.
We don't do any of that, sir.
We sell hardwood.
would you like to place an order for some flooring yes made of wood what kind of flooring would you
like wood sir you need to be a little bit more specific with me all wood flooring all wood
floorings thank you for calling sears automotive this is brian how many in your business today
hey boy how are you i'm good how are you oh i don't care it's none of your business uh just
It's calling about I need to get a new fuel pump put in a 1999 Honda Accord four-door.
Okay.
I got the part machines and everything.
I want you motherfuckers to put it in.
Okay, we can't hang customer parts.
What?
So you'd have to use your own then?
Shit.
Uh-huh.
All right.
I'll cancel the purchase with eBay, all right?
So you guys will put it in.
You'll take care of it.
So I'm going to have the car towed over there right now, and you guys better do it, all right?
Now, I'm coming down.
I'm going to bring a GoPro video camera.
i'm gonna mount it on uh i've got three of them i'm gonna mount it in different spots on the car
on the vehicle and i'm also gonna when he's when you guys are doing the repair i'll be there
recording it too on my iphone and the guy whoever's working on the car if he can just narrate and
explain what he's doing as as he's doing it just to teach it and then i'm gonna go ahead and use
that so i can do it myself the next time if i'm gonna pay you however much it is for parts and
labor and all that bull crap i'm gonna make sure that i can do it next time so okay i'm gonna
record it's gonna be recorded on three different mounted cameras three different angles and then
i'll be there too and who's who do you think will be working on the car uh it'd be chris warren
all right and does he got a good speaking voice yeah and he's not gonna have a problem with me
filming the whole thing i don't know all right well can you put him on the line then or can you
ask him sure can you hold for just a moment all right go ahead buddy thanks
okay you're still with me hey boy hello hey buddy i'm here buddy how you doing okay um is the the
fuel pump in the gas tank uh i don't know well you tell me i told you it's a 99 honda accord
what's the problem hold on a second wow you don't know wow it is in the gas tank we don't drop tanks
so what what do you mean you don't drop tanks you don't take tracks out motherfucker i don't i don't
But I do fuel pumps in the tank.
Then what the fuck am I supposed to do, motherfucker?
I don't know.
Damn motherfuckers.
Really?
You guys are a bunch of pussy-ass motherfuckers.
Okay, thank you.
What's the problem?
You guys scared because you're so inferior that you can't do it,
that you're going to start a fire, motherfucker?
I'll do it.
I'll take the tank out.
I'll take the tank out.
Okay.
office operator. Hang on. I got
a deal. I can get a deal.
I can get an insurance company to
cover it. Would that work out?
Hello? Hello? Yeah, hi.
You guys do insurance, right?
Yes, it's Western Southern Life. Okay, well, I'm gonna
take my car to the Sears auto
machine motherfuckers. They gotta
drop the tank to put a fuel tank
fuel sensor. What was it?
Fuel pump in, motherfucker.
Excuse me? I'm gonna get a
1999 Honda Accord
and I'm going to get a fuel pump put in the motherfucker.
But to do that, you've got to drop the gas tank motherfucking shit.
So Sears said I have to get insurance.
So this is a life insurance company, not auto insurance.
Sears said that if I get a life insurance policy on the guy, Chris Warren,
who's going to be doing the repair,
if I take out a life insurance instead in case the car explodes to cover him,
then that they will do it.
Okay, let me let you talk to an agent, okay?
Hold on one second.
All right, damn it.
sir you need to watch your language okay you need to transfer the call sir and mind your business
mind your business you need to calm down you're the one cussing at me on the phone
you have a nice day no no come on find the guy come on please
games college inside our life this is christina may i help you i'm sorry excuse me i'm sorry
okay hold on i'll transfer you to an agent okay damn it thank you
Yeah, Tim, this is Ron.
Hello?
Hello, this is Ron.
Hi, Ron, yes, I need to take out a life insurance machine
out on the guy who's going to be repairing my car
at the Sears Auto Center
so in case the motherfucking car blows up,
it'll cover him and his death for his survivor motherfuckers.
And then they said that then they'll fix the motherfucking car.
Excuse me, let me back up just a minute.
What was it again?
I'm hard time following you.
All right, so I'm going to get a car,
a 1999 Honda Accord fix.
The fuel pump needs to be fixed.
In order to do that, the mechanic at the Sears auto part has to remove the gas tank and bring it down.
But the problem is that Sears won't do that unless they take out a life insurance policy on the mechanic
so that in the 10% chance that the car will explode and kill him,
it will cover his benefits to pay his wife and his daughter and his son, you know,
pay him out in case the car explodes and kills him.
Okay.
So you need me to do a life insurance policy on the mechanic?
Yeah, and then this.
I didn't get that.
That's what you want to do is a life insurance policy on the mechanic?
Yeah, I need to make sure that that's in there also.
In case that happens then.
Power.
I don't know how you write it down.
I don't know how you spell that.
Are you telling me you need a life insurance policy on the mechanic?
Yeah, in case he goes like this.
And you're paying for it?
Absolutely.
Well, yeah.
Sears isn't going to pay for this and I have to.
and it should say that in case
the mechanic's name is Chris
something. I can call him.
Can you get a phone number?
Yeah, I can get it. You want to call?
Can you conference him and we'll talk to him?
I can't conference him. I don't have that
ability. Do I have to do it?
Chris Warren. Yeah, can you do it?
I can. Would you? Yeah.
Do you want to? Let me give you my direct
line. Why? All you have to do
is stay on the line. I take care of it.
Okay, okay. I'll stay on the line.
We'll take it easy. Do you like Chipotle?
It's okay.
Hey, we're calling Sears Automotive.
This is Brian.
How many are in your business today?
Hey, Brian.
I've got a gentleman with life insurance.
What was your name, sir?
Ron Rolls.
Yeah, I've got Ron Rolls on the line, and we were supposed to talk about Chris Warren.
We were going to take out an insurance policy on him.
Take out an insurance policy?
Yeah.
I'm not understanding what's going on here.
He has to remove the fuel tank.
He's got to drop the tank in order to get to the fuel pump that he's going to repair.
So, he said that he would do it as long as we take out a life insurance policy in case the car blows up and goes like this.
Like that.
Like that?
Yeah.
Okay.
I don't know what's going on, but I don't have time for this.
Well, Mr. Rolls, can you explain to him what your life insurance covers?
Well, I'm not sure what we talk about either.
Because, I mean, now, the problem is if it blows up within two years, it's going to be contested from our company.
Okay.
So, if it blows up immediately, it's going to be contested.
Really?
Within two years?
We have a two-year contestability period.
Right.
We don't do fuel pumps.
Well, we've got to take it out two years in advance,
but after that, then I could get a fix,
and if the car explodes, then he'd be okay.
We're not going to do a fuel pump.
Okay.
No, it's between, can you put Chris on?
Because he was talking to me about it.
He said it was just fine,
that he would take care of it on the day that you weren't in.
Excuse me?
He said he was going to do it on the day that you weren't in this week.
Who?
Chris.
You didn't talk to Chris.
Yeah, you did.
I talked to him already.
He already worked this all out.
I said, as long as we take out the life insurance policy, that it was fine.
All right, Mr. Rolls, let's say after the two years, and how much does it pay out?
It will pay out the face amount, but it will go through a contestability period
where they will investigate the policy, make sure all the answers on the application were correct.
Yeah, but after two years?
Yeah, I know, but after two years?
It will pay out even before the two years.
I'm just saying that there will be a two-year contestability period on the policy.
But it could probably out after two months, you know, once we do the investigation.
Hey, listen.
You know, I love these phone pranks as much as anybody, but this is, you know, I'm very busy, and I don't have time for this.
Yeah, I'm starting to think this is a prank, too, Mr. Rolls.
I don't really appreciate this, that you're wasting my time and the gentleman at the Sears Auto Center with this joke.
Sir.
Bye.
Okay?
Oh, my God.
That was fucking insane.
I've been catering.
This is Clinton.
Hey, motherfucker.
How are you?
All right, good.
You sound great today.
Excellent.
I'm doing great, too.
The Flaming Bananas Foster dessert, is that made to order?
Like, is it on fire the whole time, or how does that work exactly when you do that catering?
Who am I speaking to?
My name is Leon Victors.
What it is is we'll have, with a propane burner, we'll ignite it in front of the room,
do the whole production on that, and then you can do it one of two ways,
and the guests would come up to the station where we're preparing it
and we would serve it onto the ice cream.
Okay, so I've built a large wooden owl.
It's called Enoch.
And what I'd like is to kind of incorporate that into it.
It actually has a propane system built into it.
It has a big mouth that drops open and the flames are consumed.
zoomed the flames like just out of the mouth and we all say enoch enoch like that and then there's
this all-seeing eye also and it has five different industrial lasers on it and they focus with the
lens on the all-seeing eye triangle in it it'll also um shoot out and it's enough to start light
fires it can actually light you know what i'm gonna let you talk to randy stuff you're talking
talking about is right up randy's alley just a sec okay all right cool hello this is randy how
can i help you hey how are you you're right all right so what we're gonna do is i've got i want
the bananas foster to be brought out and you guys do the whole production with the flaming and all
that and i've we've we've created a large wooden owl with lit up eyes and a mouth that drops open
in and it's connected to a propane gasoline system and we all say enoch enoch enoch like that
and then there's this um all seeing eye pyramid triangle that comes up and we built in these
industrial uh computerized lasers that all focus into a lens and those beam of light will come
purple beam of light comes off of the the floating eye machine and it can light anything on fire what
What happens is it aims right for the owl's mouth.
It's called Enoch, the owl.
We're like, Enoch.
And it goes like that.
And it actually catches the fire.
It goes like that.
And we're like, Enoch, Enoch, Enoch, like that.
And then we put things in there for sacrifices.
We write down these intentions and prayers.
And we put them inside there to burn it.
But then what we want to do is have the bananas fostered in front of it.
And it lights on fire.
The bananas fostered like that.
like that and then we all share it and eat it is this going to be indoors yeah yeah it's going to
be in a window windowless tavern it's uh yeah yeah do you know do you know who the shriner you know
the shriners you ever heard of us the shriners and the the freemasons uh-huh yeah the yeah yeah
yeah we have a shrine here and we were going to have our anniversary for the founding of our
chapter but of the mason lodge so we have the evil we have the dark mass evil thing we're like
Like that.
The guy comes out and is like, I am Enoch.
And Satan comes out and he does his part of the show.
And then we have the masturbation contest.
It's all the secret stuff that you heard of.
It's all true.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then we have one guy and he's like, I'm suicidal.
I'm suicidal.
And we're all like, don't do it.
And he shoots himself in the head.
Okay.
Yeah.
What date is this on?
It's going to be 4th of July weekend.
But we can move it.
We can move it whenever you want, motherfucker.
What's going on?
What?
Huh?
What do you mean, what's going on?
What does that mean?
I don't know.
You said it.
You must have meant something to you because you said it, motherfucker.
Oh, no.
Somebody was talking in the kitchen.
So, yeah, we can make bananas foster.
Was that the question?
Yeah.
Yeah, we can make bananas foster.
All right, motherfucker.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
We're calling West for an animal hospital.
Hello?
Hello?
Thank you for calling Westridge Animal Hospital.
This is Amber.
How may I help you?
Do, do, do, do, do, do.
Are there any male doctors there?
Dr. Troop is in with a client right now.
May I take a message for him?
Oh, is there an inferior female doctor?
She is in with a client also.
May I take a message for her?
Yes.
I need her interrupted and with the following message.
Okay.
Crackers, the duck is with child.
And I'll hold here for her reply, please.
Okay.
Hi, this is Christina.
How can I help you?
Oh, what do you do there, honey?
I am a technician here.
Oh, that's nice, honey.
That's nice.
Did you pass on that message to the doctor?
It's a private message.
Did you do that, honey?
Um, what was the message?
It's Crackers the Duck is with Child.
Okay, and which doctor?
The female, woman, inferior doctor.
Okay, let me put you on hold for just a moment.
Uh, okay.
May I ask who's calling?
Leon Victors.
Leon Victors.
Yes, that's me.
Thank you.
Bye, bitch.
Peterson Publications, this is Diana
Hey, Labia, how are you?
Hey, good, how are you?
Good, yeah, well you guys published a private publication
I want it to look like a newspaper
It's going to be like a newsletter
I have created the file
I just need you guys to put in the basic headline on the top
It's going to say, Rose from Red Robin is a fucking whore
I'm sorry?
I need it to say like a newspaper on the top
It'll say, Rose from Red Robin is a fucking whore
Like that really big on the top
and then I have
I'm sorry
we're not going to be able
to help you
oh but I have the picture
of her also
that I took on my cell phone
and then I have
an old article
I wrote out
about how she's a bad person
and she ruined my order
three times in a row
and she was rude to me
I'm sorry
we're not going to be able
to help you with that
and then I also got her docs
you know
I got her docs
Lux and those guys
they got me her docs
so I know all her
I got her Facebook page
I'm sorry
we're not going to be able
to help you
motherfucker
what was your name
Thank you for calling American Family, this is Emily, how may I help you?
Hello?
Hello, did you get that?
No, I didn't.
Okay, I was asking about getting an insurance policy on a mechanic who's going to be working on my car in case the car blows up.
You know, I needed to cover him.
And who am I speaking with?
My name is Leon, Leon Victors.
He works at the Sears Auto Center on the other side of the block.
Okay, I'm here now, and in order for him to do the repair,
he agreed to take out the gas tank, but in case the car blows up, like this,
then if I take out an insurance policy on his name,
then he'll be covered and his family will be covered in case he gets hurt.
That's the only way Sears will let me do it in the auto center, motherfuckers.
To take out a life insurance policy?
Yeah.
Okay, I'm going to have you talk to my agent.
Hold on one second.
This
is andy hey boy how are you i'm doing all right okay so what i was
explaining to the lady i'm glad you're a man i'm here at the sears auto center i'm getting my
1999 Honda Accord repaired.
It needs a replacement of the fuel pump.
Now, in order to do that, they actually have to remove the gas tank and drop the gas tank.
Now, Sears won't cover the insurance on the mechanic, Chris, in case something were to happen to him.
So, he is independently offered to do the repair as long as I take a life insurance policy out on him
in case of the 1 in 10 chance that the vehicle will explode as a result of the work he's doing.
and this will just just to cover him not sears in this case sears would probably sue me at that
point so he's talking about doing this on his own and in his own garage no no in the sears auto
center okay okay okay all right he's gonna do his boss isn't gonna be in on sunday so he's gonna do
it then okay and there shouldn't be any more customers there so the only risk is to himself
as far as life and property and what will happen is if he does this his normal workman's compensation
Compensation and work life insurance benefits won't be covered
because he's doing it when the store is, A, supposed to be closed,
and, B, it's side work that he's doing in there.
But the manager independently said it's no problem
as long as we're covering him and he's okay with that.
So we're going to take out a life insurance policy
in case the motherfucker blows up and it fucking burns all the shit down
and burns his face and all that shit.
Okay.
Yeah, he's still with all these fucking scars on him
and, like, the meat on the bones is all gone like a motherfucker, you know?
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay, well, I would need to speak with the person that's going to be working on the vehicle then.
All right, can you hold the line?
I can put them on.
Sure.
Okay, what was your name?
Andy.
Agent Andy?
Yes.
And you have a license?
Yes.
Do you have it there with you?
Can you give me the number so I can get it cross-referenced right now?
No, I don't have it now.
I mean, I can give you my national producer's number.
Yeah, what's that?
But I'm not real comfortable giving that out yet until I know exactly,
until I actually talk to the person that I'm going to be taking the life insurance policy out of.
Yeah, well, just to let you know, if this is going to work out,
you're going to have to give those credentials because I have to double-check that you're not a POS, you know?
Well, if you're at Sears Auto Center, I'm 200 yards straight south of you with my name on the sign.
I've been here for, or with my name on the building, I've been here for a year and a half.
Oh, okay.
Okay, that's nice.
So, I mean, it's not like you're calling some 1-800 number.
No, I know.
That's why I'm calling someone local.
I decided as local as possible, and there you are, okay?
Because I talked to Western and Southern, and they're a bunch of jerk-offs, to be honest with you.
Okay, okay.
Well, yeah, I would just need to speak with the individual, then, about who's interested.
All right, all right, okay, all right, I got you.
All right, hang on, all right?
Jesus.
Sorry for the wait.
Thanks for calling Sears Automotive.
This is Ethan.
How am I in your business today?
Hey, Ethan, yes, you may.
Hey, I have Agent Andy here with the life insurance signing.
We're calling because of your employee, Chris, the mechanic.
All right.
And did you just talk to Brian by any chance?
No, no, not yet.
But we need to talk to Chris regarding the insurance coverage we're getting on him for the deal for him to work on that car.
He's on the line now.
Andy, are you there?
Agent Andy?
Yes, I'm here.
He's here.
I'm sorry.
You're going to have to call back another time.
Why?
Because we're trying to work here
And I don't want to mess with it
Listen Andy with the life insurance up the street
He said he's going to kick your fucking ass
Andy Brunin
You see how they are man
Andy
Andy's the one that hung up on you dude
Oh yeah
Oops my bad
We're calling Dr. Hamilton Wilson-Hendrickson.
Dr. Carly, how are you?
Hello?
Hello?
Oh, yes.
Hi.
Hi.
I have a problem with my tooth.
Oh, uh-huh.
My tooth.
Where's your braces?
Yeah, my teeth are not straight.
Uh-huh.
And when I talk now, I have like a whistle that keeps coming.
It started this morning.
In the morning, I got a punch in the face when I was trying to start a fight in a bar, and I already had braces, and I'm out of tone.
I'm on a contractor work thing for four years, so I have to find my own orthodontist first to get this fixed.
Okay.
My braces are digging into my gums, and I have teeth that are half broken.
It looks like I have shark's teeth in the front.
Okay.
And you have braces currently?
Yes.
They hit me with a baseball bat, and I can barely talk now.
My mouth is swollen, and I woke up with my pants unbuttoned.
Uh-huh.
Yes.
And you have a current orthodontist or you do not?
In New York City, where I'm from, I'm from the Billings.
I just moved here for the next five years for a computer company contract that I'm going to be working on.
I have temporary housing.
And I was out at this bar and I got into a fist fight.
and they used a baseball mat on me because i read them at pool and he said i'm gonna hit you right
in the in the gd braces you mfr look at your glass he took my glasses and he he stepped on
him and he bashed him with his uh baseball bat and then he said this is this is what you're
gonna get and that's the last i remember and then they said that he hit me in the face with a
baseball bat and was pounding me and i was pressed out and i woke up and my pants were on button
and my braces were digging into my gums and my lips from the inside and all of my teeth in front
on the top and bottom are cracked and they're sharp like shark's teeth okay and and my braces
are all messed up and they're digging in into my tongue when i talk and i have this whistling noise
now when did this happen did this just happen last night yes okay um and did you go the emergency
room or anything i can't go because i was gambling illegally and i was using a magnet to cheat at
billiards and they found out and they attacked me because of that so if i go to the hospital
they did what will happen is because the the car the carbone family is really strong in this city
you know the carbone family they're a mafia family these guys were working for them and they'll know
that i went to the hospital and that i snitched and they'll come after me and finish the job they
They said.
Oh.
Well, probably the best thing to do would be to get you in as soon as we can
to take a look at everything to see what can be done.
Uh-huh.
What's your name, sir?
Leon Vickers.
W-I-L-L-I-A-M?
Yes.
And spell the last name for me.
V-I-C-T-O-R-S.
V as in violin?
Yes.
V-I-C-T-O-R-S?
Yes.
Good call.
Um, let me see, let me put you on hold one second.
And you said this just happened last night?
Yes.
Okay, let me see, um, if we can get you in today or what we can do.
Oh, thank you.
Do you have transportation here?
Yes.
When's your birthday?
June 20th.
June 20th?
Yeah.
Of what year?
79.
79.
Okay.
All right, one moment, please.
Okay.
William?
Yes?
Okay, thanks for holding.
I talked to my office manager, and we're going to talk to the doctor to see for sure what we need to do.
You may need to go see an oral surgeon or somebody.
I mean, we may refer you to someone who's going to be able to take better care of you than what,
because I don't know that we'll be able to do anything right now for you.
Do you have some broken teeth?
Mm-hmm.
Do you have broken teeth?
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
How many are broken?
All of them from the incisors end, from the front to the...
Incisors?
And all the front teeth are?
Yeah.
Upper and lower?
Yes.
Yes?
Yes.
And they've broken off, but part of them's still in there, and the braces are holding them in?
They're sharp like shark's teeth.
They look like shark teeth?
Yes.
Is that what you said?
Yes.
Okay.
Oh.
So we may give you, we're double-checking with the doctor and see if maybe we need to have you call an oral surgeon and visit with them or where you need to go for sure.
Okay.
Yeah, so I'm going to put you on hold if you don't mind, and she's going to check.
Okay.
Okay?
Mm-hmm.
But if I lose you, do you know if you have any insurance that will help you with the coverage?
Yes.
Who are you insured through?
Blue Cross Blue Shield.
Okay.
And where are you working right now?
I work for International Business Machines, IBM, yeah.
And you said that you're going to be here for a few months?
Three years.
For three years?
Yes.
Thank you, William. I know it's probably hard to talk. Your teeth probably hurt.
I'm going to put you on hold one second, okay, William?
Okay.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Christ the King.
Pardon me?
Hello. Yes, hi.
Hi, this is Leon. I'm with the Church of the Machine.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Did you have a problem?
or something? No, you called
me. Yeah, well, the pastor called over here
and he said that he was going to destroy
us, he was going to bring us down,
that we weren't going to take... Well, that's pretty impossible
because he's not here. I know. He called
me from his personal phone number.
I don't think so. Yes, he did.
He said, I heard you're new in town.
Cargo, my cargo, 160, swiftly, I can buy you new one, you can run, run, run, you can run, run, I know you sick of this lame brand, nigga with flows, girl, stay heat, sweet like nigga wrist, don't kick with this, nigga, it's easy, girlfriend, here's a bet, call me round 10, come through, have sex on rocks, that's perfect, play your job, hit you while you're working, for certain, pop a freaking, not speaking, leave that ass leaking, like rap with Demo, tell him move, take that clothes off, slow it,
Good afternoon, Jade Travel.
Hello.
Hello.
Yeah, do you cover train machines?
Do we what?
Do you cover train machines?
Train machines?
This is a travel agency.
Exactly.
William?
Yes?
This is Carla.
Our doctors recommended that you call your current orthodontist that you're working with.
Okay.
and um then um whoever he recommends you to in this area for a regular dentist that probably
the best thing to do is to start there okay i'll do this okay so call your or call your regular
dentist where are you from new york city say it again manhattan oh you're from manhattan new york
new york yes yeah um yeah call your regular dentist there or um call a uh your orthodontist
Okay.
Thank you, Mr. Toilet Machine, for taking my contribution.
Oh.
You can't be asking me no questions.
I'm going to tell you why I'm mad.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm going to tell you why I'm mad.
This is Lana.
Yeah, I'm a little mad.
I was talking to you on the phone, and you disconnected.
What's that about?
Who am I talking to?
This is Mr. Leon Victors.
Who am I talking to?
My name is Lana.
This is Jade Travel in Topeka, Kansas.
Yeah, exactly. What's the problem?
I live in Topeka, Kansas, and I need transportation on the train machine.
Hold on just a moment.
I don't think you had called here, sir.
We do not handle the train.
You don't have a train machine there?
You just have a plane machine then?
Only?
We only sell airline. We do not sell train tickets.
Get me at once. I need a plane machine ticket.
It needs to fly me to Freeport, Bahamas,
And from there, I'm going to want to get a, can you do the hotel for the fornication?
Sir, I'm not going to listen to this anymore.
I'm hanging up right now.
Labia, labia, labia.
Yes, I'd like to ask a question about when I come in there.
You do have the glass partitions there, correct?
The what?
You have the glass partitions between me and where the sandwich machine is being made?
Yeah.
Okay.
Can I bring a baseball bat with me?
No, sir.
Why not?
Because I would prefer if you did not.
All right.
It's a free country.
Well, then bring it.
Don't use it.
Thanks.
I won't use it, but...
Fucking bitch.
I am Dark Stranger.
Well, yeah, I'll have to make an order.
Yes.
Okay.
What do you need?
Do you need a name or a number or just do order?
It could be a name.
Okay.
Leon.
Leon.
Leon.
How's your phone number?
Yeah, 6-2-4-20-14.
Okay, one egg roll.
One other egg roll.
Yep, one chicken on stick.
One other chicken.
One fried wonton.
One fried wonton.
One fried dumpling.
One crab rangoon.
One fried chicken wings.
One summer roll.
One chicken satay.
One spicy meat dumpling.
One fried tempura.
One fried calamari.
One chicken lettuce wrap.
One appetizer tray.
Okay, a small egg drop soup, one sizzling rice with chicken soup, one tofu with vegetable soup.
Order anything from the menu?
No, no, just a few things more.
One green salad with ginger dressing, one spicy crab salad, and one seaweed salad.
Okay, can I get the total, please?
$103 and what?
$103.04.
Okay, all right.
How long will it be?
Yeah, but it should take around 40 minutes.
Okay, see you later.
Okay, what phone number again?
Yeah, 624-2014.
624-2014?
Yeah.
And your name, please?
Leon.
Leon.
How do you spell it?
Leon, L-E...
L-E-O?
No, L-E...
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Thank you.
Yeah, look, don't make, okay?
Don't make.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, don't make that food.
Don't make food.
Don't make the food?
No, no, no.
Okay?
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay, don't make, because it's a lot of money, a lot of food.
I don't want that, okay?
Okay, thank you.
Thank you.
Helm instead, senior care, this is Joy.
Hello?
Yeah, I need to speak to my grandfather.
Okay, this is Helm instead.
Who are you looking for?
Yeah, my granddad.
Okay, who's your grandpa?
Yeah, that's his name.
I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
You get that?
Helm instead, senior care.
Yeah, I need to speak to Don Cricon.
I'm sorry, we don't, I don't know anybody by that name.
Alright, do you have Mr. Akulo?
No.
Who do you have there?
Can I get room number 12, please?
Are you looking for Homestead?
Yes.
This is Homestead.
We take care of seniors with...
Homestead.
Do you have seniors there with bowel movements and gas, incontinence, and...
Like that?
Do they shit and piss everywhere?
I'm sorry, what was your name?
This is Hy-Vee Grocery Store.
No, your name was again?
My name was Ben.
Can you transfer me to the deli department, please?
Yeah, just a second.
James, what's up? It's Ronnie from Produce.
Oh, hey.
Hey, look, I was just talking to Ben up front.
Oh, already?
He was talking a lot of trash about you, bro.
Was that shit true, what he said?
That you drink in the back of the store?
Like you got like a bottle or something he saw you drinking out of the cabinet
and he said he thinks it's codeine cough syrup that you had back there?
Seriously, that's what he told me.
He said, I was drinking codeine cough syrup.
Yeah, that's what Ben said.
Who's Ben?
In the front, in front of the store.
Yeah.
You know who I'm talking about, right?
No, I don't know any Ben.
I mean, you want to go there right now and ask?
It's him.
He's the guy that's answering the phone.
The guy answering the phones?
Yep.
On me drinking codeine cough syrup?
Yep.
To me, to a few of the other people that were on, like, the few customers.
customers there was a customer she was saying that her grandfather has a problem with the
coating cough syrup and he chimed in and he was like oh yeah we've got a guy in in the store i'm
not going to say who it is and he mouthed it to me he was like you know like that and i was like
wow not him in the deli yeah and then he was like yeah he he keeps going back through all the time
he ducks in the back and he comes back and he's all his eyes are all glassed over and he smells
Mel's, like, the codeine cough syrup that my granddad gets for his bronchitis, his chronic bronchitis.
And the one lady was like, oh, yeah, they do that.
They get into it.
They bring it to work, and they leave it hidden, and they keep taking swigs every once in a while.
Yeah, he was, she was, like, all, like, yeah.
Like, I think they're going to drug test everybody now is what they were talking about.
They can drug test me all they want.
I'm clean.
I know, but, yeah, but for some reason, he's thinking that you're going to get pinched.
I'm going to get pinched?
Yeah.
Nah, they're just going to sit me down, have me pee in a cup, and then find out that I'm clean.
Yeah, I know, but in the meantime, he's talking crap about you in front of the store and me, an employee.
And there were a few cashiers I could hear, I'm sure.
He was saying it real loud, and all the customers, some of them were like,
like that, you know, and everything.
Huh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anyway, I'm just letting you know, bro, because I know you're not like that.
I know.
You said his name's Ben?
Yeah.
All right.
Well, I'm going to finish what I'm doing here, and I'll go see you about this.
Oh, yeah, man, for real.
And if you want to tell him to call me, tell him to send Ronnie from Produce over.
No, I got your back.
All right.
All right.
I'll see you, man.
Peace.
Thanks for calling McDonald's.
Why not?
Do you want to make it unlikely that I'm going to help you?
Hey, boy, how you doing?
All right.
I got an issue.
So you got the hot coffee there.
It's got all the warnings on it that it's hot and to be careful with it.
Okay.
But then I ordered an iced coffee and I have sensitive teeth and there's no warnings on
the stupid cup that it's cold.
It's too cold?
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's beyond normal temperature cold.
It's frozen.
The ice is frozen, isn't it?
Yeah.
So listen to me.
Listen to me.
I drink this crap without a straw because you don't give me a straw.
It hits my teeth, the nerves in my teeth that are exposed.
That's why I have a problem with my teeth, sensitive teeth.
And I spit this stuff.
I get an instant zap in my nerves.
I spit all this crap and spill it all over my windshield.
I'm going down I-70 and this happens.
and I ran right off of the road and almost landed in the river.
Wow.
Well, I apologize about that, sir.
Well, what was your name?
What was your name?
My name is Mike Jackson.
Okay, all right.
Well, I'm holding you responsible.
What's your Social Security number?
I don't know, sir.
I'd have to look for that.
You find it now.
Yes, sir.
If you call back in like 20 minutes, I'll have that for you.
Listen, boy, can you have access to the office?
Yes, sir.
All right.
All right, put me on hold, pick me up in the office, and we're going to go through your file.
Okay, I'll do that.
Well, call me right now.
Put me on hold here and walk there.
He said he was going to do it, motherfucker.
He likes being called boy, too.
Call Batteries Plus Bullets.
Nick, how can I help you?
Baby, baby, baby, baby.
Hello?
Hello?
Baby, baby, baby.
You know, I had a question about the batteries that I'm trying to get.
Okay.
All right, which battery would be best for throwing through a side window on a car to break the window?
Hello?
Do you think D's?
No, I think C's.
My name's Devin.
I'm retarded.
How are you, sir?
What?
I have some batteries I need to ship.
What are your rates currently?
I can give you the exact weight, motherfucker, on it.
All right, I'll go check for you.
All right.
42 pounds of batteries.
Then I need the delivery guy to throw it through the window.
Throw it through the window?
Yeah.
Not sure if he'll do that.
Well, I command him.
How big is the box that you're going to ship?
The dimensions are you asking for?
Yeah.
It's one foot by one foot.
It's a perfect one-foot sphere.
Is
it there by a certain day?
No, just get it over there and through the window.
It'll be about 50 bucks if they're on Friday.
That's the least expensive UPS ground option.
Okay, do you think it would be there before 6 o'clock
Before they close on Friday
So that it breaks the window while they're all there
And they see it happening
I don't know about that
Well, I can have my friend
Who still lives in Orlando, Artie
I can have him put a couple GoPros
Up with suction cups
Just to capture the footage then
And then we'll post it on YouTube
I would just have to have
Can you have the delivery man call me
On my number
Just so I can confer with him
What angle I need him to come in
And what I need him to say and do
and then I need him to sign a release form.
I'll fax it to him.
Can I put you on hold for one second?
Okay.
All right, you still there?
No.
All right.
Well, I mean, if you're serious, you'd have to call UPS about that.
All right.
I can give you their number if you want.
Okay.
I know a couple of guys that work over there.
Really?
Over at our location?
Yeah, yeah, Willie.
I know Willie over there and Jim Bob.
Yeah, there's no Willie or Jim Bob.
Maybe I'm confused.
It's somewhere else.
Anyway, who's in?
Is there anything else for you?
Did you have the number?
Yeah.
Are you ready for it?
All right, thank you.
Bye.
Useless.
Fucking beep the number at me, motherfucker.
Hey, boy, how are you?
Hey, how many hot dogs do you have in the grill right now, in the burner, ready to go?
Do what?
How many hot dogs are in the warmer, ready to go?
We don't have any.
Why not?
Because you have to go to Hy-Vee to buy you some, then go grill them.
You don't have any hot dogs?
No, we don't sell them.
So what do I do?
Without.
What do you have, sandwiches, then?
What do I do without?
Thank you for calling Bullfrogs on One.
I'm a maker.
This is Garrett.
How may I help you?
Hey, Garrett.
Hey.
Hey, Garrett.
The soccer games, you're going to have it tonight, the 6 o'clock soccer game, I hope.
We're definitely going to have the 6 o'clock soccer game on tonight.
And you're going to have it on in Spanish.
We're going to have it on in Spanish?
Yep, I order you.
you order me yes fuck what game are you looking for the six o'clock the 6 p.m soccer game tonight
effeminate man what go ahead i'm looking on the sheet okay june 24 game shit you have japan versus
columbia right now i have japan and columbia are they on right now you guys have them on one sec
yeah we have it on all right i need you to have it on in spanish or there could be some mexican
riots were coming in a little bit he wants it in spanish or there could be a mexican riot
because he wants a mexican riot no there could be one if it's not in spanish we don't even think we
can put you don't have to put spanish subtitles you have to put it on louis vuitton and they're
carrying it you have to put it on univision tell her to put it on univision and see if it comes
through univision yeah it's a channel channel yeah we just have these sets of the channels that
that we turn them to, and it's on Japan, ESPN.
Well, you need to put it on in Spanish,
or there's going to be big trouble when the Mexicans,
there's 58 Mexicans coming in with baseball bats to watch the game.
Well, hopefully there's not big trouble, because then they'll just have to leave.
Well, there's 58 of us here with baseball bats.
Fifty-eight.
With baseball bats.
Okay, well, that just sounds like a threat.
I don't know if I can talk to you anymore.
No, no, we're just, we have decorated festivals.
Well, you're telling me you've got baseball bats,
and you're trying to cause a riot.
If I can't get the channel to the right station,
that sounds pretty threatening.
It's our tradition to carry Mexican soccer team baseball bats when we go to games.
It's a tradition.
Mexican soccer team baseball bats?
Yeah.
We're a football club.
We're an FC.
Well, I sure hope by the time that game turns on, they can get in Spanish,
because I will not be here.
Is Columbia winning right now?
Because if they're not winning, they're going to be angry when they get there.
Is Columbia winning?
Did you change it to that date?
I don't have that game on right now because nobody's watching.
Well, there's going to be big trouble when we get there then.
Okay.
They might.
What we're going to do is we're going to tell you, put it on all the TVs now.
The TVs that don't have the soccer game are going to get baseball batted.
Well, I don't think I can help you out, man.
We're going to break all the windows.
We're going to break all the TV sets.
I'll just go ahead and call the police, have them here for whenever you 60 people show up.
All right, do it.
Fine.
We're on the way now.
Okay.
Let's be.
Hey, baby.
How are you?
Hi.
Good.
Good. I think I called you the other day about a bowel movement problem I was having in the beef bowl.
Who was in here? I'm not sure if it was me. Who was in here?
Well, I had a bowel movement problem. After I had one of your beef bowls, I took it to have a bowel movement, and it worked.
Okay. Who did you talk to?
Some Puerto Rican lady, Mexican lady or something.
Okay. I don't know if you want to talk to the manager. He's in right now.
Yeah, well, hurry up, little girl.
Okay.
Good afternoon, thank you for calling
This is Luis, how can I help you?
Is there an American I can talk to?
An American?
What do you mean?
Like an American citizen or someone that I can talk to
Who speaks English
What can I help you with?
Is there someone I can talk to who speaks English?
Oh, you don't think I speak English?
Well, there's like an accent, I'm having trouble understanding you
Okay, so then if you have any questions, you can call the main office if you like.
No, I call you people.
Yeah, that's what I say. I can help you if you can.
You can help me?
Yeah.
Okay, I'll talk very slow so you understand me.
No problem.
I had a problem with using the toilet and going to the bathroom.
And the doctor at the hospital said to eat a beef bowl because it has fiber and I could have a bowel movement and shit in the toilet.
And I talked to the lady, and she said not to worry, to give it some more time.
And I wanted to let her know that it worked.
I took a big fucking shit in the toilet.
Yeah.
It broke the toilet.
It took two weeks for me to have a bowel movement, and I filled up the bowl.
I filled it up to the top.
The feces is above the water even.
It's so much.
Yeah.
You want to go in there now?
Go in there now.
I want to show you.
Yeah, I'm going to.
All right, do you have a cordless phone?
Yes, I do.
All right, take it in there now.
I'll tell you where it is, okay?
I'll be here.
You see the first toilet, the first one?
No, in the men's room.
Yeah, in there.
You see the toilet?
The toilet is fine.
Yeah, well...
You probably call it to someplace else.
You think maybe someone fixed it?
No.
Oh, wow.
Hey, take your...
I think you call it the runner's store, maybe.
No, no, no.
Look, I want you to take down your pants and your underwears and sit on the toilet.
No, the toilet is fine. There's no problem.
No, I want you to take down your pants and your underwears and sit on the toilet.
Yes.
Do it.
There's no problem.
Take down your pants and underwear and sit on it.
Sir, if I'm telling you there's no problem, there's no problem.
Well, I don't hear you.
Everything is fine.
I don't hear your pants going down.
Yes, the toilet is fine. There's no problem at all, sir.
Let me hear you put your pants down.
Sorry.
Take down your pants. Take down your pants.
Sir.
What?
Why?
Everything is fine.
There's no problem.
Your pantal...
I think you went someplace else.
Pantalones.
Take off your pantalones.
Why?
Why?
There's no problem at all.
Okay.
Go into the girls' bathroom now.
The women's room.
Yeah, the women's room is fine.
No, go in there.
Go in.
Yeah, that's the same thing.
There's no problem at all.
No, you didn't look.
I need to show you.
Oh, yes, I did.
I took a baseball bat.
I have a customer right here with me.
I took a baseball bat.
I took a baseball bat in the bathroom, in the women's bathroom.
No, everything is fine, sir.
Well, I broke everything in there.
No, you're not.
Fucking asshole.
Thank you, sir.
We're calling.
Motherfucker.
Nothing but smooth sailing.
I spit shots, now you're cruised barely.
Thank you for choosing Gertz.
This is Amanda from A Director Calls.
Where's Ben at?
He's back here.
Would you like to speak with Ben?
Yeah.
Just a moment, please.
Okay.
Are you looking to drink more water?
Yeah.
Find yourself wanting more flavor?
This is Ben.
Hey, Ben.
Did the guy from Deli talk to you, James?
No.
Okay, can you transfer me over there?
Yeah, just a second.
Thank you.
Contact your Topeka Hy-Vee dietician for more flavor ideas.
It's right now.
Doon!
Deli department, you have a call on line one.
Deli, line one.
Yes, sir.
Century Plus, this is Maria, your service.
Hi, Maria, how are you?
Fine, thank you, and you?
Okay, do you like coffee?
Do I like coffee?
Yes, I do.
Maria, right?
Yes, sir.
What kind of coffee do you like?
I like strong coffee.
Okay.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Hey, this is Ronnie here at the front desk at the hotel.
Yeah.
You know, I don't know if you know Maria from the front desk also.
You probably don't know who she is.
No.
Okay, well, anyway, it's her birthday.
We're trying to surprise her.
She loves, like, strong coffee.
So I wanted to, can you, would you guys mind sending someone over real quick with a coffee for me and for her?
What do you mean?
Over in the building?
Yeah, over here in the front desk.
Security?
Not security, no, no.
I'm Ronnie.
I'm at the front desk.
I'm working with Maria today.
Maria?
Yeah, at the front desk here at the Hyatt.
You're calling a different Starbucks.
You're calling the Starbucks in Evan's Storage, the one in, say, St. America.
Isn't this a...
You're calling...
I'm not in the Hyatt Hotel.
You're not?
Where are you at?
The Starbucks is in the building of St. America building.
Oh, the St. America.
Is that far away from here?
It's, uh, I'm like a block away from the hotel.
Can you bring it by, please? I'll suck your dick.
What?
I'll suck your dick.
Oh, man. Fucking misinformation. Fucking Google map motherfucker.
Phone is back from the director's hall.
Yes, hello. I'm calling from the Illuminati. I need to speak to the head person here to invite them to the dark ritual that we're having tonight.
Do you have a contact name?
No, I'm with the Illuminati, young lady.
Do you know who you need to talk to about that, sir?
The head person there.
I am Leon Victors.
We have several.
We have several departments and several heads here.
Give me a name and I can let you know what's on my list.
I'm not permitted to give that information.
Motherfucker.
B-I-T-C-H.
Illuminati motherfucker.
I stay clean.
Triple B, never from dream.
I be that.
Catch me at all events, man.
Gaps and hosters.
Girls on show.
The pleasure.
I lose too much.
Step on stage.
The girls do too much.
Hi, I'm Orson Welles Jr.
I work at the Fox Studio across the way.
I stopped by three weeks ago and, okay,
Okay, I stopped by at 3 o'clock in the morning today.
What?
You stopped by at 3 in the morning?
8 a.m.?
I used your vacuum cleaner.
Oh, you did?
And I lost my wedding ring in it.
This is Crown Co-Owns.
You used our vacuum cleaner at 3 in the morning, and you lost your wedding ring.
Yeah, yeah.
I had my penis in the vacuum cleaner hose while I had it turned on.
And all I know is, like, I had it.
I saw it when I was holding it, and I ejaculated it, and I closed my eyes.
And when I woke up, the wedding ring was gone.
You know, you can get in trouble if I report to your call.
We have a call ID.
We can report to you.
No, no, come on, please.
This is because I know you're...
Don't call here talking about you, jack lady, whatever.
I ain't the one.
I don't play games.
So I will report to you and put you in jail.
All right, listen, can we just check the filter for my wedding ring?
I can tell you exactly what it looks like.
I don't know if they can check the filter for your wedding ring.
You need to come in person and talk to the head manager before they report to you.
uh open up that can you ask for john wilson friday can you please put john wilson on he's
not here he won't come until friday who else is there oh i don't uh who else is there like i said
you need to talk to john wilson the head manager but he's the only one to open up that uh but what
if you guys empty it out before friday it's they won't open they won't empty out before friday but
you're still gonna have to talk to somebody okay because i like ejaculated a lot of semen into it
too, because... Oh, you keep
ejaculating the semen. You know what? You need
to go fuck yourself. Nobody call in here
talking about stupid. Hey, hey, hey. Don't curse at me.
Hey, stupid. How are you?
Hi. Okay, hi.
I need to know
if the partitions in the
bathroom, what are they made out of?
Wait, really?
Yeah.
I don't know.
Can you find out?
I can try.
Okay.
You probably can't go to the men's room, but can you go into the women's room and let me know?
Like, is it like a metal or a laminate or like a basic, like a flatboard wood or what exactly?
Do you want to talk to Kelly?
He might know.
Okay.
All right, honey.
Hold on.
All right, thanks.
He's actually at lunch.
Can I give you a call back?
Well, can you just go into the women's room and look and come back and let me know?
Okay.
What's her name?
My name is Leon Victors.
Phone number?
Well, I'll stay on the line.
No, no, he's eating. He's at lunch.
No, you. I need you to just go to the women's room real quick and look and tell me what it's like.
And then come back.
Alright, hold on.
Okay.
Hi, this is Dean.
Hi, honey.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi, did you go to the bathroom and find out?
Yeah, but I don't know what they're made of still.
Do they look like wood or metal or plastic or what?
I really can't tell.
What color are they?
Blue.
They're blue and they're not metal?
They could be.
I don't really know.
You don't know if they're metal or wood?
You can't tell the difference between the two?
Not when they're blue.
All right, I'm just going to bring in a hammer, an electric screwdriver.
What is this for?
Because I have to make holes in them.
Is there a power outlet in the men's bathroom that I can plug into, my electric screwdriver?
You know what?
Hold on one second, okay?
Okay.
Kelly.
Hey, Big Kelly, how are you?
You have a girl's name.
What can I do for you?
I'm trying to figure out the material that the dividers in the men's restroom are made out of
and if there's a power outlet that I can plug into in there.
You know what?
I would have no idea.
You would need to contact our construction division.
I don't really deal with that.
You don't have a construction division, jackass.
Excuse me?
Do you have a power outlet there?
I'm sure you can go in there and tell me.
Do you have a power outlet that I can plug my electric drill into?
Do you work for the city?
Why are you plugging in a drill into our building?
I'm going to have to make a hole in the partitions.
For what?
Well, you know, just so you can see through the hole.
You can mount something inside of it if you want.
Tap my finger on the side of the hole or tap your foot underneath on the floor.
Yeah, but, you know, this is not your property.
You can't drill into somebody else's property.
I know, but it's for anonymous oral sex.
It's just between two consenting adults.
It's not a problem.
You can't repress that, right, you know?
Yes, we can.
No, you can't.
I got news for you.
It's been going on for years here at your facility.
Because something may or may not happen doesn't make it right.
I bet you if you go there right now, there's at least one person sitting by themselves on one of the stalls just waiting.
And if you sit next to him and tap your foot, you'll get a wonderful surprise on the other end.
Yeah.
You know what?
I think this conversation is not appropriate.
But it's true.
It's true.
I know that you guys have like a don't ask, don't tell policy about it.
I know that a lot of your staff already knows about it.
Some of them partake in it.
Yeah.
Well, I'm done with this conversation.
So, goodbye.
Okay.
Let's be honest.
I love you.
Hey, buddy.
Hello.
Hey, your men's restroom there, does it have a power outlet that I can use?
I'm sorry?
Hello?
Your men's bathroom, the man bathroom?
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Does it have a power outlet in it?
No, we just have the water with what you call it,
with a little sink with the water.
That's all we have.
And a trash can to masturbate into?
Yes, we do.
Okay, all right.
So do you have an outlet that I can plug an extension cord into
and bring it into the bathroom?
I don't know.
You need to speak with the manager or?
Yeah, okay.
Put them on.
Hold on, please.
Okay, bye.
All right.
Hello?
Yeah, what's going on?
What's the delay?
Oh, yeah.
Can you call...
Can you call...
She's not here right now.
Can you call about half hour, maybe?
Okay, fine, motherfucker.
Excitement, their range got towed, they double parked by a Hydra.
Stupid motherfucker.
Hi.
Hey, how fast is the curry, motherfucker?
Hello?
Hello?
Motherfucker.
Hey, how are you, honey, baby?
Can I ask who's calling?
Yeah, this is Leon Valente.
Okay.
And who are you calling for?
I'm calling for Pilates classes.
I'm looking for one that's going to help out with my bowel movements.
I'm sorry, we don't have one.
Yeah, but do you have any that clean my core out, you know, get my core nice and straight?
I need to, my doctor said I have to straighten out the core for my bowel movements to come through better.
Okay, so you're interested in taking classes?
Yeah, but specifically one that will strengthen my bowel core.
Okay, I can ask.
Okay.
I've never heard anyone ask for that before.
Okay, and my feces and all that, it should be that one.
Can you ask?
Thank you for calling the Shepard Method Pilates Studio.
We are located at 2...
I'm getting some water again.
I'll be right back in a few minutes.
Stand by.
I also got to prepare my chicken for the oven.
Good afternoon.
Thank you for calling Nijia Market's cocktail store.
Nijia Market.
For store hours and location, please enter 1 now.
Otherwise, stay on the line or enter 0.
Wait just a moment.
Hello.
Hello.
This is Nijia Market.
Mm-hmm. I'm calling about, I'm eating some stuff.
Huh?
I'm eating this stuff that you guys sell there.
It's called Ichi-ni Gohisho.
Are you looking for something?
Yeah, it's called Chukidashi Bean Sprout.
Chukidashi?
Uh-huh. Chukidashi Bean Sprout.
I'm sorry, your word is not clear. Could you tell me again?
What do you mean clear?
Could you tell me again?
I am not queer.
You stupid.
You stupid.
You stupid.
You stupid.
You stupid.
Are you looking for?
For stupid Japanese?
Yes, I am.
That's what I'm looking for, stupid Japanese.
Yeah, what would you like to know?
How good massage you give.
Are you looking for?
Massage.
Massage?
Uh-huh.
At no additional charge, AT&T can help you find a similar business in the same area
since the number you have called is not in service.
Please stay on the line for alternative businesses.
I have four similar businesses to connect to.
Unique Pizza, located at 180 South Glendora in West Cabina.
Thank you.
Please hold while I connect you to Unique Pizza.
Motherfucker
This is Morizushi, may I help you?
No, I'm in Mexico, Oregon
Hello?
I need to make an order.
You want to make an order?
Uh-huh.
What do you mean?
Hello?
Yeah, I want to make an order.
Hello?
You want to make a reservation or?
Yeah.
Yes, okay.
No, no, I want to order food, motherfucker.
Food?
Oh, we don't do the two-go anyway.
I'm picking up, asshole.
No, we don't do that.
No, you do it for me.
I said, I say you do it.
What are you talking about?
I say.
Oh, we don't do the two-go.
I command you.
Yeah, if not pick up also.
Listen, you do not disgrace my family, okay?
What do you mean?
You disgrace my family.
We don't do the turbo.
Anyway, right now...
What is your name?
Sorry, what is your name?
Your name.
My name is Ralph.
What's your name?
Anyway, it's a store rule.
What is your name?
What is your name?
Thanks for calling Ralph in Los Angeles.
For the bakery, please press...
For the deli department, press 2.
For the floral department, press 3.
For meat and seed, please press 4.
To reach the pharmacy...
pharmacy one moment please hey anna you're in bakery sorry are you bakery or deli uh deli oh
can you put me to bakery okay you know i'm taking okay bye baby music motherfucker everybody
service early how may i help you yeah hello mira is this bakery no this is service early
okay well i was just talking to anna yes what's your name inalda yeah inalda anna said that you
You were drinking alcohol there in the back?
Oh, yeah.
Who's this?
Yeah, and she says that she masturbates while she watches you.
She touches her labia.
Who's this?
My name is Eddie.
I work at the front office, the front desk.
Eddie?
Yeah, Anna said that you masturbate there and you touch your labia.
You have hairy labia.
You have a lot of hair down there.
Easy to explore slavers from around the world.
Thank you for calling Best Buy in West Los Angeles.
For store hours, press 1.
For directions, press 2.
To speak to a sales associate, press 3.
For pricing and availability, press 1.
For questions regarding a previous purchase and all other questions, press 2.
That's by Wesley. I'm going to help you today.
Hey, boy, how you doing? I want to look at some cameras.
You got the camera people there?
Sure, I can transfer you over there.
Hurry up.
Thank you for calling Best Buy Digital Cameras.
Hey, camera boy, how are you?
I'm doing all right. How are you?
I'm good. Do you have GoPros there that I can touch and hold and turn on?
I don't have any display models, no.
No, I just have the boxes.
Any cannons?
I have cannons on display, yeah.
Okay, all right.
Can I bring a baseball bat with me?
No, a baseball bat with you?
Yeah.
For what purpose?
To test out the bat on the cameras.
Like to photograph it?
Hitting it and smacking it and seeing how far they go.
No, I can't have you do that.
But can I just bring it in then with me?
Like I'll hold it.
I want to take my picture holding the baseball bat and swinging it.
Yeah.
Okay.
If you want to do that, you can.
And I'll hit some display.
I just can't have you hitting them with the baseball bat.
Can we test me hitting a TV with a baseball bat,
and you take a picture of it for me, and then I'll look at it?
No.
I can get the police involved, though, with that.
No, no, come on, man.
I'm asking you first before I do it.
So if it's a problem, just tell me it's a problem, all right?
Don't be rude.
It's a problem.
Okay, well, and you're the camera guy.
What do you have to do with the TVs?
Nothing, but it's still a problem.
Yeah, put me through the TV department,
and they'll get snap and make it snappy and they'll get snippy with me all right have a nice day sir
i want to make an order sorry i'm making an order we don't do that over the phone one gasoline we
don't do that one car one soda one soda one gasoline oh this is randy parent can i help you
you have dolphin machines there i'm sorry do you have dolphins machines there what type of machines
Dolphins.
No, we don't have any dolphins here.
No? What do you have that I can see and touch?
Well, we have lots of invertebrates that you would find in the tide pools.
Sea stars, sea urchins, animals like that.
Do any of them have sexual organs that you can see?
Leon?
Pardon?
Leon.
Leon?
Well, you see the entire animal.
We have sharks and rays, male and female.
Yeah, but you can't really see their sexual organs, really.
Like, dolphins, they get erections in the water a lot, and they play around.
They have, like, a prehensile penis.
Sure.
If you're interested in that, you better call someone else.
Okay.
Do you have any recommendations of places that have dolphins that I can see their penises?
SeaWorld.
SeaWorld?
Okay.
Where are they?
In San Diego?
Yes, sir.
Is that the closest one?
I think so.
Okay.
Thank you for nothing.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
You know what I'm saying?
Good job, man.
The motherfucking shit just get me so motherfucking mad
because, you know, that was my nigga, you know?
And, like, I had just got the nigga puff card and shit.
I knew the shit was about to go down,
and my man was, like, hyping it.
Everywhere it go, me and O.B., me and O.B. together,
and the nigga be like,
watch, I'm telling you, when my man get on,
it's going to be some shit.
We ain't going to have to sell this shit no more,
I'm telling you.
And the nigga just got moped out like that, man.
That shit fucked me up, man.
That shit fucked a whole lot of niggas up, man.
Yeah, man.
I love that nigga, O.B., too.
That was my motherfucking heart.
Thank you for calling, Dr. Del Mar.
This is Rita.
How may I direct your call?
Sexual organs.
I'm sorry?
Sexual organs.
Your phone is breaking up, sir.
I'm sorry.
I was calling about sexual organs.
This is a hotel.
Yeah, exactly.
And?
And?
You want...
What is it, some type of meeting being held here?
Yeah, yeah, the sexual organs meeting.
Okay, because I'm like, okay, you sure you got it in the right place?
Yeah, don't be ignorant and stupid.
No, that would be your part, sweetheart, not mine.
Well, you're a Negro, so.
And so are you.
No, I'm not.
You act like one.
I'm blessed with white skin.
No, that's not a blessing.
That's a curse.
Every morning I wake up and I see the bright side of life, my skin.
I know that's right.
Yeah.
I know.
Okay.
And unfortunately, we're not holding anything like that here.
Oh, Jesus.
And you wouldn't want to come here because it's a black bag.
Oh, is it?
Do you have a whites-only section there at all?
No, she said it's a black bag.
You won't understand.
Thank you for calling Shedders on the Beach.
How may I help you?
Hi.
Yes, may I help you?
Yeah.
Do you know the place across the way, Bethel?
Casa Del Mar, I mean.
This is Casa Del Mar.
Oh, so you're in the same place?
Wait, wait.
West Sister Hotels.
Oh, is Shutter on the beach, the white area?
Yes, it is.
Okay, good, good, good.
It doesn't have lots of Negroes, colored people here?
Hold on one second.
Okay.
Cha-Cha Chicken.
I found Cha-Cha Chicken.
Hello?
Hi.
Did you say you wanted to know something about colored people?
Yes.
Is that, well, oh, that's okay.
What's up?
I mean, well, I mean, I would tell you about colored if you tell me about cracker.
Do you know anything about, do you know anything about two big ass crackers?
Yeah.
Hold on, hold on.
I actually have a whole bunch.
I'm curious as to what type of racist ass bullshit you are, motherfucker.
I'm real curious.
I have a bunch of information.
You are a cracker.
No, fuck you, her.
You are a cracker.
And you are, in matter of fact, you're not just a cracker.
You actually are a nigger.
No, I'm not a cracker.
Well, what is it?
What the hell?
Have you colored anyone lately?
Have you ever colored a person?
Am I in a crayon box?
Get your dumb ass off my fucking phone.
Get off my...
Your mama whore.
I'm not...
You should have swallowed.
But I'm not quacking.
Your mama should have swallowed.
If your mama would have swallowed, baby, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
So why are you on my telephone?
Get off my phone.
No.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
No, I command you to hang up the phone, bitch.
No, please.
No, tell your mama to hang up the phone.
Tell your mama to leave the ball.
No, no, I command...
I command...
Tell her to lick yours.
I command your baby...
You know, your mama...
Baby, please, you ain't commanding nothing here.
I command your children.
I demand your fucking children
And get on them
Motherfuckers
Yeah, you are one too
Hey, boy
What is it that we're gonna keep doing today?
Put that boy on the phone
You must be a sad person
You have no one to talk to in your life
Put that boy on the phone
Put some attention
You know how pathetic you are?
Do you understand that?
I'm not pathetic
Do you understand how pathetic you are?
No
No, don't say it
Okay, yes, you have to
Don't say it
You really have to, raggedy bitch
You really have to, raggedy bitch
I'm not cracker
I'm not cracker
No, you don't know.
You a cracker-ass,
two-bit, shit,
motherfucker bitch.
I'm not Cracker Bitch.
I'm Carlito.
I'm Carlito,
not Cracker.
You a Cracker Bitch,
Cracker Bitch, Cracker Bitch.
I don't have anything.
Cracker Bitch, Cracker Bitch,
Cracker Bitch.
You the Cracker Bitch.
I can say it all day.
Like I said,
this is my job.
I got eight hours,
baby, for the phone.
I can put you on hold
and come back to you
if we feel the need.
Don't say Cracker.
I can stay with you
all motherfucking day,
motherfuckers,
all day.
Okay.
At some point,
you'll hang up
because you're a stupid, inferior person.
Oh, please, I'm not gone.
Somebody want to hear you.
I'm not cracker.
Yeah, bitch, that's what you're saying.
You ain't talking on the phone.
Fuck-ass bitch on the phone.
You fucking faggot-ass motherfucker.
You ain't even got the balls
to come in this motherfucker
to say nothing to my face
because I was a go-cracker-ass bitch.
Shut the fuck up, motherfucker.
Shut it up, bitch.
Shut it up.
You ain't talking about nothing.
I'm talking to the fucking idiot.
You just hold on
because I'm going to answer my phone
you ain't gonna interrupt my money cracker bitch now hold on oh they hung up i could come back to
you i mean hold on i'm serious i got like i said i get paid this is my job i got all day to talk
to you all day i don't understand what the hell the problem is and what type of bullshit you want
but at the end of the day you need to knock it off you need to get the hell up off my phone
with this bullshit what is it what's the point of this really what is it and you know what
you have such a huge problem you better hope you at work because i now have your phone number and
you have become the complete object of my affection bitch and when i say every chance i get i'm gonna
call your fucking ass day and night understand what i'm saying you should have thought about
call id fucking motherfuckers before you called here fuck you what the fuck you got to say
nothing shut your fucking cracker mouth shut it now like i said bitch your ass is at 661-748-0240
zero when i say i'm gonna be on your bumper bitch believe me when i tell you i'm becoming your worst
motherfucking nightmare i got nothing for time you don't bother me this ain't nothing new your
god you motherfuckers always act like your shit is new it's not new yo mother i'm telling you
oh crack ass monkey you ain't nothing but a cracker nigga monkey that's pretty much what you
are but you have nothing else to do right now but call my phone and be stupid you got anything else
to say it's worthwhile anything i can't wait to just be able to call you that it's just gonna be
fun what i've just never seen so much stupidity in my whole life no what what that's what the
fuck you speak i'm pretty sure that's that cracker talk i don't understand cracker so you might want
to speak for me hey listen can you hear me i don't know i don't gotta listen and that's the
damn problem i can take the phone away from my ear and continue to talk she didn't never have
have to listen oh i wasn't even listening to you though but of course you don't have the concept
to understand i wasn't even listening to you i don't know if you realize but my wife called me
on the cell phone i had a whole conversation i took my headphones down and i had it and all i
kept doing was whenever i heard you got quiet i would come back to the microphone and i go
boogie boogie and i'd step back again and continue my conversation with my wife on my cell phone
and i got all day like i said to fuck with you you don't want to fuck with me you need to back
Back your little white ass up, punk bitch, because y'all ain't about shit.
You got something else to say?
Don't be on my phone with that bullshit.
You're a motherfucker.
What, what, what, what?
Mom.
You can't even keep up with a motherfucker.
You can't think.
You're just over there trying to do-do-do-do-do-do, put it together.
Can you put a sentence together, motherfucker?
Can you?
Do-do-do.
Yeah, wow, you're so special.
It's nice to know that you white people can wear your little helmets to work and shit.
Seriously, I wasn't listening to what you said for like 10 minutes.
I wasn't listening to what you were saying for like 10 minutes.
When you call in here, what do you want?
Oh, you know what?
That really is a rhetorical question because I give a fuck about what you want.
I really don't.
So now what?
You need to get off the phone.
Thank you for calling by the Blue Sea Restaurant Group.
Your call is important to us.
Please stay on the line and the next available agent will be with you.
You like this music, honey baby?
Hello?
Hello?
Oh, wow, she hung up because she's a bitch.
I told you she'd hang up.
Good morning.
Thank you for calling.
I'm Freda Tracy.
Help me undirect your call.
Hey, honey, baby, how are you?
I'm great, how are you?
You hung up, though, why?
Because I was busy, and when I'm busy, I don't have time to speak with you.
Oh, so you're full of shit.
Hold on one second.
You're full of shit.
You're full of shit.
Let me let you talk to my boss.
Let me tell you you're full of shit.
Hello?
Hey, she's full of shit.
I'm sorry?
She's full of shit, motherfucker.
I'm sorry, who am I speaking to?
My name is Cross.
Your name is what?
Cross.
And how can I help you, sir?
Are you a dirty French fucking frog bastard?
I've been on one.
At least here.
That place is hilarious.
Hey, what's up, Booster?
Hey, Paul, how you doing?
Good, how are you?
How you doing, Booster? Good.
Listen, could you sell Segways also, or just rent them motherfuckers?
No, we sell them.
Oh, yeah, I'm doing a lot of coke today.
I wanted to get on the Segway and go down Ocean Avenue on it and be like, motherfuckers, fuckers, fuckers.
And I throw, like, full-size candy bars at everybody.
I'm like, fuckers.
That's pretty awesome.
Yeah.
You think I could rent one to do that shit?
How much are those motherfuckers?
$7,000.
Okay.
And can I ride them inside buildings and into, like, a wheelchair ramp?
As long as it's, like, a wheelchair ramp, I can use it, right?
Yeah.
Can I drive it into, let's say, an elevator and then turn it around?
Well, technically, you want to be careful because if there's other people, you don't want to hit them, but yeah.
Well, they got to get out of the way.
They got to get out of the way.
I guess.
Yeah, but you definitely can.
I won't put a TV on it.
I don't know.
If you're going to have to find a power source that will get that TV to go, then yeah.
Can I put a fleshlight on it?
Yes.
Okay.
All right.
Like an actual fleshlight, and it has the labia there and all that?
it has the labia and all that right and you can you put some lube on it right could i lubricate it
here okay and i can fuck it if you want okay can i put a vacuum cleaner engine on it so i don't
have to lean forward i just turn it on like this oh yeah you actually have it's pretty good yeah
oh yeah i put my dick in the vacuum cleaner whatever makes you happy oh this makes me very
very happy it feels so good fuckers fucker fuckers fucker oh shit i hit the button oh there we go
fuckers fuck yeah my friend my friend dwight my friend dwight taught me that trick he's a janitor
he does it with his vacuum cleaner like like when there's no one around he he uh he's a janitor at
ucla and when he's doing his vacuuming when he's in one of the rooms and it's all dark and quiet
no one's in there he takes the hose attachment unzips his pants and pulls out his penis and he
puts it on it and he's like like that and he he comes real quick and it cleans it all up because
it sucks it all up and then he just puts the attachment back on switches it back to um to
the vacuum off the floor and just keeps working hey dude and sometimes you gotta do what you gotta
do yeah and nobody knows yeah it's it's uh dwight the janitor he's my friend dwight mcclanahan i
I don't know if you know who he is.
He got a Segway there recently.
Oh, no, probably not.
Yeah, he uses it when he goes to the mall because he doesn't like to walk too far.
He has a broken ankle.
Yeah.
Yep, okay.
Yeah, no, no, I'm not familiar with it.
All right, all right.
Well, hey, thanks for your help.
I'm going to come down there and see about getting the vacuum attachment on the Segway and the flashlight.
And it'll masturbate me when I'm going around.
I can I can duck into a corner or a dark room real quick and plug it into the wall and it'll
masturbate me like that and then I'll just turn it off and get you know and then move the segue
back on my way get back to where I need to go all day okay all right I'll see you later
hi perfect man okay bye Carlito not cracker oh shit just had to have a chuckle at that real
quick good times here today I'm gonna keep it going for a little bit more
If I keep going, I'll be able to make it through Biggie Smalls' entire first two albums.
The only two that I care for.
There were two more after that came out after he died, but I don't care for them now.
All right, let's continue.
Hello, Monica. This is Roxanna. How can I help you?
Hey, how you doing, Hermana?
I am doing well, and yourself?
I'm sexual today.
I was looking because I rented a vehicle from you guys.
Okay, what kind of vehicle?
A Rolls.
Do you need another rental?
told well does do you guys cover baseball bat uh no what do you mean um do you don't cover
baseball bat damage um no oh goodness are you in a car currently yeah i'm in one of the road
the wraiths that you got the the rolls wraiths you know the black one uh yeah what's the last
thing uh albors can you spell it for me uh it's labia l-a-b-i-a okay and your first name leon
leon leon labia give me one second hey you said you're in the race correct yeah i got do you know
who um rick ross is yes i he got mad at me at the club so he took a baseball bat to it a baseball
bat yeah rick ross did give me one second i can't find yeah he was hanging out with p puff daddy
Daddy, P. Diddy, and him, and some other guy called Montana or something.
I don't know.
And I was like, I don't know you, nigga.
Like that I said to the Montana guy, French Montana.
I said, I don't know you, nigga.
Like that to him.
And they kicked us all out of the club.
And then P. Diddy pulled out a gun, and he shot it in the air once.
And we were like, we're going to bounce.
Yeah, we're going to bounce.
Because Diddy was shooting his gun up in the air.
And he was like, I don't know.
Is this like a joke?
No, he said he was like, I got away with this once,
I said, I'm doing it again, motherfucker, like that.
And he shot his gun in the air.
Yeah, and then we thought we got away.
And the next thing we know, Rick Ross was, like, right in the middle of the street.
And he was holding an aluminum baseball bat.
And he started hitting the front of it.
And I just put the gas down, and I hit him.
And he went flying up into the windshield.
And then he rolled off, and we just drove away.
I'm not sure.
This was last night.
I didn't hear anything in the news, so I think he's okay.
Are you sure this is not, like, some kind of joke?
No, no, no.
No, Rick Ross damaged the car with a baseball bat, and then I hit him with the front of the car,
and he went through the windshield, and then he rolled off, and we drove away.
Because, I mean, I have the race out, but it's not under your name.
I know, I know, I know.
It's under a different name, I know, but I can't tell you because he's my boss,
and he's going to be really pissed off that he knows that I borrowed it.
What's your boss's name?
I don't want to tell you.
He's going to be really pissed off.
Okay.
I don't know what I can do at this, I mean.
Well, what part will you cover of the baseball bat?
We don't cover anything.
Can you contact Rick Ross?
Rick Ross said that he was a customer of you guys sometimes, he said.
No, and the person did not purchase any coverages, so they'd be fully responsible.
Oh, my God.
Well, I can't pay for it.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm just his photographer.
He let me borrow it, but I can't pay for it.
I don't know.
You guys are going to have to figure something out then, I guess.
We do not, well, no, it's not our fault, sir.
It's Rick Ross' fault, not mine.
He's the one that hit it with his baseball bat and his fat ass.
Can I put you on a brief hold?
Okay.
All right, this is taking too long.
We're going to move on.
Thank you for holding.
We'll be right with you.
I'm coffee.
This is Tim Staking.
How can I help you?
Hey, effeminate coffee man, how are you?
Good, man.
How are you?
Okay, I'm good.
What's up, dog?
Nothing, dog.
Okay, I want to get a whole, like, a whole large bag of coffee.
Do you have, like, a bag that goes in a box at all full of coffee?
You want to get a batch, Roots, do you mean?
Yeah, I want the whole thing.
Yeah, so, you know, you don't want beans, you just want brewed coffee.
I want...
Like a gallon or something like that.
Yeah, exactly, and it's going to be for my asshole.
For your what?
My asshole.
Okay.
You know what that is?
The chocolate factory?
Are you familiar with that term?
No?
The tailpipe?
They want an ounce, tell them bounce, number six, they got...
Alan Cain.
Hey, man, what's going on?
You guys have Adobo?
is this?
You have Adobo?
Adobo?
Yeah.
Who is this?
My name is Adobo.
So, yeah, who do you want to talk?
I want to talk to a grocery store.
Yeah, okay.
How can I help you?
Yeah, I need to know about the plantains.
How much is plantains?
Oh, okay.
We don't have plantains here.
Oh, do you have a culo?
Do you have a culo?
No, no, we don't.
You don't have a culo?
Thank you.
Thank you for calling Wax Santa Monica.
How are you, honey?
Thank you for calling Wax.
Yeah, hey, this is Wax.
I know.
Good, good.
I got the right place, honey.
I was asking if you're doing okay.
You having a good day?
Yes, I am.
Oh, good.
That's good.
Listen, I like to do some dabbing here and there.
What kind of waxes you got?
We have strip wax, which is a cream base, and then the blue hard wax.
Yeah?
Is this the blue hard, you said?
It's the blue hard wax, yeah.
Okay, all right.
And how much does that go for?
What did you want to have done?
I want to dab a little bit of that, you know?
I want to get nice and fucked up, nice and high.
No, I think you have the wrong number.
Sorry about that.
No, you guys have blue hard wax.
right yeah no this is a waxing salon we don't have yeah but i bring in my own pipe and everything and
then we put the wax in the pipe and i smoke it it gets you real messed up yeah sorry about that
i have a propane tank i'll bring it in all right sounds good thank you bitch yeah i wanted to find
out the price of one beers uh depends which beer it is yeah main beers may beers no the
The principal beer machine, the selected beer, the beer machine that you sell there, the beer super beer machines.
We don't have a beer machine here.
The one that's on the sports game that they advertise on the sports game and the radio, Rush Limbaugh, is like, I'm Rush Limbaugh, I'm Rush Limbaugh, like that, you know?
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Mother fucker, man.
Really?
Heineken?
What about Heineken?
Heineken for a single...
One beer machine.
I don't have a beer machine.
Oh, how many spaces come with the pack?
Six.
It's a six-pack.
Six beers.
But, I mean, how many spaces is that?
Right, right.
Hang up like a chicken, bitch.
Yeah.
Did you bring us a line?
How do I help you?
Yeah.
Eh, eh, eh.
What?
Eh, eh, eh.
Oh, Victor.
Okay, good.
Me too.
I wanted to ask about the clothing that you have there.
Okay, what are you looking for?
Well, you have mostly white people cracker clothing, right?
Okay, man, this is obviously a joke.
No, it's not.
Okay, well, I'm going to hang up on you.
Okay, motherfucker.
Okay.
Asshole.
Okay, man.
Bye, dude.
Hi, honey.
Hi.
How are you, baby?
Hi.
Can I help you?
Yeah, what you doing?
This is Amia.
Yeah, I wanted to get my hair washed, and that's it.
I just wanted to get my hair washed.
Have you been here before?
No.
How much do you charge for hair wash?
A shampoo is $10.
Oh, do you have separate shampoo girls, or do the hairdressers do it?
Yeah, everyone does it.
Oh, okay.
Do they have big breasts, big bosoms?
I don't know if they really want to.
Yeah.
Oh, they don't have big tits?
Because, like, I like it, like, when I get my hair washed at a salon,
and the girl puts her tits right in my face, you know?
So she, there's some cleavage going on.
That's what it sounded like when she hung up.
All right, some letters may help you.
Hey, honey, how are you?
Who's calling?
Oh, this is Mr. Leon.
From?
From Leon.
I'm from myself.
Where do I have to be from?
What is this about?
About the letters that we're going to be sending out, the invitations,
and we need some nice professional, you know, we don't want them to be crap that goes out, you know?
Okay.
Okay.
How are you doing?
What was your name?
I'm Linda.
All right.
Big Linda.
All right.
I'm going to put that down here, Linda.
I'm going to put a smiley face next to that one.
Okay.
So what can I help you with?
All right.
How many paper spaces come with it?
I don't understand what you're asking me.
Yeah, each individual invitation for a wedding.
How many spaces is per each paper?
Oh, it just depends on what invitation.
Do you need invitations?
Come into the store and look at them.
Don't be a motherfucker, all right?
Asshole.
I'm trying to understand what you need,
but there's so many different types of invitations,
you need to come in and take a look.
There's so much bullshit coming out of your mouth, motherfucker.
She like the way the doughs roll up, doughs roll up.
Yeah, this is Undefeated, right?
You got all the Vans shoes.
What's that?
You got the Vans shoes.
Yeah.
Yeah, I want to let you know that I came in there earlier with a baseball bat.
Huh?
I went into the back room with a baseball bat.
I came into the store with a baseball bat and went into the back room where you keep the shoes.
Okay.
And I hit a bunch of the boxes and I broke them and everything.
And I pulled out the...
Who is this?
And who is this?
Huh?
Who is this?
Leon.
Leon?
Yeah.
So you're telling me you took a baseball bat and you brought it back here?
Yeah, yeah, and I hit, like, some of the fixtures back there and the shoeboxes,
and I took out some of the vans out, and I threw them all over the place.
I mixed them all up, and I threw them.
And then on my way out, I was going to, like, go through the ones that you have out in display
and knock them over, but I saw some...
Who is this, dude?
My name is Leon.
Who are you talking to like that, though?
What do you mean, motherfucker? What are you talking about?
What?
Well, because it says undefeated there, and I wanted to prove that I'm the only one.
My name is Invictus.
I don't care who you are, bro.
My name is Leon Invictus, and I'm the undefeated one here in Santa Monica.
Well, you could come over here, bro.
Yeah, well, I fucked your shit up already, motherfucker.
You're not undefeated.
I'm fucking undefeated.
I defeated your ass, motherfucker.
Hey, bro, get a life, dude.
You're wasting your time on the phone, bro.
I'm on my way.
You're going to come in front of me, and we'll see what you think.
Bro, come outside then, bro.
All right, motherfucker.
Straight up.
All right, fine.
All right, fine.
I got a Scottie Pippen jersey on.
I'm coming right now, motherfucker.
All right, bro.
Thanks.
Hey, boy, how are you?
Good, you?
I'm in the toilet.
In the toilet?
Yeah.
With this Anthony?
Yeah.
What's going on?
Well, I'm in the toilet here at the restaurant, and I took a baseball bat, and I hit everything in here.
I broke the toilet.
Oh, really?
Which toilet?
The one in the men's bathroom.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Why you do that?
Because I hate you, motherfucker.
motherfucker oh really because your food is a piece of shit oh man really yeah i'm in the toilet
now i'm not anthony i'm someone else oh really yeah i'm leon oh leon oh cool good for you i'm
leaving now you're not gonna catch me i'm not gonna catch you huh okay bye hey frijoles what's
up hey this is eddie how are you oh morale is not your arena could you hold on a second please
oh okay motherfucker
fucker hello how are you i'm sorry who is this hey it's uh leon how are you
leon my name is leon can you hear me who are you calling for oh i'm calling t-mobile i need to know
which is the smallest phone that you have there like in size which model is it so i can look it
up i want to come in and pick it up i'm going to be activating it like prepaid the cheapest
cheapest prepaid model you got because smallest one smallest one i need to put it it needs to
fit inside a condom i'm sorry it's gonna fit inside a condom the phone is 30 and the service
is going to be 35 which model is it honey daniel no yes it is i'm leon okay i'm daniel i'm daniel
what's up what's up hey okay so the phone is called samsung p199 uh-huh and the phone is
$30, and then the service is $35.
Okay. Alright.
The SGH-T199?
It's called Samsung T199.
Okay. Do you think that'll fit
like in a condom, like one of the bigger ones?
The magnums that the black people use?
You heard him.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Hey baby, how are you?
Good, baby. How you doing?
Okay, good. How many spaces you have there?
How many spaces for what?
For a smoke.
How many do you need?
I need plenty. I'm bringing a lot of people in.
They're local senators, state senators, and local councilmen.
Okay, how many are you bringing in?
As many as can fit. I can bring up to 30. I don't know how many spaces you have.
I'll set it up for you for 30. You let me know when you come in.
Do you have Davidoff?
Davidoff, I'm all right now.
Oh, what a piece of shit you are.
You don't have any Davidoff cigars?
I got something better than Davidoff.
Fuck Davidoff.
Yeah, fuck you.
What do you got?
Some Avvo shit?
Nobody.
What do you want?
How much do you want to spend?
What's your premium?
I could spend a few thousand if you had Davidoff.
I have something better than Davidoff.
What is it?
Who is this?
Do you have any Cubans?
Any legit Cubans?
We got some that we brought from the Bahamas.
Who is this?
We were at a bachelor party in the Bahamas.
We got Cuban cigars.
You were right about me in the Bahamas?
No, asshole.
We were partying at the Bahamas.
We got a bunch of Cuban cigars, a bunch of Cohibas, a bunch of Cubans.
You and I were partying in the Bahamas?
No, you weren't there, you dumb fucker.
I was with my friends, and now we're back in the States, and we'll bring some in.
You want to buy some, they're legit Cubans.
I'll show you some good Cubans.
Okay, what do you got?
I got a lot of good stuff.
You still didn't tell me who I'm speaking to.
Leon.
Leon, Leon.
From where, Leon?
Leon Alborz from Alborz and Associates.
Oh, okay.
No, I got a lot of good stuff, buddy.
Come on, we'll make you guys happy.
Well, do you guys have Cubans there then, or no?
No, but come on, I'll show you some better stuff.
Do you have marijuana?
Down the street.
Okay, all right.
Can we smoke it there, the marijuana?
Marijuana, you can't smoke it here.
I could send you to Colorado, you could smoke it in Colorado.
Yeah, no, no, we don't want to go there.
That's the whole thing.
We don't want to go there because it's high elevation,
and some of us have asthma problems, so it fucks us up.
All right.
All right, all right, honey.
So when are you thinking about coming down?
Well, if you don't have Davidoff, then I'm not interested.
You have shit.
You still won't tell me.
Well, you're not telling me what your premium cigar is, buddy.
I'm trying.
Premium?
I got ESGs.
I got Opus X.
Crap.
Crap.
If you want Davidoff, I get you Davidoff.
You got LaFleur's?
You got any LaFleur's?
The Double Deguero?
I do.
You got the new...
I do.
I have Liga Provadas.
Do you have the Double Deguero?
I do.
The Digger Natural?
You have it?
I do.
What about the Camacho?
I have the Camacho, so I have the Room 101s.
What do you want?
All right.
going to get a little more promising here. Do you have any Avos?
I have Avos, too.
Which Avos do you have? The 80th.
Okay. Do you got any Patels?
Do you got any Patels in the 80s series?
I got all of them. I got all the best
shit. You got the Patel Burns?
I do. Okay.
Alright, well, I hope you do, because if we
show up and you don't have these, we're going to be really pissed
off. You'll never be pissed off.
Don't worry, I'll help you guys out. Alright, good.
When you're coming. Get us some late...
We'll head over there now. We're going to have sushi.
We'll go stop there first, and we're going to get sushi
She had no boo.
All right?
You coming in tonight?
Yeah, then we're going to No Boo after that.
If you ain't an asshole, maybe you'll come with us.
You got it.
All right.
Bye.
See you.
All right.
No dab at all.
Fuck out of here.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello, yeah.
Park cleaner?
Yes.
How long does it take you to get cranberry and feces out of a white suit?
What is it?
Feces and cranberry juice.
Cranberry juice.
Feces.
And Vaseline mixed together.
Cranberry juice come out or not?
Cranberry juice come out or not?
What is it, a suit or what?
Cranberry juice.
It's a drink.
No, but is it on a suit or what?
A white suit.
A white suit.
And it has feces mixed with it.
Feces.
Yeah, is it silk or?
Yeah, and tell her it has feces.
She said it's the blood.
Della has feces.
She said no.
Feces.
What about feces?
Yeah, she said no.
She can't take out feces?
It's not going to come out.
No?
No.
What about semen and blood?
Blood?
And semen.
Mixed together, semen and blood.
She said no, it's not going to come out.
What about anus?
Like the ass, the shit, the doo-doo, the caca?
No.
Motherfucker.
Fuck.
Hey, Colin, ready?
Jack, I'm here.
Okay.
Yeah, hi.
Hi, is this a black people barbershop?
We do white people and black people.
Yeah, but is this like a colored people barbershop where they hang out, you know, talk, joke around, and talk about, you know, the man?
No.
No? This is like a white people barbershop?
We have in here. We don't specify ourselves as white, but we can do white or black.
Okay.
But it's not a typical, that's what you're asking.
It's not like the movie barbershop? You ever see it?
Yeah, it's not like the movie barbershop.
It's not like one of those places.
Okay, all right. I just want to make sure that it's safe and clean and clean, you know, not a lot of Negroes.
there yeah okay okay all right this so you don't have a a skin problem there if you know what i
mean we do not have a skin color problem at all sir okay thank god that there's not a lot of them
there okay i'm gonna write that down that you guys don't have a lot of black people there and that
you're happy about it no that's not why i thank you for well okay well in a manner of speaking
it's what you said all right thank you for calling okay thank you bye bye what the hell
hi you've reached jeff mcchef at pro massage i'm not in right now hey yeah i need to get someone
Someone who can translate pape people.
Who can translate what?
The phrase that says pape people.
People? I'm sorry, I don't know.
No, it's like this. It's pape people.
Is this a joke?
No, that's what it says here. It's written down.
Pape people.
I don't think I can help you.
Does anyone there speak ubu?
Speak what?
No. Sorry.
Spanish?
Sorry.
Motherfucker.
Yeah, what juice do you have there that's good for bowel movements
so I could take a big shit.
Hold on one second.
I'm transferring you to our...
Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up.
Jennifer speaking.
Yeah, hi.
Hey, what's your question?
Okay, what juice is the best for me to take?
I have a good, nice bowel movement.
I'm sorry, can you repeat that?
So I can have a good, big, big, good bowel movement.
Bowel?
Yeah, like a bowel movement
so I can shit in the toilet.
I wanted to come out like a big black bus
out of my asshole.
Like...
Like that.
Yeah, do you recommend kale juice or anything like that or wheatgrass so I can have a good big bowel movement?
You know, like a big, I want like a truck coming out like that coming out of my ass when I'm shitting on the toilet.
I got you. Maybe we can ginger and turmeric. That would help.
You think that would help? What about kale? Do you have anything with kale?
Kale, yeah, I have kale. We have kale. We have spinach.
What has the most fiber there?
Fiber.
yeah what has the most fiber uh right now we have uh we still have something that has uh
the balance baby underneath hey baby how are you hello who is this hello hey it's leon
it's who leon my name is leon hey do you know those license those uh light vanity license plate
you can get they'd say pilot or i'm thinking they'd say fly but it's the spaces say it not
Not the actual lettering?
No clue.
You know the one that, just say fly, that pilots use?
I do not.
Oh.
Well, I want to get one of those.
Well, we're a clothing company.
Yeah, but you don't have any, like, little trinkets, any aviator glasses, any...
Nope.
Do you have any papers?
Nope.
Do you have, so you have aviator clothing?
Uh, no, we do not.
Then why does it say aviator?
That's just the name of the company.
It's a piece of shit.
Well, I already feel that way.
Is this white people clothes?
What?
Is this white people clothing?
Yes.
Oh, okay.
All right, then I wouldn't be interested because I'm Puerto Rican.
Okay.
I don't like you people.
To be honest, I don't like you people at all, people.
Casalina, how may I help you?
Hey, honey, baby, how are you?
How may I help you?
You have nice black hair, right?
I saw you.
¿Qué pasó?
Hi, how are you?
Yeah, I wanted to make an order for panocha.
For what?
Panocha.
That thing.
You got the wrong number.
Do you have concha there?
No, we don't have concha.
You don't have concha yourself?
No.
Oh, that's too bad.
What do you have then?
Ready to order, yeah?
Do you have a little bird?
No, I don't have a little bird.
Do you have a beautiful flower?
I don't have a beautiful flower either.
Oh, you're just like a doll, like a Barbie doll?
No sexual...
Yeah.
You don't have sexual organs?
No.
Oh, that's too bad.
Okay, well, I'm not interested in you then.
All right then.
Maybe you have a mouth.
I hear you talking.
Have a three-second nuclear salt?
No.
What was that?
No.
What would you like then?
Okay, I want to make an order, one machine, one pizza machine.
One pizza machine?
Yeah, with five spaces.
I don't know what you mean.
Is there a man there maybe who understands?
I want to take a moment for one second.
Oh, don't take a long time, no.
I have a pizza.
Hey, yeah, I want an order, one machine.
Yeah, we don't sell machines.
Okay, do you have one pizza space?
No.
Do you have pizza?
Yes.
Okay, one pizza.
Pick up or delivery?
Pick up.
Hello?
Hello, you need to calm down.
Hello?
If you want to order anything, you're going to calm down.
You're not going to talk to me.
I order you to not talk to me.
Okay, have a good day.
All right, me around.
Hello?
Hi.
Hi, is this the cigar machine?
Sorry?
Do you have cigars?
I do carry cigars, yes.
Okay, do you have Davidoff?
The only Davidoff I have are the Demitost, you know, the cigarillos.
Oh, those are stupid.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Okay, do you have Alvos?
You know what?
what i do not go to uh do you have rocky do you have any rocky patels any monicristos i have
rocky patels vintage and i have monicristos what size are you looking for well the patels which do
you have the uh burn at all do you have the 20th anniversary what do you have yes i have a 20th
anniversary i have the corona and the um the vintage 1990 i have the corona and the um do you
Do you have the one with the Connecticut rapper?
Hold on, let me double check, okay?
Motherfucker.
Excuse me?
Go ahead, honey.
That's okay.
Oh, I thought you were talking to me.
No.
Okay, hold on one second.
Give me one second.
Sure, sure.
Sure, sure.
Sir, I'm actually out of my Rocky Patels.
If you go to Hollywood's most, they'll have the selection that you're looking for.
Well, if you're out of Rocky Patels and Davidoff, then you're a piece of shit, basically, right?
It makes you feel better.
I'm sorry.
Okay well you're a piece of shit fucking playstand
Go fuck yourself
Okay thank you
Good afternoon thank you for calling Salt Air
This is Evelyn how may I help you
I'm gonna make you love me baby
I'm sorry?
Yeah how much is the spaces of Salt Air
Um how much are the spaces of Salt Air
Um well I mean if you're
Asking about how many
People we could accommodate
I'm not too exactly sure on the number
Spaces though not people spaces
spaces are you asking like table numbers no just spaces well we have i'm not too sure honestly
you're kind of dumb maybe i'm sorry maybe you're kind of dumb okay sorry is there someone else i
can talk to honey pretty baby pretty labia yeah nice pretty labias um let me see can i put you
on a brief hold do your labias stick out a lot or is it nice and pretty and tight down there
um
the spaces it really does
depend on where you sit we do have a lot of people say it's not too tight but sometimes it could be a
little oh okay tight all right okay it depends on how busy we get on that night i like it tight
okay okay all right go ahead and get someone else for me honey okay can i put you on a brief hold
Okay, bye.
Thank you.
Hi, thank you for holding.
My manager is actually quite busy right now.
Is there any way I could take down your information and have her call you back?
No, I refuse.
I don't give permission for that.
I'm sorry?
I don't give permission for that, no.
Do you know what labia is?
We're sorry.
You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service.
What do you think about that?
I have no idea.
You don't have any idea about yours?
You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service.
That's unfortunate.
if you feel you have reached can you describe it number and try your call no i'm sorry i think you
got the wrong number oh okay all right i was just calling to check on your labia okay okay bye
we're almost done here one or two more calls and i'm out of here
mr journey bookstore how can i help you yeah hi honey how are you hello is carl there carl sanders
um no oh because he likes to go in there at night where all the books they have a lot of books there
He really gets into it, and he likes to bathe in the sink that you have there in the bathroom.
I didn't know that.
You haven't seen him?
No.
Okay.
That's unfortunate.
We haven't heard from him in a while.
We're just concerned about old Carl.
I can ask.
Can you hold on a second?
Okay.
Hi, honey.
How are you?
I'm great.
You were checking to see if Carl was there, Carl Slenders?
I'm sorry.
There's nobody here by that name.
Okay, because he likes to bathe in the bathroom there, using the sink sometimes at this time,
so I wanted to see if he was in there.
He left his toothbrush over here, and he probably would be looking for it.
Oh, no, I haven't seen Carl in a minute.
Okay, all right.
Well, if he comes in, let him know he left his toothbrush here.
He might be delayed coming in tonight because he thought he lost it on the way.
He's retracing his steps.
So if he heads over there, let him know that I found it, that I have it here at the house.
Wait, what's your name?
Leon.
Dion?
Leon.
Leon, okay, cool.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Hello again.
This is Melody.
Hey, my name's Elvis.
How are you?
Good.
How are you?
Oh, I'm sexual.
Okay.
Okay.
What do you guys have going on there today with the paper machine?
I'm sorry?
What's going on today with the paper machine?
We don't have paper machines.
What do you do there then?
We sell cards and gifts.
Oh, yeah.
But you have paper, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So then you have papers.
Yeah.
Paper machines.
Okay.
Yeah.
Call regarding?
Well, I like to mash.
I like to break paper.
I like to...
like you have cards there that you can go through i like to tear them a little bit in the corners
what i like to tear okay i like to tear all your little cards and papers up in the corners a little
bit just so you can't sell them and i open the packages i'm going to be coming in in about
20 30 minutes just want to let you know i'll be there i don't think that's not true yeah it is
but don't get concerned um the little damages that i do most of the times customers don't see it
do you have any candies or an edible thing sometimes i eat those too i'm hungry
agree man i'm an advantage britney speaking oh hey honey how are you who am i talking to
oh this is cross how are you who cross big cross who are you calling for uh well i want to ask you
about your clusters okay what's your question are they nice they have nice clusters nice natural
clusters uh yes we do oh yeah that's nice and what about labia do you have those have any what
What?
Labia.
What is that?
Labia is the lips between your hips.
Um, not at this location, unfortunately.
Okay, that is unfortunate.
Have a great day.
Okay.
Guys, I'm done.
I've been on for about six hours, 45 minutes.
Where did the time go?
Bye.

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