MadhouseSearch

I Fuck Two Costa Ricans Today

29 Jun 2014 · 1 h 50 min · 13,569 words · source

Calls (29, 1 h 30 min of 1 h 50 min)
  1. Motorcycle sale story about alligator live 2.6 min clip ↓
  2. Lost dog machine named Wednesday live 2.4 min clip ↓
  3. Fish tank visit with baseball bat and salt live 5.9 min clip ↓
  4. Lowe's customer service asked about forklifts and lights live 13.2 min clip ↓
  5. Hardware store asked about hole saw and drill for sex hole live 3.3 min clip ↓
  6. Installed sales asked to install locks and vacuum house live 1.8 min clip ↓
  7. Installed sales asked for tool-savvy person live 37 s clip ↓
  8. Lowe's front desk transfer confusion live 2.4 min clip ↓
  9. Lowe's sales department washing machine inquiry live 5.7 min clip ↓
  10. Lowe's Delivery washing machine order live 3.3 min clip ↓
  11. Lowe's supervisor call about delivery live 2.4 min clip ↓
  12. Rose customer service menu ivr 2.2 min clip ↓
  13. Lowe's lumber department test live 4.2 min clip ↓
  14. Lighting and electrical transfer ivr 2.2 min clip ↓
  15. Store employee about LED lights and baseball bats live 1.5 min clip ↓
  16. Employee discusses sexual preferences and products live 1.5 min clip ↓
  17. Employee agrees to surprise gift and lube live 58 s clip ↓
  18. Rome paint department order request live 1.5 min clip ↓
  19. Paint color discussion with strain names live 1.8 min clip ↓
  20. Taverna Opa Greek restaurant prank live 59 s clip ↓
  21. Tover Alpha Costa Rican restaurant prank live 36 s clip ↓
  22. Olympia Greek restaurant game interruption live 4.6 min clip ↓
  23. Zorba's Greek Taverna asked to watch game live 1.8 min clip ↓
  24. Coast Restaurant Bar asked to test breakers live 2.3 min clip ↓
  25. Gin store asked for maximum gin with $50 live 5.8 min clip ↓
  26. Greek restaurant about soccer live 1.4 min clip ↓
  27. Greek restaurant owner's absence live 58 s clip ↓
  28. Lowe's millwork cider inquiry live 2.2 min clip ↓
  29. Madman on phone with Greek man after football loss live 10.6 min clip ↓

Transcript

I'm gonna fuck two Costa Ricans today, to show you who fuck who, motherfucker, piece of shit.
I'm not playing no fucking games, man.
I, I fuck you, son of a bitch.
Stop making us skip recordings. You're out of your crazy mind.
You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.
I'll fuck you, all night long.
You're not perfect.
Why don't you piss off?
You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.
Yeah, is that Big Fat Charles?
It's Charles.
Big guy, how you doing, fat boy?
Alright.
See, you got that vehicle for sale.
What can you tell me about the motherfucker?
Got what for sale?
You got some vehicle for sale.
I got a motorcycle for sale.
Yeah, what can you tell me about that motherfucker?
Pierre.
Pierre Lavoie.
I'm calling from space.
I'm on the International Space Station machine.
Oh, well, this motorcycle has got 6,800 miles on it, miles on it.
Okay.
It's been ridden very little.
It's been ridden very little.
It's got a new tar, new wreath.
It's got a windshield.
shield it's got saddlebags shut up any women any women ride it any women oh no no good no good good
you don't have a wife you have a boyfriend or girlfriend or what i have a wife oh she doesn't
ride it she's scared yeah oh that's good because sometimes they get on it and they have a fucking
orgasm you know my wife rode my uh i had a hurricane you know motorcycle hurricane you know that one
she got on it and she was driving it real fast she's going and she had she started orgasming
and everything and she lost control and she went down into the alabama river she went off the
bridge and everything off the overpass off the bridge and into the alabama river she swam to
shore and everything she was fine but the motorcycle was all fucked up i never got it back
it got eaten by an alligator the alligator came out came up and ate it and the tire exploded in
in the alligator's mouth and went like that and we was watching yeah me and the cops and the
firemen we were on the bridge looking down and we saw the gator go for the motorcycle thank
fucking god because he could have gone for my wife but she was already swimming and she was
flailing usually gators go after you know stuff that's flailing in the water that's why you're
not supposed to put dogs and rivers and shit like that too much because the fucking gators
but anyway yeah so we saw the gator swim up and it opened its mouth real big and it swallowed the
whole motorcycle and when it bit down it must have chomped down on like the front tire and it
exploded with and it looked like just like those world war ii movies on the history channel when
a torpedo hits a ship and a big thing of water comes up you know it looked just like that and
there was gator flesh everywhere gator teeth gator eyes fell like right on my feet uh pieces of
The motorcycle were flying up and everything.
The gas tank took off like a rocket.
It was like, and it went halfway up in the air and went, boom.
Yep.
So nothing like that.
No.
Okay, motherfucker.
Sounds good, fucking asshole.
When can I come down and look at it, look and touch it?
Well, if you want your language, I might sell it to you.
But if not, I don't want to talk to you.
I'm sorry.
That's the way I talk.
I live over here at Horse Machine Ranch.
You know where that is?
That's the way we talk over here, motherfuckers.
Not you, motherfucker.
Them motherfuckers.
You know, not you.
No, you're a pal, buddy.
You're a friend.
You're not that word.
No way, man.
I'll stop the language.
Because you got kids around and stuff?
Is that why?
No, I just don't like to listen to it.
You don't like to curse?
Do you go to church, brother?
Do you go to church?
I need to go to church.
I don't know, but I should.
You go to church, motherfucker?
I'll talk to you later.
You will?
You promise?
Like, you'll answer?
probably not hello you got some dog machine you got some dog machines no you got two dog machines
two adult lab mixed dog machines to give away what do you mean dog machines well where i come
from we we like say machine for everything like car machine tv machine stuff like that so dog
will be dog machine that's how we say it here on this show okay yeah i'm carlito carlito pierre
listen so you have uh really is it carlito pierre or what part made him hang up machine
really machine made him hang up fuck i give a pretty good explanation
you have lost dog machine you what you lost a dog machine a dog machine yeah a dog a six pound
Dog machine, black one, female, female dog machine.
I'm sorry.
Say that one more time.
Female dog machine, chihuahua pug, six pound female you lost?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, did you find dog machine?
No.
What's the dog machine's name?
Wednesday.
Hang on.
Let me see if it responds to Wednesday.
Wednesday.
Wednesday.
She just ran away.
I don't think it's the dog.
Yeah, wrong dog.
It's not answering to Wednesday.
i could try again but i'm pretty sure you want me to try again buck teeth coming out yep wednesday
she doesn't come out at all she's hiding under the futon i guess it's not wednesday all right
well good luck to you buddy okay
hey hey hey hello hello hey what can i do for you uh you have fish there right fish tanks
tanks yes sir all fresh water machines yep about do you have a whole wall of fish machines we do
okay um what time are you open till and i can go see the fish and touch and kiss them till six
okay good can i bring a baseball bat with me i would not recommend it why but i would not like
the fish tanks to be broken yes but if you just want to carry sometimes you just want to carry
sometimes i just swing around the baseball bat blindly yeah i wouldn't recommend that too much
i didn't think that was a good idea either i do that sometimes in stores but i know sometimes
some of the stores have a lot of glass and i know that section has uh the fish tanks also
are they made out of glass or plastic aluminum yeah are they transparent oh yeah i used to work
at a place that had transparent aluminum yeah it was actually aluminum that was transparent it got
got invented in 1987 by this one fat guy with glasses he said he said he came up with it in
his manufacturing plant that it just came to him he said like that he said it just it just came to
me he said oh it's an amazing story they made a movie about it and everything it's it's called
the voyage home i think it's called yeah okay okay um now if i can't bring that can i bring
a container of salt depends on what you want to do with it if you want to sit here and munch while
you're looking at fish i'm not gonna complain but well it's a lot it's like the the whole um
cooking salt one you know the what's the one with the when it rains and pours what's that
morton's right that motherfucker yeah the blue one it's about that size yeah they kind of last
like a year you know usually yeah um yeah because i'm gonna bring some food with me i'm gonna bring
some calamari uh-huh uh that i'm frying up over here and i like to put a little bit of salt on it
so i'm gonna bring that whole large container with me just in case okay and also i like to
pour it inside things like like other things just to see how things hold up you know yeah yeah yeah
okay it's like a there's a science project that i can submit in class and it's to determine how
much level of salinity can be in the fresh water for freshwater fish to survive because of all the
global warming the rivers are starting to get more salinity they got more salt in them and the fish
are moving and migrating they don't seem to be disappearing they're just migrating and at some
point they're going to start bumping into each other all these other ecosystems and then so
what's important to find out is how much salt uh certain species of uh freshwater fish can take
egg just to kind of prove so that what i do is i measure the amount of salt that i'm going to put
in so in this case this is a i believe this is a 20 ounce container of non-iodized uh table salt
so i'll i'm gonna i'll dump one of the one of these do you have angel fish there hello do you
have hey motherfucker do you have angel fish there we do they would like to talk to you about
training classes how much are the angel fish they're 467 okay and how many are in the tank
there's about six oh which is the biggest one you got there motherfucker
they're all around about the same size you don't have the really big fish machine
nope the big clown fish motherfuckers nope all right so there's about six of them so i'll well
i'm gonna dump the entire container of salt in there and we'll see how long they survive or if
If they survive all together?
I would not recommend you do that.
Well, I have to for the science project.
Then, if you would like to purchase them and put them in your own fish tank.
No, I'm going to purchase them, but I'll do them in yours.
I'll pay for the ones that die, and the ones that survive, I won't pay for.
And I'll do it right there.
You have a whole controlled setup right there.
That's perfect.
Can't you help me out?
I'll go there, and then another tank.
I'll defecate in it to see what the effect of open sewer is.
i'll urinate and defecate in it i'll put the toilet paper and everything in there
you know and we'll see what happens to those fish how long they survive how they act
and we'll compare the two and another one i'm gonna i have some ground up vikings and we can
put that in there and see what the effect of people flushing their pain medication down the
toilet like has been happening a lot they find traces of all these drugs pharmaceuticals inside
the local fresh water the water sources of major cities you know don't hang up you hang up if you
have the phone if you had the phone hang it up i command you to hang it up all right
thank you hey hello hi hello can i do for you hey how are you hey good how are you
Is there something I can do for you?
I'm a new customer.
I'm looking at booking to have my men pin groomed and masturbated.
Yeah, no.
No, that was a joke.
That was a joke.
But seriously, I need to have it groomed.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I have bursitis.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
Are you eating something?
What would you like?
What are you eating?
Are you eating some Chipotle, big girl?
Are you going to be appropriate and talk to me normally, or?
Okay, I'm sorry.
God, I'm just watching the fucking game.
Fucking awesome.
This soccer shit.
Oh, my fucking God, man.
Dude, I don't have time for this.
I love it.
Fucking soccer's amazing.
Thank you for calling Touchdown Grooming Salon.
This is Jasmine.
How may I help you?
Hey, big girl.
How you doing, Jasmine?
I'm doing fine.
How are you?
Oh, I'm good.
I'm good.
What you guys doing over there?
You guys eating some Chipotle?
No, we're just, you know, doing our jobs.
Oh, you guys are grooming?
Breathing and grooming dogs.
You're grooming?
Yes, I am a groomer.
Oh, that's good.
That's awesome.
Cool.
Good deal.
Yeah.
I have a men pin that I'm looking to get groomed.
Jasmine.
Okay.
Jasmine, that's a black person's name, correct?
No, I am actually Arabic.
Oh, okay.
And you're not a stripper and you have that name?
Huh?
Arabic how? Lebanese? What are you?
Syrian.
Oh, assalamu alaikum.
Yep.
Motherfucker.
Yep.
Yeah, right.
When's your next available machine, appointment machine?
I don't know. I'd have to look in my books.
Well, go, honey, go.
Okay, hold on.
Lumber, how can I help you?
Hey!
Eh-eh-eh.
Eh-eh-eh.
Hello?
What's up?
Eh-eh-eh.
How are you doing?
Fine, how are you?
Eh-eh-eh.
Lumber department, correct?
Reach a department directly.
Press 5.
Or to speak with the operator, press 0.
Transferring, please hold.
Hi, may I direct your call?
Hey!
Hey!
Hi!
How you doing?
Yay!
Hey!
Do you guys still have the forklift machines there?
go around going like that of course okay how much to be able to get on one of those motherfuckers
i have a class d license and everything i've got the commercial license um i want to get on it like
like that uh well we can't actually allow that unless you're an employee yeah but you guys leave
them like on the side all the time i can just jump on one of them and start driving and no one's
gonna it's a big fucking store like sometimes sometimes i can walk like a third of your
your fucking store and it's massive and there's no motherfuckers that i bump into at all down by
the other shit that people don't give a shit about you know there's so much fucking shit there
well it's a big store yeah it's a big fucking ass store that's for sure can you put me through the
lighting electrical yeah sure whoever handles the light bulb machines okay one moment missing the
fucking game yo shit corny man yeah it's time it's time it's time right now guys electrical
Big Fat Frank speaking. How can I help you?
Hey, Big Fat Frank. How you doing, motherfucker?
Good.
Hey, good. Listen, you guys got all kinds...
You have the LED light motherfuckers there?
The Philips?
You got what?
You got them LED sons of bitches?
The LED fucking Philip light motherfuckers?
You know the ones I'm talking about?
Come on.
I'm calling back now. I know what the...
For information on deliveries, press 1.
For scheduled installations, press 2.
Pro services, press 3.
Appliances, press 4.
Lumber and building materials, press 5.
Flooring, press 6.
Hardware and tools, press 7.
Jesus.
Apartments, press 8.
For millwork, press 1.
Paint, press 2.
Plumbing, press 3.
Lighting and electrical, press 4.
F***.
Transferring lighting and electrical, please hold.
What color in the game is grease?
Are they the blue motherf***ers?
How can I help you?
Hey, boy, how you doing?
Good, how about you?
How much you got them 2x4s over there?
2x4 motherfuckers.
What kind are you looking for?
The kind of hacksaw Jim Duggan used to use.
Gotcha.
296.
296 for a 2x4?
Okay.
Is there anything you think...
Or the one that Jim Duggan uses.
Well, he used a 2x4, right?
Yeah, for that one.
Oh, is there one that's more swingable than that?
Well, that's the best one.
for swinging and stuff like that there's nothing a little smaller now could i cut that down in half
not in a two by four so what's the two in the two by four is that the the width yes is it two feet
by four feet no it's not you stupid motherfucker what is it two inches by four feet do you not
know do you seriously you didn't call me that right are you seriously like some kid that doesn't
know you're just working there like oh why don't you come in and see listen motherfucker don't get
get fresh with me all right i drive a fucking dodge motherfucking strata who's the pussy now
yeah attention chat room in the chat room right now the first person to pick a number between
one and nine uh gets to help us play lowe's department roulette and we'll decide which
department we call looks like eight department eight information on deliveries press one for
For millwork, press 1.
Paint, press 2.
Plumbing, press 3.
Oh, shit, it has to be 1 through 7.
I'll go with George's 4.
Outdoor equipment and furnishings.
Transferring to lighting and electrical.
Oh, then he won't pick up.
I don't think he'll pick up.
Electrical, Frank speaking.
Hey, Big Frank, how are you, big guy?
Good, thank you.
Hey, so can I bring a baseball bat with me to check out the bulbs that I need?
Who's calling?
Pierre.
Who's calling?
Pierre.
Pierre Lavoie.
Pierre?
Yeah, Pierre Lavoie.
How are you?
What are we looking for?
I'm looking for LED Philips lights and a few fluorescents.
We carry quite a few different LED bulbs.
Do you have the programmable ones?
The ones that you can run with your computer that turn different colors and all that?
No, I do not have any programmables.
You don't have any Philips?
Do you have any Philips brand smart light?
No, we do not carry Philips brand.
Oh, you have bullshit there.
Can I bring a baseball bat with me?
They put me on hold to hang up every time.
The eighth person to choose a number between 1 and 7 will get the choice.
Eighth person to choose a number between 1 and 7.
Go, go, go.
Now everyone's just going to wait for 7.
All right, Mike, the Donnie has chosen 7 as the 8th valid number in the list.
As far as I can count.
Hey, Director Call.
You can transfer me to the department. I need hardware and tools.
Okay, one moment.
Hurry up.
That's her again. You heard her?
Hardware, tools, this Doug can help you.
Hey, Big Doug, how you doing, Big Fat Doug?
I'm doing fine.
Oh, that's good.
hey the tools that you got there can i um can they be powered up and tested at all or do they
do you just have like models that don't turn on and shit well i i mean i i assume you're looking
for something corded if you want to power it up of course of course yeah yeah well we have
electricity down here yeah oh good yeah so i could take it out of the box and use it well if you want
to turn it on is there a reason i mean just want to make sure it works or make sure it works see
how the motherfucker handles like you know i love that stuff i love using yeah we can test
yeah we can test it oh look at that i'm watching the soccer game oh you won't believe what just
happened just right now motherfucker oh wow i love this goddamn soccer anyway yeah so i can
test it out what on your shelves are they those metal shelves the metal shelves you know what
i'm saying well the tool racking is metal yeah okay and like the screws are exposed i'll go
go ahead and unscrew some of those just to test it out i'll test out on those screws well there's a
piece of wood that you can put screws in and out of if you want to test something well i can test
it out on the shelves though the shelving no we can't take any screws out of our racking
and they don't have screws in them they're used with where they're used with rivets they use a
rivet with a button that releases it it doesn't have any screws in our metal racking well what's
What's a rivet? How do you detach those and attach those?
Well, they have a rivet.
They lock into a key-shaped hole, and it snaps lock.
So you have to press a button to release it and then slide the racking up.
There's no screws in our racking.
It's that easy?
Well, it's not real easy, but you've got to pound them out a lot of times,
but there's no screws in them.
Okay, but you guys have, like, little sledgehammers there and stuff like that
maybe that I could use to do that, right?
No, we can't do anything.
You can't do any work or touch the metal racking.
I have a piece of wood here with different kinds of screws that you can test on,
but we can't do anything with the metal racking.
So just the wood.
Just wood, then.
Just the wood.
Okay.
Is there electric drills?
Of course, you have those electric drills there.
I have battery and electric drills, yeah.
Okay.
Well, is there a power outlet, let's say, in the men's room where I can test it out in there?
No.
Well, what would be the best thing to make, like, a hole, like a glory hole kind of thing?
Like, I would say maybe, oh, about five inches in circumference, a hole in, like, in the divider.
Well, you need a five-inch hole saw to make a five-inch hole in something.
If it's, say, a wood divider in a bathroom stall or a plastic one in a bathroom stall,
to put, like, a five-inch circumference hole in the divider so that you can have anonymous sex through it,
you think like a what was it a five inch saw five inch hole saw okay uh what how much do those go
for uh let me go look for you just a minute do they come battery powered well yeah yeah the
hole saw is 4247 for a five inch does it come battery powered the hole saw is a bit that that
isn't battery powered you can put it on a cordless drill or a battery op or a battery operated drill
so what what the whole saw is a bit to drill a hole it doesn't have any power to it you have to
put it in a powered tool oh that that's how it works yeah i'm a computer science major thank you
so anyway the the drill what's the most inexpensive battery powered drill you got that would put a
hole let's say in something as strong as a thick plastic motherfucker to put that five inch drill
drill bit through i have drills from 29 to 300 so you think it depends on what bolt that you want
the 29 one would that take a long time i have to do it as fast i'm going to be walking in it
needs to be small enough for me to put like let's say in a coat jacket and then i'm walking in i
have to do it really fast before someone else either comes in the bathroom or hears that it
and and blocks me in there you know yeah because you what i'm trying to i'm trying to hey i'm
trying to help you and i have other customers here okay so is there any more questions i can
answer for you yes but all right so you say 20 40 something for the drill bit and let's say 30
dollars and up for the battery powered drill and that should be able to make it so i can put holes
in the bathroom walls to have sex with like you can stick your dick in the hole and the other guy
That's what you want to do.
And the other guy can give you oral sex on the other side.
Every time.
Put me on a hold and then hang up.
All right, start naming a number between one and seven.
I will be typing poop in the chat room,
and the first person after I enter poop in the chat room will be the winner.
So go, go, go.
Enigma wins with number two.
Number two for a nickname.
Transferring to installed sales.
Please hold.
Installed sales.
Stephanie Nistles, how may I help you?
What department is this, big girl?
Big Stephanie?
This is installed.
What does that mean?
If you have something that's going to be installed.
Oh, yeah?
Like what?
Yeah.
Like what?
Like an appliance?
Yeah, like a dishwasher, a gas break.
Hello?
Yep.
So can I schedule that, motherfuckers?
What do you need installed?
I've got several door handles, a new door lock for the front and the back door.
Okay, so you're getting doors installed?
No, just new locks for the rooms and handles for all the rooms and door locks.
And I need you to change those all out.
And then you guys sell vacuum cleaners there, right?
Yes.
All right, go ahead and put the vacuum cleaner together.
And then go ahead and I need you guys to vacuum the whole house, the basement,
and come upstairs, especially the stairs, the carpeted stairs in the front and the back.
Those need to be vacuumed.
I don't think they've been vacuumed at all since we moved in here to this house.
Unfortunately, sir, we don't do that.
Only way for us to install.
This is install.
You people come in and set it up to make it go.
If we're installing it, we don't vacuum your house.
The only way that we vacuum it.
It's a vacuum cleaner.
What else is it for?
What else kind of installation does it go on here other than put it together and use it?
You need to get on this.
Is there a man I can talk to who understands how to use tools?
One second, please.
Can I direct your call?
Hello?
I was talking to install.
It's going to hang up, isn't it?
This is the hang-up song.
It's the hang-up song.
The hang-up song.
All right, we'll play again, guys.
Oh, yeah, the flooding here hurts this.
Right, caller R says two.
We're calling two again.
Press six.
Part transferring to installed sales.
Perfect.
Please hold.
Talk to her again.
No problem.
This is fun.
Hey, guys, I like this.
I've got to find more places with this format.
Stephanie Nisos, let me help you.
Oh, what happened?
I was talking.
This is Stephanie Nisos.
Yeah.
Hey, Big Stephanie, what happened?
What's up?
I trowed for you to one of my managers.
No, you transferred me to the front desk.
The front desk picked up.
The front desk picked up.
The front desk.
She just put me back through to you.
She put me back through to you.
Okay, let me go ahead and give you Leonard one second, please.
This is Leonard.
Hey, boy, how you doing?
Good.
That big fat Leonard?
This is Leonard.
All right.
I was explaining to that Stephanie, whatever her name is.
First of all, she's a piece of trash.
She didn't know how to transfer me over to you.
Or did you not answer the phone?
Is it your fault?
I answered the phone, but there was nobody there when I picked it up.
Then how did I end up getting over to the front desk?
What's that about?
That doesn't happen.
You don't pick up the phone.
Sir, when I picked up my phone, there was nobody there.
What was it?
Did you hear me talk?
Was it a dial tone?
Was it a dial tone?
Sir, did you hear me talk?
No.
Was it a dial tone?
When I picked up my phone, I was calling, hello, hello, hello, and nobody answered.
What did you hear on the line?
There was nothing on the line.
That's why I was calling if anybody was there.
No dial tone, no beeping, no nothing.
No, a dial tone would mean there's nobody there.
Then how would I get through straight to the front desk like that?
I didn't talk, I didn't hear anybody except the front desk.
Sir, I'm just telling you, when I picked up my phone, there was nobody there.
Your phone rang? Or did you just pick it up?
Sir, my phone rang, I picked it up, and there was nobody there.
Sir, did you hear me talking to you?
No, I said, don't yell at me, I'm going to hang up on you if you yell at me.
Don't you dare! Don't you dare!
Sir, I answered my phone, and there was nobody there.
Did you not understand that?
Did you hear me when I answered my phone?
I understand you're a liar.
Don't yell at me.
Don't you yell at me.
Sir, I'm going to hang up on you.
Don't you yell at me.
You cannot talk like that to me.
Don't yell at me.
You cannot yell at me.
Wow.
Thank you for calling home.
And the secret play wins with a seven.
For directions to the store, press one.
We'll be talking to lighting again now.
oh this is his name big frankie transferring to hardware and tools hardware and tools no this is
the last guy it's part of the game the anti-flooding you gotta balance hey i understand
now why i can't actually do that you got a point about the drill i understand why i can't actually
do that okay you know can i help you yeah it'll make too much noise you know they're gonna
definitely do you think it'll make a lot of noise right if i were to do that does it make a lot of
of noise let's say the 29 you know what i partner i don't have time for this i got a bunch of people
here i'm trying to help it's they told me that you can help me out you can the commercial
answer let me transfer you let me transfer you to i'll give you to the store manager all the
questions yeah the store manager right partner listen this shit is hilarious all right we'll
play again. Fuck it. Until they tell
us that we are banned from calling the
store. No one said don't call here anymore yet.
So... Partner?
Alright, go ahead. Choose a number.
Go, go, go. Listen, while I'm at it...
Let me hang that up real quick.
You have to be in the IRC
chat and you...
You have to deal with the flooding rules.
I think that adds a little twist
to it. You know, you gotta have that
balance. You gotta have that balance,
man. It's like playing
craps. Alright, here we go.
Number two.
Thank you for calling in.
Para instrucciones en espanol, marque tres.
Almost forward.
Number two.
Acres with a two.
Press one.
For store hours, press two.
For information on deliveries, press one.
For scheduled installations, transferring to installed sales.
All right, I'll ask for the manager again.
I'll ask and apologize.
We're not getting an answer.
All right, we'll play one more time.
Let's get something we haven't done yet.
Go, go, go.
Numbers, numbers, numbers.
All right, fine.
We'll do three.
Contest over.
We'll do three.
Transferring to Pro Services.
Please hold.
Pro Services.
Hey.
Thank you for calling.
All right, we're done.
We're done with that.
Thank you for playing.
We can see if another Lowe's has that system.
Bingo, they do.
We're doing three for old George.
Play a few more rounds.
It seems to be fun.
I'll shoot you.
Yo, fuck Department 3.
Department 3 must not be open on Sundays,
so if you choose Department 3, your choice will be thrown out.
You've been warned.
So in that case, go ahead, one more time.
Choose a number between 1 and 7, not 3, for us to call.
Whoever comes in after I type poop in the IRC chat room
will gain the distinction of being the department that we call.
You're a good G-man hitting 3, motherfucker.
Department 4 wins, thanks to Green, with 2-3.
Congratulations, boy, take a lap
You gotta answer that phone, man
Sales, money talks, money times money
Hey, man, I'm talking
Well, actually, what happens, I'm talking to someone
Who's wanting to buy something, but then the phone rings
What can I do for you?
I wanna buy one, too
I wanna buy a washing machine, motherfucker
Okay
What do you got over there?
You got anything that moves a lot?
It's for my wife
She's gonna be riding it when I'm not in town
Okay
It's gotta give her, get her, make her
I'll be with you in a minute, dude
It's gotta make her come really hard
That's right
Alright
What's up? What can I do for you?
Washing machine. What do you got there?
Something that'll make my wife cum really hard.
Um, one with a bowling ball in it.
Okay. What pound bowling ball can I use?
Any one you want.
Can I put you on hold while I help this other customer?
Are you looking for a specific washing machine?
Yeah, whichever one moves.
Is there like a cheap shitty one that moves and rattles a lot?
I'll put you on hold.
Huh?
Yeah, fuck this.
These are normal, smart-ass, shit-eating, motherfucking salesmen.
Fuck that guy.
Fuck salesmen.
Fuck anyone in sales.
Fuck you if you sell shit.
You're a fucking asshole.
Fuck you if you're a lawyer, motherfucker.
Fuck you if you're a doctor most of the time, too, motherfucker.
All right, we're playing again.
Type a number in the IRC chat room.
Whoever comes in after the word poop is typed by myself, Carlito,
will have the distinction of having that department called in order based on this Lowe's story.
Keeping in mind, do not put in number three or your answer will not be considered.
Go, go, go.
And number one wins.
G-Man with a number one.
Let's see if that department picks up.
For a calling loan, respond to number one.
Transferring to delivery.
Delivery.
If you are calling regarding your delivery arrival time for tomorrow,
you will receive a call between 6 p.m. and 9 p.m. with your two-hour arrival window.
If you are calling regarding any other issue, please hold for the next available agent.
Please hold.
And or record it for quality and training purposes.
I live in DeLand, huh?
Thank you for calling Lowe's Delivery.
My name is Kathy.
How can I help you?
Oh, listen to your pretty little voice.
Where are you from, DeLand?
No, North Carolina.
South Carolina?
North Carolina.
North Carolina?
I'm in North Carolina.
You're down here with your blonde, pretty little vaginal lips and labia?
No, no, no.
How can I help you?
I wanted to confirm my motherfucking time tomorrow for the washing machine I'm getting for my wife.
She's going to sit on it, and she's going to come and have an orgasm while it's running on the spin cycle.
It sounds like to me that you're wanting to talk to a supervisor.
Is that what it sounds like, honey baby?
Yes, it does.
All right, Sally, go ahead and put me through.
Are you holding?
Yeah, I'm not stupid.
I'm not stupid.
Yes, sir.
What was your name?
I'm happy I'm talking to a man instead of a woman.
What was your name?
My name's Neil.
Hey, big fat Neil.
How you doing, buddy?
I'm doing all right.
What can I do for you today?
All right, big guy.
Where are you from?
You from DeLand?
No, sir.
I'm in North Carolina.
You're in North Carolina?
Yes, sir.
Doing what, motherfucker?
I'm trying to help you out.
Is there anything I can help you with today?
Oh, you're in a fucking call center and shit?
Yes, sir.
I'm in the corporate office.
Yes, sir.
The corporate fucking office in North Carolina, motherfuckers?
No wonder you people talk like you're stupid.
No wonder.
And you must be a stupid visor.
Is there anything I can help you with today?
yeah do you know why the company's headquarters there is in north carolina i know the reason
well it's because this is where the company started out but is there yeah because because
the south lost the war because is there anything south lost the war the south lost the war
the south lost the war give it up the south if there's if there's nothing i can help you out
with on the delivery i'm gonna have to check all is there anything with the delivery i can help
you with yes i live on johnny marching come home road and was down all that aside is there anything
involving a delivery that you need help with yeah that's the road that is being delivered to you
really is there a man i can talk to all right sir i'm gonna have to disconnect the call do you even
know how to use tools do you even lift bro well that place that option just routes to do their
national center cool all right go play play play get your number number number number thank you for
For calling Rose, para instrucciones en espanol, marque 3.
For directions to the store, press 1.
For store hours, press 2.
To reach his apartment directly, press 5.
Or to speak to the operator, press 0.
And the number 4 wins.
Please, please, please hold.
No, no, no, I don't want that.
Hang on, hang on.
It took too long.
For calling Rose.
This is Robert, may I help you?
Is this the big guy I was talking to before?
for? No, the big guy
left. This is Robert. Oh, what are you doing,
boy? I'm
talking to somebody about a washing machine.
Oh, yeah? Washing machine?
Are you from DeLand, bro?
No, I'm from Shreveport, Louisiana.
Is that where you're at now?
Are you originally from there? Oh, that's pretty
stupid. Alright, yeah.
I need a good washing machine for my
wife. She's going to be riding the washing machine
when I'm not in town. Alright, alright.
It needs to make her come really good, make her
come really hard. Alright.
All right, let's do that.
In the spin cycle.
Can I plug those motherfuckers in?
Pardon me?
Can I plug those motherfuckers in over there?
Anytime, yeah.
Okay.
I've got a Samsung plugged in right now.
Is there a way to make it go straight to the spin cycle?
Is there a way to take the dial off or some fucking shit like that?
Actually, there is.
Most of these, you can use diagnostic codes,
and you can make it go straight to the spin cycle.
What's the code?
It varies per machine.
Oh, wow, and you can help me find the fucking code?
I don't know, it depends which one you have.
And my wife will go down there and she'll write it?
I'm going to have to put you on hold again for a minute because I've got someone waiting for me.
What do you mean again? What do you mean again, motherfucker?
Fuck, it is him.
Don't give me a number four again, I'm going to kick your asses, motherfuckers.
Give me a number.
Go, go, go.
Number.
Oh, wrong one.
Well, five.
Five wins.
G-Man with a five.
I don't think we've talked to Department of Five yet.
And for the next one, I'll skip to the second page by hitting 8.
Thank you for calling Lowe's.
For information on delivery, transferring to lumber and building materials.
Oh, we did talk to lumber over there in Nevada.
The Florida lumber.
This is Dale Lumber. Can I help you?
What's going on? What's the beeping? What's the beeping?
I had a great idea about doing this store that we're calling.
I actually been there and I actually bought lumber there right before a hurricane back in
2000 the hurricane was threatening Central Florida and I would this is the one I went to to buy the lumber for the windows
Naturally, I want to use a baseball bat. Let me try them again. Thank you for calling
Transferring to lumber and building materials, please. Hold listen to this guitar. Yeah
Yeah, man.
Sounds like a fucking synthesizer, bro.
Dale.
Hey, Dale.
Lumber.
Lumber boy.
Yeah?
Hey, boy.
Listen, can I, um, but I want to go buy some, uh, I guess not two by fours.
I need some panels, some, I guess, plywood, is it, that you need for the hurricanes?
Well, yeah, you could use it if you wish.
What do I need to get, exactly?
Just plywood or what, motherfucker?
Personally, I would use OSB, but that's me.
All right, and can I, I'm going to bring a baseball bat with me to test it.
just to see how hard i can hit it before it breaks and splinters and all that yeah sure you can do
that too yeah but let me tell you something if they break the ones that break i'm not buying
because they're fault sure no problem okay and i need you're gonna sign a contract uh it's gonna
say dale on it and that you guarantee you guarantee that there won't be any damage to my
house when the hurt when a category 5 hurricane comes through central florida because uh because
Because you're going to swear that the plywood will hold out anything that's going to come through the windows and the doors, and it won't.
The house will not be damaged.
And so if the house gets damaged, the insurance company is going to come after you.
Yeah, sure. Why not?
Okay, what's your social security number? I'll put it down here.
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8.
You fat motherfucker, you.
I was there earlier, and I saw you, fat motherfucker.
Did you?
Yeah.
fat dale you're big fat dale really you didn't see me boy yeah hey who you calling boy motherfucker
i'm a grown damn man i'm a grown man with children motherfucker yeah you and your boyfriend
probably had a good time doing that fuck you fuck you motherfucker
you know something they're gonna be having fun when they monitor this phone call
Oh, my God, they're going to model it on my phone call.
Oh, what are they going to do?
Oh, no, I don't care about me or you.
I'm just going to give them a good laugh about it.
Are you going to come over, right, so I can fuck you in the ass?
I'm going to pork you.
No, you sound like the type.
Come in front of me, motherfucker, and I'll pork you in the ass.
Listen, that's how you're going to sound.
You sound like a big porky pig right now.
That's what you're going to do when I fuck you.
Ha, ha, you're going to be hee, hee, hee, hee, hee.
I command you to hang up.
Do you?
I command you.
I order you.
I got a jerk on the phone making a prank phone call.
I heard that.
What?
Uh, no, he's a butt.
That's the second time.
Motherfucker.
He said he saw me here earlier.
I'm a fat motherfucker.
I hear that.
Yeah, pretty much.
Really?
Yeah.
I'm at the same point.
Phone call.
Yeah, it was just a moment ago.
Oh, I was at St. Bert's.
no i hung up no i didn't motherfucker oh man i was still there i was listening yeah
greece gotta go motherfucker greece yeah greece power doing it for golden dawn man
all right here we go again hit me up with a number between one and seven do not choose three
we're going to be doing the second page of the phone tree this time number is four green with
four page two number four i wonder if we have four options on that thank you
for millwork transferring to lighting and electrical lighting and electrical
yeah our good friends at the other store we'll do more baseball bats all right acres i said
i didn't say poop again hang on hey big guy how you doing big fat norman here i am yeah
Yeah, were you from Deland, motherfucker?
No, no, no, I'm an Astor boy.
You're a what?
Astor boy.
I was up on the river.
Oh, Astor up in the middle.
Oh, yeah, up there, motherfucker?
Wow, that's far away, damn it.
Well, it just gets around.
Oh, shit.
What do you drive, a pickup truck, motherfucker?
I'll go in there and I'll pork you.
Yeah, it's a pickup truck.
Yeah, you like to do some porking sometimes?
No, no, no, I coasted quick, Dad.
I got too damn old for it.
Oh, I got you, I got you, buddy.
Hey, listen, so do you have those LED light motherfuckers?
Yes, I do.
All right, can I bring a baseball bat with me to test them out?
Anything you want, as long as you get away with it.
Yeah, I like to come in, I swing my baseball bat around,
and I start hitting all the lambs and the fans.
We got some pretty tough security guards, though.
I'll hit them, too. I'll hit them, too.
Okay, you only get one third strike. Doesn't count here, though.
Yeah, whatever.
I hit them right across. I hit them, like, in the back of the head.
and I hit him in the back of the knees and the kneecaps.
They're like, oh, oh, oh.
Yeah, but remember, three strikes and you're out, so you got three of me.
Whatever that's supposed to mean.
Do you have ceiling fans set up and running already?
Beg your pardon?
Do you have the ceiling fans already, like, running and hooked up and everything?
Nope, I have a couple of them, but that's all.
All right, so I'm going to swing at those.
The ones that are turned on, I'm going to swing at them and hit them.
Okay.
All right.
It sounds like a plan, motherfucking asshole motherfucker.
motherfucker. Aster motherfucker.
Here I am. You fat
Aster fucking Norman motherfucker
you. That's me. Yeah.
Masturbating. I'm glad you like me and appreciate
me. Masturbating while you're
eating chicken, driving your fucking pickup
truck in an Aster. Now that's
a complete blowout because I'm way
too old for that shit anymore. You're too old
to masturbate? Yep. When's the last
time you had to masturbate? It's gotta
have, gotta be long enough to use it.
Oh, your penis doesn't get hard?
You don't have erections anymore? That's right.
oh i'm sorry maybe you're did you think maybe you're gay maybe you could try a man maybe that'll
help a little kinky maybe you just got maybe you just got used to women and now you need something
a little dirty and kinky you know men animals you can try pedophilia but that's i've had i've had
cows and pigs and yeah that was in my younger day though you fucked a cow yeah i have seen some real
cows that i got into oh yeah and a pig like a female female yeah a female pig too you fucked
a sow yeah yeah okay very nice that's nice all right what was your favorite i
think a rat tune
was my best oh wow that's kinky all right yeah you're fucking crazy no wonder you get bored with
conventional sex and all that you're fucking raccoon yeah you could get rabies from that you
gotta be careful don't promise me you won't do that again anymore okay well i just do the right
in i'm all right if i get the wrong in i'm in trouble yeah hey you did you try a flashlight
i'll get you a flashlight you know what that is yeah it's like a pocket pussy a pussy in a little
it's like the size of a big flashlight and it has a rubber pussy in there and you can stick your
dick in it and jack off in it and come in it and everything like girl feels like a girl it's good
they got a mouth they got a pussy they got a mouth they got an ass one yeah yeah they got
got an asian one that goes sideways i haven't been one of those stores in years yeah well i'll get it
for you don't worry i'll get it for you i'll surprise you all right i'll surprise you i'll
get you maybe i'll get you the either the pussy the mouse of the mouth of the ass it'll be a
surprise all right okay i'll pick you up a bottle lube you want to use a bottle lube too just to
make and get it nice and wet you know yeah bring it on up all right buddy all right bub i'll see
see you there later man all right all right god bless you bye-bye it does it did sound like
jonathan is that john maybe it was jonathan hey carlito jonathan works at lowe's now no wonder
he was so happy sounding like nothing got to him he's like oh it's carlito hey man i'm so happy
all right choose a number motherfuckers for page two i will type poop choose a number number number
One through seven.
Acres wins with two, motherfucker.
Let's see what two is.
Thank you for calling Rome.
For information.
For millwork.
Transferring to paint.
Please hold.
Paint.
It's a new one.
Paint, guys.
Yay, new department.
Service.
Hey.
Hey.
What is it?
Hi.
I need paint.
Sorry?
Paint.
Paint.
One paint.
Thanks.
This is Gene.
Hey, boy.
I've got a picture against the Greeks.
Jesus Christ.
I'm watching that soccer, man.
It's so exciting.
Oh, I'm telling you, isn't it?
I love this fucking shit, man.
It's fucking amazing.
Right now, two of these motherfuckers are tied up.
I never got into it much, but I'm sure it's great.
They're an extra time, motherfucker.
Listen, you guys got paint?
I need to make an order.
Want paint?
Hang on just a second.
Want paint?
I got to get some paper and stuff.
I was talking to a customer.
Oh, what were you talking about?
Fornicating?
No, no, no.
we weren't doing that okay okay there's the paper here's the pen okay all right fire away what would
you like yeah i need one paint all right i need another paint paint yeah one paint yeah what kind
of paint with color yeah i need to know what kind of paint you're using and what color and all that
other stuff uh six spaces of paint uh any clear prussian prussian black yeah all right you got
got prussian black i don't know that i'd have to look all this stuff up that you're telling me
look for orange orange crush sour diesel trying to ride that line i'm trying to think what other
ones i got oh man i don't even remember romulan alaskan thunderfuck white widow
yeah alaskan thunderfuck probably not the best idea whoops damn i had them i had them too
I had them with the weird ones.
We'll do that later.
We get pain again.
We'll just start giving out marijuana strain names.
White Ocean Froth.
Durban Poison.
Pineapple Chunk.
Orange Green.
Urine Yellow.
Those are not weed strains, guys.
But funny.
White Widow.
Shit.
You guys crack me up, man.
But now I'm finally watching the Greek.
I forgot.
I was going just to the main ESPN page, and you can log in there and watch it,
but it only pays for like five minutes, and then it goes away.
You have to go on to the actual watch ESPN site.
There I am now.
Now I'm seeing Pustis Mo...
Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
We got to call fucking Greek restaurants, man.
Yeah, and I'll say I'm from Costa Rica.
Fuck, yeah, you know they're watching the motherfucker right now.
Call some Greek restaurants in Orlando.
Taverna Opa, I know exactly where this is.
Thank you for calling Taverna Opa, Orlando.
Press 1 for preferred seating.
Press 2 for group sales.
Please note, group sales hours...
Please hold a moment.
Thank you for calling Taverna Opa.
How can I help you?
Hey, are you guys watching the game?
Yes, we are.
Oh, yeah, it's Ty.
I'm from Costa Rica.
You guys are going to lose, motherfucker.
Malacca.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, Pustis Malacca going to lose.
Yeah.
Malacca.
Who is this?
My name is Pierre Lavoie.
I'm from Costa Rica.
You motherfuckers are going to lose.
Pustis Malacca are going to lose.
They play like caca.
No, you'll see.
We're going to win.
No worries.
Yeah, bullshit.
Look at this motherfucker.
He's going to kick them right in the balls right now, I hope.
This fucking animal.
Greek fucking animal.
Greek monkey.
He's going to kick the Greek monkey right in the balls and kick him out.
He's going to break his balls and break his ankle.
All right.
Have a good one.
All right, motherfucker.
Here we go.
My aim should be to be on the line right when they get scored against.
I'm actually supporting Greece in this game, but fuck it.
Shit, if Greece wins, because good luck trying to find a Costa Rican restaurant
We could try that.
Let's try, listen for Costa Rican restaurants.
Is there one in Orlando?
We'll find out.
Your call is important to us.
We'll be right with you.
Thank you for calling Tover Alpha.
How can I help you?
Hey, you watching the game over there?
Yes, we are.
Yeah, you motherfuckers are going to lose.
Piece of shit.
Greece team, Greek team is a piece of crap.
Okay.
Yeah, it's a piece of shit team.
Okay.
And the Greek monkey animal is going to lose.
Have a great day, sir. Bye-bye.
I'm going to make them fuck him in the ass.
Yeah.
I wonder if they're actually Greek, all of them.
I think most of the people, from my experience in that restaurant,
it's mostly Americans that work in there.
Thank you for calling Olympia. This is your next video.
Hey, you're watching the game.
Hello?
You're watching the game.
No, I'm not watching the game. I'm at work.
Well, you don't have the game on there for me to come down there and watch Greece
get beat by the real man, the Greece monkeys get loose in the fucking game?
yeah the malacca lose malacca losing yay fucking greek malacca losing hello hello honey baby hey
bitch gotta find a place where they're gonna get mad that i'm interrupting it because it's
tied in extra time it's quite the tensest right now here's the greek tavern this place breaks
plates when they have wedding celebrations and stuff so i've heard hello thank you for calling
hey you watch you got the game on over there yeah oh yeah the the monkeys are gonna lose right
i guess so i hope so yeah the monkeys the costa rican monkeys yeah yeah i hope so they're a bunch
of animals they're disgusting people okay what are they talking about over there what's going on
uh nothing we just lose the game oh yeah that's good yeah can i break some plates over there can
Can I go over there and break some plates?
No, we're not breaking the plates, sir.
Oh, okay.
Can I break my plates when I'm done?
You can, I believe so.
Can I make an order?
Do you want to go?
Yeah, yeah.
One malacca?
No, we don't sell malacca.
Yeah, yeah.
Do you have a nice boy over there to do malacca for me?
We don't have it.
Do you have your little boys over there that do malacca and I can watch?
Motherfucking piece of shit.
Fucking grease.
Motherfucking gonna lose.
Motherfucker.
Okay, sir, what would you like to order?
Yeah, one Pustis.
I'm sorry?
One Pustis.
We don't sell Pustis, we don't sell Malacca, sir.
Well, then you can't help me, asshole!
Hello?
Yeah.
What can I do for you?
Yeah, I need to make an order.
One Malacca.
We don't have any Malaccas, but I think the Malacca who's calling is a Malacca.
One Pustis, mother?
One Pustis, mother?
You must have all of those, because we don't sell those here.
How many fathers do you have?
Fuck you.
How many fathers?
Fuck yeah.
Fucking Greeks watching a fucking game.
Yeah, you know what I should do?
Call one of these Greek restaurants and deceive,
but none of them have a corporate office.
But I could call them and have them throw the snorkel breakers.
They're in the middle of the fucking game.
God willing, they lose it during that time.
Great corner this, Kevin.
Kevin, can I help you?
You guys got the game on over there.
Yeah.
We don't have a TV over here.
You stupid motherfucker.
Fuck you.
Yeah, fuck you, Malaka bitch.
What am I going to do?
We don't got the game.
Asshole can't hang up.
He's still stuck on the line.
That's it there.
Here's Nick's Family Diner.
Nick is a Greek, and he has a Greek restaurant.
Nico.
You've reached Nick's Family Diner.
We're open seven days a week from 7 a.m. to 3 p.m.
We hope to see you here.
They're closed, motherfucker.
The last one is Zorba's Greek Taverna.
Hey, motherfucker, how are you?
Hey.
Yeah, what's up, you?
Yeah, you got the game on?
Huh?
Can I watch the game over there?
I don't know.
Who is this?
I'm Gus.
Um, I don't know.
What do you mean?
Do you have the game on over there?
Yeah, I do.
Okay, are you watching?
or no no i'm not oh how many fathers do you have how many what fathers fathers yeah five
are you a malacca uh-huh you're malacca uh-huh okay can i make an order yeah let me think about
it yeah go ahead one pustis uh all right one malacca he's like let me think about it oh yeah
i want money motherfucker watch the game for a little bit here setting it up motherfucker
motherfucker and they're kicking the ball and malaka is kicking the ball to pustis
pustis passes it to gus gus kicks it out of brown malaka passes the pustis masturbator
passes to faggot that's what i just said basically literal translation i hate to say
the effort but that's what pustis means we're calling coast restaurant bar this is whitney
hey baby how are you good honey who's this oh hey honey baby this is gus hey gus what's going on
God, you sound so fucking hot right now.
It's fucking hard to listen to you.
Oh, my God.
I don't know who you are, I don't think.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were someone I know.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God.
Are you guys playing the game over there?
The soccer game?
Yeah.
Yes.
Okay, that's great.
I need you guys to do a test with the breakers.
I'm sorry, what do you mean?
I'm calling from the corporate office.
us we need you guys to check the breakers to make sure the generator kicks in we do this on sundays
it's the slowest day of the week one second all right honey baby hey this is trisha how can i help
you hi trisha i'm calling for united power machines we just need you to test the breakers
to make sure the generator kicks on we do this on sundays the last sunday of the month since it's
usually the slowest day for business it just takes about um you just turn the breakers off and back
on and we make sure that the the generator kicks in i would have no idea how to do that you don't
lose power do you know where the big switch is the big switches are no i can give you to somebody in
the kitchen okay see if they can help you hold on okay the breaker they call every sunday night
once a month for the breaker some power company they want me to flip the breaker
i've never heard of that because they call once a month last sunday of the month to flip the
I don't, I mean, we just tell them no, I don't know, we'll call back and talk to them.
But is it Danny or we can call Thomas?
We can call Thomas.
Okay.
Hey.
Yeah.
Yes.
My boyfriend is off.
Oh, he's off.
He's in Greece.
Yes.
They're flipping the breaker. They want us to put the breaker.
They want us to put the breaker, they? To check the power? I don't know.
Okay.
no nothing no nothing motherfucker no nothing hey can um we're not gonna do that you do it
right now no we're not i'm sorry i command you to do it sorry we're not goodbye bitch
uh i need to grab something to munch on and i need to refill my water so listen to a
prank call here a few prank calls while i take a break and i'll be right back
we'll be back right after this
hey woman is there a man i can speak to excuse me there are any men that work there no for who
you want to speak i want to know if you have a certain product but i think only maybe you know
Are you reliable?
Like, you know where to find stuff there?
Yeah.
Okay.
Hold on.
All right.
She's looking for it already.
Hello?
Okay, is this a man?
Is this a man?
Because I don't like speaking to women on the phone.
My wife doesn't allow me to.
Okay.
Okay, what's the largest quantity you have of, like, gin?
Gin?
Yeah, the largest, and what's the brand name?
I got, like, the largest size.
Yeah, of gin.
I got Seagram's gin, half a gallon.
Half a gallon of it?
How much does that go for?
It's a five.
Yeah?
Yeah, how much do you want to spend?
What do you got?
What do you need?
I got some bread.
You want some bread?
Seagrams is how much?
$29.99 for the Seagrams.
What's the other one is now?
Bombay, how much?
$29 for the Bombay.
I'll take that Bombay.
I'm going to break you off like $50, all right?
Go back.
Hey, let me break you off a clean $50.
I'm going to go to the ATM, get out $40, and then my old girl's got $10.
Excuse me?
I'm going to go to the ATM, pick out $40, and then my old girl has $10.
Let me hook that up with $50.
No, there's tax included.
All right, I've got the tax, too.
I've got some change.
$54.99 plus tax.
Well, let's do $50 plus tax.
gin in the salad i'll take the dry gym come on come on what about the two what about the two
sea grams no go the other one hey what about the two sea grams i'm trying to get your attention
because i'm talking to you and you're not listening to me okay how do you get the listen
how do you what about the two seagrams what about seagrams i want two seagrams yeah for 50 no
come on um a big seagrams and you got like a medium seagrams yeah i got a medium seagram
Listen, I want as much gin as I can get with $50.
So you've got to make a combination.
Figure out I'm going to write a check for $50 exactly.
No, we don't take checks.
Are you insane?
Well, then I've got to go to the ATM.
Yes, go to the ATM.
Do whatever you have to do.
But why?
They charge me.
And they were charging tax and we don't take checks.
Do what you've got to do.
They charge a fee.
Help me out.
I want to make it even $50.
No, I'm helping you.
I'm telling you.
Go to the ATM and take out the money.
Okay, I'm going to get $50 cash, all right?
And what do you want me to do with that?
Well, let's make a combination to get the maximum amount of one.
How much is a half a gallon of seagulls, Jim?
Yeah.
How much is that?
Together.
Both of them together.
No, forget it.
You don't have enough.
You got $50.
What's the next smallest one, then?
What do you got?
You got a pint?
You know what?
I got a pint for $10.99.
You got a half a gallon, you get a pint.
For $10.99?
All right, what's in that?
$10.99 plus no cash.
No cash?
No.
All right, so that's four.
How much is the tax, then?
like like ring it up bring it up real quick and then print the receipt and i'll come out pay that
exactly to the penny because i'm half gallon of gin and a pint of seagulls gin ring it up let me
know how much it is 40 all right and then how much is the cigarettes oh what about um you got
like small the small airplane bottles of bacardi i got small airplane bottles of bacardi all right
well how much of those go all right so add like how many plus i can get for 50 even like how many
like one or two you think what was his total right there 43.64 what's the total right now 44.20 um
i i got four twenty right and it's a dollar seventy five each that's three twenty five you
can get two of them you're gonna help me out with two all right what about the taxes on that too
well you get the tax for me it's just a little bit of time how much is it with three all right
so i got 55 i got 55 cents you got 55 cents for yourself you got candy or what you got
What?
You got some candy?
What can I put on?
No.
Yeah, but I got a check for $50, so.
Come on.
You know what?
Forget it.
Forget it.
You want the delivery?
Yes or no?
How much is delivery?
55 cents?
Do you want the delivery?
Yes or no?
Yeah, but I mean, is it 55 cents for delivery?
No, it's free.
Oh, but I'll tip him 55 cents, right?
I don't care what you give him for a tip.
That's up to you.
I really don't give a shit.
Do you want the delivery?
Hey, wait a minute, buddy.
What did you say?
You want the delivery?
Yes or no?
No, you said a bad word.
Yes, I don't give a shit.
You know what?
Fuck you, you fucking monkey asshole.
All right.
You son of a bitch.
He's a dick.
I want to take the fucking delivery.
Yeah, okay.
You going to do the delivery?
Fuck you.
Listen, for you, I don't got time.
It's 1600 Pennsylvania.
That was worth it.
Hey, let's go.
Guy tried to break in my truck.
Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.
Yes, he's a long-legged chicken.
Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.
All right, I'm back.
The score is still tied 1-1.
That last prank call I did right before I left, the one about the breakers at the Greek restaurant.
That went out to Gman666.
He sent that number in.
Thank you.
Hey, how are you doing?
Good, how are you?
Are you guys watching the game?
We are.
Yeah, it's a good game.
I think we're going to beat these monkeys, huh?
Yeah, the Greeks.
I think the monkeys are going to get beat finally.
It's coming pretty soon.
The monkeys are going to lose, you know?
You know, the monkey people, monkey people team.
I'm not sure.
What do you mean?
Are you talking about Costa Rica?
Uh-huh.
Yeah, don't you think they're like monkeys?
I don't know.
They look like monkeys.
They got monkey names.
can I help you?
Is there a man I can talk to about soccer, about football?
Yeah, one moment.
Okay.
For holding, this is Dustin. How may I help you?
Hey, Yasu, how are you?
Good, how are you?
Are you Greek?
I am not.
I thought this was a Greek restaurant.
Yes.
Who's Greek over there?
The owner.
Put him on?
She's not here right now.
What's she doing? Is she fornicating?
She's off today.
Probably fucking, right?
I like saying this monkey people.
No, she's like, uh, it depends.
It's okay to call Costa Ricans monkeys, I guess.
That last one went out, too.
Who was it?
Acres.
That was Acres' number.
I'm going.
Hey.
Hi.
You guys have the game on?
A soccer game?
Yeah.
Yeah.
This is a Greek place, right?
Are you Greek?
I'm not.
Who's Greek over there?
My boss.
Oh, come put him on.
He is not here at the moment.
What's she doing?
Fornicating?
No, can I ask who's calling?
This is Gus.
Oh, he is up in Old Town for the night.
Oh, is he fucking his wife, porking his wife?
Is he what?
Is he porking his wife?
No.
Okay.
Okay.
I was just curious.
All right, well, thank you then.
You can't help me.
You're pretty much useless.
Okay.
You don't have to ask me those kinds of questions.
It's very inappropriate, actually.
Yeah, well, I am calling from United Power Machines.
He wanted me to call.
Well, it's the last Sunday of the month, so we need to check your generator.
Who can switch the breakers off for five seconds and back on?
Just one second.
Okay.
I'm not getting an answer, so I hang up.
That one was G-Man666.
Let's play the Lowe's game again.
Hey.
Yeah.
Back to the Lowe's in Florida.
Here we go.
Type a number between 1 and 7, please.
In the chat room, type a number between 1 and 7.
The one that comes in after I type poop will be the winner.
I did the wrong one again.
One.
One is the winner.
One.
Yay.
Bring to millwork.
Please hold.
Millwork.
Can somebody help you?
Oh, millwork.
It's millwork.
Yes, it is.
Yeah, I need some cider.
Okay.
Ciding?
Cider.
I need to make some cider.
Okay, I think you have the wrong number.
Millwork, right?
Right.
I need to make some cider.
Okay, tell me how to make it.
Your millwork is supposed to tell me.
The commercial says, never stop improving.
You guys always show after all the questions on the phone or in person.
Yeah.
You want to know how to make some cider.
Apple cider?
I do cider.
I don't know.
You got me.
What else can you make in a mill?
Flour?
Yeah, there you go.
What else?
Coffee?
Is there a coffee mill?
No.
I don't know.
I don't think so.
I don't think so either.
What else can you mill?
I don't know.
Not so good.
Okay, I got to get going.
Is there a way I can help?
Yeah, what's your favorite Dorito, nacho cheese or Cool Ranch?
Neither.
What do you like?
Which one?
Taco.
Oh, God.
Taco's good, right?
It tastes just like meat, motherfucker.
I don't make it anymore.
It tastes just like meat, motherfucker.
Hang up song.
That was stupid.
Let's not do that again.
All right, let me find somewhere to go.
I never really pranked Miami.
It's like the game is over.
What happened?
What did I miss?
There's people sitting down.
I don't see a score.
What's going on?
i don't know what's happening i saw the coach walk in and i see people sitting down are they
going to the penalty phase they're all huddled i think so penalty kicks motherfucker yeah we
gotta call that first greek restaurant back there that was the guy that was like we'll see we'll see
give me cole that was taverna opa that's the one over there on a international drive the big
tourism area this place is fucking awesome though it's a good restaurant so how does this work come
Come on, I'm American.
I don't really know.
They take five shots of the ball.
They hit the ball five times.
That's just what I got to be asking the guy.
I should distract him from being able to watch this.
Hey, what are you?
Thank you for calling Taverna Opa Orlando.
Taverna Opa.
Hey, you guys watching the game?
Yes, we are.
Are you Greek?
No, actually, I'm from Costa Rica.
Oh, you're Costa Rican?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, we're about to beat these monkeys, you know?
Are you Greek?
Uh-huh.
Yeah?
Yeah, we're about to...
Oh, so you're enjoying the game right now, or...?
I am. We're about to beat these monkeys and go to hell.
The monkeys are going to go to hell. They're going to lose.
Who are the monkeys?
My name is Gus.
Okay.
What's your name, Nick?
I think, actually, you used the wrong number.
This is Greek to Opa Taverna. Opa.
No, actually, it's a personal number that you're calling.
You're a piece of shit, motherfucker, Malaka.
Oh, you know Malaka, so...
I know your mother, too.
Good for you.
I know your mother, yeah.
And I know your pustis.
She told me.
Your mother told me.
Good for you.
Yeah, how many fathers do you have?
Well, you hear them saying Opa in the background.
Opa!
Fuck you.
That guy was Greek.
He's not Costa Rican.
He's a Greek.
I'll call back.
See if someone else picks up.
Sales hours are...
Please hold the moment.
Your call is important.
Who will be invited?
Is it even called test time?
oh serious deja vu right now wicked just hit me like for some reason i remember thinking i've had
a dream where i was doing the show and i was prank calling a greek restaurant and i was patching in
the audio of the of of a world cup game with greece in it i can swear i've had that in the
dream before i swear to god that's what it seemed like isn't it that that shit creeps you out there's
There's a Costa Rican girl crying in the crowd already.
Boo-hoo-hoo.
We haven't lost yet, and I'm sad.
Boo-hoo.
I hope they lose, and they show her in the end.
All right, let's pay attention to this.
...Rican players have had a practice.
Mr. Umania from Costa Rica, the monkey, getting ready to go.
He's a light-skinned gentleman.
Dark features, of course.
...destiny at his feet, in his hands.
Scrubs the ground.
He's running.
He kicks, and it is good.
It's over.
Fuck.
So close, Breeze.
So close.
The same interval as Costa Rica in the quarterfinals.
Costa Rica.
Well, that does that.
All right, back to Rage Against the Machine.
Let's call back that Greek tavern and tell them how their motherfucker.
Great flame.
Yeah, you fuckers lost.
You lost.
You lose motherfucker
You lose motherfucker
Let me tell you what
What did you go and fuck yourself
Piece of shit Greek
Piece of shit
I'm a piece of shit
You're a motherfucker
Fucking idiot
You're a malaka
You're a malaka fucking
I'm a malaka
If I have you in front of me
I'll show you who's malaka
Stupid idiot
I fuck your mom in front of me
Stupid idiot
Piece of shit
You're a fucking stupid motherfucker
Motherfucker, that's what you are.
And you know what?
I fuck your mom, your dad, whoever your fucking family, motherfucker.
Fuck you.
I'm Costa Rican and I'm better than you.
You know what?
Fuck Costa Rica.
All for Costa Rica.
I will fuck Costa Rica today.
I'm going to fuck two Costa Ricans today.
To show you who fuck who.
Motherfucker, piece of shit.
Yeah, we fucked you.
Yay.
We fucked you.
We fucked Greece.
Costa Rica.
You fucked yourself, you motherfucker.
We fucked you.
Okay, hey, police is coming.
Don't worry.
Okay.
Oh.
Fuck you.
Fuck you, your family, all Costa Rica, plus all your fucking country,
wherever you have left.
Bitch.
I lose.
That's what you are, you fucking bitch.
Okay?
Loser.
I'm a loser?
Yeah.
I'm a loser.
I'm a fucking loser.
Not because I fuck you any time I want, bitch.
Yeah, but you still suck at football.
You suck my dick.
That's all you do.
Okay?
Who stays?
You understand that?
You pustis?
Yeah, pusti pucho, you have my dick in your ass, you pustis.
Yeah, you want it because you're pustis.
Okay, okay.
You want my-
You track the number? You track the number?
Listen.
Okay, we got the number. You know what? I'm gonna pull the- I'm gonna call the fucking cops, or I'm gonna call my friend, Mafia.
We're gonna come and kick your ass up there.
Fuck you.
I'm gonna get you fucking pieces, bitch.
Fuck you.
I'm gonna cut you pieces from your dick up to your fucking head.
Because that's where you deserve to be.
Wait. You have your balls? Wait.
Okay, come so I can fuck your friend
I'll fuck your friend for you
You'll fuck my friend?
You a motherfucker, piece of shit, lose no number
Because if you don't lose your number
I'm gonna call my friend now, fuck you
I have bigger dick because I'm from Costa Rica
Yeah
Wow
He is very mad
Good timing on that, huh?
Shit
Oh, man
Oh, my God, that was funny
Oh, man
Man, that was a fucking epic argument, man.
Shit.
These are the sounds of that old man, really mad that he lost.
Hey, are you Greek?
Yes, please.
Okay, you guys lost the game.
You lost the football.
Can I help you, sir?
You lost football game.
I'm from Costa Rica, and you lost football game.
It's funny.
Sir, can I help you with something?
Yeah, you're Greek and you lost a football game.
You're funny.
It's funny that you lost a football game.
I'm glad you're happy, sir.
I'm happy because Greek is a piece of shit.
He didn't really care.
I think he's a pustis himself.
That's why he didn't.
He's like, I don't like football.
I don't like pustis.
I like how that Greek guy, he totally played into my hand.
His daughter was there like, the girl was like, don't go.
Hang up, hang up.
He's like, fuck that.
this guy he's costa rican hey how are you oh good were you watching the game what kind of game
the football game no i'm sorry oh you're greek right no i'm greek yeah where are you from
why'd you ask me because you lose you lost the game you stupid greek people lost the game
who is this oh my name is pustis malaka no i'm sorry i don't know i'm from costa rica i fuck you
Fuck me up?
I fuck you.
I fuck you.
Okay, thank you.
Yeah, fuck you.
Yeah, fuck you.
That was another Florida one.
He's like, ho, ho, ho.
Hello?
Hello?
Hey, motherfucker.
Hey, motherfucker.
Thank you for calling, Sabrina.
Hold a moment.
Your call is important to us.
Hey, you guys lost, you monkey.
You Greek lose.
Greek lost, monkey.
Look at you, celebrating Greek loss.
So they're singing and dancing over there.
They're so stupid.
Maybe they're watching it on tape though.
They didn't know.
I just spoiled it for them.
No!
Man, I don't think you can get any better than that shit that we just fucking did with that old guy, man.
I can't wait to hear that shit again because he just fucking flew off the fucking rails, man.
Anyway.
Well, it's 7 o'clock.
I've been on for like, what, three hours now?
Let me see.
Let me look at the timer.
two and a half about two and a half hours i don't know maybe i'm done okay i am done yeah i am done
bye

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