MadhouseSearch

Happy Canada Day!

1 Jul 2014 · 2 h 49 min · 19,774 words · source

Calls (42, 2 h 10 min of 2 h 49 min)
  1. Restaurant manager asked about reservations live 1.4 min clip ↓
  2. Hilton Toronto fire detector request live 3.4 min clip ↓
  3. Mark Breslin's Yuck Yucks voicemail ivr 52 s clip ↓
  4. McDonald's Toronto syrup order live 1.4 min clip ↓
  5. McDonald's Toronto fireworks and gas plan live 4.4 min clip ↓
  6. Gas station asked to burn family live 2.2 min clip ↓
  7. News about Gretzky crash live 1.1 min clip ↓
  8. Spot Coffee manager ordered a sandwich live 2.6 min clip ↓
  9. Spot Coffee customer complains about Toronto location live 5.9 min clip ↓
  10. Prime Canada aquarium admission questions live 1.6 min clip ↓
  11. Sandwich order with bizarre demands live 4.0 min clip ↓
  12. Hotel fire alarm shutdown for fireworks live 47 s clip ↓
  13. Japanese food order with toilet eating live 2.0 min clip ↓
  14. Medieval Times dinner theater complaint live 4.3 min clip ↓
  15. Precious Blood meeting inquiry live 1.4 min clip ↓
  16. St. Joseph's Church blood request live 1.6 min clip ↓
  17. Office furniture complaint to Al live 1.3 min clip ↓
  18. Ordering spaghetti and salad live 1.6 min clip ↓
  19. Joining Madhouse Radio group live 1.3 min clip ↓
  20. Spitty Warehouse customer service live 3.3 min clip ↓
  21. Panera Bread customer service about sandwich live 10.2 min clip ↓
  22. Caller discusses Jesus' bodily functions live 5.6 min clip ↓
  23. Cake decorator dispute with customer live 14.8 min clip ↓
  24. Taco Bell Newfoundland automated menu ivr 1.3 min clip ↓
  25. Walmart Supercenter touch-tone menu ivr 1.4 min clip ↓
  26. Walmart security person live 43 s clip ↓
  27. Holiday Inn reservation agent live 1.5 min clip ↓
  28. Hotel guest demands to stop affair live 1.2 min clip ↓
  29. Airport pages Dark Stranger live 1.4 min clip ↓
  30. Restaurant order with abusive language live 7.6 min clip ↓
  31. Repeated order with confusion and frustration live 6.2 min clip ↓
  32. Coffee shop order with bizarre instructions live 13.9 min clip ↓
  33. Juice shop order with confusion live 3.2 min clip ↓
  34. Starbucks order with bizarre request live 1.5 min clip ↓
  35. Safeway liquor store mistaken order live 1.8 min clip ↓
  36. Grocery store meat department order live 2.4 min clip ↓
  37. Golf course order with threats live 2.1 min clip ↓
  38. Call to Ralph Little John about order live 2.1 min clip ↓
  39. Best Buy automated line about camera piracy ivr 1.6 min clip ↓
  40. Cineplex Odeon movie line menu ivr 1.0 min clip ↓
  41. Southwark City West Hill birthday party line ivr 31 s clip ↓
  42. Call to Bhenchod for order with explicit content live 1.6 min clip ↓

Transcript

oh excuse me you don't have to use those languages you have no next father's day so i can give you
extra fathers you have five fathers if you buy five fathers i can give you two fathers extra
i'm sorry but i i've never done this as a general manager before but i'm not going to be able to
help you because of the way that you're speaking to me i command you to take the order i'm not
playing no fucking games i i fucked you son of a bitch stop making a stupid call you're out of
Your crazy mind.
You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.
I'll fuck you all night long.
You're not perfect.
Why don't you piss off?
You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.
On your way to the Kegley speaking to help you.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Sir?
Sir?
Dickhead.
Now tuned into the motherfucking greatest.
On the Kegley speaking.
Yeah, happy Canada Day to you too, motherfucker.
Fucking asshole.
Why'd you hang up the phone?
phone yeah i was just trying to be nice to say hey all excited because it's canada day i'm proud
to be a canadian motherfucker why'd you hang up the phone like that i can't really all you had
i kept trying to shut up i kept trying to say hello hello hello and you were there the whole
time what are you doing staring at the phone like a stupid monkey like a dumb fucking asshole monkey
a dumb fucking asshole monkey dumb fucking asshole stupid monkey oh my goodness you're
You're super upset, eh?
Eh.
Yeah, can I make reservations for dinner?
What time would you like to come in?
7 p.m., Canadian.
Canadian?
Mm-hmm.
I'm not sure if I can handle somebody with your attitude in my restaurant thing.
It's not your restaurant.
I'm the manager.
Yeah, but it's not your restaurant.
You're not the owner or the investor or anything like that.
No, but I'm trusted with managing it.
Not really.
You're not doing it right.
I've never actually had somebody call me a stupid asshole monkey on the phone before.
Asshole fucking stupid monkey.
You still...
That's why you can't...
It's true.
That's why you can't even say it right, you fucking dick.
And now I'm a fucking dick.
Yeah, how did Canada do in the World Cup?
They're not in it.
Oh, I was right that time, huh?
So, reservations for two at seven?
No knives or hot coffee, please?
I don't think so.
I command you.
You command me?
Yeah, I command you to put it in.
I order you, as a matter of fact.
I go one further.
I order and command you to do it, yeah.
Okay, that's excellent.
So, is it done?
Or do you not know how to write it down?
I don't know how to write it down.
Oh, can you put a man on the phone then?
A man?
Yeah.
I'm the only one here right now.
Can you put a real man on the phone?
No.
I'll take an inferior woman who doesn't have an attitude like you do.
I don't have an attitude.
You called me an asshole.
You hung up the phone on me, motherfucker!
You remember that part when you hung up the phone when I was just being nice saying,
Hey!
Like that?
Because you wouldn't talk to me.
So I hung up the phone.
I was like, hello, hello.
And you're sitting there with the phone in your hand.
And I hang up 20 seconds later.
That was you.
Why did it take you so long to hang up if you were going to hang up?
What did you do during those 20 seconds between when I kept saying hello, hello,
and you just stood there and then you finally hung it up?
It took you a while to hang it up, too.
Because every time I said hello, you said, hey.
Why was it so hard to hang up the phone, too?
Like it took you about five seconds to hang it up.
Yeah, it was super hard.
It was because the phone rattled a lot on the receiver, on the base.
It rattled a lot.
It rattled quite a bit, yeah.
Rattled.
At least three to five seconds.
Easily three to five seconds it rattled.
The phone rattled for three to five seconds?
Yeah, while you were trying to hang it up.
Yeah, it's really hard to hang up a phone.
Why was it so hard?
Is it out of reach for you?
Yeah, out of reach.
Yeah, you're pretty stupid.
You don't even know how to hang up a phone right?
Yeah.
You sit there, you stare at it for 20 seconds,
and then you struggle for five seconds trying to get it to hang up.
Yeah, it rattled.
Mm-hmm.
It's pretty sad.
And you're the manager?
Yeah.
Whose dick did you suck to become the manager?
Whoever I had to.
you yeah exactly exactly i command you to hang up the phone i order it do it fine all right we'll
stay here i'll stay here i don't care motherfucker but you're the one who's gonna hang up the phone
not me motherfucker here i transferred him to a hilton which means i'll probably just hang up on
him thank you for calling the hilton toronto you're over the hotel operator
good afternoon thank you for calling your beach get service hotline
Hey! Hey!
Stop doing that.
Thank you for calling Hilton Toronto.
Good afternoon. Thank you for calling Hilton Toronto. Hello?
Hey, how are you?
Good, thanks.
Why did you disconnect the call?
Well, we took serious calls.
I am a serious call.
Oh, I heard somebody screaming.
I was saying, hey, like that. Just trying to be nice.
And you were being mean and rude and hung up the phone on me. Disgusting.
Oh, so are you trying to make a reservation at the hotel?
Yeah, are you West Indian or something?
What does it matter?
Just to know what kind of mindset I'm dealing with.
Are you West Indian?
You are from the West Indies, aren't you?
Disgusting.
Anyway, can you guys disable the fire detectors on the third floor?
I'm going to be lighting off some fireworks here in a little bit for my kids and family.
Hello?
Tatuba?
Tatuba!
She was West Indian, I could tell.
Fuck them.
I ain't racist.
I just, I really don't get along with West Indian women.
They always, something about West Indian women,
women, they're always mean and nasty to me
for no reason. I try to be polite
to them and nice, and they're
just condescending and rude to me
about my weight and about me and the way
I talk and the way I act.
They're so fucking stuck up and snotty,
West Indian women, with their big
fucking asses and their laughing and their
attitude and their big fucking hair.
Mother Earth is pregnant
for the third time.
Y'all have knocked her.
I have tasted the maggots in the mind
of all of it all.
Thank you for calling Mark Breslin's Yuck Yucks.
Tuesday, July 1st, and we are out celebrating Canada Day.
Out.
The new Gravity Soundbar.
Just leave us a message and your call will be returned promptly.
Sounds like Tyler.
Tyler's doing voice acting on the side.
After McDonald's.
Yeah, hi, McDonald's in Toronto, Canada?
Yep.
Yeah, how much maple syrup do you guys have there for me to put in my coffee?
Yeah, how many things of maple syrup would you give me for each coffee?
Two or one?
Well, we can charge it.
It's not a sauce.
It's a condiment.
How much do you charge for sugar and cream?
You charge $0.10 for sugar and cream when I buy coffee?
On the side.
You motherfucker, you.
You're telling me if I order coffee, I have to pay extra for the condiments for it?
Besides, yeah.
You fucking asshole.
Do you have iced coffee?
How much are you charging extra for the milk and cream that's in that, motherfucker?
I'll take syrup, milk, milk, milk.
oh here we go well fuck you then i ain't paying the 10 cents i want to see a container of it i'm
taking it canada yeah i'm on vacation i'm on vacation for this no problem i'm on a vacation
for fourth of july american independence i came up here it's you guys you guys love america so
much you're celebrating it here three days early for us it's awesome yeah you guys you guys are
partying harder than we do this early i like to make an order what kind of order one coffee
kind of coffee hot coffee how'd you like it uh cooked hot brewed hot yeah we do have hot
with water how do you with coffee beans made with coffee grinds coffee grinded coffee beans
and hot water um you would rather come to the store and no no no no i can't leave no i'm sorry
but don't do delivery that's why well i'm gonna go pick it up i command you to do it
then come to the store because it doesn't take up no i'm sorry i'm not gonna do it
you heard that good good good hello yes yeah you're open today i can't hear you properly
can you direct again please you open today yeah yeah we are open oh why you stop
Stop talking.
What happened?
Hey, how are you?
Good.
Happy 1st of July.
Yay.
Hey, can I let off some fireworks in there in the parking lot for my family?
Where you want to do, sir?
Yeah, let off some fireworks.
Let off some fireworks for Canada Day.
I want to be like...
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Okay.
How much is your gasoline going for a gallon?
For a gallon, sir, I cannot calculate.
I command you.
I don't buy it by liter.
I buy it by the gallon only.
Oh, you buy gallon.
Gallon.
Gallon.
Yeah.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
Gallon will be, sir, $4.50.
That's pretty expensive.
All right, so I think one of those, and I'm going to do like a big circle on your parking lot with gasoline, with petrol, whatever you call it here.
Sure.
I'm going to make a big circle and a smiley face, and then I'm going to put...
Yeah, yeah, not a problem.
Yeah, and about a 50-pack of fireworks, and I'll put them all in the middle.
Perfect.
And then I'm going to throw a match in the middle.
Sounds like a blow, bro.
Yeah.
Would you like that?
Yeah, she is.
And then, do you have sister?
No.
Oh, do you have mother?
Not right now.
Oh, but maybe we will get your mother and I'll throw her in the middle of the fire.
Oh, is it?
And I'll say, burn in hell, stupid son of a whore, mother of a whore.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, mother of a bastard.
And then we'll get all five of your fathers and bring them and throw them in the fire, too.
Oh, come on, bro.
That's not right.
I did with your sister and mother like that.
You cannot do like that.
Yeah, well, that's why I'm going to fuck up.
up your mom and your five fathers i'm gonna burn them problem send them to hell hey are you
what is it are you what does it mean sister fucker oh is it yeah no i don't know how to do
oh i do oh you know i know you fuck your sister right yeah and i'm motherfucker i'm motherfucker
i fuck your mother too perfect bro yeah yeah and i'll do it while you're watching she's gonna put
two fingers on my asshole and i'm gonna be i'm gonna be like yeah i want you to fuck a pig
while I'm watching
and the pig's gonna
there's gonna be
pig vomit everywhere
and the pig's gonna
throw up
you're just gonna
talk on the phone
or you wanna do
yeah alright
I'll be right
when's your break
when's your break
motherfucker
yeah just do it
okay call your mother
to come down
and your five fathers
will be there
okay
sure
what time you gonna be here
one hour
call them now
call mother
no problem
call mother
yeah
no problem
call mother
yeah okay
alright thanks for your call sir
I love you
okay
perfect
perfect like like fucking uh street fighter perfect when gretzky is toronto am i speaking
oh my god did you hear when gretzky died oh yeah it's hilarious believe you yeah he was just in a
plane crash yeah you sure yeah yeah the plane fell over british columbia they're searching for the
plane wreckage now they're showing live video it's on the news tv you should change your television
uh channels to the news feed to like cnn or something but they're showing it now they
there's a helicopter going in circles and it shows the plane crash and the smoke coming out of it
and they're showing a picture they're showing a picture of wayne gretzky and it says uh whatever
year was born until 2014 it says i'm having a hard time believing that is it on the news on
yeah on the bottom it's this canada day tragedy yeah all right i'll keep you posted all right but
you should change those channels because it's if it's not on the news channel you're watching now
it should be coming on any second i'd imagine they're going to break into it okay all right
honey all right okay okay god bless you uh-huh bye okay bye bye oh my god hi hi i want to make
an order okay can i get a name for the order one oh my name is benjamin de salvatore what can i
get for you one coffee okay you can just order that when you come in coffee don't be snotty i
have more things motherfucker what else do you want you know you don't know what kind of coffee
i want though or how i want it okay what kind of coffee would you like uh one hot coffee with heat
Okay. Okay. Yep. Got it. All right. One salad. Uh, what kind of salad would you like? One main
salad, green, green, uh, salad with cold dressing, condiments, uh, some type of beans, nuts. Okay.
Like a masculine salad. Okay. Whatever you say. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Some mescaline. Um, anything
else? One dessert. Um, so what kind of dessert would you like? We have like cookies, brownies,
Both?
One sandwich.
Okay, what kind of sandwich would you like?
With bread.
Okay.
White or...
One meat.
Okay, we have lots of sandwiches with meat.
Okay, uh-huh.
So which sandwich would you like?
Meat and bread sandwich.
Okay, well, like, what kind of meat?
One wrap.
Okay, just one second.
Okay.
Yeah, I'm making an order.
What's the problem here, goddammit?
Sir, I'm not going to take your order if you're speaking to me like that.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Mr. Manager of Spot Coffee.
Oh, excuse me, Mr. Manager.
Yeah.
Sir, we're not making your order.
I command you.
I command you.
Sir, we're not taking your order.
Do it now.
One sandwich.
I will block your phone number.
I will report you.
I will report you.
Who are you going to report me to, sir?
To the Buffalo store.
To the Buffalo store.
I'll report you.
Sir?
I'm friends with...
Sir, you can go...
Sir?
By all means, go ahead and report us.
Sir?
Sir?
Sir?
Sir?
Sir?
By all means, go ahead and report us.
Mother...
Have a great day, okay?
Fucking asshole.
Sir?
Sir?
Hello?
Fucking asshole.
Spot on, this is Karen. Could you hold on for a moment?
No.
What can I do for you?
Well, I tried calling the Elmwood location to complain about the Toronto location on Bremmer Boulevard,
and they picked the phone up and hung it right up on me.
I'm very sorry about that.
So what's going on here?
Hold on one moment.
God damn it.
I'm sorry.
Can I direct you to our corporate office, which will be able to help you with the Toronto location?
Well, what's the deal? I was trying to make an order. Can you take my order then for me?
This is the location in Main Street and Williams.
Yeah, I know.
I'll pick it up.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
What can I get for you?
All right.
One sandwich.
Which kind of sandwich would you like?
With bread.
Kind of.
Did you want it like...
Meat.
Meat.
What kind of meat?
With meat.
Yeah.
Meat, bread, a dressing on it, cheese, some vegetables, and one bread on it, cut diagonally.
Yeah.
We have a whole array of sandwiches.
Okay.
I mean, we have, like, chicken cacha.
Yeah.
Which kind did you want?
We have a turkey.
We have roast beef.
Yeah, one meat.
I have a tuna.
One meat, yeah.
Well, did you want turkey or roast beef?
Well, you know, just the sandwich, whatever comes with the sandwich.
I'm very sorry.
We have a whole bunch of sandwiches.
Okay.
Great, great.
All right, one wrap?
Yeah.
You want a wrap into the sandwich?
No, I want a wrap on the side for the sandwich.
The sandwich is for me, and the wrap is for someone else.
One wrap with meat, cheese on it.
I'm really sorry.
What kind of wrap did you want?
We have a chicken feta wrap.
It should be in a white or wheat tortilla.
Okay, yeah.
That option comes with any of our wraps.
Great.
Okay.
All right.
And then one soup.
I'm very sorry.
I'm having a misunderstanding with you right now.
Is there a man I can talk to who can take the order who might not have problems understanding orders?
Let me direct you to our manager.
It'll be just a moment, please.
It is a man, right?
No, she is a lady, but she is very capable of handling her job.
That's unfortunate.
All right, well, she's the only manager we have right now.
Yeah, no, that's a pity.
Okay.
It'll be just a moment.
It's the best you can do.
Okay.
Can
i help you yeah i understand i know that you're not the
best case scenario here since you're a lady but the excuse me i know that you're not the best
case scenario here since you're not a lady but i think if i talk slow and condescending to you
might be able to understand my order sorry sir i don't understand why you're speaking to me like
that well i mean because i understand if you're a manager as long as your superiors are you know
good at what they do um you should you should be basically capable of doing stuff like handling
an order over the phone that means you're above the pack of most of the women workers there
So I think you should be able, if any woman is going to be able to take my order and help me, it's going to be you, right?
Yes, I am the general manager here.
Generally, yeah.
Okay.
That's nice, honey.
That's great.
Okay.
So can you take my order, please?
I'm sorry, sir.
Is there an issue because we're women that work here?
Are you having an issue with that?
Well, no, I was making an order and there was a woman that was taking my order and she didn't, because she's a woman,
and she probably didn't understand, like, how to process the order and write it down.
She kept asking a lot of questions.
Because there's a lot of questions that we have to ask with the order to get your order correct.
Yeah, but these were silly questions of hers, like, basic stuff she wasn't understanding.
Like, common sense, you know?
Can you explain to me what common sense that she was, what she was asking you?
Yeah, like, what kind of, what name of it.
She said that they all have this, that all.
she told me useless information like all the sandwiches have meat i mean obviously of course
all the sandwiches have meat i don't understand why she would even say something like that she's
like they all have bread and she said all the coffee here is made with water she was telling
me he's like i understand that she's being i think she's being kind of rude and condescending to me
because of my accent i think that might have been what it was but that's okay i'm sorry but i i've
I've never done this as a general manager before, but I'm not going to be able to help you because of the way that you're speaking to me.
I command you to take the order and help me.
I order you.
Please don't call back here.
Or what?
What's she going to do, call Susan B. Anthony?
Prime Canada, how may I help you?
Hey, how are you doing?
Hi.
Hi.
Yes, the tickets, what time are you open normal hours today, boy?
9 to 11.
Oh, 11 p.m. then, right?
That's correct.
Oh, fuck yeah.
All right, good deal.
and it's how much for adult admission?
$29.98.
It's not weird if a man comes in by himself, right?
Like, wouldn't he get giggled at or anything like that, right?
And I'm going to be bringing my baseball bat and my wheelchair.
I'm sure that's not a problem, right?
As long as you co-check them, yeah, that's fine.
What do you mean, co-check them?
Like, co-check the baseball bat?
No, I want to bring it in with me.
Yeah, you won't be allowed to do that.
Wow.
Sorry, why?
Why?
Because it's an aquarium.
There's fish tanks everywhere, sir.
Yeah, but it doesn't sound like I'm going to be attacking the fish tanks.
Unless I have, like, a seizure.
It happens sometimes.
Yeah, I mean, we don't know that for sure.
So we would get you to check the base level out if you wanted to bring that to the aquarium.
Okay, I have also one of those extendable batons.
But it's smaller than, like, my hand.
Do you have any reasonable questions, sir?
Yeah, because I want to protect myself.
From what, sir?
From the coloreds.
Okay, have a great day.
Okay, you too.
It's just, it's not the colored people.
It's the colors that give me seizures.
listen it's not colored people didn't mean it for it to sound like that it's actual colors
that give me like seizures and stuff like that i find that if i have something to protect myself
from the colors it does something in my subconscious where i don't actually
go into a seizure okay sir we still wouldn't let you bring like a weapon into the aquarium
Which is what you're requesting of me
Well it's actually a keychain
It's a keychain unless I expand it
It's a keychain
But when it comes out it's like a 10 pound
Long iron rod basically
That you can use to swing at stuff
Or swing at people to defend myself
And I swing at the
I swing at the
I'm going to hang up on you
I've already said no
To bringing a weapon into the aquarium
Do you have any other questions
Can I touch the glass on my hands
Yes sir
Okay. All right. Good, good, good.
Is there a limit to how long I can hold my hands up to the glass?
No, sir. Not that I know of.
Okay. What about my shoes? Can I wear those?
Yes, sir.
Okay. Now, I'm sure kicking at the aquarium is frowned upon, correct?
That's correct, sir.
But nothing that would keep me from wearing, let's say, like really hard-toed shoes or anything like that?
No, sir. Not that I know of.
Okay. I drive a motorcycle. Do you have special motorcycle parking?
No, sir, we do not. There's parking in the area that's closest to the Metrotronic Convention Center.
Okay, and then I always bring in my motorcycle helmet. I usually wear it while I'm indoors and everything.
Yeah, that's okay.
I can wear the motorcycle helmet indoors?
I see no issue with that, sir.
Okay, and then, so then what I could actually do instead of bringing anything in, I can just like kind of get in a football position and do like a crouching start and then run head first into things? That's an option.
Sir, I don't understand the nature of your call.
Well, I want to see if I can run ahead first.
You want to break things at the aquarium is what you're telling me.
No, I want to run into things with my head wearing a motorcycle helmet
coming out of a three-point football stand.
We won't let you do that here, sir.
But I'll be able to get a few hits in.
Sir, I'm not paid enough to actually care about this call right now
if you're just going to be trying to joke with me.
What was your name then?
So I'll make sure you're the guy that lets me in on everything.
My name is Andrew.
And by law, you have to let me bring in my service horse, also.
I have a service horse.
Okay, sir.
Yeah.
It assists me with stuff.
I ride the service horse, so I don't have to use my feet so much.
When I'm inside, it goes inside, and it just clops here and there, and it poops and stuff like that.
Okay.
Can my horse drink out of the fish tanks at all, the aquarium tanks?
Sir, I don't know how funny you think you are, but you're not very funny at all.
You don't think I'm funny, motherfucker?
Well, I think I'm funny, and there's a lot of people who think I'm funny, asshole.
That's good, sir.
Okay, who talked to you? Cracker? Is that who talked to you?
Was it Cracker that talked to you? Who was it?
No sir, I have another call.
Who told you to say I'm not funny? Cracker or KDK? Who was it?
Motherfucker.
Thanks a lot, Cracker!
I don't get paid enough to care about this phone call.
He's honest. He's an honest cat.
Yeah, I need one.
You need a what?
Which one is that?
Uh, with bread meats.
This is a Subway.
Yeah, I'm ordering one sandwich.
Oh, okay.
Mm-hmm.
You're gonna pick up?
Yeah.
Okay, sure.
Which one do you need?
With meat.
Yeah, what kind of meat?
Yeah, cold meat.
One second.
Okay.
So, cold meat?
Mm-hmm.
We have turkey.
No, I don't need any upgrades.
I don't need double meat or cheese or anything like that.
No, which...
No.
You said cold meat, right?
Yeah, okay, that's it.
Thank you.
One bread.
One second.
Cold meat.
We have a lot.
We have different kind of cold meat.
You have to choose first.
You have broken English, right?
You order cold food right?
I order cold food?
I said what kind of sandwich?
Yeah I order...
Which one?
One second okay?
Okay
I order sandwich
Yeah I'm already can order please
Yes
One sandwich?
Yep
Okay
How much?
Which sandwich sir?
With cold meat
Okay cold cut?
No just meat
Meat right?
Uh huh
With which meat sir?
With bread, meat, cold meat
One meat and one dressing, one cheese.
Yep, and what kind of meat, sir?
One greens.
Like turkey, ham?
No, I don't want any upgrades.
I don't want double meat or double cheese or toasted, nothing like that.
Just a sandwich, please. Thank you.
Okay, it would be $9.60 total.
Okay.
You didn't ask what I wanted on it.
You want in half?
No, you didn't ask what I wanted on it.
What kind of meat?
Okay, and I told you, yeah, one cold meat.
But which cold?
Cold, cold.
C-O-L-D, right?
yeah very good but because we got a variety of course like turkey no i don't want any upgrades
i don't need any double meat like you're saying no i don't need that i don't want it's too much
money for extra stuff like that no okay no problem okay one but sorry we don't do any
cool stuff sir okay one bhenchod okay one madarchod okay yeah hep yeah i want your sister okay
put sister back on food right yeah i'll put sister back on foot so i can chudi chudi her
Yeah
Chudi chudi sister
Oh yeah
Sister make sandwich
And I chudi chudi you
While you make sandwich
Oh yeah
That's you
Oh sister
No problem
I just got your number
I'm just calling to the 911
And just giving your number
Oh tell them you chud sister
Yeah
Tell to your mother right
And tell to your sister
Okay
Motherfucker
Yeah
Yeah
Oh he understood that one
Take your call
Yes I need five spaces up here
Immediately
Sorry, five spaces?
Mm-hmm, and we need to discontinue the fire service, the fire alarm, and the water sprinklers.
If you could turn them off on the third floor.
I'm sorry, I don't understand.
I need you to turn off the fire system, fire suppression,
because I'm going to be lighting off some fireworks for 1st of July.
You're calling to the hotel?
Yeah, I'm inside the hotel. I'm going to light off some fireworks.
Okay, you're going to light up fireworks in the building?
Inside the elevator.
Inside the elevator?
Yeah.
Thank you.
Hello, this is Jill. How may I help you?
Hey!
Hello?
Hey, is this stupid Japanese people food?
Yes, Japanese food. Japanese and Korean food.
Stupid Japanese Korean food.
Okay, I want to make an order. Want kimchi?
Kimchi?
Yeah, how long after I eat the kimchi until I take a shit in the toilet?
Toilet?
In the toilet.
Toilet.
Uh-huh.
This one?
Yeah.
Kimchi.
Kimchi in the toilet. Shit in the toilet?
uh do you want to pick up yeah yeah i'm gonna pick up i'm gonna shit in the toilet after i
eat it okay yeah uh maybe kimchi five minutes well yeah it takes five minutes after i eat the
kimchi to take a shit i don't know how long it take uh maybe just kimchi yeah five minutes
in five minutes i'll take a shit in the toilet i'm gonna i'm gonna eat it in your toilet in
In toilet?
Yeah.
In your house?
No, your house.
Your restaurant.
Your restaurant.
No, no, no, no.
Yeah.
You can't eat in the toilet.
Yeah, I want to eat in the toilet.
I want to eat kimchi in the toilet.
No, you cannot.
You come with me.
Come into the toilet with me and eat with me.
I will take off my clothes and you take off your clothes.
And I eat in the toilet.
Oh, no.
Come on.
And then I fuck you.
I fuck you.
You like fuck?
Huh?
No.
You don't like fuck?
You like to make fuck?
You like make fuck?
Do you want to pick up or not?
Yeah, I want to pick you up and chod.
I want to chod you.
No, no, not me.
Yeah, you.
I want to pick up you.
No, come on.
I want to pick up you, yeah.
Sorry.
Yeah.
You don't want to order?
You have sexy hair, sexy body?
No.
Uh-huh.
No.
For calling Medieval Time, dinner in Tartarus.
Your call may be monitored or recorded for quality and training purposes only.
We appreciate your call.
Thank you for calling the People Times.
This is Wendy.
I don't know who that yellow frickin' knight is,
but I was over there doing the show thing over there,
eating the food with my wife and watching the show,
and that yellow knight motherfucker, you know who that is?
Unfortunately, we have nine castles, so you've called the national college.
Yeah, well, he, great, great, because he threw a rose at my wife
and was like, you have a sexy body, sexy hair, he said to my wife and everything.
And then he was fighting and he won the whole thing and he kept looking at my wife
and he was like doing his hips going back and forth while he made two fists with his hands
and he was going back and forth with the hands and going back and forth with his hips like that.
Like he was doing that.
Which castle did you go to?
The one in Toronto.
Okay, so the one in Toronto, you're going to want to talk to our human resources.
yeah who's that i'm gonna kick i'm gonna kick the shit out motherfuckers what i'm gonna do
absolutely you know what i'm i'm liable you know what i'm gonna do you want those motherfuckers
you guys sell those uh swords there right you know what i'm gonna do absolutely i'm gonna buy
tickets for the next show and i'm gonna be sitting there eating and i'm gonna buy a sword i'm gonna
be sitting there eating the chicken with my hands and i'm gonna stand up and yell really loud with
a megaphone i am the next challenger and i'm gonna jump onto the arena floor and i'm gonna
I'm going to slap him in the face with an iron glove and challenge him to a duel.
And I'm going to fight him to a duel with the sword.
And at the end, I'm going to make him kneel in front of me.
And then I'm going to make him perform oral sex on me in front of all the people there, all the families on vacation and everything.
Well, unfortunately, it doesn't sound like something that probably your wife would enjoy.
And, of course, the security would probably have something to do with that.
What does that mean, motherfucker?
That just means that you would have to talk with somebody in the human resources department at that castle.
Are you some kind of PR?
Are you some kind of communications major PR bitch?
I may or may not be, but unfortunately, I cannot answer that question for you.
Fucking asshole.
I command you to transfer me.
Absolutely.
Sure.
Just one moment.
Thank you for calling Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament.
Celebrating 30 years of great family entertainment.
Interested in booking your tickets online?
It's safe, it's fast, and it's easy.
Visit our website at www.medievaltimes.com and purchase your tickets now.
Don't forget to ask about enhancing your Medieval Times experience by purchasing exclusive upgrades,
like the King's Royalty and the Celebration Package.
Ask your operator for details.
At Medieval Times, you'll be served a feast fit for a...
Via IP office.
Tamara.
Tamara is not available.
Delete the message.
Wait for the tone.
Tamara.
Evil Time, dinner in total.
Your call may be audited or recorded for quality at trade.
We're calling you at Evil Time.
This is the maiden of the castle, Eva.
How may I be of your service?
I'm very upset at you people right now.
How can I assist you, my lord?
I've never seen the worst display ever at a dinner theater show.
It was dishonest
And it was slapped in the face
To me and my family
That had to pay money to go watch this crap
Okay, for which castle location
So I could direct your call?
In Toronto
Listen, the Green Knight, he cheated
The whole time
He was cheating the whole tournament
Okay
He won and he cheated
He won and he cheated
Okay, and I apologize for that
The shells are pre-practiced prior to the show time.
What are you talking about?
I could direct your call and...
Do you mean the tournament wasn't even real?
The tournament, the fight while they practice, they do get hurt, but it's an act.
You mean that wasn't a legitimate tournament to the death that I just watched?
It's a show, my lord. It's a show.
Oh my goodness.
How can I assist you besides that?
Well, the bartender at the castle, he said he was gambling with me.
He said that he had inside information that the Green Knight was going to lose.
So I bet $100 with one of the bartenders that works at Medieval Times.
Okay, unfortunately, I cannot help you with this.
And then I went back.
I lost.
I lost $100 on the bet.
And when I asked the other guy, I said, I thought you had inside information.
He's like, no, the Green Knight cheated the whole time.
That's why.
Yeah.
He said the Green Knight cheated the whole tournament.
I'm taking it serious like wrestling.
You think there's some whacked out of his mind fucking person who is an adult
and thinks that shit in medieval times was real?
He's probably really into wrestling, too.
Probably MST3 Clay.
I bet you MST3 Clay would go to Medieval Times and be like,
You're fucking cheating!
He would gamble.
Oh, shit.
Who believes that?
I got inside information.
The Blue Knight's going to win tonight.
You're calling me her lord, my lord.
I'm sorry, my lord.
They got to talk to people in that Medieval Times bullshit just like they do when you go there?
Fuck me.
Toria Theater, this is Kenya. How can I help you?
Oh, are you colored?
Excuse me?
Are you colored?
I'm sorry?
Are you colored?
I'm not understanding you.
Colored.
Colored.
What is colored?
Like, do you have a skin problem?
No, I do not.
Hmm.
Okay.
I could have sworn with a name like that.
Uh, yeah, I was curious about renting out your facilities there.
Okay, one moment, please.
God damn it.
I didn't like that idea.
Fuck it.
Good afternoon, missionaries of the Precious Blood.
Yeah, hi.
Precious Blood?
Yes.
Do you have get-togethers there?
No.
What is it regarding?
Regarding the precious blood.
Okay.
I don't know what you're interested in.
The society gets together occasionally, right?
Yes.
Okay.
When is that meeting next happening?
I don't know.
I don't know.
What kind of a meeting are you interested in?
Well, whenever the planning happens.
The planning for?
Or the prayers or the rituals, you know, where you get the blood and you put it all.
I want the blood on me and over me and inside of me.
Well, you know, we don't have time for this nonsense.
I want to put the precious blood of God in me.
Good afternoon, missionaries of the precious blood.
I want the precious blood of Jesus inside of me.
Well, I don't know what.
Perhaps you should talk to your local pastor.
He might be able to help you.
Yeah, because then I can masturbate while the blood is in me while I'm drinking it.
Oh, shit.
My mom would kill me for doing this if she was alive and around and listening.
Good afternoon, St. Joseph's Church.
May I help you?
Yes, God bless you.
You too.
Oh, good.
I want the precious blood of Jesus Christ inside of me.
Well, you have to go to church for that.
I know.
I want to have it inside of me, and I want it to give me its strength and its powers.
Right?
You know when you have the strength of God's power and Jesus' powers inside you
and it comes out of your hands and everything?
Yeah, and I want to, like, put my hands out at people and go, like that,
and Jesus' power comes out and knocks them over.
Yeah.
And then I'll get an erection from Jesus' power inside of me and ejaculate.
Quick on the draw, those churchers.
Yeah, hi.
Hi, I have a question about your office furniture here.
I guess it got delivered by you people here, some of these chairs, the ones that have...
Okay, who is your salesperson?
What?
Who is your salesperson?
Shut up.
What do you mean?
Who is your salesperson?
United Machines.
Okay, let me see who is your salesperson so I can get you...
Oh, his name is Al.
Okay, Al's in a meeting.
Okay.
Let me see if someone...
Was something delivered wrong?
Well, we're trying to figure...
It's a piece of crap.
So we're trying to figure out how much gasoline we need on each one to burn it.
For APG office furnishings, okay?
Do you want me to leave him a message?
No, we want these answers now.
I have the can of gasoline now.
We put all the furniture outside, and we're going to burn them one by one
until he gets his ass over here to fix the problem.
Your name, sir?
Al.
Your name is Al?
Yeah, last name is Abia.
And you're calling from where, Mr. Abia?
Al Abia.
Come on, I will need you to get Al out of that meeting
and on the phone with me now
or there's going to be trouble.
Just a moment.
Or if you can continue to hold,
I'm trying to get someone on the phone for you.
It must take you so long to get motherfucker on the phone.
You are Al-Avia?
Yeah.
And that is the name of your company?
Al-Avia and Associates.
Thank you.
Is she saying really he's from Al-Avia and Associates?
Great.
Al-Avia and Associates.
Oh, God.
it sounds like a like a saudi arabian company alabia and our associate what number are you
calling from please hello what number are you calling from please from
come on i don't want to give a number out motherfucker i don't have a number oh my god
Oh, my God.
Thanks
want to make an order all right one spaghetti one spaghettis spaghetti with meat sauce uh boiled
okay what do you like super salad with meat yeah okay and what do you like a super salad with that
One salad.
Okay.
Okay.
What kind of dressing?
One salty dressing.
Say it again.
One sister.
Sorry, I don't know.
One sister.
What is that?
We have French ranch house dressing.
What's French?
I'll take French.
Okay.
All right, sir.
It comes with sourdough bread, if that's all right.
Shove it up your ass.
I don't want it.
Okay.
No, shove it up your ass.
Do I have a name for that under?
Huh?
Do I have a name for that under?
Alabia.
Alabia?
Abia.
Avia?
Yeah.
Can you spell it for me?
First name L, last name A-B-I-A.
A-V-I-A.
A-B as in boy, I-A.
Okay.
All right, sir, I'll be ready for you in about ten minutes.
Thank you, buddy.
You're welcome.
Whatever, I need to take a break because I'm losing powers,
and I've got to run some laundry, so it's going to be a long break.
It's going to be a long break, but I'll be back and I'll do a few more hours.
Here are some Guns N' Roses on 98.6 The Mail.
Be sure to online at madhouselive.com.
Yes, it's a long line at 10 seconds.
Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.
You A.L.C.?
What's up, my man?
Salaam alaikum, my brother.
What's up, man?
I want to join y'all.
What I got to do, man?
I got my beret, man.
I got my beans.
Hey, you need to get over here.
I'm ready.
Get over here, like, quick.
You know what I'm saying?
You know what I'm saying?
I'm talking about that black pow, man.
You know what I'm saying?
Marching, marching up, man, come on.
Shit, I'm going to get in one of those stop lines.
Hey, stop the yard.
Stop the yard.
Yeah.
What's up, man?
Tell me something.
So tell me something.
Preach on me.
Preach on you?
Well, now.
Yeah.
We, as a people, you know, first I need you to start with, you know, repeat after me.
Uh-uh.
Say, I am somebody.
Am somebody.
That's what I'm talking about.
I am somebody.
Somebody.
I know.
I feel you.
I am somebody, you know what I'm saying?
I always felt that, you know what I'm saying?
I've been telling everybody that last week.
Oh, yes, sir, my friend.
All right, so what else I got to do?
What's step number two?
Oh, step number two.
Oh, wow.
All right, it's pretty late here.
Okay, well, hold on a second, man.
I got somebody who wants to talk to you real quick.
All right, I'm on, man.
I will be on their way here.
Hold on a second, hold on a second.
Yes, sir.
Wow.
Well, wow, very good.
all right righty then then wow now righty then yes sir very good mr mr devil it was
mr white devil very good all right yes very informative and thank you for that
bit of information sir well now if you spoke a little clearer i might be under
to be able to understand all that.
Let me clear the thunder out.
Hold on a second.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
Now, loud and clear, Mr. White Devil, it was.
Going to have a neck.
Is it rap music?
A diamond you can what?
A diamond you can rebase.
Whoa.
By the way, Gabe Richard.
Wow.
What a bargain.
Yes.
What a.
Like a buddy.
What a bargain.
Man.
Yes, he locked it.
Now, listen.
I must be right now.
Yes, sir.
I am going to hang out with Colin Powell
and take care of the rest of the soul.
Hey, handle your business.
Handle your business.
And by the way, you're doing a great job.
All right.
Thank you very much.
I'm very proud.
Yes, thank you.
And the next thing I'm going to do, I'm going to a bitty ditty.
Yes, very good.
All righty then.
All right.
Well, you have a good night.
If you ever want to sell to the white devil, he'll be right there.
We are.
Okey-dokey, white devil.
Goodbye, my son.
I'm not your son, but, hey, peace out.
I'll add my son because I'm here.
Very good.
All right.
I'm done.
Devil.
Five.
You know what?
I hope that when you die, put your GPS in your box, door at the bottom.
So when you die, you open that trap door at the bottom.
You check the GPS, and you go straight down to the hell.
House Radio is back.
You are bigger than a woman.
You are better than a woman.
We'll always be behind you.
Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.
Thank you for calling Spitty Warehouse.
Pat, how may I help you?
Yeah, I had a call earlier for that order.
Yeah.
Yeah, is that ready yet?
Yeah, it's ready.
Go ahead and cancel that.
I don't like spaghetti.
All right.
Okay?
I don't like spaghetti, so you can go ahead and cancel that.
All right, thank you.
Bye.
All right, thanks, bye.
Yeah, see, I canceled it.
I'm calling from the neighborhood of Brown Creek.
This is Tara Seagate.
Hello.
How may I help you?
Yeah, I'd like to make an order.
Okay.
Is it a catering order or a pickup order?
A pickup order.
Hello?
Hello?
Hey, give me one second, please.
Hurry up.
For holding this, Dwayne, how can I help you?
Yeah, I need to make an order.
Want a sandwich?
Okay, what sandwich?
With bread.
Okay, what type of bread would you like?
Yeah, one sandwich with bread.
Hello?
Yeah, I'm here.
Yeah, one meat.
Okay, what type of meat?
The cold meat.
Okay, we have ham, turkey.
No, no upgrades, nothing like that.
Just cold meat.
Okay, if you go online, you can see our...
No, no, no, no upgrades.
No, thank you.
All right, then.
I can't afford the upgrades.
I just want to get the regular thing.
Me, me, me, me, me, me.
Red Brown Street.
What was that about?
What was what about?
You hung up on me.
Did you decide what type of meat and bread you wanted?
Yeah, a cold meat, one white bread.
Okay, what type of meat, ham or turkey?
Pork.
We do not carry pork.
Oh, I guess turkey, then, because you don't have ham.
I said we had ham.
I said pork, and you said we don't have pork.
Okay, what do you want on your pork sandwich on white bread?
Dressing.
What type of dressing?
Cold dressing.
All our dressings are served cold.
All right, one coffee.
Okay, what flavor?
Hot coffee with water, brewed hot with water.
Okay, what else?
A container.
All right, do you want a small or a large coffee?
A large is fine.
All right, can you hold on a minute, and I'll get somebody else to help you with this, okay?
No.
Thanks for holding this, Matt. How can I help you?
Hey, I was just talking to you.
All right, so what's the total?
What was the order again?
Wine sandwich.
Some peanuts?
No.
Which sandwich was it again?
With meat.
Which kind of meat?
Cold meat.
The cold meat?
Mm-hmm.
We only sell warm meat here, though.
Okay.
All right, we'll do that, then.
Sometimes we sell lukewarm.
Okay, fine, whatever.
Okay.
All right.
One bread.
We actually don't have bread here.
Okay.
You don't have bread at Panera?
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, asshole.
Okay.
All right, motherfucker.
Labia.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Bitch.
bitch woman what else you got some of my bitch yeah is this making you happy yeah i'll tell you
what one bread i'm gonna pray for you tonight okay oh that's my line no i say that a lot to
people when i argue people at work i get into arguments and i yell at my co-workers and i say
that about them i say that to them really loud yeah i did it to doug doug at work i yelled at
doug at work and i said i was gonna pray for him i'm gonna do the same for you how about that okay
Okay, all right.
It will be better, and we'll be able to get that cookie sandwich.
I command you to, I don't know, I didn't say cookie,
but I command you to hang up the phone.
I command you.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, I have Jesus' precious blood inside of me.
You have Jesus' precious blood inside of you?
Mm-hmm.
Somehow I'm skeptical of that.
No, I do, I do.
Is there a way that you can quantify or prove that?
There's not really a test, but I know I feel it inside of me.
I'm happy.
I have Jesus' joy.
I pray to him every night.
That's good.
Yeah.
Well, maybe you should cut down on the curse words, because Jesus doesn't like those.
They're said with anger.
Labia?
Yeah.
Like labia?
No, the prince of Arabia.
Okay.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha.
Prince of Arabia.
Ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Pastor Boy.
Yeah, hey, boy, how you doing?
God bless you.
Hey, I'm doing good.
Who am I speaking to?
Oh, my name is Benny.
How can I help you, brother?
I'm here for the next four months on a work contract.
I'm from New York.
So I wanted to see about coming in.
I want to have Jesus' sacred holy blood inside of me.
Okay.
And I want to have Jesus' power and strength inside of me.
Right.
So I can tell the devil no.
Right.
And I can throw things.
Well, you come preaching.
I'm going to be preaching.
I'm going to be preaching on power.
A motherfucker.
Huh?
And I want to throw things at people.
You know, with Jesus' power, I want to make things go across the room.
You know, Jesus Christ will definitely give you power to be victorious.
Yeah.
I mean, going across the room is not really going to profit him any.
He wants you to impact people's lives.
Well, that'll impact.
Yeah, transforming agents.
Well, if he makes, like, horns grow out of my head and my eyes burn red and I'll jump on a motorcycle
and I'll jump off a bridge on my motorcycle and I survive, I think a lot of people will be moved.
And when I'm done, I'll be like, Jesus' power and holy blood made me do this, and it worked.
Well, let me tell you something.
Motherfuckers.
There's a story in the Bible about a man who went to hell and said,
Jesus, if you will let me go back and tell my brothers, they'll believe me.
And Jesus told him that if I let you come back and tell your brothers, they won't believe me.
They didn't believe the word of God.
They didn't believe the prophets.
They didn't believe what I've written to them.
And, you know, it's not through a bunch of signs and wonders that people believe.
It's through transformed, changed lives in Christ.
Yeah, but I'll be a changed man because I'll probably have, like, all these spirits, like, guiding me when I jump off the bridge.
And I'll come back and I'll have horns and a tail and red eyes.
But God doesn't want you to jump off the bridge.
Oh, okay.
God wants you to do something even bigger than that.
Oh, can he make me fart like a fire out of my ass?
No.
No, that's not a big deal to Jesus.
Oh, but Satan can do that for me, right?
What he wants you to do is impact people's lives and change people.
You know, if you fart, people are just going to be turned off from you.
Yeah, but a lot of people...
If you've got a life that's changed, they will just...
I mean, people are looking for changed lives.
Well, he's going about it all wrong.
He's going about it all wrong.
If he wants to get people to see what's what, then they'll let him do...
He should let me do magic tricks like David Blaine.
no no no yeah i'd be like god doesn't want to do that you know what jesus says jesus says that
people who seek jesus said are are an evil generation that's what jesus says jesus wants
to change our lives and to change lives it changes other people's lives what the bible says that
people who seek us after signs and wonders jesus said are an evil generation what what jesus wants
What he wants to do is change our lives so we can change other people's lives.
He wants to make a difference in you so you can make a difference in other people's lives.
Well, he's taking his time because I've been sitting here with fish sticks trying to make them multiply into more fish sticks and it never happens.
You don't.
God's not interested in those things.
Well, I'm trying right now.
Look, look, look.
He is interested in you changing lives.
See, there's still five fish sticks here.
Watch.
Nothing.
You know what, brother?
But the Bible said that Jesus' power makes the fish be multiplied in the bread.
And I've got five frozen fish sticks here, and I've got two leftover pieces of bread.
And look, watch.
See?
No more.
There's still five pieces.
There's still just five pieces.
He's interested in changing people's lives.
and i think you you know for you i think your reading of the bible is is just about jesus
meeting your needs it's not about it's not about you need to be thankful for the five sticks you
have if you'll be thankful what you have god will give you more of what you don't well i i can't
stand fish or fish sticks these have been in my freezer for about five months so it's not for me
it's just to show that it's that I've got Jesus power watch no no I I think
you've got it all wrong about what Jesus wants out of your life how long do I
have to multiply your fish sticks Jesus wants to change your life so you can
change other people's lives how long do I have to pray for the fish sticks to
multiply into you're not hearing me did God's not interested in those fish
fish sticks he said you know what Jesus interesting you know when Jesus talks
about fish he's talking about fishing for men he says that god yeah that's what i'm talking about
reaching people not and touching them right well jesus you touch people's lives not by physically
touching them but by impacting them through your life oh man you know you know the you know that
trail on the miami river the great the recreational trail yeah there's a lot of uh i do some fishing
there for men all the time i'm not talking about fishing for literal fish i'm talking about
reaching for cheese yeah I know I know what if you talk about fish sticks people
think you're crazy people want to know what you can do for their life but it's
finished and transform their life look this is the only all fish is processed
now if you can get a fish out of the ocean it's been processed already I mean
good luck finding an authentic fish these days I think you're I think you're
taking I think when you read the Bible you need to understand what Jesus really
saying. You're talking about more than
just literal fishing out of seas
and oceans. I have a doctorate
degree in theology. Okay, well
and I read the Bible.
You know, people like you are the ones that try to
keep the Bible away from the simple people
back in the medieval ages
and you can't hold it back
because, yes you are.
Then why
are you saying that you have
a doctorate? You have to have a doctorate to understand
what I'm reading.
I don't say you have to have a doctorate.
What I'm trying to tell you is that you're not reading the Bible correctly.
The Bible is about people, not about frozen fish sticks.
Well, in the Bible, Jesus said he was going to make them fishers of men, right?
That's right.
So I go down to the nature trail, and I met a bunch of men.
Like, you hang out in the woods, and one of them comes by, and you pull your pants down a little bit.
and you have relations in the woods and everything,
and that did nothing.
Oh, no, that's wrong.
Well, that's fishing for men.
Well, I looked it up.
I put in Dayton, Ohio, fishing for men,
and that's what came up is that the men go there
and they call it fishing is when you go out
and you look for another man to be with.
Oh, no.
You know what, brother?
You've got it all wrong.
But the Bible says this.
And how it was an abomination unto Jesus, you know,
to God, a sodomy, homosexuality is an abomination.
But God came not to condemn us, but to love us and to change our lives so we can be what
God wants us to be.
Well, I made a mistake then.
I thought I was getting closer to God and Jesus by doing this in the woods.
No.
No, that's sin.
Homosexuality is sin.
Because you remember, that's why God brought judgment on Sodom and Gomorrah, because of
their sodomy, their sin.
Oh, there's no proof of that.
That was before Jesus' time.
I'm a Christian.
Oh, yeah, there's people like that.
I don't believe in that.
I'm a Christian.
He didn't talk about Sodom and Gomorrah.
No.
No, he didn't.
Oh, yeah.
No.
Yeah, he didn't.
Jesus never talked about Sodom and Gomorrah.
He talked about how that man had been depraved and how that man has fallen from him and even
from Adam that sin passed upon all men.
Yeah, that's what he talked about.
He didn't talk about being gay.
He didn't talk about being gay.
He says, Jesus said all Scripture.
He's talking about all Scripture is given by inspiration of God.
No, he didn't.
No, he didn't.
No, he didn't.
In the Old Testament, Paul did.
Nuh-uh.
Paul did, not Jesus.
Paul isn't Jesus.
Paul was just some guy.
Well, brother, you need to take the whole word at its, you know, you got to remember, God inspired all the Scripture.
Well, look, I found out that the Old Testament is actually the Jewish Bible,
and I don't believe a word that's in that thing.
I just believe the New Testament.
Why did people talk about all the Old Testament prophecies?
No.
Yeah, because they twisted the words.
Why did people talk about Jonah?
Because the devil's a snake.
The devil's a snake, and he put his words in there.
You know what, brother?
You've got to take all the word.
Even Jesus talked about the Old Testament.
A lot of the prophecies of Jesus is found in the Old Testament.
You know, I think you need to re-examine some things.
The devil probably put those words in there.
You know when Jesus was in the desert?
You know when Jesus was in the desert?
Jesus was in the desert.
You need to stop being an interpreter of the Bible.
You're not smart enough to be an interpreter of the Bible.
Oh, because I don't have a doctorate.
I don't have a doctorate.
No, no.
You didn't hear me.
You're not smart enough to be an interpreter of the Bible.
Neither am I.
See, you didn't hear that.
I said that.
You know, I don't know where you're at.
You're way out there.
I didn't hear you say slavery is an abomination.
Let me tell you something.
All Scripture is inspired by God, the Bible says.
Even the part about slavery?
Even the part about slavery being okay?
Let me tell you something.
Slavery has always been a part of humanity.
God never agreed with that to begin with.
All right.
Well, so homosexuality has always been a part.
He had to tell, but he had to tell, even Paul said, whether you're bond or whether you're free,
whether you're black or white, whether, you know, whoever you are, we're all one in Jesus Christ.
But I don't know where you're at, but you're argumentative about the Bible.
You know, the Bible, the Old Testament, New Testament, is God's Word.
And, you know, Jesus was a fulfillment of all the Old Testament prophecies.
How big was Jesus' penis?
Huh?
How big was Jesus' penis?
Because he had a penis, right?
I don't know.
I don't know where you're coming from.
But, I mean, he had a penis like every man, right?
Like, did he poop and pee and everything like everyone else?
He was a human being.
So he took a big shit and everything all the time?
Well, why do you want to talk about that?
That's not even why Jesus Christ came.
He probably farted.
He was a 100% man.
So he probably farted and thought it was funny sometimes, right?
Why do you focus on that?
Because that's not even what Jesus came to focus on.
He came to save that which is law.
He was a man.
He was a man.
He probably laughed when people farted, and he laughed when people fell down on accident.
You know what?
I don't know what Jesus did, but I'm sure that he didn't humiliate people.
No, of course not.
I mean, you have to laugh.
I think he loved people.
You know, one time I came around the corner, and I scared my mom, and she screamed.
And in the end, we all had a laugh.
I understand Jesus wasn't going to have a great time.
I think Jesus had a great time, but I don't think his life was about farting and pooping.
I don't know where your mind's at right now.
I'll tell you the one thing, like what Jesus was all about.
He tells us in Luke 19.10, he came to seek and save that which is lost.
Oh, man. Really?
He came to suffer and die for our sin.
Yeah.
The Bible says, for he who knew no sin, talking about Jesus,
So he probably, he farted when he died
because most people fart and release their bowels and urine when they die.
Why are you worried about that?
He probably did on the cross.
I know, but you know how there was an earthquake and all that?
Why do you want to emphasize the humiliation, Jesus?
He was humiliated for you and me.
But you know how there was an earthquake.
He was not a homosexual.
No, no.
No. Well, he probably had an erection when he died, too, because that happens, too, they say.
No, you know what?
It does.
I think you're focusing on the sexual side.
No, farts are not sexual.
It's all spiritual.
Hey, there was an earthquake. There was an earthquake.
There was an earthquake when Jesus died, right?
Well, sure there was.
Well, maybe it was like his fart, you know, that did it?
No.
His final fart?
What?
You know what?
I don't know what your purpose is calling me, but I'm not talking about Jesus' farting.
I'm going to talk about Jesus' saving.
And you've got this mindset that it's not what the Bible talks about.
The Bible doesn't talk about Jesus' farting.
The Bible talks about Jesus shedding his blood for us, dying for our sins.
And I think that when you put your mind off of what Jesus Christ came to do and add things to it,
I think that's the devil trying to get you to think about farting and things like that.
Why would you think about that?
But everyone farts.
Jesus did, too.
Why is wrong with that?
What's so dirty about that?
Because it's not etiquette to fart around people, I don't think.
He wasn't around people.
Maybe he was in the bathroom pooping.
I think Jesus was a man who had etiquette, who had morals, who didn't sin.
Jesus was a man.
He didn't emphasize farting.
Why did he emphasize farting?
But he had bowel movements, and he had to sometimes...
Well, sure he did.
He was a man like us.
But why are you emphasizing all that?
So do you think it smelled bad when he had a bowel movement?
You know what?
What?
You know what?
Let me tell you something.
What, what?
I don't know where you're coming from, but this is not what the Bible talks about Jesus doing.
Okay.
It's not about that.
Why do you emphasize that?
That's not why Jesus Christ came.
Okay.
He came to suffer and die for all of us.
Well, I mean, I was born to do things also, like get married and have children and all that stuff.
but I also did some farting and joking around
and I scared my mom once
and I pulled my dad's pants down once
when he was holding a coffee pot
and his penis came out and everything.
Do you think that's appropriate?
It was a joke.
We all had a laugh afterwards.
That was appropriate.
Um, no, maybe not.
No.
It wasn't appropriate.
No.
Do you think Jesus would do it inappropriate?
Well, my dad wasn't,
he wasn't very happy about it.
He went after me
and I didn't know he didn't have any underwear on
and his big private parts
were showing and everything
and he was holding a coffee pot.
I came up from behind
and I pulled his pants off.
But why are you obsessed
with people's private parts?
Let me tell you something, young man.
Yes?
Young man.
Okay.
You've got some sinful ways
in your life.
No, I'm not sexual.
It's not sexual at all.
And you need to,
you emphasize,
it has to be.
No.
Gentles are sexual.
They're for the passing
of urine and waste, though, also.
You need to, no.
Yes, they are.
That's human anatomy.
Okay, so the genitals are not for passing human waste.
But why do you emphasize all this?
I only emphasize on the passing of human waste and whatnot.
Why?
Why?
I don't know.
I didn't ask if Jesus had sex ever.
I would never have asked that because he didn't.
I mean, we know Jesus was 100% human and he was 100% God 100% of the time.
So he probably got erections when he was going through puberty and all that, right?
like all other men do?
Let me tell you something.
Jesus never sinned.
It's just a reflex.
A reflex.
No, no, no, no, no.
Erections are thoughts.
No.
Of sensual.
Yes, they are.
There's reflex erections.
I'm a man.
There's reflex erections.
You never gotten a reflex erection?
No.
Not without thinking sexually.
Oh, please.
I haven't.
When you were a teenager and you were going through puberty,
you didn't just get an erection
and you didn't want to stand up in front of class.
Has that ever happened to you?
No.
Well, you must be homosexual then.
You know what?
You must have impotence.
We're done.
Whatever.
Because you have a good day.
I hope you find your way.
I hope you get an erection one day.
I do with my wife.
Ooh.
Yeah?
Does she kiss it?
You know what?
What?
This is enough.
No?
This is enough.
Have you had?
This is private.
Okay.
This is private.
Do you have children?
You have children, right?
You have a good day.
You have children?
children. Very interesting conversation that was. I need to get a cake there decorated for
Pastor Labia. I'm sorry, can you repeat that? I need to get a cake decorated for Pastor Labia.
You need a cake decorator to what? For Pastor Labia. It's his birthday. Okay. You say you
would like to speak to a cake decorator? What do you do there? I'm a closer. I don't work.
What do you close?
Oh, you're a closer?
You're like the guy that shoots the guy at the end, the closer?
You close the deal?
It's kind of hard to understand what you're saying.
You know, a closer is the guy, that's the person that closes the deal at the end, you know?
No, I'm talking like I close the department, but.
Oh.
Oh, you're closed then.
Okay, you're closed.
Never mind.
No, we're not closed.
Oh.
No, no, no, no.
Oh, you're there pretty early for the closer.
No, no, no.
What do you mean no?
We don't close until 9 p.m.
So why are you there already?
If you're closing, you're starting to close already?
already no i i just i worked a closing shift okay so we're open until 9 p.m okay okay so what about
that uh message i need put on the cake for the pastor okay um did you already put in the order
or no no no it's new it's new it's for next week yeah okay okay let me get a customer name for
to pick up okay oh my name i'll come pick it up alex alexander alex alex sovertier yeah day
sovertier and can i get a phone number please uh sure just a minute yeah it's uh 7102014
102014 2014 oh yeah oh yeah and the cake size you would like uh whatever the medium size is i got a
nice message to put on there uh well our quarter sheet feeds about 20 people all right can we go
with that sure okay and the cake flavor vanilla well we got chocolate white marble and yellow
all right white marble one you say marble yeah yeah yeah okay and the icing flavor buttercream
or wendy buttercream yeah all right and the color of the icing blue you got blue yeah all right and
the border what about it can i get like a point font what is it a point font do you have that
that one 8.5 i don't know what that is like you know microsoft windows on word when you do the
border you do the 8.5 one oh no i was talking about the color of the border oh okay um how
about white okay would you like any balloons or roses nope and what would you like it to say uh
dear pastor labia no no just happy birthday pastor labia we all love you and may jesus's
sacred heart and most precious blood
be with you for the next
50 years
make sure 50 is spelled out
F-I-F-T-Y not just the numbers
it might be a little hard to fit
all of that
we hope you stay here for another 50
that you don't die
happy birthday and how do you spell
that?
pastor and then his last name is labia
A-L is his first name
last name A-B-I-A
hold on a minute
All right, so you said, happy birthday, Pastor, and then spell that name?
First name, Al.
What's that?
A-L?
Yep.
Last name is A.
B as in boy, I-A.
Albia?
Abia.
Abia?
Okay, so like, Pastor Al-Abia.
Yep.
Okay, and you spell Pastor, P-A-S-T-E-R?
O-R.
O-R?
Yep.
Yep, yep, yep.
Okay, cool.
Happy birthday, Pastor Al-Abia.
We love you.
We love you.
And we congratulate you on 50 years.
May you live another 50 years and stay with us for 50 more years and not die.
And then thank you.
And then signed the staff.
We were not going to be able to fit that entire message on that.
How many can you fit on there?
Well, it's not about, like, how many words.
It's just, like, it's kind of like if you could try not to put every word into it.
Well, you can thin it out.
You can just use confectioner's paint and thin it out and just, you know, paint it on with a brush.
Well, that's not how we do it.
We do everything in icing bags and airbrush.
Oh, but, yeah, you can use the same stuff.
You just thin it out.
Right, but what I'm saying is it's going to be hard to get all of those words on the cake.
How many cakes do you think it would take for that much?
Well, I'm at like, well, all right.
And we'll put them together.
You got happy birthday, Pastor Alavia.
We love you, and then what's the message you want to get across?
Happy birthday, Pastor Alabia.
We love you.
Congratulations on 50 years of life,
and may Jesus' sacred heart and most precious blood be with you,
and may you live another 50 years and be with us another 50 years and not die.
And then it should say signed, comma, and then the staff.
Okay.
On our cakes, we can fit about a sentence or two on there, not a paragraph.
well how many cakes will it take and we can just put them all together i mean well we can one make
a way one big cake okay and then put transformers on it transformers do you have the transformers
transformers yeah he really likes the transformers he just saw the movie he loved it okay if we're
gonna put the transformers on there we are not gonna be able to fit a lot of the words on there
we can definitely fit happy birthday birthday pastoral arabia we love you and you know
know congratulations or something but we ain't gonna be able to fit the paragraph that you want
on there with the transformers kid well maybe just the letters on several cakes just all the wording
the paragraph and then one separate cake that has just the transformers having like a big battle
well how many cakes you want well however many it takes to get the message across we'll make like a
big banner cake okay well give me one second okay i'm gonna grab one of my associates and
yeah grab her grab her in the ass yeah excuse me go ahead and grab her yeah i'll be right here
No, what did you just say?
That's completely inappropriate, sir.
I didn't know that you were hearing that.
I was telling my wife in the background, like we were kind of joking.
I highly doubt that's even possible.
I thought you were gone already.
That's what she said, you know, that kind of thing.
Mm-hmm.
All right, give me one second.
All right.
I don't know what to do.
He didn't want to fit all of this paragraph on a couple of tapes.
And so far, he says, happy birthday, Pastor Al Avia.
We love you.
Congratulations.
That's all I got right now from him.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
I want to make sure this is funny.
okay sir um i heard what you said that back there i heard what you were saying
okay but you said that you don't know you can't handle this so you don't know what you can do
um you said i'm a bad customer i'm a bad customer and everything you said no what i was saying is
what you said to me on the phone when i said i was going to go grab my employee and see what
she thinks now what i was saying is i don't think we can fit an entire paragraph on an entire case
How many times do I have to tell you several cakes?
Okay.
And I know you understand that because I just heard you say to her he's trying to put it on a couple cakes.
So you know I'm saying more than one.
Why don't you go back to just one again?
That's not your out.
You don't have an out with that, okay?
You don't have an out with that.
Okay, sir, how many cakes do you want then?
However many it takes to fit everything that I've told you.
But you still haven't written it all down, you said.
Okay, well, I got, because this is a little confusing to me, sir.
And honestly, I would appreciate it if you'd stop yelling at me.
I'm trying my best here, okay?
I'm going to help you get through this.
Work with me, okay?
Okay, fine.
Okay.
Did you want to put her on the phone?
If you can't...
Honestly, what you...
I honestly don't feel comfortable doing that, what you said earlier.
I didn't mean for you to say that.
I would never say that to her on the phone.
I thought you had already put the phone on hold.
Okay, but that just makes me feel uncomfortable to give her the phone.
I know, but you were supposed to hear it, and had you not have heard it, had I not made the mistake...
But I did heard it.
I know you did heard it, but if you hadn't heard it, then it would not have been an issue.
You would not even know.
No. And I'm not going to talk like that.
Like, if I would have known you weren't, you didn't have me on hold or you couldn't hear me,
I wouldn't have said something like that. Disgusting. I'm sorry, okay?
Okay, that's fine.
Okay, so...
Let's take care of the stakes.
Now, happy birthday, Pastor Al-Abya. We love you. Congratulations.
May the...
I'll send you.
Congratulations on 50 years of life.
Okay.
May Jesus' sacred heart and blessed blood be with you.
Hold on. May Jesus' sacred heart...
And blessed blood be with you.
Be with you.
Be with you.
Yep.
May you live another 50 years.
May you live another 50 years.
And be with us another 50 years.
And be with us another 50 years.
And not die.
And not die.
And then sign staff, the staff.
So you want me to put sign the staff?
Yes.
Or kind of like one of those things, like on a letter, you'd put like a line and then your name.
Yeah, and then the staff.
Yeah, the staff.
Yeah, like that.
So put that in your computer and see how many cakes it takes.
Well, we don't do it by the computer.
We literally just handwrite it on the cake.
So go talk to that cake decorator and ask her.
She probably knows better than you because that's woman's work, you know?
Sure, that's kind of sexy.
No, I didn't mean it like that.
I'm just saying it's her work.
You said she's the one that does it, right?
You don't?
No, I don't.
Okay.
Our cake decorator left, and the other person that's here is just another co-worker.
Oh, God.
God damn it.
When did the cake decorator leave after you told her all the mean, nasty things about me?
I didn't say anything mean, nasty.
I heard everything you said.
You were like, yeah, he said this, that he was going to grab you and all that,
that I was going to grab you, and I don't know what I'm going to do.
I was just stating what was said to me on the phone.
Well, no wonder she left.
But I told you it was a mistake.
I told you it was a mistake.
Well, you're a piece of crap.
You screwed it up.
You're a piece of crap, because she would have answered your question
had you not said all these bad and mean, nasty things about me.
Finally.
finally good afternoon yeah is dark stranger there who dark stranger dark stranger yeah this
is the taco bell in newfoundland right newfoundland dark stranger there
what i want to press do
I'm speaking English.
I'm speaking English.
I'm speaking English.
I'm speaking English.
Shut up and speak up Canadian bitch.
Shut up and speak up Canadian bitch.
Motherfucker.
Calling Crystal Palace amusement park.
Calling Crystal Palace amusement park.
Our office hours are from Monday to Friday 9 to 5.
Bullshit.
Bullshit.
Walmart Supercenter.
If you are calling from a touch tone phone and desire service in English,
please press one now if you do not have touch desire I have a desire for dark
stranger regular store hours tomorrow calling please hold transfer your call
Walmart security people hi honey baby how are you good I'm looking for dark
stranger is she there who dark stranger I don't understand you the dark stranger
I'm Brian I'm Brian rainbow it's hard to find shit in Canada that would be open
Canada Day is like the 4th of July, Christmas, and the Stanley Cup Finals all rolled up into one.
If you can imagine that.
Alright, Denny's.
At Denny's Smoke Shop.
Man, they won't be open.
Damn it, man.
Denny's Smoke Shop.
Man, there ain't shit in Moncton.
Moncton.
I live in Moncton.
Moncton.
Let's call it a holiday inn.
Maybe Dark Strangers there with Roy.
They met at, I don't know, Comic Con.
Flew back home together.
Yeah, I need to talk to Dark Stranger.
I can't hear you.
Yeah, my name's Brian.
Brian Rainbow.
Yeah, Brian Rainbow.
You had a reservation for tonight?
No, no, no.
Dark Stranger's there with Roy.
They're both there and they're fucking.
They met at the Comic Con, the convention.
Pardon me, I really can't hear you.
It's good.
Yeah, I'm obsessed.
I'm obsessed with this Dark Stranger
and she's fucking uh brad carter inside in the hotel he's fucking her and i want to go down
there and make him stop fucking because i want dark stranger for me you want what i want dark
stranger for me not for anyone else only i can have her and if i can't have her no one else can
okay i can do nothing for you yeah you can you can make them stop having sex okay i'm gonna hang
Hang up now.
Sorry.
Bye.
Please.
Please.
Welcome to the Greater Moncton International Airport.
Bienvenue à la Véoport International du Grand Moncton.
Pour un service en français, vous y composerez un.
To dial by name, press 2.
For airline information, press 3.
For airport security or to page a passenger, press 4.
For general...
To page a passenger.
Who does that anymore in an airport?
God.
I need to talk to Dark Stranger
Who?
Dark Stranger
Well no this is the airport
Yeah I need Dark Stranger page
Because Brad Carter is coming off a plane
And they're going to have sex
And I don't want that to happen
So can you please page her so I can talk her out of it
And tell her no
Did you get the name?
Dickhead
Brad's flying to Moncton
and have sex with this starch thing.
I'm going to make a baby.
I would so jerk off.
Hey, speak English, motherfucker.
Hello?
Yeah, can you speak English, motherfucker?
Motherfucker, on me dira pas ça, ok?
Merci, au revoir.
Bitch.
I guess she understands, motherfucker.
They know what that means in Quebec.
Oh, motherfucker.
But I'm pretty close to taking another break, machine.
Ha, ha, ha.
Hi, is that Denny's?
I want to make an order.
How are you?
Good, just a minute.
Are you French?
Are you French?
Thank God.
Yeah, okay.
I want one eggs.
Just a minute, please.
Fuck.
Yeah, one eggs.
What did you use just now?
What?
I said one eggs.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
One meat.
Okay.
One bread.
Okay.
One fucker.
What?
One fuck.
You want to come here and take it?
Yeah, I'll take it out of your ass.
What do you think?
Let's call him back
See if he's Indian
Say Bhenchod
What?
Yes, hi
I'd like to make an order
Yeah, just one please
One Bhenchod
Sure, no problem, sir
Yeah, it's good, sir
One Bhenchod
Sorry?
One Bhenchod
Okay, and one
One Madarchod
Mm-hmm
Okay, what else?
One Sister
Okay
Okay
How many fathers do you have
That you can put in there?
How much you have?
I have
I have lots
My friends have lots of dicks
So we can fuck them up
No, how many fathers do you have?
None
You don't have none?
No, you have five.
No.
You have five, father.
No, no.
If you need some father, so just let me know next.
You have.
You know, next Father's Day, so I can give you extra fathers.
If you buy five fathers, if you buy five fathers, I can give you two fathers extra.
Well, you have five fathers.
Let me have one.
No, you have.
You have.
I can give you two extra fathers.
No, I have none.
Oh, fuck you, man.
I have no fathers.
That's what I'm calling.
If you can help me help you.
Yes, one order of eggs.
Yeah, just one moment.
I'm going to trust you for your service.
One order of eggs.
Okay.
Hello?
Yeah, one eggs, I said.
Okay, can you just give me
are you ordering it to go yeah okay give me one second one eggs can you just hold on for one
second please no okay what would you like one eggs just eggs one eggs one meat one bread what
do you mean meat one meat do you want sausage do you want bacon pork yeah so sausage or bacon
no just one meat no thank you i don't need any upgrades no thank you no i'm not offering an
upgrade you're telling me you want meat but you need to tell me well i said eggs first and you
You haven't even figured that out yet.
So you said meat after that.
What would you like as the meat?
I want hot meat.
Cooked meat with heat.
Just give me one second.
Okay.
Thank you for holding.
This is Abby.
How can I help you?
Yes, I'm making one order.
You would like to order?
Yep.
Okay, just give me one second.
Hurry up.
Okay, and what would you like to order, sir?
Okay, one eggs.
Sorry?
One eggs.
One eggs?
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Okay.
What kind of eggs?
Cooked.
Sorry?
Cooked.
Cooked eggs?
Uh-huh.
Okay, so we have over easy, over medium.
Oh, no upgrades.
No, just cooked eggs with heat.
So you mean boiled egg?
No, no, cooked.
I need them cooked.
Okay, so how do you want us to cook, sir?
With heat.
With heat.
With heat?
Mm-hmm.
I know that, but how do you want your egg to look like?
I need them, well, you know, the egg yolk is yellow and the white part of the egg is white.
Okay, but still there are some ways to make the egg.
Mm-hmm.
I know.
I'm telling you all the ways that we make the egg.
Great.
My question is, how do you want me to make your egg?
Oh, mader chod.
Sorry?
Mader chod.
Mader chod. What is mader chod?
It's mother fuck, you know? Mader chod.
Okay, so you are playing with us?
No, I am bhenchod, so you bring your sister and I can chod her for you.
And then you make the eggs mader chod style.
Okay, are you done?
Your mother makes the eggs, and you come from behind her, and you fuck her,
and it's mother-chode eggs.
Okay, are you done now?
How many fathers do you have?
Are you done now?
No.
Okay, then...
Then what? Then what? Then what?
Good afternoon, cluster. Dennis, this is Abhi. How can I help you?
Just one egg, please.
Okay, you stop calling, otherwise I'll call the police.
No, no, motherfucker. No.
Do you want to see that?
Yeah.
Oh, you stop calling here.
Motherfucker.
You better stop calling here.
Son of a bitch.
Whatever you're saying, same to you.
Yeah, five fathers.
Five fathers.
Okay, what kind of person you are?
I'm sick.
You're sick?
Then deal yourself.
Deal myself?
Fuck yourself?
Yeah.
You fuck to put your dick in your head and shake?
Oh, I know you know how to talk.
All idiot talk.
I'm here now.
I'm there now.
I'm outside.
I'm outside.
Come outside.
Come outside.
Keep it to yourself.
Come outside and I'll deal you, motherfucker.
Okay, I know you're a brave man, so you're calling.
Uh-huh.
You're a brave man.
I know that.
Come outside and bring your sister in front of me.
Okay, just keep your mouth shut, man.
No, motherfucker, no.
Do your business.
Come front.
Go into your business.
Come front of me.
Okay, business.
I want one scrambled eggs.
We are not taking any order from you.
One scrambled egg.
We are not taking any order from you.
Order.
Take order.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Please.
We are not taking any order from you.
Please.
Find some other restaurant.
No.
Thank you.
No.
Okay, if you call one more time,
and i'm going to call the police no no no thank you for holding this is abby how can i help you
uh yeah i was waiting on that order okay i'm going to call the police no please no thanks no
oh it was me one eggs one eggs yes yeah i'm ordering one eggs one second hold on sir hurry
up i'll give it back i promise i think when i'm done
hey what did you need what did you borrow excuse me what did you borrow yeah you just said any can
i borrow that please i'll give it back sir oh yeah you're gonna give it back right yeah okay
i'd like to make an order please of course one eggs white eggs how would you like one eggs one
egg what kind of egg cooked would you like it scrambled over easy cooked with heat somebody
I told you she wasn't gonna give the pen back she didn't want to give the pen back huh
hello yeah she you didn't want to give the pen back oh yeah who is this hey it's all good okay
okay okay I'm making an order yep okay okay I'm ready are you ready one eggs okay yep and how would
you like your eggs with heat cooked with heat okay uh-huh yeah hello yeah yeah one eggs cooked
Cooked with heat?
Yeah.
Okay, anything else?
One meat.
One meat?
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Okay, one bread.
One bread?
Okay.
Okay, one potatoes.
Okay.
Wait, how would you like your bread?
Cooked.
Wait, wait, wait.
Oh, sorry.
With meat?
We don't have one bread, but we have two.
Like, it comes in two.
Okay, two bread.
Okay, so for the meat as well, it's two slices.
Okay.
Okay?
Okay.
So, two bread, and that's wheat, and one potato?
No, with flour, flour breads.
Flour, okay, flour bread, okay.
And one potato, so like hash browns, or like red skin potatoes.
With salt?
Yeah, so would you like fries, or like red skin potatoes, or like hash browns?
Yeah, use oil.
Yeah, okay.
Okay, yeah.
Wait, wait, so the bread?
Foo, foo, foo?
Do you want the hash browns, or do you want the red skin potatoes?
or do you want the
Foo?
One Foo?
For the potatoes.
No, Foo.
Foo?
I don't know what Foo is.
I don't know either.
I don't know.
Fruit?
Foo?
Foo?
Foo?
Okay, one second.
Let me just watch
anything Foo.
I'm sorry,
you wanted potatoes.
Yeah, with Foo?
With the food.
Foo?
Foo?
I don't know what Foo is.
I don't know what to tell you.
It's pretty common.
One potato, yeah,
with heat,
cooked with heat.
One potato?
Yeah, cooked with heat
and salt.
You know we only have
shredded hash browns
and red-skinned potatoes, right?
We don't have baked potatoes.
Well, just do...
Yeah, I just need one potatoes.
Potatoes.
The shredded hash browns
or the red-skinned?
The cooked one with oil,
cooked with oil and heat
and salt.
The chunky potatoes
or the shredded ones?
The full.
Sorry, there is no such thing.
Okay, starch.
The ones with starch.
Okay.
So, you do realize
that all potatoes have starch, yeah?
Not all of them.
If you cut them a certain way
and you blanch them,
they don't.
You don't?
Huh?
I gotta take a shit.
Apologize.
Guys, we'll be going for about another top of the hour.
Top of the hour, and then I'm done.
Calling Denny's in Canada.
Seems like the ones in Calgary are Indian-owned.
I'd like to make an order.
Sure.
And are you Indian?
Pardon me?
Are you Indian?
No.
Indian-owned, though?
Pardon me?
Is the manager an Indian?
Uh, no.
Okay, good.
That's good.
Because I don't like Indians.
Okay, what can I get for you?
Want eggs?
Eggs?
No.
Yeah.
Pardon me?
Want eggs?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, and how would you like your eggs?
Cooked.
Okay, what else would you like?
One meats.
Meat?
Mm-hmm.
So we have bacon, sausage, or ham.
Yeah, meat.
Which one would you like?
Whatever.
Okay.
One breads.
Okay.
Would you like white, brown, rye, sourdough, or malted grain?
Baked bread.
Pardon me, which kind would you like?
Baked, sliced, baked, yeah.
I mean, what kind?
White, brown, rye, malted grain, or sourdough?
Uh, whatever's made out of flour and, um, like leavening agents, salt, there's a little
bit of sodium in there, sodium bicarbonate.
Okay, uh, just give me one moment.
Beef tips, garlic salt, leftover corn cob and ribs, ramen noodles, grilled chicken.
Anything else?
Uh, can I get a total, please?
Uh, yep.
It's 10, 9, uh, 10, 28.
Okay, and how long will it be?
Uh, that'll be about 10 minutes.
All right.
Okay.
Can I just grab your name and number, please?
Yeah, sure.
Okay.
All right.
What's your number?
Um, 701-2014, my name is Guy Lapointe.
Sorry, that's 701-2014.
Okay.
And my name is Guy Lapointe.
Is the error code 403?
Yep.
Okay.
Okay, thank you.
Bye.
You're welcome.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Yeah, I need one order.
Sorry?
Yeah, order.
I'm making an order.
Sure.
I boil the water and I put the shit in and then I put the brick in and put a plate over
the top and let the steam cook the rest.
I have boiled the water and put the shit in and put a brick in and put a plate over the top and let the
Steam cook the rest. Hello
Hey, I want to make an order one coffee
I want it made with water. No, no, no coffee
Made with heat made with heat make it with heat
One bhenchod. Hello. Yeah one bhenchod one bhenchod
You have that?
Yeah, boil the water, put the stuff in, and put the brick in, and put a plate over it, and let the steam cook it.
Can I get your name?
Yep, Guy Lapointe.
Hey, can I get your spell?
Your what?
How do you spell your name?
Guy, G-U-Y.
Yeah.
Lapointe, L-A-P-O-I-N-T-E.
Do you want two drip coffees, regular size?
No, I want one coffee, made with heat, brewed.
The other one I want you to boil the water, put the shit in, and put the brick in,
and put a plate on the top and let the steam cook it.
What time are you going to come by here?
When is it ready?
Okay, maybe it'll take just two minutes to make that.
It'll take what?
It'll take what?
It'll take what?
It'll take what?
It'll take what?
It'll take what?
It'll take what?
It'll take what?
What'll it take?
It'll take two minutes to make.
Two minutes for maybe?
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
I'll be there like in 12.
Okay?
Okay.
Okay.
Do you have sister?
Stupid.
I don't want to do a show anymore.
I don't want to do anymore.
Help you.
Yeah, I'd like to make an order.
For a carryout order?
Yep.
Right here with, and I can help you out.
Okay.
All right, what's your name?
Cross.
What can I get for you today?
I want to boil the water, put the shit in, put the brick in, and put a plate over the top, and let the steam cook the rest.
Okay.
Really?
Yep.
What can I do for you, buddy?
Want spaghetti?
Spaghetti with what?
Boiled spaghetti.
You want me to boil spaghetti?
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
It's a nice day.
No.
No.
No.
Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
Full?
Huh?
Full?
Hey, I wanted to make an order for the sauces, the fire sauce.
I want to put it in my ramen noodles.
I'm sorry?
When I come in, what do I have to buy in order to get some fire sauce?
I want as many packets as I can get because I like to put it in my ramen noodles.
I don't know.
Hold on.
Let me give you to a manager.
Oh, get a white man.
Hello?
Yeah.
Can you get a white man?
I'm sorry.
Alright, we can check your number. Could you please stop calling the store playing?
No, no, I'm not playing. I'm just actually trying to find out what the rule is.
By color here, sorry.
Well, I go by fire sauce. Those are the colors I see is the ones, the colors of the sauce packets.
You know the red one?
Hold on, I'm going to get you to my manager. Hold on.
Please.
No, thank you.
See you again.
Hi, how are you?
I'm good.
Order whenever you're ready.
I'm ready.
Do you want to pay for a large or a medium or a great?
Hurry up.
What's the wait?
No, what's the wait?
I had to wait a long time.
You were sitting there taking a lot of orders and stuff.
You know?
You were sitting there taking a lot of orders and stuff.
This game's going.
Here you go.
Here's your answer.
I know.
I'm doing the best I can do.
Oh, you need help?
You need like some men to work there to help out?
No, I don't.
Is there a man manager I can talk to?
Like a white man?
Is there like a white man manager I can talk to?
No.
How can I help you?
Well, I was trying to get information about getting some fire sauce.
I like a lot of it because I like to put it in my ramen noodles.
Yeah, that's not possible.
Well, how many do you, what's the limit per,
let's say if I get a five-layer burrito machine,
how many can I have?
I have two sauces.
Well, how come that black girl over there gave me, like, five of them,
and now she says she can't?
I do not know.
Did you get sausage you asked for?
Yeah, I asked, can I have some extra?
She said, yeah, sure, honey, and she gave me five more.
I had seven total.
Okay.
But now, that was last week, and now I'm coming,
and the same black girl says I can only have two.
And she said, talk to the manager if you got a problem.
She said, like, talk to the stupid manager, she said.
She said it was her stupid manager's fault.
she said i hate my manager it's her fault she said who you can today uh-huh yeah that one's done
yeah i know it's over you only get two sauces for one item yeah but she but she she gave me
seven one time so that's not true okay well i'm not sure who you're talking about the only people
working is me and a new girl and this is her first day so i don't know the new girl talking
about the new girl said you're an asshole she was saying okay sir is there anything else that you
really she said that to me i came through she said is there anything i can help you with yeah
Yeah, I need more sauce than two, motherfucker.
I'm sorry, that's not going to happen.
I have caller ID and I will inform the police of your...
Shut up. Shut up, labia.
Shut up, bitch.
Better time than now.
I'm eating ham.
Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
Nom, nom.
I'm half paying attention to soccer.
Sorry.
Yeah, Sloth does spam and he's Hitler also.
He's a Nazi.
Chat Nazi.
Song goes out to Sloth.
Yeah.
I'm really out of ideas.
Chatroom, you better come up with ideas or I'm going to leave early.
30 minutes left. Let's call some juice. Let's see if the juice place is open.
We are open.
We are open, actually.
Oh, happy Canada Day, honey. Sexy.
Oh, yeah. Happy Canada Day.
All right, motherfucker. I wanted to make an order. One juice. One cold juice with fruit.
What kind of juice is that?
Fruit.
Sorry, are you going to pick it or you want to order this?
Mm-hmm. I'll make an order.
Yeah, I know you're making an order, but, like, are you going to pick it in a few minutes?
I'm going to come pick it up.
What do you mean?
I don't understand.
Why is it so hard to understand?
Yeah, that's my question.
If you're going to pick it in here.
I'm going to pick my asshole in there.
I'm going to put fingers in my ass there.
Excuse me.
You don't have to use those languages.
Oh, I thought I was on mute.
I was joking with my son.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
So are you going to order?
Yeah, I did already.
One juice.
What kind of juice?
We have a lot of juices.
Fruit.
We have apple, carrot, orange.
Fruit.
We don't have a fruit juice.
You don't have fruit juice?
What kind of juice do you have?
Vegetable juice?
Bullshit?
Yeah, we have a vegetable juice.
That's it?
No fruit, motherfuckers.
We have a Maui juice as well, which has an orange, pineapple, and banana.
What kind of juice do you want?
Cold.
Everything in the booster juice is cold.
Oh, wow.
That's good.
That's good.
That's good.
All right.
I believe you don't want an order.
Yeah, I do.
I have a lot of pineapple costumers in here.
Hey, a pineapple.
Pineapple.
What kind of pineapple?
Juice.
Is it a smoothie?
Because we don't have a pineapple juice.
You have a pineapple juice.
Okay.
You have a, yeah.
We don't have a pineapple juice.
Oh, what, one smoothie.
The pineapple that we have is a smoothie.
Okay, one smoothie.
What size is that?
With cold, cold.
I told you many times.
We have all cold.
I'm asking you now, the size.
With ice?
Size.
Ice.
S-I-Z-E.
I-C-E.
ice
everything has an ice
just one ice
I just want one ice
I don't get what you want
let's try this way
one smoothie, hold the fruit, no ice
sounds good
we'll just wait for you to come here
you better have it ready
you don't have to say those words
you better have it ready
if it's not ready I'm going to order it
unfortunately I can't continue this conversation
stupid
Stupid, stupid.
Starbucks,
Aaron speaking yeah one coffee uh you
would like a coffee uh-huh okay one caramel macchiato american with whip fudge double spaces
on the rocks cooked with heat green coffee bean okay one sec i'll let you uh gee is it a man a
A white man?
Yeah.
Okay, good.
Yeah, I'd like to make an order.
You can come in and make an order.
It's not a problem.
It's an urgent thing.
I have to make sure that it's ready when I'm there
because I have an erection and I have to take care of it.
You heard him back there.
He's rattling off a bunch of weird stuff.
To make an order, one chicken.
Safeway Wine and Spirits.
Yeah, one chicken, one potatoes.
This is the liquor store.
This is Safeway.
This is the liquor store.
Safeway.
Safe way
Safe way
Yeah
Want an order?
Unless you want the
Unless you want a liquor store
You've got it wrong
Unless you want a punch in the face
You better take my order
Motherfucker
Motherfucker
This hour's on Canada Day
Please make a selection
From the following choices
Okay
One moment please
Good afternoon
Here's some good stuff
With a woman
Hey
Hey
How are you?
Good, good
Hey
Happy Canada Day
Yeah
Oh yeah
Oh, yeah.
I wanted to make an order, one meat.
Pardon me?
One meat.
Oh, the meat department?
Okay, just hold on.
I want to make an order for meat.
An order for meat.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, let me put you to the meat department.
Hold on.
Yay.
Meat department, Chad speaking.
Hey, boy, how you doing?
Good.
Loose Chad.
Yeah.
All right, I wanted to make an order for one meat.
Okay.
One meat, mm-hmm.
Package, cold, okay.
Two units of fish.
Pardon me?
Your excuse.
Go ahead.
No, I'm not following.
Sorry.
One meat, cold, packaged, and two units of fish.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Okay.
When can that be ready and what's the total?
One second here.
Okay.
America almost get a goal, but the monkeys blocked it.
Look at that black guy in the Belgium team.
He's not from Belgium.
Whatever.
Making an order for one meat, cold package.
Cold package, I'm not following.
What kind of order of meat?
One meat, cold meat.
Cold meat for which? I don't understand. I'm not following you, sir.
From the machine.
This is a grocery store.
Yeah, I know. This is the meat department.
And what did you want to order? I'm not following.
One meat.
One meat.
What kind of meat? What kind of meat did you want?
Cold meat.
Sorry, sir. I know what you're asking for.
Two fish.
What kind of fish did you want?
From the sea, ocean fish.
Waterfish, motherfucker
Bitch, motherfucker
Enjoy yourself
Yeah, I'll enjoy myself
That's a polite way of saying fuck you
Go enjoy yourself
Let's piss in Canada
Go enjoy yourself, go jerk off
All I do is complain
I'm Zach DeLaRocca
All I do is complain about the men and the government
Hello
Hi, how are you?
You sounded very effeminate when you picked up the phone.
Well, I am feminine.
Okay, good.
I wanted to make an order.
What kind of order would you like?
One tea time.
One tea time at what time?
Well, preferably for tomorrow.
I don't know if you're going to be closed for this stupid faggot holiday.
No, we're at the holidays today.
We're open.
We're rocking.
Oh, good.
Yeah, so I'm going to bring my baseball bat.
Are you?
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
I'm going to hit the balls with the baseball bat off the green.
This is a golf course, right?
Yeah.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, I'm going to hit the baseball bat.
I'm going to use the baseball bat to hit the golf balls off the grass.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
And when I get upset.
You got a pretty high tee, right?
What?
You got a pretty high tee, right?
Yeah, sure, buddy.
Whatever you say, Mr. Canadian.
Oh, chuckle.
Chuckle, chuckle, chuckle.
Chuckle, chuckle, chuckle.
Yeah.
Hee, hee, hee.
What's going on?
What's happening?
Yeah, and I'm going to burn some flags on the green, some Canadian flags.
I'm going to bash a fucking golf cart to pieces with my baseball bat,
and then I'm going to throw that fucker in the water.
Well, there's no water on this course, so I think you're all right.
There's no water?
No.
Oh, can I drive a golf course, like, far away, super far,
like, just keep driving with it?
Is there somewhere I can crash it off of?
No.
Oh.
I can bring the water.
You can bring water?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, I've got a gasoline tanker I converted to hold drinking water, potable water.
Okay, I'm just going to put you on hold for a sec.
Fuck you.
That's a shitty golf course with no water.
Fuck that.
Sloth knows.
Sloth played golf in high school.
He was in the varsity golfing team.
Pennsylvania High School.
Pennsylvania High School.
Roaming around Calgary, looking for places to call.
Here's another Tim Hortons.
They seem to be pretty boring, Tim Hortons.
There's very no-nonsense there, but I'll try it.
Wheelchair Megan, it's Rage Against the Machine, obviously.
and i know you're a troll be careful don't be mean nasty wheelchair mangan i know who i think
you might be and be nice okay be nice that was a huge missed opportunity by the united states holy
shit was that dempsey holy crap i just caught that at the corner of my eye here's a replay
man right off the homie's head jordan hey how you doing honey baby who's this oh this is uh ralph
ralph little john how are you hi how are you oh good i'm watching the game i love this soccer
What do you guys call it in here in Canada soccer or football soccer? Oh, yeah, you like it. You like watching it
Yeah, who's this? Oh, my name is Ralph little John. I wanted to make an order
Okay, okay one sister one bench hood. All right one bunch hood. All right one bench hood
You want bench? Oh, I don't know. Sorry. He's wrong number. Oh, you don't you like cricket you like to watch cricket? Yeah
Well, you're Indian then. No, I'm not Indian. Where are you from Nepal? No, where I'm from Canada
Yeah, but where are your people from?
Yeah, I'm Canadian.
I'm white.
Oh, yeah, you are?
Yeah.
What was your name?
My name is John.
Oh, yeah, my name is John.
Can I talk to a white man, please?
All right.
End of the second half.
Belgium tied 0-0 with the United States, also known as OUSA.
Thank you.
Sleep in the fire, yeah.
Burn your shit, motherfucker.
Yeah.
What's the prank we did today about putting people in the fire?
That's what the song's about.
up forget what it was for store hours press one for store address press two for questions about
best buy.ca orders reserve online pick up in store or to place a product on hold press three
for assistance from a sales associate press four if you wanted to ask someone what the best camera
is to record movies inside the movie theater okay um like to pirate them to pirate them um i don't
know because okay let me just go talk to the manager okay thanks so we can't age you to break
the law and be illegal but if you want to use it for other reasons you can definitely come in we'll
help you okay yeah because i already have a copy of it so it's not illegal you know okay like i
downloaded a cam copy of it but i want to make my own better copy of transformers um with tele sync
you know well next time maybe you should leave the illegal part out that we can help you find
a good camera i didn't say illegal ever i know a piracy is illegal victimless crime i guess so
what am i calling hollywood or something what the fuck thank you goodbye bye peace
seems pretty cool wow i want to finger her what did i just say that let's call the movie theater
right next door and ask them about that although it probably will go to their automated line let
Let me see if I can get to him.
It's okay because I already downloaded a copy of it.
Hi, thanks for calling the Cineplex Odeon Westfield movie line.
If at any time during this recording you wish to return to the main menu,
please press the star key.
Please select one of the following options.
For information on movie listings and their showtimes, please press 1.
For information on birthday party packages, please press 2.
For information on admission prices, please press 3.
If you would like to leave a message for a member of the management team,
please press 4.
If at any time during this recording you wish to return to the main menu, please press the start.
One moment, please. The operator is not available.
If at any time during this recording you wish to return to the main menu.
Thank you for calling the Southwark City West Hill's birthday party line and mailbox.
It's all mailboxes, see? Told you.
Alright, extra time is about to start here on the game machine.
All the boys are huddling up and giving their secrets.
Now they're lining up on the green.
On the green pitch. The bitch. The pitch.
We're getting ready to kick the ball far away, far.
They kick it really hard, really fast.
Oh, this is a good song right here.
Let's stay on a few more minutes.
I did say till top of the hour.
My time on my PC always runs like four or five minutes slow, so.
Got me for another four or five.
Just got to find somewhere I can prank.
We'll go a little north of here.
Think the Mormons are open?
I don't think so.
Let's see if the LDS is open.
Yeah.
Sorry, your call could not be completed.
Maybe I'm out of credit.
Well, I ain't going to work.
There's a pharmacy, I don't want to call that
Shell station, let's see if there's any Bhenchods there
Always fun, ha ha ha
Belgium has scored, motherfucker
Hey boy, how you doing?
Good, good
Oh good, I want to make an order for one Bhenchod
Hello?
What?
One Bhenchod
Who's calling?
Cross
Who's that?
Me
That's okay
Okay, thank you
So, I need Bhenchod
Yeah, it's done, it's on your way
Okay, and do you have sister then for me?
What?
Do you have your sister for me, then, to make chud?
Yeah, okay, done.
Okay, and what about mother?
Yeah, that's done, too.
Okay, good.
How many fathers do you have?
Whatever you want, man.
I got five.
Okay, I'm going to fuck them all in the ass.
No problem, man.
Okay, motherfucker, you're going to come front of me, too.
All right, no problem.
Okay, you come front and bring sister.
All right, done.
God damn it, motherfucker, monkey.
What else, man?
Everything for you, no problem.
Yeah, your monkey fell out of the tree.
Okay, done.
Monkey fell out of the tree with his coconut.
All right.
Little monkey baby.
Little sister, nice and cute, pretty vagina.
Uh-huh.
That's it?
Yeah, you have dark skin?
Yeah.
Ooh, I like.
That's good.
I like ass pussy.
Yeah, I like.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
That's it, man?
Done?
Yeah, I'm done.
I'm done.
I'm out of time anyway.
It's time for the end of the show.
All right, no worries, man.
Bye.
Okay.
All right.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Yeah, I'm done.
I'm in a bad mood because USA might lose now.
Probably will lose unless they score here in the next few minutes.
Motherfucker.
Bye.

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