Happy America Day!
4 Jul 2014 · 1 h 37 min · 10,154 words · source
Calls (21, 46 min of 1 h 37 min)
- Hotel guest asked about staying and rolling papers live 1.4 min clip ↓
- Denny's ordered eggs and heat live 1.8 min clip ↓
- Denny's called back after hang-up live 34 s clip ↓
- Hotel Arundel Preserve Thomas Sanchez live 3.4 min clip ↓
- Hotel guest asked about wanking outside live 49 s clip ↓
- Mirage Hotel front desk asked for guest live 7.6 min clip ↓
- Marriott guest complained about noise live 2.3 min clip ↓
- Marriott guest asked for another guest live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Marriott call queue with automated message ivr 1.8 min clip ↓
- Marriott call about guest name ivr 1.9 min clip ↓
- Marriott guest David Holder search live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Fairfield by Marriott Ms. Gonzalez call live 45 s clip ↓
- Medical info line press 1 or 2 ivr 4.1 min clip ↓
- Voicemail playback of customer call voicemail 54 s clip ↓
- Turkish Horse voicemail playback playback 1.9 min clip ↓
- Hotel front desk order prank live 2.6 min clip ↓
- Restaurant order prank with escalating absurdity live 2.5 min clip ↓
- Pub asked for Peter Boudich live 49 s clip ↓
- Roscoe's asking about specials live 1.1 min clip ↓
- Church calling about pastor's death live 4.4 min clip ↓
- Church caller about emergency mass live 3.1 min clip ↓
Transcript
You little monkey.
You bastard.
You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.
For business and events in downtown Seattle,
allow us to assist you by selecting one of the following options.
Reservations, press 1.
Speak with a hotel guest, press 2.
For sales and catering, press 3.
For accounting and billing inquiries, repeat these choices.
Your call is being transferred.
Please wait on the line.
I'm off, Vicki.
May I assist you?
Hey, Mama.
Is this Mama?
What's your name, Mama?
Hello?
hello hello mama bitch finally there's someone to answer and they don't say shit motherfucker
yeah i need to know where i'm staying here and i need to know where i can go to get some rolling
papers and some shit to eat motherfucker where can i go you're a fucking asshole you know that
if you're still on the phone you're a fucking asshole because you're the only person to answer
a phone motherfucker stupid nothing's open man i won't answer the phone no one wants to talk
like fuck it man fuck it motherfucker matt cool rob and samantha i don't like cool rob that much
because he's weird i don't know if he likes me i don't know if he hates my guts i don't know if
he just hates everyone except me i don't know and matt talks bad about pcn and everything all the
time but then he wants to be my friend and i feel like i get real hurt you know like i take it
personal shit matt says about pcm and i've told him a few times like hey man you know like when
you say shit like that you're saying it about me oh well i don't mean like that i don't mean like
that like i want to believe you know i know you don't and i want to believe that but why not just
not say nothing like that at all it just kind of hurts you know i hurt i had a feeling i don't know
i'm gonna keep looking here for numbers
there's an aquarium here close there's a show box what the hell's a show box let's see what it is
would they be open maybe they have shows fourth of july show show machine yeah it's a venue but
they don't have anything going on tonight it says tomorrow not tonight the aquabats are going to be
performing that nerd music i like aquabats i'm a white nerd cracker neckbeard yeah well there's
a playground they don't have a phone number but that'd be fun if they did produce is going to be
closed costco is going to be closed now i forgot my login for dashy's site now that it's back up
i don't even know if i have an account there anymore but if i do i don't know what it is
here's a burger joint let's see if they're open probably not she says one one sex no answer
light rail station i won't have a number a bunch of schools
oh so a dark stranger how are you there buddy sleepy and go to sleep then say hi oh hi would
you take some melatonin you have some sleepy tea you have some drugs figure out where you're
playing from. Where can I
call? What do you think
that will be open this late on
4th of July? I know you're Canadian,
but... Call all the Canadians.
Oh, I know.
We'll be open Denny's.
Denny's is...
Make sure to tell them America's hot.
And it does,
and it does, you know.
Call somewhere like Texas
or something. That'll miss them all.
Like America.
I'm gonna call houses.
i'm gonna have no resort i had no further resolution i'm looking at new york city that's
the city i never sleep so motherfuckers should be open right yeah let me go to time square
fuck it bars i don't even know what time square is hey you should go to sleep you sound tired bro
between calls all right fine don't go to sleep i'm like you have to work tomorrow i do
oh anthony cumia and happy retirement after getting fired i'm not listening to that
anthony cumia retired no he got fired oh he got where when for fighting with black chicks
when what was this this morning cumia really yeah holy shit i don't know i listened to that show
now wow suspended or fired i had no idea oh dude that sucks racist shit i guess it was outside of
work oh no oh that sucks oh hopefully opie and uh what's his face the one comedian that's always on
that has the third chair there on that show hopefully they continue the show yeah i listened
to weird medicine more than i listened to that spinoff that came from it yeah dr steve anyway
yeah for a long time i just used to listen to that on saturdays on the channel and then
you peep me to when they go on live and their rss feed so yeah i'd say he'll do his own thing
huh serious xm fired opie i mean opie and anthony host anthony akumia after he went on a twitter
tirade against the black community earlier in the week oh boy i think i remember him railing on the
black community on the air i think i caught that this week and i guess he must have taken it to
twitter at some point i oh man ah some black some chick like started beating him up or something
Oh, really?
Yeah, everyone in chat's like, oh, he's fucking dumb.
Yeah, he can't do the show by himself.
No, well, why am I forgetting that third guy?
Who's the guy that's always on with them?
The comedian.
You know what I'm talking about?
Oh, fuck.
Yeah, he's always on Louis C.K.
Movie stuff.
Yeah.
Norton, yes, there you go.
Norton.
Is it Ed Norton?
No.
Isn't it?
No.
That's the actor.
Yeah, that's the actor, the asshole actor.
Good actor, but he's a jerk apparently on set.
um he got skinny he used to be fat anyway all right well that sucks so who does the voice of
um i don't know if you know even know what i'm talking about but who does the voice of chipper
chipper who does that voice on the show could that be a big loss i always laugh at that shit
he says all the fucking stupid shitty jokes man all right let me try to find people who'll answer
sure it's called denny's in my old my old state of my uh florida we'll call florida denny's here
we go i'm excited about this motherfucker let's do some stupid orderings of eggs and heat
lauren is chip okay good thank god i wasn't sure who did chip's voice i was scared because i crack
Crack up that ship all the time.
I love that shit.
Who does the pedophile uncle?
That character.
Forgot his name.
Ted Shackler.
Very similar.
Uncle Paul.
Yeah, that's who it is.
All right.
It is Jim Norton.
Good.
Yeah, Jim Norton could carry a show, man.
Jim Norton.
Hey, how you doing?
How you doing, sir?
I'm going to make an order for one egg.
Yes, sir.
One second.
No.
No second.
One.
One.
Another one.
One.
Oh, damn it.
Our seconds are valuable
You know
When was the last time
ONA got in trouble
Was in 2006
When the homeless guy
Said something about
About Laura Bush
Which was stupid anyway
They didn't even say it
It was a homeless dude
Saying it
On the show
And they got suspended
For a week
Oh my god
That homeless guy
I know
It wasn't even that
Shocking
The shit he said
Why'd they get suspended
For that shit
You shouldn't listen to it
If you're gonna get suspended
i did i have to read about this after i'm done talk to this guy's manager his seconds are very
long no one second one second this is more longer than a moment now you know add in another denny
so they can talk to each other i can't do that anymore it sucks yeah i can't that's why you're
not seeing the call on skype it's just a conference but you can hear it okay you hear dude okay
yep okay i want you because i'm testing this out i want you to try to talk to the next person just
to see if that's working okay it's a new setup it equals cheaper easier calls for me and no more
no more skype trouble from the skype police there's a tit it's probably the only one working
there god damn it might be busy a lot of these places get busy on days like this because as you
find out not a lot is open especially at this time some people you know you go out you get high
You get drunk, and you're like, man, I gotta go to Denny's.
I used to love going to Denny's drunk.
Nothing else is open, and everybody hangs out there.
Yeah.
I've been drunk at Denny's quite a bit, man.
Now I'm into this.
Now we got it.
I don't care.
I'm on no schedule.
I'm not really doing a show.
It's just called play some jazz.
That sucks about Anthony, man.
I think it's Norton's time to shine.
He deserves it.
He's freaking...
It seems like he carries that show, to be honest with you.
To me, he does.
I enjoy him the most out of that trio.
I'm guessing there's going to be a name change then.
If he's fired, fired.
Unless...
I mean, where else are they going to go?
They'd go online only.
I don't think they're ever going to go back to Terrestrial.
What happened last time.
And all the other times before that.
It'd be quite interesting.
Hot from the comfort of the stress.
And then we can watch his pussies all day.
Is that his hot girlfriend?
Oh yeah, they got married.
Now, which is the one that Bam Margera supposedly slept with his wife?
Was it Ant?
No, I think that was Opie, actually.
That was Opie, right?
Supposedly, there's a sex tape out there of Bam Margera and his wife.
Oh, God.
Dark Stranger.
This is taking too long.
Are you seriously going to stay on with this?
No, not anymore.
How is this talking about Opie and Anty?
Let me just call back, see if I can yell at him.
A lot of huck.
It's off the hook now.
Oh, there's more.
I could find more.
This song.
Where's the car that we called?
Hello?
Where did we call?
Call Denny's.
Denny's.
I'd like to order some food for you.
What do you want?
Some egg.
Okay, call back a little later because I feel that you guys playing.
I'm not playing.
I'm hungry, bitch.
Okay, bye.
Cunt.
Bitch.
Where the hell is that?
There she is.
Fucking bitch, man.
okay can you call back because i think you're playing don't be playing bye don't work you
god damn she's like yeah you you can call back and be an asshole to me later not right now
please all right are we going to be able to do at least one prank maybe it is yeah
yeah what would that what would in that case what would we do oh i'm adam marcel yeah 7042014
for one eggs cooked with heat salt with salt never get tired of that stupid joke music you
want it your number he's all over you i give him a number i'll give him another stupid thing
these fucking suck motherfuckers sleepy time tea for dark string this is like this is a shit
has valerian root in it drugs coca leaves you can add your own herbs to the pancakes
special blend
just to answer for me
he just cleared up
the details for his site for me
so I can use those lookup tools
for numbers
see if those work
so the options I have are
super lookup, twitter complainers
yelp check-ins, hotel guests
facebookers, craigslist
and uk wankers
alright uk wankers
I can choose an area
that's pretty cool
Bonsal
Bonsal
Bonsal
Use this tool to find wankers in the UK
That's awesome
I haven't seen this in about two months
No results
Alright, what's a big town there?
Is there a Beckinghamshire?
Or am I just making that up?
Beckinghamshire
Beckingham, here we go
I think the shire part was made up
Alright, Dan and Campbell
I'm gonna go set up my coffee before I fall asleep
you. Worst luck with numbers, so
Dark Stranger. Yeah. Working on a
book. Writing a book like
Brad Carter. No. Shit.
Not yet. It'd be awesome. Does it have pictures?
I don't... Ah! The X-Sheet!
I'm gonna try to attain some old pictures.
Pick. I have to go to Florida to get them.
You're not available now.
What a sad set of numbers.
The music's pissing
me off. Maybe it's the music.
They always answer. They're 24-7.
Damn it. Alright, no UK wankers.
Facebookers. Try something else.
Facebookers. Hotel
Guestises. Let's try that.
Here's someone who's...
Someone says they're at the Hotel
Arundel Preserve. Interesting.
Alright, fine. One minute to go.
I just have her first name?
Let's see. Let's see what the info...
Eh. Oh, I got just a first name, though.
That doesn't help. Okay, here's someone
staying in Hawaii. Got their first and
last name. Alright, let's try to get
a hold of them. I gotta do something better for music.
I'll have to play...
I don't know.
How about the doors?
Why not?
Kristen speaking.
Hey, honey.
How are you?
How are you?
I'm a choo-choo train.
A choo-choo train?
Uh-huh.
I need to speak to Thomas Sanchez.
Allow me to connect you.
Mahalo.
Stay in shape at the fitness center or test your game on the championship golf courses.
Spend the day lounging on our white sand beach.
And if email is a must, each of our 540 guest rooms and suites is equipped with wireless internet access.
At the beach, our renowned Orchid Beach Boys serve a show to the fascinating realm of the ocean.
We'll show you the dozens of resident unu, or Hawaiian green sea turtles, seen feeding near a parking lot.
Police calling.
Is that Thomas?
Who's this?
This is Adam. I'm calling from the front desk, sir.
Well, we have a few complaints.
You have complaints?
Yes.
Well, the first thing is, I understand it's the 4th of July and we're all excited,
but there's no use of fireworks, especially inside the rooms.
Thomas Sanchez
Yeah
Yeah this is
I'm Adam Marcel
I'm with the front desk
We'll talk about
No you come here
Motherfucker
You are coming here
For a
Serious
Serious
Rapper man
I'm gonna put you
Over my knee
And give you
Nice little spanks
Oh yeah
Slip a finger in you
Yeah
Slip a finger in you
I'm a pervert
I'm a pervert
Internet stalker
Okay
I'm perverted
Mmhmm
Okay
Yeah and now that I know
What room you're in
and because the front desk gave it to me,
I'm going to come and look at you.
Yeah, I'm going to be looking and be like,
ooh.
Great.
I'm going to be like, ooh.
Take my breath away.
That was stupid.
Silly and stupid and ridiculous.
Take my breath away.
I was saying hey, I'm going to lose weight.
I'll be watching you.
I should have told them my name is Maverick.
I wish you could play that song at weddings.
You know what the best wedding song is?
It's I'll Be Watching You.
That's what I was just saying.
Yeah, but you know why?
Because the fucking song is about, like, if you leave me, I'm going to stalk you.
It's a stalker song.
It's romantic.
If you dare leave me, bitch, I'm going to stalk you every day.
All I'm going to do is talk about you.
I'm going to take your hairbrush and collect all the old dead hair from it and put it together.
Yeah.
Smell it.
It's like being born in the USA for, well, today.
Yeah.
Fucking USA type song.
Let's see if we can get Big Ivy to answer the phone.
I didn't know you were talking about that song.
I'm sorry.
Anyway.
But Born in the USA is particularly funny.
Born in the USA.
They played it for a truck commercial.
That was funny.
I didn't know you guys knew about that song.
Crazy Skittles is saying that this is better than GTA 5.
You know what?
Turn the music off on GTA 5.
Don't jump in any cars.
Or turn the radio off when you jump in a car.
And fucking just listen to the prank calls, man.
Yeah.
Maybe you can get the...
Put out another...
Yeah.
Alright, more hotel.
More wankers?
No, just people in hotels.
People that have said that they're in a hotel.
That guy's at the Texas Roadhouse.
Did you say in a hotel?
You're a wanker?
The Texas Roadhouse's hotel thought that was like a restaurant.
Oh, let's see.
Motherfuckers are going to be closed, motherfucker.
Okay.
UK wankers.
Trying again.
Thanks, Dashie, by the way, for getting me my login info.
Thanks, buddy.
If you were here, I'd pet you on the head.
Good pony.
Good Dashie.
Witchhead.
No.
Hey, buddy, how are you?
Is that Mr. Turner?
Oh, Mr. Forrest?
Oh, where's Forrest Turner machine at?
He's probably out having a wank, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, do you like to get up sometimes and just wander around and have a wank outside and go back to bed inside, right?
It feels good to go outside and have a wank outside, right?
In the fresh air at night when no one can see you.
He's gone.
when you hear that three beep thing that means they've hung up okay that's when you know
i thought we want to cry
you could be a millionth visitor to this website i'm the millionth visitor to dashie's website
yeah yeah i'd like to get some eggs please hello i don't do well with uk wankers
i'm just keeping it real nancy becky kennedy
City. It's in Los Angeles. And she posted her phone number. Okay. She posted about a
lawsuit. Yeah. Hurricane in North Carolina. We can call that. You guys are going to get
it up there. It's a tropical storm. Yay. Dark Strangers. Rain. Yay. More rain. I actually
could have put on a sweater today. It was that
temperature. I don't care where I
live. It's going to be in the 50s
tomorrow, I understand. Nuts, right?
Yeah. Yeah.
For someone else. Sam.
I hear someone in a Vegas
hotel. They checked in there about
three hours ago. The Mirage
Hotel and Casino doesn't pick up. I'll be
a motherfucker because it's like a
really busy casino.
I hear Las Vegas
is 4th of July. It's really
really cool. I hear it's a fun time. They go all out, apparently. I do drugs. That's
this song. It's called I Do Drugs. I do drugs. You don't have to sing a song about it. We
already know. And I'm gonna die. Hi. Hello? I was just making chit chat. I burped though,
right? I want to know if I can bring my homemade fireworks. Hey, Connie, I need
and carrie kennedy okay is that a guest in a hotel sir no yes yes i said yeah yeah it is okay
you don't say yes like that's me i say yes to you you know come back like yeah that yeah what's that
hello hi yeah i know she hung up or not all right i'll stop messing around maybe i don't want to do
a show but it's not a show it's just call listen listen this is connie i'm the assistant yes i need
you to speak to Mr. Carrie Kennedy, a guest
in your hotel? What's the first name, please?
Carrie. Thank you. You're welcome.
I don't see that name registered.
Kennedy? Kennedy? No.
I don't see that name registered. Motherfucker.
I know they're there. I know they're there.
I think you'd be the front desk. Call in.
Hurry up. Who is she?
She's not the front desk.
This is Gabrielle speaking.
That woman, Connie, is really rude
and nasty and not very smart.
Connie? Yeah. She just transferred
me over to you. Oh, okay.
Okay, where did she transfer you from?
Well, because I needed to speak to a guest there, and she's all like,
like that.
Oh, my God.
She even said that to me.
She's like, I don't understand.
She said that.
I'm like, what are you doing?
I said to her, what are you saying?
She's like, she said, and she was like, menses, menses, she said to me.
What?
Yeah.
Do you know who I'm talking about?
I don't.
That's probably an operator.
Yeah, probably.
She's disgusting.
I'm looking for Kennedy, Mr. Kennedy, Kerry Kennedy.
Okay, do you have the room number?
No, I'm with the transportation.
I just have his name.
Okay, give me one second, okay?
Okay, honey.
You said it's Kennedy and...
Yeah, like the president and Kerry, like John Kerry's last name.
Okay, give me one second, okay?
Okay, honey, baby.
There's in the storm.
That's what I want to hear.
Yeah, that's a good one.
Your music is false, Mariah.
I like to do drugs.
I can't play it over this.
It's a big song at the World Cup.
Did you hear the bridge collapse down there?
Yeah.
Shit.
Awesome.
Good video of it, if you don't mind looking at that stuff.
I know you don't.
You're macabre.
I hate it pretty much.
Do you ever wear black lipstick when you were younger?
No.
Yeah, right.
You're right.
Okay, so I just checked.
We don't have anybody by that name that's staying.
I hear people are really stupid.
You know that?
I hear that.
Okay, was there anything else I could help you with?
Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
Was there anything else I could help you with?
Yeah.
Can you transmit a uh-uh-uh?
Hello?
Yeah.
I can't transfer you to that.
The name is My Kidneys.
Can you transfer that?
Is that Honey Baby, like five minutes ago?
Rush, that's Jason speaking.
I'm going to assist you.
Hey, Honey Baby.
How are you?
I don't know who you're speaking with.
I'm talking to you.
Do you need any assistance from the Rush?
Yeah, I needed to be transferred.
Are you trying to find a guest or something like that, sir?
Yeah, that's right, young man, boy.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Well, if you're going to continue to talk to me in a derogatory manner,
Tanner, I'm not going to be able to assist you, so I'm going to ask you to stop at the
Because I said young man, and I said that I needed to talk to someone.
You called me baby and honey.
You actually spoke to actually one of my clerks.
You actually made her feel very uncomfortable.
I'm going to ask you to stop at this current time.
What can I assist you with?
I need to be transferred to a guest at the hotel.
Okay.
Okay.
And then do you have a first and last name of the guest that you would like to be transferred
to?
Yes, sir.
Yes, I do.
May I have that name?
I'm not sure how to spell it.
If you're not able to write a name or anything like that.
I'm not sure how to spell it.
Actually, hang on.
I'm not sure how to spell it.
It's.
Okay.
Well, unfortunately, if you're not able to spell it, I'm not going to use it with just you.
If you can't, just go ahead and give us a call back when you're ready.
Wow.
Manager.
That's an equal threatening.
You got a point, Corrupt.
This song is about Hurricane Katrina.
Yeah.
Toilet.
Dog without a bone.
That would suck, man.
A boner.
Fairfield by Marriott Kelowna.
Hey!
Hello.
I'd like to talk to a guest there at your wonderful gym.
You're in?
For sure.
For sure?
I'm going to say your last name.
Gonzalez.
Nina.
Just one moment.
Riders on the storm.
Is Nina there?
Yes, speaking.
Oh, good.
I'm calling from the front desk.
How are you?
Okay.
Did you want to ask how I'm doing?
Yes, how are you doing?
Sorry.
I'm not very good because of these complaints I've got.
Of what?
Well, I understand we're all excited about 4th of July, but can you keep the noise down, please?
Are you joking? I'm with my baby and my husband and we're watching TV.
Yeah, the TV's too loud, first of all. Second of all...
What? It's on, like, 5.
Uh, I know, but it's late. It's late. It's past lights out.
Maybe it's time to maybe brush your teeth, maybe use the bathroom and go to bed.
Okay.
okay all right and then i know we're all excited about 4th of july but there's no use of lighting
of fireworks at all on our property especially not inside the room okay this is a joke right
no you've been lighting fireworks in our parking lot and then inside the room we have no fireworks
so i don't know who's complaining well we can see it on the cameras that you were doing it outside
on the parking lot and i don't know who and then we could see it on your cameras on the cameras
is inside the room also. We saw that you were
lighting them in there. Okay, well, can you get your manager
to our room? I'm the manager.
That's bullshit. Hey, wait a minute
now. I'm going to charge you a cursing fee.
$25. Is that what you want?
I totally
forgot Mr. Flock.
Good morning. How can I help you?
Good morning. How are you?
Happy 4th of July.
You having a good 4th of July?
Yes. Oh, God, yeah.
I need to speak to a guest there, please.
Okay, what guest are you?
Christopher M. Gee.
Hi, M. D.
E-M-G-E.
Okay.
Okay, honey.
I get a man that's ringing.
What do you think?
Can you try one more time?
Did you try more than once?
Okay, hold on.
Oh, thanks, honey.
I don't know what you're saying.
Fucking.
Oh, a shithead's here now.
Hey, a shithead.
What an asshole, right?
Yeah, I'm not a shithead.
He's a fucking dickhead asshole, motherfucker, is what he is.
Ding, ding, ding, ding.
Drew.
He sure is.
Can you guys hear me?
Yep, now we hear you better.
Okay, good, good.
Can you hear us?
Yes, yes, hello.
Riders on the stone.
I'm looking for another number, just a moment.
...is also on...
Oh, god damn it.
...the internet now.
I don't see him.
Where is he?
Okay.
Ellie might not be on Skype yet.
It's just on there.
Pretty mature.
We'll get there.
Story of my life.
Let's see if Roger's going to be answering the phone.
Roger's there.
He's there with children, so this will probably wake him up.
Yay.
I keep forgetting that I'm not calling with Skype,
and I keep trying to do it just out of fears of having it.
Stupid me.
Oh, God.
You're so stupid.
I'm 18 years and I'm sent by Marriott.
Agents are currently busy.
However, your call is important to us.
Get down the line and an agent will be waiting for you shortly.
Doing a call about your Cudgelestead.
You got some fucking dildos for sale?
Hey.
Hey.
Yeah, sloths for sale.
You get sloths for sale.
Welcome to Eugene, Oregon, residence 10 by Marriott.
This is Brian.
How can I help you?
Oh, hey, Diane.
How are you?
Yeah, this is Brian.
Yes, what can I do for you?
Yeah, I need to speak to a guest, please.
I'm with the transportation.
So, yeah, what was the guest's name?
McCourt.
Moon?
Yes.
C-C-O-R-T.
Okay.
So I don't have a McQueen in my hotel.
So either it's the wrong hotel or they have a room registered under a different name that they're traveling with or something, another person.
So I don't actually have that last name in my system.
Oh, fucking shit.
Really?
M-C-C-O-R-T?
I'll tell you what.
Let me prop my guest ledger really quick to make sure it hasn't been misspelled or something.
Okay, honey.
Bear with me.
Yeah, bear with me.
Thank you.
Brian, please don't call me honey, sir.
Oh, okay, baby.
I'm sorry.
No one's fucking around with a honey baby today at all.
George claims it's
N-C-C-O-R-T
Not N
Nick Hort
That doesn't make any sense
What name is that?
Doesn't make any sense
I don't know
George spends a lot of time
Rubbing his dick
You know
He's real particular
About being called honey
Or he's female
Did you try out
Dash's new tool?
Yeah
Which one?
Exactly
The new hotel one
That's what I'm doing now
Yeah
That's what I figured
I was asking
Nobody was up
I blame it on
Alright, this guy six hours ago
said his room wasn't ready.
Did it again.
Put it in the wrong thing. Stupid.
Hey, how are you doing, honey?
Hello? Yes, I need to speak to
this is the boxer, correct?
I need to speak to David Holder. He's a guest
there. I'm calling with the transportation.
David Holder, H-O-L-D-E-R.
are that's not coming up what about uh the bass it's like d base hello hello hello hey
oh you listen you listen listen are you listening you're stupid i'm gonna maybe
dwight can spell it right dwight yeah let's look for this uh fucking guy uh so you said he's not
there hello you there buddy whatever you didn't like to you didn't like to cut a dwight dwight's
It's Jim.
Everyone's a cunt tonight.
Did you talk to Ivy Chung yet?
Yeah, I tried.
I thought I tried Ivy Chung.
At the American's Best Value Inn?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's nasty.
All right, let's try Nina again.
She's the one that I got through to sit.
I mean, did she say bullshit or fuck you to me?
I forgot.
Oh, I got a number.
I got that guy from last night who changed his voicemail.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
I heard that.
What the fuck was his name?
I got it on my list.
Do you still have that old lady from last night?
The one that you were talking about bowel movements?
The pizza lady?
Good evening, Fairfield by Mary Exelona.
Is Sarah speaking?
How may I help you?
Oh, I need to speak with Ms. Gonzalez.
Well, apparently she informed me that this is a wonderful prank call.
No, it's not.
No, it's not.
I won't be able to put you through.
no no no it's not i wish you did that so i don't know if you heard but turkish horse left me a new
voicemail apparently he knows my first name now oh yeah yeah you hear that i could play it again
i think i have it here still was he all pissed because i called faisan the other day i didn't
know that he did maybe that's why he called me because i haven't talked to him in like a while
I called Faizan, like, the last two weeks.
Oh, I closed it.
But, yeah, it's out there.
Maybe I'll play it some other day.
I had a good old read here.
He's the one who changed the voicemail.
Preach the medical information line for Church and Dwight.
If you have a human-related medical question, press 1.
For animal-related medical questions, press 2.
Am I pushing 1?
I got a fucking problem.
If it's human or animal-related.
If you have a human-related medical question, press 1.
Hey, when do you hit one?
I want to see if that works.
No, it doesn't.
I got to do it.
Jesus Christ.
What?
It's a human-related medical question.
Press 1.
For animal-related medical questions, press 2.
You have a human-related medical question.
Press 1.
For animal-related medical questions, press 2.
She's trolling you.
She's actually on the line.
It's not even a recording.
Press 1.
For animal-related medical questions, press 2.
never mind if you have a human related question press one for great number thank you
i guess he broke it that's probably my setup all right this is the voicemail change you got
your password you remember what it is yeah it's just one two three four i don't know i'll never
guess that probably not you fed one you had that one that went for months remember yeah
Then he changed it and I demanded
control back.
Do you still have Boss Nigger out for download?
That movie?
You mean the link I sent you?
Yeah, is that still good?
Yeah, it's still good.
I can't answer my phone right now because I'm really busy
and fucking important.
If you want to come see me, I'm probably down
at the fucking Glover Hill over on
Palm Street.
I didn't...
Did you hit pound?
No, I hit star.
Yeah, you hit pound on that one.
Oh.
That was star.
Turn it again.
So what, is that really loud for you guys?
Just the tones are incredibly loud.
And, like, really sharp.
Yeah, I did.
Please enter your password.
Pound.
Thank you.
You now have the deleted message recovery feature in your mailbox.
This feature allows you to review messages that you have previously erased during your mailbox session.
Okay.
here. To review messages you have
erased while using your mailbox, go
to the main menu and press 1-9.
Shut up, bitch. While listening
to erased messages, you can use
any of the available message review options.
If you erase a message
from the erased message queue, it is
permanently removed from your mailbox.
When you exit your mailbox,
all erased messages are permanently
removed. To repeat, press
1. To continue, press
2. You now have the deleted message
recovery feature. Oh, I had to repeat it.
This feature allows you to review messages that you have previously erased during your mailbox session.
To review messages you have erased while using your mailbox, go to the main menu and press 1-9.
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To repeat, press 1.
To continue, press 2.
You have two unheard messages.
First unheard message.
Hey, how you doing there, Mr. Johnson?
This is Dwight down here at the hut.
Just calling to touch base with you as a valued customer.
Wanted to make sure everything was all right with your pizza.
If anything seems to be wrong, give me a call back here.
I'll be here all night.
I don't normally say this, but that's a very interesting voicemail greeting you got there.
That's kind of fantastic there, Valley Star.
All right, I'll talk to you later.
End of message.
To delete this message, press 7.
To save it in the archives, message deleted.
Deleted. Next message.
This is going to be my fucking phone.
Did you?
Message deleted. End of messages.
Alright, well, that's all we got.
It's a work in progress.
At least we know he's got some alerts saying he had voicemail and he's not able to get in.
Well, my favorite was, it was a hooker, I thought.
I could have sworn it was a prostitute.
Oh, that we had Pulcher fucking change it, right?
Well, you had changed it and you kept getting it like the customers.
One of them was like, I don't know if you know,
but I think someone hacked into your voicemail there.
Yeah, there was a hooker one.
I think it was, oh, no, that was the one he was calling about the dog.
The dog.
And the guy was being an asshole when we called him,
so we fucking changed it to something, like, really fucked up.
And, I mean, you called the guy that called about the dog.
He was at the military base.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Well, I called back, and he wasn't there.
but it was like some other cat i guess and he called me back saying he was going to trace me
that he thought i was in maryland and he was he was tracing me so i think it was maryland
it was something weird like that or texas or something i don't know that's weird about the
turkish horse by the way knowing your first name now some asshole probably dropped in that now
my info i'll be my true someone called him and said oh
well there was that one page out there was like oh he brings calls the turkish kitchen
and they put your shit out there for Charlie, too.
You got that one removed.
I found it.
I got it removed.
You got it removed.
There's still another one out there that has that.
They always repaste them.
Yeah.
Assholes.
It always gets repasted.
I told him.
I was like, this is bullshit.
He must have agreed because he removed it from the page like two days later.
Yeah.
Well, it's on me.
I should be able to figure it out myself, too, I guess.
Hang on.
I'm going to find it here to play for you.
I think you'd enjoy it.
i was telling people the other day about the turkish horse they're like what's it what's
the story with him and i started telling them about how he's like oh he's calling you go why
don't you answer the phone whose cock are you sucking well he he tell asked me about sucking
cock your true love indeed and this all started with jim stewart pranking him to be honest well
even better is when we got him at home and he tried no no you got the wrong number yeah right
didn't milkman go and like take pictures of him and yeah yeah he's been there and we another
Another listener on Facebook was right inside, like, ordered food and everything.
Oh, yeah, I saw those close-up fucking pictures somebody did inside.
He's got the shawarma thing going on, that big beef blend that's on the pincers.
I've seen that, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, he's got that going on.
All right, listen.
Here it is, 15 seconds.
Hey, Cuddles.
That's his fucking M.O.
Every voicemail he leaves, that's his shit.
So, sucking cock, and then he says other shit, like,
Like, apparently he was saying in Turkish that he wanted to dig up my mom's body from the funeral.
I think he always gets fucking loaded.
He's like, I'm going to call this motherfucker.
He just calls every once in a while to insult me.
He probably has a list of people he hates and just calls them all.
All right, here it is.
Here it is again.
Hey, Carlos.
Fun, dude.
Sounds so much better in an accent.
You know who I would love to have talk to?
the turkish horse is uh number six so we tried to run through that black guy you probably didn't
hear that call but i kept i kept threatening him if he moved in with us and he fell asleep
during a party by fall we're gonna be in his mouth yeah okay i don't think i remember that
told him i was a chronic masturbator and he must look me in the eyes while i masturbate
well the greek guy would be funny from last week from uh the usa i still gotta pull that up and
listen to that they have it out real bad yeah they would fucking go at it right because the
one guy's greek this turkish guy talks about fucking greeks all the time and that greek guy
is at least as angry as the turkish horse is yeah totally he's he's there they're the polar
what if they actually like agreed to disagree or you know like they actually
what if they actually killed each other like honestly yeah think about that
sloth and i got the cops called a couple times last night
doubted i think most of the time it's just threats i think maybe that old lady did but i think that's
the only one one where we accused the old man the old woman was smoking the marijuana and having a
second room to hide the drugs no i'm gonna say it was the old late um we got real sexual with her
pizza lady the one that carly was just trying to call but the phone was busy yeah it was busy i
could try it again and maybe she was on the phone oh yeah that was her told her you wanted
to give her just the tip dude that's is that that is the old lady who you said dwight had
taken a shit right oh no i said he was delivering the pizza and she only gave him a dollar tip
so he took a dump on her front step she didn't get it like she took a shit what
you know it's like he moved his bowels i just explained it to her like 15 different ways i'm
uh he defecated what uh he moved his bowels what he took a shit out in front step lady
no she said moved his bowels i was like yeah she then she's like he moved his bowels oh my god
it was like three steps ago lady uh she left it i just can't comprehend that though i'd like
someone to do that fuck potty potty talk you can't well the best was i told her i was like
yeah you gave him a uh you didn't give him a big enough tip so he came back he was pissed and
And she's like, I gave him a dollar.
And it's like, well, no wonder he was pissed.
That is a shitty tip.
That is an old person tip.
Or, no offense, a black person tip.
I was waiting for that.
I'm just saying.
I should have busted out the fucking Carlito line.
Yeah, this always happens with you people.
Yeah.
I'm just saying.
I've heard of them, black people at restaurants.
I've heard them referred to among the staff, the wait staff, as non-profits.
You know, like, oh, I got these non-profits over here.
Gosh, shit, I got two non-profits in my section.
I thought that was a thing.
When I heard about that, that's hilarious.
Fucking old lady from last night in a hotel.
Two rooms because their daughter was coming in for a wedding.
Hey, what's going on tonight?
Hi, my name is Aaron.
How may I help you?
Hi, Aaron.
How you doing, honey?
Oh, I'm doing pretty good.
What's up?
Oh, I'm good, babe.
I wanted to make an order.
No problem.
Give me one second, okay?
For you tonight.
And there you go.
There you go.
Yeah, one eggs.
That's it?
Yes.
All right, definitely.
How do you want it cooked?
With heat.
With heat?
With heat.
Okay, I can do that.
Okay.
One bread.
You want some bread?
Yeah.
Okay, white whole wheat or sourdough?
Baked bread.
And what else?
I like that cooked also.
Definitely.
With heat.
Okay.
Okay.
One breakfast meat.
Okay, do you want ham, sausage, or bacon?
Pork.
Okay.
Cook that to an internal temperature of like 350 degrees.
To 350?
Yes.
Okay.
Okay.
All right, I'm going to put someone else on.
I'm tired of this premise.
I choose Mr. Dwight.
How you doing?
I need to add on to the order there, pal.
Okay.
Let me see here.
Do you got the fucking scrambled eggs?
I'm sorry?
Scrambled eggs.
You got those?
Yes, sir.
I have scrambled eggs.
All right.
Let me get two orders of scrambled eggs, but put them in one container.
Two orders of scrambled eggs in one container?
Yeah.
I want them together.
Something like that in one container.
Definitely.
And then I need you to take that container and shove it right up your ass.
I'm sorry?
I need you to take that container after you're done cooking those eggs
and shove them right up your ass.
Can I watch?
No.
I heard his feelings.
You sure did, Dwight.
That was pretty easy.
I heard his feelings.
He didn't last very long.
Yeah, that lady last night, I told him they had to strip down
so we'd come in and do a drug search.
And he didn't like it.
And then I explained it to her and she started fucking flipping out.
And I told him he was hiding the drugs in the other room
him and he's in there coughing. He's like, I got
asthma. And I'm like, no sir, that's not an asthma cough.
That is a marijuana cough.
We're taking hits.
How about the piss in the
sauce? That was alright.
Sloth shut me down on that.
I like to make
an order.
One
All-American Slam. One
Grand Slamwich. One
Fit Slam. One Lumberjack
jackslam, one french toast
slam. I need to know how you want
all these eggs on the slam tray. I need them
cooked. How do you want them
cooked? With heat. One
Belgian waffle slam, one
build your own grand slam, one
ham and cheese omelette, one meat
lovers omelette, one philly cheesesteak
omelette, one ultimate omelette,
one new loaded veggie omelette.
You getting all this?
This sounds good.
Cinnamon pancake breakfast. Yeah.
Ask about her cinnamon pancake.
You could get a taste of her pancakes.
Here's a different one.
She stopped answering.
It's my fault.
Yeah, one cinnamon breakfast pancake, one Fit Fair veggie skillet,
one peanut butter cup pancake breakfast,
one T-bone steak and eggs, one banana pecan pancake breakfast.
I don't pay you enough for this shit.
oh hello hello shit yeah one t-bone steak and eggs one cinnamon pancake breakfast
one santa fe skillet hello can you hear me yeah one ultimate skillet one moon
moons over miami yeah one country fried steak and eggs adam adam 705-2014
one cinnamon pancake breakfast one blueberry pancake one peanut butter cup pancake one
One T-bone steak and eggs, one Santa Fe skillet, one hearty breakfast skillet, one Fit Fair veggie skillet.
I can't do that order.
Why?
Why?
No, it'll take longer because I have a lot to order.
But order that.
I have more.
I have more.
One lumberjack slam.
Do I have to come in and do that?
Can you just write it down, and then when I come in, you just fire it up then?
Can you come in and do it?
No, no.
Write it down and hold on to it.
Now, when I come in and I'll point at you, you'll be like, go.
And then you start it.
Blueberry, pancakes, peanut butter, T-bone, Santa Fe.
Yeah, hearty breakfast, fit fair, ultimate skillet, moons over my hammy, country fried steak and eggs.
Okay, you're going to have to come in and do that.
Build your own, why?
But you just said it was okay.
You're just writing things down.
No, I didn't say that.
You just write, you're writing things down, you lazy motherfucker.
I'm not talking to you, motherfucker.
Write it down, lazy bitch.
What the world?
I just about spit a mouthful of beer all over my monitor.
You fucking lazy bitch.
i told that to a lady last night she's like come up to my room if there's a problem and i got the
hug but i'm the line i was like your wife said if i got a motherfucker to come up to the room
he's like i was sitting right here she didn't see that didn't you have someone also tell you
like don't you talk to my wife like that did that happen his love was on there and uh he was like
sir don't you say motherfucker he's the guy's like i didn't say that he's like you said mfr i heard
yeah yeah no no the guy said mf initially he was like he's like i did not say mf mf any other ideas
place a second call or it's one o'clock i should leave i should put some numbers in the main window
there no more because i should be to be honest all right yeah i gotta work tomorrow i gotta be
up six o'clock oh yeah my bad shit when do you go on can you go on you got your shit together
don't you oh you did i don't have it uh set up all the way yet and i don't have any credit
it. Clevent.
Well, don't you answer your phone.
For your cock.
Just buy the US subscription. It's like $2.99.
Damn, but I don't have a card,
so I gotta go out and get a prepaid card and
shit. Why don't you have a card?
I don't even have a bank account, fucks. What?
Oh my god. Yeah, that's right. Where do you do your
banking at, Amscot? Where do you live?
Home.
Are you a felon?
You're a felon, huh?
Yeah, we're gonna come find your money. It's in a shoebox.
it's in my mattress motherfucker
hi honey how are you
I want to talk to Peter Boudich
no there's no one here by that name I'm sorry
it's a name yeah
yeah there's no one here by that name
did you get the name precisely as I said it
Peter Boudich yep
there's no one here by that name
how is it spelled
I don't know how it's spelled
so then you didn't look it up
this is a pub
So we don't have a computer to look up names.
I know the staff members who work here.
We do not have a Peter about us here.
Oh, you don't even have a computer there?
No.
I thought it was a hotel.
No, we're a pub.
Oh, can you ask for Peter then?
There is no Peter here, I'm sorry.
Is there no one there?
No, there's no Peter that works here.
No, there's not a worker, it's a guest there.
Yeah, but we're a pub, so we do not have a combination.
So there's no guest by that name at all, because we don't have guests here.
Oh, you don't have telephone there.
Telephone server.
People to you, right?
No, we have to call someone now, but stop.
It's staff only?
I thought those were hotel numbers, Dwight.
It's supposed to be Paragon Hotel.
Something in Hawaii.
If you guys help me with numbers, I'll go on another half hour.
I'm going to pay for it tomorrow.
Oh, shit.
What type of people you want?
People that answer the phone.
Because I haven't had much of that today.
Anything, man.
Anything.
Surprise me.
I have a sandwich here.
I'm going to eat it on the line.
So do either of you know, what was the controversy with, who's the guy from the Doors?
Please help me.
I don't listen to this movie that much.
Tim Morrison?
Yeah.
Wasn't there a thing where there's a broad who says that she married him and some kind
of Wiccan thing and she's supposed to be getting his estate, but she didn't?
Never heard of that.
Never?
No.
I bet Google knows.
putting some uh rascals chicken and waffles down there for you you think they're open yeah
usually they're open till about midnight oh shit this is an angle wood yeah what's up no good when
you want to talk go ahead guys i'm gonna eat my sandwich okay follow me put it you put it in the
wrong thing you get nothing ah damn it i'm gonna be doing that for like years drugs are good okay
call him let this play yeah i'll leave it let me go back by the way we could only have sloth
called ken white again i don't do we still have his armor you told one of them it's one of these
ones that i gave you that i was gonna take her she was black i told her i was gonna put her ass
on a flat top grill give me some of that dark meat she's like oh no no you ain't talking to
to be like that i have some old church people numbers in tennessee see the pickup yeah you're
doing uh what is this number i called roscoe this is the roscoe's yeah yeah uh you guys got
any specials tonight how late you open we're open until 3 a.m that's what fantastic uh what
are your specials tonight for the uh fucking fourth of july here we don't have any specials
everything's the same time uh you got anything that's like uh dark meat um i'm not sure uh what
about you sweetie are you uh are you dark meat are you ethnic no sorry are you white no sorry
you're playing games with my hods bitch you know what i'd like to do is i'd like to uh put your
ass on the flat top grill and just smell that dark meat so what are you doing later she hung up
I want to put some mayonnaise like all over your vagina and just eat the shit out of it
I always try to say that she smelled like bologna and fucking mayonnaise okay bitch
I heard that when white people are wet they smell like uh potato sacks
points yeah that's what i've heard i can kind of see that i think the omg chain might be closed
but rocks goes is open three similar businesses to connect to whatever um church song church
these are churches do you think they'll answer no it's church people uh they belong to that church
up at the top uh with that pastor and these are actually the ones that dwight and i like i got
out of a directory and i set up we didn't use them we sent them to brent westwood he called
the first one and they didn't pick up so then he didn't use them either so these are actually
fresh fresh okay i put a new hotel one at the bottom too
yum yum yum yum i'll do edwards bob and sarah edwards to pick up it's real annoying
very old lady named bernie dickerson
Dickerson
Yes, hi, this is Father Morgan
How are you? This is Ms. Stevens
Yes
I'm calling from the church
We're calling all the
Pastor Donald just passed away
What?
Pastor Donald at Skyline Heights Baptist Church
He just passed away
What are you talking about?
There was, he apparently lit his house on fire
On purpose
He got upset and he poured gasoline
On this driveway
driveway and he put fireworks inside his house and lit them off. Who
is this
this is brother morgan we're having an emergency service right now at the church pray for his soul
okay do you think you can make it i need to hold on okay okay can you start from the beginning
My name is Brother Morgan.
And who are you calling?
Ms. Stevens. This is Ms. Stevens, correct?
Yes.
Yeah.
Brother Morgan, do I know you?
Well, I work in the administrative office.
I'm having a hard time believing this.
Why?
All right, so anyway, I hope you can believe me.
Pastor Donald just passed away.
He committed arson on his house, and he stayed inside the house while it was burning down.
He lit fireworks inside the house, like on purpose.
Okay, hold on just a minute.
Okay.
Okay.
Hey, it's Chad.
Yes.
God bless you, brother.
How are you, sir?
I'm good.
I'm sorry to call so early in the morning, but my name is Brother Morgan.
I'm with the church.
Pastor Donald just committed suicide.
He burned down his house on purpose after having an argument, and he's passed away,
and we're going to have to have an emergency service for him to pray for his soul.
Hey, help.
I'm sorry?
Who did you say you were with?
Skyline Heights Baptist.
us? Your name is? Brother Morgan. Brother Morgan. Yes. Okay. I'm different, buddy. I know. The kids
call me bro-mo. Bro-mo? Yeah. That's a pretty sick joke, buddy. It's not sick. It's sad. It's a sad
event that's happened, but it's not sick or a joke. He went in there. He was like, oh, Enoch,
Enoch. He was saying, he kept saying Enoch, Enoch. And he was masturbating and the fire was going on.
and he was like, oh, yeah, I'm coming, like that.
Like, oh, yeah, all the way, all the way, he said, like that.
And he said, top of the world.
And the fireworks are going off all around.
They're like, pow, pow, pow.
Hey, buddy, what do you need to do?
You just lose this phone number, okay?
No, I can't lose it.
It's on computer, so for me to lose it,
I'd have to, like, wipe my hard drive and stuff.
That'd be a good idea.
How many passes do you think I should do?
You're a strange fellow, buddy.
How many passes should I do on the hard, like, the wipe on the hard drive?
Like 10?
Okay.
I'm just wondering, though, make sure you get all the bits.
Gotta get all the bits.
Really sick joke, you guys.
But it was fucking hilarious.
Yeah.
I think we're all going to hell for laughing about it.
But at least I'll be a good company.
You guys want to do one?
Go ahead.
Work down the curry.
James?
James?
Hello?
James!
Yeah!
Yeah, I'm putting Dwight on the line for you.
Dwight, please, talk to James McCurry.
Good evening, James.
How are you tonight?
This is Dwight, I'm with the church
We got some bad news tonight
I don't know how to tell you this
But the pastor, he died tonight
He set his house on fire on accident
He was lighting off a firework show for the children
And one of the little flare rings came off
off and lit the roof on fire and he couldn't make it out in time oh wow so we're here we're having
emergency mass at the church tonight to pray for his soul yeah is there any way you could come
come down i'll try yes i mean if you can make it be great we're calling the congregation in
okay it's uh it's so unexpected i mean he was so full of life i just i just spoke to him not
not even three hours ago, and he was fine.
Yeah?
Oh.
I just can't believe it.
When they're meeting at the church.
What's that?
What time they're meeting at the church.
We're getting down there right now.
We're trying to plan it out for, like, the next half hour.
Okay.
All right.
Can you bring something for me to the church?
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, can you bring me a bottle of Jack?
Yeah, okay.
Bring me a bottle of Jack.
I got the Coke.
we'll mix up some shit
but make sure
take your time James, no hurry
we're getting everybody together
we're going to unlock the church, we're going to go in
Mary is bringing the disco ball
and I got the
Stevens bringing some
Jaeger
I had his ass hooked too
he keeps saying like
the reason I started doing the fake crying
is I couldn't find the fucking pastor's name
so I'm scanning through Skype
i know i said 30 minutes but i'm leaving now sorry
heavy masturbation
bye thank you waking shire
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