Is You Is Or Is You Ain’t?

you little monkey

you're listening to the madhouse

radio prankcast

I love being

vomited on

I want a Roman shower

oh I'm

I'm okay I'm about 72%

today I wanted to confirm

you have all the machines that come on they go like that the machine goes on it goes

like that yeah wow and how do you get the are those real those aren't real animals right

no okay they're like autoerotic or whatever it is yes animatronics okay autoerotica awesome

okay dude is there a part where you guys show um where they put the the eggs at the eggs is

Is there a part where you guys show where you put the eggs in the tour?

You know, like the eggs, there's a machine that holds the egg and the baby comes out of it.

The baby animal comes out of it and breaks the shell.

And there's an Asian guy there and he's like, oh, I was hoping this would happen before I had to take the boat out of the island because of the hurricane that's coming.

No, we don't have that.

You don't?

Do you have the big movie screen there?

The big television screen?

no we do not does it have all the music we do have a thunderstorm and it explains everything

right it says that they use they use the frog dna no sir it doesn't do that part no it doesn't have

the part where you get inside the ford explorer that's painted different and you go down on the

rails it goes down like me no that's probably a different rainforest cafe that you're and yeah

Yeah, but the big doors open, and you go through the gate, the big doors open, and then it stops where the Dilophosaurus is?

No, not here.

And then it goes by the Tyrannosaur paddock?

No, sir, we don't have that here.

Oh, wow. Okay. Do you have the Stegosaurus machine there?

No, we don't have any dinosaurs here.

No dinosaurs. What kind of animals do you have there?

We have gorillas, the tiger, pandas, monkeys, and elephants.

And the gorillas talk and everything?

No, they just make noise.

They just make, well, they act like they're talking, right?

I'm sorry?

Do they act like they're talking, or what happens?

Do they make noise?

Kind of, yeah, their mouth moves.

Yeah, their mouth moves?

Okay, do the eyes move around?

Yeah.

Okay, how big are the sexual organs on the gorillas?

Hello?

How big are the sexual organs on the gorillas?

I'm not comfortable displaying that information.

Was there anything else that I can help you with?

Does it have the sexual organs on it?

Does that move also?

It doesn't move also?

Do they have nipples on them?

Was there anything with them?

Yeah, does the gorilla have nipples on it, on the fake gorilla, the machine, gorilla machine?

Yes, they look real.

It has nipples on it?

Okay.

All right, that's good.

How does it smell?

I do mind, yeah.

Pick up the other line, just one moment.

Is the other line ringing?

Yes.

Oh, maybe someone's calling in.

Maybe you should get that.

One second.

Okay.

Security seating, dining rewards, and retail discounts are just some of the benefits members enjoy at Rainforest Cafe

and over 300 Landry's-owned locations nationwide.

Ask us for more details.

Hi.

This is Danny. How can I help you?

Hi. Hi.

Sir?

Yeah, the Gorilla Machine, does it have nipples on it?

There's nothing inappropriate if it has nipples on it.

I'm just curious if it's a smooth chest or if it has nipples.

How big are the sexual organs on the Gorilla?

Can the Gorillaz play Clint Eastwood or Steelo or anything like that?

No.

Maybe.

No.

press zero are you still there i said zero motherfucker fucking dtmf dtmf motherfuckers

hello hello yeah what happened hello because she heard she caught me in the middle of saying dtmf

motherfuckers because i hate that dtmf shit over the internet always a fucking piece of shit always

an asshole faxing using a cable internet line or voip line used to be a piece of shit back in the

the day i remember and then they finally figured out to make that work okay why can't why haven't

they figured out how to make the dtmf tones work right you know what pisses me off is when when uh

there's other people on a conference and you're having to put in tones to get to a department or

whatever it is and they everyone else on the conference wants to take the time to yell and

talk really loud and entertain everyone with their bullshit and it messes up when you're

trying to dial the options stupid a lot of shows that have that problem a lot of people around here

that have that problem and that's the mark of an amateur and a real perfection

that's the difference that you get from between a shitty prank caller and a good prank caller

there's one who understands shit like that on that level

I would have to say everybody

on this network except for Ken

because he hasn't really done a show yet

has proven that they know how to handle that

Tryna check my homie, you best check yourself

Cause when you're this straight, you're this yourself

This yourself, motherfucker

Yeah, nigger

I don't want you goddamn motherfuckin' daisy-dude motherfuckers fuckin' with me

Yeah, motherfucker

Yeah

Shoot your gun in the air

Yeah

Yeah, shoot your gun up in the air when you hear this song, this part of it

Yeah

Empty like ten clips up in the air, motherfucker

Rock Cafe San Antonio

If you know your party's extension, you can dial us at any time

Thank you for calling Hard Rock Cafe San Antonio, this is Andrea speaking, how can I help you at all?

Hello, how are you?

How are you, sir?

I'm good, are you a spinner?

What's that?

I didn't know if you had that going on over there.

Going on, I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.

The spinner thing, the spinner?

No, we don't have any spinners.

Nothing like that, okay, alright.

All right.

Hey, I just left the Rainforest Cafe.

I got into an argument over there with the staff.

You know the one I'm talking about?

You guys are right next to it, kind of, right?

Like, it's on the other side of the river, parallel to us.

It was parallel.

It's real close, right?

But just on the other side of the river.

Right.

So I'm leaving that place because, like, the gorillas, they have, like, these fake animatronics, you know?

Uh-huh.

And they have, like, the gorillas and everything.

And the gorillas have, like, they put sexual organs on it, you know?

Wait, what?

the gorillas have sexual organs on them and everything and it's all animatronic so i couldn't

i got into an argument i said that wasn't proper they said that it wasn't their yeah they said it

wasn't their fault that it was i guess some teenagers that were there for graduation and

they had like attached some of the food to make it look like sexual organs and they were like oh

my god we didn't know they were giggling they gave me some kind of bullcrap answer about why

it was happening but apparently they put sexual organs on the animatronic animals there and make

you look at it like it was like a hot dog and it was flopping around and everything yeah it was

disgusting so what are you making this up no so what theming do you have yeah what theming do you

have there do you have like guitars famous people stuff memorabilia from different um artists who

are either past or still alive like who we have buddy holly we have willie nelson selena um we

have selena the dead mexican what do you have her panties we wish no we have a pantsuit that she wore

here in 1995 she wore it in 1995 a pantsuit yeah that was right before she um passed away was she

uh did she was it washed after she wore it so oh nice i can't get through the glass to smell it

Okay, well, can I bring a baseball bat with me?

It'll probably make people uncomfortable.

Okay.

All right, how thick is the glass, do you think?

It's kind of like plexiglass.

You wouldn't be able to break it.

Are there any power outlets, like in the bathroom or anything like that?

We don't even have any power outlets.

In the whole place?

Yep, we have one right in front of us, right next to the pillar.

I mean, it's on a pillar right next to our host stand.

Okay.

okay then i can so i can take the fixture down and bring it there i'll bring in my drill you're

funny yeah because i want to smell selena because she's all dead and stuff you know maybe she was

menstruating when she wore that you think maybe yeah she's she was like a she was like a dirty

mexican so she probably had like a real funky coochie and shit asshole probably wasn't clean

right because she was like a monkey they put sexual organs on the gorilla animatronic gorilla

Alright, well, is there anything else I can help you with?

Well, yeah.

What's the best time you think where I could take that off the wall,

go behind that little podium there,

and drill into it and pull out the pantsuit?

What the fuck is this song?

Oh, yeah.

It's the Hard Rock Cafe.

Thanks for making me a whole ticket to hang up on me.

Your call could not be complete.

I don't want to talk to Fogo the show.

I'm sorry.

They must be out of business.

Shit.

Hey, how are you, stupid?

What?

How you doing?

Who's this?

It's Cross.

I think you're talking to the wrong person.

Yeah, this is the Helton.

Did you call me stupid?

Oh, just like joking around.

I'll say that.

It's like a term of endearment.

I guess.

Me and my buddies were like, hey, what's up, stupid?

Like that.

like this i guess how can i help oh i need to speak is there a concierge up in this sure

i'll connect you hold on hurry up well that's what she said whoa captain good service alex

may i help you oh hey how are you doing ma'am i'm doing great sir yes ma'am thank you you're

the concierge then buddy uh i'm a guy yes sir oh good you're the concierge i said yes sir

may i help you yeah i needed to get some information here i need you to help me out

out and pass this on to me as soon as possible preferably i can hold i need the location of the

rainforest cafe i need to know if they have animatronic gorillas there inside and i need

to have some specific details about the gorillas that are in there uh i'm gonna have to put you

on hold dad because i have to call them see what's going on with that okay can i call you back to

your room number um can i hold please oh sure or can you conference me okay fine thank you can

Can I assist you?

Who's this?

This is Amanda.

Where from?

The Hilton Plaza, Rio.

Yeah.

Are you with the concierge?

Yes, sir.

So did you find out the information for me?

Excuse me.

Who were you speaking to before?

Alex.

Alex?

Yeah.

Okay.

And what information were you needing to find out?

It's regarding the Rainforest Cafe.

I need to know about the gorillas in there.

The gorillas?

Mm-hmm.

What you're saying is the gorillas?

Yeah, there's gorillas inside the Rainforest Cafe.

Let me double check.

I've been to the Rainforest Cafe, and there's no gorillas in the Rainforest Cafe.

That's what I'm trying to confirm.

What's Alex doing?

Where did he go?

He's busy with a guest right now.

Is he talking about my thing?

Because he said he was going to find out and come back and find out.

He's busy right now with a guest, but if you want to, he's about to be done right now, sir.

If you want to just wait just a minute, and he'll be done.

I need to find out.

Please, or you, or you do it, please, okay?

If there's gorillas in the Rainforest Cafe.

Yeah, one of you need to call them and ask them about the gorillas.

Louisiana has some specific questions about the gorillas, but call them and ask them first,

please. Okay. All right. And this is calling from 9-3-7-5-5-5-1-2-1-2. Yeah, but I need to hold.

This is important. One moment. Let me go ahead. Can I go ahead and put you on hold so I can find

out? Okay, honey. All right. One moment. Wake up in the morning and fall back to sleep. Think I'm

gonna stay in bed till tonight. Lately, all I care about is you and me. Oh, what a nice song.

Oh, I just have you in my life.

I'm saying my sister.

Hey, how are you? Is this Alex?

No, these are the other guests. I'm my sister, sir.

Okay, listen. I just talked to Alex and then some lady over there.

And there's two people working on my issue now. So what are you going to do?

What is your sermon? They're both my guests right now. I just picked up the phone.

But why is she going to a guest now?

Why does she say she's going to find out from me that she goes and helps a guest out?

I don't understand.

Well, oh, uh, was this, you were asking about electronic gorillas at the Rainforest Cafe?

They actually don't have any animatronic animals in them inside.

God damn it.

Where can I find gorillas in San Antonio?

No, no, we don't have any, not even our zoo has them.

Can you confirm that the zoo has them, please?

No, no, no, the zoo does not have them.

The zoo doesn't have gorillas?

No, they're endangered species.

Yeah, but they're in zoos.

No, uh, I apologize, but the San Antonio Zoo does not have gorillas.

Well, what kind of animals does the San Antonio Zoo have?

The rarest of animals they have is a tiger.

Other than that, they have also elephants and zebras and giraffes.

Oh, that's a bull crap.

A lot of herd animals.

But yeah, they don't have a lot of leisure species.

They don't have any hardcore animals?

They have lions and bears.

Yeah, bears aren't really hardcore.

Lions are very passe because they're circus level, you know?

Elephants are circus level, too.

So they're kind of, you know, now when we talk about, you know, tigers, leopards, I like gorillas, dolphins.

How big are the sexual organs on the tigers then that they have?

I'm not too sure.

Or the lions then, how big are their sexual organs?

I don't know. That's not really a question that we would have the answer to.

Yeah, but can you find out? Can you call and find out?

So the number to reach you is 937-555-1212.

Yeah, but I'm going to hold for the information.

I don't have time to wait like that for a callback.

May I ask the reason why you need to find out the size of the genitals of a lion?

It has to do with my family and our beliefs.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Give me one second.

Okay.

What was that?

I don't know.

I'm talking to another concierge.

Oh, what happened?

What did you say about me?

No, I said I was talking to him about the phone.

Oh.

The other phone.

Oh, okay.

Okay, I hope so.

Was I still waiting on you, or what was happening?

Yeah, I'm looking up Wikipedia.

Okay.

Can you answer the computer right there?

Answer the computer.

I don't know if it's off or not.

Is there one more time, sir?

Sure, buddy.

What is he looking up?

Lion genitals?

I got to hear this.

I just got, I'm invested now to see if he's actually going to find out the size of a lion's private parts.

What is this music?

She can go ahead and speak to you.

Okay, she can.

Thank you.

All right.

You, I don't think you can.

I was already being helped out.

May I help you, sir?

I already explained this to Alex and the other guy and the girl.

Do I really know what you're calling them on behalf of?

Well, they're looking into, first of all, that the gorillas, that they have animatronic gorillas at the Rainforest Cafe.

Yeah, do they have animatronic gorillas?

You're going to have to discuss with them.

Well, they said no, but you were the concierge, though.

You would be at the Rainforest Cafe because we don't have that information.

I can't, I can't, but you have, you're supposed to have all the tools you need to contact them and be able to find out the dimensions.

You don't have a telephone? You don't have a telephone to call them and ask? What is this?

This wasn't an appropriate question that you asked.

It wasn't inappropriate. I'm trying to find out the animals that are at the San Antonio Zoo that I want to go to tomorrow with my daughter.

but i don't i need to make sure that the animals what kind of animals they have and i need to make

sure that their sexual organs aren't going to be showing too much to bother her okay that is not

something that we have control of the animals over there at the zoo that's something that you

need to contact the zoo regarding yeah but that's no those are not questions that we will answer for

you what is the concierge supposed to do then what good are you for appropriate i'm the front

an office manager here oh well put me through to the concierge again put me through the concierge

again well let me talk to a man then please they're they're busy right now well i don't

need to talk to a woman to get help because you're messing up because the two men that i

talked to were taking care of me taking care just fine this is going to be recorded okay

it is going to be in the future in the future you're going to record it

stupid this is going to be recorded re maybe she said reported i heard recorded what did

you guys hear tell me in the comments and in the chat room

all the mixler uh chatters are confirming recorded check this out the irc chatters are

They're resorted, retorted.

I'm stupid.

Well, how about we play a little bit of Lowe's roulette, huh?

Let's find out Lowe's.

We had fun with this last weekend.

Last weekend, we called some Lowe's home improvement stores and played roulette with the options on their phone tree.

The way this goes is I ask you to log in to the IRC chat room.

When I say go, everyone's going to post their numbers between, oh, what was it?

I forget the options.

What were the options?

I guess one through eight.

All right, so everyone throw in their numbers, options one through eight.

I will type the word poop in the chat room.

And the first one that comes in after I type the word poop will win, will be the one I use.

All right, so we're starting this in three, two, one, go.

Tabachi puts in pi, 3.14.

We'll round that down to three.

so we'll be doing option three.

Here we go.

For calling loads.

Instrucciones en espanol, marque tres.

For directions to the store, press one.

For store hours, press two.

To reach a department directly, press five.

Or to speak with the operator, press...

For information on deliveries, press one.

Transferring to commercial sales.

Please hold.

Let's see if commercial sales is open.

Is this commercial sales?

Commercial sales is actually closed on Sundays.

Who else is open right now?

Um, who's commercials, like, which other Lowe's commercial sales?

No, like, anyone's open there, you know?

What are you trying to inquiry about?

I need to fix the machine. I need to make it go.

Oh, uh, why don't you just transfer it over to a manager?

Yeah, because the machine doesn't go.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, okay.

He's like, fuck this.

Dana, how can I help you?

Hi.

Excuse me?

Hi.

Yeah.

Hi, can I help you?

Yeah, I need to make it go.

I'm sorry?

I need to make the machine go.

You need to make a machine go?

Yeah, I need to fix it and make it go.

Okay, well, how can I help you with that?

Well, I was calling and I hit the transfer and it put me through to a closed apartment.

And I talked to that Mexican kid that's over there.

You know who I'm talking about?

The overweight guy?

No.

Well, who put me through to you?

you this is store manager so i'm trying to help you yeah but who put me through to you who put

me through to you though i mean well i was told to pick up the call that was holding and that's

i'm i'm picking up the call it's holding so i'm trying to help you yeah well he said you will

help me he said you want me to transfer you a manager and i said yeah okay and he said all

right i guess he didn't okay well they just told me i had a call holding and i picked it up so i

i'm fresh have no idea what you're talking about oh yeah so i need to make it go the machine needs

needs to go. So I was calling to get, find out what I need to get and, and I can make it go.

Well, what machine are you talking about? Are you talking about a mower, a weed eater? What,

what in particular are you talking about? The main machine, the main one, the main machine.

Yeah. What main machine? The prime, I guess it's called the primary machine. Number one,

they call it something you're supposed to be repairing in our store. Uh, I'm in the store

now I'm lost and I don't know where to find what I need. Do you know where customer service

No, that's why I'm calling.

So you're in the store and you're lost.

Yeah, I don't want to walk any more than I have to.

I'm supposed to fix the machine for work.

I broke the machine.

Well, tell me where you are in my store.

I broke the machine.

But I broke the machine.

Okay, you broke a machine.

Where are you in my store so I can find you?

I'm right by these spaces here.

Can you give me an aisle number?

Where's that?

Like up top?

Look up at the top of the aisle and tell me the aisle number you're on.

Let me look.

it's at the end of every aisle let me look hello hello hello yeah i'm here i'm here yeah hello

sir who am i talking to andy okay it sounds like you're actually in the restroom yeah i'm in the

restroom now yeah you're in the restroom and you broke something send one of my male associates

into the restroom to find you okay i'll send someone in there right away i don't want to get

in trouble please could you go into the restroom there apparently is a gentleman in there that

says he broke something no i didn't i break what i should have told her i had a baseball bat in the

bathroom oh man i hope there's some old man in there who just clogged the toilet up they bust

it in there why did you break it i broke the toilet you oh boy listen i gotta take a dump

i'm sorry that's very crass i have to use the bathroom and i have to get more water

so i'm gonna play a dr drake song here and you guys are gonna listen no i'm not i'm gonna

song in a prank call and i'll be right back so i can get some water and use the bathroom

hey bastard how you doing hi i like uh i know you uh respect this fucking uh bullshit there was uh

the thanksgiving and all that fucking bullshit right you think it's a conspiracy also like

everything else well it's not it's not a conspiracy brother it's just what you think it is you know

I was like, whatever creeps you give to it, you know?

So what did you do today?

Did you eat food?

I mean, of course you ate food.

No, I haven't ate food today, you know?

I like, I've been, I'm so fucking depressed,

I've been drinking beer all day here, you know?

What's wrong with you?

Because last week you said I was a fucking Republican,

and that kind of fucking hurt my spirit.

I'm sorry.

I thought that I was the last guy you'd ever think was a fucking Republican.

I know, I'm sorry about that.

I mean, that was a low blow.

I'm sorry.

low blow that dude all right man i won't let that happen again i know we know you're not a republican

or a democrat you're something else well no no i'm not like uh i'm not i'm just uh like uh i'm

gonna have a u.s american citizen there that got a lot of uh you know hey hey brother you don't even

know me do you you don't even know me do you yeah not really what about your prison time we've

talked about people asking that for you to tell us about your prison time we've talked about that

Before you, you were in there with Suge Knight.

Shit, I've been in prison with Charlie Manson's family,

fucking people that, millionaires that were convicted of murder, you know, millionaires.

Dude, I've been locked up in, dude, get over that fascination with being locked up in prison shit.

All right, well, no, that's what the people were asking.

Was it federal or state?

It was state.

Yeah, because you were in California.

Dude, I never had a fucking, I never even had a fucking misdemeanor before I fucking started speaking the truth out against the fucking motherfuckers that controlled the state of California there where I live, you know?

So what did you do? Did you make a threat? Did you make a threat about the governor or something like that? What happened?

The governor?

Yeah, what'd you do?

the governor of california is a fucking nazi piece of shit he never bothered me man you know

all right so what happened what you don't use you've never mentioned before what you got popped

for what did you get the your first actually dude dude dude i didn't even have a fucking

misdemeanor conviction until i started speaking out against the fucking fascist police uh coming

down on my property that I legally owned and point guns in my face and uh well

what would they come down to what will who called the cops on you what was the

deal you ever heard a camp campaign against marijuana planners I've heard of

such a thing I can imagine what federally funded pieces of fucking shit

parasites that are feeding off of us American people in this country and they

They get big money there from the, you know, they do not want people to smoke marijuana or grow hemp or anything.

There's a filthy piece of the shit that is in office in the presidency of the United States right now.

The filthy fucking pieces of fucking shit.

All right, so you were growing weed and you got...

No, I wasn't growing weed, dude.

I just wasn't growing weed.

weed. They come down on me. They come down on me with a helicopter, and I wasn't growing

no weed.

Was it a black helicopter?

It was a fucking green helicopter there, motherfucker. You want to know the name of

the motherfucker that was driving the helicopter?

I don't know. They say the black helicopters, you know, unmarked black helicopters.

Okay, here's the bottom line. As they come and start guns in my fucking face, they didn't

find anything illegal, and they told me that if I knew it was good for me, I'd better

I better forget they was ever there, right?

That's the truth.

Well, I said, fuck you, motherfucker.

I said, you can't come on my fucking land and stick guns in my fucking face

and then tell me that you wasn't even fucking here.

Well, it's imminent domain.

I mean, they have the right to come on your property.

Who's they?

The federal government fuckers that you say I talk about.

Well, dude, dude, are you a federal government motherfucker?

I've been kind of having an affair with a federal girl.

Oh, so you think you've got a right to go on somebody else's land and stick guns in their face?

Well, not stick guns in their face, but you can threaten them a little bit and, you know, go into their house and stuff like that.

Oh, you think you can go into somebody's house?

Well, if they're, I mean, it depends on what color their skin is. I mean, you're like dark skin, right?

Dude, dude, I think you're, you're, you're pranking me right now.

You Republicans. You think, uh, you Republicans think.

You, you, you, you. You, you.

I'm saving it that Manager S back.

Thank you for calling Rose.

Para instrucciones en español, marque 3.

For directions.

Para obtener direcciones para la tienda,

open menu.

Oh, I hit the wrong option.

Thank you for calling Rose.

Para instrucciones en español, marque 3.

For transferring to commercial sales.

All right, we'll take the same path we did last time.

Tools, this is awesome.

Tools, how did it get to you?

I'm not holding the phone.

What were you looking for?

What do you mean you're just holding the phone?

Because I actually have three different phones.

It may be someone else, but I mean I can help you.

How can I help you?

You're a little effeminate.

Can I talk to a manager?

Absolutely.

Let me walk that direction.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You said you were going to send someone in here?

I sent someone to the restroom and they said no one was there.

I'm not in the men's restroom.

I'm in the women's restroom.

You're in the women's restroom?

Yeah.

Okay.

We'll have someone down there right away.

I don't want to get in trouble.

I broke something very expensive.

I brought it in here and I threw it against the wall.

I also had a baseball bat.

Sir?

I was swinging the baseball bat.

I brought the...

I'm going to have breakfast with someone else.

If you continue, I'm going to have someone come to the restroom with me.

Okay?

We're going to take care of this situation.

Okay, listen, I'm just...

But if you call back, you need to call back and talk to me.

My name is Christina, okay?

What do you mean I got to talk to you?

Well, I'm the manager on duty.

I don't want them to send it to another associate in my store.

I want you to call back and talk to me if this continues to be an issue, all right?

Listen, I came in the women's restroom here with a baseball bat,

and I broke a lot of the fixtures, and there's water everywhere.

Okay, that was fun.

Anyway, let's play again.

Everyone put in an option.

If you do three, I'm going to have to null and void your option,

but go now, go, go, go.

And when I type poop in the chat room, you will be the one.

Polaris with option number one.

and let's see if that option is open.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

For instructions in Spanish,

March 3.

Information on deliveries, press 1.

For scheduled installations,

2. Transferring to

delivery. This is the national

place. Carl, you're on some delay,

motherfucker. You really should only be

doing this if you're using Mixler

and in the IRC chat room.

Other than that, I can't do nothing for you, man.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

Alright, we'll play again.

again for directions to the store give me your options your hours press two to reach a department

directly press five or to speak with the operator press zero one's choosing deliveries press one

for scheduled installations all right we'll go with sage with seven because right no polaris had

four. Transferring to

appliances. Appliances.

Salesmen motherfuckers.

The biggest

dicks and lows.

How can I help you? Yeah, how are you doing, you

sales? Hmm? Are you sales?

I'm sorry, what was that? Are you a saleswoman? No, Sarah.

Are you a saleswoman?

Yes, sir. Oh, that's funny.

Are you held to the same standards as the guys?

Just give me one second, okay? Okay.

I'm going to put you on a brief hold. Okay.

Watch her transform into Christina.

Are you available if you'd like to talk to her?

Oh, boy.

No, she's a woman then, right?

Yeah.

Is there a male salesperson I could talk to?

That would solve my problem, to be honest with you.

That's all I need.

At the moment, there isn't.

Well, it's hard for me to take women salespersons seriously.

I just cringe at the thought of saying saleswoman, you know, or salesperson instead of salesman.

I'm talking with a customer right now.

Do you want to talk to my manager?

Christina?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, I'll talk to her.

All right.

Okay, one second.

In the toilet.

Hello?

Hello? Christina, how can I help you? Yeah, you said to make sure I talk to you again? Yes, sir. We've actually been to both of the restrooms, and there's no one in our restrooms. I think you have the wrong story. I'm in the bathroom aisle. I'm inside one of the shower displays. Maybe that's why you're here. Can I have your phone number, please? Adam, for sure. Okay, hold on just one moment. All right. Get in the shower display.

Well, I broke a lot of things there. I broke several displays. I put sugar in the writing mowers.

Awesome. Can you give me your phone number, please?

And then I panicked because I saw that black man that works here, and I panicked.

Can you give me your phone number, please?

555-1212.

Yeah, that's not a phone number. Can you give me a real phone number?

Yes.

I'm going to have the police contact you in a minute, and that way we can resolve this situation all the way together.

You think they can get me out of here?

I believe they can, so I'm going to have to call them and have them come take care of this.

Okay, but I don't want to get in trouble.

You know what? I need your phone number.

No, not until you promise me I'm not going to get in trouble.

I don't know. Call the police to get you out of this situation.

I can't say what they're going to do.

Come on, just...

Can I have your phone number, please?

No, I'm not going to give it to you because you're not going to...

Okay, well, I'm going to have to hang up. Goodbye.

I need you to grant me a pardon.

Oh, boy.

All right, guys.

The Cobra wants to be on.

Hello? Can I give me a second, please?

I just had to adjust your volume

Try talking now

You're a little low

How do you like it?

I love them

Yeah, but it sounds

It sounds bad though

I can't have you on, Mr. Cobra, I'm sorry

And it might be my end, I'm sorry, buddy

Bye

If you do, you have no clue.

Snoop Dogg can't sleep.

I'm such an asshole.

I just got rid of Cobra like that.

No, but I couldn't barely hear him.

That wasn't gonna work out.

I'm gonna call it as I see it, man.

It

must have been him because like i

played the pissing sounds loud right let's see let's play the pissing actually no it doesn't

i'm playing it now it doesn't sound loud i can barely hear it but if i get it to work in here

there's a hiss see see sounds like shit maybe here well i had him about here and there's a

pretty audible hiss coming from it i gotta work on fine-tuning that it's a whole new setup thing

you know cobra says it's my fault never his let me try him again now that i adjusted it

see that sounds loud well hello yeah see this is working yeah it's just me it's on me i switched

i switched cables uh this weekend and i'm still fine tuning it there's just a hiss but that's it's

on my end i'm sorry it's not your fault all right it's never my fault of course not it's always my

fault listen i don't really do a show and i don't talk bullshit i just do pranks so if you want you

can hang on and jump in i just want to chill okay all right i'm gonna keep playing snoop and uh

Dr. Dre. I love your new

format. Thanks, buddy.

Thanks, buddy.

I was glad to hear Aaron back last Sunday.

Yeah, that was good shit.

It was. Too bad you had

trouble staying on.

Yeah, dude.

My woman always

forged the computer machines to work

so I always had to use the phone

to kind of track him

and fill his shit.

So I was just chill.

I know, yeah, there's a lot of white noise

is coming on the line all right chat room go ahead and put in your option between one and

eight without choosing three do that now and when i type that word the first one of you to join after

that or to add after that will be the winner for the next call we do the numbers are coming in

already thank you for calling mose poop initiated everyone waits for me just to put poop in there

all right we got option number eight i don't think that's we'll see if that's a valid

I think that's the second page.

Alright, so we'll do three, which was the next one from here, right?

Hector got us through to the second page.

Sloth hits it up.

Plumbing.

You can do three from the second option.

That's all it is.

Sloth, why are you complaining?

You picked three, motherfucker.

Plumbing, this is Adam.

How can I help you?

Hey, yeah, how you doing, man?

What can I do for you?

Yeah, I need to make the plumbing go.

Well, that's a pretty open-ended question.

Yeah, I'm trying my best that I can to make it go to the right place.

I need to fix it.

All right.

Be a little more specific.

Let me go into the bathroom and I'll see if I can help you, okay?

Seriously?

Come on.

Fuck that.

I'm calling him back.

Fuck that guy.

Fuck him, I say, Cobra.

Fuck.

For calling Lowe's.

For information on the...

For mill...

Transferring to plumbing.

Plumbing, please hold.

All right, so if anyone chooses three, then we'll go automatically to the second page and go to three.

Deal?

Deal.

I'm choosing right now.

There's no option nine.

Thank you, Slob.

There's a third page.

Hey, great to call.

Yeah, hi.

Plumbing?

Yeah, one moment, please.

Yeah, hi.

We called earlier.

I was going to talk from the bathroom.

What problem is that?

Sure.

What you got, Chief?

Yeah, the plumbing doesn't go.

It doesn't go right.

Okay.

Yeah, I need to make it go.

Yeah, you got to be a bit more specific than that.

You know the part that the water comes through?

Sure.

Yeah, right about there, above that, it's supposed to go into the one part, so it exits

out, but it doesn't go?

Chief, I'll be totally honest, I'm not at all sure what you're talking about.

How does the toilet go?

Well, that's, again, a fairly generic question.

And if you can be a little bit more specific, I'll be happy to help you.

Yeah, how do you make the toilet machine go?

I'm thinking you flush it, but I'm also thinking that's not what you need.

Well, no, no.

I know that you flush this.

Of course I know you flush the toilet.

But how do you make it go?

How do you make it go?

When you flush it, how do you make it go?

You know what I mean?

Honestly, I'm not totally sure at all what you're going for.

How does the water go into the thing and it goes?

It comes out of the shutoff valve.

You flush it.

It's a flapper open.

Water dumps through the toilet.

and it flows down into the sewer.

So at what point are we trying to figure out?

Yeah, what does the chain do?

What does the chain do?

I think the chain would connect the handle to the platform.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about, baby.

And what is the ball cop?

Tell me.

Tell me how a toilet works.

Yeah.

Here's the hang-up song, the song of death.

See, for some reason, every time they hang up on you,

you it's it's a process where they put you on hold and then you're like go they let you go softly

so what you doing no what you gonna do today

I want to ask you one question.

These nuts, love.

Yeah, yeah, gotcha.

Thank you, yes, I gotcha.

I gotcha, I gotcha.

Alright.

I really like this thing of calling Lowe's, man.

Alright, put your options in the chat room.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

For instructions in Spanish, March 3.

For directions to the store.

For information on delivery, press 1.

One, for scheduled installation.

Set two, commercial sale.

George, pick six.

Three, appliances.

Transferring to flooring.

Please hold.

Flooring.

We haven't done a flooring one yet, I don't think.

I haven't done a flooring one.

Yeah, flooring, eh?

Oh, yes.

Yeah, I need to put a section in my freighter.

I can actually have the panels, like about three or four panels come out so you can smuggle things.

I'm hoping I never have to smuggle myself or anybody in it.

Sir, please stop calling our store.

What do you mean?

What store?

This store.

Stop calling the store.

Yeah, you know I'm talking about Star Wars.

You ever watch it?

The first one?

A New Hope?

Stop.

Why?

How do you know?

Stop calling our store.

How do you know about it?

I'll stop if you tell me.

Oh, man.

There's an alert out about me probably, right?

Looks like no answer here.

So I'm calling a used car a lot.

Sorry, your call could not be...

Never mind.

Not an existing number anymore.

more moving the map to a different city just a moment please boom all right option six will be

retried here first after that we will take new submissions we'll see if it's the same department

here some of the i didn't notice departments are different depending on the store sometimes they

don't have a particular department but the phone tree always follows the same format the first two

options are like the national center i believe that handles stuff like deliveries and repair

Warranty repair, and then the rest is...

You're always going to have lighting and hardware and lumber and shit.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

For directions to the...

For information on transferring to flooring.

Please hold.

There's flooring here, too.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

All right, everyone, give me a new option.

Go, go, go. Option, option, option.

For information on deliveries, press 1.

One, for scheduled installations, press two.

Pro services, press three.

All right, Sloth, you pick.

No, here we go, here we go.

People are going.

Lumber and building materials, press five.

No, print caller says three.

Transferring to pro services, please hold.

See, it's called pro services here.

Other place it was called commercial service, or commercial sales, actually.

Sections probably never tap.

It's not native.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

All right, I'll do a second page, random one, number four.

for millwork one four paint transferring to lighting and electrical all right my favorite

is tools man power tools yeah hey how are you honey how you doing honey yeah hi who's this

this is ralph how you doing honey were you trying to get a hold of i was trying to get a hold of

lighting i'm sorry you're really breaking up on me i'm having problems understanding you

oh i'm sorry do i sound better now yes sir oh good good how you doing honey how can i help you

good uh do you have any fixtures there hanging now any fans yes we do okay in your department

and lighting or is that like ventilation uh like ceiling fans that's gonna be the uh lighting and

fans and which one are you your lighting uh this is the lighting and fans department oh it's

actually lighting and fans yes they're and rough electrical wow that's very good very nice very

nice honey so where exactly are you in the store because it's a big fucking store right uh we're

Right when you come through the door, we're going to be the first section to the left.

Oh, that's right there then.

Yes, sir.

Oh, good, because this is a big store, right?

Yes, sir.

Yeah, it is.

All right, so do you have the long fluorescent lights?

Eight foot or four foot?

Eight foot.

Yes, sir.

All right, and can I take them out of the package just to make sure they're the right ones?

We can look at the package, and I can try and help you find the right bulbs that you need.

What about the four foot ones?

Will you let me take those, slide those out just to make sure?

I have to make sure that they're intact.

Yes, you can see that the bulb, are you looking for a two pack or how many do you need?

Well, I need two of them.

Yes, sir.

The packaging is clear and you can see that the bulbs are not broken.

But I can still just take it out and look real quick before I get it.

If they're broken, you can't sell them anyway, right?

That is correct, but- So just one two pack.

Just one two pack, all right?

I need to make sure the ends where the fuses go and all that, where the connectors are,

I need to make sure those are intact.

You can't see those from through the packaging as well.

No, you can't.

on the forefoot not not like i need to see them not like i need to see them okay all right and

then i'm just i'll need to swing them around make sure they don't break apart really easy

i cannot let you swing the light bulbs in the store sir can i i just can we put one of the

ceiling fans on low and i'll stick it up in in there just to make sure it doesn't you know

because if it breaks you couldn't sell it anyway so you know the the two that don't break i know

they're strong and i'll buy those no sir i cannot let you put a light bulb into a ceiling fan

Do the ceiling fans not turn on or anything?

No, sir, they don't.

They don't have any power?

Not to the fan motor, sir.

Okay.

I don't know, then.

There's got to be a way to make sure that they're not broken, you know?

You can visually inspect the light bulbs to check the integrity of the glass to see that it is not broken.

Can I bring a baseball bat with me?

No, sir.

Or like a tactical club?

A retractable club?

No, sir.

I would appreciate it if you would not.

Hmm.

Just to test it on the light bulbs, you know?

I understand, sir.

Okay.

Okay, well, I'm here right now.

I'm in appliances.

So I'm in appliances and I already have the baseball bat.

Or I can pick up, like, a hammer?

No, sir, I cannot let you use a hammer on the light bulb.

All right, well, I'm going to be buying a hammer.

I'm going to go pick up a hammer now before I come over there to see the light bulbs, okay?

No, sir, I cannot let you use a hammer on the light bulb.

No, I'm just going to bring the hammer.

I'm just letting you know that's what I'm going to be doing.

Okay, sir.

Okay?

Yes, sir.

And I'm going to, you know, I'm going to think I'm going to slide by and pick up a shovel, too.

Okay, sir.

Okay?

Those will be in the seasonal department.

Okay.

All right.

I'll go to the seasonal, then I'll swing by in tools, and I'll pick up a hammer.

And do you have any electrical outlets there in your section?

Yes, sir.

Yeah?

Yes, sir.

Okay.

I'm going to bring a nail gun also.

I'm going to bring it and take that out of the package also to test it out there.

Yes, sir.

Yeah, because you're allowed to test out the, I know you're allowed to test out all the

power tools, right?

right? No, sir. You cannot test the power tool. Yeah, you can. Yeah, you can. It's a policy. You

can. You have to test pieces of wood and everything. You'd have to ask the tool department.

They already told me. They made an agreement. I already have it here. They said I can test it out

anytime. Well, like I said, you'd have to ask the tool department about it. Yeah, I'm going to come

and I'll plug in over there and one of your outlets there, your department, to test it out

on the light bulbs. No, sir. You cannot test anything on the light bulbs. Is there any way,

Wait, can I make like a deck of cards, like a tower out of a deck of cards,

but using light bulb containers instead?

And then I'll shoot the nail gun.

I'll shoot nails at it.

Here we go.

Hang up call of death.

That's good.

It gives me a moment to mark the time and start the music again.

I love it.

Well, we've already been pretty much banned from one of those today.

Let's continue with this one.

He's like, no, sir, you can't plug it in here.

How do I sound now?

Oh, they can't hear you.

Hang on.

How do I sound now, sir?

You sound good.

I sound good?

All right.

All right, now say something.

Balls.

There we go.

Problem solved.

This sounds much better.

All right, let's continue on.

Back to Lowe's.

Lowe's.

You like the Lowe's, Coles, Sloth?

What do you think?

You think enough?

Yeah, they're good.

Yeah, they're fun.

The ones last weekend were hilarious.

Like, every department had its own quirk to it.

I should call that same one again.

It's the one in my old hometown.

I've been there many times.

I might copy-paste now with you.

Oh, duh.

I don't copy-paste in here.

Dude, Saf, I keep doing that, man.

I keep pasting to Skype instead of my new setup.

Stupid.

Yeah, I will.

She freaked me out.

For instructions in Spanish, mark three.

All right, hit up your options in the chat room, please.

One.

For store hours, press two.

To reach a department directly.

press five or to speak with the operator press zero all right whoever does the first one because

i just hit poop for information on deliveries press one nobody really nobody installations

press two we'll do a random one again for millwork one paint press transferring to nursery

please hold oh i had an idea for paint last week and no one picked up in the paint department what

the fuck was that hey how you doing what are you doing there your house lawn lawn and garden

oh that's nice that's good yeah yeah what do you what do you recommend for growing stuff

outside come on he's like bullshit i ain't got time for that thank you for calling

for directions to the store press for information on delivery press one for millwork one

I think I remember what it was.

I think I was going to drink paint with a straw.

I think that's what it was.

I think so.

I really need to start writing shit down like Jaya, man.

Yeah, hey.

You guys mix the paint there for me?

Hello?

Say that again?

Do you mix the paints for me?

Yes, we mix paints, yes.

Okay.

Can I bring anything in to get the color of it?

Yes, we can usually get close, not exact on color matches.

But you have a color match computer machine, right?

Yeah, but it's a machine. It's not perfect.

Okay. Do I bring a picture or is it better to bring the actual item that I want to scan?

No, you have to bring the item, not a picture.

Okay, that could be a problem. How private is it there?

Not very private.

can i bring in some of those asian like those bamboo dividers that you can divide the asian

people use to divide like sushi restaurants and stuff you know what i mean not where you're coming

from well can i i'll tell you what you gotta bring you gotta bring in the item in order for

us to even attempt okay i'll bring it i'll tell you what i'm gonna get some plywood from lumber

and make like a like a little box around that workstation where you can scan the items so that

that no one can see what i'm doing that'll be fine like maybe you can just turn it on for me

or tell me how to operate it how do you operate it just we've got to go through a series of uh

computer deals on computer this is it a windows computer windows 95 yeah windows 95 oh that's

good okay all right uh how close can they get to skin color sir it's a hit or miss it's a machine

Machine, it doesn't get it exactly.

Machine.

Yeah, it doesn't, we don't get the colors exact, they're close.

It's a machine, machine.

Yeah.

Computer machine.

Right.

Yeah, but the machine should be infallible, right?

Is there really anything that's infallible?

There's a few things.

Computers are infallible.

It's whatever you put into them, you know?

And I have a perfect pretty penis, so what's going in to the computers is perfect.

infallible matter of fact it's it's it's fallible it's a phallus that's why they

call it phallus because it's the perfect organ I'll bring in my phallus and we'll

match it we'll match my penis really bad timing

oh man thanks to the mixer chat room for giving me the idea to say infallible

there that was perfect is tabachi still gonna do a show or did i knock him out with rotation oh

shit i don't know he i don't remember what i'm saying i saw the whispers doing a show after i

was done with my call he says no worries okay all right sloth think of a number uh you mean

like a phone number or just a manager i'm sorry yeah one of those integers there uh five all right

we'll do a five thank you for information is that still super loud friend building materials

it's still the same weird like intro to town to it but it doesn't ever stream so i don't know if

there's a way for you to fake that really yeah is any flooring what's going on here i'm gonna be a

transfer motherfucker i'm over it we'll stay in this town and prank call their neighbors because

Because they have disappointed Carlito with their lack of cooperation in my new attack on loans.

There's a cinema.

I'd likely want...

Oh, it's a Draft House cinema.

All right.

They have a bachelor party there.

Let's see if they answer.

it wasn't me it wasn't me it wasn't me oh hey buddy it's the animal draft house cinema right

okay uh do you allow like running out of the um actual viewing room yes you can actually rent

at the theater then you would need a coordinator okay and you serve alcohol you sell you serve

alcohol yes we do have a full bar we have a full bar and a full kitchen and you'll bring it out to

us while we're watching the movie it just depends on what you discussed with uh lacy yeah we want

to just have beers brought to us and you have ladies that bring it out like pretty girls it's

for we're going to have a bachelor party we're going to rent it out and we're going to put like

like a movie on that we all want to watch and we're gonna be drinking and playing cards and

stuff you'd have to discuss yeah we're bringing and yeah can i talk to her because i want to like

bring a few strippers too to hang out with us and everything we'll be doing coke and blow

all that shit we'll be doing some molly it's just when is she there is she there tomorrow i can talk

to her you know see her email address no i want a fucking email i want to fucking know when i

to fucking talk to him motherfucker honestly i don't have time you don't have the balls you

don't have the grapes that's what you're trying to say right he doesn't have the grapes

hey hey you have that country store there with all the nice little knickknacks and everything

yes we do yeah you have anything good there for me that i can put my weed in

yeah you don't have anything there maybe like that i can has like a nice little compartment on it

that i can buy okay well i'm in the bathroom right now and i don't want my mom to know that i have

pot i just i just bought some from one of the cooks there my name is andy andy yeah i'm there

eating with my family but one of the cooks sold me some pot here in the bathroom yeah he sold me

like weed like drugs you know weed yeah i know what that is can you please hold okay

I mean, are you working in the country store part?

That's what I really need help with, you know?

What you need help with?

Well, I told you, one of the chefs, one of the cooks sold me some pot in the bathroom.

And I need I need to buy something out of my allowance money from your country stores that I can put it in

So that my mom doesn't know

What's 1839

turtle yeah oh shit el rancho mexican yeah sloth talk to mexican restaurant do some science so i

can work on levels you know is it a corporate no it is a small chain they're in houston

i might be able to get something i don't know we'll try i know mexican usually doesn't work

out for me sometimes i know recently i had the lady she was gonna report record me oh she's

gonna put me in their record and i kept calling back asking them to please not put me in the

record that was a good call i think after that permanent record hey this is actually ron newman

i'm calling from the sanitation meat department machine okay uh how are you guys doing any issues

any customers that have complained about your uh meat uh beef in particular okay hurry hurry

fuck up choppy on skype it might be me

I'm still gonna find that and edit it man

that was so good man

hello sir yes this is Mr. Neiman

I'm calling from the meat sanitation department machine

yeah I'm calling from the meat and sanitation

department machine

with the office

it seems that we have you marked down here

your restaurant is a candidate for

tainted beef you need to perform some tests

over the phone here i can't i can't really hear you you're breaking up okay yeah you're breaking

up am i coming for weird sir sir can you hear me sir can you understand the words that i'm saying

to you i got it hey oh man he said call back man can you hear me all right you're choppy too

me yeah but again that might be that might be my sky you know he said cutting it down

blah blah blah blah blah blah let me close everything on here all right now do some

some blah-blahs, please.

Blah-blah-blah.

You're still a choppy.

No, you're still a choppy.

You're still a choppy.

I can actually count it.

Hold on.

There's some feedback.

Do an echo test.

See if it's you.

Balls.

Uh, yeah, I believe I was just speaking with you.

Your name was, uh, Hector, was it?

Speaking to me?

Yeah, I believe so.

It was about the tainted meat.

This is Mr. Newman.

I'm calling from the sanitation, um, machine.

Okay, yeah, I didn't, I didn't, I couldn't hear what you were saying.

Okay, well, I'm coming through a little bit better now.

You have to understand this matter is pretty urgent.

It concerns the livelihood of your business.

What is this call about?

I will translate.

Well, essentially, the issue is we're having a batch of tainted meat that we had reports about.

And we have your restaurant down as one of the candidates for tainted beef.

So we need to perform some tests over the phone to make sure that you're not affected.

Are you with the FDA?

Listen, there's no time for discussion.

and i need you to get a bucket and four ounces of uh of chuck you know ground chuck who are you with

my name is mr newman i'm with the sanitation meat machine that's pretty much all of us too

handle uh eight recalls hurry up yeah and get a bucket and some meat while you're at it okay

hey what's up hey be rude and when he says he doesn't understand you tell him that you're

gonna put a translator on and i'll just jump in and say it everything in spanish so we'll

get around the issue because you're still choppy okay i think you're lying you're gonna say other

stuff in spanish i could do that too but no no i'm gonna say the same thing you do but it'll

be funny because you'll be like i speak english was fine and i'll keep insisting i hope you didn't

hear me shit still really coming through that choppy yeah yeah i could try one last thing

don't worry don't worry i'll try something i don't think it's me because i'm listening to

myself and it's not it might maybe i can just reboot this the laptop's been up for up for a

few days and it's not fair enough it's not the healthiest uh image of windows 7 i have on it

i haven't re-imaged it in a while it's about it's it could be it's saying the connection

speeds are slow too it's not the bandwidth right now no not more than i usually do let me see if

maybe i don't think so six oh one time yeah how are you honey oh hello yeah hi yeah hi can i make

an order you couldn't figure out how to hang up the phone either on that note planet of the apes

coming out on the 11th really i was not aware of that totally unrelated can i help you yeah i'd

like to make an order please okay hold on just one minute okay okay honey how big do you think

the gorilla penises will be in planet of the apes it's pretty big i hope they grew in relation to

their cognitive abilities the penises and the balls too and the tits yeah ice has three episodes

of like a prelude to the new movie i don't know if you saw i believe it's a i believe it's on the

motherboard stream is it like making of or is it no it's actual backstory it's kind of cool yeah

the last one the third one is really cool it follows the path of a gun during the whole

breakdown of society that occurs in between the two movies artsy yeah the simian flu

kills i believe what is it i think only one in 50 people survive or something like that

something like that aids monkey aids airborne monkey aids oh my god this takes forever here

in the toilet it's gonna suck george every second or third movie of a franchise sucks

you're in the toilet with me now i don't know the first one i thought sucked of these it wasn't

okay sir thank you for holding how may i help you hey honey how are you hello yeah how you doing

honey how you doing how may i help you yeah i need you to make an order okay what you need

all right one eggs a egg yeah one eggs one egg and how do you want the egg cooked how do you

want the egg scrambled over light medium cooked say it again cooked cook them you need you to

okay yeah with uh heat with some heat okay and some seasoning a little bit what else you what

What else do you need?

I want bread.

Okay, bread.

I want meat.

What kind of meat?

Breakfast meat.

Okay, you want ham, bacon, or sausage?

I like from pork, pork-based.

Which one do you want?

Like the pork-based one.

So you want the sausage?

Which is pork?

Is sausage pork?

Uh-huh, yes.

And the bacon and the ham.

So that narrows it down.

That narrows it down perfectly.

Okay, I know, but which one do you want?

The ham, the bacon, or the sausage?

However the pork one, whichever one comes from the pig.

Whichever is the best cut of the pig.

Okay, and would you like anything to drink?

One soda.

Okay, what kind of soda?

With ice, carbonated, flavoring, natural flavorings.

Okay.

And your name?

Okay.

The bean, how much?

It shouldn't be that long.

How much?

I have to add it up.

Let's go.

Fucker.

He's angry.

I need to add, I need to add, um, I'm sorry.

Sorry. Can I add one last thing? Some hash browns?

Just regular? Just regular hash browns?

Well, okay. I need them. Are you ready to write it down how I need them?

Go for it.

All right. Doubled, covered, smothered, diced, sourced, sourced, lived, reported, encoded,

disconnected housed fronted Americanized outsourced parked manufactured addicted

random words for my hash browns new thing I want to see how many I can get

off on these motherfuckers dark stranger hello are you there hi you in the

the toilet with me turn down your toilet this is dark strangers first visit to the madhouse glory

hole we're going to interview her before we start we got nice gentleman law lined up for her would

they like to know my i'm going to go with the biggest nut yeah that's my number one quality

i think it's going to be the guy with dreadlocks smells like weed wears sunglasses indoors and

I mean, he's really tall and slim.

Like Corey Hart.

Yeah.

But black.

The black Corey Hart.

Snoop Dogg.

Calvin Broadus.

He's back to being Snoop Dogg now.

He needs to fly it.

I think that was a gimmick for him to get some weed for a few days.

I think that's what it was.

Pretending to be Jamaican.

Yeah.

And end up, like, wholly not die on shit.

Yeah, he pretty much just wanted to hang out with Rastas and Jamaicans,

smoke a lot of weed for a few months while they recorded a reggae album.

I think he's pretty much done.

He had the flag off upside down, didn't he?

I don't know. He would join Kabbalah if he could smoke more weed.

You know?

He got arrested for having to pitch a giant joint.

Oh yeah?

It's huge! Like, it's bigger than your arm.

Wow, nice.

Think like a baseball bat, filled with nice, hot, goopy cum.

Hey Sloth, are you here now?

I'm still here.

I can't speak, but you're making this.

I can't really hear the D.S.

What up?

I know, right?

Will you make it?

They're all chilled out.

What?

They've never gotten shot before.

I'll call a different one.

These motherfuckers here don't answer.

What is it, motherfucker?

You're not doing that much gay shit anymore in the other room, you know?

You go to UCF?

I do.

That's cool, right?

Yeah.

I need to make an order.

Okay, we're not able to take it over the phone anymore.

Why?

We don't have to come into the store.

Why, because of colored people messing it up?

Yeah.

Who?

Because of colored people messing it up?

No, it's just people that call.

Yeah.

They call for the store down the road and...

I was there once and, like, Dwight Howard was in there and he was like,

I ain't gonna pay shit, motherfucker, he said.

Okay.

Were you there when that happened?

No.

Fuck, man, you missed it.

Which one do you think will take an order over the phone?

Probably not West Colonial because there's a lot of black people there, right?

you don't think yeah there's a lot of people to go to the west one that's over in pine hills man

oh i bet you down um down by disney you know there's that waffle house in disney on apopka

island close to disney i don't know any other waffle house oh you don't oh well you don't get

out much huh are you poor girl no you're low socioeconomic that's okay honey you don't have

to be embarrassed i go to ucf but hey you ever see that video where the rapper's like you can go

wherever you want and he goes to burger king and the girl's like oh i'm poor you know i'm a poor

black girl and the rapper's like yeah i'll take you out and we can fuck and you know drink and

don't bring any clothes you buy them i'll buy them for you know you can have whatever you like

who was that ti right okay you like ti do you like ty you like him no okay so you don't like

time no no do you like beast i like beastie boys do you like the beastie boys do you like mf2

just keep going

do you like the aquabats tipton

hey buddy how are you good how are you i'm good god bless you i wanted to make an order so i can

go by and pick it up i just saw the fireworks man the fireworks are crazy okay yeah you ready

for my order yeah go ahead all right i need a double order of hash browns okay i'm gonna add

some stuff to it you're ready to copy it down go ahead i like my special all right i want them

smothered covered diced pickled aborted attacked shut down okay georged masturbated all right

He's still there. Stupid.

Hey, you're there still, stupid.

Did you get all those options?

Baby, did you order my food?

I don't think he can figure out how to hang up the phone.

You dumb monkey, you.

Hey, how big are your sexual organs?

How big are your pancakes?

Do you have peanuts?

He sounds pretty effeminate.

I killed it. I killed it.

Let's go to Miami.

See if I can find one in Liberty City.

See, motherfucker?

I don't know. Immediately what I think of.

Zooming in on Liberty City.

I don't know if any of this shit is open

It's Sunday

It's all police

Family dollar store

Let's see if they're open

What's that?

I don't know what that is

What's that?

It's a weird noise

I don't know what that was

That was me, sorry

Hey, how are you honey?

Can you speak up a little bit?

Are you a black?

are you are you a black that was stupid of me to ask what ass no that was stupid of me sorry guys

yeah i don't want to call back there because it sounded like shit here's a place called mr black

clothing mr black clothing i doubt they're open at this time on a sunday but you never know this

is miami they stay up pretty late there all right mr black clothing i'm

going to ask if it's Black People Clothing

It's made of black people

Hello

Yeah is that Mr. Black Clothing

Mr. Black Clothing

Who's calling

This is Eddie

Is this Mr. Black Clothing

Yes sir

Okay so it's like Black People Clothes

Yeah I guess it is

Okay alright that's good

And what do black people like to wear

Because I like how black people wear

And what they say

The things they say is really cool

You know they know what's cool

I want to wear some stuff that's cool

like a black person you know because i like to talk like black people like i'm like hey man

what's up man what no but what do you wear what are you wearing tom i was like i dealt with enough

shit in my life thank you yeah man hey man don't be like that my nigga what's up man

i'm gonna pork your wife how about that that's serious

uh yeah that's right that's right that's right boy hey did you did you see um that movie bad

boys 2 yeah i said the n word that wasn't nice i hate sex i don't know come on let's call it

when i'm singing along with songs i'm like i don't know if i should i know right isn't it

awkward what do you do in those situations chris rock said that we're allowed to say it

if we're singing along with gangster rap yeah that's what he said oh okay like the song i

just played rat-a-tat-tat a moment ago he said you can say in that song that's actually example

that he used because i enjoy some scoop dog and stuff and i'm kind of like yeah singing along you

want a nigger on his motherfucking back you know just say yeah nigger n word sounds so silly who

was it who's the one that said a nigger on his fucking back was that was that chapelle or or

Or Chris Rock said that one about that song.

That's a good question.

Yeah.

He was like, you know, everybody gives it up or, you know.

He said the rule is you can't say it like that.

You can't be like, you know, a white guy and you go,

I'm a nigger, like get really into it.

Yeah, if you're being a dick and you're insulting somebody.

Like you start doing the Hitler salute during the song whenever you hear the N-word.

Got no hate for anybody.

It's cool.

It's in the song, man.

I enjoy music.

You just like, oh, you lose your rhythm, you know, it's like, I don't know if I should say this pretty bad

But I know like some of the music I listen to i'm like this whole the whole thing behind this song

It's like beating up women and shit. It's like objectifying women. Oh, well, it's cool

You know quality music that you enjoy and you have bullshit music

If you don't beat them though, how are they gonna learn to listen?

I gotta take a break

I'm gonna take a break

Give me a few minutes

And we'll play prank calls

Bye

Yeah, is there an American I can speak to?

Like an American citizen?

But you sound a little ethnic, you know?

No, I do not know

But you said your name was what, Francisco?

Yeah

Yeah.

What are the names of the other people there?

I'm not quite sure.

I'm not even physically at that location.

What are you doing there?

Why are you answering the phone?

I'm actually, because I'm the pharmacy care center.

We handle all of Walgreens calls, sir.

That's bull crap.

I needed to talk to an American pharmacist, man.

Oh, okay.

Well, with that added to you, you're not going to speak to anybody, sir.

I apologize.

I'm sorry.

I apologize.

All right.

Well, would you like to speak to a pharmacist?

Yeah.

All right.

Let me get him on the line one moment.

Yes, him, please.

Please, thank you.

I saved that one.

I was polite.

But all of a sudden my iTunes and my laptop won't make the sound.

It sucks.

The fuck?

I'm trying to do background sounds.

I can't.

I can't get it.

Everything's okay in the mixer.

I can't get it.

I'm trying to get tired of this.

Fuck you.

I don't care.

Pretty good music.

Doo doo doo doo.

Doo doo.

Damn.

Sorry.

What the hell was that?

I don't know.

That's why I turn off all my message sounds.

I was sloth again.

Sounds shitty.

Sloth making noise over there.

there you go thanks paul that was me phone isn't even ringing ding ding ding it was you yeah it was

so the lie detector just said okay president presidente supermarket in miami i'm gonna guess

it's a cuban-owned motherfucker beer then right man why yeah hi how are you hi that's good yeah

Yeah. Is this an American company? Is there an American I can talk to?

Yeah.

Okay. Are you a black or what are you exactly?

Okay. I forgot what my idea was for Presidente.

Ask her how to cook collard greens. Remember that one? Or was that Brad? I can't remember. It was a good one.

You got to know when to hold them.

Ask her if she knows when to hold them.

Niggas be brown-nosing these hoes and shit.

Taking bitches out to eat

Spending money on these hoes

You know what I'm saying

I treat a bitch like 7-Up

I never have, I never will

I tell a bitch like this

Bitch, you without me is like

Home of the Clevelanders and Essex House Hotels

Your call may be monitored for quality assurance

To begin your Clevelander or Essex House Hotel experience

Please select from the following menu options

Room reservations

Please press 1

For sales, please press

Please give me a front desk.

The Clevelander Steam Lender.

Hey, honey, baby.

Are you with the front desk machine?

Are you at the front desk?

Clevelander.

I'm stuck in the bathroom.

There's a chicken attacking me.

I don't think it's very beautiful right now.

I'm sorry? Hello?

I don't think it's very beautiful right now, I said.

There's a chicken. I'm in the bathroom.

In my room, there's a chicken loose in my room.

Are you staying in the hotel?

Yeah, and there's a chicken that's attacking me inside my bedroom,

and I had to lock myself in the bathroom.

Okay, okay. What's the room number?

Sir, what's the room number?

Oh, my God. Get out of here.

Sir?

Get out!

What's the room number?

Get out!

Sir what's your room number? Oh my god. He's violent. His eyes are red. He's pecking at the door

He's putting holes in the door like he's over

It's already to the point where his beak is sticking through the door into the bathroom

What's the room number? Oh the room number here. I think it's 120 something. That was getting exciting. Call a KFC

You can say there was a live one. I caught this motherfucker here. He's on my property

You can say it was in the bucket

To begin your Clevelander or Essex House hotel experience,

please select from the following menu options.

Experience.

Reservation.

Please press 1.

For sale, please press 2.

For dining reservations at Vensai, please 3.

For bottle service reservations at Clevelander, please press 4.

For the marketing department, please press 5.

There's zero again or something.

please fine i couldn't hear the options like it's so long you talked over it please hold on while

i try that extension tell me to shut up then it's okay i don't give a shit hey hey shut up

shut up hello hey can you shut up can you put me through to the clevelander no nobody come on

hello how are you gonna hang up i'm ruining your night

Can we get a motherfucking moment of silence for this small chronic break?

You're the one that asked for me.

It's not my fault to talk to you.

I'm not mad.

No, it's okay.

I was just joking.

Please.

I really don't give a shit.

Calm your tits down.

Put your hand together.

Sloth drop out, that motherfucker.

He said he was here and everyone should be.

Hitler.

That's what they say.

Ain't too long.

He needs to count how many times he talks about his balls in a song.

Yeah.

In his draw.

My balls, my balls.

He must have really big balls.

I think his balls are bigger than his dick.

Have you seen this YouTube show that he does, man?

No.

All he does, he smokes a ton of weed and interviews people.

Hey, honey, how are you?

I'm bad.

I'm stuck in the toilet.

There's a chicken inside my room.

I took too long to do that.

Let me just leave it alone.

I love that song you did with Willie Nelson.

You got no one to fucking hold on to.

Majestic, this is Justin.

I'm a director of call.

Yeah, there's a chicken loose inside my room and I'm hiding in the bathroom.

Sorry?

There's a chicken loose in my room and I have to be hiding in the bathroom now.

Okay, then what room are you in, sir?

I'm not sure.

All my stuff's outside and I have no clothes on.

Don't worry, I'll have the police help you with that.

Hold on.

I think it's 120.

They don't believe the chicken story at all.

Snake, maybe?

A snake.

An alligator.

How about that cat, Luxicat?

Did you ever hear that one?

No.

Oops, I hung up the wrong one.

I'm a stupid.

Hang on, I just hung up on the stranger.

Hello?

I'm sorry.

What cat?

cat oh it's a cat do you ever hear that story they called 9-1-1 on the cat no really why what

was the cat doing seriously it was called bucks the cat okay no i never i wasn't saying that just

to like bring up shit i have no idea what you're talking i'm not going there how about that i'll

say that i'm not going there yeah yeah i don't know that's not why i said it la playa supermarket

market yeah i'll show you the story later show me sorry yeah yeah

the cat was not really even by the cat do you have machine do you have machine

the machine the main machine the what the machine that i use for the food the groceries the machine

no no no what do you mean no you use this grocery store yeah so you have machine

What kind of machine?

The machine for the food.

Machine.

The machine, the stuff goes in the machine when you get it.

Put your good hand on something like this?

No, no, man.

It's like the food goes in the machine and you go like,

No, no, no, no, he finished.

You go motherfucker like that to it and you hit it on the side.

Huh?

Come here.

Yeah, I'll go there and I'll kick you in the balls.

Yeah, fuck you.

Motherfucker, you.

Motherfucker, bitch.

Come here, stupid.

Maricon.

You, Maricon, come here.

Come here, come here, man.

Come, come.

Puta madre.

Come, come, come here.

Puta madre, motherfucker.

Yeah, bitch.

You mother bitch.

Faggy, faggy.

Yeah.

Mother fucker, faggy.

No, oh no, oh no.

Are you Colombian?

Hello?

That was fun.

Ding, ding, ding.

We had a winner there.

And those are four beeps, not three.

I was saying four beeps the last time we were doing calls.

I was saying three beeps the last time, but it's four beeps, not three.

I'm going to fuck a faggot.

Hello?

Yeah.

Do you have lechon?

What?

Lechon?

No.

There's no lechon?

No.

Motherfucker.

Bull arron, tu madre.

You fucking asshole.

Wow.

Well, my color ID trick worked.

Pee.

Fuck it.

Motherfucker fucking faggot.

I like how at least song sounds pretty much the same.

Yeah, just like they look, right?

All right, let's look at this guy here who checked in in a hotel.

What a stupid thing to do.

And now we will show him the true meaning of power.

Telephone power.

Good morning, boys and girls.

I'm Yosef.

My name is Brad Carter.

Yo, yo, yo.

Fuck a holiday.

there's a hotel in bali i know there's a hotel in moscow i don't have the full name

he's back again

all right there's someone staying supposedly in a hotel in mecca

Oh, that's going to be expensive, though, to call Mecca right now.

Is it the Hajj right now?

How's he doing there?

Put him back on.

What's going on?

Nothing.

Calls him for the week at the Hampton Inn.

I caught you, her.

Yeah, hi.

Can I be transferred to a room, please?

A guest.

Sean is his name.

Last name is Thulin.

Thulin.

So last name in, sorry?

Thulin.

How do you spell that?

T-H-U-L-I-N.

Please don't transfer, Paul.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, there's no reply.

To leave a voice message, press 1.

To connect to the operator, press 0.

Boy, them niggas ride and slide to each side.

Niggas like myself, we'll just show you where it's at.

With my hose on my side and my strap on my back.

And Deppro is still the label that pays.

But you know how that goes.

We flow toe for toe.

If you ain't on the road, fuck you ain't.

Check it, it's Snoop Doggy

Dog on a solo tip, steel pocket

You've been don't really give a shit

About nothing at all, just my dog

Stepping through the ball, girl, I'm still gonna fade them all

With the gangsta keeps you hanging

How many holes in 94 will I be banging?

Every single one to get the job done

As I just get flip right back to 2-1

Mother's sun be shining, and I'll be rhyming

It's me, Snoopy, don't you give a fuck

This is for the hot stuff

Hi honey, I need to speak to a guest, Michael Barrett

Can you spell it out for me, the last name?

B-A-R-R-R-E-T-T

Okay, thank you

Yeah, nigga

Hello

Hello, Mr. Barrett

Yes

Yes, hi, I'm Andrew Cuchito

I'm with the front desk here

The country inn and suites

Is there some kind of problem, sir?

No, why?

What's with the usage of the bathroom?

Why have you used so much water?

I haven't

You haven't used it at all?

No, I've only flushed the toilet

When did you decide to just turn the shower on and leave it on?

I haven't

The shower has not been on

You can come up here now and look

Because the computer shows you're using a lot of water there.

I am not even touching the water, sir.

You can come up and take a look right now.

And you're lighting the fireworks there also?

No.

I know we're all in 320.

Yeah, I know.

Exactly.

Yeah, we're in 320.

We have complaints from 321 and 322 that you're lighting fireworks in there.

You can come up here.

I'm not doing any of that.

I need you to come down here and bring your key and go ahead and pack all your stuff up,

and we're going to check you out, okay?

Why?

Because you're being a nuisance.

You're walking up and down the hallways

With a baseball bat apparently

We see you on camera doing this

And then you went into your room 320

I'm looking at the camera inside room 320 right now

And I can see that you're walking around

That you've been playing the television really loud

Yeah you're walking around

Without a shirt playing the television really loud

No I'm not sure

You're using your laptop

I was on my laptop

Yeah exactly

I'm telling you I can see what you're doing

And then you took your clothes off and you went to the bathroom

room i'm telling you i can see everything you're doing inside the room it's freaking me out yeah

okay well i need you to get out of my hotel right now i need you to come down here to the front desk

and sign the papers and get out and you never come back don't you ever come back i want to

see you personally here motherfucker oh oh there's gonna be a mad person

ding ding ding ding

get out

here's a guy named

pee pee

no it's pepe

pee pee

he's calling

pee pee though

he's calling

hey pee pee

my name is

pee pee

alright

What a bitch, anyway, for doing this to her, right?

What's up?

That's what's up, nigga.

i need to speak to a guest cory ann do you know what room they're in nope i'm with the

transportation i'm sorry i'm with the transportation oh you're in a room no i yeah i'm with transportation

i'm with the transportation i need cory cory ann belazowich okay hold on one second all right

honey god you sound fucking hot man feeling it right now i'm feeling it right now yeah

belazowich you said yeah okay hold on one second i can go for some belazowich if you know what i

what i mean oh my name's sam sam sneed better recognize nobody answering in their room so i'm

not sure if maybe you could call their cell phone can you can you go over there knock on the door

they're probably fornicating if you don't mind holding yes i can okay thank you okay bye it's

actually gonna do it what's up nigga she cray cray if we're holding okay there's nobody in the

well they're not at least they're not answering their door so oh maybe they're in the toilet or

the bathroom right okay can you check on the computer see if they are on the toilet are you

Are you kidding me?

You can check on the water table, see if it's being used or not.

No, you cannot.

Well, the hotel I work at, I tell them all the time I can see that they're doing stuff

and they're running the shower too much or whatever.

You can't see that?

Yeah, we're not like that.

No, we can't see any of that kind of stuff.

Yeah, it's pretty much a piece of shit then there, huh?

I guess.

Pretty basic.

Yeah, it's a pretty piece of shit.

Okay.

Did you, like, need them to come pick you up, or...?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I need them to come pick...

Yeah, we're going to have a threesome in the hotel room.

okay sir i've been waiting okay exhale i've been waiting for a girl you gotta pick her up she's

like hi you have a really breathy voice thank you no it's not a compliment honey i need to speak to

a guest sure what's the last name miller hello she was all sassy you heard her she didn't want

want to say anything attitude hell no the guest you are trying to reach is not a big

practicing your sex line boy i speak black man

hey ma how you doing ma hello hey hey how are you honey okay i love that voice of yours you're

like a nice little pretty chicken yeah like a nice pretty little monkey uh-huh hey so can you

try to call can you go to their room and tell them to answer the phone please no i can't leave

the phone why not the operator because you're lazy no because i'm the operator what do you mean

you're the operator you don't have legs answer the phone for the hotel yeah so you can get up

and go run some tasks what i need you to go run some tasks this is okay what can i do for you sir

i need you to go on lock on jamie miller's door and tell them they need to pick up the fucking

and phone you know well can you call again but i need a warm transfer i don't want you to just

throw me through you know call get them to pick up then transfer me through you know what is the

first name jamie or lisa okay that's who i connected to okay all right do you have a big

clitoris do you want to be transferred back to her room yeah yeah unless you have a big fat clitoris

in that case you could put the phone down on your private parts i bet she'd like your beeps

the guest you are trying to reach is not available right now please hold oh i will hold for you baby

baby there's a guy in my building that calls me baby hotel operator this is money yeah are there

flies down there what are there flies down there what do you mean by your sexual organs do you have

a lot of flies down there sir i'm hanging up is you is or is you not my baby remember when thomas

the cat saying that to the girl cat oh that's an awesome cartoon when thomas was trying to get the

girl cat with the bow right here to fall in love with him he's like is you is not my baby is it

pretty it's a pretty i don't know if you had tom and jerry up in canadia but i think it's pretty

understood that tom the cat was african-american i think he seemed to be black there were little

hints of black his owner was a black lady mammy i think her name was i don't know as a kid you

you don't think about those things is there really a song that is what it was i can't swear he was

like he's playing like a four-string guitar like is you not my baby that's a real song is you is

or is you ain't my there it is here we go yeah here we go tom the cat is you is or is you ain't

my baby well let's have a listen to that tom's a pimp right he's playing the he's playing the

freaking cello right now with his feet with his claws on his feet man he's a fucking mac

oh and i see now remember see jerry is sleeping inside the the mouth hole uh right by where tom

is playing his music and it's making him rattle in bed while he's trying to sleep you know and

all you know this is where the bed little bed that he's got out of a sardine can starts bouncing

saying fuck this shit yeah he's like fuck this right now he's walking to the mail shoot that's

his door he's complaining you know jerry's a dickhead you know tom really isn't fucking him

with him that much sometimes you know and later on in the series he's thomas is like fuck it like

the episode starts and he's already chasing jerry he's like fuck you mother because you know some

shit went down right before that when that happens you know jerry was asking for it tom was probably

is chilling in the cut and you know jerry has to be uh tom is just chilling and jerry has to be

trying to steal turkeys and shit like that motherfucker you know that's tom's job tom is

just he's just like a cop or security guard that house and jerry's just being a cat like that's

what yeah it's his house the cat lives there the mouse isn't supposed to be in there the mouse

was supposed to be outside jerry's really he's a bad influence no wonder they don't play these

these things anymore or shit like this and it really pisses me off poor fucking tom man

kids cartoons used to be pretty crazy yeah the best is the dog that beats up tom all the time

he's got the he's got the the um the navel tattoo on him the anchor he just he like just punches

the shit out that bulldog just beats him up he's like a racist i know we used to watch really old

cartoons that were creepy as hell yeah so we had a fun vhs and stuff i used to i used to watch

all those warner brothers cartoons it's good stuff yeah yeah you can see all them on youtube

man it's awesome you ever get in the mood they got everything they got everything i'm sure they

were racist they were really racist against like the nazis and the and the japs yeah as they called

them back then like they would just have straight up cartoon hirohito's like with the big the big

Big buck teeth and the squinty eyes and shit, and you're like, oh!

Here's the Emperor of Japan.

Fuck him.

And the fairy tales.

Yeah, I remember my grandmother giving me a book, and it was scary.

You were scared of fairy tales?

No, the real ones are awful.

One was a fox and, like, eagles, and, like, they ended up killing each other's babies.

Oh, my God.

Burning them and shit.

I can totally see why you'd want to read that as a kid.

Probably why I'm all morbid and duck.

Yeah.

Not as bad as Bookaboo, though.

He's really fucked up.

Yeah, but the actual Grimm's fairy tales are gay.

Really?

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

You look them up.

Kind of like Cinderella and things like that.

Except they're, like, cut off right to their feet.

Let's see if Big Pink is open.

This is in Miami.

I'm calling, so this is right at the heart of South Beach.

Let's see if this starts with my nigga-dugga-dugga-ba-da-ba.

Thank you for calling Big Pink.

For delivery, press 1.

For the hostess, press 2.

For the general manager, press 3.

For Andrew Kaplan, press 4.

Hold while I transfer your call.

To the big...

The big pink.

Slap the big clit.

In the big pink.

You know?

No disabled for this extension.

Aww.

We're going to try that during the day one day.

During the day.

Do some of that dead shit, you know what I'm saying?

Shit, I can just kick back and smoke fat ass jokes.

You should also call the glory hole donuts.

I have to pull their...

Dr. Jerry's so high on this.

Hey, buddy, how are you?

I'm great, how are you?

I'm good, man.

huh um can you teach me some cool things to say yeah well like what's some cool things i can say

and how like some cool things to wear just like no clothes at all no but i mean like in public

and stuff even the black people okay even the blacks right hey what's the real ghetto place i

can call where they can teach me some cool things to say that will be open today you know any ghetto

areas here okay all right but this is long beach i just always heard like oh you know lbc kind of

thing you know but it's a beach it's like a beach wow yeah it's a bunch of white people here i'm

noticing this sucks because i i'm always around white people where i live in savannah georgia i'm

trying to learn like kind of things to say to be cool you know so like black people you know

they're you know how they're really cool you know yeah they're like real laid back and cool and

people like oh they like they're polite to them no no like you know vic v we call him v victor

he works with us over at uh oh you don't work with me that's right my bad but um there's this

guy victor that works for me in georgia and he's a black man he's really cool he's an accountant

and he's really cool man like he does really cool stuff yeah he says everyone likes him you know

yeah he's the one black guy that got working here ever since he started working i was like wow man

like he's you know these guys are kind of cool you know and then i started looking into the

culture and everything yeah no i'm on vacation here i came i came here on vacation yeah the

the beach i'm hanging out at the beach because i thought this was like a black people i thought

it was a black people beach you know like where where can i call where's that dude you'd be in

the know what what part of town is black part of town the what don't be come on seriously like

what roads like what part of town all right whatever you're not really helping me you're

fucking asshole bye bye dickhead you can't just tell me the bad parts of town the place where he

wouldn't stop to buy gas that's what i was looking for what's the gayborhood i don't know

he's making milkman style jokes oh good sky piss sky piss i'm just doing it apparently it's a thing

wasn't it east side right east side till i die let's look at east east side till i die oh i know

okay that there was the first the first album by warren g it was the name of the corner he used

to hang out what's that called let's see let me go to good old wikipedia right wasn't it

to 2-1 Lewis? 21st.

Alright, let's find 21st Street

in Long Beach.

East 21st Street, Long Beach,

California. Here we go. Now we're getting there.

God. Yeah.

Alright. Here's a

Little Caesars. This motherfucker's gotta be open.

Alright. And freeway.

Apparently. This is where everybody's

from. Cambodia Town.

District. Ooh, like a little Cambodia.

Anaheim Street.

Civic Coast Highway.

Long Beach, Colbert, Atlantic Avenue.

Hey, is this the ghetto?

Well, I guess that's kind of rude, right?

What?

Is this the ghetto?

There you go.

I must mean it is.

It's got to be, right?

Because I see Martin Luther King Jr. Avenue here now.

Long Beach Boxing and Fitness.

I forgot to hang it up.

Oh, yeah, Fohan.

So I think the Cambodians took it over.

side represent apparently it's a travel king national guard a museum that won't be open now

school polytechnic school is really cool actually if you look at the abandoned school

oh here we go liquor store that has to be promising yeah no let me split know what i mean

negro that's the stuff bro he's smoking a spliff and a zigzag god damn what a fucking vulture right

And he's like, I need to smoke weed, but only, hey, what's up, man?

You guys have zigzags?

No.

No?

Is this a black people liquor store?

No.

Is that a Hispanic, Mexican one?

No.

What kind of people come here?

Oh, you know, so why you ask too many questions, sir?

Are you Asian?

Because this area Long Beach, sir.

Long Beach.

Downtown Long Beach, okay?

So is it ghetto?

Yeah, old people.

Old, dirty people?

No, no, no, no, no.

Are you dirty?

Okay, I'm sorry.

I got to be busy, okay?

dirty korean dirty korean yeah he's korean he's the koreans that they always complain about hey

look there's a roscoe house of chicken and waffles right next here there we go so do you guys put the

chicken on the waffles yes that's what it is i think i've heard it's good i've never had it i

always thought that would be nasty but hey whatever chicken says yeah hey how are you i got

a problem there's a chicken loose here i'm in the you know frank's liquor store the the ghetto the

the black people liquor store here up the road i'm in the bathroom there's a chicken loose here

can you send one can you send a strong brother here to kill the chicken with a butcher knife

well she enjoyed it right she had fun yeah she's like highlight you stupid i made her sunday she's

probably high sunday you know you get high when you go to work on sunday you don't know because

you don't work because you're you're cancer on society oh no that's me i'm not the government

been done yeah you got it all hooked up in canada man that's what i gotta be yeah

you got that canadian citizenship wow get your drug fix but you gotta be putting a waiting list

for shit all the time that's what they tell us here like oh you don't want that we'll be like

canada you gotta wait 10 years to get a neck surgery it's socially free neck surgery yeah

elective neck surgery so you can't get like your boobs done and stuff right it's elective

no unless like i guess unless you had a mastectomy for cancer or some shit oh so you'd be hoping you

get the cancer for that yeah sure well like i know like all right he got his balls all big to get

medical marijuana listen there was there was this guy that used to call well he used to have a prank

call show on pcu with me the kdk network back in the day it was sean ward he lives in toronto

but he got like some kind of testicular cancer and they had to take out one of his testicles

but they wouldn't pay for

for the nudicle

yeah he said that like they he had the

option to get it done but the Canadian government

won't pay for it they would just remove it

he said and I was like okay

that's not nice at all

I bet France would do it France

they fucking you get like

they only work four days a week there

or some shit like that yeah someone

will come to your house yeah they'll do your

laundry at your house

that's awesome that's what's up

that's what I you know

i gotta get some french citizenship that's probably why all those kooky liberal actors

do that you know like brad pitt and them they all go to france once you talk about triple cheese

burger i don't remember this it's taking me a while because i don't know anything that's open

just scamming scamming through here someone find something that's open go on spices it's called

spices he's high who is this anyway this ain't a snooper dre some some guy that gave weed on

weed off of the street here smoke this and come this way if i hook you up can i be on your song

hey tomorrow's a big day what's gonna happen with that hey honey baby how are you it's good

yeah i thought this was spices what is it spires what's the spire me yeah it has big spires there

do you do the big meat do you do the big meat eat have big meat do you don't have the big

meat there the big long meat that you cook you cook it with heat the hot meat uh-huh hot meat

okay good can i make an order for one meat yeah okay what's the matter honey you all right what

do you think what do you recommend i want to cook the one that's cooked you know it has the spices

and there's nothing and you okay but is there one with heat that you cook with heat

okay there you go that's it one vegetables hello one two three four five have a great day one two

three four five someone called me like that i just choose for them he said it real distracting

this is all over the place he's like oh dude i gotta go all right you're like okay you're in beef

Calls (36, 2 h 3 min of 2 h 59 min)

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