MadhouseSearch

Cadillac Devil

9 Jul 2014 · 2 h 16 min · 11,157 words · source

Calls (28, 1 h 24 min of 2 h 16 min)
  1. Madhouse Live caller hangs up live 1.1 min clip ↓
  2. Bakery seafood department asked about toilet machine live 11.8 min clip ↓
  3. Chase Bank account discrimination complaint live 3.8 min clip ↓
  4. Disneyland Resort automated menu ivr 1.1 min clip ↓
  5. Floral department prank call live 4.4 min clip ↓
  6. Rug store owner asked about wrapping people live 3.1 min clip ↓
  7. Apartment rental inquiry with inappropriate remarks live 3.1 min clip ↓
  8. Cadillac DeVille car sale inquiry live 1.8 min clip ↓
  9. Voicemail box reached voicemail 41 s clip ↓
  10. Bermuda hay seller automated menu ivr 4.7 min clip ↓
  11. Bermuda hay seller sold to Satan live 2.0 min clip ↓
  12. Sanctuary voicemail message voicemail 2.3 min clip ↓
  13. TV volume complaint to neighbor live 1.4 min clip ↓
  14. Car dealership test drive request live 7.9 min clip ↓
  15. Denver Rooter and Drain mistaken call live 49 s clip ↓
  16. Library automated menu loop ivr 2.6 min clip ↓
  17. Denver Public Library order request live 3.2 min clip ↓
  18. Sharon Jones voicemail voicemail 47 s clip ↓
  19. Caller upset about 'honey baby' hang-up live 2.3 min clip ↓
  20. Zolar anniversary call playback playback 1.7 min clip ↓
  21. Manager called about unclean bathroom behavior live 5.1 min clip ↓
  22. Hotel toilet usage inquiry from Asia live 6.6 min clip ↓
  23. Calling Intercontinental San Francisco for Victor Ciccone live 2.0 min clip ↓
  24. Spa guest named Pubic prank call live 1.5 min clip ↓
  25. Disneyland Hotel automated menu ivr 6.5 min clip ↓
  26. Windsor Arms Hotel transfer request live 1.1 min clip ↓
  27. Windsor Arms Hotel voicemail voicemail 44 s clip ↓
  28. Super 8 Reservations asked about toilet live 48 s clip ↓

Transcript

My Little Pony might be opening some people's minds about what is acceptable in behavior for men
and what it means to be a man and whether or not being sensitive and being caring is part of being a man.
Maybe those are like little seeds that are being planted into the world and into society
that in years to come might make a difference somewhere.
You little monkey.
You bastard.
you're listening to the madhouse radio prank cast assuming that we have other submarines out there
ready to launch captain i must assume that our submarines could have been taken out by other
akulas we play these games all night mr hunter but i don't have the luxury of your presumptions
mr hunter we have rules that are not open to interpretation personal intuition gut feelings
hairs on the back of your neck little devils or angels sitting on your shoulders we're all very
well aware of what our orders are and what those orders mean they come down from our commander in
chief they contain no ambiguity mr hunter i've made a decision i'm captain of this boat
slice two sir we don't know what this message means our target package could have changed you
repeat this order or i'll find somebody who will you're relieved to your position cob remove the
control room zimmer in here right now no sir i do not concur and i do not recognize your authority
to relieve me under command under navy regulations operating procedures governing the release of
nuclear weapons we cannot launch our missiles unless both you and i agree
Ah, what are you waiting for?
This is expressly why your command must be repeated.
It requires my assent. I do not give it.
And furthermore, you continue upon this course
and insist upon this launch without confirming this message first,
I will be forced to act by the rules of precedence
of the Canadian command,
regulations number 815
to place the XO under arrest on the charge of mutiny.
I say again, I order you to place the XO
under arrest on the charge of mutiny.
Please, the XO is right.
We can't launch unless he concurs.
USS Alabama, rebel-controlled missiles being fueled.
Launch codes compromised. Dissonance. Threatened launch at continental United States.
Set DEFCON 2. Immediately launch 10 Trident missile sorties.
They're fueling their missiles! We don't have time to fuck around!
Take this over.
Captain, I relieve you of your command of this ship.
T-minus 92 minutes away from the launch of STS-26 and its crew of five.
And we have heard that we'll hold at 31 seconds.
Not good news. They're going to stop it at 31 seconds.
Jeff, that's correct.
The words I'm reading right now, the pressure rate of change.
50 seconds and counting. We're going to clear the air and proceed.
And a concurrence from the launch director to proceed.
And if we clear, we will not stop the 31-year-old.
That's correct.
We will not stop the 31-year-old.
We have to stop by.
T-minus 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10.
We're going for a main engine start in 7, 6, 3, 2, 1, 0.
And off.
Americans return to space as the Discovery clears the tower.
All right, you're all discovered.
Control program is now rolling.
One order, please.
One order, please.
Hello?
I wasn't ready.
I wasn't going to hold, motherfucker.
Located at 9th and Downing.
For the bakery, please press 1.
Yeah, I need to talk to the fish machine.
You mean the seafood department?
The fish machine.
Just one moment.
Okay.
Is this the fish machine?
Oh, hi.
Hi.
Uh-huh.
Preferably vegetarian salmon.
What do you mean?
No.
Oh, what a C word.
Damn it.
i was just being nice saying hi what i try to be nice now and say hi like to the girls and stuff
you just want to get in my pants and fuck me that's what i think yeah i need to talk to seafood
now shut up levels bitch yeah you have apartments for rent still we have one on um 14th floor is it
is it in the back no it's facing north actually oh it's in the front somewhere
Facing north, uh-huh.
Is it the display model?
No, it's a different layout.
Oh, good.
That's nice.
And how many toilets in it, bathrooms?
What?
How many toilet machine?
Oh.
We just want.
Just one toilet machine?
Yes.
Okay.
And it's a nice toilet?
I'm sure, yes.
Okay.
You can sit on it and everything and push out your bowel movement and everything and
urinate?
I'm sure.
Yes, I'm sure, yeah.
Okay.
And you put the toilet paper in there after you're done?
You wipe your...
I'm sure, yeah.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
All right.
how much how much urine how much urine does it hold important question
if this is a pastoral emergency such as a death
middle finger is extended at my computer monitor now for some reason
hi this fool i want to make order for food can i get for you one fool with what kind of protein
full full you know that one the full how you say it yes how yes full full full that one
one okay all right one meat do you want rare beef or brisket or both oh just the meat just
regular meat okay put it in there yeah yeah put the meat in the fool and can you can you describe
how the fool is the fool a lot of spices in it like uh cinnamon caramel nutmeg
really good oh yeah fuck yeah yeah oh how long does it take to take a shit after you eat that
no how long does it take usually do you have a bowel movement does it have a lot of broth yeah
so it kind of it goes fast you know how coffee when you drink coffee in the morning and then
you have to take a shit in the toilet really quick right after i don't need what do you drink
full no don't drink caffeine do you have full in the morning though no no is that a thing you have
full in the morning yeah yeah a lot of people have it for hangovers oh yeah yeah that's cool i
my uncle had in vietnam he said he had a fool and then fuck he said he would do yeah he said he
would uh he would have a bowl of fool while he was porking the his vietnamese hooker like he'd
be on top of her like and he would hold the bowl with both hands and he'd take big sips out of it
he said it was like it's like a hot soup and it would get all over her breast and stuff and she
liked it though she liked the hot feeling of it she said it was good for her hangovers and then
And then she moved to the United States, and she moved to Denver,
and she got a job at this place called Foo on 6th Street, 6th Avenue.
Yeah, and she answers the phone there.
Who is this?
Huh?
I'm a pervert.
I'm perverted.
I'm perverted.
Can you see your iPhone?
Yeah, yeah, I do.
I'm just perverted.
Maybe you should wait for me to get there so I can see how it's made, you know?
Yeah, yeah.
You sound like you have sexy body, sexy hair.
Okay, I'm perverted.
I'm a friend of the business, and I'm perverted.
I'm a friend of you guys.
You guys know me, and I'm perverted.
I'm sure you have a pretty good idea of who I am, right?
Okay, well, I'm perverted.
I'll let you know.
When I come in next time, I'll be like, I'm the pervert, like that.
And I go, shh.
All right, I'm tired of this.
So, all right?
Don't make it.
Don't make it, please.
Don't make it, all right?
Okay, all right, bye.
Fucking call.
Fuck it.
Call Chase, Firehouse Square.
This is Aaron.
Is this Sexy Bank?
I'm sorry?
Is this Sexy Bank?
This is Chase Bank.
Sexy.
It's sexy, though, right?
Chase Bank.
Yeah, but it's really sexy in there.
It looks nice and sexy.
Sexy girls with the money and tellers.
What can I do for you today?
I wanted to open an account.
Do you handle that?
Are you an account opener?
I am an account opener.
Yeah, because you're like a man.
So usually you sit there in your suit and glasses and you sit at a desk and then the sexy women just handle the cash, right?
And the deposits and stuff.
Not necessarily.
I don't know if this call is appropriate.
If you're thinking about opening an account, it's the best option.
You know there's rules about discriminating against someone who's trying to open an account.
You know that, right?
I know my rights.
Definitely not discriminating.
Well, if you're telling me you're not going to open the account with me, then I'm going to say that's discrimination.
Absolutely not.
Okay, good.
What I was going to do is I was going to invite you in to sit down and discuss different account options.
I think that's, sir, that's inappropriate.
appropriate not to open an account you do have to come into a you just you just need a signature
that's it i can do everything else over the phone or online i'm not able to open accounts over the
phone uh you do have options to open them online yeah all right but for you to come there and
invite me it sounds very quid pro quo you know and i'm not i'm not i don't i'm not into those
backdoor shenanigans maybe i've been curious a few times but i would never do it i would never
ever go through with it okay okay yeah maybe this isn't the bank for me if you're going to do
business like that where you're telling me to come in and you know kind of like scratch your back and
you'll scratch mine kind of thing you know not at all that's what you just said you you invited me
to come in and you like made an innuendo you yeah you did you went in regards that you replaced it
too so if you sir look at your body language right now look at how your body language is
You can see me right now?
I have a camera phone.
Okay, well...
Your phone doesn't have camera on it?
It does not.
Well, I have a camera phone.
They all come with camera now.
Sometimes I have two, one in the front, one in the back.
Like I said, if you'd like to stop by this location, discuss a cat...
Like I said.
Like I said.
Like I said.
Okay.
Like I said, okay?
Like I said.
That's how you said it.
Like I said.
Is there anything else I can do for you today?
You shake your head left and right a little bit.
Like I said.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Like I said.
Do you have any questions that I can answer for you or anything that I can do for you today?
Is there a man I can talk to?
It depends on what you need to speak to them about.
I'm making a complaint about a lady that I'm talking to right now.
Okay.
What kind of complaint?
Just making sexual innuendos, discriminating about opening my account with them.
Okay.
Okay, so this is not an appropriate phone call?
Well, you're rolling your eyes and everything at me.
I see what you're doing.
You just rolled your eyes.
Okay.
If you would like to stop by any Chase location, discuss opening an account,
we'd be more than happy to help you out with that.
Okay, I'll go to the straight one.
Thank you.
Okay.
Bye.
Have a good one.
Bye.
Thank you in Corona's safe way.
Using your touch-tone phone, make a selection from the following choices,
or stay on the line and your call will automatically transfer to our customer service desk.
Please listen to the options as our menu has changed.
For store hours and location information, press 1.
For our bakery, press 2.
For our deli, press 3.
For our floral department, press 4.
For our pharmacy, press 1.
One moment, please.
That's right, the Disneyland Resort,
home to Disneyland Park and Disney California Adventure Park,
Now feature exciting attractions and entertainment, like Cars Land or the Enchanting Fantasy Fair.
Be sure to buy your Disneyland Resort tickets at the gift card mall, so you can bypass the ticket booths and go straight to the gate.
So buy now and get your smile on, because your ticket to happiness starts right here.
See ticket for details and restrictions.
My name is Carlito, and I do the best prank calls in the world.
several people try to be like me and imitate me and steal my people away but they always fail
for the last nine years yeah
hello how are you sir i don't know how are you what can i do for you that i'm doing well too
are you in the floral apartment i actually in the main desk but i can also cover floral
Oh, you're pretty effeminate then?
No, I just have covered the department floor.
Oh, really?
Yes.
That's unfortunate.
Is there a woman I can talk to about flower arrangements?
Proper ones?
Yes, sir.
Give me a moment.
Thank you.
Where, there, where, where, I live, hold in.
I
can get a relationship.
She's on lunch.
I'll have her call you right back.
Where's she at at lunch?
In the break room?
She's out at the store.
Oh, is there any restaurants by there?
Do you think she went to the Chase Bank?
I just talked to them.
Sir, I know she went to lunch.
I don't know if she's on the building.
That's all I know, unfortunately.
Do you know Fool on 6?
Do you know that place?
yes have you been there before yes so what can i do for you exactly well maybe i'll maybe we can
go to full and see if she's there you didn't hang it up right i'll hang it up for you i finished
chapter one of my prank call book i'm excited about it you guys watch out for that next coming
next coming years hey is this greek yeah it's like a greek i'm turkish a lot of that kind of
yeah turkish and greek together yeah a lot of like uh there's a lot of like persian influences
that's disgusting people like it's you're describing like the most disgusting people
in the world turkish greek and iranian are you a african-american or what are you are you asian
oh you sound asian are you are you an asian oriental what are you not asian either where
were you from buddy okay all right you must be all right that's nice you want to be my little
little chicken come on you won't no look it's not anything bad
echo echo uh-oh stupid prank call
sounds like a fight scene on the original star trek or just like a documentary showing
dinosaurs fighting animated dinosaurs fighting the stegosaurus uses his funny tail
good do you have rugs there we have lots of rugs here yeah do you get to lay them all out and
everything yeah all right yeah i like to touch and kiss them lick them a little bit lay down on
them you know on the floor which are they all are they all a good size to wrap up people in
eddie eddie eddie who cross are they a good size are they a good size yeah um could i have because
i have a broken ankle can you lay down just so i can see how you look laid down on the carpet on the
oriental rug? No, you can lay down
on it. I can't. I have a broken ankle. I can't
get down on the ground like that. Yeah, I got a
bad back. Though that's good for you.
The floor is good for a bad back.
It is. Hey, Eddie, can I
help you, man? Yeah, I just
want to look at some rugs, but I need someone to lay
down on them. Yeah, come on in. I'll get
one of my guys to lay down on them. Okay, and then
I'll wrap them up in it. Perfect.
Okay, and then I'm going to pick them up. I'm going
to drag them out to my
SUV, and then I
i use baseball bats and i hit the sides of the rug all the sides of it and then i'll drive out
to a bridge and i'll throw them off the bridge into the river okay that's okay okay all right
all right yeah when you come when you coming in labia yeah do you know what labia is yes of course
yeah which which is your favorite the inside or outside labia are you gonna come by the store
yeah yeah but what's your calendar so we know when to expect you i'll come in tomorrow what's
What's your favorite labia, though, the inside or the outside one?
The inside one is my favorite.
I don't know if I have a favorite.
Okay.
Well, you know how you go down, you kiss first around, and you blow gently?
Am I teaching you all new stuff?
Is this what you do?
Hilarious.
Hey, I'm kind of busy, though, so if you're coming in tomorrow, we'll see you tomorrow.
All right, honey.
Thanks, buddy.
Bye.
Eddie Cross.
See ya.
The church is located on the corner of Spearboro and our office out there.
I tried calling you once, and it went to voicemail.
Yes, I know, and I'm sorry.
I think that I hit a button on it when I picked it up.
Oh, it's a good thing I called again just in case, huh?
Yes, yes, it is.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, fuck yeah.
I got my penis out.
I saw that you have an apartment that you're renting.
What?
I saw that you have an apartment that you're renting.
Yes.
Okay.
Does that include utilities at all?
No.
Okay, but how much is the electricity average, like a month?
Do you know at all?
It is about 100, right around 100, 120.
And in the extreme cold or heat, it's going to, you know, go higher or lower.
You got central AC or in the windows?
Yes.
Central, so I can take my penis out and dry it and everything in the cold air?
Okay, I'm talking.
No, no, no, no.
I was just, come on.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
Holy shit.
there's there's there's really an eddie cross who is a member of parliament in zimbabwe wow
who knew there'd be a zimbabwean with that name let alone a member of parliament i'm gonna have
to track that guy down huh he's married with two children and four thoroughbred champion horses
what are the chances huh awesome that is hilarious all right yeah hi you have the devil car
the what you have a 93 cadillac devil for sale devil devil yeah 93 cadillac devil car
beige with tan interior and it has ac is a good ac yes good all right and how long you had the
car what can you tell me is it a good running car yes okay all right that's good and it has
the devil in it this is the real base model yeah so it's based on the devil as it has the devil
engine and all that 4.9 4.9 devil engine good nice and evil huh like you drive down there's black
smoke come out of the back of it flies come out of it flies come out of the tailpipe and everything
oh no it's not a satanic car that the devil drives no oh because i'm looking for like a devil like a
a satanic devil-worshipping car that I can drive around
and I want to drive off of a bridge with it for the devil.
I want to look for a car to drive off a bridge for the devil.
I want to be like, I'm for the devil, yeah.
Does it say Cadillac DeVille on it anywhere?
Does it say it?
Yeah, it's on the car.
Yeah, so I can scratch off the L and the E at the end, right,
and make it a Cadillac Devil.
You could.
And I'll drive it through church.
You could?
Yeah.
I'll drive it to church
And I'll play like this devil music
Really loud and I'll be like
I'm Enoch Enoch like that
And I'll give candy
And satanic bibles to the kids
That come out of the church
I'm like hey little kid look
This is the Satan bible
It's much more fun you get to fuck in it
And everything you have fucking in the woods
And you get to worship fire
You know you worship fire
Alright motherfucker
motherfucker that's great well all right motherfucker i want you to remember tennessee's
a red state all right whatever red for the devil motherfucker wow me too don't put a skeleton in
there like a fake skeleton that you have in biology class what do they make the teeth out of
i used to hear like there were baby horse teeth i used to hear there were real teeth that are on
those um skeleton models they're not fake they're real teeth they're enamel and shit i never quite
I don't quite understand where they come from.
You have reached the voicemail box of 865-
Oh, bullshit.
The voicemail box of 865-
Nooooooo!
Nooooo!
No!
No!
Double!
To send your message, press 1 at any time.
To listen to your message, press 2.
To re-record, press 3.
for more options to send your message press one at any time to listen to your message
message sent thank you for calling goodbye no music on that it's still fun this guy doesn't
know how to sell spell bermuda it says have bermuda hay for sale b-u-r-m-u-t-a i'm pretty
pretty sure he meant to say like bermuda like bermuda grass bermuda hay yeah let's burn some
bales of hay four dollars a bale i'd buy a few bales of hay for four bucks each that's a pretty
good price motherfucker yeah you have some bermuda hay yes i do and it's four dollars a bale how big
the bale well probably weighs 50 60 pounds oh that's pretty big all right yeah because i want
to build a big fire for satan in the fields we're going to have a satanic thing we're going to
build a big bonfire in the middle and we're all gonna dance around it naked like hell satan you
know how long it's awfully expensive it's awfully expensive how you to burn up on you think well
no it's just four bucks each how long do you think a bale of hail burn for no i don't know
really never been set one on fire you think maybe like five minutes for a bale that might be right
right oh yeah five or ten minutes yeah how much gasoline you think i should use for each bale
Well, you wouldn't have to use none.
You think it'll just go up like a tinderbox, right?
Yeah, it's pretty dry.
It has to be dry to bale it.
How many bales can I get?
How many do you have available?
A lot or just a few?
Oh, I've got, oh, let's see, 140.
Wow.
About probably 200 right now.
Pretty soon I'll mow it again.
All right, so let's say I want 50 of them.
Can you cut me a deal off the $4 a bale?
No, no, no deal.
four dollars four dollars four dollars each solid i command you to give it to me for 175 dollars
kiss my eyes motherfucker he's like fuck you satan motherfucker
kiss my ass satan worshiper motherfucker you don't turn into a demon right on the phone ma
come on i'm sorry i lost my temper i'm sorry don't deal with people who lose their temper
All right, so $200 solid for 50 bales.
You think this will fit in a U-Haul truck?
Forever load is about 90 bales.
Yeah, you've got a pretty good-sized U-Haul truck.
Yeah, all right.
And the rest of them I can maybe put on top of my car.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, good.
All right, so, wow, it's going to be like a really long, big fire for Satan.
We're going to call down Satan to come from the ground, you know,
I ain't interested in all that.
I ain't interested in all that.
Well, no, you just have to sell me the,
hey, I'm going to burn it for Satan, for the dark lord.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
I'll sell it to anybody.
Yeah, that's what I'm, yeah, even to me,
the dark lord of Satan.
I don't care, I don't care what you do with it.
I am Satan, I will burn it.
Yes, I'm going to burn it in a field.
Don't start that bullshit with me.
Don't you start that shit with me.
Say that shit to me, motherfucker.
Devil motherfucker.
Aloha.
You have reached the sanctuary.
Aloha.
Fucking lazy Catholics
Not answering the phone motherfucker
I tried Ted Webb
I tried to your request
Sorry
What is this Mexico
Yeah, I have a really big headache.
Can you please turn it down?
The channel, the TV channel, can you please turn it down?
the abc channel 7 can you please turn it down i have a really bad headache it's like a migraine
and it's way too loud the tv is way too loud turn off your tv sir i can't i'm not a lot there's no
function on at all on the remote i'm not able to do it no i can't i'm wheelchair bound i can't
get back there turn it down you can't yeah you can't i had that i had them do this already once
No, you haven't.
Yes, I have.
Have you?
Yes, I have.
Yes, I have.
Uh-huh.
Are you actually yelling at me right now?
Yeah, I command you to turn it down.
You command me to turn it down?
I command you.
Really?
I order you to turn it down in the name of the FCC.
You're ordering me in the name of the FCC to turn down our TV?
Oh, yes.
Do you really think that's going to work?
Of the Food and Drug Administration and the Federal Communications Commission, I command you to do it.
You don't have the authority.
Yes, I do.
I don't recognize your authority.
i work for the i i live here and it's my brain okay can i talk to kenneth no i can't talk to
anybody i need to know what the frequency is smart ass fucking liberal media channel
in the name of the food and drug administration and the fcc i command and i order
Yep, that's what I said.
What are these guys talking about?
Hey, how you doing, boy?
Thank you. What can I do for you?
I need to talk to a man about buying a car.
What kind of car are you interested in?
A car machine.
Sir, do you want Cadillac, Volvo, pre-owned sales, new...
Volvo?
New Volvo?
Volvo or a Labia?
I'm sorry?
either a vulva or a labia just one second i will page bubble sales for you thank you do you do want
a new one yeah and it has to be make sure it's a man that i deal with like a white man she
understood labia she understood labia i'm pretty sure she misunderstood vulva too
hello why did you why did you say good like that what happened for me you just said good like that
what happened i must be your connection no no like you picked up when you went good and you
stayed quiet for like three seconds i don't know what happened you get nervous no i didn't know
there's a problem on your end oh are you a salesman yes asshole salesman yeah um so i'm
looking at the vulvas here the car machine oh yeah the car machines the new ones right do you
get commission for those things when i when you buy them do you get a commission motherfucker
fucker oh oh no he said mfr oh no dear my pussy lips
cadillac sales please
hello what'd you do she heard me say vulva question me and then just transfer me in
what's up ted webb what's up buddy
Thank you for calling.
This is Ryan at Cadillac Sales.
Hey, boy.
How are you doing?
Doing well.
How are you?
Good.
What was your name?
My name is Ryan.
All right, boy.
That sounds good.
What time are you guys open there in the showroom doing those things, those car machines?
We're open until 7 tonight.
Okay.
Sounds good.
And to test drive a new Cadillac machine, do you have the Cadillac Devil, first of all?
The Cadillac what?
The Devil?
The Devil?
They don't make them new anymore.
more we have some used ones upstairs i'm sure oh no i want new all the way well some other kind
of cat like like an suv or a mid-range motherfucker you know uh yeah yeah um what do i need in order
to test drive i just need insurance driver's license what i need my glasses uh insurance
driver's license and pants pants would be good yeah glasses too condoms glasses if you can't see
okay and can i bring a baseball bat with me you're more than welcome to okay why wouldn't you advise
it what could happen what you're gonna use a baseball bat for it's just in case i feel like
swinging it around the car i wouldn't advise that either unless you get good insurance you're gonna
cover it well if it doesn't get well i mean if it gets messed up obviously the car is inferior
i'm not gonna buy it i'm not gonna buy a car that you just you know swing a baseball bat at and
things happen to well do something to it if you actually struck it yeah exactly yeah and you know
there's lemon laws in this state anyway i hope you know yeah all right so if i start swinging
in the bat and let's say it dents the the hood or breaks a window or damages a tire or something
that's that's the car should not have done that it's not supposed to do that well if you strike
it it's going to be uh irresponsible for you since you're the one that swung the baseball bat well
i it's you're telling me i have to have good insurance but insurance isn't going to cover
that because it's not an accident it was on purpose that's a good that's a good point
so it's your insurance then no we'll call the police well i'll just leave i'll deny it anyway
way but if you take it on a test drive then i'll already have your insurance and driver's license
yeah but that doesn't mean that i damaged the car you can't prove that i guess we could see
but i can drive the how far can i drive the car can i drive the car out to like boulder
no how far can i go a couple miles like maybe out to boulder and then then we'll get out and
we'll switch positions and i'll i'll hit i'll break some of the windows on the car and dent
it up a little bit okay can you demonstrate for me how you change a tire on the car
Nope, I'm not going to do that either.
I can show you wherever.
You're supposed to show me everything.
I'll show you how it all works.
Yeah, show me how the jack works and how the car goes up
and how you take the lug nuts off and take the wheel down
and then put a donut on it.
You can teach me all that.
Yeah, you can.
And then you bring the jack down.
And then we'll test drive with the donut on it
so I see how good it drives with the spare tires on.
Most of them don't even come with spare tires anymore.
What am I supposed to do then?
Do I have to buy an extra tire?
Yeah, roadside assistance for six years or 70,000 miles.
No, I need a tire.
I need a tire.
Because sometimes I go, like, to the ghetto to buy drugs and stuff like that,
and you can't call AAA out there.
Yeah, well, you could.
Yeah, or I'll be with, like, a hooker or something.
That could be as well.
Yeah.
Will you guys do something if I get, like, a hooker in the car and it gets damaged,
you know, that I need to get the tire fixed or whatever it is,
the roadside assistance?
I mean, as far as once you buy the car?
Yeah.
You know, roadside assistance.
I don't know what they do.
Yeah.
Do you think they'd tell my wife if they saw that I had, like, a hooker in there?
Probably.
I hope not.
Yeah.
All right.
So I'm going to come down there on my baseball bat, buddy.
You want a coffee or something?
No, I'm good.
All right.
Do you like Chipotle?
I do.
Do you want a burrito bowl?
Sure.
All right.
I'll get you a burrito.
What do you like?
Carnitas?
A chicken?
Steak?
What do you like?
We'll go with chicken.
All right.
What do you like?
Guac?
What do you like?
No, nothing else.
Nothing else?
okay all right buddy all right love you see you later buddy
no i'm calling from outside of well i'm in denver now i'm staying at a hotel okay where's your
property that needs the toilet oh it's the i don't know i'm in vancouver canada i'm in vancouver
canada i'm in denver right now yeah is your property in vancouver why are you in vancouver
Because that's where we are.
Well, it says Denver, Rooter, and Drain.
Okay, I think you dialed the wrong number.
No, no, this is what the internet, Google, says.
I'm going to apologize.
Well, you're stupid.
Maybe that's what the problem is.
Speaking of stupid, let's all listen to this song while I get some more water
and take my pork roast out of the oven before it burns.
Stay tuned.
Information, including renewals, press 1.
For librarian assistance, finding materials, and other information, press 2.
For new books, popular magazines, large print, and teen materials, press 1.
For children's materials, including children's music and movies, and for information regarding children's programs, press 2.
For movies, music, audiobooks, and information regarding fresh city life programs, press 3.
For general research help and assistance...
I did not recognize that as a valid entry.
For new books, popular magazines, large print...
Wait while I transfer your call.
please wait rude bitch hello hello oh hey how are you how you doing are you trying to call the
library machine you're trying to call the library machine that's you guys right what can i help you
with the bathrooms i i don't understand what you're asking the men's room i'm calling to see
what the action is like in the men's room today the cruising i can't help you with that i'm sorry
Sorry, is there anything else I can help you with?
Is there a man I can talk to?
No.
I'm looking for a title.
Sorry.
I'm looking for a title to new release.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
What do you need?
Okay.
The name?
What title?
Yeah, that would be helpful.
I'm not sure how to spell it.
It's called...
Do you have?
Okay, thank you.
Come again.
Library account information, including renewals, press 1.
I did not recognize that as a valid entry.
I did not recognize that as a valid entry.
For library account information, including renewals, press 1.
Books, popular magazines.
Wait while I transfer your call.
Denver Public Library, Books and Borrowing, this is Shelly.
I'm calling to make an order.
Uh-huh, you just called a moment ago, didn't you?
No.
Okay, what can I help you with?
One books.
I'm sorry?
One books.
One books?
Mm-hmm.
Yes, can I please reserve that, one books?
What are you trying to reserve?
One books.
One books?
Yes, plural.
Is that the title?
Yes.
Just a moment.
No, I don't see anything by that title.
Do you know who the author is?
I don't.
I have a few more, though, for the report.
There is, let me see, what is it called?
Oh, I Fell Down the Stairs?
I don't have a title by that.
Okay.
I gave myself this black eye.
I do have that one.
Okay.
Can I get your card number?
74279.
Yeah, our card numbers don't start that way.
B.
Do you have your card with you?
B.
I'm sorry?
B.
B as in boy?
Yeah.
That's not our card.
Do you have a Denver Public Library card?
B as in spoon.
Yeah, that's not how our cards start.
I'm sorry, I can't hold without...
Oh, Lord.
But you do have it in.
you do what's it called what's who's the author for that one let me check oh wait no i don't see
it well i thought you said you had it no i don't see it so you lied your card number please you
lied you were dishonest to me can i get your card number please no all right and then i can't help
you i'm sorry no there is something i can give you the card number okay it's n-o-d-a-d-d-y all
All right, I'm going to hang up now, and please stop calling me.
I'm going to hang up now.
She didn't have that one.
I was excited that I gave myself this blackout.
I'm not banning anybody levels.
I'm presuming that's someone else because I'm not.
I'm doing the show.
I got someone right now is like,
you know, so-and-so says you're banning them.
So-and-so says you're banning them.
Why are you banning them?
Not me.
I'm not banning anybody.
Who cares anyway?
Just listen.
No one cares what you have to say
First, I gotta tell you, there are no bands in IRC
No new bands
Since I started my broadcast
I have no idea what you're talking about
Gentlemen
Hi, this is Sharon Jones
I'm not in right now
But if you leave me your name and number
I got a vibrator in my ass
And I say I'm a bee
And I turn it on and run around the room
What?
Hey, I called once
You didn't pick up
Hello, who is this?
It's Eddie
Eddie Cross
You have some stuff advertised
You're trying to get rid of?
cousin are you just talking about the yard sale yeah you have some stuff you're gonna be selling
right honey baby huh okay oh man i just gotta stop saying honey baby because lately it's gone
from women just laughing it off to just straight up immediate hang-ups i mean seriously what is
going on here you get a black band in the white house and this shit starts happening baby i'm an
an idiot so sorry cracker that we got upset yeah we got disconnected i'm sorry it was because i
said honey baby i'm sorry that was rude you know talk to you so um can i just can i just i just
want to ask some questions about what you might have there and then i'm sorry i didn't you know
my mom says i shouldn't say that anymore that women don't like that anymore um to be called
honey and baby and stuff and i'm i you're right i'm sorry i should not say that so you can just
Just come and look at the stuff tomorrow when everybody else is there.
Do you have anything that I can use to make whiskey or alcohol with?
No.
All right.
Don't count no more.
I have sexual organs.
count no more it's been forwarded to an automatic voice message system
four two three seven what's up the zolar big glenn zolar yeah tuning in love you man one year
anniversary well nine year anniversary for zolar on the air coming up i think like in a week or two
and then mine is the week after that one year of zolar well i keep saying that nine years of zolar
Zolar on the air and nine years of Carlito on the air.
I have to do something for the 10-year anniversary, Zolar.
Me, you, and KDK, and Lego, that old crew.
That would be awesome to get us all together on a show together.
Like where it first started, we'd have to have KDK, Zolar, me, Lego.
I've tracked down regularly.
He never returns my calls.
I've got his voicemail.
I leave him a voice.
I say, hey, man, what's up?
It's Carlito from back in the day.
We miss you.
Maybe just give me a call.
Let me know how you're doing.
That's all.
you know and he just never answers i guess he's not interested but yeah yeah yeah i'm here don't
worry guys i'm here just looking at some stuff picking a different spot for some number you're
there for calling fedex office office and print center please choose from the following options
what for our fax number i was paying attention center hours or our love address i thought it
it was on hold oh fuck it i thought it was on hold whoops stupid back to pink floyd you need
to speak to a customer who's there she's on answering phone what is your name katie she's
a customer uh-huh blonde hair white girl nice and sexy is she by herself or i'm not sure okay
okay buddy hello yeah i went around several tables and nobody with a name here oh did you
you look in the toilet excuse me did you look in the toilet i cannot go inside the bathroom
why not i cannot go in myself sir why not yourself i don't know what you mean sir
why can't you go to toilet why can't you go to toilet because i am a man okay but you can go in
the men's toilet and see you say it's a lady yeah i know but maybe she's in the man's toilet
hello there's nobody in the restroom sir did you but you can't go to the girl's restroom right
I already sent somebody to check that, sir.
Oh, a girl you sent there?
Yes.
Okay, good.
Did you check the kitchen?
Please, are you playing around with me, sir?
No, you didn't check the kitchen?
Let me check.
Let me call the manager on duty.
Give me one second.
Duty?
What do you mean?
Oh, what are you talking about?
Don't call him a duty.
That's mean.
Did you go into the bathroom yourself?
The men's room?
Yes, I did.
You didn't wash your hands?
You went to the men's room and you didn't wash your hands?
Disgusting.
Let me get my manager, okay?
Disgusting.
Let me call my manager, okay?
Okay, motherfucker.
To kin, teenagers, and love.
Hello?
Who's this?
Can I help you?
Are you manager?
This is Diana Barrios.
How may I help you?
But are you manager?
Yes, I am.
Oh, but you're a woman.
Yes.
That's a problem, you know?
What can I help you with, sir?
Is there a man manager I can talk to?
No, sir.
I'm the owner.
Can I help you with something?
Oh, that explains everything.
The bad service.
What can I help you with, sir?
Do you know who it is I was just talking to?
No, sir.
You don't know who it is I was just talking to?
no i just heard that the phone was on hold so i picked it up okay well i was just talking to
someone there and he went he went to the men's room and he didn't wash his hands when he came
out and i saw it i have proof and everything one of our employees did that yeah he went to the
bathroom he went inside the bathroom and he came out and he hadn't washed his hands and he admitted
it on on everything he said i asked him on the phone and he said yeah i didn't wash my hands i
I went inside the bathroom and I came outside of the bathroom and I didn't wash my hands, he said.
Well, if you'd like to come over here and show me your proof, I'd love to see it.
Well, it's him.
He said it.
I have him on the phone.
I don't know who he is.
Find out.
Go find out.
You need to take care of this.
You need to take care of this.
You.
I will take care of it.
I command you to take care of it now.
Okay.
Thank you, sir, for calling.
I appreciate it.
Listen, I'm a man.
I'm telling you, you have to, motherfucker.
Motherfucker, I said you have to, my man.
that was a waste of a hold he did say he went into the bathroom came out and didn't wash his hair
i'm not lying day brazil offers table side assorted side dishes such as fried bananas
prepared with a hint of cinnamon and sugar bananas and the always hard resist cheese bread
make sure you try out our award-winning dessert when the texas day brazil have bread and bananas
That isn't shit.
It was always just their pasta bar, salad bar, and the big-ass meat.
Fuck.
I got to get back up in that motherfucker.
Hey!
Hey!
How you doing, little girl?
Little honey baby, how are you?
That's good.
That's good.
She hung up on me.
Either that or I ran out of credit
I think I ran out of credit
I might have to buy some more
I'm in the ambiotic fluid over here
I'm in the ambiotic fluid
I'm in the ambiotic fluid
Do you guys take
She didn't hang up
Yeah
items seasonal salad area your all-you-can-eat experience is only heightened as a trip of carvers
roam the restaurant offering various cuts of beef chicken lamb pork and brazilian
i ain't gonna hold for that motherfucking shit okay guys it's amniotic i'm sorry all right i'm
sorry i was publicly educated in florida enough said thank you leave me alone we didn't learn
Learned about sexual organs in Florida and a red state like Florida.
And school.
The hell's wrong with this song?
God, Pink Floyd.
Fucking killing me, motherfuckers.
Do some Dark Side of the Moon Machine.
Let me order them here by track.
Before I get a thousand messages.
They're out.
Pay them out of order.
I'm sloth.
I'm white.
I'm sloth.
I've been on.
An hour and 49 minutes.
Not bad.
Not bad.
Thank you for calling MC Sweets.
Time for Stapleton.
This is John May.
How many toilets in the room?
Yeah.
Yeah. Just one. Just one per room? Correct. It's nice toilet? Relative. Okay. Like a white kind
of toilet or is it colored granite? Yes. Okay. And you can sit down on it. I can either leave
the door open or closed, right? It'll still work. Okay. So say I walk in, I unbutton my pants,
I pull down my pants and my underwear, and then I actually sit on the toilet with the lid up,
but the seat down and so i'll sit on the toilet seat itself right i thought the back of my thighs
and my buttocks will be on it on the actual seat itself right hello yeah i'm from asia we don't
have these kinds of europeans i said actually sit on the seat right what's that i actually sit on
the toilet seat on the bowl itself i sit on i don't squat over it i don't like stand both feet
on it and squat actually sit down on it what are you talking about sir you're the toilet in the
room yeah yeah actual toilet yeah yeah it's like a european style toilet right no it's not a
european style toilet no sir well american style let's say yeah that's correct because where i'm
from in asia east asia then you actually you actually squat on it you know you actually sit
no no yeah this is an east asia sir it's an actual toilet seat yes sir sit on it and then what you
you do is let's say you you release your bowels you push out the feces from the from your colon
and it comes that's correct into the water yeah that's correct okay and then you use bunches of
the toilet paper you you can use bunches or you cut into squares it doesn't matter i'm gonna put
you on hold okay for how long just for one minute i don't know what you're asking here yeah we have
regular toilets here yeah but can i just finish this so that i can get off the line and oh sure
get to my business yeah we have we have regular toilet paper too but yeah but i can i can use
bunches or rip it in pieces or fold it however i like right you can make origami out of it too
if you'd like yes sir is that because i'm east asian you're gonna say that no no no i'm just
don't be rude don't be nasty all right and then you it's basically a wiping from front to back
right so you don't get the feces the remnants like on your testicles or your perineum yes sir
Okay, and then you just keep doing that with fresh paper until you notice there's no more remnants on the paper itself.
And that goes with the feces in the water inside the toilet receptacle in the bowl itself, right?
Hold one moment, please.
Okay.
At the Embassy Suites Denver Stapleton, our amenities extend beyond just your in-suite comforts.
Getting the ideal location for that important business meeting or social function is crucial to a successful event.
that which is why the embassy suites denver stapleton hotel has a wealth of different rooms
in various shapes and sizes with over 8 500 square feet of flexible meeting space we're
confident our denver hotel is perfect for your luncheon reunion graduation party and wedding
nestled in the business district the embassy suites denver stapleton is the ideal location
to hold your corporate meetings with anywhere from three people to upwards of 200 people in
the classroom setting we know that every meeting is different so we make sure we can adapt to suit
your individual needs whether you're looking to make the booking for a corporate event or
something truly special your wedding reception like your wedding reception our denver stapleton
hotel can arrange it lunch and dinner in a relaxed atrium setting our menu includes fire grilled
steaks and chicken fresh salad and lots of sandwiches and our famous pizza come in and
This is too much holding, motherfucker.
Call back, motherfucker.
Fuck your holding.
Well, I guess we're not going to get to finish our feces explanation.
It was getting close.
Well, picked up.
He heard me, bitch.
Yeah, I was getting to the point where I was going to flush.
That's when you finish that game.
The game is to get all the way until you get to the part where you flush,
and then you win, and you can go for extra points
if you start describing how the feces is going to go through the sewer system
and everything.
It's called the feces game.
You can do that anywhere.
Usually restaurants and hotels are the easiest to get away with it.
That's a new game I came up with.
We also have the lowest lottery game,
which everyone gets to join in on when we play.
That's always fun.
Yeah.
Yeah, somehow, like, my underwear, my boxers, they got, like, a rip in the front, in the crotch.
And, like, when I sit down now, my testicles and my penis come out.
Being in cultural experiences, the Intercontinental San Francisco's cool blue exterior offers you as many reasons to stay inside as...
I'll call back. I don't know why he went into the explanation.
But true story, yeah, my dick and balls are hanging out right now.
I need to speak to a guest, Mr. Victor Ciccone.
Uh-huh. C-I-C-C-O-N-E. Like kick cone, Victor.
One moment.
Culo. Culo. Culo.
And sir, what's the last name, sir?
C-I-C-C-O-N-E.
Oh, how'd that get there?
Uh, maybe he's under his friend's name, Labia. L-A-B-I-A.
L-A-B-I-A?
No. L-A-B-I-A.
Last name?
Vulva. V-U-L-V-A.
No, I don't have anybody with that name.
All right. What about clitoris? Do you have that name?
How?
C-L-I-T-O-R-U-S.
Nothing.
Okay. Do you have pubic? P-U-B-I-C?
At our spa at Intercontinental.
Where does he look, though? Volva.
Hello?
Hello. Is that Mr. Pubic?
Pubic? Yeah, this is Mr. Pubic.
Okay. What are you doing?
Fucking your mom.
You motherfucker, you. You fucking little motherfucker.
Hey, what's this?
It's Victor.
What's up, Victor?
Victor Ciccone, I'm a guest here.
Victor Ciccone?
Uh-huh, I'm a guest.
I'm on the fourth floor.
I'm on the fourth floor.
Okay, I'm here, though.
You want to come masturbate with me?
I am.
I am.
I am.
Look, I'm wearing a dress.
I'm wearing a dress.
Fourth floor.
What's your name, Caesar?
What's your name, Caesar?
Lewis?
Lewis?
What's your last name?
Gonzales?
Lopez?
What is it?
Rodriguez?
Yeah.
Yeah, something like that.
All right, yeah.
Okay.
All right, honey baby. No, it's not it's boring. I'm bored with it now
Yeah, I only like it like when the people get angry, you know
Yeah, it's cool. Yeah, you got a work late tonight
Did you're San Francisco you say gay in fact like that you gotta be careful man
I know yeah, fuck them, but you gotta watch your back man. You don't want to say something you get in trouble, you know
Ridiculous, man.
I got to go.
All right, buddy.
I thought he was bored.
I wasn't going to talk with him for a while.
Whatever.
Thanks.
Calling the Disneyland Hotel.
For room reservation,
please press 1.
For information about Disneyland Park
or Disney California Adventure Park,
press 2.
To be connected to a hotel operator,
press 3.
Or remain on the line.
Our hotel operators are currently assisting other guests.
those are some of the terrifying sounds that fall from the twilight zone tower of terror
you can hear it on the official walt disney world and disneyland albums along with another
disney attraction that you'll be falling for splash mountain at disneyland park and magic
kingdom park at walt disney world resort here are brer rabbit and his pals direct from their
Laugh-In-Place.
Everybody do the
wonderful
dance. Wonderful
dance. That was a musical medley
from Splash Mountain, the wild
and whimsical attraction at both Disneyland
Park in California and
Kingdom Park in Florida. Thanks for
holding with us here at Disney Parks
while a cast member gets on the line
with you in a moment. I know it can be
tough to be on hold, but you know what?
It's tough to be a bug, too.
That's what Flick and his friends prove
every day in the Laffield 3D
attraction, inspired by Disney
Pixar's A Bug's Life, at Disney's
Animal Kingdom theme park, and at
Disney California Adventure Park.
We're Paula Gamer.
Thank you for calling the Disney Not Hotel. My name
is Annette. May I have your last name, please?
Hi, beautiful. How are you? I'm good. How are you?
I'm good. I need to be transferred to a guest room.
What is the room number?
I'm not sure I have the name.
Hey, what's the last name? Bohensky.
Can you spell that for me? B-O-H
E-N-S-K-Y.
Uh, hopefully it's under Colleen.
Give me one moment.
Okay.
Yes, hello.
This is Mark Shepard with the front desk.
Is that Mr. Walensky?
This is Mr. Walensky, yes.
Okay.
Is Colleen there?
We have a complaint about her.
Okay.
Hold on.
Yes, hello.
Is that Colleen?
This is Mr. Mark Shepard.
I'm calling from the front desk.
Hope you're having a magical day so far.
Mm-hmm.
I'm with the black team.
We handle situations where our guests are being rowdy or unruly or not being respectful.
Okay.
Okay. Apparently your child, or I think you have some children there that were being really loud
and yelling. They said curse words to an older lady in the hallway. That would not be my children.
And then apparently you exposed your sexual organs inside the bathroom.
No. We can see you and your children making a lot of noise on the camera inside your room.
We're watching you right now. And there's been like a lot of yelling and carrying on there.
We just want to make sure we don't have any trouble with you people.
We want to make sure that we don't have any trouble with you people.
I'll come down to the front desk right now and speak to you.
Right away.
Uh-oh.
Disney's going to be mad at me.
Kids
are too loud at disney poor kids probably all excited they just checked in
ruined their vacation come on back on jazz machine
awful tornado hotel perfect for small children 11 and thank you for calling
your call may be recorded for training and quality assurance
Next one.
Thank you for calling the Windsor Arms Hotel.
This is Kevin.
How may I assist you?
Meep, meep.
Hello?
Yes, this is the Windsor Arms Hotel.
How may I assist you?
Oh, great.
Yes, hi.
I needed to be transferred to Chrissy Newton.
She should be a guest there.
And how do you spell the last name, sir?
N-E-W-T-O-N.
Okay, perfect.
Just give me a second here and I'll check.
Okay.
She's a big girl.
That's why they call her that.
Sir, I don't have any reservation nor a guest under that name here at the hotel.
What a fucking cunt, you know?
I'm sorry?
She's a fucking bitch.
Okay, thank you for calling, sir.
Motherfucker.
Oh, sorry.
Stutter.
Oh, qua tons in one.
Brittany.
I need to talk to a room, a guest in a room.
Reagan, like the president.
First name Joel.
No change for your party.
All right, sweetie.
Voicemail.
Please begin talking.
You've reached voicemail.
Leave message.
Thank you.
You're speaking in Native American.
I'm done with hotel guests for now.
Yeah.
Good song, man.
i don't know if this is normal in other parts of the country but planetarium in orlando the
science center every year they have a laser light show um that's choreographed with tink floyd off
the wall oh it's so fucking cool man i did it a few times every summer no bullshit every like
every fall around thanksgiving they do it for a few weeks this song is really cool that was just
a local thing or not let me look that up what the hell why not guys huh pink floyd orlando laser
laser laser shows everything yeah the pink floyd experience dark side of the moon it was always
really cool though people will go high and shit all the time i know people that went high like
to disney and stuff apparently it's crazy and it being that i was just calling disney earlier
i i never did it but um i think andy friend my friend used to do the show with me he said he
went like he tripped at epcot center a few times but if that's a common thing in orlando the
locals will do you go um do acid and go to disney or um epcot apparently disney's really cool if
you're tripping i can imagine some of that shit like like some of the rides if you were tripping
like fucking peter pan fucking ride would be fucking nuts the tea cups would be fucking nuts
man i did acid once in my life it was pretty fun i did it at a football game that i was playing in
in high school yeah that wasn't a good idea it was fun but it was a really bad idea never again
that's it that's all that and other and smoked a lot of weed in my life that's it i've never
done coke i've never no no that's it i don't think i haven't done shrooms nothing like that
no other psychedelics other than like i've been on morphine for surgeries that i've had in the last
two years and pain meds you know like right now for my ankle injury i did i was on pain meds not
anymore but i was for a while shrooms might be fun i would i would like to try i almost said i
would love to try it now but i would maybe if i knew what i was getting myself into i might i
think for that kind of stuff you have to have a buddy right isn't that oh yeah i smoked that k2
shit a few times um when it first came out when it was legal when you used to be able to buy it
like at a gas station no problems asked at least in florida it was like that and smoked it a few
times yeah i think like about two containers of it yeah i smoked it with arty evil arty the guy
that hangs out on the show sometimes but he went nuts with it he got like he was like super into
it for a while well you guys he was doing remember we were doing a show once and he called from that
walmart parking lot he was smoking it with some girl and she freaked out and had to call an
the ambulance to the walmart parking lot where they were smoking fake freight fake weed yeah
he had to throw yeah that's right anchors he threw his shit over the fence and then he went back for
it because you remember i would think if i remember correctly he was calling he didn't know if he
should go to the hospital whether he's like he didn't he like ditched her and then he's like oh
shit her friends texted me right now asking who the fuck am i oh man that was fun fucking arty
man easy jackson see no that was actually weed he actually he he drove out from volusia county
the ucf to pick up a girl on a date to go to the sushi place in longwood so he drove about 30
minutes into orlando to go pick her up to drive you know like 15 minutes to go to the sushi place
and the entire ride to the sushi place he smoked weed in front of her as he was driving with a girl
he had never met before who didn't smoke pot wasn't okay with it and was their first like their
first date and then he wondered why she didn't call him after that like dude that guy man something
else it's just like if that doesn't scream i don't have any self-control or maturity great first
impression on a woman i'm gonna smoke these drugs right in front of you while i drive
and you're totally not drug-friendly.
I don't know why she didn't call back.
I don't know why she doesn't want to hang out.
Call Facebookers either.
I've been kind of thin on the pranks here the last few minutes.
What's going on? I'm not paying attention.
Dude, it's almost 9 o'clock, sir.
All right, one more call and I'm out of here.
Just because I made you guys wait a long time here between calls.
Play some Nintendo.
Oh, yeah.
May be recorded or monitored for quality purposes.
Super 8 Reservations, this is Jessica.
Scott, how may I help you?
Yeah, how many toilets is in the room?
One.
Just one?
All right.
Does it have a door for the toilets?
It's in, like, the bathroom.
Okay, but I can leave the door open.
It'll still work, right?
Yeah.
The light still goes on with the door open?
Yep.
All right, so let's say I can just go in and I unbutton my pants
and pull down my pants on my underwear.
I didn't get far at all with that one.
Damn it.
I love that game, but it's hard to play.
I guess women.
They're like, ew, ew, ew, ew.
Anyway, I'm going to get out of here.
I don't think anyone else is on tonight.
Tomorrow, I guess we should all expect Mr. Sloth with science.
And I understand Ken will be filling for the vacationing Jaiad on Friday
with his pilot episode, premiere episode of his show.
I believe it's called Swinging Mops with Dwight.
I think that's the name he came up with.
But that'll be on Friday.
And I'm sure there'll be some weekend happenings here
on this stupid network that's ruining my life.
Thank you.

Comments 0

Loading comments…