As Many Samples As You Want, Sir

you little monkey you're listening to the madhouse radio prank cast pregnant for the third time

because he's a hoe for y'all good afternoon thanks for calling whole foods market

how can i help you yeah hi is loss prevention there can i talk to them i don't think they're

written yet would you like to talk to the store manager uh well preferably loss prevention or

Or who would be watching stuff like that?

I want to discuss a bribe.

A bribe?

Mm-hmm.

You're probably talking to the store manager because they're not...

The loss prevention's not here until this afternoon.

So I got to pay off the store manager instead?

I'm not sure what you're...

Will he take cash or no?

I don't know.

Is he there now, motherfucker?

Yeah, hold on just a moment.

All right.

How rude.

I tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe.

I was not authentic.

For I knew I was above it all

Or drowned in my

Shit

New Deck Point Whole Foods Market, Indian School Plaza

This is Garrett

Wow, really? You hung up on me like that?

I didn't hang up on you

I was on hold, you were getting a store manager

And I held for a long time

And then click

Try what again?

If you could hold on, let me get you the store manager

Try what again?

Let me get you the store manager

What did you say, try that again?

end what do you mean i'm helping customers i'm a cashier up here at the store so talking to

customers and people on the phone is she trying to pay at the at the pos hold on just so i got

the store manager for you okay is that zyklon it sounds like zyklon it sounds like zyklon's

balls drop mike speaking how may i help you is it well who was i just talking to was that zyklon

uh no that was just one of our one of our team members but i'm the uh i'm the assistant store

manager what can i do for you assistant store manager yes yes all right are you the head are

Are you this most senior officer right now on deck?

Yes.

Okay, good.

Hey, buddy, how are you?

Anyway, my name is Tony.

So I'm looking, who would I pass on a bribe to

to get the camera feed replaced with, like, still frames, still images,

or, like, a still loop for about maybe 30 minutes worth of footage?

Oh, you know, I mean, really nobody is able to be bribed.

But how much would you?

i mean i'm sure you got some bills you got some resolving debt maybe we could pay it off for you

do a balance transfer here and there for you you know no man i'm doing pretty good but you know

what you have a you have a great day we have bitcoin we have bitcoin you like that bitcoin

i'll get you know like corn's good i guess but i'm pretty good man like you have a great one

okay uh sexual favors i even whored myself out

to speak to the head greek in charge please you got it okay how long i have to wait hello

yes this is the head greek in charge who's this oh my name is tony i'm a friend of gus

gus who gus told me to call gus from the gusta has a diner you know you're greek right you're

greek yes good good god bless you listen um i'm trying to open up the tomb of athena with the

i have the arrow of apollo and i'm supposed to be able to find the tomb of athena it's in between

the gate of the gods where athena um threw herself down onto the rocks and through there i should be

able to open up her tomb and it'll lead me um out of kobol uh to earth to the real earth um so can

you help out and tell me exactly where that would be the tomb of athena i'm sorry please can you i

mean they're important for the fleet can you speak to the head greek in charge please he's not in

right now can i take a message uh well who else is greek there right now motherfucker this is no

more greeks there figure i just be nasty i'll call back motherfucker it seems like all i ever

want to do anymore you just say motherfucker now when i have oh the old fax tone motherfucker

fine how far out man hello yes can i help yeah i need to speak to the head greek in charge

Oh, well, the manager's not here until tomorrow, 1130.

Are you a Greek?

No, I'm not.

Oh, what are you?

What race are you?

What am I?

I'm a Heinz 57.

That's it?

That's it.

You're made out of the sauce?

Yeah, I'm made out of all kinds of stuff.

You stupid motherfucker.

This isn't a fucking joke, asshole.

Yeah, I don't need a joke answer, motherfucker.

Well, just come on down here and talk to me then.

Son of a bitch.

See you later.

Yeah, is there a bar there?

Motherfucker.

I hate it when they do the...

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

I'm Milkman.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

The Greek holiday?

It's the Greek Sabbath?

What is this?

Fucking asshole.

Out of business.

Obama.

Now that we know that it's true, in the 90s, everyone suspected that there was computer machines out there

that listened to every conversation and would find, like, if you mix the president's name or White House with bomb or explosive,

or something like that and would flag you now that we know that that actually existed it must

be a pain in the ass since obama's president so now you got people saying obama president and

white house in the same uh in the same sentence and bomb is in it it's part of obama so it probably

just they probably had to release a patch right guys just so it wouldn't flag those like the patch

patch was like it was like if common equals o star uh ma then you know null route yeah something

like that that's how i would code it would that be i think that was a good yeah i think that's a

good patch fix right there quite proud of myself for coming up with that if the government still

didn't have that they can thank me for that one when the main computer government computer machine

also known as uncle sam processes this in its cpu which is the size of a small

arena somewhere in the frozen arctic under the ice global warming is so important

this answer is this is a mobile home for sale i want to say i want a test drive

it's a mobile hook it up to the flatbed chat room find me mobile homes for sale

you're sending in a number for a halal subway sandwiches in the uk the united kingdom of

kentucky let's call them what you say this is bp i know i know no it's subway sorry oh do you also

work at pp no no i don't work at bp but i'm working in bp you're working in bp yeah yeah

what do you mean you're inside the bp yeah oh i get it okay all right so i want one bacon

to come after if you want something to order you're like because at the moment we closed

oh yeah i like to have one ham bacon oil we don't do bacon oil ham bacon ham oil mayonnaise

blood yeah i want to also see the face of the whole face of the woman yeah i want to see the

woman that's what they like those people all right really get some horny like oh yeah i can

see your face yeah i can see your face yeah come front of me he's like okay okay i defend the women

i am the man and then i fuck a donkey those people are very very very repressed not as bad as the

japanese reporting a lot of pakistanis fuck their own cousins in the town of bradford in the united

which is under an invasion by the moors currently muslim-speaking people from the east

who have been invading the united kingdom in places such as bradford and demonstrating

yes hello i understand they're alive hello hello yes hello hello are you fucking are you stupid

stupid he probably had the phone upside down didn't even realize it because he's a moor

to an automatic damn it motherfucker personal email business on my android phone on my galaxy

phone i'll do more prank calls thank you for a coon dog i got a puppy coon dog his name's

motherfucker he just where you live i live on horse machine ranch off of horse machine

horse machine ranch subdivision the new one we got big big ranches with the horses and you can

ride your machines everywhere you can ride the sibian you can ride the motorcycle a harley i

got a big harley and i got a sibian sexual machine that my wife can ride also and we have

dog machines also the machines for the dogs yeah so um do you want to come see the dog and you can

you know do do you want measurements of his parts well i live in so i probably can become an fr for

adults well yeah yeah you're like 10 minutes away we're in that area now it's called horse

machine ranch road i ain't never heard of that road you gotta look on the computer or a new

phone book get a new phone book you know a police cop police machine can tell you also they'll tell

you you know you never i never heard that motherfucker i don't know a horse machine

motherfucker this is what i tell the people in this town all the time i have a horse machine

ranch cool raise horses on your property and ride machines big sexual machines for your wife

got a 95 honda civic car machine yeah yeah that's nice how's the back seat doing on that

what he's like oh fuck you fuck you city slicker you just moved here this is like right by where

where tuck lives why why would i care to tell you i'm all right i guess yeah you got a 2003

honda accord machine do i have a honda accord you have a honda accord machine for sale yes

yeah uh it's a v6 in it yes how's the back seat in that um it's leather yeah it's leather um

leather seats okay was there a lot of fornication in the back seat or a lot of women sat back there

no no not hardly no did a teenager own it ever where they might have been doing a lot of fucking

in it no no and you never did you ever have sex with your husband in it no and i would appreciate

it if you didn't call me back oh mike told me to call mike told me to call you oh who's mike

your husband i have a husband named mike well who is he your brother then no what do you mean no

No. Who is he? He's the guy you just fuck in the car and then sell the car?

No.

Yeah, right. You're disgusting.

If you want to contact me that way, then you can deal with somebody else.

No, no, come on. All right, I'm sorry. I'll be nice, okay? I'm sorry.

Okay, where can we meet?

but moving on where can we meet

i want to make an order one ice cream cake or no no and ice creams would you like uh one ice

cream in a cup with a spoon cold covered smothered okay one do you have cookies and cream yeah all

All right, I need 20 individual samples of cookies and cream in one container.

Give me one second.

Okay, I need to make an order.

20 individual samples of cookies and cream in one container, please.

Okay, you're just wanting samples?

Yeah, 20 samples, but in one container.

So you just want the little taster spoons with a tiny bite of ice cream on them?

Yeah, but 20 of them.

Okay, I'm going to charge you.

No, it's free sample.

ball well if you're going to come in and get samples in bulk i can't do it like that oh come

on it's free it's this doesn't stay out there yes as long as you're buying something you get

free samples but you can't just come in and ask for 20 samples and expect them to be free and

it says free sample it says free sample that's the guy in the guidebook i'm looking at it now

the pdf yes sir you do get free samples if you come in and purchase something but you cannot

not come in no it's 20 samples without purchasing anything i can go and sample one of each and be

like these are all disgusting and i don't want them and walk away and you can't do anything

yeah that's different for you to place an order for 20 samples i'm gonna have to all right i just

want one i just want one sample but of each one and put those into one container okay i'm gonna

have to charge you for that sir no it's one sample you're asking for more than one sample though

and you're asking for it to go.

I'm asking you for one sample.

It's not my fault you have all these different kinds.

Who knows which one?

If you come in and you want to purchase something,

we'll be glad to give you samples,

but you can't place an order for 20 samples

and expect them to be free.

You've got to work this out.

We've got to work this out.

Either I get a sample, one of each one,

or I get 20 of just cookies and cream in a regular cup.

I cannot do that.

I cannot give you 20 samples for free

and you're not going to buy anything.

that's just our policy that's not fair it's it's not your policy not to do this

it you can't tell me where it says it you can't tell me where it says i'm explaining to you

samples are free if you come in and purchase something you can sample as much as you want

as long as you buy something but for you to place 20 samples i'm gonna have to charge you for that

because it's gonna like a full scoop ice cream that way all right i'll i will buy something i

I will buy something.

Okay, if you come in, then I can give you all the samples you'd like

as long as you buy something.

I'm going to want 225 samples of cookie dough in one container.

I'm sorry, sir.

Yes, you said as many as I want.

Yes, but now you're taking advantage,

and I feel like you're just trying to get free ice cream out of me,

and I don't appreciate that.

It says free samples with purchase.

You just confirmed that.

You said as many as I want, you said.

As many as you want, sir.

That's how you said it even.

You can have as many as you want, sir.

Let me take your name and your phone number down, and I can contact my owner,

and he can explain it to you a little bit better.

I am the manager here.

I know what you said, and you're going to have to lie.

You're going to have to lie.

I'm telling you our policy, and I can take your name and phone number down

if you have a problem with it, and I will have my owner contact you.

I'll call, when's the owner there again, honey?

He doesn't come in until the weekend.

Well, I will call on the weekend when you're not there, hopefully, either, to put lies in his ear, whisper lies and untruths into his ear.

Because I know exactly what you said.

You said I could have as many samples as I want as long as I bought something.

Yes, sir, but I did not think you were going to take advantage and say you want 250 samples.

Why would I not try to take advantage?

It's the law of economics.

You want 250 samples of the same flavor.

That's going to come out to so much ice cream that I'm going to give you for free,

and I'm just not able to do that.

But it's a small little spoon.

Let me get your name down, please.

It's a small.

You can use the same spoon even if you want.

I cannot use the same spoon and keep re-dipping it into the ice cream.

It's just 250 times.

How are you going to do it?

How are you going to figure it out?

Let me take your name down, sir.

Cross.

Is your name?

Cross.

Ross?

Cross.

Cross?

Yeah.

Cross.

And your phone number, please?

457-2014

Okay sir we will get back to you

If you want to call back on the weekend

He will be here

His name is Chris

I will let him know the situation

And if you'd like him to contact you

We can do that

You have him call me

Because this is serious

Because you're

Okay

And you know

I'm not going to appreciate

When you're going to tell him

All these lies

About what you didn't say

I will tell him exactly what I said sir

Okay and I will too

I'm going to tell him too

Okay

And he'll believe me

He'll believe me

He'll believe me because of Bros Before Homes.

Hey, my name is Ashley, sir.

Go ahead.

I'll have him call you, okay?

Hi, sexy, sexy girl.

I'm going to kiss you.

I'm going to kiss your labia.

All right, let's go light it quickly.

Morrison's Croydon.

To hear our store opening hours, please press 1.

Or to speak to a member of the store team, please press 2.

You are now being connected to a member of the store team.

Please hold whilst we connect you.

You may hear a period of silence.

Please hold until you are answered.

You are being connected.

If you find the line is engaged, please try calling again.

Engaged.

It was engaged.

What are you doing, sexy?

I want to make an order.

Yeah, one sandwich.

Which one?

Bacon, ham.

You want bacon?

I command you.

Huh?

I command you to make a bacon.

I can't do bacon?

I'm looking on the website.

It says how to order and it says choose bacon.

We do turkey rushes here, not bacon.

No, bacon.

It says bacon right here on the website, motherfucker.

Yeah, it's a halal subway, you know.

We do turkey rushes, not bacon.

bullshit it's bullshit disgusting people what do you mean by disgusting man it's

what it's disgusting people food is that what you're saying dirty packies

that's not the joker when i say that when i do that

i'm gonna start doing that i'm gonna learn how to laugh like the joker like keith ledger i'm the

The Joker.

And I hate Muslim and Islam.

Fucker.

Bring your...

Come in front of me.

Bring your sister.

Huh?

Bring your sister to me.

You come in front and I'll show you how to kiss.

Police coming to your door.

No worry.

Oh, good.

I just got your number.

I'm going to send the police to you, okay?

And they're coming to pick me up so we can kick your ass.

I recorded your phone.

Don't worry.

Bring your sister.

When they come, bring your sister for them to fuck.

a halal subway in london thank you thank you you are now being connected to a member of the store

team please hold whilst we connect you you may hear a period of silence please hold until you

are answered you are being connected you find the line is engaged please try calling again

Blah, blah, blah.

Coño, move it.

Shit.

The line was engaged three times when I called.

Hello?

He's like, eh, now it's four times.

It was.

It was engaged.

Just once, though.

I was embellishing a little bit.

I only tried to call them once.

Ellen!

Morris Poison.

To hear, you are now being connected to a member of the store team.

You can hear the halitosis.

Please hold whilst we connect you.

You can hear that.

Shut up!

Please hold until you are answered.

God, you can hear the halitosis in that.

Hello.

Please try calling again.

God, it talks so loud.

Thank God with this new app I use, I can turn the volume down individually on calls.

I can only do one at a time, though.

I can conference him, but it's like I've got to hit star 2 and then dial.

Hey, buddy, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to be like that.

I'm sorry.

Hello?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to be like that.

I was just a little upset.

How are the accommodations down there tonight?

I'm coming in my caravan.

I'm from the United States.

I'm on holiday.

Okay.

We're closed now, I'm afraid.

Yeah, but you got the parking lot there, right?

The car park, like you call it?

We have a car park, yes.

Yeah.

Do you got the hookups for the toilet and the water and everything so I can take a shower?

No, and if you do bring a caravan here, we will give you the same as the last lot of people,

which would be notice of eviction, and the police will come next day to evict you.

Yeah, but it's just for one night.

Wait, is this for one night while I'm traveling through town?

Okay.

We don't allow people to stay in our car park,

and anyone who does stay in our car park will get a notice of eviction from the bailiff the next day.

Can I just bring my caravan and fuck my wife in it, and then we drive off?

I'd rather you didn't.

But I'll buy something. I'll buy something.

We're closed, I'm afraid. It's not about buy something.

We don't allow people to stay overnight.

But it's on the website, the traveler website.

It says, come here, here's a good place, good parking lot,

that they tapped into the electrical under the road there

so they could get power and everything?

There's no electric one on the road, I'm afraid so.

Yeah, there is.

Where the lights are, they said they tapped into it

and you can plug right into it.

Really?

Yeah, you can run your whole RV or your caravan right on it, yeah,

and there's even water hookups and everything.

I wouldn't know anything about them, I'm afraid.

Well, it's a website that's only for travelers, I guess,

for people that do holidays like me.

Well, I'm afraid I don't have to finish the conversation, I'm afraid,

but you're not welcome to park here.

Well, thank you.

You've been so much fun, honey.

Honey, if I was there, I would stroke your hair and kiss you, you know.

Thanks.

Bye-bye.

Okay, bye.

Very helpful.

One and two bedroom apartment.

Girl.

Student's first 7-Eleven district office.

Our regular business hours are...

That's actually the corporate office.

It's actually 7-Eleven corporate.

I don't know so much for that idea.

Let's try it at the Valero across the street.

Corner of the street.

This is Jennifer.

Hey, I'm calling from the corporate office.

We need to get the keys and go to the back where the breakers are and unlock them and

turn them all off and then back on okay all of them yeah i gotta stay on the line and make sure

that the generator takes over okay hold on just a minute okay okay that's where the cooler fans

and everything are at right yep okay turn them all off all the switches yep every single one

okay and then turn them all back on leave them off for 10 minutes the power is going to take

back over the big generator outside we'll turn on and let it stay on power on power off for 10

minutes and then turn them back on and that's it all right let me do that right now i'm gonna

switch everything off all right just let me know when they're all off okay there you go finally hit

the voip took a while at least we get to hear them all be switched off that was quick you see how i

went right in through that really fast very fast forceful mr brad carter taught me that he's like

a brother to me that man love him that was really easy chat room i straight up just straight to the

we're gonna get the keys we're gonna go back we're gonna turn them all off okay

two minutes later done that's how it's i think that is the world record thank you thank you

everybody we're gonna have to break down the time of that and make it a challenge to get to get it

to time it from when you tell them to do that to where the voice connection cuts off when the power

you know hits the the voip equipment i would say it's safe to say i would be probably the fastest

so far i will break it down i'll get the time of that the timing of that i'll post it somewhere

and we'll all strive on the different shows to beat that and whoever beats it just you know you're

you're the breaker king pcm of the pcn clan or the pcn people new news is from when they pick

up the phone deal perfect the amount of time it takes from when they pick up the phone to

you hear the click breaker king well the device some kind of a trophy or something right along

i still want to do what i think tabachi either tried or was successful doing was getting that

done at a gym there were where he was i think it was presumed that there were people on the

treadmills out of uh wanting to see if we could i don't know if anyone fell off because some people

start jam whaling on that treadmill man probably go right through the wall right through the mirror

and everything shit i'm afraid to do that one because i'm afraid someone's gonna break some

teeth or some some fucking retarded shit will happen and it'll all fall on me so if you're a

friend of cracker you should influence her to do that i'm kidding no don't do that because she's

crazy she'll do it and this will have to be taken out of the audio i'm gonna look for more

businesses and heating let's see probably clothes well i mean plumbers are really lazy they're all

on in the union and fat and lazy fuck that i gotta clean up shit and deal working shit

arching down in the shit and piss all the time fixing bullshit that no one else wants to deal

with i'll make my own motherfucker you have reached safety with dj's it pisses me off people

like that like plumbers and shit you look them up when i was back then in the 90s i'd say in my

with my family we'd look them up motherfuckers up in the phone book and their ad in their phone

book was all 24 7 emergency service call 24 7 on call emergency blah blah blah and i remember once

For example, one time we tried to call maybe around 6 o'clock

because we had this massive flooding in our house.

There was a pipe burst, and we were trying to call plumbers

and disaster repair people.

I forget what it's called.

People that come in when you have a flood in a house.

I think it's called restoration or something.

And all of those guys were like,

Well, it's Friday, and it's 5.

We ain't doing nothing until Monday.

day and it's like you motherfucker it says 24 hours seven days a week service but when it comes

down to it every time like my dad would try to call someone like that it's like i always thought

it was because of the hispanic name you know they would hear the hispanic name but like oh fuck that

fuck those people that's what i that's the feeling i always got where i where i grew up and when shit

like this went down deep down a lot of those motherfuckers back then even now still to a

different degrees but even back then if it was some old white lady they were like oh sure honey

baby no problem honey baby we'll be there saturday morning because i'm a southern gentleman

motherfucker redneck southern gentleman motherfucker i'll take care of you granny

hispanic or a black lady like no you're gonna have to deal with me on monday i'll come charge

you double shit you don't know about so i'm gonna change my name to really i'm gonna change it like

jim smith see if that helps me out get pulled over by the cops to see jim smith and they take

take one look at me like oh it's one of us no problem actually i get pulled over my last name

is actually very italian as a matter of fact and um i get pulled over and there was once when i was

like 20 years old 19 20 years old this cop and the town that i lived at in the time when i had

an apartment with my two friends andy and mike my two friends from high school out by ucf where

we were students at anyway i got pulled over by an italian cop and like forget what it was but

But he really should have given me a ticket.

I mean, I was speeding.

I had a headlight that was out.

And I blew through a soft red.

The light was just turning red and I turned left on it.

Because I was like, fuck, I wanted to go home.

And it was like work.

I was leaving work from the grocery store.

I worked that at the time.

And I mean, it was a drive.

As long as it didn't hit that light.

It was 90 seconds of drive from when I started my car in the parking lot until I got out,

you know, went across the street, went through the apartment complex or whatever.

Anyway, I pulled over and the cop saw my name and looked at me and he was like, oh, yeah,

don't worry about it, Paisano.

Don't worry about it.

You can go ahead and go.

And he called me Goomba.

He was like, all right, Goomba, no problem.

Just get that light fixed and be careful with them lights.

You could get hurt.

Hey, Paisano, all right, see you later.

And he just drove off just

because he thought

i was italian because my license had an italian last name and he took a look at me he's like oh

this guy's what it was it helped me out in that case yeah carlos

All right, Walmart Neighborhood Market, which is just the supermarket end of a Walmart.

They had these in Orlando.

They had one right by my house, my condo that I lived in in Orlando before I left there for Pennsylvania.

And it's basically just if you take a super Walmart and split it in half, the one side of it that's the grocery store, that's what this is only.

just that and you know they got a red box you know the two or three red boxes in that

god people just love going to walmart going to red box thank you for calling walmart

they replaced blockbuster with a box thank you for calling walmart this is pan i have to help

you yeah i need to talk to electronics um ma'am i mean sir hey why are you saying to me ma'am

motherfucking shit okay so this is a neighborhood market i don't carry electronics in this i command

man you to transfer me now or put me through to a man sir i don't have electronics in this store

oh you have pharmacy don't you yes but you ask for electronics you have grocery you have dairy

yes sir but this is a neighborhood market this is the walmart this is not a super center

hello so what would you like what would you like me to do i need to talk to someone in layaway then

we don't have layaway neither sir shit what about shoes so this is a neighborhood market all i sell

is groceries or can you transfer the maternity all i sell is groceries yeah but you have maternity

items at the grocery store no i do not i sell groceries no i do not have formula you have baby

food you have milk you have baby that's not sir that's not maternity that's actually that's for

the woman who has a baby the maternity the mother from the pussy the baby comes out of the pussy

the labia opens and the baby comes out the cervix becomes large and you hear him laughing at the

back like what the fuck with the pussy emphasis on that p guys i was really trying to deliver that

did you notice yeah that's that's what nine years of prank calls on the air does you're a professional

like me a professional i can't believe she let me stay on when i was going into the pussy you know

the labia opens the baby comes out they actually stayed for a few more seconds

the cervix the cervix opens cigarettes man i gotta stop smoking these old dirty cigarettes

we could find you hidden treasures this is vanessa how may i help you hey sexy how you doing

yeah how you doing sexy it's vanessa yes oh hey how you doing honey you looking good today

like she doesn't like it like she doesn't like the thought that maybe i'm like vin diesel or

something hey i should tell you i look like vin diesel dude have any of you guys seen dave

he's fucking diesel man dave chapelle's neck is fucking freaking following ross i could find

hidden treasures every day this is daniel how can i help you hey honey how are you danny i'm good

thank you can i talk to the fitting room area please yes it's one second hello yeah hello

hello hello yes fitting room yeah hi this is vanessa yes oh hey honey how are you we were

talking before but someone showed up and you had to hang out one second okay where are you going

yeah i was talking to vanessa yeah what was going on what happened what did she

did she brief you on the situation on the sit she did she did not she just called me because i

wasn't back there all right well i need a stat status report please ensign i need the sit rep

the full SITREP, please, on the status of the fleet?

Are there any DRADIS contacts?

I need to go ask her what it is then, though.

Okay, ask her what the status of the fleet is, please.

Okay.

Thank you.

Hey, do your phones have YouTube computers?

Do our phones have what?

Do you have YouTube computers?

Do we have YouTube computers?

Does it have YouTube computers in the phone?

We have the new computers in our phone.

No, but the phone itself needs to have the YouTube computers

and the Netflix computers.

It has YouTube on it.

Okay, but the YouTube machine?

I don't know what a YouTube machine is.

Can you find out?

Can you ask a man over there?

Maybe he might know.

Ask a man over there that might know?

Mm-hmm.

Hey, watch.

Let me hand you off real quick.

Give me one minute.

Please, ma'am.

Thank you.

Thank you, honey.

Thank you for holding.

This is Courtney.

How can I help you?

Oh, I need to talk to a man.

To a man?

Uh-huh.

Was there anything that I could try to help you out with?

Well, probably not.

You're a female.

Probably not.

You wouldn't understand.

It's like a technical thing.

Oh.

Okay.

Okay, well, when I was hired here, they made sure that I had technical knowledge.

That's nice, honey.

Mm-hmm.

That's very nice.

Mm-hmm.

It is, isn't it?

Yeah.

Okay, honey, can you get me a man?

Talk to a customer on the phone, please?

Sure, let me find you a man.

Give me just one moment.

Thank you.

I'd like to help line one.

This is Carlos.

Hey, Glowz, what's going on, big guy?

What's up, man?

Hey, man, listen, the telephone, when I get it, does it have the YouTube computers?

computers um as far as the application it does yeah and like the net the machine itself or the

how many the machine itself um how much ram though when i want to download more ram to the machine

itself um the well how do i run the it's like a exe or something like that yeah i mean you can do

the exe and then most who are doing through the sim card itself i mean the sd card but yeah i mean

I mean, that's what you'd be looking at doing it that way.

And I have one of those.

It says SD card.

Yeah, the guy put it in there.

Yeah, yeah, definitely.

Yeah, so then I'll do that.

I'll do that, okay?

Okay.

All right, honey.

All right.

And can I come in and see you if I need help with this motherfucker?

Yeah, come on by.

We can help you out.

Not a problem.

What time do you close, motherfucker?

Close at 9 o'clock.

Oh, does anyone ever call you Carlito or, like, Big Fat Carlos?

No, never, but it happens.

Fat Los, everyone ever call you that?

No.

No reason.

Okay.

All right.

Thank you.

Bye.

Thank you.

Bye.

She was not happy that I said that shit.

I was like, that's nice, honey.

You heard this.

Anyone want to help find one?

You can just see her.

He said that I'm not qualified.

You guys.

She sounds like the old lady chicken in the Tom and Jerry cartoons when she tells the

dog everything that Tom did to her.

And the whole time it wasn't Tom's fault.

It was Jerry's fault.

That fucking piece of shit rat, disgusting rodent motherfucker.

I hate that motherfucker.

Who made Tom and Jerry?

That wasn't Hanna-Barbera.

Who was...

Was it?

Was Tom and Jerry Hanna-Barbera?

Who was it?

Give me a phone number.

Whoever owns the Tom and Jerry franchise.

Post haste.

Give me a number.

See if we can get someone to answer it this time.

Probably not.

Unless it's in California.

Maybe.

Hollywood.

Look in Hollywood.

The fucker Jerry's got it coming to him, that motherfucker him.

Fucking racist.

Forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Bullshit.

GM?

Or we can call the MGM Grand Casino.

They'll be open.

MGM Studios used to be

Florida but now it's just Disney Studios

MGM Studios Hollywood

CA see what Google Maps

finds me come on motherfucker

MGM Studios Beverly Hills

well here we go it's a start

get to the bottom of this

bullshit fucking Jerry the fucking rat

I'm serious this motherfucker's had it coming

from me

35 years that I've been on this earth

I'm sure at least 34 by 35 years

I've known about that motherfucker

and all his bullshit

hello yeah is this mgm machine hi this is mgm studios yeah listen uh i'm on to jerry and he's

a little asshole all right jerry jerry the mouse that always messes shit up for tom all the time

the cat uh-huh he's freaking you know what i'm gonna curse can i curse without you hanging up

can you take it are you gonna hang up honey hello yeah she's yeah we got some action but they they

they just get sexy women answer the phone at this place mgm hey boy how you doing all right how are

you i'm glad i'm talking to a man yeah listen jerry's such an asshole you know jerry from tom

and jerry of course yeah that motherfucker you know what i figured out was his fucking problem

tom's always getting beaten up by that dog spike right and he's always getting hammered and hurt

and blown up and all this stuff and it's all because jerry uh is fighting him fighting him

and jerry isn't supposed to be in that house he's a rodent he has pests and tom the black lady

mammy she owns tom and that's his house and he's doing his job because a lot of episodes mammy was

like i'm gonna you know kick you out thomas if you don't catch that mf and rat and everything i

I read, like, the original scripts and everything.

I got them.

Yeah, wow.

Yeah, and Tom apparently pulled a gun out on Jerry in the first episode

and held it to his temple.

Yeah, oh, yeah, it was really dark.

It started out like a really dark story.

It was like freaking Batman, like the Dark Knight kind of level kind of stuff.

But the world wasn't ready for that yet.

It was, like, what, the 50s, 60s maybe right now?

Not even.

so yeah listen jerry's always trying to get tom in trouble and jerry he's like an you know that's

a great parlay until the current immigration status this is situation immigration situation

in the united states if you think about it jerry is you know just abusing the system he's not

supposed to be there he's eating up all the food he's going into the fridge and tom either gets

blamed for it directly or um he gets blamed for not catching him jerry doesn't contribute anything

to that house and it's tom's job to get kick his fucking ass out of there and it's and jerry is

racist too you know that right you know tom is black he's african-american just like his owner

and jerry is really close to jew and that's where that came from it's the jew just sitting up shop

and taking what he wants in the black man's neighborhood and the next thing you know

gentrification and you know half of brooklyn has lost all these jews now look now look at

hollywood now look at hot look at the state of hollywood now i know it's mind-blowing i know

you've seen it yourself right the jew thing you know the jew thing are you still with me i mean

what are you thinking tell me your thoughts right now i've reached mgm studios please leave a message

and someone will return your call thank you at the tone please record your message when you are

finished recording he's staying on the line all that time and listen to that he's heard him every

once in a while huh i just want to say the previous comments about jews and african americans

was just out of humor they don't they do not represent the views or opinions of myself

or the other hosts of this network parody nothing more than that i'm exposing nazism i'm not i'm

I'm exposing anti, I'm proclaiming anti-Zionistic, anti-Jewish, what is anti-Jewish?

Anti-Semitic views on the network that is already accused of being a Nazi network.

So I would say this is a low in relation to our relations with the insurgent group.

A few wins on me today during this broadcast.

Turn that around.

sir you have the 26 acres up for sale in view yeah excellent well how are you doing first of

all tonight i'm assuming this is chris i'm talking to yes great god bless you my name is herschel

rosenfeld i'm a jewish banker from new york and i want to buy an acreage here in this state and i

see that you're offering this i will give you a good payment you give me a good price and i'm

going to turn it into a sexual uh kind of liaison uh strip not not a strip club but more like a

swingers club called horse machine ranch and yeah i'm gonna i do you think there's room for a helipad

there we can have helicopters uh come in from the city and bring down you know all these playgirls

and stuff you know sexy women porno stars and we'll hang out in the woods i'll build it up and

and we'll have sex in the woods.

Is there a river or a creek going through it at all?

Are you kidding me, really?

Yeah, this is why I want to buy it.

I want to build an adult swinger sex club here.

I mean, are you fucking with me or what?

No, what's the biggest airport close to here?

Like Memphis, you think, or where?

Knoxville or Bristol.

Yeah, so yeah, I'll set up a taxi service from Knoxville here.

I'll have a helicopter shuttle that'll pick people up,

bring him here all the people from hollywood and new york all the jews can come with me i'm jewish

you know i'm a good jew i'm good jew not the bad jews i'm a good jew i just like to party have fun

you know do drugs smoke some drugs you know and hang out with sexy women big breasts on them big

fate titties titty balls i mean forever you fuck with me or what no really yeah i'm gonna set up

like eight hot tubs outside and everything and we can get all naked and have sex and drink and

do drugs all private in the woods where no one can come yeah and there'll be celebrities that

don't want to be like tiger woods likes to come to my parties all the time and he'll come

you know and ben rofflesberger will come you know these guys you know joel osteen you know him he'll

he comes to my party yeah joel osteen he comes to my parties too he gets all he gets he takes

He takes his shirt off, and he gets naked and suntans.

Well, I don't give a damn about no dude.

Yeah, well, he's a Christian preacher on TV, Joel Osteen.

And he gets naked?

Yeah, you never heard of him.

Oh, I ain't much of a preacher.

Billy Graham's son, Billy Graham Jr., comes, and he gets naked,

and he holds a service on Sunday morning.

We all get together naked, and he preaches the gospel for that Sunday,

and he has a great homily.

He goes into, you know, getting into God and how God is beautiful.

You're not on camera?

Not on camera.

No, cameras aren't allowed at my parties, no.

No cameras at all.

All the cameras get taken at the beginning.

They get put in the coat room, and you pick them up on your way out when you go board your helicopter to get out.

Yeah.

I have one of these.

I have a compound in Arizona, and I've got one in Florida.

And everyone just takes the helicopter from the big airport, and we have a sex party.

we have senators and rock musicians you know uh members of royalty from europe like the daughter

of queen beatrix comes and everything yeah and if we all have sex and talk about god and jesus

and we have sex yeah i'll get if you guys want to you know i'll give you and your wife uh full-time

access you can come whenever you want any event you can come you can meet uh tom cruise comes

sometimes burt reynolds comes a lot madonna comes she has sacks with anyone really michael jackson

came yeah before michael jackson got really bad he came a few times oh he's dead yeah yeah but

back in the 80s when he was younger he came once or twice to some of my parties i think i was not

gay yeah i know he was he was bisexual but it was just twice when he was young you know yeah he was

trying to be straight boy he was trying to be straight i don't believe in that shit he told

me he told me like he's like you know hey eddie i'm trying to be straight he said like that so i

came to your party to be straight but i keep wanting to kiss girls and kiss boys like they're

girls and i said why don't you just try kissing a boy and i kissed him and then he told me you

know what yeah you're right i'm gonna be gay but no one can know and he was yeah he he came out to

just his inner circle um after i kissed him and i'm not gay or nothing i'm i'm not even bi i just

said here take it feel it from me because he was such a friend of mine you know so you don't go

bad on one or another uh i mean if you want yeah yeah that that can happen whatever you feel every

room it has a white line painted in front of it and the rule is and that white line you're not

allowed to be in there unless the couple that's inside um if everyone who's inside already gives

permission then you can go inside the room and interact and masturbate on them and jack off

yeah he was uh into it for a while i was like oh yeah we're gonna get swingers

swingers ranch yeah i thought it was like pinching his nipples that whole call

pinching finger in his navel and pinching his nips joel osteen can you imagine joel osteen

and michael jackson came yeah joel osteen let's go with a bunch of senators and uh congressmen

also lay around naked and jerk jack off and have sex with each other it sounds like some uh fucking

illuminati shit it's a bohemian grove tell him yeah i'm trying to make bohemian grove east

bohemian grove bohemian horse ranch bohemian horse ranch joe who's teen hoping you know who

that was shit you find a jack russell dog yes we did oh my goodness thank god oh my god maybe it's

Sam, how do you know he's a male dog?

I've been around dogs a long time.

I know a male.

Oh, okay.

How big are his sexual organs?

I can make sure that it's mine.

He doesn't have testicles.

Oh, yeah, but how big is his penis?

I don't know that.

I will have full measurements of the penis.

You'll have to, Ken.

Can you masturbate it and then measure it, please?

Sure can.

All right, Ken, go ahead.

I'll wait.

Who am I speaking with?

Eddie.

Yeah, but if this dog does not have his testicles, it's not my dog,

because my dog still had his balls because I used to masturbate it.

Oh, okay.

Well, good for you.

I got to go.

All right.

Well, bye.

See you later, buddy.

He

went from laughing to be like you fucking sicko you gotta i see you

got here a flat bottom boat machine for sale yeah we got a flat bottom yeah i need the the boat

machine that's what it is i call it a boat machine yeah because i go in and i thought i do pork i'd

like pork my wife in it you know yeah so i'm making i'm paying on the side of this is the

the pork machine and i i go out into the river i live over here at horse machine horse machine

ranch have you heard of it it's a new ranch new subdivision every unit is 26 acres of ranch land

and woods and we all have uh sex houses like sex ranches where we raise we raise animals and then

we also have like hot tubs and like big pool halls and they're it's in the woods and you can

can masturbate and have sex and everything together like it's like a sexual house like

celebrities come from all over the world they take a helicopter they land it i have a helipad

out here you can take a helicopter from knoxville airport you there buddy hey do you want to come

and look at the sexual games i was doing that two minutes i'm going to be taking a break it's

going to be an extended break because i need to create my dinner and put in the oven machine

I'm also going to have a piece of meat myself.

Get some protein in me.

There's a little bit of hummus over there.

I might have a spoonful or two of that.

And I do have some boiled eggs left over from this morning.

Perhaps I'll make that into a faux egg salad.

We will see.

I will give you a full report afterwards.

However, in the meantime, let us do one more attempt at a prank call before I retire.

Oh yeah, this is not a show.

It's just me doing prank calls.

I have a bad habit of making it a show.

It's not a show, motherfucker.

Motherfucker, listen to music, listen to me do prat call.

That's it.

There's several people you can thank for that.

If you don't like it, I won't come back like I used to be until all those people are dealt with.

Hello?

Yeah, I'm not going to come back until all those wanker people are dealt with.

Do what?

Until all you people have been dealt with, I'm not coming back to doing the shows like I used to all the time.

You're breaking up here a little bit.

Listen to me, cousin motherfucker.

I'm looking for the Ford Golden Jubilee tractor.

tractor okay yeah it's got new fucking tires in it yeah yeah and it runs good like a motherfucker

right yeah it runs like a scalded motherfucker yeah and 2500 is that firm are you being a

motherfucker about that you got you goddamn right that's the motherfucking lowest price

they could goddamn go you're a goddamn motherfucker you know that yeah i know i am at all is it

because of my name i'm a i'm a motherfucker i'm all the damn way you sound like a son of a bitch

at your cell asshole asshole fucking cunt all right fine twenty five hundred dollars did you

ever do any masturbating in that uh yeah uh uh with your old lady yeah was your mother ever

fucked in there by a black guy yeah yeah i think things are still on the seat and then you came out

right uh yeah you came out of your mother's asshole like sloth like sloth she sucked me

off she sucked me off my blow drug on the hour maker you can't even read it now yeah motherfucker

Motherfucker, yeah, I like that.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Bring your yanky ass on down here and get you some of it.

All right, I'm going to put some fingers in my...

You can plow her fields with it all day long.

I'm going to put some fingers in my butt, all right?

Here I go.

Oh, yeah.

How many fingers should I put up my butthole?

None, I guess.

None.

All right, I'm going to take that break, motherfucker.

I'll be right back after this.

House Radio will be back right after this.

See?

Just like she said.

I'm with the pizza.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

What happened?

You hung up on me?

What?

No, I didn't hang up on you.

You made an order for a pizza, correct?

Yes.

Do you have your pizza yet?

No.

Okay.

This is a delivery order, I understand.

We want it.

Okay.

According to the computers, the address that you're getting a pizza from delivered to is

We're going to be, pizza's on the way already,

but the location you're getting a pizza to is in a high-risk area, high-risk delivery?

Uh-huh.

You live in a bad place?

Nothing I know of.

Well, it's a high-risk delivery area, so there's actually an extra deposit on that.

I think so.

I don't think so.

Well, we've already put a hold on the credit card.

It's a $30 deposit.

This will be released after the pizza's delivered to your home.

No, I don't want your pizza then.

You're out of your mind.

We've had it delivered here before, and they've never said anything like that to me before.

Well, we've had some issues with the people, you people, okay?

Us?

Yes, you people.

You know what I mean by you people in this neighborhood where you live.

What do you mean?

What does you people mean?

Well, for lack of a better term, white trash.

You're calling us white trash?

You little motherfucker.

I'm going to be down at that store.

I don't know who you think you're talking to, but we have had pizza delivered here.

I don't know how many times.

We just moved here.

And I don't know who you think you're...

I want to talk to your...

I want the manager right now.

Where's the manager?

Don't you dare talk to me like that.

I'm going to make sure you...

Where is the manager?

I want to talk to the manager now.

No, I am the manager.

I'm the owner of the store.

You run that store?

And you talk to people like this?

You actually called us.

You can't deliver here because we're in a high-risk neighborhood?

No, listen, we can deliver, goddammit.

We can deliver the pizza, but we have already placed, I'm just, I'm required to let you

know that we placed a deposit on your card, an extra hold, $30, and it'll lift as soon

as the pizza gets delivered, we'll take it right out.

I don't want your pizza.

Well, it's already on the way, and then, and then, listen, listen to me, then the $30 deposit

stays on, and the price of the pizza.

Be transparent about yourself.

Say that again?

Then the $30 deposit stays.

This is exactly what happens in your neighborhood.

You white trash people, you order a pizza like a joke,

and then you tell our driver, oh, no, we didn't order a pizza.

And then, no, we don't want the pizza.

And then what happens?

Pizza sits on the floor.

$30 we're taking out.

We're holding this for you, ma'am.

We're going to keep the $30 deposit.

You have got to be crazy.

We're sick and tired.

I've had you guys come to our door, and you were so nice.

It's a mind.

You're being kind of rude.

Rude, what's with the woman in the background there who's yelling?

That's when he's really upset right now.

He said, what's the whole point of this?

Well, let it, tell him.

You cannot legally put a $30 deposit on my account without my permission.

It's already done.

You did it already?

Well, you accepted to the terms, but as soon as that delivery driver leaves.

I didn't accept to no terms.

Listen.

I had to make a $30 deposit to get pizza delivered to my home.

If you look at the back of your credit card, it says we can read the fine print on the back of the card that you put this purchase on and deposit.

Read the fine print.

Is the delivery driver there?

You are crazy.

Well, lady, what's your problem?

You're going to bounce a check or something?

You don't have enough money?

What's the matter?

We'll release it as soon as the driver gets back safely from your bad neighborhood.

We'll release the hold.

Ten minutes to go.

Guy tried to break in my truck.

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.

Okay.

Where are you from, sir?

Are you drunk?

No, my cousin, he gave me the cell phone.

Okay, well, why don't you call your cousin and have him tell you where the Los Alamos Park is?

No, I gave you the address.

You got the wrong number, my friend.

What's that?

This is in Long Beach.

You got the wrong number.

This is in Long Beach.

I'm not information.

Hey, listen, cocksucker, I got a park over here where the garbage picked up.

Where are you from?

You came to Long Beach?

You got to have trash picked up.

What are your problems?

You asked me where the Los Altos Park is.

No, I said, do you know where it is?

Because that's where I am.

I need the junk picked up from here.

Don't you understand?

You know what?

Shove your trash up your ass, fool.

Hey, you're an asshole.

Place a call to listen to your recorded call.

That was good.

What a fucking prick that guy was.

I got somebody on about my cousin.

Yeah, that's me, man.

He's calling to start trouble? You and Long Beach, big boy?

He wasn't looking for trouble.

He's looking for trouble with me.

And he's drunk.

You know what? I have his phone number, and I'm going to call the police right now

because I don't want to come out and beat the fuck out of you

because you're pissing me off, you motherfucker.

I'm a business.

And you want to fucking play? I'll eat you for lunch.

You want to fucking play? I'm going to give you...

I don't like you either, so stick your fucking...

He called me a cocksucker, you motherfucker.

Okay?

You want to fucking play?

We'll play.

I'll fucking throw you over the border.

I'm an American.

So don't you fucking call me.

You call me one more time.

You fucking son is going to jail.

I don't go to jail.

I'm calling the cops, and I'm giving them this number right now that just called me,

and you guys are going to get fucked.

You know what?

You are fucked.

Place a call.

One.

He's going to throw you over the border, man.

man. The fuck is that?

Yes,

Jack, my name's Michael.

One of your guys, maybe

I know many times you guys

give your phones out,

cell phones out to your workers.

Well, one of your drunken Mexican guys

keeps harassing me tonight

and his buddy about

just a bunch of nonsense, you know,

calling, you know, about Los Altos

Park or this, this, or that bullshit.

Well, they do it again, I'm calling the police

because, you know what, I don't want to

I don't want to get myself in trouble, but they're really pissing me off.

So you might want to check out what's going on.

And, all right, I'll just let you know what they're up to.

I'll talk to you later because they push it.

They're going to push me over the edge tonight.

Bye.

Great, let's call it back.

Yes, this is Valente.

Just returning a call.

Someone left some kind of odd voicemail in our office.

Emergency voicemail.

Can I help you out?

Do you have some Mexican guys that work there?

Sir, we have several Mexican gentlemen, Hispanic Americans that work for us.

Is there a problem?

Did someone mess up on a job?

What is the problem, sir?

Well, the guy just, they're calling me and his buddy, calling on an unavailable call,

and they're looking for trouble.

One guy called me a cocksucker and this, this, and that.

Well, sir, first of all, I don't need to hear that type of language on my telephone machine, first of all.

Okay, let me tell you.

All right, and let me tell you something.

I'm going to call the police.

I've already, well, don't worry about it.

I've already reported you, sir.

I've already reported you, and I have you down as a violent call.

You're a drunken fool, just like them two, okay?

Sir, you woke me up out of bed.

You woke me up out of bed.

Fuck yourself, asshole.

Because, you know what?

Fuck yourself.

Your number came in, and it's through you, so you better take the heat.

And if you want to fucking go, we'll go.

Where are you?

Where are you, motherfucker?

fucker we're here in long beach we're in long i don't know what kind of

we'll fucking meet you right now buddy where you at where do you want to meet come on

where you at well you know what you know well i i hear yes as a matter of fact

on cherry street i'm on call me one more time

you know i said you're the number i'm down here you come down there right now you we're gonna

We have a different, I have a, I hear a different story from Jose.

Jose's telling me a different story.

I hear it.

No, he's, he is, he's my employee.

Listen, you white motherfucker, you don't know a chick.

You sitting down and jerking off with the junkyard.

He's fucking you in the ass right now, huh, boy?

Huh?

He's fucking you like a boy, huh?

I just want you to know.

Listen, don't you talk like that.

Don't talk like that.

Yeah, no.

No, then why are you calling me, asshole?

Listen, I don't like your attitude.

Now, you shut up.

Are you boss?

You shut up.

You want to meet me at the park?

No, you boss, you keep calling me fucker.

You want some more?

Come on, fight me like a man.

Fight me like a man.

What's stopping me?

I mean, you're sitting there on the phone.

I'm down here.

I told you what I is.

Fuck you, you fucking ass.

I told you what I am.

You're such a pussy.

You're just a fucking.

You're living in your ass right now.

You want to know where I'm at?

I'll give you the address right now.

No, he's not there, you fucker.

Okay, here it is.

You ready?

You ready for the address?

Yeah.

It's 2218.

2218.

You writing this down?

Yeah, I'm ready.

Tulane Avenue.

What is it?

God damn it.

Tulane?

2218.

Tulane Avenue.

You know what I heard about that?

You know what I heard about it?

You guys fuck each other in the ass over there.

You're a bunch of assholes.

Hey, excuse me.

That's a shitty joke.

You listen to me.

Hey, hey, junkbuster man, you damn immigrants come in this fucking country,

start calling around threatening my workers, my hard fucking workers with their yellow necktails.

I'm not an immigrant, asshole.

You fucking...

Look at you.

Look at you fucking hanging with your fucking fag boy.

Go fuck yourself.

You call me again, I'm calling the cops.

When I get done with the lawsuit that I'm going to put on you, you're going to be begging.

That's a call.

That's one.

Shit.

That guy's funny, man.

That was pretty good.

I mean, it's just, I don't know.

Call back.

Tom, you're on PCH, Pacific Coast Highway.

Yeah, finally you answered the phone.

All right, I'm going to give you the address.

You fucking tough guy, you come down here.

You stop talking shit.

Ready?

2-2-1-A.

Yeah, you...

2-2-1-A, Tulane Avenue.

No, I want to fucking shake hands with you, you half a fag.

Come on.

I'm fucking tired of playing around with you.

I'm done with the accent.

Come on down here.

I'm going to lift you like a refrigerator, you motherfucker.

Oh, and then I'm going to control you and I'm going to stuff your ass with your fucking wetback Mexican that you're fucking and I'm going to slide your fucking ass up and your head up and down the stairs and turn your face around coming down the stairs and I'm going to kick the fucking shit out of your ass.

What stairs are you talking about?

No, it's going to be the stairs that I drag your fucking ass to.

Where?

Because you know what?

You just helped me out.

There's no fucking stairs, you dipshit.

And I got you.

It's a curve.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm going to drag your ass to the fucking jail stairs.

The jail stairs.

I'm going to fucking drag your ass on a concrete in front of the fucking city hall, asshole.

Okay?

You're a fucking idiot, dude.

Just meet me at the Zadras, all right?

And then we'll talk, all right?

Then I'll beat your ass.

Then I'll beat your fucking ass.

You ready?

You got a pen on me, motherfucker?

You got a pen on me?

You want me to text it to you?

I got the address, tough guy.

Come on, take me to jail.

Are you trying to scare me tonight, badass?

What?

Are you trying to scare me?

Let's meet at a bar.

No, I'm talking about meet up and we'll...

Let's meet at a bar.

Let's meet at a club.

I'm going to give you a club.

It's over here.

No, I'm going to give you a club.

Come on.

What is a fucking gay club?

You can dirtbag it out in the parking lot.

Where at?

I'm going to bench you in the parking lot, man.

Over here.

It's on South Street and Paramount.

What's it called?

Okay?

It's a strip club.

I'm not fucking meeting you at a strip club.

Are you fucking stupid?

Come on.

I'm saying, in the post-strip club,

of course they haven't got cameras and shit out there.

That's a fucking bright idea.

That's a bright fucking idea.

Why don't you choose someplace better?

Maybe we'll meet up, okay?

Maybe we'll meet up.

You choose a better place.

And then I'm going to put your nose up.

What are you going to do?

Put a G-string over my face and rub it?

What are you going to...

No, you already have your wetbacks cock in your mouth.

But you know what?

The cops are going to be calling you

Because you know what?

Now I've got two phone numbers that came in first to me

And I've got an address

Let me get this straight

You're going to kick my ass

Plus take me to jail

Plus take me to a strip club

To place a call

Press

To

Take you to a strip club

This radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you

You fucking heinous dick

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com

You know what, I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trapdoor at the bottom.

So when you die, you open a trapdoor at the bottom, you check the GPS, and you go straight down to the hell.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

bowel movement bowel movement what's up chicken in the oven i'm sitting down let me get milkman

what are you doing baby can you hear me yeah oh excellent yeah i hear you

you crazy son of a gun you're just doing calls you mind if i sit in while you do some calls

Yeah, give me a city.

Give me somewhere in California.

I'm thinking like Encino.

Give me somewhere in California.

Besides San Francisco?

Yeah, anywhere in California.

Wherever you think.

What about, what's in Simi Valley?

Simi Valley.

Simi Valley?

Yeah.

I would either call it somewhere in L.A.

or somewhere in the Bay Area.

Because you've got a lot more people.

Bay Area, New Orleans, actually the Bay Area.

So where are you at?

Up north?

Or south?

Yeah, it's called north.

Compared to Southern California, it's called Northern California, called NorCal.

It's called the Bay Area.

Down in the low end, where it's all desert-y, you got the, uh...

I'm sorry, I keep myself coming back out of the thing here.

I was on the Madhouse page, and somehow or another, it kept on going.

Oh, it was fun.

One end is, like, the big part in the warm and the desert area.

And then the biggest...

Poor Junior.

What can I do for you, Leo?

I command you to prepare two tables.

Two tables for today?

Yes, and I'm bringing an internet machine with me, computer machines,

and we're going to be filming a segment for the computer machines

where we say this is where the computer goes,

this is where you put in the sexual organs,

and this is how you create the body.

Sounds great, Leo.

What time?

I've been doing drugs.

You know who I am.

You know who I am, correct?

Leo Laporte, yeah, I know the name.

Check TV, right?

Yeah, yeah, totally.

I'm here in Petaluma now, motherfucker.

Yeah.

yeah i've been doing good i've been doing a lot of uh drugs and stuff you know a lot of vicodin

yeah yeah yeah hey hold on i gotta put you on hold this is just for me i need two tables but

i like to rent out are you there fuck you oh my god dude he's not you can tell he's not a mac

guy definitely not a mac guy no he didn't he wasn't down with the leo this whole town

petaluma knows leo oh hey leo petaluma is not too far from here and that's what's so cool about

out like northern california people here are kind of more like children more than they are in

southern california you should go to you should go to leo laporte studio the twit studio and

actually because i heard like you could just walk in and say hi you should just walk in and walk

around and join like enter their meetings and stuff like you're just they're probably like

who's a new guy i'm milkman i'm milkman maybe you could probably end up getting on the payroll

somehow i need to get a madhouse t-shirt when i walk in there just eat in the break room use

Use the bathroom and leave.

There you go.

Now, do you actually have a mad-ass t-shirt?

I didn't even want to discuss it with my...

Hey, come on.

Do they what?

A mad-ass t-shirt?

You stole a mad-ass t-shirt?

No, we need to...

I need to get...

I need to get some merchandise going.

Spread shirt.

Even Matt.

Even Matt fucking hit my...

Shut up.

Everybody give it up for Jack.

...from the following choices.

Or stay on the line and your call will automatically transfer to our customer service desk.

Please listen to the options as our menu has changed.

For store hours and location information, press 1.

For our bakery, press 2.

For our deli, 3.

One moment, please.

Like Dean Sling's laundry detergent.

Pick him up in the laundry room.

And in the paper aisle.

They stock with Safeway Home Family Pack bath tissue in the 30-count package.

It's such a great deal, there's no reason to ever run out.

Don't miss these great values and others

Throughout the store

I'm with Bancho.

That would be a good shirt for us.

I'm with Bancho.

If you don't find an Indian, they're like,

what? Oh, my God.

I'm with

Motherfucker. One that says I'm with

Horse. Bernice Jenkins

also says.

That would be a good one, yeah.

A horsey cat or...

Oh, yeah, the horsey cat.

Yeah, we could do the horse with a cat's head.

That would be cool.

And just a horsey cat like it's a TV show.

I just want to choke my penis.

I posted a horse video.

Yeah, you posted a lot.

You posted a lot.

One moment, please.

Taking liberties with the posting.

Oh, I need to...

I didn't know if you'd get mad or not.

I was just trying to have fun there.

I don't care.

I was just kidding.

Oh, okay.

I'm bugging you.

I won't do it.

I was just having a little fun because it seemed like the fans were joking.

It would be fun to joke around with.

No, no, they're funny.

Cool.

I didn't want to...

I'm just trying to do math in my head about how many people we got tuned in.

I'm done with this Safeway fucking...

No one wants to answer the phone.

What the hell?

No, move on, dude.

They're all...

Let's see if I can give orders.

I sound nothing like Leo Laporte.

If you get your supper, people are going home.

I don't like saying supper, and I don't like people that say the word.

Supper.

The people that use the supper as a word.

Can we do supper?

It's like, do supper?

I had a supper.

I had lunch and dinner.

I don't understand the supper.

Supper.

How about lunar?

Hey, Trader Joe's Petaluma this morning.

Hey, Trader.

You said it like that.

Trader.

You're a traitor.

How can I help you?

Trader.

Hey, I'm Leo Laporte.

Say it again.

My name is Leo Laporte.

Okay.

I need a special cake made.

Can I speak to the bakery machine?

Sure.

I command you.

Okay.

Who's the bakery machine?

Yeah, whoever the bakery machine attendant is there.

Okay, hold on a second.

Okay.

Huh.

You heard him?

Huh.

Okay, just a second.

Hmm.

Just trying to figure you out.

City, where are you calling now?

I'm still in Petaluma.

I'm across the street from that Safeway.

Oh, okay.

I guess I got someone to answer.

Okay.

Dude, this guy said bakery machine.

Like, I can't think outside the box.

When do you get the time and date?

Are they going to be in any of your stuff right now?

It's Tuesday.

It's one of the most non-busiest days in the industry.

That's out of Wednesday.

Tuesday and Wednesday are the two slowest days.

Wednesday the most slow.

It's definitely not a busy day.

It's 3.30 over there.

Yeah, not a 3.30.

Maybe around 4.30.

3.30 here.

Here.

Go find out.

Go to a safe way.

Yeah, how many people are in there?

First of all, settle a bet with me and the milkman.

Excuse me?

Are you guys busy right now or how are things?

Yeah.

Oh, my name is Eddie.

I'm on the line with milkman.

He says he's the expert about Trader Joe's.

you said places like you would be super busy right now is that true uh yeah we're pretty busy i'm not

sure exactly what you what you're asking though god damn it what was i calling anyway who oh yeah

i needed to talk to the bakery machine baking please she hung up she hung up i said god damn

it let's get you confused because she was so busy you're right milkman okay fine you win

i will not go in there this time for at least the next three hours

Oh, you have agoraphobia?

Agoraphobia?

What's the matter?

No, no, no.

It's flying so long and it's so expensive, dude.

It's like you don't want to fucking sit there.

It's everything in your way.

You just want to get what you want and go.

But the fucking lunch is free.

You know what I like when it's packed like that?

You can rub up against women.

You can rub your crotch against them and they can't do anything about it.

Now, this depends on are you in the bargain store or are you in the expensive store.

You're better off to go to like Gatlin.

You're breaking up.

Back, milkman asshole.

All right, I got to find more places in Petaluma.

Oh, look, I found Twit.

Fix your shit yet, motherfucker.

I'm trying now.

How about this?

Can you hear me?

Yep.

Okay.

What I'm saying is now, if you're hungry now, it should like take 10 or 20 minutes to go in and get what you want.

Dude, you're going to be waiting 30 to 40 minutes right now at this time of day.

I'm never going to a Safeway.

at this time of day.

These are real cheaps

because the lines

are so fucking long

right now.

But unless you're going to go,

you're not going to pay

for the groceries.

Well, if you're not going to pay

for the groceries,

then you don't have to

get in any line.

You just walk in,

help yourself,

and get the fucking house.

To reach finance,

press 1.

For programming,

press 2.

For job information,

press 3.

For engineering,

press 4.

For ad sales,

thank you for calling

programming.

Please hold while I try to...

Your call has been forwarded

to the voicemail for...

Hi, thanks for calling...

please wait while we connect you this is amazing speaking oh hey how you doing sexy what's up how

you doing honey is there a man i can talk to what is this regarding it's it's regarding information

but i'd rather talk to a woman i mean to a man not a woman because they probably will understand

better what i'm talking about because it's technical you know yeah but we don't help

people with technical problems this is a broadcasting yeah i know it's supposed to do

with the machine one of your main machines there we have a contract hold on hold on okay hold on

she's asian you heard her she's like okay a very very uh very passive

she said that she goes okay okay okay when an asian woman gets talked to like that she goes

okay okay no offense my man you can see we can we can say that because you're asian

uh half asian and we can if you laugh it makes it okay in half amish in half yeah you see that's

how like when howard stern makes fun of black people sometimes hello hi how are you honey

hello yeah how you doing honey honey yeah how are you um i'm i'm okay how's it going oh good yeah

i'm calling because the main machine needed to be worked out it did a call home the main uh computer

machine needs to go um which computer would you be talking about it's the main machine it says

It says main machine twit.

It says main master machine over here.

Let me see what I can find.

As far as I can tell, it just says main master machine here.

Yeah, that's it.

And it's phoning home.

I'm calling from United Computer Machines.

United Computer Machines.

What kind of, do you sell products?

Oh, yeah, a whole range of products.

Internet products, cloud products, solutions, web solutions, audio, database.

And you've sold something to us?

DBSPG.

And you're saying that it needs to be replaced?

Yeah, it did a phone home.

It phoned home to our headquarters here in Roaring, New Mexico.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, and then I need to fix them.

It's the main machine.

We need to power cycle it, and when it comes back on,

we need to hold down the reset button for 28 seconds and then let it go.

Okay, well, let me talk to one of our engineers real quick and see if we have any.

I need to put someone here as a contact on this ticket, please.

Okay.

Okay, all right.

One second.

Thank you.

You were saying, Milkman?

Just laughing.

Are you talking now?

Yeah, I'm talking on Twitter now.

Oh, okay.

Let me know when you get in town, dude.

Plan it, and you're coming up here, dude.

We'll go up there, and we'll spend time up there.

Walk around.

And then I'll take you.

We'll do an expensory tour.

You can go in.

You can get free tickets to go watch Leo on Sunday for his main show, the Twitch show.

It's not far from here, dude.

We could do it.

But I was saying, though, I know you enjoy him, and it would be great when you come up here.

We'll schedule it, and we'll go together.

No, but I'll fuck with him on camera.

I'll actually probably, like, when he, because he does pictures after his broadcast on Sunday, and I can make, like.

I'm sorry, one more time.

What was the name of the company?

United Computer Machines.

Okay.

Sorry, just one sec.

Okay.

Computer.

Looking hard for that.

I'm sure he'll come back with something here very soon.

Yeah.

Give him another 10 or 15 minutes, he'll have an answer.

He's asking me.

United Computer Machines.

I'll tell him I have a contact, Leo Laporte.

Yeah, dude, it'd be fun, man.

because we could, like, do all kinds of, like, little subliminal things, you know,

and later on we could, like, in a minute go back and show,

hi, back there, look like a, yeah, look up with a dick on his head.

That's not how it's had.

I'm one of the engineers, sir.

Hey, Big Burke, how you doing, buddy?

Hey, so what's the function of this machine?

It just says main master machine, twit.

It says here in a phone home, and it's down.

It's ping process failed.

But what is its function here at the studio?

That's what I'm curious about.

Well, I mean, you guys could do a whole kind of range of stuff with it.

I mean, it's up to you.

We don't get into that exactly.

We just provide the spaces.

Well, wait, but what are we doing with it here is what I'm asking.

Well, we provide, yeah, I guess it's using the spaces over there, you know?

No.

It manages the main machine for what goes on over there.

I don't know.

I mean, I don't know what else I could tell you.

I mean, is there someone more technical I can talk to at this company?

I am one of the technical people, but that doesn't, I mean.

It doesn't go.

No, I mean, it's just like the email I got, the ticket says,

the main master machine computer at Twit Studio, it does not go.

It says here that it needs to be fixed by someone small.

But, like, for example, what would somebody that calls you

and then sends that ticket to you do?

What would you do to make it work?

Because we have so many computers here.

It can publish feeds.

It can manage shoutcast.

It can control your lighting.

It can control video streaming.

Streaming.

It can control sound quality projection.

Right.

It can do a whole bunch of stuff.

But you don't know what we do with it here?

Well, that's not my...

Is it Revit?

It just says the contact and call space.

And I have a list of contacts here.

I don't know if any of them are with the organization.

Who are the contacts?

There is a...

I do.

I know all of them.

Leo Laport.

Yeah, Leo.

Okay.

He's the boss.

Who else you got on there?

This says Lisa.

Okay.

And that's all I got.

Actually, according to that, there's just two contacts.

I guess there's a Lisa who's an authorized user on the account.

This has nothing to do with our alarm, right?

Our alarm system?

Yeah, it might, yeah.

Actually, yeah, that might be it, yeah.

Did the alarm go off?

Is Mr. LaPorte there?

He needs to give the authorization.

He is, but here's the deal, though.

Like, we do, we're a television station.

He's on the air right now, and we can't, I can't get you.

He can't talk to you.

There's a television station in this town?

We are, that's what we do for a living.

we we we we're an internet television station he's he's a host he's on the air you can't talk

to him right now because he's doing this show oh well can you pass a message i mean just

he needs he needs okay wait what is the name the main authorization source code

machine the code well wait first of all first of all what's the phone number so i can get a

hold of you uh let's see 800-640-2014 okay and then 2014 yeah okay and then when and then that'll

put you put them through to who to you uh yeah you need to just if somebody if i don't pick up

just ask to speak to al that's me al avia yeah last name avia last name is spelled in the most

In basic terms, how would you describe why he needs to call you in and work it out?

Well, he needs to, I mean, if you can just get him to give you that code,

we can just turn it off the machine right now, reboot it.

The code for what?

That's what I'm telling you, the code for what?

For the master machine.

Tell him, if you just pass a message.

There's no master machine here.

I know, that's what we call it.

But if you pass your contact a message, you let him know United.

So Leo needs to give you the code to the master machine.

Yeah, and if you tell him United Computer Machines, he'll understand.

Hold on a second.

Okay.

He's got to know that.

Computer Machines.

He might, but that sounds really strange.

I had never heard of it because United Computer Machines.

Yeah.

Now, it might be his personal.

I don't know.

Okay.

Maybe.

I don't know.

Okay.

Okay, Machines.

And then he needs to give you what?

Can you just write it and show it to him real quick?

I can't.

He's in the middle of the show.

But what is the information he needs to give you, the code to it?

I'm going to see my name channel.

Yeah, we need the security code for the master computer machine and my name.

He should know it, Al.

Last name is Avia, A-V-I-A.

Security, master.

You keep interrupting my last name, sir.

Machine.

What's that?

My last name is Avia, A-V-I-A.

No, no, I heard that.

I heard that.

Okay.

800-40-2014.

Yes.

His name's Al, and it's United Computer Machine.

Al Avia.

And he needs to give you the security master mission code.

Okay.

All right, thank you.

I really appreciate that.

We'll be done in less than 10 minutes.

All right, honey.

Thank you.

I'll ask the TwitFeed to see if he brings it up in the next 10 minutes.

Let's do that.

Let's go to TwitLive and I'll keep the volume down.

See if he's really doing a show at first.

Yeah.

I'll turn it on in the back here.

He's got an iPhone.

Let me know, dude.

It's going to be funny.

I think he's doing a product review.

I don't know what kind of phone that is.

It's an Android phone.

It looks like an HTC, maybe.

Live.com.

Live.twit.tv shows you the live feed from the studio.

Oh, live.twit.tv, yes, yes, okay.

Yeah, I remember.

Yeah, but I'm sure when he finishes his broadcast,

because a lot of times he talks about the shit

like right on the live feed and be like,

I don't know in LA, you know.

Miss that shit.

Let's see what he's talking about.

Let's listen.

Go to Leo.

Android L within three months of the official release.

And this particular device, 7-band LTE,

it supports GSM in the US,

So that's AT&T, that's T-Mobile, not Verizon or Sprint, right?

And it does some neat things like up the screen to have it in mind.

It also has gestures on it, so check this out.

I'll go...

Tim Leo, I don't know.

That's a donate thing.

It's on their website.

It says, Tim Leo.

As always, thanks for your support.

If I do a circle, it might come on.

HTC did this with their M8.

It says, Drop Cams or Twit IRC.

Yeah, they've got Drop Cams in there.

anyway so what happened with uh what do you got now you got uh an htcm8 you got the ruggedized

one or whatever it is actually i got the htcm8 harman kardon okay audio breaking up breaking up

you probably shouldn't be streaming this hey listen don't stream the video because i think

you don't have enough bandwidth to handle that honey hey anyway this isn't a show milkman all

right um this isn't a show it's just me doing prank calls but now i got a vested interest in

hopefully catching a mention on the twit feed and i can add to the end of that

i mean this is comparable yeah

it's got a little slot body is made of aluminum really hard glass point glass is so hard man i

mean you couldn't even crack the glass points just like dig in to shatter the glass i had

I had this phone underwater for like two hours.

They wiped it off and made a phone call.

Then I held one in my hand and started playing with one.

It's just incredible.

It's got a double camera mode.

Take a video.

Hey, so Sunday I got banned again from the Twitch chat.

I troll it a lot.

But Bernice is confirming that the Twitch chat, there's a user named UnitedCompMatch,

M-A-C-H, United Computer Machine, and they're trying to get a code on the Twitch chat.

there's someone someone who's listening here and enjoying the twitch chat that's funny i just got

banned there recently sunday for making a leo comment somebody somebody asked somebody asked

us on it that's awesome we get you know after we get recognition and everything you know then we

can let you bless the people now we're doing and then that way they can't call us well thank you

for whoever that is i need the code i need the code for leo laporte sorry i need the code from

From Trey Trainer.

Trey Trainer?

Yeah, he is a guest there in the Hilton.

He should be...

Oh.

He's going to be having sex.

One moment.

Okay.

She liked it.

They know it.

Wait on that one.

Everyone has sex there.

I love sex in the hotel room.

It's so good, man.

You're like, it's not our thing.

How about sex on camera?

It's not.

Who's this Charles speaking, my sister?

Yeah, listen.

I don't need to speak to effeminate Charles.

I'm sorry?

I don't need to speak to effeminate Charles.

Who am I speaking with?

I need to speak to Trey Trainer.

He's a guest there.

I'm sorry?

I need to speak to Trey Trainer.

He is a guest there.

Trey Trainer?

Okay, I'm sorry.

And I don't need to speak to effeminate Charles.

Okay.

Hold on, please.

I have a James Trainer.

Yeah.

Okay, one moment.

Pretty soft.

The guest you are trying to reach is not available right now.

Let me see what Leo's doing.

Oh, he just sent us into a corner, you bitch.

But these are not molded, right?

Yeah, Leo's done with his show.

He's talking about his hair.

No, that's all right.

That's all right.

Okay.

Let's see if he mentions me.

me so so okay yeah i had ultimate ears for years and was a big fan because i had the ones that

were molded you go to an audiologist that's the ones the rock stars i have but the drivers are

the same quality got good quality uh headphone thank you chad johnson a buy on the ultimate

ear 900s now we're gonna have a little laptop head to head uh i've got the new uh lenovo high

high-end desktop replacement,

we gave Father Robert an

HP Executive

Business Ultrabook

from HP, the EliteBook 850G.

It looks like he's still recording

his review show. He was just taking a break

in between it.

I can't interrupt Mr. Leo Laporte.

No, don't waste time with any

Microsoft questions.

If one of you is

in the chat or whatever, paying attention,

if you can record at least the audio for me

I'd appreciate it

I don't want to just sit here and simulcast him

Because he might not mention me at all

He's moving to a different set

Motherfucker

Ew, tuck in your shirt, Leo

You chubby, chubby, chubby boy

Neither of us have ears

Because we're right here

Apple fanboy

That's his proper title

Anyway, I got banned Sunday

Because I kept asking Potter Estre

The priest that does the show

He's on right now

I kept asking him

um if he could consecrate if he was able to consecrate the eucharist into the body of christ

he's like yes like oh wow so at what point does the transfiguration occur he's like i really

wouldn't like to mention that you know here let's keep it tech because i was asking about the actual

because he's a priest he's a catholic priest he's a jesuit priest so i can't i just started asking

him about the science behind the transfiguration of the eucharist because he's a priest he's able

he's able to create the you know the body of christ turn bread into that and and i got banned

and the message in the band was like stop asking about non-twit related stuff it's like dude i'm

just he was even answering me i got banned for that we're real sensitive there really and in a

way our chat room has had to become like that because when you try to open up a chat room when

you get big enough and famous enough like we have here um nothing you start getting little bitch

bitch-ass motherfuckers showing up and ruining fun for everybody.

So then you have to take down request to prank and lock down chat rooms

and not let guests in anymore.

That's why I'm banned from the chat because I can't get in either.

Now it explains it.

You didn't log in for, like, three months, and you got expired, man.

You have an account, and you have owner status.

You were supposed to.

Enigma said he fixed that for you.

When I tried logging in on that day, it didn't know what I was talking about.

It wouldn't log me in.

I think it's just an ID10T error problem.

I mean, I know what you're talking about.

Get a bunch of clowns in there that want to try and run their own little mini-show.

Whoever would do that on Twit must be crazy because, you know, he's next to God.

I mean, come on, he's Leo.

Just

me.

He makes mistakes just like I do.

Just because you only have one button on your mouse doesn't mean you're as smart as to have two buttons on your mouse.

They all have two buttons now, man.

That's been worked around for years.

Make any difference?

No.

Still designed for the one-button mentality.

Jenna, at your service.

First thing I'm going to ask you is to speak up, honey baby labia.

Okay, how can I help you?

Yes, I need to speak to Ms. Brenda Brown-Paul.

She's a guest there.

and i'm calling because i'm with transportation and she needs to get ready she needs to wash her

vagina and everything for to get a ride do you know if she's staying with hampton or homewood

hampton and i'm sorry what was the last name uh brown hyphen paul oh you know what this this

fucking bitch you know what she's a taxi driver this cunt i'm i'm sorry she's a fucking bitch

brenda she isn't even staying there she's a fucking taxi driver bitch sir this is the front

desk i don't know what you're speaking of about a taxi yeah well yeah no no i was thinking she

was a guest there using my main computer machine but she's not a guest she was just dropping

someone off at this stupid motherfucker can you please quit cursing no i'm just upset at her it's

not you it's that fucking stupid woman that i'm mad at that inferior woman inferior gender you

know how women are like that sir i am a woman oh oh then you're probably upset by what i said then

huh is there anything i can help you with sir yeah can you give me a labia report labia report

all right let's see if kristin is alive report your labias to the phone immediately

right by the microphone we'll turn off the smell sense

i'm on here with what i'm not washington resort this is chris speaking how many i assist

hello effeminate chris i need to speak to a guest there named kristin sauceville

S-A-U-S-V-I-L-L-E

She has big labia.

Your name?

Cross, yeah.

I love how they pay good attention to what you're saying.

Yeah.

I want you to put the quantic here, and then they just filter out the labia stuff.

Yeah, there should be warning bells going off left and right.

Right, but they're not listening.

It's what they're telling you is they're busy focusing on the menu of names

and not actually hearing you.

They need to hear me.

It's the ADD American business.

Milkman, I want them to hear me.

you know i want them to actually listen and hear me agree thing is this is the quality of service

that's available out there in nationwide in the industry milkman i'm just gonna play some jazz

and do some call try not to talk to me yeah it's chill it's real if you want to do a prank let me

know you can do one i i listen my ability to arrest you're very sad whatever you know a

sideline oh this guy but he's name comes up as just a guy that doesn't help just careful

Here's someone at the Schmitz Sausage House.

H-A-U-S House.

German.

Sausage.

H-A-U-S.

That's German.

Schmitz Sausage House.

We're calling Schmitz daily at 11 a.m.

Sunday through Thursday.

We close at 10.

Shut up.

Shut up, you bitch.

Shut up.

Hello?

Yeah, I need to talk to a guest there named George Nazare.

His name is George.

Last name Nazare.

N-A-Z-A-R-E-Y.

Why, honey?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Look, they took it.

That's amazing.

The last one's got the coolest haircut.

Mace is really...

Mace is reporting that chat is really big on asking

which United Computer Machine is,

and the moderators are getting involved in the search for the code.

Maybe.

I'll try.

Over there, chat.

I can't.

Let me try to join, but I doubt I can.

If you're a peasant, y'all are...

I doubt I can join.

I'm pretty sure I'm still banded.

Don't.

Wrong.

There's almost a United-based gene.

Gene.

Look, I didn't get banned.

I'm still in there.

Hi, man, motherfucker.

Let me see.

There really is a United Computer Machine.

So many users in this chat.

S-T-U.

I don't see any United Computer Machine.

There's Uncle Bick and Uncle Ruckus.

You lied to me, sir.

Uncle Ruckus?

Uncle Ruckus lied to me.

Oh, good, Dan.

She's got to record this later.

It sounded busy.

It sounded like a lot of motherfuckers.

I'm tired of this music.

Yeah, we Nazis survived until this century.

This is what their music would be.

yeah

hey honey how are you

oh chicken

you do the chicken dance

I got a bowel movement

I was calling because I'm trying to find a customer

that's there it's urgent

he is a man

George Nazare

is his name

and he's not answering his phone

Okay.

What he looks like or anything, I mean, because I've got a lot of guys in here.

Yeah, just ask for George.

If you start asking for George, maybe you can figure it out, you know?

Well, then I'd have to go to every table and ask for George.

Oh, you've got a lot of people.

I'm trying to narrow it down if you have, you know.

You have a lot of people there?

The PA system doesn't go.

Yes, I have a line out the door.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Well, he just done got there like five minutes ago.

Okay, so George Nazare?

Yeah.

Okay, hold on, and I'll try it on the speaker, because maybe he's not seated yet.

Maybe he's outside waiting to get his name called.

Yeah, hold on.

And hey, he's going to tell her to go to the person who's running the front of the house

and see if anyone checked in under George for a reservation.

Concierge?

I think ahead.

She's a machine lady.

I'd get her busy.

There's a long pause between songs on this system.

Yeah, for me.

Look, man, I gave up eating pussy.

I don't eat pussy anymore.

I eat asshole, but I suck on pussy now.

The lady's back.

Shut up, motherfucker.

Go ahead.

Okay, he must be in the restroom, but we found the table with Daddy Mac, and he'll be right here, okay?

Oh, thank God.

Okay, thank you, honey.

Mm-hmm.

All right, bye.

Touchy motherfucker.

She heard it.

She's like, okay.

Dude, I can't believe that.

she found it who is this guy he's in a toilet i don't know some guy on twitter who said i just

checked in at this restaurant oh that's how you did it social media is that george george i'm

calling from the corporate office how are you my name is dr verner um i when you came in the

ethnicity detector notice that you have um a high percentage in your in like in your ethnicity in

your blood of an inferior race that we have uh flagged here as an inferior race can i ask you

can i ask you what your genetic makeup is do you have any uh juden in you or where are you are you

armenian at all or where are you from are you shvatsa neither what are you exactly polish and

slavish polish and slavish well that should be okay according to the computer like are you

Did you have any intermarriage of any Jewdom, any Jewry in your ancestry,

going back to your great-grandparents?

Not that I know of.

Do you think anybody in your party might be Jewish?

No.

No, okay.

It says here that you worked and you designed on the Polish submarine

a patch for the Polish submarine.

Yeah, apparently you invented the patch to fix the problem

with the submarine the Polish had that had the leaky access hatch.

with the screen door okay yeah and apparently did you have something to do with applying that patch

to the whole polish fleet okay all right well i just want to make sure there's no trouble from

you or your people all right there won't be we're going to be watching you boy no problem all right

motherfucker all right can you put the lady back on the phone please damn it yeah i need you to

keep an eye on that man okay yeah he's going to be trouble he's his ethnicity isn't pure he's not

Not poor, pure European, Central or Western European, so we need to keep an eye on him.

Okay, hey, you have a wonderful day, okay?

Who, me?

I am really busy, and I'm running around, okay?

So have a wonderful day.

Hey, listen.

I'll keep an eye on your friend, okay?

Yeah, because he's a Zionist, apparently.

Okay, thank you.

Okay, all right, bye.

Bye.

See?

Doing a good job.

We're, like, I guess we're representing Hamas at this point.

He's a Zionist.

Yeah.

He's a bloody Zionist.

We represent Hamas

We'll put a missile in your ass

If you don't quit it

I'll just put one in there anyway

We got an iron dome

Jews will throw a missile back at us

What do we do? Let's keep tossing missiles

Our iron dome casts his missile

And we throw it back at you

That's what it's become down there now

Over there, over and down there

That's right, over and down

Well, those advanced listeners to the Madhouse will recognize that this is one of our little political forays here,

our little micro-segments, as we segue into the next call after Anito.

As we play, I'll be seeing you in the background here.

All right, Mr. Labia.

Labia.

As in Al.

Al-abia.

Why don't you retards come up with that?

I've got to say, I'm impressed.

This is a good one, Al.

Perth wants me to cancel some food.

I thought I'd let you know Perth is listening.

Perth, oh my buddy

Hey Perth, how you doing my Ben buddy

He's a good guy man, he's a real good guy

I'm so glad he stuck with us even through all the bullshit

Friend, you've been a good snort

Another madhouse

On the twit feed is Sarah Lane now

I guess she's starting twit news tonight

And she's got like the horse tooth

Lisp thing going on

So I'm gonna come in

So we missed our chance

To hear that apparently

What are you listening to?

long white tie

a black pencil mustache

and of course

a very wide

rimmed black

felled head

fucking boy

play Beastie Boys

instead

white people

rap music

yeah

I forgot to ask you

did you

did we get any

reports on that

segment where you

played those

demos I did

no no

no one said

anything negative

or positive

if I didn't

maybe they didn't

put it together

alright cool

we're just curious

I can play them

you know

later on

whatever dude

If you want to go there, dude, I didn't know.

I was just curious.

We got so busy in the last week, I couldn't catch up with you.

So, yeah, moving right along.

If you want to, at the end of the week.

Here's the Phoenix Theater right down the street from the Twit Studios.

It's called As Leo Laporte.

He's going to go in there to masturbate.

Richard Pryor.

Everybody, pick out the poles, dookies, whatever.

Dude, it's 419 and a half.

Cheers, my friend.

Enjoy your drug.

Your medicine.

Your medicine, I mean.

I'm sorry.

We're sorry.

The number and country code.

yeah let's see if this pans out guys you ready okay it's now 4 2020 everybody that's great

i'm not gonna tell you guys what it is i'm doing i want to see how long it takes you guys to figure

out this nefarious thing i'm doing and while i'm doing it before i start doing it i wanted

to mention what i'm about to do or at least attempt to do it may not work it may not get

far at all what i'm about to start trying to do here right now with this next call is something

that you should not necessarily do uh just based on the fact that i do it's uh don't try don't try

no no is our cleverly disc with a normal one of you am i talking right misfits that that is that

That is exactly what we've got going on so far.

Sorry, it just involves me changing my caller ID, which I just did, and here we go.

Wish me luck.

My name is Leo, and I like to make an order.

Do you have any chicken tikka masala?

Yes.

Okay, do you do delivery?

Yes, if you're going to order like $25 before tax, I can do the delivery.

Oh, yeah, yeah, oh, yeah.

We need to feed everyone here.

Do you know where Twit Studio is?

Twit Studio?

Yeah.

It's just right here on the campus.

Yep, yep, yep.

Okay.

Yeah, you bring to here, okay?

Okay, no problem.

All right, so I need three chicken tikka marsala.

Okay.

Okay, do you have any salad?

Yeah, we got a mixed salad, we got cucumber salad.

Okay, the first one then?

Mixed salad, how many mixed salad would you like to get?

Two.

Mixed salad, okay.

And then one garlic naan.

Okay.

Okay, that's it.

So would you like to get some rice as well?

No, yeah, two pilau rice.

Two rice, okay.

You want basmati rice or brown rice?

Uh, basamari.

Okay.

So how spicy would you like to get, sir?

Um, not too spicy.

American hot.

So go with the medium one, then?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

So may I get your phone number, please?

Yeah, it's 800-605-8948.

T-W-I-T, yeah?

Yep, and then, um, I'm Leo, but I'm leaving, but, um, Sarah is going to pay.

Sarah Lane.

Okay, is she going to pay cash?

Yeah, Sarah is going to pay cash.

so tell them to ask for Sarah.

No problem, sir.

How long will it be, do you think?

I'll bring it there in within half an hour, no problem.

Bye, sir.

Okay.

All right, buddy, I'll see you later.

Okay, thank you, sir.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

There, we'll send Sarah a whole bunch of banshees.

We got a banshee pie.

I want to see if motherfuckers actually show up in half an hour

and we see them on air eating Indian food.

Or Sarah will be like, I didn't order no fucking Indian food.

I got like 80 bucks worth of Indian food here.

So without giving it away, has anybody discovered what's going on yet?

Oh, I just gave it away.

Stupid me, right?

It's obvious what's going on.

I didn't say anything, so you haven't completed all the dots.

You just kind of like put the arm book out there.

How can they connect the dots?

It's pretty easy to get the point.

I'm sure you did.

I would say, yeah.

But there are a few idiots out there that probably figured it out.

And they're probably like, yes.

Milkman, you probably haven't figured it out yet, Milkman

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck

That's all I gotta say, fuck

You wanna do some fool art?

Hey, did you see that cartoon, fuckers?

The fucking cheeseburger, the fucking fries, and the fucking coffee

Yeah, that sucked

Corey

Hey, I gotta go get my chicken out of the oven, it's gonna burn

Duh, it's been in there for a long time

Let me, uh, play a pranky call

Hang on, Milkman

Yeah, I'm gonna throw some calls on, I'll be right back

Hang on, Milkman

It's a gas station, and you can go like Hispanics.

It's not.

You don't even know the brothers.

I got a Regina Cuntz.

Hey, thanks for calling.

Do you leave a message for Todd or Regina?

Hello?

Oh, damn it.

I know you're there.

James, press 2.

Hi.

Personally going to tell you that you have had signs of BD.

You need to report to the local BD clinic for testing.

And you know what BD stands for?

It stands for positive, you fucking whore.

And I have been down there, sucking dick, and the balls went deep inside your asshole.

So you need to come to the baby clinic and stop fucking those guys, those gangsters.

You want to be gangster, you come with me and you'll suck my balls.

And you'll eat them very good.

And I put that on your face and you'll like it, man.

Hey, this town's just like a great big pussy, just wait to get fucked.

Oh, I know, man.

What, you think I got a grease ball?

Fuck you!

You cut the line, man.

You done?

Okay.

you got it out of your- You're going to Caches.

That sucks, man. I can't get nobody to pick up because it's funny to hear you interact with people.

That's all I needed, talk to them.

Matt, how may I help you?

Listen, I tried to find a Somalian gentleman. I heard he has a cab. Excuse me, a limo?

A Somalian gentleman with a limo?

No, Somalian, Somalian.

Samoan, I believe.

Samoan, Samoan.

Yeah.

A Somalian gentleman with a cab.

No, no, no, no, no.

With a limo.

He's supposed to pick me up here.

Pick you up?

L.A.X.

L.A.X.?

What was your name?

Yeah.

I was on my way to the International Terminal.

What's your name, sir?

My name is Rico Suave.

Rico Suave.

Yeah.

You heard that?

Yeah, sir.

I just know your name.

Okay.

Let me look at the system on the computer real quick.

Okay.

What time did your flight arrive, sir?

All right, he just talked up about an hour ago. I think I just changed my money and I try to get through the chose

You know, I don't have any

No record of that. It's the modern gentleman. It's supposed to pick me up on here. Yeah, we don't have any drivers

This is a morning drive. They don't drive the limousine

He give me the wrong information

Fine you guys

How much you to pick me up? How much does cost to pick you up? Yeah, let me see real quick

I think I'm going down Century Boulevard. I'm going through this hotel. I hear they have good hookers in there. It's Adventure, you know, LA Adventure. It's right on Century Boulevard.

All right, all right.

Down by, I cannot remember.

Yay. For a town car? It's a regular sedan?

Sedan. It's a limo.

A limo? Hold on. I'll give you a price for a limo, too.

Okay. Unless you got somebody driving, man. I need a limo.

We're booked right now.

I cannot drive.

You can't drive?

No.

Too many cocktails on the plane?

Yeah, I got that and a little Yale.

All right.

Got some Yale in there, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

I know the customs.

Yeah.

You know the customs, huh?

Yeah, a couple people in there, my cousins.

Oh, your cousins, right?

Yeah.

I got cousins in customs, too.

We're going to have to party sometime with you.

Give me a call, man.

Okay.

It'll be roughly $300 to take you from LAX to Central Boulevard.

Yeah, that's fine.

You got a chauffeur?

I don't have anything available at such short notice.

Okay, I understand, man.

What's your name?

My name's Matt.

Matt, okay, what kind of cousins? What's the name of your cousins? What's their last name in the customs?

Oh, man, they got long last names. You ready to write it down?

How long is it? I can't write too much now.

Oh, you know, .

Oh, wow. Okay, man.

We come together and we get some yales. We have a birthday.

All right.

That's what Los Angeles is all about, huh?

That's right. Welcome to L.A.

Hey, that's why I make L.A. a beautiful place sometimes.

I tell you later.

But anyway, you have a good day.

You too.

Hey, and goodbye.

Whatever you want, you know.

Hello, Mr. Ahmed Yassin.

Ahmed Yassin?

Yes, I must speak to him immediately, please.

Who's this?

Speaking with, sir.

I'm not sure I can disclose that matter, sir.

I need to speak to Ahmed Yassin right away, please.

Ahmed Mohamed.

It says right here in the paper, A-H-M-E-D, okay?

Okay, so I need that person right away.

No, I'm not Ahmed, I'm Mohammed.

Okay.

Okay, well, here's the problem.

We're just going to have to answer some questions real quick.

Sure.

We're going to find out what's going on.

We know you're having some problems overseas.

You know what I'm talking about?

About the credit card.

Okay, well, what do you think is happening overseas?

Why don't you tell me in your own words?

Sure.

And be honest.

I'm talking about the Lingua account that I called in today to cancel it today.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

No, no, no, no.

This is something a little more deep than that.

We're not talking about credit cards.

Milkman, are you back?

This is very serious.

Man, Milkman, it's very serious.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm back now, man.

I'm back.

Sorry about that.

I'll turn it off, man.

I really miss him, dude.

It was good hearing him, man.

I hope you enjoyed that.

Yeah, rest in peace.

My mute on and off because my fingers are so big I can't hit the button.

Like when I touch the screen, it covers the whole screen, so I don't know exactly which button.

both that's why i love you you understand it is both and neither what you open yeah my little

chicken yeah how are you doing sexy girl who is this oh this is eddie garcia eddie yeah are you

sexy girl i don't know yeah oh yeah you got nice labia you know what is labia no jenny no you know

know what labia is a labia you know what the labia is on a girl no her labios you know what labios

are do you have labios down there labios there it's called labia labia okay yeah it's the big

lips that you have big lips or small lips how big is your panocha i don't know who is this

The Bambas.

Your Bambas, yeah.

How big?

Bambas.

Yeah, she understood Bambas.

I'm sick of Bambas.

I like that, man.

I do this chick with Bambas.

We're back on St. Clair.

What?

The Twit yet.

How long do we got?

Chatroom, help me out.

What was our order?

I should have noticed.

Have they ever discovered the codes and forwarded them yet?

Are they still in earnest search?

There's a place called Paperite probably closed.

Sleep City might be closed.

EGB General Store.

Why not?

Hebe-jee-bee.

Hebe-jee-bee, yeah.

Hebe-jee-bee, right?

Hebe-jee-bee.

All right, do you guys have foo?

Foo?

Fee-foo?

Fee-foo.

I can't understand this, sorry.

Do you have papé people?

Yeah, we have little toys, plastic people toys.

Yeah, little papé people.

I don't know if we have what you're looking for.

Okay, and do you have foo?

Foo?

Foo, F-O-O.

Yeah, foo?

No, I don't think we have that either.

Oh, shit, man.

What do you have?

What do you like, man?

Do you have hot dogs?

Oh, no, we don't sell food.

No?

What do you have, then?

Do you have any hamburgers?

Uh, there's, like, a children's...

Oh, I thought it was food, and you had a hambu.

No, no, no.

We don't have food.

We carry, like, children's toys and games and, uh...

Do you have horsey cat?

Horsey cat?

No, I don't know.

I don't think so.

You don't have horsey cat.

Shit, motherfucker.

Do you have motherfucker?

No.

Okay, all right.

Do you want to make bancho with me?

No.

Okay. Do you know what that is?

No.

It means sister fuck, you know?

Oh my God. Uh, yeah, this is not appropriate.

Are you someone's brother or sister? Are you someone's brother or sister?

Oh my God, uh...

Thank God.

Yes.

You are? Yeah, so if I have sex with you, I'll be a sister fucker, huh?

This is a click.

Click.

She was fine.

She was.

She had a good sense of humor for a little while. Then she spit it out.

Hello, Mr. Becks. This is Paige.

Hey, honey. How are you?

Hello.

how are you honey how you doing honey honey baby my name is leo leo laporte and how may i help you

uh i want to do a segment at your starbucks i want to go there and we're going to talk about

the new baby style and birdie style that you've got the birdie style oh god oh god just a moment

please thank you i mean if somebody wants to give me some fancy food yeah they're expecting us to

pay for it thank you apparently they arrived because no i didn't order it well i said leo

ordered it for sale all this is the twit response yeah that's what i'm saying she was just saying

that she didn't order any food so the order went through i'm trying to see if she said something

else did you order food watch is recording somebody walked the mode in two

Calls (41, 2 h 18 min of 3 h 17 min)

Transcript

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